Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm 29 Today...

Yes, today is your old pal G$'s 29th birthday. Whatever. It's a totally pointless day. I haven't worked on my birfday for the last 5 years. I don't care anymore. I'm waddling in to work again. Nothing special planned. Kind of depressing actually. And if you think I'm waiting for the weekend to do something, you would also be wrong. Unless you find "going to a high school football game on Friday night and then heading to Oxford on Saturday to watch Cincinnati beat the RedHawks by 200" to be fun. I do not. Anyway, in lieu of an actual post with thought today, I did some research to find some celebs that share 9/30 as a birthday with me. It's surprisingly sexy. Take a look (lot of pics today):

Lewis Nixon - Hey! The guy that Ron Livingston played on Band of Brothers. He had a drinking problem!!!

Angie Dickinson - I think she banged the entire Rat Pack. I saw her on an episode of Celebrity Poker Showdown. She got tag-teamed by Dave Foley and Phil Gordon. Yeah, she's 79 if she's even alive.

Barry Williams - Who else can say that they banged Florence Henderdon AND got destroyed by Danny Bonaduce on Fox's Celebrity Boxing? They need to bring that show back.

Chris Von Erich - No idea who this guy is but I found out that he was brothers with The Texas Tornado. Yeah, he's dead, too.

Jeremy Giambi/Carlos Guillen - Nice slide, asshole. Guillen sucks.

Marion Cotillard - She won an Oscar for some movie that I will never see. Wake me when she wins an AVN award for "Best Anal Scene".

Candice Michelle - WWE Diva...took her clothes off for money. I like it. My kind of woman.

Martina Hingis - We were born on the same day and we are both champions at tennis/life. She understands the burden that I carry.

Dominique Moceanu - Another champion. Mmmmm gymnast. She lives in Cleveland! I wonder if she would give me a birthday beej?

Tory Lane - Porn star!!! Hell yeah! I recommend doing some outside research on Tory. This is the tree that I should be barking up for the aforementioned beej.

Lacey Chabert - Sexy little minx. Whatever happened to Lacey anyway? She is way too hot to not be on TV anymore. I actually watched Mean Girls just because she was in it.

And we can't forget those that passed away on this date. How about these titans that died as a birthday present to me...not really what I was asking for at the time, but a nice gesture nonetheless:
James Dean - Rebel without a cause...still makes one helluva breakfast sausage
Dan Quisenberry - side-arm pitching machine!
Robert Kardashian - Between being friends with OJ and having whores for daughters, he is an icon. No sisters know how to service black men quite like the Kardashian girls.

There you go. Like I said, pretty pointless post but it's kind of cool to see those who share your birthday with you. If you want, let us know who you have a birthday in common with. Or, you can "get me a present" in the comments. Whatever you would like. God dammit, I turn 30 next year...happy fucking birthday to me.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mangini Still Sucks And Other Things That We Know...

(He's going across the country right now to look for new acts to sign to his label. Next stop is St. Louis. Then he'll come back through Chicago on his way to Detroit.) Someone please get that reference when looking at this pic. It will make my day.

OK, enough Redskins talk. After that previous mention, we will not be discussing them for the rest of the week. Deal? Because honestly, they deserve no more words. And who I root for has no impact on my ability to watch other team's play football. I mean, sure, I hate the Cowboys but it wouldn't matter who I cheered for, I would still hate them. Anyway, we're three weeks into the season now and I think it's safe to say that about eight to ten teams have already been eliminated from the playoffs. It is also OK to start generalizing who teams are and what we should be expecting over the next 3-4 months. So I just want to take a little time today to discuss some things that I've noticed over the first three games.

*The Jets are annoying. Someone needs to put these queers back in their place. When you combine Mike Greenberg, Rex Ryan being a loudmouth asshole, and everyone sucking Mark Sanchez's cock, this team is so fucking hateable. I will be rooting against them every week. The worst thing to happen to this league was rookie QB's being good. I hate it. They should all suck like Brady Quinn and need to go to another team to potentially salvage their career. They shouldn't be starting playoff games.

*Something is off about the Pats. They have no fucking rhythm on offense. It's fucking mind-boggling. Is Moss finally showing his age? Is there any reason why Joey Galloway still has a job? Why is Brady subconsciously being a pussy? Quit fucking with my G$FL team, goatfucker!!!

*This whole Vick thing is not going to end well. Seriously, he told James Brown that he envisioned himself starting by now? He shouldn't have been a starter BEFORE he went to prison. And now he is dropping hints that the wildcat is a gimmick and not his style? Dude, you are lucky to be a free man let alone a millionaire. They gave you a fucking chance and an offensive set that you should thrive in. Quit your bithin'. The Eagles may win the NFC, but I have a strong feeling that it will have next to nothing to do with Dogkiller.

*Great organizations tend to produce great teams. Seems simple, doesn't it. The Giants, Eagles, Colts, Ravens, etc.: all great and viable Super Bowl contenders. The Raiders, Browns, that team in DC: fucking terrible.

*By the way, the Ravens are fucking awesome. Look out. They are going to beat the Pats by double digits in Foxboro this weekend. Willis McGahee is this year's DeAngelo Williams.

*The Browns need to start over again. This team has now lost 9 in a row in which they have scored less than 5 td's in those games. Their coach now has grievances filed against him by his players. The owner cares more about his Euro soccer league team. This franchise is terrible from top to bottom. What in the hell can you do though? This is, at the least, a 4 year rebuild. I may have been too generous when I said that they will win 1 game.

*It's about catching breaks. The NFL is cool in that the line between wins and losses is so razor thin. Examples: the Bengals are a fluke tip away from being 3-0. The Steelers are two missed Bironas chippy's from being 0-3. I'm not selling on the Stillers yet, but those WR have GOT to start catching the ball. I never realized how valuable Head and Shoulders Polamalu was either because that defense without him is just a bit better than average. As far as the Bengals go, let's see how they do in Cleveland this weekend. The old Bengals would choke this game away.

*Who's your three week MVP: Brees or Peyton? I probably lean toward the guy without the face mole right now.

*I still hate Brett Favre. When you admit that you had no idea who it was that you were throwing to, go fuck yourself. Ruined my day even more seeing coach Brown Eye walk away from that a loser. My 49ers should be 3-0!!! I will admit though, I am looking forward to the MIN/GB MNF game next week.

*The Broncos suck. Fortunately, none of you are dumb enough to believe in these guys. They should kick all the teams west of the Rockies (other than the Niners) out of the NFL.

Add whatever you want in the comments. I'm too tired to come up with a conclusion.

Monday, September 28, 2009

It Goes Through Our House

It's official now (well, it was on Sunday afternoon). The World Series goes through Yankee Stadium. Bring it, bitches. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Tigers fans. Come and get your medicine if you can hold off that awful Twins team. Way to finish strong, dick dribbles. Step right up for your bitch-slapping.

For the record, you all better hope and pray that the Yanks fuck this up because I have so much pent-up sports fan rage inside of me right now that any sort of celebration would unleash the greatest display of douchey-ness in recorded history. I'm a ticking fucking time bomb.

The Worst Of Week 3--Aww Hell, You Know Who It Is

Oh look at us. Tom Cruise roots for our team. We are soooo Hollywood. And everyone knows that being cool is much better than being good. The Steelers are probably the least cool team in the league, but I would much rather have a team that is loved by Scientologists!!! YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE PLAYS IF FUCKING MAVERICK LIKES YOU.

There is no list today. There is only one team that deserves to be called the most pathetic franchise in sports. For one week at least, we'll ignore the Browns. It's time for me to unleash hell, fire, and brimstone on the only team in the league worse than Eric Mangini's abortion. I mean, the Skins would still beat the Browns, but they aren't the team that ended the fucking streak.

1. The Washington Redskins
Sonofafuckingbitch. How do you lose to the Goddamn Lions? One of the more underrated aspects in sport is being able to point to a time during the season in which you saw your team quit. When did I see the team that I love more than almost anything roll over and die? Oh, that's easy.

That would be when they got stuffed on 4th and goal by the shitty ass Lions and then gave up a 99 yard touchdown drive to follow. That was the moment. Right there. The season is officially over. You can't come back from that. Oh, but that drive COULD have been stopped. Allow me to explain...

On 3rd and 4 from the WAS 35, Fatface Stafford threw an incompletion. The Lions committed offensive pass interference as well. Any sane person would decline the penalty to make it 4th down. Either go for it or see if Jason Hanson's AARP Card can kick from 52. No, the Redskins accepted the penalty to make it 3rd and 14 and then gave up 21 yards on a Fatface scramble. Nice fucking decision, Coach. Not only are you a horrible playcaller, have lost your team, could deepthroat a telephone pole, and take a pine cone up the ass, but now you have no in-game management skills at all. I guess I shouldn't say "now" since you have never had them.

Jim Zorn needs to be fired this week. Hell, I would have fired him in the locker room after the game. To make it more embarrassing, Snyder should have Tom Cruise shit-can this idiot. Shit-can him and then have the entire team shit on his face. I bet he gets off on that though.
He is in way over his head. He has no idea what he is doing. His gameplans are awful (because he doesn't have them). If you have had the misfortune of watching the Redskins at all this season, you will know that they run only two plays: Portis behind Chris Samuels and an assortment of 3 yard passes. That's it. Zorn's playbook is half the size of one in Tecmo Bowl. He is a fucking God awful coach. And Greg Blache is a shitty ass defensive coordinator as well. Those two can ride out of town together. I'm excited to see which coaching legend is stupid enough to come and work for Snyder and Fetus Face though. I'm a fucking fan and I wouldn't want to work for those assholes. Mike Martz seems like a match made in Hell.

I have never been more embarrassed to be a Redskins fan. This is fucking rock bottom. Losing to a team from Shittown, USA. Sure, I can shrug off douche texts from Dut and Ace and Jon Saul and Beanie/Seal who must have taken a break from tossing each other's salad, but them being fags doesn't change the fact that my team lost to the fucking Lions. The fucking Lions.

For the love of God, my football teams are awful. The Redskins look like a top 3 draft pick next April. The RedHawks are staring 0-12 in the face. Ohio State's defense is covering up the stench of JaMarcus Pryor's poor-ass play. I can't catch a fucking break as a fan. I can't continue to live like this. Week after week of disappointing performances is killing me. Even my "team that I root for this year", the 49ers, choked on some nuts yesterday ti Dickbag Favre. Fuck this shit.
I get it. It's probably hilarious to laugh at my misery. Well, laugh it up, cunt-smears, because I will have my revenge. May you all have your faces ripped off by the drunk whore that blew Thompson in the Stube parking lot on Saturday afternoon.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Just When You Thought Herpes Was As Bad As It Gets...

(Notice my photoshop skills)
Mr. Ace: Delonte, thanks for meeting with me today. I wasn't sure if you would be able to make some time for an interview.
Delonte West: I can always make time for you, Mr. Ace. You're the greatest blogger in the world.
ME: I don't know if that is the Lithium, the Zoloft, or some form of Benzodiazepines(SIX SYLLABLES BITCHES) or probably a concoction of all of them, but I appreciate the compliment.
: Nah, man. I'm not on any of that stuff. I deal with my mental illness the all natural way.
ME: Heroin, hookers, and tequila?
DW: Close...midget hookers.
ME: Well it's obviously working out for you.

ME: So you got into some serious trouble last week. What the hell is going on?
DW: People are after me, Ace.
ME: Is this one of those paranoid schizophrenic things or are there really people looking for you.
DW: I've got all kinds of people looking for me. My bookie is all over me. I took your shitty advice and lost all my money by betting on Florida.
ME: Ouch. How much are you betting? You're a fucking millionaire, you shouldn't have problems covering a bet.
DW: I bet 10 mil on Florida.
ME: Holy shit. It was the heroin wasn't it? No way a sober person drops 10 mil on a game.
DW: You gotta do something Ace, I need your help.
ME: Alright, I think I've got what you need. Take Michigan -20.5 and take the Over in that game, take CMU -16.5, take Missouri -7, take Illinois +14 and when the Iowa line gets to +10 take them. For NFL take the Under in the Redskins game and take San Fran +7. And don't say I've never done anything for you.
DW: Thanks Ace, you're a life saver...unless your picks suck again. Then you have pretty much just guaranteed me a timely death.
ME: You're welcome.

ME: But seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? You think people are after you so you ride around on a tricycle with a couple pistols and a shotty in a guitar case? Who do you think you are, Desperado?
DW: I need to protect myself. You don't know the kind of people I'm dealing with.
ME: Okay, that's fine. But why in the fuck are you riding around on a 3 wheel motorcycle if you "know" people are out to get you. You're a fucking millionaire. Buy a hummer. Hell, buy a fucking tank.
DW: Damn, you're right. I'm totally going to go buy a tank.
ME: That a boy.

ME: So your bookie is after you, but who else? You said there were other people gunning for you.
DW: Well, my biggest worry is Boobie. And he--
ME: Wait. Daniel fucking Gibson? Not even Dustin would run from that pussy. But he might run into the middle of the street and threaten to call the cops... Why is Gibson trying to kill you?
DW: There is a lot of competition for playing time and since I have shown up his minutes have been reduced.
ME: So why don't you just kick his ass?
DW: You don't fuck with Boobie. He is like the black Scarface.
ME: Really? His nickname is fucking Boobie. As in tit, breast, sweater puppy, way this guy is trying to kill you.
DW: Trust me, he is gunning for me.

ME: So what is up with that shit on your lip? GMoney says it is just a birth mark but I think he just said that because he kissed you on the lips at the exhibition game he went to last year.
DW: It's a birth mark.
ME: No it's not.
DW: Okay, it's not.
ME: So how did you get it?
DW: It's a long story.
ME: I've got the time.
DW: Well, I was getting all tipsy at the club one night and Dennis Rodman was there with a bunch of scallywags. Me and him started talking and he said he was having an after-party at his spot later. So I stopped by and Dennis told me to follow him and this other chick back to his room. It was cool at first. Just two guys tag-teaming a skeezer like they should be. Then all of the sudden Dennis gets all serious about pulling an Eiffel Tower on this slam piece. I'm drunk, so I don't give a fuck. We assume the position, I go to give him a high five and he leans over and kisses me on the lips...rubbing his herpes juices all over me.
ME: That really sucks. There are no juices worse than herpes juices.

ME: Now that you have contracted the Herp, how often do you give it to people on purpose?
DW: Oh man, all the time. My favorite is when I go out with a girl and we are having drinks. I make sure we order the same drink and then when she looks away I rub my lips all over the edge of my glass and then switch it with hers.
ME: Dude, that is dick.
DW: Dude, I got herpes from Dennis fucking Rodman. I will fuck up as many peoples lives as possible. I rub my lips on everything. Lipstick at the mall, chap stick, tampons--I even make it a point on away games to rub my lips on every single toilet seat before the game starts in hopes that somebody's dick will be burning by the end of the game.
ME: You, my friend, are amazing.

ME: Well, I hope everything turns out alright for you. I mean, obviously Herpes is like luggage, you got that shit forever, but hopefully everything else will work out.
DW: Appreciate it, Ace. I can only go up from here...unless your picks suck again. Then I'm fucked.
ME: No worries. Either way, you've got a mental disorder and Herpes, giving you shitty picks might be doing you a favor.
: Whatever asshole.
ME: Peace out.

Not This Week, Honolulu Blue

All of these assholes keep picking the Lions to end their 19 game losing streak this weekend against my Redskins. Go fuck yourself, experts. Make that shit 20. Are you serious? This is the Lions. Sure, the Redskins have looked fucking horrible over the first two weeks but do you really expect the Detroit fucking Lions to keep that trend up? This is the same team that made Brett Favre look competent last week and are still giving up TD passes to Drew Brees. They emply Daunte Culpepper! Stugots!

Although I would love to see Jim Zorn and his rapidly growing FUPA get shitcanned (YOU AREN'T SMART ENOUGH TO CALL YOUR OWN PLAYS, ASSHOLE!), even he isn't bad enough to lose to the Lions. Don't get sucked in with upset fever. Do you know how I know this?

Wednesday morning on Fatso and The Fag, HERM! Edwards picked the Lions to win. This man has not been right on anything once over the past 5+ years. Whatever HERM! picks, you go the other way. By the way, he also has the Bills beating the Saints this week. Exactly why is he being paid for his football insight again?

For what it's worth, IF lightning were to strike and the Lions were to beat my Redskins....oh boy, I don't know how I would react to that. Commenter Drew would definitely be on the receiving end of a shiv to the spine just to see if he can give a Thumbs Up Mike Utley. And I might try out autoerotic asphyxiation. Gotta stay positive...GO REDSKINS!!!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Look Who's Back

Now that football season has begun, let's be don't care about baseball anymore (if you did at all). It was fun while it lasted, but the sport just can't compete with the NFL. But something happened this week that should get your focus back a bit. There may be no pennant races in which any of the teams matter, but their is a heartwarming story that has come to fruition. One might call it, "the definition of a cinderella story". What is it?

The New York Yankees are heading back to the postseason. Against all odds. With the deck stacked against them. With Sergio Mitre. With Shelly Duncan back (I thought he was dead). This scrappy Yankees club ended the playoff drought in the Bronx and have clinched a spot in this year's ALDS.

Ha. Fantastic flowery writing by me right there. OK, so the Yankees are in. The Red Sox, Angels, Phils, Cards, Dodgers, Rockies, and whichever shitty team in the AL Central backs in will follow. I wanted to spend a few words today talking about my Yankees making it back into October again and then discuss potential opponents. It will be OK. Trust me.

-The MVP award will probably go to Joe Mauer because Teix Message and El Capitan will split votes. Nah, it probably won't be that close anyway but I would rather have those two on the Yankees than Mauer. Yeah, I said it. Small market pussy putting up small market inflated numbers. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Shave your fucking sideburns. This isn't 1995. Ian Ziering is cool and all but you shouldn't copy his style.
-The Yankees staff is supposed to be a concern. Other than the fact that Chad Gaudin could be starting a game 4 in the ALCS potentially, I'm not too worried. CC has been Cy Young-worthy. Pettitte was great after missing a start last week. Burnett appears to be over his mini-slump now. Joba is a fucking mess but that is the organization's fault. I'm not concerned with the starters.
-The bullpen is fantastic. Best closer. Could, if they wanted, shorten games by using Hughes in the 7th and Joba in the 8th if they want to. Girardi isn't that smart though. Because if he did this, the Yankees might not lose a game in the postseason.
-The manager scares me. Joe Girardi isn't very smart as I said above. There is a reason that he looks EXACTLY like Keerog AKA Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
-Good luck winning in our stadium. No one cares about your opinion on the dimensions, commenters. What I do care about is that our pitchers know how to pitch there and, if you don't start lefties on the hill against this sick lineup, you have no chance.
-Our manager is a moron. I am already giving away one game that he will inexplicably throw away in the postseason due to some retarded move. Just don't make it two, neanderthal. We should just have Nick Swisher be a player/manager. At least he's amusing with his craziness.

As far as the opponents go:
Detroit - They will hold on and win the worst division in the world (worse than the AFC west). Yes, they knocked the Yankees out three years ago. I don't really care. I am not 100% confident that this is a relatively easy series, but I'm pretty damn confident that the Yanks advance. The Tigers are a God awful road team who tend to go weeks in between base hits. Other than WhiteTrashlander, no one in their rotation scares me. Edwin Jackson? Child please, he wasn't even on Tampa's playoff roster last season and they gave him away to you for a dick sandwich. Your closer is fucking terrible. Jarrod Washburn has been an abortion. Rick Porcello was rocked both times he faced us this year. Mountain Dew has had success against the Yanks, but I believe that CC owns the team that will eventually kill Ernie Harwell. If the Tigers lose game one, this should be a sweep.

Anaheim - Please God, no. There is no way that the Yankees can beat them. Fortunately, the Halos have the same fear toward...

Boston - Isn't this what everyone wants to see anyway? The world would love to get a classic Yankees/Red Sox ALCS. It's been five years since we've seen it. I think that we are ready for another go'round. And this's personal.

It's been nine years...I think I'm ready to be a fan of a world champion team again. God knows how long I will have to wait for the Redskins. I deserve it, too. I'm a great person and a snappy dresser.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

In Defense Of Pete Carroll

I didn't see one highlight of the USC/Washington game this past Saturday as I was inebriated at a wedding, but we all know that they were a lesser team...from the rotten Pac-10. Petey Carroll is starting to get some heat nationally for his repeated lapses in focus. On another site, Damman even had the nerve to say this:

He is a good coach, not a great one. Great coaches don't continually lose to far inferior teams every year. It's not a coincidence that it happens every year.

Now I don't want to come off like a fag (Colin Cowherd), but I'm going to defend Carroll today. First of all, other than Urban Meyer, there is no one else even close to being in Pete's league as a coach (maybe Saban, I guess). Second, you can criticize his inability to run the table, which he is apparently expected to do EVERY year now, but that is it. Blah, blah, blah Reggie Bush--who cares. If it didn't bother the NCAA, then it shouldn't bother you either. But back to the loss in Seattle a few days ago, it really was the perfect storm. I didn't personally think that would happen, but I am not surprised. Why?

*USC was without it's starting QB
-You can think what you want to about Ramblin' Matt Barkley's performance in Columbus, but there is a reason why Pete started a true freshman this year. And that reason is that Aaron Corp sucks.
*USC was without it's best player, and likely top 5 draft pick, in Taylor Mays
-The same thing happened to the Steelers this weekend. You go without your stud safety, you lose on the road to an inferior team by 3 points
*USC gets every team's best shot every single freaking week
-I don't think that we can stress this enough. The Trojans get every team's best each weekend. Every team works a little harder when they see USC on the schedule. It can't be easy to have it brought at you every week.
*Steve Sarkisian knows the tendencies and personnel
-Speaks for itself, doesn't it? If Ty Willingham is still coaching the Huskies, USC rolls by 30.
*USC is really freaking inexperienced outside of the trenches
*Carroll's staff turns over every season as many of them leave for promotions

-No one has had more coordinators promoted than Carroll. No one. Hell, compare that to Jim Tressel's staff. None of those guys even get interviewed other than Dicknose Dantonio.
*Coming off of a big road win the week prior, a letdown is human nature
*By losing to a team that went winless last year, that only makes Ohio State look worse

-You wonder why the Buckeyes won by 38 points this week and dropped two spots in the polls? This is why. Ohio State lost to a team who lost to a team that went 0-12 last year.

Look, I realize that Pete Carroll doesn't need a loser blogger like me to validate his career, but I will anyway. You want to argue that he should have 3-4 titles right now? OK. Let me ask you this: how many teams go undefeated every year? Maybe 1 every 2 or 3 years, right? So Carroll stumbles once during the year like everyone else does. He can't do anything about his shitty conference not getting him enough BCS points. USC doesn't have the rest of the SEC helping an average at best, 2 loss LSU team back into an easy title. And instead of whooping up on the SEC, he has to settle for a home win over an incredibly bad Big Ten team in the Rose Bowl. So don't give me that shit. The last 2 national champs all had help to get into the title game while Carroll never gets any. Apparently, the critics believe that this is his fault.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go give myself a swirlie for being on the same side of an argument as Cowherd. I feel so dirty...even before shoving my head in a toilet full of feces. Which is basically what they should rename The Herd. "Toilet Full Of Feces" sounds much better.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Post #900 Introduces My New Best Friend

Big day today, everybody. For this great site is celebrating it's 900th post!!! Fortunately, I had the greatest thing ever happen to me yesterday. I am literally beaming right now (whatever that means). And once you find out what it is, you will realize that I have extremely low standards for what makes me happy.

Now, my alma mater has not given me much to smile about over--well--it's been a long ass time. The hockey team broke my heart in the Frozen Four final this Spring. The basketball team has been good but not great and has fallen short of my always lofty expectations. I don't even want to talk about the football team who finally scored this past weekend (against Western Michigan's backups). It's been rough. But that has all changed. I had an email in my inbox yesterday that simply stated the greatest phrase one could possibly read:

Charlie Coles has accepted your friend request on Facebook.

HELLS FUCKING YEAH!!! Charlie and I are dawgz now!!! I want to go back in time and make him my best man at my wedding. I want him to plan my bachelor party. I want him to be more than just friends!!!

Anyway, I was checking out Coach Coles' little corner of Facebook yesterday and some of his status updates just cracked me up. Here are a few of my favorites...

Great 1st team workout today!--I love the use of the exclamation point...really tells me how great that workout actually was.

Good luck to our football team tomorrow as they invade the land of the BLUE turf!!!--Again, more exclamation points. Charlie wants you to make SURE that you know that Boise has BLUE turf. And when our football team plays on the road, "invade" would be the last word to describe the trip.

We finished off the second week of workouts STRONG!--Charlie would not have put strong in all caps if we didn't have the baddest ass basketball team of all time. Coles doesn't roll that way. And finally...

We took another step to becoming CHAMPIONS today!--He doesn't get into specifics, but I assume that this means that the RedHawks will be cutting down the nets while listening to One Shining Moment in early April this year.

Charlie Coles and G$...together again at last. He taught the first ever class that I took in college (Basketball Theory) and now he contribues to post #900. What a CHAMPION!

Say Hello To His Little Friend

OK, the story broke on Friday afternoon and it's about time that I address this. Obviously, this isn't the time of year for much NBA talk, but it is always that time of year to discuss athlete arrests. And while we all wait to see who wins first, the Browns or the Cavaliers, I suppose that I should humbly speak on the situation surrounding one of my favorite basketball players.

So we all know the story behind Delonte West's recent arrest, right? He was riding a three wheel motorcycle in his hometown in Virginia. He cut off a cop. He got pulled over. He had two handguns on him and a shotgun in a guitar case (huh?). He was hauled off to jail. The media swarmed. He is going to get suspended by David Stern. He may spend a little time in the pokey.

No one is denying that this was an incredibly stupid thing to do. Not even me, the colossal Cavs homer. It was retarded. But let's not go nuts here. Sure, you could classify him as the NBA's Scarface (especially with that shit on his lip which is a birthmark, by the way). But we really don't know why he was strapped. Well, I'm not afraid to ask the questions.

Did you ever think that maybe it was necessary? The guns were registered after all. From the sound of things, it seems like he was trolling for some jailbait ass on a motorized tricycle. Maybe he just wanted to ensure that no one would make fun of him? And what about that shotgun in the guitar case? I'm no musical genius, but maybe that is the instrument that he plays in his local garage band? I mean, Jackyl uses a chainsaw in their songs, maybe a shotgun makes beautiful music! Who are you to rip on an artist who is trying to do something new and inventive!!! Hell, I've heard that commenter, Tony B, uses a dead homeless guy when he takes the stage in NoCal.

Well, I say bollocks. I am sick and tired of white America villifying the black athlete just because he doesn't conform to societal norms. You will all be ashamed when the shotgun and motortrike go mainstream. D-Lo will have the last laugh. And this will all be swept under the rug like it should. I mean, America was built on bipolar millionaires cruising the strip with enough fire power to kill Robert Patrick in Terminator 2.

***If you couldn't find the sarcasm in this post, swallow a gun now. Of course, I find this to be incredibly retarded and am not making excuses. This hasn't been the best offseason for my Cavs as far as public relations go. Now along with the Shaq circus, the Bron potentially leaving mess, and a borderline retarded coaching staff, we have to deal with this all year. I'm not getting a good vibe about the upcoming season. Wait---no, sorry, I was sitting on a vibrator. So that's what that was.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Worst Of Week 2 Vol.III

Oh boy. This might be the most hungover blog of all time. You see, Shags got married on Saturday night. She$ stayed home due to work which left me to party with my dawgz. Shags' dad told everyone to order "doubles" instead of regular drinks at the bar. I put down about 40 14/14's (double 7/7's). I damn near puked at the bar after the reception. I started back-to-back N-a-p-o-l-e-o-n chants. I woke up in the hotel room knowing what was coming. Two hours later, I am violently wretching my guts out in the bathroom sink. Why the sink? Because Damman already destroyed the toilet with his puke at some point during the night. I fucking hate puking. I don't do a normal puke. I make the most horrific sounds ever when I'm shooting whiskey all over the porcelain. It's awful. But this just goes to show that no matter how old you get, you can always tie on one like you used to with your boys. Just don't count on being a productive member of society for the next three days. Awesome night but it ruined my normal Sunday football-watching joy. Well, it was either that or getting stuck with the Bengals, Lions, and Browns games yesterday. Ugh. Onto the worst of the week.

Honorable mention: my colon, my stomach, my brain...see above. Had a bad, bad day.
Honorable mention 2: Jeff Reed - way to cost your team a game, ya faggot. Missing two easy field goals??? James Harrison has raped uglier men for less than that. Cover your butt this week, homo.

5. Titans Defense - Whoa. They looked awesome against the Steelers last Thursday and then follow that up by getting gashed by the gash known as Matt Schaub. Seriously, Schaub is not good. He shouldn't be putting up numbers like that over three games let alone against a Jeff Fisher coached team at home. And should we be starting to get nervous about Steve Slaton? He's averaging about -12 yards per carry.

4. Brady Quinn - I'm about 95% sure that Quinn will be nothing more than a backup in the league. He just isn't good. He plays tentative. He takes waaaaay too many sacks. He has the dreaded "happy feet". Does anyone want to argue that the Browns are anything more than MAYBE a two win team? They suck. No team should lose by 3 scores to a Kyle Orton Express-led squadron.

3. Sean McDermott - Nice defense. I saw the feature on Fox's pregame 60 minutes of pimping that awful Strahan sitcom (Apollo Creed!!!). The Eagles defense is not good. Don't believe the hype from last weekend's Delhomme pants-shitting. These losers are going to have to win shootouts almost every week. They're like the Saints except that they aren't fun to watch and their QB knows a thing or two about ralphing. I don't care if they were playing the Saints, you can't give up 48 points in your home opener. You suck. Mr. Ace swallows.

2. Aaron Rodgers - You know, and I am guilty of this, many people said that the Packers' shitty season last year was not Rodgers' fault. Well, after watching them get destroyed by the Bengals yesterday in every facet of the game, maybe Rodgers just isn't that good. Maybe he's like Romo and Rivers and Brees...fantasy studs but losers on the field. Whoever the left tackle is for GB should be cut today. How do you give up 5 sacks to one guy...WHO PLAYS FOR THE BENGALS!!! I'll give the Pack a few more games but I'm leaning toward changing my NFC champion pick after yesterday.

1. Tom Brady - Fuck you, Tom. Fuck you in your smelly goat ass. That is SEVEN quarters now that you have sucked diseased possum nuts. You are going to cost me a G$FL win over Damman this week (likely unless the Phins kill Addai during the pregame). What is wrong with Brady anyway? He's getting outplayed by a Mexican AND Trent Edwards in less than a week! I just don't know what's the deal with him but he better quit fucking with my fantasy team, Big 'Uns. Oh yeah, and the Patriots are just a regular team now. They no longer feature that air of invincibility.

I wrote this watching Football Night In America before the Sunday Night game. Bob Costas interviewed Jerry Jones. I contemplated how soon I could get to Texas, once Jerry Jones is caste back to the underworld to be seated at the right hand of Satan, and spit on his grave. Seriously, I've never rooted for someone to die more in my life. The sooner the better. Maybe I will even violently vomit all over his tombstone. I'm open for anything really. In closing, I don't care if the Redskins won...they are terrible. Jim Zorn needs to go.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Ace's Vegas Special

Well, my first official picks for The Money Shot didn't go so well. 3-4 is far from stellar, and I can guarantee that these picks are better than 3-4. GMoney claims he went 6-1, but that ass hole wasn't kind enough to share his picks with us so who really knows what he went. The more important thing, at least for me, is that I hit ANOTHER 5 PLAY PARLAY! Going 3-4 really doesn't fucking matter when you hit a 5 play parlay for the second straight week. So I have decided to make an addition to my picks; the Delaware Special.

First, let's start off with some college picks.
Sparty @ Notre Lame. Notre Lame -10. The talent difference between ND and Sparty is enormous. Sparty simply won't be able to hang with the offensive fire power that Floyd and Tate will bring. Sparty just lost at home to Central fucking Michigan. No way they cover. Notre Lame -10.

Fuckeyes @ Toledo...sort of. Fuckeyes -20.5. By the time this game gets to kickoff it will be -21 oe -21.5, which could potentially make a huge difference. I think Toledo will cover either way, but I would really like the extra point. Honestly, there are probably only a handful of teams that I wouldn't take Toledo against if I was getting three TD's...and the Fuckeyes are not one of them. Toledo will score and they will hang around. The potential for an upset is there, but I'm really not seeing the potential for a blowout. Toledo +20.5. Aaron Opelt for Heisman!

Tennessee @ Florida. Florida -29.5. I marked this date down on my calender way back on February 5th. That is the day that Lane Kiffin called Urban Meyer a cheater and accused him of a recruiting violation in front of a University of Tennessee audience. That is a day he will live to regret, that is the day he crossed the best coach in the nation with the best team in the nation. I was really hoping Tennessee would beat UCLA handily so this line be quite so high, but it doesn't matter. Urban Meyer is going to fuck Kiffin's world up. The Swamp is going to be fucking nuts. Don't worry about the points, take Florida. Florida -29.5.

I also like the OVER in this one. The O/U line is set at 52 right now and Florida is going to score at least 49. I just hope Tennessee can find a way to make a couple field goals to cover.

Boise @ Fresno State. Boise -7. I like Boise. Fresno just pushed Wisconsin to the limit last week without coming away with the win and I don't think they can bounce back fast enough to be prepared for Boise. Not only is Boise's offense top notch, they are the best defense in the WAC and will shut down Fresno's passing attack. Boise -7.

Lil Strut has also decided to grace you with his college picks:

USC at Washington (+18.5)
With Steve Sarkisian now at the helm of Washington, the Huskies are going to establish themselves as a team to be reckoned with in the Pac-10. We all saw what happened to USC after they won a big game against Ohio State last year and I think they are going to be presented with difficulties again this year. Steve Sarkisian is going to take advantage of Jake Locker's abilities against an inexperienced USC Defense and although Washington may not win, they certainly don't get beat by 19. I take Washington and the points. UW -18.5.

Arizona at Iowa (41.5 over/under)
When looking at these teams thus far in the season it is easy to realize two things. 1) Both teams play decent to good defense and 2) Neither team is an offensive power. This would explain the low over/under. One thing should be pointed out though, neither team has been in a game this season that achieved the over. I see a defensive slugfest that ends up somewhere around the 20-14 range for Iowa. I take the UNDER.

Florida State at BYU (-6)
BYU is still riding the momentum from its upset of Oklahoma and Florida State is still feeling the effects of losing a heartbreaker to Miami at home, which showed in its piss poor performance against Jacksonville State last week. I think BYU comes into this game focused and pumped up for what is a huge home game for them, while Florida State will be apathetic and unfocused after traveling all the way across the country. I give the points and take BYU. BYU -6.

NFL Picks
Seahawks @ 49ers. Niners -1.5. This is basically a pick between a Jim Mora Jr. coached team and a Mike Singletary coached team. I don't think I need to say much more. Niners -1.5.

Panthers @ Falcons. Falcons -6. Jake Delhomme is still the starting quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. Again, I don't think I need to say much more. But when your star WR says this to you on the sidelines, "I never really liked you as a quarterback. But as a person . . . I love you as a person," it's pretty obvious there are problems. Falcons -6.

Steelers @ Bears. Steelers -3. Jay cutler is a fucking bum. Urlacher is gone for the year. The Steelers will shut down Forte. Ball game. Steelers -3.

Colts @ Dolphins. Colts -3. I'm not in love with this pick, but I just think the Colts are better. Plus, they picked up Hank Baskett and his tits on a stick wife...that's at least 3.5 points right there. Colts -3.

The Delaware Special:
BC @ Clemson: Over 45.
Temple @ Penn State: Temple +30. PSU hasn't covered their first two big spread, they won't cover this one.
USC @ UW: UW +18.5.
Nebraska @ Va Tech: VT -5.5.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma: Over 58.

There you have it, douchers and douchettes. Give us some of your picks, or rip apart ours, in the comments.

The Drought Will End TOMORROW!

I make it no secret that my Miami RedHawks are the worst team in college football. Allow me to embellish for a minute:

-Currently #1 in ESPN's Bottom 10 rankings
-Sagarin ranking in the 150's...there are 119 teams in D1. Yeah, we are worse than at least 30 FCS teams.
-Have been outscored 90-0 in the first two games this year
-Our best WR is now out for the season (I think he's faking it just so he doesn't have to suffer through an 0-12 season)
-We feature the worst QB of all time in Daniel Raudabaugh (pictured doing something terrible) yet he has started games for us each of the past three years. He has sucked in every single game.

But I will say this...tomorrow in Kalamazoo...WE WILL SCORE! Granted, we have no shot of beating the 17 point spread, but we will find the endzone. I'd settle for a FG at this point. Since we are talking spreads today, do yourself and START TAKING MY ADVICE ON THIS.

Bet against the RedHawks every week. Even on weekdays, I would bet against them in practice. See you all on Monday. Ace and Little Strut are coming at you in the morning. Well, they will if they ever finish eating each other's assholes.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Fanhood Could Be At A Crossroads

I think you all know by now that I love the Washington Redskins. I would do unspeakable things just to see them win their fourth Super Bowl title of my lifetime. It's been a long 18 years since but I realize that some of you have been waiting longer so I'm not going to act like a victim here. I've got more pressing matters to discuss besides the almost two decades of futility in the nation's capital.

It's not always easy to be a Redskins fan. When Jack Kent Cooke died and his family sold the team to some hot shot dipshit, that was a tough day. When Dan Snyder hired Steve Spurrier, that was a tough day. When they lost to a terrible Rams team at home last year, that was a tough-ass day. But when it comes down to it, I can't turn my back on them. It's probably like how Andy Reid feels about his sons. Sure, they are fucking horrible people and probably should have their organs harvested now, but they are still his kids, dammit.

Well, a group of Native Americans are asking the Supreme Court to deem the name "Redskins" offensive. First of all, if these Indians want to be offended, they should watch 2 series of Jim Zorn's offense. Maybe they are offended because the Redskins have been so mediocre recently? That makes sense. Now I don't want to get into a whole thing about whether the name Redskins is offensive. It probably is but you know what, fuck you. You've got casinos and I have ulcers from watching bad football. Seems to me like you got the better deal there.

Here is my point. Although I don't think anything will happen from this (since these groups have been trying to do this since the 90's), if the government steps in and tries to tell my Washington Redskins that they need to become the Washington Bulldogs or something else unoriginal, I quit. I'm done. I grew up loving the Washington REDSKINS. I don't care if it is just a uniform/name change, that team is different. If it does come down to this, I will officially announce my free agency. I will be on the market for a new NFL team. I've already lost the name Redskins to one of my teams, I'll be damned if it happens to me again.

William Wallace said it best during the penultimate scene in Braveheart: And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade all of that from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take away our wins, but they'll never take the name "Redskins"!!!

No one as awesome as Chief Zee (pictured) could possibly be racist. Now the mustachioed Lions fan with the overalls on the other hand...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Apparently That Is Physical Education

Let's take a break from the football talk today to ponder something that I've been thinking about lately. That's right, it's time that I take you back down memory lane. But shockingly, there will be absolutely no mention of high school football today. I know, I know, you are all sad. No, we're going to even further back into the vault today. Allow me...

Remember gym class? When I was rocking out at West Elementary School (West IS Best!), we had gym 2 or 3 times a week. On the other days, we had Music with the extremely unsexy, Mrs. Sasaki. Needless to say, gym was awesome because the alternative was the exact opposite. The whole mindset in elementary school PE class is that you wanted to show everyone that you were a baller. You may not have realized it at the time, but it was important (at least for me) that my classmates saw I could play. I was probably (and likely still am) the greatest 5th grade floor hockey player of all time. Little did I know that later in life, I would record a hat trick during an intramural broomball game in college. THAT was an awesome feeling. The skills translated, homes! Anyway, gym class in your younger years was more about developing an athletic reputation (like my inability to do more than one pull-up!).

Then we went off to middle school and the dynamic changed. Gym took on a whole new meaning. Puberty hits and everything is a little awkward. You have to maintain a delicate balance as you want to impress the ladies (or in Nate B.'s case, the boys) but you still want to win in whatever game is being played that day. And that is not necessarily easy. You want to make sure that you still dominate, but you don't want to sweat through your shirt to do it because what 7th grade girl wants to hold hands with the kid that is always soaking wet? So you end up half-assing it. Except for on Dodgeball Day. That is when you, the one who already established his reputation in elementary school as a stud, start taking out all of your pent-up rage and confusing hormones on the class dweebs. For some reason, you assume that drilling the cute girls in the face with a plastic ball is effective flirting. It is not. But is effective at being known as the class asshole. So now you have, in essence, fell off of that fine line. Now you have to spend the rest of your days kissing the asses of some broads with sweet asses. Middle school gym class is all about looking cool and trying not to get a boner. Because you definitely don't want to be the guy forever known as "that kid who got a hard-on playing crab soccer".

Once you get to high school, everything changes again. No one really cares anymore about how they look because PE class is MUCH better than sitting in Spanish or something else fucking lame. Our HS gym teacher invented a game called "Omniball" which is probably the greatest game ever. But you need a "Grand Canyon" to play it. Anyway, the unique thing about our high school was that we had a pool. Every year, for a week or two, we would do nothing but hit the water for some swimming. It was absolutely a necessity to be in the same gym class as some hot chicks. A FUCKING MUST. That first day of class, you immediately scoped out the clientele to make sure that you had something to stare at during the swimming sessions. I mean, seeing some 18 year old butt cheeks at 9:00 AM is just as awesome as it sounds. Sure, I'm a fucking horrific swimmer, but I still have fond memories of that pool. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of creepy.

So, now that you have a bit of a backstory behind gym class and some memories are flooding back (hopefully of some sexy swimming turd cutters), let me get to the point of this (because it has almost nothing to do with I was just talking about). Now maybe this was just a northwest Ohio thing, but then again, maybe this is a nationwide thing. Let me know because this has always confused me:


Once we got to high school, this was no longer part of the curriculum. But in grades 1-8, why did schools force this bizarre form of hillbilly dancing on us? Trust me, I have never been in a situation since in which I needed to know how to allemande left (allemande right, come on you fucking dummy get the right step right!***extreme bonus points to those of you who get that reference).

In elementary school, our awesome gym teacher, Mr. Edwards, seemed to love Square Dancing Week because everyone hated it so much. He used to wheel in the damn record player and yell at people for not do-si-doing correctly. It was awful. Having to hold a girl's hand and walk them around a circle when you're 8 years old? Fucked up shit. Worse than the Presidential Fitness Challenge.

Middle School was even worse. As I said earlier, puberty is starting to kick in. The teachers tell everyone to partner up for some promenading yet you don't know who to ask because what if they find out that you like them or something else trivial that adolescents think about. YOUR LIFE COULD BE OVER!!! You worry that once you do find a partner, what happens if the touch of her hand sparks an outrageous showing of BONERAMA? It's absolutely horrible. Do you remember how awkward you were at 13? Did you really need the school to make you dance with the opposite sex? Ahhhhh!!! Jesus Christ, just give me a ball to throw at that dork's nuts already. The stress is too much. And for what exactly? To learn a dance that isn't practical or useful at all and is only done by idiots at Henry County weddings (not mine though)?

Pisses me right off. Someone shed some light on this if you know the answer. But I already know the answer...square dancing fucking blows and it is only mandated by the schools to make awkward kids even more awkward. Job well done, assholes. Dammit, who wants to play some Omniball.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

May The Forcier Be With You

Rich Rodriguez! clap clap-clap clap clap, Notre Lame! clap clap-clap clap clap, Charlie's Fupa! clap clap-clap clap clap, Basketball Monday!

It's so good to be back. After a brief hiatus last year, we don't talk about last year anymore, my Wolverines are back and prepared to Forcier face fuck any and everybody that steps in our path. Did you see that kid? Absolutely unshakable. Tate Forcier has played two college football games and he's already had his signature win(Suck on that Pryor, you bitch.) Tate Forcier is the fucking balls! He's got stones the size of Nate B's skull. I could hear Foo Fighters "My Hero" raining down upon The Big House as Tate drove the team down the field a la Jonathon Moxon. It has been over a decade since I felt this way as a Wolverine fan.

And the icing on the cake, see ya Charlie Weis. Is there any way that fat fuck possibly keeps his job now? I don't care if he still has a hundred mil on his contract, ND is dumping that fucking bum...and it's too bad. I really enjoyed watching his pompous ass recruit the best talent in the nation and still get his shit kicked across all levels of college football, from Syracuse to USC. But as long as Urban Meyer isn't showing up in South Bend, it doesn't matter who they get. The ND community will hate him for not being Urban and they will continue there downward spiral for another couple decades.

I know all the haters are going to come out and talk about how overrated Notre Dame was and how Michigan is getting too much hype for beating Notre Dame. To all you haters, suck it. Notre Dame is a good fucking team. Jimmay is a more than capable quarterback and their skill players are excellent. They have the best wide receiver combo in the nation with Michael Floyd and Golden Tate. Hell, that might be one of the best WR tandems ever. Floyd is a monster that is going to be a star at the next level. Golden Tate, well...he is Golden Tate. Both of these guys will finish at the top for the Biletnikoff award. They could have max protected all day and chucked it deep to whoever Cissoko was covering and they would have scored half the time. But they didn't, because Weis is a moron. Thank you, Charlie Weis.

How fucking great is Michigan right now? How jealous are you of my blissful state?

Fuckeyes, this paragraph is for you. Did you watch Tate Forcier? Did you see what he did? That's what a fucking leader does. He leads his team to victory. I've said all along(okay, the last couple months) that I was glad that Terrelle Pryor chose the fuckeyes because he is a fuck-up and a terrible quarterback. All you fuck(eye)tards told me I was full of shit:

Commenter Drew:
Mr. Ace you are so full of shit. You are not "honestly fine" with not getting TP. That decision set the Michigan program back years on it's own.
Commenter Damman:
Any one of you commenters would love to have this guy quarterback your college team. Enough of this taking the high moral road crap. You are all full of shit. End of story.
No, you ass clowns, I don't want that bum. It's not even close. It's a fucking landslide. Forcier is two games into his college career and he is already a better quarterback than Pryor will ever be. Winner=Us.

And what's next for the mighty Wolverines? Honestly, I don't have a clue. All I know is I am more confident than ever in Michigan's ability to just win games. All of the sudden the games on our schedule look a lot more winnable, especially the two big home games left against Penn State and the Fuckeyes. All of the sudden 10 wins looks reasonable. Are we going to win a National Title this year? Probably not. Do we have just as good of a chance as any other team in the Big Ten? Fuck yes. The Rich Rodriguez era has officially begun, and Tate Forcier will be your captain for the next four years. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Michigan is back, bitches.

Thank you, Fun Guy...and RICH RODRIGUEZ!!!

The Bills Are Terrible

Judas Priest, does any team choke on bigger testicles on Monday Night Football than the Bills? Holy shit. Linda Lovelace thought that that was a huge choke. Obscure 70's porn actress references is what makes this blog tick.

Oh well, the Brady 4th quarter magic helped my G$FL team, Big 'Uns, defeat hated commenter Dut. Because he sucks, you see and I am much better. Sonofabitch, I forgot that Fatso and the Fag were announcing the second game. Shit. And Mormon twatberry Steve Young is there, too? I should check and see if Dick Jauron can come over and strangle me. Either him or Jim Kelly, but I definitely want a professional choker to do the deed.

Insert tasteless joke about Jim Kelly's son. I'll get the ball rolling:

How do you make a dead baby float?
A can of root beer and two scoops of Jim Kelly's son.

I have serious problems. I'm not a very good human being.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Worst Of Week 1: Vol.III

Thank the fucking Lord that the NFL is back in our lives. We forgot about how awesome Drew Brees is and that the Super Bowl loser jinx is alive and well and that the Redskins secondary blows and even that the worst QB ever lives in Charlotte. But we got it all back in spades yesterday. And it was glorious. Eventhough my Redskins lost in the Meadowlands (again), I still can't wipe this smile from my face. It's back. The sweet, sweet goodness of the NFL is back. I'm a 28 year old asshole with poison fucking ivy right now (who the fuck gets poison ivy these days?) and I still can not be mad. Football has begun. That pussy shit that is played on Saturdays is fine, but the men began this week. This is going to be a bitchin' season...and I thought that even before Bitchcakes McNabb broke his cunt-ribs. Oh, and going 6-1 on my bets this weekend also helps me be happy.

But on this site, we talk about shitty performances on Monday mornings. We are cutting the list down from ten to five though this year. I'm lazy...get over it. And without even looking, you already know who is #1 this week.

5. Steve Slaton
Ouch. 9 carries for 17 yards against the fucking Jets. I said it on Thursday and I will say it again, you people who think that the Texans are good, are fucking stupid. I guess we could throw Matt Schaub into this slot, too, because he is terrible. Seriously, who loses a home game to a rookie QB starting his first game...BY 17 POINTS!!! Terrible. I think we can get Gary Kubiak's resume ready.

4. Shaun Rogers
Jesus, aren't you supposed to be the run-stuffer for the Browns? You were a damn sieve yesterday, lardo. Just in case the Browns coaching staff wasn't aware, Adrian Peterson is really fucking good and it should be your whole damn game plan to stop his ass. He proved it yesterday, but Brett Favre is no good. You want him to throw it early and often. Brady Quinn was no different either. He still sucks and can't throw the ball further than the first down chains. I stand by my pick that the Browns win one game this year.

3. The Bengals karma
What a hardcore kick in the dick loss that was. My grandma is about the most diehard Bengals fan on the planet and I was worried that yesterday's loss may have sent her to the afterlife. First of all, that game was horse shit. When you can't score in the first 59 minutes against one of the worst defenses in the league, you probably should lose. But damn...a WHITE guy scoring on an 87 yard tipped ball? That sucks. It was nice to see Ocho put up some solid numbers though. Kiss the baby.

2. Arizona Cardinals
I hate to toot my own horn (no, I don't) but I am going to be right on this one. The Cards are going to fail and fail hard this season. They lose a home game to my 49ers (suck on that, Jesse) and their leading WR was Tim Hightower. Kurt Warner looked like the Todd Boeckman Statue of Doom. I'm telling you, I have a bad feeling about these guys. Singletary rules and their defense is a bitch.

1b. Jay Cutler
Wow, that was just terrible. America's least favorite retard just proved Josh McDaniels right. What in the bloody Hell was even thinking on most of those throws? Does he just assume that he can throw the ball through the defense? Awful. Sorry, Bears fans, he's worse than Erik Kramer.

1a. Jake Delhomme
Jesus does this guy still have a job? He has now turned the ball over TWELVE times in the last SIX quarters that he has played. How is that even possible? I would bet my life that I would do better than that. And don't be fooled, don't be foolish...the Eagles were handed that game on a silver Goddamn platter. Let's see how they do next week when Drew Brees launches 4 TD's while Kevin Kolb is dishing out $5 footlong deepthroats in the parking lot. But back to Delhomme, he is definitely the worst QB to ever play in a Super Bowl. Even worse than Donovan McNabb and he threw up all over the field.

You know, the Panthers could potentially be a team picking in the top 5 next year. Their backup QB is one of the McCown shitheads. Damn, John Fox is going to get fired, too. That sucks. At least Dan Snyder will have his pick of the litter this February after he sends Jim Zorn his severance package.

The Cock-Gagging In Columbus

Wellity, wellity, wellity...the icon, Pete Carroll, came into central Ohio riding his white horse from the heavens representing all that is good and right, and left central Ohio still a shining beacon of excellence. Ugh, I don't like complimenting people but I give PC his props. That man knows what he's doing and he's the fucking best at it. But seriously, that game was horse shit. Fucking boring ass football. The quarterback play on both sides was garbage for the most part. I give Buckeye fans a bit of credit as that stadium seemed to be rocking. But enough praise, I've got a job to do here. We need to highlight a few things and have a grown-up discussion. As much as I would like to, I'm not going to sit here, point my finger at Buckeye Nation, and say that you all deserve to be humiliated like the dickless queers that you are. I'm not going to do that. But we do need to review three points that stood out to me.

1. The Pryor man-crushes need to stop. Seriously. Knock it off now. It doesn't help him or anyone else when everyone makes him out to be the best when he has proven absolutely nothing. Make him earn the accolades. He has not accomplished ANYTHING yet. DO SOMETHING, YOU SHITHEAD!!! Yeah, he's fast as fuck and is the best athlete on the field almost every week. How about he starts playing like it? Other than last year's road game against an inferior Wisky team, when has he put a team on his back and willed them to a win? I can't remember any. Pryor still has not had that "signature" game that you fans can point to and say "that was the game when TP realized his potential". I'm still waiting for the prima donna to impress me. But that being said, it really isn't 100% his fault.

2. Jim Tressel needs to stop being a pussy. I am not surprised that Tressel gives money to the Republican Party because he coaches like the tightest conservative to ever coach. Like I said, he has a freak at QB yet refuses to unleash him. He is making his QB run HIS system as opposed to adapting his system to the talent that he has on the field. And that is flat out wrong. That is his biggest flaw yet his ego is too massive to change that. Joe Bauserman can hand the ball off to mediocre running backs. Why is Pryor not running the ball!!! Don't even get me started on the 4th down in the 2nd quarter. For the record, Petey Carroll goes for it on 4th from the one and scores. Tress has 4th and 1 from the 4 and kicks a FG. There is your fucking difference. Pussy. Make a fucking statement. So what if you fail...they get the ball inside the 5. Internally, I had a feeling that that would come back to haunt the Buckeyes. It did. And to you fans calling for his head, shame on you. Tressel has his shortcomings but who in the hell would you get to replace him should you get your way? Urban ain't coming and neither is Stoops or Carroll or Mike Haywood. This is going to confuse you, anOSU fans, but stop being retarded. Unless you are tired of 10-11 win seasons. And if that is the case, eat shit. Eat my shit, you greedy fuckers. My fucking team hasn't scored this year. It could be worse...a LOT worse.

3. Matt "Ramblin' Red" Barkley deserves all of the praise that he is getting. He really does. Ohio State fans on the radio today were trying to diminish what he did which is just flat out embarrassing. Sure, his numbers weren't the greatest and he made mistakes, but the kid just turned 19! It was his first college road game! The Shoe was a fucking asylum! He led his team 90+ yards on the last drive of the game to win a massive ass road game and kept the Trojans in the hunt for a national title game. That was extremely impressive. When the shit was on the line, he answered the fucking bell. And that is something that Pryor is still unable to do.

Please do not talk about Michigan today. I'm trying to get a separate post up on their redemption tomorrow. Buckeye/football fans, feel free to talk about the Cock-Gagging In Columbus in the comments. And do not be surprised if Toledo puts a scare into the Buckeyes on Saturday.

Friday, September 11, 2009


Well, we've got one NFL game in the books. Glad to have you back, best sport ever. Today, we talk about my conference preference, the National (outstanding look, there, Mr. Rodgers). Unlike baseball, the National is not the whipping boy to their American counterpart. In fact, the two (maybe 3) best divisions in football happen to reside in the NFC. While the AFC is extremely strong at the top, they also boast 4 of the 5 worst teams in the league. Now that that has been said less than eloquently, let's talk about the NFC. I said yesterday that I've got some wacky predictions in store for the Frank Caliendo conference and I wasn't lying. But then, after reading Simmons and Magary yesterday, our picks are relatively similar so I guess that I shouldn't be patting myself on the back too hard. I'm still a fucking idiot. It's just that now I have famous company. Oh, here is Mr. Ace's NFC picks from awhile ago. They still suck. He's so stupid that he thinks an Andy Reid coached team will win 14 only ONE season! Dipshit. Here are mine:

NFC West
1. 49ers 9-7
I really don't know why. Someone has to. They have a good defense, and solid running game, and an asshole coach who is not afraid to show you his asshole. That's my kind of guy. They sort of remind of last year's Dolphins team except that their GM doesn't have a 40 pound gunt.
2. Seahawks 7-9
This is being dubbed as a big comeback year for Matt Hasselbeck. Whatever. I would be more impressed if he killed his sister-in-law. Their running backs still blow. I still have no idea why Julius Jones is still in the league let alone a starter.
3. Cardinals 6-10
For the most part, the teams that lose the previous year's Super Bowl have a God awful nightmare of a season the following year. Yeah, I'm betting that the same thing happens this year. After all, this is a horrendous franchise. Warner will get hurt and Leinart will suck. Beanie Wells will get hurt early and often. Why, Larry Fitzgerald's dad might not be able to sit in the press box and cover all of his son's games!!! The Cards missing the playoffs is a fucking lock...even in this division.
4. Rams 5-11
I really like Steve Spagnuolo. I like him even more since he left New York. If you were wondering what ever happened to Kyle Boller, this is where he is now. Probably still haunting Brian Billick, too. And you just know that he's going to get some PT this year seeing as Marc Bulger is a pussy who spells Mark with a "c". The "c" stands for cunt by the way.

NFC South
1. Saints 11-5
This division is fucking retarded. The team that finishes last the previous year has won the division the next year for about ten straight seasons now. This means that it's the Saints turn. The offense can't be stopped unless Drew Brees' face-mole hair keeps growing, becomes a nuisance, and divides the locker room. It's happened before. I've seen it.
2. Falcons 8-8
The schedule isn't so fucking soft this year, Matty Ice. I can't stress this enough, the Falcons defense is terrible. That secondary might be the worst ever assembled. Ron Santo could burn the Falcons deep. Atlanta's coach grills tofu...what a homo.
3. Panthers 7-9
They are solid everywhere but at QB in which they are the complete opposite of solid. What would that be anyway? We'll go with Sunday Morning Diarrhea. Jake Delhomme is the NFL's version of hangover popcorn shrimp shit. Can anyone confirm that Chris Gamble still has crack eyes?
4. Buccaneers 4-12
I know nothing about this team other than that they suck, they traded for Kellen Winslow, they suck, they already fired the OC that their new coach hired, their starting QB is Byron Leftwich, and they suck. GO BACK TO THE ORANGE AND RED UNI'S, FUCKERS!!!

NFC North (or NORRIS! if you think Chris Berman is still funny)
1. Packers 12-4
This team is really good. REALLY good. The sad thing is that their fans don't deserve it. STOP LIKING BRETT FAVRE. Jesus Christ already. And speaking of too much cheese, how fucking awful are those new Pizza Hut commercials with Jim Breuer screaming "JACKPOT" all the time? An extra cheese ring...brilliant! What a jackpot idea. Breuer should kill his agent and then himself. Wisconsin: where hearts and dreams go to die.
2. Bears 11-5*
I was sour on these guys until I saw them play in the preseason. Then I sweetened! They have the chance to be really good in spite of their QB having Down's Syndrome. I'm not going all insane and picking a team that still can't stop a good passing attack to win the NFC (Peter King), but I think that they are a playoff team. Remember what I said yesterday, they play the easiest schedule in the league.
3. Vikings 8-8
This has disaster written all over it. When you combine a lame duck/dick coach with an old fuck QB coming off a season when he lead the league in picks and now says he may not play everyday like he's Roger fucking Clemens, I'm selling this team big time. Brett fucking Favre has not lead a team to a Super Bowl in over a fucking decade...why would he now when he is fucking terrible???
4. Lions 3-13
Restore the roar, motherfucker. Slowly but surely. May the Schwartz be with you. They will beat the Browns by 40 points.

NFC East
1. Giants 10-6
This has to be the weakest NFC East that I can remember. Every single team has MASSIVE flaws. I'm picking the Giants to win because they have the best defense and running game combo. That's it. I don't care if their QB is the worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl (he's worse than Dilfer), they are going to the playoffs.
2. Redskins 9-7*
If you are looking for potentially this year's Titans, here is your team. They aren't flashy, no one gives them a chance, solid running game, and a bitch of a defense = sleeper team. If Jason Campbell is just decent (ie. averages 20 ppg), they can win 9-10 games with that schedule. Don't believe me? They play 4 of the 5 worst teams from last year PLUS the AFC West PLUS they play San Diego in week 17 when they will be resting everyone. Things sort of set up nicely for them. I expect a playoff appearance.
3. Eagles 8-8
All of those experts are sort of jumping off of the Philly bandwagon now that they see that the offense has no identity and the defense could be terrible this season. Not a good preseason for the Iggles and I expect the Vick signing to bring nothing but bad to them this season. What is the over/under for when McNabb gets benched? Week 6? Oh, I'm sure that Mr. Ace will pop his disgusting cakefart head in on this topic and remind us that they will be fine.
4. Cowboys 7-9
This team is an enigma. I could see them being anywhere from a 9 to a 5 win team. Either way, Wade Phillips is getting canned. And so should Jason Garrett. That little ginger rat fucking sucks. But he's not as bad at his job as Jerry Jones. That guy is a fucking loser. Fuck him and his giant videoboard. Yes, I honestly believe that on the day that he is finally cast back to Hell, I will laugh. The entire city of Dallas could use an enema.

Wild Card Round: Bears over 49ers, Redskins over Giants
Whatever the next round is called: Packers over Redskins, Saints over Bears
NFC Title: Packers over Saints
SUPER BOWL: Steelers over Packers - just because I'm tired of hearing dickbag Steelers fans refer to their city as "Sixburgh". If they win #7, those people are too stupid to come up with something clever for 7.

Yeah, I picked a repeat champ. Big fucking whoop. I don't particularly care about individual awards so I'm not going to pick those. If you've got a problem with that, I'm going to stuff an extra ring of cheese up your dickhole. JACKPOT!!! Back on Monday to discuss USC demolishing Buckeye Nation and other pro football-related tomfoolery.

Terrelle Pryor, Defend Yourself

MR. ACE: Well hello there, Mr. Pryor. So good to see you. I'm glad you could take some time out of your busy schedule to speak with me.
Terrelle Pryor: What up, Ace? What you talkin' about busy schedule? I've been sitting in my room all day playin' Madden and listening to Soulja Boy.
ME: Soulja Boy is gayer than Uncle Tim's dick. You know you have a pretty big game this Saturday, right?
TP: So. When the game rolls around I just tell the coach to put the ball in my hands and get the fuck out of the way.
ME: You are my hero.
TP: I am everybody's hero.

ME: So you made a pretty controversial decision this past weekend. What made you decide to do that?
TP: Look, that girl was hurtin' for a squirtin' and I just had to give it to her. I'm TP, I know she wanted it.
ME: ....Uhh, what the fuck are you talking about? Did you rape somebody this weekend?
TP: Hell no. TP don't rape. No means yes, mothafucka.
ME: You are my favorite Fuckeye quarterback ever.
TP: Because I'm the best Fuckeye ever. Fuck Archie Griffin.
ME: Fuck Archie Griffin, indeed.

ME: Anyways, why did you decide to show support to Vick by writing "Mika Vick" on your eye black?
TP: Vick was my childhood idol. He's the reason I became a quarterback. He deserves a second chance.
ME: Well thats great bu--
TP: And I fucking hate dogs.
ME: Are you serious?
TP: Yes. Once a week a go and "adopt" a dog from the pound and go straight to the freeway to let it lose and watch it get vaporized by a Mack truck.
ME: What the fuck is wrong with you?
TP: That shit is fun to me.
ME: So you are supporting Vick because you envy him for strangling, drowning, and electrocuting dogs?
TP: Hell yeah. My dick's getting hard just thinking about it.

ME: And what about your quote, "Not everybody's the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever," why did you say that.
TP: I don't know. I was high.
ME: Meaning you were on a high after pulling out the victory or high because you were smoking PCP.
TP: PCP, it's a post-game tradition.
ME: Who the fuck brings in PCP for the post-game?
TP: My boy, Jamaal Berry. That dude has some of the best shit ever, he will be taking over Columbus by the time he gets kicked off the team next year.
ME: Does Tressel know about this?
TP: Hell yeah he knows. He is always buggin' us like he is a crackhead after the game. "Let me have some," "Just give me one hit," or "I'll suck your dick."

ME: So why did you decide to be a Fuckeye? They don't exactly have a remarkable reputation for turning out top quarterbacks.
TP: Honestly, I was all set to make my way to Ann Arbor and then I got a phone call that changed my life.
ME: And...
TP: Maurice Clarett called me and said I would be stupid to go anywhere but anOSU.
ME: Maurice Clarett chose what school you were going to?
TP: Yeah, he is really insightful. He inspired me.
ME: He inspired you to do what? Be a fuck-up? Slam Greygoose?
TP: He inspired me to do whatever the fuck I want in Columbus. Do you understand how huge I am here? I can do anything I want. I just got done banging Tressel's daughter's before I came here. I might go butt fuck the mayor if I feel like it. I might tell him to tickle my sack with his 'stache.
ME: You should totally butt fuck the mayor.
TP: I will. And then I will throw it inside Tressel's mouth and tell him to call me Troy Smith.
ME: Whatever.

ME: Well Terrelle, this was a great interview. I really appreciate you taking time away from preparing to get your dicks beat in by USC to speak with me.
TP: What are you talking about? South Carolina is fucking terrible. We will beat those bitches by at least ten touchdowns.
ME: play the REAL USC. Southern Cal. The team that rolled you last year in L.A.
TP: Oh shit. Are you serious? I gotta go. I gotta make a phone call.
ME: Dude, the game is tomorrow, who the fuck are you calling?
TP: I gotta call up Schlichter and tell him to put my money on the Trojans.
ME: Art fucking Schlichter is your bookie?
TP: Hell yeah, Clarett hooked me up with him. OSU's number one program is being a con-artist.
ME: Dammit Terrelle, you are the greatest fuckeye ever. I love you.
TP: I love you too man, no homo. And tell Dustin to stay the fuck out my face.
ME: Will do. God speed.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Can you feel it? The fucking NFL is officially back! No more wasting time talking about Joe Mauer! Or boring ass college football games! Or pseudo-sports like tennis! The greatest sport on the planet kicks off tonight and I've got it all covered for you (not sure what that means). When I was on my marriage-induced blogging vacation, Mr. Ace unveiled his predictions for the 2009-10 NFL season. No one cared and they were not even close to being officially licensed by this site. We did not back them up at all. Over the next two days, the REAL (bad) predictions will be unleashed like Damman at a fat chicks convention. Since the two best teams from the AFC kick off the season tonight, we'll start with the AFC predictions today with the superior conference coming tomorrow. (FYI, I'm picking records, too. They will not equal out in the end so eat shit). Let's go:

AFC East
1. Patriots 14-2
Their defense may be below average (Shawn Springs sucks) and their starting tackle may be a drug narc (Toledo's own, Nick Kaczur!), but the Pats could win this division playing only 5 guys at a time. I expect, as long as Brady stays healthy, a similar season as 2 years ago when they destroyed everything in their path.
2. Dolphins 6-10
They aren't that good. They weren't last year. Good things happen when you have the worst schedule in the league (fyi, statistically, that honor goes to the Bears this year). Chad Pennington sucks. You know what's strange? I grew up in bumfuck northwest Ohio yet know two people that root for the Dolphins. What is that all about? They probably fuck.
3. Jets 5-11
I miss Buddy Ryan. I miss the threat of seeing a coach-on-coach brawl on the sidelines. I guess I'll have to settle for his son who does feature an incredible amount of creepy facial expressions. This team will be awful. Mark Sanchez is not Matty Ice or Flacco. He isn't even white!
4. Bills 3-13
Three wins may be three too many. They have a terrible offensive line, just fired their OC because "the schemes weren't simple enough", and they are coached by an idiot. T.O. is going to end up committing suicide (successfully this time).

AFC North
1. Ravens 11-5
They may be more boring than five minutes of Grey's Anatomy, but I have a feeling that this team was no fluke. I like Ray Rice. Flacco seems to be relatively legit. John Harbaugh went to Miami University fer Chrissake! They'll get the monkey off of their back and beat the Steelers once this year and somehow win a tie-breaker for the division. Ray Lewis will surely do his fag dance.
2. Steelers 11-5*
It's the same damn team that they had last season except some old fuck LB is gone. They will be fine. They'll be on the receiving end of a few bad breaks though during the regular season which will force them to be a wild card team. It doesn't matter though. When you have an ELITE QB on your side, road playoff games don't mean shit.
3. Bengals 7-9
They will be better. They aren't a contender (and probably never will be with Mike Brown pinching pennies) but I have much more respect for the players and coaches due to Hard Knocks. If you want a tutorial on how NOT to run a business, look at the Bengals. By the way, Hard Knocks has been outstanding. Chris Henry wants to impregnate your baby.
4. Browns 1-15
The Raiders at home...week 16. There is your only win. Yep, you will be the first Lions win of the year, too. This entire franchise is an embarrassment. Oh, the Savage/Romeo era was a complete and utter failure but let's do the exact same damn hiring process for their replacements!!! The "Ravens front office/Belichick assistant" tree didn't work the first time and it won't work this time either. Shaun Rogers and Joe Thomas deserve better than this. Can Brady Quinn even throw a ball further than 15 yards?

AFC South
1. Titans 9-7
When you play great defense, have a great o-line, and can run the shit out of the ball, you are going to win games. People will write off Kerry Collins again and they will be wrong again. He will get them to the playoffs by not making mistakes. Jeff Fisher teams don't make mistakes. Well, except when they choose Iranian mistresses.
2. Colts 9-7*
I really don't like the Colts this year. Bob Sanders might not even play and we all know that for some reason they don't stop ANYONE without him. They'll make the playoffs eventhough they no longer have their racist bigot of a coach. Whatever, this team is on the downslope. Insert random James Dungy joke.
3. Texans 8-8
Everyone thinks that they get over the hump this season. That is stupid. You do realize that this team is one Matt Schaub injury (which is only a matter of time) away from being REX GROSSMAN'S TEAM!!! Even if Schaub only misses 4 games (which they will lose all of them), this isn't a playoff team. Will be a fun team to watch, but not a winner.
4. Jaguars 6-10
You don't understand how much I wanted to pick the Jags to win this division. I really did. But I picked them to be in the Super Bowl last year and completely fucked me. Now, they must be punished even more than living in north Florida. The defense is pretty soft but Torry Holt should be a nice addition.

AFC West
1. Chargers 10-6
Does anyone take worse pictures than Philly Rivers? Dude has about 400 pics alone that have made me laugh. SD's schedule is tough (outside of the 6 guaranteed wins in their division) but they could forfeit games and still lock this bitch up in October.
2. Raiders 5-11
Oh boy. Al Davis makes Mike Brown look like Dan Rooney.
3. Broncos 4-12
I hope Josh McDaniels is renting. I would fire him before the season starts. Just an awful job from day one on the job. Does anyone think that maybe, just maybe, Brandon Marshall was dropping passes on purpose in practice as a tribute to Braylon Edwards???
4. Chiefs 2-14
Am I the only one who thinks that Matt Cassel sucks and the Chiefs are fucking nuts for giving him all that money? They are rebuilding though so I'll give them a bit of a pass. Just as long as they know their role and get smoked by the Skins in a few weeks.

Wildcard Round: Steelers over Titans, Chargers over Colts
Whatever the next round is called: Steelers over Ravens, Patriots over Chargers
AFC Title: Steelers over Patriots

Dude, the Steelers are the exact same team that they were last year that no one in the AFC could touch. Why would you possibly bet against them doing the same thing? They go back to the Super Bowl. Now watch, half of their starters will get hurt tonight. By the way, expect some insanity tomorrow. You know how they say that half of the teams that make the playoffs the year before will miss it the following season? Well, I have 5 of the 6 from last year returning to the AFC playoffs meaning 5 of the 6 in the other league will be newbies. Back with the NFC in the morning. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WHEN YOU SHOULD BE TAILGATING FOR TONIGHT'S GAME, ASSHOLE!!!