Monday, March 31, 2014

More Monday Morning March Madness Hot Takes!

Ewwwwww he so OFF!
Thursday's sweet sixteen games were a total bust and that sucked by Friday more than made up for it. Now that the Final Four is set, I feel like quoting Seth Davis "This Tournament" and he is right.  This tourney has been sick.  These games, horrible calls aside, have been terrific.  As much as we want Seal to fail, you can't deny that this year's UK Wildcats are a FANTASTIC watch.  Their last three games have been the best three games of this dance.  They almost have to be the favorite to win it all at this point, no?  Hold up, I'm getting ahead of myself, let's break down the last three days of great hoop.

Thoughts on Friday!
*Those WOLVERINES jerseys just aren't working for me.  Michigan is supposed to have MICHIGAN on their unis.  This concoction (ironically) looks like the sort of unlicensed apparel that you could only find at Marts Wal or K.  They look cheap.
*Let's call a spade a spade here: that game ended on a flop and a flopper was rewarded.  Michigan blew a huge lead and not only did they deserve to lose--they EARNED that loss.  Yet a horrible call from a terrible official iced the game, bruh.  I'm not all that mad about the result because I don't particularly want to watch a UT/UK game anyway but the truth is that Cuonzo and the Vols got hosed.  That is not a charge, Doug Gottleib, and I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to be the new Skip Bayless by disagreeing with all common sense.
*The two late games on Friday were absolutely sensational and it's a damn shame that they were synched up to end at the same time because both deserved to be watched in their entirety.  Tony Bennett can flat out coach and he is easily one of the 5 or 10 best coaches in the country.  His teams ALWAYS play ELITE defense.  No shame in that loss.  Hell of a job all season by the Cavaliers.  Bennett is a real #waltbehrman.
*#waltbehrman made Friday night even better.  Good goddamn work by all that participated.
*Dear analysts, Keith Appling has been FUCKING TERRIBLE FOR FOUR YEARS.  He IS the weak link on Sparty.  Stop acting like his poor play is a surprise.
*UK/Louisville was as great as expected.  I don't think that it was better than UK/Wichita State, but it was damn close.  That was a really fun game although it would have been far better if (surprise, surprise) the goddamn refs swallowed their whistles.  Kentucky is absolutely terrifying right now.  We all laughed at that idiot getting the ridiculous national champion 2014 ink but maybe he was on to something.  WHAT ELSE DOES HE KNOW!
*I hate that John Calipari keeps getting the better of Rick Pitino.  It just doesn't seem right.

Watch out, Coach, you've got a homo hanging on you!
Thoughts on Saturday!
*All good things must come to an end and that also includes the visuals from The Ghetto after Dayton tourney wins.  That is how you do it.  You just get drunk and have fun.  You don't try to LIGHT HOUSES ON FIRE, Kentucky fan.  Why are you trying to destroy your city?  That makes no sense to me.
*Florida has won 30 in a row now.  Why am I still not that impressed?  I should be, I know that.  I guess that when your best player is someone terrible like Scotty goddamn Wilbekin, no one should take you seriously.  I have no evidence at all to back this up but Scotty Dubs is awful.
*Wisconsin/Arizona was absolutely terrific.  An OT game in the low 60s doesn't sound great but it TOTES was.  If you don't love Bo Ryan then I don't know what is wrong with you.  Everything about him and his demeanor is hilarious.
*Bad night for The Millers, no?  Sean is going to catch a ton of shit for not making the Final Four again but I think that that is off base.  He's a great coach.  He'll get there soon enough.
*Wow.  If you correctly hated Aaron Craft then I hope you got a good look at Arizona PG TJ McConnell.  He was equally cocksucker-y with his faux hustle and terrible jump shot.  I wanted him to get a concussion on one of his 2000 unnecessary floor dives.
*Not to get too insider-y but Wisconsin defended the pick and roll like absolute garbage.  Look, Nick Johnson is their best player.  They are going to screen for him.  You either have to switch or hedge.  You can't do neither and then leave him open for a free jump shot.  The Badgers did this ALL GAME.  Frustrating to watch for a fine basketball mind such as myself.  #waltbehrman
*Frank Kaminsky, SON!!!  A guy that looks like that shouldn't be able to BALL THAT HARD.  Speaking of ballers, I want to talk about Aaron Gordon.  He needs another year.  Hell, there is no reason to turn pro if YOU CAN'T SHOOT.  Great game.

Thoughts on Sunday!
*I admittedly wasn't paying attention to much of the UConn/Sparty game as I was too busy building a championship fantasy baseball squadron around mah boy, Miguel Cabrera, but it sounds like Shabazz was being Shabazz and Sparty just sucked.
*Never doubt the truth that the team that everyone loves will always disappoint.
*I saw Johnny BRAH there wearing a Sparty hat.  Crean Pie was not happy on Twitter.  That makes me LOL.
*Honestly, that is about all I have on this game because UConn is about the most meh program ever to me.  Going to the Final Four isn't bad for a women's hoops school!
*UK/UM...Seal pulls a FAST one on the world.  What more can you say?  That game was ELITE!
*You're seeing all of these studs mature before our eyes and now we see why this was the preseason #1 team in the country.  Even when a garbage player like Willie Dyke Lawyer out, it doesn't matter at all.  The Harrison twins, Young, Randle, Poythress, Johnson...EVEN THAT LEE KID THAT NEVER PLAYED!  This team WILL win the national title.  FACT.
*Nik Stauskas had a game where he thought he was better than he actually is.  You can't force it, kid.  Go back to Canada AKA Johansenland.  FYI, you aren't ready for the NBA.  Go back.
*Why is Mitch McGary wearing his uniform?  WHAT A FAG!
*It's never a bad thing for WE ON fans to get silenced but they have nothing to hang their heads about.  They lost a great game to the most talented team in the country on a miracle three.  It happens.  You can't tell me that every Michigan fan wouldn't have taken this season with McGary playing almost zero minutes.  This was a GREAT season for the maize and blow.

If you ask me, I think that we're getting a Les Miles Toilet Water Special a week from today: Florida vs. Kentucky Part Four.  SEC!  SEC!  SEC!  You already know that I'm picking the Cats to win it all.  You don't win those last three games in that fashion and then just poop your pants later.  Go Seal Team Six!  What a great fucking tournament.

Friday, March 28, 2014

G$ Predicts The MLB Season

I’m not sure if any of you have heard about this, but 2014 is going to be Derek Jeter’s last season as a professional baseball player. Some website or something just voted him the 11th best LEADER in the world so you KNOW that this is going to be a special season for EL CAPITAN! Being the classy and intelligent Yankees fan that YOUR LEADER is, I determined it mandatory for me to watch #2 play one more time in person. So I started looking through the schedule to see what would work. With a knocked up wife and Ide being there, a trip to NYC was out of the question. They play in Cleveland during the week around the delivery date. They play in Detroit during the damn week a few days after I’m going to be a dad. They play the Reds in The Bronx. SHIT.

But I made it work. On Tuesday May 20th, G$ will be saying goodbye to Derek Jeter LIVE from Wrigley Field for the opening game of a quick two gamer between the Pinstripes and the Cubbies. It will be a quick turn and burn trip but it is something that I have to do. Knowing my luck, it will probably get rained out. By the way, it costs EIGHTY BUCKS to sit in the bleachers at that dump to watch a minor league team. That is INSANE. I hope that Ditka sings the 7th inning stretch that night. In conclusion, fuck Prime, fuck Larry, fuck K-Dog, and fuck Buke. Ain’t no way I’m walking out of that piece of shit place while Go Cubs Go is blaring. On that note, how about I unload my yearly MLB Prediction Post since the season starts next week? Let's do this.

NL East: Washington, Atlanta, NY Mets, Philadelphia, Miami
Thoughts: Am I the only one that finds every team in this division to be really boring?  The Nats took a step backwards last year (as I predicted) but that only means that they should be ready to rock now.  Kris Medlen going down isn't all that bad.  Erv Santana should be a fine replacement, but I'm concerned about The Soul Patrol.  Let's be honest, they pretty much suck.  The Mets, Phillies, and Marlins are all terrible but I'm sure that ESPN will broadcast at least 8 NYM/PHI games this season for no reason at all. 

NL Central: St. Louis, Cincinnati*, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Chicago
Thoughts: You'd be a damn fool to not pick the Cardinals to make the playoffs.  Granted, they got a lot worse this winter by paying Jhonny Peralta's chunky butt 50+ million, but they are still the most complete team.  The Reds are off to a rip-roaring start with Aroldis Chapman having his skull split in half.  That isn't a good omen.  Plus, Brandon Phillips attitude could be an issue.  He does not seem to be very happy.  Call me crazy, but I think that Ryan Braun comes back with a very nice season.  I expect the Buccos to take the same step back that Washington took last year.  The Cubs are God awful and play in a horrible stadium.

NL West: San Francisco, San Diego*, Los Angeles, Arizona, Colorado
Thoughts: History tells us that the Giants win the Series, miss the playoffs, win the series again, and then miss the playoffs.  So we're back to them winning a title this year then, right?  The Padres are my sleeper team this season.  Go ahead and ask me why...I have no idea why so I'll just say "Andrew Cashner might be good!"  I am very intrigued by the Dodgers.  The media is already setting things up for Yasiel Puig to destroy this team and I agree that it is going to happen.  It will be GLORIOUS because it really does seem like Puig is a bigger shithead than Manny Ramirez at his worst.  I don't know shit about the other two teams so I'll just assume that they blow (top notch analysis).

AL East: New York, Boston*, Baltimore, Tampa Bay, Toronto
Thoughts: I haven't been this excited for a Yankees season in a long time.  I am really pumped to see Tanaka and Pineda finally out there and we now have one of the best rotations in the game.  Boston got a lot of big years out of average players last year so a return to the mean by guys like Victorino and Napoli should be expected.  One of these days, Big PEDapi is going to die.  The Orioles have always had everything but reliable starting pitching and they got a bargain on Ubaldo late in free agency because the Indians are so dumb.  Tampa Bay is always OVERRATED.  Yes, they are.  Toronto sucks more than the Maple Leafs.

AL Central: Detroit, Kansas City, Cleveland, Minnesota, Chicago
Thoughts: I didn't much care for Dave Dombrowski's asshole public shaming of Max Scherzer.  Dude, fuck you.  It's called a negotiation and you don't make this crap public.  I'm not really sure why the Tigers didn't just give Stephen Drew a blank check for one year.  For that matter, is Drew ever going to sign with anyone?  More like Stephen Drool IMO.  Let's talk about the Tribe now and why I see them as an 80-82 win team.  There are consequences to the organization shitting all over your Opening Day starter.  That stuff lowers morale even if no one admits it.  I'm glad that you rubes are excited but I don't really see why.  There are so few reliable arms on that roster.  They be talented but we don't know if they're consistent.  I don't know.  I just don't see another "playoff appearance" happening.  I wouldn't be surprised if you're out of it by Labor Day.  I absolutely love Phil Hughes in Minny.  You heard it here first, bros.

AL West: Oakland, Texas*, Anaheim, Seattle, Houston
Thoughts: I'm tired of picking the A's to suck only to watch them rearrange colons.  Never again.  I actually kind of like what Texas did over the winter with Choo and Prince and getting rid of Kinsler.  I'm concerned about the injuries to Darvish, Holland, and Profar though.  Those guys aren't replaceable.  I don't know if anything would be worse than being an Angels fan and know that you have to root for Hamilton and Pujols to steal money for the next however many years.  Listen to this: stay away from Cano in your fantasy drafts.  Someone is going to take him late in the first round.  Don't let that person by you.  He is going to struggle.  We don't talk about the Astros much here, but Henry County's own Marc Krauss absolutely crushed the ball all Spring.  I played against his older brothers and cousin in high school (humblbrag BRAH!).  Might be a decent sleeper OF.

Put me down for a very non-homer pick of the Yankees beating the Nationals to send The Captain out as the GOAT. I’ll go with Bryce Harper and Miguel Cabrera for the MVPs. Cy Young winners are Kershaw and TATANKA, BRAH! And I’m going to do a Tommy John surgery prediction for this year: Jut Verlander! Fuck that guy!

Our fantasy baseball draft is on Sunday and while Michael Trout should be a slam dunk first pick, I'm thinking that Andrew McCutchen could have a really good case for #2.  Sure, Miggy Cabrera is pretty sweet--you know what, nope--Cabrera is still #2.  Andy Mac's steals don't make up for the run-producing ELITEness of this fat drunk.  I GUARANSHEED that I don't end up with that loser Verlander again.  It's time to de-throne Jeff.

We’re all hoops and zombies on Monday so enjoy Opening Day whenever that falls for you. If you root for a bad team, you probably love this day. If you are a winner like me, it doesn’t matter as much. I’ve got my first games of the season tomorrow (damn rain better hold off) so it’s time to start playing. I was told that the Nap baseball team hasn’t even practiced outside yet. Jesus. PLAY BALL! GO YANKEES!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

You Know How I Know Your Dog's A Pussy?

Yeah. I would sit down too.
If your dog is a giant fucking pussy dog then stop reading now and go read a Perez Hilton article or something gayer than that(NOT POSSIBLE). If you own a beagle, vagina, chihuahua, shih tzu, border collie, and/or not a pair of balls then this post will probably make you angry.  And that's a good thing because you're probably a fucking pussy who mouth kisses your rat dog while adding a y to the end of their name. It's time to man up.

Now just let me put a little disclaimer out there as far as the dogs that I have owned recently. Shortly before I graduated from college my parents got a Greyhound that I pretty much adopted as my own. He was 95 lbs of pure steel and the biggest greyhound I have ever seen. He was also deaf, suffered from seizures, and died from cancer at a fairly young age. I loved that dog. While I was still living in NW Ohio we got an all white German Shepherd. His name is Samson and he is the smartest dog I have ever personally came across. Like he will look you in your eyes and you just know that he on another level compared to all dogs you have encountered before. And I am currently the proud owner of two dogs that I have rescued, one a German Shepherd(Mack) and the other a Lab/Pitbull mix(Dexter: named after Eddie Murphy comedy skit, not terrible television show). As you can see, I am a fan of manly dogs. Because I am a man. And when I consider my dog breeds I rate them as a man would, not as a pussy.

Honorable Mention:
Burnese Mountain Dog
Great Dane

6. Rhodesian Ridgeback. Ever since I lived in German Village I have been in love with these dogs. They have the perfect temperament for a dog, balancing between "I KNOW I CAN FUCK YOU UP" and "I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THE HUMAN WHO FEEDS ME".  If I could get over my innate lover for the next several breeds then I would totally get a Rhody...which I'm pretty sure is another name for road head. And you can't go wrong with that.

5. Greyhound. If you own a Greyhound then you own a dog that is the fastest species of dog on this earth. THE FASTEST FUCKING DOG ON EARTH AND YOU CAN OWN IT. Seriously, you can show up to any dog park and throw your tennis ball and be 100% sure that your dog will dominate every other dog in the park. That's a great fucking feeling. Unfortunately, these dogs don't have a long life after they are done racing. Even more reason to give them a good life when they are ready to be adopted.

4.  Pitbull. I am going to educate all of you right now; there is not such thing as a Pitbull breed. When people refer to a "Pitbull" they are usually referring to American Pit Bull Terriers and American Staffordshire Terriers, and often people are dumb enough to include the Bull Terrier, Staffordshire Bull Terier, and the American Bulldog. If you're afraid of "Pitbulls" then you are as old, dumb, and disgruntled as Grumpy. Don't be that guy. These dogs are awesome. Yet they are the dog that is most likely to be put to death in a shelter. Also, they can make you money by killing other dogs.

3. Dogo Argentino. This was my favorite dog breed for the longest time and if I could guarantee that my next breed was a pure breed Dogo then I totes would. But that is really tough to do. But the story on these dogs is that they are tough enough to hunt down wild boor, yet gentle enough to raise your children. This also happens to be the dog in the top photograph. It's a monster that can defend you from anything, while letting your kids pull on its' face in their ass hole ways. This is the dog widely regarded as the greatest dog breed in the world and I can't totally disagree.

2. German Shepherd: Widely recognized as one of the smartest dogs in the world, this breed is my absolute fave. I am totally bias in this opinion, but I don't care. My dog Mack is the best dog I have ever come across despite the fact that people treated him like shit for the entire first year of his existence. He has also figured out how to open the bathroom door and the sliding patio door, he's MY GUY. It doesn't hurt that we adopted a Pitbull that destroys everything and makes Mack look like a 10 year old kid with manners. But he's the best and nothing can change that.

1. Mutt. GO TO THE FUCKING SHELTER AND GET A DOG!!! Here are available dogs at the Franklin County Shelter. Seriously, breeders are the devil and the pet stores that sell dogs from puppy mills are demons. Human beings are fucking terrible species, there is no reason that dogs should be getting put to sleep everyday because you are too much of an ass hole to save their life. Don't be a fuck. Or even if you are a fuck, just save a dog.

If your dog weighs less than 50 pounds then it is just a large cat. And if it's not a breed mentioned here then it might as well just be a pet gerbil. SUPPORT REAL DOGS BEFORE THEY BECOME EXTINCT. And Labs and Retrievers are the same thing, and by same thing I mean the lamest dogs in the world. If you have a Lab you probably drive a minivan and hate your life.

And lets never forget that Ide buttfucks Border Collies no matter their sex or color. Never forget that.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

An Unfriendly Game of Mike Golic's Punchout

Formal Jammed!
Last week, some website or major Twitter player or whatever posed the question to the world: if you could get away with one crime, what would it be? Now this is OBVZ an awful question to ask people on the internet because I guarantee that they got 100 times more “assassinate the president” than something innocent such as “steal all the Hershey chocolate”. I’m pretty sure that my own personal response would be “do awful and likely illegal things to Jennifer Lawrence”. But we’ll play along with that line of thinking here today.

The theme for today’s post is “If you could sucker punch one sports media member with absolutely zero consequences outside of sore knuckles, who’s it going to be and why?” I was thinking about this all weekend actually once I realized how much I wanted to suffocate Reggie Miller (Cheryl Miller’s brother). Here is my ELITE top ten list:

10. Jonathon “T-Bone” Smith – They don’t make takes any colder than this guys. When you make The Torg look like—I don’t know—Vin Scully, you are really bad at your job. If you don’t live in central Ohio, you have no idea how lucky you are.
9. Phil Simms – Barely speaks English and gets worse every year…has stupid hair to boot
8. Bill Simmons – Mr. Know-It-All could afford to be knocked down a peg or 12. His columns have been absolutely horrible over the past 5 years.
7. Cris Carter – Spit out some teeth, bruh, and stop laughing at your “jokes”.
6. Jim Gray – Man, how funny would it be to punch this guy? He’s as small as a toddler! I GUARANSHEED that he would cry.

5. Doug Gottleib – Remember Aaron Craft’s hilarious three point attempt that clinched the loss to Michigan? Gottleib blamed it on the tackiness of the ball. I just really hate his voice and he probably has stolen all of our credit card numbers at some point.
4. Skip Bayless – He would probably be higher if I actually watched First Take (you might know it as the show that ripped off Worst Cake). I don’t know though because I have integrity and I wouldn’t want to make Timmy Tenor mad at me.
3. Colin Cowherd – Punching Colin would be as TRANSCENDENT as it gets.
2. Bill Plaschke – Every time that he is on Around The Horn, I can’t help but ask myself “does anyone like this guy”? He makes ridiculous Bayless-esque opinions and shits on everything else with an LA bias even though he is born and raised in Kentucky. Nothing about him makes any sense and his lisp says “bring all the dicks to me!” I hate Bill Plaschke but not as much as…
What a faggot.

1. Sal Paolantonio – I’ve eluded to this many times before here but I want to watch Sal Pal die. Everything about this smug asshole is the worst. He is a reporter but constantly talks like an analyst (which would be like Tim May breaking down x’s and o’s after attending a press conference). That sort of thing really bothers me. He’s always referencing the headlines from the local newspapers because of course he still caresses the balls of a dead media outlet. And this year he started wearing sunglasses during live shots of him covering games. Have you ever seen a reporter wearing sunglasses on camera? No, you have not because there is only one douche bag that stands out among all of the douche bags and that is Mr. Philadelphia himself. I hope he gets a more aggressive strain of Andrew Beckett AIDS and then I could bash him in the jaw with a brick.

You’re probably wondering where guys like Dick Vitale or Mark May are. Not even close. Dickie V’s schtick is played out but I’m not going to rag on the guy for loving what he does. I don’t even think that he is that big of a Duke homer. The guy loves EVERY team! He hardly ever says anything bad about anyone! And Mark May was a goddamn Redskin and won Super Bowls so he is a saint. So there you go: you are allowed to punch one member of the sports media in the face today. Choose wisely.

And I am considering myself an option for this but you would be wise not to pick me. Unless you like going to the ER, I suppose. Wait a minute, it appears that I may have forgotten to include Tom Hamilton AKA the worst radio announcer of all time. I brought great shame to myself today for that omission.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

8-Bit Tuesday

Pretty sure this game was a Japanese release only

Well, shit.  I literally have nothing to write about today.  Since we've corpse raped the NCAA tournament over the last few days and NFL free agency has died down (besides Sanchize and his butt fumble heading to the Iggles. LOLOLOL!!), I'm just pissing in the wind here.  Hell, let's do a video game post.  Here are the top 5 best video game systems of all time.  List format, of course.

5.  Playstation 2 - I was never a Sony guy and I'll be honest as to why.  Playing games that require the use of both joysticks simultaneously was a mind fuck that I was never able to completely conquer.  I just couldn't do it and still can't.  YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?!  The reason this system breaks the top 5 is because it gave us ground breaking games like Grand Theft Auto III.  GTAIII offered timeless lessons like: Crime is fun and if you're ever seriously injured all you have to do is cream pie a hooker's snizz to recover.

Notable Titles: GTAIII, NHL Hitz, Guitar Hero 2, God of War, Max Payne

4.  Nintendo Entertainment System - The closest thing in my life that I could compare to a full blown crack addiction.  This system changed my life forever.  I remember playing this system with friends on weekends until the God damn sun would come up.  No shit, the NES is about 90% responsible for the superb grade cards I would bring home.  Because I knew that if my grades slipped the NES being taken away was the punishment.  And my parents were fucking ruthless with it, too.  Once, we had a 2 week NES ban at the Randall Stevens household.  My parents would leave the system and the games out and take the paddles with them to work.  Fucking monsters.

Notable Titles: Contra, Metroid, The Legend of Zelda, Mario Series, Metal Gear

3.  Xbox 360 - This system clocks in at the 3 slot because it made getting your ass kicked online by a nine year old a reality.  Even though it sounds like the Sega Dreamcast was the first system with online playing capability, Microsoft made it popular.  Ever want an ego check?  Play any game you think you're sweet at online.  It's a pretty swift lesson in humility.  I had a roommate once who was a big time gamer.  Had a pair of those ridiculous fucking head sets and all.  There were nights I would sit there and get shit faced while watching him get straight owned by a kid still at least six years away from seeing his first naked tit.  You haven't lived until you hear a grown man call a 4th grader a cunt faced dick lover.

Notable Titles: Halo, Gears of War, Assassin's Creed, Any NCAA football title, Any Madden title

2.  Sega Genesis - Genesis is number 2 because at the time, 16 bit graphics compared to 8 bit graphics was the same as the difference between soft core Cinemax porn and full blow penetration porn.  I remember begging my parents for a Genesis and making a shit load of empty promises if they bought me one.  Crap like...I would do the dishes every day until my 18th birthday or rake leaves until my palms bled.  None of that happened, OBVZ.  I'm pretty sure I cried real tears when I opened my new Genesis that next Christmas morning.

Notable Titles: Sonic, Bill Walsh College Football, ToeJam and Earl, Mortal Kombat, NBA Jam

1.  Nintendo 64 - I don't think a system will ever outperform what the Nintendo 64 was/is.  The original Playstation came out 2 years before the N64 but Nintendo had the superior product, in all honesty.  The games were just better.  Nintendo used different technology available to make games with smoother game play and better graphics than any other gaming system available at the time.  The games hold up today and I still pick up the sticks at least once a week.

Notable Titles: Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Conker's Bad Fur Day, NFL Blitz, Ocarina of Time

As you can see, this list is ELITE and complete.  Some honorable mentions that didn't quite make the cut were TurboGrafx-16, GameBoy, Super Nintendo, Sega DreamCast.  Good systems, just not good enough for my top 5.  I know all of you fuckin nerds have been gamers at some point so sound off on your favorite systems/most memorable gaming moments.  Don't forget to LOL at Ace for the inevitable Sanchize signing!  I just hope none of you still play online.  That's a little weird for your age.

Monday, March 24, 2014

MMMMHT: Monday Morning March Madness Hot Takes

Well, this tournament is living up to its unpredictable billing, isn't it?  There have been plenty of little subplots just dying for me to have a take on them.  I will oblige.  No more fuck around time.  Let's do this:

*Dayton's President knows the score - Dr. Death or whatever his name is was photographed crowd-surfing through The Ghetto after Dayton beat Syracuse on Saturday.  THIS IS WHAT MARCH MADNESS IS ALL ABOUT, PEEPS!  That is ELITE.  I am not a fan of the Flyers but I'm glad that they aren't taking their tournament run for granted.  This is a big deal.  You should celebrate it.

*Jim Boeheim is the absolute fucking worst - I've long since held the opinion that Boeheim was a douche bag and should not be respected by anyone and he proved that point after their failure on Saturday when he refused to give the Flyers any credit at all and blamed his players for the loss.  What a whiny little cunt he is.  Any decent human being acknowledges the victor and pays respect.  Not Jim.  Fuck him hard.

*On the other hand, Coach K is all class - Yeah, I mean it.  It would have been easy for him to have a pissy press conference and then go away.  But he was a man about it, walked into the Mercer locker room, and congratulated them for their big win.  He didn't have to do this.  He did it because it was the right thing to do and he has integrity.  You know, we all rag on Duke and Coach K for being elitist shitstains, but that move right there shows why ALL OF US should respect that program.  We will never support them, mind you, but they are good people.

*That being said, that loss is on Coach K - I think it was Clark Kellogg who babbled something about how "live by the three, die by the three" is a farce.  No, it isn't.  If you rely on 23 foot jumpers to win, then you aren't going to win more than 1-2 games.  It isn't something that can be sustained over long stretches.  I have no idea why Duke didn't attack the rim on every possession on Friday but it is why they aren't playing anymore.  You can't just chuck threes and expect to win a title.

*Dumbest play of the tournament - Easy.  The kid on VCU fouling the Stone Cold Steve Austin shooter for the game-tying four point play.  Sometimes, you can blame the coach for stupid decisions but I don't here.  An overzealous defender doesn't all of a sudden turn Shaka Smart into Shaka Dumb (looking at you, RS).

*People forget that Bill Self is a loser - They really shouldn't do that.  He does this almost every year.  The guy was born to fail.  Remember how 2014 was the greatest draft class ever?  It may still end up being ELITE, but Wiggins, Parker, and Embiid now all of a sudden don't look so can't miss, eh?

*The foul calls are getting to be absurd - These games are taking FOREVER.  On Friday night, UCLA didn't even tip off until 11:14!  Something has to change here.  I'm cool with getting rid of hand-checking but maybe move the one-and-one to nine fouls and the double bonus at 12.  Free throw shooting has been atrocious anyway (looking at you, Mark Gottfried!).

*Steve Fisher is on the money - The San Diego State coach may look like a dead lesbian, but he nailed the NCAA to the wall on Thursday night.  They were told that if they had lost to that ELITE NMSU giant, they were to go to the airport immediately and GTFO.  Even though they would not get out of the arena until 2-3 AM EST, they would NOT be granted a hotel room on the NCAA.  Fuck that.  Way to be unnecessarily greedy and kudos to Fisher for calling them out.  If you want 10 pm tip times, don't be niggardly with your never-ending bankroll and take care of the kids.

*So much for that dark horse - I told you after Jeff "Patriot" Orr got vilified for being an ELITE fan that OK State was a first round loss waiting to happen.  Then the genius analysts kept telling us that they could go to the Final Four for some reason.  They got their asses kicked by a dog shit Gonzaga squad.  Go home, Marcus Dumb.

*Michigan and Michigan State might be the two best teams left - They are both playing really well but, then again, Rick Barnes is a worse coach than me.  Also, did any of you pick Villanova to go farther than the Sweet Sixteen?  If you did, may I ask why?  You can't possibly have any explanation for that.

*Putting Aaron Craft into proper perspective - Twenty years from now, when we think back on Aaron Craft's college basketball years, it's going to be a very similar opinion to how we talk about Crystal Pepsi today.  A lot of "LULZ what the fuck WAS that"?

*Well, that was the game of the year - Wichita State/Kentucky was fantastic from tip to buzzer.  That is a FACT.  What a great atmosphere and both teams playing balls to the wall.  Yeah, Calipari scummed his was to victory and Julius Randle went HAM on America, but this should not discount ANYTHING that the Shockers accomplished this season.  They are a great basketball team that was rewarded with a tough as fuck draw against a team that has finally figured it out.  That's all.  Someone had to lose.  We all wanted it to be Seal.  But there is nothing wrong about Louisville and Kentucky playing this week.  NOTHING.

*Shut up, no one cares - Your bracket means nothing to everyone and you aren't even close to winning your contest anyway.  Stop talking about it "being busted".  The only time that you can complain is when NC State misses every goddamn free throw and it costs you actual money.  GODDAMN YOU, WOLFPACK!

*About Iowa State - So sorry, Cyclones.  I profess my deep love for your team and then Georges Niang breaks his goddamn foot.  That's typical of me.  I am such a mush.  I assume that Carolina held on.  Anything that happened after this game is not going to get analyzed just know that I'm rooting against Steve Alford.  UPDATE: YES!  "WE" DID IT!  WHAT A FINISH!  ATTACK OF THE CLONES!!!  I haven't been this happy since Ron Simmons retweeted me on Saturday night!  DAMN!

I don't know about you guys, but I'm basketballed out right now.  I've been overloaded.  I need a few days off before getting back into it.  Either way, this tournament has been really fun so for (Saint Louis excluded OBVZ because they are ASS).  I expect it to continue.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Open Forum: March Madness Day 2

Seal is such a fucking idiot.
I just couldn't help myself. If you recall my whining, I have taken yesterday and today off for at least the last 7 years. I did not this year since the little one is on the way and I have been told to save vacation days by my terrorist wife. Considering that we hardly ever go on vacations (sorry, world travelin' Randy Steve), those were all free couch days for me (the best kind of days). Anyway, after yesterday's ELITE Ohio Buckeyes loss, I just couldn't help myself. I took this afternoon off. FUCK MY KID. If she can't handle Big Daddy Cool taking a few hours off to watch hoops then she can GTFO!

Just kidding. I love you, unborn child. I will spend part of this afternoon putting together some of the unnecessary furniture that your awful mother purchased for you. You better cherish this shit 4eva! BUT HOOPS WILL BE ON THE TV and my work will be consistently shoddy. DEAL WITH IT!

Feel free to discuss whatever you want to today.  Make sure that you take a little time to rip Cakes for shitting all over Ohio's entire season saying that they were awful all year.  What a fucking tool.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

You Know What The Fuck We're Talking About Open Forum

Championship Bewbz!
I'm not going to come up with some clever post, like my top 10 theories about what happened to that Malaysian flight(IT WAS GHOST ALIENS!), because we all know exactly what the fuck is going on today. It's the most wonderful time of the year. March Madness is squarely upon us and we're not pulling out for the next three weeks. I unfortunately cannot take off tomorrow AND Friday, but will be leaving work early Friday to properly celebrate this holiday(And the fact that state basketball is this week which means GOOD BROS taking over Varsity Club). And yes, it should be treated as a fucking holiday.

I've decided to break this post down into three categories: Longshots, Chalktards, and Final Fo.

Longshots: Teams with a 10+ seed that are going to still be alive after this weekend.

Dayton. And I can promise you that this isn't a troll pick, or a homer pick as I am the Internets most famous Flyer. Dayton has 4 guys that hover around 40% from 3 point range, is a strong offensive rebounding team, and wants to kick the fucking shit out of Thad. I think they will get past the Fuckeyes and matchup really good against Syracuse. Most importantly, they have a guy named Scoochie.

Stephen F Austin. If they were playing any other 5 seed this would be a mega lock GUARANSHEED. But they are facing the Fighting Shaka's of VCU and that gives me pause. But SFU has ran off 28 straight W's, plays an aggressive defense themselves, and controls the ball of offense. I see them beating VCU's pressure consistently and running away with that game. Then that leaves UCLA or Tulsa. UCLA is coming in hot and will hold off Tulsa. But Jeremiah Trotter went to Stephen F Austin. Exactly.

North Carolina State. Ever since the bracket was announced I had NC State over Saint Louis. The first weekend is about ELITE players. TJ Warren is one of the most elite players in the game right now. I know Louisville is a hot pick because they were absolutely wrecking bitches down the stretch. But they haven't played anybody, somebody smart on the radio said they lacked front court DEPF, and somebody from that region has to lose if Michigan is going to make it out.

Chalktards: Top teams that are getting murked this weekend.

Wisconsin. I never buy the Badgers in March. Over the last 4 years they have made the Sweet 16 twice, which is pretty good, I guess. But I am buying into Oregon. This isn't the same Wiscy from previous years that kills it on D and controls the ball. Wiscy likes to score, but Oregon likes to score more and looked really strong closing out the year.

Syracuse. They have been in a free fall and I think Dayton takes them down.

Kansas. They just aren't the same team without Embiid. New Mexico is lead by two seniors who have seen this all before. One of those seniors is a 6'9" big body, Cam Bairstow, who will be occupying the same space that Embiid normally would. Also, Bill Self is not ELITE.

Villanova. I just don't think they are that good. The Big East wasn't good. The only reason I don't really really like picking against them is because I don't think UConn or St. Joe's are that good either. But I think UConn can beat Nova.

Final Fo.

Florida. Michigan State. Duke. Creighton.

Kills me to pick Duke to beat Michigan in the Sweet Sixteen, but they know how to shut Stauskas down and that's how you beat Michigan. I feel like Baylor might make it out of the West region, but I can't bet against Dougie McBuckets. Florida makes it out of the South because that entire region is ass. I really want to pick ISU to beat Sparty, but I watched both of these teams beat Michigan this year and Sparty is more impressive right now.

I've got Sparty beating Duke in the Championship. I obvs don't want to pick Sparty and don't want to go with all the ESPN clowns...but Sparty can beat you in so many ways

So there it is, folks. Follow this blueprint to PWNing your bracket pool. Feel free to tell me how awesome my picks are in the comments, or make your own asinine predictions and pick Kentucky vs Fuckeyes in the Championship. LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

My Owner Is Worse Than Yours!

Just awful.
St. Patrick’s Day was earlier this week and this year’s version started off with a bang when Colts owner and Parks & Rec star, Jim Irsay, was hilariously arrested for a DWI and four felony counts of drug possession (probably celebrating a Fuckeye failure and Drew leaving his city). It makes sense. Have you ever seen this guy or accidentally read one of his insane classic rock tweets and thought “he looks/sounds sober”. You don’t see a lot of billionaire NFL owners breaking traffic laws with drugs on them these days and that is a damn shame. Once released from the drunk tank (I really should pitch my reality show “Billionaire Drunk Tank” to the jerks on Shark Tank…billion dollar idea, bruh), Irsay tweeted thanks to all of those who support him. WHO IS SUPPORTING A DRUNK AND STONED OUT OF HIS MIND DRIVER!!! Stop it, fat humps, this asshole knows better.

Speaking of NFL owners, the Lions need a new one (or maybe someone took the reins already…I don’t give a fuck) as William Clay Ford finally died a few weeks ago. This guy doesn’t get enough credit for being a fuck-ass as he pretty much refused to fire Matt Millen until 90% of the Lions home games were attended by people wearing brown paper bags. This got me thinking about making a list (always a classic topic staple here!). Actually, this one was kind of tough with such worthy contenders. Who are the ten worst owners in the NFL!!!

10. Mark Davis, Oakland – All you really have to do is look at the guy to know that he isn’t all there. Even Peter Rose’s Prince Valiant haircut from the 70’s laughs at Little Al’s weave.

9. Jerry Richardson, Carolina – This guy is truly a bucket of shit. He is in his 70’s but paid his way to the top of a heart transplant list a few years ago and probably killed more deserving and younger people. That story doesn’t get told enough. He is also a huge racist and probably calls Cam Newton “Kunte”.

8. Ralph Wilson, Buffalo – I would say JUST DIE ALREADY but his still-breathing-somehow corpse is probably the only thing keeping the Bills in NY. They need to come to Rob Ford where they belong. He would treat them well.

7. Jim Irsay, Indianapolis – This shithead hasn’t worked a day in his life and got a fucking NFL team handed to him by his daddy. Then he lucks into years of Peyton and, uh, Luck. I’m glad that he needs help. I just hope that no one gives it to him. Seriously, Irsay might be the luckiest person on the planet. Everyone should envy him but no one should respect him.

6. Daniel Snyder, Washington – Hoo boy, Little Danny probably could be in the top 5 but he has been known to sue people who write mean things about him on the internet so we’ll keep him just out. He has turned Fed Ex Field into one of the worst game day experiences in the league. He sues season ticket holders. He meddles like a boss. The one bit of credit I will give him is that he has removed himself from the GM process. And that is great because he was AWFUL at that.

5. Virginia McCaskey, Chicago – LOL a woman owner! She is related to George Halas somehow. I’m pretty sure that all Bears fans want her to die so that Ditka can run the team somehow. There isn’t a fan base more stuck in the past with no intentions of joining the real world than the Bears. Now let’s watch Prime teach his kid how to do The Super Bowl Shuffle!

4. Green Bay Packers Fans, Green Bay – There aren’t many things more annoying than knowing a Packer fan who bought one share of the team and call themselves an owner. Fuck these people. Fuck them hard up the cheese-shoot.

3. Mike Brown, Cincinnati – There isn’t an owner in all of sports more niggardly(!) with his money than old Mikey. He doesn’t allow anyone to take Gatorade home with them. His scouting staff is 20% the size of your average NFL teams. That staff includes former Buckeye coach and Michigan’s bitch, John Cooper (I believe). He is a cheap bastard that would rather make a dollar profit than win the Super Bowl and lose a buck. Plus, not one person in SW Ohio likes him.

2. Jerry Jones, Dallas – Jerral the owner would be fine because he spends money and demands wins. Jerral the GM makes Jerry Jones overall the second worst owner in football. My God, he is rotten at drafting/spending his cap wisely. I mean, come on, there is NO STATE TAX in Texas! Big time players should be lining up to play in that lavish stadium of his. But they aren’t because Dallas never has cap room and the coaching staff is always butt. The Cowboys should be a TRANSCENDENT franchise!

1. Jimmy Haslam, Cleveland – You’ve really got to hand it to Jimmy. In less than one year as owner, he started over twice. That takes big dumb balls. This guy has no idea what he’s doing AND he is about to go to prison for the rest of his life (you Browns fans should be rooting for this). I would love to find out why Goodell didn’t take the team from him. This guy is scum, a rube, and a moron. He is a really triple threat of shittiness (also: he is a Steelers fan which somehow makes this package even more grubby).

While you may not agree with the order above, you can’t deny that these ten owners are really bad. It just goes to show you that being rich doesn’t make one intelligent. And I should know since I’m three weeks from becoming a billionaire and I plan on being just as stupid. Solid gold toilets for all!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I Don't Take Days Off, N-Words!

"Ma-Hay-Low?  Did I say it right?   /snort laugh"

Even though I'm in a far away place while you losers get dumped on with another tonnage of Mother Nature's cunt fury, it won't stop me from bringing you yet another flawless Tuesday post.  If blog Pulitzer's were a thing, I would be in the running every year.  But even though I never take days off, don't expect some fancy schmancy post today while I'm on vacation.  I don't like you fuckers that much.  Anyway, since I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, this is what you assholes get.  The DOs and DONTs while traveling the globe.  For most of you that globe is Ohio.

DO Travel first class

I'm not saying travel first class every time you fly.  That would just be unrealistic unless you fart money.  But do it as often as your funds will allow.  If you never have before, at least once in your life, you owe it to yourself to sloth it up in first class and turn your nose up to all of the fucking scabs in coach.  First class is the cat's ass.  You get everything and coach gets shit.  Meals, drinks, hot towels, endless snacks, extra room to aggressively scratch your balls.  First class does have it all.  It really is worth the price of admission.

DONT wear your vacation garb while still on vacation

This never fails.  If I'm in...let's say, Arizona...I will see some idiot tourist wearing a t-shirt that will have some gaudy desert picture emblazoned on it with Phoenix, AZ proudly displayed underneath.  Listen.  If you're all about buying vacation t-shirts designed for men and women over the age of 60 then by all means, get nasty with it.  But for the love of Jehovah, wait until you get back to whatever state you hail from before you start wearing it every other day.  You look fucking stupid when you debut it in the state you purchased it in.  Or continue to wear it so the tweekers know what sucker to harass for spare change.

DO Avoid Asians

Holy shit.  There is not a more oblivious group of people on the planet.  Asians are in a fucking league of their own.  Not to brag, but I've been all over the world on various work trips/vacations.  It doesn't matter what part of the globe I'm in...Asian people have a knack of constantly getting in the fucking way.  Whether it be to window shop, aimlessly look around or just to take a picture of a crack in the sidewalk for no God damn reason at all.  You can set your fucking watch to an Asian not paying attention while plowing through your body if you happen to be in their general vicinity.  If you see one, just stop and cross the street or walk in the opposite direction.  It'll be worth it, I promise.

DONT use the local lingo in a pathetic attempt to fit in

You're not fitting in, you're looking and sounding like a complete dildo.  Just because you're in Southern California doesn't mean that you have to be "stoked" about everything or you have to think that everything is "rad".  Locals can spot the tourists ripping off the way they talk and I can promise you they aren't impressed.  They think you're a fucking loser and they're definitely making fun of you but you're too stupid to realize it.  You're from Ohio (most of you).  Act like it.

DO rub it in

There's nothing better than being a social media bragger.  I love giving a big "fuck you" to all of the suckers back home who are dick deep in snow while I'm getting gassed on a tropical beach.  It almost always brings out the worst in people.  But fuck em because I don't care.  The reality is that a nice vacation to a place you've never been before is very possible if you learn how to budget your money correctly and stick to a savings plan.  I'm by no means a financial stud (I would be if this fucking blog actually paid me what I'm worth!!!) but I've been able to travel to a lot of awesome places despite that.  I like to think by rubbing it in I'm providing that extra push to the people who always talk about how they've always wanted to go to "insert place here".  I'm a giver.  I just can't help it.

DONT stick to the hot touristy spots

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of touristy places where you're going that deserve attention.  But you should only spend a small portion of your trip at those places.  Some of the coolest shit around you won't find in a guide book you bought at Barnes and Noble for fifteen bucks.  But that also means you actually have to locate your nuts and ham it up with the locals to find the really gnarly spots.  As long as you're straight with them, most are more than happy to offer up some hidden gems of whatever land you're fanny packing around in.  Or you can just tuck your t-shirt into your jean shorts and hit your second resort luau in 4 days, pansy.

DO experience local cuisine

It'll either be mind blowing or totally traumatic.  Either way you'll have a bitchin story to tell when you get back.  Because you can always shove McDonald's into your fat fucking mouth 6 days in a row back home, right?  Example: A year and a half ago I was in Maui and went to a restaurant that served poi.  Didn't know what it was, never had it but I knew it was something only Hawaiians eat.  So I said "fuck it" and dove right in.  Huge mistake.  If you could somehow turn what morning breath smells like into a paste, that's what the flavor was.  It took every muscle I had not to fucking retch all over the table.  But I'm glad I ate it because who the hell can say they've had poi?  Stop being a pussy and eat what the locals eat at the diviest dives that ever dived.

DONT sleep in

You can sleep when you're dead, ya fuckin bum.  Vacations are for doing shit you can't do back home while living the life you hate.  Vacations are not for laying in bed until noon like a hung over college kid.

DO learn about the local customs and history

Get cultured, scab.  Not only do other states/countries have great history and interesting facts, you can also explode people's skulls with tasty knowledge upon your triumphant return.  You should always take advantage of any opportunity to pretend you're smarter than you really are.

DONT feel obligated to bring home gifts for everyone you know

The very first question I ALWAYS get asked when I reintegrate myself back into my home turf is, "whaddya buy me?".  The answer is always "Not a God damn thing".  I will buy shit for my immediate family only if I see something they like and I'll buy something for a friend who has done me a memorable solid recently.  Outside of that, you can fuck off proper.

DO feel obligated to get yourself tons of shit

Go nuts, guys.  Buy the shit you would never buy yourself in a thousand years.  Like Donna and Tom from Parks and Rec say, "TREAT YO' SELF!"  Stop being such a fucking tight wad for once.  You've set aside a certain amount of loot to spend while on vacation and you're a sucker if you bring any of it back.  But don't buy the Made In China mass produced garbage.  Get the locally made stuff no one else has.  People will be jealous and jealousy totally rules.

DONT try to fuck the locals

I see this everywhere I go and it never stops being hilarious.  Be it one of my friends or a drunk cock waste at a bar I'm in.  She doesn't care about that fictional life you just mouth puked on her or how much money you have or where you live.  At the end of the day she's heard better lines from hotter guys with bigger Johnsons.  Unless you're someone extremely famous, she isn't fucking you.  No, she isn't.  NO!  SHE IS NOT!

There you go, dicks.  Follow these simple rules and you will be a traveling expert like myself in no time.  Now prepare yourself for Ide to tell the story of that one smoking hot local bartender who doesn't have a Facebook that he fucked that one time in the Niagra Falls area.  She's real, you guys!  HONEST!!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Who Wants To Be A Billionaire (Regis Voice)!

Alright!  The brackets have been unleashed for the masses.  It's time to seek perfection and take one billion dollars out of stupid Dan Gilbert's stupid wallet. I can think of nothing I'd rather do more.  He is the PERFECT asshole to make me a billionaire.   But before we look at the regions, pick winners, and name our champion that will probably lose in the second round, let's have a #realtalk about Aaron Craft as I feel like the 99 percent of mouth-breathing Ohio Buckeye fans are confused about why people don't like him.

Look, you may not understand this but there is a difference between hate and disrespect.  I respect how Craft plays the game.  I really do.  He doesn't always play smart (see: why is he the one taking the HILARIOUS final shot on Saturday) but he always plays hard and that is honorable.  But I hate what you people have made him into which is some sort of Great White Hope.  There are a lot of people (and this has been confirmed by LULZworthy radio callers) who consider Craft to be one of the five best Buckeye basketball players of all time.  ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?  Way to overreact to what you are watching now.  This notion that "he just wants it more" and "plays winning basketball" is really fucking insulting to his teammates who play equally as hard (except for Amir) and also can make clutch shots.  Let's call a spade a spade here but the other way around: dumb Ohio fans love Aaron Craft because he's white and has grit.  Period.  That is an absolute FACT.  If he looked like Jamar Butler, they would cheer still but there would be no memes and shrines or whatever.

Mike Conley accomplished more in one year than Craft has in four but you don't see the rubes buying Conley jerseys (or Ron Lewis!) for Little Billy at Christmas.  Trey Burke Sucks and Oladipo?  They played "winning basketball" as well (and significantly better) but they didn't get this weirdo mythical God treatment.  I don't give a shit if he wants to go to med school or does community service or has good grades or whatever.  That has nothing to do with why I HATE him.  It is because YOU PEOPLE have put him on such an undeserved and unearned high pedestal that I have no other choice but to root for him to fall off/fail.  Does anyone actually root for the goody two-shoes?  And that is EXACTLY why Saturday's one shining moment of a two foot three point shot was so great and I can't wait to see what Craft has in store to end his career soon.  If you don't want people to hate your athletes then stop giving us a million reasons to do just that.  Now, to be fair, I don't lump any of you guys in with the knuckle-draggers (maybe Cakes) but the 99 percenters are why everyone is "out to get you".  You people are shitheads and don't understand it.  Don't confuse passion with being a fucktard.  DEAL WITH IT.  Let's break down the brackets, shall we?

Initial Thoughts - Holy shit!  The NCAA sure does hate Wichita State and wants to make sure that no mid-major wins the title, no?  Hell, even a second round potential matchup with the Slow Seals is tough.
WTF? - Fuck this...Louisville should have been the last one or the first two and they are a four.  That's fucking stupid and bad.  The Cards would be ten point favorites at least over Michigan, Wisconsin, and Villanova.
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - Unfortunately, I've got to say Wichita State.
First round upset - Play-In game winner over St. Louis.  The Billikens are (Joe Namath voice) strug-guh-ling.
Who's going to the Final Four? - Louisville.  EASILY.

Initial Thoughts - It pays to be the #1 overall seed and the NCAA rewards you with nothing but teams that are trending downward.  There are some nice names in region but they production doesn't match the reputation.
WTF? - The CBS guys seemed to be all up in arms about New Mexico being a 7 seed.  Have you not seen this team play before?  They always suck cocks in March.  I found it offensive that anyone could defend the Lobos.
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - UCLA.  Steve Alford's favorite hobby--outside of "being an asshole"--is losing in the first weekend
First round upset - Dayton over Ohio.  Oh man, nice work, NCAA.  These two teams NEVER play each other which is wrong and it is entirely because of the Fuckeyes.  This game means a LOT to the Flyers.  Either way, Ohio isn't beating the Syracuse zone in Buffalo.  Goodnight. Thanks for playing.
Who's going to the Final Four? - Kansas.  Florida is going to get caught eventually.

Initial Thoughts - I like this region.  There is a lot intrigue here.  I'm a big fan of UVa.  They PLAY THE RIGHT WAY!  My preseason champion pick was Sparty and them being a 4 seed seems odd but Izzo has them playing their best at the right time (like usual)
WTF? - Villanova...I just don't get it. 
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - Villanova OBVZ.
First round upset - Harvard over Cincinnati.  As a UC hater, I was very pleased to see this as their opponent.  Lock it up.
Who's going to the Final Four? - Iowa State (over Michigan State).  I LOVE the Cyclones.

Initial Thoughts - This is, without question, the weakest region.  Arizona is shaky.
WTF? - Wisconsin didn't win the regular season or the tournament in the Big Ten and is still a 2 seed?  I guess that an early win over Virginia carries a lot of cache.
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - Arizona UH OH!
First round upset - Give me NDSU over Oklahoma
Who's going to the Final Four? - As much I want to see Creighton in the Final Four...ehhhhhh, I can't do it.  I wanted to pick Oklahoma State to go to Dallas but I won't.  Creighton it is.

So I've got Kansas/Iowa State and Louisville/Creighton in my Final Four.  Zero one seeds!  I am so smart!  I'm picking Iowa State over Louisville for the title.  Fred Hoiberg is my homeboy!  Good luck with your billion dollar bracket and--should you win--don't forget about your king.  If you want a tip, here is one: 7 of the last 8 national champions won their conference tournament.  So if you're banking on Zona or WE ON or Duke or whoever...history says that you shouldn't.  Take it for what it's worth.  Let's tip this fucker off already!

Friday, March 14, 2014

G$'s OVERRATED Conference Tournaments Preview!!!

In case you are incredibly dense, March Madness starts next week. YES! Oh, what a great time of year this is. Hoops on top of hoops on top of hoops…all played at an ELITE level now that Georgetown is nowhere to be found (they got their annual choke out of the way early this year to DeLOL). Sadly, this is the first year in forever that I’m not taking any time off to watch the games since She$ tells me that I can’t waste vacation days anymore. Fuck her. She’s not the boss of me. Looks like I’ll be hanging out in the lunch room all afternoon next Thursday and Friday.

Anyway, the conference tournaments have gotten underway and this is a very underrated weekend itself. You could probably make a case that this is BETTER than next weekend since wins this weekend give you bragging rights for the next 365. I mean, if WE ON wins the Big Ten and sweeps the conference this year, they’re going to enjoy that a hell of a lot more than beating Norfolk State and UNLV next weekend. But I digress. I figured that I would spend today getting everyone’s mindgrapes right and unloading a conference tournament primer for this weekend. It will help get everybody’s juices flowing so that next week we will all be prepared to start our quest toward Warren Buffett’s billion dollars! Let’s investigate the big 8 conferences in which you could easily see Final Four teams coming from:

Where is the tournament? Greensboro, NC
Who are the high seeds? Virginia (one), Syracuse, Duke, North Carolina
Is this usually fun to watch? Not really. Dick Vitale’s voice always gets strained and he is whisper screaming. Plus, there are always a ton of upsets which leads to some boring team like Florida State playing in the finals
What question needs to be answered? Is Virginia for real and should we, the public, be taking them seriously?

Where is the tournament? Memphis
Who are the high seeds? Cincinnati (one) and Louisville
Is this usually fun to watch? I have no fucking clue since this is the first tournament for this conference as currently constructed
What question needs to be answered? Is Louisville primed to make another title run? I don’t buy Cincinnati at all since they struggle to score so it is the Cards or bust out of the American (solid conference IMO).

Atlantic 10
Where is the tournament? Brooklyn…fuck you, Ide.
Who are the high seeds? Saint Louis and VCU
Is this usually fun to watch? I always enjoy watching the A-10 championship game on Sunday because Verne and Bill do it and either team is capable of an upset or two.
What question needs to be answered? Fuck if I know…How gay is Ide?  If you're a black man at his gym...VERY!

Big East
Where is the tournament? The Garden
Who are the high seeds? Villanova, Creighton, and Xavier
Is this usually fun to watch? You’re damn right it is. OBVZ, this conference is not what it used to be but the Catholic schools that remain can still play some entertaining ball. And if for some reason we get the top two seeds playing for the title, Doug McDermott averages about a thousand points per game vs. Nova this year.
What question needs to be answered? Is Villanova really worthy of a one seed and can any of these teams make it to the sweet sixteen?  UPDATE: LESLIE KNOPE!

Big Ten
Where is the tournament? Indianapolis…home of Charles Mulligan’s Steakhouse
Who are the high seeds? WE ON, Bo Ryan and the Klan, and Sparty
Is this usually fun to watch? Not really. The Big Ten isn’t known for its high-flyers. You get more possession grinding in this league and an especially high lot of that when you’re playing three games in three days.
What question needs to be answered? Are any of these teams actually any good? That’s the weird thing about the conference this season: everyone has HUGE flaws. I mean, WE ON won the regular season title EASILY without their best player. How is that possible? Nebraska is the goddamn four seed!

Big 12
Where is the tournament? Kansas City
Who are the high seeds? Kansas
Is this usually fun to watch? Nope. This is a Fran Fraschilla Fest and unless he is breaking down foreigners on draft night, he puts me to sleep.
What question needs to be answered? How fucked is Kansas without Joel Embiid? I’d bet a sizable amount that they don’t win this weekend. I wouldn’t mind seeing a little run by Marcus Smart and the Pokes since he seems to be a stable gentleman when the pressure rises.

Pac 12
Where is the tournament? Las Vegas
Who are the high seeds? Arizona, UCLA, and Arizona State
Is this usually fun to watch? Absolutely. This tournament always seems ripe with upsets and buzzer beaters.
What question needs to be answered? Does Zona have their shit together? They SHOULD come out of the West in two weeks just based on talent and coaching alone. But they haven’t been right since Brandon Ashley got hurt and they have no DEPF.

Where is the tournament? Atlanta
Who are the high seeds? Florida and Kentucky
Is this usually fun to watch? Not at all unless Marshall Henderson is doing a lot of Marshall Henderson things
What question needs to be answered? Can anyone beat Florida over the next month? This is a two team league and even that second team isn’t one that you can count on. The Gators shouldn’t play anyone within single digits this weekend. They probably shouldn’t until the Final Four.

I hope that that helped or at least got your mind where it belongs. It’s March, jerks, so start showing some respect. I’m not doing anything this weekend but laying on the couch and watching a fuck-ton of hoops, I cannot wait. This is also the time of year where Damman questions whether he should continue his March Madness NUT Pool. You’re doing it. You have nothing else important to do. DEAL WITH IT. Enjoy the basketball and we’ll be back on Monday to look at the brackets and predict who is going to RISE TO THE OCCASION and who is going to John Thompson III.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Baby, What's Your Name?

Webcams. A fathers worst enemy.

At Ribfest I told G$ that this blog was going to name his baby and, god dammit, I meant it. So this entire post is dedicated to that devil spawn currently residing inside She Money.

As a well respected sociologist and counselor of children with terrible names, I feel that I should drop some knowledge on how not to name your child. Now, most of the kids that I work with currently are black males, but bad names are bad names. Here are just a few of the gems that I get to call out everyday*; MelSharron, Ronnico, Cornelius, King, Billy Ray, Dearyon, and the list goes on and on. So G$, I've done some homework for you. The five trashiest names for white girls are; Amber, Heather, Kayla, Stephanie, and Alyssa. The five top "high-end" names for girls are; Alexandra, Lauren, Katherine, Madison, and Rachel. Just going through names of people I know those lists are full of SO much truth. Also, if a girl's name ends with an "A" she's a total whore. Layla, Kayla, Shawna, Mariana, Brianna, Ava, Emma...all sluts. And for fuck sake, don't name your daughter after a Game of Thrones character. Yes, that is a thing.

I tried to come up with some criteria that I needed to follow when considering these names:

  • Not just some stripper name. It would be really easy to throw out some porn names and be done with it. For example, Kimmy Cum Dumpster, Gynger Lynn, Mandy McSquirts, or Bambi Blow would all be up for consideration. But lets have some respect.
  • This is a sports blog, so there must be a sports connection.
  • No Y's. G$ made it very clear that his child will not have a name with a moronically placed Y in it.
So lets do this:

Honorable Mention:
All porn star names. Especially those with Ginger in them because we must not forget about G$'s daywalker status.

5. Alexandra Danielle. I personally know one girl named Alex. She is a lesbian. On another level, G$'s favorite baseball player ever is Alex Rodriguez. G$'s favorite owner is Daniel Snyder. G$'s favorite porn star is Derec Alexander. Now that I re-evaluate this name it probably deserves to be higher than #5. This one really hits on all levels.

4. Donna Potapenko. Name one hot chick you have ever seen that was named Donna... EXACTLY! No guy wants a daughter who is stacked with T n A. Having the name Donna makes that a lock. Potapenko is an obvious nod to the Wright State great, Vitaly Potapenko, a first round draft pick of the Cavs and current assistant coach in Cleveland. Crazy middle names are all the rage now, or at least that's what Ide tells me. Also, her nickname could be DP.

3. Christine Georgetta. Who is G$'s favorite pro wrestler and ultimate guide to ELITE parenting? Chris Benoit, of course. I can totes see G$ hiding in the bushes on homecoming night waiting for Henry HardOn to come pick up his daughter, then jumping out and putting the kid in a brutal Crippler Crossface. And if George Foreman can name his 17 daughters ALL Georgetta Foreman, then I think G$ can give the middle name to his daughter to pay his respects to George Steinbrenner. Only seems right.

2. Travina Wallina. Now, I did a google search for the name Travina and there appears to be a couple actresses out there with this name, so it's legit. Might have a little latin flare, but from what I hear She Money is no stranger to going south of the border if you know what I mean. The ultimate ode to Miami greats, Travis Prentice and Wally Szczerbiak.

1. Sean Taylor. NAME YOUR FUCKING KID THIS! I am normally strongly against naming your girl any name even close to a dudes, but this just makes too much sense. Hell, you can even make it girly and black by adding an "A" on the end.

Please feel free to drop your own suggestions in the comments. Or any sort of knowledge that you have on classy vs slutty names. As far as I know none of the regular commenters have daughters, so there should be some interesting perspective here.

Now I'm going to go research how to guarantee I have a boy.

* I have changed names just in case somebody out there thinks I am actually using client names

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Hockey Rink: America's Death Trap

Carry The Flag, you big dummy!
One of the real hot button issues in the world of sports this week has been on-ice hockey deaths. Well, sort of. Ironically, both big cases had deep Ohio roots which makes it ripe for a few hot takes from this site. Now Monday night, I’m enjoying Nasty Nate Horton’s first goal in a coon’s age to put your beloved CBJ up 1-0 over Dallas early in the first. I’m firing off a few fresh Tweets about how Stars goalie Tim Thomas is a terrorist (he is…probably doesn’t even eat Freedom Fries) when all hell breaks loose a few minutes later. By now you have already read/heard/seen the coverage of the Stars Rich Peverley collapsing on the bench from a cardiac event but I can say that it was one of the scariest things that I’ve ever seen in sports.

OK, so the Jackets TV coverage has Jody Shelley (who is ELITE and gets better at this every game) in between the benches as their Pee Air McGuire figure. You can hear him stumble and stammer his words out and there is screaming coming from the benches so you know that something is wrong. Like a boss, my immediate reaction is “that better not be one of our guys”. Jeff Rimer says that an official went down even though all four are visible on camera. Rimer is moron. You see a ton of medical personnel—with no time wasted at all—pick up a body and take it back into the locker room and the viewer is watching ALL OF THIS. The Stars players are shaking and crying. The Jackets guys are shook up as well. You could hear a pin drop in the deathly silent American Airlines Arena. There was literally no sound being made. Watching this unfold was super creepy.

Fortunately, we found out a little bit later that Peverley was conscious and on his way to the hospital and that is great to hear because that looked REALLY bad live. I mean, no joke, judging the reactions of his teammates, I thought he died. I was pretty certain that I just watched an athlete die on camera. It turns out that Peverley has a history of heart issues so I hope that he can walk away from the sport and focus more on the future and avoid any more episodes like what happened on Monday night. You have to chuckle when it was revealed that once revived, he asked to go back into the game. That is incredible. I wish him well. That being said…

*Rich Peverley’s heart attack totally fucks up the CBJ’s postseason push, bruh! – We’re going to have to wedge another trip down to Big D some time again during an already compacted final month of the season. Let’s be honest, we were going to crush Dallas on Monday. The first 7 minutes of that game looked like Team Canada vs. one of those little kid teams. I’m not sure that it would have been possible to restart that game after that scene, BUT we’re kind of the victims here. The CBJ are in the Cup-winning business and unnecessary road trips aren’t going to help with that. Oh well, it’s been awhile since the league office made things tough on their signature franchise. I’m used to it by now. I’m starting to think that this could be an inside job. I’m going to need to take a look at that EKG immediately. Or perhaps Richie couldn’t believe that Horton finally scored again. Either way, I smell Kahoots! I’m talking about the strip club now and can we go there?

*Ohio’s state hockey championship ended in a tie – By now, you’ve probably already heard about this travesty (and it is ironic because Drew was talking to me at Barley’s about how entertaining the HS hockey game he went to recently was) from over the weekend. After SEVEN overtimes, the OHSAA ruled the title game between Northview and St. Ignatius a 1-1 tie and that they would be co-champions. The reasoning behind this decision was “player safety” and that makes sense but COME ON. This is for a championship, dammit! I don’t believe that a shoot-out was the answer because a ring should not be awarded based on a skills competition, but they should have at least came back the next day. If anything, neither team should have been named state champion. How can you be #1 if you didn’t win the game? If you ask me, they are both losers. Well, not Northview’s goalie who had 83 saves. EIGHTY THREE! That kid is the real champion! It makes a little more sense after you saw what happened in Dallas the other night that you don’t want kids skating at a high level for four straight hours though.

There we go…some hot hockey takes on this Wednesday (snow coming again!). Hopefully, we can all laugh at Drew and the Sauls for being inferior NHL fans today as long as the CBJ didn’t give another opponent a life-threatening condition last night. Rumor has it that Drool and I met up at the game. Two times in one week? SO HOT! Feel free to talk about whatever you want. You know the rules by now: #1 Always Carry The Flag and #2 Seal Sucks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Super Awesome Mail In Post

Me by noon tomorrow.

I didn't mention this at RibFest because I was too busy not introducing new people to he's the girlfriend I never wanted or something.  Crybaby.  Anyway, today starts my vacation so to kick things off proper, I will be almost completely mailing this one in while staying true to everyone's favorite format.  Bullet point material.  And don't expect any post cards from me.  Just pictures of me in the sun flexing with one arm and grabbing my junk with the other hand.  Do people even send post cards anymore?  Did they survive the information age?  I would argue no unless you're over 70.'s not that important.  Onward.

-Rashard "Taliban Lover" Mendenhall has retired at 26.  It's funny because Mendenhall is putting this spin on it like he's walking away on his own terms and doesn't want to be a "puppet" or an "entertainer".  Whatever you say, shit bird.  This is just a pussy's way of admitting that his body is broken and no team wants a RB that averages 3.2 yards per carry on two wobbly knees that could cave at any moment.  You're a more hated version of Christ Wells which is really fuckin hard to do.  Have fun writing that book no one will buy because you're not interesting and you hate America.

-I love idiots with big mouths.  They make things like blogs possible.  This past Sunday, Minnesota Representative Pat Garofalo sent out a insane tweet about the NBA and criminals.  Here it is:

"Let's be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime"

That's a tweet we expect from resident Rib Buyer, Ide.  Not a State Representative.  What's even better is that a guy named Kevin Draper from The Diss emailed this Garofalo buffoon to ask him if his Twitter account had been hacked.  Not only did Garofalo say no, he continued to defend his position.  Well wouldn't you know it, now Ol' Pat is super sorry and throwing half assed apologies out there.  No one is buying it, racist.  On the upside I'm sure Racist Gruden is now following you on Twitter.  Here's some free advice.  The next time you have one of those thought things creep into your brain space just remember:



That's top shelf guidance, Herm.

-Someone should tell Oscar Pistorius that the Academy Awards are over.  Someone should also tell him he's about to be butt railed for the rest of his life in prison by a gang member with a dick the size of a Pringles can.  I've been reading about this case since the story hit the interwebs and it sounds like this nubby legged murderer is in deep shit.  That's probably why Pistorius has been putting on quite the production in the court room.  Tears, retching, puke buckets at his fake metal feet.  Pulling out all the stops on this one, eh?  Good luck, pal.

-Tracy McGrady is attempting a MLB career at 34 years old as a pitcher.  Yeah...I bet your arm is real live at 34.  For fuck's sake would you and your lazy eye just go away, McFatTits?!  I'm sure this is nothing but a publicity stunt in order to get people to buy tickets for whatever horse shit team he's trying to play for but enough already.  This is just ridiculous.  And can you believe McGrady is only 34?  It feels like he's pushing 50.

-Santonio Holmes was cut by the Jets yesterday.  Now he'll have more time to spend with his first love. Weed.  You guys remember when G$ said Holmes was one of the 20 best wide receivers in the NFL?  LULZ!  What a day that was!  Keep in mind this is the same guy who says, Eli > Peyton.  Basically what I'm saying is never trust G$.

That's all I've got today.  By the time you all read this I'll most likely be sitting in an airport about to board a flight that will take me a trillion miles away from yet another fucking snow storm.  I should be getting shit faced in a pool with the sun on my shoulders in no time.  Enjoy the snow, dildos.

Monday, March 10, 2014

THAT Is How You No-Show a RibFest

Written by a nubian princess!
I don't know about anyone else, but I was a little disappointed in the attendance at this year's RibFest.  I understand that everyone is busy (not true) or might not be sure if they are invited (also not true since I've said numerous times that you're all invited) but you missed out on an instant classic for year #3 of the now annual event.  Allow me to explain because this will probably NEVER happen again.

OK, so we all know that Ide owed Randall and Dut a rib dinner to be cashed in this past weekend (which Dut didn't show up to because he would rather go hungry than deal with Ide which makes a lot of sense).  So we're all hob-knobbing around my ELITE varsity jacket during cocktail hour when it becomes very apparent that Ide isn't there.  We got a good chortle out of just another in a long line of Ide lies and how this Lannister does not pay his debts.  Texts went unanswered.  In the end, we realized that his presence just would have depressed everyone anyway.

So Drew leaves before dinner to go to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese or whatever thus he missed out on the worst server of all time.  The Cakes/Iceman end of the table got their entrees before the way sexier G$/Ape/Grump/Jeff end even ordered our wings/balls.  Whatever.  The food was good although the ribs were a little tougher than I expect from a BBQ joint.  I think it was the hostess who came over while we were finishing up with a note.  She was black which made this all better.  Yep, Ide wasn't coming but he paid for ALL OF OUR MEALS (as you can see from the note above).  We were on our own for tip and drinks, but the food was on James Earl Ray Junior.

You know, I'm not in the business of complimenting total shitheads, but this was a BALLER MOVE.  I don't even care why your plans fell through.  That is how you make everyone forgive you for your constant stream of lies!  Well done, Ide, and just know that this will not be forgotten when it comes time to voting for the 2014 Commenter of the Year.  Yes, the award can be bought.

All in all, a good time but laid back and not too eventful.  We carried the flag and everyone went on their way.  Until next year, gentlemen, when many of us have newborns that we need to escape!  EXCELSIOR!

I just have a few short topics to address today.  Not much in terms of heavy lifting because I'm hungover and still in shock from our worst being overtly generous.  Why yes, I did tell She$ that my hangover yesterday was probably worse than all of her morning sickness combined.

Phil Jackson joining the Knicks front office - I have no idea why this was the story of the weekend.  Dude is a coach.  He isn't a scout or a talent evaluator.  I do want to take this time to chide the morons that think that Phil Jackson is OVERRATED.  No, he is not.  11 titles is 11 titles, bruh.  But I look forward to this disaster organization paying huge money to someone not even remotely qualified and still being awful.  Should be fun!

LeBron came back!!! - I didn't see any highlights from the Big Z number retirement on Saturday night.  Seal, I would like a full report on the evening's festivities.  Basically, how OBVZ was it that LeBron is dying to come back ASAP.  I'd bet that it was TOTES OBVZ.

I can't believe that I'm going to write this, but... - Joakim Noah should be getting way more MVP consideration than he is.  He is carrying that average Bulls team.  More important to them than Rose.  Yeah, ya heard me!

Aaron Craft played his last homo game - Whatever.  Shitbag Ted Valentine let him get away with two fouls on the last two possessions because shitbags gotta stick together.  They still aren't going to win anything this month and no one that matters will ever remember Craft.  We always hear legendary tales of Byron Mullens and KoKo around here.  Craft will be forgotten outside of the men's room wall at all central Ohio gay bars.  Way to be the heart and soul of the worst Ohio Buckeye basketball team of the last 8-10 years.  Yes, the NIT team was better than this blob of bricks and shit.

That will do it for today.  Plenty to talk about.  Again, it's always an enjoyable time to meet up with you Darren Sharper clones every once in awhile.  Since one of us may or may not be moving to Urban Meyer's old stomping grounds this Summer, Cakes and I were talking about maybe putting something together up in BG (Myles Pizza, BRAH!) before he rolls down south.  Cakes sucks.  For Life.