Tuesday, October 21, 2014

College Football Week 8

"Yayyass!  Uh free toy at thuh bottum of muh Skoal tin!"

Oh boy.  CONTROVERSY!  CONSPIRACY!  SMOKING GUNS!  HOSE JOBS!  TIN HATS!  Today could break the record for most comments if the lone Notre Dame fan here pulls his weight today.  There is a lot to discuss so let's jump right in.

Ohio Buckeyes vs. Rutgers

The Ohio Buckeyes blew out another average Big 10 team Saturday but that didn't stop Drew from acting like they just won the National Championship.  His weekly streak of being the most annoying fuck on Twitter is intact.  Goals are important to have.  Somewhere along the line Drew got it in his head that I GUARANSHEED the Buckeyes were winning 8 games tops.  Rest assured that never happened.  /cue Drew frantically FACT checking previous posts and coming up empty.  Drew and the Ohio Buckeyes really were made for each other.

Alabama vs. Texas A&M

Hammer fuckin time.  ROLL DAMN KISS MY BUTT COWTURD!  Phyllis from Mulga will never stop being awesome.  If not for the Randy Orton RKOing the world, this bitch would have won the Internet.  This game was a combination of Texas A&M being not that good and Alabama being really pissed off about almost losing last week.  And Kenneth Hill SUX.  The SEC West has 4 teams in the top 5.  I'm sure Cakes will be thrilled about that.

Baylor vs. West Virginia

LOL Baylor.  Baylor does this every year, don't they?  Pile together some wins, get ranked in the top 5 and then just completely fuckin blow it against a rank turd of a football team.  Don't believe what WVU's record says.  I'm sure they'll finish the season 7-5.  The real winner of this game was the kid on the header of today's post.  I can't stop LOLing at those teeth.  The end of this game also officially marked the end of my sobriety for Saturday.

Now for the game that everyone wants to talk about today.  I have allowed Larry, per his request, to do a write up about FSU vs. Notre Dame.  Anything to make my job simple.  Get ready for a shit load of tears and excuse making.

#5 Notre Dame @ #2 FSU:
Not going to lie, this one hurt bad. I don't think I have experienced an outcome to a game that was this painful. The only one that is coming to mind is The Bartman game. I will get to the CONTROVERSIAL call later but first lets start with the game.

Going into the game my expectations were not high. I felt we could hang with them but I was not going to be surprised if it turned out to be a blowout. That all changed after NDs first TD drive. The Irish were dominating the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball and I liked how Kelly was calling the game. Kelly was aggressive and took some chances. I agreed with every fourth down attempt call he made and he could have been successful on all of them if the players executed them right. That is one of the main reasons the Irish lost, they left too many plays on the field which took points of the board and you cannot do that against the defending champs and expect to win. Winston looked rattled early and looked anything but a former Heisman winner. That all changed after halftime. He proved why he is one of the best QB even though he is a dumbass. Golson did match Winston's play and came one play short of out playing him. Should be an early Heisman favorite next year. 

Now lets get to the call. I am going to tell you my thoughts on it and leave it at that. I know all of you will not agree and you will say that I am being a stupid Irish Homer (*CORRECT). I couldn't care less because nothing can be said to change my mind. I have watched the replay from many different angles and watched them so many times I lost count. First, lets start with #20 Prosise. He was the WR on the line of scrimmage that was jammed at the LOS. Both him and the DB were locked up with each other so I don't see how you can call him for a PI because both players were doing the same thing to each other. Now the outside WR #7 Fuller is the borderline play. He ran a slant and did make contact with the DB. He did not break off his route to make contact with the DB, the only thing he did wrong was not look back at the QB to make it look like he was looking for the ball. HOWEVER, when refs are going to call a PI for the "pick" play they need to determine whether or not the DB would have had a play on the ball if it was not for the pick. That was not the case on this play, the DB would have had no chance even if there was no contact with the WR.

Also, I did go a little crazy on twitter but I have never experienced a high moment like that but ended up doing a 180 degree turn around. Add that with a few too many beers and that is what you get.

Now my thoughts.  First of all, Brian Kelly is a whiny cry baby fuck that no one should like.  He's a guy that the world can universally hate effortlessly.  Notre Dame fans would hate him too if they had souls.  Basically at the root of everything, Kelly is a murderer and Notre Dame fans are pro murder.  Second, if you read the ACC's explanation of why offensive PI was called and then watch the play happen, you can clearly see that the correct call was made and Notre Dame fans are just sore fucking losers.

But that won't stop Brian Kelly from clapping his twat lips about how Notre Dame was hosed.  And of course their bitchy fans will follow suit.  I was hammered in a bar when this happened so I had to go back sober and watch everything.  I really don't see what the uproar is about.  The right call was made regardless of people saying FSU had "blown" the coverage on the play.  Wide receivers can't block down field before the pass is thrown past the line of scrimmage and those receivers were blocking.  End of discussion.

That's how you do it folks.  You let a pissed off Notre Dame fan write a third of your post for you so you keep the actual work to a minimum.  Blogging 101.  That's my time for today.  I wish every week was this easy.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Worst of Week Seven Vol.VIII

Watch out for invisible Randy Orton, Tubs!
This is just great.  I want to believe that someone in the Texas Tech basketball office said , "OK, we've got Midnight Madness coming up and need to do something cool and generate a buzz for the program.  I've got it!  We'll put our old black guy coach on a motorcycle for some reason!  Nothing could go wrong here.  We'll piggyback off of (terrible) Sons of Anarchy (again, just an awful show).  Maybe that one fan who wanted to fight Marcus Smart will get pumped!"  And then he dumped the bike on the court. And Texas Tech is still forever a joke.  LOLOLOLOL!  By the way, college basketball season is around the corner...would Drew and Seal be up for contributing to the preview again (in a few weeks)???  Let's fire that fucking pigskin before Tubby kills himself trying to fly a plane!

Notre Dame Fans - Stop it, stud, save that for tomorrow.

Percy Harvin - When news of his trade to the Jets broke on Friday evening, I was shocked.  Why would Seattle do this?  It's not like they are loaded with proven playmakers on the outside.  But then you realize that Harvin has done so very little in two years there and sounds like a disaster to deal with.  So you dump his ass.  And you trade him to the biggest joke/circus of a franchise in the NFL.  Oh yeah, I'm sure that Rex and Marty will use Harvin well.  LOL!  This is just another reminder that, outside of the Tens, Urban Meyer recruited nothing but human filth at Florida.  No one wants anything to do with any of his old players.  FACT.

Or Not - Maybe Harvin wasn't the problem? Maybe it is the dreaded "disease of more" that shithead Pat Riley describes as the #1 killer of champions trying to repeat.  Because when you lose to the Rams, you pretty much suck.  Rusty Dubs was fantastic to bring them back but that defense just isn't that great for whatever reason.  And, of course, they are given a shot at the end when Tre Mason fumbles but Richard Sherman fucks up the recovery.  3-3.  NOT GOOD.

Luke Kuechly - He's white and from Ohio so everyone loves him but he threw a 'bow at a referee and got kicked out.  I don't blame him.  They were getting slaughtered.  By the way, the Packers are fantastic now that they figured shit out.  Just straight up killing suckas ever since the gay QB reminded us all to relax.

Steven Jackson - Just cut this guy already.  You've got two RBs that deserve more touches for a tenth of the price.  The Falcons are awful.  Joe Flacco?  Still ELITE.

Brian Hoyer - Fucking sucks.  Might want to pump the brakes on those contract extension demands, bruh, you penis-looking garbage QB.  Typical Browns.  Getting their hopes up that they may actually challenge for the North and then get destroyed by a winless London team.

FEED THE LACES - Denard fucking Robinson, the STARTING RUNNING BACK for the Jags, ran for 127 yards.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That's horrendous.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

The entire Bengals organization - Jesus Christ, AJ Green can't be THAT important.  You will be hard pressed to find a worse performance than what the Bengals did yesterday.

CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson - Both died on the field yesterday but that doesn't matter when you have The Kyle Orton Express running trains on The Torg!  BILLS!  Did you see what Sammy Watkins did yesterday, Ray Farmer???  It's going to be hilarious to see people scramble to pick up Bryce Brown (not even active yesterday) off the waiver wire this coming week.

Jay Catler at home - I don't get it.  The Bears are a terrible home team.  Truly the icing on the shit cake that was Larry's weekend as a football fan. Apparently, Brandon Marshall's crazy ass called out The Cat after the game.  Yeah, I'm sure that that will help.

Drew Brees - He was having the best game he has had all season until the last few minutes when he single-handedly lost that game for the Saints.  I would say that the season is over for NO but the South is SO BAD.  Are the Lions the worst 5-2 team ever?  I would rather be the worst 5-2 team than the best 2-5 so I guess it doesn't matter.  At least they didn't miss any field goals.  PROGRESS!

Kirk Cousins - Jesus was he bad in the first half.  So pathetic that it was a really easy call to go with Colt McCoy.  I like Kirk but he is a back-up.  Period.  I wanted to believe otherwise but it just isn't in the cards.  He will be in the league for a decade but the notion that he could be trade bait is foolish and I was the last person to know it.  BUT WE WON!  Colt McCoy for Heisman!  Skins are on Monday Night Football again next week (WHY!  WTF!) in Dallas and it sounds like RG3 is another week away so I would roll with Colt.  HE SICK.  2-5!

Poetic Justice - If you recall, I attacked Brian Orakpo pretty ELITE-like on Friday.  He left the game yesterday with a possible torn tit (again).  This is not my fault.

Kansas City's WRs - Are awful.  They tried all that they could to piss away that nice win.  I've had about enough of Dwayne Bowe.  Now that Lee Evans is out of the league, I would like to nominate Bowe as the new Lee Evans.  Just a rotten player that many people still think is good.  Not a good loss for my Bolts but maybe the Chiefs aren't that bad.  Chargers/Broncos on Thursday...I LIKE.

Tony Sparano - What is their left to bury?  It might be time to dig up Al Davis and then re-bury him.

Larry Donnell - I should have traded you when I had the chance and now I'm two weeks away from cutting you.  Two fumbles isn't going to sit well with your rat-faced asshole head coach, bro.  Bonus worst to Odell Beckham Jr for his stupid dances when his team is getting killed.  This is the kind of shithead that PFTCommenter hates (and rightfully so).  The fucking Cowboys are 6-1 with the Skins up next.  UGH.

FANTASY! - OK, so I easily vanquished Iceman again in the MSFL.  Barring a miracle night from Crabtree, I will beat -Rex in the LFL.  I will likely defeat -Rex again in the G$FL.  AND I will probably roll in my OTHER LEAGUE.  Holy shit!  I whine about my luck and here comes a 4-0 week!  ELITE!  ME HEART FANTASY FOOTBALL AGAIN!

That will do it for me today.  I'm looking forward to watching JJ Watt destroy no less than 40 Steelers tonight.  He's going to bury whoever the RT is.  You may want to check in with this site tomorrow as the day will be highlighted by Notre Dame fans trying to tell us how rules do not apply to them and others will try to convince us that they are playoff material because they keep pounding garbage.  Get ready, sane people, because you will have a real hoot.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Open Forum: Scapegoats

The best part about rooting for a fucking loser franchise/team is that you get to be mad all the time and blame others for why you are always so angry.  Being a sports fan isn't about having fun.  It is about suffering through all of the goddamn times that the laundry that you cheer for rips out your black heart and then fucks it good and proper while you sit their in stunned silence.  Fuming.  No one better say one fucking word to you for the next hour or you will rip their head off.  That is how it usually goes.  It's great to win things but the scars are what you remember forever.

The older that I get (I graduated with Grumpy probably) the more mellow and accepting of sports outcomes I have become.  It isn't about maturity either.  It's that I have embraced my inner-Iceman.  I KNOW that my team will fail so I temper my expectations.  It is a reverse Cakes outlook on life (Allah bless him...I don't know how he does it).  If you accept that they're going to blow it somehow and probably in embarrassing fashion, it doesn't necessarily lessen the blow, but at least you won't be surprised.  At this stage of my life, I just SMH and roll my eyes.

Where am I going with this?  Who knows!  It's a bit of a rough transition but being a loser isn't always smooth sailing so I'll allow it.  I'm a big fan of picking one or two shitheads off of my squadrons and blaming them for everything.  Back in the day, it wasn't LeBron that kept failing for the Cavs it was goddamn Drew Gooden and his stupid hair!  I will never stop hating Drew Gooden.  Prime is a way better basketball player imo.  So I figured that today we could all go around the commenting room and share our scapegoats.  And if you are having a hard time with this, just remember that Ohio Buckeye fans are still blaming Joe Bauserman for everything.

Brian Orakpo. People seem to think that this guy is an ELITE pass rusher.  I don't know why.  He SUCKS.  If it is possible to get negative pressure on the QB, then he does it.  The Skins franchise tagged him this year because they wanted him to prove himself coming off of injury.  He has .5 sacks through 6 games.  One half of one sack.  This guy has always been more steak than sizzle.  Last year some time, I listed the most OVERRATED players in a bunch of different sports.  Orakpo was left off the list because he tore his titty.  Well, let me tell you, this bro is ridiculously OVERRATED.  If you want to know why the Redskins are 1-5 and will probably lose to Tennessee this week, it isn't because the offense sucks.  It is because they get no blindside pressure on the QB ever.  Let this fucking guy walk after this most recent shitbag worthless season ends.  He isn't worth it any more.

I don't know who I will blame on the Cavs but I'll just assume that Mike Miller will be a contender for that crown.  I will forever loathe Mark Teixeira.  And, on the ice, I don't know, I like all of the Jackets.  I suppose I could point a finger at Nathan Horton's shit back.  Tim Erixon kind of looks like a douche but he's playing well so I will allow it.

Let's play the blame game today.  But we can't exit Stage ELITE without a trip to the Glory Hole!

This week's MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-4!) was tough because the initial game that I liked I ended up scrapping out of fear.  I initially was going to go with BG -1 vs. WMU but I'm backing off from that one.  Instead, I'm going with Army -2.5 @ Kent State.  Kent is 0-7, averaging 17 points per game, and can't stop the run.  Army can only run the ball.  Kent State is awful.  I also like Akron -3.5 @ Ohio KneelandBobcats.  Frank Solich is just doing a terrible job there now and I love every second of it.

That will do it for us this week.  G$ is taking his spawn to her first college hockey game tonight as the RedHawks come to town to do their annual pillage and plunder of Ohio Buckeyes.  It will be a nice appetizer for her first flag carrying in a few weeks.  BEAT CALGARY AND OTTAWA AND OHIO BUCKEYES AND NORTHERN ILLINOIS AND TENNESSEE TITANS!  That covers about everything.  Any team that loses will be Orakpo and his caveman buddy's fault anyway.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Just Feel Like We Need A Wrestling Post

Bad Lip Reading: "Did something fly in my crotch?"

I haven't been able to stop watching Randy Orton RKOing the fuck out of everybody on the internet and I don't want to. I was going to do a little breakdown of the best #RKOing vids that have been released...but then I found out SBNation and Uproxx had already done it, and I was left without a plan. But alas, great members of the commentariate, I bring you the best of both worlds. Some of my favorite members of this glorious meme and a list of WWF suggestions who should be up next.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: I can't think of a meme that the Texas Rattlesnake shouldn't be involved in, but this one is an obvs no brainer. You have the glass shattering, the stunner, the middle fingers, and then the beer chug. I can see Jay Cutty getting stunned right now.

The Undertaker: Imagine a running back diving for the pylon, being upended and about to land on his head...and then out of nowhere The Deadman comes in and Tombstones him. I need that in my life.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: They already created a video featuring the "Clothesline from Hell"(whoever the fuck that guy is). Just look at this wrestling tactitian and tell me he doesn't deserve all this glory. USA USA USA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ted Dibiase: I'm sure there is a video out there of Iceman slowly crumpling to the ground under the weight of his 18th rumplemintz shot. The Million Dollar Dream should totes be making an appearance in that video.

The Rock: You can't have a list like this and leave out The People's Champ, no matter how terrible Pain and Gain(one of the few movies I couldn't make it through) was. The Rock Bottom and The People's Elbow would work perfectly in these.

Ric Flair: I seriously LOL'd at the thought of Flair going crazy with WOOOOOOO Chops and then doing his strut.

Also, this was done back in 2009. Talk about being ahead of your time.

Hulk Hogan: The Hulk should be coming through at the end of every single one of these videos and finishing it with the leg drop.

hahahahahahahaha that's just fantastic.

Shawn Michaels: Sweet Chin Music was made for this shit. Ask Yasiel Puig.

BRILLIANT! This will never get old. Please leave your suggestions in the comments. And if you have some of your own internet gold to drop on us then please do that as well. The internet is a magnificent beast.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Thing That I Love Has Become Lame

We've been cranking out posts here for awhile now and one thing that has always been certain is my unequivocal love for the fantasy football lifestyle.  I have written about it way too much.  Until the last few years, it has always been nothing but bluster.  Yet I hit a groove and became the only person you know that has won a title in every league that he competes in (minimum of four leagues, bruh).  Throughout the month of August, we even have a weekly Fantasy Football Friday feature to get everyone's mind sharp heading into draft season.

I've also been very open and honest about this season being the season from Hell for ol' G$.  Nothing is going right.  The great thing about fantasy sports is that it can ease the pain of a God awful real team like the Washington Navajo Nation.  I can't even get THAT right this year.  This has been a TERRIBLE season.  Maybe it's the constant losses and poor management decisions but I have come to a conclusion...

Fantasy Football has jumped the shark.  I might even be able to convince myself that it is OVERRATED.  I'm not there yet, mind you, but I'm getting there.  Allow me to explain why.

*Everyone plays it now.  Even women!  The nerve of them!  Nothing is cool when everyone does it.
*People don't seem to get that no one cares about your team or bad beats or whatever if they aren't in your league.  We can talk about things here because there is a league founded from the dark hellscape of the comment section.  But as soon as you mention your OTHER LEAGUE, I'm fucking out.  Everyone seems to understand that no one wants to hear about your teams, but they keep talking anyway.
*The woman that sits next to me at work is in a league for the first time with her husband and friends.  It's kind of adorbs to see someone take a free league so seriously.  What isn't cool is that she wants roster advice and waiver suggestions EVERY DAY.  Plus, I'm kind of jealous of her roster.
*I'm learning this the hard way but one major injury or suspension and the shit is over.  It doesn't matter how many minor trades that you pull off (and boy have I tried).  If your stud fucks you, then you are FUCKED.  It is impossible to get unfucked.
*That said, Fantasy Football is way more luck than skill.  I hate to admit this because I like consider myself an expert but it's true.  If you can avoid the IR then that is the most important trait for your roster.  I won the MSFL because of Peyton last year.  I did almost nothing but slot him in at QB for 15 weeks.  It was the easiest thing that I've ever done.  When you win something, you like to feel that you've earned it.  I did not earn that title.  I happily accept it though as well as the homemade Second Mile t-shirt that came with it.
*Speaking of experts, everyone fucking considers themselves to be one now.  This is maddening to me.  Hell, 97.1 has a FF expert (Tito!) and he has his own radio show and rankings.  Why?  Why are their rankings at all?  This is a waste of time and--news flush--these losers can't predict the future so why are you buying into their rankings at all?  You shouldn't need Akbar the NFL Network Terrorist to yell at you that you should play all players going against the Jags.
*I will say that The League is getting better.  Others may disagree and a lot of the characters are d-bags, but I still find it to be a solid situational comedy (or "sitcom")
*I also like Fantasy Football Now on ESPN2.  They don't fuck around.  You get injury updates and possible waiver guys.  That's all I need.  Now stop showing me matchups from the ESPN NFL League.  I do not care if Ed Werder stuck it to Mort last week.
*Holy shit is this market over-saturated.  I was walking the dog and baby on Sunday evening and all I wanted was to listen to NFL updates.  Instead I got some weird fantasy football show on ESPN Radio in which Randy "Quee Quee" Scott (trashiest looking SportsCenter anchor ever) was wondering if he could trade Larry Fitzgerald next week since he finally scored.  This went more than one segment.  Tell me about the games being played.  Again, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.  Quee Quee also admitted to being a Raiders fan but picked the Chargers in his survivor pool so he was rooting against his team.  These were topics going on instead of discussing anything about the very good Cowboys/Seahawks game.

It's just too much.  Like I said, having a bad season isn't helping but I feel like networks are focusing more on fantasy stats than the actual games being played.  And that is stupid.  I'm never going to quit playing but I am going to starting distancing myself from FF for the rest of the season.  Looking at my rosters, this should not be hard.  Maybe I can focus more on point spreads instead.  I don't know, we'll think of something.  Is this loser talk?  OH YEAH!  Do I give a fuck?  Absolutely not.  But I've always said that I would rather the Redskins be consistently good then for me to win anything in fantasy.  I stand by that.  My team will forever fail me though.

Either way, I am not ashamed to announce that fantasy baseball is the far superior game.  It actually takes skill and no fucking idiots are ever going to win a title in that.  So slow your roll, Fantasy Football, I will be back but I would prefer it if you were a lot less annoying.  ACleanPairOfShorts is still going to win the G$FL because we have a great name and logo.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

College Football Week 7

I wonder if Verizon has barf protection included in the factory warranty.

That picture...is of a Florida fan who had a very bad night.  This moment was captured at half time, by the way.  He's probably still trying to piece the night together three days later.  I was one of about 30 people cementing this moment in time.  In non football related news, Wheelz and I watched Gone Girl. It's a pretty decent flick and worth the watch...especially if you would like to know what Ben Affleck and Neil Patrick Harris' dongs look like.  Ide probably already has them as his screen saver on his laptop.  If he even has a laptop.  He's probably too trendy and hip for something so mainstream.  Let's football.

Michigan vs. Penn State

Nice to see Michigan end its spiral out of control into the fiery depths of hell led by Brady "The Fudge King" Hoke.  So that's what a Big 10 win looks like!  Seriously...what a fucking ugly ass game.  There isn't really anything worth mentioning in this game other than Michigan won.  Moving on.

Todd Gurley

I'll say again...there is nothing better than the block head athlete.  There's no doubt in my mind Gurley took money for his Herbie Hancock.  Now we can argue whether or not AFFLETES should be compensated for their autographs or likeness until our dicks are purple.  But it doesn't change the fact that it currently happens to be an NCAA violation and Gurley knows that.  At least he should or he's more dense than I thought.  Sounds like Toddwick is most likely done for the year if you listen to what Fox Sports is reporting.  Whatever.  He'll probably leave for the NFL and still be the first running back off the board so NBD.  Right?  Hope it was worth it, shit brick.

Georgia vs. Missouri

Matty Mauk sucks more than his stupid kid name.  Matty.  Are you fucking five?  He looks like a trashier version of Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Good news for Georgia is they didn't seem to miss Todd Gurley.  Chubb started slow but ended up having a pretty decent afternoon.  His YPC wasn't anything to get nude and flop your dick to but he kept the defense honest enough to open things up for Hutson Mason.  Who knows how good Missouri is (I don't think they're that good) but beating the piss out of a ranked SEC divisional opponent without your best player has to feel really good.  Georgia should cruise until Auburn.

University of Florida

Okay.  Something smells like rotten sexually assaulted pussy here.  All of a sudden Treon Harris goes from sexual attacker to sympathetic victim??  This is a really bizarre situation and this accuser chick is either a complete fucking mental case or Florida is doing their best attempt at a Jameis Winston-esq cover up.  Honestly it could be a combination of both.  Anything to keep Jeff Driskel and Skyler Mornhinweg off the field, right?  And if Harris was cleared of all wrong doing...why didn't he suit up against LSU?  I don't know.  It just seems odd.  Speaking of sexual assault cover ups...

Jameis Winston

Speaking of Captain Rape-Escape...this cat is the best in the worst possible way.  This rape case just will not go away for Winston.  And it probably shouldn't.  I stand by my original statement that he probably raped that girl and got away with it so I'm glad this isn't getting buried.  The fact that Winston seems literally unfazed by ANY of this is just astounding.  He either has no idea how serious this is or thinks he is completely untouchable.  One thing I would put money on is that all the white Heisman trophy winners from the 70's and earlier have dropped more N bombs this week than they have in their entire lives.  That entire fraternity has to just fucking loathe the fact that Winston is a part of their group.  Who would have thought that Winston could be more hated than O.J.?

**UPDATE**  Now Florida State is investigating Winston taking money for signing autographs.  This guy is absolutely incredible.  And let's not ignore Jimbo Fisher vehemently defending Winston at every single turn.  He's making himself look like a real fucking shit heel and is defending the type of guy that can ruin reputations.  I know that's Fisher's quarterback and all but he is really taking a leap of faith with a guy who is constantly fucking up.

Auburn vs. Mississippi State

Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers.  Eight of those bitches.  For awhile it looked like no one wanted to win this game.  This probably means Dak Prescott will be leading the Heisman board next week, right?  The black Tim Tenor.  Take home that trophy to a bunch of racist fans that would hate you if you weren't awesome at football.  I don't have a problem with Mississippi State leaping FSU for the number one spot but they wouldn't be my pick for #1.

TCU vs. Baylor

Hey there points!  Hope you gamblers took the over on this one.  There aren't many teams in the country that can successfully give up a 24 point lead in the 4th quarter.  TCU can proudly add themselves to that very very short list.  I don't have a huge problem with TCU going for it on 4th with a little more than a minute left in the game.  I get it...the TCU defense was a leaky ass with hangover runs.  But that play call was fuckin duuuuuuumb.  Somewhere Casey Pachall was shaking his head in disgust in between blowing strangers for heroin money.

Oregon vs. UCLA

That should take care of that whole UCLA being ranked thing.  Remember how idiots thought UCLA was a sleeper playoff team?  Stupid idiots.  Here was the best part about this rectal hollowing:

"Hush little baby don't say a word.  Mora's gonna buy you a Bruin turd."

Notre Dame vs. North Carolina

Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Ole Miss vs. Texas A&M

I think Ole Miss is the best team in college football.  Good call, Damman.  Lou Holtsshhhh seems to think Mississippi State gets that honor.  He also probably drinks ginger ale on purpose so what the fuck does he know?  Bo Wallace is putting together quite the resume to completely fool NFL scouts with.  He'll be four picking his way into getting his NFL coach fired in no time.  Meanwhile...the shine is starting to come off Kenny Hill and it appears he may be *gasp* OVERRATED.

Arizona vs. USC

Let that be a lesson to everyone.  Never put a RichRod coached team in the top 10.  They're just keeping a spot warm for someone else.  The only way Arizona goes undefeated is if they play Oregon every week.  FACT.  And nice fake fall on the blown kick at the end by Skowron.  Fucking loser bitch kicker.  Not even Mike Carey is buying that pathetic attempt at a bullshit flag.

A little better effort today since my college football Saturday wasn't taken from me.  The Ohio Buckeyes were on a bye this week but I'm sure that won't prevent them from being jiz soaked butt pipers in the comments.  It's what they do best.  That's it today.  Fuck off.

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Worst of Week Six Vol.VIII

My in-laws stayed with us this weekend.  Now, normally, this would lead to an ELITE post where I complain a lot and point out many examples of being rightfully annoyed.  But parenting changes things.  Having more options to hold the kid and take care of her is huge.  Don't get me wrong, I still don't much care for people staying at the Money Mansion, but now it at least serves a purpose and can be incredibly helpful.  That's the thing that you understand quickly when a baby enters your life.  When someone volunteers to hold him or her, you give let them.  I don't care if it is a serial killer.  If Dexter wants to hold my daughter, then he better be ready to go for at least 30 minutes.  No questions asked.  Dad probably has to go rip a monster dump anyway.  Still though, get out of my house.

Speaking of being a dad, I am starting to zero in on baby's first Flag Carrying experience (2-0, bro!).  Feels like Halloween night when the Leafs are in town.  They barely qualify as a pro hockey team.  I figure if we buy up a few tickets in that section way up top with room to move around if she gets fussy (can't wait for her reaction to the cannon blast) then that should suffice.  CTF 4 LIFE.  On to the football!

Everyone that isn't JJ Watt - This guy is an animal.  IMO he is the best player in the NFL and no one else even comes close.  He is a DE that has already scored three touchdowns!  If Clowney ever plays, that pass rush will be insane.


Every inbred member of Steelers Nation - Let's just get this one out of the way now...the Pittsburgh Steelers are the worst team in the AFC North and it isn't even close.  It's over.  Troy needs to go.  Haley needs to go.  LeBeau needs to go.  Tomlin should have never been.  This franchise needs to tear it down and start over.  Disagree?  In the last 6 quarters against the Browns, you are a robust "not remotely competitive".  It was a solid run but ya done.

Browns fans - I was going to say "act like you've been there before" but you really haven't so enjoy your overdue triumph over that wretched hive of scum and villainy.  I'll tell you what: with Jax, Buff, and Oak looming, it isn't insane to talk wild card.  I WILL ALLOW IT.

"Offensive Weapon" - Did you know that Shoelace Robinson is getting PT at halfback for the Jags?  That would explain the zero wins.  RedZone went to JAX/TEN for maybe four plays.  Thanks, Hanson!

Flacco Haters - Joe Flacco is ELITE.  FACT.  DEAL WITH IT. 

Hilarious backdoor cover - Thanks a bunch, horrible decision-making of Geno Smith!!!  And in case you were wondering if he is still alive, Wes Welker is but he is irrelevant.

Teddy Bridgewater and Norv Turner - SMH...you two have quite possibly the best athlete in the game on your side and you don't even try to get the ball to him.  Cordarelle Patterson is incredible.  The QB and OC are dumb, bad, and have a crater face though.

Matt Prater - This is history, folks. The Lions are on pace to miss 2000 field goals this season.

Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller - Poor Bills just will never be able to stick it to the Patriots.  And if they do, it won't be because The Kyle Orton Express is throwing it 38 times.  They needed more on the ground.  They barely got anything.  And thus they get slaughtered again.  Bills be Bills-ing.  The Dolphins also lost in hilarious fashion to the Packers.  So what we learned today is that the Patriots don't even have to break a sweat to win the garbage AFC East.  The Steelers, remember that they are clearly the basement of the north, could be better than all of those teams combined.

Mike Carey - The most worthless yet smug for some reason man in the business.  He's never right.  Is incredulous when proven wrong.  And he has the weirdest Brontosaurus head ever.  Iceman hates this guy.  For once, Iceman is right.

Mike Nugent - The Ohio alum fucked his sister good and deep because he sucks.  You know, you would think that a 37-37 game was good and/or fun but this one was neither.  It was poorly played and boring with a glaring spotlight of incompetence on all parties.  I'm sure that there were a ton of Donovan McNabb jokes on Twitter (remember how he never knew that a game could end in a tie...oh I'm sure that the Klan still chortle about that).

Derek Carr - Broheem!  You're in Sea Bass field goal range!  No need to chuck it deep and Raiders-ing.  NO HEISMAN FOR YOU!  Scary game for the Chargers as apparently the Raiders responded well to their transition-lensed interim coach burying a football in the ground for some reason but they survive.  Branden Oliver looks great IMO.

Mike Smith and Thomas Dimitroff - Just fire these two losers already.  Smith can't coach and Dimitroff would rather be still buying into Lance Armstrong's shit.  The Falcons have nobody in the trenches worth a shit.

Kirk Cousins - I've seen enough.  Thanks for that pick six at the end when I have  you at +5.5.  Lot of fun there. When does RG3 come back?  Two more games?  Shit.  OK, I can wait.  I'm really proud that Seal, Damman, myself, and others were in the house to see KC8's only victory in the NFL.  I will cherish that memory.  I will say this about my putrid Skins who can't get enough of beating themselves with stupidity and turnovers: DeSean Jackson is incredible. And I'm saying this by my own freewill.  He and his cronies do not have this blog at gunpoint.

Russell Wilson and the 12th Man - These arrogant charmslingers deserved to be knocked down a few dozen pegs.  Fuck these guys.  I'm not buying American Family Insurance, Rusty.  You don't even HAVE a family.  You are an interracial #IDELIE IMO!

Percy Harvin - The Seahawks don't know what to do with him still.  He is a wide receiver.  He is not Kordell Stewart or a RB or whatever.  Throw him the ball in space.  6 touches for -1 yards.  Nice game, asshole.

Real Talk Time - I don't like saying this but, through 6 weeks, the Dallas Cowboys are the best team in the NFC and San Diego is still the best team overall.  RIGHT NOW, this would be my pick for the Super Bowl.  OBVZ Romo still has another choke in him come January but the way that these two teams play translates to all conditions and scenarios.  You win in the trenches.  That will never change.

FANTASY! - I think that my G$FL team is really good (2nd in points) and we moved to 3-3 after easily defeating Facebook-selfie King, GSaul.  The other three teams racked up three more losses.  Again--MULLIGAN!

Today marks the return of our Monday afternoon Walking Dead chats!  I GUARANSHEED that last night's season premiere was terrible unless someone nuked the Grimes family.  As always, wait until around noon to unload your complaints about how bad this show has become.  And, remember, the Steelers are the worst!