Friday, February 26, 2010
How pumped is everyone for the NFL Combine this weekend!!! No one? Whatever. I would rather listen to my wife tell me work stories (and I REALLY dislike those) than watch this shit, but since this is the future of the NFL, it is kind of important. I can't believe I am actually going to write these next paragraphs. I really can't. I would say, "before judging me harshly, hear me out", but I deserve every bit of scorn that I will surely receive from this post.
I would not be upset if the Redskins drafted Jimmy Clausen.
Uh, you know what, that didn't sound nearly as bad in my head as it looks now that it is typed out. But I stand by it anyway. Now, as I mentioned last week, the Redskins really fucking need to overhaul the offensive line and drafting a stud left tackle in the top five is almost always a great idea. (In case you were wondering, currently the Redskins longest tenured starting offensive lineman is Derrick Dockery at ONE year. What a fucking terrible organization.) The counter-argument here is that very few teams have long term success without a franchise QB. There appear to be only two available this year in the draft.
Adam Schefter's symmetrical head is GUARANTEEING that the Rams are taking Sam Bradford at #1. That's a bit of a surprise while at the same time, it isn't at all. You can't just keep ignoring that unless something changes, the corpse of Marc Bulger is your starter. What I will argue here is that if a QB is not taken in the top 3 and Shanahan decides to get himself a slinger of his own, Clausen makes the most sense to me.
I really don't understand all the love for Bradford anyway. Heisman winning quarterbacks have always sucked in the NFL. He hardly ever got touched at OU. When he did, he got hurt. He is coming off shoulder surgery. He took a large chunk of his snaps from the shotgun. He looks like Drew Thompson. Native Americans have zero track record of success in the NFL, too! He is far from being a lock.
Now, I suppose I owe you an explanation for sort of coming around on the gay ostrich from Notre Dame (pun definitely intended...for dramatic effect!). Yes, he is immature. Yes, he is a punk bitch. Yes, his former teammates have questioned his leadership. I am aware of all of this. HOWEVAH! He played in a pro-style offense. He is used to playing behind God awful offensive lines (which is the Redskins finest attribute). He was really good in fourth quarters last year. He can make all the throws according to Kiper. He has a knack for comebacks. He is apparently a hard worker and a team first guy. He is not black (just kidding...or maybe I'm not...you can decide).
Take the pro's that I just listed. Isn't that EXACTLY what you want from your QB? The only problem is that this package comes in the form of Jimmy Clausen. If Tim Tebow was packing this line, he would be the consensus #1 pick! While Jimmy's appearance is a HUGE problem, at least he isn't Brady Quinn. Quinn never won anything in college (may not be true, but don't want to look it up). I guess that Clausen sort of reminds me of Eli Manning. He is a fully functioning retard who is probably not as highly regarded as he should be because he is retarded.
So take all of that into account for a minute and let it sink in. I STILL DON'T WANT THE REDSKINS TO TAKE A QB. But if they do, I would rather have this retard than Navajo Joe. And I would REALLY rather them take one this year than try to get Jake Locker next year because he is extremely fucking terrible. I think that an old creed for addicts is something like "admission is the first step on the road to recovery". I just admitted that I would have no problem with my team drafting Jimmy Clausen. I think that is the first step on the road to suicide.
Have a good weekend all. I will be attending Jim Gaffigan's set at the Ohio Theatre on Saturday night (fuck yeah). If you aren't watching Olympic hockey tonight and Sunday, we can not be friends anymore. I have changed my allegiance though...GO AMERICA!!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wayne Park. Meyerholtz Park. Two places that, when mentioned to people from my demographic from my home town, conjure up many great memories. Wayne sat on top of a hill overlooking a river. Meyerholtz was across the highway right next to the river. They were places that hosted many post-school gatherings among high school kids. The gatherings were never much more than just bullshitting between friends before everyone headed home for the night. But it was always enjoyable nonetheless. I am told that kids don't really hang out at these parks anymore which is sad because I couldn't imagine my teenage years without them.
Now if you read that last paragraph carefully, you will notice that I said that, most of the time, visits to either park were social in nature. I implied that not every trip was friendly. And that is true. Why? Because a few times per year, these two parks hosted fights. Real fights. Not this bullshit UFC stuff or anything like that. They were pure teenage hate and angst on display in full glory. Was there anything better than a high school fight? I argue that there was not. There were not many things that I would have rather watched than a fight between two classmates back in my high school days. I like to think that most red-blooded Americans would agree with this. Fighting is/was awesome. But fights in high school had a ton of roadblocks and needed to be handled with care if they were going to reach their entertainment potential. And that is why today I am going to hop in the time machine and remember the greatness which was the high school fight at the state park.
Many things needed to fall in line in order to ensure a proper fight. Here is what they are:
1. The Rumor - When two people were at odds in school, word spread quickly. Once I found out about a potentially volatile issue, I had to confirm it. Normally, the angry parties were not amongst my inner circle of friends and thus confirmation of pissedoffedness between the two was needed.
2. The Combatants - Like I said, most of the time, I never even really knew who wanted to rumble. But when I did find out, I immediately became best friends with them. It was crucial to know all the facts around the skirmish (usually retarded stuff) and then to keep throwing gas on the fire. The Hottest Bartender in Columbus had a knack for buddying up with the fighters and making sure that they were even more pissed off at the guy they were fighting then than they were when the fight was initially agreed upon. Basically, if you wanted to fight somebody, I would definitely help you get to that place.
3. The Setting - If a fight happens and no one is around to see it, did it ever really happen? It must be advertised and, yes, it is very important to pick the right spot. After all, you don't want to miss a brawl because you were at the wrong park. This is where the outsiders had a chance to influence. Personally, I preferred Meyerholtz as a battle ground. There may have been only one way out of there, but the path was long and if the law showed up, you could shut things down before they got there. At Wayne, there were two entrances and the chances of the police breaking it up were great. And you were stuck...and fucked. You definitely did not want the fight happening on school grounds though. Those always get broken up before they get good.
4. The Build-Up - If ensuring a fight requires some lying, then it must be done. Nothing was out-of-bounds when it came to this. Make some shit up about how Fighter A wanted to fuck Fighter B's 15 year old sister and that you heard him say it. Who cares? Whatever pisses the guy off more. Hell, if you are building up Fighter B, you know damn well that someone is doing the same thing with Fighter A. The goal here is that both guys show up ready to rip the other's fucking head off. This also leads to "I got your back" discussions. This is the dumbest shit ever. How many fights have you seen where two guys are going at it, 50 people are watching, and some asshole jumps in and suckerpunches one of the fighters? It has never happened. I am sure of this. Yet it was always a concern which is why people used to have "back". I guarantee that I said this at least ten times in high school and never had any intention of getting my hands dirty. If someone wants to go rogue and jump in, who gives a fuck? Someone else will deal with him. Either way, more fighting for me to watch!!!
5. The Down Low - Once everything is in place, everyone needs to shut the fuck up. The worst thing that can happen is a damn teacher overhearing some idiot blabbing about the upcoming bloodbath and then you get to the scene and there are already cop cars there. That shit is fucking weak. That is why high school fights aren't for amateurs. Yes, everyone already knows what is going down later on today and if I wanted to hear your lip, I'd pull down your pants and smack your pussy. Keep a lid on it. Silence is golden, or in this case, bloody.
6. The Transportation - Obviously, the fighters need to get there at any cost. But more importantly, YOU need to get there. YOU need to be one of the first people there to get a prime spot for this poor excuse for pugilism. But you don't want to drive. Oh no. Let someone else do that. Because if shit goes south and the po-po shows their fat faces, you don't want your car to get it's plates ran. For fuck's sake, if you did all that you could to get the fight started, someone should have the courtesy to take you there anyway.
7. The Rumble - Ah yes. It has begun. Tonight we dine in Hell. High school fights usually go like this. Both people show up and they are at least 2,000 yards away from each other. At some point, both start the trek toward each other. When they get face-to-face, they are both so geeked for kicking some ass, that the last minute smack talk is barely spoken in English. It literally makes zero sense at all. Then a punch is thrown. The first punch is key. Land it solidly, you can jump on your opponent and beat him into submission. Miss wildly and you are off-balance and done. A high school fight normally lasted about 3 or 4 punches until a winner was clearly defined.
8. The Aftermath - Now it's time to get back with your buddies, review what just happened, and laugh at how stupid those two were. It's OK to forget that the fighters exist again...until the next time they get pissed.
Seriously, was there anything better than watching a fight? I still remember the best one I've seen involving a wiry Mexican kid and a black douche. It was promoted almost entirely by white guys. It was a glorious, multi-cultural event with the black dickhead winning. There were about 200 people there at Meyerholtz Park and everyone got their money's worth (nothing).
I hardly ever miss my high school days (unless the topic of extra point kicking comes up), but fist-fights always make me nostalgic toward the good old days when it was just fists. I'm at an age now where I worry about people having knives and guns and shit. Now I play the role of peacemaker. I'm not an instigator anymore...there are just too many assholes these days. Personally, I've never been in a fight. Sure, I've been jacked before, but neither time was I knocked down. It's because I'm fucking awesome and you aren't. In closing, I will share with you the story of the last time that I was decked.
I was a Senior walking down the halls in between class. Out of nowhere, someone from behind me just drills me in the jaw. I didn't go down. I turned around to see Bullock, kind of a half bully/half douchebag type creature.
G$: What the fuck?
Bullock: (very matter-of-factly) I just don't like you.
G$: Fair enough.
And we both went on our way. I could have went after him, but I would have been destroyed and I had more fights to promote. He totally could have stomped my face in. But we each got we wanted. He got to release his hate on me and I got to not get my ass kicked. And in the end, isn't that what life is really about?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
This is Evan Stone. He is a porn star. I held off on bringing him up yesterday during Porn Day because I wanted to talk about him as part of a different discussion. You see, Evan Stone is awesome. His role as Capt. Edward Reynolds in the critically acclaimed porno, Pirates, was legendary. If The Money Shot was ever a premise for a major motion picture, I would want him to play me. I figured that Kevin James could play Ace. We would be dirty cops trying to take down even dirtier criminals. It would definitely win an Oscar. Anyway, this is going to be the worst segue in blogging history because now I want to shift to the NFL. And every prediction that I make in the future will be branded as an Evan Stone Cold Lock.
It's kind of weird that over the past two days, two of the best running backs in football over the last ten years have been given a two-in-the-pink slip. It wasn't that long ago that LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook were top 5 picks in every fantasy draft. Hell, that was probably two years ago. And now they are both unemployed. In an offseason of uncertainty in the NFL due to the weird restricted free agency rules, where these two end up is at least sort of interesting. You know that LT is going to being playing next year and if Westbrook's head is alright, he probably will, too. Neither of them are feature backs anymore but they could definitely help a team out still. Let's look at some of the teams who need running back depth/help.
Seattle - This would be a decent spot for anyone as Julius Jones is the worst player in the NFL and Justin Forsett isn't good either.
Cleveland - Jerome Harrison had a good finish but I'm not sure he would be able to handle the load. The Browns also offer a good offensive line which is enticing.
Detroit - Kevin Smith is awful and he's always hurt. They need someone who can take the heat off of Triple Chin Stafford.
Pittsburgh - Yeah, Mendenhall is OK and all but they could use someone better than Mewelde Moore to take ten-twelve carries a game.
New England - Are they ever going to address their shitty backfield?
Washington - I firmly believe that both Portis and Betts are gone. Shanny doesn't have a history of signing older backs though. They may make a play at Chester Taylor.
Houston - Steve Slaton was a turd last season. It would probably benefit them to bring in someone reliable for the goalline carries.
San Diego - Sproles isn't an every down back. I have a feeling that they draft Jonathon Dwyer out of GaTech.
So where will Westbrook and Tomlinson end up next year? Shit, I already know this. But then again, I'm smarter than you. In the time that you have wasted reading this, I have already copyrighted The Money Shot Movie. THAT IS HOW SMART I AM! The NFL is easy to figure out.
LaDainian Tomlinson ends up in Houston. He will continue to get shitty yards per carry but will score 10 TD's next year. He isn't the answer to get them over the hump, but he helps a bit. The Texans will still miss the playoffs.
Brian Westbrook (as long as he is cleared medically) will go to the Browns. Lock it up. The Browns new GM is Tom Heckert who just came from Philly. Westbrook still has some life in his legs since the Eagles hardly ever used him eventhough he was their best player the past five years. He and Harrison could form quite a tandem in the backfield. Hell, they could probably combine for over 2,000 yards on the ground even with a faggot QB handing them the ball/trying to fondle them.
So those are my Evan Stone Cold locks for running back free agency. It was either this topic or writing about the NCAA investigation into RichRod. I find that boring. Man, how long do I have to wait for another Porn Day? I want to learn more about the intricacies of squirting!
Monday, February 22, 2010
...because if you leave it open, eventually it becomes awful. In anticipation of tomorrow's Porn Day here (if Nate B's mother doesn't make the list, the list is a joke!), we are going to talk about some college hoops. In fact, every Monday through the championship game, we will be talking about roundball. Why? Because college basketball this time of year is awesome...and there is no football.
I'm watching the Ohio State/Michigan State game yesterday afternoon and something dawned on me while I witnessed Sparty lose to a team that any MSU team in the past decade would have beaten by 20: this program is off. Something isn't right. These aren't the same Spartans that I am used to seeing.
Let's say that you go to the grocery store and pick up a bag of cool ranch Doritos because they are awesome. You get home, open the bag, and plow through half of it in 5 minutes. Realizing that you want to have some around for a later date, you put the bag down and store it for future awesomeness. And that's the thing. You remember to close the bag so that the next time you go after them, they still have the same great taste. The crunch is very important to the overall satisfaction of the chip. If you keep leaving the bag open, eventually, those once great Doritos are going to turn into a sort of thing that tastes like Wheat Thins and shit. Basically, just don't let those fuckers get stale on you.
That is exactly what is happening in Lansing and Tom Izzo is just letting it happen. Sure, they are still a top ten program in college basketball and the best in the Big Ten and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. But is that good enough anymore? Yeah, they are pretty much a lock to make it to the Sweet 16 round every year (with exceptions of course), but they aren't a threat to win the title anymore. And they haven't been for 5+ years now.
Izzo got his bag of cool ranch Doritos a decade or so ago with Mateen, Mo Pete, and Company. It appeared to be a bottomless bag of greatness that would be never-ending. But he started losing his assistant coaches and seemed to shift from recruiting the studs to recruiting good players that would stay for four years (Zach Randolph likely helped with that...and Marcus Taylor, too). So little by little, he wasn't closing the bag after every use. It's about 80-85% shut still today, but air is getting in and the program is getting stale. They are boring. They don't churn out pros. They win 20+ non-descript games per year. It's the same old thing and it's starting to get dull to me. Kalin Lucas is a fine player, but you aren't going to win a title when he is your go-to guy. Period.
Did that make sense? I think so. I've been nails recently on my analogies. Look, I'm not suggesting that Izzo needs to go, but he does need to do something to un-stale his product.
And that leads me to my question today: Would you rather have a program like Michigan State or Duke in which they will always be competitive but never a true contender for the throne...or would you rather be like North Carolina or Kentucky in which they load themselves with one-and-done's in an attempt to cut down the nets but there would be some down years while re-stocking the shelves? Personally, I like UNC/UK approach in which you bring in the studs and try to win with them while they are there. You worry about the future later. I'm interested in the response on this one actually.
Now if you don't mind, I've got to go polish off three bags of cool ranch Doritos. Remember...WE ARE TALKING PORN TOMORROW!!!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
While I'm still in shock by the amazing Jamison trade for the Cavs, there is actually other shit going on in the world. Most of it is unimportant, but this nugget seems to have some legs. Tiger Woods is going to speak to the media today. Notice that I didn't say press conference. He isn't taking any questions from the media which is weak sauce, but still, it will be interesting to hear what he says.
Probably a good idea for him not to take questions. I know that if I was there, I would be going after every little filthy detail that I could get. "Uh yes, Tiger, G$ here from a blog. Rumors are swirling that you gave out payoffs to your mistresses to maintain their silence. Were these all done in cash or just in pearl necklaces?" And then I would have a driver shoved down my esophagus. But it would be the crowning achievement of my life (which says very little about my life).
Look, this is how it's going to go:
He is going to read straight off a piece of paper. He is going to apologize to his family for embarrassing them. He will not admit to anything specifically. He will say that he is trying to repair the damage that he's done. He will ask that his privacy be respected. He will say that golf is not the most important thing to him right now. And he will then ask for forgiveness. That's it. I guaran-damn-tee that he takes the Jason Giambi approach here. Tiger will be as vague as possible, answer no questions or speculation, and then be foolish enough to think that that is good enough. It is stupid. You have to give the media something or it will never end. Which is why he should hire me to be his publicist.
This is how it would go if I was writing Tiger's speech to the media:
"Listen up, fuckos. None of you have any fucking clue what it's like to be as rich as me. Pussy just throws itself at you. Shit, all of those cunts that came forward represent about 10% of all the shit that I was pulling down before I was forced to go to sex rehab. I'm not addicted to sex at all, by the way. I just like to get my knob wet. I have apologized to my family constantly for my indiscretions. You know, I probably should have just stayed single as this shit is going to cost me a fortune. But I will persevere. And I will continue to crush strange. Because I'm Tiger fucking Woods and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Hell, right now, my attorney is drawing up a contract for every broad I intend to fuck in the future. Oh, I'll violate every hole in her body, but if she gon' talk to the press, I am legally obligated to kill her. It's the law. So again, nothing is going to change in my life except now people know what I've always been: the best golfer ever with an insatiable lust for high class BJ's.
"People be asking why I chose today while the Accenture WGC is going on. Not that it's any of your business, but Accenture doesn't pay T-Wo anymore so T-Wo gonna stick it to those fucks. Who drops Tiger Woods? They will regret that. And fuck you to Ernie Els' fat ass for saying that this interview was selfish. Hey, dicksquirt, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have a beach house. You are barely relevant anymore. Why don't you just sit back, listen to what I need to say, and realize that you wouldn't have shit without me. Eat shit, Ern. Speaking of golf, I'll see all of you fucks in Augusta and I'm going to win that shit by 8 strokes. Don't worry, they already have my jacket size anyway."
I really need to open my own PR firm.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I haven’t made many appearances on this site but the news of yesterday calls for such action. I thought about talking about how great of a day it was for USA Olympians but then I figured I better not because G$ would ban me from the site and hunt me down a lock me in a small damp room with Steven A. Smith, Skip Bayless, and a gun with only two bullets (by the way, I hadn’t heard from either one of these douches in long time but then I made the mistake of flipping the TV over to ESPN2 First Take and there they were still in their afterbirth glory). So, of course, what I want to talk about today is the trade the Cavs made yesterday. You heard G$’s take on it already. He loves it. And while I like it, I’m going to play the bad cop here (without Tony K’s gay hat) and tell you why the Cavs shouldn’t have made the trade.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. The Cavs have the best record in the league and are playing great together. They chemistry they’ll show is amazing. They truly love playing with each other (not they way you’re thinking Seal) and look out for each other both on and off the court. While I don’t think adding Jamison is going hurt anything much, it could. I’m sure LeBron will have a 30 second hand shake with him before tonight’s game (is he going to be in uniform?) and LBJ will do everything to bring him fully into the team. However, losing Z has to sting in the locker room. The guys know how long he has been here and how much he has gone through, that it could take some wind out of the sail. What I really don’t get is how could Danny Ferry trade him when Nike just made the best commercial of the year with Puppet Z? Now Nike is going to have to stop running those ads for 30 days. That is the true crime.
Mike Brown and his rotation. It took Brown more than a quarter of the season to figure out the best line-up and rotation to use this year. He left Anderson in the starting line-up to long, he didn’t know what to do with Shaq, the guard rotation was a mess, etc. He finally got things settled and then injuries messed it up. Now he has to figure out what to do with Jamison. Obviously he is going to start. So that means it’s him and Shaq at the 4 and 5. Meaning Andy and Hickson are going to have to play together off the bench. I don’t think that’s a good line-up. And what about at the end of the game? It’s going to be Andy at the 5 and Jamison at the 4? What about Shaq? What about Z (assuming he comes back)? Even if Brown figures this out in the next month, what about when Z comes back? Who’s going to lose minutes and are they going to be OK with it? Like G$ told me last night in a text, Mike Brown is own lone weakness. I just hope he figures it out sooner rather than later.
How’s this move set up for next year? If we had landed Amare, (and resigned him) we would have had a core of great players in the mid-late 20s; LeBron, Mo, Andy and Amare. That would have been pretty nice. It also would give us our big man we are going to need next year. But now we have a 33 year old power forward who plays outside, more than likely no Shaq and possibly no Z. Even if Z returns, is the only 7’3” player who plays the majority of his game outside 18 feet. We don’t have any true big man on the roster for next year. But I’m getting a head of myself. Back to this year.
The biggest reason I’m not a huge fan of the trade, more so than interrupting chemistry, more than Mike Brown drawing names out of a hat to see who plays, more than question marks about next year, is now there is no excuse for not winning the NBA Championship. If we don’t make a trade, we could put the blame on Ferry for not making a move to get Jamison or Amare. Now we can’t do that. Everyone seems to think this one move will guarantee a championship. But what if it doesn’t? I’m dreading the day the season ends and I’m not ordering the SI collectable book, basketball, video and magazine while being blackout in Cleveland on the first commercial after the game ends. The season not ending in a ring would have been a disappointment without this move but now it will be a colossal failure. Can you imagine this series of events, Cavs losing in the NBA Finals, Z and Shaq not returning, LeBron signs with the Clippers along with D-Wade, Cavs going 38-42 next year, losing to the Bobcats in the first round of the playoffs, Clippers and LeBron winning a Championship in other part of LA? For all Cleveland’s sake, I hope G$ is right, Jamison = Championship.
With all that being said, I do like the move. We gave up nothing to get an All-Star who will make the team better. But there are still question marks with every move. I just hope I’m wrong on most of them.
I said this two days ago at TSP:
Do you think maybe that the Cavs could be using these Amare talks as leverage? I mean, Jamison is probably a better fit for this roster but the Wiz have been asking for too much. The problem is, the Wiz have nowhere else to send him and could get stuck paying him 28 million for the next two years on a sure-fire lottery team. I think that there could be some gamesmanship here. One of those, "we've got other options, assholes" scenarios to get Washington to come down on their asking price. What do you think?
It played out EXACTLY like that. I'm going to pat myself on the back for a great call on that.
What a fucking home run by Danny Ferry though. I've hated the guy for a long ass time but he turned spare parts into Shaq and Jamison over the past 6 months. That is some good stuff. I can't believe that he was able to do this without giving up JJ Hickson either. Holy shit, I'm still in shock.
C - Shaq and Z
PF - Jamison, Varejao, JJ, and Powe
SF - Our King
SG - Parker, Moon, and Hot Wad
PG - Mo, Delonte, and Boobie
This roster can not be stopped! Look at how deep this fucker is! I'm so excited that I'm about ready to piss myself. If there was any doubt that it would be the Lakers/Cavs come June, it's a guarantee now. The drought in NE Ohio ends this year, my friends. It's destiny for this Cavs team. Seal/Beanie/Rosenberg, where do you want to meet for the parade? Get your minds out of Cleveland and start thinking like a winner, dammit. That trophy is OURS.
Well, that was quick. With very few playmakers in the passing game, the Ravens have solved that problem...by adding a wide receiver who makes very few plays. Donte Stallworth is on his way to Baltimore!!! From what I gather, this is pretty much the beginning of the free agency period in the NFL. Although classifying Stallworth as "free" is a bit of a stretch. House arrest agent might make more sense.
But in all fairness, this move makes a lot of sense. The Ravens are an organization that loves giving second chances. Sure, this guy murdered a Mexican and served time for it but their captain is also a well-known killer himself! Who better than Ray Lewis to help Stallworth go from social pariah to self-righteous, Bible-hugging asshole? If Ozzie Newsome plays his cards right, he may be able to pry Leonard Little from the Rams, too.
It's as if Baltimore is trying to convert itself from worst city in America to hoping to become the next backdrop for Grand Theft Auto. The characters and slums are already in place. Time to capitalize on this!
Not that I needed to remind you anyway, but the Baltimore Ravens are a fucking disgrace and I don't know how anyone could root for them. I heard that they only went after Stallworth after learning that Rae Carruth was unavailable. They can't wait for Plax to get out and offered Troy Smith to the Eagles for Vick. I'd rather be a Redskins fan than root for a team full of hardcore criminals...or pretty much the exact opposite of Bengals fans.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Remember the 2008 Beijing Games? Man, that was surprisingly awesome. I expected very little but between Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, Misty May-Treanor, and the Redeem Team, that was some highly entertaining shit. And this is coming from a guy who absolutely loathes the Olympics. But that was clearly an abherration as the Vancouver Winter Olympics have been fucking awful.
It could be that this event is pre-empting a lot of my TV shows. Or because She$ enjoys it and insists on making me watch it. And a lot of it may have to do with my current well-documented hatred toward snow. Throw in a little bit of NBC tape delaying events from Canada for some reason, and this has just been insufferable for me. This fucking blows.
While I was sitting around trying to come up with some sort of post for today, this finally dawned on me. The Winter Olympics are horseshit. I figured, "why not make a list of reasons why I hate it"? It took me literally 4 seconds to come up with five things that send my blood pressure through the roof. Here's what I hate the most about these Vancouver Games.
1. Shaun White - There are many people in the world that I would like to punch in the face, and The Flying Tomato is right near the top. I hate this guy. LOOK AT ME, I'M AN AWKWARD FAGGOT! Why the fuck is snowboarding or whatever the hell this flamethrower does even an event in the Olympics? The X-Games were a month ago. I remember this because it's the only time of the year when ESPN unleashes that black announcer with the dreads (Sal something). Anyway, I like to think that I am one of the many Americans hoping that he becomes a quadraplegic during the next two weeks. How awesome would he be drinking out of a straw? Maybe someone would actually cut that shitty hair then. No one should be that proud of being a daywalker.
2. Bode Miller - Oh my God, this guy is an asshole. This douche is supposedly the most decorated skiier ever. He spent his whole life practicing for a shot at the Olympics. Yet four years ago he pissed it all away to get drunk in the Olympic Village. I'm supposed to root for this guy why? And now I'm supposed to be proud of him for his epic bronze medal "win". Oh, good job, Bode...you threw away everything you ever worked for for third place. And I would put out a guess that 99% of people named Bode in this world are just awful to be around. Other than Bode, Jason Lee's character in Mallrats, all the rest of them have to be just horrible.
3. Figure Skating - I know how to skate. I actually took ice skating in college to learn. It was awesome surprisingly. I hadn't done it in 6 years until a few weeks ago. It was fucking impossible and I thought that my feet were going to explode. So I do respect those that can do it well. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. I assume that all the guys are like Johnny Weir in which they shove gerbils in their assholes before competitions. As far as the ladies go, whatever. They will never be better looking than gymnasts. Is it Scott Hamilton that does commentary on skating? The way he overreacts to everything, I like to think he's beating off during the routines. Maybe his video is up on Dut's favorite website? I just can't get into this although I do respect anything with crooked judges. It's why I enjoy the NBA so much.
4. Skiing - Just in general, I hate skiers. Is there a more pretentious person than one who skis? I don't think so. Oh, look at me, I've got a lift ticket on my coat. I could have taken it off weeks ago but I want you to see where I've been and what I've done with myself. Hey buddy, why don't you get fucked. Skiing fucking sucks. It's hard. It's lame. And not nearly enough people die doing it. I tried it once, made it down the hill with all my bones intact, and drank 15 beers instead of going back up. I regret nothing. Drinking beer is better than any sort of difficult physical exertion. Sledding is much better. Skiing is just such an elitist activity and as a Joe Everyman, I am conditioned to be against these things. So there. I am throwing it down right now. If you go skiing, you aren't necessarily gay, but you are definitely a faggot.
5. Are these even sports? - I like curling, but how is this a sport? Or the luge, skeleton, bobsled, and other shit where the equipment is more important than the person using it. How do you even get good at the luge? I would think that if you are good at holding on to shit, you would be good at the luge. Maybe it's a sport because you can get killed. And as I said before, if you were a participant in the X-Games, you should be banned from the Olympics for life. Or you should be forced to run the luge. I hear you get extra points for hitting the steel wall.
Bonus! - Where is the skin? I'm sure that there is some decent snizz competing, but the fucking helmets, goggles, and covered skin are forcing me to keep my pants on. And I don't quite care for that.
I can't wait for these games to be over with so can forget that it ever happened. I will freely admit that when it comes to the Winter Olympics, I root for Canada. Fuck national pride. I don't need American athletes racking up medals to tell me that I'm better than everyone in Switzerland. I already know that. Most of our people are either fags or douchebags anyway. Plus, Oh Canada is the greatest song ever. The wife was impressed that I knew all the words to it. I have been singing it around the house all week though. The only sport that I will be watching is hockey and you better believe that I'm pulling for Ricky Nash's Canadian team. Because I'm an American, dammit, and in America we root for Canada. Every time I've been to Canada, I've had a great time. I can't say that about the USA.
In conclusion, one hundred bucks to the first person to deliver me Shaun White's scalp.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
So I get a text from Dustin telling me about this site called Chatroulette. Here is the exact conversation:
Dut: Do yourself a favor and go to chatroulette.com
Me: I just got a new virus software. I don't know if it can handle porn yet.
Dut: It's not porn...well sometimes it is.
(That last little part had me intrigued so I had to check it out.)
Me: What the fuck is this?
Dut: Do you have a web cam?
Me: No, I don't like to fellate young boys.
(And then it happens.)
Me: You ass hole. I just saw some queer jerking it on his webcam.
Dut: Yeah, that's a problem with this site. There's too much of that.
Me: You fucking think?
Dut: But some of the shit is hilarious.
Me: How is watching random people staring at their computers hilarious?
Dut: You'll see. How long did you stay on?
Me: Two minutes, that shit is creepy.
Dut: Yeah, something about that seems wrong. It's amazing how many gross fags whack off on that.
And that was the end of that conversation. Whatever you do, don't go to that site. That had absolutely nothing to do with online poker. Deal with it.
So I check my email after rinsing my eyes with bleach and what do I see, a reload bonus offer from my Poker site. I hadn't seriously played poker for about 4 months. But I do nothing all day so I figured "Hey, what the fuck" let's jump back in.
Now, I fancy myself to be a pretty good poker player when I find my groove and actually give a shit. I think I always suck on poker night because I would rather get boozed and tell dick jokes or talk about the Jersey Shore than concentrate on whether or not I should raise pre flop for the sixth consecutive hand. I definitely prefer to play live rather than online, mostly because it makes it socially acceptable for me to awkwardly stare at someone until they make a decision. Online is good enough, but there are just so many things I hate about it.
1. Foreigners. I know. People all across the world play poker, but I just hate losing a hand to Borat in Kazakhstan. Even worse is when two people chat in a language that just looks like they threw up all over the keyboard. It's like that scene in Rounders when Worm is at the table against the two Russians, "If you want to see the seventh card you are going to stop speaking fucking sputnik." Communist bastards, how the hell do they even deposit a Tenge?
2. Donkey. When did this word become popular in poker circles? I love when people call me a donkey because it always means that I just stole a hand from them, but the shit gets old. Just because you are a 56% percent favorite pre-flop doesn't mean you are going to win the hand. And when you lose, don't call the other guy a fucking donkey. Call him a stupid fucking piece of shit. Call him a cunt. But don't call him a fucking donkey. Grow up, Peter Pan.
3. Just Chips. When I play online I throw around cash like they really are just play icons on my computer screen. But they're not, they directly affect my bank account or lack thereof. Last summer I was staying at my parents place one night and was playing poker online. The blinds are $2/4$ and I've got almost $600 bones at the table(I was in my groove). My mom comes in the room and asks what I'm doing. I tell her I'm about to win $300 because some clown just pushed and I've got trips. Dude has a gut shot straight draw and a flush draw with one card to come...and of course, here comes his fucking straight. My stack goes from $600+ to $250 in one second. My mom asks what happened, I tell her I just got raped. When playing live, I have never sat at a table and started with more than $200, and I usually start with $100. Online I push stacks like it's going out of fucking style and then I exit the game and wonder what the fuck I am doing. Cash out ass hole and go back to the $10 sit n go.
4. Pot Odds. If somebody makes an asinine call at our poker night and sucks out, we can belittle them enough to make them wish they had never called and were never born. Online, you tell the clown that he is a fuck and all they say back is "Pot odds dude." Pot odds my dick. You don't know what pot odds are fucktard, you don't even know how many cards in the fucking deck. And then after I continue to berate them, I eventually realize everybody at the table has disabled my chat and all my glorious vitriol can only be seen by me. Tampon Dickshit!
5. Bad Beats. Bad beats suck so much more online. If you are sitting at an actual table and somebody goes runner-runner on you, you at least get the sympathy of the other players around you. Online, you are sitting their holding your dick all by yourself. Nobody feels your pain. Nobody tells you that you made the right move. You get kicked off the table and wonder why the poker gods decide to shit all over you. And no, there are not more bad beats online. Yes, if you play live for an hour compared to online, you are likely to see more bad beats online. But that is because more hands are played per minute, not because the poker site is corrupt and loves to reward fucktards. Take your lumps like a champ...pour yourself a shot and make your way over to Assparade.
So while you are all hard at work today, know that I'm sitting at home playing poker making more money than you(probably losing more than you make). Or I lost it all and am drowning my sorrows at Assparade...and you can go to Chatroulette if you want to see my show.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The best part about being a Redskins fan, other than reminding people that we used to be good, is that we are the offseason champions almost EVERY year! I get more excited for free agency than Stan Humphries at his Pro-Retard Golf Event. Obviously, the Skins are under new leadership and are not even close to being a playoff contender, but I am OK with it. I know that this team will be lucky to win 6 games next season regardless of what they do, but it's cool. I have faith in Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan and Kyle Shanahan and Jim Haslett. I have no faith in Dan Snyder taking a "hands off" approach to running the franchise, but whatever. He is what he is and he is an asshole. I have grown to accept this.
Before I get going with what I would do if I was running the show, let me first state that growing up, Dexter Manley was one of my favorite players. He was kind of a poor man's Lawrence Taylor. He played like a badass crazy man and also had a nice coke habit. Let's not forget that he was also illiterate. I remember reading in Dick Schaap's Bo Jackson bio "Bo Knows Bo", that Dexter once tried to strangle Bo at the bottom of a pile. Awesome. He was clearly fucking insane. This past week, Dexter finally got his Super Bowl ring back after selling it for drug money years ago. Hilarious. Just hilarious.
Back to the current, loser Redskins. This team is a mess. There are between 5-10 guys that should feel that their jobs are safe. Cooley, Fred Davis, Devin Thomas, Haynesworth, Orakpo, Fletcher, Hunter Smith...that's about it. Everyone else is replaceable. On our 53 man roster, 7 of them are foundation pieces. Notice that I didn't mention anyone on the OL or in the secondary. They are all terrible. LaRon Landry is OK but he is worse in coverage than Roy Williams. What to do:
1. Trade - And trade a lot. It's time to start building through the draft. I have a decade of proof that signing free agents or trading draft picks for old guys is an awful practice. There are some tradeable assets on the team, too. No, not for first rounders, but you could get some 2nds and 3rds for some of these guys. Would the Lions or Bears give up a second or early third for Santana Moss? Someone would, I would think. Jason Campbell, regardless of what you think of him, is the best QB on the market this offseason. He is restricted though. Someone (Buffalo) may give a 2 or 3 for him. Maybe. Carlos Rogers is worth a 2 as long as the team trading for him doesn't know that his hands are made out of stone.
2. Cut the dead weight - Antwaan Randle-El should have been cut two years ago. He is terrible. I would suggest trading him but no one in the league would want this guy. He contributes nothing. Same with Fred Smoot. He is terrible and needs to go. Stephon Heyer is by far the worst right tackle in NFL history. Ladell Betts, when he isn't hurt, blows. Do we still have James Thrash? It seems like someone who will be on the team for the next decade. Cut him even if he isn't still around. Reed Doughty plays hard but can't cover anyone. Phillip Daniels is probably the slowest DE in football.
3. Trade Clinton Portis - I used to love him, but I had to kill him...or whatever that GNR lyric is. I used to be the biggest Portis fan. I own his jersey and wear it with pride. Mr. Ace was supposed to wear it but he is a backstabbing bitch pussy. Portis, over the past 18 months, has refused to practice, was ineffective, called for his fullback to benched publicly, criticized the coaching staff, ran his mouth about Campbell not being a leader eventhough he was getting killed everytime he dropped back, and has gotten into verbal pissing matches with local media personalities like Lavar Arrington, Brian Mitchell, and John Riggins. I'm done with him. He has to go. He is a prima donna and rebuilding teams don't need guys like that. The Patriots have 6 of the first 90 picks or something like that. They have no running game at all. Would you give up two of those 6 for Portis? I think that that would make a lot of sense. And plus, the Skins would get rid of a cancer. I'm not worried about replacing him. Shanahan has a knack for bringing in nobodies and making them studs.
4. Build the O-Line - Sounds simple, right? The Redskins started 8 different players at right guard last year and their best O-lineman was a guy that they signed in week 10 who was cut by the Bengals the year before (Levi Jones). There is no one on this unit who still deserves to be a starter in the NFL. For as great as Peyton and Brees are, if they played behind Jason Campbell's line, they would have been terrible, too. If the Skins don't draft at least 4 offensive lineman, I will be pissed. Now that I mention this...
5. Don't draft a QB at #4 - Please don't do this. Not that you should look at what Phil Savage did, but he passed on an overrated QB from Notre Dame to take a stud left tackle and it worked out just fine. There are just so many fucking holes on this team. I'm afraid that if they take Bradford at 4, he's going to get destroyed. Why take a franchise QB if you can't protect him? That makes no sense to me. Now, the mocks that I'm seeing lately are cooling off on the Skins taking a QB so high which makes me happy. Do you know the last time that the Skins took an o-lineman in the first round? Ten years ago with Chris Samuels. That's a full Goddamn decade of ignoring the most important unit on a football team. Just awful. If for some reason Eric Berry is sitting there, TAKE HIM. Although it sounds like the Skins will be going after Donte Whitner in free agency. He played for anOSU AND the Bills so you know he's good!
Like I said, I've already accepted a terrible 2010 season. It is inevitable. Just please do not draft Jimmy Clausen. There is no possible way that I could ever root for that gay ostrich. If you do not take that pussy, I promise to donate money to Stan Humphries' Retards. After all, he was proud of being Bubby Brister's backup.
Are any of you like me? I grew up watching MJ and 'Nique freaking own NBA All-Star Saturday night. It was always outstanding television. Thus, I have always watched these events every year in hoping that some of the magic from the old days is brought back to the now. Ugh, it is apparently long gone and is not coming back any time soon.
Yes, I played the role of the good husband and took the wife out for dinner on Saturday night. But I made sure to DVR NBA All-Star Saturday Night before we left. I can't remember the last time that I missed the dunk contest. They haven't always been good, but I'm a sucker for a sick dunk. After Saturday night's shitfest, I might not watch again. That was fucking awful. Sir Charles, Reggie, and The Jet were ALL OVER those stiffs for not being entertaining and they deserved every fucking word of it. Reggie was even talking about going out there and throwing down better dunks and he's 70 years old now.
Shannon Brown just did an average alley-oop. Just because Kobe threw the pass (which would have been his first assist ever) does not make it entertaining or difficult. The dunks that Gerald Wallace through down were just garden variety real-game fast break slams. They were terrible. Although, Charles saying that Wallace was from Chitlins-ville, Alabama and Reggie asking if that was near Ham Hock, was hilarious. DeMar Derozan at least tried to be creative with his dunks and he had it won until his final dunk was stupid and unimaginative.
Then there was Nate Robinson. He really does suck. Did you know that he is the only 3 time winner of this event? 3 is a special number because that is the number of dunks he has all season. Would you even rank him as one of the twenty best dunkers ever? Fuck no.
I've never been more disappointed in this event in my life. But how do you make it better? First of all, they shouldn't get two minutes to throw one down. They should get two tries. That's it, if you can't do it in two attempts, you can't do it so go sit the fuck down. I guess there is some guy in the NBDL that can do a legit 720 dunk. GET THAT GUY IN THE LEAGUE SO HE CAN MAKE EVERYONE'S FACE MELT! Hell, he's got to be better than half the players on the Nets. It could have been worse, I guess. Pieces of the floor could have caved in like at the Daytona 500. What a fucking joke. They need to stop saying that that is their "Super Bowl". There were fucking potholes for shit's sake! It's just like if it rains. Everyone has to deal with...let those fucks drive through a hole in the asphalt. I want more dead drivers, dammit! That is a bigger joke than Nate Robinson being a three time dunk champion. Ridiculous.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
So St. Valentine's Day is here...Yes, I said SAINT Valentine's Day. Only hallmark could turn a Holiday based on a Christian Martyr, or four, into a day that makes men buy their significant others flowers, candies, gifts, and dinner. This is bullshit. The boycott officially begins now. I refuse to celebrate, is Valentine's Day really celebrated?, a holiday that is based on nothing but fallacies, Roman Catholicism...boy lovers, and fake prophets. Do we really need another Christmas just a couple months later? But the worst part about the whole thing is that only women get to benefit. Not only were we kind enough to let them vote, but we even gave them their own holiday. How the fuck did that happen? Well I say, you want equal rights? Buy me some god damn flowers. I'll take 'em.
Thanks a lot St. Ass hole, you set us up for failure. Saint Valentine wasn't a martyr, he was a traitor. He turned his back on his entire gender and now us men are stuck footing the bill for the rest of eternity...or December 21, 2012. Weren't their any Saints that stood for great things like booze, sports, and polygamy? I mean, somebody who was a combination of Joseph Smith, Walter Camp, and Adolphus Busch. That would be my kind of Saint. St. Patrick's Day is nice and all, but I kind of hate Irish people because of it. Saint SmithCampBusch, now that would be a true Saint. If there ever was such a man, I imagine his idea of a holiday would be quite wonderful.....
On the morning of SmithCampBusch day, your significant other would have to take you to Star Diner in the morning for some breakfast. She would be allowed to come inside, but she couldn't hold anything that you did inside in the building against you when you got out. That means any breast oogling, ass pinching, or general sexual harassment towards the waitresses would be fair play. Also, ordering O.J. is not allowed on SmithCampBusch day. It is either booze and coffee or beer with your breakfast... just the way Adolphus Busch would have liked it. The way it was meant to be. Of course, she picks up the tab. For lunch, Hooters. Sure, the wings suck, but the scenery is nice enough. Again, the same rules apply. Your significant other couldn't so much as eyeball you for knocking your silverware onto the floor and asking your waitress to bend over and pick it up right in front of you. And lets not forget about the football. Your significant other must wear a cheerleader uniform from your choice of team...I'm going with the Cowboys. And she must walk around like Vanna White when you request that the channel be changed... just the way Walter Camp would have like it.
For the nightcap, is there any doubt? Platinum Showgirls. I normally am not one that enjoys such places, I feel like a fucking sleazeball every time I am in such a joint, but it's a celebration bitches. So Mrs. Ace would have to drive me up to the Strip Club, obviously, I have been drinking since 10 am. Then, she has to pay my way in, this is my holiday dammit. And when I take my place right in front of the stage, Mrs. Ace has to find a seat right by the ATM to insure that I don't miss the chance to have titties rubbed in my face. And then at the end of the night, you get to pick three lovely ladies to come home with you...just the way Joseph Smith would have liked it.
Now that is a holiday that I can get behind. But I am afraid that fantasy will always be just that, a fantasy. So sorry fellas. Don't forget to make your way to the florist...and don't forget the lube. How can flowers possibly cost so much! And don't forget a card with a sweet poem on it...I hear 2 Live Crew has some great ones. So yeah, whatever. Happy Valentine's Day!
Friday, February 12, 2010
So word is leaking out that the Big Ten wants Texas to be Team #12 in what will still probably be referred to as the Big Ten. Makes sense. I mean, Texas most definitely is a midwestern state. The University of Cairo is geographically closer than fucking Austin. Let me make this easier for you all, Texas doesn't need the Big Ten. They don't care about the money. They don't want to make trips to Wisconsin in November. They barely recruit outside of their own borders anyway and that seems to be working just fine for them.
In fact, since I bug Jim Delaney's phone, I was able to transcribe the conversation that he had with Mack Brown about this potential expansion. As you will see, his sales pitch could use some work.
Mack Brown: [in Mexico, he answers the phone] Hello?
Jim Delaney: Mack Brown, this is Jim Delaney of the Big Ten. How would you like to play with us this season.
Mack Brown: What?
Jim Delaney: We would surely like to...
Mack Brown: [interrupting] Is that you, Tolbert? Look, I'm hung over, my knees are killing me, and if you're gonna pull this shit at least you can say you're from the SEC.
It ain't happ'nin'. Try again, Jim Delaney. Maybe you should set your sights a little lower next time. How about Florida? DeVry? Alabama? The Pennsylvania Culinary Institute? USC? Idiot. Quit wasting everyone's time with pointless rumors. Texas isn't going to go down a notch in competition and piss off their entire fan base just for a few extra bucks.
My apologies for the short post today but I figured it could at least give us some decent discussion today. And after Dut complimented me on my fine writing yesterday, I deserve a mail-in post. I had another big post planned but I didn't want to over-exert myself this week (it will probably come Monday instead and features a nice quip about retards!). Have a good weekend. Look for me at the Canucks/Blue Jackets game tonight. I will be the drunk guy who falls from the upper deck crushing 13-14 hockey fans with my sexy, Amber Bock-soaked girth.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
You know how people like to piss and moan about the BCS? Yeah, it's annoying. My favorite part about that discussion is when your idiot friend concocts his "can't-miss" playoff format that will make everyone happy. The only problem is that, as I stated, your friend is an idiot and no one will ever listen to him. Hell, you're only half paying attention just to be nice. "Oh, that 64 team playoff bracket of yours is a sure-fire winner! You better call up the NCAA right now so they can adopt it ASAP!" You fucking dolt.
Recently, this type of half-assed conjecture is based around the NFL's overtime system. Ever since Bretty-Boy wasn't afforded another possession in the NFC Championship, many pundits have called for the overtime policy to be changed. Did you ever notice that the only time when people bitch about this is when the Golden Boys of the league are effected negatively? Peter King's sausage fingers have only written about this twice: after Favre was on the sidelines this year and last year when Peyton lost to the Chargers. It's only when the guys that he likes are impacted that this is an issue. If there was only a one possession overtime during a meaningless Chiefs/Raiders game, there would be no outrage. Why? Because Peter King is a douche, that's why. Did you know that he likes coffee!!!
When I was a Senior in college, I lived with three guys in a duplex in what is referred to as "The Ghetto". It was a great place to live. I was close to Yager Stadium and Millett Hall. I was a block away from Johnny's Deli which featured an always ample supply of Miller High Life. Like all college off-campus housing, it was not the soundest of structures AKA the walls were painfully thin. My roommate that I shared a wall with tended to piss me off. Let's call him "Flakes". Flakes started dating this broad during the second semester and after awhile, she began staying over a couple of times during the week. No problem, she was cool and we all liked her. But when everyone retired for the night, a situation arose that would have even angered The Situation. You see, she had a tendency to be loud as fuck when being pounded by Flakes. These sessions would last until 4-5 AM. It was awful and, try as I might, I could never fall asleep. I could hear everything and believe me, it was not as cool as you think. Eventually, I calmly confronted Flakes about this asking that they keep it down a bit or at least wait until I fall asleep or something. Because once I'm out, I'm out. You could send in a marching band and I wouldn't wake up. He promised to try and that was that.
Nothing changed. The day that they broke up was the greatest day of my life. The point is, just because I didn't like it and it was negatively effecting my college experience, I couldn't really do anything. A 22 year old isn't going to stop porking an easy lay just because his roommate can't sleep. I understood that. I tried to make things better for myself, but it was futile. When you've got a good thing going, small gripes aren't going to change your practice. It's part of the college male code: fucking > sleeping.
So no matter what sort of crazy changes people come up with to fix the NFL's overtime rules, they don't give a fuck. And they shouldn't. I'm sure that Manning and Favre have won games on the first possession after the coin flip, so when the shoe is on the other foot, fuck 'em.
For the record, I like the NFL overtime rules. It absolutely does NOT come down to a coin flip. That line of thinking is short-sighted AND retarded. There is more to football than offense. STOP SOMEBODY. I've heard people say that they should adopt that college overtime. While I'm OK with how they do things, I like the idea of sudden death. That every play could be the final play is gripping. Make it that you have to get 6 points to win the game? Lame. Give both teams a possession and THEN make it sudden death? How about you all come out of the closet and then we'll play by these rules.
If you can't win a game in regulation, then why are you entitled to a possession in overtime exactly? I don't get this. The Vikings were fucking terrible offensively in that game so exactly how did they earn the right to bitch about the league rules again? If you don't want the game to be decided by a "coin flip" (eventhough it never is), then don't be a queer and settle for a tie. Win the fucker when you have control of the outcome. Go for fucking two!
I hate it when people bitch about things that they can't change. Whether it be sports or politics or how awful 24 is now, it's just annoying. Peter King does this shit all the time which is why he is one of the biggest assholes associated with the NFL. Can you imagine sharing a wall with that hump and listening to him get his fuck on all night? Good lord. It would be Favre this and Favre that and then he would finish into his cup of espresso. Gross.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Before I get going today with comparing myself to Peyton Manning, I need to say something. Now that I am a homeowner, the responsibility of dealing with landscaping issues and all that shit falls onto my shoulders. I'm fine with that. I actually enjoy mowing my yard because it makes me feel like an American. But I fucking HATE shoveling snow off of my driveway. I HATE IT. It's the worst part about owning property. I have had to do it three times in the past week (and we have a surprisingly long-ass driveway) and my back is fucking killing me. And from what I'm told, the snow is going to keep coming. I am going to snap. I can feel it. So pay attention to the news and know that if you see a story about a sexy beast cutting his throat with a snow shovel, THAT WAS ME!!!
If you think that I am done talking about winter, you are sorely mistaken.
Now, we all know that Peyton Manning has been taking some shots this week for failing to win the Super Bowl. Let's take a quick look at his career though. He came into the NFL playing for a really shitty team for the first few years. Then, he started to get some talent around him and they started winning. He was able to get the Colts into the playoffs but kept coming up short. One year, it all came together for him and he was able to get the monkey off of his back by winning the Super Bowl against an average Bears team. He kept up his solid play but reverted back to his old ways by disappointing in the postseason. And then Sunday happened and he went from best QB of all-time to top ten. I think that about covers it. So how does this relate to me.
I've had to look deep inside myself over the past few days. Things aren't going the way that I am used to. Something is changing. I am...a pussy.
When I got my driver's license thirteen years ago, I drove a badass, beat-up white service van. Like what a plumber would drive but I had two couches in the back that were not bolted down and only the driver's seat had a seatbelt. It was awesome. It didn't go fast but it taught me how to drive (Peyton's early years). After gaining some much needed road experience in a car that was surely going to kill someone at some point, I was able to upgrade to smaller, more efficient, more practical vehicles. By driving a tank early, I had developed skills with a regular car that allowed me to be a great driver. My favorite automobile ever was my 1991 Grand Am AKA "The G.A.". It was the best car ever built. This car was my Marvin Harrison...we were a perfect match (compare this to the early playoff years).
Eventually, I moved to Cleveland. If you've never lived in the Snow Belt (Cleveland to Buffalo), I would never recommend this just because of the weather. I lived in C-Town for two years and the first Winter brought a record 105 inches of snow. At the time, I was driving a Jetta. Yet I survived. I like to think it's partly because that everyone in NE Ohio knows how to fucking drive in the snow unlike the shitty drivers in Columbus. And those skills rubbed off on me. When you can safely pilot a Jetta through 105 inches of snow, this is like winning a 4 month long Super Bowl. It is the crowning achievement that a driver could possible have. Trust me, I could NEVER do that again.
Then I moved to Columbus. I upgraded vehicles. I continued to kick ass on the highways and byways. But things began to happen. For as great as I was, I kept having weird situations happen to me. Driving to my grandma's last year over the holidays, there was a fucking car part in the middle of my lane. I moved over to the berm, hit a patch of asshole snow, and went spinning about 50 yards off the road into a field. Nothing was wrong with my car, but it shook my confidence. After this year's national championship football game, I'm driving home from Dut and the Saul's, same thing happens. I hit a patch of snow in the left lane, do a 360, and end up in the far right lane. I may have even shit my pants a little. It was terrifying. And that is when the legend started to crumble. For all the great driving I did when the weather was nice, I couldn't rely on myself when it got tougher in the Winter (Peyton's recent repeated playoff failures).
And then came my Super Bowl moment. Friday, I had just finished shoveling so I had She$ drive me to get some ribs and wings. She is an awful driver. I tell her this constantly. But I was exhausted. The roads sucked still and here I was, actually yelling at her for driving too fast and following the car in front of us too closely. I was freaking out. In short, I am a pussy. You should see me drive now. If there is any snow on the ground, I'm sitting up in my seat like a grandma and have both hands on the wheel. It is embarrassing. But my confidence is shot. I don't trust the road anymore. I used to love driving but this time of year, I can't wait to get out of that fucking car.
Sure, I'm still one of the finest fair-weather drivers on the planet. I run a perfect offense. I can see moves in traffic better than anyone. I switch lanes like a fucking champion. And that's what makes me sad. When it gets cold out, I turn into everything that I hate on the road. I stay in the right lane only. I drive under the speed limit. I bleed from my vagina. Who cares if I can dominate for 9 months of the year? I want a full year of greatness like it used to be.
The sad thing is, I don't think this shitty snowy driving is going to change. Much like Peyton Manning, my best years are already behind me. It's a mental thing now. It's over for me and Peyton. Now we both just sit back, go through the motions, continue to fail, and wait for Marvin Harrison to kill us. It's the only way that we both want to go.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
ACE's TOP TEN
Number One in My Heart- Bruce "The Polish Punisher" Gradkowski. If he didn't tear both his MCL's then the Raiders would be the favorite to win the Super Bowl next year.
1. Drew Brees- No, this is not an overreaction to the Saints winning the Super Bowl. Brees is a baller. He's a gamer. Have you seen him lead the Saints pre-game chant? That's the kind of leader I want to go into battle with. He can make all the throws. He has excellent mobility. If he didn't have that shit stain on his face he probably would have won three Super Bowl's by now. The only hesitation I have with Brees is that a lot of his success could be due to the genius of Sean Payton...but I'm still rolling with Brees.
2. Tom Brady- He wasn't quite himself this year and he still put up 28 TD's and had a solid passer rating of 96.2. I don't know what passer rating is, but I know Ron Jaworski loves it, so it must be good. This guy won 3 Super Bowls while passing to guys like Troy Brown, Deion Branch, David Patton, David Givens, and Mike Vrabel. Brady can win however he needs to win. He doesn't have to throw the ball 40+ times a game, but he will. Brady is a winner, a guy I trust when the game is on the line. And most importantly, A Michigan Man...whatever the fuck that means.
3. Aaron Rodgers- This one is going to shock some people, but I'm serious. Aaron Rodgers is going to be great the next 5-7 years. I saw it coming this year(which is why he was my fantasy QB in both the JFL and the DFL) and I don't see it stopping. In his first two years as a starting QB he has 58 TD's to just 20 interceptions, that's almost a 3-1 ratio for you stupid fuckers. I'm jumping on the Aaron Rodgers band wagon early because this guy is going to be awesome. Unfortunately, McCarthy is going to have to get canned before Green Bay wins a Super Bowl so it may be a couple years for him.
4. Peyton Manning- Peyton Manning sucks in big games. Sure, he will win a few, but then he will rip your heart out just when you begin to trust him. Why the fuck was everybody announcing Peyton Manning as the greatest all-time last week? He's won one fucking Lombardi Trophy. He's 9-9 in the playoffs. He has a passer rating in the 80's in the post-season. Manning is one of the elite active Quarterbacks, but this guy has to win at least two more rings before the greatest ever talk can even begin.
5. Ben Roethlisberger- When Roethlisbum won his first SB it was sickening how many people were sucking his rape stick. He got carried by a great run game and a great defense, Trent fucking Dilfer can do that. But the way that they won last year was totally different. Big Ben got his ass kicked all season and still stood in there and made the big plays. The Steelers didn't have that same great running attack. I still need to see another great year from Ben before I put him in the upper echelon, but he could be on his way.
6. Philip Rivers- Fuck, I hate Philip Rivers. He's always whining, always talking shit, and always looking like a queer. That being said, he's a hell of a quarterback. If he wasn't way out in San Diego people might actually give a shit about him. He's a hot head, but what do you expect when you play under Marty Schottenheimer and Norv Turner your entire career. I bet he has started every California wildfire since 2004 and kills baby seals.
7. Matt Schaub- Look at this drunken, lazy eyed, retarded troll. This troll is a top ten quarterback in the NFL. Times are changing.
8. Donovan McNabb- Don't even get me fucking started. Please fucking christ, Andy Reid, trade this bum to Cleveland. I know all to well what this choke artist brings to the table.
9. Tony Romo- I almost feel bad for Romo. Bill Parcells pushed him into superstar status and he just isn't a superstar. He will always find a way to lose in the big moments.
10. Michael Vick- I think he has changed both on and off the field. From what I saw last year, I think he looks smoother when throwing the ball. He's not going to be wasting all his energy on strangling dogs. His herpes is likely under control no, so no more frustrating outbreaks. If Vick can get the opportunity, I think he will prove to be a Top Ten QB next year.
Name another quarterback that will play in the NFL next year that is better than Michael Vick. Yes, I am assuming Brett Favre will not be back next year because after that beat down the Saints gave him I think he is happy to walk away alive. He's not going to put his body through another season. If I did think he was coming back, he would have been #6 on my list for what its worth. The only other player I can think of that I would even consider taking over Vick is Vince Young. I don't know what it is, but Vince just wins. But he is a psychopath and I want to see him start an entire year without going all Steve McNair before I put him in the top ten.
Do you see how terrible the quarterbacks are in the NFL? If it is such a pass friendly league now, why do two-thirds of them still blow dick? Feel free to argue with me in the comments...at your own peril. Please do not bring up Peyton's ratarded brother, Carson Palmer's corpse, or Matty Ice's super symmetrical face.
Monday, February 08, 2010
I poured my heart and soul into the live blog (keep scrolling down) during the game but there are a few things that I want to hit on further. This was a pretty solid Super Bowl. And while nauseating, it did complete a great story. Now we don't have to hear about the Saints and Katrina again. It's over. So we've got that going for us. I've got 4 more thoughts on the game:
4. Get ready to vomit because Jeremy Shockey has TWO Super Bowl rings. This does not feel like it should be true. I hate him.
3. The kickers were surprisingly a big difference. Matt Stover attempting a 51 yard field goal was beyond stupid. But Garrett Hartley was a stone cold killer on his three long kicks. The Stover miss was demoralizing while the Hartley makes gave the Saints life when they were still trying to find their rhythm. He won't get a ton of press, but Hartley meant a TON to the Saints tonight.
2. Bold coaching moves will be rewarded more than vanilla. This is the same shit that has doomed Jim Tressel in past big games. When you run a basic and fundamental game plan, you will almost always lose. You have to creative. Sean Payton did a few crazy things in this game (on the goalline and the end around) but his creativity proved to be the difference. That onside kick was just a fucking sick call. If they don't get it, they lose by two scores. But they do and that was the turning point of the game. On the contrary, you know exactly what the Colts are going to do. They always end up becoming one dimensional by throwing the ball in the second half instead of feeding Addai. I thought that Payton straight up owned Caldwell. After the first quarter when New Orleans lost their jitters, the Colts had no answers.
1. Peyton Manning is not the best QB of all time. He's not even in the discussion. What is it with this guy and him coming up small in big games. He didn't play like himself which leads me to believe that it's something mental with him. If I had to pick one QB to win me the Super Bowl, Peyton would be about 5 on that list. Hell, even his bogus Super Bowl MVP from three years ago was a pretty shitty game for him. Please stop saying that he is one of the best. He is no Montana. No Elway. No Bradshaw. No Brady. No Roethlisberger (yeah, that's right). Ben ain't throwing no pick sixes in the Super Bowl in the 4th quarter. Don't get me wrong, I like Peyton. He seems like a good guy and all, but all of this "best ever" praise is nothing but bullshit. He has the same number of rings as Jeff Hostetler, Brett Favre, Trent Dilfer, and Brad Johnson. Think about that...those are the four worst Super Bowl winning QB's ever!
Ugh, fucking Drew won the picks contest here with a solid 10-4 run and nailing the MVP. His reward is nothing.
Ummmmm, that's about all I have to say. I've been working on my laptop for about 6 hours tonight and I think my thighs are on fire. Smells like rotisserie chicken. Time to put this fucker away. GEAUX SAINTS!!!
Sunday, February 07, 2010
It's 6 pm on Super Bowl Sunday. I'm fed, I'm sitting in my recliner, and I'm ready to live blog this bitch. We will probably be publishing new thoughts after every possession. Depends how hard this is since I've never done it before. LET'S GET IT ON!!!
6:02 - I am stuffed. I made a fucking kickass pizza that would make your dick quiver. Pepperoni, sausage, sauteed onions, and banana peppers. Amazing. My buffalo chicken dip wasn't bad either.
6:03 - Did the line close at Colts -4.5? Looks like Freeney is playing.
6:04 - HELLO FRIENDS!!! Man, I hate this announcing team. Phil Simms is so white that he makes me look like a cast member from Jersey Shore.
6:06 - I am trying to convince She$ that she made a deal with me that she would not talk during the game. She isn't buying it. My sales pitch was less than stellar though. I need to work on my lying.
6:07 - I can't be the only one who feels sorry for Luke Wilson.
6:09 - Good job by CBS fucking up the Saints intro video. We're off to a great start already...
6:11 - Well, they fucked up the Colts, too. This is ridiculous. DON'T FORGET TO WATCH UNDERCOVER BOSS TONIGHT!!! There is NO WAY that that show sucks!
6:13 - Can I bet on Steve Tasker getting a concussion?
6:17 - London Fletcher got hosed on the Walter Payton Award. Fuck you, Brian Waters.
6:19 - Insert your own "Queen Latifah should be playing in this game" joke. And she just TOTALLY butchered America The Beautiful. Thank you, Queen.
6:21 - Carrie Underwood looks like shit. I don't get her appeal at all. She is terrible. She$: She shouldn't wear white after Labor Day. G$: Especially when you fucked Tony Romo.
6:25 - Update on everyone's predictions from Friday: G$ (Saints 32-31), UU (Colts 34-31), Grumpy (Saints 35-28), Drew (Saints), Mr. Ace (Saints 37-24), Dut (Saints 42-28), Li'l Strut (Colts 34-27), Tony (Saints), Jeff (Colts), Damman (Colts), Hoffman (Saints).
6:26 - Pretty good McDonald's commercial with Bron, Howard, and Larry Bird. I could totally see Bird eating someone else's lunch when they weren't paying attention.
6:28 - I just boo'ed Emmitt Smith...feeling pretty good about myself.
6:30 - My wife is purposely trying to annoy me. Someone better call 911.
6:32 - I kind of like how CBS is introducing the starters. It's no NBC, but it's better than Fox.
6:34 - 3 and out...Meachem was open deep but The Mole is too juiced. Here comes Gomer...
6:36 - She$: Is that, like, Mount Union, Ohio?
6:37 - Dallas Carhartt is going to have a monster game.
6:41 - Saints are hitting pretty hard; force a field goal attempt. The Haitian Kid with a drop.
6:42 - Matt Stover becomes the first 60 year old to score in a Super Bowl. 3-0 Colts.
6:43 - Betty White AND Abe Vigoda! Snickers has already won the night.
6:46 - Jim McMahon and Ditka! The bar has been set high early tonight.
6:48 - Another Phil-osophy already? What did we do to deserve this?
6:49 - REGGIE! One touch, 16 yards. GET HIM THE BALL. Where is Bruce Jenner, dammit!!!
6:50 - Come on. Colston, you fuck! No wonder you went to Hofstra.
6:53 - Russell Crowe as Robin Hood? I'll pass. And how can NCIS be the #1 drama in America yet I don't know one person who watches it?
6:57 - It took him 19 games, but Addai is actually running hard!!! Early MVP candidate.
6:59 - Gregg Williams doesn't have a clue. He better hope they keep forcing three points.
7:01 - TOUCHDOWN!!! Manning to Kid Haiti...10-0 Colts. This is over. I'm calling it already.
7:03 - The Simpsons Coke commercial was strange. Why wasn't the vendor selling khlau kalash? Go Daddy sucks.
7:05 - Scott Green? But I wanted Jerome Boger!!!
7:06 - I am not buying Doritos out of spite. These ads are awful.
7:08 - End of the first quarter...I'm bored already.
7:13 - Awful late hit call on the Colts...WE WANT BOOGER!
7:17 - Freeney with a sack...impressive. Who wants to bet that Hartley misses this field goal?
7:18 - Damn, he drilled it. Colts 10-3
7:20 - Mark Sanchez wants to talk to you about women's heart issues...how sweet. Fuck you, Oprah and Dave, for being in a commercial with that sonofabitch, Leno.
7:21 - 2nd quarter and no Archie Manning sightings yet? Back-to-back "no pants" commercials? I'm down!
7:25 - Kid Haiti with an awful drop and just like that, the Colts have to punt. GEAUX SAINTS!!!
7:31 - Shockey with a catch. I hate that fucking guy.
7:32 - Lance Moore with a big catch. I'm sure Mr. Ace is pumped. He's so bad that the Colts didn't even cover him.
7:33 - End around? REALLY! Worst call of the night.
7:34 - Colston down inside the 5!!! COM'EER GIRL!!!
7:36 - Two minute warning. 3rd and goal from the 1. 4 down territory here, Saints.
7:38 - Papa John annoys me. I want to punch him in the face.
7:40 - MINI KISS!!! Well played, Dr. Pepper.
7:42 - Really? Running the ball with Pierre Thomas on 4th and more than 1. Sean Payton, you suck balls.
7:45 - Mike Hart sighting...of course he doesn't get the first down. Saints getting the ball back, need to get some points before half otherwise the under is looking amazing right now.
7:46 - Jim Nantz at a thong store? JIM NANTZ AT A THONG STORE!
7:50 - Garrett Hartley = MVP! Halftime 10-6 Colts. This has been shitty. I'll be back at the start of the third quarter. I need to go fuck my neighbor's son as a tribute to The Who.
8:15 - Now that was just fucking sad. Roger Daltrey can't even remotely sing anymore. And CBS making them sing the CSI songs was a joke. Whatever, it was better than Nickelback and U2.
8:16 - Why does CBS insist that all of their announcers have to wear a blzaer with a CBS Sports logo on it? Who do they think they are, The Friar's Club?
8:18 - Wiggy, Spieth telling our table stories about him being a father at your wedding was quite a listen. New guy was in the corner puking his guts out.
8:20 - Colts get the ball first...if they score a touchdown, it's over. Sean Payton will probably call for a fake field goal on this kickoff the way he's called this game.
8:21 - Lo and behold, an onside kick from the Saints. SAINTS BALL!!! That took some big fucking nuts right there. Damn. Those are the kind of great coaching decisions that you learn when you roam the sidelines in Oxford, Ohio.
8:23 - Phil Simms just shit his pants.
8:26 - Uh oh, Breesus looks locked in. By the way, before the game when they did the piece on Brees and his wife, my wife started crying. It was pathetic. I want a divorce.
8:28 - TOUCHDOWN!!! Breesus to Pierre on a screen!!! We've got a fucking game now. Saints up 13-10. Beat Indianapobese!!!
8:29 - Megan Fox taking a bubble bath...best commercial ever.
8:30 - Denny's can afford a Super Bowl commercial? Must have got some money from Denny Spieth or Big Ace. Is How I Met Your Mother the worst show on TV or does it just look like the worst show on TV?
8:33 - She$: Addai needs to get hurt.
8:35 - Wow, what a pass from Gomer to Carhartt.
8:38 - TOUCHDOWN Addai and he just won the MVP eventhough the trophy will be given to Gomer. Colts 17-13
8:39 - Wait a minute, a new "movie" with The Griswolds???
8:42 - Just called the wife a dirty slut because she hasn't finished the thank you cards yet. Yeah, I'm a dream husband.
8:46 - By the way, these QB's are just tearing it up. Both are playing extremely well. Remember three years ago, when Rex Grossman was in this game?
8:48 - Does Howard Mudd listen to Puddle of Mudd? Because if he does...
8:50 - Garrett Hartley = MVP...no doubt about it. Colts 17-16
8:50 - Ed Begley Jr.'s commercial is powered by his own sense of self-satisfaction!
8:53 - Bud Select 55 is the worst beer I've ever had. I would rather be fat.
8:56 - What quarter is it? FOUR FOUR FOUR!!! Pretty clean game so far with few penalties and no turnovers. I would say that these teams are equal.
9:01 - Did anyone see Tracy Port's hair earlier? He has SB 44 on his head. What an ass. He should have just picked off Gomer.
9:02 - 4th and 2 from the 46...I'm surprised Caldwell is going for this. FIRST DOWN to Wayne!
9:04 - Malcolm Jenkins sighting! He is actually alive, I guess.
9:06 - New frontrunner for most retarded coaching move of the night: Matt Stover from 51 yards and not even close. Should have punted.
9:08 - Still no Archie or Kardashian sightings? What the fuck, CBS?
9:10 - Every time that Reggie touches the ball, something good happens. Get him the fucking ball.
9:12 - 1st and goal for the Saints! Come on, boys!!!
9:13 - TOUCHDOWN SAINTS!!! Fuck, it was Shockey. Someone that I was talking to last week (Dut maybe?) wanted to bet on him to score a TD. He should have. Going for two...failure because Lance Moore can only catch AIDS. Saints lead 22-17 with 5:42 left
9:16 - I hate the Bud Clydesdales. They all need to go to the glue factory.
9:17 - Why the fuck is Payton challenging this? Lance Moore is awful. Wasting a timeout considering that you KNOW that the Colts are going to go down and get a TD here is not smart. WOW, they gave it to him. Scott Green must own an Iraqi grocery store in Detroit. Saints 24-17 and I'm still confused as to what just happened.
9:20 - A replay of former Redskins greats, Mark Brunell and Chase Daniel, getting all sorts of pumped. I like it. FIGHT FOR 'OL DC!!!
9:21 - I could picture myself choking that ugly punk broad from NCIS.
9:23 - Peyton just did his best Favre impression by launching the ball across the field...too bad it wasn't picked. AWWWWWW, fuck you, Malcolm Jenkins!!! Should have had that and ended this shit!
9:26 - 3rd and 5 for Indy from the 31...this has been a pretty good game actually.
9:29 - PICK SIX!!! TOUCHDOWN TRACY PORTER!!! THE SAINTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!! ZOMG!!!!!!1!!1!!! Saints 31-17!
9:31 - Nice call, Tony Dungy, on the Colts winning by three touchdowns. You are as shitty a predictor as you are a father.
9:32 - I'm going to write a quick post later on with closing thoughts on this game. Just an fyi. I've put more work in on this site tonight than I have the last three weeks combined.
9:33 - The E-Trade babies should have been aborted. Speaking of which, what happened to the Tebow commercial? Did I miss it?
9:36 - Oooooh, big pass to Collie and this might not be over yet. I mean, it is, but still. Speaking of Collie and his beliefs, I have been watching Big Love with the wife this season. What a terrible fucking show. Nothing ever happens!!! Two minute warning.
9:37 - Why are women stripping for Danica Patrick all over the place tonight?
9:40 - Nice spear by Anthony Hargrove! Goldberg would approve.
9:41 - Offensive pass interference? The Colts are self-destructing tonight. I love it.
9:42 - Simms is a retard. With 1:16 left, he said that the Colts will now have to kick it onside if they scored. NO SHIT, REDNECK!
9:43 - A run? YOU ARE LOSING BY TWO SCORES.
9:44 - INCOMPLETE AND THE SAINTS ARE THE SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS!!! Wow. Just wow.
9:46 - Two knees and New Orleans is the Super Bowl champion. This is awesome. I'll be back later with some final thoughts.