|I DRESS MYSELF!|
*There wasn't a whole lot of MACtion going on Thursday. BGS-AIDS and Northern IlliNOISE both lost but the real story was how Ford Field ran out of Little Caesar's pizza at the Little Caesar's Bowl. Hundreds of fans went home that night completely bummed they didn't get the chance to splash their diarrhea over the Ford Field stalls. I'm not sure why people were so pissed. That shit is barely pizza.
*The Minnesota Fighting Seizures' dream season ended with a loss. I heard Jerry Kill tried committing suicide by attending a TransSiberian Orchestra concert. Better than when URBZ was caught drowning his sorry in a 14" Papa Johns pepperoni, I suppose.
*Michigan ended their season exactly the way they should have. With a massive LOLZ. I'm sure the mouth breathing Fuckeye trolls were out in full force Saturday since they have nothing else better to do on a Saturday night. I'm betting Cakes was the worst because he is always the worst. For all of the H8ERZZ out there, did you notice the Hokester wearing a head set? Now if he can just ditch the squishy D-Cups...
*Notre Dame is for gays. Gays named Larry. How do you let such a butt team like Rutgers hang all game? Getting their snatches worked by Alabama last year really fucked the Irish up, eh? Maybe they need another player to kill off a fake girlfriend so they have something to rally behind next year. All I know is that Jimmy Clausen would be ashamed of the product Saturday night. All the Notre Dame players owe Aaron Craft 100 up downs. At least it looks like Notre Dame will get that cheater Golson back next year when Rees graduates and goes back to punching cops in the nuts when hammered.
*Theodore Bridgewater just did himself a million favors with that performance against Miami. There's no doubt he'll be the first quarterback off the board. He should be, anyway. Do the Texans have the pills to take him first overall? Bridgewater is probably hoping for that so the Browns don't completely ruin him.
*BYU and Washington. Ugh. The college football equivalent to missionary sex. No one cares about this game unless you're Mormon or Colin T. Cowherd.
*Did Mack Brown win his last game ever last night? Do I look like I give a fuck? Fun story: my father-in-law who looks like Mack Brown decided to grow a beard this year. My wife is a million years old and can't remember him ever trying this before. It. Looks. Terrible. I wanted to laugh in his face constantly over Christmas but I only save that kind of treatment for Dut's beard. Older men experimenting with facial hair is solid comedy.
*Todd McShay has Johnny Manziel (playing tonight) going in the top 5. TOP FIVE. Chew on that for a few minutes and then tell me that Broxton Milner shouldn't turn pro/the Skins won't get shit for Cousins.
That will do it. Just like a promised. A complete and total mail in post to gear you up for New Year's. A new Tuesday poster should be announced in the next couple of weeks. Hand picked by myself because I am better than all of you. I'm sure most of you will be 2 or 3 drinks away from alcohol poisoning tomorrow. I just ask that you go the extra mile and take that last shot or drink that last beer. There's no shame in spending Jan. 1 getting your stomach pumped in the emergency room by a nurse with a hairy mole on her lip. Happy New Year, N-Words!
FYI, I will probably throw up some sort of open thread tomorrow in case you are bored (and you will be) and want to rip on college kids making bad football plays. Should be a HOOT!