Monday, September 22, 2014

The Worst of Week Three Vol.VIII

Johnny Foreskin IMO
I don't know about the rest of you losers, but I'm sick and fucking tired of seeing John McEnroe pop up in commercials in 2014 to mock scream at some referee.  Dude bro, it has been 25 years since you've been an athlete and even at your best that schtick was old and tired and sad...GIVE IT A REST.  I don't know what Johnny Mac is promoting now  (some sort of cell service with Andy Roddick maybe?) but how about you become something more than "asshole from the 80's".  That will do it for my tennis coverage for the rest of the year.  Now where is Michael Chang with my War Su Gai???  Since I mentioned Roddick, I should also add Brooklyn Decker > Kate Upton forever.  FOREVER.  DEAL WITH IT.  So how about we discuss another banner week in the National Football League!

Roger Goodell - Well, that was certainly a horrible press conference on Friday afternoon. Good job trying to bury that heading into the weekend but you done fucked your shit up so bad that that was wishful thinking.  This just keeps getting worse and worse.  The ONLY way that this goes away is if Rog quits and he says that he won't so this isn't going to end any time soon. Strap yourselves in for more shit.

Howard Stern - Way to send one of your cronies in to that press conference to drop some negative LOLZ.  You aren't relevant anymore, Howie.  YOU are the pig vomit.

Josh McCown - Goodell should have apologized for putting Tampa Bay on in prime-time.  Who would have ever guessed that McCown's 2013 season was a total fluke other than everyone ever???

Terry Bradshaw - Look, son, you don't need your son-in-law to have a great pregame show!  But seriously, RIP Robby Bironas, you ended up on one my fantasy teams every year since 1972.  I love you forever bubba.

Danny Woodhead - In what is ten times worse than whatever Ray Rice did, Woodhead needing the cart almost immediately after the game started was heart breaking.  I love the Chargers.  That team is legit.  Not legit = Buffalo.  Good job getting the team to stay but your QB stinks.

Robert Quinn - I know that this cat is good but is he really worth 66 million over 4 years???  That seems like a lot.  Does he also play QB.  The Rams are hot dogshit.  That is one awful team.  They get less results than the Ferguson PD.  Topical!

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Did you know that he graduated from Harvard?  It's nice to see Arian Foster already being a bitch.  Who the fuck is Alfred Blue and congrats to all those tards that added him!  I'm sure that he was a real factorback.  The Texans started the season with WAS, @OAK, and @NYG...that is really fucking easy.

Drew Brees - What the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the Breesus Days of Yore?  He is simply pedestrian now.  I do not care for this.  I'll blame Sean Payton.   Also, the Vikings suck pig balls.

Not South Park- Oh baby, the season premiere on Wednesday night deals with Dan Snyder and his love of Native Americans.  That should be ELITE.

The Bengals IMO - I look pretty stupid for thinking that they would underachieve this season.  They look incredible through three weeks.  Andy Dalton is catching touchdown passes.  Jeremy Hill hasn't sexually assaulted anyone.  It's crazy.  Hell, even Mike Brown is being a human being with feelings by treating Devon Still like his son.  The Bengals in 2014 are a model franchise.  Was not expecting to ever admit that.

Johnny Football - HA!  THEY TRIED TO RUN "SIDELINE PLAY"!!!  WE RAN THAT SHIT TO PERFECTION IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!  There is nothing more Mickey Mouse than Sideline Play.

Joe Haden and Justin Gilbert and Slick Willie Cundiff - Those are your goats, folks!  What a hilarious home loss that was.  Just a complete choke which can be expected when you go against Big Joe ELITE.  Those "shutdown cornerbacks" are more like shitdown corners.  Serpentini should fire Haden.

Cakes - STOP IT.  Can we make a deal amongst our community of assholes?  You can't tweet more than 5 times during your team's games.  You aren't a beat reporter.  No one is reading your thoughts other than people who barely tolerate you.  Make a few funny quips and watch the fucking game.  I don't need to read about the "buzz at the stadium".  How the fuck do you know this?  A fucking tool once queefed, GIVE IT A REST, and it applies to everyone socially.


Aaron Rodgers and Used To Be More Fat Stafford - Hey jerks, that was supposed to be a shootout.  For fuck's sake, the Lions Defense outscored Green Bay.  The Packers stink.  They could easily be 0-3 and probably should be if the Jets weren't stupid.

Andrew Luck - STOP THROWING THE BALL TO AHMAD BRADSHAW. Christ, Wayne and Hilton have a combined zero scores this year and Mr. IR has 3 receiving touchdowns.  Knock that shit off.  Goddamn Cakes guy.

Non-Pollacks - You probably saw that every point scored in the dreadful OAK/NE game was by a guy with the suffix -owski.  That's dumb.  It might be time to take Tom Brady out back and put a bullet between his eyes.  Dude looks a LOT like "final year Dan Marino" and that is not a compliment.

Jim HarBRAH - Yeah, he's already mentally in Ann Arbor.  That's the worst kept secret at this site.  Since he can't beat Drew Stanton in the pros LOL, maybe he can stomp on his alma mater instead?  Colin Kaepernick looks terrible, too.  I should also mention that Larry Fitzgerald is a corpse.

Miami Dolphins - They blow.  They should be trying to get into the Jameis derby.  He would fit in well down there.  He could take Richie Incognito's old locker.

Peyton Manning - Yeah, the comeback was quite ELITE but he was so bad for the first three and a half quarters.  SO BAD.  That arm STREMPH was Pennington-esque.  What I'm trying to say here is that Eli beat a rugged 2-0 team yesterday while Outlaw Country choked again.  FACT.  In all honesty though, the Broncos D looked pretty good or the Seahawks just assumed that 17 points would be enough.  It almost was.  The funny thing is that Seattle knows that Denver can not beat them.

DeAngelo Hall - The 2012 Best Player in the NFL said that he tore his Achilles yesterday.  God speed, you stud.

Brandon Merriweather - My God, he was fucking abysmal.  Every garbage fluke touchdown that piece of shit Foles threw was a result of The Concussion King getting roasted and toasted.  BM are very fitting initials.

That was fun though - Man, those two teams HATE each other.  I like that.  I like DeSean getting some amount of revenge.  I like Eagles fans booing for reasons that they will never be able to explain.  I mean, seriously, it wasn't HIS decision to leave.  I LOVED Chris Baker fucking murdering Foles on that interception that wasn't.  Why the fuck is that a penalty anyway?  He was five yards away from a DB trying to score.  It looked to me like he was interested in making a tackle.  So he should pay the punishment for not having his head on a swivel.  I liked Jason Peters throwing a punch back.  And the game was great.  Cousins and Foles just going back and forth.  Those teams looked pretty equal to me.  The Eagles are just a little cleaner with the fundamentals.  That's fine.  The Skins--with Cousins--look like a playoff contender to me.  We'll see what they do Thursday when ELITE Manning comes to DC.

FANTASY! - Looks like a 2-2 week for this guy.  How I'm 2-1 in the LFL is a mystery but I'll take it.  Goddamn, Adrian Peterson has thrown a wrench into a lot of my fantasy plans this year.  We're relying on hard work and grit in 2014 and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Fuck you, Cakes and Ide.  Go tweet black dick pics to each other.  I'm sure that your collections are massive anyway.

That will do it for me today.  I started this on Saturday evening because I am a stud with an amazing social calendar and Iceman was already plugging away with tomorrow's FUCK YOU HOKE post.  I didn't read it but I assume that it will be a doozy.  Stay tuned, bruh.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Jameis Winston Might Be Simple Jack

The other day, Florida State announced that Heisman Trophy winner, Jameis Winston, would miss the first half of tomorrow's game vs. the Clemson Jeffs.  He will be "suspended" for being really hip and edgy and cool by yelling "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY" in the middle of a student center or some such place where screaming that is wildly unacceptable.  Oh man, if you've watched any sort of sports programming or listened to the radio over the last 48 hours, the hot takes are plentiful.

Paul Finebaum put down his meal of freshly picked boogers to demand a multiple game suspension.  The College Football Live guys want at least one game.  Don't even ask what Cowherd wants.  Hell, Kiper moved him from #4 to #25 on his 2015 Big Board!  And this is all because he took some mildly popular meme from The World Cup and still thought that it was funny.

Let's be honest: this is so stupid.  Winston is guilty of being a dork over anything.  But at the same time, bro, you are still being investigated for rape, got busted for stealing crustaceans, and other stupid things that are easily avoidable.  Maybe making a rape joke isn't the best idea...especially on a campus that was founded on rape (seems likely).  I'm OK with the one half suspension actually.  He is dumb.  That's all.  Mentally, Jameis is a third grader.

That said, I'm calling my shot and the Noles are well past due.  Dabo Swinney will leave Tallahassee tomorrow night as a victor and the nation's longest winning streak comes to an end.  And the only thing that matters here is "if Jameis went to Ohio State, the NCAA would move here and try to dig up we are a fucking stupid people and please keep calling us Ohio because we hate it and can't let obvious trolling go ever...its why we always yell at the TV when Mark May is on even though it is exactly what he wants...where were we...oh yeah, everyone is jealous of us even if that is wildly untrue O-H!"  I captured the essence of Ohio there quite well.  The only victims ever are Ohio Buckeye fans.

Another bold prediction for this weekend is that the CBJ and Ryan Johansen agree to a contract at some point.  It's time to end this, RyJo.  Put your asshole agent in his place and get to camp.  Go HAM for two years and then break the bank.

For gambling advice, I really like tomorrow's Indiana/Missour-ah game going over 71.  That's a lot of points, I know, but those offenses are great while the defenses are shit.  Missouri has struggled post-homo.

The MAC Glory Hole of the Week (2-1, son!) is Marshall -9.5 @ Akron.  Jesus, the Herd have played the RedHawks, Ohio #2, and now Akron?  Even Gene Smiff doesn't schedule that easily.  I don't know if they were thinking possible playoff birth but not with that non-con.  That said, they should handle the Zips easily.  I also like Ball State +14 @ Toledo.  The Rockets are already in a free-fall and I like the Cards to come back focused after getting punked by Indiana State last week.

That's it for us this week.  Let's all reconvene on Monday with stories about beating toddlers and their immediate reactions.  This could be a fantastic case study.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Gather 'round Children; I'm Boutsta Whoop Dat Ass

The only kind of spanking condoned by The Money Shot
The NFL just won't stop giving us storylines. Domestic Violence, Drug Policy, Roger Goodell being ousted, Dan Snyder supporting Goodell...trying to give him the kiss of death, and more Domestic Violence. But today we are going to go down the path that Adrian Peterson has so gracefully paved for us.

Child Abuse. It's a pretty simple term that can mean a million different things; neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse(No, I'm not making that up). So lets look at the legal definition:
 At a minimum, any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or
caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.
 Now lets checkout Mr. Paterson's actions,
THROW THAT MOTHER FUCKER UNDER THE JAIL! These marks were left after nearly two weeks had passed. I understand due process and know that a warrant was put out for Peterson and he had to pay bail, but let some other single black guy in Texas beat the shit out of his kid with a stick and I bet he doesn't get to roam free for four days, let alone four months. You can't just go around assaulting children.

Do I think Adrian Peterson is a bad guy? Yes. I honestly do. The more that comes out about this guy the worse that he looks. He has at least 7 kids by 5 different women, he's been accused of child abuse before(with photographic evidence) and he's a huge fucking moron. You don't beat on 4 year olds and call yourself a loving dad, let alone a decent human being. 

And all I can think about is can you imagine if there was video of this? Looking at all the marks on that kid, I would say he got hit at least 25 times. Imagine a video where Adrian Peterson is seen snatching his son up, pulling his sons' pants down, snapping off a tree branch and taking up to 30 swipes at his sons bare ass. Not only would his career be over, he would spend years in jail. I'm glad that at least the pictures have surfaced so everybody can see the damage that he inflicted, but a video would completely bury him. Even some pictures of the wounds shortly after the incident might be enough. But I'm not sure that's how it will play out now, no matter what the Vikings do over the next couple weeks.

Even worse, Peterson doesn't think he did anything wrong. He is downright prideful that he beat his kid so bad that it left lacerations on a 4 year olds ass, sack, and legs, not to mention the defensive wounds on the arms and hands. Here is what his kid had to say about the incident;
According to police reports, the child, however, had a slightly different story, telling authorities that “Daddy Peterson hit me on my face.” The child also expressed worry that Peterson would punch him in the face if the child reported the incident to authorities. He also said that he had been hit by a belt and that “there are a lot of belts in Daddy’s closet.” He added that Peterson put leaves in his mouth when he was being hit with the switch while his pants were down. The child told his mother that Peterson “likes belts and switches” and “has a whooping room."
That's his own fucking son! He probably sees his kid for two or three weeks out of the year and the image that kid has of him is some terrifying man who beats him and shoves dirt in his mouth but buys him nice things. What a piece of shit.

I can count on one hand the number of times I received any sort of physical punishment as a kid, but there is one time that will be etched in my mind forever. Ol' Mr. Ace slapped me right across the face. I was in 3rd grade and he slapped me over a pop can. He told me to take it downstairs. I said no, because it wasn't mine. He slapped me. It was that simple. I wasn't hurt and it didn't leave a mark, but it shocked me to my core...and my dad knew it the moment after he did it. There isn't an action that he regrets more than what he did that day. He didn't defend what he did by saying that's how he was raised. He didn't talk about setting a tone of not talking back or acting right. He was embarrassed and wasn't sure whether or not I would be afraid of him for the rest of my life and that terrified him.

I work with abused kids for a living. I am often put in positions where I have to put my hands on kids to insure their safety and the safety of others around them. I fucking hate doing it. Having an adult put their hands on them takes them right back to the abusive events they experience at home. I see that confusion, fear and pain play out on a daily basis and that's with 4th graders, not 4 year olds. I can't imagine being the cause of that type of anguish to my own son or daughter...of any child for that matter. If you can't raise your kid without putting your hands on them then that means you are too stupid to explain right from wrong to a toddler. Just think about that. You are so incapable of using words and logic that you feel it necessary to physically bully a child into accepting whatever it is you are saying is right or wrong. If that's too difficult for you to understand please cut off your penis or rip out your uterus now.

What Adrian Peterson did has nothing to do with corporal punishment or parenting style. It has everything to do with him being criminally abusive towards his son without an ounce of remorse as he smiles in our face.

Thanks. This has been another PSAce.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Open Forum: TV Channels

As I said the other day, I'm on vacation this week.  These were use it or lose it days so I get a week of doing absolutely nothing AKA heaven.  Needless to say, the remote control is getting a workout.  Anyway, it feels like every few months, She$ will yell at me because the cable went up.  Now this is not my fault at all.  Cable companies are assholes.  But I have to hear about it anyway.

At some point in the future, a la carte cable will become a reality.  It makes sense.  Us poor saps get stuck having to pay for a ton of shit that we don't even consider watching.  Some day, we will be able to pay for what we want to watch.  And that is going to serve as the transition for today's TV get 5 channels on G$'s a la carte cable system.  What are you choosing?

A couple of rules:
1. You have to take one (and one only) network channel
2. One of your choices is automatically ESPN.  So you get 4 channels instead of 5.  DEAL WITH IT.
3. You don't get pick to the streaming options.  Fuck off, Ide.
4. You get one "caveat".  I'll explain that when I get there.  So what are my Five Channels...

ESPN - I already told you that.  Even if you hate SportsCenter and all of the nonsense, at least you get PTI and Gameday and Monday Night Football.  That's big.

CBS - This is my network pick.  ABC and NBC were not even considered.  It always came down to CBS vs. Fox.  Both networks have the NFL which is great.  But I chose CBS over Fox because I'll take The Masters and March Madness over the World Series.  I also LOVE CBS's holy trinity reality shows (Survivor, Big Bruh, and Amazing Race).  Brooklyn Nine Nine just couldn't match.  I watch none of CBS's "comedies" and dramas and never will.  Basically, I picked Jim Nantz over Joe Buck.  That was a tough call.

FX/FXX - FX has the best shows and I'm sliding FXX in there as my caveat.  For the purpose of having an ELITE channel, FXX was absorbed by FX.

HBO - It was either this or AMC and it came down to me trusting the people at HBO more.  AMC has been awful recently and not even The Walking Dead can save it.  With HBO, I've still got GoT as well as movies and Louis CK specials.

Fox Sports Ohio - My final pick is an easy choice.  Yes, I'll take the network that gives me every Cavs and CBJ game. 

I think that I could live a comfortable, lazy life with these five channels.  And, one day, it will be a reality that I could have that for $40 a month or whatever.  CARRY THE FLAG!  List yours.

We can also use today as a Fall TV Preview.  I'm not really looking to add anything new to the season pass but that Gotham show looks interesting simply because of Donal Logue.  What doesn't look good is Blackish.  Nice fucking title.  So let's spend today away from sports and on television.  200 channels and nothing but cats indeed.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

College Football Week 3

2014 Internet winner.

There were quite a few stinky games on the schedule this week so let's see if I can squeeze a full post out of what we had.  And again...hats off to whoever was responsible for the lead picture today.  That, is a thing of fucking beauty and you, sir deserve 40 blow jobs from 40 virgins.

Michigan vs. Miami (OH)

So much to say about this game.  First of all...embarrassing performance.  This Miami team hasn't won in now, 19 games, and Michigan let them hang around for 3 full quarters.  Pathetic.  Second...Gardner is not a good quarterback.  We all know this but somehow Brady Hoke hasn't absorbed this pretty simple concept.  During the broadcast I heard Marcus Ray say Gardner was known for being "very accurate".  Exactly fucking how did you come to that conclusion?  He's not the first person to say that either.  I guess that opens the door for me to make wildly untrue claims with no evidence to back it up.  My farts smell like Jell-O!  And I once uppercutted a grizzly bear!  Third...Michigan is a different team without Funchess on the field.  And the way he was walking on the sideline Saturday makes me think that injury is pretty severe.  If that's the case then this team is winning 7 games tops.  On the positive side of things, the run defense looks wicked and the offensive line continues to improve.

As far as the whole head set thing goes since it continues to be a topic of discussion, I really don't give a fuck one way or another.  Wear one or don't.  I really don't think it makes that big of a difference if you choose not to wear a head set.  But either wear one or don't.  Stick with whatever you choose.  Hoke looks so fucking incompetent when he chooses to not wear a head set but then throws one on the minute danger is on the horizon.  Hoke just continues to dig a hole he probably can't get himself out of. I really don't see him lasting past this season.

Ohio vs. Kent St.

This went about as predicted.  You just had that feeling that Kent St. was going to get every last ounce of anger and frustration left over from that Virginia Tech game.  And boy, did they.  KSU is probably still walking funny today after that anal destruction.  The one thing I found odd about this game is when the announcers decided to tell everyone about the football player from Kent St. that died.  You know...deep in the 3rd quarter when most of the nation had already turned the channel.  Hey nobody!  Let us tell you about this dead guy!  I thought that would have been mentioned right away before the prison rape commenced.

Big Ten

Again.  Yucky.  It was capped off by Indiana losing to my alma mater, BGSU...with BGSU playing their backup quarterback.  I wonder how many freshmen girls contracted an STD that night while celebrating a win they probably still don't know about.  The Big Ten continues to trend downward.

Florida vs. Kentucky

Two out of three weeks Kentucky football gets mentioned, Seal!  Randy Cobb and Steven Johnson would be proud.  This was my first actual SEC football experience since I was in Chicago last weekend and week one put Gainesville under water.  I really don't see why everyone claims the SOUF tailgates so much better than the NORF.  I was crazy and fun, but it was pretty much Ohio and Michigan tailgates.  Anyway, the Swamp is a fucking dump and feels every part of being a thousand years old.  I have no idea why a football school with a history of winning and a shit ton of money would play their games in a stadium that makes Veteran's Stadium look like a fucking palace.  Florida fans are a pretty delusional bunch.  Some kid in the concession line wouldn't shut up about how good Florida is going to be this year...then they proceed to almost lose to Kentucky at home.  This is going to be a great season.

Georgia vs. South Carolina

That's what I get for believing in Georgia.  One week after I fucking blow them they lose to a South Carolina team that will be lucky to finish in the top 25 this year.  Even though Todd Gurley had yet another bitchin game, this will probably put him out of the Heisman discussion since that award is fucking stupid.  Who's the front runner for this dumb award now?  Probably Marcus Mariota, right?  Right.  The sequence of plays after it was first and goal from the four yard line will probably haunt Georgia fans for awhile.  I imagine the taste it left resembled sucking on a used tampon.

USC vs. Boston College

I'm going to use this opportunity to be serious for a moment.  I'm not sure how many of you know the story of Welles Crowther.  I'll be honest, I didn't until I was watching SportsCenter on the anniversary of 9/11.  Basically, he was a Boston College graduate who was working in the twin towers on 9/11.  He sacrificed himself to save the lives of something like 14 people.  Remarkable story and I highly recommend watching the whole thing.  This past weekend Boston College honored Crowther and his family by wearing red bandana inspired uniforms during their game vs. USC.  They also passed out red bandanas to everyone in the student section.  It only seems fitting Boston College pulled off the upset on a day they were celebrating and remembering one of their own.  Cool thing to see.  Good for them.

Notre Dame vs. Purdue

Fuck Notre Dame and fuck Larry in his stupid ass.

UCLA vs. Texas

All of those people who thought UCLA was going to be in the playoff this year can now start punching themselves in the balls.  This team is on the verge of getting the shit kicked out of them by someone average.  Or just wait until they play Oregon.  Yikes.  I know Hundley got hurt in this game but it's not like this team was playing great while he was in there.  The best part of this game is Texas not understanding how coin flips work and giving UCLA the ball first in both halves.  LOL.  People are still trying to figure out how that happened.

Another week of college football in the books.  Hopefully the games this weekend are a little more entertaining.  That's it.  That's all I have for you.  I haven't ended a post this way in awhile so....FUCK YOU CAKES!

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VIII

Thank God there were some games played yesterday.  I don't know if I can handle anymore of these horrible life stories perpetuated by the league's best players.  How do you top Adrian Peterson beating the shit out of his toddler son with Grumpy's favorite tree?  Is Jim Kelly, fresh off being cancer free, the ISIS decapitator?   It wouldn't surprise me anymore.  If I had any integrity at all I would totally stop following this sport. I don't so I won't--let's make that clear--but the NFL is a fucking dumpster from top to bottom.  It is rotten to the core.

As far as Peterson goes, look I'm never going to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but "extreme violence and intimidation" is probably not the best course of action.  Who whips a 4 year old with wood?  If you want to spank, fine.  If you're a screamer, hey that's great.  But beating the shit out of  your son's scrotum is a terrible idea.   I have no idea how the NFL is going to handle this (I assume poorly) but a 4 game suspension seems fine to me.  Although his smiling mugshot really pissed me off.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR, ASSHOLE???  Let's make it 6 (with time served) and hope that this is rock bottom for the league (it isn't).

And please stop whipping toddlers.  It doesn't matter where you grew up or how you were raised, you're a multi-millionaire now.  Act like it.  Hey, the Redskins won BY A LOT this week ending a 9 game losing streak!  Let's talk about the games!

Cam Newton - Oh, you hilarious scamp.  That press conference where you kept calling Suh "Donkey Kong" was so LOLZ.  Never heard that before.  Keep in mind that you called him an ape and if Derek Anderson did that, we would have a race war on our hands.  Don't call your own people monkeys.  I shouldn't have to say things like this.  And the Lions should take it easy on the positive thoughts from a week ago.

Matty Ice - Let's hold off on calling this guy ELITE and the Falcons contenders.  We learned yesterday that the Saints have a ton of issues. 

KELLYTOUGH - Holy shit, the Bills are 2-0.  That can't be right.  Boy, Sammy Watkins was TOTES not worth the #4 pick, eh?  Terrible franchise.

The Women Wearing Ray Rice Jerseys on Thursday - Can't forget about these people!  People should have been allowed to punch them in the face IMO.  Also: Mike Tomlin's team blows.  Also also: Mike Tomlin blows.

Rob Ryan - Poor Wolfman got bitch-slapped verbally by his OVERRATED coach in the 4th quarter and then his defense couldn't stop Brian Hoyer when it mattered.  That was sad.  The Saints have some big time problems to work out if they want to make the playoffs this year.  One of them, shockingly, is not Mark Ingram who has looked great through two weeks.  I can't believe that I just wrote that either.  The Browns won.  Unexpected but this team still stinks.  That's got to be the worst part.  You KNOW that this team isn't going to the playoffs so these wins largely don't matter.  Bring on the next mediocre QB prospect drafted at the end of the first round!

Johnny Manziel - Nice debut.  Such a beautiful hand-off.  A real game changer there.

The Vikings - I think it's fair to say that they were just a tad distracted.  Having to play their home games at the house of Jerry Kill's future death has to be unsettling, too.

Mike Carey - So CBS was two years late to the on-site referee movement but they got this blerd for their telecasts this season.  Look at his fucking head!  What is that?  He looks like Jermaine "Dinosaur Head" Brooks.  Mike Carey sucks.  #TeamMikePereira4Life

Bishop Sankey - 2 carries for 3 yards. the way, maybe that Cowboys defense isn't as bad as we all hoped it would be?  Granted, Jake Locker is no Rich Gannon, but still.  Through two games, they have been solid.

Everyone on the Giants - It's time to gut this franchise.  Get rid of Coughlin.  Try to trade Eli.  Flush it all down.  If you can't beat Drew Stanton in your own house then start sending all of your scouts to Marcus Mariota's games every week.  Eli will forever be ELITE but he has to be the worst ELITE QB in the Hall of ELITEness.  He's the fucking janitor at this point.  FYI, Joe Flacco is the president.

Mike Evans - LOLOLOL nothing beats a good game-ending choke and Evans killed it by catching a pass to get the Bucs into field goal range but staying on the ground hurt after taking a decent shot.  The training staff had to come out.  Tampa had no timeouts OBVZ because look who their coach is.  Ten seconds were run off the clock but since there were only 8 left, THEY LOSE!  Just stand up, Mike.  The stupid look on Lovie's face when he realized that the game was over four hours after the call was made was priceless. 

Antonio Gates - I'm not buying this manure.  Oh sure, morons will argue that Gates is back after his three scores yesterday.  Smart people like myself know that starting next week, his toes will start acting up and he'll be a game time decision for the rest of the year.  Man, you've got to love up a pumped up Marmalard beating the world champs.  And now that Ryan Mathews is going to miss some time because of course he will, WOODHEAD BABY!!!

James Jones - DOUBLE FUMBLE!  It's not butt fumble but Jones' Double Fumble was pretty sick.

Marty Morninwheg - I still have no idea how to spell this loser's name but you had to love the overmatched and overweight Jets OC icing his own offense and costing them a game-tying touchdown.  One of the most Jets thing ever considering the head coach wasn't try to call the TO.  It was the moron calling plays.  Apparently, he didn't want his team running the "Touchdown Play".

Jamaal Charles - Poor guy.  Sounds like it might be an Achilles.  Boy, I said last month that you couldn't go wrong with Charles, McCoy, or Peterson as your RB in the top 3.  Whoops.  By the way, the officiating in this game was God awful.  They called the Chiefs offsides in the first half even though it was the two minute warning.  It was horrendous.  I'm selling stock on the Broncos.  Something isn't clicking.  Team needs a good Molly-popping sesh.

RG3 - OK, saving this for last.  First of all, what a dominating performance from a bad franchise.  Through two games, the defense looks legit (Bacarri Rambo excluded because he is terrible).  I'm back to feeling like we'll be alright as long as we stop shooting ourselves in the face no offense to Steve McNair.  BUT, QB1 goes down in the first quarter to a NASTY dislocated ankle injury and Captain Kirk came in looking all sorts of ELITE.  It sucks because I'm a Griff supporter and I want him to do well, but if he can't stay on the field then I can't sit here and defend him.  I want wins.  Winning matters to me the most.  I don't care how we do it.  I want RG3 to be a stud in this league but so far he doesn't know how to mesh his incredible skill set with what can keep him alive for a full season.  So he is on the shelf again.  It doesn't make our trade from the Rams stupid.  Why?  Because both of those teams still blow.  You have to have a QB to win consistently in the NFL.  We took a shot.  So far, it has not worked the way that we wanted it to.  To be honest, I'd rather have these injuries happen now instead of after giving him a monster contract extension.  The Redskins will be fine.  RG3 will be fine.  Kirk Cousins will super fine because he is an icon.  It's Beat The Fucking Eagles Week (I think).

FANTASY! - Hey there!  After starting 0-4, I have a really good shot of going 4-0 this week.  Do you know what's always fun?  Beating the shit out of Dut with a switch that I made him cut down for me.  DEAL WITH IT.

I'm on stay-cation all week which is ELITE and am very much looking forward to taking a daily nap.  Going into yesterday, my two favorite football teams had combined to lose their last 28 games.  TWENTY EIGHT IN A ROW.  Make that one WIN in a row, bruh. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Absolute Worst Fans In The World...WE ARE!

The real victims...
It's been a banner week for the old HOT SPROTS TAEK here between the Ray Rice video, LOL Big Ten, LOL Urban Meyer, LOL Hokester, and Roger Goodell being a liar but one of the more under-the-radar stories took place in Happy Valley.  After serving two years of a four year bowl ban, Penn State was granted a reprieve and the remaining two years have been erased.  The Nittany Lions are immediately eligible for a bowl appearance.

As is customary in State College, fans and students flooded wherever they flood to to celebrate such great news.  They hooted and hollered.  They did their Zombie Nation thing.  They screamed WE ARE.  They even started demanding that the Joe Paterno statue be restored.  FUCK.  THAT.  Fuck all of you people.  You are the scum of the Earf and I am rooting for the worst things in the world to happen to all of you.  You deserve it all and more.  If you are one to believe in Hell, then all of you will find your way there when you hopefully die soon.

Let me explain why this is absolutely wrong at all levels:

1. Penn State was punished as an institution for their role in allowing a know pedophile to inflict all sorts of abuse on children for TWO DECADES.  Important people knew about this.  Important people, WHO COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS, did not.  This is the definition of "extreme lack of institutional control".  It was a penalty for the school for doing nothing about everything.  Many people were calling for the program to be shut down and it would not have been unthinkable for that to happen.  Instead, they got a four year bowl ban, monster legal bills, settlements, a dead coach, and some scholarship reductions.  They should feel lucky.

2. The guy that relieved the bowl ban said that it was no longer right to punish those that had nothing to do with Sandusky.  God dammit, THAT ISN'T THE POINT.  Every single player had the right to leave the school and go somewhere else with no penalty.  Some left but many stayed and they KNEW what they were in for.  The players aren't the fucking victims here and they never were.  They were given a "get out of the shower" free card.  If they did not take it, then fuck them.  Why should ANYONE feel sympathy for those that stayed???

3. The Joe Paterno worship should infuriate everyone forever.  Fuck these losers with an old man's liver-spotted dick.  Get the fuck over it.  By making Penn State bowl eligible, you are giving the worst fanbase in the world an excuse to go on vacation.  Good fucking job, Senator Mitchell.  You are rewarding people whose only reward should be a public caning.  You aren't giving the players a pat on the back and a "job well done".  You are giving Paterno Supporters a reason to party.

I like James Franklin and I think that he is a really good coach (Vandy rapes aside) but I will spend the rest of my days hoping that his new program never wins another game.  These boosters and supporters and students and alumni are sub-human garbage and they have earned nothing but heartbreak and depression.  WE ARE!  FUCKING EVIL!

Let's close on some gambling advice...I don't see any chance in Hell that the Redskins cover the -6 against Jacksonville on Sunday.  If we win at all, it will be some sort of fluke.

As far as buttering your bread, we are moving the MAC Glory Hole of the Week (1-1!) up one night for a special Friday night winner!  We are going to double down on the shittiness of Toledo.  TONIGHT, I love Cincinnati laying 11 10! points in their season opener(!) at home versus the Rockets.  Toledo QB Whatever Ely tore his ACL last week and the back-up was pretty bad.  Matt Campbell has horse teeth, sort of sucks as a head coach, and is from the goddamn Tim Beckman coaching tree.  Tonight, we FINALLY get to see what all the hubbub is about regarding QB Gunner Kiel who is FINALLY not transferring somewhere and will start for the Bearcats.  Cincy rolls by at least three scores in a tune-up before they embarrass Urban Meyer.

What a week!  Let's hope that next week is as equally ELITE.  And let's all root for our RedHawks to beat The Hokester tomorrow!