Friday, January 31, 2014

Predicting The Super Bong...GET IT!!!

I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog’s creation. This is the 8th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. I successfully predicted a Colts win and cover in our first try at this. In 2008, the numbers favored the Patriots but without covering. In year 3, it had the Steelers by 14 which was dumb. In 2010, we called for a Saints upset victory. Three years ago, we swung and missed more than Adam Dunn as we liked the Steelers to lose yet cover but were thankful that they FAILED MISERABLY. Of course, we nailed the Giants to win and parlayed that with the under in 2012. Last year, we also rocked the shit out of the Joe Flacco ELITE train. So to sum up, the system is nailing the outright winner at 88% and the spread at a 73% clip. I expect to continue our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no real feel on this game at all. I can’t look at either team and say “yes, this is why they will definitely win” as I have been able to do the last few years. This is a tough game to handicap. Read the last Super Bowl betting news and odds here as Denver seems to be pretty set as a 2.5 point favorite which is usually Vegas code for "we have no idea".  Let’s look at the standings for our NFL Playoffs Contest. Remember, RIBS are on the line (and we have new leaders):

7-3: Andrew B and Damman
6-4: Seal, Larry, and Cakes/Dut (WTF?)
5-5: G$, Grumpy, JSaul, Mr. Ace, NC Nate, Jeff, Prime, Randall Stevens, Drew, MUDawg, Ide, and J from JBeanie
4-6: Buke (uh oh…better blame the dry heat)

Remember that this pick is worth two points and let's add a tie-breaker as well. How about...combined receiving yards of Wes Welker and Eric Decker who lead this game in grit (closest wins; if somehow you are equally close, Price is Right rules apply where low man is victorious). We have 4 guys and two queers that could win this. DO WORK DOGGIES! Now let's get to MY 15 POINT SYSTEM:

Still owns a flip phone...GUARANSHEED
QB - Ugh.  This is ESPN's freaking dream. Two nice guys that will never turn down an opportunity to give a fluff interview. I will forever scream that Rusty sucks and RG3 will always be superior. Peyton is a full touchdown better OBVZ. Broncos +6

RB – While I fully support Knowshon’s commitment to Francis Scott Key and America via his huge tears, Beast Mode is too ELITE to ignore. He takes the points here because Skittles are delicious and I love how mad old white men get that he won’t talk to them. Seahawks +2

WR/TE – I owned Golden Tate in two leagues this year (I have a problem) and he is the worst. Percy Harvin MIGHT play but who cares because he’s just going to get hurt again anyway. Doug Baldwin might be the whitest name ever for a black guy. You can say a lot of things about Denver’s receiving corps but they do have way more grit and scrap. Broncos +3

OL – This is always a tough category to dish out points for. It seems like Denver has all Texas Tech alums on their OL and that can’t be good because the Red Raiders are irrelevant. Giacomini is a fun name to say so Seattle gets the points. Seahawks +1

DL – Denver would have lost a lot in this had awful human being, Von Miller, not gotten hurt. And I love men who are nicknamed after ELITE meals. Pot Roast is my guy! But yeah, Seattle’s DL is terrific and I am happy for Cliff Avril for having escaped Detroit while he still could. Seahawks +2

LB – This is why I get paid the big bucks, folks, as I can only name one of the six starting LBs in the Super Bowl. Bobby Wagner gets the points! Seahawks +2

DB – I hate Richard Sherman. I love Champ Bailey. That cat deserves to win a ring as he has been one of the best DBs in the league forever. The Skins should have never traded him (even though I will always love Sheriff Gonna Getcha). But we know who the better unit is here so I must set my feelings aside. Seahawks +5

K/P – Prater and Hauschka both had great seasons but neither one kicks straight on field goals like a REAL MAN. I’ll give Prater a point for tying the record for longest FG this season but I’m not happy doing it. Broncos +1

Return Game – Trindon Holiday seems to always break one big return and I assume that it will happen again. I already mentioned how terrible Golden Tate is. And they won’t put Harvin back there because he might have an upset stomach. Broncos +2

Coach – I am very much not a fan of Pete Carroll but I trust him a hell of a lot more than I do John Fox who is so conservative that he makes Burke look like Ed Begley Jr. Count it! Even when you look at the coordinators, other teams wanted Bevell and Quinn way more than they did Gase and Del Rio. Seahawks +2

City – I have been to both places and they are each fantastic areas of America. I guess if I had to choose to live in either city, I would pick Denver because they have hockey/basketball and FUCK ROBINSON CANO. Denver +2

Fans – I just learned a few weeks ago that when the other QB throws a pass that goes wanting, the fans chant IN-COM-PLETE at Mile High or whatever it’s called now. That’s stupid. Speaking of stupid, The 12th Man! I hate Seahawks fans. HATE THEM. Kempton 22 much? Broncos +3
My penis is this...WIDE!

Celebrity Fans – Holy shit. I’m asking myself to choose between Macklemore and 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year Rob Ford? Macklemore is an embarrassment to all of mankind. Rob Ford is a king among men. Broncos +4

Organization – It basically comes down to “do I like John Elway” versus “do you like your iPhone”. I like my iPhone way more than a guy who made a living destroying the hopes and dreams of the Browns. Seahawks +3

Against The Spread – These two teams were almost a carbon copy against the number this season. The Seahawks were 12-6 while Denver was 11-6-1. These teams did most of their covering at home though. The fun FACT is that both squadrons have gone UNDER the number in their last FOUR games. That’s a nice trend and fits into my narrative of TAKE THE UNDER IN THIS GAME. Seahawks +1

Before we add it up, 75% of the public bets are going to Denver and that is scary because the public is dumb and bets with their heart more than they should. Two weeks ago, I said that I was leaning Denver -2.5. Now…I’m not so sure. The #1 defense facing the #1 offense in less than ideal conditions seems like it might be a bad play to bet on the firepower. Prediction Machine, which ran 50K simulations of the game, likes Seattle to win outright. They have nailed the winner in 9 of the 10 Super Bowls that they’ve done this. It all comes down to Russell Wilson. If he is just a little bit better than average, Seattle is going to win. If not, they lose. It’s that simple. So let’s add up my numbers and see what THE SYSTEM thinks:

(bleep bloop bleep)

Well, I’ve got Denver beating Seattle 21-18. Like I said, I’m not sure that I agree with this but, as ESPN tells us, NUMBERS NEVER LIE. I haven’t dove into the props much like I usually do, but I think you would be safe going UNDER on all the receivers. ALL of them. Sure, you’ll lose one or two, but I bet that you win 5-6. If Denver wins, Peyton is the surefire MVP. Should Seattle pull the upset, BEEF MOE is a good bet. So for my contest entry, I’ve got Denver and put me down for a tiebreaker of 112 combined Decker/Welker yards receiving. Enjoy the game on Sunday.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

An ACEterview: Flying J Jimmy Haslam & A Stone Cold Stunner

Bouncing Tits (18 gifs)
Titty balls are back too. Hooray!

Yes, gentlemen and gentlemen lovers, Mr. Ace is back to give you a weekly dose of #ELITE at The Money Shot. Mr. Ace, the guy who gave you fantastic reads like these;

An ACEterview: The Wrath of Tebow
May The Forcier Be With You
An Interview From Hell...Literally
and many more to come.

 Now for what you all came here for... An ACEterview!

I have been keeping close tabs on the Browns coaching search because, as most of you may be unaware of, I am also a train crash aficionado. Ol' Flying J Jimmy Haslam sat down with me to discuss his coaching search and the candidate they eventually settled on.

Jimmy Haslam: Ace, great to finally meet you. I like to surround myself with people with reputations as prestigious as your own.
ME: 9 inches of fun, Jimmy.
JH: What?
ME: Huh? Why do you reek of formaldehyde and whiskey?
JH: That's how we do it down in Tennessee, boy. Meth and Fireball's with every meal.
ME: The Browns strike me as a very pro-Meth and Fireball franchise.
JH: Only second to Pittsburgh.

ME: So the Cleveland Browns, eh? How can you possibly make this franchise worse?
JH: I've already removed some of the treatment equipment. I'll probably have the hot water turned off at some point during the season. I'll take away the private jet and start to make them ride the bus. Then I'll--
ME: The fuck? You're just going to recreate the plot from Major League? You should totes do that. That would be so Cleveland.
JH: Exactly. Anal beads will be sponsoring our touchdowns in no time.
ME: Because Cleveland fans love taking it in the ass! I get it. Man, I hope that isn't just the drugs talking.

ME: So I'm just going to throw out the names of some coaches you were interested in for the Browns head coaching job, tell me what comes to your mind.
JH: Shoot.
ME: How about the guy you got rid of? Rob Chudzinski.
JH: He called himself Chud. FUCKING CHUD! "Chud no like quarterbacks. Chud no like truckstops. Chud much like Trent black dong. Chud no like giving sticky massages." He had to go.
ME: Adam Gase.
JH: He opened up his playbook and every sheet had very detailed drawings of Peyton Manning's cock.
ME: Josh McDaniels.
JH: We weren't interested in him. We just wanted to bring him in and laugh at him while we watched every Tim Tebow snap on film.
ME: Mike Munchak.
JH: Way too good of a coach for a Cleveland sports team.
ME: Tony Dungy.
JH: Is a colored. I love how he killed his son, though.

ME: So what made you settle on Mike Pettine? He has literally never been considered a head coaching candidate by any other team.
JH: That fucking guy. "I'm a winner. I create winners. I can get this team to the top." Those words really came out of his mouth. About the Cleveland Browns. What a fucking--
(Glass Shatters)

ME: Mother. Of. God.
Mike Pettine: I know I didn't hear this silver spoon having, money laundering, employee scamming mother fucker talking about the toughest SOB on the planet.
JH: Mike, of course not.
JH: I was just telling Ace here about how impressive you were as a candidate.
MP: Mr. Ace, if you think I should drop kick this piece of shit all the way back to the truckstop bathroom stall that he was conceived in, gimme a hell yeah.
JH: Calm down, dammit. I'll send you right back to that shit hole you came from.
MP: You know what, you're right. I'm truly thankful for this opportunity you have given me. (Extends a handshake to Jimmy).
JH: As you fucking should be. (Reaches out to shake hand).

Pettine tried to ask me questions about what Haslam was saying about him, but I could only stand there in awe of this magnificent man. He fake ejaculated beer foam all over me. The Texas Rattlesnake is back and he is patrolling the sidelines of the worst NFL franchise. Congratulations, Browns fans, you've found a keeper. At least until next year when Kliff Kingsbury grows his hair out and reveals himself as HBK. Until then, expect cans of whoop ass to be flying off shelves in the Cleveland area.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Legacy Will Live On

Strong parenting TAEK, Thriller!
Last week around this time, Seal (AKA The Guy That Cuts Down Nets) announced to the world that he was going to be a dad. That’s terrific news. We all hate Seal equally around here (except for me, I TOTES heart the guy) but most of us are decent enough to set aside our internet emotions to wish our own the best in their non-internet, non-sports fan lives. With that said, let’s go back and review a quote from last month:

They were as happy as your wife's parents are that she hasn't procreated with you.—Drew (2013 CotY) 12/27/2013

Well, guess what, Dick Drooler, YOU LOSE! Bend over, Seal, because here comes Big Pimpin’! If you subscribe to my Facebook feed then you already know this but I must make it official here, too. That’s right, She$ and I are expecting our first sometime in late July. DEAL WITH IT.

How about THAT for some fucking BREAKING NEWS, BRAH! Of course, I’ve got a few amusing stories from dealing with a wife that is 3+ months pregnant with my child.

*She$ has the worst morning sickness ever. I mean, EVER. I wake up every morning to her painting the toilet with vomit and tears. I feel bad for her because, you know, I did that to her but I’m the one who has to listen to that heaving every day amirite bro! She does seem to have it somewhat contained to just the morning now, as opposed to all day like the first few months. Have you ever lived with someone who is sick for three months straight? NOT FUN.

*I’m doing everything around the house now. As I should because apparently, almost anything can make She$ nauseous. At first, I didn’t mind it but it is really starting to get on my nerves. Yeah, that sounds selfish and I get that but WHAT ABOUT ME!!! I do all the grocery shopping now which is fine because I have discovered great things like Velveeta cheesy hash browns and Marie Callendar’s chicken corn chowder pot pie (ELITE). She says that even walking into the grocery store would make her barf so I keep inviting her because I would love to watch my wife hurl all over the produce section and then not clean it up. She can’t cook for the same reason as above which leads to great situations like “can you Foreman those Hebrew National hot dogs?” (I only buy the best and those are THE BEST) only for her to come downstairs and be repulsed because the house smells like hot dogs. MAKES SENSE! I also have to pack her lunch every day. Ever pack a sack lunch for a 33 year old woman? Didn’t think so. She tries her best, I’ll give her that, and she tries not to push me too much (will not give her that) but it’s still frustrating. She’s probably faking it now just to watch me suffer. As I tell her almost daily, I am pretty much her slave at this point. I better get some reparations once this kid shows up. In conclusion on this topic, morning sickness is no joke. You may think that this paragraph is harsh and will get me in trouble (and it probably will) but I’m not worried. The only torture that she has not inflicted on me yet is puking in my face.

*We had to go to the ER already. It was the Saturday in between CHRISTmas and NYE and I was at the casino playing blackjack with Rune when I got a text from She$ that she couldn’t move without vomiting, held no food down, and was contemplating going to the ER. I was already on my fifth G$weiser at that point but decided that my spawn was more important than my millions (the table just started getting hot!) or my buzz. But I stood in line for 30 minutes to cash out my chips anyway because I’m a smart person. I got home and she said that she was going to try to suck it up. I fell asleep with a nice buzz only to be awaken an hour later saying that I needed to drive her to the ER. This is at 2 AM. It was then that I saw the sonogram image of my future child…still a little drunk…and having no idea what I was looking at. Name something more awesome than seeing your kid for the first time with a heavy booze cloud hanging over you! YOU CAN NOT. This is why I get paid the big bucks. The ER Doc walked away and I said something awesome to the wife like, “it looked like a cat’s head”. She was impressed with my stupidity but not impressed with my Anheuser breath. They gave her two IVs and sent us home at 7 am. That was a shitty night.

*Calling your pregnant wife “Octomom” or Kate Gosselin will never not be funny to me.  Most people say that you should be nice to your baby mama.  I disagree.  I believe the exact opposite.  In FACT, I can't wait to have the smallest gut in the house.

*I have no idea what I’m doing or what to expect. I don’t plan on reading any books about what I should or shouldn’t do when it comes to parenting. I feel like I’m ELITE enough to go in blind. And since that will never work, it will give her a chance to make up for how crappy the pregnancy months were for me! LULZ!

*We can find out what we’re having on March 6th. I want to know. She is unsure. I don’t know why. We have so little control over what is happening and what to do; I would love to have at least one certainty. Early prediction for names...Boy = Macho Man; Girl = Miss Elizabeth.  There will be a name post in the future so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.  This life-changing event is bound to give many HOT TAEKS.

So that’s where we stand. G$ is going to be a father for the first time. If I have seemed a little short-tempered at all recently, it is because I have a lot on my plate these days and that plate features no succulent ribs. I have to give She$ a lot of credit—this hasn’t been easy on her at all but it’s about the end game. No one gives a shit how you got there. I guess that I’m just jealous that she is logging more couch time than me while I’m out walking the dog or doing the dishes. There you go. Now you’re up to speed. In less than six months, I will have my own clone to share my vast fantasy football knowledge with. One thing is certain: I plan on making a TON of mistakes! YAY! BABY! By the way, RibFest is now a Diaper Party. J/K…or am I?

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Super Bowl Saturday??

Cakes' version of porn.

God, I fucking hate the Grammys.  It's the worst collection of people giving out awards for the worst collection of songs.  It's just straight pollution from top to bottom.  And then on top of all of the wretched songs, you have all these artists trying to fucking out-weird each other.  I happened to catch a few minutes of this bullshit Sunday night since my wife is a God damn sucker for the worst shows on TV.  I just don't understand.  Why was Pharrell wearing Smokey the Bear's hat?  Why were two guys dressed up like robots?  Why do all of these people doing live performances all look like they're squeezing out a shit that's ripping butthole skin while singing?  It's times like these I'm glad I don't listen to any of this trash.  Popular music can get fucked forever.  Moving on.

Since this is Super Bowl week that's what we're gonna do.  Talk Super Bowl.  I know G$ has his annual Super Bowl prediction coming sometime this week so I'll try not to step on any blogging toes today.

A lot of discussion has been going on with this whole outdoor Super Bowl situation and I'm curious how everyone else feels about it.  Personally I think the Super Bowl should be a dome game/warm weather climate game every single year.  This is why:  The NFL has made it pretty damn clear that their brand is a business first before a game.  A business's top goal, over everything else, is to make money, right?  And if that's the way they want to handle shit, then so be it.  But if the NFL is going to be a business first, then they need to make smart business decisions and keep the people putting dollars in their pocket happy.

By having the Super Bowl in an outdoor weather stadium, the league runs the risk of Mother Nature taking a greasy white dump directly on everything in a 100 plus mile radius.  And it sounds like that's exactly what's in store for this Sunday.  I'm fairly certain the last forecast report I saw called for a fuck ton of snow.  Exact wording, actually.  Not to get all Cowherd and ratings on you, but people will shut off a game that is boring as fuck.  Even if it's the game that will decide a champion.  It's just how we are.  We want to be entertained and we want to be entertained now.

There is also word circulating that the NFL is considering moving the day/time of the game because of said severe weather conditions.  WUT??  I haven't heard anything recently about a definitive yes or no to this idea or when the final decision will be made...but what an absolutely offensive contingency plan.  Never before have I seen a business piss in the face of it's consumers more with fewer repercussions.  But we just keep coming back for more with our mouths wide open walking blindly into the stream.  But for how much longer will the public allow themselves to be disrespected like this?  How many fans (dollars to the NFL) does the league lose by making this call?  Again...a bad business move in my opinion.  It's similar to McDonald's calling everyone a fat fuck on the way out the door essentially daring them to not come back.  The only difference is there are plenty more fast food places for us to get obese at.  There's only one NFL and they play that card like a fucking pro.

This is precisely why outdoor stadiums in cold weather climates should never be considered.  Mother Nature is a dirty turbo slut who is more unpredictable than an actual woman.  Cakes can tell you all about it if you have literally nothing else to do and 6 hours to kill.  If the NFL does move the day of this game, how many people are they completely fucking over?  The people who have parties planned and took work off Monday aren't even the ones that the NFL will have to worry about.  Let's say the NFL moves the game up one day to Saturday or one day back to Monday.  How fucking cheesed is the guy who has tickets to the game AND now has a useless $200 hotel reservation for Sunday night that he can't move or get his money back for?  What about the guy with a $800 non refundable/non transferable plane ticket?  Do you think he's the only one?  Nope.

There is nothing smart about having the Super Bowl anywhere but a dome/warm weather and it all could have been avoided.  People already invest a ton of their money into the Super Bowl, whether it be with their own party or actually attending the game.  Now the NFL is asking people to spend MORE of their money to fix the problems the league created on top of being incredibly inconvenienced.  All because the NFL thought it was a neat idea to have the Super Bowl in a place that snows a lot in February.  Good call, guys.  Why even take that chance with the consumers?  They're just buttfucking the golden goose for absolutely no reason.  WE are the reason the NFL is so successful, right?  Without us caring so passionately about people we've never met and probably never will meet, the NFL is closer to the NHL, right?  One of these days people are going to get fed up with the bullshit and Goodell & Co. will be left holding each others dicks.  The NFL needs to start making more decisions based on what consumers want or us consumers need to stop spending so much money on a business that doesn't really have our best interest in mind.  Unfortunately until we stop blindly handing them wads of our cash, the NFL will have us by the balls with a free pass to whatever the fuck they please.  Like moving the Super Bowl.

Also, feel free to discuss Michigan being first in the Big 10 and Ide losing a rib bet.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Warm Thoughts On This Cold Day

This is terrifying.
I don't know about the rest of you poops, but I can't remember a colder, whiter month than the one that we are currently not enjoying.  Even you weirdos who "love snow" have to be getting sick and tired of the negative wind chills and monster snow drifts that appear to be never-ending.  It is really annoying.  We were watching my parents' dog for the last week and going for long walks in this crap has been downright terrible.  It's time for some warmth again.  And since we're going to have to wait for that to happen, maybe if we focus on pitchers and catchers reporting, it will bring along some good vibes. 

I've got my first umpire's meeting tonight and my dad just got back from a week of umpiring down at Yankees Fantasy Camp (brought me back an autographed Shane Spencer baseball which is my second autographed Shane Spencer baseball so, you know, my retirement is taken care of).  I'm ready for some baseball.  Why?  Because baseball season means no more shoveling snow and I want that immediately.  So today, I'm going to take a look at our favorite baseball teams and address what I've liked, what I've not liked, and what work is left to do before Spring Training starts.

Boston Red Sox:
Like - Re-signing Mike Napoli was a must and made all the sense in the world for what he did last season.  I also kind of like the move to sign Grady Sizemore.  Why not?  I might not have given him a major league deal, but if his injuries are behind him, well, they aren't but whatever.
Don' Like - AJ Pierzynski replacing Salty is a mistake.  It is a big mistake.
Work Left - Bolstering the bullpen.  They got a lot of mileage out of Tazawa and Uehara but I don't know if you can count on that for the long haul.

Atlanta Braves:
Like - Letting the veteran pitchers walk.  Tim Hudson left for SF and Paul Maholm is moving on.  The Braves have enough young arms that there is no reason to overpay old guys with diminishing stuff.
Don't Like - Allowing McCann to leave.  It was inevitable but it will still hurt.  Filling his big bat with a combo of Gerald Laird and Ryan Doumit isn't going to work.  Plus, Evan Gattis isn't going to hit like he did in 2013.
Work Left - Buying out Dan Uggla.  He can't play.  He hasn't been able to for years.  For as bad as BJ Upton is, at least they have players to put in when he is one of his many funks. They don't have that luxury with Uggla.  They need to fix that.

Cincinnati Reds:
Like - That they didn't overreact (yet) and make an unnecessary trade.  The window is closing with this group as currently constructed so if they want to make a run in 2014, they can't deal Phillips or Bailey.  Homer is out after this season but they can still benefit from a monster contract year out of him (or at least they hope).
Don't Like - What they have in CF.  Billy Hamilton probably isn't ready yet even though he is the Usain Bolt of baseball.  He probably can't hit enough.  The Reds lost Choo but don't seem to have a back-up plan.  Chris Heisey is not a viable back-up plan.
Work Left - They need some sort of RH platoon CF even if it is somebody like Reed Johnson.

Chicago White Sox:
N/A as this team is ALL IN on a monster rebuild that has been a long time coming.  I really like them flipping Addison Reed for former RedHawks CF Adam Eaton.  There is no point in having a good, young closer if you are going to lose 90+ games for at least the next three years.

Detroit Tigers:
Like - Signing Joe Nathan.  Even when the Tigers got fluke seasons out of Todd Jones and Papa Nachos Bell Grande, you knew that it wasn't going to last.  They have never had a rock solid closer.  Now they do...which I do not care for.
Don't Like - Losing out on Choo.  The Fielder and Fister dumps were supposed to pave the way for Choo.  Yet, they lost out on him.  I'm not sure how much longer Hunter can still mash as he enters his age 39 season.  And now LF is being anchored by a horrible combination of Steve Lombardozzi, Rajai Davis, Andy Dirks, and I think that Don Kelly is still around.  That's not good.
Work Left - You need a back-up option for 3B.  I keep hearing that some good young guy is poised to take over but the Indians once thought the same with Andy Marte.  Be prepared for disappointment and have a contingency plan.  Might want to pluck Placido Polanco off the scrap heap as insurance.  Or...BRING BACK INGE!

Chicago Cubs:
Like - That they avoided past mistakes.  They came close to doing it again when they went bananas after Tanaka, but losing him is a blessing.  Don't commit big money to guys while you are in full blown tank mode.  Although a 25 year old ace would have been nice, it wasn't the right play at the right time for Theo.
Don't Like - Honestly, I don't hate anything.  They are letting the young guys play.  I am pretty excited to see the one guy that the Yankees wanted and lost out on, Cuban OF Jorge Soler.
Work Left: The Cubs have two OFs on their 40 man scheduled to make more than the league minimum.  Yeah, they could use a guy or two out there.  But stick to the plan and build around Rizzo, Castro, Soler, and Mike Olt.  It's going to get worse before it gets better but at least there is a plan in place now.

Cleveland Indians:
Like - John Axford as the new (likely) closer.  That's a nice upgrade over Chris Perez and his pot dog.  This also allows the returning arms to go back into their familiar roles.  Hopefully, Pestano remembers how to pitch this season since his 2013 was horrendous.
Don't Like - Back to the scrap heap.  The Tribe attacked free agency in 2013 but have done virtually nothing this winter.  That's not good.  We know that the franchise operates under cap restraints, but they need to keep moving forward.  The 2013 team caught a lot of breaks so you have to expect a return to the mean in 2014.  That is why a roster upgrade, somewhere, has to happen.
Work Left - Re-sign Ubaldo.  He wants 100 million.  He isn't going to get that.  See if he wants to do one year for 18-20 million and then he can go out again next winter.  That also allows the team to either make a run this year or trade him at the deadline.

New York Yankees
Like - It's a brand new team!  You've got to admit, the new lineup is very intriguing.  I love the shift from bombing the short RF porch to speed and defense.  Ellsbury, Jeter, Beltran, Soriano, Teix, McCann, K. Johnson?, Roberts?, and Gardner...that's pretty damn good.  They better fucking stay healthy.  And the pitching staff looks pretty good as well.  I'm going to like these guys.
Don't Like - All of this change yet nothing done in the bullpen.  Robertson should be fine as closer but I have no idea how we're going to get to him.  It seems like we're counting on 7 innings every game from the starter.
Work Left -  ARMS.  I wanted them to sign Balfour to be insurance like when we signed Soriano.  He went to Tampa instead.  I'm not too worried about it though because now that 189 is out the window, money is no issue at all.

There we go; a little baseball talk to get us into a warmer state of mind.  Now get outside and shovel your fucking sidewalk.  Taking care of your driveway is great but the sidewalk is more important.  Never forget that.  It's OK if you slip on the ice on your driveway.  It is mos def NOT OK if someone else slips and falls on your sidewalk.  And don't use salt.  It's bad for dog paws and dogs are the most important group in America.  GO YANKEES!

Friday, January 24, 2014

Big BRAHther Always Knows Best

Atherton, CA is a quiet, peaceful town located a short distance outside of San Francisco. However, the upper class area was recently hit with one of the worst natural disasters the likes of which no resident had ever seen. The bay area suffered through a terrible earthquake in October, but the locals state this was one million times worse. There is ash in the air. Five days later, houses are still aflame. It almost appears as though homes had been picked up off of their foundations and thrown into their neighbor’s property. It is a bizarre scene indeed. No one quite knows what happened, but they have a good idea who is responsible for it. We check in on that “good idea” today.

Sarah: Honey, it’s me. Can you please come out of the basement? You’ve been locked down there ever since you got back and you are starting to scare our six children (ed. note: poor kids).


Sarah: But, baby, there are people here to see you. They say that they have a delivery of khaki pants that need your signature.

(the old hermit crawls up out of the basement appearing to have aged 40 years over the last 5 days)


Shut-In: What is this? Who are these people? Do I know any of you?

Sarah: OH SNAP! I got you good, you limp-dick fuck! Welcome to your surprise 50th birthday party!

Jim Harbaugh: But my birthday is December 23rd, sugar tits.

Sarah: I know that but we haven’t seen you at all in 5 months so we are celebrating it today and, more importantly, trying to shake you out of your depressed stupor. Now go upstairs and clean yourself up.

(Jim cold cocks Sarah in front of the entire party…that is the last we will be seeing or hearing from her today…Jim returns 10 seconds later looking like his old self again WITH RED PEN NECKLACE…ejaculates on the face of his unconscious wife)

Jim: I don’t know what my WHORE second wife told you all, but I am still in no mood to celebrate or smile or even ice if you can believe that. I want you all to leave NOW.

(a familiar figure cloaked in all white slowly walks toward Jim…the mystery man with the KKK outfit punches the birthday boy in the nuts)


Jim: It’s always nice to see my asshole brother but I really don’t want to do this. Last Sunday took its toll on my soul and I had a bad heart to begin with. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. You saw what I did to Sarah just now—

John: It was ELITE. I am so proud of you. Hell, Joe Flacco is proud of you for doing that and he eats Mighty Wings!

Jim: Yeah, well, two weeks ago that punch would have put her into a coma. Now I’m so weak and fragile that she will be conscious again sometime Tuesday. I am not myself.

John: Here. Drink this. This will snap you out of your faggy funk.

(takes big pull from unmarked jug…immediately hurls on all the guests)

Jim: What is this shit?

John: Oh, just a little something I like to call HALOTI NGATA’S DIARRHEA AND PINEAPPLE JUICE! You need to snap out of this ASAP, Bro-lt McCoy (was not invited). There’s a reason why no one else in the family wanted to come today. Mom and Dad are tired of explaining to the neighbors why they have a winner and a loser for sons. Joani is being a cunt somewhere.

Tom Crean: Hi brothers! Happy belated birthday, Jim! I got you a CRIMSON & CREAN t-shirt! Get it?


(Crean turns around to leave—huge mistake—Jim cuts through his spine with one of the thousand machetes he has lying around the house)

Jim: Fuck that guy. Well, if these assholes aren’t going to leave even after witnessing another savage episode of domestic BRAHlence, let’s go around and talk to everyone.

John: GREAT! You know Steve Young.

Jim: Thanks for coming. You already set the world record for longest time that a Mormon pig fucker has been in my house. Now get out.

John: Hey Vernon, how’s that big black rattlesnake hanging!


John: This is getting to be a lot of fun for me. Alex Smith! How the hell are you?

Jim: What the fuck are all these Mormons doing here? Alex, I made a huge mistake. My heart and head said white but my balls said black. I should have stuck with you. We’d be polishing trophies and each other’s knobs right now. I’m truly sorry.

(John rips out Smith’s still beating heart)

John: A BRAH never apologizes to anyone. You should know better. What would dad say if he heard about this?

Jim: Who the fuck parked their Escalade in my pool!!!

Aldon Smith: That was me, coach. Mrs. Johnson’s first grade class said that I couldn’t park on top of them anymore. Coach, do you know where I can get more sizzurp?

(the brothers make their way around the guests; barely noticing any of them…Crabtree is bawling in the corner, Hitner is spearing lawn statues, Alex Boone is lifting Smith’s car out of the pool and it lands on Frank Gore’s monster dong, Barry Zito is there for some reason, Total Recall is playing music that everyone hates)

Jim: Hey, faggot, do we have any food here? I haven’t eaten shit since I went down in the basement five days ago.

John: I’m glad that you asked, turd breath. Haloti, show my bro what you’ve got cooking for this luau!

(Ngata removes banana leaves to show a roasted Pete Carroll, cooked to perfection…you can see Jim’s erection growing and growing until his zipper breaks and pokes Ngata in the gut)

Jim: I love you, brother.

Randy Quaid: Save the neck for me, John!

John: Jim, I know that it is tough on you to constantly fail and disappoint the family, yourself, me, and all of BRAH NATION. But you need to come back to us. In times like these, I like to harken back to words that I just made up: “if you can’t beat him, eat him”. So it’s time for you to eat Pete Carroll and get your groove back.

(Jim happily obliges and is knee deep in a leg within seconds)

Jim: This is fantastic. Hey! Give me some more of that diarrhea juice!

John: I knew that you would love it.

Jim: But what about Sherman? He needs to feel my wrath.

John: Don’t you worry about that THUG. I called in a few favors.

(Ray Lewis boards flight to Seattle)

Jim: Wait, usually when I start eating cooked human being, the Feds storm in. What gives?

John: I called in an anonymous tip of heavy gang and cartel activity over at Kaepernick’s house. One look at him and they’ll busy for a coon’s age.
Jim: You thought of everything, BRAH. Thank you.

John: Don’t mention it, dick queef. We’ve all been there. Now let me suck the juices out of Pete’s head.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

G$ Ranks The Best College Hoops Coaches In The Country

Christ, not another fucking list from this guy
I’m sure that I have said this before but I believe that coaching in college basketball means more to a team’s success than any other sport/league. If you have a mental defective like Bruce Weber running the show, then you’re going to always underachieve. When you have a Brad Stevens at the helm, you make the championship game in back-to-back years as a mid-major. There is a reason why the same guys are swapping national titles despite losing studs after one year all the time: they get the most out of what they have and they know how to lead.

As we patiently await a fifth straight Ohio Buckeyes loss tonight (I believe in you, John Groce!), I thought that I would spend today ranking the ten best college basketball coaches in America. Now, this is not about who recruits the best or who wins the most. This is way more biased than that, BRAH! The way that I am judging this list is by saying that if I gave all of these guys the exact same roster, who do I believe would coach them up the best/get the most out of them. And you lose points if you constantly look confused or are a lunatic on the bench. I demand poise from my coaches! There are some mega monster names omitted from this list so that should lead to some ELITE debate.

G$’s Ten Best College Basketball Coaches in America
10. Jim Boeheim – respect a man who gets caught on camera picking his nose EVERY game
9. John Calipari – Life would have been so much more enjoyable had this dirtbag never won a title…but he did so I have to show a little bit of respect to the guy who made the Dribble Drive Motion offense popular
8. Jay Wright
7. Billy Donovan
6. Shaka Smart – This will certainly piss some people off but he is a superstar
5. Sean Miller
4. Mike Krzyzewski
3. Tom Izzo
2. Bo Ryan – Love him or—well, almost everyone hates him—he is a great coach and gets the most out of every Klansman that shows up in his gym
1. Rick Pitino – No brainer one else comes close

No Bill Self. No Thad Matta. No Roy Williams. Not even a Crean Pie! Hell, I didn’t even want to include #10 since he doesn’t coach defense but he does seem to be getting better with age. This should spark some interesting arguments today. No doubt about that. And yes, I actually don’t think that Thad is a top ten coach and this is not an attempt to troll you Ohio fans. DEAL WITH IT.

Mr. Ace re-debuts one week from today. Never forget. THE ANIMAL—whoops, I mean THE JUICE CLEANSE IS BACK.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Where "It Gets Better" Does Not Exist

I bait my hook with queers.
Before we get into the big site news today, I want to take this post to a place that it does not normally go: Eastern Europe! The Winter Olympics start in two weeks or so over in Sochi, Russia and, while most of you don’t probably care, there are HOT TAKES to still be had. I won’t watch any of the skiing or skating or any of that Shaun White nonsense, but I will watch the shit out of Olympic hockey. Man, that is so great. I can still picture Zach Parise’s game-tying goal late in the gold medal game’s third period from four years ago. Since I no longer care about Rick Nash anymore, I will be rooting hard against the Canadians as you all should. I’d love to see a USA/Russia Final with the Americans taking on BOB for the gold. That would be ELITE. I would probably root for the Soviets since the Americans are stupidly void of Jackets.

Anyway, enough about national hockey pride. Let’s talk about human rights issues. Now, I’m not the most well-versed on the whole controversy about this set of Games, but the gist of it is that Russia (and Vladimir Putin especially) doesn’t care much for the gays and don’t really want them around. Well, in this day in age, everyone has to love and respect everyone else equally so people are outraged by this stance. Putin has backed off a bit on his anti-homo hard line but now he wants all the gay athletes participating to (and you can’t make this up) stay away from the children as to not influence them. This is just terrific. This is Duck Dynasty but with gazpacho.

Here’s my one bit advice to all of our American athletes (and others) heading over to the former Soviet Union: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Or, to be more polite, GIVE IT A REST. You are going over there to represent your country in athletic competition. You are not there to foster change and force your own open ideologies onto another country. You are going to be there for two weeks and then you won’t return ever again. Stop demanding others to share your beliefs. We all get that their line of thinking is backwards and dated. But they don’t and they aren’t going to re-think their life based on the picket signs from Mary Pit-Hair. This is how their country works. Some raging American bull-dyke isn’t going to change their minds. So knock it off. Try to win your medal, come back home, and have as many same sex make-out parties as you want.

Never forget where you are going and why you are there. This is a place known for genocide and killing their own for barely any excuse. What do you think that they might do to someone who is constantly criticizing their way of life. For God’s sake, Putin stole Bob Kraft’s Super Bowl ring and won’t give it back! So while many of us admire the STREMPH of your convictions, you didn’t train your entire life to make a social impact on Russian society (that is falling on very deaf ears). You trained to be a champion and win the gold. Except for Sidney Crosby who aspires to win the gold medal for most holes stuffed by Russian dick (count it).

The Olympics are about competition and being the best in the world. They aren’t about making millions of comrades and ex-KGB all of a sudden yell “YES HOMO”. DEAL WITH IT. And FUCK YOU, Chris Kluwe. No one is listening to you anymore.

So how about that site news? Remember a few years ago when The Rock just randomly showed back up on Raw and it was great because no one knew about it? It was awesome because everyone likes The Rock and he had come back “home”. Well, I have reached an agreement for our own homecoming of sorts. Beginning on Thursday, January 30th, we will be re-joined by the one and only MR. ACE who has signed a very lucrative deal to take every Thursday from here until eternity! He is ready to come back (or so he says). And I am damn glad to take him back on staff. So starting next week, the rotation here will be $/RandySteve/$/Ace/$. That’s a good workflow and should keep things (and me) fresh.

Welcome back, Mr. Ace! Although I have a sneaky feeling that this comeback will be less The Rock and more Jordan on the Wizards. May The Forcier Be With Him...Always.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

NBA Mid Season Awards

Stephen Curry likes my NBA posts...

It's NBA time, shit stains!  No need to talk all things Dick Sherman again today since that is MOS DEF the hot topic still circulating.  I'm sure Sherman has gained about a billion new Twitter followers so, mission accomplished shit heel!  We haven't had a good NBA post here in awhile and with the season about half over, I figured now is the perfect time for some mid season awards.  SPOILER ALERT!  I nailed every last one of them.

Sixth Man of the Year - J.R. Smiff
Just kidding.  Nobody likes this fuck and for good reason.  Go die.

Real Sixth Man of the Year - Jamal Crawford
I almost considered Manu Ginobili but then I nut tagged myself and realized the only thing Ginobili deserves is a stern punch to the open anus.  Plus he starts some games and comes off the bench others, so who the fuck knows if he's even eligible.  I also considered Ryan Anderson and probably had him as the favorite before he nearly paralyzed himself a few weeks ago.  It doesn't sound like Anderson will be back any time soon, or at all, so Crawford gets it.

Most LOL Storyline - Andrew Bynum
Why teams continue to chance it with this guy is outside of my brain capacity.  Does every team front office guy forget this?

And this?

And this?

In a weird, sick and twisted way...I might actually miss Andrew Bynum when teams finally realize there is no such thing as low risk, high reward with this turd nugget.  He is the best worst guy in the league by far.

Best Derrick Rose impression - Rajon Rondo
Never been a big Rondo fan for obvious reasons.  He's a sour cunt bag who is just a prick for the sake of being a prick.  Classic Kentucky guy.  I get that there's no big rush to get back to a team that's a complete skid mark but stop it with the cryptic messages.  I'll be back this day....I mean this day....2,673,435 seconds.  Or whatever that weirdo tweet was the other day.  Nice to finally see you back on the court, princess.

Biggest Disappointment Player - Anthony Bennett
Ugh.  Turd soup.  Guys like Tyreke Evans, Anus Kanter, Josh Smiff and O.J. Mayo should be lining up to send Bennett thank you cards.  No matter how shitty any player has been this year, nothing has out shined the shittiness that is Anthony Bennett.  Nice #1 overall pick, Cavs.

Biggest Disappointment Team - Brooklyn Nets
This was easy.  So weird that a group of pussies and old guys don't live up to insanely lofty goals set by idiotic media barf bags before the season started.  There was no way this was ever going to work.  And so far it's not.  And I don't see it getting better, just worse.  One thing that I do know for a fact is that I get the hardest, veiniest boner over Kevin Garnett being miserable.  It's sports porn.  No way this team makes the playoffs.

Breakout Player Award - Andre Drummond
He still eats dick scabs at free throws.  And boy does he ever!  In complete honesty, it's about the only reason to tune into Piston games at all this year.  To LOL your balls off at Drummond's hilarious attempts at shooting a basketball while unguarded.  Well, that and Josh Smiff chucking up 30 footers at will.  But outside of the free throw woes, Drummond is an all out stud in only his second NBA season.  The ceiling on this guy is off the charts right now.  It's just too bad the Pistons won't be able to capitalize on such a great asset before he wants the fuck out of Detroit.

Congrats, You're Now a Super Star Award - Paul George
I remember watching this guy in the dunk contest a couple years back and thinking he'll never amount to anything more than Harold Minor.  BABY JORDAN!!  WHHHHHHHHHHHHHIFF on my part.  George is awesome and impossible to hate on a team that's pretty easy to hate.  Why do I hate the Pacers?  Well, first because I can never forget the Malice at the Palace.  And second, I guess I still detect a stench of Tyler Hansbrough when I watch the Pacers and that sours it for me.

Defensive Player of the Year - DeAndre Jordan
Board.  Block.  Dunk.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Jordan makes people look like silly little bitches when they step to his doormat.  And that doormat is 10 feet from the basket in any fucking direction.  Jordan is an absolute savage on defense.  Plus I will never forget how hard I laughed when he Arabian goggled Brandon Knight with the saltiest sack lunch this side of the Prime Meridian.  Jordan's face as Knight fucking peeled his corpse off the paint is one of those LULZ moments for the ages.  Here it is again in case you forgot how awesome it was.

Rookie of the Year:  Michael Carter Williams
This guy's name sounds like a Disney kid star bound for a sizzurp addiction.  MCW is hands down the rookie of the year at this point.  The only other guys close are Trey Burke Sick and Victor Oladipo.  Wanna read something funny?  G$'s assessment of MCW in the draft preview:

G$'s reaction: You turd burglar! I TOTES was going to stick this waste of space on the Pistons! This guy can't play. I saw it at the Final Four. Thus he is a perfect Seattle King.

Those are the kinds of assessments that get you to the blogging big leagues!  MCW > Kyrie Irving???

MVP - Kevin Love
Holy Shit.  I don't give a rats ass if the Timberwolves won't sniff the playoffs this year.  That shouldn't overshadow what Big Daddy Kev is doing this year.  Every time Love laces up the biscuits it's 25 and 13.  It's just a shame he's rotted away in Minnesota for 5 seasons and people don't get to watch him in action on the reg.  I really hope Big White finds his way to a big market team and gets the LOVE (HEYYY-OHHHHHH!!!)  he deserves.  It's just astonishing what he does on the court.

Favorite in the East - Pacers
It's gotta be the Pacers at this point.  They have more to prove than just about any team in the league and are playing like they're done being in Miami's shadow.  They look like they want it more and LeBron has already checked out for 2014 free agency.

Favorite in the West - Spurs
Only to troll them.  I'm hoping that in giving them such a high vote of confidence they will once again under perform when it matters.  At some point this team has to rebuild, right?  And wouldn't Spurs/Pacers be the most insanely boring Finals ever?  The basketball equivalent to missionary sex.  The 70 and over crowd would love it, I'm sure.  They still wouldn't approve of the amount of blacks on the court, though.

I know how much you all have missed NBA posts.  Especially Cakes.  So consider your thirst quenched.  If you need another NBA storyline to chew on in the comments, we can discuss LeBron's odd birthday message to his lover, Dwyane Wade.  We all know how LeBron likes to be all cryptic with shit and that message sure sounds to me like he's bolting after this season is over.  Where will he land?  LA?  Cleveland?  Dallas?  New York?  Does he stay in Miami?  My money is on Cleveland.  As much as I would hate for it to happen, I think he really does love that city and wants nothing more than to bring all those undeserving fans a championship.  The only good thing about LeBron back to Cleveland will be watching all of the spineless turd fans accepting him back with open arms after openly wishing death upon him a short 3 years ago.  And watching Gilbert be a complete bitch while taking LeBron back will be a nice prize in its own right.  That's my time.

Monday, January 20, 2014

The Worst of The Conference Championships Vol.VII

This is NOT ME.
Before we get into yesterday's NFL games, we need to CARRY THE FLAG first.  Now, I know what butters this site's bread and it isn't NHL talk.  I get that.  So when I can squeeze some thoughts into a post that needs an intro, I'm going to do it.  That being said, SIX IN A ROW!  8 SEED (going into Sunday)!  AHEAD OF DETROIT!  Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn, this team IS going to the playoffs as long as BOB stays healthy (best goalie on the planet).  There is no doubt in my mind.  We absolutely are one of the best teams in the Metro and the final standings will prove that.  The CBJ are legit.  What seemed like sort of a fluke last year is being validated in spades this season.  Hopefully, the injury bug doesn't pop it's stupid head up again and we can get ready for postseason hockey in Columbus.  Because goddamn I want that so bad.  This Jackets team is good.  The rest of the world is going to have to DEAL WITH IT.

Now that we're done talking about the hottest team in the league, let's get rolling with the football talk!  But first!

Not The Iron Sheik - Yes, I bought the Iron Sheik Alarm Clock app last week and I regret nothing.  There is not a finer way to start one's day than to have The Sheik screaming at you to get out of bed.  Best 99 cents that I've ever spent.  I AM THE LEGEND!  FUCK THE MONDAYS!

Guest Speakers - I didn't understand this story at all.  So the guest speech on Saturday for the Broncos was given by teammate Wes Welker?  How does he qualify as a guest speaker?  Dan Reeves would be a guest speaker.  A current player is not.  And what did Wes have to say anyway?  It was probably a commercial for Depends and Old Spice.  Pointless story.

Omaha! - Christ, this was about the most annoying thing ever.  CBS even had graphics for how many times Peyton said it during the first half.  He has been saying OMAHA at the line for over a decade.  OVER A DECADE.  This is not new.  I hate Omaha now.  Nuke Omaha.

Feel Seems - There is no one worse than ol' Feel.  I actually feel bad for Jeeeem.  He tried to telestrate  some receiver routes in the first half and wasn't even close which I found humorous.  Do you know anyone that likes Feel Seems?  I'd bet that you don't.

LeGarrette Blount - I said on Friday that if you are betting on NE, then you are betting on Blunt to dominate which would be a foolish decision.  He was awful.  He got benched in the second half.

Josh McDaniels - Browns fans, consider yourselves lucky (for once) because you just avoided hiring a guy that got dominated by Jack Fucking Del Rio.  The Patriots offense was garbage until garbage time and lacked any creativity.

John Fox - I have no idea what this guy is thinking about in the 2 minute drill when it is time to manage the clock.  Mark my words: he will screw something up in the Super Bowl.  Randomly leaving 30 seconds on the clock in the first half was just the beginning.

Pussies - It was 63 and sunny in Denver yesterday AKA a miracle.  I saw more than a few players wearing fucking sleeves.  When you wear sleeves, you are a bitch.  Period.  In my last ever football game (a heart-breaking 500-0 loss to the eventual state champions), it was something like -30 degrees that night.  I went sleeveless LIKE A MAN.  In FACT, everyone on DeSales told me how great I was.  True story.

Peyton Manning H8RZ - Not really.  This was not going to be the week considering that the weather was perfect and Talib hurt his terrorist bones in the first half.  This game was absolutely never in doubt.  Denver was always going to win.  We'll see how it goes in two weeks when the weather probably blows.  Until the Patriots get a deep threat, they're not true contenders.  LOL Aaron Dobson.

People that don't enjoy ELITE football games - Well, the NFC game did not disappoint.  That was just terrific even if I feel like the better team lost.  But it was a slugfest that came down to the end and the biggest asshole on the planet made a big play to seal it.

Gene Steratore and Crew - If all plays are reviewable then why can't you review all plays?  This makes no sense to me. There were three toss-up calls and all three of them went against the Niners.  That is fucking WEAK SAUCE.

Navorro Bowman - Poor guy...legs are not supposed to bend like that.  Congrats on holding on to the damn ball there.  FYI, I fucking HATE Seattle.

Vernon Davis - He did absolutely nothing.  Kaepernick wasn't that great once they stopped letting him run wild, either but VD no showed like a mug.

Pete Carroll - If you root for Seattle then you root for this man and NO ONE SHOULD ROOT FOR HIM.

Russell Wilson - This guy still sucks.  People like to rag on Brad Johnson and Trent Dilfer, and that's fine, but Rusty is in their class.  Like I said last week, ANYONE could do what he has done the last two weeks.  He'll get all the credit because he's an Uncle Tom and fat idiot writers like Peter King LOVE THAT, but the smart fan knows that he's garbage and Wilson is the least valuable player on that offense.  FACT.

Richard Sherman - Finally, this fucking guy. What a goddamn baboon.  It's because of this asshole that I don't entirely blame Riley Cooper for what he said.  If Sherman was at that concert, I would have been all about Riley fighting him.  What he pulled on Crabtree at the end was shit and his postgame interview was fucking dumb.  Sherman is an asshole.  His great talent is no excuse for celebrating like a (two quote South Park) slave that reached the north.  I swear that line isn't mine; it's from Trey and Matt!  

GAMBLING! - The public was all over the underdogs this week.  The public knows nothing.  I bet both favorites as well as DEN -3 1H and went 3-0.  S MY D.

So we have Denver and Seattle in the Super Bowl which you would probably assume is my worst case scenario since I hate Seattle and rag on Peyton all the time.  Fuck no.  I'm ALL IN on Denver.  I'll be goddamned if I ever root for Rusty OVERRATED, Dick Sherman, and Pete fucking Carroll.  I know that most of us all hate the constant Peyton fellatin', but this Super Bowl has a distinct face vs. heel dynamic.  Well, 27 years ago, I rooted for the Hulkster to beat Andre The Giant so I have no problem pulling for the good guy again.  Poor BRAH.  GO BRONCOS!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Sunday Should Be as ELITE as the NFL Gets

For some reason, Bruno Mars is not "Brunell, Mark"
Before we get into this week’s NFL Playoffs Preview and Picks, let’s take a moment to discuss the Super Bowl halftime show. I’ll be honest, when I heard that the NFL was bringing in Bruno Mars, I was fucking pumped because I just assumed that they misspelled Megadeth. Apparently, they did not and they are serious about this. She$ asked me about this guy since she is a hayseed and celebrates Sugarland’s entire catalog and I told her that I only knew one of his songs. So I started to poorly sing the song for her and it was that god awful Gnarls Barkley piece of shit instead. It was then that I realized one horrible truth: I am not the target demographic for halftime shows. In FACT, I haven’t been forever. And that makes me sad. Everyone else caters directly to the 33 year old white male…except for the Super Bowl. FUCK THAT. We’re in goddamn Jersey this year, why not throw Bon Jovi out there (but not Springsteen because he SUX)? Sure, he isn’t exactly the coolest cat around but I defy any man not to get pumped when Dead Or Alive starts. IMPOSSIBLE. Whatever, even though I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers (“I love red peppers!”—Jimmy Johnson), I will be spending halftime in two weeks doing one of my other passions instead. That would be either walking the dog or taking a dump. I'm sure that Twitter will let me know how bad it was.

We’re starting to get a little separation on the Playoffs Contest leaderboard (or not)! I also have finally determined what the big prize for the winner will be. At RibFest, ON MARCH 8TH, I will buy your dinner. You’re on your own for drinks but the ribs are on me. If you live too far away or are busy during RibFest, please don’t win this contest or we can come up with something else at a later date. The standings (with 3 to play):

5-3: Grumpy, Larry, JSaul, Mr. Ace, NC Nate, Jeff, Prime, Damman, and Andrew B
4-4: G$, Cakes/Dut (they are combining forces since each missed a week plus they are faggots together), Randall Stevens, Buke, and Drew
3-5: MUDawg, Ide (Turd), and J From JBeanie

The Super Bowl will be worth double. Why? Why the fuck not? If you think I made an error in the scoring (possible), let me know and I’ll take a look at it. Let’s make our picks.

New England @ Denver -5.5
Not much has been made of this game all week outside of EVERYTHING. Christ, the media overkill for Peyton/Brady XV is as cray cray as ever. Granted, these two guys deserve all the accolades and are unanimous hall of famers but it still comes off as a bit much. I’m looking forward to the NFC game way more. As we all remember, the Patriots won earlier this season with a dramatic second half comeback. Can it happen again? Never discount how lame John Fox and Peyton are in January. New England probably has to take a similar gameplan into Denver that they had against Indy meaning that they SHOULD try to run the shit out of the ball again and keep the other offense off the field. So, basically, this game boils down to Blunt and Ridley combining to be the MVP. That’s some risky business. Talib should do a good job on D.Thomas but the other weapons could run wild. I know that I’m going to regret this but I’m making the call anyway since the weather is supposed to be mild. Denver 30, New England 20.

San Francisco @ Seattle -3.5
The best sub-plot leading up to this slobber-knocker is that Jimmy BRAH likes to buy $8 khaki pants at Wal-Mart. Talk about LOLZ! This is my kind of game. These teams absolutely hate each other. The coaches despise each other. The fans want to murder the other. But Kaep is cool with it because "he's the man, he's the man, he's the maaaaaan". This is going to be terrific. Again, the weather should not be a factor which is nice. Kaepernick has been downright dreadful in his starts up there thus far which is concerning but you can’t deny that the 49ers are playing better than any of the other teams still going. That’s big. Hot teams usually ride the momentum to Super Sunday. The Seahawks look ordinary on offense now outside of Lynch. He’s going to need another monster game. Not to get anyone’s hopes up, but I’m starting to form a rough outline for the next BRAHs post so hold onto your butts for that (this sentence doesn't fit into this paragraph AT ALL BTW). It’s hard to bet against The 12th Man but it’s even harder to pick against a coach who loves falling prices. I’m picking my BRAH. San Francisco 23, Seattle 20.

On Monday, I said that I was leaning NE and SEA and now I’m betting against both. Makes sense. I also like the unders in both of these contests. Enjoy the games on Sunday, folks, because the NFL is sort of giving us THREE Super Bowls this year and that is just the best. I like Denver and San Francisco for NYC in two weeks. Let’s see what winners like Seal think. OBVZ, we’re going spread picks here but give your winners as well.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Browns are TOTES Going to Eff This Up

Saying nice things about Cleveland, I'm sure
By now, you idiots are well aware of how much I love the NFL Draft (as well as the NBA Draft). The FACT that Ide will be attending this event for the third straight year in a few months makes me TOTES JELLY. Granted, it has to be boring as fuck in person but I would at least love to do it once. And this will end the portion of the post where I compliment Ide. The reason I mention this is because, yesterday, Mel Kiper released his first of four thousand mock drafts. The results are quite interesting. I am writing this post blind since I don’t have ESPN Insider so bear with me while I guess on a few things. Seriously, WTF Insider? No one is paying for that. Just give your content for free like everyone else does.

Anyway, there are three things that I want to discuss regarding Mel’s first draft.

1. He has Johnny Fucking Football going #1 overall to Houston. HOLY SHIT. Can Bill O’Brien go back to Penn State? I love me some Johnny but this would be ten times more of a disaster than Anthony Bennett (still better than Oladipo). Unless Houston is owned and run by the KKK, I can’t see ANY reason to draft Manziel over Teddy KGBridgewater. Maybe they want to sell jerseys/season tickets and if that is what they are concerned with than they will be picking in the top three for a long time. Bridgewater has a better arm, is more accurate, is faster (I assume due to pigment), is stronger, makes better decisions, less acne, and has a way better frame. I would love to see Johnny Goddamn Football go #1 but, man, that would be the dumbest thing ever.

2. My guess is that he has Clowney going #2 to the Rams via the Redskins. Fine by me. We definitely would have taken that guy and I like to think that we learned our lesson with Albert Haynesworth. No need to waste a pick on another lazy ass who will spend all his time laying on the field. J/K…missing out on Clowney will probably haunt us forever. I’m still pissed that we didn’t draft Jevon Kearse 15 or so years ago.

3. Finally, what will the Browns do at 4 and 26. It’s kind of weird that I spend so much time trying to fix the Browns or playing fantasy GM with this team. I guess it comes down to them always being on TV here and I would rather have them be competitive and fun to watch as opposed to what we’ve seen over the last forever. It doesn’t hurt that I KNOW for a FACT that I would be an upgrade in that front office. I’d show those Three Stooges what’s up and we would hire goddamn ME as coach/GM/owner/POTUS. Then we would get a new name and new uniforms. The Cleveland Sambos would wear black/darker black and would never lose.

Wait—where was I? Oh yes, how silly of me. Mel has the Browns taking Blake Bortles at 4 and Carlos Ide at 26. Once again, this would be a horrible draft class and a stern reminder that you will forever be rebuilding. I disagree with this thinking and here is what I would do: I would correctly guess that Houston is taking Teddy at 1. While I don’t love JFF that much, he is exactly what this dead franchise needs. I trade #4 and my second round picks in 2014 and 2015 to the Rams to move up to 2 and take Manziel. At least then you are actually picking a direction for the franchise. That might not be enough for the Rams though. You might have to do 4 and 26 for 2 which is steep but you can’t keep fucking around with shitball/cornball QBs. Just ask me: if you are going to commit to a QB for the future, it’s pretty bad ass to have one that is REALLY fun to watch.

Or you could do Sammy Watkins at 4, McCarron at 26, and maybe Carlos Ide is there at the top of round 2? That wouldn’t be a bad haul. But then again, you’re still stuck with a game manager and multiple lawsuits from Katherine Webb after getting gang-raped in the Dawg Pound. Watkins and Gordon and Cameron together sounds good but they mean nothing if you have someone worse than Mark Sanchez back there launching ducks.

Honestly, I think that the Browns are a sleeping giant that is about to awake with furious rage and anger and Ws.

Like I said, I have this weird fascination with how the Browns SHOULD be run even more than my own team (a lost cause). I would never say that it is a good time to be a Browns fan but it is definitely an interesting time to be one. You never know what The Three Stooges have up their sleeves. Jimmy Haslam may dig up Chuck Noll’s corpse and name him coach. Let’s, once again, fix the Brownies today. And if you want to tell everyone who Mel has your team taking, I’ll analyze that as well. FUCK YOU CAKES…never forget.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Mail-In Post: Random Topics

Hey Chicago, whaddaya say?
This doesn’t happen all that often, but I’m mailing this one in today. Work was a pain in the ass yesterday and I just didn’t feel like putting in much effort into my internet job. You’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT and GIVE IT A REST. Here are some potential topics to get us through today that aren’t very interesting on their own.

*Clark The Cub! - Hoo boy, this is...something.  To be honest, though, I kind of like Clark.  He really embodies the spirit of that organization: a cute and cuddly joke.

*James Franklin is the new coach at Penn State – This is old news but you can’t forget about the faction of Penn State who argued that they shouldn’t hire him because he handled the Vandy rapes wrong (in their opinion). Wow. You can’t make this stuff up. PSU fans are rapidly rising in the Worst Fans Ever rankings. By the way, this was a tremendous hire.

*Urban completes his staff – He brought over Larry Johnson from Penn State to coach the DL which is apparently a coup. He also stole Bert Bielema’s DC at Arkansas to be his co-DC. I’d love to know why Chris Ash made that career move. Coach defense in the SEC or call FagNasty Fickell your boss? Interesting decision there.  At least now, when your defense underachieves again, you can blame FagNasty Fuckstick AND Crispy Ass!

*Jim Caldwell to the Lions – This has to be the least inspiring hire in sports history. This guy sucks. I’m sorry, Lions fans. I’m even more sorry for Browns fans who have to wait for Adam Gase (or A Dumb Gay if you like to COUNT IT) to get done coaching in the playoffs before he accepts his job for one season. Since Peyton Manning calls his own plays at the line anyway (OMAHA!) then why does his OC get any credit ever? Typical Browns.

*Lane Kiffin to OC at Alabama – I may be insane but this makes a ton of sense to me and I think it is a really good hire. I must be drunk.

*Justified – You can always talk about Justified. Thoughts on Michael Rappaport? I hate the guy but he is about as “Florida” as it gets and that’s what they want.

*How about some more talk about a RibFest date? 3/1 or 3/8…what works best for the unwashed masses?

That’s it for today. Again, apologies for the brief post but I’m just not feeling it. I wouldn’t say that I’m OVERRATED or anything but today lacked it’s typical TRANSCENDENCE.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Fantasy Football Awards Banquet

The Worst Show on Television Award

Welcome to the new Tuesday era, dick lovers.  I'm glad to be here and from what I've seen so far, there is a pretty awful collection of human beings that troll these parts.  So I should fit right in.  With college football officially done for the year, we now get to focus on everyone's favorite sport.  Basketball!  Just kidding.  Not really kidding but I will spare you a hoops post today since whiny shit bags like Cakes has a fuckin period every time basketball is mentioned.  So instead I'll ease myself in with a post that I know everyone here will enjoy.  Today I will be handing out some fantasy football end of season awards.  I hope these guys enjoyed receiving these awards as much as I enjoyed handing them out.

Uhhhhh.  What?! Award:  Andy Dalton
I'm still cleaning the shit out of my pants because that's what happens when you see Dalton's name 3rd in overall QB points scored.  Did I miss something like ALL FUCKING SEASON??  This will never happen again so anyone who had/started the Red Rocket all year I hope you enjoyed the flukiest of fluky seasons.  Because next year it will most certainly be......Back to life!  Back to reality!  That's right.  That was a Soul II Soul reference.  Bringin' it hard today.

Waiver Wire Gem Award:  Zac Stacy
The key to this award is the winner must be someone who was not drafted in any league.  And no one in their right mind should have drafted Stacy at the beginning of the year since he was A) an unknown rookie and B) buried on the depth chart behind a worse, thinner version of Stephen Jackson and a life long criminal who was suspended at the start of the season.  Those who were smart enough to snag Stacy when it was rumored he would be the starter were rewarded handsomely.  Stacy could have actually pushed Fat Eddie Lacy for Fantasy Rookie of the Year if he had started all year.  SPOILER ALERT!

Anal Grenade Award:  Peyton Manning
I don't have stats to back this up because I think stats are OVERRATED but I'm going to say that anyone who had the superior Manning this year was at least playing for the fantasy championship.  If you weren't then you didn't deserve to have him and probably had a roster full of Chris Ivorys.

Fantasy Rookie of the Year:  Eddie Lacy
This was an easy choice.  I actually watched quite a bit of Packer football this year and because of that I can offer this golden advice.  If you plan to draft Lacy in the future, make sure it's before his 27th birthday.  The way this fat hog runs the ball I can't see him having a career past 27.

Best Calvin Johnson Impression Award:  Josh Gordon
Just imagine if Gordon wasn't head over heels in love with weed.  How good would this guy be?  Look what Gordon did this year.  Then remember he sat out 2 weeks for having dirty piss.  THEN remember Brandon Weeden started half the games for the Browns and Jason Campbell started the other half.  That should count for at least 2,500 receiving yards.

Rags to Riches Award:  Knowshon Moreno
Moreno hasn't been fantasy relevant since his rookie year.  And you could argue he was barely relevant then.  There were even rumors Moreno wasn't a lock to make the roster this year after pretty much everyone anointed Monteeeeeeeeeeee Ball the next Purple Jesus at running back.  Then Moreno says Fuck The World and ends up finishing in the top 5 at RB points.  Good work, son.  Maybe that's why you were caught randomly bawling fucking alligator tears on the sideline vs. Kansas City.  Tears of joy because you knew you were a lock for this award, right?  Right.

Biggest Faggot Award:  Stevan Ridley
Serious question.  Are Ridley's fingers made out of warm, soft turds?  Flaccid penises, perhaps?  Maybe cooked spaghetti?  I wonder exactly how many people Ridley completely fucked over this year because he has worse ball security than Brucie from The Longest Yard.  Probably quite a few.  At the end of the year you couldn't even be pissed at Belichick anymore for benching Ridley's sorry ass.  Thanks for nothing, shit head.

The I'll Never Be Better Than My Brother Award:  Eli Manning
Eli takes home this prestigious award for the 10th year in a row.  Quite the streak he has going here.

Biggest Disappointment Award:  Trent Richardson
This was the year of the disappointing running backs period.  Never before can I remember a year where so many running backs considered ELITE played so shitty. But one man did stand out among the bunch.  I really don't know what happened to Richardson this year.  Maybe the trade to the Colts got into his head.  Maybe he was never that good.  Maybe he kept tripping over his horse cock on every hand off.  Whatever it was, he has a lot of proving to do next year if he doesn't want the world to agree with Cakes.  And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that absolutely no one wants that.

Did You Know He Played College Basketball?!?!?!?! Award:  Julius Thomas
Motherfucker do announcers just love to latch onto stupid little nuggets like that.  It's especially excruciating in week 14 when every other guy on the planet has already ear fucked us with the history of Orange Julius' basketball career yet the jackass doing Broncos vs. Titans thinks he's sharing new, exciting news with the rest of the world.  You aren't.  GIVE IT A REST!

Fool's Gold Award:  DeSean Jackson
You'll notice that he finished top 10 in wide receiver points.  But like the award says, don't be fooled.  Eight times this season Jackson finished with 8 or fewer fantasy points.  Five of those eight contests he had 3 or fewer points.  I realize he most likely wasn't drafted to be someone's number one wide receiver and was probably drafted in the later rounds.  But it's still shitty for a guy who started off the year so well and had only a white supremacist racist to compete with for catches.

I Told You So Award:  Tom Brady
Fine.  Tom Brady was a letdown this year.  Let that fart sniffer G$ have his day in the sun.  Even losers are right every once in awhile.  We'll always have Eli Manning, right?

This will conclude the awards ceremony for this afternoon.  Feel free to nominate your own players or hand out your own awards.  Side note: You guys see I did my research here before posting.  I didn't shy away from commonly used terminology from previous posts/comments and even knew that Cakes is the worst and respected by no one.  I was sure to add my shots in his direction so we can all bond over it.  I think this will work after all.  Happy to be aboard.

Monday, January 13, 2014

The Worst of the Divisional Round Vol.VII

We don't give out an Asshole of the Year Award here but we might have to now.  Allow me to explain: I've said numerous times here how awesome doggy day care facilities are.  We have taken our dog to one near the wife's office twice a week for the last 3+ years and it is money well spent.  It gives your dog a chance to play all day, socialize with other dogs, and most importantly, wear themselves the fuck out.  During last week's POLAR VORTEX, Ohio State was closed for two days and since our place is right near anOSU, they were closed Monday and Tuesday as well.  Inconvenient, but fine, I get it.  We get a FB message from them on Tuesday night saying that they will be closed on Wednesday as well and to keep checking Facebook for updates.

So on Wednesday, there is no update.  The phone number there still has an automated message saying that they would be closed on Wed but nothing about Thursday.  I call them again on Thursday morning, still no answer, and this time no automated reply.  We get home on Thursday night and I decide to do some ELITE Facebook stalking of people that work there.  Yep, on Wednesday, the entire staff was told by the owner that they no longer had jobs (these are mostly college kids that work there) and that the day care was closed ASAP.  No warning to anyone.  Since you have to pre-pay, do you think that anyone is getting refunded?  I don't think so.  I understand fucking over humans but you don't pull that shit on adorable dogs.  EVER.  The owner of Noah's Bark just fucked over his employees, customers, and hundreds of dogs.  And he took all the money with him.  I hope that that guy suffers when he dies from being raped by a dinosaur.  YOU ARE THE WORST.  But after some research, we've got our little guy in a new place this week (on Riverside).  Thieves are the Ides of society.  Looking forward to seeing what The PupTown Lounge has in store for our fella.  This new Doggy Day Care place better be "doin' work, doggy".  Rant over.  Oh, and if you're wondering how much this guy stole from us, we only had two sessions left to burn so it was like $35.  I've killed shitheads for way less than that.  On to the worst of the NFL Divisional Round!

Russell Wilson - I hope that you all took my advice and bet the under on this game because the weather was even worse than I thought it would be and it was never in doubt.  That being said, Rusty Dubs was absolutely atrocious.  He was the worst player on the field.  FACT.  Brandon Weeden could've done what he did.  Also a FACT.

Sean Payton - He called a horrible offensive game and decided that it was a good idea to try two 45+ yard field goals with the barely average Shayne Graham.  That was DUMB.  Rob Ryan's defense played their asses off (then again, they didn't have to defend the pass).  I didn't think that either team really deserved to win this game.

Pussy Hurtin' - Nice comeback, Percy.  Died on the field twice.  His mouthpiece is probably still there somwhere.  Go away.

John Lynch - How many times are you going to tell that story of Bill Parcells wanting Khiry Robinson to get more carries?  Because you finished that game with 104 times.

Golden Tate - Colston will catch a ton of LULZ for his weirdo decision to throw a lateral on what turned out to be the last play of the game but they still would have needed a hail mary to be answered which likely would not have been.  Then again, this situation would have never mattered at all if the homo from Notre Dame could field an easy ground ball.  In conclusion, this was a garbage goddamn game and I'm glad that I bet the under and bought the extra points to get it to SEA -6.5.  DOUBLE WIN!

Ulysses S. Luck - I think that we can all agree that Andrew Luck has the worst beard ever.  Twitter seems to think that he is going for the look of Civil War General/Amish Butter Churner.  I agree with this.  It looks horrible yet somehow even worse when Luck is frothing at the mouth.  Luck is great but he is proving to be somewhat of a turnover machine.

Greg Schiano - So Blunt ran for four touchdowns on Saturday night which might have been the biggest upset in the history of football. Between Blunt and Aqib Talib, just know that Schiano just gave these two studs to Bill Belichick for basically nothing in return.  So if the Patriots win the AFC or Super Bowl, we can all blame Schiano for being a horrible judge of talent.

Dan Dierdorf - You will not be missed in the booth.  At least he saved his worst for last.  I think that that is all that I have to say about that game.  It wasn't very good and the Colts luck finally ran out.  Pun intended.

Ric Flair - Uh oh, even if The Nature Boy was welcome at the Panthers game, he was going to get arrested on a bench warrant.  Poor Naitch.  Literally, very poor Naitch.

Anquan Boldin - Christ, for being such a great player, dude is really hard to root for because of how he acts.  Just walk back to the fucking huddle instead of head-butting everyone on the defense.  Speaking of which...

Carl Cheffers and Crew - They were fucking terrible.  I am sort of a savant when it comes to NFL officiating.  I know the good ones (Mike Carey) and the horrible ones (Jeff Triplette).  The crew in Carolina was horrible.  They let EVERYONE act like apes except for that one guy on Carolina who had the weakest headbutt in world history yet was flagged while Boldin was not two drives later.  And then they missed a too many men penalty on the final drive of the first half.  TERRIBLE.  MORE BOOGER.

Riverboat Ron - I thought that Cam played really well for his first playoff game ever but their offense inside the five just killed them.  If you're going to gamble on fourth downs, you can't fail.  They failed.  The Panthers belonged despite the final score but, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, YES PLEASE NINERS/SEAHAWKS.

Ken Whisenhunt - If the Lions job was "his to lose" than his play-calling in the first three quarters should have lost it.  That was awful.  What were the even running other than "1 yard run" and "dropped pass play"?  That game was RIPE for the taking and the poop offense gave it.  Well, that and...

The Chargers DL - It's called a fucking hard count.  They do it at all levels.  Fucking Big Rex even did it.  SD jumped offsides five times.  FIVE times.  They were probably too sad that Manti T'eo got hurt.  He is such an inspiration.

Jim Nantz - We get it.  You love the Broncos.  You need to do a better job of disguising who you're rooting for.

Peyton Manning - So what?  He didn't cover and scored 24 points at home against a really bad defense.  Nothing has changed.  Dude is a loser and you all know it.

Well, this weekend's games all pretty much sucked which was a surprise.  But, HOLY SHIT, next weekend's conference championship games are about as ELITE as it gets.  Sure, the Redskins aren't there but the second through fifth best teams are!  DEN/NE and SEA/SF will be amazing.  I can't wait.  And after going 4-0 on the bet sheet yesterday, my wallet can't wait either (early indication is betting the Patriots and Seahawks). Oh, and if there are any Fuckeye hoops fans out there, please discuss your tremendous home loss to Wayne Trace yesterday.  Pop in tomorrow for the first post from Randall Stevens, BRAH!