Friday, July 29, 2011

So Effin Hot

Is that Poopson?  Still throwing bullets, I see!
I can't even begin to describe how hot it was on the third base line at GABP yesterday afternoon.  I think that I was sitting in the same section as "Tammy 2" because it felt an awful lot like "Satan's Butthole".  I can tolerate a lot of punishment (see: Redskins fan), but my buddy and I had to go up to the shaded concourse twice just to get out of the sun.  It was miserable.  I had a swamp ass stain the size of Lake Michigan.  Would it have killed the Reds and Mets to play a 2-1 game?  Nooooooo, they had to go all 10-9 on us.  I left after 7 innings.  I couldn't deal with it anymore.

Nice park though.  I'd go back (especially if I can continue to get free tickets).  Food selection was solid.  Nothing beats a big red smoky (or mettwurst) with peppers and onions.  I wish that I could have drank though.  Oh well.  That's one more park off of my list.  Just a few notes today as I'm still trying to get rehydrated.

*Brad Penny is an asshole.  Fuck this "Birdshit-looking" guy.  He's lucky to be in the bigs and wouldn't be pitching for any other team, quit trying to punk Victor.  The Tigers thumb their butts.

*Jose Reyes is amazing.  Watching how that guy moves and covers the field is incredible.

*Fukudome is an upgrade...deal with it.  It seems like Indians fans are bitching about this trade yet these are the same people who cried about Austin Kearns and Luis Valbuena.  You can't make these people happy.  He's your best healthy OF right now and that makes this a great trade.  And quit worrying about your "prospects".  You have a chance to win the division, but that means that the Clippers might not win the Governor's Cup again this year.  Again, deal with it.  No team has ever won a title with unknown prospects.  When you have a chance, you should almost always go for it.  YOU HAVE A CHANCE.

*The Giants are so intelligent.  Carlos Beltran?  Really?  Why do they keep making awesome moves!!!  Jesus Christ, the NL Playoffs are going to be awesome this year (seriously).

*GOODBYE ALBERT!!!  Man, I wish that I had the chance to comment on this yesterday.  I love how everyone seems to think that this was some great move by Belichick.  It isn't.  Billy can have all the guys with broken motors that he wants.  Fat Al will not be missed.  I just hope that the grass in Massachusetts is as comfortable as the type in DC was.

*Ocho, too?  Remember the Monday after the draft when I said that Belichick was an idiot who had lost it?  Everyone of you disagreed with me.  You were ALL WRONG.  Al and Ocho in the same day?  Why are you bringing in two lockerroom dividers!  Mark it down, the Pats don't win a playoff game yet again this year.  I kind of want to throw out a Myra Kraft joke, but I will refrain for once.

*Redskins update.  I hated what they did on Wednesday afternoon with Stallworth, Kellen Clemens, Gaffney, and Brandon Stokley but starting on Wednesday night, they seem competent.  First, Stokley backed out of his deal and then they signed a top ten CB (look it up) in Josh Wilson from Baltimore which gives them a sick secondary.  OL Chris Chester from the Ravens and DE Stephen "Don't Call Me Noah" Bowen from Dallas.  Those are quality moves from an organization that doesn't usually make quality moves.  But still, "SUCK FOR LUCK" is in full effect.  This offense might not score 100 points this year.

*Are the Browns and Lions even working?  They do know that the lockout is over, right?  Terrible.  Oh, I'm sorry, the Browns signed Osama Bin Laden to play free safety.  Way to go...signing dead terrorists.

*FROM MR ACE:  Don't know what you're posting about for tomorrow, but say something about the fact that all the MSFL invites have been sent out as well as Paypal requests.  Done.  I'm already paid and laid.

I think that that about covers it.  OH!  Hollywood Casino in Lawrenceburg is tremendous.  They didn't have craps or roulette open in the morning so I had to stick with blackjack.  Not bad, could have been better.  No one gets more 15s and 16s than I do.  NO ONE.  I'll be back on Monday hopefully talking about MORE FOOTBALL!!!

RIP you big fat puss toad

Thursday, July 28, 2011

From The Desk of...Ide

Best character in movie history or best character ever?
Listen up, fuckdolls.  I am out of the office again today living out my lifelong dream of going to a game at Great American Ballpark.  First pitch is at 12:35 and the high in the 'nati today is 100 degrees...that should produce some lovely swamp ass.  Chris Capuano vs. Homer Bailey!  The 2nd time that I've watched the Mets play in the last three years!  Good times!  Thanks again to one of the Brothers Saul ( I can't remember which one...Dennis?) for the free tickets.  I actually invited Grumpy to go with me but he has an ExTenze convention or some other shit that has to do with "old man dick".  FUCK YOU!  HOW DARE YOU TELL ME NO!  By the time that most of you read this on the shitter, I will already be sitting at a table in the Hollywood Casino.  Suck it.  I can't wait to see the gambling crowd at 9 AM on a Thursday!  So instead of me, you get another story from Ide.  I've been told that you like these. ********************************************
While in college, I worked with this real piece of work named Jack. These are his stories.

To describe Jack, is a journey all in of itself. To be fair, nothing was really known about him, only assumed. No one really questioned him, nor had any real reason to believe anything he said to be completely true, based on how he was. A real man of mystery, and I’m positive, someone who didn’t know his father. Here are a few of his bullet points.
• Black
• Had braids
• Unknown age (mid 20’s at the time, possibly 33ish now)
• Probably didn’t make it past the 9th grade (speech/grammar and analytical skills indicated this)
• Thought he was a rapper
• Wasn’t
• Rotten teeth
• No car
• Had a trademark: He bought two of the same flea market ghetto shirts. One to wear regularly, one to wear as a bandana. He thought this was acceptable.

Now, through careful avoidance, I really tried to steer clear of Jack at all times. He was really unpleasant to socialize with, and had a quality about him that made anyone around him look that much worse. And besides, how could we patrol for snatch, with a guy who looked like cross between Chris Johnson and Bubbles from The Wire constantly leering around us. Yet, either through a few chance encounters or some sort of work related gathering, we wound up together at a few social functions. Here are some of my fondest memories of Jack. And I promise you that these are all true.

• He couldn’t understand how 9/11 happened. He figured that since the pilots were killed that the autopilot would have taken over. After trying numerous times to describe his idea, it’s best I just paraphrase what he said. “How could that muthafucka crash? Didn’t that dude pop up from the seat and fly the plane after those pilots died? What do they call him? The muthafuckin autopilot!” After several minutes of wondering what he meant we concluded that he took this knowledge of autopilot from the movie Airplane. He literally thought a dummy inflated out of the seat to fly the plane.
• He had two hilarious ways to refer to women’s genitalia, both of which were equally used. One was the way he said pussy. It was like he used an extra ‘u’ in there, and it resonated more than any other word in the sentence. “Hey man, tonight Imma go get me some pUUssy.” His other choice nomenclature was slopbox. Hilarious.
• He once carried a butter knife to a college house party, in case some shit popped off and he needed “to stab me a muthafucka”.
• The one and only time at my house he noticed a neighbor on the second floor had a pretty extensive cactus collection on her balcony. He asked if I would give him a boost so he could climb up and steal her cacti. Thinking it was a joke, I laughed it off and said sure thing. But the look in his eye demanded that he was serious. After querying why, it turns out negros with braids use cactus juice to keep them healthy, and he was fresh out. This was the only thing I ever learned from Jack (ed. note-Is that true?  That's fucking Nene Hilario!!!).
• He was an avid bowler. Not really funny, I just thought it was worth mentioning.
• During a softball outing, I let him use my glove since we were on opposing teams. He played left and I bat right, so my hits were all coming his way. He had absolutely zero fielding experience, and it showed. Upon several fly balls being hit in his direction he finally got pissed off enough with everyone laughing at him that he demanded to get a right handed glove. I told him that I never knew he was left handed, to which he replied that he wasn’t, but couldn’t catch with his left hand. I asked how he expected to throw the ball with his right if he had a glove on it. After 45 seconds of staring at his hands, he threw down my glove and said, “Fuck this bullshit” and stormed off to the dugout where he promptly started freaking a Black & Mild. His batting wasn’t much better; he once swung twice at the same pitch. He missed both times.
• His rapping name was Jack Daniels. He exclusively drank Hennessy.
• He actually did a really good Arnold Schwartzenegger impression.
• Had a minimum of 13 places of residency. I knew him for only a few months.
• He showed up to a couple of college parties very belligerent. And while I knew he was there, I made it a point to stay away from him. I could never see him, but I could always hear him. Usually his use of the word pussy (which was often, regardless of the situation or location) clued me in to his location. And maybe it was because he was packing random pieces of flatware on his person, but he was never in a fight despite being the most brazen person at any party.

My knowing Jack was definitely brief but memorable. I often picture him still bouncing from one ghetto flat to another, or possibly impregnating a beastly woman. I can’t imagine what he does for work, if anything, because he wasn’t really good at anything save bowling.
******************************************
Ide needs to work on his endings.  That sort of went nowhere but was still amusing nonetheless.  I was hoping that Jack opened up a series of fried chicken joints or some other borderline stereotypical shit.  I'll be checking in periodically today so behave yourselves.  Drew is still a titanic pUUssy for not wanting to participate in the MSFL because he doesn't really like Fantasy Football (what a fag!).  Wish me luck at the tables, queermos.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Have Missed You, Vegas

(Booty booty booty booty rockin' everywhere)

Douche Lord of the Week: It pains me to do this because the Michigan brotherhood here is scarce, but Iceman got served a cold dish of Drew semen yesterday. Hopefully Hoke will return the favor in November. But we all win with Iceman's mug on the banner.(Note: If the Fuckeyes do get a 1 year bowl ban I will hire a P.I. and find unflattering pictures of Drew and send them to his family.)

VEGAS!!! G Money has made it very well known that he doesn't think highly of gambling posts. So it gives me great pleasure to produce the first gambling post of the upcoming 2011-2012 football season.

The Las Vegas Hilton released 35 Over/Under lines of "teams of interest" on Sunday. I think they meant to make the list 36 because they forgot Toledo, but whatever. Here is the list. Here are the winners.
  • G$ said Boise State(10.5) Over was an easy pick yesterday. I agree. Phil Steele agrees. Boise IS going undefeated this year. Plenty of talent coming back, great schedule(Toughest road game is @Toledo, that's right), and no Colin Kaepernick at Nevada. 12-0.
  • Texas A&M(8.5) is making some noise as well. The only game they won't be favored in is @Oklahoma. Where are four potential losses on their schedule? Oklahoma. Texas. And then who? TAMU Over is a lock, but the juice is high.
  • Even if Spurrier's drunken quarterback doesn't make his way back on the team, I like South Carolina(9) this year. I love Lattimore, definitely a Heisman finalist this year. They don't have LSU or Alabama on the schedule. The OVER is easy money.
  • Phil Steele's most likely team to go undefeated is...Virginia Tech? Yes, Virginia Tech(10). Even without Tyrod Taylor and only returning 13 starters, the Hokies are still a hot pick to go undefeated. Why? Because their schedule is a fucking cakewalk. No FSU, no Boise, and, most importantly, no James Madison. Virginia Tech OVER seems like a safe bet.
Five Big Ten team lines were released; Michigan(7), Wisconsin(9.5), Michigan State(7.5), Nebraska(9.5) and Penn State(7.5).
  • For Michigan, I think that line is spot on. I would lean more towards 8 wins over 6...but of course I would. People think the offensive transition is going to be tough, but Borges(offensive coordinator) isn't going to completely overhaul the system. Michigan also has 19 starters coming back. The defense can only get better under Mattison. I would take the OVER.
  • I see five or six losses on Sparty's schedule. ND, Fuckeyes, Wiscy, Nebraska, and Northwestern/Michigan. They need to replace three offensive linemen and all of their linebackers. They might not win a road game. And it's fucking Sparty. UNDER.
  • Nebraska is an enigma to me. They looked unstoppable at the beginning of last year, but terrible from November on. Taylor Martinez seems a bit soft. They need to replace three O-linemen and three DB's. All that being said...I struggle to find 3 losses on that schedule. I would take the OVER, but not too high on it.
  • Penn State is going to be hot garbage. No Royster, no starting QB, and JoePa is still refusing to wear his Depends. They will still play D, but it won't be enough. They are losing at least five games. The end of their schedule is brutal. UNDER.
  • Now for the new overlords of the B1G. Wisconsin at 9.5? Are you fucking high Vegas? There is no chance they lose three games. NO FUCKING CHANCE. OVER.
There were some solid futures out as well.
  • Southern Miss at 3/1 to win Conference USA. Only competition in that conference is Houston. Southern Miss is a better, more balanced team.
  • I think there is good value in taking South Carolina at 6/1 to win the SEC. I think South Carolina wins the East and can beat either Bama or LSU on a neutral field.
  • Oregon is 2/1 and Stanford is 3/1 to win the PAC-12. I would bet a shit ton on both of them and basically guarantee a 1:1 payoff at the worst.
  • Wisconsin at 13/5 is a steal to win the B1G. I would take a chance on Northwestern at 9/1 to win the Legends Division.
  • Virginia Tech is 11/10 to win the ACC Coastal. I would bet $1 Million on this.
  • And the best line of all, Toledo is 13/4 to win the MAC...and they are the favorites. I will be shocked if Toledo loses more than two games this year, and neither of those would be a MAC game.
The Money Shot Fantasy League. Should we do this? I guess we will figure that out today. Here is how I would like to do it: Online auction draft. 10 or 12 teams. Strictly limited to those who comment on this glorious blog.
Scoring:
TD=6 pts.(Even for QB's)
Points Per Reception=1 pt
50 yard TD pass/rush/reception=1 pt
Everything is standard after that.
Starting Lineup:
1 QB
2 RB
2 WR
1 RB/WR
1 Flex
1 TE
1 K
1 D/ST
I like the addition of an extra Flex as opposed to being forced to start 3 WR. A team could potentially start 4 RB if they chose to, which would make drafting and trading more interesting. Only 6 bench players.
Buy-in: $40. I guess it's negotiable.
Payouts: Based on 12 player league
2 Division Winners: $40 each
1st place: $200
2nd place: $130
3rd place: $70

So, what do we think? I think it might be the best fantasy league ever assembled, especially with the sick fucks involved with this site on a daily basis. If you are interested then say so in the comments. If you have suggestions or concerns you can also do that in the comments I suppose. I would likely setup a paypal account for the buy-ins because I don't trust you fucks. You can also email me at MoneyShotFantasies@gmail.com. And yes, I did just create that email.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

FOOTBAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!


Lance Armstong must be proud.
YEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!  These buttholes finally figured it out!  While most of you were laughing at The Iceman yesterday, the NFL was busy ending this stupid fucking lockout.  Terrific.  Now we can all get on with our smear-the-queer-loving lives.  Peter King can start writing about football instead of referencing things that Hitler did.  Trent Dilfer can go back to smelling his own farts on the air.  Random analysts can focus on calling Matt Hasselbeck "Matthew" for no apparent reason instead of "Who cares, this guy fucking sucks anyway".  It's back.  It's fucking back. 

So what does it all mean?  What will happen now?  What do we need to remember?  Well, let me tell you.

1. Baseball is fucked.  Welcome back to the JV roster, baseball.
2. We need to all remember how much we hate Steelers fans.
3. Jay Cutler is still a pussy who quit on his team in the NFC Championship game.
4. Gambling is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!  In fact, Vegas released college football team win totals yesterday (Boise State over 10.5 wins is a fucking lock).  Do you remember sweet, sweet wagering?  I barely do since I haven't done it since the Super Bowl (with the exception of the NHL All Star Game).  Wait a minute, did the government shut any of these sites down like they did with the poker sites?  Holy fuck, they better not have.  -Rex is my internet gambling expert, get on this.
5. It's time to focus on FANTASY FOOTBALL.  I had a nice conversation with GSaul recently pretty much agreeing that we would die without fantasy football.  Never fear though because it's back and will be just as great as ever.  And do not worry your stupid ugly heads because Fantasy Football Friday will return as this site's Friday feature beginning next week.  These are always some of my favorite posts to write.

There.  Now are you ready?  You don't need some dumbass Hank Williams Jr song to get ready for football.  All you need to remember is no more baseball, fuck the Steelers, Cuntler, point spreads, and that greatest activity ever that an old fuck like Grumpy will never understand.  Done.  Let's do this.

Now for the interactive portion of this post.  Let's see, readers of this site happen to be Skins, Eagles, Browns, Bingles, Lions, Bills, Steelers, Falcons, Bears, etc fans.  What is the first move that you would like your team's front office to make?

For the Skins, it seems like they are hell-bent on getting Santanio Holmes first.  Nothing like throwing big money at a guy who is one incident away from a one year suspension.  Sure, he's awesome and would look great next to Leonard Hankerson The Christmas Poo, but I'm conditioned to believe that anyone that signs with the Redskins will be terrible.  But my wish is for them to trade McNabb first.  He sucks but he's still better than Kevin Kolb.  No more Uncle Toms on my team.  I want thugs...and John Beck!  That being said, if your favorite team gives you the call to make the first move of the frantic free agency period, what are you doing?

Raise your hand if you find it hilarious that Terrelle Pryor probably won't even be able to "play" in the NFL this year.  What a cocksucker.  Welcome back, NFL.

Monday, July 25, 2011

These Assholes Are Going To Walk

TOUCHDOWN BILLS!!!
God dammit.  God fucking dammit.  It's going to happen.  We should all be mentally preparing ourselves for Ohio State to get away with "collegiate murder".  This is fucking embarrassing for all parties.  I can't believe how much weight this stupid ass "self-reporting" carries.  Like say if The Unabomber turned himself in, all would have been forgiven.  That's pretty much what the NCAA does.

Ohio State played known ineligible players for an entire season.
Ohio State's #1 employee lied to the NCAA multiple times.
Ohio State has had numerous players receive improper benefits for years.

And as soon as the NCAA rules committee wakes up from that 5 hour Jim Tressel questioning session in a few weeks where he is just going to spend 300 straight minutes lying, they are going to say "So what?  Doesn't matter.  What they've done to themselves is enough."

That sucks and that is EXACTLY what is going to happen.  The sooner that you accept this, the sooner you can get back to your life as an educated non-Fuckeye fan.  I hate when it feels like justice hasn't been served.  Is Ohio State guilty of all the things that SI and OTL and FUCKYOUINDABUTT have reported?  No, but that is all window dressing to the three main points that I listed above.  Again, what difference should it make if Indy was notified by Columbus of these things.  It doesn't mean that they didn't happen.  FUCK!

What boggles my mind the most is when Friday's news of no further findings hit, ESPN reported that Ohio State has a friend somewhere in the NCAA (or something similar to "someone is looking out for you").  WTF???  I know that college sports are not the same as the American legal system but this is tantamount (nice word choice!) to OJ being on trial for double homicide but Al Cowlings and Kato Kaehlin are on the goddamn jury!

I look forward to Pat Haden and USC's MASSIVE lawsuit against the NCAA when this bullshit ruling finally comes and this ugly chapter is swept under the rug for good.  So take a bow, Drew, Dut, Li'l Strut, etc.  You faggots just got away with football murder.  You guys are pretty much OJ only worse because The Juice would never come to this site (because he doesn't have internet privileges in the clink obviously!).  I hate you.  Never forget that.  I can't wait for Toledo Tom to eat the shit out of you in week 2.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Look, It's Another Gross Story!

I'm taking a half day off from work today. Why? Well, because one of our own is getting married this evening and you affectionately know him by his online moniker and not real name "JonSaul". I'm not really sure about this whole Friday wedding business, but whatever. It gives me a few hours to kick Dut in the nuts and that is never a bad thing. We're not going to roast Jon or anything like what we did to Mr. Ace (Li'l Strut actually read our roast to the entire groom's party an hour or so before the ceremony!) because we actually like Jon. Instead, how about a disgusting story from my high school football days? It isn't a long one, but I think you'll chuckle. And if you don't, you're probably dead, Grumpy.

OK, so the NapCats used to have some dork film all of our games. I hated this because there is nothing more boring than watching a team run the goddamn Wing T for four quarters. I mean, it was fun playing in that system but MURDER to study the tape. So we had this guy who would do it for us. He wasn't a coach. He never showed up to practice. He was never introduced to the team. No one knew his fucking name. But he was there every Friday night, walking around the locker room like he belonged which he most certainly did not.

Did I mention that our "videographer" was a ginger? I probably should have. It makes him seem more evil. He may have been one of the first innovators of the chinstrap beard, too. But my memory is admittedly foggy when it comes to someone's facial hair from 14 years ago. If you want to mentally picture this guy, just imagine a cross between Andy Dalton and the guy that played Hans Klopek (pictured) in the Tom Hanks/Corey Feldman classic, The Burbs (yes, this is a tremendous reference).

So I'm in tenth grade, getting my ass handed to me on a daily basis by the Seniors during practice. We all had to dress on Friday nights even though there was no chance in Hell that we were getting in. It was pretty pointless. You were pretty much there just to stretch. After the games ended, the parents would feed us. Now, it was not some elaborate spread of chicken strips and filet mignon or whatever they get in the pros. They just passed around bags of ham sandwiches on the bus and you were allowed two at the most. We were getting ready to leave after our winning performance at Bryan (my least favorite high school ever and always will be) and the bags start trickling through the shithead Sophomore bus. By the time that it got all the way back to Carrizales (who I have noted here before was an iconic asshole), there were a few left in the big bag o' sammiches.

One of the coaches came to the window and asked if there were any left for the Daywalker Videographer. Fortunately for him, there were! Unfortunately for him, Carrizales wanted to teach him an unnecessary lesson and also brand him with a horrible nickname. Yes, before Big Red got his sandwiches, Carrizales did some quick man-scaping, ripped out a handful of pubic hair, and allowed his Latino body hair to be a condiment for the guy's ham. Did we watch him eat them? Of course we did. We watched him eat them while giggling like bastards the entire time. And thus, "Pube Sandwich" finally had a name to go along with his stupid video camera.

Obviously, now, I feel bad that I let this happen because all the dude wanted was something to eat and he never meant any harm. He deserved better than to ingest Carrizales' "crab-holders". But then I remember how much film study fucking blew cock and that was all his fault. So in the end, I have only one thought when it comes to this gentleman...EAT MAN BUSH, PUBE SANDWICH.

 Big congrats to Jon and his soon-to-be wife who once called me "Stanley". May you live a life of blah, blah, blah nobody cares. That night that I got drunk and confronted her about calling me the wrong name was awesome. NOBODY FUCKS WITH STANLEY!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

University of Sexual Ballers!

Charlie Batch's son???
YES! There is finally something happening in the world of sports that I actually want to talk about! It's been awhile. So let's all head to LA and "break bread"...whatever that means.

In case this is all new to you, USC RB Marc Tyler has gotten into some hot water this week for some extremely drunk remarks that he made to TMZ. He implied that USC pays better than the pros, I think, with his breaking bread remark. The dumbass with the camera then randomly spouted off with "University of Spoiled Children" for some reason (which is a stupid insult in my personal opinion). Tyler responded delightfully, "University of Sexual...BALLERS". Because he is an idiot. TMZ posted the video. Tyler's old man publicly apologized for having a braindead fucktard for a son. And finally, USC AD Pat Haden suspended Tyler for the first game this year for it.

You know what...I love it. I don't hate one thing about this story. The setup was hilarious and the fallout was awesome.

First of all, if I am supposed to be a stud running back for one of the best programs out there, at no point would I consider (even drunk) talking to some random buttfucker on the street holding a camera. Not in today's world. Second, Tyler knows that his beloved Trojans may have sort of just got into SERIOUS trouble. It would probably be for the best if he didn't imply that they were paying everyone on the team. For that matter, how the hell would he even know what the NFL pays anyway? What a stupid question. Tyler gets a stipend from the school and nothing from the pros so of course USC breaks bread for him. Third, when in doubt or when someone asks you something that you don't understand, just imply that you are a demon in the sack. You know, a real fuck lion. That never fails. Let's try this at home:

You: Hey, G$, what's going on with these gas prices?
(five seconds of confused silence)
G$: Tell your old lady that she gives toothy BJ's.----It NEVER fucking fails.

Needless to say, if this incident was an at-bat in a baseball game, Marc Tyler just got called out on strikes after three pitches. He deserved to be punished even though nothing that he did was illegal.

I absolutely love that his old man went out of his way to call his son a dipshit. He didn't have to, but he wanted the world to know that "MY SON IS A STUPID TAINT". With all the crappy over-parenting being done these days, an incident like this is extremely refreshing.

By the way, Pat Haden has been putting on a clinic for Awesome ADmanship ever since he was hired away from Notre Dame color commentary. You want to embarrass the USC Football program? Eat shit, buddy, you can sit on the fucking bench for awhile. Some whiny fucks think that Tyler's suspension is ridiculous. Those people are wrong for the same reasons that James Harrison was wrong. Freedom of speech is a great thing to hide behind, but there are consequences to running your mouth. And those saying that "he's just a kid"...please. Tyler is a senior in college. That excuse works for high school kids, not cocksuckers that can legally drink. The courts consider you an adult when you turn 18, I have no idea why others wouldn't either. It's just making an excuse for immature behavior. Bravo, Pat Haden, I totally respect your game.

Needless to say, after all the smoke has cleared and the punishments for each school has lapsed, I can't wait for the 2015 Rose Bowl game with the University of Sexual Ballers doing battle on the gridiron with Ostrich Sex University. I'm sorry--THEEEEEEEE Ostrich Sex University.

In other awesome college football news, did you read the snippets from Mike Leach's new book? Outstanding stuff. Craig James absolutely seems like the kind of asshole who would pimp his son out and claim to have some sort of royal bloodline. Craig James fucking sucks. ESPN should lock him in a shed without oxygen. Long live the pirate!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Big Ben Wedding ACEterview

(Big Ben has upped his game with chloroform. Nicely done)

Douche Lord of the Week: Given the topic for today, I think Grumpy should retake his throne as grey dick lover on The Money Shot banner.

Tillman Story. Before we get to the fun time... I would strongly recommend that you watch The Tillman Story about the late, great Pat Tillman. It delves into his personal life, family, football, and, of course, what happened while he was an Army Ranger. It's crazy. It's scary. It's awesome. You need to watch it.

Fun Time. Big Ben is getting married this Saturday. Maybe he thinks getting married will make people think he is a changed man. Maybe he really did find Jesus and is a changed man. Maybe his repulsive grey dick is content with one vagina for the rest of its life. But I expect Ben to be back raping in full force by next summer. Maybe his new bride will join in.

But nobody has been able to get any information on the wedding. Of course, being Mr. Ace, I snagged an interview with the wedding planner.
Mr. Ace: Good day, young lady. Has your vagina been safe through this process?
Wedding Planner: Well, yes. Why would you ask such a thing?
ACE: I'm sure you know this, but ol' grey dick has a hankering for getting pussy the hard way.
WP: I can assure you he has put that behind him. But I have brought in all male assistants to insure nothing happens.
ACE: Ah, just another challenge for Ben. Tell them boys to watch their butt holes.

ACE: So what type of amenities are expected to be at the Roethlisberger wedding?
WP: There will be ice sculptures, a--
ACE: Ice sculptures, eh. Are they going to make the ice sculptures right there in front of the people?
WP: I'm not sure how they're going to do it.
ACE: What if one of the sculptors is a Browns fan and carves up a giant grey dick right in front of everybody and then puts rape blood all over it?
WP: I hadn't considered that. That would be horrible.
ACE: DON'T YOU DARE RUIN THAT MAN'S DREAM! He would be a legend if he pulled that off. So forget about the ice sculpting, what else will there be?
WP: There will be flowers, great food, a live band, some fine wine, a fondue fountain....Ace?
ACE: Oh sorry. My mind was wondering. I just can't stop thinking about...well, what do you think the guy would use for rape blood on the grey dick sculpture?

ACE: I understand there will be security at the wedding and reception. So how the fuck am I supposed to crash this thing?
WP: From what I understand James Harrison will be in charge of security.
ACE: Really? Doesn't he hate Ben?
WP: You have to be human to hate people.
ACE: Very good point. So is it just going to be Harrison running around with his Glock's treating everybody like they are Roger Goodell?
WP: Basically. This wedding will impenetrable.
ACE: HA! Great word usage. I thought I was the one telling the jokes. Big Ben and impenetrable. You slay me.
WP: Oh, excuse me. I meant the security for the wedding will be impregnable.
ACE: AHAHA! Impregnable!
WP: Please stop. You know what I mean. If you're not on the list, you won't get in.
ACE: What if I just drove my car straight through security? It's not like they will have tanks there.
WP: I don't think you should resort to forceful entry.
ACE: OHH GOD, MAKE IT STOP! Forceful entry!

ACE: Do you have access to the guest list?
WP: Yes. And no, I will not add you.
ACE: I would never ask you to do such a thing. But what if I came with Andrea McNulty? Would I be allowed in then.
WP: Umm, I don't see that name on the guest list. Who is that?
ACE: She's not invited? You would think that after getting grey dick forcefully shoved in your box you would at least get a wedding invitation. What an ass hole.
WP: I don't think that would be appropriate.
ACE: I'm sure Andrea didn't think it was appropriate to be prison raped in a bathroom either, but she took it like a champ.
WP: I can't really comment on that.

ACE: Well thank you very much for your time, Ms. Wedding Planner. I'm sure you will do a great job on the Roethlisberger wedding. And if you don't, nobody will blame you.
WP: No problem. You have a great day.
ACE: You do the same. And don't forget, don't you dare stop that ice sculptor. And your rape jokes were splendid. Good Bye.

Please leave your gifts for Big Ben and his new bride in the comments.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The NFL Is Getting Ready, We Might As Well, Too


Would definitely make the Redskins.
No jokes today. We're going hardcore football talk. I don't care if Jerry Jones is still "circumcising mosquitoes" or not. In my beautiful mind, football has already begun. Like I said yesterday, playing catch with the football on Saturday has me ready to knock some poor scout teamer out. I'm bringing it hard today with things that I deem as fact. I'm shooting to have ten of them, but that is a soft ten. Jason Whitlock has his "Truths" column for FoxSports but he is fat and black while I am chiseled by God and white. Advantage: Me. So here are things in the NFL that you need to accept as fact immediately so you don't sound like an idiot in the real world.
10. From players #1-53, the Ravens are the best team in the league. Period. But talent does nothing until they figure out one thing: an offensive identity. Last year they thought they were the Saints or something with the way that they winged it all over the place and they ended up morphing into a soft team that forgot how to run the ball. And that killed them. I don't know for sure if you can win a title with Joe Flacco, but I do know that he isn't going to win you a big game by dropping back 35 times.  Run the goddamn ball, Harbaugh, and you'll win a ring.

9. Many feel that the Lions are the next team to make "the leap". Schwartz is close, but it isn't them. Why? Because at least for this year, the Bears and Pack are still better and the Vikes will at least smack you in the throat. No, the answer to this year's "leap team" is the Rams. I'll even make an early call that the Rams are playing in the NFC Title game in early 2012. It can't be that hard. Jay Cutler did it. Why do I see the Rams kicking ass this year...

8. The Rams will sign both Plax Burress and Reggie Bush. I can't think where else their money is tied up so I think that they have cash to spend. Don't believe the Plax-to-Philly horseshit. He doesn't necessarily make them much better.

7. I've poked Wade Phillips in the gut Pillsbury-style for years, but that's only because he was a horrible head coach. The fact is, the guy knows defense. And it's why, albeit before trading and free agency opens, I like the Texans to win the AFC. Yeah, I said it. Obviously, that can change, but I really like what they've got down there. They would have already won 3 Super Bowls if they were named the Oilers.

6. Whichever team trades for Kevin Kolb will never make the playoffs until another QB comes through. I can't believe that people are falling for this guy. He couldn't perform with sick talent around him and got his best receiver killed (DeSean), what is he going to do in Zona/Minny/Seattle? Lose. He will lose a lot. Guys with that much "forehead flab" always suck at football (see: Henne, Chad and Wolverine, Naptown).

5. It does not matter who it is or what else they have, any team that brings in Tiki Barber for a tryout should be contracted.

4. Jon Gruden is still the worst. Cris Collinsworth is still the best. Tony Siragusa is still pointless. Dick Stockton still doesn't know where he is. And CBS will regret parting ways with Gus Johnson.

3. There is nothing funnier than the fact that Al Davis has no heir to his Raiders throne. He has no backup plan. I love it. Al must know for a fact that he will be living forever.  Imagine how large of a supply of Band-aids he has that hold hill skull together!

2. The Redskins will sign Santonio Holmes and Nnamdi Asomugha which will bring their win total from 2 to 4 or 5 and thus ruining "Luck or Bust". How in the hell is a Daniel Snyder-"run" team 41 million under the FLOOR of the salary cap. This terrifies me.

1. Finally, the Ohio teams will combine for maybe 6 wins this year (not counting games with each other). This goes for all teams with either rookie QB's, coaches, or both. If you have any of those, 2011 is going to be a bad year for you. "Camp Colt" is a massive waste of time. He can't teach these guys anything. While we all know that Steelers fans are the trashiest, Cowboys fans are the brownest, and Colts fans are the fattest, no team has a more tard-y fanbase than the Browns do. Since I haven't been wrong in this post yet, let me make it clear...the Browns (and the Bengals) will be picking in the top 6 or 7 next year. No, no--just stop. Don't get defensive. Accept the inevitable.  You both are still a very long way away from being competitive. 

Ironically, this season will mark the 20th anniversary of the last Redskins Super Bowl. Remember when they were good? Ah those were the days. Now all that we're good for is losing to the Lions two years in a row and random Rex Grossman appearances. And if you are looking for a way too early Super Bowl prediction...Packers over Texans. It's time to start the discussion fo realz now...leave the insect cock-play to the adults.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I'm Much Too Hungover To Do This Today

NO DECENT POST FOR YOU!
I drank a lot this weekend.  Like, a whole shitload of booze.  I am paying for it now.  My everything aches.  As Danny Glover once said, "I'm getting too old for this shit".  And I only went up the island for one day.  Alcoholics like Damman and GSaul were there for three.  Impressive display but not as impressive as Damman's disgusting sunburn.  How about just a few notes today so I can get back on the toilet and tailgate for the Breaking Bad season premiere.

*Naptown Wolverine is a horrible person.  Whether it be constantly talking about his accomplishments in the field of "ass-to-mouth" or doing his usual of parading around the house fully nude, he rarely fails to disappoint.  He and I also managed to get into a massive drunk screaming match outside of a bar (which ended up being a huge misunderstanding but I'm sure that it didn't look very good). 

*Soccer can now go back to being irrelevant.  I, like all good Americans, slept through the first 90 minutes of that snoozefest only to wake up and watch quite a lovely collective deepthroat.  Pathetic.  I think we should deport all of them.  They blew it twice.  Which do you prefer more:  Choke Solo, Hope Choke-o, or just Choke Choke-o?  I'm glad that "we" lost though.  Now everyone can stop pretending to be fans of this annoying sport.  Julie Fouty is absolutely terrible as a TV analyst, too.  NOBODY CARES IF THE OBAMAS ARE WATCHING.

*Swim-up pool bars are the greatest but I'm pretty sure that every girl in Ohio could afford to lose 15-20 pounds.  Jus' sayin'.  The hour of drive time on SR 4 is the worst hour of your life.  I nominate that stretch of highway for worst road ever. 

*Japan may possess a trophy that no one cares about, but I've never seen an uglier collection of Asian women in my life.  That was very disappointing.  Their goalie looked like a troll doll.  And who was working at the Yoko Health Spa in Toledo during that game?  I need to know who was dispensing the rub and tugs!

*As I mentioned late Friday in the comments, Damman had the pleasure of listening to an ex-con prisonfuck some skank on Thursday night.  Well, on Saturday morning, K-Dog's cousin puked on Damman's forehead!  That is hilarious.  It was not the best weekend for D.

*Darren Clarke won the British Open.  I like it.  I respect any man who brings booze to his post-win press conference.  It's also nice to see that loser Mickelson back to choking like he plays for the US Women's Soccer Team.  Phil sucks.  People that cheer for that queer should kill themselves.

*Two underrated things from The Bay: 1. K-Dog found a 3 inch by 2 inch clear hard plastic "$" at the bottom of the pool.  We made it into a necklace and I wore it to the bars that night.  It was tremendous.  I still have it.  I think that it might turn into the G$FL Title.  2. I think that NW and I played catch with a football (with beers in hand) for close to an hour and it still remains a damn good time.  "Catch" is very underrated as a beer-drinking event.

*Finally, I guess that the guy who played The Soup Nazi on Seinfeld was at PIB on Saturday.  Hilarious.  And as far as I could tell, the ghosts left us alone.  Oh!  And I was able to finally start a sentence that began with, "Since we're talking about pedophilia".

I'm tired of typing.  I want to lay down.  If you want to complain about today's post, please drop your critique into the complaint box which looks an awful lot like NW's ass-crack.  I'll be back with something worse tomorrow.

Friday, July 15, 2011

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

Man, it feels like yesterday that The Big Picture was producing excellent blog content on a daily basis. But that place closed it's doors down a few years ago. I still miss it though. Their "Would You Do (different female sportscasters)" posts were tremendous. Near the end, that site started running a "Grinds My Gears" feature a la Family Guy. And today I'm going to steal that idea that they stole and use it as my own. What are they going to do to me? I am invincible!

First things first, I'm breaking my vow. As I have mentioned numerous times here in the past, after The Decision, I would never say "his" name again. Now I lasted over a year on that vow having only slipped up twice and, to be fair, I was pantspoopingly blitzed both times. But since it's been a year and the wounds are starting to heal, I think it's time to let it go. Sure, the grudge and hate will always be there for Gloria's Bastard and God knows he's earned it, but it's time for me to be the bigger man...

LeBron James. I literally cringed when I wrote that but I've got to do what I've got to do. Now that that is out of the way...YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

Why the fuck do we have to hear about LeBron's goddamn Twitter response to every little goddamn thing that happens? Who actually cares about this? Why does his opinion matter AT ALL? Who at ESPN thought that this would be a good feature? I get it. Twitter is a big deal right now. It's not something that I will ever do (because I'm 2 cool 4 school and people that use hashtags are faggots), but I understand it's purpose. It exists for dumb people to seem dumber than usual by remarking on things that they have no clue on. Right, Rashard? If LeBron James takes five minutes away from sucking his own cock to watch the end of a World Cup game and to "add" to the drama with a "USA! HOPE SOLO!", what is the purpose? Athlete Tweets are even less relevant to anything than Mr. Ace's dick. Completely worthless.

It's just so random and nonsensical. Does it matter what LeBron (or any other athlete for that matter) thinks about Derek Jeter's 3000th hit? No it does not. I guess that I shouldn't blame him though (for once). This is clearly ESPN trying to be hip and cool again yet they continue to miss the mark. They probably think that it is harmless and fun but it is not. It is both dangerous to people with suicidal tendencies and more boring than church. But what else would you expect from the people who recently brought us the cultural cesspool known as Grantland (which is TERRIBLE, Chuck Klosterman is a goddamn ferry) AND removed the announce team from the celebrity softball game in lieu of Erin Andrews trying to do play by play while managing the American League. WHERE THE FUCK WAS GARY THORNE and why was nobody telling me who the celebrities actually were! Totally ruined that game for me which I usually love. Fuck James Denton, too, but you already knew that.  FUCK YOU, ESPN, FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!

Either way, I would just like to go a month without hearing from ESPN what LeBron James thinks about something not pertaining to basketball. I only listen to people with rings...which is why I still have Donyell Marshall's cell phone number in my phone. I have no idea if he ever won a ring, but I just wanted to remind people that I have D-Marsh's digits.

That's it for me this week. I'm heading up to the true gem of the Midwest, Put-In-Bay, tomorrow for K-Dog's bachelor party. I'm jacked as I haven't been up there for a few years. And yes, we are staying in an actual haunted house. Seriously. Black's family house on the island is haunted. Just ask The Dutchman (who will hopefully tell some tales in the comments regarding the ghosts of the Thompson House). I've heard plenty of stories of him freaking the fuck out in that place. But that's where the booze comes in, my good man. See you on Monday...hopefully I'll still be drunk.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This Post Is All Over The Place

Nobody hates maggots more than Sgt. Slaughter
So on July 4th, I was home alone since the missus and pup were up at her family's lake house in Michigan. Like all weekend bachelors, I was finishing up some leftover Romeo's pizza (large one topping and 12 boneless wings for 15 bucks? FUCK YES!). The 5th was trash day so I was getting all of that shit together to take out to the garbage can. I opened the lid to stuff the pizza box and--GAHHHHHHHHH, MAGGOTS EVERYWHERE. I'm a fairly large twat anyway when it comes to spiders and whatnot (which explains why my dog hides under the bed when a fucking fly flies past his face) but this was too much. Maggots are disgusting as you know/can imagine. And since the little corpse eaters grow up to be flies, my garage is like goddamn Ethiopia right now. Needless to say, kiddos, it never hurts to hose your garbage can down more than once every two years. But then again, not all of you are total fucking morons such as myself.
I just have a bunch of random observations and shit today. I hate it when I have Friday's post already written with nothing ready on Thursday. So this is what you get.

*I don't know how anyone can hate Curtis Granderson. I was in and out of the All Star Game but I caught his little vignette where he talked only about how much he loves pro wrestling. Awesome. Wrestlemania 23 is the greatest event that he's ever been to! Macho Man and Booker T are two of his favorite wrestlers! OMG, if he celebrates a walk-off dong in the playoffs with a home plate spinarooni, I'm going to LOSE MY SHIT.

*Don't the Steelers now sort of HAVE to cut ties with James Harrison? Let's see, he called his boss's boss a faggot, insulted his star QB and RB, AND decided it would be a good idea to be photographed holding two glocks. This guy is such an asshole. When his playing career is over (hopefully soon due to total paralysis), you know damn fucking well that he's going the route of Chris Benoit. Although I do support his thoughts on Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi being pussies.

*I finally figured out the lure of Casey Anthony. She looks like a cross between present-day Jenna Jameson and Jax Teller's doctor bitch on Sons of Anarchy. HAWTTT!!!

*Goddamn soccer bitches are still winning. I don't like it. I just don't care for Hope Eyebrows and Abby Combover getting all the media love when that cute chick with the short blonde hair continues to get the shaft. And so help me god, if I have to see that coach, Pia Boxchow, play the air guitar one more time...ugh, how ugly is that women. Does she own a mirror or a toothbrush? Is she purposely wearing a 2 dollar wig from Goodwill? 

*Back to the All Star Game, how terrible was that entire AL team? Obviously, they were crushed by Sunday starts (no Trashman, CC, King Fe, and Lester), but that's no excuse. Did you see who was on the field in the last two innings? Carlos Quentin? Jhonny? Matt Wieters? Michael Cuddyer? Alexei goddamn Ogando? That's AWFUL. Those guys shouldn't be playing in the AAA all star game. And I still laugh at all of these old time fucks who are crying about guys not attending. Like that really mattered.  It's not like had any effect on Mark Grace's creepy interview with Justin Timberlake.

*I've been thinking about this all week: What would I have done with the Jeter 3000 ball if I caught it with my bare hands? My first reaction would be, "FUCK YEAH, HAL STEINBRENNER JUST PAID MY MORTGAGE OFF!" But just like the the brown guy who got it, I don't think that I could. They would whisk me away to the clubhouse and I would be pissing my pants when I met The Captain. I would have ended up just taking the first thing they offered me. "G$, we're going to give you a fitted Yankees hat, and--"..."DEAL!" I am such a jock-sniffer.

*Since Drew mentioned this a few months ago as, I think, a way to talk shit eventhough he doesn't care, my RedHawk hockey team has countered the Big Ten's decision to blow up the CCHA for their own greed. Starting in 2013, the National Collegiate Hockey Conference (I think that's the name) will begin and is pretty much the SEC on Ice. Suck on that, Drew! Hockey is at least one sport that you will NEVER be better at than my alma mater. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

*I finally got around to watching the Gruden/Pryor shit show. I hate Gruden and he was even more mentally handicapped on that then I was expecting. How many times do you think he's ejaculated to video of Dane Sanzenbacher?

*Finally, the internet is an uproar this week over NetFlix jacking up their monthly prices by 6 bucks. Jesus Christ, quit your fucking whining. It's a business that allows you to be even lazier than normal. YOU have been ripping THEM off for years and now it's time that they return the favor. You know, if you cut out one trip through the Wendy's drive-thru or take one less shot at the bar, you just paid off the rate difference.  There.  I just solved your economic crisis.

Huh...that ended up being a lot longer than I thought. When you have valuable opinions like I do, sometimes it's hard to stop learning everyone.  Until tomorrow, keep on truckin'.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

If I Could Change The World


For the sake of the human race. I hate people. I hate all kinds of people. Black, white, yellow, gay, straight, bi-curious, hermaphs, rich, poor, Drew, it doesn't matter. My hatred is purely based on stupidity. Specifically stupid people who keep on breeding. Intelligent people are being outfucked at an astounding rate and something needs to be done. Often times when joining the debate between pro-choice and pro-life, I create my own platform: pro-abortion. That's right, I see your drug tests for welfare checks and raise you making background checks a requirement for birthing. If you don't even minimally contribute to society then your baby gets scrambled on the spot. And you have to queef it out right there too, no selling off parts for meth.

I've always felt this way, but there was a debate about Senate Bill 5(I promise this will not be political) in one of my classes this week that sent me over the edge. SB 5 is trying to introduce "merit pay" into the school system instead of pay increases being based on tenure. I'm all for this because there is an incredible amount of inept people in this system that don't give a fuck about what they do but are protected by their crazy strong union. I figured I would be surrounded by like-minded intelligent people in a graduate level class, but I was wrong. I was surrounded by smug idiots. The kind that drive hybrids, smell their own farts, and think the news they just read or heard is the end-all-be-all of news: This got my philosophical juices flowing. People like this need to be exterminated, but they can't because they are protected. Being a human being--at least in industrialized countries--makes you a member of the largest union in the world. You are born with rights, privileges, and the knowledge that you are thee apex in this world. Even if you are the shittiest person in the world, you are protected. You can commit the most heinous of crimes and still be protected by this union, and sometimes even allowed to go without consequence. And then you're let back out into the world to spread your seed without mercy. Hell, you can even make babies while you're locked up. Our species is becoming dumber and dumber because of this.

What is the only species in the world that allows its misfits to reproduce? Human beings. If we were lions and there was a litter of myself, G Money, Iceman and Drew, the king of the jungle would have made Drew and Iceman into cannibal victims immediately so as to not pollute the gene pool. It's not about fairness or rights, it's about preserving the health and continued success of a species. Why does every other species get this but us?

What I am proposing is that the right to birth be taken away. If you're a Fuckeye fan; Vasectomy. Enjoy the feeling of young boys butt holes(synonymous with Fuckeyes); gas chamber. Feel rapey; penectomy(please click the link). Have 19 kids by 23 fathers; sow that snatch shut. Cut me off on the highway; quartering. In the Qin dynasty men who were sentenced to death had the option to take castration instead. The Qin people fucking got it. It's time to drop the hammer on the fucktard non-contributors in this world because they are all around us fucking other fucktards and making superfucktards to fuck other superfucktards. The shits gotta stop.

I feel better.

KKK. Of course G Money had to steal my thunder yesterday, but I don't give a shit. Killer Kyle Kalis committed to the good guys a couple days ago and it was oh so sweet. First Dodson, now Kalis, and next will be Bri'onte Dunn. And that hiring of Vrabel just reeks of desperation. "Lets hire a guy who just three months ago was arrested for stealing from a riverboat casino. Parents will love him!" What's that? He's never coached...ever! Fickle just couldn't hide his Vrabel boner. Now they can play tummy sticks just like they were back in the dorms.

Kyle Kalis gets it. He was a huge Fuckeye fan. He believed in Tressel. He committed to be a Fuckeye. Then he found out Tressel wasn't nearly the individual he claimed to be, the University couldn't make a comment without lying, and he wanted to decommit. Fickell convinced the kid not to decommit, which I can't imagine was too hard to do. But in the end Kalis couldn't ignore what he knew, the Fuckeyes are a bunch of fucks. He made his decision and now everybody is all butthurt because they got dumped at the prom.

Drew, and all you other Fuckeyes, are pathetic for bashing a 17 year old via blog comments because he made an intelligent decision. Seriously, fucking pathetic.

Michael Irvin is gay.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Gene Smith Thinks That We're All Idiots...

Just so we're clear, I'm going to fuck you.
...or at least he thinks that the NCAA is.  He should know, though, since he's one of the current big wigs (not for long).  This just proved the old joke true: I would never join any club that would have me as a member.  Gene must have greased a lot of palms and called in a bunch of favors or something because that's the only freaking way that his "response" to the NCAA makes any sense.  Yes, I finally got around to reading it.  I am well-versed.

Look, I understand the university's stance on self-punishment.  Why would you take away scholarships and postseason ban yourself if you don't need to.  That makes sense.  It would be stupid for them to do so.  But it still rubs me the wrong way.  While vacating an entire season is hilarious, it still doesn't do much to punish.  I can point and laugh all I want that the 2011 Ohio State football team was the worst football team ever assembled due to their 0-13 record, but--nope, I'm never going to stop bringing that up.  That's only because I am a highly intelligent asshole though.

Where was I?  Oh yes, the response.  I am most definitely not a Jim Tressel fan.  I always found him to be sort of a phony and conservative to a fault.  Yet with the exception of breaking a few rules, I never thought of him as a bad guy.  He made bad choices.  He paid for those choices.  Unlike most of the people that are responsible for the mess that the Buckeyes are currently in, he took his medicine.  He walked away disgraced.  So what is it with this need to continue to bury him?  Has it been 700 days yet since Ohio State won a football game?

The entire premise of that response letter was to say that Jim Tressel alone was the root of all evil and no one else knew a fucking thing about all of the numerous compliance violations.  Huh?  Even the most diehard Ohio State fan isn't stupid enough to believe that horseshit.  Not even Drew believes that and there is no one "you so dumb-er" than he is when it comes to his alma mater.  Commendable and infuriating at the same time.  So here I am standing up for Tressel today.  No, I'm not hanging a TRESSEL 4 LIFE bedsheet on my porch, but I am making a stand.

Enough is enough.  The only point of this continued finger-pointing is to shovel more dirt on this guy in hopes that he takes the fall for everyone.  And you know what?  He will, too.  That is the saddest part.  He's going to show up in Indy on 8/12 and take all of the heat while his accomplices walk free.  It's not like the NCAA can do anything to him anyway.  He isn't going to coach college football again.  And that just plain sucks that it has come to this.  We know good goddamn well that he wasn't the only one that knew of this asshole behavior running rampant through Columbus for almost a decade.  Tress shouldn't be the only one to have to "fall on his sword" here.

And Gene Smith is going to walk away free.  That, my friends, is bullshit.  Because Geno is doing his usual, talking down to us because he thinks that he is untouchable.  It made me finally realize why I want Ohio State to get crushed by the NCAA:  the complete and total arrogance by the entire university.  They want us to believe that only one guy caused all of this while no one else steps up and takes some well-deserved blame.  And I hate that.  From the President on down, it seems like no one here really thinks that the NCAA has the balls to come down hard on them.  It sickens me and, if you have any sort of soul at all, it should sicken you, too.

This isn't about SI articles or OTL segments or BMV reports to me anymore.  It's about Gordon and Gene going from "I hope he doesn't fire me!" to "he did everything, we knew nothing" in a few months.  They think that we're all stupid.  But we're not.  Everyone sees right through this bullshit blame game.  I just hope that the NCAA does, too.  While the current and future players in Columbus don't deserve to pay for the sins of the past, the fucking administration most definitely does.

Look, none of us know how the punishment is going to come down when it does come down and to say that you do is foolish.  But one thing that I know for certain, the two puppeteers in this whole tard charade, Gordon and Geno, need to be fired.  Literally catapult them out of town like in the days of yore.  Where in the hell have the Board of Trustees been during this whole unnecessary mess anyway?  Are they even more aloof than "everyone other than Jim Tressel"?

Before I go, I just want to say that I don't want this to turn into a 40 comment OSU/UM stupid trash talk post.  That isn't the intent here at all.  It's just something that I have been feeling regarding how this entire situation has been handled by the accused (all wrong by the way, the administration has errored in every step along the way here which is why they are now being sued).  In conclusion, I will reiterate what I've said at a few other sites over the past few days:

YOU ARE A UNIVERSITY, NOT A FOOTBALL PROGRAM.  START ACTING LIKE IT.  Thank you for allowing me a chance to vent.  I just really, really want to knock Gene Smith's teeth out.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Yes, We're Talking 3000 Today

"This guy's dead!"  "Cross him off then."
Months ago, my younger cousin had planned a weekend trip to NYC.  Being a Yankees fan, he made sure to get tickets to a game while he was there (as I'm not sure if he'd been to the new stadium yet).  He bought tickets for Saturday afternoon.  Through sheer luck and a well-timed stint on the DL, he was in the building for history.  If I actually talked to him more often than two times per year, I would ask him to write up what it was like to be there for something so historic.  But instead we will just have to imagine that it was awesome and something that you will never ever forget.  And because he was there, my cousin just totally leapfrogged me in the latest rankings of "Coolest Family Member".  I had held the top spot for over 30 years...but I'm ready to reclaim the throne.

So Derek Jeter did it.  3000 hits.  What a tremendous accomplishment.  While he is obviously on the downside of his career right now, I can honestly say that I've never met anyone who didn't respect The Captain.  Whether it be how he has approached the game and played hard every day for almost 20 years now or the amount of insane Hollywood ass that he's crushed, no one hates Derek Jeter.  He might be the last athlete that gets this sort of treatment actually.

I have been listening to Damman whine about the coverage of this monumental event over the past week.  I'd guess that his issue was more with ESPN than the man himself, but let's make D feel like an idiot nonetheless.

1. This was a BIG DEAL.  They've been playing the game for around 125 years and only 26 (not counting Raffy Palmeiro) have ever hit 3000.  It happens about once every five years.  That makes it significant.
2. The Yankees are the best franchise in the history of sports.  This is not debatable.  But no player had ever accomplished this.  Again, that makes it significant.
3. No one gives a flying fuck about Justin Masterson throwing 8 great innings.  That is pointless.  Jeter getting one hit closer, that is news.  You know this.  The Prog wasn't nearly sold out for that three game series to see Josh Tomlin, bitch.
4. Last time I checked, you don't HAVE to watch ESPN.  Ever.  I watched an Indiana Jones marathon TWICE this weekend.  It was wonderful.  And you and I both know that there was a Rocky marathon on last Monday.  If you keeping watching the Worldwide Leader, they are just going to assume that you like what they're doing.  So, in essence, you are to blame!
5. DJ has never had one ounce of scandal surrounding him.  Ever.  Again, what is wrong with giving him a ton of publicity?
6. Dude, it's New York and it's ESPN.  They are going to hammer this story and hammer it hard.  Did they cover Craig Biggio as much 4 years ago as they did now?  No, but they did treat it like the achievement that it is.  But face it, Craig Biggio isn't interesting and Jeter is.
7. Finally, what else are they supposed to talk about.  I would rather take an entire hour dedicated to Derek Jeter than listen to Bob Ley and Tony DiCicco mouth-fart women's World Cup highlights.  The dueling lockouts?  Ohio State football shitheadery?  July is always a boring month for sports.  You should be thankful that there was actually something important and significant going on right now.

If you didn't like the chase for 3000 this time around, just wait until the next most likely candidate approaches the milestone.  That would be none other than Baseball Jesus himself, Alex Rodriguez, who should get there in early 2013.  After that, it's going to be awhile.  Pujols is still 5-6 years away at least.  So if you got nauseaus over Derek Jeter, just remember that it WILL get worse for you.  So embrace this.

After all, hasn't Jeter been getting hammered ALL YEAR about his lack of production?  How he shouldn't be hitting leadoff?  How Eduardo Nunez should be the shortstop?  How he shouldn't be an all-star?  Yeah, give him his two weeks in the positive spotlight.  The guy fucking deserves it.  He's earned the accolades.  Fuckers.

A few other baseball-related notes:
*Uh oh - That really is a terrible story from Texas with Josh Hamilton murdering that guy in front of his son.  It's really important now for Hammy to stay clean.  I can make jokes at his past because he brought that on himself, but it would really, really suck to see a relapse because of this accident.
*Umpires - Look, umpiring is ridiculously difficult to do and no one is ever going to get all the calls right.  This appears to be the annual time of year where people are whining.  95% of these guys do an outstanding job.  Here is my solution to fix the 5%...put them all on the same crew.  Joe West, Angel "The Worst" Hernandez, CB Bucknor, and Greg Gibson are all together that way it's just one terrible crew instead of them dragging others down with them.  There, just solved that problem.  Or, you know, MLB could fire them but I guess that that would be too hard or something.
*Bet on the NL - No Mo, Jeter, or A-Rod tomorrow night?  Fuck that.  Jhonny Peralta doesn't belong.  I can't blame the guys though.  Would you rather go to Phoenix for three days and risk running into TMS Arizona correspondent, Reba, or plow Minka Kelly for 72 straight hours? 

Congratulations, Derek Jeter, you earned this.  You've been a great player and a role model for 17 years.  I look forward to your first ballot hall of fame induction in 7-8 years.  To the rest of you idiots, please don't watch the Home Run Derby tonight.  It is fucking lame.  Watch the Celebrity Softball Game instead.  Jon Hamm for MVP (if he's playing)!

Friday, July 08, 2011

We're About To Get Knocked Out

"Jim, what was your reaction to the Casey Anthony verdict?"
 We've all been led to believe that at this time next week, the NFL Lockout will be over. I am less than optimistic but, you know, whatever. John Clayton and his mythical ponytail are way more plugged into this situation than I am. And once the doors are re-opened, oh man, is it going to be sweet or what? Free agent signings by the fistful every hour. Stupid trades. Donte Stallworth running over more Mexicans. Camp and Preseason Games. FANTASY DRAFTS! And, finally, that first fucking game of the year on the 2nd Thursday in September. Don't mind me, that's just my erection.

But we are probably going to have one major casualty from this nonsense. It is something that we all love and helps us get into a football state of mind every Summer. That's right, it appears that HBO won't be putting on a season of Hard Knocks this August. And that really, really sucks. Apparently, the Bucs, Broncos, and Lions all turned down the opportunity. The Panthers supposedly want to do it but HBO shouldn't let them because the Panthers are boring as shit.

Now, I was OK with Tampa but I wasn't heartbroken when they turned it down. Denver? I suppose that it would be interesting to see Tebow develop, The Orton Express have nightly phone sex with Drew, and Brady Quinn videotape dudes in the shower, but whatever. Yet I can't shake this feeling...

WHAT THE FUCK, SCHWARTZ? I spent an entire goddamn calendar year professing my love for you and your hilarious sideline tirades and you return the favor by saying no to HBO? FUCK YOU, JIM! The Lions would be PERFECT for Hard Knocks. Awesome coach. Pussy quarterback making a comeback. Stud WR. Arguably the best defensive line in football. Jason motherfuckin' Hanson! I want answers, dammit.  Why won't you let us in to your world!

Since the Lions suck, allow me to throw my hat in for the Redskins (if, at the last minute, they decide to do one this year). The goal every year is to be entertaining. I think that they can pull this off. Don't believe me?
*Completely inept owner who will certainly try to convince America that he knows football
*Head coach whose worst mistake was hiring his dumbass son to run the offense
*Donovan McNabb being an Uncle Tom (and perhaps an Uncle Tim)
*REX GROSSMAN!!!
*Albert Haynesworth in training...worth the price of admission
*LaRon Landry doing mass amounts of steroids
*Orakpo being the token badass
*Chris Cooley hijinks

I think that the Skins could provide America with a very entertaining version of Hard Knocks just due to their horribleness and dysfunctionality. Seriously, wouldn't you just love to watch Haynesworth practice?  It would be better than any sitcom on TV.  Sonofabitch, I miss football. And because of stupid labor negotiations, we are all going to miss out on our NFL appetizer this year. Dickwads. Go to hell, Schwartz, you will not be nominated for Money Shot Man of the Year again with actions like that.  Yeah, that should sting.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

More Tips For Being A Shallow Man

Probably not named Judy.
There still isn't very much going on in the world of athletic competition (I'm looking at you, NFL), so I must dip back into my treasure trove of tremendous post ideas. Today will be no exception. After yesterday's post (and this week's site banner dedication) about the Canadian Crippler Casey Anthony and her bizarre trash-hotness, it got me thinking. Can you tell if a chick is hot based solely on a first name? Like I said, I knew nothing about this kid-kill case until Tuesday yet I had a pre-conceived notion that Casey was decent-looking just because I can see "Casey" being the name of a hot girl. Can't you? Also, tonight is the season premiere of the classic, BIG BROTHER. And since I have only seen the bios of this year's houseguests and not the pics, I am going in blind as to who will be spank bank material. But you can tell a lot by names. So as sort of a bastard sister to me post last month about stupid boy's names, today I unveil my list of hottest and ugliest girl's names.

Obviously, there has yet to be an attractive person named Ruth or Myrtle or Jean so we are going to throw those older school names out. We're also not going to use Skyler this time since Dut wants to name his future gay, lesion-covered son that even though it's a terrible name for any sex. Basically, this is how it works. Someone somewhere for some reason holds me in a dungeon and says that I have to bang some really hot chick to get out. The only rule is that he will only give me a name and I have to choose based on the name alone. If I fail, I don't know, i have to perform in donkey shows for the next decade or something. I would nail this choice because I have it all figured out. I guess you could also use this as a guidebook to ensure that your future daughter doesn't become hideous from day one, too. We're going to break this down into a "half empty" list and a "half full" list.

Half Empty AKA Uggo Names:
*Jody - Naptown Wolverine once buggered a girl named Jody. That is all you need to know. His story about the event is great though as it ends with "so I threw it in her butt". The man is all class.
*Sophie - This seems to be the name du jour these days and I have no idea why. It's gross. Sophie is fine when you are a kid but who wants to be called that when they are a teenager (same with Zoey). Those are kid names and unless you're Li'l Strut, no one wants to fuck a little girl.
*Morgan - The term "Power Bush" comes to mind with this name. It is not a pleasant thought.
*Leah - Wake me when she's named Leia and making out with her brother to piss off Harrison Ford.
*Emma/Eva - These are popular now. However "E" is a gay letter. And these are potential stripper names.  I consider these "fake hot" names.  They are there to fool you.  I will not be made a fool.
*Megan - Ugh. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Just say that name. Say it. How ugly does that name sound? Awful, huh? Granted, Meg Griffin and the writers of Family Guy did a lot to make this name horrible, but they didn't have to do that much. If you name your daughter, Megan, congratulations because in 18 years she will be the goalie on a club field hockey team who needs to get special order shorts due to her redwood-sized hips.  A hot Megan appears about as often as a total eclipse (of the heart).

Half Full AKA Pants Tent Names:
*Jessica - The hot/not hot ratio on this name probably used to be better a decade ago, but I still like those odds.
*Brittney - What can I say, my bone will never forget the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops I Did It Again" videos.
*Jamie - I'm not really sure why this name is fading. You've got a better than 60% chance of having a cute daughter with a name like that.
*Nikki/Nicole - You know what, no. Fuck Nicole. If you were born a Nicole and didn't adopt Nikki with 2 k's, you can get fucked. Prudes go by Nicole. Nikki's are down with a little slap and tickle.
*anything that ends with -ica - Danica, Erica, Veronica, Angelica...that's a solid suffix right there. Fun un-Fact: 85% of porn stars end their first name with -ica.
*anything that ends with -ara - Another good suffix. There are too many Sara's so there is bound to be a few turds that spoil that attractive punch bowl. But Tara and Kara are also solid hot chick names. There was a Kara in Iceman's class that was possibly the biggest whore of all time. Come to think of it, there was a Sarah in my class who was also the biggest whore of all time! And as long as you aren't white, Mr. Ace knows another Sara that knows how to work a shaft!  -ara's will treat you right!
*Lindsey - Have you ever met a hideous Lindsey? No, you have not. Why? Because they don't exist. Every Lindsey is good looking and drives a Jetta. That's a fucking fact.

Mmmmmm imaginary Lindsey...you never disappoint. Thoughts? Additions? Subtractions? The Pythagorean Theorem? Whatevs, just enjoy yourself some Julie Chen tonight. MEOW MEOW.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Casey Anthony Makes Mr. Ace Something, Something

(Yeah girl, you pop that jersey. Perfect fit.)

The World is Ending! The Casey Anthony trial is over, for now. I always love to see people's reactions to these things and Facebook and Twitter offer up quite the buffet of awesomeness:
-"Pathetic how liberal our judicial system has become." "How would our great grandparents feel in reguards to trials such as OJ's and Casey Anthony's..personally embarrassed!"
I agree. This was all Obama's fault! Fuck that guy!
-"Not guilty. Justice?"
Did she not just sit in jail for three years and then go through trial and found not guilty? Yes, justice.
-"Casey Anthony has the luck of a thousand catholic priests."
ZING
-"If Casey Anthony was in Africa we would send her to da village n let all the chiefs give her da mutumbo."
I have no idea what that means. But we need to send Casey Anthony to Africa asap to find out.
-@KimKardashian "WHAT!!!!???! CASEY ANTHONY FOUND NOT GUILTY!!!! I am speechless!" A response to that: "Were you speechless when your daddy got OJ off the hook?"
Ha.
-"Casey Anthony could have my child..."
Fantastic.

I didn't really follow this thing so I don't have much of an opinion other than the only reason anybody gives a fuck is because she is smoking hot. Seriously. How many babies are put in microwaves everyday by crackheads? The answer is 37. We don't hear anything about those radioactive babies, but Casey's sweet tits have the world buzzing. And now the same stupid people who are so appalled by the verdict will be the driving force behind the millions of dollars she makes via book deals and interviews. Well played, America. But yeah...Casey Anthony could have my child.

Oh yeah, and it's called reasonable fucking doubt, people.

Unspoken Bond. Last week I talked about Road Rage. I think that post just reinvigorated my raging abilities because I damn near started a 4th of July massacre on I-71. But in this rage I found a friend. A friend I will never see again. But a friend nonetheless.

I'm driving on 37 towards Sunbury, a smallish four lane highway, and there are two cars going the speed limit right next to each other. I loathe these people. The person in the right lane starts to pull ahead so I get over and hope to squeeze between the two once the car on the right pulls ahead far enough. But then the cum dumpster in the left lane gains speed to pull up beside the car on the right again. Now another guy, who is equally as pissed as I am, rides this chicks ass like he was Peter North, a black Peter North...which makes him Lexington Steele? He flashes his brights at her and this chick just throws her arm out the window as if she has abso-fucking-lutely no control over what her piece of shit car is doing right now. This just infuriates the guy even more. You can't even fit a piece of paper between their bumpers.

He eventually passes her, stops to pull even with her, and flips her the bird/yells obscenities at her. I have never met this man in my life. I don't know his name. I don't even really know what he looks like. But he could babysit my first born child, no questions asked. If you really want to know what kind of a person somebody is just spend an hour with them in a car. I swear if I ever am in a position to hire/interview people I will conduct my interviews in a car during rush hour on the highway.

Sports. I don't even know what to talk about. Do you want to talk about Kobiyashi and his fake world record? Maybe David Haye setting back boxing even further? Purdue walk-ons getting murdered? No sports? How about we talk about the fact that my new Droid Charge can stream porn in 4G?!?! Awww Yeeeeeah.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

So...What Did We Miss?

A bunch of nuggets of shit today...no real topic of sorts but a lot of little ones.  However, first, I must share yet another story.  This happened on Saturday night.

I was scheduled to umpire 4 games on Saturday for a big tourney in Dublin.  I had horrible ump-luck though.  Every one of my games took forever.  My 7 pm start took almost three hours to complete due to horrible teams.  My final game, which started at 10:20, was nice enough to go 11 innings.  I walked off the field at 1:18 AM.  I got to the park at 1:10 pm.  Long fucking day.  And I had another doubleheader (the semis and final of another tourney) beginning at 11 am on Sunday.  Anyway, I was starving so I stopped at McDonald's since they now advertise how they are open 24 hours on weekends.  Now, the McD's near my house is always Special Olympics-slow, so seeing a line of four cars at 2 AM on Sunday morning was no surprise. 

I was talking to Reba on the phone until 1:43 AM when it was my turn to order (my phone proves this to be true).  They asked me to wait.  Whatever, that's fine.  At 1:48, still nothing.  At 1:50, a car full of black dudes two cars back gets loud.

Blacks: Yo, get this line movin'!
Me: What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Blacks: Tell them to take your order!  (These idiots don't realize that the drive-thru isn't an open mic...probably because they have never had a job before.)
Me: FUCK YOU!

Now this was not very smart.  I understood this as soon as the words escaped my beautiful lips.  But the blacks must have thought that I was clearly insane because they shut up and drove away.  Me 1, MLK Jr. 0.  At 1:57, the dumb bitch finally comes back to the drive-thru, after I had been waiting to place an order for FOURTEEN minutes.  Then this happened...

McD's Bitch: I'm sorry, could you please wait a little longer?  We are switching over to the breakfast menu.
I lost it.  That was it.  It wasn't even 2 AM and they were going to breakfast.  I went nuts.
G$:  You've got to be fucking kidding me!  Fuck you!  FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!

And then I sped off to go to White Castle instead which is way more delicious anyway.  I was so goddamn pissed off.  Normally, since I have worked in the food service industry before, I don't yell at the staff or blame them, but this time was different.  You don't make fuckers wait for 15 minutes only to ask them to wait longer and then change shit.  That is bullshit.  Now, I vow that if I ever win the lottery, the first thing I will do is burn that McD's to the ground.  I promise (just like my promise to burn The Q).  The moral of the story is this:  black people are afraid of me and yelling at a drive-thru menu is incredibly cathartic.  On with the sports shit that we may have missed last week.

*Is there anything more pointless than All-Star selections?  I think not.  I don't usually cry about it but I am a little concerned that CC didn't get included.  I mean, CJ Wilson?  Really?  But then I realized that if I don't like it, then we shouldn't have lost the ALCS to Tyrone Biggums last year.  He was selling all-star spots this year for crack rocks.  Or in Verlander's case, crystal meth.  Is there a worse position than catcher in the AL and 3B in the NL?  I think not.  Alex Avila, Russell Martin, and Placido Polanco are the most forgettable "stars" ever.  AND WHERE IS MR. SHUTOUT, BARTOLO COLON???  Fuck that, I guess I do take the team selection seriously.

*Big Papi thinks that the Home Run Derby is interesting.  He is wrong.  And if you like the Derby, you are a moron.  Everyone knows that the only decent event over All-Star Week is the Celebrity Softball game.  When are they going to release those rosters, dammit!  I need to know if Andy Richter is playing first base again!  Is Fred Lynn coming back?  Will Nelly still be playing a Gold Glove-caliber outfield?  Is Meat Loaf returning?

*Terrelle Pryor worked with Jon Gruden.  Yawn.  I didn't think that he helped himself.  Gruden asked him to call a play and he started laughing in the middle of it.  And he just sounds stupid.  Think about it, how many successful NFL QB's sound like fucktards?  None.  You can teach a guy how to play quarterback, but you can't make an idiot smart.  Pryor makes Vick sound like Tom Brady.

*I don't really understand what was wrong about what Oregon did.  Maybe I'm not reading into this correctly, but the Ducks paid some guy to put together a recruiting report for them with Texas kids.  The report was a bunch of shit.  A few kids from Mexico's Hat ended up at Oregon anyway.  End of story.  So what was the big deal.  Am I missing something?  From what I can tell, Oregon is only guilty of paying a dipshit for services that he could not really provide.  This seems like an issue for Li'l Strut to deconstruct.

*Hope Solo is sort of hot, but other than that, FUCK AMERICA.  I am sick of ESPN telling me that the women's World Cup is something worth my attention.  Nope, not going to happen.  I hope they lose.  This sport needs to die in our great nation.  Kids shouldn't want to waste their time and energy on this wuss activity.  GO EVERYONE ELSE!

*Hey Dut, you are white trash.  I don't get why people like to go out on the Maumee River.  It's a disgusting place, Poopson is probably out there, and if you want to drink in 100 degree heat, go play a round of golf.  Explain the allure of the Maumee to me, please?  But use words that don't make you sound like a rube.  I bet that you can't do it.

That about covers it.  I think.  Now let's all sit back and watch Derek Jeter get his 3000th hit in Cleveland this week in front of 400 Tribe fans.  Because they are great fans who respect the game!

***By the way, I set up the league for season 9 of the G$FL.  A few of you are in.  If you are not and have been bottom feeders in the league recently, check your email.  We will be drafting the Sunday before Labor Day weekend, goddammit.  Dut stole this date from me last year but not this year, bitch.