Friday, August 31, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day #5: The Champion

Hey, Rupe, thanks for providing the poses this week.  Before you go, what do you think of Mr. Ace?
Wow.  What a great week this turned out to be.  Before we each crown our champions today and I preview the only game that matters to me this weekend, I would first like to thank all of our contributors toward this epic project.  Even you commenters, too.  While the constant barrage of anOSU/UM insults can be tedious, it's that kind of garbage that keeps you all coming back.  I guess that that makes it a necessity.  Shit.

So for the final time this week, fellas, who do you have standing tall in mid-May or whenever bowl season ends?

Damman: USC over Georgia. The PAC 12 is garbage outside of Oregon, and USC gets them at home this year. Georgia will be there for reasons stated above. USC breaks the SEC stranglehold and we all want to kill ourselves over Collin T. Cowherd’s massaging of Barkley’s and Kiffin’s balls after this happens. Can you imagine how horrible this is going to be?

Drew: Alabama vs. USC. Both teams will enter the game undefeated and USC will win. Prediction: USC 31, Bama 20

The Wig Master: Oklahoma over Wisconsin. I think that it would be easy to say that USC and Bama play for the title this year, so I won’t. Instead, some eight days or so after Full Beer Day (you remember!), the Sooners of Oklahoma will beat the Wisconsin Badgers for the BCS Championship. Until next year bitches, I’m the TRUFE like A I.

Li'l Strut: USC over Florida State. Both teams will benefit from relatively weak schedules and end up as the only 12-1 or 13-0 BCS Conference teams at the end of the year. In the end, USC will flex its offensive muscles, as it had all season long, and take the title back to So Cal.

GSaul: #1 Oklahoma 24 v. #2 Oregon 17. The SEC’s consecutive national championships streak ends at six. After having nothing to play for last year, USC already has a target on their back and the Trojans always lose a game every year that they should have won, so I see Oregon coming out of the Pac 12. One of these years, I will get my Oklahoma prediction correct…BOOMER SOONER!

Dut: USC over Florida State.  (Dut offered no explanation so I will write one for him)  USC has way hotter guys.  Have you seen FSU QB EJ Manuel?  Probably has a nice dong, but he's TOTES and UGGO.  Matt Barkley just oozes machismo and really makes my groomed stubble stand up.

G$: LSU over Florida State.  I pick an SEC team to win every year because it is fucking easy and the smart thing to do.  Phil Steele loves Florida State and Kiper says that (even without the OVERRATED Honey Badger) LSU has the most talent in the country.  Until Les Miles stops being lucky as fuck, I'll bet on the guy that drinks from the toilet.

OK, I'm sure that you all can't wait to see how delusional I am.

Miami University +23 @ Ohio State.  I'm not an idiot.  I swear!  There is a reason why NO ONE outside of this site is talking about this game and that is because the outcome is not in doubt.  But what kind of asshole would I be if I had no hope?  I MUST BELIEVE!  I've got some bullet-points that I'm going to throw out and my goal is to be completely unbiased while I talk about my least favorite college football team and my favorite college football team.

*There are three things that I know that give me hope.  Our QB (Dysert) is better than yours.  DEAL WITH IT...just ask any NFL scout.  Our WR (Harwell) might be the best receiver that you see all year.  We have a legit lock-down CB (Nunley) who should NOT be challenged.  You don't know or care about these guys so I will stop soon.  Dysert and Harwell are both projected to possibly go on Day 2 of the Draft next year.  They'll need to put up a monster tomorrow just to compete.  They are more than capable of doing that.  Seriously, though, watch Harwell because he is SICK.
*However, the 5 worst players on the field tomorrow just so happen to be our starting OL.  These guys are fucking terrible and our center was carted off the practice field on Tuesday so it should be even worse.  Hankins was a high first round pick already but we'll get him in the top 5.  I expect a dink and dunk passing game out of the Red and White because...
*We can't fucking run the ball and it doesn't matter who we're playing.  Last in the nation in 2011 with a whopping 73 yards per game!  And it sounds like a true freshman is going to start in the backfield.  If we break 75 yards, we're going to win.  Don't worry, we won't hit that number.
*As talented as your DL is though, they don't really have a good track record of getting to the QB.  I actually don't see that changing tomorrow unless our offense is a bunch of 7 stop drops.  Our OC BETTER NOT DO ANY OF THOSE.
*If you're going to play Ohio State, this is probably the best time to do so.  They are only going to get better so it behooves Miami to face them while they are still tinkering with things.
*I think it's also important to watch OSU's poise and demeanor in the first half.  I could TOTES see a lot of the young guys (especially on offense where there isn't a ton of veteran experience) forcing things and trying to make the big play which would lead to mental mistakes.  I could at least see this happening in the first half (don't lie, you do, too).  These buttfuckers are going to try to do whatever it takes to impress King Buttfucker.
*That being said, I don't expect Tom Herman to go too far away from Jim Bollman's old game plans.  I think it will be a fairly boring and vanilla offense that will show some flare (but not Ric Flair), but this isn't the statement game.  They will just be biding their time until that trip to East Lansing to show who they are.

So what am I thinking?  It seems like every time the little guy goes to the big dog's house, they always gift wrap a defensive TD or a horrible turnover at the wrong time.  If we can avoid this (highly doubtful as I see numerous strip sacks in our future), we can hang.  Like I said, I don't see your offense going bananas which could lead to some groans from the crowd.  Remember when Michigan lost to App State and Toledo in the same season?  LOLZ!  Well, we're due for something like that again, motherfuckers.  My heart says that Miami wins 20-19 as OSU's red zone offense stalls often (we actually have a pretty solid defense).  My wallet says nothing.  My head says that we play three great quarters before the bad guys (and they are the bad guys) pull away with a blocked punt TD (or something similar) early in the 4th quarter.  If I was a betting man, I'd say that Ohio State wins 33-17.  I don't think that you cover.  I do think that we will be able to move the ball.  To quote Jim Tressel, every possession must end in a kick though.

I'll tell you what though just to make it interesting.  Straight up bet--if Ohio State wins, I will show up to the G$FL Draft on Monday in an Ohio State Football t-shirt (I have one because I am a sucker for free t-shirts).  Someone can snap a picture of it and I'll even give a thumbs up.  If Miami wins, you have to live with that shame forever and realize that our friendship will likely end over this football game because I will never stop talking about it.  I will not bet money so don't bother because I'm a fan and I don't take points.

Either way, this is going to be a good weekend.  Especially since Ide isn't coming back.  Enjoy the football, assholes, and we'll see you back here on Tuesday.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day #4: The Heisman Winner

Is J-Rupe related to Mitch Albom?
This, right here, is a very young J-Rupe.  See, the thing about J-Rupe is that he is a goddamn karate icon.  Look at that mug.  That mug wins karate championships.  This is what the Karate Heisman looks like, people!  What would that award be called anyway?  The Macchio?  Yeah, it would be a golden crane kick figure.  J-Rupe has killed over a hundred men with his martial artistry.  Anyway, today everyone gets to give out their Heisman trophy.

*If you recall, I stripped Matt Barkley of his Weisman Award once he decided to be a selfish prick and return to school pointlessly to sniff more boners.  Matt Barkley is a homo.  Remember how Willie Mays Hays nailed batting gloves to his apartment wall for every stolen base?  Barkley does that, too, but with boners that he has satisfied.  Matt Barkley is a cocksucker.

Damman: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. The best player on the best team who will get all the hype all year is going to win. Plus there is not a whole lot star power among the ELITE teams. Landry Jones is a dark horse.

Drew: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. He's a pretty boy....came back for his Senior year....playing on the #1 team in the nation....playing out in L.A....not many people to challenge him. He's the biggest name on any national championship contender and he'll play up to those expectations. I think he wins in a rout.

The Wig Master: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. This really should have been in yesterday’s post; it’s a bold f’n prediction! (Ok, a little sarcasm there.) But Barkley really is poised to join the ranks of Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart. Expect to see a high-powered offense of Trojans’ past that Snoop would be proud of. Not this mickey mouse Nick Lachey shit! USC is hungry to compete in the postseason and Barkley has the experience and surrounding talent to make a run for the title. Their defense may not provide much support but who really plays defense in the PAC12 anyways.

Li'l Strut: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. This is certainly the obvious pick, but no offense will be as powerful as USC’s. Barkley arguably already had the best WR tandem in the country, but now Silas Redd will join the fold out of the backfield and in the running game. Barkley will dominate and with over 4,000 passing yards and 40 touchdowns on his way to the Heisman.

GSaul: Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma. Really I just want to hear Billy Sims scream BOOMER over and over again like he did when Sam Bradford won in 2008. The media has already declared Matt Barkley the 2012 Heisman winner, but Jones actually has produced better numbers over his career.

Dut: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. Playing on a loaded team, dude got game, already has the hype... shoe in.

G$: Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina.  I don't care what MUDawg says about him coming back too early.  This cat is a goddamn stud and, in my opinion, the most likely replacement of Trent Richardson on the throne of Best RB in College Football (Fuck Montee Ball). 

Now how about a few predictions:
Boise State +7 @ Michigan State.  THIS is the real game of the weekend.  This is the Gordon Gee Bowl.  Boise State has beaten someone from every big boy conference...except for the Big Ten.  Now they get their chance to shut up all of the lardass midwesterners out there that no nothing about football outside of the rust belt.  This game should be terrific even with both teams breaking in new starting QBs.  The Broncos don't have the highest of expectations this season which is probably exactly what they prefer.  I expect a low scoring game with Boise doing what they do best.  Broncos 20-19.

Michigan +12.5 @ Alabama (it's a road game, stop acting like it isn't).  I just don't see how this is close unless UM is at least +3 in turnover margin.  You know how Denard is fast as shit and can out run most of the horribly slow Big Ten defenses?  Yeah, well, Nick Saban has D-linemen that can run with homeboy.  He's not going to be able to do what he does best.  Denard is going to HAVE to throw.  That's not good.  On offense, AJ McCarron is steady and Eddie Lacy is The Wig Master's boy.  If they played this game ten times, I don't think that Michigan would win any of them.  Does Michigan still have that kicker that looks like a homeless Yokozuna and likes to false start before every FG attempt?  That guy blows.  Alabama 34-20.

I'm sure that those predictions will spark some heavy petting and debate today.  We finish College Football Preview Week by crowning our champions and previewing the Miami/Little Brother game on Saturday. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day 3: The Bold and the Beautiful

Do I look like a guy that would own a car with four doors?
Is it possible to go one day without anOSU fans and scUM fans going at each other?  No.  No it is not possible.  It is something that we intellectual superiors have learned to deal with.  It's time for our panel to get bold.

Damman: 1. The SEC’s stranglehold on the BCS Championship will end this year. The rest of the college football world is fed up with these hillbillies and a non-SEC team will take it down this year.
2. Georgia will win the SEC and play for the national title. This one is for you Dawg! But seriously though, have you see their schedule? No Bama, LSU or Arkansas. Buffalo, Florida Atlantic and Georgia Southern out of conference. The only real roadblocks are at South Carolina, at Auburn and the SEC Championship Game. I know that they are ranked #6 so this doesn’t appear to be that bold, but they are kind of flying under the radar.
3. Wisconsin will not play in the B1G title game. With Ohio State and Penn State not eligible this year, everyone assumes Wisconsin will waltz into the championship game. Not so fast my friend! Illinois, with some competent coaching and a very underrated QB in Scheelhaase, will shock everyone and sneak into the championship game. At Wisconsin and at Michigan back to back will not be easy, but I see them having a dream season like in 2007. Not gonna lie, this is mostly me hoping to see Wisconsin fall flat.

Drew: 1. Alabama does not lose a game until the NCG.
2. Ohio State wins @Wisconsin by more than 14 points.
3. True Freshman DE Noah Spence will have 8 or more sacks this year.

The Wig Master: 1.The Big Ten will only have five teams bowl eligible.
2. The SEC will not play for the National Championship.
3. Notre Dame loses seven games this season.
3B. Jerry Sandusky is dead before Christmas…could be hanging by bed sheet, or dirty Mike and the Boys shoving a mop up his anus.

Li'l Strut: 1. Florida Wins the SEC. Florida returns 18 starters, with 10 on a defense that ranked in the top 10 nationally last year. Being in the SEC East gives them the easier road to the title game. Once in Atlanta, a little luck could be all the Gators need.
2. No SEC BCS Champ. Although LSU and Alabama are getting top 5 love, each has to replace a lot of experience. Look for both to have unexpected losses. We also know UGA will be UGA and the rest of the teams will eliminate the others. There will be no 12-0 or 11-1 teams in the SEC this year and the title run will end.
3. Michigan State to the BCS Title Game. The defense will be tough as nails with 6 preseason All B1G starters. The offense will rely on bruising RB Le’veon Bell and a great OL, which could be enough to squeak out an undefeated record in the same fashion as OSU in 2002 and go to the title game.

GSaul: 1. Jim Tressel and Terry Bowden are both currently employed by the University of Akron. Their football team will be on probation before the end of the season.
2. DUKE will…continue to suck. However, I do think this is finally the year that Clemson takes the ACC with wins over FSU and Va Tech.
3. Jerry Sandusky is acquitted and gets a job as Lil’ Red, the inflatable-costumed boy mascot of the University of Nebraska–Lincoln. [good pics online]

Dut: 1. Penn State loses their first game to Ohio (that's the Bobcats for you retards that get confused)
2. BGSU wins the MAC
3. Non-SEC team wins the national championship

G$: 1. Purdue wins their Big Ten division.  They have a 25% chance already since Ohio is dirty and Penn State is rapey.  Wisconsin is a big cunt and I like the cut of Danny Hope's gibe so I'll buy into his weird bravado.
2. USC will not play for the BCS Title.  USC loses at least one slam dunk easy game per year regardless of their superior talent.  In order to play for the title, they are going to have to beat Oregon twice.  They are not going to beat Oregon twice.
3. Neither will Landry Jones because he will be benched in favor of Brandon Bell.  I think that his name is Brandon at least.  The Belldozer is an ELITE nickname and Landry Jones is a turd and Oklahoma always underachieves so it seems like a good fit.

OK, so tomorrow we are giving out The Heisman but that is obviously going to be a really short post so I will likely preview/predict the Boise/Sparty and UM/Bama game as well.  Friday will just be for champions and the only game that matters to me. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day 2: Sleepers and Creepers

J-Rupe, what is your opinion on Brian Kelly?  Gotcha.  Well said.
After collectively deciding that Michigan is OVERRATED yesterday, today the brain trust is giving you all a lesson on Players to Watch this year and a coach that will be getting shit-canned.  If you thought that everyone would be helpful, then think again.  A few of the homers chose to enlighten the unwashed masses about an unknown small school quarterback named "Braxton Miller".  Haven't heard of him?  Well, you're about to find out a whole lot more!  Because no one has ever heard of that guy!  After making correct points all day yesterday, Ohio fans couldn't help themselves to dip back into their mental illness today.  Just let this be a reminder that Fuckeye fans only know things about their own team and almost no one else.  Let's do this.

Damman: Player To Watch – Braxton Miller, Ohio State. You know I couldn’t resist throwing a Buckeye into the mix. He actually has competent offensive coaching this year. The offensive line will no longer be a joke. This Buckeye offense is going to be leaps and bounds better than last year (would not take much). Getting extensive experience last year will help a lot. I am concerned with the stable of wide receivers or lack thereof but I’m going to assume they will step up as well. This kid’s growth is gonna be fun to watch.
Coach Fired Derek Dooley, Tennessee. This guy is just awful. The Tennessee fan base also thinks that they are a much better program than they really are. I mean, what have they ever won other than a fluke title in 1998 in which Ohio State was by far the best team? They will run this poor schmuck out of town before season’s end.

Drew: Player To Watch - Stefon Diggs, WR/KR, Maryland. The kid has Ted Ginn Jr. type electricity in the return game. His highlight reels will be fun weekly to see....and the reason you'll see them is because he will be the only Maryland highlight in any games.
Coach Fired - Jeff Tedford, Cal. There actually appears to be a ton of guys in solid footing this year for the top 25 teams this year. Anybody that picks interim John L. Smith should not be counted either. I'll go with California coach Jeff Tedford. There are a ton of new coaches in the Pac-10 and Cal has gone from a very solid program to a very mediocre one over the last couple of years. They will be mediocre once again this year...and the alumni will put a lot of pressure on the administration after seeing a lot of their fellow Pac-10 teams move to something new.

The Wig Master: Player To Watch - Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama. G Funk asked for one player to watch out for…I will disregard his Taliban-like control and drop a few nuggs on ya: Landry "Lance" Jones is being overlooked. Lance certainly has Heisman potential.I also think the guy that will shock is Eddie Lacy, RB Bama. Ingram was great, Trent was better, Lacy might be better than Trent. He will explode this year. Finally, don't sleep on that WVU offense either, Geno and Tavon are going to put up some serious stats.
Coach Fired - Frank Spaziani, Boston College. After going 4-8 last year and .500 for his three years at Boston College, Frank Spaziani and his mustache will be relieved of their head coaching duties this year. I don’t think that the BC fans ask for much! Frank, however, has provided very little…even going 0-3 against Notre Dame. Adios muchacho.

Li'l Strut: Player To Watch - Marqise Lee, WR, USC. I want to say Braxton Miller, but since others will, I will go with Lee. USC is going to be an offensive machine this year. As a true freshman, Lee had 73 rec., 1143 yds, and 11 TD’slast year. Look for those numbers to rise with Lee, and his fellow Trojan WR Robert Woods both earning All-American honors.
Coach Fired - Brian Kelly, Notre Dame. The time has come to put up or shut up. ND always has great recruits, so talent is not an excuse. The fans are fed-up and, unfortunately for Brian Kelly, the Irish schedule is probably the toughest in the nation. Sparty, Michigan, Da U, Stanford, Oklahoma, and USC could all be losses. We all know ND will lose to someone it is not supposed to, as well. The Irish will end the season 7-5, at best, and Brian Kelly will be gone.

GSaul: Player To Watch - James Franklin, QB, Missouri. Franklin (6’2”, 225) – think Denard Robinson on steroids – averaged 75 rushing yards and tallied a 139.1 passer rating per Big 12 conference game last year. With Missouri moving to the SEC, Franklin’s talents will be on display for everyone to see and he will easily earn his place in the conversation among the best dual-threat quarterbacks.
Coach Fired - Derek Dooley, Tennessee. He’s 11-14 in his first two seasons with the Vols. This is a classic Rich Rod “Three and Out” situation, but I won’t be buying Dooley’s book. I’d like to blame most of this on Lane Kiffin, but a third losing season would be unacceptable, especially in the SEC.

Dut: Player To Watch - Braxton Miller, QB, Ohio State. Fuck it, I'm going with a homer pick in Braxton Miller. He showed flashes last year while getting thrown into the fire with below average coaching. Urban Meyer's track record with QB's is stellar (Josh Harris, Alex Smiff, Chris Leak, Tebow). He will contend for B1G offensive player of the year.
Coach Fired - John L. Smith, Arkansas. The normal cast of characters (Zook and Weis) have no chance, so I gotta dig deep here. I'm going with John L Smith at Ar-Kansas. I think people are underestimating how much of an impact Bobby Petrino had, even if he is terrible at driving motorcycles/cheating on his wife. One thing John L Smith was good at while at Michigan State was blowing games (and dicks). With Petrino-like expectations and not having Petrino-like skills, I don't see this ending well.

G$: Player To Watch - Le'Veon Bell, RB, Michigan State. - The Columbus product is about to go HAM on the rest of the Big Ten.  I say this because he is a good player and, after losing Kirk Cousins, this year's Sparty team is about to become the 2002 Ohio State team incarnate.  They are going to run the ball 60 times a game and rely heavily on a nasty defense.  And you know what, it's going to work.
Coach Fired - Derek Dooley, Tennessee.  This guy could fuck up a cup of coffee.  He has no business being employed by anyone.  As the new label that I created today says, Derek Dooley eats from the toilet.

Take your shots at stupid Buckeye fans like Damman and Dut today.  They left themselves wide open for your hate.  Tomorrow, we will get into Bold Predictions which can only mean one thing:  GSaul's annual update on Duke football!!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day 1: Rated!

Huge Buckeyes Fan!
Hey, it's College Football Preview Week here at Da Shot. In case you are new to this, it is five straight days where some of our least favorite commenters collaborate to get you ready for the season. It's utterly terrible! We're back to the original crew of contributors this season (AND Li'l Strut!): Damman, The Wig Master, Drew, GSaul, Dut, and myself. I promise that GSaul actually tried this year. Anyway, day one is all about overrated and underrated teams. Enjoy!

Damman: Overrated - #8 Michigan. My staple for overrated teams, Virginia Tech, is only ranked 20th to start this year so I had to look elsewhere. So I’ll have to go with none other than the Michigan Wolverines. #8 is way too high. This team had a number of close games go their way last year, including narrowly beating bad Ohio State and Notre Dame teams at home. The defense is still very suspect. Denard still can’t throw. They’re due for a fall back this year. The schedule is not easy with a neutral site game against Bama and roadies at ND, Nebraska and Ohio State. 8-4 or 7-5 is a strong possibility.
Underrated – #15 Texas. I really have no basis to back this up, but they have been shit for the last 3 years and they have to be due for a bounce back year, right? Case McCoy can’t be this bad, can he? Too much talent on this roster. I’m rolling with the Horns this year.

Drew: Overrated - #8 Michigan. This one is pretty fucking easy. The most OVERRATED team right now is Michigan. The idea that they will finish at # 8 in the country (one writer gave them a #1 vote...LOLZ!) laughable. Big losses on the defensive line...lack of play-makers other than Denard...and their schedule is the opposite of what it was last year, which means it's tough. Games against Alabama, @ND, MSU, @Nebraska, @Ohio State. They will finish somewhere in the 15-20 range this year.
Underrated - #16 Frank Beamer's Fake Neck. The most underrated team in the nation is Virginia Tech. They are currently ranked # 16/18. They basically have two games they could lose...@Clemson and a night home game against FSU. They return an excellent defense with 9 returning starters and I really think this is the year that QB Logan Thomas will make a leap. Their defense will win them enough games with that easy schedule, that is not difficult to see them finishing it with one loss and heading into the bowl season ranked around # 5 in the nation.

The Wig Master: Overrated - #25 Louisville. The Louisville Cardinals come into the season ranked #25 (AP)…the only Big East team that is ranked, and the preseason favorite to win the Conference. I suppose that means we will get to watch the 6-6 Cards in the Orange Bowl come January. What a joke. The Cards will be lucky to get out of September at 3-2. Before October, the Cards will be out of the Top 25, and so Louisville is easily overrated.
Underrated - #12 Wisconsin. The Wisconsin Badgers sit at #12 (AP) as we start the year. If Montee Ball can actually stay in the Heisman race (and avoid random ass whoopins…a la Bullock v. G$--editor's note: you sonofabitch!), Wisky could coast. Their conference sched is actually quite manageable, with MSU and OSU appearing late in the year. Additionally, the Badgers have once again recruited a QB out of the ACC (scouting high school kids is for amateurs), that should get the start and be productive early. Wisky should be comfortably in the top 10 all year, and are currently underrated.

Li'l Strut: Overrated - #8 Michigan. The Wolverines lose 3 of 4 starters on the defensive line. U of M also loses many of its skill position starters, including its starting RB against Bama and its best WR from last year who single-handedly bailed Denard Robinson out from multiple interceptions in key victories. Opening against the defending national champs, and road games at Notre Dame, Nebraska, and Ohio State certainly don’t help. Let’s not forget about Sparty, either. Michigan is getting top 10 love, but I don’t see That Team Up North with less than 3-4 losses at season’s end.
Underrated - #7 Florida State. Even though FSU is right around 10 in most preseason polls, this team should be a top 5 team. Granted, FSU has rarely lived up to its billing recently, but the Seminoles return 18 starters, including 9 starters from a defense that was pretty damn good last year. FSU’s schedule is fairly weak. If they can get past Clemson in week 4, they could be 11-0 by the time Florida comes to Tallahassee

GSaul: Overrated - #11 West Virginia. WVU is moving from the Big East to the Big 12 this year. They will be welcomed by playing five teams that are currently ranked in the top 25 over a six-game stretch from October 6 through November 17. Just matching their 10-3 record from last year would be a Herculean accomplishment.
Underrated - #23 Florida. The Gators reside in the very winnable SEC East, plus LSU, South Carolina, and Georgia all have to visit the Swamp this year. Florida hired former Boise State offensive coordinator Brent Pease, so expect the Gators to improve on last year’s 7-6 record.

Dut: Overrated - #8 Michigan. I'm not saying this just because I hate everything about TSUN. They overachieved big time last year with a team full of RRod shit sandwiches. Also, they still utilize white people in the secondary. A relatively easy schedule (didn't play Wisconsin) and a lot of breaks/Denard Robinson jump balls led to a miracle season. Teams that play out of their ass one year usually come back to earth the next year when there are higher expectations. No way in hell this is the 8th best team in the nation. Those Denard Robinson jump balls will turn into INTs. I'm expecting 4-5 losses. Book it.
Underrated - #15 Texas. I did GSaul-esque research on this one. Texas is always among the elite in recruiting rankings, it just hasn't translated to the field the last two years. They'll get back to their Big12 dominating ways this year and maybe be in the conversation for a national championship.

G$: Overrated - #11 West Virginia. I had a fantasy football draft back in Napoleon on Saturday. I decided to take another shot at Four Loko. It was a huge mistake. I was a fucking disgrace. My team looks pretty good though (somehow). The last player that I got was Tim Hightower for a buck but you wouldn't know that if you looked at my roster sheet. What I was writing at the end was not even close to the English language.
Underrated - #23 Florida. It didn't end there though. I decided that it would be a good decision to pass out on my in-laws' couch without a shirt on. They came home and thought that I was dead. My wife had to walk me to a bedroom in which I "Peter Griffin'ed" onto the mattress. I passed out at 6:30 pm and woke up at 7:30 am. It was the least ELITE thing that I've ever done. NEVER DRINK FOUR LOKO.

Stay tuned for Day 2 of the Preview tomorrow where this same cast of assholes talks about sleeper players and horrible coaches.

Friday, August 24, 2012

FFF: The Ten Commandments

FACT: Phil Knight never made a profit with Nike until he got our endorsement.
Before we get started on the final edition of Fantasy Football Friday, I would just like to remind everyone to BEAT DEFIANCE! As I mentioned last week, I will be in attendance tonight to see who wins the River Rock (or whatever they play for now). I’m looking forward to it. I think that the Cats have a good shot since they are led offensively by (have no idea) and tackling machine (Joe Football Player). The Bulldogs have playmakers of their own with speedster (Jorge Spanishlastname) and kicker (Look at the foot on that guy!). It should be an instant classic. I will say though, that even if this is one of the oldest rivalries in the galaxy, I hate Bryan more. I still fucking LOATHE the Golden Bears and I always will.

Anyway, since we are in Draft season and I fashion myself as somewhat of an expert, here are my Ten Commandments for Draft Day. Abide by all of them and you will find success. I promise you this.

1. Thou Shall Have a Plan – Don’t just walk into your draft 5 minutes before it starts and open up a magazine that you just bought. That is a recipe for disaster. I like getting there an hour early just to get my bearings and focus.

2. Thou Shall Be Flexible With Said Plan – Don’t freak out if you miss out on the Big 3 quarterbacks and running backs. There are other studs out there. There should never be a situation where you say “I’m getting Player X and I give no fucks how much he costs”. That is stupid.

3. Thou Shall Not Go To War With The League Idiot(s) – I said this on Saturday but there is a guy in the DFL who is absolutely horrible at fantasy football. He knows no one that plays outside of Ford Field. If you catch yourself in a hotly contested bidding war with the moron of the league, then you should bail immediately. You really, really don’t want a guy that the league idiot wants, too.

4. Thou Shall Drink Alcohol – A must if you are a man. You ARE a man, aren’t you?

5. Thou Shall Constantly Remind Everyone About How Great You Are – No matter how much you hate your team, you better act like it is the fucking greatest thing of all time. I call this The Ide Rule. Historically, Ide is a below average fantasy football player (don’t argue this, I have history on my side) but you would never know it by his mouth and actions. You’ve got to respect this behavior. Not bad for a guy that shit his pants last week.

6. Thou Shall Ignore Bye Weeks – I used to worry about these. I don’t anymore. If I had my druthers, I would have all of my studs on the same bye week so I can get that loss over with and dominate the other weeks. If I have Megatron, I’m not going to pass up a Roddy White the next round for Miles Austin’s horrific mouth just because White and Tron have the same bye week. That’s just bad management. Just take the Best Player Available and deal with the fallout later. That’s why the waiver wire exists.

7. Thou Shall Not Pay For Past Results – Old running backs (Michael Turner), holdouts (MoJo), and homos (Tony Romo)…avoid them all. Youth is almost always better than experience in the game of fantasy football (except at QB and kicker).

8. Thou Shall Play Mind Games – Last year in the 21 year old league that I draft tomorrow (it can legally drink!), one of the fellow owners got really drunk very early and kept rubbing and messing up the hair of the guy sitting next to him. This was pre-Sandusky by the way. It might have been the gayest thing that I’ve ever seen and it went on for 3+ hours. The guy being molested had just an awful experience and looked like he wanted to kill himself once the draft was over. The fondler made the playoffs (somehow). The guy who was fondled finished third to last. This is fantasy football. You do whatever it takes to get into someone’s head. If that means being a queer for a day then so be it. Ironically, I was sitting on the other side of the cuddler rapist. I only received one head-patting all day. I won the league. Clearly, he raped the wrong guy that day.

9. Thou Shall Mention Dead Guys, Be Casually Racist, and Definitely Be Chauvinistic – This is obvious. I say this seemingly every year but about 4-5 years ago someone drafted Joe Jurevicius and another drunk in my league yelled, “He should be a lot better this year now that his kid is dead”. It remains the best line in fantasy football draft history. NOTHING comes close to that.

10. Thou Shall Have Fun – It’s so basic but it is so true. These are OUR days, gentleman. Don’t take them for granted. When they are over, you go back to your Browns and Bengals and Lions and Bears and Bills and Redskins. Most of the time, THAT BLOWS! Cherish these hours because it is going to be a long year before they come back to you. Stop trying to get everyone to hurry up or to stop fucking around. You don’t have anything better to do anyway. We have so little control over anything in our lives but we do here. You probably think that I’m crazy for loving something so meaningless so much. But I do and that is never going to change.

Now go out there and dominate your leagues (unless you are in a league with me). We all know what we are doing here—now it’s about execution. I will leave you with one final piece of advice that has always helped me in every aspect of my life: FUCK DEFIANCE.

As I’ve mentioned a lot, College Football Preview Week takes center stage all of next week (Iceman, enjoy your Tuesday vacation!). If you hate next week’s posts, it ain’t my fault. N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Who Needs a RB When You Have a Guy Named Blaine

NFL Owner!
We don’t talk about the Jacksonville Jaguars much around these parts and that’s a damn shame because they are boring as fuck and terrible and so is this blog. In fact, I would say that in the grand scheme of the entire internet, this site IS the Jaguars of the worldwide web--just completely irrelevant and a real lack of competence at the most important position here. But enough about me, let’s talk about their new(clear weapons; see what I did there!) owner, Great Tiger from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, and his horrible negotiating tactics and love of alienating his best player.

It’s actually been a fairly hilarious offseason for the Jaguars. They drafted a punter in the third round this year. Justin Blackmon promised that he MIGHT consider giving up booze after his 40th DUI and he only said that so the team would pay him. Football geniuses like Peter King can’t stop raving about how awesome Blaine Gabbert looks in camp. That last part is funny because Gabbert is fucking horrible. The other day they agreed to give up 4 games over the next 4 years to play outside of the country. Won’t someone think of their stadium tarps! But maybe the funniest development from this pointless team is that they are trying to play hardball with the only ELITE player that the team has had in a decade.

Great Tiger appears to be going out of his way to shit on my boy, MoJo Drew, and pissing off fantasy owners/the dozen or so Jags fans everywhere. Tiger said, "Train is leaving the station. Run, get on it." At first, Ide got excited because he thought that the Pakistani asshole was talking about his role models but Shad Khan was actually just making some sort of idiot analogy about how crappy teams apparently don’t need their best players now. Yeah, this guy may have a lot of experience dealing with labor disagreements, but he doesn’t know shit about football.

If I was Jones-Drew’s agent (or actually MoJo), I don’t fucking show up. Fuck them. The Jaguars likely are on a current 40+ game losing streak without you in the backfield. It’s time to be compensated for being the ONLY reason why people even know that this franchise exists. Demanding the trade was a logical step but it doesn’t sound like the team is interested in doing that (the Redskins will offer you 8 7th round picks for MoJo’s services). They would apparently rather have a pissed off superstar than to throw him a “less than Forte” deal (he’s 27 and has some mileage so I’m thinking 4 years/40 million with 20-25 guaranteed) out of respect for what he has done and actually had to put up with. Yeah, he’s getting older but it’s not like the Jaguars don’t have the cap space to do the right thing. Free agents never go there anyway so they might as well take care of their own. Seriously, their biggest move this year was Laurent Robinson and the Cowboys found him digging ditches last Fall.

I hope that Jones-Drew stays strong and does not cave. Stay at home, big fella. You don’t want to let some rich and smelly cocksucker get the better of you. Good luck with Rashard Jennings, Great Tiger. For a man with a mustache that glorious, you sure are a pretty big boner sniffer. I normally don’t side with athletes that hold out, but this is just ridiculous. Pay the man what he fucking deserves and quit acting like you’re this bad ass already.

If, for some strange reason, Jaguars football is not up your alley, here's another topic for you.  GSaul sent me a text the other night that local celebrity and social butterfly Greg Oden was at Bar Louie. That's fine by me because Greg Oden is apparently everywhere now; stalking all of us commenters here.  The thing is that Tuesdays are $1 burger nights at Bar Louie.  Is Greg Oden allowed to show up to Dollar Burger Night?  That just doesn't feel right.  Maybe Dollar Burnt Foot-long Hot Dog Night AMIRITE!!!

Stay tuned for tomorrow (my last post until after Labor Day!) as it is the final installment of Fantasy Football Friday. The topic, of course, is my “Ten Commandments for Draft Day”.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

This Melky Cabrera Story Just Keeps Getting More Amazing

It isn't the worst Judge Smails impression that I've ever seen.  But I've seen better.
Last week, Giants OF and All Star Game MVP Melky Cabrera got popped for failing a drug test and earned a hearty 50 game suspension for it. This is a huge blow for the playoff contenders as the Melk Man was putting up an MVP-caliber season. There is a huge taint bomb on that season, OBVZ, but if you thought that this story was just going to go away and stop being entertaining, boy were you mistaken.

Melky admitted right away that he got caught red-handed with having his blood replaced by testosterone. He apologized for it immediately and idiots everywhere chimed in with the very DERP-y, “he’s only saying that because he got caught and I’m handicapped for thinking this way”. Yep, dude got nailed for cheating. Now he has to pay the hefty price. I’m guessing that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve always liked Melky even when he ballooned up to 600 pounds and played a garbage CF for the Yankees before they shipped him off to ATL for the horrible Javier Vazquez (AGAIN!). I’ve said many times that I don’t care if guy’s take steroids. It’s not a popular opinion but like I give a fuck what other people think. In my opinion, you do what you’ve got to do and you deal with the fallout later. Melky is just trying to get paid and stay in the game.

Giants GM and resident dipshit, Brian Sabean, came forward after all of this broke saying that he was shocked and blind-sided by this development with his All Star OF. By the way, this is the same guy that enabled Barry Bonds for years. Who do you think you’re dealing with here, Sabes? You had to know about this at least a month ago while MLB was confirming the failed test. This shouldn’t have caught you off guard at all. In fact, I know it didn’t since a SOURCE of mine confirmed with another SOURCE inside MLB that the only reason that you traded for Hunter Pence was because you knew that you were about to lose Cabrera! Stop acting like I can’t add or make reasonable deductions, Piss Face! Breaking news, I have it!

Story is over, right? WRONG! This weekend, news broke that Melky and his handlers had bought up a handful of existing health websites after the fact and slapped fake (but real) ads at the top promoting the product that Melky had been taking which caused him to fail his piss test (as they say at Dut’s Glory Hole, “that was a mouthful”.) I guess that this was in hopes that it would gain him some sympathy or something. I’m still not sure what the point of this was. He is still guilty. He is still taking a substance that was a pop-up window on the internet without checking to see if it was credible. Apparently, MLB officials investigating these websites also ordered jars of testosterone from the company (which ended up just being some guy down in the D.R.) and they bought jars themselves! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!

Unfortunately, all of the infected sites have been taken down because I am mighty curious as to what a jar of testosterone looks like and costs. This part of the story makes my brain hurt. Even if MLB bought the crock of shit that Melky just got confused by the internet and bought the first product that came up, the only thing that that proves is that Melky isn’t smart enough to surf the internet and should have a babysitter watching him 24 hours a day.

I’ve heard/read people say that Melky committed fraud or whatever but I’m still just as confused as ever. 90% of the ads on the internet are fucking lies anyway so how is this any different. MLB has already come out and said that they have no plans to punish the OF any further so all of this website manipulation seems to be overblown. Melky should just stick to buying drugs off of reputable online outlets such as this fine site. I’ve got a whole bag of vitamins at my office desk if he’s interested. Anyway, if Bud Selig wants to do no more with this case then we should probably drop it, right? You know, LET HIM LIVE! Oh no, Rick Sutcliffe has other ideas and they are glorious(ly retarded).

On Wednesday Night Baseball last week (Rangers/Yankees), the always awful Ricky Sut mouth-farted that the All Star Game result this year should be THROWN OUT because of this failed PED test. Yes, because it was Melky’s shriveled ball bag alone that shut out the American League. It had nothing to do with Justin Verlander being his normal terrible self or anything. But wait—THERE’S MORE! On Michael Kay’s radio show in NYC the other day, Sutcliffe was a guest in what I could only guess was a Make-A-Wish segment. He told Kay (no slouch himself when it comes to terrible broadcasters) that Melky Cabrera SHOULD BE DEPORTED because he “broke the law”. DEPORTED! FOR FAILING A DRUG TEST! And he has not and will not be charged with any crime! Someone tell Obama to hire this guy to work on his foreign policy initiatives immediately! I have hated Rick Sutcliffe for a very long time but it is quite clear to me that he should be locked up in an asylum for the rest of his life. What a fucking lunatic. Maybe he got confused and meant to say “I should have been ABORTED”. That makes much more sense.

My final thoughts on Melky Cabrera are pretty simple. He is fucking stupid. I still think that he’s a good player (but definitely not as ELITE as he was through the first 100 games of this season.) He’ll be back in October or next year (and boy am I rooting for it to be October just for the drama). Some team is going to get a really nice discount on him this winter in free agency. And Rick Sutcliffe is dumber than Les Miles (and he drinks exclusively from the toilet). By the way, did anyone else see that TBS had Michelle Smith in the booth for the Braves/Dodgers game on Sunday? I thought that she was pretty good. She didn’t even try to sell Matt Kemp into slavery like Rick the Prick would do.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

BASKETBALL!! Just Kidding...Or Am I?

                    "Thirty two ounces of Lane Kiffin's semen!?  My favorite!!"

No cute little story to get things started off today.  Just a hodgepodge of shit.  I'm just gonna thrust it in you with no lube and hope that I tear something vital.

-Roger Clemens is making a return to baseball.  I'm sorry...I didn't know there was still a demand for 50 year old limp dicked pitchers with pudding tits.  Normally I hate all things baseball but this was just too tasty to pass up.  Are you fucking kidding me right now!?  Fifty motherfucking years old and you can't find anything else better to do with your time than embarrass yourself while moonballing 87 MPH fastballs to people half your age?  Clemens is fucking clown shoes.  I hope he dies.  Literally.

-Sticking with the steroids theme, the Bills have cut Shawne Merriman leaving him plenty of time to wonder if juicing was worth having baby nuts for the rest of his life.  I would say this is tragic but I have no sympathy for shit bags who break rules, then lie about the rule they broke.  Remember when this guy was virtually unblockable five or six years ago?  Now he's just a dried up, pathetic near non-story that just got cut by one of the most hilariously inept franchises in all of sports.  See you at Waffle House, Shawne...and remember when I'm hammered that I like chocolate chips in my pancakes, bitch.

-DeSean Jackson is a cry baby piece of shit fucking faggot.  Great message to send to kids, cock face.  If you don't get want you want, whine like a little bitch and take plays off until you get your way.  Fuck this guy.  I can't stand people who think they're worth more than they really are.  The Eagles should have just let this fucking head case walk when they had the chance.  Now they have an overpaid, average WR with the attitude of T.O. and the mouth of Freddie Mitchell.  Enjoy that bullshit.  He'll probably be on the Browns in four years.

-The MoneyShot's favorite Badger, Rusty Wilson, is tearing it up in preseason so far and sparking debates on whether or not he should overtake Matt Flynn as the starter.  Not huge news...just nice to see Rusty doing so well.  He'll have Flynn's job sooner rather than later since Flynn is an overpaid Kevin Kolb type.  So naturally Colon Cowfucker loves Flynn and his "potential".  TRANSCENDENT!!!

-Speaking of the worst radio host of all time, my new favorite thing to do is tweet Colon Cowfucker every time he was wrong about something he INSISTED he couldn't be wrong about.  Just recently I left this truth nugget.

"Kevin Kolb looks like a backup arena league QB. I love it when blowhards like are dead wrong.  

This will be my first tweet in a series of tweets that will gradually get more and more offensive.  My goal is to eventually piss him off to the point where he starts taking jabs back at me.  I'll keep everyone updated on my new mission.  But for real...Kevin Kolb looks fucking terrible.  Have fun absorbing that LOLZ contract, Arizona.

That's it for me today.  A nice little football/baseball grab bag for all you bitch faces who cry about basketball in August.  You guys should all take turns sucking DeSean Jackson's bumpy dick for questioning my ELITE topic picking skills.  Now piss off while I take more 5th grade cheap shots at Mr. Cowfucker.

Monday, August 20, 2012

2012 DFL Draft Review: It Could Have Been Better

Dut never stops amazing me.
Nothing really piqued my interest this weekend as a topic of blog-versation, so I just figured to talk about this Saturday's DFL Draft.  Much like last year, this served as the first draft for many of us (if not all) and served as a nice guidebook for how all future drafts will play out this month.  The big change this year was that we were shifting from a live auction format to an online auction via ESPN as half of us were over at Dut's house and the other half of the league were spread throughout the globe.  I'll get to that later though.

The day started off bright and early with a lovely morning 10 holes of perfection at Minerva Lake Golf Club.  Behind Damman's unreal front 9 40 and my tendency to hit clutch putting bombs, we defeated the evil duo of Dut and Jeff.  They had a chance to win on the final hole but after I sunk an extremely lucky 40 foot putt (my second of the day), Jeff deep-throated the shit out of his putter and missed a 3 footer by a million feet.  We each won a dollar from those two losers but it wasn't about the money.  It was about reminding those two that they suck and are women.  Plus, drinking beer at 8:30 in the morning is ELITE.  I can't wait to do it over the next two weekends.

OK, so the draft itself went fairly smooth.  For as awful as ESPN is at everything, their online auction is done about as well as you could imagine.  I honestly have zero complaints about it.  It's just unfortunate that it had to be that way.  I'm not trying to be a dick here or anything (but I am going to be a dick) but this league needs to go back to the live in-person draft that takes forever but is ridiculously enjoyable.  Yeah, Ide and Daniel chatting about race relations was great, but imagine how much better it would have been were they in the same room.  As the Rules Committee, I want to bring this motion to vote--live or nothing.  OBVZ it's going to be nearly impossible to get everyone in the same room since we have two owners in NYC, one in Texas, and one in Arizona.  I get that.  But I have one advantage for still living in Ohio...I can make all of my drafts.  That's it.  We shouldn't be catering the league toward the people that can't make it.  If we can't get a Skype thing, replacement drafters, or something going then it might be worth exploring finding new owners.  Or go down to 12 teams like a normal league.  Don't give everyone an easy out.  Lange, all of the Saul boys, Boz, and Larry/Drew; they all could have been there probably.  So let's make a solid effort to get everyone in the same room next year.  While this is the World's Worst League, I still think that we are better than what we showed yesterday.  You're never going to make everyone happy.  Don't worry about the outliers, concern yourself with the majority, homo.

It didn't help that our Commish was seemingly trying to get us to leave 5 minutes after the draft started!  I'm just kidding (not really, quit fucking with the draft shot clock) but I must commend Dut for installing a Glory Hole in his bathroom.  I should have taken a picture of it.  Sure, it may just be where the mirror is supposed to go once he is done remodeling, but for the time being, I like to think that that is how Dut gets his fill of extremely girth-y black dong.  As I mentioned in the chat, 2011 was the year of the Fleshlight (which made an appearance on Draft Day because why wouldn't it), but 2012 is the year of the Glory Hole.

Anyway, 10 of the 14 members of the league are known readers and contributors here.  Let's break down their teams and let the world know who is the favorite.  Now, I'm not going to waste your time listing every player on all 10 teams, but I'll go Survivor Series mode instead.  I am going to anonymously list the 5 best players (according to me) on each team and you can judge who did the best and worst.  FYI, I really like Damman's team (because a lot of them were on my team last year) but he hasn't had a ton of success in auctions past so take that with a grain of salt.  Here we go:

Team 1 - Arian Foster, DeMarco Murray, Jimmy Graham, CAR Steve Smith, and RG3/Luck (both $5)...good luck to this guy figuring out which QB to start every week
Team 2 - Drew Brees, Doug Martin, Stevie Johnson, Roy Helu, and Gronkowski
Team 3 - Fred Jackson, Sproles, Roddy White, Victor Cruz, and Greg Jennings (WOW)
Team 4 - Matt Schaub, Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Aaron Hernandez, and Julio Jones
Team 5 - Philip Rivers, LeSean McCoy, Trent Richardson, Colston, and Miles Austin

Team 6 - Vick, Lynch, McGahee, AJ Green, and Maclin
Team 7 - Cam Newton, Green-Ellis, Harvin, Brandon Lloyd, and Antonio Gates (OUCH)
Team 8 - Aaron Rodgers, Welker, Dwayne Bowe, and uh, there is no 4th and 5th best player.  This team actually drafted Tim Tebow.  Frank Gore SUCKS.
Team 9 - Matt Ryan, McFadden, Jordy Nelson, Mike Wallace, and Pierre Garcon
Team 10 - EliTE Manning, Ahmad Bradshaw, Jamaal Charles, Larry Fitzgerald, and Hakeem Nicks

I really like Team 3 and Team 10.  I hate Team 7 and Team 7 and Team 7 once more.  Team 6 could be pretty bad as well.  In case you couldn't figure it out, I am Team 2.  Gronk cost me 2 bucks last year but 40 this year.  Oh well, as long as Brees and Gronk are 75-80% of what they were last year, I'm going to make the playoffs easily.  I like my depth, too (which you can't see).  What I lack in LEMPH, I make up for in STREMPH.

So with that, another DFL Draft is in the books and fantasy football season has officially begun.  Glory Hole!

Friday, August 17, 2012

FFF: Ask The Expert

Today’s installment of Fantasy Football Friday is an “Ask The Expert" format. Since I am the best fantasy player around, I’m giving tips. In essence, I’m playing “Just the Tip” with you losers. Iceman also came along for the ride so he can tell you how to finish dead last in the MSFL. One of us got really long-winded with his questions and answers. The other didn’t. Take a guess which is which. Anyway, here you go and feel free to ask anything in the comments and I’ll drop truth bombs on you if I feel like it. I do this because I have nothing to hide and even if you know my strategy, there is nothing that you pissfaces can do to stop me from returning to glory.

What do you make of Adrian Peterson? Where is a good spot for him to go/how much should you spend on him?
Iceman: I heard recently that AP is planning to practice within the next 2 weeks. Which tells me that he's coming back waaaaaaay too early considering his knee was fucking mutilated back in December. I know AP is supposed to always be in freakishly great shape at all times like a silverback gorilla with robot legs would be, but this seems a tad unrealistic. Even for a mutant like AP. Plus Christian Ponder is a limp dicked pussy who throws with the velocity of a retarded girl scout. The combination of those two bed sheet sized red flags tells me that AP isn't worth it this year. Even if he does play a full season (he won't) you would be lucky to see more than 800 yards out of him (which probably won't happen in a sure fire time share). There is too much evidence that exists that tells me running backs recovering from ACL/MCL surgery are never right their first year back. Most never fully make it back. If you have the fucking stones to risk it, I would target AP around the 4th or 5th round and spend no more than $20 based on a $200 cap. Play it conservative and let him be someone else’s problem if it comes to that.

It is widely known that Jay Cutler wants to have sex with's obviously why he throws so many. Knowing that Cutler is a lot like Favretard (as in he is the only person who thinks he can put it anywhere at any time regardless of the coverage), does the addition of Brandon Marshall make him more appealing to you as an every week starting QB?
G$: Yes. In fact, I think that Dennis Cutty is going to have a big year (ie. better than both Mannings). Now that Mike Martz is gone from trying to get him killed every week AND they brought in a top 5 receiver (albeit insane), I like the sulky bastard a lot.

Who has the better fantasy season: Luck or RGIII? And do either approach what Cam did?
Iceman: Not because this is your site and not because you employ me for a whopping $0 per hour, but I have to go with RGIII on this one. It's simple when you really think about it. RGIII runs a sub 4.5 forty and doesn't sound like he has peanut butter caked on the roof of his mouth when he talks. His accuracy isn't an issue and he just has better weapons around him. And that's sad to say when you look at who the "weapons" are. The fact that he's fast, black, and accurate means there's just more opportunity for him to get in the end zone and rack up yards. The only downside I can see is RGIII allowing himself to be tackled since he loves the warm embrace of several hot, sweaty men (Don't you fucking dare censor me!!). Although I see RGIII as the better option here, I don't see him coming close to doing what Cam did last year simply because RGIII doesn't have the girth to be the goal line back for Washington. This was what Cam essentially was/is for Carolina. Plus Shanahan is a total faggot so he'll probably do something incredibly queer like bring in his 8th string running back he activated off the practice squad 2 days prior to run the offense once the Skins crack the red zone.

There is a loaded gun with half of the barrel firmly lodged inside your anal cavity. The person with the finger on the trigger (me) says you have to pick TO, Randy Moss or Chad Ochofuckface for your fantasy roster. Which one saves your insides from Smith and Wesson total annihilation and why?
G$: Well, Moss is the only one actually guaranteed to make a roster this year so I’ll say him even though I want nothing to do with this guy. What kind of question is this anyway? You have a legit expert in front of you and you ask a question about receivers in their mid-30’s? Suck my butthole.

Why is everyone still nibbling on Peyton's foreskin? The guy has neck AIDS, a terrible running game, and garbage receivers. Let's not forget that his outdoor splits are sketchy at best. Are you buying into Gomer?
Iceman: Why? WHY?! I'll tells ya why. Because he's PEYTON FUCKING MANNING!! Yes. I'm buying Peyton because of one reason. He's a cocksucker. Not in the RGIII (FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!) sense but in the sense that he can't stand people saying he's lost it. Asshole perfectionists like that work tirelessly to prove naysayers wrong. They feel like they always have something to prove. They ignore their wives and pretty much beg them to fuck other men while they stare endlessly at film from Ray Lewis in high school...because there COULD be tendencies that MAY have followed him to the pros. Don't tell me watching Lil' Bro crank out a second Super Bowl victory over the family arch nemesis didn't singe Peyton's silver pubes a little. You think Peyton's okay with (fucking idiot) people saying Downs Syndrome ELI is a better quarterback? That motherfucker is going to be on a mission this year and if he can make Brandon Stokley a borderline Pro-Bowler then he can do the same with Eric Decker. There's no doubt I would draft Peyton Manning this year. If Favretard can light it up at 39, then Manning can be as good if not better at 38. a FACT!

There is a rumor that Tim Hightower is the #1 back in Washington now. After months of everyone fluffling Roy Helu and assuming he's the starter, what does this do for Helu's draft stock? As a Redskins fan, are you ready to join the millions that would love one clean shot at upper cutting Shanahan's testicles?
G$: And now you want to know about the running back situation in DC? Good God, you ask questions like someone who dreams of working for the Northwest Signal. No one is fluffing Roy Helu and no one ever has. I don’t know where you got that. My praise of him was always tongue in cheek because I like that he stills goes by Jr. He is not that starter. It could be Evan Royster or Hightower or even rookie Alfred Morris. I don’t know why anyone would count on a Redskins RB. But if you absolutely had to have one, Helu is the guy only because he is the best pass catcher and the Skins will be throwing a lot this year.

As has been said ad nauseum, the DFL Draft is tomorrow which begins the football season for me. YAY!!! My sister lives in Chicago (has for over 5 years; still have not visited her—ELITE!) and has field passes to tomorrow’s Bears/Redskins game. I was very explicit with my request for her to tell RG3 that I am IN LOVE with him (yes homo). She said that she would. She will probably want to avoid Rex Grossman though. You never want to walk out of a preseason NFL game with a kid in your belly.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

G$ Takes A Mental Health Day

KG, give me your best J-Rupe impression!  NICE!
I’ve got to be honest with ya’ll. This is starting to get harder to do every day of every week of every month for the past 6+ years (let’s hope that this is just a temporary thing). In the past, I have taken little blogging “vacations” where I have asked you guys to write a week’s worth of posts based on your horrible lives but for some dumb reason, I did not do that this year (let me know if you are willing to contribute something like that again). That was a really poor decision on my part. I’m having one of those days where I just don’t feel like doing this so I’m not going to fake it and waste everyone’s time. Yes, Fantasy Football Friday is still on tap for tomorrow with the topic being “Ask The Expert” but today you will just have to accept this shit salad that I’m leaving on your internet doorstep. Give me a little four day break from this, get through the DFL Draft without being sodomized, and Monday I can come back with all the piss and vigor that you’re used to.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to explain myself. I owe you all nothing (except for Tonya who owns my black heart).

Some possible topics to help facilitate a discussion today could be:

*The Red Sox are imploding just as I predicted. What a cunty move by those players. We don’t like the manager so we’re going to tell on him! They should keep Bobby V around just to remind those fuckers that they don’t get to make the calls around there. Bobby V isn’t under .500, YOU ARE. Terry Francona ain’t walking through that door so DEAL WITH IT.

*Who needs CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte when you have ELITE arms like Hiroki Kuroda and Derek Lowe! It didn’t take long for Lowe to wipe the Tribe-stink off of him. I like to think that Lowe wearing pinstripes is what killed Johnny Pesky. That makes me smile.

*Have we finalized golf plans yet? Is Dut the worst fantasy football commissioner of all time? Can we bring up impeachment to the Rules Committee? Wait—that’s me. You’re out, Groomed Stubble.

*I’m planning on going to the Napoleon/Defiance game (AKA the greatest rivalry in the history of the world) next Friday night which might be my first one since I graduated. Who else is in? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY TO BEAT DEFIANCE!!!

*Was watching Chad Johnson get cut the other night really hard to watch or was that just me? Even though he is a douche bag, that was tough seeing him come to grips that his NFL career was over. This is why Hard Knocks will forever be the best reality show of all time (next to Two-A-Days because Hard Knocks has yet to have a character as gripping and drunk as Repete’s Dad).

That’s it. Again, I’m sorry, but even the best in the business (that would be me) occasionally feel a little burnt out. Remember, Fab 5, to get your CFB Preview Week stuff back to me soon (Damman’s is already in). I can’t wait for that week off.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Happy Belated Birthday, Tim Tebow!!!

I can’t believe that I’m going to say this, but Brady is right. He must have gained some common sense from watching Derek Lowe throw 4 ELITE innings against the Rangers on Monday night! His point was that this is mid-August and we should not be talking about bouncy ball. We should be talking footbawwwwww!!! I tend to agree so I am going to indulge him. But, at this site, no thirst can be quenched without trolling hard.

In case you missed yesterday’s round the clock coverage of the always irrelevant New York Jets, yesterday was Tim Tebow’s 25th birthday! Oh, the joy on Sal Paolantonio’s dipshit face could hardly be contained! He wasn’t even holding a microphone for his 21st straight day of LIVE coverage from Jets camp. Nope, that mic was being held up with his throbbing old man boner and dried spit. ‘Twas a wonderful day for America, indeed, to celebrate the birth anniversary of our favorite son!

For a man born in The Philippines, he sure has made something out of his existence. Timmy Tens stormed onto the pop culture scene by defeating the always awesome RUSH PROPST during MTV’s short-lived but ELITE reality series about high school football in Alabama, Two-A-Days. Then he took his unbroken hymen to Gainesville where he morphed into a title winning, Heisman owning, and pussy avoiding football factory of greatness. For some reason, there was a Super Bowl ad against abortion randomly stuffed into this timeline, too. I’m not quite sure how that got in here though. We all had a good chuckle when the really stupid Josh McDaniels traded back up into the first round of the draft and made Big Time Timmy Tens the “question mark” of the Broncos future.

McDaniels got fired because he was a disaster. John Elway bought the team with all the money he saved up from selling hydroponics (always one of my favorite rumors). John Fox came in with his wild gum chewing. The Kyle Orton Express chugged away numerous bottle of Jack and thus got benched. Tenor was unleashed on the world. #15 played some of the worst QB that you will ever see but it never seemed to matter. He always made plays when it counted. It all culminated on that lovely January Sunday evening when he absolutely shredded that vaunted Steelers defense (as I promised he would for weeks) and gave us the greatest football game of the 2011-12 season. And when that Thomas guy reached the end zone, Grumpy’s wallet got a lot thinner and our guts got a lot larger (except for Brady of course). Tenor was the man! Tenor sent the Steelers home! WE ALL LOVED TENOR! He was the “Kate Upton’s tits” of human beings!

Who cares if he has never had a drink or a gash or swore? Who cares that the Patriots fucking destroyed him the following week? Who cares that he has the accuracy of David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger off the floor? He was OUR guy!

But then John Elway and his stupid horse teeth ruined all of that by signing old NeckAIDS and sending Teebs off to the bad New York team. Would Tim be able to handle the spotlight of NYC? How soon before he replaces Mark Sanchez? Would the already insufferable media surrounding him make this hero a villain? I think that we know the answer to that last one. Which is why today, on August 15th, I can officially come out and scream…

FUCK TIM TEBOW! Fuck you hard. I hope that you fail at everything and fail miserably. YOU SUCK YOUR OWN DICK. I am sick and fucking tired of your hourly updates. I am sick and fucking tired of your punt team breakdowns. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing about this secret wildcat offense than Tony Sparano’s moronic ass has designed just for you that isn’t going to work. GO AWAY. GO AWAY NOW.

I used to think that it wasn’t your fault that people wanted a piece of you but I don’t feel that way anymore. You are a prima donna just like everyone else in the league. It all changed for me when you decided to go running out in the rain during camp without a shirt on. You know, just like everyone else. What the fuck was the point of that? It was pouring outside. I’m quite sure that there are treadmills in your weight room. You knew damn well that that parking lot was crawling with cameras. No, you did that to promote yourself and, to me, that will forever destroy your wholesome image. Now I want to see Sanchez slip a roofie in your muscle milk and then have one of his 15 year old girlfriends take your virginity. I WANT THIS ALL TO END. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. KILL SAL!

But I am not made of steel, Tim Tenor.  My opinions tend to fluctuate.  I can go from love to hate at the drop of Tony Romo's stupid backwards Starter hat.  I noticed that your new team is playing in Pittsburgh on week two this year.  If you win that game AND play a significant role in doing so, I will be back on Team Tenor in no time.  But if not, I will see to it that Holly Mangold has a six hour weightlifting session and then queefs directly into your mouth.  I am not messing around.  This is the only way to get back into my good graces.

The football season is less than a month away and the only thing the people want to talk about is the back-up quarterback on a 6 win team. That’s fucked up. RibFest was a great time and all, but it isn’t something that I want to talk about everyday for the rest of my life. Happy birthday, Tenor, now go act like you can play quarterback again like a good boy.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Love America! And the NBA!

                                     It's what draws Colin Cowherd in.

A lot has happened in the NBA since we last talked basketball so despite the ire of some readers here, we'll tackle some NBA topics today.  You know...because I don't really give a fisting fuck if you don't like the NBA.  Just like you guys don't give a shit that baseball is for faggots.  I just hope you can concentrate on the content over the sound of Brady's blown out, gushing baby barfer.  While G$ finishes up that Hammer and Sickle tramp stamp tattoo he's been dreaming of getting ever since he decided he hates America, let's discuss some recent NBA news.

-I'm sorry, asshole media.  LA is not the favorite to win the championship this year because of all the average moves they've made.  And shut the fuck up...they are average moves.  Clutch your pacemakers, gang because you'll never guess who's leading the "LA will win the title this year" crusade.  The west coast's favorite dick licker son, Colon Cowfucker!  Give him a solid punch in the balls, everyone!  All right!  Seriously...what did LA really do?  They traded Bynum for Howard and got a hell of lot older with the rest of the pieces they brought in.  People keep tugging on Steve Nash's bag and don't get me wrong, he's great.  But the guy is 38 years old.  I really don't see him putting up career numbers at that age.

Here's where I'm at on this "name collecting" thing that LA is in the process of doing.  A starting lineup that goes, 38, 33, 32, 26 and 36 looks like a roster that's the favorite to win a shuffle board tournament at a retirement home...not an NBA title.  What big name free agent will they target next?  Dennis Rodman?  Well you're in luck because I think he's just about out of drug money and isn't famous enough where prostitutes will fuck his bumpy pole for the "superstar" price anymore.  Shit be gettin expensive, N-Word!  Will LA make the playoffs?  Sure.  Will they win a series or two.  Perhaps.  But youth owns this league and these geriatric fucks don't stand a chance to bring home another title.

-Speaking of assholes.  I find it very interesting now that Howard finally cunted his way out of Orlando, he's not getting nearly the backlash that Lebron did.  Unless I'm TOTES missing it.  Isn't what Howard did to worm his way out of Orlando way worse than anything Lebron ever did to Cleveland?  I know it's gonna be hard for the Cavs followers here to put their burning torches away and focus the hate towards another player, but I would love to hear what you guys think.  Who is the bigger heartless dick bag here?

-Jermaine O'Neal signed a free agent deal with the Phoenix Suns.  No real news here.  Just wanted to ease the minds of the 7 Jermaine O'Neal fans out there that thought he may have died.  As this news suggests...he is indeed alive.  Barely.  And Phoenix is using him to get rid themselves of the few thousand people that still give a rat fart that city still has a professional basketball team.  This doesn't even deserve a LOLZ.  It's more depressing than anything else.

-One thing I've learned is that if I have any crack pot, nutty as fucking shit idea for any silly ass invention I may have dreamed up while masturbating in the shower, the only person I plan on targeting to invest in my sure to fail product is Michael Jordan.  Jordan is about to lose $1.5 million on an investment for a gym that is about to be foreclosed on.  Normally this isn't big news but I must report any time Michael Jordan looks like a retarded asshole.  Why?  Because he's an arrogant, cock sucking, dickless poop head that needs to be humbled.  You may be good at basketball, Michael, but you suck at everything else up to and including: marriage, being a dad, raising decent society contributing men, hall of fame speeches, owning a basketball team, evaluating talent, etc.  That list could go on for days.  Basically what I'm saying is that I hope Michael Jordan gets AIDS so he can fail at being alive, too.

That's all I've got for today.  I'm pretty eager to hear what the Cleveland fans here think of Dwight Howard and how you compare it to Lebron dumping your sorry asses.  I was also going to talk more about how G$ has posters of Chinese gymnasts on his wall instead of American heroes but I don't want word spreading too much and the guy getting deported.  I don't have the energy to post 5 days a week here.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Leaf Penalties, Headbutts, and ELITE Celebrations!

Last week, I mentioned my feelings about how amputees should not be competing in The Olympics.  I stand by that but, once again, this blog crept into my real life unexpectedly.  I was walking the dog Friday night after work and some shirtless chap was running toward us.  As he got closer, it became very apparent that he was missing something.  Yep, no arm--just a nub.  I figured that the word was out and amputees were declaring war against ol' G$.  But he smiled and said hello and did not try to murder me with his stump.  So take that.  Amputees and I are cool with each other after all.  Anyway, there were three fairly big stories from the weekend that I wanted to cover today.
Why the fuck would you want The Wanemacher Trophy, Rory?
*The PGA Championship.  It's not over yet but I'm just going to assume that Rory McIlroy won't choke away a six shot lead.  In reality, I just want to see Shane-O-Mac celebrate with Pube Head again after winning a tournament.  I'm not one of those knobs who will rhetorically ask if Tiger is back because it's stupid since he is playing just fine.  He's been in the mix in all of the majors this year at some point even though his play on Saturday/Sunday has been quite awful.  It's weird to see that.  He'll figure it out though.  I'm not too worried about old Perkins Dick.  What I do want to bitch about is the garbage "gentleman" rules of the game of golf.  Carl Pettersson is a big fat ass who admitted that he is a much better player when is chunky so maintains his whale status.  He was in the final group on Sunday with Rory and some other asshole.  During the first hole, Carl's backswing kicked up a dead leaf that landed on his ball before he hit it.  He was penalized two strokes for this.  TWO STROKES for a LEAF landing on his ball before impact.  For as much fun as it is to play a round with your boyzzzzz and beerzzzzz, the actual rules of the sport are absolutely fucktarded.  I don't know if Pettersson would have won the tournament yesterday but I do know that that stupid penalty killed him.  He should have had Vince McMahon be his caddy to neutralize Shane in Rory's corner.  Everything in life should have some aspect of the WWE involved.
*Chad Johnson is a wonderful husband.  Uh oh, word broke on Saturday night that the former Ocho was arrested for some misdemeanor domestic violence after head-butting his wife, Evelyn, in their car.  Apparently, they were arguing over a receipt for condoms which is a very Chad Johnson thing to argue about.  After watching the premiere of Hard Knocks last week, Chad seemed very likable again after his no-show season last year.  I was ready to hop back on his bandwagon.  Now he's treating his wife like a pro wrestling opponent.  Little does he know that the head butt rarely leads to a pin.  A powerbomb is a much more effective move.  Miami should probably cut him now but they are a horribly run franchise and I assume that they will do nothing.  Either way, this week's Hard Knocks is going to be amazing.  If Joe Philbin (who looks eerily like former Toledo area sportscaster, Jim Tichy) doesn't like Chad cursing so much, he sure as shit isn't going to like him pummeling his missus with his bald dome.
*The US men's basketball team won gold again.  I'm not going to lie that I was rooting against my country.  I don't care where they were born; I'm not going to root for Lebron, Kobe, and Coach K ever.  I watched all of the gold medal game.  Spain's coach has to be the dumbest for leaving Marc Gasol in the game after he picked up his third foul with 6 minutes left in the 2nd quarter only to see him pick up #4 a few possessions later and thus eliminating the only STREMPH that Spain had over the Americans.  The European Mexicans fought hard behind the ELITE three point shooting of Juan-Carlos "Brown Jesus Christ" Navarro but didn't have enough as everyone expected.  Any doubts that I had about rooting against my own country were squashed once Coach K celebrated by jumping up and down like a goddamn lunatic as if he had a hard job or something.  I hate Coach K.  This game would have been so much better if Coach Areola on the other bench knew that his best player was in foul trouble.  Or that Serge Ibaka is a world class player and not someone to be buried on the bench.  I hope that that guys gets gored by bulls.

I don't know how to end this post today without just putting a never-ending string of Coach K jump around gif's.  I might as well just mention that on the signature par 3 18th at Minerva Lake on Saturday, I put my tee shot within 6-8 feet of an ace (possibly the best tee shot of my life).  Somehow I made the birdie putt as well.  Considering that I was playing like shit, it was nice to end well.  Minerva is such a piece of shit but I love it so.  I'll finish things up with the brief conversation that I had with -Rex after he gave me a beer on the front nine.

G$: I was going to bring some beer, too, but I, uh...didn't.
-Rex: That should be Monday's post.

Friday, August 10, 2012

FFF: You, Sir, are OVERRATED!

I'll take Otto Graham please.
For this week’s installment of Fantasy Football Friday, we get to dig into one of the staples of this fine site: dudes being OVERRATED. But first, how about we address the topic of women playing fantasy football? Now, I’m an old-fashioned sort when it comes to this fine sport. I don’t like mixing vaginas in with the all powerful football dongs. I firmly believe that a fantasy football league is like a stag party—no broads allowed unless they are strippers/prostitutes (preferably both). Every year about this time, She$ always likes to give me pointers on who she likes for the coming season and who I should be drafting. It’s always hilarious because the only players that she knows seem to be Tony Romo, Tom Brady, and, for whatever reason, Donald Driver. She has told me to draft that old corpse for the Packers for the past three years. When he scores his annual two touchdowns per season, you better believe that I hear about it.

Anyway, she got a text from Berger’s wife the other night about joining an all women’s fantasy league. I could not have been more supportive and encouraging. I’m tired of her acting like what we do is easy and that it is stupid to get mad when the always terrible Nate Washington catches two garbage touchdown passes when your dumbass opponent starts him. It’s time for them to band together and realize how much game time decisions and bye weeks and inclement weather suck to deal with. They need to learn this if only so that they will know how hard it is and that WE ARE ATH-A-LETES! She didn’t ask for it anyway but I was quick to tell her that I would not help at all. That is her team; not mine. I’ll let you know when there are Thursday night games (which there are a ton of this year) but that is it. And if you even think about starting a guy on a bye week, you’re sleeping in the garage. Respect the game, woman, for we play to win titles in this house! Oh, who am I kidding, she’s going to take Donald Driver in the first round, isn’t she?

But I think that this is the only acceptable way for women to break the barrier of fantasy football…by doing it themselves. Don’t suck on the teat of your man and hope that he can convince people to give you a shot in his league. Seek your own glory amongst yourselves and make me a fucking sandwich already. Check that, we’re coming into football season, make me some sort of nacho dip. Now, onto the OVERRATEDs:

QB – Cameron “Mr. Ace Boogie” Newton. No one wants to admit this, but Cam’s rookie season was a tale of two halves. He was insanely ELITE and wildly entertaining in the first 8 games, but extremely average the rest of the way. His rushing prowess covered up some fairly awful QB play. Now I don’t necessarily believe that he isn’t still a sick QB, but I would lessen expectations if I were you. He still doesn’t have very good receiving options (at least not ones that are in their prime). They didn’t sign Mike Tolbert just to sit him either (to go along with DeAngelo Bates and J-Stew). If you think that Cam is going to be carrying the ball on the goal line again this year then you are an idiot. They don’t want to get this guy killed. He’s a top ten QB for sure, but he isn’t a top 5 guy like most are projecting. Proceed with caution and know that 2012 Cam is not going to be what first half of 2011 Cam was. I’m looking at you, Dut.

RB – DeMarco Murray. This needs to stop right now. Listen to me when I scream this at you: THIS GUY IS NOT GOOD. He ran over the assRams for 200 yards last year and then broke his cunt. Why are people acting like he is the second coming of Emmitt Smiff? I can tell you what’s going to happen for this guy. He’s going to get 12 carries a game because the Cowboys don’t run the ball ever and he will end up getting hurt again. Congratulations, you just spent a second round pick/$40 on Felix Jones, Jr. For ten bucks and an 8th rounder, you could have had the original Felix Jones! Seriously, Dallas only passes the ball except for two games a year when the media starts bitching about them passing all the time. This happens EVERY year. Don’t be the guy in your league that reaches for this stiff.  His 2011 season was about as phony as Bobby Petrino's apology yesterday.

WR – Andre Johnson. Iceman covered this guy (who I’m going to start calling Half Season) on Tuesday. He costs #1 receiver dollars/positioning but never is worth it. When are people going to learn that having sick skills is great but not when you’re constantly in street clothes. Obviously, there is a time and a place for all of these guys where it makes sense for you to take them, but Half Season isn’t going to make it past the second round and you should be happy that you weren’t the one to reach for him.

TE – Antonio Gates. My least favorite college basketball player of all time (no one else is even close) has had quite a productive NFL career. He isn’t going into the Hall of Fame, but still a very solid tenure in the league. That being said, it’s over. Yeah, you’ll still see some glimpses but you know that his horrible toes and feet will fuck with him and you for at least 10 games causing you to wonder why you spent a 4th round pick on the 10th best tight end. Don’t do it. Don’t pay the price for past successes. I could say the same thing about #18 in Denver. Let someone else have him. You will be better off.

K/DEF – Uh, don’t draft the Browns defense and Graham Gano sucks. You’re welcome.

I’m furious that the NFL Network had preseason football on last night and shafted the world out of seeing RG3 invade Buffalo! Weak! No one wants to watch the Packers and Chargers. Give us the Super Bowl 26 rematch or the rematch from last year when John Beck got sacked NINE fucking times up in Toronto. Don’t worry though; NFL Network is replaying it at 4 pm today. I DVR’ed it because I am ELITE and preseason football is my bag, baby. I hope that you learned something today. Late!