Tuesday, January 31, 2012


                                                "BLACK GUY!!!!!!!"

For those of you who aren't Facebook friends with me (just ask Grumpy how fulfilling it is) you will be interested to know that I have discovered something earth shattering.  Peanut butter made from honey roasted peanuts.  FUCKING ELITE!  Easily cracks the top 10 in most memorable/best purchases in my life.  It rightfully knocked my pineapple slicer from the ranks and back into the "Joe Flacco: I thought this would be way sweeter than it actually is" category.  If you have the means I highly recommend...it is so choice.  Onto more pressing news.  I decided that we could all use a little more basketball here.  So from now on what I've decided to do is make Tuesdays, basketball Tuesdays.  We'll alternate between the NBA and college hoops since it appears there's a lot more basketball fans here than I originally thought.  Today is all things college.

Harrison Barnes is not ELITE - I've seen quite a few Norf Carolina games this year and I gotta say...Harrison Barnes looks pretty fuckin average to me.  My moment of clarity was when Florida State got buck nasty with UNC and Barnes just laid back and took it.  Like a runaway 16 year old strapped to a rape stand doing anal for quaaludes.  I guess I just expect more out of a guy who was supposed to be a lottery pick last year and 17 PPG doesn't get me very rigid.

Wisconsin is soooooo God damn white - This team looks like they're fourteen bedsheets away from a Klan rally.  The funniest thing about this team is Jordan Taylor.  Total 100% white kid name and is from Minnesota, arguably the whitest state in America.  I can just imagine Bo Ryan traveling there all fired up to see some blond haired, blue eyed, cream colored dreamboat tearing shit up.  Except when he gets there and sees Taylor he's more shocked then I was a week ago when I woke up covered in dog piss.  I bet at that point he just said, "Fuck it.  We drove here so I guess we're committed now."

Kentucky - Totes the best team in college basketball.  I hope no one argues this.  But when you ignore all the rules like Calipari and pay your players, it makes sense that wherever he coaches is usually the New York Yankees of college basketball.  But I bet if you show any of those kids a 4th grade math problem you could reduce them to tears.  Especially Anthony Davis.  He's let that unibrow go untamed for this long so I have to assume he has the IQ of an egg fart.  That thing is fucking tremendous.

Syracuse - Taking this team past the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament will be a crucial mistake.  This is the weakest #2 team I have seen in years...maybe ever.  Plus they lost to Notre Dame who somehow has ANOTHER guy on their team that looks and plays exactly like Luke Harangody.  I'll never understand the desire for a 6'9" white guy who can't leap over a fucking paint can.  Anyway, this is about how Syracuse shouldn't be in the top 10, not about Notre Dame's thirst for nonathletic Mark Madsen clones.  Take this team to the ELITE 8 and lose to your mom in the NCAA pool again.

The Zags are back to underdog status - Remember when Gonzaga started becoming everyones favorite Cinderella?  Remember when Gonzaga snuck up on everyone like a dog fart and butchered everyones tournament bracket?  Remember when every dumb bitch that filled out a bracket picked Gonzaga to win it all and you laughed at them relentlessly?  Remember when Gonzaga had that guy who was like 35 and fuckin fought off a bear who attacked him? (Pretty sure it was Gonzaga...but guess what?  It is now!)  Remember when Gonzaga stopped sneaking up on people and Butler took over that role?  Well, I think Gonzaga may be up to their old tricks again.  They're like Sweedish Fish...they're always around but you just kinda forget about them and how fucking delicious they can be.

Next week we're gonna talk some NBA and all of you will most likely get something you come here every week for...Iceman eating crow.  But that's reserved for next Tuesday, dick sniffers.  Since we talked about OSU and Michigan yesterday, that's off limits.  SO IS FUCKING URBAN MEYER RECRUITING, BRADY.  Hope that was loud and clear enough for you, ya fuckin twat.  Eat my shit.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Your (and My) Super Bowl Live Journal Warm-Up Show

Dammit, there was no football this weekend.  Did you all notice that?  That sucked!  We've got a whole other week still of pointless, fabricated storylines and the dreaded Media Day before we can end the season in style.  I plan on doing another Live Journal for the Super Bowl itself which is always a fan favorite around these parts.  So what about today?  Do I talk about the Pro Bowl and my beloved Blue Shirts?  The NHL All Star Game (coming to Columbus next year, fucko!!!)?  My thoughts on Moneyball (which I watched on Saturday and actually enjoyed it)?  Nah, how about I get into the Live Journal spirit and do one for practice for the Ohio State/Michigan basketball game!  That effects many of us and should be good game (it better be if I'm going to run of these).  So let's get to it!

12:50 - Obviously, we already have Hokeamania but I think that, to make the rivalry between the schools legit, Urban Meyer needs a wrestling related nickname as well.  Thoughts?  Rowdy Urban Meyer isn't doing it for me and he doesn't give off a Nature Boy vibe to me.
12:51 - The winner of today's hoops game will take over sole possession of first place in the Big "Ten" which is the best conference in the country this year.  Intrigue!  This game has it.  Is it the only game between these two rivals?  I think I saw that it was.  Stupid.
12:58 - I dislike local sports wonk, Dom Tiberi, so much.  Speaking of the local news, I saw Andrea Cambern at Target once and she is hot.  Swear to God.  She looks much better in person than on TV which is weird.
1:00 - Oooooooh Kevin Harlan and Bill Raftery!  I can dig it.  It looks like CBS was able to find Sullinger and Trey Burke's mugshots from high school.  Those are terrible pictures.

1:05 - UM ass-coach, Bacari Alexander, with the dumbest pregame speech of all time regarding "stepping up".  He should be fired for that.
1:06 - Always bet on black.  Fuckeyes start one white man while UM features two.  anOSU will win because of that.
1:07 - MAN-TO-MAN!!!  Lay-up by Jordan Morgan!  O-VER-RATED!!!
1:08 - TH2 FO THREE!!!  5-0 Wolves!  37 straight wins at home for Matta...pretty ELITE stat.  Speaking of ELITE, Prime texted me on Saturday night to let me know that he was eating at the ELITE Cafe in San Fran.  ELITE eating decision.
1:10 - Mac From Night Court (to be referred to as MFNC from here on) with a three.
1:11 - Stu Douglass voluntarily steps on the out of bounds line because he sucks.  And another turnover by Stu because, again, he sucks. 5-5.  Dunk by Sullinger and the Bucks take the lead.  7-7 at first media TO after Buford takes a stupid charge foul.

1:15 - I'm going to spend the commercial break talking about Jared Sullinger.  First of all, "Jared" might be the least black first name ever.  Second, his nickname isn't and shouldn't be "Sully".  Sully is short for Sullivan and it is what dumbfuck Red Sox fans are nicknamed.  Come up with something new that doesn't make him sound like a Masshole.  Finally, he was better when he was carrying that baby fat.  Yeah, I said it.
1:16 - Raftery: "Novak, you can't leave this kid alone" right before he misses a wide open shot.  Zack Novak is the worst.
1:18 - And-1 for Lenzelle Smith, Jr.  I heard him interviewed on the radio last week and he came off very smart and likable.  I was shocked.
1:19 - And-1 for Sullinger because putting the terrible Evan Smotrycz on him is a LOLZ idea. 13-9 anOSU.
1:20 - Novak chucks up a three that hits only backboard.  Then he sucks the cock of someone in the front row...looked like a stranger. Under 12 TO, still 13-9 and getting sloppy.

1:25 - I kind of like Jordan Morgan.  Novak misses again/slurps jizz.  By the way, I really like UM's blue road unis over the yellows that they sometimes wear.  That is all.
1:28 - Smotrycz from deep!  Someone get him some ProActive!  TH2 airballs a three.  This game kind of sucks.  The pace eats doo-doo butter.  NOVAK MISSES A LAY-UP!  TERRIBLE PLAYER!  Under 8 TO, 16-15 UM.
1:30 - I just started watching Homeland On Demand on Saturday.  Solid program.  And that was your random thought for this TV timeout.  Pitbull and Bud Light?  Whatever.
1:35 - Smotrycz "elbows" MFNC in the face.  It totes didn't land.  Give MFNC an Emmy right now!  DeShaun Thomas is a pussy ass bitch for that queer move.  If Ed Hightower was doing this game, he would eject MFNC for wasting everyone's time.  Elaborately, natch.
1:37 - Although maybe Smotrycz hit MFNC in the face with some of his zit pus.  McLimans on Michigan?  The fuck?  Michigan has 4 white guys on the court right now!

1:40 - Under 4 TO, 19-18 UM.  This is rotten basketball.  I am more interested in She$ searching for Valentine's Day gifts that I should buy her and I am NOT interested in that at all.  Keep in mind, this is the same woman that wouldn't give me Christmas gift ideas because she likes to be surprised yet is all about getting what she wants two months later.  Never get married.  It is a constant mind-fuck.
1:43 - Aaron Craft can solve a rubix cube in less than a minute.  I would rather watch that than this game.  How many 40 footers has UM shot?  At least 8.
1:45 - William Buford misses a wide open 3 just to remind everyone that he still plays.  His consistency sucks.  Buford should be way better by now than what he is.  anOSU is on a 6-0 run which would be a 40-0 run in a normal game of basketball.
1:47 - STU 4 2!  21-21!  Michigan is taking Bacari Alexander's words to heart with their "stepping up"!  Good God, that was terrible...much like this first half.
1:50 - Pizza Face Smotrycz and Shannon Scott throw up a pair of turds to take us to halftime.  The miserable score is 24-21 Fuckeyes lead.  I'm going to kill myself.  If I fail, I'll be back for the 2nd half.

2:03 - The Royal Rumble PPV is tonight/was last night.  Did you know that the inaugural winner of the Rumble was Hacksaw Jim Duggan?  HOOOOOOOOO!!!  I should be watching Duggan tribute videos on YouTube instead of watching this shitty game.  Second half coming up...

2:07 - Michigan starting the second half MAN-TO-MAN!  Stu for three ties the game at 26 and it looks like both teams are playing basketball now.   A pleasant surprise as Craft answers with a trey of his own.  HOOPS!
2:10 - Text from Damman: "I had no idea that Michigan had a Burke and a McLimans...getting pretty close to St. Augie's basketball".  TRUE DAT!  I played on those legendary St. Augustine Saints teams!
2:13 - Ted Valentine is emoting calls like Ed Hightower out there today.  I love it.  Trey from Trey gets us back to a one point game.  Now we're playin', yo!  Under 16 TO, 36-33 anOSU.
2:16 - Random thought during the commercial: I have no idea how to spell Beilein and I don't think that I ever will be 100% sure how it is spelled.  It doesn't really bother me either because John Bielien looks like the kind of guy that would be into having sex with dead people.  My wife is eating a Fun Dip right now which doesn't even hide the fact that it is just pure sugar.  I'm totes jelly of her.  I didn't even know that they still sold that stuff.

2:18 - Lenzelle has 13 and 9 already.  Damn, those numbers really snuck up on me.  Buford the Friendly Ghost with a steal and slam puts the Fucks up 7 and UM needs a timeout.  I am staring daggers into the wife right now...I WANT THAT FUN DIP!
2:22 - Thoughts on "The Urbantaker"?  It's growing on me because he's a badass yet also dead.
2:23 - Craft with a sick move to the hoop for an And-1.  "Fuck you, Morgan" (courtesy of the late, great James Doakes!) with his 4th foul and this one is starting to get out of hand.  PLEASE, keep it close for my sake.  McLimans baits Sullinger into his third foul...he learned that move in the AUGIEDOME.  Under 12 TO, OSU up 42-35.
2:26 - I would love to murder those "that was so 27 seconds ago" guys for AT&T.  No judge or jury would ever convict me of this "crime" because they deserve to die.

2:29 - According to CBS, the court is Sullinger's oyster.  This means what exactly?  Update: Zack Novak has not scored yet.  ME LIKEY.  Buckeyes up 11 now...might as well be 50.  This is over.  John Beilein is already thinking about his midnight morgue trip.
2:31 - Trey Burke takes and makes a terrible three pointer.  I've got to be honest, Lenzelle is winning me over today.  Not ELITE yet, but a solid glue guy.
2:33 - Is that Evan Smotrycz or a jar of strawberry preserves?  COUNT IT!
2:34 - What is the opposite of momentum?  Because that should Buford's nickname.  TH2 hits a three and we're back to a single digit difference.  Under 8 TO, Fuckeyes up 50-41.

2:37 - Text from Drew proves that he is at the game today inside of Cheap Furniture Arena.  That makes him the second biggest douchebag there as he will never be able to top Buckeyes ass-coach, Jeff Boals.  That guy is a shit sniffer.  Nice D&G eyewear, cocksucker.
2:39 - Michigan has not shot a free throw yet.  There are 7 minutes left in the game.  I blame Jerry Dunn.  Does UM even run an offense other than "shoot contested three from NBA range"?
2:42 - The big marquee underneath the scorer's table is bragging about a national title from 52 years ago.  God, I hate anOSU.
2:44 - Sullinger SWATS the life out of Zack Novak and runs the floor for a THUNDEROUS slam.  Beilein needs a timeout as this one is beginning to look like it's over.  Burke nails a three though.  I wonder if his dad is a speech teacher.

2:46 - Under 4 TO and Ohio State is up 58-46.  I just saw Greg Paulus on the Fuckeye bench.  That's embarrassing.  Not as embarrassing as Charlie Coles, but embarrassing nonetheless.
2:51 - I can't believe that I've made it this far without asking if TH2 hates fags as much as his daddy?  By the way, Michigan just shot their first free throws.  It only took them 37 minutes to get there.
2:53 - If I was still in college and the big head cutouts were in style, I would TOTES bring a Doink The Clown head.  That would be tremendous.
2:55 - Less than a minute left and anOSU is up 13.  Oh well, at least it was close even if the play was shitty.  William Buford puts a Rob Schneider upside down exclamation point on this game with a fluke turnaround jumper.  Final 64-49 Ohio State.

Final thoughts: Lenzelle Smith, Jr. was the MVP of the game.  Michigan's style of play is brutal.  Both teams need to play MUCH better than that if they want to play in a Final Four this spring.  I can't put my finger on the reason why I believe this, but the Buckeyes just don't look right to me.  And finally, I am so ready to live blog the shit out of the Super Bowl next Sunday.  BRING IT!  I hope you enjoyed this.  I'm picking up my DFL Trophy tonight...seems like a good sentence to end this live journal on.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Here's Someone That We Can All Hate

You take that goddamn shirt off right now, fucker.
The first time that I heard Terrelle Pryor speak, I knew that I was going to hate him forever. When I read about Bryce Brown, I felt the same way. Just one look at an 18 year old Jimmy Clausen damn near sent me on a homicidal spree. Sometimes you just know right away that you are going to loathe someone whether they’ve done anything wrong or not. And today I would like to announce that even though he is still in high school, I already despise Notre Dame commit (at least for now), QB Gunner Kiel from Columbus, IN (Oh God, I’m talking about recruiting…NOOOOOOOO!!!).

I’ll give some back story to winners like Prime and Grumpy and Seal who don’t live and die by college football recruiting. Kiel initially committed (around a year or so ago, I think) to Indiana. It probably had a lot to do with new coach Kevin Wilson being an offensive guru and a little to do with being close to home. Either way, I found it sort of noble that one of the nation’s ELITE quarterback prospects would try to rebuild such a terrible program. He seemed determined to be a local hero. Not only would he be BMOC in Bloomington, but had Kiel been half as good as recruiting services think, he would have been skull-fucking a new sexy coed every night for the rest of eternity. And in today’s day and age, it doesn’t matter where you play because you will be televised and pro scouts will see you.

But alas, Indiana blows. Gunner (not Nelson) realized that he didn’t want to waste four years on a bad Hoosier team, so he de-committed from them and pledged allegiance to Les Miles. Why he felt that he needed to verbally commit at all, I do not know. I really hate the whole verbal commit thing anyway (since stupid kids change their minds all the time) but that is beside the point. Either way, he made a lot of enemies at IU by shitting on them and decided to head to the Bayou. Oh, he was a “verbal Tiger” for about 30 seconds before de-committing (again). This time it was because mommy and daddy didn’t want their little Gunner to be so far away. WHAT A FAGGOT FAMILY!

A few days later (my timeline might not be 100% correct on this, but its close enough), Gunner Kiel announces that he will attend Notre Dame in the Fall (just like Sean Astin and Mateus!). Les Miles, not wanting any pussies in his program, didn’t even bother coming up to Indiana to convince him to come South. He just let him go (and rightfully so). Mark Schlabach was on ESPN the night of this decision and pretty much crushed the Kiel family. The reporter said that the Kiels pretty much went through the depth charts of all the big problems that had made offers, identified the programs without much competition under center, and made their choice based on that. Basically, Gunner Kiel went through three schools in six months and settled on the one that would be the easiest. Yes, he is going to South Bend because he doesn’t want to have to compete. Kiel wants the starting job handed to him.

FUCK. THIS. KID. And definitely fuck his mom and dad in the gash. This is just one of the many reasons that I hate recruiting and National Signing Day so much. 18 year old kids are shit weasels and no one should give a prolapsed uterus about what they say or do. Gunner Kiel is a perfect example of this. He made a mockery of the entire (flawed) system and left two programs twisting in the wind because he and his family are morons.

I look forward to the first time when Brian Kelly goes all “angry, red-faced troll” on him on national TV for the entire world to see. I can’t wait to see how this mama’s boy reacts to that. Anyone want to bet that Ma and Pa parent the same way that Craig James does? In a way though, Kiel and the Irish are a perfect fit for each other. Douchebags deserve to be surrounded by other douchebags at a place designed by and built for douchebags. It truly is a match made in Hell.

In conclusion, fuck Gunner Kiel and fuck Notre Dame. That is all. And I probably just opened the comments up to a whole shitstorm of recruiting mumbo-jumbo. In that case, fuck me, too.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

LeBron James Wants To Come Home...Wait, WHAT!

Stop mocking Mike Utley, you sonofabitch!
On Tuesday night, chapter of 5 of LeBron vs. Cleveland took place down in Souf Beach. The Cavs played hard (but not smart), LeBron was terrible, and somehow Chris Bosh single-handedly beat the talented, but not good, Cavaliers. I don’t ever like to see my boys lose to that fucktard egomaniac, but I’ve gotten used to #6 continually shoveling shit on his hometown. I'm sorry--he isn't FROM Cleveland.  He's from Akron which is waaaaaay different even though it isn't at all.  Clear?  Thought so. 

We’ve been over this ad nauseum here but The Decision and the fallout from that was something totally different and never before seen in the sports world and is likely to never be replicated again. Or are we approaching “The Reversal”? Are you ready for the apocalypse?  I hope you're sitting down for this.

Per Fox Ohio’s Sam Amico (from 1/24):
Now, there is talk that James is less-than-thrilled with certain aspects of the Heat organization. Sources in Miami (which is TOTES Brian “Fatty Windmill” Windhorst) say that while James still thoroughly enjoys playing alongside fellow stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, he doesn’t particularly care for the heavy-handed and disciplined style of team president Pat Riley.

James can opt out of his contract at the end of the 2013-14 season, and speculation is he will strongly consider it if Riley remains in his current role. And the team James would be eyeballing most in free agency, say those close to the situation, would be the Cavs.

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK? You can’t write things like this when my psyche is still fragile! I have not recovered fully from The Decision yet despite my gruff and sexy demeanor!  How am I supposed to deal with this news!

But back to LeBron, can this guy ever commit to anything long term? Even if this never happens, I’m willing to bet that he’s at least considering it. Otherwise, why would anyone be talking about it all. Now, this is a LONG way from being a reality and probably won’t happen anyway, but let’s just imagine that on July 1, 2014, LeBron James decides that he’s had enough of playing with his “super friends”.

1. Leaving Miami would be an admission of failure or wrong-doing and LeBron doesn’t do shit like that.  Let me be clear, LeBron James has never ever been wrong about anything according to LeBron James.
2. Without knowing cap situations, I would imagine that the Lakers (Kobe should be gone by then) or the Knicks would be way more attractive.
3. There is no fucking way that LeBron and Dan Gilbert can work with each other again. NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Let’s put all of that aside though, what if he truly wants to come back home? What happens then? Would the fans welcome him back? I mean, these people got taint-punched on national TV and the entire world saw it. That wound hasn’t healed yet and it may never. Would he apologize? I doubt that which gives me no reason to forgive him.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last 12 hours; trying to gauge what my reaction would be if that backstabbing sumbitch donned the wine and gold again (one more time, we are way too far away from this being a possibility but the internet was built for shit like this). I am well aware (Iceman) that I helped create the global icon monster and maybe I deserved to be raped by a thousand humble pies. But what do you do when that monster comes back with his hat in hand? Goddamn this hypothetical situation fucking sucks! I honestly have no idea how I would respond since I never considered it to even be a remote possibility. I just assumed that I would spend the rest of my days rooting for him to break his legs.

After much thought (and obvz this could change if this scenario appears to be a potential reality), I say “fuck him”. No. The door is not going to be left open for your return. You moved on and so did we. The Cavs franchise isn’t some skank that you call up at 4 AM after striking out at Aztec. It’s about principle.  I like to think that my fellow Cavalier fans would agree with this sentiment.  If he wants to walk away from the Basketball Philadelphia Eagles, he can set his sights somewhere the fuck else.

But seriously, can you imagine if he opts out in 2+ years? That would be some wild-ass shit.  He would be hated by EVERYONE. I look forward to it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Why was I not made aware of this ELITE tournament?
The title is an actual text message received from commenter Drew at 3:08 pm yesterday.

Well, I was all set to unleash a mild-mannered open forum-style post today until news broke yesterday that the hated Tigers swooped in and signed Prince Fielder to a GIGANTIC deal that should be sending tremors (with or without Fred Ward) through the baseball world. Obviously, all of us smart people have the initial reaction of “God dammit, those white trash hayseeds cobbled enough food stamps and welfare checks together and signed a vegan lardo that will probably make them ELITE.” Yeah, unfortunately, your gut instinct is probably right.

Just as an unbiased baseball observer, this is TOTES a great move for the Tigers. It provides Johnny Walker Brown with some much needed protection in the order. It signals the likely end for Fagglio. It makes an already strong lineup even better. And if the other contenders for Li’l Cecil’s services wanted him, they shouldn’t have dicked around for so long. That last point reminds me of how the Yankees ended up with MarKKKKKKK Teixiera a few years ago. There are a few things that make me scratch my head though:

1. Are Fielder and Cabrera just going to rotate between 1B and DH? I’m sort of surprised that Prince would agree to be a half DH actually but, then again, he doesn’t look like a guy that enjoys physical exertion.
2. Where are the Tigers getting this money from? It could be a pretty weird dynamic in that clubhouse with 5 or 6 guys hauling in 90% of the payroll.
3. I am reminded of Cowherd’s opinion on why the Cards should let Pujols go. Where are they getting the extra revenue? Sure, the Comerica attendance is solid, but most of the financial heavy hitters get their bank from their network deals. I don’t get the feeling that FSD and Rod Allen are going to be forking over nine figures to broadcast Tigers games. “Mike Illitch is a coke and nuclear arms dealer” is what I’m trying to say.
4. It looks good now, but be careful. Remember, everyone thought that the Red Sox were a shoe-in after signing Crawford and trading for Gonzo. And you know how Halladay and Cliff Lee were supposed to go on an 8 peat? Sometimes your well-laid plans get stuck up your well-laid ass.
5. I guess this means that Victor Martinez will go back to catching then (when healthy)??? He seems to be shit out of luck with this signing.
7. Doesn't son hate father?  I thought that I read that somewhere.  It sort of surprises me that he would go to the place where his dad made his name but money talks I guess.

I really hate it when teams that I loathe go out and make (at least on the surface) tremendous moves. I guess that we’ll just all have to take solace knowing that in 4 years, the two guys splitting time between DH and first base will look like those fat twins on the motorcycles. You know, these guys:
Think of it this way, the 2016 Tigers are going to be hilarious.
I hate the Tigers and I hate it even more that they are going for it.  But just know that if we can keep them ringless over the next 3-4 years, they are going to be fucking abysmal after that.  Their team plane is going to need to stop at all weigh stations.

And let me give you Tigers fans a bit of advice:  You are done with the Indians.  They mean nothing anymore.  You are officially in the big boy club (with NYY, BOS, LAA, and TEX).  Stop dwelling on the shitheads.  It's all about titles now.  Anything less is a failure and a waste of a season.

Oh, and my original post idea for today had to do with the retirement of Jorge Posada and how I hated him as a player. He was a lazy turd behind the plate and had no idea how to call a game. So the idea was to reminisce about players on your favorite teams that you hated (like how every Browns fan hated Braylon Edwards). If you want to contribute to that then have at it, hoss. Or you can talk about how much you hate the Tigers. Either one will suffice.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Don't Be So Obtuse!

                          "What?  What the fuck did you just say about Eli?"

ELITE Shawshank reference right there^.  Jesus Christ.  Have we all gone fucking mad?  Normally, I would just ignore all the insane babble I've heard over the past two weeks but I've reached the point now where I just can't any longer.  G$ slipped this little nugget in yesterday and I'm stunned at how little response it received.  People just sat back with blank stares and sort of nodded in agreement.  So guess what, fuckers?  We get to talk about it today.  Here it is: Eli Manning is BETTER than Peyton Manning.  Hold on...

That's better.  So.  Is this what the world has come to?  Drew being the only sensible voice of reason at the Money Shot??  Someone get me a pint of rat poison and a dildo so I can fuck myself stupid while I die slowly.  I'm offended anyone actually thinks this way.  Now, I'll give Mike Greenburg a pass because he gets paid to be a passive aggressive turbo pussy.  I would even give Cowturd a pass since he's the town retard that can often be found playing in piles of goat shit.  But I hold the readers here to a higher standard and you should be ASHAMED of yourselves...minus Drew.  Giraffe Neck sits out one year and we forget just how fucking ELITE he is?!  That's sad.  Peyton Manning will always be the alpha male of the Manning family...no matter how many Super Bowls Snatch Face wins.  You want reasons?  Oh...I gots reasons.

Accuracy - Peyton is a fucking surgeon.  He can literally put it anywhere he wants.  He's completed less than 62% of his passes in only one year...his rookie season which happened to be his worst.  Some of those years probably could have been higher if not for having so many non-black and fake Mexican receivers named Gonzalez with flaccid penises for hands.  In eight seasons Eli has 4 seasons under 60% and 4 over.  Eli's most accurate season?  63%.  Peyton has had 9 seasons better than that.

Defense - First, I will acknowledge that the Giants defense AS A WHOLE this year was a leaky anus despite having a tits pass rush.  2007-08 was a different story as the Giants defense was filthy and ranked 7th in total defense.  Meanwhile, Peyton's supporting defensive cast is always hilarious.  It's insulting, almost, how few shits are given about defense in Indianapolis.  Peyton has always had to play from behind with fewer mistakes and a fuck ton more pressure since the game is always in his hands.  Thanks for nothing shitty defense!

Terrible Losses - Indianapolis always has that division wrapped up by week 12.  Not that he's every been in this position before but Peyton Manning would never allow his team to lose to the Redskins at home when a playoff birth is on the line.  EVER.  He beats the teams he's supposed to while Eli is getting the shit Sex Cannon'ed out of him.

Knowledge - We've all seen it.  Peyton is like a fucking tweaker having a seizure when he's calling plays at the line.  Is it annoying?  Sure.  But I'm sure it's exponentially more annoying being a Giant running back when Eli audibles to a 32 dive into the teeth of a power blitz.  Peyton never does that for two reasons.  First, he recognizes a blitz or coverage that was drawn up on Tuesday.  Second, Peyton knows that if Addai gets hit by more than two defenders at the same time he's sure to lacerate his uterus...again.

Turnovers - I have no statistical proof to back this up, but I would bet just about anything that Eli makes more mistakes than Peyton late in games.  Eli throws more picks so chances are he throws more late game picks.  Makes sense, right?  Plus, I've seen Eli's "Who just egg farted in the car" face more than Peyton's "Dead fetus" face on SportsCenter after dumb shit throws.

Don't get me wrong.  Eli has definitely come into his own and has clawed out of the QB group that houses the Matt Ryan's and Matt Schaub's of the world.  But when I think about Peyton vs. Eli, it's pretty simple for me actually.  Peyton has had more playoff appearances, has better stats, throws a better ball, understands the game better, has a longer giraffe neck to survey the field better, doesn't have a hairy vagina, knows what marbles are and makes hilarious commercials.  The only question you really need to ask yourself is...who would you rather have quarterbacking a game winning drive?  Who do you trust to make the audibles, manage the clock and make the throws that are going to win you the game?  Peyton over Eli every fucking time.  Unfortunately I won't be around today to defend myself against all the mule's that think Eli is better.  I'll be in Michigan all day doing big boy work stuff so enjoy your day off from Iceman, dick lickers.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Worst of The Conference Championships Vol.V

Dad, if it's OK, I want to host a tweet-up at your funeral.
Joe Paterno has died.  I assume that most of you are expecting some sort of crass response from me today.  I don't think that that is going to happen though.  The guy died.  He lived a full life while accomplishing so much.  He had a fairly titanic fuck-up that will effect his legacy forever, but in the end, he definitely did more good in his lifetime than he did bad.  I predicted that he wouldn't make it a year after getting fired.  He only made it 73 days.  Sure, they say that it was from complications with chemo, but legendary medical practitioners like Beano Cook, Brent Musberger, and Dr. Lou Holtz have all claimed that a broken heart did him in.  When I asked Darth Vader about JoePa dying from a broken heart, he said, "NOOOOOOOO!"  Prime might be the only commenter to laugh at that, but he will laugh and that is all that I need.  So this site's stance for Joe Paterno is simply "Rest in peace, old man".  But I do have a few other thoughts surrounding Paterno's death before we get into the NFL action:

1. Who was the first reporter from ESPN to arrive on the scene?  Tom fucking Rinaldi.  I knew it.  Rinaldi killed Paterno.
2. I laughed every single time that ESPN showed some dumbass family of Penn State fans walking up to the Paterno statue and touching it.  YOU PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!  At what point does it make sense that you drag your little kids down to Beaver Stadium to touch the bronze statue of an old man?
3. Does Jerry Sandusky show up to the funeral?  That would be the greatest thing ever.
4. Finally, what really bothered me was how JoePa was on his deathbed and the family was called in to say their last goodbyes, but there was Jay Paterno firing off tweets.  Look, I hate Twitter and I always will.  But it's a huge problem to me when the son is tweeting health updates of his dad from the hospital.  I like to think that it went down like this:

SuePa - Jay, it's time to say goodbye to your father.  He can't speak, but the doctors think that he can hear you.
JayPa - Hold on a second, mom, I just need to let the fans know how much their support means and that dad is hanging in there.
SuePa - That's sweet of you.  Well, hurry up because--
SuePa - That's great, son, but you need to--
SuePa - Your dad just died.  I hope you're happy.
JayPa - I'll let the world know.  It's what dad would have wanted.

Basically, when you are about to lose a family member, put the goddamn iPhone away.  Fucking asshole.  Jay Paterno can eat shit.

Speaking of family, if you pay money to follow my Facebook feed, you may have noticed that my in-laws AND my mom were all crashing at my house on Saturday night.  I know that Brady wants some great stories about this, but I have none.  This is what I want/ask.  If you are going to infringe on my time, one night is all that you get.  It isn't a weekend thing.  You get in and you get out.  Everyone was gone by 9 am on Sunday so I'm OK with that.  Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, brah.

Lesley Visser - I started the above portion of this post during the CBS pregame show.  Visser is in Frisco talking to Vernon Davis.  She looks like a morgue resident.  Whoever did work to her face should be ashamed of themselves.  If you didn't know, Lesley Visser is married to Dick Stockton.  Can you imagine those two fucking?  Gross.

Commenter Drew - He actually sent me a text on Friday night asking that I videotape myself breaking in my DFL Trophy and posting that video here.  Again, gross.  And Drew is gay for G$.  That feeling will not reciprocated.  Now let's fire that fucking pigskin:

James Brown! - That was a real hard-hitting pregame interview with the E-Trade baby.  Jesus, who gave the OK for that segment to air?

Steven Tyler - His rendition of the national anthem made me want to move to Guatemala.

Joe Flacco haters such as myself - Let's be honest, the guy was pretty damn good yesterday.  I'm not going to say something crazy like he was ELITE, but the Fu Manchu was the best QB on the field.  Yeah, I said it.

Tom Brady - Not a good game from the Dreamboat.  His interceptions were terrible (who throws a deep ball to a triple-covered Matthew Slater?) and he missed some wide open throws.  It didn't help that Wes Welker was sort of a turd, too.

Julian Edelman - Why was he covering Anquan Boldin exactly?  I hate Edelman.  He has no business being on an NFL field.

Ray Lewis - I'm dead serious, #52 does NOTHING.  He plays the exact same way that Reba played defense in high school.  He lets someone else make the tackle and then he jumps on the pile.  Except it's not funny when Ray the Murderer does it.  I hope he retires.  I'm tired of his bullshit antics.

Billy Cundiff - I say this with 100% conviction...I could make a 32 yard field goal 80% of the time.  It's going to be a shame when the duo of Tom Rinaldi and Ray Lewis kidnaps and murders the Cundiff family.  But let's be honest, it should have never came to that.

Lee Evans - Everyone knows that Lee Evans is the worst football player in NFL history and he proved it with his game-losing touchdown drop on 2nd down. That was an embarrassment.  Evans is the worst.  Sure, the kicker could have sent the game to overtime, but The General Lee actually did send the Ravens home.  FACT!  I bet that ELITE Billz fans like Daniel were LOLing like bastards when he dropped that easy touchdown pass.  I wasn't expecting to be entertained by the AFC game but it exceeded my expectations.  That was a great finish to a better than average game.  I'm not sure that the better team won but I don't care because the team that I wanted to lose, lost.  I'll take it.  Fuck the Ravens.

Ed Hochuli - What is it going to take to get this guy to shut the fuck up?  He uses 400 words for something that only needs 8 words.  I used to think that he was cute with his big arms and terrible officiating, now I just want him to get his throat ripped out by a bear.  Jerome Booger or GTFO.

Kyle Williams - Nice punt returning, jerk.  You suck about as much at that as your dad does at producing a quality product on the baseball field.  This guy better not have a job next year.  Terrible player.

Pussies - If you are a pussy, the NFC Championship Game was not for you.  That was some great, physical football.  Everyone on that field beat some ass.  I loved it.  It was different from the Ravens/Steelers games where everyone postures and acts like an asshole over any hit.  This was just a no nonsense dick-stomper of a game.  I wish that I could watch those two teams play every week.

Devin Thomas - Made two more plays last night than he did in three years with the Skins.  Fucking asshole.

Peyton Manning - I'm going to say it now, Eli is better.  Yeah, and I mean it.  I'll tell you why and it has nothing to do with fantasy football or stats or all that other stuff: I've never watched the Colts in the postseason and thought that they were going to win.  I do think that about ELITE's Giants.  I take no joy in this admission because I hate the NYGs.  I just feel like it needs to be said while I wait for the Redskins to stupidly trade for the worse Manning in the next month or so.

So we're getting a rematch in the Super Bowl.  Pats/Giants after two pretty great games yesterday.  I can live with that.  If you asked me to make my Super Bowl pick today, I see no reason to bet against Eluck and that Giants front four.  Kyle Williams, Billy Cundiff, or Lee Evans...who is more likely to commit suicide?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Rob Lowe, JT, Soulja Roy, and Picks Before The Weekend

I think it's really funny that Rob Lowe is breaking huge news on his Twitter page.  He claims that he has a "darn good" source stating that Peyton Manning is done with football and that's good enough for me.  Granted, his source is either Andy Dwyer wearing a Reggie Wayne jersey or Detlef Schrempf, but whatever.  I'm not here to judge.  If Lowe wants to break big ass NFL stories, then that's cool.  Let's be honest, I'm sure that Pralines and Dick is closer to Peyton's inner circle than some dork like Mort or John Clayton is.  Basically what I'm trying to say here is that you should expect Ron Swanson to unveil some earth-shattering news about Stihl Timbersports any day now.

I guess that the Colts are interested in naming Jim Tressel as their next coach as well.  Whoa!  That would be some fun stuff.  That would be some promotion from "worthless guy in a box" to head coach though.  Tress might be back!  WEEEEEE!!!

I can't believe that I forgot to mention this earlier this week but in the waning seconds of Florida State's buggering of North Carolina last weekend, Roy Williams pulled his Heels off the floor for "safety" purposes.  Colonel Sanders was a fraidy cat about fans storming the floor.  WHAT A BITCH!  Soulja Roy has been around long enough to know that you take your losses like a fucking man and that means dealing with the students in opposing gyms.  You don't yank your guys off the floor just because you let some asshole name Dulkys knock down a million threes.  Pussy shit.  Not even a faggot like Coach K would pull that crap.  North Carolina and Lange are shitbirds.

Now, time for my predictions of the Conference Championship games.  I had a fairly productive last week going 5-3.  Prime owned all of us with a 7-1 weekend.  mdrgolf made his triumphant return with a solid 5-3 slate.  And bringing up the rear were Dut, Brady, and Jeff who all went 1-7.  Clearly, they know nothing about football.  Wait a minute--Browns fan, Browns fan, Steelers fan...yep, they know nothing about football.  Onto the picks with the standings to follow:

The Wire @ Cheers -7.5 O/U 50.5
I find it absolutely hilarious yet somewhat commendable that Ed Reed openly calls Joe Flacco a shit salad yet #5 gives no fucks.  That's sort of cool actually.  EVERYONE is on Flacco for being Trent Dilfer's bastard son but he still keeps his ELITE swagger that he has no business having.  I would compare it to Eddie House who is a God awful basketball player but will shoot 35 footers and not even think twice about it.  Great analogy, G$!  Flacco is Eddie House!  The Patriots appear to be on a mission again.  I think that they sense that the Giants are waiting in the wings and they want their revenge.  So I expect them to take care of bid-ness on Sunday afternoon.  Basically, I don't want to see two straight weeks of Ray Lewis interviews.  He sucks.  And GRONK, N-WORD is going to spike a ball through his stabby chest.  Patriots 31-17 UNDER

Gotham City @ Lisp City -2.5 O/U 42.5
Apparently, ELITE Manning has been leaking doo-doo butter the past few days and this is a story that the media wants to blow out of proportion.  They don't realize that the luckiest QB of all time just has to close his eyes and wing it and someone on his team will catch it and score.  I am rooting for the Niners big time because I don't like the Giants and I do like Harbaugh.  It's pretty simple.  But do I believe that they can beat a team as hot as NYG?  The Giants aren't going to put a loser like Malcolm Jenkins on Vernon Davis all game.  They will stuff the run.  Michael Crabtree is going to have to actually catch a football.  Basically, that's what I think it comes down to.  If Crabtree can be a stud, the Niners and NFL MVP David Akers will win.  Unfortunately, Crabtree sort of blows.  And San Fran won their Super Bowl last week.  They can't do it two weeks in a row.  Should be a good game, but get ready to watch ELITE Manning celebrate like a ferry.  New York 24-23 OVER

Standings after two weeks:
10-6: Prime, Li'l Strut
7-9: Ide, Drew, Damman
6-10: Jeff, Dut, Iceman
5-11: Seal, Andrew, mdrgolf
3-13: Brady...the biggest moron ever

Honestly, you have to be a real idiot to not pick a New England/NYG Super Bowl (which probably means that we're going to get a terrible Harbaugh Bowl rematch).  You know that it's going to happen.  So enjoy the football this weekend and we'll be back on Monday to laugh at the players that cost their teams a Super Bowl title shot (Joe Flacco).

Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Dinner With Rinaldi

Tom Rinaldi has been a reporter for ESPN since who the fuck knows when.  He always seems to show up wherever bad shit is going down.  Seriously, he is EVERYWHERE.  And yet he managed to find a few minutes to sit down with yours truly for the first ACEterview in a long time.  Enjoy it now because shit's about to get weird...

G$: Thanks for agreeing to do this, Tom.  You are easily the third best fake interview that The Money Shot has ever done.
TR: Indeed, you should be honored.  Like I once told Tiger Woods, "nothing beats eating out at a Perkins".
G$: Hmmmm, interesting and bizarre analogy.  Anyway, how did you get started as a broadcast journalist?

TR: It's actually a warm and wonderful story that has entertained many at country club soirees that I so often attend.  I was a small-timer, fresh out of college, trying to find my way in this tough business of reporting.  I was the beat reporter for the Colts at the time for Central Indiana Queertarly.  I was just meandering around Indianapolis one afternoon trolling for ass and it dawned on me.  Now, this was the year that the Colts got to 14-0, remember?
G$: I do.  Dungy totally fucked that up.
TR: Did he?  Like I said, I was trolling for ass when I stumbled upon this lovely mulatto boy, couldn't have been more than 16-17 years old.  Boy, did we rearrange each other's large intestines that night!  Heck, for the next three months we were both pretty much living inside each other!  The passion was too intense.  I often found myself so spent that I couldn't move.  I gained sustenance by drinking his post-coital sweat.  Eventually, I found out about his family and who his parents were...
G$: Wait a minute--you were fucking James Dungy?!?!
TR: Yes.  And that is how I got my big break.  I knew that he was falling in love with the taste of my chest hair but I also understood that if I could have a hand in derailing a potential perfect season and be the first on the scene, I would have made it.  So I cut off all communique with the young, caramel scamp, broke his heart, and--boom--two weeks later he's swinging from a ceiling fan.  And guess who was hired by ESPN shortly after covering the shit out of the gay suicide and ruined season?  THIS GUY!

G$: Holy shit.  That is awful.  How can you live with--
TR: But that wasn't my first dalliance with underage boy butt.  You know how everyone thinks it's funny that Jerry Sandusky keeps claiming his innocence and that he never did anything with those boys?  He's right.  Trust me, he's 100% innocent.  That was all me.
G$: Wait a minute, Tom, this is starting to get very absurd very quickly.  You're telling me that YOU, not Sandusky, banged all of those little black boys all those years ago?
TR: Precisely.  I initially thought that THIS story would make me famous but for some strange reason, those poor little shits kept their mouths shut for the longest time.  I had no real reason to ruin the Penn State program but I was bored so I did it.  I spent six months crafting the perfect Sandusky disguise.  I mean, it was flawless...even down to the wrinkly scrotum!  And then I would lure loser kids to the showers and play "hide the salami".  Boy, did they hate that game!
G$: I am speechless.
TR: Oh, you should have been there when I let McQueery catch me in the act!  His eyes were as big as the moon yet you could see there was some intrigue in what he was watching.  Like he almost wanted to join.  But as soon as Mike and I locked eyes, I made some homemade vanilla yogurt for the kid and Big Red left.  I mean, this went on for a long time.  I couldn't believe the secrecy around that program.  Eventually, I got tired of fucking kids so I left.  I figured that Jerry could handle any potential fallout and I would come swooping in with my camera crew to ruin even more lives at a later date.  It was the perfect crime.  Like I said, I didn't think that it would take so long to become public, but whatever, at least I got my rocks off.

G$: That is some fucked up shit.  How do you sleep at night?
TR: Most recently, I was trying to spice up the Packers run at a repeat Super Bowl after their loss to Kansas City.  With no undefeated season to strive for, they had to have some sort of motivator and so did we the media.  So I figured that I'd give that Philbin kid the same handbook that I gave to ol' Jimmy Dungy.  He wasn't buying though.  It's much harder to trick white kids into bed, you see.  I started getting impatient with him since he wouldn't let me suck his crank so one night I just decided to drown him in some bumfuck river and set him adrift.  Whatever.  He might still be alive if he just agreed to ride the Rinaldi Express.  It's not my fault that the Packers lost last week.  I gave them something to play for.
G$: You are the worst person that I've ever met and that includes Michael Lawrence Parrish.  I still don't understand why you did any of this?  Once you got hired by ESPN, what more is there?  Good Morning America?  The Evening News?  What were you hoping to accomplish by being the face in front of the camera at all of these tragedies?

TR: Ha, what is my last name?
G$: Rinaldi.  So what?
TR: Rinaldi indeed.  I may look like a mild-mannered pretty boy, but underneath this ravishing comb-over haircut is a JUICED-UP GORILLA just waiting to come out and SMUSH!
G$: Wait, what?  You did all of this in hopes that one day you would be on Jersey Shore?
G$: No, no, no...this is not right.  This can't be true.
TR: Why not?  Vinny's gone.  They need a replacement to pump fists (Rinaldi does some sort of wounded version of The Chicken Dance instead)!  I would be perfect for that!  I feel like my entire career has been leading to this moment, when I can move into the Shore House in Seaside, baby!  WHO WANTS SOME TOM-TOM JUICE?

G$: Why the fuck are you telling me all of this anyway?  You know that I'm going straight to the police, don't you?  I'm gonna narc you out!  You are a pedophile, a rapist, a fraud, apparently a reality TV whore wannabe, AND a serial killer!
(Tom hands me a meatball sandwich and $100 which I accept)
G$: Thanks?
TR: No problem.  By accepting that food and money, you just agreed to be my lawyer!  Attorney-Client Privilege, bitch!  You're in Rinaldi's pocket now!  You want to go down to the Boardwalk and ride the ferris wheel?
G$: You diabolical bastard.  Damn you, Rinaldi.  Damn you straight to Hell.  I'm leaving.  This is too dark...even for me.  This was the worst fake interview of my life.
TR: From The Money Shot, I'm Tom Rinaldi, ESPN.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Do You Like Pineda Colonics?

Stop calling me Armando Benitez!
Oh, don't you worry.  I did not forget about this.  So someone finally showed up at the Yankee offices this winter and made some moved this past weekend.  It's about time.  I thought that Brian Cashman was dead.  He's not, though, he just still looks like a raccoon corpse.  Now I'm not your average mouthbreathing Yankees fan.  You know this by now.  Most people think that we should sign everybody; payroll be damned.  Not me.  I like it when we cultivate and develop our own.  Which is why I had such a boner for Jesus Montero.  And now he's gone.

Let there be no doubt, Montero is a fucking stud hitter and he will be raking at the cleanup spot for Eric Wedge's mustache over the next decade plus.  He can flat out stick it.  I don't think that I've ever been so invested and pumped for a Yankee position player since, shit, Shane Spencer maybe.

But there was always going to be a problem with Da Jesus.  No one in the organization thought that he could catch every day and that isn't a big deal if you don't have a bunch of old sloths on the payroll that are going to need to DH more and more over the next few years.  A-Rod and Jeter and Teix and Swish are all going to need to use the DH slot for this and coming years.  So it became a numbers game and the writing was on the wall for Montero once it became obvious that the Yankees were dangling him in every trade scenario.  He had to go but not for some turd like Greinke or Gio Gonzalez.  And boy did the Yanks do well.

Fuck.  Yes.  How often do 23 year old All-Star pitchers whose average fastball clocks in 95 mph become available?  Uh, never.  Michael Pineda comes to the Bronx to form what I hope will be the best 1-2 in the AL for the next 5 years.  He sure as shit has the potential to be an ace, that is for sure.  The Yankees also signed the underrated Jap Greg Maddux, Something Kuroda, as well.  So what was once a weakness has all of a sudden turned into a pretty incredible STREMPH.  And it happened just like that.  Amazing.  You win in October with power pitching.  It's always been that way.  It's damn hard to finesse and locate your way to a title.  Needless to say, I am a fan of this trade.

Don't forget that the Yankees have two stud pitching prospects who are a year away from dominating and they didn't even have to part with them for Pineda.  That is amazing.  Did you see what the Reds gave up for Latos and Sean Marshall?  Or how the Nats dumped 4 of their top ten prospects for a guy named Gio?  Or even how the Indians unloaded their entire farm system for a mediocre "ace"?  Yeah, the best franchise in sports history just acquired a better pitcher with a higher ceiling for a stud hitter that they had no place for.  Outstanding work.

CC-Pineda-Kuroda-Nova-Hughes/Garcia/Burnett...that might be the best part actually.  AJ Burnett could be on his way to the scrap heap.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the Yankees are going to win the next ten World Series.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

Other shit because we haven't talked baseball in awhile:
-Victor Martinez is out for the season with a torn ACL.  LOLZ!  FUCK THE TIGERS!  I hope they get into a plane that crashes into Drew's house!
-Joel Zumaya signs with the Twins.  Double LOLZ!  Time for Dut to get a new jersey!
-Mark Shapiro is still hibernating, I guess.
-Looks the Reds are all-in this year before they lose Brandon Phillips and Joey Votto soon.  Good for them.  Go for it when you have the chance.  They aren't going to win a title or a pennant or anything, but whatever.
-Is Prince Fielder ever going to sign?  Does anyone even want him?  Just go to Seattle already and hit in front of Da Jesus for the next ten years.

In conclusion, I know that you all missed the lovable Yankee arrogance.  Drink it in.  We're just better.  Maybe not all of us, but definitely me.  I am way better than you as a fan.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Who Doesn't Love Some NBA?


Let us all shed a tear and dump a 40 out (if you're Grumpy, it's probably Vernor's or Metamucil) as the college football season officially comes to a close.  Since Tuesday's are going to be wide open now, today I'll discuss a subject that has been ignored more than Dut's grundle in the shower.  THE NBA!!  By the way Dut...your prize is coming.  I'm just really fuckin lazy (translation: I have to wait for my pubes to grow back).

Since I made the big move to Toledo, I've had the pleasure of being able to watch the Pistons get fucking dismantled every home game.  It's as soul crushing as ever.  Before I was forced to watch the Cavs on FSN...with the mute button on of course.  Only Cleveland fans can stand the mush mouth, gargled stammering of everyone's favorite dipshit.  Austin Carr.  Supporting Austin Carr means you support Notre Dame.  And that means your thirst for raping young boys is unquenchable and undeniable.  Let's get talking about everyone's favorite crime syndicate...the NBA.

Eastern Conference:

-Detroit may be the worst team in basketball.  Dumars is going to fiddle around with his own feces like a rabid ape and let Greg Monroe waltz right out of town.  Who wants to play on a terrible team that starts Ben "Better Get in Rebounding Position" Gordon?  After Monroe, Detroit's best player is a white dude who probably can't speak English and has a Faux-Hawk.  Austin Daye looks like Tayshaun Prince with stage 4 cancer-AIDS.

-G$ doesn't realize that all the things he rips Indians/Brown fans for can be applied to Cavs fans as well.  Maybe he does, but chooses to ignore it.  I've been getting shit sky hooks from numerous Cavs fans telling me how wrong I was about this team and Kyrie Irving.  Maybe Cavs fans haven't noticed that even though they're 6-6, they don't have a single win against a team with a winning record.  And Kyrie Irving is still the black Bobby Hurley.

-I can't wait for Colon Cowturd's first "Derrick Rose isn't a true MVP" rant.  He reminds me of a guy I went to college with who liked to make outrageous claims just so he could talk shit on the one and a million shot that it actually panned out.  Tell me again how Kevin Durant isn't ELITE, Cowfucker.  Just another example of how west coast men love wiener.

-Nice Super Team, New York.  It's the tard version of the Miami Heat...only with less likeable guys.  If that's possible.  Landing Tyson Chandler instead of Chris Paul is probably the worst move I've seen in the last 10 years.  And I was around when Dumars drafted Darko Milicic with the #2 overall.  Carmelo Anthony still punches like a 12 year old cheerleader.

-Fuck you Boston.  A second helping of fuck you to Paul Pierce...because you know jelly tits will take seconds of ANYTHING.  JUST RETIRE!!!!

-Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing.  They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round.  That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.

-Even after acting like a 14 year old high school girl all off season, Dwight Howard and the Magic remain in first place.  I never understood why Howard wants/wanted out of Orlando so badly.  Maybe because J.J. Redick can't stop checking out his rhino dong in the shower?  That would do it for me.

Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.

Who comes out:  The Heat.  Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart.  Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.

Western Conference:

-I can't believe the Spurs continue to win.  It feels like that team was assembled in the 70's.  It's a true testament to a team's douch-ness when someone can sit back and legitimately hate every last player on that team while feeling zero remorse.

-Nobody puts Kobe in the corner.  Dude is still a killer even though he's getting old.  Unfortunately these back to back to backs are really putting a strain on Kobe's rape life.  What I'm most excited for is Andrew Bynum's yearly meltdown.  It's gonna be hard to top "Clothes lining a 5'4" point guard then getting half naked while storming off the court".

-Wait for it.  Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over.  Westbrook thinks he's as big of a star as Durant when in reality Westbrook is more of a Scottie Pippen type.  Point guards aren't supposed to take the last shot to win the game.  Kevin Durant's are.  One more thing...I would love an opportunity to hit Kendrick Perkins in the face with a crowbar.

-Kevin Love is the shit.  He makes me want to sing this at the top of my lungs.  Represent white guys nation wide, son!  It also looks like that whole Ricky Rubio thing is working out.  Rubio will get carded for alcohol until he's 50.  I'd lay money on that.

-Time to rebuild Phoenix.  Your run with Steve Nash is officially over.  Nash and John Stockton can now get together and talk about how neither of them won a title.  They can also discuss white guy things like: assists, their most favorite assist of all time, bounce passes, layups, back door cuts, Walt Behrman, the assist that got away, etc.

-I would like to think that Demarcus Cousins tries to get Jimmer Fradette to smoke weed daily or slips pills into his Vitamin Water.  I also envision Jimmer crying himself to sleep every night.  He went from a team of pretty much all white guys to a team of THE ONLY white guy.  Remember when I said J.J. Hickson was a fucking terrible basketball player?  He's actually worse than I originally thought.

Bold Prediction:  The Timberwolves make the playoffs

Who comes out:  Oklahoma City

NBA Champs:  Miami Heat.  Partly because I really think they can do it.  But mostly because I want Lebron to cram it up Cleveland's ass one more time.  That's about all I have.  Can't wait to read all the whiny comments about how much the NBA sucks.  Looks on the bright side...it could be baseball season.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Worst Of Divisional Weekend Vol.V

This weekend, Oregon Jr. QB Darron Thomas announced that he was leaving Eugene early for the NFL.  When I first heard of this, I scratched my head a lot.  Why?  He is a stick figure and has no chance in Hell of ever being a starter in the league?  Remember Dennis Dixon?  He was way better in college than Thomas and he barely dresses for games now.  Then Joe Schad reported that Thomas is leaving because he doesn't want to have to compete for the starting QB job next year with some other guy.  The fuck?  First of all, why would there be an open competition at all considering what Darron has done the last two years?  Second, he's basically leaving school because he doesn't want to try and demands that everything be handed to him.  OK, so he is walking away from a place that is perfect for him to be a 6th round draft pick with no shot of ever playing?  Does he think that the NFL is less competitive than the Pac-12?  Darron Thomas is a fucking idiot and I GUARANSHEED that this is a horrible decision that backfires bigger than shit.  A career backup quarterback is throwing away his last chance at ever starting.  Dumbass.  Tenor-mania is officially over but the Smiffpocalypse has begun.  Let's get it on:

Drew Brees - His two interceptions were brutal decisions but things are going to happen when you "fire that fucking pigskin" 63 times.  It's sort of amazing that the Saints were still in it while being -4 on turnovers.  This game was goddamn incredible though in spite of the turnovers.  I actually caught myself rooting for the Niners and I never thought that I would root against the Breesus.  Actually, let's talk about each of the final four touchdowns in that amazing 4th quarter:

TD pass to Sproles - If there was a separate MVP award that went to non-QBs, it would have to go to Sproles (or Akers), right?  Tiny Darren seemingly runs a 2.5 40.  By the way, AJ Smith and Norval Turner let him walk from the Chargers this past Summer.  They remain employed.  Make sense?

TD run By Alex Smiff - What a great play-call.  That was such a beautiful play.  Who runs a goddamn QB sweep on third and long!  I'm kind of happy that Ol' Small Hands is coming into his own this season.  Good for him.

TD Pass to Graham - It wasn't a very good decision by the Breesus but the awesomeness of JIMMAY bailed him out.  I hope you all saw the slo-mo replay of Graham scoring and slam-dunking the ball over the crossbar because, in the background, Tony Siragusa has the dumbest look ever on his face.  Totes LOL.  His mouth is wide open and I'm pretty sure that he's drooling.

TD Pass To Vernon Davis - Amazing.  Vernon flat out abused Malcolm Jenkins on the final two drives.  I loved that San Fran played for the win and not overtime.  Smiff's two passes to Davis on this drive where ELITE.  GREAT GAME.

Vernon Haters - I loved that he was so happy that he was crying while coming off the field after the touchdown.  Repeat: I LOVED THAT.  It hasn't been the easiest run in SF for the stud TE and I thought that it was really cool for him to be so emotional.  Suck on that, Mike Singletary's chili-ring!

Jim Cornball - "Who got it better than we do" and giving the team personally monogrammed gas station attendant shirts?  What a dork, that Jim Harbaugh.

Tony Siragusa - He carries a Sharpie around with him but nothing to write on.  Somehow, that makes sense considering how much Goose sucks.

The notion that not every game matters - Those who argue with me that college football is better than the pros tend to use the argument that "not every game matters".  The Saints proved that theory incorrect.  Think about it: had they not lost at either the Bucs or the Rams, I am 100% confident that they are still playing.  The Saints are out because of games that they lost in September and October and thus had to play out of the Dome.  Fact!

The Denver Tenors - If you believe that the Denver season was made to be turned into a movie, then you should have noticed (like I did) that the ending of that movie was last week.  The win over the Steelers was the climax.  It wasn't going to happen again.  Tim Tebow is a great story and all (and an even better person) but he wasn't about to walk into New England and beat Bill Belichick's game plan.  They were sent to NE to get slaughtered because they already won their Super Bowl.  Period.  14 negative yardage plays though?  Terrible.  At least they kicked a field goal while down 35 points in the third quarter!

John Elway - I do not envy his job this offseason.  Look, Tenor is their QB which means that the organization has to build and draft accordingly.  That means taking a ton of strange hybrid players like Percy Harvin-types and athletic tight ends that they don't have.  Also, the aforementioned Darron Thomas would be a nice risk for them since he can only run the read-option offense, too.  It's a weird situation to be in that the Tenors are going to be building their team in a completely different manner than the rest of the league.  And they have to because if they bail on TEAM TENOR, their fans will revolt.

Aaron Hernandez - Running back?  What sort of drugs do you have to be on to say, "let's give our tight end 5 carries this week"?

Tom Brady being a troll - Come on, dude, you don't punt on 3rd down.  That's just embarrassing an opponent that you've already embarrassed.  Why not just run it up the middle one more time and then punt?  By the way, I barely watched any of the second half of this game in lieu of Restaurant Impossible which had back-to-back shows with terrible eateries in northeast Ohio.  Quality programming!

Von Miller - Dude, I would have been pissed about that punt, too, but if you are going to try and blindside somebody, you better kill him.  Don't pull up at the last second.  DESTROY!

Phil Simms - The absolute worst announcer on the planet.  Whether it be him not knowing what constitutes a catch or that even though Deion Branch pushed off on his touchdown catch that that was not PI, Simms is a hillbilly fucktard.  If I ever decide to kill myself (cross your fingers), I would leave a tape of Simms' game on Saturday night as my suicide note.

Jacoby Jones - Anyone else believe that if this dumbass doesn't muff the punt in the first quarter that the Texans win?  Also, it's hard to point fingers at TJ Yates since he shouldn't be in that position anyway, but Houston wins if Schaub is playing.

Joe Flacco - You're right, Joe, you won't get any credit for that win.  Complete 55% of your passes first, douche.  And for God's sake, get rid of that fu manchu.

Ray Lewis - This game was boring as shit except for the fact that Ray Lewis was so terrible.  He had to have AT LEAST 15 missed tackles on Foster alone.  No one will grill him for being shit because he is a murderer but I give no fucks.  Ray Lewis was awful yesterday and I can't wait to watch him try to cover Hernandez and GRONK on Sunday.

The Iceman - One more time, he said before the season that Arian Foster was overrated.  Idiot.  And that's about all that I want to say about this game...noble effort by Houston and their awesome defense though.

Bill Leavy - Uh, ok, I'd love to hear the rationale behind Greg Jennings CLEAR fumble in the first half and how that ended up not being one.  Then GB scores on the drive.  The Giants absolutely murder the Pack without that terrible officiating/Tim Donaghy call.

ELITE Manning - Yet another 15 yard pass that Nicks turns into a 60 yard touchdown AND a hail mary!  Eli is the luckiest quarterback of all time.  OF ALL TIME.  I hate that tard.  STOP WINNING PLAYOFF GAMES SO WE CAN LAUGH AT YOU!  I still can't believe how much they crushed Green Bay by.  Tom Coughlin is such a great coach.

Everyone on the Packers offense but Rodgers and Don Driver - Jesus Christ, can any of these losers catch the ball?  EIGHT drops? 

Jermichael Finley - Completely worthless.  He should be one of the best tight ends in the league and he continues to blow.

The Green Bay secondary - How many 3rd and longs can a team give up?  For as bad as the receivers for the Packers were, not being able to get off the field killed Green Bay's hopes and dreams.  It's about time that Charles Woodson took a permanent trip to the glue factory.

Well, I nailed the Giants straight up win but I don't feel good about it.  God dammit, we lost Brees AND Rodgers AND Tenor this weekend!  TERRIBLE WEEKEND!  Alex Smith vs. Elite?  Brady vs. Penisface Flacco?  Oh God, this is not good.  This is not good at all.  It is highly probable that we have three turd games left.  Shit.

Friday, January 13, 2012

"Joe Flacco is ELITE!"--Nobody

“I’m sure if we win, I’ll have nothing to do with why we won according to you guys. It is what it is. We’re going to do our best to try to win it and it doesn’t really matter what the reason is.”—Joseph Flacco, 1/12/2012

Joe Flacco may define the word “average”, but is pretty dead-on with his prediction that he will have nothing to do with the Ravens winning playoff games. What a whiny little bitch. WAAAAAAAAH, NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ONLY THROWN ONE GREAT PASS IN MY CAREER (this year to beat Pittsburgh)! You know, we like to throw the word ELITE around here all the time but it really seems like Flacco is hung up on being considered ELITE, too. The problem with that is that he sucks and Ray Rice is waaaaaaay more important to that offense than he is. Think of it this way: when Rice gets stuffed, the Ravens are fucked. When he goes nuts, they can’t be stopped. Joe Flacco can piss and moan about his “place in this world” (RICHARD MARX REFERENCE, YA HEARD!), but he’s a game manager. Period. When he throws the ball over 30 times, Baltimore is going to lose.

And I don’t know if anyone else caught it, but last week Flacco called in to Mike and Mike himself asking to be interviewed on the air. Seriously, Greenberg was caught way off guard that someone would just randomly call their switchboard and ask for an entire segment. I would assume that big radio shows normally line up guests on their own and that the athletes don’t do their own booking. That is what producers are for (I think).  Not Flacco—he DEMANDS air time at that hot 7:45 AM segment to get his word to the masses!

In conclusion, Joe Flacco fucking sucks and sounds like a big dork and I hope he loses this weekend.

Now let’s start predicting this weekend’s FOOTBAWWWWW! Three of these four games have fucking massive lines attached but you know damn well that someone is getting shocked. Take last weekend for example: you knew that not all of the favorites were going to cover. But both did on Saturday and then the Giants did, too, and your left thinking, “Fuck, I guess that Tenor is going to at least cover, right?” And he came through tenfold. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that if the favorites win the first three games, quickly put a grand on the Giants to win. Let’s get to the breakdown, predictions, and results from last week:

NOLA (-3.5) @ Frisco O/U 47.5
Be careful. The Saints are a tad OVERRATED on the road. I don’t know what to make of this game. The Niners need to get to 27 or 28 to have a chance but their defense is insane so who knows. As I keep saying, one of these days karma is going to come back to haunt Sean Payton. I think that the Saints could be in trouble this week after sniffing their own farts for the past month, but I don’t think that they’ll lose. NFL MVP David Akers keeps it close and, when in doubt, take the points. New Orleans 28-26 OVER

The Denver Tenors @ Team Grit (-13.5) O/U 50.5
The ratings for Tenor’s game last weekend set all sorts of records and I will not be surprised that this primetime special does the same. It will CRUSH the BCS title game because everyone knows that the NFL is way better than college football. TOTES!  FACT! I’ve been saying all year that the Patriots will do what they always do and lose their first playoff game. But, Christ, this isn’t the match-up that I was expecting for them. Let’s be honest (or LESBIONEST if you speak Pauly D), there is no fucking way that the Broncos can win this game, right? I’m rooting for it to happen and all, but I don’t see it. Sorry, Tenor, thanks for the future ribs but it ends tomorrow. New England 38-10 UNDER

Wade Phillips’ Gunt @ Murderers (-8.5) O/U 35.5
I don’t think that it is humanly possible to root for the Ravens in any situation. Even when they play the loathsome Steelers, I can’t muster up the courage to pull for them. Which means that we are all Texans fans this weekend! Yay! Let’s win this one and remind Joe Flacco of his un-elite-ness! I liked what I saw from Houston last week but I don’t think that works on the road in the cold. This is the least sexy game of the weekend and I have a feeling that it plays out very similarly to the earlier game between these two squadrons. Give me the guy that got away with killing people in a fairly convincing fashion. Baltimore 24-13 OVER

Five Dollar Foot Longs @ Discount Doublechecks (-7.5) O/U 52.5
How do you factor in the Green Bay OC’s son drowning in the Oshkosh River? That has to have some sort of effect on the Packers, right? I am getting sick and fucking tired of hearing people comparing this Giants playoff run to the one from their Super Bowl year. STOP IT. But then again, I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that this is your upset. Yep, I’m calling it, the Packers are going down…at home…to Eli Manning…again. I heard someone on the radio say that if the Giants win this game, that Eli will eclipse Peyton as a QB. You know what, that’s not as crazy as you might think. The champs are going home early. New York 31-30 OVER

So my prediction for the conference chanpionships are NYG @ NO and BAL @ NE. Yeah, I’m going to stick with that. The results from last week…

6-2: Li’l Strut
5-3: Jeff, Dut
4-4: GMoney, Prime
3-5: Drew, Damman, Ide, Andrew, Iceman
2-6: Seal, Brady

By the way, I looked up who was the best in this contest last year and it was the enigmatic “mdrgolf” who has not appeared since! Good times! My guess that it was MDashRexterribleatGolf was ELITE. Leave your picks in the comments and enjoy the pigskin that we are quickly running out of.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Thursday Thumpski

This is starting to become a Thursday tradition. Nothing ever happens on Wednesdays and thus I am left writing about a wide variety of barely sexy topics such as King Nerd E. Gordon Gee announcing to the world that running Ohio State is like running the Polish Army. That isn’t even funny if you like ethnic jokes but has got him in lukewarm water anyway. I like the idea of the almost non-existent central Ohio area Polacks picketing in front of his office when in fact they are standing outside of the Columbus Zoo. If they aren’t making sausage or breaking down the cover 2 defense on Monday Nights, Polacks are worthless. Anyway, onto other news that features far less xenophobia.

*If they lose more than one game in the Big Ten this year (barring injuries to their big 3), Matta should be fired.—G$, 11/18/2011. Looks like it’s time to run ol’ Sweaty Nuts out of town, right? I don’t really get it. Sure both losses were sort of fluky, but what do you make of this team? Aaron Craft is being way too passive. SHOOT THE FUCKING BALL. Buford tends to disappear for long stretches of games. DeShaun Thomas keeps reading off court cases to Judge Harry Stone while finger-blasting Markie Post. They just don’t feel like they know who they are yet. Last year, they definitely knew. They were going to be deadly from outside and Sullinger was going to dominate the paint. This year…not so much. It’s still early but, yeah, Matta to Citgo. DING!

*Sparty and the Hoosiers can’t really be this good, can they? Remember when Tom Izzo was supposed to take the Cavs job? That was a fun day.

*Anyone else see/hear Bobby Hebert go off on Les Miles after the National Title Game and on The Herd yesterday? Hilarious. I like his angle though. Coaches should be held accountable for not having their guys ready and should be called out for it. LSU was a goddamn embarrassment on Monday night and Miles deserved to be flamed for it. Bobby Hebert…never thought that his name would make this site.

*It appears that a “Plus One” is all but a certainty to be announced soon. Whatever, I’ll believe it when I see it. I still hold the belief that the BCS and NCAA are determined to piss off America every year. Those two entities are more out of touch with reality than Gary Busey.

*The Raiders are looking for a new head coach again after shit-canning Hue Jackson after one year. I actually think that this is justified. He isn’t someone that the new GM wants to work with and Hue was behind that God awful Carson Palmer trade. Bring back Art Shell!

*Tim Tenor has been named America’s Favorite Pro Athlete by whoever wastes enough time to tabulate those rankings. Makes sense considering that he just made Steeler fans cry and is ELITE at Mario Jars.

*Finally, there are rumors going around that the reason why Ryan Braun failed a drug test was because he was taking herpes medication. HERPES! Now he’s stuck. You don’t want to be outed as a false cheater but at the same time, you don’t want America to know about your dick-rot either. Apparently, Braun lives right next door to Pamela Anderson in CA so it makes sense that he has Diseased Wang. I hope that this story is true because it rules.

Hmmmm, Buckeye basketball talk better rule the comments today because, after reviewing the post, it feels a little light on talking points/interesting shit. Oh well, that’s what I get for hiring the Polish Army to blog for me today.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

G$'s Application To Stardom Is Complete

My work computer took a dump on me around lunchtime yesterday.  After a long and annoying phone call to tech support, the router was fried or some dumb shit that I didn't understand and I'm supposed to get a replacement (which I'm expected to install myself for some reason) this morning.  Whatever.  Without my computer though, I have very little that I can accomplish.  After about 15 minutes of staring off into space and realizing that I have to stick around for at least three more hours, I pulled out my destiny (not my penis) and got to work.

That's right, remember when I publicly announced here that I was going to apply to be on Big Brother next Summer.  Well, fuckheads, my application is complete.  Now this was not a simple task at all.  The damn thing is 14 pages long and took me over an hour.  It is the most actual writing that I've done in a decade and my hand started cramping.  But I put down what I needed to say and how I think that America will take a shine to me.

The questions that they asked were pretty stupid.  For example:
*Who is your hero and why?--Uh, myself...duh?
*What are three things that you would bring into the house with you if Big Brother allowed it?--Can I bring in three fleshlights?  Does the light and can of lube count as two things?  Because those two are a team and can not be split up.
*What would be your strategy to win the game?--Don't overreact and "kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out".
*What are your favorite foods?--Asian snatch and microwaved eggs
*What are three adjectives that best describe you?--Gorgeous.  Pants-shitting.  Self-described Huguenot.
*Have you ever sought mental help?--Banana!
*Do you drink?  How often and, when you do, do you get drunk?--Yes and fuck yes.
*If you answered yes to the above question, how do you behave when you get drunk?--I am loud and obnoxious (anyone who is reading this can confirm).  Will the house have 4 Loko?  Because if there is any in the house, you better have some rape kits on site.
*If you become famous from Big Brother, how will it change you?--More random hummers, I assume.  Probably quite a few free shots, too.  I would probably have to get a whole new set of friends because the current group would not be able to handle my shining star.

14 pages of this.  Needless to say, it was a bit tedious.  But our work is not done here.  That's right, I am asking for YOUR help to make me the greatest reality television star in the history of the world.  Here's how it is going to work:

So Grumpy owes the entire comment section a free meal, right?  This is totes going to happen and happen soon.  This meal does not come free of consequences though.  In order for CBS to take my application, I need to also send them a video, no longer than 2 minutes, detailing why "I would be the perfect candidate for Big Brother.  Be creative!".  Now I don't know the first thing about producing or directing and this is where I need a little help.  I need some sort of cool gimmick to make my video stand out amongst the other applicants (like a crazy location or sitting on the toilet or something).  Mr. Ape (I'm told) used to walk around high school videotaping things (like a fucking weirdo) so he can probably direct this masterpiece.  But I want you all to brainstorm on how I can look good and hilarious.  Basically, we need CBS to say, "That guy...that is our guy."

I was thinking something like the Fundamentals YouTube video that Mark Titus did when he would dive on the floor, look at the camera, and say "HUSTLE".  But, you know, with a spin toward me.  Like Ape could tape me staring at a nasty stripper and I would look over at him and say "ATTENTION TO DETAIL" or "HORNY AS FUCK" or something like that.  I'm not married to the idea and I'm more than willing to accept other thoughts.  They have not set a deadline for applying yet, but I'd like to get it done as soon as possible.

So let's spend today coming up with ideas because I have already decided that "no help on this project = no Grumpy BBQ".  Yeah, that's right.  Fire away.  And you never know, your jokey reply could be the winner.