Monday, November 30, 2009

The Worst Of Week Twelve Vol.III

(FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGS!!! I'm tired of talking about how shitty these two shits are so I won't today)

OK, dammit. I'm sold. Vince Young is the shit. I apologize for every bad thing that I've ever said about him (and there has been a lot). When he and Chris Johnson are on the field together, it is absolutely acceptable to have a boner. VY did it again yesterday by going 99 yards (against a Matt Leinart-led team!!!) for their fifth win in a row (why the fuck did it take so long to bench that drunk Collins again?). I have now officially switched my "other team" association. It started with the Niners but I am fully on board the Titans bandwagon now. If I was retarded enough to have a "power poll" ranking NFL teams in an arbitrary fashion that means nothing, I would put VY's Titans at #5.

Vince, you seem like a guy who would troll the internet searching for stories about yourself, I fucking love you. You make watching Carlos Rogers and Fred Smoot not covering anyone tolerable. I wish that AT&T had the "all-VY channel" as part of the Red Zone package. How do I segue into the shitty performances from the week that was? I don't know but I'll figure it out. That's why they pay me the big bucks.

5. Jake Delhomme - He really is a mainstay and I should probably make Jake the first Hall of Fame Worst Of inductee. He threw more passes OFF THE WRONG FOOT yesterday than he did the right way. It was embarrassing. It was like watching Les Miles operate a 2 minute drill. Just horrendous. Delhomme was throwing passes like Strut bowls (he also releases his ball off the wrong foot for reasons that even he does not know). Jake passes footballs around the Meadowlands like me losing to She$ in bowling on Friday night (I was not drunk, only was on my second Stroh's, just extremely ashamed and I'm done talking about it). I think that about sums up Delhomme.

4. Chad Henne - I actually got into an argument with a Dolphins fan last week (he probably thinks that Jimmy Buffett is good). He told me that Chad Pennington gave the Fins the best chance to win. I called him a child molester and shit on his face for being a retard. Henne makes that team better...unless he is playing in the vast wasteland of Buffalo. That was horrible. I was close to making the Fins my "other team" for the year until yesterday. But I can't support a team who loses to the Bills, has Henne at QB, AND has a coach who wears sunglasses at all times like an asshole.

3. Gary Kubiak - He can pack his fucking bags already. His job is officially gone. It is not just dumb luck that his teams piss their pants in big spots EVERY TIME. How do you blow a 17 point lead at home? I don't care who you are playing, that is unacceptable. The Texans are done and should enjoy their hundredth 8-8 season in a row. By the way, all of those big name coaches should be looking at THIS job over any other. You can win with the Texans roster. They just haven't had a head coach for the past four seasons. Kind of like the Colts right now. Jim Caldwell does absolutely nothing.

2. Ohio - Oh, Christ. That is fucking TWICE now that the Bingles have played down to the Browns level. I can't respect that. At all. That was the worst game of the day. Carson Palmer was terrible as he has been for the past month. Larry Johnson got a bunch of undeserved carries. Ocho didn't score for about the 8th week in a row. Brady Quinn played like he was still at Notre Dame (poorly). This game should not have been televised. But everyone knows that the Browns suck, the Bingles are what really bothers me. You can't keep mailing in games against lesser teams. I'm not really sure who the worse 8-3 team is between Cincy and Dallas. Neither one has a shot in Hell at playing in the Super Bowl this season. That makes me happy.

1. Thanksgiving Football - Holy fucking shit. Tyler Perry couldn't even make football this unwatchable. Let's start with game 1. Obviously, I was at my boyhood home for the holiday in which TWO turkeys were deep-fried for SIX people. Leftovers, bitch! Anyway, the Lions game was going to be blacked-out up until Wednesday. Seriously. There was a blackout risk for the damn turkey day game. It's time to take the game away from Detroit or at least make them play on the road. At least game 2 was better! If you remember, last year everyone bitched about how Thanksgiving needed to be changed because the games were all horrible. The NFL's response? LET'S GIVE THE COUNTRY THE FUCKING RAIDERS IN A SPOTLIGHT GAME AGAINST ANOTHER TEAM THAT EVERYONE HATES!!! Fucking idiots. There is no excuse for this. And then there is game 3 in which more than half of the country couldn't watch. I would have loved to see Eli make his stupid retard faces for three hours. The NFL does NOTHING right when it comes to Thanksgiving. Not one thing. Daughtry? Really? They are about as popular as a dick in the ear. And we get it already, Detroit is MoTown and we've all heard the same fucking songs at every Detroit-area sporting event over the past 20 years. Bruce Gradkowski is about as welcome in the Money house during Thanksgiving as cranberry sauce. FIX THANKSGIVING, YOU REDHEADED FUCK OF A COMMISSIONER. I'm sick and fucking tired of watching this horseshit. Send the Giants to Dallas. Send TCU to Detroit. Do fucking something!

You know what pisses me off the most though? Toby Gerhart did what I said he would do and he won the Heisman (and put an exclamation point on his Weisman) on Saturday night yet people still keep talking about Colt McCoy. Fuck him. Speaking of which, how awesome were the Saturday night college football games? I'm usually quite negative toward that game, but the drama was outstanding (much better than the pro game for once). Or maybe I was just happy that Charlie Weis was getting fired. Yeah, it was probably that.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

His Name...Is TOBY!!!

Ah yes, the final post at The Money Shot before a long, hard-earned holiday weekend. Did you all make sure to enjoy the "Roots" reference in the title? Good. As I mentioned earlier, I have been on vacation all this week and have barely left the living room at all. In fact, as I write this, I am too lazy to leave the room eventhough my wife is watching some of the atrocious programming that Bravo has to offer. So I dug through my CD's and decided to blow the shit out of my eardrums with some Big Tymers. Sifting through my CD's, one thing became evident...why do I own a bunch of Sonic Youth albums when I hate them? Stupid kids.

But I digress. For today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fourth year that we've done this now and I nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has it's own Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we will now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the Weisman Award. It is (obviously) named after Derek Weisman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. Past Weisman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow

It's been discussed ad nauseum regarding how boring and shitty the college football season has been this season. The only decent conference that provides any excitement at all is the Pac-10. The SEC has been a fucking snoozer. The Big Ten should not even have words wasted on it. The Big 12 is back to being terrible. The Big East has been surprisingly good as I look forward to the UC/Wannstache game next weekend. The ACC--well--it has been there. Georgia Tech is awesome and Clemson doesn't suck as much as usual. Basically, what I'm getting at here is that nothing about this season will EVER be remembered outside of Charlie Weis getting fired and LeGarrette Blount beating up that honky in week one. That's it.

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Eddie George beat out Tommie Frazier in 1995, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass. EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curbstomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tim Tebow loses out on a 3rd straight Weisman. This is why Colt McCoy is not considered. Jimmy Clausen does not get an invite to the ceremony because he got his ass beat this week.

The invitees: Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama; Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford; Dan Lefevour, QB, Central Michigan

The 2009 winner of The Money Shot's Weisman Award...Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford!!!

Ingram is getting all the press and it's solely due to him running behind an NFL-caliber O-Line and that his team is undefeated. I will not deny that he is a stud, BUT he's had 4 sub-100 yard games this year and I get the feeling that many RB's could put up similar numbers on that team. LeFevour has, BY FAR, been the best QB in the nation this season. He's completing 71% of his passes for the Chips, has 22 TD passes with 14 rushing TD's. Those numbers are Tebow-ish! CMU is 9-2 this year with the only losses coming at Arizona and BC...nothing to scoff at. But these two are no Gerhart.

Toby has rushed for triple digits in 9 of 11 games. He leads the country in rushing touchdowns with 23 (and this is BEFORE he scores 5 against that porous Notre Dame defense this weekend). He is second in rushing yards. He is doing all of this while playing at STANFORD! Have they even had anyone play in the NFL since TOUCHDOWN TOMMY VARDELL?

What it comes down to here is tradition. When was the last time that a white RB was even an option let alone being a dominating force in the best conference in the country (this year)? It had to have been World War II. He's like Jackie Robinson!!! And I love a RB wearing the number 7. Badass. It's like a stud LB wearing single digits. It just fits.

So congratulations, TOBY GERHART, on your well-deserved 2009 Weisman Award. You probably won't win the Heisman because the voters are fucktards, but you have just been immortalized in the blogging community. And isn't that why anyone plays college football?

Have a good holiday weekend everyone. Tonight will be Ricksalicious and tomorrow night the Naptown Wolverine Thanksgiving Poker Classic will be played. These are your chances to kiss my ring this weekend.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

BC-ACE Week 6: Tressel The Merciful

Alright, let's get this shit over with. I'm not going to sit here and tell you guys that Michigan played a good game. I'm not going to tell you that Michigan was in it until the very end. I'm not going to tell you that Pryor sucks at passing and should be moved to WR...even though it is true if Tressel doesn't use him properly. I'm not going to tell you that Michigan's defense played great by only giving up 318 yards. What I am going to tell you is that Michigan sucks...and that Stefanie Spielman's corpse could have quarterbacked the Fuckeyes to a win Saturday. What I am also going to tell you is that those uniforms were fucking hideous. I don't care what kind of check Nike wrote, you don't wear that shit for THEE FUCKING GAME!

Either Tressel is just a kind soul who didn't want to curb stomp his hated rival on the national stage, or he is a fucking moron, and I'm not quite sure which. The only reason Michigan didn't get blown out by four TD's is because Tressel knew he didn't need it to beat Michigan. He knew his defense could force turnovers. He knew his offense could score whenever he wanted. Thankfully, he lined up in the I-form most of the game and grinded it out. If the Fuckeyes take all of their snaps out of the shot gun, like they should, and let Pryor run a Read Option, like they should, then the Fuckeyes may not have punted the ball the entire game. It's crazy to see how athletic Pryor is in person. How you cannot tailor your offense towards a player like that is beyond me. Again, I don't know if it is because Tressel is slightly retarded or because he felt sorry for us, but either way I am thankful.

The only bright spot of Saturday was listening to drunken commenter Dustin and drunken commenter Jeff sing Boyz II Men at the tail-end of their 14 hour binge drinking session on the drive back down to Columbus. Simply breathtaking.

I'm glad DickRod is back and I hope to Krishna that we figure some shit out on defense. Now who is ready for some Big Ten basketball? Whoooo!

ACE'S BOTTOM BITCH: Alabama. I don't really have to explain myself at this point.

2. Florida. They let FIU score. If they would have shut them out I would have moved them up. Go 'Noles!

3. TCU. You know how I feel about TCU, I fucking love them. I could go on and on, but somebody already did that for me.

4. Texas. Can you believe that fucking pussy Colt McCoy has won more games than any other college QB? As a college football fan, that is embarrassing.

5. Cincinnati. Cincy had a week off and gets two full weeks to prepare for an awful Illini squad...I don't really care and you probably don't either.

6. Georgia Tech. Same old story for Georgia Tech. I love this team. Only Georgia left on the regular season schedule for them. If they beat Georgia by more than 24 I might move them in front of Florida.

7. Boise St. Boise, you are officially on upset alert. You heard it here first, Nevada is going to take down the mighty Broncos Saturday night.

8. Oregon. Arizona is a tough team when playing at home. Oregon went in there and took Arizona's best shot and still walked out with a victory. Now they just have to pound some Beaver to get to the Rose Bowl.

Last but not least...This really pains me, but I've got to give credit where credit is due. As much as I have tried to deny this team its rightful place in the BC-ACE, I can't do it anymore.
9. Pittsburgh!!!

Sorry Fuckeyes, but you just don't belong here. No team from the Big Ten this year is one of the best 10 teams in the country. I just pray that none of the other Big Ten teams get an at-large bid to a BCS dance because that will make our bad conference look even worse.

Also, I called Cal over Stanford so I don't want to hear any of your shit about Stanford in the comments. They would still own the Fuckeyes.

So bring the hate, I'm ready pussies.

Best Story Ever

Notre Dame (sucks) quarterback Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face by an irate fan outside a South Bend restaurant (male review) early Sunday morning and has a swollen eye (twat), a person (his same-sex lover) briefed on the incident said.

That person
(his sugar bear) said Clausen (faggot) was "sucker-punched" (queer beat) by a fan (guy playing Smear The Queer) as he left an establishment after having dinner (intercourse) with his parents (Lou Holtz).

The fan (American hero) allegedly said something (You are a fucking homo) to Clausen and/or a female acquaintance (not a female).

This news really helped me get over my fucking TIE to Damman in G$FL tonight. And since I'm too lazy to punch him to break the tie, I will settle on Clausen getting lit up instead. KEEP CHARLIE, KILL JIMMY!!! Speaking of which, who wants to play Smear The Queer???

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Worst Of Week Eleven Vol.III

(Sadly, this man got to call himself a winner yesterday. I'd bet that he likes to be choked.)

You are all likely well aware that Ohio State beat Michigan this past weekend. If you aren't, what the fuck is your problem and where the hell were you last week? We talked about it every fucking day! Anyway, the game was boring. Michigan still sucks. The defense still covers up for Terrelle Pryor not being able to matriculate the ball down the field (Hank Stram reference!!!). But the real fun is the remainder of the day. After the overrated affair, I DESTROYED Damman at Seinfeld Scene-It. He was running his mouf off and I silenced that fuck-up with a dominating performance in my inebriated state. Eventually, we made it up to Dublin for our third annual post-OSU/UM game tradition...drunken karaoke. After Damman and I PWNED the pool table with amazing bank shots and impeccable smack talk, the show was on. I flat out killed my version of The Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang. Got one hell of an ovation. Made me feel like a real winner. Also tradition at that bar? At some point, Damman throws up in the bathroom every year. Mission accomplished on that front, too. TRADITIONS DO NOT DIE! Twas a great night.

But do you know what the best tradition is? Me taking the entire week off during Thanksgiving week. It's awesome and I've been doing it for 5 years now. While you schlubs are being "productive", I'm sitting semi-nude in my recliner trying to determine if Hannah Storm is spank-worthy (my early guess is "no"). But not everything can be as awesome as a week's worth of vacation in which I only really had to burn up 3 vacation days. In fact, the AFC North had one of the worst weekends in the history of football. Let's discuss the shittiest of the shitty:

5. The Browns - It takes a special kind of suck to blow a 3 TD lead to the god damn Lions. How is that possible? I think my favorite part of that game was the ending. A stupid PI penalty on a hail mary, the Browns DESTROYED Stafford on that play and fucked up his shoulder, they had to call a timeout because apparently they were terrified of Culpepper, and then TD...and then loss. Glorious. There are some idiots out there who feel that this was a landmark game for both Stafford and Brady The Fag King. It was not for either. Especially Quinn. He still sucks. He still can't play in this league. Notre Dame fans still don't know anything about football. The Browns...what a fucking terrible team.

4. Shaun Suisham - You know, even at 3-7 and after realizing that this season is over, that loss still hurts (which makes me better than Browns fans who would rather have a higher draft pick than beat the don't deserve a winner). The Skins, albeit ugly, dominated that game in Little D. Romo was his usual self (terrible). Wade Phillips was still fat and stupid. Rock Cartwright actually looked like a competent football player for the first time in 5 years. But our kicker, that fucking dickhead from Bowling Green, misses two field goals and costs the Skins a HUGE victory over a hated rival. I hate Suisham so fucking much. The Redskins haven't had a decent kicker since Chip fucking Lohmiller in the early-90's. By the way, why does every Cowboy act like a complete jackass whenever they do anything positive? I'm talking about Brooking, Miles Austin, Barber, Witten, actually everyone on that team. I hate them so much. I officially hate Dallas more than Ohio State.

3. Mark Sanchise - Pete Carroll was right. This jalapeno popper was not ready for the NFL. Is he trying to beat Jay Cutler for most interceptions this season? The Jets are awful. How do you give up two touchdowns to Laurence Maroney? By the way, did you know that Kool-Aid Man has scored in 5 straight games? If you had to pick who the worst starting RB in football was, Maroney would easily be in the top 3. He is terrible. Yet he keeps scoring. Pisses me off. Where was I? Oh, yes, Mark Sanchez is terrible.

2. The Steelers - Oh boy. This is starting to feel like 2006 all over again. Remember, the year after they won their first Super Bowl with this group, they followed that up with a season in which nothing went right. Ben got into the accident and then go hurt. They lost to the Raiders then. They lost to the Chiefs now. Polamalu is hurt and apparently if he does not play, their defense has no idea what to do. Because they...were...AWFUL. That special teams coach should be fired. What are they waiting for! They give up HUGE returns every damn week. When the offense scores 24 points, the Steelers should NEVER lose. And now my Super Bowl pick could be fighting for their playoff lives. Don't feel bad, though, Steelers fans...the Redskins lost to the Chiefs, too!!! Look at how well it's worked out for us!

1. The Bengals - If you didn't see this one coming, you are blind. Every time that the Bengals start thinking that they are good, karma comes back to remind them that they are from Cincy and that means that they are losers. I blame the signing of Larry Johnson for this. He is a cancer. Bad things happen wherever this douche goes. They just signed their own death warrant. But it was extremely awesome watching these losers the RAIDERS. Let's take it easy on those Super Bowl thoughts. Who loses to the Raiders!!! It's Bruce fucking Gradkowski! He used to take cash bribes from Iraqis to shave points at Toledo. Hell, he is still smuggling heroin for his boy, Scooter McDougle. Mr. Ace is a big Gradkowski fan...he has a fetish for Polish boners though. The Bengals are still not a top-echelon team in the NFL.

By the way, what the fuck happened to Faith Hill's face? She looks awful during her NBC song. Her face is so tight. She isn't fooling anyone. Whatever, I'm going to spend the next two days watching Oz DVD's and tailgating for some Wednesday night Rick's boozing. Because if I don't do this, the terrorists win.

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Barely A Rivalry

We've heard from Mr. Ace already and he was as faggy as ever and now it's time to hear from the overlord of this here site. For those of you who have no vested interest in the Ohio State/Michigan game, you are very lucky. It is insufferable here. You know, for being strictly a regional rivalry, in which the game rarely ever lives up to the hype, it sure does get talked about alot. And it is always annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if I don't like it, I should leave Columbus. I get it. Remember that the next time I want to talk about hockey or the NBA, fucko.

I plan on staying relatively sober during the game. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I'm getting older now and getting black out drunk at 3 pm isn't as appealling to me anymore. But that is probably my downfall. Big Ten football not only encourages binge drinking, it DEMANDS it. Because mass quantities of booze is the only thing that makes these vanilla-ass offenses of the Big Ten remotely watchable. Nevertheless, here is my unbiased (not really, it is the only week that I root for Michigan) look at the game tomorrow...which used to be a rivalry until one of the teams decided to stop being competitive.

1. Terrelle Pryor - He still sucks but he's been sucking less recently. It appears that Tressel does not want him to throw the ball further than 3 yards downfield unless Devier Posey has no one within 40 yards of him. Can he reel in his emotions? Will he turn it over? I doubt it, Michigan's defense truly is abysmal.

2. The OSU O-Line - I have no idea how this is possible seeing as the Buckeye OL over the past decade has been grossly overrated (see: Boone, Alex and Dye, Dan!), but they have been pushing bitches around the past few games. I have been shocked. I get the feeling that Michigan will make Pryor beat them off with his arm as opposed to his legs (TP gives amazing legjobs, I hear), can they continue the push in the middle?

3. Tension - Will something happen that proves to me that this is a real rivalry. Everybody does the whole pregame "both teams line up at the 50 and start jumping around" thing. Someone throw a punch! At least in the UNC/Duke rivalry (which I have determined to be the best in the land), Gerald Henderson throws cheap shot elbows at Psycho T. And they were fucking lottery picks! That, right there, is some pure hate. I need to see something from the players. The fans will continue to be themselves (for Ohio State, that means "assholes" and for Michigan, that means "Asian"), let's see some over-the-top passion between the lines for once.

4. Denard Robinson - This kid is fucking terrible. He should not see the field at all. I'm quite positive that he has done nothing good all season long when he has been in the game. Forcier or bust. That's how it has to be.

5. Matt Millen - This fuck-up is doing the game for ABC in the same state that he destroyed. Good call. For those of you who still claim that this is the best rivalry in all of sports, ABC/ESPN is sending their C team to cover this. You got bumped for fucking Arizona/Oregon and Kansas/Texas. God, Millen sucks. He has already made a likely shitty game even worse and he hasn't even muttered one retarded word yet.

6. Rich Rodriguez - The true wild card here. He is fighting for his job. He is fighting to get to a bowl game. He has to coach as though this is his last game because it could be. That means trick plays and going for it on 4th down like Belichick and raping Holly Rowe at halftime. This is it, buddy. No prisoners.

I see this game going one of two ways: Michigan wins a squeaker or Ohio State fucking rolls. And I think we will know after the first 5 minutes how it will go. You will be able to tell if the Wolverines quit on their coach early. The past few UM games, they quit. Do they just want the season to end tomorrow or not?

The line on this game is OSU -12. I have no clue why anyone would take the points with Michigan. They are inferior at just about every position. BUT, Ohio State really isn't playing for anything this week. Sure, you want to crush your rival, but the conference and Rose Bowl have already been locked up. Maybe they spent a good chunk of the week patting themselves on the back for winning the Big Taint/losing to Purdue. I don't know.

I'm not going to bet on it happening, but I will pick it anyway (because I don't care if I'm wrong). Michigan 23, Ohio State 21. RichRod saves his job...until he gets destroyed by Central Michigan in the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl. Enjoy the game tomorrow (you won't) and remember...this game is not nearly as important as a mid-June Yankees/Red Sox game!!!

On a serious note, sad news about Stefanie Spielman passing away yesterday. She and Chris did a lot of great things for cancer research.

Because It's Dallas Week

Fuck you, Jerry. Even as a drunk, you still need to die.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

You'll Be Wishing For Prince In 20 Years

(Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?)

Do you know how the NFL keeps bringing in old people to "rock" the Super Bowl halftime show? Sure you do. Thanks to Michael Jackson's black sister's nipple, we are forever doomed with pedestrian mini-concerts by people who like to eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. We have had some decent halftime shows recently. Tom Petty was good and McCartney was solid...and that's about it.

U2 is the worst fucking band on the planet and it was offensive that these Irish pricks got to shit all over 9/11 with their shittiness. Prince eats ass but will at least make you pancakes. Springsteen fans are fucking morons who are convinced that he is the greatest. I hate the Stones. And that one year with Aerosmith, Timberlake, Nelly, and Britney...holy shit. They should have just played Danzig over the public address system. They should do that anyway though.

This year, we get The Who. And I could not be happier. The Who is bad-fucking-ass. Forget about all the intros to all of those horseshit CSI shows, this is finally a show that should kick ass. I guarantee that they close with "My Generation", by the way. Anyone want to bet me on that? But this awesomeness does not change the fact that the NFL is still going strong when it comes to bringing in a bunch of old dudes for their game of the year.

Think about this and try not to start 2029, when the Redskins are trying for an unprecedented 19th straight Super Bowl championship, who do you think Roger Goodell is going to bring in? The possibilities are terrifying.

Nickelback? Just fucking rotten
John Mayer? Horse's ass
Coldplay? Faggots
Jason Mraz? Prefers getting fucked by dudes over football
Toby Keith? No one important listens to country music
It's going to be Nickelback, God dammit.

This is going to happen. Those Canadian assholes are going to do a Super Bowl halftime show within the next two decades. Everything is in place for them. Lacks controversy. Generic lyrics. Awful lyrics. Sacks of shit. Pussies. They've got everything that the NFL could ever want.

I guess the only thing that makes me feel good is that, eventually, Pearl Jam and the Foo Fighters will get their shot on Super Sunday. Don't you think? But Jesus Christ, music today is terrible. No wonder Goodell keeps going with old people. My Generation really fucking sucks musically. See what I did there? I insulted modern music by using a title from a Who song. I'm so clever. Maybe I'll get a Super Bowl halftime show, too.

Josh Cribbs Is A Football Player

(I don't care what the situation is. A helmet without a facemask attached is ALWAYS hilarious.)

"I can't even put into words how upset I am at them for leaving him in like that," said agent J.R. Rickert in a text. "Fortunately, he's doing well."

I can't believe that I'm about to do this, but I'm going to defend the Browns here. For those of you who were intelligent enough to avoid this week's MNF atrocity and any lowlights about it, here is what went down. On the final play of the game, the Browns (who have scored 5 offensive touchdowns over the past FIFTEEN games) tried a hook and lateral (it's not "ladder", knobgoblin) with Josh Cribbs catching the ball and pitching it to Stonehands Robert Royal. Cribbs caught the ball, alright, and his reward was to be DEMOLISHED by some Raven that I've never heard of. He had to be stretchered and has a concussion or something.

His agent was pissed that he was in the game at all with a meager 3 seconds left and that the Browns were using him to run a pointless trick play. Well guess what, faggot? Your client PLAYS GODDAMN FOOTBALL!!! If you want him to be on the field more and to get another big contract, he's going to have to take reps at WR. It isn't fucking rocket science.

Wait a minute, all of a sudden this special teamer is apparently too good to be playing garbage time minutes on offense? How about working at your craft a bit? If you want to bitch about your contract, how about proving your worth in more than one facet? Not one fucking player in the NFL is JUST a kick returner. Sure, Cribbs may be one of, if not the, best returners in the game...but special fucking teamers don't get paid. Every down players do. And I don't see millions of dollars coming the way to a guy with 12 catches for 71 yards and 0 touchdowns this season. Not even the Browns are that stupid.

Quit being a fucking pussy, J.R. Rickert, and realize that with or without your client, the Lions are still going to roll up on the Browns by 20 points this Sunday. And do you know what is mindfuckingly retarded? When the media reports about LeBron wanting to play for the Browns.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

anOSU vs. Michigan: The Preview You've All Been Waiting For

It's that time of the year again, fellas. We can put aside our bitter differences and revel in the fact that our teams are part of the greatest rivalry in all of sports--I don't even know if I believe that anymore. The Fuckeyes roll into Ann Arbor Saturday and I must admit that it doesn't look good for my Wolverines. Michigan's defense sucks. Michigan's defense is terrible. Michigan's defense is more fucking rotten then my favorite photog's snatch--I'm joking, it is wonderful, I'd hit it and so would you. The way I see it, Michigan only has one chance to win this game; let Mr. Ace take over at Defensive Coordinator.

If I were given the reigns to the defense this week my main goal would be to stop the run. My next goal would be to take away the middle of the field. Michigan's linebackers are notorious for getting sucked up by play action and leaving enormous gaps in the zone to be exploited by tight ends or slot receivers. That shit can't happen Saturday. The corners will be playing press coverage all game and there should be one deep safety in the middle, slightly shaded to the side of the field that Donovan Warren isn't on. If Obi Ezeh is in the game he is going to be blitzing straight up the middle every play because he brings nothing else to the defense. Michigan is going to have to move Brandon Graham around a little bit so the Fuckeyes cannot double and triple team him every play. Make Pryor throw the ball down the field and outside the hash marks. The message to the defense has to be "make Pryor beat us." He is going to scramble, he is too great of an athlete not to, but we cant let him break a long one for a TD and we can't allow a short pass to turn into a big gain. If Michigan can somehow do this it greatly improves our chances of winning.

Unfortunately, there is probably about a 15% chance of that happening. But that's why they play the game or something like that. Onto the prediction.

I see the first half going about the same as last years, but with Michigan scoring a little more. Michigan will have the lead going into half. Let me repeat that, Michigan will have the lead at half. I expect the offense to keep the Fuckeyes D off balance with a lot of misdirection and quick throws, and a couple shots down the field. After watching what Wisky was able to do I am a little worried that we will get run all over. That simply comes down to linebackers stepping up, filling lanes, and making tackles. If we can do that we can hold the Fuckeyes to a couple field goal attempts and maybe the futbol player turned kicker will miss one or two. I think Michigan will run some hurry up to start the game to hopefully slow down the Fuckeye pressure. Like I said, we will be alright early. I expect Michigan to go into half with the lead. Something like 14-13.

The second half is where the game will likely be lost in excruciating fashion. My head is telling me that Tressel will adjust to our defense and come out and hang around 30 on us in the second half. That's just what Michigan does. At the beginning of the year we were a team that was thriving late in the game, even games that we eventually lost we still made a late surge to almost take the game. But lately Michigan has crumbled in the second half. I don't really see any reason that we wouldn't do the same thing again. Fuckeyes jump ahead quick and get up two scores and then can pin their ears back and go after Forcier. Forcier has a little bit of gunslinger in him, and is a true freshman, so he is likely to toss up some dicey passes that will surely end in turnovers. Michigan will get some scores, but not nearly enough. If I am strictly going with my head, I see this game ending up 38-24.

But I'm a fucking Michigan fan, at this point I can't think with my head, I think with my balls. And my balls are telling me that I need to shower...and that Michigan will find a way to rattle Pryor and force some turnovers. My balls are telling me that Darryl Stonum is going to take a kickoff to the house. And most importantly, my balls are telling me that Tate Forcier is the second coming of Football Jesus. Michigan pulls of the upset in a shootout, 34-33.

So what does this mean? Well, it either means that my balls are the reincarnation of Nostradamus or I've got the Clap.

Fuck the Fuckeyes! Fuck them right in Tressel's puckered up butt hole.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

BC-ACE Week 5: Beat The Fuckeyes Week

I drove over 1,000 miles this weekend and was in the car for damn near 20 hours, all to go to Camp Randall and watch Michigan completely and totally collapse, yet again, in the second half. I wasn't really surprised, so it's hard to be pissed about it. It's also hard to be pissed about it because 90% of the time I was on that trip I had one of Wisconsin's excellent local brewery creations in hand...New Glarus' Spotted Cow is one of the best beers I've ever had and Lake Louie's Tommy's Porter was pretty good as well. But our defense is a bigger joke than Cleveland being allowed to host a Monday Night game, what the fuck was Goodell thinking? It is time for heads to roll in Ann Arbor...but I'm not talking about Rich Rod. I'm not even sure that Greg Robinson should go, but I wouldn't complain if he was canned. Anybody who has any responsibility for any part of the defense that isn't the defensive line needs to get the fuck out. It's fucking embarrassing. If I can call out what plays Wisconsin is about to run from the 80th row then the defense should have a fucking clue. But they don't. They have no fucking clue.

Other things I took from Wisconsin: For the most part, Wisconsin fans are a fun bunch. Not fucks like...well, fuckeyes, not douchers like Sparty fans, and not annoying fucking pricks like ND fans. However, where they excel in good times, they fail badly in intelligence. I have never encountered a dumber population in my entire life, and that is saying a lot considering who we have roaming around this site. If Wisconsin took an IQ test, the score would come back Down Syndrome.

Also, what the fuck are Cheese Curds and why are people paying money for them? Disgusting people....I digress.

ACE'S BOTTOM BITCH: Alabama. They simply dominated Mississippi State, the same Mississippi State team that might have beaten the Gators if it weren't for a questionable ruling on an INT returned for a TD. Do people really still think that Florida is a better team?

2. Florida. I really thought the Ol' ball coach was going to pull of the upset on Saturday, but they just didn't have enough offense to get it done. Looking down Florida's results this year I just don't see a game that I am really impressed with...beating 6-4 UGA by 24?

3. TCU. I'm moving them up and I don't give a shit. In the last four weeks TCU has played two teams that were ranked 16th in the nation, one of which on the road, and they won those games by a combined 58 points! This team is legit.

4. Texas. The Big 12 sucks. I don't care. Texas has only played one team inside the top 15 and that was Oklahoma State. TCU could beat Texas.

5. Cincinnati. I said a couple weeks ago that I wouldn't talk about Cincy in detail until after they beat WVU. They beat WVU. Now I won't talk about them again until they play Pitt...other than pleading with Brian Kelly to please not go to Notre Dame because you will lose your soul.

6. Georgia Tech. Same old story for Georgia Tech. I love this team. Only Georgia left on the schedule for them. If they beat Georgia by more than 24 I might move them in front of Florida.

7. Boise St. Well, they finally blew somebody out. Too bad they got outgained by fucking Idaho.

8. Pitt. Pitt's defense held ND to three points in the first three quarters Saturday. ND would rally back but Pitt had enough to hold them off. They also managed to virtually guarantee that Charlie Weis' fupa would no longer walk the ND sidelines after this season...which I hate them for. How the fuck did this team lose to NC State?

9. Oregon. They ran into a buzzsaw at Stanford. Coming of the huge home domination of USC, Oregon simply wasn't ready for what Stanford was bringing. They are still the best team in the PAC 10 which means they definitely belong in the top 10.

10. Stanford. Yes, I am fucking serious. Have you watched them the last two weeks? They soundly took it to then number 8 Oregon and then turn around the very next week and annihilate USC at the fucking Coliseum! Don't tell me this isn't one of the best 10 teams in the country right now. And I fucking hate Jim Harbaugh's faggot ass, but he deserves some credit.

I know I am going to take shit for not having the Fuckeyes in the top 10, but the truth is they don't deserve it. Compare any of these teams resume's with theirs and they just don't stack up. Sorry...not really though.

Also, much to your pleasure, I will be back tomorrow with a preview for THE GAME! This will be an honest prediction of what will happen on Saturday...something you Fuckeyes around here are incapable of doing without looking back to 2002 and claiming you are one of the top 5 programs in the history of the earth. So suck on that for 24 hours and bring your A game tomorrow. BITCHES.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Worst Of Week Ten Vol.III

There is this broad that lives a few houses down from me that pisses me off. Sure, she's sort of trashy cute, rarely wears a bra, and I would bet is a lesbian, but she angers me to no end. See, she has a little pug yet has no idea what she's doing. At least once a week, the little bastard will get free and run through the neighborhood just asking to get leveled by a car. Again, this happens EVERY week. And she goes after him half-assed. And after about 10 minutes, she will just quit. Which usually leads to the dog making a home in G$'s yard and pissing in my bushes. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? I'm not blaming the dog...he's just a dog. Get your fucking shit in order, floppy tits, because if I see that dog get hit by a truck while I'm watching football in my well-crafted ass groove recliner, I'm coming after you. Hard. I will shove a 2 foot long wooden dagger up your rug-munching box. Bitch.

Anyway, in case you were wondering about that high school game I went to on Friday night, my Cats lost a 6-3 heartbreaker to a team that dressed exactly like Boston College. It wasn't even that close. Most boring game I've ever seen...and that's saying a lot. But enough of that, it's time to talk about the NFL's worst of the weekend (extended edition!).

7. Matt Ryan - You may not have noticed, but Matty Ice has had a very, very average season during his sophomore campaign. Oh, let's be honest, he's been bad. I don't really get it. I assume it's a slump and will give him the benefit of the doubt. But he was outplayed by Jake Delhomme yesterday and that is not tolerable. And for God's sake, Arthur Blank, either grow a mustache or don't!

6. Andy Reid - Who knew that when HERM! Edwards was fired, he would be reincarnated as a fat ass. Reid seems to be getting worse every game. The ax should fall after this season in which the Eagles will not make the playoffs. He has done a terrible job. He has no idea how to use Mike Vick. He hasn't won a challenge since 2002. He can't get his team to get perform in short yardage situations. He kicks field goals from fourth and inches from inside the 5 yard line. RichRod is a better coach than Reid.

5. The Injury Bug - Holy sweet Jesus...were there a lot of injuries yesterday or what? And not just tackles and linebackers but big time fantasy players. CedBen went did Hair Polamalu...and Burner Turner...and Ronnie Brown...and Mark Colombo...and Jordan Gross...and Brian Westbrook (who is headed to IR after two concussions in three weeks)...and your mom. Brutal. The waiver wire is going to be burning up in your fantasy leagues this coming week.

4. Jay Cutler - 5 picks against the Niners. 17 picks in nine games. Still a below .500 record as a starter in the league. This guy is terrible. I don't care how hard he can throw a football. No sane coach wants a fucking "gun slinging moron" behind center. He's going to cost Lovie Smith his job (Lovie will play a big role in his firing as well though).

3. The Steelers - Settling for field goals always leads to losses. I was going to blame Big Ben for this but every one on that team had a hand in gift-wrapping the North to the Bingles. Ben had to be better. The defense needed to make stops in the 4th and couldn't. Jeff Reed continues to embarrass himself on special teams. Seriously, if he isn't even going to try and tackle someone, they need to get a new kicker. He's a fucking FOOTBALL player. Why does it always seem like the Stillers give up a special teams or defensive TD each week?

2. Tony Romo - You're an idiot if you thought that the Cowboys were good. This is what they do. They reel everyone in to think that they are good and they shit their pants. And then they pick the shit out of their jocks and smear it on their teeth. Let's see, the Pack give up 38 points to the BUCS last week and Romo can only muster a garbage time TD in the last few minutes? Fuck you, Romo. Burn in Hell, Jerry Jones. Because the Skins are coming to town next Sunday and we're ready to fuck up your world. YOU CAN NOT STOP THE COMBO OF HUNTER SMITH AND MIKE SELLERS!!!

1. Drew Brees - Listen up, asshole. I don't give a fuck that your team is 9-0. Sure, you're fun to watch and all, but I (and millions of others) didn't draft you because you are entertaining. WE DRAFTED YOU TO THROW TOUCHDOWNS, FUCKO! I'm sick of this shit. Why would you hand the ball to Reggie Bush in the redzone. Throw the fucking ball, pussy. Two TD's just isn't going to cut it. You aren't winning the MVP by throwing 2 TD passes against the assRams. So get your shit together and stop being a fucking shithead.

Last but not least, HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!!! They actually looked competent in all facets of the game after the first quarter when they decided to cover Brandon Marshall. Other than Shaun Suisham kicking two kickoffs out of bounds (that is inexcusable), they were great. Hopefully, next week, we can send Tony Romo out of the game early with a severe bout of ORAKPOPHOBIA. PLEASE, leave the college football talk out of this. We'll probably be talking about it for the rest of the week.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Great Story? URINE LUCK!

OK, so I owe a deep apology to all of you who I told to bet on the RedHawks last night. I was not counting on our QB playing like a freshman (5 turnovers) against a terrible defense. And this poor advice probably got a poor guy and his family killed. They call it gambling for a fucking reason. I don't really care about that though. I've got big things brewing tonight. For after work, the caravan is heading up to Findlay on a lovely booze cruise to take in some high school football playoff action. I plan on drinking on the way up, during the game, and on the drive back. High school football is normally about the worst thing ever but it is OUTSTANDING when you are drunk. The Crown Royal has already been purchased. The last time I drank that, I left a nice present for the maid in the hotel sink. Here's to hoping that I vomit all over Naptown Wolverine tonight. Napoleon/Bishop Watterson...should be a bloodbath not in our favor but who cares...I'm going to be plowed anyway.

Speaking of getting drunk, it's high time that I shared a classic tale with all of you in which you will find me to be a genius and an asshole and maybe a tender lover all at the same time.

So, it's probably 2002 and a group of us got some cheapo tickets to see John Cougar Mellencamp at what used to be known as Polaris Amphitheatre. I had already seen the Coug before in Oxford and he puts on a great show. Not that night however. It was uninspiring. Actually, it sucked. At least on that night, it was not ouuuuuuuuuuuuuur countryyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Anyway, we get to the parking lot early to "tailgate". By tailgate, I mean, standing on concrete while 4 guys trying to kill a case before it gets warm in the July sun. It's probably about 45 minutes before the opening shitty act went on so the lot is filling up. We did not care as seeing the opening band is amateur shit. Across the parking lot aisle, some asshole frat boys roll up in a Jeep Wrangler (the official car of assholes) and are being all loud and whatnot. I'm watching them the whole time debating whether or not the 4 of us could kick the shit out of the 5 of them (we would have had no chance).

So the d-bags head on in while we are still by our car. However, I saw them slide a cooler under the Jeep. After a few minutes, I get an idea. I go over and investigate because our tailgate has two problems: we're running low on beer and what we have is getting warm. I open the cooler and it's a fucking jackpot. About 12-15 ice cold beauties just begging to be drank. So, I grab them all in one trip and take them back for the boys. But it's not over. Not by a long shot.

I rounded up all of our empties, took them over to the Jeep, and refilled the cooler with our dead soldiers. The rest of the tailgreat is really digging my dickheadery, but not even that was the last of it. G$ doesn't fucking roll that way. I take a few steps back toward our car when a revelation hits me. I go back to the cooler, open it up, and unleash a 2 minute piss into that thing. And this wasn't one of those watery drunk pisses either. This was a stream of golden goodness that stained that cooler for all of eternity. It was amazing.

The show ends. Traffic always sucks balls so we pull out some lukewarm beers and have a postgate after the concert while things thin out. The dbags return to their rape-mobile.

DB #1: Alright, brah, the cooler is still here!
DB #2: I hope there are still some beers in there, broseph!
DB #3: (swishing his hands around in my piss) Fuck, it's just a bunch of empties.

Our group laughed for about the next hour. Those fucking elephant-walkers still probably have my piss stench on their hands. And that makes me feel good. Thanks for the beers, BRAH!!! Your welcome for the urine!

I hope you enjoyed that little tale which did nothing more than prove I'm even more awesome than you thought. GO CATS!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Oooooh, We're Halfway There

Someone get Steely McBeam a Mountain Dew!

We have reached the midway point of the NFL season and I must say, this one feels better than years past. Sure, there are more than a few shittastic teams clogging up the NFL toilet. But the top is stacked. There is no clear-cut favorite to win the Super Bowl yet. It's not like the dreadful college football season in which Texas/SEC champion has been an inevitability from the start. No, we've got maybe 8-9 teams with the potential to run the table and hoist the trophy at the end of the season. And that, my enemies, is what makes this sport great (along with fantasy football and the NFL RedZone channel and no Dr. Lou). Let's take a look back at my preseason predictions like every NFL writer is doing this week. We will update them as we go along and interject when necessary. Initial preview posts are here and here.

AFC East
Then: Patriots, Dolphins, Jets, Bills
Now: Same
The Patriots appear to be hitting their stride and I fully expect them to send the Colts to the loss column on Sunday night. The Dolphins are a surprisingly fun team to watch. That could be because their head coach behaves and looks like a fucking retard though. Mark Sanchez in the cold weather = loss. Dick Jauron = fired.

AFC North
Then: Ravens, Steelers*, Bengals, Browns
Now: Steelers, Ravens*, Bengals, Browns
I don't get the Ravens. They should be better than this. For as great as the Bengals have been this year, something will happen soon that will fuck up their season. Because this is the Bengals and bad shit always happens. The Browns are just fucking horrendous. Five offensive touchdowns over the past 13 games!!! The Steelers would be undefeated if Hair Polamalu did not get hurt. We've all seen these guys recently. They are out-fucking-standing. The emergence of Mendenhall really shows just how fucking abysmal Willie Parker is. And to those of you who still don't believe that Big Ben is an elite a big bowl of shit.

AFC South
Then: Titans, Colts*, Texans, Jaguars
Now: Colts, Texans, Jaguars, Titans
I wonder what Tennessee's record would be had they started VY after say week 3? The Colts will falter because that secondary is awful and now they are all hurt. Steve Slaton wins the award for biggest asshole fantasy player this year. FUCK YOU, STEVE! Mike Sims-Walker wins the award for best fantasy player that no one had ever heard of before.

AFC West
Then: Chargers, Raiders, Broncos, Chiefs
Now: Chargers, Broncos*, Raiders, Chiefs
There really is no reason to like the Chargers. Just about everyone on their team other than V-Jack is completely objectionable. And I don't buy that Denver is done and that they were a fluke. They got beat by 2 really good teams and they still get to play the Chiefs twice. They will win 10 games. But I have a feeling that they lose in DC on Sunday.

NFC East
Then: Giants, Redskins*, Eagles, Cowboys
Now: Eagles, Cowboys*, Giants, Redskins
What a horrendous pick job I did for this division. None of these teams are well-coached. The Giants can't score anymore and Brandon Jacobs is a 400 pound corpse. The Redskins are a well-chronicled mess. The Cowboys haven't won a game in December since Carter was president. The Eagles will win it by default even with their completely inept head coach wasting challenges and kicking dumb field goals. But hear me, none of these teams has a chance to win the NFC. NONE.

NFC North
Then: Packers, Bears*, Vikings, Lions
Now: Vikings, Packers, Bears, Lions
My blind hatred of Favre made me make a poor prediction. Whatever. I will still root for him to get his leg broken on every play. The Packers piss me off. They SHOULD be good. But when your QB just assumes that he has ten seconds in the pocket on every pass, it should come as no surprise when they aren't. Nice job by the Bears to take the easiest schedule in the league and piss it away. Enjoy your no draft picks next year. Oh, Forte should be included for biggest shithead of the year, too.

NFC South
Then: Saints, Falcons*, Panthers, Buccaneers
Now: Same
I saw this coming a mile away. The Saints are the tit's pajamas and lead the league in "most fun team to watch". That was very Peter King of me. The Falcons get no respect from me. I mean, when you are a coach and you get the chance to kill DeAngelo Hall for being an asshole, YOU DO IT. Fuck you, Mike Smith.

NFC West
Then: 49ers, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams
Now: 49ers, Cardinals, Seahawks, Rams
I don't care, I still trust Singletary. They will kill the Bears tonight. That is all the time I will spend on the NFC West.

AFC Title - Then: Steelers over Patriots; Now: Steelers over Patriots
NFC Title - Then: Packers over Saints; Now: Saints over Vikings
Super Bowl - Then: Steelers over Packers; Now: Steelers over Saints

I don't care what the records say right now, the two best teams in the league are Pittsburgh and New Orleans. They will be there at the end. At least I hope. Because that would be one hell of a Super Bowl. Or would you rather have a Peyton/Favre showdown in which the media suck-off would be worse than Derek Anderson's QB rating. If you want that, you probably like to take it up the ass.

It's About F'n Time

“This free agent talk is getting old. It’s getting old and I think I’m going to stop. Tonight will be the last time I answer any more free agent questions until the offseason,” James said.

Thank you, Urkel. Thank you very much. I wish that you lived by these words everyday, but this is a nice start. Oh, and good job destroying those Orlando fuckmops last night. Vince Carter is a total cocksucker. Time to bitch-slap D-Wade tonight.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

G$: Helping America

Every once in awhile, I get bored and take a look at this site's stattracker. It is as boring as it sounds. Hits have remained steady if that is something that you worry about (I don't so you shouldn't). It's the "recent keyword" function that always gets me. This, of course, is a listing of phrases that people typed into Google and found our site. If you remember, I have talked before how somebody came here after searching "trucker rimjob" and also "Richard Karn naked pictures". But I think I found the best one yet yesterday. I'm dead serious and it's up to me to help out. The phrase that pays you ask?

"My bookie is trying to kill me"

What a loaded statement. First of all, this guy is fucked. Have you ever heard of anyone involved in the sports gambling genre that FAILED at killing a debtor? But, if for some reason this gentleman is still breathing and still searching for answers, I'm here to help.

1. PAY THE FUCKER! - Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you! Have you ever seen The Sopranos? You don't fuck with the mob.
2. No money? No problem - Sell whatever you have. I can live without my Sammy Sosa bobblehead doll (still Latino!). I can't live without my life, bitch. Damman used to sell his plasma for beer money in college. It's not hard. Hell, sell your jizz. Sell anything wet in your body. Do people buy sweat? Actually, do they still have those cum places? Is Road Trip remotely accurate? Can you just walk into a place of business, crank one off in a cup, get paid, and leave? Sperm banks...what an interesting place if they actually exist. I'm talking real sperm banks, too, and not Mr. Ace's mouth.
3. Run! - If you are racking up massive gambling debts with less than reputable characters, you could use a change of scenery. You could be like Lester "Worm" Murphy in Rounders (not from our comment section).
4. Barter with your assassin - He wants to kill you because you keep dodging him. See if you can talk him down from bullet to the temple. Offer up a kneecap or your thumbs like Mike Moffitt. Make sure that you have negotiated this down as far as you can.
5. Borrow from anyone you know - Everyone knows a rich guy or two. If he says no, rob the fucker. Fuck him anyway. Fucking prick actually worked for his money and had the balls not to put 10 grand on the Lions +11 at Seattle last Sunday. FUCK YOU!
6. Fuck it, kill him first - It's either you or him. He's likely a small timer anyway. Go watch a few episodes of Dexter, get the specifics down, and eliminate your debt without filing for bankruptcy. Then get the fuck out of dodge because bad dudes are going to be knocking on your door.
7. Die - Dude...shitty wagering on sporting events is no reason to die. Have some self respect. Just because you are a lowlife who pissed away ten times the money that you actually make, you are better than just rolling over and letting some Italian asshole whack you.

How about this, you scrote, STOP FUCKING GAMBLING. It kills me when some people have the gall to say that gambling is an addiction. No, it isn't. You are just a pussy who is too stupid to realize that betting on sports is supposed to fun. It isn't meant to be a primary source of your income. Vegas was built on morons who think like you.

I really don't understand why anyone, in this day and age, would rely on a bookie. What's the point. Sure, the vig isn't as high as setting up an account online, but at least you can control your wagers/losses. Some dickhead on the other end of a phone doesn't care if you are blowing your mortgage on another non-cover by the underachieving Florida Gators.

Buddy, let me give you one last piece of advice before your bookie ends up murdering you and leaving pieces of you in various dumpsters on the east coast...

Let it all (including your life) ride on the RedHawks tomorrow night. All of it. Double or nothing. Tell your bookie that if this doesn't happen, he can kill your family, too. Miami is currently a 2.5 point home dog to Bowling Green. The 'Hawks are 5-1 against the spread over the past 6 weeks which included 5 bowl bound teams. Even in our darkest days over the past three+ years, we ALWAYS beat BG. You know what, fuck it, moneyline that shit. This is the easiest money on the planet. It takes balls to bet on a 1-9 team to win a game. Do it. Be a fucking man. Hit it hard. And that goes to all of you, too.

My man, I hope I was able to help out in your time of need. If not, eh, you probably deserved to die anyway, child molester.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

BC-ACE Week 4: Is The Season Over Yet?

(Alright, who is the white guy who dressed up as Sammy Sosa for Halloween?)

Yes, fucksticks, I know Michigan lost and looked terrible doing it for the third week in a row...and this time I actually stayed sober and was able to make it into the game, worst decision of my life...other than not lobbying harder for an abortion when I created Dustin.

Does the Big Ten really have to send anybody to a BCS game? I'm tired of getting embarrassed as a conference. It's bad enough being a Michigan fan right now, I don't want to have to defend the worst conference in football anymore. On the bright side, the Fuckeyes have put themselves right back in the drivers seat to get BCS bitch-slapped yet again--I can't wait. On to the rankings.

Ace's Bottom Bitch- Alabama. Pretty obvious. LSU has a really good defense and Bama was able to put up 24 points on them, the second most by an opposing team this year. The passing game is starting to click at the right time and everybody got to see what Julio Jones can really do. Oh who am I fucking kidding, Nick Saban isn't losing. Period.

2. Florida. They played Vanderbilt and they won, because it wasn't a fucking Quiz Bowl. Did Brandon Spikes actually sit out that entire game? How fucking stupid is that? People are actually praising this kid for sitting out for the ENTIRE game against Vandy. Bullshit. He volunteered to sit out of a game where he easily could have blinded three skill players. Pussy.

3. Texas. I do not give two shits about this team. Awesome, they have some white guy who had 300 yards receiving against UCF. The Big 12 sucks Sammy Sosa's pale balls.

4. TCU. I really hope that somehow they end up playing Texas because they will curb stomp Colt McCoy. I'm dead serious. I like TCU more and more every week.

5. Cincinnati. They allowed UConn to mount a comeback in the fourth quarter but they were able to hold them off, and they were still without their number one QB--but Collaros has been great. If there is a god, please do not let Brian Kelly go to Notre Dame. Whatever is left of my soul, I will give it up to see Charlie Weis walk their sideline for the rest of his miserable life.

6. Georgia Tech. I was really hoping to move them up into the Top 5 this week but you just can't be rewarded for needing OT to beat Wake Forest. But again, that run game is sick. But if they have to pass more than 12 times a game then they are in trouble.

7. Boise State. Now that Oregon win doesn't even look that good. Boise just isn't that good this year. They will get exposed in their bowl game...if not before.

8-10. Pittsburgh is at the top of the heap of the tier two squads, with a chance to jump way up if they can run the table the rest of the regular season. Everybody else doesn't matter.

Fuck, I can't believe I am actually driving up to Madison this weekend to watch Michigan get stomped out at Camp Randall. I wish I had a funny comment to make after that, but I don't. The joke is I am driving nine hours to watch my team get their shit pushed in. What the fuck am I thinking?

Because Shaun Alexander Worked Out Soooo Well

Follow me here because by the end of the week, this shit will be true.

The Chiefs released shitty malcontent RB Larry Johnson yesterday.
Clinton Portis is doubtful this week (and probably longer) with a concussion and the Redskins are looking at signing another RB.
Complete fucking failure by overreacting and signing this shithead.

Yeah, like Larry Johnson is the answer to all the fucking problems on this team. He'll certainly come in right away and use everything he learned in Kansas City to make the Redskins a winner again.

God dammit. This hasn't even happened yet and I'm already pissed. I would rather have the other Larry Johnson. You know...Grand Mama. I bet that he could start at tackle tomorrow.

This organization just keeps getting worse.

Monday, November 09, 2009

An Interview With A Hero

Boys, this site is generally tasteless and disgusting. But today we are going to take some time to recognize people who contribute to society. With Veteran's Day being Wednesday, I wanted to do something to show our soldiers how much we care. I was able to secure an interview with Lieutenant Sean Fox from the Army who is serving over in Afghanistan. He had some "special" visitors at his camp this weekend. I wanted to get his take on it.

G$: Lt. Fox, this is an honor. Thanks for taking time out of your schedule to spend a moment with The Money Shot.
Fox: No problem. It's nice not talking to someone who isn't a fucking retard.
G$: I figured that. What with the NFL on FOX broadcasting live from your base on Sunday, that had to be a terrible weekend.
Fox: You know it. I would rather have watched the entire series of The Hills than spend 5 seconds with these mental midgets.

G$: It could NOT have been that bad. I mean, these guys came over to take your mind off of your jobs for a few hours. What is wrong with that?
Fox: Do you know what pisses me off? The soldiers in Iraq get to meet Marisa Miller, Victoria's Secret models, and hot bitches. What do we get in Afghanistan? Curt Menefee and Cleatus the Goddamn robot. Have you ever met Curt Menefee? I'd rather get shot at. He's as much of a celebrity as the Octomom.

G$: Ha, yeah, Menefee has the personality of a lump of hangover shit. If you put a suit on a poop, you have Curt Menefee. But if that is the worst thing that happened, it could not have been a bad trip.
Fox: I thought that, while disappointment loomed, maybe we would get a few chuckles from these guys. And then they brought out Frank Caliendo. Oh, look, it's the guy that does a crappy, fat George W impression! And he makes picks that no one cares about? Count me in!!! I'd rather watch Carrot Top lift weights and sell carrot crushers to the Taliban.

G$: Caliendo is the fucking worst. The guy was funny for about 6 minutes 4 years ago and now he just needs shot. Surprisingly, I've always like Jimmie Johnson since he has joined the team which is strange since I hate him as a coach. What did you think of him?
Fox: Eh, Jimmie was cool. Eventhough everyone in America hated him as a coach, he's an alright guy. I mean, he is sort of obsessive about his hair though. WE DON'T HAVE FUCKING MIRRORS OUT HERE, JJ. And the Cowboys fucking suck.

G$: Is Howie Long as retarded as he looks/sounds/is?
Fox: Holy sweet Jesus...spending 5 minutes with Howie Long was like spending a lifetime with Andy Dick. It was awful. I assumed that I could get him to share a few classic Raiders stories. You know, like about all the steroids they took back in the day and all the raped women. But no. Not even close. Have you ever seen Broken Arrow?
G$: Between you and me, yes, I have.
Fox: Did you like it?
G$: Do you like having pine cones shoved up your dick hole? Of course not.
Fox: Would you ever see it again?
G$: Only if it's showing on loop in Hell.
Fox: So would you say that listening to some asshole go on and on about how great of a movie it was and then give you an autographed copy of the VHS tape, you would be a tad irate?
G$: I would burn down an orphanage if that happened to me.
Fox: I didn't get it. He was supposed to come over and talk football and all I got out of it was how much better an actor Travolta is than Christian Slater. When I get back to the states, I'm going to scalp that flat-top off his fucking head.

G$: A know a Native American that would pay good money for that. How long did it take for Strahan gap teeth jokes to get old.
Fox: Strahan was down to Earth but I needed a poncho to talk to him. The man can "gleak" a fucking river. I could have done without the constant babbling about his show, Brothers, or him telling us about five dollar footlongs. WE DON'T HAVE SUBWAYS IN THIS BARREN WASTELAND YOU ASSHOLE. And even if we did, what would their sandwiches consist of? There are only so many ways that you can make a "wild dog and dirt sandwich".

G$: I've always hated Terry Bradshaw. Please tell me that I'm right and he is a complete fucking queefsniffer.
Fox: Terry Bradshaw was by far the worst person I have ever met in my life. A group of buddies and I had him cornered, telling him all of these stories that the government doesn't want you to hear, and all he did was laugh like a rube. We're telling him some pretty sick shit and the egomaniac just starts going on and on about the time that he and Jake Delhomme were boiling crawfish. I wanted to kill him on the spot. But I calmed down and realized that that is what he wants. And then Terry started talking about all his ex-wives so I hit him in the jaw with the butt of my gun. Now he has more hair than teeth.

G$: That. Is. Awesome. I guarantee that that disphit can't read. How was Glazer? He seems legit.
Fox: Yeah, thanks a lot Jay Glazer, a lot of good it does me to know that Dwayne Bowe is active today. I live in a barren fucking wasteland. I don't have a fantasy football team. WHERE ARE THE HOT CHICKS THAT SUCK SOLDIER DICK!!!

G$: So, what was your final impression of the NFL on Fox coming to visit?
Fox: All in all, the show was OK at best. They spent the entire two hours talking about Brett Favre eventhough the Vikings were off this week and no one in the entire US Military likes him.
Of course, do you honestly think that anyone from Wisconsin could make it through basic training? They need help to put on their pants every morning. There is not one Favre fan out there that weighs less than 400 pounds. Most of them are transported around town via forklift.

G$: Final thoughts before I let you go...
Fox: Jesus, I always believed that the only thing I wanted in life was to head back home. Well, if THIS shit is waiting for me, I would rather stay in this dump and dodge bullets. Fuck you, Curt Menefee. If these fuckers ever come back here again, I'm going to beg my commanding officer to send me on the same mission that Pat Tillman went on.

G$: Ouch. That is weak. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Fox: Spending time with Terry Bradshaw brings out the worst in anyone. Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

I would like to thank the fake solider that agreed to do this fake interview with us today. As far as the worst of the week goes...Aaron Rodgers fucking sucks. He is just awful. The Packers fucking suck. So do the Bears. So do you.

How about me going with a Pat Tillman joke on the week of Veteran's Day? Yeah, I'm about the worst person ever.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Bi-Weekly Means Annual Now

(That bulldog is cheating!!!)

I'm tired. The baseball playoffs have crushed me. Don't get me wrong, I am still ecstatic how things played out, but I'm one of those assholes that needs three hours to calm down after games end. It sucks. I wanted to take today off so I called Mr. Ace last night to see if he could put together a gambling post or something. He was too busy putting together Ikea furniture and being unemployed, I guess. What a tough life. Asshole. So here I am...with nothing. I figure, what the hell, I may as well attack a few commenters for being shitheads.

At the end of August, rumors were swirling throughout the westside of Columbus that a poker game was in the works. So I get emails from GSaul and Dut as an invitation to participate. This was never in doubt though as I, obviously, am a God among men. It is decided that our first go-round of poker would be on the first Thursday of college football (9/3).

It was at this time that it was decided that this game would turn into a bi-weekly event. Every other Thursday we would get together and toss some cards for a few hours. I was ecstatic. I am enjoying married life and all, but an excuse to get out of the house, have a few beers, and tell a few dick jokes is extremely nice to have.

So what is the issue? We have not played since that first night. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! This was supposed to happen every two weeks, fucksticks. We are beyond TWO GODDAMN MONTHS. I need this. You fucks are letting me down. I would love to hear some of the excuses. I'm sure that there are some real doozies. I know one week was cancelled because Grant was out of town. Oh, God forbid, no one has ever played poker without Grant in attendance.

Now I know what you're thinking: "if you call these assbiscuits out, maybe you won't be invited?" Impossible. Have you met me? I'm fucking amazing. Ten times better in person than I am online. And I won the first (and only) tournament...that means I'm exempt for the next 5 years. It's like winning a golf major or some shit.

The point of this, you ask? Not really anything. I told you at the start that I didn't want to post anything today. I guess I just wanted to remind everyone that Dut and GSaul (and Jon Saul) are awful people and liars. There needs to be some accountability out of Sussex! Like I said, I need this. My wife doesn't like it when I call her a fag or comment on the perkiness of Erin Andrews' tits. GET THE GAME BACK ON, HOMOS.

I need some fucking sleep.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

World Champions!!!

I was going to go off and spew a bunch of hate at all of you people that root for teams who will never win, but I'm pretty drunk. And all I want to do is watch the celebration. That's it for today. To all of those CC and A-Rod and Teix haters out a dick. If you try to attack me and my great team, I will shove my dick down your faggot throats. FYI, I would have given the MVP to Damaso Marte...seriously.

The New York Yankees are World Series champions. I forgot how great this feeling was. The beginning of an 8peat for sure.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Rock Bottom? I Hope Not.

(Thanks to KSK for doing the Lord's work on these)

Over the past 12 months, the Cleveland Browns have this amazing list of accomplishments:
-finished as the 5th worst team in the league in 2008
-did not score an offensive touchdown over the last 6 games of that season
-fired their marshmallow of a coach
-fired their pasty and inept general manager
-hastily hired a coach who is not well-liked throughout the league by players and was generally believed to be in over his head in New York
-had their coach pick who his GM would be as opposed to the much saner other way around
-kept trading down at the draft to take a center
-over the past 7 years, only 5 centers have been taken in the first round...the Browns have done it twice (because they're good, you see)
-signed or traded for every single ex-Jet that was available
-lost their first 5 games in about the most uncompetitive ways possible
-benched their first round pick starting QB for a guy with a 41% completion percentage this year
-traded Braylon Edwards for more Jets
-fired the new GM after only 7-8 months

Did I get the gist of the past calendar year for the Browns? When I lay it all out there like this, does it make you sad? It makes me happy actually. And not just because I hate the Browns either. But because for as bad as the Redskins have been, they haven't been THIS bad.

I guess what bothers me about this is that after everything I just mentioned, NOW owner Randy Lerner thinks that things need to change. NOW he's fed up. NOW he realizes that they have major issues. Where the fuck have you been anyway?

That is complete pussy shit to blame that mess on George Kokinis, too. This isn't his fault. He didn't pick Mangini to be his coach. His stamp isn't on these God awful back-up Jet signings. Yet someone has to be the fall guy. It might as well be the guy that no one actually blames. Everyone wants Mangini gone but he would never do that.

The funniest thing that is coming out of this, which many of you may not know, is that Lerner brought in some diehard fans to his office to talk about the direction of the team. WHAT THE FUCK! Why are you bringing in some asshole that spends his Sundays in a dog mask for consulting work? It's like bringing in a bingo caller for a "fresh set of eyes". Will "Big Dawg" be calling plays next week? Fans don't know shit. If they ran teams, they would be just like Dan Snyder because people that pay for PSL's are the dumbest fucking people in the world. Fans don't know how to evaluate talent (just like Vinny Cerrato!).

I'll tell you what. Make me GM for a year. I don't like your team so you can't accuse me of being a fan. I just know what I'm doing. Let me give you my plan for a fresh start and a road to redemption.

-Fire Mangini and hire an experienced and respected coach. You aren't getting a big name so forget about that. I've always like John Fox. Defensive coaches ALWAYS make better head coaches than offensive-minded guys.
-You've got a top 5 pick coming...go get Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy.
-Trade Brady Quinn for whatever you can get. Cleveland ruined him.
-Kill Jamal Lewis. It's funny trying to watch him do his stutter-step every time he gets an undeserved carry. It's got to be tough running with condoms full of coke up your ass though.
-You've got 11 picks in the draft next year. Get your QB and then stop drafting skill position guys. Just stop. You win from within. Beef up those lines.
-Make Rob Ryan grow his hair even at least his knees. And he has to pick a fight with an opposing player every week.
-Put snipers on the roof of the stadium to pick off random fans (Seal).
-Sign Darren Sproles. I think he's unrestricted this upcoming year (not sure though). You already like James Davis. A platoon with Davis and Sproles could be a nice foundation in the backfield for the next few years with your young stud QB.
-Bring in Terry Robiskie...just in case Fox does not work out.

You see, it isn't that hard. It shouldn't be. I could work with this team. I could run this team. Well, I couldn't be any worse. And I'll only cost Lerner 100K + courtside Cavs season tickets. Win fucking win for me and the organization. Browns fans, I AM WHAT YOU NEED.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Step Up For Ohio Today

I'm going to take the day off from writing about the World Series since last night's game was boring. If you have something to say, you know where to put it. But I want to talk about something very important today.

Whichever group conducts the study of America's poorest cities revealed this year's list this week. To no one's surprise, Ohio was well represented.

8. Cincinnati
7. Toledo
1. Cleveland

Ohio has three of the poorest cities in America inside of it's borders. That is unacceptable. This has to change. Today, all of us Ohioans have the chance to do that by heading out to the polls and voting YES on Issue 3. For all of you outsiders, Issue 3 proposes the legalization of casinos in Ohio and will place one in downtown Cleveland, Toledo, Columbus, and Cincinnati. It will create 34,000 jobs for Ohioans. It will apparently be bringing in over 500 million in taxable revenue per year. THIS WILL ONLY HELP OUR STATE. How could anyone be against this?

I still have yet to find a decent argument against this. The anti-Issue 3 ads are being funded by out of state casinos that have been getting fat off of Ohioans for years now. Why do we continue to let our residents send money to hillbilly states like Indiana, Kentucky, and West Virginia? The FOP and major political figures are all backing this issue. It makes me laugh that the bible huggers insist that casinos will morally bankrupt society. Apparently, legalized gambling is worse than our current awesome trend of homelessness, shitty schools, and MASSIVE unemployment.

The plan this time around is solid. Last year when it was on the ballot, it had more holes in it than Al Bundy's underwear. Not now. Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert, has been a driving force behind this. He's a fucking smart dude. It's time for a change in Ohio and it can start today.

PLEASE. I beg of all of you reading this. Get out to the polls and vote yes on Issue 3 today. Make people actually want to come and visit Ohio again. I'm tired of giving my gambling money to Argosy and Casino Windsor.

I apologize to Ace for putting this ahead of the BCAce standings, but this is important. I'm G$ and I approve this message.

BC-ACE Week 3: Let's All Overreact Starting...NOW!

(One more reason to hate Colt McCoy)

HOLY SHIT! The world is ending! USC lost its second game in the PAC 10 for the first time since Maximus Decimus Meridius defeated the evil King Commodus in the Roman Coliseum. Oregon is easily the best team in the nation now. That loss to Boise was a fluke. Did you see Texas? They are fucking awesome. They beat a great Oklahoma State team. The same Oklahoma State team that Damman said would win the National Championship and the Super Bowl this they have to be legit. How about Iowa? They shouldn't even be in the top 10! I mean, it's one thing to nearly lose to both Northern Iowa and Arkansas State, but needing to score 77 points in the 4th quarter against Indiana to pull out the win is the last straw. Fuck them. And I have now been a resident deep in the taint of society(Hello Columbus!) for four days...Yes, the world is ending.

BC-ACE Rankings:
ACE's BOTTOM BITCH. Alabama. There is no way that they are giving up this spot after a bye week. It is total bullshit that they were dropped in the BCS rankings. Nick Saban has had two weeks to prepare for a game against his former team, LSU. I don't know what the spread is, but I will be amazed if LSU stays within 20. Saban is going to have his boys so jacked up out of their minds that Bama will leave no doubt about them being the #1 team in the nation.

2. Florida. How the fuck is Spikes not suspended for at least two games? If you take a swing at a player you are ejected from that game immediately and can possibly face further discipline the next week. And that is when you are swinging at people wearing A FUCKING HELMET! How the hell can you only get suspended for one half against Vanderbilt after trying to remove somebody's fucking eyeball? I'm all for somebody trying to give their best impression of Macho Man Randy Savage, but how about some goddamn consequences? Next thing you know Tim Tebow is going to be putting blitzing Defensive Ends to sleep with the Million Dollar Dream.

3. Texas. Oklahoma State isn't good, people. Why the fuck are people jizzing up their panties because Texas beat them like they were supposed to? Honestly, I wasn't that impressed. Texas' defense is very, very good. But that offense is bad. Oklahoma State actually out-gained them in total offense. Seriously. This team will get massacred by either Florida or Alabama.

4. TCU. How can you not be impressed with this team? This is what you ask of top quality teams, beat the shit out of the teams that they should beat the shit out of. No hiccups. No missteps. No scares. Beating the shit out of teams that you should beat the shit out of.

5. Cincinnati. They have played the last three weeks with a backup quarterback and have won with ease each week. Brian Kelly is awesome...he should probably coach in Ann Arbor.

6. Georgia Tech. A road win in SEC country is always good, and 600 total yards ain't bad either. Paul Johnson knows what the hell he is doing.

7. Boise St. Blah blah blah...they beat Oregon...blah blah blah.

8. Oregon. I really want to put them in front of Boise St., but that would just be stupid. Boise deserves to be in front of Oregon and they proved it on the field...and Legarrette Blount proved he belonged in San Quentin on that very same field. I can't wait for Blount to get back and go all Billy Cole in Autzen.

9. Iowa. All they do is win. It's not pretty, but they get it done. I hate to say this, but Iowa kind of reminds me of the Fuckeyes back win Fuckeye nation liked Tressel. But needing last second heroics against a bad Indiana team is unacceptable if you want to be a top 5 team. Sound familiar?

10. LSUPennStatePittUtahUSC. At this point, there is really no reason to have a number ten team. An addendum to the BC-ACE rankings: I can and will decrease the amount of teams in the rankings as the year goes on because these are my fucking rankings and I do what I want.

Here are the BC-ACE Week 2 rankings, read them before you comment...and then take an IQ test and only comment if you get above 100. Commenter Drew, I am going to need proof of this score before you comment...and it better not be in crayon.