Monday, December 31, 2012

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.VI

Alright, guys, let's head over to the husky section now.
If you thought that I would lead today's post off with Redskins/Cowboys, then you OBVZ don't know that I write this in shifts.  Don't worry, we'll get to our (hopefully) NFC East title later.  Today is Black Monday in the NFL and it is a glorious day.  I love coach firings.  They are the best.  Pat Shurmur and Tom Heckert are supposed to be gone today.  Andy Reid will be jobless.  A whole slew of other assholes will also be out of work and replaced by other terrible coaches.  I can't wait for the carnage.  All of you fancy pants Twitter people need to make sure that the comments are up to speed on all of the wheelings and dealings today.  Let's get on with the final big weekend of the season (sheds tear) (shits pants).

Pro Bowl Voting - Every year I tell myself that I don't care about this and every year I end up getting pissed off about something.  This year, it's the inclusion of Matt Schaub and Frank Gore.  Those two guys define average.  As you saw yesterday, Andy Luck is WAY better than Schaub and AlfMo is CLEARLY better than Gore in almost every stat category.  It makes no sense.  I hate myself for wasting my anger on this.

Gentleman James Haslam - The Browns apparently are looking for a "new face" to be their next coach.  Oh, this is going to be the LOL-est.  They're going to end up hiring Snoad.

Mike Smiff - Here is how I would coach a team that has nothing to play for: your starters play a half.  If one of them gets hurt in the first half, then they all come out.  When Dunta Robinson lost his head, he should have pulled everyone.  Now the Falcons are without John Abraham and they're going to lose their first game as everyone expected.  Sorry Dawg, but you know this is true.  The bye week is just delaying the inevitable.

Chad Henne and Mike Vick - Both suck dog dick.  I liked seeing Andy Reid's last stand featuring so many aggressive calls, but the Eagles were just too terrible.  Nnamdi Asomugha is AWFUL.  DREAM TEAM!

El Shitbox - This has to be the most fitting nickname for Mark Sanchez ever.  I actually wagered on the Jets +4 yesterday and I regretted it immediately.

Believers of Houston - I have no idea why Houston was a 6.5 point favorite in a place where they have never won but know that I cleaned the fuck up with the Colts yesterday.  Pretty much everything that I said about ATL you can also say about HOU.  This team isn't good because Matt Schaub is a joke.

HEY DREW! - As I was enjoying a Star Wars marathon on Spike this weekend (don't you judge me!), they were promoting the fuck out of THE JOE SCHMO SHOW which makes it's triumphant return on 1/8 at 10 pm.  The Hutch appears to be gone, but Ralph Garman is back.  I can't wait.  This blurb replaces any thoughts that I may have had for CAR/NO and BAL/CIN because I did not have any.

Stat Padford - I saw this nickname in Simmons' column on Friday and I love it.  Padford is so bad.  Here's a question: If you are 6'5" then why do you throw the fucking pigskin like Little League Fitzenreiter (ELITE reference)?  I hate that.  Sidearm is for homos like Clay Rapada.  Throw the ball like a man and quit chucking it off your back foot constantly.  NO ONE regressed more than Padford this season.  He went from ELITE to OVERRATED faster than any QB in league history (may not be true).  I just hate watching him play so much.

Van Heusen - Great idea to have Stat Padford be the face of your company.  If I'm ever in the market for dress shirts at JC Penney, I will remember ol' Stats buttery chin waddling through your selection of neckties.

Dumb Gamblors - After the Texans did what they do best, if you didn't jump all over Denver and New England no matter what the line was, then you shouldn't be doing this.  That was easy ass money.  It was for me.

Not Terrelle Pryor - YEAH BUDDY!  He may be 0-1 as a starter, but he's 1-0 against the spread!  Please make him the starter next year, Raiders.

Idiots - Rusty Wilson is NOT the Rookie of the Year.  OK?

Eric Dickerson - You piece of shit!  All Day is way better than you!  That record belonged to him, dammit!  All of the afternoon games were shit except for Vikings/Packers which was goddamn awesome.  Seriously, that was probably the best game of the season.  Good for the Vikings to make the playoffs (fist yourself, Prime!).  I already know that I'm betting against them next week.  Since the Pack lost, HarBRAH has a bye.  He'll get an extra week of calling David Akers a n*gger, I'm sure. David Akers is ass.

Let's get this out of the way...YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!  NFC EAST CHAMPIONS!  WE SICK!

Dan Snyder - I haven't blamed him for anything in awhile so I'm going to blame him for our shitty field last night.  That was terrible.  Although nothing can slow down our insanely nasty run game.  We're like a service academy with talent.

Miles Austin and Dez Bryant - What a couple of pussies.  That got fucking PWNED by DeAngelo Hall.  Seriously, D-Hall was probably the best player on the field and that hasn't happened since the 2010 Pro Bowl.

DeMarcus Ware - I think that Ware is a really good player but our scheme on him made him look terrible.  He got embarrassed in both games against us.  I love it.

Tony Romo - What would life be without a week 17 DERP from the King of Herps and Derps?  I was nervous as fuck when they got the ball back down 3 but there he was not seeing a 6'4" 260 LB black man apparently and handed him a pick in tremendous Romo-fail fashion.  That was the best.  NO ONE chokes like Anthony Lasagna Romo.  HAIL!

The G$FL - How could we let Ide win the league?  That is grounds for disbanding the league.  Oh well, even Ide can't ruin this day for me (surprisingly).

So there is another regular season in the books.  Now we're left with the winners.  My Skins are still alive!  Tonya, Dawg, and I are the only ELITE fans left around these parts which makes total sense.  Seattle @ Washington next week...goddamn is that going to be a great game.  FUCK YEAH!  GO SKINS!  HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!  HAIL VICTORY!  BRAVES ON THE WARPATH!  FIGHT FOR OLD DC!

Friday, December 28, 2012

The 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year (and Commenter of the Year)

This post has quickly moved to the top of my favorite yearly posts to write list as it sort of encompasses an entire year’s worth of terrible bloggings to determine who the best of the best is. It has not been the most pleasant year in the world of sports/pop culture. I was ignored by Julie Chen in my efforts to be the greatest reality TV star of all time. Jersey Shore clogged my TV’s toilet in their final season. A bunch of assholes won titles on the playing fields. I mean, look at SI’s Sportsman of the Year, LeBron James? I’m not honoring him ever. This is why I asked for help with nominees for the 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year. But I think that we ended up with a quality list of men and an excellent champion to follow in the footsteps of these past titans to win the award:

2010 – Arthur Moats and Corey Wootton (the two men who ended Brett Favre’s career)
2011 – Steve Shubin (inventor of the Fleshlight)
2012 – ???

First things first, yesterday I promised to unveil the inaugural Commenter of the Year award. You probably didn’t realize that you were building or destroying your resume for this trophy every day over the past year BUT YOU WERE! Since Iceman has dubbed himself a “Senior Writer” here, I asked him for his opinion on who deserves this not OVERRATED distinction. He said that one commenter stood above the crowd all year with his humor and creativity that never seemed forced and it was actually exactly who I was thinking of as well. This was not a tough choice for either of us. Gentlemen, the winner of the 2012 Commenter of the Year Award goes to the same stalwart that is holding the MSFL Championship Belt…
When it comes to his comments, your satisfaction is ALWAYS guaranteed.

PRIME! I think the key to this great victory was twofold:
1. He isn’t a blatant homer that annoys everyone (which is rare around here) and
2. He didn’t comment AS Chip Kelly. He commented as himself relaying Chip’s message to the masses. That was huge.

Congrats to our Pac-12 North beat reporter and future father to DeMarcus Cousins’ son. Make sure that you put this on your resume. Everyone will be impressed. Now let’s get to the nominees for Money Shot Man of the Year:

The San Francisco Giants – Do you remember when Tigers fans got all cocky and shit when they made the playoffs as the 7th best team in the American League and then took advantage of two ice cold teams to win the pennant? No big deal, just bring in the queers to put them in their place. We should have all seen it coming when Posey and the Melkster unloaded on Houseboatlander in the ASG. Then Barry Zito showed his superior pitching acumen again in game 1 as the Giants went on to sweep the trash back to their shanties. They did the world a huge favor and celebrating in Detroit was just the best.

Maurice Clarett – I like the new direction of his life. He is morphing into a black Pete Rose where he will show up anywhere to sell his garbage to dumb people and say that it is for charity. Mo snubbed Spengy-gate and claimed to have made more money in college than he does for the Omaha Steaks or whatever their name is. I just like knowing that he’ll always be lurking around Champions Lane (which is 12-OH Row now and that is a GODDAMN JOKE…it will always be Champions Lane to me!).

Walton Goggins – The former Sugar Shane Vendrell may have had the best year of all time. He was in Lincoln and Django Unchained. He played a tranny hooker on Sons of Anarchy as the lovely Venus Van Damme (a hat tip to his alias on The Shield—best non-HBO show of all time). AND he is one of the greatest characters of all time (the great Boyd Crowder) on Justified. Let’s also not forget that this is the same guy who was Matt “Downtown” Anderson in Major League 3: Back to the Minors. Ted McGinley was a great rival manager.

Adrian Peterson – I’m pretty sure that this dude is a real life Terminator. What he does every week is absolutely amazing. He will be the first pick in almost every fantasy league which is incredible considering the team he plays for and the knee injury that didn’t bother him at all. Plus, his cameo on The League was great. I guarantee that he boned Brooklyn Decker on set. They don’t call him Awesome Dong for nothing.

Chip Kelly – Sorry, Chip, but you fell just short of the title this year. Ever since you started dropping quotes on Prime, you have been a beacon of sunshine to this oft-dark corner of the internet. You keep saying that KC is your next destination and I will take your word for it even though you don’t strike me as a guy that would want to deal with Peyton Hillis. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck against Bill Snyder Chevy Olds. Or does he own the Wash & Fill?

Robert Griffin III – STRAIGHT. Two years ago, I promised to never get attached to an athlete the way I did with LeBron James. Whoops. This time might actually be worse. Remember last year when John Beck started a few games for the Skins? Terrific. RG3 is the most exciting player in the league and while I completely understand you guys trying to constantly get under my skin with your blatant homophobia, I know that you all love watching Bobby Griff play football. Merry Griffmas, asshats.

And the 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year Award goes to…
Making it rain daily here since 2006.

Me. It goes to me and ME alone. I’ve had a great year and it was about time that I took the trophy home. Let’s list my ELITE accomplishments:
*College football season ticket holder
*Never missed a day without having something posted here (tip of the hat to my Junior Executive—you just got demoted)
*Like I said, the rest of the world kind of sucked this year
*Killed Osama bin Laden
*NFL fandom is re-invigorated
*Back to back DFL Champion
*Auction league ace (last two years in three leagues—3 titles, a second, and two thirds)
*Hates Drew
*Training like a champ for Run For Your Lives
*I fucking run this site and it’s about time that it recognized my greatness

It was a banner year for G$ (as well as his ego) and I am honored to be immortalized with the Favre Killers and Mr. Shubin. We are the ELITE of the ELITE. THANK YOU!  What an honor!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Round 3 of Money Shot Bowl Mania

GUARANSHEED that this guy has never spent more than 8 bucks on a case of beer
So the big blizzard has come and gone and it was underwhelming.  Sure, we got about 3-4 inches (just like Mrs. Ace...COUNT IT!) but I was hoping for more.  I got home from work yesterday and was able to bust out the snowblower for the first time in way too long.  I didn't do it shirtless although I wanted to.  I was such a neighborhood beefcake that I cleared the driveway of the old widow across the street.  I didn't even demand a tug for my services.  I just did it because I'm a great person.  But you already knew that.  She did give me a huge tray of cookies which is about the last thing that I need now.  Maybe I should approach the tug topic after all.

OK, so Round 3 of our little Bowl Mania competition is today.  Round 2 games actually started last night and, as you will read later, we are still waiting on one black butthole's picks.  Here is this week's slate that takes us through New Year's Day.  The final round will be on 1/2.

GOB’s dummy Franklin Music City Bowl: NC State vs. Vanderbilt -7 – An SEC team playing a home game against a middling ACC team without a coach? Yeah, this is an easy choice. Vandy

Peter King “Respect the Sun” Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. USC -9.5 – I seriously think that this is a tough game to pick since both of these teams blow. The Jackets have that sweet offense and the Trojans are still coached by an asshole. You know what; I’m still firmly in the camp of “Fuck Matt Barkley”. GT

AutoZone Labia Bowl: Iowa State -1 vs. Tulsa – YES! Another game featuring two teams that I’ve never seen play EVER! I guess that I’ll pick the team that Todd Graham never coached because he is a baby dick. ISU

Chick-Fil-A Hates Fags Bowl: Clemson vs. LSU -5 – Is Jeff ready for another bowl crushing of his alma mater? Does Li’l Jacoby swallow as forcefully as Li’l Strut? Does Les Miles eat field turf? I remember early this year when Mel Kiper said that Zack Mettenburger was a Heisman dark horse. Hilarity ensued. Get ready to tell everyone at your New Year’s Eve party “Tajh Boyd Dead”. He's gonna pull the old Kevin Boss.  LSU

ListenToSlayer.com Hastings Bowl: Northwestern vs. Mississippi State -1.5 – I feel like Fitzgerald’s teams are always feisty in their bowl games. Whatever; here’s to hoping that the Big Ten goes winless. MSU

Fart of Dallas Bowl: Purdue vs. Oklahoma State -16.5 – There is a chance that this game is 70-0. I can’t think of any reason to bet on the Boilers. THEEEEEE OSU

Outblack Bowl: Michigan vs. South Carolina -6 – Did you hear that Denard may be converted to corner in the NFL? That’s probably the right call if he—whoops, never mind, Clowney gonna kill him and thus his future is not important. Gamecocks

Cap-Etoll One Bowl: Nebraska vs. Georgia -10 – How about that reference in the bowl title! Remember how the Huskers played in the Big Ten title game against a one dimensional team? This line should be at least 40. Georgia

Jeremy Rose Bowl Game presented by Rick Hartman: Wisconsin vs. Stanford -6.5 – I don’t think that they will win, but I like this game to be really close and Barry Alvarez to use some of his old Latino Heat magic (that he stole from Eddie Guerrero after he killed him--true story). There’s a reason why this spread is single digits and that is because people are thinking the same way as I am. Wisconsin

Discover Other Channels to Watch Orange Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Florida State -13 – The MAC might not win a game this bowl season but that is NIU’s fault for breaking through the ceiling and moving all of our teams up a bid. This is either going to be a game that you turn off at halftime or the Huskies win at the gun. It’s more fun to bet the underdog. NIU

The standings after the first 7 bowl games:
6-1 – Nate B who I may have seen randomly staring at the front of his house on Monday afternoon
5-2 – Andrew The Mystery Man
4-3 – Iceman, Drew, and Buke
3-4 – Jeff, Li’l Strut, Prime, and JSaul
2-5 – G$, Brady, and Ide
1-6 – Seal, Grumpy, and Damman

Dut joined the party late; starting at round 2 because he is a busy man.  Ide still has not locked in his second set of picks.  He can still but he automatically loses last night's game.  Way to let down your race.  Tomorrow we will crown The Money Shot Man of the Year.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Blizzard Comin' Yo

I hope that these are falling from the clouds
If the weather assholes are right (and they always are), we in Ohio are about to get hit by some type of blizzard today.  Well, I've been dying to use my snowblower again since I haven't in almost two years.  Anyway, while many of us wait for Old Man Winter to fudge-pack us to death, how about we get a decent post in?  Since I don't really care about the NBA's offerings on Christmas (or CHRISTmas if you are a giant douche), how about some random tales from my holiday extended weekend!

*I had to work on Monday until noon and then drive back to Nap so I loaded up on some T-Bell before departing.  FYI, those grillers that they have now are the Rusty Wilson's of fast food.  You don't expect much and-BAM-incredible.  For 99 cents, you can't beat them.  I paid for my 3 dollar meal with a 20 and they gave me back a five and 12 ones.  THANKS!  I like to think that the genius at the window took one look at me and determined that I was headed straight to a strip club.  Apparently, I give off an ELITE "spends Christmas Eve at The Private Dancer" vibe.

*I've spent the last three weeks telling She$ that I would go to church on Christmas Eve but NOT on Christmas Day, too.  Guess who went to church twice in 12 hours and has a crappy blog?  THIS GUY!  The two of us were totes having a fight in which neither of us said anything for most of Christmas Day over this.  But back to round 2 in God's house, there was an interesting conversation going on between the voices in my head during the service:

Voice 1 (Gilbert Gottfried): What are you doing here?  Look around--you have nothing in common with any of these people.  ANY OF THEM.  Including the wife.  Do you even believe any of this shit?  Angels?  The fuck?  Get up there, grab that mic, and tell the entire congregation that all of this is BULLSHIT. 
Voice 2 (Don Rickles): Listen to yourself...you are not even remotely qualified to be making mental statements like this.  You don't know ANYTHING.  You're basing this on the perceived notion that you are smarter than everyone sitting near you and you are not.  Just sit here, stick with that blank look on your face, stare straight ahead, and keep your mouth shut, you dummy.

Church was built for daydreaming.  Usually, I'm thinking about naked chicks or sports but this time I was actually questioning the existence of God solely because I was pissed that I had to go to his house two days in a row.  That right there is some top notch trolling.

*Remember how the old pastor there got fired for banging underage dudes back in the 70's?  That was awesome.  The new guy is from Wisconsin.  He sounds like The Torg.  I was waiting for him to call Desmond Howard a fag.

*I usually get a few WTF gifts but that didn't happen this time around.  My parents got me A Christmas Story coffee mug which has to be my favorite present this year.  That movie will forever be great.  It is THEE best holiday movie of all time (sorry Griswolds, it's true) and probably in my top ten.  If you disagree then you get fucked NOW.  Grover Dill is always major LULZ.  Somehow, not one of my in-laws has ever seen this movie.  Why did I marry into this family again?

*I'm one of those guys that says "tell me what you want and I will buy it for you" but I took some initiative this year with my Bengals fan sister.  I got her a sick vintage "Do The Ickey Shuffle" t-shirt.  She wore it for the game on Sunday and now they are going to the playoffs.  My gift SICK!

*My dog got a gift card to a pet store.  How does this work?  Do I pick some bones and shit for him or do we go there and he sniffs out what he wants?  What is the protocol here? 

*I did a lot of driving these last few days and that means either Christmas music or sports radio with substitutes like Linda Cohn.  One thing I know is that Adnan Virk is somehow twenty times worse than Cowherd.  Go back to Canada, dune coon!

That's it for today.  Bye bye.  If you want more, just scroll down a little farther and look at Iceman and Wheels' Christmas card.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas! Shitter Was Full!



MERRY CHRISTMAS DICK FUCKS!

This is the best picture you've ever seen.  You're welcome.  I hope all of you get herpes today.

Monday, December 24, 2012

The Worst Of Week Sixteen Vol.VI

Before we get started, I hope that everyone has a very merry I WON THE DFL AGAIN!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!  I am the greatest auction league player of ALL TIME.  Seriously, I KILLED Dut just like I Belcher everyone else in that league.  I would say that it's getting old but raping men never gets old.  Sure, Prime may have gotten the best of me in the MSFL Super Bowl but I called it last week: you live by the Brees, you die by the Brees.  There is nothing wrong with a first and a second.  That's CASH MONEY!  You should see the incredibly douche-tastic picture that I put on Facebook last night featuring a crown, a kingly robe (which is a Yankees snuggie), aviator shades, a pedo smirk, and the "light".  I looked like the hottest version of The Statue of Liberty ever.  It might be the first pic in Facebook history to get 8 million likes.  Repeat champion...what a great and completely expected feeling.  Now how about we get to laughing at the Steelers which is what we all want to do anyway?

Tiny Ben - Yeah yeah yeah, he's hurt but that is TWO games in a row that he absolutely pissed away with poor decisions.  That can't happen.  Yet I love it because fuck the Steelers.  They're going to rightfully shit-can Todd Haley probably today (they should) and that is sad because I want that loser to coach the offense forever.

Omar Epps Coach - Oh you know that The Iceman is complimenting himself today in his never-ending crusade to tell everyone that Tomlin is OVERRATED.  Guess what?  Ice is right for the time being.  The Steelers aren't going to the playoffs...terrific.

Miles Austin - This guy totally sucks.  While Dez is likely the worst person on earf, at least he has sick talent.  Smiles just blows.  The Cowboys WILL lose next Sunday.  Book it.  Eventually, they won't be able to make those bananas comebacks that are growing very annoying.

Rainbow Tenor - The Chiefs had well over 300 yards rushing, scored 13 points total, and lost because their QB is a homophobic homo.  That might be the most head-scratching oxymoron ever.

Rex Ryan - Either make him join the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club or fire him already.  They gave up eleven sacks!

Terrelle Pryor - At halftime, he was the Raiders leading receiver.  RAIDER NATION!!!

Tom Brady - You fag, you probably cost me an MSFL title because you wear Uggs.

Lions fans - That was a tough scene on Saturday night because the Lions are a complete and utter joke of a team but the fans stuck around to cheer a Tron record.  The only problem is that nothing about that team is worth cheering this year.  I felt bad for them because that team should have been booed from start to finish.

ELIte Manning - The Giants are terrible.  Here's the thing and it applies to the Steelers, too:  This whole notion that teams can "turn on the switch" is the biggest crock of shit in sports.  It's freaking stupid.  The only thing that veteran teams can do is put awful performances behind them.  They don't just get better.  If you underachieve, then you are an underachiever.  Stop using that term.  It's just an excuse.

Andy Reid - Bye bye, fatso.  The Redskins played like shit and still rolled because Nick Foles is a tard.  PLAYOFFS!  You know what, the worst of the week was this:

Jimmy HarBRAH - It's 21-0 already so I'm just going to assume that the Seahawks roll.  By the way, if the Redskins hold serve next Sunday, how great would Seattle @ Washington be?  ELITE!

That's it for this week.  Everyone have an unsafe Christmas tomorrow.  When you're sitting in church tonight or tomorrow not paying attention, just think about how great it is to be me:  a DFL Champion yet again AND a fan of the Warrrrrrshington Redskins!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Jolly Old St. Prick Returns!

                      This was the last year anyone asked Ide to be Santa.




Merry Christmas and fuck you!  If you're reading this it means that the Mayans are terrible at predictions, full of donkey shit and we all have to go on living our shitty lives.  Unless you belong to a cult...because you have probably already killed yourself in order to dodge public shame of being wrong AGAIN.  Way to take the pussy way out.  But there is reason to celebrate nonetheless!  Jolly Old St. Prick has become quite the MoneyShot tradition over the years and it's my pleasure to hand out gifts to all of you deserving assholes for the very first time this year.  It's like I've been chosen to read the perverted, twisted as fuck version of "The Night Before Christmas" while all of you stare at me and drool all over yourselves.  May each terrible gift match just how awful of human beings every last one of you skid marks really are.  Not gonna lie...this is looooooong.

For Damman - A life size replica of Jordan Kovacs' veiny beef rocket.  The opposite of a flesh light, if you will.  Now when you feel the need to post about Kovacs on Facebook, you can instead fuck yourself in the ass with your shiny new #32 dream stick.  We can even customize it for you with a blue shaft, maize helmet and a bedazzled #32 on the tip.  We can also get you an interchangeable #11 for the days you're feeling like a little vintage butt play.

For Ide - A sweater vest knitted from Patrick Monahan's (lead singer of Train) pubic hair.  I had to do a Google search to find out what this midget ape's name was.  He looks like he's no taller than 3'8".  Perfect for giving you stand up blowies.  I guess I just as easily could have went to your Facebook page to find Patrick's name since I'm sure this twat shows up somewhere within your last 3 status updates.  Or I could have texted you and asked.  But I don't have your number and Lord do I plan on keeping it that way.

For Prime - A private one on one tour of Jay Catler's used tampon collection.  Little known fact about Catler...he hoards used tampons.  It's true.  No need to look it up, just know that it's completely factual.  In this tour, Jay will showcase the bitch napkin that started his obsession, let you sniff his favorite piece and even give you a souvenir at the end of the tour so you can start your own collection at home.  Happy hoarding!

For Nate B. - Hell, I don't know.  I'll just super glue your flaccid cock to your belly, force feed you Viagra and we'll call it even.  I'm pretty sure you're an Ohio fan and by pretty sure I mean not sure at all since I try to pay as little attention to people as possible.  So if you ARE an Ohio fan I guess I can throw in one of Urban's failing ventricles as a stocking stuffer.

For Lil Strut - THE DARK SCORPION!!  After thumbing through last year's pathetic mail in post by G$, I noticed we had a one time cameo by a lovely gent named Dark Scorpion.  Your gift is a night alone with this guy.  Sounds harmless, I know.  But after further review it appears Dark Scorpion enjoys hardcore dude sex, shoving straws up dick holes and Rape Games.  Kinda like the Hunger Games but at the end you wish you had died.

For Drew - A vacation under Matt Stafford's belly fat.  Perfect for the cold chill of December.  Enjoy your 3 day/night weekend stay underneath Tubby's lard slab.  Just avoid the half eaten burrito and large pizza stashed under there.  First, they're most likely sour and moldy.  Second, Stafford the Hut doesn't like you snatching up his late night yummies.  For a second I thought about gifting a Mountain Dew bottle full of Verlander's Skoal spit but I knew you would put it on Ebay.  I didn't want a civil war erupting in West Virginia over who gets to claim ownership to that fucking gold mine.

For Ace - A life size replica of Garret Reid's drug overdosed body.  And since Jolly Old St. Prick is in such the giving mood, he's decided to throw in a package of used heroin needles that were lifted from a AIDS infested Columbus gutter whore.  Do NOT handle with care and please impale yourself quickly before the AIDS becomes non transferable.

For Seal - A jar of Snooki's afterbirth.  This seems like something you could use since you cheer for a team who's head coach resembles Snooki's womb grease.  Brush your teeth with it, use if for deodorant, even slick your hair back with it and be a Dapper Dan man.  This multipurpose gift will have you repulsing more than just the people on this blog in no time!

For MuDawg - A night out with the HarBRAHs.  HA!  You probably think this is a sweet gift, don't you?  Yeah...until they make you bob for turds in a construction site port-a-john.  Or puke in your mouth during power hour after you pass out like Ide.  The HarBRAH's haze like true BRAH's do and they will violate your dignity at every turn.  Happy Holidays, fuck face!

For Dut - Does he even show his face around here when he's not impersonating Mike Crabtree?  What do you give a guy who deserves nothing?  I don't know...we all take turns smacking his bagged skin berries with a wooden spoon?  Sounds right.  That's your gift since you never went back in time to give yourself SIDS.

For Brady - A bag of Peter King's diarrhea.  What could be better than a concoction of every nugget of substance that Peter King enjoys?  I bet that bag smells like doughnut glaze, spoiled buttermilk, morning breath, a boiled fart, a skunked IPA and camel dick.

For Tonya - Sex with Drew.  These gift are meant to be terrible and I can't think of anything worse for a women than having their bare skin pressing against Drew's while he penetrates you for 18 whole seconds.  I'm including a fifth of 151 since you'll need to be pretty fucking sauced in order to mentally survive the most traumatic thing you've ever been through.

For Jeff - Watching Drew have sex with Tonya.  The only thing worse than being Tonya in that mess is being forced to watch it.  But if you feel the desire to shine your own pole while Drew tries to makes gross sex then by all means crank away.  Just imagine Drew is Roethlisberger forcing himself onto another victim to get yourself going.  Tonya can even scream for help and you can ignore it like a true Roethlisberger security guard would who simply chalks it up to her having an orgasm we all know would never happen.  I know how that stuff gets you sexually charged.

For Grumpy - A trip to my house for a week.  At first glance this seems harmless but I assure you it will be hell.  I plan on using you as my 7 day bitch and making you do all the shit Wheels is constantly fucking nagging me about.  First, you'll pick up dog stool out of the back yard.  Every nugget.  Then you'll clean whatever filthy imprint the abortion I left in the toilet the night before created.  It looks like a God damn war zone in there.  My turds have hair, teeth, blood and fingernails.  Finally, you'll ORGANIZE THE FUCKING ATTIC FOR ME!

For G$ - Anne Hathaway.  JUST KIDDING!!  Your real gift is actually being told the truth about Anne Hathaway being a man. Enjoy living with the shame of having cranked your shaft or penetrated your flesh light to the thought of ANDREW Hathaway's freshly shaved/secret hidden balls.  You actually get two gifts this year because you've been extra douchey.  The second gift is your in-laws staying with you forever and sharing a bedroom with you and She$.  Expect G$ to Seau himself by March.

Finally for me.  Iceman - All of you.  You guys are my gift this year.  And no...it's not a compliment to any of you.  On those days where I'm feeling a little off, I can always come on this site and get my confidence back by confirming I will always be better than at least fifteen-ish people no matter what.  Behold my confirmation:  Northern IlliNOISE 44-37, NEVER FORGET.




If I left anyone out, well, it's because I probably hate you more than anyone who received gifts.  Because in the end, the gift of not being included is truly the worst gift of all to give to someone who completely sucks.  But if it really means that much to you that you get a gift then I'll make you a deal.  Go give yourself a swirlie in a mall toilet after a huge fat guy uses it and say it's from me.  It's probably better than what you would have got anyway.  I hope you all love St. Prick's gift choices this year because it is from the bottom of my evil, black heart.  That's all I've got.  Merry Christmas, dick lickers and enjoy your two weeks off from my award winning posts.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Round 2 of The Money Shot Bowl Mania

The official food of Detroit Tigers fans.
Well, now we get into the meat of our little bowl commenting competition where the very meaningful bowl games come fast and furious. I’m still working on that cash prize. They want me to delete all the spam comments from almost 7 years of posts. It is not easy. There were over 15,000 of them to clear out of here. It sucked to do and it took forever. But if you’re wondering why this site never made it past your office firewall, it probably had a LOT to do with all the porn and casino spam sitting in old comment sections. Those are gone now so hopefully we can all piss away our work weeks together just like the good ol’ days.  THIS IS A CLEAN SITE, FAGS!  So give us another shot on your office computer when you get the chance.

I’m not updating the standings since only two games from last week’s slate have been played. I’ll get to that during round 3. But before we get to the games, let’s talk about the “big” coaching hire in the Midwest Big East for a minute.

Wisconsin went and hired themselves Gary Andersen from Utah State to replace Pigman. I’m sure that he’s a fine coach but this is just another blah hire from the blah-est conference in the country. Why don’t they just do what they want to do and bring Barry Alvarez back full time? What they really need to do is get him to retire so that his big fat shadow can go away from the program and someone new can make that program their own. But that isn’t going to happen so the Badgers are just going to keep churning out 500 pound linemen and ignore that the game passed them by years ago. It might work out, but I doubt it. The Big Ten didn’t get any better yesterday. Now onto the next slate of bowl games (remember that you are picking against the spreads listed and ties go to the picker):

The Domino’s is Better Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Western Kentucky -5 – CMU is just an awful team with an awful coach. The Hilltoppers are being led by college interim coach extraordinaire, Lance Guidry AKA the collegiate Terry Robiskie. WKU

Terrorist Bowl: Bowling Green vs. San Jose State -7.5 – This is a very bad matchup for the Falcons even with the other Sparty not having their coach. That being said, I like the Falcons to cover. BGSU

What the Fuck is Belk Bowl: Cincinnati -7.5 vs. Duke – There is no way in Hell that I would ever bet on Duke football. UC

Holiday Rooo-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohl Bowl: Baylor vs. UCLA PK – Ooooooh, this is a solid contest. UCLA

Independence Dam Bowl: Ohio vs. Louisiana-Monroe -7.5 – Isn’t this cute? The two darlings of September get to decide who was the bigger fluke. I’ll make it easy for you: It was the Bobcats. ULM

Dut’s Boyfriend Josh Russell Athletic Bowl: Rutgers vs. Virginia Tech -2.5 – Frank Beamer fucking sucks. Rutgers

LOL Jerry Kill Bowl: Minnesota vs. Texas Tech -13 – This is just a terrible game. If you made me make a list of the top ten teams that I never ever want to watch play, the Gophers would be on that list multiple times. I also like the Red Raiders to play an excellent “Fuck you, Tommy Tuberville” game. TT Boy

The Armed Forces Bowl that no one will voluntarily go to: Rice vs. Air Force -1 – This isn’t a Glory Hole game, but I will consider it a “premium rewards card available here” game. Yeah, that was a stretch but hear me out. AFA is always a sick running team (ask Michigan) and Rice gives up almost 190 yards per game on the ground. I LOVE Air Force here and I've got some actual research and FACTS to back that up. AFA.

The Crown Jewel of Bowl Locations Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse vs. West Virginia -4 – This should be a fun game, too. If there is one thing that you need to remember about WV, it is that they always make statements in bowl games. Right, Jeff? WVU

The Embrace Fat Asses Bowl: Navy vs. Arizona State -14.5 – Todd Graham seems like the kind of guy who would run it up on a service academy because he is a donkey raping shit eater. As someone who watched every second of the Army/Navy game, I must say that Navy is ass. The Sun Devils will cripple all of the Midshipmen with Hep-C by halftime. ASU

The Ala-homo Bowl: Texas vs. Oregon State -2 – Tough pick here. The Beavers are better but it’s a home game for the Horns. Whatever. Texas.

The Table-gating Bowl: Michigan State vs. TCU -2.5 – For as awful as the Big Ten is during bowl season, Sparty usually puts up a pretty good fight for the conference. Fun Fact: Teams that are 2.5 point favorites only covered that line about 30% of the time in 2011. I have no idea if that held true this year, but I don’t care. Michigan State

These are your games for this session. I know that I’m already 0-2. OVERRATED. Get your picks in and try to get some sleep tonight. It will be difficult since Iceman is putting on the Santa suit tomorrow. FYI, it’s ass-less.  And apparently we're going to all die tomorrow so this is your last post ever according to some dumb Mexicans.  Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Nick Saban Might Be Dawg Pound Bound

If the boogeyman were real, it would look exactly like this guy smiling.
One of the worst (and sometimes best) things about sports talk radio is when the hosts open up the phone lines for all of the locals to rant and rave. Apparently, Jimmy from Parma has all the answers because why wouldn’t he? But this sort of thing is highly entertaining after the home team lost and the dumbest of the dumb mash their phone keypad and get put on the air to vent. On Sunday’s drive home, it seemed like every Browns genius fan was done with Pat Shurmur and that the previous three game win streak was a complete fraud. Every caller got more and more pissed off and I loved every second of it. It was a damn shame that I lost the signal around Akron.

Anyway, now that the Browns have their new hillbilly owner in the fold who loves him some Stillers footbawwww, change is afoot. Shurmur is as good as gone. Brad Childress can go back to fucking kids. Dick Jauron was born to be fired. Now what? Jimmy Haslam doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would pick the Pats Shurmur or Erics Mangini of the world to be his first coach as owner. He seems like the kind of guy that will swing for not just the fence, but the double fence behind Glenwood Park (ELITE REFERENCE ALERT). He wants a real dinger. Anyone can hit a cheap home run like Sandy Alomar in game 5 of the 1997 ALDS, it takes a real man to go for the NLCS Pujols off of Lidge bomb that effectively turned the closer into a pile of shit for the rest of his career.

This is an important hire. The fans seem to like Haslam and what he has been selling so far but they will turn on him quickly if he ends up replacing Shurmur with a Scott Linehan or some other worthless retread asshole. The hot rumor at the moment is that Haslam wants Nick Saban (or our very own CHIPFORD KELLY!). At first, I found this to be 100% fucktarded but it makes more and more sense the longer that I thought about it. Here is why:

*It is being said that Haslam is willing to offer the coach a 10 year/100 million dollar contract. HOLY SHIT. If this is even remotely true, congratulations on your new coach, Browns fans. NO ONE turns that down. Hell, Phil Jackson learns the game of football for that kind of money.
*What more is there to accomplish at Alabama? He’s probably going to win his third title in four years a couple of weeks from now and they built him a statue already. What else is there left?
*He can coach Trent Richardson again.
*He is from the area. I think that this reasoning is OVERRATED but it would allow his career to come full circle.
*I can’t say this about many places but Ohio is better than Alabama.
*If you want a new challenge (and probably a final challenge before retiring), there is no greater challenge than making the Browns a winner.
*If he does that, he could seriously be in the conversation for best football coach of all time.
*I like to think that his ego is so big that he knows that he has unfinished business left in the pros.
*100 million dollars.

It probably won’t happen because Cleveland never gets what it wants, but I don’t think it’s THAT cray cray. I could definitely see it happening and would not be shocked if it does. You know what, I’m sorry for getting your hopes up. You know better than I do that you’re going to end up with Dave Wannstedt.

OK, so the rest of the year is going to play out like this:
Tomorrow – Latest round of bowl picks
Friday – Iceman is coming back this week to deliver gifts to all the commenters. He is playing the role of Santa Blogs this year.
Monday – Worst Of
Wednesday – Whatever I skeet on your screen
Thursday – More bowl picks
Friday – Money Shot Man of the Year

Please adjust your calendars. Just know that after Friday, you get to enjoy two straight Iceman-free weeks. Merry fucking Christmas.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Fantasy Glory and Fantasy Glory Holes.

                              "Fantasy Football makes me a sad panda."



We've nearly reached the end of this year's fantasy football season.  Depending who you are you're either relieved that it's over or upset that you can't kick the shit out of people anymore.  Since we are closing in on the dreaded "Dead Zone" of sports, topics are starting to become as thin as Dut's penis.  If I was gay and liked baseball I could talk about which pitcher itches his balls with the most grace or who spits tobacco juice on bare man ass with the most authority.  But I'm hetero and offer a much better topic.  Today I offer a post that writes itself.  The surprise winners and total letdown losers of the fantasy football season.

Surprise Winners:

RG3 - He plays football as well as he plays with hairy balls and boner skin.  It surprises me that a guy who loves the warm embrace of a muscular man would have so many yards rushing this year.  You would think he would WANT to get tackled.  Maybe he just bottles up all that sexual frustration to be released on team mates in the showers post game action.  I remember laughing at a fantasy mag I looked at around June ranking RG3 as the 8th best fantasy QB.  Joke was on me in the end.

Alfred Morris - Sticking with the Pigskins theme here.  Mike Shanahan stopped being a complete fuck face for one year and decided to stick with one guy in the backfield.  FINALLY!  Those who actually had the sack skin to buy into Shanahan's endorsement of Morris were paid off handsomely.  I just can't wait until everyone drafts Big Al in the 2nd round next year only to watch him split carries with some chatch the Pigskins drafted in the 7th round out of Wofford College.  GO TERRIERS!!

Reginald Wayne - Now that he's the elder statesman of this team, I will refer to him as Reginald.  Because that's an old fart's name.  I gotta hand it to ol' gray bush Reginald.  The critics thought he was done when Fetus Head AIDS necked his way over to Denver.  But instead, Reginald put his big black dick right in the fountain of youth and helped re-energize a team that needed a guy like him to lead it.  I've always like Reg and what he did this year makes me like him even more.

Andy Dalton - Sir Gingerness found a way to sneak his way into the top 10 in QB scoring this year.  His on the field sexual attraction to A.J. Green is something you should pay attention to moving forward.  I wouldn't be shocked at all to see Redhead Dawn crack the top 5 in the next 2 years now that Marvin Lewis knows that running the ball is stupid when you have terrible running backs.

Stevan Ridley - The first rule of fantasy football.  Never draft a Pigskins running back.  Second rule of fantasy football.  Never draft a Patriots running back.  Pretty fucking lovely how TWO sacred rules of fantasy football were shoved firmly up our asses this year.  Well laa-dee-fuckin-daa!  The Pats haven't had an RB ranked in the top 10 at that position since Corey Dillon, if I remember correctly.  (And I do.)  Tread lightly moving forward, but the days of Danny Woodhead doing his best Mike Alstott impression may be over...even though having a 168 lb. goal line back is super duper smart!  GRITTY!!

Randall Cobb - It's pretty crazy what Mike McCarthy is capable of when he stops smelling his own farts and pays attention to personnel.  Cobb has always been a speedy play maker and can make people miss in space.  Those of you who stuck with him after the first start where he laid an egg bomb were given a king's ransom.  Moving forward, it sounds like he's going to be the Packers' version of Percy Harvin...minus the dripping wet, diseased vagina skin that his body is apparently made out of.  Another thing Cobb did this year was make Greg Jennings expendable.  Buh-Bye!

Honorable Mentions:
Cam Newton
Peyton Manning
Matt Ryan
Doug Martin
Trent Richardson
C.J. Spiller
Demaryius Thomas
Cecil Shorts
Dez Bryant


Total Letdown Losers

Eli Manning - HEY!  Remember when G$ said Eli > Peyton?  Also remember when G$ gave Eli some undeserved mid-season Fantasy award...or something like that?  Fuck you for both of those.  Eli is worse than getting pie faced with skid marked undies peeled off the bottom of a dumpster at an abortion factory.  (Those exist, right?)  He was solely responsible for multiple disastrous fantasy finishes this year.  Eat sour dicks for eternity.

Darren McFadden - I'll try to keep this short because I could go on all fucking day about this titanic pussy.  All we heard all off season was how McFadden was "in the best shape of his life" has "never been healthier" and will have a "break out season" with the new "zone blocking scheme".  Well that sure fucking worked, now didn't it?  Not only did McPussyfarts get hurt AGAIN, but before the injury bitched about how the zone blocking scheme was flawed and that's why he wasn't producing.  Care to explain how Marcel Reese, a fat motherfucking fullback, was able to average almost 5 YPC the 4 weeks you sat nursing your gash?  I have an explanation.  FUCK YOU!

Greg Jennings - Here's how you handle a contract year.  Film a bunch of Old Spice commercials that are weird as fucking hell then get injured and sit out 3/4ths of the year.  Jennings was most likely a 2nd to 3rd round pick in most drafts this year and I'm willing to bet that most of those teams missed the playoffs.  Have fun playing for the Dolphins next year since Miami is the only team tardo enough to give an aging WR the money he wants.

Jay Catler - Here's something I'm glad I didn't listen to in the preseason:  Catler being a sleeper pick after being reunited with Brandon Marshall.  Here's my own personal rule.  Never trust a whiny, sourpuss QB who thinks he can throw a football through a key hole under ANY circumstances.  Catler may win some games for the Bears, may make them a better team and may be a decent real life QB but he is an absolutely fucking awful fantasy QB.  And he always will be because he's Brett Favre minus the cock shots to women half his age.

Ryan Mathews - Speaking of bloody tampons.  This crusty snatch just broke his OTHER collar bone last week capping off an impressively horrific fantasy season.  He was a unanimous first 3 round draft pick that produced like a 10th round pick.  To top it all off, Crater Face Norv even benched him for a couple weeks during the year for a journeyman and a guy with worse knees than Ric Flair.  Why?  Because Mathews' tiny carnie hands can't hold onto the fucking ball.  So let's cover this again briefly.  Massive pussy who can't stay on the field but when he does fumbles everything.  I'll pass forever.  Thanks.

Larry Fitzgerald - It pains me to put Lawrence on this list because his shitty season is by no fault of his own.  What did you expect when he has a 3rd string QB that will probably be driving a garbage truck in 3 years lobbing him moon balls or zipping ankle breakers all day?  I really feel bad for Fitz because he just keeps his mouth shut and goes to work every day.  A lesser man (me) would have definitely had a public outburst by now.  Or at least upper cutted someone in upper management's ball sack.  Moving forward it's probably a good idea to avoid Larry until they get a real quarterback.

Honorable Mentions:
Marmalard Rivers
Ben Raperburger
Mike Vick
Chris Johnson
LeSean McCoy
DeMarco Murray
Mike Wallace
Percy Harvin
Dwayne Bowe
Hakeem Nicks

There you go, dick lickers.  The one day out of the year you can piss and moan about fantasy bad beats and actually have people pretend that they care.  Only because they want you to listen to them cry when you're done.  After creating this list, it's incredible how many of the fucking losers I had on my teams this year.  Oh well, you live and learn I suppose.  Thank God I have fantasy basketball (6-1) to hold me over until August.  Let the bitching begin!

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.VI

He just writes ELITE over and over and over
While I am still basking in the glory of my superior fandom, I'm hurting right now.  There was very little food eaten yesterday, too much driving, and very much alcohol consumption with everyone's favorite UK basketball fan.  Seal was such an ELITE host who hooked Damman and I up with some bananas tickets.  Thanks, bud, and more kudos to J and Rosey from blogs past.  It's always nice to see you chumps.  Let's get this over with so I can get back to my crippling case of gut-rot.

Iceman - There is no way that Kirk Cousins wins in Cleveland.  Or something like that.  Great prediction.  Way to ignore Kirk's TRANSCENDENCE!

Brandon Weeden - Boy does he suck dick.

All that doubt the Redskins - OK, that was a legit win yesterday.  Backup QB?  No big deal.  The offense was still unstoppable.  And would you look at that...we're winning the East.  Normal people would probably agree that the Redskins are a good team that is insanely hot right now.  I am not a normal person.  I am a lunatic.  WE GOIN' SUPER BOWL!

Eli Manning, Josh Freeman, and Rainbow Tenor - I feel like seeing three shutouts in one day is more rare than Bob Costas going a week without having his starfish split open.

Brandon Marshall - LOL way to cry in your presser!  The Bears are going to miss the playoffs.

Everyone but Adrian Peterson - I sat next to a black guy in a Lee Suggs jersey yesterday and he was cool as hell but he was creepily interested in AD's chase of Eric Dickerson.  Peterson is so sick.

Johnny BRAH - So I guess Cam Cameron wasn't the problem then?  Iceman, FYI, Seal and his BRAHS LOVE the HarBRAHS.  Put that on your resume.

Pete Carroll - What an asshole.  Who runs a fake punt on the hapless Bills when they're up 30 in the second half?  Petey is a DICK.  You shouldn't root for the Seahawks solely because of him.

Fatty McChins - LOLOLOLOLOLIONS!  WHAT A SACK OF SHIT!  YOU GOT MURDERED BY BEANIE WELLS AND HIS TERRIBLE TEAMMATES!  THE LIONS ARE A BIGGER JOKE THAN KENTUCKY BASKETBALL AND DETROIT TIGERS BASEBALL COMBINED!  ANYONE WHO ROOTS FOR THE LIONS SHOULD DIE LIKE DESMOND HOWARD.

Big Ben - Thanks for nothing, donkey dick.

FANTASY! - Both of my matchups are still too close to call at the time of this mail-in post.  Either way, I'm going to need something solid from the Titans D tonight.

It's just nice to know that I remain better than every Browns fan at every facet of life yet again.  Now if you don't mind, I need to decompose like Pat Shumur's career.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

NFL Anti-Gambling Policies Protect Players and the League

Let's talk hypothetical situations for a moment. You work for a company manufacturing widget and your boss comes up and tells you that you cannot make any bets related to the production of said widgets. Ok, that makes sense. How about if your boss then came up and told you that you could not place bets on college football. That would be pretty messed up right? Welcome to the NFL.

Many of you may not know this, but NFL players are forbidden to engage in any type of gambling activity as long as they play in the National Football League. It doesn't matter whether they are betting on sports, betting on blackjack, or playing bingo, they cannot place a bet.

Furthermore, this ban extends to NFL officials and even those that work in the front office. You may have read reports of one NFL ref being involved in pro poker and nearly losing her chance to work as a result. That sounds pretty far fetched, especially to those of us that like to play a little poker or bet on horses from time to time. However, the league is doing this to protect the integrity of the league.

How are they keeping league integrity by preventing Millionaires from playing
blackjack? They aren't. While this policy definitely applies to the Peyton Manning's of the NFL, a good number of players in the league do not make Millions. Many, especially rookies and second year non-star players, make just a few hundred thousand a year. Should those players get hooked by the gambling bug and run up serious gambling debt, there is opportunity there for crooked bookies, sportsbooks, and others to try and take advantage of the situation.

As we all know, a team doesn't have to lose the game in order to make or lose
sportsbooks some serious money. A missed tackle leading to a meaningless touchdown that happens to cover the spread could mean Millions. The last thing the NFL needs is their players in the pocket of a sportsbook and the NFL's anti-gambling policy helps to prevent this scenario.

While the NFL's policy on gambling may not be a popular one, it is a necessary evil. The league, teams, and even the players have too much at stake to risk a fixing scandal. Of course, if a player really wants to gamble, they could always request a trade to the Lions or the Browns.

Friday, December 14, 2012

About That "Cornball Brotha"...

Footlongs for women only.
Well, the time has arrived. Your ol’ pal, G$, gets another stab at ending his incredible in-person Redskins losing streak. It’s not like I’ve been to a ton of their games over the last 20 years, but I would say that the total is 5 or 6 and they never win. I don’t think that I’ve seen them triumph live since Super Bowl XXVI. That was 21 fucking years ago. My drought can legally goddamn drink. Or, if my drought played for the Cowboys, it could get drunk, drive, and then kill your drought. It’s a full service drought. Anyway, I’ve been looking forward to this for awhile and it really helps that this game means a lot for both teams (less for the Browns OBVZ but at least they aren’t eliminated yet). Doing some mornin’ drinkin’ with Seal and his bros while relying on them to protect me from the thousands of ham-fisted mongoloids that inhabit that stadium is important, but it should be a good time nonetheless. With all that said, I want to talk about something that you never want to ask me about because I will never stop talking about it if the floodgates open even just a little:

RG3.

Doesn’t it seem like everyone in America has the answer (to a question that no one asked them) for how the Redskins should handle the straightest quarterback in America. He’s the kind of man that makes John Wayne look like a faggot by comparison! Anyway, everyone seems to think that they know the best way for the most entertaining player in the league to be used. They don’t know shit. I’ll tell you EXACTLY how the Shanahans should use Griffin: EXACTLY how they have done it so far. This offense is almost unstoppable (as long as it isn't raining...fucking Pittsburgh) so why the fucking hell would they consider changing it???

I am so sick and tired of Mormon assholes like Steve Young or coked-up dads of loser sons like Cris Carter constantly wondering how long RG3 can survive. WHO CARES? Can't you just enjoy what you're watching instead of worrying about what may never happen?  These guys probably also believe in that Mayan horse plop, too.  And I say this as a guy who actually has a rooting interest in the guy. Yes, it would be nice if he had a little more bulk or slid more—I get that. That will all probably happen in time anyway. All I know is that I absolutely love watching the kid play football and I don’t want him to change the style with which he approaches the game. Seriously, these idiots are trying to tell this TRANSCENDENT player to “be worse”. That makes zero sense. "Take everything that makes you ELITE and be Tony Banks." Got it? GOT IT!

I admit that he’s probably more prone to injury with his style than others (I would be quite blind to not admit this) but it’s hardly and exact science (or a science at all) to predict future injury. He got a concussion this year. Great, Troy Aikman got about 400 of them and he didn’t run all over the field. If you’re afraid of people getting hurt then you shouldn’t be watching football. You should support a queer sport like soccer or something else. I’m not going to lose any sleep over football players getting banged up because that is what is supposed to happen. Worrying about that is a pointless venture.

Of course, this has all culminated this week as Mike Shanahan plays his macho head games with Pat Shurmur and Dick Jauron. Will he or won’t he play? Should he play? RG2 came out and said that his son will play. RG3 says that he is going to play. Doctors and our orange-faced coach have not agreed to that yet and they aren't going to announce it until Sunday. Some of my dumb fellow Redskins fans think that he should sit even if cleared because we should be able to beat the Browns with Kirk Cousins anyway. We’re 7-6 and coming off of two decades of shit and some of us are penciling in road wins against scrappy teams! DUMB!  We are not a very intelligent fanbase outside of myself.

If he is cleared to play then he should play. Period. Any other line of thought is Chris Bridges (get it?). God, he better fucking play on Sunday. I'm not sitting in 35 degrees and snow for Kirk Cousins.  You losers deserve to see who genius Mike Holmgren passed on. Actually, would you guys rather have RG3 or T-Rich and Weeden? You can’t really go wrong either way (due to Weeden being so damn talented, Dut), but I’m curious nonetheless.

I think that we win with or without him. We’ll win by double digits with him or a KAI IS MY GUY boot without. I’ll say that he plays and the Skins go to 8-6 with a 31-20 victory. If you want a few more topics to volley around today that aren’t Redskins-centric:

*Roger Goodell wants to add more playoff teams. I’d be OK if they went to 7 per conference. The #2 seed shouldn’t get a bye.
*Pierre Garcon, when he plays, actually looks like a #1 receiver. I was not expecting this to happen.  And apparently these points are going to also be Redskins-related after all.
*Since everyone else constantly talks about who the best rookie QB is, we might as well jump on the bandwagon. If you say Rusty Wilson then you need to Belcher yourself.
*Let’s say Seattle wins the wild card by a game (and that could happen over my team). How pissed am I allowed to get because Pete Carroll was given a win by those scabs and my team is sitting at home? I think that Seattle should lose all tie-breakers as penance for that garbage Monday night win.

Finally, it’s time to end the DFL and MSFL seasons of Ape and Damman. The flukes have gone on long enough. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS. I’m going to kick Seal’s nuts in. I could not be more excited. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Bo Knows This Blog

That tiger poster is terrific.
For all the crap that Bill Simmons gets on the internet (and almost all of it is justified…I mean, seriously, no one wants to read 10,000 words about some pointless milestone that a Colorado rapist hit last week—that same guy couldn’t even beat the Cavs the other night!), the one great thing that he did give us were the 30 For 30 documentaries. I love these. I think that most of them are terrific. The most recent one about Bo Jackson had me smiling for almost the entire 90 minutes.

I’m not sure if we’ve ever properly discussed Bo Jackson around here outside of his Tecmo Bowl prowess, but I can honestly say that that guy was almost everyone’s favorite athlete not affiliated with his own team. Who didn’t love Bo Jackson? The guy was probably the greatest overall athlete of the last—I don’t know—50 years or so. I thought that the documentary was great (and I know more about Bo than most people because I’ve read Bo Knows Bo by Dick Schapp twice and it remains one of my favorite books every). Here are some of my favorite things about this past Saturday’s documentary (and other stuff you might not know about Bo):

*Bo would fall asleep in the locker room before Auburn games while everyone else was going into roid rage
*Bo’s big superstition in college was that he had to bang his girlfriend the night before every game (true story)
*Chuck Klosterman has to have one of the most punchable faces on the planet. I hate him so much. His voice sounds like Norm McDonald doing a Tarantino impression.
*He blamed Tampa Bay for getting him kicked off the Auburn baseball team and told them to fuck off when they took him #1 in the Draft. That. Is. Awesome.
*I liked the Tecmo Bowl reference and thought it was great the way Bomani Jones explained why he only got one play.
*That dislocated hip robbed us of what could have been something truly great.
*I remember exactly where I was when he got hurt: at the Grand Canyon waiting to see the Harlem Globetrotters make their Napoleon debut.
*Bo clearly knows food these days.

Anyway, it got me thinking about some 30 For 30’s that I would like to see eventually. That is also the topic for today’s post:

What event/team/player/incident would you like to see a documentary made about? I have a handful that I think would be terrific.

*2004 Olympic Men’s Basketball Team – This team was a disaster from the start and embarrassed the entire country
*The Kobe Rape Trial – He would never participate in that but this would make for an incredible documentary
*The Baylor/Dave Bliss Murder Fiasco
*What the fuck happened to LeBron in that Celtics series
*A Day In The Life of Chip Kelly
*The Fall of Tiger Woods

So let’s do ESPN’s job for them today and start filling program time for them. Or if you want to talk about how awesome Bo Jackson was, that is fine, too. Either way, Chuck Klosterman is still a queerbate. And if you didn’t get your picks in yesterday, don’t forget to make them today if you want in our little bowl pool.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Round 1 of The Money Shot Bowl Mania

No turds in this family.  The patriarch won't allow it.
The end of 2012 is quickly approaching which means that it is almost time to name the 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year. This prestigious award, started two years ago, has been handed out to such terrific Americans like the two guys that ended Brett Favre’s career and the inventor of the Fleshlight, Steve Shubin. However, I’m going to need a little help with potential nominees this year. So if you want to nominate someone for Money Shot Man of the Year, leave it in the comments otherwise it’s just going to go to the guy that decided to reboot Boy Meets World.

Anyway, Mr. Ace (remember when he worked here…LOLZ!) started The Money Shot Bowl Mania 3 years or so ago and Iceman continued it last year. I’ll just assume that I’m going for a four-peat. I’ve decided to run it myself this time around because it saves me a day of producing original content which is always harder around the holidays (or “footballidays” if you are a chach). The games will be posted every Wednesday until bowl season comes to a conclusion some time in mid-May. The rules are easy: you pick against the spreads that are listed and leave your list in the comments. The winner is the big dong with the most correct picks (pushes count as wins because I’m feeling generous). The winning prize might be of monetary value but I’m not sure. I’m trying to lock up a guest post on the side that could net some bank but that does not matter to you worthless serfs. Anyway, my mini-breakdowns of teams and games that I know nothing about are below (along with my picks).

The Dan Gilbert New Mexico Bowl: Nevada vs. Arizona -10
My guess is that RichRod uses this game as a launching pad for a big, turd-free 2013. Cats -10.

The Marcus Holmes Potato Gun Bowl: Toledo vs. Utah State -10
Utah State is known for their defense. Toledo is known for point shaving and Lange. I like Lange though and I can’t bet on a team that lost a bowl game to The Ohio’s last year. Toledo +10

The Tijuana’s Hat Bowl: BYU -2.5 vs. San Diego State
The Aztecs are playing a home game basically and I despise Mormons. This pick is pure spite and Hoke lust. SDSU +2.5

The Beef O’ Commenter Brady Is Awful Bowl: Ball State vs. Central Florida -7.5
Remember when this was a MAC game that you ignored? Good times! The MAC is way better than Conference USA regardless of what Vergas says. BSU +7.5

The Broken Levees Bowl: East Carolina vs. UL-Lafayette -6
Wow…uh, give me the home team, I guess. ULL -6

What Used To Be The Las Vegas Bowl Bowl: Washington vs. Boise State -5
If Chris Peterson even flies to Wisconsin, I’ll eat my hat (FYI my hat is made of pulled pork). It’s always dumb to bet against the Broncos during bowl season but here I am, remembering that that Southwick guy is garbage. Huskies +5

RIP Aloha Bowl: SMU vs. Fresno State -12
Is June Jones still at SMU? I feel like he is. If so, this is his triumphant return to Hah-VUT-ee! “That should be fun”—no one FSU -12

Round 1 of this little sexy bitch is a quick 7 picks. Obviously, it will get fast and furious over the next two Wednesdays. One might say that it will become 2 Fast 2 Furious. But I won’t because that is a horrible pun. That’s it for today so submit your picks and Man of the Year suggestions. This time…IT COUNTS!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Feliz Navidad From the BRAHs

                          It was all downhill after this picture was taken...




Now that the regular season for college football has officially come to a close, I was planning on starting a breakdown of the 50 million bowl games that will be pelvic thrusted at us this year.  But the strangest thing happened on Saturday while I was out to eat at El Camino in Toledo so I figured I would share with the group.  Just as I had finished watching #8 from Army publicly humiliate himself by weeping more than a black woman during a Baptist sermon, I assumed the rest of the night would be status quo and business as usual.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  The following is what I witnessed:

/Two men dressed in ridiculously offensive Mexican outfits with fake mustaches come crashing through the door yelling obnoxiously while blasting finger guns in the air.

Man 1:  ANDALE' FAGGOTS!

Man 2:  LEELEELEELEELEELEELEELEELEELEE!!!!  /continues to finger guns

Hispanic Waiter Carlos:  Excuse me, sirs.  Is there something I can help you with?  And please stop yelling like that.  It's terribly offensive.

Man 1:  First order of business.  Drink my sperm for being such a rude twat.  Second order of business.  My name is El Spicko and this is my brother Los Wetback.  We hail from Albuquerque and would like a table that overlooks your best Mexican snatch platter.  The dirtier the pussy the better.  We're also meeting family here so make sure the table is as wide as your mother's asshole.

Carlos:  Please.  Sir.  This is a place of business and I will not be spoken to that way.  Now I'll be happy to serve you and your party but you must remove the t shirts that say "Mexican Greasers Do It With Their Horses."

Los Wetback:  HA!  As long as you admit that they do.  No?  Fair enough.  But the sombreros and these queer shawl things made out of rat pubes you fuckin homos wear stay.

Carlos: /sighs loudly  Follow me...

/Carlos seats the two men at the largest table located in the most desolate corner of the restaurant.

El Spicko:  I'm fuckin bored already.  Did mom or dad text you yet?

Los Wetback:  As a matter of fact they did because you're an irresponsible fart cloud.  They said they would be a few minutes late because they have to go pick up Crean Pie from the dildo factory.  Sounds like he was picking out his Christmas present!

El Spicko:  Shit on a fuckin tit!  Fuckin Crean Pie is coming?  Isn't he too busy perming his pussy hair at a salon for faggots?  He's such a beav, man.  I'm going to force feed him dog shit when he gets here.  And yes...I have dog shit with me because of moments exactly like these.

Los Wetback:  Only one way to make this tolerable.  HEY!  BEANER!!  SIX PITCHERS OF MARGARITAS AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE THINK ABOUT PISSING IN THESE AGAIN!  WE'VE TRAINED OUR T-BUDS TO LOCATE MEXICAN PISS PLACED IN ANY BEVERAGE!

 /turns to El Spicko

Now, let's get plowed on margs, stare into each other's eyes and see who loses their hard-on first.  Loser gets punched in the butthole.

El Spicko:  You're fuckin on!

/30 minutes later

Jack Harbaugh:  Excuse me, sir.  We're supposed to be meeting our boys here.  Could you point us in the right direction?

Carlos:  I'm assuming your boys would be the loud mouth jerks dressed as offensively as you could possibly get.  We stuck them in the corner but that hasn't prevented them from driving away 80% of our business this evening.

Jack:  Christ...not again.  This way, everyone.

/Jack, Tom and Joani head towards the table.

Jack:  Really, boys?!  Really???  Now I see why your mother refused to show her face in public knowing you two degenerates would be acting like complete imbeciles.  And take off those ridiculous mustaches!!

Jim and John together:  Sorry, daddy.

Jim:  Well loookie what we have here.  Good ol' Crean Pie.  Shouldn't you be somewhere doing gay shit with gay men you fuckin gaybate?  I have a Christmas present for you, Captain Shit Fingers.

Tom Crean:  No thanks...especially if it's a balloon full of your own piss like last year.

Jim:  That was a bum's piss, actually.  Fresh from an Oakland barrio.  Just for you.

Tom:  Regardless...I'll pass on the gift.

/Jim slowly and discreetly places the bag of dog shit back into his coat pocket.

Jim:  Fine.  Your loss, Shit Fingers.  It was actually something good this year...

John:  You know why we call him shit fingers, don't you Joani?

Joani:  Not interested.

John:  It's because we caught him finger slamming his own shit maker to a Brad Pitt love scene in Legends of the Fall.  Sick bastard.  Probably would've tore something if I hadn't showed up when I did.

Tom:  FOR THE LAST TIME MY UNDERWEAR WAS RIDING UP MY ASS AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT!!  JESUS CHRIST!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO?!

John:  Suuuuuuuuuuure, Crean Pie.  And I didn't catch Jim rubbing mom's period underwear all over his scarlet peaches last week.

Jack:  What did you just say??

Jim:  THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY BETWEEN US!!!  I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!

/A fight erupts at the table between Jim and John.  Eventually it's broken up by the wait staff and the Harbaugh family is asked to leave.

Carlos:  Obviously none of you are welcome back at this establishment in the future and you have roughly 10 seconds to vacate the premises before I call the police.

John:  I call your bluff, Brown Town.  All the workers here are illegal immigrants anyway.   You'd be fucking yourself over by calling the cops.  The only legal Mexicans in America are Johnny Depp and Lou Diamond Phillips.  Everyone knows that.

Jim:  Fuckin A right, Mexifaggot.  Fine.  We were leaving anyway.  It's way too Mexicanny in here for our taste.  We'll just start going to the China Dragon where they don't even know we're making fun of them.  By the way...I farted in all the taco meat while you guys weren't looking.  PEACE OUT, FUCKERS!!

Jack:  I'm really sorry.  Here's $300.  I hope that covers some of what happened here tonight.

Carlos:  Not even close.  Now get the fuck out of here.

At that point the entire family left but not before John puked in the plants on his way out.  Just when I never thought I would see the HarBRAHs ever again, they pop up for a memorable Christmas dinner at El Camino.  Good thing there's three of these places in Toledo because I'm pretty sure they'll never be allowed back at the one on Dussell Drive.  But in the meantime, keep your eyes open...you never know where these fuckers will show up next.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Worst of Week Fourteen Vol.VI

Do you remember how awesome Matt Millen was with the Detroit Lions?  Oh, those were some terrific times.  But for as bad as Millen was as a president of an NFL team, I truly believe that Roger Goodell is just as awful running the entire league.  Take this week's profile in Time Magazine for example.  Ol' Ginger Dick apparently wants to eliminate the kickoff because it's more dangerous than war.  O RLY?  If you haven't heard, he wants to take it away from the game and replace it with the team that just scored getting a 4th and 15 from their own 30.  They can go for it or punt.  SO DUMB.  Yeah, that's what football fans want to see...Make It, Take It.

If the kickoff is tantamount to Kobe Bryant hotel rape (it is not) then how about this simple proposal as opposed to Goodell's tard plan: do it like they do in high school.  If the kick reaches the end zone, it's an automatic touchback.  I feel like most kickers just crush it through the end zone anyway which makes this idea even more stupid.  Stop pussifying the game, Rog.  No one cares about player safety.  Roger Goodell sucks.  Onto the rest of week fourteen's worst:

Josh Brent - Well look at that, another player death this week!  You've got to love dumb pro athletes who just refuse to use the car service that is readily available for them for free.  This whole situation is just sad though...because we only got rid of one Cowboy and not all of them.  COUNT IT.

Keyshawn Johnson - He took a break from wearing his own jersey (j/k, he would never do that) to mouth fart that young players don't have enough money to afford cabs and that is why they drunk drive and kill their buddies.  FYI, the minimum NFL salary in 2012 is $390,000.  Habib's cab fares must be ridiculous. Keyshawn is a fucking dolt. 

The Return or Romeo, Hillis, and Rainbow Tenor - One of the dumbest subplots of the season was the little ex-GF spat between Hillis and Joe Thomas earlier this week.  The Chiefs, built with a whole fuckload of ex-Browns, were coming back home to exact some revenge.  Or not.  The Chiefs are the worst.

Bad Browns Fans - I don't understand those that want their team to lose in order to get a higher draft pick.  If you have a QB then you shouldn't want to lose ever.  Whether or not you believe in Weeden is pointless because he is going to be there for the next few years.  These guys need to learn to win.  And they are.  Quit being a dipshit.

Tonya - She shit all over her Bengals to instead go to a Browns/Chiefs game in which she had no rooting interest at all.  WTF?  You deserved to lose that game and probably missing out on the playoffs for that tomfoolery.  Good job by the Bengals losing to Team Dead Guy.  Maybe one day Terrence Newman will learn how to catch.  By the way, always bet on teams who just had a guy die the day before.  They are 2-0 ATS. 

Andrew Luck - Let's slow down on calling goblin boy the GOAT.  Yeah, he is winning games and that is really all that matters BUT dude is leading the league in interceptions.  The same league also features weekly Mark Sanchez, too.  I just want to remind everyone that I picked the Colts to make the playoffs before the season started.  I CALLED THIS SHIT.

Jay Cutler's Head - He should just retire.  The Bears clearly do not care about his health.  Just walk away and start up another Laguna Beach franchise or something.  Adrian Peterson Update: still the best and the MVP because he is not a human being.  AP is the TROOF.

Norv > Tomlin - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Also Batch > Ben.  Who the fuck gets smoked by the Chargers at home?  They lost to the Browns!  It's a damn shame that the Bingles lost because I would truly enjoy the Steelers sitting at home in January.  But I can't be too mean since I will be rooting for them to kill more Cowboys next Sunday.  We know that James Harrison has the guns to mow a few down.

Atlanta getting punked - Leading up to the game, Panthers DE Greg Hardy called the Falcons frauds and fags and skidmarks and whatever.  He was right.  The Falcons suck.  Matt Ryan is hot garbage.  He was missing open receivers by ten yards all day.  Michael Turner is just a 300 pound ass with arms at this point.  This team peaked way too early.  They will lose their first playoff game yet again.

Cam Newton - Oh, how did you like his three months of trolling leading up to now?  Can you believe this guy?  If you somehow made your fantasy playoffs with Cam on your team, congratulations on the miracle, plus you are going to win your league.  GUARANTEED.  Cam is ELITE when there is nothing to play for.

Greg Schiano - It serves that douche right to lose a game like that to the terrible Eagles.  After Napoleon Dynamite threw the GW TD, She$ made the correct comment that the Eagles coaching staff are all 400 pounds.  Just gross people. 

RGKnee - Eh, it didn't look that great but he told Sal Pal that it will be fine.  Of course he would get hurt the week before I will be in the stadium to watch him be incredible.  But what a TRANSCENDENT backup QB play by Kirk Cousins!  Idiots keep saying things like "the Redskins appear to be a team of destiny" which is dumb but I'll take it.  These guys are hot as fuck right now in spite of a horrible secondary and I'm enjoying the ride.  Before the season, I had us at 8-8.  We're 7-6 and will be favored in the last three games.  I'll take that.  I really want to win the division.

The State of Arizona - This was the worst offensive game possibly ever.  I'm not just blaming the Cards, I'm blaming the entire state...ESPECIALLY Buke.  Speaking of you, just show up in Glendale today and offer to be their starting QB.  See what they say.

Drew Brees - OK now, this is two weeks of straight garbage from the Breesus.  And now that RG3sus is shaky, who will be the new -sus?  Adrian Pesustersen?  Nah, that makes too MUCH sense.  I'm just going to say it: Drew Brees sucks.

Gambling! - No great stories this week but I did play poker at the Hollywood Saturday night.  Played for 4 hours.  Played about 5 hands.  Lost 9 bucks.  Still better than hanging out with the wife, amirite!  I have no problem folding, but I HATE not even getting cards that would make me debate betting.

FANTASY! - I kicked FagNasty's ass in the MSFL first round and now face Damman in the semis.  Bring it.  After taking the week off with a bye in the DFL, I get to murder Mr. Ace in the semis in that one.  I missed the playoffs (likely) in the G$FL and that is unfortunate but Ide is a faggot so whatever.  Losing GRONK killed me in that league.

Finally, the week is upon us.  Seal (and the rest of you assholes that read and never comment like a bunch of free-loading shit-bricks), I'm coming and I'm bringing all of my African American Redskin fans with me.  The goal is to get up there around 9-9:30.  Griffin?  Cousins?  Grossman?  It doesn't matter.  Haven't you heard?  WE ARE A TEAM OF DESTINY!  There is no way in Hell that the Browns are capable of winning four games in a row.  Fuck yo' couches and Hail To The Redskins.

Friday, December 07, 2012

The 2012 Wiseman Award Goes To...

The creator of this prestigious award
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has its own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Wiseman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Wiseman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Wiseman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton
2011 – Matt Barkley ROBERT GRIFFIN III

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. After Matt Barkley decided to keep sucking boners in LA over being OVERRATED for the Browns, he was stripped of his Weisman last year in favor of someone truly ELITE. We crushed it two years ago with Cammy Cam Cam. We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game 4 years ago. And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field in 2006.

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curb-stomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never be considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). Basically, I like to award the Weisman to the player that I will remember the most when I think back about the season. It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2012 Weisman Award winner.

Those who were not invited:
Dri Archer and Kenjon Barner – These are probably the two most electric runnin’ backs in the country.
Jarvis Jones – If we’re going to start crowning linebackers, Jones needs to be recognized as well. He overcame his own thuggery as a youth to be possibly the best defensive player in the country. It’s too bad that he plays on such a choke-y team.
MarQuise Lee – Now that he won’t have to catch footballs covered in jizz anymore, Lee will likely blossom into an uber-stud top 5-worthy pick next year.
Lee Corso – It was a banner year for the pencil executive. He nearly strangled a live duck on air. He shot multiple guns off. He had to have Desmond explain to him who 2Pac was and then asked if he was a poet. And he yelled “fuck” on camera. I’m a big fan of GameDay and Corso may have had his most entertaining year yet in 2012.
Braxton Miller – I was sort of surprised to see #5 not get an invite to New York this weekend but when you look at his season, you’ll see that he probably peaked too early. In fact, Carlos Hyde might have been just as valuable down the stretch as Miller. But Braxton was still pretty terrific this year when he wasn’t throwing Waney Wobblers so I must be fair and give him some credit. I guarantee that the Wiseman voters will never give him this award.  GUARANSHEED.

The invitees:
Jordan Lynch, QB, Northern Illinois – If you can have a season where you set the QB rushing yards record AND lead a MAC school to a BCS Bowl then that might be the greatest non-title season of all time for any player. Lynch really is a terrific player regardless of the competition level that he faces.
Chip Kelly, Coach, Oregon – I don’t give a fuck about the "rules". With all the great sound bites that he gives our Pac-12 North beat reporter, Prime, Chip was a lock for this event.
Collin Klein, QB, Kansas State – Lee Corso may think that his name is Calvin, but there aren’t many players who mean more to their team than Optimus Klein does. He had both the Heisman and the Weisman on lock until he got his brains scrambled and then stopped running the ball over the last month. He is a terrible thrower…Steven Bellomy-terrible.
Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A and M – It sounds like Jonathon Football is going to walk away very happy on Saturday night which would make him the first freshman to ever win the Heisman. That’s great (fart noise). He seems like a good kid with a terrific mugshot but I can’t pull the trigger on him and it has nothing to do with his pizza face. Sure, he has the signature game of all signature games, but I watched those Florida and LSU games and he sucked in both. I reward consistent play with the Weisman Trophy which is the winner is going to make you puke.

The 2012 Winner of The Money Shot’s Wiseman Award is…

Manti Te’o, MLB, Notre Dame
It’s not just because he is the best player on the best team because I am much more of a deep thinker than that. Seriously, when has Notre Dame EVER been known for their defense? The Irish may not be statistically the best defense in the country, but this IS the best defense in the country and the heart and soul of that unit is this year’s Wiseman Award winner.

Te’o appears to be a great kid who had to deal with a lot of tough shit this season and I’m a sucker for a good story (as long as it doesn't come from Tom Rinaldi). The fact is that this defense was great EVERY week…even when the offense gave them no margin for error. They shut down Denard. They embarrassed Landry Jones. They made Matt Barkley fake an injury. They faced a multitude of offenses throughout the season and pooped on all of them. And Te’o led the way every week. I honestly believe that Te’o will be the next Ray Lewis but with smaller eyes and less knife rage.

What do you think? Did the Wiseman voters get it right? Who’s taking home the Heisman tomorrow? Will the Redskins keep it rolling against the Ravens on Sunday?  The answer to that last question is a resounding YES.  Will I win in the G$FL this week to make it 8 for 8 on playoff appearances in fantasy football over the last two years?  Let's hope so.