Thursday, January 31, 2013

These Prop Bets Are Chock Full Of Deer Antler Spray

Imagine the performance enhancing powers from the antlers of this creature!
Before we get into my favorite Super Bowl prop bets, there are a few football topics that I want to briefly discuss. So apparently, Ray Lewis’s miraculous comeback from a torn goddamn triceps is due to his love for deer antler velvet spray. I just—I don’t even know what to say about this. I mean, who the fuck even thought of testing that to see if it possessed human tissue building capabilities? I can’t even imagine a more random thing to research to determine if it was similar to HGH. That is fucking BANANAS. The fact that Ray Ray’s dirty blood is now combined with his rusty knife 4 days before his last game is just tremendous. OBVZ he is going to play because The Rog is way too much of a pussy to suspend him now but this is just awesome. If you didn’t hate Ray Lewis before (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!), then you should definitely now.  I'm sure that this mouth steroids spray is all part of God's grand plan.

Is there any doubt that Jim Harbaugh was behind this story leak? He’s probably just getting back at John for making up those rape charges for Mike Crabtree. I’ll tell ya, the prank war between the BRAHs is getting heated!

Also, in his certain LOL-worthy interview with THEE Dr. Phil McGraw airing today, Ronaiah Tuiasasopo revealed that he fell in love with Manti Te’o. HAHAHAHAHA!!! What a swerve! Everyone wanted to believe that Manti was gay but, in reality, it was actually the Catfisherman who was looking to get his anus hooked! And you know that this guy was beating off constantly while Te’o was saying comforting things to “the love of his life” while "she" was "dying". Notre Dame = gay.

With that out of the way, let’s get into my Top 10 favorite prop bets for the Super Bowl!!!

MVP – Let’s get this one out of the way first since it is a total crapshoot. You are going to be tempted to bet money on Ray Lewis here. DO NOT DO THAT. He’s not going to win it. That’s a waste of money and it makes no sense why his odds are the 3rd lowest (+800). The 49ers can’t win the Super Bowl without Colin K being the MVP. FACT. The Ravens can win the Super Bowl without Flacco being ELITE. I sort of like Boldin and Torrey Smith at +1500 if you want to take a flyer on this prop.

10. The number of times Ray Lewis mentions God in his postgame interview: OVER 3 - This is a fucking lock if Baltimore wins.  It is never going to happen if they lose and he is too "heartbroken" to speak much.  By the way, this is one of the best props of all time.

9. The number of times that the announcers refer to the game as the Harbaugh Bowl, Har-Bowl, or Super Baugh: UNDER 2.5 - You would think that this would be an easy over but I honestly don't think that the CBS booth will say it more than once.  Nantz is a pro who doesn't usually get sucked into sideshows (Butler Cabin excluded) and Simms is such an idiot that he probably doesn't even know that these coaches are related.

8. Colin Kaepernick’s 1st TD pass: UNDER 13.5 yards - I've just got a feeling on this one.  I don't see either team really airing it out early (lots of dink and dunk AKA The Todd Haley Special).

7. Torrey Smith receiving yards: OVER 65.5 - I'm a big fan of this kid.  The Ravens are going to throw it deep.  They always do.  They usually only throw it to Smith.  And I've seen Carlos Rogers play enough to know that he enjoys getting burnt.

6. Colin Kaepernick first rushing attempt: OVER 5.5 yards - I really like this one.  He's going to be nervous and will not hold on to it on a zone read unless the hole is wider than Tony Siragusa's ass.

5. Will either team score in the first 6 minutes: NO - Neither one of these teams has gotten off to good starts in either of their playoff games.

4. Alicia Keys National Anthem Length: UNDER 2:05 - Last year, Fat Ass Kelly Clarkson sang it in 1:34.  Even though Keys is way more talented, can she tack on an extra 30 seconds?  Hells nah, BRAH.  I also like the prop that Keys won't screw up any words.  She's a pro, dammit!

3. How many times will “Harbaugh” be said during the game: OVER 20.5 - Are you kidding?  Why would anyone bet the under?  Has there ever been a football game where the head coach was just ignored by the broadcast booth?

2. Total combined pass completions by both teams: UNDER 38.5 - In the playoffs, Flacco averages 19 completions and Kaepernick 16.  They are both facing better defenses than anything they've seen the past month.  The under is an easy play.

1. First half total points: UNDER 23.5 - Don't even think about it.  I proved last year that this prop is a lock. 

I don't like many of the yardage props this year simply because both offenses are unpredictable and inconsistent.  So I'm sticking with QB props and betting on both of them being nervous.  That seems like a winning strategy to me.  Tomorrow, I get to unleash my annual 15 pronged prediction generator to determine who wins the Super Bowl (and unveil the Bowl Mania Standings!).  Just admit're falling in love with me.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Open Forum: Terrible TV Characters

I like to think of myself as a bit of a TV expert. I seriously watch way too much of it but I’m OK with that so deal with it. Don’t believe me? The DVR in our house has 59 shows on series pass and at least 50 of those are all me. That being said, it is with great sadness that tomorrow will be the series finale of 30 Rock. I don’t care what you think—this is the best sitcom of the past decade. It just is. The writing is always smart and edgy. The cast is great. Dr. Leo Spaceman is the best TV doctor of all time. The show had it all. Maybe it’s just that I love Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, and Tracy Morgan (but not Jack McBrayer who annoys the shit out of me). 30 Rock even featured my favorite joke in the history of television (other than the Seinfeld marine biologist story and "Ms. Chanandler Bong") when Jack uttered the classic line “my cousin Tim fixes NBA games”. Buke will agree that this was an outstanding joke.  I think that I was literally rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off when he said that.

Anyway, I hate the idea of no more 30 Rock and since I’m in the mood to hate, how about I got through my series pass list and start identifying the characters on shows that I hate the most? Obviously, Lori Grimes tops a list like this all day every day but she’s dead now (YES!) so she didn’t make the cut. And OBZ no one can ever out-annoy AJ Soprano and Dani from The Shield but we must move on.  These fuckers come in no particular order but when I get to my most hated, you will know:

Andy Bernard, The Office – He has always been pointless and annoying. I don’t even know what the point of him is anymore. I am hoping that he dies at sea before this show ends in a few months because he deserves to die. Also: Erin the secretary is fucking terrible.

April Ludgate, Parks and Rec – Some people on the intertubes actually think that Aubrey Plaza is cute and funny. I have no idea how this is possible. She has never made me laugh because I find hipster losers to be hipster losers. Although she did give Orrin and Ron seems to like her so whatever.

Margaret Thompson, Boardwalk Empire – Stop talking like an idiot and start speaking ‘merican! She is such a wet blanket that constantly tries to ruin the show for me. It is not working. 

Mike BangingMrsBrody, Homeland – This guy is just a dumbass. He blows in every scene but at least he has a bitchin’ car! I also want to mention that I LOVE Brody’s dumb son. He never says anything important but always gets a line or two in per episode that makes no sense like “Hey mom, they have big TVs in every room!” or “Wizards beat the Heat tonight, Dad!” His pointlessness is major LULZ.  Don't ever change, Brody's kid.

Jeff Winger, Community – I hate him. I hate the character and I hate Joel McHale. I have never found either to be remotely funny. Community gets a lot of love from dipshits on the internet but it is OVERRATED. Yeah, I said it. That’s probably because the lead actor is an insufferable douche lord.

Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family – I don’t even know why I watch this anymore. It is terrible. Deep down, I like to think that one day we're going to get a Sofia Vergara nip slip or that the mom and hot daughter are going to start scissoring or something.  This gay ginger doesn’t help. I would also like to see someone murder Manny.

Gemma Teller, Sons of Anarchy – Her gruff and tough exterior pisses me off so much. When she tries to bully someone, I just roll my eyes. This is the same woman that bawled like a little bitch after a Nazi-rape! Katey Sagal is not a good actress. Maybe it’s the writing on the show, but her motives never make any sense. A lot people like to dump on Tara for dragging down the show but Mama Bear is way worse.

Michonne, The Walking Dead – How about another emotion besides “pissed off militant black chick”? You think you could try a new reaction out? Hines Ward is now on this list as well.

Det. Joe Quinn, Dexter – Now that LaGuerta is dead (SPOILER!), Quinn takes the role of “most pointless character” on this increasingly terrible show that should have wrapped up 3 years ago. Tell me, Dexter fans, what does Quinn do? He should just go back to Justified and be Ice Pick which was an ELITE role.  I was debating internally if Batista was more worthless but he now takes the role of over-pronouncing Mexican words.

Hank Moody, Californication – This is the guy. This is #1 on my list of the characters I hate most on shows that I watch. I hate him so much. He is such a hypocrite and a condescending douche bag that it drives me nuts. How many more seasons are you going to try and win your wife and daughter back only to nail some whore and get caught? They have literally been running the same story for 3 years now. As I said during my mini Modern Family rant, I have no idea why I watch this show any more. I HATE HANK MOODY.

Pam Poovey, Archer – I loathe everything about this animated character. The rest of Archer is outstanding.

Lady Mary Crawley, Downton Abbey – I don’t care if I’m the only straight man who watches this show, it is terrific. Lady Mary is a total box though. How could they kill off the insanely sexy Sybil and let that bitch stick around to annoy me? Edith > Mary

Everyone on Parenthood but Craig T. Nelson - This is one of those shows that I watch because the wife likes it and I'm too lazy to go to a different room.  I can assure you that it is the most predictable piece of shit on television.  Everything ALWAYS works out for this awful family.  Lauren Graham and Dax Shepard need to die via AIDS bomb.

Dave Hester, Storage Wars - I'm not mad that this asshole quit the show and is screaming about how fake it is.  I'm mad because he assumes that people didn't already know that.  Why would a lady who collects cat hair also have African art from the 16th century?  It's still entertaining in spite of the YUUUUUUPs.

Frank Gallagher, Shameless - I think that Shameless is terrific but the patriarch of the family is so ridiculously unlikeable.  I did enjoy him giving Valium to an Asian Down's baby though.  That is solid parenting!

As you can see, I need a new hobby. But since I don’t see it as a problem, fuck you for judging me. I got into it over FB with Brady and Grumpy the other night because they are drinking all the jizz out of Kevin Bacon’s dick over The Following on Fox. As I told them, it’s OK. It isn’t great. Let’s see how they develop things. Anyone can make a great pilot. However, I do like how some guy in a Ron Jeremy mask (let me think this, it makes literature references more fun if I feel like the main villain is a big fan of Ron’s autobiography) is lighting random people on fire! My recommendation is just to proceed with caution. Better shows with better casts and better pilots weren’t able to get a second season. If there is one thing that I’ve learned other than everything on CBS not reality-based being SHIT, it is to never get attached to shows on network television.

TV! And things we hate about it! Discuss.  In conclusion, Grumpy is a huge fan of The Big Bang Theory.  BAZINGA FAG!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tuesday's Topic Trough

CAUTION: This Zombie will spear you in the back when you aren't looking before eating your brains.

That picture will make way more sense later.  Quick story from the weekend.  Saturday I went to a Toledo Walleye hockey game.  Less for the hockey and more so I could get cooked on 32oz Labatt Blue while being an obnoxious twat.  Just know that I was successful.  While at the game I noticed a table with two very familiar looking black men.  Upon further inspection I realized that the men in question were Eric Metcalf and Hanford Dixon.  So naturally I did the creepy fan thing and fucking smothered them with affection.  To my surprise they both loved it...because they were being totally ignored by almost everyone there.  I later found out why.  Just down the corridor there were three former Michigan football players taking pictures and signing autographs.  Kevin Koger, Elliott Mealer (who is a first class cock sucker, by the way) and Damman's man crush Jordan Kovacs.

I still can't believe people cared more about three Michigan guys who probably won't be in the NFL more than two fucking Browns legends.  Sad day.  Which explains why Metcalf was crushed on vodka cranberries.  Oh...and the fact that Ace successfully navigated through UT without being seriously injured is a God damn miracle.  It's also tragic since Ace sucks.  The place we partied in before the game was a block away from campus and a complete crack house shit hole.  I'm not sure they could have plopped that turd of an institution in a worse part of a terrible city.  Well done, dip shits.

Just a slop trough of topics today so put your bibs on.

Hines Ward is going to be an extra on The Walking Dead - Why are you trying to make me hate my favorite show, AMC?  Why must you have arguably my most hated player from my most hated team of ALL FUCKING TIME make a cameo on MY show?  I guess the only saving grace is that he's going to be a walker...and if AMC plans on making this right with me then they will destroy his cheap shotting ass in the most gruesome way possible.

NostraMADDEN! - So apparently the Madden video game simulation has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner 7 times out of the last 9 years.  This year's winner?  The Ravens...of course they fucking would.  Good thing I don't buy into bullshit like this.  I would rather get my dick run over by a tank than watch Ray Lewis win another championship.

Kris Humphries has herpes LOLZ - There is a lady out there who is suing Humphries for going all Ron Mexico on her.  I guess that's one way to convince the world you don't engage in dude sex.  She claims Kristopher gave her the raw tube steak one romantic night over several glasses of Franzia...a claim he does not deny.  But he DOES deny that he gave her herpes.  To the point where he got tested and is willing to Internet post his clean ween results.  What's more LOLZ here?  The fact that an athlete is so careless with his pecker or that Humpheries doesn't know that the herpes virus can lay dormant for years before blistering his privates?

I fucking hate Judge Judy - Of all of the terrible shows future Mrs. Ice watches, this is probably the one that does the most damage.  GAAAAAAAAAAAAH do I fucking hate Judge Judith Sheindlin.  She can drink my piss.  This bitch is the worst.  She hates everyone, asks people questions about what happened then cuts them off with a cunty remark before they can finish.  You asked me a question you fucking gray clam!  Fuck off and let me answer it then you can get your snarky fucking comment in!  GET IN THE KITCHEN!!!!

Milwaukee PenisNoses - So the Brewers let a fan design there new uniforms and logos, eh?  Was the penis nose on purpose or by total accident?  Because whatever that thing has a dick for a nose.  Apparently the phallic symbol on the patch and on the hats is known as "Barrel Man".  I've already spent too much time on this.  Baseball is so fucking gay.

J.J. Redick has Bieber Fever - Holy Christ on a cracker!  Redick was spotted at a Bieber concert and blames it on his wife!  First of all, is your wife 12?  What the fuck is she listening to Beebs for?  Does it help her pass the time in between gym class and social studies?  Second...grow a fucking set.  Future Mrs. Ice once asked me to go to Twilight: Breaking Wind (that's what it's called, right?) with her.  I said, "I will not.  Because I'm not a fag.  But if you want to see it, here's a $20.  Go nuts."  You have to draw the line in the sand somewhere or before you know it you'll be agreeing to try on dresses for her.  My line is Twilight and since Redick appears to be a eunuch, he will be wearing dresses soon.  One more thing:

Never forget.

RonDOH! - The Celtics are toast.  Rajon Rondo has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.  Remember when I said the Celtics are shit?  Remember when I said they would miss the playoffs this year?  Remember when Paul Pierce started shopping for bras at Victoria's Secret?  I couldn't be happier about this.  Why?  Because fuck the Celtics.  And double fuck Rondo.  That little shit needs to be knocked down a peg or fucking eight and needs stop acting like a little bitch every time he laces them up.  He's been spending too much time in "How to be a Cunt 101" taught by Kevin Garnett.  Seriously...those two dildos are impossible to like.  Only a fuck face Celtics fan can find ways to defend these assholes.

This should give us enough topics to successfully prevent everyone from doing anything productive at work today.  If that's not enough, BONUS NUGGET!  I just read that Joe Flacco is looking for $20 million per season with his new contract.  Fuck me sideways.  Not since Gilbert Arenas will a larger portion of money be pissed away if the Ravens pay that.  Fingers crossed...

Monday, January 28, 2013

You Guys Aren't Smart Enough To Revolt Anyway

Something something collared greens...
Guess what?  We're talking about Ohio Buckeyes football again today.  I truly am a turd for constantly writing about my mortal enemy, but here we are.  We wouldn't be talking about them if they ever stopped making news.  This time around, old Geno Smiff is trying to sodomize the fans and it's another round of bullshit and lies from King Affirmative Action.

I doubt that it has made national news anywhere outside of Ohio, but Ohio State is raising ticket prices this year (nothing is official yet, but it's happening and we all know it).  Last year, they charged 70 bucks a pop to get into the Horseshit and watch really bad football.  In 2013, that will likely go up to $79.  Eighty bucks...per person...per game...have you seen that schedule next year?  There isn't an opponent that I would pay more than 8 bucks to watch play.  I've paid to see The University AT Buffalo bumblefuck the pigskin down the field before and I would not recommend it.

The interesting part of the season ticket price hike is the creation of "premium game" prices.  Twice per year, Ohio State will jack up prices for tickets even more than $79.  Penn State and Wisconsin are rumored to be $110 tickets next year and I can't really figure out why.  Both of those programs are getting worse.  Michigan will be around $150 per person in 2014 with hopes that in 2016 the price will reach it's final resting place of $175 per seat for THE BIG GAME.

I understand that not all games are created equal and have no problem with Ohio charging different prices for games.  That's cool.  But if you are going to gouge your idiot fans $110 to watch a 6 loss Badger team, you sure as shit better be charging a max of $50 for Florida A&M (LOL nice schedule!).  Don't worry about what's fair though, Gene Smiff gives no fucks.  When factoring in the premium prices, one season ticket for Ohio State football costs around $90 per game.  NINETY BUCKS.  That's absurd.  You've got a good product that is only going to get better OBVZ, but it ain't that good.

Gene says that the rise in ticket prices is to help sustain the other 35 D1 sports on campus.  Oh fuck you.  Fuck you to hell.  Don't you dare ask me to believe that manure.  You print your own money.  Stop acting like this is the last resort.  What happened to all of that Big Ten Network money or BCS cash or Les Wexner's homo donations?  YOU AREN'T BROKE.  You can afford whatever you want without fucking over your idiot fans.

I am an ELITE individual that is a college football season ticketholder.  Last year, I paid $55 for five games (and got a free hat!).  I was able to see three bowl bound teams and a future NFL QB.  I still felt like I got robbed.  I can't even begin to wrap my ahead around the rationale of forking over $800 for 8 likely blowout football games.  What I'm trying to say here is that the MAC is the greatest.  And Gene Smith is back with a new bag of awesome lies.  I'm interested to hear what you Fuckeye fans think about this garbage.  I can't be the only one who thinks that THE BIG GAME isn't even close to being worth $175 to see live.

The sad thing is that none of you care.  You'll pay these greedy fuckers with their sketchy logic.  You could earn a lot of respect from people who don't respect you at all if you stand up to this bullshit, but you won't.  Because you are homosexuals.

Some other thoughts on our first NFL-less Monday in 4 MONFS:
*I guarantee that we could play Eastern Michigan in hoops and score more than 4 points in 20 minutes.
*The Cavs have won three in a row and Kyrie is the TROOF.  PLAYOFFS!
*The Blue Jackets raised beer prices again this year.  It's now $9.25 for 24 ounces.  Assholes.  Drew, I want free tickets for Saturday.  Get on that shit POST HASTE!

That's it for today.  I don't know what Icicle has up his sleeve for tomorrow or what I'm going to do on Wednesday, but Thursday will be Prop Bet Mania with Friday being the final round of our bowl pool/Super Bowl prediction.  Gene Smith is gay.

Friday, January 25, 2013

The Money Shot Tackles Gun Control

Your ball struck my foot.
I’m not one to focus on national issues or anything but it’s hard not to notice the massive debate on gun control currently taking the nation by storm. Either you fall in line with the rednecks or the pussies. Now I freely admit that I have no idea what I’m talking about today, but that has never stopped me from forming an opinion before and it won’t stop me now. So I figured that the rest of uninformed idiots can spend the day arguing about this. Coming off of our ELITE presidential election debate here, this feels like the next logical step.

OK, so following that pretty awful school shooting in Connecticut, the aging hippie liberal douches of the world want guns outlawed (or something). Crazy gun-toting hilljacks would prefer those people to get fucked by shouting SECOND AMMENDMENT from their shanties. Much like politics, no one is right and everyone is wrong as most feel like any further legislation is a direct attack on THEM when it is meant to improve society or protect your freedom based on whatever side you fall on. Here is what I know to be facts:

1. Unless you are a law officer or in the military (or JAKE MONTROSE!), you don’t NEED a gun.
2. The Bill of Rights was written without assuming that crazy people would shoot up schools and movie theaters.
3. Tougher restrictions will not eliminate tragedies…but neither will sitting by idly.

You know by now that I lean heavily toward the liberal side of things. So if I was forced to choose sides, I’m going with the “think of the children” side over the “goddamn ‘bama trying to take away all my ammo” side. It reminds me of Full Metal Jacket. Sgt. Hartman found a jelly donut in Pyle’s foot locker and rightfully went ballistic on the disgusting fat body. Instead of punishing the fatso though, he made the rest of the company do burpees (I am becoming quite an expert at these by the way) as punishment. The same thing applies here. One asshole can ruin it for everyone. If someone shits in the punch bowl, the rest of the punch may be completely innocent and responsible, but it’s still got shit in it. So until every gun owner can be held accountable, people will always be trying to pry them from Charlton Heston’s cold dead hands.

Is it fair? Of course not. It also wasn’t fair to have an assload of kid and teacher funerals and their families having to live with that for the rest of their lives. Some times, you need to sit back and take some perspective, NRA members. Are you a hunter? Go get a crossbow or be a man and start snapping deer necks. I GUARANSHEED that venison tastes better if you killed it with your bare hands. Are you a woman? You shouldn’t own a gun if you can’t drive anyway but go buy a taser. Are you trying to protect your family? Be like me and let your ELITE fists do the killing for you.

My point here is that this debate will not go away ever. And if you ask me (and you do), the people that want to get rid of fire arms make a lot better points than the people with bumper stickers on their trucks do. Let’s talk about this today. The more uninformed and ignorant opinion, the better! I’m G$ and I approve this message.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

It's Still All About The U

"If the NCAA is going to do this to us, then they better kill The U."--pretty much every stupid Ohio State football fan


Due to incredibly incompetent NCAA investigating, it sounds like The U is going to skate by and not receive any further punishment from the wild saga of Nevin Shapiro.  NCAA President Mark Emmert is pissed about this.  I can see why.

I mean, the Canes broke just about every rule in the book and he can't do shit about it now.  You all remember what happened: abortions, hookers, drugs, Ray Lewis murdering two Ohio natives and then eating his blood-stained white suit--all of it great reading material.  And yet other than two self-imposed bowl bans, Al Golden and Company are going to feel no further wrath.  Normally, a respected intelligent "journalist" such as myself would be pissed that the bad guys won but, you know, fuck Ohio.

This is just the best.  What Uncle Luth wants, Uncle Luth gets.  The U will never be destroyed!  Consider today's topic a chance for Fuckeye fans to piss and moan about how life isn't fair while the rest of us point and laugh at them for being dumb.  It will also permit us to make it 234 straight days of squeezing in an Ohio State football reference.  BONUS!

Sorry for the short post but there isn't much more I can add to this since I don't really get why this case went to shit (seeing as I've spent zero days in law school) and I'm still getting used to new work responsibilities that blow.  You know, maybe I should send my resume to NCAA HQ.  God knows that there are about to be a TON of job openings there.

In conclusion, and completely off topic but important nonetheless, I've been doing some thinking recently and I think that it might be time to get the band back together.  That band, of course, is The Fucktards.  I think we need to strongly consider a return to the Bar Team Trivia circuit.  Thoughts?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

This Week's "Asshole of the Week"

There better be a good reason why this is not in my lap right now.  You know, because I AM A HOMOSEXUAL!!!
I figured that I should probably just reference Urban Meyer at the start since he is on a 233 day streak of being randomly mentioned in the comments here.  Make that 234!  Plus, if we're talking assholes, I can't think of a bigger Gaped Crusader than Urb.  I don't have a lot of time today as I spent yesterday preparing for the start of my not ELITE demotion today with it.

We did this once before and it's a damn shame that I haven't dusted off this old chestnut since.  I was able to come up with a handful of candidates for this week's Asshole of the Week and we need to determine who is the most deserving of the title.

Russell Westbrook - I hope that you all saw this from some time last weekend.  The Nuggets mascot was lining up a half court heave that, if he made it, would have won everyone in the arena a bowl of queso.  The shot was on line and could have went in but Westbrook pulled a KG and goaltended it when it was a few feet from the basket.  WHAT A DICK!  Look, the last thing that America needs is more cheese but that was such a prick move.  Fear not though--KoKo got the last laugh as he single handedly defeated the Thunder.

Bill Belichick - Shannon Sharpe took a break from devouring his customary postgame bucket of oats to make a rare great point: quit being a little bitch.  You lost, Bill.  Sack the fuck up and do the interview with the network that you are required to do.

Tim Brown - So the Raiders intentionally threw the Super Bowl because Bill Callahan (new Cowboys OC!) wanted to be nice to Jon Gruden?  How does this make ANY sense?  If everyone on the Raiders believed that the coaches purposely put an awful game plan in place, then why has no one said a word about this?  This story is fucking cray.

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo - I still can't decide if this cat is an evil genius or just plain evil.  With each new side story from this sordid mess, RT keeps getting more devious.  By the way, I have made my decision on Te'o.  He's a fucking moron.  This shit would have never happened if he would have stopped being a pussy and crushed all of Indiana's finest ass every night (male, of course).

Tommy Tuberville - This happened a few weeks ago but it flew under the radar nationally.  From what I can tell, Butch Jones got the QB from Massillon to commit before he left.  T-Double came to town on his hillbilly horse and rescinded the contract offer.  That kind of shit might fly in Lubbock, Texas, asshole, but this is Ohio...THE HEART OF IT ALL.  Tuberville is going to be a massive failure in Clifton and it is going to be great.

So who is the Asshole of the Week (well, other than Ray Lewis)?  I'm going with Westbrook.  That is the kind of behavior that makes the public turn against you.  Keep dressing like a hipster douche, jerk, and you owe me a bowl of heart attack.  And if you want to talk about that blockbuster that the Cavs and Grizzlies pulled off yesterday, then have at it.  Who knew that Jon Leuer was so valuable!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Super BRAH!

                                 "I've always had the prettier boner."

And here we are.  The motherfucking HarBOWL.  Fucking gag me already.  Any human rooting for the Ravens in this situation can get their dick ripped out at the root.  The vision of Ray Lewis hoisting another Super Bowl trophy over his head is enough to make me want to dig out my eyeballs with a melon baller.  Lucky for all of you I happen to have a cousin that works for the Ravens organization.  He is a terrible, terrible human who happens to work closely beside John Harbaugh.  I'm pretty sure he has punted babies into lava pools at some point in his life.  After the Ravens had beat the Patriots on Sunday I received the following email from him.  Which is weird because we never talk to the point where you would think he doesn't even exist.  Enjoy.

/John Harbaugh runs to midfield as the game expires.

John: Nice game, dick lover! How did you like us ass fucking your shit stabbing QB all fucking night? You probably loved it since you're gay as fuck! Tell that cock jockey Brady to stick to what he knows best. Lotion, scented lubes, anal toys and beating off to pictures of ejaculating dicks!!

Bill Belichick: Uhhhh. Okay. How about a lesson in humility?

John: /in a mocking tone Uhhhh. Okay. How about you go the fuck home and suck your wife's black dick? Move along, loser. Back to the locker room so you can SpyGate naked pecker. WOOOO! FUCK YOURSELF!!

BB: Asshole.

Moments later...As the Baltimore Ravens board the plane John Harbaugh's cell phone rings.

John: This better be sexy pussy or the President calling this phone or your fuckin ass is getting hung up on.

A muffled mystery voice on the other line

Mystery Voice: Cock sucker says what....

John: What?

MV: /snickering Cock sucker says what...



John: Well if it isn't little fuckin brother...

Pilot: Sir, you're going to have to power down your phone.

John: Hold on...Yeah, I'm not doing that. You obviously don't know who the fuck you're talking to.

Pilot: No...I'm well aware who I'm talking to and in order for us to take off safely I'm going to need you to kindly...

John: Drink my diarrhea. Not happening, shit lips. /back on the phone. Okay...where were we? Oh yes! I was just getting ready to remind you to bring your abortion bucket to New Orleans on February 3rd. It's gonna be messier than the time we killed that hooker in your bathtub back in '94.

Jim: FUCKIN PLEASE!! Like I'm afraid of a sour clam who can't even control the actions of his own team! When that half retarded ape linebacker of yours isn't bawling like a rape victim, hes wearing a t shirt of a homosexual dead man while he dry humps an unsuspecting victim from behind. Not very threatening, Johnathan.

John: Don't fucking call me that! And Art Modell was not fucking gay!  HE WAS A SAINT!!

Jim: Then explain the late nights at the Model home and why the crotch of all of your underwear used to smell like skid marks and bourbon.

John: /blushing. That never happened. did you know my underwear smelled like bourbon?

Jim: Uhhh, what? Lucky guess!  Nevermind.  So here's a question for you.  When you shave your wife's chest you donate it to charity or glue it to your pelvis to make your pussy extra bushy?

John:  HILARIOUS!!  Enough of the child's play you greasy twat.  Can you fuckin believe this shit?!  We both made it to the Super Bowl.  I mean...I knew I would be here since mom and dad like me more and I have the more superior brain.  But you're kind of a surprise to make it this far since you couldn't coach your way out of a gorilla's asshole.

Jim:  Yeah...the only thing that sucks about this game is that it's in New Orleans.  The stench of dead, black, criminals still rot the streets.  I was there two weeks ago giving this skank the Stiff Jimmy in a run down hostel.  When I was done clapping those cheeks, I opened the window since the smell of her moldy beav was making the paint chip.  Had to get some fresh air, ya know?  Welcoming in the New Orleans air actually made it worse!!  It's really off putting and furthers my point that blacks should not be allowed by cities in close proximity to water.

John:  I heard they're like can't get them wet or they start looting and raping white girls.  *gasp* I bet that's why your darkie Crabtree forced his warty dick into that sweet, innocent, vanilla snatch!

Jim:  Nahhhhhh.  It's because he doesn't respect women.  But I'm okay with that because no one should.  Women are lower on the totem pole than garbage men and plumbers.  And I throw balloons filled with my own piss at my garbage man every week if that tells you anything.

John:  What about your plumber?

Jim:  I just drop a juicy turd fillet in the crapper and leave it to marinate for a few days when I know he's coming.  Just to really drive it home that I fucking hate his guts and know I'm better than him and always will be.  Enough of people I don't give a fuck about.  So let's talk strategy.  How do you plan on stopping my brilliant zone read plays?  I mean...those plays even work when that dumb coon Gore goes the wrong way on the read fake!  He's so fucking dumb!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

John:  Easy.  I'll just have my linebackers hold up signs that say "Kaepernick's parents loved drugs more than keeping custody".  And others that read "Adopted kids are fetuses parents couldn't afford to abort."  As a secondary strategy I've actually found Kaepernick's birth mother and convinced her to throw interference by trying to reconnect.  It didn't take much...just a dirty heroin needle I lifted off Garrett Reid's body before he was buried and box of Timbits I wrestled off of a homeless guy.  Only have of them were soaked in his piss.  She didn't seem to care.  Better question for you.  Now that Joe Flacco is an ELITE quarterback, how do you plan to thwart our top flight passing attack?

Jim:  Ha!  Simple.  First I plan on grabbing Torrey Smith by his dirty fucking dreads before the game and telling him that his brother deserved to die and I'm happy one less criminal is off the streets.  Next, I will show Flacco a picture of naked tits.  By my calculations it'll take about 14 seconds before his brain explodes assuming his balls don't rupture first.  That should just about do it.

John:  Solid plan.  Almost as good as mine.  I've had enough talking because I really don't like you that much.  I'm hanging up the phone now so I....

John's phone buzzes with a picture message from Jim.  It's him jerking off.

John:  That little pecker hung up on me!

Pilot:  GOOD!  Can we please take off now?!

John:  One second.  I need to go to the bathroom for about 4 minutes then we'll be good.

That's where the email ended and I can only imagine where it went from there.  According to my piece of shit cousin, the HarBRAHs are close friends with Chip Kelly.  My only hope is that sometime in the future we can get them in the same room together and really take in the atmosphere.  That's it for me.  Enjoy your time with the HarBRAHs courtesy of my cousin who works for the Ravens.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Worst of the Conference Championships Vol.VI

Hey slut, you're not going to like where these end up.
I got demoted last week.  Boy, that's an awesome feeling.  Contrary to what you might think, I'm actually good at what I do and the numbers out of my office prove it.  But I got squeezed in a department numbers game so instead of running my own show as I have for the past 18 months (successfully), I got stuffed into a team environment with three other dudes (2 are ridiculously annoying).  I am the low man on the totem pole now, too (racist?).  It doesn't effect my pay or anything like that but I'm back to being a grunt.  That sucks.  The worst part was the conversation with my boss.  Now, I knew that what is happening now was a possibility but I didn't want to believe it.  So she told me what was going down:

G$: I understand why you're doing what you're doing, but it's hard not to take this as a demotion that I don't deserve.
Boss: Well, three years ago we had to shut down the office in Cincinnati and had to let that staff go so at least you still have your job.

SHUT UP.  DON'T YOU SAY THAT TO ME.  I am not some dumb idiot that is going to kiss the ring because I'm still employed due to your graciousness.  I don't give a shit about those people in Cincy.  That happened years ago.  That effects me in no ways and that is a cop out excuse.  You should be fucking apologizing to me; not trying to justify this bullshit.

Needless to say, I'm working on my resume.  In fact, that is my Lent promise for this year.  I have to get a new job or Jesus can kill me.  I made that pact with the bearded ferry.  I will accept help from anyone to get this situation rectified as I look forward to telling my boss that I quit and then blaming Obama or some other tired cliche that idiots use.  I'm going to stick Grumpy on this.  He doesn't do anything.  Find me a job, old man.  I want 6 figures at a minimum, a stable of slaves, and at least four hours of uninterrupted internet time per day.  If I can be Drew's boss, I would accept.  Get to work.

Enough about me, let's get to talking about the teams not going to the Super Bowl (and Manti Te'o!).

Manti Te'o - Listen jerk, you had no problem talking about your GF on camera after you knew it was a prank but now that we all know about it, you need a lawyer present and no cameras?  This does not compute.  Good job putting this all on your asshole dad though!

Michael Crabtree - Looks like rape accusations aren't just for white oaf quarterbacks anymore!  Nice fumble at the one, turd.

Typical Falcons - What the fuck?  How can the same team look like the GOAT in first halves and then a goat in the second in back-to--back weeks?  Makes no sense but at the same time, when you think about these guys, it makes perfect sense.  They should have lost last week.  The inevitable was delayed until yesterday.  World keeps spinnin'.

Matt Ryan - I don't care if he got his first playoff win last week or not--dude is still a loser in my book (an ELITE book).  Much like another playoff loser showed last week (Peyton), stupid turnovers down the stretch are always killer.  Let's see if idiots make excuses for Matty Poop.  Although his shoulder did get Kevin Bossed on that final drive.

Jimmy BRAH - Did you see that terrific tantrum he threw after his failed challenge?  My God was that some great stuff.  Someone didn't get a pudding cup at the team meal this morning.  Just remember that if you are rooting for the Niners then you are rooting for Jim Harbaugh to be a champion.  Are you ready for that?  I want to believe that I am, but I know deep down that I am not.

David Akers - TERRIBLE.

DESTINY - You can't spell "SUPER BOWL" really, really incorrectly without "A-L-E-X B-O-O-N-E"!  I'll be honest, I never thought that this shirtless drunk Hulk would ever make it in the league but he has so good for him.  Although I think that he's buddies with commenter Daniel so fuck him.

Final Thoughts - Just a really entertaining game.  The better team won.  The chokier team choked.  After a shaky start, the Niners offense overcame nerves and rape accusations to dominate.  I'm 90% certain that San Fran wins the Super Bowl.  By the way, everyone won this game in the Super Bowl Mania since it was a push.  LET'S ALL MAKE OUT!

Mr. Ace - Drew sent me a text that Ape was using the blog handle to tell the world about how great it is to be vegan.  I hate Ape.  Stop embarrassing this fine site.

Wes Welker - I'm not sure why, but I really hate small gritty white guys.  It brings me great joy to see Woodhead get decapitated and Welker drop multiple crucial passes.  Fuck Whitey!

Tom Brady - It was no butt fumble, but his scramble/get tackled by the ref was major lulz.  By the way, that's now three games in a row where Joe Flacco has been the best QB on the field when facing the Patriots.  For as much love as I give Eli Manning, I'm starting to shift that to Flacco.  That cat can play.  I'm sorry but it's true.

Aqib Talib - Not only does he look exactly like Snoop Lion or whatever that cornball brotha is calling himself these days, but Talib makes a strong case for being the worst person in the league.  Go ahead and look at his rap sheet.  It's astounding.

Stevan Ridley - DEAD!  Bernard Pollard was sent to Earth with this sole mission of killing Patriots.  I love him for that.  He's doing God's work!

A lovely recovery - Thank you, Raymond Rice!  After another god awful gambling performance during the early game, I was saved by Rice when he was the first to score a TD at +500.  I can't tell you how much I needed that.  Also, Aaron Hernandez over 64.5 yards was stealing.

Final thought on this game and the day in general - Let this be known so that we don't waste our time with frauds in the future: if you play little pussy bitch finesse football, you will never win a title.  You have to run the ball.  You have to have a rock solid defense.  If it isn't rock solid, it better have a bizarre amount of swag.  Again, YOU HAVE TO RUN THE BALL.  Look at who lost yesterday and who moved on...there are obvious similarities that the winners and losers both share.

OMG.  WE'RE HEADED FOR THE BRAH BOWL!!!!  This is going to be amazing.  I decided to send J-Rupe down for the big game to be our correspondent in two weeks.  When he realized that he would be covering the Brah Bowl, he replied thusly:

BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL!!!  This is the best thing that ever happened to The Iceman!  I can't wait.  For the game and because it's going to be hilarious watching Ray Lewis wipe away all the tears and chase Kaepernick down quite poorly.  My way too early prediction: fucking Ray Lewis is going to go out on top somehow and we will all hate ourselves.  Also, Shannon Scott sucks and you need to find me work.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Chip Motherf*cking Kelly Speaks! Plus Round 7 of Money Shot Bowl Mania!

Homemade by Prime, this will apparently be a play card for the Eagles next year.
As you guys know, I have grown from being The Money Shot's Cal Football beat reporter, to the guy with the inside knowledge and access to Chip Kelly, so in typical Chip fashion, he prepared a statement specific to us that he wanted me to pass along...
What's up, tattered spunk-rags? You may be wondering why the fuck I would want to coach a team with a battery-throwing, ape-infested fan base like the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, I will get to that, but first I have a special message my insider, Prime...

FUCK YOU, ASSBAG! I used your unsuspecting gullibility to spread my lies about wanting to take the Kansas City Murdering/Suiciding Black Guys job! My genius plan worked to perfection as it helped get obese tampon eater, Andy Reid interested in taking such a stupid job, and allowing me to put a big middle finger stamp on his son's coffin by taking his old job. I am intellectually dominant; do not fuck with the Chip-a-nator (I'm aware that that is a gay nickname, but it was given to me by Lane Kiffin's wife while I plowed her vaginal field.)

So what am I going to do to make Philly the dominant force of not only the NFC East, but also the Middle East? Will I make DeSean Jackson do miles and miles of wind sprints before cutting him? Yes. Will I bring Freddie Mitchell back to the Eagles? Yes. Will I tell LeSean McCoy that his nickname is the worst and rename him "Lady McCoy?" Yes. Will I make Ron Mexico go without his Valtrex until he starts up a Philly dog-fighting ring, only to laugh at him after he is caught? YES. But I will also bring my championship brand of up-tempo football to the NFL and butt-fuck the competition harder than RG3's boyfriend did when he accidentally broke Griffin’s knee. The National Football League is in for a surprise when they see my gold plated, erect schlong coming after their quivering anuses.

But what about you clown shoes? I appreciate you all being fans of my greatness, but I can't say the feeling is mutual. I’d like to take some time to focus on you fucks, even though none of you deserve it.

Mr. Ace, we are about to have a love/hate relationship. You will love me because I will bring victory after victory after victory to your favorite team, and I will hate you for being a pussy-ass vegan that I would love to drown in a vat of tofu and cocks. I am well aware of your Spurs prediction last year and your love of Paul Konerko. Your love for me barely balances out the rest of your sports allegiances and that is only because I am the Greek god of football. May the Forcier be with you, fag!

Drew, you are probably too busy spraying Urban Meyer with expensive perfumes and fondling his nipples like a good man-servant should do (see you later, Ace!) but you need to get over your blind affection for Urban. That dude is wound tighter than the noose Jerry Sandusky would use during his erotic-asphyxiation sessions who underprivileged boys in the Penn State showers. When his heart pops and his players carry his limp, lifeless corpse off the field, you’ll be like a lost little puppy in a cold, dark world. Jump off the train while you can (and onto the Chip bandwagon- Schwartz is a mongoloid, anyway.)

Damman fucks fat chicks and that is A-OK with me!

Brady is pissed because I didn’t choose Cleveland? What. The. Fuck? Be honest, if you could work as a high level executive at Apple, or a greeter at Wal-Mart, which would you pick? The Browns job is where coaches go when they want to disappear faster than Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. I would continue shitting on Brady and Cleveland but he has his wife’s brother’s puppy’s baptism to attend, so I doubt he’s been able to read the entirety of this post.

Ide, I like the cut of your jib. The racism is a huge plus. I know more about making gorillas work an open field than most white men, so I’m picking up what you’re putting down. However, I draw the line at your faggoty love of Train. I will slit the Eagles’ stadium sound engineer’s throat if he plays “Hey, Soul Sister” at any point next season. In fact, I’ll rape his mother if he plays anything but Danzig.

Lil’ Strut, would you be interested in being part of my legal defense team after I do everything I’ve talked about in this post? I’d get a more respectable lawyer but no decent attorney would defend such an obvious bad-ass who gives no fucks about the law. I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

Iceman, I wrote this post while drinking the 12-year old top shelf scotch that Wheels sent my way. Thanks, baby! ;)

And finally to the fine author that built this site- G$. You should be proud of yourself for creating this site where pedophiles can comfortably chat on the Internet each day. It is the modern version of Babylon. If you think that because I respect your sick mind and tenacious wit that I’m going to take it easy on the Pigskins, you’ve got another thing cummin’! I’m going to jizz all over FEDEX Field’s gravelly turf while my high-powered Eagles offense eliminates your spray-tanned coach and the rest of his sorry excuse for an NFL team. I hope RGKnee slips on my man-batter and rips every ligament in his body. The NFC East is mine, all mine!!!

You fags keep it up. I’ll check in via my bitch (Prime) from time-to-time, but you should be excited, if not having explosive diarrhea in anticipation of my NFL debut.
Chip is fucking out of control. His move to the NFL has already made him even worse than before. Tread lightly because I could easily see him murdering any one of you just because he gets bored in the offseason.

CHIP KELLY VIA PRIME, EVERYBODY! And THAT is how you earn the honor and prestige of Commenter of the Year. I wish Chip well in his future endeavors but not too well because, you know, fuck the Iggles. Before we go today, I would be negligent not to get Round 7 of Money Shot Super Bowl Mania started. Quick picks this week as the focus today should be on our visor-wearing buddy and his kind words.

San Francisco -4 @ Atlanta O/U 49
I have no idea what to expect in this one. The Niners look unstoppable but who the hell knows if Kaepernick is for real or not and whether he can do it again on the road across the country. I don’t buy it…Falcons 27-24 OVER

Baltimore @ New England -8.5 O/U 51.5
The Ravens always play the Patriots tough no matter where the game is at so this line looks like a slam dunk. Well, it is until you realize that Joe Flacco probably can’t play that well again and that old defense just played 6 quarters of high altitude football last week. I usually don’t like laying this money points but I will here…Patriots 41-17 OVER

So there we go…I’m sticking with my preseason Super Bowl prediction to come true of Atlanta and New England. I may have been more inclined to pick the two road teams if a certain set of BRAHs would have shown up on Tuesday as I was expecting. Oh well, when they both lose on Sunday, they will have plenty of time to find a Toledo-area Chi Chi’s that is still open. Here are the updated standings after round 6:
31-20 – Drew
30-21 – Prime, Buke, and Li’l Strut
29-22 – Seal (coming on STRONG recently)
28-23 – Iceman
27-24 – Brady
26-25 – Jsaul
23-28 – Jeff and Dut
22-29 – G$
21-30 – Grumpy
20-31 – Nate B
17-34 – Damman
15-36 – Mr. Ace
13-38 – Andrew

Why yes, I did add games missed as losses to make myself feel better about being an awful gambler in the playoffs (as well as bowl season). Why do you ask? See you on Monday. Don’t go falling for any hoaxes and remember to CARRY THE FLAG tomorrow night.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

We Should Probably Discuss LIESTRONG (AND FAKE-O!)

Nothing is more effective than hired goons.
"I hope somebody breaks a baseball bat over your head. I also hope that one day you have adversity in your life and you have some type of tragedy that will … definitely make an impact on you."—one of Lance Armstrong’s henchman to the wife of a teammate who just wanted to tell the truth

For as little as I care about cycling or doping, it’s kind of hard to ignore this week’s Lance Armstrong news cycle. The sport of bike riding is, to me at least, not interesting at all and thus I don’t pay attention ever. I give no fucks about Lance winning 7 races in France. I don’t care about performance-enhancing drugs. If everyone is on it (and this sport, that is apparently true), then who cares? If you’re going to cheat, you better end up being the best otherwise you come off even more pathetic. But when this story is uncovering a subculture of lies and cover-ups that would make Jim Tressel wince, threats of violence, and furiously angry charity donors…well, that gets my attention. And that is why we will be spending the day on Ol’ One Nut.

First up, the lies! This happens all the damn time and you would think that athletes would know better by now. When you get nailed doing something wrong, just fess up to it right away. The denial and the cover-up make things so much worse than they need to be. Should Pete Rose be in the Hall of Fame? Yeah, but when you spend 20 years lying to everyone then fuck you very much. I think that Andy Pettitte handled scandal about as well as he could. You just admit to it, say you’re sorry, and call Roger Clemens a fag. Lance did it all wrong. He waited until he was stripped of everything before doing damage control. Because of this, I don’t feel bad for him at all.

Now let’s get to the threats of violence expertly reported by ELITE Yahoo writer Dan Wetzel. Wetzel is such a stud. I hope that he gets sucked off morning, noon, and night by the finest strippers. I’m sure we all remember numerous teammates and friends come out over the years claiming that Armstrong cheated and he repeatedly denied it. I like that Lance went a step further by making direct threats to those accusing him. That’s terrific. The idea that a champion cyclist could ruin someone’s life is just ridiculously humorous to me. What’s he going to do—make me wear spandex shorts? It really is stunning that Lance would go so far and so hard at people who were literally not saying anything untruthful about him.

Finally, we should address the perceived charity fraud. It’s true that without his cycling achievements, no one gives a dime to LIVESTRONG. And these people that bought into all the shit that Lance and his team of assholes sold them should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves. But is it really THAT bad? If you gave money to the yellow bracelets, you gave money to cancer awareness*. What’s wrong with that? It comes down to the same sort of logic that Penn State fans used for Joe Paterno: did the good outweigh the bad? I don’t think so for Joey. I do think so for Lance. He shouldn’t be using that as a crutch to prop himself up on though. He should be slinking away into the shadows forever but I feel as if he can be quite proud that he helped a lot of people from up atop his mountain of lies and deceit. Just don’t go calling this fucker Robin Hood. I’m quite certain that he got a healthy cut from your donations.

*What the fuck does that even mean anyway? Cancer awareness? Some people a lot smarter than me probably have some insight into what they did with that money but I take things at face value so exactly who was unaware of the existence of cancer? If you are going to donate, you should probably look into something like cancer research like what Spielman does. They are actively trying to find a cure. I don’t know, maybe I’m completely wrong about this but I get the feeling that most of the donors were giving money to the man and not the cause which is kind of fucked up.

No one reading this actually cares about Lance Armstrong but I’d like to think that most of us at least have some sort of opinion. I don’t plan on watching the big Oprah interview because I don’t want anyone to think that I actually give a fuck about this man or that I know what channel OWN is on my guide. I don’t want any of that. I just thought that it was interesting (even if the sport is not) and it is highly topical this week. Either way, I will always Lance Armstrong for being an inspiration to millions of people everywhere. Well, maybe not, but he did convince Peter LaFleur to rejoin Average Joe’s Gymnasium and defeat Globo-Gym. I’m not sure if it was Lance’s or Pete Rose’s idea to bet on his own team though. That movie is still terrific! Listen up, crotch stain.

In conclusion, people that take cycling seriously are the worst people in the world. And if you didn’t like this post (and I’ve gone on record many times about the worst post ever written here was about cycling), don’t worry because today is DOUBLE SHOT MONEY SHOT DAY. Come back around noon for new material.  Wait--did I forget something since I wrote the above at 3?

HOLY SHIT!  In a story that could have only been broken by a guy that I played Little League with, Manti Te'o's entire fucking life has been destroyed.  Drew called me to break the news demanding that Te'o's Wiseman Award be stripped.  I declined stating that this story only STREMPHens his grip on the award.  Did Te'o make this up?  Was Marques Tuiasosopo involved?  He was, wasn't he...typical Raider.  Was this actually a big prank which would literally be the worst thing ever?  That is such a dickhead prank if true.  But knowing the internet, it would not surprise me.  I don't know what to think.  I probably side on the "internet relationship gone wrong" as football players are not smart enough to pull off something like this and the timing makes zero sense.  Either way, this story is absolutely FASCINATING and makes me proud to be a part of the internet.  Way to go, Tim Burke, you made this Oriole proud.

And again, today is Double Shot Money Shot so come back after lunch for a little something special from one of our own.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Where We Determine Which School Has The Best Hires

You're fucking dead to me, G$.  DEAD!
Do you remember a few years ago when all fine blogs were compiling lists about everything? I do. Boy, times have changed. I can’t even remember the last time that I saw a list on the internet and I am the king of social media (biggest lie ever said here). As college football has begun its hibernation and college hoops is starting to become mildly interesting, I figured today that we could combine the two. Today’s research project had me look at all six BCS conferences and rate which schools have the best combination of football and basketball head coaches. I’m sure that someone has done this at some other site, but I haven’t seen it and thus this is hip and edgy journalism.

First of all, I couldn’t just use one stud to bring up an entire athletic department. Guys like Calipari and Les Miles and Roybert Williams will not be heard from beyond this sentence because the other part of the equation is either garbage or an unknown. If I had to look up a coach, that school was DAIRY QUEENED (Hi Clark Kellogg!). So let’s begin, shall we?

Dishonorable Mention – Ohio State. Urban Meyer is still trying to win a game that actually matters and Thaddeus is a turd.

Honorable Mention – Texas. Mack Brown is doing everything that he can to get fired and Rick Barnes is the worst basketball coach of all time. I only mentioned them because at least you’ve heard of them.

15. Baylor (Art Briles and Scott Drew) – Thanks for RG3, Art!
14. Minnesota (Jerry Kill and Harriett Tubman Smith) – If Kill would ever stop getting electrocuted, he might be able to show everyone that he’s a good football coach.
13. Florida State (Jimbo Fisher and Leonard “Bunny Colvin” Hamilton) – I don’t care…Hamsterdam was a GREAT idea.
12. Oklahoma State (Mike Gundy and Travis Prentice Ford)
11. West Virginia (Dan Holgerson and Chuggy Bear)

10. Duke (Coach K and David Cutcliffe) – I initially didn’t even have these fucks ranked but Cutty is supposedly Peyton’s personal coach so he must not be that horrible.
9. Notre Dame (That Murderer Guy and Mike Brey)
8. Arizona (RICHROD and Sean Miller) – I’m not sure why exactly, but I really like Miller as a coach and as a hunk.
7. Michigan State (Mark Dantonio and Tom Izzo) – This has almost nothing to do with Mr. Personality Dantonio. I had to downgrade Izzo a bit for marrying into a family of luchadors though.
6. Florida (Wilford Muschamp and William Donovan) – Grown men shouldn’t go by Billy. And what happened to the second L in Wil?

5. Michigan (The Hokester and The Undertaker) – Who knows; a year from now this duo could be ranked #1.
4. Oregon (Chipper Kelly and Dana Altman) – OVERRATED? Maybe; but Altman is a very good coach who is turning things around up there and we all know how great Chip is. Prime, please let Chip know that I wanted to rank him first but the lords of the internet would not allow it. Then he can hug me over and over again and tell me that it’s not my fault.
3. Louisville (Black Chuckstrong and Ricky the Abortionist) – I was extremely close to putting them #1. The Cards are going to run trains on the ACC.
2. Alabama (Nick Saban and Anthony Grant) – Grant is still a bit unproven (despite being the architect of that VCU team), but Bama could have Behrman as a coach and they weren’t leaving the top 5.
1. Ohio State (Urb and Thad) – Come on; admit that I got you good. You thought that this was just another attempt at trolling you mouth-breathers, didn’t you?

I have no problem giving credit when it’s due. The fact is that Ohio State hires good coaches. They would have been in the top 3 even if Tress was still lying to everyone here. Just remember that this is the only title that matters and feel free to never pick up any other championships along the way. And if you want, make sure Urban Meyer has a real heart attack this time that kills him. Wait—who am I even suggesting this to? That was some terrible conclusion writing. I could easily delete this paragraph and start over but then you wouldn’t get to truly see how bad I am at this. Oh well, discuss it in the comments…maybe today you assburgers will show up.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Mail In Posts are FAAAAAN-TASTIC!!

   "Lemme warm these fuckers up.  Two hot elbows comin straight for your jowls."

Is it that time again already?  Suck me sideways.  Taking a couple weeks off really makes Tuesday's sneak up on you.  Like Dut in the men's locker room shower looking to check your oil.  I'm fairly unprepared, college football is over and you all hate the NBA.  So naturally this post today is NBA fueled since this topic is ignored more than any comment Brady makes on this Award winning blog.  That means Grumpy, Brady and Damman can all take the day off.  Go run a train on Tonya or something.  The NBA season is about a quarter of the way through and here are some observations I've had so far.  Is January too early for a mail in post?  Fuck no, it isn't!

Nikola Pekovic looks like one of the bad guys from Superman 2 - Let me present my case:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B.

The Prosecution rests.

Demarcus Cousins is certifiably crazy - Let's recap the season so far for the father of Prime's unborn child.  Gets suspended by the league for confronting Sean Elliott post game while still in uniform.  Although most people would never fault him for trying to beat up such a fucking douchy turd nugget like Elliott.  Gets suspended a SECOND time for hammer punching O.J. Mayo in the meat sack during a game for absolutely no reason.  Part of me hopes that punch was so hard that Pete Carroll felt some of the blow.  Gets suspended a THIRD time by Keith Smart for apparently talking back to him during half time of a game I'm sure the Kings were getting blown out in.  Stay tuned for when he stabs a trainer in the heart with a shank he carved from an old Gatorade bottle.

I was TOTES wrong about Andre Drummond - Drummond is still pretty raw but has proven that he belongs in the NBA.  I love his intensity and he's a tireless worker despite all of the draft day knocks that he was just another lazy piss bag.  I really think when this year's draft is revisited, Drummond will be one of those guys people will be surprised lasted until the 9th pick.  The Drummond/Monroe combo will be dirty as fuck moving forward but mostly I'm just glad to have a 7 footer who isn't afraid to throw down a thunder dunk any chance he gets.  I'm looking at you, Monroe.  Enough of the fucking layups, already!!

Anderson Varejao is a throbbing clam - You can't be considered ELITE when your vagina is always bloody or in a sling.  In Pube Wig's 9 year career, she's only lasted a full season 3 times.  I call her she because girls basketball players are more durable.  Talk all you want about her numbers (Cue, Seal) but when you can't stay on the floor numbers mean absolutely nothing.  Now let me contradict myself.

Kyrie Irving is the 3rd best PG in the league - He's currently behind Chris Paul and Russell Westbrook, in my opinion.  Outside of those two I would take Irving if starting a team today.  I know I JUST said you can't be ELITE when your body is made from used tampons but I want to think that Irving's injuries are just horrible luck.  I'll be keeping an eye on the sitch but if this guy can stay healthy (as big of an IF as they come) then I really believe he can be the best PG in the entire league.  His scoring is already there, he's an above average shooter and I think the assists come up once the Cavs start getting better players.  It's hard to collect dimes when Luke Walton is getting minutes.  I'd rather run 4 on 5 than play Walton.

Dion Waiters is a terrible shooter - But everyone besides Cavs fans already knew that.

Those who said James Harden couldn't be "The Man" were wrong - Seal says if the season ended today the Rockets would be in the playoffs.  And I say James Harden is a legit number one on a team that was pig shit last year.  This team is where they're at mostly because of Harden.  Sure, they have Jeremy Lin but this team had very good point guards in Goran Dragic and Kyle Lowry last year and they did nothing but lose.  This upgrade makes me a little sad just because Kevin McHale is a Frankenstein looking cock sucker and doesn't deserve to be successful.  And James Harden is a pretty big cunt himself.

I'm still trying to figure out how Andre Iguodala is considered a "super star" - Can anyone dispute me questioning this?  I was shocked probably more than anyone to see the king of the under bites on the Olympic roster this year.  I mean...was EVERYONE else busy?  You can't do any fucking better than Andre Iguodala?  Iggy reminds me of the guy at the VIP party that lurks in the corner doing his best to be invisible.  He doesn't want anyone to notice him and realize he has no fucking business being there. me out.  Would you want Iggy on your team?   I feel Danny Granger is a better player and Danny Granger is about the best example of average that exists in any sport.  Can you name a better one?

How long before Amare Stoudemire starts openly protesting his bench role - The one thing the Knicks have done a swell job of over the last few years is collect bitchers.  Even Tyson Chandler can be a sour cunt sometimes.  Sure.  STAT is fine with coming off the bench right now.  But just you wait until after the All Star break if this trend continues.  Holy BaJesus the belly aching will reign from the heavens.  I don't know why but I really fucking hate the Knicks.  Probably because they have Carmelo Anthony and he is literally impossible to like.

That's all from me today.  Just remember the more you cry about the NBA the more it makes me want to write about it.  I live to fucking disappoint every last one of you.  Oh.  And don't forget to follow the MoneyShot Twitter account.  I think only one fucking loser here doesn't have a Twitter and that's the founder of this site.  No wonder it sucks so bad.  Mail in posts - 1.  Iceman - 30 billion.  Because I never lose at anything.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Worst of the Divisional Round Vol.VI

Don't you worry your ugly little faces--I've got plenty of gloating to do today regarding the great Manning Bro debate that we constantly do here.  But FIRST...I have been told that this dark corner of the internet is now on Twitter.  I don't know what the handle is or how it even works or if it will improve traffic at all so I'll leave the promotion of the site to you guys.  Someone was saying that a Comment of the Day should be Tweeted daily and that sounds like a decent idea.  Mr. Ace started it up but it's up to all of you to help give us some much needed publicity.  Now that we are on Twitter, I expect us to be just as big as Deadspin by the end of the week.  The pressure is on, queers, but seriously, someone drop the handle in the comments.  hashtag ELITETWEET

For as God awful as the NFL was during the Wild Card Round (and it was), those memories were quickly skull-fucked out of our mind grapes with Denver and Baltimore putting on the game of the year.  Goddamn, that was great wasn't it?  As I said on Facebook, I was rooting for Baltimore which was strange and I felt dirty but it was necessary because...

Peyton Manning - LOLOLOLOLOL I told you that Eli was better!  Would Eli have Favre'd a back-breaking pick in overtime or get way outplayed by Joey Flacks?  NO HE WOULD NOT.  We forgot about how awesome it was when Peyton constantly chokes in the playoffs due to his season long sabbatical from neckAIDS last year.  I didn't.  I remember how glorious those piss-aways were.  Dude is now 9-11 in the playoffs.  That is AWFUL.  And most of those 11 losses are at home when heavily favored.  This has always been the reason why I feel like Eli is better.  I would rather have a guy that can be counted on to be clutch in the playoffs than a guy who will get me the one seed and then choke.  He does this EVERY year (but once).  Eli is better.  I am right.  DEAL WITH IT, FALLOPIAN TUBES.  Also: Tim Tebow won a playoff game with Denver.  Remember that?

Champ Bailey - After getting torched by Torrey Smiff all day, I can now comfortably say that the Skins FINALLY won the Portis/Champ trade from 8 years ago!  Champ got clowned.

Raheem Moore - Not to be confused with Buke's "my black buddy Rasheem", but that was some ELITE terrible safety play on the Jacoby Jones hail mary.  Unfortunately, this dude is going to take a huge amount of blame for the Denver loss when it should be directed at Pey Pey who only led his offense to three scoring drives while unleashing three crucial turnovers.  By the way, it's fun to make fun of Joe Flacco for self-proclaiming himself as ELITE, but when he is on he is REALLY good.  He just isn't on very often.  He was on Saturday and was the best QB on the field.  So I give him some props which Flacks doesn't get a lot of.

Johnny BRAH - A guy who built his resume on special teams was quite shitty with his special teams play, no?

Bill Vinovich and Crew - This game was almost ruined by constant terrible calls.  Eventually, we're going to have the technology that allows Jerome Booger to ref every game.  WE MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN!  FAWWW STAR on the AWWWWFENS.  FI YAWD PINALLY, FOURF DOWN.

Ray Lewis - Yeah, asshole, it was God's will.  You're such a cock face.  Remember those two Ohioans that you helped murder?  You're going to go to Hell for that.  I just want to say that I picked Baltimore to win this game because I am a fucking genius.

Dom Capers - This might be the first time that I call out a DC, but here we are.  Aikman nailed it when he kept questioning why the Packers continued to play man coverage and blitz.  It was entirely ineffective and allowed The Criminal to gash them.  He didn't change at all.  What's the point of having a slow LB spy when he can't run?  That was an absolutely terrible game plan.

Mike McCarthy - I'm starting to think that this guy being a Super Bowl winning coach is a total sham and a fluke.

Jeremy Ross - The Packers lost this game when he MUFFed that punt.  In fact, Greggggg Easterbrook probably write "GAME OVER" in his notebook of Doom after that botch.  I can tell you one thing: Jeremy Rose would not have fumbled.  Two ROOOOOOOSE references over the last few weeks!

Clay Matthews - For those that think that the zone read is a fad that will eventually die, think again.  It isn't going anywhere as long as it continues to embarrass DEs everywhere.  Steroids Boy had no idea what he was doing.  It was TOTES LOLZ.

Colin Kaepernick - I just don't like this guy.  His facial hair is probably the reason.  I just couldn't get into this game.  I was spent from the Peyton Choke.  The Niners looked really, really good.  It even appears that Mikey Crabtree might be an ELITE receiver.  Go Home, Pack, Go Home!

The National Anthem - Not really but it should be noted that before the Atlanta/Seattle game, the Tim Tebow cover band "The Tenors" sang it.  They are invited to Ribfest forever.

Matt Ryan - Jesus Christ, you had your first playoff game easily in hand so much that one of the McCown BRAHs was planning on getting a few snaps and then you launch a terrible pick and it's classic Falcons chokeyness all over again.  My God, these guys are SO lucky.  They did what they always do by not closing and blowing a 20 point FOURF quarter lead but these are not your typical Falcons.  Oh who are we kidding, these are EXACTLY the same Falcons that you know from recent past.

Petey Carroll - I'm a big fan of people questioning horrible coaching decisions from this guy and they are well deserved.  Giving an old Penn State QB/rape victim a 4th down carry and having the clock run out in the first half are exactly the kinds of things I like seeing from my Petey C.  YOU'RE GAY!

Richard Sherman - I H8 this guy so much.  His "you crazy" gesture was icing on his douche cake.  After getting burned by Hot Roddy, it would have been fitting for some random Falcon to give him repeated self-inflicted knife edge chops to the heart which is the universal sign in middle schools of "you a tard".

Rusty Dubs - I am trademarking this nickname.  THIS IS MINE and will be his name from this day forward.  I'll give him credit: he is nearly unkillable.  He is apparently the hardest person to beat in the history of football.  I am so glad that Seattle lost and I look forward to years and years of rooting against these shits.  GET FUCKED SEAHAWKS!

Matt Schaub - Matt Schaub is ass.  I'd rather have Charles Matt Dille (ELITE reference!).  At some point next year, someone like Mike Golic will say that Schaub is a great QB.  You are allowed to punch that person in the gash.

DeVier Posey - He scored a touchdown!  It's probably for the best that they lost since they already have to vacate last week's win over the Bengals because of DeVier's off-field chicanery.  Once a Fuckeye, always a Fuckeye.

A crappy end to a great weekend - I admit that I wasn't following the late game yesterday all that closely.  After walking the dog in the rain and making the greatest white chicken chili of all time, I was busy.  But I think that we are in store for a couple of great games next weekend.  SF/ATL could be a lot of fun and RAY'S LAST RIDE continues for one more week.  Either way, I have a feeling that we might be hearing more from The BRAHs over the next couple of weeks and that is always pleasant.

In closing, Peyton Manning sucks dingers and I was wrong about Ohio State basketball getting crushed by Michigan.  I've been wrong before.  I will continue to be.  Clearly, they took pointers from RedHawk basketball the night before who also blew a 20 point lead only to hang on and win.  I apologize for nothing because I am still leading the nation in greatness.  No Fuckeye could ever be creative enough to invent "Rusty Dubs".  Win.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Round Six of Money Shot Super Bowl Mania

Your grandma may be slow but my Seal is slower, kid.
Yesterday, the big reveal of “How Fucked Up Was Junior Seau” was as expected. Dude had a lot of mental issues from years of bashing his skull into other men. It just sort of confirmed what we already knew. It doesn’t change anything either. The only thing that has changed is that the memory of Seau’s mom bizarre wailing has gone from uncomfortable to hilarious. Yes, I can laugh about that now. I regret nothing. You know what else that I can laugh at (smooth transition, G$!)…the AT&T commercials with the asshole guy asking questions to the dumb kids. I don’t know what it is about them but I find them incredible. Tape a cheetah to her back just kills me every single time. Well done, AT&T. You finally found a marketing campaign that speaks to me because that is exactly how I talk to kids.

But enough about my ELITE communication skills, let’s get to this weekend’s slate of games for the latest round of Money Shot Super Bowl Mania. Updated standings after Bowl Season and Wild Card Weekend will be at the end.

Baltimore @ Denver -9.5 O/U 46
I don’t like the Ravens. For a team as consistently good as they have been over the past 5-6 years, I don’t think that I ever once was excited to watch one of their games. And if I have to hear Mike Greenberg say “Hey diddle diddle, Ray Rice up the middle” again, I’m going to behead John Stamos. What does that even mean anyway? Non-Stabby Ray fumbled twice last week so maybe Cam Cameron’s decision not to give him more carries was a good one after all? Anyway, I’m making this pick by using trends. Last week, all the favorites won and covered. The under hit in every game (which is a miracle). Seemingly every year there is a HUGE upset in one of the first two weekends. Peyton Manning has not been a very good playoff QB and even worse when he has to play outdoors. These are all FACTS. So even though I don’t like it and I don’t think that they will actually win, my washboard abs are telling me that this is the week where the dog strikes back. You know what; let’s get the big upset out of the way early…Ravens 23-21 UNDER

Green Bay @ San Francisco -3 O/U 44.5
Road game or not, this game comes down to one thing...which QB do you trust more?  And it also comes down to which kicker is the worst.  Did anyone see what Greg Jennings' sister had to say about Aaron Rodgers on Twitter earlier this week?  She pretty much said that the former Super Bowl MVP was OVERRATED and a bad QB because he didn't throw to her brother enough.  Is this the first time ever that a family member gave their own team bulletin board material.  Fuck Jim Harbaugh...Packers 31-17 OVER

Seattle @ Atlanta -2.5 O/U 46
I've made it quite clear that I do not like this Seahawks team.  I just want Simmons to be wrong so badly.  He doesn't know near as much as he thinks he does and he shouldn't get his preseason Super Bowl pick right.  NO ONE believes that the Falcons are worth a shit and it's hard to argue against that without blatantly ignoring history.  To me, this game comes down to who wins the matchup between Julio/Roddy and The Drug Bros.  Shockingly, this line has not moved at all and I don't really understand why.  Seattle is CLEARLY the better team no matter where the game is.  There's no way that the public is betting on Atlanta.  So what gives?  It's the pros.  The pros know it.  The pro gamblers know that this is the time when the Falcons shut everyone up and finally sack the fuck up in the playoffs.  To me, this is the easiest bet of the weekend...Falcons 30-20 OVER

Houston @ New England -9.5 O/U 47.5
I hope that you all saw noted pube-head Masshole Dan Shaughnessy's awful column this week where he actually said that the Patriots got two straight bye weeks by getting the Texans in this round.  God would I love to see the Patriots lose this game.  It's not going to happen but New England has a tendency to play closer games than they should this time of the year.  That number is too high...Patriots 27-20 UNDER

That would leave us with Baltimore @ New England and Green Bay @ Atlanta next weekend.  Ugh, those games aren't very sexy.  But I did pick ATL/NE for the Super Bowl before the season so I'm going to keep living the dream.

STANDINGS (still 14 "games" left so plenty of time to make up ground)!
26-17 – Drew
25-18 – Prime
24-19 – Iceman and Buke
23-20 – Seal and Li’l Strut
22-21 – JSaul and Brady
21-15 – Dut
21-22 – Jeff
20-23 – Nate B
19-24 – G$
17-20 – Grumpy
17-26 – Damman
13-16 - Andrew
11-5 – Mr. Ace

That will do it for this week.  Get your picks in, feel free to discuss whatever you would like as if I actually have to say this, and don't forget to GO BLUE!