|Johnny Foreskin IMO|
Roger Goodell - Well, that was certainly a horrible press conference on Friday afternoon. Good job trying to bury that heading into the weekend but you done fucked your shit up so bad that that was wishful thinking. This just keeps getting worse and worse. The ONLY way that this goes away is if Rog quits and he says that he won't so this isn't going to end any time soon. Strap yourselves in for more shit.
Howard Stern - Way to send one of your cronies in to that press conference to drop some negative LOLZ. You aren't relevant anymore, Howie. YOU are the pig vomit.
Josh McCown - Goodell should have apologized for putting Tampa Bay on in prime-time. Who would have ever guessed that McCown's 2013 season was a total fluke other than everyone ever???
Terry Bradshaw - Look, son, you don't need your son-in-law to have a great pregame show! But seriously, RIP Robby Bironas, you ended up on one my fantasy teams every year since 1972. I love you forever bubba.
Danny Woodhead - In what is ten times worse than whatever Ray Rice did, Woodhead needing the cart almost immediately after the game started was heart breaking. I love the Chargers. That team is legit. Not legit = Buffalo. Good job getting the team to stay but your QB stinks.
Robert Quinn - I know that this cat is good but is he really worth 66 million over 4 years??? That seems like a lot. Does he also play QB. The Rams are hot dogshit. That is one awful team. They get less results than the Ferguson PD. Topical!
Ryan Fitzpatrick - Did you know that he graduated from Harvard? It's nice to see Arian Foster already being a bitch. Who the fuck is Alfred Blue and congrats to all those tards that added him! I'm sure that he was a real factorback. The Texans started the season with WAS, @OAK, and @NYG...that is really fucking easy.
Drew Brees - What the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the Breesus Days of Yore? He is simply pedestrian now. I do not care for this. I'll blame Sean Payton. Also, the Vikings suck pig balls.
Not South Park- Oh baby, the season premiere on Wednesday night deals with Dan Snyder and his love of Native Americans. That should be ELITE.
The Bengals IMO - I look pretty stupid for thinking that they would underachieve this season. They look incredible through three weeks. Andy Dalton is catching touchdown passes. Jeremy Hill hasn't sexually assaulted anyone. It's crazy. Hell, even Mike Brown is being a human being with feelings by treating Devon Still like his son. The Bengals in 2014 are a model franchise. Was not expecting to ever admit that.
Johnny Football - HA! THEY TRIED TO RUN "SIDELINE PLAY"!!! WE RAN THAT SHIT TO PERFECTION IN MIDDLE SCHOOL! There is nothing more Mickey Mouse than Sideline Play.
Joe Haden and Justin Gilbert and Slick Willie Cundiff - Those are your goats, folks! What a hilarious home loss that was. Just a complete choke which can be expected when you go against Big Joe ELITE. Those "shutdown cornerbacks" are more like shitdown corners. Serpentini should fire Haden.
Cakes - STOP IT. Can we make a deal amongst our community of assholes? You can't tweet more than 5 times during your team's games. You aren't a beat reporter. No one is reading your thoughts other than people who barely tolerate you. Make a few funny quips and watch the fucking game. I don't need to read about the "buzz at the stadium". How the fuck do you know this? A fucking tool once queefed, GIVE IT A REST, and it applies to everyone socially.
Stephen Tulloch - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!
Aaron Rodgers and Used To Be More Fat Stafford - Hey jerks, that was supposed to be a shootout. For fuck's sake, the Lions Defense outscored Green Bay. The Packers stink. They could easily be 0-3 and probably should be if the Jets weren't stupid.
Andrew Luck - STOP THROWING THE BALL TO AHMAD BRADSHAW. Christ, Wayne and Hilton have a combined zero scores this year and Mr. IR has 3 receiving touchdowns. Knock that shit off. Goddamn Cakes guy.
Non-Pollacks - You probably saw that every point scored in the dreadful OAK/NE game was by a guy with the suffix -owski. That's dumb. It might be time to take Tom Brady out back and put a bullet between his eyes. Dude looks a LOT like "final year Dan Marino" and that is not a compliment.
Jim HarBRAH - Yeah, he's already mentally in Ann Arbor. That's the worst kept secret at this site. Since he can't beat Drew Stanton in the pros LOL, maybe he can stomp on his alma mater instead? Colin Kaepernick looks terrible, too. I should also mention that Larry Fitzgerald is a corpse.
Miami Dolphins - They blow. They should be trying to get into the Jameis derby. He would fit in well down there. He could take Richie Incognito's old locker.
Peyton Manning - Yeah, the comeback was quite ELITE but he was so bad for the first three and a half quarters. SO BAD. That arm STREMPH was Pennington-esque. What I'm trying to say here is that Eli beat a rugged 2-0 team yesterday while Outlaw Country choked again. FACT. In all honesty though, the Broncos D looked pretty good or the Seahawks just assumed that 17 points would be enough. It almost was. The funny thing is that Seattle knows that Denver can not beat them.
DeAngelo Hall - The 2012 Best Player in the NFL said that he tore his Achilles yesterday. God speed, you stud.
Brandon Merriweather - My God, he was fucking abysmal. Every garbage fluke touchdown that piece of shit Foles threw was a result of The Concussion King getting roasted and toasted. BM are very fitting initials.
That was fun though - Man, those two teams HATE each other. I like that. I like DeSean getting some amount of revenge. I like Eagles fans booing for reasons that they will never be able to explain. I mean, seriously, it wasn't HIS decision to leave. I LOVED Chris Baker fucking murdering Foles on that interception that wasn't. Why the fuck is that a penalty anyway? He was five yards away from a DB trying to score. It looked to me like he was interested in making a tackle. So he should pay the punishment for not having his head on a swivel. I liked Jason Peters throwing a punch back. And the game was great. Cousins and Foles just going back and forth. Those teams looked pretty equal to me. The Eagles are just a little cleaner with the fundamentals. That's fine. The Skins--with Cousins--look like a playoff contender to me. We'll see what they do Thursday when ELITE Manning comes to DC.
FANTASY! - Looks like a 2-2 week for this guy. How I'm 2-1 in the LFL is a mystery but I'll take it. Goddamn, Adrian Peterson has thrown a wrench into a lot of my fantasy plans this year. We're relying on hard work and grit in 2014 and I wouldn't want it any other way. Fuck you, Cakes and Ide. Go tweet black dick pics to each other. I'm sure that your collections are massive anyway.
That will do it for me today. I started this on Saturday evening because I am a stud with an amazing social calendar and Iceman was already plugging away with tomorrow's FUCK YOU HOKE post. I didn't read it but I assume that it will be a doozy. Stay tuned, bruh.