Thursday, May 31, 2012

All NBA Thursday!

Iceman say WHAT?!?!?!
As I promised yesterday, today will be chock full o’ NBA talk since the playoffs aren’t getting hot and heavy the lottery was held last night. I sort of made a promise to myself not to discuss basketball again until the DREADFUL Sixers/Celtics series ended. That was BAD hoops. Those two teams would get their shit kicked by the team that Uncle Drew took to school, YOUNG BLOOD! So thank God that that is over. I’m writing this in two parts as the on-court stuff will be written around 4 while the lotto results will be around 9. I don’t know why I felt the need to mention this. It literally served no purpose. Maybe if the Cavs get the #1 pick, you will then understand why I’m closing with that as opposed to leading with it. Yeah, that’s the ticket. And I got to pump my word count! Anyway…

So we’re all in agreement that it’s going to be the Spurs and Heat, right? I mean, you literally have to be Corky from Life Goes On (still a great reference!) to think otherwise. I wasn’t really sold that a focused Heat team would ever have much trouble getting through the East. The Pacers gave us some hope but all that Danny Granger’s faux tough guy act did was awake a sleeping giant. Out West, most of America would love to see the Thunder and Heat go at it for a title but that ain’t happening. The Spurs are just too good. You know, for the longest time I absolutely loathed watching the Spurs. I thought that they were boring and dull but I have to say that I’ve come around on them. I actually find myself rooting FOR them now. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I believe that they would crush Miami or that they play the game the right way or that the franchise is all class (with the exception of some flops and whines). I don’t know what it is, but I like them. A few notes from the conference Finals:

*Even if Iceman put on a Jerry Sandusky costume and walked into an inner-city elementary school, he wouldn’t be more wrong than he is about the Spurs. They’ve won 20 games in a row, destroy everything in their path, have zero weaknesses, the best coach in the game, and a strong homecourt advantage…but for some reason he is not buying it. Dude, get a fucking clue. This multiple championship team is ELITE.

*Moses Malone once made the phrase “Fo-Fo-Fo” famous as a quasi-guarantee that his Sixers wouldn’t lose a game in the playoffs. He was just a little wrong as they lost one but I would not be shocked at all if San Antonio completes a perfect 16-0 postseason. I would not be surprised one bit. These guys just take care of business.

*One reason that I don’t like the Thunder at all is because Scott Brooks pretty much just bends over for Pop and lets him keep pounding until the pounding is done. Brooks just reacts to everything that the Spurs do. He’s always on the defensive and that philosophy never wins (case in point – Mike Brown coaches this way). That should teach Brooks a lesson since his stupid face showed up in seemingly every pack on 1989 SkyBox basketball cards that I bought. Stupid Scott Brooks!

*Out East, the Celtics will be lucky to win one game. That is what happens when you fuck around and let an average Philly team take you to a 7th game. But then again, Boston isn’t all that great anymore. Ray Allen is shooting worse than me. Avery Bradley is injured which leads to Sasha Pavlovic getting burn (that is NEVER good). Paul Pierce is (insert random Iceman Pierce insult). Rondo is an enigma. The only one consistently playing worth a shit is known faggot and white guy hater, KG.

*Let’s just ignore the fact that they can barely break 80 points with this roster for a second and focus on the truth that they have NOBODY that can stop LeBron AND Wade. Not just stop, they don’t have a player that can even slow those two down. This is a horrible match-up for Glenn Rivers and Company and they are about to be sent home soon enough.

*I absolutely can not wait for the Popovich/Spoelstra duel. That is going to be hilarious. Do you think that Stephen Jackson will have something up his sleeve for LeBron? How funny will it be to see Mario Chalmers compete against Tony Parker? Duncan vs. Bosh? Manu vs. Wade? Matt Bonner vs. Juwan Howard!!! That is ratings gold. So, yeah, Spurs/Heat is going to happen unless you are stupid like The Iceman and want to believe that a team that has won 20 in a row will now lose 4 of their next 5.

Now let’s move onto the lottery!!!

FUCK!!!  I got so damn excited as the teams were being called off.  #4 is a bit disappointing but the Cavs should be able to get Beal or MKG there.  Just stay the fuck away from Andre Drummond and Thomas Robinson would be pointless.  Damn, the lottery is a pretty fun watch though.  Nick Gilbert is dead to me!!!

Yeah, but don't worry about the NBA ever becoming clean because Anthony Davis is going to the team owned by the NBA.  Hilarious.  I love how crooked this league is.  They screw the Hornets out of that Lakers trade in the Summer but reward them with Unibrow.  Don't ever change, David Stern.  Tom Benson is the fucking worst.  Look at that asshole!  Where is his queerbate umbrella?

Anyway, I'm done for today.  I have to get back to reading The Hunger Games just like LeBron because he so cool.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It Was A Year Ago Today...

On May 30th, 2011, the college football coaching fraternity lost one of its most esteemed members when Gentleman Jim Tressel was shit-canned by Ohio State.  I'm sorry, he "retired".  Oh, what a glorious day that was.  We laughed and laughed and laughed at how corrupt the Fuckeyes were and still are (probably).  But the dust has obviously settled after a completely worthless interim season and after one more waste of time, Ohio should be ready to roll again.

So my question for you today, Fuckeye fans, is this: Now that a little time has passed and the ship seems to be back on course under new leadership, what are your opinions on Jim Tressel now?  If I recall, there wasn't too much negative feedback here toward Tress compared to what else was out there among the mouth-breathers.  I'm just curious to see what some of you think about him now.  I only ask because it is the one year anniversary and the radio guys were discussing yesterday when would be an acceptable amount of time to welcome him back (they sort of settled on the 20 year reunion of the national fluke team).  Thoughts?

I've got the rest of my posts planned for the week so you're just getting a couple quick hitters today.

*The Miami Dolphins are this years Hard Knocks team - Whatever.  No one else wanted to do it other than Jacksonville and I'd rather watch the Frankfurt Galaxy over them.  There are only three things surrounding the Dolphins that I care about.
--Is Reggie Bush a cocksucker or a pussy slayer?
--Will Joe Philbin acknowledge my post inferring that Tom Rinaldi murdered his son?
--Will Dan Carpenter apologize to me for costing me a fantasy title two years ago when, in week 16 (or 15), he missed four field goals and I lost by 11 points?
The Dolphins fucking suck.

*Nick Fairley is the worst - Two arrests this offseason!  Now we see why no one wanted him two years ago.  It was not a savvy pick by Schwartz, it was a terrible one.  At least Fairley's contrasting mugshot photos were hilarious...just like his play on the field.

*The Stanley Cup playoffs begin tonight - Whoever wins this will have a Miami University alum hoisting the Cup (Andy Greene for the Devils or Alex Martinez for the Kings).  I like that.  And although I usually root for all things Jersey to embarrass themselves, I just can't root for LA.  I hate Jeff Carter that much.  He embodies every characteristic that a sane person would hate in a pro athlete.  I guarantee that he would hang out with the HarBRAHS.

*Ohio State and Marquette are like a screen door on a submarine - Cool idea but I have no idea why these two schools are targeted to play basketball on an aircraft carrier in Charleston, SC.  UNC/Sparty was sweet.  This?  MEH!

*Fuck you, New York media - It took me longer than most, but I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about Tim Tebow.  He is no longer a Tenor to me.  I don't hate him, but I am no longer on his bandwagon.  He is just sort of there now.  And this is through no fault of his own.  Just like everything else in my life, I blame Peter King.

*Good God, it's happening - Did you hear about that guy in Florida who got arrested because he was tripping bad and was attempting to eat some guy's face off?  It's a good thing that I already know that we're all infected!  That zombie should have started the apocalypse off with a bang by going after Lori and Carl Grimes first.  I bet that their stupid faces are delicious.

OK, that's it for today.  Now let's all pray to Nick Gilbert that he still has the magic touch and can deliver the Unibrow to the Cleve this evening.  I didn't proofread this at all so if there are any typos, it was your fault and not mine.  Just know that.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Angry Rant Volume 1

           "These last 3 months of being a Kansas fan have been EXHAUSTING!"

Let's see if I can piece something interesting together today.  I think I may have broken my brain yesterday with the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed.  My guess is it had something to do with the 32 oz. mixed drinks I started pounding at 2PM.  But you will all be happy to know that I achieved my goal of being a retarded mess by 10PM.  The GF wasn't as proud of that as I currently am. Thank you Memorial Day weekend for allowing me the opportunity to drink like a college kid again.

Oh.  And while I remember...go fuck yourself Facebook for those stupid fucking posters getting plastered all over by mindless mouth breathing shit eaters.  Thanks for the reminder that Memorial Day isn't National BBQ day because I almost fucking forgot the purpose behind this holiday.  Fucking cunts.  Just because we like to grill out when the warm weather permits us to does not mean we have gone completely fucking brain dead and have successfully mentally erased the true meaning behind this holiday.  What would you rather I do to celebrate?  Dig a foxhole in my front yard?  Rig my property with land mines?  Build a sniper tower?  Watch the Band of Brothers marathon dressed up like General Patton while randomly barking out racial obscenities?  Rip off my own 21 gun salute in the middle of Central Avenue?  Go stab a Korean with a home made bayonet?  Jesus Christ, people.  Stop being so God damn uptight.  No one's disrespecting the military and those who sacrificed for our freedom by eating four hot dogs then getting blacked the fuck out drunk.  So we certainly don't need "motivational posters" letting us know how despicable you think we are.  So once again...get fucked.  MAN I feel better.  Wooo!

Fuck it...let's just stick with ranting today.  I noticed this yesterday and really never knew how much this shit bothered me.  I'll set the stage.  Yesterday as I was trying to rid the world of it's alcohol overpopulation problem, a few friends came over to help me fight the good fight.  Teamwork, right?  So...let's call him Randy...comes over and instantly grabs the remote and changes it to the Tigers game.  I didn't bitch because it was a lot better option than the mind rotting trash that was on before that my GF happened to be watching.  I don't remember exactly what the show was...I just remember blowing off my own fucking testicles with a potato gun sounded like a better scenario.  At that point, I welcomed the baseball match.  I think the Tigers were up by a point.

So about five innings in, Randy's girlfriend (let's call her Bridgette) sits down and starts watching the game with everyone.  Now, I've known Bridgette for about 2 years now and the one thing she hates more than common sense and rational deductive reasoning is all things sports.  And when I say hate, I'm talking hates sports more than I hate poison.  And I don't think I need to tell you all how much I hate poison.  All of a sudden, Bridgette stands up and starts violently shouting at the TV when some terrible player hit into a double play to end the inning.  After that she keeps telling Randy to check out the replays and attempts to break down the plays with Costas like precision annoyance.  I was flabbergasted.

Now...I'm all for girls enjoying sports.  Hell, I encourage the fuck out of that shit.  I've successfully turned my GF into a Browns fan so I have someone to be fucking miserable with until the day I die.  I've even convinced her to join a fantasy football league I'm in (pretty damn proud of that one) so I can essentially get back from her all of the money I've spent on her over the last two years.  I know...I'm a pretty incredible guy!  But here's where I draw the motherfucking line.  Do NOT act like you've been a fan of that team since birth and pretend to care to the point where you get bulging vein, red faced screaming at the TV when we all know in 45 minutes you could give a flying fuck about the outcome of that game.  You've only been watching this sport for as long as you have been with your current boyfriend.  So how could you possibly care on the same psychotic level as said boyfriend does in that short amount of time?  It took all of us YEARS to perfect raving lunacy about our teams.  Acting like you've achieved that status in a year and a half is just fucking insulting.  To everyone.  Just because your boyfriend gets that way doesn't mean you have to get that way.  We (at least I do) actually prefer if you don't get that way.  Be the silent wallflower.  We need someone to balance us out.  There's only room for one loud mouth, overly obsessed crazy fucking idiot when it pertains to sports in a relationship.  Any more than one and you'll end up fist fighting the person you're with once emotions start running a little hot.

But here's the main reason you don't do that.  At some point this will happen:  Awhile back I was wearing a Michigan football t-shirt in a bar and this cunty fucking whore prances up and starts talking shit to me about how Ohio is better.  She was sure to add that she's an Ohio fan because her boyfriend is.  Like you needed to tell me that.  That fact was more obvious than a banana being dick shaped.  So.  Being the equal rights kinda guy that I am, I instantly started letting her have it from every angle.  You talk shit about my team...I'm defending them.  It's how most of us are wired.  DEAL WITH IT.  So what does she do?  She runs off and fuckin tattles on me to her boyfriend.  Then he has to play Mr. Tough Tits and confront me about it.  My closing argument was simple:  I said, if you don't want me verbally embarrassing your girlfriend in a crowd of several strangers, tell her to keep her mouth shut about shit she has no clue about.  At that point I think it started to make sense to him and he shuffled off to give her a lesson in shutting the fuck up.  Don't be that girl.  You just look stupid when you put your 18 month sport knowledge up against a grizzled vet of 15+ years.  And you could potentially get your boyfriend's shit kicked.  So fucking stop it already.

And one final thing...if you're going to pretend to get all bunged up when your fake favorite team isn't playing up to the absurd lofty expectations you've set for least scream the right name.  Loudly cursing BRIAN Raburn's name makes you look like an even bigger shit head than normal.  Because no one knows who the fuck Brian Raburn is.  Because he's NOT A REAL FUCKING PLAYER!  Well, I guess you could make the argument that neither is Ryan Raburn.  According to Tigers fans, he sounds pretty fucking worthless.  Holy shit, guys.  I feel so much better.  We need to do this more often.  I hope you all enjoyed your National BBQ day as much as I did.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Open Forum: Summer Creeping

Oh, hello there, nearly nude Kate Upton
It’s the day before our first three day weekend in a long ass time so I’m not going to waste your (and more importantly MY) time with frivolous posts on topics that barely warrant discussion. Instead, I am hosting an open forum today on one of America’s favorite national pastimes…Being A Pervert.

Memorial Day is officially (I guess) the start of summer. I know that the pool in my neighborhood finally opens this weekend so that’s enough proof for me. One thing before we get started and this goes to the zero ladies that read this site: If you have any doubt at all if you can pull off a bikini in public then you CAN NOT pull off a bikini in public. This is a huge issue in the Midwest. Nobody needs to see your inadvertent impression of Paul Pierce minus the stab wounds. I know for a fact that I can not work the Borat man-kini (great visual though) so I don't wear one. It's pretty simple logic, heifers.

Anyway, with the start of the summer months comes skimpier clothing options which leads to more excellent and vivid spank bank material. The point of today’s quick post is for all of us creeps to share what we like and dislike regarding the summer fashion trends of women that want nothing to do with any of us.

YES! - Short white shorts! As one of America’s finest “ass men”, I’m a huge fan of anything that focuses my attention on the turd cutter. In my personal opinion (Demetrius!), short white shorts are ELITE! Is she free-balling? Thong-diggity? What’s going on down there? And then I become self-aware that I’m two inches away from this chick’s ass and have been for 45 minutes. Good times.

NO! – Big Sunglasses! I hate big sunglasses and I feel like Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton brought this plague to America’s youth. They take up half of a broad’s face and sometimes more! It’s next to impossible to tell if the girl that you are eye-banging is even relatively attractive. They might as well be wearing a mask. Big sunglasses, you go to Hell. You go to Hell and you die!

Time for the rest of you sketchy pricks to share some turn-ons and turn-offs. Don’t worry; we’re not here to judge. Unless, of course, you say “little boys—YES!” Don’t say that. Let’s teach women a lesson today on how to give us throbbing boners. It’s what Memorial Day is all about.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

College Football Riblets

Farooq says "GO NOLES!"
Whenever I am struggling to come up with a post idea, it never hurts to just scroll the college football section over at ESPN and usually something there will tickle my taint. And while I don’t particularly care all that much about college football, I know that most of you do. So today you are getting a wide array of recent college football stories because May is always chock full o’ college football nuggets.

Future Big Ten schedules have been announced – If you care about this then you are a sad person. I read an article in which some dumb writer was complaining that an entire class of Huskers and Buckeyes would never play against each other (unless redshirting) because, you know, this is a rivalry all of a sudden. How can Jim Delany deprive America of another classic Nebraska/Ohio State showdown that we’ve seen a full ONE TIME over the past however many years and it wasn’t all that great the first time around.

Ohio State and Michigan are still consistent – Another unnecessary press release out this week is that these two teams will continue to play the most overrated game of all time at noon on the last Saturday of the Big Ten season just like they have forever except for the one time when both teams were good. Got it? Nothing has changed and it never will. Good.

Florida State thinks that they are wanted – It sounds like the Noles are tired of underachieving in the ACC every year and have set their sights on greener pa$ture$. This probably would have been a big deal before fans started putting FOR SALE signs in Bobby Bowden’s front lawn (my favorite act of fan vigilantism). Let’s face it; the Noles are nothing special anymore. They don’t sellout at home. They aren’t even an ELITE program in a bad conference. They have no swag. It sounds like they aren’t even going to bother asking the SEC since, I assume, Florida will try to block them anyway. The Big 12 is the rumored move right now. I don’t know, I haven’t been clamoring to see FSU take on K-State and Iowa State. Should the Big Ten get involved here and do some wooing? Academically, this would not work at all but who knows.

The Plus-One is going to happen – Since the Big Ten doesn’t want the Rose Bowl to ever die, the SEC and Big 12 decided to send their champions off to a bowl game of their own to play. The 4 big conferences are doing what everyone expected them to do. Yep, it’s coming.

Penn State rewards the Paternos – Is it just me or should all (or at least more than 1.5) of JoePa’s 13.4 million dollar pension go to charity or something? That’s blood money. That’s broken anal hymen blood money!

Steve Everitt might be right? – The name sounds familiar but I can’t place a face to it though. I guess that this Everitt guy played on the OL for Michigan awhile back and was pretty good. He went on local radio up in Michigan a few days ago and proclaimed that Ohio State was “stuck” with Braxton Miller at QB and that they were pretty much doomed. Miller is an interesting cat and clearly a polarizing figure. We’ve seen flashes of greatness. We’ve seen more shit though. Craig Krenzel says that he has perfect mechanics but he voluntarily wears cowboy boots so his opinion is meaningless. We’ll see, I suppose, but if you made me bet, I’d predict good but not great and less successful than TP.

Plenty of talking points today for this slow time of year. You aren’t getting better than this anywhere else on the internet. And that includes BangBus. Oh, and RIP Bill Stewart…I hope that Urban Meyer was paying attention.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Unsolved Ohio Mysteries

Please find our 472 year old weirdo, Mr. Stack.
Do you remember back a few months ago when Dut disappeared from the comment section for a few weeks and nobody cared because he’s just being lazy and doesn’t want to take an extra ten seconds to comment from his phone? Well now we have a real crisis as (at the time of me writing this up) one of our own is officially “internet missing”. Oh sure, Grumpy is still posting racist and homophobic propaganda at his site, but that could have been queued up days ago. Something isn’t right here. We can all live without Dut (who is OBVZ only considering a move to Charlotte to get closer to Carl Edwards) but I’m not sure about the old man. He must be found. This is shaping up to be the toughest case in the history of the internet. Where are you, Grumpy?

UPDATE #1 - As of 7 pm last night, Grumpy was NOT listed in the Obituary section of the Cincinnati Enquirer.  That's good news!
UPDATE #2 - At the request of Mr. Ace, Grump has replaced Urban in the banner.  Good idea.  This is our version of plastering his face on a milk carton.

As a horrible transition, there’s another Ohio-based story that offers way more questions than answers. I talked on Monday about how sick new Reds closer Aroldis Chapman is. He is so nasty. Anyway, he had an interesting weekend. He was named the team’s closer on Saturday or Sunday. He got his first save against the Yankees on Sunday afternoon. The team flew back to Cincy that same day as they were to begin a big 4 game series with the Braves on Monday. Sounds simple, right? Well, somehow things got weird in the middle.
I just don't understand the concept of "bling"
At 12:40 AM on Monday morning, Chapman was pulled over on I-71 in Grove City (home of ELITE bloggers) after doing 93 in a 65 (I assume by Stringtown Road; not to be confused with Goosetown Road which does not actually exist but would be a horrible place). He was arrested once it was discovered that his Kentucky driver’s license was expired. That is what we know. Also, we have learned recently that some dumbass criminal in his native Cuba (Dennis Castro perhaps?) is suing him for 18 million dollars. Yeah, good luck collecting that debt, Dennis.

OK, this story makes no sense to me. What the fuck is Chapman doing driving up to Columbus in the middle of the night? Was he trying to check out the new patio at The Stube before they closed? I highly doubt that there are more than 3 Cubans living in central Ohio and he doesn’t speak any English so, again, what the fuck? It was about pussy, wasn’t it? It had to be. Or was he coming to get me? He got pulled over less than 4-5 miles from where I sleep at night! I WAS STILL AWAKE, TOO! Aroldis Chapman is an assassin sent by LeBron James to collect my scalp. HOLY SHIT, Miami and Cuba are basically next door fucking neighbors. This all makes sense now. LeBron brought Chapman into this country to rid the world of me. But he made one huge error in his plan: thinking that the state of Kentucky would ever give a valid driver’s license to a Cuban refugee! I win again!  AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

But seriously, even though we will never get the truth behind this, it interests me greatly. I mean, why the fuck is Chapman coming to Columbus at 1 am on a Monday morning? Besides “getting laid”, there is no logic that makes a lick of sense.

On a more positive Reds note (I’ve been talking about this team WAY too much recently), did you see that black guy who caught back-to-back home run balls on Monday night? That is insane! What are the odds that that would ever happen? It’s hard enough to see two MLB hitters hit consecutive home runs but having the same exact fan catching both of them within a few minutes of each other? This is probably the only time in your life when you should be jealous of a black guy named Caleb. Caleb is an awful name for any skin color though. That’s it for today. I’ll see you all at the Grumpy Candlelight Vigil/Candle-pin Bowling event tonight. Plus, I’m sure that Iceman will want to argue about Pacers/Heat game 5. Whatever, it’s his passion in life to troll us all.  That's what makes him "Cowherd T. Cowherd" (that nickname that I gave him needs to stick).  The "T" stands for TRANSCENDENT!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Best Mail-In Post You've Ever Read

                I Google'ed "soccer is for queers" and this came up.  Fitting.

It kinda sucks hairy wankers writing this time of year.  Not a whole lot is happening right now unless you really care about Bill Stewart heart attacking on the golf course and dying.  And there's probably a large majority of people who don't even know who the fuck that is...for good reason.  So I'm just gonna grab bag it here and throw some topics out for discussion.  Maybe if baseball wasn't for fuckin queers I would have something better to write about.

I'm really starting to side with Drew on the whole Facebook thing and have given heavy thought to just deleting my account.  This shit's starting to get real old.  Between infuriating duck faces, Facebook super moms, grammar police, random pictures of the probably terrible dinner you made yourself and posts about how big of a fucking disaster your life is, I've almost had enough.  Honestly about the only thing that's keeping me going is a handful of people that manage to find Internet gold to post on my wall.  My brother Jordan and Prime are two of the best at that.  Keep it up fellas.

Stan VanGundy was fired yesterday.  Personally I think that's complete horseshit.  I've always like SVG and thought he never got the credit he deserved for what he did with that team.  It was Dwight Howard and a handful of average guys he turned into a pretty ELITE squad.  And why the fuck would you fire your coach if the guy who wanted him fired isn't even going to be on the team next year?  That's like getting rid of your car because your high maintenance, bitchy, cunt faced GF doesn't like they way it looks or smells, or runs or maybe the seat fabric disagrees with her high societal pussy skin...then she dumps your pathetic ass a month later.  Now you're fucking stupid AND car-less.  On the flip side of that, Otis Smith was rightfully terminated.  I'm surprised he kept his job for as long as he did after trading for Vince Carter and Gilbert Arenas.  I would say that's an instant death sentence.  Remember when Arenas was considered a superstar?  God...those were funny days.

Raise your hand if you want Roger Clemens to go to jail.  I could give a fuck about baseball but Roger Clemens going to jail and essentially putting himself there is more LOLZ than Curt Schilling being broke because of a video game.  I can't wait for the Roger Clemens prison sex porno to hit the interwebs.  I also can't wait for him to misremember getting hollowed out by Nasty Nate.

I read this last week and absolutely lost my fucking mind. Fuck you, lawn ferries.  Fuck your stupid fucking boring game that is in actuality just a bunch of Euro-trash fuck wads sprinting around for 2 hours...or however the fuck long those dick sucking competitions last for.  This is the reality.  In the near future, this fad will die and soccer will go back to being bumped for a show about periods and ovulation on the Oxygen network.  Soccer is a expendable.  It'll be a sport outcast again in no time for all of the reasons mentioned at the end of this article.  Unless you played soccer, it is IMPOSSIBLE to enjoy watching games on a regular basis.  And since America does a pretty good job of making sure we don't grow up to be pussies, most young kids choose football over soccer.  Eventually soccer will be phased out the same way that televised poker was.  Fucking douche bag soccer faggot.  I hate the guy who wrote that article so much.

Don't blame me for this mail-in post.  Blame the sports dead zone we're in.  Blame baseball for being sucky and unwatchable.  Blame the HarBRAH's for not showing up in Toledo to give me more material.  Blame G$ for making me write twice last week.  But most of all, BLAME CANADA!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Going Out Like He Should

With the Yankees playing the Reds this past weekend, I was fortunate enough to spend the past three days with the Reds TV and radio broadcast teams.  I'll tell you what, they do it right.  They aren't blind and blatant homers like that cum-gurgling asshole that does radio for the Tribe or the buttfuckers that the Yankees have.  Marty and Thom and Brantley and George Grande and Chris Welsh are all ELITE.  I should really watch more Reds games just because of how they call games.  It really made it easier to accept losing two out of three to an inferior team (something that has happened way too much this season).  There are quite a few baseball topics that I want to cover today actually.  Let's go to Loserville first.

Kerry Wood retired - It really is unfortunate that Kid K's body did not live up to what he should have been as a pitcher.  I always liked Kerry and the two months that he pitched in New York, he was terrific.  Then last week, we heard that he was going to retire at the age of 34 after his next pitching opportunity.  He got that shot on Friday afternoon against the White Sox and it was just terrific.  Wood came in, faced on batter, struck him out, and then got pulled.  Cubs fans are a pretty stupid bunch but they owned that moment and gave one of their own the send-off that he deserved.  If you didn't get chills watching Wood walk off of the field for the last time then you don't get sports.  I'm willing to bet that Prime and Reba were on the verge of tears.  That was awesome.  To me, Kerry Wood's march from the mound to the dugout was THE moment of the baseball season.

The Yankees are fucking garbage - This team is going nowhere.  I have already come to grips with it.  Sure, they have been destroyed by injuries this year more than any other team, but that is hardly a viable excuse with the talent still on the roster.  It would be a different story if they were blowing save after save, but they aren't.  The problem is the offense and the fact that the entire team is anti-Jack Hannahan's.  It seems like every fucking game they go 1-10 with RISP.  That is very annoying.  Russell Martin sucks the fattest Canuck cock on the planet.  Nice contract year, jerk, way to make me forget about Jesus Montero.  You know who doesn't get the scorn that he so rightly deserves?  Mark fucking Teixeira who is God fucking awful and is just getting worse every year.  I can't wait for his albatross of a contract to end in four more long years.

Justin Verlander blows - What kind of cunt can't even no-hit the Pirates!  I sent that text to Drew after Jabba The Shortstop couldn't crawl after a ball that any other SS could reach with ease.  His reply back to me was that Verlander is on pace to have more no-hitters than Nolan Ryan...NBD!  Talk about a meaningless and stupid fucking stat!  Way to go Drew, you SO DUMB.  You know what?  I'm on pace to have as many perfect games as Roger Clemens, Greg Maddux, and Terry Schaivo.  True story!  Speaking of the Tigers, I don't get this team at all.  How are they still under .500?  I guess it's harder than you thought it would be to out-slug the opponent when you have poor defense and garbage starting pitching outside of the top 2.  I like to think that Brandon Inge tattooed a curse against his former team on his forearms after they cut him.

Chris Perez is not smart - Obviously, no one who works for the Indians can be pleased with the lack of support from their terrible fans, but it's probably not the best move to publicly call them out like the moron closer for the team did on Saturday.  He said something to the effect that poor fan support is why players don't want to play in Believeland.  No, Stupid Rage, people don't want to play in The Cleve for the same reason that has stood the test of time...the Rust Belt kind of sucks.  I highly doubt that Perez's blunt honesty is going to light up the turnstiles.  Way to piss of the few people that even know who you are, Chris.  By the way, fans have every right to boo the home team if said home team is playing like shit or Freddy Garcia can't get out of the 2nd inning for the 6th start in a row.

Aroldis Chapman is as good at pitching as Tyler Hansbrough is at traveling - This weekend was pretty much the first time that I've been able to focus on this guy and he so sick.  SO SICK.

Curt Schilling is broke - 38 Pitches needed the government's help to make payroll this month.  This makes me laugh because I hate Fake Blood and that he was probably against bail outs.  I guess it's OK when violent video games get saved but not the automotive industry.

Francisco Cervelli is my homeboy - Remember last summer when I went to a Clippers game and met The Million Dollar Man?  Of course you do, that is a legend that will never be forgotten.  Well, I made my trip back to Huntington Park on Saturday as the Clippers did battle with The Empire State Yankees (formerly Scranton but the field in eastern PA is being renovated this year thus the AAA Yanks are playing a nomadic schedule this year which has to suck).  They only had standing room tickets available but that was fine (it WAS Star Wars Night after all!).  I got to see Matt LaPorta hit an opposite field bomb and Jack Cust hit a dong that went out of the damn stadium.  We moved down to seats about 5-6 rows up from the on deck circle in the 8th.  I was drunk at the time so I made it my mission to get Cervelli to acknowledge me from the stands.  Frankie's single in the 9th ended up being the game-winning RBI and when he was running out to take the field in the bottom of the 9th, I made my move.  I stood up proudly showcasing me "ELITE" t-shirt and bellowed "FRANCISCOOOOOOOOOO!!!" as loud as I could while pointing at him.  Cervelli saw me and gave me a few quick (but noticeable) positive head nods!  Damman can confirm!  I think that the people sitting around us, who were aware of my objective due to my traditional loud drunk talking, were very proud of my accomplishment.  I am now best buds with a World Series winning backup catcher (at least I think he has a ring)!  AAA Baseball...there is not a better entertainment bang for your buck.

How many of you can say that you lived out your dream that you had for 12 minutes before achieving it?  I CAN!!!  Plenty of talking points today, let's get after it.  But if none of these float your proverbial boat, my guess is that if Big Brother wants me, I will find out this week.  I'm starting to get nervous.  No, not about whether they want me or not but more because I asked Andy K to draft my DFL team if I am in LA for a few months.  Terrifying.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Fantasy Friday

                              Matthew Stafford never could resist sweets.

While G$ is off shafting himself over the (most likely) Heat loss, I'll be filling in and delivering yet another ELITE post about awesome shit.  After being reminded the other day of being forced to reschedule a fantasy football draft because of homo softball men's leagues, I started thinking.  It's been quite some time since we've talked fantasy football here.  And since I'm as degenerate as they come when wagering hard earned money on the performance of football players....

We all know Matthew Berry is a total cock sucker.  He pretends to be this all knowing Buddha but usually ends up fucking over countless people with his terrible predictions and misplaced love for shitheads like BenJarvis Green-Ellis.  But despite Berry's complete faggotry, he actually serves a purpose...well, two purposes.  I get to point and laugh as Tim Hasselsnatch makes Berry look like a fucking idiot.  And Since Berry hasn't seen the inside of a pussy in about 20 years, I get waaaaaaay too early fantasy football rankings.  Which I love.  So let's review some of Berry's more interesting thoughts today.  Check that...these are actually Christopher Harris' rankings.  I take nothing back about Berry.  He's still a clam and I'm sure gave his turdy input with these rankings.  Onward.

-Of course Arian Foster would have to be ranked first overall.  After my bold prediction went off like a Works Bomb inside my tender colon last year, Foster continues to be one of those players that revenge fucks me on the fantasy gridiron.  As long as he stays healthy I guess I can't argue with this...although I prefer to take a QB with my first pick

-You know what?!  Fuck it...I will argue with it.  Quarterbacks get ranked way too low on these sheets and on draft day.  The ELITE quarterbacks score more fantasy points than the ELITE running backs do.  In one of the standard scoring leagues (that didn't utilize bonus points) I was in last year, the top 10 at the end of the year were all QBs.  I would take Rodgers, Brees, Brady and Stafford before even thinking about RB.

-Gaaah.  MJD in the top 10?  I know he had a fuckin monster of a season, but the guy is turning the dreaded 30 this year.  Not to mention if he were a female porn star and NFL carries equaled penises fucked, his pussy would be a hollowed out cavern 6 inches in diameter.  What I'm saying is that I wouldn't wager my fantasy season on his abused ham wallet.

-I know Drew's gonna kill me for this, and I know Megatron was a beast last year and I know that despite his chubby dude beefers Matt Stafford seems to be turning into an ELITE quarterback...but I cannot talk myself into drafting a WR first round.  No fucking way.  It's just too risky.

-Adrian Peterson is currently ranked at 57.  Call me crazy, but I think AP will be ready to go sooner than the "experts" do.  I know it was an ACL tear, but Welker had the same injuries a couple years ago and tore his later in the season if my memory isn't betraying me.  So if Welker can come back in 6 months, so can AP.

 -Ryan Mathews in the top 20, eh?  The guy in your league who drafts Mathews will not make the playoffs.  I will not bet a MoneyShot rib dinner on that.

-There is an interesting situation abreast in Chicago.  Forte is currently in the top 20 but if he holds out (AS HE FUCKING SHOULD!) would I be crazy to suggest Michael Bush take his place at 17?  I don't it crazy to fart on your own hand and then smell it to see if what you roasted transfers to your bare skin?  Think about that...

-All Dallas running backs can fuck themselves with a tire iron.  DeMarco Murray in the top 20 makes me hoarse with laughter.  I think Jerruh Jones puts estrogen in all of the Gatorade bottles. Wasn't Julius Jones the last Dallas RB who played a full season?  Then he killed himself, right?  What's that?  Still alive??  Well...that sure is disappointing.

-It's amazing what the fetus head of Peyton Manning can accomplish.  It was able to get Demaryius Thomas in the top 40.  That's almost as hilarious as a Mike Shanahan RB ranked in the top 40 (Helu at 34).  Have you people learned NOTHING?!?!

-This list came out before the draft and Trent Richardson is the only rookie on it.  This tells me two things.  First, he's going to be a long dicked stud fucking everything in his path.  And two, even with no team at the time he was still ranked higher than the only Cleveland Brown on this list (Hardesty at 95).  That should tell you about how sweet of a season Browns fans have to look forward I crush my balls in the refrigerator door thinking about it.

-The Ben raped his way into the top 100.  Nothing real important to note.  Just wanted to bring up the fact The Ben got away with rape and that his face is fatter than both of Paul Pierce's lard tits smushed together in the most disgusting way imaginable.

That's 11 *recounts them quickly* talking points for you dingleberries today.  I tried hitting everyone's favorite team and purposely left out the Eagles since none of us know if Mr. Ace is still alive or not.  I'm gonna say that we probably don't really care a whole lot either.  I think we would all search for that box of mac and cheese we swear is in the pantry longer than we would for Mr. Ace if word broke he was missing.  Just kidding buddy...kind of.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Men's Softball: By Assholes. For Assholes.

And now Larry realizes that softball sucks.
For two summers, back when I was in college, I came back home and worked for the Naptown Parks and Rec Department. Now, before you ask, it is nothing like the show. That was unfortunate. But it was a great job nonetheless. I was not only permitted, but almost encouraged to sleep on the job (which I did expertly—I had spots all over the city that were virtually undetectable where a truck could hide and a driver could sleep). The people that I worked for and with were cool (except one who sucked something fierce—he was our Jerry Grgich). And it seemed like everyone got their shit done in the morning so that the afternoons could be spent fucking around or making up something to do by the city pool as an excuse to eye-fuck the lifeguards. This was also where I honed my hatred for men’s softball.

My basic job outline was to manicure each baseball and softball diamond each day (there was other stuff to do, but this was the big one) with my partner (Boz one year, Ace’s Cousin Joe the other). If I recall correctly, there are ten total diamonds in town. That meant dragging and chalking the fields and maybe moving bases and pitching rubbers around if the fields were multi-purpose. This did not take all day obviously. Once we were done, it was either time for a siesta or being a pervert or digging into the massive piles of nudie mags found over the years (you wouldn’t believe the stacks of porno mags that were found in city parks). For awhile, I think that I had every word of a January 1997 edition of CHEEKS memorized. I only read it for the articles, of course.

It was great. I wish that I could still do it. It was the ultimate fuck-around job for a very immature me. But there were a few times when it sucked. If the bulk of your job is field maintenance, then obviously that bitch cunt Mother Nature can ruin things quickly. There was nothing finer than a full day of rain and obvious rain-outs coming. But when it just poured for an hour in the afternoon, just enough to puddle up, then you knew you were fucked.

The head honcho (and apparent enjoyer of orgies if rumors are true and I really want to believe this one), our Ron Swanson, was a big fan of calling games off at the very last minute. The good news was that that meant overtime. The really fucking awful news was that that meant that we were expected to push water off of the diamonds for the next 2 or 3 hours, ruin our shoes, and enjoy that always awesome northwest Ohio post-rain 8000% humidity. Basically, all the fields had to be done over again but this time we had about 2 hours to do ten of them. It was not easy. Rain is the worst. Are you still with me? I’m getting there. You needed the back story to get to the pay off.

Down in the most wretched area of Nap, a lawless subculture of scum and villainy and domestic violence and Detroit Tigers porch flags known as “Goose Town”, sat the city’s lone two men’s softball diamonds (at Riverdowns Park). We were in charge of these, too. It was always risky working on those fields early as some of the local shoeless little shits would sometimes play on there after our work was done and fuck everything up. The big, bad softball players were known to call in and complain if their fucking foul lines weren’t straight enough (apparently they deserved a MLB grounds crew) so it was important to get it right the first time. “GET OFF THE FIELD, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!” was not an uncommon thing to yell at little kids in Goose Town—the Compton of Naptown.

OK, so the problem here was that our Ron Swanson liked to play softball and he liked it way too much. It didn’t matter if we got three inches of rain at 5 pm, we were expected to have those fields ready by 6 so that he and his asshole swinger buddies could play and, more importantly, WIN GODDAMMIT!!! Since these fields were right off of the muddy Maumee River, they held water for shit. If you even spit on the field, third base would look like a kiddie pool. But we were always told to use as much Diamond Dry and approved overtime as necessary to get those two fields ready. Have you ever pushed water off of an infield before? I can’t really describe how much it sucks except for this: imagine shoveling snow from a driveway that never ends. The puddles just keep coming back and the dirt just turns into mud. There are 4 or 5 of us out there (pretty much the entire department) working our asses off yet there was always a few lovely softball-playing gentleman hanging around and complaining about how the fields weren’t ready. Well, I’m sorry, Guy-Wearing-Baseball-Pants-And-Eye-Black, next time I’ll have the clouds piss on us two hours earlier.

We would eventually get the fields ready for some sort of play although they were way too soft to be on anyway (that did not matter at all to Orgy King). Did anyone on the four teams waiting to play say thanks or good job or show any sort of empathy at all? Fuck no. They still bitched and moaned because now they might not get their second game in before dark that night. And guess who was back at Riverdowns at 7:30 AM the next morning being told to pick up the softball team’s trash from the night before? THIS GUY. I guess that the giant green barrels with TRASH written on them were not obvious enough and that the grass was a much better option for their Old Mil cans and Skoal tins. This happened MULTIPLE times.  I realize that that was my job, but still, there was no reason to be a cocksucking asshole about it.  And that is why I will never forgive "men's softball player".

Hell, I actually played softball that second summer (in a different town).  I showed up to the first game with a sixer only to find out that this was a dry league.  Weak.  It was nothing special.  I didn't hate it.  I didn't really like it.  It was just something to do.  They wanted me to play third base but I had no desire to field rockets for six innings so I volunteered to play right field where I just picked my nose.  I haven't played again since that summer with Click Chiropractic (we were terrible, by the way, and I did not care).  But anyway, to the conclusion of my softball hate story...

I bet you’re wondering if Groupsex Swanson ever showed any gratitude to us for ignoring the other 8 diamonds in the city that KIDS PLAYED ON to focus on the two that he played on. Nope. Absolutely nothing from the boss man. But I got him back by putting a HUGE dent in his work truck later that summer. It is never a good idea to have me tow around a couple hundred gallon water tank and be expected to reverse with it still attached. Just patch it up with some Diamond Dry, asshole.

So that is the reason why I hate men’s softball. It might not be fair to lump everyone together under one banner of “TOTAL ASSHOLE WHO SHOULD DIE VIA CHOKING ON TEN DICKS” but it’s not fair to call blacks lazy or Mexicans smelly either. Yet here we are and stereotypes make the world go ‘round. They are all a bunch of ingrates who put their own bullshit ahead of hundreds of little kids and sexy city employees. And that is exactly the reason why I say that everyone who plays men’s softball is gay. Don’t ask why. They just are.

You’re getting a second dose of Iceman tomorrow as I have to make a quick trip back to the aforementioned Naptown this evening (to watch some softball?). So get ready for that.  I'm sure that it will be incredible as always.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Coming To Grips With Your Declining Athletic Prowess

Let's rock.
One of the trademarks of this here average-at-best blog is that I tend to wait a few days and then attack a story that has already been beaten like Barbaro. That kind of quality “journalism” is never going to stop which is why I would like to spend today talking about Peyton Manning being traded to Denver. Just kidding, of course, let’s go back to that story about the Naptown area guy who pulled a Hank Gathers on the field of a semi-pro game that no one attended or knew existed.

So what we know here is that 32 year old Dave Coleman, father of 5, and (former) Nap resident was playing in a very, very shitty semi-pro football league for a team out of Portland, IN (borderline Amish country and nearly a 2 hour drive from his house so you KNOW that he took this seriously). During a recent game in the Toledo area, he went for a tackle or something, did not keep his head on a swivel, and got Hines’d the fuck Warded. He tried to get up. He couldn’t. He never got up again. Dead.  That seems like pretty much the gist of the story here. If I forgot any important details then feel free to show me the light.

First, I have no problem with people doing what they love to do. People that enjoy playing hoops should play as much pick-up basketball that they want to play. People that like to cook should feed me delicious food that they make me for free. People that like to jerk off are more than welcome to paint their walls white until the well runs dry. I get it. It’s good to have hobbies and to be passionate about things even when you get older. However, there is a time and a place for everything in life. Competitive football does not fit into the aforementioned activities. When you strap those pads on, you are now a potentially deadly weapon.  I'm no fancy big city father (pulls on suspenders) but this does not seem like something that a father of 5 should be doing.

Sure, we all laughed at the inanity of Unnecessary Roughness when legendary screen actors Scott Bakula and Sinbad rose from the dead to play college football for one more season. What a tremendous premise that was! Look at Sinbad! He can barely move! But in real life, it’s just sad to see a 30+ year old man trying to relive past glories that no one else remembers or shares. There is a reason why most NFL players are done playing by the time they are 28 or 29 years old and that is because the human body is not designed to play football for long.

Personally, there are times every once in awhile where I wish that I could strap the pads on again and hit somebody, but that notion passes rather quickly when I realize that I am 31 years old and have no desire to get hit anymore. Football is the greatest game on the planet yet, as we learned from the Junior Seau saga, you can’t play it forever.  And unless you are a QB or a kicker or something, your body will eventually agree with that.

I like to think that your football “career” is similar to bringing a baseball glove to a Major League game. You only have so long to get away with that before you come off as pathetic and embarrassing. For the glove, I feel like once you have finished Little League (around 11 or 12 years old), then your days of bringing in your own mitt is over. No ball is going to come within a section of you and a real man can grab a liner with his bare hands. Also, you need both hands free to crush beers and inhale hot dogs. On the other hand, with football, you get one shot at it. That may end your senior year in high school or in college if you’re lucky or in the pros if you are ELITE. Once it is done, it is DONE (with exception of flag or touch or Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans football which are completely acceptable). If you did it right the first time, you shouldn’t feel the need to absorb more body and head blows. Period.

Back to Coleman though, obviously I don’t know the guy or his family or anything like that, but it’s a fucking horrible thought to know that his girls lost their dad during a weird football game in some obscure league. It’s hard to imagine going through that and understanding all the therapy that they may require. But this was totally preventable and everyone knows it even if it does sound harsh. I’m not even saying that he “deserved” this because that isn’t true and definitely isn’t cool. What I am saying is that grown men with kids and jobs and responsibilities shouldn’t be playing football. EVER. Coach or officiate if you want to give back and stay involved. Your playing days ended a long time ago. Deal with it.

Actually, that isn’t fair or true. Because Coleman was selfish, now his girls have to deal with it. And that is the saddest part about this very preventable situation. We’re all getting old now and we all need to come to grips with reality and limitations. You can’t drink like you used to. You get way worse hangovers. Your hand-eye coordination sucks. Your back is more prone to random spasms. It’s all about preservation now and not taking ridiculously stupid risks like being a tackling dummy in your early 30’s.  Just remember that people are counting on you now so it's probably for the best if you stopped trying to concuss other schlubs every other weekend.

Also, if you play men’s softball, you are gay. Don’t ask questions. You just are.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

No More Suicides...Here is Some NBA.

                                                 DEAL WITH IT!!

I don't remember who...but one of you skanks mentioned something about an NBA post last week.  So here it is.  Not so much because I'm trying to please whatever nameless fella blurted it out, but more to piss off Brady for all of the pain and anguish he's caused me over the years.  STOP BUTTING INTO MY TWITTER TIME WITH PRIME!!!  Where did that come from??  I think it's safe to say at this point that Prime and I are in the closest thing you can consider to be a Twitter relationship.  That sounds horribly homosexual...but at this point I'm just too fucking lazy to hit the delete button.  It might as well be in marker, and I'm NOT ASHAMED!!!  Plus with all the talk of gay marriage around here lately it seemed oddly appropriate.  Man...this got weird quick.

/does 10 pushups to prove hetero manhood.

Anyway...NBA things.  I think first I will address the awards handed out followed by some terribly poopy predictions about how this round will shake out.  This should be incredibly long and painful...just for you, Brady.

Sixth Man:  This is kind of a bullshit choice since James Harden CHOSE to come off the bench.  He wasn't shamefully forced to be a reserve like most reserves are.  Not to mention the fact that he plays starters minutes. But I suppose I don't hate the choice since Harden is a genuinely likable guy.  Unlike Carlos Boozer and his huge, giant, mutant mouth that needs to be open as wide as it can possibly go whenever he opens it.  I would go fucking insane being forced to watch Boozer eat a bowl of soup.  I bet it looks like he's trying to deep throat the spoon with every excruciating bite.  Harden could use some dental work though.  Looks like God blindfolded himself when he threw those choppers in there.

Comeback Player of the Year:  Fuck yeah, white guy.  I firmly believe that this award, along with 6th man award, are really the only basketball awards the whites are capable of winning.  I guess we can't be sweet at everything.  That's all I really have to say because no one cares about Ryan Anderson and his perfectly sculpted goatee.

Defensive Player of the Year:  At least one good thing came from the LOLest super team tards in the history of sports.  I almost forgot Tyson Chandler was on the team with all of the public fellatio of Jeremy Lin and the rest of New York's below average roster.  Maybe if Dwight Howard didn't transform into the biggest piece of shit alive overnight, he could have made history by winning his 4th consecutive award.  Oh well...back to awkward interviews and acting like you're 12, Dwight.  Stay in that comfort zone.

Rookie of the Year:  Kyrie Irving continues to plunder my anus with revengey mad skills on the court.  I once called him the black Bobby Hurley.  I assumed comparing him to a bucktoothed loser with skin the color of paper towels and milky barf would be enough to convince everyone here that Irving would be a disastrous flop.  HooooBoy was I wrong.  I'll call myself out on this one.  I so dumb...I so dumb for real.  Kid's got the fuckin skilz that kilz and as long as he can stay on the court has the talent to be an MVP four years from now.  My apologies, if you'll excuse me I just have to go add you to my "must draft" fantasy basketball list for next year.

MVP:  LEBRIZZLE!!!!!  How choice is it that Lebron won another MVP?  God, I fucking love it.  All the sour dick Cavs fans keep grasping at ruh-tarded shit to try and downplay how fucking sweet this guy really is.  At this point you just have to grow up and admit the dude is the best player in the world.  FACT.  My only hope is that the Heat win it all and Lebron is the finals MVP.  That combination of awards for him this year would have to result in 20% of Clevelanders Junior Seau'ing themselves, right?  In my opinion, that's 20% fewer dildos to worry about.  GO HEAT!

Heat vs. Pacers

I say Miami takes this series in 6.  At first I was thinking Miami should close in 5 since the Pacers don't blow your balls off with talent, but that team is annoyingly scrappy and plays hard.  I think the scrappy factor has the potential to translate to two wins in this series.  But if Lebron guards and shuts down Granger all series, this team is fucked unless someone like Tyler Hansbrough has a few tricks tucked into his tighty whitey's.  Outside of Granger, I don't think there is anyone you can really depend on...which is terrifying since Granger is Joe Johnson 2.0.  Bosh sitting out will have zero effect on the Heat winning...because he's soooo fucking terrible, REMEMBER?????

Celtics vs. Sixers

Boston already has a one game lead...barely.  But I'm gonna stick with my original prediction of the 76ers making the Eastern Conference finals and pick them here.  (This was written before the end of tonight's game so hopefully Philly doesn't have a two game hole to climb out of) I like the youth on this team and I think the speed of the Sixers eventually breaks down Boston's nursing home and Paul Pierce's Kielbasa sausage back fat rolls.  No one wants to see Ol' tubby tits milking fake injuries in the playoffs anymore.  We'll flip on a soccer match if we want to see pussies doing pussy things.  Sixers in 7 only because Boston is super annoying and never goes away when they should.

Spurs vs. Clippers

Captain Craterface and his gang of hateable geezers does it again.  As much as I can't stand putting San Antonio in the West finals, the Clippers are way too banged up to make it past this team.  Not to mention the Spurs are deeper than Dale Horvath's nostrils.  I guess I get another series of watching Tim Duncan bitch about every call with his patented saucer eyed "You just called that on me??" look.  Spurs in 6...only because a banged up Clipper team is still good enough to win two games.  Just know I almost said 5 because Vinny DelNegro is a terrible fucking coach.  He couldn't coach my sixth grade Kitty Kat team better than my old man did.

Thunder vs. Lakers

This is going to be the best series this round by far...but for all the wrong reasons.  I can't wait to see how the OKC crowd reacts to Metta World Elbows tonight.  I don't think booing is nearly enough for that blatant dirty fucking elbow Artest brained James Harden with.  I want trash to be thrown.  And arena trash isn't good enough...I'm talking real, legit garbage.  I want fans to bring kitchen trash from their homes into the game with them.  I want to see tin cans, moldy food and spaghetti jars being heaved with laser point accuracy at Artest.  I want this to look like an all black team playing a road game in Mississippi in the 50's.  Anything less would be a complete disappointment since I would think booing has zero effect on a man who will most likely murder someone in the next 10 years.  It's real simple.  OKC has more talent and they don't have Bynum or Artest on their team.  Those two future asylum patients do more harm than good.  OKC in 5.

Well, that's all I've got.  I hope this post satisfied your lust for NBA related reading.  But even more I hope it saves us all from whatever douchy comments Brady wants to throw out there about the Indians or Ohio recruiting or Urban Meyer's ball shaving habits.  Since I know G$ is seething about another Lebron MVP, I'm sure he will take us to nuggetville informing us all of the catastrophic flaws in Lebron's game.  Let the Lebron James debate begin.  GO HEAT!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Don't Count On It To Happen, But This Is The Best Idea Yet

You done just got RUPED, SON!
I trust that all of you did well yesterday and treated your mother/wife with the respect that the calendar grants her.  I ended up giving my wife the greatest gift of all...the gift of ribs.  While I was finishing off my rack like a boss, I couldn't help but think of all of you.  Deep down, I felt like I was cheating on you shits.  After Ribfest, it almost seems like all BBQ eatings should be done together.  I don't like that.  I don't want to feel that way.  Nevertheless, Grumpy needs to take us out for dinner again and soon.  By the way, the drive to Gahanna to the last standing Hoggy's in town was ELITE (Granted, I was there to umpire a DH but neither team showed up and the coach never called me...I hope he dies).  I hope that my car smells like ribs forever.  Do they make BBQ-flavored air fresheners?  I got dibs on this idea.

For today's topic, it's time to finally hit on something that broke last week.  Now, I have never been a big fan of Big Ten Commish, Jim Delany, and I've said this quite often.  I think that he's a fraud.  He's greedy.  He doesn't have the best interest of college football at heart (which makes sense though because that isn't his job) although he acts like he does.  And every once in a while, he will talk about a playoff system even though he has no desire at all to see that happen.  But Delany's recent outline for a playoff system has piqued my interest.

This plan gives a huge preference to conference champions (as it should).  It is a four team playoff in which only the top 6 teams in the final BCS rankings of the season would be considered (as they should).  Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, the top two seeds would get to host the lower two seeds in the opening round (which is really cool as that would make a team from the South potentially have to play an outdoor game up North in the cold and that is something that everyone has wanted to see for DECADES).  If I was to finally weigh in on my own mythical college football playoff dream scenario, this would be pretty close to what I want.

First of all, and I screamed this a few months ago, conference champions should be playing for a title.  If you can't win your own league, then you should need a ton of help for possible inclusion.  Of course, Nick Saban came out over the weekend and was against this which makes sense because he is an asshole.  This year, for example, #3 OK State would have hosted #5 Oregon and #1 LSU would have welcomed #2 Alabama as the Tide would have been the lone wild card included.  Saban still would have been in which just goes to show that he doesn't know what he's talking about.  Way to be against an idea that would not have negatively impacted you at all, jerk.

Now, how I would do it, is that you play the semifinals on the Monday night of week 17 of the NFL season and then the championship the following Monday.  It would give the final four about three weeks to prepare for the semis and then a week for the big one and would, in theory, eliminate any sort of rust from sitting around for 6 weeks.  Monday is a football night anyway so you might as well piggyback on the groundwork that the NFL laid out.

People who are clamoring for a 16 team, an 8 team, or a plus one (Herbie!) are being impractical.  16 and 8 for obvious reasons because there aren't that many teams worthy of the title shot and scheduling conflicts.  The plus one MAY work but you would have to destroy the current bowl tie-ins and that doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon.  The big money bowls aren't going to be too happy to get second rate teams every year.  I think that this makes the most sense though even if it means weakening the current BCS bowls.  Whatever, fuck them anyway.  The Fiesta Bowl people are sacks of taint anyway.

The issue with Delany's plan is Delany himself.  He will NEVER dump on the Rose Bowl which is exactly what would need to happen if you want to ever see something like this.  I would highly doubt that the Rose Bowl would want the 2nd place Big Ten team buttfuck the 2nd place Pac-12 team every season.  They want champions.  Haven't they seen enough of Bret Bielema?  Second, other than Ohio State, who else is the Big Ten going to send to this 4 team tournament every year?  When was the last time that a non-Fuckeyes team finished in the top 4 of the BCS?  Maybe Wisconsin once?  Needless to say, Jim Delany would need to convince his schools to fore go a LOT of money for the sake of the betterment of the game.  So, in essence, this is all posturing by the guy that holds the key to getting this done.

The SEC wouldn't have an issue with this.  Neither would the Big 12 or the Pac 12 since they almost always have their champion qualify as well.  The Big East and ACC aren't going to mind since this doesn't really effect them anyway.  Delany is the lynch pin for the plan that he announced.  It's time for him to put his (for lack of a better word) money where his mouth is.  If he TRULY wants this to happen, then he has to make it happen.  I actually like his outline though.  It doesn't completely eliminate non-BCS schools or non-champion BCS schools, but it sure as shit makes it harder for them to get in.  And that is just the way that it should be.

So there.  I have always supported the current format of the bowl system but now I'm starting to lean toward a tournament featuring "The ELITE of the ELITE".  They should TOTES call it that.  It's time to get something done instead of just talking about how it's time to start talking about getting things done.  Thoughts?

Friday, May 11, 2012

Nothing Beats A Good Angry Rant

I think that we can all agree that we learned more than enough about The Glass City yesterday. Drew’s going to be there for one night, not a year. And I could not help but notice that he showed no desire to meet up with any of you NWO miscreants. He was just trolling for food and craft beer. He got you assholes jolly good. To close out the week, I have compiled a list of things that are currently pissing me the fuck off. This will be a pretty straightforward post. I am right and everything that I will be writing about today is wrong and stupid and not “God’s work”.

Scott’s – I admit that I actually like the ginger Scot that is in all of their ads this spring. He reminds me of Mulligan MacGregor from Tiger Woods golf (ELITE look-alike reference right there!). I have bought into the bullshit that Scott’s has sold to America over the past few years and decided to use their products to help build my lawn and stop weeds and seed the spots killed off by my dogs 100% sulfuric acid pees. Let me tell you the dirty little secret about these companies: Their products are all SHIT. None of it works. NONE OF IT. The US Military is widely known to be the strongest force on the planet, but I highly doubt that they could defeat the weeds that grow on my property. I’ve spent more than enough time pulling these fuckers (this is normally a job that I would delegate to the wife but these little bastards have roots that are 3-4 INCHES into the ground) and they just laugh at me. It’s like “Oh, you think you won? See you again in a week when I’m a foot tall and look like a lettuce patch. That’s cute that you’re putting Preen down to stop me and my friends. We’re still going to kill you.” I’m at the point where the only option seems to buy gasoline and a book of matches. It worked for Russia in the 40’s.

Slugs – Speaking of shit alongside my house, there is about a 3 foot stretch of mulch/siding that is absolutely infested with these hideous shitheads. I kill at least two per night (I have this AWESOME spray from Terminix that is like having the golden gun in GoldenEye—one spray and bitches get GOT). I have no idea where they come from or how they breed or why they aren’t taking the hint. But the war between G$ and the Army of Slugs rages on. I’ve even started incorporating a steady stream of urine flow to get my message across but that just could be because I like whipping my dong out in my backyard. I just assume that slugs are like freshman football players and that they hate golden showers.

Construction – In case you haven’t been to Columbus recently (and why would you), you may not know that every fucking road in the fucking city and suburbs is currently being ripped up right now. EVERY ROAD. You can’t go anywhere without being annoyed by orange barrels and cocksucker construction workers doing very little. The casino is expected to open some time around the New Year coming up. It will take them around 18 months to get it up from start to finish. However, the ten mile stretch of highway leading to the casino is apparently a goddamn three year project! How does that make any sense? It takes twice as long to lay new asphalt than it does to build a state of the art gaming hut? FUCK YOU, ODOT! I will never understand why this massive road project is going on and then also there is being work done on ramps, I-71, and the fucking road that my office is on. Do one project and then start the next one, dammit, you don’t just half-ass 8 different projects at the same time. Maybe Mike fucking Coleman should worry less about his pipe dream NBA franchise and more about how none of his constituents can drive the speed limit anymore. And, one more thing, asshole: Ohio can’t even support two football teams and two baseball teams and this state actually LIKES those sports.

Gay marriage – Why is this an issue at all? Let him live (CM & Torg reference)! It’s 2012 and we have evolved as a society. What exactly are the nay-sayers afraid of? It’s just fucking marriage which has proven time and time again to not be that important.

Dana Jacobsen – First of all, who are the people that keep First Take on the air? Show yourselves! Second, who is the person that approves her going sleeveless on the air sometimes? Have you seen her arms? They look like they belong to Kirstie Alley. Dana is repulsive.

Terrelle Pryor – What a lovely piece in SI that was! I’m interested to hear if he told the NCAA about his role as college football’s Robin Hood (taking whatever from the rich and giving it to himself first and then others if there were any crumbs left over). Spare me the “family man” horseshit, TP. You had diamond earrings and designer clothes and sports cars at your fingertips. Honest question though: if Mama Pryor was in such rough shape and had to be all stupid and heat the house with the stove, couldn’t TP’s “handler” up in Jeanette have loaned her some money without it being a violation? I mean, it sounds like that guy has money. Would it have been against the rules for him to give the Pryor’s a thousand bucks or whatever to keep from turning into fudgesicles (RACIST!)? Basically, Terrelle Pryor is still a liar and he is so awesome at football that he’s now Matt Leinart’s back-up. Well done.

Voicemail – My final rant is not really a rant but I’ve wanted to mention it for awhile but had no place to put it. Is there anything better than coming back to work from the weekend or lunch and seeing that you have no voicemails at your desk? That is a great feeling—seeing that no one wants anything from you and that you will not be bothered.

I feel better now. Read this blog…READ IT! See you on Monday.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Fair Price For A Crackhead

Retro Bill is also a board member at Second Mile
I freely admit that I’ve never really bought into the Texas Rangers. Even after two straight AL pennants, I still don’t give them the credit that they’ve earned and deserve. It’s hard for me to buy into these guys with their seemingly average starting pitching. But, you know, they all throw a million MPH and it isn’t like pitching is their forte anyway. The fact is that that offense can not be stopped. Oh, you may catch them on an off series here and there, but for the most part these guys just mash and mash and mash, do a couple lines of Ritalin and coke, and then mash some fucking more. I don’t know exactly what changed but I can officially now say that I have bought into the Rangers. They are really fucking good. Where am I going with this again?

Oh yes, here. The other night, known slugger and DARE program failure, Josh Hamilton, launched 4 dongs and a double against the O’s at Camden Yards. He set the non-Jewish record for total bases in a game (Shawn Green had 19…which is unreal). Hamilton is, without question, one of the five best players in the game today. Hell, he might be #2 (Matt Kemp has a stranglehold on #1). But he is a great baseball player. Not good—GREAT. One story that is about to blow up (and already has to some extent) is that Hamilton is a free agent at season’s end. So I want to spend today trying to answer the question of “What is Josh Hamilton’s price?”

If you were just looking at the man as an on-field product, he is a lock for an 8 year/160 million contract and that might even be on the cheap. We all know about his demons though and that shit can not be ignored. Plus, he does tend to get hurt a lot. At this point, I would like to reference THIS POST that I wrote years ago where I wrote Hamilton’s autobiography for him. Dut believed every word of that post and even quoted it as fact to others. He only learned that it was a lie less than a year ago. Hilarious. What an idiot.

Anyway, no sane management team is going to give Josh Hamilton an 8 year contract and close to 200 million dollars. That would just be foolish. So what is he worth? First things first, he isn’t going anywhere. Texas has the money to pay him and he has re-built his life in Arlington with a support staff to keep him clean (sort of…Ian Kinsler really sucks at this). He isn’t going to the highest bidder and reshuffling the deck which is his life. That would be a disaster. So there has to be some common ground here for both parties. They both seem aware of the issues at hand and Hamilton seems like a guy that understands the lyrics of the inferior-to-2Pac Biggie Smalls that “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”.

If I’m Hamilton’s agent, I ask for 7 years and 140 million knowing that I will never get anything close to that. If I’m the Rangers, I counter with 4 years and 60 million knowing that there is only a slim chance that this lowball effort will even be considered. In the end, I think that a deal can be made for 4 years and 75-80 million (maybe with a couple of years of team options added on at 20-22 mill per year) with some fairly heavy morality clauses thrown in that can void the deal. That seems pretty fair to me and sort of meets in the middle (basically, if all went well, Hamilton could net 125 million over 6 years). The superstar gets paid and the team gets some protection. I just don’t see how these two parties can divorce at this stage. Both need each other like I need another bottle of fleshlight lube.

Also something that I want to address today: Cole Hamels is a fucking pussy who is in desperate need of a NATITUDE adjustment. DURR I hit Bryce Harper on purpose to welcome him to the bigs. That is so stupid. Hamels is about the least “old school” guy out there since he married a reality TV star (although Heidi from Survivor is insanely hot) and looks like a total gash. I’m not saying that Harper shouldn’t be getting plunked because he looks and seems like a total doucher, but Hamels is not someone that should be playing the role of “baseball history tough guy”. His name is COLE! Have you ever met a tough guy named Cole? I’ll answer that for you—No, you have not met a Cole that was a tough guy. Although maybe he is attempting to institute some sort of rogue pitching task force known as “Hamels 2 Halladay: Bizarre Mound Justice”?

And Albert Pujols sucks dick!

More baseball today! Yay for Brady! Boo for the old farts! Fuck, I’ve got that cheesy synth-rock DARE song stuck in my head now. DARE! To keep a kid off drugs!

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Buy Or Sell: The Cleveland Indians

Simple Jack loves The Thirsty Parrot.  GET IT?  Wocka wocka!
In case you are a West Virginia alumnus and thus can not read a calendar, we are now currently in the month of May. In the sporting landscape, it is an average month as football provides us with very little and that counterbalances the basketball and hockey playoffs. On the diamond, this time of year provides us with enough of a sample set where we can begin to fairly judge all teams. It’s really easy to say that the Orioles will never be able to keep this up and that one day soon the Tigers will stop getting embarrassed by the Mariners. But one of the more pleasant (at least for a few) surprises so far is that the Cleveland Indians are in first place. Just like they were last year at this time…and that didn’t last for long.

Much to Iceman’s eventual delight, it seems like the spirits of Indians fans have never been higher. Facebook is being peppered heavily every night with meaningless pro-Tribe babble. And that’s great and all because it exposes two main character flaws: you idiots overreact to everything and you learned nothing from last year’s embarrassing fade. But let’s be fair. Last year, I did this exact same post around the time that Believeland had the best record in baseball while almost 7000 fans were pouring into Progressive Field to support them with silence and drum beats every night. I determined then that it wasn’t going to last and it did not. Let’s investigate this franchise again this time around to see if things have changed and if they are in it for the long haul.

GOOD! They can hit which blows up my preseason prediction that they wouldn’t be able to. At least so far they can but then again…
BAD! I think I read somewhere that no one had an easier schedule in April. Beating up on the Royals, A’s, and Mariners is something that you HAVE to do to stick around, but it should not be over-valued or taken as a harbinger of continued good play.

GOOD! The starting pitching, outside of Ubaldo, has been consistently ELITE! They have gotten surprisingly good production from the Derek Lowe’s and Jeanmar’s of the world.
BAD! You got Derek Lowe on the cheap for a reason. He’s about to get bombed and Josh Tomlin is awful.

GOOD! Jason Kipnis appears to be coming into his own as a player.
BAD! Casey Kotchman is terrible as most grown men named Casey tend to be. Also BAD, Jack Hannahan. I like to think that you all know that he blows so you are just enjoying his hot streak while it lasts.

GOOD! The bullpen is filled with a bunch of no-namers but they are pretty effective. After a shaky start, Chris Perez (I’m not calling him by whatever dumbass nickname that he is going by) appears to have his velocity back.
BAD! Depth; which is ironically a word that Clark Kellogg says correctly. They can’t afford any injuries in the lineup or any more Venezuelan grandpa deaths. It’s already bad enough that Travis Hafner is about to go down for the year as is tradition; you need to stay off the DL. More Aaron Cunningham = more losses.

GOOD! Manny Acta is a pretty awesome manager. It is probably because he looks like Snoad without the jaw crackin’.
BAD! The fans. They are embarrassing. What is the point of these “businessman special” noon games when you aren’t even drawing 5K to them (at least you break five figures at night)? On Monday, Hafner hit a homer into the RF bleachers and there were about 6 people in the section and it took the nearest fan 8 minutes to find the ball. That is shitty. I made a claim awhile back that the Cavs had long since passed the Indians as the #2 team in the city and I stand by that. People want to watch the Cavs. They CLEARLY do not want to watch the Indians in person (other than Seal of course). Sorry, folks, but even a pretty good Indians team can’t outdraw a basketball team that has finished the last two seasons as the second worst and third worst team in the NBA. There is no excuse for these horrendous attendances. Don't hide behind the economy.  There are millions of people that live within an hour of that stadium and Cleveland is a good sports city.  That is pathetic.

So what do I think of this team? Taking two out of three from Texas was pretty damn impressive and shows me that this team could be in it all year. Also, I would like to see what they do against the White Trash in a series before I crown their asses as contenders. The AL is a really deep league and the Indians have not been tested very much through 6 weeks. Obviously that will change soon enough.

Verdict! Nah, I’m not buying it. They hang around until late July but play the last two months in relative obscurity. Don’t worry about them, no one cares anyway. I would instruct Indians fans to not get their hopes up (again), but it’s too much fun to watch them get depressed and angry. Basically, the baseball season is so long that it is really hard to fluke your way through it. If the Indians want to win the Central, they would have to defy those odds. I’ll take my chances betting on them to fold.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Look Who Turned Out to be Pretty Jerky!

                            "Just know I was always the favorite.  Bitch."

So, last week I was heading out to fake dinner with some friends that don't exist and we decided to get our white trash on and dine at a TGI Friday's.  I think we were all feeling a little too good about our lives at that point and needed to be kicked down a couple pegs.  What better way to humble yourself than to eat over priced disgusting slop prepared by a gang of high school drop outs who most likely pubified something that you'll be eating in 20 minutes? Well, we get seated and wouldn't you know it???  Directly next to me were the Harbaugh brothers enjoying a dinner together.  The following is the conversation I overheard:

John Harbaugh:  Fuck yeah!  Dining in luxury tonight.  I feel like fucking royalty.  Isn't this that place owned by that frosted tipped twat, Guy Fiero?

Jim Harbaugh:  Probably.  Who the fuck names themselves after a shitty car like that?  (Fun fact: I actually know TWO people that drove a Fiero in high school.  Believe it or not, both of them are still alive and one is an off and on commenter on this very site!)

John: So.  How's the biggest faggot, pussy little brother in the history of faggot, pussy little brothers? Still having problems keeping that vagina of yours moist?

Jim: Fuck you, ya fuckin fuck face. DICK MEASURING CONTEST! RIGHT NOW!! Flaccid cocks only, you cheating fuck!

John: You know that Twizzler in your shorts doesn't hold up to my robust meat rocket. Silly bitch.

Jim: That's not what your wife said when I power blasted her uvula with my fleshy power washer.

John: Hey, Gaylord! I thought we said wives were off limits! You fuckin cheat like those faggot Patriot players and their STAINED titles.

Jim: Right?! It's about time someone had the fuckin scrote to stand up and speak the truth. Doesn't surprise me that it was a motherfuckin Harbaugh that set the record straight for the world. Every other surname is pussy in comparison.

John: Did you see what that fuckin cockgobbler Teddy Bruschi replied with?  I couldn't tell if it came from his mouth or his beav.

Jim: Probably something about heart attacks since that's all that beef curtain was ever good at. I'm surprised he pulled through the way he did considering he's a walking period. I would purposely punch like a girl and still kick his shit in.

John: Not if I fuck him up first. You can have my sloppy ass kicking seconds since I always pave the way for anything you do, any-fuckin-way!

Jim: Oh fuck no you didn't! Wait, hold on...

Waitress walks by...Jim smacks her ass and gets a dirty look

Jim: Cunt, please! Wipe that whorish trailer park look off your fuckin skank face before I go raw fist up your turd maker. You should feel lucky I graced your filthy mom ass with the almighty Harbaugh palm of righteousness and justice! Next time you walk through here, you better have those titties out too!!

John: That's what's up!!! Harbaugh high five!!

/The Harbaugh boys air chest bump, land, grab each others balls and scream “NO HOMO!”.

John: Back to business. I'm thinking about making a plaster mold of my scrotum for Canton. They can hang if from the ceiling in the player head mold room to remind the world that without Harbaugh nuts the NFL would not exist. Thoughts?

Jim: God Dammit! That's fucking brilliant! How is this the first conversation we've had about this? Then they can put a statue of me fuckin nutting all over the bronze player heads in there! No homo, of course.

John: Of course.

Jim: Did you know I could have babies if I wanted to? Birth babies from my fuckin butthole. I just choose not to.

John: What does this have to do with our conversation?

Jim: Oh, I don't know...just flexing my superiority as Top Harbaugh. I mean, unless you can squeeze a human out of your hairy turd cutter like I clearly can. But of course we all know you can't soooooo...debate settled and you're a queerbo.

/little kid walks up

Kid: Mr. Harbaugh...can I have your autograph?

John: Jesus Christ kid. You can't weigh more than a pile of rhino shit. What the fuck is with you?  You're all pale and milky like that crazy fuckin bastard who fucks himself up from that Jesus thumper movie.  Had that one fucker in it....Tom somethings or others.  What was it called?

Jim:  Sister Act?

John:  Nope.

Jim:  Angels in the Outfield?

John:  Nope

Jim:  Boogie Nights?

John:  Nope.

Jim:  Sister Act 2?

John:  Boom!  Nailed it.  AH!  Christ, kid.  You scared the nipples off my chest.  Why are you still here?

Kid: I have cancer Mr. Harbaugh...and all I wanted was an au........


Jim: cock for brains fucktard. You can only get cancer if you make out with him. You learn that in like......2nd grade.  But I know that temptation is gonna be tough to fight through, ya God damn queen!

/John signs a napkin for the kid with a disgusted look on his face.

John:  Alright, now fuckin beat it before you ruin my dinner you gross, gross, barfy mutant.
Jim:  Handled that perfectly.  Aces, chief.

/Waitress walks up to take the order

Jim:  Ummmmmm, weren't someones beefers supposed to be out?  Whatever.  I'll have 30 steaks shaped like huge tits.  Because that's what fuckin MEN eat.  And this little pussy over here will have your bitchiest salad.  With dicks on it.  As many dicks as you can find to pile on.  Make it real fuckin gay for him.  Because he's a complete faggot.  That will be all, whore.  Now make yourself useful and fetch my food.
whispers to John - They love it when you talk to them that way.

Well, shortly after the Harbaugh brothers were escorted off the premises.  What I learned that night is something that most of us probably already know.  The Harbaugh brothers are quickly become impossible to like.  They're loud, arrogant and starting to rival Rex Ryan's assholeness.  And that stings my heart as a Michigan fan.  But since Jim pretty much hates the Wolverines and essentially told us to cram a fist up our ass when offered the head coaching's getting easier to dislike him by the day...especially after fake nights like these.  No real topic today.  Just a fake Harbaugh conversation I wanted to get off my chest that I think we all can appreciate.  Go nuts, kids.