Friday, January 30, 2015

Our Final Super Bowl Prediction Post

NEVER FORGET
Enough with the tears and memories...there will be more time for that later.  Let's talk about the biggest sporting event on the planet before we flat-line.  I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog’s creation. This is the 9th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. I can't remember if the system is 6-2 or 5-2 so we'll just assume that we are 6-2. It picked Denver last year even though I kept saying throughout that I hated that pick (and bet against it).  I expect to continue our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no real feel on this game at all. I can’t look at either team and say “yes, this is why they will definitely win” as I have been able to do in the past. This is a tough game to handicap. The line opened at SEA -2.5 but has gone bonkers and has settled on New England -1 with an O/U of 47.5.
Remember, RIBS are on the line (and we have a new leader):

13-7: JSaul
12-8: G$, Drew, Ide, Iceman
10-10: Buke, Andrew B
9-11: Lacey, Seal, Jeff
8-12: Mr. Ace
7-13: Prime...an embarrassment
Lover of getting pegged: -Rex

It's a five stud race to the finish.  The tie-breaker will be Gronk receiving yards using Price is Right rules (because as we all know, in football, LOW MAN WINS).  Let's fire up the Predictifier one last time:

QB - Tom Brady is possibly the best QB to ever live so he is definitely ELITE.  Rusty Dubs is well on his way there at this pace.  However, rumors are swirling on Twitter that he definitely had a concussion against GB (TOTES OBVZ) and is still dealing with headaches now.  Also, Brady bangs Gisele while Rusty is nailing Snowphat (left and a man) and is probably gayer than Michael Sam.  NE +4

RB - Lynch is the goddamn best.  Treating the media like the filth that they are and celebrating with dick grabs and candy is just amazing.  Blount is a piece of shit and deserves nothing but bad things.  SEA +5

WR/TE - You really have to give Seattle a ton of credit for doing what they've done the last two years with absolutely zero decent wide receivers.  Doug Baldwin is terrible.  The Patriots have the three best pass catchers in this game (if not more).  I haven't done any prop research yet but I will probably go over on Brandon LaFell's total yards.  Have a feeling that he's going to have a big role.  Gronk gets extra points for A Gronking To Remember.  NE +6

OL - The Seahawks have a guy named JR Sweezy which is the least white name a white man has ever had.  As you remember, the Pats had #77 Nate Solder score a receiving touchdown last game.  We favor #77's making the score sheet here.  NE +3

DL - When you start a guy from Bowling Green, you are inferior always.  Michael Bennett (the DL, not the horrible RB from Wisconsin from about a decade ago) wore a hilarious cowboy hat to Media Day.  Props to that.  SEA +2

LB - I really like both Bobby Wagner and Jason Collins or whatever his name is.  Malcolm Smith is still there I think and he won the SB MVP last year somehow.  Circle gets the square. SEA +2

DB - There is no doubt that Richard Sherman and Revis are the two best CBs in the league (Peterson is third and Justin Gilbert is last).  Chancellor and Thomas are badasses and I can't wait to watch them deal with Gronk.  I think that Patrick Chung sucks though and Brandon Browner is the most OVERRATED CB in the game.  Dude holds on every route.  SEA +3

K/P - Still have not forgiven Belichick for getting rid of ZOLTAN.  Gostkowski and Hauschka are both incredible kickers (takes one to know one).  SEA wins the points though because Jon Ryan is a touchdown throwing machine and trolled Big Gay Aaron Rodgers after he did it.  Respeck, BRAH! SEA +2
WTF?

Return Game - A bald idiot once constantly mouth-queefed that "SPECIAL TEAMS WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS" and it has to be true with these two squads.  I mean, each team features a white punt returner.  That is huge.  PUSH DUE TO EQUAL GRIT

Coach - I am not much of a Pete Carroll fan but at least he doesn't cheat.  However, McDaniels is killing it with formations and schemes and that could be a deciding FACTor.  That leads me to ask the question: Is Josh McDaniels a FACTorback?  NE +3

City - Would I rather spend a weekend in Seattle or Boston?  LOL!  I'll take mountains over fall foliage every day.  SEA +4

Fans - Who do I hate more: SeaHulk and the 12th Man (blatant rip-off of Texas A&M by the way) or Tommy From Quincy and people of that ilk.  Maybe I'm growing soft over the years but I find the 12th Man to be way more nauseating.  Probably because you can shut up any Pats fan by mentioning that they can't be ELI.  Also, I'm a fan of Li'l Poopson.  NE +2

Celeb Fans - I can forgive Seattle for embracing Macklemore because they have Johnny Karate on their side.  Bostonians can go to the Hell of Hell forever.  SEA +5

Organization - Bob Kraft killed his wife instead of just divorcing so that he could fuck models.  And now he wants an apology from the NFL even though he and Goodell play tummy-sticks on the reg.  I feel like the Seahawks owner is the Microsoft guy or the Starbucks guy or Boeing or some such thing that I've used plenty of times.  SEA +3

Against The Spread - Seattle was 11-7 against the number this year while the Patriots were 10-8.  The team that makes people the most money gets the point.  SEA +1

Add it all up and The Predictifer has...

Seattle goes back-to-back with a 27-18 (SEA Under) victory in Super Bowl 49 at Burke's House.  It's pretty simple: who wins the middle of the field when New England has the ball?  I like those safeties more than Gronk and Edelman.  Put me down for Gronk with 77 yards because that is the best number.

It should be a great game.  All week, I was thinking New England but The Predictifier brought up a lot of great points.  I believe in sports karma and thus there is no chance in Detroit that the Patriots deserve to hoist a trophy Sunday night.  Then again, this has been a God awful year for the NFL so what better way to cap it off than by having the cheaters win.  As for my slovenly ways, I have decided on making a taco pizza (sheet style) and I very much looking forward to making that.  I don't know who I am rooting for (probably will be Seattle) but I know that I am definitely on Team Katy Perry.  See you Monday.  Enjoy the Super Bowl.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Last of the Great Apes

Timeless
"Jesus, two weeks of this? I never thought I would miss G$. Ace is absolutely obsessed with male genitalia and rectums" - Grumpy
"G$ licks oreos too....Jeter's taint. This blog was fucking garbage" - Drew
"If G$ has time to comment, why can't he just write the damn post? Better effort today Mr. Ace. You are no G$, but you're growing on me." - Grumpy
"Burn In Hell Jim Johnson!" - Anon
"Did you steal the copy from Sportscenter and post it here? I'm ready for the first post from a real blogger. I miss the G man." - Grumpy
"Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are much more interesting topics." - Damman
"alright, nice blog run by fucking 5-year olds who delete people's posts... This site went in the shitter this week G$. Might be worse than jbeanie." - Seal
"Good stuff, ace. You're right about the gingervitis though. G$s legs haven't seen the sun since the eagles last won a superbowl." - Dut
"Mr. Ace is hitting his stride. Funny shit. Who need G$?" - Grumpy
"It seems nobody has actually met G$. Have you ever seen he and Clay Aiken in the same room?" - Grumpy
"I'm sitting in the airport now still thinking about how annoying our freaking dj was." - G$
"By the way, the first card that we opened on Sunday morning was from Li'l Strut. The first thing I remember reading was "strap-on" and I announced that that card was not to be read." - G$
"Yesterday you just made yourself look stupid. Picking the Eagles to go 14-2 means you're either taking drugs or forgot to take your drugs. Why would G$ leave a moron in charge?" - Grump
"come on damman, i wanna see you back up our browns before i shoot this ignorant asshole. 
i fucking hate the steelers, but you cant say they arent that good.
grumpy is right, you obviously dont know dick." - Seal

Back in the summer of 2009 you all hated me...and Ioved every minute of it. But then, I dropped this gem, and I became a fan favorite.
"That was fucking AWESOME! Why did you wait a week to get out your best material?" - Grumpy
"Good shit Ace! Best description of GMoney ever!" - Seal
"All of your blogs have sucked balls up until this one...that was great. I do hope G$ is back next week though, as I know you can't do better." - Drew
"Ace this may be your best post ever. I'm a little pissed that Sean didn't say anything about me." - Dut
"Ha, I read it at work and had to keep my hand over my mouth to cover up the fact that I was laughing/not working. Great stuff!" - LS
"Fucking hillarious, although I didn't need the image of GMoney on his wedding night." - Burgei

...and the ACEterview was born.

It was a rough start here for Mr. Ace as a contributor. The Money Shot wasn't ready for a new voice, especially one that was relentless with the punchlines and immature dick/pussy jokes. I don't blame you guys, change can be tough. G$ had been doing his thing for awhile at that point and the idea of somebody stepping in, even for just two weeks, probably was a real jolt do your daily media intake. But we made it through it. I've grown, you've grown...we've grown.
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When things come to an end I always think about legacy. What is my legacy at The Money Shot? Obviously the porn post stands out first and foremost. That thing was undeniably legendary. The "May The Forcier Be With You" post probably isn't too far behind for most of you. But I hope that I brought more than that.

It was 364 days ago that I started my comeback. I just got the itch and it seemed like G$ would be open to only blogging 3 days a week. I wanted to do things a little differently when I came back. I wanted to be a little more personal, give some perspectives that people might not get to see, and open up some conversations on topics that typically didn't get much play at The Money Shot. Religion, politics, education, Big Tymers, dogs, boob gifs...porn...those are the things that really matter. We all love sports, but we have strong opinions on a lot of different things. I tried to bring that aspect to The Money Shot and I think I did. And I also dropped some topnotch #Facts on you bitches. I'm trying to say I'm basically Anderson fucking Cooper without the cocksucking.
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About the same time I came back to contributing here I decided to clean up the ol' Toolshed, and changed into Ace Takes. I never had any real plans of opening it back up. I knew that I would need multiple contributors because I didn't and don't have any interest in creating more than two posts a week. But it's something that I always kept in the back of my head just in case.

But I think G$'s right. It's time for a change. A shift in direction where we can all contribute will be a good thing. No matter how many DickGIF's Drew can throw at us. At the very least it will be interesting seeing Grumpy trying to figure out a new app.

And as G$ said, my last appearance here will by on Tuesday when I do an AMA with our fearless ginger leader. I'd like all commenters to get a chance to ask one question of their own, so if you have something you want to ask then either DM me on Twitter, @itsmracebrah, or shoot me an email at MoneyShotFantasies@gmail.com. Happy Fucking Thursday.


 This was almost a rap post. The new Lupe, Joey BadA$$ and Fabolous are fire. That's all.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Perfect Storm Is Upon Us

WTF???
If you missed yesterday's big news, Iceman has officially retired from the blogging world and is riding off into the sunset with the title of World's Least ELITE College Football Reporter.  He gave me a whopping 18 hour notice about this by the way.  I hold nothing against him though because he did what we asked of him and delivered and received shit for a long time.  We wish him well.  Knowing that he lives in Florida, he's going to need all the help that he can get.

So what happens now?  Who is working Tuesdays?  Am I hiring?  Making Ape work double shifts?  Well, it's complicated.

I have decided to shut down The Money Shot.  Whoa.  That is an emotional sentence for me to type.  The final post here will be posted one week from today on 2/4.  You probably want to know why and that is a perfectly cromulent question to ask.  As I mentioned in the title, it was sort of a perfect storm of circumstances leading to this decision.

*Much like Iceman, internally I said that I would only keep doing this if it wasn't a drag.  For awhile now, it has been a drag.  I HATE Sundays knowing that I have to write something for Monday morning.
*You don't know this but on Monday, we reached ONE MILLION page views.  Now, that isn't any sort of accomplishment considering that we've been open for nine years but that number was also a landmark that, once reached, would lead toward me looking at the finish line.
*Life is different for me now.  I have more important priorities as do most of us.  It's not that the writing itself is time consuming, but the preparation for posts is exhausting.  It feels like half of my day revolves on what I can write about and how the post needs to flow and it takes its toll.
*While Iceman vacating his day wasn't the deciding factor, I said that I would never go back to writing four days a week.  I also have a strange feeling that Mr. Ace wasn't going to be far behind in leaving.
*I'm empty on life stories.
*After receiving his notice, I just sat in my office and thought to myself "it's not that I can't keep doing this, it's that I don't want to do this anymore".  And once you start thinking like that, it's time to walk away.
*It feels like the right time.

I told She$ about this decision while I was watching Brock Lesnar be all sorts of awesome on Raw (like usual) and her reply was "I'd rather you quit watching pro wrestling than quit your blog".  NEVER!  Don't tell me my business, devil woman!  I thought that she would be more pumped about this.  She can go to Hell.

Anyway, I've decided on one more week before we close the doors.  I'm not going to do an elaborate retirement tour or anything but I feel like we do need a little more time for closure.  HOWEVAH, don't assume that I am leaving you high and dry and sticking you with all work, all the time.  I do have an exit strategy that I think can help everyone who enjoys the daily banter here and wants it to continue.  I am currently looking into free message boards throughout the interwebs that can keep the ELITE trash talk and #IdeLies going while allowing everyone to provide content (not just the three of us).  Some positives for this are:

-24/7 commenting...anything typed after 4 here probably doesn't get read but that isn't an issue on a board--you no longer have to wait until Tuesday morning to talk about Ohio Buckeyes!
-NO FIREWALL ISSUES, DUT...I plan on keeping it simple so your employer should not have a problem
-Better security...a new site means no footprints left behind that Google could pick up on (AKA your name)
-AN IPHONE APP...the current leader in the clubhouse for our board has an app that you can download for easier commenting while taking a shit!

The only negative though is that isn't the same as we have had for almost a decade now.  I'm not the biggest fan of change so this will take some getting used to but I think it is the best way to stick together.  Twitter (@GMoneyELITE) was an option but it's hard to develop molten hot takes in 140 characters and waking up to find that you have 40 mentions isn't a lot of fun.  I compare our situation to graduating high school.  Sure, we could all go our separate ways and move on but I would like you all to move in to this bitching new house that I plan on taking over so the party can continue.  I mean, seriously, do you really want to work that hard?  I will have details on this new endeavor next Wednesday as I plan on spending a good chunk of the next week working on the next chapter of our internet lives.

So there you go guys.  It is officially the beginning of the end.  Tomorrow will be Ape's last trip through the jungle, Friday and Monday will be reserved for the Super Bowl (as was planned), Tuesday Mr. Ace has invited me into his den of savage dogs for a GayMA (sorry, Lacey, you were fired from being NEXT MAN UP), and in 7 days we board up the windows and write ABANDONED on this little corner of the internet.  I GUARANSHEED that I start crying when I write that final post because I AM A REAL MAN.

I will say it again next week but thank you all for what you have done here over the years whether you are a frequent commenter, infrequent poster, or just an avid lurker.  This was not an easy decision but I feel like it is the right decision.  As I said above, this is by no means "goodbye", more like a "smell ya later".  I hate you and love you all but definitely more toward the hate so DEAL WITH IT, BRAH!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A Legend Retires Today.


My departing gift to you all.



Today is the day.  A day that will always be remembered much like the attack on Pearl Harbor, JKF's assassination, the Olson twins 18th birthday, Paris Hilton's sex tape release date and The Fappening.  A day most of you have been waiting for since September 5th, 2011.  Today I officially resign my Tuesday post at the MoneyShot.  Don't all rush out and get me a retirement gift at once.

As much as all of you begged and pleaded G$ to fire me, know that this was 100% my choice and your demands always fell on deaf ears.  Because all of you are dumb assholes.  I've actually been thinking about this move for awhile now.  Back when I obliterated the competition and ran away with this job, I promised myself that the minute doing this felt like work I would hang up my keyboard and walk away in my prime on my terms.  That day has come.  I'm just not into writing posts as I used to be.  So for my last post here at the greatest corner of the Internet world, I will share my fondest memory of each commenter.

Dut - Giving you AIDS in the Jolly St. Prick post is the foundation of my legacy.  It'll be hard to knock that out of the top 5 best things every written here and will most likely make my Hall of Fame speech.

Nibbles - How much your wife hates Ide.  Real, true, passionate hate.

MUDawgFan - For the longest time I thought you and MUfan were the same person.  Still kinda do.  My favorite part about you is how you get so mad when I blast your teams even though deep down you kinda agree with everything I say about them.

MUfan - Gonna need that stalker story, bruh.  No matter how embarrassing it may be.

Burke - Go get me a fucking sandwich.  No onion.  And step on it or your tip will suffer.

Damman - Making everyone buy into the fact that you only fuck fat chicks was a thing of beauty.  Hopefully that legend will never die.

Seal - Your blind rage taught me that it's wise to always keep my blood pressure in check.  Whenever I get frustrated with something I just take a couple deep breaths and say, "Don't be Seal.  Don't be Seal.".  Also, I realized that all Kentucky inbreds aren't complete weirdos the night I blacked out with you at that random bar in Dublin after RibFest.

Cakes - The evolution of Cakes and FUCK YOU CAKES were about the only worthwhile things that came from your comments.  And you probably won't even read this because you randomly vanished like a fart in the wind.

Lacey - You made me despise Notre Dame more than I ever thought possible.  Opened up hate doors I never knew existed after that bitch fest about a perfectly legit offensive PI call.

Jeff - You will go down as my last official COTY nomination.  That's something you can and SHOULD put on your resume.

Prime - You gave me Chip Kelly interviews.  I don't think I need to elaborate.  You were also a valuable asset in the longest post in the history of this site.  The Music Mock Draft - 90's Edition.

Ide - I will forever regret the day we met.  It still haunts me some nights.  But #IdeLies will be something I use forever.  And paying for ribs from NYC was a pretty baller move even though you bitched out on the zombie run because your pussy had the sniffles.

Grumpy - If not for your misplaced Steeler bravado and betting with your white trash Appalachia heart, RibFest would have never been a thing.  When you die in a few months from being 200 years old, I will make sure the tombstone properly represents your greatest life's work.  RibFest.  And not once did I ever clean the fucking attic.

Ace - You set the bar so incredibly low here with shit like May The Forcier Be With You, it was impossible for me to fail.  And where would this website be without your porn post?  Almost non existent, IMO.

And finally, G$ - The father of this site and the mind numbing ELITE debate.  Born and bred from your wide ginger hips and massive birth canal.  You gave me this thankless job 3 years ago for zero dollars.  Suck Eli Manning's pecker.  It was a great 3 year run and I'm grateful I had the chance to piss people off at an alarming rate.  Now go sucker someone else into this terrible job.

So what is my fondest memory of myself, you ask??  ELITE question.  After all these years I would say that my fondest memory of myself would be everything.  But if I had to narrow it down and pick a Mona Lisa...that would have to be the creation of the BRAHs.  That is what I'm most proud of.  As far as the void I've left that will, no doubt, be impossible to fill...use today to express interest/apply for the job you'll never do as well as I did.  For my final thoughts on my final post at the end of a first ballot Hall of Fame blogging career, I will leave you with my campaign slogan that won this election by a landslide back in 2011.  "Gmoney/Iceman 2012.  We're gonna titty fuck the world!"  You're God damn right we did.

Monday, January 26, 2015

STOP TALKING ABOUT AIR PRESSURE

I admit that when Ballghazi initially broke, I was all about bringing those cheating bastards to justice.  I mean, it's TOTES OBVZ that they are lying to everyone and we all know it.  But I can't handle any more Belichick science lesson pressers or Brady playing dumb or ALL THE HOT TAEKS.  Congrats, lame stream media, on killing the shit out of this borderline story.  There was something there that perhaps may have brought down a dynasty (at least I hope) but this John Elway has beaten to death so much that I don't care.  GIVE IT A REST.  There is a Super Bowl to play on Sunday.  I'd rather talk about YAC (or RPY = Rings Per Year) than PSI.  And I speak for everyone with that opinion.

I'll give my quick rundown of what it's like to work the NHL All Star Game Fan Fair at the end.  Unfortunately, there wasn't really much to go a full post on so we're going to address some properly inflated topics.

*It ain't no Champions Lane - Ohio Buckeyes took 12 days to actually throw their dick-sniffing party for some reason but they did so on Saturday morning at their dump stadium.  I was surprised that only 45K were there and I think Poopson counts as two thousand.  Fake fans IMO.  Of course, our dipshit mayor had to go change the name of Lane Ave to Undisputed Way.  Idiot.  Champions Lane is still the superior street.

*RIP Mr. Cub - Ernie Banks died on Friday and if you think that his corpse would avoid jokes here then you have no idea how this site works.  Poor guy nearly made it 84 years all while being a loser every day of his entire life.  I never understood why he always wanted to play two games other than he sure did enjoy losing.  If only he would have chosen the superior Chicago team he would have been able to hoist a trophy in 2005 while the manager called him in a "pendejo".  Yes, that will do.

*The NHL Fantasy Draft is a solid watch - I highly doubt that any of you watched this on Friday night but it was enjoyable.  All the players are waiting to get drafted fantasy football style onto their All Star team while getting blasted on top shelf liquor.  More sports need to get their best players drunk on live TV while Ovi is campaigning to win a free Honda Accord (what they give to their Mr. Irrelevant).

*LOL Dumb Teams - The 2011 NBA Draft was quite a significant amount of garbage.  Yeah, Kyrie was a legit #1 pick and is a star but the rest of the top ten is a real who's who of role players and feces.  I say this because Klay Thompson, the #11 pick that year, went off for 37 points in one quarter on Friday night.  Here are a few guys taken before him in 2011: Derrick Williams, Bismack Biyombo, Jan Vesely, and JIMMER!

*G$ as Ambassador - Fun weekend in Columbus.  And just being a part of it all was cool.  Thursday, I helped out with a street hockey clinic which was kind of boring but whatever.  Friday and Saturday, I helped run the Precision Passing station which was enjoyable.  I got to do some serious work on my stick-handling, puck possession, and saucer passes.  Friday, Phil Kessel and his bruhs came by these game areas and were trying them out (not Kessel himself who was attached to this smoking hot Asian broad) but his boyz did.  I can't even begin to tell you how BRAH these guys were.  I tried to explain how these simple drills worked and all of them might as well have replied with a "CAN IT GO OFF-ROADIN' BRAH!"  Hilarious.  And Kessel's boys are terrible.  Sunday, I worked the Fantasy Draft location where people could get their pics taken where Friday's event was held.  Big -Rex stopped by to say hello.  Nick Foligno showed up randomly and took pictures on the stage after saying hello to me.  We are bros now.  The only thing that I regret is not getting a picture with the Cup.  The problem was that my shifts never lined up where I could achieve that.  If you closed the convention down, it was easy.  I never did.

It was enjoyable and a good experience.  From everything that I've read online, the city has blown away NHL officials and fans and that is a good thing.  Columbus done good.  I would recommend doing something like this.  In FACT, I will probably look into the MLB All Star Game this July in Cincy.  Peace out, bruh.

Friday, January 23, 2015

YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?!?!?

"Hey.  Nice tit bags, lady.  Those puppies just got you a free dessert."
I hate pompous servers.  Especially the ones who act like what they do is sooooo dificult.  I've never been a server myself but I know it can't be that hard.  High schoolers do it for fuck sake.  I'm sure by now everyone has seen these smug little articles being shared by bartenders and servers all across the poisonous landscape of Facebook.  Facebook is a landfill of filth and rot.  The dumbest of the dumb share whatever insanely moronic article that happens to pass by their eyeballs.  Without even reading it all the way, they frantically smash the "share" button so they can be the first idiot fuck to pollute a social media site with information that isn't even close to being correct.  For example...a month ago some dickless fuckin knob I went to high school with shared an article saying how Aaron Hernandez was acquitted of all charges and set to rejoin the Patriots for the playoffs.  Really.  You don't say.  Well just a simple Google search would have shown this guy that he's a total fucking dipshit.  But I guess he would rather look like an idiotic ass then take the two God Damn seconds to FACT CHECK himself.

I'm getting away from myself.  Anyway...there are these articles being shared that are written by bartenders and servers loudly boasting about all the things they can't stand about the people they serve on a daily basis.  A "dos" and "donts" as a customer, if you will.  Oh, really?

First of all, you're a server.  You're doing a job that business owners and managers entrust to immature, teenagers that specialize in fucking up.  You are 100% replaceable so don't act like you're saving the fucking world here.  Second of all, if you hate all this shit and the people you serve so much...GET A DIFFERENT FUCKING JOB.  You are literally the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to the work force.  I respect janitors more.  So GIVE IT A REST on these bitching lists or do something else for a living.

After (regretfully) reading these hilarious lists, I have decided to concoct my own list of "dos" and "donts" for people responsible for serving me food.  If you get to air your grievances then I think it's only right that I get to air mine.

1.  Don't act annoyed that I'm there
The only time you're allowed to act like a cock is if some asshole waltzes in 10 minutes before close.  Because that's a fucking dick move.  Taco Bell closes at 3am.  Go shove that in your fat, lazy mouth, loser.  I have a 30 minute rule that I operate by.  If you close in 30 minutes or less...I won't come in.  Because that's rude as fuck, IMO.  But if you close in 40 minutes then you're fair game.  So if I'm giving you that courtesy, then I expect it back, fucko.  Don't roll your damn eyes at me if I walk in at 9:20 and you close at 10.

2.  Know the menu
If the menu says "a starch" comes as a side and you can't name that starch, it makes you look like a moronic toad.  Not to mention that it also happens to be YOUR FUCKING JOB to know.  Let's not gloss over that.  And for the love of Baby Jesus's dirty diapers...don't tell me that "you think" the starch is mashed potatoes and then bring me grits.  Because I fucking hate grits.  Have you ever bit into grits expecting it to be mashed potatoes because that's what your server told you?  There are no words to describe the fury.

3.  Remember my order
Listen.  No onions is a pretty simple request and pretty easy to remember, I would think.  If you have problems remembering things that were discussed about 8 seconds ago then write it down on your standard restaurant issued goofy little notepad thing.  Don't act like Johnny Fuckin Know-it-all and forget I hate onions by the time you get back to the kitchen because you can't stop starting at hostess Monica's barely 18 tits.  No one likes a hero, pal.  And another thing.  If you fuck up my order, don't go back to the kitchen and have one of the high school drop outs working the grill just scrape off what I don't like with his nut skin.  Re-do it.  You're the one who fucked up.  Not me.

4.  I'm not a professional eater
More times than not, I utilize the appetizer page of the menu.  Fuck off, I like to eat.  Just because I eat like a hog doesn't mean I care to look like one too.  So wait until I've finished my appetizer before you bring anything that has to do with my main course, dick smack.  I don't even give a rat's ass if you take my entree order WHILE I'm enjoying my appetizer.  Go nuts, if you must.  Just don't shove everything I ordered in front of me all at once.  I'm not Joey Fucking Chestnut.  I'm not housing everything in under 6 minutes.  Furthermore, I don't care to ruin any shirt sleeves from unknowingly dipping them into the marinara trough as I reach for my double bacon cheeseburger.

5.  Pet names
These are annoying.  Don't use them.  I'm not a "hun" or a "sweetie" or a "babe".  I'm a fucking man with a fucking name that you don't need to know or use.  Your job isn't to get to know me on a personal level.  Your job is to take my order (correctly) and make sure Billy Trailer Park in the back cooks it right without doing anything illegal to it.  That's it.  Pretty simple.

6.  Refills
This pisses me off like no other.  I don't know how everyone else here is, but I must have a beverage at all times while eating.  I just do, okay?  I shouldn't have to stop you as you pass by my table for the 5th time and beg for a refill after my drink has been empty for 10 minutes.  I know you've had a tough night because you just got 30 Snapchats of your girlfriend getting finger slammed in some college guy's TransAm but don't take your grief out on my thirst.  I'm sure you have "a lot of tables" but making sure my drink is always full goes a long way towards that tip you think you deserve so much.

7.  Tips
Here's my philosophy on tipping.  You have to fucking earn it.  I'm not going to automatically tip the suggested 20% if you've been a dead fish all night.  I can't stand it when I get reminded that servers rely on tips to survive.  Oh yeah??  Then they better do their fucking best at earning those tips, now shouldn't they?  And if I'm paying in cash then bring me back bill denominations conducive to tipping properly.  Instead of giving a ten and two fives, bring out a ten, a five and five ones.  That's serving 101, dick head.  If you don't give me proper tipping change then that shitty tip is on you, hoss.

8.  Check, please.
I hear this a lot...in the whiniest, most nasally voice ever.  "I hate it when people stay too long after their meal.  They don't realize I make more money by flipping tables faster."  Is that a fact?  That's odd because it always takes forfuckingever to get my check and have you process it.  The checkout process should take no more than 5 minutes.  Drop check off, fill another table's drinks, come back to me, take check with my cash/card inside, swipe card or cash out, bring back, goodbye forever.  Simple.  I don't want to be there any longer than you want me to be there, shit lips.  So let's do each other a fucking favor and speed this whole process up.

Eight is an odd number to end on but whatever.  This was strictly off the top of my head with no real structure.  Just an angry retort to asshole servers who think they're better than the people they serve.  So shove that up your asses, dick wads.  You guys think you're so fucking perfect but guess what?  You suck just as much, if not more, than the shit heels you serve and bitch about on the Internet.  The same people you rely on to put gas in your Honda Civic that gets you to community college you'll never finish.  I hope you enjoyed your dining experience with the Iceman today.  I'm here to make the world a better, more hate filled place for all.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Quick Hitters: Gig'em Gerry, Comedy Central Wednesday Nights, and More Fucking Dog Issues

OMG, That's sooo funny!

BIG ACE Update: He's going in for a small procedure tomorrow...or at least he should be if his blood levels are okay. They say if everything goes well he should be out by Saturday. However, they are not aware of my father's knack for turning 3 day stays into 17 day staycations. So hopefully all goes well. This shit will never end.

Fucking Dogs, Man. And not my fucking dogs. I have the worst fucking neighbors in the world. They have random cars in the driveway, they have blankets hung up over all their windows(great for property value, I hear), they're loud, and they have 4 Rottweilers that basically live in the backyard 24/7 and just bark constantly. I ignore them and deal with it, but everything about their dog situation pisses me off and that all came to a head Saturday.

Twice in the last three weeks one of their dogs has gotten out of their fence and ended up on my property. The first time I had my German Shepherd in the front yard playing frisbee. The dog came running towards us, my dog chased it back to its doorstep. I called my dog back and then tried to go knock on the door. The dog was going crazy whenever I got close, so I just waited outside until somebody let the dog in. That was the first time it happened in the two years we have lived here, so I just let it go.

And then Saturday happened. We just got a new foster dog last Monday. She's a great dog, but needs some training in her interactions with other dogs. Which means constantly barking Rottweilers aren't ideal neighbors for her. And in the back corner of my yard there is a small section of chainlink fence where the Rotts jump up and bark. My dogs don't go back there because I don't let them. The new dog didn't get that memo and went running back there. So I had to throw some shoes on and run back there to get her. So I get back there and one of the larger Rotts has jumped the fence and is in my yard. The fuck? I'm pretty sure the fence just gave way and the dog came tumbling over, because it was terrified when I got back there. My dogs didn't attack it, but they had it in a corner. I got my dogs away and back inside and then went over to the neighbors.

And what do you fucking know, they aren't home. Now what the fuck do I do? I have this terrified large dog in my backyard, it won't move, it barks when I approach it, and it's owners aren't fucking home. Oh, and their other three dogs are going nuts. I don't want to call the cops or the dog warden, because I just don't. So I grab a rake and swing it around while yelling like caveman. It works. The dog jumped back over the fence.

The next day I go over to my neighbors house multiple times to try to talk about this. Nobody answers the door. I know they're fucking home. I can see the TV screen flashing through a basement window. What a bunch of fucks. So I write a note, being very respectful and explaining the situation, and said that I just want to make sure everybody stays safe. I leave my phone number. I don't expect any response.

Lo' and behold, I come home from work last night and there are random pieces of metal siding stacked up against the chainlink fence. It's trashy as fuck, but at least it should keep the dogs back...or make it really fucking loud when they escape. God dammit I hate those people. I should have just called the cops, right?

Workaholics/Broad City. This is the best hour of television around right now. And I am the most gender biased media consumer out there, but Broad City is hilarious. #JeanClaudesDamnVan

GERRY! GERRY! GERRY! I suppose there is a chance that some of you guys missed this huge Michigan recruiting announcement...
As excited as I am about Roquan Smith possibly committing to Michigan(not likely), Gerry was even more excited. In fact, he was so excited that he decided to celebrate with some Pornhub and share his choice of spankbank with his loyal followers. That's correct, this ESPN National Recruiting Analyst tweeted out a porn link. And I know what you're all wondering. "What was he jerking it to, Mr.Ace?" Well I did some research for you and found out where that link led to. Turns out our friend Gerry is a fan of Teen Porn, particularly films starring Krystal Boyd. Gerry takes his scouting of high school talent very seriously. At least he's consistent. Drew and Gerry have a lot in common it appears.

Now I'm not here to rag on the guy for watching porn. I'm not even gonna rag on him for posting the link. Mistakes happen. I know. About 3 years ago I was working in a residential facility with sexually reactive youth; aka sexual offenders...or at least kids who were found guilty of attempting to offend. At this same time, a friend of mine sent me a link to some Youporn vid that he claimed had some chick we went to college with. I opened the vid, got distracted by something, and then locked my phone. Hours later it's about bedtime at the facility and I am bullshitting with one of the clients, who is 19, and at some point we start talking about my dog. I unlock my phone to show him a video of my dog and FUCKING BAM PORN IN MY FACE! My heart drops immediately. I try to hide it, but the kid saw it. Pornographic material can be a HUGE trigger for some of these kids. Thankfully, this happened to be a kid who kinda got fucked in his situation and didn't really belong in our program. So he just laughed at me trying to cover it up.

The point is; Shit Happens. Especially in recruiting porn. We've all been caught watching porn on the job, right? RIGHT? Hopefully we get some answers from ESPN today. And by answers I hope they don't do anything because it's just, like, porn man. But until then, lets make Gerry feel better and share our stories of porn coming back to bite us in the ass...in the comments.