Friday, October 31, 2014

Does ESPN Actually Have An SEC Bias?

The face you make when you find out that Tim Beckman is in primetime
Before we answer the question posted in today's title, I would like quickly doth my blogging cap to the college playoff selection committee for a job well done through one week.  I have no gripe at all with the initial rankings and it will all play out anyway but I enjoy seeing that WHEN you lose doesn't matter all that much and horrible losses are fucking killer (Hi Ohio!).  But you need more than one week of success to be ELITE.  Hell, you need more than one year.  Brady Hoke had one good year.  That's easy.  Keep getting this shit right and we'll all be on board forever.

So...back to the topic at hand.  Last week, feline friend Bo Pelini took ESPN to task claiming that they have a blatant SEC bias due to owning their conference network and are seeing to it that the SEC continues to be at the forefront of college football discussion.  Chris Fowler fired back over the weekend stating that ESPN would like nothing more than to have ELITE levels of college football played nationwide but it isn't right now.  Gameday goes where the best games are.  Period.  And every once in awhile they will do a novelty appearance in North Dakota or at a service academy.  Basically, if you aren't good then they aren't coming.  Well, who is right here?  They both are.

Bo is right that ESPN sort of has to protect its investment.  The problem with his argument is that ESPN is a business and them focusing on lesser match-ups and teams isn't helping them at all.  Plus, the SEC is an ELITE investment.  If you want more and better coverage from Gameday then BE BETTER.  I assume that Gameday will be up in East Lansing next Saturday but that is pretty much the only time that they should drive their trucks up to the Midwest.  You guys suck.  Period.  This isn't ESPN's problem, this is the conference's problem.  The Big Ten, outside of a few noon games that no one watches, gives the worldwide leader zero reason to promote their garbage match-ups.  You can't have it both ways.  You already get a ton of money somehow from your own network that no one ever turns on.  Don't take all of that money and then whine about how you feel cheated with supplementary coverage.

On ESPN's side, like it or not, the SEC is where the big boys play.  These are the best teams with the best players and best coaches.  They should be covered A LOT.  Just look at how incredible the SEC West is alone.  How can Bo Pelini even argue against that at all.  And I 100% agree with Fowler: I think that they would love to make annual trips to Palo Alto and LA and South Bend and Ann Arbor and Austin but none of those schools deserve it because they either suck hog or don't schedule anyone.  Why is a college football coach concerned with how a gigantic global media force does their business anyway? 

It still comes down to what it always comes down to...The SEC is better than you.  The only way that that is going to change is--well, it isn't going to change because no conference will ever overtake them in relevancy.  So the best bet here is to DEAL WITH IT and worry about what you can control AKA yourself.  By the way, Gameday is in Morgantown for TCU/WVU tomorrow.  I never thought that THAT game would host Corso and the boys.

Let's take a trip to Dut's den to round out the week for another winner.  The MAC Glory Hole of the Week is back above .500 (6-5) and looking to close out strong.  This weekend offers up a weak slate of games as we are about to be rewarded with the annual weeknight MACtion starting this week!  WEEEEEEEEE!  Only two games tomorrow but I think that I've got a lock.  Western Michigan -6.5 @ Miami.  The RedHawks can't stop the run AT ALL and we just lost our starting MLB last week with some sort of arm/shoulder injury.  WeeMoo is on a roll right now and young teams with a ton of confidence are good to bet on.  The Broncos have a big time power run game that should control the clock and TOP and I expect them to win by 10 or so.  Don't believe me.  I already bet on them.

Before we bounce for the weekend, just a quick reminder that ROBERT GRIFFIN THE THIRD is back on Sunday!  I don't like to see Colt McCoy grabbing a clipboard as much as the next guy, but if we are going to win out then this move has to be made.  Enjoy that primetime Illinois game tomorrow night, Bo Pelini...nice fucking conference.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Ask Me Anything: Commenter Dut

It only gets better from here...

So it was about 7:30 last night and I still had no idea what I was going to post about. College Football Playoffs? The Spurs Dynasty? Another story about my terrible existence? Nah. I should also note that by this time I had 4 PBR's (HIPSTERS STAND UP) and a couple beers at Woodlands Tavern with Commentor Dut. And then it hit me that interviewing commentors is an avenue that this great blog has never traversed. And I also got a new shipment of smokes that convinced Dut to come back to my house...sexual favors may or may not have commenced. *But this interview absolutely did commence*. So enjoy.

Who is your favorite commentor?

Drew. He actually forms the most logical arguments. And he likes most of the teams that I do....but mostly because he puts Iceman in his place daily because that guys a fucking dolt.

Why do you hate Iceman?

I wouldn't say that I hate Iceman. Actually I dont hate Iceman at all, he's very passionate about his own teams. He just cant ever be wrong in an argument. He just comes up with the most ridiculous bullshit in an argument to somehow convince himself that he is right to save whatever ego left he has after being a scrub in D4 basketball. And he's a Michigan fan.

Anything else?

And I get a raging boner when Drew puts Iceman in his place.

When did you start following the blog?

I was in college...my second senior year! I really started following it when G$ started ripping on Jon Kitna and G$ just started ripping on Moden because he sucked Kitna's dick so hard that his balls came out. That was probably the Fall of 2007. I don't think G$ had any idea who Moden was but he just destroyed him and it was fantastic. The line that got me was when he called Kitna a "Bible thumping...something...I don't remember exactly. We actually wrote some of G$'s quotes on our wall in college to make fun of Moden. That was back when G$ was a good writer."

What do you think about the Fuckeye coverage at the blog?

The Fuckeye coverage is awful by the beatwriters, however the Fuckeye clowns in the comments usually bring it. But my favorite part is Iceman trying to put words in our mouths and then Drew factchecking the fuck out of him is always great. Because Iceman is obviously a bigger Fuckeye hater than an actual Michigan fan. It's like he was made to fellate Buyckeyes as a child while sucking poll. But otherwise the coverage is great. A lot of attention is paid the Fuckeyes by a punch of supposed non-fans so I don't really get it.

If you could pick Michigan's next coach, who would it be?

It's actually gotten to the point where I'm hoping that they actually get an ELITE coach because I feel bad for them. Well, I don't know if I really feel bad for them...no, I don't feel bad for them, but it's just sad what that program has become and how terrible their fans are because of it. Obviously HarBRAH or Mullen would be a homerun, but even giving Bobby Petrino unlimited access to sexy grad assistants would be a boost to the Michigan program.

What coach would give you the most LULZ?

Jim Tressel...LOL that shit's not happening. (And then we just had a real conversation about the logistics of Tressel coming to Michigan. Conclusion:  IT'S HAPPENING!)

And then Dut interrupted and said he wanted to talk about his least favorite commentor....Slow Seal?

So what do you have to say about Seal?

Ahhh...I don't even know where to start with that fucker. I mean, I think he actually adds to why I  like Drew the most, because he puts Seal in his place everyday too. Is Seal even a college football fan? (I answered I have no idea) He's just a giant fucking hater. And he's a stupid fucking hater at that. The only come backs he ever has are "You're the worst" and it's not even fun at that point. And he continues to talk shit about the Tigers even though the #windians haven't beat the Tigers since I started reading this blog and haven't won a World Series since 1948. What a fucking loser.  And fake Dut said he's a BITCH. (I don't know what that means as Dut felt the need to add that last part)

Anything else?

And his excuse for the Indians is always something about payroll even though he's a huge Kentucky fanboy who has an unlimited payroll for blacks...even though he's obviously a racist.

If you had to make a bridal party out of commentors, who would you pick?

None of you faggots because I'm never getting married. But Iceman would be the Maid of Honor because he's a bitch. And by never getting married I mean I'm waiting 18 years until G$'s daughter is legally on the table for marriage.


How many STD's did you get at BGSU?

None...but I had several scares with the Fraternities.

What is Rog's biggest disappointment in you?

That I didn't play high school...because when I was born I had a football put in my hands. But I blame my parents for not giving me the genetic traits to dominate beyond my 7th grade year when I set the State of Ohio record for most forced fumbles ever. I think I had 5...maybe 6 hundred....and we still lost every game but 1.

If you could get a dog what breed would it be?

I honestly don't have a preference. I wouldn't want a small dog, but I wouldn't want a huge dog. If I had to pick three breeds it would be Lab...and anything other than a Pitbull because as I'm doing this I'm watching your dogs facehump each other. But at least they don't have heartworms, because fuck crooked vets.  And fuck Larry.

What commentor would you want to be interviewed next?

Ide. Because I want to be a hipster so bad. And because I want the blog to go from being blocked at work for porn to being blocked for gay snuff porn....gay interracial snuff porn. And so he can tell us more about raw jeans because I'm still confused.

How many people have touched your butthole?

1. Myself. (LOLOLOL)

Dut's last words unedited:  I have nothing to add.  Get me the fuck out of here.

HOT FUCKING TAKES galore today. I told Dut he needed to make himself more available today to answer any questions that were asked. I'm sure that won't happen because of his multiple coffee runs, but whatever. Ide, you're up next for this series and I'm looking forward to being a part of that #ELITE interview about your future acting jobs, VIP appearances with celebrities, and/or new hipster attractions that are totes gay because you went there a week ago. God bless.



*I did take some editorial liberties in this interview, but Dut reviewed and approved everything.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Money Shot's 2014-15 NBA Preview!

Would you look at the size of that DIFF!!!  But seriously, that thing is ELITE.
Oh yeah!  We got you good!  Nothing stirs up a commenting boner quite like NBA talk!  And you're going to pants-shreddingly hard after today's post.  Iceman and I collaborated on another TRANSCENDENT prediction essay that should launch our blogging careers into the stratosphere.  You may be asking "Why not Ace"?  Why would you even ask that?  He only follows the Spurs.  He has no other takes!  Alright, this is going to be long enough as it is so let's start even though the champs started last night.

Most OVERRATED Team - (Iceman) Los Angeles Clippers. This one was easy. All I had to do was pick the team with the most OVERRATED coach. Every year the media deep throats Doc Rivers' crotch stick and every year he under-performs. The Clippers have finished 1st or 2nd in the Division every year Rivers has been there but they have yet to make the Western Conference Finals. Sure the West is brutal but the Clippers are fucking stacked with talent so GIVE IT A REST with the excuses already.
(G$) Houston Rockets.  James Harden says that he is the best player in the league.  LOL.  They play no defense and have the most selfish "superstars" on the planet.  I would not be all that shocked if they missed the playoffs.  And I hate their GM who always thinks that he is smarter than everyone.  Fuck Daryl Morey.

Most underrated Team - (Iceman) Miami Heat. Look. Losing LeBron was OBVZ huge. He's the reason they won 2 titles in Miami. But everyone is acting like this team is all of a sudden going to be the Milwaukee Bucks now that LeBron is getting Bosley hair treatments in Cleveland. Why? Miami will still win the division and won't be any worse than a 3 seed come playoff time. Realistically who else is going to win that division besides Miami? They won't be title favorites anymore but they will certainly still be in the discussion.
(G$) Charlotte Hornets.  YES!  Dust off those Larry Johnson Era Hornets Starter jackets!  This is a gritty ass team that is loaded with young talent to go along with insane Lance Stephenson.  I like them.  If the East hierarchy is Cleveland, Chicago, Washington (in some sort of order) and the rest, then I would not be surprised if the Hornets are the 4 or 5 seed.

Most OVERRATED offseason move - (Iceman) Jason Kidd to the Bucks. I get fucking migraines trying to figure out why this guy is such a hot commodity in the NBA coaching ranks. All he's done is help construct one of the oldest and most OVERRATED teams in NBA history. Yet organizations are willing to sell their souls to get him. Kidd is one of those guys that tries to get too cute and will eventually outsmart himself every time. He's already trying to convert Giannis Antetokounmpo to PG. A position he's never played before. The Bucks will still be hog shit and Kidd will be making head scratching coaching decisions on another team in 3 years.
(G$) Paul Pierce signing with the Wizards.  Dude sucks and can barely move.  He doesn't do anything well anymore. I get why they did it but they are going to be seriously disappointed that his old man savvy doesn't mean shit.

Most underrated offseason move - (Iceman) Chandler Parsons to the Mavericks. This made absolutely no sense to me. How in the fuck so you allow one of your best players walk to a division rival? Parsons is one of the most underrated players in the league, he's young and he's a tremendous scorer. His best basketball is in front of him and now he's playing for a rival and is pissed. Good work, Houston. A lot was made about what the Cavs did with Lebron and Love (and for good reason) but I think this move was just as important and got way less coverage. Helluva pick up for Dallas.
(G$) Isiah Thomas to the Suns.  This team has the potential to be the most entertaining in the league.  They should run everyone off the floor every single night.  Dragic, Bledsoe, and Thomas is one hell of a backcourt to get up and down the floor.

Breakout Player - (Iceman) Kawhi Leonard. I haven't been shy about what I think this guy can become. Most of you disagree but I won't have a problem accepting your apology after this season is over. It's time. I think this is the year Popovich finally lets Leonard get loose and gives him the freedom guys like Parker and Duncan have. It's no secret Pop wants to have black, cornrowed babies with Leonard. Just look at how much Leonard has noticeably improved over the last 3 seasons. It's insane how much better this cat is now compared to his rookie year. Leonard will be a super star by the time this season is over.
(G$) Dion Waiters.  Homer call?  Maybe/probably but Dion is either going to implode or explode this season.  I'm betting on exploding because he has the demeanor that makes me think that he will embrace what the Cavs have cooking.

MVP - (Iceman) Stephen Curry. LeBron is going to be the popular choice here with Durant being hurt but I'm going a different route. Because picking LeBron and the Cavs for everything is fucking boring. I'm throwing my nuts out there and saying Stephan Curry. He is the best shooter in the game, period and could go down as the best shooter of all time. Averaging 24, 8 and 6 is pretty fucking impressive...then throw in the fact that he weighs about as much as one of my dumps after smashing a Chinese buffet. If he improves those numbers this year I don't know how people can ignore him for MVP.
(G$) Russell Westbrook.  Easy call because I agree that LeBron won't win it.  The Thunder should still be fine with Durant on the shelf and Rusty will be hammering out gigantic statistical nights on the reg.

Rookie of the Year - (Iceman) Jabari Parker. It'll be Parker and I don't think it's close. He's looked the part and then some so far in summer league games. The only way I can see him not getting ROY is if Kidd does something incredibly dumb with Parker. And I can TOTES see that happening since Kidd sucks big dicks.
(G$) Nerlens Noel. Someone has to play for the Sixers and I don't think that anyone will actually watch a 25 win Bucks team play.  People will be intrigued by Philly's attempt to win 4 games this season.

Worst Team In The League - (Iceman) Philadelphia 76ers by a landslide. Embiid is out for who knows how long and he and Noel are the only talent this team has. Carter-Williams is hurt and not good. Philadelphia agrees since it sounds like they are constantly trying to trade him to anyone who will listen. The rest of that roster is absolutely hilarious. It really is. This team won't win more than 15 games.
(G$) Philly...'nuff said.  Got to respect the two year obvious tank.

East and West Winner - (Iceman) Cleveland and San Antonio
(G$) Cleveland and LA Clippers

Champion - (Iceman) Cleveland...with the kiss of death. Either way a team I hate looks to be winning this thing so I will curse the team I hate more with my pick. The Cavs.
(G$) Cleveland.  Yep, it all ends in June.

Iceman's Annual Pistons Prediction - The last two years I have picked the Pistons to make the playoffs and I have been wrong. Dead fucking wrong. So I'm going the more conservative approach this year. I love the SVG hire and his track record speaks for itself. I really like the off season player moves as well. Ditching Stuckey and Bynum and bringing in Augustin, Butler and Meeks were very solid moves. On paper the roster looks a whole hell of a lot better. But until they can figure out what the fuck to do with Josh Smiff, I think this team is going to struggle. He can't start and he'll be a whiny bitch if he's forced to come off the bench so they lose either way. It really is the one last dagger than needs to be removed from the Dumars era before this team can move on to being a serious playoff contender every year. I say they'll finish 9th or 10th in the East.
G$'s Annual Cavs Prediction - I'm not guaransheeding anything but I am openly setting the expectation of a championship this year.  As long as they stay relatively healthy, there is no excuse to not set that goal.  This team is absolutely fucking loaded.  Could they be better defensively?  Of course.  It's going to take a little while to get humming and I would not be shocked if they started off 12-8 in their first 20 or something.  But they are going to be incredible.  The pieces are in place and there is still some room to improve if necessary.  I believe that the Cavs will win the title this season.

Well, there you have it.  The Cavs host the Knicks tomorrow night in what should be an incredible atmosphere that will likely bring me to tears.  Now if you don't mind...GET THAT WEAK STUFF OUTTA HERE!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

College Football Week 9


What.  A.  Queer.



We really need to consider revoking the COTY award after Drew was posting pictures of himself butt fucking a Grumpy look-a-like in Vegas over the weekend.  If that wasn't bad enough, he also had an apparent ex member of Warrant giving the duck face 6 inches from his mouth.  Drew is bringing so much shame and embarrassment to such a prestigious Internet award that he OBVZ isn't taking seriously.  Drew is the Jameis Winston black eye of the COTY award.  Never forget that.  I hope you don't mind me borrowing that picture.  Just holding you accountable for your Gerontophilia, Drew.  Plenty of LOLZ to be discussed today so lets get started.

Michigan vs. Michigan State

As expected, a blowout.  Although I was surprised it took MSU so long to drive the jelly dong home.  I assumed it would be over after one quarter.  Funchess looks completely checked out at this point and I can't say that I blame him.  No way he comes back next year.  Devin Gardner did everything he could to make sure Sparty covered the spread and did that very well.  He probably had money on them.  I really have no idea why Gardner continues to play at this point.  The coaches must really fucking hate Shane Morris or think he's complete shit.  The stat in this game that really spoke to me is Michigan hasn't scored an offensive touchdown against MSU since 2011.  Really.  There are no words.  Once again...Mike Hart can choke on a million dicks for essentially starting all of this.

Oregon vs. Cal

Oregon's defense may lose them 2 more games before this year is over.  They bad.  I still don't understand why Mariota isn't first in the Heisman voting right now.  He's clearly the best QB in the country.  Dude just threw his first interception of the season this week.  He's pretty unreal and deserves to be at the top of the list.

Mississippi State Vs. Kentucky

Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace? - Dan Marino.  This has always annoyed me about the #1 team in the country.  People always say "When you're number one you get everyone's best shot".  That's so fucking stupid.  It suggests teams don't give the same effort every single game.  "Well...we were going to give you everything we had but since you're only the 18th ranked team in the country, we decided to hold back a little".  I'm sure all these guys try as hard as they can no matter who is lined up against them and no matter what their rank is.  I fuckin hate that phrase.  Anyway...chalk this Kentucky loss up to Seal being in attendance.  According to Facebook he was in Kentucky trying to impregnate horses or something.  Or at least that's what I'm telling everyone.

Ole Miss vs. LSU

Your 80 year old racist grandfather would have loved this game if not for all the blacks on the field.  Loads of defense.  And idiotic play calling.  Ole Miss deserved to lose that game for the Madden-esqu play call on their last possession.  What was that manure?  Kick the field goal, dude.  I know it's not a chip shot but that's your only chance.  Ole Miss couldn't afford to drop that game but don't worry...another SEC team will replace them in the top 4.

Auburn vs. South Carolina

Auburn had quite the scare and survived a potential bad loss Saturday.  I didn't watch much of this game since I was flipping back between Ohio vs. Penn State and Ole Miss vs. LSU.  Looked entertaining though.

TCU vs. Texas Tech

The only reason I even mention this game is because the Frogs hung an 82 point dong on Texas Tech.  That is fuckin nasty.  I bet practice is gonna be fun for Texas Tech next week.  They'll probably break Napoleon's up-down record.


Ohio Buckeyes vs. Penn State

If Penn State had an offense AT ALL, the outcome of this game would have been different.  It didn't help that the refs put PSU in a 7 point hole from the jump on a bull shit call.  I'm sure Urban Meyer paid the officials off before the game with sensual blow jobs as usual.  Barrett looked good.  LOL.  I guess that's what happens when you play against an actual defense not ranked in the 70s.  Fuckeyes will point to Barrett's play in OT thinking it will erase 4 quarters of being bad.  It doesn't.  Those are Devin Gardner numbers.  The fact is you should have blown out a team both Michigan and Northwestern beat.  Instead you squeaked by in double overtime.  But I'm sure you shit dicks will make some pathetic attempt at spinning this in a positive way.  Nice game, dildos.

That'll be all today.  The first playoff ranking gets released today.  Did they get it right or did someone get fucked?  Speaking of getting fucked...someone better ask Drew how the most disgusting Vegas 3 way in the history of gross sex went in between his LULZing in the comments.  Oh...and get an AIDS test.  The duck lips guy looks like he gets around.

Monday, October 27, 2014

The Worst of Week Eight Vol.VIII

ELITE parenting skills by Batman
Well, it finally happened.  It was inevitable but the only question mark was when.  Yes, my wife left me-----with the baby for the next three days while she goes off to some conference up at Sparty until Wednesday evening.  I am a single dad for the next 60 hours and this is not a role that I was born to play.  Like, at all.  I did my homework though as I knew that this was coming for a while.  A lot of dap must be given to the MAC for scheduling Miami home games this past Saturday and coming up again in 5 days which allowed me to leave the dog with my parents.  Hell, I even used vacation days this week to focus on the task.  Sure, day care will do most of the hard work this week, but that doesn't make my job easy.  I've got ALL of the feedings and changings after dark now instead of making the wife do it.  That means no good sleep and keeping my ears on a swivel once the sun goes down.  I will succeed at this.  I will not let this baby defeat me no matter how much her baby poop makes me gag.  I WILL WIN.  And if the two of us make it through the next three days then we will CARRY THE FLAG on Friday night together.

***NOTE: We are joining the battle anyway so it doesn't matter how awful either of us are.

So please wish me the worst of luck.  I figure that as long as we don't go the ER, this week's episode of "G$: Single Dad" will be a success.  I set high goals.  Now let's fire that fucking pig skin!

Not The Grove City Greyhounds - Say what you want to about the suburb itself but the school's QB is named RILEY COOPER.  HAHAHAHA!  ELITE!

Terry and Howie - Bros, you work one day a week and barely break a sweat anyway.  Get your old asses out of bed and do the London pregame show. And don't show up at halftime acting all cool.  You both suck.

Mike Smith - And here is your next coach fired.  Come on! The clock management at the end was absurd.  The Lions don't win that if you just run the damn ball.  Matt Ryan had one of the worst interceptions that you'll ever see.  Hell, walking emotion machine Jim Caldwell sat EVERYONE that wasn't 100%.  He wasn't even trying to win that game.  This was peak Falcons.

Roger Goodell - FIVE games in London next year!  Fuck you.

Geno SMH and Michael Pick - It doesn't matter.  They both blow equally.  The only difference is that one has served time and thus is more respected by his race (probably).  I noticed something yesterday as The Kyle Orton Express was working on his Pro Bowl resume: Geno looks like A-Rod.  Count it.  I'm not going to rag on Sammy Watkins for being dumb because the dude is sick and I can't blame him for assuming the Jets quit.  Bills sick!

Zack Mettenburger - This sex offender was all the rage this week as he brought his Wooderson look to the first team huddle.  But just like in college, Zack Attack is terrible.  At least he's kept his penis to himself as a pro...so far.  There were A LOT of horseshit games on at 1 yesterday (JAX/MIA, STL/KC, and MIN/TB) that we will not be discussing.

Marshawn Lynch - Yeah, it's definitely time for him to move on and be someone else's problem.  Dude just looks like someone that you don't want to be around.  It sounds like the Bucs are shopping Douglas Martin, too.  This just reinforces my stance that RBs are worthless.  That Panthers/Seahawks game was also a horrible watch.

Joe Flacco and Steve SMH Sr - Rough day for Big Joe ELITE as he struggled for the most part probably due to being blinded by Dalton's hair.  It didn't help that he won the game with a beautiful rocket launch but his insane teammate cheated and ruined things.  I'm still a buyer of Ravens stock.  Yesterday doesn't make me a believer in the Bengals though.  Can Gio Bernard please stop being a bitch and actually finish a game?

Pretty much everyone associated with the Bears ever - "Wow."--Cakes.  That was a full body suck.  Last week, everyone was yelling at everyone else and of course that didn't help at all. I am writing SEASON OVER on top of the Bears logo because that it too much dysfunction, the coach looks like no one respects him, and the QB is a joke.  This is why you don't commit monster money to a guy just because "he's better than what we've had".  I'm sorry that you have to hear this from me, Prime and Larry, but this team is going nowhere without major changes in leadership.  Gronk just scored again.

The goddamn injury bug - We already knew how banged up the CBJ are were to start the season but this weekend's trip to CA really stepped it up.  Cam Atkinson nearly lost his fucking eyeball on Friday night and Nick Foligno was stretchered off in LA yesterday after skating head first into a referee's ass.  GIVE IT A REST.  

Nate Allen - Oh, that be some ELITE terrible prevent defense by the fraud Eagles.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL!  Fuck you, Ace.  Your team is a total fluke.

Browns fans - I can't believe that I'm going to say this but Iceman was right.  Brian Hoyer never had a chance. As soon as he had a poor game, the natives would turn on him immediately.  And they spent the entire first half and most of the third quarter booing him.  Let's not forget that this offense isn't very talented and their rock solid center is gone.  No, let's blame the QB.  Hoyer isn't anything special as I've said forever, but you were leading the entire game.  You don't boo on your team when they are winning.  Go drown in a bucket of piss, idiots.

The debate of the week - CONGRATS TO BIG BEN FOR WINNING HIS 100TH START IN ONLY 150 GAMES!  WHAT A TITAN OF THE INDUSTRY AND TRULY AN ELITE QUARTERBACK!  Holy shit did they look great or what?  I think that the Colts are very good so that makes it doubly impressive.  That said, you are hearing a lot of talk about whether Roethlisberger is a Hall of Famer.  He still has a little more work today but I think that he is absolutely trending in the right direction.  If you told me to pick today, then I say YES.  He is a Hall of Famer.  This should get the comments cranked up to 11 today.

Jimmy Graham - Listen, bitch, I'll tell you what I had to tell Megatron.  Either play or don't.  No more of this half-ass bullshit that helps no one.  If you can't go then sit.

FANTASY! - Getting smoked in the LFL (although about to pull off another blockbuster deal this week) and OTHER LEAGUE.  I'm pretty confident that I will vanquish Lange in the MSFL and get to .500 which is the upset of the millennium.  And it's looking good to beat Drool in the G$FL as long as DeSean doesn't blow up tonight.

Speaking of which, Redskins/Cowboys tonight!!!  WEEEEEE!!!  We haven't humiliated ourselves on national TV in almost a month!  That has to change.  I can't wait.  I also can't wait to wake up my daughter after yelling racist shit at Jay Gruden.  FUN!  See you tomorrow where we take a garbage team to double overtime and act like that's not that bad.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Is This Post Black Enough???

Nothing blacker than giving out pound dawgs to a crack-smoking adulterer!
You just knew that the fallout from the Seahawks trading professional migraine liar and WR Percy Harvin was going to be good.  We just didn't know how good.  And now we know...it is hilarious.  Bleacher Report columnist/black guy/awful columnist Mike Freeman reported a few days ago that there was a faction in the Seattle locker room that was growing frustrated with Rusty Wilson claiming that he was too quick to deflect blame and "not black enough".  SWEET!  Another "cornball brother" fiasco!  Let's break this juicy rumor down!

*Seattle JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL and it is already unraveling - This usually takes a little bit longer for everyone to get greedy and start playing for themselves.  It only took six games for Pete Carroll's squad to start Anchorman-style fighting each other.  I'm pretty sure that Richard Sherman just threw a trident.

*Uhhhh, Russell Wilson has ALWAYS been like this - I mean, I'm not a big fan of the guy because I'm jealous of how good and classy and humble he is, but that is who he is.  If you are anti-Rusty then you are pro-horrible people.  Russell Wilson hasn't changed one bit.  The haters have.

*Has Wilson ever not said the right thing - Since when has Wilson not taken the heat after games?  This is SO stupid.  Peyton Manning is known for throwing his teammates under the bus after losses but I have never heard Wilson deflect anything.  He is a true leader in the purest sense.  And it's not like it happens very often when Seattle loses because of the QB anyway.

*What sort of asshole backs Harvin over the QB that just won the Super Bowl - Pussy Hurtin' did so very little over a year and a half to contribute toward the team's success but somehow he has teammates backing him in the locker room EVEN THOUGH it has been confirmed that he fought Golden Tate and Doug Baldwin?  They need to find these Harvin backers and cut their asses.  Why would anyone follow Harvin over Wilson?

*The notion of being "not black enough" is INSANE - Yes, it is funny but it is a big reason why there are still monster racial issues in this country.  It's not just white vs. black but there is large black vs. black dynamic that is hurting way more than it helps.  The notion that a black person has to act a certain way or they are a sellout/Uncle Tom is bananas.  There are people who believe that Terrell Owens is a better representative of who they are as a people than Shane Battier.  NUTS.  I'm sure that Ape can come up with some sort of sociological whatever about this (and he better quote Dr. Harry Edwards!) but this kind of crap (along with the RG3 hate from Rob Parker) just infuriates a well chronicled white man such as myself.

Like I said, I'm not a big Wilson fan because I do not gravitate toward the goody two shoes of the world but I sure as hell respect what he can do on and off the field.  It's not his job to represent anything other than his team, himself, his family, and the products that he endorses.  Fuck everything else.  In conclusion, I will continue to be as white as I possibly can be just for all of you.

As usual, let's close with some gambling advice:
Ohio -14 @ Penn State - The pedophiles can't run the ball and can't pass protect.  I don't care how loud those rape supporters get.  This won't be close.
Sparty -17 vs. Michigan - This is going to be a bloodbath.  I can't see DG98 putting up more than 10 points and MSU will score at least 4 times.
Marshall -28 vs. FAU - My old man got me on Marshall.  The only way that people will notice them is if they kill everybody (and even then no one will care).  The Herd are a rock solid team to bet on.

BAL PK @ CIN - I will take an ELITE QB all day!
NO PK vs. GB - The Saints don't lose at home.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-5...fuck) is none other than the revenge game to end all revenge games.  Father vs. Son.  The villain is coming home.  Don't Treadwell, fresh off the worst head coaching performance in the history of football, comes back to Oxford as RBs coach at Kent State.  I am going with the RedHawks -6.5 to unleash a lot of pent-up rage on their former coach tomorrow.  I expect a bloodbath.  The line is closer than it should be due to Kent's out of nowhere crushing of Army last week but don't believe the hype.  I will be placing a large wager on this one, folks.

That's it for this week.  I hope that all of you are OK with that.  If you didn't like any of the posts this week, it wasn't any of the writer's fault.  It was yours.  Never forget that.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Where Should Braxton Miller Suck Dick Next Year?

This one is really going to test your work filter

Let me start out this post by stating what I have always stated, BRAXTON MILLER IS OVERRATED AS....RAW DENIM....or something. But he's overrated as fuck and isn't a good quarterback. Great afflete. Shit quarterback. I have always felt this way. So let's go back to August 20th, when G$ introduced us all to the new leader of Fuckeyes.

Here was my immediate reaction to Braxton going out;
"I see 2-4 losses for the Buckeyes this year. Barrett is going to lose them a couple games this year that they wouldn't have lost with Brax. But I think the Fuckeyes have a ton of question marks on the team outside of QB anyways. 
Also Braxton is the most OVERRATED 2 time B1G player of the year ever. I've never been a big fan of him as a QB, as I was squarely on #TeamSmoothJazz, so I can see Barrett being a better passer on the intermediate throws that Brax was typically awful at. But for this year that's the only upgrade I can see with Barrett> Brax. 
I do think Barrett will come along nicely as the season goes, as long as his O-line allows him to(huge ?). And if he does and I'm a Fuckeye fan I don't want Brax back, other than to be some Wildcat/Weapon type of player. He's just not that good of a QB."
That looks like a pretty #MEASURED and accurate statement. Here is Drew's response;
"LOLZ @ not wanting Braxton back as a QB. I can't believe someone wouldn't think he doesn't make them a better team. If he would have played this year, he would have basically owned the OSU football record books at the end of the season. What a terrible player."
Let's also note this was after he dropped a JT Barrett is ELITE because of military family bomb. Fuck Drew is what I'm saying.

I have been very impressed with Barrett, unlike some other HATERZ around here. I think he is developing nicely as the season progresses, regardless of the defenses he has faced, and that will continue the rest of the year. He still has a big ol' twat for an arm, any throw over 40 yards is an absolute duck, but he has poise and is making plays when they are needed without making mistakes. And I don't think what he does against Sparty is all that relevant because he's going to continue to develop and he's already better than Braxton. I think he is going to be a really good/great QB for the Fuckeyes and I hate that, but I will deal with that some other Saturday. Shutting him down after this year to bring back Braxton would be a Brady Hoke level of fat fucking ruhtard who knows nothing about football. I don't think Urbz is that stupid. You all know where this is going, Braxton has gots to go.

So here is how I see Braxton's options for next year:

Go back to the Fuckeyes. I don't see this happening at all unless my prediction above comes to fruition....which is totes a possibility because ME>U. It's also possible for the reasons brought up by G$ back in August;
"It's a torn labrum, right? Let's not just assume that Prince Twat is going to come back the same or better. He might show up to Spring Ball throwing the rock like Cakes AKA a faggot OBVZ"
The Fuckeyes, with Barrett at the helm, may offer Braxton the best opportunity for him showcase his talent as a pure AFFLETE. I have never debated his ability to make plays. And I think Urbz could do some real damage if he opened up the playbook to use Braxton athletic ability to its' full potential. I think this is the least likely of situations, and I don't think there is a chance that Braxton comes back to the Fuckeyes in any other role than this(barring a Barrett injury).

Graduate Transfer. This is assuming that Braxton's vaginal shoulder can fully heal, otherwise no other team is taking a chance on him. But if Braxton Miller really thinks that he can be a quarterback at the next level--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--then he is going to have to go elsewhere to prove that. I'm not totally sure where he would land as I'm not going to review every teams QB depth right now, but I'll throw some out that make sense to me. Michigan!!! This would be the ultimate troll job and depending on who Michigan hires(Dan Mullen) I think it could work as a stopgap. Florida!!! If Dan Mullen ends up in Gainesville like I suspect he will, Miller seems like a perfect fit for one year while Mullen finds his QB of the future on the recruiting trail. Oregon!!! I'm not sure if this is realistic because I feel like Oregon's system is too complex for somebody to just show up and start, but I think there is room for somebody to step in after Mariota. There are obvs going to be other options out there for a player of his caliber, no matter how OVERRATED he is, but those three schools would be interesting potential destinations.

Go Pro Bro. It might just be time for Braxton to take his talents to the NFL...for two years until only the CFL will accept him. Again, he would be entering the NFL Draft as an afflete because he doesn't have the QB skills to make it in the NFL and he hasn't shown the skills to be a WR or the durability to be a RB. Denard Robinson was drafted at the beginning of the 5th round. Braxton Miller does not have the agility nor the straight line speed of Denard, but is a better QB prospect(not saying much) so it's hard for me to imagine Miller as anything more than a 5-7 round draft pick. But with the durability issues I don't know if he should chance another year as an amateur when he is pretty much guaranteed to make a roster based on potential alone. He's not in a position to pass up 500k when his shoulder is one bad throw away from being ruined forever.

Some might feel that this discussion is premature, as Drew said in the comments Tuesday, but I don't think so. Barrett has shown his worth already and he's every bit the quarterback Braxton was...and then some. I don't care what kind of ink Braxton has on is body, he needs to think about what's best for his future...and that's leaving the Fuckeyes behind, one way or the other.

What I was trying to say in this post is that I think Ide said it best back in August;
"Iceman is the type of guy who waves goodbye to his friends."

Good say, sirs. I SAID GOOD DAY.
video

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Ranking The Takesmiths

With yesterday's odd argument on accountability on the internet (LOL!), I figured that we could kick it up a notch today with the pros.  There is no doubt that the "embrace debate" mantra is ruining society but I'm not talking about how Worst Cake should be the #1 morning show in America.  I'm talking about the vast hellscape known as Sports Talk Radio!  Most of us listen to it a lot.  Some of us call in to win fabulous Pat Fenis-related prizes.  Anyone that avoids it altogether should be considered a saint.

There are good radio shows and many, MANY bad ones.  A few weeks ago, I was walking the dog during the Skins/Seahawks Monday Night Football game so I strapped on my headphones to listen to the action.  ESPN had a playoff baseball game on and CBS had some weirdo named Farrell spitting out venom.  Have you heard this guy?  It sounds like he is talking out of a voice box.  Who put that guy on the air?  Awful bar, TERRIBLE BAHHHHHH!  I decided to rank 12 sports radio shows (almost all of them national).  We'll actually start with the best and work our way to the god awful audio diarrhea.

1. The Dan Patrick Show - Dan is the best and no one really comes close.

2. Dari and Mel - I LOVE this Saturday morning show.  They talk almost nothing but football and the jingle is the greatest.  Excellent dog-walking listen.  And I will never apologize for being in love with Kiper.

3. The Ian O'Connor Show - Just a no nonsense Sunday morning show out of New York that also is enjoyable while walking the dog.  I do a lot of dog walking on weekend mornings.

4. SVP & Rusillo - By the time that the previous show ends, most listeners are ready to throw their radios away but SVP is just a good dude and Rusillo seems equally cool.  It takes a lot to make up the damage that their lead-in left but they excel at it.

5. Mike & Mike - Look, this is corny shit but my ears aren't ready for molten hot takes that early in the morning.  I need some easy listening on the way to work.  This is a very vanilla show but it works.  They need to end that relationship with Cris Carter though.

6. The Local Shows - Bishop and Rothman are fine even though I find Beau to be really arrogant a lot of the times for not perceived reason at all.  Rothman takes his dogs to the same place as Commenter Daniel I'm told.  Which leaves us with Common Man and Company.  Why they still use Company even though it is TBone and once a week Krenzel, I do not know.  CM & Torg would have been #3 for me if they were still together.  Separately, they do not work as well.  Together, they talk to the POTUS.  I hate TBone.  All other shows produced locally can eat hog.

7. The Jim Rome Show - He's been doing the same exact show for over 15 years now.  It is the same thing every day.  Great interviews with athletes, callers calling each other out for some dumb reason, war, and people getting racked.  Rome is an acquired taste.  I do not care for the flavor much.

8. Sedano & Stink - At this point, I would like to remind everyone of the short-lived Hill & Stink where Schlereth spent every night trying to perfect his ebonics.  It was the best worst thing ever.  These guys are serviceable but a guy named Jorge should not go by George.  False advertising IMO.

9. The Mike Lupica Show - The radio show is fine because you don't have to look at his stupid midget face.  He tends to interview Joe Maddon every week though and I hate Joe Maddon.

10. The Mike Francesca Show - This asshole New Yorker is so boring.  It doesn't help that he falls asleep on the air at least once a year.

11. The Herd - How is this not last?  Well, for as racist and bad and racist as Colin is, he does give decent gambling advice.  I can't stand Colin and he should have been suspended for a wide variety of things many times, but...uh, I actually don't have a compliment prepared for him.  FUCK HIM.  I DRINK SODA.  DEAL WITH IT.  KISS MY BUTT, COWTURD!

12. Boomer and Carton - This is simulcast on CBS Sports and is the worst thing ever.  Boomer is just a repugnant turd (see: his thoughts on Daniel Murphy's paternity leave) and Craig Carton is a fucking cocksucker.  Maybe Ide can back me up on this but these two guys are straight up shitdicks.

Let's open the phone lines today and lay out our thoughts on national and regional sports talk radio.  We can even have an Airing of Grievances segment if you are so inclined.  Either way, have a take but DO NOT SUCK.  I loooooooooooooove ya, commenters!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

College Football Week 8


"Yayyass!  Uh free toy at thuh bottum of muh Skoal tin!"



Oh boy.  CONTROVERSY!  CONSPIRACY!  SMOKING GUNS!  HOSE JOBS!  TIN HATS!  Today could break the record for most comments if the lone Notre Dame fan here pulls his weight today.  There is a lot to discuss so let's jump right in.

Ohio Buckeyes vs. Rutgers

The Ohio Buckeyes blew out another average Big 10 team Saturday but that didn't stop Drew from acting like they just won the National Championship.  His weekly streak of being the most annoying fuck on Twitter is intact.  Goals are important to have.  Somewhere along the line Drew got it in his head that I GUARANSHEED the Buckeyes were winning 8 games tops.  Rest assured that never happened.  /cue Drew frantically FACT checking previous posts and coming up empty.  Drew and the Ohio Buckeyes really were made for each other.

Alabama vs. Texas A&M

Hammer fuckin time.  ROLL DAMN KISS MY BUTT COWTURD!  Phyllis from Mulga will never stop being awesome.  If not for the Randy Orton RKOing the world, this bitch would have won the Internet.  This game was a combination of Texas A&M being not that good and Alabama being really pissed off about almost losing last week.  And Kenneth Hill SUX.  The SEC West has 4 teams in the top 5.  I'm sure Cakes will be thrilled about that.

Baylor vs. West Virginia

LOL Baylor.  Baylor does this every year, don't they?  Pile together some wins, get ranked in the top 5 and then just completely fuckin blow it against a rank turd of a football team.  Don't believe what WVU's record says.  I'm sure they'll finish the season 7-5.  The real winner of this game was the kid on the header of today's post.  I can't stop LOLing at those teeth.  The end of this game also officially marked the end of my sobriety for Saturday.

Now for the game that everyone wants to talk about today.  I have allowed Larry, per his request, to do a write up about FSU vs. Notre Dame.  Anything to make my job simple.  Get ready for a shit load of tears and excuse making.


#5 Notre Dame @ #2 FSU:
Not going to lie, this one hurt bad. I don't think I have experienced an outcome to a game that was this painful. The only one that is coming to mind is The Bartman game. I will get to the CONTROVERSIAL call later but first lets start with the game.

Going into the game my expectations were not high. I felt we could hang with them but I was not going to be surprised if it turned out to be a blowout. That all changed after NDs first TD drive. The Irish were dominating the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball and I liked how Kelly was calling the game. Kelly was aggressive and took some chances. I agreed with every fourth down attempt call he made and he could have been successful on all of them if the players executed them right. That is one of the main reasons the Irish lost, they left too many plays on the field which took points of the board and you cannot do that against the defending champs and expect to win. Winston looked rattled early and looked anything but a former Heisman winner. That all changed after halftime. He proved why he is one of the best QB even though he is a dumbass. Golson did match Winston's play and came one play short of out playing him. Should be an early Heisman favorite next year. 

Now lets get to the call. I am going to tell you my thoughts on it and leave it at that. I know all of you will not agree and you will say that I am being a stupid Irish Homer (*CORRECT). I couldn't care less because nothing can be said to change my mind. I have watched the replay from many different angles and watched them so many times I lost count. First, lets start with #20 Prosise. He was the WR on the line of scrimmage that was jammed at the LOS. Both him and the DB were locked up with each other so I don't see how you can call him for a PI because both players were doing the same thing to each other. Now the outside WR #7 Fuller is the borderline play. He ran a slant and did make contact with the DB. He did not break off his route to make contact with the DB, the only thing he did wrong was not look back at the QB to make it look like he was looking for the ball. HOWEVER, when refs are going to call a PI for the "pick" play they need to determine whether or not the DB would have had a play on the ball if it was not for the pick. That was not the case on this play, the DB would have had no chance even if there was no contact with the WR.

Also, I did go a little crazy on twitter but I have never experienced a high moment like that but ended up doing a 180 degree turn around. Add that with a few too many beers and that is what you get.

Now my thoughts.  First of all, Brian Kelly is a whiny cry baby fuck that no one should like.  He's a guy that the world can universally hate effortlessly.  Notre Dame fans would hate him too if they had souls.  Basically at the root of everything, Kelly is a murderer and Notre Dame fans are pro murder.  Second, if you read the ACC's explanation of why offensive PI was called and then watch the play happen, you can clearly see that the correct call was made and Notre Dame fans are just sore fucking losers.

But that won't stop Brian Kelly from clapping his twat lips about how Notre Dame was hosed.  And of course their bitchy fans will follow suit.  I was hammered in a bar when this happened so I had to go back sober and watch everything.  I really don't see what the uproar is about.  The right call was made regardless of people saying FSU had "blown" the coverage on the play.  Wide receivers can't block down field before the pass is thrown past the line of scrimmage and those receivers were blocking.  End of discussion.

That's how you do it folks.  You let a pissed off Notre Dame fan write a third of your post for you so you keep the actual work to a minimum.  Blogging 101.  That's my time for today.  I wish every week was this easy.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Worst of Week Seven Vol.VIII

Watch out for invisible Randy Orton, Tubs!
This is just great.  I want to believe that someone in the Texas Tech basketball office said , "OK, we've got Midnight Madness coming up and need to do something cool and generate a buzz for the program.  I've got it!  We'll put our old black guy coach on a motorcycle for some reason!  Nothing could go wrong here.  We'll piggyback off of (terrible) Sons of Anarchy (again, just an awful show).  Maybe that one fan who wanted to fight Marcus Smart will get pumped!"  And then he dumped the bike on the court. And Texas Tech is still forever a joke.  LOLOLOLOL!  By the way, college basketball season is around the corner...would Drew and Seal be up for contributing to the preview again (in a few weeks)???  Let's fire that fucking pigskin before Tubby kills himself trying to fly a plane!

Notre Dame Fans - Stop it, stud, save that for tomorrow.

Percy Harvin - When news of his trade to the Jets broke on Friday evening, I was shocked.  Why would Seattle do this?  It's not like they are loaded with proven playmakers on the outside.  But then you realize that Harvin has done so very little in two years there and sounds like a disaster to deal with.  So you dump his ass.  And you trade him to the biggest joke/circus of a franchise in the NFL.  Oh yeah, I'm sure that Rex and Marty will use Harvin well.  LOL!  This is just another reminder that, outside of the Tens, Urban Meyer recruited nothing but human filth at Florida.  No one wants anything to do with any of his old players.  FACT.

Or Not - Maybe Harvin wasn't the problem? Maybe it is the dreaded "disease of more" that shithead Pat Riley describes as the #1 killer of champions trying to repeat.  Because when you lose to the Rams, you pretty much suck.  Rusty Dubs was fantastic to bring them back but that defense just isn't that great for whatever reason.  And, of course, they are given a shot at the end when Tre Mason fumbles but Richard Sherman fucks up the recovery.  3-3.  NOT GOOD.

Luke Kuechly - He's white and from Ohio so everyone loves him but he threw a 'bow at a referee and got kicked out.  I don't blame him.  They were getting slaughtered.  By the way, the Packers are fantastic now that they figured shit out.  Just straight up killing suckas ever since the gay QB reminded us all to relax.

Steven Jackson - Just cut this guy already.  You've got two RBs that deserve more touches for a tenth of the price.  The Falcons are awful.  Joe Flacco?  Still ELITE.

Brian Hoyer - Fucking sucks.  Might want to pump the brakes on those contract extension demands, bruh, you penis-looking garbage QB.  Typical Browns.  Getting their hopes up that they may actually challenge for the North and then get destroyed by a winless London team.

FEED THE LACES - Denard fucking Robinson, the STARTING RUNNING BACK for the Jags, ran for 127 yards.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That's horrendous.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

The entire Bengals organization - Jesus Christ, AJ Green can't be THAT important.  You will be hard pressed to find a worse performance than what the Bengals did yesterday.

CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson - Both died on the field yesterday but that doesn't matter when you have The Kyle Orton Express running trains on The Torg!  BILLS!  Did you see what Sammy Watkins did yesterday, Ray Farmer???  It's going to be hilarious to see people scramble to pick up Bryce Brown (not even active yesterday) off the waiver wire this coming week.

Jay Catler at home - I don't get it.  The Bears are a terrible home team.  Truly the icing on the shit cake that was Larry's weekend as a football fan. Apparently, Brandon Marshall's crazy ass called out The Cat after the game.  Yeah, I'm sure that that will help.

Drew Brees - He was having the best game he has had all season until the last few minutes when he single-handedly lost that game for the Saints.  I would say that the season is over for NO but the South is SO BAD.  Are the Lions the worst 5-2 team ever?  I would rather be the worst 5-2 team than the best 2-5 so I guess it doesn't matter.  At least they didn't miss any field goals.  PROGRESS!

Kirk Cousins - Jesus was he bad in the first half.  So pathetic that it was a really easy call to go with Colt McCoy.  I like Kirk but he is a back-up.  Period.  I wanted to believe otherwise but it just isn't in the cards.  He will be in the league for a decade but the notion that he could be trade bait is foolish and I was the last person to know it.  BUT WE WON!  Colt McCoy for Heisman!  Skins are on Monday Night Football again next week (WHY!  WTF!) in Dallas and it sounds like RG3 is another week away so I would roll with Colt.  HE SICK.  2-5!

Poetic Justice - If you recall, I attacked Brian Orakpo pretty ELITE-like on Friday.  He left the game yesterday with a possible torn tit (again).  This is not my fault.

Kansas City's WRs - Are awful.  They tried all that they could to piss away that nice win.  I've had about enough of Dwayne Bowe.  Now that Lee Evans is out of the league, I would like to nominate Bowe as the new Lee Evans.  Just a rotten player that many people still think is good.  Not a good loss for my Bolts but maybe the Chiefs aren't that bad.  Chargers/Broncos on Thursday...I LIKE.

Tony Sparano - What is their left to bury?  It might be time to dig up Al Davis and then re-bury him.

Larry Donnell - I should have traded you when I had the chance and now I'm two weeks away from cutting you.  Two fumbles isn't going to sit well with your rat-faced asshole head coach, bro.  Bonus worst to Odell Beckham Jr for his stupid dances when his team is getting killed.  This is the kind of shithead that PFTCommenter hates (and rightfully so).  The fucking Cowboys are 6-1 with the Skins up next.  UGH.

FANTASY! - OK, so I easily vanquished Iceman again in the MSFL.  Barring a miracle night from Crabtree, I will beat -Rex in the LFL.  I will likely defeat -Rex again in the G$FL.  AND I will probably roll in my OTHER LEAGUE.  Holy shit!  I whine about my luck and here comes a 4-0 week!  ELITE!  ME HEART FANTASY FOOTBALL AGAIN!

That will do it for me today.  I'm looking forward to watching JJ Watt destroy no less than 40 Steelers tonight.  He's going to bury whoever the RT is.  You may want to check in with this site tomorrow as the day will be highlighted by Notre Dame fans trying to tell us how rules do not apply to them and others will try to convince us that they are playoff material because they keep pounding garbage.  Get ready, sane people, because you will have a real hoot.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Open Forum: Scapegoats

DURRRRRRRRR
The best part about rooting for a fucking loser franchise/team is that you get to be mad all the time and blame others for why you are always so angry.  Being a sports fan isn't about having fun.  It is about suffering through all of the goddamn times that the laundry that you cheer for rips out your black heart and then fucks it good and proper while you sit their in stunned silence.  Fuming.  No one better say one fucking word to you for the next hour or you will rip their head off.  That is how it usually goes.  It's great to win things but the scars are what you remember forever.

The older that I get (I graduated with Grumpy probably) the more mellow and accepting of sports outcomes I have become.  It isn't about maturity either.  It's that I have embraced my inner-Iceman.  I KNOW that my team will fail so I temper my expectations.  It is a reverse Cakes outlook on life (Allah bless him...I don't know how he does it).  If you accept that they're going to blow it somehow and probably in embarrassing fashion, it doesn't necessarily lessen the blow, but at least you won't be surprised.  At this stage of my life, I just SMH and roll my eyes.

Where am I going with this?  Who knows!  It's a bit of a rough transition but being a loser isn't always smooth sailing so I'll allow it.  I'm a big fan of picking one or two shitheads off of my squadrons and blaming them for everything.  Back in the day, it wasn't LeBron that kept failing for the Cavs it was goddamn Drew Gooden and his stupid hair!  I will never stop hating Drew Gooden.  Prime is a way better basketball player imo.  So I figured that today we could all go around the commenting room and share our scapegoats.  And if you are having a hard time with this, just remember that Ohio Buckeye fans are still blaming Joe Bauserman for everything.

Brian Orakpo. People seem to think that this guy is an ELITE pass rusher.  I don't know why.  He SUCKS.  If it is possible to get negative pressure on the QB, then he does it.  The Skins franchise tagged him this year because they wanted him to prove himself coming off of injury.  He has .5 sacks through 6 games.  One half of one sack.  This guy has always been more steak than sizzle.  Last year some time, I listed the most OVERRATED players in a bunch of different sports.  Orakpo was left off the list because he tore his titty.  Well, let me tell you, this bro is ridiculously OVERRATED.  If you want to know why the Redskins are 1-5 and will probably lose to Tennessee this week, it isn't because the offense sucks.  It is because they get no blindside pressure on the QB ever.  Let this fucking guy walk after this most recent shitbag worthless season ends.  He isn't worth it any more.

I don't know who I will blame on the Cavs but I'll just assume that Mike Miller will be a contender for that crown.  I will forever loathe Mark Teixeira.  And, on the ice, I don't know, I like all of the Jackets.  I suppose I could point a finger at Nathan Horton's shit back.  Tim Erixon kind of looks like a douche but he's playing well so I will allow it.

Let's play the blame game today.  But we can't exit Stage ELITE without a trip to the Glory Hole!

This week's MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-4!) was tough because the initial game that I liked I ended up scrapping out of fear.  I initially was going to go with BG -1 vs. WMU but I'm backing off from that one.  Instead, I'm going with Army -2.5 @ Kent State.  Kent is 0-7, averaging 17 points per game, and can't stop the run.  Army can only run the ball.  Kent State is awful.  I also like Akron -3.5 @ Ohio KneelandBobcats.  Frank Solich is just doing a terrible job there now and I love every second of it.

That will do it for us this week.  G$ is taking his spawn to her first college hockey game tonight as the RedHawks come to town to do their annual pillage and plunder of Ohio Buckeyes.  It will be a nice appetizer for her first flag carrying in a few weeks.  BEAT CALGARY AND OTTAWA AND OHIO BUCKEYES AND NORTHERN ILLINOIS AND TENNESSEE TITANS!  That covers about everything.  Any team that loses will be Orakpo and his caveman buddy's fault anyway.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Just Feel Like We Need A Wrestling Post

Bad Lip Reading: "Did something fly in my crotch?"

I haven't been able to stop watching Randy Orton RKOing the fuck out of everybody on the internet and I don't want to. I was going to do a little breakdown of the best #RKOing vids that have been released...but then I found out SBNation and Uproxx had already done it, and I was left without a plan. But alas, great members of the commentariate, I bring you the best of both worlds. Some of my favorite members of this glorious meme and a list of WWF suggestions who should be up next.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: I can't think of a meme that the Texas Rattlesnake shouldn't be involved in, but this one is an obvs no brainer. You have the glass shattering, the stunner, the middle fingers, and then the beer chug. I can see Jay Cutty getting stunned right now.


The Undertaker: Imagine a running back diving for the pylon, being upended and about to land on his head...and then out of nowhere The Deadman comes in and Tombstones him. I need that in my life.


Hacksaw Jim Duggan: They already created a video featuring the "Clothesline from Hell"(whoever the fuck that guy is). Just look at this wrestling tactitian and tell me he doesn't deserve all this glory. USA USA USA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Ted Dibiase: I'm sure there is a video out there of Iceman slowly crumpling to the ground under the weight of his 18th rumplemintz shot. The Million Dollar Dream should totes be making an appearance in that video.


The Rock: You can't have a list like this and leave out The People's Champ, no matter how terrible Pain and Gain(one of the few movies I couldn't make it through) was. The Rock Bottom and The People's Elbow would work perfectly in these.


Ric Flair: I seriously LOL'd at the thought of Flair going crazy with WOOOOOOO Chops and then doing his strut.

Also, this was done back in 2009. Talk about being ahead of your time.

Hulk Hogan: The Hulk should be coming through at the end of every single one of these videos and finishing it with the leg drop.

hahahahahahahaha that's just fantastic.

Shawn Michaels: Sweet Chin Music was made for this shit. Ask Yasiel Puig.



BRILLIANT! This will never get old. Please leave your suggestions in the comments. And if you have some of your own internet gold to drop on us then please do that as well. The internet is a magnificent beast.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Thing That I Love Has Become Lame

We've been cranking out posts here for awhile now and one thing that has always been certain is my unequivocal love for the fantasy football lifestyle.  I have written about it way too much.  Until the last few years, it has always been nothing but bluster.  Yet I hit a groove and became the only person you know that has won a title in every league that he competes in (minimum of four leagues, bruh).  Throughout the month of August, we even have a weekly Fantasy Football Friday feature to get everyone's mind sharp heading into draft season.

I've also been very open and honest about this season being the season from Hell for ol' G$.  Nothing is going right.  The great thing about fantasy sports is that it can ease the pain of a God awful real team like the Washington Navajo Nation.  I can't even get THAT right this year.  This has been a TERRIBLE season.  Maybe it's the constant losses and poor management decisions but I have come to a conclusion...

Fantasy Football has jumped the shark.  I might even be able to convince myself that it is OVERRATED.  I'm not there yet, mind you, but I'm getting there.  Allow me to explain why.

*Everyone plays it now.  Even women!  The nerve of them!  Nothing is cool when everyone does it.
*People don't seem to get that no one cares about your team or bad beats or whatever if they aren't in your league.  We can talk about things here because there is a league founded from the dark hellscape of the comment section.  But as soon as you mention your OTHER LEAGUE, I'm fucking out.  Everyone seems to understand that no one wants to hear about your teams, but they keep talking anyway.
*The woman that sits next to me at work is in a league for the first time with her husband and friends.  It's kind of adorbs to see someone take a free league so seriously.  What isn't cool is that she wants roster advice and waiver suggestions EVERY DAY.  Plus, I'm kind of jealous of her roster.
*I'm learning this the hard way but one major injury or suspension and the shit is over.  It doesn't matter how many minor trades that you pull off (and boy have I tried).  If your stud fucks you, then you are FUCKED.  It is impossible to get unfucked.
*That said, Fantasy Football is way more luck than skill.  I hate to admit this because I like consider myself an expert but it's true.  If you can avoid the IR then that is the most important trait for your roster.  I won the MSFL because of Peyton last year.  I did almost nothing but slot him in at QB for 15 weeks.  It was the easiest thing that I've ever done.  When you win something, you like to feel that you've earned it.  I did not earn that title.  I happily accept it though as well as the homemade Second Mile t-shirt that came with it.
*Speaking of experts, everyone fucking considers themselves to be one now.  This is maddening to me.  Hell, 97.1 has a FF expert (Tito!) and he has his own radio show and rankings.  Why?  Why are their rankings at all?  This is a waste of time and--news flush--these losers can't predict the future so why are you buying into their rankings at all?  You shouldn't need Akbar the NFL Network Terrorist to yell at you that you should play all players going against the Jags.
*I will say that The League is getting better.  Others may disagree and a lot of the characters are d-bags, but I still find it to be a solid situational comedy (or "sitcom")
*I also like Fantasy Football Now on ESPN2.  They don't fuck around.  You get injury updates and possible waiver guys.  That's all I need.  Now stop showing me matchups from the ESPN NFL League.  I do not care if Ed Werder stuck it to Mort last week.
*Holy shit is this market over-saturated.  I was walking the dog and baby on Sunday evening and all I wanted was to listen to NFL updates.  Instead I got some weird fantasy football show on ESPN Radio in which Randy "Quee Quee" Scott (trashiest looking SportsCenter anchor ever) was wondering if he could trade Larry Fitzgerald next week since he finally scored.  This went more than one segment.  Tell me about the games being played.  Again, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.  Quee Quee also admitted to being a Raiders fan but picked the Chargers in his survivor pool so he was rooting against his team.  These were topics going on instead of discussing anything about the very good Cowboys/Seahawks game.

It's just too much.  Like I said, having a bad season isn't helping but I feel like networks are focusing more on fantasy stats than the actual games being played.  And that is stupid.  I'm never going to quit playing but I am going to starting distancing myself from FF for the rest of the season.  Looking at my rosters, this should not be hard.  Maybe I can focus more on point spreads instead.  I don't know, we'll think of something.  Is this loser talk?  OH YEAH!  Do I give a fuck?  Absolutely not.  But I've always said that I would rather the Redskins be consistently good then for me to win anything in fantasy.  I stand by that.  My team will forever fail me though.

Either way, I am not ashamed to announce that fantasy baseball is the far superior game.  It actually takes skill and no fucking idiots are ever going to win a title in that.  So slow your roll, Fantasy Football, I will be back but I would prefer it if you were a lot less annoying.  ACleanPairOfShorts is still going to win the G$FL because we have a great name and logo.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

College Football Week 7


I wonder if Verizon has barf protection included in the factory warranty.



That picture...is of a Florida fan who had a very bad night.  This moment was captured at half time, by the way.  He's probably still trying to piece the night together three days later.  I was one of about 30 people cementing this moment in time.  In non football related news, Wheelz and I watched Gone Girl. It's a pretty decent flick and worth the watch...especially if you would like to know what Ben Affleck and Neil Patrick Harris' dongs look like.  Ide probably already has them as his screen saver on his laptop.  If he even has a laptop.  He's probably too trendy and hip for something so mainstream.  Let's football.

Michigan vs. Penn State

Nice to see Michigan end its spiral out of control into the fiery depths of hell led by Brady "The Fudge King" Hoke.  So that's what a Big 10 win looks like!  Seriously...what a fucking ugly ass game.  There isn't really anything worth mentioning in this game other than Michigan won.  Moving on.

Todd Gurley

I'll say again...there is nothing better than the block head athlete.  There's no doubt in my mind Gurley took money for his Herbie Hancock.  Now we can argue whether or not AFFLETES should be compensated for their autographs or likeness until our dicks are purple.  But it doesn't change the fact that it currently happens to be an NCAA violation and Gurley knows that.  At least he should or he's more dense than I thought.  Sounds like Toddwick is most likely done for the year if you listen to what Fox Sports is reporting.  Whatever.  He'll probably leave for the NFL and still be the first running back off the board so NBD.  Right?  Hope it was worth it, shit brick.

Georgia vs. Missouri

Matty Mauk sucks more than his stupid kid name.  Matty.  Are you fucking five?  He looks like a trashier version of Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Good news for Georgia is they didn't seem to miss Todd Gurley.  Chubb started slow but ended up having a pretty decent afternoon.  His YPC wasn't anything to get nude and flop your dick to but he kept the defense honest enough to open things up for Hutson Mason.  Who knows how good Missouri is (I don't think they're that good) but beating the piss out of a ranked SEC divisional opponent without your best player has to feel really good.  Georgia should cruise until Auburn.

University of Florida

Okay.  Something smells like rotten sexually assaulted pussy here.  All of a sudden Treon Harris goes from sexual attacker to sympathetic victim??  This is a really bizarre situation and this accuser chick is either a complete fucking mental case or Florida is doing their best attempt at a Jameis Winston-esq cover up.  Honestly it could be a combination of both.  Anything to keep Jeff Driskel and Skyler Mornhinweg off the field, right?  And if Harris was cleared of all wrong doing...why didn't he suit up against LSU?  I don't know.  It just seems odd.  Speaking of sexual assault cover ups...

Jameis Winston

Speaking of Captain Rape-Escape...this cat is the best in the worst possible way.  This rape case just will not go away for Winston.  And it probably shouldn't.  I stand by my original statement that he probably raped that girl and got away with it so I'm glad this isn't getting buried.  The fact that Winston seems literally unfazed by ANY of this is just astounding.  He either has no idea how serious this is or thinks he is completely untouchable.  One thing I would put money on is that all the white Heisman trophy winners from the 70's and earlier have dropped more N bombs this week than they have in their entire lives.  That entire fraternity has to just fucking loathe the fact that Winston is a part of their group.  Who would have thought that Winston could be more hated than O.J.?

**UPDATE**  Now Florida State is investigating Winston taking money for signing autographs.  This guy is absolutely incredible.  And let's not ignore Jimbo Fisher vehemently defending Winston at every single turn.  He's making himself look like a real fucking shit heel and is defending the type of guy that can ruin reputations.  I know that's Fisher's quarterback and all but he is really taking a leap of faith with a guy who is constantly fucking up.

Auburn vs. Mississippi State

Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers.  Eight of those bitches.  For awhile it looked like no one wanted to win this game.  This probably means Dak Prescott will be leading the Heisman board next week, right?  The black Tim Tenor.  Take home that trophy to a bunch of racist fans that would hate you if you weren't awesome at football.  I don't have a problem with Mississippi State leaping FSU for the number one spot but they wouldn't be my pick for #1.

TCU vs. Baylor

Hey there points!  Hope you gamblers took the over on this one.  There aren't many teams in the country that can successfully give up a 24 point lead in the 4th quarter.  TCU can proudly add themselves to that very very short list.  I don't have a huge problem with TCU going for it on 4th with a little more than a minute left in the game.  I get it...the TCU defense was a leaky ass with hangover runs.  But that play call was fuckin duuuuuuumb.  Somewhere Casey Pachall was shaking his head in disgust in between blowing strangers for heroin money.

Oregon vs. UCLA

That should take care of that whole UCLA being ranked thing.  Remember how idiots thought UCLA was a sleeper playoff team?  Stupid idiots.  Here was the best part about this rectal hollowing:


"Hush little baby don't say a word.  Mora's gonna buy you a Bruin turd."

Notre Dame vs. North Carolina

Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Ole Miss vs. Texas A&M

I think Ole Miss is the best team in college football.  Good call, Damman.  Lou Holtsshhhh seems to think Mississippi State gets that honor.  He also probably drinks ginger ale on purpose so what the fuck does he know?  Bo Wallace is putting together quite the resume to completely fool NFL scouts with.  He'll be four picking his way into getting his NFL coach fired in no time.  Meanwhile...the shine is starting to come off Kenny Hill and it appears he may be *gasp* OVERRATED.

Arizona vs. USC

Let that be a lesson to everyone.  Never put a RichRod coached team in the top 10.  They're just keeping a spot warm for someone else.  The only way Arizona goes undefeated is if they play Oregon every week.  FACT.  And nice fake fall on the blown kick at the end by Skowron.  Fucking loser bitch kicker.  Not even Mike Carey is buying that pathetic attempt at a bullshit flag.

A little better effort today since my college football Saturday wasn't taken from me.  The Ohio Buckeyes were on a bye this week but I'm sure that won't prevent them from being jiz soaked butt pipers in the comments.  It's what they do best.  That's it today.  Fuck off.