The Wanted Rematch: Your Super Bowl 46 Prediction

I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blogs creation. This is the 6th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. Five years ago, I successfully predicted a Colts win and cover. In 2008, the numbers favored the Patriots but without covering. In year 3, it had the Steelers by 14. In 2010, we called for a Saints upset victory. Last year, we swung and missed more than Adam Dunn as we liked the Steelers to lose yet cover but were thankful that they FAILED MISERABLY. So to sum up, the system is nailing the winner at 80% and the spread at a 60% clip. I expect to get back to our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I think that the Giants beat the shit out of New England. The score will be close, but the Giants will man-handle the pussies from the northeast. They are more physical and nothing has really changed, in my opinion, from 5 years ago. But enough about what I think, let's analyze this thing:

QB – This comparison a little closer than it was 5 years ago and rightfully so. Brady may be married to a billionaire supermodel, but Eli—well, Eli can’t compete with that all. The first time these two teams met in the Super Bowl, I gave Brady a 5 point bump. This time around, he’s more like a field goal better. Patriots +3

RB – New England probably features the worst stable on running backs in the league. Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis and Woodhead are just bad, bad football players. On the other hand, even for an underachiever, Brandon Jacobs is a goddamn tank and Bradshaw helped me win a DFL Title this year. Giants +4

WR/TE - This one is tough to grade. The Pats have ELITE weapons like Welker, Hernandez, and Gronk N-word. Deion Branch is OK, I guess, but pretty irrelevant. The Giant trio of Nicks, VIC, and Manningham is quite awesome as well. Sure, Jake Ballard and Bear Pascoe sound like a duo that star in gay porn movies together, but they’re OK with what they do. I’m going to give the check to the Giants here because of Gronk’s gimpy wheel and my burning hatred for Ocho Cinco. It would be a travesty if he got a ring this way. Giants +2

OL – Now we start getting into the portion of the post where I make wild, baseless claims out of necessity since I don’t know much about the next four units. Both of these teams have lines that have primarily been together for awhile. The Pats have a guy named Sebastian while the Giants have a guy that has been fucking Tom Coughlin’s daughter for years. I respect the latter way more. Giants +2

DL – Oh come on, I’m not giving any points to Gerard “Big Money” Warren! The Giants often play 4 defensive ends at the same time. That is ELITE. Giants +6

LB – Hmmmmm, I’ve heard of Jerod Mayo, Rob Ninkovich, Michael Boley, and Chase Blackburn. I assume both teams have more than two linebackers. Whatever. Patriots +3

Edelman learned a lot from James Harrison at Kent State.

DB – Neither team has a good secondary but I’m giving the check to NYG for one reason: I like to play “Guess Which College” during NBC games when the players say where they went to school (Jared Allen, Culinary Academy!). I’m pretty good at it. I think the best that I’ve ever done is 10 out of 11 for the Steelers offense. Anyway, at some point later on in this season, the Pats were playing on Sunday night and when it was time to introduce their defense, they had two guys on the secondary that just had their picture. No audio. Nothing. That tells me that those guys blow. Giants +2

K/P – Gostkowski and Tynes are both average to above average kickers. Steve Weatherford is not nearly as cool as ZOLTAN though. Patriots +5

Return Game – I hate Julian Edelman. Fun fact: I won a fantasy title this year with Giants KR, Jerrel Jernigan on my bench. He had zero catches this season. Giants +2

Coach – I’m going to catch Hell for this, but I don’t care. You know what, in 2012, I believe that Tom Coughlin is just as good as Bill Belichick is. That is to say, I think that Ol’ Red Face has a tougher job and does it well. Eat shit, I’m giving the points to Coughlin. Giants +1

City - Boston fucking sucks and is getting to be waaaaaay too cocky about their sports team's successes these days. New York is the best city ever (even with the recent outbreak of Ide-itis) and features the best baseball team ever (not relevant, just wanted to point it out). Do you really think that I would give any points to Boston here? I don't care if I have family there. Boston needs a good jihad. Giants +5

Fans - Patriots fans are just dumbed down Red Sox fans. Red Sox fans are the most vile, despicable people ever. You will never meet a Pats "fan" that knows who John Hannah is. But I also hate Giants fans. Yet to their “credit”, I loathe Cowboys and Eagles fans more. Giants +2

Celebrity Fans - Well, this one is pretty simple. The Pats have Ben Affleck, John Cena, and Bill Simmons. The Giants have Carl Brutananadilewski and probably Spike Lee. Not even close. Giants +4

Organization- You have to respect how the Pats do business. As big of a douche as Bob Kraft is, he's hired a bunch of smart people, that's for sure. I don't even know who the Giants owner is, I know it used to be the guy with the Orville Redenbacher glasses, but he died. I can't give points to a dead guy. Mara something, right? His daughters are actresses. One is hot as shit and the other “hangs dong” (shows rack) in the Dragon Tattoo movie. Let’s win this one for Myra!!! Patriots +3

Against The Spread - New England is 9-7 against the number this year.  Huh, I thought that they would be better than that.  The Giants were 9-7-1 ATS in 2011.  You know what, I haven't penalized the Giants for getting slaughtered by the Redskins twice.  Patriots +7

Add it up, bitch... (The lines that we're going on are New England -2.5 and the O/U of 53.5)
The Money Shot likes the Giants to keep up their trend of beating the Patriots by a score of 30-21.  That means that I also like the UNDER as well.  I said it yesterday and I still mean it, defense wins and the Giants defense is awesome.  If the G-Men can shut down Rodgers then they can do it to Brady, too.  I'm picking the immortal VICTOR CRUZ as MVP.

As far as our playoff contest goes, this is how it looks:
13-7: Prime
11-9: G$ and Li’l Strut
9-11: Drew and Dut
8-12: Ide
7-13: Damman and Jeff
6-14: Seal, Brady, Iceman, Andrew, and mdrgolf (you guys are just awful)
--make an MVP prediction, too, just in case there is a tie.

It comes down to the three smartest commenters here for a chance at the title.  Like I said yesterday, it's nachos and BBQ beef sandwiches at the Mansion for the big game.  I will also be running the live journal so no booze for G$.  Enjoy the last game of the year, boys, because it's going to be awhile before we get to watch guys kill each other again.

Prop Joe On Prop Betting

Fool, if it wasn't for Serge here, you and your cuz both would be cadaverous motherfuckers.

We’ve waited long enough. It’s time to start focusing on the last real football game until Labor Day. I don’t watch Sportscenter much anymore so I have not yet been strangled to death by the analysis of stupid people. If you have been, I’m sorry, but that’s your fault. You should have known better. Tomorrow, we will actually be getting out my old 15 pronged (just like your mother’s favorite dildo) Super Bowl predictor to figure out who will win on Sunday, but today, we analyze the betting.

Daily reader and occasional anonymous commenter, Reba (formerly the Hottest Bartender in Columbus, if you remember), is celebrating his 31st birthday today. Buke, if I forgot to send you a text, then Happy Birthday. To celebrate, he is heading up to Las Vegas for the weekend. We have had a couple of marathon text sessions regarding Super Bowl gambling. He wants tips from me because he knows that I am ELITE. Well, I’ve done the dirty work and am ready to make everyone money (because I don’t gamble as gambling on sports is a SIN!). I have listed my top ten favorite Super Bowl bets for this weekend (with #1 being my most confident bet). They are below.

BONUS! Peyton Manning will play for the Redskins next year at 4:1. This just feels like such a Snyder move. The Jets are surprisingly 2:1 and the Dolphins are 3:1, but I think that the Li’l General will go nuts and sign Pey Pey and Reggie Wayne. Because he is insane.

10. Longshot MVPs – LESBIONEST, this award is 95% guaranteed to go to either Brady or Eli. But I cashed in a few years ago on Santonio at 15:1 and thus I will always recommend throwing a little down on someone else. For New England, it pretty much has to be Gronk, right? I don’t know what his odds are, but that is about the only option. For the Giants, I like Jason Pierre-Paul as a sleeper. He is a goddamn freak and he will get at least 2 sacks. In a low scoring game, if JPP goes for 3 sacks and a fumble, you could make a killing.

9. Total sacks (both teams combined) O/U 4 – OVER. Neither QB moves very well. The Giants could get to 4 by halftime.

8. Ahmad Bradshaw total carries O/U 14.5 – UNDER. This just feels like way too many so I researched it. In 3 playoff games this year, Bradshaw has only had more than 14 carries once. I don’t know why this number is so high. The Giants would be stupid not to throw on that defense and if they want to pound it, you use Brandon Jacobs.

7. Times that the David Tyree play are shown O/U 1 – PUSH (can you bet a push?). You can bet your ass that it gets shown at least once, but I can’t think of a reason why it would be shown more than once. I suppose if I had to pick one, I’d take the over though. Maybe once in the first half and then again if the Giants are driving late in a close game.

6. New York Giants +2.5 – I don’t need your pick until tomorrow, so I will just say this. The 2011 Giants are way better than the 2007 Giants. The 2011 Patriots are way worse than the 2007 Patriots. For as great as Belichick and Brady are, they seem confused as shit by this Giants front four. And also, I was driving to Oxford this Fall and was listening to one of those radio shows by Johnny Vegas or whatever giving out betting tips and Johnny dropped a really interesting stat. Over the last 5 years, teams that are 2.5 point favorites cover the spread less than 30% of the time. That is sort of amazing (if true). So make a note of that if you gamble…if you see a 2.5 line, take the underdog always.

5. Wes Welker total receiving yards O/U 76.5 – OVER. Brady isn’t going to get a lot of time to look downfield which means a lot of checkdowns and hot reads. That is the name of Welker’s game. Also, this feels like one of those games where Kevin Faulk will be annoying and get a bunch of touches. If you can find a book that offers Faulk bets, take the over.

4. Number of times Peyton Manning is shown on TV DURING the game O/U 3.5 - UNDER. NBC is pretty professional with their coverage. They know that the story is the GAME, not the brother of the starting QB. If they show him all the time, NBC will get slaughtered in the press for it so I think that they keep the cameras on the field.

3. Number of Zoltan Mesko punts O/U 3.5 – OVER. Really? Have you see the Giants Defense? The Pats will punt 4 times in the first half. Plus, you can bet on ZOLTAN MESKO!

2. Victor Cruz total receiving yards (doesn’t matter what the number is because it’s going to get obliterated but if you care, it's 89.5) – OVER. He’s going to be covered by Julian Edelman for the majority of the game (which is a HUGE mistake). Actually, you might want to put 10 bucks on DFL Legend Victor Cruz for MVP.

1. First Half O/U 27.5 – UNDER. I love this bet. First of all, the O/U on the game is way too high to begin with. But you all know how Super Bowls work. The first two or three possessions for each team is a conservative, “feel ‘em out” process and the first quarter usually ends 3-0 or 7-3. I GUARANTEE that the first half under hits here just based on the nerves and teams needing to settle down. There won’t be enough “in the flow of the game” possessions to get to 28 points.

Thoughts? Got your own props that you like? WANT TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT PEYTON MANNING NON-STOP SOME MORE??? Go get ‘em. And remember to wish only Reba a Happy Birfday.

Open Forum: National Uggggggggh Day

I choose to fuck over The University of Ohio State.

OK, here's the thing: Do you know how many of you sort of hate it when the site takes a day or two to talk about pro basketball? I know this and am aware of this which is why I try to save that stuff for when it truly matters or is huge news. That is EXACTLY the way that I feel about recruiting. Wednesday is a big day. The rest of them aren't. In the simplest terms that I can imagine, SHUT THE FUCK UP. You will have your day where I will allow it. Today is not one of them.—G$, 1/30/2012

But today is. Recruiting talk is permitted since National Signing Day is right now and it actually matters at the moment. Take advantage of this one day reprieve from the norm now because I’m not going to re-open the gates of this conversational Hell often. Get it out of your system. Drool all over 18 year old chiseled black kids while you still have a chance because tomorrow, you are done. That’s it. No more.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “That’s it? That’s all he has planned for today?” Yes. I’m not stupid. I’m not going to waste my time with my typical brilliant original content. I know that whatever I might have done would just get trampled by “RBN 4 LIFE” garbage. So this is it. Go for it. Yell at each other. See if I care. After all, it’s Bring Your Fleshlight To Work Day at the office and I’ll be pretty busy with that.

ONIONS!!!!!

                                                "BLACK GUY!!!!!!!"


For those of you who aren't Facebook friends with me (just ask Grumpy how fulfilling it is) you will be interested to know that I have discovered something earth shattering.  Peanut butter made from honey roasted peanuts.  FUCKING ELITE!  Easily cracks the top 10 in most memorable/best purchases in my life.  It rightfully knocked my pineapple slicer from the ranks and back into the "Joe Flacco: I thought this would be way sweeter than it actually is" category.  If you have the means I highly recommend...it is so choice.  Onto more pressing news.  I decided that we could all use a little more basketball here.  So from now on what I've decided to do is make Tuesdays, basketball Tuesdays.  We'll alternate between the NBA and college hoops since it appears there's a lot more basketball fans here than I originally thought.  Today is all things college.

Harrison Barnes is not ELITE - I've seen quite a few Norf Carolina games this year and I gotta say...Harrison Barnes looks pretty fuckin average to me.  My moment of clarity was when Florida State got buck nasty with UNC and Barnes just laid back and took it.  Like a runaway 16 year old strapped to a rape stand doing anal for quaaludes.  I guess I just expect more out of a guy who was supposed to be a lottery pick last year and 17 PPG doesn't get me very rigid.

Wisconsin is soooooo God damn white - This team looks like they're fourteen bedsheets away from a Klan rally.  The funniest thing about this team is Jordan Taylor.  Total 100% white kid name and is from Minnesota, arguably the whitest state in America.  I can just imagine Bo Ryan traveling there all fired up to see some blond haired, blue eyed, cream colored dreamboat tearing shit up.  Except when he gets there and sees Taylor he's more shocked then I was a week ago when I woke up covered in dog piss.  I bet at that point he just said, "Fuck it.  We drove here so I guess we're committed now."

Kentucky - Totes the best team in college basketball.  I hope no one argues this.  But when you ignore all the rules like Calipari and pay your players, it makes sense that wherever he coaches is usually the New York Yankees of college basketball.  But I bet if you show any of those kids a 4th grade math problem you could reduce them to tears.  Especially Anthony Davis.  He's let that unibrow go untamed for this long so I have to assume he has the IQ of an egg fart.  That thing is fucking tremendous.

Syracuse - Taking this team past the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament will be a crucial mistake.  This is the weakest #2 team I have seen in years...maybe ever.  Plus they lost to Notre Dame who somehow has ANOTHER guy on their team that looks and plays exactly like Luke Harangody.  I'll never understand the desire for a 6'9" white guy who can't leap over a fucking paint can.  Anyway, this is about how Syracuse shouldn't be in the top 10, not about Notre Dame's thirst for nonathletic Mark Madsen clones.  Take this team to the ELITE 8 and lose to your mom in the NCAA pool again.

The Zags are back to underdog status - Remember when Gonzaga started becoming everyones favorite Cinderella?  Remember when Gonzaga snuck up on everyone like a dog fart and butchered everyones tournament bracket?  Remember when every dumb bitch that filled out a bracket picked Gonzaga to win it all and you laughed at them relentlessly?  Remember when Gonzaga had that guy who was like 35 and fuckin fought off a bear who attacked him? (Pretty sure it was Gonzaga...but guess what?  It is now!)  Remember when Gonzaga stopped sneaking up on people and Butler took over that role?  Well, I think Gonzaga may be up to their old tricks again.  They're like Sweedish Fish...they're always around but you just kinda forget about them and how fucking delicious they can be.

Next week we're gonna talk some NBA and all of you will most likely get something you come here every week for...Iceman eating crow.  But that's reserved for next Tuesday, dick sniffers.  Since we talked about OSU and Michigan yesterday, that's off limits.  SO IS FUCKING URBAN MEYER RECRUITING, BRADY.  Hope that was loud and clear enough for you, ya fuckin twat.  Eat my shit.

Your (and My) Super Bowl Live Journal Warm-Up Show

Dammit, there was no football this weekend.  Did you all notice that?  That sucked!  We've got a whole other week still of pointless, fabricated storylines and the dreaded Media Day before we can end the season in style.  I plan on doing another Live Journal for the Super Bowl itself which is always a fan favorite around these parts.  So what about today?  Do I talk about the Pro Bowl and my beloved Blue Shirts?  The NHL All Star Game (coming to Columbus next year, fucko!!!)?  My thoughts on Moneyball (which I watched on Saturday and actually enjoyed it)?  Nah, how about I get into the Live Journal spirit and do one for practice for the Ohio State/Michigan basketball game!  That effects many of us and should be good game (it better be if I'm going to run of these).  So let's get to it!

12:50 - Obviously, we already have Hokeamania but I think that, to make the rivalry between the schools legit, Urban Meyer needs a wrestling related nickname as well.  Thoughts?  Rowdy Urban Meyer isn't doing it for me and he doesn't give off a Nature Boy vibe to me.
12:51 - The winner of today's hoops game will take over sole possession of first place in the Big "Ten" which is the best conference in the country this year.  Intrigue!  This game has it.  Is it the only game between these two rivals?  I think I saw that it was.  Stupid.
12:58 - I dislike local sports wonk, Dom Tiberi, so much.  Speaking of the local news, I saw Andrea Cambern at Target once and she is hot.  Swear to God.  She looks much better in person than on TV which is weird.
1:00 - Oooooooh Kevin Harlan and Bill Raftery!  I can dig it.  It looks like CBS was able to find Sullinger and Trey Burke's mugshots from high school.  Those are terrible pictures.

1:05 - UM ass-coach, Bacari Alexander, with the dumbest pregame speech of all time regarding "stepping up".  He should be fired for that.
1:06 - Always bet on black.  Fuckeyes start one white man while UM features two.  anOSU will win because of that.
1:07 - MAN-TO-MAN!!!  Lay-up by Jordan Morgan!  O-VER-RATED!!!
1:08 - TH2 FO THREE!!!  5-0 Wolves!  37 straight wins at home for Matta...pretty ELITE stat.  Speaking of ELITE, Prime texted me on Saturday night to let me know that he was eating at the ELITE Cafe in San Fran.  ELITE eating decision.
1:10 - Mac From Night Court (to be referred to as MFNC from here on) with a three.
1:11 - Stu Douglass voluntarily steps on the out of bounds line because he sucks.  And another turnover by Stu because, again, he sucks. 5-5.  Dunk by Sullinger and the Bucks take the lead.  7-7 at first media TO after Buford takes a stupid charge foul.

1:15 - I'm going to spend the commercial break talking about Jared Sullinger.  First of all, "Jared" might be the least black first name ever.  Second, his nickname isn't and shouldn't be "Sully".  Sully is short for Sullivan and it is what dumbfuck Red Sox fans are nicknamed.  Come up with something new that doesn't make him sound like a Masshole.  Finally, he was better when he was carrying that baby fat.  Yeah, I said it.
1:16 - Raftery: "Novak, you can't leave this kid alone" right before he misses a wide open shot.  Zack Novak is the worst.
1:18 - And-1 for Lenzelle Smith, Jr.  I heard him interviewed on the radio last week and he came off very smart and likable.  I was shocked.
1:19 - And-1 for Sullinger because putting the terrible Evan Smotrycz on him is a LOLZ idea. 13-9 anOSU.
1:20 - Novak chucks up a three that hits only backboard.  Then he sucks the cock of someone in the front row...looked like a stranger. Under 12 TO, still 13-9 and getting sloppy.

1:25 - I kind of like Jordan Morgan.  Novak misses again/slurps jizz.  By the way, I really like UM's blue road unis over the yellows that they sometimes wear.  That is all.
1:28 - Smotrycz from deep!  Someone get him some ProActive!  TH2 airballs a three.  This game kind of sucks.  The pace eats doo-doo butter.  NOVAK MISSES A LAY-UP!  TERRIBLE PLAYER!  Under 8 TO, 16-15 UM.
1:30 - I just started watching Homeland On Demand on Saturday.  Solid program.  And that was your random thought for this TV timeout.  Pitbull and Bud Light?  Whatever.
1:35 - Smotrycz "elbows" MFNC in the face.  It totes didn't land.  Give MFNC an Emmy right now!  DeShaun Thomas is a pussy ass bitch for that queer move.  If Ed Hightower was doing this game, he would eject MFNC for wasting everyone's time.  Elaborately, natch.
1:37 - Although maybe Smotrycz hit MFNC in the face with some of his zit pus.  McLimans on Michigan?  The fuck?  Michigan has 4 white guys on the court right now!

1:40 - Under 4 TO, 19-18 UM.  This is rotten basketball.  I am more interested in She$ searching for Valentine's Day gifts that I should buy her and I am NOT interested in that at all.  Keep in mind, this is the same woman that wouldn't give me Christmas gift ideas because she likes to be surprised yet is all about getting what she wants two months later.  Never get married.  It is a constant mind-fuck.
1:43 - Aaron Craft can solve a rubix cube in less than a minute.  I would rather watch that than this game.  How many 40 footers has UM shot?  At least 8.
1:45 - William Buford misses a wide open 3 just to remind everyone that he still plays.  His consistency sucks.  Buford should be way better by now than what he is.  anOSU is on a 6-0 run which would be a 40-0 run in a normal game of basketball.
1:47 - STU 4 2!  21-21!  Michigan is taking Bacari Alexander's words to heart with their "stepping up"!  Good God, that was terrible...much like this first half.
1:50 - Pizza Face Smotrycz and Shannon Scott throw up a pair of turds to take us to halftime.  The miserable score is 24-21 Fuckeyes lead.  I'm going to kill myself.  If I fail, I'll be back for the 2nd half.

2:03 - The Royal Rumble PPV is tonight/was last night.  Did you know that the inaugural winner of the Rumble was Hacksaw Jim Duggan?  HOOOOOOOOO!!!  I should be watching Duggan tribute videos on YouTube instead of watching this shitty game.  Second half coming up...

2:07 - Michigan starting the second half MAN-TO-MAN!  Stu for three ties the game at 26 and it looks like both teams are playing basketball now.   A pleasant surprise as Craft answers with a trey of his own.  HOOPS!
2:10 - Text from Damman: "I had no idea that Michigan had a Burke and a McLimans...getting pretty close to St. Augie's basketball".  TRUE DAT!  I played on those legendary St. Augustine Saints teams!
2:13 - Ted Valentine is emoting calls like Ed Hightower out there today.  I love it.  Trey from Trey gets us back to a one point game.  Now we're playin', yo!  Under 16 TO, 36-33 anOSU.
2:16 - Random thought during the commercial: I have no idea how to spell Beilein and I don't think that I ever will be 100% sure how it is spelled.  It doesn't really bother me either because John Bielien looks like the kind of guy that would be into having sex with dead people.  My wife is eating a Fun Dip right now which doesn't even hide the fact that it is just pure sugar.  I'm totes jelly of her.  I didn't even know that they still sold that stuff.

2:18 - Lenzelle has 13 and 9 already.  Damn, those numbers really snuck up on me.  Buford the Friendly Ghost with a steal and slam puts the Fucks up 7 and UM needs a timeout.  I am staring daggers into the wife right now...I WANT THAT FUN DIP!
2:22 - Thoughts on "The Urbantaker"?  It's growing on me because he's a badass yet also dead.
2:23 - Craft with a sick move to the hoop for an And-1.  "Fuck you, Morgan" (courtesy of the late, great James Doakes!) with his 4th foul and this one is starting to get out of hand.  PLEASE, keep it close for my sake.  McLimans baits Sullinger into his third foul...he learned that move in the AUGIEDOME.  Under 12 TO, OSU up 42-35.
2:26 - I would love to murder those "that was so 27 seconds ago" guys for AT&T.  No judge or jury would ever convict me of this "crime" because they deserve to die.

2:29 - According to CBS, the court is Sullinger's oyster.  This means what exactly?  Update: Zack Novak has not scored yet.  ME LIKEY.  Buckeyes up 11 now...might as well be 50.  This is over.  John Beilein is already thinking about his midnight morgue trip.
2:31 - Trey Burke takes and makes a terrible three pointer.  I've got to be honest, Lenzelle is winning me over today.  Not ELITE yet, but a solid glue guy.
2:33 - Is that Evan Smotrycz or a jar of strawberry preserves?  COUNT IT!
2:34 - What is the opposite of momentum?  Because that should Buford's nickname.  TH2 hits a three and we're back to a single digit difference.  Under 8 TO, Fuckeyes up 50-41.

2:37 - Text from Drew proves that he is at the game today inside of Cheap Furniture Arena.  That makes him the second biggest douchebag there as he will never be able to top Buckeyes ass-coach, Jeff Boals.  That guy is a shit sniffer.  Nice D&G eyewear, cocksucker.
2:39 - Michigan has not shot a free throw yet.  There are 7 minutes left in the game.  I blame Jerry Dunn.  Does UM even run an offense other than "shoot contested three from NBA range"?
2:42 - The big marquee underneath the scorer's table is bragging about a national title from 52 years ago.  God, I hate anOSU.
2:44 - Sullinger SWATS the life out of Zack Novak and runs the floor for a THUNDEROUS slam.  Beilein needs a timeout as this one is beginning to look like it's over.  Burke nails a three though.  I wonder if his dad is a speech teacher.

2:46 - Under 4 TO and Ohio State is up 58-46.  I just saw Greg Paulus on the Fuckeye bench.  That's embarrassing.  Not as embarrassing as Charlie Coles, but embarrassing nonetheless.
2:51 - I can't believe that I've made it this far without asking if TH2 hates fags as much as his daddy?  By the way, Michigan just shot their first free throws.  It only took them 37 minutes to get there.
2:53 - If I was still in college and the big head cutouts were in style, I would TOTES bring a Doink The Clown head.  That would be tremendous.
2:55 - Less than a minute left and anOSU is up 13.  Oh well, at least it was close even if the play was shitty.  William Buford puts a Rob Schneider upside down exclamation point on this game with a fluke turnaround jumper.  Final 64-49 Ohio State.

Final thoughts: Lenzelle Smith, Jr. was the MVP of the game.  Michigan's style of play is brutal.  Both teams need to play MUCH better than that if they want to play in a Final Four this spring.  I can't put my finger on the reason why I believe this, but the Buckeyes just don't look right to me.  And finally, I am so ready to live blog the shit out of the Super Bowl next Sunday.  BRING IT!  I hope you enjoyed this.  I'm picking up my DFL Trophy tonight...seems like a good sentence to end this live journal on.

Here's Someone That We Can All Hate

You take that goddamn shirt off right now, fucker.

The first time that I heard Terrelle Pryor speak, I knew that I was going to hate him forever. When I read about Bryce Brown, I felt the same way. Just one look at an 18 year old Jimmy Clausen damn near sent me on a homicidal spree. Sometimes you just know right away that you are going to loathe someone whether they’ve done anything wrong or not. And today I would like to announce that even though he is still in high school, I already despise Notre Dame commit (at least for now), QB Gunner Kiel from Columbus, IN (Oh God, I’m talking about recruiting…NOOOOOOOO!!!).

I’ll give some back story to winners like Prime and Grumpy and Seal who don’t live and die by college football recruiting. Kiel initially committed (around a year or so ago, I think) to Indiana. It probably had a lot to do with new coach Kevin Wilson being an offensive guru and a little to do with being close to home. Either way, I found it sort of noble that one of the nation’s ELITE quarterback prospects would try to rebuild such a terrible program. He seemed determined to be a local hero. Not only would he be BMOC in Bloomington, but had Kiel been half as good as recruiting services think, he would have been skull-fucking a new sexy coed every night for the rest of eternity. And in today’s day and age, it doesn’t matter where you play because you will be televised and pro scouts will see you.

But alas, Indiana blows. Gunner (not Nelson) realized that he didn’t want to waste four years on a bad Hoosier team, so he de-committed from them and pledged allegiance to Les Miles. Why he felt that he needed to verbally commit at all, I do not know. I really hate the whole verbal commit thing anyway (since stupid kids change their minds all the time) but that is beside the point. Either way, he made a lot of enemies at IU by shitting on them and decided to head to the Bayou. Oh, he was a “verbal Tiger” for about 30 seconds before de-committing (again). This time it was because mommy and daddy didn’t want their little Gunner to be so far away. WHAT A FAGGOT FAMILY!

A few days later (my timeline might not be 100% correct on this, but its close enough), Gunner Kiel announces that he will attend Notre Dame in the Fall (just like Sean Astin and Mateus!). Les Miles, not wanting any pussies in his program, didn’t even bother coming up to Indiana to convince him to come South. He just let him go (and rightfully so). Mark Schlabach was on ESPN the night of this decision and pretty much crushed the Kiel family. The reporter said that the Kiels pretty much went through the depth charts of all the big problems that had made offers, identified the programs without much competition under center, and made their choice based on that. Basically, Gunner Kiel went through three schools in six months and settled on the one that would be the easiest. Yes, he is going to South Bend because he doesn’t want to have to compete. Kiel wants the starting job handed to him.

FUCK. THIS. KID. And definitely fuck his mom and dad in the gash. This is just one of the many reasons that I hate recruiting and National Signing Day so much. 18 year old kids are shit weasels and no one should give a prolapsed uterus about what they say or do. Gunner Kiel is a perfect example of this. He made a mockery of the entire (flawed) system and left two programs twisting in the wind because he and his family are morons.

I look forward to the first time when Brian Kelly goes all “angry, red-faced troll” on him on national TV for the entire world to see. I can’t wait to see how this mama’s boy reacts to that. Anyone want to bet that Ma and Pa parent the same way that Craig James does? In a way though, Kiel and the Irish are a perfect fit for each other. Douchebags deserve to be surrounded by other douchebags at a place designed by and built for douchebags. It truly is a match made in Hell.

In conclusion, fuck Gunner Kiel and fuck Notre Dame. That is all. And I probably just opened the comments up to a whole shitstorm of recruiting mumbo-jumbo. In that case, fuck me, too.

LeBron James Wants To Come Home...Wait, WHAT!

Stop mocking Mike Utley, you sonofabitch!

On Tuesday night, chapter of 5 of LeBron vs. Cleveland took place down in Souf Beach. The Cavs played hard (but not smart), LeBron was terrible, and somehow Chris Bosh single-handedly beat the talented, but not good, Cavaliers. I don’t ever like to see my boys lose to that fucktard egomaniac, but I’ve gotten used to #6 continually shoveling shit on his hometown. I'm sorry--he isn't FROM Cleveland.  He's from Akron which is waaaaaay different even though it isn't at all.  Clear?  Thought so. 

We’ve been over this ad nauseum here but The Decision and the fallout from that was something totally different and never before seen in the sports world and is likely to never be replicated again. Or are we approaching “The Reversal”? Are you ready for the apocalypse?  I hope you're sitting down for this.

Per Fox Ohio’s Sam Amico (from 1/24):

Now, there is talk that James is less-than-thrilled with certain aspects of the Heat organization. Sources in Miami (which is TOTES Brian “Fatty Windmill” Windhorst) say that while James still thoroughly enjoys playing alongside fellow stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, he doesn’t particularly care for the heavy-handed and disciplined style of team president Pat Riley.

James can opt out of his contract at the end of the 2013-14 season, and speculation is he will strongly consider it if Riley remains in his current role. And the team James would be eyeballing most in free agency, say those close to the situation, would be the Cavs.

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK? You can’t write things like this when my psyche is still fragile! I have not recovered fully from The Decision yet despite my gruff and sexy demeanor!  How am I supposed to deal with this news!

But back to LeBron, can this guy ever commit to anything long term? Even if this never happens, I’m willing to bet that he’s at least considering it. Otherwise, why would anyone be talking about it all. Now, this is a LONG way from being a reality and probably won’t happen anyway, but let’s just imagine that on July 1, 2014, LeBron James decides that he’s had enough of playing with his “super friends”.

1. Leaving Miami would be an admission of failure or wrong-doing and LeBron doesn’t do shit like that.  Let me be clear, LeBron James has never ever been wrong about anything according to LeBron James.
2. Without knowing cap situations, I would imagine that the Lakers (Kobe should be gone by then) or the Knicks would be way more attractive.
3. There is no fucking way that LeBron and Dan Gilbert can work with each other again. NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Let’s put all of that aside though, what if he truly wants to come back home? What happens then? Would the fans welcome him back? I mean, these people got taint-punched on national TV and the entire world saw it. That wound hasn’t healed yet and it may never. Would he apologize? I doubt that which gives me no reason to forgive him.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last 12 hours; trying to gauge what my reaction would be if that backstabbing sumbitch donned the wine and gold again (one more time, we are way too far away from this being a possibility but the internet was built for shit like this). I am well aware (Iceman) that I helped create the global icon monster and maybe I deserved to be raped by a thousand humble pies. But what do you do when that monster comes back with his hat in hand? Goddamn this hypothetical situation fucking sucks! I honestly have no idea how I would respond since I never considered it to even be a remote possibility. I just assumed that I would spend the rest of my days rooting for him to break his legs.

After much thought (and obvz this could change if this scenario appears to be a potential reality), I say “fuck him”. No. The door is not going to be left open for your return. You moved on and so did we. The Cavs franchise isn’t some skank that you call up at 4 AM after striking out at Aztec. It’s about principle.  I like to think that my fellow Cavalier fans would agree with this sentiment.  If he wants to walk away from the Basketball Philadelphia Eagles, he can set his sights somewhere the fuck else.

But seriously, can you imagine if he opts out in 2+ years? That would be some wild-ass shit.  He would be hated by EVERYONE. I look forward to it.