The Money Shot Eats Hog Tomorrow...Literally!

And we'll wash it all down with a few Thurmanators.

“If Tim Tenor wins, I will drive to Columbus and buy ribs at the place in Grove City I can never remember the name of for all the Money Shot regulars that show up.”—Grumpy 1/5/2012

Now we all remember the story behind this, right? Grumpy was so crippled by his white trash Steelers fan DNA that he decided to give himself an ultimatum that absolutely no one else was asking for. And if you recall, his precious team of cheap shot artists and toilet sex connoisseurs were properly vanquished on Wild Card Weekend by the man, the myth, the legend, the guy that makes Brady Quinn cry: TIM TENOR. Many of you thought that this day would never come. Well, bitchcakes, IT HAS ARRIVED. Today…is RibFest Eve.

Here are the nuts and bolts for tomorrow’s RibFest festivities.
*WHO? If you comment frequently, congratulations because you can get free BBQ from Grumpy. If you read but don’t comment, you are still more than welcome but don’t be a mooch. You pay for your own food. Hellraiser mentioned that he wants to come but would buy his own out of respect. This is a proper attitude to have. Basically, if you have any reservations at all about whether you qualify for the Grumpy Freebie then you should just plan on bringing your wallet.  Is Ide coming back from NYC for this?  When does Prime land?  Is Naptown Wolverine still alive?
*WHAT? I mentioned above what this is all about. I shouldn’t have to do it again.  Just a reminder that we're only making the dude buy food.  Drinks are on you.  Yes, whoever is unfortunate enough to wait on our table is going to be furious with this request.
*WHERE? The place that will be slaughtering hogs, cows, and chickens for us by the barrel full is Barley’s Smokehouse. The address is 1130 Dublin Rd., Columbus, for you out-of-towners that may be GPSing the place. It is pretty easy to get to as it is right off of the Grandview Ave. exit on I-670.
*WHEN? Let’s try to all be there by 5 pm so we can sit by 5:15 at the latest. I assume that the place will be dead around this time so we can all wave our penii around to the wait staff.  You know, just to show them who's boss.
*HOW? How did this come to be? Just say a thank you to our boy, TIMMY TENS, for allowing all of us to get together.  Who would have ever thought that Tim fucking Tebow would have been able to assemble us all at the same table?  I'll tell ya, that might be his greatest miracle.

In all honesty, I have been pumped up for this for a very long time. Many of the legendary commenters from this great site will finally gather in the same place at the same time to break ribs, make terrible first impressions, and, I assume, be wildly inappropriate.

As far as post-dinner goes, the hockey game featuring #15 Miami and #17 Ohio State has apparently done well at the box office so far. I guess that the 100 and 200 levels are pretty much sold out. That’s fine by me. It only costs $5 to get a front row general admission seat in the upper deck anyway. And, you know, you can buy beer. I have said this many times, but I would bet that almost all of you have never been to a college hockey game before (way different atmosphere than an NHL game). I suggest giving it a shot. These schools do not like each other at all, they are both fighting for an at-large birth in the tournament come March, alcohol IS sold, and we’ll be out of there before 9:15.

Also, I will be holding a tutorial on fleshlight usage at my house at 3 pm. Tickets are on sale for $10.

So let’s get a head count today. Who’s in for dinner? Hockey? Post-hockey titty bars (the dirtier the better)? Gentlemen, the time is now. Getcha bibs ready. Happy RibFest!!!

Gentlemen, Start Your Hatin'

ATHLETE!

Between my Hate Index from last Friday and The Iceman’s hate-filled manifesto from the other day, tensions are running high around these parts. Not really, I guess, but I still have a fair amount of bile at the pit of my ten pack abs that could use some spewin’. In case you aren’t a gear-head or don’t buy logs of Skoal, The Daytona 500 is this Sunday. Oh man, is there anything better than the Super Bowl of Racin’? I THINK NOT. How do you make a great American event like the 500 even better? Why, you get John Cena to be the “start your engines” guy, naturally! Auto Racing has to be the only sport that runs their title game first and then plays the regular season, right? This makes sense to MUDawg’s kin, I’m sure, but to no one else.

A couple of years ago, I actually tried to appreciate the “sport” of racing. It didn’t take. Tony Stewart was winning races while weighing in at 450 pounds; it just made no sense to me. I haven’t watched any part of any race in over three years probably. I regret nothing. Cars and speed just don’t interest me as much as zombies and Arlo Givens. I don’t like auto racing. It is a waste of time. Granted, without it, Dut would have never met his boyhood idol, Carl Edwards, but NASCAR can get fucked. Is it still popular? Is it still the largest growing sport in America? I’d bet that whoever came up with that stat is also the same company that says that CBS is America’s most-watched network.

So today, I’m going to rank my five least favorite sports. Some of these I have previously ranted about so there might be links to old posts if I’m feeling saucy.

5. Tennis – There are a few reasons why tennis sucks. The first being that no one from America is any good at it and the best players in the world have names with over 40 vowels in them. Second, the technology and stremph has made it nothing but aces. Long points are good. Rocket serves are not. Finally, not one man on the tour has any personality at all. Andy Roddick is only interesting because he gets to suck on Brooklyn’s knobs and that is something that I would very much like to accomplish today. I feel like tennis has just embraced the dull.  And that's fine because I don't want to watch it anyway.

4. Lacrosse – It’s just your typical sport for rich, white asshole kids. The only famous lacrosse players out there are Steve Stiffler and the guys at Duke. Needless to say, this sport breeds rape.

3. NASCAR – I’ve already ranted enough. How about a sub-rant? My three least favorite drivers that I hope pull an Intimidator are:
a. Kyle Busch – He should probably be playing lacrosse.
b. Tony Stewart – acts like a tough guy…is most definitely not a tough guy
c. Carl Edwards – This is mostly just because he had sex with Dut and looks like Chris Barnes (my least favorite bowler ever)
Joe Gibbs still rules the world though. He and my boy, Denny Hamlin, are going to, uh, win a ton of races while watching our Redskins return to glory!  Oh, you want me to make a prediction for Sunday's left turn-a-thon?  Ummmmm...Jimmie Johnson?

2. MMA – Bunch of meathead closet-queers. Read this. I realize that every fighter and fan of this stuff could kill me in 5 seconds, but it still sucks. The pussy in me says that glorifying violence is bad for the children! Pro wrestling is much better and more realistic!!!

1. Soccer – I respect nothing about this game. I wrote about it more during the Women’s World Cup horse manure in the Summer. I was rooting for the Lady Nips in the Finals out of sheer spite for this crappy sport.  And don't get me started on that ferry Euro shit that dickheads try to tell you is the most popular sport EVER. It is not a beautiful game because beauty isn't defined as "lame as Grumpy's dick".  I could kick every soccer player's ass.  FACT.

So, let’s get some more stuff off our chests today. I’ll just get it out of the way now: Other than “because you are a racist”, why do you hate the NBA?  GO!

What To Do With RG3

AND he knows where all the white women at!

The never interesting NFL Combine begins this week (it may have already begun for all I know) and, for as much as I love the Draft, I just can’t get into it. Sure, we all love to watch Rich Eisen run the 40 (no we don’t), but other than that it is painfully dull. But the Combine brings with it the unofficial start of the new year for your NFL team. And that is a good thing because new players mean new excitement and dreams for the fans.

If you are a fan of a terrible franchise like I am with the Washington Redskins, then this is a great offseason. The Skins somehow have almost 50 million to spend under the cap. This is almost unbelievable with the way that the organization has been run until you realize that they have no talent. So there’s that. But the best part is that the team should be getting its “rock” soon. They are not alone. The supply and demand for quality franchise-caliber signal callers is pretty much even this year. Whether it be through the draft or free agency, the handful of teams that have zero hope under center should be able to rectify that problem as long as they are aggressive.

Let’s see: we’ve got Indy, Washington, Cleveland, Miami, and probably Arizona seeking upgrades at QB. And, soon to be on the market are Luck, RG3, Peyton, and Matt Flynn. Needless to say, but you don’t want to be the team left standing debating the merits of Jason Campbell and Kevin Kolb. So what is the point today, you ask? Last week, Todd McShay (who I hate) wrote that if you want RG3, you are going to have to go up to 2 to get him and that it will be a race between Cleveland and Washington to get there. That, my friends, is more than enough for a post here.

First things first, Robert Griffin III is going to be a good-to-great NFL quarterback. This is not up for debate. The guy is smart as fuck (3.67 GPA in PoliSci at a good school), is accurate, and throws a pretty deep ball. He isn’t a runner like Cam or Vick. He is a pocket passer that just so happens to be a World Class hurdler. He is basically Choco Steve Young. This is the kind of guy that you build a franchise around. When the only negative that you hear about the guy is that he’s just a little too skinny, big fucking deal. Put him on the Donovan McNabb diet for two weeks and there is the extra 10-15 pounds of dough that you desire.

As a Redskins fan, I would do it. I would totally move up to get this kid. We haven’t had a good QB since the miracle Mark Rypien season in 1991. It’s time to get a franchise changing stud. In a division with ELITE, Vick, and Romo, there is a reason why we keep finishing last. To move up 4 spots from 6 to 2, I’d give the Rams my first and 2nd this year and my first next year (likely top ten pick). If necessary, I’d throw in the Raiders 4th rounder this year as well. And I don’t even think twice about it. I’m tired of being irrelevant.

Now, everything that I just wrote about above is EXACTLY the kind of thinking that all Browns fans should have. You are never going to compete in that division unless you finally address the QB position. Let’s be honest here, there is absolutely no reason to watch or care about the Browns. There is no excitement, no playmakers, very little talent, no hope. This team should be playing in front of crowds smaller than what St. Iggy draws. The Browns are POINTLESS. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Yes, you have holes all over. Yes, you need better skill players. Yes, you already need a new OC. I get all that.

But what the Browns really need is a jolt of energy. RG3 would turn you from afterthought to must-see almost overnight. Can you imagine how excited you would be to have an electric playmaker running the offense? Remember what Cam did for the equally shitty and unwatchable Panthers? Yeah, Griffin is better. He will make EVERYONE better almost immediately (even Evan Moore!). The Browns aren’t a very aggressive franchise by nature as they are more inclined to move back than to move up, but this is not the time to do that. Now is the time to grow some balls. Franchise quarterbacks don’t grow on trees and they aren’t easy to come by (as you and I know). Who you have drafted in the past has nothing to do right now. Don’t let Tim Couch and Brady Quinn impact the chance to re-invent your team today.

This is going to sound steep but it is time for the Browns to do something. You can build depth at other positions every fucking year but until you address the QB cesspool, you aren’t going to win shit. Joe Thomas isn’t getting any fucking younger. There are no guarantees that Barkley, Jones, Tyler Wilson, or Aaron Murray are going to be rated any higher than RG3 next year anyway (they won’t). Here is what I offer the Rams if I’m Holmgren: I start with picks 4 and 22 this year and a first rounder next year. Like I said, it sounds high to give up 3 first rounders (actually just two since the first one is a swap). By the way, you don’t have a ton of money to spend this year anyway (after you franchise D’Qwell Jackson) so realistically your only option to upgrade that position is through the draft anyway. Do you like it when I drop research and truth on you?

Do you think that the Giants have any regrets for giving San Diego the moon and more for ELITE? Hell no. If you want him (and you should), GO GET HIM. Let’s not forget who you are competing against either. You have more and better looking ammo than Crazy Danny has, but you still have to beat him. Do not get cocky and stupid and think that he’ll fall to #4. That is the dumbest thing ever. You aren’t bringing Peyton or Flynn to town (because free agents avoid Cleve like the plague). The Browns are going to have to do this in the Draft. FACT. So don’t be a pussy.

Look, if Holmgren is going to be stupid and stubborn, I’m more than happy to have RG3 come to the nation’s capitol. He is going to be awesome (even with the Skins). But the point today is to remind Browns fans that your organization has a chance to change everything on the first night of the NFL Draft this year and actually make you interested in what they are selling you again. They might even make you PROUD. All that it’s going to take is a set of testicles to do that. And even though it would probably lead to my stupid team taking Ryan TanneLOL at #6, it would be a great move by a terrible Browns franchise.

Cleveland or Washington…yeesh, is it too late for RG3 to go back to Baylor?

So You Hate the NBA, Eh?

                  "Sure.  I would love to go to a Maroon 5 concert. But first..."



Disclaimer in case any of these people end up dead:  This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken literally in any way, shape or form.  It is merely for entertainment purposes only within a group of degenerate assholes with a disgusting since of humor.  Again...I do not plan to harm any of the individuals mentioned so lighten the fuck up.

Alright.  Because most of you are crybaby faggots who can't handle a few NBA posts without pissing in your Huggies, I guess I'll cave and write something a little more reader friendly.  Sorry to disappoint Brady, but this isn't a post about which Ohio recruit looks the best completely naked.  Go fulfill your sick sexual desire for seventeen year old boys elsewhere.  Drew can hook you up with some links.

This post is about sweet, delicious blind violence.  Just straight up murdering fuckers who totes deserve it for reasons that can only be justified in my head.  We all have that list of people tucked safely away in the crazy part of our brains who we would like to do terrible shit to.  Today is your chance to let the insane out for a nice afternoon walk in the park.  Real or fictional people are in play here so let's see who you hate the most in the comment section.  But first...Here's my list.

5.  Flo from the Progressive commercials.  I fucking HATE this bitch with every fiber of my body.  I punched a wall once because of this worthless whore.  Not really...but I thought really, really hard about it.  When any Progressive commercial comes on in my car I violently shut the radio off and drive in silence with my jaw clenched for a good 5 miles thinking about how amazing it would feel to strangle the life from this woman.  That's between 50 and 100% true.  I want to make sure that I don't accidentally catch the tail end of her caustic fucking babble.  If I ever see this bitch in public it's gonna take a heavy force to hold back the vaginal uppercut I've been warming up for her.

4.  Adam Levine.  Whenever I hear the song "Moves Like Jagger" I black out completely and instantly.  When I finally come to, the room I'm in is completely destroyed and there is always at least one dead animal that's been skinned with blood on the walls spelling out something in some undecipherable dead language.  GOD!  I fucking hate this guy.  If I ever snapped one day from constant exposure to this band that is certain to be played on repeat in my version of Hell, I would imagine I would stab this son of a bitch at least 47 times.  How anyone can enjoy this band is fully beyond me.  If you like a vocalists who sounds like he's choking himself with his own mother's dirty stripper thong, then saddle up!  Because this asshole is Fozzy Bear with his testicles firmly secured in a C-clamp.  P.S. Fuck you very much for The Voice.  Go drown yourself in Christina Aguilera's belly fat.

3.  Jim Kushlan.  This one is for me...well, and Brady.  Because we're the only one's who are forced to put up with this fucking vaginal discharge of a sports journalist on a daily basis.  He's a local guy who probably let the owner of the radio station watch him get fucked by a broomstick in order to lock down a job.  Just use your imagination while I fillet this fucktard.  There is no bigger pussy on the planet than this guy.  He's fucking clown shoes.  Wanna hear a grown ass man completely change his opinion on a sports topic in about two God Damn seconds in order to always be in agreement with the host?  Look no further than this stuttering anus wart.  It's probably actually a good thing that he has no back bone.  That way he can bend over and effectively chow his own snatch since no one else will come within 20 feet of this fucking troll.  Kushlan sounds like he smells like a bag of cooked sour kraut.  Looking at his picture confirms it.  Worst.  Show.  Ever.

2.  The "That's So __ Seconds Ago" guys.  Well...I mean, all of them can die for all I care because they're all fucking terrible ass people for agreeing to shoot such a stupid commercial for an even shittier cell phone company.  But specifically, the two original assholes at the football game with their beaks jammed into their smart phones trying to find a way to have a sexual relationship with them.  Hey.  Here's an idea.  Pocket the phone and at go interact with something not controlled by a fucking battery.  Go spark up a conversation with a girl so you can start your 8 month plan of moving out of your parents house.  But take it slow guys.  I wouldn't want the first sign of actual cleavage that isn't seen on your smart phone to suck so much blood into your cock that it explodes your heart.  Oh wait.  Yes, I do want that actually.

1.  Anderson Varejao.  If you need a reminder of why this guy deserves to die just watch this.  Just typing that name ups the temperature of my skin five degrees.  I think jail would be a pretty decent consolation prize knowing that I've done Americans across the nation a great service.  Shit...I doubt I would even do time murdering someone so despicable.  Here's my question, though.  WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU STOP TOUCHING EVERYONE??  Jesus Christ!  Have you seen this fuckin guy on the court with his team mates?  It's like he's constantly torched on ecstasy.  Kyrie Irving nails a 15 footer and Varejao is trying to feel him up for the next 90 feet down the court.  Maybe it's customary in Brazil to be a raging homosexual on the basketball court but in America doing things like grab assing your team mates and touching another man's nipples are completely off limits.  Keep your fucking hands to yourself you disgusting Brazilian grope machine.  Go back to doing ridiculous shit like this and giving lustful gazes that showcase your longing desire for boners...like this.

There you go.  A list of worthy candidates to face justified homicide.  I know this mildly rips off G$'s hate post from last week but this is what you get when you piss and moan about my NBA posts.  You get meaningless rants about people I would possibly murder if given the chance.  I hope you're happy...it's gonna take a couple month of therapy to cage this aggression.  Let's end on a happy note.  Watch this.  That bitch Varetwat doesn't even budge with a direct cock shot which further proves my point that Andy is flat like a Ken doll...or he has a vagina.  A big bushy rotten whore vagina.  Fitting for someone who shoots like a girl and acts like a cunt.  Enjoy.

The Money Shot Celebrates Black History Month

As we all know, February is Black History Month.  You know, I've never celebrated it on this here casually racist blog.  Well, that ends today.  On this Monday, we will celebrate the achievements of the black athlete.  So with that said, hide yo kids, hide yo wife because The Money Shot does Black History Month starting...now.

Antonio Cromartie - Who could forget his wonderful segment on Hard Knocks where he couldn't remember the names of his kids?  That was some terrific parenting right there.  Next up: a short story from G$!

Now I’m not 100% confident about the small details of this story but the end result is definitely true. So back in the late 80’s, my dad was at a Cavs game at the old Richfield Coliseum. This is probably in the first few years that Ron Harper was on the team. Considering where Harp went to school, this was a big deal. So after a game, dad was hanging around the tunnel which is where his seats were (maybe he was wearing something Miami to draw the attention of the Ohio Flyer, again, not sure) and #4 came over. Dad handed him the Cavs hat that he was wearing and asked him to sign it. Harper agrees.
Ron: Who can I make it out to?
Dad: Just make it out to (GMoney’s Dad—for unnecessary privacy purposes, let’s call him “Andy”)…you can put it on the bill.

The future five time NBA champ finishes the autograph and hands the signed cap back. What did Ron Harper write for “Andy”?
“To Bill—Ron Harper”. Read my dad’s quote one more time and then re-read this. I swear this is true. That hat is still around the house somewhere. They didn’t pay Harper to think. Like I said, I may have some of the specifics wrong, but the “To Bill” part is fact.

Chris Webber - Even with his coaches telling them that they had no timeouts left, Webber's high IQ gave no fucks.

Lovie Smith - I'm just going to assume that he still has not won a challenge ever.

Knowshon Moreno - In case you didn't hear about this, a few weeks ago the horrible Denver running back got a DUI while driving this car with that license plate.  Remember kids, Knowshon-ing is half the battle.

Daryl Strawberry/Doc Gooden - You've got to love a couple of deadbeats that had all the talent in the world but decided that crack and cocaine were better options.  It seems like the violate their probation every day still.

T.O. - This is very underrated in my mind.  Owens couldn't even kill himself right and his publicist was about as LOL as it gets with her 25 million reasons bullshit.


Ron Artest/Jermaine O'Neal/Stephen Jackson - I was watching The Malice at The Palace live at the time.  I will never forget it.  It was incredible.  Big black dudes running into the stands to fight white trash Detroit residents?  Yes please!

Mo Clarett - I don't know for sure if Maurice would have made anything of himself in the pros, but I do know that chugging Grey Goose in the weight room and getting involved in high speed chases with an insane amount of fire power riding shotgun isn't very wise.  Hey, speaking of Buckeyes, how about a guest story from Hellraiser:

So my Junior year I had the privilege of taking a class with Santonio Holmes. It was the first day of class for the quarter so it was basically syllabus day, however the professor decided to actually teach this day. I remember Santonio showed up 20 minutes late. Since the classroom was basically filled at this point, there was only one empty seat, which was right next to me in the back.

The professor keeps teaching, but Santonio is busy texting and listening to his iPod to pay attention. So every 3-5 minutes, Santonio elbows me to ask what the professor said/copy my notes. This goes on for a while until the professor eventually gets to the subject of 401k accounts and retirement plans. At this point Santonio elbows me and says directly to me:

"401k? Man, I don't give a fuck about no 401k."

He doesn't really whisper this either and some 3 or 4 rows of people turn around and look at us. He then looks at me for some type of response to his "question". I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of  "Yeah, man, this class sucks". He then packs up and leaves, and never shows up to the class again (I think he got drafted shortly thereafter anyway)

Mike Tyson - Yeah, pretty much everything about him.  Although his appearance at the end of The Hangover 2 saved that garbage horseshit sequel.

Plaxico and Mike Vick - Again, you already know about them.  I'm happy to announce that Dr. Martin Luther King died for them.  Think about that.  And finally, a player that I like to think embodies the spirit of The Reverend Jesse Jackson.

March 16, 2003, Gund Arena, Cleveland, OH…Tyree Ricardo Davis is 6 seconds from immortality. He needs one more rebound to achieve all of his hopes and dreams. One more rebound to get an elusive triple-double. One more rebound to make a meaningless Utah Jazz and Cleveland Cavaliers game historic. But the clock is ticking. And he has the ball. What does he do?

"They should be mad," Davis said. "Any team that gets beat that bad shouldn't be happy. But I wouldn't do it again. I just wouldn't. I'd probably be mad, too, losing by 20."  Ricky gives no fucks.  Dude, look at Jerry Sloan's face!  That shit is priceless.  He can't believe what the fuck Ricky just did!

There.  Our tribute to Black History Month has now come to a close.  Please share with everyone any other classic moment that I may have forgotten.  Bow Down.

The College Hoops Hate Index

It’s been a pretty rough week here (as I keep mentioning) as far as content is concerned. But to lead us into the weekend, how about we all dig into our souls and fire off some good old-fashioned hate. With March right around the corner, it’s time for you to start following college hoops again. And with your sights set on the sport, it is also important that you develop a clear hierarchy on who you should be rooting against. Now, I know what you’re not thinking: But G$, that would take forever and ever amen! Don’t you worry about a thing because ol’ Dollar Sign has got your back. Today’s ramblings can best be described as The College Hoops Coaches Hate Index. It isn’t hard to figure out. I list the ten coaches most easy to root against (Guess what? Coach K made the Index in what is a surprise to no one!). So let’s reveal the names.

Dishonorable Mention – Paul Hewitt, George Mason – Damn this man. As we learned a few months ago, Drew thinks that Hewitt is Herb Sendek even though they share no similarities and feature polar opposite skin colors. Fuck Hewitt anyway for not being a pasty white guy!
Hate Rate: 4.9 Ashton Kutchers

10. Bob Huggins, West Virginia – I’ve softened by despise toward Huggy Bear over the years. When he was at UC, he was a complete shithead. Remember when he blew me off at his basketball camp? That was classic! Older Huggy is a little more relaxed and even-tempered and he may have even graduated a player recently. He just barely makes the cut based on his past.
Hate Rate: 5.8 Ke$has

9. Tim Floyd, UTEP – This guy has been a dumpster fire of bad coaching and rampant cheating everywhere that he’s gone. He is really weird-looking, too. There is just something about his face…he looks like an aardvark. I’m not really sure how this guy keeps getting work.
Hate Rate: 6.4 Lady Jane’s Haircuts…they’re wicked awesome!

8. Steve Alford, New Mexico – Ah yes, The Golden Boy. You know, for being “the next big thing”, he sure has done some very mediocre coaching jobs. Everyone thought that it was a lock that he would eventually get the IU job but even they chose ELITE cell phone user, Kelvin Sampson, over Alford’s overrated ass. Alford looks like an asshole, too. I bet that he calls his players “queers” and “faggots” all the time.
Hate Rate: 6.5 Donato’s Pizzas

7. Seth Greenberg, Virginia Tech – No one is better at being mediocre than this guy! Who leads the nation in “whining about not making the tournament every damn year”? It isn’t even close. Plus, he’s bald. No one likes bald people.
Hate Rate: 6.9 Coors Lights

6. Jim Calhoun, UConn – It is impossible for me not to look at Calhoun and think anything other than, “I guarantee that his coffee breath is ten times worse than Behrman’s”. He just looks like one of those guys. I’m not sure how many wins that he has but it is probably half the amount of liver spots on his ashen skin. Jim Calhoun is gross. And let’s not forget that this year is not the first time that he has walked away from an underachieving team due to “health reasons”. What I’m trying to say here is that Calhoun is a faker.
Hate Rate: 7.7 Seth Meyers

5. Tom Crean, Indiana – I’ve mentioned this before but Crean’s over-the-top act is very grating. He looks like the kind of guy that would take joy in farting in your face while you are gasping for air. He makes it easy to remember that you hate the Hoosiers. Apparently, Crean is married to a sister of The Brothers Harbaugh. Ugh, she must be hideous.
Hate Rate: 7.9 The Big Bang Theory’s

4. Bo Ryan, Wisconsin – If a bullfrog had sex with the keyboard guy from Wally and The Beavs and then had a demon child, it would look exactly like Ryan. I used to kind of like Ryan but then he stopped talking to black kids, made all of his honky’s shave their heads, and started Modern Nostril Warfare with Dale from TWD. I can’t respect that. And “Bo” is a cool name. Bo Ryan does not deserve to be a Bo. He is more of a “Beau” (like Beech).
Hate Rate: 8.1 Curt Schillings

3. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse – Let’s just lay it all out there: Boeheim harbored a pederast buddy of his for decades, allowed said coach’s wife to fuck his players right under his nose, and has not taught one kid how to play defense in 30+ years. That is quite the resume. I have said it before and I will say it again: zone defense is fucking lazy. Anyone that runs only a zone defense is a joke of a coach. Bob Knight may have been a crotchety old buttfucker, but at least he taught his players how to play fundamental basketball at both ends.
Hate Rate: 8.9 Russell Brands

2. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke – WHAT? How did Satan’s righthand man not get the #1 slot? Look, there is no doubt that Coach K is objectionable due to his bitchin’ combover, annoying long term success, and ritualistic buggering of Old Man Plumlee. We all know this. But you have to give the guy some credit for running a squeaky-clean program at a place where Rasheed Ghetto-Trash isn’t even considered for acceptance. And, he gave us Kyrie Irving and for that we thank him.
Hate Rate: 9.6 Khloe Kardashians

1. John Calipari, Kentucky – It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I hate Coach Cal so much. The fact that he thinks that he’s ELITE even though his resume staunchly refutes that? His pasty white skin? His over-animation? His complete shitting on of the NCAA rulebook? His never-ending deep pockets that continue to pay stud players? His sweaty nuts? The likely fact that he has never required a player to attend a class? The absolute fact that whenever he leaves a school, that place immediately gets hammered with sanctions? I hate John Calipari. He would have earned a perfect Hate Rate had it not been for the fact that the players that he pays to play for him are entertaining as shit to watch. It’s going to be fun watching Coach Cal shit all over himself this March. It is becoming one of my favorite yearly traditions.
Hate Rate: 9.8 LeBron James's's's's

So what do you think of the Index? I spent waaaaaaaayyy too much time slotting these guys exactly how I wanted it. I'm like the Joe Lunardi of this.  Let’s embrace the hate today, have a good weekend, and then stop on by Monday where we are probably going to celebrate Black History Month, G$-style.  That will be fun.

Jon Gruden To Be Even More Annoying in 2012

Drew, I'm sorry, but you are dead wrong.

Remember how yesterday I sat you all down to remind you that topics are few and far between this month? Yeah, today is not an exception. We were going to talk about Rick Nash’s trade value (seriously, that was going to be a post) or that fact that Jim Irsay is a grandstanding drunk bastard, but you wouldn’t like the first option (although it would be a pretty solid post even if only Drew and Jeff would contribute) and you are already sick and tired of hearing about Peyton Manning and the Colts. So instead, you get this:

For just the sixth time in its 42-year history on television, "Monday Night Football" next season will feature a two-person broadcast team. Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden will call the games for ESPN starting in 2012. Ron Jaworski is leaving the booth but has signed a five-year extension with ESPN in an expanded analyst role with the company.

I can’t even begin to understand why anyone would think that it’s a good idea to give Jon Gruden MORE air time. That makes no sense. He is AWFUL. Why can’t he just go back into coaching and leave my TV alone? Anyway, I’m just going to assume that it was Jaws who decided to leave the booth and thus here are the top ten reasons for why he would make that choice:

10. Tired of being referred to as “THIS GUY” in public
9. Found out that Mr. Ace owns his throwback jersey
8. Was told that he can no longer swear on the air
7. Discovered that all 16 Monday Nighters next year will feature the Jacksonville Jaguars
6. Wants to focus on Arena Football team co-owned by Bon Jovi
5. Decided he did not want to keep covering up all of Mike Tirico’s sexual harassment of waitresses
4. Felt that it was unprofessional for Tirico to call a football game while smelling his own farts
3. His ear drums had finally burst after the one thousandth Gruden scream
2. Could no longer fathom how Gruden does not know and understand the most basic rules of the game
1. Weekly travel with Stuart Scott

Eh, whatever. #7 was a good one though. I stand by that joke. Discuss whatever you would like in the comments today. More Kate Upton? Rick Nash? The absolutely abysmal Adam Neft radio show? Is House of Lies on Showtime the worst show ever made (it is very close)?  Speaking of Showtime, how great is their "Franchise" series going to be this year when they follow Ozzie Guilen's Marlins?  If you were the head writer of The Walking Dead, where are you sending the gang once they FINALLY decide to leave Hershel's stupid farm?  You know what to do. Again, I’m sorry, but I don’t have a ton to work with today.