It's A Three Day Weekend! WHO WANTS CAKE!

He was told that there would be cakes.

Hello there, three day weekend, good to see you again. You haven’t shown up for a while. I missed you. I assume that everyone is already fired up for Memorial Day festivities and have already checked out mentally for the day so I guess that I should do. I’m not one to rise above the mean.

But in case you haven’t checked Facebook yet today, you may not know that today is Cakes’ birthday. I don’t know how old he actually he is but mentally he just turned 8. Congrats, BRO, on living another day! How about we just waste today discussing only topics that Cakes would contribute toward!

*The WINDIANS! I’m still not buying into them. You can’t just keep outscoring the opposition. 4 of your 5 starters are average at best and your closer is a shitburger. Enjoy it while it lasts because you know what’s coming…crushing defeat.

*The Brown Stains! I don’t think that we’ve talked enough about how embarrassing your new owner is. This guy is a real shithead who most definitely should be serving time in prison for his white collar chicanery. Out of all of the horrible things that has happened to this fan base, having a criminal as owner is just the cherry on top of the Art Modell turd sundae. I hope that Goodell takes the team from him and then they sell it to Jay-Z or some other nincompoop.

*OHIO BUCKEYE FOOTBALL! I heard numerous rumors from multiple Wal-Mart Wolverines over the weekend that The Hokester is CRUSHING Urb’s pussy on the recruiting trail for next year. I can not confirm or deny these charges but since I don’t like the red and gray, I will confirm these allegations to be true. Hoke-a-mania is running wild on King Buttfucker!

*The weather! It is supposed to be really nice this weekend which is in stark contrast to last Memorial Day when it was a billion degrees. Funny story: Damman and I were scheduled to ump a tripleheader together over that weekend and he did the plate for the first game while I would be doing the dish for the other two. After game one, he was so dehydrated that I found him lying under a tree covered in his own Spaghetti-O’s puke or whatever he ate. He lived so it was hilarious. I’ll give him credit though, he came back to do the bases for game 3. I was not deterred because I am all that is man. FYI, we are working together for three on Monday morning. Fingers crossed that he makes it!

*Tinted eyewear! Never forget Coach Tress.

*Bestiality! I assume so. You know, I really don’t know Cakes all that well after all. I’m putting that on my resume.

Well, that will do it for All Cakes Day here at The Shot. We will be dark on Monday but Tuesday will pick up exactly where you all want it to…at the Indy 500! Just do a little digging about the event this year and you will be able to figure out what I’m talking about. Also I’m sure that there will be a lot of talk about Ice, Ide, and myself doing RUN FOR YOUR LIVES tomorrow (I’m sure that you’re thrilled that you won’t have to read about that anymore) as well as Drew’s trip to NOLA. Have a good weekend, stay safe, and try not to shit your pants, Drew.

More Reminders That Weddings Are a Pain In The Ass

STRAIGHT.

Since the season is officially upon us (congrats again, LS and Dawg), I’ve still got weddings on the brain. While there will be plenty of time to discuss the festivities of our commenters’ gatherings at a later date, today we should spend some time discussing the forthcoming (or not coming) nuptials of some football players. We all had a rollicking good chortle at the expense of worst best man ever, Daniel, on Monday so I’ll throw him a bone and discuss one of his beloved Bills before I talk about my BFF.

Mario Williams is suicidal? – This is a tremendous story that just keeps getting better and better with every new leak to the media. So Mario bought his fiancée an engagement ring for almost 800K. Think about that for a minute…that is INSANE. No woman’s finger is worth that much unless you got away with rape in Colorado and want to avoid being murdered in your sleep (Vanessa Bryant is a nutjob). It didn’t work out between Williams and his future bride so they called it off. He wants the ring back. She ain’t having none of that. Now I think that they are suing each other. She is implying that Williams has had suicidal thoughts and wanted to swallow up all the pills. This pissed off the Bills pass rusher as you might imagine. Well, this is escalating rather quickly! EVERYONE is on edge after Buddy Nix drafted a horrible QB in the first round and then retired two weeks later probably out of embarrassment!

OK, the dude is allowed to get that ring back unless it was given on Greg “The Hammer” Valentine’s Day, her birthday, or Christmas (or you could be a stud like me and give it as a combo present on CHRISTmas/her birthday which are one day a part AKA the worst day to be born ever). It doesn’t sound like Mario proposed on either of these days so she should quit being a whore and give it back. While professional athletes aren’t prone to making sound business decisions, this actually seems like the correct call for Mario as he clearly realized that he didn’t want to marry an insane person. So I give him credit there for not going through with it. But this broad seemingly has no issue airing his dirty laundry (even if they are lies) and you just signed a 9 figure contract last year so I would suggest that he just drop this, let it go, chalk it up as a life lesson, and move on. That divorce in 8 months would have cost a lot more than the ring did, BRAH. Now stay away from the pills and actually get some sacks this season.

RG3 is tired of the haters – If there is one small problem that I have with my stud quarterback it is that he doesn’t have the thickest skin in the world. He tends to listen to all the critics instead of just ignoring them. It is as if he doesn’t understand that @waneyweb is just a harmless internet troll. In what should have barely been a story, Bobby and his future female wife (you know, because straight people) have a gift registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (Really? I was registered there and I’m a shithead. You are better than me. Start acting like it.) Millions of moron Skins fans (such as myself but I had nothing to do with this I swear), decided to buy up everything that they wanted and sent it to the happy interracial couple. He posted a picture of himself with all the boxes of wedding gifts and probably said something that black folk like to say such as “SO BLESSED” or something dumb.

And then the shitstorm commenced like a tornado in an Oklahoma elementary school with a bunch of his Twitter followers demanding that he give the gifts to charity or refuse them altogether. First of all, FUCK THAT. They registered for that stuff because they wanted it. It doesn’t matter who buys it for them. If anything, having it come from randoms is better because that means no Thank You card and those are THE WORST. Second, it’s not like RG3 actually asked complete strangers and star-fuckers to buy him a knife set or a box of ShamWows. Someone found it online and leaked it to Skins fans and they took care of the rest. People love you enough to buy you shit, you don’t insult them by giving it to some loser orphanage.

Finally, for God’s sake, don’t respond to your followers EVER. And if you do, don’t say fucktarded things like “just because I’m rich I can’t accept presents? SMH.” You come off like an ignorant and pompous douche-cake. When you are at the top of the humanity food chain like I am, haters are always gonna hate. It is what gets them through their miserable lives. Complaining about dumb stuff is the #1 tenet of the Tea Party (burn!) and most of social media. Don’t feel bad because people freaking love you and a few don’t. So please accept the Slap Chop that I bought you and your future bride and keep rehabbing that knee. We’ve got a Chip Kelly to murder in week one.

I found both of these stories to be interesting and fitting with the time so that’s why we went with them today. And I will conclude this post with a message that I normally just say to you which should definitely be taken as a FACT to millionaire athletes…NEVER GET MARRIED. Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods?

America's Favorite Dweeb Does It Again

He even whispers in Comic Sans

Well, I certainly didn't anticipate writing about the NBA Draft Lottery today but here I am reveling in another dominating performance from Nick Gilbert.  Unbelievable.  Let's just rock out our classic bullet-point format to express my emotions of the Cavaliers getting the #1 pick for the second time in three years.

*They TOTES don't deserve this.  I'm a fan of teams getting rewarded with the top pick if they played hard all season and the Cavs most definitely did not.  They were unwatchable for the last third of the season.  The worst record was never a possibility so they were tanking for the third worst which is even more pathetic.

*Nick Gilbert GUARANSHEED that he wouldn't be back next year.  PLAYOFFS!  The sick kid promised!

*This isn't really a great year to have that pick but they said that two years ago and we ended up with a TRANSCENDENT player and a double/double machine.

*Some of the idiot commenters at WFNY were actually pissed that we won the #1 pick.  Never forget that Cleveland fans are tards.  We are guaranteed to get the one guy that we want.  There is never anything wrong with that.  But who?

*That's the massive question.  To me, there are only two choices and they are Nerlens Noel or Otto Porter Jr.  I don't think that you could go wrong with either player.  Porter does everything well except get to the rim and we have other guys who can do that.  He is a good defensive player, too, which I'm sure that ELITE coach Mike Brown Stains would covet.

*And then there is Noel.  Shit, how do you fairly judge him?  I mean, he was the CLEAR #1 pick before he got hurt and now he's done through at least the first month or two of the season with that disgusting knee injury.  He's an ELITE defender and rebounder but not the most polished scorer.  He can't be a great player at 209 pounds though.  That is a FACT.  He absolutely has to get 230 on that frame just to survive but any decent STREMPH coach can put that on a world class athlete.

*We also have picks #19, 32, and 33.  Don't forget that.  I am almost certain that we get another lottery pick to land another solid player.  Philly needs a ton of help.  You might be able to get their pick (11, I think) for that haul. 

*So what would I do if you made me pick today?  Damn.  It's a really tough call.  I suppose that I would bring Noel in and ask him how he feels about Derrick Rose and what he did this season.  If he says that he respects him then the pick is Porter.  If he calls Rose a bitch then Noel is my guy and he goes straight to the weight room and daily meals at Melt.  I really like both of those guys though.  I don't think that we can miss.  I trust that Chris Grant knows what he's doing.  Gun to my head...I'm taking Nerlens but that doesn't matter because this choice is way above my pay grade.

*In other news, the White Trash beat the Losedians.  Or at least they're up 4-1 at the time of me saving this.  Discuss that.  I know that Jeff is trying to pry Jut off of my team...Bryce Harper is mighty tempting

*Apparently, some teams are still playing in the NBA playoffs.  We're going to get Spurs/Heat so don't worry about watching too much of these games.  You should only be worried about mock drafts at this point.

Believe me that I wasn't planning on writing about this today.  But Nick Gilbert would just not be denied.  GO CAVS!

Get Your Debate Cups On.

 Fitting way to start this post.

Nothing quite like starting a blog at 11PM.  WOOOOO!  Get ready for some top flight journalism, fellas.  I feel like a college kid again cramming for a final 7 hours before it starts.  Maybe I'll get crushed on some Natural Light real quick to really authenticate this.  On second thought...I've already had diarrhea twice in the past 4 days.  So...

With the Knicks recent impressive meltdown against the Pacers, it got me thinking.  I know there were quite a few people negligently putting massive stock into the Knicks this year for completely unknown reasons.  Maybe they spent too much time watching Spike Lee joints.  Maybe they were born with a half a brain.  Maybe they're just meat head New York fucks who still think Tiki Barber is a top 5 running back.  But the rest of us knew God Damn well that the Knicks were massively OVERRATED.  And that thought birthed the following last minute post.  What "star athletes" are the most OVERRATED in their sport?

NBA

Carmelo Anthony - I can think of no better person to start with than Melo.  Widely considered a superstar since his first day in the NBA, Anthony has always never been worth the risk, in my opinion.  I know there are still some Piston fans butt hurt about not drafting Anthony over blond Dracula, AKA Darko Milicic...but I remain steadfast that it was the correct move.  Plus, if you look at Anthony's league history it's not like he would have been in Detroit for long.  On the way to work today I heard Brandon Tierney flapping his anus about the Knicks organization failing to get Melo help...and that's why they failed to live up to expectations this year.  Uhhhhh, FALSE.  Listen, I'm not saying that Amare Stoudemire, Ray-Tits Felton and Tyson Chandler are superstars.  But they certainly aren't Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes and Titties Gibson...guys LeBron fucking carried to the NBA finals in 2007.  Albeit in a fluky year when the East was especially terrible.

My point is this.  The problem isn't with the Knicks.  The problem is with Carmelo Anthony.  He isn't a team player and is one of the most selfish guys to ever play in the league.  He'll take a back seat to no one and demands the ball every time down the court.  It doesn't matter if he's triple teamed.  That fucking rock is getting hoisted from any spot on the floor when it gets sucked into the orange and blue #7 black hole.  True superstars make everyone around them better.  Best example...LeBron James in 2007 even though they had the easiest road in the history of the NBA.  I'll forever take jabs at that team because Tit Gibson deserves credit for nothing in life.  If Carmelo was even half the player LeBron James is then he should have no problem getting a team with All-Stars and Olympic Champions to the Eastern Conference Finals at minimum.  But he's a fucking ball hog with a shit attitude and probably enjoys the smell of other people's flatulence.  Carmelo Anthony is OVERRATED.

Derrick Rose - I used to think Rose was one of the best 5 point guards in the league.  Not any more.  First...for obvious reasons.  He's a quitter bitch and got paid this year to lie about his knee and fiddle around with everyone's dicks while he took a 12 month vacation.  I would almost applaud the hustle if he didn't turn into a throbbing cunt down the stretch when questioned about it.  If you take an extended vacation after doctors clear you...expect to answer questions EVERY DAY about it.  That's how shit works, brah.  Sorry, Derrick.  Didn't mean to cut into your golf time with Charles Barkley.  Or whoever you were playing hooky with on the golf course while you were "rehabbing" your knee.

Second, when your team plays as well as the Bulls did the entire year AND into the playoffs with the dumpster scraps they had, you start to question just how important Rose is to that team.  And the answer is not very.  Seriously, you put almost ANYONE besides NateRob at point guard (who was the 3rd string point guard, mind you!!!) and this team just might have made it a series against Miami.  I mean...it was almost a series and Chicago had shit on their roster.  Literally shit.  I'm not saying Chicago wins the series...mainly because Carlos Boozer is a 31 year old bridge troll with adult bacne and a mouth that could fit a bowling pin sideways...I'm just saying even Kirk Hinrich brings more to the table than NateRob.  Derrick Rose is OVERRATED.

NFL

Ben Roethlisberger - For years analysts have been shaft shining Big Ben's rape nub he calls a penis.  And for years I've been calling bullshit.  This past season we all had the PLEASURE of watching the Steelers miss the playoffs for the 2nd time in 4 years.  Finally, I feel like the curtain of fraudulence is being removed and what we all see is Raper lifting up his gut to wash his balls...and seeing him exposed for the OVERRATED quarterback he really is.  Trent Dilfer once showed us that all you need is a sweet defense to win Super Bowls when you are an incredibly average quarterback.  Now that Raper's once dominant defense is gray bushed and falling apart, the real average quarterback is starting to flash his man tits.

If you want further proof of Raper's OVERRATEDNESS, look no further than his playoff stats.  This limp turd has been fucking abysmal in the playoffs from the start of his tubby career.  For every luck ass game winning TD pass thrown to a pot head that Steeler fans love to point out, I can reference to 4 or 5 turnovers or plays where his defense bailed him out.  You cannot tell me that 20 TD passes to 17 INTs and 6 fumbles for career playoff stats are what we consider ELITE these days.  Now Raper lost the only thing he had that was even resembling a true #1 target.  I expect him to be even worse this year.  Ben Roethlisberger is OVERRATED.

Ndamukong Suh - After Suh's mildly productive rookie season, it seems he's making headlines these days not for his overly average play, but for his second nature ability to cheap shot on the field.  I'm not sure what's more belly clutching hilarious...Lions fans believing that Suh is one of the best defensive linemen in the game or Suh's attempts to explain how his totally obvious cheap shots weren't cheap shots.  "Uhhhh.  I wasn't trying....uhhh....to decapitate Jake Delhomme.  I....uhhh....was....uhhhh....noticed.....uhhhh.....that his helmet was on crooked.  Yeah.  Crooked.  And I didn't want him getting hurt.  That's it!  And I was just trying to do the good Samaritan thing and fix it for him.  He was just running too fast and if you know anything about physics, man!  Hahahahahahahaha! *sigh* Next question please."

The reality is this.  Teams have caught on to the only thing Suh knows how to do.  And that's get on all fours and bull rush the offensive lineman.  Because he's a dumb fucking ape.  Teams are getting smarter and Suh is getting dumber.  In the next few years the only time we'll read about Suh is in the police blotter for threatening another innocent citizen or on SportsCenter...for booting another quarterback in the sack nuggets.  Either way, Ndamukong Suh is OVERRATED.

MLB - Feel free to discuss who you like here since I won't even begin to pretend to know shit about baseball.  I would say Ryan Raburn but you probably have to be good at one point to be considered OVERRATED.

NHL - See above and replace Raburn with EVERYONE on the Blackhawks.  Drew is gonna foot stomp Prime's genital grapes today until he makes the most disgusting sack wine on the planet.

That's all for this incredibly UNDERRATED last minute blog idea.  Man...my full time job is really getting in the way of something I don't get paid to do.  My job should really learn to leave me more time for leisure activities while I'm on the clock.  Selfish bastards.  You all are OVERRATED.

It's Time To Angel-Proof The Game

WHERE'S MY CRACK AT, YO!!!

Well, I’m just going to write this post on Friday and hope that it remains somewhat relevant through the weekend (it will). I know that after crushing many brew-dogs with BRAHs on Saturday night and then driving back home yesterday, I’m not going to want to get out the old blogging binder on Sunday. I was thinking about live-blogging LS’s wedding reception but how many times do you want to read:

8:44 – Dut enters restroom followed closely by strange looking man who does not appear to be an invited guest.
8:45 – Mr. Ace enters restroom
8:52 – Random man exits with goofy smile on face and hair askew
8:53 – Here comes Dut licking his lips and counting a small wad of cash
8:54 – Mr. Ace exits with wide eyes and giant erect clitoris that you can see through his soy-based slacks

I don’t want to do that. So instead, you get this. You all know me as someone who will defend the job that umpires do. It isn’t easy. If you aren’t right 100% of the time, you’re never going to hear the end of it. But it’s getting to the point in MLB that things have to change. While 95% of these guys are really good at their jobs, the other 5% are ruining it for everyone. It’s sort of like that gun control argument we had here a few months ago. A few can and will spoil it for everyone. And they have. It’s time to expand instant replay already.

We all know that Angel Hernandez (who is somehow a crew chief this year) is shit. Fieldin Culbreth and his crew didn’t even know the rules in Houston last week which led to a suspension*. CB Bucknor is always considered to be one of the worst. John Hirschbeck purposely antagonized Bryce Harper so he could throw him out and teach him a lesson (what lesson…no one knows). Joe West is fucking ass. Enough is enough. Fuck your feelings and your extreme hatred of being “shown up”. It’s about getting EVERY call right. It’s actually time to get every call right.

*During a series in Houston between the Angels and Astros, Houston manager Bo Porter let his pitcher warm up in the 7th inning only to take him out before the first batter came to the plate in the inning. This is against the rules as it is a stall tactic and a MASSIVE waste of time for a sport that already wastes more of it than they should. The inning just ended—why isn’t your next relief pitcher ready? The umpires allowed it. Mike Scioscia got tossed over it. MLB apologized for the crew being fucking stupid and not knowing what the goddamn rules are that they are paid well to enforce.

Here is my proposal for enhancing instant replay while still keeping the same system in place now. First of all, you get an MLB official not affiliated with any team up in a booth at each stadium with access to all camera angles. He does nothing unless notified. Second, you allow each manager one challenge per game. These can not be used for balls and strikes. They can be used for safe/out, pulled foot, catch/no catch, appeals…whatever, just not on pitches. The manager comes out and challenges a call, the crew chief puts on a headset to talk to the man in the booth, and the man reviews the play. It would take MAYBE 2 minutes and would make everyone feel better. Plus, you know, THEY WOULD GET THE CALLS RIGHT without worrying about the umpire’s feelings which should not be considered anyway.

Like I said, most of these guys do a great job but it seems like the worst umpires also double up as the most arrogant. Jim Joyce had one of the greatest fuck-ups of all time but he owned it like a man and I think that most people respect him now because he was contrite and we are a forgiving society. But Angel misses an easy home run call and not a peep of remorse from him and there never will be. And that’s fucked up. In conclusion, it’s time that MLB does the right thing and uses all of this technology that we have access to and end the drama caused by subjective calls. Before I go, how about a quick personal umpiring story from me!

Well, my high school season is over and it is time for the much more lucrative summer baseball schedule to commence. My last games of the year were a varsity DH between a 6 win team and 1 win team. It was not good baseball. But it did provide a situation that I had never seen before. The one win team’s 8 hitter was batting in the second inning and he was not good. He missed the first two pitches by a combined six acres. Staring at an 0-2 count, the pitcher was in his wind-up when someone from the batter’s team yelled from the dugout, “YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!” I should mention that he yelled this AT HIS TEAMMATE THAT WAS BATTING. I started laughing before the pitch got to the plate as did the catcher. The kid swung and missed as expected. He did not look happy. It was hilarious. I have never seen anything like that ever.

OK then, if you have some thoughts on my replay proposal, the general state of umpiring, my story at the end, or Li’l Strut’s hopefully fun wedding then feel free to discuss while Ide holds off on his fire-breathing until noon-ish. YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!

What to Expect Once You've Said "I Do"

Li’l Strut’s happy ass is getting married tomorrow (to a diehard Notre Dame fan LOL!) so when he asks for a post topic, he damn well gets it. After all, this is the same guy who happened to be the giver of the first card that I opened up the day after my wedding when both families were sitting around watching. The first words that I read on it were “BIG BLACK DILDO” among other ELITE phrases. Someone asked who it was from and what it said. I replied that it was from LS and that it was wildly inappropriate. I didn’t mean that though. I loved it. Well done. Since you and your family are going to be getting me shit-house drunk tomorrow night, I will oblige your request for “The Best and Worst of Being Married”.

Once the honeymoon is over, the honeymoon is literally over. It’s just you and your bride/domestic partner from now until one of you dies or you get one of those cool divorces that many seem to love these days. Oh boy, “forever” is a really long fucking time. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME/YOU ABOUT THAT! I was lied to! I am by no means an expert on marriage but I am learning how to navigate through its almost constantly depressing shittiness. There are good days and there are bad but one thing will never change…you’re in this for the long haul. So, as you requested, here is just a small sample list of the Best and Worst things about marriage (pay attention, LS, regular Strut, Iceman, Seal, and Jeff because your days of reckoning are coming).

BEST: You got yourself a teammate – This is underrated. It’s kind of nice to have someone who is always looking out for your best interests. You don’t want a teammate like Vince Carter though who only cares about making himself look good.

WORST: Who you think you married is not who you actually married – I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing. She$ and I never lived together until a week before the wedding. Actually, she spent quite a few years living with Dut and the Sauls. I was always told that she was a great roommate and always cleaning up and whatever. NOT TRUE. As I still remind her today, her roommate qualities are vastly OVERRATED. I am a way superior roommate. If you start a load of laundry then you are not allowed to fall asleep and assume that your spouse will fold that shit for you! THIS HAPPENS EVERY WEEK.

BEST: Congrats on your new vent – Get ready to hear daily and endless stories about what happened to her at work that day. I don’t have concrete numbers to back this up, but you will not care about 99% of these stories. These are almost always shared at the dinner table so thankfully you can stuff your face as she blabs. Eat as fast as you can because once you are done, you can leave and you definitely need to leave. However, if there is ever a time where you actually have something to get off your chest, having a wife around to listen to you bitch is pretty good. She will always say something condescending once you calm down, but it’s still better than yelling at nothing.

WORST: You will lose remote control battles – This has been discussed before. Right now, you do not know that Bravo and Lifetime and E! exist as networks. But you will. Oh yes, you will. The key is to find a few shows that you both like/tolerate. I fucking loathe Parenthood but I put up with it just because it allows me to tell her how awful it is every week. Did you know that The Voice is on 10 days per week for 6 hours at a time? I DO!!!

BEST: Somehow life gets cheaper – Being able to combine incomes is a huge thing especially when you are a tight ass like me. I wouldn’t consider myself cheap, per se, because I have no problem buying things. I just don’t like to. The last time that I bought clothing that wasn’t umpire-related or a t-shirt was 1984. Plus, owning property is WAY smarter than renting unless you live in New York which you do not.

WORST: You are NEVER alone – Every once in a while, you just mentally need some time to yourself. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to talk to you. That will not happen anymore. I’ve learned that the easiest way to be left alone is to turn on something that she has no interest in watching so she goes upstairs to drool over Adam Levine or whoever. Things that always work are professional wrestling, hockey, and Star Wars movies. She knows that I do this on purpose. I don’t care. If it ain’t broke…

BEST: You will become less disgusting – Have you ever went an entire weekend without showering? Ever worn the same underwear for a full week because you are too lazy to do the laundry? Fart whenever you want to or not turn the fan on in the shitter? Those days are over! And to be honest, that isn’t a bad thing.

WORST: You know how sometimes your family is annoying? You just gained another one! – We’ve been over this a ton already. They may be great in-laws, but they’re still going to demand your time and space at times that aren’t convenient. Take this for example: I’m supposed to move my parents’ old deep freezer out of their garage which I need my FIL’s truck to do. It is too big for us but we are in talks of giving it to the in-laws in exchange for their half-sized deep freezer. I am already trying to do the math to see if it will fit in one of our cars (it won’t). That means that now they have another excuse to come visit us. For delivery of a free freezer, I now have to waste a weekend. Tell me how that makes sense. Plus, I can’t go to Iceman’s bachelor party at The Bay because of a weekend at the miserable lake.

BEST: You just hired a cleaning lady and a cook – I am a pretty clean guy anyway and an excellent chef but it is always good to share duties with someone else.

WORST: Ummmm, feminine hygiene products in your bathroom – A sad reality.

BEST: You don’t have to date anymore – I can’t even imagine doing that. It has to be so awful. Where do you even meet decent non-whores anymore? Should I get a profile at Christian Mingle or that one site for Farmers? WHY NOT BOTH!

WORST: Small things will annoy the shit out of you – She$ trolls every night. She never pushes in her chair after dinner but always yells at the dog to get down from trying to eat crumbs off the table. She will get a glass or dish out of a cupboard and then not shut the cabinet door. She often falls asleep on the couch at like 8 pm and then gets pissed at me when I tell her to go to bed. She doesn’t hang up my office shirts right as they are always facing the wrong way. She does this on purpose because she gets great joy out of me overreacting (underreacting in my opinion). Your wives will do the same thing and you will die on the inside.

BONUS WORST: You’re going to have to come to grips – We all love football. It is the greatest. Watching it on TV or experiencing it live is quality time that no wife could ever replicate. However, your days of College Gameday AND tailgating AND watching at bars AND dicking with your fantasy lineup AND a full day of RedZone AND the DFL chat AND Sunday Night football are over. You have to pick. Most sane people will give you one day to watch football and the other to do shit around the house or (ugh) run errands with her. You must choose and choose wisely. For me, I’ll get all of my wife crap done on Saturday so that I don’t have to move on Sunday. I regret nothing.

There you go, LS and others, I hope that that helps or at least gave you a chortle. Unless you married a total cunt, marriage isn’t very hard. The worst part is getting used to wearing a stupid ring (as I’ve said many times). Good luck tomorrow and while I am bailing on the actual wedding, I will be fully prepared to make Biggest Strut regret paying for an open bar. I’ll see many of you there. Don’t forget to pay me, Dut. Prepare to be ICED!!!

Welcome To Project Money Shot

^^^Horse's Ass^^^

Yesterday ended up being a pretty shitty day at work which greatly cut into my appropriated bloggin’ time. That makes me sad and ripe for Stan’s criticism. Just kidding—he only berates awful internet journalists. It’s going to be a pretty simple post today that should have opinions a-flowin’. Strap on your capri pants, Dwyane Wade, because today we’re going to discuss clothes. More importantly, the best and worst uniforms in sports!

Now, I don’t want to go down the path of team logos because that is a post for another day. I just want to focus on the helmet/cap to the shorts/pants/jorts(?). Who looks the best and who looks the worst—it’s not hard. There isn’t a list today, but it will be easy to follow along. Time to hit the runway:

MLB Best: St. Louis Cardinals – I’m not really sure why but I think that they look sharp.
MLB Worst: Miami Marlins – Latin flare is for flamboyant assholes.

NFL Best: Oakland Raiders – It’s about time that they win something other than the supplemental draft rights to Terrelle Pryor! Normally, I would say that the Redskins have the best unis in football (because they do) but I’ll not be a homer. At least not today even though our yellow pants are drop dead gorgeous!
NFL Worst: Tennessee Titans – These are the worst uniforms in the history of everything. Pug fugly.

NBA Best: Boston Celtics – I don’t like them. You don’t like them. But, Goddammit, if those green jerseys and shorts aren’t the best then I don’t know what is.
NBA Worst: Oklahoma City Thunder – Teal is a shit color. Way to look like the Marlins of the hardwood. Those are awful…no wonder they’re going to get knocked out (or maybe have been already).

NHL Best: Chicago Blackhawks in the West and Toronto Maple Leafs in the East – The Hawks remind me of the Skins and that is nice while Toronto is just simple and looks good to me even if their grammar is shitty.
NHL Worst: Anaheim Ducks in the West and Washington Capitals in the East – The Ducks unis make zero sense and have the imagination and creativity of an AIDS patient (not sure what that means). I watched every game of the Caps/Rangers series and they deserved to lose for wearing those hideous red abortions.

College Best: Florida State – Maroon and gold with a spear and little tomahawk stickers…that is ELITE. Those are the best uniforms in all of sport/life.
College Worst: LSU – I’ve always hated them. The helmets look like they were designed on MS Paint by a 4 year old. You’re worse than Holgate, Les.

And of course, you can’t talk about ugly things without mentioning grubby Steelers fans. They wear their deformities, abnormalities, and visible stink lines as a badge of honor yet no one understands why.

Blackhawks, Redskins, and Noles? Hmmmmm I might be a pretty big racist (/does Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop for ten minutes). Someone pass the Firewater because I’ve got some littering to do! You have to admit that for a mail-in post, this isn’t a horrible topic. See you homos tomorrow. Your time as a free man is getting shorter and shorter, LS, just like your dinger.