Tuesday, November 25, 2014

College Football Week 13


Even Lebron hates the Buckeyes.



Woof.  What a boring slate of game this week.  I love all the fuckin dweebs and wieners out there pretending to give a shit about Yale vs. Harvard.  You don't care.  These are probably the same assholes that think Army vs. Navy is a must see game.  Stop pretending to care about boring football played by shitty teams.  The only thing worth mentioning is Harvard's FG kicker wears glasses under his helmet like a fuckin poindexter.


LOL

I would think that a smart guy like that would understand how contacts work.  Unless he's doing his best to never get laid in the sport with the highest pussy success rate.  Anyway...here's what happened outside of nerd football.

Michigan vs. Maryland

This game was about as exciting as a rusty nail up the dick hole.  This Michigan team is so fucking bad.  If Hoke somehow pulls off the scam of the century and keeps this job, I will arson the entire state of Michigan.  In all honesty, there's no way he's back.  Hoke just lost his 7th recruit from the 2015 class over the weekend.  HE GONE.  With this amazing loss to Maryland, Michigan now needs to beat Ohio to be bowl eligible.  The LOL Bowl.  Tell ya what...I am not going to miss Devin Gardner 8-15 yard sacks while he foolishly tries to make something out of nothing.  I've never seen a quarterback effectively play a wide receiver out of the first round of the NFL draft but Gardner may have pulled that off this year.  Maybe Funchess comes back because of Gardner's level of suck.  Maybe there is one silver lining of Gardner being a total fart in a greenhouse on a 120 degree day in Arizona.

Ohio vs. Indiana

LOL.  Watching Fuckeye fans sweat for four quarters was a beautiful thing.  Nice "style" win at home over the worst team in the Big 10, losers.  Lesbihonest...Indiana was never a real threat to win this game.  But they DID accomplish what every Ohio hater in the country was praying for.  They kept it close enough, long enough to make every last panel member question Ohio as a playoff option.  I'll say again...I don't know how a loss at home vs. Virginia Tech, and close wins against two bad Big 10 teams makes someone a National Title contender.  If the committee is consistent, Ohio should fall slightly in the rankings this week prompting a Grade A bitch fest from a "woe is me" Cakes.

Louisville vs. Notre Dame

LOLOLOL!  Don't be surprised if someone finds the corpse of Kyle Brindza floating in a shallow ditch somewhere next week.  Serves him right for wearing those fucking nut hugger, above the knee jersey pants.  I loved the sideline shot after the missed FG of Brindza blaming the holder for him fucking up a chip shot.  A shitty kicker who can't take accountability for his own shittiness.  Sounds like a guy I want on my team!  Someone should pepper this cock waste's locker with Ray Finkle garb post haste.  Notre Dame losses are like eating your favorite ice cream out of a virgin's pussy and afterwards someone handing you a brief case with a million in cash.  Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Ole Miss vs. Arkansas

Looks like Ole Miss's dream season is officially over.  I really thought this team might be the best in the SEC a few weeks back.  But that was before Laquan Treadwell exploded everything below his knee.  I also forgot about the Eli Manning stench fog that looms over that program.  Big factor in their collapse that cannot be ignored.

Oklahoma vs. Kansas

I hope Melvin Gordon wasn't too attached to that single game NCAA rushing record because...IT GONE!  It's now the property of true freshman Samaje Perine from Oklahoma after Gordon held it for only a week.  Kinda feel bad for the little guy...

Boston College vs. Florida State

Is there any doubt that Jimbo Fisher has made a blood pact with the Devil?  I guess the only thing I have to look forward to is Lucifer using Fisher's tender anus as his own personal jiz hole for eternity when he dies.  This has got to be the most unimpressive undefeated team since the 2002 Ohio Buckeyes.  Someone is going to beat these criminals before the 4 team playoff has been finalized.

Well.  We have arrived at Michigan/Ohio week.  OBVZ the Fuckeyes are going to be huge favorites in this one and I am fully expecting to get blown out.  But crazier shit has happened so I will continue to hold onto a glimmer of hope that we can shock the fucking world.  I'll be making my very first trip to Columbus for this game in a decision I'm sure I will fully regret.  Fuck Ohio.



Fucking pussies.

Monday, November 24, 2014

The Worst of Week Twelve Vol.VIII

Whatever.
Remember how we talked about dysfunctional shit-stack franchises on Friday which was headlined by the constant idiocy of the Washington Redskins?  Well, they topped themselves yesterday morning when someone within the organization let it leak that they were prepared to bench RG3 if he struggled again.  Name one other team that publicly announces an ultimatum...I'll wait.  That's because no one else does this.  Everyone is already well aware of what is on the line the rest of the season.  Continuing to run your business poorly is quite unnecessary.  Change the name.  Move the team to LA or London.  Bomb the stadium.  Do whatever it takes.  Now I have seen the light...the Washington Redskins are the most dysfunctional franchise ever.  Sorry that it took me so long to see the light.  I don't think that I've ever hated something that I love (other than She$ obvz) more than I do the 2014 Redskins.  FUCK.  THEM.

Yesterday's hangover - I got bombed beyond recognition in support of child abuse or something.  It was the first time that the wife and I had been out socially since the baby.  Man, it is fun to drink a lot.  It is NOT FUN to deal with the consequences.  Sorry toilet.

Jonas Gray - You idiot...Belichick just loves to wipe his dick all over flash in the pan guys.  Oh sure, you got your SI cover this week.  How's zero meaningful touches sound as a follow-up.  My guess is that Billy B has no sense of humor at all but he probably would have enjoyed a Jean-Paul Jean-Paul excuse for being late.  SEPARATE KNOB, WHY, SEPARATE KNOB!  And fuck LeGarrette Blount.  That piece of shit doesn't deserve anything but a prison cell.  The Lions didn't find the end zone for the second week in a row.  That should end A LOT on Thursday.

TY Hilton - Oh, thanks, jerk.  You scored a touchdown for your baby girl on the day that she was born.  Adorbs!  Well, fuck you, bruh.  Way to make the rest of us look like SHIT.  You know what I did for my baby girl on the day of her birth?  Called her by the dog's name twice.  I scored no touchdowns.  Hilton is an asshole.

Brian Hoyer - I know that a win is a win and I subscribe to that theory very frequently.  BUT, if Hoyer wasn't fucking abysmal all day against a god awful defense then there is no need for a last second drive.  Speaking of which...

Mike Smith - This guy is a horrible coach.  His play-calling in the two minute and weirdo usage of timeouts were THEE reason why Atlanta lost a game that the opposing QB was just dying for them to take.  Let's also not forget about Mike Pettine who equally does not understand the proper way to use timeouts.  This was not a game in which someone won.  No, this was a game where a team lost less.  Josh Gordon looked legit though.  Loved the Browns saying 20-30 plays as if everyone was fucktarded and would believe that.

Aaron Rodgers - Hey, the Pack look great but when Teddy Bridgewater's rotten ass has more passing yards than you do then you will be getting called out here for that.

PHI/TEN and HOU/CIN - Don't care.  All of these teams either suck FagNasty or are pretenders.

Lovie and McCown - Way to unleash some vengeance on the shitdicks that dumped you.  I think that Tampa turned the ball over again and Lovie did something classy.  I assume that Prime or Larry watched this poop.  Did Lovie lose a challenge like the old days?

Bruce Arians - Nothing worked at all and that was bound to happen and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal.  BUT, Arizona looked really shitty.

Keenan Allen - You could make a case that the second year receiver is the most disappointing player in 2014.  Sure, he scored yesterday but he also had two killer fumbles.  And the refs absolutely fist-fucked the Rams on that PR TD.  There wasn't anything close to a hold on that play.  Who care though because fuck the Rams.  I'm not going to be on Team Gregg Williams ever.

The Miami Dolphins - These guys aren't going to make the playoffs and it's a damn shame because IMO they are the third best team in the AFC.  They've lost a few killers this year but I truly believe that they would go into Indy and win a playoff game.  A valiant effort in Denver indeed and they probably would have won if they figured out that the Broncos only play is the Demaryius Thomas WR screen.

Colin Kaepernick - Yeah, the Redskins lost again and barely did anything but while the world is focused on the QB drama in DC, it might be time to stir some up in SF.  Kaep blows.  He isn't good, like, at all.  As far as the Skins go, I barely paid attention and it felt great to invest so little time in that team.

HOLY SHIT ODB! - I'm writing this up pretty much right when Beckham made the catch of the goddamn forever.  That dude is so sick.  Just a reminder that the Lions took a garbage TE over this stud (taking it easy on the Browns this week).

FANTASY! - Well, my OTHER LEAGUE is over and I have pretty much clinched last place for the second year in a row.  SWEET!  Burke and Burke alone eliminated me from LFL playoff consideration although it would have been tough anyway.  That's fine because my G$FL and MSFL teams rolled and one of those teams is going to win a title this year.  DEAL WITH IT.

We've got two Monday Night games tonight although I'm not sure if the BUF/NYJ game is televised nationally.  I hope it is because I want to watch Sammy Watkins PWN that disgusting secondary indoors.  The other game should be fun, too.  You know what isn't fun?  Baby germs.  They are the worst. Your baby is secretly trying to kill you at all times.  That is a FACT.  I was hungover, fighting baby lupus germs, and ran 3 miles in the rain anyway.  This was pretty much my Michael Jordan Flu Game moment.  FYI, we will be dark Thursday and Friday so no Ape this week.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

Friday, November 21, 2014

G$ Ranks Dysfunction

How's my new Death Star coming, Darth?
Have you been following this week's drama/diarrhea surrounding my Warrrrrrshington Redskins?  Hoo boy, it's been a real blast.  You see, there is a big difference between rooting for a shitty team and rooting for the shitty team in DC.  If you're just a Bills fan or whoever, they just lose and they do it quietly.  But if you are a Redskin, you don't just get embarrassed every week.  Oh no, it is a rule that you stab your teammates/coaches/anyone else in the back for the rest of the week, too.  The losses are only a small part of the shitshow that defines Redskins Football.  I come for the horrible defeats to bad teams but I stay for the media barbs, excuses, and unnecessary blame game. 

I thought that I would end the week with a list.  IMO there are 8 distinct professional franchises in the big four sports that truly embrace dysfunction.  Anyone can lose.  It takes something special to be a door mat AND make your loyal fans want to pull the old Jovan Belcher.  That's who we're going to celebrate today...the Worst of the Worst.  You might be surprised to not see the Dallas Cowboys on this list.  They probably should be due to horrible mismanagement but whatever.  Here's my list:

8. Los Angeles Dodgers - You probably didn't expect to see them here but I think that this is a terribly run organization (although that will likely change soon with that Rays guy coming aboard).  They don't do anything except throw more money at their problems.  Somehow, they have a MUCH higher payroll than the Yankees do but with barely any results to justify the money spent.

7. Toronto Maple Leafs - These are pretty much the Dodgers on Ice.  They will give gigantic contracts to average at best players and haven't won anything in a billion years.  It's funny because they have really loyal and overly sensitive fans who think that they are the league's signature franchise.  Nope, the Leafs are the Maple LOLZ.

6. Philadelphia Phillies - They refuse to rebuild even though everyone has known that they needed to be stripped to the core years ago.  Even now, rumors are flying that everyone is finally available but the asking prices for Lee, Hamels, Rollins, Byrd, Howard, etc. are through the goddamn roof.

5. Washington Redskins - The owner is a fucking imbecile.  The GM Bruce Allen is a dolt who got this job via nepotism.  We have the inferior Gruden coaching who is WAY too honest to the media and then always has to apologize for said honesty.  Jim Haslett is apparently unfireable even though he is the worst.  The QB blames everyone, can't stay healthy, and loses the locker room a little more every day.  The Redskins currently have a top ten offense AND a top ten defense and are 3-7.  THIS.  TEAM.  SUCKS.

4. Los Angeles Lakers - When you are paying an 80 year old Kobe Bryant 25 million dollars and have Byron Scott as the head coach, you are a rotten organization.  Jerry Buss's son has all the makings of a Simple Jack reincarnated.

3. Oakland Raiders - You knew these guys were showing up today.  No Coach.  A GM who will be getting fired.  A Heisman winning QB that probably isn't the answer.  They have a terrific young LB and that is about it.  This team has somehow drafted worse than the Redskins.  I didn't think that that was possible.

2. Philadelphia 76ers - They tell their fans that they are trying to win.  Somehow they do this with a straight face.  This team could easily go 5-77 this year.  And for what?  They are now on their second straight tank season and the NBA just made it harder for the worst team to win the lottery (even then, the worst team hardly ever gets the #1 pick).  They keep spending high picks on injured big men.  The people who decided that this was the right path will be fired long before this strategy shows any promise.  I feel awful for those fans.

1. New York Jets - Without question, the Jets are the most dysfunctional franchise in sports.  Their soon to be fired head coach once had a sex scandal with his wife's feet.  How this is possible I will never know.  The owner's lesbo daughter committed suicide before.  They haven't had a decent QB in 40 years.  Fireman Ed can get fucked so hard.  Their fans only exist to yell "SHOW YOUR TITS" at football games and to boo whoever they draft even if the player is good.  They are a little brother in a stadium that they have to share.  LOL Plaxico Burress.

I'm sure that there will be some blow back (Sons of Anarchy term!) for not having the Redskins at #1.  I get that.  But I do believe that there are 4 franchises right now being run worse than my own or at least more embarrassingly.  One thing is certain, RG3 better get his shit together these last six weeks.  I don't know what the future holds for him, but he is beginning to lose any and all defenders in DC (including me).  See you on Monday.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Open Forum: I Had an Interview

She seems friendly
I had an interview yesterday after work that I didn't think was going to come about so quickly. But it did, and lasted forever, and it's late now and I don't feel like putting forth a bunch of effort for you neanderthals.

I'll talk a little bit about my opportunity to get away from the anus of our society, but I thought that interviews were an interesting open forum subject that we have never discussed here. So what was your worst interview? What was your best? Like did you ever have an "AHA moment" during an interview where you just knew your answer was fucking brilliant? I had one of those last night and it was great. And maybe Damman will explain the never ending gravitational pull that Naptown has over former residents.

My worst interview ever had to be right after I graduated from Toledo and was still looking for employment in the city. I applied to some Cardinal Health position...I'm sure it was some sort of case worker. But my interview was in the hood and I lied my ass off on my application because it was a last ditch effort to not move back in with my parents.

The biggest lie I told on this application was that I was fluent in Spanish. Now at the time of graduating I could grasp some Spanish. I took it for 3 years in high school, and another 3 semesters in college, but I was far from fluent. So the first part of the interview went fine. I had some pretty solid internship experiences in undergrad and a couple letters of recommendation from experienced professors, one of which was a Johns Hopkins grad and allowed me to do quite a bit of research for her. Talking about those experiences seemed to resonate with the lady interviewing me. Then about halfway through this little spanish conquistador comes walking through and I am informed that the next part of the interview will be conducted in Spanish and talk about the clients I will be serving in the neighborhood, with the majority being Latino. Oh man, I put up a good fight. Every word started with either "Yo tengo" or "Yo no tengo" and then just went to hell with a bunch of spanglish mixed together. She was a good sport about it, though. She didn't just out me and tell me to get the fuck out. She just smiled as a stumbled through all this bullshit and then politely told me they would call me if I was chosen. Surprise! Yo no tengo trabajo!

That's the only interview that I know I bombed. I'm sure there are several people out there who had the pleasure of interviewing me who disagree.

As far as my newest opportunity goes, it is a welcome relief compared to what I typically have to deal with. I spent my work day before the interview being in restraints for a combined 2 hours. That's two hours of having to physically control elementary school students. And one of those hours was spent with kid who came to our school for the first time today! He went an impressive 3 hours before finally giving up. He also had incredible placement of his heel strikes. George St. Pierre would be proud.

 I'll still be working with people in need of mental health assistance, but these people will already be gainfully employed and not in need of basic needs like housing, transportation, food or crack. So we'll see where this goes. My facebook posts/ work stories will be much less interesting if something does come of this. I will also have less bruises and spit on me. A tough decision will need to be made.

Other ideas for conversation:
- The Spurs probably dominated the Cavs at the Q last night. CHAMPIONSHIP! Cavs announcers are fucking awful. Pop's still the greatest. (HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. #ANTI-CLUTCH)
- The Rockets probably dominated the FaLOLcons last night and protested the GLASS BOWL. CHAMPIONSHIP! #MACtion
- The NFL and Roger Goodell are handling the Adrian Peterson situation...however the fuck they want.
- The CFB Playoff committee's rankings look exactly how they should; Bama, Oregon, FSU, and Miss St. in the top 4. The Buttguys are dependent on other teams losing, but odds are they will get their shot if they win out. I really hope that doesn't happen.
OK. Comment.
- Dog stories are always welcome, too.
- Best Mexican dish: A. Taco B. Enchilada. C. Quesadilla D. Burrito E. Chimichanga. DEBATE.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Open Forum: Your Preferred Coaching Job

LOL Coach Lambeau Fields
I've made it pretty clear here over the years that I am one of football's finest minds (to go along with every other sport obvz) and thus I know when someone sucks and needs to go.  I LOVE the season for firing coaches.  There are very few feelings better than getting rid of a shithead and trying to figure out who the knew guy will be.  So far this college football season, we've already gotten rid of Charlie Weis and Will Muschamp this year (as well as June Jones but fuck him).  That simply isn't enough.  I think that the writing is on the wall for The Hokester, Tim Beckman, and Mike Locksley at Virginia though.  Other than that, in the Power 5 conferences, I just don't see many firings come down the line.  I feel cheated.

Now, if these schools weren't pussies and buttfucking the status quo forever, Steve Spurrier, Pat Fitzgerald, Mike Leach, and Kirk Ferentz would also be gone because at some point, you have to move on.  And it isn't going to be the coach.  If they are not living up to expectations, then wipe your ass with their past.  Get out.  I'm especially talking about Spurrier who has barely worked at all since moving to Columbia.

Anyway, I want to spend today acting like a big shot up and coming coach who has offers at all five of those open (or soon to be) jobs.  I have not paid my dues at all.  I just walked in to practice at ELITE University four years ago with a whistle, clipboard, skin tight short coaching shorts, a boner for up-downs, and a plan to win.  And boy did I.  My teams run the pro style offense to perfection while destroying the opposition with punt block on every play.  Most are envious of my successes at ELITE U but there are still some skeptics.  I've got offers on my ribs table from Kansas, Illinois, Virginia, Michigan, and Florida.  Which one is best for Commander G$ (shedding the Coach label for one with more respect)?

Kansas
PRO: Absolutely no shoes to fill...I am immediately the best coach in school history...no expectations whatsoever...less fat than 2 of the three previous coaches and way less black than the other one...KUBoobs
CON: It's fucking Kansas...it will always be a basketball school...I assume that there is no talent

Illinois
PRO: Play in terrible conference...Midwest is a fertile recruiting territory...good history for the program...also very small shoes to fill...outstanding fight song
CON: Middle of nowhere...awful stadium...long considered a dead end job

Virginia
PRO: None...uh, I bet the schools are good maybe
CON: Everything else...extremely high STATE TAX...this program has been irrelevant forever

Michigan
PRO: Replacing an idiot...I'm told that there is talent...very rich history that every fan will remind you of even if you didn't ask...good facilities...garbage conference allows for quick turnaround
CON: Most of the good players are in jail...idiotic fanbase and boosters who have openly rooted against the last two coaches for the most part...absolutely zero juice in the program...no QB...unrealistic expectations

Florida
PRO: SEC SEC SEC...if I'm the best (and I am), prove it here...NO STATE TAX...unlimited recruiting resources...savage defense already in place...no shoes to fill...Tebow's speech plaque
CON: Iceman season ticket holder...no QB...ridiculous expectations of national titles immediately...insane competition...might have to work hard to best ELITE coaching in the conference

VERDICT!  We can eliminate Kansas and Virginia ASAP.  No way is the Commander from ELITE U taking a step down to go there.  I'm also going to pass on Florida due to not wanting to work that hard and the Iceman Factor.  That leaves Michigan and Illinois.  Either one of these shitbag schools is paying me 5 million a year no matter what. ELITE don't come cheap.  I like a challenge but I hate being second-guessed and criticized by assholes which means I'm going to partner up with Chief Illiniwek.  Look, Champaign has been a place for decent coaches to die for decades now but I actually think it is a good job if they would ever hire the right Commander.  With a little elbow grease, you should OWN the area from Chicago to Indy to Nashville to St. Louis.  That's a pretty big area to mine for players with little in the way of competition (fuck you, Notre Dame).  I know that my superior intellect and schemes will win most games but you need talent to win them all.  I'll get that easily once I institute a brilliant system of booster handouts that would make Jimbo Fisher blush.

So there you have it: Commander G$ is taking over the Illinois Football Program not because it is the best job, but because it is the best fit with the largest room for growth and the lowest amount of knuckle-dragging mouth-breather fans.  And if it doesn't work out, fuck it, I'm still way more ELITE than you.  Do you agree with my pros and cons?  Would you take a different job in the scenario played out in front of you?  How OVERRATED would your team be?  Discuss.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

College Football Week 12


"I make jersey pant shorts look gooooooood."



Holy fucking hell.  I don't get sick often but when I do...it destroys my life for a solid week.  I can't remember the last time I was this ill from something non booze related.  If I had to guess, I would say this is what dying feels like.  By Friday I was cutting out the middle man and dumping my meals directly into the toilet.  Not fun at all.  Hopefully today all is status quo inside my body.  Michigan was on a bye this week but Frank Clark made sure the Wolverines didn't stay out of the spotlight for long.  Clark was jailed over the weekend for probably allegedly beating the piss out of a woman.  But at the end of the day you really can't blame Clark for his actions.  Playing for Ted Ginn Sr. would turn almost anyone into a violent, laptop stealing, woman beater.  UPDATE:  HE GONE!  Frank Clark dismissed from the football team.  Good to see the program do the right thing.  Nice life, thug.  Enjoy prison.  Let's get to it.

Dancing Coaches

This is quickly becoming one of those annoying Internet trends.  Have some fucking self respect and stop awkwardly thrusting your crusty body around in clumsy white man convulsions.  It doesn't make you sweet or help you identify with your players.  It makes you a schmuck and a joke.  GIVE IT A REST!

Clemson vs. Georgia Tech

Commenter Jeff loves him some Cole Stoudt!  Stoudt looked TOTES prepared to play Saturday after DeShaun Watson was hurt...again.  DeShaun TWATson is more like it, amiright??  I saw on Twitter Stoudt had to be consoled by a team mate after getting benched then turned inside out by the coaching staff in front of everyone.  Get ready for hilarious QB play for the foreseeable future, Clemson faithful.  Word on the streetz (as of Saturday) is TWATson has a torn ACL.

Ohio vs. Minnesota

Okay.  Before we get to anything.  What the fuck is this amazing shit!?



LOL!  It's the middle of a college football game and this chubby sow is plowing through a Dilly Bar.  "Ice cream helps me coach better.  Back off!!"  Now, on with Ohio fans chest thumping a win over Minnesota.  This game just felt over in the first half despite Ohio doing everything in its power to keep the Gophers in it. Jalin Marshall was the second best player for Minnesota on Saturday while pretty much fucking up at every turn.  On the flip side, David Cobb is somehow one of the most UNDERRATED backs in college football and should be a steal for someone on draft day.  Real quick...how was Elliott's "Ab Game" on Saturday, Droolz?  LOL.  In case anyone cares (they don't) Cakes was his usual whiny bitchy self about this game on Twitter.

Florida State

This program has officially crossed the border of insanity.  Just when you think FSU can't get anymore like ESU from The Program, another hilarious story about the inmates running the asylum pops up.  And there's Jimbo Fisher in the middle of it all with his slimy handshakes and his greaser smile.  I'm not sure how fans of this football team can still defend what's happening in Tallahassee right now.  But they will because they support rape and are awful humans.  A monumental fall has to be on its way.

Nebraska vs. Wisconsin

Melvin Gordon is one sick bitch.  I know it takes a lot these days for a running back to win the Heisman but this has to vault Gordon firmly into the discussion.  It has to.  It's hard to believe this Wisconsin team lost to Northwestern.  Who the fuck loses to Northwestern?!

Notre Dame vs. Northwestern




Poor Larry.  Poor Brian Kelly.  Poor Notre Dame.  Just kidding.  Fuck everyone associated with Notre Dame.  Now would all of you please individually apologize to everyone in the world for being little cunts about that FSU loss and the fact that no one respects Notre Dame.  We were right to question everything and you owe us at least an apology.  Notre Dame is a bunch of fucking frauds.  Always have been and always will be.  Eat a foot long Pat Fitzgerald dick sammie.  Extra pubes.

Arizona St. vs. Oregon St.

I don't think ASU was ever a real contender for the playoffs so this loss is insignificant unless you happen to be an ASU fan.  I guess Ohio fans can be happy they're a spot closer to not making the 4 team playoff at the end of the year.  Overall, let's not forget the most important part of this game...it's always great when a team beats Notre Dame and then follows that up with a bad loss the very next week.  Soak it in.

Alabama vs. Mississippi St.

This game had snooze fest written all over it before the coin was even flipped but it turned out to be pretty decent.  Alabama looked damn good Saturday and found a way to neutralize Prescott pretty much throughout.  I love all of the SEC haters out there.  And by love I mean I hope they drown in horse semen.  It's was incredible watching them piss and moan how the SEC is treated differently when this score was 5-0 in the second quarter.  "If this was so and so and the score was this everyone would be..." blah, blah, blah.  Shut the fuck up, already.  If you really don't think the SEC is by far the best conference then throw yourself into a wood chipper.

TCU vs Kansas

The ghost of Charlie Weis' clogged arteries was alive in well in this fucking weird ass game.  Kansas' stadium was comically empty for a game the Jayhawks were in the entire way.  I don't get that.  Kansas football tickets have to be free to students, right?  There's no way the school can realistically attempt to sell these to students.  Having said that...wouldn't you, as a student, at least want to go to the games against the good teams like TCU?  Even if they weren't free?  If nothing else it's a blowout at half time and you can leave happy that you saw one of the better teams in the country live.  I don't know...maybe Kansas students would rather go fuck pigs instead.

Auburn vs. Georgia

/throws a stack of papers in the air.  I'm fucking done trying to figure out Georgia.  They're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad.  Whatever.  With how crazy Georgia's season has been, I guess it makes complete sense that as of right now unranked Missouri and not #15 Georgia would be playing in the SEC championship game.  Figure that one out.

Todd Gurley ACL

RIP

Florida State vs. Miami

Ahhhhhh.  The Criminal Bowl.  What a fuckin game.  Florida State jizzes rabbits feet, apparently.  But I guess just as much credit goes to Al Golden for being a complete vagina in the 2nd half.  My Lord...how many more times can FSU do this before they get burned?  It's gonna happen eventually, right?!  I want to say that Brad Kaaya is a stud in the making but we've been here before with other Miami QBs, haven't we?  Meanwhile, Jimbo Fisher continues to be a villainous dick sack.  "It's just how we do things at Florida State", he smugly spewed in the post game interview.  Get fucked.  If Fisher raises his children with the same blind eye he treats his football players with, I would say his son should be a full blown crack addict by 13.  And no one would be surprised or feel bad.  Some people just deserve a steaming, nutty turd on the chest of life.

Helluva week in college football.  So many good games.  For a second it looked like a huge playoff shakeup was going to happen but I'm not so sure it does.  I think the top four goes Oregon, ROLL DAMN CHILD (ELITE Facebook reference), Mississippi St. and then FSU.  That makes the most sense to me based on what I saw Saturday...even though I don't think FSU should technically be in there.  There are other teams that I think are better but you can't exactly boot an undefeated team in a power conference who happens to be the defending champ.  Even though that would be sweet.  That's all today.  Fuck off.

Monday, November 17, 2014

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.VIII

This guy has nothing to do with anything today but he looks EXACTLY like my Uncle Rob.  Why is a coach eating ice cream during a game?  I absolutely must meet this hero.  I have so many questions. He looks like a guy with all the answers.
It seems like at least half the movies ever made have had a scene where some lonely guy is sitting at a hotel bar spilling his misery to a hooker and saying things like "I missed everything because of this DAMN JOB".  He's usually talking about a failed marriage or kids that hate him or a gay son or whatever.  Saturday, She$ and The Penny (man, I really should have pushed for Penny...that would have been a logical name) went back to Nap to visit her parents and I stayed at home with the dog because it was a worthless visit and made little sense for me to go since I would have complained the whole time.  Well, if you subscribe to my NAACP Award winning Facebook feed, you probably saw that Penny rolled over for the first time.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, this means very little.  She rolled over.  Big fucking deal.  But I am sad that I missed it anyway.  I can't help but wonder if this is just the beginning.  Will I miss more firsts due to my illustrious blogging duties?  I don't want to do that.  At least the wife recorded it so that's cool.  I vow to be there when Penny says her first word (it will be "ELITE") and her first sentence ("Mom, you are OVERRATED").  The moral of the story is that you should never feel ashamed for laying on the couch in complete silence all day with both of your hands down your pants.  Let's talk football.

Leodis McKelvin - I believe that he GUARANSHEEDed a win over Miami on Thursday and followed that up not winning AND breaking his leg or something.  ELITE prediction!  The only thing left for the Bills to do is fuck up the Browns first round pick spot.

FUCK YOU, WASHINGTON PIGDICKS - What a disaster.  I mean, they bring in the Seal Team Six Bin Laden killer guy to fire them up on Saturday and then do nothing on Sunday.  That guy should kill this franchise.  The Redskins, coming off of a bye, lost by 20 at home to Lovie Smiff.  They had LBs covering Mike Evans one on one.  This.  Team.  Sucks.  We had two weeks to prepare for those losers!  Unreal.  Worst team in the league.

Atlanta - They are now leading the South at a robust 4-6 despite being fucking terrible.  They deserved to lose yesterday.

The Saints - Everyone on this team sucks except for (shockingly) Mark Ingram.  The Dome used to be the toughest place for opponents and now a ginger piece of shit can dominate them there.  Bonus points to that asshole Saints fan for stealing the ball from the BenGAL.  I haven't such shitbrick behavior from a fan since Peter King stole a foul ball from a little kid.

Peyton Manning - Say what you will about Tom Brady, but he makes it work with whoever he has to throw to.  Julius and Emmanuel both go down and Manning is WORTHLESS.  I guess it isn't that easy if you don't have incredible players all over the field.  This was the biggest upset of the season.  22-7 to the Rams!

ELITE Manning - Somehow, Peyton wasn't even the worst Manning of the day.  The way that this family worked yesterday, Cooper was probably killed in a stampede and baked onto one of Papa John's Fritos abortion pizzas.

Teddy Bridgewater - This guy is worse than Geno Smith.  Yeah, I said it.  The Bears can't cover me and Teddy didn't complete a pass to a WR until the second half.  What a loser.  By the way, yesterday was the first time in a month that the Bears attempted a field goal.  LOL!

High Expectations - Yep, we should have seen this coming.  The Browns being in first place was going to last as little time as possible.  They were dominated at home by a bad team and basically played as if they didn't have any gameplan other than "turn it over" and "make backups look ELITE" with a little "JJ Watt do whatever you want".  Browns are still way more of a pretender than a contender.  And yes I will change my opinion on this team from week to week.

Marmalard Rivers - The Chargers beat a shitty Raiders team and it was an awful game.  Rivers got his ass kicked which had to delight America.  We don't spend much time at all complimenting the Raiders and rightfully so but Khalil Mack is a STUD and probably should be in the Pro Bowl as a rookie.

Not really anyone in the SEA/KC and DET/ARI - Those were two good games and four good teams.  The Lions just couldn't get anything going but no one has been able to do much in the desert.  I suppose that they guy responsible for covering Michael Floyd sucked.  And Damman tells me that Jerome Booger had a bad game.  I'm sure that that was true.

Mark "El Shitbox" Sanchez - If you bought into Nacho's redemption story then congrats on being dumb as fuck.  This guy isn't winning big road games.  I expected the Packers to win big (maybe not THAT big) but I continue to believe that the Eagles are frauds.  Don't give them any special teams touchdowns and they are in trouble.  Mr. Ace lost an in-house bet to his Packer-molesting wife so I think he spent the evening getting pegged or something.  Ape sucks.

FANTASY! - I'm just ignoring my OTHER LEAGUE at this point.  It looks like I'm going to beat Prime in the MSFL and Lange in the LFL which will continue my incredible Cinderella story.  Burke is going to beat me in the G$FL which sucks because his team blows and no one scored on my team this week.  At least I get Josh Gordon and probably Adrian Peterson next week.  Good luck, f-sackles.

That will do it for this week's round-up.  It looks like the NFL is stuffing the Steelers up our asses again tonight.  Well, if they can lose to the Bucs and Jets, completing the triumverate with a loss to the Titans should make for a fun watch, too.  FUCK YOU CAKES!