Thursday, July 31, 2014

Strong Takes From Around The Shield

Looks eerily similar to The Hoyer Destroyer IMO
As mentioned yesterday, my life is likely worlds different today.  This post was written two days ago once Ape was officially placed on administrative leave and I realized that something/anything had to go up today.  Let's take a tour around NFL Training Camps to see what is going on and you better believe that we will be stopping in Berea.

Emmanuel Sanders says that Peyton Manning is a better leader than Big Ben - O RLY?  This is about as "breaking news" as someone saying that they support the troops.  Way to step out on a ledge there, Colonel Sanders.  Peyton is a better QB.  Period.  Comma.  But is he actually a better leader?  That might be a little more debatable.  I will point to my trusty Rings Index and it says here that Big Ben has 2 while Peyton has 1 and a shitload of chokes.  Sure, Peyton puts himself in the position to win a ring every year but that usually only leads to consistent failure.  I'm not saying that Ben is a better leader than Peyton here but I suppose I am saying that the RedHawks are better than Rocky Top.  This paragraph should get Iceman's blood beyond boiling.  Two is better than one though.

Marshawn Lynch is holding out - Well this is just stupid.  They already have made it known that they are going to more of a platoon due to the toll that Lynch has taken on his candy-fueled body which means that he isn't really part of the team's future plans.  So his way around that is to rack up fines.  I wouldn't pay him.  Running backs aren't worth big bucks.  With all of the Seahawks that should be getting pay raises, Lynch isn't one of them.  Sorry, bruh, get your ass to camp but not so fast that you run over fat chicks.

The Ray Rice situation is still a disgrace - It's bad enough that Goodell gave him only two games for beating the piss out of his girlfriend--on camera--because she asked the NFL nicely not to ruin the career and reputation of a women puncher.  But then sending some guy named Adolpho onto Mike and Mike to DEFEND the ruling just pisses me off even more.  The NFL is getting awfully flamboyant and arrogant with how they treat the fans.  Years ago, they suspended Big Ben for rape allegations (not even any charges filed as you recall) for SIX games--reduced to four--for "embarrassing The Shield.  We all know what happened with Pryor and that made no sense.  Still nothing has happened to Jim Irsay or Greg Hardy (actually convicted!).  I'm not going to say that this is the beginning of the end of the NFL because it isn't but Goodell absolutely HAS to curb the thuggery in the league.  It is BAD.  And don't get me started on Ravens fans giving Rice a standing ovation.  I would expect nothing less from the people who loved Ray Lewis and ignored his murder.

Brian Hoyer reminds Joe Thomas of Tom Brady - Wait--WHAT?

"He's a lot like Tom Brady,'' Thomas said Monday

Wow.  Just wow.  I just don't understand this.  Are Browns fans the only people in America that don't know that Brian Hoyer is garbage?  I feel like everyone should already know this.  Granted, he was the starting QB in the world famous Jimmy Haslam cackle game, but this guy (ahem) COULDN'T BEAT OUT BRANDON WEEDEN FOR THE STARTING JOB.  And now we've got people calling him Little Tommy Terrific.  Insane.

Speaking of Browns QBs... - Seriously, why did they even draft Johnny Manziel?  It's amazing to me how the team keeps leaking stories to the press in order to curb Manziel's partying because they clearly have no control over him and maybe the media and fans can help rein him in.  Why did you trade back up into the first round to take him if you had no idea what the experience was going to entail?  Why are you talking mad shit about him anonymously to Mary Kay Cabot?  It almost feels like they are trying to get Johnny to quit and they don't want him around anymore.  HE IS THE STARTER AND FACE OF THE FRANCHISE.  STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.  Good to see Josh Gordon at camp though!

That will do it for me filling in for Mr. Ace today.  I tried not to be a pompous cocksucker because that is his schtick.  I don't want to infringe on any copyrights.  Dad OUT!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Today is THE DAY

By the time that any of you roll away from Big Jim and get out of bed this morning, I will already be at Ohio Buckeyes Hospital preparing for the birth of my heir and future Queen of America. She$ is scheduled to be induced at the ELITE time of 5 AM--2 days past our original due date. She is ready for this to be over. So am I.

At some point today (hopefully...I am not known for my patience), little Jetera LeBron Sean Taylor Carry The Flag #MACtion Hawks Pizza & Drive Thru Money will be brought into this world and my life will never be the same. I mean, it probably will, I'll just be more tired all the time.

This should be an anxiety-filled and scary day for the legend. They say that the average labor time for your first kid is something like 12-16 hours. ON AVERAGE. I told the wife that she gets two hours before I go back home. I also have a ton of ELITE jokes to unload during the day that should have all of the medical people there in stitches. It's a damn shame that I won't get to use this one though as it is pure gold:

"She$'s contractions just started but I'm not going to take her to the hospital until she uses two in the same sentence"

That's just a little pregnancy/English class humor for you right there that will go wasted. In other Money Shot contributor news...

As we all know, Iceman has made the big move to Gainesville this week. Sorry, Florida. Also, Mr. Ace emailed me the other night saying that all of the issues that went down with his dad within the last week or two did not work and more procedures/surgery will be required. That stinks and we all wish Big Ace the best. Ace has asked to go on a temporary hiatus from his Thursday posts until things can get back to normal in his life and that is an easy request to grant. Take all the time you need. Let's hope that we can get him back in time to deliver shitty football gambling advice.

We probably should have spaced out our life-changing events a little bit better but whatever. I'd bet good money that Iceman wasn't expecting that his cross-country move would be rendered inconsequential by the two of us this week! I plan on having something up tomorrow but I have no idea what it will be and I've asked Iceman to write something for Friday but he doesn't have the worldwide web in his new digs yet (maybe) so who knows.

This baby better be white...LET'S DO THIS!  I'm gonna crank Master Of Puppets in the Delivery Room so everyone can stay hype.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Now Batting For The Iceman...CHIP KELLY!!!

If you've been wondering what Chip Kelly's been up to, then today is your lucky day! When Iceman contacted me to sub today, I figured catching up with the Chip-a-nator would the perfect way to use my day here at this internet cesspool. For those that have forgotten, I have the inside track with Chip because I was once the official Cal Football beat writer/commenter for The Money Shot. We hit it off during a Cal/Oregon post-game press conference and what ensued was eerily similar to "Training Day," with Chipper playing the role of Det. Alonzo Harris. "This is not an option, n***a. If you do not smoke this we have a problem." Indeed...

Without further procrastination, here's the star of today's show:


What is up twat-cicles?! Did you miss me? OF COURSE YOU DID! Between Snow Guy's NBA posts, Mr. Monkey's stories of molesting at-risk youths, and G$'s insecurity in regards to his food posts (LULZ at Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup being underrated- I eat that at least twice a day!) you've been thirsting for an update from the most dominating force in the NFL... ME, MOTHERFUCKAS! Prime is a very brown stain on a pair of dirty murder panties and couldn't do this shit without me. Go fuck yourself, Prime, you lazy-ass dead foreskin. You are so lucky you met me.

Let's start this off with a quick NFC East preview: SPOILER ALERT- The Eagles will sweep the division and ride the momentum into the playoffs where we will easily win the Super Bowl. Why? Well, a number of reasons:

Our QB is significantly upgraded. Nick Foles is white as fuck and has golden locks of hair that are only second to John Heder. Having a responsible Caucasian leader throwing TD's constantly is way better than a ghetto-assfuck that mistreats dogs. Fun fact: the last straw with Mike Vick was when we found out that he was still abusing his dogs. Get this- he only treated his dogs with SEASONAL heart-worm medication! Can you believe that human herpe? What a dickface who obviously knows nothing of basic dog care.

Our WR slot is upgraded also. Commentor Jeff should drop that rapey other Pennsylvania team and jump on this bandwagon now! I would also say Grumpy should join the bandwagon, but his bleeding-heart liberal ways do not jive with the Philadelphia Eagles (read as: he's not racist enough.) Less DeSean Jackson and more Riley Cooper? How do I even get away with this? One of our team building exercises in camp will be burning crosses in the dorm courtyard while listening to Hall & Oates. With any luck, we will get a noise violation! Are you convinced yet, Jeff?

How will our defense be? WHO GIVES A FLYING SPREAD EAGLE FUCK?! No one. It's all about the offense. The models I fuck on the reg don't dig defense.

Lady McCoy is an ashy little fella that I will run into the ground. If I could Bud Kilmer him to make sure Napoleon Dynamite gets more TD passes, I would. Wait- I'm the goddamn Tony Soprano of the Eagles. I can do that. Do not draft McCoy on your fantasy team. I'm going to LULZ at his lack of TDs.

Tight End Zach Ertz is catching balls to the face. Constantly. He loves it.

The Eagles will obviously dominate. I mean, I'm their titty-fucking coach for Chip's sake! But here are some other fun facts about the NFC East. RG3 is super mega gay. His knee ligaments are made of graphite pencil lead but his penis is hard as granite for dudes. Jerry Jones called me to take over the 'Boys. I told him I don't swing that way and to call Bobby Griffin because he loves boys and cock. Eli Manning still sleeps with his childhood blankey loves it when his mom "makes the bad men fly!" Pretty sure he breastfeeds at halftime of all games.

With no further convincing needed about the Eagles straight up murdering the NFC East, let's talk about you fucks. True, I hate this blog. Howevah, I do keep up with it just to rip on you every 18-months or so.

Ide is the worst. If he ever tells you he hung out with me, Paul Pierce, Pauly Shore, or Neil Diamond- immediately call him out for his IdeLies. The only celeb that would even consider hanging out with Ide is that gash singer from Train, and that is only because Ide will blow him. I heard the song "Drops of Jupiter" was inspired by Ide's love of nude black men in locker rooms.

Seal, stop holding back your anger! Let it shine, bro. Inbred Kentucky fans are SUPPOSED to be angry. Do not deny yourself your birth-rite.

Since I said Ide was the worst, I can't take it back while talking about Cakes, but he and John Manzier should hold hands and get swept into a tornado together. One tornado, two dildos. As efficient as me fucking Lane Kiffin's wife- which still happens. OFTEN.

Damman still fucks fat chicks and that is still OK with me! Damman is the STANFORD FOOTBALL of slaying big girls!

Ape, you are a diehard Eagles fan, and I loathe you with the fire of 1,000 grills cooking all beef sirloin patties on Ide's roof. You are a disgrace to Eagles fans, child advocates, and dog lovers alike. When this is all over, you and Mike Vick should get an apartment together.

Larry is somewhat new to the group, but it seems like his wife sure does wear the pants in the family based on her sexually arousing dress-down of Ape regarding heart-worm meds. I remember when I wore Lane Kiffin's wife's panties and raw-dogged her anus for 3.5 hours. What does that have to do with Larry? Not much, but it was an ELITE time!

Iceman is moving on down to the F.L.A., huh? Well, try to do better than these folks. I do not want to have to read about you stealing Wheelz' The View chair and joy-riding naked into a marsh while drunk on Rumplemintz, then getting eaten by a crocodile. Wait a tick- I absolutely want to read about that! Get after it, Florida boy!

Drooler, you sad sick bastard. I'm surprised you ever get out from under sniffing Urban Meyer's scrote to comment here daily. Does the regular season matter or not matter? For you, I hope it matters because your teams seem to fall embarrassingly flat when it really counts. Ohio did pretty well last year, up until that pesky B1G Championship game where Sparty exposed them for being frauds. Justin Verlander has his face to far into another girl's boobies that I motorboat from time to time, to pitch well. And I KNOW how clutch the Wings come up when your ability to comment here was on the line. Your need to always be right is to attempt to compensate for a microscopic wiener. GIVE IT A REST!

And G$- I don't know if SheMoney's kid will be here by the time this is published, but enjoy raising MY CHILD. That's right, BRAH! Ol' Chipper snowballed himself, then spit it back out to impregnate yo' wife (just like Cakes!)! I even made sure my semen was "girl-producing-only" so that you'd get to raise a daughter that will remind you of me every single day for the rest of your life. Congrats, sucka!!!

And that's Prime's time today. What a rotten tampon that needed me do all of his work for him. Have a shitty Tuesday, fuck-faces! Enjoy watching the MOTHERFUCKING EAGLES this year!

Monday, July 28, 2014

25 For 25: Ranking The Best MLB Player of the Last 25 Years

I have no idea what is going on here but Matt Stairs being surrounded by cats is ELITE as fuck.
Sweet!  A new, recurring topic here!  Over the weekend, MLB inducted their most recent class to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.  This HOF and their voters catch a lot of grief and scorn for being stupid and nonsensical most of the time however this year they nailed it.  This is an incredible class.  Not a dirty needle to be found anywhere! 

Since my kid didn't come out this past weekend (at least at the time of this writing), I decided to take on a massive research project of compiling a list of the 25 Best MLB Players of the last 25 years.  It wasn't easy.  Just kidding.  It kind of was.  I used PECOTA and WAR and VORP to properly slot these greats.  But not BABIP.  Fuck BABIP.  Again, just kidding.  Here were my guidelines:

-Personal bias was huge
-Steroids were considered but only to break ties
-Since we start this in 1989, we didn't factor in guys who were in their twilight at that time.  Yes, guys like Michael Jack Schmidt are ELITE, but he wasn't in his prime then.  And since he went to Ohio U, fuck him.
-When in doubt, just assume personal bias was used
-If you think that Omar Vizquel is going to show up LOL!  Same thing with Verlander.  If Ryne Sandberg, Cal Ripken (most OVERRATED player ever), and Ozzie Smith aren't on the list then your favorite turd isn't going to make it either.

Without further Apu, the 25 Best MLB Players of the Last 25 Years...FYI, I plan on doing this at a later date for the NFL and NBA and perhaps college football and basketball, too.

25. Albert Belle - A career cut short by insanity and Degeneration-X hip issues shouldn't take away from how terrifying of a hitter and human being he was.  Do NOT throw eggs at his house.
24. Chipper Jones - Larry is a Hall of Famer when it comes to producing bastards

22. Wade Boggs - His sky-drinking skills are the stuff of legend
21. Sammy Sosa - He's soooooooooooo real.  Baseball was berry, berry good to heeeeem.

20. Roberto Alomar - He may have been ranked a little higher had he not spit in John Hirschbeck's face with his AIDS-spit.
19. Felix Hernandez
18. Ivan Rodriguez
17. Mike Piazza - Pudge and Piazza are both incredibly underrated.  Pudge has the giant statue of himself in his yard while Piazza is rumored to be a homosexual.  Nice.
16. Clayton Kershaw - The highest ranking pitcher that is still playing.  He's fantastic.  He has been for a while now and he will continue to be.  He's not a thrower like Verlander.  He's actually great and not a clown fraud.

15. Roger Clemens - A 7 time Cy Young winner at 15?  Yeah, I don't know where to properly rank him.  If it wasn't painfully obvious that he was on the juice, I would likely have him in the top 5 but whatever.
14. Ichiro Suzuki - This guy is absolutely amazing.
13. Alex Rodriguez - Oh boy.  Here is another guy that I didn't know what to do with so I just gave him his number.  Happy birthday yesterday, Centaur!  By the way, have you seen Funny or Die's parody to the Re2pect commercial, "F13CK YOU"?  Delightful!
12. Tony Gwynn - Baseball needs more husky black guys
11. Manny Ramirez - Definitely nuts but undeniably great.  His years in LA were tremendous.  See you in LA, Go Dodgers!  Also, the Dodgers are Uncle T's favorite team.  That's the bulge in his salmon shorts.  Count it.

10. Greg Maddux - Did you see what he looks like now?  Yikes.
9. Randy Johnson - How LULZ was his tenure in New York!
8. Miguel Cabrera - Don't you dare call me a hater.  I show respect.
7. Albert Pujols - He looks to be back this season to being the slugger that he was in STL. 
6. Frank Thomas

5. Derek Jeter - YEAH JEETS is going to retire a 5 time champion (or six!) and 6th all-time in hits.  People that call him OVERRATED are the biggest losers on the planet. 
4. Mariano Rivera - It's not that he's just the best closer ever, it is that he is arguably the most dominant pitcher to ever live.  He's at least in the discussion.
3. Ken Griffey, Jr. - It's a damn shame that he was always hurt with the Reds.  Just kidding...fuck the Reds.  Junior's 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie will forever be one of the crown jewels of my card collection.
2. Pedro Martinez - Without question, in-his-prime Pedro was the one pitcher that you knew your team was not going to beat.  That ASG in Boston that he started where he stuck out all 6 of the batters he faced was unreal.
1. Barry Bonds - I don't care.  He's the best baseball player of my lifetime.  Did any of these other guys appear on an episode of 90210? I think not.  It is a shame that Bonds is such an asshole because he should be in Cooperstown even if there is an asterisk on his plaque.  Bonds should be going into the Hall before Pete Rose.  FACT.

There you have it.  I spent more time on this than I would like to admit.  It was really hard for me to not have a top 5 that was some variation of Jeter, Rivera, David Cone, Danny Tartabull, and Shane Spencer but I persevered.  Challenge my authority today if you would like.  I'll let you know if or when I'm off to the hospital.  Iceman is out tomorrow but an old friend is filling in to let us know what he's been up to instead.  YAY NO ICEMAN!!!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Finally A Festival For ME!

It's about fucking time.
You know how Ide likes to pop off about how jealous of him we must be since he lives in Brooklyn?  It is always annoying and yet another #IdeLie.  I don't want to live in New York.  I never have.  No one is jealous of you for doing exactly what 10 million other loudmouth jerk-offs have decided to do.  And you know what?  It's painfully OBVZ that you envy all of US who still call central Ohio home.  Why?  See above.

The STRAIGHT WHITE GUY FESTIVAL!!!  What took us straight white men so long to craft an event solely for us?  These flyers have started popping up around town over the last few days and who the hell knows if it is actually a real thing but I definitely WANT it to be real.  We deserve it!

Let's break down the advertisement:
*FREE ADDMISSION - We're not off to a good start but, then again, it's about telling not spelling
*EVERYONE WELCOME - Ugh, no, this is clearly for straight white guys only
*COME HELP US CELABRATE OUR ENJOYMENT OF BEING STRAIGHT WHITE AND MALE - A great cause but still might want to consider a trip through the spell-check/add some commas
*BEER AVAILABLE - Now we're talking
*PLEASE NO BYOB - That sounds like a suggestion and not a rule to me!
*PLEASE NO ILLEGAL DRUGS - Have you already forgotten your audience?  This isn't Heritage Weekend.
*FEATURING OPEN STAGE FIRST COME FIRST PLAY - Oh no.  This could derail the entire event if some grubby asshole gets up there playing the acoustic guitar.  Fucking call up Total Recall and fly them in.  There is nothing more "straight white male" than 90's cover songs.

Let's be honest, there is no way that I'm going to go to this even if it is a real thing.  I'm not one that "does things" but I am intrigued.  The point of today's post besides "this is the best idea ever" is to come up with events that would actually take place at a "Straight White Guy Festival" at Goodale Park.

I'll go first.  GUARANSHEED there is at least 20 craft beer stands set up.  There are few things as white and straight as the lust for the perfect IPA.  There would probably also be some sort of MMA event going on, too, because straight white guys LOVE MMA.  There will probably be a golf pro there giving out swing tips, too!  Let's have fun with this and feel free to get as casually racist as you want.  After all, July is White History Month.

Baby Money is due on Monday.  I can't possibly imagine that happening at this point but we'll see.  It should be an interesting week.  Time to CELABRATE!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Futures of Football


Quick update on Big Ace: He's began to curse more and more everyday at his nurses and Dr.'s, which is a great sign. Like I said, my dad tends to turn 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares and this one was no exception. There were two days where everything was going wrong; low blood pressure, retaining fluids, needing oxygen, and a mention of heart failure. Then the next day he got some tiny Vietnamese lady as his nurse and she totally fucking owned him for 12 hours straight. Wouldn't let him lay in bed, constantly made him use the breathing machine, and making him walk the floor with a walker. That lady is a saint. So he's on the mend and thinks he should have went home yesterday...but will probably be going home Saturday.

I just got back into Columbus yesterday so I'm not gonna go too crazy with today's post. I spent a lot of time sitting in the hospital scrolling through Twitter the past week. The NFL is beginning to pick up steam on my timeline and that can only mean one thing; IT'S GAMBLING TIME! I think I'm going to go for broke this year and just become a professional gambler. Because fuck a 9-5, I'm trying to live like I'm slangin crack rock or got a wicked jump shot. So here are some future plays that I will be putting my money on. (I am using Bookmaker for all these odds) Here is a link for all the odds.

First lets look at some Over/Unders:
Bills 6.5- I have seen the Bills getting some love as a sleeper pick to be a wildcard team in the AFC. I'm not seeing it. They need another year to get better, and another year for the Pats to get older. UNDER

Bengals 9- I see Dalton crumbling under all this pressure in a contract year. I think everybody in that division will be better this year as well. UNDER

Cowboys 8- LOLZ. UNDER

Eagles 9- I expect big things this year. OVER

Redskins 7.5- The NFC East is going to be bad this year outside of the Eagles. The Redskins' offense should be near ELITE. OVER

Division Winners: Now this isn't about just picking out winners. We're looking for value here.
AFC South: Colts -150. I know I just got done talking about value, but this is just about as big of a lock as there is. That division is bad. The Colts are good.

NFC East: This is the Eagles division IMO, but I can see the Skins surprising some people. I absolutely do not see the Cowboys or Giants doing anything. So I'd take the Eagles +132(3 units) and the Redskins +364(1 unit). So lets say I bet $300 to win $396 on the Eagles and $100 to win $364 on the Redskins. Looks like a guaranteed win to me.

NFC West: Arizona Cardinals +853. VALUE! This division is tough from top to bottom. Arizona was 10-6 and lost at least 3 games by 3 points or less. Again, I know the division is tough, but I feel like this team can make a jump.

Conference Winners:
AFC: Broncos +184, Colts +934, and Jets +3021.
Yes, betting on the Jets is a bit crazy, but I'll take 30/1 odds on a defense that is going to be Top 5 in the NFL. And the Broncos are the current favorites to win the Super Bowl, so I think almost 2/1 to win the conference is a good price.

NFC: 49ers +420, Packers +600, and Panthers +1950.
No, I didn't forget something, I don't like the Eagles at +1350. The NFC East is horrible, not the entire NFC. I do think the Seahawks fall back a bit, if only because I don't think the universe will smile upon Pete Carroll two years in a row. And HarBRAH always has his team playing well at the end of the regular season. And Cammy Cam potentially blowing up is worth 20/1.

Super Bowl:
The only team that I see value in from the AFC is the Colts +2487. I don't think the Super Bowl winner is coming out of the AFC so I'm not taking low odds for the Patriots or the Colts. The Packers +1150 and 49ers +744.

So if you're scoring from home you will see that I'd be a YUGE fan of a Colts vs Packers/49ers Super Bowl...and I don't see that as too much of a long shot.

Here are my predictions for the comments:
G$ is shocked by my Skins love, still loves RG3 cock.
Grump predicts Big Ben MVP and Steelers Super Bowl, still loves to eat pussy.
Cakes places all his money on the Browns...Iceman loses his shit.
Drew thinks the Lions are a great value, forgets who coaches his team.
Prime thinks Cutty will pull it off this year...and he fucking better because he has no excuses anymore.
Ide has google searched the pros of charcoal grilling and will be pissed nobody cares.

And I'm Out.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Open Forum: underrated Foods!

LOL Seal!  Too much lard at breakfast.
We spent a lot of time around here discussing things being OVERRATED.  It can be quite nauseating and repetitive.  But we rarely look at the opposite side of that spectrum.  No one seems to care about the underrated.  The underrated have grit!  Hell, OVERRATED thinks that it is so big and bad that it stole all of the caps.  underrated has to go lower case because it's shithead brother is such a glory adjective.  We can change that if for just today.  Let's focus on the underrated in a world ripe for commenting

As I mentally prepare myself to go on the defensive from cyber food bullies today, it is important to remember a few things about today's topic.
1. As long as you can say "this is way better than it gets credit for" then you are fine.  If you can say, "Kobe beef gets all the love but IMO pig dick is way better and packed with protein" then whatever.
2. There are no other rules. 

We're setting this up like a giant, underrated meal.  Deal with it.  MEAL WITH IT.

Appetizer - Hummus.  I am on a HUGE hummus kick at the moment because it is fantastic.  Since it is made out of chickpeas (primarily...I think) and I eat it with pretzels, why it must be really great for me!  Don't care.  I love it.  I picked up a thing of Sabra's "super spicy" this past weekend and it was weak as fuck.  Tasted fine but I expected molten diarrhea.  You lie, Sabra!

Soup - Tomato with Grilled Cheese.  No one ever looks forward to this but when it gets served, you change your tune.  If you don't like tomato soup then please move back to Iran.  In college, my buddy Cap decided to take years off of his life one day by eating as many grilled cheese sandwiches (with tomato soup for dipping) as he could.  He got to, I think, 9 and one bite of #10 before going to bed at noon and not being seen again for the next 24 hours.  A few years later, he would wipe Juan Negro's semen on his face.  Good times.

Palate Cleanser? - An All-Beef Hot Dog.  We can keep arguing forever as to what is and is not acceptable to put on a hot dog but the FACT remains that a hot dog is delicious.  You know those people who like to talk about how they are just pig sweepings and ground up raccoon pussies?  Fuck those people.  Just don't boil or microwave a hot dog.  Hot dogs are fantastic, easy to make, easy to eat on the go, and kids love them which means more chances to eat hot dogs.  Parenting is going to be easy!

Main Course - Pork Chops.  I feel like these are criminally underrated.  Watch any Food Network show and see if they even mention the pork chop.  They never do.  It is a simple cut of pig but packed with great flavor.  Plus, if there is a little ring of fat on it, it is like getting a free piece of bacon.  I would like to see the pork chop make a big comeback.

Vegetable - Cauliflower.  We will never have a Food Post based around vegetables.  You have my word, Mr. President--Jack Bauer

Side - Tater Tots.  Why aren't these more popular?  They are vastly superior to freedom fries IMO.  Awhile ago, I made chili cheese tater tots at the house and I'm pretty sure that they got the wife pregnant.

Dessert - Handful of Chocolate Chips.  I usually like to keep cookies or something in the pantry in case I have a sweet tooth at some point.  But there are times when I forgot and the only alternative is a bag of Nestle chocolate chips that may have been in there for at least two years.  You can never go wrong by dumping a nice chunk of that bag in your hand and then shoving them all in your mouth and chewing it like Tony Gwynn (no offense).  I am at my sexiest when I eat a handful of chocolate chips.

There you go.  Just a bunch of different foods that deserve more love for being great.  I'll tell you one thing: you give me a pork chop and tater tots all day long and you can stuff your duck confit in a sack, mister.  In conclusion, don't put ketchup on your hot dog.  Whoops.  Let's eat.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Back To The Future

"I must go back and make sure Ide is never born!"

As you all know, I'm an unemployed piece of shit.  I love it.  Sitting around on my chubby ass all day and doing whatever the fuck I please is a glorious reality.  But I know that in a few short months this will all come crashing down so I'm soaking up every last bit of it.  I've been doing a lot of movie watching and a lot of Netflix.  A LOT.  I started Orange is the New Black and it's just okay.  Entertaining but just okay.  If nothing else tune in for the dyke scenes and several gratuitous tit shots.  They are bountiful.  Anyway, I rewatched Back to the Future the other week (a movie Wheelz has not seen.  WUT??) and started thinking.  If time travel really existed, where would I go?  I've always been intrigued by history and it was always one of those school subjects that didn't absolutely bore me to shitting myself.

Now this isn't a post to debate the merits of time travel and whether or not it could happen.  I'm sure there are people (Cakes and Ace) who think it's TOTES possible and others (Ide and G$) who will chortle at the idea.  For the sake of argument we're saying it can happen and you can only pick 3 destinations.  Here's where my flux capacitor is taking me.

3.  The Jurassic Period
One word.  Dinosaurs.  I don't give a shit who you are or how old you are.  Everyone loves dinosaurs.  If you say you don't you're telling #IdeLies and #G$Lies to yourself.  I'm not sure exactly how long I would want to stay but the chance to see a real dinosaur in person is something I would not be able to pass up.
What I would bring back: Dinosaur egg.  For sure.  I would find a way to preserve that bitch and bring back a T-Rex egg to keep forever.  I know there would be no way to authenticate it (maybe a archaeologist or dinosaur historian could) but I would know it's real and that's all that matters.

2.  Civil War Era
OBVZ I would want to be far, far away from all the battles and bloodshed but I couldn't pass up the chance to be in the same era as the most devastating war in American History.  Family members killing each other, slavery abolished, the Lincoln assassination.  So much history packed into a 4 year period.
What I would bring back:  One of Lincoln's top hats or tons of war artifacts from the Confederate Army.  Anything Confederate related from the Civil War is huge money in today's market and it's extremely rare to find anything authentic since the Union destroyed almost everything after the surrender.

1.  The 1920's
The 20's had it all, man.  The rise of organized crime, prohibition, the stock market crashing, the great depression, Babe Ruth.  I could spend years in places like New York, Chicago and LA during the 20's.  Plus it would be a great opportunity to thwart that whole Women's Rights movement mistake.
What I would bring back:  A bottle of Speakeasy hooch or something Al Capone related.  Bur not his syphilis.  I don't want his syphilis.

It goes without saying that I will definitely find a way to make myself Biff Tannen from alternate 1985 universe in Back the Future II rich.  Short one today, dick sucks.  This is my last week in BROhio and most of my time has been spent packing 34 years away.  When I'm not cracking out on Netflix, of course.  This Sunday Wheelz and I will fucking finally be making the move down to Florida.  So since we will be sans Internet for at least a few days, next Tuesday my duties will be handled by a commenter here whom has already been informed.  I told him to make sure it's NBA related because I know you all love my NBA posts.  That's my time today.  Can't wait to read all the Indians related events Cakes and Damman would time travel back to.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Another Round of "A-Hole of the Week"

Today is Guam Liberation Day and I would like to explain to you why it is important.
In what is turning out to be the most anticipated event of the year, She$ is due one week from today.  God, I just want this to be over.  I feel like Homer waiting on his background check before he could get his gun...waiting is the hardest part.  Anyway, my biggest concern right now is that I don't want the wife's water to break at home because that would fall on my shoulders to clean up and I really don't feel like mopping up amniotic fluid ever.  Let's break that shit at work and let the Ohio Buckeyes worry about it.  Most people would probably consider this a very asshole-ish mind frame.  And you are right!

But that just leads us to today's post which I do from time to time...Asshole of the Week!  We've got some damn fine nominees this time.

Chris Kluwe!  You may remember Kluwe as a mediocre punter for the Vikings but more than likely you know him as a trouble-making gay rights activist.  The Vikings cut him (he was a distraction AND he sucked...a really double threat!) so he decided to scorch the earth and burn every bridge leading back to the NFL by outing a ton of Vikings coaches as bigots.  Now he is suing the Vikes and going on massive Twitter rants about whatever.  All I know is that if you want to be outspoken, you better be prepared to deal with the consequences.  Clearly, he is not.  And another thing, if you are going to get up on your high horse and point fingers at a coach who wants to nuke all the faggots, you better not be telling Jerry Sandusky jokes yourself.  Sorry, Chris, you douche bag, but mocking gay people is way more tolerable than laughing at child rape.  Go fuck yourself.

Chris Broussard! When does ESPN just take this guy off the air already?  Enough is enough.  I believe it was Drew who said a few weeks ago that Broussard's only "sources" are his church group and that is probably true.  HE.  KNOWS.  NOTHING.  We got to spend all weekend hearing about these "Wiggins is now on the table" rumors while reporters way better than him have adamantly refuted that story.  In FACT, the last offer that the Cavs made was Tristan/Bennett/a first round pick which is a far cry from what Broussard would have you believe.  Chris Broussard is absolutely terrible at his job.  This can't be said enough.

The Houston Astros! I'm not sure how familiar all of you are with how the MLB Draft works but it is strange.  So they draft kids and then have a 5-6 week window to sign them.  Once that window closes, they lose all rights to that kid and he goes to college or wherever but NOT into the pros (this is a very weird system).  Houston had the first pick for the third year in a row and drafted HS LHP Brady Aiken #1.  High school pitchers never get drafted in the top 5, let alone first, so you know that this kid is bananas.  An 18 year old kid with a 97 mph heater and ELITE breaking pitches would fit that bill.  MLB picks are slotted financially so the money shouldn't really be an issue.  But Houston yanked their offer this week and cut the 6.5 million dollar signing bonus in half citing "elbow concerns".  First of all, did you not have these concerns 5 weeks ago?  Second, doctors can fix whatever might be wrong.  Third, WHY DID YOU DRAFT HIM THEN!!!  The clock ran out so Aiken is no longer Astros property.  Houston just punted the #1 overall pick.  That is AWFUL business and they are getting fileted by the media as they should.  Maybe they thought that they were about to pay Brady Cakesen?  I don't know.  Either way, this defines "epic fail".

Colby Lewis!  Read this and try not to SMDH while you are doing so.  This is embarrassing.  What a cocksucker.  HOW DARE HE TRY TO GET ON BASE.

People That Dislike Les Miles! Lester is turning an American treasure.  Every time that he meets with the media these days, it is pure gold.  Him talking about the World Cup at SEC Media Day was just the best.  How can anyone hate this guy?  I love Les Miles.

Harold Reynolds! During the All Star Game, She$ said "Who is this guy?  He is really annoying."  Of course she was referring to Reynolds who is rotten and should not be on TV.  Another big fuck you to Fox for not even mentioning Tony Gwynn.  How hard would it be to do an In Memoriam segment in between innings during the ASG?  That would be really cool IMO.  But back to Harold, I never thought that I would miss Tim McCarver yet here I am.

So who is the Asshole of the Week?  I'm giving it to Kluwe because someone who is an advocate for tolerance should be aware that there is going to be backlash to strong takes.  Plus, he appears to be pro Jerry Sandusky with his love for gays and disdain for child innocence.  Bold stance there.

Friday, July 18, 2014

You Can't Have The ESPYs and Not Have The IDESYs

Robbie Football is still better than Brady Quinn
If ESPN can make up their own award show that does not matter at all then why can't we do the same thing here (other than Commenter of the Year and Money Shot Man of the Year OBVZ)?  We get about the same web traffic anyway.  The ESPYs likes to celebrate all of the best and brightest of the past year in sports.  Yeah, that's great but we already know who won the titles.  What we really need is to determine who are the WORST.  Here, that question is easy because the answer is always "Ide".  And thus the IDESYs are born.  Maybe this becomes an annual thing.  Maybe these awards being annual is just another #IdeLie.  Either way, Paul Pierce is going to be there despite our lack of wheelchair ramps!

I figured that this awards show could also be hosted by Drake because Drake sucks and would fit in well with our award winners tonight.  Here is a fun FACT: I don't know anything about Drake the rapper.  I've never heard one song of his.  All I know is that he wants to blow EVERYONE in the sports world and is a Canadian.  Ironically, Money Shot Man of the Year Rob Ford is a Canadian and does everyone's blow.  Count it.  Wait a minute--maybe the Money Shot Man of the Year should always host the IDESYs?  That's a hell of an idea (Lou Brown voice).  Anyway, let's hand out some hardware.  Instead of a trophy, you get a regular brick.  It's what you deserve as the year's worst.

Worst NFL Player - Brandon Weeden - He's Dallas's problem now!
Worst MLB Player - Nick Swisher - It doesn't get much worse than an unproductive douche bro. CHA BRAH!
Worst NBA Player - Josh Smith - He's just a loser with a terrible basketball IQ.
Worst NHL Player - Alex Ovechkin - What the fuck happened to this guy? The only thing worse than his NHL play is his international success.

Worst Comeback Performance - Robert Griffin III - I'm a straight shooter. I've got to call a spade a spade no offense.  This was not a good year for RG3-13.

Worst Coach - Mike Brown - I will never, ever forget the game last year when the Cavs lost to the Lakers while LA had to play a guy who had already fouled out for the final four minutes and the Cavs still got beat handily.
Worst Assistant Coach - Luke "FagNasty" Fickell - He should be mopping jizz. People that defend this guy are lunatics.

Worst Fantasy Performance - The Iceman - In his own wedding program, he lists "Dominating Fantasy Football" as a hobby yet always finishes dead last. He did troll Ide by playing a Train song as the wedding party was leaving so that was pretty ELITE.
Worst Female Athlete - Lolo Jones - She made the Olympics in two sports! HOWEVAH, she sucked at both of them and may have been ripped in half by Suh's dong. Not a good year for America's favorite interracial "virgin".

Worst Breakthrough Performance - Andy Dalton - Bengals fans thought that he would make the leap last year. Instead, he jumped into the Rumpke landfill with one of his typical playoff stinkbombs.
Worst Record-Breaking Performance - Tiger Woods - He's been stuck on 14 majors for a coon's age. WIN SOMETHING AGAIN.

The Chris Benoit Coward Award - Daniel Snyder - He could be making a strong move by changing the Redskins team name and making America happy. Instead, he clings on to weirdo heritage claims and that the name is meant to honor and nothing makes sense. You really have to hand it to Dan regarding how delusional he is.

Worst Play of the Year - Jason Kidd's accidental spill - Kidd is a total shithead.
Worst Choke - Peyton Manning - Go figure. Sometimes it happens later than usual but Pey Pey always gags. To be clear, dude is not OVERRATED and he is ELITE, but those who call him the best of all time are straight up fucking wrong.

Worst Championship Performance - The US Men's National Team - 1-2-1! THIS WAS CONSIDERED A MONSTER SUCCESS! Look, people like to point and laugh and talk shit about the city of Cleveland and their 50 years of no titles and heartbreak. Well, Cleveland is the Boston Celtics compared to US Soccer. If pro sports was Henry County, the NFL would be Naptown and US Soccer would be Pleasant Bend. No one gives a shit and it is barely in the county. ELITE analogy.  No guff...that is an ELITE analogy.

Worst Team - 2013 Miami RedHawks Football - Oh yeah, baby! Don't Treadwell, on his way up to accept his award, punted 3 times. This team will go down in the history books as one of the worst to ever play any sport. The numbers back it up. I don't even know if I watched one second half play all season of this bunch. Truly inspirational in a God awful kind of way.

Worst Athlete - Landon Donovan - No one else really came close. He was the face of a shitty team that got cut from said shitty team and then shitty team went on to be just as shitty as usual. Donovan is not only shit but he is easily replaceable feces. That's impressive.

Thank you all for coming out tonight!  While some of these winners may be debated for ages, let's not forget what really matters here and that is that YOU ALL SUCK!  If you have been invited to an award show named after Brooklyn's biggest douche bag then you have failed miserably and need to make serious changes.  FUCK YOU, IDE.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Math: Please Excuse My Emo

Disclaimer: This is a rambling, wandering, personal, pointless, and selfish post. But there isn't anything else that I can possibly spend more than two minutes thinking about without my mind drifting back to the issue at hand. So I apologize in advance if this wasn't what you were hoping for today.

I get lost in my own head a lot. I can drive for hours by myself with the radio off and be perfectly content because I can just be there and go through every angle of every situation in life. And driving up the rocky coast of Maine, sun shining, waves crashing, and windows down with Mrs. Ace passed out in the passenger seat is the perfect storm for me to get completely lost in my mind. Vacations are good for this sort of thing.

As I mentioned briefly in the comments last week, I found out I would be the target of a Children's Services investigation...for NOT restraining a client who was NOT a threat to himself or anyone around him. And during these types of investigations your organization totally abandons you. No communication, internal investigation, no assistance while speaking with CS, and a steadily increasing distance between you and your supervisor. I can't go into details, but it's total bullshit. It's especially total bullshit because I have called CS several times in the past about concerns over my own clients home lives only to have them do nothing and clients go on continuing to be abused because the system is so fucked. Like having a client who was sexually abused, and has now admitted to doing those same acts to a younger sibling, and CS doesn't even attempt to remove this client from that environment. That is what we call neglect, but apparently it doesn't apply to them. Being in a position of direct care, but not having the power or authority to do anything to help your client's do anything other than survive is a real fucking trip. But that's not what this post is about.

What the fuck do I really want to do? That's the thought that really dominates my mind on those lonely drives, especially with the potential change in employment status looming. And depending on the time or day there could be a million answers.

I want to get the fuck out of Ohio for no reason in particular.

I want to start a charter school because most of the ones around here are shit and just a money grab. Watching struggling kids fall through the cracks just to be ignored and struggle even more is frustrating.

I want to buy a bunch land outside of the city and open a dog rescue. That's a pretty fucking silly dream. Even sillier, I want to open a dog rescue attached to a restaurant/pub, so people can get buzzed and decide to take a dog home. Irresponsible and silly. But man I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about that possibility every single day.

The grass is always greener, right?


Tuesday morning I was going through my usual blog roll and read Grumpy's post from Monday. Here's a excerpt:
"Over the July 4th weekend friends who now live in Las Vegas came to Cincinnati to visit with their 4 month old son. The paternal grandparents had people over Saturday night to meet the baby and congratulate the new parents in person. Really cute kid, very photogenic and nary a complaint while being passed among strangers. But here's what I was thinking: In 18 yrs., when Jake graduates from high school, I likely won't be there to see it. It's simple math, really. It's how I've started to view the future, by doing the math."
Sunday night I got a call my mom saying she was taking my dad to the ER because he has had indigestion for over 12 hours and can't get rid of the discomfort in his chest. At about midnight I got another call saying he was being transferred to a heart and vascular hospital in Toledo because it's obviously more serious than indigestion. Now this isn't anything new to us. My dad had a triple aortic bypass in '07 and two subsequent hernia operations, both full of complications. So him being transferred wasn't a huge shock. But it's obviously something. My dad is one tough and stubborn SOB who has been through hell and back in his life. From being an orphan, to a child whose only purpose was a farmhand, to Vietnam, and beyond, he's been through the gauntlet. And if he agrees to go to the hospital it's a concern.

Monday afternoon my mom calls, stumbling over every word trying to hold back tears because she still thinks I'm 12 when it comes to things like this, saying it's serious. She doesn't need to say anything else. I tell my supervisor I'm leaving and won't be back tomorrow and not sure about the rest of the week. I didn't need to wait for her response, I was on auto-pilot. I'm sure any child would do the same in this situation, but as an only child it's not even a decision. You just fucking do it.

As I arrive at the hospital we are just getting the official news; open heart surgery. Fuck. Right before I get into the room the surgeon decides to tell my mom, "this procedure will lengthen his life". He walks out and she is fucking hysterical. How the fuck are we supposed to take that? Lengthen his life? That's something I expect to hear when somebody is terminal and trying to live for another 6 months. Not MY dad.


So my dad is sitting in his hospital, disgusted that he has to sit there for 4 days waiting for surgery. A nurse comes into the room and asks to check his EKG or some medical bullshit. Before she does it, she asks if it would be okay if a couple nursing students came in to observe. He obliges.

Nurse: "Come a little closer, I'm just going to hook these clamps his port. It won't effect anything." (Hooks clamp)
My Dad: "(While convulsing uncontrollably)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!"
All the students jump back and the nurse lets out a squeak.

He's getting his money's worth if they are keeping him in that hellhole.


The Math.

I get lost in my own mind a lot. Since Monday I have had a conversation with a surgeon about my dad dying at least 30 times in my head. Anything can spark it and it's the exact same conversation every time. And I know it's coming but I feel like I shouldn't stop myself because it's something that I need to be prepared for. The surgeon said this operation has about a 98% success rate, but I'll be damned if I can think about anything other than that 2% right now. 

My dad is 66. The average male who lives to be 65 can expect to live to be 84 years old. With his previous health issues I have to think he would find himself in the below average group. Even if by some miracle Mrs. Ace pushed out a baby this morning, my dad still probably wouldn't see my son graduate high school. That's a real fucking sobering truth. It's not like this is the first time I have ever thought about these things. And I'm sure most of you guys have had similar thoughts. But when that reality is staring you dead in the face and there's no way you can brush it aside it's a tough pill to swallow.

By the time most of you read this my dad will be in the middle of surgery. And that's about the only thing that I can predict as far as the next few days go. Hopefully I'm just being a pussy and my dad will be out of the hospital in four days. But he has a knack for turning 4 day stays into 8 day nightmares. But hey, here's to hoping.

The majority of us are around that age where our parents' eventual demise is becoming more unavoidable to our conscience. I can't even imagine what that might feel like while having a kid to think about on the complete opposite end of that spectrum. I don't really think there is a good way to end this. But if you made it through all of this your reward is proof that Ide has went full hipster on us.

I appreciate your well wishes in advance. And if you're the praying type, feel free to pray that the surgeon is fucking nails today.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It's Still All About The Cavaliers, Bruh

Cleveland being Cleveland
Enough time has passed since my short-lived LeBron-inspired strike from Friday for me to give some official strong takes regarding The Homecoming or whatever the hell morons have decided to dub it.  It is still surreal to me that this is where we are.  The Cavs went from laughing stock and complete disaster of a franchise to immediately the #1 most popular non-NFL pro sports team in the entire country.  That is quite the immediate turn around.  You can be completely stupid and make arguments about who deserves and does not deserve this (yes for the fans, hell no for the owner) but the deal is done so you better accept that we're relevant again, BRAH.  I'm bullet-pointing some takes (sorry, Your Biggest Stan!).

*This really is a happy ending.  For the most part, the national consensus (outside of Spaniards from Little Havana) absolutely love this decision.  I agree.  The one mega-athlete in all of America had one flaw on his resume and it was rectified on Friday.  Whether he wins or loses in Cleveland somehow doesn't matter as much (it still does, don't get me wrong) because hatchets were buried and burnt bridges were rebuilt.  In a cynical world full of assholes, Ides, and trolls, this is a feel good story.

*We can finally stop the comparisons to Jordan.  Why?  Because LeBron fucking said so.  Not 5, not 6, not 7 isn't important to him anymore.  His ONLY goal now is 1.  HE wants to be THE ONE.  The One to end a 50 year drought for the people who have loved and supported him for his entire life.  Some media cockbags mocked LeBron's love for Ohio and how much it means to him and fuck those people.  LeBron is right.  There is a certain amount of pride that Ohioans share.  It is a blue collar state that has fallen on hard times and is constantly told how much they suck.  But it is still home and always will be for some of us and the best athlete on the planet.  That's cool as shit.  His legacy and career rankings will be whatever some asshole with a laptop says it is anyway.  The only thing that he can do is finish off what he promised: to bring a championship to Cleveland.  If he can take care of that, THAT will be his finest accomplishment as a basketball player and he will be judged accordingly for it.  I just think that this frame of mind is so--for lack of a better word--neat.  He is openly calling out the title-less streak of Cleveland and going after it balls to the wall.  Be careful, though, LeBron, this streak isn't going down without a massive fight.  If you can bring a title to Cleveland, that means more than Kobe having 5 rings.  FACT.  And history will judge you accordingly.

*But what about that contract?  It makes perfect sense why he would sign for such a short term.  The salary cap is about to sky rocket and he wants to keep getting what he's worth.  After all, the last few years in the league, MJ signed a bunch of one year deals, too.  BUT, this is where The Decision comes into play.  While I can't believe that after the letter last week, he would leave two years later and everything he said eludes to him retiring a Cavalier, I'm still keeping my guard up.  I don't think that any Cavs fan will be able to 100% trust him again.  Which is fine because who gives a fuck if the fans don't have 100% trust in you.

*So where do the Cavs stand in the East as currently constructed?  Probably in the top 2 depending on how much Derrick Rose actually plays this year (over/under is .5 games).  They should be able to run a lot of teams off the floor.  I don't think that the Cavs are done though.  They need shooters and a rim protector still.

*You trading Wiggins for Kevin Love then?  Hoo boy, that's the dilemma, isn't it and I would love to get everyone's reaction.  First of all, this doesn't need to happen any time soon.  There is no reason to wheel and deal now.  Clearly, Minny isn't getting any decent offers.  IMO the Cavs are the ONLY option.  Second, that pretty much gives us all the leverage.  If Love wants to play with LeBron, all he has to do is tell Flip Saunders (idiot) that he won't sign long term anywhere but Cleveland and that could be the case anyway.  It's better to wait this out as Minnesota is going to get desperate. 

*Have you seen Wiggins and Bennett play in Vegas?  They look pretty damn good (granted it is Summer League but it's better than playing like manure).  I don't think that you can deal Wiggins.  Let's be honest, Kevin Love fractures his hands every at an alarming rate and this seems to be an issue with him.  With Kyrie not being the most reliable guy in the league either, it would be a risk to tie up 80-90% of your cap with two of your Big Three having injury concerns.  Granted, when all three are healthy, the team would be insane.  It's not like Love is the only option out there anyway.  He's just the best option.  I stand by the team when they say that Wiggins is unavailable.  We have plenty of other assets to help the Wolves rebuild.  Maybe down the road they do the Wiggins for Love swap but that doesn't need to be entertained in July. 

This roster and franchise is just absolutely fascinating though which is great because I'm sure as shit not doing a live blog of the All Star Game.  Use this post to discuss anything free agency related or throw shade at Cavs fans or whatever.  Just admit that LeBron James giving up on the quest toward Jordan to battle The Curse is an incredibly interesting turn in his career.  I can't wait to see how this plays out (goes up for dunk in first preseason game--->somehow dies upon landing--->GUARANSHEED).

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The MoneyShot Home Run Derby

MoneyShot Home Run Derby Trophy

So after G$'s mildly ELITE home run derby post, I started thinking.  Who would win a home run derby out of the commenter section?  Let's split up teams and find out.  (For the record, that All Time Napoleon Little League Team talked about in the comments late yesterday needs to be created)  There will be three teams of five players each, picked by the three writers of this ground breaking blog.  Since I thought of this idea last minute, I'm just picking guys I think G$ and Ace would want on their teams instead of actually asking them.  I pick first because I'm the best writer here.  But first, let's assess the talent with my MoneyShot player profiles.

Pros: Hates Seal.  Can get under almost anyone's skin.  Drinks a lot of beer resulting in a decent derby physique.
Cons: Sexually obsessed with 17 year old black athletes.  Searches Internet for Urban Meyer nudes.  Beats off to Thad Matta nudes when he comes up empty.

Pros: Is a home run derby legend.  Played under the tutelage of Walt Behrman.  One of the few people here who actually played high school baseball (I think).
Cons: Wants to smell John Manziel's boner.  Chubby chaser.  Would take a Paul Keels load deep inside his anus.

Pros: Misplaced sense of self confidence.
Cons: Lies about everything.  Will probably say he once struck out Mike Trout on 3 straight pitches.  Will probably also say he can throw a 100MPH fastball with his non dominant hand.  Definitely won't hit a ball out of the infield.

Pros: None
Cons: Runs a 6 flat 40 yard dash on a good day.  Is the Milhouse of the MoneyShot.  Wants a Gordon/Manziel 3-way.  Biggest sports homer alive.  Plays golf alone.  Oddly obsessed with the weather.  Snow gets his dick harder than a naked woman does.

Pros: Saw Honus Wagner play live. Will probably bring Werthers or Cracker Jack with him to the park.  Has played on white only ball fields.  Could die on the field.
Cons: Fucking old.  Likes to fuck oak trees.  Steeler fan; endorses rape.  Stamina low due to being over 100 years old.  Could die on the field.

Pros: Perfectly sculpted 5 o'clock shadow looks drawn on by a sharpie.
Cons: Metrosexual.  Will spend more time taking selfies with his exclusive.  Will ask you to remove the robot security from the blog so he can comment more then won't show up.  Reminds me of Steve Polychronopolous.  Most likely owns a lot of v-neck tshirts.

Pros: Whitest guy on the blog means probably the most fundamentally sound mechanics.  More of a Clemson fan than a Buckeye fan.
Cons: Steeler fan; endorses rape.  Supports the Buckeyes in at least a limited role.  Eats his own boogers.

Pros: Tall.  Tall guys usually hit pretty well.  Natural AFFLETE who called Coach Carter the N-word. Nap town roots that breeds a winning mentality.
Cons: West coast faggot that got soft from beach life.  Told an #IdeLie about a fictional game called "Line Ball" yesterday.  Whiskey snob.

Pros: Has the rage of a serial killer.  Has scored a hole in one on the golf course (has to count for something).  Hates Drew.
Cons: Indians fan; supports failure.  Loves to fuck horses watch the Kentucky Derby.  Attended Kentucky so is most likely inbred.

The Wild Cards:  I don't know much about these players so I will assume they all have roughly the same skill set.
Ohio Nate

Now let's choose the sides.  The order will be Iceman, G$ then Ace.

Round 1
Iceman chooses Damman
G$ chooses Prime
Ace chooses Drew

Round 2
Iceman chooses Seal
G$ chooses Jeff
Ace chooses Ide

Round 3
Iceman chooses Cakes
G$ chooses Grumpy
Ace chooses Dut

Round 4
Iceman chooses Larry
G$ chooses Nibbles
Ace chooses Ohio Nate (Mr. Irrelevant)

Clearly Team Iceman is the winner of this draft by snagging legendary derby player and consensus #1 overall, Damman.  I probably reached a little for Seal in round 2 but I needed that insanity edge that Seal brings with his blind Hulk rage.  Cakes fucks up once and I'll replace him with Tonya.  Or a bag of my turds.  And I'm just hoping that Larry has picked up a baseball bat at least once in his life.  Team Iceman taking home the MoneyShot Golden Dick Trophy for sure!  Look on the bright side...this could have been a basketball post.

Monday, July 14, 2014

When The Home Run Derby Actually Mattered

I'm coming home.  Coming home.  Tell the world I'm coming home.
Hoo boy, today marks the first of the three worst days of the year if you are a sports fan.  You have the Derby tonight, the All Star Game tomorrow, and the ESPYs on Wednesday.  That's it.  BY DESIGN.  Nothing else is happening.  Granted, after the nonsense of "back-back-backs" this evening, we get to the crown jewel of the sport AKA The Taco Bell Celebrity Softball Game.  I spoiled it last week that James Denton (has not acted in 10 years but still shows up every year anyway) is back for the 40th year in a row and I can also confirm that NELLY HAS RETURNED!  He hasn't played since the game in STL and he was fantastic (Bobby Knight played 1B that year and it was so LULZ).  Nelly is the best.  That leads me to Kevin Love who might be the first ever celebrity softball player to rescind his commitment to this fine game.  I mean, it makes sense.  He's about to leave Minneapolis so he probably doesn't want to get booed even though no one can blame him for wanting out but still--I lost a lot of respect for K-Love when he bailed on the softball game.  There are some things you that you just don't do.

But before that, we have the Home Run Derby.  If you ever wanted to watch Brian Dozier and Todd Frazier hit batting practice to the sounds of Chris Berman's gin-soaked dulcet tones then boy do I have an event for you!  I have no idea how or why people watch this.  It is SO BORING.  The Home Run Derby makes a regular baseball game seem like storming the beaches of Normandy.  If any of you watch this, shame on you.

I do want to talk about the concept of the home run derby though.  Watching a derby fucking blows.  But actually participating in a Derby, on the other hand, is ELITE.  I'd like to think that all of us have enjoyed a Derby at some point in our lives so let's discuss that today.

The key to a successful derby IMO is that you have to have teams as opposed to individuals.  That way, the best slugger can get paired with the slap hitter.  It's all about an even playing field.  I preferred teams of either 3 or 4 per side.  Two guys makes the fielder have to work his ass off and 5+ means less swings.  Three or four is perfect.

Next up, you have to find an acceptable venue.  In Nap, there were a few choices.  You could ride your bike out to Oakwood (above) but when there are thick woods behind the fence of every field, you run the risk of losing a lot of baseballs.  If you went down to Riverdowns, you are white trash.  That left Glenwood Park AKA The Mecca of Home Run Derby.  What a facility!  It was perfect.  Beyond LF you had Iceman's urban prison basketball court.  CF was the city pool and RF featured the picturesque Napoleon Municipal Golf Course (9 Holes of Heaven).  It was absolutely gorgeous (plus it was close to my house).  The fence was 180 feet so it wasn't hard to put one out.  HOWEVAH, Glenwood Park has the legendary DOUBLE FENCE feature.  Oh man, what a feature!  Beyond the original fence was a second fence about another 80-100 feet and in between was where other teams warmed up while Little League games were being played. So let's say that the double fence was a solid 275-300 feet.  That's quite a poke for a 12-14 year old.  Not to brag, but I've hit balls a lot farther than that in my life yet I was never able to conquer the double fence in my derby days. 

I saw it happen twice though.  Cramer did it and so did Damman.  It was stunning and truly awe-inspiring.  One of them, I think it was Damman, shattered the windshield of Etoll's van on the fly which still makes me laugh like a bastard to this day because the Ayatollah didn't even care that much.  You will never see Etoll's face on an Ayatollah Assahollah t-shirt (count it).  The Double Fence was a milestone for all Glenwood Derb-iers but it was nearly a guarantee that you were breaking someone's windshield and the game would end.  Fuck it.  It was worth it to see such a moon shot simply due to the rarity of the event.

Now we get to the rules that we usually played by.  Since the numbers were often limited and thus the defense couldn't cover a ton of ground, any ball hit to the opposite field that was not a dinger was an automatic out.  This was never debated.  It was understood.  If you can't pull the ball then fuck you.  Derek Jeter would have been mediocre player by these rules.  Robbing dongs was encouraged.  If you put a guy in between the fences, any catch was not considered an out though.  Of course, you had to lob the ball.  I'm pretty sure that someone complained every inning that the pitcher was throwing too hard which is hilarious because no pitcher ever broke 40 mph.  For some reason, doubles and triples were allowed (which makes no sense) but I forgot how those were judged.  That should have never happened.  Over the fence or GTFO.  And, finally, the only rule that mattered: When Cramer rolled up his sleeves and turned his hat backwards like Griffey, HE MEANT FUCKING BUSINESS.  God, he looked like such a chach when he did that shit.  LOLZ!

I have many fond memories of Home Run Derby and I find it insulting that a large segment of America thinks that what ESPN televises tonight is that.  It isn't.  Tonight, it will end an hour later than it should when someone that you don't care about hits the State Farm ball into the third deck.  Whatever.  The only way a Derby should properly end is when the Cramer Brothers start fighting each other or a car gets destroyed.  FACT.  So let's share some memories in the comments today and you can thank me later for not having more LeBron takes (and I have them in the holster, bruh).

Friday, July 11, 2014

I'm Going On Strike

That's it.  I've waited long enough to write this post tonight (last night obvz) and old what's his name still hasn't figured out what he wants to do.  Jesus fucking Christ--it's where you are going to live for the next three or four years.  It isn't picking which one of your sons lives or dies (his best friend's a talking pie!).  This shouldn't be taking so long!  So I'm not going to create any of my usual original ELITE content.  I am calling him out and if no one else can get James to act, then maybe his favorite blogger can.  SAY ANYTHING.  You would think that with him off to the World Cup tomorrow, he would make up his mind at some point today.  But I doubt it.  He should pull an A-Rod and pick his next team during the soccer game.  That would be monster LULZ.

I guess here are some topics if you need something:

*Did you all watch the video for the "COOLEST" cooler above?  I'm calling bullshit on that product.  And that lady making margaritas with cooler ice...GROSS.  Once that ice hits the cooler, it is not edible.  If this is really the COOLEST, then where is the Fleshlight portal like on that revolutionary iPad thing???  I rest my case.

*The Yankees/Indians series is over.  Did we take 3 out of four?  If so then Cakes has to trade me Chris Sale.  High stakes!  HIGH CAKES!

*The best commercial on TV is for the Honda Fit with the rock-climbing bros.  "Can it go off-road, BRAH?" "CHA, BRAH!" Never fails to make me giggle like a bastard.

*Germany vs. Argentina AKA where the Nazis lived vs. where the Nazis hid...who ya got?  I'm German so they will probably lose.  That Messi cat is a real nerd though.

*If you are in the G$FL and have not re-enlisted, get the fuck back in.  Right now I am favoring a Labor Day Monday draft day.  Either way, Drool and I will need to come up with another bet.  The last wager got me on Twitter and we all know that that was a blessing.

*Mayor Coleman is apparently trying to woo the 60 million dollar Stone Brewing Co brewery or whatever to call central Ohio home.  This shit any good?  Should I know about this already?  I probably should.  If you name your beer 25% after Stone Cold Steve Austin then you have to be incredible.

*Big Brother...we can always talk about Big Brother.  BRING BACK THE SABOTEUR!

*FYI I am two weeks away (give or take) from being some kid's father.  Anyone have any questions as to how I'm doing?  I installed the car seat bases last weekend.  There is no way that those fucking things are safe.

I'll be in Cincinnati tomorrow for a wedding (ignoring Grump).  I usually like to get shithouse drunk during these events but with a missus ready to pop, I may have to be responsible (not my strong suit when free booze is present).  That should be interesting.  Please get me drunk, OHNate.  Make your wife take care of mine if she goes into labor during the reception and we can stay and get rocked all night.  Sounds like a winning plan.  I'll be back on Monday with a breakdown of the Taco Bell Celebrity Softball Game rosters (James Denton...CONFIRMED!) if you know who finally makes up his mind.  Don't deprive me of that, LeBron.  CHA BRAH!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Pinch-Shitting For Mr. Ace Its...CAKES TAKES!!!

That's half-lightning and half Cakes' man-frosting
Ace is off somewhere living off the land, hugging a moose and tapping syrup from a tree. Or Is that Vermont? Doesn't matter I guess. New England is terrible and all those people sound like they were rode hard and put away wet while working at the docks. Anyway he asked me to fill in today. Apparently, it was without G$'s permission which makes it even better. I'm like an internet renegade. I'm often mistaken for James Dean so it all makes sense.

A couple years ago, Nicky Sabecakes somehow morphed over a couple days into my new nickname, Cakes. This makes Prime an asshole because he's the one who started it. I didn't embrace it at first. I mean, christ, a bunch of guys call me Cakes. On the internet. It just sounds slimy. But after the great work internet scandal of '13 (looking at you, Ice), I decided to embrace it and become the best damn Cakes I can be!

Since today is a rare day where we don't have to suffer through NBA trade calculator posts, let's talk about random stuff. And since I'm the one in charge and drunk with power right now, it's going to be all about random stuff that interests me! Gather round for a good ol' mail-in post, kids! It's what Ace would've wanted.

JOHNNY FOOTBAW - Can we GIVE IT A REST already? I think we all understand that Iceman is a choir boy who doesn't want anybody to have any fun. He claims to be a Browns fan but I'm growing more suspicious by the day. Everything that comes out of his mouth is some soapbox rant about our beloved team and how he doesn't like them. He was even sucking off the Pats and Steelers the other day. That's bordering on an unforgiveable offense. Clean it up, Iceman.

Johnny's antics have been well known for three fucking years now. He likes Vegas. He likes inflateable swans. He likes money phones. I'm leaving out the part about liking Bieber on purpose because even I, the biggest of Browns homers, don't have an answer for that one. Regardless of what he does on the weekends or who he hangs out with ON HIS FREE TIME, he hasn't played one snap for the Cleveland Browns. That means he's still in the god category where we all salivate at the possibility of what he might do on the field. I'm not going to waste my precious internet time bitching and moaning about a 21 year old millionaire partying. We were all that age once with only a fraction of the party resources this guy enjoys. I shudder to think what would've become of me had I been afforded the same opportnities.

Almost every time Manziel has been put in front of a defense, he's balled out HARD. Until he throws three picks and costs the Browns a football game, I don't give a shit what he does unless he falls into Gordon territory.

SEVERE WEATHER SEASON - After a winter featuring multiple appearances by the polar vortex, blizzards and paid days off for me to get drunk on, the severe weather season has gotten off to a disappointing start. As many of you know, major weather events get me hard as fuck. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because weather is boring 98% of the time. Maybe it's because I missed my calling as a Meterologist in college because I was chasing tail and drinking Natty. Or maybe it was the forced, uncomfortable viewing of 'The Wizard of OZ' with Stan Stachak in his dark, drab basement as a kid (DISCLAIMER: may not have happened). Whatever it is, I often plan my drinking nights according to the latest weather models. There's nothing better than sitting on your deck, downing a beer and watching the latest runs on your brand new weather app.

Storms in the spring/summer and winter don't follow the same rules. In the winter, you are often tracking storms for DAYS which gives you lots of internet time to dissect them. Snow storms are often watched and warned many moons before they actually hit. That gives you a reason to mow down old people at the store because that's YOUR box of Cheez-Its damnit! Have you ever been in a store during the last day before a blizzard hits? It's unbelieveable. If the zombies ever do come, we are fucked as a civilization. Order turns to mayhem in a matter of hours. It's fascinating how close we are to a total meltdown at any given point. Humans AMIRITE?!

Storms in the summer are much harder to pinpoint but more exciting. Forecasters often can give you a general area where severe weather is expected but there is just no way to guarantee where a tornado or damaging storm might hit. The roulette factor makes spring storms sexier. That's the time of year we are in and it's been shit so far. I've witnessed one, maybe two good storms so far. NW Ohio has only had one Severe Thunderstorm watch and zilch for Tornado activity. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any towns leveled by a tornado but I desperately want to see one on the ground before I die. The closest I've come is witnessing a funnel cloud over BG in the early aught's. That's not going to relieve my throbbing weather boner. It only gives me blue balls. Has anyone seen one live and in person? I'm sure Grumpy has from a covered wagon on the plains.

GOLF - I've always enjoyed golf. I played it in high school and got quite good because of the free 9 holes at Brandywine everyday for "practice". I put practice in quotations because I'd probably be a lot better if my cronies and I weren't stoned out of our minds for all of those rounds. Weed is a fickle drug. Sometimes it makes you really good and sometimes you pull your drive into some fat guy in another tee box. While funny, that's not where you want the ball to go. LONG AND STRAIGHT BABY!  (Ed. note: Cakes was the Josh Gordon of the AWHS golf wonder he defends that thug)

Anyway, I've always played a few rounds here and there every summer but this year I'm ALL IN. I've been out probably 15 times so far and I'm actually considering lessons to tighten up my game. My drives have been awesome for the most part and i feel like I could hit anything from 150 with the seven iron right now. It feels amazing to be marginally good again. There is no question that Golf is one of the hardest sports out there. Aside from hitting a major league fastball, I don't think there is anything much harder than completing a good golf shot.

What are your best shots of the year so far? Do you have a favorite course? Any funny horrible shot stories? Those are sometimes better than knocking one three feet from the pin on a 174 yard Par 3. Why was that so specific? Because I did it yesterday!! I want, no I need at least on hole-in-one in this life. I know people who have several and others who have played for 40 years without one. That's just fucking wrong, man. Everyone should get to experience that at least once. I don't know what I would even do. Probably be promptly kicked out and asked to never come back.

Is The Moneyshot golf outing still a thing?

That's it for me. I want to thank nobody for letting me fill in today. Hope Ace comes back with some sweet Maine stories (LOL) for us to rip apart next Thursday. Until next time, go fuck yourself.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Is Today The Day That LeBron Makes His Choice

Probably not. I mean, I would doubt it. I suppose that it could happen today but no one knows. What we do know is that LeBron and his "team" met with Pat Riley last night (probably at a tanning salon) in Vegas which you would presume is the final meeting of the LeBron-a-thon 2014. So what now? Fuck if I know. Hell, the decision could have already been made by the time that this posts rendering this blog worthless. It would be the first time in this site's history that the content would be pointless. We're like Cal Ripken around here except we have talent unlike him. There is obviously a ton of horseshit and speculation floating around and I'm here today to help sift through the nonsense. We're going to go with the old "ask myself questions" format.

Q. Let's get this one out of the way first: Do you honestly see Dan Gilbert Fonseca and LeBron James working together again?
A. That really is the big fucking elephant dick in the room, isn't it?  I'd like to think so but I'm not a filthy rich successful person who doesn't like to apologize for anything.  To be perfectly honest, I do have a hard time seeing these two guys work together again.  I'm not saying it is impossible because there are tons of money and legacy that can be achieved, but both would have to eat some shit to get there.

Q. Aren't you getting tired of this shit?
A. A little but I am invested so whatever.  If I wasn't, though, DEAR GOD THIS WOULD BE SO ANNOYING.

Q. Why would LeBron leave a team that went to four straight Finals for a franchise that won 33 games last season and is run worse than FEMA?
A. Well, let's be honest here.  The Heat roster is pretty weak at the moment and it isn't going to get much better.  So far, re-shaping the team has meant drafting a college PG and signing Josh McRoberts and Danny Granger.  That's pretty bad.  And the bigger named free agents aren't going to sign up for way below market value before finding out if LeBron is going to sign long term.  It's the same thing as his last few years in Cleveland.  Him not committing gave good players zero reason to sign on.  No one wants to get to stuck in a shitty situation.  On the other hand, the Cavs have an interesting roster.  It's much more enticing than people give it credit simply because it is extremely flexible.

Q. LeBron's agent, Rich Paul, is apparently pushing hard for James to come back home. You buying this?
A. Who gives a fuck?  This is LeBron's call, not his childhood buddy/agent.  Worry about the financials, Rich, and let your boss tell you who you need to negotiate with.

Q. Some are suggesting that since Paul is also Tristan Thompson's agent that he would be using LeBron James to get Double T a monster contract. How fucking stupid is that?
A.Very fucking stupid.  Tristan is a decent player but he is not being factored into any of this.  If it means getting max money under the cap, they will send Tristan out of town so damn fast for a 2020 2nd round pick.  He is expendable.  He is not a deal breaker.  SO DUMB FOR REAL.

Q. Seriously, bro, how much pull does Pat Riley actually have?
A. A lot unfortunately and this is what scares me most.  Riley can talk and he knows how to make moves.  Oh sure, if he was a real man then maybe Texas Western would have never happened, but the guy builds winners and is one of, if not the, most respected men in basketball.  Fortunately, his hands are sort of tied by everyone opting out and then for some reason wanting max money.  I honestly have no idea why Chris Bosh hasn't already signed with Houston. They are offering him 20 million more, have better and younger players, NO STATE TAX, and it is his hometown.

Q. Is it just Cleveland vs. Miami here or is there someone else?
A. Nope.  Those are the only two and everyone knows it.  It's why you see the Lakers and Bulls going after Carmelo AKA the ultimate consolation prize.  This is a two horse race and it always has been.  He was always staying in the East.

Q. OBVZ, Bron is in "ring mode" for the rest of his playing career now. He isn't going somewhere to rebuild and grow. Let's say that he signs with the Cavs. Where does this put Cleveland in the Eastern Conference in 2015?
A. Immediately the Cavs are a top 1-2 seed in the East.  The Heat would be toast and I'm taking a LeBron/Kyrie duo over everyone but Chicago and maybe Indiana if they go to therapy.  I am NOT saying that they can win a title.  I am saying that the Cavs would pretty much take Miami's place near the top of the shitty Eastern Conference.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that LeBron makes all teams ELITE.

Q. Who are the beat reporters/people that I should trust when it comes to rumors on this story?
A. We all know that Windhorst is LeBron's bitch and Mempis Broussard is one of the few people that has an in with Rich Paul apparently.  I also take Incarcerated Bob's twitter leaks seriously, too, because he does usually nail his story breaks.

Q. If the Cavs do get LeBron, then what do they do?
A. Wow.  First of all, I would shit my pants.  Second, I would immediately hop onto the internet and say nasty things to complete strangers.  Then, I would put my fantasy GM hat on, call up Flip Saunders, remind him that Kevin Love said that he would sign an extension if LeBron went to Cleveland, and trade him Waiters, Thompson or Bennett, Jack, and all three of our first round picks next year (we have three of them, bruh) for Love and Barea.  I'm not offering Wiggins.  Wiggins is off the table.  Then I decline Varejao's 9.7 million dollar deal and sign him to a longer, team-friendly contract.  I then go to war with a lineup of Irving/Wiggins/James/Love/Varejao.  You tell me that that team isn't an immediate title contender.  I dare you.  Again, that is all wishful thinking and best case scenario but--so far--everything that has happened this offseason has fit in with the best case scenario.

Q. OK, that was a big help. Thanks for wading through miles of foul-smelling shit. I appreciate it. How about a prediction on where LeBron ends up playing next year? Make a GUARANSHEED, BRAH!
A. With all that said, I think that James signs a 3 year extension with Miami because Dan Gilbert doesn't deserve him.  What we do deserve is the broken down LeBron 3 years from now wanting to end his career back at home and he is a shell of what he used to be and kind of blows.  And that will make me sad.

Q. Can you please stop writing about this stuff?
A. LOL Fuck you, me! I think that it would be really cool to see the East being decided for the next few years between Bron/Kyrie/Love/Wiggins and Melo/Rose/Noah/Dougie McBuckets.  That would be ELITE albeit a pipe dream and I understand that.

Like I said at the beginning, I think that the dominoes fall today or tomorrow or definitely by Friday.  There is no need to drag this out any longer.  The players in this game know what they have to do and have already had their say.  It's time to act.  I admit that I have my hopes up and I would be legitimately sad if he spurned the Cavs again.  It wouldn't suck as much as last time but it would still blow a lot just because there was no reason for his agent to get our hopes up only to smack us on the nose again.  And I guess that is why I hold on to that hope.  Simply because it is a total dick move to unnecessarily string us along again when he could have done that to shithead Knicks or douchey Lakers fans instead.  #COMEHOME