Friday, October 29, 2010

From South Bend To Bend Over

This is really sad.  I'm serious.  The kid knew that he was going to die.
We're going to close out the week with me hopping up on my high horse.  You all probably heard about the Notre Dame student who was a video something or other for the football team.  You probably also recall the savage winds that whipped through the midwest this week.  The Irish held practice indoors on Tuesday due to the weather.  On Wednesday, in spite of 50 mph winds, Brian Kelly announced that they would be outside that day.  When they go outside, someone has to get up on that lift thingy to videotape.  And unfortunately for Declan Sullivan, his desire to do what the head coach wants and to live his dream by working in sports ended up costing him his life.

A big gust of wind blew the lift over and Sullivan fell 50 feet onto a street and died.  A very sad story that didn't HAVE to end this way.  Let's bring in Captain Hindsight along with Coon and Friends to analyze the situation:

"If the lift says not to go up on it when the wind is stronger than 25 mph, you probably shouldn't go up with winds of 50 mph."

I'm just going to come out and say it, this is Brian Kelly's fault and he should pay for this somehow.  There is NO REASON to practice outdoors in weather like that.  You aren't getting better that day in those conditions.  And even if you do go outside, why are you putting other people in danger?  It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to see that that kid swaying up in the air is in trouble and probably shouldn't be there.  And really, it's two months into the season.  Do you really need to still tape practice?

I don't know if Kelly could be charged with reckless endangerment or involuntarily manslaughter or anything else classified as criminal behavior.  But what I do know is that from what I've read about this, he should be charged with something.  The retard AD at Notre Dame blamed it on a big gust of wind.  This is THEIR fault.  They run this show and thus are responsible for everyone fairly or not.  Should someone do jail time?  I don't know.  But I do know that a kid died on their watch and, like it or not, Kelly, Swarbrick, and Notre Dame are all to blame.  And they most definitely WILL pay for this.  That whole NBC deal?  Yeah, it's going to the Sullivan family.

You know, maybe saying that Brian Kelly should be sent to Leavenworth is a bit extreme.  It isn't like he pushed the lift over or anything (I hope not).  But I will say this.  He should be fired.  Yes.  And I mean it.  Losing to Navy isn't good, but continuing practice for 25 minutes after the kid fell to his death does not warrant a second chance.  You're done.  You used up your three strikes right there.  Fuck you, Brian Kelly, I hope that this weekend's win over Tulsa was worth the blood on your dickhead hands.

Say what you want to about Rich Rodriguez, but at least he hasn't started murdering students...yet.  The death is bad enough, but what's even more sad is that Notre Dame won't do shit about this.  And this is yet one more reason why everyone should hate Notre Dame.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Happy Belated NBA Prediction Post and Preview

You WILL blow out your knees this year, you backstabbing bitch.  Papa Shango guarantees it.
There is a weird emptiness inside of me for the start of this NBA season (which snuck up on me like whoa).  For the first time in 7 years, I'm not very excited.  We all know what happened and I don't want to get back into that.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  Over time, it will stop hurting.  But now, if I allowed #6 to make me enter the grieving process, I would be classified as just barely still in the "anger" category and on my way to "acceptance".  I'm beginning to move but still I've gotten to the point where I hope that the Heat get into a plane crash but only if Pat Riley is aboard.  That fucker needs to die for ruining basketball TWICE now.  The first time was with his thuganomics brand of Knicks bullshit and now for turning the league into a joke that only idiots like Colin Cowherd don't understand how bad it is for the sport.

If LeBortion didn't want to be a Cav for life, then that's fine.  Just don't expect a warm welcome when you come home and don't ever expect the public to be on your side.  And those new Nike ads where you ask what were you supposed to do, I've got the answer for you:  it was OK for you to leave but only if you did everything else in the exact opposite way that you ended up doing things.

And it still kills me how all of the "people who don't get it" keep saying that Cavs fans need to get over it.  So I'm just supposed to sit back and smile about my team going from being the best regular season team in the league the last two seasons to quite possibly the worst team in basketball?  Oh yeah, I'm really pumped about that!  Not to mention that all of this was accomplished by our native son collectively pulling down all of our pants and buttfucking our will to live out of us on national TV behind the guise of some bullshit charity?  Yeah, I don't wish that on anyone.  Because it sucked.  And let me tell you, seeing that the Heat lost on opening night was fucking delightful.  But I'll talk more about the Heat later.

Before I get to a few points and predictions for the coming season, I would like to give props to the usually douchey bunch from Rover's Morning Glory, one of those wacky FM morning shows based out of Cleveland.  If you didn't hear about it, they brought in some sort of witch doctor to put a curse on LeBortion and the Heat.  I find this to be awesome and hilarious.  The art of voodoo isn't practiced enough in sports.  I hope it works.  There needs to be more Jobu's in competitive athletics.  Thoughts on the season in which only 5 teams have a chance to win the title!

Most Overrated Player - Chris Bosh and it isn't even close.  This guy is a pussy who isn't even remotely worth max money.  What has he ever accomplished?  Has he ever played a full season?  Look, Miami is going to get everyone's best every single night which means that games will tend to be physical.  And he doesn't play that way.  He has no chance to live up to the money that he is making.

Most Underrated Player - Manu Ginobili.  I hate saying this because Mr. Ace owns this fag's jersey, but much like Prince, that cat can ball.  I think that we get so angry over how gay this guy is that we forget how brilliant he is with the ball in his hands.

First Coach Fired - Jay Triano in Toronto.  That team is awful and it isn't his fault.  But he's going to take the fall.

Most Overrated Team - Oklahoma City.  They will make the playoffs.  They will be good.  But they aren't going to be one of the top three seeds out West like many think and they aren't going to win their division.  The Thunder are still a year away...but they excel at having BJ Mullens on their NBDL roster.

Most Underrated Team - Sacramento.  This is my pick for surprise team of the year.  Evans and Cousins will be a force for years in the league.

Three Bold Predictions:
1. Evan Turner won't just have a below-average rookie season, but Doug Collins will BURY him on the bench.  He's already stuck behind pretty good players and Collins has never been very good with young guys.
2. Behind Arenas and John Wall, the Wizards make the playoffs.
3. The Houston Rockets end up playing in the Western Conference Finals

Cavs Thoughts - It's going to be a tough year.  The scars haven't healed.  I could see many possible outcomes here.  The only things that I'm sure of is that they won't make the playoffs, they will be one of the worst defensive teams ever, and everybody but JJ Hickson can be had for the right price.  That includes Razor Ramon Sessions.  MANNY HARRIS MADE THIS FUCKING TEAM!  It looks like the Harrison Barnes Watch begins now.

Rookie of the Year - Blake Griffin
Coach of the Year - Jerry Sloan
MVP - Kevin Durant

Why the Heat won't win this year - Look at the past champions.  For the most part (other than the Celtics), it takes guys playing together for awhile to really gel into something special.  The Heat don't have the time to do that.  None of these guys have defined roles and I don't expect that to change for awhile.  And that sort of thing happens when your coach is a 14 year old Filipino transvestite who is a three game losing streak away from getting fired and replaced by Riley.  And they are also soft.  The lack of size was apparent on Tuesday night and will be a factor throughout.  I think that Boston, Orlando, LA, and Houston could all beat them in a postseason series.  Any team that gives Eddie House 26 minutes has more issues than you think.  And, you know, they have officially had a curse put on them.

NBA Finals - Celtics over Lakers...but it doesn't matter as long as it isn't the Heat

In conclusion, it's sort of fun being a diehard fan of every team in the league that isn't Miami.  I like it.  It gives me someone different to root for every night.  And I can not wait for December 2nd.  I would not put it past some deranged Ohioan to run onto the court brandishing a knife when the Heat come to The Q.  And if that does happen, LeBortion Jerky will be served to the first 10,000 fans through the gate.  Fuck that guy.  Fuck him in his mother's power-bush.  Oh, and if you want an NHL Preview, here it is:  the Sharks and Caps always choke.  Pick anyone other than those two.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

That's What Friends Are For

(Pumpkin Fucker)

Circleville Pumpkin Show. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? If you ever have the opportunity to go, don't. It is the dark, soulless, hillbilly taint of hell. Commenter Daniel said he was going on Saturday night and since his wife/owner almost never lets him out of the house I decided Mrs. Ace and I would go meet up with him. That's right, I decided to sacrifice my Saturday night so I could go fuck pumpkins with Daniel.

So he says he's leaving at 4:30 and should get to the pumpkin show at 5:00. At 7:00 PM this is the text I sent to Daniel, "We left. You're gay." That's right, this ass hole didn't even get into Circleville until 8:30. What a horrible friend. The worst part is that he was touting this place for it's great food. I fucking love great food. Hell, I love below average food. I would have no problem if it were just Mrs. Ace and I there and we were surrounded by great food. But we weren't. We were surrounded by hillbillies, fair food, and terrible karaoke. The Circleville Pumpkin Show is nothing more than the Henry County fair on AIDS.

The moral of the story is...don't have terrible friends like Commenter Daniel.

Don't be fooled, they're still Sparty. You can't possibly be falling for this team, right? Think about this, Sparty is one fake FG and one fake punt away from being 6-2 with losses to Notre Dame and Northwestern. This is not a Top 5 team. This is not a Top 10 team. They may go undefeated, but they will be the worst undefeated team ever.

That being said, part of me wants them to go undefeated because one of two things will happen. One, they do somehow make it to the National Championship and get curb-stomped by whichever team they play. Two, they go undefeated and win the Big Ten and still get overlooked and end up in the Rose Bowl and get curb-stomped by Arizona.

Purdon't. I don't really have much to say about the Fuckeyes. They did exactly what I, and everybody else, thought they would. Purdue wasn't a good team in the first place, but their team is essentially made up of backups at this point. No hate for the Fuckeyes this week, they did what they were supposed to.

Eviction Notice. The Big East is still a BCS conference. Seriously. Only Miami, Florida State, and Seung-Hui Cho Tech are ranked in the Top 25, and only Florida State is deserving. The WAC and MWC are on par with the Big East. I would much rather watch Hawaii, Nevada, or San Diego State than watch the remnants of a dead football conference that is the Big East. Go back to the ACC.

The Number One Stunna. Wha Wha Wha Wha. First Bama, then the Fuckeyes, and now Oklahoma. And the thing is, none of these were real shockers. They were all late games at the underdogs place. Each of the teams were in the Top 20. Nothing crazy. This week Oregon goes to the Coliseum to take on the Trojan men as the number one team in the nation, according to the AP, and Auburn heads to Ole Miss. Neither Ole Miss or USC are ranked in the Top 25, but one of them is going to win. I think my boy Lane will have his ex-professional athletes ready for the Ducks. Number one is going down again.

Looking Ahead.
Michigan has awaken from its mid-season nap and will be ready to roll on Saturday. Everybody who was banged up will be back to 100%, so expect Denard to be back at his early season form. More importantly, Penn State doesn't know who their QB will be, or so they say. Even if they do, whoever it is will still suck. A night game in Happy Valley is never an easy task, but Michigan will take care of business. Michigan -1.5.

Baylor is finally ranked in the Top 25 while Texas finds itself on the outside of the rankings. Unfortunately, Vegas still sees Texas as a 7 point favorite. I want to pick Baylor, but I'm afraid of Texas rallying after losing to Iowa State. But I do know one thing, Baylor can score and they have no defense. The O/U is set at 53. That might be covered in the first half. OVER 53.

The Fuckeyes go to Minny as 25 point favorites. Remember the last time they traveled north for a night game? I do...and I bet the Fuckeyes do to. I think the Fuckeyes go over 45 points again and there is no way Minny gets over 20. Fuckeyes -25.

As I said before, I'm going with SoCal +7.

Be Thankful He Isn't Yours. Are you a college football fan and hate your head coach? Well I have something for you to be thankful for; Derek Dooley isn't your coach...unless you're a Tennessee fan...which in that case, you're fucked.

Well, At Least He Didn't Rape Him. Notre Dame keeping it classy:

Catholic jokes are fun!

Debate! And don't forget that commenter Daniel is an ass hole.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

One Loser City Will Stop Losing: The World Series Preview

Nobody fucks with The Machine.
For my return to Tuesday posting, it feels right to talk about the World Series which begins tomorrow.  But first, you all probably want to watch me bitch and moan about the Yankees and their inability to repeat as champions.

But I won't.  Sort of.  Look, I know the expectations that are on this team every year and the fact that every ring-less season is a failure.  I've accepted that.  At the same time, no one has repeated in over a decade now.  So clearly it isn't an easy thing to do regardless of how deep your wallet is.  Here's the thing:  the Yankees got their asses beaten badly by a hotter and (I hate saying this) better team.  Often times you can place blame on your shortcomings by picking on a player or an umpire or the manager (especially the manager), but in this instance, no fucking way.  Everybody sucked.  And they got steamrolled because of it.  They were lucky to not get swept.  The starting pitching was a joke.  The bats were silent other than Cano.  How can you not hit Tommy MILF Hunter and Colby Lewis?  That still boggles my mind.  The bullpen was terrible except for Wood and Mo.  Unfrozen Caveman Manager hasn't met an intentional walk that he didn't like.  It was just the perfect storm of shit.  And you all ate it up and enjoyed it.  I don't blame you either.  Fans of loser teams consider the day that the Yankees lose as their Christmas morning.  And Christmas came early this year.  It was probably better than ever.

I should give you guys some credit though for treating your king (me) with class.  I didn't receive one text about this.  Well done, gentlemen, you are alright.  There was some bullshit on Facebook but that's my own fault for going there after game 6 ended.  But that is over with now.  I'm over it.  It's time to starting planning my free agent wishlist (a likely post for the future).  And just because the Yankees are done does not mean that the sport has stopped.  Nope, we've got a fairly intriguing World Series matchup featuring two of the worst organizations of the last 40+ years.  The drought ends for somebody this season.  Let's see if we can predict this one a little better than I did for the Championship Series's's's's.

The Texas Rangers vs. The San Francisco Giants

Offense - The Rangers obviously have a big edge here but playing 4 games in SF will hurt more than you think.  Losing your cleanup hitter (I don't buy that Vlad is going to play much in the OF) is a big loss.  The Giants have gotten a lot of mileage out of career shitbags like Cody "Lambert" Ross, Juan Uribe, and Aubrey Huff.  Buster Posey is the key.  If he's in a groove, look out.  Adv - Texas

Defense - If Texas wants to play Vlad, he is going to boot at least one ball per game in the outfield.  But then again, he can't be any worse out there than David Murphy.  Eh, I've decided that I don't want to talk about defense any more because it's boring.  I think Sandoval plays third base for a few innings eventhough he's built like Peter Griffin.  Adv - Texas

Pitching - Just because the Yankees couldn't hit them, doesn't mean that the Rangers staff is competent at all.  Will the Giants have someone as stupid as Derek Jeter swinging at every first pitch no matter where it is?  Do the Giants have anyone as bad at driving in runs as Nick Swisher?  Lincecum is better than Lee.  Yeah, I said it.  And I assume that it takes a few times of facing Lincecum before you can figure him out.  The Rangers don't have that luxury.  The Giants have better 2-4 starters as well.  Adv - SF

Bullpen/Closer - This is pretty simple.  Feliz has nasty stuff but rookies can be shaky.  Brian Wilson is a fucking nutjob that just goes out there and throws the ball as hard as he can.  I really enjoy his work and wish to subscribe to his newsletter.  Adv - SF

Intangibles - Tony B thinks that the Rangers have a slight advantage since Bengie Molina played for the Giants earlier this year and has caught all of their pitchers.  Interesting thought but the more you give baseball players to think about, the worse it is.  Still, it could be an intriguing thing to watch for.  Adv - Texas

Manager - Ron Washington used to have a jheri curl, enjoys random hard drugs, and should have been fired in the offseason when all of this stuff came out.  Bruce Bochy has a size 8" head.  That's impressive.  Adv - SF

City - San Francisco is a gorgeous place that is currently home to the 49ers and shares a border with Oakland so it could use something positive.  I wish nothing but awful things on the city of Dallas and all of it's residents.  Texas fucking sucks.  Adv - SF

Fans - Both fanbases are tortured but I get the feeling that the Giants have more "real" baseball fans.  The Ranger fans give off a pretty sizeable bandwagon vibe to me.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I don't respect it.  Giants fans have also had to deal with more tough losses.  They deserve this more.  Adv - SF

Ownership - Nolan Ryan is cool and all, but this is still a franchise that declared bankruptcy this year (yet still managed to add payroll at the trade deadline somehow).  And the Rangers were once owned by George W. Bush AND Tom Hicks...two of the worst owners in sports history. The Giants owner, whose name escapes me at the moment, looks exactly like SNL vet, Darrell Hammond.  Adv - SF

Quirky shit - The Rangers do their stupid ass claws and antlers.  I can't describe how lame and retarded that is.  The Giants have beards.  Beards are badass.  Adv - SF

Team homo - The Giants team gay man is Freddy Sanchez who looks like a total bitch.  The Rangers have Elvis Andrus who managed to make me fucking LOATHE him in the ALCS.  He never hits balls hard at all yet they always find holes.  And he hasn't cut his stupid hair since Spring Training.  Get fucked, Elvis, that's a fag name.  Adv - Nobody

Other random shit - The Giants have a team in the Napoleon Little League system.  The Rangers do not.  BIG adv - SF

PREDICTION!!! - When in doubt, always bet on the team with better starting pitching.  And the Giants have a HUGE advantage there.  The time off will probably cool off Texas's sticks a bit (and that they don't get to sit on Phil Hughes meatballs anymore).  I like the Giants here.  They are giving off a team of destiny vibe to me.  Give me the Giants in 6 to win the Series and give the city of San Fran something that Willie Mays and Barry Bonds and Will Clark could never give them.

And before we go, apparently Fox is already complaining about how their ratings are going to suck with these two teams.  You know, maybe it has nothing to do with the teams.  Maybe if you replaced those two fucks in the booth, people would actually want to watch more than 3-4 pitches of a game before their ears start bleeding.  Eat shit, Fox.  Go Giants.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Worst of Week Seven Vol.IV

Bring these back, ASAP.
Alright, let's relax a bit.  After one of the most heated weeks for debate in the recent history of the league concerning concussions and brain goo, everything went back to normal this weekend.  But I've been wondering for a long time now, whatever happened to the style of facemask that Greg Lloyd used to wear as seen above.  Those weirdo masks already cracked me up.  It looked like their faces were incarcerated.  Who screws prison bars to helmets anyway?  What was the purpose of those things?  If it was to restrict your sight, then job well done.  Does anyone know why people wore those things and when they stopped wearing them?  When I played football, that style of mask was not an option.  I totally would have worn it, too, because I would have done some serious finger-busting with a cage like that.

Anywho, before we get started, I suppose that I should announce a MAJOR CHANGE here.  Effective immediately, G$ will be writing for your enjoyment on Tuesdays again.  Mr. Ace has made the switch to Wednesdays.  He will still be doing the college football talk around here but due to his shifts at the Speedway glory hole, he can no longer cater to your hate until Hump Day.  Please make a note of it.

Now with that being said and your calendars updated, I realize that you all want to kill me over the Yankees ousting from the MLB playoffs.  I ask you to wait one more day for that.  I'll be giving you a big write-up tomorrow with a World Series preview.  Hang tight and continue to work on your hate.  I know that you can.  Actually, the Yankees are a good segue to discuss the worst of the NFL weekend.  Jesus Christ, this was a terrible week.  It felt like there were more defensive touchdowns than there were on offense.  And that really helps fuel this post.  Let's get rollin'.

Honorable Mention #1 - Mrs. Todd Bouman.  I caught a decent chunk of this game on RedZone.  It was great because every time that the Jags were driving, they showed Bouman's fine ass wife in the stands.  What a rack.  It was magical.  It's hard to say that she should be on this list, but I just wanted to mention that Todd Bouman's wife's titties settled.  She has starting QB bewbs.

Honorable Mention #2 - Bill Belichick.  Dude, Brady has NO ONE to throw to now.  What a stupid trade it was to unload Moss.  And what sort of idiot goes for it on 4th and 1 from the 50 when they are only up by 3 points?  But I guess when you're coaching against Norv, losing never really is a realistic option.  The Chargers are trrrbul.  Have the Chiefs clinched the West yet?

Honorable Mention #3 - God's Irrational Hatred of the Buffalo Bills.  Awwww, I'm starting to feel bad for these guys.  They outplayed Baltimore.  They should have won out of principle.  Fuck Ray Lewis and Ed Reed.  Way to make Lee Evans look like a capable NFL player which he is most definitely not.

5. Those guys covering Roddy White and Kenny Britt - At least White is good.  But then again, the Bengals have a sick secondary and 200 yards to one guy is unacceptable.  It's looking more and more like the Bengals were a fluke last season.  Marvin Lewis is as good as fired.  It was nice to see Michael "Jamal Lewis" Turner run the ball without the Stonecutter's boulder attached to his fat ass.  As far as the Eagles go, they just aren't as good as their record.  Kenny Britt is a below average WR and they let him blow up for 225 and 3 with KERRY COLLINS throwing him the ball!  And thank you very much, guy on ESPN Radio Sunday morning, for telling me that the Titans are 0-7 ATS after playing on Monday Night.  Fuck you very much.

4. The Denver Broncos - Without question, this was the most embarrassing loss of the year in the NFL.  As a new member of Raider Nation, it was nice to see my boys hang 59 on these fags in their own building.  Josh McDaniels should be fired for that.  Go ahead and mark back to back wins for Iceman as Kyle Orton sucks.  I have a feeling that once Denver is 3-9, they are going to bench his drunk ass.  We are closing in on the Tim Tebow Era!!!

3. Gene Steratore - I'm getting sick and tired of the referees just making up rules on the fly and guess who benefits from it?  That's right, the team that has caught more breaks in recent history than every other team combined.  Look, Ben fumbled on the 1.  #59 recovered it on the replay.  #59 STOOD UP with the ball in his hand.  Yet this stupid fucking ref (who also officiates basketball in the MAC which makes sense that he's a moron) couldn't figure out who had the ball?  That's bullshit.  Dan Rooney must give great gummy BJ's to Roger Goodell because the sort of shit that goes in the Steelers favor in EVERY close game is maddening.  The Dolphins won that game.  I don't care what you say, Grumpy, Miami got fucked.

2. Drew Brees - Is it about time that we all agree that the Saints just don't have any magic this year and that even if they make the playoffs, they aren't going to do anything anyway?  The Browns are a scrappy bunch led by a newly-svelte Eric Mangini (he looks weird as a skinny fuck), but COME ON!  Who throws two pick sixes to a d-lineman?  Just terrible.  Nice win for the Brownies though.  I wouldn't say that Colt McCoy is a surefire NFL QB yet, but he's not making mistakes and that's all you need to do when the opposing QB is going to keep giving the ball away.  Who dat?  Apparently Browns dat.

1. Jay Cutler - The Bears started 3-0 and have since went 1-3.  Honestly, I would not be shocked if they finished the year 5-11.  What a terrible team.  And what a fucking horrendous game this was.  NINE turnovers total and 6 committed by the Bears.  5 of them came from Cutler himself.  You would think that after the first two picks to DeAngelo Hall, he would stop throwing Hall's way.  But Cutler is stupid and at the end of the day, the Skins win and Jay just made DeAngelo a Pro Bowler.  4 picks!  That's awesome.  And if Albert Haynesworth plays as beastly as he did today for the rest of the year, the Skins are going to win the NFC East.  Next week, it's time to get some revenge on the Lions.  I'm still waiting on McNabb to have a huge game and that defense should provide him the chance to put up a monster.  Oh, and Jay Cutler sucks.  And Lovie Smith is terrible when it comes to coaches challenges.  He cost them 7 points yesterday with his retardery.

Dazz it for this Monday.  Hopefully, next weekend we can get some cleaner play in the league.  And hopefully one of you can tell me what happened to the Greg Lloyd thick-ass facemask.  But even if you can't, at least I'm the new Tuesday guy!

Friday, October 22, 2010

An Evening With James Harrison

I'm rapin' errrrrrrybody out here.
With the whole "scrambled brains" issue being at the forefront of every NFL discussion this week, I figured that The Money Shot should approach the subject as well.  It wouldn't be right if we just ignored it.  While I was debating how to form tackle this topic, it dawned on me:  Why not use my connections to go where we have not gone to here in awhile?  That's right, it's time for another "interview".  And today isn't about me bringing some stupid doctor from Harvard to talk about brain cells and shit.  Nah, you don't want to read that.  We're going straight to the source of this issue.  Gentlemen, please give a warm round of applause for Pittsburgh Steelers OLB, JAMES HARRISON!!!

/dodges large black man trying to headbutt him from across the room

G$:  Whoa, James, settle down!  A handshake is a perfectly normal way to greet people.
G$:  Fair enough.  I'll remember that.  So let's get right into it.  What do you think about 100% of non-Steelers fans labeling your hits last week on Cribbs and Bin Laden as"dirty"?
G$:  To sleep?

G$:  Alright.  I get it.  Calm down there, Jimmy.  But I do have to ask, where you trying to injure those guys?
G$:  But you have to understand why the NFL doesn't take to kindly to your attemped murders on the field, right?

/Harrison puts a Cher wig on my head, punches me in the nose

G$:  Do you feel better?  It's been 20 minutes since your last assault on a female.  So how do you feel about the NFL stating that they will now be suspending players for helmet-to-helmet kill shots?
G$:  I've read that you are considering retirement if you can't continue to cheap shot opposing players.  Is that accurate?

/Hines Ward sneaks up behind me and suckerpunches me in the back of the head

G$:  Whatever.  So you would walk away from the NFL if they take away your ability to break the rules?
G$:  You're a fucking pussy.  No really, fuck you.  This isn't the National James Harrison.  It's the National Football League.  You can't hit defenseless players and then act like YOU are the victim.  This isn't some goddamn witch hunt.  This is how a violent sport tries to protect it's employees.  If you don't get that, then you shouldn't be in the league.  So go ahead and quit, you faggot.  You're a disgrace.  Go take your ball and your dirty play and go home.  "Waaaaaaahhhhh, they won't let me assault people with deadly weapons anymore!  I need the day off from practice so I can suck my own dick, Coach Tomlin."  Fuck you, James.  Fuck you in your dick hole.
G$:  No, bitch, I'm not done.  Sit your fucking ass back down.  You seem too stupid to watch a baseball game but let me explain a nuance to you.  Some pitchers can throw the ball 100 miles per hour.  It is not illegal to hit the batter with said pitch.  Hell, you can hit him in the head with it.  But you better not do that shit on purpose because that can kill a guy.  It's not illegal if it happens, but if you are a headhunter and actively try to do it, you will be suspended.  Because at the end of the day, these guys are just like you...playing sports as a way to support their family.  And taking that away from him just because you want to break someone's face off, that isn't cool.  You can tackle people without killing them much like you can send a message as a pitcher without putting a heater in some guy's ear hole.  Are you getting any of this?  Is this sinking in to you?  Do you need another day off to clean your cunt?

/leaps out of chair head first toward me, I duck, and Harrison goes flying through the wall like The Kool-Aid Man

Hines Ward:  Youle Genelar Tso's Chicken is leady!
G$:  Get the fuck out of here, Charlie.  God, I hate the Steelers.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Winners and Losers From Season 2 of Jersey Shore

Even my computer is a guido.
Well, tonight is a sad night as all of our lovely guidos and guidettes from Jersey Shore are closing out their second season of awesomeness.  This year, they took their very little talent to Souf Beach and the results were delightful.  I'm not sure if I like this year better than their debut season, but it was entertaining nonetheless.  It's time to take a look back at Season 2 though and reflect on it's absurdity with winners and losers.

Pauly D - This guy is just awesome.  Whether he's making up songs about t-shirts or boning skanks, Pauly is outstanding. 
First half The Situation - The first half of the season, Sitch was great.  He's bringing home broads.  He's making amazing Sunday dinners.  He's nailing screamers from Canadia.  He's yelling at Angelina.  Everything that he did was gold.
Fucking - Season 1 only showed the cast making out with other people.  I liked their shift in philosophy this season to more smushing.  It felt better and was way more entertaining.
Acronyms - What is it with these people and initials for everything?  We had GTL, DTF, IFF, MVP, everything had to be broken down to simpler terms.  I still can't remember what IFF stood for except that Ronnie was apparently very IFF.  It probably means that he's gay.
In-House Chick Fights - We were a bit lacking in the fight department this season.  I blame this on moving away from Jersey as those people are all idiots.  But the Snooki/Angelina and J-Woww/Sammi fights were both top notch.  Here, hold my earrings.
Angelina - Yes, you read that right.  I seriously think that she came back to become a star even if it meant that she had to play the villain.  Mission accomplished.  This is not the last that we've heard from her either.  She will be on another reality show...mark my words.

Snooki - She had her moments but she was generally a non-factor all season.  It still cracks me up that she compared Vinny fucking her to squeezing a watermelon into a pinhole.  I just assumed that she could handle a watermelon up there anyway.
J-Woww - I fucking love J-Woww but for some strange reason, she was very tame in Season 2.  It's like she knows that she is a celebrity now and is acting like it...and that's not what I want to see from these people.  More rumbling, please, Jenni Farley.
Sammi - You fucking suck.  You do nothing.  Everytime that you were on camera, you were laying in bed being a piece of shit.  Get bent.
Ronnie - Oh, he had so much promise at the beginning what with his drunkenness, makeout threesomes, and his love for suckerpunching people.  But then he flamed out.  That made me sad.  I really thought that he was going to kill someone after the first two episodes.  Yet he just wasted everyone's time.
High School Drama - Seriously, who writes a fucking note to tell someone that their boyfriend is cheating on them?  I expected more from them.
The Gelato Shop Owner - I felt bad for this guy.  There is no way in fucking Hell that these 8 people were good employees.  They probably brought in business but I'm sure that Snooki ate three tubs of ice cream per shift.
Second half The Situation - Waaaaaaay to creepy and date rapey for my liking.  That was ugly side of him that we've been seeing recently.
Feminine hygiene - Enough said.  You remember that scene.

Vinny - This isn't even close.  Vinny was the biggest pimp in South Beach this season.  He banged the hottest broad even AFTER she stood him up.  And Ramona was absolutely fucking hot.  He nailed everything in sight.  The world now knows that his schlong could land fighter jets.  The gelato guy deemed him "King of the Sandwich".  After a very average season 1, Vinny stepped the fuck up and delivered.  I respect that.  And having an uncle like Uncle Nino only makes him cooler.

Like I said earlier, this was a solid season and I already can't wait for them to return back to Seaside Heights next season.  And for all of you that don't watch this, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Enjoy the finale tonight.  If it's anything like last year's finale, it will be terrible.

Not Done Yet

Why yes, I am ten times better than Austin Jackson!
Don't bury the champs yet, you queefers.  I'm sure that you can't wait to come after the great one.  That's what losers do.  We're going to do this.  We're going to win the pennant.  The Rangers' lack of Marcus Thames is going to catch up to them.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

G$'s College Football Midseason Awards

Les Miles' career makes the 2002 Buckeyes look UNlucky.
Well, we're halfway home on the 2010 college football season.  It feels like it just started yesterday.  I wouldn't say that it's been a great year but we have seen some great moments and the second half is sure to lead to some excellent arguments.  So I figured that today I would take some time to acknowledge some of the best and worst of the first half of the season.

The midseason Heisman winner - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn.  This really isn't that close (at the moment).  His team is undefeated AND he leads the SEC in rushing.  He is a freaking beast.  I would throw LaMichael James and Kellen Moore in the discussion, too, but right now it's Newton's award to lose.

Game of the first half - Boise State/Va Tech.  It started the season off on a great note.  Awesome quarterback play, the little guy proving that they can hang, Dan had it all.

Worst game of the first half - Ohio State/Eastern Michigan.  It felt like it was never going to end.  I still think that they are playing it actually.  And, hey, Jim Tressel, you need to stop thinking that it's good enough to schedule one good OOC game and then three shitballs.  That isn't how it is anymore.  You have to give yourself 2 decent pre-conference tests these days (unless you play in the SEC).  Although maybe with Nebraska on the slate next year that isn't necessary.  Either way, one MAC team is enough.

Best performance in a game - Danario Alexander vs. San Diego.  If you rememeber our preview week, GSaul called Alexander the most underrated player in the nation or something like that.  The problem with that is that Danario is currently playing for the Rams and not Missouri anymore.  Nice research there.  Although he did score last week!

Coach of the first half - Les Miles.  I would have said Mark Dantonio but I have no idea if he is still coaching the team or not.  For as shitty of a game manager that Miles is, it is unbelievable how successful he has been.  Actually, it's infuriating.  This guy has no idea what he's doing yet here is with an undefeated team and a national championship drubbing of the Fuck-Dye's.

Worst coach of the first half - Urban Meyer.  You should have stayed away, asshole.  Now this crappy team is going to be the death of you...literally.  I look forward to the on-field collapse during the middle of your Music City Bowl loss.

Most valuable player of the first half - Andrew Luck.  I really think that Luck and Locker are 1a and 1b for this title.  They mean sooooo much to those teams.  And I will defend Locker here, yes he was terrible against Nebraska.  But the guy plays with big balls and his receivers are horrible.  He's going to be a good pro.  But back to Luck, I give him this half award because without him, Stanford is a bottom-feeder in the Pac-10 as opposed to the potential BCS team that they are now.

Least valuable player of the first half - Stephen Garcia.  I've always hated this guy.  He is rotten.  How can Spurrier not have anyone better than this?  I predicted the Cocks to win the SEC East this year and I stand behind that...but that would have been a much bigger lock without this beaner fucking shit up on a weekly basis.

Most disappointing player of the first half - Terrelle Pryor.  You've been around long enough, fella.  It's time to show us something.  I was wondering if we were going to see Vince Young, Jr. this year.  We aren't.  And now that he's got a bad wheel, we know this to be fact.

Worst decision of the first half - Mack Brown wanting Texas to be a running team.  Awful move.  Just horrible.  They are a finesse team and have been for years.  They don't have the personnel for that.  Maybe I'm still pissed that I lost a ton of money when they get CRUSHED by a bad UCLA team though.  No, it was still a bad decision by the guy who looks exactly like my father-in-law.

Best decision of the first half - RichRod naming Denard the starter.  I'll be honest, I thought that this was stupid before the season began.  And then Denard told me to take my thoughts and shove them up my ass.  Now let's get one thing straight:  Sparty and Iowa have REALLY good defenses.  Just because they have slowed down Robinson does not make him a fraud.  He has been THE signature player with three signature performances in the first 6-7 weeks of the season.  Let's not forget that.  And he's only going to get better.

Best second half storyline - Will Boise St./TCU/Utah get fucked?  This will be the talk that will clog all of sports radio for two months.  Are these three teams more deserving than a one loss BCS conference champion?  It's going to get annoying.  It already is annoying.  First of all, Boise is going undefeated and so is the winner of the Mountain West.  Boise will have the better resume so TCU and Utah are already hosed.  Oklahoma will lose because Stoops is a choker.  Oregon will lose because they suck with pressure on them.  Auburn will probably lose one or two games.  In the end, Alabama will be there waiting.  Who do they play though?  I just can't see the voters putting Boise in.  Eventhough they should.  Voters are dicks.

I would also add that YOUR Miami RedHawks are one of the better stories of the season, too.  Granted, it's a story that no one would ever read but it's on the bookshelf nonetheless.  I have to admit, college football is a lot more enjoyable when your team isn't 1-11.  We have a decent chance of playing in the vaunted Bowl or maybe even the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl!  That's what every kid dreams of.  Enjoy the 2nd half of this strange, fucked-up season.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Oh No, We Suck Again!

(It's funny cause it's true.)

What the fuck is going on in college football? That is a rhetorical question, nobody can possibly know the answer. Remember the Fuckeyes "lights out" -LOLOLOLOL- defense? Remember the blackshirts and Taylor Martinez being unstoppable? Remember Denard Robinson running up 400 yards per game? Well fucking forget it because it means nothing. You know nothing about college football and neither do I.

Deja Vu. Pretty much everything I said about the M/Sparty game can be applied to the M/Iowa game. We left points on the board early again and our defense eventually showed its true colors. No surprise there.

Denard had been looking shaky sense the Indiana game. If he sits in the pocket and can't get the ball out on his first read than he starts to look like Terrell Pryor back there. Denard shouldn't be forced to make multiple reads downfield. Roll him out and give him three options; WR 1, WR 2, or run the fucking ball for 80 yards you freak.

Obviously he is banged up now, but with a week off Denard should be back and healthy. But I'm starting to lean towards getting Tate some more game time. It would give the opposing defense an entire other offense to prepare for. And maybe, just maybe, we could see some packages where both Tate and Denard are on the field at the same time. With no defense our offense has to score every possession. I think it's time for DickRod to open it up more and with a week off before Penn State this would be the perfect time to get that ready.

Iowa isn't that good.

Suck My Jinx. I did it, I fucking did it. Drew saw this coming from a mile away and that makes it all the more sweeter.
"The Fuckeyes will beat Wiscy by 30. Jinx, bitches."
"I don't think the Fuckeyes have much to worry about. They will go into Madison at night and win 49-0."
Yes, those are direct quotes from your favorite bloggers favorite blogger last Tuesday. I fucking did this.

Remember when all you Fuckeye fags were talking about this "lights out" defense? Remember that, you Fuckeye fags? I do. The Wisconsin offensive line bent over Heyward and Co. and repeatedly butt fucked them up and down the field. It was glorious. Don't you forget this Fuckeyes. Your lights out defense got PWNed.

Terrell Pryor is still Terrell Pryor. He's not healthy and without his legs he is Nick Sheridan. But seriously, he's not good. I stand by everything I have ever said about his throwing abilities.

This Is Total BCS!
I'm kidding. I actually have absolutely no problem with the first BCS rankings. Looking at Oklahoma's schedule they deserve to be the number one team right now. And looking at Oregon's body of work they are clearly one of the best two teams in the nation. Boise is fucked, and they should be. Cam Newton is a fucking monster, I take back everything I said about Auburn.

22 Years Ago, Spurrier Ordered Scrambled Garcia Fetuses
I knew Steve Spurrier would do this, I just didn't know he would do it in such brilliant Spurrier fashion. Giving up an 18 point lead and allowing your least favorite QB ever to throw it into double coverage with the game on the line= brilliant Spurrier fashion.

Terrell Pryor...haha.

I would like to apologize to Mr. Bo Pelinil. I cursed you by taking you -9.5 against Texas and I knew what was going to happen. At least the Taylor Martinez=Denard talk can end. 84 total yards against a conference rival is the end.

The ACC is still a dumpster full of diarrhea, and don't you forget it.

Some More Redemption. I sucked last week, deal with it.
Ohio U is fucking awesome. OU -3...I'm only picking this out of hatred for G Money.

For some reason Baylor is almost a TD favorite over Kansas State. I think KSU is a better team and Baylor has no real home field advantage.

Cam Newton can't possibly put together two back to back weeks of pure awesomeness. Lesticles is going to come out on top in this one. LSU +6.

Fuck the Fuckeyes!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Worst of Week Six Vol.IV

You were more interesting when you were played by Chris Farley.
For as great as the Fall is when it comes to sports what with football being in full swing, the baseball playoffs, and both hockey and hoops starting up, it is also the time of year when the worst of society rears it's ugly head.  Yes, I'm talking about political ads.  Look, I don't follow politics.  Personally, I think that it's a waste of time.  We should just gather up all of the extremists and send them to their own fucked up country to watch them kill themselves within weeks.  I don't think that it really matters who "controls" the government because nothing in my life has ever changed based on who is in office.  NO ONE EVER ACCOMPLISHES ANYTHING.  Not one politician has ever not been a complete shithead.  I am convinced of this.

But the worst part of all of this is that there are nothing but political ads on TV and radio now.  And they are all negative and stupid.  And I hate it.  Who falls for this shit anyway?  It is the worst part of a system that already sucks.  Mudslinging is gay.  Why should I care that Republican John Dickbag voted with George W 7 years ago or that Democrat Petey the TaintBomb was once best friends with Nancy Pelosi?  What does that have to do with anything?  TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO IF YOU ARE ELECTED.  Give me a reason to vote for you, not a reason why I should not vote for your opponent.  I hate politics.  It is a filthy business that only employs the greasiest snake oil salesmen in the country.  This I why I should be named King of America.  I would have every politician jailed/raped and America would finally be a utopia where everyone roots for the Yankees and hates Ohio State.  And women wouldn't be allowed to drive.

I would be a great King.  Anyway, let's talk some NFL.  But only the shitty players from the week.  You know the drill.

Honorable Mention #1 - Kevin Kolb.  Nice job of getting your best playmaker on the outside killed.  This is why he sucks.  Sure, he had good numbers and all but at what cost?  I'm pretty sure that DeSean Jackson is missing his head.  When Vick is healthy, he should still be the starter.  Andy Reid is a moron though so he will probably stick with the WR Killer.  It's probably better to kill dogs than it is your stud wide receivers.

Honorable Mention #2 - The Legend Of Deion Branch.  OK, take it easy, Jim Nantz.  Branch isn't a good player.  Just because a horrible Seahawks didn't want him anymore, they traded him to New England for a sack of kicking tees, and he scored this week does not make this some epic story.  So what?  Branch blows.  Is he the worst Super Bowl MVP ever?  Without doing any research at all, I will say yes.

Honorable Mention #3 - Dick LeBeau.  Way to make Colt McCoy look decent, you old fuck.  You should be kicked out of the Hall of Fame for that.

5. Lions Defense - It's been awhile since I've seen a team less disciplined than this bunch.  I think that they average 2 penalties per possession.  They are so dumb.  And the best part of it is, the Lions will do something retarded, the cameras will show Jim Schwarz and his bitchin' aviator shades, and then Jimmy will squeeze 8 f-bombs into a 2 second shot of him.  It's glorious.

4. Jay Cutler - I think it's safe to say that this Bears team is about to fall apart.  Who loses to the Seahawks in their own building?  Correction--who gets dominated by Justin Forsett in their own building?  We've been seeing it gradually building for a few weeks now but it appears that the Mike Martz offense is going to fail yet again.  Of course, I say this now and then this weekend they will probably beat the Redskins by 30.

3. Norv Turner - How the fuck are the Chargers 2-4?  This makes no sense and they do this shit every fucking year.  To be fair, the Rams aren't nearly as horrible as they used to be, but come on...San Diego is a Super Bowl contender (in their minds).  But there is one good thing that comes from these really bizarre losses to inferior teams:  it's always funny to see Philip Rivers make his stupid faces.  That guy is such a queer.

2. The Kyle Orton Express/Tim Tebow - Mark one in the WIN column for The Iceman this week as Orton was a turd sandwich yesterday.  He completed around 40% of his passes and threw for one score (which shouldn't have counted anyway but whatever).  Orton sucks!  Orton rules!  The debate continues.  And let's not forget about Timothy Christ getting into the end zone for the first time as a pro.  I found it pathetic that he was trying to hush the crowd when he was in.  That is such a bitch move.  You do that in college.  This is the NFL, fella, suck it up and deal with the crowd.

1. Wade Phillips/Jason Garrett - Time to get those resumes ready, boys!  I believe that I was one of the few geniuses out there that said that Dallas would not make the playoffs.  Everybody lineup to suck on my big juicy brain.  The Cowboys are done.  They are undisciplined (see the stupid Miles Austin celebration penalty).  They have no identity (see their stupid playcalling on offense).  They are fundamentally poor (see everything about the team).  And it all starts at the top.  Jerry Jones isn't going to fire himself eventhough he IS the problem and now Wade will take the fall.  But it should be Garrett.  He has ruined that offense with his finesse faggotry.

I'm sure that I'll have something else to add after the Sunday Nighter.  But for now, I need to dig up some dirt on commenter Drew.  I heard a rumor that his middle name is Hussein which means that he flew an airplane into the World Trade Center.  Both of them.  And lived to comment here on a daily basis.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Teach Me How To Bucky

Fuck you, Ohio State.  How did that rape feel?  It looked like it hurt.  Never forget that you suck.  I will leave it at that because I'm sure that Ace is foaming at the mouth as he prepares for Tuesday's post or as I like to call it, the corronation of Terrelle Pryor as the Greatest Of All Time.  He's definitely more of a GOAT fucker than he is the GOAT.  Eat shit.  Go Badgers.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Even If You Don't Care, Just Remember That You Don't Matter

I would trade painted nipples for a face shot any day.
I don't care about what the haters say, playoff baseball is a quality watch.  And both of these championship series should be incredibly entertaining.  But I realized something last still matters no matter how cool it is to say that it sucks. 

On Friday night, 24 hours after the Twins were swept away, I'm walking through the Minneapolis airport.  They have TV's set up at every other gate like most airports.  It's usually set to CNN or Headline News or whatever else.  Not there.  EVERY TV had the Reds/Phillies game 2.  And 90% of the people at the gates were hooked to the screen.  It was bizarre.  Also, and Tony B can confirm this, the entire goddamn city of San Francisco stopped whenever the Giants played.  Everyone was wearing Giants shit.  Sunday afternoon while we were getting ready to leave the taco bar, the noise coming from Giants fans was fucking deafening.  There were thousands of Niners fans clogging up the concourse watching the final innings of game 3.  We went out for BBQ on Monday night and the place blew up when Brian Wilson got the final out to lock up the series.  I had some old ass Asian lady working at Target ask me who won and then did a big fist pump when I told her that the Giants were moving on.  It was borderline creepy but showed me one still matters.

And that's the thing.  The two biggest baseball poo-pooers here are Iceman and Ace.  That's fine.  Maybe the sport isn't their cup of meat.  But baseball doesn't care what two guys from northwest Ohio think.  It never has.  It's never tried to.  They crave the buzz generated this year in SF and Minnesota and Cincinnati and the exact opposite of what Rays fans did.  While ratings have consistently been trending downward over the years, I can assure you all that baseball is alive and well where it matters the big cities outside of Miami, Cleveland, and Tampa.

I hope that that made some semblance of sense.  It really is hard to describe how cool it was to go to different places and witness how much they love their teams and the game itself.  Anyway, let's get some predictions going since the ALCS begins tonight.

Let's get some body paint on this fucking manatee.
 NLCS:  Giants @ Phillies
Thoughts - On paper, this could be one of the best series you'll see.  The pitching is, for lack of a better word, tits.  Personally, I won't be missing both games that Halladay and Lincecum are facing off against each other.  They are arguably the two best pitchers in baseball.  But I a major problems here that could hurt the NLCS.  Actually, I see a few that could hurt the shelf life and watchability of this series.  1. The Giants could barely score off of Derek Lowe and he blows.  What are they going to do against three of the best pitchers in the league?  2. Joe Blanton is for some reason getting the ball in game 4 and he eats farts.  I want to think that the Giants can hang here but I just don't see it.  There are just too many automatic outs in that lineup while the Phillies are a complete team.  In fact, I'll go out on a limb here...
Verdict - Phillies in 4
Did you know? - Cole Hamels' wife, Heidi Strobel, was on Survivor and you don't have to search hard to find her fine ass from when she was in Playboy.  Do yourself a favor and enjoy her nakedness.

Real Yankees fans have chinstrap beards, whore!
ALCS:  Yankees @ Rangers
Thoughts - This could not have worked out better for the Yankees.  They blew through their series and then the Rangers dragged their feet before sending the Rays packing.  I don't care what Tyrone Biggums says, he should have pitched Lee on three days rest in game 4 to try and get that series over with on Sunday.  And now he's fucked.  Texas isn't going to beat the Yankees unless Lee starts three games.  You can't beat them by throwing CJ Wilson, Colby Lewis, and Tommy "MILF" Hunter five times.  If this series was happening ten years ago, when the Yankees were totally in the Rangers' heads, I would pick a sweep.  But times have changed.  Texas has good sticks but they aren't what the Rays have.  Josh Hamilton is a total bitch for forcing his team to celebrate with Canada Dry.  I guarantee that Tyrone had a nice pile of coke after the win, Hamilton should have sucked it up.  As far as my Yankees go, I really have no worries right now other than horrendous defense of Jorge Posada.  The rotation appears to have figured itself out.  Phil Hughes has been lights out in his career against Texas.  They've been here before and the Rangers haven't.  Playoff saavy goes a long way.  I'll give Cliff Lee a win but that's as far as I'll go.
Verdict - Yankees in 5
Did You Know? - AJ Burnett is fucking terrible.  Oh, you knew that already?  Huh, I thought that I was breaking news there.  If I was Unfrozen Caveman Manager, and I'm so happy that I am not, I would just start AJ against Lee.  Just accept the loss and burn your shittiest starter against the guy that you can't beat.

In the end, we all know this is going to happen.  The Yankees and Phillies are going to meet in the World Series again.  They are the two best teams with the biggest stars.  Admit it, you want to see it.  Probably because the Phils will more than likely win.  And you all love it when I'm sad.  Dicks.

This Guy Sucks

You're gay.
If you don't watch Big Brother, just go ahead and skip this post.  If you aren't going to skip it and want to know more about this muscly bitch, then fair enough.  This is Jessie Godderz.  He was on two seasons of Big Brother and never advanced very far because he was such a sack of dicks.  He's like 5'5" or something which makes his juiced-up gorilla body even funnier.  And he just got hired.

Big Brother star Jessie Godderz has reportedly been offered a TNA Developmental deal, where he will train at the Team 3D Wrestling Academy until being called up to Impact.

If my memory serves me, TNA is something like the #2 promotion going right now.  And this is the kind of hire that will bankrupt them.

I bet that you were wondering what Jessie's gimmick is going to be, weren't you?  Pro wrestling is a world where shitty characters are a dime a dozen.  Doink The ClownSkinnerRepo ManThe Gobbledy-Gooker.  Jessie's may take the proverbial cake though.  Everyone, please meet "Mr. Pectacular".  Seriously.  That is terrible.  I hate you, Jessie.  Chris Benoit should have suffocated you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Dealing With Brett Favre's Dick

I have a problem.  I'm not good.
How's THAT for an attention grabber of a headline?  Since I wasn't around the computer much over the past few days, I didn't really get a chance to weigh on the juicy topic of Brett Favre sending cock shots to his peers.  Now, I wasn't in San Fran for THAT long to sit here and wax poetic about the intricacies and vein-iness of his dong, but I would like to spend the day discussing the ramifications of this most excellent form of sexual harrassment and general fucktardery.  I have five thoughts on this whole "Cockgate".  I'm sure that I could sum things up just by saying, "the guy is a loser and a scumbag and now I know this to be a 100% fact", but that makes for a shitty post with no dick jokes and crass humor.  I won't go that route.  In this instance, I'm going to use 1000 words to say what I could easily do in 10.  My thoughts:

1. He got caught - And now he doesn't know what to do.  He's in the exact same boat as Roger Clemens is currently floating to the bottom of the ocean in.  There is no easy way out of this.  The voicemails are very obviously his voice.  We know this because there is no one on the planet retarded enough to copy his dialect.  I have no idea if that is his dinger or not but I sure as hell know that it doesn't belong to Visanthe Shiancoe.  I think my favorite part of finding out that this is true is that his little bitchboy buddy, Ryan Longwell, came narcing to the press that Favre tearfully apologized to the team for this.  That is a really shitty "friend" by the way.  But then again, who cares what a scumbag like Favre thinks of you?

You are way too hot for Brett's old man dick.
2. He has terrible game - I assume that you all listened to his messages left for Jen Sterger.  I've never heard worse pick-up lines than what he was spouting off.  "We just got done with practice and uh and uh I would uh love it uh if you uh stopped by the room tonight uhhhhhhhhh."  I'm married and admittedly have no game at all.  If I suddenly became single tomorrow, I would have no fucking clue where to start.  But I guarantee that I could nail Sterger before Favre could.  Me saying "your tits are amazing" is a better line than "just got out of meetings uhhhh call me when you get the chance durrrrrrrrrrrr."

3. He is a great husband - We're all naive if we think that pro athletes don't have something working on the side.  It happens.  Him trying to get some strange isn't surprising.  Favre leaving a trail of evidence asking to get busted his breast cancer-surviving wife is a whole other thing.  What an asshole.  If I learned one thing from the former awesome ESPN show, Playmakers, it's that you have some flacky get your ass for you and you never contact the whore yourself (also don't be addicted to crack if you are a starting running back).  Dude, you are Brett Favre.  Why are you begging for sex from someone who has probably blown 80% of the Florida State Seminoles.
Please take him for everything he owns, you sexy bitch.

4. He has great karma - Anyone else happy that this piece of shit has an elbow ready to fall off?  I think that that is the best part of this whole saga.  He tried to put it behind him and focus on the game Monday night and he ended up getting hurt and losing the game in the 4th quarter.  Maybe Dwight Lowery should send Brett a pic of his dick this week?  Or he could ask Santonio to do it.  Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Rex Ryan made his entire team send 53 cock shots to Favre.

5. He should be suspended - This week, we're getting the return of Big Ben.  Ben was obviously suspended for putting himself in terrible situations and being a drooling retard.  He got 4 games for that.  Favre is guilty.  We know this.  He embarrassed the league with his behavior of sexually harrassing an employee.  This isn't the first time that he disgraced the NFL either.  I haven't forgotten about his fake retirements, his desire to skip training camp everywhere, and, you know, HIS ADDICTION TO PAIN PILLS!  If Favre doesn't get at least two games off, then Roger Goodell should be fired.  And I'm dead serious.  Obviously I don't get superstar treatment, but if I sent a co-worker of mine a picture of my taint, I'm pretty sure that I'd be fired within five minutes of pressing "SEND".

I don't think that I'm being hypocritical at all here to be honest.  Sure, I hate Favre just like the next guy, but that doesn't mean that this is just Brett "being a kid out there".  This is borderline criminal behavior (maybe not...I'm not a lawyer).  But you know that Goodell won't do anything about it.  Although you know damn well that if the dick-sender was black, he'd throw an 8 game suspension at him.

One time, Mr. Ace sent me a picture text of his testicles.  It was horrendous.  Some things can't be unseen.  That is one of them.  Drew has admitted to taking pictures of his shits and sending them to his buddies.  Also, very awful.  Can you imagine getting a message from Brett Favre strangling Li'l Brett?  Terrible.  This shouldn't need to be said but I'll say it anyway:

Men, no one wants to see your dicks and shit.  And Brett Favre jacks off in hotel beds using the comforter as a catcher's mitt.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

How Long Can I Use Jet Lag As An Excuse?

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Ace!
I'm back, men.  My butthole is still a virgin.  I am determined that for every hour that one spends in an airport, they lose a day off of their life.  Because wasting a day travelling sucks big balls.  I've got a few stories today:  Delta sucks, you don't look gay, bikes are for fags, the Blue Angels can eat shit, the NFL is terrifying, the vomit heard round the world, and of course, the greatest purchase of my life.  Let's get going because I've got something like 8 hours of TV to get in tonight.

Delta Sucks - Now God dammit, any flight that is going to be longer than 2 hours should ALWAYS have a TV option for passengers.  Our flight from Minny to SF had no such luck.  That is such bullshit.  It's a 3 and a half hour fucking flight!  Also, we took off late because a plane in SF had broken down and was sitting at our gate.  We land 210 long minutes later and the plane was still there and they had no gate for us to go to.  We had to sit on the runway for another hour with still nothing to watch.  Horrible.  Thankfully, we flew United back and they actually showed me the respect that I deserve with some shitty "the plump fuck from Superbad" movie.  I can't think of his name.  Jonas something.  The movie was terrible and they followed it with an episode of How I Met Your Mother which made me laugh about as much as Kathy Griffin.  But at least it was something.

You don't look gay - We always hear about how open and out of the closet SF is but I honestly had a hard time picking out the alternatives.  Sure, the guys with the Freddie Mercury mustaches and the skinny jeans are obvious queers, but other than that they fooled me.  Except for the guy sitting next to me on the plane who was reading a book by the criminally unfunny Chelsea Handler.  That was waaaay too homo.  Well played, gays.

Bikes are for fags - The missus thought that it would be fun to rent bikes and ride across the Golden Gate Bridge.  I thought that it was a good idea eventhough I haven't been on a bike since college (when I almost got run over by a car when my tire popped in the middle of the fucking street).  The rental place advertised that it was an easy ride.  FUCK THAT.  Do you realize how hilly SF is?  Agony!  It was a treacherous ten or so mile course that blew ass, chafed my thighs like nobody's business, made my ass sorer than a gay man who was just deflowered, and allowed me to showcase one of the finer sweaty t-shirts in California history.  I hate riding a bike.  It's stupid.  Awesome scenery though once we got on the bridge.
The Blue Angels can eat shit - We rented those bikes on Saturday afternoon around the same time as an air show was going on.  It was basically three hours of the Blue Angels doing tricks with hundreds of thousands of drooling retards thinking that it's cool.  AIR SHOWS ARE GAY.  I believe that it was on an episode of The Simpsons where they claimed that the Blue Angels are the biggest waste of the American Taxpayer's dollars.  I couldn't agree more.  What is the point of these guys?  Are they combat pilots?  And why do those jets have to be so fucking loud.  I'm not saying that I'm rooting for these guys to crash into each other, but I'm not NOT saying that either.  Get fucked, Blue Angels and everyone who enjoys their pointlessness.

The NFL is terrifying - I already mentioned on Monday about my on-field thoughts of the Eagles/Niners game.  What I didn't discuss was the environment surrounding the game.  First of all, Candlestick Park is not only the worst venue I've ever been in.  It might be the worst BUILDING that I've ever been in.  What a dump.  The concourse is about three feet wide.  The formerly red seats are now pink.  You can't hear the PA announcer because there are only about two working speakers.  The "jumbotron" is a 32 inch TV behind the goalpost.  It's embarrassing.  Willie fucking Mays played there!  Why has that shithole not been torn down yet?  Let's not forget about the fans though.  Raiders fans get a label for being fighters but I was impressed with the scrappiness of the Niners faithful.  There were about 12-15 fights over the course of the game just in the 3-4 sections that I could follow.  When you have an overly ethnic fanbase like the 49ers sharing sections with idiotic Eagles fans, it's going to be a bloodbath.  And in case you were wondering at what point in the game I saw the first Philly fan throw a punch...the answer is 17 minutes BEFORE kickoff.  It was rough.  I thought that I was going to get stabbed.  And then I realized the big difference between the college and pro the NFL, you run the severe risk of bleeding out in your seat.
The vomit heard 'round the world - I should also mention that at some point in the second quarter, the drunk latina sitting behind me puked ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Somehow she did not get any on me (or so She$ says).  It was nasty.  Odd experience, that game was.  Very odd.  Honestly, I wouldn't recommend it.  Unless you like it when some chica unloads a gallon of cerveza and tacos inches from your head.  You might like that.

The best purchase ever - So on our last night, I realize that I had yet to buy myself anything as a souvenir.  I'm trolling through a few stores until I see what I need.  I must have it.  I bought it.  I now proudly own a "RAIDER NATION" t-shirt.  Who's going to fuck with a guy who is a Raiders fan?  They probably think that I'm a convicted felon or some shit.  I love this shirt.  I wore it through the airports yesterday and I'm 100% positive that everyone was afraid of me.  NWA!  Al Davis!  G$!
In conclusion, good trip.  Good birthday gift.  Good to see Tony B again.  I could not recommend San Francisco as a vacation destination any more.  It's a great city.  Just stay out of Oakland.  I would move to California in a heartbeat if some sort of weirdo opportunity presented itself.  Like King of the Gays or something similar.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Just Desharted

(And this is why I hate them. They're too stupid to even vandalize properly.)

This is gonna sting a little. The Fuckeyes looked good. I thought Chappell would be able to throw it around a little more, but that's what I get for using what I see an offense do against Michigan and trying to apply it to a different game. Pryor looked solid, even though he threw up some ducks that probably wouldn't have ended so nicely against a team with an actual defense. Oregon struggled, the Fuckeyes deserve to be #1 in the polls right now. The Fuckeyes will beat Wiscy by 30. Jinx, bitches.

However, if I were a Fuckeye, that O-line play would still be scaring the shit out of me. Indiana's defense was about as bad as Michigan's and they were still getting penetration at will. Seems like a team like Iowa--and hopefully Wiscy-- stacks up favorably against the Fuckeyes. Just saying.

Denard vs The World. Well, we lost to Sparty again. But I really wasn't that pissed off about it. I knew exactly what our defense was and I knew our offense would have to put up over 35 to win. Denard made about six bad throws in that game and Sparty made good plays on three of them. They capitalized on his mistakes and that is what it will take to stop Michigan's offense. Denard was making all the right decisions out there, but was just slightly off on a couple of throws. I honestly wasn't discouraged with his performance. It seemed like we had them on the ropes in the first quarter. If it weren't for the first interception in the end zone and Denard overthrowing Stonum the next drive Michigan probably wins handily. But we didn't. But I'm okay with that. Sort of.

I was discouraged with the playcalling, again. I have no idea why Denard was not turned loose to run all over. Seemed like DickRod was holding him back and wanted the backs to get more carries. Michigan had made a killing by lining up in a heavy set and running Denard to the strong side and for some reason that wasn't used much Saturday. But then, down 17 with around six minutes to play, 4th & 10, we fucking punt the ball. DickRod would later say it was the wrong call and he was trying to get the players attention to change the play. To which I say, "CALL A FUCKING TIMEOUT, ASS HOLE!" The game was all but over at that point, but that decision just shows how fucking stupid he can be at times.

I can't wait for the Sparty love to get out of control. I wasn't much more impressed with them than I was with Indiana. There DB's caught the ball when it hit them in the hands. That was the difference in this game. They didn't shut down our offense. Michigan moved the ball up and down the field all day. Their offense is fine, but they played against Michigan's defense so 500+ yards really means nothing. Sparty will tank, it's what they do.

Mark my words, Iowa is going to get Denarded. Iowa isn't coming out of the Big House with a win next week.

I Know How to Work a Poll. I don't normally look into the poll and critique it, but seeing Bama ranked a couple spots ahead of South Carolina is just retarded. SC truly dominated that game. Bama has no business being ahead of them at this point.

And why is Nebraska not getting first place votes? TCU, Boise, and Oklahoma all have at least one.

Auburn is not the seventh best team in the country...they're the fifth best team in the SEC.

Steve Spurrier, founder of the Sabortion.
It's good to see the Ol' ball coach having some success, finally, at SC. The talent is there now, he just has to find a way not to fuck it up. Alshon Jeffery is the best WR in the country right now and Marcus Lattimore is making a case for himself as the best RB. I bet Saban raped an orphanage Saturday night.

Derek fucking Dooley? Tennessee wasn't expected to be good this year...but fuck. They are rotten. Is Derek Dooley really the best that Rocky Top could come up with? Tennessee is a top ten coaching position and they had to settle on some cockboy from La Tech who only got that job because of his father in the first place. Embarrassing.

If you didn't already know this, Miami isn't good. The Fuckeyes will have to wait til next week to try to find a win they can hang their hats on. If FSU beats you by 28, you don't belong in the Top 25...ever.

Marvin Austin was dismissed from the Tarheels yesterday. If Marvin Austin were a normal college student and acting in his best interests then he would be applauded. He's a football player, so he is singled out and punished. The NCAA is bullshit. They make millions, even billions, off of the labor of these kids and then take everything away from them the moment they do something for their own cause. Bullshit.

Time for Redemption.
Kentucky is 3-0 ATS at home. South Carolina is coming off there biggest win in forever. I don't trust Spurrier to maintain the momentum. UK +6.

On the other hand, I totally trust Nebraska--which will likely be their kiss of death. I don't think two scores will be hard for Nebraska to cover. Nebraska -9.5.

Air Force is a one point favorite over San Diego State. Yeah, I will take Air Force.

Florida is still Florida. The public is overreacting and has driven the line down from -9.5 to -6.5. I will take Florida at the Swamp -6.5.

Funny story. I was doing some volunteer campaigning yesterday, aka walking 10 miles and passing out meaningless literature. I am totally against what this person stands for, but this person is my grad school advisor and kissing this persons ass now could pay dividends down the road. Whatever. So I am walking up to this house to drop off some BS and I startle this guy who is working on his house. I say, "Excuse me sir, didn't mean to startle you." A lady comes out of the house and says, "Jennifer, are you about done with that?" I turn around, and the person I was 100% was a man turns out to be the female twin of Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. I just walked away without saying a word. Needless to say, I don't anticipate gaining their vote.