Thursday, January 31, 2008

Giving Out Pit Stains

On this final day in January, with the attention of the world on Glendale, I thought that I would go a different route and acknowledge a few people that truly deserve it. That's right, college basketball coaches. It's easy to praise the likes of Mike Krzyzewski or Roy Williams or John Calipari for their success. But it's the other guys that I want to talk about today. The guys that our so animated on the bench that they sweat through their suit jackets. The coaches that are so passionate and involved with their teams that they do not mind dripping more than Patrick Ewing at the free throw line. And that's why today, I rank the top 5 sweatiest coaches in all of college hoops. So get out your deodorant and towels, today is going to be a wet one.

Honorable Mention Sweaty Coaches:
Thad Matta - Ohio State
Jim Calhoun - Connecticut

5. Kelvin Sampson - Indiana
When he's not illegally sending text messages to recruits or stealing players from Illinois, Sampson works the floor masterfully. He is well known for shedding his jacket less than a minute into the game. While there were a few other guys that could have qualified for the top 5, the fact that Sampson used to do commercials for Degree puts him on the list. It is body heat activated after all.
Sweat Ranking - 6 out of 10 Pit Stains

4. Sean Miller - Xavier
Being that I live in Ohio, the Musketeers are on TV a lot. I've been able to watch more than just a few games this year and this poor man's Jimmy Kimmel does an impressive job of having a constant waterfall trickle down his grill. I like Miller and thought that he had a good chance of challenging for the top spot, but X's mid-major status as a program hurt him in the rankings. Let's just consider Miller the George Mason of Perspiration...that rhymed!!!
Sweat Ranking - 7.5 out of 10 Pit Stains

3. Bruce Pearl - Tennessee
I'm actually surprised to hear how many people hate this guy. I love him. And the fact that he acts like a complete lunatic and a raving psycho only adds to my coach-crush. By constantly screaming during games, one has to think that Pearl goes through a plain white T every night...completely destroying the fabric with his body glaze after only one wear. The only thing holding Pearl back is that he has yet to sweat through his bright orange suit jacket. When that day happens, nothing will hold him back. But for now, he has to be #3.
Sweat Ranking - 8 out of 10 Pit Stains

2. Gary Williams - Maryland
Ah, Gary Williams...the dean of sweaty coaches. He may not be John Wooden as a coach, but he's easily the John Wooden of sweating. Williams is one of the few men that HAVE perspired through their suit. And that can not be ignored. I mean, seriously, who doesn't enjoy a guy that looks like he just took a shower, didn't towel off, got dressed, and decided to coach a basketball game? I don't think his pores ever close and it took a monumental upset for him to not be ranked #1.
Sweat Ranking - 9.25 out of 10 Pit Stains

1. Sean Sutton - Oklahoma State
If you haven't seen the Cowboys play, I recommend that you do. Not for the basketball, because they blow, but for the constant moistness of Coach Sutton. Did you watch their game on Monday @ Oklahoma? It was a thing of beauty. By the end of the game, Sutton looked like the kid that refused to take his shirt off at the pool. And he didn't wear an under shirt. It was just one very thin layer of white disgusting. Fantastic. I don't know how he did it either. Was he out drinking and driving with his old man the night before and was just trying to sweat out the gin? Maybe, we'll never know though. But what we do know is this, the man can sweat buckets just from coaching. And you've got to respect that. No one can get a perfect sweat ranking, but Sutton is close.
Sweat Ranking - 9.5 out of 10 Pit Stains

Congratulations, Sean Sutton, you are the 2008 Sweatiest Coach in the Nation!!! Someone cue up Jim Nantz's creepy, Megan's Law violator smile and "One Shining Moment".

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Some Show Called Lost Is Back Tonight" Edition. I don't watch it, but it's a big deal to others...maybe even Webber Claus.

***Refrigerator repairman are pumped up - The Mets pulled it off. They traded for Johan Santana yesterday by giving up a handful of prospects that aren't ready for the big time yet. Good for the Twins. They had better offers from the Yankees and Red Sox but decided to shit on them for potentially nothing. The Twins are a horrible organization that hate their fans by the way. All of the mustachioed Mets fans are going to assume that this makes them NL favorites and will forget about the Titanic-like collapse they had last year. Whatever. Good for Hank Steinbrenner though, he could have given up the farm for Santana but he stuck to his guns. The Yanks are truly showing that they are growing up again and not falling into the same old traps. They've been bitten in the ass before by shelling out max dollars to a pitcher (see Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright, Randy Johnson, and underpaid workhorse Roger Clemens). The youth movement could be bumpy this season, but will pay dividends in the long run. Oh yeah, and the Mets still suck.

***Media Day is ridiculous - Anyone that enjoys Super Bowl-hype is about as smart as Emmitt Smiff. What a disaster. Between Plaxico Burress's prediction and Michael Strahan flossing with a telephone pole, nothing really happened yesterday. Did anyone think otherwise? Well, unless you feel that the whore from TV Azteca in a wedding gown proposing to anyone with a pulse is news. Fuck that, has the game started yet??? On a much more important note, my in depth, scientific prediction comes on Friday!!! And for you deviants, here's a pic of the crazy broad from yesterday showcasing her assets.

***The Warriors are going to be playing Murderball - From the "What the fuck are you thinking" department, Don Nelson has decided to bring Chris Webber back to Oakland. For those of you that don't follow the NBA (all of you), the Warriors run constantly, play no defense, and just try to outscore you every night. Chris Webber can't move, can't shoot, and needs a wheelchair to get up and down the court. How does this make any sense? I guess the Warriors feel that they are one more shitty defender away from being a title contender. I hate Webber Claus.

***Mark Mangino is still rotund - I read this this morning and found it just a bit amusing. The well-proportioned Kansas coach has had some medical tests done that he had been putting off. No shit. A 450 pound guy should probably be living in a hospital anyway. Some Kansas bigwig (might be the AD, I'm not sure and you know that I don't do research) wants Mangino to have gastric bypass AKA the easy way out. I call bollocks here. Either keep him cuddly or fire his ass. I like my Mangino's as large as possible.

***Oregon fans are classy, hate white trash - I mentioned the other day that I watched the UCLA/Oregon game last Thursday. Well, apparently, the Duck students were pretty vulgar and derogatory toward stud Bruin frosh, Kevin Love. There are no details in the article that I read, but when you rock a chin strap beard and have a father who was in The Beach Boys, you are ripe for the picking. Now everyone at Oregon is apologizing to Love. Who cares, he won the damn game and probably started a train with his teammates through the Duck cheerleaders after the game...with John Wooden bringing up the caboose. Just like in the old days.

***Alonzo Spellman is Lloyd Braun - I think I heard that former Buckeye, Bear, and Lion, Alonzo Spellman, was bi-polar. So it makes a lot of sense that he led police on a 25 minute car chase through Tulsa and had pepper spray bullets fired into his car. There really is no joke here, Spellman's story is the punchline. But it does remind me of the time when lil' Strut's brother, Big Strut, was hit with a beanbag bullet to the chest while cops were trying to stop a riot on campus. That story always makes me smile. And if you know the original Strut, you should be smiling, too.

***You know what, fuck Donald Trump - I just saw that NBC is green-lighting another season of Celebrity Apprentice. Umm, why? Who watches that? And I thought that, with the inclusion of Omarosa this year, they used the word "celebrity" a little too liberally. Lucky for you though, I have a list of potential "stars" for next season:
Andy Dick, Jar Jar Binks, Bode Miller, Charo, Jacquee, Patrick Duffy, the other dad who wasn't Paul Reiser from My Two Dads, Kathy Griffin, Ellen Cleghorne, and Carrot Top. A-List all the way.

See ya'll, with the boss out tomorrow and a topic fresh in my mind, expect nothing but the best. Out.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Middle Finger: Al Davis and Dan Snyder

Sometimes you just have to wonder how these guys made all of their money. I mean, they were obviously successful at something before they decided to own a professional football team. But you wouldn't know it from following how they handle their day-to-day business in the NFL. It's disgusting really. The fact that they think that they are bright football minds capable of running a successful franchise is downright disturbing. They are burying two of the greatest franchises in the country with nothing more than an ego trip and their own warped sense of reality.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger(s) go to Al Davis and Daniel Snyder.

We'll start with the Raiders. I don't normally root for death (unlike The Hater Nation and their lifelong quest to see Rams owner, Georgia Frontiere, die...congrats guys!), but it seems like Raider Nation would be a much better place if Davis kicked the bucket soon. Even in the "prime of his life" at 78 years old, Davis still thinks he's capable of running a football team. Just look at that that who you want as the ugly face of your franchise? He's cheap (see the JaMarcus Russell holdout), he's an idiot (see the Lane Kiffin quasi-firing and running a young Mike Shanahan out of town), and he's also half-retarded (see the hiring of Art Shell TWICE).

This guy is a walking embarrassment. Whether it's his unkempt appearance or mind-numbing management style, how does the NFL still allow him to run a team? Maybe this is the NFL's fault though. I'm sure Der Fuhrer Goodell could do something about this. The Raiders seem to shame themselves more each year. It's like he's trying to one-up himself to make sure that the name Al Davis always precedes "worst owner ever". Al, if you read this (and I'm pretty sure you don't since you have never used a computer, book, comb, or toothbrush in your life), Lane Kiffin wasn't the problem. You are. Someone needs to take you to the glue factory...maybe Barbaro.

And then there is the modern day, younger version of Al Davis...MY owner, Daniel Snyder. "Mister" Snyder ought to thank Davis because if it was not for him, everyone would know that Snyder is the biggest idiot in football. You would think that a guy as business-saavy as Snyder would know that stability is a big key to success. Oh no. Let's fire and hire new coaches and coordinators annually...that will help. Take the situation we've got going on at Redskins Park now. Joe Gibbs unexpectedly retires after an emotional and inspiring season. We all expect Gregg "Buster" Williams to get the job since the players love him and he's done a helluva job with the defense over the past few years. But, you treat him like shit instead. You make him interview FOUR fucking times for the job. You then hire Jim Zorn to run the offense before you fire Al Saunders. This weekend, you finally shitcanned Williams (who you interviewed four times to be the head coach by the way) and already named a replacement. And this is all before you name a head coach.

Bravo. And let's look at that head coach search, shall we. Nice job here. It appears that you want Giants D coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo, which would be fine by me. But don't you think that whoever you hire will want to bring in their own staff??? And do you think that a smart person like Spagnuolo would want to work for you? Oh, and you talked with Pete Carroll, huh? Not only am I personally against this, but why would he leave a plush job to work for a guy who will fire him if he disagrees on something as meaningless as the prices of hot dogs at the stadium? God damn, Dan Snyder pisses me off. He actually deserves to be friends with Tom Cruise and Ryan Seacrest. And while it would be almost impossible for me to ever turn my back on the Skins, if Snyder hires Jim Fassel, I might have to do some soul-searching to see if a Redskins fan is something that I truly want to be.

You don't become a billionaire by being stupid (for the most part, you can always kill your way to the top like Frontiere and Anna Nicole). I guess Al Davis and Dan Snyder just had to buy an NFL team before they became retards. PLEASE, both of you, hire general managers and back away from the day-to-day operations. You guys don't now anything about football. You never have and you never will. You are both alienating your fan base with all these power-trips and ego massaging. Sooner or later, the fans are going to go away and not come back.

Here's a new rule at The Money Shot: If you try to ruin a franchise, you get a lifetime supply of Middle Fingers from me. Enjoy this one, you ignorant pricks.

Don't forget to vote in the poll regarding who sucks more: Davis or Snyder. I think it's a real toss-up here. Davis can blame senility at least. Who or what can Snyder blame, scientologists?

Monday, January 28, 2008

At A Loss

I was afraid that this was going to happen. After spending the last 20 Mondays discussing the NFL, I am left here holding my junk today. No games this weekend means that I just have a giant thought bubble with a question mark in it over my head this morning. I don't really know what to talk about. I have some ideas for later in the week, but nothing to get the week started off right. So I guess I'll just run through a couple of things that I noticed from the weekend. I apologize in advance for the mail-in today.

The NBA isn't the most attractive topic in the blogosphere but yesterday's ABC doubleheader was fantastic. The first game, Celtics and Magic, was won at the buzzer on a desperation three by Hedo (not Hedo from Rookie of the Year) Turkoglu. I love it when the Celtics lose. Their fans are getting just a bit too cocky these days. But if I'm a Magic fan, and I assume that there are some, I have to question the offense down the stretch. You have Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis, two of the better young players in the league, and you run your offense through Hedo??? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one? Turkoglu sucks and Paul Pierce was guarding him. Pierce is a pretty good defender and Hedo isn't very good at creating his own shot so why did Ron Jeremy Van Gundy call for him to run the offensive sets? That doesn't make sense and even though it worked, it was still pretty stupid. Oh yeah, fuck Boston.

The second game was fantastic. If you can't enjoy LeBron vs. Kobe, than I feel sorry for you. That was some good basketball. By the way, LeBron has won the last FIVE matchups with the "best player on the planet". LeBron made everything down the stretch to get a big road win, Kobe couldn't even get a shot off and actually passed the ball off to Luke Walton on the final possession. Yeah, LeBron is better...a lot better. Let's just hope that Varejao's ankle injury isn't too serious, the Cavs finally have their rotation set and less Ira Newble (2 dunks yesterday!) is a good thing.

Sasha Vujacic and Hedo are starters on the NBA all-Ugly team. Or maybe the world's all-Ugly team. Just hideous looking people...they make the 2004 Pistons (the ugliest team ever) cringe.

I've had this argument before but I will continue to defend him...Mike Brown is a good basketball coach, dammit. Yeah, LeBron does a lot of it on his own, but the defensive schemes are all Brown's. I watched the pregame show before the Cavs/Suns game on Friday and Brown threw out this gem.
"Phoenix plays a different style than any other team in the league and they are successful doing that."
Thanks for that hard-hitting interview, Coach. Jon-Benet Ramsey could have told me that.

In case you hadn't noticed, Bizarro Larry Hughes has reappeared for the Cavs. For you Cavs novices out there, Larry Hughes sucks old man sack yet somehow he has strung out a few above average games in a row.

A couple of non-NBA things to those of you that are still awake...

Tiger Woods is awesome. Yes, I am breaking news here. This may be the year that he wins the Grand Slam. Nick "Where's Faldo" Faldo agrees.

As far as college hoops go, I could watch Bob Huggins go crazy/get arrested all day. That ESPN featured Creighton/SIU game set the Valley back a few years. Good job by Indiana losing at home to the 6th best Big East team. Yeah, the Big Ten is a good conference. I really enjoy the late night Thursday and Saturday Pac-10 FSN games. UCLA/Oregon and USC/Oregon were two of the best games I have seen all year (and I see a lot, if you don't have three cable-ready TV's set up in your living room, you aren't living). The bottom half of the Big Ten couldn't win the MEAC.

I watched a bit of the NHL All-Star Game last night and I'm not even Canadian. Kudos to Chevy spokesman and central Ohio sex symbol, Rick Nash, on his hat trick. Way to represent the Jackets, Nasher!!! Carry that flag.

Rest in peace, Proposition Joe. The Wire continues to be the sickest show ever.

And finally, I have never wavered on my love for televised bowling. The PBA is great. Yesterday's Tournament of Champions was no exception. My 2nd least favorite bowler ever, Chris "The Douche" Barnes, up 43 pins in the 9th frame, missed a single pin conversion and lost. It was one of the greatest chokes I've ever seen. Fantastic stuff. Bowling rules.

Line of the weekend from Friday night...
Me: Your boy CC's at the Cavs game.
Damman: Is he wearing a Suns hat?

I'm sorry, again, I'll do better tomorrow. I have a great Middle Finger topic, which I have forgotten for the time being, but hopefully I'll remember it by 9:30 tomorrow morning.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Remember Me?

Much like we did a month ago with Gentleman Jim Sorgi, we're going to spend today getting to know an old friend. That friend, you ask, is former Sportscenter anchor and sumo wrestling enthusiast, Jack Edwards. If you remember, Edwards had a penchant in the late 90's of being the voice of some pretty damn obscure sporting events. It was like ESPN was sitting around thinking, we need someone to anchor the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, hop a flight to Tokyo for the Yokozuna's first sumo title defense, and then come back to California for the 1999 World's Strongest Man competition...who should we send??? The answer was always, Jack Fuckin' Edwards. Let's meet the man, the myth, the legend, shall we...FYI, we are getting a lot of this from his NESN bio. I am not linking it because it is a Boston-related website and they are all pedophiles up there.

-born 3/24/1957 somewhere in New England
-attended Oyster River High School in Dunham, New Hampshire (you know he's ghetto)
-played soccer at the University of New Hampshire (only person I've ever heard of that has been in New Hampshire)
-Jack and his wife, Lisa, own Fountainhead Productions in Simsbury, CT; a full-fledge HD production company.
-from 2000-2002, Edwards was the lead play-by-play guy for ESPN's MLS coverage
-known for a memorable call made during the United States' 2002 FIFA World Cup run to the quarterfinals; after the United States upset Portugal, 3-2, Edwards yelled, "Mine eyes have seen the glory!" (how great of a quote is that!)
-while with ESPN, Edwards also called the Little League World Series (was he groped by Harold Reynolds?)
-in 2006, Edwards began calling the NHL for Versus (not one person in America gets that channel)
-this past year, Jack Edwards was named the voice of the Boston Bruins (looks like he finally made it!)

Family:Wife Lisa, Sons John and Elijah, Daughters Nina & Dagny - Dagny is an attractive name...for me to poop on (side note, we need some new Triumph sketches)
Philosophy on being parents of four children: We empathize with penalty killers. We’re always shorthanded. - Good yet stupid analogy
When kids misbehave: We use the hockey system for “time outs”: 2 minutes for a minor, 5 for a major, 10 for misconduct; Haven’t had to assign a match penalty yet. - I assume that "match penalty" means death.
Favorite Sport to watch: Hockey - me too!!! No not really, I prefer women's trick shot billiards
Favorite sports to play: Alpine Skiing, Road Cycling - No offense, but, what a fag
Favorite Food: Ice Cream - Pralines and Dick???
Favorite TV Shows: (Classic) The Beverly Hillbillies, (Modern) The Sopranos - Now the real question is did he enjoy Jim Varney's version of Jed Clampett also starring Rob Schneider?
Favorite Singer or Musical Group: Pat Metheny Group - a jazz band, I looked it up...this guy keeps getting gayer
Favorite Movie: Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail - He's also a huge dork, too!
Favorite Sports Movie: The Blizzard of Aaaaah’s (Ski Movie by Mainer Greg Stump) - What the fuck???
Favorite Piece of Clothing: My sherpa hat, purchased in 1987 - Yep, it's official, Jack Edwards is a male gay.
If you could spend a day with anyone who would it be? My wife. I never see her alone! - this guy uses more exclamation points than Jake Jarmelle.
Most embarrassing moment on television: Howling on the set during Charley Steiner’s lead-in to Carl Lewis’ national anthem. - Possibly the greatest moment in ESPN history, you should not be embarrassed, BE PROUD!
If I could change one thing? Convert to fuel-cell cars that run on hydrogen and expel only water. Good-bye, gasoline and car-related pollution! - Somebody get this guy Ed Begley, Jr's phone number.

-killed fellow anchor Tom Mees for hating on sumo wrestling
-his icy stare can defeat cancer
-prefers skipping over walking
-believes that Ski Patrol was a better picture than Ski School
-has an extensive video collection of Linda Cohn getting it on at a Donkey Show

Alright, how much fun was that??? I think we are going to make this a regular feature here now that the NFL season is dying. Long live Jack Edwards!!! Have a good weekend, I'll be back Monday to break down the NHL All-Star Game (that is what we in the blogging business call a "lie"). I leave you with Jack Edwards talking shit to Roger Clemens and then getting his ass kicked.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Channeling My Inner Larry King

Do you remember the old SNL sketches where Norm McDonald would portray Larry King? He used to make a bunch of different oddball statements with no transitions at all and switch to a different camera after each one. Well, since I'm running on empty this morning, I'm doing that today. Yep, today you get a bunch of non-sequitors that are just floating around in my head. Why? Because I care about my readers.

I'm not surprised at all that Jose Canseco is trying to blackmail Magglio Ordonez to keep him out of his next book. All he wants is money for his movie project. That sounds about right. He's classy.

A cup of yogurt is a very underrated side dish.

The Redskins, now denying that Jim Fassel will be the next coach and are interviewing coordinators before they've fired their current ones and hired a head coach, are the worst run franchise in sports.

I'm one more embarrassing loss from giving up on my Redhawks. Apparently, we have no offense to counteract a 2-3 zone. Drake will be my new team once we lose to EMU at home on Saturday.

The Moment of Truth is a fantastic game show. Welcome back, Mark L. Walberg.

Rambo is the biggest badass in the history of the world. I don't care that he helped the Taliban in Rambo III.

I flipped off 3 people on the way to work this morning and received one bird myself.

One of my few requests thus far for my upcoming nuptials is the banning of Hang On Sloopy. No fucking way am I listening to that garbage.

Having had to work on Monday, it is obvious to me that my employer is a racist.

Every time my boss asks me something, I want to punch her in the ovary. I'm a good employee.

The bitch that works near me has been listening to The Police all week. The Police suck.

My boss has still not gotten us anything for Christmas...just to let you know.

Penis is a funnier word than poop.

People that use the term "va-jay-jay" should be murdered.

I've lost a lot of sleep over the years debating which show was the worst: Everybody Loves Raymond, According to Jim, or That 70's Show.

If you want me to not pay attention to you, start talking politics.

Blackhaus is my new shot of choice at the bar. Delicious. Jagermeister is sooooo 2004.

Larry Hughes makes me think that I could play in the NBA.

I just don't think that Roger Clemens is very smart. Whether or not he shot up is moot, I think he's just a dumb guy.

How does a greek guy named Kosta Koufos come from Canton, OH?

All people that live in Massachusetts should be spayed and neutered.

I have a jar of thumbtacks on my desk and I haven't used one since I've been here.

I've been at least 15 minutes late to work every day this week. But since the boss shows up 25-30 minutes late everyday, it's the perfect crime.

The last few years, being the good Catholic that I am, I gave up red meat for Lent. This year, I'm strongly considering going vegetarian. No, I'm not gay.

I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a very long time.

Well, that was sort of fun. I'm going to spend the rest of the morning getting back into G$ mode and out of the Larry King role. Wish me luck. If you have any more completely irrelevant blanket statements that you'd like to make, leave them in the comments.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Big Ten Basketball Is Even More Brutal In Person" Edition.

***Ohio State is mediocre, Illinois is just plain terrible - Last night, I attended my first college basketball game at The Schott (I went to many games at St. John Arena which is a Mecca for basketball). Nothing beats free tickets that are 5 rows off the floor. But, my God, what a crappy game. A couple of notes...Evan Turner is going to be a better player than his other more highly-touted freshman teammates Kosta Koufos and John Diebler. Sean Pruitt is a beast and I was looking forward to him killing Koufos in the post, but Pruitt sat out. Seeing Gene Keady's combover close-up is always breathtaking. Jamar Butler is a very underrated player. Bryan Randle sucks. Michael Jordan's son has been relegated to a defensive sub. Bruce Weber should be embarrassed for bringing that team out on the floor considering he can pick who he wants in the Chicago-area. Illinois might be the worst team in the country and the Buckeyes beat them by 6 at home.

***Rick Majerus is erotic - If you have time, do yourself a favor and read this SI article about St. Louis coach and lovable teddy bear, Rick Majerus. It's a bit long but the stories in there are amazing/disturbing. My favorite part happens to be the most "sexual" part...that he has the propensity to talk to his players completely nude. He has shown his dick to his teams before to illustrate a point. Priceless. Who doesn't love this guy? Thanks to the evil genius, 289, from With Leather for the arousing photo you see at the top.

***I hope this "mystery candidate" finds Springfield's Mystery Spot - Sunday, during Fox's crazy hat pregame show, NFL genius Jay Glazer reported that my Redskins were interviewing a "mystery candidate" for the head coaching job. The only problem is that that candidate is former Giants lunkhead, Jim Fassel. I swear to God, I will kill Dan Snyder if he hires Fassel. How is he more qualified than Gregg "Buster" Williams??? I hate Fassel, always have. I don't want to root for a team that he coaches. And if this does go down, the NFC East will officially have the worst head coaches in any division in the league. Please don't let this happen. Although I would like his guarantees of the Skins making the playoffs.

***Tom Brady was not wearing an aircast, it was a pair of Starbury's - Please stop talking about this. Brady is fine. This is being blown completely out of proportion. Tom Brady is the best QB of all time. It's true. Do you really think that a tweaked ankle is going to keep him from cementing his legacy in the game? Back to the AFC Championship game for a second, it's being reported that Philip "The Slavemaster" Rivers played that game with a torn ACL. Wow. If he wasn't such a deplorable human being, I would say that that was the most impressive thing I've ever seen. But I won't because he's a dick salad with no lettuce.

***The Knicks might be The Gestapo - You've got to love the Knicks. They provide so many great storylines. This might be my favorite (even more than the harrassment trial when Marbury admitted to banging a front office employee in the back of his SUV). Former coach and current vagabond, Larry Brown, believes that the Knicks have spies. SPIES! He thinks that his former employer hires people to watch over their players and employees at all time. Hmmmm, they can't figure out the salary cap but are capable of espionage??? I don't think that I buy this, but it is the Knicks so you never know.

***The King still loves the Yankees - I heard this on Mike and Mike this morning while I was driving to work. LeBron is releasing his new shoe this week (or whenever, not really important) and there is a special edition of the expensive footwear. In the New York area, for the affordable price of $250, you can pick up a pair of Yankee-esque LeBron's!!! I guess they feature pinstripes and say "Le-Bron James, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap" on the tongue. I love it. I'm sure Clevelanders will be pissed about this, but fuck you, if anyone in NE Ohio could afford $250 shoes, then maybe he would make an Indians-related edition. Go spend your money on the new Grady Sizemore replica plaster anus, Tribe fans.

***Heath Ledger loves to make crappy movies...and overdosing - Famous people are retarded. When will they learn? I'm not going to dwell on this much because, as I've always said, you should never feel bad for a millionaire. Good riddance, if you can't handle your vast fame and fortune and plowing through whatever you want, I'm fine with you checking out early. Piece of shit. FYI, before I get a lot of hate, this is waaaaaaay different than the Sean Taylor situation. Ledger overdosed while naked, 21 was killed in his sleep.

And finally, I came across a fantastic look-a-like at The Schott last night. Let me know what you think. Kosta Koufos (who is quickly challenging Hansbrough as my least favorite player) looks like the inbred bastard son of Sylvester and Frank Stallone. He just needs a better tan like his dads. Think about it...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Middle Finger: Funky FOX Hats

I get it. It was cold in Green Bay this past weekend. But this is the NFL for chrissakes. It's no time to be a bitch. It's the NFC Championship game! The FOX studio crew and a sideline reporter acted like the game was played on the ice planet of Hoth (you better believe that I can bust out an Empire Strikes Back reference at any time)! I don't care if you want to bundle up off camera, but when the camera is on you, try not to look like an idiot.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes to "Funky FOX Hats".

Let's start first with studio host, Curt Menefee. You could tell that Menefee didn't want to be there and he perpetuated the stereotype that African Americans hate the cold. But I give him credit, he could have easily worn some type of insulated headwear, but no, he toughed hit out. He hit the airwaves with nothing on his bald dome and I respect that. I could do without the scarf (if a guy wears scarf, no matter what the temperature, that is a telltale sign that he is gay). Kudos to you, Curt.

Terry Bradshaw. Ugh. I HATE guys that wear those stupid caddy hats. How do those things protect you from the cold any way? He looked like the world's worst bag handler. Like you would be lined up from 100 yards out on a par 4 and he would recommend a 5 wood. You know, because he's an idiot and that stupid hat (Dusty "Dut" Baker rocked that same look during the World Series this year and he, too, failed to make it work) doesn't help change my opinion. He looked like Grover Dill from A Christmas Story! Only drug dealers and morons wear caddy hats...which group do you think Bradshaw falls under?

Jimmy Johnson decided to wear one of those wraps that covers your ears and that left his normally statuesque hair, a veritable mess. I like Jimmy for reasons that I can't quite comprehend since he coached my least favorite teams in NFL history. He's poignant and knows what he's talking about. And I thought his look Sunday was great. Not the choice of headgear, mind you, but just that that hair was all over the place. That "head wrap" look sucks beyond recognition. You wind up looking homeless or like Bill Belichick (isn't that the same thing?). I think my grandma got me one of those things a few years back and it immediately went into a dumpster. Grandma, I look gay enough as it is, I don't need your help.

And then there is the Fargo look. On a completely unrelated soapbox, Fargo is one of the worst movies ever made. Fargo is Hollywood's version of a hangover're not quite sure what's going on, there are some decent moments, but in the end you feel worse and even more confused. Anyway, Howie Long and Chris Myers both rocked these ridiculous hats. Is there anything more funny-looking than 2 grown men ON TV wearing a hat with bulky ear flaps??? Yeah guys, you may have been a bit warmer, but there aren't many people clammering for the "Flick from A Christmas Story" fashion trend (wow, 2 references to that movie). It would have been awesome if Menefee wore the Schwartz extremely long stocking cap. By the way, Howie Long is an idiot. Did he have to go hunting as soon as the game ended and wanted to be dressed and ready to go? I'm sure all your fans in Raider Nation were proud of that manly display. And shame on you, Chris Myers. The Fargo hat AND mittens??? MITTENS! You're a grown man (may not be true), not a 6 year old girl (may be very true).

FOX makes me laugh. These guys just don't care how stupid they look. The only thing that matters to them is putting out a mediocre broadcast with a lot of forced laughter. And it is embarrassing, too. Not just to them, but to all of us. Say you're watching the halftime show, Howie Long is breaking down his role in Broken Arrow, and your hooker walks in.
Them: Why are you watching a show about ice fishing?
You: It's the NFC Championship.
Them: Oh, he looks like a retard. I'm going to go clean the gonorrhea stains off your bed.
You: Thanks and when you're done, come back down here because I'm going to cut your head off.

All I'm asking for is some professionalism, FOX. I pray that the Super Bowl pregame show has you guys in suits and not wife-beaters. Enjoy this Middle Finger assfucks, maybe you can remember what it was like to be men and not the prepubescent girls that you were on Sunday.

***Finally, I'm going to be waddling my ass to The Schott tonight to see some crappy Big Ten basketball (Illinois/Ohio State). I'll have a rundown tomorrow.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Worst of the Conference Championships

Brett Favre wants YOU to intercept him. You see, when he points to you and you are on defense, he's going to throw the ball right to you. That "C" on his jersey stands for crippling turnover.

Well, our Super Bowl matchup has been set. Are you excited? I am because in my mind, these are the two best teams in the game. When the Giants are blocking and not turning the ball over, they are clearly a dominating team. And the Patriots, while kind of boring and having not covered a spread in seven games, deserve to be there. But it wasn't all good. There were those that had shitty games on the big stage with the bright lights on them. And while I should be on this list for having a profession that works on MLK Day, I just missed the cut. Here we go, 5 guys that had worse weekends than Butchie from The Wire (but who cares, it means Omar is back! And McNulty is slowly going insane!)...

5. Packer S Nick Collins - One could argue that the complete mindfuck penalty on Collins (not related to The Golden Arm of Todd) changed the dynamic of the game. If you remember, the Giants had a third and long and Eli's pass was batted down at the line. Collins, on a blitz, drilled Eli 2 seconds after he released it to garner a personal foul, an automatic first down, and an eventual Brandon Jacobs touchdown. Come on, idiot, you've got play smart. Not even the late, great Sean Taylor, who always led the league in stupid penalties, would have done that. By the way, we should have all known after the first play of the game that the Giants would win. Brandon Jacobs, who I stated last week is the NFL player I would least like to tackle, bowled over Chuck Woodson. That was a statement run...and Woodson wasn't the same after absorbing that monster money shot.

4. Thomas E. Brady, Junior - Yeah, yeah, they won and our going to the Super Bowl for the 4th time in 7 years. But that was not a vintage Brady game. He was skittish and kind of sucked. To be honest, I was more impressed with Philly Rivers than I was with Brady. Rivers, the self-proclaimed worst QB ever, showed a lot of guts and made some good throws. The numbers don't back me up on this, but I thought he was the best QB on the field yesterday. And that hurts to say because I hate Rivers. But back to Brady, three picks and 2 of them were crushing. You just know that gamblers around the world are fuming about the INT he threw to Cromartie in the end zone. That was a spread crusher right there. And what the fuck, where has Randy Moss gone? It isn't like the Chargers threw a bunch of junk defenses out there, they run the same sets every game. That was poor and Brady is going to need to play a lot better than that if they are going to beat the G-Men (AKA the 2005 Steelers).

3. Al Harris - If it weren't for two superstars having absolutely rotten performances, Harris would be #1 by far. Plaxico absolutely manhandled him all game long. He was abysmal. Harris was out of position almost every down and was slow to react. That was terrible. I loved how he was jawing with Burress eventhough Plax had 11 catches and Harris had more penalties than he did pass break-ups. The Pack were hoping that their "Pro Bowl" corners could handle one-on-one so they could sell out on Jacobs and Bradshaw. The CB's failed...miserably. How about Eli though? Did he just make "the leap"? He has been sensational (channeling my inner-Vitale). Wow. I couldn't believe who I was watching. I'm happy for him. I think he was just inspired by playing in Wisconsin, the birthplace of his favorite beverage, Miller Genuine Draft. It's almost 10 am on 1/21 and Al Harris just got beat again by Burress.

2. LaDanian Tomlinson - Why even make the fucking trip, you bitch? You talked all week about how you were going to play and then you came out with that? 2 carries, 5 yards, almost 3 hours of wearing a big coat with your helmet on. Way to suck it up when your teammates needed you the most. Don't you think that your offense could have used you in the red zone to convert some of those field goals into touchdowns? The Patriots were ripe for the picking yesterday and you just rolled over and died. Slavemaster Rivers gutted it out and played well. My least favorite college hoops player ever, Antonio Gates, played his ass off despite his injuries. You? Get me my big coat, some mittens, and a new facemask shield. Pussy. But across the field, why weren't the Pats using Maroney more all season. He seems like a pretty damn effective RB to me. Were they just so hell-bent on blowing teams out that they didn't want to run the ball? Probably, but Maroney is a stud. And LT is a pussy. And how about that? 3 playoff games and Norv had 3 great game plans. Maybe the guy can coach...nah, that's not true. One more thing about the AFC championship before we forget about it forever...that game sucked. I was much more intrigued by the Miami/Buffalo hoops game on FSN with the dulcet tones of Michael Reghi (the voice of the 1981 state champion Napoleon Wildcats basketball team!).

1. Brett Favre - Now THAT is the Brett that we all know and love. The "riverboat gambler" that is too caught up in his own mystique to realize that he can't force throws anymore. He was awful. If you take out that bomb to Driver that was a 25 yard pass and all run after the catch, his numbers looked like an Alex Smith game. That was going to be his legacy game. That was going to give us the most watched Super Bowl game ever. That was going to be his coup de gras (French, yeah!!!). But what did we get, well, we didn't get the Brett that fooled us all year. We got the Brett we've all grown to know and love. The 39 year old dumbass that makes more poor decisions than a retard. Even Lawrence Tynes (who is honestly one of the worst kickers in football history and I've always thought that), thinks that Favre had a shitty game. That one is on you, old man, now go away. You are done in the NFL. You caught every single break this year and it wasn't enough. The Packers are much more of an 8-8 team than they are 13-3. They miss the playoffs next eyar with or without Favre.

OK, that's it. Who didn't have a good time today? No one? Now it's time to get sad because I only have one "worst of" column left until I have to come up with something else for Mondays. I'm in trouble. But don't worry, next week I'll run my Super Bowl preview which was incredibly accurate last year. I'll tell you one thing though, call your bookie and take the 13 points. The Giants will not get beaten badly. They play in the NFC East for God's sake, the greatest division in football! Have a good day off, cocksuckers.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Edge NFL Matchup Without Merrill Hoge

Two weeks ago, my predictions for the first round of the NFL playoffs sucked. I may be too lenient on myself when I say that. But last week, I rebounded big time. With the exception of having way too much faith in the Colts, whose coach has a head shaped like Soda Popinski, I was spot on. It reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer hangs out with Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger, and Ron Howard. You see, all Homer wanted to do was develop his own movie, he even had a script! But I felt like Ron Howard after that first week. Every pitch he threw at the movie studios were rejected. And to save his career, he decided to use Homer's story.

"It's about an evil robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. He has to decide if his friend lives...or dies. His best friend is a talking pie."

And that's what I brought to you guys last weekend. My "evil robot driving instructor" was a 3-1 prognostication and 3-1 ATS. This week, I deliver my talking pie. And once these picks come to fruition, you better have two sacks of money, with the dollar signs on the bag, waiting for me. So without further ado, my picks (with or without the dog with the shifty eyes)...

Philip Rivers' San Diego Chargers vs. Thomas E. Brady Jr.'s New England Patriots (-14.5)

On paper, this one shouldn't be close. The Bolts are banged up, have to play in the frigid Northeast, and seem to have won their Super Bowl last week. But that's what can make them scary. They are playing with house money. Antonio Gates and Philip "The Pompous Slavetrader" Rivers (you can see in the pic that he was a douche in college, too) are both highly questionable and haven't practiced all week. Igor Olshansky keeps running his mouth (by the way, with a name like that, he should seriously consider using the nickname "KGB"). I'm sure LaDanian Tomlinson already is on the verge of tears. On the other side, I can see the Patriots making this a statement game. They know what's at stake and that their legacy is on the line here. They know that eventhough the Colts should be here to receive their ass-whuppin', it is not the time to take their foot off the gas. Tom Brady, with or without his bowtie, is goind to know where Merriman and Phillips are at all times. Bill Belichick understands that blitzing, whoever the Bolts QB is, is the way to force turnovers. What it comes down to is this: Would you spot Norv Turner and the Rivers/Volek combo (in your building and in cold weather) over two touchdowns if you had the best coach in the game and the best QB of all time??? Why yes, yes I would. The Patriots haven't covered a spread in something like 6 weeks now, I think it ends here. Go ahead and celebrate, entire douche bag region of New England, you are going to the Super a big way.
Patriots 34, Chargers 10

Eli Manning's New York Giants vs. Brett Favre's Green Bay Packers (-7)

Is Eli Manning (drunk on MGD or not) good enough to go on the road and derail the Brett Favre Comeback Tour? Well, he was at least good enough to stop the Jeff Garcia and Tony Romo Gay Pride Parades. A lot is being made about how cold Lambeau is going to be and I'm sure Chris Berman is getting a two inch boner thinking about it, too. But it is a big story. The running games are going to have to be relied on heavily by both teams. I really like Brandon Jacobs (he's the new Jerome Bettis who is from Detroit if you didn't remember). You can't tackle him by yourself. This is the kind of game made for his style of running. And maybe, just maybe, that will open up a few deep balls for Eli. Can the Giants get pressure on Favre though? The Packer O-Line pass protects better than any team in the league (may not be true) so we will see. On the other side, how good is Brett? The guy is a stud and looking at that picture, he's always been a stud with those rolled up jorts and gigantic cordless phone. Ryan Grant would scare me a bit because if he lays the ball down twice against the Giants, it's over. The Packer linebackers absolutely have to tackle well to win this game. They have to get Jacobs and Bradshaw to the ground right away and force Eli to make throws. Come 10 o'clock on Sunday, the Eli Magic will have worn off. The Giants won't get more than a sack on Favre. John Madden and Peter King's heads (and penises) will explode because Brett Favre is heading back to the Super Bowl...but they won't cover. The weather won't be conducive to big yards and big points.
Packers 20, Giants 14.

Well there you go. Come Monday morning, we will already be annoyed with the media dick-sucking toward Brady and Favre and the Packers/Patriots Super Bowl matchup. Beg to differ? Let me know in the comments and I will let the world know that you are an idiot. Enjoy the weekend.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Howling At The Moon

Last Sunday, American Gladiators made it's somewhat triumphant return back to television. While most of the internet absolutely hated it, the ratings were great. In fact, it was picked up for a second season. I, for one, love it. Oh, I know that it's cheesy and stupid. Layla Ali is a fucking idiot, Hulk Hogan is way too intense, and the contender interviews are absurd. But, whether you love it or hate it, one thing we can all agree on is that the gladiator known as "Wolf" is awesome. I was fortunate enough to sit down with Wolf last night to discuss a few topics.

G$: Thank you for agreeing to do this (fake) interview, Wolf. First things first, how great is it to be a gladiator?

Wolf: I love it. As a 38 year old man who has made a living out of killing homeless people for sport, it's nice to have a job that is less dangerous and provides a stable source of income. Have you ever had someone die in your hands and their last memory was of you laughing maniacally? It's intense. Considering that I wear spandex everyday anyway, this was a logical step for me. I like the look and feel of the material. It really accentuates my bulge.

G$: You do look good in that singlet. Let's talk about Wolf the man though. Who is Wolf?

Wolf: My name is Don Yates. My friends call me "Hollywood". I live in Phoenix. I've had a lot of different jobs. I'm an actor, a bull rider, a professional wrestler, a wolf, a White Goodman lookalike, and a raving, homicidal maniac.

G$: Wait a minute here, Wolf. You live in Phoenix but your nickname is Hollywood? Do you not know where you live or are you illiterate and can't read a map? Or both?


G$: I see your point there. On your website, you list many skills that I find odd for a man of your...look. Care to elaborate on your skills in line dancing, break dancing, soccer, aerobics, ROLLERBLADING, tennis, and golf?

Wolf: The Wolf's personal motto has always been "fuck and kill". I learned line dancing to slaughter toothless hillbillies, break dancing for the coked-up 80's club scene, soccer for the moms, aerobics for the pilates crowd, rollerblading because I like it, and tennis and golf for the rich bitches. I have 4,000+ career "fuck and kills". And I just like to blow off steam on my gnarly rollerblades. I love the feel of the wind whipping through my feathered hair.

G$: I thought you might say that. You also state that you feature a southern and Australian accent. Can I hear them?

Wolf: That is actually a lie. The only languages that I speak are the King's English and the blood-curdling call of the wild. OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

G$: Let's talk about your acting credits for a minute. Your imdb page shows a wide range of roles you have performed. You are, of course, Wolf right now. But Hollywood Yates has also played "Victor" in Vampire Slayers and "Biker #3" in When Shadows Die. Wow, you truly have done it all. How did those roles help you land the dream job of being a gladiator? And is it true, are shadows truly dead?

Wolf: That was just a movie, you fat idiot. Shadows are alive and well. In fact, mine has been trying to strangle me for years now...which is why the Wolf only comes out at night. But back to your original question, both roles that I played have most definitely helped me to become the gladiator and psychopath that I am today. Casting directors don't just give away roles like "Biker #3" or "Victor", you have to earn it. They have to see that you are the right fit and that you will embrace your part. It's the same way that I approached my tryout for American Gladiators. When I walked into the casting room with Mike Adamle and, unprovoked, ripped out his throat with my sharp and jagged Wolf teeth, they knew I meant business. They knew that Don "Hollywood" Yates was the real deal.

G$: It sounds delicious. Give us some dirt on the show though, who do you like, who do you hate?

Wolf: The Wolf is a loner. He has no friends, only enemies. He roams the desert at night searching for his next conquest. He enjoys the taste of flesh and the sexual gratification of popping a load on a family of rattlesnak--

G$: OK, that's enough of that. We get it, you are not human. Wolf, you truly are one sick son of a bitch. Before we go our separate ways, what can we expect from you the rest of the season on American Gladiators?

Wolf: Get ready because you will see the first ever network televised death. I don't want to spoil too much of it, but let's just say that a game of Powerball goes completely wrong and I end up stabbing a contender with a light sabre that I smuggled up my ass before the event started.

G$: Sounds sexy. Well good luck with all that, Wolf, and keep reaching for the stars.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Some People Just Aren't Smart" Edition.

***Laurinaitis is dumber than Katzenmoyer - It's that time of year when underclassmen have to declare their intentions for either going pro or staying in school. I just don't understand what Little Animal is thinking here. Buckeye fans, put your own selfishness aside for a minute, how dumb is this? You've only got so many hits on your body and when the time is right, you need to go get paid. Laurinaitis is guaranteed to drop no further than 7th in the draft, would get at least 15-20 million in guaranteed coin, and could step right in and replace Junior Seau on a Super Bowl champion defense. But for some reason, he decided to stay in college for another year. I'm not really sure why. I know that his family doesn't need the money. Does Tressel pay better than the NFL (a very good possibility)? Does he want to be included on the list of Big Ten players killed by USC? Does he want to get embarrassed in January again? No one knows but him. But I know that this is a stupid move. Go get paid, you've already done what you could in college.

***Congress knows nothing about baseball but has no problem pointing fingers - Yesterday, Bud Selig and Don Fehr went to Capitol Hill to get drilled by the people who apparently have nothing better to do. The best part of this entire bore-a-thon was that congress butchered the pronounciation of almost everyone's name. Some bitch referred to Selig as "Mr. Selleck", another idiot called Raffy Palmiero "Palmerry", and Giants GM Brian Sabean was referred to as "Mr. Suh-beeen". Look, if you are going to grill these guys for allowing drugs to run rampant, at least know the names of the people. That's pathetic. And these are the same people who likely all have received illegal campaign funds. USA! USA! USA!

***Jason Garrett is actually very smart - You all know that I compliment a Cowboy about as much as I praise terrorists, but in this instance, Garrett is a genius. He knows that Plasticface Jones wants to keep him. He knows he is a hot commodity around the league. He knows that if he plays his cards right, he will get the position that he wants. Garrett will likely get offered the job in Baltimore and Atlanta. He will then take that back to Plasticface and say "you give me the head coach job here in Dallas or I walk." And thus Plasticface fires Wade and Garrett gets the job that he's wanted for a long time. It's actually quite genius. Don't hate the player, hate the game. But I would be said to see Wade go. He allows me to play one of my favorite games...the "What Old Country Singer Does Wade Have Playing In His Headset" game. Last week: Loretta Lynn.

***Pacman Jones would have done the same thing to Dan Fielding - Ah yes, Pacman is back at the strip clubs and better than ever. Now it's being reported that Mr. Total Nonstop Action punched a female lawyer in the eye in a strip club office. He accused either her or the club of stealing his watch and other stuff. This is fantastic. I could read stories about Pacman all day. The guy dabbles in a lot of sweet things: whether it be the NFL, strip clubs, professional wrestling, or breaking the law, Pacman Jones truly is a Renaissance Man. And he should be commended for his blatant disregard of human decency to instead do whatever the hell he wants to.

***Rich Rodriguez wasn't in Boiler Room - Remember that scene in Boiler Room where Giovanni Ribisi's character comes back to the office to see some guy shredding a bunch of incriminating shit? Well, apparently, Dick-Rod did the same thing before leaving WV. Hilarious. "Sources" state that all of WV's player files have disappeared and that it's like none of these player's histories even existed. My question is this...why wasn't this stuff all on a computer? If this information was truly important, than why was it sitting in a dusty filing cabinet in the coach's office? Oh wait, computers aren't scheduled to be introduced into West F'n Virginia until 2012. I just answered my own question. The more you hear about him, the more you have to think that Dick-Rod is a sleezebag. Enjoy the recruiting scandal in a few years, Michigan fans.

***Hockey still doesn't get it - I don't claim to be a hockey expert even though I've watched more of it this year than I have in my entire life. But one thing I do know is that the strike was terrible for the sport and player salaries were one of the main reasons for the lockout. So what does hockey do? The Capitals sign Alexander Ovechkin to a 124 million dollar contract. Those idiots are falling into the same trap again. If Ovechkin, who I'm told is good, gets this much scratch, than what is Sidney Crosby going to command when it's time for him to negotiate? 200 mill? Nip this in the bud (whatever that means), Gary Bettman, or you're going to have more labor pains ahead. And I don't want to see that, I'm actually enjoying Blue Jackets hockey this year.

***I'm tired of Tom Cruise - I don't quite know what to say here. Tom Cruise being crazy is about as rare as a story of Simon Cowell being a jerk. Let me just give you a quote from a video that has him preaching about aliens and L. Ron Hubbard. “It’s rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast,” he says. “It’s a blast. It really is fun, because ... there is nothing better than ... going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better.” This has got to be the first time that a "religion" has been deemed wild and wooly. What an idiot. Yes, he's a Redskins fan, too.

Alright, I'm outta here. Tomorrow, I've got a fun one planned. I promise.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Middle Finger: Commercial/Play/Commercial

This topic is a little bit harder to explain than my usual Middle Finger topics. Thus, I'm stealing The Big Picture's "Grind My Gears" photo. It also adds to my rage that this week's Family Guy was one of the worst episodes ever. I mean seriously, an episode with Peter growing a mustache should be hilarious. It wasn't. It wasn't even close to being funny after the first 5-6 minutes once they dropped the mustache storyline and racial stereotypes.

But let's get back on task as this topic has been pissing me off for years now. And eventhough I just witnessed a girl falling down and spilling coffee all over herself and somehow managed to not laugh in her face, I'm still pissed. Today's topic has been fucking up football games for way too long.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the football-carrying network's practice of going "commercial - play - commercial".

You know what I'm talking about. A team scores a big touchdown, kicks the extra point, we get a commercial, we get the kickoff, and then we get another commercial. Total time wasted between offensive snaps is somewhere around 8-9 minutes. I've had enough of it. It sucks. It slows the game down to a crawl. The fans at the game lose their ability to be excited because their team scored 15 minutes ago and the time to go nuts has passed. The people at home forget what the hell just happened because Joe and Troy come back from the second break talking about Jessica Simpson or something stupid.

I understand why this is done, networks need their money, too. But fuck that, you are here to entertain us, not line your pockets with money from the boner medicine fatcats. Here is what I propose to rid us of having to endure more commercials during the game than offensive drives. Just make the breaks a commercial or two longer and cut down on the number of breaks you have. Instead of the usual "Brett Favre touchdown pass, 2-3 minutes of fake Coors Light press conferences, touchback kickoff, 2-3 minutes of an old man trying to get a hard-on, and then back to the game which is being interrupted by Dan Dierdorf combing the drool out of his mustache", why not just extend it to one 3-4 minute commercial break after the extra point and keep the flow of the game moving? Would anyone complain about this?

I mean, seriously, is that so hard? You could cut down 15 minutes from each telecast. I would much rather sit through one long commercial block than 2 commercial blocks. And although networks can't guarantee this, there are always injury timeouts to fit in a few more blocks of ads. I realize that everyone is DYING to find out which unfunny Raymond re-run is on Monday night on the local Fox affiliate, but I think they'll get over it. Ugh, it's so frustrating. I'm talking "stick your wang in a light socket" frustrating.

Basically, what I'm saying is, and I think that everyone can agree with me here, is more Eli Manning facial expressions and less Playstation 3 "Ladies and Gentleman".

Fuck you, greedy network execs. And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes to the practice of "Commercial - Play - Commercial".

It's my least favorite part of the NFL (right up there with Herm! Edwards still being employed). If you agree, let me know. Got another one? Well, I'll decide if it's worse.

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Worst of The Conference Semis

Before we get started today, I do have a personal announcement. Yes, I did get engaged this weekend (to a woman!). But this is a blog, dammit, not the Ellen Show. We focus on being a complete dickhead here, not our feelings. And to quote the great Terrell Owens (kind of), "this is my blog...this is my release from work...and to criticize it, it's unfair." So let's talk about some NFL goodness because God knows, it was great this weekend. Sadly, we only have 3 games left in the season but we can still beat them to death in the meantime.

Much like I thought, Saturday's games sucked and Sunday's games (especially the NFC East tilt) were fantastic. My predictions rebounded as I went 3-1 straight up and 2-2 ATS. Not great, but not bad either. And to be honest, no one outside of southern California had the Bolts even staying close yesterday. I'll take it. Let's get going, a 5 pack of sucktitude...

5. Jerry Austin - Not only is this decrepit monkey skeleton a walking corpse of a referee who should have retired 5 years ago, but he is apparently crooked, too. Seriously, the guy looks and sounds worse than Dick Clark. The NFL should be ashamed at how obvious the refs were trying to get the Colts a win yesterday. It was like they weren't even trying to be objective. Two calls stand out to me. First, on the Cromartie pick before halftime, the refs made up a holding call on Eric Weddle to negate the touchdown. And second, in the 4th quarter, safety Clinton Hart was called for a pass interference on Reggie Wayne even though he never touched him and the ball was overthrown by 10 yards. This crew should be fired. That was pathetic. Watching the Jags/Pats game, I noticed something that scared the shit out of me and made me call blog commenter and man likely not allowed back into the state of Louisiana ever again, Damman...Jerome fucking Boger was refereeing a playoff game!!! Scary, scary stuff.

4. Jacksonville's Linebackers - I really don't have a big problem with how the Jags played. They played hard, they were physical, and they didn't make a ton of mistakes, but they just weren't good enough to beat the Patriots. You've got to feel a little bit bad for the Jags though. I think that they are the second best team in the NFL, better than the Colts, and would steam-roll through the NFC...they are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But that being said, the linebackers (as I said on Friday) were slow and provided no blitz pressure at all. Laurence Maroney isn't very good yet they couldn't stop him. Brady was able to drop passes on them in their soft zone all night. It just wasn't a very good performance by these guys. A few more things about the Jags before we take them out back and shoot them. I love this team. David Garrard is a top 8 QB. Jack Del Rio is a fantastic coach. The running backs and special teams are all top notch. They know what they are doing down there, they aren't going anywhere.

3. Seattle's Pass Rush - Let me get out the old prediction quote here..."But, to me, they seem like that team that is great at home but sucks on the road. They still have no running game, their QB isn't that good, and their defense thrives off the home crowd noise." Wow, could I have been more right? They do suck on the road. Shaun Alexander still sucks no matter what anyone else tries to say. Their QB isn't that good. Yes, he is a whiny, bald bitch, but he isn't good. And their defense, outside of QWest Field, is mediocre at best. They are a defense built for dry conditions. If you throw in any weather elements, they are done. By the way, I was ready to put Ryan Grant at #1 after his shitty start. Good for him for righting the ship and realizing that if you don't turn the ball over, the Seahawks will roll over and die. I loved the classic cliche of the frozen tundra coming to fruition...hilarious. You just know that John Madden was watching that game on his bus and grinding his dick raw as Brett Favre was "acting like a kid out there".

2. Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, and Bob Sanders - The Colts should be ashamed of themselves. That is inexcusable. I love how everyone was all "the Colts are flying under the radar". Maybe they were under the radar because they weren't that good and no one wanted to talk about them. Manning had the worst 400 yard passing game I've ever seen, Addai has been average all year, and the defense never was really that good. And if CBS showed Marvin Harrison one more time I was going to break the TV. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING besides that awesome fumble of his. He wasn't "back" either. Oh, he was on the field, but he hurt the team when he was out there. And can we now say that (besides Brian Billick) Tony Dungy is the worst Super Bowl winning coach of all time??? Seriously, he's had one of the two best teams in football over the last 6-7 years and he has only one Super Bowl appearance to show for it. I mean for God's sake, you were outcoached by Norville Turner!!! In your barn!!! But enough about the Colts, I have to give some major credit to the Bolts. They won that game in Indy with no LT, a hobbling Gates, a terrible QB, and a rotten coach. That is impressive. For the first time all season, Rivers did look pretty good when he was in there. But you had to laugh when he hurt his knee after not getting touched on a screen pass. Good stuff. I could do without his immature trash talk that makes him look pathetic, but he played very well yesterday. And he's going to need to play twice as good if they want to have a shot next Sunday.

1. TONY ROMO!!! - My upset special was nailed right on the head this weekend and I couldn't be more pleased. Let's break down what we know, shall we? Tony Romo is the reason that Tony Romo is 0-2 in the playoffs. Wade Phillips has never won in the postseason (and never will). Like Brandon Jacobs said earlier this year, Patrick Crayton sucks. Roy Williams is still the most overrated player in football. Brandon Jacobs is the one guy in the NFL that I wouldn't try to tackle even if I would get a million dollars for the attempt. Eli Manning is tits on the road. The Cowboys 4th quarter offense looked like they called nothing but "60 stretch far(yawn)"!!! Man, I'm hilarious. That was a very well crafted Diet Pepsi Max joke. Is there anything better than T.O.'s tears in the press conference after the game? I think not. "That's my teammate. That's my quarterback. To criticize him, it's unfair." I watched that 4-5 times last night and laughed maniacally after each showing. Classic. Oh wait, there is one thing that is funnier than T.O. Yeah, watching plastic-face Jerry Jones stand on the sidelines a loser...AGAIN!!! If I haven't made it perfectly clear to you all earlier, I fucking hate the Cowboys. Go to Hell, Romo, I always knew you sucked. You didn't fool me. Enjoy blowing Joe Simpson all winter.

Well there you have it. We've got a couple of pretty good games for the conference championships coming up this weekend. But on that note, I'm out of here, I've got to go to the mall and see if I can get some sunglasses like T.O. was wearing last know, to hide the tears.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Redemption Song

As you all probably know, this weekend marks the best weekend in the NFL of the entire season. We are left with raging mega-huge boners of football games. The docket is chock full of great players, great storylines, and great teams. After our impressive 1-3 straight up and 1-3 ATS predictions last weekend, we are looking for retribution. Unlike the douchebag in your freshman dorm who thought he was a musical savant because he listened to Bob Marley even though he was white, I'm not just acting like I know what I talk about. I am going to rebound today and make nothing but quality picks because I know the NFL like Peter King knows coffee. For the record, I didn't really know a certain person like this, but everyone knows one of these guys and everyone hates this guy. It's like "Ooooh, you're a white kid from suburbia, I'm sure that this reggae music really speaks to you!" Asses. Well, I hope that after this week when I go 4-0, you stop comparing me and my NFL picks to "that guy". Time for some redemption...pun intended. Last week, I provided pictures of die hard fans of the teams playing, this week, we are going with classic players from the days of yore for the franchises. Here we go...

Dave Krieg's Seattle Seahawks vs. Don Majkowski's Green Bay Packers

Yeah, yeah, Seattle won by 3 scores last week (which I totally blame on Buke by the way). But, to me, they seem like that team that is great at home but sucks on the road. They still have no running game, their QB isn't that good, and their defense thrives off the home crowd noise. Green Bay used to be unbeatable at home but since they've played like shit in the cold this season, that doesn't mean anything anymore. You're going to see that dumbass "we want the ball and we're going to score" soundbite about a million times in the next 24 hours. Fuck that. I hate that bald fuck. Brett Favre's dream season will likely end without a Super Bowl win, but it isn't going to end this week. I prefer a bratwurst and a beer BY FAR over sushi and a non-fat mocha latte. The Packers win this one easily because of the better, more heart-clogging food.
Packers 31, Seahawks 20

James Stewart's Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Ben Coates' New England Patriots

This is one thing that I don't get. Everyone is trying to talk themselves into picking the Jags. Just look at the two rosters and the fact that the weather won't be bad...why would you pick against the Pats here??? I like David Garrard but I'm pretty sure that the same coach that still has Peyton Manning confused will cook something up for DG, too. With the Jags slower LB's, this feels like a big Wes Welker game. Almost everyone wants the Jags to pull off the giant upset this weekend, but I don't see it. The NFL wants this undefeated story to continue so expect some questionable calls to go their way. In fact, I don't see this game being very close. The Pats haven't covered a spread in what feels like an eternity. That changes Saturday night, lay the 13.5.
Patriots 38, Jags 18

Marion Butts' San Diego Chargers vs. Jim Harbaugh's Indianapolis Colts

I would like to thank these two teams from the bottom of my hearts. For as much talent as both teams have, they are both incredibly boring. The Chargers have no idea how to use their talent and the Colts just grind out drives using the same old plays and the same old players. Earlier this year when these two teams met, Peyton threw 6 picks, Vinatieri missed two chippy's, and the Bolts returned two touchdowns on special teams. You would think that they won that game by 40...they won by 2. And that was at home. Am I supposed to believe they're going to be better on the road in the playoffs??? With Antonio Gates likely out, or at least ineffective, this is going to be a rout. Never, ever take Philly "The Slavemaster" Rivers or Norv Turner in a road playoff game (or in a game in general). I can't wait for Crybaby Tomlinson to throw a tantrum at Philly Boy on the sidelines for being terrible. Lay the 8 and reap the rewards for being a smart gambler.
Colts 30, Chargers 10

Phil McConkey's New York Giants vs. Quincy Carter's Dallas Cowboys

Before we get to the game, how great of a Tecmo Bowl return man was Phil McConkey??? And who the hell thought that Quincy Carter could play in the League??? This is my favorite game of the weekend by far. It's NFC East football so you know it's great. The coaches are terrible. The quarterbacks are rotten. It's going to be awesome. The G-Men showed me a lot last week. I didn't think that they could win a road game in January...and they flat out dominated. On the other hand, the Cowboys are a fucking mess. They haven't played well in over a month. Their QB is hanging out in Mexico with his washed-up catcher's mitt of a girlfriend. T.O. won't be 100% if he plays at all. Their offensive coaching staff is being rumored to go elsewhere. They are coached by Wade Phillips who has never won a playoff game. I don't like them at all in this game (well, I just don't like them at all, Dallas should be nuked). It's hard to beat a team three times in one year which is why I think that we see the only upset of the weekend here. For the first time ever, I will be rooting for the Giants. They will likely reward me with a loss and a lot of Romo queer-smirks, but nevertheless, I'm sticking with the underdogs here.
Giants 27, Cowboys 23

There you go, I like the favorites in blowouts except for Dallas. Let's see if I can redeem myself and get back to my winning ways. Because if I don't, those that look to me for gambling advice may kill me Bob Marley-style. You see, it all came full circle there. I'm a writer!!! Have a good weekend and Beat The Ohio's!!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Redskins Going To Hollywood For A Coach

As I said yesterday, I had a conference call with Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, and his good buddy and alien enthusiast, Tom Cruise, yesterday. It was quite interesting to say the least. They gave me their list of potential replacements for Joe Gibbs to be the next head football coach of the team. Now, I will preface this by saying that the fine people over at Brahsome did a similar take on this as well. We here at The Money Shot give them their props for doing a story like this. But that being said, my convo with these guys went a little bit deeper and offered up some more questionable candidates. But enough of that, let's get this started. Snyder and Cruise offered up 8 men who will be interviewed for the job. I will give the case for and against each brilliant man. Let's just say that Snyder is looking to make a big splash with this potential hire. In no particular order...

Graham Lubbock
For: Did a wonderful job coaching whatever Catholic school he was at in Eureka, CA. The Just The Ten Of Us star stepped away from the shadow of Growing Pains to guide his team (the Rhinos I think) to a fantastic season. But they were quarterbacked by Matt LeBlanc and he is likely past his prime now.
Against: His daughters are smoking hot and showed that they would sleep with the players. The Skins don't need distractions like that.

Nate Scarborough
For: What more can you say about this candidate? He led a bunch of convicts to a nationally televised victory over the heavily-favored prison guards. Now granted, the exact same thing happened in the early 1970's, but still, it's hard to beat a team twice when they know that you are going to run the exact same plays that you ran in the first game.
Against: He put himself in the game at tailback. He is in his 60's. I don't want to be sitting around on a Sunday, watching the Skins in a tight game against the Eagles, and have the fucking coach enter himself into the game for a goalline carry.

Danny O'Shea
For: Much like Gibbs coaching job this season to get his team into the playoffs, O'Shea's turn-around of the Little Giants can not be ignored. He took a band of misfits and molded them into a championship caliber team.
Against: He's too big of a dork. While he did beat the Cowboys in the championship game, I still can't trust him to win consistently in the NFL. He does have football running through his veins seeing that his brother won the Heisman trophy, but I don't think he could motivate grown men. For God's sake, his best player was his daughter!

Coach Jones
For: This one is kind of a stretch because it would be hard to sell the Skins fan base on a coach who has only coached hgih school football before. But Coach Jones is a player's coach, a calming influence, and whose demeanor reminds Mr. Snyder of Joseph Gibbs.
Against: Come on, we know who this guy is. If the Skins would hire him, there would be more retards on the sidelines than players! Now, I realize that the Cowboys have employed this practice before, but we don't need to copy them, do we?

Sean Porter
For: Who doesn't love The Rock? In the classic Gridiron Gang, he made all these delinquent kids believe in each other and really take it to the elitist white high school. He seems to possess a lot of street cred and could form bonds with today's modern, gun-wielding professional athlete.

Against: Why would you want The Rock as your head coach? He led a team of thugs. If you bring him on, he will likely demand that you sign Mike Vick and Pacman Jones. DC doesn't need that...there's enough crime there already.

Bear Bryant
For: If you saw The Junction Boys, you know that Berenger is a tough (and hilarious) as nails football dictator. Discipline would not be an issue. Training camp would be a bitch for the players, but don't worry, "he ain't quittin'".

Against: The players will HATE him. Imagine Tom Coughlin's supposed disciplinary practices and multiply by 100. There would be big ass mutiny before the season even started.

Sam Winters
For: The head coach of Eastern State knows how to deal with all sorts of crazy personalities. That is a perfect trait for a head football coach. He's not the best X's and O's guy, but he was in The Godfather, dammit! And Rollerball (but not the classic show, Roller Jam)!
Against: His Eastern State Wolves teams are always under investigation. He allowed steroids, illiteracy, drunk motorcycling, rape, etc. That's all fine and good because you've got to do whatever it takes to win, but the Skins don't need that kind of extra negative attention.

And finally...

Hayden Fox/Coach Nickerson
For: What more can you say, the resume speaks for itself. Nickerson took the white trash Ampipe High program to new heights before taking a promotion at Cal Poly. The he disappeared for awhile and popped up again under a new name (Hayden Fox) and with a better job (head coach at Minnesota State). Clearly, he is self-motivated and not content with being just a college coach. The way his Screamin' Eagles team won the Pineapple Bowl was a thing of beauty. He is clearly at the pinnacle of his profession.
Against: He will probably want to bring in his own staff. The Redskins don't want any part of Defensive Coordinator/Certifiable Idiot, Luther Van Damme, or the shaggy Special Teams Coach, Dauber.

I would like to thank Mr. Snyder and the batshit crazy Tom Cruise for filling me in regarding their coaching search. Clearly, this team is in good hands.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

So Long, Coach

We are postponing The Hump yet again this week. I know, I know, you're thinking "But I wanted your opinion on Britney Spears' latest meltdown!!!" Get over it.

So, the Washington Redskins are in search of a new coach now that the legendary Joseph Jesus Gibbs has stepped down yet again. He has decided to spend more time with his family, his race team, and, as evidenced by this picture, guys with bad haircuts and perfectly symmetrical mustaches. I don't blame him, it was the right time to go. Allow me the liberty to talk about this for a second or so.

First of all, I will always believe that Joe Gibbs is the greatest football coach of all time. Think about it, Belichick has Brady, Walsh had Montana, Lombardi had Bart Starr, Jimmy Johnson had Troy Aikman's homoerotic concussions, and Landry had Staubach. Who did Gibbs have for his 3 rings? Household names like Joe Thiesmann, Doug Williams, and Mark Rypien. None of those guys that I previously mentioned could win Super Bowls with these quarterbacks. I like to think that Belichick would have killed Mark Rypien...or at least fucked his wife.

But anyway, that was a long time ago. Let's talk about the legacy of Gibbs Version 2.0. It wasn't always the easiest thing to root for. Gibbs had a tendency to look highly confused, waste timeouts, make bad challenges, and not know the rules. But honestly, every coach now a days does at least a few stupid things. For God's sake, just look at Wade Phillips! The fact remains that in his 4 years, he led his team to the playoffs twice. I would have loved to have won the division but the past horrible moves conducted by the front office have crippled this team and may continue to do so. Now granted, some of those moves (Brunell), were his fault, but he's a coach, not a GM. I'm talking about the coach here, not the personnel man. And even though his record was not up to his past standards, going to the playoffs every other year with the mediocre talent available is highly commendable.

With that being said, I truly feel that he went out on top. With all the shit that happened this past year, getting into the playoffs was a Redskins fans bastardized version of winning the Super Bowl. I know that sounds like loser talk, but it's true. It rarely happens, but the season is over and I'm still proud of my team. And it's all because Coach Gibbs kept the team together and had them playing with a purpose. A job well done indeed. I wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors whether it be the health of his grandson, his franchise of left-turn only drivers, or his "consulting" with the Skins. Note to Dan Snyder, Joe should be allowed to give speeches to the team but should be banned from the draft war room or any talks regarding free agents.

When you think about it, Gibbs' last win was at home against the hated Cowboys...sounds like a good one to go out on to me.

Tomorrow, we will break down the coaching search as I have a conference call with Redskins owner Dan Snyder and his buddy Tom Cruise this aren't going to want to miss that one.

Before I go, a big "fuck you" to the asshole in Africa who is trying to make purchases online with my debit card. Well, prick, I caught that shit and shut my shit down. The joke was on you anyway...I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY!!! Money for fucking, yes, fucking money, no. I feel so priviledged to be on the receiving end of some credit card fraud. Fuck you, asshole.