Friday, December 30, 2011

The 2011 Money Shot Man Of The Year

The end of the year is nigh so we must reflect on 2011 and figure out who was truly the greatest man of the year. It took me awhile to shrink the talent pool down to 7 living (and 1 dead) finalists, but I am confident that we have the right men and we will honor them like the titans that they are. Who will join last year's co-winners of Corey Wootton and Arthur Moats? No more setup, let's get to the nominees:
Macho Man Randy Savage - RIP took your tragic death to remind everyone of how awesome you truly were. The fact that your father set a world record for sit-ups while Nazi prisoners held his feet down only made you even more badass. Dig it. Dig it indeed. May you spend all of eternity banging the also deceased Miss Elizabeth.
Dirk Nowitzki - Speaking of Nazis, thank you for vanquishing the Miami Heat in June, Dirk. You will always hold a special place in my cold, black heart for delaying what should be an inevitable.
Mike Judge - Bringing Beavis and Butthead back was possibly the greatest decision in TV history. The show has not lost a step. I will never stop laughing at Butthead saying something followed by Beavis remembering it with an "Oh yeah". Simple and hilarious. MTV is sneakily becoming a decent network again.
Gus Johnson - 2011 was his last year for calling March Madness AND the NFL. So sad. But he was glorious on the Big Ten Title Game call and it would be a crime if I failed to nominate Gus this year. HE KNOCKED OFF HIS 'DO RAG!
John Surma - It was not the most enviable job in the world to take that first press conference at Penn State after the Sandusky/Paterno shit broke. But the CEO of US Steel just fucking dominated that bitch. He was direct with his answers, he pulled no punches, he didn't sugarcoat, and he sort of treated the stupid media members there like the shit that they are. If this guy somehow became the next coach at Penn State, they would be my favorite team.
Terry Francona - I bet this a surprise to see. I respect Tito for taking the blame for the Red Sox collapse and I respect him even more for quietly dealing with the obvious smear campaign that ownership labeled him on the way out. Yeah, Tito's addicted to drugs. Sure thing, chach. Francona, who proved to be quite good as a commentator for Fox during the playoffs, now slides into Bobby V's spot on the ESPN Sunday Night telecast. Good for Tito.
Shane Walsh - Most deranged guy on TV? I think that he's up there with Gary Busey. He went from protecting his best friend's family after the zombie apocalypse to a genocidal, sex-crazed, glass half empty serial killer. It was outstanding. I can't wait for what he has in store next. I'm guessing that he gives Lori an abortion with his fist.


Steve Shubin - Who? Oh, he's no one of importance...just the INVENTOR OF THE FLESHLIGHT. I wonder how he thought of this actually. Was he just sitting around one day watching softcore porn and said "Man, I would really like to stick my dick in that flashlight." Actually, if you watch the video (and you mos def should), dude is a genius.  I would love to live in "the house that fleshlight built".

As Ice Cube once proudly stated: Bow down to a (n-word) that's greater than you. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that Steve Shubin is, without question, greater than us. And thus, he is the 2011 Money Shot Man of the Year.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Angry Rant Thursday

If you don’t recall, all of my critics and detractors applauded my wise and well-spoken post about the Colts yesterday. It was a wonderful change of pace. Don’t get used to excellent think-pieces though. Those posts are few and far between. I don’t have the time or the energy to worry about pointless shit like “consistency”. So today, instead of debating the merits of sabermetrics in Australian rules football, you get a post filled to the brim with hate. The brim of what, you ask? Go fuck yourself.

So yesterday I’m at the Sprint store getting a new phone. I’m not picky. I walk right in, see the phone I want, some sales cock comes over and asks if I have questions, and I’m all like “No, ring that bitch up…I got shit to do”. It was the easiest sale of all time. While iPhones tend to be all the rage these days, I am a simple man. I’m a Blackberry guy. I know how to use that and it offers the few things that I actually need from a phone. I don’t need an iPhone and I don’t want one. If you have one, that’s great because no one cares.

Anyway, so the salesman is ringing me up and tells me that the phone is $350 with in store savings of $250. I don’t get this. This sort of thing serves no purpose. Why not just say it’s $100 then? Or just go absurd and say that this phone costs $10K but I’m getting it for $100. Make me feel like a big shot. Now I understand why they do rebates (because some morons will forget to send it in) but it still pisses me off. Rebates are unnecessary homework. The cell phone industry is a piece of shit. And this mini-angry rant has started a firestorm or angry rants that will comprise the rest of this post.

*How the fuck has Scott Arniel not been fired yet? Granted, every player on the Jackets is having their worst seasons ever, but the record is 9-23-5 which I believe is the worst in the sport. Six coaches have already been fired but for some reason the worst one has not. In fact, he keeps getting votes of confidence from the GM! The CBJ fucking piss me off so much. They can’t score. They can’t defend. Rick Nash doesn’t even try or care anymore. Bunch of faggots is what they are.

*How annoying are those people on your Facebook feed that wrote posts about how the understand the meaning of CHRISTmas. With caps on Christ. Fucking lame. Those people are retarded. I actually celebrated christMAAS this year which is an appreciation of former Yankees bust prospect, Kevin Maas. But you don’t see me bragging about it.

*For those that listen to 97.1 The Fan, which commercials are the worst: Half Price Books? Three-C Body Shop? BW3’s Table-gating? Or DeMari Trucks. I vote for DeMari Trucks because they go from the son talking about deals on trucks and it morphs into some sort of weirdo football game where the grandson is trying to get his grandpa to run a belly option. It makes no sense and that whole family has to be inbred. I feel bad for The Torg. Who writes these spots anyway?

*Speaking of crappy radio this week, anyone listening to “The Black Herd”? I never thought that I’d miss Colin, but Mike Hill and Michael Smith seem to think that they are filling in on 106th and Park. Awful radio.

*Yesterday, The Black Herd was debating who the best team in the NBA is…after two games. This went on for 2 full segments. Back to ESPNews for you, Mike Hill. You are terrible.

*What is the point of Tony Siragusa?

*I think that the NFL is the most near perfect sport around, but they need to do something about the rules. They need to bring back the 5 yard facemask and stop making pass interference a spot foul. If the refs aren’t going to let defenders hit QBs AND WRs anymore, then there has to be something given to the defense.

*Brady, you were ripping Bengals fans earlier in the week and I thought of a great comparison: they are just like this year’s Indians fans. No faith that the ownership actually cares about the team and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Goddamn I’m smart!

*I don’t particularly care about the Pro Bowl (even though I have won money betting on the NFC the last three years and still cherish DeAngelo Hall’s MVP from last season), but I’m getting sick and damn tired of London Fletcher getting screwed. Fletcher has 163 tackles (leads the league by a LOT) and hasn’t missed one damn game in 13 years. Patrick Willis missed the last month. Brian Urlacher has 92 tackles this year on a sub-.500 team. Stop fucking over my boy, London! And how the fuck did Philip Rivers and Eli make it?

That’s going to do it for the rants today. Feel free to add your own in the comments if something is grinding your gears. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the last post of 2011. The topic? Oh, no biggie, just revealing THE MONEY SHOT MAN OF THE YEAR.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Colts Can Not Fool Me

Over the past two months, it has seemed like it was all but certain that Andrew Luck would be taking his pot of whatever-goblins-eat to the City of Fat Humps. Luck is obviously going first overall, we all know this. But now his destination is much cloudier. Actually, it really isn’t. Once the Colts complete the most unlikely three game winning streak ever (because Blaine Gabbert is a pussy wart) and the Rams get murked by the Niners, much like Nelly, you can find Luck in St. Lou-aaaay. And I am going to be the first one to say this because I see all and am most excellent at reading people…

The Colts never wanted Andrew Luck. Never. Don’t believe me? It’s hard to ignore the evidence once it’s all laid out in front of you.

*Why go to Orlovsky before #1 was clinched? Painter is clearly the worst QB in NFL history. Let him roll up the L’s until the first pick is guaranteed and then take him out behind Lucas Oil Stadium and shoot him.
*I am not implying that Dan Orlovsky is good. But he is less bad than Painter. This has nothing to do with my argument but I want to reiterate that Orlovsky blows.
*Peyton Manning’s entirely guaranteed contract (and shaky health) is untradeable. Even for the bad teams like the Browns and Redskins.
*Even if they do convince the Jets/Ravens/Niners to make an offer, they aren’t going to get shit in return since Manning costs 90 million plus. If you think it would be anything more than a first and a third, you are foolish.
*They can’t cut Peyton Manning.
*They can’t afford to keep Manning and Luck around because almost a third of their payroll would be for quarterbacks.
*Do you think it is a coincidence that Joseph Addai’s worthless ass is talking about how Peyton could play today if needed? I don’t. He’s laying the groundwork.
*What happens if Luck pulls an Elway or an Eli and says that he doesn’t want to play in Indy? Boy, that would be some delicious irony, wouldn’t it? I don’t think he would because his dad isn’t a cocksucker like Eli’s…but it would be humorous.  I mean, who wouldn't want to be loved by this fella?

As you can see, the picture I just painted is pretty telling. It makes sense, too. If the Colts can get out of the first slot, they can then draft franchise LT, Matt Kalil, and keep Peyton upright for the next four years. And then they can keep selling 4XL #18 jerseys for the rest of the decade! I think that this is what Jim Irsay and Bill Polian and Jim Tressel have wanted all along. They don’t want to have to be forced to draft Luck and then part ways with their mega-superstar with a laser rocket arm. Changing the QB does not fix any of the HUGE problems in Indy. 75% of that roster is hot garbage. Andrew Luck coming in and Peyton going out isn’t going to make it better. This is sort of typical for life in the Midwest where change is scary and you stick with what makes you comfortable even if it isn’t the best move for the future.

Now let’s correctly assume that the Rams “earn” the first pick. What the fuck do they do? They have to hire a new coach first that is for sure. Do they commit to the frail and comically overpaid Sam “Drew Poopson” Bradford? What the fuck can they get for Bradford? Can they do better than a first and a third (I don’t think so given the money owed and his crippling case of osteoporosis)? But this is where it gets good.

Matt Barkley, we all know, is heading back to LA for one more year of biting boners for no reason that makes any sense considering what we know about EVERY other QB that has made the exact same mistake of staying in school. Rumors are circulating heavily that Landry Jones is wisely staying at Oklahomo and RGIII is going back to Baylor as well. Can anyone fathom why Griffin would go back for another year? He already won the Heisman at a school with no football tradition, what else is there to do? So if those two also head back to college, this draft is literally “Luck or Bust”. And thus the Rams hold all the cards.

Now assuming that STL decides that they would rather build around Bradford and an assload of high picks over Luck and another pick or two, THAT PUTS LUCK ON THE OPEN MARKET! And this draft just got a whole shitload more interesting for this Redskins fan (and should for you Browns fans, too). I don’t know what it would take. I probably wouldn’t offer more than my first round pick in 2012-14 and a 2nd rounder, but the important point here is that if your front office is relatively smart and saavy, some terrible franchise can finally get a QB to build around. Actually, I would rather give up the next two drafts for the Skins over building around Ryan Tannehill.

I said on Monday that I think the Redskins should try to sign Matt Flynn this offseason. Fuck that. My rational mind just figured out how to get The Cookie Monster to DC. Now all we need is for Blaine Gabbert to just be Blaine Gabbert this Sunday…

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bowls, Bowls and More God Damn Bowls


My mother never ceases to amaze me with the barrage of bullshit Christmas gifts that get unloaded on me every year.  It's like she robs the homeless and wraps up what she's stolen.  It's times like this where I question how my mother has gone this long and successfully learned nothing about me.  Here's a short list I've compiled of completely useless gifts I've had to return over the years.

-ANYTHING from Kohl's.  For some reason she thinks I love that store.  And sweaters.  Who the fuck purposely buys sweaters?  Fat truckers, pedophiles and people terrified of sexual contact.  I think that covers it.

-Every single t-shirt she has ever bought me.  I've never been a huge guy.  Currently I go about 6'1" 215 lbs and that's the biggest I've ever been.  Yet every year I get XXL t-shirts from my mom because she claims one year I said I like my clothes big.  For the record...never said anything close to that.  And even if I did, that doesn't mean I want fucking trash bag sized shirts like Ben Roethlisberger.  I don't have C-cup sized man tits I'm desperate to keep a secret.

-Footwear of any kind.  Shoes, slippers, sandals, socks...all of it.  Let's ignore for a second the ferociously hideous style of footwear she gets me.  Even if I did want fucking dragons or wolves plastered all over my sneakers, the fact that she consistently gets me size 12 of everything makes it a moot point.  I've worn size 14 since I've been twelve.  Fucking twelve.  For 20 years she has been completely bricking on my shoe size.  Now that's love.

-Picture frames.  I'm not a girl.  Or in Junior High.  Or gay.  Or Dut.  And I certainly don't give a shit about pictures which is why I've never owned a camera in my life.

So let's fast forward to this year.  No any way.  First, I got a 8 pack of white ankle socks.  I fucking hate ankle socks with a feverish passion and emphatically voice my opinion on them every single year.  They're quite possibly the dumbest thing on the clothing market next to fishnet shirts and dumb as fuck Ugg boots.  I felt betrayed when I tore away the paper and saw these fuckin things staring back at me.  I just shook my head and blindly heaved them over my head without saying a word.

Second, I got a pair of sandals...and you guessed it.  Size 12.  I was flabbergasted.  How the fuck does my girlfriend's mother know more about my than my own mother?  It's truly astonishing.  Every year at Christmas it's like we've never met before.  It would be sad if it weren't so hilarious.  After that my expectations were so absurdly low I was actually pumped when I opened a four pack of underwear that were actually my size.  Merry fuckin Christmas, Iceman.  While I go return 90% of my gifts for cash, let's unwrap some bowl predictions.

Little Caesars Bowl
W. Michigan (+3) vs. Purdue

Western Michigan likes to score but they also hate defense.  Purdue just has better athletes.  Robert Marve looks like leatherface and I think that helps him be a better football player.  I'm also pretty sure his mother sold him as a baby for drug money. Purdue (-3)

Belk Bowl
Louisville (+1) vs. NC State

What the fuck is a Belk?  What a stupid fuckin name for a bowl game.  Fitting that two stupid teams are playing in it.  Louisville is better in basketball sooooooo........Louisville (+1)

Military Bowl
Toledo (-3) vs. Air Force

The Air Force is good at flying planes and making sure we don't die in our sleep at the hands of filthy terrorists.  I heard they're also highly underrated bakers.  But that's it.  I know Toledo has a lot of criminals on their team, but none that are a big enough threat for AF to care.  Toledo (-3)

Holiday Bowl
California (+3) vs. Texas

There is nothing more powerful on this earth than the homosexual love between Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley.  It can make Nuns weep.  You've seen what Ace and Gary can accomplish when they combine their powers.  Expect the same from McCoy and Shipley.  Texas (-3)

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida St. (-3) vs. Notre Dame

Brian Kelly slices the femoral artery of a back up linebacker who misses a tackle with a shaved whale's tooth he keeps in his sock at all times.  After winning the game, Kelly's apology falls on deaf ears.  Kelly celebrates by murdering another student videographer.  Dayne Christ still blows.  Notre Dame (+3)

Alamo Bowl
Washington (+10) vs. Baylor

G$ will get over his Boner Lover Barkley hangover real quick after realizing the Redskins will be drafting RG3 this year.  The next Doug Williams??  Perhaps.  Now you just need the next John Riggins.  Begin the search in Montana.  There's an abundance of weird fucks there.  Baylor (-10)

Armed Forces Bowl
BYU (-1.5) vs. Tulsa

Mormons suck at having premarital sex, suck worse at being normal people and suck even more than that at football.  Furthermore, Cowturd thinks BYU is a good team and Steve Young infected the campus with retardery at one point.  Just too many negatives here.  Tulsa (+1.5)

Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers (-1.5) vs. Iowa St.

The power of paralysis.  Not quite as polarizing as the dick/butt love of McCoy/Shipley, but still quite magnetic.  Tell me Rutgers isn't starving to win this for their team mate who can't.  This one's for Eric LeGrand.  Rutgers (-1.5)

Music City Bowl
Miss St. (-7) vs. Wake Forest

I'm not sure why the spread is 7 here since Mississippi St. really didn't compete well in the SEC.  They were pretty much dominated by every decent team they played where at least Wake was able to keep it close against the better teams in the ACC.  Wake Forest (+7)

Insight Bowl
Iowa (+14) vs. Oklahoma

Is there a more fuckin boring team in all of football than Iowa?  Isn't it hilarious how Kirk Ferentz's name continues to be mentioned as a potential NFL head coach when he's clearly is dumber than clam juice?  Am I the only one who thinks 14 is too low?  Oklahoma (-14)

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Texas A&M (-10) vs. Northwestern


Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech (-3) vs. Utah

Did you know Urban Meyer coached at Utah?!?!?!  Just throwing a fun Urban Meyer fact out there so we have another irrational reason to talk about Buckeye football.  Utah lost to Colorado this year.  That's all I needed to know.  Georgia Tech (-3)

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois (-3) vs. UCLA

Well, this sure as shit isn't the Kraft Fight Boredom Bowl.  Is Nueheisel's plastic face allowed to coach this game after getting fired?  No?  Damn...UCLA may have a chance.  Last question: Is Nathan Scheelhaase white or black?  Whether or not I pick Illinois depends on the answer.  What's that??  White and black?  Close enough.  Illinois (-3)

Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati (+1.5) vs. Vanderbilt

What's the over/under for 6'8" black dude haymakers?  There's too many fucking bowl games if Vanderbilt is in one at 6-6.  This is getting re-God damn-diculous.  Hey!  Remember when Cincy fans thought Zach Collaros was going to be a stud?  Those laughs got me through some dark days.  Still like the BearCats though.  Cincinnati (+1.5)

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia (+3) vs. Auburn

Soooooooo maaaaaaaaaany boooowwwwwwl gaaaaaaaaames.  Auburn (-3)

Ticket City Bowl
Houston (-6) vs. Penn State

Can Houston PENETRATE Penn State's suffocating defense?  Can the Nittany Lions PLUG the right HOLES and keep the Cougars from SCORING OFTEN on these YOUNG BOYS MEN?  The key is to ATTACK when the defense looks VULNERABLE and RAM IT HOME when you have the chance.  Pedophilia.  Houston (-6)

Gator Bowl
Ohio State (+2) vs Florida

Urban Meyer's new team vs. Urban Meyer's former team.  It's only interesting to Buckeye fans since the rest of the country hates terrible football.  Ohio State (+2)

Outback Bowl
Michigan State (+3.5) vs. Georgia

Since Matt Barkley can't play in a bowl game this year, expect Colon Cowturd to gush uncontrollably about Kirk Cousins to fill the empty void USC left.  Also expect Cousins to make double digit terrible decisions.  Georgia (-3.5)

Capital One Bowl
Nebraska (+3) vs. South Carolina

Fuck.  Who do I want to lose more?  Taylor Martinez or Steve Spurrier?  My heart tells me Spurrier.  Unfortunately my brain knows that Martinez is fucking terrible and throws like a bitch.  Also, Stephan Garcia is too busy crushing lines of blow off of cock shafts and won't be there to be responsible for 8 turnovers.  SC (-3)

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin (+6) vs. Oregon

It's gonna be a shoot out and when that happens Oregon is just better than everyone.  Sorry, Rusty Wilson.  Oregon wins by a lot.  Then we all watch in horror as LaMichael James chews through the goal post with his robotic underbite.  Oregon (-6)

Fiesta Bowl
Stanford (+4) vs. Oklahoma St.

The battle of the quarterbacks...but only one sounds like Fozzy Bear when he talks.  EDGE: Luck.  Stanford's only loss is to Oregon and Oklahoma State's only loss was to Iowa State.  EDGE: Stanford.  And I'm not fully convinced the Big 12 was that much better than the Pac-12.  Stanford (+4)

Here are the standings through the first two weeks.

Dut 6-2
GMoney 5-3
Iceman 4-4
Ace 4-4
Andrew 4-4
Drew 4-4
Prime 4-4
Brady 3-5
Lil Strut 3-5
Damman 2-6
Justin 2-6
Lange 1-7 (way to not submit picks, dick head)

Two new developments this week.  We have Lange who didn't pick a single game and slipped into last, and we now have Justin joining the ranks.  I allowed his picks (before the games kicked off) because he's terrible at picking stuff like this and it'll be a gas mocking him.  Currently Dut is in first but I anticipate that changing rapidly since he probably picked the first two weeks based on who has the hotter players.  Next week I'll preview the remaining games all the way up until the national title game.  Then a champion will be crowned and a super awesome prize will be mailed to the winner.  It's a lock of my pubes.  On that note, I hope all you fags got what you wanted for Christmas this year and make sure you get shithouse hammered on New Year's Eve.  See all you funky butt lovers in 2012.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Worst Of Week Sixteen Vol.V

Royalty...just like G$
Gentlemen...the winner and NEEEEEWWWWW DFL CHAMPION...GMoney!!!  Sure, it isn't over yet, but I've got a 17+ point lead with Breesus, Jimmy G, and Matt Bryant tonight while Reba/Ide has Colston and Lance Moore.  I'm willing to call this one.  Holy shit.  I just won a fantasy football league!  This is pretty much the greatest feeling ever (it's been a long six years!).  Caylee Anthony Makeout Party was probably the best team that I've ever assembled and it lived up to my lofty expectations with an ELITE 13-2 TITLE season.  So the first annual DFL Trophy Fleshlight is coming my way...Dut actually had the nerve to ask me if I really wanted that.  OF COURSE I DO.  Instead of ordering it online, though, I think it would be better if you took me on a date to The Lion's Den so we could pick it out together.  You know, try a few on to see which fits best.

I AM A GODDAMN CHAMPION!  Best Christmas present ever.  I would like to thank my true warriors:  Breesus, Mendenhall, Bradshaw, Larry Fitz, Boldin, Santana Moss, Reginald Wayne, Jimmy Graham, and Gronk N-word.  And Lance Ball...can't forget about Lance Ball.  And if I'm not on Big Brother this summer, expect to see the most lavish and homosexual champion's entrance at the DFL Draft that would even make Uncle T blush.  It's coming and it will be glorious.

Anyway, on to week 16's doo doo:

The Colts? - I'm going to write more about this on Wednesday actually.  You can bet your sweet ass that they win in Jacksonville on Sunday.

Tim Tenor - The Lord works in mysterious ways.  How doth he explain Tenor's skidmark performance in Buffalo the day before Christ's birth?  All of those people that think religion is a sham can point to this as proof.

Early Doucet - You know good goddamn well that blacktard Cris Carter will pick Doucet's game-losing, wide open touchdown fall down as his "Come On, Man" tonight.  CC needs to die.  And I really hope that the Bengals lose on Sunday because I want to see me some RAIDERS in the playoffs.

The Patriots - It's really starting to piss me off that they let Tom Brady rush so many fucking one yard touchdowns.  That is why you have goddamn running backs.  I hope that Brady breaks his hairpiece on an unnecessary sneak.  And who falls behind 17-0 to the Dolphins at home?  I'm telling you, don't fall for these guys.  They will not win a playoff game.

Rex Ryan - I love Rex Ryan.  He's a loudmouth blob with a weirdo foot fetish.  His schtick is great when the Jets are winning.  But now, eh, it's getting lame.  I hate Brandon Jacobs but he was totes right...It's time to shut up, fat boy.

Mark Sanchez - His days are numbered.  There is no fucking way that the Jets can give him an extension after his contract runs out after next season.

Phil Taylor - Classic Browns right there.  Granted, they would not have won the game anyway, but at least they would have had the chance.  By the way, Baltimore is garbage.  Do you remember what I said about Sanchise four lines ago?  The same thing applies to Joe Flacco.  If for some reason the Colts put Peyton Manning on the trade block, I guarantee you that the Jets and Ravens make an offer.

People that think that A-Rodgers is the MVP - IT SHOULD GO TO DAVID AKERS!  David Akers SICK!  He averages THREE made field goals per game.  I would bet that the Niners are a 5 win team without Akers.

Tony Romo - What a pussy.  It was nice to see the Cowboys roll over and die since it didn't really mean anything to them to beat their rival.  Way to quit on your fans!  Anyone foolish enough to bet on Dallas to win in NJ next Sunday night is too dumb to have any money in the first place.  The Giants are a fucking LOCK.

Was that the Redskins? - The same team that swept the Giants just got titty-fucked by Toby Gerhart and Joe Webb.  They end Adrian Peterson's life and Ponder's season yet get steamrolled by their backups?  I chalk that one up to the heartbreaking decision by Matt "Boner King" Barkley.  My dad thinks that the Skins should make a run at The Kyle Orton Express (God no).  I wouldn't mind if they went after Matt Flynn and build around him.  He was good enough to keep a BCS ring off of Commenter Daniel's finger in college, so he's good enough for me.

LIONS H8RZ - Congrats to all of the Lions fans out there for clinching a playoff birth for the first time since 1999 when the Skins kicked your ass.  Remember when the Skins won the NFC East?  Good times.  It's been a weird year for the Lions with the offensive explosions ruined by a pathetic coach scrum and a cocksucking DT, but props nonetheless for getting the job done.  May you truly enjoy your 20 point loss to the Saints...again (I don't actually remember how much you lost by so back off).

Congrats to Lange who appears will win the MSFL title (Damman 2nd, G$ third).  Dude started out 3-6 and has not lost since (led by Tim Tenor natch).  Well done, sir, enjoy those White Castle gift cards--CORRECTION!  Actually, this one is far from over.  Of course, I would have killed both of these losers this week...goddamn Rodgers.

Fuck.  I probably wrote too much considering I've got to be the only asshole working today and the internet will be slowed way down.  Stupid fucking me.  Correction---stupid fucking CHAMPION me.  That sounds way better.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Jolly Old St. Prick Lacks Creativity This Year

It's better late than never I suppose but it's time for this site to give out gifts to its faithful commenters once again. Notice that I said commenters. Three years ago, we were blessed by the presence of "Santa Blogs".  The last two years though, he couldn't make it so he sent his evil twin, St. Prick, instead. He was not as gracious.  One of the best things that St. Prick ever gave away was the time machine to Dut last year:
"you use that time machine to go back to when you were a baby and then give yourself SIDS"

And since you are all terrible still, St. Prick is back with more "gifts".  Although, I have to say, things have changed this holiday season.  Prick Diggity was out too late watching crappy college basketball at a hockey arena last night so instead of getting separate presents, you are all getting the same thing.  Consider it St. Prick's version of the Derek Jeter Gift Basket.  What does each and every one of your gift baskets have in them anyway?

*An envelope filled with diarrhea addressed to Chelsea Handler!
*Matt Barkley's severed head!  What the fuck, asshole?  Way to be selfish boner lover, you boner lover.  I hope you die.  Apparently, RG3 is leaning toward another year at Baylor now, too.  Great, more Sex Cannon interceptions for me!!!
*Terry Bowden (coming to Ohio as the new hilarious coach at Akron for some reason)!
*A DVD of my DFL Champion corronation ceremony featuring a director's commentary where I analyze every point that my player's scored this season!  Go fuck yourself, Anquan Boldin, we don't need you anyway!
*Mental images of Bill Conlin molesting his nieces! Remember this guy from the Dick Schapp era of The Sports Reporters?  He used to love to fingerbang the shit out of his ten year old nieces!
*A lifetime subscription to The WWE Network!  A reality show called "Legends House"?  FUCK YES!
*$50 Gift Card to Mr. Ace's 80% vegan restaurant "Soy Un Pindajo"!
*A one year supply of G$ telling you about the time he shook Ted DiBiase's million dollar hand!
*And, of course, a FLESH LIGHT!

Ummm, yeah, that's going to do it.  That will do it for this week.  In all seriousness though, to quote Jack Donaghy, "Happy what terrorists say.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!"  And if you're still looking for something to get G$, well, I still haven't banged Anne Hathaway yet.  Just sayin'.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

To The Line, To The Lane: 2011-12 NBA Predictions

WHAM!  With the right hand!
The other night, after receiving multiple texts from The Iceman regarding the shittiness of Luke “Huda” Harangody (true dat), I flipped FSN-Ohio on to watch the hour long documentary titled “Have A Good Night Everybody”. It was basically twenty to thirty people affiliated with the NBA/Cavs (including the insanely blind Gordon Gund!) talking about how great the former Cavs radio broadcaster, Joe Tait, was as he retired after last season. And it is true, Joe Tait was amazing at calling basketball games. I would recommend it since there are plenty of Austin Carr pieces and it's fairly entertaining throughout.  Here are a few other things from the documentary which I found interesting: *Tait calls Mount Union football games (never knew that)
*Napoleon, Ohio was mentioned in the doc! WNDH 103.1 The One, baby!
*Lenny Wilkens told the worst story I’ve ever heard (about milkshakes [the fuck?]) and then referenced it again during the closing goodbye montage. I can’t do this terrible story justice for how bad it was.
*Bruce Drennan still loves ya, Cleveland.

Anyway, it did what I was hoping it would do…get me excited for the tip-off of the basketball season this weekend. Before I get into my real quick predictions, I want to talk about my Cavaliers for a hot minute.

Don’t get me wrong, they are still going to be terrible. I just want them to be competitive (which they were way too often not last year). I watched the two preseason games (because I am a waste of skin and poop) and Kyrie Irving looks like he’s going to be just fine. I’m sure he’ll make mistakes as rookies often do, but he will be entertaining and if you aren’t going to win many games, you better at least be intriguing. I honestly think that Alonzo Gee is the worst player in the league and he might start for this team, so yeah, they’re still lottery bound. And that’s OK. Let’s get to the predictions and mini-blurbs for each team.

1. Miami – Fact: Pat Riley found Coach Spo when he was trolling for little boys in Thailand
2. Chicago – How have they not pulled off the Dwight Howard trade yet? They have the pieces to do it.
3. New York Knicks – Mike D’Antoni is still the worst coach in the league (and Vinny Del Negro is in this league)
4. Indiana – I love everything about this team (yes, including MANSBROUGH) which means that they’ll probably only win 20 games
5. Boston – Just watch in awe at how much they coast through this shortened season
6. Orlando – This organization is about to be bombed back into the stone age
7. Atlanta – Uh, maybe MUDawg can give us something about the Hawks…all I’ve got is that that Joe Johnson contract sure is abysmal, eh?
8. Philadelphia – Uh oh, it doesn’t look like Evan Turner could beat out the great Jodie Meeks at the starting SG spot
9. Milwaukee – When I drafted Brandon Jennings on my fantasy team, I said “at least I know who will lead my team in missed shots this year”.
10. Washington - John Wall is super sick but everyone else on that team blows.
11. New Jersey – Kris Humphries for 8 million? FUCK YEAH!
12. Detroit – I like the Lawrence Frank hire a lot but this roster still makes no sense. They have the best “shitty wing depth” in the league though.
13. Cleveland – See above obvz.
14. Charlotte – As I mentioned the other day, JUST ACQUIRED BYRON JAMES MULLENS. I will let you know when the championship parade in Charlotte is.
15. Toronto – I can’t think of one nice thing to say about the Craptors.

1. Oklahoma City – I am so sick and tired of people saying that Kendrick Perkins is good when he is not.
2. Dallas – Lost Butler, Chandler, and Barea but gained Lamar Odom for nothing. That’s a nice acquisition but their candy budget is going up.
3. LA Clippers – They still need another big but this team is going to make Donald Sterling one happy Grand Wizard for the KKK.
4. San Antonio – Eh, consider it a “pity fuck” for Mr. Ape who proudly owns a Manu Ginobili jersey for no reason
5. New Orleans – They will definitely be better than you think.
6. LA Lakers – Their roster is awful since Josh McRoberts is their 4th best player and their coach is questionable at best. I wouldn’t be surprised if they missed the playoffs actually.
7. Denver – Same thing as New Orleans although it would be nice if some of their players weren’t stuck overseas
8. Minnesota – Rick Adelman can flat out coach and they have a good rotation. I’m calling for the upset!
9. Portland – I always liked Brandon Roy and it’s a shame that his knees forced him to retire.
10. Phoenix – Steve Nash deserves better than this.
11. Sacramento – I wonder what DeMarcus Cousins and Jimmer talk about? I bet those are some great conversations.
12. Memphis – Last year was a fluke. They will be worse with Rudy Gay healthy. Book it.
13. Houston – Rebuild mode. Did they hire Kevin McHale to coach? I want to think that they did.
14. Golden State – I’m just happy that Mark Jackson is off of TV. “THERE GOES THAT MAN” and “HAND DOWN. MAN DOWN” are two of the worst catchphrases in sports history.
15. Utah – This team blows.

MVP: Kevin Durant
Coach: Frank Vogel (he’s at Indiana)
ROY: Kyrie Irving

2011-2012 Champion: Ugh, the Miami Heat. They’ll beat the Thunder. I agree with Magic Johnson that fucking a bitch with AIDS is a bad idea and that if the Heat don’t do it this year, it’s not going to happen ever. They are built for this type of schedule and the teams put together to stop them are either too reliant on old veterans or don’t have the chemistry yet. This is going to make me sick.

You know what else is going to make me sick? Watching my embarrassing Charlies Coles-led RedHawks get destroyed by Ohio State tonight. I’m in section 117 for anyone attending. Something to keep an eye on: Miami is 2-1 against the RPI top 100 this year and 0-5 against teams over 100. How is that even fucking possible? Either way, fuck it, we win tonight as a nice early Christmas gift to me.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Open Forum: The Ohio Buckeyes/NCAA Punishment

OK, so Judgment Day has came and went here in the state capitol. We all know what happened by now. There is no reason to get back into why we're here again (and we won’t). So let’s take a look at the punishment handed down by the NCAA and debate whether it is acceptable or not (no way in Hell that this ends well and is universally agreed upon).

*The NCAA took two months longer than promised to rule on this. Brady lamented on this yesterday and it’s a good point: WTF took so damn long? I love how the NCAA has a book of rules longer than Jabar Gaffney’s dong (apparently TV crews are told not to shoot the Redskins receiver below the waist…true story!) yet no one has any fucking clue about their punishment procedures. It shouldn’t this difficult. If you get slapped with a Failure to Monitor or an LoIC, BAM, you should know EXACTLY what it coming up your dirt road.  It shouldn't be this big mystery.

*I will forever feel like “self-punishment” is an insult. If I robbed a bank, felt guilty, turned myself in, and said “probation for two years is sufficient”, I don’t think that that would fly. I don’t like the idea of schools trying to beat the system (although I understand why they do it). I'm glad to see that it backfired in Mean Gene's face.

*On to the rulings themselves, an extra year of probation was added. I don’t even remember how long they put themselves on probation in the first place but I think that this might have some teeth. Probation sounds wussy and girly and whatnot, but it pretty much means that Ohio State has to live a straight edge lifestyle for the next few years and in the shady world of college football, that could potentially be an issue. Because as Bobby “The Brain” Heenan says, “if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’”. 

*Jim Tressel was presented with a “show-cause” that pretty much bans him from college sports for the next five years. Yeah, he’s never going to coach again. This punishment is actually quite fitting.  He shouldn't be allowed to coach again.

*Instead of five scholarships lost over the next three seasons, they bumped it up to 9. Jesus Christ, what a worthless “punishment”. They get 85 (which is 15-20 too many any way), they aren’t going to miss three per year until the end of the 2014 season. OH NO! HOW CAN WE COMPETE WITH ONLY 82 GUYS GETTING FREE RIDES??? ZOMG! Fucking waste of time…either make it hurt (like say 30 over the next 3 years) or don’t do it at all.  This will have no impact on anything ever.

*The 2012 Bowl Ban is a pleasant surprise though. I don’t think anyone saw this coming, I know that ol’ Gene Smiff didn’t, and I’d bet that Urban didn’t either. It really makes the decision to go to one this year even more retarded. I am personally treating the Urban Meyer-to-OSU experiment like I treat LeBron James now. Every year that they don’t win a national title is a great season to me. Well, I already know that 2012 is a failure for Ohio (my opinion, don’t care about yours) and that’s alright.  No Big Ten title in 2012, too?  Boom-dizzle!  But missing one bowl game for the first time in over a decade...honestly, it isn't THAT big of a deal.

*At least Gene Smith and Gordon Gee both got positive performance reviews from this past year. Well deserved for these two titans in the field of fucktardery.

In the end though, none of this punishment really matters. I think that we all sort of saw this coming over the past few months. The only thing that could truly hurt this annoying and fist-fucking program would be to kill it and that was never going to happen. Ohio will survive and somehow they got even better through all of this shit. And that really is the harsh reality of this seedy sport isn’t it?

If you make money and travel well, you can do whatever you want to and still come out smelling like roses (no pun intended until maybe 2013). Ohio still came out as winners from all of this bullshit. I wouldn’t be na├»ve enough to say that Ohio Football is untouchable, per se, but is seems pretty evident that it is bulletproof (lying and cheating blatantly won’t do it; probably something that is depraved like kiddie porn would though).

So we haters now are back to where we started. Not much has changed but at least we can get back to rooting against the Ohio Buckeyes just on the field as opposed to in the“court room”. In conclusion, the punishment was more severe than I thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean that I feel like justice was served. Gene and Gordon should still be sent packing.  What came down and those two getting fired would be acceptable to me but until that happens, I refuse to believe that "justice was served".

I think that most of the haters of the world got caught up in the madness that such a traditional power of a football program felt it necessary to lie and cheat to maintain it's dominance.  That was disappointing to see, but at the same time, those offending parties are pretty much all gone now and punishing those that remain is pretty unfair (it's unfair everywhere when this crap happens).  So I begrudgingly accept the ruling and look forward to moving on (as we all should).  After all, we are less than 9 months away from the Urban Meyer Era starting 0-1...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

One Week Closer to Bowl Games We Care About

This chick is about to get murdered.  Or fucked.  Or murdered then fucked.

Casey Pachall fucking rules.  A quick, completely unrelated story about my weekend before we get into things here.  Never, I repeat, NEVER go to a bar called YeeHas on the east side of Toledo...unless you're complete white trash and brush your teeth with meth every day.  Do you know what's hilarious about white trash bars?  Anything goes.  The limitations on the fucked up shit you see are literally endless.  When I was closing my tab, a Mexican guy was trying to eat his girlfriends face as if she were a hot dog.  He smelled like fish.  Even the bartender was disgusted which was impressive since she was clearly top of the line gutter trash.  But nothing in all my life travels could have prepared my eyeballs for what happened next.

Oh.  Did I mention there was a Creed/Nickleback cover band playing with no member younger than 40?  Yeah...absorb that real quick.  So we're getting ready to leave and I happen to glance over just in time to witness a grown man sticking his entire arm down this incredibly fat lady's trousers.  We're talking the fuckin elbow.  At first I thought it was Damman but then remembered that chicks under 250 really aren't his brand.  I was half tempted to say something but since it was the east side I'm sure at least half of the people there had a weapon on them.  Getting shanked in a white trash bar hasn't cracked the bucket list yet.  So I just turned around and left.  While walking out, I contemplated cramming two fingers down my throat to discharge everything in my system.  I'm not sure how that would have solved anything but after witnessing a shit show like that, rationality about ANYTHING gets tossed.  While I go dig my eyeballs out of my skull with a melon baller, enjoy these bowl predictions.

Beef 'O Brady's Bowl
Florida Int. (-4) vs. Marshall

This game looks to be about as exciting as someone wiping their butthole on your bare skin.  Is there anything more soul crushing than a fierce showdown between the Sun Belt and C-USA?  Grumpy naked.  That is more soul crushing, hands down.  Here it is.  Marshall is terrible on defense and Matthew McConaughey is not showing up as a fake coach and inspiring this team to a heart felt win.  My guess is afterwards Marshall is going to wish they all died in a plane wreck.  Florida Int. (-4)

Poinsettia Bowl
TCU (-10) vs. Louisiana Tech

Is there another bowl out there more homosexual sounding than the Poinsettia Bowl?  What are the qualifications to play in it?  Is there a one cock suck minimum to gain an invite?  I can't believe a ranked team is playing in such a shitty bowl BEFORE Christmas.  That's as cool as my girlfriend's tardbox cat eating garbage then promptly puking at the foot of the bed.  Short breakdown.  Both teams can score it and both teams have average defenses but TCU has Pachall...and Pachall fucked your sister last night with relative ease.  Not that those two things are related in any way.  TCU (-10)
Boise St. (-14.5) vs. Arizona St.

Once again, the lesson to be learned here is if you are a mid-major...don't fucking lose a game unless you want to play in terrible bowl games no one cares about.  Jesus Herbert Christ, another ranked team playing before Christmas.  The horror.  This has Boise "Uppercutting ASU's poop hole" written all over it but I actually like ASU to keep it relatively close.  Osweiler isn't nearly as bad as most of the QB's Boise has faced all year and 14.5 is a ton to cover considering how high octane ASU's offense can be.  ASU (+14.5)

Hawaii Bowl
Nevada (+6) vs. Southern Miss

Well, well, well.  If it isn't the team I kept mistaking Houston for.  You know, for that brief moment when we all pretended to care about C-USA football.  I treat C-USA the same way I treat the homeless and smelly fat people who reek like a burrito is rotting away in one of their fatty skin flaps.  Blatant ignoring while going out of my way to keep as far away from them as possible.  And what do you know?  This is the WAC vs. C-USA.  I literally care zero about this match up soooooooooooo...........Southern Miss (-6)

Independence Bowl
Missouri (-5) vs. North Carolina

This one's pretty easy for me.  Big 12 > than ACC.  Missouri > North Carolina in conference record.  North Carolina > Central Prison in criminal activity.  The only question I had was how in the fuck was Blaine Gabbert able to trick everyone into thinking he was an NFL quarterback.  Good thing people in Jacksonville don't even realize an NFL team still lives there.  I would say the Jags are even worse than the Browns, but I don't want to lie to you good people.  I'm getting off track here.  Missouri (-5)

There you go, snatch napkins.  Put your picks in the comment section and as always...obey the spread.  Here are the current standings after week 1.

Iceman 2-1
Gmoney 2-1
Drew 2-1
Lil Strut 2-1
Dut 2-1
Prime 2-1
Lange 1-2
Andrew 1-2

Ace 0-3
Damman 0-3

Next Tuesday we'll be previewing games from December 27th through January 2nd.  And holy finger blasting fat chicks on the dance floor is there a lot of em.  I'll be keeping my brilliant break downs to a minimum so this column doesn't get longer than John Madden's nose hair.  Oh...and Merry Christmas, toilet whores.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.V

Somebody do a Mapquest for this town...I went to spend the holidays there
What the fuck?  How does a team roll through their season and then can't even beat the fucking Chiefs?  Whether you like the Packers or not is irrelevant because the '72 Dolphins are popping the champagne again and that makes us all losers.  LOSERS.  Can you believe that the perfect season was ruined by Romeo Crennel and broken-fingered Kyle Orton Express?  That's gay.  Orton is an elite drunk as any Google image search will prove, but he shouldn't be beating anything but his whiskey dick.  Stupid goddamn Mike McCarthy looking like an egg.  They didn't even have any pressure to replicate McClure Pony League 1995 either since all of the spotlight is on Denver and their Jesusback.  That was simply a choke.  Thanks for nothing, Aaron Rodgers.

The NFL - Hey assholes, you only have to put each team on primetime once.  There is ZERO demand for three Jaguars games at night.  None.

Blaine Gabbert - I'm so happy that the Redskins passed on this guy.  He blows and is scared.

Wild claims - Lange sort of mentioned this on Friday but I want to hit it home:  Maurice Jones-Drew is the best running back in the NFL.  Period.  

Raheem Morris - It must be nice to watch your team quit on you.  It must be nice to keep your job because management doesn't see anyone fitting to be an interim coach.

Johnny Knox's flexibility - What a little bitch...can't even take a spine-bending hit and survive!

Caleb Hanie - This guy is absolutely shitty.  He is, without question, the worst quarterback in the league.  The Bears are done.  Thanks for those two pick sixes, Caleb, since Damman is still starting Seattle D for some reason.

Sam Hurd - This story just keeps getting more awesome.  While the act of drug-dealing is shady as fuck, you've got to appreciate Hurd's desire to be the biggest drug dealer in all of Chicago.  I hope that his blackbook gets released because I guarantee than Trent Williams and Fred Davis are in that bitch.  Dude's going to spend the rest of his life in jail though.  It was totes worth it, I bet.

Tennessee - Way to lose to the Colts.  I'm sorry, that isn't fair.  Way to get DESTROYED by the Colts.

Matthew Hasselbeck - I have no idea why this guy is still starting.  He blows and Locker is better.

Jermichael Finley - CANNOT CATCH.  At all.  Finley might be the most overrated player in the NFL.

Rams and Vikings - Whatevs.

ELIte Manning - I can't believe that the Redskins swept the Giants this season.  That is embarrassing.  I also don't like how we helped the Cowboys.  Is it just me or should the Giants be way better than 7-7?  After a shaky first quarter, The Sex Cannon looked terrific.  We're fucking up our draft position though.

TJ Yates - Week fifteen was sort of the end of quite a few good runs like Eli looking elite, the Packers win streak, and Yates appearing to be a competent QB.  After a team has clinched their division, it's almost a guarantee that they will get beat the next week.  Shame on Texans fans for booing them though.  Maybe they'd rather have those 7-9 teams back again?

Bills Defense - Bad day for upstate New York with Commenter Daniel getting steamrolled by G$ in the DFL playoffs and the Bills defense letting Reggie fucking Bush drop 2 bills on them.

The Cruel Mistress - I have all four of my fantasy teams in the playoffs.  I've daydreamed about winning all 4 of those leagues and then getting asked to join the cast of The League.  But the reality is that fantasy football is a bitch that likes to fuck you at the worst moment.  And thus my MSFL team that was awesome for 14 weeks shit their knickers on me this week and now I am done.  That blows.  I will not congratulate Damman because I am superior but I will take the high road and say that HE GOT LUCKY!!!  Green-Ellis and Beanie blow!  Ugh, fantasy I hate to lose.

Colt McCoy - I couldn't help but notice that he was not missed this week.  Arizona or Seattle better not make the playoffs.

Lion/Raiders WTF!!! - That was a pretty incredible finish as Megatron finally came back from his 5 straight weeks of shittiness to PWN.  In the 3rd quarter, I was thinking to myself that the Lions have no identity anymore on offense.  Then Chins went buck wild on that Raiders defense and that is the kind of win that gets a team's mojo back. 

Rex Ryan's defense - The fuck was that?

Meaningless records - Shady McCoy broke some old fucker's franchise touchdown record.  Whatever.  This is not the Andy Reid that I know who is afraid of running the ball.  Yes, the reason that the Eagles suck this year is because of McCoy.  FACT!

Everyone on the Broncos but Tebow! - Damn.  I really wanted that Statehouse rimjob from Grumpy.  I didn't think that Double T played poorly actually.  He threw the ball fairly well but the turnovers were killer.  Oh well, Tebow is still going to beat the Steelers.

At least I'm on my way to the DFL Super Bowl to battle the team of Ide/Buke.  I am not afraid.  Ide may have the smut business in his bloodlines, but I am still superior.  I am too depressed about the MSFL to proofread with it.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Because Fridays Were Made For Mail-Ins

Angelina Valentine is good at what she does.  Familiarize yourself with her.
I really, REALLY want to breakdown my fantasy football playoff matchups this week but I understand that you all would hate me for that. If my opponents would like to give it a go, then I will reply in the comments. I’ve got Reba in the G$FL, Damman in the MSFL, and Daniel in the DFL…I’m favored in all 3. Let’s get three big dubyas this weekend! In lieu of me blabbing on and on, today is just going to be a hit-and-run type post. I’ve got some topics, a few opinions, and I’m out.

Tebowmania is starting to get kind of annoying…even to me. I’m not mad at the kid though since it isn’t his fault. It isn’t going to make me ever root against him (because I won’t). But it would be nice if ESPN and—who am I kidding, it’s just ESPN—would take a little break on telling me every little detail of his existence that I already knew anyway. And to those of you who hate the guy, let me ask you this: How awesome is it that Trent Dilfer and Merrill Hoge were wrong? It’s very awesome. I want them (especially Hoge) to continue to be wrong because he is an asshole. And I’d rather keep being beaten over the head with Churchy McGee than find out more details about child molestation. I guess I’m just old fashioned.

That being said, I kind of like Denver to pull the upset on Sunday. If Bill Belichick is this awesome coach then why the fuck is he playing a college QB converted to punt returner converted to wide receiver converted to defense now in the secondary? You can’t tell me that there are ZERO people on the planet that play better nickel corner than Julian Edelman (who apparently thinks he’s good enough to talk shit on the field…he is definitely not). At least he spent two second round picks on terrible RBs and has Ryan Mallet for no reason at all.  Belichick sucks. Prediction: Tebow throws for 300 yards and scores three touchdowns in a 27-24 Denver victory.

Speaking of child rapists, how about that new lawyer on the Sandusky defense team?  Implying that ol' Jerry was teaching those boys how to properly take a shower is LOLZ.  I used to think that Roger Clemens had the worst lawyer ever, but Team Sandusky is ELITE at being putrid.

I like how the Browns are throwing their medical staff under the bus with this whole Colt McCoy concussion fiasco. Apparently, they didn’t see the play because they were tending to other injured players. OK, well when the quarterback comes off the field reciting the alphabet in Martian, a chimp could figure out that he might have something wrong upstairs. I say it every week and I’ll say it again: The Browns are terrible. Damman was telling me that a month or so ago, after another great Browns loss, some guy called into STO or sports talk or whatever 100% convinced that Pat Shurmur was retarded. Best phone call ever?

Did you know that Marshawn fucking Lynch has scored a touchdown in NINE straight games? That sounds like a lie since Lynch blows but I assure you that it is not.

Chris Paul was finally traded. Everyone seems to want to kill Dan Gilbert for his letter to Stern vetoing the CP3 to Lakers deal (like Simmons) yet Mark Cuban voted against it, too. Nobody is saying shit about Cubes giving a big FUCK YOU to the Lakers. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I want my owner to shut the fuck up.

Anyone else watch the pilot episode for Luck last Sunday on HBO? I thought it was great. Richard Kind sucks like he does in everything but the rest of the cast seemed solid including the crotchety Nick Nolte (still the best mug shot ever). And any time that I can watch a woman stick her arm up a horse’s ass, I’m watching that shit.

The only thing that my wife wants for Christmas is an upgrade on a kitchen appliance that is currently the most frustrating piece of machinery that I’ve ever been forced to use. I tell her that I will get whatever she picks out. But she won’t pick out anything and leaves the final decision up to me. Why? Because she wants to be surprised on Christmas! I am GUARANTEED to fuck this up and get the wrong one. Why does she continue to play mind games with me? JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT DAMMIT! Never get married.

A new business took over half of the first floor offices in my building this week and I swear that they only hire hot chicks. I haven’t even remotely seen one uggo come out of their doors yet. That’s my kind of company.

Urban Meyer is starting to build his DREAM TEAM staff. He has Tom (and Doug) Herman coming from Iowa State to run the offense and Luke Fickell is apparently NOT the DC yet but will be calling plays (I don’t understand what this means). As an Ohio State hater, I’m more than happy to see the Cyclones offense combined with the 2011 terrible anOSU defense. 7 straight BCS titles are all but a formality now!!! For the record, I don’t know if these are good or bad hires, but they don’t feel like DREAM TEAM hires.

Who watched the 24/7 Rangers/Flyers Road to the Winter Classic on Wednesday? This series continues to be fucking awesome. Ilya Bryzgalov might be the most insane athlete ever. I want to no more about his thoughts on the universe.

Those are enough talking points for the day, I believe. Before we exit for the weekend, I would like you all to wish my fantasy football teams (Franklin and Bash Bros, The Million Dollar Men, and Caylee Anthony Makeout Party) the best of luck. We don’t need it, but you should want to be a part of a winning team for once in your life.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

What's In YOUR Post-Coital Gift Basket?

On the set of an early-90's Color Me Badd video shoot???
I am in a terrible mood. I got totally fucked over by my umpire assigner. I am furious. Quick one today:

Derek Jeter is in the news this week for his less than chivalrous behavior. Apparently, since he is single again he has resumed the role of “Supermodel Pussy Destroyer”. If this is true, he likes to take them back to his house, use them, abuse them, call them a car, get them the fuck out of his apartment, and leave them with a lovely gift basket filled with autographs and scented fleshlights and God knows what else. I don’t see what the problem is. Bitches get to receive a superstar’s seed AND they get presents!

I think that this is really funny and cool. If I could do it, I would. And that is the topic for today:

What would you leave in a gift basket for your piece of ass after you’ve shown her the door?

Damman – A “YES FAT CHICKS” t-shirt
Prime – Copies of his CD’s, guitar picks, and a plaster mold of his johnson
Naptown Wolverine – a box of Hungry Jack instant mashed potatoes and Just For Men
Seal – A jar of Tony Delk’s sweat and a handful of wetnaps to wipe the shit off their chest
Beanie – Is he still alive?
Drew – He would have his driver kick her in the ribs and then claim that every one of us would want him as their driver…also instructions for cleaning a Cocoa Stroker
Grumpy – Ben Gay, hard candy, and a pamphlet on osteoporosis
Ide – Pig’s feet, grape soda, and a Best of the Source Awards DVD
Mr. Ace – Whatever it is it will be 80% vegan and probably a baggy of his dog's shit
Li’l Strut – His brother’s old political yard signs and a 19,000 word thesis on the benefits of recruiting
The Iceman – Brady Hoke sunglasses and a ton of terrible analogies
Lange – Swisher Sweets and a guidebook for excellent fantasy football play
Dut – A note stating, “Sorry, I thought you were a guy” and a couple of mid-80’s Playgirls
Brady – I haven’t figured Brady out yet…he’d probably ask the skank to stay and cuddle

And me, well, I only give out the finest: Pictures of Tim Tebow, miniature American flags, a Hot Rod Williams Starting Lineup figure, and vibrating cock rings.

I feel like this is a topic that we can have fun with. Have at it. What are you putting in your Jeter-esque giftbag? And how could any man dump Minka Kelly? And do you think Jeter is a robot in the sack or does he bring out nipple clamps and speculums?  Needless to say, Derek Jeter (even approaching 40) is still one of the coolest guys on the planet.

And just a reminder, if you haven't joined up, feel free to do so. BOWL PICK 'EM!!!  ID is 17565 and the password is gmoney. Win free shit like Uncle T's game-worn anal beads!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Yancy Gates Splits Wigs (And Other Thoughts)

A truly ELITE Wig Splitter.
I think that it’s more evident than ever that the college basketball regular season is largely pointless. That really sucks because I used to be such a huge fan of the sport. I remember a November game between Sparty and Gonzaga that went 3 overtimes and was sick but you know what, it didn’t mean anything because both teams made the tournament. Unless you care about conference titles or are in a one-bid league (or root for a Charlie Coles-coached team in which your season is over after 5 games because he is a terrible coach that stifles his talent and plays mind games with his players for no apparent goddamn reason yet won’t fucking retire GOD DAMMIT), everything outside of March is a waste of time. And that blows. I need to feel a sense of urgency, a sense of importance and we do not get that from college basketball. But this past weekend, the sport was wildly entertaining even if it may or may not mean much. For example:

The Crosstown Sucker Punch – There are so many things to say regarding this fucking disaster. First of all, I am desensitized to violence so the scene itself was not “shocking” or “disgusting” to me. If anything, it was just a bunch of guys proving racial stereotypes to be true. For the sake of this blog and Ide’s well-being, there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s just a bunch of black dudes with no self-control! So let’s break it down into some bullet-points
*Kenny Frease is a goddamn gargoyle rat bastard with a drinking problem (fact). People (like me) have wanted to knock that big fuck out for awhile now.
*Tu Holloway started it all because he talks too fucking much and must believe that there are never any consequences to his own actions.
*Yancy Gates is a fucking idiot. This isn’t Rosa Parks Park or wherever he plays pick-up games. It’s all televised. You just can’t throw random haymakers because some guy is laughing at your loss and get away with it.
*I think that Mick “Willow” Cronin is a shitty head coach but he was awesome in his postgame press conference screaming about how embarrassed he was and that playing college basketball is a privilege and whatnot. He handled it perfectly.
*Unfortunately, his punishments didn’t match his outrage. Gates and Mbodj (and someone else) only got 6 games and only one of those is during conference play. That doesn’t add up to me. I don’t know if I would have kicked Gates off the team, but I’m sitting his ass at least 10 games. I can handle the brawl, but Middle America (not sure about Middle Earth) probably can’t and likely wanted more than this slap on the wrist.
*Speaking of press conferences, WHY THE FUCK DID XAVIER LET TU AND MARK LYONS TALK? This was a worse idea than Gates cold-cocking a big white asshole. “Come here, guys, you just started (and they did) a massive and ugly brawl against your arch rival that led to the game ending early. How about you go out there and talk to the media.”—This is pretty much what X’s SID did. That guy should be fired and guillotined.
*Gangstas, eh? Tu Holloway should get 10 games for being a fucktard. At least he isn’t a thug though! JUST GANGSTA!
*Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your enjoyment level, X and UC will likely shelf this series for the next few years (at least). It’s probably for the best. UC is terrible.
*I’m sort of disappointed that we didn’t hear about a few Xavier guys driving back to Clifton that night “looking” for Gates in a kamikaze-like attempt to even the score. Then it could have been like that scene in A Bronx Tale where everyone gets Molotov cocktailed. Maybe then Miami would have a chance to beat those two schools. Doubtful. That about covers my thoughts on that.
*Oh! Speaking of “Sucker Punch”, for a movie with no nudity at all, that was about the most boner-ific film I’ve seen in a long time. The DSL’s on the main character chick are firmly entrenched in the ol’ spank bank. Totes recommend it.

Ohio State got Rocked, Chalked, and Jayhawked – Since I don’t actively hate Buckeye hoops, I have no real reason to sit and gloat about a road loss to a good team without their superstar player. It meant nothing. If anything, it probably helped. Getting a bad taste in your mouth and competing less than full strength are good things. I actually like that Evan Ravenel kid. There are only two black guys in the world named Evan and Thad Matta got them both to play for him. Evan is such a stupid fucking name. Bob Knight is fucking terrible at commentating. I am certain that he was asleep for 80% of the game.

Indiana Basketball is back? – I realized something on Saturday evening, it’s not a bad thing when Indiana is good at hoops. And they appear to be back after that thrilling win over Seal’s Wildcats. That was a great game. I don’t care much for Tom Crean (he looks like a guy that would delight in farting in your face), but he’s done a pretty sick job in Bloomington; resurrecting that program from the depths of Bolivian that Kelvin Sampson took it to. I’m looking forward to the first Zeller/Sullinger matchup. Oh, and while Indiana is arguably a top ten hoops program historically, that was one of the finest and most deserving floor stormings that you will ever see. Well done, Hoosiers.

Charlie Weis standing ovation? – Easily the most humorous portion of the anOSU/KU game was this blob getting a standing O from the crowd. He can’t even stand up without using a goddamn cane! What a terrible hire. This guy has been a disaster everywhere he’s been outside of New England. I can’t wait for him to fail again.

In conclusion, it’s nice to see that THUGBALL has made its triumphant return to UC Basketball. It has been awhile since they were rightfully portrayed as the villains. Somewhere in Hell (or Morgantown…same thing), Bob Huggins must be smiling like an asshole.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Bowl Season, Bitches.


^ This joke should make sense later.  There are few things worse than listening to someone bitch about a bad fantasy football beat.  But this tale is especially gruesome so I'm venting today because A) I'm super pissed and this is the only way I know how to cope and B) you don't have anything else better to do.  I'm basically doing this for me because I really don't care about any of you or what you want.  Let's set the stage...

The auction league I'm in starts 2 QB, 3 RB, 3 WR, 1 kicker and has 3 divisions of 4 teams each.  Gayer than AIDS, I know...but it's how it's always been done.  Just like Ide hating everyone who isn't white.  I started off 0-4 and slowly battled my way back into contention.  This week (final week of the regular season) the stakes were and win the division ($100)/make the playoffs, lose and miss the playoffs completely.  Obviously, you know what happened or else I wouldn't be boring you with this.  I lost.  But this wasn't any normal loss.  This was a special kind of loss.  A deep pounding of the anus so dirty and rough it will leave stress fractures on your pelvis.  Here is the short version details.

I found out early that AP was inactive.  I squealed like a pig-tailed bitch eating pudding when I heard this news since my opponent then had to start Dexter McCluster instead of AP.  Mark it zero, Dude.  Things were going perfectly so I shut the computer down and began watching a movie.  Around 7:30 PM I received a text from my younger brother that read, "How pissed are you right now?".  Now, I never get "good news" texts from him since it's his life long fucking quest to intentionally evoke volcano anger from me so I instantly knew something sour was in the oven.  Without even looking, I already knew.  Kevin Kolb got hurt and John Skelton went fucking off.  That's right.  My opponent started John Fucking Skelton as his #2 quarterback and broke off 31 points in my asshole thus knocking me out of the playoffs.  Let me repeat.  My opponent started a quarterback INTENTIONALLY who has not seen game action in four weeks and I lost because of it.

I want John Skelton dead.  I want to light his pubes on fire...and I know he has them.  Virgins always have pubes.  Only people who get pussy on a regular basis manscape the crotch.  There's no way this ogre has ever been within 500 feet of a naked vagina without deliberately breaking some sort of restraining order.  This is easily top 5 worst losses of all fucking time.  While I head butt a stack of kitchen knives, let's preview the 3 bowl games happening this week.  Remember...get your picks in today or suffer the fate of John Skelton.

Ron New Mexico Bowl

Temple (-7) vs. Wyoming - 2PM

John Chaney looks like an owl.  That's all I can ever think of whenever I see anything Temple related.  Here's the deal.  Wyoming has a hard time scoring and Temple doesn't give up a lot of points.  Plus everyone forced to live in Wyoming is most likely battling depression constantly.  You can't win football games if you're constantly thinking about deep throating the tail pipe of your uncle's '62 Chevy after putting a cinder block on the gas pedal.  Temple will control the clock with the run game and keep what Wyoming is calling an offense off the field.  Temple (-7).

Idaho Potato Bowl

Utah State (-3) vs. Ohio - 5:30PM

Even though the Bobcats have to travel to the other side of the fucking earth to play against Utah State (who pretty much has a home game here) I'm going to say "Fuck it, two tears in a bucket" and go with OU despite that.  It's not that OU has an offense that will twist your tits off.  I mean, OU can move the ball a little but when you play a team who's defense ranks close to 100 in points against like the Aggies, I'll bet on the offense.  I saw first hand last year (Michigan) what a fucking horrific defense is capable of.  Bobcats (+3).

New Orleans Bowl

LA-Lafayette (+4.5) vs. San Diego State

Hmmmm.  Tough call here.  On one hand, Jake Delhomme was a Rajun Cajun and that means LA-Laf's football program should never be taken seriously.  Ever.  On the other hand Herman Edwards went to SDSU...and he reminds me of that creepy old guy who touches girls inappropriately but in an inconspicuous manner so that he can always claim ignorance.  Not only that, but he's totally that guy who just gets too God damn close to your face whenever he's talking to you.  So close that the garlic stench coming off his moustache brings you to tears from the violent dry heaving it causes.  And STOP FUCKING TOUCHING MY ARM WHEN YOU TALK TO ME, HERM!!  SOME PEOPLE ENJOY THEIR PERSONAL SPACE!!!  Yeah...Aztecs (-4.5).

So there it is, fudge packers.  That is top notch fucking bowl coverage if I do say so myself.  Next week I'll be previewing games from Tuesday December 20th to Monday December 26th.  Oh about the Heisman too if you feel inclined to do so.  Personally I think it went to the right guy since most Heisman trophy winners spit shine taints in the NFL.  If you want to know how RG3's NFL career is gonna go, just use Troy Smiff's career as a guide.  Enjoy, penis wrinkles.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Worst Of Week Fourteen Vol.V

I'm looking for Mike Hunt!
I was watching the Army/Navy game on Saturday because it's my duty as an American and I was reminded of something that has been gnawing at me for the last few years:  Gary Danielson is fucking SHIT as a commentator.  He managed to somehow make me root against both teams.  I don't know if he went to broadcasting school at ESPN or not, but it seems that way as he spends the entire game screaming into the mic.  What an asshole.  And Danielson calls a game like Peter King if his audience is comprised entirely of ten year olds that have never seen a football game before.  I hate Gary Danielson.  An announcing stud like Verne Lundquist deserves better than having to work with that dipshit.

Anyway, on to week 14's crap-a-palooza.  First stop: Heinz Field AKA America's Toilet!

Bruce Arians - The much-maligned and oft-criticized Steelers OC is pretty much rotten.  I'm not even talking about his 4 goalline stuffs either.  STOP RUNNING CHARITY PLAYS FOR HINES WALD.  He's done.  He can't play anymore.  When he does get a catch, he fumbles.  The Steelers have what could be the next Wayne and Harrison with Wallace and Brown, there is no need to waste plays on Smiry Joe.

James Harrison - Killing Colt McCoy was shockingly not illegal...but leading with the crown of the head was.  When will you learn, you big dumbfuck?  I don't think that the NFL should suspend him though.  Speaking of that play...

The Browns Doctors - Good job letting McCoy keep playing!  You do know that it's your job to protect him from himself, right?  Staph infections and now concussions...the Browns treat their players right!  By the way, this football games was a goddamn embarrassment to the NFL.  Shit.

Big Ben haters - You've got to give him credit even if you hate him as a person:  the guy is a fucking warrior.

Pacman Jones - There he is!  There's the man we all know and love committing a huge penalty that led to a late, heart-breaking Bengals loss.

TJ Yates's parents - So nice of their starting QB son getting his folks some seats two rows from the sun.  Was it possible for CBS to show these people any more?

The refs in the Lions/Vikings game - Just going to ignore that obvious facemask on the final play, eh?  Uh, ok.  Joe Webb sick.  Christian Ponder suck.

The agility of Matt Hasselbeck - It's always awesome to see someone get hurt doing nothing.

Dolphins, Chiefs, Bucs, Panthers, and Colts - Doo-doo stains.  Enough said.

The constant wussification of the NFL - I hope that you all saw that bullshit personal foul penalty that Jeff Triplette and crew gave to London Fletcher on precious Tommy Brady.  Brady forgets to slide.  Fletch crushes him cleanly.  Flag thrown for a forearm to the head even though a forearm did not touch Brady in the head.  That is some bullshit.  I was furious when this happened which made me happy that I still cared about the Redskins winning football games.

Trent Williams - According to PFT, The Silverback (currently suspended for 4 games) has failed ELEVEN drug tests this year.  HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!

Game-planning against the Patriots - I don't understand how Rob Gronkowski continues to be so wide open.  He is the only threat in that offense that can beat you beyond 10 yards.  Jim Haslett's defense appeared to not even know who he was.

Pissypants Tom Brady - Awwww, did the pretty boy not like it when his coach called him out for throwing a shitty pass?  Get fucked in the butt, Brady.  You know who throws tantrums on the sideline?  T.O.  I can't wait for New England to lose their first playoff game this year.  I mean, serial, who let's the Redskins score 27 points???

Late game bonanza! - The Raiders look like a bottom-feeding Pac-12 team.  The Packers are still going to run the table.  The Niners lost a classic letdown game that everyone saw coming.  Kevin Kolb The Hut blows.  The Bills are shit.  Now that that is out of the way...

Marion Barber - He lost that game.  Going out of bounds out of sheer stupidity and fumbling when the game was over.  Lance Briggs should kill him on the flight home.  And he might.

TEBOW-FUCKING-MANIA!!! - Holy shit.  This just keeps happening...EVERY WEEK.  Unreal stuff.  I'm buying into it big time.  This is something special that we're seeing.  Yeah, he was butt-herpes in the first three quarters.  Ya know what, doesn't matter.  I am now fully in love with Tim Tebow (if I wasn't already).  I wish that I was a Broncos fan.  Haters still gonna hate, but Tebow is still gonna win.  I still can't believe that that just happened.  UNREAL.

What the fuck, NFL - Why wasn't New England @ Tebow flexed into the Sunday Night game next week?  Ravens/Chargers isn't bad, I guess, but AMERICA DEMANDS PRIMETIME TEBOW, DAMMIT!!!

Raise your hand if you're pumped for tonight's awesome Rams/Seahawks game!  By the way, ESPN paid over a billion dollars to show games this epic.  As always, I'm going to ask you to keep the comments on the NFL today.  I already have a lengthy post planned about Saturday's Crosstown Sucker Punch but I'm waiting for all the suspensions to come down first.  Deuces.

Friday, December 09, 2011

The Sixth Annual Weisman Award Goes To:

The patron saint himself.
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has it's own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Weisman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Weisman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Weisman Award winners:
2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. We did last year with Cammy Cam Cam.  We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game.  And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field. 

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curbstomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never be considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2011 Weisman Award winner.

Those who were not invited:
Andrew Luck - For the life of me, I can’t understand why Luck got invited to New York. I am well aware that he is going to the truth at the next level and that he speaks like the Cookie Monster, but I need more. The guy averaged 264 yards and 3 touchdown passes per game. Very good, but not ELITE. If The Weisman was given out to the guy who was best at handing the ball off or throwing to tight ends, then Luck might be considered. But it isn’t so you keep working on that degree in architecture, jerk.
LaMichael James - I have very little respect for the products of gimmicky systems. But I’ll be nice since I don’t want to be on the business end of LaMichael’s titanic under-bite
Trent Richardson - T-Rich is another example of someone that is going to kill it in the NFL, but exactly what was I supposed to be impressed by this year? What was his signature moment? Don’t even think about saying “Auburn” because Paul Finebaum could score thrice on that defense. Richardson was held to 37 yards by Kent State by the way.
Brandon Weeden - Dude, you’re an old man. Why are you still playing college football? Get out of here.
Case Keenum - Pffffffffft, way to not win Conference USA…whatever that is
Tyrann Mathieu - I give no fucks about “The Honey Badger” and his playmaking abilities. Here is what I know about him: he isn’t even the best cornerback on his team, he was suspended (for drugs I think) earlier this season, and he clotheslined a Roll Damn Tider in a blatant cheap shot. I don’t respect that or his stupid hair. He’ll fit in well with the Lions though.

The invitees:
Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State - In my opinion, he is the best player in the country and it really isn't close. He's built like goddamn T.O. yet appears to be the nicest guy ever. I saw something where he's BFFs with some little white girl that has leukemia. That's cool as shit. Enjoy your time with the Rams, JB!
Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin - He's good, but I don't think he's THAT good...if that makes sense. I'm fairly certain that any decent back could put up a monster in Wisconsin's system. But still, 38 touchdowns is 38 touchdowns so I better recognize. I just won't give him the award.
Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor - Come Saturday night, he better be the one holding the trophy at 9 pm. There is no one more exciting to watch in college football. He might as well call himself The Rock because RG3 is the most electrifying man in football today. And if you disagree with Griffin winning the award just ask yourself this: When was the last time that Baylor was relevant? Yet he only finished third in the Weisman vote. If Griffin is third and Ball, Luck, Richardson, and Mathieu have already been mentioned, then WHO THE HELL ARE THE TOP TWO!!!
Collin Klein, QB, Kansas State - Who? Oh, Klein only had 12 touchdown passes this season but did you know who finished second in rushing touchdowns behind Ball? Yep. CK had 26 of them bitches. Kansas State finished 10-2 this season. Did you even realize that? That's incredible. I'm giving Klein the runner-up trophy for resurrecting a dead program and doing so with a badass season.

The 2011 winner of The Money Shot's Weisman Award is...

Matt Barkley, QB, USC.
I don't care if I'm called a Barkley jock sniffer. I really don't. The guy lived up to all of the expectations this season and then some. Hell, USC and their 65 scholarship players and no bowl eligibility are ranked FIFTH in the AP. That is amazing. The Trojans play primarily all Freshmen and Sophomores.

Matt Barkley threw for more yards, more touchdown passes, and less interceptions than Andrew Luck this year. All FACTS. Barkley had signature games on the road at both Notre Dame and Oregon. It actually boggles my mind that he didn't finish in the top 5 of the Heisman vote. In my opinion, he was the best player in college football this year. So congrats, Matt Barkley, on winning the 2011 Weisman Trophy.

And if you decide to go back to USC for your Senior season (as Matt Kalil is apparently doing for some dumb fucking reason even though he's a top 3 pick), I will take this fucking award back. Everything is shaping up for you to be a Redskin. As some boy band once mouth-queefed, "quit playing games with my heart".  Go pro, dammit.

So there you go. Six years in a row of getting it right while the actual Heisman voters continually fuck it all up. I'm going to celebrate another year of being wise with some college hockey tonight. Go RedHawks!