|He was told that there would be cakes.|
But in case you haven’t checked Facebook yet today, you may not know that today is Cakes’ birthday. I don’t know how old he actually he is but mentally he just turned 8. Congrats, BRO, on living another day! How about we just waste today discussing only topics that Cakes would contribute toward!
*The WINDIANS! I’m still not buying into them. You can’t just keep outscoring the opposition. 4 of your 5 starters are average at best and your closer is a shitburger. Enjoy it while it lasts because you know what’s coming…crushing defeat.
*The Brown Stains! I don’t think that we’ve talked enough about how embarrassing your new owner is. This guy is a real shithead who most definitely should be serving time in prison for his white collar chicanery. Out of all of the horrible things that has happened to this fan base, having a criminal as owner is just the cherry on top of the Art Modell turd sundae. I hope that Goodell takes the team from him and then they sell it to Jay-Z or some other nincompoop.
*OHIO BUCKEYE FOOTBALL! I heard numerous rumors from multiple Wal-Mart Wolverines over the weekend that The Hokester is CRUSHING Urb’s pussy on the recruiting trail for next year. I can not confirm or deny these charges but since I don’t like the red and gray, I will confirm these allegations to be true. Hoke-a-mania is running wild on King Buttfucker!
*The weather! It is supposed to be really nice this weekend which is in stark contrast to last Memorial Day when it was a billion degrees. Funny story: Damman and I were scheduled to ump a tripleheader together over that weekend and he did the plate for the first game while I would be doing the dish for the other two. After game one, he was so dehydrated that I found him lying under a tree covered in his own Spaghetti-O’s puke or whatever he ate. He lived so it was hilarious. I’ll give him credit though, he came back to do the bases for game 3. I was not deterred because I am all that is man. FYI, we are working together for three on Monday morning. Fingers crossed that he makes it!
*Tinted eyewear! Never forget Coach Tress.
*Bestiality! I assume so. You know, I really don’t know Cakes all that well after all. I’m putting that on my resume.
Well, that will do it for All Cakes Day here at The Shot. We will be dark on Monday but Tuesday will pick up exactly where you all want it to…at the Indy 500! Just do a little digging about the event this year and you will be able to figure out what I’m talking about. Also I’m sure that there will be a lot of talk about Ice, Ide, and myself doing RUN FOR YOUR LIVES tomorrow (I’m sure that you’re thrilled that you won’t have to read about that anymore) as well as Drew’s trip to NOLA. Have a good weekend, stay safe, and try not to shit your pants, Drew.