Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Twenty Eight

Your least favorite blogger is "celebrating" his birthday today. That's right, Ol' G-Funk is hitting 28. I took the day off from work so, needless to say, I'm taking the day off from blogging as well. After all, I'm going to be exhausted after my Monday night of mediocre hockey and over-eating. You read that correctly, I went to a preseason NHL game last night (Jackets/Blackhawks, free tickets so stop judging me) and just destroyed BD's Mongolian BBQ. Either way, I figured you at least want something from me today so after the jump, I give myself a birthday present in the form of Keeley Hazell. Delicious. Best post ever. I wonder if BD's would throw her on the grill for me??? See you folks tomorrow, now let me enjoy the one day of the year (other than every Sunday) that I'm allowed to do nothing and get away with it.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Worst of Week 4 Vol. II

I told you. I fucking told all of you. You laughed at me on Friday. You think that I'm just some dumb homer that knows nothing about football. I picked the Skins to win by 2 points. And it fucking happened. Let me just say that the Washington Redskins are a REAL threat to win the NFC this season. Jason Campbell looks amazing after that week one showing. Clinton Portis is a beast. And someone reminded Santana Moss that he has all the ability to be a dominant WR in the NFL. I FUCKING LOVE THIS. This is the best birthday (tomorrow) present that I could ever ask for. I hate the Cowboys and listening to Troy Aikman have to heap praise on us was glorious. But, I have a column to write regarding shitty play. So I need to take my focus off of the Redskins and all of their greatness for awhile. Needless to say, we're VERY QB heavy as far as the week's worst goes...

10. Commenter Dustin/Dut - Before we really get going, this tale is almost too good to be true. So Saturday night, we're all out at the Bier Stube on OSU's campus. A white Sebring/Stratus pulls into the parking lot. There are a lot of broads in that ride. It just so happens to be driven by a Mr. Terrelle Pryor! He was looking for directions somewhere or something. Dustin sticks his head into Pryor's driver-side window to get a look at the "talent" that the QB was driving around. Pryor's reply? "Man, get the fuck out of my face!" HILARIOUS! I think I might like Pryor after all.

9. Brian Griese - Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Bucs won an ugly ass game. But, the "3 picks" Griese is much more acceptable than "400 yards passing" Griese. On a serious note, good job, Matt Bryant.

8. Ryan Fitzpatrick/Carson Palmer - Palmer is a pussy. There is a reason why Fitzpatrick is a backup and he proved for 60 minutes why he probably shouldn't be in the league. The Bengals offense is absolutely horrendous no matter who is taking snaps. And it took 3.5 games, but that was more like it, Derek Anderson.

7. Cardinals Defense - 6 touchdown passes allowed to Brett Favre in the rain? Wow. The NFC West is absolutely horrible. 6 TD's to Brett Favre??? Oh, don't worry, these aren't the last Cardinals on the list this week.

6. JT O'Sullivan - Hey, JT, the Saints have one of the worst defenses in the league. Only scoring one TD shows just how awful you are. Bring back, Alex Smith. Wait, he's hurt...bring back...Ken Dorsey? He's not doing anything. Mike Martz blows.

5. Scott Linehan (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - I hope Linehan enjoyed his reign as a head football coach as it should now be over. God, the Rams are awful. At least Steven Jackson finally got off the schnide. As Happy Gilmore once meant to say, "Marc Bulger? Trent Green? Who gives a shit?"

4. Aaron Rodgers - That's TWO bad performances in a row from Favre Junior. 3 picks and absolutely no rhythm on offense all game. His TD's were kind of flukey, he was just bad yesterday. And Ryan Grant is kinda/sorta not a very good RB.

3. Jay Cutler - Hey, give it up for HERM! And give it down to Cutler and Shanahan. You know how I know that the Broncos aren't for real? Because there is no excuse for losing to the Chiefs...EVER. Cutler just looks retarded anyway. The Chargers are still going to win that division. If you can't beat HERM! Edwards, well, I look forward to watching your collapse this year.

2. Marion Barber - I don't know how this is possible because he is a very good RB, but Barber does NOTHING against the Redskins. NOTHING. 8 carries for 26 yards and I don't even remember a running play in the second half. Yeah, you can run over all the scrubs you want to, but when you face REAL competition, you are a nobody. Get a fucking haircut asshole. You could also add Terence Newman to this list because he couldn't cover me. If embarrassing the Cowboys was a 450 pound woman, I would totally hammer the hell out of it. Wait, what did I just admit to?

1. Kurt Warner - The guy threw for almost 500 yards...bravo. He also turned the ball over SIX times. 3 picks and 3 lost fumbles. But this is what you get from Warner. He's going to do those things. But he still needs to be called out on it when it happens. Just awful. I'm sure that his wife will call into some radio station tomorrow defending him though. So that's nice.

Whew, it's a great feeling to deflate the Cowboys. I would recommend it to anybody. Feel free the congratulate my awesome team in the comments. I'm also booking my Super Bowl travel plans now due to my gigantic Jim Zorn Boner. Let me know if you want to come with me...I'm sure I could round up a hog nose or two for you. Hail to the Redskins...beat Philly.

Friday, September 26, 2008

An Ode To Wade Phillips

If you didn't already figure out, this is a big-ass weekend for me. No, I don't give a fuck about anything that is going down on Saturday. The REAL battle this weekend takes place in Dallas on Sunday afternoon. My beloved Redskins battle the Cowpussies in another chapter of the greatest rivalry in the NFL. It's a grown man's version of Cowboys and Indians for shit's sake! I love this week so much because, to their credit, I hate Dallas enough to make it this great. But today, I'm throwing you a curveball and memorializing a Cowboy.

Everytime I watch the Cowboys, I constantly mention to whoever is in the room that Wade Phillips is an idiot. Every single time the camera pans to him, he looks confused. So, in honor of my favorite old hillbilly mindfuck, it's Wade Phillips Day at The Money Shot.

"Who tapped me on the shoulder? Did you tap me on the shoulder? By gum, if I find out who tapped me on the shoulder, I'm going to tell Mr. Jones."

He appears to be pissed off that someone behind him is fucking with him here. Personally, if I were on the sideline, I would shoot spitballs at Wade all day just to get this look.

"Stand by your man. And tell the world you love him, keep giving all the love you can! Stand by your MAN!"

One of my long-running jokes is that Wade's headset isn't connected to anything but a walkman playing Conway Twitty or Loretta Lynn. You know, because he's an imbecile.

"Sir. Sir! What do I have to do to get a Diet Pepsi here? I also have to take a #1."

"Fellas, please, don't ask me questions. I don't have the answers anyway. If you've got something on your mind, go talk to Jason Garrett or Jerry Jones. They're right over there. I'm just here for the health insurance and team meals. You don't have to listen to me."

Does anyone really believe that the players respect this guy? Did you watch Hard Knocks? The guy barely talks above a whisper. The players were excited because his camp was so easy! If you looked up "puppet" in the dictionary, this picture would accompany the definition.

"What am I doin here? I don't belong here? I should have been a cowboy. I should have learned to rope and ride. Wearing my six shooter, riding my pony on a cattle drive. Stealing the young girl's hearts, just like Gene and Roy. Singin' those campfire songs, oh, I should've been a cowboy."

This picture says it all. Capturing Wade's contstant faraway look that he has perfected over the years...truly a work of art.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my--wait, where's my spout? Has anyone seen my spout? I had it here a minute ago? Daggone it."

"So I walked into Jerry's office for my interview and my pitch was pretty simple. I said to him, 'Look, in a league where Herm Edwards, Norv Turner, Marvin Lewis, and Romeo Crennel are head coaches, what have you got to lose?'. He still wasn't buying it so I had my wife make some squirrel chili while we drank some Diet Pepsi Max's. By the end of dinner, well, that's why I'm here right now."

I can't wait for the game. I fucking despise the Cowboys. The Redskins, known to be a scrappy team anyway, are double digit underdogs. Fuck that. I would take the points if I was a gambler. Since I'm a rabid diehard fan, I'm picking the upset win...Skins 23, Pussies 21. See you all on Monday. Hail To The Redskins!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

"Mike And Mike": A Transcript of Insanity

I admit it. I listen to Mike And Mike each morning on my way to work. Since I'm only in the car for around 15 minutes, it's no big deal and it gives me a chance to see if I missed something while I was asleep. All in all, it's a pretty good show. I like it. Both hosts act as though they love sports and talk about the big topics of the day. They also have quite a chemistry and feature often funny banter.

These are all things that I could have said two years ago. Now, Mike And Mike is a complete mess. For awhile, I figured it had to do with my general hatred toward fill-in host, Erik Kuselias, but over time I've realized that the format is just pathetic and stale. They only want to talk about what's important to them as opposed to what their listeners want. And Greenberg gets smugger and smugger every segment. The guy is just waiting to dump on ESPN and go mainstream and you can feel it through your radio. Golic's voice gets higher and he tells stranger stories every day. In short, they've forgotten what got them popular in the first place in exchange for a little ego stroking.

Do you remember when shows like Nightline or 60 minutes would say "for a transcript of tonight's episode, please send $5 and a self-addressed stamped envelope to..." as the credits rolled? Well, imagine that I did that for a 10 minute segment of Mike And Mike. Now pretend that this isn't fake. Now pretend that I'm banging Marisa Miller. I'm going to show you exactly what this radio program has become recently. Allow me to explain...

Greeny: Mike and Mike in the morning and we're back talking about SpyGate eventhough no one else has mentioned it in months but I still can't get over it. Golic, what is Matt Walsh hiding and why can't we get to the bottom of this?
Golic: Greeny, uh, I just don't think we'll ever know.
Greeny: Well, one of these days I'm going to get my answers. Alright, with us now is Hall of Fame baseball writer, Peter Gammons. Hello, Peter.
Peter: Good morning.
Greeny: Peter, I'm just at a loss here. Do you have anything on SpyGate?
Peter: Ummm, no, I thought that we were going to talk about the playoff races?
Greeny: So you've got nothing? OK, we'll talk some baseball. Peter, what is going on in the bullpens of the Brewers and Mets? I mean, they look as lost as me at Home Depot out there!
Peter: Well--
Golic: Hang on a minute, Peter, I've got some breaking "Mike Golic's News of the Weird" here. A man in Denmark was trying to show his daughter how to do a somersault...
Greeny: A somersault!
Golic: Yes, a somersault. When he was flipping over, he slipped and managed to get his head stuck in rectum! When a doctor helped remove his head from his anus, he said, "One in a million shot, Doc, one in a million!"
Greeny: A Somersault! Can you believe that, Peter?
Peter: Excuse me, guys, can we talk about baseball for a minute?
Golic: Sure, what's the word on Billy Wagner's arm?
Peter: He's definitely going to need surgery and it could be career-ending. Either way, it looks as though his days in Queens are over.
Greeny: As far as his throwing shoulder goes, did he pull it? Did he wrench it? Did he torque it? Did he sprain it? Did he strain it? He definitely didn't snap it.
Peter: What? No. He tore a muscle. That's common knowledge now. Why are you asking me about something that happened weeks ago?
Golic: Peter, I had a simliar situation to that when I was with the Eagles. My roommate, Ron Heller, used to walk around our hotel room completely nude!
Greeny: NUDE!
Peter: How is that similar? How is that relevant? What is the matter with you two?
Golic: I'm just saying, Peter, another time with the Eagles, I saw a naked Heller get into a fight Jerome Brown. It was amazing!
Peter: Ummm...
Golic: Looks like our producer, Scotty "The Gnome" Shapiro, is telling us to stop talking about naked guys.
Greeny: Peter, did you get a chance to talk to "The Gnome" Scotty Shapiro this morning? I swear, he looks like a garden gnome and I think he's getting smaller! We had Dick Vitale on recently and he said that the Gnome's stock was waaaaaay down. I nearly plotzed!
Golic: Joaquin, play us The Gnome's theme song.
Peter: Come on, guys, let's get back to baseball.
Greeny: You're right, Peter. We got a little sidetracked there.
Greeny: We had Timmy Kurkjian on yesterday and he admitted to us that he was a metrosexual. Peter, have you ever had a pedicure? A manicure? A facial?
Peter: Are you guys drunk? You have the attention span of a 4 year old today.
Greeny: Peter, you were at the final game in Yankee Stadium.
Peter: Yes I was.
Greeny: Lots of history in that ballpark and I'm sad to see it go down. But there's one thing I wanted to ask you regarding your last visit to the Stadium...I have an extra ticket to this Sunday's Jets game. Would you like to go with me?
Peter: Wait, what? Aren't we talking about The House That Ruth Built?
Greeny: I don't believe I mentioned that at all. We've been talking about Brett Favre's house for awhile now. Come on, Peter, could be your last chance to see Favre play. You do realize that he's the best athlete of all time, right? (they play "Hero" by an Enrique Iglesias)
Golic: Wait a minute, my brother, Bob, has to be up there in those rankings.
Peter: Guys, I'm going to hang up soon. This is getting ridiculous.
Greeny: I'm serious, Peter. I want to know your thoughts on the Jets. I think I'm ready to give the title of "Mangenius" back to our coach. With Brett Favre here ("Hero" again), Tom Brady hurt, and SpyGate still raging on, there is no way that we can't win the Super Bowl for the next 8 seasons!
Golic: Peter, did you hear that I used to take steroids during my playing days but I didn't like them so I stopped?
Greeny: Knock it off, Mike, no one wants to hear about that. They want to hear about the Jets!
Peter: Last chance, you two...
Golic: What do you think about a potential game one of the division series Johan Santana/CC Sabathia duel?
Peter: That will be fantastic--
Greeny: Did somebody say "Duel". You know that I host that on ABC, right? In fact, Mike and Peter, why don't we play a round to remind people about what a great game show host I can be? We'll have to get you both some betting chips but this will no doubt be great radio.
Golic: I'm in only if the answers to all the questions are "Notre Dame".
Peter: To hell with you both, I'm out of here.
Greeny: Peter, WAIT! Will you be joining us again next week in your normal time slot?
Peter: Absolutely not. I will be dead in the cold--
Greeny: Cold? That reminds me, it's time for the STONE!
Golic: COLD!
Greeny: LEAD!
Golic: PIPE!
Both: LOCKS!
Peter: I wish you two nothing but the worst.
Greeny: Thank you, Peter. Mike, as we just heard, it's going to be an amazing postseason. Even with the Yankees absent, we're going to be talking about baseball a lot during the month of October.
Golic: You said it, Greeny.
Greeny: When we come back, I try to convince Mike Ditka that this year's Jets team would destroy the '85 Bears. Mike and Mike in the Morning...
Golic: ESPN Radio.

Whew. I have to admit, my own writing made me laugh.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "did anyone actually watch According To Jim?" Edition. I'm working out yesterday, laughing along to another hilarious Friends episode (I'm serious, too). The show ends yet I'm too lazy to go change the channel. So Jim Belushi comes on. And I make it about 8 minutes before I have to cut the workout short and leave. Not only is the show not even remotely funny, I actually was frowning when the "jokes" were being told. According to Jim is less funny than Robin Williams. But enough of that...

***I wish I could have seen some of that hand-on-hand action - As we all saw, Yankee Stadium closed it's doors on Sunday night. The ceremony was over the top, but still well done (Graig Nettles, yeah!). One person was not too pleased though and he's the same guy that lies about taking it in the butt. That man being Roger Clemens. Clemens was apparently sitting at home on Sunday, hurt that he was not invited or even included in the tribute video. According to SI, he held his wife's and mother-in-law's hand during the game because he was so distraught. Excuse me, I need to laugh maniacally for a minute. That is just too funny. I never was a big Clemens fan so this just brings a smile to my face. The guy already has enough of an image problem, how do you let it slip out that he was on the verge of tears because he wasn't invited up to New York? You know who should have been pissed for the unvitation...Shane Spencer. The Yankees haven't won shit without him. I still proudly wear my Spencer 47 jersey, too. Man, I'm great. I want to hold hands with Shane.

***I guess he doesn't have any dirt on Mark D'Antoni yet - It sounds like the Stephon Marbury Era in New York is over. I guess with Brett Favre now in town, they had to kick out another douche to keep things balanced. Marbury might have been the biggest waste of talent in the history of the game because he always let his ego and emotions get in the way. But, when you're making 20 million a year, fuck the fans. I'm just sad that all of those great Isiah and Starbury stories are gone, I guess. I've always dreamed about taking a co-worker out to my car and destroying some ass in the backseat. I suppose I'm just old-fashioned.

***Not only is he a dick, he's also a pussy - Lost in the shuffle from this past weekend was when Gary Sheffield went all 'roid rage on Fausto "Bug Face" Carmona. Only problem was that Fausto wasn't havin' 'dat. Sheff tried to be the tough guy and got laid out like a bitch. That was awesome. And I'm still not sure who it was, but the Tiger that was in the fetal position was a true disgrace to mankind. There are many in people in life that deserved to be embarrassed nationally, and Gary was right near the top. The best part is that this will probably be the last memory that we all have of Gary Sheffield's career...headlocked and getting pummeled by a gay porn star (Fausto sounds like a gay porn name). I love it. He deserves to spend the rest of his days making movies with Kaz Tadano.

***A guy missing 90% of his brain is definitely an upgrade - Mr. Ace was asking me to talk about the Rams the other day...here you go, jerk. Thinking that this will somehow help, the Rams have told Marc Bulger to sit on the bench (I'm sure he isn't complaining) and named Trent Green the starter this week. The same Trent Green who's reaction time is slower than Muhammad Ali's. Yeah, this will get you a few wins. But I see what they're doing here...by naming Green the starter, they are hoping to recreate some of the magic from the Dick Vermeil days. They are secretly hoping for Green to get hurt right away and then Bulger will come back in and be a world beater. The only problem is, who is going to play Brenda Warner in this re-creation? And who will cry as much as Vermeil? And who is Leonard Little going to kill while driving drunk? As you can see, this plan is flawed already.

***The Ford Family is dumber than all SEC football fans combined - I don't get this. Little Ford says that if he had the power, which he apparently doesn't, he would have fired Matt Millen already. Well, why doesn't he have the power or at least the influence? He's the fucking owner's son! This makes no sense to me. Is William Clay Ford actually listening to Matt Millen, he of the 31-84 record, over his own son? And sticking with the car analogies, let's call Big Ford, Herb Powell, Little Ford a bunch of egghead engineers, and Millen can be Homer. Homer's "car" killed Herb's automotive business...isn't the real life version of this classic Simpsons episode going on right now in Detroit??? I'm sure Millen is in Ford's office now pitching an idea to have La Cucaracha played after all Lions scores.

***Reminds me of my childhood... - You probably haven't seen this but there is a war going on in the town of Las Vegas, New Mexico regarding hazing accusations at Robertson High School. I guess the football team went on some road trip and a couple of pussy underclassmen were "innocently" sodomized with broomsticks. First of all, ouch. Second, what the fuck? Third, the kid in the picture is still tied up in my bathroom. I was once an upperclassmen football player myself. I hazed the punks younger than me. But it was more along the lines of general annoyances; like dumping a bottle of water down their backs when it was 40 degrees outside, or punting footballs directly into their ass/back, or, my favorite, stand about 5 yards away from a sophomore and throw footballs off of their helmets as hard as you can. It was a rite of passage. It was hilarious. You put up with shit when you're young so that you can give it back when you're older. But you don't try to re-invent the wheel. You go with classic pranks, like "swirlies" or "power crunches" or pissing in the kid's locker...there's no need for a wooden raping! For shame, Robertson upper classmen. Note to self - Why didn't I think of that?

That's it. I can't wait to head on home, hold hands with the roommates and ritualistically shove a vacuum cleaner up my ass tonight. That was pretty much the general theme for today anyway. I'm a disgrace.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Not So Fast, Missouri

There has been a lot of talk over the past two days regarding which team in the NFL is the most inept. If we could see a winless team like we all wanted to see the Dolphins do last year. We have some fine candidates this season with the Rams, Texans, Lions, Chiefs, etc. In fact, many bloggers have written that the state of professional football in Missouri is worse than it has ever been in any state in the history of mankind. I'm here to tell you that that simply is untrue. Missouri isn't even the worst this season.

I'm intelligent. I back that up with 27 years of love for the Redskins as opposed to copping out and rooting for the team's from my home state just because of geography. But today, I morph into a pro-Ohio homer. I lay out "our"case as the worst football state in the country. It kills me just to act, even if it is only for one post, like a Browns/Bengals fan. But desperate times call for desperate measures and the blogosphere needs to know how bad things are here. So allow me to pull a line from Tommy Boy and "let me tell you why I suck" more than Missouri.

1. Unlike you, we had expectations
--The Browns were the saavy, chic picks to win the AFC North this season. Coming off an impressive and out of the blue 10-6 season a year ago, the Browns were primed to get back to the playoffs for the first time in a long time. They brought all of the pieces back on offense and shored up the defense through free agency/trades. While the Bengals were never considered a playoff team, they were at least going to be a team that you would need to outscore each week. As you've seen, neither team is remotely competitive through 3 weeks. And that is the difference between the Bengals/Browns and the Chiefs/Rams...KC and STL were going to be the worst teams in their leagues anyway. We all knew that going in. Being winless was expected out of them. Both Ohio teams losing to the Ravens??? I don't think we saw that happening.

2. Unlike you, our offenses were supposed to be dominant
--In the realm of fantasy football, people will bitch about Tom Brady killing their team. But at least he went out after one game and you could pick someone else up. If you have Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis, Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, or TJ Houshmandzadeh, there is no way that your team is worth a shit. Trust me, I know this firsthand. And just look at those players. How can offenses with these guys be so piss-poor? If you look to the Show-Me State, the only decent scoring weapons are Larry Johnson, Steven Jackson, and, I guess, Torry Holt. That's it. There's a HUGE gap as far as offensive disappointments go. How the Ohio teams are averaging about 2 points a game is real head-scratcher. It's just a tad more shocking than seeing the Tyler Thigpen and Bulger Corpse offenses blow.

3. Unlike you, we've never celebrated ANY Super Bowls/marginal success
--Oh, boo-freaking-hoo, you've had a couple of bad years in a row. Get over it. The Chiefs used to be perennial playoff contenders (before Herm) and the Rams won a Super Bowl less than a decade ago. At least you have memories. In case you forgot, the Browns moved to the city that The Wire was based on and the Bengals make the Pittsburgh Pirates seem competent. You've at least been there. There is at least SOME history of success in Missouri. While the Bengals made two appearances in the Super Bowl back in the day, go ahead and ask any Clevelander about John Elway or Earnest Byner...they will bare-knuckle fight you to the death. So while the state of Missouri whines about their general crappiness this year, at least you aren't holding a grudge from the 80's.

4. Unlike you, we don't have the two worst coaches in football
--Don't get me wrong, Romeo Crennel and Marvin Lewis are in the top 5 regarding incompetence, but your teams thought it was best to hire the dumbest people in football. That's your own damn fault. When you have guys like HERM! Edwards and Scott Linehan running the show, it's obviously going to be a disaster. It's like if you start growing lezunes and you get sick all the time, you probably have AIDS. And that is what is so bizarre about Ohio right now...our teams are rotten and we don't even have either of these two guys dumbing down the sideline and disgracing the profession. It's just a result of having no desire, no balls, and no clue.

5. Unlike you, our college football season is already meaningless
--One good thing that we Ohioans have had to take our mind off of our pro teams is Ohio State football. But, as we all saw, Tressel decided to get embarrassed early this year as opposed to their bowl game. And due to those past crushings, one loss was going to kill any chance of a third straight BCS title game appearance. So now all we have to hope for is a Big Ten championship. Whoopty-fucking-doo! Those don't even matter anymore. Missouri may hate turning on the TV on Sundays, but Chase Daniel and the Tigers sure are making Saturdays pretty easy to deal with. Mizzou is still undefeated and has a great shot of winning the Big 12 AND having their stud QB or WR win the Heisman. You Missourians(?) can't have it both ways...at least you have ONE decent weekend day.

Don't you see now? Ohio is a much more depressing football state than Missourah is at this point in the season. Can the Bengals or Browns turn it around? Maybe but I would doubt it. Obviously, the Chiefs and Rams are lost causes but right now, Ohio is much worse off when it comes to gridiron action. We have nothing to look forward to. When it comes to pathetic performances on the football field, the state of Ohio is king. Who am I kidding, though, it's still better than being a Lions fan.


Monday, September 22, 2008

The Worst of Week 3 Vol. II

Interesting weekend to say the least in the NFL. You saw some teams make statements (Redskins!) and some other teams continue to show that they have no business being in the NFL (Chiefs!). And that is where I come in to play...reminding my readers of the worst performers of the weekend. You may be asking what this picture has to do with week 3 in the NFL? Well, it really doesn't but I wanted to share it anyway. You see, I think you get a nice cross-section of emotions here. On the left, one of my die-hard readers looks extremely proud of the photo-op. In the center, Dennis Haskins continues to embarrass himself publicly. And on the right, a young woman that wants to be as excited as the other two, but is smart and realizes just how pathetic the situation is. Since this picture took place in St. Louis, home of the worst NFL team possibly ever, now we tie it all in and can get the post started. Thanks, Mike, and I hope that next time you can meet former Saved By The Bell hall monitor, Milo. Or at least Ed Alonzo.

10. Europeans! - My hatred toward Phil Mickelson actually had me not really rooting for the Euros, but not really rooting against them either. The worst of the Europeans in the Ryder Cup was Sergio Gramatica Garcia...by far. That was some very compelling golf and I'm happy for our team. I'm almost 100% sure that Boo Weekley is celebrating the win by drinking out of a jug with "X X X" on it while feasting on squirrel.

9. Tyler Thigpen - The 5 worst words that a fanbase can hear our "Tyler Thigpen is our quarterback". At one point yesterday, he was 1-11, -1 yards, and 2 picks. The Chiefs are a fucking mess. Which state has the worst football teams: Missoura or Ohio??? Now THAT is a tough question.

8. Matt Schaub - I'm starting to get to the point where I think that Arthur Blank actually made the right decision by keeping Vick and trading this turd. He hasn't gotten better and launched 3 more picks yesterday. We want Rosenfels.

7. Bears Defense - 407 yards passing from Brian Griese? 407 yards passing from Brian Griese! We all know that the Bears offense is pretty crappy. When they get 24 points, you HAVE to win that game. One more time, 407 yards passing from Brian Griese.

6. Martin Gramatica - The Saints/Broncos game was extremely entertaining and I thought that the Saints did a great job of getting back into the game. And they had the win in their pocket, too, until the kicking rat shanked a chippy. I love watching him fail and this picture is giving me a boner. I haven't mentioned it yet, but the Redskins are awesome. We're already a game and a half up on the Saints, too.

5. Matt Millen (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - I think it's time now. When you lose to the Falcons, Packers at home, and 49ers, it's time to start cleaning house. Starting at the top is what needs to happen in Detroit. Millen has had more than enough chances and they aren't even competitive anymore. Drew/Wig Master, I would like to know your thoughts on the current situation with the Lions. They fucking suck. They aren't nearly as great as the Redskins.

4. The Colts Front Seven - Everybody knows what the Jags want to do. Everybody knows that Peyton isn't really Peyton this season. So when he gives you a lead with a minute to go, you better fucking hang on to it. Instead, the Colts did the old "let's give up 100 yards rushing to two RB's" tactic that has never worked. I said it before and I'll say it again: I don't like anything about the Colts this season. Yesterday is a perfect example regarding why...they are soft and can be pushed around.

3. The Steelers Offensive Line - This just in, QB's are much better when they are standing up. Giving up 9 sacks and only getting about 30-40 yards rushing is pathetic. The ONLY thing that will prevent the Steelers from winning the North is the o-line...they better figure it out before their stud QB gets killed. Oh yeah, I hate the Eagles, too. Fuck you, Brian Westbrook!

2. Derek Anderson - Now, he is not entirely to blame for the Browns being horrible, but he's near the top. The coaching is horrendous, the o-line is a sieve, the defense is a disgrace, and Braylon Edwards is playing like a bitch. But Anderson sucked some huge goat balls yesterday. That was just painful. Enjoy your 4 win season, Browns fans, and I will enjoy watching you get beat by 20 points in DC in a few weeks.

1. Bill Belichick - Ummm, Bill, the Dolphins don't have a passing game. They have one playmaker on offense. You don't even need to cover their WR's and can stack the box all game. Instead, 5 touchdowns out of Ronnie Brown was a much better option to you. Awful, just awful. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving character though. It's unfortunate that the Bills are a million times better than the Pats this year. I find it very funny that Belichick isn't nearly the coach that his ego thinks he is without Tom Brady. Fuck him, I hope they lose out.

There you have it--another week, another group of suckbags called out. It's a big week though. Why, you ask? IT'S REDSKINS/COWBOYS WEEK! I hate those fuckers so much. I can't for Wade Phillips to gag on our Jim Zorn Boner. The Redskins are a fantastic team if I didn't make that clear earlier. I expect a 2 touchdown win by us in Little Mexico on Sunday. Hail to the Redskins. Hail to the Chimp.

Friday, September 19, 2008

One Final Hilarious Memory

I took a lot of heat yesterday for my unpopular opinions. That's fine. I can take it. No matter how you feel about my thoughts regarding college football, you are still coming back here again. Needless to say, I win. I figured though, to send you into the weekend with a chuckle, I would talk to you about something near and dear to my heart.

You see, this weekend marks the final games to ever be played in Yankee Stadium. Be prepared to get bludgeoned with this story over the next three days. In my numerous treks from Ohio to New York to catch games in the cathedral, I've had mostly good yet a few bad memories. Ironically, my final rememberance of the stadium will not be when I got to see Mariano Rivera run to the mound while Metallica jams and then strike out the side in the 9th this past summer. Oh no. My last memory of Yankee Stadium is something that I wasn't even there to see.

So my dad calls me yesterday afternoon saying that he's in New York and he's going to the games last night and today (PAVANO!). I wanted to tell him that I stopped paying attention to the Yankees 3 weeks ago but I acted like I cared anyway. That's what good sons do.

I get home and turn on the WGN broadcast because, after all, it's still a few hours before Kitchen Nightmares and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia come on. I've got to do something. I'm drifting in and out of consciousness until I catch this gem of a conversation between the White Sox announcers:

Hawk Harrelson - You know I'm a big Dora The Explorer fan.
Darrin Jackson - I don't like the way she dresses.
I'm dead serious. This passed as appropriate baseball conversation in the first inning. Anyway, the Sox score 1 in the first and Abreu hits a 2 run jack in the bottom. It's 2-1 in the bottom of the 3rd still when something bizarre happens...

Bobby Abreu goes deep again. As strange as it sounds for that tub of goo to go deep twice in 3 innings, that isn't the strangest part. The WGN cameras zoom in on the ball as it's heading over the fence and---holy shit, THAT'S MY DAD!!!

The ball lands about two rows behind him but dad has always had a sixth sense of embarrassing himself. Somehow he seems to know exactly where the camera is and appears to be looking right into it! All of a sudden, you see him start wildly fist-pumping like he's some sort of cross between Arsenio Hall and Tiger Woods' caddy. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. In real time, it only lasted a moment but it felt like an eternity. In the end, I decided to laugh hysterically. It was just too hilarious.

I immediately pick up the phone, dial him up, and call him a fag on his voicemail. My sister had beaten me to the punch and actually reached him to comment on how retarded he looked. The sis called me to discuss how amazingly awful our family is. It felt like Christmas. And while the camera shot only lasted one second, I have a feeling that it will be discussed at every family function from now until eternity. I can't wait. In ten years, that story will have morphed from a fist pump to "Griffey tried to rob the homer but I ripped his face off and because of this action, I was credited with a home run as well." Man, that was funny though.

As shitty as this season has been, at least I'll have one memory that will always make me laugh. I just wish that I had the knowledge to be able to rip a video of the aforementioned incident. Enjoy the weekend all. Oh, fyi, I'm calling my shot now...the Bengals are going to beat the Giants this week. Mark it down.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Why College Football Sucks

You read that right. Get ready to get pissed off. Today I'm unleashing all my anger at everyone's favorite pastime, college football. I was going to do this as a week-long, 5 part symposium, but then I figured "what the hell", let's anger up everyone's blood in one day; a no-holds-barred post. Why not just give my faithful one insanely long rant that I've been sitting on for awhile now?

Let me start by saying that I like college football. I don't love it like I do with the NFL, but I like it. It's pretty cool to be on campus (OSU) on the day of a big game just because you can feel the intensity in the air. Of course, it's even better when the Buckeyes lose. But anyway, I know that most of you are already thinking that I don't love college football because my alma mater isn't big time. You may be on to something there, but I disagree. I just think that it is an inferior brand of football. Allow me to explain my lack of infatuation toward the sport of college football:

1. There's no fantasy football. - Ah yes, it's technically not that important to the enjoyment of the game, but it helps out a helluva lot. I can tell you one thing, it's much easier for me to watch two crappy NFL teams play than it is to watch a mid-week Pitt/Rutgers game. Why? Because the NFL provides me with a vested interest to care about the meaningless games. Two 3-9 teams could be playing and I'm glued to the TV because I know that this is going to be the week that Carson Palmer actually does something right and I get fisted out of a fantasy win. College football doesn't have that charm. I am actually in a CF fantasy league and I don't even know who 80% of the guys on my team even play for. And there is the rub...in the NFL, if your team is having a terrible season, at least you have your fantasy teams to fall back on. In college football, if your team sucks...well, where do you go? You could get blackout drunk but when you wake up in the morning, your team still sucks and you're down 80 bucks.

2. Do we really know who the best team is at the end of the year? - I've argued before that I like the BCS. No, not because of what it stands for and how it is executed, but because it grants you plenty of hours of bar room debates. And isn't that what makes being a sports fan so great anyway? Who is the best team? Could we beat them? Are we better than them? We deserve to be there over them. I love it. But I'm not naive. The system is highly flawed. In pro football, the team that is standing at the end (except for last year) is always the best team in the sport. We don't know that at all when the BCS title game is over. It seems like every year different sets of fans are crying that they got screwed and were the best team in the nation. You don't get that whiny, pithy crap from NFL fanbases. The NFL just gives you a bunch of embarrassed Patriots fans running back to their cardboard boxes with their tales between their legs. Do I think that their should be a playoff? Eventually, but it isn't going to happen anytime soon so get over it. And get ready for another winter of not truly knowing who the best team in the nation is. You can take solace in watching the Super Bowl unfold and know that you are actually seeing a true champion.

3. The officiating is ridiculously awful. - Can someone please explain to me why each conference has their own officials? Why can't their be just one group that governs over all of the referees and assigns them to different sites each week (you know, like a Union)? Are you good? Go to the SEC game of the week. Do you suck? You're on MAC and Sun Belt duty for the rest of the year until you can go three seconds without making a terrible call. I mean, seriously, in non-conference matchups, the home team usually gets to have their own conference's officials do the game. How is that fair at all? The visitor's are at a disadvantage before the game even starts! And don't even get me started about the double standards either. Just look at the BS ending of the BYU/Washington game a few weeks back; 15 yards for flinging the ball in the air after scoring on the last play of the game? I think I've seen Chad Johnson give himself oral sex after a TD in the NFL and he wasn't even penalized. Obviously, the Hochuli saga has sullied the NFL this week but other than that, when was the last time that there was any real issue with officials in the pros? Hell, in the Big Ten alone, Stephen "Art Shell Ref" Pamon owed casinos a small fortune and was rumored to be fixing games yet it took the league until this past offseason to fire him. Well done.

4. The finances are completely fucked. - In what was probably one of my best posts ever; a few months back I said that if you root for a big time football factory school, you are not allowed to complain about the Yankees and/or the need for baseball to have a salary cap. They are the same. The BCS conferences have all the money and the resources in the world which keeps the little guy down just like the Yankees and Red Sox and Mets and Cubs do in baseball. So stop being a hypocrite. And there you have another problem...only about 10-12 teams out of 119 have a real shot at winning it all every year. And you know the names of the programs, too, beacuse it's the same damn teams every season. In the NFL, each year every fanbase has hope. Because it's happened before and they think it can happen to them this year. That's the best part about parity. If you had an injury-riddled season the year before, who cares, your luck could change this year. Unless you are a fan of the Lions or Raiders or Chiefs or Bengals or Rams...your life just sucks. I could argue that, with the right breaks that are needed for a run anyway, 12-18 of the 32 NFL teams have a chance to play in the Super Bowl. I like those odds as a fan of a team that straddles that line every year.

5. Televised games are longer than JFK - I appreciate the new rules that start the clock once the ball is spotted, but, my God, the games still take forever. NFL games take 3 hours...period. The college game can last anywhere between 3 hours and the amount of time it takes Mark Mangino to get out of bed each morning. The spread offense has revolutionized the sport but it has also added so much unnecessary length to the games. Incomplete passes suck. College QB's usually suck. College WR's tend to drop passes. Throwing the ball 40-45 times per game in the spread with these three variables sucks. Honestly, I don't have an answer for how the NCAA can change this and help me become less bored, but I would welcome any assistance. I could do without the 4 minute commercials and 3 hour halftime shows, too. Why do you need 20-25 minutes for halftime anyway??? The bands are fucking terrible and just play the same songs. Ooooh, what an amazing rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar! I hope they play it better next week at halftime! You don't go to the games to hear the halftime show, JUST PLAY THE FUCKING FIGHT SONG! But I digress and I'm starting to ramble.

So there you have it. My Fave Five reasons why college football sucks. Don't get me wrong, there are many more things that piss me off about the sport, but these 5 stand out at the moment. This is where it gets tricky because 90% of my readers fall in the other category of loving college/liking pro football. So let me have it. Tell me that I'm being stupid. You're going to be wrong, but like I said on Monday, this blog is now 100% a dictatorship. If you disagree with me, get ready to meet the KGB.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Let there be light!" Edition. That was one of the worst 48 hours of my life. I missed an entire weekend of great NFL action and most of my Sunday night programming, but it's good to have power again. Fuck colonial times, those would have sucked.

***Oh I get it, you're an idiot - St. Louis Rams "management" has made an idle threat saying that there could be some changes if things don't turn around. OF COURSE THERE SHOULD BE SOME CHANGES!!! Everyone should go. The team is abysmal. Are they trying to say that they JUST noticed that the entire franchise is in shambles? The Rams haven't been competitive in 3 years. This is just another shining beacon of how the people that own/run professional sports teams are the dumbest people in the country. Even the most positive of Rams fan would have shitcanned Scott Linehan this past offseason. But I guess it took two embarrassing blowouts this year on top of the last few seasons of football flatulence for the ancestors of Georgia Frontandrearie to figure that out. If the people that claim to be Rams fans/employees were any dumber, they would root/work for the Bengals.

***My Diagnosis??? Bad Babysitting! - It's been a bad week for both Vince Young and Eddie "Guns" Hochuli. VY has been labeled a...suicider? Get over it, Vince, I get boo'ed coming into the office every single day. Eddie tanked the game for the Chargers and is receiving death threats via email. Funny thing is...HE'S RESPONDING TO ALL OF THEM WITH APOLOGIES! How hilarious is that? It's admirable, I guess. Guns is saying sorry to guys that want him to die! Look, these guys need help dealing with their depression and I've got the solution. How about a few sessions with Jason Seaver? Alan Thicke could break down the walls of depression of these two guys. Isn't it obvious. You sit down 3 or 4 times with him and you're as good as new. And if he can't cure you...I suppose the noose in Tracy Gold's old room will support them. And if even that doesn't work, I'd bet that Jeremy Miller could hook them up with some free shit from the McDonald's Dollar Menu.

***Whew, I thought it was named after JR Rider - The Ryder Cup is this weekend from Valhalla outside of Louisville. Without Tiger being involved, it's getting about as much publicity as a pro-choice rally in the South. For some reason, ESPN.com has a headline stating that Tiger will not be there. How is that news??? Why would anyone voluntarily go to Kentucky? Of course he's going to be sitting at home. Although it would be sweet to watch Phil-do get his ass kicked in person. As far as a prediction, the Euro's will win because they always win. I'm fairly certain that Hunter Mahan and company aren't going to put up much of a fight. The best matchup this weekend will be Colin Montgomerie trying to fit in his pants. Or Jim Nantz trying not to sleep with a little boy.

***Herpes in, deaf guys out - The Cavaliers, coming off of a pretty unexceptional yet solid summer, made their final move of the offseason this weekend by locking up guard, Delonte West, for 3+ years. The constant cold sore is a real scrapper and played well for Mike Brown last season. But this also led to the exits of deaf center, Lance Allred, and fan favorite, Billy Thomas. I honestly believe that the Cavs, if they can remain somewhat healthy in the frontcourt, can win the East again. This is the best depth in the backcourt that the team has had in years and Mo Williams adds a dynamic that the team has lacked on offense. And considering that LeBron is the best player in the world, why wouldn't I think they could make the Finals? After all, Cleveland fans have suffered through the Indians and Browns this year...they deserve something to support. Well, actually they deserve The Clap...but a good team to support as well. I'll miss you, Billy Thomas!

***Suck my cock, Bobby Thigpen - Francisco Rodriguez broke the MLB saves record recently. No one noticed because no one cares about baseball right now. But it happened and it warrants mention. It's strange that he's going to save at least 60 games this year but won't even come close to winning the Cy Young Award. Oh well, sucks for him, I guess the massive contract that some team will be pissing away on him this offseason will have to do. As far as the rest of baseball goes...I haven't paid attention in 2 weeks so maybe you can clue me in. I heard that Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter. Who really cares though, the guy is a giant immature douchebag. I know it sounds pompous of me to suggest that baseball doesn't matter since the Yankees aren't worth shit this year, but, it's true. Baseball doesn't matter when the Yankees aren't involved. There. I said it.

***Somewhere John Norris is crying - First of all, how gay was/is John Norris. I read on msnbc.com yesterday that MTV is dumping TRL soon. I didn't even know that they played music anymore. I'm sure that they plan on replacing it with "True Life: I Want To Be A Used Condom" or "The Real World 432: Chernobyl". I'm betting that little shits everywhere are on the rag over this but honestly, none of them will contribute to society anyway. Kids are stupid. Kids that are avid fans of TRL should smashed by a steamroller. Not like me...or Kennedy...or Kurt Loder. TRL...what a sack of shit.

That's it. It's going to take awhile, but I know that I will get used to shaving and showering in the light again. Go ahead...picture me nude. There ya go. All better.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Giving You What You Want

I'm kind of surprised actually. Out of all of my "daily masterpieces" (thanks, Mr. Ace!), the one that I've gotten the most feedback on is the rant against my co-worker from a few weeks back. Well guess what? I've got a few more blurbs today. By the way, still no power and still no will to live for me. I will once again be sleeping on just a mattress tonight while my comforter builds up a strong collection of mildew. But enough about me, you want to get to know more about the C U Next Tuesday that I work with.

***She's been working here for 8 years, as opposed to my 2 years of service, yet she always asks me questions. I don't know if she is really that stupid or is just hoping to catch me masturbating one of these days, but I can tell you one thing, her pop-in visits are quite unwelcomed. And I'm a beating-off ninja...I will never be defeated.

***She took yesterday morning off because it was her daughter's first day of preschool. Now, all of the kids that I have have long been told to never talk to me and don't come asking for money(I'm like Karl Malone!), so maybe I'm being insensitive here. But if I remember correctly, it takes like 2--3 tops--minutes to drop your kid off at school. Yeah, it's their first day and it's special, but they are getting out of the car, waving goodbye, and then you go. I don't think you're supposed to sit in your van in front of the building for 3 hours. Actually, I know you aren't supposed to do that and I've got the memories of county jail to prove it. Get your ass to work. Which brings me to my next point...

***99% of the schools in central Ohio were closed yesterday. Her phone call/excuse is brilliant...wait for it...wait for it...

***She said that Sunday's wind blew off most of the roof from her house! Look, I never want to go to work either. I never call in sick (I did once but it was just because I wanted to watch 6 episodes of The Wire), but even I wouldn't use an excuse that lame. I was out driving Sunday night and coming into work today and guess what? NO FLYING ROOFS IN THE SKY. The sky was surprisingly roof-free. I couldn't believe it! The wind was pretty brutal but come on! Oh, she took a full day off for this as well. This has to go down as the worst excuse to miss work in the history of the universe, right? And say "most of her roof DID blow roof"...what the fuck is she going to do about it? SHE'S AN IDIOT! Her carpentry skills are about as advanced as Terry Schaivo's.

The good news is, as I said, she was gone yesterday. The bad news is, I did all of her work and she will come in today telling marathon stories that make it sound like she lived in Dorothy's house in The Wizard of Oz. God, she's a bitch. Like she's a victim and only she is effected. Stupid bitch.

UPDATE!!! Dumb snizz didn't show up to work again today. Must be still trying to track down that runaway roof.

It really speaks to my character that I haven't killed her yet. This is definitely going to turn into a sporadically run segment here. Cross your fingers for power for your buddy, Ol' G$...Big Brother finale party at Damman's tonight!!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Worst of Week Two Vol.II

OK, I've got a bit of a problem here. I'm writing this up as I usually do, at 10 pm on Sunday night. The difference this week is that I had to drive to the office to do it. You see, there are currently over 300,000 people in the Columbus area without power and, lo and behold, I am one of them. In fact, the only football that I've seen today is the first 3 quarters of the Titans/Bengals suckfest. I am pissed off. I've been blacked out (and not the good kind either) since 3 pm today and, get this, AEP, those fine douche bags that control the shit, say that we could be without power for possibly the next SEVEN DAYS. You've got to be fucking kidding me. So I'm not sure how the blog is going to go this week but I hope that we aren't affected too badly. Because this sucks. You know what else sucks? Having all of your bedding still in the dryer and possibly having to sleep just on the mattress the next few nights. Awesome. Fuck you, AEP. Fuck you, Gustav, Ike, and whatever the hell other hurricane that this shit is a result of. This is the worst thing ever. But anyway, as Queen once sang, the show must go on. Let's address a few topics from the football world...

Ohio State sure does enjoy embarrassing themselves - Now THAT was fun. O-VER-RA-TED!!! A complete destruction of the local joke. After the raping, I had Damman say to me at the bar, "Can you just explain to me how we always have a top 5 recruiting class yet never can compete in the big games?" Or something like that, he and I were both pretty blitzed. And it's a damn good question. The answer is simple...Jim Tressel is a very good coach, but he isn't great and it's time that you all admit that. If you look at Saturday's game and the LSU and Florida games, the underlying issue is that his team wasn't ready to play on any of those nights. You can keep winning the Big Ten all you want to, wake me when you can beat a good team. Nice job, Lame Lauranitis for coming back to win it all only to see your draft stock plummet out of the first round with that one shitty performance. Same with the gaping hole of Alex Boone and Marcus Freeman. Good job, guys, way to waste a year of your lives.

But as I told Damman, so what, you got beat by a better team. You can still win the conference. You can still run the table. You can still go back to southern Cali and potentially get a rematch in the Rose Bowl where they will kill you again. A national championship run is over but that doesn't mean that the season has to be considered a failure. Well, it will be over if The Todd Boeckman Statue of Doom remains the starter. The moral of the story is, it was great being the only fucker in a room of 20-25 people with USC colors on. I am fucking awesome.

Michigan Fans are losers - Losing to Notre Dame is bad enough (eventhough the injury to Chaz Weis was hilarious. I so wanted him to get carted into the locker room on a forklift), but after the game I know for a fact that two PROUD Big Blue fans made quick turnarounds. They both just so happen to comment here every once in a while. Glick and Jon both celebrated a loss to Jimmy Claussen by saying that they would be rooting for Ohio State that night "in support of the conference". How about you support the rivalry like a grown man? You two are a disgrace.

NFL Notes - As I said earlier, no fucking power. Here's what I can gather from following the scores on Buke's cell phone:
*Don't sleep on the Redskins yet, a nice come from behind win today against who many think will win the South. Congrats on the first win, Jim Zorn Boner.
*I'm very happy that I made that bet with Glick on who will have more wins this year, the Skins or the Falcons; it's going to be a long year for young Ryan.
*The Bengals, Lions, and Rams are the three worst teams in the league.
*The Seahawks are terrible.
*Suck on that, Brett Favre. The Patriots are still better than you and I love it.
*This Bills team is the best team in the history of the NFL.
*The Chargers are racking up the bizarre losses, aren't they? Jay Cutler is looking pretty damn good thus far.
*Welcome to the NFL, Darren McFadden.

That does it for tonight. I need to get home and sleep in my pitch black bedroom and pray that my cellphone alarm actually wakes me up. This fucking sucks. I'm the victim here, not all of those people in Texas. Cowboys fans deserve bad things, not innocent bloggers.

Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm Best Friends With Norman Chad

Dave Lozo at the aptly named, davelozo.com, is chatting it up with ESPN poker analyst and syndicated columnist, Norman Chad, today. Fortunately, one of my questions was asked to Norman and I am very pleased with the result:

GMoney: How intimidating is your mustache at a poker table?
NC: Not at all it seems. I think it’s my tell. It’s not intimidating in a courtroom either when we’re hammering out a divorce settlement.

Read the rest of the interview here...thanks, Lozo. My life is getting closer and closer to becoming complete.

UPDATE! Lozo is a buttfucker and that interview was a very well-crafted fake. Damn. I guess my longing for Norman Chad will continue.

The Clash of the Criminals

Unless you've been living under Star Jones' ass recently, you know that there is a certain mega-sized football game this Saturday night. No, I'm not talking about Charleston Southern and Miami either (although I can see how you may have been confused). The big Ohio State/USC matchup goes down tomorrow and needless to say, I think it's worthy of it's own preview here. But I'm not going to look at actual aspects of each team that may influence the outcome--it's just not my style. Instead, I've got ten completely unrelated "factors" that will somehow have an impact on The Collision At The Coliseum.

Before we get started, I was listening to the increasingly crappy duo of Mike and Mike this morning and they were calling this game that. That is an awful moniker. Just terrible. Why does everything need a nickname these days anyway? I feel that The Clash of the Criminals makes much more sense. After all, Pete Carroll is a Crip and Jim Tressel performs back alley abortions. Or how about The Obliteration of the Overrated? I'm allowed to use the "O" word today and I'm the only one. If anyone else tries to start that up again, their comments will be deleted (Li'l Strut). Anyway, on with my nonsense:

Mascot - Traveler the horse vs. Brutus Buckeye
Winner - USC. Brutus is creepier than shit and Traveler has a horse cock. I don't like it when people have bigger heads than me, I'm giving this one to Traveler.

Stadium Pseudo-name - The Coliseum vs. The Horseshoe
Winner - USC. Lions ate Christians at another coliseum. Horseshoes are for picnics and the hillbilly olympics. USC gets this one.

Literal Nickname - Trojans vs. Buckeyes
Winner - USC. A warrior is much cooler than a poisonous nut.

Least Obnoxious Song - USC's "Good Play" jingle vs. Hang On Sloopy
Winner - USC. I LOVE it when USC does something good and the band plays their "good play" song. I want it as a ringtone. She-Money is well aware that if Hang On Sloopy is played at our wedding, I will divorce her on the spot.

Alternative Meaning of Nickname - Trojans vs. Buckeyes
Winner - USC again. While the peanut buttery, chocolatey, and parrifin waxy goodness of a buckeye is pretty solid, condoms are much, much better. Getting laid > getting Diabetes.

Comedian Alums - Will Ferrell vs. Richard Lewis
Winner - OSU. I'm giving this to Lewis for his work on Curb and because Ferrell hasn't been funny in well over a year and doesn't appear to be getting his groove back.

Whores - The Song Girls vs. Drunk Chicks At HineyGate
Winner - USC. Come on, not even close. And drunk chicks at HineyGate, if you get on a guy's shoulders, YOU HAVE TO SHOW YOUR TITS! Way too many teases recently...

Most Pompous ESPN NFL Analyst/Former WR - Keyshawn Johnson vs. Cris Carter
Winner - Push. I actually like both of these guys. Maybe it's because Emmitt Smiff sits next to them though.

Most Embarrassing Former QB - Todd Marinovich vs. Art Schlichter
Winner - OSU. Being addicted to drugs is for the truly fucked up. Being addicted to gambling is pathetic. That being said, I like the name Art.

Most Embarrassing Former RB - OJ Simpson vs. Maurice Clarett
Winner - USC. At least OJ had a successful playing and acting career before killing everyone in southern California. Mo-Cla pissed it all away by showing up to Broncos training camp with a bottle of Grey Goose and a couple of those Rambo-style bullet sash's. And I love OJ anyway.

But enough with the pointless insanity which is this blog; what is really going to happen come 11:30 pm on Saturday night? With Beanie Wells being downgraded to doubtful, I just don't see how the Buckeyes score. The Todd Boeckman Statue of Doom appears to get worse and worse by the week. And he may be talented, but I doubt that the immature Terrelle Pryor is ready for this kind of stage yet.

I honestly know nothing about USC's offense except that they lost a lot to the NFL last year and that Marc Sanchez has one of the fastest-healing knees of all time. But I do know that their defense has like 17 first round picks on it. Rey "Something Hawaiian" will prove that he is a better player than "the kid who's dad was in the Legion of Doom and I don't know how to spell his last name". Again, unless Sanchez throws 4 pick-six's, I don't even see this one being that close. Without Beanie, the Buckeyes couldn't even run the ball on The Ohio's for God's sake. And let's not forget that Pete Carroll is a better coach than Jim Tressel (suck on it, you know it's true). USC wins this battle of the defenses/kickers 23-9.

And it's going to be glorious for me. I will be sitting in a room comprised entirely of Ohio State fans and a few Michigan fans (who will embarrass themselves and the "rivalry" by rooting for the Big Ten) just laughing at another national embarrassment for OSU. It's going to be great. And yes, I will be wearing my USC shirt, too. Go Trojans. If you disagree with me about that, we can all agree, go USC Song Girls!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Coaching's Heaviest Hitters

Many people suggest that coaching football is a young man's business. That with all the hours in the office and studying film and scouting, it can really take a toll on the human body. Luckily for some coaches, they have an ample amount of "body" to handle the rigors of the profession.

As a tribute to those that lost their lives on 9/11 7 years ago, I honor their memory by discussing...really fat head football coaches? You know it. Today, we list or favorite flabby-armed warriors of the sidelines. Now, I know what you're thinking, "hey, asshole, this has been done before" and while that's true, I'm going to expand my search wider than anyone else who has done this before. Why? Because I'm great, that's why. All of the lists in the blogosphere that I've seen have stuck with just the college ranks. I will be looking at the college and professional ranks for my thesis on gluttony.

How this works is that I'll list my favorite rotund football geniuses and judge them based on The Richter Scale (I have no idea if it does, but let's assume that it goes from 1-10). 1 being the number of people that laugh while watching My Wife and Kids and 10 being the Tremors worm (that should have eaten Kevin Bacon) trying to bring down the general store in that one shithole town. Basically, this is my opinion regarding who would cause the largest earthquake if they fell down. Shall we...

Dishonorable Mention: Mike McCarthy (Green Bay) at a 5.9, Phil Fulmer (Tennessee) at a 6.6, and Ralph Friedgen (Maryland) registering a 7.0. Click clack, Ralph.

5. Charlie Weis (Notre Dame)
I still haven't figured out how a guy who had his stomach stapled has managed to pack on at least 20 pounds per year since the surgery. Weis might be the only man who's ego is based entirely in the tire around his waist and that would explain the inflation. Either he's sporting the biggest FUPA known to man or he's got a boner shaped like Stewie Griffin's head. I don't know who or what he's yelling at in this picture but I can guarantee it has nothing to do with lowfat salad dressing. It likely has more to do with him wanting his quarterly cool glass of sausage gravy.
Richter Scale: 7.4 - Make sure to get to a doorway...

4. Romeo Crennel (Cleveland)
When Romeo got hired by the Browns, I was living in Cleveland at the time and Donato's ran this hilarious campaign with him advertising crappy pizza. It was great because Crennel is about as comfortable in front of a camera as Heath Ledger is at staying alive. I get the feeling that Romeo's diet consists of nothing but fried food and more fried food and if you shake his hand, you're covered in chicken grease for at least the next week. And that may not sound bad until everyone you know starts referring to you as "greased-up deaf guy". With a name like Romeo, you would think that he would be some sort of African lothario, but, nope, he's just an orka.
Richter Scale: 7.8 - The tsunami is coming...

3. Mark Mangino (Kansas)
I know that you all want him to be #1 but I'm giving the big lug a break. We all know that he is gigantic but it doesn't help that he's like 4'6". It may not even be his fault. His body is a perfect circle of gellatin. What if he went to Willy Wonka's factory and accidentally ate a blueberry (like Veruca Salt) and took the shape of the fruit? Maybe not a blueberry, probably more like he ate a blimp. I would pay to see Mangino and Rick Majerus sumo wrestle. Not because of the comedy though, but because of my "obese men in thongs" fetish. Rumor has it that Mark has a dynamite recipe for ham-sicles.
Richter Scale: 9.0 - The knight told you not to take the Holy Grail past the seal!

2. Tom Amstutz (Toledo)
One of the lesser known lardo's in the sport, but as a MAC football connossieur, I know him all too well. Toledo Tom has been waddling up and down the sidelines at the Glass Bowl for something like two decades now. And for two decades now, construction crews have had to re-do the foundation each Spring. Toledo Tom likely has a penchant for dumping chili on everything--including himself while bathing. I've seen cows commit suicide at just the mention of his name.
Richter Scale: 9.4 - You know how eggheads say that one day California will break off from the country? It will happen the day that Amstutz falls out of bed.

1. Andy Reid (Philadelphia)
Look at this picture! That is a poster for bad health, bad parenting, and prostate exams. I like to think that the Eagles head man is checking to see if his player's internal temperature is warm enough. You don't want to eat raw human meat. You could die from that! Salmonella is no laughing matter. Reid does a pretty solid job of concealing his mass under those enormous parkas, but wow, what a blob. I was at Pat's in Philly this summer for a cheesesteak and I'm pretty certain that I saw Reid's cot in the kitchen. With a body like that, you almost have to be living in a grease trap. I think one thing is obvious though, his sons weren't dealing diet pills.
Richter Scale: 9.875 - The Rapture is upon us; start asking for forgiveness.

That was...ummm...kind of gross. I actually look forward to going to the gym after work now. I think I mentioned everyone that I wanted to (I really wish that Bill Parcells and his GUNT were still coaching so I could have skewered that overrated sack of blubber), if I missed anyone, let me know.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Oh, come on. Just look at the picture and try not to laugh. Fortunately, this blog is overstocked with BORT license plates." Edition.

***Not only is he bad, but he's also quite mad I tells ya - Can someone explain what the Hell is going on with Vince Young? First, rumor has it that he asked not to go back into the game Sunday after throwing his second pick and getting boo'ed. Then he goes missing and Jeff Fisher has to put an APB out on him to make sure he isn't killing Vince Gill or whatever people in Nashville do for fun. I've been reading that VY is having some confidence issues or something. Either way, the guy pretty much sucks as a QB in the NFL. I can't wait until the day comes where he's cruising around Murfreesboro with AK-47's and Grey Goose in his Escalade. The Maurice Clarett approach to life is very much desired. I would do it, but I'm more of a whiskey fan.

***Enough is enough, end the experiment already - I'm done with it. I can't stand it anymore. Tony Kornheiser has got to go from the MNF booth. On the heels of my attack on The Sports Reporters yesterday, I may as well keep my vitriol focused on Bristol. Mr. Tony is terrible. He doesn't know anything about football. He only mentioned Brett Favre about 400 times on Monday even after Tirico and Jaws told him to get over it numerous times. And he even compared Aaron Rodgers to Sarah Palin in what might have been the dumbest comparison ever. Shut the fuck up and go back to DC with Wilbon and Reali. I never thought that there would be a day in which I would say that someone is worse than Dennis Miller, but here we are...and I'm saying that. Don't even get me started about how shitty Mike and Mike and Mike were either. I've seen gay films that did a better job broadcasting football than those 3 (come on, Unnecessary Roughsex is a delightful romp).

***In 2009, The Testicle Strikes Back - Would that make Lance Armstrong the Luke Skywalker of bicycles? The low point in my blogging career happened a few months back when I spent an entire day on Floyd Landis. I hated myself for it and you all hated me even more. Anyway, here comes more cycling talk! One Ball Armstrong is apparently coming back in 2009 to race in the Tour De France again. Yay? My pride in American cycling will once again be restored? Ummm, no. But I can tell you exactly why he's getting back into competitions...he's testing out new undetectable steroids just like he has in the past. Either that or he wants to sell some more weirdo bracelets and bang another Olsen twin. I wouldn't recommend either.

***If he's Screech, the NCAA is Lisa Turtle - I applaud Ben Mauk's tenaciousness when it comes to wanting to keep playing college football, but enough is enough already. How many more times does he need to be told no before he realizes that his lifelong dream of playing a 6th year of college football for the University of Cincinnati (every red-blooded American's dream!) just ain't happ'nin'? Just go away, start your life already. He just looks more and more pathetic with every rejection he receives. He's like Barack Obama trying to get on for a round at Augusta. They don't give a fuck what your title in life is, you ain't teeing off here.

***Charlie Coles likes it when his team gets killed - For those that have been around here long enough, with the exception of the NFL, college basketball is my true passion. I can watch any game at any time. That being said, my RedHawks released their schedule yesterday and, once again, Charlie Coles is going to try and destroy the confidence of his players before the conference season starts up. Allow me to explain: Coaches vs. Cancer tournament against Weber State and, assuming a victory, then UCLA; @ Pitt; @ Xavier; @ Temple; Valpo; @ West Fuckin' Virginia; @ Dayton; and on the road for Bracketbusters game. Wow, what a minefield that is. I don't see many wins there even with our loaded team this year. The most bizarre thing about the schedule though...we play a home and home THIS YEAR with Northwestern St.? That makes about as much sense as Charlie Weis still being employed. Could be a rough start to the season but at least we'll have a good RPI.

***Bravo, Juice...well played, sir - Is there anything better than OJ Simpson? He's the gift that keeps on giving. With his trial coming up for robbing some poor schlub to get his own memorabilia back or something, The Juice's laywers are seeking a racially diverse jury. Do they really think that minorities are just plain retarded? I don't care what color your skin is, if you barge into a hotel room and stick up someone at gun point to get a few autographs back, even the dumbest of Puerto Ricans can figure that one out. And if a Puerto Rican can figure it out, a black guy sure as Hell can. We miss you, Lieutenant Nordberg, please come back to us.

That's enough for today, I suppose. I've got something better than mediocre up my sleeve for tomorrow. Do the words "clown" and "porn" mean anything to you? If they do, than we have the same taste in climax inducers.