Monday, June 30, 2014

Welcome to BRAHzil

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Jurgen Klinsmann: Alright, boys, we made it out of the so-called Group of Death.  We now have a 1 in 16 chance of winning this thing.  You know how I feel about this...we blow and have no chance.  But you guys are probably looking for some positive reinforcement before tomorrow's match with the Belgians so I brought in a couple of guest speakers to get all of you LOSERS in the right frame of mind.  Gentlemen, the floor is yours.

John Harbaugh:  Thanks, Coach Hitler.

JK: It's Klinsmann.

Jim Harbaugh: Klansman?  It's about time that we got one of our own in the coaching ranks!

JK: No, KLINSMANN.  I am German but I am not a Nazi and I have never been in your KKK.  I am an American citizen.  And please, call me Jurgen.

John: Like the hand lotion?  Big John (point at junk) is a big fan of yours.

JK: Now you're talking about Jergens.  My name is Jurgen.

Jim: BRAH, Jergens is the stuff that Colin Kaepernick is constantly putting on his elbows.  If I'm following this guy correctly, he is saying that he is not a bottle of lotion.  Is that right?

JK: (sigh) That is correct.  I am a football coach for the US Men's National Team.

John: WHOA!  No you fucking don't, Kaiser.  WE are football coaches.  You do NOT coach football.

Jim: I call it FAGball.

John:  Fagball!  Good one, bro!  I would have never thought of that.  OK, get the hell out of here, kraut, so we can talk to your girls about how to properly get fucked by a real man.

(Klinsmann exits the locker room with a "what have I done" look on his face)

Jim: OK, up until yesterday, I was always under the impression that The World Cup is what Frank Gore used to protect his elephant dong but my cunt wife told me that it is some big soccer tournament and you boys don't look like 8 year olds so whatever.

John: Yeah, before I strangled Ray Rice's wife for being a snitch, she was really talking up how much America is getting on board with this US Soccer team.  Then Coach Hitler called us up and we weren't doing anything illegal at the time so why the hell not come down to BRAHzil, sodomize a few thousand bubble butts, kill a few thousand scumbags, talk to you losers for a few minutes, and get out of South Mexico before the local federales catch up to us?

Jim: In my opinion, you turds don't use your hands enough.  How are you supposed to punt the ball without catching the snap?

Tim Howard: In soccer, you are not allowed to use your hands.

John: What?  Why not?  Who gives the handjobs then?  I'll be honest, 90% of my speech today was going to be about handjobs so now I don't know what to talk about.  What kind of sport is this anyway?

Jim: HEY!  YOU!  GET UP HERE NOW!

Kyle Beckerman: Me?  (walks up to the brothers)

John: Nice fucking dreadlocks.  You are white.  Did you forget that while you were sucking all of your teammate's ball bags?  You are a disgrace to your race and your country.  KAH-LEE-MAHHHHHHHH!

(John rips out the heart of the cocksucker with the dreadlocks...Jim eats it)

Jim: Queers, I don't know shit about your cute little game but I do know a thing or 2 about winning.

John: Not as much as me, bruh!

Jim: Bitch please, you are OVERRATED.

John: The fuck did you say?

(the brothers take turns punching each other in the nuts for the next 30 minutes)

Clint Dempsey: Ummmm, Coach BRAHs, is Joe Flacco ELITE?

Jim and John: YES!

John: Why does everyone always ask me that?  Who do you peter puffers play tomorrow anyway?  Mars?  The Soviet Union?  A robot army?

Dempsey: Belgium.

Jim:  What the fuck?  Who?  Never heard of it.

John: Is that a fictional team or something?

Dempsey: No, Belgium is a consistently good European country about the size of Pennsylvania.

Jim: You flew us down here to motivate you to beat a state that founded The Rooney Rule and is filled with worthless Eagles fans?

(John is sodomizing the corpse of that white guy with the dreadlocks)

Jim: HITLER, GET BACK IN HERE!

JK: It's Jurgen.

John: Look Adolf, I can handle you fucking with Indiana Jones but needing us to beat a bunch of waffle-making fairies, that is unacceptable.

Jim: Ugh, OK then, don't embarrass America any more than you already embarrass your family by playing soccer.  Now, fuhrer, you promised to show us your gas chamber.

JK: I told you from the start that I am not who you keep implying me to be.  I am a soccer coach and not a dictator from the 1940s.

John: I don't like your tone, boy.  That's it.  You're done.

(Jim rips off his designer khaki pants to reveal Ned Stark's long sword hanging between his legs.  He filets the shit out of Klinsmann.  When Jim is finished, Klinsmann looks more like Pizza The Hut than a human.)

John: Incredible sword work, BRAH, now let's get the fuck out of here.  Real football starts in a month and I'm sure that we've both got a few guys needing bail money waiting on us back home.

Dempsey: Wait a minute, guys, you can't just murder our coach and leave.  One of you has to stick around and lead us into battle.

(John re-breaks Dempsey's nose...Clint is crying like a bitch)

Jim: Fuck you, faggots.  Play a real sport.  We've got actual men to coach back home.

John: BRO!  YOU JUST KILLED HITLER!  That explains why the policia haven't shown up.  I'll pick up some Hawaiian Punch and krokodil to celebrate.

Jim: Let's get back to America, bruh, we've got some history books to update.  Smell ya later, n*****s.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Open Forum: The 2014 NBA Draft

OH CANADA, CLE STANDS ON GUARD FOR THEEEEEEEE!!!
There may be a day where our Cleveland Cavaliers rue the day that they played it safe and passed on Joel Embiid, but they just couldn't do it.  I agree with all of the analysts.  JoJo has the highest ceiling BY FAR.  But the Cavs can't punt the #1 pick two years in a row.  They had to play it safe this year.  Fortunately, Andrew Wiggins is one HELL of a consolation prize.  Everyone has had a full year to pick apart his game and find minor warts but don't forget the FACT here:

Andrew Wiggins is a goddamn STUD who does EVERYTHING.   Sure, people weren't always a big fan of his aggressiveness at Kansas but he should have never been in college anyway.   He was always an NBA player and unlike Fatty Parker, he plays both ends of the court very, very well.  This just in, the Cavs don't have a lot of gritty defenders.  The FACT is that now the Cavaliers have three dynamic wing scorers.  That's a good spot to be in.  FYI, the Cavs aren't trying to draft their "Jordan" because we already have our franchise player.  We're trying to get Kyrie his Pippen.  I think that we have.

Like I said at the top, there is a decent chance that will passing on the big guy who has KILLED LIONS in his past, but we are fine.  Have you not heard that LeBron is coming back!!!  Other thoughts from the Draft:

*The stone-faced post-pick Embiid still was hilarious but wasn't really accurate.  Just typical conservative media trying to make a talented black man look like an idiot.  

*Dante Exum's dad is Perd Hapley.  Best Tweet of the night.  YA HERD?

*Bill Simmons is the absolute worst.  Here's his schtick: if he doesn't like your team or have a buddy in the front office that leaks him info, he will BURY everything that your team does.  He does this all the time.  And he is fucking terrible.  I don't know why ESPN keeps stuffing his stupid face and voice down our throats.

*Marcus Smart and Rajon Rondo get into a fist fight before the end of the first practice.  GUARANSHEED.  Poor Brad Stevens...he's going to need to hire Suge Knight as his bodyguard just for team flights.

*Congratulations, Prime, your hometown heroes finally replaced Jimmer with Canadian Jimmer!  Needless to say...YOU ON!

*Speaking of white STUDS (remember that dating show?  STUDS was not ELITE), the Bulls traded for Dougie McBuckets which makes them way more likeable.   It should be a real hoot to watch him have to play defense for Thibs.  Then again, like I said on Wednesday, his ceiling is "tremendous bench scorer" and that's good because he will never start in Chicago.  Speaking of which, word is starting to leak on Twitter (IBN) that Carmelo to the Bulls is a done deal.  Take it for what it's worth but Bob loves to break stories and he does it more often than not.

*Mitch McGary-Hoffman-Durham is going to OKC.  Yeah, that's what is holding them back from beating the Spurs...an oaf with bad piss.  Nevertheless, I would have wanted the Cavs to take him at 33.

*LEBRON GETS HIS MAN!  THE LURE HAS BEEN CAST!  SHABAZZ WILL BE THE ONE TO BRING LEBRON BACK TO SOUF BEACH!  LURE LURE LURE!

*I'm going to cut this short now with chills down my spine and maybe a watery eye.  Goddamn you, NBA.  What you did for Isaiah Austin last night was the best thing ever.  That poor guy has had to put up with a ton of unavoidable shit in his life and you did the absolute rightest thing ever by drafting him into the NBA.  Best moment of the night.  That is up there with one of the best moments in the history of the NBA Draft.

Fire off your HOT TAEKS on anything today.  Draft?  Soccer?  It doesn't matter.  Just know that Floyd Mayweather put 100K on the Cavs to win the 2014-2015 title the other day.  Why?  No fucking clue but he must know something that no one else does.  All I know is that Coach Blatz (how I will spell it) and Andrew Wiggins = SUPER BOWL!!!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! How can the USA dominate soccer?

Brazil gets it.
I'm sure the entirety of you are ALL-IN FOR TEAM USA, and know that they will take on the German squad today at noon. I'm also sure you know that the US team doesn't need to win this game to make it to the Sweet Sixteen. So here's to hoping that Portugal beats Ghana by a small margin and if the US loses, highly likely, it isn't by 4. Hooray!

Whenever the World Cup rolls around there are always some NOT-SO-HOT TAKES that range from "Soccer is going to take over the US sporting landscape" to "I like my football's oblong you fucking commie ball kickers". I imagine most of you fall closer to the latter than the former. You like your sports with hands and thumbs showcased because Dan Shaughnessy is your chosen leader of the old school. Baseball, basketball, and football will reign supreme forever in your minds. I don't agree with that, as I think baseball SUCKS and is fading fast, but that's not what this post is about.

How can soccer become a mainstream sport in the US? There isn't a single answer and I don't even think there is a plan to work it out. I think this is something that needs to happen organically with a little luck. Like, create as many youth soccer associations as you want, but if that buy-in doesn't continue into their teens then who really gives a fuck. How do we grow that buy-in? I have some ideas.

Find a way to coexist.  There are over 300 million people in this country, I can't see any reason that soccer can't coexist with the other leading sports and we can dominate the world in all things athletic. The worst thing that soccer fans or advocates can do is come in and try to directly compete and compare with the current US mainstays. You can't just show up and pick a fight with basketball and football because you will be obliterated. And the truth is soccer doesn't need to compete with them. Don't get me wrong, the idea of watching LeBron, Adrian Peterson, and Megatron just destroying motherfuckers out there gives me all the boners, but you aren't seeing guys like that being the best players in the world in soccer. Most of the Messi's, Ronaldo's, and Beckham's of the world aren't standing over 6'. How many awesome high school and college athletes are out there that couldn't make it big in their sport because they just didn't have the size? Hundreds? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? Athletes are out there.

Develop a black superstar.

10 of those 13 athletes listed above are black, or at least half black if we are talking Tiger Woods. That obviously means something(other than the NBA is really fucking good at marketing its' players). Black kids, Latino kids, and white kids look up to black athletes. That's an indisputable fact. If soccer wants to take off then it needs to find its' black superstar. And not some fucking Freddy Adu-type 14 year old prodigy. A real star who has succeeded on an international level.

And I don't mean go into the hood and get all those kids on the street playing soccer. The athlete escaping from the hood storyline is played out and almost entirely false, as illustrated here. For every LeBron James there is a Michael Jordan and a Chris Paul. You want to be a professional athlete? Coming from an upper-middle, two parent home gives you much better odds than coming from the hood.

Become "pick-up" friendly. Growing up, I spent my time playing sports outside 90% of the time. Those other 10% were spent on Napster or looking up fatality codes for Mortal Kombat. Every single day, when the weather permitted, I would play basketball. I may not play a full game, I might even just be out there by myself, but I shot a basketball every single day. Hell, even on days when my driveway was covered in snow I would shovel that shit just so I could shoot some hoops. And I wasn't even fucking good. I mean, I'm good enough to play basketball and be competitive, but I never even tried out for a basketball team.

And if I wasn't playing basketball, I was playing football. Growing up the Good's side lot was host to the best backyard football games you could find. And it was the ultimate socioeconomic mix. The city law directors son was out there playing next to a kid who was locked up by the others dad. It didn't matter. We started calling people at 7 AM on Saturdays to get the game organized. If we could only get a few guys around we would play "Smash Football", a game we created in my backyard where the field was only stretched from the rose bushes to the sidewalk...or about 8 feet. That's where the real men showed up.

When I was in middle school I played street hockey all the time. We would shut down the street, drag out some goals that my dad got from the hardware store, and all the neighborhood kids would show up. I can't even count how many pucks we lost down the sewers at the end of the street.

The point is, I never ever ever ever played "pick-up" soccer. I'm pretty sure I never owned a soccer ball. Yes, I played soccer growing up, when I was maybe 5-8 years old. I never touched a soccer ball after that outside of gym class. I would be shocked if this isn't the experience of about 75% of guys my age. How in the fuck is the US supposed to put out a soccer team that can even sniff a World Cup Trophy with the majority of their potential players not even playing the sport when they turn 10? It's impossible.

So..... I don't know exactly how to make that happen. Like I said at the beginning, it's not a simple answer. I do think that there is going to be a slow migration of young athletes towards soccer, if only because less young people are interested in baseball and more parents are holding their kids out of football. I'm sure sometime in the next 5 years we will see those numbers bare out. But, that's a snails pace when it comes to catching up with the countries that year in and year out are World Cup contenders. So does the US Soccer Association(I assume there is such a thing) just need to go into every neighborhood and handout soccer balls? Do MLS teams need to start letting people under 12 into their games for free? Is it possible for billionaires to get involved with US soccer and bring over #ELITE talent? I don't know. But I think any of those things would be a great start.
No seriously. BRAZIL GETS IT.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

NBA Mock Draft

This is how I honk the hooters of fat chicks
Oh yeah! There is another draft tomorrow night (and the NHL Draft on Friday BOOM!)! I'm in roster rebuilding heaven right now. Welcome once again to G$'s (and to a far lesser extent, Iceman) NBA Lottery Mock Draft! What a year to be doing this! The Cavs are back in the leadoff slot. The Pistons are absent which sucks because I think that I've nailed their pick the last two years. As I mentioned yesterday, we did this twice. Once before Embiid went down but then we had to scrap it because too much changed and then the draft that you are about to slog through. Iceman is picking the odds and I've got the evens (the evens have much more ELITE picks IMO). Let's draft! Iceman's Cavaliers are on the clock!

1. The Cleveland Cavaliers select Jabari Parker, SF, Duke
I would have done naked, drunken Cat Jacks until my nuts were purple if Joel Embiid would have broken his foot AFTER the Cavs drafted him. But none of that happened and Cleveland will most likely take the guy they should have taken from the start. Parker is probably the most NBA ready prospect in this draft and the Cavs can finally attempt to fill that LeBron sized hole at SF that was left a few years ago. Even despite the foot surgery I STILL would not completely rule out Embiid here since Dan Gilbert is real life Elmer Fudd. But I'm 95% on Parker to Cleveland.
G$'s reaction: And to think, if you told me three months ago that the Cavs would draft Parker, I would have let you fuck me until we both bled (ELITE daydream material!). Now, somehow, I'm a little disappointed. But we will be better. That is certain.
Iceman: Fuck. You. Take a good look why Cleveland should never get the #1 ever again. It's never good enough for you assholes, is it? Gracious! Now you have to "settle" on the best SF prospect since LeBron. HOW TRAGIC!!!

2. The Milwaukee Bucks select Andrew Wiggins, SF, Kansas
Since this is now a two-man draft, Wiggins is the BRAH for the Bucks and their new owners can give themselves awkward white guy high fives. They don't have much depth on that roster but you could do a lot worse than building around Wiggins and The Greek Freak and hopefully Larry Sanders can stop sending himself to the ER.
Iceman's reaction: The NBA loves their Canadian lottery picks!

3. The Philadelphia 76ers select Joel Embiid, C, Kansas
It's not that crazy. Embiid is supposed to be the best center prospect in a decade, right? Shit. Nerlens Noel went 6th overall only 4 months after ACL surgery and Embiid is supposed to be twice the player Noel is with a shorter time table for return. Stress fracture surgery, on average, heals in 8-14 weeks. From what I've read and without complications, anyway. Even on the high end of recovery that means Embiid is good to go by October/November. Embiid isn't dropping out of the top 5 and Philly has 2 picks in the first round. It's definitely high risk/high reward but if any team can afford to make the gamble early and wait for it to pay off later...it's the 76ers. They've been here before.
G$'s reaction: Man, that is risky. A big man with back and now foot problems should not be going in the top 5 ever. Hell, he shouldn't be going in the top ten. I feel awful for the kid though because he had everything going his way but his body failed him. If they can both get on the court at the same time, a Noel/JoJo frontcourt is very interesting.

4. The Orlando Magic select Dante Exum, PG, Australia
Colin T seems to love this kid which is hilarious because there is no way that he has ever seen him play. Look, the Magic PG situation is worse than the Cavs SF sitch and it needs to be addressed finally. Exum is the best PG in the draft so you take him. Then you sit Jameer Nelson down for a nice chat and Jacques Vaughn can sneak up behind to strangle him to death. It's pretty easy.
Iceman's reaction: I'm not going to pretend to know a lot about Exum but he seems to be everyone's sexy PG pick. He's big and he's not Jameer Nelson so it could definitely work. Or he could be Rodney Stuckey.

5. The Utah Jazz select Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky
This is more value than need. There was a time when Randle was considered the top overall pick so you can't pass on talent like that at 5 even if you technically don't need him. And the foot problems don't worry me. Even though he is hilariously left hand dominant, I like Randle's game. He reminds me of Zach Randolph but with fewer voices in his head and more petite chest beefers. Worst case scenario when ANUS Kanter finally completely flames out you can just roll out Favors at C and Randle at PF.
G$'s reaction: I could see this. His foot actually does bother me. I don't want to see him in LA or Boston though.

6. The Boston Celtics select Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona
This is apparently a lock to happen as Opie Ainge loves this kid. I don't. In the NBA, everyone can jump. Sure, some do higher than others but you sort of have to score. Gordon can't shoot...from ANYWHERE. He's pretty much a newer-smelling version of Tyrus Thomas (who sucked) in that he has gobs of athleticism but can't really do anything meaningful with it. Which makes me happy to draft him to Boston who I absolutely hate.
Iceman's reaction: Agree. Gordon feels like a bust to me. Looks like Jared Sullinger doesn't have to launder his own bras anymore. Rookie hazing rules.

7. The Los Angeles Lakers select Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana
The Lakers front court is a mess right now. Well, the whole team is a disaster to be fair. Vonleh is a walking double double and rebounding almost always translates to the next level. Who the fuck knows how long Gasol will be around but while he still is, he and Vonleh will bring nice size down low. I almost took Marcus Smart here but I like the idea of him trying to out-crazy Boogie Cousins and knocking up Mrs. Prime in SacTown instead.
G$'s reaction: I keep seeing Vonleh's name going higher and higher and that is terrifying because he did nothing at Indiana. The Hoosiers were fucking terrible last year but since I didn't watch any of their games, I will assume it was because Vonleh was rotten. Black guy named Noah? LOL No.

8. The Sacramento Kings select Marcus Smart, Insane Person/Guard, Oklahoma State
FUCK YEAH, SON! Time for Prime to move out of Crazy Town, USA. You're my butterfly...sugar...baby! It does make some sense though. Isiah Thomas isn't all that great and they could use a two guard as well (even if he does come off the bench). It's amusing that the Kings have all the talent in the world but always blow big dicks. Why? Because the cupboard is always stocked with crazy. I don't know who their coach is but he should be on suicide watch.
Iceman's reaction: There's no better city for Smart. He and Cousins should be robbing liquor stores together in no time. I wonder how fighting over Mrs. Prime will effect team chemistry...

9. The Charlotte Hornets select Doug McDermott, SF/PF, Creighton
Home boy can flat out shoot the J. Just a violent scorer. People want to dissect Doug E. Fresh's game saying shit like, "He's too slow to play SF and too small to play PF" or "He's a sloth on defense". Yeah? No one plays defense in the NBA, bruh. The best way to get forgiveness for getting roasted on defense is to score a lot of points on offense. It's worked for David Lee all these years, right?
G$'s Reaction: I like this pick. He will look great next to last year's lottery reach, Code Man Zeller. But it makes a lot of sense. He'll be a good bench scorer in the league for a decade. If you're starting him though...yeeeeeesh.

10. The Philadelphia 76ers select Gary Harris, SG, Michigan State
Real Talk--If Harris wants to be a FACTORBACK in the NBA, he absolutely has to live in the weight room. He's got a lot of skill as we all have seen though (and probably isn't a cancer like Evan Turner). All of a sudden, the Sixers have a corps of MCW/Noel/Harris/Embiid and the cap space for two max contracts. Whoa! That's not a bad place to be in. There is some major talent on that team. Risky, OBVZ, but the ceiling is way high.
Iceman's reaction: I don't think Harris will ever be a stud in the pros. But I can definitely see him being a Jamal Crawford type guy for a decade. If the draft plays out this way for Philly and all these guys stay healthy? Holy Shit.

11. The Denver Nuggets select Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan
HE ON! OH CANADA! POUTINE! Randy Foye is a platter of butts and Stauskas solves the Foye seeing the court for more than zero minutes problem. OBVZ Stauskas is an ELITE shooter but has developed his game to be more than just a deep threat. Fun Stauskas fact: Wheelz' sister and Stauskas' girlfriend, Taylor Anderson, used to be best friends. We all went to Wheelz uncle's Michigan lake house mansion about 3 years ago for 4th of July. Anderson started dating Stauskas shortly after and became a complete uppity bitch, according to Lil' Wheelz. Anderson is also as dumb as she is hot. In high school she kept confusing North and South Carolina so she started called them "Upper" and "Lower" Carolina. LOL. What a gem, Nik.
G$'s reaction: Cool Story Bro! I don't know. I just have a hard time drafting that pencil-necked geek in the lottery. I guess that I'm just racist against nerds.

12. The Orlando Magic select Dario Saric, SF/PF, Croatia James Young, SF, Kentucky

By drafting Exum and now Saric, Orlando is going to be covered in Fran Fraschilla skeet. With Afflalo (for the time being) and Oladipo in the fold, drafting another SG made little sense. They need someone to come in and push Andrew Nicholson and Tobias Harris to either become studs that they can be or be bench role players. Saric should fit that bill. Nothing wrong with some roster competition.
Iceman's reaction: Saric's draft sheet isn't very encouraging to read. Jump shot needs work, game may not translate to pros, doesn't dominate against better competition. I'm not sure why everyone is so psyched about this guy.
That Saric cocksucker is staying in Europe for two years and I'll damned if I waste a pick on any of those shitbirds from UCLA.  Young can shoot.  We'll take him in Orlando.

13. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Adreian Payne, PF, Michigan State
I'm really 50/50 on Payne. He has the talent to be a star in this league but he also has the maturity of the kid in my kindergarten class who showed his dong to the girls inside the tire fort on the playground at recess. What worries me is that Izzo won't be around next year to rope Payne back in during those stretches when he mentally checks out. If Payne doesn't get the support system he needs we might as well just start calling him JaVale McGee.
G$'s reaction: Wait--is that a thing? I can't recall Payne having maturity issues. Did you consider his friendship with the cancer girl to be a character flaw? He sure as shit doesn't remind of Javale goddamn McGee. That's just mean. I'm a big fan of Payne and once the Wolves unload Kevin Love for about 20 cents on the dollar, Payne is probably the right kind of player to fill those shoes. Just a reminder that Minnesota has Flip Saunders as President AND head coach. What a franchise!

14. The Phoenix Suns select Rodney Hood, G/F, Duke
The Suns were a pleasant story last season and possess a really entertaining roster. They have good bigs (and Alex Len--who is not a good big) so they could use help on the wing. After Eric Bledsoe and Gerald Green, they don't have much. A sharp-shooter like Hood could definitely fill a role in that rotation.
Iceman's reaction: Getting such a tremendous shooter like Hood this late is proof of how deep this draft is. P.J. Tucker is hilarious as a starter and the Morris boys are pretty average. Hood is an immediate upgrade.

There you go. It was tough to keep passing on Aaron Craft but I just didn't see a roster that was in dire need of a faggot. Enjoy the NBA Draft tomorrow night, jerks. Hopefully, Simmons keeps his annoyingness to a minimum and Jay Bilas talks about everyone's upside, STREMPH, and LEMPH. And so help me God if there aren't ample Fran Fraschilla HOT EURO TAEKS. GO CAVS! BE SMART FOR ONCE BUT NOT MARCUS SMART!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Summer of Carmelo


"How are the DUI laws in Illinois? Asking for a friend..."



It is official.  CarmelOVERRATED Anthony is a free agent and will be seeking out his 3rd NBA team since getting drafted.  I've never been shy about my opinion of Carmelo Anthony.  He's a fuck.  I'm not a fan at all.  I think he's OVERRATED and his selfish demeanor on the court is going to make it really hard for him to win a title.  Ever.  The more I watch this guy play the more I'm at ease with the Pistons passing on him in the 2003 draft.  It seems crazy to say but I think Chris Bosh was the player Piston fans should be upset the most about passing on.  But that's another conversation.  This post is about Carmelo and he wouldn't like me discussing other players in a post dedicated to just him.

I will say that I think opting out was the smart move for Carmelo.  If he plans on not being Karl Malone when he retires he had to leave the Knicks.  That team is an ass buffet and isn't winning a title any time soon.  But now the pressure is on Carmelo because the team he chooses now will be critical.  This is literally his last chance for a ring unless he can pull off a Gary Payton in the twilight of his career.  God, I fucking hate Gary Payton.  Carmelo's been in the league 11 years with zero titles to show for it and time is quickly running out.  It may seem like he has time at 30 years old but he's a pretty worn down 30.  I would say that he has probably 2 to 3 good seasons left in him before we start talking about how he isn't the same player anymore.

So now the rumors and debates begin.  Where will Carmelo end up?  Let's explore some of the rumors and options for Mr. OVERRATED.  And let's not forget how big of a faggot Gary Payton is.

Houston Rockets
LOLOLOLOL!  This team already has more drama than a Real Housewives episode with Howard and Harden competing to see who the bigger star is.  Bringing in the biggest "Me First" guy in the entire National Basketball Association would make Kevin McHale's heart and balls explode at the same time. The Rockets would never survive the walking black hole that is Carmelo Anthony.

Miami Heat
Another horrible idea.  This one doesn't seem realistic since the new Big Four would all have to take massive pay cuts for this hilarious disaster to go down.  And that's assuming LeBron stays in Miami.  I can see LeBron and Carmelo both taking less money.  Shit, maybe even Bosh.  Buy Dwyane Wade doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would take less money at this stage in his career.  He already has his rings, now I'm sure he wants his money.  Because he's a selfish asshole.  There's not only the money issue, there's also the attention issue.  Wade has already shown he's not willing to take a back seat to anyone even though he is completely broken down.  Even Bosh was bitching about touches during the playoffs this year.  Now Carmelo comes in and demands a certain number of looks?  Yeesh.  I see it getting ugly fast.

Dallas Mavericks
This could actually work.  Shawn Marion and Vince Carter both need to GTFO to the retirement home.  Actually, keep Marion as a role player off the bench but put Carter out of his fucking misery already.  The only other person that is any kind of diva about getting theirs is Dirk Nowitzki so the bitching would probably be minimal.  There wouldn't be any more superstar power on that roster but Dallas has really good role players that can contribute.  The center position needs some serious attention so even with Carmelo coming to Dallas, they aren't championship ready.  But it's not the worst place for him to end up.

Chicago Bulls
Sorry, Larry.  This is the best place for Carmelo to land and his best shot for a title in the next 3 years.  The questions is, how do you feel about having this dick turd on your team?  Here's how I see it.  Thibs is a top 5 coach in the NBA and has proven he can get the most out of his team even when it looks like the Bulls are dead.  If anyone can get Carmelo to buy into any form of team basketball, Thibodeau is one of the few names on that very short list.  Noah is a top 5 center, Rose is a former MVP and Jimmy Butler is on the verge of breaking out.  And getting Carmelo means fans would never have to see Mike Dunleavy ever again.  That last sentence alone should give every Bulls fan a semi.  Finally...ditch Boozer and start Rose, Butler, Carmelo, Gibson and Noah.  That's a pretty fucking killer starting lineup assuming Rose finally goes for gender reassignment surgery and gets his dick and balls back.  I realize that the Bulls will have a hard time making the money work but if the Heat can make it work, so can the Bulls.

I think it's Bulls or bust for Carmelo.  He needs a title NOW if he plans on ever winning one.  Even though Carmelo wants to penetrate LeBron's mocha chili hole, he would go without a title in Miami.  Houston is a powder keg waiting for the fire of Carmelo to cannonball into the middle of it and Dallas is just missing too many pieces.  Should be an interesting couple of weeks while Carmelo Anthony figures out which fan base to piss off next.  For the record, I hope this shit heel never wins a title.  Fuck that asshole.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Fare Thee Well, Hokester

Looks like I found the World's Worst Wet T-Shirt Contest
As I stated on Friday, I won’t be around much today if at all. I start my new gig as head ELITEman and will probably be running around all day meeting people and forgetting their name before the introductory handshake even ends. Can’t wait. If there is one thing that I am absolutely terrible at, it is mindless small talk and chit chat. FUN! With no Dragons Talk to save us this afternoon, I need to come up with a post idea that can stimulate conversation all day without needing much from me.

Got it. I can’t even remember the last time that we even mentioned college football around here. Well, that needs to change. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Oh great, another anti-Ohio post” or “He’s not going to write about how incredible EMU’s new all-gray field is, is he?” Nope, but let’s stay in that general geographic area and talk about MICHIGAN.

OK, you’d have to be a real homer to say that the Brady Hoke Era has been a riveting success. Sure, he’s better than Rich Rod but so is everyone. He’s an easy guy to like though due to his bulbous size and comically high-pitched voice. Even the dumbest Fuckeye fan has to admit that he is pretty good for the rivalry. The problem is that The Hokester is at a crossroads in 2014. He is under contract through the end of next season which means that that seat is scorching ass hot right now. Why? Because, at this point, you either fire the guy or extend him. Doing nothing is a killer on the recruiting trail and does nothing to help the program. A directionless program is a dead program. Having a lame duck is STUPID.

Be honest with yourself, Michigan Men, this Fall doesn’t look like it is going to be all that much different than the last few years. Hoke was brought in to re-establish the pro-style offense which he hasn’t done at all. The defense will still probably suck. I’m sure that there will be rapes and horrible QB play. Winning the Big Ten isn’t realistic. I think that the only way that he keeps his job is if he beats Michigan State or Ohio. Just win one of those while going 9-3 or so and that should be enough for an extension. Fail to beat either of your rivals again and it’s resume time for The Hokester (written in BBQ sauce).

For the purpose of today’s post, let’s assume that Brady Hoke is fired after this season. It isn’t much of a stretch to assume that anyway but I would love to hear the logic and reasoning from some who think he is safe/will return. The question is: Who does Michigan target as their next head coach? Do they go after the vaunted MICHIGAN MAN again? Do they beg a BRAH? How many times will someone hilariously mention Jon Gruden? Could you possibly make a play for Racist Gruden?

You know where I’m going with this. Oh yeah, if you can’t get the BRAH, then go get his non-Union black equivalent…David Shaw! Can you imagine the Big Ten getting a big steaming dose of STANFORD FOOTBALL? It nearly makes one’s dick hard. Perhaps this time, a guy with a pro-style offense will actually RUN that offense. Shaw is my pick for next Michigan coach even though it is probably unrealistic.

So that is the debate today…who will be Michigan’s football coach in 2015? I will try to show up at some point but no promises. DEAL WITH IT.

Friday, June 20, 2014

The War On Redskins Rages On

FYI my birthday is in 3 months
I feel like I write about this all the time but I haven’t devoted a day to it in the last year or two so here we go again. OK, so by now we all have heard that the USPTO have stripped away the trademark rights of the name “Redskins”. Basically, the franchise no longer owns the name or the logo according to the US Patent and Trademark Office. Now this is the kind of shit that gets Darren Rovell a baby dick boner and I admit to not fully understanding the ramifications, but from what I gather, they have tried this before and failed. They are trying it again. Who “they” are is up for some debate as it might be a Native American group or it could be some asshole politician sticking his or her nose where it does not belong. Either way, someone is listening and the Redskins brand is significantly under-protected at the moment.

What does this mean? Fuck if I know. Some people think that this is the start to changing the name. Others say nothing will happen because the team will fight this and appeal until they can’t appeal any longer. Now I’ve been 100% transparent on the issue of the Redskins name change since forever. I don’t care. No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t care if a few people feel upset about the name. DEAL WITH IT. If you feel disparaged or discriminated against because of a football team’s nickname then that is a YOU problem, bro, and you need to evaluate what is important in your life. But that’s just me not caring about other people’s feelings. I never took offense to Dave Chappelle’s white guy voice while he was in white-face.

As I said the last time that I wrote about this, I’m just a really lazy guy. I like where my team wardrobe is at. I have absolutely no desire to throw all of it out and spend money on new threads. I don’t want to do that. While you are making a very small minority of people feel better about themselves by changing the name, you are presenting a much, MUCH larger sect of fans with a gigantic bill at NFL Shop. That is not cool, bruh.

Here’s the thing: It’s not going to change. It never will. It does not matter who puts pressure where. Dan Snyder (who, by the way, is without question the least racist owner in team history—go check out George Preston Marshall and Jack Kent Cooke’s resumes!) doesn’t give a FUCK about what people say about him. He does things his way. He sues fans who can’t afford season tickets anymore. He runs numerous Six Flags locations out of business. He refuses to change the FedEx turf away from natural grass. He doesn’t care. No six figure politician is going to tell this ten figure owner how to run his business. EVER.

I mean, really, who the hell is going to actually MAKE Snyder change the name anyway? Congress? Yeah right. If there is one group of people that are hated more than the Redskins front office it is politicians. Roger Goodell? He doesn’t even have the sack to punish Jim Irsay. The 31 other NFL owners? LOL! It’s the same reason why the NBA owners didn’t want to actually have to vote out Sterling. Because when you turn on one, the closets are going to open for everyone. Is the Redskins name hurting profits? Last I checked, this was still the third most valuable franchise in the NFL and would sell for AT LEAST 2 billion dollars if Snyder put it up for sale (he won’t).

I’ll say it again. I get it. It’s embarrassing when the organization releases a statement claiming how the Redskins moniker represents pride and history. Just shut up with that. Say nothing. Hell, maybe these Indian groups wouldn’t be so mad if the team was consistently worth a shit. Did we ever think about that? Everyone hates losers. I know for a FACT that when the Mississippi Sambos won five straight titles, they were beloved by all of America. Maybe if you are a perennial playoff contender, Indians would have the name less. IT’S WORTH A SHOT!
Gonna recommend playing this at my joint diaper party tomorrow.  Oh yeah, that's happening.
I don’t have an issue with Natives being mad because who the fuck am I to tell someone else how they are supposed to feel. I do have a problem with the other people demanding a name change from up on their high horse (Peter King, Simmons, most of Twitter). Like you all give a fuck about the Navajos. No, you only want to see this go down because of the reason “Dan Snyder is a douche bag”. This is what scares me the most. That if there comes a day when we become the Washington Warriors (keeping that ELITE logo and that is not negotiable), the liberal media is going to celebrate like they are winners in this PC War. But this is a battle that should have no winners and no celebrations. Changing a football team’s name isn’t any sort of reparation for what happened in the past and keeping the Washington Redskins still means that I root for a God awful shitty team. In the end, we are all still united under the banner of Losers and that is the way that it should be. If a grown man wants to own a business that has a racist name then shouldn’t that be his problem? Basically, the more that internet douchers dig their heels into this war, the more extreme I go on #RedskinsPride because no one likes a fucking whiny baby.

And if you don’t think that this is a big deal then you are wrong. Some of you should be damn thankful that Dan Snyder is as stubborn as he is. Because if there ever comes a time that he caves, the dreaded and hated PC Police is coming north to Lake Erie and they’re only going to start with Chief Wahoo. It will end with the Indians name going bye bye after that. You just watch. It’s a slippery slope indeed and the easy solution/answer might not always be the right one.  Hail to the fucking REDSKINS 4 LIFE, BRAH.

That will do it for me this week. Monday is going to be different around here. I start my new job and will probably not be commenting much if at all so I need to come up with a topic in which my valued opinion is not necessary. Hopefully a Fuckeye gets arrested over the weekend.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

So You Think You Can Netflix

An Effective PETA add

Iceman mentioned it Tuesday, and G Money has resorted to lecturing his homeboy Johnny Football, so you know it is the dog days of sports bloggership. Don't get me wrong, I could easily wax poetically about the greatness of the Spurs DYNASTY, or even about how fucking awesome the world cup is, especially now that the US got 3 points in their first match. Or even the likelihood that Qatar is going to lose the 2022 World Cup because they're a horrible country.  But I know you knuckledraggers don't want to hear about that.

But I do know one thing that we all have in common, a love for ELITE entertainment. And I promise not to lecture you like Ide being a total TV Nazi, this is more of an educational experience that we can all share in. I love me some Netflix. I have watched more awful movies than I care to share in the search of the next great hidden gem. Today I will share the knowledge I have gained by drudging through awful entertainment so you don't have to.

TV Shows
House of Cards: WATCH THIS SHIT! WATCH IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I have only watched the first season, but I really really like this show. I am a person who believes that Washington DC is the most corrupt place on the earth and our government is mostly a sham, at least in the sense that its purpose is to serve us common folk. House of Cards illustrates this perfectly, and in a way that isn't exaggerated or hard to believe. Highly recommend this show.

Freaks and Geeks: I never watched this show when it originally aired, and since it only lasted 18 episodes I am guessing most of you didn't either. But during spring break I still had to show up to school, so I spent my days catching up on random shit that I thought might be interesting on Netflix. Freaks and Geeks did not disappoint. It's a smart and funny "dramedy" that features the people who have been owning the comedy genre for the past decade; James Franco, Seth Rogan, Jason Segel, and several others. It's a great show that doesn't take a ton of dedication because it's only 18 episodes.

Wilfred: This show is still on FX, but I don't think it gets nearly the attention it deserves. I think it's a great watch and Elijah Wood is a sneaky good actor.

Shows I am thinking about getting into:
Arrested Development
Sons of Anarchy (I love me some Charlie Hunman)
Derek: I find Ricky Gervais funny and enjoy his trolling of religious crazies on Twitter.

Shows I'm pretty sure I want to stay away from:
Orange is the New Black: From I've read I just don't think prison lesbian TV is my thing.
Mad Men

Horror Movies:
Devil's Pass: I'm assuming none of you are familiar with the Dyatlov Pass incident. I won't go into too much detail, but I group of hikers met a gruesome demise while traveling through this Russian mountain range, and the cause was determined to be "a compelling natural force". This movie is about a group of students who go to investigate the incident. It's a sort of Blair Witch Project/Cabin Fever mash up. It's an original idea that I enjoyed.

The Pact
V/H/S 2
Pontypool

Stand Up:
Joe Rogan Live: I find him smart and hilarious. Others probably find his crass and stupid. But if you're easily offended then you probably don't know good stand up anyways.

Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Eddie Murphy: Raw AND Delirious (OBVS)
Louis CK: Live at the Beacon Theatre (I think his Chewed Up special kind of sucked)
Bill Burr: Let It Go
Doug Stanhope

Dramas(or whatever manlier term you can think of):
Mud: Matthew McConaughey being a typical bro. Okay, not really, but it's hard for me to take him seriously as any thing other than that. But I liked him in this movie.

The Talented Mr. Ripley: Somehow this movie slipped past me for the last 15 years. I'm a pretty big Matt Damon STAN, after Rounders how could you not be, so finding this on Netflix was a surprise. It's a slow burn, but I love sociopaths. What can I say.

Deadfall: Again, Charlie Hunman boner.
The Road

Documentaries:
I could go on for quite a while with this list. This is the best genre when it comes to Netflix. So I'll just throw out 5 that I have recently enjoyed.

Dirty Wars: Exhibit 1234231232141234 why I think our government is bullshit.
Exit Through The Gift Shop: If you have any interest in art or enjoy graffiti with an eye towards social change like I do, then this is a can't miss.
Bully: A movie I think every kid should have to watch.
Blackfish: I wasn't able to watch all of this. I always knew that trapping enormous, intelligent creatures for our own entertainment was horrible, but this just drove that point home times a million. I'm glad Sea World has been getting killed since its release.
Detropia: A look into the decay that is Detroit from the perspective of locals directly effected by its collapse.

Everything Else:
TEDTalks: I fucking love Ted Talks.

The beauty of Netflix is that there is something for everybody. Even Grumpy can find some black and white films to bring back childhood memories of the roaring 20's. So go enjoy some of these suggestions and see what you think, and drop some Netflix knowledge in the comments.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

OK, Johnny, You've Had Your Fun

Nice "Hastings" of money there, doucher
Johnny Football! My man! My n*gga! Why don’t you come on over here to the VIP section so we can have a little chat about Johnny Football?

Bro, I see that you just signed your rookie deal with the Browns. Congrats, BRAH! It has to kind of stink to take a pay cut from what you were making in the SEC though, right! LOL! Anyway, I wanted to discuss something with you tonight at Club ELITE now that you are officially an NFL player.

Dude, it’s time to grow up. REAL TALK—this whole Johnny Football persona that you’ve been playing up for years has to either be taken down 8 notches or die entirely. You can’t do this anymore. You can’t act like this. Oh sure, guys like Gronk can get away with shooting porn scenes and chugging Miller Fortunes all weekend because he’s a meathead idiot and everyone knows it. He has proven himself to be a FACTORTIGHTEND anyway.

You don’t have that luxury anymore. You are expected to be a starting quarterback in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. You are thus required to be the face of your franchise. The face of the team doesn’t hang out with Gronk at UFC events. The face doesn’t sit coach and ride bitch on airplanes. The face doesn’t pass out on inflatable swans at the X-Games. The face doesn’t get videotaped talking into a stack of cash like the douchiest douche to ever douche. This was all accomplished in ONE MONTH. You can’t do this. You can’t do ANY of this.

Look, John (you should be going by John now that you are a grown up). All good things must come to an end. We all loved your “whatevuh, I do what I want” attitude in college but this is the big time now. You are no longer the Big Man On Campus. Your opponents aren’t Rice or Ole Miss anymore. They are legitimate killing machines that take their jobs VERY seriously. Did you see that hit that James Harrison laid on Colt McCoy a few years back? Everyone on the other side of the ball is trying to do that to you on EVERY play. It's why I will always remember the names Lavar Arrington (Troy Aikman), Mo Lewis (Drew Bledsoe), and Corey Wootton (Brett Favre).  Hell, Wootton and Arthur Moats were the inaugural co-Money Shot Men of the Year!  The point is that everyone wants to be the guy to kill you dead ASAP.

Aren’t you bothered at all that all of your coaches AND teammates are publicly saying that the extremely average Brian Hoyer is the starter ahead of you? That’s embarrassing. No one wants to see you ride pine. Everyone wants you out on that field doing John Manziel things. So it’s time for you to drop the angst-ridden teenager phase and start getting serious. If you want to be a starting quarterback in the NFL then act like it. You’re being a bigger distraction than Michael Sam. Stop giving the media reasons to follow you everywhere. It’s OK to be boring. America likes winners way more than they do The Kardashians. You are embarrassing your employer which is fucking amazing because your employer is a ridiculously bad white collar criminal.

A very dumb man once told me to GIVE IT A REST and I think that it applies here, John. You said all the right things leading up to the Draft about how dedicated you were to being the best and proving yourself as a QB in the NFL. So far I give you a big F. It appears that that was all just a big lie as nothing in your life has changed. So get your shit together, bruh, otherwise the Browns might as well just stitch LEAF on the back of your jersey.

By the way, I have no way of paying for this VIP section here at Club ELITE so I assume that you have this taken care of. You can afford it now. KTHANKSBAI! Good luck!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Street Hoops, TV and Strippers


"Wanna get high and play the bongos with our dicks?"



Not much is happening in the world of sports (outside of Tony Gwynn dying RIP) unless you like baseball (gay) or soccer (gayer) so here's a post of random shit.  Last week Ace illegally used a picture taken of me after schooling some bitches in basketball because he has a weird sexual obsession with me.  I thought about suing but I think I'll get a restraining order instead.  Anyway, here's the story behind that photo.

My buddy Mark called me up and asked if I wanted to play in what was supposed to be a 2 on 2 tournament at Glenwood Park.  It ended up just being 5 on 5.  Apparently a bunch of guys who weren't good enough to make the high school team got into this dick measuring contest on Facebook about who was king of the street hoops.  Since I never turn down a chance to demonstrate perfect BEEFS, I accepted the invitation.

The highlights:

-Nate Byrd hasn't aged.  A day.  And he also had no idea who I was even though he played football with me AND my older brother.  He had his 13 year old kid with him who was better than 98% of the people there.  He also thought it was a good idea to rip heaters in between games.  Also I wouldn't be surprised if he has Toledo gang ties now.  Post game Facebook "party" pics he was tagged in indicated he still enjoys himself some marijuana cigarettes.

-Some random Mexican dude showed up with his son and experiencing that was worth the price of admission.  No one knew him or had any idea where he came from.  He was wearing a Los Bulls Derrick Rose jersey and kept calling his kid "Mijo" which really made me LOL for some reason.  Mexican Derrick Rose was probably top 10 worst players I've ever seen/played with.  He definitely won the hustle award for the day after diving out of bounds to save a ball.  LOL!  So serious!!

-Three Napoleon cops showed up to watch and I have no idea why.  One of them looked 15.  The guy I was guarding started visibly freaking out as soon as the cops rolled in and kept asking people why the they were there.  He was probably a Napoleon drug lord.  They were calling the guy losing his shit about the cops Flacco.  My theory is the cops were there to arrest him for being related to a doofus like Joe Flacco.

-Someone was wearing a Karl Malone Jazz jersey.  I just remember thinking that is a really odd jersey to own.  I didn't realize The Mailman had such a rabid Nap-town following.

-The picture at the end was a little weird but I said fuck it and let them put me in it anyway.  As soon as it was taken I knew it was going on Facebook and I knew you dildos would rip on me for it.

-Me, Nate and his kid were all on a team.  We didn't lose but I'm not going to brag about that.  That's like Damman bragging about all the pussy he slays at a CiCi's buffet in Toledo on Mother's Day.

-It was fun and I would do it again.  It's better than sitting at home watching Parks and Rec re-runs on my couch until it's time to eat dinner.




Wheelz and I just got done watching True Detective last night and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.  Not because the show wasn't good.  Not at all.  I felt that the show was very good and I really enjoyed it.  But I didn't have the same response to it as I thought I was going to have.  That's the downside of not experiencing something at the same time as the rest of the world.  Something great has the potential to almost be ruined because of people hyping it up.

The phrase "Best Show Ever" was floating around a lot and that's kind of what I was expecting the whole time.  Not true.  I would put Breaking Bad over this show and even Fargo.  McConnaughey and Harrelson both absolutely kill it in the show but I really thought there would be more action.  I was expecting more than just those two impressing the world with their acting chops.  Side note: Michelle Monaghan used to be kinda hot.  She was pretty fucking dumpy on this show.  I'm not sure if that was the intention by the director but yikes.  Not aging well.

True Detective just couldn't live up to the national hype that it was getting and I realize now that that show never had a chance to be the GOAT with me.  But that holds true with most over hyped things.  The same thing happened with Napoleon Dynamite.  But then years later I just realized that movie is just fucking stupid and people were finding it funny for no reason at all.

I just can't help but feel a little cheated after watching True Detective.  It just felt like something was missing.  It was really good and I liked it.  Just not the best thing I've ever watched.  Anyone else experience that with this show or some other show/movie?  I know what I just said will be taken the wrong way by someone so go ahead and take your shots at me.




Wheelz and I hit up a strip club with some friends Saturday night.  First American strip club for me.  I'm a sucker when I'm hammered.  As you all  may remember from a previous post I made, I think strip clubs are stupid.  Being there Saturday just confirmed everything I believe.

The only reason I even bothered with the strip club was because it was bar close and I figured strip clubs were allowed to serve alcohol later than regular bars.  I was wrong but was able to get my mitts on some booze anyway because the guy we were with "knows" somebody.  Plus I thought it would be hilarious to see Wheelz at a strip club since she's never been.  Just as I suspected.  High comedy.

The place was packed which blew my mind for two reasons.  First, they weren't serving booze.  Second the girls weren't even naked and they were all hideous.  One had a c-section scar, another had a beer gut and all of them had on thongs and nipple pasties.  Yet there sat guys on pervert row looking to get close enough to spit in one of the strippers assholes.  Unbelievable waste of money since porn is free.  I eventually went to bed at 6am Sunday morning after cleaning up my dog's diarrhea present he left for me while we were out.

Yeah, I know this post sucks.  There isn't shit to write about and I'm out of ideas.  I guess the USA won yesterday in soccer or something?  All of you fake soccer fans can talk about that if you want.  I'm gonna go get back to TV show marathons on Netflix.

Monday, June 16, 2014

The Cavaliers Hold The Keys: Part 2

Still has never lost to Oladipo, haters
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote part one of this discussion detailing the Cavs offseason. Since then, well, nothing has changed. No coach has been hired (reaching out to Captain STREMPH!) and trade rumors aren’t really hot and heavy at the moment (LOL at the Sixers rumored offer of #3 and Thad Young who blows and plays loser ball). Hell, maybe the offseason is already upon us if the Spurs won last night. Is the “LeBron opting out” saga running rampant? I hope so! I’m writing this on Friday because I am ridiculously busy all weekend. Thus, DEAL WITH IT. Ace, I hope that you are a champion today. Just know that.

So let’s just assume that the Cavaliers keep the #1 pick and are currently on the clock for the next 11 days. That’s not a bad thing at all. This is the most talented draft of the last decade. They literally cannot go wrong here. Iceman and I have already started our rotating NBA Mock Draft and, by rule, he gets to pick for the Cavs (while I get the non-existent Pistons pick…I was robbed!). I already know who he is taking in our spot. But who would I take if I had to pick right now? Great question. Let’s talk about each candidate

Andrew Wiggins, SG/SF, Kansas
PRO – an ELITE athlete, terrific two way player, can get to the rim at will
CON – fell for Bill Self’s bullshit, is not a good shooter, came up small in big moments, Canadian

Jabari Parker, F, Duke
PRO – can score A LOT, offensive game is already NBA ready, high basketball IQ
CON – plays no defense, went to Duke, a tweener forward (not quick enough for the perimeter and too much of a pussy to bang at the moment)

Joel Hans Embiid, C, Kansas
PRO – insane skill set, legit 7 footer with 20 foot jump shot range, blocks everything in the paint, unlimited ceiling, seems to improve every game
CON – may need a backiotomy, in foul trouble quite a bit, has only been playing basketball for four years

Like I said, I don’t think that the Cavs can go wrong with either of these guys. If they end up being a bust, it’s because of them. It won’t be the team’s fault. So who am I taking at #1 if it were my call?

First of all, I’m not taking Jabari Parker at #1. He is the safest pick but has the lowest ceiling and we have enough tweeners that don’t play any defense. I’m sure that he will be a fine player in the NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION but it won’t be in the 216. I wish him the best of luck but he isn’t what I am looking for. So which ex-Jayhawk am I taking? Does it even matter so long as @KUBoobs becomes Cavs fans?  Do I finally replace LeBron or draft the most talented center in team history?

As long as that back checks out, I’m sprinting to the podium to take Embiid. Granted, the back issue is a big thing that the team needs to have checked by at least ten different specialists, but as long as they say he’s good to go then he should be in wine and gold. Guys like this (and Anthony Davis) don’t come around often. This guy has only been compared to multiple Hall of Famers. Sure, he hasn’t played a ton and is a little raw but, like I said, he seemingly got better every game and LOOK AT WHAT HE DOES!!!  Most teams in the NBA have dogshit at center. If you have a good one, then you have an advantage every game. If you have one that can stretch the floor with a jumper, rebound, AND protect the rim then I don’t see how you let that go. Embiid is a fucking stud.

Then again, if his back is messed up, I go with Wiggins. They call him Maple Jordan for a reason. Although taking 3 Canadians in the top 4 over the last 4 years would be really weird. And then you don’t have to worry about LeBron breaking your heart again because you FINALLY addressed the elephant in the locker room (who plays the three LOL Gee).

There you have it. Should the Cavs not wheel and deal before the Draft, I’m building my team around Kyrie (he’s going to re-sign) and Embiid with gobs of cap space and youth to fill in the cracks. Not a bad spot at all.  Really looking forward to defending my position today.  Considering my track record of never losing an argument, I expect that to continue.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Open Forum: Cold Treats!

'nuff said, bruh
It was about this time last year that I wrote an ode to Wendy’s Pretzel Bun Bacon Cheeseburger due to it being fantastic. I don’t know—maybe the time frame is off. Wendy’s needs to bring that thing back though. My blood is flowing almost a little too well. Anyway, it’s time for another drive-thru recommendation from your savior (who does exist) and that works well with the season. S-apostrophe-M-O-R-E a S’more for you and a S’more for me!

Bros. Seriously. BROS. The S’mores Blizzard at DQ should just be called "God’s jizz" because it is the best. I like ice cream but I don’t love it so this isn’t just Cakes and Grumpy declaring The Following to be ELITE after the pilot when it was CLEARLY terrible. I could not recommend this more. It is ELITE. I should also say that I’m not even a big fan of S’mores. Marshmallows are worthless and graham crackers are stupid plus camping is for gutter trash. But this thing is the GOAT. Plus, hot weather and cold treats go hand in hand. So why don’t we discuss COLD TREATS today?

There are no rankings or anything like that. I pretty much just pulled up a menu from an ice cream truck and am listing some items to discuss. If I forgot something that you like, relax and GIVE IT A REST. It is not an intended slight against your character and there is no need to challenge me to a duel. “Pistols at dawn” for not mentioning some weirdo Ben & Jerry’s flavor! Let’s get to it because all of us should have some fond memories of the ice cream truck randomly coming through your hood with a driver who should definitely not be allowed around kids.

*The Blizzard or Flurry or McFlurry - Combining ice cream with cookies/candy bar pieces is a really ELITE idea.  Dairy Queen does it best though.  Probably has a lot to do with The DQ Gang featuring Marcus Holmes.  HUH HUH POTATO GUN.

*FlavorIce - Oh baby...sugar ice in a plastic sleeve!  I saw these at the store last week but they weren't frozen.  They looked weird to me.  I passed on them.  Had they been in their frozen state, I probably would have bought all of them.

*Those triangular Minute Maid popsicles that they sold in your school cafeteria - Remember these?  Terrific.  Purple > Orange > Red

*The Slushy/Icee - I prefer the slush but you always run into the same problem: the second half of your cup is always worthless.  The first half is pure bliss though.

*The Astro Pop - This might also be called a bomb pop.  I don't know.  I'm thinking of those red, white, and blue popsicles that somehow taste just a little different at each other color.  Love 'em and they represent America.

*The Fudgsicle - This sounds like a disgusting sex act but the chocolate popsicle is truly great.

*The Push-Up - One of my all-time favorites.  It's probably sherbet that is in there and sherbet alone is pretty OVERRATED but if you give me an orange creme-cicle push-up and I will blow you forever.  No homo?

*The Ice Cream Sandwich - Kind of a white trash option that leads the nation in being a mess but it has its charm. 

*The ChipWich - Boom.  Two cookies acting as a bun for an inch thick layer of ice cream?  ELITE.

*Dippin’ Dots - ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE!  These things are fucking terrible.  Don't buy them ever.  Do you want to know what the ice cream of the future is?  It's ice cream.

*Lemon/Strawberry Chill - A hidden gem at MLB games and always tastes solid on a scorching ass hot day with 100% swamp ass.

*Klondike - I have a fondness for these as my grandma always had them in her freezer when we visited.  They are average at best but, to me, they have sentimental value.  I would do very little for a Klondike bar though.

*Choco Taco - THE BEN's favorite!  Do they still sell these at Taco Bell?  I feel like they don't.  They really should.

*Frozen versions of the traditional candy bar - Snickers is without question on the Mt Rushmore of candy bars so you are 100% correct that the ice cream version would be tremendous.

*The Drumstick - IMO this is perfect and way superior over the chicken/turkey version.  Waffle cones are ELITE.  Ice cream is always welcome.  Chocolate and nuts not being "Lamar's chocolate nuts" are a great topping. 

I look forward to having my character attacked today for no apparent reason. Just know that if you don’t like ice cream then you should move back to Iran. Maybe you don't eat it much but you should at least enjoy it.  Don't be a reggin'.  Father’s Day is this weekend. I’m pretty sure that my wife got me new socks. FUCK YEAH! See you on Monday…try to not throw up this weekend.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

It Ain't Nothin' But a Hoops Thang, Baby

Ain't nobody messing with my mothafuckin clique clique clique...
Please disregard this casting picture from an upcoming straight to DVD movie titled "The Longest Tard." Just kidding, savor it for the rest of your life.

There's a lot to talk about regarding the NBA so lets just throw out some bullet points featuring my ELITE TAKES!

- I don't think this deserves much mention....but did you read/hear that Donald Sterling letter? That old kook is one crazy fucker. I do like how he gives the NBA a taste of their own medicine; calling out their gender-discriminatory practices and now choosing to fight the good fight, just like the NBA finally decided to oust him after his pro-Ide rant, despite knowing he was a prejudiced piece of shit for several decades. Now do I think there is any chance that he wins any suit filed against the NBA? No. When he became an owner he signed a contract that allowed him to be booted for saying the shit he said. But do I think the NBA wants to rumble with him in court? FUCK NO! This guy will blow through his entire life savings while lawyering up for a showdown with the NBA. I think Adam Silver said it best Tuesday night, he wants to keep this fight between the Sterling family. Kind of awesome how the NBA manipulated Sterling's wife to do their dirty work.

- Derek Fisher goes to the Knick for 5 years, 25 mil. Why has this become a thing? Why the fuck are Jason Kidd and Derek Fisher employed right now as NBA head coaches? Prior to being hired neither of these guys had ever drawn up a play, established a rotation, managed locker room egos, or even went and got the head coach coffee as I imagine most assistant do. How did Jason Kidd turn out?
Yes, that is the best set play Kidd drew up all year. I don't anticipate Fisher being much better, at least not right now in his first gig.

- Rumors are swirling that LeBron and Melo want to play together, and they both have the option to become free agents after the season. I am a hater of all things Melo. I don't think he's a winner. I think he'd much rather put up 50 points in a loss than get 15 and 15 in a win. I think he cripples any good offensive scheme, as was shown by LINsanity and its immediate demise when Melo came back to the lineup after injury. Can Melo change what he has been for the past 11 years and become a team player? I seriously doubt it. I know he did during the Olympics, but you aren't getting Olympic Melo mindset for an entire season. I just don't see how Bron looks at that option as an improvement over his current one. And the rumor of Melo coming to South Beach and everybody taking paycuts is cute too. South Beach isn't a place for commies. 

NBA FINALS BULLETS!!!
- Holy shit did Kawhi Leonard go HAM last night. That is the very peak of potential that everybody sees in him. Outplaying the best player in the world is an impressive feat, especially when the best player goes for 22/5/7/5. I am very interested to see what happens tonight. If he can come out with that same aggression then I may be firmly on team Iceman regarding his status among the Top Player list. I think he falls back to the mean a bit, but is still more aggressive than the first two games in getting his on the offensive end.

- Tiago Splitter didn't start and played for only 16 minutes. The Spurs won by 19. That is EXACTLY how Splitter needs to be used. He is a steaming pile of shit out there, but we need him down low for stretches. Just a reminder that he makes $10 mil a year to be horrible at basketball.

- I love Boris Diaw's game more than any other NBA player ever. THAT is a guy who should be getting a head coaching gig whenever he decides to hang it up. He was giving a clinic on what high basketball IQ really looks like Tuesday night. The Spurs were +20 while he was on the court and he played more minutes than everybody but Leonard. The Spurs dominating wasn't a coincidence.

- The Spurs have 4 of the 5 best PG's in this series; Parker, Ginobili, Diaw, and Mills. LeBron is obvs in there somewhere.

- I love me some Tim Duncan, but even I am getting annoyed at him getting stripped in the paint and then flailing his hands like an infant at the ref. Bro, you're the best PF to ever play the game, go up fucking strong and hold onto the rock. The officials were ass both ways in Game 3.

- As for the Heat....FUCK EM. If the Spurs didn't choke away a big lead in Game 2 this would be 3-0. The Heat are winning one more game at the most. LeBron can't do everything.

- Prediction for Game 4: I can see the Heat getting this one, but I have more faith that Pop will be implementing Part 2 of his adjustments after Game 2. Look for Splitter to get even less minutes, Diaw to continue to be awesome, Kawhi to put up 18, and the Spurs to win by 5. SPURS IN 6!!!

- I saw this awhile back on Twitter and was going to make a post out of it, but figured we can just have some fun in the comments. Lets spice it up a little bit and pick 6 with $15.
PG: Isiah Thomas
SG: Jordan
SF: Durant
PF: Duncan
C: Dream
6th man: Pippen

Feel free to just copy/paste my team because you can only hope to tie it. Lets make some decisions in the comments regarding the Money Shot Invitational currently penciled in for 6/28 as well. Good day, sirs. 
END IT WITH AN ASS SHOT!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Are You A World Cup Fan Or Are You A Real Man?

CAW CAW!  Where is The Trashman?
You may not have heard but The World Cup starts tomorrow in Brazil. People forget that this is the most popular sport in the world. However, in America, land of the free and home of the brave, it only matters every few years and even then we half ass our excitement. Soccer is trying to catch on here but I’m not sure how successful it actually is. Is it growing? Maybe. Every little kid plays soccer and the Pacific northwest seems to be eating it up.

But it still comes down to winning and losing. In America, that is all that matters. If you are never playing in the big games then we just don’t care. That is a FACT. Everybody wants to be Tom Brady. Nobody wants to be T-Bone Romo. That sort of logic transcends (Colin!) everything. Here in the US of A, we strive to be the best. We like to think that we are the best goddamn country in the world so when our soccer coach is going public about how the American team has no chance, well, that isn’t going to be popular amongst the masses. This German sack of dicks can rip Kobe Bryant (correctly) all he wants to but writing off your team before one game is played is an odd course of action.

Look, you guys know how I feel about this. I won’t watch. I don’t support the sport. I am rooting against my own country because I want to see soccer die within our borders. Play a real sport please. This isn’t American.

So today is about drawing the line in the blogging sand and choosing your side so we know where everyone stands.

Are you going to watch The World Cup? Are you all-in on Team USA? Will you actually watch games featuring other countries? Can you name any players on the team now that Landon Donovan isn’t around? Is it enough to just make it out of pool play? Do “we” have any chance at all to win the whole shoot-and-match (Jim Redd term!)? Basically, do you care about The World Cup?

Who’s joining me on the anti-America wall? You want me on that wall. YOU NEED ME ON THAT WALL. I hope that we get embarrassed. But I will admit that I am mildly intrigued by Ghana having a witch doctor throwing curses at their opponents. THAT is an ELITE move right there. If you want me to concern myself with something that I hate, adding in some witchcraft is a nice start. Be happy that this is the only World Cup post that you will read here and it is just a means to identify who sucks and who rules. GO REST OF THE WORLD!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Mount Rushmore: TV Edition


"Shoot the J.  SHOOT IT!"



One thing I dig about this blog is that not everything has to be about sports.  G$ sometimes brings hot food TAEKS while Ace pisses in God's face.  Or figuratively slaps Mrs. Ward across the lips with his Ide sized lies about dogs.  Today it's time to talk boob.  The boob tube to be more specific.  We've talked before about terrible TV characters.  Ace came clean to the blogging world about his ghost sized erections.  We even let Ide get in on the fun with the best currently running TV shows.  But we've never done a Mount Rushmore of Best and Worst TV shows of all time.  Today is that day.

Mount Rushmore Best of all time

Beavis and Butthead - As a young child I knew I was watching something I wasn't supposed to be.  But I watched every last episode anyway.  To my knowledge, it was one of the first TV cartoon shows to ever push the envelope with toilet humor.  Parents fucking hated it and that made kids love it even more.  Brilliant marketing scheme.  Shows like South Park and Family Guy wouldn't be around if it weren't for Beavis and Butthead paving the way.

Breaking Bad - I STILL have friends who haven't watched this show in its entirety.  Some haven't even started it.  It makes me so fucking mad that someone would go out of their way to not watch arguably the best TV show ever made.  Breaking Bad did it the right way.  They took a brilliant idea, made an even more brilliant show and didn't drone on to the point where it needed to be dragged behind the barn to be put out of its misery.  Kill yourself if you haven't watched Breaking Bad.

Arrested Development - I will never understand why this show was euthanized so quickly. I've watched this entire series about 30 times and any time it's on TV I stop changing channels immediately.  If you've never heard of Arrested Development I really, honestly feel sorry for you.  If you've heard of it and refuse to watch it then I fucking hate you and want you to die.  Well, maybe not die...but definitely a nasty case of bloody diarrhea.

M.A.S.H. - LOL!  Just kidding, Grumpy.  Put your Jamie Farr boner away.

Chappelle's Show - Tragically, this show only made it 3 seasons because Dave Chappelle lost his fucking mind in the process of becoming the world's funniest human.  This is one of those shows where people will still be quoting it 50 years from now.  Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories is literally the best thing I've ever seen on a TV show.  Period.  I'm not sure if anything in the future will ever make me LOL the way that skit did.  God I miss that fucking show...

The Office wasn't included because it sucked hairy dong towards the end.  Same with Dexter.  A show has to be flawless from start to finish and cannot end painfully like those two did.  If Fargo continues more than one season and stays on its current path, it could possibly break into this Mount Rushmore.  For those who are not watching Fargo, correct that mistake right away.  Fucking tremendous.  Rumor has it True Detective is heading in that direction as well.  I'll decide for myself once my season 1 Bluray gets delivered (Thanks, Grumpy!).


Mount Rushmore Worst of all time

Sex and the City - Or as I like to call it...Whores Being Whores in New York.  Sarah Jessica Parker is not hot so a show about her being hot is fucking stupid to me.  And she has a fist nose.  This horrific creation started the "girls ordering martinis at a sports bar" craze which made me want to slam my dick in a car door.  Fuck everything about this show.

Grey's Anatomy - McDreamy, McSteamy, McCunty, McShutyourfuckingmouthalready.  How annoying was this show and those stupid fucking nicknames?  Plus any terrible show that is responsible for terrible spin off shows belongs on this list.  Grey's Anatomy was behind the unfortunate birth of at least one shitty show starring some broad that was probably just as crappy.  I would guess the spin off show made it 2 seasons before it was put out of its misery.

Desperate Housewives - The show that made it okay to try to murder your husband!  Or at least that's what I think it was about.  I don't know.  Just another stupid show for idiot women.

The Tom Green Show - Dumb as fuck.  Almost as dumb as Jackass.  I've never really found Tom Green all that funny and the show was just him going around being an annoying asshole.  Not for me.  Same with the Jackass TV show.

That's a wrap, dildos.  I'm sure there will be a lot of Seinfeld on Mount Rushmores today.  I'll never understand the popularity of that show.  Never.  I really wanted to put Transformers. G.I. Joe or X-Men cartoons on my Mount Rushmore but just couldn't.  I've rewatched stuff from my childhood I remember being awesome and it turns out that it wasn't very awesome after all.  I'm sure those cartoons would follow suit.  One more thing.  GO HEAT!

Monday, June 09, 2014

Open Forum: Choose Wisely

Outside of Manny Machado and California Chrome's owner going batshit insane, this weekend didn't offer up much to write about for this Nobel Prize Winning blogger.  So instead, we're going to talk about my Saturday and Sunday.  And no, this has nothing to do with birthing classes or family visiting (both were way better than expected).

So Lange and -Rex turned 30 last week and their wives cooked up some sort of a surprise shindig on Saturday night.  It was a fairly ELITE gathering of some of our best and brightest and good times were had by all.  Originally, the wife was going to come, too, but she had no energy left after classes and a bridal shower so I was left alone with no supervision.  The results were horrible.  I should never be left alone.

Big -Rex and I were playing a nice game of "Drink All of the Old Styles" which was great because Char Bar actually sells Old Style (and plays Pantera on the jukebox!)!  Then Dut bought me two long islands which apparently he dumped a brick of black tar heroin into because it was on.  I got home and immediately laid on the couch.  Not long after that, I wake up in a panic realizing that here comes the barf wagon.  I did not make it all the way to the bathroom in time.  I finished up my puke, opened the door, and saw my dog eating my hurl.  That's a fun thing to watch.

I get up at 10 (didn't actually do anything until 4:30!) to the wife asking me to clean up the rancid red sick that was still fermenting on the end table and coating a picture of her and her sisters.  I shamefully obliged.  Before my grandmother passed away, she gave all the grandkids a couple of ceramic hummingbirds that she collected as something to remember her by.  I spewed on it.  While trying to clean it, I broke it into a billion pieces.
At around 12:30, I thought about getting up so I made a pot of coffee.  I took one sip and went sprinting to the toilet again for round 2 of violent vomiting.  I was oh so close to puking and shitting my pants simultaneously or, as I like to call it, the definition of ELITE.  Instead, I gave myself a good hard look in the mirror as tears streamed down my face and snot is everywhere.  Seriously, bros, I puke VIOLENTLY.  I forced myself to go to the gym and sweat it out around 5 and that did the trick.  I am never drinking again. 
LOL yeah right.  I really need to work on that moderation thing though.  I seem to go balls to the wall every time I leave the house (which isn't very often).  I blame The Wig Master.  He should have been there instead of babysitting Li'l Lange.

Anyway, today's question is simple: I'm allowing you one brand of beer to drink over the next three years.  You can have nothing else but the type that you pick but you can have as much as you want.  What are you picking?

This is a tougher question than you might think.  You may love Guinness but EVERY DAY?  I'll pick original Spaten out of Germany.  It is terrific.  It is something that I could drink with dinner, after yard work, at a bar...very versatile brew-dog.  Make your choice and remember that you run the risk of ridicule when you pick Icehouse, Iceman.

I'm a 33 year old stud about to become a dad.  I should probably consider slowing down on the old drink-till-I-puke practice.  I'm going to be a terrific father.