Monday, April 30, 2012

NFL Draft G$s and Duts

My in-laws were at the Mansion this weekend.  I barely helped my father-in-law paint a room in the house because I'm lazy and awesome.  I found out that it is my mother-in-law who keeps Rizzoli & Isles on the air.  But most importantly, THEY realized that turning off the NFL Draft is a topic that should not be addressed.  They showed up on Friday night and were forced to watch the entire third round of the draft.  I did not ask if they wanted me to change the channel.  They had ONE option: Kiper.  I love me.  I'm such a terrific family member who excels at selflessness.

So today I'll hand out my G$s (winners) and Duts (losers obvz) from the 2012 NFL Draft.  This isn't a difficult concept to follow although I'm quite certain that I am the only internetting writer doing this today.

Dut - Ron Jaworski.  Yes, I was a bit surprised with the Redskins draft Kirk Cousins in the 4th round.  But I knew that taking a second QB was probably going to happen because John Beck is SHIT.  I was not expecting them to take a guy in the 4th round though.  Apparently, neither did Jaws who was extremely quick to declare a QB CONTROVERSY in DC.  Let me tell you something, Jaws, you are fucking stupid and I hope that you get pussy cancer.  There is NO controversy at all here.  We love RG3.  He is our guy.  Even if he goes 1-15 next year, it will not matter.  Considering that the demography for Redskins fans is about 98% black, no one is going to be clamoring for Kirk fucking Cousins to become the starter.  NOBODY.

First of all, since when was Kirk Cousins good?  His biggest weakness is that he can't throw a ball more than 20 yards.  His only STREMPH is this perceived leadership.  If he was black, he would not have been drafted.  FACT.  But people seem to love him so why not try to groom him for a few years and then hope that he tears up the preseason and another team wants to trade a second rounder for him down the line.  It worked with Matt Schaub and Cassel and Kolb.  Everyone calls Bill Belichick a fucking genius when he pisses away a pick on Ryan Mallet but now a multiple Super Bowl winning coach is stupid for doing the EXACT same thing?  FUCK YOU, RON.  You know nothing.  Nice job getting fired from Monday Night Football.  Go watch more Arena League tape and break down more garbage that no one cares about.  Asshole.  You are wrong.  WRONG I SAY!

G$ - Redskins and Colts.  We won't waste a lot of time on this because these are obvious.  Good job by these two awful teams to take care of the most important position in the game.  I don't really care for the Colts drafting two tight ends, but there is a reason why we don't work in front offices.  It's because most of these guys no way more than we do.

Dut - Pete Carroll.  He has no idea what he is doing.  At least he drafted Russell Wilson in the third round much to Jon Gruden's delight.  Not Racist Gruden went on a pretty tremendous rant about how awesome Wilson is even though Mel and McShay kept reminding him that QBs under 6 foot tall have a zero percent success rate.  It was great.  And I was TOTES coveting Russell Wilson's wife.  She is tremendous.

G$ - The Steelers.  Goddamn these guys.  They just seem to have perfect fit players fall to them.  Obviously, them taking Mike Adams in the second round is HILARIOUS and AWFUL, but they did well everywhere else.  I like the pick of Sean Spence only because it reminds of Jeff Gilooly co-conspirator, SHANE STANT!

Dut - Lions.  If you recall, I hated their draft last year and, so far, I was right on about that.  Fairley was underwhelming, hurt, and high.  LeShoure has no knee.  Titus Young takes precious passes away from Tron.  I didn't like this draft either as it pretty much ignored the glaring deficiencies on defense (secondary and linebacker).  Reiff was a solid pick but they didn't really have another choice.  Despite Iceman's crush, Ryan Broyles was a total waste.  Why are you adding receivers still!!!  I get the whole BPA philosophy (which is why Cousins is a Skin) but eventually you need to worry about other things than the passing game which needs no more help.

G$ - Eagles.  Dammit.  Excellent job by this loathsome franchise to greatly improve that rotten front 7 on defense.  Nick Foles is fucking terrible though.

Dut - Browns fans.  You don't know anything about football.  You need to come to grips with this.  When you trot out your "perfect scenarios" for the Draft, you only show the world how retarded you are.  This sort of applies for every fanbase actually.  If your team drafts a RT that you've never heard of before and ignores the receiver from the SEC, THEY ARE RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG.  They watch tape while you just watch highlights while drunk.  Those dumbasses that are all like "DURRRR Brandon Weeden is a bazillion years old and we got fleeced by the Vikings" are the worst. 

G$ - Dolphins.  I actually thought that they did really well with Tannehill and Jonathon Martin.  You could do a lot worse than Martin and Jake Long as bookend tackles.

Dut - 49ers.  It took less than a year for Jim Harbaugh to start smelling his own farts and letting his ego destroy him.  With Crabtree, Moss, Manningham, Vernon Davis, and Kyle Williams already in the fold, where exactly does AJ Jenkins fit in?  And why are you drafting a third down back in the second?  This team was not THAT close to a Super Bowl title.  Those were terrible picks.

BIG FUCKING G$ - Bengals.  I don't know how they keep doing it.  Between the rotten ownership and minuscule scouting staff and employing John Cooper, the Bengals should not be drafting really well for the third straight year.  They flat out WON this weekend.  I didn't even like the Dre Kirkpatrick but it didn't matter because everything else that they did was amazing.  They got a great guard, two very fine DTs, Mohamed Sanu (who can play), and Orson Charles who will compliment Gresham very, very well.  I can't believe that I'm going to say this but the Cincinnati Bengals are a year or two away from being a legit Super Bowl contender.  I mean it.

Well, let me have it.  Challenge me on my Cousins rationale and Bengals love if you must, but know that you will not win these arguments.  Before we go, how about Ron Zook!  Dude may be an awful coach, but he can recruit his ass off.  4 players in the first 3 rounds!  ELITE!  Hail Zook!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Open Forum: The First Round

I'm not going to put too much effort into today's post as it should be comment driven.  I will just be typing up my thoughts as we go.  You know, like Wego the Bud Light dog!  Those commercials are sooooo fucking hilarious!  Bud Light is the king of beer commercial comedy and I hope that they all die of dick rot.  On to my running thoughts:

*I have no problem with the Browns trading up one spot and grabbing Trent Richardson.  He's the guy that they want so go get him.  It makes sense to me.  They learned their lesson from the RG3 debacle.  DON'T BE A PUSSY.  This is why you have 13 you can move up and take studs.

*That being said, I still wouldn't do it but I respect the cajones shown by the Browns front office.  But then again, knowing those people, they will probably draft Trent Green and his papier mache head.

*Ide informed me around 7 pm (remember, he is at the draft and I hope that he shares some ELITE stories today) that he is prepared to yell something racist if the Browns make a horrible pick.  I guess we will need to wait until #22.  He might get drowned out by Jets fans though.  I will absolutely lose my shit if I hear "CHRIS BERMAN IS A N*****".

*RAY LEWIS POETRY SLAM!  I can't wait for him to get paralyzed on the field.

*My wife won't stop talking to me.  This is the worst.  SHUT UP, WOMAN!  I just threatened to murder her.  She does not realize how fine of a line she is walking right now.  DO NOT RUIN MY DRAFT NIGHT.

*I like the Jags fucking over the Rams and getting Blackmon.  We will find out soon if Gabbert is garbage or not.  Blackmon and Laurent Robinson (with MoJo) = no more excuses.  All of these trades are making my boxers moist.

*Mel does not think that Ryan Kalil is ELITE.  Thanks for the shoutout!  Now we know that Kiper reads this blog.

*WHOA!  Dallas trades up to 6 for (I assume) Claiborne.  Shit is getting wild up in this piece!  By the way, Roger Goodell shakes player's hands/hugs like Mark Schlereth on the radio...a complete failure to be cool and urban.  Wow, someone in Claiborne's family looks like a black Snooki.

*Ryan Tannehill looks like a Detroit Tigers fan.  That is all.  Oh, and Miami will be forever terrible.

*Through ten picks, it seems like everyone has dreads.  Even Matt Kalil's beard was in dreads.

*LOL Dontari Poe's evil queen haircut!

*I have no idea why the Eagles traded up to get Fletcher Cox when the three teams in front of them had no need to take a DT.  Classic stupid Andy Reid.  How's Brandon Graham working out for you?

*LarryFitz AND Michael Floyd!  Wow, the Cardinals are loaded!  Oh, they still have Kevin Kolb.  Nevermind, they're fucked.

*BRUCE IRVIN!  Pete Carroll drafts fucking weird guys every damn year.  Terrible.

*It looks like I nailed it than Riley Reiff would fall and fall hard.  I AM SO SMART!

*Nice job by the Bears to completely ignore the very good OL available and drafting a LB who looks like a gay version of me.

*New England trades up to draft Chandler Bing (that's MS. Chanandler Bong) which Schefter totally spoils because he is an asshole.  Where is his suspension for embarrassing The Shield, Roger???

*By the way, the biggest bust in this draft will be Kendall Wright.

*Uh, who nailed Weeden at 22 to the Browns?  THIS FUCKING GUY DID.  I'm going to need time to process this because they left ELITE OL on the board to grab the grown man.  Why are DeCastro and Reiff dropping this far.  Those are two great players!

*Great value pick by the Lions.  Fat Stafford is only going to get better with more protection.  Plus, tackles wearing #77 are always ELITE.  And the Steelers have a stud like DeCastro fall into their lap.  Goddammit, that's an awesome pick by a team that I hate.  Sorry, Grump, no Brandon Brooks for you.  He's going to New Orleans tonight (lock it up).

*Alright, I'm just going to ignore the remaining first round picks and assume that nothing bonkers happens.  Time to put the laptop away.

Well, shit, this was a lot longer than I intended.  Whatever.  Fire away (can't wait to hear from Browns backers today).  Save some venom as I'm sure I'll review the entire draft with winners and losers on Monday.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

G$'s NFL Mock Draft

I hate Todd McShay.
The Draft is tonight.  There was a small discussion yesterday about people choosing NFL Network over ESPN.  It's hard to argue against that.  Berman and Gruden are the worst.  But I'm an ardent supporter of Mel Kiper, Jr and I will always be faithful to him.  He made the NFL Draft what it is today.  FACT.  The best part about this year's coverage is that both networks agreed to stop tipping picks which was my biggest pet peeve of these broadcasts.  This year, apparently, you won't be spoiled anymore.  THANK YOU!

So I have done my own mock draft.  I went from the standpoint of who I would draft if at that point if I was in that team's position.  I got to play GM for every team.  It was great.  There will be one player that slides that will make your head explode but I have my reasons.  Anyway, let's do this:

1. Indianapolis - Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford. Duh.
2. Washington - Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor.  Nice attempt to smear this kid's reputation by some anonymous scout saying that RG3 is selfish.  Didn't work and no one believes it.  Eat shit, scout.
3. Minnesota - Matt Kalil, OT, USC.  I don't understand why Minnesota keeps waffling here.  Other than QB, left tackle is the most important position on a football team.  If you believe in your average QB, it's probably for the best to keep him upright.
4. Cleveland - Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State. The NFL is a passing league first, second, third, and so on.  T-Rich is probably a better player, but look at all of the high pick stud running backs.  They still play for garbage teams.  Go get a stud receiver regardless of how much he laughs at Colt McCoy.  Dude looks good in orange.
5. Tampa Bay - Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU. Eventually, Ronde Barber is going to retire and Aqib Talib is going to Leavenworth so they better come up with a contingency plan.

6. St. Louis - Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State - This would be the worst case scenario for the Rams.  However, they were 31st against the run last year.  It's too early for Mikey Floyd.
7. Jacksonville - Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina. With Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Kenny Britt in the division, you better have a stud that can cover them without a ton of help.
8. Miami - Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M. Everything that they've done this offseason has been awful but they better get some QB in this draft.
9. Carolina - Melvin Ingram, OLB/DE, South Carolina.  When in doubt, get a pass rusher.  The offense is fine.  The defense needs a ton of work.
10. Buffalo - Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa. The Bills are building a fairly ELITE defense but after losing their OT to the Eagles in free agency, they need to replace him.  Reiff is not sexy, but neither is Buffalo.

11. Kansas City - Luke Kuechly, ILB, Boston College.  This guy is from Cincinnati.  How did he end up at BC?  He's a tackling machine that can cover and would be a good fit on any team.
12. Seattle - Michael Brockers, DT/DE, LSU. When in doubt, get DL help.
13. Arizona - Cordy Glenn, OT, Georgia. Fitzgerald wants Floyd but the Cards need a tackle.  Jeremy Bridges was their LT last year and he is best known for shitting his pants during a game.
14. Dallas - Mark Barron, S, Alabama. Everyone has this kid going to Dallas.  I am not going to try and out-think the room.
15. Philadelphia - Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis.  The DREAM TEAM has been rotten against the run for years now.  Poe may be a bust, but at least he can clog the middle of the line.

16. New York Jets - Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame. It would be a perfect fit here.
17. Cincinnati - Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama. Now I know that THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN, but I have so little use for running backs in today's game.  The Bengals should have signed Mike Wallace but whatever.  I just have such a hard time taking ANY RB in the top half of the first round when you can win a Super Bowl with Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw.
18. San Diego - Jonathon Martin, OT, Stanford. Because the Chargers have to be getting tired of drafting bust pass rushers.
19. Chicago - David DeCastro, OG, Stanford.  They want Floyd but a rock in the middle of that OL would be a great pick for them.
20. Tennessee - Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama - The Titans might be the team that I care the least about.  I think that they lost Finnegan to either the Rams or the Lions so they should probably replace him.

21. Cincinnati - Kevin Zeitler, OG, Wisconsin. Yeah, I'm losing steam.
22. Cleveland - Brandon Weeden, QB, Oklahoma State. Boom.  There you go.  Blackmon and Weeden to Cleveland.  Fuck Colt McCoy.  He's out.  The passing game is hopefully fixed.  Get a RB in the second (Martin, Miller, or Wilson).  No need to reach for one here.
23. Detroit - Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama.  Drew is right, this guy is perfect for the Lions.  He is sketchy, of course, but he has top 5 talent.
24. Pittsburgh - Dont'a Hightower, ILB, Alabama.  James Farrior is hot garbage and the Steelers have proven that they don't care about getting a better OL.
25. Denver - Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor. Do you trust DeMaryius Thomas and Eric Decker?  Didn't think so.

26. Houston - Courtney Upshaw, DE/OLB, Alabama. Wade Phillips loves a good pass rush and good slab of ribs.
27. New England - Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina.  Whoops, I forgot about this guy and he doesn't fit into New England's 3-4 scheme at all.  Whatever. 
28. Green Bay - Shea McClellin, OLB, Boise State.  I assume that this cat is white which makes the Packers even closer to an all-white LB corps.  Racist Gruden would love that.

29. Baltimore - Whitney Mercilus, DE/OLB, Illinois. Jarrett Johnson is getting old and they didn't get to the QB nearly as well last year as they have in the past.
30. San Francisco - Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford. Put him with Vernon Davis and you have a west coast version of Gronk/Hernandez.
31. New England - Jerel Worthy, DT, Michigan State. Vince Wilfork can't play forever and NE's defense is terrible.
32. New York Giants - Dwayne Allen, TE, Clemson. Jake Ballard and Travis Beckum are both awful.  I could see them taking Doug Martin here though.

Well, what do you think?  Enjoy the Draft this weekend. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Camp Gruden: Denard Robinson

The NFL Draft is tomorrow night.  You already knew that.  For losers like myself, I just can't get enough of it.  I don't think that there is ever a time where I could not talk about the draft.  In fact, I'm ready to discuss next year's NFL draft already.  That's right, I want to go 366 days into the future.

As I mentioned yesterday, since I'm at home all week, I've been watching a ton of ESPN because I'm not smart, too lazy to change the channel, and am sort of mesmerized by Chris McKendry's plunging neckline.  That said, I have seen way too much of those Gruden FFCA clips.  You know these, where he breaks down film with QB prospects.  Well, I managed to get my hands on Gruden's yet-to-be-filmed breakdown of Denard Robinson.  It appears to be...interesting.

Gruden: Denard Robinson.
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Denard "Shoelace" Robinson.  Shoelace.  SHOELACE!  What the heck is Shoelace?
Denard: (uncomfortable laughter) Well, I don't like it when my shoes are tight so I leave them loose.  It works for me.  I was under the impression that everyone knew about this already though?
Gruden: Loose shoes!  Let me tell you something, son, this is the NFL where Peyton Manning has been deemed a sheriff by me.  You know what NFL stands for?  Not For Long if you keep losing a shoe on every other play.  If I was still coaching, I would be telling my defense to go after them shoes.  I would put bounties on those cleats!
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Do you hear me, BOY?
Denard: Boy?
Gruden: If you want to play on MY TEAM, you tie them shoes up tight.  If not, if you want to do your own thing and put your own wants and desires ahead of my fucking team, I'll have you hung.
Denard: But coach, you aren't really a coach.  The FFCA isn't even a real thing.  You are on the Monday Night broadcast team with that sex offender guy.  Your opinion is pretty much worthless.

Gruden: What did you say to me, boy?
Denard: I mean no disrespect but what exactly makes you so qualified to grill all of us college quarterbacks?  I mean, who did you actually develop in your career?  Your only successes came from when Rich Gannon and Brad Johnson got lucky.
Gruden: Have you not heard of Shaun King.  He and I led the Buccaneers to the NFC title game in 2000.
Denard: Shaun King?  That's right.  Hell of an analyst on ESPNU.
Gruden: He learned everything he knows from me.  Anyway, enough about my (lack of) resume.  Let's talk about what makes DENARD ROBINSON click.

(turns on game film from 2011 Michigan/Notre Dame game)

Gruden: THIS GAME was one heckuva game.  Now on these deep balls, are you purposely underthrowing your receivers.
Denard: Yes sir.  I had to.  My receivers weren't fast enough to beat those ELITE Notre Dame corners.
Gruden: Oh fuck you.  Look at this shit.  You're trying to throw deep balls off of your back foot and the fact that your receivers stopped and waited on your wounded ducks to fall from the clouds is pure luck.
Denard: (dejected) You're right.  I have no touch on my passes.
Gruden: Now look at this right here.  What are you thinking?
Denard: What do you mean, Coach.  I bought some time in the pocket and found my wide open receiver streaking down the sideline.  He had to run in place for 5 seconds for my pass to get there, but I found him and it set us up for the game-winning touchdown.
Gruden: No, that's not what I'm talking about.  Why would you ever throw a pass to a white kid with less than a minute left in the game and no timeouts?  That tells me that you make poor decisions.
Denard: I never thought of it that way.  I'm sorry.
Gruden: Look, SHOELACE, a year ago I had Nick Foles sitting in that very chair because...(sits there silently for 7 minutes trying to figure out why Nick Foles was invited last year)...oh, you're still here?  I want you to head up to the dry erase board and draw me up a play.

(Denard is drawing up a play)

Denard: Which one do you want to see first, Coach?  I've got read, run, and chuck.  Coach Hoke runs a complicated offense.  I can slow down if you want me to.
Gruden: You guys only ran three plays???
Denard: Yes sir, our playbook was HUGE compared to when Coach Rod was here.  We just ran one play under him, Be Completely Terrible.  It was not very efficient or effective.
Gruden: Holy shit.  Three plays?  Is it because you're dumb?
Denard: No sir.  I have a lot of responsibility.  If I was tired, I handed off on a sweep.  If I was rested, I took off.  And if I got confused about whether or not I was tired or rested, I would just chuck it up for grabs.
Gruden: Well, that explains your 1500 yards rushing and 18% completion percentage.
Denard: I'm what they call a "Playmaker", coach.
Gruden: No, you're what they call a "stereotype".  Let's head out to the field.

(they head out to the FFCA mock football field)

Denard: Where are the receivers, Coach?
Gruden: Receivers?  Oh, we're not going to need those.  I've already seen you throw enough.
Denard: Sir?
Gruden: Your days of pretending to be a QB are over.  Hell, they should have been over when you couldn't beat out Tate Forcier as a Freshman.
Denard: But I've always been a QB.
Gruden: No, you've always done a poor impersonation of a quarterback and it has to stop.  Do you know who Brad Smith is?  Because your ceiling is to be a homeless man's version of him, Darkness.
Denard: I believe that I can be a starting QB in the NFL.
Gruden: Trust me, you can't do that.  Your head would explode during the first film session if it remains intact after you get a look at the playbook.  Now get your black ass down on the goal line and I'm going to punt balls at you for the next hour.
Denard: But coach--
Gruden: I'm not going to tell you again.  Now tie those fucking shoes.
Denard: But Todd McShay has me going 4th overall to the Browns!
Gruden: FUCK YOU, BUSTA RHYMES!  Remind me to fuck McShay's wife.
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Where was I?  Jesus Christ, I didn't know that I was running a Punt Returner Camp.

Now, I don't actually believe that Jon Gruden is a racist but it feels like an angle that my readers would appreciate so I went with it.  This blogger has no regrets with that artistic decision.  I just sort of wanted to spend today reminding everyone that Denard Robinson is a terrible quarterback who better start learning how to catch passes in traffic unless he wants to get a real job.  But, you know, he's still better than Braxton Miller.  Mock draft tomorrow, yo.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

MAN! I'm Tired of Being Right!

                "It's to keep aliens from reading my thoughts.  Made it myself!"

If you remember (and you probably don't) back in January, I wrote an NBA post that was about as popular as watching two obese rhinos gorge themselves at a Golden Corral.  In that post I made some ELITE predictions so I figured what better way to warm up to the NFL draft then by revisiting said ELITEness.  I will now grade myself with either a very robust Bill Raftery "ONIONS!", or humbly admit defeat with a "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special".

First item on the agenda: Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing.  They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round.  That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.

Result:  As far as we can tell...ONIONS!  38-26 with a power grip on the 5th seed.  I would say I pretty much nailed that prediction...unless you really believe Atlanta has the sack juice to slide past Boston in round one.  And if you believe that I have a bag of magic beans to sell you.  And by a bag of magic beans I mean a bag filled with dog shit with the words "Magic Beans" crudely inscribed by my 12 year old cousin.  I urge you to just ignore whatever fucktard argument any Atlanta fans form.  Just know that the only time Atlanta beat Boston this year was when Jesus Shuttlesworth, Jelly Tits and Kevin "I'm the second biggest pussy behind Carmelo Anthony" Garnett didn't play.  Sounds promising.

Item number two: Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.

Well, OBVZ we'll have to wait and see how this plays out but I'm going to give myself a preemptive "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special" on this pick.  Philly TOTES went fuckin rogue on me right around the All Star break.  I should have known a team that relies so heavily on Andre Iguodala  wouldn't be able to deliver.  Landing Chicago in the first round almost guaranSHEEDs their early exit.  Even if the Fighting Underbites are able to overtake the LOLest super team Knicks for the 7th seed, Philly still gets the honor of getting their buttholes split to the bottom of their balls by G$'s three favorite studs.  Either way, it's safe to say Philly's fucked.

Item number three: Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over.

Yep.  "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special'ed" the shit out of that one.  Man...I was sure this power struggle was going to unexpectedly spring up again like a turd jail breaking from your anus.  I was sure as sure as I am that Iguodala can chew through a phone book in under 10 seconds.  I think this childish feud is more Westbrook than Durant, though.  Rusty (I just decided that all Russell's are now Rusty's) seems like the guy who puts way too much emphasis on being "the guy" where Durant just wants to win.  I was puzzled when OKC shelled out the cash for Rusty because now they have a piece that is nearly impossible to trade if shit gets all 4th grade in the locker room.  And it could.  MAN, there's a lot of poop metaphors going on here.

Item number four: Who comes out:  The Heat.  Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart.  Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.

Similar to Drew's recent AIDS test, we have to sit back, wait and hope for the best.   But I think I'm closer to an "ONIONS!" on this one considering the sudden weak state of the Eastern Conference.  Derrick Rose has a barrage of nagging injuries, Carlos Boozer is a 30 year old with bacne, Indiana has Tyler Hansbrough, Dwight Howard had surprise season ending back surgery...because that's what scumbags do, and the rest of the East is a moist fart.  I don't think the Heat could have it any easier which makes me smile.

Item number five: The Timberwolves make the playoffs

"MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special"...although if Rubio doesn't mutilate his knee the way he did I think this prediction is dead on.  Injuries destroyed the T-Wolves this year and they were never able to properly compete once they started stacking up.  The T-Wolves are a fun little team, though.  Even if they do cosmic homo shit like this (love the visor, queer), there's always a LOL Darko moment to lighten the mood.  And by lighten the mood I mean question whether Darko is minutes away from chasing a bottle of sleeping pills with Everclear.  Nothing says "Go fuck yourself AND this interview" quite like gazing into the distance while half assing your way through no brainer questions.  A+ work, my friend.  If only he still had the Eminem hair.

Final item: Who comes out:  Oklahoma City

Another wait and see prediction but I still think this team plays for the title, so "ONIONS!".  James Harden getting brained by Metro Fuck Bag Shit Dick with an obvious blatant elbow doesn't help the Thunder's cause if Harden sits for awhile, but this team is pretty damn deep.  Actual deep...not MuDawg's definition of deep as defined by this year's fucking terrible Atlanta team.  Speaking of assholes, is there any question that Artest elbow was completely on purpose?  His explanation of the whole thing and how it was a total accident brought upon laughter so heavy, I felt myself going hoarse.  What a complete fucking jackass.  I normally don't call for lifetime bans in a sport but I think it's time in this case.  Artest is just a walking powder keg who's constantly juggling lit matches.

That brings the final count to 3-3.  ELITE if I were the Atlanta Hawks.  I suppose .500 isn't too bad...especially since most of you probably don't even give a shit.  Whatever, we're all just biding time until Thursday anyway, right?  Right.  In the meantime I'm gonna go watch that Artest elbow again.  LOLZ!  "Just DISGRACEFUL!!!"  Awesome.

Monday, April 23, 2012

An Update On My Quest For Glory

Move the fuck over, William Hung.
To start off this blogging week, I figured that I will keep you all abreast on my desire to be a contestant on/win Big Brother this coming Summer.  It's been awhile since I've discussed this but since things are starting to progress, you deserve to know how things are coming.  For the most part, my application is complete and ready to be mailed to Studio City so that the casting people can fall in love with my beautiful mug immediately.  But there have been some obstacles that are almost completely overcome.

OK, so in the packet of things that must be included in order to qualify to be a contestant on the Summer's #1 reality show on America's most watched network (that's a mouthful), I must provide 5 things: a copy of my driver's license and social security card (no problem there), a finished 10 page questionnaire that I added more to this week but you already knew that I finished that, 2 pictures (one of the face and one full length of my sex temple AKA hot body), clothing sizes, and the 2 minute video.  Let's talk about each one in particular except for the DL and SS since that has no side story at all.

1. The questionnaire - I answered all of their questions honestly (as I should).  There was a question in the middle that asked if I had ever done any work on TV in the past.  My answer was "When I was in 6th grade, I did a kid's news show on public access called News Six (it was a horrible show as you can imagine and -Rex's brother starred on the program with me--for some reason we did not do a feature on his hold and my extra point kick that took place 6 years in the future) and I also did color commentary for high school basketball games a few years later.  So, basically, no I have no meaningful experience on TV."

2. 2 Pictures - This was harder than I expected because I never take pictures of myself and my wife would kill me if I just started yanking pictures out of our wedding album.  She's a real bitch like that!  So we bought a color printer and I headed to Facebook to find some passable photos.  I found one close-up from our wedding online that I was able to use.  The full length photo was tougher.  I ended up using the picture captured on a trip to Oxford this past Fall (from the infamous Four Loko night!) and (deep, deep sigh) it is the picture with Grumpy, his friend The Big Guy, and myself in a retro Miami Big Ben jersey.  Grump, if I get passed over in the casting process, I'm blaming your old ass!  I can't believe that I chose that picture but at least I look really hot standing next to those old death cheaters.  Fuck me sideways for not having any other options for head-to-toe pictures.  Grumpy is the worst.  He already owes me 500K for ruining my dream.

3. Getting sized - There is a portion of the application that asks for jacket size, waist, chest, arm length, inseam, etc.  Since I work right by a mall, I headed to Men's Warehouse a few weeks ago over my lunch break to get that done.  I was greeted by a nice, young, possibly gay chap who was more than willing to help out.  I was OK if he wanted to cup my balls because, you know, guy's gotta eat.  I handed him the form (which I had barely glanced at fully) and he immediately had a ton of questions.  First of all, he asked what this is for.  Now, I have no shame in admitting that I want to be on a reality TV show, but at that moment, I had no desire to tell this gay man about it.  So I lied and said that it was for an out-of-state wedding.  He seemed skeptical but continued with the sizing nonetheless.  He did the normal suit sizing and whatnot but then got to the awkward part.

Gay - Why do they want to know your underwear size?
G$ - Uh, hmmm, yeah, the bride is a real control freak.
Gay - I see that.  Is she really planning on buying everyone in the wedding party a pair of underwear for the ceremony?  That seems like a bit much.
G$ - Yeah, uh, she's a real control freak.  I've only met her once and she seemed like a bitch.
Gay - Shoe size?  Well, I suppose that's a legitimate request.
G$ - Yeah.
Gay - Are you right or left handed?  OK, that doesn't make any sense.  What does that have to do with a tuxedo?
G$ - I know.  But she wants to know or something so I'll give it to her just to avoid getting yelled at.
Gay - Eye Color?  Well, I already know that you have blue eyes.
G$ - ???

Was he trying to hit on me with that knowledge about my eyes?  Was he actually sizing ME up?  I'm so flattered.  If this sham marriage that I'm currently in ever fails at least I know that there's a fine young homosexual at Men's Warehouse that would want to take me out for wine and caviche.  I also found out that my left shoulder hangs just a little bit lower than my right.  I am not symmetrical.  How did I never notice this!  I'M A GODDAMN FREAK!  I'm pretty much Sloth now.  HEY YOU GUYS!  But anyway, after a really awkward and entertaining five minutes of lying to the gay guy, we got it done.

4. The video - Ah yes, the video.  We have talked about this a few times either here or in person.  Drew had a good idea for a "man of the people" sketch where I get my pirate neighbors, the El Vaquero staff, Plugged Nickel regulars, the homeless, and I don't know, Jack Nicklaus to throw their support behind me.  It is a great plan but has two problems: 1. No one offered to help and 2. I only have 2 minutes to convince Hollywood types that I am better than thousands of other applicants.  I don't see that this is a feasible option simply due to timing.

I spent a lot of the last week creating my storyboard for what I wanted to say and when I would say that so that it flowed well without a lot of hemming and hawing.  I think that I have a good outline.  My goal is to spend 30 seconds each on who I am, why I want to do it, how I would win the game, and why they need me.  I think that it's funny (and it better be to help overcome the whole Grumpy factor).  I'm shooting it while sitting on my bathroom toilet (not shitting though unfortunately--but since I would guess that most people would use a webcam, this will help me stand out; the toilet was my creative decision and I stand by it...THE TOILET MAN CAN!!!).  I casually threaten the people watching it and deciding on my fate.  I remind them that this network pays Rob Schneider thousands of dollars per horrible episode and I'm at least five times funnier and will work for Big Brother slop.  AT LEAST five times funnier than The Animal.  Or at least I would have said all of that.

I've had issues with the camera.  It seems as though I know no one with a camcorder.  The wife borrowed one from her sister a few weeks ago and, of course, it is old as shit.  It records video on 8mm tapes which apparently are about as rare and out of date as powdered wigs outside of a Biz Markie video.  Plus, BB notes in the application that they don't accept 8mm tapes which no one sells anymore anyway.  SWEET!  Since I don't have a webcam and don't know anyone else who does either, I'm in a bit of a pickle now.

Enter my wife who came up with the great idea of getting her sisters to pitch in and buy my father-in-law a digital camcorder for Father's Day.  Sorry, Fred, if you are reading this (and I know that you aren't), you are getting one of these in June.  But I will be using it first to take care of some business.  She$ is going to be picking it up in the next few days (if she hasn't already by the time that this posts).  So we are BACK ON TRACK.

Applications are due in by May 11th so I have a little more time but that time is slowly running out and I'm starting to get a tad nervous.  I don't want to use a webcam at all because there is nothing original about that.  But I just want to get this finished immediately so I can just sit back and wait for Hollywood to call me up and tell me that I'm one of the 40 finalists and that they want to fly me out to LA to meet me.  So that is where we stand in my quest for reality TV glory.  Thoughts? 

Friday, April 20, 2012

D'OH Ryan

Fuck me?  FUCK YOU!
Most of you probably know about this or have heard snippets of it already, but yesterday Bo Ryan went on Mike and Mike to talk about this whole transfer mess that Wisconsin is currently embroiled in. He COMPLETELY embarrassed himself and his school. I mean that was like a nuclear meltdown that would make Bob Knight cringe. Look, we all know that Mike and Mike are about as hard-hitting as Kate Upton’s tits. Did that make sense? I kind of just wanted to throw “KATE UPTON’S TITS” in there to increase search traffic. What I’m trying to say is that Mike and Mike are the kings of lob-ball journalism. They haven’t asked a tough question in a coon’s age. Yet yesterday morning they got Boseph to go completely mental. It was quite glorious actually. Anyway, the story is as followed:

Former Iowa Mr. Basketball, Jarrod Uthoff, redshirted this season in his first year with the program. He decided that he wanted to go elsewhere because he didn’t think that he fit in with Ryan’s style of play. I’m not sure why he didn’t think of that before signing there but whatever. Wisconsin/Ryan informed Uthoff that he would not be permitted to contact (and vice versa) every Big Ten and ACC School, plus Iowa State and Marquette. Uthoff is appealing this obviously since that seems like a bit much. Recently, we learned that Wisconsin claims that the kid did not file the proper appeal paperwork on time. This claim is a lie because the letter was sitting in the associate AD’s mailbox the entire fucking time. Now, we wait for Barry Alvarez or somebody to rule. This is what we know. And now it’s time for my opinion.

First of all, let’s just get this out there; nobody is going to want a guy that looks like this.
Colombine was awesome.
Second, I can go either way when it comes to transfers. Most of the time, I believe that if you make a commitment to a school and they give you a scholarship, you should stay there and honor that commitment. But there are some exceptions to that rule. Unfortunately, many kids make that choice based on the coach and if there is upheaval surrounding that job, then that effects things. Other times, kids are just in way over their heads and would be better off at a smaller school where they can play. Or, you know, drugs and stuff. I get all of that. What I’m trying to say here is that I’m a total hypocrite. I have no problem with stupid kids wanting to play elsewhere…unless they don’t want to play for my alma mater anymore. Then, FUCK THEM. But transferring happens all the time. It seems like every program either loses a kid or brings in a transfer every year now. Whether Bo Ryan and I like it or not, it is part of the culture and it always will be.

Third, Bo Ryan is being a huge asshole that is out of touch with reality but at the same time, he has every right to enforce a competition clause. I sort of see where he is coming from. This kid knows what he likes to do and his tendencies so he doesn’t want him to end up somewhere where that knowledge could be used against him. I’m told that this happens in the business world all the time (the blocking of employees from going to a rival company). But throwing a massive net over 20-30 schools seems a bit harsh. It’s like using a sledge hammer to kill a spider. And why “all of the ACC and Iowa State” anyway? Wisconsin plays one game against the ACC every year; is he THAT paranoid? I’m all for Bo Ryan looking like a complete shithead and going insane on national radio but some times you just need to pick your battles. This is not one that they should be fighting at all. Wisconsin is getting MURDERED in the court of public opinion (much like Phil Martelli and St. Joe’s did earlier this year when a similar story came out about them blocking a transfer for no good reason).

It’s time to just meet halfway, block him from talking to Marquette and the Big Ten, and thank Buddha that this PR nightmare is over. What say you though? Should Bo Ryan stick to his guns, relent on his cocksuckerness for once, or swallow ten fistfuls of rat poison and do us all a huge favor?

FUCK!  After I wrote this beauty, goddamn Barry Alvarez ruled that just the Big Ten restriction remains.  Whatever, I'm not changing anything.

That’s it for me this week. As I have mentioned, I am on stay-cation all of next week (fuck yeah!). But Showtime is not showing this year’s AVN Awards for me to live blog (fuck no!). Yet I’m already working on my mock draft for Thursday (SICK!). But my in-laws are rumored to be staying over again next weekend (good for you, bad for me!). Make sure that you get here early and often on Monday as I have breaking site news that you all need/are dying to know (trust me). Love you, bye.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Does The Hokester Have A Rebuttal and Other Stuff

When is SMU's "Hillbilly Jim Appreciation Night"?  And yes, that is Larry Brown's ABA era moose-knuckle.
I’ve got a bunch of quick hitters that I want to address today and that will comprise your bathroom reading for Thursday. But first, did you hear that Tom Crean offered a scholarship to Eric Gordon’s little brother? Oh, don’t worry; the kid is just an 8th grader. MIDDLE SCHOOL! Tom Crean is the worst. There is nothing dirtier than college sports recruiting. It is a filthy business and just one of ten million reasons for why professional sports are superior. FACT. By the way, I don’t care about Pat Summitt retiring due to dementia at all. I’m a cold-hearted sonofabitch! Also, Pizza Face Smotrycz is going to Maryland while Jordan Sibert is getting Flyer’ed Up. I am a real news breaker! Anyway, on with the show…

Larry Brown is going to SMU for 12 games before quitting – I suppose I get WHY they would do this since they are joining the Big East and want to make some sort of splash, but it is still confusing. Larry Brown is old as shit. He’s more decrepit than Grumpy and we all know how senile that guy is! Apparently, he convinced the HEAD COACH at Illinois State to be his ASSISTANT (and coach-in-waiting) while getting some of Worldwide Wes’s boys to also join his staff. Is this the beginning of a new power rising from Dallas? Probably not but it makes a program that no one gives a damn about at least somewhat interesting. Although I do wonder what will happen to Kahoots now that Larry Brown has left his post there to coach basketball again. Won’t someone please think of the strip club that really isn’t a strip club!

Are you watching the NHL Playoffs? You should be – If you enjoy cheap and dirty hits as much as I do, this has been incredible so far. I’ve actually memorized what the channel numbers are for NBC Sports Network and CNBC. By the way, TV ratings are WAY up this year which is good (GOTTA SEE IT LIVE!). There is something for everyone to enjoy. Whether it be horrible and nonsensical discipline from Brendan Shanahan or the giant gash of Sidney Crosby or the numerous former Jackets on Phoenix or the reignited Tim Thomas/Obama feud or my deep hatred of TJ Oshie or the fact that Ottawa and Florida both exist or, my favorite, PEKKA RINNE OWNING RED WING ASS! Rinne is the TROOF. When does he send the Wings home for the Summer?  Is it tonight or tomorrow?  This first round has it all. I am enjoying the shit out of it. Fuck Detroit. Fuck Drew. Fuck The Sauls, too. Why not, I’m on a roll.

Phil Fulmer wants another chance to fail – This guy is a terrible coach. He always has been. Now he wants to be handed the Arkansas job. They’re probably dumb enough to give it to him. Let this be a lesson that the South is the dumbest place on Earth. I see that that Dorrell broad finally resigned from the school. What was she waiting for exactly? Actually, she probably saw these Fulmer rumors and realized that she had no desire to lick his fat scrote. Good thinking, whore.

The Ultimate Dantonio does not fear The Hokester - "We're laying in the weeds," Dantonio told Brian Bennett. "We've beat Michigan the last four years. So where's the threat?" BOOM! FUCKING ROASTED! I like this. Dantonio ain’t afraid of shit. And I truly enjoy the slow subtle shift from a college football conference to the late 80’s WWF. Bret Bielema is the Brooklyn Brawler in this analogy. LIT-TLE BRO-THER!!!

Jim Irsay is a cocksucker – I am a real man that does not cheapen my reputation by joining Twitter so I only hear about how annoying the Colts owner is via a second party. He apparently is on there all the time posting random song lyrics and being a general douche. Now he says that he knows who the Colts will take but he won’t tell anyone. Oh that’s cute. The owner of an NFL team is also a 13 year old girl. Adorable!

The NFL schedule has been released; it does not matter – Yes, I watched a good chunk of the coverage on ESPN and NFL Network on Tuesday night. I am part of the problem. It’s fun to see when your team plays all of their big games though and when they will be on primetime. The Redskins play the AFC North and NFC South this year which would be tough even if they were a good team (which they are not although they will be entertaining as fuck). A couple of games stood out to me though: at Pittsburgh (prepare to see a repeat of last year’s preseason dominance, bitches!!!), Carolina (Cam AND RGIII!), at Cleveland (get a good look at what you could have had at QB, queerbates), and of course, at Dallas on Thanksgiving Day. I can’t wait for that. The best holiday of the year will be Griffin’s first national exposure against our most hated rival. Awesome sauce. Thoughts on your team’s schedule (as if it matters right now)? Any road trips planned? After texting my dad about the Thanksgiving Day game, he replied with a “Let’s Go”. I’m not sure if he’s just pumped or if he is considering going to Jerry’s World. That would be intense. I would definitely shit on the floor there.

If you think that I’m dumb enough to go up to Cleveland in Redskins gear in mid-December, you are nuts. First of all, I’m not going to sit on Lake Erie when it’s 4 degrees outside to watch those two teams play and every Browns fan is an asshole. So that’s the end of that discussion. By the way, the other night the Pistons led the Cavs after 3 quarters by 50 points (100-50). Unbelievable, I guess that Manny Harris just isn’t cutting it. And thus, your Thursday post is complete.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Burn, Motherf*cker, Burn

Uh, is that a DAVID LIGHTY jersey in there???
On Monday, Prime alerted us to a segment of Jim Rome’s radio show where he was discussing a potential sequel to the Vancouver riots due to their hockey team being a bunch of horrible pussies. Prime then asked me to write up a post regarding when it is OK and when it is not OK to riot. I admit that I am no expert on the topic but it’s not like that has ever stopped me before. I will also admit that I have never taken part in a riot because I’m all class and I respect America. Needless to say, I am THE authority when it comes to riot analysis (at least for today I am).

Before we analyze the reasons that lead to public discontent transforming into anarchy on the streets, we need to understand WHY these things happen. I don’t care about fascist dictators or some black kid in a hoodie or whatever so, in my mind, every riot has been spawned from sporting results. FACT! With the exception of the people of Vancouver and a few others that I don’t remember, I would say that the majority of riots take place on college campuses by college kids. By the way, it still makes zero sense why Canucks fans destroyed the city last summer. They got crushed in game 7, it’s not like it was some heartbreaker. Anyway, knowing this, the two main factors leading to riots are:
1. Awful city
2. Stupid fans
When you take those two things into account, it makes perfect sense why riots happen in East Lansing, Lexington, and Morgantown. So with that said, let’s breakdown the reasons why riots may occur and give a verdict as to whether that logic is acceptable or not.

Did your team/school just win a title? UNACCEPTABLE. There are caveats that I will get into in a few minutes but my general belief is that you should go wild, get shit-faced, and love every minute of it but to also act like you’ve been there before. Karma has blessed you…don’t piss off karma.

Did your team/school just lose a title? UNACCEPTABLE. Be a fucking man and deal with your sadness the way that God intended—by drinking twice as much alcohol as you should and then hate-jerk yourself sleep.

Did your school just win a national title in a sport that your school does not make its #1 priority? UNACCEPTABLE. Ohio State fans are not allowed to riot over a potential future basketball title. Sparty fans can’t flip cars for football. Duke football fans don’t exist. Even if Kevin Durant comes back to cut down the nets for Rick Barnes (highly illegal), Austin can not be set ablaze.

Are you a tortured fanbase that just tasted victory for the first time in over a generation? ACCEPTABLE! The key word here is “generation”. Those that are long and suffering—that have dealt with decades of achy breaky hearts—are permitted to get a little out of control and cost the city some money.

Did you just complete an undefeated season with a win over your arch rival and now you are playing for a national title? CASE-BY-CASE. I’m pretty much referencing the 2002 Ohio State win over Michigan (in a dreadful game) that launched the Flukeyes into the national title game. It was sort of a perfect storm and ended with the team finally getting over the top which I’m sure resulted in an infinite number of pepper spray canisters being shot onto Chittenden Ave that night.

Did you just lose a huge game because of incompetent officiating? UNACCEPTABLE. Obviously, games aren’t won or lost on one play. Any idiot knows that. But exactly what is the point of looting your town because a referee incorrectly called your star player for a charge even though the defender was still moving? “That’s bullshit! I’m taking this fucking flat screen TV! That will show that ref!” It makes no sense although looting sounds like a whole shitload of fun.

Did your team just lose because of a miracle play that would never happen again in a million years? ACCEPTABLE! I’ll tell you what: if I was a Bills fan that had to watch the replay booth completely fuck me out of a playoff win because they didn’t want to correctly overturn that Music City Miracle forward pass, I would have just started strangling cats until someone stopped me by smashing my head to pieces. That would have KILLED me. I just don’t know how Bills fans can keep doing it.

Did your team just get relocated to a worse city? ACCEPTABLE! I don’t recall Browns fans rioting much outside of the stadium during that final home game (although I do remember ripping seats out in an act of Herculean STREMPH). That was a huge mistake. They should have torched that dump of a stadium to get a head start on the parking lot that currently resides there.

Are you a Bills/Cubs/Cleveland fan? UNACCEPTABLE. There may come a day when the fans of these horrible franchises are rewarded for sticking beside their awful teams. I said MAY. If it does happen down the line, your reaction should not be to fuck up the city. It should be complete and utter jubilation. There should not be one violent thought in your body at that moment. You should be hugging, high-fiving, or copping a feel off of everybody you pass. At some point, you need to reflect on those long-suffering fans (or family members) that are not with you anymore who do not get to share in your triumph. But then you need to gather yourself quickly because you are TOTES getting laid that night!

Are you Trey Wingo?  KILL YOURSELF.

BONUS: Did your local "global icon" who promised to win you a title leave you high and dry in an embarrassing fashion? ACCEPTABLE. Send the damage bill to that big ass house in Akron. Fuck LeBron.

Is your front office/athletic department completely stupid and continues to shovel shit on you? UNACCEPTABLE. Sorry, bro, but you choo-choo-choose your own teams. Once you made that choice, you’re stuck with them. Although if you have a completely inept owner/AD like, say, a Dan Snyder/Brad Bates, it would be ACCEPTABLE to plant a bomb under the front seat of his Rolls Royce/Dodge Stratus. Rioting is not cool but murder is.

Did your football coach get fired for aiding and abetting a known child molester? UNACCEPTABLE. You don’t get to be mad about this EVER. I don’t care how many libraries he built.

Did said football coach die a few weeks later from a broken heart/cancer? UNACCEPTABLE. You don’t get to be mad about this FOREVER AND EVER. You can be sad that it ended the way that it did, but put down the torch immediately.

Did your football program completely ignore their moral responsibility to handle the teeny, tiny issue of child molestation? ACCEPTABLE! Now pick that torch back up!!! Pretty much everything in your town that was once thought of as a positive provided by that coach was all a goddamn lie because of a decade of pedophilia under his coke bottle glasses. That makes everything fake. That means that you can destroy it without penalty because it was all a sham! You bought into everything that they sold you and it was all a bunch of SHIT. Hell, you should be allowed one free cop killing for that. Just kidding. Please don’t kill a cop. That would not end well for you.

Do you just want to celebrate/vent by destroying public and private property? Do you want to play chicken with law enforcement? UNACCEPTABLE. No matter where you go or who you are with, when a situation starts to become a little tense and there are some officers around, someone will ALWAYS get tough and be all like “FUCK THOSE PIGS”. That usually leads to something stupid all in the name of CALIPARI CUTTIN’ NETS WOOOOOO! Take it from Rodney King and that Trayvon fella: the police have no problems with beating your ass for the smallest of reasons. Hell, they might even kill you. Let the frat boy absorb that beating while you rub his girlfriend’s vagina through her awesome black yoga pants.

Basically, there is a time and a place for everything. Most of the time, sports fans give no fucks about that though and, honestly, if their only choice of actions after a big game is to either light couches on fire and flip cars over or sexually assault the mayor’s daughter then fuck you, John Q. Taxpayer. If you have any other situations that you would like for me to judge, leave them in the comments and I will evaluate them. Judge G$ is ready to rule!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

NFL Draft Dick Tease

          "I will run your ass over and make many, many babies.  In that order."

By the time you all read this I'll be buying illegal drugs from some Mexican immigrant in Fort Worth, Texas.  Just have to find a way to loosen the 'ol turd cutter so I can smuggle them back.  Just kidding...the dealer is actually American born.  Unfortunately this trip is 100% business related so I won't have a chance to wake up from a tequila bender hogtied, covered in poop, wearing a slutty Han Solo outfit while slowly coming to the realization that I was just sold on the Mexican black sexual market.

As most of you know, I'm super gay for the NFL draft.  I squeal like a little piglet every time I think about it.  Why, you ask?  Because I was doomed from infancy to cheer for a perennial fucking loser whose organization cares more about limited edition Cracker Jack prizes than improving the team.  For douchebags too dumb to move me...the draft gives hope that one day the Browns will fuck up and accidentally draft some good players to build around.  I mean, eventually this team will be good again, right?  In the meantime at least I have Mike Polk Jr. to keep me happy and entertained.  And since I'm feeling pretty fuckin generous today...a little something for all you Cavs fans out there as well.

So that brings us to this year's draft and some thoughts I have on the entire draft weekend.  This should be a nice little warm up to G$'s annual MoneyShot mock draft.  And if he didn't have an annual mock draft post...he does now because of what I just wrote.  You're welcome.

-Todd McShay is a fucking loser.  Every year that passes I just start to hate this guy more and more.  And it's real, pure hatred too.  How can someone with so little to offer in terms of anything draft related be delegated so much responsibility?  It's just negligent and careless.  It's like letting a fucking 4 year old drive you to work in the morning or insisting the dog make you breakfast.  Why is there a turd in my coffee, McShay?!  BAD MCSHAY!!  He's not helping his cause with me by doing everything in his power to convince the Cleveland brass to pull the trigger on Ryan Tannehill at 4.  STOP IT ALREADY, MCDICKLICKER!  You know these guys can be talked into just about anything.

-Michael Floyd is going to be a terrible pro.  This is a FACT.  He's least he looks slow to me.  He's from Notre Dame.  And he's seen James Clausen's naked blonde pubed wiener.  Or at least what he's passing off as a wiener these days.  Would you spend a first round pick on a guy like that?  The only way I can see Floyd being any good is if you soak all the balls in low grade rum before the game.  Like the shit the hobos drink.  You know that fuckin drunk won't drop a single one of those passes.  Want to know what Floyd's NFL career will be like?  See:  Tai(n)t, Golden.

-What is the God Damn deal with the Ryan Tannehill meteoric rise?  I'll tell you exactly fucking what.  It's McShay taking a page out of the Mel Kiper "I love Joe Flacco for absolutely no reason" memoir published only a short time ago.  It was penned with Kiper semen.  Remember when Kiper was all horny and rabid for Joe Flacco's unibrowed penis head inside his anal cavity?  Well, I do.  At the time I was willing to wager my 401K that Kiper was related to Flacco in some weird West Virginia "my mom accidentally (wink wink) married her first cousin" kinda way and was looking to score on some of that rookie signing bonus.  Baltimore let Kiper talk them into Joe Flacco and now they're stuck with him in order to save the embarrassment of letting the truth out.  The truth that Kiper bamboozled them.  Tannehill is going to hold some lucky team hostage in the same exact way.

-Dre Kirkpatrick will get arrested at least once in his first NFL year.  Don't believe me?  Check this shit out.

"Kirkpatrick was arrested back in January for possessing a small amount of marijuana while he was a passenger in a vehicle being driven on the wrong side of the road."

LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!  I'll pass, thankyouverymuch.  I'd rather go for Morris Claiborne where the only off the field issue I'll have to endure is someone having to read the menu for him at team meals.

-Someone out there is going to take a chance on Ryan Broyles and that same team will be lucky they did.  If you remember, Broyles blew out his knee around October-ish (I believe) and has been rehabbing it in preparation for the draft.  Since that was /counts on fingers/ roughly 6 months ago, he should be fully healed by the time training camp starts.  This guy was a GOT DAMN beast at Oklahomo and should have a real chance to contribute from day one in the right situation.  No one is even mentioning this guy right now but if not for an ACL tear he could have been a 1st or 2nd round pick.  It's just crazy to me that guys like Stephen Hill will be drafted before Broyles.

-Reaching on a guy based out of "need" is such a fucking dumb thing to say/do.  That's all I've been hearing the last couple of years.  "Well, Bill...(insert any bottom feeder team here) seem to have monumentally fucked themselves and reached a bit using their 1st round pick for a guy we had projected to go in the 3rd round, but HEY!  They DID have a need at that position. Sooooooo *fart noise."  If a guy doesn't have first round talent...then don't fucking draft him in the first round.  I mean, is that too fucking simple for people to understand?  Who gives a hairy horse shit if someone else beats you to this guy and he doesn't make it back to you in the 2nd or 3rd round?  Let someone else fuck up and waste a pick on someone who is probably a terrible player anyway.  I have a serious need for a bag of jelly beans that needs to be addressed...but I'm sure as shit not going to use the last of the gas in my car and pay $20 for one if that's all that's currently available.  I can wait until next year for jelly beans.  Blond jelly beans from SoCal with a smile that can make your mom's pussy melt!

That's about all I've got.  What do you assholes think?  Overrated and underrated guys?  I would love another one of those debates.  They're G$'s favorite!  I think the Browns take Richardson at 4 and let Blackmon be someone else's headache/PR nightmare.  We know who the Skins are taking since A) Dan Snyder almost went bankrupt making the move and B) we can see G$'s RG3 boner from outer space.  Sound off on your favorite team.  Drew?  Do the Lions take another dipshit with an insatiable thirst for THC?  What about you, Prime?  Who does Jay Cutler get to lather up in the showers come August?  Since the Steelers can't draft "The Ben" again Grumpy, who do you want to see America fucking loathe for the next decade while being a cheap shotting fuck in black and yellow?  Who's the next member of the most LOLest dream team in the history of dream teams, Ace?  Discuss.  Now if you'll excuse me I have some drugs to purchase and Mexicans to beat up.  YEE HAW MUTHERFUCKERS!

Monday, April 16, 2012

MLB After Two Weeks (Very Creative Title)

Our home and native land.
Since I am currently spending most of my limited creativity on other projects (you will hear more about this at a later date), I figured that today we can talk about the 2012 baseball season after 8 or 9 games.  It will be as if what has already happened will continue through the rest of the Summer!  Let's all be short-sighted idiots that overreact to everything!  You know that Ozzie Guillen guy?  He actually gives money to a group of scientists that are trying to spread cancer!  TRUE STORY FACT!  Anyway, just a bunch of bullet points today featuring my always ELITE opinions.

*Damman and I were sitting at a bar on Saturday and we both said the exact same thing at almost the same time:  The Toronto Blue Jays have the best uniforms in the history of sports.  Those things are the greatest.  I love the white line through the numbers and letters and the red maple leaf.  AWESOME look.  And the Blue Jays are pretty good, too, as long as Colby Rasmus could ever get his head out of his ass.

*Someone needs to tell Phil Hughes and Freddy Garcia that they have a month to stop sucking dicks before Pettitte and Pineda come back and take their jobs.  And when will Mark Teixeira ever fucking figure out how to hit a baseball in the month of April.  Shit is getting old.

*Runner-up for best uniforms are the Baltimore Orioles with the smiling bird on the hat.  Old school logos are almost always better.

*We couldn't even make it through one week without Bobby Valentine flipping out on the Boston media!  As I keep saying, this is going to end early for him.  Now that Ellsbury is out indefinitely, they are only going to get worse since the bullpen sucks and HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR OUTFIELD!

*The Tigers are good.  We already knew this.  They are easily the least likable team in baseball.  We know this as well.  Here's my question though: Shouldn't Max Scherzer be better than this?  He has very good stuff and has been around long enough that he SHOULD be an ace by now.  I don't get it.  If I enjoyed southern rock and owned stock in Franco American, I would be pissed at how inconsistent Scherzer is.

*The Twins are worse than I thought.  The Royals and White Sox are a little better than I thought.  The Indians?  Well, I think I nailed it with them.  The offense sucks and the pitching is pretty good.  I have no idea what Johnny Damon is going to do for them.  Hell, they should have signed Damon in January and cut Grady Sizemore loose.  That would have made much more sense.  How about that brawl on Saturday night!  Wank.  It's hard to take someone seriously as a tough guy when Jack Hannahan's robust bald spot is the focal point.

*Why is Tim Kurkjian hosting the Sunday afternoon Baseball Tonight?  That is not in his arsenal at all.  Speaking of which, stop wondering if Albert Pujols will figure it out.  He's Albert FUCKING Pujols.  There is nothing wrong.  Here's an actual question that needs to be addressed: Is Yu Darvish any good?

*I thought that the Nats were a year away from being a real contender, but that might be too late.  Their pitching is unreal.  Looking at the rest of the NL East, they don't have more holes on the roster than anyone else.  The Phillies can't score.  The Braves are terrible.  The Mets have played well so far but you know that they will fade fast.  I honestly think that the Nats can make the playoffs this year.

*The Marlins are a goddamn mess.  Between Ozzie and Josh Johnson being awful and Heath Bell being a worse version of Joe Borowski, my preseason NL champion looks mighty shit-tastic so far.

*There are three good teams in the Central and three awful teams.  I still think that Ryan Braun will have a bad season amidst all of the distraction and boos that will follow him.  I don't know if the Reds can score enough although good for them for locking up Votto and Phillips long term.  I mentioned this around World Series time last year but since I own him in fantasy it bears repeating: dropping Arnold Mr. Freeze lines when referencing David Freese is awesome.  CHILL OUT!

*It's a damn shame that Brian Wilson and his greatness is likely going to need a second Tommy John surgery.  I didn't even know that this was possible.  I thought that once you had it, you didn't need it again.  The Beard must be a pioneer.  I would assume that his career is probably over now and that's a shame.  Also, does anyone know why Tim Lincecum sucks?

*I don't buy the Dodgers at all.  They still have a lineup with Kemp, Ethier, and 7 outs.  Chris Capuano and Aaron Harang are actually starting for them.  They will tail off.  That being said...

*It's over.  MY GUY, Chad Billingsley, pretty much has the Cy Young locked up already!  Between Bills and Jon "The Nose" Niese, Ohio can not be stopped. What the hell is going on?  Defiance represent!  Two of the most dominant pitchers through the first week and a half of the baseball season went to the same shitty high school in northwest Ohio.  Insane.

I think that that about covers it all for today.  If there is anything that you would like to add or challenge me on, you know where to put it.  The Iceman is in Texas for the week so he shouldn't ruin things today.  That's a bonus!

Friday, April 13, 2012

This Is Why You Should Root Against America

John Stockton will forever be the World's Greatest Plum Smuggler.
 There is no question that the greatest team ever assembled in the history of sports is the 1992 Dream Team. This is not even up for debate. Even the random Christian Laettner appearance could not put a dent in that team’s armor. Do you remember watching those games? They beat everyone by a million. It was awesome. Well, with the Summer Olympics happening in a few months (they’re in London, correct?) it makes me feel old seeing that the Dream Team is going to be celebrating their 20th anniversary later this year.

I’ve always wondered exactly why the IOC started allowing professionals to play in the Olympics anyway. That doesn’t really make any sense at all, does it? But the IOC is more crooked than The Dutchman’s dick (that’s an ELITE reference right there) so who knows. Now I think we all understand why people want to participate in the Olympics for their country. I’m no “Joe America” or anything (or even a Joe The Plumber), but I know if I had the opportunity to represent this great land in the sport of blogging, I would make you all very, very proud. Trust me, it is going to happen! One thing that I would not do is demand to be paid for my version of service.

Dwyane Wade is an asshole. We already knew this. Does it actually surprise anybody that he said this?

"It's a lot of things you do for the Olympics -- a lot of jerseys you sell. We play the whole summer. I do think guys should be compensated. Just like I think college players should be compensated as well. Unfortunately, it's not there. But I think it should be something, you know, there for it."

Holy fucking shit. This guy is the worst. I’m actually shocked that LeBron didn’t say this first even though you know that he feels the same way. How disconnected from reality do you have to be to say something like this? He makes EIGHT figures per year while a good chunk of his fellow American competitors live off of stipends. Whatever, though, he needs more so that he can properly half-ass his way to a gold medal and fake national pride in front of the cameras.

THIS IS THE REASON WHY A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL. It has very little to do with the black/white thing, but it’s rooted in how greedy these guys are. It’s always about #1 (and not BEING #1). I don’t care what flag they wave, I’m going to have a hard time rooting for a team that starts Wade, LeBron, Carmelo, and Dwight Howard just because of who they are and who they think that they are.

I mentioned at the top that I loved that Dream Team from 2 decades ago. Now I wish that we could go back to just sending college kids. At least they might be able to put things into perspective and play basketball for the right reasons. Dwyane Wade is the worst. And no, I don’t believe for one second that his “pride for America motivates him more than money”. Fuck him.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Open Forum: Let's Talk About Ethnic Foods

Not pictured: my throbbing food-rection
Drew was right when he was the only one that answered the challenge for blog topics yesterday...we haven't talked about food recently.  That's BULLSHIT!  Well that needs to change and it will change right now.  Now we all know that "American foods" such as burgers, hot dogs, mac and cheese, chicken wings, and ribs are delicious, I would probably rank the US of A maybe third or fourth when it comes to my favorite regional eatings.  What I'm trying to say here is that other areas of the world have given us gluttons such tasty options.  Today, I rank those options.

Editor's Note: I was initially going to spend today hammering home that Chicago-style pizza is superior to all others (thick > thin...just how you like your dicks) and a pie should be cut into slices, not squares but the post wouldn't get much further than this sentence.  So I'm just going to throw it up here instead.  If you disagree, don't worry, you're just really really wrong and ignorant.

I may be slimming down into a heavenly icon of fitness (ran into Clark Kellogg the other day and he called me "SVELTE"!), but I still know how to put it down, big fella.  I KNOW what I'm talking about when it comes to food.  Anyway, I'm rambling, here is my ranking of all things Ethnic Foods.

Honorable Mention?: Middle-Eastern, African, Thai, Indian.  They exist.  I have not tried it though.  I doubt that I ever will.  I have no regrets.  I don't like fiery diarrhea.

7. Japanese - I'm just going to include sushi here.  Sushi is OK.  Nothing more/nothing less.  It's just there.  You never get a sufficient amount for what you pay for though.  Plus, if Bill Parcells saw you eat it, he would murder you.

6. British - Limey food gets a bad rap but it isn't that bad as long as you can handle the taste of Worcestershire sauce as a main flavoring agent.  I love fish and chips.  I really like shepherd's pie.  One of these days I'm going to try bangers and mash.  It's not bad at all.  Plus, if you're eating British food in America, you are about 99% guaranteed to be in a pub that serves awesome beer.

5. Greek - It's a little bit of an acquired taste to go Greek as they use a lot of ingredients that aren't really featured much in traditional American cuisine.  I will fight anyone that disagrees that gyros from street carts are not the best. 

4. Italian - I just don't dig pasta as much as probably most of you do.  Maybe that's because I've never really had fresh pasta or something.  One of these days, I suppose.

3. German - Ah yes, my heritage (at least I think it is).  Any man that does not enjoy sauerkraut is not a man.  Sausages, kraut, potato salad, pretzels, and cream puffs...FUCK.  YES.

2. Chinese - There is nothing better than finding an excellent little hole in the wall Chinese restaurant that is likely in some weirdo strip mall.  Chinese food rules.  Mongolian beef and War Su Gai are my current picks to click.

1. Mexican - This is not up for debate.  Until somebody can come up with a better offer than complimentary chips and salsa, no one will ever top the Mexicans.  But don't you dare serve me cold salsa.  That stuff better be room temperature or else I will know that you are a fraudulent Mexican.  If I can understand what the smiling waiter is saying, then I know that the restaurant is a joke.  Mariachi band or GTFO!

What do you think?  Favorites?  Hates?  Any ethnic restaurant recommendations (YES PLEASE)?  This post has only served to remind me that I haven't ran the Audubon at Schmitt's (as seen on Man Vs. Food) in way too long.  I need to fix that soon.  My blood has been flowing almost too well recently.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Urban Meyer Raped Florida

Come play for me and I'll suck your schlong like this!
On Monday, Matt Hayes of The Sporting News revealed a fairly long exposé into the stylings of one Mr. Urban Meyer. I’m not going to link to it because I still have no idea what the purpose of his article was (actually, here it is). Hayes is basically implying that Meyer is the sole reason why Florida is average now.  As if it's possible to be in the national title hunt EVERY year (this just in: it is not possible).  We already know that Meyer is cutthroat and gives no fucks. We already know that Urban walks the ethical fine line with pompous grace. Hayes isn’t trying to destroy the Meyer/Ohio regime before it truly begins. So I’m not quite sure what this accomplished. You aren't going to win big consistently by recruiting the Amish.  But there are some definite themes worthy of my thoughts and today we’ll talk about those.

Urban Meyer is pretty awesome at operating in gray areas on the recruiting trail. Haters are going to hate his recruiting practices forever. It’s because he is ELITE at it, no doubt. The thing here is that during the courtship of uber-tard Stefon Diggs, Meyer may or may not have been selling against his old school due to the off-field problems in Gainesville. The problem is that those off-field issues/culture mostly happened under his watch. This is hilarious and anyone smarter than Mo Claiborne can see through this charade. But I respect the moxie. He’s got the short-term memory of an ELITE closer in baseball. You’ve got to forget about the past. Your friend from two years ago can be your enemy today.  He says that he still loves the Gators but you know that deep down in his black heart he wants them to die like he will later this year.

He let his players off the hook at Florida even though they were using drugs. This is pretty shitty actually and I hope that his one year sabbatical from coaching changed his perspective. Faking injuries in order for failed drug tests to remain under wraps?  Really?  Obviously, his job is to win first and all of the other stuff is a distant second. If Cheech Marin is bringing blunts to practice with him but still displays 4.3 speed on Saturdays, that was not a big deal to Urb. But it probably should have been; because after all, the more you let these kids be animals, the quicker that everything will implode. And that sort of happened. I guess what it comes down to is if you are going to be a dictator then BE A DICTATOR.

Urban treats his players differently based on their athletic prowess. I’ve never understood the problem with this. Jimmy Johnson did the exact same thing with the Cowboys. You most definitely give Santonio Holmes more leeway off the field than you do Commenter Daniel. It makes all the sense in the world. If Holmes gets a DUI while impregnating 4 chicks at the same time, you sit him for one half against Indiana. If Daniel does the same thing, you get him an olive tray for his wedding. I don’t see what the big deal with this is. Treating people the same way is OVERRATED. I treat my commenters differently. Grumpy gets way more wiggle room than Dut. It comes with the territory.  By the way, Percy Harvin sounds like a huge asshole.

Urban Meyer is kind of a hypocrite. Yeah, his value system doesn’t really match with his actions but so what? As Andy Pettitte is proving, spending time with your family is not that great. Health be damned. If what this article says is true then Urban really isn't that much of a bad ass and he is much more of a doormat behind closed doors.  We'll see how things have changed now that he's up here.

Again, this didn’t really do anything for me. The purpose behind this piece is still confusing. Can anyone figure out why this was even written?  It's not like Florida is now Rice.  I don’t know if it’s something in the water here but I don’t really hate Urban Meyer. I kind of like how open and honest he is. He TOTES hates all of the offensive linemen in the program and he says it pretty much every week. That’s awesome. Basically, I wanted to cover the main points of this waste of time and allow you a chance to praise/spit fire at Urban. Done and done. Way to waste everyone’s time and get my hopes up, Matt Hayes, you jerk.

If Hayes wants to get Urban fired or something, just wait until 9/2 when the frontpage headline of The Dispatch says: MEYER FIRED AFTER 72-0 LOSS TO REDHAWKS.  That has a nice ring to it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Basketball Shit.

         "I'm sooooooo hot.  Can't WAIT to upload this to Facebook for my peeps."

Creative title, right?  You will also notice that my post was up in time for Grumpy's 5AM trip to McDonald's for coffee and conversations about hating young people, agriculture and peanut brittle.  Alright's the deal.  It has been decided that a deathly plague infect my throat to the point where it feels like I'm swallowing glass shards covered in grenade shrapnel.  TOO MUCH DICK SUCKIN I GUESS!  LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!  Beat you to the cock joke, fucknuggets.  So this is gonna be short and sweet.  Like my pubes.  And my basketball posts seem to be a crowd favorite so here we go.

-Never before has such a wise choice been made by a young black man.  Trey Burke returning to Michigan was the only move he could have made if he ever wanted to do more than Darius Morris.  Honestly he needs to play two more years but we all know next year he'll be looking at those NBA dollars like there's a white girl's pussy on the front instead of a dead President.  I wonder what Morris is doing these days.  Probably Kobe's dirty undies or anal for grocery money.  I will never, no matter how eloquently it's explained to me, understand why Morris left early.  What quack told him he was a definite first round draft pick?  Was it Shooter from Hoosiers after getting balls deep in a gin bottle?  That's top notch career ending advice by some moldy penis hole trying to get rich off of Morris' inability to think like a normal person.  Enjoy eating Vaseline with Starbury in China next year.

-Jared Sullinger is set to become the next big Ohio bust in the NBA.  I realize this is old news but it's such a puzzling move.  I thought you were supposed to enter the draft when your stock was highest.  His numbers don't suggest a drop off this year, but if you watched any Buckeye basketball you noticed an enormous difference in tubby's play.  And we aren't NBA scouts.  Honestly though...where the fuck do you put this guy at the next level?  He's too small to play center and not quick enough to play power forward.  Lord knows this fat little pigeon is too lard-assed to play a small forward.  I don't see him doing what Kevin Love has done since Love is white and has had to work his milky fingers to the fuckin bone to excel in a black man's game.  What I'm saying is that Sullinger is probably lazy because he's relied on his blackness to get him this far.  And Love never did this gay shit.  Sullinger reminds me of DeJuan Blair and I wouldn't be shocked if he were picked in the 2nd round.

-I get to hate DeShaun Thomas for another year. That's about as exciting as getting punched in the butthole.  I want success for Thomas the same way G$ wants success for Daniel Tosh.

-Here's another reason to hate Mike and Mike.  Yesterday morning Greenburg was quasi-defending Dwight Howard and saying how he is a really really really good guy, just a little immature.  I'm surprised Greenburg could get his headset on this morning you know...considering both of his hands are usually lodged firmly in his pussy.  I'm sure SVG echoes the same sentiments, you fuckin fairy.  This is why I wish I was able to get Detroit radio.  Every morning I get this manure from pussy and the knuckle dragger when I could be getting actual hilarious radio from guys like Valenti and Foster.  When I was traveling in Michigan today Valenti used the words "prison sexed".  It almost made me forget he rabidly hates the Wolverines.

-Speaking of Kevin the fuck is this guy not in the lead for the MVP?  The whole idea behind guys who don't play for playoff teams not being eligible for the MVP is such a dumb argument.  That's fair...penalize a guy for getting drafted to a team of butt crust and sticking with them despite the owner's never ending quest to always draft in the top 5.  You could actually argue Love deserves it MORE than guys on contenders.  If you're stuck on a shitty teams with shitty players then it's pretty damn easy for the opponent to figure out how to win, right?  Cork the stud and make the runny poop beat you.  The fact that Love is able to impose his will on anyone he wishes despite being the best player on a pretty terrible team is way more impressive than Lebron lighting fuckers up with Bosh and Wade hand jobbing each other in the distance.

-Antoine Walker is retired...again.  In other news, he's still fat, pathetic, broke and should be killing himself sometime in the near future.  Keep an eye out for that breaking news alert on the bottom of ESPN Deportes...because no one cares about Twann enough to put him on ESPN or the deuce.

-Lamar Odom has left the Dallas Mavericks officially.  Does anyone care?  Yeah...didn't think so.  He can go back to smashing handfuls of gummy bears while having gross sex with easily the dumpiest Kardashian out of the group.  That disgusting whore makes any of those teen mom hookers look like a tasty option.

-Atlanta still sits in the 5th spot.  Just keeping everyone updated.  Indiana is currently the 3rd seed?  Total mind blower.  Is there a more boring NBA team than the Pacers?  Christ, I would rather do house chores from sun up to sun down than watch this team.  Here's a better question.  Does anyone on that team even like Tyler Hansbrough?  In my head the team takes turns fucking with him for no reason other than he is a titanic doucher.  Last week I envisioned David West lining Hansbrough's jock with Icy Hot.  This week I think someone will fish hook him with a poopy finger.

There you go, assholes.  I just realized I haven't mocked Paul Pierce nearly enough and for that I sincerely apologize.  But that will be for another week as I must now focus all my energy on not dying.  Hopefully tomorrow it doesn't feel like I'm deep throating Peter North.  Enjoy, fucksticks.