Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Am A Real American League, Fight For The Rights of Every Man

After the manager reportedly told him that they were closing, Cabrera "leaned near" the manager's face and told him, "I will kill you."
Hey, today is Opening Day! Yay! Uh, whatever. I don't get worked up about this shit like fans from loser teams do. If you are excited for Opening Day, your team probably sucks and is already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. But before we get into horrible predictions...a little tangent.
Did any of you listen to Mike and Mike yesterday morning at about 7:30? I like listening to it on the way to work because it helps heighten my road rage and that is a necessity. You know guys, you probably don't HAVE to read every stupid line that Subway writes for you. Anyway, they had Roger Clemens on yesterday and it was a nice reminder to how mind-numbingly retarded he is. I mean, he is extremely stupid. NOTHING that he said made any sense over the radio. They asked him what he was doing at the Shell Houston Open and he "ummmmmed" for 3 minutes and then referenced a wounded warrior that he brought with him. He mentioned that he was excited to "get his day in court", oh, at least about a hundred times. Clemens mentioned that they have a sign in his kitchen that says something like "Family time only interrupted by baseball season" which is stupid and inaccurate. I would hang this in the Clemens kitchen, "Family time also interrupted by blaming your wife for your addiction to steroids". Or something like that. Since Roger had not been heard from much over the past year or so, it was refreshing to hear his lies again. I can't wait for him to get convicted for perjury. It's going to be great. That, and I want Rusty Hardin back in front of the cameras. Don't worry, tomorrow's lead-in will be about the juicy details from the Bonds trial (which has been outstanding). Enough of that, let's dig in to my American League Predictions:

AL East
1. Red Sox - I'll pick them to win the division, but I don't believe that they are going to be this buzzsaw like many expect. They don't have a ML catcher on the roster. Outside of Lester, their rotation is a big question mark (statistically, Buchholz was the luckiest pitcher in the league last year, Beckett has looked awful this Spring, Lackey is repugnant, and Dice is terrible). They'll be able to score runs, but their fans are still homos.  Especially you, Jeff.
2. Yankees* - I kind of like the role of underdog. I'm not too concerned about the perceived crappy rotation either. They'll be fine...unless CC gets hurt. Then they're fucked. Did you know that Eric Chavez made the opening day roster? Terrible. Andruw Jones. Bartolo Colon. Even worse. Derek Jeter is going to get his 3000th hit this season. That should be nice.  And A-Rod is going to put up a MONSTER this year...just watch.
3. Blue Jays - I wish that the Jays would go back to wearing those light blue unis full time. Those things are great.  And that's pretty much all I have to say about Toronto.
4. Orioles - Buck Showalter has me perplexed. I approve of his Theo Epstein bashing but disapprove of his Jeter angst. I think that Buck has gone crazy. The Orioles have a weird team. Vlad? Derrek Lee? Mark Reynolds? That's a whole shitload of K's that they signed this winter.
5. Rays - Count me as one of the few that think that these guys are going to be horrible again. They have one good pitcher and their closer is Kyle Farnsworth. Their closer is Kyle Farnsworth. Say it one more time.  75 wins might be a stretch.

AL Central
1. Twins - Well played, Mauer. I just wanted to write that. Whatever, everyone knows that the Twins are going to win this division and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. They are the most predictable team in the game (except for the Pirates). I see that MLB has instituted a 7 Day DL for concussions. Good idea. Justin Morneau has been on this DL for 9 months. He is a Canadian Cunt. That should be his nickname.
2. White Sox - I really liked the Adam Dunn signing. He's a pretty underrated hitter. Everyone looks at the strikeouts too much but you can pencil him in for 35/100 every year. That's great production. Dunn appears to be the kind of guy that is way too stupid to understand Ozzie Guillen, too. That isn't a bad thing.  Jake Peavy is AJ Pierzynski's vagina.  That makes sense to me.
3. Tigers - Your superstar is a drunk. Your ace is white trash. Your closer works at Taco Bell. Your manager is the Marlboro Man. Dut informs me that Phil Coke is your 4 starter. That's terrible...just like Austin Jackson. I can't wait to win those arguments again!
4. Indians - They won't be as bad as you think...only because the Royals are in the same division. But they are going to blow. Although I love me some Carlos Santana.  Hopefully the Red Sox don't try to intentionally end his career again this season.  Fucking cheats.
5. Royals - I spent the last five minutes trying to think of players on their roster and I ended up with three: Soria, Aviles, and Butler. I don't know anyone else on KC. And I am really good at fantasy baseball. Are they even fielding a team this year?

AL West
1. Athletics - I guess that this would be my shocker pick. A's fans are more than likely Raiders fans so you know that they're cool/dangerous. They have a good, young rotation. DeJesus and Coco is a better than average top of the order. The Andrew Bailey injury hurts, know what, I have nothing else to say about the A's.
2. Angels - During our fantasy draft on Sunday, Ide tried to draft Nick Adenhart. I damn near shit my pants. I wasn't expecting that.  It was a pleasant surprise.  Hopefully, Kendrys Morales can hit home runs this year without breaking his leg.
3. Rangers - No team that has knocked the Yankees out of the playoffs has made the postseason the following season...FACT. Actually, this is probably not a fact. Texas concerns me though. They snuck up on everybody last year but that won't happen this season. They lost their only good pitcher. They are pissing off the longest tenured stud and still solid Michael Young. They gave way too much money to Adrian Beltre. Their manager is a coke fiend. I don't see it happening this year. I see a regression for the Rangers.
4. Mariners - Welcome back to the bigs, Eric Wedge! And you too, Eric Wedge's mustache! That flavor saver is bigger and better now than it ever was in Cleveland. Seattle is going to be rotten.

AL MVP - A-Rod
AL Cy Young - Jon "Wicked" Lester (the original band name of just learned something)
AL Manager - Whoever is the manager in Oakland
AL Rookie - Uhhhh, Michael Pineda?

Playoffs - Red Sox over A's, Yankees sweep Twins like usual, and Yankees over Red Sox of course!

I don't even know why I write this post. You know that I'm going to pick the Yankees. Even if deep down I know that they don't have it, I can't bring myself to pick anyone else. I'm just excited to finally tell my side of the story and have my day in court.  National League tomorrow...I bet you can't wait for that.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Who Ya Got?

(This is Hilarious)

Douche Lord of the Week: Seal's Kentucky Wildcats took out the Fuckeyes and forced all of Fuckeye Nation to put their entire focus on their slimy, sleazy, and shady football program. We thank him for that. So we pay homage to him Mortal Kombat style.

Who Ya Got? The Final Four is settled and on Monday night we will have a champion. But that's not what I want to talk about. Over the last several days there has been the usual media blitz that has the coaches and several players doing interviews. I caught Gay Crawford interviewing Shaka Smart on Cold Pizza, or whatever the hell it's called, and he struck me as a guy I would love to play for, have a beer with, listen to Nas with, or rip on ESPN with. That got me thinking, how does he stack up against the other coaches in the Final Four. That is, if I'm an 18 year old baller with mad handles--and not a 25 year old fat guy with a silky smooth jumper like myself-- what coach do I want to play for?

The tale of the tape:
Shaka Smart, VCU. As I said, I would love to play for this guy. He went on ESPN and ripped Jay Bilas and Joe Lunardi and even had to ask his player, Ed Nixon, to not let him blow up. He's like the Ozzie Guillen of college basketball but without the sexy Venezuelan accent. He will use anything and everything get his kids to play with a chip on their shoulder, even if it's just meaningless drivel from some hack like Skip Bayless. VCU has won five games in the NCAA tournament, but Shaka is still demanding Joe Lunardi apologize to his team via rim job. And if I told him that Ready to Die was the greatest rap album ever he would know exactly what I'm talking about, not something that can be said about most college coaches.

However, with a name like Shaka it's pretty much guaranteed he doesn't touch the swine. And after missing out on the Montgomery Inn Groupon--HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU PUT A LIMIT ON THAT DEAL!-- I don't even want to discuss how much a despise people who don't eat pork...sweet, smoky, juicy pork.

Brad Stevens, Butler. G Money calls him the best coach in college basketball hands down. I call him a guy who looks like he's 12 and never seen a vagina. His story is pretty awesome though. He left his well paying big boy job to become an assistant...a volunteer assistant. You know he's passionate about the game if he was willing to allow his wife to be the breadwinner while didn't bring in an income. Can you imagine that? Mrs. Ace already can't stand me. If I were to quit my job and become a volunteer porn director she would definitely have my sack. Brad Stevens is a hero.

But there's a real chance that when this guy calls it quits he'll be the winningest coach in college basketball history. Yeah.

John Calipari, Kentucky. Do you want to go to the NBA but still have to get past the obligatory one year after high school? John Calipari is your man. You will get paid handsomely. You won't have to take your own tests. And you won't have to learn how to shoot free throws. How could you now play for John Calipari?

Oh yeah, he's a sleazeball and after he leaves the school your college career will no longer exist. But no tests, dude.

Jim Calhoun, UConn. He's just always seemed like an ass hole, so I can't even imagine how insufferable he will be now that he got suspended for recruiting violations. But hell, if he can bring in $12 million per year for the state of Connecticut imagine what he can do for you. Yeah, he's just an old ass hole.

That's a tough choice to make. I'm torn between Shaka and Cal...but then I remembered Cal has his own liquor. Nothing says class and integrity like Maker's Mark.

The Future of Food. I have always said that I didn't care how roided up my chicken was or genetically enhanced my corn was; it's all the same. But then I watched this documentary, The Future of Food. It's scary how the process of genetically engineering food happens. It's scary that just a few corporations run the farming industry by donating millions to campaigns. It's scary how these corporate big wigs are jumping back and forth between EPA jobs and board member positions at these giant corporations. It's scary that it costs $3.20 to produce a bushel of corn, but a farmer only gets $2.20 per bushel in return, with the difference being made up by government subsidies...your tax dollars. So we are losing money by making inferior produce. Going organic has never made so much sense.

Stan, I'm your biggest fan. I don't have HBO but somehow I need to watch this. HBO's Real Sports to focus on "the money handshake", the illicit payoffs talented players received to attend and stay at college sports factories. Stanley McClover, a former Auburn defensive end, talks about how he received not just cash but sexual services during a recruiting visit to Ohio State. Only one thing can be determined from this; anOSU girls give toothy blowjobs. I knew I should have went to Auburn.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm Not Done With You Yet, Ohio State Football

Now I have sympathy for Jim Tressel.  No one deserves that.
Since Fuckeye Nation has been dumped (again) from the tournament, now all of their mouthbreather fans get to go back to whacking off to spring practice and other stupid shit that has to do with the football team. Oh, I'm sorry, the football team with highly suspect morals and standards. It's only fair that I'm accurate with my labeling. I'm a professional after all. This is a great time for all of us "haters" of all things scarlet and gray (or scarlet and red as Gus Johnson screwed up recently). So lets all dive back into EmailGate one more time since there have been a few new developments that have been masked slightly by the sexiness of the NCAA Tournament. I don't even remember where we left off but we'll

***The Fuckeye Five WILL be sitting the full Fuckeye Five games - I feel like we've talked about this already. No surprise. They were guilty as sin and the NCAA rarely lessens punishments anyway. Toledo Tim 26, Ohio State 24.

***Jim Tressel suspends himself Fuckeye Five games, too - Finally, someone in this department shows some backbone and does something. As you will see later, I firmly believe that Tress probably should lose his job over this, but at least he seems sorry and ashamed. I actually applaud this move of suspending himself. I can tell you one thing, no one in the goddamn aye-see-cee would do this. But he's trying to tie himself in with his players and it's an unfortunate but pretty cool move for him. This is one of the few times that I've actually respected Jim Tressel just because he's made a stand and a statement instead of the usual boring monotony.

***Jim Tressel DID forward the information from those initial emails - Uh oh. This is where shit gets sticky. You can't tell us that you sat on those emails for privacy reasons only for us to find out later that you forwarded them to Terrelle Pryor's pimp in Jeanette, PA. No way. I can't stomach this and I say that as a guy who actually likes Taco Bell. Don't give me this shit about how you weren't sure if you should tell your AD/Compliance people and then think it's OK to break the news to some really shady character back home. That's weak. And we're finally getting to peek under the hard candy shell of Jim Tressel to see what he really is. Slippery. Sneaky. A conniver. Possibly a muff diver. I don't know for sure but what I do know is that this absolutely STINKS. And like I've been saying all along, THIS IS NOT OVER.

***Hollywood is getting their hooks into this saga - Remember how none of us enjoyed those Miss Congeniality movies where we were expected to buy Sandra Bullock as a really hot chick? Well, expect a third movie to roll out from this franchise this Fall...yep, "MR. CONFIDENTIALITY" to be released this Labor Day. Don't worry, Tressel will have PLENTY of time to promote this piece of shit. This was a horrible joke, I know, but it made me chuckle in its stupidity and that is all that matters.

It's hard to say if the NCAA knew all about this or not. They seem like a shifty yet resourceful bunch. But the fact remains that Tress keeps coming off worse and worse throughout this ordeal. I'm starting to not only feel that he SHOULD be fired, but that at some point, he WILL be fired. Eventually, Gomer Gee and Bubba Smith are going to stop ignoring the circling buzzards and actually do something here. At least you would think they would. They can't be that oblivious. Things tend to work a little differently when you have a college football team with a college around it as opposed to the correct other way around. I think that it was last week when I was all about saying that Gene Smith had more blame on this then he was letting on, but now I don't know about that. If you go back to that initial presser when Geno wouldn't allow JT to answer the question, now I don't think that it was for a cover up. Now I think it was because had he answered it, Blackstache would have had no choice but to fire him. But now were here anyway and playing the guessing game for how this all plays out is and will remain incredibly fun.

Fuck 'em all. Fire all three. Bring in Urban Meyer. Watch him die on the sidelines.

Seriously though, is Jim Tressel THAT irreplaceable? Just look at USC. They lost a crook, brought in an even bigger criminal, and are building back up again. So you fire JT, take it up the ass for a year or two with your coming sanctions, and then rebuild back into a BCS Title Game loser under the not-watching eye of...that's right...Barry Switzer. What a perfect match. A match made in Hell.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Smarch Madness #4

HAHAHAHA!!!  What a great weekend of college hoops!  The Final Four is set.  NONE of us saw this one coming and we'll get to that.  But first, it's time to take a knee, look to the heavens, open wide, and slide Seal's scrotum into your mouth.  The Money Shot's one and only UK fan deserves it.  So let's discuss that.  Yes, you can take his balls out of your mouth now.  I already did.

*GO HOME BUCKEYES - The weekend got off to a lovely start obviously when Billy Buford's 14th miss of the game sent the #1 overall seed home for the Summer.  Outstanding.  Now, obviously, most of you Buckeye fans are still probably pissed off but that was a GREAT basketball game.  Just amazing from start to finish.  It wasn't really sloppy.  The athleticism was off the charts.  Josh Harrellson throwing a 95 mph fastball at Sullinger's chest was sick.  It had it all.  And before we slam the Buckeyes for a poor shooting night, that number is kind of skewed due to all the block shots.  I think that UK had 9 or 10 so it's not like they were just chucking up bricks all game.  UK just defended them REALLY well.  I thought that Cal mentally beat the shit out of Matta (which happens every year in the tourney for Thad unfortunately...he just isn't a great in-game coach).  Thad SHOULD have told Buford to stop shooting.  Sullinger wasn't the best, but I would have kept feeding the beast anyway.  I felt like they forgot about him for too many stretches.  And correct me if I'm wrong, but anOSU did not sub ONCE in the second half.  You can't do that no matter how skilled your players are.  You just can't.  But the important thing here is that OHIO STATE IS OUT!  WEEEEEEEE!  Time for you bandwagon jumpers to focus back on your dirty football program!

*They're all coming back? - Don't overreact.  Of course, Buford, Sullinger, and (for some reason he was asked although I don't know why), DeShaun "Mac from Night Court's Son" Thomas are all coming back.  What else are they going to say?  They just got upset and the pain was fresh.  I'll believe it when the deadline passes.  The important thing is that Jon Diebler will never play basketball in America again...and that is awesome.

*Best Coach in the country - There is no argument against this.  Brad Stevens is the shiznit-o-bam-snip-snap-zap.  He is the best mind in the game currently.  It isn't even close.  That fucking beanpole can coach.  Butler is just so awesome.  I had The Sports Reporters on in the background while I was writing this portion and the normally insufferable Mike Lupica had a rare great point.  Last year was a real life version of Hoosiers.  But Hoosiers the movie never had a sequel.  We are getting that now.  I am sooooo on the Butler bandwagon.  I want these kids to win so badly.  And if they end up playing Kansas (this bullet written before that game), I look forward to seeing how much Steventud outsmarts idiot Bill Self.  That is going to be enjoyable.  "GO BULLDOGS"--Nate Marroquin (Damman might be the only one who gets that reference but it is an amazing reference). 

*But let's not forget about - Shaka Smart.  Holy shit.  He should just pack his bags now because he can name his price anywhere.  How about them fucking VCU Rams?  Well done.  But then again, the years have proven that it isn't hard to beat Bill Self in the tournament.  If somehow a rowdy band of hobos could get into the dance, they would beat Kansas by ten plus.  Bill Self sucks.  Never forget this.  That title that they "won" because Memphis gave it to them really hides the fact that Self is a rotten coach.

*Cheaters do win - And then there's Kentucky who is going back to the Final Four.  Whatever.  At least we have a villain to root against next weekend.  Jim Calhoun is a scumbag, too, but he ain't no Cal.

So here we go, possibly the most bizarre Final Four of all time.  UConn and Kentucky should be entertaining and is chock full o' pro talent.  But then we have Butler vs. VCU.  What a strange game to be nationally televised.  They both earned it though.  Can you think of two other teams that have played better than these two over the past two weeks?  I can't.  Which tells me that they belong.  And either that's incredibly cool or just shows how weak college basketball is this year.  Maybe a little of both I suppose.  Either way, the Bulldogs or the Rams are playing for a national title next Monday and that is awesome.  And since I picked Duke to win it all a week ago, my prediction to cut down the nets next week is Kemba Walker and Company.

No more Buckeyes.  Maybe next year...probably never.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I Wanna Be, I Wanna Be Like Cal!

Invisible monster dong!
We all know who John Calipari is. He's a snake oil salesman (by the way, what does that term even mean?). He's a cheater. He's a hell of a recruiter. But he's a scumbag. And as his past has shown, it ALWAYS ends bad for the school that makes the mistake of hiring him. Kentucky is not an exception. It WILL come crumbling down (again) for them. I don't like it that I have to root for that assweave tonight. I don't want to. But I have to. This bullplop from Coach Cal sure as shit doesn't make it any easier:

"Understand that: They want to be us. Not beat us. Be us. So they're coming at you, trying to say, 'You win against Kentucky, it shows that we're them.' So everybody we play is going to bring it and bring it at a high level."
Huh? This isn't the 90's anymore. Kentucky isn't the top program in the nation. They aren't even close. A Final Four appearance would be required to even put them in the discussion. Considering that the NCAA has to keep an investigative team on Cal at all times, I'm not sure why anyone would be envious of Big Blue. This quote is just so ridiculously misguided and nonsensical. A win over Kentucky means that you are Kentucky? Do you get their uniforms after the game? Do you automatically get placed on probation just by beating them? Do you get their history of racist coaches? Your own Ashley Judd clone? Do you suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis? And of course everyone is going to bring their best against UK. Why wouldn't they? With their talent, ignored academics, and bloated payroll, that's pretty much an NBA team.

Calipari is also implying that Ohio State cares about basketball at the same level that UK does. That's not true. That will never be true. The bandwagon fanbase just won't allow the hoops program to achieve that kind of growth.

Anyway, this got me thinking about something. If I was a basketball coach, who would be the five coaches that I would love to knock out of the NCAA Tournament? In no particular order...
-Bob Huggins
-Jim Calhoun
-Coach K (obviously)
-Jim Boeheim

It doesn't even matter where they are coaching. They're all assholes and it would be awesome to know that you made them cry. They all need to be taken down a peg or 12.  In conclusion, GO WILDCATS tonight! Don't let Ohio State BE Kentucky(?)! I've got a good feeling that that Harrelson kid (whose dad sports the lovely camoflage UK hat) will play Sullinger well. Queequeebler and Uncle Tom Lighty go a combined 0 for 20. Seal rulezzzzz!  Fuckeyes droolzzzzz!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Jumped The Shore

And to think, Vinny's shirt may have spent two weeks in the toilet.
I've come to a sad realization over these past few months. Sure, season 3 of Jersey Shore has been entertaining but I can't shake the feeling that we're just seeing the same old shit over and over and over again. That's because we are. They go to the same clubs. They do the same shit. They have the same mind-numbing conversations and arguments. And in that aspect, Jersey Shore is kind of jumping the shark for me. Yes, I will be a faithful viewer always, but I can't be the only one excited that next season (abroad!) is probably going to be the last (at least with this cast). I like to think that The Situation's absolute tank job at the Trump Roast said it may not be entirely over for these people, but it's damn sure close. Let's talk about Season 3 though. Obviously, we were back in Seaside Heights which means our Elite Eight were once again in their comfort zones. How about some winners and losers? Let's do this:

Pauly D - Pauly would have to do something really really bad to ever be considered a loser. He just consistently brings it.
Snooki - I thought that this was a great season for Snooks. She fell in love with Vinny which was a downer, but she also got a public intox arrest along with a bout of alcoholism. She also parlayed her entertainment domination into a feud with Vickie Guerrero and a Wrestlemania match. Good work, Nicole!
Roger - Apparently, everyone in Seaside knows him and he got to Plow the Woww...not bad.
Deena - The "Blast in a Glass" came out very strong in her rookie season but has sort of petered out down the stretch. But she only had to fill Angelina's shoes which she did, oh, about three seconds into the season premiere.  Why yes, I do think that I would hit that.
Sammi Sweetheart - She was a definite loser the first two seasons but in season three, she was smoking hot, a little less bitchy, and punched her fag boyfriend. But she still kind of sucks.  I disagree that she had her tits done though.
Arvin - I would prefer it if "Arvin" was actually Arvid from Head Of The Class but mad props to the meathead who FINALLY broke up Sam and Ron. He did what no one else could.
Vinny's Family - These people need their own reality show. They all appear to be fucking nuts.  Uncle Nino for Heisman.
Domestic Violence - Am I the only one who thought that Ronnie should have been arrested for DV this season? Between the screaming and the chucking the bed out the window, someone should have done something. Bravo to MTV for just ignoring his rage.
Ronnie's Parents - His mom drunk dials the house. His dad is some sort of wise, perfectly mustachioed sage. We need more of the Ortiz-Magras.

The Art of Pranking - As someone who has pulled a quality prank or two, I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the lameness of these people trying to "one-up" each other. The cheese bed was OK. The cab to NYC was clearly staged. Everything else was dumber than shit and showcased how little creativity these people possess. LET'S HANG SNOOK'S STUFFED TURTLE! DERP!
The Situation - Yeah, I'll say it, Sitch sucks. He's a little bitch with his constant gossiping. The man appears to be able to cook a hell of a Sunday dinner, but I will never forgive him for wearing a SportsNation hat all season. Pro-Cowherd?  Gay.  And his haircuts are ridiculous.
Danny the T-Shirt Guy - What a turd. I hate this guy so much. I hope that on tonight's finale, Roger (Dut's dad) pops up out of nowhere and strangles him to death on camera.
Ronnie - Awful. He is such a cunt. If you take every man on the planet and put all of their heartbreaks together, that conglomerate didn't shed as many tears over a woman this year than Ron did. His dad deserves a cooler son.
Danielle The Jew Stalker - Where did this broad come from? For as bad as MTV made her look in season 1, why in the fuck did she show back up this season?
J-Woww - Still hot but you get the vibe from her that she knows she's famous and the Shore is beneath her. And that leads to her keeping herself in check. I really hope that she got a hold of her ex, Tom, and got her hard drive back. Although that thing probably has a shitload of homemade porn on it and I want that to surface on the net.
Jersey Shore Lingo - Enough is enough. Come up with something new. GTL, grenades,'s all played out. Considering how dumb these people are, they probably won't be able to come up with anything new in the "offseason".
Plumbers - Yeah, that toilet that they clogged because some asshole tried to flush a wifebeater, WHILE PEOPLE KEPT SHITTING IN IT, was repulsive. These 8 morons are fucking disgusting. Two weeks worth of Ronnie steroid-shits has to be quite pungent.
Vinny - I thought he was great in Souf Beach but he regressed back in Jersey.  Having Danny pierce his ears was not his finest moment.

Fake Ronnie - It wasn't even close either. Fake Ronnie AKA Dean just dominated the show in the brief time that he was featured. Don't believe me? He was immediately more accepted into the group than real Ronnie was AND Deena TOSSED HIS SALAD after a night at the bar. And yeah, like all gentleman, he made that news public. Fake Ronnie was the best part of Season 3. Hands down.

So now the group waits to head to Italy which I assume will lead to at least one deportation. But this is the only way that it could go. They are too famous for the States and Seaside has been destroyed by their debauchery. Good luck, Europe. As soon as MTV announces the premiere date for the final season (at least with this crew), I will be the first to have it. So check back in periodically for the most comprehensive Jersey Shore coverage and stay for my incredibly clean anus.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Midterm Mail-in

(Holy fucking fat tits Batman...she's 18, right?)

Douche Lord of the Week: Hey look, it's Neil Patrick Harris' faggier twin...and it looks like Shook's Son got ahold of his face. Congrats, Seal.

Midterms are gayer than Vin Diesel. Whoever created Midterms can get fucked with a rusty chainsaw. I understand that I need to be tested in grad school, but that's what finals are for. I don't need two of those fuckers.

So I have this research class where I learn how to conduct cogent and reliable research. Fine with me, I've taken 4 in undergrad. But this crazy lady decides that at her first semester at my school, she's the new Deans wife, she needs to send a message. So she introduces this "new way" of studying, the SQ4R. She claims it will help you retain nearly 90% of what you read. Sounds good to me, I don't remember shit other than the color of the chick's thong sitting in front of me from the week before. And it works, if you re-read the material 900 times. Which means it's not the system at all, it's just me repeating more meaningless work. So we are supposed to have a midterm over the first seven chapters, about 280 pages, even though we have only gone over five chapters in class. So I bust my ass studying for an entire week because this lady is crazy; like wears hippie dresses and has 300 cats crazy.

I get to class, and she hands me a 20 question multiple choice test. At first, I'm furious. I just busted my ass studying so you could pick out 20 questions from 250 pages of material. Then, I see the questions and realize this is a guaranteed A, so fuck it. But right before I start the test, she tells us there will be a take-home portion of the test that consists of 25 short answer and essay questions, and its due tomorrow at midnight. Mind you, it's St. Patrick's day and I'm not giving up my night of planned drinking for anything. I've never been so pissed to get a take-home exam in my life. What a thoughtless whorebag.

The Challenge. You guys picked your teams, or half a team in Seal's case, and here are the standings, and also the players that are left in the tournament.
1. Drew: 137. Jared Sullinger.
2. The eventual champion, Mr. Ace: 134. Jimmer, Derrick Williams, and Jimmy Butler remain.
3.Irishman: 93. Nolan Smith and Justin Harper.
4.Tony B: 129. Kemba Walker and Matt Howard.
5.G$: 115. Harrison Barnes.
6.Lange: 79. And only a Dukey, Kyle Singler, left.
7.Lil Strut: 76. Marcus Morris.
8.Jeff: 72. Nobody left.
9.Seal: 57. Nobody left...because he's a moron.
10.Dut: 36. William Buford...because that's the only pick he made.

Yes, I am the only participant with three people left. And yes, I am better than you.

Final Four. I guess the Final Four will be decided this weekend and the games start back up I might as well let you know who will be playing next weekend. Kentucky, Kansas, BYU, and SDSU. There you go.

Tiger's New Toy. I'm sure you have all heard this by now, but Tiger Woods is dating again...or at least he's banging skanks. Her name is Alyse Lahti Johnston and her private life is officially over. Next week she will have a sex tape. The following week she will be in rehab. And then before May she'll be a burnt out reality star blowing Charlie Sheen for a sack of Molly's.

But what do we think of her?
She's alright, but she's not Tiger pussy. Hell, I'm more excited about how awesome that puppy is in the picture than anything she has to offer. To me this is just a sign that his golf game will be mediocre again this year. If you're Tiger Woods, why are you dating some random 22 year old 7 when you could slay damn near any chick in the world? Seriously, why? Why is he dating Alyse when the obvious choice should be this young lady;Yes, this deserves to be posted twice. Probably more.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Just Figure It Out Already

Tiki and Ronde?
I can't be the only one who is sick of hearing about the NFL Lockout.  It hasn't even been a month yet and I feel like it's gone long enough.  I don't give a fuck.  No one is going to get what they want so just bend over, take "just the tip" instead of the full footlong, and keep cashing those big ass checks.  All of you.  Don't fuck with us (the fans).  We may seem like the type of pussies that will always be there, but who really knows if that is actually true?  I don't.

All along, I was on the side of the past and present players.  It's almost always the workers that are getting fucked in these strike type situations.  But I don't feel that way anymore.  I'm sort of "asexual" when it comes to this bullshit now.  Here is why I can't side with anyone but myself:

The Owners - Have you read anything coming from this side that made you sympathetic to their cause?  They held the networks hostage for all the TV money this year even if their is no season.  They take public jabs at guys like Peyton Manning and Drew Brees.  Roger Goodell might as well change his name to "White Gene Smiff".  Jerry Jones.  Dan Snyder.  Mike Brown.  I would bet that 90% of the owners are pure and unadulterated assholes.  They claim that they aren't making as much money as you think but won't show anyone proof.  What the fuck is that?  That's like finding out from an ex that you should take an AIDS test and then the doctor not letting you see the results.  That analogy made no sense but that is what AIDS does to you...makes you incoherent and gay.  And Peter King is their lardass mouthpiece...that doesn't help change your perception to the public.

The Players - Oh for the love of fucking God, all these assholes had to do was shut the fuck up and let the public back them.  But then you have poopshoots like All Day and RaTard Mendenhall calling what they do "modern slavery".  You know, I'm no historian, but I don't think that Thomas Jefferson was paying his slaves 7 figures to pick his cotton and receive his DNA.  Yeah, I am now not on the player's side.  But what about...

The Networks - Sure, they are definitely going to get fucked over this.  But they are such bottom-bitches for the league that they coughed up 4 billion dollars anyway with no promise that this would be resolved.  Make a stand.  Tell the NFL that you refuse to air gay-ass Thursday games, dammit!  Those are bad for the league, dammit!  It's bad football, dammit!  Or what about...

The Fans - Eh, we are a fickle bunch.  And I don't want to be on the same side of the argument as Steelers fans or Cowboys fans.  I don't know about you, but a full year without Redskins Football might not necessarily be a bad thing.  I bet that my blood pressure and likeliness for a brain aneurysm would decrease.

But the real losers here and the people that you should feel bad for...

The Food/Beverage Industry.  Think about how much money bars and wing joints and pizza places and butchers are going to lose with no football on Sundays.  Those are the real victims here.  Hell, the entire city of Green Bay might file Chapter 11.

Either way, just fix this fucking shit.  For once, if the government has to step in and get these assholes to agree to something, then sobeit.  Just stop taking up my sports radio/Sportscenter segments with retarded updates about these fags meeting with some mediating ass-twinkie in DC.  No one cares.  And if Adrian Peterson wants to be treated like a slave, well, I've got a pair of shoes that could use a good shine, dickhead.
The fuck?  Apparently, The Buccaneers are the favorite to be this summer's Hard Knocks team.  That's gay!  Raiders or GTFO.
Today, marks the first day that my office has been moved up to Polaris.  I want to kill someone.  If I had my own slaves, that thirst for blood could be quenched.  Instead, I'll do the usual and take my frustrations out on my pecker.  SEXAY!!!  So if this post didn't satisfy, tread lightly, because I am not going to be in the best mood.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Smarch Madness #3

What a great weekend.  I have had my fill of hoops though.  Seriously, I'm spent.  I complained to the wife about how exhausted I am just from watching basketball for 48 of the last 96 hours.  She rolled her eyes and called me a fag.  Or at least she wanted to.  So let's dive right into the FIRST AND SECOND ROUND.  Third round my ass.  I have so many random thoughts and ideas that I have no clue if this post is going to flow at all.  Oh well, it can't be uglier and/or scarier than Lesley Visser.  That would be impossible.

It only took them 30 or so years - Uh, this whole 4 channel, staggered scheduling idea is fantastic.  What took so long to figure this out?  No more being held hostage by DirecTV.  No more being forced to watch those horrible 1/16 games.  We get them all now and can watch the ends of every game.  Fantastic.  And I learned that I actually get TruTV.  Now I know where I can not watch Hardcore Pawn!

Speaking of terrible shows - Each of the 4 networks has done a brilliant job of showcasing new and TERRIBLE shows premeiring soon.  Oh, Chaos is about a wacky CIA team?  Zack Morris and the midget from Road Trip are unorthodox lawyers?  Steven Spielberg has a new weirdo alien show that only my mom would watch?  Or maybe Big Brian The Fortune Seller is up your alley?  Eat shit.  Bring back Boy Meets World.

I like Barkley and The Jet - Yeah, they aren't 100% comfortable and you know that they don't watch a lot of these teams, but they still know basketball.  And I don't need my studio analysts trying to teach me shit, I would rather have them talk about how rotten Villanova is.  That is much funnier.  One thing that I did enjoy was those two complaining about how college teams seem to not know what to do against a zone defense.  I say the same thing.  IT IS THE EASIEST DEFENSE EVER and it is lazy.  I can't tell you how many times I've screamed at the TV regarding a team looking clueless against a basic zone.

That being said - Putting Greg Gumbel with those two was a horrible decision.  Greg Anthony held his own, but Gumbel seemed confused.  Every single time that Charles got going, Gumbel would cut him off.  Chuck should kick his ass.  Ernie Johnson would have been a much better play here as he is used to Chuck's improv skills.

Make it a fucking holiday - How about this:  if I want to give up MLK Day and Memorial Day, I can shift those holidays to getting the Thursday and Friday of the tournament off.  MLK couldn't ball anyway.  If you worked Thursday and missed the afternoon games then you are a sucker because that was one of the finest four hour blocks of competitive basketball that you'll ever see.  You should be able to pick your holidays.  If I want to celebrate Christmas in late March, then that is my prerogative!

Gene Smith is a fucking disaster - What an awful job of seeding this year by The Liar.  In essence, you would think that every 8/9 game should be played within 5 points.  These teams are supposed to be equal in the eyes of the committee, right?  So why are Tennessee and UNLV being down by 20-30 points pretty much the entire game?  Why is Richmond, a conference champion, a 12 seed?  Why are you letting 11 Big East teams in when 3 would be more than enough?  Gene Smith is terrible.  He should be fired from every thing that he is a part of.

Speaking of the Big East - What a complete piece of shit conference.  And this happens EVERY year.  Can you remember the last time that a Big East played for a national title?  I can't.  It was probably some weirdo UConn team from a bunch of years ago.  But it's been nothing recently.  Yet they continue to hog up at-large bids and never deliver.  Pitt is fucking terrible.  They do this shit every year.  This is what Jamie Dixon teams do.  They blow.  St. John's was overrated.  Georgetown is like an even less relevant version of Pitt.  Jay Wright wears a bracelet so you know he's a loser.  If you fill out brackets like a mindless drone next year, do yourself a favor and just assume that all the Big East teams lose early.  You'll probably win.  One exception:  Kemba Walker sick.

You know what - Let's say that the NCAA makes me tourney chair next year.  This is what I conference can get more than half of their teams in the tournament.  If you can't finish in the top HALF of your league, you shouldn't get a shot at a national title.  Period.  As far as the play-in games go, no more 16 seed games.  They played their way in, dammit.  No, those first four games should take the previous year into account.  Yes, the tournament should take a team's recent past into account (which they conveniently did for Izzo this year).  So the first four games should be comprised of 8 teams that were upset by teams at least 5 lines below them in the tourney the year before/have a history of sucking.  Pitt, Georgetown, Clemson, Villanova, Louisville, Tennessee, St. John's, and Vanderbilt.  Those 8 teams make up your play-in games for the foreseeable future.  They should have to EARN the right to play in the real tournament.  I like this idea.  If you continually mail-in tourney games, then fuck you.  Why should the committee forget this?  Go to Dayton, assholes.

I heart Isaiah - I don't know if Washington was ever on national TV this year, but watching Isaiah Thomas play this weekend was outstanding.  I like guys that play 1000 mph.

Best announcing ever - I've loved hearing Marv Albert and Steve Kerr and the normally retarded Reginald Miller calling these games.  Loved Marv's call on Derrick Williams' winning block on Memphis.  And of course, Gus Johnson is still the best in the business.

I hate you - For as much as I rag on Queequeebler here, I can't think of a more objectionable team than Wisconsin.  I want to headbutt everyone of their stupid, non-descript, interchangable white bastards.  Brusewicz should be shot.

These commercials suck - I don't plan on ever working on my car, but if for some reason I do, I will NEVER go to Napa.  Ever.  I hate that singing guy and that jingle and that Humberto Brenes lookalike singing with him.  It is a terrible ad.  The guy admittedly isn't a doctor so why does he have an eye chart?  Huh?  Explain yourself!  N-n-n-n-Napa butt plow.  And another thing, get fucked, Buffalo Wild Wings.  I'm talking about the spot where they drum up the fake storm.  So the waitress asks the table if they want another round but they have to get back to work.  Yet the one guy has a 90% drank beer in front of him!  What a professional!  All of a sudden, it's OK to have 20 ounces of booze with lunch, BUT NO MORE!  Terrible commercials.  And another thing, if a team calls a 30 second timeout, that doesn't mean that we need to see a commercial.  It ruins the flow of the game.

Poison?  Really? - Did anOSU fans really need to poison George Mason's best shooter?  Typical classless assholes.

That about covers it - Ummm, that about covers it.  I'm writing this during the first game on Sunday so if something crazy happens, it means that I didn't feel like editing the post.  So let's hope that George Mason wins, k?  OH, one more thing.  Why the fuck are they playing late games on Saturday and Sunday now?  They didn't used to.  Everything used to be over by 10 on Sat and 8 on Sunday.  And I liked that.  I do not care for the notion of staying up past midnight on a Sunday night just to see if Florida State and Notre Dame can play as boring of a game as I imagine that they can.

In conclusion, Pitt is terrible.  Barkley still rules.  My poop could think of better advertisements than what we've been seeing recently.  And don't watch any of these shows that these networks are promoting.  Psssst, I'm picking Duke to repeat.

Friday, March 18, 2011

From The Desk of...MUDawg

The tits on the left are part of the story.  Think of them while you read this.
You’re stuck in a school bus and all you can smell is feces. It’s so profound you’re starting to get a headache. At the end of the bus ride, there is a football team ready to beat your ass. This is a love story.

Without hesitation, I will admit that Ohio’s coverage of High School sports is outstanding. In Atlanta, you’d get a 5 minute segment at the end of the night listing scores and maybe 30 seconds of highlights of the “Game of the Week.” In Ohio, (at least in Cincy) there are 15+ minutes dedicated to all the games – it’s been very impressive.

So why does this matter and why do you care? Because with so many highlights, I’ve quickly picked up on the region structure of the schools, how schools are segmented, what the big conferences/teams are and how the playoffs are broken down. This is in contrast to Georgia – where the leagues are set up mostly by county.

Where I went to high school, you’d play a 10 game regular season football schedule. 8 of those games would be from inside your county and 2 would rotate every year against teams from bordering counties (the schools would be of a similar size). Top two teams from each county advance to State.
This lead to some LONG bus rides if you had to play a team from another county that was simply far away.

My sophomore year, it was my turn to “dress” for a Varsity football game. Our coaching staff believed that allowing sophomores to dress made them aware of the serious nature of the varsity football and helped them approach the game seriously. We responded by trying to stuff multiple cups in our protective girdles to make our cocks look big and then wave to girls in the stands. Classic-backfire.

The coaches also insisted on a pre-game meal. The felt it helped the players to focus and concentrate on the issue at hand. This isn’t a joke; we weren’t allowed to leave after school had ended. We had to stick around, eat a meal sponsored by one of the boosters and then get dressed and travel together. Meals were almost always lasagna/salad or steak and potatoes…something simple but relatively healthy.

I’m chosen to dress before a big game against one of those cross-county teams. We have a legit 50 minute drive to the other school and the winner gets the #2 seed and a berth into the playoffs. It’s a very serious game. Pregame meal is eaten in silence, even by the sophomores who normally would dick around. The meal baked chicken, spaghetti and salad. We eat, pack our pads and then get on the bus.

About 25 minutes into the drive, a foul odor starts to hit the air. It’s sour but not overwhelming. Think day old milk left out in a hot room. 10 minutes later it’s worse. Another 10 minutes and the whole bus has their windows down. We’re laughing like crazy thinking someone is just dropping ass the whole way but the coaches are getting angry. The special teams coach (a spectacular redneck) screams for “all the horseplay to stop” and “this is for the playoffs, damnit!”

Eventually, we hear it. Like spilled cottage cheese hitting the supermarket floor, we hear the unmistakable sound of diarrhea hitting the floor of the bus.
One of the sophomores, too embarrassed to ask the driver to stop tried to hold his bowls the entire way after eating a bad piece of chicken has shit himself, explosively, on the bus, and we’re 15 minutes away from shower where he can clean himself.

The victim’s name is Alan. On the JV team all he played was special teams and a little bit of tight end. He was skinny and relatively polite. He rooted for Tennessee (where his mom was from) and the Philadelphia Eagles (where his dad called home). He was so painfully embarrassed he kept his head down and his face turned away from us. Nobody bothered laughing anymore. The exit from that smelly bus was less organized than Hurricane Katrina and I had my foot cleated twice trying to push through to the door.

The coaches eventually threw away Kevin’s game pants and pads. He stood on the sideline in sweats and a hoodie and tried to laugh about it after he cleaned himself up. Come Monday morning, the story was EVERYWHERE in our school. Like HIV in Uganda, the story was out of control and spreading faster by the minute.

Alan moved away for college, choosing to attend a school in the Mid-Atlantic and to pursue a an engineering degree. According to Facebook, he lives and works in North Texas and has a girlfriend with spectacular boobs (see attached picture I like to think that he told her about his poopstravaganza and she married him out of pity. If my time spent watching 45 second clips on has taught me anything, it’s that women with large breast will be very nice to you out of pity – so I’m probably right.

Any who, sorry for being so damn longwinded in my first post on G$’s blog. In closing, I’d like to predict that in three years time, Jared Sullinger will either be in jail or murdered in a knife fight. I hate you all.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Re-Re-Updating The Slacker's Digest

I forgot to run this post last year, but the lessons remain the same.  I'm taking the day off to watch hoops because I am a patriot.  If you are working, here is a guidebook on how to get through the day.
One of the main questions that I'm asked, when people inquire about my blog, is "how do you get away with blogging at work." My answer is always a simple yet purposely unspecific and mysterious "I have a system." Today, I announce to the world my tips on how to blog/dick around/watch the tournament on the internet while still remaining an employee and "earning" a paycheck (which ironically, I have slowed down on during business hours since this post initially ran in 2008).

We all remember the episode of Seinfeld where George says that he doesn't have a lot of responsibilities during the offseason (after his promotion to traveling secretary) and fools everyone by constantly looking annoyed. Well, with the NCAA Tournament tipping off today, you all will be in the same boat of following/watching games online. I will not be, seeing that I wisely requested these two days off months ago, but I'm here to help. You don't care about being productive at your job over the next two days so stop trying to fool everybody. You care about Butler taking Old Dominion to overtime and the strong desire not to have your bracket busted/nailing an upset. We all know it. Hell, even your employer knows it. So here are some tips that will not only leave you unbothered by "the man", but also give you a heightened sense of self-worth since you just got paid to do nothing.

Just to clarify, I work in a cube right next to my boss. The only thing protecting me and my ability to do as little as possible and the person that wants me to maximize my time is a thin cubicle wall. Considering that this blog is still updated daily, I'm sort of an expert on this (nice job becoming an expert at a skill that couldn't possibly garner any compensation, ass). Not all of these tactics will work for you and I understand that. My mission here is just to give you guidance, a manifesto if you will, on things you can do to avoid being hassled while you stream a potential 2/15 upset in the Southeast Region. They have all worked for me in the past. They will continue to work no matter the office setting.

And thus, GMoney's addendum to The Slacker's Digest For Always Appearing Busy At Work.

1. Subtle Swearing - I use this one about 3-4 times/day. I think that a barely audible "dammit" or "shit" coming out of your work space shows your boss that annoyance factor that Costanza so expertly described.

2. Banging The Mouse - I don't like this one as much but it is still in my arsenal. It's simple, just pick up your mouse and hit against the mouse pad a couple of times. It showcases your frustration toward the speed of your computer and that you are trying to get your "work" done as quickly as possible.

3. Fake Typing - This is for the true amateurs and the over-confident experts. I am a paranoid employee and I always feel that the boss is listening to me and timing how long it has been since I've typed anything. Thus, throwing out a few fake types makes it look like you're still working on files even though you're reading a gigantic and typo-laced Monday Morning QB article.

4. Always Ask Questions - I recommend this the most for today's hoops festivities. When a game is at a timeout or something and you haven't made so much as a sound in the last hour, just go over to your boss and ask a work-related question. Now be careful, you don't want it to be such a deep question that they come over to your station to help you out. Make it simple enough that they don't have to leave their desk yet understand that you have an honest business-related hang up. Even if you already know the answer to it before you ask, still do it because fooling your boss is half the battle. The other half is, of course, not screaming a string of obscenities when one of your Final Four teams is upset in the first round.

5. Fake Phone Call - I've tried this a few times and if you can get over the silliness of the situation, it is a great way to fake work. You don't even need to dial a number, just pick up the phone and carry on a short conversation with a dial tone. In my job, you can't do much real work without being on the phone, so a fake call can do wonders.

6. Deep Sighs/Growls/Clearing Your Throat - I've been using this as my go-to move recently. It kind of goes along with #1 in which you want ANY noise coming from your cube to be heard. What is the point of making a fake annoyed grunt if no one hears it? A sigh shows that you're having a long day while the low "grrrrr" tells the world not to bother you for the moment. When I pull out the growl, my boss ALWAYS asks FROM HER DESK, "Are you OK?" My reply is a firm, "Yes, this is just so frustrating." Which the boss replies with an "I hear ya." It works every time and I can go back to posting snarky comments on some random blog.

7. Keep Your Ears On A Swivel - This is the absolute most crucial thing that you have to take away from this piece of getting away with not doing any real work...ALWAYS BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. If you hear your boss get up from their desk, minimize the damn internet window. If you hear footsteps approaching, exit out of the NSFW sites. If your co-workers are being kind of loud around your cube and you can't tell where your boss is, for God's sake put your pants back on. I can't stress this point enough. It is vital that you always know what's going on around you.

8. No Apologies - I've been caught before. During one of my marathon blog sessions, I failed to hear my boss coming and she caught me mid-post. She asked me to stop blogging because we need to get some work done today. A valid point, but my reply was just a simple "OK". Do not apologize no matter what. Chances are that your boss isn't working the entire 8 hours that they are there either. So just accept that you got caught in the act and move on. Your boss will go away almost immediately anyway and you get back to your epic post on why Cal Ripken is an overrated piece of crap. If you're like me, you're underpaid so if they can't handle you being on the internet for a few minutes at a time, they can go to Hell.

One more bit of advice that doesn't qualify as a practice, but definitely should be practiced. When you come into your office/place of employment today and tomorrow, don't immediately start talking hoops. You don't want it to be known publicly how much you love college basketball. Let them figure that out. There is no need to draw unwanted attention toward you and your desire to follow the Madness all afternoon.

Guys, I've done my part. If you are stuck at work the next two days, you now have a Slacking For Dummies guide to help you be all the hoops fans that you can be. These tactics will work. You just have to trust me. Enjoy the games and remember what our old pal George Costanza once said: "It isn't a lie, if you believe it." If you believe that you deserve to follow hoops all day, than by God, go do it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Some Competition I Made Up

(True's beautiful)

Douche Lord of the Week: So I got this email from G Money:
I'm drinking with Damman this past weekend and he tells me that he really wants to be DLOW which is why he was talking about Tress being bulletproof last week. I found this to be extremely sad that he would go that far but then again, this is pretty much defining of a Douche Lord.
That is pathetic, just pathetic...dedication. However, Damman had a serious challenger:
Good riddance Fake Buckeye... To further show he doesn't get it, he should have just left by saying something like "We enjoyed our time in Columbus, but are looking for a change of pace and Nashville gives to that to us." Instead this moron decides it's a good time for a parting shot. I wonder how Clark Kellogg, Jimmy Jackson and Chris Spielman can all do national work and live in Columbus..but not feel like they have to move. Probably cuz' they aren't dip shits that get into twitter wars with 20 year old kids. See ya Fake Buckeye....I hope you get Deliveranced (nice verb to make up) in TN.
That's just pathetic. So in honor of these Douche Lords, the banner features something that can be found in both of these tools closets. I call it The Queerbler, a sex toy Thad Matta has jizzed up the last three years. I believe Diebs hairy vagina will suit you both well.

The Challenge. I wanted to do some sort of commenter competition for March Madness beyond just filling out some brackets. I thought about just having people pick the Sweet Sixteen teams and then whoever got the most right would win that round....but that's lame. But I think I have a pretty solid idea.

In college we used to have this pool where we would draft players in the NCAA Tournament based on how many total points we thought they would score throughout the tournament. So you would draft the leading scorer from some 1 seed in the first round because they are the leading scorer and their team was likely to go deep into the tourney. There would be like 12 rounds and it was always good fun. I don't think I can orchestrate that in the comments but we can do something similar. Here are the rules:
  1. You will pick four players in the NCAA Tournament. Again, this is about who scores the most points throughout the entire tournament. Only points count.
  2. Your first pick must come from seeds 1 through 4. And once a player is picked he is gone. So don't try to draft Queebler after Drew has taken and splooged all over him first.
  3. Your second pick must come from seeds 5-8.
  4. Your third pick must come from seeds 9-12.
  5. Your fourth pick must come from seeds 13-16. The play-in games do not count towards your total.
  6. You can make your picks however you want. You can make four separate posts or post them all at once. So if you want a certain play for your first pick but aren't sure about your other three, you can post that first pick so you get that player and make your other three picks later. The picks must be made in the comments of this post.
  7. When you make the pick, please put the players team with it as I have done below. I'm not searching through Alabama State's roster for you.
  8. If you post simultaneously with another commenter and have the same player picked, whoever is first in the list of comments gets that player. So when you make your pick make sure you check and see that this didn't happen.
As noted in the comments yesterday, the winner of this competition will win there very own G$ and Mr. Ace Book Hockey Party...a real treat.

Since I set this whole thing up and am going to be tracking it, I get the first picks. Fuck off.
1. This is tough. I wouldn't be surprised if BYU gets knocked off by Wofford...but I don't think Gonzaga or St. Johns's are that good, which makes it likely I will get 3 games out of Jimmer. And Florida sucks. Oh fuck it, drafting a Mormon can't end well, but I'm rolling with Jimmer Fredette because that road to the Final Four looks pretty easy for them.
2. This is either Jacob Pullen or Derrick Williams. I'll go with Derrick Williams (ARIZ).
3. I'm torn here. I think USC will win tonight and go on to beat Georgetown. But I don't know if I want to risk taking one of their guys. I will hold off on my third pick and make it in the comments.
4. I'm picking between Belmont, Oakland, and Bucknell here. Seems like Belmont is the most likely team to win their first round matchup so I will go with Ian Clark (Belmont).

Boom. Leave your picks in the comments.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Who Needs Zack Greinke?

What was the point of the Brewers trading for a former Cy Young Award winner when they have a perfectly good "Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time" on their staff?  Not enough pitchers wear shorts with dress shoes.  If I gave you three guesses to nail The Honky Tonk Man's real name, I'm pretty sure that you would say "Roy Wayne Farris" at some point.  He just looks like a "Roy Wayne Farris".  I want to be friends with Roy Wayne Farris.

Some might say that this throwaway post is stupid.  I would respond by saying that The Honky Tonk Man doing anything is deserving of a post here.  After all, he's cool, he's cocky, and he's bad.

And yes, the Brewers just won the World Series this year with this re-shuffling of their rotation.  At least that's what The Mouth of the South Corey Hart thinks.

Even Ohio State Fan Can't Stand Ohio State Fans

American Hero.
In the 4+ years that I've been driving this blog off of a cliff everyday (but not on Wednesdays!), if there is one point that I have continued to hammer home it is that Ohio State fans are the worst fucking people on the planet.  Yet they don't understand how awful they are which is the most frustrating part about it.  At least Red Sox fans embrace their assholery.  Buckeye fans always tend to think that it's the OTHER SELECT FEW anOSU fans that make them look bad, not themselves.  Which is laughable because it's beyond ridiculous.  It's sort of like that line in Rounders when Damon sits at the table in AC, "if you think that others are the asshole fans then you are the asshole fan".  Or something like that.  That analogy sounded a lot better in my head.  Ignorance is not bliss for the rest of it.

Well, it's nice to see that at least one Buckeye fan agrees with me.  And I give him credit, at least he has the stones (and millions of dollars) to get out of here.  Kirk Herbstreit is moving his family from Columbus to Nashville.  I don't blame him.  Nashville is a cool ass city.  Let's hear from the Gameday Analyst and interject my opinion on what he really means:

"Nobody loves Ohio State more than me (pffffft, he isn't even a black cowboy!)," said Herbstreit, a former Buckeyes quarterback (who never beat Michigan so he isn't a TRUE BUCKEYE!). "I still have a picture of Woody Hayes and my dad (Jim, a former OSU player) in my office (punching each other's faces or punching each other's large intestine?), and nobody will do more than I do for the university behind the scenes (ah, he must be in charge of deleting emails). But I've got a job to do (rim), and I'm going to continue to be fair and objective (he's going to work for Fox News?). To continue to have to defend myself and my family in regards to my love and devotion to Ohio State is unfair (you're goddamn right it're 40 years old, it shouldn't have taken you that long to figure this are aligned with dickheads and twats)."

"From a sports perspective, this is rough (just like Erin Andrews' pubic stubble--why yes, I just did link to the peephole video which still remains creepily awesome)," he said. "I love Ohio State (why?). Love the Blue Jackets (CARRY THE FLAG!). Love the Reds (Communist!). Those are my hobbies (online porn is much more satisfying). I don't like moving (sounds like "Sundays" at my house but in a different context). I love living here (at least it's not Cincinnata!). I don't want to leave (yes I do). But I just can't do this anymore (these people just keep getting worse). I really can't keep going like this (I wish that I went to Michigan where they still cheer Desmond Howard in spite of his horrific broadcasting career).

"Eighty to ninety percent of the Ohio State fans are great (no they aren't). It's the vocal minority that make it rough (minorities don't root for Ohio State, oh wait, I misinterpreted that). They probably represent only 5 to 10 percent of the fan base, but they are relentless (see below)."
That's bullshit.  He's lowballing us.  If he is openly admitting that 10% of Ohio State fans are queef-chugging dickbreathers (Hi, Iceman!), that's probably more like 25-30%.  And I still insist that that number is low.  In fact, I would estimate that on any given Saturday afternoon in the Fall, 90% of the people on campus are assholes.  That ten percent is mostly just old people who are too old to be assholes and hot chicks that are just killing time before they get raped (hmmm, even I find that tasteless).

I've never really understood why many anOSU fans hated Herbie anyway.  Is it because he's better looking (no homo) than all of those slobs?  Probably.  Because he acknowledges that SEC Speed exists?  Definitely.  But the answer that I usually get is that he doesn't pump Ohio  State enough on TV.  That he's TOO objective.  Apparently, being an unbiased journalist is a bad thing.  Nevermind that every single on of these tards hates Bob Griese due to his Purdue/Michigan ties and his perceived anti-OSU bias...forget that!  No, no, they hate Herbie because not spending two straight hours fellating Ohio State every Saturday morning is WRONG!  He is not a REAL Buckeye!

I applaud you, Kirk Herbstreit.  Giving one huge middle finger to Ohio State fans was fucking perfect.  Herbie for President!  And I truly do love writing these "Ohio State fans can get sickle cell and die" posts.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Smarch Madness #2

Why the hell does Verne Lundquist even own a globe?
You know, everyone has been talking all season about how this is a really down year for college basketball.  While that is probably true, I don't think that it's as bad as most do.  Sure, it would help if they made these kids stay for more than one year but the two most intriguing aspects of college hoops to me are buzzer beaters and superstars.  Well, this past weekend was chock full o' both.  On Saturday alone, it felt like every game came down to the final shot (including a nice mini-brawl courtesy of the MAC!).  And we're seeing some kids truly come into their own.  Kemba Walker, Harrison Barnes, Isiah Thomas, and Kosta Koufos all looked outstanding this weekend.  That's what I want to see.  If these kids are going to be one-and-dones, then that one better be fucking impressive.  Barnes might have just gotten himself up to the #1 pick again.  That kid is outstanding.  Anyway, the brackets were released so we should probably talk about those.  Keep in mind, I'm probably wrong since my area of expertise is bowl season WHICH I OWN ALL OF YOU AT!!!

I don't even want to hear any of these asshole coaches (coughsethgreenbergcough) bitch about being snubbed.  If you can't build a resume better than a team that lost SEVEN games in the CAA, you've earned your NIT berth.  So stick it up your ass.

Initial Thoughts - I have never been more confident than I am about Illinois losing to UNLV.  The Illini are a mess.  Penn State and Wisconsin set the game of basketball back 100 years on Friday night but FSU/A&M might be worse than that.  Vanderbilt is fucking horrendous.  It doesn't even matter who they played, I am picking against them.  I might be the only person in the world who really wants to see Notre Dame and Purdue play in the 16 round.
Upset Alert - Richmond over Vandy.  Book it.  The Spiders are solid.
Top 4 seed that won't make it to the second weekend - Louisville although I'm not very confident on that.  Morehead State will give them a decent run because Kenneth Faried and his 100 kids can play.  I just don't see Kansas, Notre Dame, or Purdue losing in this weak region.
Dark Horse - Purdue, I guess, but that really isn't a bold call.
Going to the Final Four - Notre Dame

Initial Thoughts - I like that Duke has to go out West.  Fuck them.  This has to be the first year in the last two decades that they actually leave their state.  This shapes up to be the region that will bust your bracket...I see a lot of upsets here.  Temple/Penn State will probably have a television rating of 0.0.  I can't think of two more irrelevant teams than those two.
Upset Alert - Oakland over Texas.  The Golden Grizzlies are really good and Rick Barnes really sucks.
Top 4 seed that won't make it to the second weekend - Texas obviously but I would also tread carefully with UConn.  Who knows how they come out after that grueling Big East run.
Dark Horse - Cincinnati.  A crappy Mizzou team and then maybe a fatigued UConn team?
Going to the Final Four - San Diego State (they barely have to travel)

Initial Thoughts - You know, for being the #1 overall seed, Ohio State got placed into a real bitch of a bracket.  This thing looks like a damn gauntlet of power programs.  Whoever comes out of this will have earned it.  I like the Buckeyes' chances but even a potential Sunday matchup with George Mason has to be terrifying.
Upset Alert - I don't see one in the first round, but I'll call Xavier over Syracuse.
Top 4 seed that won't make it to the second weekend - North Carolina.  I didn't like what I saw from them yesterday or all weekend for that matter.  They can't continue to get down big and dig their way back.
Dark Horse - Kentucky.  Ohio State/UK in the third round?  Yes please.  Seal's head might explode.
Going to the Final Four - Ohio State.

Initial Thoughts - This is the all overrated region.  Pitt is just waiting to choke.  Florida is not even close to being a 2 seed.  BYU could lose in round 1 if Jimmer is off.  Wisconsin can't win on the road.  This region blows.  I wouldn't be surprised if Butler goes to the Final Four as an 8 seed.
Upset Alert - Belmont over Wisconsin.  Lock.
Top 4 seed that won't make it to the second weekend - Ummmmm, 3 of them.  I'll pick the ever-annoying Sparty to knock out Florida.
Dark Horse - St. John's.  I think they're being hyped too much, but still, this region is horrible.
Going to the Final Four - Kansas State.  I picked them to win it all preseason.  I ain't no hypocrite.

To recap, I've got Notre Dame, San Diego State, Ohio State, and Kansas State.  This is never going to happen and if it does, it will be the worst Final Four ever.
There is still time left to get into Damman's NCAA Pool of Awesomeness.  It's $20 to get in.  If you are too lazy to email me, just say that you are interested in the comments and we'll forward the info and rules off to you.  Jon Diebler is into beastiality.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Does JT Regret TP?

Chris Cicero has told me that you guys need new whips.
I've actually been quite busy recently so we're going to hit a few topics today and then get out.  In and out, in and out.  Just like your dad and Shook's Son.

1. Colin Cowherd actually makes a great point...
-As we continue to pound the shit out of this Jim Tressel Lying story, I think that Colin asks a good question.  He had Herbie on on Tuesday when this broke and concluded the segment by asking Kirk, "do you think that Tressel regrets bringing Terrelle Pryor in"?  Herbie hemmed and hawed and never answered it.  You know damn well that he wanted to yell, "YES HE DESERVES TO DIE AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL!"  Or just a "yes, life would have been much easier without that guy".  Which is true.  Pryor hasn't done anything that Troy Smiff or Mr. Molecules didn't and he has only brought a negative spotlight.  He hasn't really matured as a person.  He's still an absolutely awful interviewer and Tweeter due to his idiocy.  But what do you guys think? None of us know Tress, but do you think he regrets TP?

2. Speaking of which...
-The more and more that I read into this, the more and more that I'm beginning to think that Gene Smith is involved heavily in this scandal.  Almost that he has the most to lose in this once the truth comes out.  Just what I'm thinking.  And Gordon Gee is still a fucking hypocrite (see: everything he said and did at Vandy compared to what he is doing and saying this time around in Columbus).

3. Hey, I'm OK with breaking another scandal here...
-I had to drive down to campus yesterday to meet with an oral surgeon.  While on Neil Ave, I am behind a big ass black Escalade with license plate "ZB 44".  I don't know if the Boren family is loaded or not, but I am willing to say, JIM TRESSEL BOUGHT HIS FULLBACK A CADILLAC.  All I know is that when I was in college, I drove a badass '91 Grand Am and NOT a fucking 'lac.  Dirty.  Ass.  Program.

4. Hey, G$, tell me more about the dentist...
No problem, voice in my head.  So, it's official.  After meeting with my Indian oral surgeon yesterday, I'm getting my wisdom teeth yanked on 4/7.  They've given me the option of being knocked out or awake.  What do you recommend if you've had this done?  I'm pretty sure that I could deal with the pain but the needles in my mouth is not something that I'm looking forward to.  I'm leaning toward the no nitrous now but that could go either way.

5. Table-Gate is probably over...
-If you remember this post from last Thursday, I was having issues with regarding the patio set that I bought for the wife.  Well, they were scheduled to deliver the set last Thursday at 6:30 and they didn't show up until 7:30 after I had already left for Trivia Night.  The driver blocked our entire street unnecessarily.  It's a 91 pound box and he didn't have any sort of jack or dolly to move it.  So he set it in our front yard and drove away.  For three hours we had a big box sitting in the middle of our yard which I had to push to the backyard when I got home that night.  Pain in the ass.  So Friday night, I send CSN an email wondering where our chairs were for the "Woodard Landing Chateau Outdoor Dining SET" which was the actual title of the product that I purchased.  I get a reply email from them on Saturday that it, in fact, was NOT a set.  By "set", they really mean, "just the table".  Fucking gay.  I called the wife to tell her and she immediately said that we were sending it back.  Problem was that I already took it out of the box and started tearing the box down to fit it in the trash can (because I'm impatient and the box was preventing me from parking in the garage).  But I set up for the box to be sent back on Wednesday night and after 3/4 of a roll of duct tape, the table was ready to roll and it's on its way back to Dallas.  The refund is in process and we are again looking for the 2010 Christmas/Birthday present for She$.  This was a complete fucking nightmare.  NEVER buy anything from

6. Finally, Damman wants YOU...
-Peckers, last year, Damman ran an NCAA pool that was awesome.  I was horrible at it but I thought that it was better than filling out a bracket.  In fact, his pool is the only gambling that I will do for the tourney.  It's pretty simple.  You have to pick the winner of every game (the day of the game or the night before) and by how much they win by.  You get points for nailing it correctly and lose points for picking the wrong winner, etc.  Lowest score wins.  I can assure you that it's fun.  He sends out reminders to get your picks in so don't worry about that.  If you are interested, EMAIL ME, and I will forward your email to Damman (or FB message him) for the rules.  It costs $20 and he will break knees if you are a deadbeat.  I will say it again, I PREFER THIS OVER FILLING OUT BRACKETS.  Get in.

That about covers it here.  I guess it wasn't as quick as I thought.  That's what happens when you BREAK STORIES though.  I'm getting hammered at Park St. Patio tomorrow with it.