Thursday, December 31, 2009

Television Of The 2000's

Before we get going today on this lovely Ohio New Year's Eve, how about congratulations to this site as this post marks the ONE THOUSANDTH great post on this terrific blog. I never thought that I would get to 6 so this comes as a massive surprise to even me. You see, blogging is like football in that you never know when your next post is your last. We've still got the drive left to keep this sexy bitch running, but you never know when I will be typing and a Kevin Everett situation happens. Anywho, congrats to The Money Shot and all it's contributors. On with the show.

A decade ends this week. Whatever. I'm having a hard time coming to grips that that Y2K scare is ten years old now. Where has the time gone? Anyway, this week, we are doing what every other blog is doing and comprising a list of bests and worsts of the past ten years. Obviously, this is going to be just my opinion and I am giving way more answers than you probably care about. But nevertheless, it's time to put a pretty bow on this past decade with my favorite parts of it. Today...My Most Loved and Hated TV Shows Of The 2000's!!!

Honorable Mention: Modern Family, Breaking Bad, Scrubs, Prison Break, Weeds
10. Friday Night Lights - I would do every broad on this show. Even the dyke superintendent. Even Tim Riggins. Even the Taylor's weird looking alien baby. Everyone on this show is hot...including Buddy Garrity.
9. Sons Of Anarchy - Bad. Ass. The first episode of the series had Peggy Bundy blowing HellBoy. This can not be topped. Oh, and this past season was fucking amazing. Unless you have a problem with Nazi gang rape.
8. Curb Your Enthusiasm - There is no in-between, either you love it or hate it. If you hate it, you are too stupid to watch TV anyway.
7. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - I can't believe that I didn't start watching this until season 3. Biggest mistake of my life which has since been rectified.
6. The Sopranos - Some call it the greatest show ever. Eh, it was very good but the finale was horseshit and Janice always ruined the show.
5. 30 Rock - Best sitcom on TV. I like to think that Tracy Morgan behaves like Tracy Jordan on a daily basis. Has Alec Baldwin ever talked above a whisper?
4. Dexter - A serial killer who only kills bad people? Yes please. Deb needs to die though...soon. Shame on them for killing off Rita's sexy ass.
3. Mad Men - Love it. Don Draper is a pimp.
2. The Wire - If you have never seen this series, you really need to. It is a perfect biography about the streets of Baltimore. Sheeeeeeeeeeee-it.
1. The Shield - I had never seen anything like this on regular TV when it debuted. Fan-fucking-tastic. I can't stress this enough, The Shield fucking ruled.

Honorable Mention: That 70's Show, Two and a Half Unfunny Men, pretty much everything on CBS, Dirt
10. FlashForward - I watch this show now and I don't know why. It is fucking awful. The story makes no sense and there is no direction. The acting is horrendous.
9. 24 - I have watched every season of this show. I will watch this next season. That being said, it sucks. I think I watch it just to laugh at how stupid it is. HOW DOES JACK BAUER KEEP CHEATING DEATH!!!
8. Pirate Master - I think that I was the only one who watched this abortion of a reality show. CBS pooped out this turd a few summers ago in which contestants lived on a pirate ship and lived as pirates. "The Nigerian Nightmare" Christian Okoye was on it. It sucked.
7. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - I knew that this show was going to blow, but I didn't think that it would be that bad. But it did prove one thing: Brian Austin Green is still alive.
6. Frank TV - Frank Caliendo should be the next celebrity death.
5. 'Til Death - Brad Garrett...'nuff said.
4. The Daily Show - I absolutely will not apologize for this. Jon Stewart is not funny and he sucks balls.
3. Everybody Loves Raymond - Worst sitcom ever. Although calling it a comedy would be a stretch since there were never any jokes. Oh, look, the dad just said, "holy crap"! It wasn't funny the first time.
2. John From Cincinnati - This HBO horseshit show was fucking terrible. It went nowhere. Sure, putting Luke Perry, Ed O'Neill, and Mark-Paul Gosselar on screen at the same time sounds good, but it sucked. I'm a smart motherfucker but I had no fucking clue what was going on in this.
1. Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip - Everybody knows what a "hate fuck" is, right? Well, I "hate watched" the shit out of this show. Every single painful episode. It was supposed to be a drama about the behind the scenes inter-workings of a Saturday Night Live type show. It ended up being about Jesus. Seriously. They talked about religion in EVERY episode.

I would like to add that The Office really should be on the Hate list as it is a terrible show. When I hear people talking about that crap, they immediately become enemies of mine. Steve Carell is fucking awful. Whatever though. Enjoy your binge drinking tonight. When you all go home by yourselves, don't get so sloppy that you forget to play with yourself. After all, you do want to enter the year doing what you do best. See you all on Monday...GO OREGON!!!

Money Shot Bowl Mania Madness

(More like Master Bate)
Make no mistakes about it, the Bowl Season starts on Jan 1st. We have suffered through the first 69 shitty bowls because we knew that New Year's Day was coming. Most of us will not be conscious when the first game kicks off, but that's okay, it's just Northwestern and Auburn. But the big boys start at 1:00pm and you will definitely want to be awake, and hopefully still drunk, for that.

So before you go out for New Year's Eve, let me give you some advice. No means no. It doesn't matter how many Jagerbombs you buy this broad, if she doesn't want to kiss you to bring in the new year she certainly doesn't want your cock in her mouth...unless you've got some rufalin, then spike away. Same goes for you queers(commenters). It doesn't matter how many appletini's you buy the man of your dreams, he will insist that he is the catcher and refuse to pound you in the ass, sorry. Most importantly, you need to wake up at noon as drunk as you were when you fell asleep and keep the party going. Before you go out tonight, pour yourself a double shot of your favorite liquor(no pucker fags) and set it beside your bed. When you wake up in the morning you slam that thing, no questions asked, and then grab a cold one out of the fridge. Don't listen to your liver that is begging you for some water, water is for pussies. Do this, and 2010 will bring you great things.

Another big slate of games, let the fantastic predictions begin.
Is Auburn really favored by 8? The line started at -4.5. I like Northwestern in this one because they are smarter than people that go to Auburn. I think Northwestern wins. NW+8.

You would have to be high to take Penn State. Royster and some other scrub just announced that they are bouncing to the draft after the bowl game. They don't give a shit about this game. Penn State didn't even play a top 25 team this least not a team that deserved to be top 25. LSU+2.5.

This line opened at FSU-1, which is retarded. Everybody knows what kind of shit show Florida State is this year. Maybe they will actually let Bowden call a play when they are down 20 while coaching his last game. WVU-2.5.

I can't shake this feeling that the Fuckeyes are going to roll...oh wait, I just shook it. The Fuckeyes don't have a chance even if TP is wearing "nice jeans" and has a fully intact PCL. Oregon has had plenty of time to get their offense primed to explode in Pasadena and that is exactly what will happen. Oregon-4.5.

Brian Kelly is gone and he isn't looking back. Urban Meyer could have one fully functional ventricle and coach Florida to a 20 point win. The Tebowchild will go out in style. Florida-14.

Is Jim Leavitt still coaching there? Didn't he club some kid in the locker room? SFU has a ton of talent, that's obvious. But I'm rolling with the MAC here. NIU has played well against their tougher opponents this year and I think they can stick within 7 here. NIU+7.

SEC! SEC! The Big 12 blows. Okie State didn't beat a single decent team this year. Stomped by Texas, shut out by Oklahoma, and lost at home to Houston. Fucking terrible. At least Ole Miss beat LSU. Ole Miss-3.

Really? The fucking Papa Johns bowl? I fucking hate that man. He has the lamest commercials of all time and I could eat three Little Caesar's Hot-N-Ready's for the price of one Medium cheese pizza at his terrible establishment. But yeah, I'll take UConn. UConn+4.

In Skip Holtz I trust. Mallett is a piece of shit. ECU+8.

Dantonio's group of pedophiles, terrorists, and criminals will be no match for Leach's offensive brilliance...Shit. Now I actually have to pick Sparty. Sparty+8.

This spread is fucking enormous for a #6 vs #4 game. I've said all along that TCU was the second best team in the nation and I still believe that. I just hope TCU shows up feeling like they have something to prove and feeling like it will actually matter if they beat Boise. TCU's defense will shut down Boise's O with little problem, but I don't know if the offense will show up. I'm sticking with TCU still, but I'm not thrilled about it. TCU-7.5.

Boom goes the dynamite!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Athletes Of The 2000's

(None of us would have any fucking clue how to satisfy this. I wouldn't even want to try either. It would be too embarrassing.)

A decade ends this week. Whatever. I'm having a hard time coming to grips that that Y2K scare is ten years old now. Where has the time gone? Anyway, this week, we are doing what every other blog is doing and comprising a list of bests and worsts of the past ten years. Obviously, this is going to be just my opinion and I am giving way more answers than you probably care about. But nevertheless, it's time to put a pretty bow on this past decade with my favorite parts of it. Today...My Most Loved and Hated Athletes Of The 2000's!!!

10. Rick Nash - By far my favorite Canadian, hopefully the team will stay in Columbus for the duration of his career.
9. Tim Tebow - Some people would rather root for criminals as opposed to respecting a great athlete and an even better person. Plus, chicks with huge knobs like to take pictures with him.
8. Touchdown Travis Prentice - Best RB in the history of college football. Yeah, I said it.
7. Mariano Rivera - I don't think that we truly embrace how great he has been. He might be one of the 5-10 best pitchers in the history of baseball.
6. Tiger Woods - His sexcapades only make me love him more. Well, that and his awkward celebrations with his caddy.
5. Alex "Baseball Jesus" Rodriguez - If I were him, I would kiss myself in the mirror, too. And I do!
4. Sean "Meast" Taylor - I like to think that he is still destroying fools to this day. RIP 21.
3. Ben Roethlisberger - He made the Miami fucking RedHawks a top ten team and has won two Super Bowls already. Big Ben should be recognized as the best QB ever with those accolades.
2. Derek Jeter - I don't know how anyone can hate him. Do you realize how much amazing ass he has pummeled?
1. LeBron James - The best athlete on the planet. It's not even close. Bolt and Phelps ain't got shit on Our King.

10. Craig Krenzel - A fucking joke of a QB and an even worse sports talk contributor. And he took his molecular genetics degree (or whatever it was) and does real estate now. Fuck him.
9. Byron Leftwich - I don't want to talk about him owning my teams.
8. Dustin Pedroia/Kevin Youkilis - I lumped them together because they both suck equally and I assume that they fuck the shit out of each other. KY (that is no coincidence) is a Jew from Cincy...possible relation to Grumpy? I hope not or he's banned.
7. Antonio Gates - Most of you only know him as a TE but he was a fucking cock when he played hoops at Kent State. A real dickhead indeed.
6. Terrelle Pryor - He will be in prison by 2020. Is it a stereotype? Perhaps, but this kid is a loser and you all know it.
5. Tyler Hansbrough - What a fucking douche. No one has ever gotten away with more fouls than Sucko T.
4. Jonathan Papelbon - No one on this Earth is a less intimidating cockfart than this prick.
3. Kevin Garnett - A career loser who behaves like a spoiled child and likes to punch white teammates. Go ahead and look it up. He suckerpunches white players like it's no one's business.
2. Tony Romo - If you like him, you eat weiners. His stupid ass grin haunts my dreams.
1. Pedro Martinez/Curt Schilling - I couldn't separate these two either. I could write a book on my burning hate for these pussies. But I won't. Not yet. But I will. Probably not.

I was surprised at how difficult it was to comprise and slot this list. I could have went to 100 with the athletes that I hate. Hell, I could go to 100 with blog commenters that I hate (1. Seal). Anyway, we wrap things up tomorrow talking about one of my true passions...TV shows.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Movies Of The 2000's

A decade ends this week. Whatever. I'm having a hard time coming to grips that that Y2K scare is ten years old now. Where has the time gone? Anyway, this week, we are doing what every other blog is doing and comprising a list of bests and worsts of the past ten years. Obviously, this is going to be just my opinion and I am giving way more answers than you probably care about. But nevertheless, it's time to put a pretty bow on this past decade with my favorite parts of it. Today...My Most Loved and Hated Movies Of The 2000's!!!

10. Slumdog Millionaire - Don't let people tell you that it sucks because it is solid. Any movie with rape is OK by me.
9. Little Miss Sunshine - If you don't like this movie, you have no soul.
8. Mystic River - Sean Penn in his most badass form.
7. No Country For Old Men - Pretty much invented new ways to kill people.
6. The Patriot - I watch this movie, EVERY time it's on...probably because I like watching Heath Ledger die.
5. The Hangover - I want to believe that this movie will still be hilarious in 3-4 years.
4. The Departed
3. Gran Torino - Clint Eastwood was the fucking shit in this, zipperhead.
2. Cinderella Man - The Jim Braddock story is outstanding.
1. Tropic Thunder - I don't particularly care for anyone in this movie, but somehow this was my favorite flick of the past decade. Sgt. Lincoln Osiris and Les Grossman just kill me. I don't give a hobo's dickcheese if you disagree with this selection.

10. Poseidon - Kurt Russell should stick to going to baseball games with Pat Sajak.
9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Possibly the dumbest fucking movie ever made...even worse than The Cable Guy.
8. Nacho Libre - This was the beginning of the end for Jack Black.
7. Public Enemies - Don't see this. Johnny Depp and Batman Bale were horrendous.
6. National Treasure - You could put any Nic Cage movie in this slot.
5. Pearl Harbor - Ben Affleck as a war hero? No thanks.
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - I did not laugh once during this. Russell Brand is less funny than Jeff Dunham. Jason Segel's dick was a tad unnecessary.
3. Ocean's Twelve - They didn't even try on this one.
2. The DaVinci Code - The book was awful so I'm not sure why I expected the movie to good. I actually fell asleep in the theatre. Seriously.
1. Indiana Jones and the Alien Shittiness - This was the worst movie I have ever paid to see. I fucking hate you, George Lucas. Normally I would watch it again to make sure my first assessment was right, but I won't ever watch this turd again. Poor Dr. Jones.

The South Park episode where they showed George Lucas and Spielberg raping Indy was about as perfect as it gets. That movie was just awful. A part of me died that day. At least Lincoln Osiris still makes me laugh. He makes me feel like dangling my dice on Lance's forehead.


Money Shot Bowl Mania Madness

Well, this isn't going as well as I planned. Bowl season is usually a time to mop up, but apparently I have gotten dumber since last year--or since I have started contributing here. But most of you are at least equally retarded as I, or significantly more retarded, which shouldn't surprise anyone. My ass is still a little sore from the Clemson half point cover, but I must move on.

What does a vagina and Urban Meyer have in common? They both like cock inside them because they are fucking pussies. Step the fuck down or shut the fuck up. And if you do step down, feel free to come to Michigan when you return to coach...but be sure to pray about it and make your wife feel like she has some kind of say in what the fuck you do first.

We've got a big slate of games so let's get into it.

UCLA hasn't won a meaningful game since September 12th. Temple is in the MAC...I like the MAC. I was all set to take Temple until I saw OU get owned by a shitty Marshall team Saturday. The talent level in the MAC barely rivals the Special Olympics. UCLA has too much talent. UCLA-4.5.

Is Wisconsin in the Big Ten? Is the Big Ten terrible? Is Miami fucking sweet? In the words of the very wise Uncle Luke, "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE U! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE U!" Miami-3.5.

I haven't looked at anything about these two teams. I know Idaho was a covering machine early in the year but I'm not sure how the finished out. I will never, ever, bet on BG...unless it is a syphilis competition. Idaho+1.5.
The Big 12 sucks. Suh is a fucking monster, but he is already counting his millions and couldn't give two shits about this game. Nebraska has zero offense. Arizona PICK.
Houston has some real talent. They don't know the meaning of defense, but their offense is top notch. I see a shootout coming and Houston will be able to out last Air Force. The Air Force is for pussies, real men go to the Coast Guard. Houston-4.5.
This line came out at -7 and I was a little confused by it. Then the line jumps to -10 and I have no fucking clue what is going on. Here is what I know: Oklahoma's defense is great, Harbaugh doesn't really want to be in Stanford, and Oklahoma will not let Gerhart beat them. I rolling with the Sooners and giving a ridiculous amount of points. Harbaugh is a dick. Oklahoma-10.

I can't bet against Navy in a big game, especially when I am getting 6.5. Missouri isn't good. They didn't beat an actual D-1 team all year. Navy comes to play every game, 6.5 is too much. Navy+6.5.

I previously said that Wyoming was the worst team to ever participate in a bowl game. I would like to strike that comment from the record. Iowa State is the worst team to ever participate in a bowl game. Minnesota will win this game by 14+. Minny-2.5.

Lane Kiffin is a herpes wart on the taint of college football. I hate that faggot. I think it's hilarious that a school like Tennessee would actually hire him for absolutely no fucking reason. Va Tech is going to eviscerate them so bad that Seung-Hui Cho will blush in hell. VT-5.5.

I also promised you some standing, so here they are:
DUT 6 5
JEFF 6 5
ACE 5 6
DREW 4 7
TONY B 4 7
SEAL 4 7
J SAUL 3 8
G$ 2 9
KP 1 2

Don't ever believe anything G$ says about college football. And you sure as hell better not take any gambling advice from him. That is just embarrassing.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Teams Of The 2000's

A decade ends this week. Whatever. I'm having a hard time coming to grips that that Y2K scare is ten years old now. Where has the time gone? Anyway, this week, we are doing what every other blog is doing and comprising a list of bests and worsts of the past ten years. Obviously, this is going to be just my opinion and I am giving way more answers than you probably care about. But nevertheless, it's time to put a pretty bow on this past decade with my favorite parts of it. Today...My Most Loved and Hated Teams Of The 2000's!!!


10. 2004 Pistons - This sounds like sacrilege, but I liked this team AND they prevented Karl Malone from piggybacking a ring.
9. 2008-09 Blue Jackets - They helped me get into hockey and I'm glad that I did. Too bad that they are fucking horrendous this year.
8. 2001 Yankees - They didn't even win the title, but that team WAS America post-9/11.
7. The back-to-back Florida Gators - Strange that I loved Noah in college but now despise him unconditionally.
6. 2005 Redskins - Ah yes, the Mark Brunell Era. We beat Tampa on the road in the first round when 21 spit in Michael Pittman's face and got ejected. Fantastic.
5. 2006-07 RedHawks basketball - Doug Penno's buzzer-beating three to send us to the Dance was a moment I will never forget.
4. 2006-2007 Cavaliers - The Cavs may have been swept by a superior Spurs team, but the 48 point special that Bron put up on the Pistons in game 5 of the ECF was a performance for the ages.
3. 2009 Yankees - I didn't want to rate them too high just because it was the most recent title. But it was a special year.
2. 2007 Redskins - With the death of 21, they could have mailed it in. But the Skins rallied behind Joe Gibbs to win their final four games and make the playoffs. I have NEVER been more proud of a team.
1. 2003 RedHawks Football - This team was fucking awesome. In my opinion, this is the best non-BCS team ever. Yeah, that's right. I said it.

10. 2007 Red Sox - Josh Beckett is such a douche. So are the other 24 guys on the team.
9. 2007 Bears - Rex Grossman and Lovie Smith made the Super Bowl...nuff said.
8. 2008 Akron Zips - Just a team full of assholes.
7. 2007-08 Celtics - I hate KG. I hate Paul Pierce and his fake injuries. I hate Bill Simmons for liking these dicks.
6. 2007 Indians - This was the year that they were competitive. No one liked these frauds.
5. 2007 Ohio State Basketball - Represented everything wrong with college basketball. A bunch of one year mercenaries.
4. 2000-2002 Marshall Football - Byron Leftwich made my life as a fan a living hell.
3. 2000-2009 Dallas Cowboys - They have not been good but deserved to be on this list.
2. 2002 Ohio State Football - The team that proved that it's cool to pay off the referees. It also made anOSU fans the most hated in the country.
1. 2004 Red Sox - Fucking assholes.

Well, there was that. Feel free to post some of your favorite memories of teams from this decade in the comments. I'm sure you Ohio State assholes won't let my slandering go.

The Worst Of Week Sixteen Vol.III

An abbreviated version today because I am lazy. Hey, at least I'm honest. The wife has been sick all weekend and I've been playing the role of "world's worst nurse/homemaker". Seriously, I had to take all the Christmas shit down. That fucking sucked. Time for my tangent...

Tony Dungy was a pussy of a head coach. He really was. If the NFL didn't fix it so that the Colts got to play Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl, we would not be talking about Wade Phillips and Tony Romo. Because Tony and Pey Pey would be the biggest losers on the planet. But they "won" despite Dungy so now we just point and laugh at Dallas. The moral of the story is that Dungy's end of the year strategy is for pussies. Resting players? You already get a Goddamn bye week. These are fucking football players! They aren't made out of glass. This philosophy of coaching is retarded.

Jim Caldwell is also a retard. And the biggest and blackest pussy that I've ever seen. You are 14-0. You have a chance at fucking history. This does not happen often. The only other team to accomplish this is a collection of insufferable fucktards who you just allowed to celebrate at your expense. WIN THE FUCKING GAMES. You can't prevent all injuries from happening. They are going to take place. But what will DEFINITELY happen is the Colts collecting a shitload of rust. And I will never understand why they are the only people who don't get this. When none of them play much next week, that will be 3 whole weeks without playing a real, meaningful game.

THIS PRACTICE DOES NOT WORK. IT IS A PROVEN FACT. YOUR LOSER-ASS, SELF-RIGHTEOUS, HORRIBLE-FATHER OF A FORMER BOSS HAS PROVEN THIS TIME AND TIME AGAIN. Pey Pey has every right to be furious. He knows that he is now the captain of a sinking ship. It's going down and he knows it. He's seen it happen before.

Mark my words...the Colts are done. Book Norv Turner for the Super Bowl now. They are the better team anyway.

Other shitty players: Charlie Frye, my boy Vince Young, Shat Hasselbeck, The New York Giants were fucking awful, and throw in a little Drew Stanton (worse than commenter Drew).

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Jolly Old St. Prick

It's better late than never I suppose but it's time for this site to give out gifts to it's faithful commenters. Notice that I said commenters. Last year, we were blessed by the presence of "Santa Blogs". This year, he couldn't make it so he sent his evil twin, St. Prick, instead. He is not as gracious as you will see.

If you weren't included in the giveaway, feel free to poop in your hand and consider that your present. I'm putting this together hastily and I don't have time (or desire) to determine which commenters get a "present" from St. Prick this year. On to the gifts:

To The Wig Master - You seem like a guy who would get great joy out of Richie Sambora's double guitar. Which is why you get Kip Winger's underwear.

To Damman - A loss this week in the G$FL playoffs is in store for you. It better fucking be. I will also hook you up with the "Best of Eric Wedge Press Conferences" DVD.

To Grumpy - You've been quite the salty dog in the comments recently so I'm just going to kick you in the nuts with a square-toed kicking shoe.

To Tony B - Last year you asked for a 1989 Jerome Walton jersey. Instead, you will get a 1989 Dwight Smith jersey smeared with feces.

To Drew - I want to give you a time machine so that you can go back to this event and live out all of your pre-teen homoerotic fantasies by banging the bejeezus out of Zeke and Laimbeer.

To Beanie - A bottle of Shaq's sweat seems fitting for the few times in which you do not smell like black man-love.

To Li'l Strut - How about a weekend trip to Maurice Clarett's jail cell with conjugal privileges? Maybe that will teach you something about integrity and make you a Tebow fan.

To Jeff - I am going to give you the writing ability to actually make a post on "The Original Grogsta". You still owe me ten bucks from the USC game, too, queer. St. Prick wants his money.

To Pietsch - I'm buying you a house. Well, it's more like a tent. Well, it's more like Carlos Silva's pants. But at least you can fit 40 people under it.

To Seal - I'm just going to give your UK basketball team it's NCAA sanctions for recruiting violations now as opposed to waiting four years. No need to wait. Just get them over with and we can all move on. I was also going to give you some time alone with Ashley Judd but Cletus T. Judd is probably more up your alley anyway.

To Dut - Last year, you asked for an inappropriate e-mail from Phil Savage. So I will honor your request by giving you a dinner date with "Female Steelers Blob". Sex is mandatory. Take or receive, whichever you prefer. Probably receive. Be careful, she looks like a chewer.

To Mr. Ace - I saved the best for last. Since you have helped me run the site over the past 6+ months, I want to give you something that means a lot to me. You will receive my "game worn" sweatpants that I wear almost everyday and wash about once a month. There are food stains on them. The crotch is wearing thin. There might even be some traces of poo and piss weaved into the fabric. They would go great with your ridiculous Manu Ginobili jersey. They mean the world to me. But I want you to have them. You've earned it. And I'm not going to pay you anyway.

As for me, I only want one thing and the sad thing is that I don't have a clue if I'm going to get it. But I won't know if I get it until July. I just want LeBron to stay in Cleveland. That's it.

Seriously though, I hope that all of you have a happy holiday and we will be back Monday with the first installment of the decade retrospectus. Don't forget to get your bowl picks in below.

Money Shot Bowl Mania Madness

Well, at least we may have unearthed a new gambling strategy...if over 80% of The Money Shot commentariat is on a pick together, put your money on the other team. Fresno and OSU getting trounced is mind-bottling(I know!). But it's Christmas Eve and there is a dead baby to celebrate...or be merry.

It's Christmas Eve so I will make my picks short and sweet. It's not like I know what the fuck I am talking about anyways.

Didn't Marshall just can their coach after going 6-6? I don't even think this is close. Ohio is the lock of the weekend...which means you should place your money on Marshall. OHIO +3.

Pitt has nothing to play for and they blew their load against Cincy. UNC+2.5.

This Joel McReggie Bush thing is exactly the motivation that Carroll needs to rally the troops in So Cal. BC is just terrible. USC-7.5.

Remember when the two teams playing in the ACC championship game got rolled in their final regular season games? Remember what conference the teams were from that rolled said ACC schools? SEC! SEC! SEC! Kentucky+7.5.

This line started out at UGA -4. Meaning that by the time this game kicks off Vegas will be begging people to take TAMU at +9 or 10. TAMU is a bad football team. UGA-7.

There you have it folks.

Have a Merry Chanukah! Super Kwanzaa! Happy Christmas!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The 2009 Money Shot Man Of The Year

All next week, I am doing sort of a decade retrospectus. If what is going through my mind right now can actually translate to the keyboard, it should be pretty solid. If not, who gives a's the week between Christmas and New Year's anyway.

That being said, 2009 was an extremely awesome year. It was so great that I decided to copy and give out my own unimportant and retarded award. They gave their Sportsman of the Year award to Derek Jeter. And while I applaud Derek for his winning ways and his vaginal destruction of Lyla Garrity, he was not considered for the award of The Money Shot's Man of the Year.

Basically, the guidelines are as follows:
-do something crazy
-do something awesome
-do something that has never been done before
-defy the odds
-cheat on your wife with at least a dozen women

The finalists were:
*Chris Johnson, RB, Titans - He is the best player in football. Period. Quarterbacks don't count as players because you can't hit them. There is no one more fun to watch than CJ.

*Tiger Woods, golfer, fornicator - 'Nuff said. I do applaud him for one reason: all of these skanks say that he was amazing in the sack. Well done, sir.

*Roberto Alomar, 2B, potential HOF, has AIDS - I still think that this is the most insane story of the year. I hope he doesn't spit in my mouth after not giving him the award.

*Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees, Baseball Jesus - Dude, that was one hell of a year. It starts out horribly with his steroids secret coming out, he obliterates Kate Hudson's ass, and then becomes a World Champion in impressive fashion. I don't care what you say, this was a feel good story.

*Rick Pitino, coach, Louisville, pro-choice - What a story. It featured restaurant fucking, extortion, AND abortions. If you are going to ruin your credibility and reputation, this is the way to go.

*Michael David Barrett, pervert, man of action - Hey, I didn't have the balls to film Erin Andrews naked when she was in Columbus, but Barrett did. Sure, he's going to get raped in prison, but the memories of that video will always make my dong smile. Those little mini-squats than Erin did...amazing.

AND THE WINNER...of the 2009 Money Shot Man of the Year Award is...

Oh come on. Like there was even another option. It wasn't even close. The Situation owns America right now and I don't see this freight train of guidosity ever stopping. How could you hate a guy who refers to ugly chicks as "grenades"? If NBC ever admits that giving Leno the 10 pm hour was a massive mistake, The Situation could step right in and dominate the late night talk scene. He deserves to have his own show. HE'S THE SITUATION!!!

Congratulations, The Situation, on being named the 2009 Money Shot Man of the Year. And may 2010 be as badass as 2009 was. It's going to be tough to beat this year though.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Money Shot Bowl Mania Madness


Holy fuck did those first two games suck, at least for me. I still stand by my Fresno pick. Wyoming is the worst team in the history of college football to make a bowl game and win one. But seriously, who is this Carta-Samuels cat and why is he playing lights out as a true freshman for fucking Wyoming? Ridiculous. But, if Fresno's all world running back, who now thinks he is good enough to make it in the NFL, could hold on to the fucking bowl then Fresno wins by at least 11 and I can salvage a push. Fuck. As for UCF, I just out-thought myself. Rutgers looked obvious at first...bowl streak, coach, talent. But then I had to actually look at shit and convince myself to take the points and put my money on a fifth year senior QB to outplay a true freshman. FAIL. At least MTSU came through for me.

I went against my instincts in the Rutgers game and that is going to right this ship. Bowl games come down to coaching above anything else. Second, it comes down to how much a team wants to be there/has to prove. These will be the things that make my picks for me from now on. Let's go bowlin', bitch.

Okay, there is one more thing that will decide my picks: Never, ever, bet on Mormons. Polygamy is awesome, but not when you are banging your cousins. Oregon State, the real OSU, is legit. There only marginally bad loss was at home against Arizona. Every single game they play tough, especially in the big games. BYU has beaten Utah. Nothing good comes from Utah. NOTHING! Brigham Young may have had 55 wives, but he was a pedophile and murderer. Pedophiles and murderers don't win bowl games. OSU-2.5.

Sticking with a theme here today, nothing good comes from Utah. NOTHING! I love the big man, Asiata, but nothing else about that team gives me the slightest boner. Cal's coach on the other batter explosion! Cal has been good to very good under Tedford. He has only lost one bowl game as Cal coach and has won four straight. The winning continues and 3.5 points isn't enough to scare me away. Cal-3.5.

UPSET ALERT! Where is this game being played? Who is SMU's coach? June fucking Jones. June Jones owns Hawaii. Nevada blew their load in their last game of the regular season, a loss at Boise. SMU wins. June Jones gives a double barreled middle finger salute to the Rainbow Warriors. SMU +14.

Winner winner, chicken dinner. Take this card down to Teddy KGB and throw down 10 large on each, you won't regret it...and if you do, you don't really need knee caps anyways.

I will be back Thursday with the weekend slate. And I will update everybody on where they are sitting in The Money Shot Challenge rankings on Tuesday.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Oh Boy...

Do you remember that one boxer back in the 90's who was a complete wreck during a fight? He wouldn't defend himself. He cried in between rounds. The fight had to be stopped because it appeared that the boxer was asking to be killed. I thought that it was Riddick Bowe but extensive google searches determined that not true. Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's not even the two minute warning in the first half yet and I'm done. This might be the biggest mismatch of all time. OH! Jason Campbell just got killed again and appears to be hurt. Wonderful. I've been watching football for a long time now and this could be the most dominating half I've ever seen. Holy shit. Santana Moss just caught a 46 yard pass and spun the ball eventhough we are down 24 points and barely have positive yardage. You know, I can't help but laugh. What the hell did Bruce Allen just agree to?


I blame Dan Snyder's yellow sweatervest. We will still beat Dallas on Sunday. I don't fucking know how, but it's going to happen, dammit. Again, I blame Dan Snyder's yellow sweatervest.

On a positive note, now that Mike Holmgren has become the new dictator for the Browns, Eric Mangini is probably gone (much to the dismay of Jim Brown who, for some reason, people still interview sometimes). Mort said tonight that possible candidates if the job does come open are Leslie Frazier (who?) and the great Marty Morninwheg!!! But that's a bunch of shit. Holmgren is going to go with a guy that he knows. The Browns next coach will be none other than...

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.III

(Ocho, if you want to connect spiritually with Chris Henry, Heaven is the last place that you would find him.)

No small story this week. You don't want to hear about my family Christmas yesterday anyway. Let's just say that the topic of colonoscopies was brought up by my father which lasted for a solid 5 minutes. It was pure Hell. No, I need to get something off of my chest.

What the bloody fuck were you thinking, Mike Tomlin!!! An onside kick late in the 4th quarter when you have the lead? This was an even dumber move than Belichick going for it in Indy. This...was...retarded. What even made Tomlin think that they would recover it? His special teams are widely considered to be the worst in the history of the Special Olympics, yet he thought that NOW would have been a great time to execute an extremely high risk play? That was just stupid. Fortunately, he has a stud QB that he can fall back on who just so happened to burn the #1 defense in the league for over 500 yards. That was a great game which somehow was not ruined by Tomlin's fucktardery. But Big Ben can't save everyone. Oh no. Here are the biggest offenders of the weekend:

5. Matt Hasselbeck - No one really ever talks about the Seahawks and there is a good reason. They are terrible. For some bizarre reason, the RedZone channel kept showing plays from the Hawks/Bucs game yesterday. It was fucked up. In fact, they show Seahawks games every week. It is the only true drawback of the channel. I'm telling you, Hasselbeck is fucking done. He isn't even serviceable anymore. He is a pick-throwing corpse. If you were wondering why Mike Holmgren would rather work for the Browns than the Seahawks, it's because Seattle is completely fucked and will be for awhile. Seriously. They lost at home to TAMPA BAY BY THREE SCORES.

4. Brian Dawkins and the rest of the Broncos D - There is a reason why I am done gambling. Charlie Frye. Starting for the Raiders. In Denver. Yet somehow that fucking team wins. Unbelievable. And when Frye got hurt, Chocolate Thunder came in and finished off his 3rd fourth quarter comeback in his career. Did you realize that Russell had done that even once? Now he has a hat trick. May God have mercy on us all. I was watching Sportscenter on Tuesday night this week and one of the anchors said, "This just in: The Raiders have signed JP Losman". This is not breaking news. This barely qualifies as news. Yet JP got a snap yesterday and it was just as awful as I remembered. Oh, and file this away, gamblers. Whenever you see that Gus Johnson is calling a game, that game will always be decided by a field goal or less...GUARANTEED.

3. The Chicago Bears - Speaking of franchise's that need an enema! They needed cleansed last year but instead they packed in more poop by signing Pace and trading for Sulky Joe Interception. They aren't even competitive anymore. The Bears have clearly quit on Lovie (who should be getting his mercy firing this week). They are unwatchable and have been almost all season. The topic of Cutler's shittiness came up at Xmas. My dad blames a lack of credible WR's. I say that it doesn't matter because Cutler is stupid and prefers throwing to cornerbacks...which makes Hester the best possible WR for him to have. Either way, well done, Redskins, for not bringing this loser in last year. Jay Cutler is a turd sandwich. And I would know, too. That is what I'm bringing to The Money Shot's Christmas Party this year.

2. Todd Haley - What in the hell is going on with the Browns and their penchant for playing exciting games? You would think that the Chiefs and Browns wouldn't even get a tv crew to show up, but there they are, being all entertaining and whatnot. Now, no one denies that Todd Haley looks like the biggest asshole in the world. He screams constantly and generally behaves like a jackass. You can get away with that when you are smart. Continuously kicking the ball deep to Josh Cribbs and not making Homo Quinn beat you, is about as dumb as it gets. Cribbs is the ONLY weapon that the Browns have. Kicking the ball out of bounds and letting them start at the 40 is a better option. The QB had 4 more passing yards than some guy on the Chiefs named "Cottam" had receiving yards! Why are you letting the guy that I keep calling James Harrison run for 600 yards??? By far, that was the worst non-Tomlin coaching job of the day.

1. Drew Brees - Damn. This was supposed to be the team. These were supposed to be the guy's that made Mercury Morris kill himself. Nobody wants to see the Colts go undefeated. It is my belief that everyone secretly hates the Colts because we are all jealous of them. And that is why I want them to crash and burn. Anyway, the Saints were just horrendous. 17 points at home? Brees was awful. His receivers were dropping everything. Reggie Bush strained his cunt. It was just a real shit show. And don't even get me started on that defense. Seriously, someone needs to kill Marion Barber. That's right. I said it. Kill him. He acts like, well, he acts like Todd Haley. I guess my real gripe here is that the Cowboys actually played well in December. I love stereotypes and them sucking this month is always one of my favorites. I will never forgive the Saints for making Tony Romo look like a decent QB. Inexcusable. But this is what the Cowboys do. They will follow this mega-win up with a loss to an uber-shitty Redskins team next Sunday night. Mark it down. Book that fucker. These are the Cowboys and this is what they do.

Skins on Monday Night tonight...fuck yeah. I am asking that the Redskins lose tonight on purpose. Sure, I will be OK with a win, but if the Redskins need to lose to keep the Giants alive and thus could keep Dallas out of the postseason, I would be down with that. My hatred for Jerry Jones runs deep.

But a Mike Shanahan team rolls over for NO ONE. Graham Gano wins it at the gun...20-17.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Money Shot Bowl Mania Madness

If there is one thing anybody that knows me would say about me, other than that I'm a total dick, it would be that I'm a man of the people. Even more so, I am a man of The Money Shot Maniacs. I love all of you commenters equally, even when you say asinine things and have absolutely no fucking clue what you are talking about, I love you. So I bring to you the greatest challenge in Money Shot history.

This isn't one of those pussy ass pick the winner and pick the strength of your pick challenge's. This is a mans challenge. And men pick with the spread, and that's exactly what we are going to do. So let me give you a little rundown of how this whole thing is going to go.
  • This is for the commenters. If you have ever commented on here or read this posts from this lovely space everyday, this is for you.
  • On Tuesdays, I will be making a post for every game that takes place during the week, Tuesday-Thursday.
  • On Fridays, I will be making a post for every game that takes place over the weekend, Friday-Monday.
  • In each post I will do a small write-up about each game and give the point spread for each game.
  • I will also be giving my pick for each game. I plan on picking all 97 bowl games correctly so feel free to just copy my picks.
The last part all comes down to you clowns. We want every commenter to give their picks for each game in the post. You all liked to rip my gambling picks earlier in the year, well now it's your turn to give your terrible advice as well. Picks must be made before kickoff. I will be keeping track of all the picks. There will be a prize for the winner. I don't know what it will be, but I'm thinking something like a large purple dildo or a pair of She$'s panties. So let's get this thing started.

New Mexico Bowl- Fresno St. vs Wyoming- Fresno St. -11.
This looks like it could be one of the best games of the bowl season. Each of these teams come in with a lot of fire power and strong resume's. I'm kidding, this might be the lamest bowl ever. Wyoming is actually a Division 2 school, I'm not really sure how that into this bowl. As I look down Fresno's schedule this year, I really only see one bad game for them, a 52-14 loss at Nevada. Other than that, their record looks pretty good. Fresno will roll. I'll give the points. Fresno St. -11.

St. Petersburg Bowl- UCF vs Rutgers- Rutgers -3.
The wrong team is favored here. You can't lose to fucking Syracuse and be favored in a bowl game. Duke's PG put up 31 points against Rutgers. That's fucking embarrassing. It is hard to go against Schiano's track record in bowl games though, he has won his last three bowl games. I still like UCF in this one. George O'Leary is a solid coach. UCF is playing this game just 100 miles from their campus. UCF has a fifth year senior at QB who will be playing his last game. UCF wins. UCF +3.

New Orleans Bowl- Middle Tennessee State vs Southern Miss- Southern Miss-3.5.
You know your school sucks when it is a directional school. You know your school truly sucks taint when it is a directional school and the directions is middle. However, I'm rolling with MTSU in this one. Tony Franklin brought in his offense after being canned at Auburn and it is working. Southern Miss has an in experienced QB and MTSU can get pressure on the QB. This one should be entertaining, definitely be a shoot out. MTSU +3.5.

Now the rest is up to you queers. Make your pick for these three games in the comments.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

She Wants My Big 'Uns

By now, the world has learned that G$'s team, Big 'Uns, failed to qualify for the postseason in the G$FL. I'm not really sure what went wrong as I had the third highest scoring team in the league yet finished 6-7-1. I guess it was just one of those years. Apparently, I just play rotten "defense" when it comes to fantasy football. In that aspect, I am like the Phoenix Suns. I'll put up points like a motherfucker, but in the end, I can't stop you. Could I piss and moan about Peyton Manning throwing TWO 1-yard TD passes this past week in my elimination game or that the Skins tackled Zack Miller at the one fucking inch line? Sure, I could, but listening to people gripe about their imaginary teams is pointless. Fuck it, if I didn't, I wouldn't have a post today.

So many people let me down this season. I should just trade my first round pick every year because I never draft anyone good. Take this year for example. I debated between taking Brady or Brees at 5. Guess which one I picked? If I take Brees like any normal person would have done, I likely have a bye. I followed that up with a lovely 2nd round pick of Brian Westbrook. I will never draft this black Merril Hoge again. I made up for that with some saavy mid-round pick-ups of Cedric Benson and Ricky Williams. Ced was great in the first 8 weeks but killed me when I needed him most. Damn me for thinking that he was solid. The thing that is weighing most on my conscience right now is my defense. I lost this past week by 7 points. I chose to pick-up the Cardinals defense because they played on MNF (I like having at least one guy playing the last game of the week). My other option was the Titans. Had I known that Keith fucking Null was starting for the Rams, I would have chosen Tennessee in a heartbeat. They would have put me in the playoffs.

Needless to say, I just didn't make very good decisions this season which is why I'm already preparing for next season. But don't think that I just talk fantasy football here on the intertubes. Oh no. I take it home with me as well. I bore the shit out of She$ with random nonsense about matchups and yardage and other shit. While I was lamenting my G$FL season being over at the dinner table on Tuesday, this conversation took place (as close to word-for-word as I can remember at least):

She$: How about year I will give you a list of players to take and you pick from that.
G$: (laughing hysterically) Absolutely not.
She$: Why not? Aren't you always terrible in your league anyway?
G$: How dare you! (still laughing uncontrollably) I've got a title and a runner-up in the past 5 years!
She$: Well, I think you should let me help.
G$: No. But, (still laughing) how would you propose that this would happen...which it will not.
She$: I'll give you a list and you should pick 6 guys off of it.
She$: Well how many roster spots are there?
G$: 18! You aren't picking a third of my roster. You aren't picking 1/18th of my roster!
She$: Why not? I think that this is a good idea. We are partners after all.
G$: We are partners in many things, I agree. But we will absolutely NEVER be fantasy football partners. I'm interested though. What players would you put on your "list" that you would want on my team other than Hines Ward?
She$: Donald Driver.
G$: (shocked that she knows who this is) He's fucking old as shit!
She$: That Crabtree guy then.
G$: OK, he's a decent player.
She$: And that guy for the Titans with the long hair.
G$: You mean Chris Johnson.
She$: Yes. Get him.
G$: You mean the guy who will probably be the first or second pick in every fantasy draft next year? You want me to get him. I would take him #1 overall if I had the pick. Good call there. I SHOULD take the best RB in the game.
She$: I'm just saying, you should take him.
G$: How about this. I will do the dishes tonight if you refuse to ever bring up this conversation ever again.

This wasn't even a fake interview, people. My wife seriously wants to be a secret partner of mine. These are the kinds of things that happen when you get married. You find out that your wife has a weird infatuation with a smiling "Blietnamese" guy who likes to play dirty and she expects to run part of your fantasy team. This is awful.

Make sure you stop in tomorrow as Mr. Ace is unveiling his bowl previews/contest. Sounds like a good idea and that's saying a lot because I hate all of his ideas.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Kenny Williams Thinks It's 2003

I really don't want to spend days talking about baseball trades and signings in December, but damn, there has been too much shit going down this week to ignore. When you've got Cy Young winners changing addresses and the beginning of a new superpower out West, it must be discussed.

First things first, what in the Hell are the White Sox doing? Kenny Williams' moves this offseason have been extremely mind-boggling. Is he trying to get fired? Does he even scout? Has he not bought a calendar over the past half decade? First, it was the insane pick-up of the overrated and grossly overcompensated Alex Rios. Then, he traded for Mark Teahen who the Royals have been trying to unload for 2 years. Next, he signs dinosaurs like Omar Vizquel and Andruw Jones. He follows that up by actually paying JJ Putz. The same Putz that the awful Mets bullpen did not want to bring back. And yesterday, he trades for Juan Pierre. The same Juan Pierre who is a one-tool player these days. These are just horrendous acquisitions. I would not be surprised if the White Sox lost 100 games this season. If he really wants Ozzie Guillen gone, just fire him. There is no reason to humiliate him this season and make Ozzie kill some poor reporter after his team starts out 0-20.

John Lackey signed with the Red Sox for AJ Burnett money. I have to admit, that is a solid move for them. Lackey is a big game pitcher and might be the best #3 starter ever. But, he has a history of arm troubles and is uglier than sin...I wish him the worst. Fortunately, the Red Sox have no idea what they are doing when it comes to position players. Giving 30 million to Marco Scutaro and Mike Cameron? These guys are terrible. Has Cameron ever hit over .250? And let's not forget that he's a steroid guy. A steroid guy that couldn't even hit when he was on the juice.

And of course, we have to mention the big dog trade. Basically, the Phillies obliterated their farm system for Roy Halladay and Ben Francisco. Wow. Initially, I thought that this trade was stupid for them until I heard that Roy was cool with a 3 year/60 mill extension. Damn, that is a fucking great deal for a stud-ass pitcher. The Phillies sent Cliff Lee to Seattle. It is being reported that Lee wants CC/Johan money. Good luck, buddy, because you aren't a 140 million dollar pitcher. That money goes to strikeout pitchers. Guys that pitch to contact don't get nine figure deals (see Derek Lowe). I don't quite understand why the Phils dealt Lee though. He only makes 9 million this year. Keeping him with the addition of Halladay would have been an easy championship. So what if he leaves in the offseason? You would get two first round picks back. I think that Philly dropped the ball here. To have Roy and Cliff on the same team this year would have cost them a combined 24 million. How can you pass that up? For God's sake, they would sell out every fucking game!

What really bothers me is the Seattle Mariners. These guys are trying to buy a championship! It seems like every year they just buy all the best players. It's not FAIR!!! This is what is normally said about the Yankees. I respect the M's for going for it though. With everyone seemingly going cheap, Seattle said fuck it. They go out and get Chone Figgins to hit behind Ichiro and form arguably the best 1-2 in baseball. They trade for Cliff Lee to pitch behind King Felix to form arguably the best 1-2 on the hill. They are in the running for Jason Bay still. This is good stuff. This is how you build a championship team. You can't be afraid to spend money or deal prospects. No one fucking wins with prospects anyway. The whole point of having prospects is to deal them to some other loser team to get their studs. Winners don't have time to wait for kids to figure it out. Well done, Seattle.

Hideki Matsui goes to Anaheim. Whatever. That will surely make up for losing Lackey and Figgins.

As far as the Yankees go, they seem content and I like that. I would really like to see them sign Ben Sheets to an incentive-laden deal. That guy is a beast when he is healthy. If he gets hurt, well we did bring back the great Chad Gaudin. The Jason Bay rumors need to stop though. I don't want any part of him for the kind of money that it will take.

And finally, the Indians signed Jason Grilli last week. Order those World Series tickets now!!! The Cubs are apparently pleased with their underachieving squadron. And how can you argue with those results. My team is still the WORLD CHAMPION which makes me better than you.

A Loser Just Like Dad

Ohio State wide receiver Duron Carter and defensive end Rob Rose are ineligible to play in the Rose Bowl presented by Citi against No. 7 Oregon, a source tells

Hey dipshits, it can't be hard to be a college football player at a bigtime college football school. You take the most basic, remedial classes, do not declare a major outside of communications, and just show up. The rest takes care of itself.

I do enjoy the fact that Duron is taking after his asshole dad by causing trouble and letting people down at anOSU. I wonder if Cris the Druggy called up his illiterate son today and screamed, "COME ON, MAN" into the phone?

Ah yes, it wouldn't be the pre-bowl season if Tressel wasn't suspending a few criminals from his Mean Machine of a team. I take that back. Tress let Nate Williams play last year eventhough he got arrested for shoplifting. Good job, academians, for catching this and ruling them ineligible. Because your coach would likely have done nothing. Oh, I almost forgot...


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tiger Talks! Tiger Woods First Interview...uh, ACEterview

Let me start this off with a joke Lil Strut told me while at the Stube Saturday night...What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa Claus usually stops at three Ho's! BaZING! Please question Lil Strut's manhood and/or sexuality next time you see him. Now to the ACEterview you have all been waiting for...

ME: Well hello there Eldrick, glad you could take some time to sit down for an interview. I would shake your hand but I didn't bathe in paint thinner today.
Tiger Woods: Ace, I assure you, you have nothing to worry about. My hands are clean.
ME: Too bad you can't say the same thing about your dick, eh? I'm just kidding. Alright, I'll shake your hand. I'm the one with my own gametes all over my hand anyways. Speaking of my gametes, how's your wife?
TW: Just fine, she is in the bathroom. She will be in here in a sec.
ME: Eldrick, are you fucking retarded? You know the kinds of interviews I do, right? My interviews will make the Tiger porn parody look like The Lion King.
TW: Ace, it's alright. I have told her everything...she can't speak English! She is like a trained fuck monkey. Sure, she can say some things, but she can't actually think for herself. And Ace, you can call me Tiger.
ME: I think I will call you Eldrick. And I think I will call your wife Swedish Tits. I have never heard of a trained fuck monkey...but it sounds dangerous...and exhilarating all at the same time.
TW: How dare you disrespect my wife like that! She is the mother of my children.
ME: Are you high? Judging by where your dick has been she probably has herpes from 12 different vagina's inside her.
TW: I'm just joking. I'll make sure she takes her shirt off before she sits down.

(Elin walks in the door)
TW: Sweetie, take shirt off now.
(Shirt comes off)
ME: Sweet Swedish Milkjugs...I wouldn't leave home if I were you.
TW: You would if you wanted a porn stars tongue in your ass.
ME: Yeah...wait, what?
TW: You would if you wanted some reality show skank to call up an entire cast of sluts.
ME: Maybe, but-
TW: And have all of them stick their tongue's in your ass.
ME: Okay, but-
TW: Or have them squirt tabasco sauce in your ass.
ME: Dude, what the-
TW: And then have them stick their tongue's in your ass.
ME: Stop it, dammit. I can't stare at your wife's tits and have thoughts of tongues in your ass keep fucking it up.

ME: Speaking of your wife, can you have her do some jumping jacks or something? It seems like a waste to just have her sitting here doing nothing.
TW: Sure. Elin, get those things bouncin'.
ME: Eldrick, tell me a story. The greatest story you can possibly think of.
TW: Alright...are you ready for this?
ME: You know damn well I am. As long as it has nothing to do with your ass.

TW: Right before this past U.S. Open I get a call from Mickelson balling his eyes out talking about his wife. Just screaming at the top of his lungs about how a boobless woman can't really be a woman. He said he needed a guys night to get his mind right...which means he wanted big titted hookers and some cheap whiskey. And, of course, he knew I was the go-to guy for his needs.
ME: I thought you hated him.
TW: Oh no, I love Lefty. Where do you think I got my insatiable appetite for pussy from?
ME: Mickelson gave you an insatiable appetite for pussy?That's weird .
TW: You know what I mean. Stop interrupting. So I got the boys around and got some ladies for entertainment. Even Jesper's queer ass was there with his head buried in some 15 year olds snatch. But I saved the hottest young lady just for Lefty...huge knockers, blond hair, no personality, and a speech impediment.
ME: Where do you find these girls?
TW: Usually on the playground. Gotta get them early.
ME: I thought Drew was the only one...
TW: So I send Lefty into the room where his girl is waiting and everything seems to be going fine. Five minutes later the girl is screaming, or mumbling really loud, and Lefty emerges from the room with slime all over his hands and a look on his face that you might have if you just found a strap-on in your parents room. So I walk into the room and there the girl lays, tied to the bed. I get a little closer and I see that her enormous double D's have turned into B's and this broad is covered in silicone.
ME: Jesus Christ.
TW: Apparently Lefty got his hands on those sweater puppies and squeezed them like Florida oranges.
ME: So what did you do? What did she tell her doctor when she showed up with busted boobs?
TW: Hell if I know. I finished the job the Lefty started and stuck it to her. For all I know she died on that bed. At least I hope she did...I didn't pull out.
ME: And people say you're not a good role model...
TW: Wouldn't have been the first woman I had to punch a woman in the stomach if you know what I mean.
ME: No, what do you mean Eldrick?
TW: I mean I have scrambled so many baby brains that the anti abortion nutjobs should be bombing my house as we speak.
ME: Why wouldn't anybody want to sponsor you? I don't get it.

ME: Well, Eldrick, I'm really glad you took time to do this interview. And I'm really glad you brought your wife, but couldn't you have waited 'til you left before you penetrated her?
TW: Sorry man, I'm a sex addict. It's my vice. You're lucky I did bring her. Or else I might have been slipping an Ambien in your drink.
ME: Well. I really don't know what to say at this point.
TW: You want in on this action or what?
ME: You bet your ass I do.
TW: Oh man, this takes me back to the good ol' days. I remember all the fun I used to have when I was a kid tag teaming some strange with my pops.
ME: Now that's what I call a role model.

R.I.P. Earl Woods

Also, today is the eight year mark for mine and Mrs. Ace's relationship. Please let her know how awesome I am sometime today.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Worst Of Week Fourteen Vol.III

It was sort of a perfect weekend for me. The wife and I went to the OSU/Miami hockey game on Friday night where we completely destroyed those faggot Fuckeyes 6-0. Navy didn't cover. The Redskins kicked the shit out of the Raiders (did not see that coming). Charlie Coles actually got a nice win yesterday for the RedHawk ballers over Wright State. Now, the in-laws came down Saturday sort of unannounced and stayed over. Normally, I would have been raging pissed and a total dick to everyone. But I was not. Sure, ingesting my weight in vodka and Fresca helped. But the biggest event of the weekend was that they brought down our Christmas present. This present just so happened to be a new recliner. Now, I love my old recliner. I have had it for a long time now and it knew the contortions of my ass perfectly. It could adjust to anything to give me maximum comfort. But this new chair...DAMN. It is outstanding.

So as much as I want to bitch and moan about the unexpected visitors, I really can't. I still got drunk and got an amazing ass cushion out of it. I love how the chair is for both of us yet it is a well known fact that I will always be the one sitting in it. No exceptions. This chair is mine. I am already crafting the perfect ass groove. On to the worst of the weekend:

Honorable Mention: Team Big Uns - Going into the final weekend of the G$FL season, I was fighting for my playoff life and was going against the only who could pass me this week. Going into tonight's game, in which I need an absurd 11 points from the Cards D to win, I am having an awful week in the clutch. Keep in mind, I've scored more than 140 point more than my opponent yet he is in the driver's seat unless Alex Smith really sucks tonight (probable). I blame my shortcomings on Tom Brady. He is fucking garbage. Fuck you, Tom. I have a championship caliber lineup yet my leader is an inconsistent shithead. Oh, and it would be nice if Welker and V-Jack actually found the fucking endzone once in awhile. I hate fantasy football sometimes.

5. The Steelers O-Line - The biggest disappointment in the NFL, let there be no doubt. 5 weeks ago, I boldly said here that they would win the Super Bowl. I don't regret that as there was no way to predict that they would lose to KC, Oakland, and the fucking Browns. As I stated on Friday in the comments, I did not watch one play of their latest game but how in the hell do you give up 8 sacks to the Browns? This is an organization who employs (I think) the gin-soaked Bernie Kosar. Stick a fork in this team, they are done. And it is embarrassing. This is not how a champion team should play. Sorry, Grump and K-Dog, but you suck.

4. Tony Romo - You can pretty much pencil him in here for the next two Mondays as well. There is nothing, NOTHING, better than the Cowboys December collapse. It's like an early Christmas present that lasts an entire month. Yes, I realize that my favorite team is 4-9 and going nowhere, but it feels great to know that neither is Dallas. I look forward to watching them lose by 20 to the Saints on Saturday. It was sad to see DeMarcus Ware get carted off with some sort of neck injury, but I couldn't help but chuckle when he did the "Thumbs Up, Mike Utley". That move always makes my day. Speaking of which, that is played out. I want to see someone get carted off and then flip everyone off. How great would that be? Sort of like a reverse of when Eagles fans booed Irvin.

3. Randy Moss - The best part of the RedZone channel is, obviously, that I get to watch every game. Fortunately, I got to see yesterday the exact time of the season when Randy Moss quit on his team. It has been a few years since we've seen this ploy, but I'm glad it's back. I'll never understand how a professional athlete could just dog it on the field during a game. But Moss wasn't even trying to make it look like he was trying. He was walking, giving up on blocks, and cutting off routes resulting in interceptions. Fuck you, Randy Moss. You are in asshole. Good luck with your auto racing team, queer.

2. Carson Palmer - Does anyone really take the Bengals seriously? I don't. Who cares if they swept the AFC North? None of those teams are making the playoffs anyway. That offense is awful. Palmer is getting worse every fucking game. How do you throw for less than 100 yards when you don't run the option? Fucking Ricky Dobbs had a better passing day this weekend than Carson. I am quite pleased that the Vikings destroyed them though. Bandwagon Bengals fans were starting to get a little too loud about how great they are. They aren't. They aren't going to win a playoff game. If you are asking me if I would bet on the Broncos to win again in Cincy this year, I would say fuck and yes. San Diego is going to donkey-rape these shit-eaters next Sunday.

1. The Heisman Voters - Nothing in the NFL this week was worse than what happened with the Heisman this weekend. HOW COULD ANYONE VOTE FOR INGRAM OVER GERHART!!! Toby had more yards, more td's, more plays of 10+ yards, and less pigment. Basically, what the voters did was just completely ignore the entire season and voted based on the SEC title game. That's it. That is the only explanation for this. Alabama would have gone undefeated this year anyway no matter who was running the ball. Would Stanford or Nebraska be in bowl games without Toby and Suh? Maybe, but not likely. What kills me the most is not the winner or the fact that Billy Sims (AGAIN) acted like a fucking moron, but it was the breakdown of the votes. If I read the results correctly, 43 people voted for Tebow to win. Did these people watch ANY college football games this year? I love Tebow, but he wasn't one of the TEN best players this year. And TEN people thought that Kellen Moore should have WON the Heisman. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? That is a fucking joke. Those are 53 people who should not be allowed to vote in this thing ever again. Just awful. Yet again, the Heisman goes to the wrong guy. And people think that the NBA is fixed. At least we now know that Texas will the title since the Heisman winner never wins their bowl game.

Alright, don't forget to sign up for THE MONEY SHOT'S BOWL POOL...details in the post below. Also, Mr. Ace is putting together some sort of bowl/spread contest to be done in the comments (details later in the week). I will leave you with a humorous tale.

So, She$ tells me that recently I have been talking in my sleep. I can't remember dreams so I'll take her word for it. Thursday night, I woke her up in the middle of the night by muttering, "QUIT TALKING SHIT, FUCKER". I have no idea what the context was behind this, but I like knowing that I am vulgar and rude subconsciously, too.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Bowl Pool Challenge


League ID: 26646
password: tiger

Join if you dare. It's free...we are playing for pride. The winner gets to write their own post here or can force me to write about whatever they want. There are stipulations though. I'm not going to write about how good Terrelle Pryor is because I don't think he is. I won't lie. But whatever. Don't be a pussy. Just join the bowl pool and take me on.

I will own this. Let me show you just how much smarter than you that I am.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Her Side Of The Story

I’ve had this idea planned for awhile now but have finally gotten around to acting on it. Whether it be the baseball playoffs or football or masturbation marathons or Jersey Shore, I just haven’t set aside the proper time to do what I’m best at. If you remember, and I’m quite certain that all of you do, we ran an interview with “Dut’s Dad” a few weeks back that apparently did not go over real well inside Dut’s extended family. Everyone else loved it though. Oh well. I’ll tell you what I told Dut, blame Mr. Ace. But with that said, I thought that it would only be fair if we heard from the other side of the story here. That is why I decided to bring Dut along with me to interview the lovely Mrs. Ace to find out some juicy details regarding the life of The Money Shot’s least favorite writer/commenter/human being. What follows is not for the weak.

G$: Mrs. Ace, I want to thank you for taking some time away from hammering your box to talk today.
Mrs. Ace: No problem, but can you please put your pants back on?
G$: Oh, sorry about that. I forgot that I’m not on a porno set.
Mrs. Ace: And can you please tell Dut to stop chewing on the couch?
G$: Knock it off, retard!
Dut: (eating his own boogers) Can I haz some ice cream?

G$: So. Mr. Ace. You two are engaged. You recently moved to Columbus. It’s pretty clear to the both of us that you just love to make horrible decisions.
MA: Take it easy. Don’t tell him that I said this, but I’m only in it for the discounted tools.
G$: You’ve been stringing this bum along all these years for cheap vise grips?
MA: You know it. It’s going to be awesome breaking that shithead’s heart after I’ve assembled the bitchin’est tool box ever. I hope to do it while he’s standing at the altar on our wedding day. How ironic will it be to lock everyone in the church with tools that I got from Ace and then burn it to the ground like they did in The Patriot?
G$: That’s not ironic at all. That is really fucking suck. Jesus doesn’t like it when you burn his house down with, you know, a bunch of people inside.
MA: Whatever, pussy. Your fag buddy, Dut, is humping your leg, by the way.
(ejaculation commences)

G$: Oh, God dammit. These pants are ruined.
(hits Dut in the face with a 2X4 that is laying around for some reason)

MA: I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.
G$: Why not? Did he nut on this thing, too?
MA: No, but I have been shoving it up Mr. Ace’s ass for the past five years.
G$: What the fuck?
MA: Yep. My fiancĂ© loves it when I ram a 2X4 up his ass. If you chip off some of the poo, blood, and lard, you can see that he wrote “The Madden Cruiser” on it. It’s his ode to John Madden and all the fine work he has done for Ace.
G$: This might be the sickest thing that I’ve ever seen/heard. Can I use some of that Purell?
MA: I wouldn’t use that either. The bottle is just filled with his semen. He washes his face with it.
G$: He gives himself a facial…nice. Why doesn’t he clean that fucking board?
MA: I’ve asked him that before. His response? “Recycled poop makes the best lubricant”. He truly believes this. If there is enough old shit on there, I can usually fit about 80% of the wood in his ass.
G$: What does that quote even mean!!! This is not normal behavior!!!
MA: Tell me about it. But he likes it and it shuts him up. And the only tolerable Ace is a silent Ace.
G$: Hacksaw Jim Duggan would be appalled to see what you are doing with a 2X4. I can handle some pretty sick shit, but taking a small tree up the ass is making me squeamish.
(We take a few minutes to spit on a still unconscious Dut)

G$: Seriously, you fuck this loser?
MA: No. I fuck Brett Favre.
G$: Oh God, I don’t even know where this is going.
MA: We have never had relations in which I did not make him put on a Brett Favre mask first.
G$: Ever?
MA: Ever. I like to play out fantasies in which I’m folding Wrangler jeans or playing football with my boys and then “Brett” comes up and rapes me.
G$: Your fantasy is to be raped by Brett Favre?
MA: And how!
G$: You are no different than any other Packers fan.
MA: Actually, I’m not going to answer any more of your questions until you put on this Charles Woodson mask and black strap-on.
G$: Fortunately, I brought both of those items with me. I never leave the house without them.
MA: Let’s continue then.

G$: So basically you are telling me that the only reason that you are marrying Mr. Ace is because of his access to cheap tools and that he is willing to dress up like someone you actually respect and admire?
MA: Sounds about right.
G$: I’ve got to be honest here, you don’t sound like a very good person. But you know what , he deserves this so we’re cool. I mean, what kind of an asshole owns a Ron Jaworski Eagles jersey anyway?
MA: Did you know that his testicles didn’t descend until he was in college?
G$: NOW we’re talking…go on.
MA: Yeah, until he was 19, his parents called him Andrea. Hell, when we first started dating, I thought I was scissoring with a full blown bull-dyke. It was so hot and steamy. And when they fell, that’s when I got the mask out. I still long for the days when I would lick his snizz all night long.
G$: This is some great stuff. Mr. Ace was raised as Ms. Ace!
MA: Pretty much. Hell, he fooled me. I thought that what is now his dick was actually just a big clit.
G$: Outstanding. This really makes up for having a gallon of Dut’s DNA on my shin right now.

G$: Last question. What does the future hold for Mr. And Mrs. Ace if you end up marrying him?
MA: Well, it would be nice if he could get a job. He got fired from his job as “glory hole operator” at The Plugged Nickel because he kept using his teeth. I’m trying to set him up with some lonely old guys on Craigslist. He’ll probably just do what he always does…make asinine remarks on blogs for 8 hours a day.
G$: Aren’t they the worst.
(door opens; in come The Brothers Strut and Daniel…they do not look happy)

MA: Is it time for the gangbang already?
G$: The fuck? Looks like it’s time to wrap this interview up and get out of here before my Madden gets cruised. Mrs. Ace, thanks for the time today and good luck satisfying these three and that homo, Dut.
MA: Hey, no problem. Tell the world my story.
G$: Will do. Have fun with these limp dicks.
G$: I’m sure you do. Isn't that your family's motto anyway?

Well…there was that. Better or worse than the first interview? This one was definitely more vulgar. I like it when they’re vulgar.