Friday, December 31, 2010

3 Is Apparently The Magic Number

Yep, Jordan knows what's at stake.
Hello and welcome to the final mail-in post of the year.  And today, with the G$FL Super Bowl upon us, let's talk about that and predict a winner of the most average fantasy football league of all time!  First of all, smack talk was waaaaaay up this year which was nice to see.  But what sucks is that it seems like the same people make the playoffs every season and that is strange.  -Rex, Reba, Black, Shags, the Duts, they always seem to be terrible.  I guess it isn't strange if you knew these folk.

So how did we get to this year's YOOOOOOGE matchup of Damman Vs. Randolph?  Well, Damman was the regular season champ and dispatched Mike Vick last week with easily his most complete week of the season.  Randolph knocked out his bitter rival, G$, with the help of Timothy Tebow and an assortment of Chiefs.  I still think that my team is better than both of these guys but whatever, I'm in the consolation for a reason (I'm too good!).

Here is what is interesting (to me at least).  The G$FL is in it's 8th year.  Randolph won the first two years and lost in the SB (TO ME!) in year three.  Damman is on a wild streak as he has made the SB the last FIVE years now and has brought the crown home the last two years.  Damman is going for a 3peat.  Randolph is going for #3.  You can cut the tension with a samurai sword!  Let's look at the rosters and pick a favorite (it won't be Damman because he talks too much shit about his "dominance").  And Uncle G$ hates that.

QB - Matt Schaub.  Good choice since Cassel could only play a half.
RB - Ray Rice and Rashad Jennings.  Rice is fucking terrible but Jennings was a saavy waiver wire pick-up this week although Trent Edwards will definitely slow him down.
WR - Greg Jennings, Kenny Britt, Johnny Knox.  He got hurt by Hakeem Nicks' toe.  I would probably start James Jones over Knox as I KNOW that the Packers are playing the whole game but then again, it's putting a lot of faith in the Pack passing game.
TE - Jacob Tamme.  Gates being hurt hurts and Tamme is showing more each week that he sucks.
FLEX - Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis.  I think that he changes this.  I would.  The Pats are playing for nothing.  Personally, I would use Ronnie Brown here and hope to Christ that he's facing the Pats back-ups come the second half.
Definitely a solid team when healthy but out of all of his runs the last 5 years, this team is the worst.

QB - Tim Tebow.  He could go with Cutler or Fitzpatrick but I like the Jesus start.  The Broncos are always losing so you get a lot of garbage touchdowns.  And it's always nice to have God on your side.
RB - Jamaal Charles, LaGarrette Blount.  I would roll the dice with Charles.  He's too good not to.  Blount has been a stud the second half and the Saints aren't really playing for anything since the Falcons aren't going to lose to Carolina.
WR - Dwayne Bowe, Larry Fitzgerald, TB Mike Williams.  This will change if Andre Johnson plays who neutralizes Damman's QB (HUGE difference maker).
TE - Tony Gonzalez.  They have to win.  The Panthers suck.  He'll probably score.
FLEX - Ryan Torain.  No team should ever start a Redskin.  Knowing what usually happens when the Skins and Giants play, Brandon Jacobs would be a better start in my opinion.  He has Forte and Moreno, too, but neither of those guys are very good plays this weekend. 
This fucker drafted and played the waiver wire PERFECTLY this season when it came to his backfield and receiving corps.

In the end, this is what I look at to decide the league:
Randolph has the better team by far but Damman has been there before.  If Tebow can play Schaub to even, Damman will probably not win.  Plus, Randolph knows Kevin Kurgis and has done business with him.  Damman does not know Kevin Kurgis although I bet KK would have been all over the case the time that Damman was drunkenly jaywalking and got hit by a car.

Randolph wins.  And in the voice of Kevin Kurgis, "no one gets paid if Damman wins".  Be safe out there, enjoy the bowl games, and I'll see you Monday with a weeklong preview of the Bowl.

Money Shot Bowl Mania: New Year's Edition

(Ya just got Dooley'd)

Happy New Years! I hope you all kiss a slut with herpes tonight.

Ticket City Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech(-9.5).
NW is without Pursa, but I still like their chances. Fitzgerald will have them ready to play. Tuberville was trying to be the coach at Miami after the regular season, not get prepared to coach a bowl. NW +9.5.

Outback Bowl: Florida(-7) vs. Penn State.
Florida will be too much. I don't trust any QB on Penn State's roster. Florida -7.

Capital One Bowl: Michigan State vs. Alabama(-10).
Bama -10 10000000%.

Gator Bowl: Michigan vs. Mississippi State(-5).
As the days have gone on I think it is becoming more and more likely that Dick Rod is out at Michigan and Jim Harbaugh is in. Too many signs are pointing that way and Dick Rod and his players know it. Despite all of the horrible play and scandals over the past 3 years, his players haven't quit on him. I think Michigan will show up ready to play and the offense won't be stopped. MSU will blitz like crazy but Michigan has had too much time to prepare for that and they will find big plays. Denard is healthy again. There is a 75% chance this is Rich Rodriguez' last game as Michigan head coach, he goes out on top. Michigan +5.

Update: Oh no, Tate is ineligible for the bowl due to grades. So much for this quote then:
"I was always the kid who was street smart but not that smart classroom-wise. You really have to try to flunk out here. All you have to do is go to class, it’s not that hard."
What a fucktard.

Rose Bowl: Wisconsin vs. TCU(-3).
Everybody seems to be on Wiscy. Their running game might just be too much for TCU to stand up against for 4 quarters. I'm not as sold as most people that Wiscy will win going away, but I have to take the points and the better team here. Wiscy +3.

Fiesta Bowl: UConn vs. Oklahoma(-17).
Bob Stoops is still Bob Stoops. I don't think UConn will win but I will take the points knowing that Edsall can out coach Stoops. UConn +17.

Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Stanford(-3.5).
A lot of uncertainty around Stanford with the possibility of Harbaugh and Luck leaving. But VT hasn't played a team like Stanford all year and I think Harbaugh wants to win for Stanford regardless of where he is next year. Stanford -3.5.

Sugar Bowl: an Ohio State University(-3.5) vs. Arkansas.
I can't imagine a circumstance where I could possibly root for the Fuckeyes in this one. The NCAA is a joke and the Fuckeye Five have no business playing in this game. The five have signed a paper(?) saying they will all come back next years. Which means they are a lock to go pro and aren't even thinking about this game. Arkansas +3.5.

Turns out the Fuckeye five had to sign a paper saying they were coming back next year or Tress wouldn't let them participate in the Sugar Bowl. I assume this "contract" was written on a piece of shit paper that TP will wipe his ass with after the Bowl game. You're better than that, Tress. Okay, you're not, but everybody thinks you are.

We've got a Leaderboard!!!
G$ 10
Mrs. ACE 9
UU 4

This list did not take into account last nights game between Nebraska/Washington, but everybody but Jeff took Nebraska so you can figure it out. Leave your picks in the comments.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The 2010 Money Shot Man Of The Year

The end of the year is nigh so we must reflect on 2010 and figure out who was truly the greatest man of the year.  It took me awhile to shrink the talent pool down to five finalists, but I am confident that we have the right men and we will honor them like the titans that they are.  No more setup, let's get to the nominees:

Pauly D - I personally thought that Vinny outshined Pauly in season 2 of Jersey Shore, but I could see how others would differ.  But when you realize that both seasons were broadcasted in 2010, you have to look at the entire body of work.  Pauly wins.  And I read the other day that he is getting his own spin-off show called "Pauly's World"...outstanding.  I'm going to watch the shit out of that.  And I still hope that Sammi shits her pants to death.

Phillies Fans - Some would look down on them for their bad behavior and douchebaggery, but not here.  Running out on the field and getting tased?  Yes please.  Making yourself vomit on someone else?  As long as it isn't me, that's pimp shit.  How bad must Yankees fans be if Cliff Lee's wife is willing to go to Phillies games for four or five years with these animals?  Makes you think...

Jim Schwartz - I've been saying it all year, but I love this guy.  No one gets pissed off better.  That is why I will be sending daily letter bombs to the HBO offices to ensure that the Lions are next year's team for Hard Knocks.  I want more Schwartz.  I need more Schwartz.  How does he react when someone messes up his lunch order?  I bet he throws shit across the room.  And to think, the Redskins were thinking about hiring him before the Zorn fiasco.  Fuck.

Brian Wilson - Pretty much the perfect year for The Machine.  World Series champion.  Became an American hero.  Owner of a sick beard.  I don't think that any team should be able to win a title without a compelling character that America likes.  The Saints had Brees.  The Lakers had Adam Morrison.  The Yankees have A-Rod.  All of our favorites!  And this is why the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl this season...because we all love Danny Woodhead.


Arthur Moats and Corey Wootton - This may be the only award that a Bill or Bear ever wins.  But they must be recognized for ending Brett Favre's drama this season with badass hits that turned them from nobodies into icons overnight.  Those were hits against sexual harrassment!  Against holding organizations hostage!  Against fake retirement press conferences!  Against infidelity!  Against backbreaking, season-ending interceptions!  These two are sending this old fucking goat home for good.  And that makes me happy.

Congratulations, Arthur and Corey, on your well-deserved award.  We'll be back tomorrow for our last post of the year...a preview of the G$FL Super Bowl or as everyone likes to call it, "Please, don't let Damman win again"!

Commenter Crisis - AVERTED!

You're boning the wrong Seal, Heidi!
I eluded to this yesterday and Seal seems to not care if it gets posted, so I'm going to do it anyway.  Here is our email chain from Monday:

Seal:  hey dude - what is Ace's real name?
G$:  (I gave it to him)

Seal:  ok - thank god its not him. To make a long story short, i randomly slept with this girl from toledo, to find out she is MARRIED to a dude she calls Ace on facebook who went to toledo. Was just making sure it wasnt him - would have been terrible. Stupid whores.
G$:  Jesus Christ! Yeah, I'm glad that this was just a coincidence.  And his wife does not call him that would have been awkward as shit.

Seal:  Yes it would have been terrible - things were just adding up to it being him. Recent wedding, fans of same teams. Both UT grads. Both have buddies in Columbus. Oh well - just glad its not him. Haha - have a good new year man!
G$:  Just to set my mind at ease, what was her name and did she have (nice mammary glands)? If the answer to the second one is no, I will sleep easier tonight.
Seal:  Ha! No she had B tits and her name is Bailey.
G$:  Whew, good, then we're done here.
So that was that.  Congrats to Seal on getting laid.  And we learned three things here:
1. Never marry a chick named "Bailey".
2. If you go by Ace and you have led a life with some similarities to our Mr. Ace, dude, your wife is cheating on you.
3. Seal would get along really well with Rex Grossman.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Post This Great Needs No Title

The Fuckeyes situation has already been discussed at length here so I'm not going to waste your time with that. But let's all point and laugh one more time.

I really thought I could find a funny GIF somewhere for pointing and laughing. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Before we get started with the bowl picks, I want to take this time to thank commenter Drew. Several months ago G Money had a post talking about food. He went somewhere to get wings and he said they were excellent. In the comments, Drew chimed in and said that Barley's had some great wings as well as other BBQ. Holy fucking food coma, those wings are spectacular. I had an insta-BBQ-boner when I laid eyes on them. Its hard to describe their greatness. Imagine the best wings you've ever had, then imagine them slow cooked over an open pit BBQ, and then imagine crack rocks sprinkled over top of them. Barley's has the greatest wings ever ever, nobody can debate that. So thank you, Drew, for steering my fat ass that way. The Christmas Ale was fantastic as well.

Onto the games.
Military Bowl: East Carolina vs. Maryland(-7.5).
Maryland made quite the turnaround this year. Danny O'Brien was torching fools. Friedgen was pounding donuts and lard smoothies. But 8 wins wasn't enough to keep the big man around. ECU will chuck it around quite a bit, but I think the Terps will pull through in Friedgen's last game. Terps -7.5.

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor(-1).
Baylor is back to a bowl game for the first time in 16 years. Baylor will put up a lot of points. Illinois won't be able to keep up. Baylor -1.

Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma State(-5.5) vs. Arizona.
Oklahoma State is too explosive for Arizona to keep up. Weeden, Hunter, and Blackmon put on a show. OSU -5.5.

Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU(-7).
Craig James is a megafuck. Army +7.

Pinstripe Bowl...WTF?: Kansas State vs. Syracuse(Pick).
Syracuse's defense is nasty, but their offense is terrible. And last night WVU showed us why you never bet on the Big East. KSU.

Music City Bowl: UNC(-1) vs. Tennessee.
I don't know what it is, but I just feel like UNC is going to PWN. I think Tennessee is only a one point dog solely based on their ess eee see status. UNC -1.

Holiday Bowl: Nebraska(-14) vs. Washington.
This is just a ruhtarded match up. I've already seen this movie, I know how it ends. Nebraska 56-21.

Meineke Car Care Bowl: South Florida vs. Clemson(-5.5).
Why the fuck does Meineke get their own bowl? What happens if Meineke folds and some shit company like Roto Rooter buys the bowl rights? At least they would have a perfect stadium to host it...
That thing just screams "I'm clogged with shit." Clemson -5.5 because I refuse to pick the Big East.

Sun Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Miami(-2.5).
Notre Dame just has too much bad shit going on around the program to win this game. Convicts -2.5.

Liberty Bowl: Georgia(-6.5) vs. Central Florida.
I don't know if UGA will care. In the two games UCF did play against BCS competition--NC State and KSU-- they only lost by 11 points combined. UCF may not win, but they will keep it tight. UCF +6.5.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: South Carolina(-3) vs. Florida State.
This is a tough one. I don't trust either team. Statistically they are about equal. I guess I will take the points and hope. FSU +3. Bonus. Chick-fil-A put out a music video for the bowl:

That's it for today. I will have another post up on Thursday night/Friday morning with the rest of the weeks games. I promised you a leader board but that will wait til Friday because my gotdamn computer is still with the Geek Squad and I have all the picks in a spreadsheet on the computer. I just typed nearly this entire post on my Blackberry because I am fucking dedicated...and still hungover as shit and don't feel like actually doing work at work. Just shaping America's youth one neglected child at a time. As always, leave your picks in the comments.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Post-Christmas Rants and Raves...Mostly Rants

Just call him Mr. Christmas.
Unfortunately, the whole Festivus thing and an Airing of Grievances has sort of run it's course in pop culture.  And that's really a shame because that was a brilliant episode but dumbasses have been overusing those terms and phrases for too long.  Fortunately for you, I have quite a few rants to get off my muscular pecs.  These could all get separate posts themselves but together they form one amazing collage of anger and frustration with just a hint of sweetness and great uncledom.  What can I say, there is a first time for everything.  Let's do this bulletpoint-style remembering the entire time that I don't particularly care for Christmas anymore.

*I work with an asshole - Years ago, I took it upon myself to spread the holiday cheer in my office.  Basically, I wanted to give my co-workers something shitty so that they would be forced to get me something, too.  It used to be candy and cookies going both ways which was great.  Free food is the best food.  This year, the homely woman in the office made everyone a loaf of tasty pumpkin bread.  I came in the next day with just $5 Subway cards.  Nothing much but I'll "buy" you lunch some day.  Everyone else gave gift cards as well...except the new guy.  He accepted all of those gifts and gave nothing back.  Who fucking does this?  I wanted to believe that he wasn't go to stiff us but there he was on 12/23 over his lunch break, sleeping in his car.  ASSHOLE.  FUCK YOU IN THE DICKHOLE, JERK.  That guy is dead to me.  I buy you a five dollar footlong and you give me nothing?  Eat shit.

*Christmas movies are still terrible - Last year I was blessed to watch Santa Clause 3.  It was as awful as you would think.  But compared to the two rotten "films" that I saw this weekend, it should have won an Oscar.  We finally brought my in-laws to the 21st century and got them cable this year for Christmas.  They watch terrible networks though.  I didn't even know that The Hallmark Channel existed until Friday.  Anyway, avoid at all costs watching "Eloise at Christmasttime" and "Moonlight and Mistletoe".  You want to know about them?  Sure!  Eloise is a 6 year old bitch who for some reason lives at The Plaza in New York and gets in all sorts of mischief.  Her British nanny lets her run around the hotel at all hours of the day and she broke up someone's wedding.  Needless to say, there is a happy ending.  Eloise is a cunt. M and M featured the supreme acting talents of Candace Cameron and the great Tom Arnold!  Tom Arnold is a crazy man who built this place called Santaville that, go figure, is going under.  Some bad guys buy it up off of him because Tom Arnold is a moron and eventually they get it back because, coincidentally, Candace Cameron is a lawyer.  Tom Arnold is a terrible actor but lo and behold, there was a happy ending.  I should have just went to bed over watching this shit.

*Where the fuck is football? - Speaking of avoiding shitty movies like the plague, where was the NFL during all of this?  Since when did they avoid putting games on Saturdays/Christmas?  Why are they giving into the NBA?  Christmas could totally be an NFL holiday just like Thanksgiving.  Why not scrap all of the fucking gay Thursday night games where you can see that no one wants to be out there, throw them on Saturday afternoons once college football season is over, and watch the ratings go through the roof.  I guarantee that if the Panthers and Steelers played at 4 pm on Christmas, it DESTROYS the Heat/Lakers game.  PUT FUCKING FOOTBALL ON THE TV ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

*Dog vs. Kids - OK, I get that little kids are irresponsible and rarely pay attention.  But you also need to realize that my dog is always looking for something to eat.  It happened at least five times on Christmas where my pup would eat food that the kids left on the floor and twice he bit them because they weren't paying attention and he grabbed it from their hands.  They cried.  But how can I get mad here?  I didn't.  In my mind, the dog did nothing wrong.  If you want to eat a dinner roll, EAT IT.  Don't take six laps around the house with it when you are three feet tall.  Am I blaming my little nieces and nephews?  It appears that I am.

*I made up for it though - My oldest nephew is 9 and he is starting to get into baseball card collecting.  Fortunately for him, his weird uncle has at least a few million of these things and used to know a thing or two about cards.  We got him a box of Upper Deck cards and the two of us spent about 30 minutes going through them.  That was cool.  They should make a movie out of that moment with Tom Arnold playing me.  He got all excited every time that he saw a rookie card even though I had never heard of any of these guys while I kept telling him that he should hold onto the CC and A-Rod and Chase Utley's.  It's a long process.  I'm just glad that I finally have something in common with those 4 other than Star Wars.  I mean, I can't respect anyone regardless of age who prefers the newer trilogy over the vastly superior Mark Hamill/sexy Leia movies.  Baseball cards might turn me into the cool uncle yet!

*Then again, this is how they see me - Little kids are fucking weird just because they don't care.  Take my 2 year old niece who decided to change her shirt in the middle of the living room while we were opening presents.  My five year old nephew with ZERO filter screams to the rest of house, "UNCLE GMONEY, YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO LOOK!"  Great, I must wear a sign that reads "Kid Fucker".  How humiliating!  Do I look like a pedophile?  I don't think so.  You'll have to trust me on this, but I am not attracted to two year old girls.  I promise!  And this is exactly why I won't hug any of them.  I am so scared out of my fucking mind that someone is going to falsely brand me as a deviant that I will avoid contact with them at all cost.  Can I sit on your lap?  No you may not.  You want to give me a hug before I leave?  A handshake is the best I will give...even for the girls.  Dammit.  Most people are at ease around family.  I am the exact opposite.

So...can anyone else beat getting called a predator on Christmas?  Drew went to Canada again, how did that go?  Whatever, I'm just pumped that I get to rip the fucking tree and decorations down this week.

Monday, December 27, 2010

We're Still Pointing and Laughing Right? Good.

2008 Big Ten Champion!
Due to the holidays, travel, and the goddamn shittiness of my now ousted G$FL team, I didn't pay attention to the NFL product nearly as much as usual this weekend.  I know that the Redskins won somehow.  I know that my uncle gave me an authentic Donovan McNabb Redskins jersey yesterday.  I told him quite clearly that I would not be thanking him.  So what can I talk about today...there has to be something in the news...I mean, Christmas sort of kills the news cycle but SOMETHING has to be there to discuss.  Wait, I've got it!  How about the new look Magic ending the Celtics winning streak!  Ummmm no.

Let's talk Ohio State football.

First of all, you are a goddamn fool if you believe that weirdo rumor circulating that JT is stepping down following the bowl game.  It's shit like that that makes great bloggers like myself look bad.

OK, so the beans have officially been spilled that five fuckers on the Ohio State football team did some stupid shit, they were punished in a weird way that no one understands, and now they will likely go unpunished and leave the good kids to fall on the sword.  We know this.  Now let's break it down.

So, from what we have been told, Terrelle Pryor, Herron, Drops Posey, Mike Adams, and some other guy hit the Oregon Trail and bartered their goods and services to a local affluent businessman in return for furs and gold dubloons.  To take it away from fronteir times, they sold what they assumed was their shit to some weasel scumbag for money and tattoos.  The Feds come down on the tattoo parlor, find their shit, and notify the NCAA who lowers the boom.  Did I get the gist of it?  I think so.  Apparently it ISN'T OK to use a criminal like an ATM...who knew!

Now, whether you believe that they should be able to sell this stuff or not, the fact remains that they can't.  And the NCAA tells everyone this.  And Ohio State's compliance office is fucking MASSIVE.  When it comes down to it, you know good fucking well that you can make a cent off of your name while you play collegiate sport.  Everyone knows this.  If the Fucko Five had ANY question about if selling their rings and pins was wrong, all they had to do was pick up the phone to double check.  But they didn't.  Because they knew it was wrong and they were trying to make a quick buck.  You can't debate this at all.  YOU CAN'T SELL YOURSELF OR YOUR NAME and there is no gray area there.

Let's talk about the press conference.  I thought that Tressel came off OK as a guy who sort of knew that something like this was coming and he just wanted the ax to finally fall instead of it dangling over the program for over a year.  I sensed a bit of relief.  Gene Smith, on the otherhand, I lost a ton of respect for.  Really?  You are going to play the economy card?  Hard times?  That's bullshit.  Who wants to bet that not even a nickel that the Fucko Five made off of their heist was given to their families?  Hell, one of the kids is from Dublin!  The poorest family in that city makes a billion per year!  I can live with "kids making a mistake" as the reasoning for this and the willingness to accept the punishment, but don't you dare try to say that these guys were just trying to help their homeless families out.  Because that is a lie...and everyone but the completely retarded Demetrius Stanley (who has made a living out of loud suits and zero expertise) knows it.

My dad told me that he heard Spielman go off about this, too, saying that if they wanted to help their families out, maybe they should sell one of those diamond earrings that they have.  BURN!  And Herbie DESTROYED the Fucko Five as well.  If the two most prominent Buckeyes in the media are killing you for being in the wrong, you know that you are wrong.  Hey, Terrelle, you want to get into a Twitter battle with Herbie about "being a true Buckeye"?  Don't sell your shit then, you dumb faggot.

And how about that punishment?  Five games seems fair to me but why are they playing in the Sugar Bowl?  That makes no sense.  Especially when these guys could turn pro anyway!  The fifth round of the 2011 draft will be LOADED with Buckeyes!  Please, do not be stupid.  This has nothing to do with Cam Newton or AJ Green or Reggie Bush.  Don't fall into the trap of the moron and start making excuses for these guys.  If you need cash, ABSOLUTELY NEED IT, you should go to a pawn shop or give those rings to your family to sell or sell your brand new car TP (true story!).  You don't use a sketchy tatted-up fucker as an ATM.  AJ Green got 4 games off for selling his autograph.  These guys get five for selling their awards that make the achievement accomplished look like a joke.  They have earned every minute for why they must sit.  Here is why you shouldn't support them.

As fans, the only thing that we ask is that the players act like they care about the games as much as we do.  That means not laughing off losses and enjoying conference titles and generally showing that you care about your teammates.  Just show us that you care and that all the time that we spend watching you and talking about you means something.  That's it.  Winning the conference and beating your rival year after year is great and all, but when you sell the ring and the gold pants for some cash and ink, that isn't right.  That should tell you that the Fucko Five don't care.  Sure, beating Michigan is cool and all, but the reward which millions of fans would kill for means shit to them.  And that should HURT.  I don't want to turn this into another "rivalry" argument, but let's face it, the best player on the field for the last three years pretty much just shit all over the game.  That sucks.  That isn't right.

I don't expect anything to happen from the appeal.  Ohio State isn't going to suspend them eventhough they should and then hope that the NCAA reduces it to 2-3 games next season.  The program looks bad from this.  Gene Smith looks terrible.  Terrelle Pryor achieved his destiny by fucking over the only remaining people on the planet who still cheered for him and thought that he was good.  He killed his reputation.  And I love it.  Because this kid has always been a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit.  And now all of you homers can admit it.

My imaginary buddy, Louisiana Leroy, says, "did you notice that none of these guys were white"?

So here is what I want to see from all this besides none of these five guys making any NFL them.  If you are going to the Sugar Bowl (which I believe that Dut is), BOO THEM.  Don't cheer for them even if they do make plays.  Don't do it.  Why?  They just CRUSHED your 2011 season (although I don't necessarily believe that).  Don't let them play their last game with your support.  Let them know that you fucking LOATHE them for being so selfish and placing themselves above the team (which they did).  I have zero respect for Ohio State fans but I still want them to show me something great on 1/4.  A chorus of boos when the Buckeye offense takes the field would give me a massive hard-on.

Don't reward these selfish assholes.  These guys are not Buckeyes anymore.  They are professional free agents at this point.  And they did it to themselves.  Yet it's YOU GUYS that are holding the bag of used needles.

Needless to say, it is a GREAT day to be an Ohio State football hater.  Fuck you all, your program should get the death penalty!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lube Up The Chimney Because St. Prick Is Back

It's better late than never I suppose but it's time for this site to give out gifts to it's faithful commenters once again. Notice that I said commenters. Two years ago, we were blessed by the presence of "Santa Blogs".  Last year, he couldn't make it so he sent his evil twin, St. Prick, instead. He was not as gracious.  And since you are all terrible still, St. Prick is back with more "gifts".

If you weren't included in the giveaway, feel free to poop in your hand and consider that your present. I'm putting this together hastily and I don't have the time (or desire) to determine which commenters get a "present" from St. Prick this year. On to the gifts:
The Wig Master - You get a spot on the next season of "Rock of Love".  Your love for hair metal and bald dudes in bandanas are your two most-endearing features.

Naptown Wolverine - Since you are going prematurely gray up top, I would guess (and shudder at the thought) that it's like that everywhere.  "Just For Men:  Pubes" will be left under the tree come Saturday morning.

Damman - I am releasing you from your commitment to the Cleveland Indians franchise.  This is a blessing and maybe the best gift that I could give anyone.  Join the winning team.  Become a Yankees fan.  Look at yourself in the mirror...and then kiss your reflection like you are A-Bomb.

Hoffman/Lange - Just giving you the heads up that Crazy Joey Votto is on borrowed time in the land of Skyline.  Enjoy him now because he's already got a foot out the door on his way to the Dodgers/Cubs/Blue Jays.

Grumpy - You said awhile ago that you would have no problem if your daughter dated Big Ben.  Well, I'm calling your bluff.  I have scheduled three dates for the two of them.  You have to provide your own -ahem-
"kits" though.  And don't count on getting any help from the authorities either.
Tony B - I have absolutely no desire to "get it started" during the Super Bowl halftime show this year so I'm allowing you to take the place of Fergie and her band of un-whites.  But you have to incorporate Lovie Smith into all of your songs though.

MUDawg - You've said in the past that you were a Falcons season ticketholder and that you despise all of the black people down there who defended Vick.  Here's your day in the sun.  The Falcons beat Vick to go the Super Bowl.  So let it be done.  Take a rapestand on your way out of the Georgia Dome if you want.

Drew - A blow-up Terrelle Pryor sex doll that you can defend at all costs even when everyone is right to say that it isn't living up to sexpectations.  Also, a ten second DVD of The Best of Kyle Orton.

Li'l Strut - A couple of gerbils.  You'll know what to do.  If not, just ask your mother...ZING!  Uh Jesus Chriiiiiiist.  "Move onward, Lemmewinks, or you will soon be dead!"

Jeff - Since you coach a summer baseball team and I umpire summer baseball games, you will receive the best gift of all.  If and when our paths cross on the diamond, I will throw you out of the game for absolutely no reason at all.  It will be glorious...because it's been awhile since I've tossed anyone.

Seal - You are going to get punished, bitch.  I can't think of anything worse than Cavs season tickets and a Corperryale Ladorable Harris jersey.  Also, Austin Carr will narrate your life for a week (just to make things easier on you).

Dut - I wanted to get you something special, ya little weasel.  First, I have ethnically cleansed all of the whiny bitches from the DFL.  Second, you get a time machine.  Third, you use that time machine to go back to when you were a baby and then give yourself SIDS.  Jesus, that was a bit crude...even for me.

The Iceman - You live in BG already so how can things get worse?  How about if I made you wear one of Tate Forcier's bench-worn skullies while he skullfucks your brains out?  Works for me.  And this gives me another chance to link "May The Forcier Be With You".  That post should have shit smeared all over it.

Mr. Ace - We miss you around here, toolboy.  You need to make more of a conscious effort to converse with us daily.  As a means to get you around more, I offer you this.  Clearly, Porn Day revealed one of your true passions...tits.  So I bought a shovel and crowbar from my local hardware store and dug up Anna Nicole Smith.  She's all tits and bones at this point but she's laying on your couch nonetheless.  Have fun with those!  Good luck explaining that to the missus.

What about GMoney, you wonder?  Well, I asked for this last year (and what a prick he ended up being):

As for me, I only want one thing and the sad thing is that I don't have a clue if I'm going to get it. But I won't know if I get it until July. I just want (name redacted) to stay in Cleveland. That's it.

What a fucking asshole!  Not only did St. Prick shit all over me, he shit all over me a million times by not giving me what I wanted in the most embarrassing way possible.  So you owe me, fucker, and I will get what is mine this year.

I want Anne Hathaway.  Oh my God, do I love Anne Hathaway (eventhough I have yet to see any of her likely awful movies).  I tell She$ at least once a week that I would leave her in a second if Anne Hathaway came a-knockin'.  And I mean it.  And it's a great conversation.  Don't worry though, the missus asked for Josh Duhamel this year.  I told her that she would have better odds with James Caan but whatever. 

Have a good Christmas everyone and I'll be back on Monday.  Be careful out there.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Money Shot Bowl Mania: Week 2

(Lets just say I have some inside information)

Lets just get on with it.
Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Boise St.(-16.5).
Boise St. averages 11 more ppg than Utah and gives up 6 less ppg. That is 17 points. Enough to beat the spread. I believe Chris Petersen can get them ready to play. Utah doesn't give a shit about this game, they are moving on to the PAC 10 next year either way. Boise -16.5.

Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. SDSU(-3.5).
I think Navy is better. Apparently Brady Hoke is waiting on the Michigan job--supposedly he didn't even accept an interview for the Pitt job because of this--so I find it hard to believe he will have his team ready. Navy is always ready. Navy +3.5.

Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii(-10.5) vs. Tulsa.
Forgot about this one....because it is so gotdamn forgettable. Hawaii is favored as they should be. I was leaning towards Tulsa with the points, but then I saw what Hawaii's coaches name is... Greg "Let's Get It Crackin'" McMackin. Nobody fucks with McMackin. Hawaii-10.5.

Little Caesar's Bowl: FIU vs. Toledo(-1.5).
Scooter McDougle -1.5.

Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech(-3).
Calhoun has reassured Air Force they he will be around for many years to come. I like their option attack a little more than Georgia Tech's, especially without Nesbitt...who still might make an appearance. Georgia Tech went from a BCS game last year to the Independence Bowl, I don't think they will show up. Air Force +3.

Champs Sports Bowl: WVU(-2.5) vs. NC State.
WVU is better in every facet of the game. Their 3-3-5 defense (OMG!) brings a ton of pressure and is one of the best units in the nation. The only problem I have with WVU is the coaching situation. How can you hire somebody in to be the head coach, but keep the current head coach for another year? That just a very West Virginia way to go about things. I think WVU can still pull it out, but I don't have a good feeling about this game. WVU-2.5.

Insight Bowl: Missouri(-2.5) vs. Iowa.
Iowa is more worried about running drug houses than running a football program. Too many distractions, so many not even Captain America can overcome them. Mizzou-2.5.

After this round of games is over I will post a leaderboard. All you need to know is that Iceman is winning right now. He likes to get dick drunk on weekends.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Strolling Down "College Football Preview Week" Lane

Is this true?  Did this really happen?  Did Shannon Sharpe get something right?
It's the week before Christmas.  If you were expecting a bunch of well-thought and researched posts, you expected wrong.  As has become tradition here over the past three years, we block off the entire week before Labor Day for College Football Preview Week where we let some of our more dedicated commenters run the show and get you pumped for the season.  But they must be held accountable which is what we are doing now.  Let's scour through that week of posts and find the gems and turds from those 5 long and uninspired posts.  Remember, the cast of characters were GMONEY, damman, drew, the wig master, gsaul, and li'l strut (caps lock button used to show importance).  Hold my AIDS blood-drenched hand and let me lead you down memory lane...

Great Overrated Calls!  Drew was good with Penn State.  G$ was equally solid with Georgia.  Wiggy hammered the Florida Coach Killers.  But it was GSaul who CRUSHED it by calling out two preseason top 5 frauds in Florida and Texas.  Well played, fella.
Shitty Overrated Calls!  Damman seems to think that Va Tech always sucks.  Suck Frank Beamer's BCS-going, fake-necked dick!  I take it the other way with the Hokies.  I think that they've become UNderrated with all the hate that they get each year.

Great Underrated Calls!  Li'l Strut saw that Wisconsin was legit before the rest of us.  GSaul remained hot with his Pig Sooey love!
Shitty Underrated Calls!  Drew found North Carolina underrated.  Maybe at accepting money from agents but not on the field.  Wiggy was pumped for UC's three or four win season.  GSaul also thought that Oregon State would be decent.  He failed miserably.

Great Fired Coach Calls!  Damman ushered Tim Brewster out of Minnehaha.  Wiggy fired a boulder up Dan Hawkins' ass.  GSaul killed it again by showing the door to Ralph Friedgen AND Al's too bad that Groh was fired last year.  You get NO points.
Shitty Fired Coach Calls!  Li'l Strut and I both know that Les Miles sucks but the guy has eighty lives.  Same can be said about Drew's pick, Ron Zook.

Great Underrated Player Calls!  Drew introduced us all to Scott Tolzein who wasn't that great but he is awesome at handing the ball off.  And eventhough he was criticized for it, Wiggy told us about Randall Cobb and he ended up being outstanding for UK.  Well done, Wig Master.
Shitty Underrated Player Calls!  Damman brought up Dion Lewis who everyone already knew of but he had a shit season anyway.  And who could forget GSaul namedropping Rams WR Danario Alexander here.  Such a lack of professionalism and did you pass the bar with this kind of shoddy work!!!

Great Bold Picks!  Drew said that Arkansas would finish the season 11-1.  I'll allow it.  Wiggy correctly assumed that JoePa was coming back next year if not longer.  I will give LS credit for saying that Stanford would win the Pac-10.  Close enough.  And the best one was G$ calling his shot with Spurrier winning the SEC East.  Thank you!
Shitty Bold Picks!  Strap yourself in, this could take awhile.
Drew - The overrated Ross Homan would be Big Ten DPOY.  If they gave an award for being a pussy, he would win.
Damman - No undefeated teams from BCS conferences.  Notre Dame in a BCS Bowl.
GSaul - Iowa wins the Big Ten.  Only if football games are decided on how many drugs are in your system!
Wiggy AND LS - Both of these idiots liked Notre Dame in the BCS, too.  WHAT DID YOU SEE IN THIS TEAM?
G$ - I actually had Navy at 11-1 and Temple winning double digit games.  I fuck sheep.

Great Heisman Winner Calls!  This was tough to find a winner here but the only one to even mention a guy who got invited to New York was Wiggy who had Kellen Moore winning it.
Shitty Heisman Winner Calls!  GMoney went with the heartwarming story over his head and gave it to Ricky Dobbs of Navy.  What can I say, I'm just a sucker for a black guy in uniform.  LS and Damman both picked Terrelle Pryor which was stupid.  The guy wasn't even a top three QB in the Big Ten this year.  I have proof.  Next year, I'm just going to ban you fags from picking him since it's not going to happen anyway.  He has a better shot of winning the UFL MVP than the Heisman.

Great BCS Title Calls!  Obviously, none of us were even thinking of Auburn and Oregon, but I give points to Drew for at least having two BCS teams here with anOSU and TCU.
Shitty BCS Title Calls!  Everyone else was all over the place.  A lot of misplaced love for Boise State.  Oklahoma was trendy.  Wiggy screamed his Nebraska pick like he was BO FUCKING PELINI.  But I have to give myself the worst prediction with Alabama and Oklahoma.

So what did we learn here?  Our panel of "experts" is probably going to get fired next year for being awful.  I never realized how much we lost when Dut was a lazy ass and had to get a sub.  GMoney still knows more about football than everyone else combined.  Ohio State fans can not stop being blind homers.  And Terrelle Pryor still sucks.  Thus, G$ is now done talking about college football for the rest of the year.  That is probably not true.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.IV

No one gives a fuck, queer.
Just stop it, ESPN.  Don't even think about making that comparison.  No one is buying what you are selling.  Don't even try to compare the UConn Women's winning streak to the Wooden streak.  It isn't the same.  It isn't that impressive.  And I am completely aware that this paragraph is going to reek of chauvinistic piggism and would make Jesse Spano cry.  Whatever, Mama, nice drug problem. 

Women's basketball is not a sport.  I say this because 99% of women basketball players are terrible.  They are slow.  They can't shoot.  It's the same type of basketball that you would see at a 7th grade boys game.  Rotten.  So forgive me for not caring about Geno the Prick's 88 game winning streak.  That number is deceiving.  There are only four good women ballers in America and he has three of them.  Whoopty-fucking-doo doo.  I have really no real reason to hate the UConn women's team, but I do.  When they lose, it's going to be awesome.  I just am tired of assholes trying to convince me that dykeball is interesting and I should be paying attention.  No, I should not be.  Women's basketball is a game that gives ugly and awkward chicks something to do.  And they do it poorly.  It always has been and it always will be.  And that streak will never be broken.

I got knocked out of the playoffs of one league this weekend (fucking Eli Manning).  Down to one team left in the G$FL where Drew once again choked in the first round of the playoffs.  HAHAHA he is terrible!  On to the rest of the weekend's worst:

Mike Shanahan - I don't care what Browns fans or Bills fans or Lions fans say, there is nothing worse than being a Redskins fan and it's been like this for a decade.  At least you have little expectations.  We Redskins fans are told every year that the future is now which leads to trading picks and signing awful free agents.  This is BY FAR the worst run organization in football.  Everything that Shanny and his gay kid have done this year has been wrong.  EVERYTHING.  If "The Future Is Now" like they told the fans this offseason, then we will be drafting in the top 5 for the next decade.  This team is an embarrassment from top to bottom.  Other than Trent Williams, Orakpo, London Fletcher, D-Hall, and Landry, everyone else on the team is a complete sack of shit.  I am going to punch my dad in the face for Christmas this year for raising me as a Redskins fan.

Cowboys Defense - That being said, EL SEX CANNON was pretty good yesterday.  In fact, he torched the Boys.  Which is inexcusable.

Dan Carpenter - Thanks a lot for missing four field goals yesterday, ya long-haired fag.  Yeah, I didn't need those 12 points in my fantasy playoffs at all.

Eric Mangini's Job Security - I thought that talk of Slim getting shown the door was premature and not warranted before, but losing to the Bengals is some pretty damning evidence that a severance package is coming his way.  I would like to remind everyone that a few weeks ago, Iceman and Damman were talking about the Browns running the table and making the playoffs.  That makes me laugh and continues to be the dumbest thing said on the internet this year. 

Ray Rice - Oh how nice of you to show up this week after murdering 99% of the fantasy owners that drafted you this year.  I hate this fucking guy.  I will never own him again.  And since he's black and I'm white, I should probably stop talking about owning him.  HIS NAME IS TOBY!

Matt Hasselbeck - I said last week, "just retire, you turd".  I stand by that.  By the way, is anyone's dick hard for a Falcons/Eagles NFC Title Game with Arthur Blank on the sideline fingering his weird mustache?  I just came.

The NFC West - It's official.  The winner of this shitball league will at best be 8-8.  Jesus Christ.  Whoever "wins" this will be a double digit underdog to the Saints in round one.  Amazing.

Josh Scobee - As a guy who had the Jags +4, FUCK YOU!  Nice onside kick attempt.  How can you kick it SO bad that a linebacker picks it up and runs it in for a spread-busting score?  I hate this guy more than his ninja brother, Josh Stobbe.

Austin Collie's Brain - Should I be laughing at a guy who has three concussions in his last three games?  I will anyway only because CBS showed these extremely fat Colts fans crying in the stands while he was on the ground.  That was funny.  And Collie might have just played his last game.  The Book of Mormon does not cure brain bruises.

The Panthers' Shittiness - Don't they want the #1 pick?  I nominate this as the worst game of the year.

Coach Kooooob - Yeah, you're fired. 

The Lions Road Losing Streak - Congrats on this ending.  I wish nothing but vast success to Jim Schwartz.  That man is all pissed-off class.  Did you know that Herman Moore once had 123 catches in a season?  That is fucking AMAZING.  Do you realize who his quarterback was?  I don't know but I'm sure that they sucked.

Jets Haters! - Whoa, that was a HUGE win in Shitsburgh.  That should silence them fuckers for a week or two.  This is still a really good team and as long as Nachos Bell Grande isn't throwing picks, they are going to hang around.  By the way, do you remember how awesome Rex Ryan was in Hard Knocks?  Well, do yourself a favor and check out the 24/7 Caps and Penguins series on HBO.  OUTSTANDING.  Caps coach Bruce Boudreau not only does interviews with ketchup on his face, but he also uses language that makes Rexy look like Tony Dungy.  Very well done little series.

Michael Strahan - I can't think of anyone else on the Giants Defense, so I'm blaming this guy.  What a complete collapse that was.  Great game and all, but come can't blow 21 point leads (especially at home).  If they have the mysterious "blueprint" for slowing down Mike Vick, then there is no way to stop Mike Vick.  Vick is the bomb diggity.  Yeah, I said it.

Matt Dodge - Nice fucking punt, cunt!  HAHAHAHA!  I thought that Coughlin was going to choke him out before DeSean even scored.  I think that this was the dumbest play of the season and it could keep the Giants out of the postseason.  Yes, it was even dumber than the Redskins decision to show up for that MNF game against Philly.

Tim Tebow - He wasn't bad actually but I just wanted to mention him anyway. 

You know, I don't even care that the NFL has given us Matt Flynn last night and Joe Webb tonight in primetime.  Whatever, it's still better than being a women's college hoops fan.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Not All College Basketball Halftime Shows Are Created Equally

You two have got some competition coming!
A long time ago when I was a college student, I attended my fair share of college basketball games.  In fact, I only missed one non-over-the-holidays home game (stupid class) in four years.  It helped that all students got in for free but I like to think that I would have went anyway.  I try to make it to 2 or 3 games per year still today.  With all of that as a backdrop, I've seen plenty of halftime shows over the years.  Some were horrendous.  Some were actually pretty good.  But I watched them all.  And today I figured that I could take some time and rank the quality of college basketball halftime shows.

I suppose I should mention that I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  The puppy and I have spent every night over the last two weeks out in the backyard playing with the frisbee.  He can't catch anything but no one runs after it through the snow with more passion and desire than my dog.  It's actually pretty funny.  And every single time I flip the frisbee across the yard, I think that we are getting closer to going on the college basketball halftime show circuit.  Trust me, you would love watching me and my dog play frisbee.  Especially in the snow.  I would make it part of my demands as a halftime act that the court had to be covered in snow before we go on.  Anyway, let's get to my rankings.

Dead Last: The Firecrackers - I loathe this act.  It's a bunch of pre-teen girls doing a bunch of things with jump ropes and maybe doing flips and they all wave to the crowd after everything they do.  I find them dull and uninspired and this puts me in the minority of most hoops fans.  I'm OK with that, too.  Little girls are annoying and jumping rope is easy.  When in doubt, I usually like to avoid things that pedophiles would get off to.  I guess I'm just old-fashioned.  Is it fair to call a bunch of ten year old girls overrated and boring?  It is here.

8. Recognizing some other team at the school - Ugh, this is reserved for usually the weeknight home game in January against the worst team in the league.  So the AD comes out and introduces the equestrian team that finished 12th at the regional championships.  Ummmm, OK?  Thanks for putting me to sleep with these pseudo-sports.

7. Acrobats/Contortionists - Have you ever seen these guys that look like they are getting freaky with each other but they are actually doing flips and stuff?  I don't know what their actual names are but it's pretty impressive the first time that you see it.  After that, well, it's not very manly.

6. Unicycle Guy - Speaking of a guy who has videotape on the Firecrackers, it's UNICYCLE GUY!!!  This guy came to Millett Hall ONE time and it was the most bizarre thing ever.  He just sort of rode his bikes around the court for 8 minutes and then he was done.  No one knew what was going on.  And that is what made it brilliant!

5. The School Sexy-Dance Team - If you want to oogle ladies at halftime, this is where it's at.  Sure, you have to sacrifice your eardrums and the terrible hip hop music for the glory of attractive college chicks wearing spandex, but that is sooooo worth it.  The key is to not get caught drooling.

4. Student Contests - I think that these are underrated.  I actually like the promotion where some idiot has to make three shots in 30 seconds or something.  But there is a catch.  I don't like it when they trot out a guy with a nice jumper.  No, I want a fat dude who shoots two-handed and airballs half of his shots.  And then when he has to self-rebound, he almost dies.  Now THAT is good comedy.

3. That Lady Who Flips Bowls - Saw her at an Ohio State game and have seen her at NBA games...just outstanding.  I think she has a unicycle, too.  She flips multiple bowls from her feet to the top of her head.  Yeah, people do that apparently.  Check out the video.

2. Trampoline Dunkers - Come on, everyone likes these guys.  The group that used to come to Oxford were dressed in various different colors of the Green Man suits and wore sunglasses.  They were badasses.  They may have even had lightning bolts on their capes.  But this act isn't too hard to figure out anyway.  Dunks are awesome.  Trampolines are great.  Put them together and it's pure gold.  But it pales in comparison to the Kings of the Halftime Show...

1. Frisbee Dogs - How adorable.  I used to get pissed and yell at the humans for making terrible frisbee tosses.  How dare they make these little guys look like crap.  The gall!  Unless we're talking about Mike Vick's house, I think it's safe to say that dogs make everything better.  Especially those that can run, jump, and catch...Braylon Edwards can't do that.  But be honest, seeing a frisbee get tossed, thinking that there is no way that the dog can get there in time, and then it does is a great feeling.  You feel like you've already won when the Frisbee Dogs are in the building.

I think that that about covers it.  I'm looking forward to puppy and I's first halftime gig.  He'll be so nervous that he poops on the court.  And then I will act like it never happened and make one of the ballboys clean it up.  It's going to be great.

Money Shot Bowl Mania!

(If you win, this could be you!)

The bowl madness begins tomorrow. You need to participate in the Money Shot Bowl Mania because you want to be fucking cool! Pick each weeks games with the points, just like the professionals/degenerates. Here is the link to the first week of games, leave your picks in the comments if you haven't already. Do it!

As an added bonus Mrs. Ace is going to be joining the madness this year because she thinks you are all nutless, dickless, douchers. I'm sure you will all prove her right.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I've sent out some reminders via Facebook for this but if you didn't get it, here are the details for this year's bowl pool.  Yes, there will be a prize.  It might even be porn.  It will probably be porn.  Who doesn't want their own copy of Knockers 8?  It may or may not feature a scene starring Ron Jeremy.  Intrigued?  Maybe some other shit, too.  Probably some other shit, too.  I've got a lot of crap that I can start getting rid of.

Here is the link that hopefully works.  If not, just go the Yahoo sports page and find us.  The League ID is 21236 and the password is obviously "gmoney".  Good luck.  First game is Saturday afternoon so quit fucking around.  Look at those tits again and then put Alabama for your #35.

I Don't Really Know How To Feel About This

FRANK Rizzo!  Open your fuckin' ears, jackass.
I really don't.  It's strange.  Should I be happy for a guy who got a better job?  Should I be pissed off?  Should I kidnap his son and sell him into the Thai sex trade?  What should I do?  OK, that last one was a joke.

Every once in awhile, you all have to suffer through a post that means a lot more to me than it does to any of you.  This is one of those days.

It's being reported as a done deal that former RedHawk coach, Mike Haywood, will be the new coach at Pitt.  You know, when you root for a team with the limited resources, funds, and facilities that Miami has, this sort of thing is inevitable.  Either a coach is going to move on to bigger things or they are going to suck ass and get fired.  Very rarely do guys stay in the MAC forever.  I just didn't see it happening this soon.  Two years?  I'm happy for Haywood and totally get why he jumped.  It took him two years and now he's coaching one of the better programs in a BCS conference.  That's pretty fucking amazing when you think about it.

He did exactly what was expected at Miami, too.  Believe me, the vast majority of supporters of our football team was against this hire two years ago.  He went 1-11 the first year on the job and then led the team to a conference title in year two in one of the greatest turnarounds in recent college football history.  He made us relatively relevant again, won the league, and got us to a bowl game.  So how can I be pissed off when he goes off to greener grass?  And I can't.  So I won't.  He did exactly what I wanted.  Hell, I went to FOUR games this year.  I can't remember the last time that I went to more than two in a season.

Think about it though if you are a Pitt Panther alum.  They just hired a guy with two years of head coaching experience.  A guy who was stripped of his play-calling duties by Charlie Weis in South Bend.  A guy whose career coaching record is 10-15.  A guy who is about three Primanti Bros' sandwiches away from wearing a mumu on the sidelines every Saturday.  A guy who wastes at least two timeouts per game on defense.  Would this make you happy?  I really think that they could have done better here with this opening.  But then again, Pitt AD Steve Petersen, is the same moron who fired Frank Solich at Nebraska when he won 80+% of his games.  And they have never been the same.  So you can throw common sense out the window.  But this hire feels desperate.  Haywood wasn't even that hot of a name.  He is still pretty green.  I don't know, he just doesn't feel "BCS" to me.  At least not yet.

I guess if I wanted to make a comparison that some of you can relate to here regarding how I feel, I would say that it's like when Oden and Conley left anOSU after one year.  Obviously, they HAD to go but they weren't perfect basketball machines yet.  They still had some growing up to do.  Oden needed to refine his offensive post game and Conley needed to work on his shooting.  But when the NBA tells you that they want you, you go.  Same thing with a BCS conference with million dollar checks.  You go when they want you.  With Oden and Conley, the NBA was always going to be there but for a coach, the big job might not.

And much like some anOSU fans may think about what would have happened had those two guys stayed for one more year, we few but proud Miami fans will wonder the same about Haywood.  He set a great foundation for us yet now it appears to be shaky again.  This next hire is extremely important.  I don't want to go back to the dark days again.  Those were horrible, horrible times.  Our stupid AD hit a home run two years ago so I have absolutely no faith in him that he will do it again.  He is an AWFUL athletic director.  It might have to do with the fact that he looks exactly like Egon from Ghostbusters though.

God dammit, for as great as this season was, it only took one mustached asshole stepping down to ruin everything.  I wish Haywood well though.  He made me proud of Miami Football again and I'm grateful for it.  But still...fucking Wannstedt. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Cammy Cam Juice: A Leader and Legend

(Say hello to the Legends)

And Cecil wept...somewhere. Cam Newton won the Heisman, just like he was supposed to. I don't know if he will ever have to give it back, and it really makes no difference to me. I don't see Reggie Bush highlights and think, what a fucking cheater! I think that guy was one of the sickest college football players ever. The same can be said for Cammy Cam.

And to all you dolts who didn't vote for him, take off your fucking blinders! This shit happens EVERYWHERE! And why not? Sure, Reggie and Cam might look bad for about 10 seconds, but they will be millionaire's by that time. USC has been doing this since Carroll's arrival and they only got caught once. I'd say the strategy paid off. Your elite college football players aren't student athletes anymore, they are mercenaries. Deal with it.
Fuck you, G Money. G$ talked about this yesterday, in a shitty two paragraph post, but fuck him. This is my conference and my topic. The Leaders and Legends. Has a catchy ring to it...if Zelda were coming out with a new game on Wii. Jim Delany, you incredibly unclever prick. I'm not even pissed about Michigan, "Leaders and Best", being in the fucking Legends division. That's dumb enough on its own, but nothing else is even relevant with these shitting division names. EAST and fucking WEST! That simple. We are the Big fucking Ten, not the WAC. We don't need to recreate the conference or turn any heads. People know who we are. The fucking Leaders and Legends? How about the Ruh and the Tards?

And then, as a nice little bow on this shit filled package, we get a new logo. This logo:
What the fuck is this? Why is the "I" a "1"? Why is the "G" trying to resemble a "0"? It already fucking says Big Ten in the fucking name! One and fucking Zero don't need to make an appearance! What team in the Big Ten is wearing Chargers powder blue? Is this logo sponsored by USA Today? How did this happen? Did Jim Delany give his grandkids a baby blue crayon and tell them to write Big Ten on a piece of cardboard? No, he gave the crayon to Terrelle Pryor.

I have scoured the interwebs for better ideas and this is what I came up with:

Get it? There is a cock instead of a 1! Brilliant. Sit on that Jim!
This is horrible, but not nearly as bad as what we paid some company millions of dollars to produce.
Leaders and Legends suck, but if that's what we have then fucking own it!
I could handle this.

But seriously, it is this fucking easy. That would be perfectly fine.

Money Shot Bowl Challenge Bitches.
Rules: Instead of those pussy bowl pools where you pick the winner and rate your confidence, we do shit the man's way, pick it with the points. That easy. I will give a brief preview of every game of the week, give the point spread, give my pick, and the you money shot maniacs put your picks in the comments. I will keep tally of everyone throughout the bowl season and the winner gets to write their very own Roast Post, in which they annihilate anyone and everyone they please...or they get the respect of million's of money shot maniacs, your choice.

New Mexico Bowl: UTEP vs. BYU(-11.5)
BYU is HOT. They have won 4 of their last 5 and their only loss was by one point to UTAH. There offense has slowly been improving over the year and they actually have a defense. Bronco Mendenhall is a solid coach. I think they will show up and roll. UTEP on the other hand has lost 5 of there last 6. So yeah, Mormons -11.5.

Humanitarian Bowl: Northern Ill(-1) vs. Fresno St.
NIU losing their coach is a big deal, the line went from -3.5 to -1 when that happened. Pat Hill is still at Fresno so the coaching edge clearly goes that way. And most importantly, no team can recover from losing a conference title game to Miami(OX). NIU is the better team, but losing a back breaker and a head coach is too much to overcome. Fresno +1.

New Orleans Bowl: Ohio vs Troy(-1)
The line has moved from OU-2.5 to Troy -1. What happened? I don't know. I think the betting public loves Troy from the upsets they had several years back. But I can't imagine the betting public is huge on the Troy/OU game. Maybe Troy is just better. Or some wise guy put big money on Troy and the line moved. I'm going with that theory, which means I'm going with Troy -1.

St. Petersburg Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Louisville(-3)
Another big mover. Southern Miss was favored by 2.5 and are now 3 point dogs. I'm rolling with Charlie Strong here. He has brought his defensive mindset to Louisville and put out a Top 15 defense. He also found a beast in Bilal Powell. I don't think Southern Miss will slow him down. Louisville -3.

Here is a link to the final Money Shot Bowl Madness post of last year's bowl season. After reviewing what went down, it appears Drew's faggot ass won. Let's call it a fluke.

There you have it. Leave your picks in the comments.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Only Legends And Leaders Are Wanted

I don't know if I'm supposed to laugh or cry at this.
Jesus Christ, this is just getting sad.  The Big Ten has been a punchline for awhile now but have gradually been building it's reputation back up over the past few years.  It's more than just Ohio State in football now.  It's more than just Sparty in hoops, too.  Hell, the football portion of the conference could be better than it has been in over a decade now.

But then Jim Delaney unleashes this new stupid logo.  And then he announces what the new divisions are to be called.  Forget about the fact that the separation of schools makes ZERO SENSE at all.  No, don't worry about that.  Why would you want to have East and West divisions when you could have LEGENDS and LEADERS divisions?  Who wouldn't want that?

This is just stupid.  I have yet to find anyone who likes either of these Delaney ideas.  I don't find it cute that the "I" is a number 1 or that the "G" resembles a ten.  It looks like something that a kindergarten class could do.  The Big Ten will now become LEGENDS in the field of embarrassment and LEADERS in the realm of retardery.  And for all of you BCS haters out there, just remember that it's Jim Delaney who is one of the main proponents against a playoff.

Sunday Is Exactly Why We Need Jillian Barberie Back

Bradshaw's DNA is all over that.
As I mentioned yesterday, I conducted an experiment this past weekend.  I wagered (not a ton but a good amount) money on every NFL game in week 14.  I have been doing well recently (knock on wood) and wanted to sort of guage my own theories about the league to see if they were profitable.  Why yes...yes they were.

Like I said on Facebook and what I told Tony B via text, there was a LOT of money to be made on the "unders" on Sunday.  If you drew a straight line from Chicago to DC, every game north of that line was played in terrible weather.  I went after this trend with the force of a thousand teenage erections.  I bet the unders in Chicago, DC, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and New York.  The result?  4-1 and the 4 were not even close to the betting line.  What does this mean?  Duuuuuuude, check the fucking weather on Sunday mornings.  Wind, rain, snow, all of that shit can be used to make money.  Which brings me to my bitch tonight:

Why in the fuck doesn't Fox carve out a minute of their pregame show to talk about the weather anymore?  This is vital gambling AND fantasy info.  Jay Glazer is awesome and all, but I don't give a fuck if Big Ben is playing if the temperature is 3 degrees with winds at 25 mph.  Bring Jillian's spectacular MILF rack back to the show!  Fire fucking Caliendo if you have to.  His picks and bits add nothing anyway.  Or get rid of that stupid Fired Up! segment.  A weather update is much more important to degenerates like myself.  And I've always enjoyed Bradshaw's sexual harrassment remarks and the awkwardness displayed by Howie Long.  It's like Howie had an affair with her but no one knew so he thought that if he just ignored her, no one would figure it out.  Well I'm on to you, Howie.  And Jillian totally looks like she's be down for a Hall of Fame gangbang which is yet one more reason why she should be back on TV.

Other things that I learned from betting on everything yesterday:
*just ignore the NFC West as it is too hard to figure out
*the Cowboys have covered every week under Garrett
*the Jags seemingly cover every week
*betting against Carson Palmer will make you rich
*shitty quarterbacks are even worse in the cold

I miss you, Jillian Barberie or whatever your last name is now.  Please come back to us.  Your breasts are much more fun to look at than Curt Menefee's.  If you are in your fantasy playoffs, snow is usually a bad thing.  If you're done for the year and are looking at making a quick buck, snow is a great thing.