Thursday, July 31, 2008

ESPN's New Hockey Analyst Is...

We all know that ESPN covers the NHL about as much as I cover Monet paintings here. But when they did, we always had the pleasure of listening to the salt and pepper glory of Barry Melrose dissecting the game that most of us are unfamiliar yet he loved with a passion. But, alas, Barry's allure was too strong and he went back into coaching in the league. The hole that was left when Melrose departed from Bristol has still yet to be filled. Their are some rumors that it may go to some scrub named Matthew Barnaby, but that is just foolish. Joe Everyman doesn't know who the hell that guy even is.

I think that ESPN needs to broaden their search for a replacement. Instead of looking at retired players or coaches, why not rent a couple of movies or watch a few TV shows to find some new, untapped hockey experts. Here's my list of 8 people/characters that I wouldn't mind seeing be added to the ESPN family of snobby anchors:

***Reg Dunlop (formerly of Slap Shot) - If you've seen the movie, which I shouldn't even have to ask anyway, you know that Reg is a marketing genius that knows how to get people talking about hockey.
Potential catchphrase - (After a questionable hit against the boards by a goon) "Oh you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!"

***Matt Stairs (current professional hitter rotting away in Toronto) - I remember some baseball game from a few years back where Stairs was mic'ed in the dugout and he asked who was winning some random hockey game. It was hilarious. I think he's a Canuck, too, so that helps.
Potential catchphrase - (After a game-winning goal) "Cover that bastard in maple syrup!"

***Judge Walter Burns (former coach of Mystery/is Burt Reynolds) - The Judge has developed so many great players out in rural Alaska, the man clearly knows his hockey like he knows the law. But I worry that he would talk too much about the open ice game as opposed to the NHL-sized rinks.
Potential catchphrase - (After an insane move by Ovechkin or someone else good) "That man is filthier than Sally Field's panties!" You know, because this is Burt Reynolds that we're talking about.

***Gordon Bombay (former architect of The Mighty Ducks/Team USA) - The man knows the game from his beginnings in the Minnesota Junior League up to his meteoric rise through the coaching ranks. I'm a tad concerned that his ego will get in the way of quality broadcasting. Cake eater!
Potential catchphrase - (when a player is yelling at a ref) "Did you really Quack at the Principal? Are we Ducks or what?"

***Herb Brooks (coach of the 1980 Olympic team, the Kurt Russell Brooks, not the dead guy) - I thought that Russell was very good in this role actually. With Melrose's mullet leaving the company, ESPN could use some new, great hair in the hockey seat. And everyone loves the Brooks-ian "Lego hair".
Potential catchphrase - (After a crucial turnover) "That look like hockey to you? To me it looks like two monkeys trying to hump a football".

***Darren McCord (stopped some sort of terrorist plot in Sudden Death) - McCord may not know much about the sport, but he's a beloved figure for stopping that terrorist attack in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. That alone makes him a Canadian Dave Coulier!
Potential catchphrase - (after showing pre-game footage of a goalie that ended up playing like a sieve) "Don't fuck with me, I'm about to have a very bad day".

***Elisha Cuthbert (formerly of Sean Avery's penis, 24, and The Girl Next Door) - Not only does Elisha blog about hockey during the NHL playoffs, she will also sleep with anyone that has skates or a stick or has a bag of ice.
Potential catchphrase - (after a nifty assist) "I haven't seen fancy stick work like that since Scotty Bowman boinked me last week.

and my pick...

***Tim "Little Hockey" Meadows - All around the world, Meadows is known as "Little Hockey". Allow me to paste the transcript since I can't find the video on YouTube (this was done during the strike in '94 and was part of a Weekend Update):

Tim Meadows: Thank you. Thank you. The baseball strike I can deal with. But when it comes to hockey, nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger fan than me. In fact, around here, my nickname is "Little Hockey." ... Watch this. [waves to someone off screen] Hey, guys!

Off Screen Guys: Hey, Little Hockey!

Tim Meadows: See? ... [increasingly upset] What am I supposed to now that there is no hockey? Watch basketball? No. I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. ... But forget about me. What about African-American kids all over the country? ... They need their heroes. If an African-American kid can't look up to a Mario Lemieux or Mark Messier or Mario Roberge or a Guy Carbonneau or ... or Patrick Roy ... who can he look up to? ... I swear to God, there are only a few things that get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey! ... So, come on, you owners and players, I need my hockey. Like I need air or water or food or clothing or whatever. You don't want to make me mad! Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back to you, Norm.

I can't wait to see you on SportsCenter, Little Hockey. I'm sure that they will try to get you to be the 81st person on the Sunday NFL Countdown set, but down waffle. Stay strong. You are the new voice of hockey in America. Back to you, Norm.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Goodbye, K-Farn

I'm trying to hold back tears here, but, Kyle Farnsworth is leaving The Bronx. For some reason, the Tigers wanted him back and gave the Yankees an upgrade at catcher for their trouble.

Pudge (pictured, thanking God to be getting out of Detroit) in Pinstripes for our worst bullpen pitcher not named LaTroy??? Yeah, I'll take it. Another rock solid trade for the underrated Brian Cashman.


The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "You get a boner, slap her titties around some, then stick it inside her, and pee" Edition. That's Cartman explaining how to get laid by the way.

***That's 456 straight days of being raped for those keeping score at home - The big news out of the court system today is that "disgraced" NBA referee Tim Donaghy (pictured explaining to Kobe the difference between a pick and a scratch) will be serving 15 months in the pokey. Doesn't that seem like a bit of a letdown after all the shit that he apparently did to fix games? And why does everyone say that he is disgraced? Maybe he's proud that he could fix all those games for all those years and knew that it was only a matter of time until he was caught? I don't know, I would be proud of myself if I could pull off something that intricate. So I guess that this is the end of the dirty NBA refs saga...yeah fucking right, just wait until next year's playoffs. As far as Donaghy goes, I hope that his cellmates call him "Fish". That's Michael Schofield's prison nickname!

***The longer that this drags on, the more I want his wife to get sodomized by Matt Millen - Once again, fuck Brett Favre. It's amazing how quickly he went from being a guy that I truly enjoyed watching play to being a loathsome hayseed that I detest more than a Tony Romo/Jerry Jones sex sandwich. It appears that The Wrangler sent his paperwork into the cummish and will be reporting to camp soon. Great. I'm sure that ESPN will send a reporter or ten up to Green Bay for minute-by-minute updates. But you know what you're not hearing anyone say (I've said this a few times over at The Sports Paddio)? Brett Favre didn't change last year. He was still the same mediocre QB as he had been the previous 4-5 years with the only difference being that the defenses were not picking him off. He still made the same stupid throws. He still forced the ball into quadruple coverage. Except the corners were dropping them last year. BRETT FAVRE WAS DONE 3 YEARS AGO. And wherever he ends up playing this year, bet against them. Morons keep saying that trading for Favre means you are going to the playoffs...fuck that.

***At least he won't be the most hated Kwame in town - You're damn right I just dropped a Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, reference! Enjoy it, Drew. Kwame Brown (that's right, THEE Kwame Brown) is heading to Detroit to play 6 minutes a night for the Pistons. I guess that this was the "splash" that Joe Dumars was talking about. Really? The worst #1 pick in the history of basketball is the Pistons big offseason move? For as much credit as Dumars gets for being a good GM, sometimes you have to wonder if he deserves that praise. He's made the worst personnel decision of the decade (Darko over Melo, Bosh, and Wade) and has not been able to get his team over the conference finals hump in a long time. Something to think about...but in the mean time, enjoy the Kwame Brown Era.

***I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore - I've been holding onto this picture of Chuggy Bear for about 2 months now, waiting for the right moment to unleash it on all of you. That day is today. Two WV hoops players (one of them being Joe Mazzulla who was nails for the 'Eers last March) were arrested at a Pittsburgh Pirates game for underage consumption and starting fights. This is priceless. A couple of kids from a hillbilly college go up to a hillbilly town, drink some 'shine, and start rumbling with the locals. But what can you say, this is what Pirates baseball does to people. The pitching of Paul Maholm just isn't enough entertainment anymore. Come for the I/C Light and bare-knuckled combat, stay for the mediocre baseball. Bob Huggins is clearly still not happy.

***The Angels are winning the World Series - John Lackey almost throws a no-no against the Sux in Fenway. They also acquire Mark Ta-Cher-Ah for a bag of magic beans. They have the best rotation in baseball. They have the second best closer in baseball. Their lineup has no holes. They have a fantastic manager. Let's give them the trophy now and start focusing on football. No one is going to touch these guys in the playoffs. I would not be surprised if they went 11-0. I am dead serious here.

***If he didn't spell his last name with two "m"'s, Mark Mangino would have already eaten him - Blah, blah, blah I hate the Olympics. Male gymnast and flaming Buckeye alum, Paul Hamm, has retired or quit the team due to some limp wrist excuse. My guess is that he hurt himself having some sort of homoerotic truck stop jambaroo. Look, I'm sure it's a very difficult trade to master and they are very talented people. But as long as male gymnasts are showcasing their bulges while not executing powerbombs, I ain't watching. Well, except for the video from a few years back where the guy jacks his face on the pommel horse...that was excellent. If NBC could guarantee one of those per night, it might be worth the excessive spandexed dicks. And the chick gymnasts are weird because you never know if you're being a pedophile or not. My suggestion is to just ignore these events all together.

***Speaking of deep-fried microphones slathered in delicious gravy - The Catholic church's favorite lardo, Charlie Weis (pictured screaming about his hatred of fruit), was asked to sing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley Field this week. Now, I find this a bit bizarre due to the fact that a.)Notre Dame sucks and b.)Weis's entire resume is sketchy at best due to the Spygate fiasco. I guess that the Cubs fans boo'ed him for the most part. Or they could have been Moo-ing at him. Basically, this blurb is just to point out that Weis really hasn't done anything without cheating yet is getting the star treatment. He's like Jim Belushi when you think about it. On the next According To Charlie, he devours a polar bear from the inside out! And stay tuned for tips on how to deep-fry a fetus!

***I wonder how you celebrate your 18th birthday with balls in your mouth - My favorite shitty driver and friend-vegetable-turner-into guy(?), Nick Hogan, celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday in the comfy confines of a 9X9 cell. Isn't it kind of ironic that Nick paralyzed his friend by slamming into some sort of barrier with his car yet now some black guy is slamming Nick's tonsils while his mom and dad are on the outside committing statuatory rape? What? That's not irony? Well, whatever it is, it's hilarious. I've gone back and forth regarding whether or not I would like to see Brooke Hogan in Playboy...and I think I'm on the "No" side right now*.

*Who am I kidding, one of my favorite things in the world is "women who take their clothes off for money". Of course I would check this out. Oh, here would be some irony; Big Tyrone throat-jamming Nick Hogan in jail while checking out the nude pics of his sister. There we go, that's better. Who needs a journalism degree anyway? All I need is a perverted mind.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Middle Finger: Anyone Associated With The WNBA

Now, I know what you're thinking, "he took last week off on The Middle Finger and now he's back mailing one in like the sick sonofabitch that he is". Not true at all. Because stupidity knows no bounds and is always free game to me. Today's topic actually pisses me off no matter how pointless and irrelevant that it may be. OK, by now we have all seen the chick brawl that took place last week between the team from Detroit (I think that their nickname is The Homeless) and the...umm, hmmmm...Lilith Fair Supporters??? It was funny. We all shared a deep, chauvinistic laugh at the expense of these idiots. We also got to ride back in Professor Frink's time machine to once again see Rick Mahorn throwing people around The Palace. It was awesome. All and all, a bunch of broads got suspended, one got hurt for the year, and Mahorn proved that he is still a force to be reckoned with. But what bothers me is how Detroit/WNBA responded to the insanity. To fill out their roster, the Homeless signed your grandmother to a seven day contract. She may not be your grandma, but Nancy Lieberman (what happened to the -Cline part?) somehow rug-munched her way back into the league.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the laughable losers at the WNBA.

First things first, what was the fucking point of that? Did the league think that the world would stop spinning just because Nancy Leiberman was making her "triumphant" comeback to women's basketball? Honestly, I didn't know that it happened until Sunday evening. When the Cavs made those rather large trades this past February, the first game after and before the new guys suited up, they had to sign a few NBDL guys to fill out the roster. You know, the actions that normal people would take. You would think that you could get more out of a young, hungry player than you would out of Mama from Mama's Family. The WNBA clearly disagrees with me though.

It's not like they signed her to sell tickets either. She is only supposedly playing in one game and it was a fucking road game! When I first heard about this, I figured it was some shameless promotion to get a few, and I mean few, more people into The Palace than normal. But the Homeless were playing...somewhere other than Detroit! I could understand (maybe) trying to ignite a small buzz about the team other than the possibility of watching Rick Mahorn choke a bitch. But they signed Throw Mama From The Train for one road game which tells me that they thought that she actually still had game. Candace Parker keeps telling us in those commercials to "Expect Great"...yeah, this falls right into that thought process. They should change that slogan to "Expect A Dry Menopausal Queef". Disgusting.

If Lieberman is considered the top free agent in professional women's hoops, AT A HALF CENTURY YEARS OLD, then women's basketball is even more dead than we thought. It's swimming with Terry Schaivo. In the entire realm of chick hoops, there is apparently no one worthy of a 7 day contract from ages 21-49. If you are trying to change your league image from dyke-y to good, clean family fun, then you should probably take a pass on Estelle Getty's corpse whose autobiography foreword was written by Martina freaking Navratilova. Can you imagine this happening in any other sport? If Tom Brady blows out his knee this year, will the Patriots sign Archie Manning? Kobe Bryant gets jailed for rape so the Lakers replace him with World B. Free? Still reeling from the Chien-Minh Wang injury, the Yankees go out and add Rollie Fingers? You see where I'm going here. Not only does this signing make the WNBA look even more bush (bad pun intended) than it already is, it also empowers old people to think that they are still productive members of society. And that is not good for anybody.

I think that we can officially call the WNBA dead now. I mean, we already did, but now it's flatlined. It's been in an induced coma for a decade, but Nancy Lieberman just pulled the plug. It's over. When you run the risk of deactivating a player and the boxscore reading "N. Leiberman - DNP (Osteoporosis)", you are done. So enjoy your Middle Finger, WNBA/David Stern, and I hope you enjoyed your first and last mentions on this blog...unless Sue Bird and/or Becky Hammon have some sort of erotica released. I'd be all over that.

For what it's worth, I actually enjoyed writing this post whether you liked it or not. Because juvenile sexist and ageist jokes are right up my alley.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Weekend's Good, Bad, and Ugly

A quick rundown of the weekend's best and worst offenders from around the world of sport because I don't have anything better to write about and you haven't found a better blog to read yet:

The Good:
The New York Yankees - Hey Hey! What a fantastic weekend to be a Yankees fan. Well, besides being smarter and more well-informed than all other fanbases, once again we thump our chests at our greatness. First, Brian Cashman bamboozles the dumbass Pirates for Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte. While I'm not the biggest fan of Nady and think he's playing waaaaay over his head this year, this is a massive upgrade over the light-hitting shitstain named Brett Garnder. And we already saw what Marte can do with his clutch strikeout on Big Papi Saturday afternoon. The fact that the Yankees gave up a dry handjob for these two speaks volumes regarding why the Pirates are a terrible organization. You guys enjoy the Ross Ohlendorf's not a fun ride. And then, of course, is the series win over the flustered and inferior Boston Red Sox. Now, it would have been nice to get the brooms out on those jackasses, but I really didn't expect Cy Ponson to dominate last night anyway. Does anyone out there still think that Joba Chamberlain isn't an ace in the making??? You should all love him for his propensity to throw 90+ mph fastballs at Kevin Youkilis' head...something that we all wish that we could do. The Yankees are making the doubt about it. Whether they do anything is another story but I am completely confident that baseball will be played in The Bronx in October yet again.

The Philadelphia Soul - Your 2008 Arena League Champions!!! Whatever, this is all the recognition that they will get from me. Wake me up when Ron Jaworski and Bon Jovi get caught 69'ing each other.

The Bad:
Manny Ramirez - What in the hell is wrong with Manny? He's off on another tangent about wanting to be traded and, again, it comes out of leftfield (his position!). I don't get it. He makes 20 million a year, just won a second World Series, has a fanbase of pedophiles that love him (hell, even I like him), and is a media darling yet for some reason he's pissed and thinks that he deserves more respect. I just don't understand what the hell is going on with this nutjob. And quit using the "Manny being Manny" bullshit, the guy is insane. There is a big difference between being charismatic and being bipolar.

Indianapolis Motor Speedway - As I was laying around the house on Sunday nursing a very sizeable hangover, I managed to watch more of the NASCAR race than I would like to admit. But that is a result of being too lazy to change the channel. Anyway, the track was ripping up everyone's tires so NASCAR was imposing yellow flag cautions every ten laps to deter this. First of all, why do they keep going back to Indy if the track sucks? And why do they keep using Goodyear if their tires are pussies? And why is Brad Daugherty still an analyst! To me, this is why auto racing will never be considered a sport. Something as basic and retarded as sturdy tires and asphalt had a HUGE impact on the outcome of a race and due to all of the cautions, there were no g'damn accidents! Fuck this. Can you imagine if there was a basketball court that was breaking the soles off of every player's shoes? Or a football field that made Tony Romo less gay? Madness!

The Ugly (Why a picture of HERM!? Because there is nothing uglier than Herm coaching and this picture always makes me smile):
Dwyane Wade - I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only part of the Olympics worth watching is basketball. We are taking back our honor this year. But I may have to root against us after seeing Wade's new look. Most black guys look good with a shaved head...Dwyane is not one of them. What do I know though, Star Jones could have eaten all of his hair when he was sleeping after a night of hot bread-buttering.

Delonte West - Delonte falls under any "ugly" category. Yahoo! is reporting that he is seriously considering playing in Russia next year as opposed to YOUR Cleveland Cavaliers. Please don't do it, Delonte. We have no other option at PG and I will go on a murderous rampage if I see Eric Snow back on the floor at The Q ever again.

I'm out because I'm on 2 hours of sleep. I just couldn't fall asleep last night knowing that ESPN was going to reveal the winner of the TITLETOWN label today. Best of luck, Valdosta, Georgia!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Invading Big Ten Media Day

Yesterday, the Big Ten Conference held their annual Football Media Day in Chicago. Apparently, my invitation to cover the event was lost in the mail. I should mention that I didn't apply for one, wouldn't go anyway, and had no idea that this was even going on, but I still feel like the Big Ten let me down. But, I will get over it. I have to move on. Man, it would have been nice to get a few tough questions asked to those coaches...uh oh, looks like I have a topic for today.

Pretty simple actually, I'm just going to list all the coaches in the Big Ten and what question I would have asked each of them. So imagine me standing up in my BBQ sauce-stained sweatpants and LSU t-shirt, getting pointed at by the moderator, and saying, "G$ from The Money Shot..." and my question follows. Let's do this.

Illinois Coach Ron Zook - Coach, everyone outside of Illinois is certain that your head is filled with rat excrement. My question to you is, how much easier is it to hide how stupid you are when there is a much dumber Bruce Weber sharing the same campus with you?

Indiana Coach Bill Lynch - Coach, now that the luster has worn off on the "Win one for Hoepp" season, aren't you concerned that Hoosiers fans will now focus on the fact that you are a bad coach that was once fired from Ball State? (Editor's note, for all the first timers here, I'm a big Hoeppner fan, he coached Miami all 4 years I was in college)

Iowa Coach Kirk Ferentz - Coach, tough season last year seeing as you just fell short of becoming bowl eligible because you couldn't beat the Western Michigan juggernaut at home in the final game. That being said, why in the bloody Hell did you try to cover up two of your players raping another student?

Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez - Coach, you're pretty much a scumbag. I've got a dictionary right here that explains what the term "buy-out" means. Anyway, how badly do you think your team is going to get crushed by the awesomeness known as Miami RedHawks football on September 6th?

Michigan State Coach Mark Dantonio - First of all, I would just like to scream toward that picture, "COME 'EER GIRL!" Secondly, Spartan teams have been known to quit every season. I'm setting the over/under on your team giving up at October 12th, which side are you betting on?

Minnesota Coach Tim Brewster - Real quick two-part question, coach. Who are you and how are you qualified to be a coach in the Big Ten?

Northwestern Coach Pat Fitzgerald - Coach, I don't want to talk about your team because chances are they are going to suck anyway. I want to know about your thoughts on the Rich Harden trade and whether or not anyone in baseball looks more white trash than Kerry Wood?

Ohio State Coach Jim Tressel - Congratulations on your book, The Winners Manual, opening up at #3 on the New York Times Best Sellers List. Coach, do you expect your next book, The National Championship Losers Manual, to vault straight to #1 after you make it a 3peat this January?

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno - Coach, I know that you have no desire to retire from coaching, which is why PSU has no contingency plan, so I'm not even going to ask about that. What I would like to know is did you just shit your pants?

Purdue Coach Joe Tiller - Joe, a lot has been said about Purdue already naming your successor thus making you a lame duck coach. What kind of tips do you have for all the kids out there that would like to own a mustache as lovely as yours.

Wisconsin Coach Bret Bielema - Coach, there is no denying the success that you've had early on in your head coaching career. How embarrassed do you get though when you look at your schedule and see that you basically play four high school teams in your out of conference tune-ups?

Tell me that I wouldn't be an excellent edition to the Media Day press conferences? You saw what I did there. I set them up and had them leaning over the plate for a softball question and then BAM!, I drop the dime on them. I should start my own journalism school. If you have better questions that I should have asked, let me know. See you all on Monday.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Your 2011-2012 Seattle Cavaliers

Work with me today, I'm going to explore an absolute worst case scenario regarding my Cleveland Cavaliers that entered my warped and twisted mind today. I've done no research on the topic at all. I'm just throwing it out so, in case it does go down, I can say that I knew it was going to happen. Keep in mind, some idiot on a Cavs message board just flippantly brought this up, but he doesn't have an amazing blog like me to dive into this further. So let's do this, let's talk about the end of an era...sigh...a horrific chain of events that would lead the Cavaliers to possibly move from Cleveland to Seattle some day.

Let's start from the top. We all know that David Stern (best picture ever) permitted Clay Bennett (sack of goat feces) to buy the Sonics eventhough he had the full intention of moving the team to Texas's Hat. The city of Seattle sued Bennett. They settled on a deal where he would buy out of his contract with the city for $45 million. Seattle would get another $30 million from Bennett if an NBA team didn't relocate there within the next 5 years. This is all public knowledge and we know this. Clay Bennett, go ahead and take the rest of this post off.

What we also know is that LeBron James can become a free agent after the 2009-2010 season. We've heard all of the people that don't know anything about the NBA talk about how it's a shoe-in that he's taking off for one of the New York teams. While I think that it is still waaaaay too early to say that and just because he's friends with Jay-Z doesn't mean shit, it is still something that you have to consider as a possibility. Personally, I don't think he goes anywhere. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. The Cavaliers are showing that they are at least trying to win a championship. In 2 years, the Knicks and Nets will still both be rebuilding. The money isn't an issue either. The Cavs, per NBA regulations, can offer more money and more years than any other team in the league. Also, LeBron is saavy enough to realize that the more salary he commands, the worse his supporting cast is going to be. After all of this, the pundits will throw out the lame reasoning of endorsements. First of all, LeBron isn't hurting when it comes to having his face on TV and in print. And as far as that Nike provision that pays him more if he's in a bigger market? Well, that Nike contract runs out the same time he becomes a free agent. So what else do you have for me, morons?

But enough of defending why LeBron will always be a Cavalier. Obviously, we fans all realize that there is a chance that he could bolt. So let's say that he does and he heads to one of the boroughs. I've said it before and I'll say it again, should LeBron James leave Cleveland, professional basketball in the state of Ohio is dead FOREVER. The state loved those Mark Price/Larry Nance teams of the 80's and early 90's but eventually they broke up. No one cared about the Shawn Kemp and Bobby Phills years. But then the local boy came. The prodigy. The savior for the city of Cleveland. LeBron woke up a once deceased Cavaliers fanbase like he was The Undertaker. The people came back in waves. The playoff crowds were deafening. Hell, Cleveland has had a massive banner of LeBron on one of the buildings for the past few years. The city loves the kid and loves the sport again.

Now imagine he leaves his hometown.

All of a sudden, we're back to mid-90's Cavalier basketball. A 30 win season happens in '10-'11 with dwindling crowds and no hope for the future. Season ticket holders start bonfires to torch their once valuable ducats. Coaches and GM's get fired. Big free agents would rather be sodomized than to sign with the Cavs. Dan Gilbert, realizing that the LeBron gravy train has halted to a stop and that he is hemorrhaging money, puts the team up for sale after the 2011 season.

David Stern, seeing an opening here, makes a secret proposition to Microsoft asshole, Paul Allen. He tells him that he's got a team for him that just so happens to be up for sale and none of their fans would care if they left anyway. Allen cuts a fat check to Gilbert and promises to buy a few shares of Quicken Loans and like THAT...another team leaves Cleveland under the cloak of night. Seattle gets the NBA back, Clay Bennett keeps his $30 million, and Clevelanders are left holding their dicks.

Now, I have no idea what the details are regarding the Cavaliers lease with the city or any other legal mumbo jumbo that could potentially deter this from happening. All I do know is that when you think about it, it doesn't seem that far-fetched. If Our King bolts, NO ONE will be going to The Q anymore and Stern could step right in and help move them to the Pacific Northwest. I don't even want to think about LeBron leaving, but, in my mind, it's always better to prepare for the worst.

The NBA: Where Amazing Happens And David Stern Always Gets What He Wants

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Sex Cauldron? I thought that they closed that place down" Edition.

***Drunk chicks of N'Awlins beware - Jeremy Shockey (I loved it when he broke his leg last year) is heading to the Saints. I guess the Giants finally realized that they didn't need him anyway and actually got better by getting rid of his overrated ass. But, that being said, that is a really nice addition for the Saints. The WR's were suspect last year and they had no one to throw to down the middle (bring back Ernie Conwell!)...problem solved. Personally, I'm more excited about this because drunk Shockey pictures always surfaced when he was in NY, can you imagine the kind of pics that we will see of him on Bourbon Street? I would not be surprised to see him passed out on a sidewalk with a she-males cock in his mouth. I would call that funny. Shockey calls that Tuesday.

***Bad news for the Yankees and Ginger Yankee Fans - Eventhough he sucked all season and is a poster child for all GM's to not give major years to an old man, Jorge Posada was still a big part of the Yankees. Now rumors are swirling that his throwing shoulder is so fucked up that he may go the route of season-ending surgery. When you couple that with Matsui possibly not coming back either and sprinkle in the rotten offensive production of replacements, Jose Molina and Brett Gardner, it's amazing that this team is even over .500. But not all of the news out of The Bronx is bad...Yankee Stadium officials are once again allowing fans to bring sunscreen into the park! But only in bottles 3 ounces or less! Fuck you, dangerous UV rays. I guess too many people complained about the intense sunburns that they weren't allow to prevent inside the park. Normal people would tell these Yankees fans to go fuck themselves. I applaud them. I've gone weeks without seeing the sun. Now granted, I was chained up in that priest's basement, but I think it's all relative.

***Kirk Ferentz has always been an avid supporter of sexual abuse - This probably isn't going to help with Ferentz's squeaky clean image. Apparently, two former Hawkeye football players raped a girl a few years back. The girl addressed her concerns to anyone that would listen and she was asked to keep the incident on the down low. She even lived a few doors down from one of the attackers and was constantly called a whore by her dorm neighbors. Ouch. Man, that is some sick shit. This is something I would expect out of a Lou Holtz coached team, not from Ferentz. How can anyone try to cover up for a rapist? Winning games is important, but it isn't that importat. Rape is only funny/acceptable when it happens to bloggers and wild animals.

***I guarantee that you would see the girly flopping go away - I just read this and actually think it's a pretty awesome idea. An Italian soccer club was almost purchased this week but, at the last second, the police came in and broke it off. Why? Because the buyers were a Mafia family. You want Americans to pay attention to your sport? Bring in Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts to threaten the players if they don't win. Soccer could use some sexy scandal though. The NBA doesn't want rogue refs or point shaving, I think that the risk of a game being dirty would only help the MLS. But, I'm sure there would be some unfortunate when your goalie gives up a game-winner in overtime and is never heard from again. We don't need that. Well, I hate soccer, so if it takes the Mob to whack them all and rid the world of this awful sport, then I say bring it on. Hey, David Beckham, get outcha fuckin' shinebox.

***You just know that the fans will use Thunderstix - The team formerly known as the Seattle Sonics will now be known as the Oklahoma City Thunder. First of all, that is an awful name. Secondly, all teams should have their names end with an "s". Third, did I mention that that name is fucking retarded. What is their mascot/logo going to be? A sound? The word "BANG"? Angels bowling? There were plenty other acceptable, and still tasteful, options for the team's name. Personally, I liked the OKC 89ers. Anytime you can put a number in a team's nickname, it sounds cool. Or incorporate Jim Ross somehow. Or be called the Executors and have a picture of a dead Timothy McVeigh as their logo. I don't care. I'm pretty flexible on this.

***She may be a worse driver, but I think she might be hotter - By now we all have seen footage of the Danica Patrick/Milka Duno towel-throwing catfight this past weekend in OHIO(!). It's stupid. Chicks aren't tough and they should never act like they are. And they all suck at driving. The real superstar of this skirmish was the hotness of Duno. She's got kind of a Sofia Vergara thing going on and this blog likes that. I had never heard of her before but she's pretty hot for someone in her mid-30's. Not only would she kick Danica's ass in a cat fight, she also threw my catcher's mitt in her face! Take that, bitch. Enjoy the DNA! What were we talking about that wasn't totally disgusting again? Oh yeah, Milka needs to pose nude in like Cherry or Hustler or something with an amputee.

***Thank you for being a friend - Sad, sad news today as former Golden Girl, Estelle Getty, has passed away at the ripe old age of 84. That's somewhat bizarre considering that she looked 84 when that show was on the air. I was always told that although she played the oldest on the show, that she was actually younger than the other menopausers. That isn't true though, the saucy whore known as Rue McClanahan holds that honor. Rest In Peace, though, Estelle, we will never forget your Oscar snub in "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot"!

And with that, I'm done today. It's high time that I scour the interwebs for pictures of Bea Arthur bending over and taking it from Betty White.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Thumbs Up: Carson Palmer

I am aware that this space is usually reserved for The Middle Finger. But not this week, my friends. No, I'm not too angry right now and I'm actually feeling a tad satisfied. It could be because I just took off my shoes and socks in my cubicle, but mostly, it's because we get to talk about Ohio State fans again.

First things first, I am absolutely 100% not a fan of today's instigator. I think he's the most overrated quarterback in the league. He's great to have on a fantasy football team but has yet to prove that you want him as the QB on your real team. He's won exactly as many playoff games since coming into the NFL as I have. We have also finished the same amount of postseason offensive possessions. It's easy for fans to excuse his mediocre play by blaming the defense, which is partly true, but Peyton has led his team to the playoffs for what feels like the past decade with a crappy defense. It can be done. So that being said, you will never see me apologize for the former #1 pick and Heisman Trophy winner. It's time for him to put up or shut up. But don't shut up just yet. Your recent quotes are more delicious than a John Morrell hot dog.

This week's inaugural recipient of the Mike Utley Thumbs Up Award goes to Carson Palmer.

Let's get right to it; Palmer (pictured doing what he does best: deepthroating a sausage) was on some radio station in SoCal recently and kinda/sorta went off on Ohio's most popular team (besides the RedHawks obviously):

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes. It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf. I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten."

Well...that's not pulling any punches or sugar-coating anything. Clearly, Palmer is in the same boat as the rest of us Americans that feature IQ's over 14. But I, as well as the rest of the world, am curious as to why these things were said. I mean, I'm allowed to say that because I'm Joe Cubicle who posts under a moniker. I'm not an extremely public figure in a state filled with people that are/were his fans but now detest him (at least for the time being). It doesn't make sense. Well, almost...

Carson finally reached his boiling point. Buckeye fans are so grating and annoying that he finally snapped. They are like herpes. it doesn't matter what you do or what medicine you take, those sumbitches are going to keep popping up at the wrong times and suck the life out of you.

It's kind of like Christmas time when you were growing up. Every year, you asked your grandma to give you some ankle socks (talking about anything but OSU) but for ten straight holiday seasons, it was nothing but plain white tube socks (talking about them). You always reminded her that you didn't that style, but she kept buying them for you anyway. But you grow up and you forget about it. Then all of a sudden, 15 years later, your underage Thai prostitute (SoCal radio show) knocks on your hotel room door wearing thigh-high's and it triggers your memory. You hated those fucking tube socks. You never wanted to see another pair again yet your hooker reminds you of all those wasted Christmas presents. And you take your rage out on the poor whore even before defiling her/him. I'm trying to figure out if this analogy actually works...fuck it, I'm sticking with it. Buckeye fans are like tube socks on Christmas never want them around but they keep showing up anyway.

To sum things up, I hope that the Bengals, Buckeyes, and Browns win a combined ten games this season. This blog has always supported people going off on other groups of people for no apparent reason. And Carson Palmer just gained a lot of points with me today. Not enough for me to overlook how average he is as a winning QB, but Carson the man gets a big Thumbs Up from myself, The Fonz, and Mike Utley. Job well done, Carson.

Monday, July 21, 2008

GMoney's List: Announcers

In case you are new here, I'm quite the pessimist. "I hate more than I love" for you idiots out there that don't understand big words. Anyway, we're going to be doing a sporadic mini-series here where I list the people that I hate. Novel idea, huh? Well, fuck you, start your own blog that rules.

This is going to be an awful lot like Schindler's List except that it won't be nearly as funny and have much more gratuitous dick shots. We already went through my list of dispiccable baseball and basketball players. Today, I run off my list of announcers that I loathe (Disclaimer, my prejudice against people that flat out suck at their job is going to really shine here.). It's a pretty extensive list even after I trimmed away the guys that I just only dislike. Yes, I hate this many (40, just like the number of nails that I always wanted to pound into Billy Packer's eyes!) announcers. I'm reserving myself to only one/two sentences per cock weasel to describe why I hate them. Because honestly, I could write a book on why I despise these guys. One standard that I set is that all of these people had to have at least been on set/sideline reporters during some sporting event. Let's get this started (in no particular order)...

Mike Patrick - Maybe he should stop worrying about Britney Spears and focus more on not being terrible in the booth.

Joe Buck - The most pompus ass in the business, acts like he's the smartest man on the planet.

Chris Berman - No one likes this walking case of Cirrhosis.

Jim Nantz - Hello friends, I'm going to try and lure your child into my van.

Mike Tirico - He's solid but his voice can't handle a big, high drama play; just has no personality.

Skip Caray - Ah yes, the voice of the Atlanta Braves...coming up next on The Superstation...

Bryant Gumbel - He almost singlehandedly brought down The NFL Network with his shittiness, excellent at dishing out beach justice though.

Tim McCarver - There's a nice, warm corner in Hell waiting for Timmy.

Joe Morgan - See McCarver, Tim but Joe is going to Hell's version of Hell, sharing that room with Pete Rose.

Steve Phillips - He's been employed by ESPN for years now and I'm still waiting for him to say something correct/accurate.

Mike Greenberg - Is it just me or is he becoming incredibly smug...he's like a little Joe Buck.

Rick Sutcliffe - I've heard him talk about sending text messages to Derek Jeter, I've got ten bucks saying that that never happened.

Darrell Waltrip - BOOGITY BOOGITY shut the fuck up, hayseed.

The Jensen Brothers - It's just tennis, assholes, no need to look and speak so intensely.

Jim Lampley - Yet another guy that takes himself too seriously and doesn't have any fun in the booth, he's a robot.

Jimmy Roberts - I bet he's under 5 feet tall and anyone that primarily covers golf is a snob.

Tom Rinaldi - He's turning into one of my least favorite sportscasters, nice part in your hair; he produces nothing but God awful fluff pieces.

Stuart Scott - Boo-Yah! Ol' One Eye can suck the saltiest part of my balls.

Stephen A. Smith - I've never heard anyone say that they could even stand this guy; Quite Frankly was quite frankly the worst show ever.

Phil Simms - How this guy is on the CBS A-team is something I will never understand, it's called "not being a hillbilly", look into it. Also, they are the Bengals, not the Bingles.

Paul Maguire - Possibly the worst human being to ever speak into a microphone. I remember a Sunday night game on ESPN between the Dolphins and the Skins and this happened (which I consider the benchmark for how stupid this guy is):
Ricky Williams just breaks off a long TD run...
Mike Patrick: How does a man that big run that fast?
Maguire: Speed.
Ten seconds of dead silence while the rest of the booth marvels at his stupidity.

Pat Haden - Tom Hammond is solid on ND football games but Haden always comes off as a weenie.

Ron Jaworski - No one cares how the safety reacts in a cover 2 defense when the offense runs play action.

Joe Theismann - If you want to hear someone contradict himself 8 times in one game, Joe is your man. He flip flops more than John Kerry.

Michael Kay - You better thank the lord tonight that you don't get YES! on your cable package, Kay could make the most ardent fan hate the sport.

Ric Bucher - He thinks that he knows everything and that he's best friends with Kobe...nice fucking soulpatch.

Ron Santo - The biggest homer in the world. I get it, the Cubs are good this year, but you know what else is good, Ron...having legs. Ouch.


Tom Hamilton - The worst radio play-by-play guy in MLB history. The #1 cause of automobile accidents is this guy's shrill and warbled voice. He sounds like he gargles balls in between pitches.

Jerry Remy - Thick New England accent and loves the Red Sox...a recipe for disaster/anal leakage.

Kenny "Hawk" Harrelson - Sometimes you have to wonder how a professional broadcaster could be so biased? My Pick To Click tonight is Juan Uribe!

Doug Collins - It would have been nice had he took the Bulls job because he's a bad coach and he's a mediocre commentator.

Reggie Miller - He just makes shit up evidenced by his frequent use of the phrase "full steam of head" this past postseason.

Jeff Van Gundy - He's just a geek who spends more time talking about how he shouldn't have to pay full price for a haircut than he does hoops.

Michael Cole - A wrestling announcer, his voice is just grating. A definite "Swirly" candidate.

Gary Thorne - I loved him for saying that the Schilling sock thing was fake (which it was), but I hate him for apologizing and always sounding a little buzzed in the booth.

Steve Tasker - You don't anchor the CBS NFL 6th team for a decade if you're good at your job.

Chris Rose - Quick, name me a bigger spazz announcer than this HJ?

Len Elmore - I know that he knows what he's talking about but he always sounds like his blood pressure is 40/20, like he's fighting to stave off a coma.

James Brown - I love JB in his football studio hosting, but when CBS put him on March Madness play-by-play...whew, that was awful. And when you put him with Elmore...almost ended college basketball.

What do you all think? Did I forget anyone? Luckily for Billy Packer, he was fired before this list was made. You can put these on the board, Hawk...Huh-YESSSSSSSSSS!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Jason Taylor Is Finally A Winner

Super Bowl. That's all I need to say. The Redskins give up a couple of question marks for one of the best defensive players in the league. No matter how hard you try, you can't say anything bad about this deal for the Redskins.

With Taylor and the rejuvenated Andre Carter coming off the ends, oh man--I'm going to need some paper towels here.

Hail To The Redskins, bitches, we're going back to the Super Bowl.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Ohio State Fans Hate Titletown

We've had a lot of fun talking smack about Ohio State this week. It started with our mocking of Jim Tressel on Monday and, of course, that spilled over into Tuesday because Buckeye fans can't let anything die. But it's time we give them some credit. I know, I know, it's hard to even think about that, but I think that this time they have earned it. From some OSU website:

Thursday’s event at OSU (Columbus's TitleTown segment) – which was held between St. John Arena and Ohio Stadium – was similar to ESPN’s College GameDay program. Wendi Nix was the host and she interviewed two-time Heisman Trophy winner Archie Griffin on the set (one of his Heismans was also perched on the set). Over 200 Ohio State fans showed up dressed in full Buckeye gear.

200! Considering that, when GameDay is in Columbus, there are anywhere between four and five thousand people around that set, I wouldn't be happy about this turnout if I were ESPN. But then again, TitleTown truly is a fucking awful idea. Hell, when it broadcasts next Monday on Sportscenter, they're going to have to CGI in some extras to make it look like central Ohio actually gives a shit. Can you really blame Buckeye fans though? Not since ESPN unleashed the 'Who's Now" plague onto the world has an idea been so stupid. How can Parkersburg, WV compete with New York City for the moniker of Titletown? P'Burg: We've won the state football title for the past 10 years in WV! NY: We won the Super Bowl last year, case closed. It's just ridiculous.

Seriously, it takes a truly horrific premise for Buckeye fans not to come out in full force, pound their chests, and scream at you about how great they think they are. So does this mean that OSU fans are getting smarter and more reserved? That they aren't taking themselves so seriously anymore? That they won't drink a few beers on game day and immediately start looking to fight someone smaller than them?

Nah. That can't be true. They are just as insane as ever, maybe even crazier than we like to think. I enter into evidence Exhibit A:

Jim Tressel held a book-signing for his latest 200+ pages of lettered toilet paper on Wednesday evening at the OSU bookstore from 7-9 pm. People/Idiots were lining up at 6 am for a chance to get a non-personalized autograph (they actually made a point to say that Tress was only going to sign his name) on a book. 13 hours wasted for 10 damn letters on a book that they won't be able to read anyway.

Some things never change. Even when Buckeye fans do a good thing like spurning ESPN, they make up for it by encouraging more football coaches to write books. But I digress. I'm heading to a She-Money family reunion this weekend (can't wait to answer all of those questions!), I'll be back Monday with another edition of GMoney's List. You remember that, right?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Happy 2nd Blogiversary

Shit, I damn near forgot. Tuesday July 15th was this blog's two year anniversary! Yep, for once, I'm actually going to thank all of you that stop by and comment. Commenting on my work is what keeps me going and you guys have been top notch over the past two years. Thank you again.

If I can't remember my Blogiversary, you know damn well that I'll be one of those guys that forgets his anniversary every year. She-Money will get over it as long as I leave a comment. It works here at least.

To many more years of nonsense...

More Proof That Americans Are Idiots

There really isn't much going on in the world of sports right now. Baseball picks up again tonight but talk about the All-Star festivities has already been explored. The Favre saga has been beaten like Eight Belles. It turns out that all NBA refs are just as dirty as we all suspected. You know, same old same old. So, I've got a video and a rant for you today. You've all probably seen this commercial at some point. Go ahead and watch it again and wait for my head to finish exploding.

Many questions immediately spring to mind here. Who the fuck would buy this? Are there really that many morons in this country that just like to flush money down the toilet? They offer a $1000 rebate so you know this fucking thing is expensive as Hell. If you want a pool, why not get a real one? That seems like a much more logical purchase. Do people really have random rooms in their houses where this thing would actually go? No one remembers who Rowdy Gaines is, why have him endorse the product? The guy doesn't even have any fucking hair. I'm not taking swimming tips from a bald asshole. I don't care if this pool would allow me to lose twenty pounds in one week, I'm not listening to some chode that only has 16 hairs on his head.

A random testimonial on the Endless Pools website says that this contraption "helped uncomplicate her life". What does that even mean? My husband killed himself 2 months ago and the only thing that made me sane again was this 6X10 pool. I'm sorry, but how is that even remotely possible. It's just a bigger bathtub but only with more piss in it.

I've got a few readers with some aquatic backgrounds (I'm looking at you, Saul and Burgei), what do you guys think of this thing? Obviously people are buying it, but why? Am I being too hard on Rowdy Gaines or does he just have the dumbest name of all time?

I don't know, this is just one of those things that I don't understand (and there isn't much else). It's kind of like how TBS tells us that The Bill Engvall Show and Tyler Perry's House of Payne both feature the funniest family on TV. Well, which family is funnier? And how does Brad Garrett keep getting work?

How about that for a completely random post? If that didn't give you a hard-on, I also write a weekly post over at Epic Carnival. This week I preview the 2009 Celebrity Softball Game for next year's All-Star break. There's some Maria Menounos(sp?) cameltoe involved if that sort of thing interests you. Back tomorrow...if I didn't drive you all away today.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "after watching Dirty Work for the second weekend in a row, I am fully prepared to deem it one of the funniest movies ever" Edition. My reasoning?
Chick: Wait, you guys are brothers?
Norm McDonald: It's a long story.
Artie Lange: My dad boned his mom.
Norm: OK, it's a short story.
HILARIOUS! And let's not forget about the Saigon whore that bit Chris Farley's nose off.

***The All-Star Game LIVE from the greatest stadium ever built - First of all, that pregame ceremony was awesome. I had chills running down my spine for 15 minutes. Baseball has it's faults, but one thing it does right is what you saw last night. I never saw them play but seeing Willie Mays and Hank Aaron and Yogi Berra and Willie McCovey, etc. on the field at the same time is just amazing. And how about Big Stein making an appearance! He looked terrible and was choked up, but he's a freaking icon and I'm glad he made it up from Tampa. As far as the game goes, nice fucking offenses. The pitching was very good, but come on. I am already regretting staying up and watching all of that. I found it hilarious that Yogi kept calling Joe Buck, Jack. Even a black heart like me felt for Dan Uggla. 3 K's, a crippling double play, and 3 errors is no way for anyone to make their first all-star game memorable. And say what you want to about Yankee fans, but they know how to make an event feel special. Michael Young is the most clutch all-star game hitter of all time. I think I covered all that I wanted to there. Dick joke.

***Some people are just ignorant and most of the time they live in Boston - Obviously, I never shy away from voicing my hatred toward the Boston Red Sox. Yet as stupid as he is, I have never went after Jonathon Papelbon before. Well, that's over. First of all, this guy is a complete mutant with his fat nose, "O-face", and retard stare. I would be more intimidated by Tim Kurkjian than this skidmark. Anyway, he says that if he hd managed the all-star team, he would have named himself the closer ahead of Mariano Rivera. Nevermind that the game is in Yankee Stadium. Or that Rivera is the best relief pitcher of all time. Or that he he hasn't blown a save this year compared to Papsmear's 4. Or that his ERA is over a run better. Nah, forget facts. Ignorance is truly bliss. I'm just glad that Francona, who seems to be a legitimately decent guy, said that Mo would get the save opportunity (and did get the 9th and 10th innings while the outspoken fucktard blew it in the 8th). Fuck Pap. And now the poor baby is upset because people were insulting he and his pregnant wife during that parade thingy. Let that be a lesson, Mariano is untouchable in New York.

***This reminds me of the time where I saw a black man stab a blind guy in the back - Hey, remember when Carlos Boozer had a handshake agreement with former Cavs owner and blind guy, Gordon Gund, to resign with the team only to shit all over him and sign with Utah instead? It likely has already cost the Cavs a championship! Well, it happened again last week (except everyone involved can see) with Elton Brand. From all accounts, he opts out of his deal to free up some cash for free agents, convinces Baron Davis to come to LA, but then bolts for the East Coast for reasons still not fully explained. What is with Duke guys and betraying people? They must have learned it from The Devil Rat. Oh well, enjoy being the 6th-7th seed in the playoffs over the next 5 years, Brand-o. Watch out the first time you play the Clips as well because Chris Kaman owes you a punch in the stomach. UPDATE, nice move by the Clips to deal for Marcus Camby for what amounts to being a handjob.

***Note to self: Do NOT bet on the Colts this year - Things just don't appear to be going the Colts way, do they? Tony Dungy is, in essence, a lame duck coach. Marvin Harrison is shooting anyone that moves. And now Peyton (pictured looking like what a Super Bowl MVP should look like) had to have knee surgery. Now, he won't miss any regular season games, but he will miss most of training camp. Is it just me or do the Colts seem to be on the way down while the Jags are continuing to gain steam? I think that this is the year that the Jags overtake them and win the South. But I'm almost positive that Peyton would OWN David Garrard (better than Derek Anderson!) in a Double Stuf Oreo eating contest. Wouldn't even be close. Peyton just likes the cream...almost as much as losing to Philip Rivers and Norv Turner in the playoffs.

***A major without Tiger? Bollocks, I say - My favorite golf tournament, The British Open or Open Championship if you are a pompous ass, begins tomorrow! While Tiger is staying at home trying to remember how to walk and banging a hot Swedish chick, it still doesn't mean that this won't be fun. Defending champ, Padraig Harrington (cousins with WSOP champ, Dan!), may or may not play for reasons that I'm too lazy to look up. Since he's Irish and I like to perpetuate stereotypes, I'd bet it was a bar fight gone bad. But I look forward to Phil playing like crap per usual and Sergio choking again per usual. As far as who I like goes...hmmm...everyone is going to say Adam Scott but he always sucks things away on the weekend. Since Tiger is gone, I'm picking Big Ernie Els. Also look out for Geoff Ogilvy, who always is near the top in majors not called The Masters, and my boy Miguel Angel Jimenez. Needless to say, The Claret Jug is staying abroad this year. Maurice Clarett's jug is right next to his bolted down sink.

***Apparently this broad was hired to coach my Destroyers - MY Columbus Destroyers hired a new coach yesterday! The person's name is Pat Sperduto and this was the first picture that came up in my google search. So either my Arena football team hired a broad to coach them or my team hired someone that NO ONE has ever wanted to photograph. Pat I guess I've got that going for me. "The 2009 Columbus Destroyers: Justin Zwick, bitch". That should be the slogan for next year's team.

***Allow me to recommend a fine television program - I consider myself to be the best TV watcher in all the world. From time to time, I give you tips on how to improve your viewing. While HBO has sucked cock recently, you have got to watch Generation: Kill on Sunday nights. You should be anyway since it's created by the guys from The Wire. Kill is about a Rolling Stone writer's wild ride with American Troops in Iraq. The first episode was fantastic. It's based on a book of the same name. I have to be honest, I was hooked from the first minute and the hour just flew by. Take my word for once, watch this show.

I'm out. I'm still trying to wake up.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Middle Finger: Joe Morgan

Well, boys and girls, we finally did it. It took over two decades, but we accomplished our goal. That's right, Billy Packer has been shit-canned by CBS. No more will he ruin the Final Four. No more will he dump on the mid-majors. And no more will he seemingly hate the sport in which he covers. All of us need to give ourselves a pat on the back because you have to believe that CBS finally heard the internet's cries for help. But let's not rest on our laurels here. Now that we know that our voice is being heard, let's attempt to get another crotchety, old sourpuss fired. For as bad as Billy Packer was, and he sucked, you could at least sometimes tell that he liked the sport of basketball. Today's target hasn't loved his sport since he stopped playing. Need evidence to support this? Just listen to a Sunday Night Baseball telecast. It's time for us, the nameless and faceless online drones, to go get us another firing.

This week's Middle Finger goes to ESPN's resident bitter curmudgeon, Joe Morgan.

I'm writing this on Monday evening, trembling at the thought of tonight's Home Run Derby telecast. Why, you ask? Because I know what's coming. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are broadcasting this already awful event. It's Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, Rick Reilly, and Joe Morgan. Kill me now. I was planning on watching this with the sound off anyway, now I know that that is the correct decision.

But enough about the broadcasting rapture, let's talk about Joe. I would imagine that most of you have tuned into a Sunday Night game on ESPN at some point this season. I want to know, how long were you able to go without turning the channel over to something else because your ears couldn't take anymore mindless babble? 10 minutes? 20? Thank God my living room has the ultimate sports-viewing 3 TV set up. Even when the Yankees are playing, I don't dare put the game on the big screen due to his horrendous commentating.

Someone needs to do a thesis determining when Morgan went insane anyway. He's been known to make up facts, tell stories about playing on certain teams only to find out later that he wasn't on the team that season, and he compares everything to those late 70's Big Red Machine teams. The last thing is what really bothers me. I never saw The Big Red Machine play because I wasn't alive, but I did see the '98 Yankees play. That team was sick. And yet I remember Morgan going out of his way over the next 2-3 years to say that his Reds team was better. It held no context on the broadcast, but he felt that he needed to say it anyway.

But enough about why I personally despise Joe Morgan. He is supposedly an ambassador for the sport of baseball and, since it is All-Star week, he's making the rounds doing interviews. Of course, he isn't really promoting the sport at all. Courtesy of Awful Announcing:

Specifically, when he was a ballplayer, the All-Star Game was way better than it is now. The players really wanted to win and the ratings were higher and the hot dogs probably tasted better. At least that’s the way Morgan sees it. “Part of the reason the game doesn’t bring that energy is it’s a different game now. Now it’s considered an exhibition, whereas before it was considered life and death,” Morgan whimpered to reporters during a conference call in which he was supposed to be plugging the game for ESPN.

But, wait a minute, I believe that the all-star game determines home field advantage in the World Series now and it didn't back then. Who am I kidding, you're right, Joe, NO ONE today could play in the big, bad 1970's when drugs ran rampant in the clubhouses. Get with the times, asshole. Just because Pete Rose ran over a catcher that one time because he is a prick, does not justify a game being treated as "life and death". The game has changed. It is better now than it was when you played. Deal with it.

So enjoy your Middle Finger this week, Joe Morgan. You truly are a shining beacon of douchebaggery. Billy Packer was forced to give up the torch as sports' greatest curmudgeon, but it's nice to know that you are there to take his place. We need to band together again. I don't care if it takes a decade. Joe Morgan has got to go. He really needs to be fired*.

*For the record, as much as I hate Tim McCarver, I would still rather see Morgan shown the door first. That is how bad I think he is.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Winners Book Review

An Ohio State University head football coach, Gentleman Jim Tressel, is releasing his third book this month titled, "The Winners Manual". Being central Ohio's best and brightest blogger, I was able to score a pre-release copy of this manifesto. It's a pretty interesting read to be honest. Tressel delves into some pretty dark and untold stories surrounding his career rising through the coaching ranks. He discusses everything from his childhood as a bi-partisan football fan all the way up to his current status as one of college football's best coaches. So today, I'm going to give you a small taste of what the book is about. It's a 13 chapter Mein Kampf and I will give you the title and a brief synapsis of each chapter. So without further ado, "The Winners Manual":

1. Rooting For Everyone
--Tressel has been quoted before as saying that when he was a kid growing up in suburban Cleveland, he rooted for both Michigan and Ohio State. No one believes that because it is absolutely absurd.

2. Building A Powerhouse Program At A Small School
--Hey, these athletes aren't going to pay themselves! No kid voluntarily wants to live in Youngstown without a little something on the side.

3. Finding The Perfect Pair Of Tinted Eyeglass Lenses
--What do you get when you need to see but despise those damn, dirty UV rays? Yes, those stylish tinted spectacles that no one under 90 years old wear anymore!

4. Crafting Your Signature Look
--The key to standing out is to be different. The sweater vest has been a staple of homosexual fraternity houses for years. It's not wonder that anOSU alumni and diehard fans love it.

5. Asking Your Brother To Take The Fall
--The key to success is placing blame on others. When the NCAA starts asking questions, always throw blame on those that will least likely come back to bite you in the end.

6. The Highway Robbery In Tempe
--It is still amazing to think about that career-defining night in Arizona. It is also unfathomable to think about how much money was spent paying off those referees and thus alienating Skip Bayless from the program forever...totally worth it.

7. Maurice Clarett: Was It Worth It?
--Had Mo possessed any credibility at all, he would have brought an SMU-style Death Penalty on this program. But nevertheless, Teflon Jim knows how to dodge bullets, baby!

8. Schedule Like A Champion
--The secret to getting to BCS bowl after BCS bowl is to rarely ever go on the road and by scheduling cream puffs at home for the non-conference schedule. Hey, The Ohio's, Youngstown State, and Troy are all coming to The Shoe this year! Yet we try to justify that garbage because we're going out to Southern Cal!

9. Sodomizing Lloyd Carr Into Early Retirement
--Most of the time, people that pick on retards are likely destined for an eternity in Hell. No exception here, it was almost too easy beating a mental midget like Carr every single season.

10. Saying Absolutely Nothing Interesting
--The key to being a local media darling is to grant interviews to anyone and everyone but to also never really say anything with context. Never has Tressel said anything even remotely controversial or interesting with a microphone in front of him.

11. The Pryor Fiasco
--Let's give the NCAA two years before they set up camp in Columbus investigating recruiting sanctions on Terrelle Pryor after he's seen driving down High Street in a Bentley. I still have no idea why a spread offense QB would choose anOSU when he won't be starting right away. Something doesn't add up here...

12. Being Outclassed By The SEC
--The simplest way to achieve greatness as a football coach is to dominate your own conference and then embarrass yourself against teams from a better conference. It helps when the stage is bigger and the entire world is watching. That is how a coach earns his stripes.

13. Lather, Rinse, Repeat
--Be consistent. You just have to keep grinding (much like Eric Wedge). When in doubt, pay kids and distance yourself from that money, schedule like shit, and get owned by the SEC. Seems to work out OK in Columbus, right?

Then, AND ONLY THEN, will you be a winner. The template for success is available (at a small nominal fee). You can have The Winners Manual. Now it's up to you to win.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Re-Casting The Big Brother House

It's time to come clean. Whew. I love Big Brother. I don't really know why, but I do. In my opinion, it is right up there with Survivor and anything with Gordon Ramsay as the best reality show ever. The cast members are always batshit insane. There's backstabbing out the ass. If you watch any of the live-feeds, you get to see some nudity. And there is always at least a few volatile arguments that are hilarious. One thing you can always count on is people telling somebody that they lack integrity and morals...yet the fail to realize that they all signed up for a reality TV show. None of them have integrity. It is a perfect form of Trash TV and I love it.

Anyway, Big Brother 10 starts up on Sunday and I couldn't be happier. Earlier this week, CBS released information regarding this season's houseguests. Oh my, this should be interesting. So, what I've decided to do today is to introduce you to the 13 houseguests, give you two blurbs from their stupid CBS bio's, what reality show stereotype that that person fulfills, and then (sports related) replacing that person with an athlete/celebrity/idiot that could fit their role. Fair enough? Let's get going because these people's stupid bio's are going to provide all the laughs today.

1. Steven CBS says: champion bull rider in the gay rodeo circuit; extremely good at reading people and then manipulating them into doing what he wants them to do
Cliff Notes: Token reality show gay guy that thinks he's smarter than the rest of the room
Celebrity Re-Cast: Joe Buck - he may or may not be gay, but he's definitely the smarmiest guy in whatever room he enters

2. Brian CBS says: worked as an investment banker, an international military recruiter and a snowboarder; a guy's guy that was raised around several tough and feisty Italian women
Cliff Notes: Guy that will be trying to get laid the whole time, will likely embellish his life
Celebrity Re-Cast: Matt Leinart - this is no stretch because I bet he talks more about his USC days than his Arizona days

3. Angie CBS says: a recent divorcee who is happy to be single again, is proud that she was the Guinness-chugging champion for women at Irish Kevin's bar in Key West
Cliff Notes: The scorned woman likely get wasted and do something that ends up on The Soup
Celebrity Re-Cast: Cynthia Rodriguez - come on, recent divorcee on the know she's doing something slutty

4. Libra CBS says: recently gave birth to a medical rarity... 4-month old twins, one black and one white, would love to become a singer but doesn't believe it will ever happen
Cliff Notes: Typical sassy black chick that won't put up with any white nonsense
Celebrity Re-Cast: Kim Etheredge - Who, you ask? T.O.'s former publicist! She's got 500,000 reasons to compete in my version of Big Brother

5. Memphis CBS says: currently works as a "Mixologist," which he insists should not be confused with a bartender; watches "Entourage" on television and listens to Johnny Cash as well as other kinds of music
Cliff Notes: In-house douchebag with an inflated sense of self-worth and doesn't he realize that he sucks at life
Celebrity Re-Cast: Drew Rosenhaus - douchebag, over-confident, and massive Napoleon complex

6. April CBS says: admits to being OCD and can't sleep at night if the bottles in the refrigerator aren't lined up properly, favorite activities are watching sports, grilling outside, bowling and having sex
Cliff Notes: Crazy lady/Whore likely to get in a major profanity-laced argument
Celebrity Re-Cast: Brenda Warner - Kurt's wife has no trouble calling into radio shows and begging them to be nice to her husband...a perfect fit

7. Ollie CBS says: fondly calls his family the "Black Brady Bunch", does not drink, smoke or curse; staying true to the values he was raised with as a child
Cliff Notes: Jesus freak that won't fit in with anybody in the house
Celebrity Re-Cast: Cris Carter - the former WR used to begin and end every interview with a Jesus reference of some sort; God doesn't belong on Reality TV

8. Michelle CBS says: was the only person to jump up at her brother's wedding when the priest asked if there were any objections, most proud of the trophies and medals she won in running competitions
Cliff Notes: Conceited bitch that will be one of the first guests evicted
Celebrity Re-Cast: Candace Parker - it will get pretty old listening to the same old stupid stories about her WNBA dunks and what sex is like with the alien known as Shelden Williams

9. Jerry CBS says: has been a devoted husband to the same woman for 54 years, favorite movie is "The Ten Commandments" and he listens to big band music, rock and roll and Elvis Presley
Cliff Notes: Wise old sage that hangs around until people realize that he's a shoe-in to win if he makes it to the end
Celebrity Re-Cast: Al Davis - you don't go on reality TV without a skeleton or two in your closet, I'm betting that Jerry is crazy which means Al Davis is a fantastic replacement

10. Renny CBS says: claims to have outfits, as well as wigs, for any and all social occasions; enjoys showing off her Elvis, Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe impersonations at parties
Cliff Notes: Annoying chick that tells stale jokes that she only laughs at
Celebrity Re-Cast: Frank Caliendo - guess who else likes to do impressions that aren't funny or relevant anymore???

11. Dan CBS says: doesn't think that America would have been ready for a female president and if Hillary Clinton had won the presidency, he would have moved out of the country; describes vegans as weird tree-huggers and believes that religion is important
Cliff Notes: Right-wing nutjob that alienates himself from the rest of the house on Day 1
Celebrity Re-Cast: Curt Schilling - search his bag good, CBS, because this gun-toting moron is likely packing heat

12. Keesha CBS says: has been featured in Hooters calendars and aspires to become part of the management team; loves "The Golden Girls" on television
Cliff Notes: Eye Candy that will wear nothing but booty shorts and tank tops
Celebrity Re-Cast: Erin Andrews - I like to think that EA enjoys a good Estelle Getty zinger and we need some more sex appeal in the house; you just know the other ladies will despise her due to her hotness

13. Jessie CBS says: proudest accomplishment is being the youngest national professional body builder; he also eats Hamburger Helper
Cliff Notes: Enormous meathead that will threaten someone at some point
Celebrity Re-Cast: The Undertaker - someone has to scare some sense into these people and I would lose it if someone tried to bitch at him and he rolled his eyes into the back of his head

Seriously, who wouldn't watch this show? Even if you hate reality TV, this show is gold! To recap, my ideal sports-centric houseguest list features:
Joe Buck
Matt Leinart
Cynthia Rodriguez
T.O.'s former publicist
Drew Rosenhaus
Brenda Warner
Cris Carter
Candace Parker
Al Davis
Frank Caliendo
Curt Schilling
Erin Andrews
The Undertaker

Wow. And if that doesn't do it for you, how about the sexiness of host, Julie Chen? So have a good weekend, everybody, and remember to turn it to CBS on Sunday night for some fantastic trainwreck TV.