Thursday, December 18, 2014

Oh Fuck It, Another Triple Threat: The HarBRAH IS Coming, Fantasy Ragrets, and Saying Goodbye

Jim can find that in Ann Arbor...sure.
I don't plan on making this Triple Threat a regular thing, but the HarBRAH news was coming in heavy last night so TAEKS need to be given. But I also don't think we need an entire post dedicated to HarBRAH...especially because I have a feeling that more news will be coming out today, even possibly a decision from the 49ers and the future of their head coaching position.

HarBRAH TAKE. I think he is coming. I have always felt pretty good about him coming, even before it was a popular thing to say or anybody knew the 49ers wouldn't make the playoffs or knew that Brady Hoke was a joke(LOLZ WE ALL KNEW THAT). Leading into this season everything seemed to be aligning perfectly for Jimmy BRAH to come on home. And here we are.

I will go ahead and say I am 70% certain he is coming. The numbers of the Michigan offer got leaked last night; 6 years for $49 mil. That's a whole lot of cash to coach a bunch of kids. But that number is right around where I expected it to be. I said last week that Michigan was not going to fuck this search up and this is why I felt that way; Michigan is willing to spend big boy money and going to make everybody on their list say "NO" to at least $7 mil per year. Michigan is putting aside whatever arrogance was in the athletic department under Brandon and finding the best football coach to lead this program back to the promised land. I hope it's Jimmy BRAH, but if it's not I'm 100% confident in the current AD finding the right man.

But Jimmy BRAH's coming, so chill.

We Gone. Monday night we got an approved application for our foster dog, Layla. Tuesday night we went and did a home visit with Layla. Apparently this guys wife has been begging to get Layla for months and constantly stalks my rescue's website to see if she is still available. The husband decided he wanted to surprise his wife by adopting Layla as a christmas gift for her. Pretty #ELITE. Last night we showed up with Layla, surprised his wife, and they took her in. The only issue we had was the family's current dog, a crazy black lab mix that wanted to wrestle with Layla the moment she walked through the door. Layla don't play that, at least not for a couple weeks. She's a tease, you can't just start humping her. The other dog has to play the game for awhile before any consensual wrestling can take place. Hopefully, it all worked out last night. If not, they send her back and I keep her forever. Win-win.


video
As noted on Facebook, my leash game is strong.

Also, today is the day that I get to tell my 20 4th graders, and the 20 other 5th graders I had last year, that I won't be returning in January. It's going to suck so hard. And I don't have any ego about this at all. If every single one of those kids just shrugs their shoulders I will be more than fine with that. And I know for a fact several of them will. But I really don't know if I'm ready for the disappointment I'm going to have to face from a couple of them. Becoming just another adult in their lives who claims to have cared about them, but then just walks out never to be heard from again. I hate being in a position where this is my best option, but none of that really matters. This is going to suck.

I was also uninvited to my final team meeting because my supervisor still refuses to talk to me, and certainly doesn't want to have open conversation with me in front of people she "manages". She's the worst.


Fuck Fantasy Football. I made the playoffs in the LFL and the MSFL this year. I barely limped in, finishing a robust 7-6 in both leagues. I knew I wasn't a real contender for the championship in either league, but making the playoffs you just never know. So you talk yourself into insane ideas like Ryan Mathews sprouting a dick and scoring touchdown, Peyton Manning finishing a year like he started it, or getting Stedman Bailey off the waiver wire will carry you to victory. Then Sunday rolls around and both my teams get aggressively anally pounded. Looking back, I have some regrets.

LFL:
1. I paid Top 7 money for Cam Newton. No, seriously.
2. Ben Tate was my #2 back.
3. I paid money for Pierre Garcon.
4. Ryan Mathews was my #3 back.
5. I regret being in a league with Daniel. The guy tries to troll the commish by writing a post-dated check, which is only funny to him. Then the commish and the rest of the league trolls him back by saying he is going to be docked points for not technically paying on time. He responds by saying he will quit the league if he has points taken away. Lange is a kinder commish than I am, because I would have called that bluff in a second.

MSFL:
1. I bought into Peyton Manning. Don't get me wrong, I knew my team was a playoff team the moment the draft was over. But nobody is winning a fantasy championship with Peyton Manning because at the end of the year he also does this shit. I don't know if teams finally catch up with him, especially divisional opponents getting their second crack, or he starts to break down, but during the fantasy playoffs he's bound to fuck you. Never again.
2. Sproles was my #2 back. It's a PPR league, but Sproles is a flex play at best.
3. I spent big money on Keenan Allen. The fucker still probably led the NFL in targets per game, but it just didn't translate into the fantasy value that I thought it would.
4. I regret not making the MSFL quite as ELITE as it usually is. I just had too much shit going on to put any worthwhile effort into the league this year. I promise to do better next year, because you deserve better.

What are some of your fantasy regrets?

Bonus Take. What the fuck is going on with this "The Interview" movie? North Korea threatens 9/11 level retaliation and Sony pictures just caves? I thought this was America! We don't negotiate with terrorists. I'm almost never a chest thumping 'Murican, but this is just fucking ridiculous. This whole situation has been bizarre. I'm sure the movie is awful, anyways.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

So Your Quarterback Sucks...

Even security knows.
We can't all be as lucky as Ravens fan what with their BRAH head coach and ample supply of ELITE QB play.  Many of us sit through a Sunday game fully expecting to be embarrassed and knowing that a successful two minute drill is one that doesn't end in a pick six.  Rooting for a shit-ass team sucks but it might be worse to support a decent team with a shit-ass quarterback.  I went through the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE teams yesterday and came up with nine teams that could be making a change next year or at least have some controversy at the position (which never works out by the way).  So let's go through these teams and I will make the call for each team.  This isn't really a prediction or anything, just sort of what I would do if these teams were smart and hired me as GM of their team.

As a reminder, yours truly loves nothing more than playing Fantasy GM and spending other people's money.  Nobody hires and fires and executes trades faster than this cat.  So without further Apu, here is who some of our teams should be starting at QB on Opening Day 2015:

Tampa Bay - Marcus Mariota.  Let's get this one out of the way.  Lovie's classy bunch currently holds the #1 pick and likely will not mess this up in the last two weeks.  This wouldn't be a bad landing spot for the Heisman winner at all.  Some nice pieces in Tampa.

Tennessee - Jameis Winston.  FINALLY a reason to act like the Titans actually exist.  This almost makes too much sense as it allows Taylor Lewan to befriend another sexual predator and make murderous threats on his behalf.

Buffalo - The Kyle Orton Express.  Time to double down on the Neckbeard!  I'm not giving up on Emanuel J'manuel Manuel yet but In Orton We Trust.  That offense is only going to get better while the already ELITE defense is going to have their better players back.

Chicago - Josh McCown.  I assume that Tampa will cut him and his 5 million for next year which will pave the way for him to be a stop-gap in the Windy City.  Why?  Because my guess is that the Bears take the third rated QB in the Draft whether that be Brett Hundley or Connor Cook or whoever.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, if something isn't working then you don't keep doing it.  You get rid of it and find another option.  CUTLER ISN'T GOING TO WORK EVER.  So trade him for a 4th round pick (don't expect anything more than that with his salary) and move on.

New York Jets - Jay Cutler.  This almost makes too much sense. 

St. Louis - Brian Hoyer or Ryan Fitzpatrick.  It really doesn't matter.  The most boring offense in the league deserves a boring QB.  Sign both of these Chlorophyll's More Like Bore-o-phylls and watch another 7-9 season come to fruition after starting 1-6.

Houston - Sam Bradford.  I'm not sure what his contract sitch is but I could see him having a lot of success with actual talent around him.  The Texans are close but they need someone who doesn't blow under center.  Bradford may be a pussy but he does not blow.  Eh, fuck it, just put JJ Watt under center and we'll see you in the Super Bowl.

Washington - Robert Griffin III.  It sounds like everyone is coming back now which is hilarious.  I would fire Gruden immediately.  Either way, keeping RG3 at 6 million next year is worth it to see if it truly over or not.  I'd keep McCoy around as a backup though.  It's not like this team is close anyway.  I'd rather see us make damn sure that we ruined this kid before cutting him or trading him for nothing.  Make everyone go down with the shop.  Kill Dan Snyder.

Cleveland - Johnny Manziel.  You have to.  I don't care how bad he looks over the next two weeks or what Merrill Hoge says, this is your starting QB going into 2015.  You made a commitment to this guy so commit to him.  Give him a full year.  If he blows then that is on him.  As far as a back-up goes, Jake Locker makes sense as they could run the same sets and plays without much change.

Needless to say, having no franchise QB is the worst.  The main points that I wanted to make today are that the Bears need to move on ASAP, the Skins need to give it one last shot, and the Browns need to follow through on their homeless guy's vision.  What I'm trying to say here is that our teams are fucked forever.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Happy BRAHlidays.



Oh, yippee.  The Army Navy game was last Saturday.



It's been well documented on this site that most of the commenters (if not all) pretend to enjoy a terrible football game played by two terrible teams.  And apparently I'm a terrorist because I think watching a team that has won 12 13 straight in this "rivalry" (Navy) triple option their way to another win against a team that always sucks ass (Army 4-7) is a waste of fucking time.  Well, I guess sign me up for vest bomb making 101 because this game will always be boring and awful and I'll probably never watch it.  Moving on.

So Christmas is upon us again.  The time of year where fake ass douche bags pretend to like the people they fucking hate while fights break out in malls around the world over the last piece of stupid plastic your kid will either destroy or stop playing with 3 months later.  Ahhhhh.  Such a festive time.  So.  I figured while things slow down in the college football world, what better time to sit down with everyone's favorite BRAH to talk some football and holiday cheer.  Tis the season to get offended by a BRAH.

Iceman: Coach, thank you for sitting down with me.  I'm here to...

Jim BRAH: Suck the skeet out of my big Jim stick....I know.  Except I don't know how many fuckin times I have to tell those brain dead shit sacks that I prefer fat Asian men in their early 20's.  See, at that age they look like they could be 13 but they aren't 13 so it's totally legal but feels super illegal.  It's part of the sexual excitement.  Plus I like to squeeze on their squishy little tit bags while they chow my piss pipe.  Keeps me hard.  /looks me up and down.  What are you...B cup?  I guess I could ma..

Iceman: Shut the fuck up!  Fuck, man!  I'm not here to suck your dick.  And I've been working out so I don't have B cups.  Jesus Christ...why am I even talking about this with you?

Jim BRAH: Cause you know you want this shit. /violently grabs crotch under the table

Iceman: Okay...I think we're done here.

Jim BRAH: No no no no no no no!  I'll behave.  If I get arrested again I go back to jail.  There's a Nubian prince there with a hog the size of a fire extinguisher that promised me if I ever came back I would shit bowling balls for the rest of my life.  Normally that kind of sweet talk gets Dick and the twins sexually charged up...but I don't do the blacks.  Because they all have AIDS.

Iceman: That is incredibly racist.  Have you been talking to Ide again?  Never mind all of that.  I'll make you a deal...you answer my questions without further incident and I won't call the cops.

Jim BRAH: Deal! /extends his hand for a handshake...




Iceman: Dude.  I can see the glob of semen in your palm.

Jim BRAH: Sorry.  Old habits die hard.  That was the last one, I promise.

Iceman: Alright...Let's just not touch each other.  Or get close.  Yeah.  Good idea.  Okay.  Let's start what is sure to be an absolute shit show of an interview.  Christmas is right around the corner.  As fucked up as your family is, I'm sure it's nice to get together for the Holidays.  What is your favorite HarBRAH Christmas tradition?

Jim BRAH: Well, Iceman.  I would have to say the annual nude arm wrestling tournament.  Winner gets to wear the crotchless Santa costume.  Joani is going for a four peat this year but someone needs to knock her off because she's fuckin ruining Christmas.

Iceman: How is that?

Jim BRAH: Uhhhh.  The pants are crotchless???  The fuckin hairs on her cat flap are thicker than a Viking's beard.  I don't think she's shaved that beast since 1984.  It looks and smells like a dead skunk.  Or a homeless guy's nuts covered in afterbirth.

Iceman: Nice.  How does Tom Crean feel about you talking about his wife like that?



Jim BRAH: Fuck that limp dicked pussy faggot!  She was a HarBRAH before a useless CreanPie!  Oooooo!!  Nothin gets my blood hotter than talking about that worthless shit stain, pig fucking, butt queen Tom CreanPIE.  He's the reason murder should be legal!!

Iceman: So it's safe to say Tom Crean isn't welcome in the HarBRAH house at Christmas time.

Jim BRAH: Actually he is, unfortunately.  I talk a big game but Joani is the top dick swingin' dog in this family.  Always has been.  She'll give me rug burns on my balls if I don't play nice around CreanPIE.  But I still have my ways of fucking with him when Joani isn't looking.  I'll bury my index finger into my own ass, wipe the shit on my dick and swirl my sex sausage around in CreanPIE's ginger ale when he isn't looking.  He's so God damn dense he doesn't even realize he's sipping on my stool.

Iceman: /slowly puts napkin over drink.  I'm speechless.  What else?  What other holiday traditions are a part of a HarBRAH Christmas?

Jim BRAH: Well.  We're all cheap and selfish assholes so we do one of those black elephant gift things every year.

Iceman: You mean WHITE elephant?

Jim BRAH: You fuckin heard me, shit for brains!  Black elephant.  You know...where each family member breaks into a house in the neighborhood and steals as many gifts as they can carry?  The only thing that gets my dick harder than fat Asian men is sad children bawling like little bitches on Christmas.  I would jerk off with their tears if possible.

Iceman: I really don't know how to respond to that, coach.

Jim BRAH: How about with, "Sad children get my dick hard also, coach."?

Iceman: I'm afraid you're solo on that one, pal.  Dare I ask, do the HarBRAHs go Christmas caroling?

Jim BRAH: Caroling?  Fuck no.  We go Christmas poo'ing.  We'll ring the doorbell and act like we're about to start singing.  Then all of a sudden, we'll start heaving piles of our own dung at them like fucking monkeys!  I like to eat a blend of Mexican and Thai food the night before with a full block of sharp cheddar right before bed to bring a mild rigidness to my turds the next day.  That way I can form a nice tight shit ball but still have it explode like a water balloon would when it makes contact.  It's a pretty strategic process and one I'm still perfecting.

Iceman: Honestly, I don't know why these answers surprise me anymore.  There's been a lot of talk about your future with the 49ers, coach.  How do you feel about this organization?

Jim BRAH.  Faggots.  The lot of them.  There's a reason that team is in San Francisco.  That's where all the queers are.  Those cock lovers are gonna have to fire me if they want me gone.  Dad's S&M belt taught me at a young age that a HarBRAH doesn't quit!!  No matter how much ripped skin and blood there is.  Tell ya what though...one thing is for sure.  That is the last time I put my faith in some fuckin dune coon QB so shitty his own parents didn't even want him.  Lesson learned!

Iceman: Coach!  You can't say dune...ugh.  Never mind.  So where is the next coaching stop for Jim HarBRAH?  Michigan??

Jim BRAH: Damn right I'll be there!  Or maybe not.  Or go fuck yourself.  Like I'm going to tell a piece of shit like you.  Or any of the sackless dildos that read this poor excuse for a sports blog.  Only me and my anal sex addiction group know the answer to that question.  I feel like I can tell them anything.

Iceman: Seriously, coach.  Is Michigan even on your radar right now?

Jim BRAH: Suck a mile of goat dicks.

Iceman: Jesus...come on!  COACH!  WHERE WILL YOU BE COACHING NEXT YEAR?!

Jim BRAH: Your mother's panties.

Iceman: Coach...we talked about this.

Jim BRAH: Fuck your face, you dickless twatsuckle.  I won't be caged!!  You don't own me!!  Fist yourself, you faggot fuck!!



Iceman: That's it.  Deal is off, coach.  I'm calling the poli...

At this point Jim HarBRAH tears his shirt off like the Hulk, upends the table, lowers his shoulder and plows right through me on his way to the door.  I didn't realize until this moment that Jim HarBRAH was wearing only a jock strap and stilettos below the waist for the entire interview.  What the fuck.

It appears we left this interview with more questions than answers, as usual.  Jim HarBRAH gets more offensive and strange as the years pass but that doesn't change the fact that I want this psychotic loon coaching for the Wolverines next year.  Any Michigan fan would.  Rumors, speculations and scorching TAEKS continue to get plastered all over Twitter.  I'm seeing tweets out there saying that Harbaugh to Michigan is almost a done deal...but I'm also seeing tweets saying that Harbaugh will remain in the NFL.  Who the fuck knows any more?  If nothing else, it's keeping me entertained.  That's it today.  I hope you enjoyed a peek into holidays with the HarBRAHs while we wait for the bowl games.  Until next time...

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Worst of Week Fifteen Vol.VIII

ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, CHUCK!
You may not be aware of this but the NHL All Star Game is coming to Columbus at the end of January (the weekend before the Super Bowl).  With that event comes a ton of random shit that fans can go to and attend and whatever to pump up the local economy, bruh.  I know that they are setting up a giant outdoor skating rink and massive snow slide across the street from the arena but most of the activities will take place a few blocks away at the Convention Center.  As of Friday afternoon, I have applied to work at the NHL Fan Fest for three of the four days (mandatory) from 1/22-1/25.  I have no idea what this entails although I'm sure it is more "work in the parking garage" than "punch Crosby in the nuts" but whatever.  It sounds cool, isn't too big of a time commitment, and I need a new laptop/blogging machine anyway so the very mediocre $12/hour wouldn't hurt.

Either way, I feel like I'm giving back to the area should they pick me to serve.  I feel like the entire world needs to see how dedicated I am to carrying the flag.  It isn't all bluster and fraudulent student ID tickets.  I am a part of the damn community and I will help any and all French Canadian motherfuckers find the restroom before they shit their pants.  If you're interested at all, here is the application link.  Who knows if they are still accepting BRAHs but they are looking for 450 people so whatever.  CTF!

Dat Thursday Game Though - Jesus, it's been awhile since we've had a no touchdown game.  Praise Allah that Feel Seems was around to commentate it and say things like "a field goal is just as good as a touchdown" and somehow that be right.  What a turd.  The final Thursday game of the year is Titans/Jags and there is no way that it could be worse than Cards/Rams.

Ryan Lindley - I will consider myself to be #blessed if I never have to watch this loser throw a pass again.

Johnny Manziel - Let's start with the biggest shitshow.  Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...we all probably assumed that you would make some mistakes due to being a gun slinger and what not but I did not expect you to prove Merrill fucking Hoge right immediately.  You don't belong.  Right now, you can't play.  So much excitement and enthusiasm this week and in the first hour, it was back to "typical Browns".

Jeff Triplette - That was a horseshit call at the end of the first half on the Griffin fumble.  Fuck this guy.  He is the worst official in the NFL and continues to prove it even though the league gives him the worst games every week.  That was a fucking touchdown and I'm not even mad that Santana Moss got kicked out for correctly calling him the worst.  Moss is right.  Triplette fucking blows.

Jay Gruden - Then again, the HEAD COACH had no idea until the third quarter that one of his players got kicked out.  I'm so done with this guy.  You can be an asshole if you are good at your job.  Gruden is not.  If it comes down to him or Griff, they better fire this fucking guy.  He is a terrible football coach.  We most definitely hired the wrong Bingles coordinator.  I hate the Redskins.

Bashaud Breeland - Jeff's BFF from Clemson racked up 70 yards in penalties and allowed Odell to run free pretty much all game.  He's still got a bright future but he needs to stop impersonating D-Hall.

Alex Smiff - STILL no touchdown passes to a wide receiver!  It's been over a year!  At least he got revenge on the Raiders!  Here's a fun FACT for you: no one ever has wanted to watch the Chiefs play.

Mike Smith - You've got to love punting the ball on 4th and short and then never getting it back.  The Falcons would have already won the South if they had no coach at all.  Smith is that bad.

This guy - Come on, dude, that's not even cool...yet

Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson - BILLS D BRUH!  Christ, they kept Peyton and Rodgers out of the end zone in back to back weeks!  ELITE!  Rodgers was bad and Nelson dropped everything.  The Packers were due for a turd so this makes sense.  I really hope that the Bills make the playoffs and if you give me a few hours, I will come up with a winning argument that The Kyle Orton Express is the NFL MVP.  BRB.

Geno Smith - How bad do you have to be when someone plain as day punches you in the face and doesn't even get penalized?  Good job by the Jets to play themselves out of Mariota though.

Teddy Bridgewater - He led two of the worst two minute drills that I've ever seen.  Why was he wearing two gloves indoors?  If you need to wear gloves indoors, you should be kicked out of the league.  Good win by the Lions though.  If this was college football, they would fall ten spots because they beat a shitty team at home by 2 but this is real man shit where winning is all that matters.  I don't think that the Lions are a legit threat because their coach is a statue, but it's nice to see them playing well.

Peyton Manning - What a bitch.  Couldn't even finish a half without needing drugs.  I think it is a rule that the announce team mentions Antonio Gates was a basketball player at least 40 times per game.

Ed Hochuli - Just a terrible roughing the passer penalty call that ended the Niners chances which they weren't going to win anyway so who cares.  Harbaugh has his choice between the Jets, Bears, Raiders, and Michigan which is like picking your favorite member of Rascal Flatts.  It doesn't matter because they all suck equally.  RIP Gore and Hyde who both died.

FANTASY! - I am in the playoffs in one league (the illustrious G$FL) and upset the three seed, -Rex, to advance to the semis!  WEEEEEEE!!!  Damman is up next and he will be let down by T-Bone Romo.  It's amazing that if you owned Peyton last week, you're not playing this week.  And if you had Rodgers this week, you are likely done.  As Iceman is known to say, fantasy football makes my eyes rain.

Back to hockey before we go, the CBJ have now won SIX in a row and head to Garbage Town USA tomorrow to make it seven.  FUCK YOU, DREW AND SAUL BOYS, OUR FLAG POLES ARE AT FULL MAST.  The Redskins play on Saturday this coming week and it is during my extended family Christmas party.  So, just to get it out of the way early, thanks for ruining CHRISTmas, Dan Snyder!

Friday, December 12, 2014

The 9th Annual Weisman/Wiseman Trophy Goes To...

Legend
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has its own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Wiseman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Wiseman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Wiseman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton
2011 – Matt Barkley Robert Griffin III
2012 - Manti Te’o
2013 - Jameis Winston

You may notice at some point that I never consistently stick with calling it The Wiseman or The Weisman. That is intentional because old D-Dubs was that forgettable. The spelling of the award has very little to do with the importance so GIVE IT A REST. Anyway, carrying on...

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. After Matt Barkley decided to keep sucking boners in LA over being OVERRATED for the Browns, he was stripped of his Weisman three years ago in favor of someone truly ELITE (not true anymore). We crushed it four years ago with Cammy Cam Cam. We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game in 2008. And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field in 2006. And who could forget the impressive power play by Te’o? Doing the Weisman justice for getting embarrassed mere days after reaching the pinnacle of his life! Jameis Winston's entire existence defines everything great about The Wiseman.

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curb-stomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). Basically, I like to award the Weisman to the player that I will remember the most when I think back about the season. It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2014 Weisman Award winner.

Those who are acknowledged but were ultimately not invited:
JT Barrett - Typical Urban Meyer thug.  We invite plenty of sluts and whores to this event and the last thing that I need is some trash bag choking them out.  Plus, the Weisman ceremony doesn't have any ramps.  Get out.
Marcus Mariota - You're a nerd, bro.  We're not even going to acknowledge your stats-only season because you be an embarrassment to what this trophy represents.  Call me when you ave committed a sex crime.
Melvin Gordon III - He was probably the favorite to win the damn thang until last Saturday night and then I remembered my completely justifiable hatred for all RBs from Wisconsin.  Plus, he is a coach killer.
Quentin Rollins - HOMER ALERT!  The RedHawk DB was the MAC Defensive Player of the Year this season with his 7 picks and being a shutdown cornerback on a 2-10 team.  Why is this impressive?  Because he was a fucking Charlie Coles recruit!  Rollins played hoop at Miami for four years, walked in to Spring practice as an afterthought, was great, got invited to the Senior Bowl (the best of those games), and will be playing on Sundays next year.  That is really impressive.  Love ya, Q!

The Invitees:
Jameis Winston - The numbers weren't there like last year but the bro has not lost a game ever.  He combines winning with sinning at a rate the likes of which have never been seen.  I absolutely love watching the Noles to see how they are going to snatch victory each week.  I will miss Jameis when he is gone from FSU and doing time at Leavenworth.
Tevin Coleman - I have no idea how the RB at winless in conference Indiana put up the games that he did.  What he did was amazing considering that the Hoosiers did not complete more than 3 passes per game and he still nearly hung 2000 yards rushing (he may have hit that number anyway but I do no research on IU).
Trevone Boykin - Keep in mind, this guy was the Frogs third leading receiver last season.  Only three QBs have ever averaged 295 yards passing and 50 yards rushing per game: Johnny Football, RG3, and Boykin...on second thought, maybe that isn't such good company.
Gerod Holliman - Who?  The sophomore safety from Louisville led the nation with FOURTEEN interceptions this year...in 12 games.  That is amazing.  I agree with those that say that sacks are OVERRATED.  Picking the ball off though is always an ELITE skill.
Mark Weisman - I really wanted to give the award to Weisman simply because of his name.  The Iowa RB had a terrific season with 802 rushing yards and 14 touchdowns.  He led the Big Ten in pad level, grit, scrap, handing the ball back to the ref without making some stupid gesture, and keeping the legs moving.  A white running back winning the trophy that looks an awful lot like a very young Grumpy would be so damn fitting.  So close, Mark Weisman, but you don't need a reward to know that you put in a hard year's work.

The 2014 Winner of The Money Shot’s Weisman Award is…
Step away from the white girl, sir.
Amari Cooper - He's the best player in the nation.  Period.  ROLL DAMN TIDE barely had any other viable pass-catching options this season and Cooper faced double teams at all times.  It didn't matter.  Dude was ELITE.  I don't know if he's better than Sammy Watkins, ODB, Mike Evans, or any of the other receivers from last year's incredible class, but he is not worse.  Cooper can flat out ball and I can't wait to see what he has in store for the Ohio Buckeyes on New Year's Day.  Congrats again to the 2014 Weisman Award Winner, Amari Cooper!!!  ROLL TIDE!!!

That said, Amari, we are not afraid to strip past winners of this award if they piss me off.  Should you suck big floppy donkey dick against Ohio, there might just be a knock at Mark Weisman's offseason assembly line station.  We are officially one week from The Commies and two weeks from Man of the Year ceremony.  CAN'T WAIT!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Triple Threat: New Job, The State of Michigan, Ultimate Basketball Coach


I have three things I want to hit on today...other than your mom. Great intro, Mr. Ace.

Job Thing. Two or three weeks ago I just through out a rant about the awful situations that my job often puts me in. It goes with the territory, but sometimes you just have to get all that shit off your chest(gay joke). Well, shit got real for me, and mostly my supervisor, last week. I took Monday off to interview in Cleveland. But apparently I didn't notify my supervisor of this in time, via a scheduled PTO day, so I was charged PTO for Thanksgiving and the day after instead of getting holiday pay like everybody else. Some bullshit policy, but whatever. Well those additional two days put me over my PTO allotment for the year, which started an exchange between myself and my supervisor. These are the exact emails, unedited.

Supervisor: "Hi Andrew, as I let you know on Sunday, because you took unscheduled PTO the day after a holiday, per the policy 10.0, you do not receive holiday pay.  PTO is taken for that time (2 days, Thursday and Friday).  That now has you at a balance of -9.75 hrs of PTO.

When staff exhaust their PTO prior to July 1st, when the pot is renewed, we have to put together a plan for how you can avoid using PTO for the remainder of the fiscal year.  I know that many of your absences had to do with a very ill family member and that is difficult, however we still need to put together a plan and have it documented.

This is a plan I need your help in developing.  Please send me 2-3 strategies that you will use to avoid time off through the rest of this fiscal year.  Please get these to me by Friday Dec 5th.

Thanks!!"

I sat on this email for over 24 hours because it fucking infuriated me. And then I responded.
"When I first saw this email yesterday I was furious. A gave myself a day to respond and my feelings haven't changed. I know it isn't personal, but given the circumstances of my PTO I don't think I'm in need of any plan.

I have taken a total of 6 days of PTO that haven't been directly related to my father's health issues. 5 of those days were taken for vacation at the beginning of July, before my father had a heart attack on July 14th. 1 of those PTO days were taken recently for a job interview, something I felt I had to do because of the contract issues and the way it has been presented to Beatty Park Clinicians over the past two months. I received confirmation for that interview on 11/28 after 4:00 PM.  I didn't schedule taking that time off in the system, but did immediately notify my team here and make arrangements to cover my responsibilities at the school, and didn't let you know until that Sunday, so I was charged 2 additional days for the holiday pay, which is a policy I find to be asinine as a salaried, masters-level employee. But that's the policy so I understand.

When my father's medical situation first came up I asked about taking unpaid Time Off because I was unsure of how much I would need to be out. I was told I wasn't allowed to take unpaid Time Off because of issues with the benefits, and that the only possibility for taking unpaid Time Off was if I was out for an entire week.

16 of the days I have missed were because I was in a hospital with my family in either Toledo or Cleveland. Obviously, it was my choice to take this PTO to attend to these matters, but the fact that I am being told that I need to come up with 2 or 3 strategies to avoid taking time off through the rest of the fiscal year is absurd to me. I'm sure this is just another one of those policies that everyone has to adhere to, but it's hard for me to consider myself in need of a plan.

But if it is necessary, then I can really only think of one strategy. 

1. If I don't have an immediate family member in the hospital or undergoing a serious medical procedure, I will be at work."

I typed out and deleted "fuck" at least 20 times while typing that email. She responded almost immediately.

Supervisor: "Andrew, you clearly need another day to process this request.  Your email to me was exceptionally rude and disrespectful."

Now that email was a lot of things, but rude or disrespectful were not one of them. I didn't personally attack her in any way. Just pointed out that I'm not some fuck who calls off every Monday morning because things got a little too crazy on my Sunday Funday. My supervisor has been to my school three times this week and has yet to make it down to my quad. Fuck her.

Less than three hours later I had a job offer from the place I interviewed with in Cleveland(I'm still working in Columbus)...and I immediately regretted every fuck I deleted. I turned in my two weeks notice and letter of resignation Monday. No more awful organizations for me. So I apologize to all of you for not being able to provide you with ELITE crazy kid stories in the future. Although, I did have a kid try to piss on me today. He does it because he cares.

Michigan Shit. First let's address the coach search thing. Michigan is not offering any other coach the job until the NFL season is over for the 49ers and HarBRAH turns the job down. In fact, he will probably have to turn it down 37 times before Michigan offers the job to anybody else. But of course Michigan is going to do their due diligence and search for viable candidates should HarBRAH not come. David Cutcliffe didn't fucking turn down the Michigan job. Michigan asked him if he had any interest. He said he didn't. They parted ways. End of discussion. I have no issue with how this coaching search is going because the #1 candidate isn't in a position to talk openly about it. And Michigan is doing the right thing by vetting Plan B or C type of people. They aren't going to botch this coaching search.

As for the basketball team. WE BAD. But John Beilein don't give a fuck about that shit. Obviously this is worse than our last few starts, but starting slow is nothing new to Beilein teams, especially when they are enormously dependent on freshmen down low. Michigan will adapt. Michigan will find a rotation that works. John Beilein will PWN in conference like he always does. I'm not worried about the state of this program. The truth is Beilein developed his players too quickly, if that makes sense. We don't recruit with the Duke's of the world, we can't just reload after losing four of the best players to come to Michigan in the past 2 decades. But we will be alright. In John Beilein we trust.

What I'm trying to say is R-E-L-A-X. RELAX.

Coaching. With this new job, I hope to be able to spend some time doing things after work other than hating my life and buying bourbon. Not fighting kids all day means that kids will be much more tolerable. I have always enjoyed being involved with sports, mostly basketball, and I'm going to make it a point to do that sometime in the near future.

Over Thanksgiving break I went back to Naptown to watch the Wildcats scrimmage Clay. Clay is the worst. Napoleon was much better...but still not good. Watching big guys, 6'5" plus, get the ball down low and play like pussies really grinds my gears. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DRIBBLING THE BALL?!?!?! TURN AND SHOOT!!!" I found myself yelling this in my head almost every possession. If you're a big goon who can't dribble, the ball should never come below your shoulders. Fucking goons. As far as Naptown goes, they have one kid who can do everything, 2 kids that can shoot, 1 big goon, and then a bunch of kids who aren't good at basketball right now. We aren't athletic, we don't do anything that's going to surprise anybody, and we don't play Clay every game. The NapCats are going to need some serious improvement over the year.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about what my strategy would be as a basketball coach. Do I do something gay like run a 2-3 zone? Do I just press all game? As a hardcore John Beilein believer I think I would roll with the 1-3-1 and dominate. Especially with little kids. I would extend that zone all the way out to half court. If EMU can handle Michigan with their crazy zone, imagine how a group of 12 year olds would react. Other coaches would hate me because my 5th graders would be slapping the floor after every bucket and we would watch film on Lance Stevenson to perfect his trolling work. We have two rules; no fucking flopping and only hard fouls. I'm gonna be great.

So what strategy are you going with? And I'm taking my inner city squad, no fucking farmboys for me.
Relax. Just a little hazing

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Hump Day Hump: British Invasion Version

Might I polish his knob, luv?
Remember this old Wednesday staple?  Let's bring it back!  I don't think that I've done one of these in a few years but GSaul always told me that these were his favorite posts so we will reward him justly.  The Royal Family is in the news this week because they showed up in the middle of the third quarter in Brooklyn the other night to watch Matthew Dellavedova and the Cavs.  Personally, I don't get the lure of the Royal Family but women who still yearn to be princesses do and Kate Middleton is pretty hot so I'll allow it.  She$ had never been more excited to watch the Cavs before so whatever.  Apparently, the Brits are U MAD BRO because Bron put his sweaty armpit on the duchess but fuck them.  You in America, bruh, and you will embrace our bro-hug culture!

So let's all sit around the old blogging circle with our bowls of Spotted Dick and discuss the topics of the week.

The Hot Stove League is on FI-YAH! - I don't know about you turds, but I love me some baseball offseason moves.  IMO it is almost better than the slog of a regular season.  By the time this posts, Jon Lester and Crazy Eyes Scherzer could have signed somewhere.  I was hoping that the Yankees would sign D-Rob and thus end games after six innings but it wasn't in the cards and he is off to the South Side.  How are your teams doing?  Does anyone understand what Billy Beane is up to?  Why do people like Tom Hamilton?  So many questions coming out of the winter GM meetings.

The Cavs are good! - Whew, remember how everyone wanted to blow the team up after a handful of games?  Well, as it turns out, this team is actually pretty good!  I'm still not sure that Dion Waiters is long for this team.  However, when he is focused and ON, no one will beat them.  The problem is that that hardly ever happens.  One thing that I will say is that Kyrie Irving looks as though he has made The Leap.  SO FAR, he looks like one of the 5-10 best players in the league.  We'll see if he can stay healthy but his body is definitely stronger this year and he has been fantastic.

Dubi is back! - We haven't talked much about the Jackets recently (there is a damn good reason for that) but with Dubi making his season debut last night in what--I assume--is a home win over Steve fucking Mason, it might be time to make a run.  Oh sure, the CBJ entered December as the worst team in the NHL but Bob is playing like the baddest motherfucker on the planet and the Metro is fucking horrendous.  I'm on Team Playoff Push way more than Team Tank.  Plus, Drew needs to pick a game to take me on our man-date since I am superior and won our bet.

Midget Manziel is starting! - Marvin Lewis called Johnny a midget for some reason.  Some people laughed with him but most laughed at him.  The important thing is that Manziel is the MAN and now I want to watch the goddamn Browns.  THIS should be an ELITE last three weeks to see if he has it.  He has sat long enough.  It is time to put out or get out.

I CAN'T BREATHE! - I love when pro athletes try to make social statements because it always comes off really selfish and they hardly ever know the entire story.  It's like some PR flunky tells them they should stand for something and then gives them an outline of the details.  Kyrie and LeBron followed bitch pussy D-Rose's lead by supporting the dead cigarette salesman and when asked about it, neither guy sounded very convincing.  It was hilarious.  Jeremy Schapp kept searching for more and these guys had nothing.  I love it.

Going From Fake To Real! - Not sure if you guys saw this but this has some serious LULZ potential.  Former WWE champion, CM Punk, quit wrestling a year or so ago in a pretty heated manner and announced this past weekend that he was going to start fighting in UFC.  This isn't a Brock Lesnar-built dude.  Punk is scrawny as fuck.  There is a big difference between doing what he did and what he is about to do.  I find this fascinating.  I hate MMA but I am interested to see how this goes.

And there we go...another glorious Hump Day Hump ends with plenty of talking points.  Just know that I am upset that the Brits didn't send King Ralph or that Mikhail Prokhorov didn't have Prince William assassinated.  I feel cheated.  Stay tuned for Ape tomorrow and THE WISEMAN TROPHY PRESENTATION on Friday, bruh.