Monday, January 31, 2011

Ohio State Is Going To Win The National Title

We sort of got started on this topic last week and I held off on my opinion to preserve this post.  And here it comes.  And it doesn't feel right but it needs to be said.  And as much as I hate having these feelings, I can't help but knowing that they are accurate and likely true.  As the title of this post states, Ohio State is going to win the national title in two months.  I think I'm going to be sick.

Drew has accused me here and in person of being a closet Ohio State basketball fan.  It took all of my inner strength not to rip out his throat.  But I do have to admit that this collection of guys aren't very hate-able.  Other than that waste of life shooting guard, they all seem like good guys.  In the past, it was easy to hate them.  Evan Turner was a whiny bitch, BJ Mullens was white trash, KoKo's mom tried to run the team, and Oden/Conley just used the school as a stepping stone to the NBA.  At least that is why I hated those teams.  But there is something different this year.  Buford could have left early but stuck around to get better (which I respect).  Lighty has fought through injuries to become a really good leader.  Aaron Craft plays the game the right way.  Lauderdale has set aside his crippling problem with premature baldness to bang for 15-20 minutes a game.  And Jared Sullinger has about the most "in-check" ego I've ever seen from an 18 year old kid about to become a millionaire (which is refreshing).  Damn Thad Matta for assembling a team of character!  I need more scumbags (besides Rat Boy) to root against!

At a bar on Saturday, I told Damman that I was writing this.  He was impressed that I would be so humbled to write something like this.  While getting into the idea surrounding this post, we both agreed that this team has NO weaknesses.  None.  Go ahead and try to think of can't.  Sure, they are susceptible to deep teams that play fast and if they aren't shooting well from outside, they could be in trouble.  But I wouldn't be too worried about that.  Here are my reasons for why this team will be cutting down the nets in Houston come early April.

No more zone - Only cunts play zone.  Good teams with good coaching staffs play man-to-man.  This is why I hate Syracuse and always root against them.  When you have the athletes, you are wasting them by playing a pussy 2-3 zone.  It is fag-ball.  I have no respect for zone teams at all.  Their pussy defense was why I hated OSU over the last handful of years but they have scrapped that this season.  And it's why I have no respect for John Bielein (and he looks like he fucks dead kids).

Free throws - Other than Lighty, everyone on the floor at the end of games can be relied upon to make their freebies in the clutch.  How many times this year already have they iced games at the line?

Point guard play - You don't need a Chris Paul to win it all but you do need someone who can make plays.  Aaron Craft might be the team MVP.  The kid can play but then again, I'm a sucker for white kids dominating the point guard position.

Wings that can shoot AND get to the rim - We're going to just ignore the worst player in the nation on this one.  Dinosaur Head Buford has a wet jumper and while Lighty making threes are a miracle, he's never going to force anything and he finishes well at the rack.

Unselfish superstar - Sullinger sort of reminds me of Carmelo.  Not with the skill set but the sort of impact he makes as a freshman.  He can score at will but he's also smart enough to pass out of double teams.  A sneaky positive of his game is that he rarely gets into foul trouble.  Right now, most NBA mock drafts have him going fifth (which is proposterous), I see him using the tournament to get up into the top 2.

Defensive force in the middle - Dallas Lauderdale, other than having a badass name, is pretty terrible on the offensive end.  There is a reason why he doesn't even get passed to.  But on the other end, he rebounds and swats the shit into the upper deck.  He knows his role and that is important.  It's the same thing with that Thomas kid.  He knows that his job is to come and put up points.  So far, so good.

Experience counts - Yes, they count on freshmen.  But they also have good senior leaders in Lighty, Lauderdale, and Rat Boy.  Never forget that Ohio State gets everyone's best games which makes every game feel like a tourney game.  And that sort of thing helps come March.  When you've seen everything, nothing should surprise you in the tournament.

Who cares if they are winning games by 5 or less against crappy teams recently.  That just shows that they know how to close out close games.  And that makes them even more dangerous.  I've always said that I don't really think that Matta is the greatest coach out there, but he has sick deep and experienced talent that it shouldn't matter this March.

As I said earlier, I think a healthy Duke is probably a better team but who knows if Erving will be back.  A deep team with skilled bigs could present issues which makes me think that San Diego State could give them a good game.  Also, if they matched up in the Sweet 16 with a team like Missouri that plays 200 mph for 40 minutes, that could spell doom.  But I wouldn't worry too much about that.  Niche teams rarely advance far in the tournament.

So there you go, a nice post about the Buckeye Basketball team.  If it ends up being true, look at how smart I am!  If they choke, what an excellent reverse jinx I put on them!  I win either way (not really, the bandwagon fans will surely make my life a living hell).  I will be at the Michigan/Ohio State game on Thursday night.  The tickets are coming from the coaching staff (I had to give personal info to the NCAA!) so they better be courtside.  I want to be able to spit on Diebler and Zack Novak.

Friday, January 28, 2011


Now that football is ending, your alcoholism is your only friend.
After yesterday's novel that I wrote, I was worried that I would suffer from blogger's block.  And I was...until about 10 pm when it hit me.  Drinking Games.  Leading into our first football-free weekend in a long time, it seems apt for everyone to get blackout drunk.  So let's get the weekend started right with our favorite and least favorite drinking games.  Head on down to your local drive-thru, pick up a case of High Life, and get ready to put that box on your head, bitches.

G$'s Favorites:
Presidents and Assholes (or P's & A's or just ASSHOLE) - I love this game because I am a dickhead and it's great to abuse the little power that you have.
Hour Of Power - Excellent.  Always leads to someone puking.  You wouldn't think that a shot of beer every minute for an hour would do much, but it will destroy you.  I have never had the balls to attempt the Century Club though.  That sounds like suicide.
Fuck The Dealer - Obviously, I prefer card games.
Clavsky (sp?) - I believe that this game originated in Bowling Green and it's always enjoyable to make someone do 8-16 drinks.
Back-Stabbin' Bitch - This is a favorite of Big Strut and I don't blame him. 

OK, but not my sort of thing:
Beer Bongs - I suck at chugging
Kegstands - I still suck at chugging although the time that Naptown Wolverine did one and threw up into the nozzle and all over Burgei's new deck was priceless.
Kings - I do not care for the mish-mash of different beers in the King's Cup.
Boxhead - I don't remember the rules but I'm sure it was fun.
Buckeye Basketball Drinking Game

Quarters - Ugh, do you know where those quarters have been?
Beer Pong (or Beirut) - I think that Drew is really good at this.  I have never won once at Pong.  It is revolting to think of how dirty those little balls get.
Flip Cup - Amateur game for women.  I stand by this.  Real men don't play Flip Cup.  They play "Drink The Beer".

Ummm, that's about all that I can remember right now.  I'm sure that I forgot something.  That is where you come in.  Let's all get hammered this weekend but not too drunk that you can't root for my Beloved Blue Shirts on Sunday evening.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Big Ben Is Elite...Deal With It

Jay Cutler would have went on IR with this broken nose.
***WARNING - this is very long***My goal today is not to make everyone like Ben Roethlisberger (because that will never ever happen).  My goal is to make you all acknowledge that he is an elite quarterback worthy of being in the same discussion as Tom Brady.  Many of you shared your perspective on Monday.  Today, I use the only thing that I have to prove you all wrong.  While the commentariat tried to belittle his achievements with opinions that were not really true, I will use FACTS.  Stone cold truths that prove your theories wrong and I will also take your points and turn them around to make you see things for what they are.  Get ready for some iron-clad proof that I am right and you are wrong.  Hell, around my neighborhood, they call me "Sergeant Facto Judson" (what an obscure Simpsons reference!).  So as hard as it might be to set aside Ben's off-field issues, let's take a deep look into the quarterback.  Pay attention, you will learn something today.

Anon said: He will never be as good as Brady, Manning. Favre. Marino, Elway. and should never be in the same sentence as Montana.
--We will see about Brady.  Other than his 50 touchdown with no Super Bowl season, he hasn't really racked up the numbers.  And his reputation for being a winner has taken a pretty sizeable hit over the past 5 years.  Peyton and Favre have one ring each with very good talent and have ended more seasons with stupid decisions than they have saved them.  Dan Marino isn't even welcome into this conversation.  John Elway never won anything without Terrell Davis and Mike Shanahan...should we hold that against him?  While Montana was amazing, he was never a numbers monger.  He wouldn't have been a top fantasy football pick.  He just won playoff games and Super Bowls.  Period.  Sound familiar?

Iceman said:  There's no one you would rather have in the 4th quarter because no other team's defense allows the QB to still make plays that matter in the 4th quarter by successfully masking all of the mistakes he made in the first three quarters. Who has a 35 QB rating in the AFC championship game?
--Huh?  I'm not even sure that that first run-on sentence made sense.  For as good as the Steelers defense is, they've still given up over 21 points per game at home in the playoffs against average (at best) offenses.  Sure, his numbers against that very good Jets defense weren't great, but he made all the plays down the stretch that he needed to which he has done throughout his career which pretty much defines clutch.  And if you didn't notice, every QB last weekend seemed a bit off.  But that wasn't even in the top 3 for your dumbest comments on Monday.

Mr. Ace said:  Playing for the Steelers has made his career much more than it should be. He's no Tom Brady. He's more like Trent Dilfer.
--You say this as if winning a Super Bowl were the easiest thing possible.  Like we could all get together, form a really unathletic team, and just watch the Lombardi trophies come rolling in.  Can we maybe say that Tom Brady is overrated?  He hasn't won a playoff game in four years and lost the last three games (NYG, BAL, and NYJ) when his team was a HEAVY favorite in all of them.  And why don't we attack Brady for having bastard kids all over the country one of the best head coaches in football history?  This is a huge double standard.  Does Brady only have one Super Bowl with Joe Nedney instead of Adam Vinatieri?  I don't know, but it's something to consider.  You don't win titles as a one man band.  "Game managers" don't win multiple championships.

Dut said:  If I were starting a franchise, I would not pick Big Ben as my franchise QB. He is solid, but I think the Steelers are still in the superbowl with at least 15 other QBs in this league. I evaluate QBs based on if you remove them from the team. Take away Ben and the Steelers are still elite. Take away Manning and the Colts are the Browns.
--Ironically, Dut, the Steelers did just what you said that you wouldn't do 7 years ago and it has worked out pretty well for them.  I am amazed that you are not working in the front office for some team.  15?  Again, you make it sound so simple.  Rivers had the best defense in the league this year and couldn't make the playoffs.  Tony Romo has incredible talent all over the field and has one playoff win.  Donovan McNabb was the same way.  And to be quite honest, if you swapped Peyton to the Steelers for this postseason, I don't think that they are still playing.  I've seen Peyton suck too much under the bright lights to trust him.  I see your point though about the Steelers still being pretty good, but they wouldn't be elite.  They would be more like the Jets and the Ravens.  Playoff teams, but not really a Super Bowl contender.  And if Ben played the last 7 years with the Colts, don't you think that Indy would have more than 1 Super Bowl win?  I do.

Iceman said:  Raper was so bad in the last Super Bowl, Pittsburgh almost lost (if not for a Steeler defensive TD to close the half) to a team that barely made the playoffs. Raper's first SB win is still the worst statistic game of any SB winning QB. How are we being haters? He wins on the heels of a great defense and probably the best defensive coordinator in the history of football. Put him on any other team and his success is cut in half. Fact.
--To Iceman, this equals bad:  21-30/256/1 TD/1 INT/93.2 Rating.  Yep, that Harrison touchdown ended the game right there, didn't it?  Forget about Fitzgerald's touchdown with 2 minutes left (in which no one covered him) for Arizona to take the lead.  MEANINGLESS.  Let's also ignore that 90 yard drive Ben led to win it and featured one of the greatest throws-and-catches in Super Bowl history.  HARRISON WON THE GAME.  That Cardinals team got pretty damn hot at the right time and they were quarterbacked by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Warner.  There have been worse teams in the Super Bowl.  Do we look down on Brady's two wins against McNabb and Delhomme?  Of course not because then we would be acknowledging the double standard!  And sure, in 2005 when he became the youngest QB to ever win a Super Bowl, he didn't play well at all.  But let's not forget who got them to Detroit.  They won three road games to get there.  Ben's numbers, you ask?  49-72, 7 touchdowns, 1 pick.  Outstanding.  Please, I would love to see your list of the greatest defensive coordinators in league history.  And again, these are not facts that you present.  They are opinions.  I present facts.

Iceman said even more:  What won the game was the defense...nearly shutting out the Jets in the first half and making an enormous goal line stand in the 4th to preserve a small lead. Give credit to the strength of your team for Christ sake. Brady has 4 titles playing on that team. Maybe more.
--What is it with you and ending games at halftime?  Had the Jets just run Shonn Greene 4 times, that defense likely gives up 24 points to Mark Sanchez.  The strength of the Steelers:  defense, wide receiver, and a play-making quarterback.  You do realize that they have had a very average running game ever since he's been around which makes sense because that offensive line is terrible.  How many Pro Bowlers has Brady had blocking for him and keeping him clean?  Want to know how many the Steelers have had:  2 and one of them was a rookie this year (the other being Faneca who left the team three-four years ago).  That makes a big difference when you can fluff your hair in the pocket for ten seconds as opposed to running for your life as soon as the snap gets to you.

Iceman yet again:  Any time your starting quarter back sits out for whatever reason (motorcycle accident, emergency surgery, rape) and the team doesn't suffer in the win/loss column you can see where the strength of the team is. For Pittsburgh that strength has always been and will always be the defense.
--Ah yes, all of these examples that you gave caused him to miss a whole FIVE games in 7 years.  Whoopty-fucking-doo.  That is hardly definitive proof that they would be just the same without him.  What happened when he was out with his concussions and the Steelers lost?  Can we count those games here?  And are you implying that the Steelers are a playoff team with Byron Leftwich and/or Charlie Batch and/or Dennis Dixon?  Surely you jest.  That is flat out absurd.

Look, I don't want to make you all look and feel as stupid as you are.  You were just born ignorant and are trying to deal with it.  I get it.  But this is what I know:
*His career playoff record is 10-2
*The Steelers have a below average offensive line and an average at best running game
*Bruce Arians is a very shaky offensive coordinator
*You can't win a title just on defense
*He is 2-0 in Super Bowls
*He is going for his third ring in 7 years
*I wouldn't want any other QB to have the ball in the 4th quarter of a playoff game
*As vague as this sounds, he just makes plays

In essence, he's the best winner in football right now.  It doesn't always shows up in the stats but when the game is on the line, there is no one better than Ben.  And that is why I compared him to Derek Jeter on Monday.  I will even take it a step further with another comparison.  He is the ultimate closer in the game currently.  He is a white trash Mariano Rivera.  Just answer me this, if you had to win ONE playoff game, who would you rather have? You're lying if you say anyone else and I have history on my side to prove it.
Now, I don't want you to think that this is a homer post because it isn't.  I truly believe that he did what he was accused of in Georgia but got away with it.  And one day, karma is going to get him for it.  But you know what, I don't care.  You look at everything I just laid out there and tell me that that isn't elite.  Tell me.  Because if you even think otherwise, you are dead wrong.  I hate Mike Vick for what he did but my fat ass doesn't care when he's entertaining the shit out of me on Sundays.  Same thing here.  Respect him for what he of the best quarterbacks and winners in the game.  Elite quarterbacks are made on the field, not on stat sheets.  GMoney has spoken.

Oh Great, A Colon-oscopy

Pinstripes aren't THAT slimming.
Who needs Cliff Lee or Zack Greinke when you can beef up your AAA rotation with Mark Prior and this Lardosaurus:

The Yankees are taking a chance on Bartolo Colon in their quest for another quality arm in the starting rotation.  The team said it has signed the right-hander to a one-year, minor league deal with an invitation to spring training. He could earn $900,000 if he makes the big league roster.
For all of you that think that the Yankees are bad for baseball, I accept your apology for being pants-shittingly wrong.  If it weren't for the Yankees, then maybe YOUR team would sign horrible players like Prior, Colon, Russell Martin, and Andruw Jones.  Did you ever think about that?  Well?  DID YA!

At least the equipment manager can finally get David Wells' old uniform/tarp out of storage for the worst Cy Young winner ever.  God dammit, Brian Cashman is a turd.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Hump Day Dump: Wednesday Is Gettin' A Little Gay

The NBA All-Star game is coming up which means it's time for the players to hit the youtube's and gain some votes. Cris Bosh has done this before and was supposedly funny, or at least that's what ESPN made you believe. Funny athletes are like decent looking female athletes. If Danica Patrick couldn't drive a race car she would just be another meth addicted Denny's waitress, but she drives a race car so people are compelled to call her hot. Hell, Amanda Beard posed for Playboy! She looks like Sigourney Weaver's ugly brother. But I digress.

Rudy Gay put out a video, "Most Interesting Man in the NBA", and if he wasn't a professional athlete you would think it was created as a promo for the Special Olympics.
But he plays for the semi-pro Grizzlies so people care. Well I don't fucking care and I've brought in Rudy Gay to let him know.

Ace: Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
Gay: Stop it.
Ace: Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
Gay: Seriously.
Ace: I only know two people named Rudy and one of them wasn't even a real person and eventually became a hobbit in Lord of the Rings. So when I get the chance to chant Rudy, I have to take it.
Gay: I understand.
Ace: And fake Rudy was a lot more interesting. And white. How does a black man get named Rudy?
Gay: Well, my dad was always a fan of-
Ace: Boring! Guess what the name of the guy was who Rudy sacked in his final play at Notre Dame?
Gay: I have no idea.
Ace: Rudy fucking Allen. Rudy sacked Rudy, Rudy. I can see it in your face; mind fucking blown.
Gay: What the fuck am I here for?

Ace: Oh yeah, sorry. I watched your youtube video. How did you come up with that idea?
Gay: We wanted to do something original that no other player had ever done. Something people would love.
Ace: So you copied off the greatest commercial personality ever? If the most interesting man in the world was here right now he would probably let you kick his ass just so he could know what it feels like to get his ass beat by a queer named Rudy.
Gay: Fuck this.
Ace: Oh come on, I'm just joking. Sort of. I mean, your video sucked, but the most interesting man in the world would totally kick your ass. And I'm not completely sold on your homosexuality. You want to see how to do a video? Check this out:
Ace: That is comedic dynamite!
Gay: How is that going to get me to the All-Star game?
Ace: How is it not? Everybody hates Lebron! Do your own Lebortion video making fun of a bunch of NBA players. Throw on a Greg Oden mask and send out some dong shots. Make fun of Brent Berry for letting Tony Parker near his wife. Rip on any athlete who ever associates themselves with somebody named Candy Deepsthroat and is then surprised when her ethics are less then questionable. Go after Rashad McCants for sucking at basketball and playing the role of a bi-sexual shoplifting gangster in a web series with Traci Lords. This shit is too easy. If you would have made that video you would have more votes than Yao Ming.
Gay: You think so?
Ace: I fucking know it. Or if you don't want to offend your peers go with a video like this:
Ace: Mark Titus went from blogger boyfriend of Evan Turner to blogger boyfriend of Evan Turner with the greatest youtube basketball fundamentals video ever! Now he's just an annoying disappointment, but you don't have to be that.
Gay: Damn, I went about this all wrong. Your insight is incredible.
Ace: You're welcome.

Ace: Before you go I just want to do a little rapid fire question segment.
Gay: Sorry, I have to get going, but-
Ace: How big is Diana Taurasi's dick?
Gay: 7.5 inches.
Ace: ...Damn. How disappointed were you that Jim Calhoun waited until 2010 to finally have his health force him to take a leave of absence?
Gay: Very. I sold weed just to damage his health.
Ace: Last one. You've played with both of them, which Gasol has the bigger dong?
Gay: Marc. Easily.
Ace: Really? I thought for sure Pau's camel cock would be the answer.
Gay: Cool.

Ace: Well, thanks Gay. It's been a pleasure.
Gay: Call me Rudy.
Ace: Whatever, fag.

The ACEterview is back, bitches.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

And The Diebler Song Was On...

You'll have to forgive me.  I promised a big and researched post regarding why Big Ben is 1 or 1A in the current quarterbacking landscape.  Unfortunately, I feel like shit and want to make sure that that post is done the right way.  So it's coming on Thursday instead.  Why?  I'm coughing every four seconds.  I ache.  I suck.  I feel like Al Davis's face...or this video.

Other than this being the worst thing that I've ever seen, let's indulge the fake, fair weather Buckeye hoops fans and let them talk about their #1 ranking today.  Big test tonight with Purdue (I think that one time commenter, Damman, is going).  The schedule has been sort of soft thus far but we'll get a good sense of who they are tonight.  Do you believe in this team?  I'm going to save my big and in depth thoughts on this for a later date.

What kills me the most is that Jon Diebler, who is absolute garbage, is 14 three pointers away from being the Big Ten all-time leader.  How can I take the conference seriously when Rat Boy (a less complete player than Zack Novak!) could own a record?  Embarrassing.

Either way, step up today, commenters.  I need some help much like the way that Aaron Craft's narc ass needs to hit puberty.  BOILER UP!

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Worst of the Conference Championships Vol.IV

Jay Cutler got "hurt"?  I'LL DRINK TO THAT!
Before we get going with the football, I need to address something first.  Thursday, Columbus was hit with a pretty decent-sized snowstorm.  I think it was like 3 or 4 inches.  Not too bad but more than enough to make my commute to and from work horrible.  Fortunately, my in-laws bought us a snowblower this past Spring which makes no snowstorm too tough for me.  I don't know how I've ever lived without one of these things.  I want to fuck my snowblower.  What normally would have taken me 90 minutes or so to do with manual labor, I can now clear the driveway in 15-20 minutes and not have a sore back for a week.  It fucking rules.  Hell, I'm such a great guy that I cleared the sidewalks for my neighbors.  And they both thanked me.  Like a good neighbor, G$ and his badass snowblower is there!  But here is my problem...not all of the people on my street shovel their sidewalks.  That infuriates me to no end.

Look assholes, if you take the time to shovel your driveway, take the fucking time to clean up your sidewalk.  It will take you an extra 15 minutes tops.  As a guy who walks his dog every night, I'm afraid that one day I'm going to blow out my knee trying to trek through this shit.  And then I will sue the fucking pants off of the owners of the property.  I'm half-tempted just to take the snowblower all the way down the street just to make sure that it gets done.  The other half of me considers breaking his leg on purpose just to teach everyone a lesson.  It's fucking bullshit.  FIX YO' SIDEWALKS.  But enough of my neighborhood discontent, let's talk FOOTBALL!!!

James Brown - On the CBS pregame show, he conducted an interview with the E-trade baby.  Seriously.  That had to have been the low point in his career and he spent years sitting next to Terry Bradshaw.

Carson Palmer - Let me get this straight, he wants a trade out of Cincy or he's going to retire?  What a fag.  Look, asking to get out of that franchise is not a big surprise since it's the worst organization in football but saying that you are going to retire is such an empty threat.  Palmer isn't going to do that.  He still has at least five more years of mediocre QB play in him.  The Bengals should call his bluff.  Let's see if he's a man of his word.

Jay Cutler - What a pussy.  At no point did we see any play in which he could have possibly hurt his knee yet he bails on pretty much all of the second half.  That is what I like to see.  My least favorite QB being a total bitch at the biggest moment of the season.  How many times did he miss Hester for touchdowns in the first half?  It was at least twice, might have been thrice.  He was fucking awful when he played though so it was probably for the best because then we got to see...

THE GOLDEN ARM OF TODD COLLINS!!! - My dad put it best, "Ex-Redskins are not difference makers".  Couldn't have said it better!  It was nice to see ol' Golden Arm out there again though.  He was brilliant.

Lovie Smith - Damn, that took some balls to put in your emergency QB and leave yourself with no options if Hanie and his excellent mustache got hurt.  I wonder what they would have done.  Maybe Hester in the wildcat?  Can Julius Peppers throw?  I bet they would have went with Brad Maynard.  MAC represent!

Mike Martz - 3rd and 2 and you run an Earl Bennett wide receiver sweep?  That is awful.  When that play came in, Hanie should have Moxon'ed him and just ran something else.

Bears Halftime Show - Who the fuck is Lee DeWyze?  American Idol is fucking trash.

Aaron Rodgers - He wasn't great but I'm not going to put that entirely on him.  The Bears defense played REALLY well and continually got to him.  Keep in mind, with every playoff win for Rodgers, it only makes Colin Cowherd even more wrong.  And I like that.

My pride - I've spent the last four years talking about how much AJ Hawk sucks and how he is a bust, but I apologize because the guy has been great this year.  He figured something out to make him a solid player and that is commendable.  His wife is still ugly though.

Final take on the NFC Playoffs - Without question, the best team won.  That defense is just sick.  I can't say this enough, but NO ONE wants to watch the Bears play.  They are just a dull and poorly coached team.  They would have ruined the Super Bowl.  Well done by the Packers though, I'll be rooting for them in two weeks.

Jim Nantz - Can we all agree that he sucks?   He really, truly blows.  I thought it was awesome when Jimmy was sooooo sure that Sanchez's arm was going forward and FEEL SEEMS kept telling him that he was wrong.  I like that SEEMS.  FEEL needs to keep putting the Butler Cabin Buttfucker in his place.

Ed Hochuli - Everyone thinks that he's adorable because he can bicep curl a Camry, but it's annoying how much he talks.  He uses 45 words when 5 words are necessary.  Like if a guy jumps offside, he will include the offending player's name, height, weight, hometown, social security number, and penis size.  Other than the penis size, everything else is irrelevant.

Shaun Suisham - Had a kickoff go out of bounds.  Still sucks.

Maurkice Pouncey - Jesus Christ, does a Steeler O-lineman get hurt every week?  It seems like they do.  They have to have, like, four left.  I fully expect them to move Byron Leftwich to his natural position of left tackle.

Rex Ryan - Where the hell was the Jets' swagger in the first half?  They looked scared which is something that I didn't think that that team would ever be.  They let Mendenhall, a good back but nothing special, tear them to shreds.  If this is the best that they could give this week, they should have just let the Patriots win last week.  Because that was pathetic.  It's almost as if beating New England was their Super Bowl.

Big Ben - Eh, he was alright but he's played a lot better in the playoffs.  I actually thought that Sanchez outplayed him.  But Ben converts third downs.  Either way, he gets the chance to win his third ring in two weeks and be 1 and 1a with Tom Brady when it comes to the best QB's of all time. 

Brian Schottenheimer - Horrible play-calling on the goalline.  Horrible clock management in the 4th quarter.  Just a horrible coaching job.  Considering his horrible father's horrible playoff track record, this was not a coincidence.

Final Take on the AFC Playoffs - Just like the NFC, the best team moves on.  But I can't help be concerned from the shitty play of the Steelers in the 2nd half.  And why didn't the Jets go for 2?  I could have gotten a push out of that.  I suck.

So we've got a Packers/Steelers Super Bowl in Dallas.  I can live with that.  I already know who I'm rooting for.  Either way, we've got the fattest fans in the league going head-to-head with the ugliest and white trashiest fans in the league.  Ugh, the next two weeks are going to suck.

Friday, January 21, 2011

My Picks Resemble Al Davis

I have to admit that I just don't have the touch this winter.  I went into the bowl season and NFL postseason with more than double the bankroll that I started with yet that has been whittled away slowly but surely over the past month.  I don't know what has happened.  I'm not betting with my heart.  I'm trying to see these things through logically.  But I think I know what's happening...I'm trying to out-think the room and in turn am way over-thinking things.  And that's my fault, but you don't want to hear about that.  We've got football coming this weekend and both games should be pretty entertaining.  First though, let's talk about Al Davis.

One, Tom Cable did not deserve to get fired.  Two, every time the Raiders fire their coach, old Al comes out of his coffin for a wildly entertaining press conference without looking in the mirror first.  And three, good God, how is he still alive?!?!?!  His teeth are black.  His eyes are more red than white.  He has fucking pulsating boils on his forehead.  And it appears that the gash on his forehead, horribly covered up by two band-aids, would reveal his skull.  This man is terrifying.  If you look at him long enough, you will get ill.  So let's move along to the picks portion of the post before we all start projectile vomiting.  The standings, please?

11-5:  Drew
10-6:  Tony B
9-7:  Jeff, mdrgolf
8-8:  Naptown Wolverine, Grumpy, Iceman, Andrew
5-11:  G$, Dut, Mr. Ace--just fucking awful, fellas

Green Bay (-3) @ Chicago O/U 43
If I could go back and look at every bet I made for NFL games this year, I know for almost a fact that I never won a Bears game.  All damn year.  While the Jets are my playoff betting nemesis, the Bears are my all season enemies.  I continue to believe that this team isn't good and that Cutler will kill them.  But it hasn't happened yet.  And I think one thing that is commendable about this team is that they aren't buying into their own hype.  They just focus and play solid football.  They are the anti-Jets so to speak.

On the otherhand, the Packers are finally showing what guys like me thought all along...they are really freaking good.  The defense has been outstanding over the last month and now they get Jay Cutler outdoors in late January.  Wow.  Aaron Rodgers appears to be making the leap this postseason into the discussion of best QB's playing.  And it is well deserved.  He has a great touchdown celebration and has eclipsed Brett Favre.  Is it scary to take a road favorite?  Not really.  Don't outsmart yourself here.  The Packers are the better team.  They have a better offense and defense.  I think that Bears fans know this and are praying for an off night from Green Bay.  Ask yourself this before making your play:  Rodgers or Cutler?  Dom Capers or Mike Martz?  I think that Green Bay takes it to them right away by scoring on their first possession and it really isn't that close.    I'll lay the field goal and take the over.  Packers 27-17.

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh (-3.5) O/U 38
Alright, I spent two days this week talking about how much I dislike the Steelers but it's time to get over it.  Let's realize something here, Big Ben is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning and is clearly the #2 guy if we arbitrarily ranked them (behind Rex Grossman, of course).  Ben will be retired (or incarcerated) before he loses 10 playoff games.  Yet I worry about him this week.  The Jets can get to the passer and the Steelers o-line sucked even before they all got hurt.  This might honestly be Ben's toughest game in the playoffs because the heat is coming and it won't stop.  Troy Polamalu definitely has to play better than he did against Baltimore because I want to see some awesome Troy and Shonn Greene collisions.

The Jets.  The most impossible team to figure out ever.  I mean seriously, who is going to bet on Mark Sanchez on the road!  Yet he's 4-1 in the playoffs.  It's maddening.  The Jets feel like a team that is peaking at the perfect time much like the Packers are.  But while Indy and NE are tough, going to Pittsburgh is a whole different game.  Here's the thing though, the Jets know that they can win there.  They aren't afraid of the Steelers.  Hell, the Jets aren't afraid of anyone.  Rex Ryan has his swagger back.  Apparently, all he needed was his wife's vagina to pop up on the internet.  I continue to believe that Shaun Suisham will cost the Steelers a game but Nick Folk (who looks like that Loughner kid in Tucson) is just as bad.  Ugh, I don't know where to go here...when in doubt take the points.  Does it really matter though?  Whoever wins is going to beat the Bears but lose to the Packers.  Fuck it, give me the underdog and the under.  Jets 20-17.

So look at my record and then look at my picks.  I have the Super Bowl being both six seeds which will never ever happen and just shows how off I am here.  Maybe the smart money is just to moneyline parlay the Bears and Steelers then.  Nah, ain't no fucking way that Jay Cutler is playing in a Super Bowl.  He's banging one of the broads from The Hills, for fuck's sake.  Enjoy the games, see you all on Monday to break them down.

He Can't Be Worse Than Sergio Mitre

We still talkin' 'bout burgers?
Let me sneak a baseball post in here before we start doing our football picks.  Now, the Yankees have decided that since they can't upgrade the lineup or the starting rotation, they are just going to have the sickest bullpen in the game instead.  It's not a bad move when you think about it.  Shorten games to 6 or 7 innings if you have the horses to do so.  Getting there could be a large problem though.

So last week, the Steinbrenner Boys go against Brian Bitchman's wishes and sign Rafael Soriano to a ridiculously large deal that pays him 8 figures to slam the door in the 8th inning.  I don't particularly like it because while money isn't an issue for the Yankees, paying big money for setup men has NEVER worked for anyone.  This is no exception.  But I'm coming around on it a bit because:
1. Soriano could be the closer-in-waiting like a latino Jimbo Fisher or something.
2. If you call him an "8th inning closer", it sounds better than "set-up guy"
3. I have a SORIANO t-shirt jersey that I kept for the last handful of years and now I can wear it again.

But the bullpen was sick nasty even before Soriano was brought into the mix.  It was the starting rotation that was the issue.  I like Ivan Nova and there apparently are a ton of young, live arms in the minors, but the Yankees win now so I don't expect much help from Scranton.  The idea of throwing Sergio Mitre 25-30 times is about as unattractive as Dennis Martinez's mustache.  Here's the thing, and Cashman is against this (go figure) but the Boys should overrule him again:

Now is the time to move Joba back to being a starter.  All he has to do is beat out Mitre.  I could do that.  Don't trade him now when he has zero value.  Don't make him a 6th inning guy because that is a waste.  Give him one last shot to make it in the rotation.  The bullpen will be fine without him.  Hell, he's the 4th option as RHP relievers anyway.

That makes sense to me.  Take all the stupid fucking "Joba Rules" away and let the guy pitch.  If he blows out his arm, then it wasn't meant to be.  But I'm tired of this pussy shit with him.  Let the guy throw.  And that probably means that Cashman will cut him in favor of signing Andruw Jones.  Because Brian Cashman pretty much sucks.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

That's A Tasty Burger

Say "Whataburger" again!
I'm not saying that whatever Drew wants, he gets around here.  But he did make a solid point yesterday in that we need more posts about food/booze.  I couldn't agree more.  We've had lively discussions about chicken wings and pizza before, so hopefully we can keep it going when I take the theme of the day over to the grill.  Let's talk burgers.  Everybody likes burgers.  So let's see what I think makes them great, makes them shitty, where to get the best, and where to avoid them like the plague.  I have 30 years of experience when it comes to eating and I'm pretty good at it, so consider me sort of an expert.  Let's start things off with one clarification that shouldn't need to be said but I will (AGAIN) anyway:

It is OK to put ketchup on a burger.  It is not OK to put ketchup on anything that is put in a hot dog bun.  Period.  I've yelled at my own mother for this before so you know that I'm very passionate about ketchup usage.  Now that we have that out of the way, how should one of the greatest foods ever be prepared?

*You better fucking grill it - grill marks are fucking beautiful, aren't they?
*Toast the bun - Always toast it.  My wife refuses to do this which I think is archaic and uncouth.
*Melt the cheese - Nothing offends me more than when I order a cheeseburger and it's brought to me with a cold Kraft single on top of it.
*Always include bacon when available - I don't need to explain this more than saying that bacon makes everything better
*Grill the onions - Best topping that you could have that doesn't come from a pig...holy shit are grilled onions great or what?
*The tomato has to be ripe - I grew up in the Tomato Capital so I demand quality tomatoes.  I always open my burger and check to see if the tomato has that white circle in the middle indicating it is not at it's best.  If I see this, the tomato gets tossed.  I am very strict.
*Brown lettuce is not welcome - Lettuce is green, not brown.  I hate brown lettuce.
*Crunchy pickles are a must - Those shit pickles that you get at McDonald's?  Fuck 'em.  Bitches better be crunchy.  Having different textures within your burger is underrated.
*Mayo is white trash - The older that I get, the more that I realize that mayo is really gross.  I don't put mayo on anything anymore.

Now that that is said, let's get the no-no's out of the way:
*Make sure it's cooked - OK, I am one of those guys who always orders things well done.  But I have a good reason for it.  I am DEATHLY afraid of undercooked meat.  No joke.  One of my groomsman once got sick (he ate chicken off of a plate where it had been thawing...he is not smart) and was shitting blood for three days.  That is terrifying.  So that is why you will never see me order anything rare or medium or even medium well.  I don't care either.  I don't want to have a period coming from my ass.  Deal with it.
*Sliders are gay - Don't order these.  I like going to White Castle about once a year but you, as a man, leave the mini-burgers to the women and gays.  You are a man, dammit, and a burger should always be a two-hand event.
*The Whopper is disgusting - It is really, really, really not good.
*Never ever use mushrooms - I hate these things.  They have no flavor and grow in shit.  Who exactly was the first person to think of eating these things anyway?

My favorite 5 burger joints (if it isn't on the list, I haven't been there so get over it)

Places I still need to get to:  Johnnie's Tavern (which Drew is going to tell us about), Whataburger, Graffiti Burger, and Fatburger (I think it's a Cincy thing, but I've heard all good shit)

Honorable Mention: McDonald's/Big Boy - Come on, who doesn't love a Big Mac/Big Boy every once in a while?  Those things are delicious!  By the way, I have never told any stories here about my tenure as a waiter at Big Boy back in high school.  Let's just say that it was hilarious and disgusting and that you should never eat there again.
5. Town Tap - You Naptowners know what I'm talking about.  But this recognition is for the days when Boxer still owned the place and ruled the world with his burgers and soup, not when those Liberty Center assholes fucked everything up.  I believe that Mr. Ace will back this claim up 100%.  Also a treat from Nap, the Whamburger.
4. Red Robin - I never knew that this place existed before moving to Columbus, but I have never had a bad experience there.  Nothing great, but everything is good.  And if you wonder if I have ever asked for more of their all-you-can-eat fries as soon as my burger and fries get to the table, just know that I have done that more than once.
3. Five Guys - I assume that someone has a heart attack in that place at least once a week.
2. In-N-Out - Gotta go animal-style but this place is just incredible.  Somehow, they make a fast food burger taste amazingly fresh.  It's bizarre but very boner-inducing.  Walter Sobcheck knows his burgers.

1. Thurman's - This will always be #1 to me.  If I made goals for myself, taking down The Thurmanator (which I believe is a Thurman Burger AND a bacon cheeseburger all in between one bun) is on that list.  I also want to leave someone an Upper Decker.  I have lofty goals as you can see.

And I couldn't finish this post with constructing my own beauty..."THE BIG MONEY"
1/2 pound patty (well done of course) on a toasted onion bun, bacon, grilled onions, smoked cheddar, banana peppers, A-1 steak sauce, and a generous glob of my spit.  Delicious.  Who wouldn't eat that?

Discuss good places to get a sandwich.  Make your own burger.  Whatever you want...the important thing is that we're talking meat.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

College Football For One More Week

G Money has something to get off his chest…

Apology accepted.

The college football season is over, but I’m not quite done with it yet.  I need to borrow Ronnie’s mind condom because the Michigan coaching search is still mind-fucking me, some players are leaving early who shouldn’t be, and the fuckeye five need to be addressed, I guess.

I guess I’m a Hoke-A-Maniac.  The Michigan coaching search sucked, my opinion will never change on that, and we are still stuck in a shitty situation because of it.  As far as the actual head coach, I am starting to warm up to Brady Hoke because he was a great hire I have no other choice.  He has come in and said all the right things, the Michigan people love him, and Denard didn’t transfer…nobody has so far.  I think he has handled the transition well, aside from one thing.

HIRING SOME FUCKING COACHES!  Michigan still has a coaching staff that includes Hoke, an OC, a special teams coach, a recruiting coordinator, and a RB coach.  That’s it.  There was a rumor going around yesterday that Ron English would be brought in as Defensive Coordinator.  I would rather bring back Greg Robinson…I wish I was joking but I’m not.  But someone needs to be hired soon because right now the program is stuck in neutral while our recruits continue to look elsewhere.  Off the top of my head, these are the recruits we have lost or missed on since the coaching search began:

  • Dee Hart 5* RB went to Alabama.
  • Kris Frost 5* went to Auburn.
  • Sammy Watkins 5*, never an actual Michigan commit but was once leaning strongly that way.
  • Anthony Zettel 4* went to Penn State.
  • Dallas Crawford 4* went to Miami.
  • Kicker Matt Goudis went to Miami.  We need a gotdamn kicker.
  • Antonio Kenard went to Miami
  • Jake Fisher decommited
  • Devin Lucien 4* was told to play defense or fuck off.  He chose the latter.

There are probably more, but you get the point.  This coaching search killed this recruiting class.  I have no idea why there is no urgency when it is January 19th.  But word on the street is Greg Mattison, DC of the Baltimore Ravens, has been offered the DC job at Michigan.  If that happens then I take back almost everything I just said.  (Update:  Dammit, I need to stop writing this shit so early.  Greg Mattison it is!)  It’s time to dance.

Bye Bye Bye.  My general rule of thumb regarding leaving early for the NFL draft is this; If you get a first or second round projection go get your money, if you get a third round projection you still go get your money, you just drive a Benz instead of a Bentley.  Anything after that you stay in school and risk injury because first day money is worth it.  So yeah, if you’re Fairley, Gabbert, Bowers, A.J. Green, or Patrick Peterson you ditch the dorm life and go buy 250 G’s worth of ice to wear on April 28th at Radio City Music Hall.  But there are some who have made the wrong decision for whatever reason. 

  • Will Hill Safety, Florida.  This is the worst decision I’ve seen.  He is going in the fourth round at best, but with one more year, especially under Muschamp, he could have been a first round pick.  If his teammate Janoris Jenkins, a first round lock, decided to stay at Florida for one more year then Hill’s decision should have been pretty easy.
  • John Clay RB, Wisconsin.  I’m torn on this one.  If he’s in shape and healthy then he’s and early third round type back.  But as is, he’ll be lucky to go in the fourth round.  His carries would have continued to decrease if he stayed at Wisconsin and his stock may not have risen.  This draft class may not have any top level RB’s, but it is deep.  Another year couldn’t have hurt.
  • Tandon Doss WR, Indiana.  I’ve seen his projection range from third to fifth round.  l don’t think there is any way he is around in the fifth.  He has just been too productive for teams to pass on him.  And he put up over 200 yards and had 3 TD’s against Michigan this year, that’s gotta count for something…
  • Sealver Siliga DT, Utah.  Undrafted…
  • Zane Parr DE, Virginia.  Undrafted…
  • Henry Hynoski FB, Pitt  Undrafted…Yes, you read that right.  A fullback has left school early to enter the NFL draft.  Great career move.

Apparently taking 6 credit hours, drinking for free, and banging your choice of 18-21 year old college chicks isn’t cutting it anymore.  Speaking of which…

The Fuckeye Five.  I’m honestly shocked that none of them left early.  I figured Boom Herron was a lock to go and I think most Fuckeye fans would agree.  I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising though.  None of them would have been first round picks…probably not even second round picks.  Still, Pryor and Posey just seem like guys who would have jumped at the first chance and Boom is definitely going to see a decreased role next year.  Oh well, they’re all fags anyways.

What the hell am I supposed to talk about now that college football is over?  Does Peter King do anything during the NFL offseason?  I need some ideas or I’m just going to do ACEterviews with your favorite porn stars…wait a minute.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Why We Hate The Steelers: An Open Forum

Yesterday, a few of us took the liberty to discuss the douchiness of the Steelers and their fans.  A couple Steeler fans did not take kindly to that.  Whatever, they can go drown themselves in the Monongahela River for all I care.  So I figured today, we could do an open forum where we list the reasons why the Steelers suck and why everyone should hate them.  They are all fair game today; from the Rooney family to the hilbilliest of Hill William's that support the black and golden shower.  I came up with 11 but with your help, I'm pretty sure that we can get this list up to a thousand before lunch.

1. White Trash Fans
This speaks for itself.  Steeler fans offer almost zero redeeming qualities whatsoever.  They drink Iron City and Mountain Dew yet consider themselves better than you.  They are incorrect.

2. Steely McBeam
Nice mascot choice.  A gay steel worker is an excellent representation of the team, fans, and city.  Hot stuff comin' through!!!
3. Racist Management
Ben had his issues with penis management.  Jeff Reed got arrested every other week.  Those 4 rings in the 70's were laced with massive amounts of steroids.  But when proven playmakers like Plaxico and Santonio have issues, they are dumped immediately.  If the Rooney family could run a team without black players, I'm sure that they would.
4. Hypocritical Fanbase
None of the commenters here said it (you are innocent of all charges, Jeff and Grump), but there was a pretty large sect of idiots out there who wanted Big Ben traded this summer due to his issues off the field.  Not one of them is complaining now that they are the favorites to win the Super Bowl.  And that is a classic argument made by morons where morals only come into play when you finish under .500.
5. An overabundance of "Steeler bars"
You should see how many of these are around nationwide.  It is ridiculous.  And that means that Steeler-hating isn't just a regional thing, it should be national.  Don't let these mental defectives take over your watering hole!  I don't believe in a zombie apocalype but I am fairly certain that Steelers fans were the inspiration behind The Walking Dead.
6. Black and Yellow is really creative
The Penguins, Pirates, and Steelers all have the same colors.  Gay.  And why do they only have their logo on one side of their helmet?  I bet that they're too cheap to pay for two stickers.

7. 6 Rings but still blame Neil O'Donnell for the one loss
This kills me.  They go into that one Super Bowl not even being remotely as good as the Cowboys yet they blame a career rotten QB like O'Donnell for losing the game!  It couldn't have been because they were the inferior team that way.
8. Creating an unjustified God-like persona for Bill Cowher
Guess what, he wasn't THAT good.  It took Omar Epps two years to do what it took Sgt. Slaughter 14 or 15 years to do.  He probably isn't in anyone's top ten list for best coaches ever.  He ain't no Joe Gibbs.
9. For all of the team's successes, the fans sure do whine a lot
We had this yesterday.  Grump wanted us to chart the number of times that Oher held Harrison.  I will do that only if we do the same thing for Flozell "The Holding Hotel" Adams.  There is no question that the Steelers have received more calls their way over the years than their opponents have yet their fans can't grasp this.  Go ahead and ask me if the Yankees get more calls than other teams.  Yes, they do.  Why?  Because they deserve it.  Don't get all defensive and pissy.  Just say, "you're goddamn right we do because the NFL has decided that we should play all of our games with referee assistance".
10.  Hines Ward is a dirty player
This isn't even a debate.  How many years in a row has the SI player poll had Ward as one of the five dirtiest players in the league?  It's a least five years.  In 2009, he WAS named the dirtiest.  BY PLAYERS.  By people who know more about football than the fans do.  But don't tell that to a Steeler fan because they know more about the game of football than anyone ever.  CHUCK NOLL COACHED THERE, GOD DAMMIT!

and finally...
More like "Terrible 'Norm From Cheers' Impression"
11.  Terrible Towels are gayer than three guys fisting Kordell Stewart at Three Rivers Stadium
Leave your jizz rags at home, fags.  They call them Terrible Towels because they are terribly embarrassing to the game of football.  European soccer fans find those things to be gay.

In conclusion, I would just like to point out that for 30 year old studs like me, the Redskins have won 3 Super Bowls and the Steelers have won 2.  I clearly root for a superior organization.  Eat a dick, Steelers fans.  GO JETS!

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Worst of Whatever This Round Is Called Vol.IV

I like turtles!
I know that I made a promise to a reader a few months ago about my language toward a certain group of peoplewould subside/lessen.  And I like to think that I've done a good job with it.  But I have to break my vow today because I can think of no other description better fitting for how I feel right now:

DAN DIERDORF IS RETARDED.  Not mentally retarded or socially retarded or any other kind of retarded.  He is FULL BODY AND MIND RETARDED.  I imagine that most of you were like me and watched the Ravens/Steelers game.  Every single time that Double D opened his turd-encrusted jaws, I wanted to blow my head off.  He offers nothing to the game.  He gets everything wrong.  He screws up names.  He is horrendous.  He is retarded.  I used to not mind him, but those days are over.  I feel bad for Greg Gumbel and this time it's not just because he has cabbage patch hair.  Why Dierdorf is considered part of the CBS B team, I will never understand.  He is absolutely rotten.  But enough with this retard, let's talk about the worst of the weekend and boy is this going to be anti-Steeler.

Jeff Tripplett and his crew - These guys should never ref another football game.  They were AWFUL.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, why does is ALWAYS seem like the refs dust off all of these seldom-seen rules to benefit the Steelers?  A defensive lineman holding?  That is NEVER called.  On the winning touchdown, yeah, the tight end jumped before the snap.  The PI in the first quarter was questionable at best.  The Webb punt return isn't called back if that game is played in any other stadium.  Just for once, I want Mike Pereira to say on a FOX game that the NFL has told the officials that the Steelers will get all the calls.  Just tell us because this bullshit is getting old.

Joe Flacco - He is just rotten.  He looks like a loser.  Does anyone have ANY confidence that he can lead a 4th quarter comeback?

Ray Rice - Rice lost the game.  Period.  His fumble in the 3rd changed everything.  And that seems fitting to me since he murdered fantasy teams all season.  It feels good seeing him murder his own team filled with murderers, too.

Ray Lewis - Is there a more overrated player in the NFL?  Sure, he's great when runners are within three feet of him but he can't run anymore.  He's old and slow.  He's getting outjuked by something called an Ike Redman.  And he helped kill a guy...can't forget that.

Housh - Nice catch.  KSK perfectly called him "TJ Dropsmandropsdrops".  Fitting.

Anquan Boldin - One catch for -2 yards and a dropped touchdown.  Some difference maker he was.

Hines Ward and Chris Kemoeatu - DIRTY FUCKING PLAYERS.  Period.  Fact.  You know, the Steelers claim to be this classy organization yet I didn't see any Ravens going head-hunting, did you?  Sure, they talk shit like a bunch of fucking pussies and then don't back it up, but I didn't see Suggs take any cheap shots.  Fuck Hines Ward.  Big Ben is so sick nasty in the postseason though.  In conclusion, I feel for John Harbaugh.  That Miami Man deserves better.

My Wife's Rooting Interests - She bases this on who she likes better as a coach.  Get a load of this:
Steelers: He's (Mike Tomlin) just always seems so calm.
Falcons:  He (Mike Smith) looks like James Brolin!
Seahawks:  Pete Carroll looks like -Rex's mom!
Jets:  No reason given but she must be into foot fetish videos.

Packer Fan Racism in ATL - I wonder how many fights broke out inside the Georgia Dome after the Packers' second TD?  Seeing how much those people love Mike Vick for some reason, they couldn't have enjoyed the "KUUUUUUUHN" screams.

Matt Ryan - Win something first, bitch.  Look across the sidelines because THAT is how a quarterback is supposed to play in the playoffs.  Never ever ever throw at Tramon Williams again.  Ever.  Forever ever, forever ever.

Drama for the NFC title game - Is there any doubt that the Packers are going to the Super Bowl?  That defense has shut down the 10-6 Giants, the 2 seed, Mike Vick, and the 1 seed in the last 4 weeks.  Save the drama for yo mama and enjoy a bunch of fat cheeseheads invading Dallas.

Michael Jenkins - The guy can't catch and when he does, he usually fumbles.  Ohio State sucks.  The Falcons need a sold #2 receiver.  Roddy White is great and all, but it would really make them sick if they had any credible threat on the other side of the field.  Santana Moss wouldn't be a bad fit there.

Seahawks/Bears - What a terrible game.  I made it through the first quarter but I stopped after that.  It was just too bad.  Seattle sucks and the Bears are an average team who catch a lot of breaks.  That is all I'm going to say about this one.  Sorry, Tony, but the Bears are just another roadblock on the Rodgers Road to the Super Bowl.  I think that you know this though.  The Bears already ruined one Super Bowl in the last five years, the NFL isn't going to let them ruin another one.

Me Vs. Rex Ryan - God dammit.  I am now 0-5 on wagers placed during the Jets playoff games.  This is maddening.  I can't figure these fucking guys out.

Tom Brady - Shit sandwich.  Just a complete and utter turdburger.  A Filet Poopgnon.  No one is doubting how great he is or his legacy to the sport, but I'm just going to say it now:  Ben Roethlisberger is the best playoff QB over the past five years.  I don't even know how you can argue against that.  Just watch, Ben ain't losing at home to Sanchise next Sunday.

Wes Welker - That was some attempt at being a "good little foot soldier".  Never talk shit about Rex Ryan, cracker fag.

LaDainian Tomlinson - What the hell?  This was a playoff game.  Shouldn't he have been riding a stationary bike with his helmet on and not scoring touchdowns?  I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Bill Belichick - The Greatriots looked flat and made almost zero adjustments.  It was a poorly coached and played game by the "Greatriots".  By the way, for everyone who thought that dumping Moss was a good decision, uh, no it was not.  Instead of throwing 4th down passes to a loser like Deion Branch, he should have been throwing them to a hall of famer.  Fuck New England...they lost to the goddamn Browns this year anyway.  We should have known better than to call them the favorites.

People Who Don't Bet With Jon Kincade - Anyone else listen to ESPN Radio on Sunday mornings?  You should.  Stop reading my still awful picks and listen to Kincade.  He is now EIGHT AND O against the spread in the playoffs.  Insane.

Packers/Bears will be fun.  I know that Ralph Parker's dad will be tuning in once he finishes his "funnies".  I'm looking forward to the AFC game though.  It will be interesting to see what the Jets get penalized for.  Will the NFL dig up a rule book from the 1940's and flag them for "too many blacks on the field"?  Will we see someone get flagged for an unbuckled chinstrap?  A pass interference against Nick Folk?  You never know with the NFL and their constant man-boners for the Steelers.

Oh, I need to get over this.  I am still extremely pissed that at halftime, the Ravens were +17.5 and LOST.  That's my fault though but that doesn't mean that I can't still hate the Steelers.  GO JETS!!!  Who are we kidding, you know good goddamn well that the Packers and Steelers are going to Dallas.

Friday, January 14, 2011

I Sucked Last Week. I Will Have My Revenge.

Happy birthday, Drew!
Alright, peckers, I took it up the ass last week on Wild Card weekend.  I assume that that was just an anomaly and that I will immediately go back to dominating my betting ways.  But on a brighter note, today is commenter Drew's birthday!  Much like myself, he will be starting the evening by taking in the Red Wings and Blue Jackets ass-beating.  Drew, where we headed after that?  Announce it to the commentariat, please, there are a lot of people who might want to punch you in the nuts.  Anyway, let's get down to it.  I'm feeling at least a 6-2 week from me.  The standings after the first "round" of picks:

6-2:  The Iceman, Jeff
5-3:  Drew, Dut, mdrgolf
4-4:  Grumpy, Naptown Wolverine, Tony B
3-5:  Andrew
2-6:  G$, Mr. Ace (Jesus, we need to step up...feel the power of HOKEAMANIA)

On with the games and I've included a link that made me laugh when I read/saw it this week.  And I'm a pretty crotchety guy so you know it's hilarious.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-3.5) O/U 37
You know, I've said more than once that I hate it when these two teams face each other during the season.  But during the playoffs, I am completely cool with it for some reason.  Here's the thing:  there are so many objectionable parts of each of these organizations that it's really hard to root for someone here unless you are a fan of one of the teams.  I guess I can root for injuries but then again, I don't want the winner to lose to the Patriots next weekend.  Man, this is hard.  I love that the line got up over 3 here.  This is what is going to happen:  the Ravens will be up 16-14 going into the last play of the game...a 45 yard field goal by Shaun Suisham.  He may not burn the Steelers now, BUT HE WILL.  That being said, take the points and don't even worry about this slugfest going over.  Oh and he's going to miss it because that is what he does.  Ravens 16-14.
*Columnist apologizes for making fun of Frank Beamer's face.

Green Bay @ Atlanta -1.5 O/U 45.5
In my opinion, this is the best game of the weekend just because it should be played in the 20's with two of the best young quarterbacks.  Go ahead and look at Green Bay's roster.  They have about 40 guys from the MAC.  Now that is some quality scouting right there!  This line started at ATL -3 which shows that the world loves the Packers in this game.  And they should.  GB should have won the game down there in the dome earlier this season.  Honestly, I'm getting a "2005 Steelers" vibe from the Pack with a 6 seed winning three road games on the way to the Super Bowl.  And I liked the Falcons a lot more at home before the Saints beat them there.  I'll take the points that I don't think I will need and go with the over.  Packers 28-24.
*You will never see anyone wearing this.

Seattle @ Chicago (-9.5) O/U 40
I have no fucking clue what to think about either of these two teams.  Both have looked fucking AWFUL at times this season.  The Seahawks looked competent and dare I say "good" last weekend.  But when they lose, they get slaughtered.  The weather is supposed to be horrible--well, at least it will be freezing ass cold--and that should worry the shit out of Bears fans when it comes to their quarterback not throwing a bunch of picks.  So here is what I'm going with:  the hot hand.  I don't know if the Seahawks can win in Chicago in January, but I know that they know that they can beat the Bears.  I wish that this line would get back to 10, but I'll still pick the Seahawks to lose, play it close though, and keep it under.  Bears 20-17.
*Kelsey Grammar a transvestite?

New York Jets @ New England (-9) O/U 45
I have lost so much fucking money betting against the Jets on the road in the playoffs over the last two years.  0-4.  I should just stay away here, but I won't because I'm an idiot.  There is one bit of information that I learned this week (a trend, Dut!) that will help me make this prediction and I'm here to help.  It has nothing to do with all the smack talk this week or the coaches or the weather or whatever.  This is it.  Six times in NFL history has a team lost by 28+ to a team during the season and then played them again in the playoffs.  The result of the rematch?  They ALL lost by double digits again.  That is valuable information right there.  I have no problem laying 9 and it's the Patriots so give me the over.  Patriots 35-17.
*John Travolta leaves family at Christmas for gay sex trip!

Man, I can't wait to leave my family for a gay sex trip (like the one Seal is on right now).  Like I said earlier, if you are in central Ohio tonight and looking for a mediocre time, come downtown to wherever Drew tells us to go and celebrate his birthday and another Blue Jackets loss.  Enjoy the games this weekend, they are going to be outstanding.  Don't worry, Grump, I will be rooting for the's just that this bitch needs to make money.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The 2010-2011 Cleveland Cavaliers: Optical Suicide

This is not breaking news but I'm going to say it anyway:  the Cleveland Cavaliers are fucking terrible.  This may be the worst team in NBA history when the regular season finally comes to a merciful end.  It is extremely painful to watch the product that they put on the floor on a nightly basis.  I am shocked that Byron Scott hasn't quit yet.  I try to watch this team still but I can usually only get to about the first timeout in the second quarter before I have to flip the channel.  It's just too awful.  Let's do a quick rundown of what is making this season so (possibly) historic:

-Have currently lost 21 of 22 games (thank you, Knicks!)
-Anderson Varejao, one of the few likeable players, just got hurt for the rest of the year
-Mo Williams sucks
-JJ Hickson was supposed to be the future but he shows up to play once every four games
-are currently starting MANNY HARRIS
-are currently starting ALONZO GEE
-are currently giving sizeable minutes to CHRISTIAN EYENGA and SAMARDO SAMUELS
-will probably not win 5 games the rest of the season
-should see if anyone wants Mo and/or Antawn Jamison
-would lose to a team of McDonald's High School All-Americans
-will likely sell about 5 or 6 season ticket packages next year

Anyone who thought that this team was going to be any good this year was either blind, naive, or handicapped.  I know that I didn't.  I may not have seen THIS coming, but I knew that they were lottery bound.  And I knew that after five years of embarrassing opponents with stupid dancing and gestures, payback was a-comin'.  Holy shit did it ever come.

But I pressed on.  Over the last five years, you would not find a more interesting game on the NBA schedule than a Cavs/Lakers game.  Eventhough the two teams are polar opposites now, I checked in on it on Tuesday night (after finishing the sensational premiere episode of Lights Out).  There was 4 minutes and change left in the third quarter and the Cavs were getting slightly beaten 78-31.  The Cavs had 31 points after 31 minutes of basketball.  I watched the rest of the third quarter partly laughing at how bad this team is but more depressed at what they used to be and how it's all over (and will remaing "over" for a few years).  The final was 112-57.  And it wasn't even THAT close.  When your team gets DRILLED that badly, normally I just shrug it off.  But look who's back with his villainous smack talk.

OK.  God dammit that is enough.  You did your damage now let us be.  Let me tell you a story here.  For my money, The Shield is the greatest TV show that I've ever seen.  It was gritty, it was dirty, it was balls to the was amazing.  One on story arch, the detectives were trying to track down "The Cuddler Rapist".  This guy would break into homes of women of ALL ages, rape them, but then hang around for a few hours and cuddle with them.  In one of the episodes, an old lady who was a victim stated that the rape she could handle, but it was the cuddling that broke her down.  It truly is some sick shit.  Could you imagine that?  That would be awful.  Imagine that you are in prison for some reason and you have a big biker roommate.  He has his way with you every night and then wants to spoon.  I shudder at the thought (of all of it homo).  And that is what made this TV deviant stand out to me.  It wasn't just about getting his rocks off.  It was about the humiliation of his victim when it was over.  Are you following me here?

Let me make it clearer for the dense:  let's say that I finally grow tired of Ace ruining Wednesday and I take action.  I follow Left Eye's lead and burn his house down rendering him homeless and living in a tent in front of the rubble that used to be his lair.  And then every few weeks I drive by to laugh at him and remind him that I was the one who made this happen.  Now do you see?  The initial action was bad enough but the follow-up dick moves are just wrong.

Look, #6 is never coming back.  I'm aware of that and I've moved on.  He completely bombed the Cavs franchise back to the stone age with his charity drive with Jim Gray.  But whatever.  What I don't like are these occasional barbs like the tweet above where he continues to pour salt into the wound that everyone is trying like Hell to close.  But he doesn't want that apparently.  He wants all Clevelanders to keep feeling like shit.  He keeps hanging around and reminding us of what he did.  And that is the part that is just wrong.  This is starting to go beyond his desire to play the role of the villain.  Now it's getting to the point where he is just an asshole and a dickhead.

I am glad that he believes in karma though.  He won't be surprised then when his plane crashes in Fenway Park.  God is going to watch that and laugh!  It's bad enough that I have to watch the Cavs (eye rape), I don't really need (nor do I think I deserve) to have to snuggle with a 6'8" black guy while I do it.

Where is that crying gay guy who did the youtube Britney video when you need him?  LEAVE CAVS FANS ALONE!  LEAVE THEM ALONE!

And people wonder why I fucking loathe Terrelle Pryor.  It's because he is cut from the same douchey cloth as #6.  Prima donnas can get fucked.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Coaching Clusterfuck: Dave Brandon's Brady Hoax

(You are all in big, big trouble)

Dave Brandon, you sly little fuck. I was right, I was fucking right all along:
I have come up with a theory. Dave Brandon is using the media. At this point I think Jim Harbaugh is out of reach and taking his talents to the NFL. The majority of Michigan fans only want Harbaugh. Dave Brandon realizes this so he is leaking false information about the coaching search to the media about Rich Rod/Brady Hoke being the next Michigan head coach to gauge the reaction of the fans, and most importantly, the alumni. The reaction to Brady Hoke being the next head coach was PANIC FUCKING PANIC, just like he suspected, so he bought more time and postponed the decision until sometime today. That doesn't necessarily mean Brady Hoke isn't coming to Ann Arbor, but with Harbaugh out of the picture and Brady Hoke next in line, keeping Rich Rod around is starting to look a little more intriguing.
I wrote that in last weeks post. Brady Hoke was Dave Brandon's guy all along. He wanted to hire him last week but Michigan fans lost their minds when the news broke. So he put together a FAKE nationwide coaching search where he met with Les Miles and made it seem like he was actively looking for someone else. Brandon knew that the Michigan fan base would grow tired of the search and not having a coach while watching our recruiting class totally deteriorate, so he only had to by time. He bought that time, Les did him a solid and made it seem like he was really contemplating coming to Michigan, Brady Hoke was hired and the majority of the Michigan fan base is just happy the whole ordeal is over. Well fucking played DB, well played.

This hire sucks. If it was Hoke all along it should have been done a month ago. The process was a sham. Denard Robinson is as good as gone and I can't blame him. I have no idea how he is going to fill his staff(Well fuck me, he is bringing his OC from SDSU. Denard is definitely gone). This recruiting class is dead. WE HAVE THE WORST COACH IN THE BIG TEN...not named Ron Zook. Seriously.


I had planned on talking about the Les Miles hire and how he could keep the Michigan team intact and go after some of the recruits we lost. He is a "Michigan Man" but he recruited Ryan Perrilloux, Jordan Jefferson, and Russell Shepard to play QB, so he is more than willing to run a spread offense. But...fuck. Les Miles was a mothafuckin lock Monday night, and then it all it always does. Michigan is coachless, spurned by Jim Harbaugh, Pat Fitzgerald, Jon Gruden(I assume...I'm not really sure why I include him like he was even an option), Les Miles, and Gary Patterson. The A-list is fucking dead, folks.

I don't recall a coaching search ever being like this. There is no possible way for a University to handle this situation worse than Michigan has. The world has now seen Michigan rejected at least five times and has everyone wondering what the hell is wrong there.

So what the hell is wrong at Michigan? We have an incredibly supportive fan base, a shit ton of money, upgraded facilities, tradition, a Heisman frontrunner potentially coming back, and a fan base begging for somebody to come rescue us. Michigan is no quick fix, but it's also not a total breakdown and rebuild. The offense is there as long as the coach has some flexibility; it obviously doesn't transition well to two tight ends power football. The defense sucks, but has a ton of experience and everybody is coming back.

All that being said, I can understand why Gruden, Fitzgerald, Harbaugh, Miles, and Patterson turned us down; Aside from Fitzgerald, who will stay at Northwestern until the apocalypse, they all have better options than Michigan. The problem is, Michigan should have figured this out a month ago. Before the bowl game we should have already known Harbaugh, Gruden, Patterson were out. After the bowl game we should have reached out to Miles and Fitzgerald to gauge interest, before firing Ridriguez. So instead of sitting here with our thumbs up our ass on January 12th without a head coach, we would have known on January 4th that our options were Rich Rod, Brady Hoke, or some coordinator...Malzahn please? But here we sit with Brady Hoke's fat fucking face smiling back at us knowing that Michigan is poised to settle on him.

I said before that my choice was Harbaugh or Rich Rod all the way and I won't go over all that again. But look at the resources Michigan used to employ their coaching staff compared to the rest of the nation:
In 2010, Michigan peeled off $1.8M in compensation for former Coach Rodriguez’s staff, that ranks in the 73rd percentile for the 112 programs listed (top-31 money) but dead last amongst the big dogs. It’s clear that Rich Rodriguez had a specific vision for what he wanted his defense to be capable of and there he knew just the guy to do it. The word on the street is that Jeff Casteel just liked West FUCKING Virginia too much to come to Ann Arbor. OK. He earned just over $372k last year.

Greg Robinson was our second highest paid assistant last year at $270k, but really he only made $5k less than Magee. Guess what the top two assistants in the hegemony--Top 15 Big Money schools-- averaged in 2010 excluding Muschamp…about $425k. We had the lowest paid offensive and defensive coordinators by at least $25k and we were $100k away from middle of the pack.
That's embarrassing. This is why I wanted to keep Rich Rod and shell out a ton of cash to a Defensive Coordinator and let him bring in his own staff. MICHIGAN HAS THE FUCKING MONEY! They (reportedly) offered Miles $5 mil a year for five years, which means the total staff would have been paid around $7 mil a year. Why not give those same resources and opportunity to Rich Rod and his new staff? Just fucking stupid.

So here were are. I guess I should have a wish list...and it goes a little somethin like this:
“Right, wrong or indifferent, when you’re zone blocking all the time -- when you’re playing basketball on grass -- you practice against that all spring, you practice against it all fall and then you’re going to play a two-back team that wants to knock you off the football,” Hoke said. “I don’t think you’re prepared. I think there’s a toughness level (required in college football). I still believe you win with defense. That’s been beaten into my head a long time, but I really believe that. The toughness of your team has to be the offensive front and your defensive front.”
This is how Brady Hoke feels about the spread offense. Good bye Denard. This is Lloyd Carr football. Learning how to coach from Lloyd Carr is like getting swimming lessons from Brian Reed. BOOM.

2. Gus Malzahn. Not even sure he is an option, but he will never be a hotter coaching option. Easy transition for our offense. Might have trouble assembling a staff since he has limited experience in the college ranks. But I think people would be willing to jump on a staff with him.

3. Tom Bradley. He is obviously tired of waiting behind Joe Pa and is making it known by interviewing for every coaching job possible. He is the back bone to Penn State so he might find it hard to come to Michigan, but the price will be right. And Brandon said he wants a guy with a defensive mindset.

4. Kyle Whittingham. I think his record and results speak for themselves. Defensive minded, but his teams have ran the spread since he has been at Utah.

5. Again, anybody but Hoke.


Oh yeah, G Money won Money Shot Bowl Mania.