Tuesday, September 30, 2014

College Football Week 5.


Replace "Michael Sam" with "Ide".



UCLA vs. ASU

I'll admit I didn't watch this game.  By the time I was bored with the Redskins letting the kid who eats paste dissect their defense, I was about ready for bed since these Thursday night games have been fucking snoozers.  Also the 10pm west coast games are hard to stay up for.  So I got caught up on The Strain and passed out instead.  ELITE show, BTW.  I'm still not buying UCLA even after this thrashing.  It's not like ASU has ever been known for their defense so I just see this as something the Bruins should have done.

Todd Gurley

He's the best running back in college football.  Period.  Anyone who disagrees should be force fed baked turd patties.  Baked because I'm concerned for your health.  Speaking of turds...Peyton Manning looked like a 65 year old retired golfer on the Tennessee sideline Saturday.  I don't think he could have looked any dorkier if he tried.  Man...Georgia is at least entertaining, aren't they?  Todd Gurley puts Georgia ahead...then Georgia's defense lets the opposition go right back down the field.  I can't imagine how stressful being a Georgia fan this year has to be.

Michigan vs. Minnesota

Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah, Minnesota!  Blow us out!  /takes a swig of Wild Turkey from the bottle.  Fire Hoke.  Fire Brandon.  Let's address the elephant in the room here.  That promotion that the University had with Coke was a flat out embarrassment.  The back tracking was even more pathetic.  Hope Solo's mangled crotch beef had a better look/public reaction.  So take your jabs because anything you say here isn't original or clever.  Now the game:
Shane Morris failed miserably Saturday.  I can't remember a QB being worse with more on the line, as a matter of fact.  I haven't seen football this bad since the DickRod days now that I think about it.  I know Morris was playing hurt and I admire the balls for pushing through that but it's not like he was playing well pre injury.  He was rat shit well before getting hurt.  Honestly we could be the worst team in the Big Ten.  While Michigan was getting dominated in every facet of the game, the announcers were STILL saying that they didn't think Hoke should be fired.  Well...before Hoke decided to put a guy back in who couldn't tell you what planet he was on, anyway.  Go die in a fucking tar pit, idiot announcers.

Brady Hoke

Oh boy.  People will let a lot of shit slide when it comes to football.  You can be a dick.  You can be hard to work with.  You can break contracts by faking heart attacks.  You can even be a degenerate asshole that purposely tosses criminals and drug addicts in uniforms just to win games.  But putting a kid's life in danger by playing him while concussed?  Bad.  Real bad.  That's a good way to make sure you never coach again.  All jokes aside, this is completely negligent and the fact Hoke is claiming he didn't know/think Morris was concussed is shameful and insulting.  Morris had to be stabilized by a team mate after getting jacked in the chin for fuck sake.  You can't look parents in the eye on recruiting trips anymore and promise you will look over their children after a disaster like that.  No one will believe you again ever.  And they shouldn't.  Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if Hoke is unemployed before this officially posts.  Hoke at Michigan just keeps getting uglier and uglier.  SMDH.

*Monday Update:

As of 10PM Monday Hoke is still employed at Michigan but things just continue to spiral out of control.  Hoke addressed the media about Morris' injury and made no mention of a concussion or possible concussion.  He was bluntly asked and boy was it bad.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2215128-brady-hokes-collapse-continues-with-poor-job-handling-shane-morris-injury

Bonus points to Dave Brandon for being a huge pussy by darting into the shadows and tossing his boy out to the media wolves alone.  Not saying that I feel bad for Hoke, but this is Brandon's guy and he should be up there getting filleted as well.  The fallout from that game and how poorly everything was handled with Morris is already brutal as at least one 4-star recruit as already decommitted from Michigan.  Word is at least 3 other commits have decided to take official visits to other schools.  Who knows how many more this week.  Someone needs to stop the hemorrhaging.

Florida St. vs. NC State

For a second FSU was getting a dose of the ol' rapey cock from NC State.  Then FSU realized they were better and pulled away very very late.  Jacoby Brissett had himself one hell of a game...then died in the red zone late in the 4th quarter.  He looked dead, anyway.  I bet the Gators wish they still had this cat over Jeff DriscLOL.  Speaking of LOL...Florida State's defense.

Ohio vs. Cincinnati




Anthony Schlegel.  Still got it.  I was hoping for a sack celebration dance after body slamming that Ohio Buckeye turd sucking fan through the turf.  So Cincy got blown out.  Big deal.  Drew still likes to snort dick skin like cocaine and openly begs to get fucked by rolling pins.  If not for Cakes he would be the most annoying cock face on Twitter.  FACT.  That award on Facebook, however, easily goes to Ide and it isn't close.  He probably jacks his little vanilla twizzler to all the "hilarious" posts he puts on my wall.  Apparently New York is super exciting since he's trolling my Facebook wall constantly.  His Facebook antics probably get quite the spirited chuckle from his celebrity pals in the VIP room while drinking $1500 a bottle champagne that was made in a Snow Leopard's womb.

Nebraska's uniforms

Just sick.  Dirty as fuck.  I've never really been one to get boned up about uniforms but these were pretty awesome.  Bo Pelini doing the uniform reveal, on the other hand, was all the LULZ.

Notre Dame vs. Syracuse

Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Missouri vs. South Carolina

Man.  South Carolina just can't seem to get out of their own way.  It's funny though because Spurrier seems like a real Grade A dick nose.  I was good and shit faced while this game was going on so I really can't tell you a whole lot about it.  Drinking an entire bottle of rum tends to make your brain not remember stuff.  All I know is that there were ELITE Michael Sam signs a plenty on the Game Day set.  Honestly...what the fuck did they think was going to happen?  You're just setting it up on a fucking tee for these drunk college assholes to slam it out of the park.  A gay guy's former team playing against a team called the Cocks is about as no brainer as it gets.  They HAD to know these signs were coming out by the millions.

That'll be it today.  We can also kick around Charlie Weis fired/fat jokes today if you care to.  Weis was shit canned from Kansas over the weekend like they think they can get better than Charlie the Hutt.  Not saying that Weis was good...because he isn't...but I don't know who else they think they're getting that will be better.  It's fucking Kansas football.  Ohio Buckeye fans should be pretty big cock sucks today.  Wait...that's every Tuesday.  Fire Hoke.  Fire Brandon.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Worst of Week Four Vol.VIII

Virgin.  GUARANSHEED.
We normally save the college football talk for Tuesdays but it's always open season to rip on the band and thus we will start the week off right.  I don't care how "good" you are and what performances you do, marching bands are fucking stupid.  They always have been and they always will be.  If you hilariously remember, Ohio Buckeyes band director, John "Pat Fenis" Waters was fired a few months back after that LULZ list of band member shitheadery was released to the public.  No one worth a damn has thought about this since but Waters is fighting his ass off to regain whatever reputation he once had among the nerds who enjoy a good tuba solo.  He won't go away.  He is suing the school now for his old job back and a million dollars (for mental anguish or some dumb shit) saying that the allegations that led to his dismissal are nothing but #IdeLies.  That those same lies have been invited to big time Hollywood agent lunches and the New York Film Festival.  Dear John Waters, GIVE IT A REST.  Go away.  This is just sad.  Everyone else has moved on but you, dweeb.  You aren't getting your job back.  Why would you want it anyway?  It would never go back to normal.  Go somewhere else to watch dorks shove flutes inside other greater than or equal to dorks.  Normal people don't support annoying people.  You are being annoying.  GTFO.  Captain Dildo 4 Life.  Let's talk some football.

Some of our alma maters - Yikes.  The 4-0 NapCats hosted Perrysburg on Friday for the annual Homecoming game.  They were down 38-0 at halftime.  What bothers me most is that the coaches agreed to a second half RUNNING CLOCK.  Fuck that.  Have some pride.  Take your beating like men.  This is pussy ass coward shit.  Would Snoad have called for a running clock?  No, BRAH, he would have run more 30/31 traps (check with me).  On the other hand, perennial state championship contender in division 1 and Ide's school, Davidson, were defeated at home by the school behind my house, Central Crossing.  The Comets won in OT 21-20 and thus moved their record on the season to 3-2.  I should add that these three wins TIES A SCHOOL RECORD FOR WINS IN A SEASON.  THREE!  And they beat Ide!  AT Ide!  Bad weekend for high school football.

The Redskins - I don't even know, bruh.  The best part of last week was how bad South Park ripped us on Wednesday night.  I'm at the point that I might want the name changed.  THAT is how bad Thursday was.  It might be time to turn the franchise over to Colt McCoy.  We suck.  At everything but being bad.  If you loved that Giants game then prepare yourselves from a week from tonight when we host the Seahawks on MNF.  That should be a gas.

Antonio Brown - Dude had a monster game in the HOME LOSS TO LOVIE SMITH, but if he doesn't drop that easy flea flicker touchdown then they win.  That's on you, bruh.  Also, you know that you can't go to the ground on your TD celebrations without a penalty so don't do it.  Every wide receiver is an awful diva.

Mike Tomlin - I watch the Fox pregame show because I hate myself and want to die so I caught the Tomlin piece with Laura Okmin (I'm into her).  He said that he was offended by the term "player's coach" and that he thinks it is racial.  He then called Bleau LeDick an old white guy.  It was really bizarre and everyone in the studio unanimously agreed that he was being dumb.  When Terry Bradshaw considers you to be stupid, then you are definitely stupid.

Jay Catler - Fuck if I know.  The Bears are an enigma.  2 losses at home and 2 wins on the road.  Never bet on the Bears.  Except for maybe the over...they can't stop anyone.

EJ Manuel - This kid is awful.

The Colts Defense - SANKEY!  SANKEY!  SANKEY!  You can put him on the booooooooard...YES!  Tennessee is God awful and Andrew The Amish Goblin is annoyingly ELITE at offensive football.

Jerry Richardson - I never understood why the Panthers absolutely had to let Steve Smiff SENIOR go.  They couldn't give him a 2 year/10 million dollar deal to let him retire in Carolina?  He wouldn't look incredible next to Kevin Benjamin?  That was dumb and Smiff got his revenge.  And then some.  FYI, Joe Flacco is ELITE.

Calvin Johnson - Bro, you're either injured of you're hurt.  Pick one.  Don't play two series and then call it a day. Either Play60 or don't go at all.  Geno Smith sucks and dropped a hilarious F-bomb after the game.

Donkey Kong Suh - It sounds like the big fella already has one foot out the door and will leave via free agency after the season.  The team seems to have accepted this fate as well.  Lions fans, you cool with this?  I doubt that I would be.

London - The NFL just loves giving them the worst possible games.  It's our chief export.

Rookie QBs - Derek Carr lost his Heisman overseas when he was bad and then got hurt. Johnny Football was back in college where people actually think that he can play football.  Blake Bortles was pretty shitty in the second half in San Diego (Chargers = still legit).  And Teddy Bridgewater's chicken legs were fantastic...until he got a random ankle injury and had to be carted off.  It was a shame, too, because Teddy was GREAT.  The Falcons are ridiculously mediocre.

Chip Kelly - Nice offense, FAGGOT!  ZERO POINTS for Mr. No Tacos.  In case you're new here (LOL at having new readers), I hate the NFL version of Chip Kelly.  This "genius" tag that he has been given way too prematurely is absurd.  His offense just got punked by an average at best defense.  2 plays from the 1?  Let's have our grossly incompetent QB launch two shitty turd balls out of the endzone! I'll give Chipper a little credit though--his team should probably be 0-4 right now.  The luck is coming to an end, Senor Smoothie.  FUCK YOU, ACE!

The 49ers - Christ, you couldn't even put away a team that didn't play offense.  Greg Roman's play-calling was best described as "vaginal".

FANTASY - Feels like another 2-2 week.  I'm getting sick and fucking tired of getting Amish-raped by Andy Luck.  Did Seal enjoy my ELITE MSFL backfield of Asiata and Gerhart???  LOLOLOLOLOLZ!

So the baseball season has come to an end.  Derek Jeter is officially retired and now, without further ado, I can finally say...WELCOME BACK, A-ROD!!!  Oh man, his retirement tour around the league is going to be legendary.  More Michigan buffoonery tomorrow, I'm sure. 

Friday, September 26, 2014

Open Forum: Cold Cuts...RANKED!

I'm kind of surprised that he isn't fatter.
Geico sucks and they don't get any of my business, but every once in a while, they do something ELITE.  Digging up the corpse of Ickey Woods is very, VERY ELITE.  They don't make celebrations like The Ickey Shuffle any more.  I have to admit that I don't get as excited about cold cuts as #30 does, but I do enjoy a trip to the deli department.  I am on the road back to Ohio today and I can GUARNSHEED that I have had my share of New York's finest meats the last two days.  So let's tie it all together and rank cold cuts/deli meats!

*We're just going bare bones here.  Yes, pepper turkey is incredible.  But we're going to use just regular turkey in the rankings.
*Don't be a shithead.  We're talking about lunch meat.  DEAL WITH IT.  I have 11 in my rankings.  I am aware that I left out a TON of other options.  Fuck you.

11. Bologna - So fucking gross.  Anyone ever been to that shithole in Waldo that apparently has the GOAT fried bologna sandwiches?  Fuck you if you have.  You are a sick bastard.
10. Olive Loaf - I don't even know what this is but it can't be worse than bologna.
9. Chicken Breast - Chicken isn't supposed to be deli sliced IMO.  It should be picked off the bone.
8. Ham - Not my style.  Fun FACT: 100% of all deli ham has a weird slime film on it.
7. Cappicola - Spicy ham!  Made the list because it is one of the meats on the legendary Hogan's Hero!
6. Turkey - Kroger only sells deep fried turkeys in the deli department now.  That helps explain my rock solid physique.
5. Sandwich Pepperoni - ELITE but it is a complimentary meat.  The only sandwich where pepperoni is the star is the Pizza Bozz.  I would love a few Pizza Bozz's thanks for asking!
4. Salami - Very good.
3. Corned Beef - Terrific.
2. Roast Beef - Great.
1. Pastrami - ELITE.  So fucking ELITE.  Put a little spicy mustard on that bitch and then rub it all over your erect body.

Great topic, G$!  Look out for all of the ham weirdos today.  They are probably gearing up for Tigers playoff baseball!  We can't head into the weekend without a little "glory", can we?

The MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 3-1!!!) is Bowling Green -7 @ UMass.  These book makers wants you to think about how bad the Badgers embarrassed the Falcons last week and not how great they were against Indiana.  The truth is that they are somewhere in the middle.  That middle is 14-20 points better than the Minutemen though.  I was also debating long and hard what to do about the RedHawks +4.5 at Buffalo.  Might be a decent Moneyline play but I'm not recommending it. 

See you on Monday...GOT ME SOME COLD CUTS!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Who is THE WORST: College Football Edition

I have nothing to add
The subject is very simple, really; give me a bottom ten list of the worst teams in college football the last five years. No, I'm not just talking about the teams with the worst record...even though that would give us a chance to give Miami of Oxford all the LULZ. This list should factor in expectations, hype, recruiting, and whatever intangible thing you can think of.

Off the top of my head there is a BIG 3 that come to mind; Michigan, Florida and Texas. I am going total anti-Drew here and doing absolutely zero fact checking for this list. Leggo!

10. FAU- This is the one that fired Bo Pelini's brother for doing hookers and coke deals at the coaching offices, right? I'm pretty sure. I can't imagine this team has ever made it to a bowl game, and if they have it was hosted in Serbia. I'm sure FIU fits the same mold, though.

9. SMU Mustangs- Craig James killed 5 hookers. Never forget that, internet. I'm pretty sure that June Jones just quit sometime in the last two weeks...and I'm pretty sure he was coaching this team. The only good thing to come out of SMU in the last five years is Emmanuel Sanders, who is leading my team to MSFL glory. Also SMU stand for Southern Methodist University just in case you had any doubts about them being the worst.

8. UAB Blazers- University of Alabama Birmingham Blazers just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. I remember betting against this team a lot over the last two years. In fact, I bet against them last year when Southern Miss got their only victory of the last two years. FUCK! Southern Miss should totes be on this list. Oh well, we move forward. But never forget about Roddy White putting UAB on the map.

7. Kansas Jayhawks- CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA!!! How much does Charlie Weis make a year? It's gotta be over $3 mil, right? And that's just from Kansas. I believe Notre Dame is still paying that fat fuck handsomely for stalling out that program's return to glory even longer. So what you will about Charlie Weis(FAT FUCKING ASS HOLE), but he knows how to handle his bidness.

6. Eastern Michigan- They hired Mike Hart. That's the only good decision that program has made in the last 2 decades, including allowing Iceman to play sports there for however long that lasted. FUN FACT: When you google search Iceman's real name(This was the only fact-checking I did to confirm that it was actually EMU he attended) his Facebook alias comes up! WAY TO THROW EM OFF THE TRAIL, PAL!!! Also, I'm pretty sure Mike Hart is no longer there.

5. Miami of Oxford- This team is and always will be awful. Another FUN FACT: Since allowing Grump and G$ to attend school, the team has never won more than 4 games. I imagine when G$'s first born visits campus they will tar and feather her. (I didn't figure I needed to address how horrible the actual football program is).

4. Washington State- Remember when Michigan beat Ryan Leaf in that Rose Bowl #CHAMPIONSHIP? He played for Washington State. That program has been one giant steaming pile of Mastodon dung ever since. Even with a pirate captain Leach heading that program the last 5 years, they still can't get rid of that stench. BRING OUT THE POOPER SCOOPER!

3. Texas Longhorns- I'm convinced Mack Brown spent the last years of his tenure finding different places to hide in the showers while the players cleaned up after practice. Every time he is on TV talking about them he just can't help but talk about what great guys they are and how much he loves them. That's all well and good, but he Lloyd Carr'd that program. The average fan has no idea how many craters Mack left in that program for Strong to it out of. But as a MICHIGAN MAN, I know how that goes all too well.

2. Michigan Wolverines- Well what do you know. It's time to talk about the Michigan Wolverines. I have so much to say about how terrible this program is...but I've said it a million times before and don't feeling like bashing your faces into it one more time. There last two coaching hires have been awful, for two totally different reasons. The fanbase is extremely bipolar in how they want the program to look and who they want running it. But the truth is all you have to do is win. Hoke went 11-2 with a BCS bowl victory in year 1. He was crowned the messiah by all the Ann Arbor faithful and that year was the turning point for Michigan Man Football. And boy was it. Getting incrementally worse for three years with no change is an exhaustively frustrating process to be put through as a fanbase. And I expect the fans to react by putting an end to the 40 year long streak of having 100,000 plus fans in the stadium for every home game. HAIL!

1. Florida Gators- How the fuck did this team only lose one game two years ago. It had to be the luckiest season ever. You don't just go from 12 to 4/5 victories because you're totes not a fluke. Muschamp just isn't fit for that job. I don't know exactly what it is, but just the way he squirms up there during pressers makes me pretty certain he was never meant for a gig like that. I know he was "in waiting" at Texas for awhile, and maybe that would have been a better fit for him, but he just doesn't seem like a guy who can run a big program. Somehow I like the trajectory of the Michigan program over Florida, and that's damn near fucking impossible. Also Urban Meyer totally bailed on that program because he was caught fucking a grad student.

So how #ELITE is this list? I have went back and did some fact-checking now and I must say I'm pleased with these results. I could have thrown in some other shit programs like Idaho, but I think this list maintains a nice balance of the truly awful like Miami OX and the painfully, chronic underachievers like Michigan. DEBATE!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Money Shot Says "Bye Jeets"

At some point this morning, I will be stuffed into a car with family members en route to New York City.  I am not looking forward to this commute.  I have a painful sinus infection and am still dealing with allergies.  But when EL CAPITAN takes his final bow, I must be there tomorrow night to hand him a bouquet of roses.  It does not appear that Jeter will be playing in the postseason or whatever the Windians played in last year which sucks.  Jeter is the greatest baseball to ever live and more of a man than anyone not named Dolph Lundgren.  Anyway, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night's final home game for #2 and even more pumped that I will be in Ide's backyard (he owns the entire eastern seaboard if you were unaware) and won't even bother reaching out to him.  I have his fantasy dues so his usefulness to me is non-existent.

While the Division Series matchups aren't set in stone yet, they are close enough for me to do a prediction post!  Making picks next Wednesday didn't seem cromulent so we're taking a leap of faith and doing them today.  DEAL WITH IT.

AL Play-In Game: Oakland over Kansas City.  I see both of these teams holding on.  The A's are a mess (Fuck you, Moneyball!) but Lester is better than Big Game James Shields.  "Big Game" is one of the best nicknames in all of sports by the way.
NL Play-In Game: San Francisco over Pittsburgh.  Good job "making the playoffs", Pirates and Royals.

ALDS: Los Angeles Angels over Oakland in 4.  Detroit over Baltimore in 5.  The A's spent all season proving that they can't beat Mike Trout.  That isn't going to change in October.  Tigers/O's could be really good.  OBVZ the Tigers have better pitching but Buck is so much of a better manager than Assmouth.

NLDS: Washington over San Francisco in 4.  Los Angeles over St. Louis in 4.  This is pretty simple.  The Nats were my preseason pick to win the pennant and Kershaw is better than Wainwright.

ALCS: Detroit over Los Angeles in 6.  God, do I hope I'm wrong.
NLCS: Washington over Los Angeles in 7.  Fuck you, LA! 

World Series: Washington over Detroit in 5.  FISTER'S REVENGE!!!  The Tigers deserve to get embarrassed in October (again) for fucking around all season long and letting losers hang (again).

Obviously, all of this will change when the Yankees win out behind the STREMPH of the Captain and then win another ring for The Captain but this is where we sit today.  I got some Nattitude!  RE2PECT.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

College Football Week 4


Good Gawd.



Well this was another great fucking week of college football, now wasn't it?  I did this post Saturday night because I left for Fort Myers early Sunday morning to drink until the announcement of Brady Hoke being fired was handed down (fingers crossed).  Hopefully I didn't miss it in between black outs.  So some of these late games I didn't stay up for, or didn't stay up for the entirety, since I don't care about you guys and I do this for free.  Lotta action to cover today.

Michigan vs. Utah

Fire Hoke.  Yet another shameful performance.  Gardner sucked (again), Funchess is playing hurt and all of a sudden Michigan can't run the ball.  On the Utah side Travis Wilson is lucky to be walking today.  I'm glad that kid is okay but...HOLY SHIT!!  Wilson was about as close as you can get to drinking his meals out of a straw for the rest of his life right before halftime.  Every last player on Michigan's defense should have gotten blown at some point Saturday night for keeping them in the game.  Well deserved for that performance.  The D started to break down some in the second half but what the fuck do you expect when the offense is 3 and out almost every fucking possession?  The only smart thing Hoke did all day was benching Gardner.  Then Morris was picked on his first series.  Bad, bad, bad.  I'm not sure I've ever been this embarrassed by Michigan football.  Fire Hoke.

Melvin Gordon III

What a fucking day by Gordon.  Joey Galloway tried to steal the spot light by being a complete dip shit but Gordon was just too good.  Honestly...is there anyone worse than Joey Galloway?  I would rather suck on a battery while getting fucked by a lawnmower blade than listen to Galloway talk about anything.  The military should use Galloway as a way to torture sensitive information out of POWs.  Just awful.

Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech

LOL.  Continues to be a quality loss to the 2-2 Fake Neck Hoakies, Ohio Buckeyes.  For all of the shit Buckeye fans give Michigan fans, they're a Cincy loss away from having the same exact record as the Wolverines.

Indiana vs. Missouri

A week ago Indiana loses to a BGSU team that just got their butts turned inside out by Wisconsin this week...and this week Indiana beat a ranked ESS EEE SEE team.  *sigh*  I don't know, man.  I'm sure Missouri will still end the year ranked and I'm sure Indiana will still finish in the bottom half of the Big 10.  Good win for the conference but this is your classic case of Indiana playing its best game on a day Missouri played one of its worst.  Cakes probably popped a dick vein on Saturday to the Big Ten beating the SEC.  Indiana doing something the Ohio Buckeyes can't.  Good for them.

Kenny Hill

So this guy might be pretty good, yeah?  Let the Kenny Football nicknames start flying since everyone needs a nickname and people are rarely original these days.

LSU vs. Mississippi St.

Get Lester the Molester a 5th of toilet water to wash away the sorrow.  Lesbihonest...LSU was never in this game and they were fortunate to get back in it in the 4th quarter.  Maybe Mississippi St. is the TRUF like some of our esteemed preseason panel thought.  Look for MSU to crack the top 20 this week.  Then look for Cakes to piss and moan about it.

Clemson vs. Florida St.



True American Heroes

I can't believe those two pioneers were kicked out of the Gameday set.  This game was highlighted by a plethora of outstanding sign creations before the kickoff even happened.  Even Ohio Buckeye fans can appreciate what was going on with this beaut...



Even though I love Mark May and how much Ohio fans want to watch him drown in a barrel of piss, I can't ignore the excellent trolling happening here.  On to the game.  Jameis Winston really is the best.  Dude walked onto the field in full pads to warm up like he really didn't think he was suspended.  Like FSU was gonna be like, "Just kidding...you can play."  LOL.  This guy may honestly have a mental deficiency.  So this Sean "Jerry" MaGuire guy got the start today and it was......turd soup.  Every time MaGuire stepped onto the field his eyes looked like he just walked in on his dad spraying a fat load on his mom's face porn style.  This one is going to hurt Clemson and their fans for awhile.  So many chances just pissed away.  FSU dodged a fucking bullet on this one.

That's it for today.  Plenty of games to talk about...especially if Oregon LOL'ed it up against Washington.  If you get time do yourself a favor and go read the ESPN article about Urban Meyer being depressed and mentally broken at Florida.  For all the dung Ohio fans give Michigan for Hoke, Ol' URBZ sure sounds like a guy I want coaching my team.  Someone who lets the pressure get to him so much where he feels like he's about to fucking die.  Not to mention he pretty much admitted to being a drug addict and an alcoholic.  LOL.  Great comedy piece by ESPN.  Fuck Notre Dam and fuck Larry in his stupid ass.

Monday, September 22, 2014

The Worst of Week Three Vol.VIII

Johnny Foreskin IMO
I don't know about the rest of you losers, but I'm sick and fucking tired of seeing John McEnroe pop up in commercials in 2014 to mock scream at some referee.  Dude bro, it has been 25 years since you've been an athlete and even at your best that schtick was old and tired and sad...GIVE IT A REST.  I don't know what Johnny Mac is promoting now  (some sort of cell service with Andy Roddick maybe?) but how about you become something more than "asshole from the 80's".  That will do it for my tennis coverage for the rest of the year.  Now where is Michael Chang with my War Su Gai???  Since I mentioned Roddick, I should also add Brooklyn Decker > Kate Upton forever.  FOREVER.  DEAL WITH IT.  So how about we discuss another banner week in the National Football League!

Roger Goodell - Well, that was certainly a horrible press conference on Friday afternoon. Good job trying to bury that heading into the weekend but you done fucked your shit up so bad that that was wishful thinking.  This just keeps getting worse and worse.  The ONLY way that this goes away is if Rog quits and he says that he won't so this isn't going to end any time soon. Strap yourselves in for more shit.

Howard Stern - Way to send one of your cronies in to that press conference to drop some negative LOLZ.  You aren't relevant anymore, Howie.  YOU are the pig vomit.

Josh McCown - Goodell should have apologized for putting Tampa Bay on in prime-time.  Who would have ever guessed that McCown's 2013 season was a total fluke other than everyone ever???

Terry Bradshaw - Look, son, you don't need your son-in-law to have a great pregame show!  But seriously, RIP Robby Bironas, you ended up on one my fantasy teams every year since 1972.  I love you forever bubba.

Danny Woodhead - In what is ten times worse than whatever Ray Rice did, Woodhead needing the cart almost immediately after the game started was heart breaking.  I love the Chargers.  That team is legit.  Not legit = Buffalo.  Good job getting the team to stay but your QB stinks.

Robert Quinn - I know that this cat is good but is he really worth 66 million over 4 years???  That seems like a lot.  Does he also play QB.  The Rams are hot dogshit.  That is one awful team.  They get less results than the Ferguson PD.  Topical!

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Did you know that he graduated from Harvard?  It's nice to see Arian Foster already being a bitch.  Who the fuck is Alfred Blue and congrats to all those tards that added him!  I'm sure that he was a real factorback.  The Texans started the season with WAS, @OAK, and @NYG...that is really fucking easy.

Drew Brees - What the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the Breesus Days of Yore?  He is simply pedestrian now.  I do not care for this.  I'll blame Sean Payton.   Also, the Vikings suck pig balls.

Not South Park- Oh baby, the season premiere on Wednesday night deals with Dan Snyder and his love of Native Americans.  That should be ELITE.

The Bengals IMO - I look pretty stupid for thinking that they would underachieve this season.  They look incredible through three weeks.  Andy Dalton is catching touchdown passes.  Jeremy Hill hasn't sexually assaulted anyone.  It's crazy.  Hell, even Mike Brown is being a human being with feelings by treating Devon Still like his son.  The Bengals in 2014 are a model franchise.  Was not expecting to ever admit that.

Johnny Football - HA!  THEY TRIED TO RUN "SIDELINE PLAY"!!!  WE RAN THAT SHIT TO PERFECTION IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!  There is nothing more Mickey Mouse than Sideline Play.

Joe Haden and Justin Gilbert and Slick Willie Cundiff - Those are your goats, folks!  What a hilarious home loss that was.  Just a complete choke which can be expected when you go against Big Joe ELITE.  Those "shutdown cornerbacks" are more like shitdown corners.  Serpentini should fire Haden.

Cakes - STOP IT.  Can we make a deal amongst our community of assholes?  You can't tweet more than 5 times during your team's games.  You aren't a beat reporter.  No one is reading your thoughts other than people who barely tolerate you.  Make a few funny quips and watch the fucking game.  I don't need to read about the "buzz at the stadium".  How the fuck do you know this?  A fucking tool once queefed, GIVE IT A REST, and it applies to everyone socially.

Stephen Tulloch - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Aaron Rodgers and Used To Be More Fat Stafford - Hey jerks, that was supposed to be a shootout.  For fuck's sake, the Lions Defense outscored Green Bay.  The Packers stink.  They could easily be 0-3 and probably should be if the Jets weren't stupid.

Andrew Luck - STOP THROWING THE BALL TO AHMAD BRADSHAW. Christ, Wayne and Hilton have a combined zero scores this year and Mr. IR has 3 receiving touchdowns.  Knock that shit off.  Goddamn Cakes guy.

Non-Pollacks - You probably saw that every point scored in the dreadful OAK/NE game was by a guy with the suffix -owski.  That's dumb.  It might be time to take Tom Brady out back and put a bullet between his eyes.  Dude looks a LOT like "final year Dan Marino" and that is not a compliment.

Jim HarBRAH - Yeah, he's already mentally in Ann Arbor.  That's the worst kept secret at this site.  Since he can't beat Drew Stanton in the pros LOL, maybe he can stomp on his alma mater instead?  Colin Kaepernick looks terrible, too.  I should also mention that Larry Fitzgerald is a corpse.

Miami Dolphins - They blow.  They should be trying to get into the Jameis derby.  He would fit in well down there.  He could take Richie Incognito's old locker.

Peyton Manning - Yeah, the comeback was quite ELITE but he was so bad for the first three and a half quarters.  SO BAD.  That arm STREMPH was Pennington-esque.  What I'm trying to say here is that Eli beat a rugged 2-0 team yesterday while Outlaw Country choked again.  FACT.  In all honesty though, the Broncos D looked pretty good or the Seahawks just assumed that 17 points would be enough.  It almost was.  The funny thing is that Seattle knows that Denver can not beat them.

DeAngelo Hall - The 2012 Best Player in the NFL said that he tore his Achilles yesterday.  God speed, you stud.

Brandon Merriweather - My God, he was fucking abysmal.  Every garbage fluke touchdown that piece of shit Foles threw was a result of The Concussion King getting roasted and toasted.  BM are very fitting initials.

That was fun though - Man, those two teams HATE each other.  I like that.  I like DeSean getting some amount of revenge.  I like Eagles fans booing for reasons that they will never be able to explain.  I mean, seriously, it wasn't HIS decision to leave.  I LOVED Chris Baker fucking murdering Foles on that interception that wasn't.  Why the fuck is that a penalty anyway?  He was five yards away from a DB trying to score.  It looked to me like he was interested in making a tackle.  So he should pay the punishment for not having his head on a swivel.  I liked Jason Peters throwing a punch back.  And the game was great.  Cousins and Foles just going back and forth.  Those teams looked pretty equal to me.  The Eagles are just a little cleaner with the fundamentals.  That's fine.  The Skins--with Cousins--look like a playoff contender to me.  We'll see what they do Thursday when ELITE Manning comes to DC.

FANTASY! - Looks like a 2-2 week for this guy.  How I'm 2-1 in the LFL is a mystery but I'll take it.  Goddamn, Adrian Peterson has thrown a wrench into a lot of my fantasy plans this year.  We're relying on hard work and grit in 2014 and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Fuck you, Cakes and Ide.  Go tweet black dick pics to each other.  I'm sure that your collections are massive anyway.

That will do it for me today.  I started this on Saturday evening because I am a stud with an amazing social calendar and Iceman was already plugging away with tomorrow's FUCK YOU HOKE post.  I didn't read it but I assume that it will be a doozy.  Stay tuned, bruh.