Sunday, November 30, 2008

Mission Accomplished

As you can see, these people just heard the great news.


Finally, my prayers have been answered. I'm sure that Shane is a great guy and all, but this had to happen. Hell, it should have happened awhile ago. Maybe our President and AD were waiting to see who got the first empty chip from their Taco Bell fully-loaded nachos. He is a stubborn and imcompetent play-caller that made excuses for the team's many shortcomings ("we're just a few plays away" was my favorite). And he had to go. Miami has won TEN games in the past THREE seasons. Shane was 17-31 in 4 years. Am I making sense yet?

Never has the conclusion of a 2-10 season tasted sweeter. I hope to God that I never have to say his name ever again because it will just bring too much pain and heartache back into my life.

So now the arduous task of finding someone to replace those big shoes begins. I think that I have a few decent candidates that would drastically improve the quality of football that my alma mater has been presenting over the past 4 years:
1. a desk lamp
2. a septic tank
3. Terry Schaivo
4. Anyone that can breathe

A new day is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, RedHawk Football will rise again! YES WE CAN!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Remember Guest Post Week?

How could we forget when I took a blogging vacation in late August and let some of my worst commenters run the show for the week? If you recall, I let 5 idiots post separate college football previews. Now it's time to go back in time and revisit those asinine predictions and see who did the best. This is going to be a lengthy post, so strap yourself in:

Top 5 (you get a point for each team that has either 0 or 1 loss at this point in the season)
Drew - Ohio State, Oklahoma, Georgia, USC, Clemson (2)
G-Saul - USC, Clemson, Georgia, Ohio State, Texas Tech (2)
Damman - Georgia, Ohio State, USC, Florida, Missouri (2)
Wig Master - Georgia, Florida, USC, Ohio State, Missouri (2)
Dut - Ohio State, Florida, USC, Georgia, Bowling Green (2)
G$ - Florida, USC, Georgia, Oklahoma, Texas Tech (4)
I'm off to a good start here. The common theme is that Ohio State and Georgia weren't THAT good.

Most Overrated
Drew - Kansas (1)
G-Saul - Ohio State
Damman - Clemson (1)
Wig Master - Notre Dame (1)
Dut - Kansas and Missouri (1)
G$ - Clemson (1)
We are NOT getting into another tickle-fight regarding the definition of "overrated" again!

Most Underrated (I think that Utah could probably be the most underrated team)
Drew - Texas Tech (1)
G-Saul - Nebraska
Damman - South Carolina
Wig Master - BYU
Dut - The entire Big Ten (-10000)
G$ - Kansas

This Year's Kansas (Cinderella team and the correct answers to this are Alabama, Penn State, and Ball State by the way)
Drew - Michigan State
G-Saul - left it blank (-10)
Damman - North Carolina
Wig Master - Nebraska
Dut - Michigan State
G$ - Pittsburgh

First Coach Fired (I think it was Ty Willingham eventhough he was allowed to finish the season)
Drew - Joe Paterno
G-Saul - Chazz Weis
Damman - Kirk Ferentz
Wig Master - Chazz Weis
Dut - Chazz Weis
G$ - Kirk Ferentz
Ironically, all of these guys are going to bowl games.

3 Bold Predictions
Drew - Tebow comes out of the closet, Notre Dame wins 8 games, Pryor has 3 td's against Michigan (ZERO)
G-Saul - Troy beats Ohio State, Duke goes to a bowl game, Joe Paterno dies (ZERO)
Damman - North Carolina wins the ACC, Pryor scores twice against USC, Navy beats Notre Dame (awful)
Wig Master - Michigan beats Ohio State, Dan LeFevour is in Heisman talks, BCS gets it right (1, the BCS comment)
Dut - Michigan does not go bowling, Charlie Weis's FUPA gets bigger, USC doesn't win Pac-10 (THREE!)
G$ - Pitt wins Big East, Northwestern finishes in the top 5 of the Big Ten, Arizona State in the BCS (one)

Heisman Winner
Drew - Chris Wells
G-Saul - Michael Crabtree (1/2)
Damman - Chris Wells
Wig Master - Chris Wells
Dut - Chris Wells
G$ - Tim Tebow (1)
Don't cry about Wells' injury, the guy is fucking soft.

BCS Title Game
Drew - Ohio State/Oklahoma (1/2)
G-Saul - USC/Clemson
Damman - Ohio State/Florida (1/2)
Wig Master - Florida/Missouri (1/2)
Dut - Ohio State and no one else
G$ - Florida/Oklahoma (1)
It's almost funny how stupid Ohio State fans are.

Final Scores (out of 14)!!!
Drew - 4.5
G-Saul - 2.5
Damman - 3.5
Wig Master - 4.5
Dut - 6
G$ - 8
Did you really expect anything less?

As you can see, no one can compare to me. I am just better than everyone else. When you are sitting around the table tomorrow, giving thanks to all that you have, don't forget to thank me for being so great. Thank this blog for actually teaching you idiots something. And most of all, thank yourselves for being stupid. Have a good holiday break, I'll be back in the office on Monday. Thanks to SEC Poon for the pics.

Note to self: your readers are morons and should not be trusted to fill content on this site ever again.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Best Of The Best Show

Every once in awhile, we stray away from sports on this site. Today is one of those days. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm getting back into watching the syndicated Seinfeld episodes. I had gone a few years without watching the best sitcom of all time because I had grown tired of it. It happens to all of us at some point. But I'm back and realizing the greatness which is Seinfeld yet again. Today, I unleash my ten favorite episodes of all time. For the record, The Contest is my least favorite episode of all time. You can always tell a fake Seinfeld fan if they say that that is their favorite episode. It isn't funny at all. If you think that the episode is good, then you can stuff your sorry's in a sack, mister! My ten:

10. The Pool Guy - Ramon the pool guy is a pretty annoying character. But his friends at the gym always crack me up (You going to see Ramon?). This classic also features the brilliance of Newman in a one piece bathing suit doing a cannonball.

9. The Sniffing Accountant - Ah yes, Kramer, Newman, and Jerry on a stakeout. This show brought us the excellence of Dento-Tape, the knowledge that Tuesday has a feel, and the importance of exclamation points. I decided to put on...MY SWEATSHIRT!!!

8. The Bizarro Jerry - Elaine realizes that her friends her losers and it's time to switch it up. Kevin, Gene, Feldman, and Fargas the Fed Ex guy were a hilarious foil to our ill-tempered regulars.

7. The Face Painter - David Puddy is probably my favorite secondary character of the series. His burning love for the Devils was just perfect. Don't mess with the devil, buddy. We're #1, we beat anyvody! We're the Devils! The Devils! For the record, face painters should be shot on sight.

6. The Frogger - George's crowning achievement in his life was the high score on some random pizzeria's Frogger machine. He buys it but needs the help of Kramer's buddy, Slippery Pete, to get the arcade game back to his place. Hilarity ensued. We learned in this episode that an outlet is sometimes referred to as "holes".

5. The Chicken Roaster - Who knew that Kenny Rogers could be so evil? We all loved Kramer and Jerry switching apartments and, in turn, lives for the week. My favorite part was when Jerry caught on to the scheme and made Newman eat the broccoli. Newman doing a shot of mustard was fantastic.

4. The Wizard - The late, great Morty Seinfeld tries to instill Kramer as condo president. Needing to get the votes back in their favor, they buy some Willard Tip Calculators from Bob Sacamano, Sr. The greatest line in this show was a throw-away line when all the old people in the restaurant realize that the tip calculators are bogus and some random guy screams, "I'm ruined"! Kills me every time.

3. The Marine Biologist - This is, BY FAR, the best story ever told in the history of TV. The writer that crafted this episode should be named the King of TV. The golf ball being pulled out of the blowhole by George...priceless.

2. The Chinese Restaurant - OK, this is probably the most questionable inclusion on this list because no one that I know likes this episode, but I love it. It's also the only episode that Kramer is not in. Some of the big highlights from this to me are George wanting to fight the guy for the pay phone, George explaining how he chose pooping over sex, and obviously the whole "Cartwright" fiasco. To this day, if I ever see an Asian dude as a host in a restaurant (or an Asian dude in general), I immediately think of that awesome exchange. She say curse word, I hang up.

1. The Dealership - The best. Puddy as a car salesman looking for constant high fives. Kramer dragging some poor schlub around trying to get below the slash. George screaming at everyone in the dealership over Twix. It is the perfect episode. Moe, Sol, Lem--short name, big liar!
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright--high five.

Well there you go. If you've got another one that you think I missed, let me know. And as I said in the open, if you even try to argue that The Contest is funny, I'm sending Brody over to your house with his baseball bat and you will not be happy with the results. Back tomorrow with one final post before December.

There Is Still Hope

You better fucking believe that this is a picture of Charlie Coles from his playing days on Oxford. Your welcome.

Tonight, I attended my first college basketball game of the season as I made the hour-long drive to Dayton to watch my RedHawks battle the Raiders of Wright State. It was a fairly dull game (Miami won 55-37) that was highlighted by Wright State selling beer (why doesn't every arena do this!!!). But I got to enjoy something tonight that I haven't felt in a long time. That feeling was my alma mater winning a game in any sport in which I was in attendance. It felt good. It felt really good.

Considering that our football team is 2-9 and 4 days away from cutting ties with our horrible head coach, I needed this. In fact, I'll even go out on a limb and say that our basketball team will win 20 games this year (we're pretty good). And that is something that me and all of the Miami alums that actually care about our athletic department needed right now. A distraction from the gridiron abortion and a shift in focus to a team/coaching staff that appear to actually care.

Now let's move up North. Michigan fans, it's been a rough Fall. RichRod's first year has been nothing short of a Miller High Life-fueled hangover dump. But forget about that. Change your thought process. Look at what Jon Beilien is doing. For God's sake, the Wolverines just beat UCLA! Sure, you hang your hat on your football program, but don't forget about Manny Harris and the rest of the boys that are playing hard right now. They are trying to give you fans something to be, you know, PROUD about.

The point of this post is that just because the football season didn't work out the way you had hoped, don't let that sabotage your view of your hoops team. After all, with every winter win, the hurt of every fall loss will lessen. Now on Thursday when you are giving thanks, remember to thank college basketball for allowing you to forget about how much you hate football.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Worst of Week Twelve Vol. II

I need a moment here to say something. I absolutely have to verbally fellate 50+ dudes before we can even get started (let's call it my Peter King impression). With that being said, the New York Giants are really fucking good. That team has NO weakness. And this pains me to say this considering that I root for them to lose every single week. But it needs to be said and whatever I say still doesn't do it justice. The Giants are BY FAR the best team in the league. I am not being sarcastic either. If I had an MVP vote, which God knowing I should, I would vote for the entire Giants roster other than Eli Retard. How many other teams could lose their two best offensive players, play a division winner on the road, and STILL dominate the entire game? No one. Barring a complete meltdown, you are looking at your Super Bowl champions. They WILL repeat. The only team that could potentially push them in their building is Dallas and they may not even get there. So there. I said it. The New York Giants are absolutely amazing.

But now on with the show. Since 24: Redemption managed to totally make up for the shittiness which was season 6 in a mere 2 hours, here are ten people that deserve to meet Jack Bauer. And not a friendly "you're on my side but you'll probably die" visit. I'm talking about an "OPEN THE DAMN GATE!" visit which almost always results in death. The worst of week 12:

10. Ocho Cinco - Jay Glazer reported that he fell asleep in a meeting twice and then walked out on Marvin Lewis. Is there a worse teammate in the world than this guy? At least Chris Henry would hook you up with some teenage ass. We shouldn't judge him so harshly though, after all, he IS a "Future Hall Of Famer"!

9. Ladell Betts - If you hadn't noticed, the Redskins win ugly. Actually, every game that they play is ugly. But in Zorn and Shaun Alexander's (no carries!) return to Seattle, the Skins had the game in the bag with a minute or so left and the 'Hawks with no timeouts. Until asshole Betts fumbled the ball away. Thank God Shawn Springy The Springfield Springs finally played this season and bailed him out. Fuck Betts, that guy sucks ass. 5 carries for 7 yards and a touchdown...ugh.

8. Frank Gore - I feel bad for Franky. No one deserves to play in Mike Martz's offense. Isn't it odd that Martz always digs up some weirdo white slot WR and makes them a decent fantasy player? Oh yeah, back to Gore. I hope you saved another 30 yard game for when the Skins come out to SF in a few weeks.

7. Trent Green - Marc Bulger is trying to make up for lost time and wants to beat Green for most concussions in St. Louis history. Green launched an astounding 4 picks in yet another loss for the Rams. I find no further reason to discuss the Rams for the rest of the season.

6. The DEEEEtroit Lions - I was getting nervous. When the Lions got up 17-0 at home to a team with a really shitty offense, I thought that it was going to be their week. But then I waited a half an hour and the world was restored as they were losing again. I can't wait for a pissed off Tennessee team to slaughter them on Thursday afternoon.

5. Mike Shanahan (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - I was starting to get impressed with the Broncos. After some gutty road wins in Cleveland and Atlanta, it started to feel like the AFC West would at least have one team over .500 this year. How do you lose to the Raiders AT HOME by THREE TOUCHDOWNS? The Raiders would finish last in the Pac-10 yet are good enough to beat a team that will be hosting a playoff game this year. What a joke.

4. HERM! Edwards - Poor HERM!. He's about 5 weeks from never getting another head coaching job in the league again and yesterday he watched his team give up a franchise worst 54 points to the Bills. Those same Bills that couldn't even beat the Browns on Monday. The same Bills that have Trent Edwards throwing to the other team on every play.

3. LarDale White - 1 carry for -1 yard? Pathetic. I guess that you shouldn't expect much from someone who rehydrates with ham gravy. Let's talk about the Titans quickly. Yes, it is finally over. They weren't going unbeaten anyway. Many idiots will now come out and talk about how they aren't that good. Don't be naive. That is a damn good football team and physical teams tend to be punish finesse teams in January. I'm not writing them off yet and neither should you.

2. Brady Quinn/Derek Anderson - Absolutely hilarious performances by both of these bags of awful. I picked this upset correctly on Friday if you remember. They combined for 4 picks and NO touchdowns against a rotten Texans team. Well played. Browns fans should have taken a queue from Notre Dame fans and just started throwing snowballs at their own players. But instead of throwing snowballs, they should have shot the team with assault rifles. Braylon Edwards is a horrific sight to be seen. For those of you that only get to see the Browns when they are on primetime, you are really missing quite a show of shit.

1. Donovan McNabb - Back to back weeks in the one spot for Donovan! Congrats! I also watched this one, too. I might as well say it again in case Andy "Mr. Ace" Reid is reading today...DONOVAN MCNABB IS TERRIBLE. He should never see the field again. Period. The Eagles are done. Damn, that sounds good. But don't worry, Kevin Kolb is coming to the rescue! HA! That guy fucking blows, too. I would rather have Ken Dorsey. I would rather Koy Detmer...oh wait.

OK, I'm out. The rest of the week will go as follows: tomorrow I want to rank my favorite Seinfeld episodes because I'm getting into the show again and I've already done the research (and maybe another quick post). Wednesday, we will be revisiting the college football predictions from guest post week to see who did the best and has bragging rights at The Money Shot's Holiday Party (non-existent, but if it was it would just be sharing a 6 pack of Miller High Life in my garage while I brag about how comfortable my sweatpants are). I'm heading to Dayton tonight to watch the RedHawks battle Wright State in hoops. First live game of the year for me...can't wait. Back tomorrow.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Smells Like A Mail-In Post

The laziest thing that a blogger can do is to dedicate a post to gambling/predictions that no one cares about. I'm sorry, but it's true. And it's extremely fitting because today that is what you are getting. You see, beginning today, I have the next ten days off from work and to be honest, I feel like taking it easy. Come December 1st, when I finally go back to work, I am going to need a god damn weed whacker to dispense of my incredible vacation beard. Anyway, let's get to some picks and we'll start with the least important games of the weekend and make our way up to the most relevant.

OHIO STATE over Michigan - even if Michigan plays a perfect game, they still lose by ten points

Wannstache over CINCINNATI - I hate Brian Kelly and the Bearcats and I like Dave Wannstedt. This prediction is extremely biased to say the least.

KILLING YOURSELF over The Apple Cup - Washington State and Washington are the two worst teams in college football history. Somehow the Huskies win this suckfest.

BYU over Utah - Because I want to see Ball State in the BCS.

PENN STATE over Javon Ringer and 50 other guys - Come on, Sparty is never going to win the Big Ten.

Giants over CARDINALS - The more physical team ALWAYS beats the finesse team.

Texans over BROWNS - My upset pick of the week. Quinn has a broken finger, this one was easy.

TITANS over Jets - see: Giants/Cards prediction...and finally...

OKLAHOMA over Texas Tech - The magic runs out on the Raiders. The Sooners have boobs and a better boobs game. I find it hard to booblieve that Texas Tech can outboob Boober Sooner. Damn. If boobs looked like this in the Ohio State/Michigan game, I might actually start considering it a real rivalry. If you aren't rooting for Oklahoma this weekend, I just gave you two nice reasons to change your mind.

Oh and tonight my RedHawks will get killed by Toledo because that is what we do best. Have a good weekend, I'll be back on Monday morning for you working stiffs.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Deconstructing LeBron

This was a headline on yesterday: "LeBron James says he would leave Cavs if offer was right". When I saw this, I just thought to myself, here we go again. He's in the New York area and he's getting the media going. But then I read the article and it was crystal clear to me...HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO THAT!!!

Whether you believe he stays or he goes is irrelevant to me today (and it is irrelevant to me everyday). I just want to you to read these quotes and tell me where it says anything about LeBron leaving Cleveland if the offer was right.

"I think you do what is best for you and you do what is best for your career. I go out and I play hard and that's loyalty," James added. "It's hard because it's a business. (The) franchise is going to do what is best for the player, it always comes back on us. I am going to look bad. If a franchise decides to give up on a player, it's OK. So we have to do what is best for us."

I have no clue about what he's saying in the second part there, but I get it that LeBron is going to do what is best for LeBron in 2 years. I can live with that.

"I am focused on the team that I am on right now and winning a championship," he said. "So it gets funny at times, but I don't think about making a change at this point. I am focusing on the team I have here and the relationship I have with the Cavs."

OK, still good. He's focused on Cleveland and bringing a championship to his hometown (kind of).

"When I decide to make that decision, you know, it is basically to put me in a position where I feel like I can win multiple championships. If it's staying here, then I will be here. If it's moving elsewhere, then I will have to look at all my options."

You may not think so, but this is great news. In case you hadn't noticed (I'm writing this before the game last night against the PissedOns), the Cavs are 9-2 and on an 8 game winning streak. They are just CRUSHING teams. There is no other franchise in the league (well, at least out of the teams gearing up for the 2010 offseason) that can best what the Cavs have to offer. Can't do it. My guess here is that the AP is miscontruing "look at all my options" with "will leave if offer is right". You know, I'm no fancy big city lawyer, but those two phrases have COMPLETELY different meanings.

"We have gotten better every year and I think this year is probably the best team we've had since I have been here. You got to see how the season plays out. Just because you have a different team, with different players, doesn't automatically guarantee you a championship. I have to be smart about things and be patient."

And this is the best part. He knows it now. He understands it. LeBron realizes that going to a big media market doesn't mean shit if you are stuck in a rebuilding process for 3 years. If I'm the Cavs, I have him look at Detroit's starting lineup and just point at AI all night long. Because if he makes the decision to leave just for the brighter lights, he'll end up just the same as Iverson. A broken-down has-been who killed himself for years on crappy teams only to see it cut his prime by 2-3 years. The Cavs have committed to doing whatever it takes to win a championship. Hell, Dan Gilbert is paying a ton of luxury tax money just to prove that point. And the beauty of it is, LeBron is finally realizing that.

Whether he does leave in 2 years is completely irrelevant though at the moment. I'm worried about 2008-2009, and not the summer of 2010. Because this team has a REAL shot of doing some serious damage in the postseason and I don't want a bunch of hack sportswriters trying to ruin what could be a magical season by writing bogus articles that are based on zero facts. Go Cavaliers.

Seriously, I'm a Manager

I've been thinking that this blog has not been as politically incorrect as I like it to be recently. Well, that shit is changing today. How do you all feel about stereotyping Asian-Americans? Good, I hope. If not, I don't really care anyway. If I did, I wouldn't be a blogger and you wouldn't love me.

Meet Don Wakamatsu (pictured). He is the new manager of the Seattle Mariners. He is the first Asian-American manager in Major League Baseball. He was also the bench coach of the 75 win Oakland A's last year (meaning that he was MORE than qualified). He drove to his interview with his right blinker on the entire time.

The Mariners must believe that with a 100+ million dollar payroll, an Asian man is more than qualified to crunch the numbers and make it work. He probably doesn't even need a calculator. And since a 9 figure baseball team tends to be emasculated after losing 100 games, the fact that Don has a tiny penis will only raise the spirits of these losers. Hello Kitty backpacks for everybody!!!

In Wakamatsu's first press conference in Seattle, he was asked a variety of questions regarding his managerial style and what he thought of each team in the AL West.
On Oakland:
I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo.
On Anaheim:
Sushi, kamikaze, fujiyama, nipponichi...
And on Texas:
Join the Nintendo Fanclub today!

It should be a great season in Seattle. I really, REALLY want to play Mike Tyson's Punch Out right now.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Proof That The American League Sucks

We all know that the American League is superior to the senior circuit in pretty much every facet of baseball. Yes, the Phillies won the World Series but, let's be honest, had they played in the AL East, they don't make the playoffs. But something has dawned on me this week and that is that the AL is quietly turning into a shitty product. And all that you have to do is look at the award winners.

The Rays represented them in the World Series. It was a great story and I'm not going to argue that. But come on, they were a total fucking fluke and we all know it. They'll be back to their old selves next year when everyone comes down off of cloud nine (see: 2008 Cleveland Indians).

Joe Maddon was the manager of the year. Again, that was very deserved (how Plain Dealer writer, Terry Pluto, voted for Ron Gardenhire, I have no idea). But the guy looks like an old lesbian. We get it already, you're all philosophical and want to look like Drew Carey.

Cliff Lee won the Cy Young. He had a great season but he isn't an ace and we all know it. For God's sake, he was pitching in AAA in 2007. I'm not going to say that this was definitely a fluke season, but I'm 95% sure that he's a .500 pitcher next season. Let's see how he does when there is actually some pressure on him because this year he was pitching in front of 15,000 people every night. And remember, nobody named Cliff has ever been good at anything and that includes Uncle Cliffy Robinson.

Dustin Pedroia won the MVP. How sad is it that this little midget fuck won the AL most valuable player award. It disgusts me. But when you look at who else was up there, there was NO ONE that deserved it. Youkilis should receive two bullets in his medullah oblongata. Justin Morneau shouldn't even own one MVP trophy let alone two. Joe Mauer? Eh. I really think that they should have just suspended the award this season. Carry it over, like in a Skins game. Whoever wins the MVP in the AL next year, gets two awards. How great of an idea is that. It's better than giving it to a 4 foot tall turd.

I really should be the commissioner of baseball. I don't even look half as dead as Bud Selig. Thank God that the Yankees are going to do everything in their power (and their wallets) to make this league great again.

RichRod is a DickPole

I know that I said yesterday that I didn't want to talk about the Ohio State/Michigan game anymore this week, but I just can't help myself. Sometimes I just need to get some things off of my chest. You see, I want to like Rich Rodriguez. I want him to succeed. I want him to make Jim Tressel his bitch. It has nothing to do with me secretly liking Michigan (because I don't), but more with my disdain with all things scarlet and gray. You all know that though. But Mr. "I could only beat the RedHawks by ten points" is just making that harder and harder every time he opens his mouth. On with the quote:

"It's amazing some of the things that people would say (on a message board) or yell at you of a personal nature," Rodriguez said Monday. "You almost want to tell them, 'Get a life.'

"There's a whole lot bigger problems. Look at the economy."

First of all, why is a millionaire head football coach who is employed by one of the most storied programs in the country trolling around on loser message boards? Those are for people like me and my readers who think that we know all the answers on how a team should be run.

Second, do you ever hear Tressel or Urban Meyer or Pete Carroll discuss the economy in their press conferences? For many people who have had their lives impacted by the state of the country (especially in fucking Michigan!), FOOTBALL TAKES THEIR MINDS OFF OF THAT SHIT! A winning football team can ease a lot of pain. Take last year for example; I was bed-ridden for three months with Super-AIDS until the Redskins made the playoffs and life all of a sudden got better. I don't know how it happened but it did. Don't make excuses, Rich. The economy has nothing to do with your crappy football team. Just fucking win (or at least be competitive) and people would get off of your back.

And finally, "Get A Life". I'm sorry, but I'm not taking advice from a snake oil salesman. I'm not taking advice from a guy that doesn't know what a buy-out is. I'm not taking advice from a guy that was 1-1 against the MAC this year. I'm not taking advice from a guy who was rumored to knock up WVU coeds, have the boosters cover it up, and then turn his back on all of them (like I said, just a rumor but it's something that I heard).

But maybe I'm reading into this too much. Maybe Richie Erection is pining for Fox to bring back the short-lived 90's Chris Elliot sitcom, Get A Life? Nah, that can't be. No one watched that and no one wants it to return.
Rich, if I can give you one piece of advice it is this. Just fucking win on Saturday.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Rivalry Week...I Guess

Ann Arbor may, in fact, be a whore...but so are you six ladies.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I HATE being right all the time. I don't like reminding people that I told them so. I do not enjoy bragging about how great I am and how stupid other people are. Honest to God, it gets really old to always be correct in all of my opinions and having to remind some of my closest friends that they are ignorant. Eh, I can't carry this on anymore, you all know me to well. Let me bring up an old argument that is now factual in the favor of ME!

Damman, Lil' Strut, Dustin, and other Buckeye fans have fought this fight against me before. They try and argue that the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry is the greatest in all of sports. Since the game is only once a year, it gives the game a special feel each November. After all, how can the Yankees and Red Sox have the best rivalry when they play 19-25 times per season? Well, it's easy you see. Because eventhough they play each other that many times per year, EVERY game is important. And there is the rub for all of you OSU and UM fans because that is not the case anymore.

The one argument that Buckeyes fans have always fallen back on for their defense is that every year their big game has a large impact on the national landscape of college football. With both programs not living up to expectations this year, you better start thinking of a new argument. THIS GAME IS MEANINGLESS. Other than the two fanbases, no one else around the country cares (I would argue that this is the case almost every year anyway). Don't even bring that trash that a Buckeye win can get them a share of the Big Ten title. When Penn State wins this weekend, they are the Big Ten champs. Period. Oh, but "we" can go to a BCS bowl game! If it isn't the BCS title game or The Rose Bowl, it doesn't fucking matter. This "big" rivalry game means jack shit and your ridiculous claim is a moot point.

So pick another fight, Big Ten morons. You lost this battle. You have no argument left. Like usual, I win.

If you want to run smack against each other, I'm allowing it TODAY ONLY. And no stupid jokes either. I get it, Michigan won't show up on Saturday because they can't get past Toledo. It wasn't funny the first time I heard it. God, this game is going to blow. It could be interesting though but only if I do something that I'm not really sure I want to do. I'm not saying any more than this, but if I wanted to play the role of Johnny Media-Man, I could greatly impact the national interest toward this game. But I won't. I'm not in this "business" to break stories, I'm just an asshole with opinions.

My Voice Was Heard

Remember last week when I was complaining about how Colin Cowherd was ruining my lunch break every day since 1460 switched their programming around? Well, suck my balls because those days are done. Douchey McAssholeson's two week reign of verbal terror is over in central Ohio. The Fan switched back. The Common Man and The Torg are back in their time slot of noon to 2 and I couldn't be happier.

I mean, as much as I love hearing every athlete and team (regardless of sport) compared to USC football, I'm glad that it is over. The guy sucks. He actually admitted last week to only paying attention to 6 baseball teams and not caring about the rest of the league. How does anyone like this guy? And I like to think that my blog had a HUGE impact on that decision.

We all know that only the most bitchin' people on the planet eat lunch in their car everyday, and now 1460 is once again rewarding us. Thank you, The Fan, for listening to my voice and rectifying a situation that was awful from the get go. Colin Cowherd can eat the biggest bowl of dick salad ever created. Now if we can just get Craig Krenzel off the air as well, then I know that I've finally made it.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.II

Fucking shit. God dammit. Sonofabitch motherfucker tits cunt Dane Cook. I fucking hate losing to the Cowboys. Wade Phillips looking like he actually did something positive. Jerr-ah Jones acting like a fucking asshole. Tony Romo flashing that retard smile of his. I HATE IT. FUCK! Is Jim Zorn even trying to score or does he just like punting on every possession? They don't even TRY to throw the ball downfield. And don't get me started on the defensive front 4. I'm still waiting for them to actually pressure the QB. At this point of the season, I don't see how the Redskins make the playoffs. Zorn has hit a wall and they look beaten up. Fuck this shit. God damn Cowboys. It's a good thing that I did the top ten worst of the week before last night's game or I would just scrap it entirely. Here are the worst fuckers of the week that have nothing to do with the ineptitude of the Redskins.

10. College Football - At the bar that I was at on Saturday night, they have 8 TV's. 6 had the Cavs/Jazz game on (7 in a row! We SICK!), 1 had the Jackets game on, and the other one had the Okie State/Colorado game. That is how fucking terrible college football was this weekend. No upsets worth a shit. No good games. It was abysmal. But it will get better next weekend. No, not because of the Ohio State/Michigan game of nothingness, but because of the Oklahoma/TT game. I will likely be blacked out before the kickoff of that one.

9. Matt Ryan - These games are going to happen to rookie QB's. Sometimes, when you are facing the worst defense in the league, you just can't throw any touchdown passes. It happens. I mean, sure, Brady Quinn had no trouble carving them up, but Matty Ice did. Embarassing for him, great for me who faced Ice in two leagues yesterday.

8. Philip Rivers - I just realized that of the ten previous "worst of" columns that I've written, the Slave Trader had yet to appear. Well, we have to change that. He didn't really play poorly in yesterday's 11-10 suckfest, but I'm putting him on here because I want to. Fuck you, Philly Boy.

7. Darren McFadden - 2 carries for 1 yard. Wow. This is the kind of production that the #4 pick is supposed to get! Seriously, if this is all that the guy can do, just put him on IR and get healthy for next season.

6. Larry Johnson - You know what they say, "people that are assholes in real life, suck on the football field." Well, I say that and I'm copyrighting that shit. 19 carries for 67 yards and 2 fumbles. Yeah, the Chiefs really missed you, jerk. Why don't you spit in your own face.

5. Jim Haslett (The HERM! Edwards memorial Spot) - I am amazed at the way teams can lose. I mean, seriously, coaching a team that gets down 35-3 in the first half to THE NINERS is just awful. I hope that Haslett puts his house on the market soon, because his tenure in St. Louis ends at Christmas. Merry Christmas, kids, Daddy got shitcanned again for being incompetent!!!

4. Willis McGahee - I don't understand how the Ravens are 6-4. Every time that I watch them, they suck ass. Flacco is mediocre. The defense can be thrown on at will. And Willis McGahee blows. 9 carries for 18 yards. Those are Julius Jones numbers! The Ravens suck.

3. David Garrard - I've finally hopped off of the Jags/Garrard bandwagon. I was holding out hope that they would show up and beat the Titans this week, but they sucked as hard as they have all season. Garrard, late in the 4th, had less than 100 yards passing and 9 completions. Nice game, jerk.

2. Every Chicago Bear - What a wonderful performance! Are we sure that Tennessee called Lovie Smith about being the next Vols coach? The Bears "effort" yesterday may be the worst non-Lions or Raiders played game of the season. EVERYONE on that team sucked. No one is excluded...not even the great Kyle Orton Express.

1. Donovan McNabb - I am so sick and tired of media assholes talking about how great of a QB McNabb is. He isn't. In fact, he sucks. He's not average or pretty good...he sucks. And he has for the past 3 seasons. Yesterday's TIE with the BENGALS was just an abomination. He fumbled once and threw three picks (which should have been 6 picks) and completed less than 50 percent of his passes. Against the Bengals. The Cincinnati Bengals. Did you hear his postgame intreview? He said that he had no idea that an NFL game could end in a tie and that he hopes it doesn't happen in the Super Bowl! What a fucking dumbass! The Eagles deserve a better QB than McNabb (head coach, too). Mr. Ace must be beating the shit out of his male sex slave over that horrendous loss (tying the Bengals actually counts as a loss).

The Redskins need to stop playing night games on national TV because all it does is embarrass me, makes me miss a lot of TV, and cause me not to fall asleep. I hate football.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

What The Hell, Cash?

This is Danielle Gamba. She is extremely hot. Since she's either dating or married to him, Danielle also happens to me the only thing that I like about new Yankee, Nick Swisher.

What the fuck, Brian Cashman? Come on, man. Swisher hit .219 last year which just happened to be the lowest batting average out of any hitter in baseball. THIS is our replacement for Jason Giambi? A guy with worse numbers! Bullshit. I honestly have no idea what the organization was thinking about by making this deal. There is not an outfield spot for him (Damon, Gardner, and Nady) so he has to play first base. He is not a natural first baseman and thus is not a good defensive player at that position. For fuck's sake, he was a Buckeye! No good...not good at all.

Ugh. We're off to a rip-roaring good start. I will forgive this decision though if all of this happens:
*Sign CC Sabathia
*Trade Cano and Hughes for Jake Peavy
*Sign A.J. Burnett
*Hank Steinbrenner falls down an elevator shaft
*Danielle Gamba is my Christmas present this holiday season

I don't think that I'm being unreasonable here. Let's get this done. For what it's worth, I hope and pray that this isn't the last time that I use the Danielle Gamba label on this blog.

Friday, November 14, 2008


Damn. So close. We had a great chance to set the benchmark for upsets. The best part about was that it wasn't like we played out of our asses. No, we traded body blows with them for 40 minutes and proved that we belonged. Oh well. At least Charlie and The Boys restored my pride in my alma mater and in two days, made me completely forget about our football team.

We're coming for you on Monday night, #5 Pittsburgh...who the fuck is making up this tough-ass schedule anyway? By the way, I'm exhausted and if my boss is reading this, I'm not going to do anything today.

The 2008 NFL UnVP

You all have probably read or listened to some idiot over the past week going on and on about who the NFL MVP is at this point in the season. Well, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to focus on the least valuable player in the league through 10 weeks. I don't give a shit about fantasy football for this post either, it's all about on-field non-production. It is, in my opinion, the ten least impressive players in the league this year. And you better believe that I factored in salaries but I take it easy on injured players because it's not really their fault that they aren't on the field.

For what it's worth and to get my two cents in, the first half MVP is Vince Young. If he doesn't get hurt, the Titans are a .500 team. There, I said it. And I'm not even going to kill myself over it so put down the phone, Jeff Fisher.

10. Braylon Edwards (27, 472, 3)
Wasn't he supposed to be a franchise player? When you are averaging 3 catches and less than 60 yards a game with about 17 drops per game, you more than qualify to be on this list.

9. JaMarcus Russell (1289, 48.6%, 6/4)
Who in the hell thought that it was a good idea to draft a franchise QB that weighs more than the entire secondary combined? The more that I watch of this guy, the worse that I think he is. I bet he wishes that he was still tearing up that Notre Dame defense.

8. Julius Jones (597, 2 td's)
They replaced Shaun Alexander with the one running back that is worse than Shaun Alexander. Jones is just fucking terrible. If you ever watch those ESPN projections that are retarded, they always have him at somewhere between 20-40 yards. And that makes me laugh/horny.

7. Pacman Jones (suspended, insane)
Pacman, when he was on the field, was nothing more than average anyway. The Cowboys actually put faith in him to stay clean and help their secondary but you know how it turned out. Now let's all hit the ATM and head on down to Columbus Gold.

6. Santonio Holmes (29, 419, 2)
I'm guilty on this one. I actually thought that Holmes was going to have a breakout year. Of course, Santonio thought that I meant that he should break out his bong and get suspended. You know that you're having a shitty year when Nate Washington from TIFFIN UNIVERSITY is a more desired target in the passing game.

5. Fred Taylor (358, ZERO)
Remember how we all felt great for Freddy last year when he put it all together, stayed healthy, and had a monster season? Look at those fucking numbers! If you want to know why the Jags are struggling this year, not having the second part of their two-headed backfield monster certainly explains a lot.

4. Torry Holt (33, 352, 2)
I think that we may be seeing the end of Torry Holt as a productive WR. And it's sad because he was great in his prime. You would think that a team that is always losing would have WR's other than Donnie Avery with great numbers due to always playing from behind (AKA Calvin Johnson). You would be mistaken.

3. Larry Johnson (417, 3)
You know, LJ was having an OK season until he decided that spitting on sluts was more important than football. When a guy puts "degrading women" ahead of living up to his contract with a team that just gave him a shit-ton of money, well, fuck you buddy. I'm all about putting women in their place, but I love the NFL more.

2. Derek Anderson (1454, 49.8%, 9/7)
It wasn't all his fault. Braylon helped along with a pretty crappy o-line. But there is no excuse for having a JaMarcus-ian completion percentage. Remember when the Browns could have gotten maybe a second rounder for him this past offseason? Good luck getting a 6th rounder this year. This guy was never good and he fooled everyone last year...except me. Because I am smarter than everyone else.

1. Edgerrin James (384, 3)
Edge started out the season decent enough and you would think that in the offense that he's in, he would have a giant season. It would probably help if he was put into the game. Tim Hightower and JJ Arrington have rendered Edge useless now. It's a good thing that he's getting paid millions of dollars. Only in America. I'd be smiling, too, if I got to sit on my ass every Sunday. Wait, that's either a bad example or I need to figure out where to pick up my checks.

I kind of wanted to add "Andy Reid's play-calling" and "everything about Mike Martz" but they aren't players so they had to be excluded. Fuck 'em, they already know that they suck.

Have a good weekend and since RedHawk football doesn't play again, I'm sure that you all will. I know I will enjoy myself.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

G$'s College Basketball Primer

As I mentioned yesterday, I need something to take my mind away from football. There has been too much catastrophic shit that has happened this Fall for me to handle anymore. Thankfully, my second favorite sport, college basketball, has begun play. And I couldn't be more excited. Last year, we had the fortune of seeing the sport over-run by insanely talented freshman who unfortunately are now getting paid. This year? Well, what we have is a massive collection of talented big men and, THEE most important subplot of the season...NO MORE BILLY PACKER! So all in all, it should be quite the entertaining season. Since most of my readers are either still dreaming about what could have been (Ohio State football) or what the hell is going on (Michigan fan), allow me to give you a little taste of what to look forward to on the hardwood this winter. I'm running this prediction post the exact same way that I ran "guest post week" with the football previews. Here we go:

G$'s Top 5:
5. Michigan State - Tom Izzo finally has what appears to be his best team since that Mateen Cleaves team. Why? Because the most overrated, ballhog, Leukemia-surviving point guard ever, Drew Neitzel, is finally gone. Words can't describe how little I thought of him. With Raymar Morgan ready to become a superstar, expect big things from Sparty.
4. UConn - Yeah, they didn't lose anybody and Thabeet is a freaking beast in the paint, but something still bothers me about these guys. The talent is there and all but at the same time, this is the same talent that couldn't beat San Diego in the tourney last year. And Jim Calhoun looks like the biggest asshole on the planet.
3. UCLA - So what if they lost Love, Westbrook, and Luc Richard M'bah-Amoute? Ben Howland just reloads anyway. Darren Collison is still around and stud freshman, J'Rue Holiday, will help lead the Bruins to another Pac-10 title. Unfortunately for the Bruins, they will lose to the RedHawks tonight at 11 pm on ESPNU. I'll be watching, sleep be damned.
2. Louisville - This is a big year for Ricky Pitino. With the exception of glue guy, David Padgett, the Cards return everybody. Terence Williams, Earl Clark, and Jerry Smith are just fantastic players. As long as Pitino leaves the white suit at home, the 'Ville is going to be exceptional this season.
1. North Carolina - If Roy's Boys don't win the national title this season, they may never again. They brought back everybody. EVERYBODY from last year's Final Four team! Now, you all know how little I think of Tyler Hansbrough (and I always will due to his titanic level of doucheyness), but he's the kind of guy that this finesse team needs. They can run anyone out of the gym but it's the toughness, heart, and inside presence that Hansbrough gives them that makes them special. He's still a fetus-face though.

Most Overrated Team: #14 Tennessee
I love Bruce Pearl. In fact, I'm IN love with Bruce Pearl. But this team isn't going to be that great this year. TJ Prince proved in the tournament last year that he's mentally fragile. Wayne Chism sucks and Chris Lofton is no more. They will still make The Dance, but it isn't going to be as a 1-6 seed.

Most Underrated Team: #23 Villanova
Their record at the end of the year may not be that great, but it will be due to the conference that they play in and not for lack of talent. Trust me, they will make waves in March. Scottie Reynolds is turning into one of my favorite players and Jay Wright looks as great as he coaches. You heard it hear first, the Wildcats are going to be a tough out this postseason.

Cinderella (potentially this year's Davidson): St. Mary's
If you watched the Olympics, then you know that Patrick Mills (Australia) can ball. The Gaels (awesome nickname) have a veteran team, a dynamic player, and one of the best home court advantages in the country. Between them and Gonzaga, the WCC is going to be a slugfest this season.

First Coach Fired: Bruce Weber, Illinois
Weber is by far the worst coach in the history of basketball. He excels in only one thing...stupid facial expressions. He doesn't recruit well. He used Bill Self's players to almost steal a championship, and, like I said, he's an idiot. Adios muchacho.

3 Bold Predictions:
>>Oklahoma wins the Big 12 - Impress your friends, tell them that Blake Griffin is the best player in the country. They won't know who you're talking about but you will be able to brag about your statement in a few months when he's dropping 25/12's every game and is the likely #1 pick in next year's draft..
>>USC is better without OJ Mayo than they were last year with him - DeMar DeRozan (awesome name) is going to be a good one and since Mayo and his distractions are gone, Tim Floyd can just focus on winning.
>>Notre Dame struggles - I just hate teams that shoot a ton of three's and The Big East is a bitch this season. I love Harangody but not much else. They played over their head last season and will come back down to earth a bit this year.

Naismith Award Winner: Stephen Curry
This is more of a sentimental pick. Curry, now playing point for Davidson, will have huge numbers. I just don't want to see Hansbrough win this award. Don't be surprised if Griffin wins it.

G$'s Final Four: Oklahoma, UCLA, Louisville, Purdue
Consider me the first to be on the Sooners bandwagon. Jeff Capel can coach. UCLA is easy because UCLA goes to the Final Four every year. Louisville is loaded as I said earlier. There is always a semi-surprise team that gets to the Final Four. I'm going with Matt Painter's young defensive bunch as my sleeper.

National Champion: Louisville
Pitino does it again.

There you have it. My picks that will surely not happen eventhough last year I successfully predicted 3 of the 4 Final Four teams before the season even started. I will probably get three out of 4 again with my lone miss being Charlie Coles getting there instead of Purdue. It could happen! YES WE CAN! If you've got some of your own predictions, you know where to put them. In your corn-shoot.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Help Me, Charlie Coles, You're My Only Hope

It's a tough time to be a Miami University alumnus. I love my alma mater and it's athletic department. Nothing will ever change that. But after watching another pathetic performance on the gridiron last night, my confidence in my school is withering. There is no shame in losing to a better Ball State football team. But the state of the football program is just pathetic. Sitting at 2-8 now is not where I thought that we would be through 10 ten games. This team was supposed to get back to the MAC Championship Game and then head off to a bowl game. But due to crappy coaching, poor offensive execution all season, and an overrated and soft defense, it just hasn't worked out.

The sad thing is, I've accepted it. And I hate that. But I watch my team and expect the worst. In the last 3 years, my school has pretty much turned into the Oakland Raiders of the MAC. They are barely competitive anymore. If you happened to watch the game last night, the RedHawks were down 31-16 with 5+ minutes to go and were driving. I should add that we burned all 3 of our timeouts in the first ten minutes of the half! On a 4th down play, Armand Robinson was thrown a beautiful pass in the end zone where he found himself wide open. It was an easy-ass touchdown grab. He dropped it. It may go down as the most awful play in wide receiving history. It was just a perfect example of the failed expectations from everyone on that team this season. And now we've got two more games (@ Toledo and The Ohio's) and I can't see anyway in which this team wins either game. Mr. Ace, I suggest that next Friday during the UT game, we meet up and watch it. We can hold each other during the game and cry in each other's arms lamenting about how terrible our two football programs are. I can't wait for Shane Montgomery to be fired and a new start can begin in Oxford. As America proved last week, change is a good thing. Can Miami do the right thing by firing their entire staff and starting fresh? YES WE CAN!

Thankfully though, I can forget about the RedHawk football "team". BECAUSE THE HOOPS SEASON STARTS TONIGHT!!!

Hell yeah. I can't wait. My RedHawks hoopsters look like they could do some big things this season. They begin the season out in LA for the Coaches Vs. Cancer Tournament where they face Weber State in the opener. With a win, the Hawks will get their shot at #4 UCLA. Talk about a sick opener to the season. Anyway, Miami did lose Ottawa's own, Tim Pollitz, last year to graduation after 4 gutty years in Oxford. But the cupboard is far from bare. All world 2-guard, Michael Bramos and his Stewie Griffin-shaped head, looks poised to drop 20+ per night. Kenny Hayes will be running the point after a year of learning the Miami system and to play within himself. Tyler Dierkers, the most improved player from his freshman to senior year that I've ever seen, will look to dominate in the post. And don't forget about coveted freshman and owner of a very sick name, low post hoss, Julian Mavunga. The guy is apparently going to be a force. MAVUNGA!

When you've put with a football season like I have, basketball season can't come soon enough. And I am so pleased to have it back in my life. I expect a MAC Title, 20+ win season, and a decent run in the Dance this year. After all, this is likely Charlie Coles' last season pacing the bench in Oxford and the man deserves to go out on top.

Please, Charlie, make me and all the rest of the Miami Family forget about the abortion of a football season that we've suffered through this Fall. Go RedHawks!

LaVar Arrington Is Still Pissing Me Off

People always come up to me and ask who my least favorite Redskin of all time is. Well, that's just a giant lie. No one has ever asked me that. But to answer the question, it's LaVar Arrington. And it's not even close.

When Arrington was drafted, I was freaking pumped. This guy was a beast at Penn State and was going to be the cornerstone of a great Skins defense for years to come. Unfortunately, he was on the IR more than he was on the field. And when he did play, he sucked ass. I swear to God, he led the NFL in "3rd and 4 and he jumps offsides" penalties and personal fouls during his tenure in DC. When he was released, I figured that we as Skins fans would never hear from him again. I was wrong.

"I called Joe Gibbs a coward for leaving," Arrington said [of his former coach, who re-retired in January]. "You came in, you made some money for your NASCAR team. No one else is going to say that. I'm sure more people thought I was a [jerk] for saying that. Joe wouldn't call me because he knows. There are a lot of people who know the truth about what went down with me and the Redskins."

Whoa, you better watch what you say there. Dan Snyder was not spared either from the wrath of LaVar.

"I think Dan Snyder is scared to death of me," Arrington said. "He won't look at me. I tried to shake his hand at that luncheon. He shook my hand and was like, 'How you doing, LaVar?' and kept moving. I'm probably the only person that's ever stood up to him and never backed down. I actually humbled myself to call Dan after Sean passed away to try to bury whatever me and him had going on between us. He called me back, and it was almost like he was reading a script. I root for the Redskins because how I feel about the fans outweighs how the organization treated me. I always take pleasure in taking jabs at Dan because people like him need that. There's got to be a person out there who's not afraid to do it."

Look, I can handle the bashing of Dan Snyder. You just know that he's a douche bag. But no one, NO ONE, talks shit about Joe Gibbs. That man is untouchable. I highly doubt that a man of faith and with incredibly dignity would use a football job to fund another business. That's bullshit. And, LaVar, you felt mistreated by an organization that gave you millions of dollars for very little production on the field? Makes sense.

Do you know what Arrington's legacy is? Other than ending the career of Troy Aikman, it's nothing. Fucking nothing. He was a bust. Why the hell is anyone even interviewing this guy anyway? Are we certain that this wasn't just another one of my fake interviews? It sure does sound like it could be.

Joe Gibbs is an icon to this blogger and I won't stand here and let some shithead amateur chess-playing asshole sully his good name. Good day, sir! I said, good day!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Colin Cowherd Farts In My Lunch Daily

Let me tell you a little story regarding the way that I live my life. Everyday, I eat lunch in my car. Part of it has to do with my burning desire to get out of the office, but the big reason is that I love listening to sports talk radio. From 12:15-1:15 each weekday, I listen to the Mid-Day show on 1460 AM starring The Common Man and The Torg. I love it. These two manage to make Ohio State football talk somehow not shitty. They are down to earth realists that don't take sports too seriously and can look at things objectively even if it isn't popular with Heir Tressel. But last week, that changed. 1460 changed their programming around. My favorite radio show doesn't come on until 1 now. Who do I get the pleasure of listening to these days?

This fucking guy.

I HATE Colin Cowherd. There is no redeeming quality that this radio asshole possesses. He is an asshole. He is pompous. He talks down to his listeners. He has the biggest East Coast/USC bias that I have ever heard. It is the worst radio show in the history of the world. Worse than Rush Limbaugh, Al Franken, and the dreadful Erik Kuselias combined. He sucks.

I despise Cowherd. He likes to describe his show using words like "visceral" and "gutteral", you know, words that sports fans use all the time. Cowherd is the epitomy of a classless sack of shit. If you don't agree with him, you're wrong. If you like something that he hates, you shouldn't listen to his show because he has "the smartest show in radio". It's embarrassing. If you like listening to Colin Cowherd, then you are an idiot that can't form opinions of your own.

I've wanted to spew my venom about this dick for a very long time now. But the truth was, I never had to listen to him and thus found it pointless to mention his gay, stuck-up name in my severely awesome corner of the interweb. Obviously, that has changed now.

Fuck you, 1460. Fuck you, Colin Cowherd. Thanks for ruining the one peaceful hour that I have every day. I hope you span the globe straight up Clay Aiken's urethra, jerk.

One On One With Kevin Stapleton

So I'm sitting around last Sunday after watching the Browns lose gloriously to the Ravens and CBS is airing the Slamball Championship or whatever the fuck it's called. I decided to sort of half-ass watch it just for the simple reason that Gus Johnson was on the call and everything he does is a stitch. It actually wasn't half bad.

I don't really "get" Slamball though. Yes, it's visually intriguing but I have no idea what the rules are or why anyone would ever play this sport. Where do they find these guys? No other "sport" in the world offers so much variety as far as life-altering injuries are concerned. But anyway, the Slashers defeated the Maulers in quite a donnybrook last weekend (or so CBS wants us to believe). The best part about it though was Slashers coach, Kevin Stapleton (pictured wearing his cell phone during the game!). This guy just oozes the awesome. I was fortunate enough to be granted an "interview" with the Dean of Slamball coaches before the Slashers victory parade through downtown Nowhere. Here's how it unfolded.

G$: Coach, congratulations on a coaching job well done. Where would you rank this title in all of your life's achievements?
Stapleton: Well, first of all, I'm honored that you asked to interview me. No one has ever done that before. Even my children don't want to talk with me about SlamBall. Anyway, I always felt that the day I found a peanut with 4 peanuts inside was great, but this championship may have topped it. You spend your entire life busting your ass and sacrificing for moments just like this. When Pat Croce handed me the trophy, that beautiful basketball on a stick, I thought that I was going to combust.

G$: Your...I don't know..."rim protector" guy wore #69. Is he stupid or a just your run-of-the-mill douche that thinks "69 jokes" are hilarious?
Stapleton: 69 is one hell of a defender. He is so good at protecting our goal, I think that he should work for Homeland Security. Well, as long as they still allow him to play Slamball! But I could see why people would think he's a douche. Why last week he played a prank on me by having sex with my wife and having me walk in on him. I tell ya what, the guy is a competitor.

G$: I've got to wonder, there is no denying that you are an old man. And Slamball is less than a decade old. How in the hell did you get caught up in this?
Stapleton: Funny story actually. Pat Croce, you remember, the idiot that used to run the 76ers, and I were hanging out underneath a bridge one night. We had one of those barrels of fire that homeless people use for heat. Anyway, we get to talking and this thug comes out of nowhere and steals my pizza box which at the time was acting as Pat and I's joint pillow. We chased the thug into an all-night gymnasium and Pat started launching basketballs at the guy. He's got a hell of an arm. Now, I was a little tipsy from drinking a bottle of vermouth for dinner that nightand I stumbled onto a trampoline. After impact, I was launched in the air and one of Croce's errant basketballs found it's way into my hands. Now I was either going to slam into a backboard and bust up this grill or showcase one of the sickest dunks of all time. I chose option two. Pat and I looked at each other, realized that all shitty basketball players deserve a second chance, and a pseudo-sport was born.

G$: I've got be honest, from watching your sport, it doesn't even look like a coach is needed. I mean, come on, what do you tell them in the huddle, "make sure you're jumping out there!" I honestly think that I could grab 5 idiots from my office and have a pretty decent Slamball team. Thoughts?
Stapleton: Why don't you say that to my asshole, punk. You don't get it. You don't know what it's like to sacrifice for a team. I mean, my team risks life and limb for two hours a week just for the glory of a SlamBall championship. I've seen it happen, too. One of the greatest players in SlamBall history, Petey Blackguy slammed one home and when he landed--BOOM--his entire body fell off. There were limbs, tears, and semen everywhere. How dare you try to belittle their accomplishments! If you don't straighten up here, I'll put the strap to ya.

G$: Stapleton, I think I have the perfect description of you. You look like a delapitated version of Tommy Lee Jones. Is that a fair assessment?
Stapleton: It's hardly a concidence that Jones survived in No Country For Old Men and I survived the rigors of a brutal SlamBall season. And I'll tell you another thing, if that bastard, Dr. Richard Kimble, tries to escape again, I'll join the manhunt and catch that fucker myself. Look into my eyes, I don't put up with any lollygaggers.

G$: Final question, coach. Can the Slashers repeat as Slamball champions?
Stapleton: You better fucking believe it, ya tubby bitch. Shit, I'm already drawing up some new offensive sets for next year. Like this for example. I've got a play working where my point guard passes it to a guy who jumps off of a tramp and dunks it. The league will never know what hit them.

You're a fucking lunatic. I would like to thank Coach Kevin Stapleton for granting me this fake interview. And now go back to your regular schedules of not caring about SlamBall. But if they ever bring back Roller Jam, that show is a shoe-in to get a weekly post. Fantastic "sport".

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Worst of Week Ten Vol. II

I've reached my boiling point. I hate fantasy football. But clearly not as much as it hates me. 4 of the 10 weeks of this season, I've went 0-3 in my 3 money leagues. I suck at it. The more research that I do, the worse that I am. Let's take this week for example. On the precipice of another 0-3 week, I'm not even losing to good teams any more. The league douchebag in the G$FL starts Julius fucking Jones against me and the fantasy Gods failed to penalize him for that. In another league where I faced the mighty Wig Master, he beat me (unless Boldin scores 50 touchdowns tonight) with a lineup that featured the aforementioned Julius Jones AND HE STARTED DAUNTE CULPEPPER! I just don't know what to do anymore. I think that I'm doing what sane GM's would do yet I keep getting mule-kicked to the dick every weekend. It fucking sucks. It's ruining my enjoyment of the season. I hate you, Julius Jones. Let's get it on with the worst of--who gives a shit, I'm still depressed about how bad I am.

10. Joe Paterno - Thank you, Hawkeyes. Nobody wanted to see a Big Ten team get crushed in the national title game again. How about that though? Shitty McStankpants has it all lined up to head to Miami and he soils his diaper. The Big Ten is horrible. There is just no way around it. The best Big Ten team would finish last in the Big 12 South. Obviously, JoePa should retire but if he keeps doing hilarious commercials for the Big Ten Network, I hope that he sticks around another decade. COME TO PENN STAAAAAAATE!

9. Dine and Dash - Nice game yesterday, Chris Johnson and LardAss White. 50 some carries for -300 yards was quite an impressive feat. I don't know what's scarier: that Kerry Collins is QB'ing an undefeated team or that he's actually winning games on the road with his arm?

8. Jake Delhomme - 4 picks thrown against the Raiders, eh? Yeah, you're good. Who cares that they won the game, you can't ignore this performance coming off of a bye week. Teams that are 7-2 shouldn't have a QB that can't complete ten passes against the worst team in the AFC.

7. Daunte Culpepper - Why are you back in our lives? You sucked two years ago, only a mind-numbingly retarded organization would think that you could still play. Actually, that makes sense.

6. Ben Roethlisberger - Something is not right here and it's more than just his shoulder. He's holding onto the ball even longer than usual and absorbing way too many hits. I think that he's having a confidence problem. I get the feeling that he may be experiencing a level of shell-shock like David Carr. Obviously, I'm rooting for him, but something is different about him these days.

5. The St. Louis Rams (HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - Please, just leave the NFL. The Lions think that being down 40-0 at halftime is terrible. You know what the best part about this is? Somehow, these bags of awful beat the Redskins and the Cowboys. I will never truly understand the NFL.

4. Rex Grossman - I had the "privilege" of watching the Bears yesterday and it was surely a treat. I had forgotten about how much I love watching The Sex Cannon launch terrible throws all over the field. If he's not hanging his WR's out to dry, he loves missing his target by 20 feet. I thoroughly enjoyed the Bears faithful booing him after every incompletion. Hilarious.

3. Sage Rosenfels - The sad thing is that if I sat down, did some research, and tried to comprise a list of the worst QB's in the NFL, somehow Sage would probably not make the top 5. But he still sucks. He pulled an excellent Jake Delhomme impression against the Ravens with 4 picks, but unlike Body By Jake, he lost. Sage Rosenfels loses a lot though.

2. Aaron Rodgers - Fucking terrible. I just traded for this guy and that's probably why he was so God awful. Who gets two safeties??? Seriously, not even Dan Orlovsky could do that. The Vikings pass defense is atrocious yet Little Favre couldn't even juice 150 yards. Nice game. Speaking of that game, that was the most poorly played football game that I've seen all season. You would think that a 28-27 game would be good. You would be wrong. Those two teams suck balls.

1. Drew Brees - Enough already. Hairy Mole is not the MVP of the league. He's not the MVP of the NFC (Portis). He's not the MVP of the NFC South (Matt Ryan). I get it, he's a great QB to have in fantasy football. But the fact remains that he doesn't win on the road. They don't just lose on the road, they get killed. And I know what you're saying, "it's his defense". Fuck that. They didn't score a TD until late in the 3rd quarter yesterday. Enough about this mutant though, how about those Falcons. I'm still not 100% sold on them but they are playing their asses off every week.

SPECIAL MENTION!!! - Since I write this before the Sunday Nighter, I would be a pompous dicktard not to mention how shitty Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid are. The Eagles are who we thought they were: a team that beats the bad but can't beat the good teams. It's been what Reid and McNabb have been doing for years now.

My God, QB play was ridiculously rotten this week. All of these stinkpalms should be forced to live in JoePa's underwear for a month. As much as I love the NFL, I hate the NFL. I hate bye weeks. I need some mediocre Redskins football back in my life.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Ken Small Rapes Beagles

It's Friday, it's been a long week, I've been up to late thinking about how great it is to have freedom and a country that cares about me again, and we all know that I'm going to mail-in this post anyway. So instead of talking about tits or the NBA, I want to go back to one of my old faithful topics: ripping on Ohio State football. It's been awhile since the Buckeyes have embarrassed themselves off the field(the Doug Worthington DUI arrest that he was never suspended for comes to mind). But that has changed now. Little used WR and KR, Ray Small, has been suspended for two games due to a violation of team rules. And his pops ain't too happy about that. So, Ken Small (pictured holding his son if they were white people) took a page out of Vince Young's mom's handbook and started yapping to the media.

But Ken Small, Ray's father, said yesterday it (suspension) is for two games, and the reason is because OSU said his son missed a class, which Ken denies. He said the coaching staff is singling out his son unnecessarily."We don't think he's getting a fair shake, and we don't know why," he said. "It seems they're trying to intentionally ruin his career."

I have two issues with this and they are not related at all:
1. Ken, your son pays nothing to go to a school of higher learning. It's free. He has to abide by three rules to keep that intact: go to class, don't get arrested, and play football. That's it. That is all that he has to do. As Mr. Ace will point out when he gets done cleaning himself up, it's not like football players have to do their homework anyway. Someone will always do it for them if they aren't willing to do it themselves (it's worked at Florida State for years!). Just put in the face time in the classroom, and you're good to go. As far as singling out young Roy, IF HE WAS WORTH A FUCK ON THE FIELD, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN SWEPT UNDER THE RUG! Tressel will forget about DUI's that his starters get. He balances that out by punishing his shit players when they fuck up. He isn't being hard on your son, he's just doing what all coaches do: protecting the guys who help them win. Jesus, between Small and Justin Boren, is Ohio State actually trying to be the gayest bunch of pussies in the nation or what?

2. My biggest pet peeve for when I'm watching a college football game is when the announcer mentions something like "he's only thrown 6 interceptions in his career". You all probably don't even realize it anymore because it's said so often that it is just part of the lexicon of the sport. COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS NOT A CAREER!!! I can't stress this enough and it's a product of lazy journalism. Sports writing is a career. Getting up at noon, going to two classes, eating a 2,000 calorie lunch, practicing for 3 hours, eating a 3,000 calorie dinner, studying a little bit, and ending the night with a BJ is not a career. It should be, but it isn't. Stop it. Stop it now. But I guess you never know in this case. Ken Small says that Tressel is ruining his son's career...and that snake oil salesman has been rumored to pay people off in the past. Nope, I just can't allow it. College football is not a career path. I need a Xanex. I'm too worked up for a Friday.

So I guess I can sum this post up by saying: Ken Small sucks, Roy Small sucks, blogging is a career; not college football, and I hope that Ohio State loses to Northwestern tomorrow. Also, I accidentally purchased an extra copy of Drew Magary's (Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber) book, "Men With Balls". I'm thinking about giving it away (oral preferred over nothing though). Let me know if you're interested. How dumb does a person have to be to accidentally by two identical books. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Debut of the NFL's Heartbreak Kid

Brady Quinn makes his NFL debut as a starting QB tonight. His rabid band of fans are literally bursting their zippers waiting for the Browns to take the field and see what Quinn has got to offer and hopefully save their season. In honor of this historic(?) event, I was able to get my creative juices flowing. In fact, I just rewrote the lyrics of Shawn Michaels entrance music, "Sexy Boy". I really should have been a songwriter. I would be like a straight and talented version of Weird Al.

I think I'm cute.
Crennel knows I'm sexy.
I've got the arms,
That drive the Dawg Pound wild
I endorsed McCain,
killed Conrad Bain.
I send chills up.
Up Grady Sizemore's spine.

I'm a game manager, manager
I'm not your savior, savior
I'm a game manager, manager
I'm not your savior, savior

I make 'em hot.
Making D.A. shiver.
Their pants get tight,
Whenever I'm around.
They see me flex,
drink Myoplex,
I make my fans feel,
Like they're on cloud sixty-nine

I'm a game manager, manager
I'm not your savior, savior
I'm a game manager, manager
I'm not your savior, savior

Eat your heart out fun-boys
Hands off my Subway Fresh Fit Card

I think that that pretty much sums it up. He prefers the company of men. The Browns suck. Quinn isn't going to save shit. His fans are gay. Personally, how awesome would it be if Quinn got the Browns the lead tonight with 2 minutes to play but Jay Cutler went 90 yards to win the game? It would be like those old, glorious days when the Browns fans had their hopes crushed every season. Ah, memories of simpler and better times...

What's Next For Joe The Plumber?

I think that deep down every single person in this country is glad that the election is over because life can go on again. Well, maybe not Joe The Plumber. Is there a bigger fucking idiot in America than this guy? The man asked an innocent question, bitched about how the media was ruining his life, and then did everything he could to stay in the spotlight. What does he want now? I'd be willing to bet that it has nothing to do with plumbing. Let's take a look at what could be in store for America's favorite moron.
>Country Music Star - He already signed a deal to do this...I'm sure he will win numerous Grammy's

>Professional Wrestler - Vince McMahon brought in K-Fed and he wasn't even famous

>Fox News Analyst - Considering he just made up lies about Obama claiming that it was just his opinion, he seems like a perfect fit there

>Porn Star - When no one else wants to talk to you, you better learn how to fellate. It helps that he looks like an older/trashier version of this gentleman (love your blog by the way).

>Ohio State Sweatshirt Saleman - The guy wears them everyday, he should be an expert

>Toledo Rockets Head Football Coach - Since Toledo Tom Amstutz retired, they need someone to coach them in 2009. If Joe knows half as much about football as he does about foreign relations, he will be a great football coach.

>John McCain's Butler - Since McCain kinda/sorta ruined his life (he helped a lot, too), it would be nice if the Maverick would at least give him some work. Because he's MYYYY butler.

>Douche Bag - Well, this one is obvious and clearly the most viable option

Whatever happens to Joe The Plumber, he should know that at least one blogger would like him to be anally impaled with a swordfish.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I Remember You

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true

It's a sad day here at The Money Shot. For two of my favorites, Jason Giambi and Carl Pavano, will not be returning to the New York Yankees in 2009. I've been trying to wrap my head around this for the past day and the only way that I can truly express my feelings of remorse and devastation is through the lyrics of Skid Row.

Wait a minute--what the fuck am I saying? Hells-fucking-yes these guys are gone! Maybe now, I don't know, the Yankees will stop wasting money on used tampons? That's all that I ask for: a competitive and responsible organization. But before I officially show Carl and Jason the door, I would like to share with you my fondest memories of these two titans of terrible.

I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Jason Giambi - Your mustache and hairlip truly were an inspiration during your mediocre years in The Bronx. You started out your run with the Bombers with a memorable walk-off, extra innings grand slam against the Twins and it all went downhill from there. Your steroids "apology"? Brilliant. Horrific defense? Outstanding. Inability to hit the ball to the oppostie field? Downright sexy. Weirdo illnesses that normal people don't get? A bit erotic. While you do seem like a great teammate and all-around nice guy, it's time for you to get the fuck out.

We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely

Carl Pavano - Oh, what a 4 year stretch this was. I don't know what I will remember more: almost 40 million dollars spent for 145.2 innings, his 9 wins, his 8 losses, or his 75 strikeouts. Maybe I can cling to all of his bizarre injuries like a strained buttocks or breaking his ribs in a car accident and lying about it. At least he plowed Alyssa he has that going for him. Carl, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors (Independent Baseball League?). Good riddance.

It's time to turn the page on shoddy, wasteful spending for the New York Yankees. That these two are finally gone shows that the Yankees are recommitmed to excellence. That is until Hank Steinbrenner does something so unfathomably stupid and shakes my confidence in this team. Let's get the hot stove going. I can't wait.

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you