Wednesday, April 16, 2014

MLB's Expanded Instant Replay Is Worse Than No Replay

DON'T YOU DARE THROW MY CRACK, OLDBOY!
Do you remember when MLB announced over the winter that they would be expanding replay? Oh man, FINALLY they were joining the 21st century and were going to get all the calls right! There was going to be a big control room in NYC reviewing all the plays! Manager challenges! An elimination of the human element! This is going to be great! And it has been great if you just completely ignore how much of a fucking disaster that this modified and expanded instant replay system has been so far. I mean, it is REALLY bad.

The concern going into this was that replay would unnecessarily extend an already way-too-long sport and—yep—it is doing just that. Now, on every somewhat close play, managers are strolling out to discuss the play with the umpire who made the call while looking into his dugout to see if he should use his challenge or not. If they say yes then he throws his invisible red flag and they go to the headset. If they tell him no, he can STILL stand out there and try to convince the umpire to look at the play again on his own accord. THEN WHY HAVE CHALLENGES IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE! This is stupid.

Who the fuck wants to watch a crackhead manager like Ron Washington having a civil Q&A with shithead umpire Cowboy Joe West? If Ronnie is coming out of the dugout, I want to see spittle flying, chest bumping, and an ELITE ejection dammit! We’ve only had two ejections this year. THAT IS NOT COOL. If you’re going to hold up the game arguing then someone better be getting the old heave ho.

But the main issue is that they still aren’t even getting the calls right. I’m not one to stand up for the Red Sox but they got TOTES fucked hard in Yankee Stadium more than once over the weekend. MLB and umpires alike always champion the notion that “the only thing that matters is to get the calls right”. I guess not because they aren’t even with more eyes and cameras on the games. I don’t know what the answer to fixing this incarnation of replay is but the way that it is currently being implemented in baseball is absolutely fucking wrong. This is not working and no one knows what the fuck they are doing.

Here’s a simple way to fix things: no goddamn challenges and it works like college football. If the control room wants to look at something closer, they buzz the crew chief, who stops the game, he puts the headset on, and we make the correct call under the guise that “the previous play is under further review”. That’s it. It isn’t hard. And we can get back to having hilarious ejections again the way it should be. Now make sure that you all take the afternoon off to get an early start on your Stanley Cup Playoffs tailgating as well as today’s day/night DH between Clark The Cub and the Yankees! Hey, speaking of hockey, how about a quick playoff preview/prediction (be thankful that I didn’t spend the whole day on this like I wanted to)?

I don’t care that the Red Wings won 3 of 4 over the Bruins this year. The Bruins have the better goalie and play grinding playoff hockey. They win in 5. As for the Blackhawks/Blues series, if my boys were not still playing, I would be ALL OVER THIS series because this should be a lot of fun. Neither team lost to the CBJ this year which tells me that they are both ELITE (if the Jackets beat you then you are not ELITE…simple equation). Give me the Blues in 7 since we don’t know how healthy Kane and Toews are. I also like Montreal, The NY Rags, Colorado, Anaheim (although I don’t love it), and the Kings (never trust the Sharks). Which leaves us with the crown jewel series of Columbus and Pittsburgh. I am delusional but not THAT delusional. We are massive underdogs (just like the 1 seed Blackhawks were to the 7 seed Red Wings last year OBVZ) and have never won a playoff game in our 13 years of existence. Hell, we have never HAD THE LEAD in a playoff series. It’s going to take a big effort just to stretch this bitch out to 6 games. But I’m a homer so I will always feel that we have a chance. Two things definitely need to happen for the CBJ to push the Penguins:

1. Ryan Johansen HAS to be the best player on the ice in the series. This will not be easy but the world is about to find out that this kid is a fucking superstar.
2. Sergei Bobrovsky HAS to be the best goalie in the world. This can be done but will also not be easy.

Even if you don’t follow hockey, you at least know that Sidney Crosby is a little bitch who was probably the cunt who stuck that American Airlines plane up his box the other day. How great would it be to end his season? Oh man that would be THE BEST. Fuck it, Jackets in 6. I fucking love the Stanley Cup Playoffs now let’s drop the fucking rubber already! CARRY THE FLAG!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Lights, Camera, Crap!


"As a matter of fact I am not on steroids.  Why do you ask?"



Last weekend I saw Draft Day on the night it opened.  I won't lie.  I was pretty pumped to see a Hollywood movie that was willing to document the shittiness of my favorite pro team in such glorious fashion.  After the movie I felt pretty underwhelmed by the whole experience.  It wasn't that great.  Mainly because Jennifer Garner falls short on making the audience believe that she is actually a woman, let alone bangable.  Seriously...Jennifer Garner is a gross, hideous, moose of a woman.  Her shoulders are broad like Frankenstein's and she has the face of a garden gnome.

So I started thinking on the drive home.  What other sports movies missed the mark for me?  There are OBVZ choices like Rudy and The Hurricane that were entertaining but based on complete and total lies.  But I wanted to throw some fresh blood out there since we've all (for good reason) taken turns cheap shotting how hilariously false the Hollywood versions are.  So here they are in no particular order.

Varsity Blues
I went back and watched this crap fest again a few years after everyone was proclaiming this to be one of the best football movies ever made.  Jesus, it's bad.  The more I watched the more I questioned how people actually enjoyed this shit pot at one point.  No coach in the history of modern day football would ever allow his players to get away with the tomfoolery that goes on in West Canaan.  Furthermore, a bunch of punk kids would never be able to effectively boycott a coach the way Bud Kilmer was.  Especially a group led by a guy who calls a hook and ladder like this:



Not Pictured: Lance's finger in his mouth signaling "hook".


Remember The Titans
Ide's favorite movie.  A movie about the death of racism at a high school in Whiteville, Virginia.  The football scenes in this movie are just laughable.  There's one in particular that is always good for a LOL or a million when I see it.  We're at the end of the movie.  Julius (not Peppers) is chasing down this kid from behind in an attempt to strip the ball.  He looks like the fucking T-1000 from Terminator 2 while booking after this kid.  Perfect running form that would give Tim Downey a boner hard enough to black him out.  Just a bad, bad movie.

Coach Carter
I'm gonna say it.  Not a big Samuel L. Jackson fan.  His whole "I'm black and mad and I yell all the time!" thing has really run its course with me.  I'm sure Prime can shed some more "this movie sucks" light on this one since his claim to fame is getting owned by that Coach Carter team.  You know, up there in what they call the NoCal.  All I know is that if Channing Tatum is your 5 you're never winning games. #waltbehrman

The Program
Another ridiculous football movie.  This steamy turd paved the way for pieces of dung like Varsity Blues.   AND ECU WAS FLORIDA STATE!  WE ALL KNOW IT WAS FLORIDA STATE YOU WERE IMPERSONATING!  JUST SAY IT!  Overall this shit was almost impossible to take seriously from Lattimer bashing his head through windows to Joe Kane laying down in the street while cars nearly ran him over.  Who was the white chick in the movie Kane wanted to fuck with the Heisman he didn't win?  That chick wasn't even hot and looked like she was a 40 year old grad student.  The downside of being hammered 24/7, I suppose.  Mom jeans with ass back you could land a plane on is never a hot look on any campus unless it's 1970's UCLA.

Major League
This one should ruffle some feathers.  I won't deny this movie the catchy one liners.  Definitely some classics in there.  But the actual game playing scenes are so incredibly far fetched.  I understand this movie isn't supposed to be 42 when it comes to cinematography/believability.  But it's also not supposed to be The Naked Gun.  Shit.  Or maybe it is.  Or maybe I just hate baseball that much.  Overall I find this movie to be a tad OVERRATED.

Time for all the Major League homos to come out in droves.  I'm ready, though.  That movie isn't that great.  If sports movies aren't enough today (ones you love ones you hate) then we can always talk about Aldon Smith getting arrested again.  Smith's the kinda player Bud Kilmer would cream himself over.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Fans Are Tired of Your Bullshit

Let's be honest: I am an ELITE driver.  I drive fast.  I see moves three lanes away.  I can recklessly weave through traffic and somehow make it look completely natural.  I also got a speeding ticket on Friday as I was driving home from the office.  82 in a 65.  I didn't play dumb or try to fight it.  I had to get over as my exit was approaching and my means was to pass a ton of cars and cut over.  I saw him.  Unfortunately, he saw me.  And thus, my weekend of umpiring pretty much entirely went to the Franklin County Municipal Court.  It's probably for the best anyway.  I don't need to be driving in the 80s once the kid comes.  Whatever, that state dick didn't even Carry The Flag, chicken fucker.

So yeah, that is 130 bucks that I'll never get back and is a ridiculous way to spend my money.  That got me thinking (as things usually do) about today's post.  Saturday was the Spring Game for the Ohio Buckeyes.  I have always had the stance that if you go to Spring Games then you are a fucking idiot.  I will always feel this way because it is SO STOOOOOPID.  Anyway, Ohio was charging $12 ahead of time and $20 on the day of the "game"...to watch a glorified practice...where the winners and losers don't matter at all.  Now, Ohio has always charged to attend this and that is fine and they even lie about giving the proceeds to charity (no way that that is true).  Some ELITE schools like Bama let people in for free.  Some Mickey Mouse programs like Ohio don't.  Either way is fine as long as you are clear up front and are realistic about what you are offering your most ardent supporters.

However, on Friday, it was widely reported that the Fuckeyes had only sold 36,000 tickets for the game the next day and that is really embarrassing.  So Urb and his cronies dropped the price to $5 a head as it should have always been (while pissing off the people who already paid the insane prices but apparently there was some sort of refund which is probably also a lie).  They ended up getting a little over 60,000 which is still kind of pathetic considering how nice the weather was but way better than playing your Spring Game in a stadium 1/3 full.

I'm going to do something now that I'm not used to doing: thanking Ohio Buckeye turd-sucking fans.  GOOD FOR YOU.  You shouldn't be paying 20 bucks a pop for this nothing game.  Gene Smiff and the BoT and Urb constantly steal your money and then charge more and more every year.  Enough is enough already.  At some point, even the biggest idiot (Cakes) has to ask himself, "what the fuck am I paying for"?  You're seeing something similar with the Yankees.  They play in front of 70% full stadiums every goddamn night now and it is their own fault.  They built that fucking eyesore stadium, charged a billion dollars for season tickets, priced out "the real fans", and now no one goes.  It's really sad.  But it's becoming the reality regarding the franchise-fan relationship these days.

The days of the team charging whatever the fuck they want and you the fan eating the shit are over.  We have a say now.  In FACT, we have THEE say now.  It doesn't matter how consistently good you are.  After a while, fuck it, it just isn't worth it.  HD TV and every game being televised and ELITE tailGREATs have made people start to realize how much of an expensive hassle all of this is.  Sure, you want to go to the big games still and always will but those non-con games/Astros games just don't feel like a good way to spend your time anymore.  You have other options that are more appealing and better ways to utilize your time and money.

I'm not really sure how teams can start winning fans back besides dropping ticket prices substantially (will not happen) so I think that all teams in all sports should not be surprised when attendance continues to drop more and more over the years.  In other words, you aren't building your fan base at all when you charge a family of four 80 bucks to watch the scarlet play the gray.  Get your heads out of your asses and stop trying to steal money from your biggest fans.

On a sad note regarding an ELITE way to spend your money, rumors are swirling that Minerva Park Golf Course AKA home course of the L/DFL AKA Augusta North will be closing its front ten and back eight this Summer.  It's probably Gene Smiff's fault although every time I've been out there, his brothas were all over the place in their jeans and whatnot.  I will miss Minerva.  This counts as my coverage of The Masters by the way.  If you weren't rooting for Big Dick Daddy Sping then why don't you move back to Iran, terrorist.

Friday, April 11, 2014

G$'s Official Ranking of ELITE Receivers

If you know two things about me, they are that I love the NFL and that I love being ELITE. With the NFL Draft coming up in a month and DRAFT DAY opening nationwide today, I figured that we could start a new Friday series here leading up to the Texans officially being on the clock. As we all know, the only positions that matter are the ones that score touchdowns. And everyone loves a good list! So why don’t we spend the next few Fridays ranking the top ten WRs, RBs (will not consult with Cakes), and then the crown jewel…ELITE Quarterbacks!

Now the parameters surrounding these rankings don’t particularly have any science behind them. A guy’s fantasy stats aren’t weighed all that much. I basically am ranking these divas based on who I would trust the most if my life were on the line and the odd caveat to saving my skin would be to complete one pass to one NFL receiver. And then I also factored in bias because that is huge. Like, for instance, Andre Johnson did not make today’s list because he is always OVERRATED in fantasy drafts and I doubt that he has ever helped anyone win a title. How can you be an ELITE receiver if you help no one? Great question, me.

I thought about including Jimmy Graham today actually but I disagree with him thinking that he is a wide receiver. No, he is not. I don’t care about his formation percentages. Dude came into the league as a tight end and thus will always be a tight end. Now quit bending Goodell’s goalposts! Alright, let’s rank the top ten receivers in the NFL today according to your master!

10. Antonio Brown – I’ve given my share of shit to Grump for him saying that Brown was/is a #1 receiver. Well, I was less right than usual on that one. Brown was great last season and his ability to run out of bounds untouched and thus screw the Steelers out of a playoff spot was truly ELITE.

9. DeSean Jackson – I did say that there would be bias. I was upfront about that. You can’t say that the guy isn’t one hell of a play-making Crip though. Now imagine how good he’s going to be with a real QB and a “fuck you, Chip” attitude.

8. Brandon Marshall – It takes a special kind of player to make Jay Cutler look good. Fortunately, this bi-polar sonofabitch has plenty of personality to go around.

7. Demaryius Thomas – We shall never forget his rib-winning touchdown catch and sprint off the arm of God! It is amazing to me how many super stud receivers went to fucking Georgia Tech. Why would you go there as a receiver? That has never made any sense to me. It’s sort of like why would any QB prospect with visions of the NFL sign on to play with Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer? Those guys DON’T CARE about your development and never have.

6. Josh Gordon – Yes, I am aware that he led the league in receiving yards last season without a QB with any ARM TALENT (Gruden term that makes no sense). He’s also one pot cloud from a full year suspension and is a Chatty Cathy. I also look deeper than the numbers. Like, the yardage looks great until you remember that the entire Browns season on offense was garbage time. I need to see him produce in games that matter (and to pass his piss tests for five straight years) before I consider him in my top 5. DEAL WITH IT.

5. Julio Jones – Remember when the Browns could have had this guy but took a handful of bad draft picks instead? That was probably the best thing to ever happen to Double J. I am aware that he got hurt last year but a healthy Julio is an unstoppable combination of ELITE speed and hands.

4. AJ Green – Now this cat puts up monster seasons with a poor QB and being constantly double teamed. He has a few more drops than I would prefer but he does it all. And he does it when it matters.

3. Dez Bryant – I don’t like to admit this, but Dez is so fucking good and if he ever got his emotions and sanity under control, he COULD be just as good if not better than our #1. He should probably keep beating up his prostitute mom though simply for the LULZ.

2. Larry Fitzgerald – Dude catches EVERYTHING. He doesn’t have the speed like he used to and Arizona should be ashamed for giving him those QBs but I would trust his hands with my life. Plus, he is a graduate of The University of Phoenix so you know that he has the smarts!

1. Calvin Johnson – No one else comes close. Ever. Remember when Joe Haden shut him down but the team got killed anyway? I remember when commenters here used to fight that weirdo fight. Good times.

Who has the balls to challenge my wide receiver rankings? The only internal struggle that I had was with Julio but I’m happy with where he is. By the way, during my “research” for this “project”, I realized that Stevie Johnson is the best WR in the AFC East. That’s AWFUL. Next week, I will be ranking FACTORBACKS. Will Trent Richardson rank #1? Yes. Yes he will. Oh man, I can’t wait for my definitive list of ELITE Quarterbacks!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Naked & Afraid: 3 songs

She's Totally Saying Yes
Let's lighten the mood and eliminate these Kentucky blues(BOOM!). G$ dropped a great topic a few days back, Current ELITE TV shows, and I am going to pick up where he left off. No, I'm not going to tell you about the top Vegan/Science/Black shows on TV right now, although if you're looking to cover the black and science category then Cosmos is a must.

Naked and Afraid is one of my favorite shows right now. Madagascar, Siberia, Bolivia, or Compton, I don't give a fuck, I am watching that shit. (HOLY FUCK I just thought of the TV show ever! White people in Compton!) I watched the Madagascar episode this past weekend which featured a hippie and a Mormon, a match made in Christian Mingle heaven. These ass holes were able to kill two snakes, which is a dinner at Ruth's Chris compared to what most pairs eat. The first snake the Mormon clown cooked until it turned into petrified wood. The second time they tried to smoke it, but their smoker contraption fell over and started blazing, destroying their snake dinner yet again. I really fucking hated that Mormon, especially after he snuggled with a pretty hot hippie chick over night to stay warm and then went and prayed to Joseph Smith for forgiveness the next morning. Joseph put you in this position to bang granola gash and you didn't take advantage of his blessing. Joseph Smith hates you.

As I was watching this show I was also listening to music, because that's just what I do.  And this got me thinking about what type of music I would bring with me if I were ever in the position to be stranded on some hellish place for three weeks. Would I just go with straight rap because that is 90% of what I listen to? Would I want some rage music to get me all fucking jacked to have mosquitos biting my scrote all night? Or maybe some classical to keep me calm when I haven't had clean water in 5 days? I am I firm believer that a good playlist can get you through anything.

If she ever found herself on this show it would break every form of media.

So the topic I came up with today is what three songs would you take with you if you were to be stranded on an island with another person for 21 days? And this would be just like Naked & Afraid; you don't know who your partner is, you can't use your music device for anything other than listening purposes, and you have to share this music with your partner, just like they do with the one item they get to bring with them.

Things that I had to factor in when thinking about what songs I would want are:
Length of song
General vibe of song
Do I give a fuck about what my partner might want to hear

3. Rage Against The Machine - Killing in the Name. I feel like in some crazy, unpredictable environment you need some FUCK SHIT UP music. Hacking your way through a jungle with a machete? FUCK SHIT UP! Paddling across the ocean on a raft made of balsa wood? FUCK SHIT UP! Going completely delirious and murdering your she-bitch partner? FUCK SHIT UP! RAGE is pretty much the only go to I have for that, I don't know dick about the hardcore/headbanger/scream rock genre, and I am also a fuck the establishment type of person. WIN-WIN.  Also Killing in the Name is just over 5 minutes, which is pretty solid when most tracks are between 3 and 4.

2. Bob Dylan - The Hurricane. I love me some Golden Oldies and Bob Dylan is one of my favorites. A lot of fantastic music that guy has created. The Hurricane isn't my favorite Dylan song, but it is the longest and tells a great story. Denzel Washington was fantastic in the movie based on Rubin "The Hurricane" Carter, which begs the question "Why did Denzel have to be crooked before he took it?"(Anybody?) This story of horrible racism, white guilt, and redemption also happens to take up over NINE MINUTES! As I lay there combing fire ants out of my pubes, listening to the story of Rubin Carter might make my nightly hell more manageable.

1. Outkast - SpottieOttieDopaliscious. This is my favorite song of all time. You give me jazz horns, some synthesizer, and Andre 3000 and Big Boi? You have a musical orgasm, my friends. Who else really want to fuck with Hollywood Court? Thought so. 7 minutes of musical bliss can get you through anything. Between my freshmen and sophomore year of college I found a fucking horrible factory job making molded plastic parts for the Ford Focus'. Every night at 2 AM I would go to my car, crank this up, and pray for a meteor to destroy the plant and all the inbreds inside it. The meteor never came, thus spawning my journey into atheism, but I realized that all I really needed was some Outkast.

Other songs considered:
Tupac - California Love. Because you can never go wrong with gangster.
OAR - Crazy Game of Poker. Listening to this would take me back to great high school memories of Dut being the biggest homewrecker ever and videotapes of Nate fingerblasting skanks in his basement.
Coolio - Gangstas Paradise. I have no idea why.
Anything Biggie because he is the best. Don't try to dispute this, BIde.

So what say you Money Shot Maniacs? What 3 songs are you taking with you? I have some predictions.

G$: He wouldn't take any music because he is a soulless super hipster.
Ide: Something that just came out yesterday so he can tell his partner about how he discovered the song before the group made it.
Prime: All Green Day.
Randall: Blink 182 and Avril Lavigne. Probably Pink, too.
Drew: Eminem, Royce da 5'9", and D12. DETROIT WHAT!
Seal: Something racist like Nugent.
Cakes: Is there anything gayer than Spice Girls? That.
Dut: Whatever the next 3 songs on KISS FM are.
Lange: Body Head Bangerz.
Larry: Whatever his wife tells him to.

So come join in the fun and compliment me on my superior music taste. Or let everyone know how gay you are and call Kate Upton a cow or something.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Josh Gordon Is Gossip Girl

"GORDON" must be Ebonics for "narc"
You probably weren’t aware of this, but tonight marks the final meeting of the season between two of the world’s greatest basketball teams and EVERYTHING is on the line. That’s right, I’m talking about the Pistons and the Cavaliers. A certain former Tuesday writer here predicted both of these teams to make the playoffs before the season started while yours truly had much, MUCH lower expectations. Go figure that each team was a MASSIVE disappointment. Apparently, it takes more than gobs of young talent to win in the NBA. You also have to do things like “be a team” and “make jump shots” with a sprinkle of “play defense”. It’s a tough formula to perfect, no doubt, and when you’re poorly coached and run, you can see how easy it is to fall well short of your goals.

Somehow, both of these forgettable teams are in the news this week which is as uncalled for as it is unnecessary. Let’s talk about both stories briefly because the Cavs and Pistons do not deserve a ton of our time:

*Joe Dumars is expected to resign as Pistons Head Moron – Well it’s about fucking time considering that he should have been fired 8 years ago. The Pistons won the title in 2004 and I’m not sure that Dumars has done one correct thing since. Granted, he is beloved among the dwindling fan base and even the simplest fucktards still get his name shaved into their misshaped heads, but he should have been long gone for a while. You have to give Dumars a little credit for somehow having the safest job on the planet despite producing horrendous results. And these rumors of the Cavs having interest in his services better amount to nothing more than rumor. The last thing I need is a starting lineup featuring Kyle goddamn Singler. At least they probably won’t lose their lottery pick this year (thanks to LOL-worthy tanking). Darko Milicic...NEVER FORGET!

*Kyrie Irving…U MAD BRO – Kyrie has had a tough year. The team has sucked pretty much throughout with the exception of a hot streak once the season was pretty much over anyway. He has only missed a few games this season (around 10) which should lessen the “made of glass” stereotype. But there is no doubt that he has regressed a bit (that might not be the right word…how about plateaued). Usually, in year three, you expect a star to take off but Kyrie has mostly stayed stagnant outside of All Star Weekend. There were all sorts of stories being leaked from his “camp” throughout the year and all of it was annoying. Look, he’s probably going to stay for a few more years at a minimum unless an “injury-prone” player wants to risk all of his future earning potential to Joe Flacco himself next season (will almost certainly not happen…he’s going to sign some sort of extension because it makes NO SENSE NOT TO). Old Fatty Windmill himself, Brian Windhorst, let it leak again that Kyrie wants out which set the PG on a quite a Twitter rampage over the weekend.

He was pissed. The point of his message was “ask me…stop saying that you spoke with a source because they don’t exist…so ASK ME”. And that makes sense but athletes are liars so I highly doubt that that rant is going to change things. Then, for some strange reason, Browns WR Josh Gordon, put down his hash pipe long enough to unload some HOT GOSS on First Take (not Worst Cake) citing that he lives next to Dion Waiters and that Kyrie and Dion hate each other and that one will have to be traded because they can’t co-exist. So many questions about this:

1. Why is First Take even asking a football player about the relationship between two basketball players?
2. How awful must it be to live on the same floor as Josh Gordon and Dion Waiters? So much loud rap music!
3. Josh Gordon doesn’t know shit and he is breaking some serious BRO CODE.
4. Kyrie telling Gordon to “mind your own business” is exactly right. Who the fuck are you to be breaking TMZ scoops? I’m really looking forward to Ryan Raburn breaking the story that Joe Thomas leads the Browns in clogged toilets and it is causing a HUGE rift with Phil Taylor.
5. I’ve watched these two play all season (I am a hero for doing this). It was rocky as fuck for a while but they look fine to me now and have for months.
6. How high are you, Josh Gordon? Shut the fuck up.

I just don’t get his angle here. Why is he stirring shit up that has nothing—NOTHING—to do with him? Listen, pothead, a few years ago another pretty good (at the time at least) Browns receiver had a buddy who tried to start shit with LeBron and they sent his ass packing to the Jets ASAP. I’m not saying that it will happen again, just that it has happened in that city before. If Josh Gordon’s goal is to get Kyrie out of Cleveland, yeah, please don’t do that. Also: FUCK YOU JOSH GORDON. GIVE IT A REST!

Whoa! That was way too many words wasted on two terrible franchises. I must apologize for this. We’ll see these two shitty teams AGAIN in Secaucus, NJ for the lottery. Sorry, Danny Boy, you lying midget piece of shit. You’re a worse Dan owner than Snyder. GO (home) CAVS! And don’t forget to CARRY THE FLAG!

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

March Sadness


"Let's win this one for bourbon!"



This last Saturday I was in Turd Bucket, USA or better known as Ashtabula.  Most fart face Ohio fans know this landfill as the home town of Urban Fistyourself Meyer.  Let me tell you this.  It TOTES makes sense that a trash ball like URBZ would call a place like Ashtabula his home.  What a fuckin dump, man.  It looked like a town ravaged by an end of the world apocalypse.  Everyone was fat and toothless, too.  It makes me happy to know that URBZ is complete white trash at his roots and there's nothing he can do to change that.  Moving on.  Since there was a semi-important last college basketball game last night and live blogs write themselves and I'm lazy...guess what?  Well.  You can do the math.

8:32 - This has to be one of the top 5 dumbest stadiums to watch a basketball game in.  Especially in the nose bleeds.  Hope you enjoyed paying a million dollars to watch a game on a giant jumbo tron.  Dip shits.

8:34 - Clark Kellogg just called his wife "Lover Girl" and gave her a happy birFday shout out.  My wife said she wants me to start calling her that.  My response was a fart from my butt.

8:36 - G$'s favorite analyst Doug Gottlieb just said a bunch of words while dribbling a basketball.  I'm assuming it was something about credit card fraud and the struggles of being gay.

8:38 - My dog is already bored with this game and is snoring like a bastard a foot from my face.  This should be an easy blog to write.

8:43 - You should be ashamed if you enjoy anything composed by Kid Rock.  What an absolutely miserable performance.  Just a sweaty trailer park hog.  With Hepatitis.  Probably Urban Meyer's best friend.

8:48 - In case you forgot how shit Kid Rock is, here is another sample.  Speaking of stuff that is terrible...I hope you're ready to get eye fucked with a thousand Capital One commercials tonight.  I'm already hot with Seal rage.

9:05 - HOOTIE doing the National Anthem!!  In Texas of all places!!!  Ide does not approve.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!  Normally I beg for National Anthem fuck ups but I'm glad Hootie nailed it.  Woulda set black country artists back 30 years.

9:15 - Tipoff.  I really hate Julius Randle's big dumb smile.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it's Joker like and just stupid.

9:16 - Uconn's guards are fucking tiny.  The Harrisons just tower over them like dopey giants.

9:18 - Julius Randle with an early exit...and what the fuck is Cauley-Stein wearing under his jersey??  I'm pretty sure it was a mu-mu.  Or a shirt made from his grandmother's hot pan holders.

9:20 - That Napier steal was pretty bogus.  My first impression is that Uconn is going to run away with this one eventually.

9:23 - Holy shit Gary Busey is still mentally insane.  What an absolutely brilliant commercial.  In case you missed it, Google search "Amazon TV Gary Busey."  You're welcome.

9:24 - What the hell does Napier do with his legs when he shoots?  Mister crazy legs.  Just heard that Julius Randle's idols are Tony Romo and Dez Bryant.  LOLOLOLOL!  Great choices, loser.  No chance Kentucky wins now that I know that.  Timeout.  17-8 Uconn.  Smartest thing Calipari has done all day.

9:31 - Just got up to piss and saw the wife spoon feeding one of the cats pudding.  Then she asked if the game had started yet...while being 10 feet from the TV the whole time.  What the fuck did I do?

9:39 - God dammit this Uconn team is fast with savage defense.  I really don't see them losing as Andrew Harrison starts to pout like a bitch.  Napier is killing it right now.

9:47 - Randle has to be hurt pretty bad.  He looks terrible out there and is sitting again.  Kentucky getting desperate and falls into a 2-3 zone.  Fun unrelated fact: There has only been one white guy on the court all game.  And he's not even American.  Walt Behrman is pretty disgusted right now.

9:49 - YOUUUUUUGE three by Young, steal and dunk by Harrison.  But Napier answers with a prayer from nearly half court.  That was a pretty bad shot and Seal is probably tearing the linoleum off his kitchen floor with his bare hands.

9:54 - The three ball and Julius Randle's block party is really keeping Kentucky in this bitch.  Only down 7.  Seal starts rubbing the kitchen floor softly while apologizing to it.

10:00 - One minute to go in the first half and Randle gets his first basket.  That's not good.  Kentucky in the middle of one of their classic late first have tournament runs.  Somehow Kentucky is only down 4 at half.  Just saw a sign behind the CBS crew that read "Lawyer, Guns and Money.  I have no idea what the means but it makes sense seeing that sign in Texas.

10:25 - Second half starts with a Harrison 3.  Kentucky down 3 after Boatright breaks Randle's ankles.

10:32 - This Brimah goon looks like a more uncoordinated version of Dikembe Mutombo.  What I'm saying is that he's not good.  I love how guys get basketball scholarships just for being tall.

10:38 - Now Uconn gets desperate with the 2-3 zone.  That charge on Poythress was fucking pathetic.  He follows that bad call against him up with an even worse 3 point attempt.  Missed free throws might be what kills Kentucky in the end.

10:42 - Kentucky is really protecting the tin.  By my count the Cats have four million blocked shots in this game.  Give or take a million.  Under 12 timeout Uconn is up 5 with free throws coming.

10:49 - Kentucky is starting to fall apart........HOLY SHIT!!  Young gives worse version of Mutombo a shiny pair of Arabian goggles.  That dunk made me barf a little.  Worse Mutombo looks like he's just a walking foul.  Grab some wood there, bub.  Your night is over.

10:52 - Nice shot of Romo and Witten stroking each other's schlongs.  Those live shots from Lexington aren't really from Lexington.  They can't be.  I didn't see one person fucking a goat or finger blasting their sister.  Uconn up 3.

10:59 - Kentucky pulls to one.  I've been wondering all game how many of these Kentucky freshmen bolt for the NBA regardless of the outcome.  I think Seal is the only one who watches this team enough to have a decent handle of that question.  Maybe he can unshun himself and lift his commenting ban long enough to enlighten me.  Kentucky can take the lead here...

11:02 - Harrison with the THREEEEEEEEEEEE.  Brick.  Guess the college three is too close for him. Apparently it needs to be NBA range for that lucky asshole.  Back down the court for Uconn.  Napier's three....wet.  Uconn up 4.

11:07 - Harrison steals from Napier, gets fouled and blows the front end.  Kentucky hanging themselves with these free throws.  Down 6 with four minutes to go.

11:12 - Oh boy, this one's gonna be tight.  Daniels puts Uconn up 6 with 2:30 left.  Who's got the hairier peaches boys??  Uconn ball with 1:42 left.

11:15 - Daniels has completely sucked his own scrotum tonight.  Playing his worst game on the biggest stage.  It's cool though.  I bet there aren't any NBA scouts watching this game anyway....Young pulls it to 4 with 54 seconds left.

11:17 - Poythress about destroys his life while getting undercut.  This could be it after those Uconn free throws.  A few bricks by Kentucky and Uconn wins it.  Jim Calhoun is the house so you know he's packing at least a flask in that suit coat...let the party begin!  Normally I stick around for the post game to document what is certain to be some hilarious interview moments by some really illiterate players...but I'm tired as fuck and it's bed time, cock faces.  Randall out.