Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Boston Red Sox Still Suck

Nice to meet you, Jeremy Lin.
With February coming to a merciful end, that must mean that Spring Training is underway. I can’t think of a more pointless but popular activity than Spring Training. In fact, my dad is at Yankees camp in Tampa right now. He sent me a picture of Joe Girardi’s stupid caveman face posing with some dumb kid. I was not happy or impressed. And thus the baseball season has not technically but has pretty much already begun. While Ryan Braun is still cocking off about getting away with drugs and Albert Pujols apparently allergic to being called “Hombre”, neither of those two stories quite compares in annoyance like the Red Sox attempt at prohibition. This is the dumbest story ever. A little history lesson:

*2011 Red Sox sign Carl Crawford and trade for Adrian Gonzalez and are immediately World Series champions for the next decade plus.
*2011 Red Sox seemingly lose every game in September and complete one of the greatest chokes of all time on the final night of the season when they get buttfucked by Buck’s terrible Orioles squad (with Bowling Green’s Nolan Reimold!).
*Reports surface that Josh Beckett, John Lackey, and Jon Lester were sitting in the clubhouse during games eating fried chicken, playing video games, and drinking cheap light beer.
*Terry Francona is fired because it was the easy thing to do.
*Ownership/Management throws Francona under the tank by leaking a bunch of lies about infidelity and pill addiction.
*Theo Epstein trades himself to the Cubs; Cubs now a lock to be the worst team in the NL in 2012.
*Red Sox hire Bobby Valentine to manage. Francona replaces Valentine on Sunday Night Baseball for ESPN.
*Stupid Red Sox writers like Peter King and Dan Shaughnessy still want answers and apologies for the clubhouse shenanigans from the year before.  No one understands why they keep asking for something that they don't deserve.
*The Red Sox, from owner to players, still won’t remotely address their alcoholism.
*Josh Beckett, in his first presser since the season ended, does not apologize for being extremely unprofessional but vows revenge or something.
*Valentine bans beer from the clubhouse and on return flights back to Boston.
*Francona is skeptical of this move because…question mark.

That is pretty much the gist of this little saga. It basically boils down to no one wanting to accept responsibility and everyone just ignoring the David Ortiz-sized elephant in the room. There was a HUGE problem with that team, eventually it got resolved (sort least in theory), but no one ever will talk about it. Make sense?  Of course it doesn't.

I don’t even see why this was EVER a problem. Did we learn nothing from that one Cardinals pitcher that died in a drunk driving accident, Josh Hamilton’s demons, Elijah Dukes constant zaniness (YOU DEAD, DAWG), or Tony LaRussa’s 400 DUI’s? Nah, let’s just enjoy Bruce Bochy inviting Brandon Belt into his office to share a few Bud Lights instead (from The Franchise on Showtime last Summer).

At what other job do you drink beer on-site? Why is alcohol even in there to begin with (and we will continue to ignore the long term "benefits" of the hundreds of Skoal logs that they go through each season)? Do these guys really need a beer that bad after a long day of being a designated hitter or short relief pitcher? Want a drink—GO TO A BAR, ASSHOLE. Look, nobody is happier at the LOLness of the Red Sox more than I am. But this is just so dumb. People are really arguing about whether or not it is OK to drink beer at work. Even someone as retarded and inbred as a Tigers fan understands that.  Terry Francona doesn’t think that it’s a good idea to ban it in the clubhouse though and that ol’ Fake Mustache will lose the team because of it. Hilarious.

Goddamn do I hate this franchise and fans and Jeff. Still though, inebriated Boston still has a better shot of making the playoffs this year than the Indians. Anyway, what kind of beer do you think that John Lackey drinks? I bet that it’s something white trashy like Red Dog or Coors Original.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Time in Indy

"Maybe if we pray together.....Dear God, No Browns, No Browns, No Browns..."

We've covered this before, gents. Obviously since we're elbow deep in the dead zone of the sporting calender's rectum, worthwhile topics here are more rare than Damman sleeping with a chick that doesn't have chest hair. So I decided to shake things up, take 3 days off of work and drive to Indianapolis to watch old white guys poke, prod and drool over young black men. That's right...I watched a portion of the NFL combine live from the field with fake MoneyShot reporter credentials I purchased from a guy named Sandy behind Platinum Showgirls. All it cost me was Dut's phone number and the promise Dut would put out...and swallow. Sooooo chop chop there, gay boy. He likes beards so don't shave that Bradley Cooper thing you have going on. This is what I witnessed...

-Andrew Luck has the pastiest thighs in America. It looked like they were covered in flour...or bleached. He also runs with perfect form which didn't surprise me. Four owners actually jacked off while he threw passes. They paid me $100 dollars each to keep their names out of this......but what they didn't know was that I was exposing them no matter what. Jim Irsay (HUUUUUUGE testicles. Like, alarmingly huge. Like, seek medical attention huge), Jerruh Jones (his pubes are a perfectly sculpted profile of Troy Aikman. I was very impressed with the craftsmanship), Dan Snyder (tiny dick or huge hands. Not sure which one) and Stephen Ross (actually cried throughout).

-Justin Blackmon didn't work out. In fact, it was difficult to find him doing something other than tripping female reporters as they walked by while loudly swearing at children. He called this one kid a fuck taint cunt slugger. It made zero sense...and also made me LOL. I'm also pretty sure I watched him try and shove two fingers in some chicks vagina through her pants while he asked if he could crush a line off her tits. I was told that did not hurt his draft status.

-Mike Holmgren was there. But he was too busy waxing his pussy to give me an answer to, "Hey you fat walrus fuck! Are you gonna locate your nads in time to trade up to get a QB the Browns desperately need or just continue to pretend Colt McCoy's 5 yard ankle breakers are getting the job done?" He said come back after his masseuse pops the boils on his taint.

-After Trent Richardson's 40 yard dash was over he disappeared into a tent and came out an hour later with a pregnant white girl. I overheard 2 scouts saying that whatever was inside that chick was the favorite to be the top pick in the 2032 NFL draft. Shortly after Richardson took the Wonderlic and shit his pants four questions in. He moved up nine spots on Mel Kiper's big board and fifteen spots closer to his heart.

-Quinton Coples had an interesting strategy. He actually had a stand in that did all the workouts for him while he sat back and fanned himself with $100 bills. When Coples agent approached him to see what the problem was, Coples hammer punched him directly in the chest.

-Dontari Poe ran an impressive 4.98 forty yard dash. He celebrated by eating six whole footballs. He later said he thought they were ham. When I asked why he didn't stop after one when he realized what he was eating was definitely not ham he responded with a canyon sized belch in my face. It smelled like rotten baby food and wet cardboard. When I barfed a little he asked if I was going to eat that. I barfed even more and this time he didn't ask before licking the turf.

-Michael Floyd did his drills in a pink thong. Because he is a little princess bitch. He wanted to know if the shoulder pads at the NFL level had built in pad protectors for sensitive breasts. He rubbed his own nipples gingerly while asking. Then he asked if anyone had a tampon he could borrow. I kicked him in the pussy while screaming AMERICA!!!! It brought the house down.

-It turns out that Brandon Weeden is actually 40 years old but oddly enough throws like he's 80.

Those are the highlights, boys. There were a lot of fingers in anuses and grabbing and coughing. The NFL combine is a lot like a priests office at the University of Notre Dame. A lot of innocence was lost during my time in Indy. Including my own. You just can't unsee some of that stuff. Anyway, I'm sure Sandy will be coming to collect soon, Dut so loosen up that butthole my friend. Sandy wore very tight pants and what he had looked like the circumference of a bowling pin. I'm sure you can handle it. Happy Tuesday, fuck least it wasn't the NBA.

Monday, February 27, 2012

RibFest Was Delicious and Fun and Other Stuff

You like my groomed stubble?
Saturday night's Money Shot meet-n-greet went swimmingly as was expected.  The ribs, wings, craft beers, and sauerkraut balls were all outstanding.  Iceman and Drew got through dinner without someone having to tap out.  Grumpy was gracious even if he did tell our waitress that we were a champion all-gay soccer team (she actually asked if that was true...bitch) and made us eat with a framed picture of Hines Ward.  The hockey game was fine.  It was even better when Mr. Ace spilled his beer all over Dut's cock.  Postgame brews were had at The Varsity Club.  A really drunk Mr. Ace just disappeared at some point leaving Damman to pay his tab (what an asshole!).  Drew and Dut decided to continue their date after the rest of us left.  And that was about it.  We'll have to do this again some time.  No doubt.  My mudbutt on Sunday morning was ELITE.  Ummm, let's just cover a few topics today.

*Whatever Ryan Braun did, I don't care - I just don't give a shit about what athletes put into their bodies.  MLB wants to publicly crucify everyone that has bad piss, so the fact that they fucked this up is hilarious.  I am currently enjoying their desire to sue the appeals process that they approved.  LOL WUT?  Basically, I like watching Braun play and since the only people crying about this are fans of the other teams in the NL Central, fuck them.

*Josh Hamilton may or may not be an asshole - I'm still trying to figure out whose side I'm on here.  The Rangers bent over backwards to make Captain Crack Rocks comfortable and safe yet this is still a business.  He doesn't technically owe them anything.  I have a feeling that they are going to low-ball him on an extension this year (for like 8 mill a year or something) and hide behind his lapses as the reason.  I get that but Hamilton the player is worth twice that.  Hmmmmm, I don't know, I would probably side with the team on this.  Without them, this guy is probably dead by now.  So yeah, Josh, you do owe them.

*Buzz Williams is mature - I really like Marquette's team this season and them beating WV in Morgantown with a bunch of guys limited due to suspension was impressive.  But Williams is the fucking coach.  You don't dance on the other team's floor and damn near incite a riot after the game.  That was a troll move.

*RG3 is still awesome - 4.38 40...height and weight were exactly what they needed to be...guess who is listed as the favorite to trade up for him?  Hail to the Redskins!  Hail victory!  Braves on the warpath! Fight for ol' DC!

*The Dunk Contest is weird now - Yes, we all know that the participants in this competition get fucking worse every year.  Yes, we have all already forgotten who the Hell Jeremy Evans is.  I just don't get how it can be so hard to get people to do this.  I mean, legit studs line up for a chance to win the 3 point contest, why can't John Wall or Luke Harangody do some athletic slamming?  It might actually make people remember that Wall isn't a disappointment.  And why are we voting only by fans?  Dut tweeted in a vote for Jon Diebler.  It was an ELITE tweet.

*Grady Sizemore LOL - Hurt his back picking up a ground ball...classic.

*College football makes sense? - I understand moving kickoffs from the 30 to the 35 to help with player safety and whatnot, but touchbacks start at the 25 now?  The fuck?  I don't think that I like this.

*The Daytona 500 happened (OR NOT!!!).  The NBA All-Star Game also happened.  Did Rick Nash get traded?  Zombies?  Is Mr. Ace alive?  Do we even want him to be?

Alright, that will do for today.  Just like usual, no Dead until the afternoon, please.  Actually, Drew seems to be quite interested in a trip down to Oxford next year to check out our incredible hockey arena and to let Grump and myself show him our old stomping grounds.  So there is something to look forward to, I guess.  Oh!  One more thing before I go...

Baby, I've got your money.  Don't you worry.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Money Shot Eats Hog Tomorrow...Literally!

And we'll wash it all down with a few Thurmanators.
“If Tim Tenor wins, I will drive to Columbus and buy ribs at the place in Grove City I can never remember the name of for all the Money Shot regulars that show up.”—Grumpy 1/5/2012

Now we all remember the story behind this, right? Grumpy was so crippled by his white trash Steelers fan DNA that he decided to give himself an ultimatum that absolutely no one else was asking for. And if you recall, his precious team of cheap shot artists and toilet sex connoisseurs were properly vanquished on Wild Card Weekend by the man, the myth, the legend, the guy that makes Brady Quinn cry: TIM TENOR. Many of you thought that this day would never come. Well, bitchcakes, IT HAS ARRIVED. Today…is RibFest Eve.

Here are the nuts and bolts for tomorrow’s RibFest festivities.
*WHO? If you comment frequently, congratulations because you can get free BBQ from Grumpy. If you read but don’t comment, you are still more than welcome but don’t be a mooch. You pay for your own food. Hellraiser mentioned that he wants to come but would buy his own out of respect. This is a proper attitude to have. Basically, if you have any reservations at all about whether you qualify for the Grumpy Freebie then you should just plan on bringing your wallet.  Is Ide coming back from NYC for this?  When does Prime land?  Is Naptown Wolverine still alive?
*WHAT? I mentioned above what this is all about. I shouldn’t have to do it again.  Just a reminder that we're only making the dude buy food.  Drinks are on you.  Yes, whoever is unfortunate enough to wait on our table is going to be furious with this request.
*WHERE? The place that will be slaughtering hogs, cows, and chickens for us by the barrel full is Barley’s Smokehouse. The address is 1130 Dublin Rd., Columbus, for you out-of-towners that may be GPSing the place. It is pretty easy to get to as it is right off of the Grandview Ave. exit on I-670.
*WHEN? Let’s try to all be there by 5 pm so we can sit by 5:15 at the latest. I assume that the place will be dead around this time so we can all wave our penii around to the wait staff.  You know, just to show them who's boss.
*HOW? How did this come to be? Just say a thank you to our boy, TIMMY TENS, for allowing all of us to get together.  Who would have ever thought that Tim fucking Tebow would have been able to assemble us all at the same table?  I'll tell ya, that might be his greatest miracle.

In all honesty, I have been pumped up for this for a very long time. Many of the legendary commenters from this great site will finally gather in the same place at the same time to break ribs, make terrible first impressions, and, I assume, be wildly inappropriate.

As far as post-dinner goes, the hockey game featuring #15 Miami and #17 Ohio State has apparently done well at the box office so far. I guess that the 100 and 200 levels are pretty much sold out. That’s fine by me. It only costs $5 to get a front row general admission seat in the upper deck anyway. And, you know, you can buy beer. I have said this many times, but I would bet that almost all of you have never been to a college hockey game before (way different atmosphere than an NHL game). I suggest giving it a shot. These schools do not like each other at all, they are both fighting for an at-large birth in the tournament come March, alcohol IS sold, and we’ll be out of there before 9:15.

Also, I will be holding a tutorial on fleshlight usage at my house at 3 pm. Tickets are on sale for $10.

So let’s get a head count today. Who’s in for dinner? Hockey? Post-hockey titty bars (the dirtier the better)? Gentlemen, the time is now. Getcha bibs ready. Happy RibFest!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Gentlemen, Start Your Hatin'

Between my Hate Index from last Friday and The Iceman’s hate-filled manifesto from the other day, tensions are running high around these parts. Not really, I guess, but I still have a fair amount of bile at the pit of my ten pack abs that could use some spewin’. In case you aren’t a gear-head or don’t buy logs of Skoal, The Daytona 500 is this Sunday. Oh man, is there anything better than the Super Bowl of Racin’? I THINK NOT. How do you make a great American event like the 500 even better? Why, you get John Cena to be the “start your engines” guy, naturally! Auto Racing has to be the only sport that runs their title game first and then plays the regular season, right? This makes sense to MUDawg’s kin, I’m sure, but to no one else.

A couple of years ago, I actually tried to appreciate the “sport” of racing. It didn’t take. Tony Stewart was winning races while weighing in at 450 pounds; it just made no sense to me. I haven’t watched any part of any race in over three years probably. I regret nothing. Cars and speed just don’t interest me as much as zombies and Arlo Givens. I don’t like auto racing. It is a waste of time. Granted, without it, Dut would have never met his boyhood idol, Carl Edwards, but NASCAR can get fucked. Is it still popular? Is it still the largest growing sport in America? I’d bet that whoever came up with that stat is also the same company that says that CBS is America’s most-watched network.

So today, I’m going to rank my five least favorite sports. Some of these I have previously ranted about so there might be links to old posts if I’m feeling saucy.

5. Tennis – There are a few reasons why tennis sucks. The first being that no one from America is any good at it and the best players in the world have names with over 40 vowels in them. Second, the technology and stremph has made it nothing but aces. Long points are good. Rocket serves are not. Finally, not one man on the tour has any personality at all. Andy Roddick is only interesting because he gets to suck on Brooklyn’s knobs and that is something that I would very much like to accomplish today. I feel like tennis has just embraced the dull.  And that's fine because I don't want to watch it anyway.

4. Lacrosse – It’s just your typical sport for rich, white asshole kids. The only famous lacrosse players out there are Steve Stiffler and the guys at Duke. Needless to say, this sport breeds rape.

3. NASCAR – I’ve already ranted enough. How about a sub-rant? My three least favorite drivers that I hope pull an Intimidator are:
a. Kyle Busch – He should probably be playing lacrosse.
b. Tony Stewart – acts like a tough guy…is most definitely not a tough guy
c. Carl Edwards – This is mostly just because he had sex with Dut and looks like Chris Barnes (my least favorite bowler ever)
Joe Gibbs still rules the world though. He and my boy, Denny Hamlin, are going to, uh, win a ton of races while watching our Redskins return to glory!  Oh, you want me to make a prediction for Sunday's left turn-a-thon?  Ummmmm...Jimmie Johnson?

2. MMA – Bunch of meathead closet-queers. Read this. I realize that every fighter and fan of this stuff could kill me in 5 seconds, but it still sucks. The pussy in me says that glorifying violence is bad for the children! Pro wrestling is much better and more realistic!!!

1. Soccer – I respect nothing about this game. I wrote about it more during the Women’s World Cup horse manure in the Summer. I was rooting for the Lady Nips in the Finals out of sheer spite for this crappy sport.  And don't get me started on that ferry Euro shit that dickheads try to tell you is the most popular sport EVER. It is not a beautiful game because beauty isn't defined as "lame as Grumpy's dick".  I could kick every soccer player's ass.  FACT.

So, let’s get some more stuff off our chests today. I’ll just get it out of the way now: Other than “because you are a racist”, why do you hate the NBA?  GO!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

What To Do With RG3

AND he knows where all the white women at!
The never interesting NFL Combine begins this week (it may have already begun for all I know) and, for as much as I love the Draft, I just can’t get into it. Sure, we all love to watch Rich Eisen run the 40 (no we don’t), but other than that it is painfully dull. But the Combine brings with it the unofficial start of the new year for your NFL team. And that is a good thing because new players mean new excitement and dreams for the fans.

If you are a fan of a terrible franchise like I am with the Washington Redskins, then this is a great offseason. The Skins somehow have almost 50 million to spend under the cap. This is almost unbelievable with the way that the organization has been run until you realize that they have no talent. So there’s that. But the best part is that the team should be getting its “rock” soon. They are not alone. The supply and demand for quality franchise-caliber signal callers is pretty much even this year. Whether it be through the draft or free agency, the handful of teams that have zero hope under center should be able to rectify that problem as long as they are aggressive.

Let’s see: we’ve got Indy, Washington, Cleveland, Miami, and probably Arizona seeking upgrades at QB. And, soon to be on the market are Luck, RG3, Peyton, and Matt Flynn. Needless to say, but you don’t want to be the team left standing debating the merits of Jason Campbell and Kevin Kolb. So what is the point today, you ask? Last week, Todd McShay (who I hate) wrote that if you want RG3, you are going to have to go up to 2 to get him and that it will be a race between Cleveland and Washington to get there. That, my friends, is more than enough for a post here.

First things first, Robert Griffin III is going to be a good-to-great NFL quarterback. This is not up for debate. The guy is smart as fuck (3.67 GPA in PoliSci at a good school), is accurate, and throws a pretty deep ball. He isn’t a runner like Cam or Vick. He is a pocket passer that just so happens to be a World Class hurdler. He is basically Choco Steve Young. This is the kind of guy that you build a franchise around. When the only negative that you hear about the guy is that he’s just a little too skinny, big fucking deal. Put him on the Donovan McNabb diet for two weeks and there is the extra 10-15 pounds of dough that you desire.

As a Redskins fan, I would do it. I would totally move up to get this kid. We haven’t had a good QB since the miracle Mark Rypien season in 1991. It’s time to get a franchise changing stud. In a division with ELITE, Vick, and Romo, there is a reason why we keep finishing last. To move up 4 spots from 6 to 2, I’d give the Rams my first and 2nd this year and my first next year (likely top ten pick). If necessary, I’d throw in the Raiders 4th rounder this year as well. And I don’t even think twice about it. I’m tired of being irrelevant.

Now, everything that I just wrote about above is EXACTLY the kind of thinking that all Browns fans should have. You are never going to compete in that division unless you finally address the QB position. Let’s be honest here, there is absolutely no reason to watch or care about the Browns. There is no excitement, no playmakers, very little talent, no hope. This team should be playing in front of crowds smaller than what St. Iggy draws. The Browns are POINTLESS. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Yes, you have holes all over. Yes, you need better skill players. Yes, you already need a new OC. I get all that.

But what the Browns really need is a jolt of energy. RG3 would turn you from afterthought to must-see almost overnight. Can you imagine how excited you would be to have an electric playmaker running the offense? Remember what Cam did for the equally shitty and unwatchable Panthers? Yeah, Griffin is better. He will make EVERYONE better almost immediately (even Evan Moore!). The Browns aren’t a very aggressive franchise by nature as they are more inclined to move back than to move up, but this is not the time to do that. Now is the time to grow some balls. Franchise quarterbacks don’t grow on trees and they aren’t easy to come by (as you and I know). Who you have drafted in the past has nothing to do right now. Don’t let Tim Couch and Brady Quinn impact the chance to re-invent your team today.

This is going to sound steep but it is time for the Browns to do something. You can build depth at other positions every fucking year but until you address the QB cesspool, you aren’t going to win shit. Joe Thomas isn’t getting any fucking younger. There are no guarantees that Barkley, Jones, Tyler Wilson, or Aaron Murray are going to be rated any higher than RG3 next year anyway (they won’t). Here is what I offer the Rams if I’m Holmgren: I start with picks 4 and 22 this year and a first rounder next year. Like I said, it sounds high to give up 3 first rounders (actually just two since the first one is a swap). By the way, you don’t have a ton of money to spend this year anyway (after you franchise D’Qwell Jackson) so realistically your only option to upgrade that position is through the draft anyway. Do you like it when I drop research and truth on you?

Do you think that the Giants have any regrets for giving San Diego the moon and more for ELITE? Hell no. If you want him (and you should), GO GET HIM. Let’s not forget who you are competing against either. You have more and better looking ammo than Crazy Danny has, but you still have to beat him. Do not get cocky and stupid and think that he’ll fall to #4. That is the dumbest thing ever. You aren’t bringing Peyton or Flynn to town (because free agents avoid Cleve like the plague). The Browns are going to have to do this in the Draft. FACT. So don’t be a pussy.

Look, if Holmgren is going to be stupid and stubborn, I’m more than happy to have RG3 come to the nation’s capitol. He is going to be awesome (even with the Skins). But the point today is to remind Browns fans that your organization has a chance to change everything on the first night of the NFL Draft this year and actually make you interested in what they are selling you again. They might even make you PROUD. All that it’s going to take is a set of testicles to do that. And even though it would probably lead to my stupid team taking Ryan TanneLOL at #6, it would be a great move by a terrible Browns franchise.

Cleveland or Washington…yeesh, is it too late for RG3 to go back to Baylor?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

So You Hate the NBA, Eh?

                  "Sure.  I would love to go to a Maroon 5 concert. But first..."

Disclaimer in case any of these people end up dead:  This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken literally in any way, shape or form.  It is merely for entertainment purposes only within a group of degenerate assholes with a disgusting since of humor.  Again...I do not plan to harm any of the individuals mentioned so lighten the fuck up.

Alright.  Because most of you are crybaby faggots who can't handle a few NBA posts without pissing in your Huggies, I guess I'll cave and write something a little more reader friendly.  Sorry to disappoint Brady, but this isn't a post about which Ohio recruit looks the best completely naked.  Go fulfill your sick sexual desire for seventeen year old boys elsewhere.  Drew can hook you up with some links.

This post is about sweet, delicious blind violence.  Just straight up murdering fuckers who totes deserve it for reasons that can only be justified in my head.  We all have that list of people tucked safely away in the crazy part of our brains who we would like to do terrible shit to.  Today is your chance to let the insane out for a nice afternoon walk in the park.  Real or fictional people are in play here so let's see who you hate the most in the comment section.  But first...Here's my list.

5.  Flo from the Progressive commercials.  I fucking HATE this bitch with every fiber of my body.  I punched a wall once because of this worthless whore.  Not really...but I thought really, really hard about it.  When any Progressive commercial comes on in my car I violently shut the radio off and drive in silence with my jaw clenched for a good 5 miles thinking about how amazing it would feel to strangle the life from this woman.  That's between 50 and 100% true.  I want to make sure that I don't accidentally catch the tail end of her caustic fucking babble.  If I ever see this bitch in public it's gonna take a heavy force to hold back the vaginal uppercut I've been warming up for her.

4.  Adam Levine.  Whenever I hear the song "Moves Like Jagger" I black out completely and instantly.  When I finally come to, the room I'm in is completely destroyed and there is always at least one dead animal that's been skinned with blood on the walls spelling out something in some undecipherable dead language.  GOD!  I fucking hate this guy.  If I ever snapped one day from constant exposure to this band that is certain to be played on repeat in my version of Hell, I would imagine I would stab this son of a bitch at least 47 times.  How anyone can enjoy this band is fully beyond me.  If you like a vocalists who sounds like he's choking himself with his own mother's dirty stripper thong, then saddle up!  Because this asshole is Fozzy Bear with his testicles firmly secured in a C-clamp.  P.S. Fuck you very much for The Voice.  Go drown yourself in Christina Aguilera's belly fat.

3.  Jim Kushlan.  This one is for me...well, and Brady.  Because we're the only one's who are forced to put up with this fucking vaginal discharge of a sports journalist on a daily basis.  He's a local guy who probably let the owner of the radio station watch him get fucked by a broomstick in order to lock down a job.  Just use your imagination while I fillet this fucktard.  There is no bigger pussy on the planet than this guy.  He's fucking clown shoes.  Wanna hear a grown ass man completely change his opinion on a sports topic in about two God Damn seconds in order to always be in agreement with the host?  Look no further than this stuttering anus wart.  It's probably actually a good thing that he has no back bone.  That way he can bend over and effectively chow his own snatch since no one else will come within 20 feet of this fucking troll.  Kushlan sounds like he smells like a bag of cooked sour kraut.  Looking at his picture confirms it.  Worst.  Show.  Ever.

2.  The "That's So __ Seconds Ago" guys.  Well...I mean, all of them can die for all I care because they're all fucking terrible ass people for agreeing to shoot such a stupid commercial for an even shittier cell phone company.  But specifically, the two original assholes at the football game with their beaks jammed into their smart phones trying to find a way to have a sexual relationship with them.  Hey.  Here's an idea.  Pocket the phone and at go interact with something not controlled by a fucking battery.  Go spark up a conversation with a girl so you can start your 8 month plan of moving out of your parents house.  But take it slow guys.  I wouldn't want the first sign of actual cleavage that isn't seen on your smart phone to suck so much blood into your cock that it explodes your heart.  Oh wait.  Yes, I do want that actually.

1.  Anderson Varejao.  If you need a reminder of why this guy deserves to die just watch this.  Just typing that name ups the temperature of my skin five degrees.  I think jail would be a pretty decent consolation prize knowing that I've done Americans across the nation a great service.  Shit...I doubt I would even do time murdering someone so despicable.  Here's my question, though.  WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU STOP TOUCHING EVERYONE??  Jesus Christ!  Have you seen this fuckin guy on the court with his team mates?  It's like he's constantly torched on ecstasy.  Kyrie Irving nails a 15 footer and Varejao is trying to feel him up for the next 90 feet down the court.  Maybe it's customary in Brazil to be a raging homosexual on the basketball court but in America doing things like grab assing your team mates and touching another man's nipples are completely off limits.  Keep your fucking hands to yourself you disgusting Brazilian grope machine.  Go back to doing ridiculous shit like this and giving lustful gazes that showcase your longing desire for this.

There you go.  A list of worthy candidates to face justified homicide.  I know this mildly rips off G$'s hate post from last week but this is what you get when you piss and moan about my NBA posts.  You get meaningless rants about people I would possibly murder if given the chance.  I hope you're's gonna take a couple month of therapy to cage this aggression.  Let's end on a happy note.  Watch this.  That bitch Varetwat doesn't even budge with a direct cock shot which further proves my point that Andy is flat like a Ken doll...or he has a vagina.  A big bushy rotten whore vagina.  Fitting for someone who shoots like a girl and acts like a cunt.  Enjoy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Money Shot Celebrates Black History Month

As we all know, February is Black History Month.  You know, I've never celebrated it on this here casually racist blog.  Well, that ends today.  On this Monday, we will celebrate the achievements of the black athlete.  So with that said, hide yo kids, hide yo wife because The Money Shot does Black History Month

Antonio Cromartie - Who could forget his wonderful segment on Hard Knocks where he couldn't remember the names of his kids?  That was some terrific parenting right there.  Next up: a short story from G$!

Now I’m not 100% confident about the small details of this story but the end result is definitely true. So back in the late 80’s, my dad was at a Cavs game at the old Richfield Coliseum. This is probably in the first few years that Ron Harper was on the team. Considering where Harp went to school, this was a big deal. So after a game, dad was hanging around the tunnel which is where his seats were (maybe he was wearing something Miami to draw the attention of the Ohio Flyer, again, not sure) and #4 came over. Dad handed him the Cavs hat that he was wearing and asked him to sign it. Harper agrees.
Ron: Who can I make it out to?
Dad: Just make it out to (GMoney’s Dad—for unnecessary privacy purposes, let’s call him “Andy”)…you can put it on the bill.

The future five time NBA champ finishes the autograph and hands the signed cap back. What did Ron Harper write for “Andy”?
“To Bill—Ron Harper”. Read my dad’s quote one more time and then re-read this. I swear this is true. That hat is still around the house somewhere. They didn’t pay Harper to think. Like I said, I may have some of the specifics wrong, but the “To Bill” part is fact.

Chris Webber - Even with his coaches telling them that they had no timeouts left, Webber's high IQ gave no fucks.

Lovie Smith - I'm just going to assume that he still has not won a challenge ever.
Knowshon Moreno - In case you didn't hear about this, a few weeks ago the horrible Denver running back got a DUI while driving this car with that license plate.  Remember kids, Knowshon-ing is half the battle.

Daryl Strawberry/Doc Gooden - You've got to love a couple of deadbeats that had all the talent in the world but decided that crack and cocaine were better options.  It seems like the violate their probation every day still.
T.O. - This is very underrated in my mind.  Owens couldn't even kill himself right and his publicist was about as LOL as it gets with her 25 million reasons bullshit.

Ron Artest/Jermaine O'Neal/Stephen Jackson - I was watching The Malice at The Palace live at the time.  I will never forget it.  It was incredible.  Big black dudes running into the stands to fight white trash Detroit residents?  Yes please!

Mo Clarett - I don't know for sure if Maurice would have made anything of himself in the pros, but I do know that chugging Grey Goose in the weight room and getting involved in high speed chases with an insane amount of fire power riding shotgun isn't very wise.  Hey, speaking of Buckeyes, how about a guest story from Hellraiser:

So my Junior year I had the privilege of taking a class with Santonio Holmes. It was the first day of class for the quarter so it was basically syllabus day, however the professor decided to actually teach this day. I remember Santonio showed up 20 minutes late. Since the classroom was basically filled at this point, there was only one empty seat, which was right next to me in the back.

The professor keeps teaching, but Santonio is busy texting and listening to his iPod to pay attention. So every 3-5 minutes, Santonio elbows me to ask what the professor said/copy my notes. This goes on for a while until the professor eventually gets to the subject of 401k accounts and retirement plans. At this point Santonio elbows me and says directly to me:

"401k? Man, I don't give a fuck about no 401k."

He doesn't really whisper this either and some 3 or 4 rows of people turn around and look at us. He then looks at me for some type of response to his "question". I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of  "Yeah, man, this class sucks". He then packs up and leaves, and never shows up to the class again (I think he got drafted shortly thereafter anyway)
Mike Tyson - Yeah, pretty much everything about him.  Although his appearance at the end of The Hangover 2 saved that garbage horseshit sequel.

Plaxico and Mike Vick - Again, you already know about them.  I'm happy to announce that Dr. Martin Luther King died for them.  Think about that.  And finally, a player that I like to think embodies the spirit of The Reverend Jesse Jackson.

March 16, 2003, Gund Arena, Cleveland, OH…Tyree Ricardo Davis is 6 seconds from immortality. He needs one more rebound to achieve all of his hopes and dreams. One more rebound to get an elusive triple-double. One more rebound to make a meaningless Utah Jazz and Cleveland Cavaliers game historic. But the clock is ticking. And he has the ball. What does he do?

"They should be mad," Davis said. "Any team that gets beat that bad shouldn't be happy. But I wouldn't do it again. I just wouldn't. I'd probably be mad, too, losing by 20."  Ricky gives no fucks.  Dude, look at Jerry Sloan's face!  That shit is priceless.  He can't believe what the fuck Ricky just did!

There.  Our tribute to Black History Month has now come to a close.  Please share with everyone any other classic moment that I may have forgotten.  Bow Down.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The College Hoops Hate Index

It’s been a pretty rough week here (as I keep mentioning) as far as content is concerned. But to lead us into the weekend, how about we all dig into our souls and fire off some good old-fashioned hate. With March right around the corner, it’s time for you to start following college hoops again. And with your sights set on the sport, it is also important that you develop a clear hierarchy on who you should be rooting against. Now, I know what you’re not thinking: But G$, that would take forever and ever amen! Don’t you worry about a thing because ol’ Dollar Sign has got your back. Today’s ramblings can best be described as The College Hoops Coaches Hate Index. It isn’t hard to figure out. I list the ten coaches most easy to root against (Guess what? Coach K made the Index in what is a surprise to no one!). So let’s reveal the names.

Dishonorable Mention – Paul Hewitt, George Mason – Damn this man. As we learned a few months ago, Drew thinks that Hewitt is Herb Sendek even though they share no similarities and feature polar opposite skin colors. Fuck Hewitt anyway for not being a pasty white guy!
Hate Rate: 4.9 Ashton Kutchers

10. Bob Huggins, West Virginia – I’ve softened by despise toward Huggy Bear over the years. When he was at UC, he was a complete shithead. Remember when he blew me off at his basketball camp? That was classic! Older Huggy is a little more relaxed and even-tempered and he may have even graduated a player recently. He just barely makes the cut based on his past.
Hate Rate: 5.8 Ke$has

9. Tim Floyd, UTEP – This guy has been a dumpster fire of bad coaching and rampant cheating everywhere that he’s gone. He is really weird-looking, too. There is just something about his face…he looks like an aardvark. I’m not really sure how this guy keeps getting work.
Hate Rate: 6.4 Lady Jane’s Haircuts…they’re wicked awesome!

8. Steve Alford, New Mexico – Ah yes, The Golden Boy. You know, for being “the next big thing”, he sure has done some very mediocre coaching jobs. Everyone thought that it was a lock that he would eventually get the IU job but even they chose ELITE cell phone user, Kelvin Sampson, over Alford’s overrated ass. Alford looks like an asshole, too. I bet that he calls his players “queers” and “faggots” all the time.
Hate Rate: 6.5 Donato’s Pizzas

7. Seth Greenberg, Virginia Tech – No one is better at being mediocre than this guy! Who leads the nation in “whining about not making the tournament every damn year”? It isn’t even close. Plus, he’s bald. No one likes bald people.
Hate Rate: 6.9 Coors Lights

6. Jim Calhoun, UConn – It is impossible for me not to look at Calhoun and think anything other than, “I guarantee that his coffee breath is ten times worse than Behrman’s”. He just looks like one of those guys. I’m not sure how many wins that he has but it is probably half the amount of liver spots on his ashen skin. Jim Calhoun is gross. And let’s not forget that this year is not the first time that he has walked away from an underachieving team due to “health reasons”. What I’m trying to say here is that Calhoun is a faker.
Hate Rate: 7.7 Seth Meyers

5. Tom Crean, Indiana – I’ve mentioned this before but Crean’s over-the-top act is very grating. He looks like the kind of guy that would take joy in farting in your face while you are gasping for air. He makes it easy to remember that you hate the Hoosiers. Apparently, Crean is married to a sister of The Brothers Harbaugh. Ugh, she must be hideous.
Hate Rate: 7.9 The Big Bang Theory’s

4. Bo Ryan, Wisconsin – If a bullfrog had sex with the keyboard guy from Wally and The Beavs and then had a demon child, it would look exactly like Ryan. I used to kind of like Ryan but then he stopped talking to black kids, made all of his honky’s shave their heads, and started Modern Nostril Warfare with Dale from TWD. I can’t respect that. And “Bo” is a cool name. Bo Ryan does not deserve to be a Bo. He is more of a “Beau” (like Beech).
Hate Rate: 8.1 Curt Schillings

3. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse – Let’s just lay it all out there: Boeheim harbored a pederast buddy of his for decades, allowed said coach’s wife to fuck his players right under his nose, and has not taught one kid how to play defense in 30+ years. That is quite the resume. I have said it before and I will say it again: zone defense is fucking lazy. Anyone that runs only a zone defense is a joke of a coach. Bob Knight may have been a crotchety old buttfucker, but at least he taught his players how to play fundamental basketball at both ends.
Hate Rate: 8.9 Russell Brands

2. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke – WHAT? How did Satan’s righthand man not get the #1 slot? Look, there is no doubt that Coach K is objectionable due to his bitchin’ combover, annoying long term success, and ritualistic buggering of Old Man Plumlee. We all know this. But you have to give the guy some credit for running a squeaky-clean program at a place where Rasheed Ghetto-Trash isn’t even considered for acceptance. And, he gave us Kyrie Irving and for that we thank him.
Hate Rate: 9.6 Khloe Kardashians

1. John Calipari, Kentucky – It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I hate Coach Cal so much. The fact that he thinks that he’s ELITE even though his resume staunchly refutes that? His pasty white skin? His over-animation? His complete shitting on of the NCAA rulebook? His never-ending deep pockets that continue to pay stud players? His sweaty nuts? The likely fact that he has never required a player to attend a class? The absolute fact that whenever he leaves a school, that place immediately gets hammered with sanctions? I hate John Calipari. He would have earned a perfect Hate Rate had it not been for the fact that the players that he pays to play for him are entertaining as shit to watch. It’s going to be fun watching Coach Cal shit all over himself this March. It is becoming one of my favorite yearly traditions.
Hate Rate: 9.8 LeBron James's's's's

So what do you think of the Index? I spent waaaaaaaayyy too much time slotting these guys exactly how I wanted it. I'm like the Joe Lunardi of this.  Let’s embrace the hate today, have a good weekend, and then stop on by Monday where we are probably going to celebrate Black History Month, G$-style.  That will be fun.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Jon Gruden To Be Even More Annoying in 2012

Drew, I'm sorry, but you are dead wrong.
Remember how yesterday I sat you all down to remind you that topics are few and far between this month? Yeah, today is not an exception. We were going to talk about Rick Nash’s trade value (seriously, that was going to be a post) or that fact that Jim Irsay is a grandstanding drunk bastard, but you wouldn’t like the first option (although it would be a pretty solid post even if only Drew and Jeff would contribute) and you are already sick and tired of hearing about Peyton Manning and the Colts. So instead, you get this:

For just the sixth time in its 42-year history on television, "Monday Night Football" next season will feature a two-person broadcast team. Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden will call the games for ESPN starting in 2012. Ron Jaworski is leaving the booth but has signed a five-year extension with ESPN in an expanded analyst role with the company.
I can’t even begin to understand why anyone would think that it’s a good idea to give Jon Gruden MORE air time. That makes no sense. He is AWFUL. Why can’t he just go back into coaching and leave my TV alone? Anyway, I’m just going to assume that it was Jaws who decided to leave the booth and thus here are the top ten reasons for why he would make that choice:

10. Tired of being referred to as “THIS GUY” in public
9. Found out that Mr. Ace owns his throwback jersey
8. Was told that he can no longer swear on the air
7. Discovered that all 16 Monday Nighters next year will feature the Jacksonville Jaguars
6. Wants to focus on Arena Football team co-owned by Bon Jovi
5. Decided he did not want to keep covering up all of Mike Tirico’s sexual harassment of waitresses
4. Felt that it was unprofessional for Tirico to call a football game while smelling his own farts
3. His ear drums had finally burst after the one thousandth Gruden scream
2. Could no longer fathom how Gruden does not know and understand the most basic rules of the game
1. Weekly travel with Stuart Scott

Eh, whatever. #7 was a good one though. I stand by that joke. Discuss whatever you would like in the comments today. More Kate Upton? Rick Nash? The absolutely abysmal Adam Neft radio show? Is House of Lies on Showtime the worst show ever made (it is very close)?  Speaking of Showtime, how great is their "Franchise" series going to be this year when they follow Ozzie Guilen's Marlins?  If you were the head writer of The Walking Dead, where are you sending the gang once they FINALLY decide to leave Hershel's stupid farm?  You know what to do. Again, I’m sorry, but I don’t have a ton to work with today.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Research Project: The Origin of Nations

Is everyone here? Looks like it. OK, please be seated because we need to have a little talk. Actually, we need to have THE talk. Stop being ingrates. Fellas, it is February. By rule, this is the worst month ever when it comes to sports/other stuff blogging. You need to know this and understand it. We still have a job to do and during this month, it is tough. So it is important that you give us a little leeway. What normally is a challenging gig only becomes harder when nothing is going on and yet you still bitch about the content. And that is why I must ask that you back off a bit with your whining and accept that there is simply nothing that we can do about it unless The Iceman and I actively go out and start making news happen. I’m much too lazy to be doing that. Basically what I’m trying to say here is “suck it the fuck up”. We are simply working with what we are being given.

Anyway, for today’s post, I actually hit up the old Wikipedia machine and did some research. A little back story first: I have been told that many of ours Alma mater (having a very nice basketball season by the way) has begun to reference itself as “Wildcat Nation”. No. No, no, no, I can not stand for that. This is ridiculous on many levels the first of which being that they imply that people spread throughout America care/have heard of the “banks of Maumee’s waters”. Most importantly though, it is unoriginal and uncreative. I feel like the “Nation” label is one of the dumbest things that a fan base can refer to themselves as. STOP IT. Between Wildcat Nation and those AWFUL “We’re In This Together” YouTube videos that the schools are putting out (I am not linking these or embedding them…they are so bad), it is no wonder why people are killing their girlfriends. ZING?

So the point of today’s heavily researched post is to get to the bottom of the “Nation” phenomenon. Who started it? Who is the best? Who is the worst? I was actually surprised with what I found.

The Nation of Domination – An ELITE faction from the WWE’s Attitude Era that spawned The Rock that we all know and love and this fucking awesome video above. I still think that Mr. Ace failed miserably by not naming his dog “Farooq”.

CeNation – This is new and everything that John Cena does is gay so whatever. Fun Fact: Did you know that the star of The Marine 2 is Ted DiBiase, Jr? That has to be the worst movie ever made. Time to get into the nuts and bolts.

Buckeye Nation – Without question an unremarkable and annoying fanbase that deserves to be purged from Earth. I actually have never heard any of you commenters refer to yourselves as a Nation so that should be applauded. Well done. Your cohorts on the other hand, all terrible. There is no reference to Buckeye Nation on Wikipedia which means that it is just fake and does not exist. Way to keep sucking cocks, cocksuckers.

Red Sox Nation – Are you sensing a trend here? Nation = objectionable. This moniker came to be in 1986 when the northeastern part of the country was torn between rooting for the Mets and Sawx in the World Series. Talk about brutal alternatives. Those 9/11 terrorists were 15 years late.

Big Blue Nation - For Kentucky fans and their amazing ability to take over an opponent's arena.  There is no date of origin for this name so, whatever, Seal gay.

Raider Nation – My favorite fans without question. This merry band of criminals was founded in the early 80’s when convicts from the Bay area traveled south to watch the team play in LA. Raider fans remind me of an army of orcs or the Doth Raki from Game of Thrones. I consider them to be the original Nation as well as you should. From hence forth, they will be the only Nation to be recognized. If you disagree, expect multiple stab wounds.

Steeler Nation – Go figure that these assholes would have started this Nation craze. Yep, the cum rag-waving hayseeds are credited as the innovators of this term as Steeler Nation was coined in 1975. What say you about Steeler Nation, random Arizona newspaper?

They have occasionally been described in unflattering terms by sports journalists in other cities. For example, prior to Super Bowl XLIII, the Phoenix New Times warned readers that Steelers fans were the "grubbiest, loudest, and nastiest fan base in all of sports – as well as one of the largest" and that as the only NFL fanbase in Appalachia, they were "white trash" and "hillbillies."
I could not have said it better. They are quite grubby.

So there you go. If you are as tired of “Nations” as I am, then there is only one place to point the blame…Pittsburgh. You suck, Grumpy/Jeff.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Who Hates Defense???

                     "Ever had your asshole fucked with the barrel of a 9mm?"

Holy titty twisters the NBA All Star game is nearly here!  It seems like only yesterday we started this NBA lockout shortened season.  Because it probably was almost yesterday.  You'll have to forgive me if this post goes short since I only have a few more minutes of sweet, precious life.  You see, the GF won't stop watching The Voice and the only way I knew I could stop it was by drinking a pint of bleach.  In approximately 45 short minutes I should be dead or semi-retarded.  Either way, the hurt should stop.

Most All Star games are diaper bombs filled with creamy baby shit since ingrate fans are responsible for the rosters.  MuDawgfan probably called off work one day only so he could use his eight hour shift to submit twenty thousand useless Joe Johnson votes.  And usually All Star games are about as important as G$'s high school intramural basketball team.  The Pacers?  Is that right?  You probably referred to yourself as the white Reggie Miller while cranking up 37 foot air balls, didn't you?  Don't forget to kick your legs while shooting, queer.  Who was your Rik Smits?  Naptown Wolverine?  And don't tell me no one because I know that's a lie!

Anyway...I actually like the NBA All Star game even though it's glorified street hoops with fewer black guys shouting black guy stuff that white guys don't understand into the PA microphone.  Which means I also must like G$'s Pacers.  Fuck!  How did that happen??  Must have been all that Smits talk.  But just like every other All Star team in other sports, there are always snubs and guys that don't Mo Williams three years ago.  Let's rearrange these rosters.

West Starters:
Kevin Durant
Blake Griffin
Kobe Bryant
Chris Paul
Andrew Bynum

As much as I love watching Blake Griffin's personal mission to give every last player in the league a taste of his salty sacked lunch, I don't think he should be a starter.  Put him as a reserve and throw Kevin Love in there.  The dude is top 5 in scoring and in rebounding.  What more does Love have to do to be a starter?  Be black apparently.  Second...get Andrew Bynum the fuck off that roster completely.  He's the 3rd best player on his team and the 2nd best center.  Even if Pau Gasol is really a Nordic woman.

If the only reason Bynum is on there is because he's a loose cannon then I would put Demarcus Cousins on that team over Bynum.  First, Cousins has done almost exactly what Bynum has stat wise this year (minus the blocks but who cares because that 7 foot tall woman with a beard on the Lakers can block shots almost as well as he gives life scarring nightmares to young children).  Second, Cousins is a complete shit show and is a lock to do something unforgettably dumb.  Why not spice up All Star weekend with a little chemically induced craziness?  Sign me up.

Reserves I would remove:  Marc Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker.  Boooooo foreigners!
Snubs I would add:  Al Jefferson, David Lee, Monta Ellis.  Amurrrrrica!

East starters:
Carmelo Anthony
Lebron James
Derrick Rose
Dwyane Wade
Dwight Howard

Three players from the same team should never be on an All Star team.  That's just fuckin bagy as shit.  I know that the Heat have this super team and everything...but when you do what they did, on top of the world hating you more than a terrorist, you sacrifice things like All Star roster spots.  Those are my rules and that means Dwyane Wade is gone and at home to soak his vagina in an Epsom salt bath.  If you've had problems staying on the court in the first 30 games, you probably shouldn't be doing things like All Star games anyway.

I'm not trying to get all Colon Cowturd on you here, but Deron Williams should totes be starting this game over Derrick Rose.  HOLY SHIT!  The pint of bleach is really starting to kick in.  That really can't be the reserves for the Eastern Conference.  Just looking at that slop pile brings me to teary laughter.  Is the East really that fuckin bad?  This is the worst bench ever assembled.  Period.  How many dicks did Roy Hibbert have to suck to make this roster?  Way to parlay that Parks and Rec cameo into an All Star berth, dick face.  Andre Iguodala is ELITE at underbites and shooting threes by the truckload despite the fact he's a career 32% assassin from deep.  I guess 12PPG makes you an All Star these days.  I would rather see Iggy challenge LaMichael James to a "Who can chew through this car door faster" contest that watch him go 2 for 19 in the All Star game.  What a fuckin joke.

Reserves I would remove: Hibbert, Iggy, Luol Deng.  GTFO
Snubs I would add: Greg Monroe, Kyrie Irving, Danny Granger...because if Luol Fucking Deng is an All Star than so is Danny Granger, God Dammit this roster fucking sucks.

The East is going to get beat by 100.  That's my final assessment.  I'm in Dayton tomorrow for work so you girls play nice without me in the comment section.  And fuck you, Brady.  I'll write about basketball whenever I fuck I want.  I can already hear the menstruation before you even read this post, ya girl.  Happy Tuesday, fuck sticks.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Dut Went To A Rodeo and Other Stuff From The Weekend

Hi, Dut!
You can imagine my surprise when I read that our very own Dut went to a goddamn rodeo at Nationwide on Saturday night.  I can't wait to find out why.  "Free tickets" is not a good excuse for such a "Steelers fan" event.  You aren't better than much, but you are BETTER THAN THIS.  I think that Li'l Poopson hit the nail on the head though with his assertion that "cowboy butts drive Dut nuts".  True, so very true.  Let's just hit up a bunch of news stories from the weekend.

*Whitney Houston dead - Whatever.  I have never felt sympathy for crackheads and I don't see why I would start now.  My only feeling about this is that Kevin Costner has failed yet again.  Some shitty bodyguard he is. 

*LINsanity is officially annoying - Who could have guessed that ESPN would take a pretty good story, prematurely blow it WAY out of proportion, and then make the world turn on a kid that deservedly has earned praise.  The 13-15 Knicks (still terrible, mind you) led off Sportscenter every day this past weekend due to their Asian point guard that they were forced to play.  Guess what: the Knicks are still bad and Jeremy Lin will go back to being a nothing once Carmelo and Amare come back and take every shot.  So enjoy it now because those two ballhogs are going to kill off Yellow Fever very soon.  By the way, Worldwide Leader, Kyrie is better than Lin and Rubio, start reporting this.

*The Cavs are done - When news broke on Saturday that Anderson Varejao broke his wrist on Friday night (caused by goddamn Drew Gooden), it effectively ended the season for the Cavs.  Andy is out indefinitely which I would guess is anywhere from 6-10 weeks.  This team has almost zero depth (Harangody!) and can not afford to have their few good players get hurt.  It was a bad week for Byron Scott and Co.  Oh well, it was a fun 25 games but now it is time to start focusing on lottery position.  Let's unload Razor Ramon and Jamison, let the young guys learn on the job, and get some more balls in the lotto.  The pieces are there for the future, that is for sure.

*Sparty owns the Fuckeyes at everything - What a pleasant surprise it was to see Tom Izzo come to town and end Ohio's long home court winning streak Saturday.  It was an ugly ass game, but Sparty continues to beat the shit out of Ohio no matter what sport it is.  By the way, was it just me or was ESPN's HD feed fucking awful during this?  It was all choppy at the Mansion.  Congrats to Jared Sullinger on his triple-double (TEN turnovers!).  We've said it before but it bears repeating: Matta's team is ELITE defensively but this offense probably can't go on a 6 game winning streak come March.  The troof hurts.

*Bow down to the 'brow - I haven't watched a ton of Kentucky this year, but it's hard to ignore that Anthony Davis averages almost FIVE blocks per game.  That is ELITE.  I don't know if the kid is big enough (muscles) to go #1 overall, but he is a lock for top 3.  And if the Bobcats (AWFUL) get the #1, it's hard to see them taking someone that plays the same position as Byron James Mullens.

*Next stop: NOT the Hall of Fame - The Steelers are finally going to release Hines Ward.  That makes sense since he's terrible.  It's funny that Ward is begging them to resign him to a lesser deal just so he can stay with the team.  Fuck him.

*Next stop: Pittsburgh? - Everyone is reporting that the Yankees and Pirates are closing in on a deal that will send AJ Burnett to the bottom of the NL Central.  Obviously, the Yankees will eat a lot of money on this and have asked for slugger Garrett Jones in return for doing this (which would be a nice addition).  The Pirates are balking at this though.  But it appears that AJ's days are over in The Bronx.  Now, most Yankees fans truly despise Burnett but I don't.  Sure, they way overpaid the guy but he helped win a World Series and was a pretty decent big game pitcher over the years.  So if he is gone this week, I will just remember his excellent playoff starts from 2009.  But it is pretty LOL that they are going to pay someone 25 million to take AJ off of their hands.

*Next stop: Southside! - I think that we all are hoping that Gunner Kiel's college years are similar to what happened to Mitch Mustain.  Mustain was a piece of shit throughout his joke of a football career and now he has signed with the White Sox.  Mr. Ace already bought a MUSTAIN t-shirt jersey.

That about covers it for today.  I see that that Diggs asshole committed to Maryland which makes him the first cat not to get brainwashed by The Urbantaker.  Whatevs, there better be some awesome Dut/rodeo jokes today.  Don't let me down.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Open Forum: BBQ

Yesterday’s post veered, as usual, off course a bit and ended up spending some time inside of the proverbial smoker. This happens quite often (and that’s fine) because right now there is nothing more important in any of our lives than the forthcoming RIBFEST. Now, there seemed to be a huge tinkling contest regarding what those attending can and can’t order. Grumpy, obviously our host on 2/25, has laid down the law with his proclamation that anything on the menu is free game (insert your own Mr. Vegan-will-order-gay-shit joke). And that’s nice. Here’s a tip for you: most BBQ joints have a wide array of combo meals. Why argue over whether to get ribs or wings when you can get BOTH. Dumbshits. Anyway, I’ve wanted to write up a primer on BBQ for awhile now and today is the day that it gets published. First up: Local BBQ Joints…they aren’t ranked in any particular order because any place that smokes brisket is automatically better than a place that doesn’t, so here are just a few notes regarding the area feed bags.

Montgomery Inn – Let there be no doubt that the food here is incredible, but it’s overpriced. There’s no way around that. But you know, when you serve a Saratoga chip that mean, you can charge whatever you want. I am in the Inn Crowd with Paul Keels.
Barley’s Smokehouse – I’ve only been there once so it’s hard to gauge the entire place, but I admit that I was underwhelmed after such a glowing review from Ace. My ribs weren’t very hot and I found the wings overrated. BUT, I believe in second chances and I know that Barley’s wants to redeem themselves to me. They will have their chance in 15 days. BRING YO A+ GAME! I AM AN IMPORTANT INTERNET GUY!
Smoky Bones – Cool name for a restaurant, but unfortunately the wings and ribs both sucked.
City Barbecue – I think that Ide brought this place up yesterday. I like City. I’m one of those guys that always orders some sort of a sampler platter and theirs is outstanding. She$ has ordered the ribs the last two times we went and both times they were undercooked and even a tiger couldn’t have pulled the meat off the bone. It was sad. We haven’t been back since (which is also sad even if it isn’t my choice).
Hoggy’s – Word broke here a few months ago that this amazing BBQ heaven was closing 7 of their 8 central Ohio locations due to the economy. That was a bad day for G$. I LOVE HOGGY’S. Everything they made there was outstanding. It was there that I once watched Jon Deibler ELITEly eat a plate of smoked chicken wings on New Year’s Eve. The worst part about it is that I’m way too lazy to drive over to Gahanna to devour at the only remaining location. So, in essence, I can no longer eat their incredibly BBQ. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry now.

Meats (these will be ranked)
1. Ribs – The king of BBQ. I prefer beef over pork ribs. Is there anything better when you can pick up a rib bone and it requires almost zero effort to get the meat into your food hole? I think not.
2. Brisket – A very close second and probably the most consistently great BBQ option.
3. Pulled Pork – Because pig is better than chicken
4. Pulled Chicken – I don’t know, BBQ shredded chicken just seems too easy and a dish that unimaginative pussies would order.
5. ½ Chickens – Why would anyone order one of these over one of the first three options above?
Bonus: Chicken Wings – I prefer when they are lightly breaded and fried, but many like the smoked version. My preference does not really fit with this post, but you can never forget about wings. For the record, I still have Winking Lizard as the best with Quaker Steak right behind.
Bonus Pt. 2: Hog Roast – Do they still have these? I remember going to a few when I was younger. If you can get over the fact that there is a whole goddamn hog just laying there with its sweet, tasty guts hanging out for you to eat, it is actually quite delicious. If we make Ribfest annual, I nominate a Hog Roast in some future year.

Regional Styles of BBQ (also ranked and since I watch every special about BBQing on TV, also a lesson on their differences)
1. Texas – This version is mostly a deep, smoky brisket-based BBQ. Not too reliant on ribs and its Texas so they don’t have much use for pork.
2. Kansas City– Nelly’s people are into their sauces. STL is known for their ribs and they like them “wet” AKA adding flavor via sauces. I prefer this style of rib.
3. Carolina – Carolina BBQ is chopped or pulled pork with a mustard and vinegar-based sauce.
4. Memphis – Mike Conley, Jr. likes his ribs dry. Here, they don’t sauce their meat. They allow their “rubs” to give the meat its flavor. I don’t care for dry rubs. It makes me way too thirsty. And there is your lesson on The Four Horsemen of BBQ.

Side Dishes (consider this an open forum within an open forum)
Mac and Cheese – Always a quality dish as it adds a different texture while not filling you up
Taters – Don’t eat these. Starches fill you up quickly and take up precious room that should belong to dead cow.
Broccoli – It seems like every restaurant likes to put a side of this shit on a beautiful picture of their ribs. Why? Broccoli is fucking terrible. Don’t order broccoli. New rule: if anyone orders broccoli as a side at Ribfest, they just bought their own meal.
Creamed Spinach – Sounds gross but I like it. It is TOTES not nearly as healthy as it sounds but I can fool myself by thinking that it counterbalances the 3 pounds of brisket that is coursing through my veins.
Baked Beans and Cole Slaw – Can’t go wrong with these and they don’t take up too much room.
Chili Mac – Hoggy’s has tremendous chili mac. If you can’t picture what I’m talking about then you’re an idiot.
Cornbread – She$ loves cornbread. I am indifferent. Is it possible for anyone to not make this insanely dry? Much like taters, you are just wasting meat space with bread.
Collared Greens – Just kidding, no one eats these.

Before we leave, I would like to give a shout out to the wetnap which is one of the more underrated inventions in world history. You see, I am a slob. I get shit all over me all the time. Ask my wife about how I’m banned from wearing a white shirt to Mexican restaurants due to the millions of times that I acquired a self-inflicted salsa stain. When I eat BBQ, I end up with sauce everywhere. Somehow it even ends up in my dickhole. But the ol’ trusty wetnap has never met a grubby face or disgusting hand that it could not clean. I use at least 40 of these if they are available. I love them.

Argue with me; agree with me, it does not matter. For we are men and we prove our manliness constantly by eating meat right off the bone like a bunch of pimp ass cavemen. The important thing is that we are talking about the best style of food in AMURRRRRRIKA. And don’t forget, Ribfest is 2 weeks from tomorrow. Get ya bibs ready.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

A Post That Would Make Tim Allen Grunt

This is what everyone looks like in McClure, OH.
The other night I was trolling through my Facebook feed, checking in on people that I know but do not give a fuck about. There was the normal shit: Buckeye basketball stuff, someone talking unintelligible smack about the President as if he/she is friends with them, quotes that mean nothing and the person that posted them doesn’t even remotely get the meaning of—you know, the norm. And then I saw an update from Mr. Ace who appeared to be bragging about his dinner of tofu tacos. TOFU.  TACOS.  It was at this point where I realized that he had gone too far.

Being healthy is one thing; and anyone willing to make changes should be encouraged and applauded. But when that person makes such drastic changes that result in him becoming the biggest fucking hippie douche menstruating gash; then he can no longer be classified as a man. This time, Mr. Ace went too far. Show of hands: who respects someone that eats tofu? That’s what I thought. I have an idea for how to bring his Apeness back to the side of the big, swingin’ carnivore dicks though.

Actually, no, he has past the point of no return. When you ruin an excellent meal like tacos with your vegan bullshit, you do not deserve to live anymore. So before we eat Ribs and pray to Tenor on 2/25, let’s murder Mr. Ace in the parking lot of Barley’s and then give each other alibis. Hell, maybe even throw him in the smoker and we can eat him. From what I keep hearing, smoked Ace is likely going to be a low-calorie snack. Bastard. BE A MAN!

Anyway, while I was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I started thinking about what constitutes a “MAN” holiday. Days that are OUR days where we eat what we want, ignore the women as much as possible (unless they are taking their clothes off for money), and drink like a Viking. I was able to shorten the list down to 4 and they just so happen to be seasonal. Here is my list of the 4 Best Holidays Celebrated By Real Men:

Winter – Super Bowl Sunday. This is an obvious one. You should be eating nothing that is low fat, not fried, or not covered with cheese. Vegetables can take the day off on Super Bowl Sunday.  It is the end of the football season and thus it must be cherished and celebrated.

Spring – Memorial Day. This is an underrated holiday. At least in Ohio, mid-to-late May is usually a pretty nice time to be outside. That means that grilling season has officially begun AND “outdoor drinking” has also started. The 4th of July is too hot and humid to be outside manning a grill and Labor Day gets mushroom-stamped by the start of football season which is why I rank Memorial Day as the best holiday of these three. Plus, you probably haven’t had a mandatory day off from work since New Year’s Day so this is nice.

Summer – Fantasy Football Draft Day. Most of the time, this date falls on a Saturday in August and I look forward to it every year. It’s as if once you get YOUR team, the real thing is only a few weeks away. Plus, FFDD almost always leads to way too much cheap beer drinking and over-indulging on pizza, dip, wings, or whatever.  And let's not forget the casual racism from vagabonds like Dut and Jeff at the DFL Draft!

Fall – Thanksgiving. The best holiday around. Football. An excellent food spread. Higher quality beer. Pie. Poker at Naptown Wolverine’s house. It is the best.  It is the one true holiday that always lives up to the hype.  The fact that my in-laws always spend Thanksgiving in Florida may or may not make this time of year even more enjoyable!

Notice the lack of Christmas (wildly overrated), New Year's Day (bowl games are meaningless and you are probably hungover), and the always awesome Sweetest Day (not even a real thing).  Those holidays are gay.

And there you go; an entire day of calling Mr. Ace a fag and arguing about the best Man Days of the year. I hate Mr. Ace. I love fried turkey.  But not as much as I loathe Mr. Ace.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Urban Meyer Is A Cocksucker

Hey single guys out there! Yeah, YOU! What do you do when you see a hot bitch at the bar wearing an engagement ring? If you aren’t a total creeper, you likely move onto the next skank. A very small percentage will still try to take that engaged girl out to the alley behind the bar to rearrange her insides, ring be damned. It’s a sleazy thing to do and I doubt that anyone feels good about it the next day, but hey, it happens occasionally.

This is pretty much the gist of this whole Urban Meyer/Bret Bielema fiasco. Bielema got engaged to Kyle Dotson. Urban swooped in before the ceremony. Double B ended up with Antoine Dodson…FO REAL. And now Bret “The Not Fit Man” Bielema is raging about it.

Now, Bielema has every right to be pissed off about this. I don’t agree with him going public with his discontent and coming off like a twat, but I see where he is coming from. This is the Big Ten. We do things differently up here. This isn’t the Wild West/SEC. There is an honor code up North. When a kid says that he is going somewhere, you don’t keep calling him. I get all of that and Bielema is right.

But what Urban Meyer did isn’t wrong either. I don’t blame the guy for coming in guns blazing (another Wild West reference?). He takes his “dream job” and wants to set the tone early and often. He wants to make a splash and establish the fact that HE is the alpha dog in the Big Ten. Meyer did nothing illegal (even if it probably is on the unethical side, it’s not illegal to fuck a guy’s fiance). The fact is that this is how things were done in the SEC. If they aren’t signed, they are still available. This is what Meyer is used to when he hits the recruiting trail. How do you blame a guy for being really good at what he does? How is that his fault if he doesn’t match up with your value system? After all, it’s worked out quite well for Meyer.

So, in essence, I think that both Bielema and The Heart Attack Kid are both fundamentally correct here with their opinions on Meyer’s recruiting which is weird since they are on complete opposite sides of the spectrum. Bielema needs to understand that with ELITE recruiters like Urban and The Hokester now in the conference, shit is about to get a whole lot tougher. The days of Tress and Paterno and monocles and glasses of milk are over. And maybe Urban, now firmly entrenched as THE MAN in the Big Ten, can sort of lay off the gas when it comes to stealing from his peers. While most mouth-breathing bucktards love this, it probably isn’t the best way to go about things and pissing everyone off on the recruiting trail is not the best first impression. It will be interesting to see if he continues to do it in the future. We’ll see, but I think that Meyer will start leaving other’s verbals alone in the future to avoid more of this similar bullshit. Take it from LeBron, being the villain isn’t easy or fun.

Feel free to talk about the PRACTICE of recruiting today, just not specific players. I don’t want that. Hop on your moral high horse and fire away.

But back to the title of this post, Urban and I got into a bit of a tussle via snail mail recently. The results are below:

My “stationary” is ELITE! I can’t wait to silence that smug prick on September 1st.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Here's Something Everyone Can Hate.

                    Even as a young child, boners always made Kris smile...

This past weekend was wildly uneventful for me so instead of boring you with the details of how I whipped Ganondorf's green skinned ass, I'll just make a brief statement about Free Ribs Moneyshot Night.  Before we move forward with this, I would just like to dedicate this historic event to the honor of Tim Tenor.  You may make people cringe like they're watching a fag shit shattered, bloody glass out of his asshole when you start speaking in tongues about the word of God...but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are in your debt.  Only you, Tenor, can bring sworn enemies closer with the promise of free ribs.  And stiffing Dut with the bill isn't entirely out of the question, Grumpy.  Just throwing that out there.  Let's talk NBA.

Tiago Splitter remains the greatest name in the NBA this season.  How Splitter never considered an adult film career is beyond my brain power.  Do you think he calls his unit "The Bitch Splitter"?  Because I would.  No matter how many open hand slaps it registered.

The New Jersey Nets are Williams' hoarders.  I have no real explanation for this...I just happened to stumble upon their roster and discovered about 20% of it bears the last name Williams.  Heads up, Mo...I heard you're next.  Kris Humphries is a complete homosexual.  Unrelated to anything above, but 100% true.

Kevin Love has himself a bit of a temper.  Granted, if I took a 2-seamer directly to the fuckin pill box as Love did, I would be pretty fired up myself.  Shit, I'm pissed for him because we need Love's sperm to create future awesome, white basketball players.  But you should leave the stomping to people we expect it out of, dildo black guys who play for the Detroit Lions.  I know...I know...I would totally face stomp Scola too based solely on the fact that he is a foreigner and probably smells like an outhouse in July.  But you're KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM THIS WEEK, ASSHOLE!  If it were possible to catch and throw farts at people, Scola is on my list of potential victims.

Here it is.  What you've all been waiting for.  Savor the flavor because it sure as shit won't happen again.  I was totes wrong about Kyrie Irving.  That fucker can ball.  ELITE jinx right there.  What impresses me the most about this kid is how he's putting up those numbers with the second worst roster in the NBA (Behind Detroit of course.  There are times I'd bet my balls I'm watching their D-league team).  I feel at peace admitting my obvious error since he'll be on a different team once his contract is up.  Boom.

Remember when the Southwest in the Western Conference used to be the toughest?  Now it's just filled with Ben-Gay, boner pills and guys who buy dirty underwear worn by 12 year old boys off the Internet.  I can't believe how fucking old Dallas is.  It's a nursing home for Christ sake.  I hate that Jason Terry has a ring...I hate it more than I hate diarrhea.

Kenyon Martin to the Clippers was a great basketball move.  Now if only the Clippers didn't play in Los Angeles.  Martin in LA is about as smart as taking Josh Hamilton as your wing man to five day Rave party in Las Vegas.  Some "just sweep it under the rug and hope people don't ask questions" shit is gonna go down.  Any time you're dealing with a guy with lips tattooed on his neck, you can expect him to do something monumentally retarded.

ZOMG!  The Knicks have an American born Asian guy at PG who went to Harvard.  That is all.

I have a feeling most of you are going to hate this post.  Good.  It'll give you all something to bitch about when we meet on the 25th in the fiery bowels of Satan known as Columbus.  Hey G$...get your ass in gear with the details you were supposed to have out yesterday.  Maybe give the flesh light a timeout and clue everyone in on the only good thing that has ever come out of Pittsburgh Steeler football.  (Reader's Note:  This shot was taken before I went back to the home page and saw the separate post about rib fest.  Hurtful words retracted.)  Have a shitty day everyone.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Site News: Ribfest Is Officially Set

He'll be there.  Maybe.
The agreement has been worked out earlier today and I can now safely announce that Ribfest is a go.  I agree with Mr. Ace that it will be held at Barley's Smokehouse (US 33 and Grandview Ave) on SATURDAY FEBRUARY 25TH.  Let's hold a tentative time of 5-5:30 pm.  I know that seems early but Grumpy prefers the Early Bird specials and I have convinced our host to go to the Miami/Ohio hockey game that night and puck drops at 7:05.

The hockey game is not mandatory because how can I force anyone to do anything, Dut, you idiot.  But the more the merrier as it should be a good game, both schools are pretty good and fighting for spots in the tournament, the tickets are only $11, THEY SELL BEER THERE (somehow), and the two programs hate each other.  Seriously.  They HATE each other.  So if you want to go to that, let me know.  Who knows, I might even buy your ticket (if I strike it rich playing KENO!!!).

I only have two rules for Ribfest though:
1. Grumpy could have easily told us to fuck off, but he didn't and is being a man about it.  He pays for the eats, you buy your own beer/drinks.  This is my rule for the event.  Plus, I'm told that Grumpy is flying in Prime (may not be true)!  I can't wait to see the look on our server's face when we drop this split checks bomb.
2. Remember why you are gathered.  It was awhile ago, but we will be meeting because of the greatness of Tim Tenor and thus Iceman will lead our dinner with a 7 minute prayer.  This is not negotiable.  We must bless our food in the name of Timmy Tens.

So clear your calendars and join us in 19 days.  Yep, Ribfest is on because I just get things done.