Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy ROLL TIDE Eve!

So many strong takes
Tomorrow, we get to see those college football playoff semifinal games that we've been yearning over for quite some time and we'll get to that at the end.  But first, we need to talk about Michigan FINALLY doing the right thing and committing to a BRAH.  Yes, he is going to crush it in Ann Arbor.  Thinking otherwise is just stupid.  But let's think about the broader scope here for a minute because if this site is one thing, we are TRANSCENDENTALLY VISCERAL.  The Big Ten is about a year away from not being everyone's bitch anymore.  That is a straight up FACT, jack.

The days of loser low-ceiling programs like Nebraska and Wisconsin with their safe, wanker coaches being at the top are just about over.  In two years, The Four Horseman are going to ride at the top again with only Jerry Kill flipping and twitching at their heels.  Urb is going to keep rocking.  Dantonio has his formula down.  Jimmy BRAH has already invigorated life into a dead program and will have them in the playoff mix soon enough even if he has to kill everyone and he will do that.  And James Franklin is quietly cranking things up to 11 in the rape showers at PSU.  These four programs are closing in on making the Big 14 the Big 4.  And, this probably sounds weird coming from my ELITE fingers, that is a good thing.

The big bowls start up today and you can use this post as an open forum for New Year's Day if you want (unless Ape has another kid on the way that he wants to talk about tomorrow LULZ) but I wanted to throw out some ideas and thoughts that I've had through the 2014 bowl season thus far:

*I say it every year but people whining about there being too many bowl games should sop up the blood leaking from their giant gash.  Assholes that think this way are actually arguing for less football.  Move back to Iran.  No one is forcing you to watch it.

*I have already told the missus that should the RedHawks ever get the invite to the Popeye's Bahamas Bowl (MAC tie-in), we are so there.  There isn't a better bowl destination outside of the old BCS bowls than that, bruh.  She agreed.  Now we've just got to get bowl eligible!

*Watching the Pinstripe Bowl, which continues to be a MASSIVE success by the way, that first half was the worst football I have ever seen.  EVER.  BC's two minute drill was three runs up the middle at the 50 yard line.  And every time that they showed James Franklin, I just couldn't help but think "this guy is a dirtbag...he has sleazeball written all over him".  Anyone else think the same thing?  Dude can coach OBVZ but I'm sensing some shade there.

*Tough Sun Bowl loss for Duke and GSaul.  It really has to suck to get beat by ASU coach Patton Oswalt.  What a loser Todd Graham is.  Of course he's a Todd.  Maybe Burke will stop by and tell us what the local yokels think of him but, to me, Graham is a loser with that weird headset of his.

*Everyone see that Texas A&M assistant straight up punch the WV player in the back of the head?  Good because that's the last time that that black guy will ever see a football field again.

*This is going to sound odd but I think that Bert Bielema has a monster brewing down at Arkansas.  You've got to give a lot of the credit to Bert's groomed stubble which is far cooler than Dut's version.  Usually, when we talk about Dut's beard, it's about his lady friend.  Count it.

*RIP Everett Golson: Starting QB.  It all went to shit faster than Joe Paterno's legacy!

*BOB STOOPS IS SUCH A LOSER!  PRESEASON TOP 5 MAYBE THEY MEANT 5 LOSSES, BRUH!  DREW KNOWS NOTHING!  Jesus Christ, who goes from beating Alabama to getting obliterated by commenter Jeff in less than a year?  Dabo Swinney has embarrassed Lester, Urb, and Bobby Poops the past three bowl games.  That's impressive. 

*Any truth to these rumors that Broxton Milner could go to Duke?  That will truly test GSaul's allegiance.

OK, let's finish this by predicting the semifinals.  In the first, I've got to keep rolling with the Noles.  They always find a way and the Ducks are a pussy team with a shitty coach.  Give me FSU 31-30.  In the nightcap, as a hater this one scares me, but I just can't shake the idea of Saban and Kirby Smart having a month to prepare for Cardale Jones.  I don't see him playing half as well as he did in Indy and he will need to to pull the upset.  Another legitimate concern for Ohio is that they are lining up against athletes that aren't even remotely comparable to who they played against all year.  It could take a while to get used to that and by then it could be too late.  I'm not all that comfortable with the Vegas number but I am pretty sure that Phyllis From Mulga will go to bed happy tomorrow night.  Let's say ROLL TIDE 31-17.

Stop back by on Friday for Semifinal fall-out as well as the start of our NFL playoffs contest that we do every year.  Everyone be safe tonight and only drive if you're really drunk.  As for me, I will be sitting at home, carrying the flag OBVZ, drinking by myself while the women fall asleep at 9, and making jokes to the dog about how hilarious Dick Clark was after his stroke.  You know, good times.  ROLL TIDE!

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Fantasy Football Year In Review

"Never take a black man's yellow thing!"

So the fantasy football season is officially over.  Some of us kicked fucking ass (me), some of us lost more hair (Seal and Ide), some of us never updated the power rankings in the league we run even after being eliminated and some of us finished last with Andrew Luck (Cakes).  So let's seal this bitch up hand out some awards to bring this shit full circle.

Biggest Bust - Shady McCoy
Honorable Mention - Calvin Johnson

This one was easy.  As much as Ace likes to flap his cunt about McCoy being the "best back in football", Shady sure fucked a lot of people over this year by being anything but that.  Now, Ace will most certainly point to McCoy being 3rd in rushing yards in the NFL in a sad attempt to prove his point but that's because he is stupid.  In every single draft nationwide, McCoy was a first round pick and the first or second RB off the board.  He finished out of the top 10 in RB points (including PPR leagues) and outside of the overall top 50.  That sucks major pig dicks for a guy who was gone by pick 5.

Most Valuable Player - Demarco Murray
Honorable Mention - Le'Veon Bell

Holy shit!  Demarco Murray played a full season AND played through a broken hand!  Stock up on canned goods.  The apocalypse is coming.  Not only did Murray play every game but he was one of the few guys you absolutely knew was slamming it out of the park every week.  The only downside is Jason Garrett apparently wants Spray Tan to die on the field.  That's the only explanation I can come up with for giving Murray just under a billion touches per week.  Get Murray while you can because this train will be derailing into an orphanage in less than 2 years.

Money Sleeper - Jeremy Hill
Honorable Mention - Emmanuel Sanders

Hill is a fat little pig that runs his mouth a lot but he sure backed it up on the field.  Hill was named a sleeper on almost every fantasy website this year despite hilarious reports out of Cincy that Gio Bernard could, and would be, a bell cow back.  No sane person believed Bernard could be that guy.  Probably because Gio Bernard is an enormous pussy and everyone knows it besides Marvin Lewis.  Plus Gio takes it in the butt from Cris Carter.  That backfield has officially flipped for next year, IMO.  It's the only way Bernard is playing a full season without a twat pull.

Best Waiver Move - Odell Beckham Jr.
Honorable Mention - CJ Anderson

If you were smart enough to grab Beckham (and keep him) you at least made the playoffs and probably made a push for a title.  If you didn't you were probably starting Blake Bortles at QB all year and if that's the case then burn your money next year and fuck yourself with the ashes.  Beckham made the Giants watchable and Eli Manning way less derpy...which is very hard to do.  No chance Beckham lasts past the first two rounds next year unless you're in a league with all women.

Guy who will go way too early next year because of this year.  Or, the Zac Stacy award - Justin Forsett
Honorable Mention - Tre Mason

Let me say this first.  Forsett seems like an alright guy.  Doesn't act like a fucking cock on the field, probably works hard, seems like he's super polite...especially to the elderly.  But FUCK THIS DUDE.  A 29 year old career change of pace back has no business ripping off a season like that.  Especially against me.  Just watch...there will be some block head that Sankey's this guy in an auction next year or takes Forsett in the 2nd or 3rd round in a re-draft. That person will be finishing in dead last.  And his name will be Cakes.

Drippiest Pussy - Montee Ball
Honorable Mention - A.J. Green

Not only could Ball not stay on the field this year but he also lost his starting role to CJ Anderson in the process.  That's some splendid double dong action.  Then factor in that pretty much every league drafted Ball in the first 3 rounds and you have fantasy turd soup.  Extra corn.

Biggest Fuck Over Job - Adrian Peterson
Honorable Mention - Peyton Manning (week 14 and 17) and Andrew Luck (week 16)

This could be the fuck job of the decade.  I wanted to give it to the QBs that completely playoff dicked the owners who rode them hard all year because that was just hilarious.  But Peterson MMA'ing his 4 year old over leaving Legos on the carpet was way more severe.  Losing your first round pick after week one is a hole almost no one can climb out of.  Unless it's a Dut and a dude butthole.  He can climb his way out of any man's butthole.

Best Comeback Season - Arian Foster
Honorable Mention - Randall Cobb

Foster sat out a couple games because his hamstrings will always be made out of spaghetti and AIDS but you can't bitch about a top 5 RB finish from a guy who most people wrote off in the preseason.  G$ spearheaded that group.  Personally, I don't know if I would fantasy roulette it with Foster next year but I wouldn't blame you if you did.  He's definitely back in the RB1 discussion.

Worst prediction made by G$ - Doug Martin's return to fantasy glory
Honorable Mention - Labeling Gronk and Lynch OVERRATED

"He was insane as a rookie and then got beat up early and often last season.  But he is back now and you should be perfectly fine making him your RB1."

If you followed this bunghole's advice on Martin then you were probably eliminated from the playoffs by week 4.  Martin sucks.  The Bucs QBs suck.  The line sucks.  That whole fucking team sucks.  Time to officially sew the scarlet B on Martin's jersey and call him what he is.  Bust.

There it is.  Another fantasy season in the books.  I TOTES nailed those awards, IMO.  I think the lesson here is clear.  Never draft a guy whose last name is a synonym for testicles, don't beat your kids like a home invader, Shady McCoy sucks and never listen to G$.  Follow these simple tips and you're sure to do as good as I did in fantasy football this year.  FUCK YOU CAKES AND ROLL DAMN PHYLLIS!

Monday, December 29, 2014

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.VIII

All The Oscars!
The reason for the season is officially over so now it's time that we all acted like it was Halloween and analyze what we got for Christmas.  I've long been one to complain about gift-receiving at the in-laws but it is starting to turn into my favorite part of the holidays.  I look forward to finding out what I will be giving away at next year's white elephant.  This year was no different.  My mother-in-law seems to only shop for me at Woods Auto Supply as I got some sort of neck pillow for drivers, a padded seat cover, and a tire pump.  It was incredible.  I could have bought all of that stuff at a Shell gas station.  The key is to act like it is practical and you could use it (although we're going to use the pump on our stroller).  On the ELITE side of things, I received a shit load of meat and a new coat to walk the dog in.  I'm not greedy.  Let us all know of your ELITE presents and also what went straight into the dumpster.

The regular season is now over.  Thank God.  This was a bad year.  Hopefully, the playoffs will be rock solid.

Browns Management - I wanted to start today by roasting that rotten filth Josh Gordon for getting suspended yesterday but I won't.  Oh, I'm sure that he technically deserves it but then I read why the team is doing it and fuck them.  If he plays in 6 games then it counts as a year on his contract.  If they sit him, he becomes a restricted free agent after next year instead of unrestricted.  This is SO DUMB.  First of all, if this guy is a nightmare then why are you saving years on someone that you hate.  Second, good luck getting him to re-sign for more years.  He and his agent won't forget this penny-pinching awful piece of business.  Not only is Gordon a fucktard but now you are messing with his money.  This will not work out well for the Browns.  Basically, would they be suspending people if they were playing for something.  FUCK NO.  By the way, nice first round draft picks this year. Way to whiff!  At least you get two more whiffs next year!  Basically, the Browns are trying to have their cake and eat it, too, but they forget that they are the Browns and dessert is always served in a toilet.  And Jimmy Haslam's postgame quotes about growing up and being pros is fucking hilarious.  Thanks for the career advice, felon!

Jason Garrett - As expected, the Cowboys fucking murdered us because we are bad and they are way better unfortunately.  But he left his brittle starters in the game until almost the two minute warning.  This game was over at halftime and he kept tempting fate.  This was SO STUPID.  It didn't fuck them but it should have.  The Redskins season is over.  I texted my dad yesterday that his birthday present was the longest amount of time before the next Skins game.  Solid gift IMO.  Fire Haslett.

Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston - Much as I expected, one of you will end up in Tampa and the other in Nashville.  It appeared to me that Lovie was reminded at halftime that you better tank this fucking game or you're fired.  And he did it with aplomb and CLASS!

JJ Watt - Is he the best player in the NFL?  Yes.  Is he the MVP?  Probably.  Should people care, like, AT ALL?  Absolutely fucking not.  These individual awards mean NOTHING to anyone but the player and maybe the organization.  Unless you are a part of that, Bill Simmons, then quit your bitching.

Jay Catler - Just had to get one more horseshit game in there before leaving town!  I loved the headline from Sunday morning that "some Bears coaches are in fear of losing their job".  LOL shouldn't all of them be!

Brent Grimes - I thought that this guy was a really good CB until Eric Decker embarrassed him and Geno Smith somehow was the ONLY QB THIS YEAR to have a perfect QB Rating in a game. Good for Rex Ryan to get a win on his way out the door.  Sad to hear that he packed up his office before heading down to Miami.

Dwayne Bowe - You were ONE INCH from breaking the touchdown drought but you just had to fumble, you loser!  I feel bad for Marmalard.  He is such a cocksucker out there and deserves success but his teammates are just awful. He was throwing passes to Eddie Royal and Handjob Inman (first name irrelevant).

The Sanchise/El Shitbox - Unless something goes horribly wrong, we may have just seen the final start in the mediocre career of #6.  I will miss idiots talking themselves into believing in Sanchez.  Hi, Ace!

Jeff Fisher - Another last place 6-10 season for this motherfucker.  How's that troll game coming?  Don't worry, you get to play the Skins again next year because the two of us always finish in the basement so you have plenty of time to think of a new fuckface maneuver to embarrass yourself with.

Matt Ryan and Mike Smith - What a couple of fucking losers.  I had absolutely no faith in these two winning a big time game and they proved me to be correct.  Sorry, Dawg, but you root for a clown team, bro.

Matthew Stafford - When the Lions were a mediocre team, at least they were fun to watch.  Somehow, their offense is just putrid now which probably has a lot to do with the emotion coming from the head coach.  They're a boring team now.  Granted, most would trade that for wins but I'm not a fan and I demand to be entertained.  It's bad enough that I have to watch Ryan Lindley next week, I don't want another shitty offense out there, too.

Ndamukong Suh - YOU SONOFABITCH!  Just kidding...that stomp was unintentional.  Obvz, America loved the Rainbow Warrior returning from his deadly calf injury (halftime treatment = Playgirl magazine) but I didn't see any malice in the Suh step.  Raiola will probably fight him for not stomping with more flare and pinache!  Hell of a game by Rodgers though.  Would anyone be mad if we got GB/SEA in the NFC Title game?  Didn't think so.

Jim Harbaugh - Some guy named Bacon reported late on Saturday night that Jimmy to Michigan was a done deal (reported here on 9/10 like a FUCKING BOSS).  By the time this posts, it may be official or perhaps later today.  Either way, shit just got way interesting in the Big Ten and way worse in SF.  I hope that the Niners know what they're doing because Jimmy helped build that new stadium and that roster all of a sudden doesn't look as good.  I could definitely see these guys be bad again without the right hire.  Just to be clear because I know that morons here will try to trap me: I said that the Bears SHOULD go after Harbaugh.  Never wavered from Michigan though because I am great and you are not.

FANTASY! - The G$FL wrapped up its 12th season this week and, barring a weirdo Martavis Bryant monster game, K-Dog will ride Luck, Murray, and Arian to his first league title.  Damman will finish second.  And Big Pimpin' G$ secured third with an easy victory over the Redheaded Duts.  Payment will come out probably on New Year's Day when I'm bored.  Also in my OTHER LEAGUE, year 22 ended with one of sports greatest streaks ceasing.  After going 0 for the first 21 years, the brother of the Cummish brought home his first championship.  That's a long fucking time and Bling deserves the victory!

Today is Black Monday (no offense to Jim Caldwell)!  Oh man, that means a lot of fuckers are getting canned!  I'm picking Joe Philbin, Rex Ryan, Tom Coughlin, Mike Smith, Marc The Pederast, and maybe Jeff Fisher or Sean Payton.  Should be a hoot!  What kind of matchups do we have next week?  CIN/PIT vs IND or BAL..OK.  DET/DAL...I'm liking it.  AZ/CAR...WTF?  KILL THIS GAME.  Is this the worst football game ever?  PK's sources say MAYBE!

Friday, December 26, 2014

The 2014 Money Shot Man of the Year Is...

We make a big fuss around here about the Commenter of the Year and, while it is very important, it pales in comparison to the award of Money Shot Man of the Year. A Commie is one hell of an achievement and should be celebrated, but being named Money Shot Man of the Year is something that gets you put on dollar bills ya’ll. As this is our fourth crowning ceremony of Man of the Year, we can now officially commission our own Mount Rushmore! What a tourist attraction that would be! You probably would like a refresher on who the prior winners were, right?

2010: Arthur Moats and Corey Wooton – These fine mine combined to rid the football world of Brett Lorenzo Favre. We thought that we would never get rid of him until these legends took matters into their own hands.
2011: Steve Shubin – 2011 was the year of the Fleshlight. It only made sense to honor the inventor. Who wants to bet that Lange doesn’t buy himself a light trophy? Bitch.
2012: G$ - Some saw this as controversial. I did not. This was a Louis Green slam dunk. I had an absolutely ELITE and filthy year. 2013 was not as ELITE unfortunately.
2013: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford - This man has done at all.  Incredible GIFs, amazing facial expressions, Bills football games, crack rocks, eating pussy...Rob Ford defines this site.

How do we score this, you ask? It’s pretty easy actually. We ask two simple questions which must result in a NO and then a resounding YES.
1. Are you OVERRATED?
2. Are you ELITE?
Now let’s get to this year’s nominees so we can complete everyone's Fave Five!

Ide - He won Commenter of the Year so he’s getting an invite to the varsity show. Basically, he’s just getting everyone’s drinks for them with no tip. He is not allowed to talk which means that he has to keep his takes to himself.  He even gets the exact same write-up that I gave Drew last year.

Tony Stewart - We aren't ones to enjoy NASCAR mush around here but I'll always respect a man who races while sitting at 600 pounds and goes down to the minor leagues to kill other drivers.  That's impressive.  Do you even remember the dead kid?  Of course not but we will always remember not to fuck with Smoke because he WILL kill you.

Everyone That Rooted Against US Soccer - You were the real heroes.  Anyone can jump on a bandwagon but it takes a true man to stick with your morals and integrity.  GO BELGIUM!

Isaiah Austin and Adam Silver - I teared up big time on the night of the NBA Draft during this moment and it was easily one of the best things that happened in sports this year.  Silver is killing it as commissioner but giving Austin his moment was incredible.
The Honda Fit Rock-Climbing Bros - CAN IT GO OFF-ROADIN', BRAH?  CHA BRAH?  Best commercial ever.  Makes you really want to buy a little Honda.

Phyllis From Mulga - Stupid fucking Buck-I-Guy is going into the Fan Hall of Fame even though Phyllis is clearly the best in the business.  Her calls to Finebaum are forever ELITE.  She hates Cowherd.  Although I am a little nervous that ESPN started putting her on SportsCenter.  Phyllis is best in smaller, but STRONG doses.  I don't want her to get over-exposed.  She better be on the winning side at the Sugar Bowl, Cow Turd.  ROLL TIDE!

Katy Perry - How can two women be nominated for Money Shot Man of the Year?  Well, Phyllis was recognized for being hilarious and was never under serious consideration for the crown.  Perry is doing the Super Bowl halftime show and I am actually looking forward to it, seems cool, was a big part of the best Gameday segment of the year (corn dogs!), and has great jugs.  Easy call IMO.

Derek Jeter - Consider yourself lucky because he was the favorite for most of the year to win.  That final game in Yankee Stadium is something that I will never forget (calling you out, dementia!).  There will never be a classier and better representative for the game of baseball.

Dan Gilbert - Now, I don't believe that he deserves any of this but everything fell in his lap on pure luck so I'll give him credit for being the most fortunate man alive.  He fucked up everything from the second that The Decision was made and it didn't matter at all.  Deep down, if Love bolts after this year and LeBron fucks us again, a small part of me will say "Dan deserved that".  He is a bad owner.  But this is a bad site so whatever.

And now...The 2014 Money Shot Man of the Year is...
The Guy Behind Leaked Nudes/The Fappening!  Can you believe that we still don't know who launched all of those celebrity nude shots onto Reddit and 4Chan this Summer/Fall?  Unreal!  But he did the Lord's work.  You know what?  Fuck these people.  Why are you still taking nude selfies anyway?  This stuff happens all the time.  I'm not going to apologize for being curious or invading your privacy.  You should have known better in the first place.  If you're not still looking at these every once in a while then you are a homo.  The Upton shots were solid but I'm a J-Law guy.  Either way, I hope that we aren't done with the Leaks.  MORE PLEASE.

There was no other choice. This was not a tough decision at all.  Congrats on the honor of being named Money Shot Man of the Year, Leaked Nudes Guy!  Until next year!

Thursday, December 25, 2014

A christMAS Miracle

A long long time ago, back in the days when The Toolshed was all the rage on the internet, I created a post that placed a lot of pressure on myself and my manhood. 

"Every once in awhile Mrs. Ace and I will get into a little bit of a debate about what we(I) would name our kid(s) if we were to have one, or 13. Mrs. Ace's name of choice is always Eva. But I have superior DNA that won't allow me to give birth to females, so that name really has no shot. And if for some reason I would produce some mutant spawn--a daughter-- I am of the China mindset...see you at the orphanage."

STRONG TAEK! Well science dammit, I'm a man of my word. Mrs. Ace is pregnant! WITH A BOY! 

We just found out that we were having a boy last night, even though obviously I knew that my supersperm could only create men. Pretty pumped. Due date is July 1st. My kid is going to throw the most crisp bounce passes ever. A real floor general and high basketball IQ IMO.

The name game still rages on, though. I am still pushing hard for Maximus. Mrs. Ace seems to be a big fan of Jackson. If SOA didn't make that name blow up then I wouldn't be opposed. Unless we just name him Jax, after the Mortal Kombat character with the bionic arms, I think I could get behind that. I got way to drunk last night to remember all the names that were discussed, but I know Bronson(#ELITE movie) and Cameron(Either after Con-Air or Cam'ron DIPSET).  Some other random names: Bodhi(Strong Darkhorse), Oliver, and Lucifer obvs. Either way shit's getting real, and my kid can't have a queer name. 

Let me just say again how thrilled I am to only have to worry about one dick, and not all of them.

The MONEY SHOT ARMY just got one stronger!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Open Forum: CHRISTmas CHRISTmas CHRISTmas

I'm only at the office until noon today and then I'm on the road back to Naptown.  This is pretty much the gist of today's post.  There are no topics.  How about you quit being a free-loading sonofabitch and come up with your own talking points for once?

My social life is non-existent.  My sports teams are awful.  I wake up sore every day.  Life is good, bruh.  I would like to announce that my two favorite holiday beers this year are Catawba Island Cookie Cutter and Fat Heads Holly Jolly.  Sorry, Great Lakes, you know I love you but you were bested by fellow Ohio breweries this season.

See you on Friday for this year's Money Shot Man of the Year ceremony.  And happy belated birthday to Jimmy HarBRAH!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Santa Blogs Vol. 7

"You can sit on my lap if you can find it."

It's that time of year again, boys and girls. Jolly Old St. Prick is back to fill your stockings with disappointment and leave bags of shit under your trees while pissing on the furniture. If you're lucky, you may even find puke in your underwear drawer the next morning. What do you say we open some presents for some of the most rotten motherfuckers this side of the Internet? Strap in, ladies.

Cakes - This picture of Johnny Manziel.

Or should I say Johnny Accountant.

Grumpy - Hmmm...what do you get old people closing in on a 100 years old?  A couple of 2-liters of Vernors?  Denture cream?  Gummy vitamins?  A coffin?  We'll go with that.  A coffin with Raperberger trying to fuck the Steeler logo so everyone knows you lived like a toothless, white trash hill jack from Appalachia.

Jeff - You get to play quarterback for Clemson next year when DeShaun Watson hurts another body part and sits out half the season.  I'm certain you aren't athletic so you have to have college eligibility left.  I've never seen you throw a ball but I bet you throw worse than Carly Rae Jepsen.  But that's still better than anyone Clemson has on the depth chart behind Watson.

Dut - AIDS

Seal - Two flesh lights.  The first is an exact replica of John Calipari's whore mouth and the second is a perfect recreation of every last crease and curve of the inside of his turd cutter.  Now you can go ass to mouth just the way Coach Cal likes it.  A bag of my shit is included to make the experience authentic.

Prime - I paid 200 people to go to a Total Recall show so you will finally know what it's like to sell out a gig.  Of course these people are also paid to chuck batteries and open cans of rotten tuna at you while you play shitty covers of even worse songs from the 90's.

Nibbles - This gift isn't really for you as much as it is for your wife.  I'm sure she's way more enjoyable to be around anyway.  It sounds like she really hates Ide and any Ide hater is a friend of mine.  So you get to watch your wife fuck up Ide any way she sees fit.  It could be as simple as tying him to a chair or could get as gruesome as one of those murder dungeons in Hostel.  Dealer's choice.  It all depends on how nasty she feels like getting that day.

Larry Lacey - What do you get a Notre Dame fan who has already punched their ticket to hell by supporting murder and child molestation?  I don't know...Brian Kelly gets to light your dick on fire, I guess.  Fear not...I'm sure it's not Kelly's first dick fire rodeo so he probably knows what he's doing.

Drew - A gun, a bullet, a dumpster and a Kosta Karageorge jersey.

Ace - Your old boss back.  Yep.  I did you a solid and got that snotty cunt hired in at your new job so you can re-ignite the OBVZ sexual tension between the two of you.  I could practically see you guys fucking each other in that email exchange a couple weeks ago.  Get ready for a sexual enlightenment from an older woman.

Ide - A black wife born and raised in Harlem.  God damn.  This could be the best shitty gift ever.  Knowing you're sentenced to a life of choking down chitlins and pig's feet out of fear of getting beat like a slave is an idea we can all get behind.  Who wants to bet there is an #IdeLie about "loving chitlins and pig's feet" coming here...

Damman - A membership to Fruchey's gym in Napoleon.  You need to get that summer bod back so you can start courting all of the fine puss trolling around Napoleon's most high class trailer parks.  Caution: Most of the single women there have illegitimate children with Mexicans so you're gonna have to be okay with that.  Judging by your sexual resume, I think you will be.

G$ - Josh SMIFF to the Cavs.  That should end your hopes for a championship immediately.  Also...your in-laws are staying with you for 6 months.

Iceman - Remember when I was hilariously fired for pretty much no reason a few months back?  Well, word on the street is my replacement is on a 45 day probationary period for being an incompetent boob and is pretty much running that shit hole into the ground.  And everyone who works there truly hates each other.  Karma over your old crap ass job is about the best present anyone can ask for.  That, and my triumphant return to fantasy glory this year (7 playoff appearances in 8 leagues and still alive in 5).

Ho Ho Ho fuck yourselves, everyone.  Looking at this list I think Jolly St. Prick nailed it this year.  We have some real winner gifts totally suitable for the dick head recipients.  Tis better to give than receive, yes?  I have come to realize that this time of year with all of the chaos surrounding us, it's really easy to forget what the Christmas season is about.  It's about being a whiny insufferable cock sack to every person you come in contact with.  It's about bitching about long lines at the store like there was ever a fucking chance you were getting in and out in 15 minutes.  It's about getting pepper sprayed over the last pair of Jordans.  It's about elbowing that 80 year old blue haired dust ball in the temple so you can get your greasy little mitts on the last sound bar on sale for $50.  It's about diving over a pile of bodies like it's 4th and goal from the 1 so you can get your piss-ant, good for nothing, spoiled fucking rotten brat that last action figure that he won't appreciate.  Merry Christmas, indeed.  Every year this shit gets worse and worse.  Pretty soon we'll start murdering people for gifts assuming it hasn't happened already.  Christmas is the best, isn't it?  Hallelujah.  Holy Shit.  Where's the Tylenol?

Monday, December 22, 2014

The Worst of Week Sixteen Vol.VIII

That look just screams "UP FOR WHATEVER"
A lot has already been said about that terrible NFL Shop family and it is very much well deserved hate (seriously, Bengal babies???) but we're giving Bud Light a free pass.  Look at "Alex the #1 Bucs fan" above.  Does he look happy?  Does he seem excited that he got caught buying a case of Bud Light so the company thought it would be cool to turn his house into the cargo hold of a 17th century slave ship?  And who invited Pirate Warren Sapp?  That fucker is well known to be broke.  He probably looted all of Alex's valuables.  Thanks for building a pirate ship in the back yard, too, guys.  That should help with the property value.  Seriously, what happens the day after the cameras leave?  This guy is FUCKED.  So while you're all spending time with your family later this week, this butt baby of Franco Harris and Dan LeBatard is mopping the poop deck in his living room that he never asked for and received only because he bought cheap beer and likes a bad football team.  You are in my prayers, Alex the #1 Bucs Fan.

Did the Redskins win this week?  YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT THEY DID and thus saved christMAS for me so let's talk some football.

Feel Seems - He should be here every week and I should, too, for watching a good chunk of Thursday's Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl replica featuring the Jags and Titans but Feel actually said that he liked what he saw from Zack Mettenberger this season.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Chip Kelly - I absolutely love this guy eating shit as it sure seems to me like his offense isn't as ELITE as everyone wanted you to believe.  In less than one week, Chip got beat by Jerry Jones' Ginger Muppet and Football Roger Clinton and now their season is likely over.  REDSKINS!!!  The Eagles are frauds.  They always have been.  Playing "pussy ball" can be cool to watch but it doesn't work once the weather changes.  All of those quick drives and no huddle BS has finally caught up to that defense.  I love it.  Fuck you, Ace, I am better than you at rooting for a bad team!!!  DeSean says hello!

Quinton Patton - It looked shaky for awhile, but you just knew that both the Redskins AND the Niners weren't going to win on the same day.  That would be too cray cray.  So SF choked so epically bad that I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't watching it.  Poor Jimmy BRAH, just go back home.

Dominic Raiola - Fuck this piece of shit.  Kick him out of the league.  If the league is going to keep lying about how much they love player safety, they can't just keep ignoring the asshole out there trying to hurt players one stomp at a time.  The Lions blow by the way.

Chris Kluwe - I know that he isn't the Vikings punter anymore because he has been nuked over on Fag Island or whatever their coach said, but I'll just blame him for that incredible walk-off blocked punt in Miami.

Joe Flacco - James Franco was most definitely not ELITE yesterday.  Arian Foster had a better passing day.  I still think that the Ravens are probably the best team in the North but they are in big time trouble now and they only have themselves to blame.  But when you get swept by Andy Dalton, well, fuck you.

Kyle Shanahan - You can blame Manziel or Hoyer or Gordon or the rookie RBs but the guy calling the plays is calling shitty games and he has been for over a month now.  This is what he does.  He'll blow your mind initially and then the league figures him out and he has no other gear.  This is The Shanahan Plan.  Next up: leaking shit to the press as a means to deflect attention from you!

Jimmy Graham, Drew Brees, Sean Payton and everyone else - Embarrassing.  Graham is softer than Charmin.  That dude is such a pussy.  Talented as all get out but he is weak.  Brees has officially entered the Chad Pennington Zone.  It's sad that he is no longer a top 5 QB and probably not even top ten.  If the Saints fired Payton next week, would anyone even object?  That's two BAD seasons in a row.  The Saints are pathetic.  I have no interest at all in watching the NFC South championship next Sunday which has no chance in Hell of getting flexed into primetime.  If the Falcons weren't total garbage, they would have won the division today already.

Andy Reid - One more week until the Chiefs accomplish immortality by going a full season without a WR scoring.  I'm pulling for them!  And for as bad as this NFL season has been, at least we get to root against the Cowboys, Patriots, AND Steelers in the playoffs.  That's YUGE!!!

Rex Ryan - Goodnight, sweet prince.  Hell of an effort in your last home game but just came up short.  You will be missed.  Enjoy your wife's veiny feet.

Jeff Fisher - I'm still pissed off over his cunt captain move in DC a few weeks ago as if the STL blueprint was proven right even though they have finished last in the division the last three years.  Then yesterday, his thugs take liberties with ODB and a massive brawl starts which is fitting because black people in Missouri can't stop breaking laws (no offense).  Fuck the Rams.  Beckham is a goddamn stud and way more important to the league than any of the losers that are going to be playing in LA soon.  Fuck you, Jeff Fisher.

LOL Billz - Well, that was a nice run but it's over.  I noticed that Seantrel Henderson or whatever his name is starts for the Bills.  I couldn't believe it.  This former #1 overall recruit turned out to be an enormous bust but ended up starting on Sundays.  Impressive.  He's probably a better lineman than commenter Daniel but not Blogger G$.

Chuck Pagano - What the fuck was that?  Why even show up if the team has no intention of playing hard.  You knew it was going to get ugly when Dewey McDonald dropped that fake punt perfect throw.  The Cowboys have won the NFC East and look AMAZING.  Dez Bryant is unguardable.  Dude might be the best non-JJ Watt player in the league.  But back to the Clots:

Andy Luck - First it was Peyton.  Last week was Rodgers.  This week, if you owned Luck then you probably lost your league's Super Bowl (Hi DAN!).  Fantasy football is a bitch.  And then there is Damman who builds his teams around T-Bone Romo in spite of ALL OF HISTORY saying that this is stupid and it works out.  Shit.

FANTASY - Damman wins the MSFL over Iceman because Iceman sucks oriental dicks.  Boz wins the LFL over Dan (with a little help from my fire sale trade at the deadline...BOOM!).  The G$FL is in the semis and I'm probably going to lose to Damman and Romo (fuck off).  Josh Gordon can get fucked.  This looks like the first time in four years where I will go without a crown.  Not cool.

In conclusion, it's BEAT DALLAS WEEK to end the season for the Skins and we have a decent chance to sweep the year if they sit people.  Pity wins still count!  The RedHawks and Fuckeyes play on the hardwood tonight and I have no desire to watch it (I will but I am expecting a 30 points loss).  I'm not finding much juice in college hoops this year.  Iceman is loading up his scrotum-looking bag and playing Santa Blogs tomorrow so show up and get your present that will be smeared with poop probably.  'Memba when the Skins sent the Eagles home?  I do.

Friday, December 19, 2014

The 2014 Commie Awards!

The Commies!
Men, another year of blog commenting is in the books and the day has arrived to acknowledge and reward the best of the best. Commenting isn’t easy here. It requires FACTS, STREMPH, HOT TAEKS, maybe a few auto correct errors (hello Lacey!), and consistency. You just can’t hop off the turnip truck and be a force in this corner of the internet. No sir, you’ve got to bring it hard every day and throw the hammer down with excessive force. Today is a celebration of comments past. I am strangely very excited for today’s post as I think that it will only raise the bar for our beloved comment section.

As a reminder, the inaugural Commenter of the Year was Prime who took home the crown in 2012. He earned it the old-fashioned way with grit and rubbing some dirt on it. Unfortunately, there was not a repeat championship as I correctly blamed Li'l Boogie/Zack Attack for taking some of the focus off of his commenting prowess.  It happens. Which lead to a power struggle last "season" that Drew ended up claiming victory over.  He had this weird knack of agreeing with me which put him over the top.  That did not happen in 2014 (as he sucked huge fucking horse cock) so again we went searching for another Grand Commenting Champion.

But there are other awards to give out before we award the 2014 Commenter of the Year.

Best Take - Seal's epic anti-Tigers rant the day after they were swept by the Orioles!  I'm not going to copy and paste it here because I don't have the time or energy but I do know that after reading it, I nearly stood up and saluted my internet.  It was powerful.  Seal hates the Tigers and their fans so much.  It nearly brings me to climax.

Worst Take - Drew's FACT checks!  I understand the notion of holding people accountable but that doesn't make it less annoying.  The problem is that FACT checking only rewards people with nothing better to do and I would much rather ritualistically fist my asshole than go dumpster-diving (sorry not sorry Karageorge family) through past comments to prove another takesmith wrong.  Drew sucks is what I'm getting at.

Newcomer of the Year - Dave!  We didn't have any other new blood (no offense to Tonya's vagina...count it) this year so I will give it to Dave.  I think he only showed up once or twice but the first time he tried to run smack at me so I responded reasonably and earned 4000 INTENSITY gold stars by destroying him.  He has barely been heard of again. 

Smartest Commenter - Nibbles!  I think that he is the most realistic of the turd suckers here and tries to not be a gigundo homer.  It isn't easy--I know this from being around you mouth breathers for 34 years--but he tries.  I think that he has carved himself a nice little niche here.

Dumbest Commenter - Dut!  Cakes won this last year in a runaway so it takes a lot to unseat him.  Between bitching about how hard it is to comment (not true) and then dropping weak takes when he "figures it out", I feel safe naming him the Dumbest Commenter of 2014.

Most Anticipated Story Going Into 2015 - MUFan's Stalker Saga!  To quote the great Judge Smails/Ted Knight, "Well...WE'RE WAITING".  Speaking of stalker, USA needs to bring back Silk Stalkings.

The Most Unsettling Trend - Too Much Procreation!  I'm sort of shocked that many of us are getting laid let alone creating human life.  TMS Army is growing and growing and I'm not sure how to feel about that. It is a well known FACT that you comment better without a baby.

Best Move - Iceman Going To Florida!  GET OUT.  Ironically, this fucking guy moved to Gainesville yet still spends seemingly every day in Ohio.  I'm sure that you have your reasons but I want to believe that you came back last weekend JUST to eat Pollyeye's with Cakes.

Worst Move - Damman Pulling a LeBron!  Fucker, now who am I supposed to get as an umpire partner?  Yep, I'm the real victim here!

Best Post of the Year - Welcome to BRAHzil!  This is an IMO thing but I really enjoyed writing that post because I love the BRAHs so much and I loathe US Soccer even more.  It might not have been your favorite (the AMA with Ide was really solid surprisingly) but it was for me.

Worst Post of the Year - Every time that Prime and Iceman talked comics!  Now that college football season is winding down, I can't wait for a Tuesday in which nerd #1 ranks superheroes and nerd #2 argues with himself over the merits of Marvel vs. DC.  LAME.

Comeback of the Year - Seal!  The one bit of controversy of the commenting season happened in March and, if I recall, the victim had had enough of our gang up bullying about Kentucky.  Seal took a few weeks off but came back with a vengeance and I think that we are all glad that he did.  Now he's inviting Mr. Ace to go out for vegan beers whenever he's up North and nothing makes sense.  Welcome back (sort of), Seal, but Calipari is still a scumbag donkey fucker forever.  And you should know that you were my nominee Commenter of the Year.  Seriously.  Ask Iceman.

Alright, now that all the minor awards have been delivered, it is time for the big dog. I asked Iceman and Ape for their input on this because they have to have some pull when it comes to such a major decision for the site. We did not agree. Like, at all.  The three of us each had our own candidate.  I was going to just pick mine but Ace made some convincing points and I ended up pulling the old John Kerry and flip-flopping my decision.  This is Mr. Ace's call and he sold me.  So who is the 2014 Money Shot Commenter of the Year???
The guy in the middle definitely pays for sex.
IDE!!!  WTF?  I can't be serious.  How in the hell was this "probably-racist" hipster sack of shit liar even considered?  Well, there were three big reasons why I ended up going in this whites-only direction:

1. His Game of Thrones recaps here really are top notch.  I'm current on the episodes and the books and even I don't know who half the characters are.  He even spells the names right!
2. #IdeLies was the hashtag of the year and nothing else came close.  I look forward to the next #IdeLie whenever it may come.  Let's not forget that #IdeLies (owned and operated by Iceman) is playing for the MSFL title this weekend.
3. His RibFest move of buying dinner for everyone was baller as fuck.  I mean, we all got free BBQ AND didn't have to talk to him.  You can't beat that.

But then he started running his mouth about Ohio Buckeyes Football after the Big Ten Title beatdown and I soured.  However, he regrouped on Facebook in a conversation with Nibbles:

Nibbles: Today my six year old asked me two questions. "How are babies made?" and "Why are the Browns always bad?". I handled the easier question but think he's too young to learn the truth about the Browns.
Ide: I find that the answers are very similar, just different holes.

And that one sentence made you the winner.  You will make a fine parent one day, Ide, but until then...ugh...congratulations on the honor of Commenter of the Year 2014!  Don't forget that award season wraps up next Friday--yes, the day after CHRISTmas--with the unveiling of Money Shot Man of the Year.  Who will top last year's winner, Rob Ford?  Beats the fuck out of me!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Oh Fuck It, Another Triple Threat: The HarBRAH IS Coming, Fantasy Ragrets, and Saying Goodbye

Jim can find that in Ann Arbor...sure.
I don't plan on making this Triple Threat a regular thing, but the HarBRAH news was coming in heavy last night so TAEKS need to be given. But I also don't think we need an entire post dedicated to HarBRAH...especially because I have a feeling that more news will be coming out today, even possibly a decision from the 49ers and the future of their head coaching position.

HarBRAH TAKE. I think he is coming. I have always felt pretty good about him coming, even before it was a popular thing to say or anybody knew the 49ers wouldn't make the playoffs or knew that Brady Hoke was a joke(LOLZ WE ALL KNEW THAT). Leading into this season everything seemed to be aligning perfectly for Jimmy BRAH to come on home. And here we are.

I will go ahead and say I am 70% certain he is coming. The numbers of the Michigan offer got leaked last night; 6 years for $49 mil. That's a whole lot of cash to coach a bunch of kids. But that number is right around where I expected it to be. I said last week that Michigan was not going to fuck this search up and this is why I felt that way; Michigan is willing to spend big boy money and going to make everybody on their list say "NO" to at least $7 mil per year. Michigan is putting aside whatever arrogance was in the athletic department under Brandon and finding the best football coach to lead this program back to the promised land. I hope it's Jimmy BRAH, but if it's not I'm 100% confident in the current AD finding the right man.

But Jimmy BRAH's coming, so chill.

We Gone. Monday night we got an approved application for our foster dog, Layla. Tuesday night we went and did a home visit with Layla. Apparently this guys wife has been begging to get Layla for months and constantly stalks my rescue's website to see if she is still available. The husband decided he wanted to surprise his wife by adopting Layla as a christmas gift for her. Pretty #ELITE. Last night we showed up with Layla, surprised his wife, and they took her in. The only issue we had was the family's current dog, a crazy black lab mix that wanted to wrestle with Layla the moment she walked through the door. Layla don't play that, at least not for a couple weeks. She's a tease, you can't just start humping her. The other dog has to play the game for awhile before any consensual wrestling can take place. Hopefully, it all worked out last night. If not, they send her back and I keep her forever. Win-win.

As noted on Facebook, my leash game is strong.

Also, today is the day that I get to tell my 20 4th graders, and the 20 other 5th graders I had last year, that I won't be returning in January. It's going to suck so hard. And I don't have any ego about this at all. If every single one of those kids just shrugs their shoulders I will be more than fine with that. And I know for a fact several of them will. But I really don't know if I'm ready for the disappointment I'm going to have to face from a couple of them. Becoming just another adult in their lives who claims to have cared about them, but then just walks out never to be heard from again. I hate being in a position where this is my best option, but none of that really matters. This is going to suck.

I was also uninvited to my final team meeting because my supervisor still refuses to talk to me, and certainly doesn't want to have open conversation with me in front of people she "manages". She's the worst.

Fuck Fantasy Football. I made the playoffs in the LFL and the MSFL this year. I barely limped in, finishing a robust 7-6 in both leagues. I knew I wasn't a real contender for the championship in either league, but making the playoffs you just never know. So you talk yourself into insane ideas like Ryan Mathews sprouting a dick and scoring touchdown, Peyton Manning finishing a year like he started it, or getting Stedman Bailey off the waiver wire will carry you to victory. Then Sunday rolls around and both my teams get aggressively anally pounded. Looking back, I have some regrets.

1. I paid Top 7 money for Cam Newton. No, seriously.
2. Ben Tate was my #2 back.
3. I paid money for Pierre Garcon.
4. Ryan Mathews was my #3 back.
5. I regret being in a league with Daniel. The guy tries to troll the commish by writing a post-dated check, which is only funny to him. Then the commish and the rest of the league trolls him back by saying he is going to be docked points for not technically paying on time. He responds by saying he will quit the league if he has points taken away. Lange is a kinder commish than I am, because I would have called that bluff in a second.

1. I bought into Peyton Manning. Don't get me wrong, I knew my team was a playoff team the moment the draft was over. But nobody is winning a fantasy championship with Peyton Manning because at the end of the year he also does this shit. I don't know if teams finally catch up with him, especially divisional opponents getting their second crack, or he starts to break down, but during the fantasy playoffs he's bound to fuck you. Never again.
2. Sproles was my #2 back. It's a PPR league, but Sproles is a flex play at best.
3. I spent big money on Keenan Allen. The fucker still probably led the NFL in targets per game, but it just didn't translate into the fantasy value that I thought it would.
4. I regret not making the MSFL quite as ELITE as it usually is. I just had too much shit going on to put any worthwhile effort into the league this year. I promise to do better next year, because you deserve better.

What are some of your fantasy regrets?

Bonus Take. What the fuck is going on with this "The Interview" movie? North Korea threatens 9/11 level retaliation and Sony pictures just caves? I thought this was America! We don't negotiate with terrorists. I'm almost never a chest thumping 'Murican, but this is just fucking ridiculous. This whole situation has been bizarre. I'm sure the movie is awful, anyways.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

So Your Quarterback Sucks...

Even security knows.
We can't all be as lucky as Ravens fan what with their BRAH head coach and ample supply of ELITE QB play.  Many of us sit through a Sunday game fully expecting to be embarrassed and knowing that a successful two minute drill is one that doesn't end in a pick six.  Rooting for a shit-ass team sucks but it might be worse to support a decent team with a shit-ass quarterback.  I went through the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE teams yesterday and came up with nine teams that could be making a change next year or at least have some controversy at the position (which never works out by the way).  So let's go through these teams and I will make the call for each team.  This isn't really a prediction or anything, just sort of what I would do if these teams were smart and hired me as GM of their team.

As a reminder, yours truly loves nothing more than playing Fantasy GM and spending other people's money.  Nobody hires and fires and executes trades faster than this cat.  So without further Apu, here is who some of our teams should be starting at QB on Opening Day 2015:

Tampa Bay - Marcus Mariota.  Let's get this one out of the way.  Lovie's classy bunch currently holds the #1 pick and likely will not mess this up in the last two weeks.  This wouldn't be a bad landing spot for the Heisman winner at all.  Some nice pieces in Tampa.

Tennessee - Jameis Winston.  FINALLY a reason to act like the Titans actually exist.  This almost makes too much sense as it allows Taylor Lewan to befriend another sexual predator and make murderous threats on his behalf.

Buffalo - The Kyle Orton Express.  Time to double down on the Neckbeard!  I'm not giving up on Emanuel J'manuel Manuel yet but In Orton We Trust.  That offense is only going to get better while the already ELITE defense is going to have their better players back.

Chicago - Josh McCown.  I assume that Tampa will cut him and his 5 million for next year which will pave the way for him to be a stop-gap in the Windy City.  Why?  Because my guess is that the Bears take the third rated QB in the Draft whether that be Brett Hundley or Connor Cook or whoever.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, if something isn't working then you don't keep doing it.  You get rid of it and find another option.  CUTLER ISN'T GOING TO WORK EVER.  So trade him for a 4th round pick (don't expect anything more than that with his salary) and move on.

New York Jets - Jay Cutler.  This almost makes too much sense. 

St. Louis - Brian Hoyer or Ryan Fitzpatrick.  It really doesn't matter.  The most boring offense in the league deserves a boring QB.  Sign both of these Chlorophyll's More Like Bore-o-phylls and watch another 7-9 season come to fruition after starting 1-6.

Houston - Sam Bradford.  I'm not sure what his contract sitch is but I could see him having a lot of success with actual talent around him.  The Texans are close but they need someone who doesn't blow under center.  Bradford may be a pussy but he does not blow.  Eh, fuck it, just put JJ Watt under center and we'll see you in the Super Bowl.

Washington - Robert Griffin III.  It sounds like everyone is coming back now which is hilarious.  I would fire Gruden immediately.  Either way, keeping RG3 at 6 million next year is worth it to see if it truly over or not.  I'd keep McCoy around as a backup though.  It's not like this team is close anyway.  I'd rather see us make damn sure that we ruined this kid before cutting him or trading him for nothing.  Make everyone go down with the shop.  Kill Dan Snyder.

Cleveland - Johnny Manziel.  You have to.  I don't care how bad he looks over the next two weeks or what Merrill Hoge says, this is your starting QB going into 2015.  You made a commitment to this guy so commit to him.  Give him a full year.  If he blows then that is on him.  As far as a back-up goes, Jake Locker makes sense as they could run the same sets and plays without much change.

Needless to say, having no franchise QB is the worst.  The main points that I wanted to make today are that the Bears need to move on ASAP, the Skins need to give it one last shot, and the Browns need to follow through on their homeless guy's vision.  What I'm trying to say here is that our teams are fucked forever.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Happy BRAHlidays.

Oh, yippee.  The Army Navy game was last Saturday.

It's been well documented on this site that most of the commenters (if not all) pretend to enjoy a terrible football game played by two terrible teams.  And apparently I'm a terrorist because I think watching a team that has won 12 13 straight in this "rivalry" (Navy) triple option their way to another win against a team that always sucks ass (Army 4-7) is a waste of fucking time.  Well, I guess sign me up for vest bomb making 101 because this game will always be boring and awful and I'll probably never watch it.  Moving on.

So Christmas is upon us again.  The time of year where fake ass douche bags pretend to like the people they fucking hate while fights break out in malls around the world over the last piece of stupid plastic your kid will either destroy or stop playing with 3 months later.  Ahhhhh.  Such a festive time.  So.  I figured while things slow down in the college football world, what better time to sit down with everyone's favorite BRAH to talk some football and holiday cheer.  Tis the season to get offended by a BRAH.

Iceman: Coach, thank you for sitting down with me.  I'm here to...

Jim BRAH: Suck the skeet out of my big Jim stick....I know.  Except I don't know how many fuckin times I have to tell those brain dead shit sacks that I prefer fat Asian men in their early 20's.  See, at that age they look like they could be 13 but they aren't 13 so it's totally legal but feels super illegal.  It's part of the sexual excitement.  Plus I like to squeeze on their squishy little tit bags while they chow my piss pipe.  Keeps me hard.  /looks me up and down.  What are you...B cup?  I guess I could ma..

Iceman: Shut the fuck up!  Fuck, man!  I'm not here to suck your dick.  And I've been working out so I don't have B cups.  Jesus Christ...why am I even talking about this with you?

Jim BRAH: Cause you know you want this shit. /violently grabs crotch under the table

Iceman: Okay...I think we're done here.

Jim BRAH: No no no no no no no!  I'll behave.  If I get arrested again I go back to jail.  There's a Nubian prince there with a hog the size of a fire extinguisher that promised me if I ever came back I would shit bowling balls for the rest of my life.  Normally that kind of sweet talk gets Dick and the twins sexually charged up...but I don't do the blacks.  Because they all have AIDS.

Iceman: That is incredibly racist.  Have you been talking to Ide again?  Never mind all of that.  I'll make you a answer my questions without further incident and I won't call the cops.

Jim BRAH: Deal! /extends his hand for a handshake...

Iceman: Dude.  I can see the glob of semen in your palm.

Jim BRAH: Sorry.  Old habits die hard.  That was the last one, I promise.

Iceman: Alright...Let's just not touch each other.  Or get close.  Yeah.  Good idea.  Okay.  Let's start what is sure to be an absolute shit show of an interview.  Christmas is right around the corner.  As fucked up as your family is, I'm sure it's nice to get together for the Holidays.  What is your favorite HarBRAH Christmas tradition?

Jim BRAH: Well, Iceman.  I would have to say the annual nude arm wrestling tournament.  Winner gets to wear the crotchless Santa costume.  Joani is going for a four peat this year but someone needs to knock her off because she's fuckin ruining Christmas.

Iceman: How is that?

Jim BRAH: Uhhhh.  The pants are crotchless???  The fuckin hairs on her cat flap are thicker than a Viking's beard.  I don't think she's shaved that beast since 1984.  It looks and smells like a dead skunk.  Or a homeless guy's nuts covered in afterbirth.

Iceman: Nice.  How does Tom Crean feel about you talking about his wife like that?

Jim BRAH: Fuck that limp dicked pussy faggot!  She was a HarBRAH before a useless CreanPie!  Oooooo!!  Nothin gets my blood hotter than talking about that worthless shit stain, pig fucking, butt queen Tom CreanPIE.  He's the reason murder should be legal!!

Iceman: So it's safe to say Tom Crean isn't welcome in the HarBRAH house at Christmas time.

Jim BRAH: Actually he is, unfortunately.  I talk a big game but Joani is the top dick swingin' dog in this family.  Always has been.  She'll give me rug burns on my balls if I don't play nice around CreanPIE.  But I still have my ways of fucking with him when Joani isn't looking.  I'll bury my index finger into my own ass, wipe the shit on my dick and swirl my sex sausage around in CreanPIE's ginger ale when he isn't looking.  He's so God damn dense he doesn't even realize he's sipping on my stool.

Iceman: /slowly puts napkin over drink.  I'm speechless.  What else?  What other holiday traditions are a part of a HarBRAH Christmas?

Jim BRAH: Well.  We're all cheap and selfish assholes so we do one of those black elephant gift things every year.

Iceman: You mean WHITE elephant?

Jim BRAH: You fuckin heard me, shit for brains!  Black elephant.  You know...where each family member breaks into a house in the neighborhood and steals as many gifts as they can carry?  The only thing that gets my dick harder than fat Asian men is sad children bawling like little bitches on Christmas.  I would jerk off with their tears if possible.

Iceman: I really don't know how to respond to that, coach.

Jim BRAH: How about with, "Sad children get my dick hard also, coach."?

Iceman: I'm afraid you're solo on that one, pal.  Dare I ask, do the HarBRAHs go Christmas caroling?

Jim BRAH: Caroling?  Fuck no.  We go Christmas poo'ing.  We'll ring the doorbell and act like we're about to start singing.  Then all of a sudden, we'll start heaving piles of our own dung at them like fucking monkeys!  I like to eat a blend of Mexican and Thai food the night before with a full block of sharp cheddar right before bed to bring a mild rigidness to my turds the next day.  That way I can form a nice tight shit ball but still have it explode like a water balloon would when it makes contact.  It's a pretty strategic process and one I'm still perfecting.

Iceman: Honestly, I don't know why these answers surprise me anymore.  There's been a lot of talk about your future with the 49ers, coach.  How do you feel about this organization?

Jim BRAH.  Faggots.  The lot of them.  There's a reason that team is in San Francisco.  That's where all the queers are.  Those cock lovers are gonna have to fire me if they want me gone.  Dad's S&M belt taught me at a young age that a HarBRAH doesn't quit!!  No matter how much ripped skin and blood there is.  Tell ya what thing is for sure.  That is the last time I put my faith in some fuckin dune coon QB so shitty his own parents didn't even want him.  Lesson learned!

Iceman: Coach!  You can't say dune...ugh.  Never mind.  So where is the next coaching stop for Jim HarBRAH?  Michigan??

Jim BRAH: Damn right I'll be there!  Or maybe not.  Or go fuck yourself.  Like I'm going to tell a piece of shit like you.  Or any of the sackless dildos that read this poor excuse for a sports blog.  Only me and my anal sex addiction group know the answer to that question.  I feel like I can tell them anything.

Iceman: Seriously, coach.  Is Michigan even on your radar right now?

Jim BRAH: Suck a mile of goat dicks.


Jim BRAH: Your mother's panties.

Iceman: Coach...we talked about this.

Jim BRAH: Fuck your face, you dickless twatsuckle.  I won't be caged!!  You don't own me!!  Fist yourself, you faggot fuck!!

Iceman: That's it.  Deal is off, coach.  I'm calling the poli...

At this point Jim HarBRAH tears his shirt off like the Hulk, upends the table, lowers his shoulder and plows right through me on his way to the door.  I didn't realize until this moment that Jim HarBRAH was wearing only a jock strap and stilettos below the waist for the entire interview.  What the fuck.

It appears we left this interview with more questions than answers, as usual.  Jim HarBRAH gets more offensive and strange as the years pass but that doesn't change the fact that I want this psychotic loon coaching for the Wolverines next year.  Any Michigan fan would.  Rumors, speculations and scorching TAEKS continue to get plastered all over Twitter.  I'm seeing tweets out there saying that Harbaugh to Michigan is almost a done deal...but I'm also seeing tweets saying that Harbaugh will remain in the NFL.  Who the fuck knows any more?  If nothing else, it's keeping me entertained.  That's it today.  I hope you enjoyed a peek into holidays with the HarBRAHs while we wait for the bowl games.  Until next time...

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Worst of Week Fifteen Vol.VIII

You may not be aware of this but the NHL All Star Game is coming to Columbus at the end of January (the weekend before the Super Bowl).  With that event comes a ton of random shit that fans can go to and attend and whatever to pump up the local economy, bruh.  I know that they are setting up a giant outdoor skating rink and massive snow slide across the street from the arena but most of the activities will take place a few blocks away at the Convention Center.  As of Friday afternoon, I have applied to work at the NHL Fan Fest for three of the four days (mandatory) from 1/22-1/25.  I have no idea what this entails although I'm sure it is more "work in the parking garage" than "punch Crosby in the nuts" but whatever.  It sounds cool, isn't too big of a time commitment, and I need a new laptop/blogging machine anyway so the very mediocre $12/hour wouldn't hurt.

Either way, I feel like I'm giving back to the area should they pick me to serve.  I feel like the entire world needs to see how dedicated I am to carrying the flag.  It isn't all bluster and fraudulent student ID tickets.  I am a part of the damn community and I will help any and all French Canadian motherfuckers find the restroom before they shit their pants.  If you're interested at all, here is the application link.  Who knows if they are still accepting BRAHs but they are looking for 450 people so whatever.  CTF!

Dat Thursday Game Though - Jesus, it's been awhile since we've had a no touchdown game.  Praise Allah that Feel Seems was around to commentate it and say things like "a field goal is just as good as a touchdown" and somehow that be right.  What a turd.  The final Thursday game of the year is Titans/Jags and there is no way that it could be worse than Cards/Rams.

Ryan Lindley - I will consider myself to be #blessed if I never have to watch this loser throw a pass again.

Johnny Manziel - Let's start with the biggest shitshow.  Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...we all probably assumed that you would make some mistakes due to being a gun slinger and what not but I did not expect you to prove Merrill fucking Hoge right immediately.  You don't belong.  Right now, you can't play.  So much excitement and enthusiasm this week and in the first hour, it was back to "typical Browns".

Jeff Triplette - That was a horseshit call at the end of the first half on the Griffin fumble.  Fuck this guy.  He is the worst official in the NFL and continues to prove it even though the league gives him the worst games every week.  That was a fucking touchdown and I'm not even mad that Santana Moss got kicked out for correctly calling him the worst.  Moss is right.  Triplette fucking blows.

Jay Gruden - Then again, the HEAD COACH had no idea until the third quarter that one of his players got kicked out.  I'm so done with this guy.  You can be an asshole if you are good at your job.  Gruden is not.  If it comes down to him or Griff, they better fire this fucking guy.  He is a terrible football coach.  We most definitely hired the wrong Bingles coordinator.  I hate the Redskins.

Bashaud Breeland - Jeff's BFF from Clemson racked up 70 yards in penalties and allowed Odell to run free pretty much all game.  He's still got a bright future but he needs to stop impersonating D-Hall.

Alex Smiff - STILL no touchdown passes to a wide receiver!  It's been over a year!  At least he got revenge on the Raiders!  Here's a fun FACT for you: no one ever has wanted to watch the Chiefs play.

Mike Smith - You've got to love punting the ball on 4th and short and then never getting it back.  The Falcons would have already won the South if they had no coach at all.  Smith is that bad.

This guy - Come on, dude, that's not even cool...yet

Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson - BILLS D BRUH!  Christ, they kept Peyton and Rodgers out of the end zone in back to back weeks!  ELITE!  Rodgers was bad and Nelson dropped everything.  The Packers were due for a turd so this makes sense.  I really hope that the Bills make the playoffs and if you give me a few hours, I will come up with a winning argument that The Kyle Orton Express is the NFL MVP.  BRB.

Geno Smith - How bad do you have to be when someone plain as day punches you in the face and doesn't even get penalized?  Good job by the Jets to play themselves out of Mariota though.

Teddy Bridgewater - He led two of the worst two minute drills that I've ever seen.  Why was he wearing two gloves indoors?  If you need to wear gloves indoors, you should be kicked out of the league.  Good win by the Lions though.  If this was college football, they would fall ten spots because they beat a shitty team at home by 2 but this is real man shit where winning is all that matters.  I don't think that the Lions are a legit threat because their coach is a statue, but it's nice to see them playing well.

Peyton Manning - What a bitch.  Couldn't even finish a half without needing drugs.  I think it is a rule that the announce team mentions Antonio Gates was a basketball player at least 40 times per game.

Ed Hochuli - Just a terrible roughing the passer penalty call that ended the Niners chances which they weren't going to win anyway so who cares.  Harbaugh has his choice between the Jets, Bears, Raiders, and Michigan which is like picking your favorite member of Rascal Flatts.  It doesn't matter because they all suck equally.  RIP Gore and Hyde who both died.

FANTASY! - I am in the playoffs in one league (the illustrious G$FL) and upset the three seed, -Rex, to advance to the semis!  WEEEEEEE!!!  Damman is up next and he will be let down by T-Bone Romo.  It's amazing that if you owned Peyton last week, you're not playing this week.  And if you had Rodgers this week, you are likely done.  As Iceman is known to say, fantasy football makes my eyes rain.

Back to hockey before we go, the CBJ have now won SIX in a row and head to Garbage Town USA tomorrow to make it seven.  FUCK YOU, DREW AND SAUL BOYS, OUR FLAG POLES ARE AT FULL MAST.  The Redskins play on Saturday this coming week and it is during my extended family Christmas party.  So, just to get it out of the way early, thanks for ruining CHRISTmas, Dan Snyder!