Monday, June 30, 2008

The Cavaliers Wanted Vinsanity

I know exactly what you're thinking because I thought the same thing, "Wait a minute, what? They wanted who?" Yep, I'm not really sure how close this deal was to going down on draft night, but the Cavaliers were on the phone with the Nets about bringing Vince Carter to Cleveland. Wow. That would have been...ummmmm....interesting. From the Plain Dealer:

As they were putting some of the finishing touches on the Richard Jefferson-Yi Jianlian deal, the Nets received a call from the Cleveland Cavaliers, who offered them Wally Szczerbiak and his expiring, $13.2 million salary for Vince Carter. According to two Eastern Conference executives, who asked for anonymity so as not to spill Rod Thorn's secrets (editor's note: are these like the super secret workouts that the Heat had for Mayo and Bayless eventhough everyone knew that they went down making them not a secret at all?), the Nets considered it.

Now we don't know how much they considered it or if they considered it at all, but it still warrants mention that the Cavs felt that VC might be the missing piece and tried to pull off a trade that would have sent shockwaves around the league.

My first thought when reading about this was "ugh". Carter is a prima donna ball hog that has been a me-first player since entering the league. If he came to Cleveland, he would be asked to play second fiddle obviously and he's never shown the ability to defer roles in his entire career. He can still score and is a decent defender, but would he poison the Cavs locker room? Would he put his ego ahead of winning a title like he has in the past? Would he play like shit on purpose to force another trade? That's what you worry about whenever you think about Vince Carter: is he in it to win it or just to look good and whatever the outcome is, than so be it.

After thinking about it a bit, my next thought "hmmmmmmm"? Could this work? Could LeBron, Ferry, Gilbert, and Coach Mike make VC realize that his playing days as a superstar are coming to a close and this may be his last shot at a winner? You know, give him the old Jake Taylor speech. Vince is still a knockdown shooter with a low post game. He's going to have to learn a new role to stay in the league someday. You would think that he wouldn't want to go through the current rebuilding in Jersey and would want to play with a winner while he's still in his prime (although he's at the very last straw of it).

My final thought about this proposed deal was "eh". I'm glad that it didn't go down. Right now, the Cavs have plenty of assets and can afford to wait a bit before making a splash trade that will (hopefully) shift the balance of power in the East. They passed on getting in the Jermaine O'Neal and now the VC sweepstakes...patience is a virtue. When you have 27 million in expiring contracts, there is no need to throw them all away at the first opportunity. Wait for a Gasol-ian like deal to come around from some God awful GM (Kevin McHale) and then make it happen.

And seriously, Cleveland fans, I realize how desperate you are for ANY of your teams to win a title, but do you really want Vince freaking Carter to be the guy who helped bring it here? The guy has less fans than Stephon Marbury! He can't even go into Toronto without armed guards. But I do think that this story shows that the Cavs brass is trying. Whether LeBron James stays or goes in two years, you still need to do what is best for your team. Trading for Vince Carter...not a bright move.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Shaun Suisham Uses "The Boot"

How can you not love the Redskins? Whether it be Chris Cooley's fantastic blog, Clinton Portis and his wacky characters, and now Shaun Suisham (Bowling Green alum) booting 110 yard field goals, this team is clearly going to win the Super Bowl this year.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' C.C.

Three years ago, it was Aaron Small. Then there was the rejuvenation of Shawn Chacon. Last year, it was Joba-Mania and the other young arms coming to prominence. It's almost as if every year some no-namer or has-been comes to the Yankees, pitches their asses off, and helps lead the team to the playoffs. This season, it appeared that Darrell "D-Razz" Rasner would be that guy. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen since he kind of sucks and whatnot. Could this year's pitching savior for the Yankees possibly be Sidney Ponson??? After pitching a shut-out against the Mets on Friday night, it's a possibility.

Fuck it, let's not be naive. At some point in the next month, Sir Sidney will get into a clubhouse brawl with Kyle Farnsworth or something and he'll get released again. I can dream though...

Friday, June 27, 2008

Could've Been Worse

I might as well say it: J.J. Hickson = Championship!!! (I know nothing about this guy but his last name isn't KOUFOS so I'm cool with it)

I put in a lot of work for you fools this week so I'm just going to do a hit and run today. A handful of notes from last night's NBA Draft...

***I was fully prepared to shoot myself in the face once Danny Ferry drafted Kosta Koufos. Fortunately, Ferry isn't THAT retarded. Enjoy Utah, ya Greek fuck.
***I think that Pat Riley was just putting us on about not taking Beasley...seems like something that that douche would do.

***Personally, I think that OJ Mayo will end up being a superstar and by far the best player in this draft. So it makes a ton of sense for an idiot like Kevin McHale to trade him for another undersized PF, a streaky shooter, and Brian fucking Cardinal. McHale has got to be the most ridiculous GM of all time. It really says something when the guy that traded Pau Gasol for a rusty trombone works you over.

***Knicks fans are priceless. You knew Dario Franchitti or Fran Fraschilla or whoever the hell they drafted was going to get boo'ed.

***Stuart Scott is so awkward in the booth. How many "jokes" did he attempt last night that no one laughed at? 20?

***Michael Jordan has no idea what he's doing. The one thing that the Bobcats didn't need was a guard yet he passes up on the best center in the draft to take a backup. Idiot. And then he solves their issues at center by taking some French prick that won't even see the USA for at least 3 years.

***Jason Thompson seemed like a bit of a reach, no? Nah, in Reggie Theus I trust.

***Larry Bird is finally making some solid front office decisions! And after acquiring Josh McRoberts from Portland, the Pacers can throw out a lineup of Travis Diener, Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, McRoberts, and Jeff Foster. That might be the worst lineup in NBA history...and they're all nerdy white guys!

***Cavs fans need to be afraid. The Nets dumping Uncle Tom Jefferson on the Bucks makes them even more of a player, if that was even possible, in the Bron Bron sweepstakes in 2010. Now I'm starting to get nervous. Although Chris Mannix from SI said that it doesn't matter, The King isn't going anywhere.

***Good for Darrell Arthur! He waits all that time and gets drafted by the best young team in the league. The Blazers are going to have Bayless, Roy, Outlaw/Webster/Arthur, Aldridge, and UPDATE, he was traded a second time last night, now he heads to Memphis to enjoy some delicious dry ribs.

***Jeff Van Gundy's voice is more grating to me than Gilbert Gottfried's. Jay Bilas made up the term "second jumpability". Atta boy, Jay.

***In the second round, I was screaming at my TV, "Ferry, give up a second rounder next year and take CDR or Bill Walker!" Instead, the Wizards draft Walker then turn around and dump this steal off on the Celtics for fuckin' money??? How do you explain that to your fanbase? They got a lottery-level talent in the second round but traded him to the champs for a suitcase of 100's. DeShawn Stevenson still sucks, too.

***It really doesn't make a ton of sense to keep Michael Redd in Milwaukee now, does it? You trade for Jefferson and draft Alexander to be starters, right? Time to move him. May I suggest Cleveland??? You may have this wonderful Wally Szczerbiak and delectable Eric Snow in return.

That's it, I'm done. Back Monday and blacker than ever.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Hollywood NBA Lottery Mock Draft

With the NBA Draft being held tonight, The Money Shot has decided to hold our own Mock Draft. Except we're only doing the teams in the lottery. And it's comprised entirely of people that aren't real. That's right, a Mock Lottery Draft featuring some of Hollywood's finest.

There were only two rules regarding this draft: 1.)No White Shadow players and 2.)Nobody that actually played in the NBA which excludes Jesus Shuttlesworth and the entire crapfest known as Space Jam. Each draftee will feature a pro, a con, and a classic Jay Bilas descriptor (always hilarious) after their name is called. If only these guys really were in the NBA. What would be the NBA odds on them winning titles. Let's begin, the Chicago Bulls are on the clock:

1. The Chicago Bulls select Scott Parker (Teen Wolf)
The Kirk Hinrich experiment is officially over as the Bulls grab the best point guard in the Draft. He has a tendency to be selfish but we all want to see him steal the ball from Larry Hughes when he's dribbling up the court, right?
Pro: big time athlete and scorer, mean streak, is friends with Stiles
Con: could have problems on Full Moon nights, has a tendency to show up as himself in big games, the smell of sweaty wolf hair
Bilas: Quick speed

2. The Miami Heat select Lewis Scott (Celtic Pride)
Pat Riley wants another scorer, Scott has proven his greatness by winning a title with the fake team known as the Utah Jazz. If he can defeat Dan Aykroyd, Daniel Stern, and all Celtics fans, you know that this guy is special.
Pro: dynamite shooter, knows the Wayans Brothers, excellent at negotiating during a hostage situation
Con: was in Celtic Pride, ball hog, probably really short
Bilas: Tremendous vision

3. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Elliot Richards (Bedazzled)
Kevin McHale finally gets Al Jefferson some more beef in the post and now feature the best frontline in hoops. The tattoos make him a bonafide future NBA all-star.
Pro: arsenal of low post moves, fearless, a white Shaq
Con: self-conscious about his tiny genitals, sweats a lot, is in fact Brendan Fraser (I do NOT recommend watching this movie at all)
Bilas: Country strong

4. The Seattle Sonics select Calvin Cambridge (Like Mike)
The Sonics wanted Teen Wolf, but Cambridge is a solid PG as well that will look to push the tempo with Kevin Durant and Jeff Green.
Pro: has magical shoes that make him Jordan-esque, extremely quick, has beaten top competition
Con: he's like 10 years old, would be pretty worthless if someone stole his shoes, is Bow Wow
Bilas: Supreme shiftiness

5. The Memphis Grizzlies select Mark Cooper (Hangin' With Mr. Cooper)
The Grizzlies want to find a replacement for Pau Gasol, Cooper fits that need to a T. An excellent post presence that will make all 8 Grizzlies fans happy.
Pro: wide body, good rebounder, lives with Rodney Peete's wife who may or may not still be hot/married to Rodney Peete
Con: old, quit hoops for awhile to be a teacher (I think), was a staple of TGIF for awhile
Bilas: A real space eater down low

6. The New York Knicks select Buddy (Air Bud)
Let's face it, no matter who Donnie Walsh takes, Knicks fans are going to hate the pick. So why not throw them a curveball and take a cute golden retriever with a solid reputation? Can you picture how confused the Knicks fans would be when David Stern is shaking hands with a dog tonight? Priceless!
Pro: very fast, apparently can dunk, a good and loving teammate
Con: constantly drooling, bad jump shot, color blind
Bilas: Extreme lateral quickness

7. The Los Angeles Clippers select Julie Connor (Hang Time)
With the Clippers not knowing if Shaun Livingston will ever be the same again, it's time get a PG. Eventhough she is a woman, Connor played for great basketball minds like Reggie Theus and Dick Butkus so you know the skills are there and that she is very coachable. The court is a lot bigger in the NBA than it was at Deering High though.
Pro: solid ball handler, unselfish, knows Anthony Anderson
Con: strength, can be sassy, PMS
Bilas: Excellent vagina

8. The Milwaukee Bucks select Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers)
The Bucks were crossing their fingers that this all-world small forward would drop to them and their wish came true. Wow, spreading the court with Redd and Chitwood should scare a lot of people.
Pro: cold-blooded shooter, hard worker, played for Gene Hackman
Con: silent but somewhat of an egomaniac, oily combover, may have hung out in Shooter's shack in the woods
Bilas: Tremendous upside

9. The Charlotte Bobcats select Chip Douglas (The Cable Guy)
Larry Brown has good perimeter players. What he really needs is a little toughness and solid defensive presence down low. Douglas fits that bill in spades. The guy hammers the boards like a rabid dog.
Pro: tenacious, breaks backboards which should boost attendance, hates Jack Black
Con: holds up games to stretch his hammy's, multiple personalities, poor jump shooter
Bilas: Mister Floor Burn

10. The New Jersey Nets select Karl Malone (The Man Show/Karl Malone Workout Video)
The Nets have a solid backcourt but have lacked that back to the basket post player that they have always needed. This version of Karl Malone should fill that role nicely if he's anything like that other Karl Malone.
Pro: incredibly physical, probably drives an 18 wheeler, can run the pick and roll with Devin Harris
Con: not nearly as tall as the original, deadbeat dad, blackface Jimmy Kimmel
Bilas: Big Motor

11. The Indiana Pacers select Coach J (State Farm commercial)
The Pacers have had image problems and have alienated themselves from their fans over the past few years. It's time to get back to basics and bring in a solid citizen dedicated to improving his teammates everyday.
Pro: an intangibles guy, will volunteer to lead calisthenics, will definitely lead team in flops as a rookie
Con: looks like a fat Kurt Rambis/Dwight Schrute combo, awful ball handler, will spend timeouts trying to sell you on the benefits of State Farm
Bilas: Fundamentally sound

12. The Sacramento Kings select Jimmy (Seinfeld episode)
Jimmy is more of a combo guard but the Kings will ask him to play point. He can handle it, he has been strength training for years now. His personality can be grating at times, but he's got to be easier to deal with than Ron Artest.
Pro: crazy hops, strong work ethic, knows "The Velvet Fog" Mel Torme
Con: recovering from severe leg injury, questionable competition, refers to himself in the third person
Bilas: Incredible length for his height

13. The Portland Trailblazers select Zack Morris (Saved By The Bell)
The Blazers don't really have any pressing needs so they take the best player available. Eventhough Morris is coming off an injury which occurred more than a decade ago, Kevin Pritchard is confident that he found a solid backup to Roy and Jack.
Pro: popular with the ladies, selfless, was the best player on Bayside
Con: allowed Dennis Haskins to injure him, never played college hoops, was on the God awful show, John From Cincinnati
Bilas: Unlimited Potential

14. The Golden State Warriors select Coop Cooper (Baseketball)
There aren't any solid athletic big men left that justify being taken this high, so Nellie decides to go with the long range bomber. Cooper has proven that he can lead a team to a title with a supreme all-around game
Pro: creative, not afraid to use Steve Perry's name to his advantage, can knock down shots from anywhere on the court
Con: cares too much about child labor laws, has likely contracted hepatitis from Yasmine Bleeth, really ugly shooting stroke
Bilas: Unbelievable range

There you have it. If tonight's Draft is half as good as this mock, then we are in for a real treat. The reason that this one is better is, obviously, due to the lack of Stephen A. Smith here. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did researching this over the past few days. If Jay Bilas was breaking down this blog, he would likely say that it is "a solid all-around blog that has a tendency to lack focus and composure". Couldn't agree more, Jay.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "This post is just fodder, tomorrow might be my most anticipated post of all time" Edition.

***Yeah, I think I'll pass when it comes to knowing how your ass tastes - By now, we all know and have heard Shaq's freestyle rap where he absolutely crushes Kobe. It was funny. We all got a chuckle. But the fact that the big man is saying that he was "just joking around" is truly a testament to how dumb Shaq thinks we are. Come on, only liars use that excuse. Not to get all Jemele Hill on you all, but it's like Hitler writing Mein Kampf and then saying he was just joking about wanting to exterminate the Jews. Maybe that was a poor example...oh well, I'm too lazy to delete it. But what really is the saddest part of this story is that it reminded me of the time that my car was broken into the dirty thieves made off with my Shaq Diesel CD. Sonsabitches. And now the police chief in Phoenix or wherever Shaq fakes being a cop wants him to turn his badge. Don't fret though, big man, put on a few more pounds and they'll make you a lieutenant.

***He's one Darth Vader sodomy away from being in the Raiders Hall of Fame - This whole Javon Walker being left for dead in Vegas story is just bizarre. We find out last week that he was found unconscious in the streets. Then we hear that he was caught on a casino camera getting into a car by his own volition. And now we hear that the two guys he was hanging out with that night beat the shit out of him and robbed him. You would think that Walker would know how to fight considering his new employer and the city that they play in. Hmmm, maybe athletes should just stay away from Vegas altogether. Well, maybe they can go up there every once in awhile to take money from Charles Barkley. And I think that that is the only city that produces the fabric for Al Davis's clothing. Speaking of the Raiders, is Lane Kiffin still their coach?

***Clearly, the Devil Rat hates very large black men and any white guys - The US Olympic hoops team was unveiled this week. There weren't any real surprises. Some people don't think 'Melo should be there. Same thing with Tayshaun. People wish we had another big seeing that three likely isn't enough. Honestly, it shouldn't matter. This team should roll through the tournament and capture the gold. It will be interesting to see how Kobe defers now that he has an insane collection of talent around him. I'll let you insert your own rape joke, it's interactive day! The only issue I have is with the inclusion of Jason Kidd. With Paul and Deron in the fold as well, why the hell was he included??? He has more pressing needs stateside anyway. I mean, his bitches aren't just going to beat themselves.

***That sound you just heard was the last shred of NHL love leaving ESPN - I'm not a hockey fan, though I do respect the sport, but one thing I always did enjoy was Barry Melrose breaking down highlights on SportsCenter. Those days are over. The mullet is headed to Tampa to coach some team apparently called the Lightning. That's a damn shame, too. When the Jackets win the Cup next year, I was hoping that Barry would be the one to fawn all over them on the ESPN set. But maybe it's for the best. He went to the one NHL market, central Florida, where his hairstyle is still "in". And they better name the street that leads to whatever that arena is called, Melrose Place.

***I don't want to jinx it, but I think the buttplug is done - Knock on wood here but it appears that, (take a deep breath), CURT SCHILLING IS NEVER GOING TO PITCH AGAIN! Hell freaking yes. Guys, you've listened to me bitch about him for years now so I don't want to beat a dead horse again. Unless that horse's name is Curt Schilling in which case, hand me a fucking hose so I can beat it until my arm gets tired. Now all these writers are pontificating about whether he is a Hall of Famer or not. Let me make this easy for you: no. His numbers aren't that great, he's a wide load, he skull-fucks parrots, and he writes like a fucking infant. Oh, where was I again...ummm, just say no to drugs, kids.

***Speaking of hating black people, how could we forget this guy - I'm surprised that this is news considering that nobody listens to the guy anymore. Don Imus is back in the limelight for dropping another racist bomb. This time toward "Adam" Jones pretty much saying that it's no surprise that he's always in trouble because of the color of his skin. This is just one of the many cases for why old people shouldn't be allowed to talk...or drive...or eat in public...or have sex. Did Imus not fully understand all the shit that he had to go through with the Cuntgers basketball team? Either this guy is just incredibly fucking senile or he just doesn't care and hates all minorities. Whichever it is, a live microphone should probably be the last thing put in front of his face in the morning. A nice big bowl of grits with a side of watermelon would be quite a comeuppance.

***Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks - Man, what sad news about George Carlin's death. Very few comics could make me laugh as loud as Carlin has. When you think about it, his act was pretty much the same routine that blogs do daily: discussing the absurdity of random life occurences. My favorite Carlin sketch was "People I Can Do Without". I typed it out a few years ago and here it is. That bit will always make me laugh. But you know the worst part of this? Carlin and Richard Pryor have died recently while Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia continue to destroy the art of stand-up every night. My God, they suck. Should've been those two...

Well, there you have it. You are definitely going to want to check in's going to be good. I promise. And when was the last time I have lied to you???

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Middle Finger: College Athlete Apologists

It's time for another one of GMoney's classic rants that seem to come way out of left field. I know that you all have been waiting patiently for another one of these and, trust me, I'm going to go nuts today. You see, I've got a problem with some people out there. In my spare time, I post on a message board dedicated to Miami University's mediocre athletic program. And recently, I've been outed as an asshole and a douche. While these descriptions may be accurate, I still feel slighted because I am NOT wrong here. About a month ago, it was revealed that the starting PG from the past two seasons for my beloved RedHawks was going to transfer. Alex Moosmann was pissed, I think, because his playing time diminished this season even though he was terrible which lead to issues with the coaching staff. I called him a quitter. Hell, he didn't want to transfer after we won the MAC and went to the Dance two years ago, but now that things weren't going his way, it was time to bail. Fuck that. I'm not going to wish him the best of luck after turning his back on our school. Of course, I was ostracized and called names...blah, blah, blah. I can handle it. I'm fucking awesome.

This week's Middle Finger goes the sexually confused group of people that are apologists for college athletes.

I know, I get it, college athletes are not professionals. I will not argue that. But they aren't kids either. They play for multi-million dollar "companies" and get to live a lifestyle that many of us dream of. At the D-1 level, these guys are campus celebrities. So don't give me this shit that they are kids. With the exception of the compensation, these are professional athletes.

Anyway, the big news here in central Ohio this week is that Buckeyes back-up QB and cop solicitor, Antonio Henton, is leaving OSU and will join some D-2 school to waste away the rest of his time as a college athlete. I always figured that players came to OSU to compete at the highest level, not leave when the going got a little tough. Yeah, we all know that Terrelle Pryor is in town now and he is likely to be the future of the program. But he isn't going to start from day one. And the current starter pretty much sucks horse balls. So why not stick around and try to WIN the starting job as opposed to going somewhere smaller and have it handed to you? It's just cowardly. Henton could have went to Georgia Southern two years ago but he chose to go to the big time. It hasn't worked out the way he thought so it's time quit, I guess. Well, Antonio, I've got two words for you:

Troy. Smith. A few years back, remember, Justin Zwick was supposed to be the big gun behind center. But we all know what Smith did, he outworked Zwick, kicked ass, won a Heisman, and turned that into a pro career. It has happened before...right in front of you actually. But, nah, you'd rather take the easy way out.

I'm not saying that it is never OK for a college athlete transfer though. Sometimes things need to change things up. Ryan Perrilloux needed a fresh start. Neil Reed probably made the right call to leave after being choked by Bobby Knight. Randy Moss probably should have never went to any school. Things happen, I get it. But playing time should never be a reason behind a move. YOU CHOSE TO GO THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! You control your playing time by how hard you work and your knowledge of the system. You can't blame playing time because you didn't put in the effort and suck because of that. Not living up to expectations is nobody else's fault but your own. Getting pulled because you average 2 points and 1 assist per game AS A STARTING PG, Moosmann, is nobody's fault but your own. Trying to pay a cop $19 for a BJ and being a worse option than the Todd Boeckman Statue of Doom is your fault.

And shame on the media and boosters for wishing these guys well wherever they end up. I'm not sitting here wishing them bad luck, don't get me wrong, but once they leave your program to play for someone else...fuck 'em. The going got a little tough and they quit. They took the easy route. They turned their backs on their teammates, coaches, and fanbases for the benefit of their own egos. They couldn't handle a little bit of adversity so they spit in the faces of everyone that supported them for years. It's disgusting. And it's not just Henton and Moosmann*, eventhough I'm singling them out here, either. This goes to all the athletes that piss and moan because life isn't as easy as it was in high school. Fuck you. Grow up.

I can't believe I'm going to say this again, but all players thinking about bailing early should just look at Troy Smith. You can't say it enough, he was never thought to be the QB of the future when he came to Columbus. It was supposed to be Zwick. But he didn't let that shit bother him, he busted his ass.

So quit coddling these guys, ya homers! Once they leave, I recommend that you forget about them as quickly as they have already forgotten about you. They aren't part of your programs anymore. So let them toil away in their own private 2,000 seat arenas and let them deal with the fact that they threw a great opportunity away because people stopped sucking their dicks.

Enjoy your Middle Finger this week, Baby Athletes and the people that defend them. I'm sure that you can use it to wipe the tears from your eyes when someone yells at you. Damn, when did America and it's young people officially turn into pussies?

(*I am being somewhat hypocritical here. Next year, when Wisconsin transfer RB, Quincy Landingham, begins his quest to break Touchdown Travis Prentice's records, I will be cheering him on the entire time. This post will be completely forgotten and wiped from the record when the RedHawks win the BCS due to the unstoppable duo of Belton and The Q.)

Monday, June 23, 2008

The 2008 Jeff Conine All-Stars

I know what you're thinking: "Why in the hell are we talking about Jeff Conine"? That is an extremely fair question. I mean, not even the Conine family talks about Jeff Conine anymore. But recently, especially after seeing the Padres play last week, I've noticed an influx of old, crappy players coming back to the bigs and shocking fans everywhere with their ability to still be alive. So I've researched every major league roster and have come up with a 25 man roster of players that I'm sure most of you had no idea were still being paid to play baseball. For the past 5-6 years, I've never failed to ask the question, "why is Jeff Conine still playing"? He is the poster boy of this team, but he is not alone. Let's get started unveiling the 2008 Jeff Conine All-Stars.

Let me preface this by saying that the manager of this fine squad is none other than Cito Gaston! Recently, Gaston has taken time off from the Danny Glover lookalike circuit (I'm gettin' too old for this shit!) to come back to baseball, so we're recognizing him with this distinct honor as well.

Granted their unconditional release (they didn't make the team) - Daryle Ward, Gabe Kapler, Mark Sweeney, and Mike Sweeney

C: Michael Barrett, Sal Fasano - Barrett was an all-star I think and now he's hitting less than most pitchers with the Padres. Fasano is known for being the first mustachioed plumber/catcher in baseball history.

1B: Tony Clark, Chris Shelton - Clark hasn't been decent since the 90's and features a wide variety of gray hair these days. Big Red Shelton couldn't even produce for the Mud Hens yet he's good enough for the Rangers...sounds about right.

2B: Ray Durham, Damion Easley - This team could easily be the Durham All-Stars, seeing how I have never understood why he is still an everyday player let alone making 7.5 mill this year. Easley will always be known as my college roommate's least favorite Tiger ever. This same roommate was also the proud owner of a Dean Palmer jersey though.

SS: Jolbert Cabrera, Chris Gomez - Cabrera is best known for getting shot in the ass as a member of the Tribe and recently resurfaced with the Reds at the ripe age of 35. Chris Gomez fucking does he keep getting work?

3B: Aaron Boone, Russell Branyan - At least Boone will always be remembered for his homer in 2003 but I did not know until today that he was still playing. Branyan is garbage but apparently better than Bill Hall.

OF: Luis Gonzalez, Fernando Tatis, Jody Gerut - Gonzo is a shell of a man that most of us thought retired 3 seasons ago. Tatis is the proud owner of the biggest ears in the game as well as numerous steroid implications. Gerut has been cut by some of the worst teams in baseball yet is the leadoff hitter for San Diego (have you noticed all the Padres on this team?).

SP: Chan Ho Park, Mike Hampton, Shawn Estes, Scott Elarton, Casey Fossum - Park and Hampton are still alive eventhough they should have been jailed for highway robbery. Estes couldn't get me out. Elarton and Fossum should be pitching in whatever league is lower than the one that Dontrelle Willis is at.

RP: Danys Baez, Kent Mercker, Darren Oliver, Randy Choate, Alan Embree, Arthur Rhodes - This will make you puke, Baez is making over 6 mill this season. I swear that Mercker died 8 years ago. Oliver is a left-handed Oil Can Boyd. I liked Choate when he was with the Yankees but I was surprised to see him still around...but he pitches on a team that employs Eric Gagne so it makes sense. Embree is a sack of shit. I've discussed in the past why I hate Arthur Rhodes who I think just celebrated his 83rd birthday.

Closer: Eddie Guardado - When the hell did "Everyday" come back anyway??? Lardo is an excellent choice to close games for this team.

I hope that helped. Now you all know what kind of crappy players are still making jack while you sit in your cubicle with your pants off. But as bad as this team appears to be, I'd still take them over the Mariners...and I'm sure that they could outscore the Indians.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Ending This Quasi-Week Off In Style

A couple of topics I'd like to hit on before I leave work early to head back to Napoleon for RibFest/River Bandits alumni game this weekend...

So the Yankees have re-signed Sir Sindey Ponson again...ugh. You know, I was all excited about the team now that they are on a winning streak and playing really well but this...this just sucks. I realize that he was actually pitching pretty well this season and the Rangers only released him because he was an asshole, but come on, Cashman! This is not what the team needs now. Ponson's first trip in the Bronx was just awful and he was cut after something like 3 starts. The pitching staff isn't that bad where Sid would be considered an upgrade, is it? This should also tell Indians fans that the Yanks trading for CC probably isn't going to happen. Cashman would rather keep digging in the scrap heap of crappy arms before trading prospects. I still think that Freddy Garcia would be a decent stopgap if he's healthy. And how the hell did Sidney Ponson get knighted anyway? What does it take to get knighted by whichever country owns Aruba anyway? Could a sexy blogger like me get knighted? I think that my blog is much more of an accomplishment than Ponson's MLB career. Ah, but I lack the cut-off black t-shirts that must have pushed Ponson over the top. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the Yankees are awesome and you know damn well that they are going to make the playoffs. Look at me, I went that entire rant without saying "we" or "us" while discussing my boys. I'm a terrific writer. Just for that, I'm going to get obliterated this weekend Northwest Ohio-style (that means you get drunk and run naked backwards through one of our many area cornfields).

I've been saying this to anyone that would listen to me over the past week: that could have easily been LeBron and the Cavaliers celebrating on Tuesday night. Damn. There are two teams that should feel jilted and angered about what happened in the NBA Finals, the Spurs and the Cavs. Had Ginobili been healthy, they run through the Lakers and the Celtics. Had the Cavs caught a break or two in Boston, there is no doubt in my mind that they beat the Pistons and Lakers. No doubt. No matter what you tell me, there is no doubt in my mind that the Cavs win the title. But that's all wishful thinking and me playing "coulda shoulda woulda". Back to the clincher, I am proud to say that I have not seen one piece of footage of the Celtics celebrating or any interview or a parade or anything. Obviously, I hate the city of Boston more than terrorism and low-fat mayo but something happened Tuesday night that angered up my blood like a Springfield sasparilla. Did you all see Paul fucking Pierce dump a mini jug of Gatorade on Doc Rivers? What the fuck was that? First of all, there was still 30 seconds left in the game. Secondly, this isn't football. Third, YOU DON'T PLAY ON GRASS, you fucking pin cushion for cutlery (get it, people like to place their knives inside of him!). I admit that as soon Red and I saw that I walked out of the bar before seeing the celebration. How long did it take to clean that mess up anyway? There was red Gatorade everywhere. Why would any man with any semblance of common sense do that? That is such a Boston thing to do when it comes down to it. You know, you do it not caring about the consequences or the effect that it might have on others, you just do something because you want to. Fuck you, Paul Pierce, I hope you were watching Tiger Woods this past weekend. That is how a grown man deals with an injury. Fuck it, Pierce is getting an impromptu Middle Finger this week. I hate him so much. I hope you blow out your knee in preseason next year...for real this time.

OK, I feel better. Much better than I will tomorrow when I have to step into a batter's box for the first time in 8 years. Wish me luck, my goal is to not strike out or get a sun burn. At least I know that I won't have to face another former Bandit alum, Chad Billingsley, he'll be too busy punching out Jhonny Peralta. See you all on Monday, I've actually brainstormed some pretty good future topics during my semi week off. And wish me luck for being stuck in a car with former commenter and present sperm dumpster, Damman, as well.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Memoirs of a Road Trip

I'm back. I still have all of my original body parts. I am exhausted due to not sleeping for more than an hour at a time over the past 36 hours. Basically, all I want to due is go into hibernation. Well, that and blog about the journey. Yes, Red and I did hammer through 6 states in an 18 hour window on no sleep while boozing, eating everything in sight that you can't get in Ohio, and taking in a baseball game. Let's get this show going as I could doze off at any time.

This tale begins Tuesday morning at 6:15 am when the two of us head to the airport...Red immediately ordered a Bloody Mary. I realized that this was going to be a longer day than I even thought.

We had a connecting flight in Detroit. I head to the john to bake some brownies and when I come back Red tells me that, get this, DIKEMBE MUTOMBO just walked by. In my opinion, there is no fucking way that Dikembe is in the Detroit airport, by himself mind you, on a Tuesday morning. But who knows, he could have been wagging his finger in the faces of some TSA's.

Good story of assholism here...We were two of the last people on the plane (Why do people go crazy when they announce that you can board? Why not just wait until the line thins down?) and we head to our seats. The stewardess and Red can take it from here:
Stewardess: Sir, would you mind switching seats? This family was split up and would like to sit together.
Red: No. I would rather not.
I think I started laughing immediately at the expression on the stewardess's face. Fantastic.

The older lady that's sitting next to me asks, "Are you from Philadelphia?" My response was no obviously. And that was it. There was no follow-up question, nothing. Bizarre.

So we get into Philly around noon. I get my rental car and we head to find the cheesesteak places. Surprisingly, they were pretty easy to get to. We hit up Pat's and, my God, they are just as good as the reputation that proceeds. Jesus, that was a great fucking sandwich. We're full and could have used a food coma nap but fuck it, we've got a game to get to.

The drive to NYC begins. Amazingly, it wasn't that difficult to handle the smell of failure from New Jersey or the GW Bridge. We drive by the new stadium (which looks incredible), find a place to park (on the street in a Bronx neighborhood!), and are inside Yankee Tavern by 4.

The two of us are hitting the $6 beers pretty hard while listening to the constant chatter about Willie Randolph's firing (apparently, that is a pretty big deal in New York). We manage to get seats at the bar and I strike a pretty hilarious conversation with a drunken Canadian next to me. He's an older guy, told me stories about meeting Mickey Mantle, and also mentioned that he would throw all of the Arabs in jail. I was surprised that he didn't dump maple syrup on me and try to eat my soft, supple flesh. Anyway, we tell him and his friends that we're from Columbus and then he mentions he's a Browns fan and we start arguing about me not being one myself. I hate this argument because I will always believe that geography should not hamstring you into who you should root for. But, we had some good conversation's nonetheless.
Drunk Canuck: You ever been to Mickey's restaurant (I have by the way)? As soon as we flew in this morning, we went there right away. I drank 9 beers there. Did you know that Mick is still alive? He's living with Elvis inside the Betty Ford Center.
Me: That makes sense.

We started talking hockey with these canucks and they asked a really good question that I do not know the answer to. Why are the Blue Jackets named the Blue Jackets? I have no idea. They thought that maybe it had to do with the Union's uniforms in the Civil War but weren't sure. Any help?

While I'm schmoozing the hosers, Red is hamming it up with the bartenders. New York accents are hilarious.
Bartender #1: I don't give a fuck, I'm not turning that basketball game on tonight. Those fucks come in here, order one soda, and complain about why their team lost all night. We don't make any money off those fuckin' cocksuckers.
Some idiot tried to order a couple of fruity drinks that Bartender #2 told him that he wasn't going to make. Eventually, said idiot asked for a Sex on the Beach. #2's reply, "Sure thing, you fuckin' quee-uh." Priceless.

My sister was giving me shit for not enjoying any New York pastrami yet so Red and I split a sandwich like a couple of gay guys. Like usual, it was fantastic. I was shocked. I did not think that I would see more than 5-6 Padres fans but there were a few hundred. Well done, Padre fans.

We head into the Stadium. Our seats were in the first row of the RF Bleachers. Awesome seats. We got to hear the fans do the "role call". I got to see A-Rod hit a freaking bomb. I got to see Giambino hit two out while the scoreboard read "THE POWER OF THE STACHE". I got to hear some New Yorker yell "you're a hard-on" at Brian Giles. I got to see Tony Clark play! I'm sure that we were on TV a couple of times, we were on the JumboTron during some replays of a few gap shots. It wasn't a very exciting game, but I'm glad I got to see a win. Oh, had a hot dog with spicy fucking ketchup, ya quee-uh's.

After the game, we head back to a bar to watch the NBA game. Red stops at a street vendor and buys a $10 "Anybody But Farnsworth" t-shirt. Priceless. I refrained from buying one because I support K-Farn!

We end up watching the game at the Tavern and there were surprisingly a few Celtics fans there. I'm not sure if they were fans of the team or just hated Kobe, but I was not expecting to see that. That game sucked by the way. Bill Simmons can go fuck himself. We walked back to our car, at midnight in The Bronx, and honestly I did not once feel in danger at all. Some might say that that was because I was drunk but contraire. I hadn't had anything since 6 because the RF bleachers have an alochol ban on them. I'm sure that bad things happen in that area but I have a feeling that they are exaggerated.

It's midnight, our flight back home leaves Philly at 6:15 am. It's time to head back. No problems getting into Jersey except for the dead bodies that line the Jersey Turnpike. So, I'm driving through that shithole state and not really seeing anything telling me when to turn off to head to Philly. I keep driving. Red falls asleep. I keep driving. We're starting to run out of exits and I'm not sure if my surroundings look familiar or not. All of a sudden, yep, we're in Delaware. I drove the entire god damn length of New Cesspool. Fortunately, when we stopped and asked where the fuck we were, we were only 20 miles south of the airport.

So I extended the driving an extra hour, who cares? Fuck New Jersey for not having clear road signs. Now I hate that state even more. We got back to Detroit but no Dikembe sightings yesterday. Back in Columbus at 10 am. It was a wild 24 hour+ period and I am paying for it today. I really need some more sleep.

But I wouldn't have done anything differently. It was a great trip and an amazing break from the usual monotony of life. Red's already trying to talk me into coming back next summer for a game at the new Stadium. We'll see, right now I need some sleep.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Heading To My Mecca

I'm making my last pilgrimage to Yankee Stadium today!!! I'll break it down for you on Thursday since I'm sure everything will not go as planned. So, with that being said, I'm off to watch some crazy Padres vs. Yankees action. It's Randy Wolf! It's Andy Pettitte! It's the greatest franchise in the history of sports! It's a rematch of the 1998 World Series! It's cheesesteaks and pastrami! It's the constant fear of being knifed! It's next.
If I don't get murdered walking the mean streets of The Bronx after the game, I'll be back on Thursday as I mentioned earlier. If I am brutally slain for the 12 bucks that I will likely have in my wallet, my last request is that someone paralyze Curt Schilling. Drew or Damman, I'm leaving that up to you guys. Thanks in advance!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Yes, Eh, Yes

OK, The Money Shot is going to be a little light on content this week. I'm only working 2.5 days this week, deal with it. It's the summer, people take time off to recharge their batteries. Anyway, you are going to get your posts but they will be shorter so you may need to liven things up in the comments. Either way, suck my balls.

YES! - I admit that from Friday to Sunday, I watched somewhere between 16 to 18 hours of the US Open. Why? Because it was fucking phemonenal, that's why. Whether you believe that Tiger is really injured is a moot point...he proved this weekend why he is the number 1 draw in sports. Wow. The clutch putts that he sunk all weekend were just breathtaking. And I've got to give some love to Rocco Mediate as well. As a big Tiger fan, I tried to hate the guy...I really did. But it is impossible. Mediate rules. How can you not love a guy who hams it up with the crowd, appreciates and embraces the moment, and has a gigantic ass? I don't know how the playoff will end today but either way, that was one great tournament. It's a fucking shame that I am stuck at work and can't watch it either. Damn me and my need for money.

EH? - Little E won his first race since 19-dickety-2 yesterday!!! We had this race on the medium screen, I admit it. I couldn't believe that apparent douchebag and guy that lives about 25 houses away from my parents, Sam Hornish, Jr, was in second with a handful of laps to go. He's terrible and has Dylan McKay sideburns! I was rooting against him though...fuck that guy. Anyway, I should have done some research on this and gambled on it. Little E had not won in 76 races. Big Dale won 76 races in his career. And it was freaking Father's Day! I should have known all of this and made my millions. It's a good story though and this blog congratulates Little E for ending his sucktitude.

YES? - Ah yes, the fixed league. Game 5 of the NBA Finals was last night and while the Lakers did everything that they could to choke again, Kevin Garnett's hands were just a little too tight around his own neck. So we go back to Boston now where the Celtics will wrap it up Tuesday night. Clearly, they are the far superior team in this series. It isn't even close. It was extremely nice to get a Chris Mihm sighting last night! The best part about this is that I will be watching the second half of this game on Tuesday night at the heart of Boston hatred...and I can't wait.

Back tomorrow...briefly.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Rapist Vs. Worse Than A Rapist

***Disclaimer: I wrote this piece before game 4 last night. Or as I like to call it, "the worst single game choke in the history of sports". Nice job, Lakers and especially Kobe. You just lost a title because you couldn't guard Eddie fucking House or James fucking Posey. This hurts even more knowing that the Cavs could have beaten these green pricks. Dammit. Nice job losing to Doc Rivers. At least this article is more anti-Schilling than it is pro-rape. Fuck this. I hate Boston so much.

My old nemesis is at it again. This story is a few days old now but I've needed time to digest it anyway. Curt Schilling (pictured copping a feel on a toddler) has "written" about Kobe Bryant and his sketchy behavior on the court during game 2 in Boston. First of all, let's get one thing straight, Curt Schilling is NOT a blogger. He may have his own blog, which I will never link to, but that doesn't make him one of us. Much like Mark Cuban who also writes to the masses, and I can't say this enough, Schilling is not like me. They are not like "us". A blogger pours their heart and soul into their sites hoping that maybe, just maybe, people will read their material. Most of us aren't compensated and those that are aren't hanging out with strippers 24/7 or whatever millionaires do. When you make millions upon millions of dollars, you aren't in our class anymore. So let's just stop the insanity of calling Wide Load a blogger.

I have made it known many times in the past regarding how much comtempt I hold toward Schilling. I'm not going to get back into it either. He's a loudmouth. He's a drama queen. He's a baby. He's not a hall of famer. He sometimes shows up here in the comments section to be my foil. And when it comes to his remarks about Kobe Bryant, he's out of his league, too. His words:

“He’d yell at someone, make a point, or send a message, turn and walk away, and more than once the person on the other end would roll eyes or give a ‘whatever dude’ look.”

Curt is right about one thing, Kobe isn't a good teammate at all. He's not breaking any news. The problem is that he tries to sweep his claims under the rug by saying that that was just his opinion from sitting courtside. First of all, I bet he hadn't watched the Lakers play more than 3 games all season. Secondly, eventhough you say aren't trying to, you DID roll Kobe under the bus. And it is completely unnecessary. Exactly what is the point of crossing sports and calling out the "best player in the league"? That's like me going only to the French Open final, watch Roger Federer lose again, and write a long post about how this Federer guy freaking sucks. He couldn't even beat some skateboarding pansy from Spain!

Curt, we've had this talk before. Please shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're talking about. How you become an expert at judging basketball player facial expressions and meanings as a pitcher is something that I will likely never understand. Don't you have some socks to spill ketchup on anyway? (Side note, I am not a Steelers fan but I love me some Big Ben. One horrible night I was flipping through the channels and saw Schilling talking to Chris Rose on Best Damn. Except Dough Boy was wearing a Big Ben broke my heart. I was devastated.)

In conclusion, when Kobe was told that he was called out by a 400 pound pitcher for being a bad teammate, his reply to the media was: "Go Yankees!" I couldn't agree more, Kobe Bean. Although I probably would have added, "and I hope that a nuclear bomb goes off in downtown Boston ridding us of the worst people on the planet."

We'll be back Monday, I'm still not certain about how next week is going to work out...stay tuned, I'll keep you posted. Curt Schilling is a bag of rusty dicks.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Helping Out Chris Berman

I know, I know, let me explain. The title of today's post has to have you questioning your faith in me. But it shouldn't. I'm here to help. From the beginning, this blog has always maintained a stance of helping out when they are needed. So today, I reach my hand out to Chris Berman (pictured, unfortunately not being eaten by a real shark).

The talentless drunk is in San Diego this weekend hamming it up on ESPN's coverage of The US Open at Torrey Pines. And you know what that means...hours and hours of overused and retarded nicknames!!! I'm looking at you David "Ground Control To Major" Toms. So today, GMoney (3rd person reference!) is doing Berman's work for him. Yes, I'm dishing out nicknames to some of the golfers in the field. I don't mind giving random people weird nicknames anyway but now that I can do it in the guise of Mr. Back Back Back, well, I'm excited. Let's begin:

D.A. POINTS out the pie stains on my jacket
JASON BOHN Thugs N Harmony...See you at the Crossroads
TIGER I banged that fat biker chick in the WOODS
STEVE I'd like to wear his FLESCH
Kentucky Bourbon RICH BEEM
MICHAEL mmm mmm good CAMPBELL (shout out to the hometown!)
JESPER the friendly ghost PARNEVIK
Trick or treat BOO WEEKLEY (I think he could actually use this one)
Cleopatra and Marc ANTHONY KIM
JORDAN plays with little boy's COX
TRAVIS BERTONI Basil...Hey Mickey!
Do you want to touch my PETER TOMASULO
DEREK Chris Berman is incredibly FATHAUER
JUSTIN HICKS only enjoy auto racing

BRAD BRYANT Heating and Cooling Doug McLean Show (ah, the old 1460 Wednesday afternoon radio staple)
Payne STUART still makes me laugh APPLEBY
PAT PEREZ Hilton sucks balls
MATT left me put it in your KUCHAR
ERIC AXLEY bodyspray
BEN CRANE collapse in New York City
YOHANN the butler BENSON (Robert Guillaume joke!)
JARROD LYLE the retarded guy that hangs out at the Henry County Fair (see you in Hell)
ROB RASHELL down by the seashore
STEWART everything and the kitchen CINK
You're with me, TREVOR IMMELMANN
MIKE WEIR (I just realized that if you say his name fast, you say "My Queer")
RETIEF the sweet, sweet taste of Grey GOOSEN
AARON Men Behaving BADDELEY (remember that show? Rob Schneider? Anyone?)
ANGEL don't you dare call him Ryan CABRERA
BUBBA elementary my dear WATSON
BRETT when she's passed out, who cares if she's not WETTERICH
ROSS don't call me Amy FISHER
BRANDT JOBE Bluth the illusionist
JASON GORE invented the internet
SEAN O'HAIR international airport
LUKE you're fired DONALD
JUSTIN Cracklin' ROSE you're a store bought woman
ERNIE ELSinore (yep, a Strange Brew reference, you hoser)
ANDREW bend you over the DRESSER
and eventhough he isn't entered, DAVID doo-wa diddy diddy dum diddy DUVAL

Well, there you go. Let me know your favorite or one that I should have used. Who knows, maybe you'll pick a better Bermanism (not likely). They obviously aren't perfect...or even funny for that matter. But these are Chris Berman nicknames and he hasn't been funny since Desert Storm. For the record, I'm picking the field over Tiger and Phil.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "I need your help, which place in Philly has the better cheesesteak: Pat's or Geno's...more on why I need to know this coming" Edition.

***In cases of an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, please begin singing "Viva Cy-agra" - This is what happens when you file a defamation countersuit, Roger. It's been leaked that Clemens used to stash V in his locker. Ha! How funny is that? While this isn't illegal at all, it still is embarrassing. Not only was he nailing any white trash broad ages 14 to 60, he needed a booster shot to pull it off as well! This saga just keeps getting better and better. I said it awhile back and it still remains true today: NOTHING that comes out about Roger Clemens would surprise me anymore. And this just shows that the Rocket not only injected shit into his own ass, he also injected some unnatural shit into Mindy McCready's ass as well. Terrific.

***He's going to need to get his pilot's license to complete the trifecta - Oh, Cedric Benson, I love you. Coming off his stellar career with the Bears and alleged boating under the influence charge, old Ced got picked up for drunk driving this past weekend. And how was he rewarded? With a swift kick out the door at Soldier Field. There is no doubt that a gigantic party is still raging over at Bill Swersky's house. Finally, this bust is gone. But it makes you wonder, what happens next for Benson? I'm thinking something along the lines of a contract with the Raiders and photographed sodomy of the Raiders fan that dresses up like Darth Vader. It seems like the next logical step in Ced's life at this point.

***Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf (or Chris Jackson to the Christians) has to be pissed - What the hell is going on in the NBA right now (not related to the Finals or shady officiating)? It appears that all of these teams with coaching vacancies are hiring weird guys from the 90's that were nothing more than role players. The Bucks hire Scott Skiles. The Suns hire Terry Porter. The Bulls hire Vinny Del Negro. The Pistons hire Michael Curry even though he has only been a coach for one year. Where's Gary Grant's job? Or Dennis Scott? Or Randy Brown? Or even Reggie Lewis or Bobby Phills...whoops. The real mind boggler is that two of Flip Saunders' disciples are now head coaches. And that makes me feel good because you can write off the Pistons and Suns before the season even begins.

***He would have never come close had he visited the Springfield Mystery Spot - I was kind of pissed Monday night after Ken Griffey, Jr. jacked his 600th home run. No, I don't hate Junior. It's just that I was pulling into our driveway right when it happened. I freaking missed it. And now we hear how great this is and how Kenneth did it all the right way and blah blah blah. Well, do we actually have proof that he did it on his own? Can we rule out that he ever tried anything to boost his performance? I mean, the guy did get injured a lot...isn't that a sign that maybe something isn't right? Fair or not, this is the steroid era for baseball and people are always going to be skeptical. But I congratulate Griff nonetheless. It took a real trooper to battle back from that brain tonic overdose he suffered years ago as a member of the Springfield Zephyrs.

***You could say that he's pretty stupid and just doesn't get it - Terrell Owens is just a bizarre individual. Why in the bloody Hell would anyone skip a mandatory drug test? Well, TO did and he doesn't really care. Now the NFL is going to up the ante on Terrell's random tests as a punishment. So he better take it easy on swallowing his nightly bottle of aspirin and Roger Clemens pills. But the NFL doesn't have to worry much about their testers. They surely keep a fleet of doctors in Dallas to test all of those losers on "America's Team". I think that they all stay over at Nate Newton's house. Terrell knows what he's doing though, I have no doubt. After all, he now has 36 million reasons to live.

***Ummm, this is no surprise to me - Breaking news out of the NBA that Tim Donaghy has unleashed a "bombshell" regarding shady officiating. Jack's cousin leaked it to the Feds that the 2002 Western Conference Finals were not on the up and up and that refs were discouraged from throwing out superstars due to ticket sales and ratings. OK, isn't this what we all thought about the NBA anyway? So the poor Kings got screwed to keep the Lakers in the fucking hoo. No one wanted to watch a SacTown/Philly finals anyway. The NBA is fixed. I don't need Tim Donaghy to tell me that. One thing that I do need an explanation on though is why the Spurs won a fixed league four times in the last decade??? That makes no sense and almost killed the league more than Mr. Belding killed Bayside's hopes and dreams in the state Finals.

***That ass surely helps, but Chuck and Larry is well worth the watch anyway - I've got a couple of recommendations in the world of entertainment for you today. First of all, watch I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I wasn't expecting much at all but it was hilarious. If you are immature and enjoy a good queer joke, this is right up your alley. And who doesn't love Nick Swardson (Terry the roller skater from Reno 911) anyway? And considering that Zohan movie looked about as bad as The Marine, this may be the last funny project that Sandler is a part of. Secondly, I watch The Mole. It's a perfectly acceptable reality show, I don't care what you think. Anyway, there is this guy on there that may be the biggest pussy in the world. He refuses to run at all and actually made some chick haul him around in a freaking wheelbarrow this week. I've seen vaginas with bigger balls than this guy. God I hate that guy, he should just go by "Bitch" on the show. Finally, Jessica Biel's ass...that is all.

Alright, enough is enough for today. We'll be back tomorrow to talk some US Open before the major tees off. I may try to include some comedy and/or self-depracating humor...I have yet to decide.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Middle Finger: Michael Strahan

Hell yes. I've been waiting a long time for this day. You know the day that I'm talking about, too. The day when some guy (pictured being...himself?) that has no idea who you are, but you yourself hate him with a passion, retires from the spotlight. But to be honest, I'm surprised with the lack of national attention that this story is getting. You would think that a media-saavy douchebag like this would have a Favre-ian level of well wishes and tributes. But it hasn't been like that at all. In fact, it's like no one cares. Hell, even Peter King has yet to release a 6000 word fellation yet. But Peter knows (at least I hope the Bobpussy knows) that no one wants to read that trash anyway. The moral of the story is that I will never have to watch this shithead try and stand out from his teammates and be the epitomy of a glory hog again. The defensive version of Tiki Barber is leaving us for good. Goodbye, dickhead.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the "retiring while on top even though he wasn't much of an impact player anymore" ass of Michael Strahan.

Don't get me wrong, my hatred for The Black Gap is deeply entrenched because of my love of the Redskins. This is completely biased but that being said, I still don't know how anyone can like this guy. It got really old watching him drag down our crappy quarterbacks 3-4 times a year during our futile attempts to develop any sort of offensive system. Could I have done without the dumbass muscle flexing after a sack? Of course, but all defensive players act like morons after making plays that they are paid to make (see: Seau, Junior). And his sack record is a freaking joke, too. He needed Brett Favre to lay down for him to break a record that was set by Britnee Gastineau's steroid-ridden father. And since Favre and Mikey will likely get into Canton together in 5 years, I think it would be fitting for Brett to take another dive during Strahan's speech to remind us all of that amazing "sack". But that kind of thing happens in the NFL...I've come to understand and live with that. No, it's the other shit off the field that drives me freaking nuts about Strahan.

For one thing, Mikey never met an interview that he wouldn't take. Hell, I could start a podcast today if I had any idea how to do that, make one call, and Strahan would talk to me for over an hour just so he could hear himself speak. That is my big issue. It didn't matter who asked the questions or or whether he had an answer for them or not, Michael Strahan was going to get on TV. I mean, come on, no one really wants to talk to Chris Rose (pictured, hey, look, Backstreet's back, alright!) unless they have a hidden agenda. It's almost as if he used his football career to help launch a media career (ala what Jason Taylor is doing now). While there isn't necessarily anything inherently wrong with doing that, it's still incredibly transparent and even Jon-Benet Ramsey can see right through it. Strahan's weekly in-season interviews with either Pam Oliver or Boomer Esiason or Chris Berman's bloated liver sicken me. No matter how good or bad the Giants were, a Michael Strahan interview was coming your way every Sunday.

While we're sure to be getting a ton of Strahan video packages and sack montages and Super Bowl highlights even though he was like the 5th best defensive lineman on the Giants this year, I feel like I owe it to you to show some behind the scenes shit on this Dentist's Worst Nightmare. Yes, a collection of links that illustrate the skeletons in Strahan's closet besides his fondness for talking shit about his teammates (Tiki) or not showing up for training camp last year or running smack about his head coach and not being punished. Nope, we've got personal stuff.

When in doubt, why not just pick up Eddie Murphy's sloppy seconds? That's a can't-miss!
Yeah, he put himself up for auction only to find out that the winning bid came from two guys. Who wants a mustache ride???
Why not write a book where you compare playing football to some weird, mutilating act of perversion?
This genius is the proud owner of signing the worst pre-nup in the history of the world.
And let's not forget about the sex tape with Michael and Subway Jared gang-raping Tony Romo...may or may not have happened yet.

So go ahead and take the Sears Tower from between your front two teeth and allow this Middle Finger to be your floss for the week. You've earned it, jerk. But I have to admit, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of my NFL-loving shoulders. Now I will never have to see you again--wait a minute, he's probably going to join the FOX studio team and offer no insight at all while arguing about the best way to cook crawfish with Terry Bradshaw. Shit. Insert Darth Vader-style "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" after the Emporer tells him that he killed Natalie Portman.

What do we have to get rid of this guy for good? This was supposed to be one of the best days of the year for me and now when you realize that he's going to be around every week, it kind of puts a damper on my celebration. So how can we end the Strahan Show??? I know! Just make him watch Ron Jaworski break down film for 20 seconds and he'll kill himself. After all, Jaws' voice is the #1 cause of death in this country, right?

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Emmitt Smith: Professional Narrator

It's graduation time for many college seniors throughout the country. I still remember mine to this very hungover that I could barely move while trying to find out if our guest speaker was actually Andy Rooney or Mickey "Fall Out Boy" Rooney. Jiminy Jillikers that was some good times. But not all of us had crappy guest speakers. Hell, this year Wesleyan College in Connecticut had Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama, speak to them. Below, I have included the first half of the transcript of his speech. The only difference is that I asked former NFL running back and current ESPN English language destroyer, Emmitt Smith, to rewrite and present Obama's speech with his own spin to it. Emmitt's version of the speech follows:

Thank you, President Roth, for dat generousness introduction, and congratumalations on your first year at the helmet of Wesleyan. Congratumalations also to da class of 2008, and thanks you for allowing me to be a part of your graduation.

I have the extinct honor today of pinch-hitting for one of my personalized heroes and a hero to dis country, Senator Eddie Kennedy. Teddy wanted to be here very much, but as ya'll know, he’s had a very long week and is taking some much-needed restamasis. He axed me up a few days ago and I said that I’d be happy to be his stand-in, even if there was no way I could fulfill his shoes.

I did, however, get the chance to glaze at the speech he planned on delivery today, and I’d like to start by passing along a massage from hims: “To all dose praying for my return to good healthy, I offer my heartfelted thanks. And to any who’d rather have a differential result, I say, don’t get ya'll hopes up just yet!”

So we know dat Ted Kennedy’s legendarial sense of humorification is as strong as ever, and I have no doubt that his equality legendarial fighting spiritual will carry him through dis latest challenge. He is our friend, he is our Super Bo’ champion, and we hope and pray for his return to good health.

The topic of his speech today was common for a commencementarianism, but one that nobody could concuss with more authority or perspiration than Ted Kennedizzle. And that is the topic of cervix to one’s country – a cause that is anonymous with his family’s name and deir legacy.

I was birfed the year that his brother John called a generation of Americans to ask deir country what dey could do. And I came of age at a time when dey did it. Dey were the Peace Corpse volunteers who won a generation of goodwill toward America at a time when America’s ideals were challenged. Dey were the teenagers and college students, not much older than you, who watched the Civil Rights Movement unfold on deir television sets; who saw da dogs and da fire hoses and da footageness of marchers beaten within an inch or deir lives; who knew it was probably smarter and safer to stay at home, but still decided to take dose Freedom Rides down souf – who still decided to march. And because dey did, dey changed da world.

I bring dis up because today, you are about to enter a world that makes it easy to get caught up in the notions that dere are actually two different stories at work in our lives.

The first is da story of our everyday cares and concerns – da responsibilitivities we have to our jobs and our families – the bustlery and busynessness of what happens in our own life. And da second is da story of what happens in da life of our country – of what happens in da wider world. It’s da story you see when you catch a eclipse of da day’s headlines or turn on da news at night – a story of big challenges like war and recess; hunger and climax change; injuns and inequality. It’s a story dat can sometimes seem crazy and separate from our own – a addestiny to be shaped by forces beyond our contro'.

And yet, da history of this nation tells us dis ain’t so. It tells us dat we are a people whose destiny has never been wroten for us, but by us – by generations of mens and womens, younguns and old folks, who have always beliefed that deir story and da American story are not separate, but shared. And for more than two centuries, dey have severed dis country in ways dat have forever enrichified both.

I say dis to you as someone who couldn’t be standing here today if not for da cervix of others like my offensive lineman, and wouldn’t be standing here today if not for da purpose that cervix gave my own life.

You see, I spent much of my childhood adriff. My pops left my moms and I when I was two. When my moms remarried, I lived in Indonesia for a time, but was mostly raised in Hawaii by her and my grandp’s from Kansas. My teenage years were filled with more than da usual dose of rebel yell, and I’ll admittance dat I didn’t always take myself or my studies very seriously. I realize dat none of you can prolly relate to dis, but dere were many times when I wasn’t sure where I was going, or what I would do.

But during my first two years of college, perhaps because da values my moms had teached me – hard work, honesty, empathizingly – had weesurfaced after a long hibernationary; or perhaps because of da example of wonderful teachers and lasting friends, I began to notice a world beyond myself. I became active in da movement to oppose the apartheidmanship regime of South Antarctica. I began following da debates in dis country about poverty and health cars. So dat by da time I gradumated from college, I was possessed with a crazy idea – dat I would work at a grassroots level to bring about change.

I wrote letters to every organ in da country I could think of. And one day, a small group of churches on da Souf Side of Chicago offered me a job to come work as a community orgasmizer in neighborhoods dat had been devastaterated by steel plant closings. My mother and grandparents wanted me to go to law skoo’. My friends were applying to jobs on Wall Street. Meanwhile, dis organization offered me $12,000 a year plus $2,000 for an ol’, beat-up car.

And I said hells yes, bitch.

Now, I didn’t know a soul in Chicago, and I wasn’t sure what dis community organizing bidness was all about. I had always been inspired by stories of da Civil Whites Movement and JFK’s call to service, but when I got to da Souf Side, dere were no marches, and no soaring speeches. In da shadow of an empty steel plant, dere were just a lot of folks who were struggling. And we didn’t get very far at first.

I still remember one of da very first meetins’ we put together to discuss gang violence with a group of community leaders. We waited and waited for people to show up, and finally, a group of older folks walked into the hall. And dey sat down. And a little old lady raised her hand and asked, “Is dis where da bingo game is?”

It wasn’t easy, but eventuallity, we made progress. Day by day, block by block, we brought the community together, and registered new voters, and set up after skoo' programs, and foughted for new jobs, and helped people live lives with some measurementation of indignity.

But I also began to realize dat I wasn’t just helping other peeps. Through service, I found a community that embraciated me; citizenship dat was meaningful; da direction I’d been seekin’. Through service, I discovered how my own improbablity story fit into da larger story of America.

Each of you will have da chance to make your own discovery channel in da years to come. And I say “chance” because you won’t have to take it. There’s no community service requirementiary in da real world; no one forcing you to care. You can take your diplomacy, walk off dis stagecoach, and chase only after the big house and the nice suits and the ESPN analyst job and all the other things that our money culture says you should by. You can choose to narrowesce your concerns and live your life in a way dat tries to keep your story separate from America’s.

But I hope you don’t. Not because you have an obligationess to dose who are less fortunate, though you do have dat obligationess. Not because ya'll have a debt to all those who helped you get here, though you do have dat debt. Cash money, bitch.

It’s because you have an obligation to yourself. Because our individual salvation army depends on collective salvation army. Because thinking only about yo'self, fulfilling your immediateful wants and needs, betrays a poverty of ambitionproclivity. Because it’s only when you hitch your big wheel to something larger than yourself dat you realize your true potential and discover the role you’ll play in writing the next great chapter in America’s story. No matter how it ends, I will never read it anyway.

'Dere are so many ways to serve and so much need at dis defining moment in our history. Ya'll don’t have to be a community organizer or do something crazy like run for President or set the ESPN record for most butchered teleprompter scripts. Right here at Wesleyan, many of you have already volunteered at local schools, contributed to United Way, and even started a program dat brings fresh produce to needy families in da area. One hundred and sixty-four graduates of dis school have joined da Peace Corpse since 2001, and I’m especially proud dat two of you are about to leave for my pop’s homeland of Kenyatta Walker to bring alternative sources of energy to impoverishfulness areas.

I axe you to seek dese opportunities when you leave here, because da future of dis country – your future – depends on it. At a time when our security and moral standing depend on winning hearts and minds in da forgotten corners of dis world, we need more of you to serve abroad. As President, I intend to grow da Foreign Service, double da Peace Corpse over da next few years, and engagificate da young people of other nations in similar programs, so dat we work side by side to take on the common challenges that confront all humanary.

As Jim Valvano once said, “Don’t quit. Don’t even quit.”

Oh, we won’t Emmitt…we won’t. Next up, Emmitt reads War and Peace for us!!!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

GMoney's List: Basketball

In case you are new here, I'm quite the pessimist. "I hate more than I love" for you idiots out there that don't understand big words. Anyway, we're going to be doing a sporadic mini-series here where I list the people that I hate. Novel idea, huh? Well, fuck you, start your own blog that rules.

This is going to be an awful lot like Schindler's List except that it won't be nearly as funny and have much more gratuitous dick shots. We already went through my list of dispiccable baseball players. Today, I run off my list of basketball players that I loathe (Disclaimer, my Cavaliers bias is going to show here, deal with it. It's not like I'm watching them in the Finals this year so let me have my fun). It's a pretty extensive list even after I trimmed away the guys that I just dislike. Yes, I hate this many (48--just like the number of minutes in a regulation NBA game!) NBA players. I'm reserving myself to only one sentence per player to describe why I hate them. Because honestly, I could write a book on why I despise these guys. Let's get this started (in no particular order)...

Drew Gooden - I hated him even as a Cav, the dumbest player in the league.

James Posey - Hey dick, get a single-colored mouthpiece and quit playing dirty.

Paul Davis - I just hated this guy when he was at Sparty, he looks like a penis.


The Collins Twins - These sacks of twin shit make about 8 million a year and do nothing.

Josh Childress - Get a haircut, jerk, The White Shadow last aired over 25 years ago.

Dwyane Wade - He needed a wheelchair for a separated shoulder which still ranks #1 on the list of my all-time favorite NBA injuries!!!

Matt Carroll - White guy from Notre Dame...he isn't the last one on this list.

Ricky Davis - Mr. "Triple Double" might be the biggest loser in NBA history.

Jason Williams - If he was black like he thinks he is, he would be the worst black player in league history.

Larry Hughes - This marksman has never made a shot...I don't want to get started with my Larry hate.

Charlie Villanueva - They are called eyebrows, look into them.

Vince Carter - If you purposely suck to force a trade, you're kind of a teabagger.

Aaron Gray - What a stiff, he sucked at Pitt and he's going to suck at bagging groceries at Giant Eagle in 5 years, too.

Mark Madsen - How in the hell has this guy stayed in the league so long???

Tyrus Thomas - He's just a thug, he is going to be the new Rasheed of the league before too long.

Antoine Walker - Mr. Shoulder Shimmy will always be in the top 5 of least favorite people ever.

Andres Nocioni - Pussy ass bitch that doesn't get the credit he deserves for being a giant flopping machine.

Richard Jefferson - If I was black, I would call this douche an Uncle Tom (I'm white and I still call him that anyway).

Jerry Stackhouse - I don't know why, I guess I just hate his weird shaped head and deep knee bend on free throws.

Josh Boone - If there was one guy that looks like he should be in WNBA, it's this dyke.

Eduardo Najera - A Mexican with parted hair...fuck him.

Nate Robinson - Way too temperamental, I watched the Knicks at The Q a few years back and Nate took the first 9 shots of the game for was crazy.

Rasheed Wallace - Just your classic ball juggler who has not found a coach yet that he wouldn't quit on.

Troy Murphy - Just a faggot, in college I found his AOL screen name (TrainsND3) and would always IM him with "You suck" or a "You're gay" and he would RESPOND...I'm very mature.

Rip Hamilton - Hey jerk, you haven't broken your nose in like 5 years, take the fucking mask off already.

Hedo Turkoglu - I don't care how good his season was, this ugly fuck is not good.

Lindsey Hunter - I've shit out better talent than Hunter.

Pat Garrity - How is this dork still playing when he has no redeeming basketball skills at all?

Austin Croshere - If you're white and you like to show your prominent bald spot, you make this list anyday.

JJ Redick - This is based on his Duke days since he never even dresses anymore.

Steve Francis - Good job wasting all that talent with a piss-poor attitude, nut gobbler.

Eric Piatkowski - I used to be a big Clippers fan (seriously) back in the day and there was no one that I hated more than this former South Dakota Celebrity of the Year...I HATE Piatkowski.

Jeff Foster - What a tool...and he's a freaking starter in the league, GO PACERS!

Josh McRoberts/Shavlik Randolph - A Duke big white stiff special...where's Eric Meek to complete the trifecta?

Mikki Moore - Maybe he should have decapitated Sasha Pavlovic in the playoffs last year when he had the chance...

Carlos Boozer - Not only does he lie and rob blind guys, he also likes to devour babies.

Brent Barry - Just quit already, you lanky fuckstick.

Bruce Bowen - Maybe if he played dirty against people on this list I would enjoy his work a bit more.

Donyell Marshall - Even though I have his cell phone number and have left him drunk voicemails before, he can blow me.

Tony Parker - Get a jersey that fits, ya baguette-eating nancy boy.

Rasho Nesterovic - This inanimate carbon rod made around 7-8 million this year...and here I am as an unpaid blogger watching my ass get fatter.

Manu Ginobili - Come on, do I need to even say anything about Manu?

Matt Harpring - He looks like a guy that would try to block your shot during shoot arounds.

Fabricio Oberto - Oh, so you're an enforcer now...not buying it with that hair ring that you sport.

Brendan Haywood - 7 feet of pure goat shit.

Gilbert Arenas - I don't care if everyone else loves him and he's an entertaining blogger, the guy is as selfish as it gets and is overrated.

DeShawn Stevenson - Poor DeShawn...I'm going to enjoy watching him serve me a hangover breakfast at Denny's in a few short years.

Whew, as you can see, I hate white guys and foreigners. I'm a reverse racist. I'm fine with that. Poop smells.