Tuesday, September 30, 2014

College Football Week 5.

Replace "Michael Sam" with "Ide".


I'll admit I didn't watch this game.  By the time I was bored with the Redskins letting the kid who eats paste dissect their defense, I was about ready for bed since these Thursday night games have been fucking snoozers.  Also the 10pm west coast games are hard to stay up for.  So I got caught up on The Strain and passed out instead.  ELITE show, BTW.  I'm still not buying UCLA even after this thrashing.  It's not like ASU has ever been known for their defense so I just see this as something the Bruins should have done.

Todd Gurley

He's the best running back in college football.  Period.  Anyone who disagrees should be force fed baked turd patties.  Baked because I'm concerned for your health.  Speaking of turds...Peyton Manning looked like a 65 year old retired golfer on the Tennessee sideline Saturday.  I don't think he could have looked any dorkier if he tried.  Man...Georgia is at least entertaining, aren't they?  Todd Gurley puts Georgia ahead...then Georgia's defense lets the opposition go right back down the field.  I can't imagine how stressful being a Georgia fan this year has to be.

Michigan vs. Minnesota

Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah, Minnesota!  Blow us out!  /takes a swig of Wild Turkey from the bottle.  Fire Hoke.  Fire Brandon.  Let's address the elephant in the room here.  That promotion that the University had with Coke was a flat out embarrassment.  The back tracking was even more pathetic.  Hope Solo's mangled crotch beef had a better look/public reaction.  So take your jabs because anything you say here isn't original or clever.  Now the game:
Shane Morris failed miserably Saturday.  I can't remember a QB being worse with more on the line, as a matter of fact.  I haven't seen football this bad since the DickRod days now that I think about it.  I know Morris was playing hurt and I admire the balls for pushing through that but it's not like he was playing well pre injury.  He was rat shit well before getting hurt.  Honestly we could be the worst team in the Big Ten.  While Michigan was getting dominated in every facet of the game, the announcers were STILL saying that they didn't think Hoke should be fired.  Well...before Hoke decided to put a guy back in who couldn't tell you what planet he was on, anyway.  Go die in a fucking tar pit, idiot announcers.

Brady Hoke

Oh boy.  People will let a lot of shit slide when it comes to football.  You can be a dick.  You can be hard to work with.  You can break contracts by faking heart attacks.  You can even be a degenerate asshole that purposely tosses criminals and drug addicts in uniforms just to win games.  But putting a kid's life in danger by playing him while concussed?  Bad.  Real bad.  That's a good way to make sure you never coach again.  All jokes aside, this is completely negligent and the fact Hoke is claiming he didn't know/think Morris was concussed is shameful and insulting.  Morris had to be stabilized by a team mate after getting jacked in the chin for fuck sake.  You can't look parents in the eye on recruiting trips anymore and promise you will look over their children after a disaster like that.  No one will believe you again ever.  And they shouldn't.  Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if Hoke is unemployed before this officially posts.  Hoke at Michigan just keeps getting uglier and uglier.  SMDH.

*Monday Update:

As of 10PM Monday Hoke is still employed at Michigan but things just continue to spiral out of control.  Hoke addressed the media about Morris' injury and made no mention of a concussion or possible concussion.  He was bluntly asked and boy was it bad.


Bonus points to Dave Brandon for being a huge pussy by darting into the shadows and tossing his boy out to the media wolves alone.  Not saying that I feel bad for Hoke, but this is Brandon's guy and he should be up there getting filleted as well.  The fallout from that game and how poorly everything was handled with Morris is already brutal as at least one 4-star recruit as already decommitted from Michigan.  Word is at least 3 other commits have decided to take official visits to other schools.  Who knows how many more this week.  Someone needs to stop the hemorrhaging.

Florida St. vs. NC State

For a second FSU was getting a dose of the ol' rapey cock from NC State.  Then FSU realized they were better and pulled away very very late.  Jacoby Brissett had himself one hell of a game...then died in the red zone late in the 4th quarter.  He looked dead, anyway.  I bet the Gators wish they still had this cat over Jeff DriscLOL.  Speaking of LOL...Florida State's defense.

Ohio vs. Cincinnati

Anthony Schlegel.  Still got it.  I was hoping for a sack celebration dance after body slamming that Ohio Buckeye turd sucking fan through the turf.  So Cincy got blown out.  Big deal.  Drew still likes to snort dick skin like cocaine and openly begs to get fucked by rolling pins.  If not for Cakes he would be the most annoying cock face on Twitter.  FACT.  That award on Facebook, however, easily goes to Ide and it isn't close.  He probably jacks his little vanilla twizzler to all the "hilarious" posts he puts on my wall.  Apparently New York is super exciting since he's trolling my Facebook wall constantly.  His Facebook antics probably get quite the spirited chuckle from his celebrity pals in the VIP room while drinking $1500 a bottle champagne that was made in a Snow Leopard's womb.

Nebraska's uniforms

Just sick.  Dirty as fuck.  I've never really been one to get boned up about uniforms but these were pretty awesome.  Bo Pelini doing the uniform reveal, on the other hand, was all the LULZ.

Notre Dame vs. Syracuse

Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Missouri vs. South Carolina

Man.  South Carolina just can't seem to get out of their own way.  It's funny though because Spurrier seems like a real Grade A dick nose.  I was good and shit faced while this game was going on so I really can't tell you a whole lot about it.  Drinking an entire bottle of rum tends to make your brain not remember stuff.  All I know is that there were ELITE Michael Sam signs a plenty on the Game Day set.  Honestly...what the fuck did they think was going to happen?  You're just setting it up on a fucking tee for these drunk college assholes to slam it out of the park.  A gay guy's former team playing against a team called the Cocks is about as no brainer as it gets.  They HAD to know these signs were coming out by the millions.

That'll be it today.  We can also kick around Charlie Weis fired/fat jokes today if you care to.  Weis was shit canned from Kansas over the weekend like they think they can get better than Charlie the Hutt.  Not saying that Weis was good...because he isn't...but I don't know who else they think they're getting that will be better.  It's fucking Kansas football.  Ohio Buckeye fans should be pretty big cock sucks today.  Wait...that's every Tuesday.  Fire Hoke.  Fire Brandon.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Worst of Week Four Vol.VIII

We normally save the college football talk for Tuesdays but it's always open season to rip on the band and thus we will start the week off right.  I don't care how "good" you are and what performances you do, marching bands are fucking stupid.  They always have been and they always will be.  If you hilariously remember, Ohio Buckeyes band director, John "Pat Fenis" Waters was fired a few months back after that LULZ list of band member shitheadery was released to the public.  No one worth a damn has thought about this since but Waters is fighting his ass off to regain whatever reputation he once had among the nerds who enjoy a good tuba solo.  He won't go away.  He is suing the school now for his old job back and a million dollars (for mental anguish or some dumb shit) saying that the allegations that led to his dismissal are nothing but #IdeLies.  That those same lies have been invited to big time Hollywood agent lunches and the New York Film Festival.  Dear John Waters, GIVE IT A REST.  Go away.  This is just sad.  Everyone else has moved on but you, dweeb.  You aren't getting your job back.  Why would you want it anyway?  It would never go back to normal.  Go somewhere else to watch dorks shove flutes inside other greater than or equal to dorks.  Normal people don't support annoying people.  You are being annoying.  GTFO.  Captain Dildo 4 Life.  Let's talk some football.

Some of our alma maters - Yikes.  The 4-0 NapCats hosted Perrysburg on Friday for the annual Homecoming game.  They were down 38-0 at halftime.  What bothers me most is that the coaches agreed to a second half RUNNING CLOCK.  Fuck that.  Have some pride.  Take your beating like men.  This is pussy ass coward shit.  Would Snoad have called for a running clock?  No, BRAH, he would have run more 30/31 traps (check with me).  On the other hand, perennial state championship contender in division 1 and Ide's school, Davidson, were defeated at home by the school behind my house, Central Crossing.  The Comets won in OT 21-20 and thus moved their record on the season to 3-2.  I should add that these three wins TIES A SCHOOL RECORD FOR WINS IN A SEASON.  THREE!  And they beat Ide!  AT Ide!  Bad weekend for high school football.

The Redskins - I don't even know, bruh.  The best part of last week was how bad South Park ripped us on Wednesday night.  I'm at the point that I might want the name changed.  THAT is how bad Thursday was.  It might be time to turn the franchise over to Colt McCoy.  We suck.  At everything but being bad.  If you loved that Giants game then prepare yourselves from a week from tonight when we host the Seahawks on MNF.  That should be a gas.

Antonio Brown - Dude had a monster game in the HOME LOSS TO LOVIE SMITH, but if he doesn't drop that easy flea flicker touchdown then they win.  That's on you, bruh.  Also, you know that you can't go to the ground on your TD celebrations without a penalty so don't do it.  Every wide receiver is an awful diva.

Mike Tomlin - I watch the Fox pregame show because I hate myself and want to die so I caught the Tomlin piece with Laura Okmin (I'm into her).  He said that he was offended by the term "player's coach" and that he thinks it is racial.  He then called Bleau LeDick an old white guy.  It was really bizarre and everyone in the studio unanimously agreed that he was being dumb.  When Terry Bradshaw considers you to be stupid, then you are definitely stupid.

Jay Catler - Fuck if I know.  The Bears are an enigma.  2 losses at home and 2 wins on the road.  Never bet on the Bears.  Except for maybe the over...they can't stop anyone.

EJ Manuel - This kid is awful.

The Colts Defense - SANKEY!  SANKEY!  SANKEY!  You can put him on the booooooooard...YES!  Tennessee is God awful and Andrew The Amish Goblin is annoyingly ELITE at offensive football.

Jerry Richardson - I never understood why the Panthers absolutely had to let Steve Smiff SENIOR go.  They couldn't give him a 2 year/10 million dollar deal to let him retire in Carolina?  He wouldn't look incredible next to Kevin Benjamin?  That was dumb and Smiff got his revenge.  And then some.  FYI, Joe Flacco is ELITE.

Calvin Johnson - Bro, you're either injured of you're hurt.  Pick one.  Don't play two series and then call it a day. Either Play60 or don't go at all.  Geno Smith sucks and dropped a hilarious F-bomb after the game.

Donkey Kong Suh - It sounds like the big fella already has one foot out the door and will leave via free agency after the season.  The team seems to have accepted this fate as well.  Lions fans, you cool with this?  I doubt that I would be.

London - The NFL just loves giving them the worst possible games.  It's our chief export.

Rookie QBs - Derek Carr lost his Heisman overseas when he was bad and then got hurt. Johnny Football was back in college where people actually think that he can play football.  Blake Bortles was pretty shitty in the second half in San Diego (Chargers = still legit).  And Teddy Bridgewater's chicken legs were fantastic...until he got a random ankle injury and had to be carted off.  It was a shame, too, because Teddy was GREAT.  The Falcons are ridiculously mediocre.

Chip Kelly - Nice offense, FAGGOT!  ZERO POINTS for Mr. No Tacos.  In case you're new here (LOL at having new readers), I hate the NFL version of Chip Kelly.  This "genius" tag that he has been given way too prematurely is absurd.  His offense just got punked by an average at best defense.  2 plays from the 1?  Let's have our grossly incompetent QB launch two shitty turd balls out of the endzone! I'll give Chipper a little credit though--his team should probably be 0-4 right now.  The luck is coming to an end, Senor Smoothie.  FUCK YOU, ACE!

The 49ers - Christ, you couldn't even put away a team that didn't play offense.  Greg Roman's play-calling was best described as "vaginal".

FANTASY - Feels like another 2-2 week.  I'm getting sick and fucking tired of getting Amish-raped by Andy Luck.  Did Seal enjoy my ELITE MSFL backfield of Asiata and Gerhart???  LOLOLOLOLOLZ!

So the baseball season has come to an end.  Derek Jeter is officially retired and now, without further ado, I can finally say...WELCOME BACK, A-ROD!!!  Oh man, his retirement tour around the league is going to be legendary.  More Michigan buffoonery tomorrow, I'm sure. 

Friday, September 26, 2014

Open Forum: Cold Cuts...RANKED!

I'm kind of surprised that he isn't fatter.
Geico sucks and they don't get any of my business, but every once in a while, they do something ELITE.  Digging up the corpse of Ickey Woods is very, VERY ELITE.  They don't make celebrations like The Ickey Shuffle any more.  I have to admit that I don't get as excited about cold cuts as #30 does, but I do enjoy a trip to the deli department.  I am on the road back to Ohio today and I can GUARNSHEED that I have had my share of New York's finest meats the last two days.  So let's tie it all together and rank cold cuts/deli meats!

*We're just going bare bones here.  Yes, pepper turkey is incredible.  But we're going to use just regular turkey in the rankings.
*Don't be a shithead.  We're talking about lunch meat.  DEAL WITH IT.  I have 11 in my rankings.  I am aware that I left out a TON of other options.  Fuck you.

11. Bologna - So fucking gross.  Anyone ever been to that shithole in Waldo that apparently has the GOAT fried bologna sandwiches?  Fuck you if you have.  You are a sick bastard.
10. Olive Loaf - I don't even know what this is but it can't be worse than bologna.
9. Chicken Breast - Chicken isn't supposed to be deli sliced IMO.  It should be picked off the bone.
8. Ham - Not my style.  Fun FACT: 100% of all deli ham has a weird slime film on it.
7. Cappicola - Spicy ham!  Made the list because it is one of the meats on the legendary Hogan's Hero!
6. Turkey - Kroger only sells deep fried turkeys in the deli department now.  That helps explain my rock solid physique.
5. Sandwich Pepperoni - ELITE but it is a complimentary meat.  The only sandwich where pepperoni is the star is the Pizza Bozz.  I would love a few Pizza Bozz's thanks for asking!
4. Salami - Very good.
3. Corned Beef - Terrific.
2. Roast Beef - Great.
1. Pastrami - ELITE.  So fucking ELITE.  Put a little spicy mustard on that bitch and then rub it all over your erect body.

Great topic, G$!  Look out for all of the ham weirdos today.  They are probably gearing up for Tigers playoff baseball!  We can't head into the weekend without a little "glory", can we?

The MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 3-1!!!) is Bowling Green -7 @ UMass.  These book makers wants you to think about how bad the Badgers embarrassed the Falcons last week and not how great they were against Indiana.  The truth is that they are somewhere in the middle.  That middle is 14-20 points better than the Minutemen though.  I was also debating long and hard what to do about the RedHawks +4.5 at Buffalo.  Might be a decent Moneyline play but I'm not recommending it. 

See you on Monday...GOT ME SOME COLD CUTS!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Who is THE WORST: College Football Edition

I have nothing to add
The subject is very simple, really; give me a bottom ten list of the worst teams in college football the last five years. No, I'm not just talking about the teams with the worst record...even though that would give us a chance to give Miami of Oxford all the LULZ. This list should factor in expectations, hype, recruiting, and whatever intangible thing you can think of.

Off the top of my head there is a BIG 3 that come to mind; Michigan, Florida and Texas. I am going total anti-Drew here and doing absolutely zero fact checking for this list. Leggo!

10. FAU- This is the one that fired Bo Pelini's brother for doing hookers and coke deals at the coaching offices, right? I'm pretty sure. I can't imagine this team has ever made it to a bowl game, and if they have it was hosted in Serbia. I'm sure FIU fits the same mold, though.

9. SMU Mustangs- Craig James killed 5 hookers. Never forget that, internet. I'm pretty sure that June Jones just quit sometime in the last two weeks...and I'm pretty sure he was coaching this team. The only good thing to come out of SMU in the last five years is Emmanuel Sanders, who is leading my team to MSFL glory. Also SMU stand for Southern Methodist University just in case you had any doubts about them being the worst.

8. UAB Blazers- University of Alabama Birmingham Blazers just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. I remember betting against this team a lot over the last two years. In fact, I bet against them last year when Southern Miss got their only victory of the last two years. FUCK! Southern Miss should totes be on this list. Oh well, we move forward. But never forget about Roddy White putting UAB on the map.

7. Kansas Jayhawks- CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA!!! How much does Charlie Weis make a year? It's gotta be over $3 mil, right? And that's just from Kansas. I believe Notre Dame is still paying that fat fuck handsomely for stalling out that program's return to glory even longer. So what you will about Charlie Weis(FAT FUCKING ASS HOLE), but he knows how to handle his bidness.

6. Eastern Michigan- They hired Mike Hart. That's the only good decision that program has made in the last 2 decades, including allowing Iceman to play sports there for however long that lasted. FUN FACT: When you google search Iceman's real name(This was the only fact-checking I did to confirm that it was actually EMU he attended) his Facebook alias comes up! WAY TO THROW EM OFF THE TRAIL, PAL!!! Also, I'm pretty sure Mike Hart is no longer there.

5. Miami of Oxford- This team is and always will be awful. Another FUN FACT: Since allowing Grump and G$ to attend school, the team has never won more than 4 games. I imagine when G$'s first born visits campus they will tar and feather her. (I didn't figure I needed to address how horrible the actual football program is).

4. Washington State- Remember when Michigan beat Ryan Leaf in that Rose Bowl #CHAMPIONSHIP? He played for Washington State. That program has been one giant steaming pile of Mastodon dung ever since. Even with a pirate captain Leach heading that program the last 5 years, they still can't get rid of that stench. BRING OUT THE POOPER SCOOPER!

3. Texas Longhorns- I'm convinced Mack Brown spent the last years of his tenure finding different places to hide in the showers while the players cleaned up after practice. Every time he is on TV talking about them he just can't help but talk about what great guys they are and how much he loves them. That's all well and good, but he Lloyd Carr'd that program. The average fan has no idea how many craters Mack left in that program for Strong to it out of. But as a MICHIGAN MAN, I know how that goes all too well.

2. Michigan Wolverines- Well what do you know. It's time to talk about the Michigan Wolverines. I have so much to say about how terrible this program is...but I've said it a million times before and don't feeling like bashing your faces into it one more time. There last two coaching hires have been awful, for two totally different reasons. The fanbase is extremely bipolar in how they want the program to look and who they want running it. But the truth is all you have to do is win. Hoke went 11-2 with a BCS bowl victory in year 1. He was crowned the messiah by all the Ann Arbor faithful and that year was the turning point for Michigan Man Football. And boy was it. Getting incrementally worse for three years with no change is an exhaustively frustrating process to be put through as a fanbase. And I expect the fans to react by putting an end to the 40 year long streak of having 100,000 plus fans in the stadium for every home game. HAIL!

1. Florida Gators- How the fuck did this team only lose one game two years ago. It had to be the luckiest season ever. You don't just go from 12 to 4/5 victories because you're totes not a fluke. Muschamp just isn't fit for that job. I don't know exactly what it is, but just the way he squirms up there during pressers makes me pretty certain he was never meant for a gig like that. I know he was "in waiting" at Texas for awhile, and maybe that would have been a better fit for him, but he just doesn't seem like a guy who can run a big program. Somehow I like the trajectory of the Michigan program over Florida, and that's damn near fucking impossible. Also Urban Meyer totally bailed on that program because he was caught fucking a grad student.

So how #ELITE is this list? I have went back and did some fact-checking now and I must say I'm pleased with these results. I could have thrown in some other shit programs like Idaho, but I think this list maintains a nice balance of the truly awful like Miami OX and the painfully, chronic underachievers like Michigan. DEBATE!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Money Shot Says "Bye Jeets"

At some point this morning, I will be stuffed into a car with family members en route to New York City.  I am not looking forward to this commute.  I have a painful sinus infection and am still dealing with allergies.  But when EL CAPITAN takes his final bow, I must be there tomorrow night to hand him a bouquet of roses.  It does not appear that Jeter will be playing in the postseason or whatever the Windians played in last year which sucks.  Jeter is the greatest baseball to ever live and more of a man than anyone not named Dolph Lundgren.  Anyway, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night's final home game for #2 and even more pumped that I will be in Ide's backyard (he owns the entire eastern seaboard if you were unaware) and won't even bother reaching out to him.  I have his fantasy dues so his usefulness to me is non-existent.

While the Division Series matchups aren't set in stone yet, they are close enough for me to do a prediction post!  Making picks next Wednesday didn't seem cromulent so we're taking a leap of faith and doing them today.  DEAL WITH IT.

AL Play-In Game: Oakland over Kansas City.  I see both of these teams holding on.  The A's are a mess (Fuck you, Moneyball!) but Lester is better than Big Game James Shields.  "Big Game" is one of the best nicknames in all of sports by the way.
NL Play-In Game: San Francisco over Pittsburgh.  Good job "making the playoffs", Pirates and Royals.

ALDS: Los Angeles Angels over Oakland in 4.  Detroit over Baltimore in 5.  The A's spent all season proving that they can't beat Mike Trout.  That isn't going to change in October.  Tigers/O's could be really good.  OBVZ the Tigers have better pitching but Buck is so much of a better manager than Assmouth.

NLDS: Washington over San Francisco in 4.  Los Angeles over St. Louis in 4.  This is pretty simple.  The Nats were my preseason pick to win the pennant and Kershaw is better than Wainwright.

ALCS: Detroit over Los Angeles in 6.  God, do I hope I'm wrong.
NLCS: Washington over Los Angeles in 7.  Fuck you, LA! 

World Series: Washington over Detroit in 5.  FISTER'S REVENGE!!!  The Tigers deserve to get embarrassed in October (again) for fucking around all season long and letting losers hang (again).

Obviously, all of this will change when the Yankees win out behind the STREMPH of the Captain and then win another ring for The Captain but this is where we sit today.  I got some Nattitude!  RE2PECT.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

College Football Week 4

Good Gawd.

Well this was another great fucking week of college football, now wasn't it?  I did this post Saturday night because I left for Fort Myers early Sunday morning to drink until the announcement of Brady Hoke being fired was handed down (fingers crossed).  Hopefully I didn't miss it in between black outs.  So some of these late games I didn't stay up for, or didn't stay up for the entirety, since I don't care about you guys and I do this for free.  Lotta action to cover today.

Michigan vs. Utah

Fire Hoke.  Yet another shameful performance.  Gardner sucked (again), Funchess is playing hurt and all of a sudden Michigan can't run the ball.  On the Utah side Travis Wilson is lucky to be walking today.  I'm glad that kid is okay but...HOLY SHIT!!  Wilson was about as close as you can get to drinking his meals out of a straw for the rest of his life right before halftime.  Every last player on Michigan's defense should have gotten blown at some point Saturday night for keeping them in the game.  Well deserved for that performance.  The D started to break down some in the second half but what the fuck do you expect when the offense is 3 and out almost every fucking possession?  The only smart thing Hoke did all day was benching Gardner.  Then Morris was picked on his first series.  Bad, bad, bad.  I'm not sure I've ever been this embarrassed by Michigan football.  Fire Hoke.

Melvin Gordon III

What a fucking day by Gordon.  Joey Galloway tried to steal the spot light by being a complete dip shit but Gordon was just too good.  Honestly...is there anyone worse than Joey Galloway?  I would rather suck on a battery while getting fucked by a lawnmower blade than listen to Galloway talk about anything.  The military should use Galloway as a way to torture sensitive information out of POWs.  Just awful.

Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech

LOL.  Continues to be a quality loss to the 2-2 Fake Neck Hoakies, Ohio Buckeyes.  For all of the shit Buckeye fans give Michigan fans, they're a Cincy loss away from having the same exact record as the Wolverines.

Indiana vs. Missouri

A week ago Indiana loses to a BGSU team that just got their butts turned inside out by Wisconsin this week...and this week Indiana beat a ranked ESS EEE SEE team.  *sigh*  I don't know, man.  I'm sure Missouri will still end the year ranked and I'm sure Indiana will still finish in the bottom half of the Big 10.  Good win for the conference but this is your classic case of Indiana playing its best game on a day Missouri played one of its worst.  Cakes probably popped a dick vein on Saturday to the Big Ten beating the SEC.  Indiana doing something the Ohio Buckeyes can't.  Good for them.

Kenny Hill

So this guy might be pretty good, yeah?  Let the Kenny Football nicknames start flying since everyone needs a nickname and people are rarely original these days.

LSU vs. Mississippi St.

Get Lester the Molester a 5th of toilet water to wash away the sorrow.  Lesbihonest...LSU was never in this game and they were fortunate to get back in it in the 4th quarter.  Maybe Mississippi St. is the TRUF like some of our esteemed preseason panel thought.  Look for MSU to crack the top 20 this week.  Then look for Cakes to piss and moan about it.

Clemson vs. Florida St.

True American Heroes

I can't believe those two pioneers were kicked out of the Gameday set.  This game was highlighted by a plethora of outstanding sign creations before the kickoff even happened.  Even Ohio Buckeye fans can appreciate what was going on with this beaut...

Even though I love Mark May and how much Ohio fans want to watch him drown in a barrel of piss, I can't ignore the excellent trolling happening here.  On to the game.  Jameis Winston really is the best.  Dude walked onto the field in full pads to warm up like he really didn't think he was suspended.  Like FSU was gonna be like, "Just kidding...you can play."  LOL.  This guy may honestly have a mental deficiency.  So this Sean "Jerry" MaGuire guy got the start today and it was......turd soup.  Every time MaGuire stepped onto the field his eyes looked like he just walked in on his dad spraying a fat load on his mom's face porn style.  This one is going to hurt Clemson and their fans for awhile.  So many chances just pissed away.  FSU dodged a fucking bullet on this one.

That's it for today.  Plenty of games to talk about...especially if Oregon LOL'ed it up against Washington.  If you get time do yourself a favor and go read the ESPN article about Urban Meyer being depressed and mentally broken at Florida.  For all the dung Ohio fans give Michigan for Hoke, Ol' URBZ sure sounds like a guy I want coaching my team.  Someone who lets the pressure get to him so much where he feels like he's about to fucking die.  Not to mention he pretty much admitted to being a drug addict and an alcoholic.  LOL.  Great comedy piece by ESPN.  Fuck Notre Dam and fuck Larry in his stupid ass.

Monday, September 22, 2014

The Worst of Week Three Vol.VIII

Johnny Foreskin IMO
I don't know about the rest of you losers, but I'm sick and fucking tired of seeing John McEnroe pop up in commercials in 2014 to mock scream at some referee.  Dude bro, it has been 25 years since you've been an athlete and even at your best that schtick was old and tired and sad...GIVE IT A REST.  I don't know what Johnny Mac is promoting now  (some sort of cell service with Andy Roddick maybe?) but how about you become something more than "asshole from the 80's".  That will do it for my tennis coverage for the rest of the year.  Now where is Michael Chang with my War Su Gai???  Since I mentioned Roddick, I should also add Brooklyn Decker > Kate Upton forever.  FOREVER.  DEAL WITH IT.  So how about we discuss another banner week in the National Football League!

Roger Goodell - Well, that was certainly a horrible press conference on Friday afternoon. Good job trying to bury that heading into the weekend but you done fucked your shit up so bad that that was wishful thinking.  This just keeps getting worse and worse.  The ONLY way that this goes away is if Rog quits and he says that he won't so this isn't going to end any time soon. Strap yourselves in for more shit.

Howard Stern - Way to send one of your cronies in to that press conference to drop some negative LOLZ.  You aren't relevant anymore, Howie.  YOU are the pig vomit.

Josh McCown - Goodell should have apologized for putting Tampa Bay on in prime-time.  Who would have ever guessed that McCown's 2013 season was a total fluke other than everyone ever???

Terry Bradshaw - Look, son, you don't need your son-in-law to have a great pregame show!  But seriously, RIP Robby Bironas, you ended up on one my fantasy teams every year since 1972.  I love you forever bubba.

Danny Woodhead - In what is ten times worse than whatever Ray Rice did, Woodhead needing the cart almost immediately after the game started was heart breaking.  I love the Chargers.  That team is legit.  Not legit = Buffalo.  Good job getting the team to stay but your QB stinks.

Robert Quinn - I know that this cat is good but is he really worth 66 million over 4 years???  That seems like a lot.  Does he also play QB.  The Rams are hot dogshit.  That is one awful team.  They get less results than the Ferguson PD.  Topical!

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Did you know that he graduated from Harvard?  It's nice to see Arian Foster already being a bitch.  Who the fuck is Alfred Blue and congrats to all those tards that added him!  I'm sure that he was a real factorback.  The Texans started the season with WAS, @OAK, and @NYG...that is really fucking easy.

Drew Brees - What the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the Breesus Days of Yore?  He is simply pedestrian now.  I do not care for this.  I'll blame Sean Payton.   Also, the Vikings suck pig balls.

Not South Park- Oh baby, the season premiere on Wednesday night deals with Dan Snyder and his love of Native Americans.  That should be ELITE.

The Bengals IMO - I look pretty stupid for thinking that they would underachieve this season.  They look incredible through three weeks.  Andy Dalton is catching touchdown passes.  Jeremy Hill hasn't sexually assaulted anyone.  It's crazy.  Hell, even Mike Brown is being a human being with feelings by treating Devon Still like his son.  The Bengals in 2014 are a model franchise.  Was not expecting to ever admit that.

Johnny Football - HA!  THEY TRIED TO RUN "SIDELINE PLAY"!!!  WE RAN THAT SHIT TO PERFECTION IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!  There is nothing more Mickey Mouse than Sideline Play.

Joe Haden and Justin Gilbert and Slick Willie Cundiff - Those are your goats, folks!  What a hilarious home loss that was.  Just a complete choke which can be expected when you go against Big Joe ELITE.  Those "shutdown cornerbacks" are more like shitdown corners.  Serpentini should fire Haden.

Cakes - STOP IT.  Can we make a deal amongst our community of assholes?  You can't tweet more than 5 times during your team's games.  You aren't a beat reporter.  No one is reading your thoughts other than people who barely tolerate you.  Make a few funny quips and watch the fucking game.  I don't need to read about the "buzz at the stadium".  How the fuck do you know this?  A fucking tool once queefed, GIVE IT A REST, and it applies to everyone socially.


Aaron Rodgers and Used To Be More Fat Stafford - Hey jerks, that was supposed to be a shootout.  For fuck's sake, the Lions Defense outscored Green Bay.  The Packers stink.  They could easily be 0-3 and probably should be if the Jets weren't stupid.

Andrew Luck - STOP THROWING THE BALL TO AHMAD BRADSHAW. Christ, Wayne and Hilton have a combined zero scores this year and Mr. IR has 3 receiving touchdowns.  Knock that shit off.  Goddamn Cakes guy.

Non-Pollacks - You probably saw that every point scored in the dreadful OAK/NE game was by a guy with the suffix -owski.  That's dumb.  It might be time to take Tom Brady out back and put a bullet between his eyes.  Dude looks a LOT like "final year Dan Marino" and that is not a compliment.

Jim HarBRAH - Yeah, he's already mentally in Ann Arbor.  That's the worst kept secret at this site.  Since he can't beat Drew Stanton in the pros LOL, maybe he can stomp on his alma mater instead?  Colin Kaepernick looks terrible, too.  I should also mention that Larry Fitzgerald is a corpse.

Miami Dolphins - They blow.  They should be trying to get into the Jameis derby.  He would fit in well down there.  He could take Richie Incognito's old locker.

Peyton Manning - Yeah, the comeback was quite ELITE but he was so bad for the first three and a half quarters.  SO BAD.  That arm STREMPH was Pennington-esque.  What I'm trying to say here is that Eli beat a rugged 2-0 team yesterday while Outlaw Country choked again.  FACT.  In all honesty though, the Broncos D looked pretty good or the Seahawks just assumed that 17 points would be enough.  It almost was.  The funny thing is that Seattle knows that Denver can not beat them.

DeAngelo Hall - The 2012 Best Player in the NFL said that he tore his Achilles yesterday.  God speed, you stud.

Brandon Merriweather - My God, he was fucking abysmal.  Every garbage fluke touchdown that piece of shit Foles threw was a result of The Concussion King getting roasted and toasted.  BM are very fitting initials.

That was fun though - Man, those two teams HATE each other.  I like that.  I like DeSean getting some amount of revenge.  I like Eagles fans booing for reasons that they will never be able to explain.  I mean, seriously, it wasn't HIS decision to leave.  I LOVED Chris Baker fucking murdering Foles on that interception that wasn't.  Why the fuck is that a penalty anyway?  He was five yards away from a DB trying to score.  It looked to me like he was interested in making a tackle.  So he should pay the punishment for not having his head on a swivel.  I liked Jason Peters throwing a punch back.  And the game was great.  Cousins and Foles just going back and forth.  Those teams looked pretty equal to me.  The Eagles are just a little cleaner with the fundamentals.  That's fine.  The Skins--with Cousins--look like a playoff contender to me.  We'll see what they do Thursday when ELITE Manning comes to DC.

FANTASY! - Looks like a 2-2 week for this guy.  How I'm 2-1 in the LFL is a mystery but I'll take it.  Goddamn, Adrian Peterson has thrown a wrench into a lot of my fantasy plans this year.  We're relying on hard work and grit in 2014 and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Fuck you, Cakes and Ide.  Go tweet black dick pics to each other.  I'm sure that your collections are massive anyway.

That will do it for me today.  I started this on Saturday evening because I am a stud with an amazing social calendar and Iceman was already plugging away with tomorrow's FUCK YOU HOKE post.  I didn't read it but I assume that it will be a doozy.  Stay tuned, bruh.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Jameis Winston Might Be Simple Jack

The other day, Florida State announced that Heisman Trophy winner, Jameis Winston, would miss the first half of tomorrow's game vs. the Clemson Jeffs.  He will be "suspended" for being really hip and edgy and cool by yelling "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY" in the middle of a student center or some such place where screaming that is wildly unacceptable.  Oh man, if you've watched any sort of sports programming or listened to the radio over the last 48 hours, the hot takes are plentiful.

Paul Finebaum put down his meal of freshly picked boogers to demand a multiple game suspension.  The College Football Live guys want at least one game.  Don't even ask what Cowherd wants.  Hell, Kiper moved him from #4 to #25 on his 2015 Big Board!  And this is all because he took some mildly popular meme from The World Cup and still thought that it was funny.

Let's be honest: this is so stupid.  Winston is guilty of being a dork over anything.  But at the same time, bro, you are still being investigated for rape, got busted for stealing crustaceans, and other stupid things that are easily avoidable.  Maybe making a rape joke isn't the best idea...especially on a campus that was founded on rape (seems likely).  I'm OK with the one half suspension actually.  He is dumb.  That's all.  Mentally, Jameis is a third grader.

That said, I'm calling my shot and the Noles are well past due.  Dabo Swinney will leave Tallahassee tomorrow night as a victor and the nation's longest winning streak comes to an end.  And the only thing that matters here is "if Jameis went to Ohio State, the NCAA would move here and try to dig up we are a fucking stupid people and please keep calling us Ohio because we hate it and can't let obvious trolling go ever...its why we always yell at the TV when Mark May is on even though it is exactly what he wants...where were we...oh yeah, everyone is jealous of us even if that is wildly untrue O-H!"  I captured the essence of Ohio there quite well.  The only victims ever are Ohio Buckeye fans.

Another bold prediction for this weekend is that the CBJ and Ryan Johansen agree to a contract at some point.  It's time to end this, RyJo.  Put your asshole agent in his place and get to camp.  Go HAM for two years and then break the bank.

For gambling advice, I really like tomorrow's Indiana/Missour-ah game going over 71.  That's a lot of points, I know, but those offenses are great while the defenses are shit.  Missouri has struggled post-homo.

The MAC Glory Hole of the Week (2-1, son!) is Marshall -9.5 @ Akron.  Jesus, the Herd have played the RedHawks, Ohio #2, and now Akron?  Even Gene Smiff doesn't schedule that easily.  I don't know if they were thinking possible playoff birth but not with that non-con.  That said, they should handle the Zips easily.  I also like Ball State +14 @ Toledo.  The Rockets are already in a free-fall and I like the Cards to come back focused after getting punked by Indiana State last week.

That's it for us this week.  Let's all reconvene on Monday with stories about beating toddlers and their immediate reactions.  This could be a fantastic case study.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Gather 'round Children; I'm Boutsta Whoop Dat Ass

The only kind of spanking condoned by The Money Shot
The NFL just won't stop giving us storylines. Domestic Violence, Drug Policy, Roger Goodell being ousted, Dan Snyder supporting Goodell...trying to give him the kiss of death, and more Domestic Violence. But today we are going to go down the path that Adrian Peterson has so gracefully paved for us.

Child Abuse. It's a pretty simple term that can mean a million different things; neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse(No, I'm not making that up). So lets look at the legal definition:
 At a minimum, any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or
caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.
 Now lets checkout Mr. Paterson's actions,
THROW THAT MOTHER FUCKER UNDER THE JAIL! These marks were left after nearly two weeks had passed. I understand due process and know that a warrant was put out for Peterson and he had to pay bail, but let some other single black guy in Texas beat the shit out of his kid with a stick and I bet he doesn't get to roam free for four days, let alone four months. You can't just go around assaulting children.

Do I think Adrian Peterson is a bad guy? Yes. I honestly do. The more that comes out about this guy the worse that he looks. He has at least 7 kids by 5 different women, he's been accused of child abuse before(with photographic evidence) and he's a huge fucking moron. You don't beat on 4 year olds and call yourself a loving dad, let alone a decent human being. 

And all I can think about is can you imagine if there was video of this? Looking at all the marks on that kid, I would say he got hit at least 25 times. Imagine a video where Adrian Peterson is seen snatching his son up, pulling his sons' pants down, snapping off a tree branch and taking up to 30 swipes at his sons bare ass. Not only would his career be over, he would spend years in jail. I'm glad that at least the pictures have surfaced so everybody can see the damage that he inflicted, but a video would completely bury him. Even some pictures of the wounds shortly after the incident might be enough. But I'm not sure that's how it will play out now, no matter what the Vikings do over the next couple weeks.

Even worse, Peterson doesn't think he did anything wrong. He is downright prideful that he beat his kid so bad that it left lacerations on a 4 year olds ass, sack, and legs, not to mention the defensive wounds on the arms and hands. Here is what his kid had to say about the incident;
According to police reports, the child, however, had a slightly different story, telling authorities that “Daddy Peterson hit me on my face.” The child also expressed worry that Peterson would punch him in the face if the child reported the incident to authorities. He also said that he had been hit by a belt and that “there are a lot of belts in Daddy’s closet.” He added that Peterson put leaves in his mouth when he was being hit with the switch while his pants were down. The child told his mother that Peterson “likes belts and switches” and “has a whooping room."
That's his own fucking son! He probably sees his kid for two or three weeks out of the year and the image that kid has of him is some terrifying man who beats him and shoves dirt in his mouth but buys him nice things. What a piece of shit.

I can count on one hand the number of times I received any sort of physical punishment as a kid, but there is one time that will be etched in my mind forever. Ol' Mr. Ace slapped me right across the face. I was in 3rd grade and he slapped me over a pop can. He told me to take it downstairs. I said no, because it wasn't mine. He slapped me. It was that simple. I wasn't hurt and it didn't leave a mark, but it shocked me to my core...and my dad knew it the moment after he did it. There isn't an action that he regrets more than what he did that day. He didn't defend what he did by saying that's how he was raised. He didn't talk about setting a tone of not talking back or acting right. He was embarrassed and wasn't sure whether or not I would be afraid of him for the rest of my life and that terrified him.

I work with abused kids for a living. I am often put in positions where I have to put my hands on kids to insure their safety and the safety of others around them. I fucking hate doing it. Having an adult put their hands on them takes them right back to the abusive events they experience at home. I see that confusion, fear and pain play out on a daily basis and that's with 4th graders, not 4 year olds. I can't imagine being the cause of that type of anguish to my own son or daughter...of any child for that matter. If you can't raise your kid without putting your hands on them then that means you are too stupid to explain right from wrong to a toddler. Just think about that. You are so incapable of using words and logic that you feel it necessary to physically bully a child into accepting whatever it is you are saying is right or wrong. If that's too difficult for you to understand please cut off your penis or rip out your uterus now.

What Adrian Peterson did has nothing to do with corporal punishment or parenting style. It has everything to do with him being criminally abusive towards his son without an ounce of remorse as he smiles in our face.

Thanks. This has been another PSAce.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Open Forum: TV Channels

As I said the other day, I'm on vacation this week.  These were use it or lose it days so I get a week of doing absolutely nothing AKA heaven.  Needless to say, the remote control is getting a workout.  Anyway, it feels like every few months, She$ will yell at me because the cable went up.  Now this is not my fault at all.  Cable companies are assholes.  But I have to hear about it anyway.

At some point in the future, a la carte cable will become a reality.  It makes sense.  Us poor saps get stuck having to pay for a ton of shit that we don't even consider watching.  Some day, we will be able to pay for what we want to watch.  And that is going to serve as the transition for today's TV post...you get 5 channels on G$'s a la carte cable system.  What are you choosing?

A couple of rules:
1. You have to take one (and one only) network channel
2. One of your choices is automatically ESPN.  So you get 4 channels instead of 5.  DEAL WITH IT.
3. You don't get pick to the streaming options.  Fuck off, Ide.
4. You get one "caveat".  I'll explain that when I get there.  So what are my Five Channels...

ESPN - I already told you that.  Even if you hate SportsCenter and all of the nonsense, at least you get PTI and Gameday and Monday Night Football.  That's big.

CBS - This is my network pick.  ABC and NBC were not even considered.  It always came down to CBS vs. Fox.  Both networks have the NFL which is great.  But I chose CBS over Fox because I'll take The Masters and March Madness over the World Series.  I also LOVE CBS's holy trinity reality shows (Survivor, Big Bruh, and Amazing Race).  Brooklyn Nine Nine just couldn't match.  I watch none of CBS's "comedies" and dramas and never will.  Basically, I picked Jim Nantz over Joe Buck.  That was a tough call.

FX/FXX - FX has the best shows and I'm sliding FXX in there as my caveat.  For the purpose of having an ELITE channel, FXX was absorbed by FX.

HBO - It was either this or AMC and it came down to me trusting the people at HBO more.  AMC has been awful recently and not even The Walking Dead can save it.  With HBO, I've still got GoT as well as movies and Louis CK specials.

Fox Sports Ohio - My final pick is an easy choice.  Yes, I'll take the network that gives me every Cavs and CBJ game. 

I think that I could live a comfortable, lazy life with these five channels.  And, one day, it will be a reality that I could have that for $40 a month or whatever.  CARRY THE FLAG!  List yours.

We can also use today as a Fall TV Preview.  I'm not really looking to add anything new to the season pass but that Gotham show looks interesting simply because of Donal Logue.  What doesn't look good is Blackish.  Nice fucking title.  So let's spend today away from sports and on television.  200 channels and nothing but cats indeed.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

College Football Week 3

2014 Internet winner.

There were quite a few stinky games on the schedule this week so let's see if I can squeeze a full post out of what we had.  And again...hats off to whoever was responsible for the lead picture today.  That, is a thing of fucking beauty and you, sir deserve 40 blow jobs from 40 virgins.

Michigan vs. Miami (OH)

So much to say about this game.  First of all...embarrassing performance.  This Miami team hasn't won in now, 19 games, and Michigan let them hang around for 3 full quarters.  Pathetic.  Second...Gardner is not a good quarterback.  We all know this but somehow Brady Hoke hasn't absorbed this pretty simple concept.  During the broadcast I heard Marcus Ray say Gardner was known for being "very accurate".  Exactly fucking how did you come to that conclusion?  He's not the first person to say that either.  I guess that opens the door for me to make wildly untrue claims with no evidence to back it up.  My farts smell like Jell-O!  And I once uppercutted a grizzly bear!  Third...Michigan is a different team without Funchess on the field.  And the way he was walking on the sideline Saturday makes me think that injury is pretty severe.  If that's the case then this team is winning 7 games tops.  On the positive side of things, the run defense looks wicked and the offensive line continues to improve.

As far as the whole head set thing goes since it continues to be a topic of discussion, I really don't give a fuck one way or another.  Wear one or don't.  I really don't think it makes that big of a difference if you choose not to wear a head set.  But either wear one or don't.  Stick with whatever you choose.  Hoke looks so fucking incompetent when he chooses to not wear a head set but then throws one on the minute danger is on the horizon.  Hoke just continues to dig a hole he probably can't get himself out of. I really don't see him lasting past this season.

Ohio vs. Kent St.

This went about as predicted.  You just had that feeling that Kent St. was going to get every last ounce of anger and frustration left over from that Virginia Tech game.  And boy, did they.  KSU is probably still walking funny today after that anal destruction.  The one thing I found odd about this game is when the announcers decided to tell everyone about the football player from Kent St. that died.  You know...deep in the 3rd quarter when most of the nation had already turned the channel.  Hey nobody!  Let us tell you about this dead guy!  I thought that would have been mentioned right away before the prison rape commenced.

Big Ten

Again.  Yucky.  It was capped off by Indiana losing to my alma mater, BGSU...with BGSU playing their backup quarterback.  I wonder how many freshmen girls contracted an STD that night while celebrating a win they probably still don't know about.  The Big Ten continues to trend downward.

Florida vs. Kentucky

Two out of three weeks Kentucky football gets mentioned, Seal!  Randy Cobb and Steven Johnson would be proud.  This was my first actual SEC football experience since I was in Chicago last weekend and week one put Gainesville under water.  I really don't see why everyone claims the SOUF tailgates so much better than the NORF.  I mean...it was crazy and fun, but it was pretty much Ohio and Michigan tailgates.  Anyway, the Swamp is a fucking dump and feels every part of being a thousand years old.  I have no idea why a football school with a history of winning and a shit ton of money would play their games in a stadium that makes Veteran's Stadium look like a fucking palace.  Florida fans are a pretty delusional bunch.  Some kid in the concession line wouldn't shut up about how good Florida is going to be this year...then they proceed to almost lose to Kentucky at home.  This is going to be a great season.

Georgia vs. South Carolina

That's what I get for believing in Georgia.  One week after I fucking blow them they lose to a South Carolina team that will be lucky to finish in the top 25 this year.  Even though Todd Gurley had yet another bitchin game, this will probably put him out of the Heisman discussion since that award is fucking stupid.  Who's the front runner for this dumb award now?  Probably Marcus Mariota, right?  Right.  The sequence of plays after it was first and goal from the four yard line will probably haunt Georgia fans for awhile.  I imagine the taste it left resembled sucking on a used tampon.

USC vs. Boston College

I'm going to use this opportunity to be serious for a moment.  I'm not sure how many of you know the story of Welles Crowther.  I'll be honest, I didn't until I was watching SportsCenter on the anniversary of 9/11.  Basically, he was a Boston College graduate who was working in the twin towers on 9/11.  He sacrificed himself to save the lives of something like 14 people.  Remarkable story and I highly recommend watching the whole thing.  This past weekend Boston College honored Crowther and his family by wearing red bandana inspired uniforms during their game vs. USC.  They also passed out red bandanas to everyone in the student section.  It only seems fitting Boston College pulled off the upset on a day they were celebrating and remembering one of their own.  Cool thing to see.  Good for them.

Notre Dame vs. Purdue

Fuck Notre Dame and fuck Larry in his stupid ass.

UCLA vs. Texas

All of those people who thought UCLA was going to be in the playoff this year can now start punching themselves in the balls.  This team is on the verge of getting the shit kicked out of them by someone average.  Or just wait until they play Oregon.  Yikes.  I know Hundley got hurt in this game but it's not like this team was playing great while he was in there.  The best part of this game is Texas not understanding how coin flips work and giving UCLA the ball first in both halves.  LOL.  People are still trying to figure out how that happened.

Another week of college football in the books.  Hopefully the games this weekend are a little more entertaining.  That's it.  That's all I have for you.  I haven't ended a post this way in awhile so....FUCK YOU CAKES!

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VIII

Thank God there were some games played yesterday.  I don't know if I can handle anymore of these horrible life stories perpetuated by the league's best players.  How do you top Adrian Peterson beating the shit out of his toddler son with Grumpy's favorite tree?  Is Jim Kelly, fresh off being cancer free, the ISIS decapitator?   It wouldn't surprise me anymore.  If I had any integrity at all I would totally stop following this sport. I don't so I won't--let's make that clear--but the NFL is a fucking dumpster from top to bottom.  It is rotten to the core.

As far as Peterson goes, look I'm never going to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but "extreme violence and intimidation" is probably not the best course of action.  Who whips a 4 year old with wood?  If you want to spank, fine.  If you're a screamer, hey that's great.  But beating the shit out of  your son's scrotum is a terrible idea.   I have no idea how the NFL is going to handle this (I assume poorly) but a 4 game suspension seems fine to me.  Although his smiling mugshot really pissed me off.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR, ASSHOLE???  Let's make it 6 (with time served) and hope that this is rock bottom for the league (it isn't).

And please stop whipping toddlers.  It doesn't matter where you grew up or how you were raised, you're a multi-millionaire now.  Act like it.  Hey, the Redskins won BY A LOT this week ending a 9 game losing streak!  Let's talk about the games!

Cam Newton - Oh, you hilarious scamp.  That press conference where you kept calling Suh "Donkey Kong" was so LOLZ.  Never heard that before.  Keep in mind that you called him an ape and if Derek Anderson did that, we would have a race war on our hands.  Don't call your own people monkeys.  I shouldn't have to say things like this.  And the Lions should take it easy on the positive thoughts from a week ago.

Matty Ice - Let's hold off on calling this guy ELITE and the Falcons contenders.  We learned yesterday that the Saints have a ton of issues. 

KELLYTOUGH - Holy shit, the Bills are 2-0.  That can't be right.  Boy, Sammy Watkins was TOTES not worth the #4 pick, eh?  Terrible franchise.

The Women Wearing Ray Rice Jerseys on Thursday - Can't forget about these people!  People should have been allowed to punch them in the face IMO.  Also: Mike Tomlin's team blows.  Also also: Mike Tomlin blows.

Rob Ryan - Poor Wolfman got bitch-slapped verbally by his OVERRATED coach in the 4th quarter and then his defense couldn't stop Brian Hoyer when it mattered.  That was sad.  The Saints have some big time problems to work out if they want to make the playoffs this year.  One of them, shockingly, is not Mark Ingram who has looked great through two weeks.  I can't believe that I just wrote that either.  The Browns won.  Unexpected but this team still stinks.  That's got to be the worst part.  You KNOW that this team isn't going to the playoffs so these wins largely don't matter.  Bring on the next mediocre QB prospect drafted at the end of the first round!

Johnny Manziel - Nice debut.  Such a beautiful hand-off.  A real game changer there.

The Vikings - I think it's fair to say that they were just a tad distracted.  Having to play their home games at the house of Jerry Kill's future death has to be unsettling, too.

Mike Carey - So CBS was two years late to the on-site referee movement but they got this blerd for their telecasts this season.  Look at his fucking head!  What is that?  He looks like Jermaine "Dinosaur Head" Brooks.  Mike Carey sucks.  #TeamMikePereira4Life

Bishop Sankey - 2 carries for 3 yards.  Yeesh...by the way, maybe that Cowboys defense isn't as bad as we all hoped it would be?  Granted, Jake Locker is no Rich Gannon, but still.  Through two games, they have been solid.

Everyone on the Giants - It's time to gut this franchise.  Get rid of Coughlin.  Try to trade Eli.  Flush it all down.  If you can't beat Drew Stanton in your own house then start sending all of your scouts to Marcus Mariota's games every week.  Eli will forever be ELITE but he has to be the worst ELITE QB in the Hall of ELITEness.  He's the fucking janitor at this point.  FYI, Joe Flacco is the president.

Mike Evans - LOLOLOL nothing beats a good game-ending choke and Evans killed it by catching a pass to get the Bucs into field goal range but staying on the ground hurt after taking a decent shot.  The training staff had to come out.  Tampa had no timeouts OBVZ because look who their coach is.  Ten seconds were run off the clock but since there were only 8 left, THEY LOSE!  Just stand up, Mike.  The stupid look on Lovie's face when he realized that the game was over four hours after the call was made was priceless. 

Antonio Gates - I'm not buying this manure.  Oh sure, morons will argue that Gates is back after his three scores yesterday.  Smart people like myself know that starting next week, his toes will start acting up and he'll be a game time decision for the rest of the year.  Man, you've got to love up a pumped up Marmalard beating the world champs.  And now that Ryan Mathews is going to miss some time because of course he will, WOODHEAD BABY!!!

James Jones - DOUBLE FUMBLE!  It's not butt fumble but Jones' Double Fumble was pretty sick.

Marty Morninwheg - I still have no idea how to spell this loser's name but you had to love the overmatched and overweight Jets OC icing his own offense and costing them a game-tying touchdown.  One of the most Jets thing ever considering the head coach wasn't try to call the TO.  It was the moron calling plays.  Apparently, he didn't want his team running the "Touchdown Play".

Jamaal Charles - Poor guy.  Sounds like it might be an Achilles.  Boy, I said last month that you couldn't go wrong with Charles, McCoy, or Peterson as your RB in the top 3.  Whoops.  By the way, the officiating in this game was God awful.  They called the Chiefs offsides in the first half even though it was the two minute warning.  It was horrendous.  I'm selling stock on the Broncos.  Something isn't clicking.  Team needs a good Molly-popping sesh.

RG3 - OK, saving this for last.  First of all, what a dominating performance from a bad franchise.  Through two games, the defense looks legit (Bacarri Rambo excluded because he is terrible).  I'm back to feeling like we'll be alright as long as we stop shooting ourselves in the face no offense to Steve McNair.  BUT, QB1 goes down in the first quarter to a NASTY dislocated ankle injury and Captain Kirk came in looking all sorts of ELITE.  It sucks because I'm a Griff supporter and I want him to do well, but if he can't stay on the field then I can't sit here and defend him.  I want wins.  Winning matters to me the most.  I don't care how we do it.  I want RG3 to be a stud in this league but so far he doesn't know how to mesh his incredible skill set with what can keep him alive for a full season.  So he is on the shelf again.  It doesn't make our trade from the Rams stupid.  Why?  Because both of those teams still blow.  You have to have a QB to win consistently in the NFL.  We took a shot.  So far, it has not worked the way that we wanted it to.  To be honest, I'd rather have these injuries happen now instead of after giving him a monster contract extension.  The Redskins will be fine.  RG3 will be fine.  Kirk Cousins will super fine because he is an icon.  It's Beat The Fucking Eagles Week (I think).

FANTASY! - Hey there!  After starting 0-4, I have a really good shot of going 4-0 this week.  Do you know what's always fun?  Beating the shit out of Dut with a switch that I made him cut down for me.  DEAL WITH IT.

I'm on stay-cation all week which is ELITE and am very much looking forward to taking a daily nap.  Going into yesterday, my two favorite football teams had combined to lose their last 28 games.  TWENTY EIGHT IN A ROW.  Make that one WIN in a row, bruh. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Absolute Worst Fans In The World...WE ARE!

The real victims...
It's been a banner week for the old HOT SPROTS TAEK here between the Ray Rice video, LOL Big Ten, LOL Urban Meyer, LOL Hokester, and Roger Goodell being a liar but one of the more under-the-radar stories took place in Happy Valley.  After serving two years of a four year bowl ban, Penn State was granted a reprieve and the remaining two years have been erased.  The Nittany Lions are immediately eligible for a bowl appearance.

As is customary in State College, fans and students flooded wherever they flood to to celebrate such great news.  They hooted and hollered.  They did their Zombie Nation thing.  They screamed WE ARE.  They even started demanding that the Joe Paterno statue be restored.  FUCK.  THAT.  Fuck all of you people.  You are the scum of the Earf and I am rooting for the worst things in the world to happen to all of you.  You deserve it all and more.  If you are one to believe in Hell, then all of you will find your way there when you hopefully die soon.

Let me explain why this is absolutely wrong at all levels:

1. Penn State was punished as an institution for their role in allowing a know pedophile to inflict all sorts of abuse on children for TWO DECADES.  Important people knew about this.  Important people, WHO COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS, did not.  This is the definition of "extreme lack of institutional control".  It was a penalty for the school for doing nothing about everything.  Many people were calling for the program to be shut down and it would not have been unthinkable for that to happen.  Instead, they got a four year bowl ban, monster legal bills, settlements, a dead coach, and some scholarship reductions.  They should feel lucky.

2. The guy that relieved the bowl ban said that it was no longer right to punish those that had nothing to do with Sandusky.  God dammit, THAT ISN'T THE POINT.  Every single player had the right to leave the school and go somewhere else with no penalty.  Some left but many stayed and they KNEW what they were in for.  The players aren't the fucking victims here and they never were.  They were given a "get out of the shower" free card.  If they did not take it, then fuck them.  Why should ANYONE feel sympathy for those that stayed???

3. The Joe Paterno worship should infuriate everyone forever.  Fuck these losers with an old man's liver-spotted dick.  Get the fuck over it.  By making Penn State bowl eligible, you are giving the worst fanbase in the world an excuse to go on vacation.  Good fucking job, Senator Mitchell.  You are rewarding people whose only reward should be a public caning.  You aren't giving the players a pat on the back and a "job well done".  You are giving Paterno Supporters a reason to party.

I like James Franklin and I think that he is a really good coach (Vandy rapes aside) but I will spend the rest of my days hoping that his new program never wins another game.  These boosters and supporters and students and alumni are sub-human garbage and they have earned nothing but heartbreak and depression.  WE ARE!  FUCKING EVIL!

Let's close on some gambling advice...I don't see any chance in Hell that the Redskins cover the -6 against Jacksonville on Sunday.  If we win at all, it will be some sort of fluke.

As far as buttering your bread, we are moving the MAC Glory Hole of the Week (1-1!) up one night for a special Friday night winner!  We are going to double down on the shittiness of Toledo.  TONIGHT, I love Cincinnati laying 11 10! points in their season opener(!) at home versus the Rockets.  Toledo QB Whatever Ely tore his ACL last week and the back-up was pretty bad.  Matt Campbell has horse teeth, sort of sucks as a head coach, and is from the goddamn Tim Beckman coaching tree.  Tonight, we FINALLY get to see what all the hubbub is about regarding QB Gunner Kiel who is FINALLY not transferring somewhere and will start for the Bearcats.  Cincy rolls by at least three scores in a tune-up before they embarrass Urban Meyer.

What a week!  Let's hope that next week is as equally ELITE.  And let's all root for our RedHawks to beat The Hokester tomorrow!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

ACEterview: Lets Beat Some Bitches Up

HAPPY 9/11!
Oh boy, do I have a treat for you guys today. Turns out that after Ray Rice got cut he was begging anybody and everybody for an interview. Turns out, most people didn't want to hear his shit. Also turns out, I'll interview anybody about anything because that's just what I'm bout. So without any further ado, I bring to you; RAY RICE'S PRINCIPALITIES OF SLAPPING BITCHES.

ME: *Calls Ray on cell* Hey, I'm at Waffle House. Sitting right where you told me to.
Ray Rice: Alright, son. I'm getting out the whip.

ME: *Standing and applauding* I can't tell if you're the biggest dick in the world or a fucking AMERICAN HERO!
RR: I'm a big dicked American Hero. Alright alright alriiiiiight.
ME: One more Kevin Hart joke and I'm out of here.

ME: So Ray, tell me about what went down that night at the casino. The world wants to know.
RR: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I did what I had to do. You can't let these hoes disrespect you at all, but ain't no way it can happen in public. I'm the supreme hoe checker.
ME: Ya....but what happened.
RR: Man, I was just at the casino shooting some craps betting snake eyes and double sixes all night like us brothas do, and this chickenhead started getting mad over some girl eyeing me from across the way. And I'm just like, "Yeah bitch, she eyeing me. And I'm eyeing that white coochie right back". So she started trippin' and went to this white girl with some kind of attitude. And that's just some shit that I don't accept. White women need to be.....good lawd I love them white women. Those white hoes need to be treated with respect, no matter who they lookin at. Do you know how good their credit score is?
ME: So did you step in or just watch it happen?
RR: I sat back for a minute, and had my phone out just waiting to yell "WOOOOOOOOORLD STAAAAAAAR". And this white girl had some big ol milk cannons. I thought for sure Janay was gonna pull them titties out, so I just let her go. But then she want to just go over there and talk about shit, "Why you eyeing my man? Can't you see he's with me? You better watch your snow white lookin ass before I cut you." So then I was like WUT! You think I'm gonna let you cut snow white with a big booty? Bitch you crazy.
ME: So is the moment that got caught on tape right after that?
RR: Aw naw. I had to take my snow bunny to the side and apologize. Give her some of this LONG DICK!
RR: Alright alright, my bad. But I did have to break Pasty Polly off proper.

ME: So what happened in the video that the whole world has seen?
RR: You saw that bitch try to throat chop me outside the elevator, right? I don't play about my throat. You can touch me anywhere, but not my throat. That's how I knew she wasn't fuckin around.
ME: Ya man....totally saw that. So what happened next?
RR: So we got in that elevator and I got real close to her...
ME: Did you fucking spit on her? I know you spit on her.
RR: Naw. I had one of white girls pubes in my mouth and I blew it onto her face.
ME: That's some ill shit.
RR: Yeah. Looking back I probably shouldn't have taken it that far. But I just had to get that shit out of my mouth. It was stuck in my teeth for like 10 minutes. It came loose when we got in the elevator and I just thought that shit would be funny. That bitch never did have a sense of humor.
ME: So why did you have to beat her ass like you did after that?
RR: It was either kill or be killed at that point. And that's a Level 1 green light to knock a bitch out.
ME: Wait, so there's levels to this shit? I gotta hear this.

RR: Alright. Well like I said, Level 1 is kill or be killed. You got some big ol Baby D lookin hoe coming your way you gotta drop bombs and treat her like a man. No looking back, no second guessing, just put her down.
ME: I respect that. Even though you spit pubes in her face-
RR: NIGGA! Are you listening or not. KILL OR BE KILLED.
ME: Alright. I got it. What are the other levels?
RR: K. Level 2: she start talking about getting some other motherfuckers to come beat your ass. Like lets say you just push her down the steps for looking at you funny. You know, just some regular shit. Then she gets up talmabout she gon get her daddy and cousin to come shoot your ass. Nope. Gotta check her ass on the spot.
ME: Seems like you're kind of asking for it. But okay.
RR: Fuckin soft ass cracka. Anyway. Level 3: She start talking about your moms. On god, you gotta snatch that bitch up with a quickness. Like she can't even think to say somethin and you already got her throat. You can't play that shit. Snatch the life out of her.
ME: I'm sure your mom is proud.
RR: Buhlee dat. Level 4 is one of my favorite times to slap a bitch. Let her start talking shit about how she's gonna beat your ass. You sit there and laugh it off, let her think you aren't taking her seriously. But in the back of your mind...you already got a nice little three piece lined up fo dat ass. Let her make the first move and then BLAM! YOU READY TO GO NIGHT NIGHT!
ME: For fuck's sake man, stop with the Kevin Hart shit.
RR: It's true doe.
ME: I hear you. Here is what my friend Smoak had to say about a Level 4 situation(seriously):
#RayRice Errbody wanna take a stand on wetha u HIT FEMALES OR NOT...but dont nobody wanna talk about DES BITCHES NEEDING TO BE PUNCHED IN THE MOUTH..U kno like using Fighting Words...bitches Loooove to use fighting words until dey get dat ass #MortalKombat Slapped all in dey shit...lol #ImJusSayinDoe

ME: Alright, so there are just four levels? Four situations where it's okay to hit a woman?
RR: Hell no. My levels are about 25 deep. If a bitch snaps her fingers at you, sucks her teeth, talks about your small dick, folds your towels instead of rolling them shits, can't fry food for shit, stays over at her moms house too long, stays in the shower too long, fucks up dinner, doesn't keep the car clean, doesn't put my motherfucking silverware on the right side of the plate, buys those watermelons with seeds, or even takes a deep breath without permission. MOTHERFUCKIN SLAP EM IN DEY MOUF!
ME: What don't you slap women for?
RR: *Stunned at such a question* Well...gotdamn. I don't know if there is a situation that can't be made better by slapping a bitch. That shit is like... it's like getting one of those gold stars in Mario Kart.
ME: The N64 game?
RR: Yeeeeeeeeeeea. You just get that shit, you start flashing like a mothafucka, that music comes on and makes you all happy, and then you just going around slapping bitches. And everybody knows it's coming and they ain't even mad at you when you get em, cuz they know slappin bitches needs to be done when you get that star.
ME: I think that analogy works.
RR: Imagine getting a star and not being able to slap somebody.
ME: Oka--
RR: STOP! Just imagine that kind of world.
ME:What was your character?
RR: I always rolled with Wario. He sounded like some black folks named him.

ME: So now that you are basically out of the league forever, how are you feeling?
RR: I feel like Roger Goodell lied to me.
ME: How?
RR: He said ain't nothing really wrong with slapping bitches, but he has to make people think he cares.
ME: I believe it.
RR: Turns out when the camera gets turned on he acts like a REAL OL BITCH. I shoulda slapped his ass. How I go from 2 games to out of the league. We both sat there and watched that video. Shit, the only reason he gave me two games is because I didn't back hand the bitch. Now he wants to come out and suspend me indefinitely. I don't even know what that shit means.
ME: It means you can't come back until he tells you.
RR: Word? Ain't that some shit. Brandon Marshall punched a hole in a bitches face and he got suspended three games.
ME: Yeah, that doesn't seem-
ME: I get it. It's not fair.
RR: Ray Lewis killed a man. He would tell me about it everyday in the showers. Ed Reid used to kill homeless dudes and steal their beards. Shits insane. You got Jerry Jones out here raping bitches like he's Ben mothafuckin whitemansnameberger. And I'm out the league.
ME: It's a cold world. That's what you get for going to Rutgers.

ME: Well Ray, I'm glad you took the time out of your busy day to spend it with me.
RR: I'm unemployed. I ain't doing shit.
ME: I know. I was just trying to make you feel good. You could be in line for your Obamaphone or something. But you're here with me and that means...
RR: That means you make another racist joke and I'm gonna be slapping your bitch ass.
ME: Oh come on now, I'm just messing around. But let's not act like race wasn't involved in this whole incident.
RR: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
ME: You know if you would have done that to a white girl they would have MikeBrown'd your ass.
RR: Fuck outta here.
ME: Keep doing your thing. It's obviously working out for you. Tell Goodell I said to keep his pimp hand strong.

Questions for the comments:
Would this have played out differently if Janay were white? How about if they were both white?
Is Ray Rice's extended suspension kind of bullshit because he is getting punished for getting caught on camera, not for his actions?
Does Goodell get fired over this LOLOLOLOLOLOL?

But for reals, is it ever okay to hit a female? I vote yes, but it can't be domestic violence. Like if a hooker walks up to me and slaps me then I have every right to punch her directly in her herpes outbreak. But if your wife does it...I think that's one you have to just man up and take. But if women want equality, then they're getting all of it.

...with liberty and justice for all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

We're Going To Try This Again

Most of yesterday's hullabaloo was directed toward how unsatisfying the Urban Meyer era has been in Columbus.  What wasn't discussed as much was that Saturday marked the end of the Brady Hoke era in Ann Arbor.  Bros, it's over.  I don't care how much pride and ego you think that Dave Brandon has, he still has bosses to answer to as well.  He can't go to those people with the idea of an extension for Hoke after getting plowed by Notre Dame and never beating Sparty or Urb's Ohio.  It is done.  Hoke will be gone by New Year's Day and it will be time for Michigan to start over...again.

I wrote about this exact same topic over the Summer on a travel day hoping that the comments would dominate the day.  I was shocked to see how many of you thought that Hoke would be around in 2015.  The fuck he will.  Even the most ardent Hokester supporter has to see that divorce is coming and that right soon (Shawshank warden).

He's had a full recruiting class come through and they keep getting worse.  How many times are you going to let him change the coordinators before correctly blaming him for this garbage?  I said in May that they should go after David Shaw.  He won't leave STANFORD FOOTBALL (probably) but it doesn't hurt to ask. 

However, in my personal opinion, everything is about to fall in place for WE ON.
I firmly believe that Jim Harbaugh is not going to be the 49ers coach next year whether he leaves on his own or gets fired.  He hates the organization and the organization hates him even more.  Could you imagine being this guy's boss?  Holy shit.  Hell, they tried to trade him to Jimmy Haslam this Spring.  What better way for Michigan to be relevant again than to hire the ultimate Michigan Man prize that has always just been a little out of reach but now can be had.  Oh sure, it's going to cost a fortune (at least 6-7 million per year) but it can be done.  A BRAH wants unlimited power which you can't have in the NFL and a BRAH wants to be able to treat his players like fucking scum which you also can't due in the NFL.  College is the perfect place for this mentally unstable juvenile genius.

Mark my words: Jim Harbaugh will be the Michigan football coach in 2015.  And if you want me to actually take DUH GAME seriously as a rivalry, having Captain Dildo and a BRAH trading barbs is a mighty nice start.  Plus, the program slogan for next season almost writes itself...WE ON, BRAH!  It makes too much sense.  There.  I just fixed Michigan Football in one short blog post.