|^^^Scored so much ass^^^|
The reason for today’s post is because my nephews constantly have hairdos that piss me off and I always complain about them to the missus. The one time that I saw them with the dreaded “Bama Bangs” was the last straw. I nearly shaved their heads while they slept. That hair style sucks SO MUCH and is ruining America.
Unfortunately, I was never permitted to grow a mullet or showcase a terrific rat tail. The rat tail might be the greatest hair style ever invented for comedic purposes. If you had a rat tail at some point in your life, hold your head up high today and share it with us in the comments. I am positive that you got laid daily even if you were 6. I also never got to rock the “neg burns” or “Cool Cut” as it was referred to at Central Middle School (Home of The Snake Pit!). I haven’t seen Nathan Miller in a few years but when I do again, I will make fun of the Cool Cut that he had 20+ years ago. I’m a real hit at parties. Let’s get started.
The Flat Top – Ah yes, the old Johnny U ‘do. This was a haircut that you could set your watch to, eh, Abe Simpson? I used to go to a barber who was a veteran so this is probably all that he knew how to do with hair. I can only imagine how absurd I would look today with a flat top.
The Spike – I feel like this was my go-to style throughout elementary school. I don’t know why exactly. 8 year olds who look like they just jammed a paper clip into an outlet is not a good look.
Cat Scratches – NOW WE’RE TALKING! Who didn’t demand cat scratches when they were young? Terrorists—that’s who! Man, these were sweet. You could get by with two but the cool kids had three. Three was key. Any more than three and you were a show-off and it looked tacky. Black dudes tend to still give themselves cat scratches and I am jealous of them so very much.
The Bull/Bowl Cut – I don’t exactly know what it’s called but you all remember what it is as it was probably THEE most popular hair style of the early 90’s at middle schools. It always looked terrible. Shave two or three inches on the side and do very little to the top! DO NOT BLEND IT IN, DAMMIT! My guess is that 99% of Kitty Cat basketball had a bull cut. Even the officials. This style will NEVER be popular again.
Numeral Shavings – To go along with the horrible bull cut look, occasionally you would see guys with things shaved into the back of their head. Ugh, this happened to me, too. Damman, Hoffman, The Convicted Felon, and myself were playing in a 3 on 3 basketball tournament at The University of Toledo in Savage Hall and we all decided to shave our numbers into our skulls. This was SO DUMB. It’s probably why one of us went on to a life of dealing drugs. He just couldn’t get over having that number shaved into his head. A bull cut with the number 4 shaved in my head…I am the worst.
The Hardened Part – Thank God that I eventually got over my love of shitty haircuts and went for a normal look. By normal, I mean 90’s normal, which was an extreme side part held in place by 4 gallons of hair gel. Jimmy Johnson was jealous of the mega strong hold in my part. I went through a thing of gel every week.
The Surfer Dude – In high school, I decided that I wanted to grow my hair out which meant a center part and hair falling down around my ears on both sides. It looked TERRIBLE. My stupid hair looked like the roof of a church steeple. After a freshmen basketball game, my mom told me that we were going to get my hair cut because my dad was tired of me looking like an asshole out there during my 4 minutes of burn. I was pissed at the time but he was TOTES right. That was a fucktarded decision by teenage me. To be fair though, that longer hair really hid my forehead acne. I feel like Iceman rocked this look for a long time because he sucks.
The BRAH – We have reached the conclusion of this post with my favorite hair style: The BRAH. I did this in college my Senior year and it was awesome. I didn’t get my haircut at all that year and just let it grow. Since I wore a hat all the time, I developed some ELITE wings around my ears and the back started to curl up as well. It was awesome. It really worked well with my beard. I looked like such a rapist. I loved it. I was so hairy. I pretty much resembled a chunky Jesus. My mom made me cut it for graduation and that was a sad day. Now, I can’t go three weeks without being annoyed by how long my hair is getting. Aging sucks.
And that leads us to the present where I am in the business world and have settled on the haircut that I will probably get every month until the day that I die: “1 on the sides, blend it in, and finger length up top”. So disappointing. But I think that we can have some fun today laughing at ourselves and especially at others. I would give my left nut to find out that Dut had a rat tail.