Thursday, October 23, 2014

Where Should Braxton Miller Suck Dick Next Year?

This one is really going to test your work filter

Let me start out this post by stating what I have always stated, BRAXTON MILLER IS OVERRATED AS....RAW DENIM....or something. But he's overrated as fuck and isn't a good quarterback. Great afflete. Shit quarterback. I have always felt this way. So let's go back to August 20th, when G$ introduced us all to the new leader of Fuckeyes.

Here was my immediate reaction to Braxton going out;
"I see 2-4 losses for the Buckeyes this year. Barrett is going to lose them a couple games this year that they wouldn't have lost with Brax. But I think the Fuckeyes have a ton of question marks on the team outside of QB anyways. 
Also Braxton is the most OVERRATED 2 time B1G player of the year ever. I've never been a big fan of him as a QB, as I was squarely on #TeamSmoothJazz, so I can see Barrett being a better passer on the intermediate throws that Brax was typically awful at. But for this year that's the only upgrade I can see with Barrett> Brax. 
I do think Barrett will come along nicely as the season goes, as long as his O-line allows him to(huge ?). And if he does and I'm a Fuckeye fan I don't want Brax back, other than to be some Wildcat/Weapon type of player. He's just not that good of a QB."
That looks like a pretty #MEASURED and accurate statement. Here is Drew's response;
"LOLZ @ not wanting Braxton back as a QB. I can't believe someone wouldn't think he doesn't make them a better team. If he would have played this year, he would have basically owned the OSU football record books at the end of the season. What a terrible player."
Let's also note this was after he dropped a JT Barrett is ELITE because of military family bomb. Fuck Drew is what I'm saying.

I have been very impressed with Barrett, unlike some other HATERZ around here. I think he is developing nicely as the season progresses, regardless of the defenses he has faced, and that will continue the rest of the year. He still has a big ol' twat for an arm, any throw over 40 yards is an absolute duck, but he has poise and is making plays when they are needed without making mistakes. And I don't think what he does against Sparty is all that relevant because he's going to continue to develop and he's already better than Braxton. I think he is going to be a really good/great QB for the Fuckeyes and I hate that, but I will deal with that some other Saturday. Shutting him down after this year to bring back Braxton would be a Brady Hoke level of fat fucking ruhtard who knows nothing about football. I don't think Urbz is that stupid. You all know where this is going, Braxton has gots to go.

So here is how I see Braxton's options for next year:

Go back to the Fuckeyes. I don't see this happening at all unless my prediction above comes to fruition....which is totes a possibility because ME>U. It's also possible for the reasons brought up by G$ back in August;
"It's a torn labrum, right? Let's not just assume that Prince Twat is going to come back the same or better. He might show up to Spring Ball throwing the rock like Cakes AKA a faggot OBVZ"
The Fuckeyes, with Barrett at the helm, may offer Braxton the best opportunity for him showcase his talent as a pure AFFLETE. I have never debated his ability to make plays. And I think Urbz could do some real damage if he opened up the playbook to use Braxton athletic ability to its' full potential. I think this is the least likely of situations, and I don't think there is a chance that Braxton comes back to the Fuckeyes in any other role than this(barring a Barrett injury).

Graduate Transfer. This is assuming that Braxton's vaginal shoulder can fully heal, otherwise no other team is taking a chance on him. But if Braxton Miller really thinks that he can be a quarterback at the next level--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--then he is going to have to go elsewhere to prove that. I'm not totally sure where he would land as I'm not going to review every teams QB depth right now, but I'll throw some out that make sense to me. Michigan!!! This would be the ultimate troll job and depending on who Michigan hires(Dan Mullen) I think it could work as a stopgap. Florida!!! If Dan Mullen ends up in Gainesville like I suspect he will, Miller seems like a perfect fit for one year while Mullen finds his QB of the future on the recruiting trail. Oregon!!! I'm not sure if this is realistic because I feel like Oregon's system is too complex for somebody to just show up and start, but I think there is room for somebody to step in after Mariota. There are obvs going to be other options out there for a player of his caliber, no matter how OVERRATED he is, but those three schools would be interesting potential destinations.

Go Pro Bro. It might just be time for Braxton to take his talents to the NFL...for two years until only the CFL will accept him. Again, he would be entering the NFL Draft as an afflete because he doesn't have the QB skills to make it in the NFL and he hasn't shown the skills to be a WR or the durability to be a RB. Denard Robinson was drafted at the beginning of the 5th round. Braxton Miller does not have the agility nor the straight line speed of Denard, but is a better QB prospect(not saying much) so it's hard for me to imagine Miller as anything more than a 5-7 round draft pick. But with the durability issues I don't know if he should chance another year as an amateur when he is pretty much guaranteed to make a roster based on potential alone. He's not in a position to pass up 500k when his shoulder is one bad throw away from being ruined forever.

Some might feel that this discussion is premature, as Drew said in the comments Tuesday, but I don't think so. Barrett has shown his worth already and he's every bit the quarterback Braxton was...and then some. I don't care what kind of ink Braxton has on is body, he needs to think about what's best for his future...and that's leaving the Fuckeyes behind, one way or the other.

What I was trying to say in this post is that I think Ide said it best back in August;
"Iceman is the type of guy who waves goodbye to his friends."

Good say, sirs. I SAID GOOD DAY.
video

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Ranking The Takesmiths

With yesterday's odd argument on accountability on the internet (LOL!), I figured that we could kick it up a notch today with the pros.  There is no doubt that the "embrace debate" mantra is ruining society but I'm not talking about how Worst Cake should be the #1 morning show in America.  I'm talking about the vast hellscape known as Sports Talk Radio!  Most of us listen to it a lot.  Some of us call in to win fabulous Pat Fenis-related prizes.  Anyone that avoids it altogether should be considered a saint.

There are good radio shows and many, MANY bad ones.  A few weeks ago, I was walking the dog during the Skins/Seahawks Monday Night Football game so I strapped on my headphones to listen to the action.  ESPN had a playoff baseball game on and CBS had some weirdo named Farrell spitting out venom.  Have you heard this guy?  It sounds like he is talking out of a voice box.  Who put that guy on the air?  Awful bar, TERRIBLE BAHHHHHH!  I decided to rank 12 sports radio shows (almost all of them national).  We'll actually start with the best and work our way to the god awful audio diarrhea.

1. The Dan Patrick Show - Dan is the best and no one really comes close.

2. Dari and Mel - I LOVE this Saturday morning show.  They talk almost nothing but football and the jingle is the greatest.  Excellent dog-walking listen.  And I will never apologize for being in love with Kiper.

3. The Ian O'Connor Show - Just a no nonsense Sunday morning show out of New York that also is enjoyable while walking the dog.  I do a lot of dog walking on weekend mornings.

4. SVP & Rusillo - By the time that the previous show ends, most listeners are ready to throw their radios away but SVP is just a good dude and Rusillo seems equally cool.  It takes a lot to make up the damage that their lead-in left but they excel at it.

5. Mike & Mike - Look, this is corny shit but my ears aren't ready for molten hot takes that early in the morning.  I need some easy listening on the way to work.  This is a very vanilla show but it works.  They need to end that relationship with Cris Carter though.

6. The Local Shows - Bishop and Rothman are fine even though I find Beau to be really arrogant a lot of the times for not perceived reason at all.  Rothman takes his dogs to the same place as Commenter Daniel I'm told.  Which leaves us with Common Man and Company.  Why they still use Company even though it is TBone and once a week Krenzel, I do not know.  CM & Torg would have been #3 for me if they were still together.  Separately, they do not work as well.  Together, they talk to the POTUS.  I hate TBone.  All other shows produced locally can eat hog.

7. The Jim Rome Show - He's been doing the same exact show for over 15 years now.  It is the same thing every day.  Great interviews with athletes, callers calling each other out for some dumb reason, war, and people getting racked.  Rome is an acquired taste.  I do not care for the flavor much.

8. Sedano & Stink - At this point, I would like to remind everyone of the short-lived Hill & Stink where Schlereth spent every night trying to perfect his ebonics.  It was the best worst thing ever.  These guys are serviceable but a guy named Jorge should not go by George.  False advertising IMO.

9. The Mike Lupica Show - The radio show is fine because you don't have to look at his stupid midget face.  He tends to interview Joe Maddon every week though and I hate Joe Maddon.

10. The Mike Francesca Show - This asshole New Yorker is so boring.  It doesn't help that he falls asleep on the air at least once a year.

11. The Herd - How is this not last?  Well, for as racist and bad and racist as Colin is, he does give decent gambling advice.  I can't stand Colin and he should have been suspended for a wide variety of things many times, but...uh, I actually don't have a compliment prepared for him.  FUCK HIM.  I DRINK SODA.  DEAL WITH IT.  KISS MY BUTT, COWTURD!

12. Boomer and Carton - This is simulcast on CBS Sports and is the worst thing ever.  Boomer is just a repugnant turd (see: his thoughts on Daniel Murphy's paternity leave) and Craig Carton is a fucking cocksucker.  Maybe Ide can back me up on this but these two guys are straight up shitdicks.

Let's open the phone lines today and lay out our thoughts on national and regional sports talk radio.  We can even have an Airing of Grievances segment if you are so inclined.  Either way, have a take but DO NOT SUCK.  I loooooooooooooove ya, commenters!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

College Football Week 8


"Yayyass!  Uh free toy at thuh bottum of muh Skoal tin!"



Oh boy.  CONTROVERSY!  CONSPIRACY!  SMOKING GUNS!  HOSE JOBS!  TIN HATS!  Today could break the record for most comments if the lone Notre Dame fan here pulls his weight today.  There is a lot to discuss so let's jump right in.

Ohio Buckeyes vs. Rutgers

The Ohio Buckeyes blew out another average Big 10 team Saturday but that didn't stop Drew from acting like they just won the National Championship.  His weekly streak of being the most annoying fuck on Twitter is intact.  Goals are important to have.  Somewhere along the line Drew got it in his head that I GUARANSHEED the Buckeyes were winning 8 games tops.  Rest assured that never happened.  /cue Drew frantically FACT checking previous posts and coming up empty.  Drew and the Ohio Buckeyes really were made for each other.

Alabama vs. Texas A&M

Hammer fuckin time.  ROLL DAMN KISS MY BUTT COWTURD!  Phyllis from Mulga will never stop being awesome.  If not for the Randy Orton RKOing the world, this bitch would have won the Internet.  This game was a combination of Texas A&M being not that good and Alabama being really pissed off about almost losing last week.  And Kenneth Hill SUX.  The SEC West has 4 teams in the top 5.  I'm sure Cakes will be thrilled about that.

Baylor vs. West Virginia

LOL Baylor.  Baylor does this every year, don't they?  Pile together some wins, get ranked in the top 5 and then just completely fuckin blow it against a rank turd of a football team.  Don't believe what WVU's record says.  I'm sure they'll finish the season 7-5.  The real winner of this game was the kid on the header of today's post.  I can't stop LOLing at those teeth.  The end of this game also officially marked the end of my sobriety for Saturday.

Now for the game that everyone wants to talk about today.  I have allowed Larry, per his request, to do a write up about FSU vs. Notre Dame.  Anything to make my job simple.  Get ready for a shit load of tears and excuse making.


#5 Notre Dame @ #2 FSU:
Not going to lie, this one hurt bad. I don't think I have experienced an outcome to a game that was this painful. The only one that is coming to mind is The Bartman game. I will get to the CONTROVERSIAL call later but first lets start with the game.

Going into the game my expectations were not high. I felt we could hang with them but I was not going to be surprised if it turned out to be a blowout. That all changed after NDs first TD drive. The Irish were dominating the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball and I liked how Kelly was calling the game. Kelly was aggressive and took some chances. I agreed with every fourth down attempt call he made and he could have been successful on all of them if the players executed them right. That is one of the main reasons the Irish lost, they left too many plays on the field which took points of the board and you cannot do that against the defending champs and expect to win. Winston looked rattled early and looked anything but a former Heisman winner. That all changed after halftime. He proved why he is one of the best QB even though he is a dumbass. Golson did match Winston's play and came one play short of out playing him. Should be an early Heisman favorite next year. 

Now lets get to the call. I am going to tell you my thoughts on it and leave it at that. I know all of you will not agree and you will say that I am being a stupid Irish Homer (*CORRECT). I couldn't care less because nothing can be said to change my mind. I have watched the replay from many different angles and watched them so many times I lost count. First, lets start with #20 Prosise. He was the WR on the line of scrimmage that was jammed at the LOS. Both him and the DB were locked up with each other so I don't see how you can call him for a PI because both players were doing the same thing to each other. Now the outside WR #7 Fuller is the borderline play. He ran a slant and did make contact with the DB. He did not break off his route to make contact with the DB, the only thing he did wrong was not look back at the QB to make it look like he was looking for the ball. HOWEVER, when refs are going to call a PI for the "pick" play they need to determine whether or not the DB would have had a play on the ball if it was not for the pick. That was not the case on this play, the DB would have had no chance even if there was no contact with the WR.

Also, I did go a little crazy on twitter but I have never experienced a high moment like that but ended up doing a 180 degree turn around. Add that with a few too many beers and that is what you get.

Now my thoughts.  First of all, Brian Kelly is a whiny cry baby fuck that no one should like.  He's a guy that the world can universally hate effortlessly.  Notre Dame fans would hate him too if they had souls.  Basically at the root of everything, Kelly is a murderer and Notre Dame fans are pro murder.  Second, if you read the ACC's explanation of why offensive PI was called and then watch the play happen, you can clearly see that the correct call was made and Notre Dame fans are just sore fucking losers.

But that won't stop Brian Kelly from clapping his twat lips about how Notre Dame was hosed.  And of course their bitchy fans will follow suit.  I was hammered in a bar when this happened so I had to go back sober and watch everything.  I really don't see what the uproar is about.  The right call was made regardless of people saying FSU had "blown" the coverage on the play.  Wide receivers can't block down field before the pass is thrown past the line of scrimmage and those receivers were blocking.  End of discussion.

That's how you do it folks.  You let a pissed off Notre Dame fan write a third of your post for you so you keep the actual work to a minimum.  Blogging 101.  That's my time for today.  I wish every week was this easy.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Worst of Week Seven Vol.VIII

Watch out for invisible Randy Orton, Tubs!
This is just great.  I want to believe that someone in the Texas Tech basketball office said , "OK, we've got Midnight Madness coming up and need to do something cool and generate a buzz for the program.  I've got it!  We'll put our old black guy coach on a motorcycle for some reason!  Nothing could go wrong here.  We'll piggyback off of (terrible) Sons of Anarchy (again, just an awful show).  Maybe that one fan who wanted to fight Marcus Smart will get pumped!"  And then he dumped the bike on the court. And Texas Tech is still forever a joke.  LOLOLOLOL!  By the way, college basketball season is around the corner...would Drew and Seal be up for contributing to the preview again (in a few weeks)???  Let's fire that fucking pigskin before Tubby kills himself trying to fly a plane!

Notre Dame Fans - Stop it, stud, save that for tomorrow.

Percy Harvin - When news of his trade to the Jets broke on Friday evening, I was shocked.  Why would Seattle do this?  It's not like they are loaded with proven playmakers on the outside.  But then you realize that Harvin has done so very little in two years there and sounds like a disaster to deal with.  So you dump his ass.  And you trade him to the biggest joke/circus of a franchise in the NFL.  Oh yeah, I'm sure that Rex and Marty will use Harvin well.  LOL!  This is just another reminder that, outside of the Tens, Urban Meyer recruited nothing but human filth at Florida.  No one wants anything to do with any of his old players.  FACT.

Or Not - Maybe Harvin wasn't the problem? Maybe it is the dreaded "disease of more" that shithead Pat Riley describes as the #1 killer of champions trying to repeat.  Because when you lose to the Rams, you pretty much suck.  Rusty Dubs was fantastic to bring them back but that defense just isn't that great for whatever reason.  And, of course, they are given a shot at the end when Tre Mason fumbles but Richard Sherman fucks up the recovery.  3-3.  NOT GOOD.

Luke Kuechly - He's white and from Ohio so everyone loves him but he threw a 'bow at a referee and got kicked out.  I don't blame him.  They were getting slaughtered.  By the way, the Packers are fantastic now that they figured shit out.  Just straight up killing suckas ever since the gay QB reminded us all to relax.

Steven Jackson - Just cut this guy already.  You've got two RBs that deserve more touches for a tenth of the price.  The Falcons are awful.  Joe Flacco?  Still ELITE.

Brian Hoyer - Fucking sucks.  Might want to pump the brakes on those contract extension demands, bruh, you penis-looking garbage QB.  Typical Browns.  Getting their hopes up that they may actually challenge for the North and then get destroyed by a winless London team.

FEED THE LACES - Denard fucking Robinson, the STARTING RUNNING BACK for the Jags, ran for 127 yards.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That's horrendous.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

The entire Bengals organization - Jesus Christ, AJ Green can't be THAT important.  You will be hard pressed to find a worse performance than what the Bengals did yesterday.

CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson - Both died on the field yesterday but that doesn't matter when you have The Kyle Orton Express running trains on The Torg!  BILLS!  Did you see what Sammy Watkins did yesterday, Ray Farmer???  It's going to be hilarious to see people scramble to pick up Bryce Brown (not even active yesterday) off the waiver wire this coming week.

Jay Catler at home - I don't get it.  The Bears are a terrible home team.  Truly the icing on the shit cake that was Larry's weekend as a football fan. Apparently, Brandon Marshall's crazy ass called out The Cat after the game.  Yeah, I'm sure that that will help.

Drew Brees - He was having the best game he has had all season until the last few minutes when he single-handedly lost that game for the Saints.  I would say that the season is over for NO but the South is SO BAD.  Are the Lions the worst 5-2 team ever?  I would rather be the worst 5-2 team than the best 2-5 so I guess it doesn't matter.  At least they didn't miss any field goals.  PROGRESS!

Kirk Cousins - Jesus was he bad in the first half.  So pathetic that it was a really easy call to go with Colt McCoy.  I like Kirk but he is a back-up.  Period.  I wanted to believe otherwise but it just isn't in the cards.  He will be in the league for a decade but the notion that he could be trade bait is foolish and I was the last person to know it.  BUT WE WON!  Colt McCoy for Heisman!  Skins are on Monday Night Football again next week (WHY!  WTF!) in Dallas and it sounds like RG3 is another week away so I would roll with Colt.  HE SICK.  2-5!

Poetic Justice - If you recall, I attacked Brian Orakpo pretty ELITE-like on Friday.  He left the game yesterday with a possible torn tit (again).  This is not my fault.

Kansas City's WRs - Are awful.  They tried all that they could to piss away that nice win.  I've had about enough of Dwayne Bowe.  Now that Lee Evans is out of the league, I would like to nominate Bowe as the new Lee Evans.  Just a rotten player that many people still think is good.  Not a good loss for my Bolts but maybe the Chiefs aren't that bad.  Chargers/Broncos on Thursday...I LIKE.

Tony Sparano - What is their left to bury?  It might be time to dig up Al Davis and then re-bury him.

Larry Donnell - I should have traded you when I had the chance and now I'm two weeks away from cutting you.  Two fumbles isn't going to sit well with your rat-faced asshole head coach, bro.  Bonus worst to Odell Beckham Jr for his stupid dances when his team is getting killed.  This is the kind of shithead that PFTCommenter hates (and rightfully so).  The fucking Cowboys are 6-1 with the Skins up next.  UGH.

FANTASY! - OK, so I easily vanquished Iceman again in the MSFL.  Barring a miracle night from Crabtree, I will beat -Rex in the LFL.  I will likely defeat -Rex again in the G$FL.  AND I will probably roll in my OTHER LEAGUE.  Holy shit!  I whine about my luck and here comes a 4-0 week!  ELITE!  ME HEART FANTASY FOOTBALL AGAIN!

That will do it for me today.  I'm looking forward to watching JJ Watt destroy no less than 40 Steelers tonight.  He's going to bury whoever the RT is.  You may want to check in with this site tomorrow as the day will be highlighted by Notre Dame fans trying to tell us how rules do not apply to them and others will try to convince us that they are playoff material because they keep pounding garbage.  Get ready, sane people, because you will have a real hoot.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Open Forum: Scapegoats

DURRRRRRRRR
The best part about rooting for a fucking loser franchise/team is that you get to be mad all the time and blame others for why you are always so angry.  Being a sports fan isn't about having fun.  It is about suffering through all of the goddamn times that the laundry that you cheer for rips out your black heart and then fucks it good and proper while you sit their in stunned silence.  Fuming.  No one better say one fucking word to you for the next hour or you will rip their head off.  That is how it usually goes.  It's great to win things but the scars are what you remember forever.

The older that I get (I graduated with Grumpy probably) the more mellow and accepting of sports outcomes I have become.  It isn't about maturity either.  It's that I have embraced my inner-Iceman.  I KNOW that my team will fail so I temper my expectations.  It is a reverse Cakes outlook on life (Allah bless him...I don't know how he does it).  If you accept that they're going to blow it somehow and probably in embarrassing fashion, it doesn't necessarily lessen the blow, but at least you won't be surprised.  At this stage of my life, I just SMH and roll my eyes.

Where am I going with this?  Who knows!  It's a bit of a rough transition but being a loser isn't always smooth sailing so I'll allow it.  I'm a big fan of picking one or two shitheads off of my squadrons and blaming them for everything.  Back in the day, it wasn't LeBron that kept failing for the Cavs it was goddamn Drew Gooden and his stupid hair!  I will never stop hating Drew Gooden.  Prime is a way better basketball player imo.  So I figured that today we could all go around the commenting room and share our scapegoats.  And if you are having a hard time with this, just remember that Ohio Buckeye fans are still blaming Joe Bauserman for everything.

Brian Orakpo. People seem to think that this guy is an ELITE pass rusher.  I don't know why.  He SUCKS.  If it is possible to get negative pressure on the QB, then he does it.  The Skins franchise tagged him this year because they wanted him to prove himself coming off of injury.  He has .5 sacks through 6 games.  One half of one sack.  This guy has always been more steak than sizzle.  Last year some time, I listed the most OVERRATED players in a bunch of different sports.  Orakpo was left off the list because he tore his titty.  Well, let me tell you, this bro is ridiculously OVERRATED.  If you want to know why the Redskins are 1-5 and will probably lose to Tennessee this week, it isn't because the offense sucks.  It is because they get no blindside pressure on the QB ever.  Let this fucking guy walk after this most recent shitbag worthless season ends.  He isn't worth it any more.

I don't know who I will blame on the Cavs but I'll just assume that Mike Miller will be a contender for that crown.  I will forever loathe Mark Teixeira.  And, on the ice, I don't know, I like all of the Jackets.  I suppose I could point a finger at Nathan Horton's shit back.  Tim Erixon kind of looks like a douche but he's playing well so I will allow it.

Let's play the blame game today.  But we can't exit Stage ELITE without a trip to the Glory Hole!

This week's MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-4!) was tough because the initial game that I liked I ended up scrapping out of fear.  I initially was going to go with BG -1 vs. WMU but I'm backing off from that one.  Instead, I'm going with Army -2.5 @ Kent State.  Kent is 0-7, averaging 17 points per game, and can't stop the run.  Army can only run the ball.  Kent State is awful.  I also like Akron -3.5 @ Ohio KneelandBobcats.  Frank Solich is just doing a terrible job there now and I love every second of it.

That will do it for us this week.  G$ is taking his spawn to her first college hockey game tonight as the RedHawks come to town to do their annual pillage and plunder of Ohio Buckeyes.  It will be a nice appetizer for her first flag carrying in a few weeks.  BEAT CALGARY AND OTTAWA AND OHIO BUCKEYES AND NORTHERN ILLINOIS AND TENNESSEE TITANS!  That covers about everything.  Any team that loses will be Orakpo and his caveman buddy's fault anyway.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Just Feel Like We Need A Wrestling Post

Bad Lip Reading: "Did something fly in my crotch?"

I haven't been able to stop watching Randy Orton RKOing the fuck out of everybody on the internet and I don't want to. I was going to do a little breakdown of the best #RKOing vids that have been released...but then I found out SBNation and Uproxx had already done it, and I was left without a plan. But alas, great members of the commentariate, I bring you the best of both worlds. Some of my favorite members of this glorious meme and a list of WWF suggestions who should be up next.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: I can't think of a meme that the Texas Rattlesnake shouldn't be involved in, but this one is an obvs no brainer. You have the glass shattering, the stunner, the middle fingers, and then the beer chug. I can see Jay Cutty getting stunned right now.


The Undertaker: Imagine a running back diving for the pylon, being upended and about to land on his head...and then out of nowhere The Deadman comes in and Tombstones him. I need that in my life.


Hacksaw Jim Duggan: They already created a video featuring the "Clothesline from Hell"(whoever the fuck that guy is). Just look at this wrestling tactitian and tell me he doesn't deserve all this glory. USA USA USA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Ted Dibiase: I'm sure there is a video out there of Iceman slowly crumpling to the ground under the weight of his 18th rumplemintz shot. The Million Dollar Dream should totes be making an appearance in that video.


The Rock: You can't have a list like this and leave out The People's Champ, no matter how terrible Pain and Gain(one of the few movies I couldn't make it through) was. The Rock Bottom and The People's Elbow would work perfectly in these.


Ric Flair: I seriously LOL'd at the thought of Flair going crazy with WOOOOOOO Chops and then doing his strut.

Also, this was done back in 2009. Talk about being ahead of your time.

Hulk Hogan: The Hulk should be coming through at the end of every single one of these videos and finishing it with the leg drop.

hahahahahahahaha that's just fantastic.

Shawn Michaels: Sweet Chin Music was made for this shit. Ask Yasiel Puig.



BRILLIANT! This will never get old. Please leave your suggestions in the comments. And if you have some of your own internet gold to drop on us then please do that as well. The internet is a magnificent beast.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Thing That I Love Has Become Lame

We've been cranking out posts here for awhile now and one thing that has always been certain is my unequivocal love for the fantasy football lifestyle.  I have written about it way too much.  Until the last few years, it has always been nothing but bluster.  Yet I hit a groove and became the only person you know that has won a title in every league that he competes in (minimum of four leagues, bruh).  Throughout the month of August, we even have a weekly Fantasy Football Friday feature to get everyone's mind sharp heading into draft season.

I've also been very open and honest about this season being the season from Hell for ol' G$.  Nothing is going right.  The great thing about fantasy sports is that it can ease the pain of a God awful real team like the Washington Navajo Nation.  I can't even get THAT right this year.  This has been a TERRIBLE season.  Maybe it's the constant losses and poor management decisions but I have come to a conclusion...

Fantasy Football has jumped the shark.  I might even be able to convince myself that it is OVERRATED.  I'm not there yet, mind you, but I'm getting there.  Allow me to explain why.

*Everyone plays it now.  Even women!  The nerve of them!  Nothing is cool when everyone does it.
*People don't seem to get that no one cares about your team or bad beats or whatever if they aren't in your league.  We can talk about things here because there is a league founded from the dark hellscape of the comment section.  But as soon as you mention your OTHER LEAGUE, I'm fucking out.  Everyone seems to understand that no one wants to hear about your teams, but they keep talking anyway.
*The woman that sits next to me at work is in a league for the first time with her husband and friends.  It's kind of adorbs to see someone take a free league so seriously.  What isn't cool is that she wants roster advice and waiver suggestions EVERY DAY.  Plus, I'm kind of jealous of her roster.
*I'm learning this the hard way but one major injury or suspension and the shit is over.  It doesn't matter how many minor trades that you pull off (and boy have I tried).  If your stud fucks you, then you are FUCKED.  It is impossible to get unfucked.
*That said, Fantasy Football is way more luck than skill.  I hate to admit this because I like consider myself an expert but it's true.  If you can avoid the IR then that is the most important trait for your roster.  I won the MSFL because of Peyton last year.  I did almost nothing but slot him in at QB for 15 weeks.  It was the easiest thing that I've ever done.  When you win something, you like to feel that you've earned it.  I did not earn that title.  I happily accept it though as well as the homemade Second Mile t-shirt that came with it.
*Speaking of experts, everyone fucking considers themselves to be one now.  This is maddening to me.  Hell, 97.1 has a FF expert (Tito!) and he has his own radio show and rankings.  Why?  Why are their rankings at all?  This is a waste of time and--news flush--these losers can't predict the future so why are you buying into their rankings at all?  You shouldn't need Akbar the NFL Network Terrorist to yell at you that you should play all players going against the Jags.
*I will say that The League is getting better.  Others may disagree and a lot of the characters are d-bags, but I still find it to be a solid situational comedy (or "sitcom")
*I also like Fantasy Football Now on ESPN2.  They don't fuck around.  You get injury updates and possible waiver guys.  That's all I need.  Now stop showing me matchups from the ESPN NFL League.  I do not care if Ed Werder stuck it to Mort last week.
*Holy shit is this market over-saturated.  I was walking the dog and baby on Sunday evening and all I wanted was to listen to NFL updates.  Instead I got some weird fantasy football show on ESPN Radio in which Randy "Quee Quee" Scott (trashiest looking SportsCenter anchor ever) was wondering if he could trade Larry Fitzgerald next week since he finally scored.  This went more than one segment.  Tell me about the games being played.  Again, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.  Quee Quee also admitted to being a Raiders fan but picked the Chargers in his survivor pool so he was rooting against his team.  These were topics going on instead of discussing anything about the very good Cowboys/Seahawks game.

It's just too much.  Like I said, having a bad season isn't helping but I feel like networks are focusing more on fantasy stats than the actual games being played.  And that is stupid.  I'm never going to quit playing but I am going to starting distancing myself from FF for the rest of the season.  Looking at my rosters, this should not be hard.  Maybe I can focus more on point spreads instead.  I don't know, we'll think of something.  Is this loser talk?  OH YEAH!  Do I give a fuck?  Absolutely not.  But I've always said that I would rather the Redskins be consistently good then for me to win anything in fantasy.  I stand by that.  My team will forever fail me though.

Either way, I am not ashamed to announce that fantasy baseball is the far superior game.  It actually takes skill and no fucking idiots are ever going to win a title in that.  So slow your roll, Fantasy Football, I will be back but I would prefer it if you were a lot less annoying.  ACleanPairOfShorts is still going to win the G$FL because we have a great name and logo.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!