Wednesday, February 04, 2015

The Series Finale of The Money Shot...

Well, we did it.  This is the 2,385th and final post at The Money Shot.  February 4th, 2015 is probably going to be talked about more than 9/11 and Pearl Harbor combined when the new history books are written.  As I've mentioned over the past week, this day was coming at some point--I just did not know when.  Now that we are here, I'm strangely at peace.  It just seems right.  Helping ease the powerful feels is the next chapter of our internet lives anyway but we'll get to that later.

I started The Musings of GMoney (nice name, douche) in July of 2006 while I was living in a one bedroom apartment on the east side of Cleveland.  The idea was sprung on me by a current college football DL coach who thought that I could carve out a decent niche on the worldwide web with my unique opinions, brash style, and gorgeous looks.  Ironically, the plans for this site were hatched at the wedding reception of Ace's basketball coach cousin.  Dickhead was actually there when this site was mentally born and he didn't even know it.  Hell, we probably didn't even know each other at that point.  Either way, solo living isn't easy and I started randomly writing to get through the boredom and loneliness (very little of it was any good though).

Once I moved to Columbus, I started doing this daily.  I'm not sure if anyone remembers this, but I used to write posts as soon as I came into work every morning.  How mad would you jerks be if I was posting at 9 am every day still?  LOL SO MAD BRO.  We eventually started to build a following whether it be through lifelong friends from Nap, through message boards/links, or picking up losers off the scrap heap (Drew).  We added Mr. Ace along the way to lessen my burden and then he quit.  After a high stakes contest to replace him, we gained an Iceman.  Iceman then eventually died out of stupidity, came back as someone else, killed that guy off, and then became a born-again Iceman.  Never forget that this was all necessary because he is an idiot.  Then Mr. Ace came crawling back again and we had a threesome that was loved and hated and lusted after by all.  We developed our own played out words and phrases.  We LOLZed.  We cried.  We got erect. We got married.  We had kids.  We had incredible discussions about pornography.  It was everything that I ever wanted.

Over the years, and especially recently, people have asked what the goal was for The Money Shot.  Did I have bigger aspirations for the site?  To answer that question as plainly as possible.  No.  This is exactly what I wanted it to be.  I didn't secretly want to work at The Dispatch or whatever.  I can only imagine submitting this site as a writing sample and the sports editor saying, "Have you seen how this guy uses the word 'faggot'?  Incredible!  Let's put him on the Crew beat post haste!" I wanted a relatively small and tight-knit group that I could see myself arguing at a bar with over sports and life or whatever only doing it every day on the internet.  I had no intention of making it big as a blogger (LOL).  The only thing that I wanted from this was a distraction from work and/or life.  I love talking about sports and I REALLY love being right.  That's all that I've ever needed.  Finding a group of assholes with the same zest for internet life was all that I required.

No one has ever asked, but I do have two big regrets here.  It's nothing major but there were two stories/concepts that I wanted to address but never got around to it.

*Big Boy Work Stories - In high school, I was a server for six months or so at Big Boy.  Burke was a cook and a handful of our bros also worked there.  It was seriously the worst restaurant ever.  We picked on the mentally challenged dishwasher (she threw a butter knife at me once!), fucked with nearly everyone that tried to order via the drive-thru (I will never forget one guy screaming at the top of his lungs, "I WANT A GODDAMN PEPSI WITH NO ICE"!), and who could forget the fake shit.  I will tell that tale really quick.  Juan Negro and myself were the only servers on the floor one night and it was about an hour before close.  The only people in there were the regulars that just drank coffee and smoked a lot.  We see a car pull in and neither of us want to deal with them.  Black decides to put a lump of the plastic fake dog shit on the floor mat so it is the first thing that you see when you walk in.  This foursome opens the door, I smile at them, they look down, and then immediately retreat back to their car.  LOL!  Black and I went back to working on our Paul Bearer impressions probably.  There are so many good stories from that dump and I wish I had dedicated more time to telling them.
*The grandest finale - For YEARS, I had my exit planned.  It just didn't work out due to laziness.  It was going to be an incredibly high concept week-long post in the style of Vh1's Behind The Music.  Prime, Ape, Iceman, and myself would have formed a rock band and everyone who has contributed here in the past would have played some role in our story.  One day would be the rise then the break-through then the peak of popularity then the fall and to end with the redemption story.  It was going to be great.  I was mentally writing this thing for three years.  But it would have taken forever so I just never started.  SPOILER ALERT: Ape lost an arm in a fight with his savage dogs, Prime was murdered by Boogie Cousins, Iceman became addicted to ribs and was living inside a smokehouse, and I left the band to do acoustic sets under the backdrop of old Peter King columns called "Ten Songs I Think I Sung".  I was the one with the gigantic ego OBVZ.  And it would have ended with all of us burying the hatchet and going on one final Prime-less tour with each of carrying 50 pounds of fat on our frames just like every band.

So what happens now?  Where do we go from here?  I believe that I promised some sort of message board option?  To quote the great Walter White, "you're goddamn right".  Starting RIGHT NOW, the next chapter has begun.  When one door closes, another one opens.  That door has a big sign on it that reads ELITE TAKES.  Yes, ELITE Takes dot com is now your source for 24 hour smack talk and comment accountability.  It is intentionally a bare bones site.  No site banner that screams "not appropriate for work".  No spam.  13 threads and nothing but the best.  I have asked so little from all of you over the years (outside of Iceman and Mr. Ace).  I do ask that you register for the board and give it a chance.  What are you going to do?  Work?  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

That is it for us here at The Money Shot.  The comment section will be open until about 4 pm today until I shut down comments for good.  That will be sad.  The site will remain forever though because I am still very proud of what we have done and also because people need to be held accountable.  We've done some great work here, people, and you should all be pleased with what you've added.  I wanted to close with a quote from one of America's finest poets:

Not about to see your light
And if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like

--Glenn Danzig

LOL!  Iceman thinks that he's hot.  Never forget.  Enough of that though.  One more time, thank you all for your support over the years.  We could not have done it without you.  Nine years is a long time.  Hell, this site can officially try out for Little League.  But it's time to send it out to stud and move on.  Adios, Money Shot, your services were always beloved by all yet are no longer needed.  We will love and miss you forever.  Goodbye.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Ask Me Anything: The GayMA You've All Been Waiting For

Welp. It's Apocalypse Eve here at The Money Shot. G$ bumped Mrs. Ward...and Lacey I guess, out of the hot seat in a move that will never be forgiven. I bet Mrs. Ward would have had some boiling hot takes. But I felt the right thing to do was grant the slave master of this site his wish; An AMA done by your favorite blogger's favorite blogger. Enjoy.

 Ace: I prefer the ol Facebook chat for the AMA's. I'm gonna send u the ones that got submitted so far first. Then send u the real gay ones after I'm drunk at beerfest. I would like you to ask G$ how many times on average he jerks off each week?
G$: What I do in the privacy of my own office bathroom stall is my business. More than zero...way less than hourly

 Ace: How emasculated are you on a daily basis with a daughter, wife, and a beagle that gets picked on by other neighborhood toughs?
G$: Jesus Christ...this is obvz from Ide because only a childless shit-dick would think that baby gender actually matters. I'm not of 17th century British nobility so having an heir matters little. So to answer the stupid ass question, I feel fully masculine.

 Ace: You eat steak medium well like a spade. Iceman prefers fanta. So, who is the bigger asshole when they walk into a Denny's; you or Iceman? (I was fucking dying when I first saw this question, well done)
G$: Iceman lives in Florida so we might have to go to Shoney's. I've eaten at Denny's once in the last 20+ years and it was 6 hours after visiting Prime. I ordered a burger that was 90% grease and I didn't eat it. But I also did not send it back because I was afraid what would come out next. Ice treats servers like filth so definitely he would be the bigger ass while I constantly apologize.

 Ace: AMA for G$: Be real. How many times have you used that flesh light?
G$: You have to admit that it was a baller move to win the DFL and make Dut buy me a sex toy trophy. I don't have the exact number in my head but it isn't more than five times. It is more for show these days. But yeah, you shouldn't ever ask to touch it.

 Ace: If you could bro out w/ any athlete, who would it be and why?
G$: Gronk. Easy. You are guaranteed getting laid by multiple skanks and will get shithouse drunk. I kept it in my race because I have no clue how I would handle going clubbing with black guys.

Ace: What songs would be included in a "faves of G$" playlist?
G$: I'm starting to get into Band of Horses as The Funeral is such an ELITE song. My iTunes account is packed with Big Tymers, Eminem, Pearl Jam, Tony Bataska songs for some reason but they do get better with each listen, and I'm down with Vance Joy. For my money, and I know that Iceman will agree, Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog is the greatest song of all time.

Ace: Favorite and least favorite commenter?
G$: Favorite is Prime simply because it was this site that reconnected us after 20 years. It's cool when the Internet works in a positive way. Least favorite are those that quit. May their shit names never be spoken again.
Ace: That's a fucking copout response. Who is ur least favorite commenter
G$: Fine. Least is Cakes who just disappeared without even giving a sad excuse.

Ace: What was the ultimate deciding factor in shutting it down?
G$: You have no idea how much the garbage fucking trash NFL season hurt my soul. This was BAD. When you add in ohio Buckeyes winning as well, that did not help. Basically, I lost my passion for the craft (not Aaron Craft though because he is a faggot)

G$: By the way, original Coors is a rock solid cheap beer.
Ace: The banquet beer is white trash toilet water.

Ace: What's the best beer you've ever had?
G$: I am no snob on this but I've always loved a big ass stein of Spaten.

Ace: Are you sending me coordinates to a cock party?
G$: I don't think I am.
Ace: This was sent from you:

 G$: I was unaware of this...I like our relationship where it is.

Ace: What's better, life without kids or with it better?
G$: That's a good question. You're definitely more busy with one in tow. Sometimes I miss my lazy ass weekends and nights out with the bros but I love having a kid. I don't expect the childless to understand this sentiment.

Ace: 2nd question from Drew: If you had to have sexual relations with one commenter or else your beautiful spawn would be shipped to Syria, who would it be?
G$: I want to go with a guy who has been there before and would be discreet. So spread dem cheeks, Dut!

Ace: Marry, Fuck, Kill: RG3, Big Ben, Travis Prentice
G$: Kill Ben that's easy. Marry Prentice. And I've been saying it a lot this year anyway but fuck RG3.

Ace: Your top 5 porn stars ever.
G$: 1. Jenna Jameson and the rest in no particular order are Gianna Michaels, Brooklyn Chase, Briana Banks, and pre-BBW Carmella Bing edges out Amy Reid and Tera Patrick
Ace: *Googles Brooklyn Chase* She's well equipped.

Ace: If you could pick one job for the rest of your life, what would it be? And it has to be a job...not lotto stud.
G$: Lotto stud seems pretty sweet but I've always liked the looks of Ron Swanson's gig on Parks & Rec.  I think that he is the Parks Director.  You hire good people and do nothing yourself.  Plus, working for a city's Parks Department is enjoyable.  I know from experience, dude. Also: rock star would be badass

Ace: Pick 1: Cavs title, Redskins title or Miami winning BCS Bowl. The one you pick happens, but the others are guaranteed not to happen for another 25 years.
G$: You mean that if I don't pick the Redhawks to win a BCS Bowl then they won't for 25 years?  How horrible!  I want Dan Snyder to die ringless so I'm picking the Cavs just so I can hold it over all those losers up there that they are winners because of me
Ace: If it were Redhawks win a Natty you would pick that....right?
G$: Yes I would pick a national title obvz

Ace: Another user submitted question: Where is Cakes?
G$: That's what I want to know. I ain't gonna beg but we deserve an explanation

Ace: Hall Pass: You can bang one chick with She$'s blessing and no guilt. Who is it?
G$: Dolph Lundgren but if he's too busy with Iceman, put me down for Anne Hathaway.
Ace: That's the worst choice ever.

Ace: Why did you start the blog?
Ace: Don't make me go all whiny Bobby Costas on you.
G$: Well, I need something for the finale, god dammit

Ace: How did you come up with The Money Shot as the name? What was the second choice for blog name?
G$: The name was part of a poll I conducted in the early days.  TMS won while The Mustache Ride finished second.  To be honest, I was pulling for the latter.  Maybe 10 people voted so it was way more successful than a non-presidential general election.

Ace: What's your favorite Stube story?
G$: Stube memory - Every once in a while back in the not-married days, I would work the door.  Burke used to bartend on Sundays so if it was a three day weekend, I would check IDs for him.  Checking IDs is pretty boring so I used to fuck with people and accuse them of having fakes to see what they would do.  One douche did not care for this move (it was a pretty obvious "I'm just fucking with you vibe") and told me to go fuck myself.  So I frisbee flung his ID out into the middle of the parking lot and told him to never come back.  It felt great.
Ace: That's fantastic.
G$: By the way, the Stube Door gig came with 40 bucks at the end of the night and all the beer/shots that I could drink.  It was a GREAT job but probably not what Kempton wanted his door guy to do.  Fuck him and the Seahawks.

Ace: What was the apex of The Money Shot? Like was there a time period where page views were really up and you thought you or TMS could go big time?
G$: Apex...I used to put together a lot of list posts before Buzzfeed killed lists forever that would get linked at a lot of the big boy sites.  But the problem with the internet is that now days everything that you think of, someone has already done better.  Five years ago, that wasn't necessarily the case.  I think that my Sweatiest Coaches in College Hoops is the all-time traffic leader with something like 40K hits in one day...The part about where I envisioned the site to go is going to be a part of Wednesday.

Ace: What 3 posts would you say were your finest work? Or are you covering that tomorrow too.
G$: My God, you are asking me to pick three favorites out of 9+ years?  This truly is a hard-hitting GayMA!  The hardest one that I ever wrote was the day after my dog got hit by a car.  That one was tough.  Back when commenters getting married was fast and furious, I always enjoyed the pre-wedding day advice posts.  And I think that my favorite post here was when I ran Denard through Gruden's FFCA segment.  Also: The BRAHs 4 Life.

Ace: A late commenter question: Ask him what he plans to do to fill the void of ego inflation from internet trolls?
G$: That's a thing that I am concerned about.  I am the Slumlord of Baltic Avenue here.  Once the slum closes tomorrow, then what?  I pretty much only have one goal left anyway and that is to get TBone fired from The Fan.

Ace: How about what was your favorite post of mine and Ice? Or at least the one that sticks out above the rest of Icemans cock jokes?
G$: Will you ever live down May The Forcier Be With You?  I think not.  It was not your best effort but no one will ever forget it.  I always enjoyed Iceman and I's mock drafts and, without him going to the Friday's on Airport Hwy every night, we would have never met the Harbaugh Boys as who they really are.
Ace: I need to go back and read that post. Tater really fucked me there. Also, I actually own a shirt that says "May the Forcier be With You".

Ace: Top 3 Big Tymers songs?
G$: 1. #1 Stunna 2. Rocky 3. Big Ballin...not a big fan of Still Fly for some reason.

Ace: Why does everybody hate Dut?
G$: He's a weasel that openly brags about groomed stubble

Ace: As I'm in the middle of cooking a feast right now, What is the best meal you could make?
G$: I work well with pork and I'm good with seasoning.  Put me down for a grilled Cajun chop with bacon and cheese rotini as a side.  I make that shit from scratch.  Roux brah!
Ace: Impressive.

Ace: What do you really think happened to Cakes? My theory is he went into mourning after Ice left for Florida and couldn't take having Internet TAEKS with him and not being able to touch his face.
G$: Probably something simple like he's too dumb and felt inadequate around such brilliant takesmiths

Ace: Are you afraid of Mrs Ward? I am.
G$: Nah she married a turd sandwich.

Ace: Why aren't you protecting your dog?
G$: I wish I knew. Someone remind me in the comments to bring closure to that story. I come off like a stud.
Ace: I have my doubts.

Ace: Any sage advice for me as I am 5 months away from fatherhood?
G$: Honestly, it's easier than you think. I am NOT saying that it's easy but I built it up in head as worse than a lifetime hourly convo with Jeff but it's not. Keep a level head. Shit is going to happen. Also, do not seek to watch your kid come out. You don't want that.
Ace: I decided long ago that I would not move below the waist when it was time. No man needs to see that.

Ace: Would you ever move back to Naptown?
G$: I highly doubt it. I've long grown out of my fondness of small town America. And I don't need the in laws showing up unannounced.

Ace: Who do you predict will show up for Ribfest?
G$: The usuals will be there. Dut won't. I'm calling two Sauls and Lacey to bring one of not both of his bro in laws

Ace: Do you ever get tired of being called a ginger/lacking a soul?
G$: Someone get this n-word an urban dictionary.  One of the many kids he left behind might have one.
Ace: I'll take that as a yes.

Ace: What's your favorite app on your phone, other than PROBOARDS.
G$: My least favorite is espn. Twitter is the best. I was so wrong about it.

Ace: What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
G$: I work out.  Get it over with before my ladies get home and I need to focus on being a mediocre husband and father

Ace: What sports team do you hate the most, other than the Redskins?
G$: Dallas Cowboys

Ace: How many times can you wear dress pants before washing them? Not being able to wear sweatpants to work is really throwing me off.
G$: Twice on the pants. Jeans can go weeks
Ace: That's fucking absurd. I'm wearing dress pants at least 6 times before they get washed, or drycleaned, right IDE?

Ace: How many people have touched your b-hole?
G$: *Crickets*

Ace: I think we've hit on just about everything. Anything else you would like to add?
G$: Nah. I'm good.
Ace: It was my pleasure allowing you to pleasure me in this interview
G$: Word.

And there you have it folks. The last ever AMA...or is it?

Monday, February 02, 2015

The Worst of Super Bowl 49 Vol.VIII

Bye, Money Shot!
For being the final Super Bowl that I "cover" here, it sure did not disappoint for drama.  I would say that it was one of the best ever until you realize that the Patriots won and fuck them so whatever.  There should not be any sort of asterisk attached (unless you are trolling and, in that case, asterisk your ass off).  The better team might not have won but the healthiest did and that makes sense.  Let's talk about the game itself. 

The Wolf of Wall Street - I finally watched this movie over the weekend and while the tits and drugs and language were quite incredible and Jonah Hill's buck teeth were LOL, I couldn't help thinking that this movie was the exact same as Boiler Room only twice as long.  If I'm going to watch a movie about shady stock brokers, I'm going to need Businessman Vin Diesel dammit.  Good movie but should have never been nominated for an Oscar IMO.

Bob Costas - I watched some of the never-ending pregame show and the former Newsradio guest star (beat up Joe Rogan!) was whining because the Commish stood him up for an interview.  He probably has a point though.  Shouldn't the head of the league talk to the network broadcasting the biggest game?  Fuck Goodell.  Someone should have murdered him after he tried to big time my girl, Rachel Nichols, last week.

Not Dude Perfect - I had no idea who these guys were before yesterday.  Are they legit?  Because they are sick as all get out if that trick shot group is legit.

Tom Izzo - I watched the second half and overtime of the WE ON/WE ON State game yesterday and while laughing at regular WE ON for having three players worth a shit, I couldn't help but notice that Sparty leads the nation in really light-skinned black guys.  They've got at least four.  It was unsettling to me.  WE ON sucks.

Jeremy Lane - Did you see the picture of his arm snapping in half?  NASTY.  He pulled a Grumpy!

Who the fuck is that guy? - That Chris Matthews cat has some skills.  I would ask "where did they find that guy" but Al and Chris told us where 40 times and also called him Hardball every chance they could.  I thought I heard that the Browns (who were mentioned a few times during the game for some reason) cut Hardball.  Makes sense.  Got to clear a spot for Nate Burleson!

Nationwide - Uh, sweet commercial about drowning children, bruh.  Way to represent Columbus with that interesting advertisement.  I don't have coverage through you but I would appreciate it if you did not kill my kid.  Thanks!  Also, Budweiser mocking craft beer was hilarious.  Hilarious because they don't want you to buy better beer.  I don't care about commercials though.  I'm a winner.

Not Julian Edelman - As annoying and cliche as it is to say, this is just a bro that you want on your team.  He makes winning plays.  Period.  He might not be the MVP, but he was easily runner-up.  In FACT, he and Vereen were everything that loser ass LaFell and Blount were supposed to be.

Lenny Kravitz - The Halftime Show was solid even though Lenny was pointless and Missy Elliott sucks.  Katy killed it as expected because Katy is ELITE. I also want to draw a line in the sand here:  PRINCE SUCKS.  FUCK PRINCE.  The internet and 40 somethings love him but gritty champions like myself realize that he's only good for Chapelle Show re-enactments and nothing else.  All of his songs are terrible.  All of them.  Come at me, bro.

Tarrold Simon...maybe? - The Patriots kept picking on Lane's replacement but why the hell were they leaving him on an island anyway?  That was dumb as fuck.

Brady Haters - He is the best QB of all time. He was before last night.  He still is. He always will be.  This is not up for debate.  Can he be a douche and a cry baby?  Of course he can but Tom Brady is the ultimate winner in football.  FACT.

Russell Wilson - I didn't think that he played well at all outside of a few deep balls and they REALLY LUCKY completion to Kearse at the end.  He should have definitely audibled to a Lynch run.  That was dumb as fuck. Yes, it was a stupid play call by Darrell Bevell but Dubs can change it.  He failed.  That is on him.  You have Marshawn fucking Lynch--a human tank--in the backfield with one timeout left.  RUN THE GODDAMN BALL.

Doug Baldwin - Finally, this is when everything changed.  We all had a good laugh at the "Poopdown", his touchdown celebration where he mimed shitting out a football but the game changed as soon as that happened.  I believe it little momentum shifters such as this.  When you fucking suck as Baldwin does, you can not do that.  Richard Sherman can.  Doug Baldwin can not.

So the Patriots win their fourth title and their very horrible fans get to celebrate.  Maybe they'll inherit the superior Champions Lane?  Someone needs to use it.  By the way, JSAUL nailed NE and the OVER so he wins the contest going an impressive 15-7.  I owe you ribs on 3/21.  As for gambling, I would have made a TON had Lynch been given the ball at the end.  Oh well.  Time for me to switch things up and watch Downton Abbey.  FUCK ALL TEAMS THAT WON FOOTBALL TITLES THIS YEAR.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Our Final Super Bowl Prediction Post

Enough with the tears and memories...there will be more time for that later.  Let's talk about the biggest sporting event on the planet before we flat-line.  I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog’s creation. This is the 9th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. I can't remember if the system is 6-2 or 5-2 so we'll just assume that we are 6-2. It picked Denver last year even though I kept saying throughout that I hated that pick (and bet against it).  I expect to continue our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no real feel on this game at all. I can’t look at either team and say “yes, this is why they will definitely win” as I have been able to do in the past. This is a tough game to handicap. The line opened at SEA -2.5 but has gone bonkers and has settled on New England -1 with an O/U of 47.5.
Remember, RIBS are on the line (and we have a new leader):

13-7: JSaul
12-8: G$, Drew, Ide, Iceman
10-10: Buke, Andrew B
9-11: Lacey, Seal, Jeff
8-12: Mr. Ace
7-13: embarrassment
Lover of getting pegged: -Rex

It's a five stud race to the finish.  The tie-breaker will be Gronk receiving yards using Price is Right rules (because as we all know, in football, LOW MAN WINS).  Let's fire up the Predictifier one last time:

QB - Tom Brady is possibly the best QB to ever live so he is definitely ELITE.  Rusty Dubs is well on his way there at this pace.  However, rumors are swirling on Twitter that he definitely had a concussion against GB (TOTES OBVZ) and is still dealing with headaches now.  Also, Brady bangs Gisele while Rusty is nailing Snowphat (left and a man) and is probably gayer than Michael Sam.  NE +4

RB - Lynch is the goddamn best.  Treating the media like the filth that they are and celebrating with dick grabs and candy is just amazing.  Blount is a piece of shit and deserves nothing but bad things.  SEA +5

WR/TE - You really have to give Seattle a ton of credit for doing what they've done the last two years with absolutely zero decent wide receivers.  Doug Baldwin is terrible.  The Patriots have the three best pass catchers in this game (if not more).  I haven't done any prop research yet but I will probably go over on Brandon LaFell's total yards.  Have a feeling that he's going to have a big role.  Gronk gets extra points for A Gronking To Remember.  NE +6

OL - The Seahawks have a guy named JR Sweezy which is the least white name a white man has ever had.  As you remember, the Pats had #77 Nate Solder score a receiving touchdown last game.  We favor #77's making the score sheet here.  NE +3

DL - When you start a guy from Bowling Green, you are inferior always.  Michael Bennett (the DL, not the horrible RB from Wisconsin from about a decade ago) wore a hilarious cowboy hat to Media Day.  Props to that.  SEA +2

LB - I really like both Bobby Wagner and Jason Collins or whatever his name is.  Malcolm Smith is still there I think and he won the SB MVP last year somehow.  Circle gets the square. SEA +2

DB - There is no doubt that Richard Sherman and Revis are the two best CBs in the league (Peterson is third and Justin Gilbert is last).  Chancellor and Thomas are badasses and I can't wait to watch them deal with Gronk.  I think that Patrick Chung sucks though and Brandon Browner is the most OVERRATED CB in the game.  Dude holds on every route.  SEA +3

K/P - Still have not forgiven Belichick for getting rid of ZOLTAN.  Gostkowski and Hauschka are both incredible kickers (takes one to know one).  SEA wins the points though because Jon Ryan is a touchdown throwing machine and trolled Big Gay Aaron Rodgers after he did it.  Respeck, BRAH! SEA +2

Return Game - A bald idiot once constantly mouth-queefed that "SPECIAL TEAMS WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS" and it has to be true with these two squads.  I mean, each team features a white punt returner.  That is huge.  PUSH DUE TO EQUAL GRIT

Coach - I am not much of a Pete Carroll fan but at least he doesn't cheat.  However, McDaniels is killing it with formations and schemes and that could be a deciding FACTor.  That leads me to ask the question: Is Josh McDaniels a FACTorback?  NE +3

City - Would I rather spend a weekend in Seattle or Boston?  LOL!  I'll take mountains over fall foliage every day.  SEA +4

Fans - Who do I hate more: SeaHulk and the 12th Man (blatant rip-off of Texas A&M by the way) or Tommy From Quincy and people of that ilk.  Maybe I'm growing soft over the years but I find the 12th Man to be way more nauseating.  Probably because you can shut up any Pats fan by mentioning that they can't be ELI.  Also, I'm a fan of Li'l Poopson.  NE +2

Celeb Fans - I can forgive Seattle for embracing Macklemore because they have Johnny Karate on their side.  Bostonians can go to the Hell of Hell forever.  SEA +5

Organization - Bob Kraft killed his wife instead of just divorcing so that he could fuck models.  And now he wants an apology from the NFL even though he and Goodell play tummy-sticks on the reg.  I feel like the Seahawks owner is the Microsoft guy or the Starbucks guy or Boeing or some such thing that I've used plenty of times.  SEA +3

Against The Spread - Seattle was 11-7 against the number this year while the Patriots were 10-8.  The team that makes people the most money gets the point.  SEA +1

Add it all up and The Predictifer has...

Seattle goes back-to-back with a 27-18 (SEA Under) victory in Super Bowl 49 at Burke's House.  It's pretty simple: who wins the middle of the field when New England has the ball?  I like those safeties more than Gronk and Edelman.  Put me down for Gronk with 77 yards because that is the best number.

It should be a great game.  All week, I was thinking New England but The Predictifier brought up a lot of great points.  I believe in sports karma and thus there is no chance in Detroit that the Patriots deserve to hoist a trophy Sunday night.  Then again, this has been a God awful year for the NFL so what better way to cap it off than by having the cheaters win.  As for my slovenly ways, I have decided on making a taco pizza (sheet style) and I very much looking forward to making that.  I don't know who I am rooting for (probably will be Seattle) but I know that I am definitely on Team Katy Perry.  See you Monday.  Enjoy the Super Bowl.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Last of the Great Apes

"Jesus, two weeks of this? I never thought I would miss G$. Ace is absolutely obsessed with male genitalia and rectums" - Grumpy
"G$ licks oreos too....Jeter's taint. This blog was fucking garbage" - Drew
"If G$ has time to comment, why can't he just write the damn post? Better effort today Mr. Ace. You are no G$, but you're growing on me." - Grumpy
"Burn In Hell Jim Johnson!" - Anon
"Did you steal the copy from Sportscenter and post it here? I'm ready for the first post from a real blogger. I miss the G man." - Grumpy
"Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are much more interesting topics." - Damman
"alright, nice blog run by fucking 5-year olds who delete people's posts... This site went in the shitter this week G$. Might be worse than jbeanie." - Seal
"Good stuff, ace. You're right about the gingervitis though. G$s legs haven't seen the sun since the eagles last won a superbowl." - Dut
"Mr. Ace is hitting his stride. Funny shit. Who need G$?" - Grumpy
"It seems nobody has actually met G$. Have you ever seen he and Clay Aiken in the same room?" - Grumpy
"I'm sitting in the airport now still thinking about how annoying our freaking dj was." - G$
"By the way, the first card that we opened on Sunday morning was from Li'l Strut. The first thing I remember reading was "strap-on" and I announced that that card was not to be read." - G$
"Yesterday you just made yourself look stupid. Picking the Eagles to go 14-2 means you're either taking drugs or forgot to take your drugs. Why would G$ leave a moron in charge?" - Grump
"come on damman, i wanna see you back up our browns before i shoot this ignorant asshole. 
i fucking hate the steelers, but you cant say they arent that good.
grumpy is right, you obviously dont know dick." - Seal

Back in the summer of 2009 you all hated me...and Ioved every minute of it. But then, I dropped this gem, and I became a fan favorite.
"That was fucking AWESOME! Why did you wait a week to get out your best material?" - Grumpy
"Good shit Ace! Best description of GMoney ever!" - Seal
"All of your blogs have sucked balls up until this one...that was great. I do hope G$ is back next week though, as I know you can't do better." - Drew
"Ace this may be your best post ever. I'm a little pissed that Sean didn't say anything about me." - Dut
"Ha, I read it at work and had to keep my hand over my mouth to cover up the fact that I was laughing/not working. Great stuff!" - LS
"Fucking hillarious, although I didn't need the image of GMoney on his wedding night." - Burgei

...and the ACEterview was born.

It was a rough start here for Mr. Ace as a contributor. The Money Shot wasn't ready for a new voice, especially one that was relentless with the punchlines and immature dick/pussy jokes. I don't blame you guys, change can be tough. G$ had been doing his thing for awhile at that point and the idea of somebody stepping in, even for just two weeks, probably was a real jolt do your daily media intake. But we made it through it. I've grown, you've grown...we've grown.

When things come to an end I always think about legacy. What is my legacy at The Money Shot? Obviously the porn post stands out first and foremost. That thing was undeniably legendary. The "May The Forcier Be With You" post probably isn't too far behind for most of you. But I hope that I brought more than that.

It was 364 days ago that I started my comeback. I just got the itch and it seemed like G$ would be open to only blogging 3 days a week. I wanted to do things a little differently when I came back. I wanted to be a little more personal, give some perspectives that people might not get to see, and open up some conversations on topics that typically didn't get much play at The Money Shot. Religion, politics, education, Big Tymers, dogs, boob are the things that really matter. We all love sports, but we have strong opinions on a lot of different things. I tried to bring that aspect to The Money Shot and I think I did. And I also dropped some topnotch #Facts on you bitches. I'm trying to say I'm basically Anderson fucking Cooper without the cocksucking.

About the same time I came back to contributing here I decided to clean up the ol' Toolshed, and changed into Ace Takes. I never had any real plans of opening it back up. I knew that I would need multiple contributors because I didn't and don't have any interest in creating more than two posts a week. But it's something that I always kept in the back of my head just in case.

But I think G$'s right. It's time for a change. A shift in direction where we can all contribute will be a good thing. No matter how many DickGIF's Drew can throw at us. At the very least it will be interesting seeing Grumpy trying to figure out a new app.

And as G$ said, my last appearance here will by on Tuesday when I do an AMA with our fearless ginger leader. I'd like all commenters to get a chance to ask one question of their own, so if you have something you want to ask then either DM me on Twitter, @itsmracebrah, or shoot me an email at Happy Fucking Thursday.

 This was almost a rap post. The new Lupe, Joey BadA$$ and Fabolous are fire. That's all.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Perfect Storm Is Upon Us

If you missed yesterday's big news, Iceman has officially retired from the blogging world and is riding off into the sunset with the title of World's Least ELITE College Football Reporter.  He gave me a whopping 18 hour notice about this by the way.  I hold nothing against him though because he did what we asked of him and delivered and received shit for a long time.  We wish him well.  Knowing that he lives in Florida, he's going to need all the help that he can get.

So what happens now?  Who is working Tuesdays?  Am I hiring?  Making Ape work double shifts?  Well, it's complicated.

I have decided to shut down The Money Shot.  Whoa.  That is an emotional sentence for me to type.  The final post here will be posted one week from today on 2/4.  You probably want to know why and that is a perfectly cromulent question to ask.  As I mentioned in the title, it was sort of a perfect storm of circumstances leading to this decision.

*Much like Iceman, internally I said that I would only keep doing this if it wasn't a drag.  For awhile now, it has been a drag.  I HATE Sundays knowing that I have to write something for Monday morning.
*You don't know this but on Monday, we reached ONE MILLION page views.  Now, that isn't any sort of accomplishment considering that we've been open for nine years but that number was also a landmark that, once reached, would lead toward me looking at the finish line.
*Life is different for me now.  I have more important priorities as do most of us.  It's not that the writing itself is time consuming, but the preparation for posts is exhausting.  It feels like half of my day revolves on what I can write about and how the post needs to flow and it takes its toll.
*While Iceman vacating his day wasn't the deciding factor, I said that I would never go back to writing four days a week.  I also have a strange feeling that Mr. Ace wasn't going to be far behind in leaving.
*I'm empty on life stories.
*After receiving his notice, I just sat in my office and thought to myself "it's not that I can't keep doing this, it's that I don't want to do this anymore".  And once you start thinking like that, it's time to walk away.
*It feels like the right time.

I told She$ about this decision while I was watching Brock Lesnar be all sorts of awesome on Raw (like usual) and her reply was "I'd rather you quit watching pro wrestling than quit your blog".  NEVER!  Don't tell me my business, devil woman!  I thought that she would be more pumped about this.  She can go to Hell.

Anyway, I've decided on one more week before we close the doors.  I'm not going to do an elaborate retirement tour or anything but I feel like we do need a little more time for closure.  HOWEVAH, don't assume that I am leaving you high and dry and sticking you with all work, all the time.  I do have an exit strategy that I think can help everyone who enjoys the daily banter here and wants it to continue.  I am currently looking into free message boards throughout the interwebs that can keep the ELITE trash talk and #IdeLies going while allowing everyone to provide content (not just the three of us).  Some positives for this are:

-24/7 commenting...anything typed after 4 here probably doesn't get read but that isn't an issue on a board--you no longer have to wait until Tuesday morning to talk about Ohio Buckeyes!
-NO FIREWALL ISSUES, DUT...I plan on keeping it simple so your employer should not have a problem
-Better security...a new site means no footprints left behind that Google could pick up on (AKA your name)
-AN IPHONE APP...the current leader in the clubhouse for our board has an app that you can download for easier commenting while taking a shit!

The only negative though is that isn't the same as we have had for almost a decade now.  I'm not the biggest fan of change so this will take some getting used to but I think it is the best way to stick together.  Twitter (@GMoneyELITE) was an option but it's hard to develop molten hot takes in 140 characters and waking up to find that you have 40 mentions isn't a lot of fun.  I compare our situation to graduating high school.  Sure, we could all go our separate ways and move on but I would like you all to move in to this bitching new house that I plan on taking over so the party can continue.  I mean, seriously, do you really want to work that hard?  I will have details on this new endeavor next Wednesday as I plan on spending a good chunk of the next week working on the next chapter of our internet lives.

So there you go guys.  It is officially the beginning of the end.  Tomorrow will be Ape's last trip through the jungle, Friday and Monday will be reserved for the Super Bowl (as was planned), Tuesday Mr. Ace has invited me into his den of savage dogs for a GayMA (sorry, Lacey, you were fired from being NEXT MAN UP), and in 7 days we board up the windows and write ABANDONED on this little corner of the internet.  I GUARANSHEED that I start crying when I write that final post because I AM A REAL MAN.

I will say it again next week but thank you all for what you have done here over the years whether you are a frequent commenter, infrequent poster, or just an avid lurker.  This was not an easy decision but I feel like it is the right decision.  As I said above, this is by no means "goodbye", more like a "smell ya later".  I hate you and love you all but definitely more toward the hate so DEAL WITH IT, BRAH!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A Legend Retires Today.

My departing gift to you all.

Today is the day.  A day that will always be remembered much like the attack on Pearl Harbor, JKF's assassination, the Olson twins 18th birthday, Paris Hilton's sex tape release date and The Fappening.  A day most of you have been waiting for since September 5th, 2011.  Today I officially resign my Tuesday post at the MoneyShot.  Don't all rush out and get me a retirement gift at once.

As much as all of you begged and pleaded G$ to fire me, know that this was 100% my choice and your demands always fell on deaf ears.  Because all of you are dumb assholes.  I've actually been thinking about this move for awhile now.  Back when I obliterated the competition and ran away with this job, I promised myself that the minute doing this felt like work I would hang up my keyboard and walk away in my prime on my terms.  That day has come.  I'm just not into writing posts as I used to be.  So for my last post here at the greatest corner of the Internet world, I will share my fondest memory of each commenter.

Dut - Giving you AIDS in the Jolly St. Prick post is the foundation of my legacy.  It'll be hard to knock that out of the top 5 best things every written here and will most likely make my Hall of Fame speech.

Nibbles - How much your wife hates Ide.  Real, true, passionate hate.

MUDawgFan - For the longest time I thought you and MUfan were the same person.  Still kinda do.  My favorite part about you is how you get so mad when I blast your teams even though deep down you kinda agree with everything I say about them.

MUfan - Gonna need that stalker story, bruh.  No matter how embarrassing it may be.

Burke - Go get me a fucking sandwich.  No onion.  And step on it or your tip will suffer.

Damman - Making everyone buy into the fact that you only fuck fat chicks was a thing of beauty.  Hopefully that legend will never die.

Seal - Your blind rage taught me that it's wise to always keep my blood pressure in check.  Whenever I get frustrated with something I just take a couple deep breaths and say, "Don't be Seal.  Don't be Seal.".  Also, I realized that all Kentucky inbreds aren't complete weirdos the night I blacked out with you at that random bar in Dublin after RibFest.

Cakes - The evolution of Cakes and FUCK YOU CAKES were about the only worthwhile things that came from your comments.  And you probably won't even read this because you randomly vanished like a fart in the wind.

Lacey - You made me despise Notre Dame more than I ever thought possible.  Opened up hate doors I never knew existed after that bitch fest about a perfectly legit offensive PI call.

Jeff - You will go down as my last official COTY nomination.  That's something you can and SHOULD put on your resume.

Prime - You gave me Chip Kelly interviews.  I don't think I need to elaborate.  You were also a valuable asset in the longest post in the history of this site.  The Music Mock Draft - 90's Edition.

Ide - I will forever regret the day we met.  It still haunts me some nights.  But #IdeLies will be something I use forever.  And paying for ribs from NYC was a pretty baller move even though you bitched out on the zombie run because your pussy had the sniffles.

Grumpy - If not for your misplaced Steeler bravado and betting with your white trash Appalachia heart, RibFest would have never been a thing.  When you die in a few months from being 200 years old, I will make sure the tombstone properly represents your greatest life's work.  RibFest.  And not once did I ever clean the fucking attic.

Ace - You set the bar so incredibly low here with shit like May The Forcier Be With You, it was impossible for me to fail.  And where would this website be without your porn post?  Almost non existent, IMO.

And finally, G$ - The father of this site and the mind numbing ELITE debate.  Born and bred from your wide ginger hips and massive birth canal.  You gave me this thankless job 3 years ago for zero dollars.  Suck Eli Manning's pecker.  It was a great 3 year run and I'm grateful I had the chance to piss people off at an alarming rate.  Now go sucker someone else into this terrible job.

So what is my fondest memory of myself, you ask??  ELITE question.  After all these years I would say that my fondest memory of myself would be everything.  But if I had to narrow it down and pick a Mona Lisa...that would have to be the creation of the BRAHs.  That is what I'm most proud of.  As far as the void I've left that will, no doubt, be impossible to fill...use today to express interest/apply for the job you'll never do as well as I did.  For my final thoughts on my final post at the end of a first ballot Hall of Fame blogging career, I will leave you with my campaign slogan that won this election by a landslide back in 2011.  "Gmoney/Iceman 2012.  We're gonna titty fuck the world!"  You're God damn right we did.