Friday, July 25, 2014

Finally A Festival For ME!

It's about fucking time.
You know how Ide likes to pop off about how jealous of him we must be since he lives in Brooklyn?  It is always annoying and yet another #IdeLie.  I don't want to live in New York.  I never have.  No one is jealous of you for doing exactly what 10 million other loudmouth jerk-offs have decided to do.  And you know what?  It's painfully OBVZ that you envy all of US who still call central Ohio home.  Why?  See above.

The STRAIGHT WHITE GUY FESTIVAL!!!  What took us straight white men so long to craft an event solely for us?  These flyers have started popping up around town over the last few days and who the hell knows if it is actually a real thing but I definitely WANT it to be real.  We deserve it!

Let's break down the advertisement:
*FREE ADDMISSION - We're not off to a good start but, then again, it's about telling not spelling
*EVERYONE WELCOME - Ugh, no, this is clearly for straight white guys only
*COME HELP US CELABRATE OUR ENJOYMENT OF BEING STRAIGHT WHITE AND MALE - A great cause but still might want to consider a trip through the spell-check/add some commas
*BEER AVAILABLE - Now we're talking
*PLEASE NO BYOB - That sounds like a suggestion and not a rule to me!
*PLEASE NO ILLEGAL DRUGS - Have you already forgotten your audience?  This isn't Heritage Weekend.
*FEATURING OPEN STAGE FIRST COME FIRST PLAY - Oh no.  This could derail the entire event if some grubby asshole gets up there playing the acoustic guitar.  Fucking call up Total Recall and fly them in.  There is nothing more "straight white male" than 90's cover songs.

Let's be honest, there is no way that I'm going to go to this even if it is a real thing.  I'm not one that "does things" but I am intrigued.  The point of today's post besides "this is the best idea ever" is to come up with events that would actually take place at a "Straight White Guy Festival" at Goodale Park.

I'll go first.  GUARANSHEED there is at least 20 craft beer stands set up.  There are few things as white and straight as the lust for the perfect IPA.  There would probably also be some sort of MMA event going on, too, because straight white guys LOVE MMA.  There will probably be a golf pro there giving out swing tips, too!  Let's have fun with this and feel free to get as casually racist as you want.  After all, July is White History Month.

Baby Money is due on Monday.  I can't possibly imagine that happening at this point but we'll see.  It should be an interesting week.  Time to CELABRATE!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Futures of Football


Quick update on Big Ace: He's began to curse more and more everyday at his nurses and Dr.'s, which is a great sign. Like I said, my dad tends to turn 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares and this one was no exception. There were two days where everything was going wrong; low blood pressure, retaining fluids, needing oxygen, and a mention of heart failure. Then the next day he got some tiny Vietnamese lady as his nurse and she totally fucking owned him for 12 hours straight. Wouldn't let him lay in bed, constantly made him use the breathing machine, and making him walk the floor with a walker. That lady is a saint. So he's on the mend and thinks he should have went home yesterday...but will probably be going home Saturday.

I just got back into Columbus yesterday so I'm not gonna go too crazy with today's post. I spent a lot of time sitting in the hospital scrolling through Twitter the past week. The NFL is beginning to pick up steam on my timeline and that can only mean one thing; IT'S GAMBLING TIME! I think I'm going to go for broke this year and just become a professional gambler. Because fuck a 9-5, I'm trying to live like I'm slangin crack rock or got a wicked jump shot. So here are some future plays that I will be putting my money on. (I am using Bookmaker for all these odds) Here is a link for all the odds.

First lets look at some Over/Unders:
Bills 6.5- I have seen the Bills getting some love as a sleeper pick to be a wildcard team in the AFC. I'm not seeing it. They need another year to get better, and another year for the Pats to get older. UNDER

Bengals 9- I see Dalton crumbling under all this pressure in a contract year. I think everybody in that division will be better this year as well. UNDER

Cowboys 8- LOLZ. UNDER

Eagles 9- I expect big things this year. OVER

Redskins 7.5- The NFC East is going to be bad this year outside of the Eagles. The Redskins' offense should be near ELITE. OVER

Division Winners: Now this isn't about just picking out winners. We're looking for value here.
AFC South: Colts -150. I know I just got done talking about value, but this is just about as big of a lock as there is. That division is bad. The Colts are good.

NFC East: This is the Eagles division IMO, but I can see the Skins surprising some people. I absolutely do not see the Cowboys or Giants doing anything. So I'd take the Eagles +132(3 units) and the Redskins +364(1 unit). So lets say I bet $300 to win $396 on the Eagles and $100 to win $364 on the Redskins. Looks like a guaranteed win to me.

NFC West: Arizona Cardinals +853. VALUE! This division is tough from top to bottom. Arizona was 10-6 and lost at least 3 games by 3 points or less. Again, I know the division is tough, but I feel like this team can make a jump.

Conference Winners:
AFC: Broncos +184, Colts +934, and Jets +3021.
Yes, betting on the Jets is a bit crazy, but I'll take 30/1 odds on a defense that is going to be Top 5 in the NFL. And the Broncos are the current favorites to win the Super Bowl, so I think almost 2/1 to win the conference is a good price.

NFC: 49ers +420, Packers +600, and Panthers +1950.
No, I didn't forget something, I don't like the Eagles at +1350. The NFC East is horrible, not the entire NFC. I do think the Seahawks fall back a bit, if only because I don't think the universe will smile upon Pete Carroll two years in a row. And HarBRAH always has his team playing well at the end of the regular season. And Cammy Cam potentially blowing up is worth 20/1.

Super Bowl:
The only team that I see value in from the AFC is the Colts +2487. I don't think the Super Bowl winner is coming out of the AFC so I'm not taking low odds for the Patriots or the Colts. The Packers +1150 and 49ers +744.

So if you're scoring from home you will see that I'd be a YUGE fan of a Colts vs Packers/49ers Super Bowl...and I don't see that as too much of a long shot.

Here are my predictions for the comments:
G$ is shocked by my Skins love, still loves RG3 cock.
Grump predicts Big Ben MVP and Steelers Super Bowl, still loves to eat pussy.
Cakes places all his money on the Browns...Iceman loses his shit.
Drew thinks the Lions are a great value, forgets who coaches his team.
Prime thinks Cutty will pull it off this year...and he fucking better because he has no excuses anymore.
Ide has google searched the pros of charcoal grilling and will be pissed nobody cares.

And I'm Out.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Open Forum: underrated Foods!

LOL Seal!  Too much lard at breakfast.
We spent a lot of time around here discussing things being OVERRATED.  It can be quite nauseating and repetitive.  But we rarely look at the opposite side of that spectrum.  No one seems to care about the underrated.  The underrated have grit!  Hell, OVERRATED thinks that it is so big and bad that it stole all of the caps.  underrated has to go lower case because it's shithead brother is such a glory adjective.  We can change that if for just today.  Let's focus on the underrated in a world ripe for commenting

As I mentally prepare myself to go on the defensive from cyber food bullies today, it is important to remember a few things about today's topic.
1. As long as you can say "this is way better than it gets credit for" then you are fine.  If you can say, "Kobe beef gets all the love but IMO pig dick is way better and packed with protein" then whatever.
2. There are no other rules. 

We're setting this up like a giant, underrated meal.  Deal with it.  MEAL WITH IT.

Appetizer - Hummus.  I am on a HUGE hummus kick at the moment because it is fantastic.  Since it is made out of chickpeas (primarily...I think) and I eat it with pretzels, why it must be really great for me!  Don't care.  I love it.  I picked up a thing of Sabra's "super spicy" this past weekend and it was weak as fuck.  Tasted fine but I expected molten diarrhea.  You lie, Sabra!

Soup - Tomato with Grilled Cheese.  No one ever looks forward to this but when it gets served, you change your tune.  If you don't like tomato soup then please move back to Iran.  In college, my buddy Cap decided to take years off of his life one day by eating as many grilled cheese sandwiches (with tomato soup for dipping) as he could.  He got to, I think, 9 and one bite of #10 before going to bed at noon and not being seen again for the next 24 hours.  A few years later, he would wipe Juan Negro's semen on his face.  Good times.

Palate Cleanser? - An All-Beef Hot Dog.  We can keep arguing forever as to what is and is not acceptable to put on a hot dog but the FACT remains that a hot dog is delicious.  You know those people who like to talk about how they are just pig sweepings and ground up raccoon pussies?  Fuck those people.  Just don't boil or microwave a hot dog.  Hot dogs are fantastic, easy to make, easy to eat on the go, and kids love them which means more chances to eat hot dogs.  Parenting is going to be easy!

Main Course - Pork Chops.  I feel like these are criminally underrated.  Watch any Food Network show and see if they even mention the pork chop.  They never do.  It is a simple cut of pig but packed with great flavor.  Plus, if there is a little ring of fat on it, it is like getting a free piece of bacon.  I would like to see the pork chop make a big comeback.

Vegetable - Cauliflower.  We will never have a Food Post based around vegetables.  You have my word, Mr. President--Jack Bauer

Side - Tater Tots.  Why aren't these more popular?  They are vastly superior to freedom fries IMO.  Awhile ago, I made chili cheese tater tots at the house and I'm pretty sure that they got the wife pregnant.

Dessert - Handful of Chocolate Chips.  I usually like to keep cookies or something in the pantry in case I have a sweet tooth at some point.  But there are times when I forgot and the only alternative is a bag of Nestle chocolate chips that may have been in there for at least two years.  You can never go wrong by dumping a nice chunk of that bag in your hand and then shoving them all in your mouth and chewing it like Tony Gwynn (no offense).  I am at my sexiest when I eat a handful of chocolate chips.

There you go.  Just a bunch of different foods that deserve more love for being great.  I'll tell you one thing: you give me a pork chop and tater tots all day long and you can stuff your duck confit in a sack, mister.  In conclusion, don't put ketchup on your hot dog.  Whoops.  Let's eat.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back To The Future

"I must go back and make sure Ide is never born!"

As you all know, I'm an unemployed piece of shit.  I love it.  Sitting around on my chubby ass all day and doing whatever the fuck I please is a glorious reality.  But I know that in a few short months this will all come crashing down so I'm soaking up every last bit of it.  I've been doing a lot of movie watching and a lot of Netflix.  A LOT.  I started Orange is the New Black and it's just okay.  Entertaining but just okay.  If nothing else tune in for the dyke scenes and several gratuitous tit shots.  They are bountiful.  Anyway, I rewatched Back to the Future the other week (a movie Wheelz has not seen.  WUT??) and started thinking.  If time travel really existed, where would I go?  I've always been intrigued by history and it was always one of those school subjects that didn't absolutely bore me to shitting myself.

Now this isn't a post to debate the merits of time travel and whether or not it could happen.  I'm sure there are people (Cakes and Ace) who think it's TOTES possible and others (Ide and G$) who will chortle at the idea.  For the sake of argument we're saying it can happen and you can only pick 3 destinations.  Here's where my flux capacitor is taking me.

3.  The Jurassic Period
One word.  Dinosaurs.  I don't give a shit who you are or how old you are.  Everyone loves dinosaurs.  If you say you don't you're telling #IdeLies and #G$Lies to yourself.  I'm not sure exactly how long I would want to stay but the chance to see a real dinosaur in person is something I would not be able to pass up.
What I would bring back: Dinosaur egg.  For sure.  I would find a way to preserve that bitch and bring back a T-Rex egg to keep forever.  I know there would be no way to authenticate it (maybe a archaeologist or dinosaur historian could) but I would know it's real and that's all that matters.

2.  Civil War Era
OBVZ I would want to be far, far away from all the battles and bloodshed but I couldn't pass up the chance to be in the same era as the most devastating war in American History.  Family members killing each other, slavery abolished, the Lincoln assassination.  So much history packed into a 4 year period.
What I would bring back:  One of Lincoln's top hats or tons of war artifacts from the Confederate Army.  Anything Confederate related from the Civil War is huge money in today's market and it's extremely rare to find anything authentic since the Union destroyed almost everything after the surrender.

1.  The 1920's
The 20's had it all, man.  The rise of organized crime, prohibition, the stock market crashing, the great depression, Babe Ruth.  I could spend years in places like New York, Chicago and LA during the 20's.  Plus it would be a great opportunity to thwart that whole Women's Rights movement mistake.
What I would bring back:  A bottle of Speakeasy hooch or something Al Capone related.  Bur not his syphilis.  I don't want his syphilis.

It goes without saying that I will definitely find a way to make myself Biff Tannen from alternate 1985 universe in Back the Future II rich.  Short one today, dick sucks.  This is my last week in BROhio and most of my time has been spent packing 34 years away.  When I'm not cracking out on Netflix, of course.  This Sunday Wheelz and I will fucking finally be making the move down to Florida.  So since we will be sans Internet for at least a few days, next Tuesday my duties will be handled by a commenter here whom has already been informed.  I told him to make sure it's NBA related because I know you all love my NBA posts.  That's my time today.  Can't wait to read all the Indians related events Cakes and Damman would time travel back to.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Another Round of "A-Hole of the Week"

Today is Guam Liberation Day and I would like to explain to you why it is important.
In what is turning out to be the most anticipated event of the year, She$ is due one week from today.  God, I just want this to be over.  I feel like Homer waiting on his background check before he could get his gun...waiting is the hardest part.  Anyway, my biggest concern right now is that I don't want the wife's water to break at home because that would fall on my shoulders to clean up and I really don't feel like mopping up amniotic fluid ever.  Let's break that shit at work and let the Ohio Buckeyes worry about it.  Most people would probably consider this a very asshole-ish mind frame.  And you are right!

But that just leads us to today's post which I do from time to time...Asshole of the Week!  We've got some damn fine nominees this time.

Chris Kluwe!  You may remember Kluwe as a mediocre punter for the Vikings but more than likely you know him as a trouble-making gay rights activist.  The Vikings cut him (he was a distraction AND he sucked...a really double threat!) so he decided to scorch the earth and burn every bridge leading back to the NFL by outing a ton of Vikings coaches as bigots.  Now he is suing the Vikes and going on massive Twitter rants about whatever.  All I know is that if you want to be outspoken, you better be prepared to deal with the consequences.  Clearly, he is not.  And another thing, if you are going to get up on your high horse and point fingers at a coach who wants to nuke all the faggots, you better not be telling Jerry Sandusky jokes yourself.  Sorry, Chris, you douche bag, but mocking gay people is way more tolerable than laughing at child rape.  Go fuck yourself.

Chris Broussard! When does ESPN just take this guy off the air already?  Enough is enough.  I believe it was Drew who said a few weeks ago that Broussard's only "sources" are his church group and that is probably true.  HE.  KNOWS.  NOTHING.  We got to spend all weekend hearing about these "Wiggins is now on the table" rumors while reporters way better than him have adamantly refuted that story.  In FACT, the last offer that the Cavs made was Tristan/Bennett/a first round pick which is a far cry from what Broussard would have you believe.  Chris Broussard is absolutely terrible at his job.  This can't be said enough.

The Houston Astros! I'm not sure how familiar all of you are with how the MLB Draft works but it is strange.  So they draft kids and then have a 5-6 week window to sign them.  Once that window closes, they lose all rights to that kid and he goes to college or wherever but NOT into the pros (this is a very weird system).  Houston had the first pick for the third year in a row and drafted HS LHP Brady Aiken #1.  High school pitchers never get drafted in the top 5, let alone first, so you know that this kid is bananas.  An 18 year old kid with a 97 mph heater and ELITE breaking pitches would fit that bill.  MLB picks are slotted financially so the money shouldn't really be an issue.  But Houston yanked their offer this week and cut the 6.5 million dollar signing bonus in half citing "elbow concerns".  First of all, did you not have these concerns 5 weeks ago?  Second, doctors can fix whatever might be wrong.  Third, WHY DID YOU DRAFT HIM THEN!!!  The clock ran out so Aiken is no longer Astros property.  Houston just punted the #1 overall pick.  That is AWFUL business and they are getting fileted by the media as they should.  Maybe they thought that they were about to pay Brady Cakesen?  I don't know.  Either way, this defines "epic fail".

Colby Lewis!  Read this and try not to SMDH while you are doing so.  This is embarrassing.  What a cocksucker.  HOW DARE HE TRY TO GET ON BASE.

People That Dislike Les Miles! Lester is turning an American treasure.  Every time that he meets with the media these days, it is pure gold.  Him talking about the World Cup at SEC Media Day was just the best.  How can anyone hate this guy?  I love Les Miles.

Harold Reynolds! During the All Star Game, She$ said "Who is this guy?  He is really annoying."  Of course she was referring to Reynolds who is rotten and should not be on TV.  Another big fuck you to Fox for not even mentioning Tony Gwynn.  How hard would it be to do an In Memoriam segment in between innings during the ASG?  That would be really cool IMO.  But back to Harold, I never thought that I would miss Tim McCarver yet here I am.

So who is the Asshole of the Week?  I'm giving it to Kluwe because someone who is an advocate for tolerance should be aware that there is going to be backlash to strong takes.  Plus, he appears to be pro Jerry Sandusky with his love for gays and disdain for child innocence.  Bold stance there.

Friday, July 18, 2014

You Can't Have The ESPYs and Not Have The IDESYs

Robbie Football is still better than Brady Quinn
If ESPN can make up their own award show that does not matter at all then why can't we do the same thing here (other than Commenter of the Year and Money Shot Man of the Year OBVZ)?  We get about the same web traffic anyway.  The ESPYs likes to celebrate all of the best and brightest of the past year in sports.  Yeah, that's great but we already know who won the titles.  What we really need is to determine who are the WORST.  Here, that question is easy because the answer is always "Ide".  And thus the IDESYs are born.  Maybe this becomes an annual thing.  Maybe these awards being annual is just another #IdeLie.  Either way, Paul Pierce is going to be there despite our lack of wheelchair ramps!

I figured that this awards show could also be hosted by Drake because Drake sucks and would fit in well with our award winners tonight.  Here is a fun FACT: I don't know anything about Drake the rapper.  I've never heard one song of his.  All I know is that he wants to blow EVERYONE in the sports world and is a Canadian.  Ironically, Money Shot Man of the Year Rob Ford is a Canadian and does everyone's blow.  Count it.  Wait a minute--maybe the Money Shot Man of the Year should always host the IDESYs?  That's a hell of an idea (Lou Brown voice).  Anyway, let's hand out some hardware.  Instead of a trophy, you get a regular brick.  It's what you deserve as the year's worst.

Worst NFL Player - Brandon Weeden - He's Dallas's problem now!
Worst MLB Player - Nick Swisher - It doesn't get much worse than an unproductive douche bro. CHA BRAH!
Worst NBA Player - Josh Smith - He's just a loser with a terrible basketball IQ.
Worst NHL Player - Alex Ovechkin - What the fuck happened to this guy? The only thing worse than his NHL play is his international success.

Worst Comeback Performance - Robert Griffin III - I'm a straight shooter. I've got to call a spade a spade no offense.  This was not a good year for RG3-13.

Worst Coach - Mike Brown - I will never, ever forget the game last year when the Cavs lost to the Lakers while LA had to play a guy who had already fouled out for the final four minutes and the Cavs still got beat handily.
Worst Assistant Coach - Luke "FagNasty" Fickell - He should be mopping jizz. People that defend this guy are lunatics.

Worst Fantasy Performance - The Iceman - In his own wedding program, he lists "Dominating Fantasy Football" as a hobby yet always finishes dead last. He did troll Ide by playing a Train song as the wedding party was leaving so that was pretty ELITE.
Worst Female Athlete - Lolo Jones - She made the Olympics in two sports! HOWEVAH, she sucked at both of them and may have been ripped in half by Suh's dong. Not a good year for America's favorite interracial "virgin".

Worst Breakthrough Performance - Andy Dalton - Bengals fans thought that he would make the leap last year. Instead, he jumped into the Rumpke landfill with one of his typical playoff stinkbombs.
Worst Record-Breaking Performance - Tiger Woods - He's been stuck on 14 majors for a coon's age. WIN SOMETHING AGAIN.

The Chris Benoit Coward Award - Daniel Snyder - He could be making a strong move by changing the Redskins team name and making America happy. Instead, he clings on to weirdo heritage claims and that the name is meant to honor and nothing makes sense. You really have to hand it to Dan regarding how delusional he is.

Worst Play of the Year - Jason Kidd's accidental spill - Kidd is a total shithead.
Worst Choke - Peyton Manning - Go figure. Sometimes it happens later than usual but Pey Pey always gags. To be clear, dude is not OVERRATED and he is ELITE, but those who call him the best of all time are straight up fucking wrong.

Worst Championship Performance - The US Men's National Team - 1-2-1! THIS WAS CONSIDERED A MONSTER SUCCESS! Look, people like to point and laugh and talk shit about the city of Cleveland and their 50 years of no titles and heartbreak. Well, Cleveland is the Boston Celtics compared to US Soccer. If pro sports was Henry County, the NFL would be Naptown and US Soccer would be Pleasant Bend. No one gives a shit and it is barely in the county. ELITE analogy.  No guff...that is an ELITE analogy.

Worst Team - 2013 Miami RedHawks Football - Oh yeah, baby! Don't Treadwell, on his way up to accept his award, punted 3 times. This team will go down in the history books as one of the worst to ever play any sport. The numbers back it up. I don't even know if I watched one second half play all season of this bunch. Truly inspirational in a God awful kind of way.

Worst Athlete - Landon Donovan - No one else really came close. He was the face of a shitty team that got cut from said shitty team and then shitty team went on to be just as shitty as usual. Donovan is not only shit but he is easily replaceable feces. That's impressive.

Thank you all for coming out tonight!  While some of these winners may be debated for ages, let's not forget what really matters here and that is that YOU ALL SUCK!  If you have been invited to an award show named after Brooklyn's biggest douche bag then you have failed miserably and need to make serious changes.  FUCK YOU, IDE.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Math: Please Excuse My Emo

Disclaimer: This is a rambling, wandering, personal, pointless, and selfish post. But there isn't anything else that I can possibly spend more than two minutes thinking about without my mind drifting back to the issue at hand. So I apologize in advance if this wasn't what you were hoping for today.

I get lost in my own head a lot. I can drive for hours by myself with the radio off and be perfectly content because I can just be there and go through every angle of every situation in life. And driving up the rocky coast of Maine, sun shining, waves crashing, and windows down with Mrs. Ace passed out in the passenger seat is the perfect storm for me to get completely lost in my mind. Vacations are good for this sort of thing.

As I mentioned briefly in the comments last week, I found out I would be the target of a Children's Services investigation...for NOT restraining a client who was NOT a threat to himself or anyone around him. And during these types of investigations your organization totally abandons you. No communication, internal investigation, no assistance while speaking with CS, and a steadily increasing distance between you and your supervisor. I can't go into details, but it's total bullshit. It's especially total bullshit because I have called CS several times in the past about concerns over my own clients home lives only to have them do nothing and clients go on continuing to be abused because the system is so fucked. Like having a client who was sexually abused, and has now admitted to doing those same acts to a younger sibling, and CS doesn't even attempt to remove this client from that environment. That is what we call neglect, but apparently it doesn't apply to them. Being in a position of direct care, but not having the power or authority to do anything to help your client's do anything other than survive is a real fucking trip. But that's not what this post is about.

What the fuck do I really want to do? That's the thought that really dominates my mind on those lonely drives, especially with the potential change in employment status looming. And depending on the time or day there could be a million answers.

I want to get the fuck out of Ohio for no reason in particular.

I want to start a charter school because most of the ones around here are shit and just a money grab. Watching struggling kids fall through the cracks just to be ignored and struggle even more is frustrating.

I want to buy a bunch land outside of the city and open a dog rescue. That's a pretty fucking silly dream. Even sillier, I want to open a dog rescue attached to a restaurant/pub, so people can get buzzed and decide to take a dog home. Irresponsible and silly. But man I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about that possibility every single day.

The grass is always greener, right?


Tuesday morning I was going through my usual blog roll and read Grumpy's post from Monday. Here's a excerpt:
"Over the July 4th weekend friends who now live in Las Vegas came to Cincinnati to visit with their 4 month old son. The paternal grandparents had people over Saturday night to meet the baby and congratulate the new parents in person. Really cute kid, very photogenic and nary a complaint while being passed among strangers. But here's what I was thinking: In 18 yrs., when Jake graduates from high school, I likely won't be there to see it. It's simple math, really. It's how I've started to view the future, by doing the math."
Sunday night I got a call my mom saying she was taking my dad to the ER because he has had indigestion for over 12 hours and can't get rid of the discomfort in his chest. At about midnight I got another call saying he was being transferred to a heart and vascular hospital in Toledo because it's obviously more serious than indigestion. Now this isn't anything new to us. My dad had a triple aortic bypass in '07 and two subsequent hernia operations, both full of complications. So him being transferred wasn't a huge shock. But it's obviously something. My dad is one tough and stubborn SOB who has been through hell and back in his life. From being an orphan, to a child whose only purpose was a farmhand, to Vietnam, and beyond, he's been through the gauntlet. And if he agrees to go to the hospital it's a concern.

Monday afternoon my mom calls, stumbling over every word trying to hold back tears because she still thinks I'm 12 when it comes to things like this, saying it's serious. She doesn't need to say anything else. I tell my supervisor I'm leaving and won't be back tomorrow and not sure about the rest of the week. I didn't need to wait for her response, I was on auto-pilot. I'm sure any child would do the same in this situation, but as an only child it's not even a decision. You just fucking do it.

As I arrive at the hospital we are just getting the official news; open heart surgery. Fuck. Right before I get into the room the surgeon decides to tell my mom, "this procedure will lengthen his life". He walks out and she is fucking hysterical. How the fuck are we supposed to take that? Lengthen his life? That's something I expect to hear when somebody is terminal and trying to live for another 6 months. Not MY dad.


So my dad is sitting in his hospital, disgusted that he has to sit there for 4 days waiting for surgery. A nurse comes into the room and asks to check his EKG or some medical bullshit. Before she does it, she asks if it would be okay if a couple nursing students came in to observe. He obliges.

Nurse: "Come a little closer, I'm just going to hook these clamps his port. It won't effect anything." (Hooks clamp)
My Dad: "(While convulsing uncontrollably)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!"
All the students jump back and the nurse lets out a squeak.

He's getting his money's worth if they are keeping him in that hellhole.


The Math.

I get lost in my own mind a lot. Since Monday I have had a conversation with a surgeon about my dad dying at least 30 times in my head. Anything can spark it and it's the exact same conversation every time. And I know it's coming but I feel like I shouldn't stop myself because it's something that I need to be prepared for. The surgeon said this operation has about a 98% success rate, but I'll be damned if I can think about anything other than that 2% right now. 

My dad is 66. The average male who lives to be 65 can expect to live to be 84 years old. With his previous health issues I have to think he would find himself in the below average group. Even if by some miracle Mrs. Ace pushed out a baby this morning, my dad still probably wouldn't see my son graduate high school. That's a real fucking sobering truth. It's not like this is the first time I have ever thought about these things. And I'm sure most of you guys have had similar thoughts. But when that reality is staring you dead in the face and there's no way you can brush it aside it's a tough pill to swallow.

By the time most of you read this my dad will be in the middle of surgery. And that's about the only thing that I can predict as far as the next few days go. Hopefully I'm just being a pussy and my dad will be out of the hospital in four days. But he has a knack for turning 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares. But hey, here's to hoping.

The majority of us are around that age where our parents' eventual demise is becoming more unavoidable to our conscience. I can't even imagine what that might feel like while having a kid to think about on the complete opposite end of that spectrum. I don't really think there is a good way to end this. But if you made it through all of this your reward is proof that Ide has went full hipster on us.

I appreciate your well wishes in advance. And if you're the praying type, feel free to pray that the surgeon is fucking nails today.