Friday, May 28, 2010

Goin' South

Hey fuckers, I almost forgot to mention that I'm hopping a flight to south Florida today for the long weekend. It's what our forefathers would have wanted. And I'll tell you what, after the week that I've had, I could use a little mini-vacation. I'm taking my sticks with me, too. I'm tired of tearing up golf courses in Ohio, dammit. I need to make (and not replace) divots in a different state!

Fear not, Ace will be back on Tuesday with his usual questionable material. We aren't quitting. We aren't hanging up our blogging shoes like Mark Titus eventhough he only writes twice a month. Pussy. Seriously, you write twice a fucking month! Enjoy this broad's backside and the three day weekend.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Rich Rodriguez: A Real Life Jack Bauer

(Rich Rodriguez saying his final goodbye and thank you to Chloe and Tony Almeida's Cubs coffee mug)

24 closed down shop on Monday night after an up-and-down, yet strong finish to season 8. I loved the first four seasons of the show, hated seasons 5-7, and came back full circle for Jack's final stand this season. What was different? Oh, I don't know for sure. Maybe it's because they let him be a cold-blooded killing machine again? Maybe it was that Steven Root is STILL rotting away inside the walls of CTU? Maybe it was Hassan's hair that added 18 inches to his height? Maybe it was an appearance by Don "The Matador" Everest from Tilt (AKA Michael Madsen)? Whatever it was, the show was usually entertaining and will be missed on Monday nights in the Money household.

But it got me thinking, for as awesome as Jack was and is, rarely did anyone believe in him. He was ALWAYS right yet only 3-4 people ever trusted him. You would think that after all he did and all that he sacrificed, no one would ever doubt him. All he wanted is for good to prevail and for his family to be safe. What he got in return was the government, in which he worked so hard for, putting a shoot-to-kill order on him. The President was after him. A former President was after him. The Russians were going to eat his face off. Somali pirates were OK with him though. He basically had to take on the world by himself. And you know what, in the end, he still won.

And I kind of see some of those same parallels with RichRod at Michigan. While some of it is deserved and self-induced, he is getting dumped on by EVERYONE. Everything is his fault apparently. Now I'm not even close to being an expert on Michigan football, but from what I gather, all the guy is trying to do is to do what they brought him in to do: win football games with his style of play.

From what I can tell, he hasn't made excuses for his shortcomings. It is still a work in progress. Regardless of what the fanbase may want, you don't go from slow, plodding, outdated Lloyd Carr shit to quick hitting, big play Rich offense over night. You can't even do that in one season. It takes time. When he was hired, everyone said this and knew this. Yet for some reason, he isn't getting that time anymore. It's quite evident that he is on the hot seat. For what though? Bringing a dying program into the 21 Century and breaking a few minor rules (yes, they are very minor).

It appears that no one in the athetlic department seems to back Rich. The Free Press fucking hates the guy and has no problem making the smallest little story into a national disaster. The fanbase is buying into all this shit, too. It's laughable to me that Rodriguez took the blame for the "over-practicing" debacle in which UM has recently tried to punish themselves for. Yeah, he's the fall guy. Why aren't people blaming the real assholes here? Every athletic department in the country has a fucking NCAA COMPLIANCE DEPT.! Making sure that coaches and players at the university follow the rules IS THEIR FUCKING ONLY JOB. They should punish themselves for allowing this to happen. They knew about these long practices on Sundays yet they did nothing. Fire those fucking people!

Is Rich the cleanest guy in the world? Of course not. Who could forget about his outstandingly awkward break-up with West F'n Virginia? But is he to blame because Michigan's entire athletic department is a divided joke? Hell no. He's a football coach, not a rules interpreter. His job, much like Jack's, is to get the job done. Sometimes, in order to get the desired results, you may need to turn down a dark alley or two. It's part of the job of being a successful coach. Now, he hasn't been getting the job done so far and he would probably be the first person to admit that. Two straight seasons with no bowl game is unacceptable for that program. But they appear to be trending in the right direction and isn't that what you want to see? It's not like this program was racking up national titles before he got there.

So consider me the lone crusader on the RichRod bandwagon. It's getting old watching the man take the blame for every little thing that goes wrong in the state of Michigan. You know, maybe it would be for the best if they fired him so that he could move on to a place with less fuck-ups running and supporting his program. Maybe that dickbag from Domino's will call him up after the season and let him know that he needs to disappear since the university, the media, and the fanbase are all after him. And they will destroy him if he sticks around. Give him the Jack Bauer ending. Let him know that you appreciate everything that he did but it's time for him to disappear into the shadows. They won't do that though. There is no chance in Hell that these people will let Rich out of town without one last smear campaign.

Michigan fans...can't live with 'em and they can't pee standing up.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Why Vets Are The Best People In The World

If you follow me on Facebook, you probably read this past weekend that I was asking for prayers. Well, I was. Below is the story of what could have been the worst weekend of my life and thanks to some vets who went above and beyond, it was just a really shitty weekend instead.

Saturday was supposed to be an all-day bonding experience between myself and the puppy. I had to work in the morning but was just biding my time until I could take the little dude on a walk at the park, give him a big bone, and hopefully tire him out enough so that I could watch the Yankees/Mets game that night. But that never happened.

She$ had a bridal shower/bachelorette party to go in the afternoon which was why I was on dogsitting duty. As she was trying to shimmy out the door with a big gift in her arms, Alex escaped between her legs. He was free in the backyard. Now, he had done this before and ran through our neighbor's yards, but eventually he stopped to lick a neighbor and we corralled him. This time, we weren't so lucky. He darted off again and I'm trying to chase him but I was barefoot and he is much faster than me. And then it happened and it sickens me to type this next paragraph.

He raced toward the road (a 45 mph road). The wife and I watched this unfold, both of us fearing the worst. And then the worst happened. We watched it happened. It was a scene that I wish that I could un-see. Alex got clipped by an SUV. Let me tell you, the sound of the impact and then him howling is a sound that will NEVER escape my mind. It will terrify me until the day that I die. It was awful. We helplessly watched our little puppy get hit by a car.

Somehow, we kept our heads. She ran to tend to him while I went and got a car. When I pulled up, a few of the people living across the street were helping as much as they could and I thank them for that. Alex was panting but you could tell that he was hurt and hurt bad. So I wrapped him up in a blanket, lifted him into the backseat of my car, prayed for this not to end this way, and headed off to the vet that was a few miles down the road. They took him in right away and started analyzing the damage. He definitely had a dislocated hip but nothing was broken amazingly. They were unsure of any internal damage which we were told was the real obstacle so they did what they could and sent the three of us up to an emergency room for animals.

Once there, they took him in right away while we waited for a few hours so that the doctor could let us know what she thought. He had blood in his urine so they were concerned about a torn bladder. His right lung was bruised and was filled with fluid. They let us visit with him but there was nothing more that we could do. They sent us home.

That was the longest night of my life. I cried. She$ cried. We were devastated. How could we let this happen? There were just so many unknowns at that moment and we were helpless.

In the morning, I called back in to check and see how he was doing. They fluid wasn't lessening at all in his lung and there was still the issue of what to do with his hip. Now, as any pet owner knows, vet bills are not cheap (by the way, thanks Obama for the homebuyer money...that really helped a lot). We were fully prepared to do whatever it takes, but in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think that at some point we may have to draw the line. I didn't discuss this with the wife because we still didn't know anything, but just THINKING in worst case scenarios was eating me up inside.

Sunday afternoon, I had to umpire a doubleheader. I didn't want to be there at all but it was better to be doing that than sitting around the house making myself go crazy. But Alex was on my mind the whole time. I barely spoke above a whisper for those two games. They went fine though and when they ended, I was to meet the missus at the hospital to visit with him. This is when I started to get really nervous. What if the doctor tells us that our only hope is a surgery that costs 10K? We can't afford that!

We walk into a visitation room and they carry him in. He was so happy that he peed all over the table. That was definitely a good sign. Then the doc brought it strong. She told us that he was going to make it. I started crying as soon as she said it. I couldn't help it and I didn't give a shit. His urine was clear which meant no bladder issues. He had some bad road rash but they have antibiotics for that. His fluid was decreasing. The hip was still out but they weren't going to do anything until his lungs were stable. But things were looking good.

Monday morning, we find out that they were going to do the hip procedure that day. OUTSTANDING! We had three options: they could just pop it back into place but there was no guarantee that it would stay in, they could place a pin in there but also no guarantee, or they could fuse the bone back into socket in which, while more expensive, is never going to come out again. We went with option 3. And they did it. And everything is eventually going to get back to normal again.

Alex came back home to us last night. I was greeted with a wagging tail when I walked through the door. Eventhough I went without that for two+ days, I missed it. He has to wear one of those stupid cones on his head for two weeks before he gets his stitches out, but I'm glad he's back. It could have been so much worse. So SO much worse. But he's a tough little guy and now that I know that an SUV going 45 mph can't stop him, I don't know what can.

I do want to give all the credit in the world to all the people who helped us through this. The vet staff was just amazing. While I wish that they didn't have to prepare us for worst case scenarios, they truly do the Lord's work. I have so much respect for anyone who works with animals. They see people at their absolute worst every day yet still have to smile. It has to be hard. I could never do it.

The wife and I haven't really told many people outside of our families about this so I want to thank you for letting me get this offf of my chest. It has been a really rough past 4 days in our household. Eventhough we still have a way to go as far as being fully recovered (and for Alex's faggot dad to put up a fucking fence), things are finally going to be moving back to normal. I'm tired of not wanting to eat. I love eating!

Guys, I'm still not 100% ready to keep it tasteless in the comments (and I was thinking about closing them down today), so I just ask that you keep it clean today. This was really, really hard for me to write since it's something that I want to forget about some day. Thank you all.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Those Damn Mormons Strike Again


Let's say your college football team's all-time leading rusher, after just three seasons, wanted to return for his senior season. Then let's say your college football team denied that player the opportunity to come back because he broke the Code of Conduct. The exact conduct that disallowed the player from returning is not mentioned in detail. What would you guess his actions must be for him to not be allowed back on the team, or back at the university? Child molestation? Seventh DUI? Child Porn Producer? Meth lab technician? Face fucking an on-duty campus policeman?

Well, if you guessed coital act with your girlfriend then you are correct. Harvey Unga is BYU's leading rusher after rushing for over 1,000 yards a year in his first three seasons. Last month he unexpectedly withdrew, supposedly to avoid punishment for breaking the Latter Day Saints honor code at BYU. Turns out his girlfriend/fiancee withdrew also. It's pretty obvious he was banging his girlfriend and she likely got pregnant. On any other campus it is a requirement for the top football player to get at least four women pregnant throughout their tenure--and punching at least two in the stomach to avoid being a father. Well, BYU isn't just any college campus.

I know that a person has to choose to go to BYU so they should accept the consequences, that's fine. But I just want to point out how fucking insane this honor code is and see how many of you would have enjoyed attending college there.

Would any of you have enjoyed attending a school that had a dress code like this?
Men: A clean and well-cared-for appearance should be maintained. Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting. Shorts must be knee-length or longer. Hairstyles should be clean and neat, avoiding extreme styles or colors, and trimmed above the collar, leaving the ear uncovered. Sideburns should not extend below the earlobe or onto the cheek. If worn, moustaches should be neatly trimmed and may not extend beyond or below the corners of the mouth. Men are expected to be clean-shaven; beards are not acceptable. Earrings and other body piercing are not acceptable. Shoes should be worn in all public campus areas.

Women: A clean and well-cared-for appearance should be maintained. Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, strapless, backless, or revealing; has slits above the knee; or is form fitting. Dresses, skirts, and shorts must be knee-length or longer. Hairstyles should be clean and neat, avoiding extremes in styles or colors. Excessive ear piercing (more than one per ear) and all other body piercing are not acceptable. Shoes should be worn in all public campus areas.
Based on dress code alone I would have been kicked out on the first day. No fucking beards? I shave once every two weeks at the most. But that's not even the worst of it. G Money has commented several times that BYU has the hottest cheerleaders on earth. Click the link and look at all that slam piece potential. Apparently there dress code doesn't apply to cheerleading skirts, but can you imagine having to watch ladies like that walking around all day not even being allowed to show their knee or elbow, let alone bulging cleavage and ass cheeks. Strike 1, BYU.

Now take a look at the rest of this Honor Code:
Be honest
Live a chaste and virtuous life
Obey the law and all campus policies
Use clean language
Respect others
Participate regularly in church services
I don't know entirely what chaste and virtuous life means, but I can tell they suck, unlike the ladies at BYU--ZING! "Be honest." I would honestly blow my face off if I had to spend more than one hour in the state of Utah. "Respect others." Fuck that, fags. "Use clean language." Umm...fuck that, fags. "Participate regularly in church services." I would rather fuck myself in the ass with Steve Young's dildo. Strike 2, BYU.

Then, they just cross the line:
Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse.
So you're telling me I can't fuck, even though I am surrounded by smoking hot coeds. I can't curse, even though everything about the school pisses me off. And I can't grow a beard, yet there is really no reason for me to shave since I can't fuck. You pile all this on top of me and think you can take away booze? Get fucked. I would need 12 Cobra's a day just to stop me from going all Charles Whitman up in that bitch. Game over, BYU.

Why would an 18 year old pay money to attend a University like that? And if most of the students really follow these rules then why haven't they won five National Titles? Seriously. You don't have shit else to do. You can't harm your body with drugs and alcohol. You can't chase tail. You would think that BYU would be some type of robot/alien army that destroys any team that gets in its way, kind of like Village of the Damned.

Think about all of your greatest college memories--or lack or memories-- and then think about what college would have been without them. Yeah, you just realized what it would be like to go to BYU.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Recorda Disorder

Post-college, I unfortunately moved back home for a year. In the summer of 2004 though, I packed up my belongings and made the two hour trek east to set up shop in Cleveland. I lived their for two years and it was good for me. I grew as a person and sort of figured out what I wanted in that time frame. Today's tales take place during that two year stretch. They are outstanding in their thuggishness.

Background: The office where I worked for a good chunk of those two years was mostly staffed by "young professionals" as DeWit would say. However, there were always a couple of, shall we say, "Urban Americans" under employ there as well to help out with grunt work and other such nonsense. The three main dudes who did these things were named LeBryon (who made me buy his rap album which has still never been opened), Slim (led the league in sexually harrassing the women in the office), and Rick (who this post will be centered around). They were good (and nice) guys regardless of the fact that I shared nothing in common with any of them. Although I did give LeBryon a ride to a drug deal once...that was interesting. And he also informed me what crack smelled like. He was quite the character.

Rick, who I later found out was really named "Recorda", was quite an interesting fella. He was always late, usually surly, and seemed to be constantly one minute away from throwing down. So to combat his tardiness, and since I lived closest to the project in which he squatted, my boss made me pick him up every morning and take him home at night. I fought against this as hard as I possibly could since, while my own complex was not necessarily the Taj Mahal, the project down the road was not my cup of meat. But when the boss fired back at me with an "OK, but you will be doing his work until he shows up every day", I was fucked. This was on me.

So I started picking him up every morning. Here I am in a shirt and tie driving a faggy Jetta coming to get the baggy pants black guy every day. The neighbors probably thought that I was his lawyer. We never said one word on those rides to and from work which was probably for the best. I'll get back into our commutes again later.

One day, the bossman told me that I needed to go meet a guy a few suburbs over as he was going to need our services. I took Rick with me although I'm not really sure why. I had no idea as to who was waiting for me but I was not expecting a 6'9" stringy black guy to be there. That's when Rick broke our constantly awkward silence:

"Dat ni*** be Brad Sellers!"

And it was. The former Chicago Bull was standing right in front of us, patiently waiting on this weird combo of uptight whiteness and uncouth blackness. Rick begged me to get a ride back to the office from someone else and that he would drive Sellers to wherever he needed to get to (likely as far away from Recorda as possible). I obliged as this seemed important to him and I was greatly impressed by his knowledge of obscure NBA players from the early 90's. When we both got back to the office, I asked him what they talked about. "Not much, dog, I just asked him what it was like to play in the NBA". That's it. That was the only thing that was said. Priceless.

Now in 2005, this was not the beginning of LeBron-mania in Cleveland (because that started in 2003) but it was the start of the playoff runs. Cleveland was buzzing about the Cavs as was our office. Everyone was engrossed in a conversation about a recent game between the Cavs and the Hornets and then Rick chimed in once we started talking about The Birdman:

"Chris Andersen cold as a mothafucka".

Now I have no idea what this meant but for the next two months, this phrase became the slogan of the office. And every time that I see The Birdman on TV, I never fail to chuckle.

Fast forward a few weeks and our boss's boss decides to throw a happy hour together for a few of the offices in the area. No complaints there, free drinks and food is one way to get me to go anywhere. There was this townie-bar down the road called Yee's eventhough the owners were not Chinese. That is where we decided to do this. So about 15-16 of us get a couple of tables and we're having a good time. Hell, even Slim and Rick showed up and they were enjoying themselves...maybe a little too much. The townies sitting around the bar did not care for their jovial attitudes. Not one fucking bit. One of the hill-folk dropped an N-bomb. Now, when something like this happens, two things can happen. Either it gets brushed off because the guy who said it is ignorant or the bar becomes a warzone.

Yee's became a warzone on that night. To this day, I have never seen ANYTHING like what happened on that night and I am shocked that no one was killed. Rick started choking the dude. Slim was fighting this other white guy on the pool table. Somebody was throwing pool balls at Slim. Rick went behind the fucking bar to go after the bartender and broke two computers in the process. When Rick got back out from the bar, someone pushed him into one of those glass popcorn machines which thusly shattered into a thousand pieces. Our tables of co-workers were in shock. No one moved. We were watching an epic race war unfold right before our eyes. At some point, things clicked and a few of us got Rick and Slim the fuck out of there before the law showed up. They would have definitely spent some time in jail for that. I can't say this enough, that was the wildest thing I've ever seen. I have seen many fights in bars, but I've never seen black on white rumbles where EVERYTHING gets destroyed. A few days after the skirmish, Yee's dropped a damages bill on my boss's desk. He never said the amount, but we expect that it was well over a grand. It was never paid, by the way.

One day, a few months later in the Spring, I went to pick up Rick in the morning. I called before I left and he didn't answer (which was nothing new). I sat outside his complex for 45 minutes and he never came down. I was hoping that this was like Good Will Hunting and he "went to see about a girl", but it wasn't. He just stopped coming into work. In fact, he never came back at all. I like to think that he just got tired of riding in my faggy Volkswagen.

I moved to Columbus in late August of 2006 and left Cleveland behind me for good. It was time to get out of there and move on. But I ran into one of my friends from up there a few months later and I asked him if he had heard anything about Recorda. He did not disappoint. Rick, who grew up in Louisville, had gotten into some trouble down in the KY. Apparently, he had rented three cars from rental agencies down there and never returned them. Rumor had it that he rented them and then sold them hot to people. That is amazing. What an entrepreneur!

Before writing this post, I tried to track down Rick. He is currently not in the KY or OH prison system so that's good. Google searches of his name provide nothing so I doubt that he's dead. Wherever he is, I hope he knows that he remains one of the most memorable people that I've ever met in my life. Recorda truly was cold as a mothafucka.

Still Oozing Machismo

Razor Ramon was arrested again last week. What is that for him now? 40 arrests? Consider this a special post in which we place Scott Hall's mugshot on the Mount Rushmore (remember when ESPN did this...fuck Rick Reilly) of celebrity mugshots with Nick Nolte, Glenn Campbell, and that fat dude who threw up on the little girl at the Phillies game.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go flick toothpicks at people.

Friday, May 21, 2010

America's Least Favorite Team

When you read that title, where did you think that I was going with this? Was this about the Cowboys? The Red Sox? An Ohio State University? Well, they are most definitely America's least favorite team but let's suspend those feelings for today. Right now, your least favorite team should be the Southern Mississippi baseball team.

I have no idea as to why this bet took place, but Brett Favre is coming back to the NFL...if the Eagles makes the College World Series! His stupid words:

"Guys, remember the bet,'' he said. "Y'all go back and I go back. I promise, I will be keeping up with you. Good luck.''

In response, the team collectively announced that they had no idea who this old fucker was hanging around their field and then called the dog warden to take him back to the pound. I don't know why media outlets are picking up on this like it's news. The USM baseball team could die in a blimp crash and Favre is still coming back the Vikings. But think about it. If this team is any good and goes on a run in the tournament, the main story will be about this Goddamned bet and the Favre PR machine will keep rolling on. This hillbilly is such a diva.

I don't know why I get so worked up about this stuff. I've made a blogging career out of my hatred toward Brett Favre and it really makes no sense. I should want him to keep playing for as long as possible. He really is great. The NFL wouldn't be the same if Favre didn't choke in the postseason EVERY time he gets there. CB's wouldn't get huge contracts in free agency without all of his interceptions. Favre is the gift that keeps on giving. Because as long as he's still around buying Wranglers for all his teammates (worst gift ever), you can forget about that team making the Super Bowl.

So quit making stupid bets, Brett Favre. Get your ass back into old man shape and get yourself mentally ready to crush the spirits of Vikings fans again. And tell Brad Childress to take off that stupid fucking Gilligan hat. He looks like a baby molester (moreso than usual). You heard this correctly, I want more Favre in my life. His yearly failures are just too delicious.
Alright, we are approaching the one month mark of being dog owners and I figured a Friday would be a good opportunity for an update. He's learning his name, is less of a chewer, and has to piss more in the middle of the night than Abe Vigoda, but he's cool. There are two big things that make you know that this is MY dog.

1. During week one, he found She$'s anOSU hat and chewed it to shit. He has never touched one of my lids. I take this as a sign of his Buckeye hatred and I didn't even need to teach him that. Smart dog.
2. He's learning how to bark now and it's annoying as shit. But he doesn't do it often. Except for one occasion. Every time that the one Muslim family in the neighborhood walks down the street, he goes fucking nuts. He does not do this for ANYONE else. But when those shawled chicks walk by, he goes nuts. He hates them. I like owning a racist dog. His previous owner must have been Dick Cheney. One of these nights when I walk home, he's going to put a sign in their yard that reads, "GET OUT, SANDN-WORDS". I'm tellin' ya, my dog is a racist. I would not put it past him. He is not tolerant of other cultures at all.

Have a good weekend all. Now if you don't mind, I need to spend the next three days teaching the pup to loathe Asians.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Anything King Can Do, I Can Do Better

(Tony Dungy accepting his Baked Cheetos from PK for being the 2005 Worst Father of the Year)

I can do anything better than Peter King! How about that? Me using a line from Annie Get Your Gun. I am soooo cultured! And gay! Anyway, if you're anything like me and enjoy punishing yourself on Monday mornings, you probably read Peter King's MMQB article at every week. I don't know why I do it because he can't write at all and is easily the biggest dork on the planet. This week, Petey unveiled his "rankings" for the 2010 NFL season. Why is he doing this in mid-May? Good fucking question. Why does he act like this is the hardest thing to do? Because he is a fat pussy. Why does he think that the Packers are the best team right now even after admitting that their cornerbacks are old as shit and they have almost no pass rush? Your guess is as good as mine.

So I decided to do my own half-assed and pointless NFL rankings 3+ months before the season even begins. Basically, I just want to prove how much smarter, slimmer, and how much better I am at incorporating the word "faggot" in my writing. This is not a prediction post since it would be stupid to do that now. Let's start in the toilet.

32. Buffalo - Needed a QB and some O-Line help so they drafted a RB instead and did nothing to address their glaring issues. Maybe they plan on running the wishbone. They don't plan on winning many games though.
31. Tampa Bay - The defense is probably a year away from being a force but that offense isn't going to score. I wish that Kellen Winslow had been a faggot so that his son would have never been born.
30. St. Louis - Rams rookie WR Mardy Gilyard got mugged in Cincinnati this weekend. Listen kids, when you don't have to be at college anymore, don't hang around college anymore. Only bad things happen. Who isn't pumped for the Little Animal and Barbie Carpenter reunion?
29. Oakland - J-Camp, baby!!! I feel for the guy. He went from a team with zero weapons in the passing game to a team with negative weapons in the passing game.
28. Kansas City - We are 16 games away from seeing Matt Cassel get released.
27. Cleveland - The only good thing that I can say about the Browns is that they have a pretty good running game. That's it. Terrible quarterbacks, receivers, and they just signed Shaun Suisham. Failure.
26. Chicago - I'm telling you, this team is going to be terrible. I expect that by week 7, this team will go into full-blown, "fuck you, Lovie, we're getting you out of here" mode. And Mike Martz blows fags for dimes.

25. Arizona - You lose Warner, Boldin, and your only three playmakers on defense and you replace them with guys like Derek Anderson. Welcome back to picking in the top ten, Cards.
24. Detroit - I'm going to wait and see how they look in preseason, but right now the Lions could be my frisky wild card pick. That front four on defense is going to be a bitch and they are well-coached. Let's wait and see if Stafford's face got any fatter in the offseason before we go sucking each other's dicks though.
23. Jacksonville - Mo-Jo deserves a better team than this. I expect to see David Garrard playing against Daunte Culpepper in the UFL next year.
22. Carolina - Do you believe in Matt Moore? Personally, I think that they should start Clausen right away. The Panthers have the same problem that they had last year. Their starters are outstanding but if anyone gets hurt, they're fucked in the ear.
21. San Francisco - They should have traded for McNabb. They would easily win the West if they had anyone else under center besides Alex Smiff.

20. Seattle - I think that the Seahawks are the best team in that division yet ranked them 20th. Yeah, the NFC West is a dumpster fire. I'm rooting for Pete Carroll because everyone else is not. Pete is the man!!!
19. Denver - Nothing would please me more than to see Josh McDaniels fail and get fired. That would be just the tops.
18. Philadelphia - I refuse to believe that this team is better with Kolb and McCoy than they were with McNabb and Westbrook. And that defense is shit.
17. Tennessee - I am in love with Chris Johnson. I should probably say the same about Vince Young since he might kill himself if I don't. This feels like an 8-8 team.
16. Cincinnati - When will they learn? Let's keep bringing in complete shitheads! That's gold! They aren't making the playoffs again. Palmer is awful.

15. Washington - I still don't buy this team as much as others, but they will be a lot more competitive. The schedule is tough but they improved the two biggest weaknesses on the team: coach and general manager.
14. Houston - Matt Schaub is due to get hurt and he no longer has the protection of The Sex Cannon behind him. Andre Johnson's holdout isn't a good start to the season. Neither is your stud OLB getting popped for going Lattimer.
13. Pittsburgh - I would bet my life on the Steelers missing the playoffs this year. How do they score? Crappy running game, suspended QB, rotten OL, and absolute shit at receiver! But the defense will win them some games, that is inevitable.
12. New York Giants - They've gotten a lot of mileage out of their retard QB. The one annoying thing about the Giants is that they are always competitive. My team will never be able to say that.
11. Miami - Love the direction that this team is trending toward. Tough and physical. No more Ted Ginn drops and replaced him with possibly the best WR in football AND a solid running game to boot? Their coach may be white trash, but this is a good team.

10. New England - The Patriots were shit last season. It's their own damn fault for raising their bar so high. Will they ever bring in a decent RB or is Brady doomed to hand the ball off to stiffs like Kevin Faulk forever?
9. Atlanta - Book it, the Falcons are winning the South this year. I'm calling my shot.
8. San Diego - I just don't trust them. How in the Hell can they bring Nate Kaeding back? The guy clearly sucks.
7. Green Bay - Before we go sucking the nuts out of Aaron Rodgers' shit, just remember that he has never really won anything. He's been in the league for 7 years now. Nothing to show for it except for a stupid beard.
6. Minnesota - Favre is coming back. We know this. That is all that we need to know.

5. Dallas - They needed to replace Flozell and Ken Hamlin this offseason and instead they added a WR whose mother has offered to blow the entire front office. Good call. By the way, is it just me or does it seem like the Cowboys are always healthy? This annoys me. I need to see more career ending injuries in Dallas.
4. Indianapolis - The most predictable team in football. They will win 12 games and the division and they will not win the Super Bowl. We already know how this story ends.
3. New Orleans - They won't catch as many breaks this year. Gregg Williams defenses are always awesome in year one and then they slowly turn to feces. And if anyone gets hurt, you can forget about wrestling Vicodin away from their coach.
2. New York Jets - Just loaded. They got better at every position that they needed to this offseason except for backup RB. Good luck throwing on them. If they get a lead, with that running game and that secondary, game over. Although I wish that Rex Ryan would just keep getting fatter. I like my Rex Ryan's fat like I like my Rob Ryan's batshit crazy.
1. Baltimore - Without question this is the best team in football. They made their defense sick again in the Draft and added Boldin and Stallworth to an already good offense. I'm not saying that Dante is any good, but if you cover him too tight, it will not end well for you. Just ask Mario Reyes. It's aon Joe Flacco's unibrow to get these criminals to the Super Bowl. I think he's ready.

Questions? Comments? Does anyone dare challenge my assertion that the Jets and Ravens are the two best teams in the league this season? Aren't these rankings much more likely than King's? Fucking Ohio U faggot. Nice white streak in your hair. Oh, and don't worry, I'm not going to end this post with some retard story about coffee. Your welcome.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Learn From The NBA, NFL

The NBA held their draft lottery last night and, per usual, it was enjoyable. The Wizards steal John Wall while the Sixers get Evan Turner. Not bad places for either one. They should be both be able to own those cities and help each franchise forget about their awful contracts (Arenas and Brand). And you had to be one ice-cold sonofabitch to not feel good for Abe Pollin's widow winning the #1 pick. Now let's hope this #1 pans out better for the Wizards than Kwame Brown did.

But let's get back to the lottery itself. I truly think that this is an amazing idea. There is drama. There is disappointment in the room for those reps who are picking high. It's always a weird mix of 20 year old black guys and 60 year old white billionaire owners. And this year we got a Communist! Amazing. The biggest surprise of the night may have been the capital knockers of Heather Cox on display. Not bad at all. Now someone give her a face transplant please.

I like the setup. Sure, you can throw your season in hopes of getting the #1 pick, but that doesn't mean you'll get it. It's still the luck of the draw. The NBA has figured out a way to make their 14 worst teams interesting for 30 minutes in May. This is a good thing. So why can't the NFL do this? Why doesn't the NFL do this?

I'm tired of seeing the Raiders and Lions picking in the top 5 every year. They act like they belong there. Why not make all the non-playoff teams enter a draft lottery? Run it 2-3 weeks after the Super Bowl so teams still have plenty of time to prep for the draft. Do you think that ESPN would publicize the shit out of this? The NFL Draft Lottery would bring in HUGE ratings.

Here's what I do: You put the 20 teams that didn't make the postseason into a hopper. The worst team in the league can pick no worse than fifth (and so on). And then EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE SAME ODDS. Who wouldn't watch this? Every single person in Pittsburgh would have watched this year wondering if they could draft Sam Bradford. Would the Jags still have taken Samoa Joe at #1? This would be amazing.

Maybe then we can stop rewarding the same shitty teams for still being shitty. What do you think? Does an NFL Lottery for draft slots sound like a good idea? I'll tell you this much, if you disagree with me, you are wrong. More NFL talk tomorrow unless something crazy happens tonight.

Forcier Is Super, Thanks For Asking!

Hoo boy. I've said it here before and I'll say it again--this time to Michigan QB/tackling dummy for the rest of the Big Ten, Tate Forcier:

"You may not be gay, but you are definitely a faggot."

If this guy is your starting QB, you need a new starting QB.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Legalize It: Roids Raging in the NFL

(What are you gonna do when Trojan Mania runs wild on you?)
I know this came as an earth shattering shock when it happened, but Brian Cushing used steroids...or he has nut cancer. Or if there is any justice in this world, both. Now we all know that the AP decided to do a re-vote on the Defensive ROY and somehow Cushing's name was left on the ballot and somehow people still actually voted for Cushing. Whatever. Half the guys that vote probably couldn't tell you what position Cushing played. But it is still bothersome that even after the public was told that Cushing tested positive in September, and therefore had the aid of PED's leading up to the beginning of the season and throughout, he was still able to keep his award and all of the cash he netted through incentives in his contract. There is only one explanation.

The NFL knows damn well that EVERYBODY is doing it, not just the cool kids anymore. Whether it's steroids, HGH, or PCP(my personal favorite), the use of Performance Enhancing Drugs runs rampant in the NFL. I, for one, don't care if NFL players are using or not. The average salary of an NFL player is around $800,000. If you were competing for a job that carried that same salary and you knew the majority of your competitors were performing illegal acts to heighten their chances, wouldn't you do the same? Maybe you would or maybe you wouldn't, but you can't fault someone who would.

And the thing is, most PED's aren't even bad. Seriously, google the benefits of anabolic steroids and see what you come up with. You will find several things; increased numbers of red blood cells, improved calcium deposition in the bones, muscle enlargement, etc. Look up HGH and you will find even more benefits. Again, we are talking about PED use, not abuse. Hell, every single one of us reading this blog would be doing themselves a favor by jumping on the PED train...but I prefer beer and soft batch cookies.

Is it even fair to ask NFL players to go out there without using any type of performance enhancer? I can't even begin to imagine the wear and tear that an NFL player takes any given game, season, or career--my hands cramp up after just one half of Madden. Wouldn't it actually be making the players safer, or at least more durable? Isn't that why most players take them in the first place, to recover faster from injuries? The NFL has made it pretty clear that they couldn't give two shits about the players quality of life after football so spare me the protecting the players bullshit. If that were the case then they wouldn't be jamming players with cortisone just so they can make it on the field.

That is why I want the NFL to legalize steroids, HGH, and any other PED. However, I'm not saying just drop all regulations and turn the sport into a bunch of mutants beating the fuck out of each other--although I'm not totally against that idea either. But find a range that certain doctors and trainers believe to be within a healthy ratio and allow the players to take the PEDs up to that mark. Also, ban all masking agents. If you're trying to hide something, fuck off, you're gone. If you test over the limit then all of the information is released to the public so you can't pull a Cushing and make up some lame ass excuses or issue outright denials despite being juiced up from the time he went to USC.

I only have one more thing to say; Legalize it. Who's coming with me, and whose got the chron and Bob Marley?

On a completely unrelated note: I know this person. I will take my Ghetto Pass, thank you. Click the link, give him some hits.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Worst Mother Ever?

I know that I promised on Friday to not talk about the NBA for awhile and I meant that. I stick by my story, Samson. But an NBA post with a potential sex scandal and demise of an entire city? Yes please.

So Friday night, Buke gets a text from a guy that we know stating that the reason that the Cavs looked awful was because that Delonte West had been nailing one of LeBron's side pieces and LBJ found out about it before game 4. Holy shit. While this does not surprise me as NBA players seem like oversexed egomaniacs, it was a bit surprising that of ALL the people to steal puss from, LeBron would probably be the last that you would do that to. But then again, Delonte is fucking nuts (and we all know this).

I'm at work Saturday morning and dedicated an hour to finding out more about this on the interwebs. Well, some terrible site whose traffic just exploded, announced to the world that they heard through someone who works at The Q, that the prior story was accurate but the players involved were not. Nope, Delonte West has apparently been banging LeBron's mother, Gloria fucking James, for months now.

I have no idea if this is true or not but I love me some rumors so I will believe this to be accurate eventhough we will likely never know for sure. Why would Tellez Owens (what does that even mean?) lie? Oh, you mean, to get people to his site? Fair enough. But for as awful as they played after game three, it sort of makes sense that there was some type of major disconnect on the team. And thus I am sold. The only thing that explains their shitty-ass play is that someone was banging someone else's mom.

Delonte West's herpes-ridden, gun-toting dong killed the Cavaliers. It wasn't an elbow or a coach (yes it was) or pace or anything. It was chemistry. Have you seen Gloria James? She's not really a looker. Haven't you ever wondered why no one has came forward claiming to be LeBron's dad? Because doing so would be an admission that you had consensual relations with Gloria fucking James! And yet a millionaire NBA player decided to start porking her amidst the most important stretch of basketball in Cleveland history. Well done.

In conclusion, think about this: Gloria James' vagina caused a rebirth of importance for the Cleveland Cavaliers franchise. Right now, we are unclear if Gloria James' vagina will be the cause of death for the Cleveland Cavaliers franchise. And I guarantee that Delonte is not coming back next season, King or no King.

Lame Or Cool?

So this vehicle parks near mine at the office every day. The first time that I saw the plate, I thought that it was the most awesome thing ever. I mean, A TRIBUTE TO SLATER! That's badass, mama. My car is better than yours, preppy!

But eventually, I noticed chinks in the armor of this car (even with it being a GA). First of all, the anOSU license plate holder is weak. It also features Cincinnati Reds emblems on the seats (yes, I did some spying). Finally, I saw the driver last week and he is a white trash asshole with a chin strap beard. The kind of guy who would wear oversized plain white tees. It was heartbreaking. I wanted the owner of these plates to be Lark Voorhies or Ed Alonzo, not Johnny Dickbag.

I should have known better. If you want a Saved By The Bell-related vanity plate, you don't go with "A C SL8R". You go with some thinkers that are way cooler like "M NEDICK", "HT SNDAE", "L CAROSI", or my favorite, "MR DEWEY".

You guys decide, is this cool or lame? Buke and Paul (only Boston fan that is remotely likable) both found it cool and funny. My vote is for lame but I do appreciate the effort.

Friday, May 14, 2010

How Did It All Go Wrong?

This roster can not be stopped! Look at how deep this fucker is! I'm so excited that I'm about ready to piss myself. If there was any doubt that it would be the Lakers/Cavs come June, it's a guarantee now. The drought in NE Ohio ends this year, my friends. It's destiny for this Cavs team. Seal/Beanie/Rosenberg, where do you want to meet for the parade? Get your minds out of Cleveland and start thinking like a winner, dammit. That trophy is OURS.--I said this in February after the Jamison how things change.

You know how Rocky IV is awesome? How it features the greatest soundtrack in the history of cinema? How it ended the Cold War? How it showed the end of Apollo Creed's life? Well let me tell you something, the Cleveland Cavaliers are Apollo Creed. They are all talk and no follow through. They come up small in the biggest moments. And in the biggest moment/challenge of their lives, they fucking die miserably in an embarrassing fashion.

Think about it. We start the original Rocky and we never see Creed win the title. We're just told that he's the champ and a great fighter. This is like the Cavs after being swept in the Finals by the Spurs. We continue with Rocky I by playing the eventual champs (Boston) about dead even with them winning in the end (which is a reversal of my analogy but hang with me). The following year and movie (II), we vow to never let that happen again. Rocky Balboa was a one time lucky chump! But we lose again to him (Orlando) because it was a bad matchup and we weren't tough enough. Forget that III never happened because I could not relate Apollo's role in that movie to anything the Cavs did. And that led us to IV. What people have deemed to be potentially the Cavs last go 'round. This is it. It has to be. Same thing for Creed. He had one fight left in him. But neither Apollo nor Cleveland took it as seriously as they should have. In the end, they both died in the fucking ring to a rugged opponent with plenty of experience dominating on the big stage. All talk, no results/rings.

Look, I don't want to just spew all of the venom inside of me because you don't have the time to read it all. This is disappointing. The future is unclear. We all know the ramifications. Whatever. If this was the last game with this core, they made a run and it didn't work out. This isn't the first team who fell short of expectations and it won't be the last. It isn't easy to win a title. Personally, I'm fine. It sucks because everything seemed like it was going to happen, but it didn't. A few things:

Mike Brown is gone. He did a rotten job in the playoffs every season. He never coached on the offensive. And he never made adjustments. Whether LeBron stays or not, there will be a new coach in Cleveland next season. This much we know. I will never understand why he never went small with JJ Hickson and ran more. That decision was appalling.

Mo Williams and Antawn Jamison just don't have it. They can show flashes of greatness but can't do it consistently. And when they don't have it, they are worthless.

LeBron. There is plenty of time to discuss the future, I'm going to quickly discuss the present. That was not pretty. I definitely think that he was more hurt than he let on. He isn't the best shooter but he isn't THAT bad. And please stop talking about how he never had players alongside him. That is bullshit. He has all-stars around him including one of the best players in NBA history. We can't forget that his diva behavior regarding his free agency cost them free agents. Everyone wants to play with LeBron, but if he isn't willing to commit to staying there, then why would Charlie Villanueva, Trevor Ariza, etc. sign if he could bolt after one year. Everyone thinks that they know what he's going to do, but no one truly knows. I'm sure you all have your opinions, too, but I don't really care. I could give my opinions regarding the potential departure now, but I'll wait until late June to do that. There is plenty of time in between and things can change quickly. Like, say, if the Cavs hire John Calipari to be their next coach, you know he's coming back. It's going to be an interesting offseason for sure.

It was a nice career, Z and Shaq, but you guys are done.

Normally, I would hammer the Celtics because I hate them but they were great. They dominated. I give them all the credit in the world. Every single weakness that the Cavs had, they exposed it.

So now we play the waiting game. Is the Cavaliers franchise over as we know it or do they reload in the offseason and go for it again? I don't know. You don't know. I'm 100% positive that Colin Cowherd does not know. Apollo never got up off the mat after Drago put him down, but will the Cavs be able to after the most disappointing playoffs series in team history? At least Rocky Balboa himself (Steve Nash) is still hanging and banging in the playoffs fighting the good fight and trying to rid the world of shitheads like the Lakers, Celtics, and Dwight Howard.

Two final things: 1. You won't be reading about the NBA again for awhile (you're welcome). 2. I'm writing this thirty minutes after the final horn and my analogy makes all the sense in the world. That just shows that I will never back down in the face of adversity. I will always show up in the big moments. You will never have to worry about throwing the towel in for me.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Big Ten Expansion: An Open Forum

OK. No more basketball talk that gets me worked up (at least today...the eulogy is ready to roll for tomorrow morning though). I have hopped back down off the ledge and firmly believe that the Cavs have thrown the last two games on purpose so that when they win in 7, they can shock the world. Yeah...that's the ticket! That's got to be it!

Anywho, one of the more under the radar stories this week has been the fact that apparently the Big Ten is really close to making their move toward expansion. Of course, Jim Delaney denies this because he is a pompous and ignorant tampon, but I know he's a liar. Why would a radio station in Missouri have any reason to lie about this? So let's talk about this. And by "talk", I mean, "I will give some quick opinions, cut it short, and we can keep the dialogue open in the comments". It worked well on Midget Day, let's see how we do today.

Now I've previously taken a stance on who I think that the Big Ten should add. But I did that under the assumption that they only wanted one school to join. Well fuck me running as it sounds like they want at least 3 schools with the hopes of luring 5 and creating a monster conference with more schools that people can hate. Obviously, they are going to make one last ditch effort at Notre Dame which they will decline because they are faggots.

That leaves them going in other directions namely WAAAAAY outside of the traditional Big Ten geography. Rumor has it that Missour-ah has received an offer and that Nebraska and Rutgers are also going to get their e-vite of doom. This tells me two things: 1.) They do not care about the integrity of their basketball conference and 2.) Pretty much all of the money from the Big Ten Network will be spent on travel. Minneapolis to Piscataway for a Tuesday night tennis match? Why not!!! Let's look at each school:

Missouri - border rivals with Illinois, up and coming football program, opens up Kansas City and St. Louis markets
Nebraska - extremely strong tradition, slow plodding players will fit in well in slow plodding conference, adds another legit program to the Big Ten now that Michigan is no longer legit, Tommy Lee went there, would effectively KILL the Big 12
Rutgers - other than opening up the NYC market and their top notch Turf Management program, this does nothing to boost the conference profile

What do you think? Does this work? Who are the other two potential recruits to be lured (UConn, Syracuse?)? How long before the Big East and Big 12 fold and we are left with 4 super conferences? BUT YOU WILL NEVER DESTROY THE AWESOME POWER OF THE MAC! Let's hear it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Searching For A Swing Coach

Well, the rumor has finally become fact. Tiger Woods and his swing coach, Hank Haney, have parted ways. It can't be easy to work for Tiger. He seems like kind of an ass, is stubborn, and likes to sleep around. But we saw this coming a mile away. Tiger has been hitting balls all over the place since his return and someone has to take the blame. It sure as Hell isn't going to be him. So he decided to pull the ol' "Steinbrenner and Billy Martin" and showed Haney the door (you are a fool if you think that Haney left on his own terms). Whatever. It's a story about a rich golfer firing his golf coach. It really isn't important.

But what is important is who will be replacing Haney. This is a story that should be getting a ton of publicity. I've got my candidate list ready and I wonder if Tiger's is similar. I know that if I were a stud golfer, I'd invest into one of these linksman.

Honorable Mention: I was going to suggest Ken Griffey, Jr. as he was always touted as having a sweet swing and should be looking for work here soon. But then I thought about how those clubhouses likely have some really comfortable chairs and Junior apparently can not resist sleeping in comfy chairs. He's out.
Cosmo Kramer - The K-Man has a veritable wealth of golfing knowledge to disperse as he has learned the game from Stan the Caddy, knows golf etiquette from his experiences with Steve Gendeson, and is quite a marksman out of the sand. The beached whale would agree with that last point.
Roy McAvoy - I finally watched Tin Cup for the first time this past weekend. I always thought that it was a chick flick but it is more of a "Cheech Marin rules" flick. Roy has every shot in his bag, plays with huge cajones, and is not afraid of Gary McCord's mustache. By the way, every time that Craig Stadler opened his walrus-mouth, I died laughing.
Charles Barkley - Just look at that beautiful form. Honestly, Chuck would be an excellent golf coach. Just take everything that he says and do the complete opposite. But you know what, with the Round Mound's history for seeking late night BJ's, he may not be the best fit for Tiger. Moving on.
Al Czervik - He isn't necessarily a savant when it comes to golf swings as Al makes current day Arnold Palmer look like Ernie Els. But he is resourceful. He has everything in his bag, has an impeccable relationship with men of Asian descent, and knows a thing or twelve about real estate. Considering Tiger has a divorce upcoming, that last bit could come in handy. This probably would not work out though when you factor in Al's love of talking during someone's back swing/him stepping on ducks.
Lee Carvallo - Hey, he's a better option than Bonestorm, capiche. Where else are you going to learn things like "you should work on your putting" and "you've selected Power Drive"?
The Dad of the Guy That Writes Mondesi's House - I love this story. This guy, who sired Pittsburgh's number one sports blogger, took aim at the TPC at Sawgrass' famed 17th hole...and shot a 66! On ONE HOLE! He carded a 257 for the round! Imagine playing behind that. As a matter of fact, e shouldn't be allowed to dispense any swing advice, but I wanted to link to that amazing story anyway. A 66!
Chubbs Peterson - Ah yes, the Club Pro. I have mentioned many times that if there were ever an all-black movie about my life, I want Carl Weathers to play me. Chubbs isn't the most conventional coach out there, but he helped a terrible hockey player win a gold jacket so that has to count for something. Hell, Haney couldn't even get Tiger a green jacket before terrible players (Phil) did.

Oh, who am I kidding. I just want Carl Weathers back on TV. Tiger isn't going to listen to me anyway...unless he hires Paddy Tanager the Caddy Manager. That would be hilarious. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? In conclusion, if swing coaches were so great, then why aren't they winning tournaments???

Fucking Pathetic

(Pictured: LeBron James, Mo Williams, Anderson Varejao, and Mike Brown)

And you thought that the Hawks embarrassed themselves and the league...thanks for wasting another season.

I'm more proud of Big Ben right now than I am of this team of pussies (and Shaq who has busted his ass).

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Through The Urethra

Hell hath no fury like Mr. Ace scorned. You may remember back in December G Money did a little fake interview with my lovely fiance, Mrs. Ace. Essentially, G Money threw me under the bus because we made a post about commenter Dustin that was found offensive by his family...pussies(I have since heard from Dustin that he made it all up and his family never read it). In order to patch things up--and continue his mustache rides from Dustin's favorite uncle-- he blindsided me with that hitjob. I felt like Carlito when Benny Blanco got Pachanga to turn on his one time partner. Then Friday, for no good reason, he attacked my love for horse racing and the greatness that was Mine That Bird's Kentucky Derby romp. I can't tolerate that shit from a soulless ginger.

So I interviewed someone very close to G Money. Somebody who has experienced the same mistreatment and abuse that I have. Okay, someone who has experienced far worse mistreatment and abuse than I ever have.

Mr. Ace: Well, I'm not really sure how we are supposed to do this. Umm, hows it hangin'?
G Money's D: What do you think? I'm sitting on top of some sweaty balls and a grundle that stinks like Funions. It fucking sucks.
ACE: Sucks to be you.
GMD: You're fucking right it does. You don't know the shit I have been through.
ACE: Well, that's why I'm here at 4:00am while G Money is passed out. I want to hear your side of the story and all the terrible things G Money has put you through.
GMD: Are you sure you want me to go there?
ACE: You're goddamn right I do.

GMD: G Money is the Pol Pot of genital abuse.
ACE: He beats you with electrical cords and shoves shit in your mouth?
GMD: Basically. I have been forced to plow through so much pre-pubescent school boy ass I should be the fucking Pope.
ACE: That's disgusting. I mean, if you're gay that's cool, but sodomizing young boys isn't something I can get behind.
GMD: I'm not gay, he is.
ACE: When it comes down to it you are actually the one who is burying your head into fecal matter.
GMD: You don't understand. G Money is a bit of a masochist. He gets great pleasure from inflicting pain on me.
ACE: Yes...
GMD: He dresses me up in a Redskins helmet and puts out cigarettes on me while reading message board threads like this. If I ever meet Daniel Snyder I will piss all over him.

GMD: Do you know what his pregame ritual is for Cavs games?
ACE: A couple LeBomb James?(btw, when you google lebomb james the money shot is at the top of the list)
GMD: That is part of it. But after he gets all boozed up he jerks it to watching this clip over and over again.
ACE: So. You just got done telling me he puts out lit cigarettes on your shaft. That can't be worse than getting jerked to Craig Ehlo.
GMD: But before the jerking starts he stuffs my piss hole with baby powder and then when the moment finally comes... POOF, I burst out a cloud of baby powder, instead of baby batter.
ACE: Seems like a great form of contraception and one of the greatest ejaculations I've ever heard of.

ACE: But what does this have to do with you sodomizing children? Somewhere we got off track.
GMD: Oh yeah. You know how sometimes G Money will mention in a post that he ran a couple miles that day or worked out recently?
ACE: Yeah. I've never believed it, but who gives a shit.
GMD: Well, it's not a complete lie.
ACE: Quit dancing around the issue and just fucking say it, dick.
GMD: His idea of exercising is cramming some GHB down my urethra and downing a bottle of Viagra. Then he heads down to the local playground and chases around little kids with a raging boner.
ACE: That's weird...but seems like great exercise.
GMD: Then when the kid finally falls he uses me, all drugged up and open for date rape, to hump the kid into submission.
ACE: How do you live with yourself?
GMD: Do you think I feel good about poking little kids eyes out? I don't. But it's the price I pay for being connected to this malcontent.

GMD: That's not even the worst of it.
ACE: What could be worse than face fucking children on a public playground?
GMD: You know what a fleshlight is, right?
ACE: Yes, I am familiar with this tool.
GMD: Well G$ decided to create his own.
ACE: Let me guess. A piece of PVC lined with shards of glass and steel wool.
GMD: I wish. He made this thing he calls the JeteRod. Named after Jeter and A-Rod.
ACE: Is it like a blow up doll with the face of A-Rod and the ass of Jeter?
GMD: That's really weird that you would guess that. It's actually two fleshlights fused together. There is a mouth with A-Rod's face taped over it and an ass with a picture of Jeter's ass taped over it.
ACE: That's disturbing.
GMD: Yeah, but now he has that dog. Poor Alex. Now instead of penetrating moist rubber while watching Game 6 of the World Series, I am pushing in kibbles and bits.
ACE: Mike Vick just called PETA.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Monday Hump

(You can't start a week off right without a steamy dose [and timely reference] of Terry Schiavo!)

Every Wednesday back in 2007-2008, we here at The Money Shot ran down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results were delightful. We are bringing it back (again) today because, to be honest, nothing is really inspiring me on this Monday morning. So how about a handful of stupid jokes/observations instead?

This week, the "Unwritten Rules" Edition.

*This series is going to give me a heart attack - The Cavs/Celtics series has been quite interesting. I wish that I could just sit back and enjoy it as opposed to biting my nails and screaming, "TONY ALLEN IS FUCKING TERRIBLE!" at the TV. The Cavs were perfect on Friday night in their ass beating and Rondo played one of the best games you'll ever see yesterday. I will give credit when it's due and he has been amazing. He deserves a better player than Paul "Gravy Blood" Pierce. Iceman is right, there is no pro athlete with a worse body than Pierce. He is so gross. He has no muscle, it's all Jello. We're all square through 4 now but I'm not worried. They won once in Cleveland, I don't see it happening again. The other three series? Horrendous. This is the only one that deserves any attention. The Spurs suck, the Jazz are out of gas, and the Hawks couldn't win the NCAA tournament right now. I really would like to punch Ray Allen's mother in the jaw though.

*Another reason to hate the Celtics - During yesterday's game, ABC showed a graphic on Big Baby Davis. It said that he does not want to be called Big Baby anymore but rather "Uno Uno" since he wears #11. I don't know what's worse here, that he is trying to give himself a nickname or that he is copying Ochocinco? A more fitting nickname for this dick might be "Pizzeria Uno". Mmmm, deep dish pizza

*Another example of Tiger Woods' bulge getting him in trouble - Looks like we can all stop caring about golf again since Woods is hurt. A bulging disk in his pants made him quit yesterday. I'm sure that She$ will be happy that I won't be wasting entire days watching golf tournaments this summer. This sort of injury sounds like something that is going to need some time off so everyone can go back to not watching the PGA. And shame on that ten year old shit at Sawgrass for running his mouth to Tiger on Friday. Oooooh, golf rankings smack? How daring of you. If I was Tiger (and one day I will be), I would have told that kid that his dad gives great blowjobs. That would have shut him up.

*Get over it, you perfect sumbitch - Actually, I planned on fileting Dallas Braden today initially since he won't stop talking and overreacting about his sacred unwritten rules. He got pissed off at A-Bomb three weeks ago for running across the mound and is still talking about how he is going to get even. Yeah, that makes sense. Who says shit like this? Now, if he throws at him, he's going to get tossed after four batters! What a fuck-up. But then that fuck-up goes out and throws a perfecto against the second best team in the AL. Way to make me look like a jerk, jerk. But back to his one-sided feud with A-Rod, he needs to relax. Alex has proven over the years that he is not the most intelligent guy in the sport. He probably didn't know about this (I didn't and I've been around the game my whole life). Anyone named Dallas is a faggot anyway. I wonder how much dick juice gets stuck in his soul patch?

*DeSean needs to shut his shit - What is the point of DeSean Jackson talking shit about Don Burgundy now? Publicly talking crap about your former QB who made you look good is something that T.O. would do. And insinuating that the Eagles are just as good with Kevin Kolb back there is insulting and retarded. McNabb had his shortcomings but come on. DeSean Jackson isn't going to be any better without him. Everyone associated with the Eagles are braindead dickfarts.

*The NFL is full of drug addicts - Could this be the eventual downfall of the league? Probably not but if the higher profile names keep getting into bad trouble, it's not going to help. First, the Saints coaching staff is stealing painkillers and having their GM cover it up by destroying evidence. This is clearly a great idea by everyone involved. Now last year's Defensive ROY, Brian Cushing, FINALLY gets busted for 'roids when he's been taking them since his freshman year at USC. I don't know how he kept passing these tests, but he finally got nailed.

In conclusion, week #2 of dog ownership went much smoother. But one thing that I hate is picking up shit. If it were up to me, I wouldn't do it at all. Fuck my neighbors. I can't do that though because I don't want to get yelled at. The missus prefers poop bags but I don't like the idea of having dog shit one thin piece of plastic away from my skin. Yep, I carry around one of those bulky scooper thingies with me every time we walk the 'hood. I don't care how ridiculous it makes me look. I ain't touching shit. And that is sort of ironic since I get my hands dirty here every day.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Let's All Point And Laugh

I don't normally like to take shots at other bloggers because this isn't an easy...well, it's not really a job since the pay is non-existent. Let's call it an activity. It's not an easy activity to form opinions every single day. In case you didn't know, and judging by the hits, you didn't, Mr. Ace used to have his own corner of the blogosphere all to himself. He called it The Toolshed and on 7/3/2010, it will be the one year anniversary of him shutting it down. Thankfully, he came over to the dark side (I like having a day off).

But all that being said, I'm calling him out today for the biggest piece of shit article I've ever read online. You know how Peter King has his MMQB column every Monday and then a few hours later, KSK takes the column and shows the world how stupid and wrong King is? Well, I'm doing the same thing today to a post that Ace wrote on May 4th of last year about the Kentucky Derby. Get ready because this thing sucks.

If there was one thing that most of you don't know about my love for sports, it is that I love horse racing.

Mr. Ace is actually an 80 year old man who still asks for a pony on his birthday every year. He's a heftier and more annoying Lisa Simpson!

Over the last couple years I have begun to follow it even closer, keeping up with who wins the other Derby's and Memorials leading up to the Triple Crown and watching the Traverse Stakes three months after the Triple Crown races are over. I can't explain it, but it just has me fascinated.

The number of people fascinated by horse racing: 3. Hank Goldberg, Kenny Mayne, and Mr. Ace. One of them sweats gin, one is a pretentious and unfunny douche, and the other is Mayne.

I got goosebumps watching Mine That Bird burst past the field at the 1/16th pole. The fact that he was a 50-1 underdog made no difference while watching it, all you saw was one competitor dusting the field and you knew you were watching something special.

Goosebumps from a horse race? Unless you bet on that horse, why the hell would you even care? I watched was not special. It's fucking NASCAR with donkeys!

That win was nothing less than inspiring.

No it was not. That sentence is complete horse shit...pun intended. Is he fucking this horse?

Many of you can't really appreciate how incredible of an upset this really was.

It was a fucking horse. They are supposed to run. I can't appreciate it because it does not deserve my appreciation.

This is Buster Douglas knocking out Iron Mike with one hand tied behind his back.

No it most certainly is not.

This is the 1980 USA hockey team beating the Soviets while playing short-handed the entire game.

Oh fuck you. This is getting absurd. You are fucking that horse, aren't you? If not Mine That Bird, you are definitely butt pirates with Calvin Borel.

This is some Triple A hack striking out Earle Combs, Mark Koenig, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Bob Meusel, and Tony Lazzari without even giving up a foul ball.

Yep, he just compared a horse race to Jeff Szmardjia striking out Murderer's Row. This is why you love me and hate him. This is EXACTLY why!

Think of the biggest upset you have ever thought of and multiply those odds by two, that is what we saw on Saturday.

It was such a big upset that I could not remember who won the race last year! WHO WRITES THIS SHIT???

Eh, I just wanted to bust some balls going into the weekend. Like I said, I don't like going after other recreational writers, but this week Ace said that he would not go to my casino and did not care for me stealing a bottle of champagne off the wedding party table last weekend so fuck 'em! I had nothing else to write about anyway. When in doubt, make fun of horses. Nice shoes, asshole.

A Bit Nervous Over Here

Now I'm not your typical Cleveland fan who believes that they are doomed to a lifetime of failure and being raped at a Holiday Inn by LT, but I will freely admit that I'm a little on edge. After Monday night's fecal plumb of a performance at home, the Cavs and Celtics are all even and Boston now has homecourt advantage for the remainder of the series. And the Cavs sure as shit don't look like the better team thus far.

LeBron is playing like a pussy. Mo Williams couldn't play in the MAC right now. For reasons I will never know, Mike Brown insists on playing Shaq for 20+ minutes per game eventhough they should be running the Celtics off the floor with their youthful legs. No one is trying to stop Rondo. Jamison has been a disaster trying to guard the guy who hates white people. Our 2 guards have sort of quit trying to follow Ray Allen through screens. Danny Ainge is a classless fuck-up (what a homo move that was).

To be honest, the Cavs are lucky to be tied right now. But all of that is meaningless heading into this weekend's games 3 and 4. This is the series. This is the season. A team as poorly coached as the Cavaliers can not afford to go down 3-1. They MUST win at least once this weekend. They MUST give a confidence-shaken fanbase some hope again. Because they fucking crushed that on Monday.

I expect a win tonight. And I think it will be their best performance. I mean, it almost has to be, right? Any team with any semblance of pride at all does not mail in back to back games. Boston isn't getting another big game from Rasheed and while Rondo is very good, he isn't as good as the Cavs are making him look. But I'm suffering through some fan-xiety right now anyway. Come Monday, I will either be content again or ready to jump off a bridge.

Consider this to be part 1 of my suicide letter if the shit continues to hit the fan. Oh, and the Spurs are done. Mark it down. VIVA LOS SUNS! The Magic and Lakers were given byes in round two it appears.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Casino Comin' Yo

The voters in Ohio spoke on Tuesday (hopefully for the last time about this) and it has now been decided that the central Ohio casino will be moved to the west side of town (which you and I know is the best side) instead of downtown in the Arena District. This is probably for the better. Columbus hasn't been hammered too badly by the economy but there are some pockets around the city that could use some help. Downtown is not one of them. Downtown is going to be fine for a long, long time. Where the casino is going to be built could definitely use the help. I've said it before, but the Delphi plant on Georgesville and Broad is just sad. I think it used to be a GM plant but now it's just a gigantic dilapidated building in need of some tearing down. And now it will be...finally.

The new site is about 6 miles from the original site and about 5 miles from the Money Mansion. I don't know if this will have a positive or a negative effect on my property value, but it will be nice to have an attraction nearby with hotels and restaurants (currently, the best eatery around that area is a fucking Tee Jaye's which I believe is a black Denny's). The rundown mall on that strip may even see some new businesses coming in, too. Either way, I think that this will only help the area. Well, at least in the short term. Long term, we may be looking at Little Detroit. But I doubt it. There's too much money in central Ohio for this to fail. They say it will be ready to open in late 2012 but I'll believe that when I see it. I will probably be in my 40's before those fucking doors officially swing open.

Which leads me to my topic today: how does G$ capitalize off of this? There will literally be millions and millions of dollars within a dangerous walking distance of me. How am I going to go about getting my grubby paws on that? I came up with ten potential casino-related roles that could give me a greater quality of life than my current blogger/"guy who doesn't work hard" lifestyle. You know, give me some sort of purpose.

1. The Degenerate - I become an expert at blackjack and craps and start winning money hand over fist. The probability of this happening is about 1% as I suck at these games. But I would keep trying because I am a degenerate. I would also burn up all of my vacation days from my real job playing nickel slots...because I suck at games of skill.

2. The Card Counter - Counting cards is illegal eventhough I have no idea how you could get caught doing it. I am way too dumb to become an expert at this but I've got time to learn before they open. When you think of me cheating at blackjack, don't think of The Hangover but think of the asshole who got his hand hammered in Casino. That is my future as a card counter.

3. The Magician - Every casino has some sort of retarded show going on for the guests. Give me two years and I might be able to pull a rabbit from my hat (with a bat and a six four Impala). Although as a magician, I would need to start fucking children and my neighbor's kids aren't very hot. I don't want to do this option. I'll leave the magic tricks to Ed Alonzo.

4. The Dealer - Not the sexiest job at the casino, but the dealer in Vegas Vacation makes it more enticing. Just destroying a man's life one twenty dollar bet at a time sounds like fun. And if that doesn't work out for me, I could always become a crooked dealer. There's always money available for crooked people.

5. The Eye In The Sky - Ooooh, the guys in the surveillance room trying to spot cheaters! That sounds fun to me. I would be beyond shitty at spotting this stuff but it has some power. If Ace walked in, I would totally bust him for something and then smash his head in a vise grip. "HEY, that guy is giving the dealer an HJ under the table!" You can't fool the eye in the sky, fucker.

6. The Pit Boss - Every time I go to a casino, I see this guy and his job looks like it sucks. You don't do anything! Who cares who is "changing $100"? And none of them ever look like Don Rickles. But they command respect and are not to be fucked with. I am never to be fucked with either.

7. The Valet - If I learned one thing from Casino, it's that valets know all. They can get you drugs, get you laid, get you anything you want. But mostly drugs. Even Colombians can't compare to the efficient peddling ways of the valet. And there is good money in the coke trade or so I'm told.

8. The Prostitute - Hey, brotha's gotta eat, too. Those Japanese businessman have some coin to spare!

9. The Muscle - The few times that I was a bar bouncer were outstanding. Especially when I got to throw out the guy who was Brutus Buckeye. That was awesome. Security at a casino would basically be Thunderdome. You get told who is cheating and then are pretty much obligated to beat the man within an inch of his life. Set the tone! Bitch gots to learn! No one messes with Ace Rothstein!

10. The Asshole - If all of those fail (which they will), I could always be the guy standing in front of the casino campaigning against the casino. It is what Tim Tebow would want me to do. Who am I kidding? I could never do this. I like gambling too much.

Oh, I'm full of shit and you see right through this. I know exactly how this is going to go down. I will go there within the first week and win $60-80. I will go again two weeks later and lose $200 vowing not to go back. A month after that, I drop a mortgage payment playing blackjack at 2 pm on a Wednesday. And then I will forget about the place for good only going once a year when someone visits and wants to check the place out. I don't need Miss Cleo to tell me how this is going to play out. It's going to be bad news. Awesome bad news.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Glory Tase...They'll Pass You By

Monday, we sort of discussed the moral dilemma surrounding Jeff Ireland's questioning of Dez Bryant. I found nothing wrong with it but whatever. If you did, you are on Mike Greenberg's side and that makes you wrong AND a Jets fan. Today, we are going to hit the moral highway again.

Monday night, a 17 year old kid hopped the fence at a Phillies game in the 8th inning and ran onto the field. He called his dad asking if it was a good idea to which his father correctly told him that it was not. He did it anyway running from the cops for a minute or two before being taken the fuck down with a Taser. Now, cops usually just wait for these idiots to tire themselves out and then tackle the little fuckers, but this officer had seen enough and ended it with some high voltage. People are questioning whether this was necessary or not. Was this an overreaction by the cop or in line with what should be done to end these types of situations? I mean, after all, a Taser is a weapon capable of killing a person who is not built as great as I am.

What do I think? You're Goddamn fucking right that this was a legit use of force. That shithead was trespassing. What happened to the old America where if someone was on your property uninvited, you could fuck their world up? Reports state that he was not drunk or high so he was basically just making a scene with some disorderly conduct. He isn't supposed to be fucking out there. He knows it. The last baseball game that I went to, I didn't say to myself, "You know, this is fun but what would be even better would be if I got involved!" Of course not. People that run onto playing fields (for absolutely no fucking reason) are retards that deserve to be punished and punished severely. Unless he was just delivering Mac's love letter to Chase Utley...then that's cool.

This isn't the 1970's anymore where chicks with humongous tits ran onto the field to kiss players. That doesn't happen anymore (eventhough it should). No, today you have guys like the Ligue Boys running out on the field to beat up an old man (one of which carried a switchblade out there). You have Red Sox fans taking swipes at Gary Sheffield (it takes a real fuckcake to do something that stupid). You have Browns fans trying to be cool but getting PWNED by James Harrison (youtube "James Harrison Browns Fan"). People are dumber these days and their intentions are not always clear. These skidmarks are already committing a crime or two by hopping the fence and they should thusly be treated like criminals. If that means that force is necessary than so be it. I'll tell you what, if I was a pro athlete, I would rather have security be overly cautious than be the guy who got Monica Seles'ed in centerfield.

I think that the best thing to come from this is that now there is a legit punishment. Before, they would just eject you from the park and slap your wrist. Now if you get rowdy and stupid, expect to get struck by lightning, bitch. And when did stupid people think it was cool to run on the field of play anyway? It isn't. They are nothing more than an inconvenience to everyone else who has to wait for you to go down so that the game can restart.

Basically, what it comes down to is that if you aren't rocking DD's, just stay in your fucking seat. No one came to the game to watch you. The kid told his dad before making his move that "running onto the field is an opportunity of a lifetime".

You're damn right it was, kid. 40,000 people just got to see their first live Tasing. That is something that you never forget.