Friday, November 30, 2012

The Glory Hole Heads To The D!

But are they tag-less?
All football season long, I have been dropping truth bombs on you every Friday out of hope that you use that knowledge to win money and then buy me stuff. That has not happened. I’m not sure why either. If you just called me up every Saturday and Sunday morning and done exactly what I told you, your bankroll would be showing a profit of 545% right now. You read that right…I’m up FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE PERCENT this year. It is a lock that I finish well in the black come Super Bowl Sunday. What does this mean? One, I am really smart and two; I should just stick to wagering on the MAC and the NFL. I would be a billionaire if I did just that. Oh well. Anyway, we’ve got our big contest today which I will get too at the end. But first, some more picks to click this weekend:

UCLA +8 @ Stanford – The Bruins won’t win but I expect a close game in the rematch.
Cincinnati -4.5 @ UConn – LOL! The ACC turned both of you fag schools down! They would rather invite a school that doesn’t even offer classes!
Nebraska -3 vs. Wisconsin – This should be a touchdown. Both of these teams suck dicks.
Alabama -7.5 vs. Georgia – I don’t love this but I’ve learned to never bet against Nick Saban in a big game. I still believe that Mark Richt is shit and I always will.
Florida State -14 vs. Georgia Tech – I don’t like this much either but as my old OL coach used to say, “When in doubt, fire out”. That means that if you forget what the snap count is and false start, you better take a cheap shot at the guy across from you and knock him on his ass. Sometimes those five yards are worth it. This has nothing to do with the ACC Title Game but that game sucks so whatever. Don’t bet on that game. I’m not. FSU can not be trusted. I’m only mentioning it because it is happening and has BCS bowl implications.
Arkansas State -9.5 vs. MTSU – Gus Malzahn is coaching for an SEC gig and Middle Tennessee is leaving the Sun Belt. Uh oh, this smells like a blowout even if I know nothing about either team.

Jacksonville +6 @ Buffalo – The Bills aren’t 6 points better than anyone and Chad Henne has been ELITE recently. LOCK.
Indianapolis +5 @ Detroit – The Lions also aren’t 5 points better than anyone…especially over a playoff team.  Plus, their season ended last week.
Tampa Bay +7.5 @ Denver – You know, this is a really great game simply because Tampa will be able to keep up with the Broncos. That is too many points.
Cincinnati -1.5 @ San Diego – The Chargers are DONE after last week's monumental choke and the Bengals are fucking hot.
Dallas (does not matter but its -11) vs. Philadelphia – You should be betting against the Eagles every week.

Now we have come to the contest portion. The Sol Republic headphones will go to the commenter that comes closest to the final score of tonight’s MAC Championship game from the place where Suh likes to kick nuts. If it weren’t for those bastards in the SEC, this would be the game of the week and we all know by now that there is A LOT riding on the outcome. If Kent State wins, they are likely going to the Orange Bowl. If Northern wins, whatever, they can’t jump enough teams to do the same. Either way, I will be shocked if either Hazell or Doeren return to Kent and DeKalb respectively next year. So pick the winner and final score. Also list your pick for the number of rushing yards by Dri Archer as that will serve as a tiebreaker should the score by 28-24 and someone has 35-31 and another has 24-20. Again, the winner gets $129 headphones! I can assure you that these things are bad ass and worth doing very little like making a prediction on a great website.  Who do I like tonight, you ask?
Proof that Dut only invites the thickest of dongs over to his house.

G$’s Final MAC Glory Hole of the Week: Kent State +6.5 vs. Northern Illinois. Hell, I will probably moneyline this, too (and I did plus my site has it at +7.5 so I'm going to be a kajillionaire tonight). NIU has a tendency to play small in these big games and rarely blow teams out. I see the same thing happening tonight. Kent feels like a team of destiny to me and I really want to see them play in a BCS bowl since I’ve been on their nuts all year. Plus, WE GET PAID, you hiney hobbit! I’m going with Kent State 31, Northern Illinois 28. MACtion!!! Now trademarked by the league! They’re even selling t-shirts soon AKA the perfect holiday gift!  GO FLASHES!  BEAT THE HUSKIES...THEN THE NOLES!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Hate Living in a World Where Tom Crean is ELITE

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Just a quick post today as I am inexplicably busier than usual and I lost my usual afternoon bloggin' time yesterday due to a visit to my pederast eye doctor.  He's such a fucking weirdo.  I'm pretty sure he was purposely breathing in my eyeballs.  It was not erotic.

I've watched most of the top ten teams play this year and I can't get away from this unfortunate thought:

Indiana and Michigan are the best two teams.  And no one else is really that close.  Sure, they will stumble at some point this season or have a bad week or deal with some injuries, but the Hoosiers and Wolverines are terrific.  I don't really understand how this happened so quickly.

I mean, Tom Crean took a dumpster fire and built the most complete team in the country in four years (and they aren't going to regress any time soon).  Get used to the Hoosiers being in the top 5 for awhile.  Up north, Michigan might be more puzzling to me.  Jon Bielein is a goddamn weirdo who looks like the kind of guy who would be the commissioner of a Fantasy Necrophiliac League.  Why are stud kids wanting to play for him?  Makes no sense...but Trey Burke and Company are bananas.  I don't know when IU and Michigan play this year but it will be terrific and I hope that Dick Vitale has a stroke. 

I'm writing this before the Ohio State and Duke contest which will probably not mean much for the Big Ten/ACC ass-forking, but I will assume that Duke got their revenge.  Why?  You don't just walk into Hell and beat the devil.  As I've said, I like Ohio State's chances this year, but after watching the other Big Ten teams already, I'd bet that they don't win the regular season conference title.  Needless to say, if you wanted to bet on who wins the national title this year, I'll take the Big Ten and you can have every other team.  This is great news for Brady who roots for all 12 teams equally.

I think that Seal said it best on Facebook the other night: "I'm so excited to hate Indiana basketball this year."  Me too, BRO, me too.

In NBA news, the Cavs and Pistons meet later this week and--HOLY FUCK--are these teams SHIT.  I can't speak on Detroit because I don't watch them thankfully, but their 3 wins speak for themselves.  I can talk about the Cavs who disgust me more than Ric Flair not wearing a shirt and we're not even 20% of the way through the season.  They have no one on the bench worth horse jizz.  Our sick rotation of wing players is led by the combined 12% shooting of CJ Miles, Omri Casspi, and Alonzo Gee.  Who?  Exactly.  The ONLY bright spots are that Dion Waiters has no problem going days without passing and that Anderson Varejao is one of the ten best players in the league.  That latter is an absolute FACT.  He deserves to not have to play with his garbage teammates.  Dude is averaging 14 and 14.  They better not trade him.  Ever.  He's going to be an All Star (and should be starting...well, as long as he stays healthy).  DEAL WITH IT.

Finally, the return of A CONTEST!!!  The fine people over at Sol Republic reached out to me a few weeks ago asking if I wanted a pair of their excellent headphones.  I OBVZ said yes.  They asked if I wanted another pair to give away.  I reluctantly said yes to that.  These things are really nice (they sell for $129 so this ain't no cheap giveaway) and I can confirm that they are most excellent at drowning out your wife's inane ramblings or whatever terrible TV show that she's watching.  If you want the free pair of headphones (which are in my possession), just let me know in the comments and I'll pick a winner tomorrow.  FYI, they appear to be more compatible with Apple products.  Warning--this drawing could be rigged.

Tomorrow, we'll preview all of the conference championship games including the final MACtion of the season.  So sad...it was a great year.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

One Day, You All Will Carry Me Off Of The Internet

You've got to be kidding me, breh.
Since The Iceman focused solely on the fallout of the Ohio/Michigan game yesterday, I’m going to do his fucking job for him and talk about the rest of the stuff that happened this past weekend in college football. Sure, we could discuss how the Notre Dame game absolutely slaughtered The Big OVERRATED in the ratings, but we won’t because I don’t want to come off as being a Cowherd. I’m just here to point out facts. I won’t dwell on them. Let’s just list today’s talking points:

*Jim Tressel is apparently Sean Astin now – This did not and still does not sit well with me for a variety of reasons. I totally understand why the 2002 national champion team was honored during the game. After all, why wouldn’t they be acknowledged? But I have so many problems with how this was handled.

-Why do it during the Michigan game? This kind of thing should be center stage and not just a throw-in. Do this at halftime of the Illinois game or some other garbage team on your schedule (there were plenty of garbage options to choose from). Why force it into a place that it doesn’t need to be? Yes, the 2002 team physically raped the 2012 team.
-I get that most fans still have warm and fuzzy memories of Jim Tressel. I don’t know why he is being given a hero’s welcome now though.
-Seriously, the guy who ruined everything (featuring Gene Smiff!) got the loudest cheer during this makeshift ceremony.
-Keep in mind, if it weren’t for him, you could/would be gearing up for a BCS title game against Brian Kelly right now.
-CARRYING HIM OFF THE FIELD? ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO? DO YOU HAVE ALZHEIMER'S?
-It was very nice of all of you in attendance to act like fucking idiots and shit all over your new and far superior head coach. You don’t understand this because you’re dumb, but you made a criminal into a martyr with that.
-I don’t necessarily believe that he should have been booed because he was there for 2002, not for 2010; but a more fitting response would have been stone cold silence. 2002 will always be there…but so will 2010. He doesn’t deserve to be cheered and CARRIED OFF THE FIELD for that.
-My guess is that if Urban knew that it would play out like that, he would have asked for it to not be during the Michigan game. That game should have been a celebration of everything that HE had accomplished this year with average players.
-Maybe the mouth-breather reaction would have been different if things weren’t so rosy now…but I doubt it. You all are an ignorant bunch.

Basically, my problem with this is that the villain was allowed to be the hero and it shouldn’t work that way. Also, there is a time and a place for everything: shoe-horning a reunion into THE BIG GAME is really unnecessary. Maurice Clarett is still a felon. And Craig Krenzel was at the Varsity Club after the game trying to sell everyone cowboy boots. So those are my feelings on that. I’m quite certain that everyone wearing OHIO STATE COLORED GLASSES will disagree with me while all of the smart people (like Chip Kelly) will break their necks from nodding in approval so much.

*I hope that Jim Delany is watching The Pac-12 – This is exactly why Michigan and Ohio should be in the same division. Rematches in back-to-back weeks are a TERRIBLE idea. Did you see TJ Simers call out Jim Mora for not giving a fuck last week? Because he was TOTES right. UCLA fucking mailed that game in (and rightfully so) because it meant dick and everyone knew that. Do you really want that to happen in THE BIG GAME? You can sit there and say that that will NEVER happen, but you don’t know that to be true. No coach on the planet would choose to win the first game over the conference title. NONE. They need to be on the same side.

*If you thought that no one could be dumber than Matt Leinart when he went back to USC, just look at the same campus - Bonerz Barkley made a truly horrible decision to come back to school and I love every second of his failed Senior season. Unfinished business. Huh? Yeah, good luck in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, homo.

*You want a better Big Ten, let’s see if you’re serious – Danny Hope’s mustache got canned by Purdue earlier and I’ve got to think that Minnesota could be in the market for a new skipper as well (Jerry Kill still leads the nation in seizures and now abuses his players apparently). It’s time to put out or get out. Purdue is rumored to be interested in Ball State’s Pete Lembo. He’s a solid coach, but this is not the hire that is going to improve the reputation of this borderline Big East. In case I haven’t made it painfully clear by now, I loathe everything about the Big 14. Which, in a little more than one year, will feature 100% more Randy Edsall!

*I don't buy these rumors at all, but... - How hilarious would it be if Bill O'Brien left Penn State for the NFL?  That would literally be the best thing ever.

*The ACC is terrible – They had two big opportunities to raise their stock in the world and failed miserably. I blame Jeff because Jeff is the worst.

*This might be the worst Heisman race ever – This is probably the worst Heisman race ever.

That will do it for this week’s edition of “Do Iceman’s Job for Him”. I should probably say something relatively nice to you Ohio fans before I call it quits. How about this: An undefeated season is amazing regardless of whom you play. I would much rather be the worst undefeated team of all time (highly possible) than the best 11-1 team ever. Sure, you aren’t going to be the highly coveted AP National Champs, but #2 isn’t a bad place to end up either. So just remember that although you embarrassed yourself by applauding the efforts of Jim Tressel on Saturday, you will always have your Legends Division title which someone else also has because that makes sense. When the season ends in early January and you are patting your backs for a #2 job well done (even though everyone has already forgot about your cheating asses), being the first one to look up at Brian Kelly’s or Nick Saban’s asshole is exactly what you deserve. Until next year, you cum chuggers!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

College Football Week 13

                                          He most certainly does...




It appears the day most of you (especially Drew and Seal) have been waiting for is upon us.  I may actually be dying.  Some outside force has shredded my insides and is teeing off on my immune system like I'm Andrew Beckett.  ELITE movie reference.  Just know that every crap I take sounds like I'm dumping 4 gallons of clam chowder into the toilet.  It was funny the first time.  The last 27 times have been rather painful/scary.  Well, I have a lot of jabs to dodge so in today's special college football Tuesday post we will be doing the Good, Tard and Tardest of Ohio vs. Michigan from Saturday.

The Good

Carlos Hyde - I had been saying it for weeks, we would struggle with Hyde on Saturday.  And we did.  He had an impressive day against a defense that seems to always have massive issues with big backs.  I can't wait to hear all about Hyde's 2013-2014 All-America/Heisman campaign from Brady today.  It will make me want to saw off my own cock with a plastic knife.

Michigan's defense - I thought the defense played well overall (with the obvious exception of Hyde filleting their buttholes on occasion).  They let Ohio drive the field at times but also made big stops when they had to against an offense that can score it.  They could have done better and also could have done much worse.  But they certainly didn't lose the game...and that's about all us fans could have asked for.

The Tard

Brady and his predictions - Ohio St. wins by double digits.  Good call Aguado.  I would bet that shit all day.  And lose money all day.  Johnny Simon is going to eat that O Line alive.  Didn't even play.  I love Urban Meyer sperm milk shakes and will have at least 3 on Saturday.  Hey!  There's one prediction he got right.  You guys should have seen the backhanded complimentary texts Brady was throwing to Michigan's defense on Saturday after the game.  They were glorious...trying so hard not to directly compliment anything Michigan did that day.  It reminded me of that Office episode where Michael tries to be nice to Toby for a whole day and just can't do it.

Damman's weird obsession with Jordan Kovacs -I can't figure out why Damman is so in love with Kovacs.  If he's not posting about him on Facebook then he's sending me love texts.  Just ask him to the fuckin prom already and get it over with!  I bet Damman has posters of Kovacs all over his bedroom walls with the mouths and buttholes cut out of all of them.  But seriously, Damman.  Get some help.

The Tardest

My bar tab - I had broken $100 by 5PM and tallied a little more than $140 before the night came to a destructive close.  There's nothing quite like sensing something is terribly fucking wrong with your finances the next morning/afternoon and then uncrumbling several bar tabs totaling triple digits.  The last one was hilarious.  It appeared to be filled out and signed by a 5 year old.  I closed my last tab with the hieroglyphics on it literally seconds after I accidentally tipped over and cleaned off an entire table of drinks into the lap of future ex-Mrs. Ice.  She seemed pretty impressed about the whole thing.  At least there weren't any more Iceman Dance City 2.0 videos from Saturday.

Ide's tolerance - In case the first picture wasn't enough for you, here's a second to enjoy.


The next person who drinks with Ide should give him a beer bottle with a nipple on it.  I don't know what time this is on Saturday but I want to believe that it's half time of the Michigan Ohio game.  Meh...it doesn't matter when it happened because I've already decided in my brain that it was at half time.  Sweet dreams, Ide.

Michigan's second half offensive game plan -This is the shit that just fuckin bothers me and the shit I can't wrap my head around.  The play Denard scored on right before half time was getting chunk yardage every time they ran it.  It was a wishbone lead QB sweep is about the best way to describe it.  There were 3 times in the second half (that I can remember anyway) where Michigan needed 1 yard for a first.  So what do they do??  Instead of running a play that had success all first half, they run the classic Brian Daboll "run into the bodies play for no gain or -3 yards" that Daboll perfected in Cleveland while he was there.  Not once did they run the play Denard scored on in the second half.  NOT FUCKING ONCE!  The second half game plan was straight poop.

The Iceman Lock of the week

Did I pick the wrong team again?  Probably.  To be honest with you I don't even remember the two teams I showcased from last week.  Whatever.  Let's round out this year with another embarrassing loss to be proud of.

Now that Michigan's season is over and they only have what will most likely be the Midas Car Care Bowl or Outback Bowl left, I'm with G$ and want a Big10 implosion.  UNRANKED WISCONSIN TO THE ROSE BOWL FUCKERS!!  Why?  Because the Big 10 sucks this year, I'm a bitter fan, I fucking hate Nebraska and I want a homeless guy to chew off Bo Pelini's hook nose.  Cheese 24 Corn 21.

Well, obviously I was not very fucking pleased with the outcome of that game as you could tell by my massive bar tab.  It's a good thing I was too hammered to operate Facebook Saturday.  I'm sure the status updates were fucking littered with Urb fellates.  Oh well...time to move on.  If we learned anything from this weekend it's that Damman wants to toss Kovacs' salad, Brady can't be objective about anything Buckeye related and girls in middle school can outdrink Ide.  Make sure you thank G$ for the pictures that kept the night from being a complete disaster.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Worst Of Week Twelve Vol.VI

Play of the Year
It seems like we have been cursed with terrible Thanksgiving Day football games over the past decade but this year was absolutely terrific in many different ways.  You had potentially the game of the year first (with hilarious controversy!).  A rookie stud becoming a legend in game two.  And a monumental shit-kicking late that was chock full of LOL-worthy moments (as seen above).  Let's get to the breakdown of the week.

Ndamukong Suh - What are we going to do with this guy?  I mean, I can understand Lions fans defending him here and maybe they have a point.  But I don't and can't defend him.  I can't remember Justin Tuck (or anyone else for that matter) "accidentally" punting a QB in the python ever.  And he doesn't have a track record of being an on-field cocksucker.  Suh is a very good player but he is a piece of shit.  These are facts.  I don't think that you can fine or suspend Suh for behaving like a middle school bully, but he's pushing his luck.  I will forever root against this dirtbag.

Jim Schwartz - First of all, that rule is SO DUMB.  Why is that even in place?  The offense scores on a terrible non-call.  The coach gets all red-faced and throws a flag.  Now, apparently, the play has to stand because of a red bean bag?  This makes sense?  But then again, Schwartz is a dumbass.  He should know better since it JUST HAPPENED to Mike Smiff.  I'm officially off his bandwagon.  Dude is pretty bad as a head coach.  I know this because he doesn't know the fucking rules and just ended his team's season with his fucktardery.  What does Gunther Cunningham think of his boss...

Brandon Pettigrew - Can we officially label this loser a bust now? HE IS NOT GOOD.

Jason Hanson - Time to retire, old fuck.

Miles Austin - He had two balls thrown to him early and he got killed on both passes.  London Fletcher (JOHN CARROLL!) murdered him in the endzone so Smiles took the rest of the game off.  PUSSY.

DeMarcus Ware - He usually locks up 5 sacks per game against the Redskins.  He didn't do shit on Thursday.  I support this.

Jerry Jones' realizing that the Skins have passed his team - That was the best part of all.  OBVZ, RG3 was absolutely TRANSCENDENT and ELITE, but I enjoyed the postgame quotes from everyone with Dallas seeming resigned to the fact that the Skins are going to own them for awhile.  Goddamn, Bobby Griff was so good.  That TD pass to Moss at the end of the half was ELITE.  The Redskins are in the playoff hunt after week 11.  That has not happened in awhile.  And they get the Giants at home next Monday night.  Good God, I can't wait.

My family being related to me - I was TOTES going bananas during the game.  The Fat Tires were going down a little too well.  I was scaring the dogs with my screams and post-score Jordan-esque fist pumps and "dice rolls".  It was beautiful.  I couldn't have planned my Thanksgiving Day any better.  Having an entertaining and relevant football team is the best.

DeAngelo Hall - So you recover an onside kick and have a clear path to the endzone ahead of you.  What do you do?  Kneel at the one?  That does not compute.  RUN IT UP!

Mark Sanchez - How do they still let him be the starter?  His ass-related fumble has to be the reverse play of the year and has to be the Jets-est play of all time.  I can't think of a more fitting way to end their season.  BUT WAIT!

Timmy Tenor - Why not?  They're 4-7.  They likely have to go 5-0 to have a shot at the playoffs.  That sure as shit isn't happening with Mexi-cunt at QB.  Let's give the rock to T-Double and see if he still has the magic.  COME ON, REX, IT'S TENOR TIME!

Grumpy! - I got to talk to him yet again at Yager Stadium on Friday but forgot to remind him about his hypocrisy.  Let me explain: Who is the first one to always whine about the Steelers cheap-shot guys getting fined for dirty hits?  Where was this person when Ed Reed actually got suspended incorrectly?  BE CONSISTENT!

Ben Roethlisberger - I don't care for people naming their son after themselves...especially when dad has been accused of rape twice.  Someone should call social services.  Then again, Lange's son is named Rae Carruth Lange so whatever.

The Steelers - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLZZZZZZZZZ!!!  WAY TO LOSE TO THE BROWNS!  In the time that you read all of those L's and O's, the Steelers turned it over thrice more.  Brandon Weeden has the most talented concussion in league history.  

Commenter Jeff - Not only does he root for a team that got killed in Cleveland a day after taking a very homoerotic picture with Dut inside the Horseshoe, but he could not have been more wrong about Jay Cutler's brain bleeding out.  I guess that The Cat isn't out for the year after all.  Jeff's SOURCE is the worst.

Carson Palmer - Nice return to Cincinnati.  When the Raiders lose, they never leave it in doubt.  They get CRUSHED.  Nice weekend for Ohio Football Fans!

Doubters of the Falcons - It must get old to have the best record in the better conference and be constantly told that you suck.  Winning in Tampa over the hottest team in the league is a pretty impressive way to re-stake your claim as football's best team.

The LOLphins - Sure, they had a nice win over Seattle and all that jazz but having your stadium's sprinkler system go off during the game was quite pathetic.

Drew's Bills Fan Buddy - After the BIG GAME on Saturday, I waddled over to Drew's tailgate to say hello and discuss the national debt crisis.  He introduced me to his buddy that is a big Bills fan.  The guy was wearing Bills tennis shoes and admittedly pissed his pants.  He was all over the place with his stupor.  I have no other choice than to label that Bills fan as ELITE.  The Bills are still terrible though.  As are the Titans and Chiefs.  Chad Henne's revival is mind-boggling.

Beanie Wells - Welcome back, Christopher!  I'm glad that you overcame your fat family drinking soda on your draft day to actually play this year!  Two touchdowns in ONE game!  He's on this list because Wells blows and is the worst runnin' back in the league.  FACT!

Joe Flacco - It's 4th and 29...I've got to make a play...we need a FG...oh wait, my boy Ray Rice is wide open 2 feet in front of me!  I'll just throw a one yard pass and demand that he do all the work.  It makes perfect sense.  It is what an ELITE QB would do!!!  Joe Flacco is ass.  Never forget that.  And why wouldn't the Chargers give up a 4th and 29 on a one yard completion?  The Ravens are the luckiest team ever.  I am TOTES JELLY.

Drew Brees - He doesn't show up on these posts very often but launching two heinous pick sixes is awfully Ryan Lindley of him.  But, you know, dude got killed all game.  The Niners were just teeing off on Moleman. 

People like me who question the BRAH - I thought it was dumb as shit to bench Alex Smiff for that lanky asshole who was named after Cowherd but so far, so good for Copernicus or whatever his name is.  It's working out now but just know that I still think that it will fail miserably.

FANTASY! - Eh, everything is still up in the air.  Matt Ryan needs to quit pegging me though.  You're supposed to be a Brees, not a Flacco, jerk.

GAMBLOR! - I ended the MAC regular season with another 3-1 week.  Sorry about the Miami loss--I am such a reverse homer.  When that post went up, I had no idea that Ball State's QB was OUT and then we hurt the back-up.  It still wasn't enough to win though because we are terrible.  I continue to kill the NFL with wins of STL +1.5, BAL -1.5, and TB +2.5.  3-0 fuckdolls!

Obviously, most of you Fuckeyes can't wait to unleash hell on Iceman, the Sauls, and Ape (even though they haven't been very abrasive at all this year but it is in your awful DNA).  I want to believe that you can hold off for one more day.  Trust me, it will be worth it to see the best picture of Ide that you will ever see.  He was even worse than you could possibly imagine on Saturday and the picture that I sent to Ice is just glorious.  So, please, show some patience today or I will have no choice but to Suh-kick you in the nads.  Redskins = Super Bowl.  Browns > Steelers.  Math!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What Am I Supposed To Do With This 3.5 Point Spread?

U MAD TORG?
As I mentioned yesterday, this post was initially designed to begin with a rant about that stupid online petition started by rabid Ohio State fans asking for the President of the United States to pardon their football team from a bowl/poll ban. Seriously, I don’t know how you people are allowed in public. SO DUMB. And these miscreants make the entire group look awful. Oh sure, go ahead and cheer for Jim Tressel on Saturday when the 2002 team is honored and completely ignore the fact that he ruined a possible BCS Title this year. The past is great and all but he should be booed mercilessly for what he is depriving you of now. I’ve said it before and I will say it forever and ever: Ohio State has the dumbest fans in the world. Anyway, let’s take a look at some of the highlights and LOLlights of our College Football Preview Week experts from back in late August before we give out our always excellent gambling tips for the week:

HIGHLIGHTS!
*Other than The Wig Master, we all had either West Virginia or Michigan as the most OVERRATED team in America. Nice work.
*GSaul and I flexed our brain muscles by naming Florida as the most underrated team.
*Drew may have introduced us to Stefon Diggs, but Li’l Strut went above and beyond by naming Marqise Lee as a ridiculous stud.
*G$, GSaul, and Damman all shit-canned Derek Dooley before the season began.
*BOLD PREDICTIONS!
-Damman: Georgia will win the SEC and play for the national title.
-Wig Master: The Big Ten will only have five teams bowl eligible.
-Dut: Penn State loses their first game to Ohio
-G$: USC will not play for the BCS Title. And neither will Oklahoma because Landry Jones blows.

LOLLIGHTS!
*Drew listed VaTech as his most underrated team citing Logan Thomas making “the leap”!
*Obviously, Damman and Dut picking Braxton Miller as a sleeper player was awful and proved that they know nothing when they take off their OHIO STATE COLORED GLASSES!
*Dut didn’t think that interim coach John L. Smith would end well at Arkansas. How do you live with yourself?
*LS had Brian Kelly getting pink-slipped. Nice call.
*BOLD PREDICTIONS!
-Damman: Wisconsin will not play in the B1G title game.
-Drew: Alabama does not lose a game until the NCG. Ohio State wins @Wisconsin by more than 14 points.
-Wig Master: Notre Dame loses seven games this season.
-LS: Michigan State to the BCS Title Game.
-GSaul: DUKE will…continue to suck.—Wait a minute; I thought that he was their biggest fan!!!
-G$: Purdue wins their Big Ten division.
*Everyone’s Heisman picks were shit as you all sucked Matt Barkley’s boner except for GSaul (Landry Jones) and myself (Lattimore’s exploded leg).
*Our BCS title games might be even worse since no one had Alabama.

Good God, we blow. Except for me and GSaul, of course. Especially Drew—he continues to be wrong constantly. Let’s get to my holiday glory holes (MAC heavy this week!):

Kent State -10.5 vs. Ohio – Laugh now but if Boise loses to Nevada this weekend, KSU could potentially (albeit HIGHLY unlikely) qualify for a BCS bowl as the highest ranked non-AQ.
Bowling Green -9 vs. Buffalo – This will be a rout.
UMass +10 vs. Central Michigan – The Chippewas need a win to go bowling and no team deserves that less than them.
North Carolina -24.5 vs. Maryland – You will PAY for that garbage cover last week, Terps. Now there is no reason to not run up the score on Maryland.
MAC GHotWBall State -9 @ Miami – We have totally quit. I am very confident that we lose by 3 touchdowns.

Houston -3 @ Detroit – This line makes no sense.  The Texans are really good.  The Lions are below average.
Oakland +9.5 @ Cincinnati – CARSON PALMER IS BACK, BABY!!! He’ll keep it close. This game has 42-35 written all over it.
Tennessee -2.5 @ Jacksonville – The Titans suck but they are coming off a bye and the Jags will never be able to repeat what they did this past week
Baltimore PK @ San Diego – Huh?  Is everyone on the Ravens out this week?
Tampa Bay PK vs. Atlanta – I’m jumping off the Falcons bandwagon because MUDawg has not shown his face around here in awhile. 

So what about the big rivalry game that does not remotely compare to Napoleon/Defiance? First of all, if you have a rooting interest at all then you shouldn’t be betting on it. Let’s make that clear. You aren’t being open-minded if you are putting coin on this game. Never bet with your heart.  Second, I thought I saw that the line opened OSU -5 but every place has it down to 3.5 now which means that the public and the sharps like the Wolverines to cover. As do I…even now. I’m not touching this game but if you said to me, “BET ON THIS OR I WILL MAKE YOU TALK TO IDE FOR AN HOUR!,” then I would take the points because a conversation with Ide is worse than dick-rot. My prediction is 23-20 Ohio State with hopes that I just put a huge reverse jinx on those shits.

Like I said, we’re dark the rest of the week so eat your asses off and drink your livers dead. If you survive, we’ll see you on Monday.  GO REDSKINS!  BEAT DALLAS!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

College Football Week 12

    "WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER?! WHEN HOKE-A-MANIA RUNS WILD!"




The week that everyone except G$ has been waiting for is finally here.  Michigan Ohio week.  I can't wait to hear G$'s fuckin pussy whistle about how OVERRATED this game is.  Wear your life preserves so you don't drown in the tears that he will most certainly shed today.  This is THE greatest rivalry in all of sports and you like sperm covered turds if you don't agree.

My plan is be in Bowling Green by about 10AM.  Ball check Brady by 10:05AM since he most definitely would have done something by then to deserve it.  I will eat some sort of dead animal by 11ish that nobly gave it's life to eventually become my hangover poop.  I plan to have at least 6 beers down by the time I've finished putting enough food in my belly to reduce blacking out by 40%.  By this time it should be kickoff and I will have a tremendous base to do some real obnoxious damage.  I was told that if I get arrested that I should just mail my key back to the house.  I think she's bluffing...

The Good

Michigan's new offense - Okay...so it was technically by default and complete happenstance that Denard and Gardner spent a majority of the game on the field at the same time with Gardner taking multiple snaps at QB.  But it's about fucking time it happened!  Word on the street is that Denard's nerve injury is so bad he still can't grip a football.  Which is good since Gardner usually only has 2 or 3 complete mental meltdowns a game trying to laser beam a pass into quintuple coverage compared to Denard's 10.  This also means that Denard will be lining up how he probably should have been from the start.  As an athlete playing multiple positions and not a QB.  And I'm TOTES okay with this.

Tajh Boyd - I think Commenter Jeff wants to have unprotected butt sex with Tajh Boyd.  He finds the unnecessary "H" at the end of his first name terribly sexy.  Since everything else pretty much went to plan (outside of the obvious teams for my Tardest picks) then I have no choice but to talk about Boyd and his 8 touchdowns on Saturday.  Pretty gnarly is about all I have to say.  You know...I really can't wait to see what NFL teams waste picks on guys like Geno Smiff and Boyd next year.  All I know is that it won't be the Browns because they only waste picks on QBs every other year.  This is an off year so by rule Cleveland will be blowing early picks on WRs who will be cleaning truck stop bathrooms in 4 years.

The Tard

Maryland to the Big Ten - I get it.  You want East Coast viewers.  You want a super conference.  That's all fine and good but when you decide to expand the teams in a conference that is already declining and weak, you don't adopt the half retarded kid with respiratory problems and eczema from the adoption agency that's about a month away from losing it's Federal funding.  The Big Ten doesn't need any more Minnesota's/Indiana's/IlliNOISES.  The ones they have are already doing a marvelous job on their own of being the fucking 12 ton anchor that's sinking this ship.  I just can't believe that some shithead actually had the fucking balls to say, "I have a good idea...MARYLAND!"  and I'm even more befuddled that some dildo stood up next to him and said, "Yeah!  He's right!  MARYLAND!!"  As if the nation needed any more reason to laugh at the Big Ten.

The Tardest

This year's National Title game - Well, all of our darkest nightmares are coming true.  Notre Fucking Dame is going to play for the title.  And that means that guys like my brother, Mike Golic and all those faggot losers who say Notre Dame is their "second favorite team" (get fucked all the way to Hell on that bullshit) will be insufferable twat scabs for the next decade AT LEAST!  It doesn't even matter that the Irish will get anal fucked into oblivion by Alabama (most likely suitor).  And they will.  These fuck head fans will be more proud of just getting there than Ohio fans were after getting mud holed by Florida and LSU.  What a terrible time to be alive.  I'm certain the suicide rate increases this week based on this fact alone.

Kansas State and Oregon - My God, K-State!  At least Oregon was able to lose with some fucking dignity.  But both make it here for allowing Brian Kelly a chance to get an accidental NC.  I didn't happen to catch the end of the Oregon/Stanford game because I was too busy aiding a friend in losing his girlfriend with the only medicine I know to be 100% effective.  Truck loads of booze.  The best part about K-State losing is now everyone has to fake take back the fake Heisman that was already given to the fake best player in country, Collin Klein.  Everyone already should have known how much of a gutless turd this guy was based solely on his first name.  All Collin's are spineless gutter whores that fold under pressure.  See: Cowherd, Colin.  This also further strengthens my theory that the Heisman trophy is a fucking sham and should be eliminated as an award.

The Iceman Lock of the Week

Fuckin WHORES!  Another loss.  But on the bright side the asshole that wagered a grand on USC to win 9 games this year is one week closer to not winning and potentially hanging himself.  This part of the column really backfired on me but I refuse to bail now.  We ride this trashy whore until the bitter, disgusting end!  I don't even remember what my record is but does anyone really care?  I fuckin doubt it.  Here's another guaranteed loser, COMIN AT YA!

Playing inspired football this weekend after hearing the news of the least respected football program being poached from the ACC, look for Florida State to come out and win one for the Terps.  No one comes in and hijacks the worst program out of our conference, says the Noles!  This one stays close throughout with FSU winning on a last second FG.  Florida State 17 Florida 14.

Let the trash talking begin, my tiny dicked constituents.  I'm sure all the Michigan faithful here are certain that 2 wins in a row are a mortal lock while the Fuckeye knuckle draggers will spout off something that would be a lot more coherent if Urb's warty cock wasn't muffling every word that came out.  I really don't know what to make of this game.  Both teams have had their fair share of good games as well as total sulfur bombs.  Obviously I think it's going to be close and a much better game than the Fuckeyes think but one thing I know for an absolute certainty is that not a single person here should listen to one fucking word that comes out of Brady's mouth today.  It's for your own health and sanity.  GO BLUE!

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Worst Of Week Eleven Vol.VI

'98 Cats > '12 Cats...I'll drink to that
Being the total sheep that I am, commercials often sway my purchasing patterns.  Now I don't care for Guinness, but I admit that their new black lager has me intrigued.  Every time that those commercials are on, my interest is even more piqued.  It helps that the actor guy looks so damn familiar.  So I did some digging, and yup, that fella in those commercials is none other than Richard Harrow on Boardwalk Empire.  Terrific.  He is much cooler on that show than he is with that wiener voice and his allowance of a woman to steal his beer.  Plus, half face is always better than full face.  So whenever I can get my hands on a Black Lager, I will simply to put money in Richard Harrow's pockets.  He's earned it for putting up with all of Jillian's whore nonsense.  Onto the worst of the week which takes an extended detour through Findlay, OH:

NapCats - The dream is over.  "WE BELIEVE" has been replaced by "WE BLOW".  Bellevue owned us from the fucking start.  Their ELITE QB had 398 total yards (I'm not kidding--this kid was SO good).  The better team won (it ended 35-20).  I thought that our coaching staff was horrible and made virtually zero adjustments throughout the game.  It was pathetic.  My in-person playoff record is now 0-81.  I am still a member of the greatest team in Nap Football history though.  Big -Rex, Juan Negro, Beldodge, FagNasty, and myself went out and popped the champagne with Mercury Morris.

Not "the best football player of ALL-TIME" - Bellevue's starting center was #77.  He was terrific all game.  He also was their kicker.  He kicked straight on.  Are you listening to me?  The Redmen's kicker was a #77 OL who went straight ahead!  He was 5 for 5 on XPs!  I was openly cheering for him during the game much to the chagrin of people sitting near me probably but fuck them.  I don't know what this kid's name is but he is my favorite player and could/should be my son.  GOOD JOB, BOY!

Greg Jennings - GSaul rode up Norf with the wife and I and we got to talking about fantasy football OBVZ.  How annoying is it that Jennings is showing up in every other fucking commercial like he is some sort of superstar now when he hasn't played barely at all this season?  Who decided that Jennings was a good product spokesman?  FUCK GREG JENNINGS.

Matt Ryan - Atlanta needs to get their shit together because they are not winning anyone over with how they have been playing over the last month.  Yeah, they won, but if their QB is going to launch five picks, they are going to go winless in January again.  They barely beat Ryan Lindley AKA Ryan Lolzlol.  Not good.

Browns Discipline - FUCK!  These talent-rich losers should have won in Dallas yesterday but they blew it because they have no discipline.  I saw the stat that they had TEN penalties that gave the Cowboys first down.  Bunch of shit.  Pat Shurmur is ass.  And the Cowboys are terrible.  We're going to beat them on Thursday.

Fat Stafford - 22 incompletions...took 5 sacks...threw 2 picks and one got housed.  Not good.  Lions season = OVER.  The Texans will pound them on Thursday.

Mason Crosby - He has the name of a plantation owner and he likes to miss easy kicks.

Chiefs, Rams, and Panthers - These losers lose all the time.  No reason to dive any deeper.  Although Carolina's loss was chock full of DERP.  Josh Freeman sure is playing like a free man.

Nick Foles - Just by glancing at the box score, it looks like the Redskins PWNED the Eagles yesterday.  AND THEY DID.  RG3 was back to being TRANSCENDENT!  The defense played well.  Actually, it could have just been because Foles is so bad.  Seriously, he is SO bad.  Mr. Ace is already talking about tanking out the rest of the season.  I like that attitude.  I am rooting for the DREAM TEAM to finish 3-13.  Bring back McNabb!

Wade Phillips - Woof, how do you make Chad Henne look like Chad HENNELITE?  I bet on JAX yesterday at +14.5 because I figured that Houston would mail it in with the Thanksgiving road trip coming up.  I was right.  I just didn't expect them to get torched by the King of the Forehead Flab.

Carson Palmer - No one owns garbage time more than the guy who hates Cincinnati the most.  I like how when the Raiders lose, they get slaughtered.  There is no in between with them.  The Saints have battled back to .500 which is absolutely amazing.  What I'm trying to say here is clearly that Joe Vitt is the greatest coach of all time.

Andrew Luck - Ouch.  The goblin decided to defecate all over the memories of the Brady/Manning rivalry, I see.  I guess that this will be a week where everyone talks about how great RG3 is instead of Luck.  These stupid radio show segments seem to change every week.

The Chargers - I just can't watch this team.  They are so boring.  They do nothing well.  When SD is on RedZone, my mind immediately wanders.  To me, they are less interesting than Jacksonville.  I wish that I lived in San Diego (for many reasons) simply because they are always blacked out.

GAMBLING! - I made money this week but not as much as I thought.  I bet against the Redskins which was dumb because that meant that I wagered on Nick LOLS.  Oh well, the Skins had lost 8 straight games against rookie quarterbacks going into yesterday so it made some sense.  Yes, that stat is so pathetic.

FANTASY! - It appears that I will beat Lange to move to 10-1 and clinch "G$'s Bitches" division after just eleven weeks.  DOMINATE.  I'm going to lose to Buke in the G$FL because Matt Ryan is a fag and I start Donald Brown because I suck more than he does.  It's too close to call in the MSFL between FagNasty and myself.  He worse his football jersey to the game on Saturday so I should win by default.  I should win my other league as well as long as Bears Defense doesn't score thrice tonight (will likely happen).

That will do it for today.  FYI, we will be running darker than Ide's skin preference here on Thursday and Friday.  Tomorrow will be Iceman's usual college football wrap-up.  I ask him and all of you to hold off on the Ohio/Michigan smack talk until Wednesday where I will provide an early Gamblor post with all the "Big Game" bullshit that you can shovel on each other.  SO DON'T DO THAT TODAY OR TOMORROW.  Understood?   Probably not.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Straight Cash Homey

And bet against the Cleveland Browns.
Due to the awesome daily 30+ degree temperature fluctuations in Ohio recently, my body decided to shut down this week until this stupid fucking state figured itself out once and for all. Yes, I am one of those tools whose sinuses do not react well to this kind of weather. It is the only flaw that a nearly flawless man such as myself has. I beat the sinus infection but a deep cold seems to be gaining steam at the moment. What I’m trying to say here is that I’ve been in a pretty salty mood this week. The in-laws bunking with us (again…ugh) last night didn’t help. I’ve got two mini rants to go on before I get to the football picks.

Movember – What the fuck is this shit? I fail to see how growing a ‘stache for 30 days is going to help raise awareness for prostate and testicular cancer. The only thing that it does is makes you a sex predator for a month and who wouldn’t want that? The POINT of Movember is that you will grow a mustache in exchange for others donating money to the cause. I GUARANSHEED that 90% of the people doing this aren’t raising any money at all and are just doing it to be goofy or some other stupid thing. The only thing that these assholes are accomplishing is freaking out their moms at Thanksgiving when they show up looking like John Holmes.

Thanks – I thought that we Facebookers escaped the plight of annoying posts after Halloween kid pictures and political posts stopped. Nope, now we have dumb broads giving thanks to something in their lives every day this month. Somehow, this is even worse than politics. You’ll even find some idiots who are too lazy to do it everyday and then feel the need to stuff 8 days worth of things that they are thankful updates in a row. Women are terrible. The only things that you should be thankful for are offshore sports gambling sites and my picks because my brain is currently the Heisman favorite.

Florida State -31 @ Maryland – This is pretty self-explanatory if you’ve been reading this post the past few weeks and I’m going to keep riding it until it stops making me money. The Terps still start an 18 year old LB at QB.
UMass +11.5 vs. Buffalo – The Minutemen have one win (last week so they’re ON FIRE!). The Bulls have two. A 2 win team shouldn’t be a double digit favorite over anyone. Why would you give ANY points on a 2 win team let alone almost two touchdowns? Makes no sense. Take those points to the bank.
Purdue -6.5 @ Illinois – Illinois would be a bottom feeder in every non-BCS conference. And you don’t even have to give them a touchdown this week.
Ohio State +2.5 @ Wisconsin – Urban Meyer hates Fatty McGoo. Urban Meyer and staff have had two weeks to prepare for a team that is one dimensional on offense. I’m sure that the crowd will be a factor…but it won’t matter that much. I honestly can’t think of ANY reason to bet on the Badgers and lay points. This is a lock. And if I’m wrong, oh fucking well, at least that “AP Champs” lie can stop. Just know that I’m going HAM on the Fuckeyes.
Wake Forest +23.5 @ Notre Dame – I doubt that the Irish offense is even capable of scoring 24 points. They’re going to be looking ahead to USC anyway.
Vanderbilt -3.5 vs. Tennessee – Dut says that the Vols are ass and they have truly terrible fans that deserve every shitty thing that happens to them. That’s enough for me to take the Commodores in a home game that would mean a ton for them to win against their in-state big bro.

Tampa Bay -1 @ Carolina – It really comes down to riding the hot hand. The Bucs look unstoppable and the Panthers are shit. I have no idea why this game is basically a pick.
St. Louis -3.5 vs. NYJ – I’m going to treat the Jets like I treat Maryland. No matter who they are playing, I’m laying the points. This team is terrible and they keep offering up pussy anonymous quotes to the media that only provide a larger distraction.
Detroit +3.5 vs. Green Bay – I’m not THAT confident about this one but Clay Maffews is out I think the Lions can get a garbage touchdown at the end to draw within 3.
Cincinnati -3.5 @ Kansas City – The Bengals are a completely different team on the road than they are at home but the Chiefs are exactly the same everywhere…shitty.

My MAC Glory Hole of the Week (sorry about the defeat last week—I’m still hitting these at 67% though) is…Kent State +2.5 @ Bowling Green. This is going to be a really good game. I’ve watched both of these teams obliterate my RedHawks this year. They both have great defenses and running games. Darrell Hazell is better than Dave Clawson and Dri Archer (best player in the country that you’ve never heard of who will possibly/probably be a first team All-American KR this year) is a stud. I’ll take the points and hope that the MAC Championship game features duel 11-1 and ranked Kent State and Northern Illinois teams.

Before I go, let’s all wish our beloved NapCats good look as they take on those smelly injuns from Bellevue tomorrow night in Findlay. I will be in attendance and my playoff record for the Cats is something like 0-80 so we’re already off to a bad start. CAT JACKS!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Open Forum: This Post Is Available A La Mode

"I've run out of pie-related puns!"
As I mentioned on Monday, daily reader (and more and more infrequent commenter now that I think about it) Daniel had a great idea during the weekly DFL Chat on Sunday. He randomly mentioned how much he enjoyed pumpkin pie and begged me to write a post about pies since this is their time of year. God damn, he is almost TOO right. How had I not thought about this before? We have just entered pie season and now the topic must be discussed. Today, we take this blog a la mode.

First things first, pie is better than cake. This will not be debated any further. I say this for three reasons:
1. Pie crusts are delicious when done correctly (not burnt).
2. The goo that holds everything together is the best. If that stuff came out of a gay man’s wee-wee then I would be the biggest flamer in San Francisco. FACT. That goo is way better than the best frosting.
3. Fruit = health food. Yep, pie is good for you. It’s even better for you when you eat an entire pie. SCIENCE.

Let’s get some outliers of the way first before we address the actual pies themselves:
Oatmeal Cream Pies – A delicious snack but they do not really meet the qualifications here.
Shaving Cream Pies – LOL YOU A FUNNY FUCKER, NICK SWISHER.
Poontang Pie – We get it, The Rock--that was barely funny 12 years ago.
Cream Pies – Probably my least favorite way to end a porn scene. I mean, really, what is the point?

Bunk Pies:
Key Lime – I feel like this is only eaten by people like Uncle T and Shook’s Son. Not a manly dessert at all.
Pecan – Who thought it was a good idea to take the most disgusting nut and build an entire pie around it? It was probably that Petraeus guy.  TOPICAL!
Coconut Cream – Coconut is gross.
Lemon Meringue – I literally have no idea what meringue is but I know that this pie is an abomination.
Rhubarb – When I was something like 10 years old, I had a piece of this at my grandmas and I must have eaten it (under protest) then because every holiday for the next 20 years she made a rhubarb pie specifically for me. Have you ever had rhubarb? It is fucking TERRIBLE. I never touched that stuff again (no one did) but there it was every year. You know, it could have been the same one year after year now that I think about it. Since she passed away last year, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders because now no one in the world thinks that I like rhubarb pie.

ELITE Pies:
Banana Cream – I can’t eat bananas because I assume that everyone will think that I’m a homo and criticize my deep throat skills (which I assume are ELITE…no homo), but whip them into a pie and you’ve got my attention. It’s hard for bananas to be a star, but they are an excellent complimentary flavor.
Pumpkin – I’m not the biggest fan of this but you almost have to be a terrorist to deny yourself a slice next Thursday. Pumpkin pie goes great with a Lions loss.
Peanut Butter – If the world didn’t end when this beautiful bitch was invented, then it ain’t going to end ever. Fuck those Mayans. If they were so smart then why aren’t they around anymore?
Cherry – Highly underrated
Strawberry – In high school, I worked at Big Boy for 6 months or so. I could write an entire week’s worth of posts just on my battles with the handicapped woman who washed dishes there. She once tard-threw a butter knife at me because I would stomp on creamer cups so that her shoes would get cream all over them. It wasn’t my finest moment but it still makes me smile. HI DAWN! Where was I? Oh yes, I can’t recommend many things at Big Boy but I have nothing bad to say about the strawberry pie. That is incredible. And if you ate at the Nap Big Boy at all in 1998 or 1999, you probably have AIDS.
Pot – Not drugs, but pot pies are always the truth. They need to offer pot pies without green beans though. Green beans are shit.
Snickers – Here’s another quick Big Boy story: one day I steal a piece of this delicious concoction and head into the walk-in as a means to gorge without having to pay for it. I got two bites in before Black barged in and ruined by feeding. So I did what any normal person would do and chucked the remaining 2/3 of the slice into an open container of lettuce. The manager found it no more than ten minutes later and threatened to fire whoever did it on the spot. Black was laughing like a bastard the whole time while I was wiping peanuts and crumbs off of my face. They never found out who it was but they did throw away a whole shitload of lettuce because of that. Needless to say, Snickers Pie is worth getting fired over.
Apple – The King of Pies. There is none better. I will viciously murder anyone who disagrees. I would like to take a brief second here to address people who need to have a scoop of ice cream with their pie: stop being a lard ass. One dessert is fine.

That about covers everything that I needed to say today; at least I hope it does. As always, you add whatever you want to in the comments in hopes that by 4 pm today, we will all need insulin shots. We are a week away from the greatest eating day of the year so let’s all get into the holiday spirit and kill some Native Americans. Thanks again for the post idea, Dan; I hope that it met your expectations.

Also: Refrigerated pie is better than room temperature and/or warm pie. DEAL WITH IT.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Blogging Makes Strange Bedfellows

Big fan of Chris Jent, this guy is.
As we all know, the college hoops season tipped off this past weekend and it got off to an interesting start to say the least. Both games scheduled to be played outdoors on the east coast were canceled because the people planning those games are idiots. Those games are a great idea in theory but they aren’t very practical. It’s still goddamn November at night. Even if “wet floor” wasn’t an issue, have fun playing a game in 40 degree weather. I am mostly singling out the Marquette/Ohio State debacle here. What the liberal media is not telling you is that this is entirely Thad Matta’s fault. He refused to put his team on the court once he realized that the audience would be mostly American troops. He was under the impression that the only people in attendance would be his beloved Taliban warlords. Because Thad Matta is a terrorist. Makes sense to me.

Anyway, in lieu of me firing up a preview post today, I have enlisted the help of this blog’s greatest rivalry to help teach us some things about college basketball. I would have added some Ric Flair myself, but I was stuck at a stupid charity dinner last night and didn’t have time to add anything. So you get legendary commenting rivals, Seal and Drew, breaking down the upcoming season! Seal’s Wildcats are looking to defend their national title with an entirely new starting lineup while Drew’s Fuck Weasels are seeking another conference crown and yet another extended run in March. I asked Mr. Ace to weigh in on his expectations for Michigan but he must have been too busy shining up Zack Novak’s scrote. Mr. Ace is awful.

The format is a little screwed up as both of our contributors did different templates (which was my fault but I will not accept any of the blame). Seal is giving us a blurb on what to expect this year from the champs (and we need to know since that entire roster is new). Drew is breaking down his top ten. Everything else falls into place from there. Enjoy.

SEAL!
Kentucky - Calipari has another incredible class of freshmen this year – weird, right? This team has more raw talent by far than any other team in the nation. The question will be, can Calipari get them to play defense and play unselfish basketball. Last year’s championship team not only had incredible talent, but they had the chemistry and unselfishness – which this team needs to find. Nerlens Noel is NOT Anthony Davis on the offensive end, but can compare on the other end of the floor. Archie Goodwin can get to the hoop better than anyone in the country and Alex Poythress will be the 3rd guy (with the 1st two named) to go in the top 10 of next year’s draft. Their weakest position is transfer Ryan Harrow at PG. If Calipari can turn Harrow into another stud PG, this team has a chance to repeat. Prediction: Early season struggles, late success and a deep march run. Final 4 showing with 4 regular season losses.

OVERRATED – Duke. Good luck having a white guy named Plumlee carry you to the Final Four. Go away Coach K, just like your recent recruiting classes have. They are a no better than a 1 win team in March and the 4th best team in the ACC this year behind NC State, UNC, and Florida State.

Underrated – Mid Majors. This is going to be a great year if you like competitive hoops across all conferences. Not a ton of flashy names getting the hype like years past will lead to hearing more about mid major teams and seeing their success of last year’s tournament continue into this year. All of the one and done’s are giving the “teams” of players who stay together four years a better shot at winning in March. (See: UNLV, Lehigh, St Mary’s, Murray State, Creighton, and Cleveland State). Editor’s note: Ohio U is going to be terrific this year since they lost no one important from last year’s Sweet Sixteen team (HI MICHIGAN!).

Player you haven’t heard of (yet) – Archie Goodwin (UK). RAW TALENT. Best penetrating guard in college basketball. Can get a little sloppy at times, and needs work on the defensive end, but will be very exciting to watch.

Final Four – Kentucky, Indiana, Florida, Arizona
Champion – Florida over Indiana

DREW!

Drew's Top Ten...
10.) Michigan State - An underrated team in a loaded conference. Brandon Dawson who tore his ACL in the final regular season game against OSU last year sounds like he's already 100%. Plus, they boast super frosh Gary Harris from Indiana.
9.) Michigan - Overrated for now. Burke is back...and Hardaway will still probably be Hardaway. But, Glenn Robinson's sperm, Mitch McGary and Nik Stauskas are a great Frosh triumvirate. This team could go either way...but, not top 5 at the moment.
8.) Ohio State - Another Overrated for now. Nothing's for sure except Buckets and Craft. Will LaQuinton Ross, Lenzelle Smith, Sam Thompson and Amir Williams all step into their own? The talent is there...but, too many question marks to be top 5 right now.
7) UCLA - SHABAZZ MUHAMMAD. Will he be eligible for his one year in college ball? Probably. He and the other super frosh on UCLA will make for a very fun team this year. I do think Tony Parker will really struggle if they try to push the ball.
6.) Creighton - Yeah, that's right. Who wants to face these guys and their stud Doug McDermott? Not this guy. Their schedule is dog shit, too...they are going to finish the season with a ridiculous record. They didn't even attempt to schedule big non-conference games.

5.) Kansas - Because of Bill Self. That guy has that program rollin' right now.
4.) N.C. State - Love this team and hope they dangle their balls in the Michigan team's mouth during their B1G/ACC Challenge matchup. C.J. Leslie gonna be thumping that rape stick on bitches this year. Did I say I loved this team? I love this team.
3.) Kentucky - Yeah, you got retards like Nerlens Noel, but don't kid yourself Slow Seal....these Frosh aren't like last years. Kentucky plays in the dog shit SEC, which will boost their record...but, they will be getting bounced early from the Big Dance.
2.) Indiana - Tyler Zeller's (ed. I always knew that Drew was a closet Cavs fan! He likely means Cody Zeller but maybe not since he knows nothing about everything) probably the best player in the country and their home court advantage is so good that even Calipari is too scared to let Kentucky play road games there any more. Team is loaded. Crean Pie is still a huge faggot.
1.) Louisville - This team caught fire by the end of last year and they are going to be crazy good this year. They lead the country with three players on the Wooden list. Pitino's never going to have to pay for another abortion in Louisville after this year.

OVERRATED team - Duke. When a Plumlee is your best player, you aren't a top ten team. The only reason this team is top ten is because they have Duke on their jerseys.
Underrated Team - Creighton. Combine a strong mid-major team with one of the best players in the country and you've got a team that nobody wants to play.

Player you may not have heard of - Marcus Smart. He's a sick big combo guard for Okie State and will probably be a lottery pick next June. It sounds like he will even be running the point for them at 6'4”.

Final Four - Ohio State, N.C. State, Louisville, Indiana
Champion – Louisville

Thanks, fellas! I also expect Dut to chime in with his scouting report of Kennesaw State who he watched in person on Friday down in Knoxville. What is the opposite of being TOTES JELLY? As for me, I’ll take an Ohio State, NC State, Gonzaga, and Florida final four. Put me down for an NC State title. After all, they did just spoil the debut of John Cooper. We’ll be back tomorrow with another food post.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

College Football Week 11

      "In America's future I see me...and 3 more years of my annoying nickname."




One thing before we get started today.  I suggest that for the second annual RibFest that will be thrown in February (I'm assuming) the year of our Lord, 2013 we invite Brady but sit him at a different table and ignore him all night in the same fashion he ignored all of you MoneyShotters this past Saturday.  Justice must be served over a tasty plate of ribs.  Now all we have to do is rope Grumpy into a incredibly stupid bet again so he can front the bill two years in a row.  Let's move on...lotta shit to cover today.

The Good

My ability to ignore Brady's text messages – A good rule of thumb is ignore 99% of the things Brady says. Increase that number to 99.9999999999999% when it's a football Saturday and he's shined up on booze. Brady tried getting in my head from the start on Saturday but I'm much smarter than he is and just ignored his jeers in a boss-like manner. I suggest you all do the same moving forward.

Texas A&M – Not so much for beating Alabama, but more so for shutting the mouths of moronic fuck faces who honestly believe ROLL DAMN TIDE could have beaten an NFL team this year. Go drink my piss, piss out my piss, then re-drink the combination of part my piss, part your piss. And as Damman pointed out to me on Saturday, watching Nick Saban cry like a bitch on the sideline will always brighten the spirits.

Syracuse – This is strictly for proving to the seventeen Louisville fans out there that a Big East team should never be considered to play in the national title game. Now that we're all done laughing at you, you can go back to cheering for your borderline mid-major school in the Sears and Roebuck bowl played on December 24th. PS...get fucked.

The Tard

The crew officiating the Nebraska/Penn State game – Someone should be fired after that blown call at the goal line. For those who didn't see, in the waning minutes of the 4th quarter. Redhead McPennStateQuarterback drove the Nittany KidRapers down the field for the go ahead score. After the tip penetrated (ELITE SEXUAL REFERENCE!) the goal line, the tight end I'm too lazy to Google had the ball knocked away by a defender who I'm definitely not Googling. The ruling on the field was a touch back and after CLEAR evidence was shown that the ball crossed before the fumble, dickwad referee, still blinded by Pelini pole sauce, didn't reverse the call to the correct call thus locking Nebraska in for the win. Tragic loss because of one of the worst calls ever made.

Northwestern's defense – My only regret is that I wasn't able to be within taunting distance of Patricia Fitzgerald when his defense fucking handed Michigan the win on Saturday. Wow. Just fucking wow! They had that game won after that Gardner head scratching pick. Fully and completely. But hey...thanks for the gift.

My iPhone battery – I work in a metal cave. A metal cave that sucks the life out of me slowly and painfully. Imagine Hell...then imagine the place people who are so awful Hell wouldn't take them would go.  If that place had a mail room...that's how I would accurately describe where I work. So when I'm forced to work Saturdays, Michigan football on the radio is all I have to keep me from ending lives prematurely. But we have already established that I work in a metal cave so a standard radio is clearly out of the question. My only option is an Internet radio app I have on my phone that I plug into an iHome. It's a beautiful thing...until my battery dies right before Michigan's improbable comeback and I don't have a charger. It couldn't have happened more perfectly.


The Tardest

USC student manager – In case you haven't heard by now (There's no possible way you haven't) USC's student manager was fired last week for purposely deflating footballs for the Oregon game. First, we know that piss bag Lane Kiffin was behind this but would sell out his own mother before admitting the truth. Because that's what we expect out of a swollen twat like Kiffin. Second, ELITE decision making skills by the student manager not having the seeds to stand up to such a flaming dickbutt like Kiffin. Grow a spine next time...then locate your balls and tell Kiffin to eat his own pussy.

Jalen McClendon – TECHNICALLY he's not a college player...because he's still a Junior in high school. But this site is revolutionary and doesn't restrict itself or allow itself to be held back by minor details so we can bring you things like this fucking hilarious story. This cock waste McClendon doucher was kicked out of a state playoff game for taunting. After scoring a touchdown, he did the Cam Newton “I suck but still do this neato Superman thingy when I score in garbage time” touchdown celebration. In all actuality, he should have been kicked out for imitating a fucking idiotic celebration by a terrible, cry baby faggot. That's the real embarrassing part, I think. Can't wait to see this crotch stain at the next level!

Johnny Football – AWESOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!!! Another stupid fucking nickname for dick sniffing announcers to violently rape every week as if they're the only ones smart enough to use it. It's gonna be the fucking Honey Badger all over again but waaaaaaay more intolerable and overused since this kid's white, likable and doesn't have a sticky icky business on the side. Welcome to the Johnny Football era, everyone. Please leave your sanity at the door and don't forget to fist yourself on the way out.

The Iceman Lock of the Week

If the point of this segment is to pick the team that will lose then I am on fucking FIRE, my friends! Oh well, at least I'm not insisting you put money on these shitty picks like another blogger I know. Let's see if we can keep this losing streak intact and the money safely tucked away in your wallets.

Last Saturday before we got annihilated celebrating a Napoleon Wildcats victory, my brother told me he works with a guy who bet a cool grand that USC would win 9 games this year. Well, I don't want to see that happen because I love it when idiots lose large sums of money. So we'll put on the good 'ol Iceman reverse jinx on and pick USC in a blowout over UCLA. Bonerz Ball Deflaters 38, UCLA 10. LOCK IT UP!

There you go, shit suckers.  It's too bad Ohio was on a bye this week.  It just didn't feel right having a post and not being able to include something ruh-tarded one of you guys said.  There's always next week though!

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Worst of Week Ten Vol.VI

One of these kids does not belong...
I got to do one of the greatest things a fan can do on Saturday: walk out of the stadium in disgust at halftime.  What a great feeling...being so fed up with your crappy alma mater getting killed that you would rather start the two hour drive home than watch them play one more down.  I did manage to speak with the Grumpy's before leaving though.  Mrs. Grumpy seemed to not hate me nearly as much this time around and Grump got to meet She$ so there was that.  I think that they were jealous of us for walking out when we did.  While "contempt" was the main reason that we left very early, we also had to get back for GSaul's birthday party at Harrison's on 3rd (good bar).

It was a lovely time.  Christmas Ale's were imbibed and football was watched and a Napoleon victory was celebrated with aplomb.  The wife and I left around 11:30 and I passed out nicely.  I get up yesterday and check Facebook to find out that Brady was at Harrison's last night.  WHAT THE FUCK?  The bar wasn't that packed and you couldn't bother meeting us?  Between Dut's historically sexy groomed stubble, Damman's handicapped Peyton look, and my oozing machismo, you should have been able to figure that out.  When I called Brady out on his shittery, he replied with:

Were you really there? Thats fucking crazy because I saw someone that looked kind of like you but I had never met you in person so I didn't make a creepy approach.

Dude, we are internet BRAHS...everything is creepy.  Just do what a normal person would do: yell GMONEY and see if I respond.  That's on you!  SHAME ON YOU!  Then again, since I was technically at a birthday party, I should have known that you would show up since you have not missed a birthday party in over 8 years.  Count it.  I hate you.  You could have met Dut fresh off his journey into SEC country!  Brady sucks.  Never forget that.  Let's get on with the worst of the week where the Redskins and Browns didn't play.

Stephen A. Smith - I received a text from Ide on Saturday that he accidentally shoulder checked Screamin' A on the streets of NYC and he did not apologize to the loudmouth.  Good for you, Ide!

Elisha Manning - OK, buddy, I keep defending you and you continue to make me look like a jerk.  This is now 4 terrible games in a row for the more decorated of the Manning Bros.  His interceptions keep getting DERP-ier every week.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is: We Want David Carr!

The 2012 Miami Dolphins - Oof, they're playing like they acquired all of Chuck Pagano's leukemia last week.  How do you lose by 5 touchdowns at home to the Titans??? 

The 1972 Miami Dolphins - I still hate them.  What the fuck was Roddy White doing talking about how his Falcons have the pedigree to go undefeated?  How do you know this?  You played at UAB and then for the Falcons; what do you know know about going undefeated and what that feat requires?  Shut up, Hot Rod.

Fatty Fatty Fat Fat Stafford - The Lions are officially toast.  It's over.  I would really like to see Chins not constantly throw off his back foot.  That would be nice.

Donkey Kong Suh - Back-to-back champion at being named the dirtiest player in the league.  In a sport that features Cortland Finnegan, James Harrison, and Ryan Clark, that is quite an accomplishment.

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Even after his great "acting" on The League last week, Harvard Boy followed it up by doing what he does best: toying with the emotions of Bills fans and then chucking a horrible interception to lose a very winnable game.  The Bills are awful.

Commenter Dan - He had the dumb remark of the day in the DFL chat.  We all agreed that Fred Jackson sucks and they need to let Spiller be the man.  Dan then said that the RB over 30 was not really over 30 because he's only been in the league for a few years.  Age does not matter anymore apparently.  But he made up for it by suggesting another great food post (coming this week) so we're cool.

Philip Rivers - Did you see the pick six that Marmalard floated?  It will be nominated for LOL Play of the Year.

Muscle Hamster - Doug Martin hates his nickname.  Fuck him.  Now it will forever be his.  I only list him here because when he doesn't score 4 touchdowns, I am disappointed.  Tampa Bay = not bad.

Cam Newton - An awful pick six AND a terrible safety?  Yeah, he beat the Redskins last week.  I loved the blue socks that the Panthers wore though.

John HarBRAH - Is there a more BRAH thing to do than run a fake FG when your team is up by over 20 points in the second half against a horrid Raiders team?  Oh, he and Jimmy will be laughing about that one for awhile the next time they get together and punch each other in the nuts.

Bryan - YOU LOSE!  Whew, the Golden Bears scored with 16 seconds left and decided to go for two.  They failed miserably.  The Cats keep marching!  Napoleon vs. Bellevue Redmen on Saturday night at U of Findlay.  I'll be there.  CAT JACKS ON ME!

Rex Ryan - You so fired, big guy.  Don't worry, the Redskins will be replacing Jim Haslett with you in no time.  I hope that you like coaching really bad players!

Alex Smith's mind grapes - Good night, you Craig Kempton-looking sumbitch. 

Mike Vick's mind grapes - Good night to you, too, slightly more talented version of Marcus Vick.  Everyone was happy to see Vick finally get benched, but guess what, Nick Foles is worse.  The Eagles are fucking terrible.  They gave up THREE D/ST touchdowns to the least disciplined team in the league.  They couldn't even hang around long enough for Romo to DERP into another loss.  The Redskins are better than the Eagles.  FACT!

FANTASY - I killed Damman in the DFL to move to 9-1.  I didn't have a great weekend in the MSFL, but I probably should be able to hang on against Grumpy.  I killed Drew in the G$FL and it looks good in my other league.  4-0 is a real possibility.  I like these weeks.

GAMBLING - I won on the Broncos, Seahawks, Cowboys, and Bucs.  I lost the Giants.  PROFIT.

In conclusion, every time that you spend the evening in MY city, make sure that you do a thorough search of wherever you are to make sure that I (and other commenters) are not there.  It even sounds like Brady and Damman were literally standing right next to each other at one point debating if the guy next to him was an internet friend.  Jesus Christ, you pussies!  GROW A SACK!  You have been warned for the last time, Brady.  You were so close...yet so far away.