Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Olympic Facelift (Cutting the Fat, Cont.)

                            "There's chocolate on the inside of this, right?"




After thinking long and hard (about 8 minutes) about what to tackle today, I've decided to stick with the fat cutting theme from yesterday.  Except, my liposuction suggestions are how to improve the Olympic games.  First order of business is what we, as a country, need to do about our nation's theme music.  After a mildly heated Facebook debate between G$ and myself we have a few changes we are making effective as of today.  Our national anthem will no longer be The Star Spangled Banner.  We need something a little less pussy and more indicative of the flamboyant American culture.  Only because I didn't want to see G$ bawl like a 3rd grader, I have agreed to terms with him thus making our new national anthem "Real American" by Rick Derringer.  I had no idea G$ had such a special, gay place in his heart for the Hulkster.

Second, we're scrapping America the Beautiful.  This is an incredibly homo song that was probably written by a man who wears fake breasts and wigs for fun.  Again...we need something that represents us better.  So American the Beautiful will officially be exchanged with "America (Fuck Yeah)".  Now that we have that finalized, let's find out what we should keep and what we should ditch from the Olympics to make them more watchable.

Keep - Awkward interviews with losers.  Maybe I'm just a sick motherfucker, but nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than broadcasting someone's lowest life moment to the universe.  Just once, I want the conversation to go like this:
Reporter: You have just been eliminated from medal contention by a milli-point.  Four years of training for nothing.  Four years of your life...wasted.  How do you feel right now?
Athlete: Um.  Pretty fucking bad, actually.  Is there a therapist nearby I can talk to?
Reporter: Why?  So you can be crappy at something else?  Isn't one cosmic failure enough for one day's work?  Loser?
/athlete slits own throat while reporter throws it back to Bob Costas for something totally useless.
Because that's really essentially what they're doing, right?  Let me go rub in how much you suck just in case viewers have no idea just how devastating this is for you.  I don't care if you haven't had a chance to catch your breath.  The world must know every ounce of your grief!!  But hey...I love that shit so keep it up, guys.

Don't keep - Closeups of female gymnasts/swimmers.  God dammit.  Is there anything on this planet more unattractive than what they're passing off as bodies?  Fuckin gross, man.  The lady swimmers look like they could punch through a car door or discus a 50" flatscreen 300 yards.  The gymnasts are just as bad.  Have fun looking like a 10 year old boy for the rest of your life.  If your goal outside of Olympic gold was never having intercourse with a man, then keep doing what you're doing.  I guess there's always breast implants to replace the dude pecs you've been sculpting since kindergarten.  I just don't know what you plan on doing about your Mr. Universe lower torso.  Are you going to power squat the first guy you fuck as a post sex victory dance?  Perhaps.  The reality is there's just no useful real world application for those massive tree trunks after you retire at age 22.

Keep - Taping events and reporting the winners before the taped event is aired.  I'm sure you've all heard the whiny bitches complaining about the results of the 400IM gold medal race being reported before the taping of the event aired on television.  If not, tune into Mike and Mike for twelve seconds.  I'm sure Greenberg is still being a cunt about it.  Any opportunity to piss of nerds like that should be capitalized upon ALWAYS.  Get a fucking life, losers.  Who gives a shit?  It's fucking swimming!  SWIMMING!!  Before Michael Phelps and his ELITE bong hits smoked out America, none of you cock suckers gave a fuck about any of these events.  So stop pretending like you're totally invested a mere 4 years later.

Don't keep - Having the games in countries where the weather sucks.  Seriously.  London??  Good choice, jagoffs.  Having been to London twice before in the "spring" and "summer", I can tell you that neither season exists.  The only seasons they have are "depressingly depressing" and "depressingly shitty".  It's the Summer Olympics, shit heads.  Have the games in places that actually know what summer is so beach volleyball isn't played indoors or with long sleeves.  Pointless.

Keep - Grills.  I tip my hat to Ryan Lochte for his 'Murrrrica grill and how he told Olympic officials to get fucked by wearing it on the medal stand anyway.  Isn't this what we're all about as a country?  Being douchey and flamboyant while making ourselves look totally ridiculous and classless?  Embrace that shit because that's what all of the other countries think of us anyway.  Do your thing, man.

Don't keep - The opening ceremony.  I'm not sure if anyone caught the opening ceremony but holy fucking Christ tits was it weird and completely pointless.  It didn't help that Danny Boyle put the whole thing together.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Trainspotting and 28 Days Later supporter.  But when you combine a "special" brain like Boyle's with an Olympic ceremony you get a whirlwind of confusing bullshit that looks like Cirque Du Soleil on the worst acid trip ever recorded.  They just need to get rid of that whole thing already.  The only people who like it are drug addicts and old people.  And we don't need to cater to either since both demographics will be dying very soon.  Besides, I'm pretty sure in the very first Olympics they probably publicly raped and killed a prostitute to start the games off.  We should get back to traditions like these in the future.

Keep -Showing Men's volleyball.  I stand firm on this.  I actually enjoy this Olympic event.  "Fag, Pussy, Bitch, Queer, blah blah blah".  Fuck off.  It's sweet.  I don't know why, but it's ultra hilarious to me watching a 6'9" American fuckin turbo blast a nuclear spike into the chest plate of a Serbian who looks like Dut after skipping showers for a week.  Watching that guy stand up while searching for a handle on the moment is always LOLZ for me.

Don't keep - Women's basketball.  My brother sent me a text a couple days ago that read, "I just watched the first minute and a half of women basketball.  Zero points, five turnovers and six bricks.  How is this a pro sport?  Better...why is this on TV?"  Of course my natural response was, "Do you need me to call the police to have them arrest the person holding that gun to your head?  I can't think of any other scenario where you would be watching women's basketball."  But seriously...who the fuck willingly watches women's basketball besides lesbians and virgins?  What's the move here?  Do I do everything I can to get him legally excommunicated from my family lineage?  Do I change his name in my phone to Pussy McBitchtits?  I'm open to all suggestions.

We haven't talked Olympics yet so I figured, why the fuck not?  It's better than another NBA post, right Brady?  The only other option was discussing the recent tardness of college football players.  But we have a long week ahead of us and that will just end in Brady finding ways to defend Ohio players for being complete fart eating fuck tards.  And no one wants that shit.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Cutting The Fat From The Big Four Sports

Pictured: Rex Ryan's weight loss procedure
At some point last week, someone (for whatever reason) asked White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf about contraction.  It really doesn't make sense why anyone would ask this guy about that but it happened so whatever.  Reinsdorf said that he is in full support of eliminating a few teams from baseball.  I can see why he would think that as it would improve the overall play in every sport, but I'm against the idea.  As I cliche-d last week, the world needs ditch diggers, too.  But for the sake of a blog post (and I'm stealing this topic from The Common Man and Torg), let's say that I am allowed to eliminate two teams from each of the big four sports.  Who am I evicting and sending to the Jury House?

Before I start cutting the fat, I have to consider a few things (and on field performance is not one of them):
*Did they just build a new stadium?
*Do the fans show up?
*Are they in the process of building a new stadium (new stadiums provide security)?
*Did it ever make sense to put a team there?
*And finally, why the fuck would they ever put a team there?

We'll start first with the NHL because if I end with them, you'll just gloss through it.  By the way, even though they should be involved in any discussion like this, I am not destroying the Blue Jackets.  Consider it a pity fuck.  Plus, based on the asterisks above, there are a few teams more deserving of the ax.
1. NY Islanders - I'm told that the Nassau Coliseum is a giant piece of shit and there is no reason why Long Island has a pro sports team.
2. Phoenix - It never made any sense to put a hockey team in the desert.  Sure, they made the Western Conference Finals last year, but no one ever goes to those games and they never will.  I've been trying to think about what would be considered Phoenix's TEAM.  It's got to be either the Suns or the Cardinals, right?  A little help here, Buke, would be appreciated.  Anyway, say goodbye to the Coyotes.

Next up is the NBA and out of all the big dog sports, this one could use a few less teams to help spread out the already paper thin talent pool a bit more.  Time to get my boning knife out.
1. Sacramento - The Maloofs have no business being owners of a franchise and it's time to relieve them of their duties.  Don't worry about Jimmer, he shouldn't be employed anyway.
2. Charlotte - Pretty much the same reason as above.  Michael Jordan would probably sell this team in a heartbeat if he could.  I never understood why the NBA was so determined to put a team back in North Carolina when it failed miserably the first time.  Same thing with New Orleans but at least they have some players now that will hopefully draw.

Let's help out Reinsdorf next and get baseball down to 28 teams.  How ironic would it be if I shut down the White Sox?  I mean, they probably don't draw well and their stadium isn't all that great; that would be some delicious irony.  But I'll be nice and pick on Prime's downtrodden area some more.
1. Oakland - Yes, they are having a great season this year and continue to defy the odds, but that doesn't cover up all the bullshit in that organization.  Why can't they even get that dump 40% full?  And why aren't they building a new place?  If no one goes and no one wants to give you a new building, then no one will miss you.
2. Tampa Bay - Selfishly, I just want to see the MAD .500 GENIUS Joe Maddon unemployed but it's basically for the same reasons as Oakland.  Their stadium should be aborted and no one cares enough to support them other than Dick Vitale.  Can you imagine how great the contraction "draft" would be if MLB eliminated these two talent-rich franchises?

Finally, we get to football.  Now if I could choose the two teams for contraction just based on spite, I would pick the Broncos and the Jets.  I am so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of hearing about these teams.  Guess what, ESPN?  Neither one is going to make the playoffs this year so there is no need to send 4 anchors, 3 analysts, and 12 reporters to each camp site.  It is overkill and NOBODY cares about either of these two franchises.  I'm sure that you all are growing bored with my constant RG3 love, but his first training camp is much more newsworthy than Denver and the other team in NJ.  ESPN sucks.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, trying to justify why I'm not cutting the Bills and Jaguars which are the easy answers.
1. St. Louis - Terrible stadium and moribund fanbase (not to mention very little talent) is a perfect recipe for contraction.  As far as local attention, the Rams aren't even close to the Cardinals and the Blues when it comes to affection.  Trust me, no one is going to miss the Rams if they are gone except for Dick Vermeil and he cries about everything so fuck him.
2. Cincinnati - Look, Mike Brown is never going to sell this team because it is his only source of income so the only way to stop him is to force him to let go.  The fans aren't going anymore and they clearly hate the Brown family.  They have decided that they aren't giving that man any more of their money and it makes perfect sense.  I am eliminating the Bengals FOR Bengals fans!  You deserve better than that asshole!

Obviously, now it is your turn.  I've cut my fat off; it's time for you to do the same.  Who are you getting rid of?  And don't just be rubes and pick the Tigers, Cowboys, Heat, and your boyfriend's catcher's mitt.  Don't be lazy.  That's my job.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Poaching Season

                           "This is approximately how wide my vagina is."




Greetings from Knoxville, Tennessee.  At least that's where I was physically when I wrote this.  Mentally I was in a special kind of hell with the reality of seven more hours left in a van with my family setting in like a sledge hammy to the tender sack.  Seven more hours of eating my brother's nuclear fucking beer farts.  Seven more hours of my mom trying to hop into fantasy football discussions in order to give her ELITE observation of Aaron Rodgers being "good".  Not sure if you all knew that but there's some classified info for you.  Seven more hours of dying slowly.  But more importantly, Knoxville is where I realized it'll be 3am when I get home and there was no fucking way I was writing anything useful at that time on the heals of a 16 hour van ride.

First... Family vacations suck hairy hillbilly tit.  Don't get me wrong, the P's picking up the tab on almost everything is marvelous but the sanity that you must sacrifice in order for this to happen almost makes it not worth the hassle.  From my mom casually bringing up how attractive all of my ex GFs were in front of my current GF to the 50 piss stops on the ride home since everyone is on a different bladder schedule...let's just say it's good to be home.  Now, onto the post.

I logged onto ESPN this evening and read that Bret Bielema doesn't plan on recruiting current Penn St players that are eligible for transfer. What. A. Pussy.  I was really bothered by this when I read it and I'm trying to figure out why.  So I'll just keep typing and hope I can figure it out along the way.

Recruiting is dirty.  Always has been and will continue to be until the end of time.  It's a smear campaign against all other schools in order to convince a player to pick you over anyone else.  They say shit like..."Urban Meyer fucks himself with whole dill pickles while he masturbates.  You don't want to play for a guy like that, do you?".  "Kirk Ferentz still watches his mother change into her bathing suit through a glory hole he made when he was 9.  Is that someone you can trust your next four years of football to?".  "Mark Dantonio sobbed uncontrollably into his wife's old saggy tits during the majority of Marley and Me. What a bitch, right?".  At least that's what I envision goes on.  No one holds back when it comes to recruiting and there is no honor among thieves.  Eat or be eaten, right?  Pick whatever cliche you like but the fact is if you want to win you do anything you can, within the rules, to get the people that help you do that.  If you don't, you're looking for a new job.

So what am I trying to say here?  I guess the reason I'm so pissed about Bielema (among others) taking the "high road" is because Penn State didn't do that when they recruited these kids. In fact, they flat out lied to everyone in order to wrongly gain their trust and commitment.  They didn't honor some "code" Bielema was gushing about when ESPN inteviewed him.  The reality is they hid a child sex scandal for years to give the illusion they were a place you could safely and respectfully get a good education while playing football.  In my opinion, Penn State doesn't deserve the luxury Bielema is allowing them.  So why in the fuck would you, as a coach, give PSU the respect they never gave you in the beginning when the recruiting was going on?  Why would you cite a "Big Ten coaching brotherhood" when one really doesn't exist?  Or at least one Penn State never adhered to. Personally, I would go after every kid at PSU that I wanted to play for me.  Because these are most likely players I wanted but chose Penn State over me because of lies.  Not only lies...but known lies that were being wrongfully covered up.  You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you right back.  And if that means I hit you at your lowest point then so be it.  Like I stated before, recruiting is dirty...and It didn't seem to bother you when you were straight lying to the players and their families in order to gain their trust.  So it doesn't bother me to serve a hot plate of fucking justice by taking back what should have never been yours to begin with.  So my call is poach and poach often in this situation.  You reap what you sow, motherfuckers.

Well, that's all I've got, queers.  It ain't much...but it's something.  Vacation tapped me the fuck out and writing on an IPad can blow me.  So...does that make sense to anyone but me?  What would you do?  Feeding frenzy or wash pussies with Bielema?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Much Like Ernest, G$ Goes To Camp

To round out my week of blog postings (and I was struggling with a topic), I figured that I would discuss my weekend trip to the in-laws’ cottage up in Michigan. Now, you all know by now that I am not the outdoors-man type and that I am, at best, awkward around kids. I prefer silence and couch time over sun, heat, and stupid questions. If you have the time today, I recommend going back and reading this post from 2009 where I delve into the topic of “uncledom” and what type of uncle that I aspire to be. I am still honing my uncle persona and trying to entrench myself into “Laid back Uncle” status as this is a never-ending struggle for me. Both of my brothers-in-law did not make the trip last weekend so it was just G$ vs. 4 nieces and 2 nephews. The battle was on and the odds were against me.

The best part about kids that aren’t yours is that they get much more tolerable every year. The constant whining of the past is slowly being replaced by a more dependent and less tearful group that is starting to have interests that actually interest you. I know very little about softball but it’s a much better conversation than Hannah Montana and American Girl dolls. But kids are still kids and that makes it inevitable that they will ask you countless inane questions in which your answer is never satisfactory and leads to a million follow up questions. Take for example:

Youngest Nephew: Uncle G$, do you want to go fishing with me?
G$’s inner monologue: Do I want to what? Do I look like a guy that likes to fish? I’m not going to do that ever.
Uncle G$: No thanks, I’m just going to sit here and finish my fourth beer.
I'm a huge fan of being brutally honest with children.  Yes, I would rather drink than spend time with you.

Oldest Nephew: Uncle G$, will you take us out on the jet-ski?
G$’s inner monologue: Are you insane? I suck at driving those things. I fear for my life on those deathmobiles; you don’t want your life resting in my unsteady hands.
Uncle G$: Uh, no, I’m not certified in this state (AWESOME excuse by the way).

Oldest Niece: Why are you wearing knee high baseball socks?
G$’s inner monologue: Fuck you! Don’t you judge me! I’m not trying to win any fashion awards. There are mosquitoes EVERYWHERE and the last two years up here they have eaten the shit out of my feet and left me to deal with 2 weeks of the most painful, itchy athlete’s foot imaginable. I’m not putting up with that shit again.
Uncle G$: Don’t worry about it.

Youngest Niece: Uncle G$, will you help me come look for my birthday present?
(She is 4 and thus afraid of the dark and made the motion at me to hold her hand)
G$’s inner monologue: OH GOD THE FBI IS WATCHING THIS AND THEY ARE GOING TO ARREST ME FOR BEING A PEDOPHILE! THIS IS ENTRAPMENT! I SWEAR THAT THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON HERE, AGENTS HIDING IN THE WOODS! SHE’S JUST AFRAID OF THE DARK!
G$: Uh yeah, sure.
By the way, the youngest niece is HUGE fan of Uncle G$ for whatever reason which is actually quite adorable (uhhh no pedo).

I didn’t get locked up for being an inbred sex predator (gross) so that was nice although later that night I was once again accused of being a creep. Two years ago at Christmas, my then 3 year old niece was doing what kids do and stripped naked in the living room in front of everyone while my nephew screamed “DON’T LOOK, UNCLE G$” as loud as he could. It was humiliating and terrifying. Saturday, my other 4 year old niece did the same thing but personally walked over to me (completely nude for no apparent reason at all), got right in my grill, and yelled over and over again, “YOU CAN’T LOOK!!!”. I don’t know what it is about me but these damn nieces and nephews think that I’m constantly trying to score with them on family outings. By the way, my reply was “I’M NOT! I SWEAR TO GOD I’M NOT! YOU CAME OVER TO ME. PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!” I’ve made it quite clear that my biggest fear in life is being accused of being pedophile. THIS IS WHY. I don't know if I have some naked kid tractor beam, but they always seem to be flocking to me.  It is not fun. Oh sure, everyone else was laughing about it, but not Uncle G$. Uncle G$ just wants to go a year without his family members branding him as a kid diddler.

But it wasn’t all bad. Actually, it was a pretty enjoyable day. Chucking the dog off the dock and into the lake and watching him paddle back to shore will never stop being hilarious. I didn’t see any snakes. My socks tactic worked perfectly. We found out that the in-laws just bought another 11 acres up there and, in their words, “added to your inheritance” which is exactly what my dad says when he wins a football bet. The weather cooperated. Other than the poor attempt at grilling spare ribs, it was a nice weekend. FYI, don’t grill ribs. They are meant to be cooked “low and slow”; not char-grilled for 15 minutes and served. I still ate them, mind you, but I felt cheated.  And I felt like that pig died in vain. 

In conclusion, I really think that I’m coming into my own as an uncle now. I don’t feel uncomfortable anymore. I don’t let them walk all over me. Hell, my oldest nephew (somewhere between the age of 10-12, I don’t know) is currently into collecting baseball cards and is about to start his first year of organized tackle football. He’s about to get a whole shitload of unasked for advice from me. If he starts asking questions about pro wrestling, I will lose my shit. 

Three years ago, my goal was just to be an above average uncle. That might be setting the bar too low now that I reassess my skills. I have a feeling I’m on my way to being “Cool Uncle”. Well, as long as I stop staring at 4 year old butts apparently. One day I may even take a page out of Dut’s uncle-ing handbook and take the boys to Hooters. Maybe then they will realize that Uncle G$ likes the 20 year old tit-tays.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Return Of Fantasy Football Friday On Wednesday!!!

Yes, it's that time of year again finally
To kick off the first installment of Fantasy Football Friday, we’re going to focus on keepers. Specifically, we’re going to talk about MY keepers. I am well aware that keepers aren’t used in every league (not the DFL, MSFL, or G$FL) but it should help everyone get into the right mind frame now that your first draft is likely less than a month away. Actually, you know what; before I get into the meat of today’s post, let me give you some advice:

DON’T BUY FANTASY FOOTBALL MAGAZINES. I can’t stress this enough. All of that information is outdated by the time it hits the shelves of supermarkets and gas stations and is just a waste of money. Be a normal person and print off a rankings list from the internet. If you know anything about football, you just need a list of names in front of you anyway. You shouldn’t need to plunk down $7 to find out that ESPN rates Chris Johnson ahead of Tim Hightower. So there, I just saved you some money. Feel free to pay it forward the next time that you see me.

Back to keeper leagues though; I play in the illustrious and historic (Henry County based) GFL. The league has been in existence since—wait for it—1991! This is my 7th year in and I’m coming off a Super Bowl championship (thank you David Akers) with ideas of repeating. Since those last few sentences wouldn’t make any sense without this being true, the GFL is a keeper league. You can keep two players from the prior year. You can only keep a guy for one year. He costs the same as he did the year before ($200 salary cap auction league). You can’t keep two guys from the same position (not two RBS or WR/TEs). So you have to pick between keeping a QB, a RB, or a WR/TE (well, two of those three options).

When it comes to keepers, I’m usually of the mind that I like to hold onto cheap labor. For instance, someone like Santana Moss for $2 is more attractive to me than LarryFitz at $45. I like to have as much money available on Draft Day as possible because being involved in every auction is better than having salary cap issues before the first name is even brought up. Anyway, coming off of my title, my early keeper options were Antonio Brown for a buck and Maurice Jones-Drew for $40. Since MoJo appears to be on his way to a holdout, this isn’t looking like a very realistic option at the moment (and even so, I could probably get him for around the same price anyway). So I was stuck…until Monday afternoon.

One of the guys in the league is keeping Fat Stafford and wanted to double down with Megatron (who I rode to glory last year). Tron was never a keeper option for me because he was $57 and he is not 57 times better than Antonio Brown. So I humored him and asked what he was going to offer in return. He gave me a list that started off with dull names like Andy Dalton and Roy Helu Jr, but the last two names gave me a bone: AJ Green and Jimmy Graham. I asked what their price tag was. Three bucks each. Whoa, now we’re talking. I got greedy (sensing his burning lust for Tron) and asked if I could have them both even though I can only keep one. We settled on a trade where I gave up Colt McCoy, Dez Bryant, and Calvin Johnson for Andy Dalton ($1), AJ Green ($3), and Jimmy Graham ($3). That’s a hell of a haul considering that I wasn’t even considering Calvin as a holdover but now comes the hard part…

Who the fuck do I keep? I have to choose between Green and Graham for one spot. These guys are about the most equal fantasy value players that I can think of. Is Dalton for a buck worth my other keeper simply for a cheap back-up? How awesome is it to be able to keep double digit touchdown machines for 1.5% of your budget. I AM ELITE AT FANTASY FOOTBALL, PEOPLE, WHY AREN’T YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS!!!

Obviously, I can still turn around and flip one of these guys. Looking at the other rosters, I’ll probably make a run at Cam “Ace Boogie” Newton for $2 but I am quite certain that he’s staying put (as he should). Another intriguing name is Ryan Mathews who is getting a ton of love this off-season and carries a $14 price tag (even if you don’t buy him , he is definitely worth fourteen imaginary bones—even you can admit that). Looking at the rest of that guy’s team, he doesn’t have much to keep so maybe a Dalton/Green combo can get me Mathews/Graham for a total of $17. It’s worth a shot. Anyway, if I made you choose today, who are you keeping: AJ or Jimmy?

Feel free to ask any fantasy questions in the comments and I will consult my own brilliance to give you top notch answers. You wanted the best? YOU GOT THE BEST. Goddamn I love this time of year. Nothing beats lying in bed wide awake thinking about fantasy football scenarios.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Wheelin' and Dealin' and Leyland

Here it is, fellas, our very own Drew impressing the holy hell out of Tigers manager, Jim Leyland, on Friday evening.  This might be the best picture ever taken.  A fan boy who is clearly very proud of himself and a dirty old man just trying to work through the crowd so he can put down a few dozen heaters in the parking lot.  Well done, Drew, although you should have BRAH'ed it up with a popped collar or a finger mustache or the dreaded "duck face" that whores do in pictures.

Anyway, I promised a caption contest in which the winner will receive nothing and I'll start things off:  Drew asked Jim if he wanted to go out for BBQ today and this photo was taken the second that Jim realized that Drew was taking him to Burger King for some sweet potato fries.

That reminds me; what a dumb ad campaign by Burger King.  I get why they are doing a BBQ overhaul to their menu during this time of year but no one in the history of the world wants to eat BBQ at BK.  Fuck you, Burger King.  We got through the Leyland portion of the day, now it's time to get to the wheelin' and dealin'.

Ichiro is a Yankee?  I wish that they were trading for the Ichiro of five years ago but they aren't and it's a pretty low risk move.  Who knows, maybe he will be rejuvenated now that he's actually playing for something.  Even if he continues to go downhill at the plate, I'd still rather have him in the OF than Ibanez and Andruw Jones.  Good trade.  John Kruk is a fucking idiot for not seeing how this fits.

Anibal and Omar are Tigers?  While we all hate the Tigers (and that might be an understatement), you've got to respect them for going all in this year.  They just shipped their #1 pitching prospect off to the most underachieving team in the league for a #4 starter and anyone better than Ryan Raburn.  They are definitely better today than they were yesterday.  I'm not sure if this makes them any better come playoff time, but still, I tip my cap to a team that knows what it wants.

Dumpster is a Brave?  Good pickup for the MUDawgs and the Braves should be a lock for a playoff spot now.  The Cubs fire sale is officially on but I don't care.  The only reason that I brought this up is because the Kerry Wood Discount Double Check commercial is ELITE.  Pulling Andre Dawson out of the ivy and him asking "what year is it" is MAJOR LOLZ.

Nash is a Ranger?  Unfortunately, Howson waited to long to unload the face of the franchise and ended up having to settle on an average package back.  He needed to go and they got some decent players back for him.  If you're going to be the worst franchise in the league, there is no reason to have a 7 million dollar player on the roster.  The rebuild is on now.  Nash is gone.  It's Jack Johnson's team and locker room now.  I'm over it.

Bynum a Cavalier?  I really wish that this would just get done already.  I hope like hell that a signed extension isn't holding this up.  It makes no sense for either Howard or Bynum to sign an extension now when they can make an extra 40 million dollars over 5 years if they wait until the end of this coming season.  Don't get greedy.  Bring them in and make them want to stay.  If they don't then that is your fault.  I am quite confident that if Bynum comes to Cleveland and plays a year with Kyrie (who, by all accounts, is the next breakout superstar in the league) and becomes the focus of the offense, he will re-sign with the Cavs.  You just have to take a leap of faith and not worry about getting burned.

It didn't really fit in with today's post about dealings but how about that choke job by Adam Scott!  That was tremendous.  I was listening to it on the radio because I hate my life yet I loved it.  Fuck Scott.  Fuck Steve Williams; that fucking ungrateful prick.  He deserves the worst.  On the other hand, how great his Big Bro been so far?  We've already had an ejection for head-butting another house guest!

Anyway, Fantasy Football Friday is starting this week sometime (although it won't be on Friday since that is an Iceman day this week).  Be on the look out for our first dosage of fantasy football tips.  And don't forget to insult Drew.

Monday, July 23, 2012

From The Desk Of: The Emporer of College Football

In case you forgot, G$ was on the road this weekend and thus was unable to write his customary extraordinary blog posts for this morning. He called me up though and asked if I would like to fill in today. How could I pass that up? I mean, very important men such as me only associate themselves with very important websites.

None of you have met me before (but you’ve all paid me LOL!), but my name is Jim Delany. I am the current commissioner and King of the Big Ten conference. I have my own team of publicists and strategists that are constantly leaking information to the press at just the right time. This allows me and the conference (but most importantly ME) to always be cast in a positive light and seen as an innovator. It’s hard to argue that I am anything short of a genius though. What’s that? You want me to list my impeccable achievements? I thought that you would never ask.

*the FIRST to start a TV network for a conference which is proving to be a never-ending cash cow
*the FIRST to expand membership in hopes of creating 4 huge super-conferences
*the MOST IMPORTANT person to rubber stamp the new playoff format

Don’t let anyone fool you; I was the key to getting that 4 team playoff done. It wasn’t the SEC or any of that garbage, it was ME! Anyway, from my Chicago office on the millionth floor of the Jim Delany Skyscraper, my team let word leak that I was considering the opportunity to grant myself dictatorial powers over the entire Big Ten. I would be permitted to fire coaches if they embarrass the conference by failing to be LEGENDS and/or LEADERS among men. The school chancellors don’t appear to be too keen on this plan but they are all a bunch of greedy sheep that will fall in line behind me. All that I have to do is throw them a few extra thousand bucks that I shit out every morning. They know who butters their bread. You don’t piss off Big Daddy. What daddy wants, he gets. I’m not going to let some handjob school president lessen my power. HELL NAH, SON!

But back to my power of canning the terrible, what a great publicity move this was for me! It literally serves zero purpose at all and is just blatant grandstanding yet people are eating this shit up! However, if I am able to carry this plan through and become college football’s resident Fidel Castro, I will wield my power swiftly and accurately. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is safe from Big Jim’s Employment Guillotine. In fact, since I’m here, how about I just go ahead and put all of the Big Ten football coaches on blast?

Kirk Ferentz – One more player arrested for dealing hard drugs, you’re out
Bo Pelini – One more time wearing your hat like a fucking idiot, you’re out
Tim Beckham – Hey new guy, no more fucking visors
Pat Fitzgerald – Stop looking like an ax murderer
Jerry Kill – One more seizure, you’re out
Danny Hope – Handlebar up that mustache or you’re out
Kevin Wilson – Win more than 3 FBS games a year and you’re out…don’t fuck with me on this, you saw what I did to Hoeppner when he tried to turn IU into a decent program (ed. Note – OUCH NOT COOL); the world needs ditch diggers, too
Urban Meyer – Any more pussy panic attacks or whatever that shit was and you’re out; you are only here for credibility and perceived excellence so quit being a gash
Bret Bielema – Recruit like a man or you’re out
Mark Dantonio – Smile and you’re fired
Brady Hoke – Diet and you’re fired (keep trolling everyone too)
Bill O’Brien – Oh God, you took THIS job? Are you insane? I’m sorry, you have my condolences. Your job is safe as long as you keep your dick out of kids.

And now you all know that I mean business. I ALWAYS MEAN BUSINESS.

In regards to Penn State, don’t expect me to drop any hammer. This whole situation is a disaster for them but it’s been GOLD for me! The more that people bitch about those rapists, the more eyes turn to my sweet as fuck network. Hell, I’m still running those “COME TO PENN STAAAAAATE” commercials just to piss people off. LOLZ! Some idiots want me to kick them out of the league. Fuck that noise in the butt! When they start putting the pieces back together and rebuild, I’ll be the first huge-balled network there covering one of the biggest stories in football history…the Nittany Lion Revival. See, nobody is smarter than Jim Delany.

Whatever the NCAA decides to do to them this morning, I ain't scurred.  There's no such thing as bad publicity in my opinion.  I've already petitioned dumbasses like Franco Harris and Juror #3 to get a statue of ME to replace that dead pedophilia supporter.  I am the best.

Well, there you go, that is about all that I wanted to cover today. Just know that by the time that you finished reading this, I made three million dollars. But that’s the Big Ten Conference for you. We will forever be LEGENDS and LEADERS in life. G$ asked that I end the post today with word that he will be carrying tomorrow’s post in lieu of Iceman who is down in Jacksonville getting an early start to his tailgate for Michigan’s upcoming Gator Bowl appearance in a few months. HEY-OH! G$ on a Tuesday? What a treat!  In conclusion, I'm Jim Delany and you're not.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Open Forum: Vintage Chubs!

If your head is comprised entirely out of meat and steroid residue, you might recall that big UFC pay-per-view a few weeks ago. I was mildly intrigued just because of the amount of ridiculous smack between that Sonnen fella and the Spider guy. I had planned on going out drinking with the BRAHS that night anyway and we ended up meeting at The Loose Goose which just so happened to be broadcasting this PPV on every TV in the joint (which was fucking annoying but the place was packed with assholes so they clearly knew what they were doing). MMA isn’t really my thing, but I was told that this event was supposed to a good one so whatever. 99.7 The Blitz was out there doing a live remote to promote the fights and the definite drug dealer that does their morning show so they were giving away prizes. Guess who was the first name drawn out, bitch? THIS GUY! I haven’t checked yet, but I’d guess that my picture is on the station’s website with the aforementioned heroin addict DJ and other people.

I love free shit more than just about anybody so I was pretty pumped. My choice of prize was a UFC t-shirt or a gift card to something called DAMAGED at the mall near my office. I chose the gift card because the shirt was fucking stupid. After some quick internet phone research, it was easy to see that this clothing store features nothing but TAPOUT gear. I have no idea how much the card is worth, but I’m going to use it to buy the most ridiculously absurd and tacky thing that I can find in there (that might take awhile). For the first part of today’s post, does anyone have any suggestions for what sort of horrible meathead clothing item I should purchase? Personally, I think it would be hilarious to watch myself trying to interact with society while sporting a TAPOUT v-neck.

Anyway, one of the guys that was there with us decided to bring up the topic of masturbation (completely unprovoked by the way—Damman and The Swine can confirm). He (we’ll call him Tequila) brought up a pretty good topic though: what was the last movie not Rated R or higher that you jerked it to? Good God, I’ve been thinking about this for two weeks now and I still have no clue. I honestly can’t recall. Is Mean Girls rated less than R? Because if it is then my answer is DEFINITELY Mean Girls. I thought that it may have been Return of the Jedi but there is no way that I could confirm that suspicion either way. So that is part two of today’s post…answer THAT question if you dare. It’s harder than you think.

Finally, with the Olympics coming up next weekend and my love of throbbing bologna ponies shining brightly today, let’s get to the open forum portion of the post: RETRO BONERS! When you are a young rapscallion, pretty much anything can get the blood flowing down south. If you watched a lot of sports back in the day, the Olympics were a perfect fit for your dong’s combo love of sports and sexiness. I distinctly remember three (at the time) young ladies that I was pretty much in love with twenty years ago. Time to publicize these crushes so that they can prepare their restraining orders…

Gabriela Sabatini – So exotic. She knew how to hold onto a racket. She appears to have aged well; might have to put her back in the bank. Also sexy foreign tennis player = Steffi Graf. I hope that she’s not related to a certain someone…

Shannon Miller – Now that I sift through some old pics of the gymnast, I’m not sure what was so appealing about her. But then I remember that you should never try to deconstruct the thoughts of the teenage penis. It wants what it wants. At least it didn’t like Kerri Strug.

Summer Sanders – I used to subscribe to Sports Illustrated for Kids. I can’t imagine a more pointless magazine/anything. I wish that I still had some of these so I could go back and read the hard-hitting journalism that permeated through every page. However, I remember that they used to feature Summer Sanders in every issue. Summer has held up well over time, too. I love you, Summer.

You’ve got three ELITE topics to contribute to today. Go get it, son! I’ll already answer for Grumpy regarding his youth crush: Mary Todd Lincoln. ZING! I’m heading up to Michigan tomorrow for some lake “fun” with the in-laws. It always results in four million mosquito bites and sleeping in a 100 degree room. This is not one of my favorite weekends of the year. Peace, BRAH!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'm a Blogger! I'm 31!

I'm getting this jersey as a Christmas present for everyone I know.
One of the main differences between college and professional sports is that, in the pro game, the superstars are the players. It makes sense what with endorsements and millions of dollars and all that jazz. By contrast, in college, most of the time the face of your program is the coach. That also makes sense when you consider the constant cycling of players in and out—the one thing that remains the same is the head coach. Yeah, I’m not breaking any news here. I am aware of that.

But with the college football season kicking off a little more than six weeks from today and there being currently zero news about the sport, I figured that I could drum up some sort of topic to get everyone talking (besides the scrappiness of Nick Saban’s daughter, of course). So let’s talk about these all-powerful assholes today. Who do we like? Who do we hate? Will Frank Beamer’s fake neck envelop his entire face? To keep things short and sweet, I put together a ranking of my 5 favorite head coaches in college football and my 5 least favorite. Pretty simple and should get the Bucktards and Wolverphiles at each other’s throats while us superior MACthletes(?) dominate all.

Before I get to the lists, I just want to mention how much I am enjoying Arizona RichRod thus far. His “turd flushing” opening press conference does not get nearly enough credit that it deserves for being ELITE. I just wonder how he is going to hold up in the desert while wearing those big fat suits that he trademarked at WVU and UM. GO RICH!

YAY!
Considered – Chip Kelly, Dana Holgerson, Dan Mullen, Paul Johnson (triple option, n-word!)
5. Steve Spurrier – I don’t care that he ruined the Redskins when he says things like this, “it’s harder to win the SEC than it is the national championship…just ask Nick Saban”. Tremendous work, OBC.
4. Mike Gundy - A classic interview meltdown to go with an insanely enjoyable offense is good enough for me.
3. Brady “The Hokester” Hoke – Say what you want about him, but he has made the OSU/UM rivalry an actual thing to pay attention to again. His comically high voice and body fat only add to his greatness.
2. Chris Peterson – I absolutely love this guy. He has turned a small school into a power. He will play anyone. His Broncos are consistently a good team to bet on, too.
1. Mike Leach – The Pirate is the best. He is probably the best offensive mind in the country and he hates Craig James a lot. Mike Leach rules.

BOO!
Considered – Bret Bielema, Kirk Ferentz, Derek “Dork” Dooley, Frank Solich
5. Butch Jones – The Cincinnati coach is a fucking cocksucker. He is a terrible coach that somehow keeps lucking into better jobs…probably because he has no problem taking #1’s sloppy seconds (which he has done twice now so expect him to be Notre Dame's next coach, too).
4. Les Miles – I just think that this moron is the luckiest coach of all time. One of these days his bone-headed game management style is going to bite him hard.
3. Charlie Weis – I would like for MIT or Harvard or some other place with really smart people to do a research project on how this guy keeps getting work. He is terrible. His offenses are always brutal. And he’s a lard ass to boot. If he tried to recruit me, I would just look at him the whole time and think that he just wanted to eat me.
2. Urban Meyer – I didn’t like him even when he was beating the Buckeyes. Faking a health scare to avoid quitting at Florida was pretty low. And he’s a well-known asshole to everyone not involved with his program.
1. Brian Kelly – This was no contest. Kelly killed a guy and got away with it. Then there was the rape/suicide that never really was punished. When you add in the visors and constant temper tantrums, Brian Kelly truly is the biggest shithead in college football.

There. That should give us some fuel for the rest of the day. Just a note to those that this applies to, COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK is right around the corner again. It will “air” 8/27-8/31. The same experts that usually participate will all be asked back again. “Questionnaires” will be sent out soon enough to give you time. Unless something crazy happens today, tomorrow we’re going to talk about erections. Yep, prepare yourself for that.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

It's Been A Busy Week In The NFL

Yeah, YOU are the victim.
Before I get into today’s NFL news round-up, it is customary for me to tell a story that isn’t relevant to the rest of the post at all. So my umpiring season came to an end this past weekend. Jesus titty-fucking Christ was it a miserable couple of months to be out in the heat and being surrounded by stupid teenagers. But I persevered because I am a fucking MAN. The summer on the diamond concluded with a massive tournament spread throughout the city at something like 40+ schools. It was fucking YUGE. On Friday, I got to work games played by teams from Canada. That accent will never stop being amusing. One of their pitchers threw about 40% screwballs which was interesting. Sure, he’s going to blow out his arm soon but it was pretty cool to finally see someone throw one of those fairly well.

My final game of the year featured the eventual champion of the U-16 tournament, the New Jersey Athletics (with sick replica Oakland A’s unis). They were glorious. Everyone had an Italian last name featuring at least 12 letters. Their skin was comically tanned. Their coach sounded like Mad Dog Russo. It was a great team to end the season with. Surprisingly, none of those kids wore gaudy jewelry or had visible tattoos. Anyway, my eleventh year of officiating (damn) has commenced and I’m ready to piss all of the money that I saved up from it on football-related activities. Which brings us to today’s post—a collective grab bag of recent NFL headlines.

*Drew Brees done got paid, yo! – I will never understand why the hell this took so long to complete. Why would you try and play hardball with arguably the best offensive player in the league, face/mole of the franchise, and Super Bowl MVP QB who is still in his prime? That never made any sense. So, much like EXACTLY what I predicted would happen, the Saints and Brees agreed to a 5 year/100 million dollar deal. Is there any irony about the Saints not wanting to give Brees an extra million per year (rumored to have been the sticking point) but then agreed to pay him FORTY million this year? Hilarious. Ray Rice and Matt Forte signed OK deals as well while Welker and Bowe got hosed. Whatever.

*Dez Bryant loves his mama – Maybe the Dolphins GM wasn’t completely out of line for calling Bryant’s mom a whore before the draft? Dez is on his way to being a nice huge bust due to uneven play and a love of the back of cop cars. His mom called the cops on him because he pushed her down the other day. This is just a tremendous example of being a great son. Leave the law-breaking to the pros, Dez, like BEAST MODE who just racked up another arrest this week for DUI. Marshawn Lynch is getting more mature as he ages. At least this time he didn’t run over any pedestrians. Let this be a lesson that there are way more thugs in football than in basketball (in numbers and percentage).

*GRONK can not be controlled – Even though he has spent this offseason not wearing any shirts and being naked for ESPN and singing karaoke seemingly all the time, I love me some GRONK. The guy is a DFL champion; he should be allowed to celebrate. The Patriots have asked him to tone it down though because apparently they’re just going to ignore Bob Kraft’s embarrassing audition tape from last week. By the way, for a guy who apparently loved the shit out of his wife, he sure did move on to some actress/model gash fairly quickly. Let Gronk be Gronk. LET HIM LIVE! Gronk would be a perfect friend or foe of the HarBRAHS…just sayin’!

*Mike Vick writes a book with words in it – Vick is releasing an autobiography soon called “Finally Free” in which he claims that he spent more time studying dogs than he did his playbook. This should not surprise anyone. He also says that he wrote it because he was bored. Boy, this sounds like a real page turner. I can’t imagine that any white person would buy this book ever. Exactly who is Vick’s target audience here? If I know my stereotypes (and I do), the people that he is pandering to can’t even read anyway. They’ll just have to wait for the audio book to be released and hope that it’s in the car stereo that they steal. Whew, that was quite the racism there! Don’t you judge me; my stereo was stolen out of my car by Afroman before. The thief took my Shaq Diesel CD. Not cool BRO.

*Jay Cutler sucks – It wasn’t the worst 7th Inning Stretch in Cubs history, but it was probably in the top ten. Ozzy will never be defeated.

*Santonio Holmes is a very smart man – He doesn’t think that a two quarterback system will work for the Jets. Thanks for the update, pothead. Do you know what else won’t work for the Jets? Giving Holmes a 5 year/50 million dollar contract last summer! I freely admit that I was wrong about Santonio. Dude is one talented cancer that is not worth the headaches that he causes. Hell of an impregnator though!

*Cliff Avril is an idiot – You aren’t good enough to hold out, jerk, take your 10.6 million and shut the fuck up already. No one respects a man named Cliff anyway. Although, I will say that every time I see the back of this guy’s jersey I think of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. That is always a good thing. Respect the Hart Foundation, son!

Wow, it’s been a pretty busy week in pro football. It would be nice if the Redskins would actually sign fucking RGIII already. I don’t know what the fuck is taking so long. He’s probably too busy fucking all of your wives and girlfriends and moms and sisters because ROBERT GRIFFIN THE THIRD IS ALL HETERO, BABY!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Dream Team? More Like Cream Team! Amiright?

              "Soooo, you guys lied about team flat tops then.  I see that now."



Before I get started, there's something I want to get off my chest.  I've been known to watch an obscene amount of TV from time to time and there's something that's really starting to bother me on a completely irrational level.  Commercials.  Now, commercials are fucking stupid as fuck to begin with and for the most part.  But there are some commercials that just put me in the fuckin red every time they come on.  The most recent is a Taco Bell commercial debuting the Cantina Bowl something or other.  They should call it the liquid shit bowl because A) it looks like filthy diarrhea and B) consuming this pile of hog slop earns you a 60 minute time out on the John.  Oh!  And I love how they have some professional cook/whore faced cunt preparing this Verlander special on TV all while trying to make the public believe it's some high class form of fast food.  Fuck you.  Here's the reality.  It'll make your man tits balloon to a hefty B-cup, it's actually prepared by a high school drop out father of 3 and it's made with ingredients found at the bottom of the dumpster that are also soaked in raccoon piss.  Stop trying to church up your food Taco Bell!  We know it's fuckin garbage and that's why we only eat it when we're hammered!  It's because we don't give a fuck what we do to our bodies after a certain state of intoxication.  It's why Damman is always waking up next to a girl who could play left guard for the Buckeyes.  Moving on.

Michael Jordan is a fucking asshole.  Listen...I'm not gonna get all Colon T. Cowturd on you here and say that the 2012 Olympic team is better than the 1992 Dream Team.  But I'm actually going to side with Kobe on this one and say the statement that he made isn't wrong.  This year's team could beat the '92 squad.  Why is that such a hilarious and ridiculous concept?  I've been listening to people completely over react to this for the past two or three days and I'm curious to what you all think.  My personal opinion is that it's closer than Jordan's "no comparison" statement suggests.  Here's why:

One of the arguments being thrown out is what would the '12 team do about the '92 bigs?  My answer would be: Ummmm, fucking guard them??  There were two 7 footers on the `92 team and there's one on this year's squad.  Ewing and Robinson were no bigger than Chandler right now.  He could easily guard either.  If the `92 team puts both Ewing and Robinson on the floor, throw Kevin Love out there who's big enough to bang with a 7 footer and who is also a 3 point shooter.  Now you just turned shit in your favor since neither Robinson or Ewing can guard a big who can also play the perimeter.  Boom.  Problem solved.

Maybe Jordan is too busy smoking cigars he's pleasured his own butthole with, but has he so quickly forgotten how fucking terrible the international teams were in 1992?  Who was the best Euro player back then?  Drazen Petrovic?  He couldn't even succeed at staying alive past his twenties.  Like he's going to be a threat to anyone on the court.  There's a reason the `92 team caved in everyone's taint.  Because there was no fucking competition.  The international talent today is monumentally better than in 1992 and that's why USA isn't doubling teams up anymore.

The Dream Team had 4 white guys.  That right there should tell you something.  Don't get me wrong...white power and all that KKK stuff that Ide loves, but those creamy milkers would not be able to keep up with the buckets of athleticism on this year's team.  Unless they planned on playing "old white guy at the rec" defense.  Those of you who play pick up ball know exactly what I mean.  For those of you who don't, it's real simple.  OWGATR defense is when you're being guarded by an older white fella who thinks he still has it but clearly doesn't.  After the realization hits that he can't keep up, he simply tries to level the playing field by grabbing your t-shirt/shorts as you blow by him.  Or, he will set a moving screen while hooking your arm.  It's cheating like a motherfucker and it's totally fucking gay.  I usually respond by lowering a shoulder and plowing right through that fucker's chest plate.  But I'm getting away from myself.  The quickness and athleticism on the 2012 team is insane.  And they were smart enough to only have one white dude.

Stuff the Hall of Fame nonsense up your big brown turd hole, Jordan.  You mean to tell me that this 2012 team won't have just as many HOF guys as the '92 team?  That comment was almost as tardo as following Brady on Twitter........almost.  Shit, even Andre Iguofiftyshots has a chance to accidentally be inducted if he keeps hoisting shot attempts at a pace that would make Vince Carter blush.  Go back to shit you;re good at...fathering terrible basketball players, growing Hitler staches and banging Mexican cleaning ladies...or whoever it was that you got caught raw dogging while married.  I really want to believe it really was a Mexican cleaning lady so that's what I'm sticking with.

Let me just say again.  By no means do I think this year's team is better than the '92 team.  But I do think it's close.  A lot closer than dick chuggers like Mike Greenburg do.  And I can't say this enough...Michael Jordan is a fucking fuck face.  I love the fact that his ego won't let him to see how terrible of an owner he is.  My only wish is that he ends up hated by everyone and bankrupt.  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Judge and Jury Have Spoken; Now Comes The Executioner

Worst HJ ever???
Before I get into today's post which has to do with (surprise!) Penn State, a quick story.  So Friday night the wife drops her car off at the dealer for an oil change because she is the only person in the world that believes that the dealership's over-charging means that they are better.  They say that they can get it done in an hour so I volunteer to wait.  Since it's 8 pm on a Friday, I'm in the waiting room by myself.  The TV is turned to Fox News, the remote does not work, and the channel buttons on the TV don't work, so I am stuck listening to people scream at each other regarding topics that I don't care about.  I don't know what happened next but an hour later the service tech tapped me on the shoulder to tell me that the car was ready.  I had decided to make the waiting room an extension of my home by laying on the couch and falling asleep.  I'm sure that the service manager was impressed by my performance.  It was an ELITE nap.  I recommend it (especially the laying down part).  Car dealerships are pretty horrible places but at the right time they can make for an incredible sleep experience.  I just wanted to brag about that for whatever reason.

So what happens now at Penn State?  After the Sandusky verdict and the Freeh Report, it's pretty safe to say that State College is rotten to the core and has been for a long time.  Is there anything more pathetic than someone trying to argue that Joe Paterno should not be judged solely on this disgusting cover-up?  Those people are seriously terrible.  Oh, you don't want Joe's precious goddamn statue torn down?  That's cute.  You're right, though, before and after every football game until the end of time, all fans should be reminded about fucking kids in the ass.  Yep, everyone needs to be constantly aware of those sexy mental images.  Just rip the fucking statue down already.  Take the Paterno name off of everything on campus.  Hell, someone give Bobby Bowden a job again just so he can get that wins record off of Paterno's resume.  Until Penn State and their fans COMPLETELY disengage from JoePa's bullshit, then they will never disassociate from the guy that enabled a predator for well over a decade and HELPED PUT YOU IN THE POSITION THAT YOU'RE IN TODAY.  Who gives a fuck how many libraries he built?  Those were built with blood money.

I think that the evidence is overwhelming that Penn State is the definition of 'lack of institutional control'.  Everyone at the top of the school's food chain put a fucking football team over the well being of innocent children.  So what do we do with the football program?  Can the NCAA do anything?  Should the NCAA do anything?  Is the Death Penalty a viable option?  Why punish those that had nothing to do with the heinous crimes committed years ago?  Would the school punish itself beyond the hundreds of millions of dollars that it will pay out in civil suits?  Now that the awful details are hopefully over, the penalties that are coming are very interesting.

I've always been on the side of not punishing the present for the sins of the past.  I always felt that what the NCAA did to USC was absurd.  Rob Bolden may be a god awful QB but he had nothing to do with any of this garbage so why should he take the fall for what a dead guy and other criminals did?  But why would anyone care about kids that bought into the Paterno bullshit anyway?

Well, hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself here.  Let's just assume that the NCAA has the stones to come and levy a punishment on Penn State even though it is dicey at best that they would even have jurisdiction to do so here.  But for the sake of the post today, let's say that Mark Emmert wants to wield his power.  Stephen A. Smiff was on Sportscenter this weekend screaming about how Penn State needs to shut down the football program for five years.  My first reaction to that was something along the line of "this guy is cray cray".  After thinking about it for awhile though, I don't think that that is too much to ask.

Penn State obviously has a ton of ill will toward itself right now (and it is well deserved).  Fixing the reputation and righting all of their wrongs needs to be the #1 priority in State College.  Having a distraction in the form of a football program that is a constant reminder of what happened is not going to help. 

Five years may be too much, but I think that I would be pleased if they shut the doors on Beaver Stadium for the next two years.  This is not a football story.  It's a disgusting social injustice story that involves a football team.  Football is not what is important here.  Yes, the players and coaches will be victims here so you just let them transfer without having to sit out a year.  There, that problem is solved.  If they can play at Penn State, then they can play almost anywhere.

Like I said earlier, I don't really know who can do what here and I'm not sure that anyone really wants to step up before they have to.  In theory, I would like to see the school be proactive and stop the football team for a little bit just to get their priorities straight.  So that is G$'s call: shut it down for two years.  Those that piss and moan about it are people whose opinions don't matter anyway.  SMU paid players to play for them.  That is small potatoes compared to fostering a culture of child rape, isn't it?

Before I go, is it a dick move to call out Sue Paterno?  You know good goddamn well that her hell-bound husband told her about Sandusky and she didn't do shit about it either.  Wouldn't you think that SuePa knew about that stuff all along, too?  My guess is that the idiot Paterno boys didn't know, but Sue had to.

In conclusion, put Sue Paterno on trial and send her to prison.  She is just as guilty as her maggoty husband.  I hope that Penn State goes bankrupt from all of these lawsuits.  They deserve it.  But for now, I'll settle on the football team going away for awhile.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Open Forum: The Money Shot Gives Back

Stop it.  You're awful.
This week, ESPN is doing their annual charity drive to help the V Foundation for cancer research. It is a very noble cause (that Ide likely hates) and they raise a ton of money every year. It doesn’t make for interesting sports talk radio at all, but if this helps cure cancer one day then who am I to complain. As my mom once told me over dinner, “knowing the history of our family, you will probably get cancer one day, too.” THANKS MOM! What an awesome dinner topic that was: Hey son, YOU GONNA DIE!!! So I’m all for the memory of Jim Valvano extending my terrific life for an extra few years before I move on to my next project of kicking God’s ass non-stop.

Where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember. ESPN offers up all sorts of different packages for auction that allows people way richer than me a chance to have an experience of a lifetime. I’m pretty sure that this is how Dut got to meet Carl Edwards. Or maybe he just answered a want ad in the back of “Cock Fancy” magazine. Anyway, I think that I was able to find the least desirable charity auction package of all time.

Live the "Suite Life" with Hill and Schlereth! The winner and a guest receive suite tickets to the New York Jets game on Sunday, December 2, 2012 at MetLife Stadium against the Arizona Cardinals. Mike Hill and Mark Schlereth will host the winners at the game. Winners will also receive pre-game sideline passes to visit the field with Mike and Mark before the game. Food and beverage is included as well as parking.
There are many LOL parts in that last paragraph:
*Suite Life? Oh you and your puns can get fucked.
*There is nothing sweet about putting up with Mike “Egg Man” Hill’s forced blackness or Stink “yo yo yo-ing” you for four hours in a room with only one exit.
*A Jets game in December! Paradise!
*They’re playing the Cardinals! WHAT A MATCHUP! These two arch rivals only get together every four years!
*Wow, I can go on the field and watch Sanchez, Kolb, Skelton, and Tenor play a game of “We All Blow”!
*Current bidding is well over TEN FUCKING GRAND for this. I don’t care how much you hate cancer, spending 5 figures and only getting an Ebonics lesson, crappy stadium food, watered-down draft beer, and free parking to watch two non-playoff teams is a joke.

This is the worst thing that I’ve ever seen. And guess who is going to top it? That’s right, I am offering up this blog’s services and MAN power to give the V Foundation OUR charity package. Collectively, I think that we can all come up with something to donate to a good cause. I’ll go first:

The Money Shot “Fantasy” (I can pun, too) starts off with G$ voluntarily drafting your fantasy football team this year. I will show up wherever you want me to; whenever the draft starts and I will do my usual ELITE drafting for YOU. I will bring empty Hot & Ready boxes from the DFL Draft to present the illusion that I am feeding you which I am not. I will bring a case of cheap beer with me that the winner and I must finish before the end of the draft. Clothing is optional other than my RGIII jersey which is mandatory. If you have any non-white people in your league, I am allowed to say anything to them without repercussions. Actually, change that, everything that I say is YOUR fault. I am allowed one dump (flush at my own discretion) but may desire to negotiate more. You will have at least one Redskin (no more than 3 because that is just mean) on your roster at all times. I will blackout. Fleshlight appearance not included, but porn please.

I would like you all to offer up your own service to our “Fantasy” package for this great cause. Maybe you don’t want to give up your own time. That’s fine, give up somebody else’s. Either way, we WILL bring in more money than Mike fucking Hill and Mr. Green Chiles. I demand it. It’s time that we give back.

To end the week, I want to again quote Emmitt Smith attempting to quote the late Jimmy V: Don’t quit. Don’t even quit.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

If Ron Jaworski Can Do It Then So Can I

I make bombs in the woods and masturbate constantly.
It’s like this every damn year but it always seems to sneak up on me anyway. The week of the MLB All Star Game is the most boring week of the summer. There are literally zero events going on which makes it hard to blog. If I actually watched much of ESPN, I’d bet that it is filled with pointless drivel (even more than usual--and since I see that the ESPYs were last night, my suspicions have been confirmed). That probably helps explain why Ron Jaworski is ranking quarterbacks during Sportscenter which has to be the easiest thing ever and requires almost no thought whatsoever.  By the way, Jaws says that Joe Flacco has the strongest arm in the league.  Now I see why he got removed from the Monday Night booth.

But it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to share my expertise on all things NFL so I figured that I would give it a shot, too. Jaws took care of the laser rocket arms. I’m going to rank the top ten running backs and wide receivers today. Now this is not an exact science and there is no real grading system for this; I’m not looking at fantasy production or who I would want to start a team with or anything like that. It just comes down to who I think is better or worse than other players at that position. It is pretty simple and straightforward. Obviously, feel free to disagree with me if you must. Running backs go first because receivers are a bunch of prima donna cocksuckers.

10. Jamaal Charles – I hope his knee is 100% so he can go back to being the most electrifying player in the league
9. Darren McFadden – Quit being a pussy, it is not the Raider way.
8. Marshawn Lynch – I don’t think that last year was a fluke and Skittles are fucking delicious
7. Chris Johnson – I hope that last year was an aberration and not a sign of things to come
6. Adrian Peterson – A torn ACL is still a torn ACL; let’s see how he comes back before putting him back near the top
5. Matt Forte – The most disrespected player in the league?
4. Maurice Jones-Drew – Probably my favorite non-Skin in the NFL; he does everything for a horrible team.
3. LeSean McCoy
2. Ray Rice – Ray Ray and Shady are interchangeable but, you know, fuck Mr. Ace
1. Arian Foster – His greatness trolls Iceman. His veganism trolls Ide. I love this guy.

Intermission Fun Fact! Did you know that the Redskins have had an RGIII all along? Apparently, there are three generations of Rex Grossmans out there crushing pussy from coast to coast! Rex Grossman III!!!! Two RGIII’s = Super Bowl. Time for the receivers…

Also considered – Mike Wallace, Vincent Jackson, Victor Cruz-Saul, Hakeem Nicks, DeSean Jackson, LEONARD HANKERSON
10. AJ Green – About two years away from being a top 3 receiver
9. Reggie Wayne – He’s getting older but I still consider him to be ELITE.
8. Greg Jennings – Too many drops
7. Dwayne Bowe – Most underrated pass catcher in the league?
6. Wes Welker – Definitely a product of the Pats system but the high production is tough to ignore
5. Brandon Marshall – He may be criminally insane but the dude is sick nasty
4. Andre Johnson – Try making it through a full season, pussy
3. Roddy White – Owned by Dut last year; have to hold that against him
2. Calvin Johnson
1. Larry Fitzgerald – 1 and 2 could go either way but I give the nod to Fitz because he has the best hands of all time

Thoughts? Just remember that fantasy production was not taken into account here before you flame me. That being said, I have not forgotten about Fantasy Football Fridays which will be starting up soon. Speaking of Fantasy, I started up the G$FL site the other night and invites have been sent. This is year TEN of that league by the way and that is pretty amazing. Damman and I were talking about possible draft dates and have agreed that Sunday September 2nd is probably the best option. It’s Labor Day weekend and the day after Miami’s win over Ohio State so people should be around (weddings should not be a problem). Let me know if this works for you G$FLers out there.

And Happy Big Brother Day!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Expert Baseball Analysis From A Baseball Expert

I would totally watch Bo nail Jennie Finch.
The All Star Game was last night. I'm just going to assume that it was uneventful. After seeing the Kansas City faithful treat the ELITE Robinson Cano like garbage on Monday night, I hope that they all got beaten into comas by a roving pack of Dodgers fans on the way to their cars. Sonsabitches. Listen, you meaningless and dickless pig fuckers, I am 31 years old and you have NEVER been relevant to me.  Billy Butler is a shitty player that deserves nothing.  I hope that Kansas City gets nuked.

Anyway, in response to Iceman's big FUCK YOU to Brady yesterday, I'm about to turn the tide with "Brady Day" here and talk nothing but baseball. In fact, I've even lined up an interview with an expert to help break down the second half! You may be familiar with his work because he is me. GMoney interviewing G$! THIS TIME IT COUNTS!

GMoney: Be honest, on a scale of Verlander (1) to Bartolo Colon (a million), how pumped are you for tonight's season premiere on Showtime of "The Franchise: A Season With The Miami Marlins"?
G$: A Million Bartolos. This is a brilliant series that even made a pretty boring team like the Giants exciting when they did it last year. Now that I can follow Ozzie Guillen through a horrible season featuring nightly awful Heath Bell appearances, Fidel Castro fallout, and ten million F-bombs, sign me the fuck up.

GMoney: You buying the Pirates?
G$: I did last year and they broke my Goddamn heart. So, as a punishment, I am not buying the Buccos. It is a hell of a story but you can only count on AJ Burnett and Eric Bedard and Jason fucking Grilli for so long until they shit all over themselves. Still though, for Pittsburgh to be ten games over and in first place at the break is tremendous.

GMoney: Tony LaRussa is a fucking idiot, right?
G$: He's been out of the game for less than a year yet he lost all common sense during that time frame. Look, I'm not one of those chaches that goes over the all-star rosters with a fine-toothed comb looking for nits to pick, but you can't fucking tell me that there are ten better pitchers in all of MLB than Johnny "Chimpo" Cueto. I won't believe it. For fuck's sake, give your grudge a rest. And why the fuck are their TWO goddamn Cubs in that game! That's ONE less than what the Yankees (owner of the best record in baseball) sent. And don't give me that shit about Cain starting because his catcher is, too. You start fucking RA Dickey, you cunt. Posey is a big boy. He can handle some pitch movement. Tony LaRussa should stick with what he knows best--driving drunk.

GMoney: How would you handle the issue of Stephen Strasburg and his innings limit?
G$: This is, without question, the toughest organizational decision that I can remember in ANY sport. It seems easy to say, "fuck it, we're going for it" but then why have any plan for the franchise? I honestly think that if it were my call, I stick with the limit and pull the plug on Strasmas in September. Damn, that's a tough call but I think that I would rather have this stud for another decade than risk burning him out now. I get the whole YOLO craze and all, but I don't really think that this Nats team can win it all this year anyway.  Or maybe just put him on the DL for a month with something stupid like bi-lateral leg weakness and then everyone wins.

GMoney: Which underachieving team is going to come back and win their division and which overachiever is going to fail miserably?
G$: It's going to be the Tigers even though they have been a disgrace to big budget baseball throughout the first half of the year. They are finally over .500 again (yeah, congrats!) and I expect them to overtake the White Sox in late August. The Dodgers are going to end up 8 games out of first.

GMoney: Any yet-to-be-seen rookies coming up soon that are giving you an erection?
G$: Dylan Bundy for Baltimore seems to be all the rage and has drawn some Strasburg comparisons from people that follow this stuff closely. Seeing who the O's are starting these days, he should be up soon.

GMoney: Did you see Tim McCarver laugh at a cancer charity during Saturday's Yankees/Red Sox game? This guy is the devil, right?
G$: I did and it pissed me the fuck off. The story is that the Red Sox cut horrible OF Darnell McDonald last week and the Yankees picked him up. He was on the NY roster for the series against his old team. The Yankees are a classy bunch and they don't allow long hair (or Mattingly's Sideburns) so McDonald had to cut his long dreads off to stay a major leaguer (an easy decision). McCarver was joking about what he would do with a bag of long hair and Buck replied that he could donate it to Locks of Love (a charity that provides wigs for cancer patients). McCarver thought that this was the funniest thing ever because he is an asshole that shits on cancer patients. I hope that McCarver gets beheaded.

GMoney: Who is one big name that you can see being dealt before the deadline?
G$: I'm gonna say it--David Ortiz. I could see him going to Anaheim or Texas. He isn't going to stay in Boston anyway and the Red Sox are going to be playing for nothing come September. They might as well sell him high and get something in return. The bridge between Papi and the team were burned a long time ago.

GMoney: Is Andruw Jones the new Matt Stairs?
G$: After last weekend's 4 dong series at Fenway, I would have to say "yes". I'm really starting to take a shine to Andruw. I don't believe that he has ever hit a cheap home run. Every time he goes yard, the ball travels at least 450 feet.  Nothing beats a "no doubter".

GMoney: Finally, before the season you picked the Yankees to beat the Marlins in the World Series. Are you standing by that?
G$: I suppose that I'll stand by this pick. John Calipari has already guaranteed a Yankees championship anyway. And Joba is coming back soon as long as his leg doesn't try to fly off of his body during a harmless activity again. After being treated like shit by the Royals and their inbred fans this week, I expect Cano to fucking rake the rest of the way on his way to an MVP.  I'll stick with Miami, too, just because I'm not really impressed by anyone in the NL anyway.

Big ups to the best looking guy that I know for taking a few minutes to talk baseball with us today. Hmmmm, how can it be Brady Day with no mention of the Indians. Eh, whatevs, fuck that guy.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

NBA is Brady Repellent

                         "This is gonna look so super hot on Facebook..."



I was going to do a live blog of the Home Run Derby tonight, but about 20 minutes into it I was so bored and angry I wanted to blindly destroy my personal possessions.  What I learned in the first 20 minutes is that Chris Berman is still a complete fucking dildo, interviews with guys who speak broken/no English are always uncomfortable and hilarious, white dudes can't even excel in an event made for white dudes and Ide almost definitely loves the Zac Brown Band.  I can just see him up in NY blowin on a moonshine bottle while slapping his overall'ed knees to this crap.  Seems like some shit that Train's biggest fan would enjoy.

Anyway...Brady continues to piss me off by well...being himself.  So what better way to get back at him then another basketball entry?  It's been a busy off season of free agency so let's award some winners and losers so far.

Winners:

Brooklyn - Not because they inhaled Joe Johnson's nutty turd flavored contract and not because they could still potentially get Smiles McElbows in a billion team sign and trade deal that would put Kris Kardashian in Cleveland.  But because they were able to keep Deron Williams.  I'll say it...when this guy is healthy I think he's the best PG in the league.  He can be a bit of a snatch sometimes as far as health and attitude goes, but now he's got money and players around him.  Expect a huge year for Williams and the Nets.

Atlanta - OBVZ because of successfully moving the unmovable contract.  And for being lucky enough to get Danny Ferry on a good day when all this shit went down.

Boston - Ray Allen has gone to the dark side to play tummy sticks with Lebron but Boston was able to land Jason Terry to replace him.  As much as I fucking despise Terry, dude still has probably 2 solid years left in him and has always been a great shooter.  It's also possible Boston could land Courtney Lee which doesn't blow my tits off but is still a pretty solid move considering how much they need guard help.

Me - See first loser below...

Losers:

Colon Cowturd - Not even 6 fucking months have passed since Cowfucker dedicated almost an entire segment to publicly fellating Ramon Sessions after becoming an LA Laker.  I swear to fucking God he sat there and rattled off a hoard of meaningless stats trying to convince America that LA had their PG of the future.  Now the Lakers sign Steve Nash and all of a sudden Cowturd talks about Sessions like he's Sabastian Telfair.  Or Rafer Alston.  God Dammit!  Zero credibility.  Anyone who actually enjoys listening to this ignorant baboon spew poop all day has a serious mental deficiency and needs to be fucking medicated.  Tell us again how Durant is overrated and how OKC won't make it back to the NBA finals.  FUCK YOURSELF!

Minnesota - The worst president of basketball operations in the league is about to lose the best player on his team if he doesn't stop trying to find out how far he can jam his own finger up his ass before he starts having blood in his stool consistently.  Kevin Love is pissed and has basically said if Minny doesn't make the playoffs this year, he's out.  I can't say I blame him either.  The Wolves have average roughly 20 wins in each of Love's first 4 seasons with the team.  They showed signs of life this year, but injuries ended that dream.  I would say that if picking consistently in the top 5 every year doesn't get you enough impact players to be a contender then it's time to move on.  It's not a Kevin Love problem anymore...it's a David Kahn problem.

LA Lakers - I'm sorry, I just don't buy Steve Nash making LA an instant contender again.  Yes.  Nash killed it last year but realistically how much does he really have left at 39 and 40?  I think it's a lot less than people may want to believe.  What everyone thinks is that getting Nash means LA is a lock for the Western Conference Finals.  What will most likely happen is LA gets bounced first or second round and Mike Brown gets fired giving him plenty of time to make his neck look like a package of hot dogs.

Dallas - As much as I loved watching Mark Cuban spoon feed Skip Bayless large tufts of his pubic hair on national television, I have to wonder what the fuck Cuban is doing in this off season with his team.  They lost everybody and every deal they were looking to make has been destroyed.  It's been really ugly and I can't see Dallas in the playoffs as a direct result of how disastrous this off season has been.

Go ahead and add your own winners and losers.  Or talk about the home run derby.  Maybe chime in about a how it only took a guy 10 swings on his defenseless GF before you thought about stepping in and saving her tender ass from white trash punishment.  If nothing else this post means today Brady will be out of the comment section and that makes us all winners.  It'll give me a rest from his Ohio filth.  Now if I can only find a way to eliminate Seal.  Let's start with a porn post.  It seems like talking about naked women would scare him away.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Nothing Has Changed On Champions Lane

Relevant.
After all of the dust settled around the Ohio State football program/athletic department we were all under the assumption that everything was about to change for the better.  Jim Tressel was gone.  Urban Meyer arrived.  Gene Smith somehow kept a job that an old white guy would have been fired from.  The point was that no longer would the inmates run the asylum.  Those days were over.  The school was going to take the power back from the players where it never belonged.  These were all positive steps forward needed to gain back a completely destroyed national reputation and it sounded good.

Unfortunately, it's all bullshit.  Even with a new "tougher" coaching staff and stricter guidelines in the athletic department, things have not changed at all.  The football players still think that they are above the law and that rules don't apply to them.

Friday night, backup senior MLB Storm Klein was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and assault.  Details are sketchy at the time that I write this but I'll just assume he kissed his sweetie with his fist.  When you add this to the arrests of Jake Stoneburner and Jack Mewhort last month, that now makes 3 arrests since Urban Meyer took over 6 months ago.  Or, you know, same old shit from Urban Meyer coached teams.  No matter where he goes, no one behaves themselves.  FACT!

Now, I look forward to stupid Fuckeye fan chiming in with retarded excuses for Urban like "this wasn't his recruit" or "Klein is a bust anyway" and those will be as adorable as they are ignorant.  But here is the thing: if Urban can't control guys that Tress brought in and have been in the program for three years already (who you would assume are more mature than the 18 year old Floridians that are on the way), then what are we to expect once his thugs show up???

UPDATE: Klein has been kicked off the team.  Every coach would have done this.  But he isn't Urban's recruit and was a bust anyway so whatever, right?

I'm not going to sit here like a Gregg Doyel (or insert another internet troll) and personally blame Meyer for having no control over his players.  Is it the coach's fault when his guys piss and run or give their girlfriend a TKO from Tokyo?  No, it isn't.  But it does show that something still stinks in the Woody Hayes Athletic Complex.  These guys are still doing whatever the fuck they want to and not thinking of the consequences.  They are still getting into trouble at an impressive rate.  My point is that everyone expected Meyer to grab the bull by the horns and skullfuck morals and integrity back into the football program.  I'm still waiting to see ANYTHING that reflects that.  Because you would think that if the players respected and loved playing for this guy, they wouldn't still be blatantly fucking up.

You know, maybe that article about Meyer being the reason why Florida sucks now wasn't entirely written on one-ply toilet paper.  Maybe there was some merit to those (at the time) weird accusations by Matt Hayes.  Oh well, just like in Gainesville, as long as he wins it won't matter how many of his players end up in handcuffs.

Damn!  I love it when Fuckeyes get arrested.  These posts just write themselves.  I think that I actually witnessed some domestic violence on Saturday afternoon.  If I have some time, I'll tell the story in the comments.  Needless to say, I did nothing to stop it.  HERO!