Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Assessing the Ass-y Bowl Season

Once again Tuesday college football posts are sadly coming to a close. I know it's everyone's favorite day with all of the HOT TAEKS that go on. So let's bullet point this bitch for one of the last times this year. StanGina should be rock hard and about to spray his sex load all over the screen right about now. Before I forget, I hope you all have a terrible New Year's filled with disappointment and maybe some self inflicted anal abuse. For the record, until we find another Tuesday guy...I'm pretty much mailing Tuesdays in because I'm lazy and look like a Rob Ford/Roger Goodell love child.

*There wasn't a whole lot of MACtion going on Thursday. BGS-AIDS and Northern IlliNOISE both lost but the real story was how Ford Field ran out of Little Caesar's pizza at the Little Caesar's Bowl. Hundreds of fans went home that night completely bummed they didn't get the chance to splash their diarrhea over the Ford Field stalls. I'm not sure why people were so pissed. That shit is barely pizza.

*The Minnesota Fighting Seizures' dream season ended with a loss. I heard Jerry Kill tried committing suicide by attending a TransSiberian Orchestra concert. Better than when URBZ was caught drowning his sorry in a 14" Papa Johns pepperoni, I suppose.

*Michigan ended their season exactly the way they should have. With a massive LOLZ. I'm sure the mouth breathing Fuckeye trolls were out in full force Saturday since they have nothing else better to do on a Saturday night. I'm betting Cakes was the worst because he is always the worst. For all of the H8ERZZ out there, did you notice the Hokester wearing a head set? Now if he can just ditch the squishy D-Cups...

*Notre Dame is for gays. Gays named Larry. How do you let such a butt team like Rutgers hang all game? Getting their snatches worked by Alabama last year really fucked the Irish up, eh? Maybe they need another player to kill off a fake girlfriend so they have something to rally behind next year. All I know is that Jimmy Clausen would be ashamed of the product Saturday night. All the Notre Dame players owe Aaron Craft 100 up downs. At least it looks like Notre Dame will get that cheater Golson back next year when Rees graduates and goes back to punching cops in the nuts when hammered.

*Theodore Bridgewater just did himself a million favors with that performance against Miami. There's no doubt he'll be the first quarterback off the board. He should be, anyway. Do the Texans have the pills to take him first overall? Bridgewater is probably hoping for that so the Browns don't completely ruin him.

*BYU and Washington. Ugh. The college football equivalent to missionary sex. No one cares about this game unless you're Mormon or Colin T. Cowherd.

*Did Mack Brown win his last game ever last night?  Do I look like I give a fuck?  Fun story: my father-in-law who looks like Mack Brown decided to grow a beard this year.  My wife is a million years old and can't remember him ever trying this before.  It.  Looks.  Terrible.  I wanted to laugh in his face constantly over Christmas but I only save that kind of treatment for Dut's beard. Older men experimenting with facial hair is solid comedy. 

*Todd McShay has Johnny Manziel (playing tonight) going in the top 5.  TOP FIVE.  Chew on that for a few minutes and then tell me that Broxton Milner shouldn't turn pro/the Skins won't get shit for Cousins.

That will do it. Just like a promised. A complete and total mail in post to gear you up for New Year's. A new Tuesday poster should be announced in the next couple of weeks. Hand picked by myself because I am better than all of you. I'm sure most of you will be 2 or 3 drinks away from alcohol poisoning tomorrow. I just ask that you go the extra mile and take that last shot or drink that last beer. There's no shame in spending Jan. 1 getting your stomach pumped in the emergency room by a nurse with a hairy mole on her lip. Happy New Year, N-Words!

FYI, I will probably throw up some sort of open thread tomorrow in case you are bored (and you will be) and want to rip on college kids making bad football plays.  Should be a HOOT!

Monday, December 30, 2013

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.VII

Well, the regular season is officially over.  Usually, this makes me sad but when your team is God awful, quit in week 6, and has no first round draft pick, you celebrate the sweet release that death provides.  But before we get into the NFL action, let's talk about Andrew Bynum.  Look, we all knew that this was a reach for the Cavs that was, at best, a medium risk/medium reward situation.  And it ended up failing miserably as Bynum will likely not play for the Cavs again.  He was actually playing pretty well (for what most thought we would get from him) and at the time of writing this, no one is really sure what happened.  But I will believe that Woj guy at Yahoo who says that Bynum just doesn't want to play basketball anymore.  And that's fine.  He can go play handball with Jake Plummer.  I still think that he was worth the risk.  It ended up costing the team almost nothing to take a shot.  And who cares anyway because it's just another shitty move by Chris Grant.  This team sucked with Bynum.  They will suck without him.  Anderson Silva's leg has a better chance of making the playoffs.  Hot Take!  Let's talk football because discussing the Cavs makes my dick soft.

Alternate Uniforms - OK, these have to stop.  They have gotten out of control.  WEAR YOUR UNIFORMS.  Don't wear some other version.  Stop trying to sell merchandise to idiots.  Those white Minnesota unis made me root for Jerry Kill's epilepsy.  Ohio Buckeyes look like garbage with those really wide helmet stripes.  WEAR YOUR REGULAR UNIFORMS GODDAMMIT.

Penn State - Ya fucked, BRAHS!  Your savior coach is gone.  I expect Bill O'Brien to take his butt chin to Houston which is an incredible job opening.  You can do a hell of a lot worse than walking into JJ Watt, Andre Johnson, Foster, and the #1 pick.

Black Monday! - Oh man, do I love this day.  Coaches are assholes and there are few things better than a day where a bunch of assholes get shit-canned.  The Money Shot will be your home of Black Monday firings.  I expect at least 5 pink slips today.  Mike Shanahan better be one of them.

Jimmy Haslam/Mike Lombardi - If you weren't sold on Chud then why did you hire him?  You work/own the Browns.  You aren't getting a great coach to come there.  You gave Chud the worst QBs in the league and no running backs.  What did you expect?  If they fire Chud today, well, they'll be just as big of a joke as they usually are. UPDATE - They did.  As some hilarious mug said on Twitter:
The Browns are what happens when a criminal billionaire and Bill Simmons podcast take over a team.
Pretty much.  This franchise is forever fucked.  No one has a goddamn clue what they're doing.  They have officially lost the Trent Richardson trade because the Browns never win.

Jim Schwartz - I like the guy but he should have been fired last year and now word is coming out that he might keep his job after a monumental collapse.  This makes no sense.  Nice loss to the Vikings.  FYI, Cordarelle Patterson is going to be GREAT if he ever has a good QB.

The Rams - FUCK YO COUCH!  Houston earned that #1 pick--not you scumbags looking for handouts.

Ryan Tannehill - Not only did they miss out on the playoffs because they couldn't beat the Bills OR the Jets at home (got slaughtered in both) but the QB got caught picking his nose by an ELITE cameraman.  Nothing wrong with picking your nose, bro, but you got to wipe your boogers on Jonathan Martin.

Joe Flacco and Andy Dalton - Worst starting QBs in the league?  Can you believe that this is the first time that Flacco has not made the playoffs?  Dalton might make worse decisions than Ryan Leaf.  He is SO DUMB.  But still, I expect the Bengals to win by 50 next weekend.

Not RedZone - God bless those guys.  They didn't show one live play of HOU/TEN or WAS/NYG.  Good job.  Good effort.

It's over - I'm done complaining about the Redskins.  It's high time to focus on who our next puppet head coach will be.  My guess is Lane Kiffin.  He could bring his dad in to run the defense.  Nepotism is a real thing in DC.  Thank you, London Fletcher, you will be missed but not that much because we went 3-13 with you this season.

BLOG BREAK! - Heading down to #DEFENDNWA now!  BEAT THE PENGUINS!  Sidney Crosby gives great head!  Postgame - SHIT!  AND I apparently missed an ELITE slate of finishes in the later games.  Let's scan the box scores...

Poor Prime - I called that.  The Bears would lose.  It sounds like it was heart-breaking but why would you expect something good to happen when you've watched that Bears defense suck all season.  They lost to the goddamn Redskins for fuck's sake.  I get the feeling that they are going to let The Cat walk in free agency.

Terrelle Pryor's Agent - LOLOLOLOL the Raiders want my client to fail!  WHO SAYS THAT?

FUCK YOU STEELERS - LULZ!  I was in a suite last night and it was pretty much all Pens fans who were watching the Chargers/Chiefs game with great interest and white trash vigor.  They were so pumped when the Chiefs got into field goal range and then that American hero pushed it and they lose in overtime because Chase Daniel gives no fucks about the line of scrimmage.  That was terrific.  Steeler fan silence and dejection at a hockey game.  Unfortunately, Faggot Crosby woke them up a few minutes later.

Christ, Chargers! - That was classic San Diego right there.  Should have lost a home win-or-go-home game to a team that plays the second half of preseason games.  I was expecting to see Norv Turner show up.  I'm looking forward to more hilarious Philip Rivers faces though.  He should have plenty in Cincy next week when they are losing by 35.

Oh come on, Browns - Targeting Josh McDaniels?  THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU HIRE HIM LAST YEAR!  Do you not remember that he traded back into the first round to draft Tim Tenor?  HE DID THAT.  Move this team to London.

FANTASY! - Shit.  Ide won the G$FL for the second year in a row.  Peyton Manning is a hell of a drug.  I'll tell you what, if you owned Peyton this year and didn't win your league (Jeff), you should stop playing (Jeff).

I'm just going to assume that Dallas loses because there is no way that Kyle Orton can come back from a second quarter ten point deficit, right?  Whatever, I'm tired and I'm calling it quits for today.  There will be plenty of LULZ to go around anyway.  One thing is certain, I'm getting really sick of watching the Jackets lose in person but, then again, I GOTTA SEE IT LIVE!

Friday, December 27, 2013

The 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year Is...

The reason for the season...never forget
We make a big fuss around here about the Commenter of the Year and, while it is very important, it pales in comparison to the award of Money Shot Man of the Year. A Commie is one hell of an achievement and should be celebrated, but being named Money Shot Man of the Year is something that gets you put on dollar bills ya’ll. As this is our fourth crowning ceremony of Man of the Year, we can now officially commission our own Mount Rushmore! What a tourist attraction that would be! You probably would like a refresher on who the prior winners were, right?

2010: Arthur Moats and Corey Wooton – These fine mine combined to rid the football world of Brett Lorenzo Favre. We thought that we would never get rid of him until these legends took matters into their own hands.
2011: Steve Shubin – 2011 was the year of the Fleshlight. It only made sense to honor the inventor. Who wants to bet that Lange doesn’t buy himself a light trophy? Bitch.
2012: G$ - Some saw this as controversial. I did not. This was a Louis Green slam dunk. I had an absolutely ELITE and filthy year. 2013 was not as ELITE unfortunately.

How do we score this, you ask? It’s pretty easy actually. We ask two simple questions which must result in a NO and then a resounding YES.
1. Are you OVERRATED?
2. Are you ELITE?
Now let’s get to this year’s nominees!

Richie Earl – I wrote a post about bullying or injuries earlier in the year and Cakes commented about Mr. Earl from their high school days. I forget all the details except that Richie enjoyed picking on Cakes and knocked him unconscious during gym class or football practice or something. He must have had great pad level. You knock out Cakes and you’re getting nominated for Man of the Year, bruh.

Drew – He won Commenter of the Year so he’s getting an invite to the varsity show. Basically, he’s just getting everyone’s drinks for them with no tip. He is not allowed to talk which means that he has to keep his takes to himself.

The BRAHS – One sad thing about football season is that we don’t get to check in on this site’s favorite brothers that much since they spend so much time grinding tape. The year started off right with John besting Jim in the Super Bowl. If memory serves, John and Jim were named co-MVPs of the game. That was followed up by more hijinks like Jim wearing a gimp suit at Friday’s, ruining The Masters, Jim racing in the Indy 500, a fantasy football draft from Hell, and the formation of CUNT. And going into the final week of the NFL season, both BRAHs are still in the hunt. Just as God intended!

Kevin Ware – I don’t know about you guys, but that was the most disgusting injury that I’ve ever seen. The FACT that it happened against Duke tells me that Coach K had a big hand in Ware’s leg snapping in half. Ware is back playing again although he is just getting about 6 minutes per game and averaging less than 2 points. Still, it’s really cool that he is back playing ball. Kevin Ware is the sentimental nominee.

Aaron Hernandez – Talk about a guy who gets things done! I was prepared to give the nomination of a current NFL player to either Richie Incognito or Riley Cooper but Hernandez just keeps getting better. Oh sure, he has multiple murders to beat but his GF keeps lying to the Feds and witnesses keep on dying long after he’s been incarcerated. The man is still making plays. URBAN MEYER GUY!

That Fan Who Walked On The Court To Get LeBron To Come Back Home – This is a man who takes NBA free agency into his own terrorist hands. We’ve all seen enough of Alonzo Gee. And to the stupid fucking kid who did the same thing for Kyrie and obviously doesn’t understand how restricted free agency works, I hope you die.

PFTCommenter – If you aren’t following this lover of professional football or understand his shtick, then I can’t help you. He is the absolute best thing about the internet right now. The man always plays through the whistle and has the hottest of HOT SPROTS TAEKS.

Mark Dantonio – I mean, come on. He is OBVZ and TOTES the best coach in the B1G and proves it every day of the year. What he lacks in basic human emotion, he makes up for with brilliant game plans and destruction of inferior programs. The rest of the conference better step it up or else they will always be staring up at Sparty. I heard that Michigan State is going to start selling PSLs at The Rose Bowl.

And now…The 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year is…

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! This guy embodies everything great about life except for being a foreigner which is OK because he clearly loves football/Fred Jackson. Let’s briefly list some of his Man of the Year qualities:
*smoked crack on video
*blamed smoking crack on being too drunk
*addressed the crack allegations while wearing a tie with NFL team logos on it
*denied eating a staffer’s pussy on TV
*claimed he gets enough pussy to eat at home
*is grotesquely fat
*ran over some woman at a city council meeting (ELITE GIF)
*pops up on American radio stations to make NFL picks from time to time
*has no problem with the Redskins name
*likely eats chicken wings at all meals
*cannot be removed from office due to question mark reasons which is just the best thing ever

There was no other choice. This was not a tough decision at all. Rob Ford has earned his spot as Money Shot Man of the Year. Wootton/Moats. Shubin. Money. Ford. Move the fuck over, Ric Flair, because a new Four Horsemen are ready to ride!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Open Forum: CHRISTmas Stories

I don't really feel like putting a ton of effort into today's post so I won't.  Let's discuss the good and bad from this year's holiday season today.

GOOD: My nephews are finally into pro wrestling which is where I can excel.
BAD: They root for shitheads.  That must change.  Rey Mysterio sucks, bro.
GOOD: No one accused me of being a pedophile!  HUGE!

GOOD: I'm turning into a pretty ELITE uncle.
BAD: I'm also a huge bitch.  Take for example this conversation with my oldest nephew who is somewhere between 8 and 14 years old.
Him - I'm getting a rifle soon and I have a hunting knife and I really want a machete.
Me - Oh yeah?  I just got an Allen wrench! (which is true!)

GOOD: My brother in law smoked an 18 pound ham and it was incredible.
BAD: I feel fat as fuck.  I need to get my ass back in the gym for very long hours.

GOOD: I saw Hellraiser twice.
BAD: Both times were at church.
GOOD: Right under the gun, I finally got to watch A Christmas Story AKA THEEE best Christmas movie.  People who call Die Hard a Christmas movie are TARDS.  That's like calling Rocky a romantic comedy.

GOOD: I got a lot of meat to fill my new deep freezer (and another gift card from Omaha steaks).
BAD: When it's presents time at the in-laws, I pretty much just get things that my wife asked for and it falls under my jurisdiction.  Like a hose this year.  Did not ask for that.  I did ask for hos; they need to read my list better.

GOOD: The end of year highlight packages on ESPN.
BAD: The NBA on Christmas Day.  I just can't get into it.  It's still football season to me.  And what the fuck were those guys wearing?  I watched some of the Lakers/Heat game but I couldn't get into it.  I only like god awful basketball.
BAD: Mark May and Dr. Lou commentating the Hawaii Bowl!  Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?  It's a good thing I was on my third Christmas Ale when I turned that game on.

I'd love to have you losers do some GOOD and BAD experiences of your own if you have the time.  For the last three years, I have asked my mom to get me some t-shirts that are cheap but have a team logo of some sort on them or something.  She has fucked this up three years in a row.  This year she got me some weirdo shirt that says something like "It's not my fault that I'm this awesome" which is true but SO STUPID.  At least she made up for it with the complete Game of Thrones book series.  That should take me a solid three years.

In conclusion, I just want to say that Jay-Z is a fucking awful rapper (heard some of his work on XM over the holdays).  Yeah, I said it.  His portion of all of his songs BLOW.  That dude that sings on Holy Grail and Alicia Keys and the incredible Rihanna MAKE him.  Rihanna rules (her portion on Eminem's Monster is terrific).  Maybe it's my west coast rap bias, but I just don't understand why HOVA or whatever he calls himself is popular.  His shit sucks.  He's a great boss but when you ask him to actually work, bad stuff happens.  Plus, he is a poopy agent.  Let's share some CHRISTmas fun!  Money Shot Man of the Year is tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Santa Blogs Is Back!

It's that time of year again, boys and girls. Jolly Old St. Prick is back to fill your stockings with disappointment and leave bags of shit under your trees while pissing on the furniture. If you're lucky, you may even find puke in your underwear drawer the next morning. What do you say we open some presents for some of the most rotten motherfuckers this side of the Internet? Strap in, ladies.

Drooler - A permanent Seal mushroom stamp on your forehead. I find it rather hilarious that you call a guy who consistently dominates you daily, slow. It's terribly ironic. DOUBLE GIFT! The benefit of being COTY. You also get a vile of Matthew Stafford ass cheek liposuction. Now you carry a little piece of Fat Stafford with you everywhere you go.

Seal - Anger management classes. I picture Seal getting cold fries at a restaurant and then reacting by flipping over the entire table while red faced and screaming obscenities. Probably belly punches the waitress for good measure. I bet anyone who makes the error of sassing Seal gets a signature high velocity back hand. Let's fix that.

Cakes - Nothing. Because you don't even deserve the shittiest of gifts being handed out today.

Damman - An invitation to the Brandon Weeden passing camp. You will spend two luxurious days with none other than THEE Brandon Weeden himself. Have you ever wondered what it's like to throw a game ending underhand interception? Want to learn the art of drilling every receiver in the ankles with killer accuracy? Do you dream of mastering the art of throwing the 5 yard out on 3rd and 8? This camp covers it all. Even staring down your primary target for 4 seconds. The only thing we ask is a small down payment of your sanity and your spot is reserved. Enjoy!

JSaul - What do you get the biggest Duke fan this side of Ohio? A bootleg copy of the Duke Lacrosse rape tapes, of course! This gem is one of a kind and the only known copy. You can store it in between your Josh McRoberts and Cherokee Parks autographed jerseys. Just ignore the screams and the tears when beating off to it. (ed. note: this should be a gift to GSaul…Santa has a bit of an alcohol problem so I guess this means that JSaul gets nothing)

Grumpy - A glory hole carved into your favorite oak tree. Now instead of getting sexually aroused and dry humping all those trees until you sploosh in your panties, you can make love like a real man with this state of the art glory hole. Show that oak tree your true feelings through passionate, botanist love making. Just remember to wrap up. You never know what sort of disease a 300 year old tree carries.

Mr. Ace - A gigantic black dildo attached to a gold chain. That's for Devin Gardner hanging dong in your face. HE BAD! And he made you look like a total boob this year after the public fellate fiesta you had over Gardner before the season started. Wear the dong in shame like a scarlet letter. The world needs to know.

Jeff - You get to smell Ben Roethlisberger's fingers after his next rape conquest. I heard he likes to utilize the shocker after he wine, dines and sixty-nine's his victims. Make sure you smell the right one so he doesn't purposely dirty sanchez you.

Nate B - Just a good old fashioned steel toe kick to the balls. You don't deserve anything more creative than that.

Dut - A straight razor. Enough is enough. Get rid of that thing.

Ide - Truth serum. This is more of a gift for everyone else. I can speak for everyone when I say that the lies are becoming stale. Like your fart breath. It's time to be outed for every lie you've ever told. From rubbing penis heads with some fictional movie producer all the way down to motor boating Paul Pierce's voluptuous jelly tits.

Prime - Child support payments from DeMarcus Cousins. It's the least he can do. I know the life of a struggling musician can be a little overwhelming when it comes to money since most bars pay out with booze and empty promises. Plus I'm sure Boogie Cousins is already paying at least 3 other women child support, so why shouldn't you get yours? Carry the money in your bra like any good self-respecting bitch would.

And finally G$ - Due to real life circumstances and a behind the scenes verbal brawl to end all brawls, we need a new Tuesday writer here. The old writer is gone for good and we will never speak his name again. He knows what he did and he is no longer welcome here. FUCK HIM. If you want to know the details, just email me but know that any future comment concerning our former contributor will be deleted ASAP. We are done with him. Give it a rest. So, yeah, we need a new Mr. Tuesday.

Wait—that’s too much of a downer for CHRISTmas. Unlimited big jugs for everyone!!!

Ho Ho Ho, dick heads. Jolly Old St. Prick was extra generous this year because every last one of you has been an insufferable cock sucker. By the way. That black stuff in all of your stockings? Not coal. My turds that I ran through the food dehydrator. Nothing says "you guys are assholes" quite like dried up little anus pellets. If Santa Blogs forgot about you, well, blame him. He isn’t even American! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! See you all on Thursday.

Monday, December 23, 2013

The Worst of Week Sixteen Vol.VII

I assume that we all have smart phones now which means that we should have apps, right?  I can safely say that the new, updated ESPN Sportscenter app is the worst fucking thing ever.  What was wrong with the old one that, you know, was terrific?  I will never stop complaining about this piece of shit.  It takes forever to load.  It doesn't give you a page of "your teams" which are all that matter.  You can't personalize it which means you get stupid NBA scores at the top.  It's the worst.  It is the Jeff of apps.  There is no way that anyone prefers this over the old ESPN app.  KILL ESPN.  Let's worst it up right quick:

SW Ohio - I was at my parents house for CHRISTmas yesterday and was stuck toggling between CLE/NYJ and MIN/CIN.  It was a dark day because those games SUCKED.  Please accept my heartfelt apology, Scott Hanson, just know that I missed you so much.

Richie Incognito - It was TOTES OBVZ to me that the reason why the Dolphins got shutout(!) by the Bills(!!!) was because of his racist bullying.  TOTES MCGOTES.  I'd bet that Drew's buddy pissed his pants good after that game.

The Torg - OMG will this guy please get another job in a different city already.  Christ, he was trolling Bengals fans all day under the guise of #pokethebear and he just came off looking like a moron as usual.  I would un-follow him but I want to be there when he loses his health insurance again.  Cagey move by Li'l Strut starting Andy Dalton yesterday in the MSFL Super Bowl.  Did it work?  POSSIBLY!

Alex Smith - Small Hands is not going to win in January.  Sometimes people need to be reminded of this.  Dude sucks...likely because he is an Urban Meyer Guy.

Rex Ryan - Savvy move by the pussy-tuber to fire up his team by telling them that he was going to get fired.  How the fuck can the Jets fire him?  They're 7-8!  They should be 2-13 with that offense.  If they're going to send Rex packing, I would gladly take him in DC.

Stupid NFL Rules - So the Steelers got hosed for some incorrect illegal batting call. LOL fuck 'em.  It didn't matter.  Maybe Ryan Clark would get the calls if he didn't have AIDS blood no offense.

Sean Payton - He truly coached like a moron.  Onside kicks!  Fake field goals!  Playing Mark Ingram!  The Saints don't like to talk about how bad they are on the road BUT they are really bad on the road.  I continue to insist that the Panthers are for real but losing Steve Smiff hurts.  ICE UP, SON!

Tom Brady - Yo record gone, BRAH!  The Sheriff (trademarked by Jonny G) is now your NEW touchdown passes in a season record holder.  51!  Holy shit.  The Jets have thrown 53 touchdown passes in the last three SEASONS.  I still think that Brady's record season was more impressive but Peyton may have just helped me win the MSFL.  DID HE?  MAYBE!

What I've fucking come to expect - The old man knew when the Skins went up 9 on Dallas that they would lose by 1.  We've seen this franchise for far too long to think any different.  I HATE losing to the Cowboys but the unfortunate side effect of this season is that I am numb to everything.  I expect the worst because the worst always happens.  We should have saw this coming anyway.  T-Bone Romo doesn't fail miserably in week 16 on regional coverage.  No, he saves that for the finale and national coverage.  Can't wait to see what he's got cooking next Sunday.

Jim Schwartz and Matt Stafford - They're losers.  They just are.  Schwartz is as good as gone. He should just box up his office tonight.  Stafford is Eli Manning but with zero accomplishments.  How do you let this season happen.  Aaron Rodgers has been a pussy for two months.  The Catler missed a ton of time and the Bears defense is dreadful.  If you can't win the North this year then you never, ever will. And you know that this is true.

Russell Wilson - HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK AND ARE NOT AN MVP CANDIDATE.  YOU ARE BARELY A TRUNG CANIDATE (absolutely horrible Redskins RB from the past).  Someone on Twitter said that he was too focused on his baseball contract which made me LOL.  I fucking hate Seattle.

Rex Grossman - Poor Sex Cannon, he is no longer the answer to the trivia question "Who was the last QB to win in Seattle?".  Still a hero though.

Aaron Rodgers - I had a HOT TAEK on KSK last week in which I argued "Let's be honest Matt Flynn brings his lunchpail everyday while Fraudgers is still stuck in grill class".  I am very proud of this comment.  My point is that we all know that Rodgers isn't playing so stop acting like he's going to show up.

Justin Tucker - Feel free to apologize to all of those fantasy owners this week, bro-heeeeeem.  Joe Flacco is a turd.

FANTASY! - Unfortunately, I will not be placing in the money in the LFL.  Injuries and black dudes getting suspended for drugs (as well as below average Brees play) just killed me.  I will collect my division winner title and hopefully Jeff can beat Lange for the title.  What's that?  Oh, I see...

I AM THE MSFL CHAMPION!  I AM THE MSFL CHAMPION!  I AM THE MSFL CHAMPION!  I went 14-1.  No one came close to my ELITEness.  Li'l Strut defeated me early for my only loss so I beat him twice including yesterday.  I guess it's not over yet but if Phil Dawson and the Niners D put up 53.5 points, I will suck my own dick.  So barring a miracle, I won yet another title because I'm the best at this.  Oh, I remember on draft night when FagNasty and Ide kept calling me out for drafting like a moron and having a big bankroll toward the end.  LOLWUT?  Bunch of haters if you ask me.  Can't recognize excellence OBVZ. 

That's it for today.  I think that we're giving out fictional gifts tomorrow but Gerald Rollie might be busy combing jizz out of his hair.  I'll have to check into that.  THE BRAHS ARE YOUR KINGS!!!

Friday, December 20, 2013

The 2013 Commie Awards!

The Commie!
Men, another year of blog commenting is in the books and the day has arrived to acknowledge and reward the best of the best. Commenting isn’t easy here. It requires FACTS, STREMPH, HOT TAEKS, maybe a few auto correct errors, and consistency. You just can’t hop off the turnip truck and be a force in this corner of the internet. No sir, you’ve got to bring it hard every day and throw the hammer down. Today is a celebration of comments past. I am strangely very excited for today’s post as I think that it will only raise the bar for our beloved comment section.

As a reminder, the inaugural Commenter of the Year was Prime who took home the title last year. He earned it. Unfortunately, there is not going to be a repeat performance this year. I’m sorry. While still consistent, he was a victim of his own successes and just couldn’t surpass his past productivity. A lesser man might blame his son, DeMarcus Jr. AKA Little Boogie, and I will. Being a father of a newborn has to drain some of his daily LULZ. I get it. Good luck to you in the future, Prime. No one will ever take away your Commie.

But there are other awards to give out before we reward the 2013 Commenter of the Year.

The Commie for Rookie of the Year goes to…Burke/Buke! It is always a fairly thin field when it comes to new blood but Burke showed up around March Madness time and has chimed in sporadically ever since. NC Nate made a late season push but he just didn’t get back from Canada early enough to make up the ground necessary for ROY.

The Commie for Smartest Commenter goes to…Li’l Strut/anonymous! You can’t fool us. We know it’s you.

The Commie for Dumbest Commenter goes to …BradyCakes! No one else came close. Go study some more cumulus clouds, homo.  More smarts and poise; less fart noise.  More beef; less queef.  You get the point.

The Lifetime Achievement Commie goes to…Grumpy! Well, it was until he shit all over me Monday and was a goddamn traitor. OK, so I joined Twitter on Saturday. I was going to give myself a little bit of time to familiarize myself with the product so that when it was time to unleash hell, I knew what I was doing. If I wanted it to be known immediately, I would have said something on Monday or started following you harlots last weekend. But Captain Crotch Rot wanted to break hot goss instead. The unveiling of @GMoneyELITE was supposed to be today. It was supposed to be The Commies answer to Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs and thus setting the internet on fire and ruining her career. I was going to twerk the shit out of Dutdog. But Grumpy ruined it. He ruined it good. So now I’m going to light his country music award on fire. Anyway, @GMoneyELITE is the place to be.

The Commie for Most Wrong Commenter goes to…Ide! Unless he is talking about race, he is never right. No one ever agrees with him for a reason. Oh, I used to work with a black dude(!) that grew up with Ide. We saw each other at an event a few weeks ago and the conversation went like this.
Guy: So how do you know (Ide)?
G$: Met him through a friend. I like him but he is such a dickhead.
Guy: LOL yep.

Alright, now that all the minor awards have been delivered, it is time for the big dog. Now, I always ask Iceman for his input when it comes to this because he has some pull when it comes to such a major decision for the site. We did not agree. He thinks that Mr. Ace should win. I can see some merit to that but, unfortunately, a former writer is probably ineligible IMO. He then suggested Seal just to piss off everyone. He also mentioned Jeff who is definitely in the running but being a Red Sox, Steelers, AND Ohio fan disqualified him. Finally, Iceman said that if Brady won that he would quit immediately. Don’t worry about that. So who is the 2013 Money Shot Commenter of the Year??
Make sure that you read this...thing
Drew! This may come as a surprise to many but I think that his resume is DROOLSTRONG. First of all, we have #predictionsdrewmade. He had to eat a lot of shit with his Fuckeyes (both hoops and gridiron), Red Wings, AND Tigers all failing. He bet a one week commenting ban on a 7 seed hockey team to beat the Stanley Cup champs and followed through on his trip into exile. He told us how he wanted the nickname Drooler (for some reason). Let’s face it, he has started to agree with me on A LOT of things lately and, if I am one thing, I am vain. And his most important contribution to the cause was suckering me into losing a bet and joining Twitter which is something that I said that I would never do.

2012 was the year of Prime. 2013 was the year of Drew. I look forward to 2014 being the year of Cakes. Congratulations, Drew, you deserved this no matter how controversial this selection may be. If you have the time, please share some of your favorite comments from this past year today. I could use a good LOL. Now raise your almond milks and let’s toast our Commenter of the Year…DREW!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Open Forum: Food Fight!

As promised, we’re dipping back into the popular and beloved realm of food posts today. Since we are sort of running out of topics in the traditional sense of how these posts work, we’ll be taking a slightly different direction. While it may be new and confusing to such a moronic group of readers, I think that you will catch on. Yesterday, Drooler dropped a dime on Melt by claiming that the grilled cheese barons are a tad OVERRATED. Ide enjoyed his experience there although the mass quantities of cheese are still plugging him up and thus making life hard for all those guys from Queens that look like Luis Guzman. So where are we going with this?

HOT FOOD TAEKS! This will certainly be a food fight of epic proportions. Lines will be drawn in the sand. Friends will become enemies and vice versa. The weather may be cold and frigid outside but the takes inside this proverbial kitchen are BOILING HOT. Let’s get the big one out of the way first:

*Chicago-style Pizza is better than New York-style Pizza – It just is. DEAL WITH IT. Thick, buttery crusts that can hold toppings and should be eaten with a fork are the way to go. I love New Yorkers but there is nothing more annoying than them talking about how their big, floppy slices are the best in the world. Get fucked. No they are not. Go fuck Famous Original Ray already. Your dough isn’t special and “it’s because of the water” is pure faggotry. Yeah, I’m sure that all of those East River corpses have a profound effect on pizza crust. The #1 reason why I prefer Chicago: the tomatoes. Tomatoes aren’t just in the sauce, they are on the pizza and they are delightful. Pizza is supposed to be a meal. It isn’t some snack that you order a la carte and eat while walking. FUCK YOU IDE.

*And another thing about pizza – Slices over squares. Forever. Unless you have a sheet pizza like Adriaticos or the now defunct Pizza Hut Bigfoot OBVZ. Bring back The Bigfoot!

*The most worthless food in the world is – The Quesadilla. These serve no purpose. My stupid wife will order it sometimes when we’re out for beaner food and she always regrets it. There is nothing to them. Two tortillas and melted cheese with maybe a few bits of shitty chicken. Why would anyone order this?

*Christmas Cookies – These make the holiday season always a little bit more tolerable but stop putting those little red hot pieces on them. If I wanted a molten hot cinnamon flavor in my baked goods, I would slam a bottle of Fireball while eating a tray of brownies. Cinnamon is the worst flavor ever. Yes, it is worse than feces. Stop ruining cookies with those red hot things, dumb women.

*And finally, “chili” – A few months ago, Deadspin did a review of each states signature food and ranked them. Cincinnati Chili came in last and was CRUSHED by the internet for its diarrhea-like consistency and reason for existence. In theory, what purpose does a plate of spaghetti noodles, watery chili, and a pound of cheese serve? But you know what, fuck them. Skyline is goddamn delicious and if you don’t like it, no one is forcing you to eat it, BRO. I like it. I don’t love it but I like it. It’s definitely different but the flavors work. If you like chili dogs (and who doesn’t) then why would you talk shit about chili dogs on steroids? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that the Tony Packo’s hot dog sauce is disgusting and those would be fighting words around here. Skyline gets a bad rap but it’s unfounded. It isn’t for everybody but I will defend it to the death.

Whoa! Would you look at all of them STRONG TAEKS! Someone is bringing the thunder today! I can’t wait to see which side everyone falls on. It should be a good day to EMBRACE DEBATE.

As yet another reminder, TOMORROW IS THE COMMIES! It is the day in which we reward the finest from the comments over the past year. Who will win rookie of the year, smartest, dumbest, most wrong, faggiest beard, and the granddaddy of them all, The Commenter of the Year? Stop by often tomorrow to find out.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

G$ Names The Ohio Sportsman of the Year

Agree with this.
At this time of year, it seems like every John Q. Blogger out there tries to come up with some sort of year end award extravaganza that no one gives a shit about. Well, I’m not going to big time the others and will fall in line with the masses. As a reminder, The Commies are this Friday and the reveal of Money Shot Man of the Year is next Friday. Those are the awards that matter, folks. By the way, I’m stealing this post idea from a Bobby Carpenter radio segment so you KNOW it’s legit.

This week, Sports Illustrated named Peyton Manning their Sportsman of the Year. I’m 33 years old and I have never once thought about this distinction. It means nothing to me. It shouldn’t mean anything to you. The only people who care about this work for SI or are over 60 years old and have fond memories of print journalism. I have no idea why Peyton was given this “honor”. He won nothing. He shilled everything. The SI Guy said that it was basically a lifetime achievement award. If that is the case, then—uh—Mr. Mariano Rivera should have gotten it. I would have had no issue with Big Papi being this year’s Sportsman though. Anyone but Manning who, again, accomplished nothing but endorsements. Dammit, if I don't care then why do I have an opinion?

Let’s localize that idea today though. Most of us live in “The Heart of It All” or whatever the state catchphrase is these days (or have at some point so you understand the landscape and the importance of sports here). If Ohio named a Sportsman of the Year, who would it be? Great question, G$! This is my unbiased top 5. You will notice that no one from the Ohio Buckeyes Football program appears here because they proved to be failures and a huge embarrassment to this great state.

Dead Last. The Football Coach at Steubenville – You sir, are the fucking worst.

5. Jack Nicklaus – He should always be in the top 5 but he did bring The President’s Cup to Dublin this year as well as dropping the first puck for the 2013-14 CBJ season. Plus, his grandson is about to win a national championship.

4. Terry Francona – He did the impossible. He almost got the Indians to the playoffs. Granted, no one knew about this because LOL empty seats, but that is no small achievement. This is a horrible franchise that is openly looking at “guys coming off of arm issues”. Who does that? Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that they didn’t respect or like Tito.

3. G$ - I mean, come on. 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year and a favorite to repeat. ELITE athlete (ask Iceman). Numerous fantasy football titles. Snappy dresser and self-described Huguenot. It is an impressive resume. Plus, his troll job on Ohio Football will be discussed for generations.

2. Sergei Bobrovsky – I would have put him #1 but it wouldn’t be fair and balanced. It is no small task for a goalie on the least accomplished franchise in all of pro sports to win one of the biggest awards and come within a pubic hair of sweeping the Blackhawks in the first round. The city loves this guy. Please come back soon, Bob, we miss your Russian musk.

1. Aaron Craft – There is no doubt in my mind that he is the most celebrated and respected athlete in the state and no one comes close. I may not like him because he gets away with a lot, BUT the dude busts his ass and I respect that. You won’t see him take plays off unlike some of his more pigment-ed teammates no offense.

There is my list for Ohio Sportsman of the Year. It will hopefully lead to some decent debate. I honestly could not think of anyone from Cincinnati which makes sense because Kentucky can have that shithole. I’m positive that there will be a knuckle-dragging ground swell of support for Urban Frank Meyer III but I just can’t respect a guy who needs a golf cart to eat shitty pizza. And there will also probably be a big push for G$ to be #1. I mean, OBVZ.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

College Football Week 16

"Call me JBOO."

With only one game slated for Saturday I had to get a bit more creative since these things usually write themselves.  Before we get into anything else, I actually watched the Maurice Clarett/Jim Tressel fluff piece.  Now I know what Drew and Ide are talking about with ESPN being a filthy tabloid network full of hogwash and tomfoolery.  Way to glorify two life long criminals, ESPN.  Just disgusting!  On with the show.

Army vs. Navy.  I would rather be punched in the lips with 30 flaccid cocks instead of watching this shit bag game.  I proudly admit I did not watch a single second of this game because both teams are boring and this rivalry sucks.  I chortle at the fart holes that actually consider this to be one of the best rivalries in all of college football.  It's not.  How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days is a better watch.  The only people that really give a shit about this game are losers like Colon T. Cowfucker and John Feinstein.  Oh...and old geezers that think that Army/Navy is the last pure thing about college football.  Spare me.  There's a reason this game is played on a weekend by itself.  It's because no one is fucking stupid enough to watch it when in direct competition with other games.  Being force fed this game is the only way it will ever attract viewers.  I can't tell you who won this game because I really don't care enough to click over to ESPN to find out.  But I can tell you who lost.  America.

I was about to compliment Mack Brown on the size of his meaty scrotes until I just saw on the ESPN ticker that he has agreed to step down as head coach.  Mack Daddy had a golden opportunity to stuff it in the craw of Texas' athletic department by sticking to his guns and forcing them to fire him.  Instead he goes out like a stale, whimpering fart and folds like a bitch in the end.

I guess we can bury the rumors of Moose Knuckle Saban going to Texas.  Extension signed with a statement saying he never even gave Texas a thought.  It was the safe play and I can't say I blame him.  He can stay at ROLL DAMN LEGACY and become bigger than Bear Bryant's prostate or he could have gone back on his word AGAIN and become a bigger liar than Ide.  Plus totally bombing at Texas would partially destroy Sabes' public perception of being the best coach of our generation/all time.  Nice move...for a pussy.

So I happened to catch some of the Heisman presentation during the evening since there really wasn't shit else going on.  Here are the highlights:

We're eating dinner when all of a sudden Wheelz chimes in, "I think that guy was sleeping.  Rewind it.  Nope...just texting.  That's awfully rude of you to text while the white people are talking, Morgan Freeman."  It was Barry Sanders.  She calls every black guy Morgan Freeman.  Every once in awhile she can be tolerable.

A.J. McCarron almost died when he was younger?!  Who knew?  But I guess that's what you get...when you let a FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLD!   RIDE A FUCKING WAVE RUNNER!!  Zero fucks are given in the south, apparently.  Great parenting, McCarrons!  By the way...A.J. McCarron was 5 in 1996.  I was a Sophomore in high school in 1996.  How fucking depressing is that?

Speaking of Barry Sanders...Chris Fowler right on cue: "You're in fantastic shape!  Looks like you can still lace em up, harf, harf, harf!!!"  How many more years are we going to do this shit?  Barry is 45 years old and isn't coming back, pal.  Let's do America a favor and GIVE IT A REST!  I am glad Barry got himself a new tailor/stopped suit shopping at the Goodwill since the NFL draft, though.  Remember this?  Yeesh.

Hey there Johnny Highwaters!!  Jesus Christ, son.  You're a Heisman trophy winner for fucks sake...get some pants that fit.  Did you steal those slacks from your 10 year old brother?

While everyone tries to figure out why Jordan Lynch was even invited to the Heisman ceremony...let's endure the Tim Tenor of the MAC statements coming from everyone.  I guess the moral of the story is if your head coach flaps his cunt loud enough you can get invited to a trophy ceremony you will most certainly finish dead last third in.

Tom Rinaldi.  Give him a rape question.  Give him a rape question!  GIVE HIM A RAPE QUESTION!!  YES!!  GOOD JOB!!  I don't think Winston could have answered that question any worse.  He looked nervous and wasn't very convincing.  I'm stunned he even attempted to address it.  My favorite part?  Saying how he's enjoying his college experience.  I bet you are, RapeEscape!

George Rogers in a KILLER purple suit.  How very black of you.

No surprise here...Jameis Winston in a blowout win despite being left off of 150 some ballots.  AWWWWWWWWWW SHIT, SON!!  JBOO!  JBOO WINSTON IN DA HOUSE, N-WORDS!!  JBOO > Cammy Cam Cam.  That acceptance speech was hilariously awful.  One of the worst I've heard.  Someone get that asshole some fucking speech lessons.  But more importantly...WHAT WAS SO GOD DAMN HILARIOUS THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE TALKING?!  So many smirks.  Was Manziel making fart noises behind you??  Were you thinking about how you got away with rape?  You could just feel the eye rolling coming from the 1950's Heisman trophy winners section.

That's it, dildos.  The one thing we should take away from this past Saturday that is that the most OVERRATED award in all of sports doesn't care at all that you're a raper.  A close second is that ESPN loves to celebrate the lives of bad people.  A distant third is FUCK YOU CAKES!!

Monday, December 16, 2013

The Worst of Week Fifteen Vol.VII

I would have hired Mr. Fuji to manage me over this nerd but whatever.
We are balls deep in the holiday season at the moment and for jerks like me, we're sick of it.  I am pleased to see that Home Alone is getting more traction as the holiday treasure that it is.  Apparently, AMC is playing the shit out of that classic.  If Buzz isn't the best movie villain ever then I don't know who is.  Here is something that I don't get though: Elf on the Shelf.  What is this?  When did this start?  You see this popping up everywhere on Facebook these days and I have no idea what it means.  I'll just assume that it's dumb and I hate it.  If anyone knows what Elf on the Shelf, please share because I'm sure as hell not looking it up.  Let's get going with the Worst of Week 15 and hope that G$'s two semi-final match-ups are trending in his favor!  UPDATE: It's looking like a bloodbath and that ain't cool.

Not me on the lanes - Went bowling for Z's birthday on Saturday night.  I had the highest overall score and broke 160 in two of three games with my legendary straight ball.  They don't call me Admiral ELITE for nothing folks.

Buddy Ryan - I watched that Football Life on the 1993 Houston Oilers this week.  Man, Buddy was such a cocksucker.  Ernest Givins should have punched his lights out.  Kevin Gilbride would have beat Buddy's ass.  I miss the Oilers.  BRING THEM BACK.  For as dysfunctional as this year's Skins team is, they've got nothing on that Oilers team.

Tom Brady - "Plenty of shitty plays" was the reason why the Patriots lost in Miami yesterday and now are looking at not getting a bye let alone the one seed.  Way to throw everyone else under the bus.  So he's not allowed to audible?

Joe Haden - Died on the field after getting abused all game by the terrific Bears receivers.  At least he still has that game against Calvin Johnson.  It was good to see my boy, The Cat, shake off the rust and look solid.  I don't want some sort of controversy with him and Todd Collins Junior anymore.

T-Rich H8RZ - Over 100 total yards and a touchdown!  COLTS WIN THE TRADE!  The Colts are going to get crushed by the Chiefs in the first round of the playoffs.  Unless they hire Andy Dwyer OBVZ.

Chip Kelly - Even with no decent RBs, I had a good feeling that the Eagles were do to shit all over themselves.  And boy did they!  Matt Cassel had nearly 400 yards and Asiago Cheese scored thrice for the final win in the Metrodome.  I don't care.  NICK FOLES STILL BLOWS.

ELITE Manning - The last QB to throw 0 touchdowns with five interceptions and less than 200 yards passing?  Mark "El Shitbox" Sanchez!  Eli fucking sucks.  Tom Coughlin crushing his team in the postgame for quitting was very amusing.  I find it hard to believe that anyone was trying though.

Kyle Shanahan - He seems to think that he didn't get his current job because of his dad.  OK.  I'm glad to hear that you will be pursuing other jobs in the offseason because I've seen enough of your garbage shit-ass play-calling.

Mike Shanahan - Now, I was fine with The Hokester going for two against Ohio.  I was NOT OK with the Redskins doing it yesterday.  I get that we're 3-10 but so is the goddamn team you are playing.  Why are you worried about going to overtime against them?  That was really dumb but it's nice to see that Mike is upping the ante in this week's effort to get fired.  He was simply just tired of coaching in that game and wanted to get it over with.  I hate Mike Shanahan.  We turned the ball over six times (thank AlfMo and Santana!) and probably should have won.  What a season!  I am so sick and tired of this fucking circus.  I'm glad that Cousins played well because he deserves to get out of this landfill of an organization.

Rob Ryan - Is there a more Rob Ryan story than leaving his job interview in STL to get a few Big Macs and then never showing back up again?  This family gives no fucks.

Everyone who is not Jamaal Charles - Wow.  It's not often to see a RB get stuffed for 20 yards rushing to the goddamn Raiders but then say NBD, I got this.  Charles is the TROOF.  MVP?  Don't answer that because no one cares about football awards.

Fitzmagic! - Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard.  People forget this.  Only this bearded homo could lead an insane comeback and then shit out a loss just as quickly in overtime.  We need to get to this though...

TONY ROMO - Holy shit!  He just keeps getting better and better with his chokes.  I'm sure that dumb fucks like Colin T will blame the receiver or whatever today but the common denominator to ALL of these chokes is one man.  T-BONE!   Two interceptions in the last three minutes at home to a garbage team!  This could be the best Romonobyl yet.  Dallas choking in December is more consistent on the calendar than Christmas.  And I fucking LOVE IT.  Can't get enough of this.  Dallas is in DC next Sunday.  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE!!!

FANTASY! -  Well, unless Megatron and Pitta combine for negative billion points tonight, I will not execute the coveted three-peat in the LFL.  Lange put up a monster like Mike McD at KGB's place and I got killed because Drew Brees sucked dicks.  I want to wish him well because he beat the best but he cheated to get here so I won't.  You see, we have two handicapped owners in the league and Lange fleeced them both in trades earlier this year.  He picks on the mentally challenged.  That's why I'm rooting for Jeff to win the LFL title next week while I kill Dut for third.  In the MSFL, I SHOULD be OK to make the Super Bowl unless my Bengals do nothing and Tron kills that idiot who called him old.  Again, I SHOULD be OK to face Lil Strut for the Super Bowl there.  We'll see.

That was a good day of football.  What we haven't mentioned yet is that there is a ZERO chance that the Broncos win the Super Bowl this year.  NONE.  I would bet on the Jags to win it all over Denver.  They may win one cold game, but they won't win three.  Just as a reminder, I can not wait to see next week's Cowboys/Redskins game.  First guy to not DERP should get benched on sight.  What's the record for most turnovers in a game?  HAIL!  FUCK DALLAS AKA The Brady of the NFL!

Friday, December 13, 2013

The 8th Annual Weisman Award Goes To...

The Legend.
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has its own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Wiseman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Wiseman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Wiseman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton
2011 – Matt Barkley ROBERT GRIFFIN III
2012 - Manti Te’o

You may notice at some point that I never consistently stick with calling it The Wiseman or The Weisman. That is intentional because old D-Dubs was that forgettable. The spelling of the award has very little to do with the importance so GIVE IT A REST. Anyway, carrying on...

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. After Matt Barkley decided to keep sucking boners in LA over being OVERRATED for the Browns, he was stripped of his Weisman two years ago in favor of someone truly ELITE. We crushed it three years ago with Cammy Cam Cam. We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game in 2008. And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field in 2006. And who could forget the impressive power play by Te’o? Doing the Weisman justice for getting embarrassed mere days after reaching the pinnacle of his life!

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curb-stomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). Basically, I like to award the Weisman to the player that I will remember the most when I think back about the season. It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2013 Weisman Award winner.

Those who are acknowledged but were ultimately not invited:
AJ McCarron – I don’t respect this guy’s on-field talents nearly as much as I probably should but if you bang Katherine Webb, you’re alright by me.

Jerry Kill – For as weird as this guy looks and as horrible as the inside of his body is, the guy is a really good coach and proved it this year. #KILLSTRONG!

Khalil Mack – I have seen him getting mocked as high as pick #8 in this coming NFL Draft and that is really fucking good for someone who plays at Buffalo. We all got a good taste of his greatness on Opening Day when he was the best player on the field at The Shoe and that is not up for debate. He was just as great all season long. You should have seen what he did to the RedHawks. Oh man!

Andre Williams – Fun FACT: I didn’t watch one minute of Boston College football this year so I’m basing this solely on highlights. Their athletic director is a real piece of shit though.

Tre Mason – I just couldn’t do it because he came on so late in the year. I consulted by WAC RB chart (Wins Above Cakes) and he didn’t fair too well. The dude is awesome in the Auburn system but he wasn’t awesome all year. Just as a reminder, Cakes’ RB Rankings are fucking stupid.

Carlos Hyde and Braxton Miller – It’s hard to dominate every week when you don’t play every week. Like I would invite either of these two future garbage men anyway.

The Invitees:
Myles Jack – As a man who respects the great game of football, my wee-wee got rock hard when it found out that some kid was playing RB AND LB for UCLA this season. I have no idea if this is true, but I heard that Jack was going to be named the offensive and defensive freshman of the year in the Pac-12. ELITE.

Jordan Lynch – I’ll invite you to the ceremony for the second year in a row, MAC Tenor, but I won’t forget that stinkbomb you laid in the championship game that cost the conference a TON of money.
Find that dog.  I want to make him my Executive Vice President.
NIU High-Five Dog – OMG this is the most adorable thing ever. This dog defines MACtion. Can UGA do this? I think not. Bevo is a piece of shit compared this husky.

Johnny Football Manziel – He doesn’t really deserve to be here either but someone has to bring the whores and hard drugs to the after-show party.

Stanford Football – I love this in-site meme of ours. It’s better than “FUCK YOU CAKES” and “GIVE IT A REST” in my opinion. You have to respect a style of football that has never lost and never will.

The 2013 Winner of The Money Shot’s Weisman Award is…
Should I rape Wendy Peffercorn?
Jameis Winston – Big shock, I know. I mean, come on, much like tomorrow night, there is no other choice to make. The kid is so far ahead of the field that he played games blind this season. I should remind everyone that The Wiseman does not give a shit about morals and integrity so since Winston wasn’t charged with anything, he was a runaway winner. The more interesting subplot tomorrow night will be who finishes runner-up because no one really deserves it.

Let’s give a big hand to our 2013 Wiseman Award winner, Mr. Jameis Winston! Enjoy your “Grumpy”! Can he challenge the legendary Timothy Richard Tebow as a repeat winner next year? Will he fall victim to some bizarre scandal next week? Will he say in his Heisman acceptance speech tomorrow, “where all the white women at”? Who knows, but that is another year in the books for the Weisman Award: the most coveted trophy in sports.

Before I get out of here for the weekend, a few quick reminders: Don’t forget to DVR the documentary on Clarett and Tress tomorrow night. I’m guessing that it is a comedy. Fuck Lange and Burke/Ide. Next Friday we will host The Commies featuring the illustrious Commenter of the Year Award. I asked Iceman for his input and, needless to say, this year’s winner will not be unanimous. Peace BRAHS!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Still Talking About Nicky SabeCakes To Texas

Cooourse Light!
While I am knee-deep in Weisman Trophy votes before tomorrow’s big reveal, I feel like we can spend the day talking more about Mr. Moose Knuckle himself, Nick Saban, and his future. I know that this isn’t exciting, but it is a little interesting. I mean, this story isn’t as “sexually appealing” to us as the Big Ten Championship Game was to Nicky SabeCakes, but then again, what is? I hope that you all heard that on GameDay because that was a really weird thing to say. I guess that sitting next to Chris Fowler will get even the most frigid man all hot and bothered.

For the record, I don’t think that these “SabeCakes to Texas” rumors are worth shit. Then again, I’m not much of an egomaniac despite my insistence that a statue of my likeness be commissioned and displayed outside of DFL/LFL HQ. If someone is willing to build a statue of you, then you stay with them forever. At the time of this writing, nothing official has been done about Mack Brown. He is still “poised to leave” whatever that means, Brett McMurphy. But it’s always more fun when dudes get fired and the speculation runs rampant. Speculation and baseless rumors are the cornerstones of this site.

Like I said, I’m not buying these rumors but there are some benefits that need to be considered. Like it or not, Texas is THEEEEE program. Texas has their own TV network for fuck’s sake. While owning the SEC for most of a decade is great, it would be way easier to own the Big 12. The fans are probably equally moronic. It would likely be a little easier to make the title playoff at Texas than it would be at Alabama. Winning national titles at LSU, Alabama, and Texas would make him the GOAT if he isn’t considered that already.

But I doubt that it happens. The funny thing is that the Texas coaching wish list (from that Orange Blood site which is usually pretty accurate) is equally delightful.
1. Nicky SabeCakes
2. Urban Frank Meyer III
3. Mike Tomlin
Now there is some potential solid comedy and would draw unlimited LOLZ from butt-hurt fans if any of these three came true. I highly doubt that Urban would even return a phone call to the Texas AD but maybe he’s already grown tired of failing miserably in the Midwest and wants to go back south where he has had his only successes? Maybe he truly detests this god awful fan base? This would be the greatest troll move of all time for Urban to stay here for two years and then shit all over this JV program. It won’t happen ever but, man, that would be some great stuff. I think that Tomlin would be a terrific college coach actually and I doubt that Steelers fans would be all that upset if he left.

But back to Saban, Captain Booger Eater, Paul Feinbaum, is reporting that a contract extension has been on Saban’s desk for a week and is still unsigned so maybe there should be more made of this by me after all. Meh, whatever, Chuck Martin is still better. So let’s spend today wildly speculating and passing off rumors both approved and unapproved by Drooler as credible reports. Who knows—maybe by the time this posts all of this will have already been decided thus making all of my gorgeous writing obsolete and pointless. It’s always a risk that I take in the dangerous lifestyle of blogging. Make sure you tune in tomorrow when the Weisman Award (now in trophy form!) is given to Stanford Football. Whoops—SPOILER ALERT!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

You've Done Enough Now Go

"He just didn't talk Jesse Palmer Announcing."--Stanford Football
Last week, Oregon QB Marcus Mariota announced that he was going to return to school for a fourth year as he wants to earn his degree. That is a very noble and mature stance to take as most people in his position would have sprinted to the guaranteed money awaiting them in the NFL. I feel like every year about this time I write the same post and this year will be no different. Many claim that Mariota is being mature and honorable. I correctly say that his decision was foolish and actually immature. Allow me to explain in a douchey bro way.

Look, BRAH, you are a top 3 pick in the NFL Draft this year and quite possibly #1 overall. I don’t care how much you love Eugene fucking Oregon, you leave it immediately. Look at everyone’s favorite bro, Big Ben, and see that you can get a diploma whenever the fuck you want. You are a running QB with a great arm but you take a lot of hits. Start getting paid cash money to take those hits. M-Double, you would either be going to Houston or St. Louis and I’m sure you could still get plenty of quality trim there compared to the unshaven fembots in Oregon. In conclusion, you are ready yet decided to take the same path as Matt Leinart (the chillest bro!) and Mark Barkley (the gayest boner lover). YOU ARE DUMB. Only a fucktard plays hard-to-get with the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. If they want you, you give it to them like Jameis, SON!

And this goes for everyone who is pondering this same decision. GO. You always go. Never look back until it’s all over and then finish your education. Get the fuck out. It’s cute that you want to stick around and accomplish some sort of team goals at Football University but that is dumb. Why? Because a decision like that puts the institution above yourself and the institution doesn’t give a shit about you. I get that you love your teammates and coaches but they aren’t going to put food on the table for your 15 illegitimate children or mother that can’t keep the heat on western PA. Which leads me to my big point today which is relevant since we’re waiting on his final decision:

Braxton Miller should turn pro.

Is he ready? Nope. But who is? You can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be starting for the Jets or the Texans or the Rams or the Jaguars right now. He might not be great, but he’s better than what those teams have. I know that great Ohio fan bros such as myself will say “that is so dumb FO REAL” but they are only thinking of themselves and not what is best for the player. It's not about that.  It is about assessing the competition and maximizing on your odds.  Let me throw out an analogy to illustrate my point:

You are Braxton (sorry, Ide). You are at Dut’s house for one of his bi-weekly poker nights that have been held once in the last four years. You look around the table and, WOW, it’s Teddy KGBridgewater, Derek Carr, Johnny Football, AJ McCarron, Tajh Boyd, Aaron Murray, Mariota, Mettenberger, and Bryce Petty. This is a loaded and intimidating table. I can understand why you would be nervous. You just keep folding. Then you notice that things are taking shape around you. Mariota and Petty left to go 69. Murray and Mettenberger just busted. No one knows where the fuck Brett Hundley is. Teddy has a huge stack and Carr is just as healthy but you are already aware that third place is your ceiling. You’re just as good if not better than Manziel, McCarron, and Boyd. Who the fuck are they? In your mind, the odds are now in your favor because you KNOW that you are more talented with a better skill set. It’s time to isolate those three and knock them out (at the combine OBVZ).

And that is the point. So many quality guys are either being dumb and going back or can’t walk. QBs always go higher than they probably should in the NFL Draft. If you rock the combine, there is no reason to think that Miller can’t be a second day pick and the third or FOURF taken. Honestly, what the fuck can you improve on with one more year at college anyway? It’s not like your head coach is going to work on your pro skill set. His job is to win games; not prepare you for the NFL. Do you know who is going to make you an NFL QB (if you have it in you)? An NFL coach. Go back to school for one more year behind 4 new OL, average receivers, and RBs that aren’t nearly as good as the one that is gone and what is your ceiling? Third or FOURF QB taken and a 2nd day pick. So make the leap of faith and go.

Let’s be honest here and I know this from current events: QBs that run take a lot of unnecessary hits. It is better to get paid to take those hits on Sunday then to take those hits a day earlier and then go study for AIDS Awareness class. The odds are in Miller’s favor now and they won’t be that way next year with a likely loaded QB class. I know that today’s message isn’t going to be popular and I’m OK with that. Guys that are ready for the pros who don’t jump at the chance are idiots. Marcus Mariota is making a huge mistake (it’s not like he is going to play for a title anyway considering he can’t beat Stanford Football) and someone is going to take advantage of that lapse in judgment. It might as well be the two time Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year.

I’m G$ and I approve this message. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Worst of Week Fourteen Vol.VII

The Yager Stadium of the NFL!
If Mike Shanahan is still the coach of the Redskins today then I will shave my ass and glue the fallout to Seal's head.  I'm sick of this Mickey Mouse show.  Normal teams have bad seasons and just fade away into the offseason.  Not my team!  They make sure to blow cock every Sunday and then make frontpage news the rest of the week high-lighting their dysfunction.  This week, we found out that Shanahan wanted to quit after last season.  You know, the one where we won the division and hosted a playoff game for the first time since 1999?  That one!  But he came back because he didn't want to quit after our QBs injury.  Thanks for your selflessness, Mike, I would have hated not going 3-13 this year while you rake in 7 million dollars.  Life is fair!

Mike Shanahan is a great football coach who might go into the Hall of Fame one day.  I have supported him for 3+ years now.  But you know what, fuck him.  Fire his fucking ass.  HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN FIRED YET?  HE is the one who leaked that story about leaving.  Who else would?  He is the one that announced that the season was over last year after a 3-6 start.  He quit then and he hasn't tried since.  We went on that bananas run in spite of him.  And now he's not naming a starting QB this week because he is worried about RG3's health!  FUCK THIS GUY.  Again, HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN FIRED YET?

Don't get me wrong, I will almost always blame Dan Snyder for everything.  But this year isn't on him.  It isn't on Griffin.  This is ALL on Mike Shanahan because he hasn't given one fuck about this organization and it's all because he's jealous that the franchise QB is more popular than him.  One more time, fuck that guy and fire that asshole.  On to the worst (the Redskins show up again)...

Jeff Triplette - This guy is the worst referee in the game and he should be fired immediately.  He completely botched the final 2 minutes of the Skins/Giants game last Sunday because he didn't want to take the time to get a call right and yesterday he gave the Bengals a touchdown for no reason at all.  Seriously, Law Firm was tripped and he was short of the goal line.  EVERYONE saw that.  Well, except for one guy.  This hick sucks.  More Booger, less Triplette.  Also, the Colts are trash.

Adrian Peterson and The Honey Badger and Rob Gronkowski - Ya'll bros are DEAD!!!  That should swing quite a few fantasy playoffs (including mine!  YAY!).

The Snow - Normally, I like games in the elements but Sunday was just horrible.  That was just awful to watch.  Fix your weather, east coast.  Granted, most of those snow games ended in incredible fashion so I should probably just stop complaining like a little bitch.

The Redskins - What a fucking joke.  This entire franchise is total shit from top (Dan Snyder's wallet) to bottom (everything else about Dan Snyder).  He is the worst owner in sports.  The players have all quit.  That coaching absolutely awful.  Just watch the punt return and kickoff return touchdowns that they gave up (which is mighty impressive).  No one tried to make a tackle.  Pathetic. I'm done.  I love this fucked-up team too much to watch shit this bad.  What I'm trying to say is, "I'm gettin' too old for this shit".

Jerome Booger - Hey!  Speaking of poop-dick officiating, that PI call on McFadden which led to a miracle Patriots win was such garbage.  We need to change the PI rule to 15 yards.  Spot fouls are ridiculous.  That was a very Browns way to lose.  I'm sure that it will inspire another thousand YouTube fan videos about how awful their life is.  Those videos have jumped the shark.  GIVE IT A REST.

Aqib Talib - He has shut down pretty much everyone this season but not Josh Gordon.  I don't get it.  The Browns have zero weapons outside of Gordon.  Why is he not being double-teamed on EVERY play?  That doesn't make a lick of sense to me.  Gordon is a stud...let's just hope that he can keep his piss clean.

Pretty much everyone on the Lions not named Jeremy Ross - That was a strong garbage showing by the NFC North leaders.  6 fumbles!  8000 rushing yards given up!  In a game and climate where it is obvious that you can't pass the ball, how can you let Shady just gash you over and over again?  I just don't get it.  Nice weekend, Drooler.

Reggie Bush - Is there a more Reggie Bush thing to do than getting hurt in warm-ups due to slipping on the snow?  Other than taking money from boosters, I say no.

Antonio Brown - LOLOLOLOL!!!  What a dumbass!  It's a little more than fitting that the Steelers season ends on a sideline issue a week after Mike Tomlin is an idiot on the sideline.  Karma BRAH!  What amazing field awareness of Brown.  He didn't learn that in the MAC.

Defenses in the Vikings/Ravens game - It led to Johnny BRAH being near tears on the sideline.  He's going to hear about that display of pussydom at Christmas.  Even Crean Pie will probably give him the business.  Bananas finish and made me jealous of the Vikings because at least they are still trying which is more than I can say about my racists.

Eli Manning - Still sucks and the Giants have been eliminated from the postseason much like they were 8 weeks ago.  Earlier last week, Eli was asked if he remembers why he was a baby and did not want to play in San Diego.  He said that he did not remember which makes sense because he is Simple Jack.  I think it was more because NYC has an FAO Schwartz.

Wes Welker - DEAD!  Two concussions in three weeks!  Denver needs to put up one of those Reggie Ray Concussions Left Before Dying countdowns on their scoreboard.

Rusty Wilson - FUCK YOU!  ANYONE could do your job.  You have the best healthy RB in the game and a drug-addled defense.  Please stop acting like Wilson makes them tick, lamestream media, because he does not.  He's good.  He isn't great.  He lost to a real BRAH.  Good day for the BRAHs!

Richard Sherman - I still hate this guy so much and it really pisses me off when he does that "you so crazy" motion on the field.  The 49ers only beat you because of bad calls, eh?  As a Stanford man, you could have at least blamed the loss on not playing Stanford Football.

Cam Newton - I still think that the Panthers are a good bet for January and it's hard to win in NOLA, but the guy still blew.  He must not have found the right lucky stick of gum.

FANTASY! - I had no meaningful games this week but I was able to end my G$FL season on a nice note by caving in Ide's asshole.  It gets real this coming week as I face the crooked commish in the LFL (Dut vs. Jeff in the other AKA The Gay Orange Bowl) and it doesn't matter at all who I get in the MSFL between Burke/Ide and Nate (LS vs. Prime in the other semi).

In conclusion, you know it's gotten serious when I'm thinking things like "I wish that Jim Haslett was our interim coach".  Mike Shanahan is clearly trying to get fired and the team hates him so FIRE HIM ALREADY.  Jesus, who would have ever thought that Snyder would be too slow to shit can an asshole?

Monday, December 09, 2013

College Football Conference Championship Week

Perfect Christmas gift for that special Buckeye fan in your life

SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKERS!  Bet you didn't expect to get the Iceman today.  Strap in, tit sacks.  Today is gonna be fuuuuuuun.  No pussy footing around with an intro.  Let's get down to fucking business.


On the banks of the Red Cedar, there's a school that's known to all;
Its specialty is winning and those Spartans play good ball;
Spartan teams are never beaten, all through the game they fight;
Fight for the only colors, Green and White.

Go right through for MSU, watch the points keep growing;
Spartan teams are bound to win, they're fighting with a vim!
See their team is weakening, We're going to win this game;
Victory for MSU!

So I guess Urban Meyer IS capable of losing football games.  After all of the BROhio chest pounding and misplaced confidence, Ohio just turned out to be limp dicked premature ejaculators in the end.  Oh man did G$ ever Cakes the shit out of you fuck bags!  Top troll of 2013, my friends.  Social media was the most peaceful it's ever been after all of you God damn cowards went the way of Notre Dame fans circa last year's national championship game and disappeared back into your own vaginas.  You didn't even have the STREMPH to troll on my Facebook status like you're normally so quick to do.  Just complete silence.  What's the matter??  Not much to say after being insufferable cock wads for the last 2 years?  You faggots did this to yourselves and you deserve every last ounce of shit that comes your way.  I can't even single one person out, as much as I could love to do that.  All of you have been the worst.  The weird thing is every last one of you will probably revel in all of the backlash because Dildo Nation gets off on everyone hating them and shit talking them.  It's like some gay fucking boy scout badge you proudly wear.

Saturday was such a beautiful thing and I wish I would have hung around Cakes' place long enough to watch him lock himself in the bedroom for the rest of the night.  It's going to be awesome and hilarious to see all of the dick shining you shit stains toss Dantonio's way in an attempt to gloss over this embarrassment because he used to be a Buckeye.  And I CAN'T WAIT! to hear the excuses flow.  Because that's what you fucking losers do best.  Make excuses.  Well, that and cry tears from your pussies.  The fact is that despite the smoke and mirrors and that fraudulent #2 ranking, you were never a legitimate championship caliber team and that was finally proven Saturday.  A very average offensive team...and that's being generous...blasted your sorry asses for 34 big ones.  Imagine what Jameis "RapeEscape" Winston would have tuned you up for.  Nice defense, Rich Rod.  Start handing the skirts out.  You guys are Oregon lite.  Soft and turd-like.  Hey!  Remember how Minnesota held Sparty to 14 points last week?  Jerry Kill > Urban Meyer.  Seizures > Fake Heart Attacks.  Ohio is officially everything that you hated about other teams that were "unfairly" ranked ahead of you.  So in the end...I guess you CAN'T hang with anyone in the country if you can't even win your own garbage conference.  Glad we finally buried that nasty rumor that Ohio fans have been incorrectly broadcasting for months.  Go crawl back into your fucking holes and wait to choke again next year.  Now...cue up the deflection to Michigan and how poor of a season they had and/or how bitter their fans are in a sad attempt to take the focus off of absolutely shitting the bed on Saturday.  Something else you guys are really, really good at.

Believe it or not, there were other games this past weekend too.  Florida State predictably waxed Duke's ass Saturday.  It was a close one for a little while...then the second quarter started and RapeEscape Winston decided to put a death grip on the Heisman trophy race.  Still the dumbest trophy in all of sports.

ROLL ALONG!  YOU BG WARRIORS!  ROLL ALONG AND FIGHT FOR B! G! S! U!  Talk about some MACTION!  Eh, whatever.  I'm not gonna sit here and pretend to know shit about Bowling Green football.  I don't.  All I know is that now the Northern IlliNOISE head coach can shut his fucking toilet about Jordan Lynch being in the Heisman talk.  I will say it was pretty cool to see my Alma Mater win the MAC...but I'm not going to celebrate it like I'm this humongous fan of their sports teams.  I bet some STDs were spread like wildfire that night though!

So much for defense in the ESS EEE SEE championship game.  Looked like two fucking Arena Football league teams slugging it out.  While Wheelz and I were eating our dinner at this shit hole known as Paddy Jacks, I overheard some cunt faced Ohio fan pissing and moaning about how they should just call the national championship the SEC championship game.  And how there's this big conspiracy going on to get an SEC team in the national championship game every year.  Take the fucking tin foil hat off, lunatic.  Anyway, Auburn vs. FSU should be a good one.

Baylor should be kicking themselves in the dick right about now.  One bad game away from playing for the national championship.  I didn't watch any of this game but I see they played Texas.  And since Texas can't decide from week to week if they want to be ranked or not, I imagine it wasn't a very tough game for the Bears.  I also bet Case McCoy tried feeling up some of the Baylor players.  He just reminds me of that gay Prince Edward dude from Braveheart.

I see Oklahoma State really capitalized on the momentum of blasting Baylor last week.  Way to piss in your faces against your instate rival.  I bet Justin BlackMAN was so angry over this loss he ripped through a case of Olde English.  Lesbehonest...like Justin BlackMAN really needs a reason to get gassed on 40s of OE.  It being Monday is a good enough reason for him to get cranked.

Stanford FINALLY went back to playing Stanford football to cap off an undefeated season of playing Stanford football.  Somehow they're getting over looked for a chance to play the only other unbeaten college football team, Florida State.  I would be outraged if I were a Stanford Cardinal fan right now.  I mean...what else do you have to do, outside of playing Stanford football, to get a chance to scrap it out in a national championship game?!  I guess just a regular ol' BCS game will have to do.  That BCS system...buncha fuckin monsters I tell ya.

That will do it for this special Monday edition of college football.  The comments should be extra periody and whiny today so bring your maxi pads and rain coats.  There's nothing quite as entertaining as the butt hurt Fuckeye fan.  An extra hearty FUCK YOU CAKES!!!!