Li’l Strut’s happy ass is getting married tomorrow (to a diehard Notre Dame fan LOL!) so when he asks for a post topic, he damn well gets it. After all, this is the same guy who happened to be the giver of the first card that I opened up the day after my wedding when both families were sitting around watching. The first words that I read on it were “BIG BLACK DILDO” among other ELITE phrases. Someone asked who it was from and what it said. I replied that it was from LS and that it was wildly inappropriate. I didn’t mean that though. I loved it. Well done. Since you and your family are going to be getting me shit-house drunk tomorrow night, I will oblige your request for “The Best and Worst of Being Married”.
Once the honeymoon is over, the honeymoon is literally over. It’s just you and your bride/domestic partner from now until one of you dies or you get one of those cool divorces that many seem to love these days. Oh boy, “forever” is a really long fucking time. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME/YOU ABOUT THAT! I was lied to! I am by no means an expert on marriage but I am learning how to navigate through its almost constantly depressing shittiness. There are good days and there are bad but one thing will never change…you’re in this for the long haul. So, as you requested, here is just a small sample list of the Best and Worst things about marriage (pay attention, LS, regular Strut, Iceman, Seal, and Jeff because your days of reckoning are coming).
BEST: You got yourself a teammate – This is underrated. It’s kind of nice to have someone who is always looking out for your best interests. You don’t want a teammate like Vince Carter though who only cares about making himself look good.
WORST: Who you think you married is not who you actually married – I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing. She$ and I never lived together until a week before the wedding. Actually, she spent quite a few years living with Dut and the Sauls. I was always told that she was a great roommate and always cleaning up and whatever. NOT TRUE. As I still remind her today, her roommate qualities are vastly OVERRATED. I am a way superior roommate. If you start a load of laundry then you are not allowed to fall asleep and assume that your spouse will fold that shit for you! THIS HAPPENS EVERY WEEK.
BEST: Congrats on your new vent – Get ready to hear daily and endless stories about what happened to her at work that day. I don’t have concrete numbers to back this up, but you will not care about 99% of these stories. These are almost always shared at the dinner table so thankfully you can stuff your face as she blabs. Eat as fast as you can because once you are done, you can leave and you definitely need to leave. However, if there is ever a time where you actually have something to get off your chest, having a wife around to listen to you bitch is pretty good. She will always say something condescending once you calm down, but it’s still better than yelling at nothing.
WORST: You will lose remote control battles – This has been discussed before. Right now, you do not know that Bravo and Lifetime and E! exist as networks. But you will. Oh yes, you will. The key is to find a few shows that you both like/tolerate. I fucking loathe Parenthood but I put up with it just because it allows me to tell her how awful it is every week. Did you know that The Voice is on 10 days per week for 6 hours at a time? I DO!!!
BEST: Somehow life gets cheaper – Being able to combine incomes is a huge thing especially when you are a tight ass like me. I wouldn’t consider myself cheap, per se, because I have no problem buying things. I just don’t like to. The last time that I bought clothing that wasn’t umpire-related or a t-shirt was 1984. Plus, owning property is WAY smarter than renting unless you live in New York which you do not.
WORST: You are NEVER alone – Every once in a while, you just mentally need some time to yourself. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to talk to you. That will not happen anymore. I’ve learned that the easiest way to be left alone is to turn on something that she has no interest in watching so she goes upstairs to drool over Adam Levine or whoever. Things that always work are professional wrestling, hockey, and Star Wars movies. She knows that I do this on purpose. I don’t care. If it ain’t broke…
BEST: You will become less disgusting – Have you ever went an entire weekend without showering? Ever worn the same underwear for a full week because you are too lazy to do the laundry? Fart whenever you want to or not turn the fan on in the shitter? Those days are over! And to be honest, that isn’t a bad thing.
WORST: You know how sometimes your family is annoying? You just gained another one! – We’ve been over this a ton already. They may be great in-laws, but they’re still going to demand your time and space at times that aren’t convenient. Take this for example: I’m supposed to move my parents’ old deep freezer out of their garage which I need my FIL’s truck to do. It is too big for us but we are in talks of giving it to the in-laws in exchange for their half-sized deep freezer. I am already trying to do the math to see if it will fit in one of our cars (it won’t). That means that now they have another excuse to come visit us. For delivery of a free freezer, I now have to waste a weekend. Tell me how that makes sense. Plus, I can’t go to Iceman’s bachelor party at The Bay because of a weekend at the miserable lake.
BEST: You just hired a cleaning lady and a cook – I am a pretty clean guy anyway and an excellent chef but it is always good to share duties with someone else.
WORST: Ummmm, feminine hygiene products in your bathroom – A sad reality.
BEST: You don’t have to date anymore – I can’t even imagine doing that. It has to be so awful. Where do you even meet decent non-whores anymore? Should I get a profile at Christian Mingle or that one site for Farmers? WHY NOT BOTH!
WORST: Small things will annoy the shit out of you – She$ trolls every night. She never pushes in her chair after dinner but always yells at the dog to get down from trying to eat crumbs off the table. She will get a glass or dish out of a cupboard and then not shut the cabinet door. She often falls asleep on the couch at like 8 pm and then gets pissed at me when I tell her to go to bed. She doesn’t hang up my office shirts right as they are always facing the wrong way. She does this on purpose because she gets great joy out of me overreacting (underreacting in my opinion). Your wives will do the same thing and you will die on the inside.
BONUS WORST: You’re going to have to come to grips – We all love football. It is the greatest. Watching it on TV or experiencing it live is quality time that no wife could ever replicate. However, your days of College Gameday AND tailgating AND watching at bars AND dicking with your fantasy lineup AND a full day of RedZone AND the DFL chat AND Sunday Night football are over. You have to pick. Most sane people will give you one day to watch football and the other to do shit around the house or (ugh) run errands with her. You must choose and choose wisely. For me, I’ll get all of my wife crap done on Saturday so that I don’t have to move on Sunday. I regret nothing.
There you go, LS and others, I hope that that helps or at least gave you a chortle. Unless you married a total cunt, marriage isn’t very hard. The worst part is getting used to wearing a stupid ring (as I’ve said many times). Good luck tomorrow and while I am bailing on the actual wedding, I will be fully prepared to make Biggest Strut regret paying for an open bar. I’ll see many of you there. Don’t forget to pay me, Dut. Prepare to be ICED!!!