Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Thick, Lustrous Hair Is Very Important To Me

^^^Scored so much ass^^^
I’m not going to lie: I am a big fan of this post. If you can read (not a certainty), this should bring up some ELITE memories from your childhood. I won’t mention any names because they already live with the shame, but not all of us are blessed with cooperative hair follicles these days. That’s fine. I’m sure that you make up for it in other ways (like being an asshole to everyone). You weren’t always sticking your dome in the Shine-O Ball-O though. At one point you had hair. And I am willing to bet that at some point in our lives, we all were blessed with a terrible haircut. Today, we will take a stroll down memory lane and analyze all of those ELITE hair styles from our youths and laugh at the absurdity. Keep in mind, at some time in my 32 years of existence, I have worn all of the styles listed below.

The reason for today’s post is because my nephews constantly have hairdos that piss me off and I always complain about them to the missus. The one time that I saw them with the dreaded “Bama Bangs” was the last straw. I nearly shaved their heads while they slept. That hair style sucks SO MUCH and is ruining America.

Unfortunately, I was never permitted to grow a mullet or showcase a terrific rat tail. The rat tail might be the greatest hair style ever invented for comedic purposes. If you had a rat tail at some point in your life, hold your head up high today and share it with us in the comments. I am positive that you got laid daily even if you were 6. I also never got to rock the “neg burns” or “Cool Cut” as it was referred to at Central Middle School (Home of The Snake Pit!). I haven’t seen Nathan Miller in a few years but when I do again, I will make fun of the Cool Cut that he had 20+ years ago. I’m a real hit at parties. Let’s get started.

The Flat Top – Ah yes, the old Johnny U ‘do. This was a haircut that you could set your watch to, eh, Abe Simpson? I used to go to a barber who was a veteran so this is probably all that he knew how to do with hair. I can only imagine how absurd I would look today with a flat top.

The Spike – I feel like this was my go-to style throughout elementary school. I don’t know why exactly. 8 year olds who look like they just jammed a paper clip into an outlet is not a good look.

Cat Scratches – NOW WE’RE TALKING! Who didn’t demand cat scratches when they were young? Terrorists—that’s who! Man, these were sweet. You could get by with two but the cool kids had three. Three was key. Any more than three and you were a show-off and it looked tacky. Black dudes tend to still give themselves cat scratches and I am jealous of them so very much.

The Bull/Bowl Cut – I don’t exactly know what it’s called but you all remember what it is as it was probably THEE most popular hair style of the early 90’s at middle schools. It always looked terrible. Shave two or three inches on the side and do very little to the top! DO NOT BLEND IT IN, DAMMIT! My guess is that 99% of Kitty Cat basketball had a bull cut. Even the officials. This style will NEVER be popular again.

Numeral Shavings – To go along with the horrible bull cut look, occasionally you would see guys with things shaved into the back of their head. Ugh, this happened to me, too. Damman, Hoffman, The Convicted Felon, and myself were playing in a 3 on 3 basketball tournament at The University of Toledo in Savage Hall and we all decided to shave our numbers into our skulls. This was SO DUMB. It’s probably why one of us went on to a life of dealing drugs. He just couldn’t get over having that number shaved into his head. A bull cut with the number 4 shaved in my head…I am the worst.

The Hardened Part – Thank God that I eventually got over my love of shitty haircuts and went for a normal look. By normal, I mean 90’s normal, which was an extreme side part held in place by 4 gallons of hair gel. Jimmy Johnson was jealous of the mega strong hold in my part. I went through a thing of gel every week.

The Surfer Dude – In high school, I decided that I wanted to grow my hair out which meant a center part and hair falling down around my ears on both sides. It looked TERRIBLE. My stupid hair looked like the roof of a church steeple. After a freshmen basketball game, my mom told me that we were going to get my hair cut because my dad was tired of me looking like an asshole out there during my 4 minutes of burn. I was pissed at the time but he was TOTES right. That was a fucktarded decision by teenage me. To be fair though, that longer hair really hid my forehead acne. I feel like Iceman rocked this look for a long time because he sucks.

The BRAH – We have reached the conclusion of this post with my favorite hair style: The BRAH. I did this in college my Senior year and it was awesome. I didn’t get my haircut at all that year and just let it grow. Since I wore a hat all the time, I developed some ELITE wings around my ears and the back started to curl up as well. It was awesome. It really worked well with my beard. I looked like such a rapist. I loved it. I was so hairy. I pretty much resembled a chunky Jesus. My mom made me cut it for graduation and that was a sad day. Now, I can’t go three weeks without being annoyed by how long my hair is getting. Aging sucks.

And that leads us to the present where I am in the business world and have settled on the haircut that I will probably get every month until the day that I die: “1 on the sides, blend it in, and finger length up top”. So disappointing. But I think that we can have some fun today laughing at ourselves and especially at others. I would give my left nut to find out that Dut had a rat tail.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Road to the Candy Final Four

I won't tell you how long this took.....okay, it was 2 hours.

So a couple of week ago something odd, yet fucking awesome happened.  You guys probably didn't know this about me but I'm a candy addict.  Candy for me is black tar heroin for a hard narcotics junkie and it's why I can't fully shed these luscious man tits.  It's my gift and my curse.  I'm not sure how man tits are a gift...I just like using that phrase.  Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I decided to have a late night session with a Butterfinger and tweeted about how sexually amazing it was.  The next 30 minutes sparked a heated candy debate between myself, Ace, my brother Jordan and a few others.

Then the wheels started turning.  We needed resolution to this debate.  We needed to find the most dominate candy and the only way I knew how was tournament style in the same manner college basketball crowns a champion.  Now, you're probably all thinking..."There's no way in fucking hell Iceman really took the time to map out a field of 64 on a blank bracket he printed from the Internet with candy seedings and everything."  Prepare yourselves, because that's precisely what I did.  It took fucking forever but when it was all over it was probably the most fun I've had writing any blog entry.  So here's what I did.

I split the candy into 4 categories.  Hard Candy, Chewy Candy, Chocolate with Peanut Butter/Nuts and Miscellaneous Chocolate.  Then I took the 16 best candies from each category and properly seeded them 1 through 16.  There was a random draw to see who was placed in each bracket in order to keep things as fair as possible.  That way each candy had to show up with their "A" game for every contest.  You couldn't just throw your wrapper on the court and expect some mid major like Lemonheads to lay down like a dead fish.  Whoever was the best candy won the match up.  Simple as that.  I won't break down every single match up in every single bracket.  I'll just paste the picture of each region and give highlights of how it went down.

Midwest Region

The big upset in this bracket was 3 Musketeers over Fun Dip.  An even bigger upset was how I misspelled 3 Musketeers on the bracket sheet.  Dumb shit.  Fun Dip is a huge staple in the prison rape world so I was shocked it was first rounded with almost no fight.  No surprise here that Zagnut was the 16 seed.  A candy that people know only because of it's cameo in Beetlejuice was never going to be a promising tourney team.  Take 5 making the Final Four shouldn't be as surprising as it looks on paper even though Starbursts did give them a 2nd round scare.  Take 5 was overshadowed all year by the power teams like Snickers Peanut Butter and Butterfinger...always favorites to win that conference.  Milky Way losing in the Sweet 16 to Gobstopper shouldn't come as a huge surprise.  Milky Way played a weak non conference and when it came down to it, how satisfying is just chocolate and caramel?  Their one dimensional style of play finally caught up to them.

West Region

Reese Cups benefited from the luxury of playing in a power conference with a fierce non conference schedule during the season and will represent the West bracket.  The fact that they have a coach with a championship pedigree with several upperclassmen returning from last year's Final Four squad really showed up on the court en route to knocking off a deep, talented Butterfinger team.  As an encore they edged out arguably the most talented team in this tournament the very next round when they beat Twix in triple OT.  Nerds just was not prepared for this tournament and it showed by dropping a first round heart breaker to a Mounds team made of dark chocolate and coconut.  Sad end to a disappointing season for Nerds.  The two teams from the Heads state (Airheads and Warheads) were both complete duds as expected, validating the questions of why they were even seeded in this tournament.

South Region

Good and Plenty made tournament history twice this year.  First for being the first candy almost universally hated by everyone to make the round of 64.  And second for losing their first round game by the largest margin in tournament history.  That's what you get for being the nastiest candy on the planet, I suppose.  Swedish Fish really took advantage of some of the easier match ups in this tournament and punched their ticket to the ELITE 8.  And they were yet another team this committee managed to misspell.  Fuck me in the goat ass.  Pay Day was heralded as a sleeper pick by nearly everyone going into this tournament but ran into a buzz-saw in the form of a determined Pretzel M&M squad that can score it on the offensive end and really clamp down on defense.  We really expected more out of Snickers in this tournament.  They were just the unlucky recipient of a tough draw.

East Region

This was by far the most brutal region of this tournament.  So many familiar faces and former champions littered throughout.  Sour Patch Kids surprised a few people by making it to the Sweet 16.  Making the roof of people's mouth raw like road rash is ultimately what did this highly UNDERRATED team in.  Twizzlers was a bust team in almost everyone's bracket this year but they quieted most of their critics by making a solid run into the ELITE 8.  They may never win a title but they did a lot to repair their reputation with this year's tournament run.  Tootsie and Blow Pops merging schools did nothing to help their cause this year, as expected.  Just not enough talent on either team when they combined.  Snickers PB, the number one overall tournament seed, advancing to the Final 4 was expected although no one expected them to struggle against Twix Peanut Butter the way they did.  It took four late game free throws to ice it in the end.  Look for this Twix PB team to make an even deeper run next year if they can convince their highly sought after Freshman to return for his Sophomore year.

Final Four

Pretzel M&M vs. Snickers Peanut Butter
People said there was a chance it could happen.  Snickers PB had a tendency all year to fall asleep during stretches of big games with the idea they could turn it on when it mattered.  It finally caught up to them at the worst possible moment.  Pretzel M&M played an almost perfect game with sound fundamentals throughout.  A perfect combination of salty and sweet was the difference in the end.

Take 5 vs. Reese Cups
Despite being the higher seed, most thought this young Take 5 team would struggle against such an experienced Reese Cups team.  The bright lights of the big stage seemed to take control of the younger, more inexperienced Take 5 squad from the opening tip.  Take 5 went down double digits early and were never able to recover.  In the end, Reese Cups was able to run their peanut butter and chocolate offense with methodical brilliance and impressive ease.

It was widely thought that Reese Cups was unfairly seeded as a 6 seed.  It seemed they were penalized not because of what they did as a team, but because of the excitement building around the other promising teams in their conference.  People sort of forgot about Reese Cups and it appeared they preferred it that way by always playing each game with a noticeable chip on their shoulder.  Pretzel M&M put forth a heroic effort in this tight championship match but in the end simple, delicious and original will almost always win out.  Congratulations to our 2013 Candy Tournament Champion, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

So there it is.  Our official candy champion.  Going into this tournament I was the same as all the others.  I never gave Reese's Cups a shot.  But just like in the NCAA tournament, it all comes down to seeding and Reese's had some very favorable match ups.  But let's not take anything away from the Cups because they are a deserving champion.  They're simple, delicious and I cannot remember a single time in my entire life I've ever turned down a Reese Cup when given the chance to eat one.  That was huge for me.  So what do you guys think?  Fair?  Unfair?  Snubs?  Seeding issues?  Do I have too much fucking time on my hands?  Let the debate begin while I continue on my path to eventual diabetes.

Monday, July 29, 2013

His Judgment Cometh And That Right Soon

Oh man, imagine if this ends with that
I know that we all hate talking about steroids but until something else takes center stage among sports talk, then we will be forced to keep talking about it (unless you want to laugh at Johnny Football getting kicked out of a Texas frat party over the weekend probably because he was wearing a Timmy Tens Jets jersey LOL).  But from what I've been hearing, at some point this week, MLB will bring the thunder down on A-Rod.  If you thought that the A-Rod drama couldn't get any more insane, just wait because it is about to get a whole lot more bizarre.

As I've said many times before, I don't particularly care about PEDs.  If you take them and get away with it, good for you.  Bobby Heenan would be proud.  However, if you get caught, you sure as shit better fess up to it.  Scorching the earf is a horrible plan of attack and it is why everyone hates Ryan Braun and Lance Armstrong.  Apologizing now is too little, too late, fuckos. 

I'm not sure exactly what Bud Selig can do to Rodriguez.  You know that he would love to ban him for life.   I doubt that that can happen though.  The problem is that no matter what punishment is levied down on The Centaur, I'm not sure that it will do all that much to curb future steroid use.  I say that just based on cash money.  These guys clearly don't give a fuck about their legacy, the kiddies, or the integrity of the game.   You take steroids to get to the show and to get paid.  Period.  The Brewers still owe Ryan Braun, even after the 65 game suspension is up, over 100 million dollars.  And he is going to see every penny of that.  Melky Cabrera was popped in a free agent year last season and signed a 16 million dollar deal anyway over the winter.  So how exactly are they supposed to rid the game of PEDs when the only thing that you are actually taking away is the possibility of going into Cooperstown some day?

That's the tricky part.  These punishments handed down need to actually have teeth.  I wouldn't mind if he were banned for life but that's purely for selfish reasons.  We need to get out from that horrible contract anyway.  I heard Ron Darling on Mike Lupica's radio show yesterday morning (surprisingly not THAT bad because you don't have to look at his stupid rat face) and I thought that it was a great plan of attack and something that the union may be able to talk themselves into.

The suspensions remain the same with 50-100-lifetime ban.  I agree with this simply because you could fail one test by mistake.  Here's where it gets good though.  If you fail one time, your contract is semi-voided in that you have to play the next season at the league minimum.  Whoa!  THAT could stop this dead in its tracks.  I like this idea.  Do you think that Braun would have done 'roids if he was at risk to lose 25 million dollars?  Maybe he would have anyway, but that has some bite.

I've also been thinking about why we only care or are told to care about baseball players shooting up.  Redskins starting DE Jarvis Jenkins just got nailed over the weekend and will sit out the first four games along with OLB Rob Jackson (professional Tony Romo interceptor) who was already popped earlier this summer.  These are two very valuable contributors to my favorite team's defense.  Yet I don't care.  We'll figure it out.  The same can be said about Von Miller who is laughing about his suspension for failing a weed test.  Why do we not care about the cheaters in football but we do in baseball?  Sure, the media tells us that we should feel this way as football writers don't give a shit while baseball writers will forever have their heads up their asses.  Is it more than that though?  Do we just expect that big neanderthals are on something because we love bone-crunching hits more than we do the long ball? 

The simple answer is that baseball records actually mean something while no one cares about football records.  That is a FACT that can't be ignored.  But I'd love to hear some opinions on this.  One thing is certain, though, and that is if you thought that the Braun drama was fun (LOL Aaron Rodgers losing a friend and being in debt to a Twitter guy) then get ready for the ELITE roller coaster ride to Hell that The Centaur is about to take us on.  As always, discussion about anything is welcomed in the comments just in case no one wants to talk about PEDs again.  Be sure to show up tomorrow when hopefully Iceman has some ELITE tales from his bachelor party weekend.

Friday, July 26, 2013

A-Hole Of The Week Returns!

For today’s quick post, we’re going back to the sometimes-used feature, Asshole of the Week. Obviously we don’t do this every week, but it is more frequent than Dut’s bi-weekly poker night (has been held once in the past four years which makes sense coming from someone who says that running a fantasy football league is hard which it is TOTES not). But I digress. Here are the nominees for an All-MLB edition of Asshole of the Week:

Ryan Braun – Duh. I guess that his 100% innocence was not as 100% as he once thought. He receives nomination because he pulled a Lance One Nut and totally ruined that urine sample collector’s life even though that guy was right all along. I guarantee that he will never receive an apology from Big Brawn: Feminine Napkins (ELITE SNL parody commercial).

Buster Olney – I like Buster a lot but when you actually go on TV and say that Braun should apologize to the 2011 Arizona Diamondbacks team then you are a dipshit.  What are they supposed to say anyway?  I forgive you?

Matt Kemp – Of course he wants that 2011 MVP that he didn’t win. What a puss.

Alex Rodriguez – A-Rod was due to come off the DL on Monday but suffered some sort of quad strain over the weekend. His doctor revealed on Wednesday that there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with his quad. Terrific! He’s making up fake injuries while he waits for the ax to fall on his head. I’m predicting a full year. A-Rod apparently vows to fight the forthcoming suspension which will be hilarious.  This entire situation/battle between Rodriguez and the Yankees is equal parts bizarre and LOLZ.  What other company would prefer to pay someone 100 million dollars as long as they never saw him again?

Brandon Phillips – I’m not sure if you guys caught this, but Dat Dude has said recently that he was pissed that the Reds gave Joey Votto 200 million last year and he only received 75. He didn’t think it was necessary to re-sign Votto while he the first baseman still had 2 years left on his contract and he feels cheated by his deal.

Who is the Asshole of the Week? I’m giving it to Phillips (Tonya loves him and, you know, fuck her). You make 8 figures a year. Shut the fuck up. Votto makes more than you because he is better than you. Period. What kind of horrible teammate calls out the guy playing next to him on the field about his contract? That’s some big time pussy shit. That has NOTHING to do with BP. Make your choices in the comments. Not baseball-related but Johnny Football crying on SEC Media Day about how busy he’s been and how the travel has been a grind and then hopping a flight to the ESPYs is AotW worthy, for sure. See you all on Monday.

Almost forgot that this weekend is Iceman's bachelor party up at PIB.  Let's hope that he gets alcohol poisoning!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Of Course They Would Trade Their Hatred For Handouts

Ribs unite all.
I am off work the next two days and will be out on an area baseball diamond feeling up teenage boys instead of in front of a computer so these aren’t going to be very long. You’ll live. So I’m tasked with the tough…uh, task of coming up with a topic that I will not need to facilitate. This is going to be tough. NOT! Count it.

College football is probably the shadiest sport out there when you factor in scumbag players, scumbag coaches, scumbag boosters, and Ohio Buckeye Fans. There always seems to be a dark cloud over the sport due to scandal, Johnny Football chicanery, Catholic scissor lift murders, Roll Damn Tiding trees, or catfish hoaxes. So it is nice and refreshing when we can celebrate the true good guys of the sport.

That good guy—wait, GREAT guy—is none other than The Hokester, Brady Hoke. How could any of us forget that adorable 12 year old Fuckeye fan who named his cancer after “That Team Up North”? Did he “beat Michigan”? Oh you damn skippy he beat Michigan. The story made the world smile because it reinforced all of our opinions that Ohio fans are all just dumber versions of BradyCakes.

Earlier this week, our favorite high-voiced Mike Golic doppelganger reached out to the Reed family and congratulated the boy for triumphing over that shitty disease. He took the joke in stride and offered the family 4 tickets to the most OVERRATED rivalry in sports this November. The dad and son even remarked that maybe WE ON aren’t so bad after all which makes the Reeds a bunch of FAKE FANS.

Hoke didn’t have to do this. No one told him to insert himself into this cute story. But he did it because he’s a good fucking dude and deserves some props for his empathy. Good for him.

On the contrary, King Buttfucker has spent his week interviewing bail bondsmen and negotiating suspensions with his expansive collection of felons. I wonder if all of the legal issues is counted against his allotted hours that Urb’s daughters allow him to work. Pussy. 

In conclusion, The Hokester rules because he says his prayers and takes his vitamins. Urban Meyer taught Aaron Hernandez how to be a serial killer just like Harry taught Dexter. I suppose that that makes Gene Smiff Deb because everyone hates him and he’s terrible at his job. Let me work on that analogy some more. And fuck Ohio. I’ll be back some time this afternoon to make sure that no one has shit on the commenting floor. Stay civil.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Open Forum: Fast Food

KATE UPTON COMPLETELY NAKED...that will help with web traffic today
Last Friday, I had the pleasure of sitting in the Wendy’s drive-thru for 20 minutes like a fatty fat fat in order to try out that new pretzel bun bacon cheeseburger thing that is this month’s special. It was a tremendous decision on my part as my patience was rewarded with quite possibly the best fast food burger of all time. Seriously, this thing is greasy as fuck (because the ELITE pretzel bun doesn’t absorb for shit) but it is SO good. I recommend it. I recommend it a lot. That said, we’ve been foreshadowing this day for months and years but it is finally here. We’re going to talk fast food today.
Now I really have no idea how this post should work. I don’t feel like ranking any of these chains because none of them are worthy of being the best. If I did this right, this would be a post that is six thousand words and would give all of us a heart attack by the end. So maybe we’ll just list a bunch of “restaurants” and do a little bio section for each and then maybe at the end I’ll say which one is the best. A couple of things:
*we’re sticking with national chains
*fuck it, I’m only talking about what I see in Ohio
*Prime can jack off to Jack In The Box on his own time—Larry David loves the Jumbo Jack though
*Obviously, the two best are In-N-Out and Kewpee in (Jose) Lima, OH but they won’t make the list today
*Five Guys does not count. You need a drive-thru window to be evaluated today…let’s begin

McDonald’s – We might as well start with the big dog. They have really good fries, the breakfast is the best, their coffee and shakes are good, and the burgers are better than average (Big Macs still taste terrific every once in a while). But the Filet-O-Fish is the worst sandwich ever invented, their chicken blows, and they never have shamrock shakes when I want them. Plus, I have banned myself from ever going to the one near my house because they are only staffed by the tardiest of all fucktards and I once got into a screaming match with the drive-thru microphone at 2 AM. She$ once went through the same place and was told that they were out of ice. OUT OF ICE! That place sucks. Dynamite frappes though…seriously.

Wendy’s – They charge the shit out of their customers but you can do that when you produce quality products. As a fan of the dollar menu anywhere, it saddens me greatly that Wendy’s has pretty much done away with theirs. The spicy chicken is always a solid order and the burgers are usually pretty good (along with the chili) but the fries are ass and frostys do nothing for me. Hopefully, Burke will stop by and sing the praises of the late Bacon Mushroom Melt (or Bizzitty Mizzitty Mizzitty as he used to call it because he is a chach). Wendy’s will always be a great place to take a date but they need to pump their brakes on their prices.

Burger King – I don’t know what happened to these guys or when but pretty much everything at BK is inedible these days. They should probably try to use vegetables on their sandwiches that aren’t already rotten. That would be a good start. They have the greatest onion ring sauce ever (which helps mask the terrible taste of their onion rings) and the original chicken sandwich is always good, but The Whopper is the most OVERRATED sandwich ever. And what is this new summertime BBQ shit anyway? BK blows.

White Castle/Krystal – You either love White Castle or you hate it. There is no in-between. Put me on Team Love. Sliders are the GOAT. Never order the chicken rings though. Real chicken doesn’t look/bend like that.

Arby’s – I don’t get Arby’s. This SHOULD be the best fast food joint in the world but then they go and charge 10 bucks for a roast beef sandwich and you’re sitting their hungry again in an hour. Granted, the horsey sauce and the curly fries are quite possibly the best thing you could order at any restaurant but they overvalue how good their sandwiches actually are. The mark-up makes no sense. Jamocha shake, though, can GET IT.

Dairy Queen – I haven’t been to a DQ in well over a decade and don’t plan to change that any time soon. Their new commercial (about the five buck lunch) has a guy on it who chews with his mouth open. That is repulsive. He has to be a Tigers fan.

Steak and Shake – Shoestring fries can get all sorts of fucked. Those aren’t even fries. They are air. Many wide loads (probably Colts fans) swear by this place as being the best and it is perfectly fine, but I need more than a steakburger that is as thin LS’s dick.

Rally’s/Checkers – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: they only put these places in ghettos. If you see one, drive to a better neighborhood immediately. The Big Buford is a quality sandwich, though, which makes up for their God awful fries. Remember those CHA-CHING commercials from the 90’s? Terrific!

Hardee’s/Carls Jr – You don’t see many of these around here anymore but they do still exist and I’m quite sure that they produce the least healthy food in America. I saw a commercial the other day where they advertised something like a 100 strip of bacon burger. Hardee’s is for people who want to die but are too big of pussies to pull a trigger.

Taco Bell – I don’t give a fuck what people say, TACO BELL IS SOLID. The cheesy gordita crunch is quite possibly the best thing that you can get from a drive-thru anywhere. Depending on the feature of the month, often times you can stuff you fat face for less than $4. That’s clutch. Name one other place that serves Mountain Dew Baja Blast; I dare you! I must say, though, that the Doritos tacos are just a smidge OVERRATED.

KFC – I am not a fan of KFC. Outside of wings, I do not care much for boned chicken and I will never forgive them for getting rid of The Double Down. That “sandwich” defined America. Here’s the thing about KFC: all of their sides are shit except for the corn and who orders corn at a window? Do they still have those mashed potato bowls? Those things were ELITE.

Long John Silvers – I don’t care, Long John’s is good. Hush puppies are delightful. It takes a lot for me to order fish in my car but I will from here any time. Good shrimp to boot.
Rax – LOL Rax!

The best of the bunch? Culver’s. Culver’s rules the world. It is the only good thing to ever come out of Wisconsin that isn’t Leinenkugel’s. Cane’s is the best chicken place even though that is only a central Ohio thing. Burger King is the worst by far. Deal with it. Today should be fun and quite possibly a world record for comments if I play my cards right and we don’t all have heart attacks. Embrace your inner-lard ass today, people.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Movie Rant

 Most people's reaction to seeing Ide naked.  The horror...

I haven't gone on a good, healthy, soul cleansing rant in awhile so that's what we'll do today.  Also, I know we don't want to put up with Stan Ide sulking about a list post again.  He's been a sour bitch about enough shit this last every week to the point where I think I speak for everyone...we don't need to give him another reason to flap his (pussy) lips.

So Sunday night we made the decision to see the hot new horror movie The Conjuring.  I'm not sure how many of you have seen the previews but it's a little something like this.  Family idiotically moves into a shit house that needs a fuck load of cosmetic work in the middle of nowhere and spends every last dime they have doing it for insert reason here.  As fate would have it, some pretty awful shit happened on that property before they bought the joint...yadda yadda yadda...ghosts start fucking shit up shortly after they've unpacked everything.  So they call two kooky fuckers to come and get rid of the spirits so they can go back to their boring lives.

I think you can probably guess what happens after that.  Overall the movie was meh.  The last 45 minutes was pretty gnarly but the first hour dragged ass.  Worth a watch but wait for the DVD.  So I agreed to go see this movie based on two variables.  Number one: it was based on a true story.  (Side note...if you don't believe in ghosts or some type of demon possession then go fuck yourself.  That shit is real, yo.)  Number two: it was rated R.  Which got me thinking and leads me to this rant:

Fucking piss up a rope if you make a horror movie rated anything other than R.  It's some of the most pointless shit ever.  It's like putting the most perfect set of tits on a girl who smells like rotting boars meat with a face that could curdle milk.  It's non alcoholic beer.  I've seen enough PG-13 horror movies in my lifetime to know that every last one of them is a waste of time and a fucking insult to the horror genre.  Name me a PG-13 horror movie that you actually enjoyed.  Now kill yourself.

Here is my issue.  Horror movies are supposed to be scary.  And gory.  And repulsive.  When you put restrictions on yourself by CHOOSING to make a PG-13 horror movie, you make a conscious decision to water down the product and make it shitty as fuck on purpose.  Every single time.  And fuck you for that.  There's a reason R ratings exist.  So directors can make a sweet horror movie that is done the right way.  Why would you not take advantage of that landscape where everything excluding hard core pornography is considered acceptable and at your disposal?  It's like banging a chick who tells you that NOTHING is off limits and you choose classic missionary.  The possibilities are limitless with what you can do!

Probably the one thing that bothers me the most about a PG-13 horror movie is the lack of swearing.  And I know there is something called suspension of disbelief so please don't fucking lecture me on that.  I took a film class in college too.  But the parts of the movie that are supposed to be somewhat believable...make them fucking believable for the love of God.  In real life if someone is chasing you in the woods trying to murder you with the death kit they're carrying on a belt, I'm pretty sure you're saying "fuck" minimum 50 times while running for safety.  Not whatever useless dialogue that actually goes on in these dumpster fire excuse for horror films.  Or if a ghost is trying to rape you in your sleep, even the holiest of the holy will be lighting up the skies with a gaggle of swears.  Stop cheating us, dammit.

And I know why directors clean it up.  They want to make it teenager friendly so they can flood the theatres with as many mindless bastards as possible.  Horror movies aren't supposed to be teenager friendly, dammit.  They're supposed to mentally scar you.  Today it's all about Hollywood filling their pockets with as many shitty, fraudulent dollars as possible with whatever toxic crap directors pollute the theaters with.  It's not about the consumer and what we want anymore.  It's about making generic, formulaic shit that any kid over the age of 13 can get into so the boys have a venue to try and finger blast whatever young piece of pussy they decided to drag along.  I'm just fucking sick of it.

So that's it.  Fuck PG-13 horror movies for eternity.  That's my official stance and you should share it.  I don't give a sack of fucks how "good" they make it look.  I'll never watch another one.  If you're looking for sports topics today we can talk about how URBZ was too big of a pussy to kick Hyde off the team.  Or we can talk about Von Miller injecting his testicles with steroids and being suspended for the first 4 games this year.  Or Braun being a liar and finally getting busted for roiding it hard core.  And we can always debate if ghosts are real or not.  I'm sure there are some closed minded jackasses on here that don't believe.  $20 says Ace is one of them.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Well, That Was Disappointing

Oh yeah, deeper...faster...DON'T STOP!
I wasn't really sure what to write about today but ol' FIGJAM decided to win the British Open and we're going to talk about that even though I have no desire to.  Deep down, I was hoping that today would be a "FUCK YEAH WOODS MF'ER" post but I shall go wanting.  Judging by the instant technological stupidity of Ide and Drew once dicksmack made that birdie on 18, they will demand their pound of blogging flesh no matter what the rest of this post is about.  So I'm going to suck it up and give them what they want.

*Phil won a tournament that no one thought he would ever win.  I hate the guy a lot but he earned it.  Granted, it would have been nice if he didn't spend day one whining about the course as if he were the only one playing in those conditions, but you can't deny that he played great.  He didn't even rely on his typical fluke, stupid shots.  He just played smart (a rarity) and really well.

*It was a good leaderboard throughout but they were really just names.  I mean, seriously, people know who Lee Westwood and Adam Scott and Hunter Mahan are but those guys rarely win meaningful tournaments (this year's Masters being an exception).  Those guys are losers.

*Speaking of Mahan, he is such white trash.  Bend your fucking bill.  Shave your chin.  Quit being terrible.  Nice trashy first name.  He probably drove a jet-ski over to the UK like Kenny Powers would do.  I would bet that he's have multiple majors if the PGA would let him play tournaments without sleeves.

*In honor of Mr. Ace's birthday today, I must say that Ian Poulter is TOTES a Mr. Ace.  Just a completely objectionable douche bag that no on could ever like.

*Tiger was...OK.  I thought that his plan was solid and his demeanor to keep grinding out pars was fine but I'm growing tired of waiting.  Just win one already.  You are clearly better than everyone else.  Just hit the ball on the green instead of trying to rip 200 yard low power fades that draw at the end or whatever.  FYI, 14 will always be better than 5.  Bitch.  The babies can have their bottles today.

*Why does Mickelson wear a watch?  Does he have somewhere else to be?  He is a GLORY BOY.

*So Phil and Bones fuck, right?  I mean, they are in deep love with each other yes homo.  Bones crying on the 18th green for no apparent reason (outside of his lust for Phil's floppy hair and sloppy anus) was the pussiest thing that I've ever seen.  They probably used his tears for lube.  Total 'mos.

*Like I've said from the start, I hate Mickelson very much but I respected the shit out of him completely ignoring Rick Reilly as he walked off 18 and the horrible writer and even worse TV analyst was the only one within 20 feet of him.  Phil made an immediate left turn to his dipshit son, two future prostitutes, and whore wife instead.  It was major LULZ.

*And who doesn't love multiple family hugs!  It was like watching Jason Seaver and the rest of the Growing Pains cast showing that smile again!  No family loves each other that much.  What a phony bunch of assholes those five people are.  You only name your son Evan if you know that he's going to grow up to be in a domestic partnership.

*My total count of Tiger yelling GOD DAMMIT during this tournament was three but that is unofficial.  I love pissed off, gives no fucks Tiger.  Again, please win soon.

*If there is one thing that we've learned from the golf majors this season is that this is The Year of the Loser.  Adam Scott, Justin Rose(nberg), and Phil overseas is proof of this.  I would put my money on Sergio or Colin Montgomerie (if he's even still alive) to win the PGA next month.  Because there are no greater losers than those two although Lee Westwood is getting close to their level.

*Go fuck yourself, Burke.

I can't imagine that this discussion lasts for very long but some assbutts are going to demand it anyway so feel free to talk about whatever you want (Big Brother, Dexter, Jut Verlander getting worse and worse, my ELITE sex appeal, etc.).  Just know that all of our diehard Phil fans never even went to Mickelson University and thus are CLOWN FRAUDS.  Urban Dictionary will prove that as FACT.  While that was a fun watch, 14 is still better than 5.  Tiger will always be better.  Deal with it. 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Fantasy FootBRAH Friday

simpler, happier times
We descend upon the home of Jack and Jackie Harbaugh in Mequon, WI. Monster trucks are parked on top of neighborhood cars on the street. Super Bowl champion coach, John Harbaugh, is the last to arrive and he is carrying two cases of Twisted Tea on his shoulders. It is the only way that he travels. He enters the home of his parents.


Jack: Hello, son, we’re glad that you could make it. Now we can begin.

John: Is this an intervention? The only thing that I’m addicted to is winning titles, bullying officials, and ELITE quarterback play. I’m not going to rehab for any of that.

Jack: No, no, John, I would never ask a therapist to get inside your head. The reason that I got you, Jimmy, Joani, and Tommy together is because training camp is right around the corner. That means that you will be more insufferable than ever soon but I want you all to start having more fun with football.

Jim: Get to the point, dad, before I jump back inside your dickhole and abort myself. Football isn’t supposed to be fun. It is a war and I am the general with the biggest goddamn testicles and longest pubic hair.

Jack: Relax, James—

(Jim breaks bottle of Twisted Tea and holds shard up to Crean Pie’s throat)

Jack: I mean Jim--sorry about that. We’re going to start our own Harbaugh Family Fantasy Football League.

Joani: I thought that “fantasy football” was the idea of Jim winning a Super Bowl?

Jim: (still holding broken bottle to Tom’s neck) The only reason that your shit stain husband still lives is because living with him has to be as annoying as a postgame handshake with Jim Schwartz. And I want you to always be miserable like I am.

Jack: Anyway, this should be a fun way for all of us to enjoy the NFL season even more so than usual. Millions of people play this now. Why not the Harbaughs! Since you two will be very busy soon, we’re going to keep it simple. We will all just draft one QB, one RB, one WR, one TE, and a DEF. We won’t worry about kickers because they aren’t football players.

Jim: I put a hit out on David Akers after the season ended.

John: I would have done it for free. I still have Billy Cundiff’s heart under my pillow.

Joani: Can I take Charles Haley? I’ve heard he has a huge piece.

Jack: No, active players only.

Tom: Are there any Zellers in the NFL? I want my entire team to be from that family.

Jack: No, Tom, you have to take football players. I figured that we would let John pick first since he is the one true winner in the family. Jim can pick second because, if not, we will all get stabbed. (Jim nods like a maniac) Then we will go Jackie, Joani, myself, and then Tom because he isn’t a real Harbaugh and is only here by default. Go ahead, John, and make your pick.

John: Joe Flacco. My team is set. Give me another championship now.

Jack: Just as a reminder, fantasy football is much different than regular football. You want the best statistics in this league, not just wins.

John: Oh, I’m sorry. How many Super Bowl rings do you have, Anus Face? Don’t tell me how to coach my team. I’m going to have my slave subordinate, Jim Caldwell, throw deep on every play now. I just hope that Tandon Doss makes it back to me.

Jack: OK, Jim, you’re up.

Jim: Steal of the draft: 49ers Defense! (sacks the dining room table and then sprints back to his chair like Aldon Smith)

Joani: You fudge packers aren’t getting this at all. Mom! You’re on the horse cock!

Jackie: Oh dear, I’m coming! Everyone, please eat these fresh brownies that I made. They are right out of the oven.
(everyone does and compliments mom on her baking prowess)

Jackie: I made them just how you like them WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF MY OWN SHIT! Way to eat my osteoporosis-laden turds, FAGGOTS! Give me that local stud, Aaron Rodgers. He wins me this league and I’ll suck his nuts dry. I’ll give him a Discount Double Penetration!

Joani: I’ll take Adrian Peterson. Maybe he can satisfy my womanly needs unlike someone else in the room.
(John and Jim both stand angrily)

Jack: Sit down, boys; she is talking about Two Inch Tom. I’m sure that both of you would be quite effective at banging your sister but I beg you to not do so.

Jackie: Hey baby-that-I-pooped-out, what’s going on with your sister? Is she dead?

Jim: Might be. I don’t care. Before I Iced her good and proper, I slipped ten grams of black tar heroin in the bottle. She’s going to be out for a while if she makes it at all. I got it from one of Kaepernick’s prison bitches so you know it’s good.

Tom: Why did you do that?

John: She was being a cunt. She kept talking about sambo cocks and my BRAH was upset that she had yet to mention
Frank Gore’s heavy hammer.

Jim: Exactly. Is it my turn again? I want to draft myself.

Jack: No, I’m up and I will select Arian Foster.

Jackie: Way to draft a vegan knob polisher! Do you get extra points in this queer league for eating grass or something? (queefs in Joanie’s face as she remains in a coma)

Jack: Tom, you’re up and you get to make two picks.

Tom: Bully for me! Let’s see…so many great choices. I’ll draft Ray Rice.

John: What the fuck did you just say? Are you trying to steal MY plow horse? THIS IS TAMPERING. The Commissioner will not stand for this! Ray Rice is under contract with the Baltimore Ravens. The SUPER BOWL CHAMPION RAVENS! I will not let him become a Hoosier FAGGOT!

Jack: John, we’ve been over this numerous times already. That is not how it works.

John: Oh go fuck your whore wife, dad, I’m sick of your bukkake breath. I will not stand by idly while you allow this shitty hair cut to strip my team to the core. I already had to ship Boldin over there to Piss Boy, I’m not about to let my boy, Ray, wear those stupid warm-up pants in a different sport! Jimmy, go outside and cut me a switch. Crean Pie is about to get some lashes for disrespecting the integrity of The Shield.

Tom: Please God no. I learned my lesson at Easter. You don’t have to do that again. Can I make my next pick? I want Colin Kaepernick.


(Jim uncaps his trusty red sharpie from his necklace to reveal that it is actually a very sharp knife…he begins the scalping process on Tom Crean while John is air thrusting his genitals in the direction of his mother)

Jack: Well, this went swimmingly. The Harbaugh Family Fantasy Football League lasted a whole seven minutes. My daughter is probably dead from an intentional drug overdose. My son-in-law, who I hate, is being murdered by my clinically insane youngest son. My oldest is giving my wife a lap dance. The only thing missing is—

400 FBI agents crashing through every door and window: FREEZE!!! You are all under arrest for being terrible people.

Jack: That’s more like it. Now the day is complete. I haven’t spoken to my lawyer in a few hours anyway.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Welcome To The Haters Ball

In case you were unaware, the weather in Ohio over the past week or so has been hotter than my ass in a Speedo. This makes sense since it is mid-July after all. The best part about this is that the air-conditioning in my office is currently down as we wait impatiently for a replacement for our 25 year old current unit that is spitting out 90 degree wind through the vents. My point is that I am miserable and not in the best of moods. I’m in a version of the alternate Happy Place where Shooter McGavin is making out with my deceased grandma and that is not cool, bro!

Since I have no other choice but to have hate on my brain, I figured today we could have a nice hate-filled day. No, we won’t be listing our most hated commenter (Drewser) but we will be ranking (there’s that lazy blogging style again) our most hated teams. I’ve been wanting to write this for a while but I find it hard to separate my top 3. So here is my Top Ten Most Hated Teams. There really aren’t any qualifiers or characteristics other than some sort of combo of dickhead players and douche bag fans.

You may notice that I did not list the Steelers in my top ten. This was not a mistake. They are probably #11. With recent history on my side, I just couldn’t rank them ahead of my #10 despite their inbred fans getting arm ink supporting the team. Go get yourself a Bud Light because “Here We Go” (terrible pun):

10. Seattle Seahawks – The last three times that the Skins have made the playoffs, the Sea Chickens have sent them home. Their entire team is on drugs. Richard Sherman is a cocksucker. Pete Carroll is a bigger cocksucker. They stole the TWELF Man gimmick from Johnny Football. And they are beloved by Kempton 22. I make a strong case against Seattle.

9. Marshall – This was a much bigger deal when I was in college and Byron Leftwich took so much joy in filleting my anus every year. I am pumped the rivalry is being renewed for the next two years. Herd fans still have not forgiven us for that ELITE 66-6 beating we threw on them. I still love the shit out of it. When I was a junior and they came to Yager Stadium, I was drunk driving to the TailGREAT, would slow down at every green-clad WE ARE hill-jack, yell at them “HEY! FUCK YOU!”, speed away as fast as the GA would allow, park about fifty feet from the people I just screamed at, and then high five my BRAHs. Good times. We lost that game by a lot.

8. USA Men’s Soccer – Soccer is the worst sport. I want it to die so badly here. I will forever root against them. They don’t play for me.

7. Notre Dame – You can’t have a list like this without these guys. Because, you know, the fathers are holy on Sunday but holy Hell every other day of week. LOL JOKEZ!

6. Detroit Tigers – We’ve been over this enough already. It doesn’t help that my favorite team has no chance of beating them. Plus, their fans act like they’ve already won the last five titles. They haven’t won dick but worthless AL Championship rings. Talk to any Tigers fan about the Tigers and you want to kill yourself within seconds. FACT.

5. Ohio University – Fuck these people who think that Athens is a beautiful place. This dump also produced Peter King and Jay Mariotti and probably Bin Laden. I’ll have to check on that last one.

4. Miami Heat – I just don’t understand how anyone could ever root for these guys. They have, by far, the greatest percentage of objectionable and unlikeable people on a roster in any sport ever.

3. Ohio Buckeyes – Only #3? Yeah, the top two have fan bases with zero decent people. I can admit that while 99% of Ohio fans are ham-fisted mongoloids who don’t know anything about sports outside of I-270 (especially when it comes to college football), there are a few who don’t eat all the shit that this school shovels at them. I still want to watch you all suffer though.

2. Dallas Cowboys – Mexico’s team is the worst. I hate all of their fans. I hate their owner. I hate their former players. I hate their current players. I will hate their future players. I want to see all of their cheerleaders sold into some weirdo sex slavery ring like in Taken. You can’t tell me that it isn’t great to watch these fuckers choke EVERY year. It makes life worth living. It really says a lot that if the Cowboys and Buckeyes were playing each other in “whatever”…ummm, let’s say Chinaman Checkers, I would side with Ohio.

1. Boston Red Sox – The worst fans on the planet with their pink jerseys, Jeff, horrible accents, and sponsorship of terrorist acts within our borders. When I was debating on who would be #1 on this list, all I had to do was think about how much I hated the Yankees for playing Sweet Caroline in the stadium after the Marathon Bombings. That’s why this is the greatest rivalry in sports, jerks, when it trumps dead American civilians. Fuck the Red Sox up the ass with a big rubber dick.

There we go. Some nice spewed hate on this Thursday. Search deep within yourself and let us all know who you hate and where they rank in the comments.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

This Is Going To Fail Miserably

Art Shell Ref...never forget
After yesterday’s TRANSCENDENT post about Johnny Manziel’s rapid descent into douche-baggery (and a rare moment where people agree and enjoy Iceman’s work), I figured that we would keep the ball rolling with college football talk today. It could be worse—I could break down the All Star Game. While the product on the field is abysmal, Jim Delany and the rest of the Big Ten continue to be pioneers for change and progression within the game. I will never understand how this conference makes any money at all from their network since no one watches it but that isn’t what today is about.
I honestly have no idea how I feel about player safety in football. It’s probably a good idea but I always come back to the notion that I don’t care if these guys get hurt. It sort of comes with the territory. If you decide to play football and progress beyond high school, there is a good chance that you will get injured at some point. It is a hot topic these days though. I would probably prefer better technology when it comes to equipment over completely changing the game itself. But then again, I AM A MAN.

What I’m talking about is the new NCAA rule in effect this year (throughout the country) that players will be ejected for dirty helmet-to-helmet hits. Now, there is sort of a due process here in which the replay official will have to confirm the ejection before it is official on the field. The Big Ten, however, has told their referees “when in doubt, throw them out”. People, this is not good. We might as well call this The William Gholston Rule since he is mos def why this is in place.

Have you ever watched a Big Ten game and thought to yourself “Wow, these stripes are doing a great job out there!”? Of course you haven’t because the officiating is terrible. It always has been even before the conference employed my boy, Art Shell Ref, and his massive casino debt. They can’t even correctly call pass interference and now Jim Delany wants these mental defectives to, on the fly, judge one player’s intent to maim? That doesn’t sit well with me and it shouldn’t for any of you either.

We all fondly remember JaDeveon Clowney’s boner-inducing hit on that shithead from WE ON in the Poop Bowl. The Big Ten would have likely ejected him (probably because of his skin color). For you Fuckeye fans, I think that this pussy rule will hurt guys like Ryan Shazier who hit like a fucking truck but have to be cautious because one wrong move could see him out of action. And that’s fucking wrong. Where does it end though? Are they going to start tossing guys on the punt return team when they blindside some shit heel who does not have his head on a swivel? He is a defenseless player after all and you only make that hit to hurt the guy (FACT). Hits to the head on QBs? Hines Wald crack back brocks? Can’t we just throw flags when we think that a hit is dirty instead of ejecting everyone? Or how about, I don’t know, suspending repeat offenders from the next game instead of making a rash decision in the heat of the goddamn moment!!!
Need a babysitter?
This might be an effective rule if I had any faith at all in the people enforcing it but I do not. Hell, I’ve seen more obvious replay booth fuck-ups than I can count so it isn’t like that system is fool proof. Mark my words, this is going to cost a Big Ten team at some point this year and it will cause a massive uproar among which ever mouth-breathing fanbase it effects. After all, when your most decorated referee has been the winner of the Jerry Sandusky Look-a-like Contest for the past decade, you know that this is doomed. As always, fuck Jim Delany and fuck the Big Ten. You’re already a terrible football conference. Good job making it harder on yourselves to not be a punch line to all the jokes.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Johnny Fuck Face

 "The pressure is TOTES getting to me you guys...after I POSE FOR THIS SWEET PHOTO OPP!!!"

I considered live blogging the Home Run Derby tonight but after careful thought didn't care to watch Prince Fielder sweat out thirty pounds of bacon grease on the field.  And after Cakes' round of moronic comments yesterday, I figured we needed a break from baseball.  Now that I think about it...I should probably do an NBA post in order to chase Cakes away and save him from himself or punish him for being a dipshit.  The Indians aren't that far behind the Tigers in talent...what a fuckin boob.   But I'm not going to do that either.  Because the only NBA subject I can think of is a post about how badly I want Rajon Rondo on the Pistons despite how big of a twat crotch he is.  So I landed on college football on the heels of a pretty decent sized story from yesterday.

Remember last season when the entire world was dragging their dicks through broken glass for the chance to suck the penis head of Johnny Manziel? too.  It was fucking annoying as shit and impossible to forget.  And I proudly, openly hated him from day one.  Well, Ol' Johnny Numb Nuts is at it again.  But we'll get into that a little later.  First let's recap the colorful history of everyone's favorite SEC gay boy.

In the summer of 2012, Manziel was arrested for being a 19 year old drunk prick and hanging out with inbred, racist southerners.  But in cop terms the charge was disorderly conduct, failure to identify and possession of a fictitious drivers license.  I guess Manziel's buddy called some guy an N-word and he came over with intentions to kick the fucking tar out of him.  Deservedly so and a vaginal slap fight ensued.  When Manziel was approached by the cops he did the brilliant jackass thing and gave the cop his fake ID.  I's not like these guys are FUCKING TRAINED to spot fake IDs or anything!  Crazy that he was caught and spent the night in jail...

After winning the Heisman trophy, Manziel famously said he would be taking online classes because the pressure and attention of being the Heisman trophy winner was making it hard for him to focus on school.  First of all...fucking fist yourself.  The PRESSURE?!?!  Yeah man.  So much pressure having professors making sure you stay eligible so they're not the ones responsible for you not being on the field.  So much pressure fighting off hot southern chicks on the way to English class who would fillet their own tit with a butter knife for a chance to deep throat your 19 year old baby dick for eight seconds.  Second of all...if you don't want the attention, don't sit courtside at NBA games.  Or let drunk, horny co-eds climb all over you in Cabo like a jungle gym.  Or let those pictures ooze onto Twitter.  Or hang out with Justin Timberlake and Rob Gronkowski.  Or be a total fucking media whore.  How about that?  Or does all that shit make too much sense?

A few months ago in May, he shoved a graduate assistant to the ground after the coach gave John shovel fulls of shit for tossing his 3rd pick in a team scrimmage.  But to be fair a GA isn't a real coach and shouldn't be respected.  They are the Kevin Miliuses of the college ranks.  But to be more fair it was a total BRAH move that a zit faced 20 year old shit stain punk has no business pulling.

Next, this past June young Johnathan tweeted some crotchety statement about this shit is the reason why he couldn't wait to get out of College Station.  Then of course damage control within the University took over and he removed the Tweet.  He claims the outburst was about some parking ticket on campus.  But we all know it was definitely something else.  It's no secret this anal wart comes from money.  You know...since he's owned TWO FUCKING MERCEDES SINCE HIGH SCHOOL!!  So I'm pretty damn sure that a $50 parking ticket would be something thing he would figuratively or literally wipe his golden asshole with.  Not have it be the subject of a cunty Tweet.  Whatever the real story behind the Tweet was, I'm sure it was way more diva-ish than a measly parking ticket.  It was probably something more like the Wal-Mart in College Station stopped carrying his brand of tampon.

And finally we come full circle to the latest in the drama filled saga of Johnny High Maintenance.  Apparently this past weekend he was instructed by Archie Manning to leave a football camp for kids he was asked to participate in because he was hung over.  You can read the whole story here.  Everyone is saying that he was dismissed because of an illness yet was seen partying his 20 year old balls off the night before with Alabama heart throb A.J. McCarron.  Then was seen again Saturday night, after being dismissed for being sick earlier in the day, out at a popular night club.  But the Manning's are still saying it was because he was "ill" and not because he felt like a hungover jar of mangled dicks.  Yeah...I'm usually pretty ill on weekends too.  It's crazy how that always happens after 15 beers and whatever shot is being put in front of my drunk fucking face.  I'm sure the two aren't related in any way.  Total coincidence.

So can we all start hating this fuck face now?  Can we unite under this common ground and officially wish horrible things on Johnny Jerk Off?  I figured you all would already despise this queer because he plays in the SEC but apparently not.  Now he's hacking up loogies and spitting them in the face of God after all of the solids this kid has been thrown in life.  How much fucking easier do you need it to be, man?  There is nothing worse than a spoiled rich kid acting like a sour bitch all the God damn time.  I fucking hate this guy to my core.  You should too.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Let's Hand Out Some Pointless First Half MLB Awards

We're at the unofficial official halfway point in the never-ending story also known as the MLB season.  I was going to spend today looking back at my preseason predictions but then realized that I didn't want to do that.  Cool story, bro!  So I figured that we could just give out some awards for the best and worst performers of the first 90+ games of the 2013 season.  Yay!  Let's do this.

AL MVP - Chris Davis.  It is going to come down to Crush and The Fat Drunk.  I lean toward Crush because I hate the Tigers and home runs mean everything to me.  It comes down to this for me and I say this constantly: the reason why I consider the 1998 Yankees to be the best team ever is because from the first pitch of the season to the final out of the World Series, they kicked everyone's ass.  They didn't flip any switches or mail in weeks.  This is why I don't respect the Tigers.  They fuck around too much.  You could learn a good lesson from the basketball team in Detroit.  Eventually, you can't turn the switch.  Play fucking hard and do what you're supposed to do (clinch the Central by August 30th).
AL LVP - A-Rod.  Ugh, apparently he met with MLB people over the weekend and came away crushed with how much dirt they have on him and he is seeking some sort of a plea deal.  I'm not sure how you plea with a company but centaurs live by different rules.  You can forget about him coming back this year.  That is certain.  Hellraiser can probably go ahead and cut him now.  Not a bad way to spend 27+ million dollars.

NL MVP - Yadier Molina.  He's the best overall player in the National League.  The younger brother of site favorite Jose "Jo(Ho)-Mo" Molina is leading the league in batting average while still being the best defensive player in all of baseball.  If you ever wondered why the Cardinals are always really good and have stud pitching, it is because of him.  FACT.
NL LVP - Matt Kemp.  Dude sucks and eats his own pussy out.  Let's move on.

AL Cy Young - Maximus Scherzer.  He's having a bananas season even though he finally got his first loss on Saturday night.  I believe that he is a free agent at season's end.  That has to be a little bit scary.  I would assume that the Tigers will resign him.  That is another 20 million dollar player on the roster.  Risky business.  Plus, I wouldn't give any money to a man this ugly.
AL Joe Blanton - Justin Verlander.  How can the Joe Blanton Award not go to Joe Blanton?  Easy, when you are an "ace", you shouldn't be getting lit up all the time, walking a ton of people, and striking no one out anymore.  People keep glossing over this shittiness as if it is nothing but he has been bad all year.  He's down to low 90's "heat".  Basically, he is hittable.  Just like Joe Blanton.

NL Cy Young - Clayton Kershaw.  He is the best pitcher in the league.  He has been for awhile.  He will continue to be for years to come.  Unfortunately, his team rarely gives him any run support because they blow.
NL Joe Blanton - Johnny Cueto.  It's hard to kill a guy for being injured but he is their best and has been on the DL thrice already.  If you want to know why the Reds trail the Cards and Buccos by over 5 games, it is because they are missing their best pitcher.  They will flame out again in the postseason unless Cueto gets his shit together.

AL Manager of the Year - Bob Melvin.  I have no idea how the A's keep winning.  It must have a lot to do with Galinski's beard.  I can never hate Oakland because Player X will always be one of my favorites.
AL Bobby Valentine - Mike Scioscia.  You know, I've been one of his biggest defenders for a decade now but it's high time that they fire his ass.  The Angels have been underachieving for far too long.

NL Manager of the Year - Clint Hurdle.  I will believe that the Pirates will fold in the second half again until they prove me wrong.  I'm rooting for them though.  They are the biggest domestic and legal story of the baseball year.
NL Bobby Valentine - Charlie Manual.  It's time for Ozark Lou Brown to go away, too.  The Phillies need to rebuild in a huge way.  I have no idea why they haven't started the fire sale yet.

AL Henry Rowengartner - Marc Krauss.  He is having a pretty crappy start to his MLB career but he is from Henry County and I played sports against his older brothers so he wins!  It also helps that I couldn't remember any other decent rookies in the AL.  He doesn't qualify but I want to mention that Manny Machado is the fucking TROOF.
NL Henry Rowengartner - Yasiel Puig.  PUT HIM ON THE ALL STAR TEAM, MOTHERFUCKA!

I am still sticking with my pick of an Angels/Dodgers World Series.  Magic is going to start wiping his AIDS in the visiting clubhouse and "something about crack" will boost Josh Hamilton and the Angels.  Now without further ado, while you wait for the stupid Home Run Derby to conclude tonight, here are your Celebrity Softball rosters for this evening (my two predictions ended up being 100% right).

American League - Craig Carton (Radio Personality, Bernie Williams (MLB--you are too good for this), Rollie Fingers (MLB), Ashanti (Singer), Rickey Henderson (MLB), Frank Thomas (MLB--you are too good for this), Fred Lynn (MLB), Chord Overstreet (Actor), James Denton (Actor), A.J. Calloway (TV Personality), Gary Valentine (Actor/Comedian), Mallory Hagan (Miss America)

National League - Boomer Esiason (NFL/Radio Personality), John Franco (MLB), Jennie Finch (Softball Player), Mike Piazza NAILED IT (MLB), Darryl Strawberry (MLB), Ozzie Smith (MLB), Dwight Gooden (MLB), Andre Dawson (MLB), Josh Wege (Wounded Warrior), Chris Rock (Actor/Comedian), Kevin James NAILED IT AGAIN(Actor/Comedian), George Lopez (Actor/Comedian)

It should be a tremendous event as usual.  I would bet on the NL.  They are the roster most likely to be coked up and thus running faster.  If baseball isn't your thing, feel free to share your thoughts on Trayvon Martin being legally murdered by that Zimmerman tub of goo.  Our justice system is major LULZ.  Also great: athlete's reactions to this verdict on Twitter.  Why yes, James Harrison, you should go out and start shooting people!  Don't watch the Home Run Derby tonight.  I beg you.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Fantasy Football Friday: And It Begins

Hey, James Bond, are you excited for fantasy football season?
Welcome to the initial Fantasy Football Friday post here which will run weekly…but not for a few more weeks since I don’t have enough topics to cover 7 Fridays. They don’t call me the best in the business for nothing, folks. Daniel mentioned in the comments yesterday what I had been planning to do anyway today so let’s just go ahead and do it. But first!

I have been in five fantasy football leagues for the last two years. It ain't easy.  Last week, I turned in my e-mail of resignation to the one I was in with FagNasty back in Naptown. It might be the oldest league in the world. We’re talking maybe thirty years. All I know is that as far as I can remember, my dad has always been a member and he isn’t even one of the originals. Well, since the league HQ is 2+ hours away, I rely on FagNasty to do a lot of the pick-ups and trading. He did nothing last year. At all. So I bailed. I felt horrible. I have never quit a fantasy league before. This was new. And the weird thing about is that I had to resign to my old defensive coordinator whose reply e-mail could have somehow been a punch in the face. He is that crazy. This is going to be a running theme throughout the rest of the FFF’s (until Dut gets the message): don’t be afraid to walk away and don’t be afraid to do what needs to happen to STREMPHEN your league. Nobody likes a half-ass. We all demand full ass.

So I’m back down to four leagues and with my recent worldwide domination of the sport, prepare to get Big Benned (put this in the sex dictionary as “getting a swirly while being sodomized preferably in Georgia”) by Big Daddy (me AND J-Rupe!). OK, let’s start talking draft dates, times, places, and members for the DFL, MSFL, and G$FL.

First of all, the only date that does not work for me at all is Saturday August 24th which is when my dreaded OTHER LEAGUE drafts. Considering that this league’s draft resulted in me passing the fuck out on my in-laws couch while topless at 6 pm last year due to Four Loko, I will not miss it for any of you scrubs.  I somehow finished third which is amazing for how drunk I was.

G$FL – I would assume that we still have the same 12 in the league this year. No one has told me that they are leaving. Although with Ide being the defending champ, everyone should consider suicide. We usually have held this on Labor Day Monday but Shit Shegitz is going to be out of town without computer access so we need to adapt. Any bad days or thoughts on when this should go down? Fuck Ide? Yes. Also, the site has been re-upped for a week now.  Start getting in. 

MSFL – Since this is online, we can do this whenever. I’m not worried about that. For as horrendous as Mr. Ace is at fantasy sports, he runs a fairly decent league here (not sure if I can say the same for how he represents us on Twitter). The question is if everyone is coming back. It felt like Daniel was on the ropes last year and FagNasty hasn’t been a contributor here for years so who knows what he will do. Prime (as well as myself OBVZ) seems to have this league on lockdown since its creation. It must be the media’s west coast bias. By the way, I prefer Tuesdays or Thursdays.

DFL – Well, your REPEAT OFFENDER CHAMPION is ready to go for the 3Peat. I tried to discuss the league with Dut on Saturday but I was much too drunk for anything to register and he wasn’t wearing a tie which bothered me greatly. It said FORMAL ATTIRE on the invitation, you hiney hobbit! If I recall though, it did sound like Dut was willing to ask some previous owners to leave the league which gave me an erection that later was jammed in the ice luge. This needs to be done, BRAH. Trim the fat (but not me). I have already recruited Wardo, Lange, and Boz to show up this year. They will come. You just have to force everyone to be in the same room. Plus pre-draft golf is always clutch. Ide needs to know a date, too. How about 8/17? Does that work for most? There ain’t SHIT going on in mid-August. It’s best just to set a date early and let people work around it rather than trying to get everyone’s feedback.

You know what would be good, if we could do the DFL on the 17th and the G$FL on the 18th. It is actually a concession that I would be willing to make for—ugh—my champion, Ide. Then again, if it is a strong pollen day he might have to stay in bed. Queer. Let’s do some work today, doggies, and make some decisions. For the rest of you, let us know if you would like to be on the wait list for the Money Shot Football League. There will likely be at least one open spot and there is no way that you could be worse than Iceman (back-to-black worst team in the league, right?). Also feel free to discuss other topics of the day. I hear that Marshall Henderson got suspended again for failing a drug test. Some of you better have trolled him good.  Out.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Urban Meyer Pulled The Trigger

Thanks for coming, Coach, but could you not smile?  You're scaring the cancer kids.
I made an interesting point to myself yesterday: it HAS been too long since we’ve shit-talked the Ohio Buckeyes. Well, that simply will not do. After all, URB HAZ NVR LOST A GAME DURR HURRRRRRRRR! We’re less than two months away from the red and gray embarking on the easiest schedule ever (and College Preview Week is right around the corner, too) and there are a few new news items surrounding the world’s worst program that need to be addressed.

Urban Meyer did NOT kill Odin Lloyd – I have no idea why he even felt the need to address this garbage but he did anyway. When a fucking idiot like Tim May calls, you always answer! So a few geniuses have written awful columns about how Urb should feel responsible for Aaron Hernandez’s Charles Bronson impression. Sure, his players had zero discipline or consequences for their actions at Florida but this is so lazy even for the lame-stream media. If anything, had Urban kicked him off the Gators, he probably would have become a serial killer sooner. I don’t understand why Meyer wanted to be put on the record but he did and now we’re all left wondering what good it did. I am an intelligent man and not one of his ham-fisted, mouth-breathing supporters and even I won’t be so dumb as to blame him for Odin Lloyd’s death. Same thing with Robert Kraft—why do you feel “duped” exactly? How was it ever possible for a football team to judge someone’s murdering ability? Is that what the Wonderlic test is for? On a lighter note, this Hernandez case continues to be fascinating. I’m a big fan of his lawyer looking like an even fatter version of Peter King.

EA Sports says no undefeated season – Not that it matters all that much, but EA’s simulation of the Ohio season has them going 13-1 and winning the Rose Bowl. That loss is at the piss-soaked hands of super-stud coach, Kirk Ferentz, and the visiting Iowa Hawkeyes. I have no idea how this would even be possible as Iowa will come to Columbus as AT LEAST a 21 point underdog (probably higher) and with a quarterback who has yet to take a snap in college. I agree with EA though that the Fuckeyes will lose a game at some point this season because 25 game winning streaks just don’t happen…not even in the Big Ten. Obviously, they have you guys winning the conference and the bowl game but my question is, if the season were to play out like this, is this an acceptable season? I would say no but I’m smarter than you. I would call that a failure.

Great story but still a lame attempt at humor – By now, we’ve all heard about the young Ohio State fan who has beaten cancer that he called “Michigan”, right? It’s a sweet story and I applaud the kid for beating that shitty disease. Buuuuuuut, you guys are still so juvenile and not funny. It just isn’t humorous which was likely not the intent but I am a comedy perfectionist so it will be judged that way. There are so many better things that you could call your cancer. The Hokester? Jon Navarre? Asians and Homos? Jim Abbott? Lloyd Carr feels appropriate because he sucks the life out of everyone. MIKE FUCKING HART? WE ON! Nope, we’ll just do what we always do and be stupid and unimaginative. One thing is certain though, this kid did not fake his illness like a certain murderer creator that wears a headset on Saturdays and looks like a penis. Good for you, kid, but leave the jokes to the pros like Louie Anderson and Elaine Boosler. Congrats on “beating Michigan”.

That should get us through the day. Nothing beats owning the Fuckeyes. Unrelated but since allergy season is over, I’ve quit using my trusty Zyrtec as of last weekend. I’ve been itching like crazy the last few days (all over the place but the old nutsack seems to be a focal point of my inner-body crabs). I googled what the hell could possibly be wrong with me and there is a chemical in those pills that produce withdrawal symptoms for a week or so after you quit. Basically, I’m walking around scratching myself like a junkie this week. I just need another fix!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I've Been Stricken With Puig Fever

Somebody get this chinaman off me.
The lists and the guest posts are over which means that it is time for me to roll up my blogging sleeves again and get to work once more. Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time that I actually wrote one of my usual daily gems. When was the last time that I poked the big, handicapped Buckeye bear? Well, it won’t be today. I did a lot of driving this past weekend (new US 24 is the GOAT highway by the way) and thus listened to a ton of sports talk. After getting through all of the DUH-wight nonsense, the main topic was the current hottest name in all of sports and the theme for today…Yasiel Puig!

If you haven’t been paying attention, here is a brief description on baseball’s new import. He is sick. He has a cannon for an arm. He is faster than an Uncle T hip thrust. No pitcher can get him out. He has breathed life into a shitty franchise. Basically, he is a more pigmented version of last year’s awesome rookie combo of Harper and Trout. He is awesome. While Puig has only been in the major leagues for 6 weeks or so, there has been much debate as to whether or not he should be an All Star next week. His numbers and his impact say yes. Jonathon Papelbon doesn’t think so. Marty Brennaman said it would be a “travesty” if Puig went to Queens. Well, Papelbon eats shit and Marty is an outdated coot. They are both wrong. Fuck yeah he deserves to be there. Here is why:

First of all, SMDH at the traditionalists and old fuckers who try to hold onto this weird notion of “sanctity” or whatever. I can’t wait for these assholes to die so that the game can evolve into an actual entertaining product that doesn’t rely on vast unwritten rules and policing their own. Yasiel Puig is scorching hot on the field and in the media ever since the first game that he played. He has dominated the game from the start. Why this is apparently not good enough for some boggles my mind.

I like the All Star Game. I hate the Home Run Derby but I like the ASG. I don’t like the idea that it determines home field advantage. That has always been so dumb for real. But it does so what are you going to do besides win the game. And there is the main rub. Wouldn’t you rather have Puig playing the last 3-4 innings in what is actually a VERY important baseball game over Hunter Pence? Pence sucks. We already know this. Do you want to watch a lesser player based solely on something as dumb as “service time”? No, you do not. I want a reason to watch the last few innings instead of turning to Storage Wars re-runs.

I like Marty because he’s a straight shooter and way better than his son but I don’t quite get what makes this a “travesty”. Puig has been better than almost everybody. Bryce Harper missed a month and has worse numbers. He’s starting. Andrew McCutchen has been one of the few Pirates that has sort of sucked this season. He’s going, too. In fact, the only NL OF that actually belong on the team are Justin Upton, Domonic Brown, Carlos Beltran, and CarGo.

One of Marty’s arguments is that Puig has not been around long enough to “earn” his spot on the team. O RLY? You’re right, coming to this country on a floating screen door and dodging sharks and then dominating from the first pitch is pussy shit. This is so dumb. If you are in the camp that Puig shouldn’t be an All Star then you are a dipshit fuckface who is probably related to Joe Dumars. What other sport actively campaigns for the most exciting players to not be on the biggest stage? Baseball doesn’t get it. And the fact that Freddie Freeman currently leads the fan vote over Puig shows that the fans don’t get it either. Put the fucking Cuban on the team and try to develop another superstar in a sport that definitely needs them. A couple other notes on the All Star Game:

-Justin Verlander has no business being there
-The AL fan vote is hilarious. Steve Delabar is winning it right now! Who? I honestly have no clue. He probably fucks kids.
-Jim Leyland took three catchers and two of them are named Salvador Perez and Something Castro. Every team being represented in a game that means something is the dumbest thing ever.
-There is zero reason to have two White Sox and two Twins on the AL team. Leyland did a terrible job with the roster. Jesse Crain and Glenn Perkins! LOL! They’re TOTES better than Longoria and Beltre!
-Derek Jeter is still the only good SS in the AL. Hardy and Andrus are garbage and Reyes is made out of glass vaginas.
-I will post the Celebrity Softball Game rosters on Monday. It is one of my favorite events of the sports year. James Denton BRAH!

In conclusion, I really hope that Yasiel Puig makes the All Star Game because he is sick and actually makes watching a game fun and interesting. I even think that the haters would enjoy watching this guy fly all over the place. But I won’t actually vote in that contest because voting is for lame people. Justin Verlander sucks. Needed to be said one more time.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Dwight-Mare Vs. The LeCision


So a lot has happened in the NBA world in the last week and I really couldn't give a fraction of a fuck if you're tired of the NBA.  Because I am NOT a man of the people.  I feel I've been pretty clear on that.  Now that Dwight Howard has picked a team and half of the league has dusted off their knees, iced their jaws down and started searching for their self respect...let's do a little comparison of two of the most annoying free agent acquisitions in the last three years and see who comes out on top.  Dwight Howard vs. LeBron James.

The Decision - I was torn when this happened.  On one hand I fucking haaaaaaaaaaate the Cavs and hate their fans even more.  So watching their hearts get ripped out of their chests on live TV like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was so God damn tasty.  The cut to live shots of the fans reacting was seriously one of the best things I've ever seen.  That night you were fortunate enough to see the true nature of sloping head Cavs fans when pure evil and hatred just erupted from every pore.  It really was equal parts hilarious and pathetic.

On the other hand, I knew LeBron was leaving so I was excited to be able to actively cheer for one of the best players we will ever see.  All of the signs of his departure were there and everyone could see it except for Cavs fans.  Which made it even better.  But I was really bothered by the gigantic and unnecessary production he made out of everything.  Because the greatest players in the world in any sport shouldn't behave like 14 year old children.  He just acted and sounded like a complete fucking boob the whole time.  Soaking up all the attention, knowing damn well he was about to leave a city in ashes.  What made it even worse is that same week Kevin Durant, a player on the same level as Lebron, announced over Twitter that he signed a huge deal.  No production, no TV special and certainly no bullshit excuse of donating the proceeds to a cause.  What Durant did was how I felt LeBron should have handled The Decision no matter what his future was.

Douchiest moment: Without question it was when he said, "I'm taking my talents to Souf Beach.".  Magnificently queer moment that gave me intense douche chills.

Summer of Dwight Howard - There is no name for this courtship that I am aware of at the current moment.  And since "Cater to an infant one dimensional center who probably still actively colors-ision" doesn't flow very can see why I simplified it.  Most people are just calling it the Dwight-Mare.  Because from start to finish this whole story has been just that.  A chaotic fucking nightmare.

If people didn't hate Howard before this circus rolled into town, then they certainly do now.  Never in my life have I seen a guy go from beloved budding superstar to overrated ass clown almost overnight.  None of this shit makes any sense to me and I think that's why it's so infuriating.  Howard made it pretty damn clear last year in LA that he was not okay with sharing the spotlight with Kobe.  So why the fuck did you leave Orlando on a team that had ZERO stars and that also made the NBA Finals, in the first place?  You were all they talked about there!!   Then last week Howard says that any team he considers an option needs to have two stars on the roster before he gets there.  WUT??  Didn't you just leave that situation in LA?  And didn't you just do nothing but fucking whine about it all God damn year?  Make up your mind, shit head!!.

Then lovely free agency began and Howard started "allegedly" making his demands.  He doesn't want to play with this guy and doesn't want to be coached by this guy.  And this team needs to get more stars if I'm going to consider them and I need this much money.  Fuck!  What a diva.  Most girls don't come with this much baggage.  Now that I think about it...Howard is probably furious at Aaron Hernandez for ruining his summer and stealing his headlines.  Hey asshole!  Next time you murder someone can you not have it coincide with Dwight Howard's free agency?!  THANK YOU!!  Sheesh!  Some people...

Douchiest moment:  It had to be when Howard said he was "turned off" at Kobe's suggestion to stay in Los Angeles so he could show Howard how to be a winner.  I can't believe a guy with five rings has the BALLS to tell Howard he doesn't know how to be a winner.  Psshhht.  What an IDIOT!

The winner:

Dwight-Mare - As much as all of you here loathe LeBron for what, at least he was quick about the process.  And at least he was undeniably the best player in the league when his shit went down so you could at least make a case for his ridiculous behavior.  There's nothing worse than an OVERRATED athlete taking advantage of everyone's goodwill and sucking from the teet until it's a dried up, wrinkly, barely recognizable titty.  I really think Howard knew he was going to Houston all along and just drug his feet because he is the worst kind of attention whore.  A childish attention whore who acts out to get more attention.  And I really don't know why so many teams were behaving like the fucking Beatles just walked through the door when Howard hit free agency.  He's what...the 20th best player in the league?  If that?  Does a guy who has no jump shot and who can't be on the floor in the last 2 minutes of any close game really deserve all this fuss?  I don't think so.  What I do know is I cannot wait to watch Kevin McHale mentally destroy Howard one game at a time with "no reason" benchings for the next four years.  It'll give me something to do while the Pistons target their next free agent to waste money on.