Friday, August 01, 2014

Guest Post (Now I Know Why We Never Do These)


Slow...a truce offering today. Some morning fapping material for you.



WUZZZZZZZZZZZ UP MOTHERFUCKERS?!?!?
COY up in this bitch on this Friday morning.  Since G$ is busy trying to get on Maury to see if he actually is the Father and Iceman is too busy finding his and her Jorts in Gainesville, the critical importance of getting the Friday edition of this blog out to you was left in the hands of yours truly….and why wouldn’t it be since COY means best and Friday is the best day of the work week.
So, I’m sure you all think we’re about to discuss the Tigers winning another AL Central over the Windians or the Buckeyes about to start another year of being better than Michigan at football.  But, that’s exactly what we are NOT going to discuss today.  Today’s conversation will have nothing to do with sports.  Why is that?  For the same reason that food posts are almost always some of the best days here.  That reason is because we actually learn new stuff about each other.  We all know our opinions on sports by now…but, on food days we learn there are people that exist that want their steaks well done….or who has a vagina in their mouth instead of taste buds.  These days give us new ammo for each other and also new ideas.

So, today I’m going to give 5 questions that everyone needs to answer.  There might be some guidelines with each question.

# 1 – Have you ever stolen anything and what was it? The first thing I ever stole was an Ohio State snow cap from a street vendor on Champions Lane my Freshman year while shitfaced before the Michigan game. It was cold as hell and I did not have a hat. I also still steal bags of ice when buying them for tailgating purposes. If I come into your gas station and pay you for four bags of ice…when I leave that gas station and grab them you better believe that I’m taking 8…..deal with it.

#2 – Do you remember your dreams and have you ever had a wet dream? Dreams fascinate me….and I truly feel bad for those that do not remember them.  I have wild dreams almost every single night. Just last night I had a dream that 60 Minutes did a feature on Deshaun “Buckets” Thomas and he was dating an extremely popular female rapper.  While that wasn’t as wild as many by any means, it did provide me with some chuckles when I woke from it.  I absolutely love my dreams, but the Holy Grail of dreams I have still not achieved….the wet dream. While I would like to blame this on too much sexual activity at an early age….it was definitely due to too much self sexual activity.  I’ve thought about taking a break from all activities for like two weeks to try and trigger this, but I just can’t do it.  I’m extremely jealous of all of you that have had this experience.

#3 – If you could have one job…and be a bad ass at it…what would it be?  No sports professions are allowed due to the vast majority of us that would pick that. This was a tough one for me. Quick thoughts like President of the U.S. came to mind…but, do you really want to be a huge liar to millions and have half the country despise you? No…because politics are dumb.  Being known as the best cancer doctor or something like that in the world would be pretty cool, but I’m not really in the business of saving Saudi Prince’s kids lives.  My choice…beinga member of something like Seal Team 6 (ironically enough).  I think it would be incredible to be a part of something like this. You are one of the biggest bad asses on the planet (which I’m almost the polar opposite of)…you kill pieces of shit…do incredibly secret missions that most often are never even known and that give wild rushes I’m sure….and you just hang out with other bad ass dudes all the time.  Being the next James Dean of porn was a close second.

#4 – How much would it take for you to put a sex tape of yourself and your significant other on www.xvideos.com ?  There is no guarantee anyone you know would ever see it…it would just be some random sex tape under an amateur title….your names are never involved. …and frankly I doubt anyone here is gonna be getting tons of hits. But, there is always a chance and if someone sees it you aren’t convincing them it isn’t you.  You’re also never questioned by anyone as to where your money came from. If you don’t have a significant other…take a guess.
I’m going with $750K.  I have a feeling this will be on the low end….but, I’m an adult and nobody in my family is going to disown me over such a thing…and I don’t have much shame.  So, I think I’d deal with it fine. If somehow work found out about it…that would suck…but, hopefully would not result in loss of a job. If it did…I have $750K in cash to fall back on. Also remember….THEY would be the ones that were on the site and found you.

#5 – What is an everyday thing that is normal to everyone, but you can’t really explain how it works? I’m terrible at these things as I’m nowhere near anything like a handy-man and don’t care to learn how things work.  I honestly could not tell someone how electricity works.  I would have a much easier time explaining the internet, satellites, etc.  But, if some jungle man arrived and wanted to know how I turned on a light…I’d say something like “Well, there is a plant that supplies electricity…it has cables that go into this place…and when I flip the switch the light goes on”…but, I would not be able to explain how the plant “makes” the electricity….and that is pretty embarrassing.  Sewer pipelines also blow my mind. That's it people...hopefully, we get some good answers...and remember...you're all my bitches.

--COY

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Strong Takes From Around The Shield

Looks eerily similar to The Hoyer Destroyer IMO
As mentioned yesterday, my life is likely worlds different today.  This post was written two days ago once Ape was officially placed on administrative leave and I realized that something/anything had to go up today.  Let's take a tour around NFL Training Camps to see what is going on and you better believe that we will be stopping in Berea.

Emmanuel Sanders says that Peyton Manning is a better leader than Big Ben - O RLY?  This is about as "breaking news" as someone saying that they support the troops.  Way to step out on a ledge there, Colonel Sanders.  Peyton is a better QB.  Period.  Comma.  But is he actually a better leader?  That might be a little more debatable.  I will point to my trusty Rings Index and it says here that Big Ben has 2 while Peyton has 1 and a shitload of chokes.  Sure, Peyton puts himself in the position to win a ring every year but that usually only leads to consistent failure.  I'm not saying that Ben is a better leader than Peyton here but I suppose I am saying that the RedHawks are better than Rocky Top.  This paragraph should get Iceman's blood beyond boiling.  Two is better than one though.

Marshawn Lynch is holding out - Well this is just stupid.  They already have made it known that they are going to more of a platoon due to the toll that Lynch has taken on his candy-fueled body which means that he isn't really part of the team's future plans.  So his way around that is to rack up fines.  I wouldn't pay him.  Running backs aren't worth big bucks.  With all of the Seahawks that should be getting pay raises, Lynch isn't one of them.  Sorry, bruh, get your ass to camp but not so fast that you run over fat chicks.

The Ray Rice situation is still a disgrace - It's bad enough that Goodell gave him only two games for beating the piss out of his girlfriend--on camera--because she asked the NFL nicely not to ruin the career and reputation of a women puncher.  But then sending some guy named Adolpho onto Mike and Mike to DEFEND the ruling just pisses me off even more.  The NFL is getting awfully flamboyant and arrogant with how they treat the fans.  Years ago, they suspended Big Ben for rape allegations (not even any charges filed as you recall) for SIX games--reduced to four--for "embarrassing The Shield.  We all know what happened with Pryor and that made no sense.  Still nothing has happened to Jim Irsay or Greg Hardy (actually convicted!).  I'm not going to say that this is the beginning of the end of the NFL because it isn't but Goodell absolutely HAS to curb the thuggery in the league.  It is BAD.  And don't get me started on Ravens fans giving Rice a standing ovation.  I would expect nothing less from the people who loved Ray Lewis and ignored his murder.

Brian Hoyer reminds Joe Thomas of Tom Brady - Wait--WHAT?

"He's a lot like Tom Brady,'' Thomas said Monday

Wow.  Just wow.  I just don't understand this.  Are Browns fans the only people in America that don't know that Brian Hoyer is garbage?  I feel like everyone should already know this.  Granted, he was the starting QB in the world famous Jimmy Haslam cackle game, but this guy (ahem) COULDN'T BEAT OUT BRANDON WEEDEN FOR THE STARTING JOB.  And now we've got people calling him Little Tommy Terrific.  Insane.

Speaking of Browns QBs... - Seriously, why did they even draft Johnny Manziel?  It's amazing to me how the team keeps leaking stories to the press in order to curb Manziel's partying because they clearly have no control over him and maybe the media and fans can help rein him in.  Why did you trade back up into the first round to take him if you had no idea what the experience was going to entail?  Why are you talking mad shit about him anonymously to Mary Kay Cabot?  It almost feels like they are trying to get Johnny to quit and they don't want him around anymore.  HE IS THE STARTER AND FACE OF THE FRANCHISE.  STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.  Good to see Josh Gordon at camp though!

That will do it for me filling in for Mr. Ace today.  I tried not to be a pompous cocksucker because that is his schtick.  I don't want to infringe on any copyrights.  Dad OUT!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Today is THE DAY

Sup BRAH!  CHA BRAH!
By the time that any of you roll away from Big Jim and get out of bed this morning, I will already be at Ohio Buckeyes Hospital preparing for the birth of my heir and future Queen of America. She$ is scheduled to be induced at the ELITE time of 5 AM--2 days past our original due date. She is ready for this to be over. So am I.

At some point today (hopefully...I am not known for my patience), little Jetera LeBron Sean Taylor Carry The Flag #MACtion Hawks Pizza & Drive Thru Money will be brought into this world and my life will never be the same. I mean, it probably will, I'll just be more tired all the time.

This should be an anxiety-filled and scary day for the legend. They say that the average labor time for your first kid is something like 12-16 hours. ON AVERAGE. I told the wife that she gets two hours before I go back home. I also have a ton of ELITE jokes to unload during the day that should have all of the medical people there in stitches. It's a damn shame that I won't get to use this one though as it is pure gold:

"She$'s contractions just started but I'm not going to take her to the hospital until she uses two in the same sentence"

That's just a little pregnancy/English class humor for you right there that will go wasted. In other Money Shot contributor news...

As we all know, Iceman has made the big move to Gainesville this week. Sorry, Florida. Also, Mr. Ace emailed me the other night saying that all of the issues that went down with his dad within the last week or two did not work and more procedures/surgery will be required. That stinks and we all wish Big Ace the best. Ace has asked to go on a temporary hiatus from his Thursday posts until things can get back to normal in his life and that is an easy request to grant. Take all the time you need. Let's hope that we can get him back in time to deliver shitty football gambling advice.

We probably should have spaced out our life-changing events a little bit better but whatever. I'd bet good money that Iceman wasn't expecting that his cross-country move would be rendered inconsequential by the two of us this week! I plan on having something up tomorrow but I have no idea what it will be and I've asked Iceman to write something for Friday but he doesn't have the worldwide web in his new digs yet (maybe) so who knows.

This baby better be white...LET'S DO THIS!  I'm gonna crank Master Of Puppets in the Delivery Room so everyone can stay hype.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Now Batting For The Iceman...CHIP KELLY!!!

If you've been wondering what Chip Kelly's been up to, then today is your lucky day! When Iceman contacted me to sub today, I figured catching up with the Chip-a-nator would the perfect way to use my day here at this internet cesspool. For those that have forgotten, I have the inside track with Chip because I was once the official Cal Football beat writer/commenter for The Money Shot. We hit it off during a Cal/Oregon post-game press conference and what ensued was eerily similar to "Training Day," with Chipper playing the role of Det. Alonzo Harris. "This is not an option, n***a. If you do not smoke this we have a problem." Indeed...

Without further procrastination, here's the star of today's show:

---

What is up twat-cicles?! Did you miss me? OF COURSE YOU DID! Between Snow Guy's NBA posts, Mr. Monkey's stories of molesting at-risk youths, and G$'s insecurity in regards to his food posts (LULZ at Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup being underrated- I eat that at least twice a day!) you've been thirsting for an update from the most dominating force in the NFL... ME, MOTHERFUCKAS! Prime is a very brown stain on a pair of dirty murder panties and couldn't do this shit without me. Go fuck yourself, Prime, you lazy-ass dead foreskin. You are so lucky you met me.

Let's start this off with a quick NFC East preview: SPOILER ALERT- The Eagles will sweep the division and ride the momentum into the playoffs where we will easily win the Super Bowl. Why? Well, a number of reasons:

Our QB is significantly upgraded. Nick Foles is white as fuck and has golden locks of hair that are only second to John Heder. Having a responsible Caucasian leader throwing TD's constantly is way better than a ghetto-assfuck that mistreats dogs. Fun fact: the last straw with Mike Vick was when we found out that he was still abusing his dogs. Get this- he only treated his dogs with SEASONAL heart-worm medication! Can you believe that human herpe? What a dickface who obviously knows nothing of basic dog care.

Our WR slot is upgraded also. Commentor Jeff should drop that rapey other Pennsylvania team and jump on this bandwagon now! I would also say Grumpy should join the bandwagon, but his bleeding-heart liberal ways do not jive with the Philadelphia Eagles (read as: he's not racist enough.) Less DeSean Jackson and more Riley Cooper? How do I even get away with this? One of our team building exercises in camp will be burning crosses in the dorm courtyard while listening to Hall & Oates. With any luck, we will get a noise violation! Are you convinced yet, Jeff?

How will our defense be? WHO GIVES A FLYING SPREAD EAGLE FUCK?! No one. It's all about the offense. The models I fuck on the reg don't dig defense.

Lady McCoy is an ashy little fella that I will run into the ground. If I could Bud Kilmer him to make sure Napoleon Dynamite gets more TD passes, I would. Wait- I'm the goddamn Tony Soprano of the Eagles. I can do that. Do not draft McCoy on your fantasy team. I'm going to LULZ at his lack of TDs.

Tight End Zach Ertz is catching balls to the face. Constantly. He loves it.

The Eagles will obviously dominate. I mean, I'm their titty-fucking coach for Chip's sake! But here are some other fun facts about the NFC East. RG3 is super mega gay. His knee ligaments are made of graphite pencil lead but his penis is hard as granite for dudes. Jerry Jones called me to take over the 'Boys. I told him I don't swing that way and to call Bobby Griffin because he loves boys and cock. Eli Manning still sleeps with his childhood blankey loves it when his mom "makes the bad men fly!" Pretty sure he breastfeeds at halftime of all games.

With no further convincing needed about the Eagles straight up murdering the NFC East, let's talk about you fucks. True, I hate this blog. Howevah, I do keep up with it just to rip on you every 18-months or so.

Ide is the worst. If he ever tells you he hung out with me, Paul Pierce, Pauly Shore, or Neil Diamond- immediately call him out for his IdeLies. The only celeb that would even consider hanging out with Ide is that gash singer from Train, and that is only because Ide will blow him. I heard the song "Drops of Jupiter" was inspired by Ide's love of nude black men in locker rooms.

Seal, stop holding back your anger! Let it shine, bro. Inbred Kentucky fans are SUPPOSED to be angry. Do not deny yourself your birth-rite.

Since I said Ide was the worst, I can't take it back while talking about Cakes, but he and John Manzier should hold hands and get swept into a tornado together. One tornado, two dildos. As efficient as me fucking Lane Kiffin's wife- which still happens. OFTEN.

Damman still fucks fat chicks and that is still OK with me! Damman is the STANFORD FOOTBALL of slaying big girls!

Ape, you are a diehard Eagles fan, and I loathe you with the fire of 1,000 grills cooking all beef sirloin patties on Ide's roof. You are a disgrace to Eagles fans, child advocates, and dog lovers alike. When this is all over, you and Mike Vick should get an apartment together.

Larry is somewhat new to the group, but it seems like his wife sure does wear the pants in the family based on her sexually arousing dress-down of Ape regarding heart-worm meds. I remember when I wore Lane Kiffin's wife's panties and raw-dogged her anus for 3.5 hours. What does that have to do with Larry? Not much, but it was an ELITE time!

Iceman is moving on down to the F.L.A., huh? Well, try to do better than these folks. I do not want to have to read about you stealing Wheelz' The View chair and joy-riding naked into a marsh while drunk on Rumplemintz, then getting eaten by a crocodile. Wait a tick- I absolutely want to read about that! Get after it, Florida boy!

Drooler, you sad sick bastard. I'm surprised you ever get out from under sniffing Urban Meyer's scrote to comment here daily. Does the regular season matter or not matter? For you, I hope it matters because your teams seem to fall embarrassingly flat when it really counts. Ohio did pretty well last year, up until that pesky B1G Championship game where Sparty exposed them for being frauds. Justin Verlander has his face to far into another girl's boobies that I motorboat from time to time, to pitch well. And I KNOW how clutch the Wings come up when your ability to comment here was on the line. Your need to always be right is to attempt to compensate for a microscopic wiener. GIVE IT A REST!

And G$- I don't know if SheMoney's kid will be here by the time this is published, but enjoy raising MY CHILD. That's right, BRAH! Ol' Chipper snowballed himself, then spit it back out to impregnate yo' wife (just like Cakes!)! I even made sure my semen was "girl-producing-only" so that you'd get to raise a daughter that will remind you of me every single day for the rest of your life. Congrats, sucka!!!

And that's Prime's time today. What a rotten tampon that needed me do all of his work for him. Have a shitty Tuesday, fuck-faces! Enjoy watching the MOTHERFUCKING EAGLES this year!

Monday, July 28, 2014

25 For 25: Ranking The Best MLB Player of the Last 25 Years

I have no idea what is going on here but Matt Stairs being surrounded by cats is ELITE as fuck.
Sweet!  A new, recurring topic here!  Over the weekend, MLB inducted their most recent class to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.  This HOF and their voters catch a lot of grief and scorn for being stupid and nonsensical most of the time however this year they nailed it.  This is an incredible class.  Not a dirty needle to be found anywhere! 

Since my kid didn't come out this past weekend (at least at the time of this writing), I decided to take on a massive research project of compiling a list of the 25 Best MLB Players of the last 25 years.  It wasn't easy.  Just kidding.  It kind of was.  I used PECOTA and WAR and VORP to properly slot these greats.  But not BABIP.  Fuck BABIP.  Again, just kidding.  Here were my guidelines:

-Personal bias was huge
-Steroids were considered but only to break ties
-Since we start this in 1989, we didn't factor in guys who were in their twilight at that time.  Yes, guys like Michael Jack Schmidt are ELITE, but he wasn't in his prime then.  And since he went to Ohio U, fuck him.
-When in doubt, just assume personal bias was used
-If you think that Omar Vizquel is going to show up LOL!  Same thing with Verlander.  If Ryne Sandberg, Cal Ripken (most OVERRATED player ever), and Ozzie Smith aren't on the list then your favorite turd isn't going to make it either.

Without further Apu, the 25 Best MLB Players of the Last 25 Years...FYI, I plan on doing this at a later date for the NFL and NBA and perhaps college football and basketball, too.

25. Albert Belle - A career cut short by insanity and Degeneration-X hip issues shouldn't take away from how terrifying of a hitter and human being he was.  Do NOT throw eggs at his house.
24. Chipper Jones - Larry is a Hall of Famer when it comes to producing bastards
23. David Ortiz - YOU TOOK STEROIDS.  STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DIDN'T.  IT'S OK.

22. Wade Boggs - His sky-drinking skills are the stuff of legend
21. Sammy Sosa - He's soooooooooooo real.  Baseball was berry, berry good to heeeeem.

20. Roberto Alomar - He may have been ranked a little higher had he not spit in John Hirschbeck's face with his AIDS-spit.
19. Felix Hernandez
18. Ivan Rodriguez
17. Mike Piazza - Pudge and Piazza are both incredibly underrated.  Pudge has the giant statue of himself in his yard while Piazza is rumored to be a homosexual.  Nice.
16. Clayton Kershaw - The highest ranking pitcher that is still playing.  He's fantastic.  He has been for a while now and he will continue to be.  He's not a thrower like Verlander.  He's actually great and not a clown fraud.

15. Roger Clemens - A 7 time Cy Young winner at 15?  Yeah, I don't know where to properly rank him.  If it wasn't painfully obvious that he was on the juice, I would likely have him in the top 5 but whatever.
14. Ichiro Suzuki - This guy is absolutely amazing.
13. Alex Rodriguez - Oh boy.  Here is another guy that I didn't know what to do with so I just gave him his number.  Happy birthday yesterday, Centaur!  By the way, have you seen Funny or Die's parody to the Re2pect commercial, "F13CK YOU"?  Delightful!
12. Tony Gwynn - Baseball needs more husky black guys
11. Manny Ramirez - Definitely nuts but undeniably great.  His years in LA were tremendous.  See you in LA, Go Dodgers!  Also, the Dodgers are Uncle T's favorite team.  That's huge...like the bulge in his salmon shorts.  Count it.

10. Greg Maddux - Did you see what he looks like now?  Yikes.
9. Randy Johnson - How LULZ was his tenure in New York!
8. Miguel Cabrera - Don't you dare call me a hater.  I show respect.
7. Albert Pujols - He looks to be back this season to being the slugger that he was in STL. 
6. Frank Thomas

5. Derek Jeter - YEAH JEETS is going to retire a 5 time champion (or six!) and 6th all-time in hits.  People that call him OVERRATED are the biggest losers on the planet. 
4. Mariano Rivera - It's not that he's just the best closer ever, it is that he is arguably the most dominant pitcher to ever live.  He's at least in the discussion.
3. Ken Griffey, Jr. - It's a damn shame that he was always hurt with the Reds.  Just kidding...fuck the Reds.  Junior's 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie will forever be one of the crown jewels of my card collection.
2. Pedro Martinez - Without question, in-his-prime Pedro was the one pitcher that you knew your team was not going to beat.  That ASG in Boston that he started where he stuck out all 6 of the batters he faced was unreal.
1. Barry Bonds - I don't care.  He's the best baseball player of my lifetime.  Did any of these other guys appear on an episode of 90210? I think not.  It is a shame that Bonds is such an asshole because he should be in Cooperstown even if there is an asterisk on his plaque.  Bonds should be going into the Hall before Pete Rose.  FACT.

There you have it.  I spent more time on this than I would like to admit.  It was really hard for me to not have a top 5 that was some variation of Jeter, Rivera, David Cone, Danny Tartabull, and Shane Spencer but I persevered.  Challenge my authority today if you would like.  I'll let you know if or when I'm off to the hospital.  Iceman is out tomorrow but an old friend is filling in to let us know what he's been up to instead.  YAY NO ICEMAN!!!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Finally A Festival For ME!

It's about fucking time.
You know how Ide likes to pop off about how jealous of him we must be since he lives in Brooklyn?  It is always annoying and yet another #IdeLie.  I don't want to live in New York.  I never have.  No one is jealous of you for doing exactly what 10 million other loudmouth jerk-offs have decided to do.  And you know what?  It's painfully OBVZ that you envy all of US who still call central Ohio home.  Why?  See above.

The STRAIGHT WHITE GUY FESTIVAL!!!  What took us straight white men so long to craft an event solely for us?  These flyers have started popping up around town over the last few days and who the hell knows if it is actually a real thing but I definitely WANT it to be real.  We deserve it!

Let's break down the advertisement:
*FREE ADDMISSION - We're not off to a good start but, then again, it's about telling not spelling
*EVERYONE WELCOME - Ugh, no, this is clearly for straight white guys only
*COME HELP US CELABRATE OUR ENJOYMENT OF BEING STRAIGHT WHITE AND MALE - A great cause but still might want to consider a trip through the spell-check/add some commas
*BEER AVAILABLE - Now we're talking
*PLEASE NO BYOB - That sounds like a suggestion and not a rule to me!
*PLEASE NO ILLEGAL DRUGS - Have you already forgotten your audience?  This isn't Heritage Weekend.
*FEATURING OPEN STAGE FIRST COME FIRST PLAY - Oh no.  This could derail the entire event if some grubby asshole gets up there playing the acoustic guitar.  Fucking call up Total Recall and fly them in.  There is nothing more "straight white male" than 90's cover songs.

Let's be honest, there is no way that I'm going to go to this even if it is a real thing.  I'm not one that "does things" but I am intrigued.  The point of today's post besides "this is the best idea ever" is to come up with events that would actually take place at a "Straight White Guy Festival" at Goodale Park.

I'll go first.  GUARANSHEED there is at least 20 craft beer stands set up.  There are few things as white and straight as the lust for the perfect IPA.  There would probably also be some sort of MMA event going on, too, because straight white guys LOVE MMA.  There will probably be a golf pro there giving out swing tips, too!  Let's have fun with this and feel free to get as casually racist as you want.  After all, July is White History Month.

Baby Money is due on Monday.  I can't possibly imagine that happening at this point but we'll see.  It should be an interesting week.  Time to CELABRATE!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Futures of Football

welp

Quick update on Big Ace: He's began to curse more and more everyday at his nurses and Dr.'s, which is a great sign. Like I said, my dad tends to turn 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares and this one was no exception. There were two days where everything was going wrong; low blood pressure, retaining fluids, needing oxygen, and a mention of heart failure. Then the next day he got some tiny Vietnamese lady as his nurse and she totally fucking owned him for 12 hours straight. Wouldn't let him lay in bed, constantly made him use the breathing machine, and making him walk the floor with a walker. That lady is a saint. So he's on the mend and thinks he should have went home yesterday...but will probably be going home Saturday.

I just got back into Columbus yesterday so I'm not gonna go too crazy with today's post. I spent a lot of time sitting in the hospital scrolling through Twitter the past week. The NFL is beginning to pick up steam on my timeline and that can only mean one thing; IT'S GAMBLING TIME! I think I'm going to go for broke this year and just become a professional gambler. Because fuck a 9-5, I'm trying to live like I'm slangin crack rock or got a wicked jump shot. So here are some future plays that I will be putting my money on. (I am using Bookmaker for all these odds) Here is a link for all the odds.

First lets look at some Over/Unders:
Bills 6.5- I have seen the Bills getting some love as a sleeper pick to be a wildcard team in the AFC. I'm not seeing it. They need another year to get better, and another year for the Pats to get older. UNDER

Bengals 9- I see Dalton crumbling under all this pressure in a contract year. I think everybody in that division will be better this year as well. UNDER

Cowboys 8- LOLZ. UNDER

Eagles 9- I expect big things this year. OVER

Redskins 7.5- The NFC East is going to be bad this year outside of the Eagles. The Redskins' offense should be near ELITE. OVER

Division Winners: Now this isn't about just picking out winners. We're looking for value here.
AFC South: Colts -150. I know I just got done talking about value, but this is just about as big of a lock as there is. That division is bad. The Colts are good.

NFC East: This is the Eagles division IMO, but I can see the Skins surprising some people. I absolutely do not see the Cowboys or Giants doing anything. So I'd take the Eagles +132(3 units) and the Redskins +364(1 unit). So lets say I bet $300 to win $396 on the Eagles and $100 to win $364 on the Redskins. Looks like a guaranteed win to me.

NFC West: Arizona Cardinals +853. VALUE! This division is tough from top to bottom. Arizona was 10-6 and lost at least 3 games by 3 points or less. Again, I know the division is tough, but I feel like this team can make a jump.

Conference Winners:
AFC: Broncos +184, Colts +934, and Jets +3021.
Yes, betting on the Jets is a bit crazy, but I'll take 30/1 odds on a defense that is going to be Top 5 in the NFL. And the Broncos are the current favorites to win the Super Bowl, so I think almost 2/1 to win the conference is a good price.

NFC: 49ers +420, Packers +600, and Panthers +1950.
No, I didn't forget something, I don't like the Eagles at +1350. The NFC East is horrible, not the entire NFC. I do think the Seahawks fall back a bit, if only because I don't think the universe will smile upon Pete Carroll two years in a row. And HarBRAH always has his team playing well at the end of the regular season. And Cammy Cam potentially blowing up is worth 20/1.

Super Bowl:
The only team that I see value in from the AFC is the Colts +2487. I don't think the Super Bowl winner is coming out of the AFC so I'm not taking low odds for the Patriots or the Colts. The Packers +1150 and 49ers +744.

So if you're scoring from home you will see that I'd be a YUGE fan of a Colts vs Packers/49ers Super Bowl...and I don't see that as too much of a long shot.

Here are my predictions for the comments:
G$ is shocked by my Skins love, still loves RG3 cock.
Grump predicts Big Ben MVP and Steelers Super Bowl, still loves to eat pussy.
Cakes places all his money on the Browns...Iceman loses his shit.
Drew thinks the Lions are a great value, forgets who coaches his team.
Prime thinks Cutty will pull it off this year...and he fucking better because he has no excuses anymore.
Ide has google searched the pros of charcoal grilling and will be pissed nobody cares.

And I'm Out.