Monday, August 31, 2009

College Football Preview: The Over/Underrated

It's that time of year again...that's right, college football kicks off this week. And much like last year here, we are going to unleash an entire weeklong dedication to the sport with some predictions from myself and 5 of our least favorite commenters. On board for the second year in a row are Damman, Dut, Drew, The Wig Master, GSaul, and myself. This could get wild. The schedule for the week looks like this: Monday is Over and Underrated Day, Tuesday is Firings Day, Wednesday is dedicated to sexy predictions, Thursday is all Heisman all the time, and Friday is picks for the BCS title. Should be interesting. On with the show:

Overrated - Va Tech. Every year they are ranked in the top 10 in preseason and every year they lose at least 3 games. Sure they win the ACC almost every year, but it's a mediocre conference at best. They never beat anybody worth a damn. When was the last time these guys had any sort of offense? Pig Face is a good coach, but he's a little overrated in my opinion as well for the same reasons listed above.
Underrated - Illinois. You will be hard pressed to find a team with more offensive weapons than Illinois. With Juice Williams and Daniel Dufrene in the backfield to go along with Arrelious Benn, Jeff Cumberland and Florida transfer Jarrod Fayson as receiving options, Illinois will be able to score with anyone in the country. They will challenge Ohio St. and Penn St. in the Big Ten despite being coached by Ron Zook.

Overrated - Cal They seem to be the sexy pick to be the team to finally win the Pac-10 instead of USC. I don't buy it. Jeff Tedford's teams are never that good. Jahvid Best is sick, but he's already hurt. And the few times that I watched the Bears last year, I thought that Kevin Riley was one of the worst QB's on the planet. We're talking Ken Dorsey bad. Maybe USC doesn't win the conference this year, but it's not going to be Cal that overthrows them.
Underrated - Ole Miss I know what you're thinking, they are a top ten team right now! Well, everyone in the country thinks that they shouldn't be there and I (in my Jo Galloway voice) strenuously disagree. This team is really good, very well-coached, and don't play any tough road games. They will be in the top ten all season long and Jevan Snead will be the next QB of the Tennessee Titans.

Overrated - 8th ranked Ole Miss Rebels. This team didn’t win a game in the SEC in 2007. Then in 2008 they snuck up on a few teams who didn’t take them seriously and finished 3rd in the mighty SEC. There’s a huge difference when you’re the hunter vs the hunted. I do buy that Ole Miss was a better team (Jevan Snead is a stud), but I also believe that the SEC was down last year compared to most. Do people forget that they lost to Vanderbilt, Wake Forest, South Carolina, and Alabama? Do people only remember that they made Tim Tebow cry? One thing that will really help is their schedule. For being in a conference that hillbillies in the south believe could compete with the NFL, this schedule is fucking easy. They don’t play Florida or Georgia, and their toughest non conference game is Memphis. This team would finish 4th in the Big 10. 8th in the nation is ridonculus.
Underrated - Unranked Illinois. I can’t believe I’m picking a Ron Zook coached team here, but Illinois should at least be ranked. It seems like Juice Williams has been around forever, and this is his time to shine. He has one of the best receivers in the nation to throw to- Arrelious Benn. Also, number two receiver Jarred Fayson once played with Tim Tebow so he at least has Jesus on his side. I don’t know anything about the Illinois defense, but this offense should be able to score on anyone. I’d say that they’re a sleeper to win the Big 10, but then I remind myself that Ron Zook is the head coach. This team definitely has talent, and they have potential to turn in a solid season.

Overrated - Virginia Tech. They are ranked seventh in the country and will find a way to lose three games this year, while playing an ACC schedule. Their starting QB named Tyrod Taylor (true first name) actually called Mike Vick for advice once he left prison. I wonder if Seung-Hui Cho's line was busy?
Underrated - Illinois. They are currently unranked, but I think they are going to finish second in the Big Ten. The Illini play their four toughest games in their first five games. They will get through those games with only one or two losses and coast the rest of the way. I also think they will thump Mizzou on opening night to prove they are for real.

The Wig Master
Overrated - USC Trojans
Although USC returns nine starters on offense, they will not have an experienced heartthrob of a quarterback to 'Lean On'. Instead they will have a lanky redshirt sophomore known as 'Corpy' who won the starting job based on his grasp of the playbook and not performance (note: this was turned in before Ramblin' Red Barkley was named the starter). Not only is USC inexperienced at the most vital position but they also face the challenge of adjusting to a new offensive coordinator. Last season USC's defense made a greater contribution to the team's success than that of the offense. This season they only return three of those defensive starters. USC's four toughest games of the season are on the road. After a loss to The Ohio State University in game two they will slip out of the top five. When they are stunned by one of their PAC 10 peers their spot in the latter portion of the top twelve will be solidified.
Underrated - Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Welcome to the long awaited 'Year of the Irish'! Well, maybe that's a stretch. Notre Dame won't quite live up to Lou's prediction but they will be considerably better than season's past and that of their No. 23 preseason ranking indicates. Dr. Holtz does make some solid points. The Irish return 18 starters which include third-year quarterback Jimmy Clausen. The three leading Irish players in scoring, rushing yards, receiving yards, all-purpose yards and total offense are all back. Their schedule is 'manageable' enough that they could produce their best record in four years. Notre Dame's only opponent ranked in the top 25 is their rival from the west, USC. Not likely but if the Irish can pull off a home field upset and win the Jeweled Shillelagh their season could take everyone by surprise. Notre Dame does lead the series 42-33-5. Crazier things in the confines of that Catholic Campus have happened...

Overrated - The Overrated State University. I already discussed Ohio State’s failures on the national level last year, and the Buckeyes did not disappoint me in 2008. Look for much the same in 2009. Let’s be honest, this Buckeyes team is not worthy of a top 10 ranking. You already have two dates circled for losses: September 12th against USC: guaranteed loss; November 7th against Penn State: if you could not beat Penn State at the Horseshoe with the team you had last year, what makes you think you can beat the Nittany Lions in Happy Valley with the team you have this year?! Expect another embarrassing bowl loss and another 10-3 season.
Underrated - Troy Trojans. Troy is always at the top of the Sun Belt Conference and was leading LSU last year 31-3 in the third quarter before a monumental comeback from the Tigers. They also played the Buckeyes tough last year. The Trojans are not shy about scheduling top-ranked competition as they also faced Florida and Georgia in 2007. Troy again plays the Florida Gators this year and look for the Trojans to knock off Dut’s BGSU Falcons on September 3.

Oh no. The dreaded overrated term for the Buckeyes. That should get things going in the comments. More tomorrow...

I Heart Donald Brown

Well, my fantasy drafts are officially over and there are two things that I made perfectly clear for this season:
1. I wanted and got a stud QB.
2. Donald Brown has a stalker in central Ohio. I now own Donnie in all 3 of my leagues. He will likely blow out his knee on his first carry. Sorry, DB.

I had two auctions draft this past weekend for the GFL and the D(Dut)FL. Both leagues have a $200 salary cap. Let's dissect my rosters and feel free to tell me that I suck (I already know that team "Nicole Brown Simpson" will not be good in the DFL). Let's start with my GFL roster first and I will include the dollar amount in parentheses with projected starters in bold..

QB - Brees (75), T. Edwards (2), Rosenfels (1)
RB - R.Rice (4-keeper from last year), D. Brown (8), Thomas Jones (5), McCoy (2), McGahee(1)...we only start two
WR - C.Henry (2-keeper), Colston (42), Ochocinco (24), T.O. (26), O.Daniels (1), Earl Bennett (1), Burleson (1)...start 4
K - Crosby (2), J.Brown (1)
DEF - 49ers, Texans
Notes - I wanted Brees bad and I got him. Love having Colston with him, too. Look at the lack of character in my WR stable...impressive!!! In my opinion, this is a playoff team as long as either Addai or Westbrook get hurt (which they will).

QB - Cutler (20), Roethlisberger (10)
RB - Chris Johnson (44), Larry Johnson (21), D. Brown (12), Felix Jones (7), Coffee (5)...start 2 with flex option
WR - Boldin (35), Roddy White (39), Earl Bennett again (1), Bess (1), and TE Z. Miller (1)...start 3 with the option for flex which I will never use on a WR
K - Crosby (2), J.Reed (1)
DEF - Packers
Notes - I hate this team the more that I look at it. Fuck Jay Cutler. He was a steal for $20, but still...he's a homo. If Felix Jones is going to be used as much as I keep hearing, that could end up being huge. This is probably a borderline playoff team. I freaking love Rowdy Roddy White though.

Am I delusional? Are these playoff teams? Let me know. Since many of you drafted with me in these two leagues, unleash your teams onto the world if you want to. I will say this, auction drafts are the best. If you have never done one, you really should. Eat shit.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I Can't Freaking Sleep

Every damn year at this time, the same fucking shit happens to me. I will lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for at least an hour (sometimes two) thinking about fantasy football scenarios. It is a fucking killer on me. And yet I can't turn it off. I can't stop thinking about what I might do in certain situations in my drafts. It's sort of like Phil Rivers being unable to turn off his doucheness. God, I hate that guy. He could float 400 touchdown passes this year and I would still argue that he sucks balls. Look at him! He is awful. On the Mount Rushmore of NFL Fuck-Up's, the four faces have to be Cutler, Romo, Favre, and Rivers, right?

Anyway, my boy, Bling, created a ten step process for fantasy success. His brilliant advice follows:

Well it is that time of year again when we need to refocus and start our research for fantasy football. Whether you had a successful season or you put all of your eggs in to Tom Brady and quit watching football after week one, we all can learn a few things from last year to help us reach the promise land.

1. Respect your league members - Well at least make it appear that way on the outside. That way they may have some sympathy towards you, and be willing to make a trade that can put you over the top. I personally have never done this, but I know a few guys who have what members of our league refer to as their, "farm team".

2. Stick to your game plan - There is a reason you headed into the draft planning on a backfield of Brandon Jacobs and Darren McFadden. Don't listen to those other guys who are heckling you, once they sober up and realize that they are stuck with Leon Washington and Ladell Betts they will be the ones preparing for a season of disappointment.

3. Respect America - It is important to honor the country that has given you this great game. I know for a fact that I will say the Pledge of Allegeance at least once at our draft. Rumor has it that last year I loved our country so much, it may have been repeated two or three more times.

4. Don't under value kickers - They are the one player you can pretty much count on scoring weekly. And there is also a reason for those late 1990's commercials that referred to Al Del Greco as the greatest player in the history of the game.

5. Get drunk at the draft and every Sunday that follows - Come on people, what other time of the year other than March Madness does getting drunk really seem as satisfying? Football season is something special and it deserves to be treated as such with enough barley and hops to help keep the farmers of America employed for another year.

6. Go to church - This is a special time of day where you can get your family time in, and maybe, just maybe you can ask God for a little help in defeating your opponent.

7. Talk shit - It doesn't matter if you have 1 win or 10, your pride is on the line, and who here doesn't want to go down swinging. I think I was once beaten by 40 points and still told the owner who beat me that if I would have started a different combination of guys I would have kicked his ass. This is what it is all about.

8. Have mutant gas at draft - This is a hold over from last year's list, but I feel it is one of the most important items to remember. It really does help. On draft day, other than a box full of porn, this is your best weapon to use to help distract your opponent. I have actually seen guys walk out of the room because my gas was so bad, and by the time they returned, I had filled my team with two or three studs that they missed out on.

9. The Penalty Shot - A beautiful invention of the GFL. This has caused a lot of good memories at our drafts, and a few that we can't remember, literally. We make it a tradition that when you make a mistake by bringing up a player that has already been drafted, you must take a "penalty" shot of Jaeger/Firewater. There is nothing more hilarious than a guy who is on his third penalty shot and disappears for a while and is found naked on the shitter (coughJessecough).

10. Refer to TSP often - Paddio would never steer you wrong. He will give you the information you need to have successful season.

Enjoy playing the game and know that it is a matter of life or humility as to how your season goes. Good luck!

Thanks, Blinger!!! Just a reminder, IT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK ALL NEXT WEEK!!! All of the predictions are's all over but the arguing over what "overrated" means.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

(Wind)breaking The Ice

HAPPY BEAT DEFIANCE DAY to all my Naptowners out there!!! Yes, that's right, high school football kicks off tonight with the headline game (not true) being another chapter in the bitter rivalry between the Defiance Bulldogs and YOUR Napoleon Wildcats. From what I've heard, the Cats have only 33 guys out for the team from grades 9-12 so I assume that they will be horrible. But I don't really know because I don't really care. I don't mean that to sound callous because I always want my alma mater to win, but it's been over a decade since I played there and I've moved on. And that call from the athletic Hall of Fame better fucking be coming soon! I was Loan Zone player of the week once, dammit!!!

Either way, it is still a big game and it's time to crush those royal blue faggots. Fuck you and fuck your GM plant in the ass, Defiance. But thinking about high school football makes me reminisce about the days that I donned the pads. Sure, we all remember the extra point story. It was a heroic tale of good triumphing over evil. But there is another, less inspirational story that I would like to share from that season.

It was a bland mid-October night in northwest Ohio as the Wildcats were entertaining Miami Trace for Homecoming weekend. I don't really know why we played a team from southern Ohio, but we did nevertheless. So they made the trip up to NW Ohio after completely killing us the year before when we went there. And the first half of our game was awfully similar to the demolition from the year prior.

Since we didn't have locker rooms attached to the new stadium yet, we had our halftime meetings in a bus garage. It wasn't as white trash as it sounds, believe it or not. We had a few metal benches in there that the upperclassmen (such as myself) sat on while the young punks had the floor. So we're down by 3 scores or something halfway through and the coaches are quite livid with our sleepwalking performance.

Our batshit insane defensive coordinator keeps yelling for Naptown Wolverine eventhough he was on the field still with the homecoming court (who voted for that asshole anyway?) He just kept screaming his name. It was hilarious. But then the head coach stormed in in all of his jaw-cracking glory. Now, I liked our coach and truly believe that he knows his shit, but I never found him to be intimidating. So when he started yelling at us, I didn't particularly give a fuck. It just came off as forced and not scary.

Well, Coach lays into everyone for a solid 3-4 minutes, stopping only to re-crack his jaw. I wasn't really paying attention because I'm quite certain that I was dominating the line of scrimmage. But he was still ranting and raving as I felt a large amount of pressure building in my stomach. Ugh. I knew this feeling all too well. Was I about to shit my pants? Do I stop our pissed off coaching staff to tell them that I HAVE to take a dump? What if said dump goes into the third quarter? There were some big-time problems going through the body of G$ and they needed to be addressed in the worst way.

But at about minute 3 of coach's annoying words of "encouragement", I started feeling better. Although the pressure was still there, the sick feeling had subsided. But then it happened. The silence had to be broken...and broken it was.

As soon as Coach stopped screaming to allow it all to sink in for us, I dropped the biggest fart of my life. Nothing has ever come close. EVER. I am 28 years old and I still remember my greatst fart. It was the exclamation point on a horrible halftime speech. This thing lasted at least 7 seconds and was as loud as a foghorn. It was the perfect storm.

Metal bleachers + football pants + extreme gastric pressure + boring motivational speech + bus garage with good echo = AWESOME

I will never forget this. Ever. I still think about it to this day and every single time I start giggling like an idiot. I still remember Poopson and Strut, who were sitting across from me at the time that the bomb went off, laughing their asses off and trying to hide it in order to avoid being killed by someone on the staff. It was glorious. Coach never acknowledged the fart, but I like to think that he appreciated it. There is NO WAY that he didn't hear it.

We made a fierce comeback in the game but came up a bit short at the end. It didn't really matter since we made the playoffs anyway and are still the best team in school history. And while that last claim may be up for debate, one thing that is not is that I am the proud owner of the most well-timed fart in high school football history. Maybe one day I will tell you the story of "Pube Sandwich"...

N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N, Napoleon, Napoleon, NAPOLEON!!!! Go Cats!

I Don't Know Anything About Football

I'm bored at work yesterday and decide to dig into my own archives just to cringe at my writing in the early stages of this site. I stumbled onto an NFL-related post from December 2006 and my thoughts/predictions were SOOOO awful, I figured that I would share the worst of the worst with you all so we can have a good chuckle. Again, I said this shit almost 3 years ago:

**Jason Campbell is going to be fine.
-No, he really isn't.

**I hope Bruce Gradkowski enjoyed his last snap ever in the NFL.
-Damn, shitty 2008 Browns ruined this prediction. Although I respect Brucey for shaving points at Toled-ah.

**Reggie Bush is the second most exciting player in the league and he's only a rookie.
-Jesus Christ. Apparently, everything gets me excited. Reggie Bush is fucking horrible.

**Tom Coughlin is the worst coach in the NFL since Marty Morningwood.
-I still don't think that Coughlin is that great, but I never would have guessed that someone would have dusted off Wade Phillips again.

**Torry Holt is the best WR in the NFL. Period.
-Look at how adamant I am about this! I can't remember Holt's 2006 season but I'm willing to bet that this statement is extremely overexaggerated.

**Vince Young is the real deal and Tennessee will unseat the Colts in the South within the next 3 years.
-Wow. Good for you, G$. Dumbers words have never been muttered. Apparently, "real deal" means "suicidal queef".

**Jay Cutler was the right decision.
-What a very "Peter King" thing to say. Short, vague, and wrong...I should write for Sports Illustrated.

Maybe I should just write about what I know (televised bowling) and leave the NFL to the experts (everyone else not named G$). Embarrassing.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Michael Beasley Is A Twunt

WARNING! Today I will be unleashing my annual "there are too many pussy kids in this country" rant.

Poor Michael Beasley. His life can't be easy. He's got millions of dollars in his bank account as a 20 year old kid. He has the potential to be a superstar in the NBA. He gets to pick whichever whore(s) he wants to fuck every night. He's got all sorts of advisors preventing him from having to make too many stupid decisions. Well, except for posting pictures of himself on Twitter with two bags of weed on the table in the background. Nice work, genius.

Obviously, there is backlash. I assume that most of his followers called him a fucking moron for 1.) personally incriminating himself as a drug user and 2.) getting that fucking awful tattoo on his back. I didn't know that "God's Son" was such a shameless self promoter. His response was logically the next step when he fired back with a tweet stating, "Feelin like it's not worth livin!!!!!!! I'm done". Now, I can handle the ridiculous number of exclamation points, but what kind of person goes from being called a dipshit to suicide? Oh and this juicy nugget just screams intelligence:

"I feel like the whole world is against me I can't win for losin".

No, Mike, the world isn't against you. They just want you to not be such a belligerent stereotype of the "NBA thug". And what in the hell does "can't win for losing" even mean anyway? I've heard people use the expression before but have no idea what it could possibly mean. No loser ever wins. What did Beasley even lose?

Which leads me to my these days are fucking pussies who have no idea how to handle their business. Take Beasley here for example. He's been coddled and told how great he was all his life. He probably never faced any adversity because someone was always there to be the fall guy or take the wrap. Then again, Beasley went to SEVEN high schools so who knows where the hell it all went wrong. Thousands of kids have probably been caught with pot this year alone and I doubt any of them threatened to kill themselves.

I just hate fucking parents these days. With their bike helmets and participation ribbons and everyone gets to's bullshit. Kids need to face some hardships and deal with it themselves. They don't need protection. They need to learn. The first time that my parents took the training wheels off of my bike, I fucking drilled a mailbox and fell off. You know what, I learned that fucking day that falling sucked ass and I shouldn't do it anymore. I didn't wear a God damn helmet. And look at me now...the baddest fucking asshole on the planet.

So here is what I suggest. Hell, I support a political party that is apparently in favor of death panels anyway, so I may as well take the lead on this one. We need to avoid the pussy behavioral patterns shown by Beasley and Vince Young and Dontrelle Willis and Zach Greinke. You don't need therapy. You need to stop being a little bitch, sack up, and be a man. It is up to me to teach the future of America some lessons on how to not be a pussy who makes excuses/takes the easy way out.

I'm just going to start punching kids in the face. When I get done with one, I will brand their forearms with a $. That means that that kid already got his medicine and he likely isn't crying in Target anymore while his mom does nothing. He's behaving himself. He knows that if he keeps being a spoiled little shit, Big Papa GMoney could knock his fucking teeth out. I recommend you do the same thing. Let's just start beating the shit out of young boys until they fucking learn that it's not OK to be a twat.

Damn parents. The next thing you know, some kid is going to kill himself because mommy and daddy wouldn't get him the new Madden game. Sometimes, I really hate America. Say what you want about terrorists, but I bet that their sons don't where a helmet when they ride their goats to the market to buy dynamite. Ah, simpler times. Now if you will excuse me, little Timmy over there needs to be silenced.

Introducing Cortez Benitez

I get home from work on Monday night and I'm feeling a bit...shall we say...amorous. I need to get my rocks off as the kids say. So I do what every other saavy blogger would do and I turn on the Little League World Series! Just kidding, FBI.

Anyway, some team from Georgia is trying to hold off another team from Washington maybe. But that is beside the point. What struck me as odd was that the closer from Warner Robins, GA was a fucking hoss. A 12 year old kid shouldn't 5'11" and 226 pounds.

I mean, every year we go through the same rumors (thanks Danny Almonte) of kids not being the correct age for little league. Well, I'm pretty sure that Cortez Broughton is in his mid-30's. He looks EXACTLY like former shitty pitcher, Armando Benitez. He throws like him, too, meaning that he wings it about 100 mph and has no fucking clue where it's going. Judge for yourself, but I'm pretty sure that Cortez and Armando are father and son.

And I'm still waiting to release that tension...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Brett Favre's First Interview as a Viking

After interviewing a dead guy last time, I thought it was only appropriate to interview a guy that we all wished was dead. Brett Favre is back ladies and gents, and Mr. Ace got the first interview with him as a Viking.

ME: Well hello Mr. Favre. So good to talk to you.
Brett Favre: Great to hear from you as well Mr. Ace. And you don't have to call me Mr. Favre.
ME: Oh, I wasn't planning on it. How about fuckface? Or maybe ass viking?
BF: How about we just stick with Brett, Ace.
ME: Can I just call you hillbilly? And call me Mr. Ace please.
BF: No.
ME: Fine. Pussy.

ME: I don't know if you know this or not, but I called that you would be coming back as a Viking way back in February...ya know, when you retired. What the fuck is the point of retiring after every season? Do you get better benefits if you retire more than once?
BF: I'm just an attention whore, I have no other way to explain it. When those cameras are all over me I get a little hard on.
ME: By "hard on" do you mean your vagina gets all warm and sticky?
BF: No, I mean an erection.
ME: You sick fuck. So you have been putting us through off-season hell the last three years because you have a camera fetish? Why don't you just go to Bestbuy and beat off all over their Canon display?
BF: I've been banned from Bestbuy.
ME: Even better, why don't you go to Wal-Mart and get your fix and then clean it up with a handful of Wranglers?
BF: I'm done talking about this.

ME: Okay. How fucked up did you and Koren Robinson used to get when you were teammates?
BF: What do you mean? We all had good times together.
ME: Don't play stupid with me. Koren has single handedly kept Steel Reserve in business and you pop Percocet like skittles. I find it hard to believe that you guys weren't sitting in the back of the film room getting blitzed.
BF: Oh, that. I didn't play a single game sober in 2007. Remember the playoff game against the Giants that season?
ME: Yeah, you through about seven interceptions and lost the game for your team.
BF: Yup, that's the one. Well Koren and I tried a new concoction that turns out that the best way to get all railed is to intake the drugs through your anus. Koren mixed up a tasty blend of vicatin, oxycodene and booze and shot it straight up my ass. I don't even remember that entire week.
ME: Good thing, because you were fucking terrible.
BF: So I've been told.

ME: Why do you refer to Brad Childress as "Chilly?" That is incredibly faggish.
BF: That's what he told me to call him, seriously. The first time I talked to the guy he said, "You can call me Chilly, unless you want to warm me up."
ME: So did you?
BF: Did I what?
ME: Did you warm him up?
BF: Well, sort of. He seemed to be really desperate and he had a camera with him. He made me dress up as Andy Reid and rub mayonnaise all over him.
ME: I knew it! I fucking knew it.
BF: Huh?
ME: I knew you had to do something other than be a terrible quarterback to get the contract you did. No way they paid you $12 mil just to throw 30 INT's.
BF: I'm a hall of famer, I deserve that contract.
ME: You're a bum, and deserve a kick in the dick.

ME: So be honest with me, you're really only coming back so you can stick it to the Packers, right?
BF: No, I know I can still play and Minnesota is the best fit for me.
ME: So you're telling me that you never thought about rolling into Lambeau on a trusty steed and then rifling a ball up into the press box and breaking Ted Thompson's face, just like Jimmy Dix in The Last Boy Scout?
BF: Not a day goes by when I don't think about stomping that man's scrotum.
ME: So you are just coming back to stick it to the Packers. I knew you weren't dumb enough to think you could still play. You're just taking a franchise hostage so you can get your petty revenge. You rascal.
BF: I can still play and I will prove it on the field.
ME: I hope A.J. Hawk sacks you and eats your intestines.
BF: You're a real ass hole.

ME: You looked really good in your preseason performance Friday night, missing training camp really paid off for you.
BF: I'm still a little rusty, but I was happy with my performance.
ME: Are you fucking kidding me? You went 1-4 for 4 yards. A quadriplegic could have put up better numbers.
BF: I'm going to be 40 soon, I'm just happy I didn't break a hip or shit my pants.
ME: Well then, great success.

ME: Last question. So I hear you have a thing for chicks with fake tits, is that true?
BF: Fuck you.
ME: Thanks for the interview, Brett.

Ron Mexihomo

OMG!!! Michael Vick had a fucking drink at an airport bar! Oh the humanity! Won't someone please think of the children!!! Look, the guy is a scumbag, but he isn't Leonard Little. He never killed anyone while drunk driving. His problem was (obviously) killing dogs which had nothing to do with booze.

"Michael, you can't do that," Tony Dungy said to

Can't do what, Captain Fraud? Live a normal fucking life? Have an adult beverage with friends? Has anyone in the history of the world not had a drink before getting on a flight? Oh, wait, I know why Dungy is pissed.

Vick ordered a Grey Goose and pineapple juice. Were they out of Parrot Bay and cum? Dungy doesn't like the gays and, as his mentor, is trying to ween Vick off of the queer drinks. After all, James Dungy used to drink sperm milkshakes on a daily basis. I managed to contact the iffeminite uncle of one of our commenters for his take on Vick's drink choice:

G$: Your thoughts on Mike Vick throwing back a Goose and pineapple juice?
Uncle: What a fag.

Exactly. Live it up, Mikey. You're a free man. There is nothing wrong with ordering just a beer though. But stay away from the Miller Lite's...those are about as gay as it gets.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Cy Sandman

I realize that after last week, most of you assumed that this blog was strictly a football/testicle care website. It is, in fact, more than that. Today we take a break from that good stuff to talk some baseball. The Cy Young Award in the American League, to be exact.

I should mention that I don't really care about these end of the season awards. Not since Justin Morneau's Canadian ass stole the MVP from Jeter in 2006 and Cliff Lee won the Cy last just isn't very important. I mean, if the voters are going to devalue the awards so much by giving it to bums, then why should I waste my time? But that can be rectified this year. I brought up this exact same topic over at TSP last week, and the opinions were split. I may as well plead my case here.

Mariano Rivera should win the Cy Young Award this year in the American League. Allow me to explain:

First, let's bring out the contenders:
Zach Greinke - He's 11-8. I don't care if he has a sub 3 ERA, he's 3 games over .500.
Felix Hernandez - Sure, he's 12-4 and all, but no one stays up to watch him pitch. He may as well be pitching in Siberia. No one is going to vote for someone that they don't watch.

Roy Halladay - Eh, he's 13-6 but he really hasn't been pitching well ever since the All-Star break. Plus, he looks like Hans Klopek from teh classic film, The 'Burbs.
Justin Verlander - He may lead the league in K's, but he's too white trash for such a prestigious award. He couldn't even beat IAN SNELL last week.
CC - Leads the AL in innings pitched and has a chance for 20 wins. I don't see it happening though.
Josh Beckett - The one guy that has a strong case. Leads the league in wins with 14 going into Sunday's game and his 3.38 ERA is not too shabby.

Yeah, there are some good contenders, but nobody really stands out. And this is where Rivera comes into play. He leads the AL in saves through Friday with 36. He has converted 32 straight. He has a 1.90 ERA. How about this, a 57/8 strikeout to walk ratio. In my personal opinion, he has been the most dominating pitcher in the AL this season.

Some people might argue that a closer should not win the Cy Young Award ever. There is some merit to that argument since they usually only need to get 3 outs and their job is complete. But look at it this way: Josh Beckett only gives his team a chance to win one (every once in awhile two) game per week. A great closer can lock down 4-5 wins per week. So which one is more valuable in this instance: the starting pitcher or the closer? Let's look at, oh, say the last 10 World Series winners. With the exception of Foulke in 2004 and BK Kim (who had nothing to do with that title) in 2001, when was the last time that a team won a title with a shitty closer?

I also believe in doing what's right. By all accounts, Mariano is one of the classiest men in the business and has been the most dominating pitcher in baseball over the past decade (seriously, name someone else that has been damn near unhittable for 13-14 years by throwing only one pitch). I believe in lifetime achievement awards. This is the year where he should finally get the hardware that he deserves.

Am I a homer for writing about this? Kind of, I guess, but I don't think that I'm wrong. Starting pitching this year really hasn't been great and Mo has been lights out. You can crush me all you want to in the comments, but at the end of the day, you can still eat my shit. I'm interested to hear what you think though: should Rivera win the Cy Young Award if the season ended today?

Team Big 'Uns

So the G$FL Draft has came and went and I know that all of you are clammoring to find out about my roster? What was my game plan? What does a genius do with the fifth pick anyway? Well, I will tell you what a smart owner does in a league where all td's are worth 6 picks. The first four picks were chalk with Purple Jesus, Mo-Jo, Turner, and Forte. Then it came to your old buddy G$. He doesn't believe that you HAVE to take a RB in the first round. And this is why he settled on (happily I might add):

Thomas E. Brady, Jr. Yeah, I've already punched my ticket to the playoffs after round one. The rest of the team looks like this:

Brian Westbrook (it was between he and Portis and it killed me to pass on Sheriff Gonna Getcha but the fact is, the Eagles are going to find the endzone more)
Roddy White STUD
Wes Welker STUD (love having he and Brady together)
Knowshon Moreno (best RB available)
Vincent Jackson
Cedric Benson (you don't pass on starting RB's on teams that will score a lot in the 7th round)
Donald Brown (I have a good feeling about this kid)
Tim Hightower (Beanie is a pussy)
Chris Henry (looks better than ever)
Ricky Williams (eh, why not?)
Jeremy Shockey (again, eh?)
Mario Manningham (will likely be the first guy cut from my roster
Mason Crosby
Devin Thomas (had to get a Redskin)
Bear defense
Kerry Collins (whatever, I only need him for one week)
Chris Baker (Brady's redzone target and Shockey insurance)

I go into week one with this lineup:
Brady, R. White, Welker, V, Jackson, Westbrook, Moreno, Benson, Shockey, Crosby, Bears D

Someone please try and convince me how this isn't a playoff team? Eat shit, rest of the G$FL, you are looking at the champion. Tom Brady will not let me down.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Bringin' The High Hate

There is no doubt in my mind that That 70's Show is the biggest piece of shit ever created. It is no surprise that a terrible network like Fox kept it on the air for so long. If you like this show, you are retarded and should be forced to work out in Chris Benoit's weight room. Normally, comedies are supposed to make you laugh. The writing on this show was beyond awful and provided no actual jokes at all. We get it, these idiots liked to smoke weed and be douchbags. It was horrible. Thanks for launching Ashton Kutcher's "career". Thanks for letting America meet some asshole named Topher. Thanks for Fez...the gayest character in television history. Nothing about this show was good. I hated it then and I still hate it now. With fantasy football drafts starting, let's take some time out to list players that I "hate" this year. Hate is a strong word when it comes to fantasy football as I could see myself drafting any of these guys. But it would have to be a scenario in which you get good value and I see little value in these guys (pertaining to my roster). Let's begin.

QB - Kurt Warner
Man, Warner is slated as a top 5 quarterback for fantasy purposes but can you really trust a guy this old and this immobile? Sure, he was awesome last season, but do you want to hitch your wagon to a late 30's QB who is one hit away from blowing up your team? Yeah, you could handcuff him with Leinart, I guess, but Kurt is far from a sure thing. Someone in your league will likely take him in the late 3rd/early 4th round. Let them have him. You don't need to take the risk.

RB - LaDainian Tomlinson
Many are predicting a big comeback for LT. I'm not so sure about that. I would be nervous if I grabbed him in the top 8. Injuries have become a massive issue with Tomlinson and, let's face it, his best days for fantasy purposes are way behind him. Can he get you 12 TD's? Probably. But with the emergence of Captain Lofty Pass at QB and the awesomeness of Darren Sproles, there are too many variables to make me think that he is a sure-fire first round pick. In the G$FL, Damman is picking 11th. If Tomlinson is still there, I would be all over it. But I'm picking 5th and I have no desire at all to grab him. Bill Simmons thinks that he would take LT at 2. That is fucking nuts.

WR - Braylon Edwards
Oh, so much wasted potential. He's got all the tools in the world yet he doesn't have it between the ears or the fingers. Browns fans were anticipating a big turnaround for BE this year but already in the first preseason game, he is dropping touchdown passes. Why would you take a WR early if he can't catch the football. And especially on a team like the Browns who aren't going to score much anyway. Let some Browns homer take Braylon while you take the less sexy but safer choice (like a TJ Houshmandzadeh). You won't be sorry. I was very sorry last season taking him in the second round.

TE - Kellen Winslow
People always like to take this guy early with hope that he finally realizes his potential and becomes the dominant middle of the field force that he should be. Don't count on it this year. Tampa Bay just paid him big money (for reasons unknown). He's never been healthy. He's stupid. He had a staph infection in his balls last year. The guy is just a mess. Also, stay away from Jeremy Shockey. I've said it before and I'll say it again: let the idiots in your league take the high risk picks. Playing it safe is a good thing.

DEF - Eagles
The Eagles defense, which normally is near the top, has lost the heart (Stewart Bradley), brains (Jim Johnson), and soul (Brian Dawkins) from last year. Of course there will be some major fall-off in their usual dominance. You just can't replace guys like that. And let's not forget that all the interceptions and three-and-outs that are trademark Donovan McNabb. He sucks. I'm just saying, this defense won't be nearly as solid as it used to be...Mr. Ace be damned.

There you go. If you would like to argue, have at it, hoss. As for me, I am so freaking pumped for the G$FL Draft on Sunday afternoon. Like I said, I'm picking 5th. I already have Plan A and Plan B formulated and am excited about both. Damman knows this plan. Shut the fuck up, Damman. But if you were in my shoes, who are you taking at 5 (that you think will still be there)? FYI, Dut is picking 2nd. Drew is picking 12th. GSaul is picking 10th. Pietsch is shooting 9th. It should be interesting. Count on a post Monday morning in which we dissect a few rosters. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Plea For Justice

Dear Bernard Pollard,

You don't know me, but I am well aware of you and your work. And now is when I need your help the most. You, Bernard, are the only man that I know of that takes matters into your own hands and gets the job done. This is why I have come to you. Allow me to explain.

You see, last year, like many over-excited fantasy football GM's, I laid my entire season on the line based on the awesomeness of Tom Brady. He didn't play in any preseason games last year due to an ankle injury, but I didn't give a fuck. He set the league record for touchdown passes during the 2007 season, I figured he would be fine. The Patriots were set to open their season against your Chiefs in week one and, lo and behold, there was Tommy getting loose on the sidelines. The man that would bring me to fantasy glory was back in action. I have to admit, I was turned on by the thought of an undefeated fantasy football season. Well, you sort of took a huge dump on my excitement. Quite quickly, I might add.

In less than one quarter of the NFL season, my top player was done for the year. Whether what you did to him was a cheap shot or not is irrelevant to me. The fact remains, you ended Brady's (and my) season. But after the initial shock wore off, I was OK with it. I had an epiphany. It dawned on me that you saved me from having to root for a team from Boston. That you ended their season before it barely got going. That you made the Patriots a team that couldn't even beat the rotten Dolphins for AFC East supremacy. And I applaud you for that.

Now, I've got to admit, I'm a little confused over your actions in camp this year. You've got your brand new, shiny QB in Matt Cassel and your brand new head coach installing a brand new offense. Yet here you are, blitzing during a practice and diving at Cassel's knees. Doing it to your opponent is one thing, but to your own "franchise" QB? That seems a bit odd. Maybe you lost your balance or got pushed or Brodie Croyle paid you a bounty (bj's from his hot ass wife?) to do it...I don't know. But what I do know is that you have a thirst for knees. If vampires need blood then Bernard Pollard needs knee ligaments of pretty boys for sustenance. I KNOW that you are going to get another one this year, but can I make a suggestion?

Bernard, if you were unaware, you and your Chiefs are set to do battle with the Minnesota Vikings tomorrow night. In case you haven't heard, they just signed Brett Favre to be their new awful QB. For some reason, Brad Childress is starting him about 72 hours after signing him. Since you are a defensive player (which means you're sort of a moron), let me spell it out for you.

End it. End his fucking career. You go in on a safety blitz on the first fucking play of the game and you send that hillbilly fuck back to Mississippi with a gimp that he will never lose. Brady and Cassel actually seem like decent guys and it didn't bother you to go after them. So how about using your powers for good this time and ripping that God damn country-fried knee right off? You would become a national hero. EVERYONE would love you for putting an end to Favre's shit (except for Minnesotans but they elected Al Franken AND Jesse Ventura so they don't really matter). Parades would be thrown in your honor. Americans would begin ignoring our servicemen and proclaiming YOU as this country's greatest resource.

In closing, Bernard, America needs you. Times are tough. With so many Americans suffering, we need football. We need heroes. We need a guy willing to shorten Brett Favre's life. And if you need more convincing, Favre is taking Sage Rosenfels job so I assume that #4 is an anti-semite.

Thank you in advance, Bernard. I will enjoy the bloodbath. I've done all that I can. The power is in your hands now.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Scratcher's Manifesto

Some dipshit once said that the best things in life are free. Whether it be Big Papi getting busted as a 'roider or coming into work and finding out that your boss is off sick that day, I'm starting to believe this cliche as well. This is especially true for an act that only a man can truly appreciate. Of course, I'm speaking of the age-old male practice of scratching your balls.

Let me just throw this out there right away, I fucking love to dig at my sack. I love it. It feels awesome. I do it whenever and wherever I want/need to do it. It embarrasses the shit out of She$ which is another added bonus.

Now, the wife seems to think that I have a problem. She says things like, "you haven't worn a cup in a decade so why is this still an issue?" First of all, this is not a problem. This is a God damn solution. Second, I'm not a doctor. I don't know why my nuts still itch. I don't have jock itch. I think deep down that my scrotum is in sync with my brain and knows when I could use a little pick-me-up and thus gives me a need to dig and I immediately feel better. Third, and women don't get this, adjusting your gear is not scratching your balls. Neither is unsticking your bag from your thigh on those "swampy" days that all testicles hate. Fair enough?

OK, so how do you go about this? How do you not look like an amateur nut-scratcher? My first recommendation is not to worry about your surroundings. If you've got an itch, scratch the motherfucker. You don't feel self-conscious when you are at the store and your head itches, do you? Same thing with your berries. Then, it's all about technique. JB (the same guy who faked a seizure at a strip club) and I once devised the only two methods that you should scratch by. I have recently developed a third practice. They are as follows:

1. The Pinch-N-Twist - The most discreet of the techniques by far. It won't get the itch completely gone, but it does the trick if you are in a public venue and would like to somewhat hide what you are doing. It's simple really. You pinch the effected sack area and give it a little twist. I've done this while standing at the altar as someone's groomsman in the past. It was wonderful.

2. The All-Out-War - All hands on deck for this one. This practice is all about getting the job done by any means necessary. You may even use both hands if need be. Basically, there are no rules for the AOW. War is a messy business in which casualties are acceptable for the good of the cause. Same thing with a testicle itch. If you have to dig at it until your bag is raw, fuck it. The ends justify the means. It's about doing whatever it takes.

3. The Rusty Nail - This is the one that I have recently developed on my own. As long as you have a decent fingernail growth, bring it on. This does require you to make direct contact with the sack though. You find the itch, use your longest nail, and scrape the inconvenience away. It's fairly simple but extremely effective. Do NOT actually use a rusty nail unless you get turned on by having your pills infected with tetanus. By the way, none of you should ever shake my hand again.

I can't tell you how to achieve the sweet release of a recently well-scratched scrote, but I can at least guide you on technique and advice. I hope that you all only use this for good. Oh, and please do not practice near an elementary school. I learned that the hard way. Ironically, your peers in the county lock-up are more than willing to help you with your itch. Who would have thought?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Bitch Is Back

Oh, come on. When will the lies end? Brett Favre is back much to everyone's dismay. Consider this an open forum to discuss how much we all hate this fucktard. At least now we can all band together and root against the Vikings every week since, other than the Cowboys, Minnesota is now the most despised team in the league.

I really wish that Favre would have taken a cue from James Dungy and hung himself years ago. I hate you, Brett Favre.

Tony Dungy Makes Me Sick

First and foremost, this is not a post about Michael Vick. There have been enough words wasted on that loser over the past few weeks. I don't care what he does in his personal life anymore or how Andy Reid will incorporate him into the offense (poorly, I imagine). Last week, our very own horny commenter, Stiles, had a nice post about Tony Dungy sort of being a fraud during this whole saga. It got the ball rolling for me. So let's take a moment to discuss the recent actions of America's favorite mentor.

Like I said, I am OK with second chances. Obviously, they are a big deal and all. There are going to be interviews and press conferences and whatnot. I accept that. But why in the hell is Tony Dungy showing up at all of these events? What purpose does he serve? He has known Vick for what, 3 months? All of a sudden he is qualified to answer questions about how much of a changed man this guy is? Oh, but don't worry about it. Everybody loves Tony Dungy!

I've never really understood why all of the media assholes fawn over Dungy. The guy coached for a long time. He managed to take very talented teams and get upset in the playoffs every year but one. That one, of course, was when he finally got out of Peyton's way and let him run the show without fucking things up. Hell, you could have called him the Black Norv Turner if not for one rainy night in Miami. What exactly made Dungy a great coach anyway? Is it because he never yelled or showed emotion? That he is a God-fearing, church-going man? Are we afraid to criticize black coaches? Or because his teams always had a shit-ton of talent? Does anyone really believe that had his first job been with the Lions, he would still be revered as this great man? Yet it seems like Dungy gets a free pass just because he is "dignified" and won one Super Bowl (the same number as Brian Billick and George Siefert, by the way) against the greatness of Rex Grossman.

But here he is. The righter of wrongs. The man who can take the most hardened of criminals and mold them into a productive member of society. Here's the thing that I don't get though: is it wrong of me to assume that if Michael Vick was a white guy, he would not be anywhere near this scene? I feel like there could be some reverse racism working here. I wonder if Matt Jones is waiting by the phone hoping that Dungy will help him with his coke problem. Or Ryan Leaf. Or Alex Boone (he's got to be in jail, right?).

So yeah, I'll call Dungy a bigot. He doesn't mind riding the coattails of playmaking white guys, but if they need help, fuck 'em. And who could forget his open disdain toward gays! That was a great day in the life of sexual tolerance.

I see through this charade though. I do. Follow me here. Frequent punchline of this site, James Dungy, killed himself a few years back likely in part to Tony not being around to be his father. I'm not saying that that was the sole reason that he committed suicide, but I'm sure it didn't help with his decision. Since Tony failed with his own son, Vick is now playing the role of James Dungy in his life. Isn't that sweet? Hopefully he does a better job the second time around than Andy Reid did. But it would be amusing if after a few months, Tony just started ignoring Vick who eventually would hang himself. That would be awesome on so many different levels.

Other than Jesus, what else is Tony Dungy qualified to give advice on anyway? Silence? He was an overrated coach, a crappy father, and a man intolerant of other cultures. Is this really who we want convicted felons to model their rehabilitated lives after? I don't think so. So stay the fuck away from Vick, Tony Dungy. He's going to have a hard enough time gaining public favor. He doesn't need to learn how to be a deadbeat, queer-hating loser on Sundays.

I'm G$ and I approve this hate-filled, over-the-top message. James Dungy does, too...IN HELL!!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

PGA Final Round Live Journal!

Hey! She$ is gone for the day, I plan on doing nothing, I am rocking the shirtless guy look on this glorious No Pants Sunday, and what else would I rather be doing than blogging? How about a live journal of the final round of The PGA Championship from Bumfuck, Minnesota? Done and done. Let's do this. Nick Faldo says that this tournament will come down to the final few holes and I assume that he is not lying to me. Because if he is... We will get started LIVE (not really, consider this to be on tape delay) from the friendsly confines of the Money Mansion when Tiger hits the first tee at 2:45.

2:40 HELLO FRIENDS! Hell yeah, Jim Nantz and the creepy smile greet us today. He and Han Solo Faldo are hanging out with the Wanamaker Trophy which has to be the dumbest and gayest trophy name ever.
2:44 Yeah, yeah, yeah Tiger has never lost a major when he was leading going into the final round. Am I predicting him to win major #15 today? Well, are Rally's built only in completely shitty neighborhoods? Yes and yes.
2:44 NCIS: Los Angeles? Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J? Is it 1996 again?
2:45 Tiger is rocking some serious back sweat...just like me!
2:46 Y.E. Yang has almost no shot to win this. Hell, his caddy is making stir-fry right now. Expect more casually racist remarks today.
2:48 FYI, we will be toggling between golf, the race, and Red Sox/Rangers today. Eat shit.
2:50 If you watch The Mentalist, you should be ashamed of yourself.
2:52 Tiger puts his 184 yard approach on 1 within 6 feet. This is over. I'm glad that I signed up to live journal this event for the next 4 hours. Fuck me.
2:57 Ugh, shitty effort by Woods on that putt. Rush Limbaugh says that a white guy would have made that.

3:00 Am I seeing this right? Paddy Harrington has a woman as a caddy? I can't respect a man who asks a woman for advice in an athletic competition. Get your ass in the kitchen, bitch.
3:06 I can't take anyone seriously if they are wearing a white belt. Fags.
3:08 CBS is taking a commercial break after every Tiger shot. They better cut that shit out. FYI, I'm writing this post on the brand new Money Shot Laptop. It's already caked with semen.
3:10 Kurt Angle got busted for HGH. I can't say that I'm surprised. It's true, it's true.
3:13 Tiger misses another birdie putt on 2. He should be playing on the And1 golf tour.
3:17 Mark Martin is apparently having issues with his ear plugs. I assume that he's just going deaf.
3:22 Ugh, I'm already bored with this. SOMEBODY MAKE A FUCKING BIRDIE!
3:24 Holy shit, the guy representing 2010 PGA site, Whistling Straits, looks like a serial killer. Now I'm paying attention again.
3:25 Tiger tells the ball to "bite" about 400 times on hole #3. It did not bite.
3:28 Lucas "The Glove" Glover is now at -6. He still blows.

3:32 Despite his tiny Asian penis, Yang birdies and is one back of El Tigre.
3:37 I really fucking hate U2. They have got to be the most annoying band of all-time.
3:39 Ernie Els has quite the gigantic ass. Just sayin'. He's probably Sir Mix-A-Lot's favorite golfer.
3:41 Eldrick bogeys 4 and now is tied with Chien Minh Yang. Interesting.
3:43 Paddy is going par crazy through 5. He's just missing birdie putts. He must be drunk...or not drunk enough.
3:50 Just met the neighbor lady, Ruth. Nice broad. I'm quite certain that she was turned on by my shirtless guy look.
3:53 Payne Stewart feature...never get on a plane that doesn't have cabin pressure.
3:56 Tiger has the lead again after Yang bogeys 5 with his left blinker on.

4:00 Steve Flesch-balloon is somewhere on the course right now. He looks exactly like Mr. Strickland from Back To The Future. Slacker!
4:05 This Kjeldsen fella is putting his ass off this weekend. He's like the anti-Vijay Singh. By the way, I was watching round 3 with my father-in-law on Saturday and we were laughing our asses off at Stinky missing all of those 3 footers. Hilarious.
4:09 It's sad that I flip over to the NASCAR race trying to make myself un-bored. It didn't work. Jeff Gordon just got an air pressure intake valve adjustment. How exciting.
4:11 James Brown interview with Mike Vick is tonight on 60 Minutes. Yeah, I'm sure that he's rehabilitated and sorry for what he did.
4:13 Dear Tiger, wake me up. PLEASE GO FOR THE GREEN IN TWO!
4:15 I just pulled out a chest hair just to see if I could still feel pain. I can not. I blame this tournament.
4:16 Fuck you, Tiger. Conservative Tiger pisses me off. Yang just fired one into the gallery going for the green in two. I'm starting to like this little charlie.
4:22 Paddy is hitting the fucking ball over the place. I'm better than him. Just nuked one in the water. He's done.
4:25 The Yankees are facing some guy named Fister today. You can't make this shit up.
4:28 Paddy takes an 8 on the par 3 8th. Nice job, Tin Cup. This is a two minority race now for the title.

4:30 Jesus Christ. Tiger is in the sand on 8. Will someone do something good already!!! Slope McGee answers the call and should be pulling even with Woods now.
4:37 Yang blows his chance to take the outright lead on 8 but does manage to finish off the happy ending for his caddy. God damn, this is boring.
4:46 Talking to mom on the phone. Easily the most exciting part of the day.
4:51 Tiger and Yang make the turn tied at -6. G$ starts questioning his decision to follow this shitstorm.
4:55 Highlights of Sergio choking last year at Oakland Hills always makes me smile.
4:59 Holy shit! Tiger actually puts an approach less than 50 feet from the pin. Good chance at birdie for the greatest to ever play.

5:05 Nick Faldo just mentioned Tiger's trousers...and again he misses a birdie putt. I should have went golfing with Damman and Buke today. Huge lapse in judgement by me. Oh well, Nick Swisher just delivered a Swisher Sweet off of that Fister fella.
5:07 Yang has been solid today. But I could do without him doing math homework in between shots.
5:11 I would never leave my money in the Bank Of Ireland. But I would bet that all the tellers there know how to take a punch.
5:13 ALRIGHT! Tiger playing with some balls and gets on the par 5 11th in two! Finally, something interesting is happening.
5:16 Let's take a moment to congratulate Phil Mickelson on his +12 showing this weekend. What a bag of shit.
5:21 Annnnnnnd Tiger birdies 11 to take the lead back. I credit this to me finally putting a shirt on today.
5:28 Nice close-up on Steve Edwards' legs. Gross. Tiger just launched a 6 iron 225 yards. Damn. Too bad the shot was awful.

5:30 Big Ern is only three shots back. Interesting as it appears Tiger will card a bogey here. Vijay finishes his tournament at +1. You can see the stink lines coming off of him.
5:36 We're tied again. Tiger is playing like shit. Yang, where is my automobile?
5:38 Joba is really pissing me off with his inconsistencies. He needs to lay off of his mother's crystal meth.
5:40 Nice job by CBS completely missing Tiger's tee shot on the par 3 12th. Fuckers.
5:43 Brian Vickers wins at MIS. You don't care.
5:46 Another missed birdie putt for T-Woods. This is so fucking painful to watch and it's not even close to being over with. Still tied with 5 holes left.
5:49 This terrible tournament better not effect the Big Brother start time tonight. Don't fuck with me, Jim Nantz.
5:52 Yang and Tiger both go for the par 4 14th green in one. Both fail miserably. Words can't describe how much I would rather be hanging myself right now.
5:56 YANG CHIPS IN FOR EAGLE AT 14! I'm awake again! Tiger with a must-make birdie putt now or this fucker is over...and he drills it. It's on now.

6:03 Tiger just hit his drive on 15 about 600 yards. It's about fucking time that he got aggressive.
6:04 I had no idea that Corey Pavin was still alive.
6:11 Great, we're taking commercials after every shot again. Julie Chen is going to whip Tiger's ass over this.
6:18 Tiger and Yang both with pars. If Tiger does not win, he can blame himself for sucking ass on par 5's this weekend.
6:24 I'm going to take the next few minutes to look at some porn. Why didn't I think of this earlier? And to answer your question, yes, pieces of the Erin Andrew peephole video are still available.
6:27 He's playing his ass off and I give him credit, but Yang is getting extremely fortunate on bounces today.

6:31 And we go to the par 3 17th still with Yang holding a one shot lead. He really wants the Wanamaker Wok. He's done the math and, yes, he can win this.
6:36 Ooooooooooooooooh Redskins and Pats on CBS this Friday night. Maybe we will score this week!
6:40 Yang goes middle of the green. Tiger goes...over. Ladies and gents, this tournament is pretty much over. Y.E. fucking Yang is going to win a major. This has to be the worst year for major winners ever.
6:48 Tiger bogeys 17. He is going to kill someone before he leaves Minnesota. Yang bogeys though two because he feels the heat. Nice 3 putt, gook. On to 18 with Tiger down 1. This is the worst golf tournament ever.
6:51 If those goes to a playoff, I quit. I can't handle much more of this shit.
6:57 Whoa, Yang sticks a wood from 203 to within 6-8 feet. Tiger is running out of time. Very Shaun Micheel-esque there.
6:58 This bitch is over as Tiger goes over the green again. What a waste of a day this turned out to be.
7:03 Birdie, motherfucker. That does it. Goliath has finally been slain (bible reference!).

There you go. Egg Roll Yang is the 2009 PGA Championship winner. And I have decided to never live journal a golf tournament again. My God, this was a horrible life decision. I would have rather watched ten episodes of That 70's Show (worst show ever). Move over Micheel and Rich Beem, you've got company now as the worst major winners ever.

Hide Your Beagle, Vick's With the E-A-G-L-E -S EAGLES!

Perspective. That is the word of the day. That's all I want out of you fucking lunatics. Perspective. Let's put Vick's actions into perspective before we proclaim him the Hitler of the canine world.

I love animals. I love dogs. Hell, I cry like a Catholic choir boy at the end of Turner & Hooch every time. What Vick did to the pitbull's he owned and fought was disgusting. I can't imagine having the ability to hold a dog under water until it died. I can't imagine blowing a dogs brains out after it lost a fight and lost me a couple thousand dollars. His actions were repulsive and he fully deserved to be punished for his actions.

And guess what, he did. So get the fuck over it. The guy spent two years in the slammer for his involvement in dog fighting, he has paid his debt to society...and then some. He has lost hundreds of millions of dollars, he's bankrupt, and he is going to be hounded(get it?) by morons(PETA) for the rest of his career. What more do you want from the guy? He is going to do the work within the community to help stop dog fighting--and take a bite out of crime-- because that is what he has to do to win over public opinion. But I'm pretty sure you won't find "become the next Steve fucking Irwin" anywhere on his probation papers.

Perspective. It's not like Vick went out and murdered somebody...ahem, Ray Lewis. It's not like he tried to gun a guy down outside his own club and then hired a hitman to finish the job...Marvin Harrison. It's not like he was down in South Beach smokin' some trees and pounding some Patron before he jumped behind the wheel and killed a man...Donte Stallworth...Leonard Little. So I don't want to here any shit about him not deserving a second chance.

As far as the Eagles go, unless Vick learned how to play middle linebacker or free safety during his time as Leavonworth I don't think his addition means all that much. The Eagles may have just stumbled upon the best backup QB in the NFL and the perfect fit for the Wildcat formation, but who knows, maybe all the reach arounds he had to give in the pen destroyed his throwing arm. It's kind of crazy to think that Vick just signed for $1.6 mil and he probably won't see the field til week 6. But the Bengals offered him a deal worth around $2 mil so I guess the Eagles got him on the cheap. I bet Kevin Kolb is sweating like a fag eating a corndog thinking about Vick taking his spot on the depth chart. But Kolb looks like the kind of guy who likes fags and corndogs so maybe that's not so abnormal for him.

Either way Michael Vick is a Philadelphia Eagle, get over it. I've already got my jersey on order. Ron Mexico is back.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Mad Fantasy Love

***I'm not talking about Michael Vick signing with the Eagles. I am leaving that to Mr. Ace if he wants to throw up a post. If he doesn't care as an Eagles fan, then why should we give a fuck? That being said, on with Fantasy Football Friday.***

If you are wondering who this busty, fiery redhead is, well this is Christina Hendricks. She plays the hottest woman ever on the AMC awesome drama, Mad Men. If you aren't watching this show, you really should be. It comes back for season 3 this Sunday night at 10 pm. Trust me, you will not be sorry. Personally, I love Mad Men. It's got office smoking, scotch drinking at all hours, degrading women, and Christina fucking Hendrix. As much as I love this show, hey, I also love some fantasy players this season. Why not segue into a post in which I discuss a few players that I think will have big to monster seasons the size of Christina's melons? After all, things are finally calming down at the Money Mansion and it's time to start focusing on my drafts. For fuck's sake, the G$FL Draft is next Sunday.

QB - Aaron Rodgers
Dude, this guy is a top 6-7 QB. He was not a one year wonder. You could steal him away in the 5th round of your draft and be completely satisfied with your reward. Why take Tony Romo or Kurt Warner in the 3rd round when you can get a better QB two rounds later? Exactly. It doesn't make sense. Don't be afraid of Rodgers. He has weapons everywhere, his running backs sort of suck, and his defense made him throw a lot last season. That's the thing right there. You want your QB to play on a team with a shitty defense making him throw in the 4th quarter.

RB - Steve Slaton
Just like Rodgers, are you really sure that you want to tie up your end of the first round pick on a 2nd year possibly fluky RB. Yes. Yes you do. I've talked myself into thinking that Slaton could be the next big thing in the backfield. Maybe not a Tomlinson, but I think he could be the next Brian Westbrook (without the gaping vagina though). The Texans are going to score. Don't worry about that. And in this day and age when it seems like every team splits carries, Slaton really doesn't share with anyone. Ahman Green? Hilarious. If you are picking from 9-12, feel free to hop on board the Slaton bandwagon.

WR - Chad Ochocinco
OK, I admit it. I found 85 hilarious on the first episode of Hard Knocks. "Child please" might even find it's way into my daily vocabulary. I don't really expect the Bengals to challenge in the North this year, but I do expect them to be much better. A healthy Carson Palmer will help those WR's. Don't get me wrong, Chad BURIED my team last year. But that was last year. And I only have room for one grudge (Braylon). As far as 85 goes, Housh isn't around anymore to steal catches from him. Do you really think Laverne Coles and Chris Henry are going to out-produce Chad? I don't think so. You may not like him, but I think that he has a nice bounce back year before he spends all of next summer asking to be traded. He'd be great as your #2 WR.

TE - Dustin Keller, NYJ
The Jets are going to suck. They have no weapons in the passing game. Hell, they're going to be the proud owners of the worst QB's in the league this year. But, they will be able to run the ball. Which means that they will be in the red zone. Whoever is throwing picks and incompletions for them this Fall will learn quickly that Cotchery and Stuckey are awful. The safety valve? Dustin Keller. I had him last year and loved him. It seemed like he scored every week. I wouldn't recommend loading up on Jets this year, BUT, Keller in the 12th round is better than Shockey or Winslow in the 7th-9th.

Defense - Dallas
In my league of heroes, I don't put much focus on defenses. But if you are in a league that rewards for turnovers and especially sacks, the Cowboys make sense. They got rid of shitheads like Roy Williams and Pacman. DeMarcus Ware is a stud. They get to play Eli Manning and Donovan McNabb 4 times. You'll have the dickhead in your league take the Steelers or Ravens defense in the 8th round, it always happens, but you are smarter than that. It's a wasted pick. If you are one of those guys that waits until the last 2 rounds to take a defense, don't be afraid of the Redskins, too.

Next week: Guys that I hate. Agree or disagree with the love? Let me know in the comments. Keep in mind, last year when I did this post, I said that I loved Jason Campbell, Larry Johnson, Santonio, and Shockey so take this for what it's worth. I'll be back on Monday hopefully talking about Tiger, just make sure that you WATCH MAD MEN.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Affirmative Action Fail

Look, I'm all for helping minorities out in the work force. As long as they are qualified, they should have just as much of a chance at a position as the always awesome white guy. The Rooney Rule is a great rule and has done wonders to promote African Americans up the food chain in the NFL. But at what point is it counter-productive? At what point are we just shoving minorities into roles just because we have to?

Of course, I am speaking about ESPN's baseball coverage and the fact that, once again, they have no clue what they are doing. From my count, they employ three Mexican on-camera baseball analysts (I'm too lazy to look up where each is from. They are from south of the US so I'm just going to refer to them as Mexicans. Deal with it. Now go get me a cheesy double beef burrito). Not one of them has a fucking clue nor can they speak coherently. This has been bothering me for awhile now. Let's attack them one at a time:

Eduardo Perez - This mountain of shit takes 5 minutes to say what a deaf mute could say in 5 seconds. He is still trying to finish a sentence that he started last April. The dipshit can't speak! I was watching Sportscenter the other week and the anchor started his story by saying, "ESPN's Eduardo Perez is reporting..." and I immediately changed the channel.

Orestes Destrade - He suffers from the same stigma as Perez but with different outcomes. Instead of taking forever to finish a thought, Orestes tries to jam 5 sentences into one without stopping for a breath. And he twitches more than Jose fucking Canseco. I always get a kick out of listening to ESPN Radio and that awful show with Seibel and Destrade is on and he tries to talk about football or hoops. He's a fucking moron! On Fridays, ESPN likes to have Perez and Destrade on the same panel...FAIL!

Fernando Vina - Wasn't this guy on the Mitchell Report? Didn't he finish third runner-up in the Chavo Guerrero lookalike contest last year? Was he the one that Albert Belle destroyed on the base path? I hate everything about this man. Everything. His lack of a neck. His faggy facial hair. His spiked bangs. This man is objectionable on every level possible.

I guess I will end with a short letter to the mediocre people at ESPN:

Dear ESPN:
I never thought that you could hire people worse than Steve Phillips and Joe Morgan. But when it came to the Latino hirings, you fucking failed miserably. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a racist. Chris Singleton is outstanding and I like Dave Winfield. But I beg you to please show these three fucking assholes back across the Rio Grande and get them out of my life for good.
Eat shit,

PS: Feel free to kill Steve Phillips.

Rick Pitino Rules

I'm going to call this now. For awhile, the leader in the clubhouse was the ShamWow guy getting into a bloody brawl with a hooker but this passes that. The Rick Pitino/Karen Sypher story is, right now, the funniest story of the year.

When I go to check my e-mail and the headline reads:

"Agent: Pitino's $3,000 Not For Abortion"

How can you not laugh at that! That is hilarious. Everything about this story is fantastic. But I would like some questions answered. Now, I don't know much about abortions other than I enjoy making jokes about it, but I never knew that they cost so much. How do high school kids and ghetto trash afford these things? People in Louisville love Pitino yet also thump their bibles. Which do they put first: basketball or the pro-life preachings of the good book?

Am I missing something though? Tell me that this isn't the most bizarre and awesome saga of 2009. Wait a minute. After covening with the Hottest Bartender in Columbus, we have determined that while this is funny, it does not stack up to the "Roberto Alomar has AIDS" story. Let that be a lesson to you young and dirty joke writers out there; AIDS is funnier than abortions.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Deconstructing The Buckeyes

It's that time of year again when the douchiest of douchers come out of hibernation and start annoying us sane people with their incoherent ramblings. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about you, Ohio State football fans. Since all of you are already telling me about how great you will be, how about we take a closer look at your team. The team that will likely not live up to your expecations.

Now we all know and hate these insufferable tampons (Drew, Damman, Li'l Strut, etc.) and I've been hearing nothing but horseshit spewing from their male anus magnets that they call mouths for a month now. But before I jump on board and start believing in the red and gray (it's fucking red, you fags), how about answering a few questions for me? It won't make me a believer, per se, because I can already see the future and it's looking 10-3 to me. But maybe it will help you taper your own expectations a bit. Doubtful. Here we go:

Your d-line should be pretty good and the secondary is top notch, but those linebackers should worry you a bit, no? There seems to be very little experience there and one of the starters already faked a broken skull or something just so he wouldn't have to wear that God awful uniform this year. So why are you jacked about the LB's anyway? They seem highly questionable.

It's been awhile since you've beaten a team that you weren't significantly more talented than. Hell, the three teams that you lost to last year had better or equal talent and two of those teams are back on the schedule this season. Why should I believe that Jim Tressel and his gorgeous family have figured shit out? You guys are like the playground bully. The Buckeyes have no problem stealing lunch money from the retards but when the retard's brother shows up, you piss your pants. Great analogy, G$.

Why the fuck is Ray Small still on this team? He can't even make grades now and apparently he is getting his grade changed to be eligible. This reeks of academic fraud, by the way. Small sucks ass. Why hasn't he just been sent home already?

And speaking of unproven wide receivers, who in the hell is going to be catching balls this year? I mean, it's not like Tressel will be throwing the ball more than 6 times this season, but who is going to haul them in? Parker Posey? Dane Weinerschnitzel? Bobby Olive? David Boston on roofies?

Now we get to Mr. Dickbag himself, Terrelle Pryor. EVERYONE is telling me how big and fast he is and that's fine and all that. But I've read that he still has the same awful throwing motion and he threw the ball like a young Tarvaris Jackson last year (definitely not a compliment). Sure, he's fast and incredibly athletic. I get it. He's talented. But he's going to have to throw the ball this year and he's going to have to throw it well. I guess that this isn't really a question about Pryor as much as it is me saying, "I'll believe it when I see it each and every week". Hating Dut is one thing, being a competent, winning QB is another. Remember, it took Vince Young three full years to be a dominant force.

So let me have it, OSU fans. And if you hate Ohio State like you should, feel free to throw some gas on this fire. GO NAVY!!!


No chance...that's what you got.

Oh man, I feel like I just took a ten pound (or Couric's) dump. It feels that good to be me right now.

I was already preparing myself for the worst. I had just assumed that the dipshit duo of Snyder and Cerrato would be backing up a Brinks truck full of pitbulls and pot to get Michael Vick to play for my beloved Redskins. I have spent the past month talking myself into Ron Mexico being a herpes-ridden Skin and how it was a good move for the organization. It was extremely difficult. After all, we already have a black QB that is nothing more than an average passer (so far).

Thankfully, though, Vick's agent (who may have the worst job on the planet) says that there is "no chance" that Mike stays near his home in DC to play for my once great organization.

It feels weird to say this, but---thanks Dan Snyder and Fetusface Cerrato. I haven't been this proud of them since they gave The Golden Arm of Todd Collins 9 million dollars last offseason. Ugh, I feel dirty just typing that.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hall of Fame? You BET Your Ass He's Not.

Obviously, I have been away for awhile but the world kept spinning while I was gone. One story that I wanted to comment on last week but held off was that of Pete Rose. Hank Aaron's confused ass said that Gamblor should be in The Hall. C. Montgomery Selig said that the case will be reviewed again. You know what? I'll make it really easy for everyone. That fucking lowlife scumbag will NEVER get into Cooperstown. Ever. Let me state my case*.

*I will state first that I only know of Pete Rose after his playing days were over. I was too young to remember him playing so take that for what it's worth.

First things first, trying to tie this situation in with the steroids guys is about as retarded as Sloth from The Goonies. These two quandries are completely unrelated. For some reason, steroids were not banned in baseball eventhough they are illegal in this country. I don't get it either. There are signs, and they have been hanging in clubhouses since the Black Sox scandal in 1919, stating that gambling on baseball is not allowed at all with punishment of a lifetime BAN. Period. At least there is somewhat of a gray area when it comes to PED's. Gambling is a black and white issue in baseball. If you do it, fuck you. You're done.

Anyway, when the hell did Pete Rose become such a sympathetic figure? Why are people going to bat for him now? What has changed? He is still a liar. He is still a guy that held onto these lies for almost two decades. He is still the guy that only told the truth once he was broke and wanted to sell a book. He is still the same loser that went to federal prison as a convicted felon. He is still the same guy with the weirdest haircut of all time. And he is still the guy that allowed himself to be photographed in a paisley Speedo. So, why now?

As far as his claims that he never bet against the Reds, I can believe that. I really can. He seems like one of those guys who was so into his team, that he would kill hookers after losses. Hell, this bag of vulvas laid out a catcher in an all-star game (total dick move, by the way). But here is where his logic is flawed. Rose has said that he didn't bet on every Reds game. essence, he may not have been betting on the Reds to win on certain days because he had more than just a feeling that they would lose that night. If he truly believed in his team, he would have bet on them every night. By not wagering on select nights, he's indirectly telling his bookie and close friends to bet against the Reds that night. See now?

Look, no one defends the baseball hall of fame more than I do. It's really freaking tough to get into as well it should be. The football and basketball halls are a fucking joke. They reward the "very good" and not just the elite as they should. Sure, Rose's numbers are more than deserving to be included into Cooperstown. But you know what? Fuck him. He broke the rules. He knew that he broke the rules (unless he can't read...which may be true). He knew that it came with a lifetime ban. He carried on his "innocence" lie for twenty years. He gained clairvoyance for more money. No. Fuck no. You're done. I don't feel sorry for him at all. You can sit in your Florida home for the rest of your life and think that this is not that big of a deal all you want. It was and it still is. You dug your grave now lie in it.

And for those of you that want to use the argument of "letting him into the Hall but keeping the ban on him from baseball", what exactly does that mean? Rose is getting old and what organization would bring in a liar, gambler, and convicted felon in to help shape young players? That is retarded. Be a man and make a fucking stand.

Basically, Pete Rose is a scumbag who is only beloved by a city chock full o' people that should be living in Kentucky. Stop bringing his name up. Stop worry about him. Pete Rose's name would be a bigger cancer in Cooperstown than melanoma in Jim Johnson's body(too soon?). Now go sell some more of your autographs on QVC, homo.