Friday, May 30, 2014

Chillin' Like A Villain

Mind if I blow you, sir?
The word “villain” gets tossed around a lot these days in the sports world and I’m not sure that it truly applies in most circumstances. Even if he has proven to be a horrible husband, people still love Tiger Woods. LeBron was temporarily a villain after The Decision but everyone’s stance on him has softened (I know from experience, dude). The US World Cup team might qualify but no one that matters cares about them. The point of the villain is that everyone has to hate you. Well, outside of your own fan base. Total strangers have to want to watch you die as opposed to watch you compete one more time. Lance Stephenson can keep doing whatever it is that he is trying to do but it isn’t working and amounts to nothing more than an average troll job with homoerotic tendencies. He’s got the first name to match with the ear blowing for sure. Evan Turner was called “The Villain” by Titus and watching him destroy the Pacers might make his moniker accurate actually.  Either way, it's time to identify the real shitbirds of the sports world.

So who are the biggest true villains of the past—I don’t know—30 years? I was able to piece together a Mount Rushmore(!) on this actually so you know that this is ELITE. I’ve come up with four categories: Owner, Coach, Player, and Team.

OWNER: Donald Sterling – OBVZ. I’m kind of hoping that he goes with the scorched earf mentality here. I don’t want him to lay down his sword. I want him to go all Braveheart on the PC Police. It was disheartening to hear that his wife was going to accept offers this week. But I was pumped to hear that Big Don changed his mind and now wants to fight to the literal death. THIS MAN is truly hated by all.

COACH: Urban Meyer – Oh yeah, total shithead that nobody likes or respects. The easiest coach to root against out there. I think that it speaks volumes that Florida fans despise him.  Nicky SabeCakes might be close but he actually has a winning record against Clemson (no idea if hes ever even faced them).

PLAYER: Alex Rodriguez – Does anyone else even come close? He cheated. He lied. He lied some more. He kept cheating. He could have went down as the greatest baseball to ever live. Now, not only do opposing fans hate him but I would guess that 99% of Yankees fans loathe him, too (NOT ME!!!). The best part about A-Rod is how dumb he is. When he comes back, he will get the shit booed out of him and then say after the game that it was great to get back out there and play in front of these great fans. He is totally oblivious to reality.

TEAM: The U – It was either them or The Bad Boys. Both teams truly embraced the role of the villain and gave no fucks about what you thought of them. They were brash. They played dirty. They fought. I will give The Bad Boys a little credit because they worked hard and busted their asses every night. The U didn’t do that. They relied on talent and swag. Those Canes teams should have won at least 5 titles in a row. They barely won any. Let’s not forget that Jerry Sandusky’s finest coaching moment (outside of watching Mike McQueery shower) was upsetting The U when they showed up to the Fiesta Bowl in fatigues (chronologically, this might not be accurate…DEAL WITH IT).

So there we go. My Mount Rushmore of ELITE Sports Villains is truly ELITE. You won’t find one decent person who tries to argue against this. Now if you don’t mind, I need to spend all weekend figuring out how I can photoshop Lance Stephenson blowing into the ear of centaur A-Rod. I’ve got big plans as you can see.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Field Day Ain't What It Used To Be

NOT Field Day!
I've been out most of this week because I have been running field day at school. I'm going to get to that. But I want to address a couple recent happenings first.

*Are the Spurs in trouble? FUCK YES! Again, without Ibaka I was so fucking unbelievably certain
that this series would be over in 5. Mostly because that meant that Adams and Perk were the only bigs they could put on the floor. Now Ibaka is back and his presence is killing us. OKC is dominating the boards. I said Splitter was ass last week and this is exactly why, he's a giant fucking Euro pussy. Obviously, this isn't all on Splitter. There's a lot of blame to go around. I hope Pop changes up the rotations and Ginobili, Diaw and Mills get a lot more PT. Belinelli should get zero run, and Green and Splitter should see less time.

* LOLZ at G$ and his Cavs talk. Until Bron comes back into that locker room you are irrelevant...which I think you understand, but just wanted to point out.

*Bragging about making money at a garage sale is about the most white trash thing you can do. "Hey, you see all this stuff I paid $500 for when I bought it? I'll sell it to you for $20. I'M RICH, BIATCH!"

So today we are going to be talking about Field Day. The last time I competed, and note the word COMPETED, in Field Day it was probably 1996. I was a 5th grader in Ms. G's class and we had some serious athletes(not affletes as we were all white). I was never much of a speedster, so my forte was always more of the stremph variety...such as kickball/ long throw/ tug of war. I feel like those, along with the sprint, are the cornerstones of a solid field day extravaganza. Oh, and horrible fucking parents. Can't forget that part.

Well guess what, that shit is dead and gone. Or at least it is at my school. Here is a run down of the "stations" we had going for our field day. Mind you, I have absolutely no say over what goes on as far as these stations.

  1. Inflatable Castle/Water slide. Seriously, just a bunch of kids climbing up some inflatable castle and then sliding down the slide with a sprinkler attached to it. Somehow kids did this for 20 minutes straight and gave no fucks. I did go down it once yesterday because it was 90 degrees and the kids were at lunch. I want one now.
  2. "Game Station". This was my primary station. I basically came up with 5 games that I would have the kids play depending on grade level and respect for authority. We rotated between a) Bean bag slingshot launch: Which was meant to have kids aim at a bullseye on a tarp about 50 feet away, but quickly turned into kids launching them at their teachers, b) Sack Race: Exactly what is sounds like, c) Hula Hoop Pass: This is where I make the kids hold hands in a big circle and have to get their bodies through a hula hoop and then help their neighbor. You know, a real team builder. I also call this the ring of death because apparently there is one kid in every class who has ringworm, and d) I make up random shit for them to do for 20 minutes. My personal favorite. This is what happens when I get 50 kindergarten hyenas thrown at me. We play Simon Says and do relay races through the jungle gym.
  3. Slip N Slide. This is where I put together two tarps and coat them with dish soap and have somebody else spray the kids down as the go through it. Because stereotypes.
  4. Bike station. Kids literally get on bikes that have been salvaged and are on their last legs and ride them in a circle. There are some scooters mixed in. It stays friendly with everybody going in the same direction for about the first 15 minutes. The last 5 is demolition derby time.
  5. Snow cones and cotton candy. Crazy kids? Threaten them with missing out on cotton candy and snow cones as they watch their friends enjoy them. Problem solver.
The highlight of my day? Watching a kid go full Ricky Bobby on fire on the playground. I didn't know this kid. The students who got to participate in Field Day today don't go to class on my wing so I have almost zero interaction with them throughout the school year. And I have no idea what started this event. All I saw was this kid rolling on the ground throwing a tantrum. His teacher says something like, "Are you on fire? Is that a stop, drop and roll?" And I could just see the light bulb go on in this kids head, he had a genius idea. So he gets up and just starts flying around the playground shedding his clothes(this was a water-centric day so it wasn't that crazy to see) screaming out "HELP ME JESUS! HELP ME OPRAH!" He it just tearing through every station and nobody can stop him. And I don't want to stop him. I am hoping it lasts forever. But when he finally decides he is done, he belly flops right into pool below the water slide. It was three glorious minutes that he nor I will ever forget.

But Field Day isn't what it used to be, folks. We are in a world of non-competition and it has filtered all the way down to what is supposed to be the most glorious day of an elementary schoolers life. Field day has become a watered down, kumbaya slumber party where everybody has to play nice and enjoy their treats. Everybody's a friend. Nobody loses. Everybody wins. And you can't make the kids with ringworm sit out because that's just mean.

And this isn't even about the pussification of Murica. It's about how awesome Field Day used to be. I don't think I ever won an event(I was the Buffalo Bills of Field Day), but I still enjoyed it, looked forward to it and remember it like it was yesterday. You and your classmates came out in your team colors. Everybody had their best events that they were participating in that day. And even though you knew you had some worthless teammates, you still cheered them on because you wore the same colors. What happened to the crab walk? How about the wheel barrow race? 4 man relay?

Forget about Memorial Day. I want Field Day back, America.

(I bet Ide was the crab walk king)

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Cavaliers Hold The Keys: Part 1

Holy shit...I forgot that LeBron got Drew Gooden to The Finals
It was one week ago that your Cleveland Cavaliers shocked the world and did the only ELITE thing that they do anymore: winning the Draft Lottery. I know that I’m still shocked. I was not expecting this at all. The Cavs seem to only get good picks when the draft class fucking BLOWS. Now they are captaining the best Draft since 2003 (that they also started). People like Simmons can piss and moan all they want to but he was applauding his Celtics for tanking down the stretch while the Cavs were actually trying to get into the playoffs (although this was done in a bizarre and idiotic way). Teams that don’t tank SHOULD be the teams getting lucky in the lottery.

Anyway, we are actually going to split this post into two days (Day 2: TBA). It is both exciting and terrifying that the Cavs hold the big keys for the entire league this Summer. Not only do they have a ton of cap space but they also have the most coveted #1 draft pick since LeBron. I WANT to believe that there is no way that they can screw this up and you wouldn’t think that even they could. But you’ve seen this team operate ever since The Decision. It hasn’t really been a model of competency. We will talk about who they should pick at #1 on Draft Night later. Today, I want to talk about everything else.

If you ask me, the most important move this offseason is the hiring of our next coach. Mike Brown #2 was a disgrace. Everyone knew that that was stupid. It’s another black eye on an already battered and bruised spouse of a franchise. But the Cavs (now) are on the cusp of something big. If the first move is executed correctly, this downtrodden franchise can put the pieces in motion to not only be a playoff team, but to be a title contender immediately (yeah, I'm saying it). Sure, it requires a perfect scenario, but it isn’t all that far-fetched, bruh. I would assume that the coach comes first. Fuck this noise about Del Negro and Alvin Gentry and Adrian Griffin. Those are nobodies. I want George Karl. I’d be perfectly happy with Calipari or Billy Donovan or Izzo or Fred Hoiberg (although none of those guys seem all that likely). If you see the name “David Fizdale” come to the forefront—oh boy—now shit is getting, dare I say, HEATed. Needless to say, the Cavs CAN NOT hire another turd. Otherwise this beautiful post is as worthless as Sergei Karasev.

The whole Kyrie Irving extension mess got a little less cloudy this past week. How the fuck does he leave NOW? Then again, I asked that same question before The Decision LOLZ!  He’s getting a new coach (who I assume he will have at least some input on) and is about to get an ELITE talent to play with for the next four years. Yeah, he’s signing that max extension. He would be a damn fool not to.

Everyone else on the roster can be had though. The Cavs are already apparently fielding sign and trade offers on Luol Deng. I would be lying if I said that I would miss him. Sure, he’s a fine player but he’s too old and broken down to give big money to. There are markets out there for guys like Spencer Hawes, Tristan, and Dion if the return is right. Hell, there is even a market for Anthony Bennett. Speaking of which…

I’m tired of people ripping on the kid. News flush: that entire draft class was horseshit. ALL OF IT. Michael Carter-Williams and Oladipo are both average players. It isn’t like the Cavs passed on some once in a generation talent. They took the guy with the best offensive skill set. It’s not like Bennett’s career is over anyway. He just had surgery to correct a sleep apnea issue (that killed Reggie White by the way) so maybe we will see what he’s all about next year. Or maybe he sucks just like the rest of his peers. What I’m saying here is that I am not giving up on him.

That leads me to the #1 pick. Not so much as who they should draft, but that it is available to be had. And this pick is so goddamn gorgeous. Everyone in the league wants it. I was able to come up with only 8 players (obviously no PGs were included) that I would trade this year’s #1 pick for:

Carmelo Anthony, James Harden, Dwight Howard, Anthony Davis, Kevin Love, Kevin Durant, LeBron James, and Blake Griffin

That’s it. That’s the list. If I’m David Griffin and any other organization calls me and inquires about #1, I’m hanging up because I've got a dollar bill in my pocket and I'm not accepting spare change for it.  And only one of those guys is on the open market right now (although it would be ELITE if for some reason the Pelicans put Davis on the table).

Bros, I'm having many no homo dreams about Kevin Love this past week and I want him so badly.  He will be dealt before the Draft.  The aforementioned Simmons doesn't think that any other team could top our best offer (I agree).  Hell, some insiders like Chris Mannix think it's possible to get Love without giving up the #1 (I disagree)!  The problem here is obvious.  Love would have to agree to an extension before a deal is finalized.  Love for #1 and some filler would already be done now if he signed on for four years total (which would put him back on the market at 29 FWIW).  This pick is SO valuable that we would need an extension in place before acquiring someone like Love.

I have no idea how realistic this is and neither do you.  What we do know is that all of these guys talk to each other and work up shady deals that the public doesn't know about.  My dream scenario is for David Griffin to hire George Karl, re-sign Kyrie for 3 additional years (4 total after this option year), trade for Kevin Love by using the #1 and Tristan Thompson, and then (gasp) LeBron comes back ASAP.  Give us four years with Kyrie/LeBron/Love and others.  If Cleveland can't win a title with that then they never will.  THAT IS A DREAM DAMMIT. 

It's kind of cool that--for me at least--holding on to the #1 pick is the worst case scenario.  And that TOTES is a great place to be and something that Dan Gilbert does not deserve.  I'm just glad that Chris Grant isn't calling the shots anymore.  We'll talk about who they should pick if they keep #1 at a later date.  Either way, it should be a fun Summer in revitalized Cleveland.  First, there was Johnny Football and Josh Gordon's drug problems and now Kevin Love and LeBron are going to win 14 straight titles for the Cavaliers!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Hey! Come Buy My Trash!

"Hey Iceman.  I have a 30 dollar bill burning a hold in my pocket."

Moving sucks cock.  Hairy cock.  About the only thing worse than moving is setting up and executing a garage sale for all the shit you no longer need/no longer forced to keep.  Like Wheelz never ending stuffed animal collection.  Fuckin, A man.  Sometimes I question how old she is.  But I will say it feels pretty awesome purging the home of all the stupid garbage people have gifted over the years.  There's nothing worse than someone who sucks pig balls at gifting.  It's not that hard!  Just pay attention, idiot.  When have I ever had a passionate conversation with you about candles?  Never.  So don't buy me one, asshole.

One positive, and something that absolutely rules, is opening the sale early to friends and family and the person who originally gave the shitty gift finds it in the Curtis Jackson 50 cent pile.  Whatever.  It's not my fault you are a terrible gift giver.  Step up your fuckin game and maybe I'll keep your shit next time.  And no...I don't feel bad I'm selling the present you gave me for pennies because I give awesome gifts and you bought me an $8 toaster in return.  Eat a fart.

Another thing I love about garage sales is digging through boxes and finding nostalgia from Wheelz' youth that I was never meant to see.  Like her "Cuss Book" from when she was 13 years old.  Yes I read every page and yes it was the most hilarious fucking thing ever.  Great ammo to have for later on.  Cuss Book.  The name still slays me.

Anyway, that's what I'll be doing today.  Selling the shit I'm too good for to all of the mongoloids in the greater Toledo area.  Should be some mighty fine people watching today.  And for those who care (Grumpy), after roughly 4 long years...the attic finally got organized.  Because I gutted it and I'm in the process of selling all the worthless trash up there that never needed to be organized in the first place.  Finally, some thoughts from last night's game:

I had a chance to catch Stephen A. SMIFF'S rant about being called an "Uncle Tom" during a commercial break.  Here it is and I highly suggest watching it if you have not already.  It really is tremendous.

Rarely do I agree with the nonsense SMIFF spews but this time he nailed it.  I don't think I've nodded that many times during a 7 minute video in my life.  From behind it probably looked like I was trying to suck my own dick.  The best part is when he undresses the loser fuck thugs who start every sentence with "Know wat I'm sayyyin?'.  Golden.

-I think George Hill and Mario Chalmers are having a contest to see who can complain the most about not getting the calls superstar players are used to getting.  I'm pretty sure Hill has the slight lead.

-David West has never committed a foul in his life.  Did you guys know that?  I'm surprised he doesn't lose his voice every night with all the bitching he does.

-Ace needs to re-do his playoff rankings and take Hibbert completely out of it.  Dude is fucking worthless out there.  He got punked by a center who isn't a center and by a guy who probably goes about 6'8" realistically.  Dare I say...OVERRATED??

-Lance Stephenson just continues to LOL the shit out of me.  CLEARLY you're in LeBron James' head, dick wad.  Oh yeah...and way to smack talk Lebron and back it up with a 9 point masterpiece last night, turd.  Which insane Stevenson rivalry vs. LeBron is more LOL?  Lance or DeShawn?  They are both equally sad and hilarious, IMO.

-I guess we can also talk about Willis Reed Serge Ibaka's miraculous return and how it will spearhead the Thunder into making my prediction of OKC in 6 come true.  I'm sure Ace will puff up in the comments and pretend to not be scared.  But we all know the truth.  In all honestly I really don't get it.  I don't understand how you go from, HE GONE for the entire playoffs to playing starters minutes in game 3.  Just bizarre.

I hope everyone enjoyed their National BBQ Day events yesterday.  I spent it setting up a garage sale, sweating and smelling like a mule barn by the end of the day.  Honestly...people need to fucking get over themselves with those Memorial Day Facebook posters.  We all understand what Memorial Day is about and I certainly don't need a lecture from some dickless twat who thinks it's patriotic to wear American Flag pants.  Fuck off.  End of rant.

Friday, May 23, 2014


To close out this blogging week in style and to send us all into a lovely three day weekend, I think it is only fair that we talk about racism. This site is many things, but we ALWAYS have the hottest taeks on the internet when it comes to race. Why I’d whip the back of any man that would question that claim, I would! We are all collectively qualified to address the issue of race relations in America because every single one of us owns a color TV no offense. Anyway, sports owner and reality TV maven, Mark Cuban, is in some hot water after publicly admitting to stereotyping and not having completely pure thoughts. I assume that this was in response to the Sterling fiasco otherwise I have no idea why Cubes would be saying anything about race. To the quote!

“I also try not to be a hypocrite. I know I'm prejudiced. I know I'm bigoted in a lot of different ways,” he said. “I've said this before. If I see a black kid in a hoodie at night on the same side of the street, I'm probably going to walk to other side of the street. If I see a white guy with a shaved head and lots of tattoos, I'm going back to the other side of the street. If I see anybody that looks threatening, and I try not to, but part of me takes into account race and gender and image. I'm prejudiced. Other than for safety issues, I try to always catch my prejudices and be very self-aware.”

Again, not sure why this really smart guy felt the need to get these thoughts out in the open, but he did so let’s all wait for Al Sharpton to finish sharpening his pitchfork and the rest of the LAMEstream media to blow this way out of proportion. We good? OK, I have no problem with this. If you actually listen to him and read what he is trying to say, then you would easily see that this is NOTHING like the Sterling quotes (as some idiots are trying to imply). Sterling has spent his entire lifetime taking basic human rights away from minorities. Mark Cuban just doesn’t like walking near crumb bums.

The only thing that you can really accuse Cuban for here is being afraid of sketchy looking dudes. Or, you know, not wanting to get close to inked-up assholes. Just wait until he meets Grumpy. What’s wrong with that? Dude is a billionaire! Now, let’s not act like Mark Cuban is walking by himself on dark and dangerous sidewalks after dark anyway but, then again, if it can happen to Bruce Wayne’s parents then it can happen to anyone! If you see a group of street toughs admiring your armoire, you cross the street. I find it perfectly reasonable and absolutely NOT prejudiced at all to avoid shady characters. Black, white, yellow, probably black again…if you look like the type that has something to hide, I’m going to avoid you.

Stereotyping saves lives, people! Why would you trust someone that you don’t even know? That makes no sense. So I say kudos to you, Mark Cuban, for unnecessarily getting involved in a controversy that is easily avoidable! Liberal pussies may hate you, but this site applauds your efforts. Bomani Jones, who is normally a pretty smart guy, going after Cuban on Twitter was grossly uncalled for and pathetic by the way.

On the other hand, you 50 shitbird senators (mostly DUMBocrats with nothing better to do OBVZ) demanding that Goodell force the REDSKINS to change their name: GIVE IT A REST. I’ll tell you what: I will get the REDSKINS to change their name when the government gets rid of the Tea Party. Deal? Exactly. Fucking asshole politicians are so worthless (especially in NW Ohio). Worry about your own shit instead of something that doesn’t concern you, Harry Reid. Like you even know any Native Americans anyway.

That will do it for this week, you bigots. Just know that every time that you avoid eye contact with a black guy, you are pretty much lynching him apparently. God damn, the media sucks. When old Screamin’ A Smiff shows up on SportsCenter immediately and says that this isn’t a big deal at all, you know that it isn’t a big deal at all. Now let’s all sit back and LOL at the people who you know are going to surface and demand that Cuban is banned from the NBA for life. Have a good, long, and inebriated weekend, folks, and we’ll be back on Tuesday with Iceman’s usual unemployed nonsense.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

NBA Individual Player Playoff OVERRankings!!!

Happy Thursday! Now Strap In!
I feel like I need to officially address this because it is just so fucking dumb. The artist formerly known as Iceman has been on this crusade of Stephen A Smiff shouting that the Spurs are OVERRATED. To me, this seems like the dumbest thing he has ever said in the history of this site...and that's a really dumb fucking list to be atop of. Lets take a look at some of the exchanges we have had over this matter.

 Well that escalated quickly. Glad G Money weighed in, though.

And then this little exchange happened as Game 1 was tipping off:

And we saw in the comments this week that he is bad at math and logic, and it has only been 6 years since the Spurs last title. You see kids, don't be a fucktard. You can be an ass hole, you can be a troll, but don't ever find yourself in that middle ground of fucktardedness. It's a bad look. Even if it looks great on Iceman.

In an effort to properly RATE the teams remaining in the playoffs, I think ranking the Top 20 players left in these playoffs should give us a pretty good idea of who should be winning the title this year, and who is OVERRATED. Leggo.

1. Lebron James. There isn't an argument here. He's the best basketball player on the planet.
2. Kevin Durant. Who ever thought a black dude named Kevin would be an ELITE basketball player? But he's damn near 7 foot and silky smooth. No argument here either.
3. Russell Westbrook. These rankings are based purely off talent. I don't ever want to see him in a Spurs jersey because I hate the way he plays PG, but his talent is undeniable. Just a horrible fit with Durant. He's also a really dirty player who cries constantly.
4. Paul George. 22 ppg, 8 boards, 4 assists and shooting 42% from 3? Without him they get swept by Atlanta. I don't know if he's a #SUPERSTAR yet, but he's damn close. And if he doesn't get concussed I think the Heat would be down 2-0.
5. Tony Parker. He has been shredding anybody who dared to try and guard him. I've always liked Tony Parker, but I've never loved him because I don't like having a PG that can't shoot 3's. Tony Parker is obviously the exception.
6. Dwayne Wade. I know old man Wade can't do what he used to. I know he's lost the majority of his explosion. But he's still one of the best players left in the playoffs. He still gets his on a nightly basis, just playing the sidekick role now.
7. Tim Duncan. Mr. Fundamental is still getting it done. With Ibaka out his numbers should look really good beating the Thunder in 5.
8. David West. With Roy Hibbert being invisible in the postseason(minus Game 1...and Game 2) West has been carrying the load down low for the Pacers. 15-6-4 isn't bad from what is supposed to be your 3rd best player.
9. Kawhi Leonard. (Holy shit did the Spurs rob the Pacers to get his guy) I get serious boner rage when I see Kawhi and his corn rows. 1) because you only see corn rows in the hood, and 2) because he is the fucking bees knees. Pop is grooming him to be a stud and it looks like he is the future of the Spurs.
10. Serge Ibaka. OBVS he is out for the rest of the playoffs, but he is the glue for OKC. Without him in the middle OKC doesn't have a chance.
11.Chris Bosh. Ol' soft ass raptor looking ass. Bosh would be awesome in Beilein's system. Unfortunately, that doesn't do shit for him in these playoffs.
12. Roy Hibbert. Every time he plays the Heat he shows up and dominates. Which I think is awesome because that means the Spurs will destroy them in the Finals. He's a giant emotional tampon, though.
13. Manu Ginobili. Is Ginobili really the 13th best player left? Maybe I just turn the channel when he is doing awful and then miss his hot streaks, because that is all he is good for at this point. There is nothing consistent about his game. He is just as likely to get a turnover as he is an assist. I love the guy, and Pop does too, but having him on the floor gives me a panic attack.
14. Lance Stephenson. Larry Bird's favorite player and beatdown king of Evan "The Villain" Turner. What's not to like? Other than everything. But it's good to have some nasty in the increasingly soft NBA.
15. George Hill.  I've always like Hill. He plays hard, finds his role on the team, and hit several big shots for the Spurs. But he's not a good point guard. He's like a really really really poor mans Russell Westbrook. I think that makes sense.
16. Reggie Jackson. Not Mr. October. But I really like Jackson's game, especially with a guy like Durant next to him. He knows his role and he shuts his mouth. He isn't going to take 30 shots. He's going to distribute and get his within the offense. He's the reason the Thunder should trade Westbrook tomorrow.
17. Tiago Splitter. This clown had so much hype, but he's just a big goon. But he's a big goon playing for Pop.
18. Boris Diaw. Dude plays every position and does it pretty well. He's also a black man named Boris.
19. Danny Green. Maybe sitting here watching Game 2 is influencing me a bit here, but this spot really comes down to this; would you rather have Ray Allen or Danny Green? It's Danny Green. And he also plays D.
Mr. Irrelevant:  Ray Allen. This is one of those lifetime achievement nods. If he's only shooting 33% from 3 then he is basically worthless. But he can still hit the big shot...and Jesus Shuttlesworth.
(I think Patty Mills is the next best player. He brings immediate production off the bench and plays like he's a starter.)

Of the best 20 players still playing in the playoffs, I think the Spurs have 7/8 of them. The Spurs should win the title this year and I think they will. I don't think the Heat have been that impressive. Obviously Lebron is the best, but Pop is so ready to see them again. And if somehow the Spurs get the Pacers they will sweep them. Book that shit.

So lets all tell Iceman, or whoever, HOW INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID it is to call the Spurs overrated. Maybe he doesn't know what it means. That's really the only explanation.

Scott Brooks is bad at coaching basketball. Like, Mike Brown bad. Like, Reggie Miller commentating bad. Just felt like that needed to be said.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Open Forum: Back Off, I'm On The Road All Day

Anyone who thinks that tubby Kate Upton is superior to the flawless Marisa Miller can get raped by a rhino
By the time that most of you sit down on the toilet to read this, I will (hopefully) already be somewhere in northern Indiana on my way back to Columbus. I can't stress this enough: Indiana is the most boring state ever. Why the stretch of highway from Indy to Chicago is only two lanes will never make a (French) lick of sense to me. Obviously, since I am being an ELITE driver this morning, I won't be able to respond to my numerous haters in the comments and thus must make today a friendly mail-in effort. That is not easy with some of YOU PEOPLE.

Now, I know what you're thinking, why didn't he just trade days with one of the other goobers that work here? Fuck you, bro, when I have an opportunity to work the system to my advantage, I'm going to do it. Don't tell me how to do my job.

Anyway, the one very vague idea that I had for today is to treat this like an AA meeting. But instead of standing up and admitting that you are an alcoholic, be a man and confront a REAL problem. Everyone likes the sweet taste of alcohol but it takes a real man to admit that they don't like ribs or something. That's what we're going for today...personal growth and the opportunity to laugh at everyone and maybe develop a few long term LULZ such as "Ide loves Train" or "FUCK YOU CAKES". I'll go first.

Hi everyone, my name is G$, and I'm a fan of Frank Caliendo. I'm not kidding. I think he's funny and always have. On my old desktop computer, there were a ton of old Caliendo bits on there that I downloaded from LimeWire (LULZ!).  Sure, he got a little overplayed throughout the years and his impressions are much better when heard not seen, but I think that he is rock solid when it comes to his impersonations. Like I said, once they dressed him up and put him on camera...yeeeesh, not good. But when he calls into Mike and Mike or whatever he is still the best. I freely admit to HATING his George W Bush impression but his Gruden is fantastic and more than makes up for it. Madden is kind of pointless in 2014 but evolving with a Mel Kiper and Sir Charles is great.

I don't care what you people think. CALIENDO IS FOREVER MUY CALIENTE!

I'm sure that there is other stuff to talk about. The NBA Lottery was last night and the Cavs left Gilbert's weiner kid at home this year ensuring no luck. UPDATE: I just spent 3 hours in the pouring rain watching a lousy game but the Cavs won the lottery AGAIN!  YAY!  There is actually big time talent this year!  There will be another post down the road with more in DEPF analysis for how to un-fuck the luckiest shit franchise in sports.  But that day is not today.  I might check in later if we stop for lunch in Fuckass, IN or wherever. Behave yourselves, kiddies, and remember that Grandpa Grump is in charge until I get back.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

"Unloading my shit in 3...2...1..."

BOOM!  Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers.  The Iceman is fucking back you slack jawed shit sacks.  Before we get into how much you all missed my salty nuts, let me explain what happened.  So you all remember a few months back when some nutless turd at my job ratted me out for the amount of time I was spending on my phone/interwebs, yes?  Well, a few weeks ago my ex-employer finally finished the job and removed me from my duties altogether.  I'M OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED!!  That means I can finally take the chains off and bring myself back.  The reason behind the termination was complete horse shit, FYI.  I'm still waiting on a few details to be ironed out from the whole thing so I won't go into many specifics in case I'm still being spied on.

If you're that curious to know the dirty details of how shit went down, you all know how to reach me.  Now let the celebration of the triumphant return of The Iceman continue!

I really don't know what to post today and haven't given much thought to it since I'm currently in Florida searching for a new place to permanently rest my ass in a few months.  But what I do know is that when I come back for RibFest next year I'll be wearing a Tim Tenor jersey to honor the man that made RibFest a legendary event.  I'll make Grumpy kiss the, jersey.  What I also know is that house hunting in a college town blows grown up man penis.

I guess I'll just bitch about some things today then.

I wish the Browns would just shut the fuck up when it comes to all things Manziel.  This kid is going to float off into the God damn stratosphere if the Browns don't get this media circus under control.  They're making themselves look like a bunch of amateurs out there.  Well...I guess that fits since the Browns have been playing amateur football since 1999.  As if the fans of this shit hole team need more invisible hooks to hang their fleeting hopes on, yesterday Pettine added to it.  APPARENTLY...Jon Manziel was "very impressive" at rookie camp and "succeeded in every aspect of the 3-day camp".  Jesus, here we go.  TOOT!  TOOT!  ALL ABOARD THE HYPE TRAIN!!  LAST STOP, 4-12VILLE!!!  When asked about Manziel's camp why can't you just say, "He did fine.  Next question." and move on?  Oh.  Because we're the Browns and we can't make smart decisions.

Speaking of the Browns...Greg Little was picked up by the Raiders yesterday.  Or Browns Lite as I like to call them.  Christ.  Can you think of a more Raider move than claiming Greg Little off waivers?  I hope I always have the Raiders to bail me out when I'm feeling really crappy about the Browns.

Then there's LeSean McCoy calling himself the best running back in the NFL.  The only person that agrees with you is Mr. Ape.  Because he's an asshat homer.  The LOLest part of this story is how McCoy admitted his own brother doesn't even consider him the best back in the NFL.  Amazing.  Listen.  He's a great back and he's TOTES in the top 5.  But he's not better than AP.  Shit, just for craps and smiles...

1. AP
2. Lynch
3. McCoy
4. Charles
5. Forte

Better than G$'s bitchin "ELITE" rankings, that's for sure.

That should give us enough shit to argue about today.  But the important thing is that The Iceman is officially back.  Uncork your finest $13 bottle of Rumplemintz and let's toast to my greatness.  Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down.  That's God damn right.

Monday, May 19, 2014

The MLB Season At The Quarter Pole

This little booger-eating Cubs fan is a combo of Buke, Larry, and Prime
Tonight, after work, I will be loading up the wife into the car via forklift and heading to Chicago.  I try to attend at least one MLB game per season and tomorrow is that day.  It is really sad that this is my yearly goal considering that I live within 3 hours of four damn teams and 90 minutes from downtown Cincinnati.  My laziness is legendary.  Anyway, I get to watch Tatanka shut out the Cubs (again) from some box seats at Wrigley and that is cool by me.  Tomorrow is when the Cubs plan on honoring the career of Derek Jeter which should also bring out all the stars.  I expect to become immediate best friends with Vince Vaughn, Bill Murray, Jeff Garlin, and Ditka.  I might even try to get them to contribute here.  Since I am in a baseball mindset, let's talk about the first quarter of the season today before I hit the road.

After 40+ games, you can pretty much see how things are going to go.  I don't need another month or two to know that the AL Central race is already over and that the Diamondbacks, Pirates, Cubs, and Astros have already been eliminated from the postseason.  So let's hand out some awards that mean nothing (just like AL pennant rings, Dut!).

Best Team AL: Detroit - They have the best record by far and will go the entire season without breaking a sweat.  But you still have to win the games and they are.  The last team to roll through a season wire to wire was the '98 Yankees and this Tigers team is not the '98 Yankees.  They've peaked too early (I hope).
Best Team NL: San Francisco - We should have known that this was coming.  They win a Series, miss the playoffs, win another series, and then miss the playoffs.  Remember when they swept the Tigers two years ago?  That was ELITE.  I'm really happy that the Sauls were there to witness that.

Most Disappointing Team AL: Texas - This was a very coveted award as you could easily have given this to Cleveland or Tampa Bay and their idiot "genius" manager but I'll give credit to the team trailing goddamn Seattle in the West.
Most Disappointing Team NL: Cincinnati - I expected Pittsburgh to go back to suck this year but I didn't expect the Reds to be so mediocre.  To be fair, they've dealt with a lot of injuries to important players but it's not like they were scoring a ton when they were healthy anyway.

Most Surprising Team AL: Oakland - HOW DO THEY KEEP DOING THIS!  The A's have the best run differential in the league at +85.  The next highest in all of baseball is the Tigers at +51.  That says it all.  I still think that the Tigers are better though because they beat the A's in the playoffs every goddamn year and it is annoying.
Most Surprising Team NL: Miami - Well, they're still over .500 so give them some credit.  It would have been interesting to see how long they could stay in the wild card race had Fernandez not gotten hurt. 

AL MVP: Derek Jeter - Eh, no one else is standing out so far and this would right the wrong from the year that Morneau stole the award from #2.  Yep, Derek Jeter is the MVP every season.  YEAH JEETS!
NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki - We better acknowledge him before he gets hurt and you know that that is coming.

AL Least Valuable Player: Prince Fielder - You know, maybe he just sucks. 
NL Least Valuable Player: Curtis Granderson - He has more home runs at Yankee Stadium this season than in his home park and is hitting well under .200.  The Mets signed him to a 4 year/60 million dollar deal a few months ago.

AL Rookie of the Year: Masahiro Tanaka - This decision was made a lot easier after Jose Abreu went on the DL yesterday.
NL Rookie of the Year: Billy Hamilton - No one else is really challenging as George Springer has yet to be ELITE for the Astros.  After a God awful start, BH has been pretty good for the underachieving Deads.

AL Cy Young Winner: Max Scherzer - Barely.  I give him a slight nod over Tanaka just because it's harder to repeat a terrific season and he is somehow better.  And when you take the ELITE Joe Flacco path to free agency, well, that has proven to be an ELITE decision.  This is a two horse race.
NL Cy Young Winner: Johnny Cueto - This is not even close.  Hopefully, he can stay off the DL.  The Reds should be embarrassed that Cueto has a 1.25 ERA yet has 2 losses.

A few HOT TAEKS that don't fall under any of the above categories!
*Pretty sure that 2014 Mark Buehrle is the biggest fluke ever.
*The Indians are terrible but not because of why you would think.  Masterson and Salazar have been bad while the other guys who you thought sucked have not.  Strange season for the Tribe so far but they aren't making the fake playoffs again this season. Sorry, bros.
*I refuse to believe that Rick Porcello has finally figured it out.  Dude blows.  At least he isn't going bald like that faggot, Verlander, though.  Kate Upton is such a fat loser.  She will never be as ELITE as Marisa Miller.
*Isn't it hilarious that the Yankees unearth some weirdo that dominates every season.  This year's main man, Yangervis Solarte, is currently 4th in the AL in BA.  LOL!
*As someone who considers Joe Maddon to be about the most OVERRATED person in all of sports, I am more than happy to see the Rays fail miserably this season.
*What was my World Series pick before the season?  Was it Yankees over Nationals?  I'll stick with that.  The Yankees are dealing with a lot of injuries with their standard class and dignity at the moment but I still like the makeup of the team.  Big Dellin Betances out of the bullpen has been incredible unless you are against 6'8" giants that throw in the upper 90s with an unhittable curve ball.

Plenty of room for some hot takes today.  Just know that the first thing that I plan on doing tomorrow once I enter the friendly confines is to buy and slam an Old Style.  Because Old Style only tastes decent there.  There will be no Steve Goodman played tomorrow night, bruh. I would love to get a pantsless selfie with Clark The Cub, too.  Fuck the Tigers!

Friday, May 16, 2014


I fucked your mom, Bron. 
If today’s post doesn’t bring back Seal then nothing ever will. As we all know, the Cavaliers fired Mike Brown again earlier this week less than one year after signing him to a 5 year/20 million dollar contract. I remember trying to justify it at the time but I think that deep down I knew that it would fail again. Just a reminder, Brown was the only person interviewed for the job because the Cavs are very well run. So, no-longer-interim GM David Griffin’s first act as real GM was to get rid of the problem. Sure, it looks bad to do this (Hi, Browns!) but it had to be done. Pull the plug. I’m sure that Mike Brown is a good guy and all that, but he isn’t head coach material and you can see it just by looking at him.

Anyway, now the Cavs are searching for the 400th coach in the last 3 years. With Dan Gilbert in charge, you never know what is going to happen next other than it will be absurd…then it will fail…then we will try something even more asinine…until we settle on the uninspiring. I would like to submit as evidence all of those times that we tried to land Phil Jackson as well as the Tom Izzo flirting. Those home run swings lead to the ultimate ground ball to shortstop AKA Byron Scott. But we’re back up to the plate now and looking for all the gold INTENSITY star-stickers. Who is this year’s golden goose?

Apparently, it’s John Calipari!

On Wednesday, Cal did an interview with the Plain Dealer and talked about how much he wants to coach LeBron at some point. First of all, why is he talking to the Cleveland media? That would be like Steve Spurrier going on the record with the Houston Chronicle. It just doesn’t make sense. Second, this sort of heavily implies that the only path to Cal and Bron joining forces would be on Lake Erie which is TOTES not true. Bron could go up to Pat Riley today and demand that Spo be fired and Cal brought in and he would get his way. Third, I understand why the Cavs would be interested (they were in 2010 after all), but why would Cal think about the Cavs? Well, that might not be THAT far-fetched.

He already did what he set out to accomplish at UK. He won a title coaching HIS way. Big Blue Nation isn’t the most patient or grateful band of rubes either. They’re going to be up his ass every year that he doesn’t win a title. I can see how that would get old. Cal probably also has a bad taste in his mouth from his previous NBA coaching stint with the Nets. These guys are all egomaniacs who are constantly seeking to be called the GOAT. Winning a national title and an NBA title is probably very appealing to Calipari. LOL at going to Cleveland to reach that goal though.

I highly doubt that anything more than what has already been said becomes truth or FACT in regards to the Calipari to the Cavs rumor. I just feel like recruiting is such a gigantic aspect of what makes Calipari who he is that taking it all away and just being an x’s and o’s man does not seem like a smart idea. Unless he has something cooking with LeBron behind closed doors, of course. You know, something similar to how Bosh, Wade, and Bron tampered the shit out of their contracts during the Olympics and agreed to play together. Maybe they’ve agreed to make it work in Cleveland and then win all the titles! Yeah, that’s the ticket! John Calipari is coming to The Q and is leaving the door open for LeBron! It makes ALL THE SENSE!  SUPER BOWL!

Oh who the hell am I kidding. He’s going to turn us down just like everybody does. We will hire Mike D’Antoni (worst coach ever). Kyrie will leave and rightfully so. Dan Gilbert will continue to embarrass. World keeps spinnin’. At least we're still better than the Knicks.  Well, at least "less of a dumpster fire".  I’ll just say it now before he turns us down: FUCK YOU, JOHN CALIPARI!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Dog Post? Dog Post.

Trust me! I promise I won't destroy your household!
Who loves dog posts? YOU love dog posts! I'm really close to unleashing an #ELITE ACEterview, but it's just not ready to be unleashed yet. So the next best thing is OBVS dog post...or the Spurs winning another title. But we can save that for another day.

And since you are all ass holes of varying degree, I know you enjoy hearing stories about my dogs ruining my shit or costing me ridiculous amounts of money...because they are ass holes just like you. So I figured I would give you a countdown of the 5 most valuable things that have been destroyed in my house by my wonderful dogs. And by dogs, I mean my one dog Dexter because he has an alter ego that comes out when human beings aren't around. I imagine that he thinks he is Cujo and needs to infect all of my valuables with RabAIDS.

  1. Steve Madden Loafers: I know that I posted this on Facebook because Ide made a comment about me owning Steve Madden Loafers...because he is Ide. I loved these shoes. They were the first pair of brown dress shoes that I truly enjoyed wearing. And they were versatile. Jeans, khakis, or dress pants, it didn't matter, they just worked in every situation. But one fateful night, Dexter grabbed my left shoe out of the closet and munched on it for about 5 hours. They were removed from my rotation immediately, but only because Mrs. Ace wouldn't allow me to keep them.
  1. All of my landscaping: So I bought a house that had a backyard that looked good, but needed some work. So my parents came down and I bought all kinds of mums and hydrangeas and whatever kind of plants that you plant to look good and come up every year. Dexter had other ideas and dug up every single fucking bulb that I planted. I have no more mums on my premises. He dug everything up and ate them because he is an ass hole with an impervious stomach, except corn cobs...which I'm sure who would have worked out himself without me taking him to the Vet.
  1. My couches: I have no idea why I trusted this dog to relax in my house while I wasn't home for 8 hours...but I did. So Dexter decided that the sofa in my living roof would be the place that he would like to sleep. Fair enough, that shit was super comfortable. But while he was laying on it he chewed the edges of every cushion in my fucking house. Okay, lesson learned. So I moved Dexter to the Florida room at my house. However, I had a futon in that room that he also decided to lay on and completely destroy every cushion on it. But that wasn't enough, so he gnawed on the arms and legs of the wooden frame. If he was going to fuck something up he was going to do it right.
  1. One Million Dog Beds: When I leave in the morning my dogs stay in a bare walk-in closet that has tile floors in my basement. I don't like that that is where they stay, but I had no choice. Dexter has separation anxiety...which means once we leave him somewhere he destroys everything he can for the next 20 minutes and then he passes out because he is an Ide hole. Memory foam dog bed? Torn into a million unrecognizable pieces. Kennel Club dog beds with pink foam? I'm pretty sure he ate the insides. He refuses to have nice things when humans aren't around. And he's fucking proud of it. Like when I get home he walks up to me with the remains in his mouth like it's a trophy.
  1. A Photo Album: I can't remember if this was a birthday gift or an Anniversary gift, but it was one of those. The first time we ever let Dexter roam free he decided to completely destroy the most emotionally valuable thing that he could. My wife put together a photo album that had pictures from over the course of time that we had been dating up until that point that we got married, so a solid 10 years of memories. Dexter treated that album with only the delicacy that he could; he ate it. Every photo from that album had at least that left corner eaten away from it. He gave no fucks. Junior prom? Lunch time. Senior homecoming? Dinner. I came home to ruins of mine and Mrs. Ace's journey thrown all about my house as if a serial killer was waiting for me around the corner.It's like he wanted to go back to the pound. Which just made me love him even more. I don't care for pictures which is why I try to ruin every single one whenever somebody puts me in front of a camera. Mrs. Ace didn't share my enthusiasm.

I am typing this as my dogs lie next to me passed out, after commenters Lange and Dut(and another unnamed reader) abused my cigar collection with their retardedness....and I still love them just the same. But HOLY FUCK, Dexter destroyed everything valuable in my house outside of electronics. But it also lets me appreciate how awesome my first dog, Mack, is because he has never done anything to make even my top 25. And at 1:00 PM I will be picking up a Foster Dog and introducing his to this pack. It's all worth it in the long run, but never forget that your dog's don't really give a fuck about you unless it involves treats for them.

So please share your dog destruction stories to make me feel better about that amount of money that Dexter has eaten his way through. I also want to take this opportunity to try and organize and Money Shot open. I feel like I have brought this up for the last 3 years but nothing has ever came of it. I think it is an excellent idea, even if you are a horrible golfer(which all of us are), for all of us to get together outside of the Ribfest. So lets figure this shit out today. If there are some weekends that don't for you this summer then put it in the comments. Bu the Money Shot Invitational needs to happen. OBVS G$ is expecting a child at some point...but fuck that guy.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Dr. Money Shot Ends UCL Reconstruction

Oh, my arm.  It's broken!
You may or may not have noticed that we haven’t had any baseball posts since the season started 6 weeks ago. I can hear Cakes sobbing every day. I haven’t done this on purpose (I know that the other two guys aren’t going to write about it) but I just don’t have much to say thus far (that will change as soon as next week!). Fear not, though, because I do now. Today’s post will combine two of America’s greatest pastimes: baseball and uninformed opinions!

Monday night, Ken Rosenthal (and his stupid bowties) reported that Marlins super-stud pitcher, Jose Fernandez, was done. He is taking his electric stuff and personality to Dr. James Andrews for some Tommy John Surgery. In this humble blogger’s opinion, Tommy John is pretty ELITE. He has a way better ailment than Lou Gehrig no offense. Anyway, this really sucks for people who enjoy watching the game because Fernandez is incredible and was cranking out a Cy Young-like season and then between the 4th and 5th innings in San Diego over the weekend, it was all over. He’ll be out the rest of this year and a good chunk of next year and who knows if he will ever be the same.

Tommy John Surgery seems to be afflicting more and more pitchers every year now. It would be OK if this only happened to the marginal guys but when it claims Fernandez and Matt Harvey and Strasburg and others, well that sucks. Stop taking away all of the best young pitchers, you jerk! Or, you know, introduce yourself to Jut Verlander. Why is this happening more frequently today than in years past? I asked a couple of redneck experts about this on Monday night and these were their takes:

Mitch Williams thinks that it is because pitchers are pussies and don’t throw enough anymore. He seems to be one of those old guys that hates pitch counts and whatnot. John Kruk, who has one testicle mind you, thinks it has to do more with too much weight-lifting and not enough stretching. I think he is saying that it isn’t good when the muscles around the tendons change drastically while the tendons stay the same. And you know what, these two hayseeds might actually be on to something. Ozzie Guillen seems to think that guys are throwing too many sliders and whathaveyou and that, too, is interesting and entirely possible. Even HE could be on to something here!

That would be pretty crazy if all of the rest and limitations placed on these guys were doing more damage than good. I can definitely see the pros and cons of both. Maybe your arm needs to have more structure in its “life” than the peaks and valleys of start-two days off-long toss-day off-start and more of start-throw every day to some degree-start again. It’s interesting because we are in 2014 and modern medicine can’t seem to come to any consensus on how to prevent (or even curtail) serious pitching injuries.

And that is where we come in. I call on all of you medical professionals to diagnose why we are seemingly seeing an increase in major elbow issues among pitchers. This should be good. Get out your stethoscopes and anal thermometers because we’re playing doctor today. We, The Money Shot, can revolutionize the art of pitching.  This could be a billion dollar idea, folks!  Once we figure out how to defeat Tommy John for good, I would then like to solve the mystery of horrible-smelling asparagus piss.  But one medical miracle at a time...

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Time To Die, Bitch.

"Tap my leg if you're running out of air, okay?  Ide?  Ide?!  IDE!!!!!"

Next Tuesday I could have a big announcement to make.  I should know for sure in two or three days.  And no...I'm not Mike Sam's gay lover he mouth kissed in the video all of these "Pro Gay" people seem to have this big problem with.  Honestly.  That has probably been the most hilarious part about Sam getting drafted.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen a version of this post or Tweet: I'm not a homophobe...BUT, did ESPN really need to show Sam and his boyfriend being all fuckin gay together??

It's absolutely hilarious the number of people who put that up and don't realize that it means they are incredibly homophobic.  That's like saying, "I'm not racist...BUT, do black people really have to shop in the same store that I do?"  We joke a lot around here but in all honestly, I'm really happy for Sam and he should have been drafted way sooner than the 7th round.  It's pretty OBVZ the reason he slipped is because he's TOTES gay even if teams are saying otherwise.  Dude was a consensus All American and SEC defensive player of the year.  We're not stupid, guys.  I thought the video of Sam learning he had been drafted was awesome.  All of it.  I had zero problem with him locking lips with his boyfriend and I hope he proves everyone wrong and becomes one of the best players this league has seen.  Transition...

So yesterday morning I literally threw out my back and have been a miserable dick wad ever since.  My wife really loves me right now, let me tell you.  I will say this...there is no greater pain on this earth than back pain.  Lower, middle, does not matter.  It cripples the fuck out of you.  You feel it in your entire body and almost nothing you do can relieve how uncomfortable it is.  As I sat in a sweaty pile of my own misery yesterday I started thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if Anton Chigurh were to silently walk in and kill me where I sat.  Couple that with the fact that I pretty much slothed on the couch all day and watched Discovery ID shows about people getting murdered and you get this.  The top 5 worst ways to die.

5.  Burned alive.
The initial stage of getting burned alive would suck hairy balls.  Being engulfed in flames has to hurt a lot.  But I've read that you only feel pain for a few minutes before all of the nerve endings get annihilated by the heat.  Science and stuff.  So I guess that's a positive.

4.  Beaten to death.
Slightly more shitty then getting burned to death.  I would imagine that after a quite a few good licks your body just goes into shock or you're so closed to being the consistency of mashed potatoes that you stop feeling pain altogether.  But that first 10 minutes or so of just getting fuckin worked over have to be pretty sucky.

3.  Falling off of a building.
Especially if it's a really tall building.  Like the Willis Tower.  The time it takes you to fall has to be the most terrifying (X number of seconds) you could ever experience.  Knowing that in a short amount of time you're going to be human paste on the cement and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it has to be some scary shit.  And let's not forget on the off chance you survive the fall if the building is significantly shorter, you're pretty much totally fucked.  Ugh.  Those injuries are going to be fucking gruesome as shit and will take an entire lifetime to recover from. I would think at that point you would almost be begging for death.

2.  Drowning/Strangling/Hanging/Pretty much anything that has to do with asphyxiation.
I've almost drown before so I can speak first hand to how fucking scary this shit is.  It was either in Myrtle Beach or somewhere in Florida when I was something like 13.  As you can tell I'm a stickler for details.  LOL.  Me and a friend were fucking around in the pool and he kept pushing me under.  One thing led to another and I nearly perished that day.  Once I finally emerged from a push that felt like I was under water for 12 minutes, I punched him right in the mouth for almost killing me.  Right in front of his mom.  Oh...pretty sure I called him a fucking twat or something similar.  Also in front of his mom.  He didn't realize how close I was to dying until the punch...or the twat remark.  Make sure your comment today says something about how you wish I had died that day.  Totally ruined it for you assholes.

1.  Buried alive.
Hands down the worst and second place isn't even close.  I watched a show that showcased this elderly couple who were buried alive after being robbed.  They interviewed a doctor to tell the viewers exactly what happens when someone is buried alive and what the doctor described was absolutely fucking horrifying.  He said that the victim gradually inhales dirt and the lungs slowly collapse on themselves until function stops.  He said it usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes to die and towards the end its like breathing out of a straw after running a marathon.  Fuck that shit.

That's it.  I think the best ways to die would have to be Die in your sleep, shot in the brain and blown into smithereens by a grenade or something like that.  No pain.  The MoneyShot is getting a little morbid today.  And if you want, we can always LOL at guys like Case McCoy and Marshall Henderson for sending gay hate tweets out then attempting to back track off of them.  Stupid AFFLETES are the greatest.

Monday, May 12, 2014

G$'s Review of the Gayest Draft in NFL History

Hey Skins Bro, you hear about Josh Gordon?
We'll get to Michael Sam getting drafted and then shocking conservative Christians everywhere with his interracial homo lip lock later (probably not), but first we need to talk about the other gigantic story from over the weekend: Josh Gordon.  You know, a few months ago, things got heated here when I said that Gordon was not a top 5 wide receiver in the NFL.  I based it solely on him not being trustworthy and accountable.  Names were called.  TAEKS were had.  Hell, that might have been the day that Seal quit actually.  It turns out that Gordon did not want to wait to prove me right and just got it over with.  He will be suspended for all of 2014 very soon because he is an awful teammate that prefers sizzurp and pot over being potentially the best receiver in the game.

You would think that I would be bragging about this but I'm not.  This blows.  This is just plain shitty.  I have no problem with the Browns.  I really don't.  It may not always seem like it but I don't want them to be so completely irrelevant that they don't even get their highlights shown on SportsCenter after week 6.  They fixed all of that on Thursday by drafting the most polarizing and TRANSCENDENT player in the draft: Mr. John Football.  Excitement was at an all-time high!  Season ticket orders were going like hot cakes!  A city's pride and interest was reborn!  And then Gordon fucked it all up in less than 24 hours.  So now Manziel has no one to throw the ball to who is worth a shit.  He will probably struggle as a rookie.  The fans will turn on him even though it isn't his fault.  And the cycle of shit will continue.  The Browns had a chance to turn it all around and start something fun and exciting...and by the time that round 2 started on Friday it was pretty much all over.  Thanks for minimizing the awesomeness of Johnny Football, Josh Gordon. You're a dick.

I don't really believe in giving out grades or naming winners and losers from the draft weekend because everyone has a different big board and differing styles so it's hard to say that someone sucked or excelled.  But I can give my initial thoughts on how all of our teams did!  I am more than qualified for that.  How about a few non-our teams first that stood out to me during 2014's record-setting and monumental NFL Draft?

San Francisco:  Jee.  Sus.  Christ.  These guys are so annoying.  The Niners never have any goddamn holes to fill on the roster so they just load up on ELITE players like Jimmie Ward, Hyde, Borland, Bruce Ellington, and about ten other guys that will only make them better.  They may not have a Super Bowl yet, but this is the best organization in football right now.  And they added Stevie Johnson for nothing.  FUCK!  It shouldn't be this easy!

Tennessee: WTF?  I don't understand the Taylor Lewan pick at all.  They have Michael Roos and Michael Oher at OT and Chance Warmack and Levtire at OG.  Where is Lewan going to play?   This made no sense to me.  Taking Sankey as the #1 RB also seemed like a stretch.  It's no wonder that no one pays attention to the Titans.

Jacksonville: You're goddamn right!  THIS is how you build a team.  You get your franchise QB and I like Bort here.  Twitter seemed to hate the pick but I don't.  Once you get your laser rocket arm, you give him weapons.  Marqise Lee and Allen Robinson are pretty ELITE weapons to give the guy (along with Shorts and Ace Sanders but not Shoelace).  Maybe now the Jags can stop bailing Justin Blackmon out of jail and move on.  I LOVE what the Jags are doing.

St. Louis: FABULOUS! Yeah, they drafted the gay guy and all that but they took that RG3 package and really added some studs.  They have the best front four in the league.  In FACT, the best four defenses in football could be all in the NFC West.  Hell, the Niners probably have the WORST defense between the four!  That division would be SO GOOD if Sam Bradford and Carson Palmer weren't wasting space and time there.

Hook 'Em: LOL! There were more gay guys drafted this year than Texas Longhorns.  No offense.  Now how about our teams in no particular order although we will start with the best team.

Washington: Whatevs.  Before round two started, Trent Dilfer said that the Skins have a lot of sizzle but not a lot of steak.  In normal person speak, we needed to get bigger on the lines and he is right.  We did.  We got a guy from STANFORD FOOTBALL with our first pick so you know that he's great.  Nothing sexy for the Skins but apparently some players that can help.  Morgan Moses HAS to work out as the RT.  Not a big fan of trading with Dallas though.

Philadelphia: Duck You!  Marcus Smith was a surprise pick but apparently a really good player so we'll just laugh at Chip for not only putting on 50 pounds of pure hog fat this offseason but also only scouting his old Oregon players.  I told you that this team was a fluke.  Their coach is already in re-runs.

Buffalo: Risky business!  Sammy Watkins better be a home run pick and Kouandjio's knees better hold up otherwise this is going to be a really sore memory for Bills fans.  I think that Watkins is going to be terrific though.  It's a steep price but if you think that you got the next Megatron or LarryFitz then you make that trade all day.  Now he just has to be the next Megatron or Fitzgerald.

Chicago: We tried!  I did not care for the Bears haul.  Fuller is a good player but the rest of the guys seem average at best.  I'm sorry, Prime, but you know that I'm as honest as I am handsome and bootylicious.  This was not impressive to this NFL expert.  Not a lot of factorbacks IMO.

Detroit: Needs are for pussies!  We talked on Friday about how the Lions have had a doo doo secondary forever and of course they ignored that glaring red flag to draft a TE and then an OLB in the first two rounds.  Now Ebron is getting some Jimmy Graham comps and Van Noy is a really good player, but still, those holes are just getting bigger.  Let's also not forget that Jim Caldwell is the new coach and he is a turd.  They got some good players that will help but they're going to help areas that don't really need help.  And so help me God if Ebron takes time away from my boy Joseph Fauria, I'll choke him out.

Atlanta: Cromulent!  They did what they needed to do: beefed up both lines (and pass rush).  I do want to compliment them on drafting that Shembo kid from ND.  You may know him as the guy who sexually assaulted Lizzie Seeburg at ND, did not get in ANY trouble for it, and then she committed suicide.  Play like a champion today.

Cincinnati: Meh! Dennard was a good pick and the Bengals have a knack for quality players at positions of need falling into their laps and this is no exception.  I didn't care for them taking Jeremy Hill and his ELITE rape skills over Hyde.  Bernard and Hyde would have been incredible.  Now they have Hill and Pacman having weekly contests for who can do the most damage in Covington.  AJ McCarron...LOL!  Way to make Andy Dalton sweat!

Pittsburgh: Wow!  I have the Niners, Jags, and Rams in that order as the three best drafts but the Steelers are easily #4.  Honestly, I like Shazier less than their picks in round 2 through 5 (he will be fine though)!  Tuitt will be a force immediately.  Any decent OC (Todd Haley is not one) will figure out how to unleash Dri Archer.  We all know what Martavis Bryant can do.  This was a wonderful draft by horrible people.  Dammit!  Let's just hope that Haley fucks it up and LeBeau finally gets too senile and has to retire.  And that brings us to...

Cleveland: Fuck if I know how to judge this weekend!  Here's the thing: they drafted A LOT of good players.  Gilbert and Manziel were good picks.  I absolutely love Joel Bitonio.  The West kid and the Desir bro are both really nice players with chips on their shoulders.  But I can't give them a home run grade and you all know why.  They KNEW two weeks before Gordon got suspended that this was coming and did nothing.  They could have taken Sammy.  They traded down (which is fine).  They could have jumped up to 6 and taken Evans.  They stayed.  They took a CB instead of Odell Beckham at 8.  They passed on the three best receivers KNOWING that their best healthy receiver right now is Greg Little.  This is BAD.  Yes, Ray Farmer is bringing in some really nice but raw talent.  But he also set up his franchise QB to FAIL.  That's right.  Manziel has been set up to FAIL.  And I can't approve of that.  So the best grade that I can give the Browns is Jim Carrey's Riddler suit from Batman Forever with all of the question marks on it.  Jacksonville went out of their way to give their QB weapons to grow with.  Cleveland did the exact opposite.  We'll see whose way works better.

As for me, I made it into the sixth round before I had to walk away.  I was at my draft fill.  It was too much.  I will say that the Fri/Sat ESPN team of Wingo, Dilfer, McShay, and Mel was terrific.  That was great analysis by those guys.  Damn, this was a long post.  I guess the only thing left to do is give Uncle T a big smooch on the lips and call it a day.  Until next year when I'll be back in the first round, NFL Draft!!!

Friday, May 09, 2014

Open Forum: First Round Fallout!

Never change, Jets fans.  I mean that.
The comments are open.  You happy with your team?  Pissed?  Indifferent?  Waiting on the Redskins to win the Super Bowl again tonight?  Have a take.  Do not suck.

WAR IDE DRINKS CUM.  See you on Monday for my official draft recap.  Don't forget to do something nice for your ma or wife this weekend.  I sent my mom wine and am making the the wife do yard work.  DEAL WITH IT.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Do You Even Garden, BRO?

This is what I get for googling "NFL Draft Boobs"

Yeah, I'm bringing veggies back. I put that shit up in my lettuce wrap. If you're just hatin' better watch your back. So just accept the fact that you are wack. WHO JUST FUCKING KILLED A JT COVER ABOUT VEGGIE GARDENS? MR. ACE, FUCKERS. But for reals for reals, I just had a serious weekend full of gardening and I wanted to share some suggestions with you, my friends.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! I'm a real piece of shit sometimes, but I'm not that bad. Lets not pretend like there is anything else in sports going on right now that doesn't take the focus away from the NFL draft. Tonight is #Murica's draft, motherfucker, and there is nothing Rep Lil Strut and his Chinese lobbyists can do about it. For the majority of you queermos, this is the Super Bowl. The only time when you can proclaim victory because nobody really knows how well they did or if they just drafted the next Rae Carruth.

So today I decided to dig back through the draft results from the last 3 years and see which teams have done the best. But I am lazy and a strong representative of the Money Shot Maniacs, so I only looked up the results for teams that loyal members/FagNasties care about. My theory is that if we look back on the last three years of 1st round draft picks, the success of those picks will be a direct reflections of the teams Win/Loss record. And I'm way smarter than you, so it will probable be true.

8. Cleveland Browns
Barkevious Mingo: Started 3 games. Not nearly as productive as Browns fans would like you to believe. Also almost died.
Brandon Weeden/Trent Richardson: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Phil Taylor: The perfect DT/Space Eater that defense needs.

We will see what Mingo is able to do this year, but he will need to step up to make the #6 worth it last year. OBVS 2012 was completely fucking terrible. Phil Taylor has been everything they have asked. The Browns are horrible at everything other than losing.

7. Chicago Bears
Kyle Long: Probably the best rookie O lineman last year.
Shea McClellin: He's a white guy, named Shea, from Boise St. How the fuck did you expect that 1st round pick to turn out?
Gabe Carimi: GONE.

This doesn't bode well for the Bears this year.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers
Jarvis Jones: Meh. He was a giant question mark coming out last year and I still don't think he will pan out.
David DeCastro: Started 15 games last year, seems like he will prove himself this year.
Cameron Heyward: Finally came on with some production last year...still don't know if he will be around much longer.

The Steelers have been falling off for a reason.

5. Washington Redskins
(Traded 2013 draft pick for RG3)
Ryan Kerrigan: Great draft pick who has started every game. He's been overshadowed by Orakpo, but he is every bit as good...and healthy.

I'm still not sold on RG3. He's gay, is a bad leader, and is a black QB. That doesn't seem like a recipe for a winner. Kerrigan has been really good, but RG3 is a coach killer and a butt hole driller.

4. Philadelphia Eagles
Lane Johnson:  EAGLES SPENT THE #4 ON A RIGHT TACKLE OMFG!!! He started all 16 games and is well on his way to being with the Eagles forever.
Fletcher Cox: Started 25 games in two years. Sack production dropped off last year, but he was able to eat space and be a strong player in the run defense.
Danny Watkins: This was the pick that got Andy Reid fired. Pretty sure he is already out of the league.

Cox and Johnson will be Eagles for a long time...two out of three ain't bad.

3. Buffalo Bills
EJ Manuel: I don't know, man. I don't trust him. I don't trust his coach. The Bills aren't meant to have a good QB.
Stephon Gilmore: Production fell off and a couple injuries held him out of a few games.
Marcel Dareus: Put together a Pro Bowl season last year.

Again, I'm not sold on Manuel, but with these picks it seems like the Bills are on the right track.

2. Atlanta Falcons
Desmond Trufant: Started every game last year as a rookie. Can't ask for much more than that.
(Traded 2012 pick)
Julio Jones: Seems like a stud in the making.

As long as Julio stays healthy this team is headed in the right direction.

1. Detroit Lions
Ezekiel Ansah: Started 12 games last year
Riley Reiff: Started 24 games last 2 years
Nick Fairley: Started 22 games last 3 years

Ansah was really productive for a guy who I thought would take another year or 2 to get adjusted to the NFL. Reiff has been exactly what the Lions wanted him to be. And Fairley had his best year last year...but I'm not convinced he will keep that up this year.

These rankings are so spot on that I don't expect any comments, outside of congratulations on my dominance, in the comments section today #KiltIt. Some great investigative journalism done by myself right here. On Friday the Eagles will be firmly planted at #1.You're Welcome. But please feel free to argue your teams place on this list. Except for you, Browns fans. Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

G$'s Official Mock Draft on NFL Draft Eve

By now, all of you turds know that no one loves the NFL Draft more than I do. It is a sickness. I am aware of how pathetic this makes me but I’m not going to change no matter how many insults are hurled my way. My goal is to watch in the neighborhood of 90% of the full Draft this weekend. I will definitely be tuned in for every second of the first two nights. However, I have to admit that the NFL pushing the Draft back into May this year is annoying. It’s just too much mocking and speculation and anonymous sources for me. Let’s just put the goddamn Texans on the clock already and end the pointless, manufactured melodrama.

A lot of kewl internet people like to complain about mock drafts and how they are dumb and stupid and serve no purpose. Well, you know what, NOT MINE. Mine is the best! I’ve actually been better than you think at this ever since I started doing these. In FACT, I correctly picked all 32 first round selections last year. And here is my 2014 Mock Draft for all my BRAHs out there…

1. Houston – Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina – Really, this is a no-brainer. Why wouldn’t you put the "best pass rusher in the Draft since LT" on the other side from JJ Watt?
2. St. Louis – Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson – The Rams have Jake Long and Rodger Saffold to play tackle. Sure, they’re going to need an upgrade there eventually, but they’ve needed an ELITE wide receiver since Torry Holt left. If you are going to dump Chief Sam Bradford after this year, you better make sure that he can’t play first (note: he can't play).
3. Jacksonville – Khalil Mack, OLB, The State University of New York AT Buffalo – Just a reminder, this kid is a fucking stud.
4. Cleveland – Michael Sam, DE/Distraction, Missouri Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M – Honestly, there is no other pick to make even if Watkins is available. You already have Gordon and Cameron and just signed Burleson and Hawkins so why would you take a wide receiver with the 4th pick? None of the OTs make sense because you have Joe Thomas at LT and you don’t waste a high pick on a right tackle. Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT LIKE THIS PICK. But this is the pick (if that makes sense). I do not think that Manziel will be a success in the NFL but this is the kind of guy from the kind of crook family that Jimmy “The Worst Owner” Haslam covets. I’ll put it this way, the NFL put Skins/Browns preseason on Monday night this year because they know that this will be the first Football/Griff matchup (and probably the last).  Fight me in the comments, but you need to accept that Johnny is coming to the Lake.
5. Oakland – Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

6. Atlanta – Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M – No team had worse OTs than Atlanta…not any more
7. Tampa Bay – Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M
8. Minnesota – Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh – I don’t see the Vikings picking a QB here simply because Rick “Grimes” Spielman is a pussy.
9. Buffalo – Taylor Lewan, OT, WE ON – Do they cover up rapes better in upstate New York?  Asking for a friend.
10. Detroit – Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State – The Lions have had a terrible secondary for as long as I can remember. Honestly, the last Lions DB to make an All Pro team may have been Night Train Lane.  Here is some homework for Drew: Who the hell was the last DB for the Lions that was good for at least a five year stretch?

11. Tennessee – Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State
12. New York Giants – Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina – There are two E’s in Eric Ebron much like there are two E’s in ELITE Manning.  Perfect fit!
13. St. Louis – Zack Martin, OL, Notre Dame
14. Chicago – Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State – The Bears had the worst run defense in the league last year and did nothing to help with that during free agency. They probably want Donald but I want Marc Trestman to stop fucking little boys. We can’t always get what we want.
15. Pittsburgh – Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech – Ike Taylor proved last year that he is losing it fast. It’s time for the Steelers to re-tool that secondary on the fly. Mike Mitchell was a decent start but now it’s time to get the CB.

16. Dallas – Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville
17. Baltimore – Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, ROLL TIDE
18. New York Jets – Odell Beckham, Jr, WR, LSU
19. Miami – Morgan Moses, OT, Virginia – He has to be an upgrade over Jonathan Martin.
20. Arizona – Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida – I think that Bruce Arians would be jacked if this happened. There’s good value for Bortles at 20 and then you can have a legitimate open QB competition during camp. Whatever it takes to be Carson Palmer free.  Also, LINDSEY FUCKING DUKE.

21. Green Bay – CJ Mosley, LB, ROLL TIDE
22. Philadelphia – Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State – You could flip flop Cooks and Lee here. I see both the Chiefs and Eagles getting receiver upgrades in the first round.
23. Kansas City – Marqise Lee, WR, USC
24. Cincinnati – Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA – The rumors of the Bengals wanting to take Bridgewater here are hilarious to me. Barr is a flat out stud and I have no idea why he is slipping.
25. San Diego – Jason Verrett, CB, TCU
26. Cleveland – Michael Sam, DE/Distraction, Missouri Xaiver S’ua-Filo, OG, UCLA – Definitely not a sexy pick but understand who your OC is now. You WILL run the ball and you will run it a lot no matter who is getting the carries once Ben Tate gets hurt. A nice road-grading guard is a solid pick. Again, wide receiver is deep this year and not a position of necessity. You just invested in a midget QB who likes to extend plays with his feet so you better have incredible linemen in front of him.

27. New Orleans – Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio Buckeyes – Even though he likes to get DWIs before the draft, I can’t imagine that that bothers Rob Ryan all that much. With Malcolm Jenkins gone, it makes sense to replace a Fuckeye with a Fuckeye.
28. Carolina – Allen Robinson, WR, Penn State
29. New England – Ryan Shazier, OLB, Ohio Buckeyes – BILL BELICHICK FOUND HIS BLACK MIKE VRABEL!!!
30. San Francisco – Dee Ford, DE, Auburn – Since you can’t count on Aldon Smith at all unless you want to blow up an airport, they should probably have a contingency plan in place.
31. Denver – Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, ROLL TIDE - He will be the Skins pick at 34 if he makes it that far.  Lock that shit up.
32. Seattle – Stanley Jean-Baptiste, CB, Nebraska – Mayock says that he will go in the first round and Mayock is smart so I’ll send the 6’2” DB to the place that (Leroy) hoards 6’2” DBs.

As usual, stupid trades will throw a wrench in my mock but that’s OK. That is what makes tomorrow great. We should never forget that the Dolphins traded up to #3 last year to take Dion Jordan who did almost nothing as a rookie. Good times! Enjoy The Draft tomorrow!  It sucks that I have to wait until Friday to due my annual tradition of screaming "SUPER BOWL!" when the Skins first pick is announced.  It is a tradition unlike any other.