Wednesday, August 31, 2011

CFB Preview Day 3: Find Me That Dog!

This is, like, the saddest thing ever.  'Bout to get a little misty-eyed up in this piece.
You'll have to forgive me.  It's hard to type when I'm bawling my eyes out.  How did I just hear about this yesterday?  Apparently, a Navy SEAL was killed at some point recently (I don't know any the details but it will be one dead guy that we don't mock here) and had a service back home.  Yes, that is his dog laying on the ground by the casket.  Holy shit, that is so sad.  This is yet another reason why dogs rule and cats blow.  Do you think that Garfield would do that?  No, that fat fuck would be out pounding lasagna.

Apparently, the Iowa football team wants to make this dog their mascot this season and have it lead them out of the tunnel (for just home games, I think).  But Iowa needs to get this approved by the NCAA first for some reason.  Oh please, NCAA, find it in your cold black hearts to allow this to happen.  I would honestly root for Iowa and their team filled with drug dealers to go undefeated if this awesome dog was on the sideline.  I'll even go so far as to start today's post about Bold Predictions by saying that if this dog is part of the Iowa football program this year...NATIONAL CHAMPS.  Yeah, I'm still weeping, wanna fight about it?  Let's just get to the predictions.

Damman: Bold Predictions - 1. This is the year that Boise St. breaks through and plays for the title. The schedule is a joke again outside of going to Georgia . But they will win that game and run the table. A win over an SEC team on the road will impress voters enough to vote them to #1 at seasons end and they will play for the title.
2. Nebraska will finish 3rd in their division (Leaders or Legends, I’m not sure. I know it’s been said a million times, but how retarded are those names?) with a 4-4 record. Their conference schedule is brutal. They get the 3 best teams from the other division in their crossover games (vs Ohio St, at Penn St and at Wisconsin) as well as having to go to Michigan (you’ll see why that will be tough in my next bold prediction). The schedule is just too tough and the Cornhuskers will disappoint in their first season in the B1G.
3. We will get a double dose of Ohio St vs Michigan this year. That’s right boys and girls, the Bucks and the Steve Sharippa led Wolverines will meet in the first Big 10 championship game. Ohio State will need to win the regular season matchup (which they will) to make the title game while Michigan will be able to back into the championship game with 3 conference losses because they are in the Big 12 North version of the Big 10. The main reason why these 2 were separated was to have the dream scenario of having them matchup in the championship games and it will come to pass in the first year. The Bucks will also win the rematch behind their “Us against the World” mentality that will fuel their entire season. It will be sweet, sweet vindication for the next big thing in college coaching, Luke Fickell.*
(*At the time of this writing Ohio St. was still eligible for postseason play and while they may not be eligible for the title game, it’s looking pretty good that they will so I rolled the dice on this. G$ telling us not to focus on Ohio St. was in part the driving force behind this prediction)

The Wig Master: Bold Predictions - 1. Heard it from a friend who…Heard it from a friend who…The BCS National Championship Game will not feature an SEC team.
2. Notre Dame finishes in the top 10.
3. The ol' ball coach and South Carolina get an SEC title.
3a) “Full Beer Day” catches on. On January 1st, you must finish, at a minimum, a six-pack of full beer. G Funk’s dad is a founding member of the movement behind this new holiday!(ed. note - I have no idea what he's talking about.)

Drew: Bold Predictions - 1. Stanford will play in the NCG.
2. Ohio State will win the first B1G Championship Game giving the ultimate fuck you to all of the haters.
3. Denard Robinson will be injured and won't be able to play in the OSU/Michigan game.

GSaul: Bold Precitions - 1. The last time that Ohio State beat Michigan was 2009. Make it two years now! Hoke-a-mania takes down Fickell up North on November 26.
2. Duke goes bowling this year before they go dancing. First time since the 1994 season.
3. Nick Saban is the next coach to create NCAA controversy. Two titles in the past 8 years with two different programs (LSU '03, Bama '09) while being just a below average NFL coach in between (15-17 with the Dolphins from '05-'06). Something does not smell right.

Dut: Bold Predictions - 1. Ohio State makes it to the B1G championship game despite all the hate.
2. Nebraska has at least 3 B1G losses
3. Notre Dame makes a BCS bowl (only because their schedule is garbage)

G$: Bold Predictions - 1. I firmly believe that Wisconsin wins the Big Ten and I love Russell Wilson, but I don't see him having a huge, mega positive impact on that offense. He'll be just OK. They will win because of Ball and White.
2. South Florida begins their transformation into a monster program. They have the right coach in Skip Holtz and now they are going to start getting a large chunk of kids that normally went to The U. Not only will they win the Big East this year, but they are about to become a powerhouse.
3. Everyone seems to think that Auburn will struggle this year. O RLY? When has a Gus Malzahn offense ever struggled? I've read many 6-6 projections for the War Eagles (what does that even mean?). They're playing in one of those Jan 2 bowls.  Book it.

There are few things that I don't understand but a couple of them were brought up today:
1. Why does GSaul ALWAYS talk about Duke Football?
2. Why is it virtually impossible for Ohio State fans to not talk about Ohio State?  Three anOSU fans contributed this week and all of them had to name drop the Fuckeyes today.  All of them.  Guess what, assholes?  Ohio State winning the fucking Legends or Leaders is not bold.  It's barely news-worthy.
3. How can I go about adopting that dog?  I want to make him my Executive Vice President.

Might want to tune in tomorrow.  Why?  Oh, nothing special...we're picking the Heisman winner and naming Mr. Ace's replacement.  Right now, Drew and The Iceman are in a dead heat.  Li'l Strut has some ground to make up.  Ide has less of a chance than Mike Flanagan.  Don't's OK...feel free to sit on the edge of your seat.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

CFB Preview Day 2: You Are Not Elite

Yeah, that was about the most "Situation" situation ever.  And exactly what yesterday was like.
Oof.  Yesterday was a pretty grueling day.  What started as an innocent debate on overrated and underrated teams quickly turned into a violent shitstorm where people were saying insane things like Ted Ginn and Mike Nugent are elite NFL players.  Let's hope that that doesn't happen again.  Because if it does, I'm totes going to start headbutting a concrete wall and thus spend a night in an Italian hospital.  What a tremendous "fight" that was.  It really made me miss Gus Frerotte...and the Redskins Gus Frerotte jersey that I once asked my dad to buy for me.  Oh Situation, don't ever change.

Anyway, in part 2 of College Football Preview Week, it's time to hand out some much needed pink slips and make you aware of some under the radar players.  As always, the same cast of deviants is with us.

Damman: Coach to be Fired – Dabo Swinney, Clemson. Year in and year out, it seems like I always hear that Clemson has more talent than what they show. This will be Swinney’s 3rd full season and he is coming off of a losing season last year, so his time has come. He will be gone at some point this year.
Player to keep an eye on – Juron Griner, WR, Arizona . Because he plays for Arizona , nobody really knows about this guy, but he had 82 catches for 1233 yds and 11 TDs last year. Pretty impressive. With senior QB Nick Foles back as well, look for Griner to make an even bigger splash this year.

The Wig Master: Coach to be Fired - Paul Wulff, Washington State. Last year, me and G$ got Dan Hawkins fired. This year it will be Paul Wulff. Struggling for one or even two seasons as a new head coach can be looked past. But when you are running a BCS program like Washington State, a hat trick of one or two win seasons in a row is not gonna cut it. With a cumulative win % of .135 and no signs of drastic improvement on the horizon, Cougar Nation is not going to tolerate such embarrassment. This program has really gone to shit, thank you Coach Wulff.
Player to keep an eye on - Stedman Bailey, WR, WVU. With West Virginia favored to win the Big East expect (underrated) Stedman Bailey to be a big name. He didn’t catch much attention last season but certainly caught many balls and was consistent in doing so. He even played high school ball with starting QB Geno Smith so there is some established chemistry between the two. An old high school flame if you will. Listen for his name.

Drew: Coach to be Fired/Die - Joe Paterno. I literally do not think he will survive.
Player to keep an eye on - Dan Persa, QB, Northwestern. He's going to single-handily pull a big upset or two for NW and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if they somehow sneak into a New Year's Day bowl...if they do he will be B1G POY.

GSaul: Coach to be Fired - Paul Wulff, Washington State. In three seasons under Wulff, the Cougars are 5-32 overall. His record against Pac-10 opponents is even worse at 2-25. Maybe Ryan Leaf can come back to coach his alma mater. It cannot get much worse.
Player to keep an eye on - Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M. Tannehill is one of the most versatile players in college football. In 2010, he had receiving and rushing TD's in addition to his passing production. He's a big reason why the Aggies are ranked in the top ten this year.

Dut: Coach to be Fired - Mark Richt, Georgia. Consistently brings in “top recruiting classes” according to the “recruiting experts,” and has very little to show for it. In the last 4 years, their win totals have gone from 11-10-8-6. Wrong direction. If Georgia underachieves for the 11th year in a row, he’s gone. Suck it, MuDawgfan.
Player to keep an eye on: John Brantly, QB, Florida. This dude has been awful since he took over for Jesus. Now he has Captain Fatass as his offensive coordinator, and Brantley seems like he’d fit in with more of pro-style offense than what he’d been running before. Breakout alert.

G$: Coach to be Fired - Mark Richt, Georgia. It's time to move on. This guy has been doing just enough to not get fired for the last 5 years. Once he starts 0-2 (Boise and Spurrier), it will seal his balding fate. Also gone: Butch Jones at UC, Zook, and Greg Schiano.
Player to keep an eye on - Brock Osweiler, QB, Arizona State. I heard Dennis Erickson's cheating ass on the radio a month or so ago say that this kid was the best QB that he's ever coached. So I looked him up and dude is 6'8" and 240. Damn! That's a huge bitch! You know that Sun Devil players will always be motivated to do great things because winning turns one-on-one anal lovin' with the hottest coeds in America into threesomes or foursomes. Honorable smaller school mention - Eric Page, Toledo. Seriously, when he makes sick plays all over The Horseshoe in hopefully an upset win, you'll see what I'm talking about.

NO!  We must not let Paul Wulff get fired!  There is not an easier team in the country to bet against than his Cougars.  They are fucking atrocious.  It doesn't matter who they play or what the line is, WAZZUU covers about 4% of the time.

That's it for today.  I assume that most of you will ditch work early in order to tailgate for the MSFL Draft tonight at 9 PM.  It could get rough...better wear your neck brace.

Monday, August 29, 2011

CFB Preview Day 1: Notre Dame Will Always Suck

Touchdown Sexual Assault/Suicide, amirite?
Hey, it's College Football Preview Week here at Da Shot. In case you are knew to this, it is five straight days where some of our least favorite commenters collaborate to get you ready for the season. It's utterly terrible! We're back to the original crew of contributors this season (sorry Li'l Strut!): Damman, The Wig Master, Drew, GSaul, Dut, and myself. I promise that GSaul actually tried this year. Anyway, day one is all about overrated and underrated teams. Enjoy

Damman: Overrated - Virginia Tech. They have been on my overrated list for the past 3 years and I see no reason to change that. You can pencil these guys in for at least 3-4 losses every year followed by a bowl game ass whooping. I have done zero research on their roster, but it’s a slam dunk they will end up being overrated again this year. Throw Michigan State in here too as we all saw they were frauds last year against Alabama and they won some flukey games which won’t happen this year.
Underrated – Purdue. Don’t laugh. They have a lot of starters back from a team that lost five games by a touchdown or less last year and was riddled by injuries. RB Ralph Bolden and QB Robert Marve being two guys to keep an eye on this year now that they are both back healthy. The Boilermakers will go at least 7-5 and maybe 8-4 and go bowling this year.

The Wig Master: Overrated - LSU. Ol Uncle Funk $ says (mama’s little baby likes it) short and sweet this year. Hey, just like She$ says once every six months, I can probably do that. Overrated headed into the 2011 campaign are the LSU Tigers. Number 3 in the nation, not going to happen. Averaging 13 points a game, and the last eight years or so of football, tell me that LSU is not ready to finish in the top 5.
Underrated - Ohio State. This pains me to say, but the OSU Buckeyes. Now, the circumstances certainly merit a number 16 spot, but there is still enough talent in Columbus (and a weak schedule) to make a run, and finish in the top 12.

Drew: Overrated - Oklahoma State. Oklahoma State is never a top ten team. They also play road games at three ranked teams plus at Texas. They will finish with four losses...not even close to their top ten ranking.
Underrated - Ohio State. If Ohio State can beat MSU with their B team they will make the B1G Championship Game...far from a #18 ranking. OSU has more Rivals 100 players than the rest of the B1G COMBINED. The cupboard is loaded still and they will finish closer to 5th overall than 15th overall.

GSaul: Overrated - Notre Dame. The Fighting Irish have lost two years in a row to both Michigan AND Navy. This team should not even be in the top 25, let alone ranked #16. Brian Kelly cannot even decide on his starting QB. They have at least three losses guaranteed on their schedule (MSU, USC, and Stanford).
Underrated - Pitt. High expectations in 2010 (#15 preseason ranking) resulted in a disappointing 8-5 season. The Big East is weak, and West Virginia really only stands between the Panthers and the conference's automatic BCS bowl bid.

Dut: Overrated - Ar-Kansas and Auburn. Both teams lost their Mr. Everything QB who was able to elevate these normally average teams to #1 and #2 in the NFL (I mean SEC) last year. Who is going to bring you back when you’re getting murked by Alabama again? I don’t even know the names of their QB replacements, but they’re not Cam Newton and Ryan Mallet. Auburn shouldn’t even be ranked. Both teams will have at least 5 losses.. GUARANSHEED.
Underrated - USC. They still have the most talent in the PAC-12 BY FAR. Plus the RBs have all been inside the Kardashians. They will finish at minimum #2 in the PAC-12, and will be ranked higher than #25 as they are right now.

G$: Overrated - Notre Dame. I just looked at the AP poll and the Irish are ranked ahead of Ohio State, Florida, USC, and defending champ Auburn. No fucking way. Notre Dame will always be mediocre at football. But killing and raping notch!
Underrated - Texas. Unranked? Really? They aren't going 5-7 again for a long time. I think that they are going to start Colt McCoy's brother this year. He can't be any worse than Garrett Gilbert. A lot of teams got revenge on the Horns last season, they get some of that swagger back this Fall.

I've got to admit, I'm loving that LSU call now that multiple starters are going to the state penitentiary soon. Stay tuned for tomorrow when we have...OTHER STUFF!  Happy MSFL Draft Eve!

Friday, August 26, 2011

FFF: Ensuring A Great Draft Day Experience

Those better be strippers and not league members.
For our final installment of Fantasy Football Friday this Summer, today we focus on Draft Day. Draft Day is incredibly crucial. It has replaced all other holidays as my favorite holiday. I love fantasy football drafts. You should, too. The beer, the stupid picks, the camaraderie, the official start of football all rules. While the MSFL and DFL have gotten a lot of ink around here recently, the fact remains that the 9th year of the G$FL begins on Sunday as we gather for our annual draft at the Bier Stube. I'm pumped. I promised a guest post today and here it is; a guidebook by my boy, Bling, on how to have a successful draft for your league and, more importantly, yourself.

The league we are in (The GFL--not related to the G$FL) has been in existence now for 20 years (I have been in it for 6 years now). Some of you may say this is pathetic, but the majority of us think it is amazing. For those 20 years, 3 of us have been there from the get go. Now, how have we survived that long you ask? Well, I am about to let you in on some of those secrets...

10. Dead people - Many Americans worship the rich and famous, we in our league drink to them. We average between 1-100 dead people references per draft. I am sure this year we will hear mention of names such as Amy Winehouse, Myra Kraft, Betty Ford, and traditional carry overs such as Rodney Culver, Fred Lane, and Rae Carruth (I don't think Rae is dead, but he might as well be).

9. The Mystery Man - In years past we have had anonymous letters, calls from "The Reaper", and lately the GFL Saboteur. Now some of these have clouded the GFL and had innocent people accused of crimes they never committed. What this element brings to the league is that idiots get so involved in these conspiracies that they take time out of their research and their teams show it after the draft. Its not hard to distract some members of my league, heck a big ball of red string usually does the trick, but this mystery aspect really does make life interesting from time to time.

8. The Finger - Several in my league have heard about this "finger" deal between myself and another league member. What it does is give a little advantage to the member of the league who holds this "finger raise". At any time during the draft if it comes down to a player that we are both interested in, the owner of the finger can raise it at any time, and the opposition MUST drop out of the bidding. It sucks when you are on the other side, but when you own the finger, it is a nice advantage. (I own a "finger raise" this year and I couldn't be happier about it. Basically, if I'm isolated with the guy that is owed the finger on say, Adrian Peterson, and for some reason the two of us are the only ones bidding on AP at $40, when I raise my finger, dude has to bail. No questions asked. I would love to get Peterson for $40.)

7. Fire-Up Music - This gets the day started on the right foot...what do you listen to while driving to your draft. Some listen to ESPN and think they are getting last minute information, but I hate to tell you, if you are just finishing your research on the way to draft, welcome to another losing season. I usually get fired up on my 10 minute drive with a little Tupac (WEST COAST RAP, N-WORDS!). This music gets me fired up and makes me want to kick the ass of all other league members. Rumor has it that, in this league, there is a guy who rocks out to Richard Marx.

6. Mutant Gas - A long carryover on the list, but one of the best. Nothing better than a good room-clearer to get opponents off their game and allow you to focus on the task at hand. I think everyone in my league is well aware of my pregame meal...HAM. I am not sure what it is about ham, but my wife only allows me to eat it once a year, and that is the day before draft because she knows I will be gone the majority of the next day. (For me personally, nothing strips the paint off the wall like a good meal at White Castle.)

5. Skunked Beer - Every year, one or two league members brings a 6-pack to the draft and then drink off of people for the rest of the draft. I have no problem with this since I usually pack a 30-pack, so I have plenty. However, when they make me get them a beer as I am up to get one for myself, I grab from the right side of the cooler. These are a couple of surprise beers that I have prepared from over the summer by cooling and heating on several occasions. It is amazing how they seem to suck them down as if nothing is wrong, but I know and they know I have beat them. (Note to self: bring enough beer so I don't need to drink out of that cooler)

4. Farm Team - A weaker-minded opponent in the league whose sole purpose is to benefit your team in the end. Find this guy early in the season. I have my traditional standby for years now. How do you claim a "farm" takes time, there are times when you may not be having a solid year, so what you do is throw them a bone. They appreciate this, and you can use it later on when you need to trade Marion Barber for MoJo to make that final playoff push.

3. Penalty Shot - We really stepped it up with Apple Pie (a version of moonshine made popular on this past season of Justified and it is fucking DELICIOUS) last year, but traditionally it has been Jager or Firewater. When a player is brought up that has already been drafted, you must take a penalty shot. It is always good to see, because this usually happens towards the end of the draft when you are already three sheets to the wind. It does get ugly sometimes, but those are the memories that last forever. (One year, I went to take a piss and occasional commenter, The Irishman, was passed out sitting on the toilet completely was the worst and greatest thing that I've ever seen in my life.)

2. The Story - Every year we get someone who in the middle of the draft needs to tell an unrelated and moronic story. In our league it is usually the same guy with some off the wall story about an Indian wiping his ass with his hand or some poor girl who tore her vagina on a fence or something to that affect. This story throws everyone off their game and has nothing to with the draft. It really is disturbing to hear these stories, but like a train wreck, you just can't turn away.

1. Solid League Members - This has been the backbone to our league for 20 years. Active people of varying levels of knowledge participating and talking smack to each other for 12 months a year. This league never ends. Whether it be good nature ribbing or solid insults based on the teams they support, this league is built on its owners. One guy can ruin a good league. And hey, porn at the draft always helps to make them even more enjoyable. (I agree with this.  Have fun and drink at the draft.  Get shit-faced.  Being all serious and studying ten different magazines is not cool.  Shotgunning beers and then helicoptering your penis is the stuff of legend.  You will be talked about for years!)

Thank you, Blinger, your words are wise and I look forward to the excellent food spread, the 18 pack of beer that I will drink, and the shots of 'shine next Saturday up in Henry Co. for the GFL Draft.  For the record, in that keeper league, I've kept Run DMC for $9 and Santonio for $4...I think that that is a good start for a team.

As for the G$FL Draft, I'm picking 10th out of 12. Ugh. I don't care for this position at all. All the studs like AP, Arian, Charles, Chris Johnson, Brees, Rodgers, Brady, and probably Vick will all be gone. I assume that Ray Rice and MoJo are probably out of the picture, too. I have no idea what I'm going to do here. Is 10 too early for Andre Johnson? If Vick is there, is he the man? If I go position players the first two rounds, will Peyton fall all the way to me in the 3rd round? He might actually.  Fuck, I hate the tenth pick.

Good luck in your drafts everyone. By the time I return, your rosters in all of your leagues should be completed. I hope that they all suck. And just a reminder, PAY MR. ACE IF YOU ARE IN THE MSFL. Maybe he'll out the deadbeats today. He should. Come back next week for the collaborative effort known as College Football Preview Week.  And Thursday, I will announce Mr. Ace's replacement.  I am reviewing resumes as we speak or as you read...whichever one makes more sense.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The State Of The Money Shot Address

America, I can confirm that we have captured and killed Mr. Ace.  WE GOT HIM!
With yesterday's earth-shattering news that caused Washington DC to tremble in fear a day before it was even announced, it's time that I address the present, future, but not really the past of The Money Shot. Obviously, the status quo at this corner of Blogville is in flux right now and I owe it to you, the douche bag reader, some sort of explanation. First things first, let's address my former "employee", Mr. Ace.

Thank you for your contributions over the past 2+ years, Ace. And I really, truly mean that. Different voices are always a good thing. You were a pretty adequate change of pace back. I hammered at the commenter defense like Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson and you snuck in one day a week like Marcus Allen (but still completely inferior to Bo/myself). I appreciate the sacrifice of doing something that you didn't have to and accomplishing said feat for no pay at all. That was the best part actually. I never once worried that he wasn't going to have a post ready on his day to write. Being reliable is a great asset, people.

As far as my attempt to throw Ace under the bus yesterday, I'd known about this for awhile. I just wanted one more chance to make him look like a cockwaffle. I've been aware of this day for two months or so. I like how NASCAR Boy was pretty sure that I already knew about this even though I DIRECTLY fucking told him about Ace walking away at Meet The Million Dollar Man Night. Dipshit. I'm sure that Dut will blame it on "getting drugged at the bar" for not remembering such a monumental event. As Ace said yesterday, he'll still be around and I expect (but won't demand) him to write something up every once in awhile. I'm sure he'll want to comment on future things like Toledo beating Ohio State, Michigan beating Ohio State, Tate Forcier transferring his Force to a tenth school, and the Eagles underachieving. But those are posts for another day. In the end, and I know most of you dropped kind words yesterday, we should thank Mr. Ace again for allowing us to hate him on a weekly basis. But we must move forward without him.  He'll be fine.  After all, for his years of service here for no money, I'm taking him to MONDAY NIGHT RAW on Labor Day night at Nationwide.  FUCK YOU, JOHN CENA!!!

Now I bet that you're wondering, "What's going to happen in the future for The Money Shot?" Well, that's a good question since I have said a thousand times that I will never write 5 days in a row again. That's out the window now. Yes, for the time being, I'm going old school and will run this bitch daily. I can't make any promises about quality, but you should at least have something to read everyday. That really sucks though because sometimes I have to force myself to have opinions on shit that I don't care about for the sake of this site. Whatevs. It's the cross that I am forced to bear.

Is there a plan to replace Mr. Ace? I'm open to it. He normally spends the Fall and most of the Winter writing the weekly college football post. I figure that I can do that. I was going to ask Iceman or Drew or maybe even Li'l Strut if they were interested in this role, but I don't know. Dut volunteered only until I told him that it HAD to be up on Tuesday morning each and every exceptions. That scared him off because deadlines and planning are not his strong suits. If anyone is interested in writing up the college football posts, by all means, let me know. I'd love going back to having a day off though.  But I must warn you, if you want the job, YOU FUCKING DO IT.  There are no sick days.

I've told this to people before and I still feel this way: There are more good days than bad days here but in the end (and even on the worst days), it would be extremely difficult to walk away from this beautiful bitch of a site. It's just so much of a part of me and I would like to think that it's a small part of you, too. I honestly don't know what I'd do without it. This stupid little corner of the internet helps me get through my day. It's strange how attached I am to something that pays me $16 per month for 15-20 hours of work. Is it cool to get paid by Fox Sports? Yeah, in theory, but when you make as much as Howie Long probably gets paid, it sort of blows, too. I'm sure that there will be a time and a place in the future to evaluate the importance of this blog in my life, but that isn't coming any time soon so fear not.

In conclusion, relax. I am not going anywhere. You may not get any more riveting stories about monkey movies, walking a cat on a leash, or trying to get a Detroit cop to blow you in a hotel stairwell, but you'll still get excellent posts from a dickhead dedicated to sports, pornography, the figure four leg lock, and the lifelong pursuit of finding the perfect chicken wing. And with all that being said...this is my last post until September 6th! I'm terrible.

One thing is unfortunately certain, the days of big titty GIFs are over. That might be the saddest repercussion of the Mr. Ace/Money Shot break-up.  There.  Now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fan-Fapping-Tastic...Mmm Pornstars

Money Shot Maniacs, we will always have this.

WARNING! The following content may be offensive to you. If terms such as nutgobbler, cumguzzling, anal gapage, titty fuck, taint bomb, horse cock, reach around, prostate milking, finger blasting, muff diving, choad, Lucky Pierre(Dut's favorite), love tunnel, angry dragon, autofellatio(My Favorite), bust-a-nut bars, chocolate starfish, or felching are offensive to you, you will most certainly be offended by the following post. If so, take out your fucking tampon and keep reading. If not, get the google search ready and throw on a pair of woman's panties because it's about to get real freaky naughty.

What a fantastic day here at The Money Shot. Today, we talk about porn. Big titties. Fat asses. Thick mustaches(oops). I'm a sucker for the curves, so don't be mad when your favorite sixteen year old look-a-like girl isn't on here. It's porn, to each his fucking pedophile. I'm going to give a crash course on everything that is porn today. So sit back, dim the lights, make yourself comfortable, and get back to fucking work you creep!

Mr. Ace's Top Five:
Note: This list is fluid--pun intended--because it just is. Nobody jerks it to the same set of chicks in the same order. Nonetheless, we all have our go-to's.
1. Gianna Michaels. This is a number one that you probably wouldn't see on anybody else's list, but fuck them. She has ginormous real tits. She could deep throat a Louisville Slugger. I imagine her getting pounded eight hours a day for work and then going home and having her own gang bang just for shits and gigs because she just likes to be slammed. She is not some blond bombshell, super hot porn star , but this isn't fucking Miss America. You need to be a performer to be my bottom bitch.

2. Amy Reid. She is definitely the hottest porn star out there and she brings the nasty. Again, great natural boobies. Super fit. She is definitely DTF in every way, shape, and form. And she is German, so you know she likes the booze. She always sticks her finger in her ass and that is always awesome. But her porn star boyfriend looks like Powder and that's not cool...the only thing that kept her out of the number one spot.

3. Carmella Bing. Boooooooooooooobies! She used to be my favorite, but has fallen down the list slightly over the last couple years. Still top shelf, but she has let herself go a little bit. But that's the wonderful thing about porn, you can find the good shit anywhere. Even if she does resemble an offensive tackle right now, her old scenes are still out there and just as great as they were when I first saw them. Her Brazzers work should have earned her an Oscar.

4. Bree Olson. She has mastered the dirty little school girl routine and deserves to be rewarded for it...with a big load of baby batter. All I really have to say is 2008 AVN Best Anal Sex Scene Award and you know what I'm talking about.

5. Jayden James. This was a tough one. She is easily deserving of a top five spot...but so are about ten other ladies. But Jayden makes this list simply because her body is fucking bangin'. Look at that shit. I would need images of dead kittens in my head just to last 1 minute with her. Her only downfall though, no back door least not that I've seen(And trust me, I've looked). I'm sure it will happen eventually and when it does, she goes right to the top of the list.
Honorable Mentions:
Ashlynn Brooke
Memphis Monroe
Claire Dames
Alexis Texas- Superbooty
Phoenix Marie
Hanna Hilton
...and many many more.

Oh no, I'm not done yet. Now it's time to give a little break down of some of the more popular Subcategories of porn.
1. Lacey DuValle. Holy black jesus, she is fucking hot. As 2 Live Crew once eloquently said, "Big booty hoes, hump wit it! Let me see you touch the ground!" I imagine those lyrics were meant especially for Lacey DuValle. She is a lesbian by day, but she will do anything for pay...aka perfect.
Honorable Mentions:
Chavon Taylor
Aurora Jolie

Latina: Favorite Subcategory
1. Esperanza Gomez. Sweet goodness, she is unbelievably hot. She hasn't been around all that long, but she has quickly climbed to the top of my spankbank. Everything about her is ridiculous. My words probably can't do her justice, so I'll just let you fire up the google machine and come up with your own explanation.
Honorable Mentions:
Isis Love
Eva Angelina
Lela Star

1. Holly Halston. Huge jugs. Blonde hair. You think, meh, typical porn star. Well you would be wrong, sir. Not only is she a machine in the sack, she has the hottest voice ever. There is only one MILF I personally know that can stack up against Ms. Halston...Nate B knows who I'm talking about.
Honorable Mentions:
Lisa Ann
Veronica Rayne

1. Priya Rai. I have never tried curry, but I'm pretty sure all the guys reading this would eat it from her ass crack. She is straight out of India, which isn't something you see too often in the porn biz. Most importantly she squirts, a lot.
Honorable Mentions:
Umm...Asians, they all look alike.

That's right, I said dudes. I'm not afraid to admit that there are guys I would rather watch pounding snatch over others.
1. Keiran Lee. This guy is fucking hilarious. I don't know if it's just his English accent or what, he always makes the porn experience even better. I would totally hang out with this guy, no homo.
Honorable Mentions:
None, I have already raised enough questions about my sexuality with this.

Squirting: One of the most awesome and disgusting things all at the same time. A little bit is cool, but I don't want to feel like I just fucked Splash Mountain.
1. Mason Moore. There is just something about girls with huge knockers and tats that is awesome. Then you throw in she takes action in door number 2. Then you sprinkle some squirting on top. And you've got the ultimate porn star.
Honorable Mentions:
Flower Tucci

1. Nina Hartley. This one was all G Money, "Personally, I am in awe that Nina Hartley is still getting slammed on camera well into her 50's. She's like the Satchel Paige of sucking dick." Well said.
Honorable Mentions:
Linda Lovelace
Jenna Jamison...I think she can be considered a classic now.

1. POV. There are several ways to shoot a porn and none of them are bad, but there is one that is better than all the rest. Why POV? Because there are times when I feel like I should possess a 17 inch, black clam hammer and POV is the best way to make that happen.
Honorable Mentions:
Everything else.

Pay For Porn Sites:
1. Brazzers. In college, a kid on my dorm floor agreed to put a porn membership on his credit card as long as some of the guys would pitch in to cover the cost. Worked for me. That membership went strong for over five years until one day, one terribly depressing day, it vanished. Brazzers is the shit.
2. Bangbros. Their previews are awesome so their full content has to be, right? Right.

Free Porn Tubes:
1. Youjizz. The name says it all. You watch, you jizz. They have an enormous selection. If you can't find any ammunition their then it's just not gonna happen.
2. Keezmovies. A bunch of categories. A nice porn star database.
Honorable Mentions:
Pornrabbit...that's usually all the further I get.

Now that, my friends, is what porn is fucking all about. You may want to bookmark this post, because it is awesome. Next time you are having an argument about porn, feel free to quote directly from this article and know that you will immediately be respected and revered. Hopefully you got a chance to read this while at home. If not, it's going to be really awkward walking around work with a boner.

It's The End of The World as You Know It

(Because I love you)

So as I am writing this post yesterday, while sitting in my boxers playing the Madden 2012 demo on my PS3, I feel the earth start shaking beneath me. It was then that I realized how much of an impact this post was truly going to have.

July 27, 2009. That was the first day this here blogspot was graced with Mr. Ace as a contributor. G Money was about to get married, or something gay, and he needed his favorite blogger to fill in. And fill in I did. Here are some highlights from that two week period.
Interview From Hell
Child Raising Expertise
G Money's Eulogy
That got the ball rolling for me to be a weekly contributor for the next 2+ years. And a great 2+ years it was. I'm pretty sure I made G$ 500 million internet dollars.

Unfortunately, the real world beckons. Between grad school, work, and now starting a practicum/internship, I just won't have the time to dedicate to the blog. And with the field I am going into it is best that I disassociate from all the dick/abortion/gay/Dut's mom jokes now, just to be safe. So, yes, this is my good bye. I will still be around in the commentariate with all the other Money Shot Maniacs. And I will still be running the MSFL. (And when Michigan starts off 5-0 I will post another May The Forcier Be With You-esque post)...(And when Toledo wins in the 'shoe I will also make a post and tell you all to suck my fat, hairy ass crack).

Speaking of the MSFL, I NEED YOUR FUCKING MONEY YOU FUCKING CUM DUMPSTERS! You know who you are. If your money is not in before the draft you will not fucking draft. I'm serious. You had a month. Also, and this is my fault, the draft date/time needs to be moved. For some reason I forgot that I had the pleasure of attending class on Tuesday night from 4-9 pm, so the 8pm start is no good for me. So we can move the draft back to about a 9:30pm start if that works for everybody. We can pick a different day, possibly Monday at 8pm if 9:30pm is too late. Let's try to work this out in the comments so we can all be on the same page.

It's been real. I don't know what plans G Money has to replace me, the irreplaceable. I stuck around through the worst part of the year so maybe, just maybe, one of you lucky fucks will step in during the best part of the year and do some college football analysis/post tit-picks of young coeds. I'm sure G Money has something in mind. What? I don't know.

And I know that sometimes people think it's cool--but it's really gay, Grumpy-- to jump in the comments and say how horrible of a post somebody just made or how uninterested you are, but appreciate the product you get here everyday. This shit isn't easy. It isn't paid, at least not much at all. It's a forum that you participate in daily. And most importantly, YOU CAN'T DO ANY FUCKING BETTER. Money Shot 4 Life.

You're all faggots, except for Shook's Son. He's an angel.

It appears this post has blown Pat Summitt's mind as well.

That is all. I have a special gift for you coming at 9:00am.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Say Goodnight, Windians

You're incorrect.
I've got to admit, I'm kind of sad that I didn't get to write my "Fuck you, Redskins" post that I had all set to go in my mind-grapes for today. It was going to be tremendous. Anyway, like I said on Friday, G$ is taking some time away from the blog-diggity after Thursday (guest fantasy post on Friday, CFB Preview Week next week). Before I go though, I would be an asshole if I failed to acknowledge the end of the Cleveland Indians season, now wouldn't I? And maybe some other stuff, too.
*Well, it's still too early to call, but all signs post to that trade for U-bad-o being a complete failure. This just goes to show, kids, that you never trade away everything for a pitcher from the National League whose reputation for being an ace is sort of flukey. But let's look on the bright side, people who think that Asdrubal Cabrera is also not a fluke, this wasn't supposed to be "the year" anyway. NEXT year is supposed to be the result of the last sell-off/rebuild, right? It's just not your time yet. That being said, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you sucked Shook's Son off!!! Remember when this was the best team in baseball after 45 games and Dut was saving all of Damman's cocky text messages? Yeah, that was a fluke just like we all said that it was.

*Josh Tomlin sucks.  He has always sucked.  I have never seen anyone give up more rockets that somehow find the defense.

*I just hate laughing at Tribe fans though knowing that The White Trash are benefitting. As much as I want the Indians to always lose, I still hate the Tigers more. Their fans are just so horrible and ugly. Just the scum of the Earth really. I have never met a Tigers fan that wore sleeves. I even know this one asshole that owns a Joel Zumaya jersey. What a shitstack! FYI, they have next to no chance of winning a title this year.  I'd like to think that you already know that anyway, but who knows with those ham-fisted mongoloids.

*It appears that the playoff races are pretty much over now. The Yanks, Sawx, Rangers, and Tigers appear to be locked into the AL. The Phillies, Braves, Brew Crew, and D-Backs in the rotten league. I'm giving the nod to Zona because Alan Trammell is clearly a winner and the Giants have 40 guys on the DL right now. Before the season, I picked Yanks over Phils. Midseason, I switched to Brewers over Sawx. I can see either one happening. One thing is certain though, as a Yankees fan, I would much rather see the Rangers in the DS than Detroit. It's not that the Tigers are better because they certainly are not.  It's just that the The Cable Guy scares me in a 5 game series (but not really much at all in a 7 if that makes sense). Detroit is getting the AL East winner guaranteed (I think) which will be a tough task for a team platooning Brandon Inge and Wilson Betemit. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if Double Wide loses game 1, the Tigers are getting swept.  I look forward to the Tigers getting swept.

*Call me crazy, but I'm really starting to buy Ivan Nova as a 2 starter in the playoffs. Hell, he's just as good and consistent as Scherzer or Ogando. I just hope that Unfrozen Caveman Manager leaves Burnett off the postseason roster. That man is just a disaster. He was a big part of a World Series though so I can't hate him that much.

*Very rarely do trades work out for all teams involved. But when the Tigers, Diamondbacks, and Yanks got together to swap spouses a few years back, it played out well for everyone. Arizona got 1/2 starter Ian Kennedy, Detroit got Max Scherzer and strikeout machine Austin Jackson, and the Yankees got 2011 MVP Curtis "Insert stupid John Sterling nickname" Granderson. People like to assume that "Call Me, Tater Salad"-lander is a lock for the Cy Young. Well, if that's the case, then Granderson should have his MVP ceremony today. He leads all of baseball in Runs, RBI, and is second in Home Runs while stealing 24 bases. And he's done this primarily out of the 2 spot in the order. Don't give me Joey Bats or Adrian Gonzalez or Jacoby Ellsbury, Granderson has carried the best team (currently) in the AL all damn season.  Want to argue this?  Go ahead.  You lose.

*Can we all agree that the Little League World Series sucks and should not be televised? It's an awful watch and takes up way too much programming time. Moving on.

In conclusion, it's time for Indians fans to hop off the bandwagon and get ready for another 5 win Browns season. Also, tomorrow's Mr. Ace post promises to be a rather big one and I recommend that you take some time out of your day to read it. Until then, keep reaching for the skies. Yeah, I know, this wasn't one of my better posts but it's still better than anything that you've ever blogged about. COUNT IT!  There's a reason I'm going on get charged up for football season.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I Don't Landscape Your Toilet...

So please don't shit on my lawn.  Ugh, the current number one pet peeve of mine is foreign dog turds on my property.  Allow me to explain what's going on at the Mansion right now.

First things first, if you own a dog then you know that dogs need to be walked.  On said walk, your dog probably will have to drop at least one deuce.  It's inevitable.  It is not the most glamorous part of dog ownership to stand there while your pooch is shitting and cars are driving by pointing and laughing.  Most of the time on these walks, your dog will shit in someone else's yard.  Any decent human being knows that you pick that up.  Little baggy, scoop contraption, pick those stink bricks up.  Why?  Because it is excrement and not your property!  Jesus, I will never figure out how people can just leave the mess in someone's yard.  That is the lowest of the low.

Now I admit, sometimes at night I leave it behind.  But ONLY when it's all ass-soup coming out of the dog.  It's virtually impossible to pick up diarrhea.  However, I always give a courtesy acting job.  As if I'm picking up the shit although it's not possible.

Anyway, recently, I have noticed some outsider shit in my lawn.  So has my dog because apparently this crap is tasty to him.  Colon chunks are bad enough but my dog liking the flavor doubly pisses me off.  Friday night, I caught the perps though.  I caught the dog shitting.  I saw the owner (who I have never seen before).  I even made eye contact with him.  He looked at me post-poop and walk-away with no shame at all while I gave him a "What the fuck, asshole" look that I give often.  Now, I would have walked outside and confronted him (I like to think) if I hadn't just gotten home from the gym and had already stripped down to only boxer briefs (get that image out of your head!).  Had I have went outside in that manor, I would have ended up on Cops.

I went out a little while later to double-check if a mound of stinkballs were there.  They were.  And it was a massive pile.  I was pissed.  I will not be forgetting what that guy looks like.  I can't wait for him to walk by the house again.  I will be talking shit even if I'm not wearing a shirt.  So my question is, what would you do?  Many of you are dog owners and I assume that you do the right thing and pick up after your canine sons/daughters.  How do you think I should handle this?  After all, it's not the dog's fault that his owner is a complete shithead.  Putting up a sign seems gay and/or womanly.  Suggestions?

All this talk about dog shit is quite a transition to Terrelle Pryor and today's supplemental draft, no?  The supplemental draft...why do they even have these things?  These idiots either failed out of college, failed a drug test(s), or cheated the system and got caught.  Why do we need to hurry these losers into the league?  Who was the last person taken in the supp draft that was worth a shit?

17 teams went to watch Terrelle Liar work out on Saturday.  I can't confirm if Ted Sarniak was there paying everyone's bills though.  I have been scared shitless that Pryor will end up a Redskin but now that the day is here, I'm not very concerned.  I actually have a perfect destination for TP if he wants to play in the league.

Who not Indy?  I watched the Colts/Skins game this weekend and Indy has no decent option behind Manning.  And they haven't had one for ten years.  Seriously, I wouldn't trust Curtis Painter to mow my lawn.  The Colts treat Peyton like he's going to play forever.  They have no contingency plan.  I can think of worse things to do than spending a 5th rounder on Pryor, working with him for three or four years until Manning retires or breaks his neck, and then seeing what you've got.  If anything, at least he's a decent option as a back-up from 2012 onward.  Doesn't this make at least some semblance of sense?

Whatever.  I just want Terrelle to stop shitting on my lawn.

Friday, August 19, 2011

FFF: Have Faith In Bad Teams

Mind if I bum a smoke, Roy?
I never have understood why people get such raging boners when Shark Week comes back to whatever channel shows Shark Week. Are they learning new shit about sharks? They smell blood and piss off Roy Schieder. I've known that for years. What else is there to know. Are they attracted to piss and shit? Because if I ever got dropped into shark-infested waters, that is the only thing that they would smell from me. You know what is better programming that was running at the same time? AMC's Mob Week hosted by Giuliani. Mob movies are the fucking best even if Kevin Costner absolutely destroyed The Untouchables with his horrible over-acting. But his performance in that movie was not nearly as bad as what happened in GoodFellas by Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco. Liotta was shit. Pure shit. The scenes where he calls Pesci a funny guy and then realizes that his wife flushed all his coke are two of the worst performances I've seen from an actor since Tom Green in Freddy Got Fingered (Backwards Man!). Bracco has been poop sandwiches in everything that she's ever done. She talks like a tard. The only time I ever liked her was when she got staircase-raped on The Sopranos. Yep, I just said that and I stand by it. SHE DESERVED IT for being terrible in GoodFellas.

You want to know what an underrated mob movie is (other than A Bronx Tale)? Donnie Brasco. Great movie. My favorite part is when Depp is undercover with Don "The Matador" Everest at the airport and someone recognizes him so he punches the guy in the face to get him to shut up. The Matador wants to know why. Depp's response, "The guy tried to grab my cock"! Hilarious. Especially since this is in the middle of the airport. Lots and lots of serial cock-grabbers there. Anyway, how about some underrated guys going into this year's fantasy football season? Let's do it.

And as always, I need to remind you that I have been playing fantasy football for over a decade now and have only won one money league...the 2005 G$FL title. It's a damn fine title. I do have a handful of runner-up finishes though. So take this with a grain of salt if you would like. Or take it as gospel as I would prefer.

QB - Kevin Kolb
It makes me feel better about this call after reading how much Iceman hates him.  Dude, they didn't deal for him to hand the ball off.  And the Cards have terrible running backs anyway.  I would rather have Kolb then say Matt Ryan or Sam Bradford.  Seriously.  Arizona is going to be losing a lot (extra garbage points!), he faces terrible West defenses 6 times, eventhough he isn't that great he has no competition behind him, and, you know, he gets to throw to the most talented receiver since Jerry Rice.  Look, I don't plan on missing out on any of the big dawg QBs, but if somehow I do, I could live with Ol' Cobby. 
2010 Pick - Roethlisberger post-suspension (HIT!)

RB - DeJonathon Willwart
A lot people think that the Panthers will be a surprise team this year.  I don't know why Peter King would say this other than he's completely stupid and went to Ohio U.  But I could see them being a lot more competitive even if that doesn't earn them more W's.  How?  Just keep feeding the beast in the backfield.  They aren't going to be winging it around and Williams and Stewart have proven to be pretty dynamic if healthy (HUGE if).  I was going to put Tim Hightower here since he is going to be the starter and looks tremendous thus far but Mike Shanahan is an asshole when it comes to fantasy running backs.
2010 Pick - Beanie Wells (UGH! MISS)

WR - Steve Johnson
I've loved this guy ever since he went on his crusade to murder God last season.  Now that worst-player-ever Lee Evans (not even debatable) is gone and the Bills no longer feel obligated to force three deep balls to him per game, Stevie has a chance to shine even more this year.  Call me crazy, but I think that the Bills score on the reg this season.  Johnson shouldn't be your number 1 receiver, but he's going to be a pretty sick #2 for you.  And plus, he is affiliated with Satan.  That moved him up my big board.
2010 Pick - Malcom Floyd (HIT!)

TE - Jimmy Graham
I hate tight ends.  They're such a crap shoot and they always get hurt.  All of them.  We saw what Graham was capable of late last year when Brees threw to him every time that they were inside the 5.  Dude is like 8 feet tall with basketball skills.  I own Graham and Brees in the DFL...I expect at least 8 touchdowns.  And he went to The U so he's been playing professionally for years now.
2010 Pick - Chris Cooley (MISS!)

K/DEF - Sebastian "Seabass" Janikowski and Green Bay
I do have some, what I consider, good advice when it comes to kickers and defense drafting. For kickers, I don't like going after guys on teams with great offenses. Extra points don't help you win. Which means that I like to nab kickers off teams that I consider to be garbage in the red zone. Rob Bironas is always a nice pickup for that reason. For defenses, I am the opposite. Go for the teams that have offenses that will put up a shitload of points. It's a good thing when terrible quarterbacks have to play in a shootout. It means a greater chance for pick-6's.
2010 Pick - Bironas and the Niners (MISS! MISS AGAIN!)

Programming note! Make sure you stop by next Wednesday as there will be a major announcement that will shock this site to the core. That will also be the 1500th post here (which is amazing and I can't believe that Mr. Ape gets to write it). All of them have been great. Next Friday's FFF will be guest written. The following week will be the always exciting College Football Preview Week. But unless my contributors get their shit in soon, it's looking like it might just be Me vs. Damman. GET YOUR SHIT IN, HOMOS. So yeah, I plan on taking a much needed blogging vacation starting next Friday. Bo Ryan would like you to deal with it.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Abortions For Some, Miniature American Flags For Others

Is that a bowling ball in your capri jeans or is your FUPA just happy to see me?
I still can't get over this whole situation at The U. It is just so perfectly...NOW (for lack of a better word). If ESPN stopped ignoring this story and asked, "Who's Now" again, the Canes Scandal would be the most "now". Why? Because it's fucking awesome. Ponzi scheme. Jailhouse snitch with a TON of "proof". Abortions. Massive cash payouts to loads of superstar NFL players. Embarrassing donation photo ops with the school president. Hookers. Guy with an OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N Complex. Coaches knowing about it. Bounties.  The "death" of sports at a big time school. It's got everything. And while Mr. Ape touched on it yesterday (he's got one more left...don't worry, you'll know soon enough), I sort of want to step away from the scandal and wade through a bit of uncharted waters.

Wait.  What's that you say?  You want the link for ol' Uncle Luke's "well-written" response to these allegations cleverly titled, "Nevin Shapiro Can Kiss My Ass"?  Here you go. You won't be disappointed.  I always thought that Luther said it best when he penned a ditty called "Dance Too Much Booty In The Pants", but this might be better:

The NCAA shouldn't even waste any gas money on this guy. But the investigators have to do their due diligence. In the meantime, every UM fan should send a letter to Shapiro's prison warden and insist he remain in the general population.

Delightful.  Anyway, my thoughts. 

First of all, the NCAA isn't going to shut down the Miami athletic department (even if they probably should). So you can get that thought out of your head. They learned from SMU that the Death Penalty is not to be used ever again. As cool as that would be, it isn't going to happen. Now if a lot of these allegations are true, then I could see something as iron-fisted as a 6-8 year bowl ban and half of their scholarships taken away, but they will still play no matter what. They won't be worth a shit for the next decade, but they will still suit up every week. I find it humorous that the former AD at The U was the face of the committee who came down so hard on USC for the Reggie Bush saga. 1 guy vs. 72 guys...hmmmmmm. Is a 144 year bowl ban coming? I say this all the time but Pat Haden should sue everyone at the NCAA.

Second, this is EXACTLY why paying college athletes is a TERRIBLE idea. Once you allow it, the dam will break quickly and then you won't able to stop it again. Oh sure, the idea of kids getting a grand a month or whatever to play is innocent and fun but it's not like these kids will stop trying to get more money once they get a little. What the fuck does 20 year old Frank Gore need 40K for! If you allow football players the opportunity to seek as many freebies as they can get, you will inevitably have them seeking out whores and drugs and abortion clinics. And by that time, it's too late to police that shit. I think we all know that all of the big boys cheat in some way. It only ever becomes a story when someone snitches. Let's just leave it that way. Let business continue as usual on the shadier side of things and be prepared to "lie and deny" if someone is a rat. Honestly, it's been working for 100 years and it will continue to work.

Third, the media is coming and they aren't going to stop. This should scare all of the fans of the big boys (not me!). EVERYONE wants to be the one to break stories these days and the best way to get noticed is to uncover some sketchy things at one of the big time college football programs. There will be snooping. There will be digging. Those shady boosters better keep their mouths shut. This isn't going to stop either. If you have a history of winning, people are going to try to bring you down. Hard. And if you see the guys from Yahoo in town, you should already know that it's over.

Finally, what about the future of college football. Can it survive what amounts to their "steroid era"? Obviously, the diehards and Southerners and alums and you commenters will always remain loyal, but what about the casual bandwagon fans? How can anyone feel good about the direction to which college football is going? Everyone is lying and cheating and breaking every rule in the book. At what point does that turn people off? Hell, forget the scandals, how about the BCS and mega conferences and personal TV networks? It's almost as if no one cares about the product or the means to improve the product anymore because all that counts is how much money you make. That isn't what makes college football great. Not to get all Rick Reilly here, but college football is about tailgating and school pride and Mark Herzlich stories and College Gameday, it isn't about the fucking Longhorn Network.

On September 17th, go ahead and flip on the Ohio State/Miami game and tell me that you don't feel dirty as fuck watching that (obvious exception to anOSU fans who care how people perceive them eventhough they deny that they care). What happens when BOTH teams have to vacate the game? Just kidding but seriously, you should be forced to watch that game in the shower due to it being contested between the two filthiest programs in college football.

I just needed to vent a little bit today for the simple reason that I hate where college football is going right now. Unless you are a complete scumbag, you probably agree with me that this has been a god awful offseason for the sport. Maybe it was inevitable that greed would eventually start to crack the foundation, I don't know. I liked it better when boosters and schools were actually good at cheating. All I know is that the way things are going, the RedHawks and Rockets will probably be playing for the national championship this year.

In other hilarious news, Abercrombie and Fitch has offered to pay The Situation a large sum of not wear their clothes. That. Is. Awesome.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Corwin Brown Wants His Chicken Fried!

(Tha U, Tha U, Tha U is on fire!)

Douche Lord of the Week: The DFL draft was a total clusterfuck, but it turned out alright. However, the banner stays the same.

It MUST be the Concussions. Last Friday police responded to a domestic abuse call in South Bend, IN. Turns out Corwin Brown, current assistant coach at Notre Dame and former NFL player, got a little slappy with his lady and decided to hold his family hostage for 7 hours as the SWAT team waited outside. And then, just to add a little mystery, he shot himself in the torso. Wait. How does that work? You beat up your wife, hold your family hostage, and then shoot yourself in the chest? Oh, I see where this is going.
“Many are asking, what would cause a young man who has been blessed beyond all measure, with a life so promising that he would put himself and his family in harm’s way? We believe Corwin is suffereing from symptoms similar to those experienced by the late Dave Duerson and were caused by the many notable collisions during Corwin’s career in the NFL,”
Concussions are about to become athletes insanity plea. We get it. Your brain is mush because you have been using your skull as a wrecking ball for the last 15 years of your life. But that doesn't excuse jerking off on a 15 year old prostitute, Lawrence Taylor. NFL players made the decision to play football and make millions of dollars doing it. They knew the risks. They deserve to be helped out if they need the help, but every time a former player attempts suicide or goes apeshit it can't be the NFL's fault. Not cool.

But I caught up with Corwin before his family put out that statement and this is what he had to say.

Mr. Ace: Mr. Brown, you're in the hospital right now. Don't be afraid. You shot yourself in the chest you fucking moron. Next time swallow that thing before you pull the trigger.
ACE: Wait, what?
CB: That bitch said she was going to make me some chicken. So I was all like "Yeah, bitch, fry that chicken."
ACE: That's understandable.
CB: So I go and take a nap because that's what I do before dinner. I wake up and I can smell the food, but something doesn't smell right.
ACE: She was cheating on you and squirted snatch juice in your collard greens?
CB: Naw. I come down stairs and see this bitch pulling some chicken out the oven.
ACE: Awwnaw, hell naw.
CB: You can't fry chicken in the oven. I pulled out my gun and said I was gon' cap that ho if she didn't fry that chicken. FRY THAT CHICKEN BITCH!!!

It was at this point that Corwin Brown fell out of his hospital bed and began singing Ms. Peaches classic song.

Everybody wants a piece of her chicken.

Death Penalty. The University of Miami athletic department is dead. FUCKING DEAD, SON.
"In 100 hours of jailhouse interviews during Yahoo! Sports’ 11-month investigation, Hurricanes booster Nevin Shapiro described a sustained, eight-year run of rampant NCAA rule-breaking, some of it with the knowledge or direct participation of at least seven coaches from the Miami football and basketball programs. At a cost that Shapiro estimates in the millions of dollars, he said his benefits to athletes included but were not limited to cash, prostitutes, entertainment in his multimillion-dollar homes and yacht, paid trips to high-end restaurants and nightclubs, jewelry, bounties for on-field play (including bounties for injuring opposing players), travel and, on one occasion, an abortion."
Money, jewelry, blah blah blah, ABORTION! Every program needs a booster like Nevin Shapiro.
“I was doing him a favor,” the booster said. “That idiot might have wanted to keep [the baby].”
That is dedication. Hell, NFL teams could use a booster like Nevin Shapiro. Maybe Cromartie wouldn't have 37 kids if each NFL team had a guy strictly dedicated to abortions. Your call, Goodell.

But, yeah, the Miami Hurricanes are done. Forever. Just read the Yahoo Sports article. This is SMU plus prostitutes and multiplied by abortions. And if this guys Ponzi scheme never would have gotten busted the Canes probably would have financed themselves into becoming a national power again. The NCAA is a joke. They can't possibly keep up with the violations that occur everyday on college campuses, and the idea that teams are going to self-report is just fucking dumb. How do you even self-report an abortion?

Kellen Winslow Jr. is still a fucking soldier...right?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Open Forum: The Craziest of the Crazy Athletes

I told you that mulching was not included, cholo!
As I mentioned yesterday, some DFLers played a round of golf before the draft on Saturday. Yes, we were the five-some on the course that you all hate to see but we didn't hold up anybody so BACK OFF. Anyway, eventually, we got to discussing Dut's man-love for Carl Edwards again (because that is a topic that will never die nor should it). However, Li'l Poopson misheard the homophobic barbs that we were hurling at the weasel. He thought that Dut was going to meet deranged and highly unstable former baseball player, Carl Everett. Now THAT would be something to brag about. What would a day with Carl Everett be like? I'd bet that it's awesome.  You're definitely taking a trip on a UFO.
This leads me to my thoughts on another lunatic of the diamond: Carlos Zambrano. Prime talked about this situation in depth at his site yesterday (as well he should since he's a Cubs fan). But I feel like I need at least some sort of take on this incredibly bizarre situation. So Big Z gets lit up by the Braves on Friday night to the tune of five dingers. After the dreadful Dan Uggla takes him yard for the second time, you could see the steam coming out of his big bean-loving ears. He threw at Larry Jones twice, got ejected by Columbus's own Tim Timmons(yay!), and then was seen smiling in the dugout as if this was some sort of hilarious comedy starring Kevin James. Oh, he cleaned out his locker, left the park, and told someone in the clubhouse that he was retiring. Now obvs that was a lie because he still has 40+ million to steal from that brilliant organization but at least the Cubs told him to stay away for a month (which is likely to get them sued by the union but whatever). After all, they've got a pennant to win! They can't afford distractions!

Dennis Rodman was all an act. Mark Fydrich was stupid and now dead. Metta World Peace is just weird. Brady Quinn is clearly gay. I truly believe that Carlos Zambrano is legitimately insane. Like fo' realz. I'd even go so far as to say that he is the craziest athlete of the last 20 years and that is considering that Mike Tyson threatened to eat a British guy's children at one point. The phrase "million dollar body with a ten cent head" is pretty apt in Z's case. He is a lunatic. He is brown trash...a rare case of a lazy Mexican (insert my old chestnut: "everyone that's from south of America is a Mexican"...Colombians, Puerto Ricans, Brazillians, even Haitians = MEXICAN). But then again, I like train wrecks and Zambrano's yearly meltdown is always a delightful watch. It's almost unbelievable how soft, immature, thin-skinned, and weak-minded this revolting human being is.

So what do the Cubbies do from here? You know, besides going another century without winning anything. Do you buy him out? Do you welcome him back and hope that he doesn't try to start yet another fight in the dugout with teammates? Do you make him take "Anti-Vatos Locos" classes? Or do you trade him? Trust me, it can be done. How do you fight crazy? With even MORE crazy!

The Cubs trade Carlos Zambrano to the White Sox for Adam Dunn. It's almost too perfect.  It even sort of makes sense financially.  I already know that I'm smarter than Ken Williams and Jim Hendry, this only confirms it.

Z and Ozzie are fucking made for each other. Can you imagine the arguments between these two? Over/under on the usage of "pindajo" is set at 80.5. I'm 100% certain that if they fail on the diamond, their landscaping business will be a huge success. On the inferior side of town, the Cubs are too shitty and stupid to sign either Albert or Prince this winter so to show their drunk fans that they care, they can pass off Dunn as an attempt to make the team better. I mean, he's just as bad as Carlos Pena. No one will know the difference! You just swap players that the current fanbases hate! It is almost too brilliant.

I made the claim earlier that Carlos Zambrano is the craziest athlete in sports. So for the open forum portion of today's post, I ask you to name anyone more nuttier than squirrel turds.  I don't think that there is one, but then again, I spent about 6 minutes preparing this post.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Here We Go Again

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
Are we seriously going to have to keep doing this every year?  Last summer, it was all about Utah, BYU, Boise State, Colorado, and Nebraska.  Now, apparently the landscape of college athletics is about to change again.  I'm not really sure if this is good or bad.  So I'm taking the perspective of "indifferent" just because the schools involved in the new shift are about as irrelevant as the DFL.  But let's talk about it anyway (because I feel that the commenting will pick up on this topic).

Word broke on Saturday morning via Doug Gottlieb (really?) that Texas A&M was going to the SEC.  He must have acquired this info while stealing someone's credit cards.  I don't really understand why the SEC would want the Aggies but whatever.  They were mediocre at everything in a far weaker league yet they are attractive to the best all of a sudden?  Makes no sense.  I think it's stupid to say that bringing in A&M opens up Texas for recruiting.  Uh, HELLO!  You are the goddamn SEC!  You already pillage and plunder Mexico's Hat.  It's not like Texans have never heard of the conference that wins the BCS Title EVERY year.  Again, what does A&M ACTUALLY offer that improves the league?  UPDATED after I wrote this:  SEC wants nothing to do with the Aggies!  Doug Gottlieb is a liar!

I do appreciate A&M's approach to this.  We're leaving because FUCK TEXAS!

Now we're being told that Mike Slive (Slive, not Slave) is prepared to build the first of the dreaded 16 team super conferences.  OK, I guess that that makes sense.  But who is a good fit for the uber-cheating of the ESS-EEE-SEE?  Florida State seems like a good option and Jimbo Fisher has them on the verge of being a national power again.  They're also considering Clemson and Missour-ah.  Those two don't make sense at all.  Neither of them are good at anything.  Clemson is about the most worthless school in the country as they gave us commenter Jeff and year after year of underachieving.  Missouri is pretty much the Clemson of the Dust Bowl.  Those schools just don't seem to really improve the quality of the product.  Fuck them, they're out.

If I'm Mr. Slave, and I've already accepted that pear-shaped loser, Mike Sherman, into my conference and need three more teams, I'm making these three calls first.
1. Florida State
2. Oklahomo
3. Oklahomo State

Let's face it, Texas is going independent as soon as they can (next year?).  So don't bother with them.  This is the SEC so media markets don't matter at all.  People are going to watch the product even if the ESPN primetime game is Kentucky vs. Vandy.  Why?  Because that's still better than 90% of the rest of the country.  FSU has always felt like an SEC school what with the grade fixing and pro talent that they crank out.  Oklahomo is consistently a force of nature.  Okie State isn't sexy but getting "Bedlam" under the SEC banner along with T. Boone Pickens' billions of dollars makes a ton of sense to me.

The rest of the Big 12 castaways end up going to the Pac-12, Mountain West, or Conference USA.  Notre Dame still acts like their shit don't kill videographers.  Maybe the Big Ten decides that Kansas and Mizzou make decent enough sense (especially for hoops) and the little guys continue to get kicked in the teeth.  The more things change, the more that they stay the same.  I guess that realignment is just something that we're going to have to live with for the next 5-10 years.

As far as DFL Draft Day, I would consider it a success even with the tardiness of numerous tards and -Rex's fake back injury.  I played one of the best rounds of golf of my life and absolutely BURIED Dut by 7 strokes.  Some dude in the group in front of us had a hole-in-one...ON A PAR 4!  I was pissed because it looked like he didn't even care.  Fuck that guy.  I would have played the rest of the round nude if I did that.  I'm basing my team's success (Caylee Anthony Makeout Party) on Brees, Osama Mendenhall, Fitzgerald, Boldin, and Tim Hightower.  I currently have Vince Young AND Randy Moss on my roster.  I guess that pounding a 12er during the draft could be considered a poor decision.  Oh well.  The previous two years, I loved my teams and they never made the playoffs.  If I'm indifferent now, that means championship...although I'll need to trade for Roy Helu, Jr to feel even better about that.  Adios.

Friday, August 12, 2011

FFF: Don't Waste Money On Whitey

"What's 'taters', Precious?"
Well, tomorrow is the DFL Draft LIVE from Dut's gay sex dungeon/basement. I think that everyone agrees that this is way too early to draft but whatever. I can't possibly understand the allure of meeting Carl Edwards in Bristol, TN. Would you be impressed if I posted on here, "Sorry, won't be posting all of next week. I'm going to Atlantic City for the Miss America Pageant...ALL ACCESS! And I get to meet TONY DANZA!" Would you be jealous of that? Would that be justifiable enough for me to take time off from the blog? Of course it wouldn't because it's gay. Just like the commissioner of the DFL. But what are you gonna do? We're drafting tomorrow whether I like it or not so I might as well prepare myself. I was thinking of unleashing my list of fantasy underrated guys today but then I realized that that would be stupid to give away my secrets. So instead, today you get the list of guys who are ranked waaaaaaaaaay too high this year. In fact, just save your money when the names of these guys come up.

And as always, I need to remind you that I have been playing fantasy football for over a decade now and have only won one money league...the 2005 G$FL title. It's a damn fine title. I do have a handful of runner-up finishes though. So take this with a grain of salt if you would like. Or take it as gospel as I would prefer.

QB: Josh Freeman - I like Freeman. I really do. He reminds of Big Ben but without the accusations and gray dick. He's just a big dude who doesn't always make pretty plays but always seems to win. ESPN has him rated as the #10 QB this year which means that in a 12 team league, they expect some team to start him every week. Hells nah! I don't trust that. They have Freeman rated higher than Matty Ice, Eli the Tard, Flacco, and Kolb. I'd maybe take him over The Tard, but no one else there. I've said it before and I'll say it again, getting a rippling stud QB on your roster increases your playoff odds by a ton. Unless you take Peyton. Fuck Peyton.
2010 Pick: Matt Ryan...PUSH. Actual quote from last year: He will probably go before McNabb, Palmer, and Flacco...but I like all three of these guys more than Ryan. MISS!!!

RB: Peyton Hillis - I don't think that it's a stretch that if Peyton Hillis was Lamar Jenkins, no one would care about him. And I have a Madden cover as proof that this is true. Hillis is a badass but let me give you three big reasons (other than the team he plays for) as to why you should pass on the White Rhino.
1. Madden Curse + Cleveland Curse = ???
2. He takes a fuckload of hits and fumbles a ton.
3. Never forget that he kind of sucks and was traded for Brady Quinn. Remember, he was only good for about 8-9 weeks last year.
Some dumbass Browns fan/racist will pimp this fucker up to 40 bucks. Let him do it. You don't want none. It's too risky. Also someone to stay away from is LeSean McCoy. HE DOESN'T SCORE! And the Eagles have no short yardage plays. McCoy will also go for way more than he should.
2010 Pick: Brandon Jacobs...HIT!

WR: Chad Johnson - You already know how this is going to happen. He'll have about 4 touchdowns in the first 3 or 4 games because Belichick needs to prove that he made the right acquisition to stroke his ego. Then, Chad will sort of fade away slowly and be targeted less and less each game because he can't shake corners anymore. Eventually, he's nothing more than a decoy out there and blossoms into a malcontent. He ends up with 800 yards and 6 td's but gives you almost nothing over the last 12 weeks. A few dumbasses in your league will think that he's due for a monster now that he's out of Cincy. Be smarter than that. Also overrated: Jeremy Maclin. Until he practices, I'm going to believe the rumors that he has some sort of disease that will kill him. Don't draft a guy with Super-Lupus.
2010 Pick: Anquan Boldin...HIT!

TE: Dallas Clark - This fucking guy always gets hurt. If you want him, you have to take him semi-early and then he never plays after week 8. There is nothing more annoying than taking a leap on a stud TE and then watching them get hurt and having to pick through the scrap heap to replace the guy. It sucks.  Nobody should have to pick up Bo Scaife off of waivers.
2010 Pick: Jason Witten...HIT!

K/DEF: Mike Nugent/Lions - People still drool over Nugent around here. Even if the Bengals cut him, someone will still draft him. He always fucking sucked. The Lions still have nothing in the back 7. Teams will throw at will on them. If you are still reading this for advice on kickers and defenses to avoid then you should not be playing fantasy football. You should be sucking off truck drivers at Lollipop Park. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS! Oh maybe I do have something, Nate Kaeding is a little faggot who looks like a real-life Butters from South Park. Don't draft him out of spite.
2010 Pick: Garrett Hartley/Baltimore...???

That's it for today, boys. You know something else that is wildly overrated: The Goonies (which I watched this past weekend). That movie fucking sucks. I wish that the Fratelli's killed all of them. How the fuck did pirates get a big ass ship inside of a massive rock? And then the rock closed in around the ship? Huh? One-Eyed Willie and his crew, I believe, were all murdered yet were all sitting UPRIGHT around a table and absolutely NONE of their treasure was taken? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. FUCK YOU, FELDMAN! Although that Andie chick is fine as fuck. I could go on and on about how terrible this movie is but I'll stop here. Let's try to get the commenting back to our normal standards next week, please. Until then, fuck you, Dut.