Friday, January 30, 2009

More Like The Sub-Par Bowl, Am I Right? High Five!

I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog's creation. This is the third year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure out how Sunday's game will shake out. Two years ago, I successully predicted a Colts win and cover. Last year, the numbers favored the Patriots but without covering. So to sum up, we've nailed it ATS the past two seasons. And I expect more of the same this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. I know who I think will win, but we need to process everything and determine if the system agrees with my assessment or not. That being said, I like Pittsburgh and I would lay the points. I still find this matchup to be dull and we have serious "49ers over Chargers" blowout potential. Who knows though, maybe it will be a nailbiter. But enough about what I think, let's analyze this thing:

QB - Kurt Warner continues to put Satan in his place. Big Ben may not be the prettiest QB around, but the guy is a winner. Warner has, at points in his career, backed up Trent Green, Eli Retard, and Matt Leinart. Ben backed up Tommy Maddox for a few games. In a close game, give me Roethlisberger. Steelers +2

RB - I think that both of these running games blow. Edge James? Willie Parker? Tim Hightower? Mewelde Moore? That's a real who's who of shitty fantasy running backs. I have a strange feeling that Parker wins the MVP trophy come Sunday night. But other than him, none of these guys are going to be big factors. Steelers +1

WR/TE - No one can stop Larry Fitzgerald. You could drop a nuclear bomb on his head and he would still come down with the football. Anquan Boldin sure has turned into a whiny malcontent, no? I think that Santonio Holmes could have a big game as long as he isn't too busy impregnating Tampa's Most Disgusting. Hines Ward smiles too much. I have a hunch that Heath Miller scores. Cardinals +3

OL - The Cards O-Line can't run block. The Steelers O-Line can't pass protect. These have to be the two worst offensive lines in the history of the Super Bowl, right? I give the nod to the line that doesn't enjoy watching their QB get destroyed. Cardinals +2

DL - I don't know much about the Cards D-Line except that Darnell Dockett likes to dance on Media Day. Casey Hampton eats everything in sight. Do you know who bothers me? Aaron Smith (pictured). Have you noticed that his helmet is always way too far up on his head? Drives me nuts. I don't know where I'm going with this. Steelers +2

LB - Not even close here. Woodley, Foote, Farrior and Harrison can not be stopped. Steelers +6

DB - This is a real toss-up. I like Adrian Wilson and Rodgers-Cromartie for Arizona. But I also think that Polamalu cancels them out. It comes down to who is more likely to get burnt deep. The answer is Pittsburgh. And I don't like Ryan Clark either, he didn't play this good in DC when the Skins had him. Shithead. Cardinals +1

K/P - Mitch Berger looks like a fetus. Jeff Reed looks like a gayer version of a gay troll doll. But he is fairly automatic. Probably more reliable than Neil Rackers. Steelers +2

Return Game - I can never figure out why Pittsburgh tends to have their worst and slowest players return kickoffs. It was Najeh Davenport then it was Gary Russell. Holmes has proven that he can break punts. But Breaston is scary every time he touches the ball. Cardinals +3

Coach - Mike Tomlin is one cool customer. I've ben referring to him as a "cool customer" for awhile now. I seriously love this guy. And how can you hate Dick LeBeau? The guy is 120 years old and still looks better than I do. Ken Whisenhunt does nothing for me. Steelers +4

City - Pittsburgh is arguably one of the worst places ever. Steel mills! Poverty! Iron City Light! Phoenix is supposedly the tits. Cardinals +5

Fans - For as stupid as Steelers fans are, you can't say that they aren't passionate. If they lose on Sunday, I expect at least 400 wives to get sent to Western PA emergency room's with crushed skulls. The Cardinals have no real fans because the organization made sure of that. Steelers +6

Celebrity Fans - Arizona has John McCain and Rays manager Joe Maddon. The Steelers have Arnold Palmer, Michael "Batman" Keaton, and Burt Reynolds (who for some reason took this photo). Steelers +2

Organization - The Rooney's are one of the great families in the history of the NFL. I like how they have kept the team within the family (for now) and help to promote minority hirings. The Bidwell's prefer to move the team around and not invest in scouting or free agents. Ugh, the Bidwell's don't deserve this. Steelers +4

Against The Spread - The numbers are similar here. The Steelers were 11-7 against the number this year while the Cardinals were 12-7. Two things to focus on: Pittsburgh has covered in 9 of the past 10 games. Arizona is only 4-5 against the spread on the road this season. With the line being the Steelers -7, I'm really not sure what to think. Go with the trends, I guess. Steelers +1

Add it up, bitch...

And The Money Shot's official prediction for Super Bowl XLIII (that's 43) is...Pittsburgh 28, Arizona 14. So take the Steelers and don't fear the points. The computer does not discriminate. The numbers and the system do not lie. Do you really think that Roger Goodell is going to let the Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl? Come on. Big Ben is named MVP, wins his second Super Bowl in his first 5 years, and people will still say that Carson Palmer is better with nothing to back that up. When it comes down to it, is one of the 3 worst organizations in football history going to defeat the best organization in NFL history? Surely, you jest. Don't believe the hype. The more physical team always wins.

No "worst of" column on Monday. Nope. I have the pleasure of being able to watch the Super Bowl by myself this year (nachos and Little Caesar's pizza do not count as people although they are two of my closest friends). I'm going to be doing a running journal instead (5 hours of writing down notes, sweet!). I did one for the final round of The Masters last Spring, I hope this one works out just as well. Enjoy the game. One for the other hand, Pittsburgh!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Recruiting Makes No Sense

I don't follow recuiting in college football. I have enough to worry about. It doesn't help that I find it pointless and retarded. I realize that it's a necessary evil because it helps restock the cupboards and all...I get that. I just don't understand how some idiot Notre Dame fan can say things like, "We've got this linebacker coming in from Texas who is going to be a stud". Well, genius, what are you basing this on? You have never seen this kid play before or have any idea if he has any work ethic. He may not even play if his grades suck. It's pretty much a crapshoot and I don't waste my time on it. And I think that people who do, are losers (I'm looking at you,

On Tuesday, this apparently awesome QB from Virginia named Tajh Boyd verbally committed to Clemson. In case you don't care, he had his destinations narrowed down to the Tigers, Ohio State, and Oregon. But it got me wondering. Like I said, I don't claim to know anything about the recruiting process at all. Once the last bowl game is played, I don't pay attention again until Labor Day. But there are two big questions that I would like to get answered. So help me out with this:

Why wouldn't every blue chip recruit go to Oregon?
-Let's be honest, if you are a stud, college is supposed to only be a roadblock on your way to millions in the NFL. Sure, winning is nice, but I've got to think that deep down you are busting your ass for the chance to play on Sundays. As a stud, you probably need to think of college as a business opportunity where you kill yourself day in and day out for the chance to get "promoted". So why aren't more kids flocking to Oregon? That is Nike University. If you have dreams of playing in the NFL, I would think that you would want to be as close to and familiar with Nike as possible. The Ducks have been a top 25 program year after year but with Phil Knight giving them whatever they want, shouldn't they be in the top 5 every season? They've got to have the best facilities ever, right? So why is it that Mike Bellotti can not load up on blue-chippers every offseason? I don't understand these things. I know that if somehow lightning strikes and my demon spawn has a chance to play in the pros some day, I would want him to head to Eugene so that, in 4 years, dad can never have to worry about working again.

Why would any big QB prospect, take Boyd for example, go to Ohio State?
-In Ohio State's rich history, the best QB that they have produced is Mike Tomczak. This can not be argued. That is the pathetic truth. Ohio State is one of the best football factories going, yet they have no idea how to produce NFL quarterbacks. And don't forget about Jim Tressel. He's coached plenty of QB's over his coaching career and you can count on zero fingers how many first day draft picks he had a hand in. This is not an indictment of Ohio State's program or Tressel's coaching either. It's just an open-ended question trying to figure out why any hot shot QB would commit to playing in Columbus. Like I was saying about Oregon, this is a business to grow into a professional. Winning in somebody's system is great and all (ask Danny Wuerrful and Jason White) but if I have the chance to play on Sundays, I'm going where there's a coach that can get me to where I want to end up (see: Tedford, Jeff or Carroll, Pete).

Like I keep saying, I don't get this stuff. I know that some of you who visit daily do follow recruiting and can answer some of these things. I'm waiting. I'll be back tomorrow with my Super Bowl bad prediction.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: The DJ

Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around today thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with having a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about.

First things first on the new feature, "Groom Knows Dick": The DJ

So apparently, hiring a DJ is one of my few jobs to accomplish. That's fine. It's something that I wanted to make sure was my responsibility anyway (if the guy even brings Hang On, Sloopy with him, he isn't getting paid). I was in a couple of weddings a few years back and both receptions had the same guy. They recommended him and gave me his phone number.

I call him. I call him. I call him. I call one of the guy's that recommended him and he said, "I'm pretty sure that he has a website. Isn't it a law that all DJ's have to have a website?" This may have been the dumbest thing that I've ever heard. The issue with this guy is that he is supposed to be running a fucking business yet doesn't answer his fucking phone and doesn't even have fucking voicemail or an answering machine! This song and dance (no pun intended) went on for two weeks. I would call. He wouldn't answer. I ended up hearing from a friend who talked to her aunt who knows his mom or something that he was booked that day. Whatever, fuck that guy. He can be the last asshole to suck my cock before I get married.

Now, I'm out on Saturday and run into a couple that are getting married in the same town two weeks before we are. I asked them if they had hired a DJ yet (because we still haven't). Guess who they fucking hired? That's right. I'm not mad that they hired him, I'm mad BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD TO CALL HIM ONCE TO GET HIM TO FUCKING ANSWER THE PHONE! Get ready, DJ, because when I'm at that reception and have my blood replaced with 7/7's and gravy, I'm going to shove a rotary phone up your pee-hole.

But, we think we've found someone now. She$'s mom found this guy that sounds pretty good. According to her (future in-law), "They offer only clean music. None of the raunchy music with the bad words." I have been to many weddings in my life and I have yet to hear 2 Live Crew or NWA. That quote killed me.

Here is my final problem with the DJ process. For being nothing more than an I-pod that breathes, they sure do cost a lot of money. We're talking anywhere from $100-150/hour. What the fuck? And people think that Rob Blagojevich and Kwame Kilpatrick are crooked! For that much money, he should be taking his clothes off. Not that I want to see that, but he should at least be earning his ridiculous pay. We're pretty much paying $20 to hear Pour Some Sugar On Me and Cracklin' Rosie. Disgusting.

I'll say it again, everything about planning a wedding sucks balls. Everything costs 4 times more than it should and the expenses don't stop. Believe me, I've got plenty more to bitch about. And you will read every word of it, too. August 1st can't come soon enough.

The LeBomb James

If you've been reading this site for awhile, you may remember my ridiculously disgusting attempt at this in 2007. OK. So during the Cavs run to the Finals that summer, I had heard rumblings that there was a shot that was invented called a "LeBomb James". The only problem was that no one that I knew had any idea what it was or what was in it. During game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals when Boobie Gibson was sending the Pistons home with 3 after 3 after Rasheed Wallace ejection, I was fucking rocked.

Sensing the impending conference championship (and opportunity to get swept by the Spurs), I approached the subject with the roommate, who was sitting next to me at the bar where sometimes there is human shit on the floor, fending off my slurred speech featuring spittle. It was something along the lines of, "adshg vaft dude, we've got to come up with some sort of Cavs shot difahbvandtgf."

The first thought was since the Cavaliers' colors are wine and gold, we should combine the two. I asked the bartender for a shot with half Merlot and half Goldschlager. Thankfully, that bar does not have wine because I would have projectile vomited all over that dump. I think that we ended up just doing a shot of JAMESon in celebration.

But worry no more. Over the weekend, I was watching LeBron and the Cavs kill Kosta Koufos's Jazz at said bar. I was told on Saturday night exactly what constitutes a LeBomb James:

Crown Royal
Splash of Red Bull
Packet of sugar

You do the shot. You open the packet of sugar and dump it in your hands. You throw the sugar in the air. Brilliant. I now know what I'm puking off of this June when the Cavs win the NBA title. LeBomb James, bitch.

With today and yesterday's posts, I'm beginning to think that this blog may need an intervention.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Greatest Game Ever Played

I have very, VERY little respect for Ohio State fans. Every single one of their football supporters are assholes but come basketball season, the good ones tend to surface a bit more. Maybe it's because they don't feel some sort of misguided sense of entitlement? Whatever it is, I can freely admit that there are some Ohio State hoops fans that I respect. And on this Guest Post Tuesday, it's time for Damman to explain why. Now I have never played this game myself, but I've seen it done numerous times and, believe me, don't knock it until you've tried it. This game could make Andre The Giant buzzed. It's all yours, D, tell us about your legendary game:

The Buckeye Basketball Drinking Game (BBDG)

The game was created during the 1999-2000 season by the Red Head (one of the best men in my wedding). He created it so his roommate, who was not interested in watching basketball at all, would watch the games with him. But, I think he created it as an excuse to drink, with him being a juicer and all. It has since grown to become hugely (I don't think that that is a word) popular, at least to those who call Northwest Ohio home.

Supplies needed:
1. Double shot glass. The game can be played with a single shot glass, but it is much easier to play with a double shot glass as you will be doing a lot more pouring with a single shot glass and that can take focus away from the game/drinking.
2. 12 pack of bottled beer. You will drink at least 8 beers during the course of the game. I have never drank more than 12, so 12 is a safe number. Also, canned beer is damn near impossible to pour into a shotglass, so canned beer is definitely not recommended.
3. Paper towels. This game gets messy. Pouring beer into a shot glass is not an easy thing to do especially when drunk, so you will have some overflows and you will need to rest your shot glass on a folded up paper towel. I feel that folding one square four times works very well at absorbing the overflows that are sure to come.

Game Rules: All of the following constitute doing a double shot of beer:
1. When the game comes on the air.
2. Every timeout that goes to a commercial, this includes TV timeouts and before the game starts.
3. If OSU wins the tip.
4. Every three pointer made be OSU.
5. When certain Buckeyes are at the free throw line. At the start of the season we usually pick three players that are good free throw shooters and make them our Automatic Double Shot Players. When these players go to the line for two shots, a one and one, or three point play free throw, it's an automatic double shot. Now if one of these players starts to suck at free throws they can have this privilege revoked and we would choose another player that would take their place.
6. When OSU blocks a shot. Otherwise known as the Ken Johnson Rule, it was instituted during his career due to his brilliance at blocking shots.
7. When an OSU player takes a charge.
8. A dunk by an OSU player.
9. A great play by an OSU player. This is a heat of the moment decision by those who are playing the game to decide if the play was double shot worthy. (Editor's note: when this happens, it is quite amusing. You have one guy screaming, "THAT'S A DOUBLE SHOT!" followed by everyone else enthusiastically agreeing.)

-All of the following constitute a single shot of beer:
1. A timeout that does not go to commercial.
2. A two point basket or made free throw. In the case of free throws we usually wait until both are attempted so we can just do a double shot if he makes them both or a single shot if he only makes one.

1. At halftime you must do 5 double shots. This can be done all at once or spread out over the course of halftime, as long as they are done before the 2nd half starts.
2. Double Double shots. Double Double shots are done when something strange or crazy happens to benefit the Buckeyes, like when an awful player does something good. This rule first came about when Brandon Fuss-Cheetam played for the Buckeyes. He might have been the worst shooter in basketball history. And he was a guard! Well, whenever he made a three pointer (which was like 6 times in his career) we decided that was worth 2 double shots. From then on, whenever a terrible player does something good, like Charles Bass banking in that free throw against MSU in the Big 10 tourney a few years ago, we do a double double shot. On this year's team, P.J. Hill would be our double double shot guy.
3. After a win you must do 6 double shots within 20 minutes of the game ending. After a loss it's only 3 double shots. (Ed. note: This is the only rule that I disagree with. You should punish yourself after a loss because it was YOUR fault! I think they should sub 3 doubles with 10 doubles as a way of drowning their sorrows).
4. Random double and single shots take place over the course of game at the discretion of the players.

That's pretty much it. This game will kick your ass. The game continues to evolve as new rules and tweaks to old rules have taken place over the years. It is a fun game and I encourage all of you to play along with your favorite team.

Thanks, D. When I was in school, I tried to start something like this myself for RedHawks games. The only problem was that we were on TV about once a month. But if you ever want to play "Charlie Coles: The Drinking Game". the rules are quite simple. Every time that the RedHawks are on TV, you drink as mush as humanly possible. Every time they show Charlie Coles on TV, you drink twice as much as humanly possible. Needless to say, I wasn't really dedicated to making that game last.

Monday, January 26, 2009

It's Never Too Early

So I'm kind of confused. I've been talking about the NFL every Monday for the past 5 months yet there were no games played this weekend. What the fuck am I supposed to do today? I thought about unleashing an extremely well-written guest post by Damman, but I'm bringing that one out tomorrow to blow all of your minds. No, instead, I figured on staying the course. We're still going to talk about the NFL today. In fact, we're going to look ahead (this is not another "In The Year 2009" post).

What is the first thing that pops in your head when you look at your calendar and see that today is January 26? Super Bowl? Nah. Pro Bowl? No. Herm Edwards finally getting fired? As glorious as that news was, niet. As the title of this post says, it's never too think about your 2009 fantasy football drafts!!! I don't know about you, but I've been done with my leagues for almost a month now and I'm already foaming at the mouth to get back at it next year. So for today, I've already compiled my 2009 big board. I take part in 12 team leagues thus the Top 12 rankings. Consider me your God because I'm giving you some necessary info so early to try and help you idiots actually succeed.

Before we get started, let's take a moment of silence for Frank Gore and Larry Johnson who are no longer first round draft picks. Way to kill every team you guys were on last year, dickheads.

1. Adrian Peterson - This is a fucking no-brainer. This past year, many debated over Tomlinson or Brady at #1...don't worry. If you draw #1 this year in your league, it's a simple decision. You take Purple Jesus and hope that Romo, Manning, or a healthy Brady fall in your lap at pick #24.

2. Brandon Jacobs - He's the toughest guy to tackle in the league. He scores a lot. He's had a bit of a durability issue in the past but injuries are always going to be a risk with running backs. I like him this high for two reasons: he gets all the goalline carries and Derrick Ward is going to be gone (overpaid as a free agent, likely by an Ohio team).

3. Michael Turner - I've always been a believer that pick #3 is the worst pick in a draft because it is usually a reach for whoever you take. But the Falcons are a run-first offense that doesn't give Norwood goalline carries. Now, I don't expect the Falcons to have a very good record next season, but they will be able to run the ball.

4. Brian Westbrook - If he wasn't such a pussy, I would have him at 2. But he is, so he's a good bargain at 4. He scores in bunches meaning that you can't pencil in a td every week. Westbrook can get you 3 TD's one week and nothing the next two. It's the price you pay with him.

5. Drew Brees - Unless he was drafted by a God awful GM, every Brees owner made their playoffs this past year. There is no reason to think that his production drops off. Barring some catastrophic injury, Brees is going to get you at least 32 touchdown passes this year. For God's sake, he turned Lance Moore into a viable WR option in fantasy leagues.

6. DeAngelo Williams - Buyer beware here. A guy that scored 22 touchdowns last year can't slip farther than 6 but proceed with caution. Jonathan Stewart is going to steal goalline touches. I really like Williams but probably wouldn't touch him for a few picks. But then again, the Panthers can't throw the ball so maybe this is the right slot for him after all.

7. Larry Fitzgerald - This is about the time when the running backs look less and less appealing and it's time to hop on the best WR. If there was any doubt that Fitzgerald wasn't the best WR in the league, that argument ended over the past month.

8. Marion Barber III - He got hurt last year and his team turned into a fucking circus. He isn't losing anything and even with Felix Jones coming back, Barber is getting red zone carries. As much as we all hate the Cowboys, they can score points and are great to have on your team.

9. Steven Jackson - The hiring of Steve Spagnuolo is a good thing for Jackson owners. The Rams, I've got to think, are going to be using the Giants blueprint of smashmouth football with safe passes. As long as Jackson can stay healthy (which is a huge wildcard), he could be primed for his best season yet.

10. LaDainian Tomlinson - I didn't forget about him. I just have no faith in him anymore as a top tier running back. Don't worry, some idiot in your league will take him in the top 3 but this is about the right slot these days. He's just not the same and he hasn't been for two years. There is some high reward potential for LT here, but I wouldn't be excited about having him on your team.

11. Chris Johnson - I love this kid. We all saw in the playoffs that LenDale White is fucking horrible. Why would you pass on a kid that still has a lot of hits left in his body playing behind a mauling O-Line? Shit, on draft day, I may talk myself into taking CJ in the top 5.

12. Joseph Addai - I don't like him at all because he can't stay on the field. The only thing that he does have going for him over Portis, Lynch, and Forte is that his team is going to score. And by default, he's going to get some touchdowns.

What do you think? The only non-RB's deserving first round drafts are Brees and Fitzgerald in my opinion. The only thing that I don't like is Tomlinson. If you do take him with your first pick, you better make damn sure that your next two picks are home runs. Damn, I can't wait until my drafts in August. Anyway, as I said at the beginning, tomorrow Damman is going to drop some knowledge on you. Be prepared. You may need at least a case of beer to get through that post.

Burning Bridges 101

I like Joe Torre. He's a classy guy that does things the right way. Torre isn't the best in-game manager in baseball but he knows how to deal with egos (which is half the battle these fdays). He made a career in New York doing such. Look, when the Yankees hired him in 1996, if you remember, EVERYONE was spellbound by the decision. But the Yankees believed in him and he rewarded the franchise with 4 titles in his decade-plus tenure in the Bronx. After the 2007 season, it was time for both parties to move on. The act had gotten stale. It wasn't too ugly of a break-up but, as we know now, there were some hurt feelings.

In case you didn't see, Torre has collaborated on a new book with SI's Tom Verducci in which he tells his story about his time in New York. The two big nuggets coming out this weekend were that players referred to Baseball Jesus as "A-Fraud" behind his back and that Joe was upset when Brian Cashman didn't stand up for him. Basically, no one gives a shit. I heard Buster Olney on ESPN radio yesterday and he pretty much confirmed that this is all old news and not very important.

But that's what bothers me. It seems to me that Uncle Joe wrote this just to make a few extra bucks. It serves no purpose and there really is no story to be told here. Everyone knows that A-Rod isn't the greatest guy in the world and we all know that no one in the Yankees front office wanted Torre back. So why burn these bridges? It makes no sense and changes my opinion on Joe Torre the man.

The Yankees gave Joe Torre a chance and made him a superstar. He returned the favor by trying to drag the organization through the mud. Thanks, asshole.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The 2009 Tyler Hansbrough All-Stars

Yesterday, I unleashed The Chris Lofton All-Stars AKA my favorite players in college hoops. Today, turn about is fair play. I think we can all agree that Tyler Hansbrough is a sack of shit. He's allowed to travel every time he touches the ball and murders people in the paint without drawing barely any whistles. He just set the North Carolina record for career points eventhough he isn't even one of the ten best players to ever play in Chapel Hill. He's grossly overrated and will get his ass handed to him at the next level by losers like Aaron Gray and Spencer Hawes. Alright, G$, calm down. You know that you could go on for days about how much you hate Hansbrough. It's time to start acknowledging some other guys that are working their way up to Hansbrough's level.

So with that, The 2009 Tyler Hansbrough All-Stars!!!

The Starters:
Luke Harangody, Notre Dame - He was actually on the Lofton team last year but for the reasons that he was a favorite last year, I hate him this year. First of all, he looks like he smells. Secondly, he's a black hole. I bet he has 3 assists all season. And third, who gets Mono?

Jon Scheyer, Duke - He's a whiny bitch. If you don't like this pick, just substitute him with any other Blue Devil. I like my Jews good with numbers, not on the playing field!

Andy Rautins, Syracuse - Have you seen this guy? He features that faggy rooster-esque moussed up weave that is an abomination to all of mankind. He looks like the kind of guy that you know you would sucker punch after a bottle of El Toro.

Joe Krabbenhoft, Wisconsin - He's a grinder and all, but that doesn't mean that he's tolerable. When I played middle school hoops, I used to shoot a few free throws during pregame warm-ups. We had this guy that would, and I'm serious, block my practice free throw. It was one of the finest displays of douchebaggery ever seen. I bet that Krabbenhoft tries to block shots before games.

Lavance Fields, Pitt - This has to be his 12th year playing for the Panthers. I don't like fat point guards even though I was one myself. I hated Khalid El Amin so by rule, I have to hate Fields.

The Bench:
Nate Linhart, Akron - Take a look at this guy sometime. Calling him an abortion would be a compliment.

BJ Raymond, Xavier - He doesn't really do anything well other than premature balding. Shouldn't black guys just shave their head once they start looking like George Costanza?

Lee Cummard, BYU - This guy can shoot the lights out of the gym but he's the nerdiest baller of all time. I saw the Cougars play, I think, Arizona State earlier this year and I swear that Cummard drove to the game in a tractor.

Edgar Sosa, Louisville - You need a good point guard in March to be successful. Sosa is why I can't take the Cards seriously even with their massive amounts of NBA talent.

Tajuan Porter, Oregon - If I had to bet my life on a point guard to sprint up the court, shoot an off-balanced three with 30 seconds left on the shot clock, and finish the game 2-16 from downtown, I would take Porter any day. Needless to say, the Ducks are in last in the Pac-10.

Taylor Griffin, Oklahoma - Come on, bud. Your brother is a stud and the likely #1 pick in the Draft next year, how about stepping up your own game?

Austin Daye, Gonzaga - Daye is considered a top ten pick but his attitude worries me. Every time that I see the Zags, it feels like he's just mailing it in. Even if you suck, I can respect effort.

There you go. I think this is a pretty solid team to loathe. But then again, I'm just a hate monger that doesn't like anything. Have a good "no football" weekend. As for me, I'm picking out my tuxedo tomorrow. Jesus, this thing is actually happening...

Chicago Cubs: Now With 100% More Ricketts!

Big news out of baseball today that the Cubs have pretty much found themselves a new owner. It's about fucking time. It's being reported that the Ricketts Family will be taking over the reigns of the biggest losers in professional sports.

Upon hearing about this, my first reaction was, "Wow, my former high school Math teacher now owns a baseball team. Crazy!" But then I thought about it a little bit more and realized that nobody that runs the scoreboard at high school basketball games has the kind of coin to buy a team.

Oh well. At least it saves the Cubs and all of the employees under their umbrella from hearing the same tired Math-related jokes every day. Why was 6 afraid of 7, you ask? Because 7 8 9, bitch! Enjoy your loser team, Tom Ricketts. The Cubs have a better chance of dying from Ricketts than they do of winning a playoff series.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The 2009 Chris Lofton All-Stars

Before we get started today, let's give it up for the New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders! If you don't pay attention to low mid-major hoops or read The Mid-Majority, then you probably had no idea that NJIT hadn't won a game in over a year a half. But that streak is now over. With last night's triumph over Bryant, NJIT moves to a robust 1-17 on the season. Ironically, Bryant is coached by former Ohio's coach and certifiable idiot, Tim O' it all makes sense.

Anyway, ever since this blog's creation in the summer of 2006, we always professed our extreme man-crush for former Tennessee marksman, Chris Lofton. Lofton is gone now but his legacy will never be forgotten. And thus this year, we once again unleash my list of favorite players in college hoops AKA The Chris Lofton All-Stars. Obviously, I love Oklahoma's Blake Griffin, but he doesn't need the pub so he is off the list. Let's get this going:

First Team:
James Harden, Arizona State - Harden is just a beast. I've seen the Sun Devils a few times this year and he dominates inside and outside. His beard is also something to be reckoned with.

Terence Williams, Louisville - It feels like he's been there for about ten years now. By far the best athlete on the Cards and can do it all.

Lester Hudson, Tennessee-Martin - Last year, I had Rider's Jason Thompson on this list and he ended up getting drafted in the lottery. Hudson is my guy this year. I've seen him once on TV this year and it was enough to always keep my eye on him. He is a threat for a triple double EVERY night.

Jeff Teague, Wake Forest - I know that they lost last night and all, but Teague might be the best point guard in the country. Even better than Ty Lawson.

Jack McClinton, U of Miami - The guy is a great shooter and I love that he tried to punch former Buckeye, Anthony Crater, in the face. We all want to do that to a Buckeye, Jack.

The Bench:
Lawrence Westbrook, Minnesota - The heart and soul of the surprising Gophers.

Dionte Christmas, Temple - I love the last name and he can shoot from anywhere on the floor. Dionte may also be friends with Harry Dunn.

Cole Aldrich, Kansas - The Jayhawks aren't the same as they were last year, obviously, but Aldrich is a hoss in the paint. A real scrapper; the kind of guy that I like on my "team".

Jody Meeks, Kentucky - Did you see what he did to Tennessee last week? When you fill up the stat sheet for 54 points on the road, you've made the team.

Patrick Mills, St. Mary's - Other than Hudson, and unless you follow the WCC, this is the second best player that you've never heard of.

Tyler Dierkers, Miami U - A sentimental pick for me, but the kid is a grinder that makes good decisions. He's not a triple double threat, but he's an 8-8-8 threat every single game.

Chris Kramer, Purdue - The token hustler for this team. I had no idea how to fill the last slot so I just went with a guy that shows a ton of heart and plays great defense.

I honestly think that if I took this team to the Olympics (and was named coach, of course), I could lead them to the medal round. I'm serious. We would be a tough out. Anyway, tomorrow I'm unleashing the exact opposite of this team, The Tyler Hansbrough All-Stars. Get ready for some real sacks of shit, brah.

***One more thing, I'm writing this on Wednesday night and I just got back from Quaker Steak and Lube. It was the first time that I had ever been to one. Damn, those were some kickass wings. I put them at #2 behind Winking Lizard for best wings ever. The Winking Lizard in Bedford Heights just so happens to be one of Austin Carr's hangouts so you KNOW that they're good.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Change Is A-Comin'

I'll admit it, I have been suffering from some Blogger's Block recently. As funny as it sounds, it is a very serious condition. This year alone, Blogger's Block has killed over 1,000 people. Check for yourself, go over to Beanie and Ace's sites. Those things have been dead for months...BAH-ZING!

Anyway, today I'm stealing an idea that was used over at The Big Picture yesterday. Don't worry, this has nothing to do with our new president, you cute little diehard Republicans that make this blog one of your daily stops. But the fact is, yesterday was the official beginning of "Change". Historically, it's a pretty big deal as everyone is saying. President Obama has stated his desire for a college football playoff before, and while it's adorable, it ain't fuckin' happening anytime soon. But what can we change in the sports landscape. More specifically, if I was given the controls to the ship, how would I change sports for the better? I'm glad that you didn't ask that question because I've thought long and hard about it.

Before we get started, I would not abandon the BCS. I would not change the NFL's overtime rule. I would not remove the herpes from Delonte West's mouth. So get over it. My goal is to make subtle changes that improve the game.

-Have you ever watched a game that Daisuke Matsuzaka pitches? Probably not because those games take 5 hours. He takes at least a minute in between each pitch. That is why I propose that if a pitcher takes longer than 20 seconds to start his motion toward the plate, an electric current goes shooting up his spine. And it gradually gets higher in voltage to the repeat offenders.
-Beer sales never stop. If people want to buy beers in the bottom of the 9th, respect the man and watch him chug it.
-If you foul off more than 5 pitches in an at-bat, you're out. Put the fucking ball in play and stop wasting my time.

The NFL:
-You can challenge one penalty per game. Not that a play should have had a penalty called, but on a bullshit pass interference or holding or something.
-The inadvertant whistle will be abolished to the delight of all.
-If a QB throws three interceptions in a game, he must be taken out for the remainder of the game.
-If a coach loses 5 challenges over the course of the year, he does not get any challenges for the rest of the season. Let's call this the Romeo Crennel Rule.
-No more touchdown/xp-commercial-kickoff-commercial!

College Football:
-The BCS is determined solely by computers. Humans are idiots, they shouldn't have a say that contradicts the numbers.
-Scholarships will be reduced by 5. Do you want more parity? Start spreading the wealth around a bit.
-Notre Dame has to join the Big Ten so they can be a normal conference with a championship game. This will prevent the Big Ten from getting two BCS losers each year.
-For that matter, the Big Ten should not be an automatic BCS conference until they earn our trust back.

-Each team should have to have one non-Euro white guy on the floor at all times. This will lead to more scoring because white people play no defense but are pretty good shooters.
-And the aforementioned white guys should wear the 80's short shorts.
-The Hack-A-Shaq tactic will be strictly enforced. You can use it ONCE. The next time, the fouling player gets ejected. It's a bush league move and cheapens the sport.
-Kevin McHale is not allowed to make any personnel moves ever.

College Hoops:
-Take note from the NBA and institute that semi-circle under the hoop where charges can't be called. It is such a great rule. It gives the referees one less thing to worry about.
-Get rid of Billy Packer--whoops, that's been done.
-Scrap the ACC/Big Ten challenge in favor of an ass-kicking ACC/Big East challenge.
-Ban zone defense. It is cowardly. These guys are athletes...they can play man-to-man. Quit being lazy, dammit.

Well, that's what I have for the 5 sports that I really care about. As you can see, I would bring some fantastic changes. I should run for President...but then again, I don't need people digging up college stories that involved drinking bottles of El Toro tequila. Just thinking about that shit makes me want to vomit. I will be taking your suggestions for change in the comments and rule on them individually. You will either get a "Good Idea" or a "Quit Being A Fucking 'Tard". Choose your thoughts carefully.

You're The Best Around

Nothing's ever gonna keep you down!

Congratulations go out to Miami University men's basketball coach (and my favorite person ever), Charlie Coles, for becoming Miami's all-time leader in victories! 217 wins and counting for one of the most charismatic people in all of college sports. The guy does everything the right way by emphasizing defense and fundamentals first.

In his normal self-deprecating style (after win #216 on Saturday), Charlie said something along the lines of, "I'm like the running back that ran for 100 yards but needed 100 carries to get there." That makes very little sense but is awesome in every aspect. I can't think of anyone that better represents my alma mater. Charlie is a true class act.

Congrats again, Coach Coles! Now get this team back into the NCAA tournament where we belong.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Boys Will Be Boys

Last week, I finished "Boys Will Be Boys" by Jeff Pearlman. It's a 350+ page manifesto on the rise and fall of the 1990's Dallas Cowboys. I can't say this enough, but I fucking hated that team. Everything about them was annoying and the fact that they were so good only fueled my burning anger. Before I bought the book, I had heard the rumors that it was pretty graphic when it came to the details of how these guys lived their lives and, not only was I not disappointed, it exceeded my expectations. If the 1989-1998 Dallas Cowboys were a rock band, their Behind The Music episode would be 6 hours long.

Since I'm about 99% positive that my readers haven't read a book that they didn't have to in 10 years, I want to take today to drop some of my favorite nuggets from Boys Will Be Boys. And if you do read to, you know, learn things, I could not recommend this book anymore. These guys treated life like they were Motley fucking Crue.

*When Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys in the 80's and his first desire was to fire Tom Landry, he flew to Landry's ranch where he was pretty much told to get the fuck off of Landry's property.

*Jerry Jones used to make his private plane shake in flight because he was banging his mistress so hard in the back. He also would ask his employee's wives if they were wearing panties and that if she would give him 5 minutes, he would take her to heaven...right in front of their husbands who were, as I said, employed by Jones.

*Jimmy Johnson was a real hardass. He would cut guys for falling asleep in film, fumbling, and committing penalties. He also despised Jerry Jones.

*There was not one person in the Cowboys organization that was happy with Barry Switzer being named head coach. He used to show up to practices two hours late and reeking of alcohol.

*When Switzer was in college, his drunk mother asked him for forgiveness for being such a bad parent. He refused. A minute later, she SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD. How anyone can live through that is beyond me.

*At one time, Jimmy Johnson wanted to trade Troy Aikman and have Steve Walsh be his franchise QB. I wish he would have done this.

*Emmitt Smith is an egomaniac. He was one of those guys that wanted to win, but wanted to look good even more.

*Michael Irvin was the star of the book BY FAR. He never met a stripper that he wouldn't bang. And he was such a great teammate, that he would make players go to strip clubs with him and get them laid as well. Guys that had morals and did not take part in Irvin's shenanigans were ostracized in the locker room.

*In a game against the Redskins, Irvin announced before the game that he would be going after Darrell Green's broken arm. My blood boiled when I read that.

*Irvin set up "The White House". It was a house near their facilities that they used to do drugs and bang whores. The book states that many maids quit because that place was too disgusting. Rumor has it that Alvin Harper was the freakiest guy on the team. Thankfully, that rumor was not embellished.

*Nate Newton had weight clauses in his contract but never tried to meet them because he would rather be fat and happy than have the money. He was known to bring in a 60 piece bucket of chicken and eat well over half of it.

*Deion Sanders alienated the locker room more than anyone. He helped convince Barry Switzer that Troy Aikman was a racist. Which is funny.

*In 1994, Skip Bayless wrote a book and said that Troy Aikman was gay. He had no evidence at all, it was not true, and he never apologized for it. In case you were wondering, Skip Bayless is a sack of shit and has been for a long time.

*Charles Haley is the most bizarre person in the history of the world. After the Cowboys won their third Super Bowl they made the requisite trip to the White House (the real one). When President Clinton was shaking hands with the players, Clinton came to a rookie standing next to Haley. Haley leaned into Clinton and said something along the lines of, "don't shake his hand, he's a bisexual". Hilarious!

*And finally, Haley, who apparently has the biggest dong ever, used to jerk off in front of the team in the locker room while talking about their wives! He got yelled at by Butch Davis for whacking it during a defensive film session! You can't make this stuff up.

Of course, this chicanery eventually came to an end. Pearlman writes that the dynasty died when Michael Irvin, pissed off because offensive lineman, Everett McIver, wouldn't let The Playmaker go ahead of him in line to get his hair cut, got into a brawl. McIver got in a few big shots and had Irvin staggering. Irvin's next move was what any sane person would pick up the barber's scissors and stab McIver in the neck.

You can't make this stuff up. I honestly believe that had this roster been on the Houston Oilers, I would have loved them. But that star on the helmet only made me despise them and their showboating ways even more. Love them or hate them, they were definitely an intriguing bunch. As I said earlier, if you are into this kind of stuff, I could not recommend this book anymore. Let's just hope that these guys are the last Cowboys Super Bowl champions ever. Considering who still runs the team and makes the personnel decisions, I don't think that we have anything to worry about.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Worst of the Conference Championships

Well, it's official. Super Bowl XLIII will have the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Could be better, could be worse, I guess. My luck on picks against the spread crapped out this weekend. Oh well, that is why I don't gamble. The first game was fantastic while the second contest was a bit boring but with an outcome that I wanted. Both Super Bowl teams earned their way into the big game. I may piss and moan about how the Cardinals don't deserve this, but that it more because of how they finished the regular season and not how they played in the postseason. One thing is for certain, Larry Fitzgerald will be taken in the top ten of every fantasy draft next year. Wow. That guy can not be stoppped. But, not everyone played like Larry yesterday. In fact, there were some real clods of shit that made major contributions to assist in losses. I only planned on making this list 5 deep but managed to come up with 9 instead. And away we go:

9. Jon Gruden - This was not too shocking for me to hear about but the timing definitely was. He probably deserved to be fired after starting 9-3 and then not making the playoffs. So why wasn't he fired during the 5-7 days after week 17? Why now? I don't get this. What changed in the past three weeks that made the Bucs brass believe that Raheem Morris was better suited to lead that team over Gruden?

8. Limas Sweed - Nice fucking catch, asshole. I really liked it when you faked the injury as the reason for why you dropped an easy touchdown. Well played.

7. Greg Lewis - On Thursday, I asked if there was any WR in the NFL that Brian Hartline is better than...we now have one. Why is Lewis still in the league? That was one impressive, momentum-changing drop that he had in the first quarter yesterday.

6. The Heinz Field Music Guy - In the 4th quarter, after Ryan Clark killed himself and Willis McGahee with a nuclear bomb of a hit, the stadium did the right thing and played some Creedence Clearwater Revival. Pretty much both teams are on the field worried about their teammates and "Down On The Corner" is blaring through the speakers. Come on guys, what the fuck? It's OK to not play anything. You might as well just play The Undertaker's entrance music.

5. Jim Johnson (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - We all know that Larry Fitzgerald can not be stopped. The thing that normal defensive coordinators do to counter-balance that is to blitz the shit out of the guy throwing him the ball. Johnson should know this because 99% of the time, he does it. How many times in the first half was Warner pressured? Barely any if he was at all. The Eagles defense played the entire first half on their heels. They figured it out at halftime but by then it was too late. That game, eventhough the Eagles got the lead back, was lost in the first and second quarter.

4. Ed Reed - For being one of the supposed best defensive players in football, you sure as shit didn't hear his name a lot yesterday. It could have been because Jim Nantz had his head up his ass and Phil Simms was fucking a goat, but Reed wasn't in on many plays. The only times that they mentioned him were when Troy Polamalu was all over the field and they made some half-assed comparison.

3. Kevin Curtis - Whether that was a pass interference or not on the final meaningful play, he still should have caught that. Mr. Ace, don't you dare come here and start blaming that loss on that one call. In those situations, you can't hope and pray for the referees to bail you out. Larry Fitzgerald has no problem catching the ball when it hits him in the hands and neither does every other WR in the league not named Braylon Edwards. That's on you, Kevin Kurgis. For one night, you were NOT a lawyer.

2. Joe Flacco - FINALLY, the Ravens defense could not protect this fraud. Flacco may eventually be a good QB, but I was getting really sick and tired of Bawlmer winning in spite of his erratic and shitty play. I knew that he had a back-breaking pick six in him at some point. It really speaks to how crappy Flacco has been that it took him 12 quarters to have a streak of 4 straight completions.

1. Brian Westbrook - Don't use him being a bit banged up as an excuse. He's hurt every week. The entire fucking playoffs, Westbrook was horrible. Just awful. One of our least favorite commenters here likes to tout that Westbrook is the best RB in all of football. No, he isn't. When the Eagles needed him the most, he blew ass. McNabb was surprisingly great yesterday but he could have used even a little bit of help out of the running game.

And we're left with the Whisenhunt Bowl. Ugh, there has to be a better moniker than that. My boy, Big Ben, is now primed for his second Super Bowl title in 5 years and can cement his legacy as one of the best QB's in the history of the NFL. He may catch some shit because he hangs onto the ball too long and tries to force things a little too much, but the guy is a winner. A flat-out winner! Which makes sense because he and I went to the same college...and we both excel at the game of life. The Money Shot will be throwing it's support toward the Steelers and their quest for ring #6. We'll be breaking down the Super Bowl next Friday the same way that we have the past two years (for you newbies, it's a 15 pronged attack on all factors surrounding the game). We've been incredibly accurate in the past, we'll see if we can continue that in two weeks. I toast my can of Mountain Dew and tin of Skoal bandits to you, Pittsburgh. GO STEELERS!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Who's Now? Mount Rushmore!

From Awful Announcing:
“SportsCenter Mount Rushmore of Sports,” will use fan-generated nominations on to identify the top four sports greats in each state/region, and online voting to select the state with the most impressive collection of sports luminaries worthy of being etched in the state’s Mount Rushmore of sports.

As part of the series, ESPN The Magazine and award-winning columnist Rick Reilly will host daily SportsCenter segments focusing on the top five states/regions selected by fans as having the most significant collection of sports icons Monday, Feb. 16 – Friday, Feb. 20, beginning daily at 9 a.m. ET.

Oh. My. God. You've got to be kidding me. We suffered through "Who's Now" and TitleTown already. Now ESPN wants us to choke down this shit? It's perfectly fine to just show highlights and give the viewers some analysis. Do we really need this fiasco? Not one intelligent person will get into this. And, come on, Rick Reilly? That pompous ass really needs to get caught blowing Skip Bayless.

I'll make it easy for ESPN when it comes to Ohio: Archie Griffin, LeBron, Jim Brown, and Pete Rose. Pretty simple. Now please just stop. They have some things figured out when it comes to their NBA coverage, both College GameDays, and Baseball Tonight's when Steve Phillips isn't on...there is no excuse to keep forcing this Mickey Mouse shit on the public. Stick with what you do best.

I hate ESPN. Have a good weekend, enjoy the games.

Embracing The Unpredictability

Here we are. The final great weekend in the NFL season. Sure, the Super Bowl is special but there is too much fluff around the event for my liking. This is the last weekend in which you get a short pregame show and two great football games. No crappy halftime concerts and bad commercials...just football.

All week, I've been hammering the Cardinals and saying that they do not belong in the postseason let alone hosting the NFC Championship game. After reading Drew Magary's Jambaroo yesterday, I've softened that stance. Aren't the Cardinals what makes the NFL great? The parity and unpredictability is why the NFL is king. If I wanted to see the favorites win every week without breaking a sweat, I'd watch college football. But in the NFL, you have no idea what is going to happen. And that's what kind of makes Arizona's run cool. Everyone wrote them off and here they everyone, including me, the middle finger. Hell, you can say the same thing about the Ravens and Eagles. These teams aren't supposed to still be here but they earned this opportunity. I still don't want to see Arizona in the Super Bowl, but I could live with it. On with the predictions for Sunday and my never-ending quest to go 10-1 against the spread this postseason:

Philadelphia (-3) @ Arizona
Can the Cinderella story continue? Well, that's a bad analogy since this is the Cards' second home game. Let there be no doubt that Larry Fitzgerald is the best WR on the planet right now not named Brian Hartline. I like the fact that they are committing to the run and that someone has awaken Edge James. The defense has been a ball-hawking force and has shut down the run against the second and third best regular season run teams this season. There is no reason to think that this won't continue to Tampa...except for that it won't. I don't like the Eagles at all but there is something about these guys that just screams, "We are on a fucking mission!" Westbrook has sucked but it hasn't mattered at all. Their offense gives Arizona something that they haven't seen awhile...a bonafide passing game. You see, in their first two games, all that the Cards had to do was shut down the run. Well, that ain't going to work against the Eagles. And get ready to see Jim Johnson's defense unload blitz after blitz at Jesus Warner. As long as McNabb doesn't throw 3 picks, Andy Reid can start making dinner reservations in Tampa. Eagles 33, Cardinals 24 in what should be an entertaining game.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-4.5)
Out of all the teams left, the Steelers are clearly the team that looks the most dominant. I'm a little concerned about the Ravens just because they haven't had a week off since week 2, they had about 20 injuries in Nashville, and Terrell Suggs (who has a tendency to kill Big Ben) is highly questionable. Does fatigue finally catch up to them? Joe Flacco has joined Big Ben and the great Shaun King as the only rookie QB's to start a conference championship game. The other two lost. As far as the Steelers go, who dug up Willie Parker's corpse? Big Ben appears to play better when he's concussed which is a troubling thought. Polamalu is questionable but you just know he's going to play. As far as the line goes, their first two games were decided by a total of 7 points so why is the number so high? I don't like it one bit. Are the Ravens +4.5 too much of a given? Nah, Vegas wants everyone to buy into the Steelers eventhough this is a field goal-ish game. Steelers 17, Ravens 13.

Get ready for a Pennsylvania Civil War because the Steelers and Eagles are going to Super Bowl XLIII. I know, I'm going to throw up, too.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Are You Kidding Me?

Huh. That was pretty shocking. Sam Bradford and Jermaine Gresham have decided to pass up on millions of dollars to return to Oklahoma for another year. I guess that they both would like to lose another BCS bowl before they leave Norman. That's very noble. Not many people would choose to be embarrassed on a national stage again. Either that of Bradford doesn't want to risk having to move to Detroit. The general rule of thumb for college football players leaving for the NFL is that if you are a guaranteed first day pick, you should move on to the greener pastures. After all, you only have so many hits in your body and it's better to get paid than to have to go to class.

Someone obviously told now former Ohio State wide receiver, Brian Hartline, this. Unfortunately, no one told him that he doesn't have NFL talent. Hell, he barely has Big Ten talent.

Hartline is graduating this year but, as many have done in the past, you are allowed to continue your collegiate playing days after receiving your degree. Todd Boeckman is still on campus and he just turned 40. This makes no sense to me. Todd McShay has him slotted from anywhere between the 5th round and undrafted. Let's say that again, this idiot left school early and he isn't even guaranteed to have his phone ring on the SECOND day of the draft. Even if he has a near perfect Combine workout, he's guaranteed nothing. Who is advising this guy? Is there even an agent out there that wants his services?

The Buckeye WR, who was never even close to being the first option in the passing game at any moment in his days in Columbus, recorded 90 catches for 1,449 yards during his three year Ohio State "career", scoring 13 touchdowns. By comparison, Texas Tech's Michael Crabtree had 7 more catches and 6 more touchdowns THIS YEAR than Hartline had in 3 years. It's not fair to compare the two because, you know, Crabtree is good but Hartline is making us do just that with this bonehead decision.

Says the Rhodes scholar, “I have had an outstanding experience at OSU and am thankful for the support I continue to receive. I now look forward to testing myself against the top competitors in the National Football League.” Yeah, and those corners and safeties in the NFL can't wait to see you, too. I'm sure it's great to know that the guy that you are covering has no chance to score or even get open. There is no WR in the league that is worse than this guy. James Thrash? Nah. Jerry Porter? No way. Donte Stallworth? Not even close. I would rather have Rae Carruth than this clump of white trash. And that "support" that he's getting is from the fans that want him to leave so they can get better players on the field.

I just don't get this at all. This may be the dumbest early entry decision in the history of football. Is Ohio State so bad that it is worth passing up your final year at a historic program to be a slot receiver in the Canadian Football League? Who knows, maybe his dream has always been to be a Saskatchewan Roughrider? However it pans out, one stereotype remains the same: Ohio State football players are idiots.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Defining Humility

There's nothing to talk about. I don't care about Scott Pioli or Gilbert Arenas or even Eddy Curry asking his limo driver to touch his cock. While hilarious, that story has been ejaculated to death. Instead, I've got something pretty good for my readers today. It's one of those rare times in which I share a personal story that is so pathetic that you actually feel sorry for me. Well, that's not going to be true but at least you will get a cheap laugh at my expense. And isn't that why you come here anyway?

So, I'm hanging out at Mr. Ace's rarely read site yesterday in which he's talking about video games or something stupid. I called him a deragatory name and he followed with the same one. This term is one of those that Wanda Sykes would yell at you for if she heard you call someone else that. Fuck it, we called each other "fags". Since when have I worried about being PC? For some reason, when I read what Mr. Ace wrote, this story came to mind.

Let's go back to the summer of 1991 for a minute. Your very own G$ is tearing it up on the league-best Orioles in the Napoleon Little League...ummm, league. I won't bore you with talk about Little League, eventhough I could talk about it all day (I hate the A's soooo much to this day). We were pretty loaded with some quality 12 year olds and primed for a regular season and tournament title. We accomplished the former but not the latter.

As an 11 year old dynamo catcher, my job was pretty simple: catch the fucking ball and throw out attempting base stealers. But about halfway through the season, for some reason, the Orioles needed another arm. We played two games per week and I think that there was a rule that the most that a pitcher could throw in one week was 6 innings (right, D?). We already had an ace, so we needed to piece together 6 innings of decent pitching somehow. Apparently, I was part of the solution.

I didn't throw hard. My mechanics probably sucked. My pitches were as flat as a Kyle Farnsworth fastball. But I could throw strikes. I was like a pudgy, bespectacled, and gayer version of Jamie Moyer. I always got to start against the shittier of the two teams that we played in each given week. I was fine with that because I was a terrible pitcher who had not yet crafted his dominating pitch (years later, in high school, I developed a sidearm forkball that, had I worked at it, would have me still pitching in the bigs to this was unhittable...actually, it was unseeable). But on one hot June evening at historic Glenwood Park in a game against the normally terrible Yankees, I would be served the largest slice of humble pie ever.

I gave up a hit to Cary.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "So what? Many successful athletes have had asexual names." And that is true. But it didn't happen like that. "Cary" was a girl. And she smoked one up the middle on me. For some reason, our Little League powers that be allowed females to participate. The few that did so actually weren't that bad, but still. I gave up a hit to a chick. It was at that moment that I hung up my pitching arm for good.

Earlier this week, I mentioned that there is nothing more disgusting than stepping in human shit at a bar. Well, there is nothing more humiliating than being on the receiving end of a severe a 10 year old girl. Good God, I hate life. How have I not killed myself yet? And don't worry, this incident still gets brought up at least once a month over beers. I hate you, Damman.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

No Longer Any Doubt

Every media pundit wants to tell you that it is almost a certainty that the Celtics and Lakers will be playing in the NBA Finals again this year. Those people are stupid. It is painfully obvious to everyone not getting paid by ESPN that the Cleveland Cavaliers are now the favorite to win it all this year. And it's not even close. No one can tell me that, in a 7 game series, that some other team is beating this Cavs team 4 times. Barring some sort of major injury, the championship drought for Cleveland is over. OVER.

Just in case you need convincing, allow me to help you come around to my side of thinking:
--LeBron is playing at a level that maybe no superstar has ever played. He can not be stopped. There is no one that can guard him and he himself is turning into one of the best defenders in the league.
--For as much shit as Danny Ferry has taken for not giving LeBron his "Pippen", maybe he doesn't need someone like that after all. Mo Williams has been everything that us Cavs hoped he would be and then some. And don't forget that, if need be, Ferry is sitting on the biggest trade piece at the deadline. He has already said that he won't trade Wally unless he can hit a home run. Fear this.
--Ben Wallace may not be stuffing the stat sheet with rebounds and blocks like he used to, but he is an incredibly smart player that is almost always in the right position. Even Doc Rivers bullshit attempt at a "Hack-A-Ben" was futile since the big man was actually making his throws the other night.
--Anderson Varejao is playing like a borderline all-star. It may be a case of "contract year-itis", but the guy has been nails all season.
--Say it with me now, Mike Brown has finally developed into a good NBA coach. He has allowed the team to run more and actually run decent sets on offense while still maintaining one of the top defenses in the league.
--It will take a herculean effort for any team to walk out of The Q a winner. 19-0 so far this year. Should the Cavs earn homecourt advantage throughout the playoffs and with the best player on the planet, say goodnight.

And this team is still learning how to play together. That should scare everyone. Friday night's dominating performance over the champs was no fluke. The Cavaliers were and are the better team. They can shoot. They are deep. And they play tenacious defense. Oh, and did I mention that King fella?

Finally, I know that the NBA is an acquired taste. Not everyone is going to like it. But take it from commenter, Dustin, a guy that hates the NBA, who attended the Cavs/Bobcats game at The Q last week and just so happened to be sitting courtside (like a certain awesome blogger got the chance to do a few weeks back, remember my high five that I gave LeBron!):

My opinion has changed about the NBA. Sitting 10 feet away from the players was awesome! I have a greater appreciation for what they do, and it's amazing how huge those dudes are in person. I'm still notreally a Cavs fan, but I am now a Lebron fan. If he doesn't win MVP this year, something is wrong. He can do whatever he wants. The game was still sloppy with no defense, but that was probably because it was the middle of the third quarter and the Cavs were up 28 and Lebron wasn't even playing. They still need to figure out how to make the regular season relevant. The season lasts about 5 months and the playoffs last 2. What a joke. I'd definitely go back to a game, and I'll probably start watching the Cavs more.

I'm not implying that everyone needs to go out and plunk down serious coin to sit courtside at a game, but you should be taking notice. There is something special going on in Cleveland this winter and come June, you are going to see a celebration coming out of that city the likes of which have never been seen.

Jay Bell's Parents Have Hall Of Fame Votes

Yesterday, it was announced that Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. While Rickey deserves to head to Cooperstown, I find it odd that he received only 95% of the vote. Considering that a loser like Cal Ripken was unanimous (or close, I'm not sure), Rickey should have gained 100% of the vote since he was ten times the player that Ripken was. As far as Rice goes, he'd been on the ballot for awhile now. I guess those 40 home runs that he hit for the Red Sox last season put him over the hump. What's that? Jim Rice hasn't played in a long ass time? So what changed over the past decade to make his career stand out more. I don't get this.

Look, I'm a snob when it comes to the Hall of Fame. Very good players should not be included. Cooperstown is for the greatest players to ever play the sport. And that's why the baseball Hall is the best. Because it's tough as Hell to get into. But let's take a quick look at the voting results for this season:

*It really bothers me that Don Mattingly is getting less than 12% of the vote.
*Greg Vaughn, Dan Plesac, and Ron Gant were all on the ballot this year.
*Vaughn, Plesac, and Gant got a combined zero votes.
*Shouldn't David Cone be getting more than 3.9% of the vote? The guy was the best big game pitcher in the 90's.
*7 people believe that Matt Williams was one of the game's greats. 6 people felt that way about Mo Vaughn.
*1 idiot voted for Jesse Orosco. Jesse. Orosco.
*Finally, Jay Bell...THEE Jay Bell, had two people write his name down. The same Jay Bell that wore bifocals on the field and was barely more than a utility player for half of his career.

Seeing this garbage, it got me thinking of a fun little reader-friendly game of one-ups-manship for today. It's time to dig into your rolodex of obscure 80's-90's baseball players and throw out your "Jay Bell-ian" hall of fame vote. I like to remember the days when catchers were lucky to hit over .200 and were as ugly as sin. My joke write-ins on my fake Hall of Fame ballot are: Tony Eusebio, Kirt Manwaring, Mike "Spanky" LaValliere, Chet Lemon, and one my favorite players that sucked of all time:

Have at it, readers, impress me with your shitty player recollection skills.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Worst of The Divisional Round Vol.II

Damn. So close. My quest for picking perfection now stands at 7-1. Who would have figured that the Arizona Cardinals would have stopped a force like myself? But now that the pressure is off, it's time to refocus on the task at hand and continue to help you gamblers out there. Most people (Bill Simmons) would mail it in for the rest of the postseason and give you horrible advice but I will not. On Friday, I will be back and better than ever. As far as the action went this weekend, it was for the birds. Literally. The three teams with bird mascots all advanced and the other team is from the same city that there are Penguins. Think about it. Unless you are a RedHawk, it's a pretty good time to be a bird. Needless to say, it's bad time to not be able to have a beak and shit on whatever you want to (note to self, stop talking about poop). And there were some easy goats for every team that bricked their hopes and dreams this weekend:

5. Pacman Jones - I'm confused. You plan to sue ESPN for defamation of character eventhough your name is Pacman fucking Jones, but then you give Screamin' A. Smiff an interview the next day? What the fuck? This guy just continues to amaze me. Whether it's that he believes that he will be playing somewhere next season or the fact that he keeps on denying that he tried to pay some guy named "Slugga" to kill people, the guy is the blogger's gift that keeps on giving. And let's not forget about the lies. There is not one person in America that believes him when he says that he attends AA meetings in Dallas 1-2 times per week. Pac, if Dallas doesn't want you, than no one does. It's over, bitch.

4. Ron Rivera - That was one of the worst defensive game plans that I have seen. You've got a QB that just suffered his third concussion and a group of running backs that aren't good. In essence, you should blitz the shit out of Big Ben on throwing downs and stuff the run on first and second forcing the Steelers and their foggy QB to pass. Instead, Rivera took the brilliant approach of letting the God awful Willie Parker go nuts and never sent anyone after the passer. If you want a blueprint on how to not run a defense, the Chargers gave it to you last night. Maybe Ron knew that the world was tired of Phil Rivers throwing his gay passes. In that case, thanks, Ronnie!!!

3. Every Titan other than Kerry Collins - This was actually my favorite game of the weekend. It was a fucking slugfest and all of the injuries proved that. You had both teams just killing each other on the field and that is why I love the NFL. There had to have been 15 injuries in that game. Unfortunately for Tennessee, Chris Johnson's ankle was the biggest one. I can't believe that I'm going to say this but Kerry Collins was sensational. The guy was money. It wasn't his fault that his lardass RB and TE couldn't hang onto the ball. It wasn't his fault that his teammates committed retarded penalties. It wasn't his fault that his defense let the shitty Joe Flacco move the ball at the end. And it wasn't his fault that Rob Bironas choked a field goal. That was one of those games that neither deserved to win, but neither deserved to lose either. Oh, and let's not forget about how bad that officiating was. They shouldn't have a game the rest of the postseason.

2. Eli Manning - THAT was the retard QB that we all grew to hate! Awesome, just awesome. Look, I hate the Eagles just as much as the next guy, but the world needed to be reminded that Eli has always been a fraud. You can throw out the Plax excuse as much you want to, but when Jacobs is gashing it on the ground and the Eagles are semi on their heels because of it, the QB needs to take advantage of that. But Eli countered by throwing wounded duck after interception after wounded duck. It was glorious. I've got to give props to someone that I've always hated out of respect and not because I think he sucks: Brian Dawkins. That guy, even at 34, is still one of the best players in football. I'm sure that Mr. Ace will drop a few more nuggets about this game later but all you really need to know is that Eli Manning is who we thought he was...terrible.

1. Jake Delhomme - In the history of the NFL, that may have been the worst game ever played by any player in any situation that didn't involved someone with the last name "Detmer". Let's see here: the Panthers had the better defense, running game, coaching, and home field and it all unraveled before them because Jake Delhomme sucks. Huge balls. I could have turned the ball over less than 6 times. Let's just go back in the way-back machine and remember that this is the same Cardinals defense that couldn't stop ANYONE in the past 2 months of the season. It's not like they have flipped a switch. They were dominant against Atlanta because they knew Matt Ryan's snap count and the owned the Panthers because Delhomme thought that they were on his team. If I was a Panthers fan (I don't think that they even have any), I would be throwing molatov cocktails through the windows of his house and car right now. Hell, as a fan of good football, I should be doing that. If you live in the greater Charlotte area, I am granting anyone immunity if they commit terrorists acts against the Delhomme household. What goes around comes around.

Over at Beanie's site, my pre-playoffs Super Bowl prediction was Philly and Pittsburgh and I stand by that. It's an easy decision. Because if the Super Bowl is Bawl-mer vs. Arizona, it would be the end of the NFL's dominance in the landscape of sports. I'm serious. It would be disastrous. The Ravens have no offense and the Cardinals were arguably the 8th best team in the NFC and, in a perfect world, would not have made the playoffs at all. Two weeks of the media sucking the dicks of Kurt Warner and Ray you really want that??? Give me the awesomeness of Mike Tomlin and Andy Reid's surprisingly great playoff beard any day. I'm out. We're talking hoops tomorrow because we haven't in a while. If you don't like it, feel free to shit on the floor (dammit!).

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fred Happens

When you turn 28 years old, the opportunities to have classic drunk stories are few and far between. But I saw something on Saturday night that may be a first in the history of American taverns. For as complex of a person that I am, I'm pretty simple when it comes to drinking. I go to the same bar, drink the same beers, slam the same shots, and play the same Golden Tee machine every week. The Bier Stube, located on OSU's shitty campus, is probably the greatest dive bar of all time. It smells like ass and is danker than fuck, but the alcohol is cheap, there are ample TV's, and the jukebox is the best in the world. Now let me get into this bizarre tale of drunken debauchery.

So I get to the Stube right at the start of the second half of the Cardinals game. I immediately head to the bathroom for a much needed piss. The funk in there is beyond awful but that is sort of expected. I take care of business and say to Damman, "the bathroom smells worse than usual tonight".
His reply was simply, "Well, Fred shit his pants and won't leave".

You see, "Fred" is a guy in his 60's that looks like he's well over 100. He drank himself retarded on Saturday night and thus shit all over himself. They tried to call him a cab to get him out of there since there was a ten foot stink radius around him in which no person could survive. He would not give out his address. He refused to leave. The police had to come in and drag Brown Stains out of there. Situation resolved, right? Absolutely not.

So after Damman tells me the shit saga (and this is FAR from being over by the way), I take a seat next to him at the bar. Ten seconds later, I am told that my stool was the one that Fred was sitting in. I have a small freakout but no harm, no foul. We decide to play Golden Tee a little bit later but the stank keeps creeping back ever so often. We get the owner to spray some cleaner on the stool and burn some incense. But it doesn't work. 20 minutes later, it still lingers in the nostrils. More powerfully this time. The smell was gaining momentum. It was exactly like the Seinfeld episode in which Jerry could not get the smell out of his car. This aroma was going nowhere.

So we get the owner to give the stool a solid wipedown and we figure that this is it. It was not. The scent is so pungent now that it feels like shit has been smeared inside each of our noses. It finally dawns on the roommate that the chair may not be the problem here. Due to the dankness of the bar, he asks the bartender for a flashlight to investigate.

And there it was. The feces of a 65ish year old man right on the floor. And I know what you're thinking, "it was probably just a little bit." To that I say, have you ever had a quarter pounder from McDonald's? It was like that. We had been stepping on it all night and it now resembled the least desirable pancake of all time. I should say it again, THERE WAS HUMAN SHIT ON THE FLOOR. And I, as well as many others, walked all over it. Now I've stepped in dog shit hundreds of times in my life, yet stepping on a grown man's turd felt 1000 times worse.

All of us almost vomited when we found the stink source. I have a pretty strong stomach for stuff that most people would find gross, but that was too much for me. I couldn't even laugh about it at the time. I was too freaked out. The owner cleaned it up in front of us while gagging the entire time and the roommate got a nice picture of the shitpile on his phone (thank me for not posting it). As for me, I finished my beer and left. I just had to get out of that place. My stomach was doing backflips.

Seriously, it was horrible. My words can't describe how awful it was. I can laugh about it now, but I will never EVER forget it. That smell will be burned into my subconscience forever. Let me say it one more time: a grown ass man shit a brick on the floor of a bar...I think I'm going to throw up.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The NFL Is "Damaged"

Any of you losers watch the FX legal drama, Damages? It's an ok show with a decent storyline and some quality acting. Anyway, season 2 debuted Wednesday night and since last week I went 4-0 in my NFL picks going with a bizarre Hollywood metaphor, I'm doing it again. In case you are unfamiliar with the show, Glenn Close's nasty ass runs her own law firm and she will pretty much do whatever it takes to win a case. For God's sake, she even tried to ruin the great Ted Danson's life last season! Every once in awhile, Close will say something sexual and I will run out of the room screaming for my mom while vomiting uncontrollably at the same time. However, she is not afraid to get her hands a little bloody to have things go her way. As a stone cold killer myself, I respect that.

Using that backdrop, have any of you noticed the complete and utter injustice in the NFL schedule this weekend? The Ravens, winners on Sunday, turn around and play the best team in football on SATURDAY afternoon. The Chargers meanwhile get an extra day off to prepare. What the hell? If you play on Saturday in week one of the playoffs, you should be playing on Saturday for week 2 as well. I don't get it. But then I remember who the commish is of this league. He remembers how awful that Ravens Super Bowl win in 2000 was. He hasn't forgotten. He also sees the writing on the wall that this boring-ass team could be on the verge of going back there again. And he knows that they must be stopped. I applaud him for rigging things against the Ravens and preventing all of us from the shittiness which is the Baltimore Ravens. Let's just hope that this ploy is good enough to rid us of Ray Lewis. If it doesn't work, he could always call Glenn Close and have her get naked in the Ravens locker room. On with the picks and my quest to go 11-0:

Baltimore @ Tennessee (-3)
Here's the thing about the NFL: every time that something seems obvious, it is always wrong. Most people love the Ravens on the road this week due to their fantastic defense and not having Kerry Collins. I admit, it is tempting to go with the dog straight up here. But let's not forget about how good this Titans team is. 3 weeks ago, with homefield on the line, they beat the shit out of the Steelers who everyone pencilled in as the winner before the game. If Joe Flacco can only complete 9 passes in perfect temperature Miami, he might not complete any in a cold Nashville against a great defense. This game will be boring and Flacco's turnovers end up being the key. Titans win 13-12 but don't cover.

Arizona @ Carolina (-10)
On the surface, this line seems way to high. The Cardinals can score and were only beaten by 4 in Carolina earlier in the season. But then you realize that the Cardinals are awful, it's going to be cold, Boldin isn't going to be a factor, last week's defensive performance was a fluke, the Panthers are physical, Steve Smith can't be covered, and once again, the Cardinals are awful. This one is not going to be pretty. I have a weird feeling that we see Matt Leinart in this game after Julius Peppers uses Kurt Warner's ribs like a Flintstones xylophone. Panthers 38, Cardinals 17.

Philadelphia @ New York (-4)
This is my kind of football and I wish that they would have put it on Saturday night. Two NFC East teams that hate each other both of which feature retards at QB. In the two games earlier this season, both home teams lost. What does that mean? Fuck if I know. I think it's pretty easy to determine who wins this game actually: who wins the battle on the ground between Jacobs and Westbrook? For some strange reason, I think that the champs go down this weekend. They definitely won't cover, I am certain of that. Eagles 19, Giants 17.

San Diego @ Pittsburgh (-6)
The Chargers won their Super Bowl last week. While Pittsburgh fans used to cheer on Kordell's "gay passes", they will simply just laugh at Rivers on Sunday. The Chargers suck when they head East. I don't trust them in cold weather. Their kicker seems to have nerves made of yarn. They are coached by Norv Turner. The Steelers defense will be ready for Darren Sproles. I don't like this matchup for the Bolts. Big Ben will be playing with a concussion which means that Willie Parker better quit being a pussy and be ready to run the ball. Too much defense, it's close for awhile but never really in doubt. Steelers 20, Chargers 10.

I'm not as confident about these pics as I was last week, but nobody said going 11-0 would be easy. Enjoy the football.

Best. Player. Ever.

Good call, Heisman voters. Way to get it wrong again.

Very entertaining game tonight. Tim Tebow is just fantastic. If it was possible to fall more in love with him, I think that I did so tonight. Many losers out there like to hate on him because they can't recognize greatness, but I don't. The kid is amazing. Hands down one of the best college football players of all time. And I loved it when he started doing the gator chomp at some schlub on OU at the end and getting a 15 yarder for it.

Get ready for more, too, because he's going to win another Heisman and national championship next year as well. Why? Because Jesus loves him, too, that's why.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Be A Dick, Not A Douche

Take a deep breath. Whew. OK, we've all had a few days to digest the Fiesta Bowl outcome. We had a lot of fun at the expense of Ohio State fans. They fired back with comebacks that had nothing to do with their epic choke. It's what they do. But I need to intervene here. Because there are likely a lot of hurt feelings and open scarlet and gray wounds still out there. Trust me, every single person (me included) that had a laugh at their expense, they are preparing to come back at you with the power of 10,000 cock rings. It's coming but we all knew that anyway.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to inducted in the inaugural class of the Dick Hall of Fame. The festivities were held in Johnson City, Tennessee, by the way (dick joke!). My colleagues that went in with me were none other than Barry Bonds, Vice President Dick Cheney, and, of course, Fred O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused. Now, we had to give a speech to the audience. Mine was regarding this topic: Be A Dick, Not A Douche. It most definitely is a fine line to walk because no one wants to talk to a douche, but everyone laughs along with a dick. Here are a few suggestions to help you be the lovable asshole.

For God's Sake, Wait Until The End - I'm one of those superstitious people that never does anything to potentially jinx my team. Take Monday night for example. Damman texts me at halftime (OSU up 6-3) with something along the lines of "lookin good, my beanie post is going to be sweet". While subtle on the surface, the part about him and his guest post at another blog implied that OSU had the game won after the first 30 minutes. You don't want to do that. Because when the shit hits the fan, I'm not going to forget that text message. That loss is on him. Just shut the fuck up until the final whistle is blown.

Your Voice Is Not Wanted - This happened to me when the Indians beat the Yankees out of the playoffs two years ago. I saw the writing on the wall and all I asked was that Indians fans let me stew in peace. But that didn't happen. Immediately, I had 304 phone calls coming in at the same time. Now granted, I didn't answer and deleted the voicemails before listening to the weak smack, but still. Put the shoe on the other foot. Would they have wanted me to call them had the roles been reversed? Of course not. Because that is a douche thing to do. And these guys are Cleveland fans! Why would you piss off sports karma with this chicanery?

Just Put The Phone Down Altogether - I can handle words to a degree, just not a voice saying them. A month ago, I was walking out of Paul Brown Stadium having watched the Redskins just have their playoff hopes crushed by the Bengals. My phone vibrates, I look, and it's a smart-ass text from Beanie. I don't remember it because I was too busy turning into the Incredible Hulk. Look, if you have no rooting interest in the game, don't start running your mouth. It's a total douche move. I was rooting against the Cubs in the playoffs, but when they got beat, I didn't throw it in the face of my roommate. It's weak.

Let Them Sleep On It - Here is my biggest piece of advice to all of you: When one of your friends' teams just died, give them some time. This doesn't sound like something that a person like me would say, but do it. My rule of thumb is give it a night. They get to sleep off some of the rage and are a little bit easier to deal with in the morning once the depression sets in. Now that everyone is awake and a new day is upon us, SCORCH THE FUCKING EARTH. Go at them high and hard. You allowed them a courtesy 8 hours, now it's your time to lay into them about how much they suck. They may even let you go a step or two too far due to you not bothering them the night before. You don't pour salt in a man's open wound like a douche. No, you let that wound scab up, rip it off, and dump the salt inside. Even if you don't believe it, tell them that everyone on their team and all of their fans, including him, suck. Question his sexuality. Call his license plate into 1-800-GRAB-DUI. Just like a dick would do!

The Statue - This is my favorite move and I truly am an expert. Whether it be in a bar or someone's house, I usually watch every OSU game in a room full of Buckeye fans. EVERYONE knows who I am supporting. It's no secret. Often times, I'm wearing a shirt of their opponent. But when that game starts, I am in a complete state of total consciousness. I don't move. I'm serious. I don't say a word. Whatever happens, I remain completely calm. I have been told that people hate watching games with me BECAUSE I don't say ANYTHING. Me not reacting at all is apparently more annoying to some than me celebrating another USC touchdown. The problem is, they can't really say anything because I'm not doing anything wrong. When you can pull this off, you've achieved complete and total Dick-vana. In my head, complete euphoria when Penn State picks off Pryor. My face, stone. A douche celebrates a bad break for OSU. A dick does nothing eventhough everyone in the room knows what is going on in that beautiful head of yours.

There you go. A few tips to make you a dick, but also a more tolerable fan. You don't want to get into fights with, or even lose, friends over a sporting event in which neither of you had nothing to do with the outcome. That is what a douche would do. But you also want to make sure that they know that there team sucks after an acceptable amount of grieving time. As far as tonight's game goes, I like the Gators because the Heisman Trophy winner never wins their bowl game. I'll be back tomorrow looking to improve to 8-0 on my NFL playoff picks. Later, dicks!