Friday, November 30, 2007

Turning Our Focus Back To The Field

I'm not breaking any news here when I say that it's been a long, tough week for everybody at Redskins Park. When you lose a player so talented, loved, and respected; it's going to weigh on everybody's mind. But the fact of the matter remains that there is still a job to do and come Sunday, the Skins have to take the field and focus on the task at hand. Like it or not.

It's been a frustrating season in DC. At 5-6, this team has given away games to the Packers, Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, and Bucs. Yes, GIVEN away those games. I'm not saying that they should be 10-1 right now, but they should be at least 7-4. But with all the turnovers and inconsistent play, the Redskins are right in the thick of the NFC playoff hunt and need to finish strong to get that 6 seed. The next 6 days will be a big indicator on whether or not we should be thinking about a first round trip up to Seattle or who will be available in the draft.

Let's address the giant elephant in the room. You can't replace Sean Taylor. The best they can do is hope that Pierson Prioleau and Reed Doughty (who blows) can just keep their heads above water. Luckily, and this team could use some luck right now, of the remaining 5 games, only the Cowboys have a decent enough passing game to exploit this and come week 17, they may be resting everyone anyway. The Bills, Bears, Vikings, and Giants don't have the QB's to do a ton of damage in the ravaged secondary. Thank goodness.

The offense just has to continue to grow up with Jason Campbell. He's had his ups and downs this year but has shown that when Joe Gibbs takes the training wheels off, he's got a great arm and can make smart decisions. Portis and Betts have got to get it going to open up the passing lanes though. Recently, the running game has sucked and the fumbles have made the Redskins a pass-only offense which is obviously not where they want to be. But I'm confident that as long as they can score 21 points, the defense is good enough to make that hold.

I'm thinking that they will have to get to 9-7 to make the playoffs. That would mean closing out 4-1 for those who are challenged in the math department. This team could go either way at this point. Some could argue that the team will rally around the memory of Sean, close strong, and make the playoffs in his honor. But I wouldn't be upset if they went 0-5 down the stretch either. It's just such an odd situation and an emotional drain on everybody. You can't really expect the focus to be 100% on the field. If anything, I think the Redskins get a free pass for the rest of the season. They are playing with house money, let's just hope they can get it together and win out.

So what do I think will happen? I'm an optomist when it comes to the Skins. I think they close 4-1 (lose in NY) and make the playoffs. Why? Here is why. Wednesday, Sean's dad flew up to Virginia and addressed the team (and this gets me all sorts of fired up again)

“When Mr. Taylor stood up and said, ‘Go win this next five and make it to the playoffs,’ ” team chaplain Brett Fuller said, “you felt a surge in the room that he almost gave his permission to play well.” “He was great,” Redskins Coach Joe Gibbs said of Pedro Taylor. “I don’t think I could have that kind of courage.”

Wow. The man obviously has a ton on his mind right now and still came up to tell the team that everything was going to be OK and that the best way to overcome these hard times is to get out there, play hard, and win. I'm sold.

It's going to be an emotional scene at FedEx Field on Sunday. I'm kind of glad it isn't on tv here as I would likely start bawling. But that being said, it IS time to start thinking about football again in DC. It will be a nice release from all of the recent heartache. Now I'm not naive enough to think that winning a football game will make up for the loss of a friend and teammate, but I think will help.

As a moron once said (I think it was Bill Parcells), "Winning is a deodorant. It covers up things that stink." Well, nothing smells good out at Redskins Park this week and won't for awhile, but a win can cover some of it up. I believe they will.

Hail to the Redskins.

---On a side note, Ol' G$ is making the road trip down to Louisville tomorrow to watch my Redhawks battle Pitino. I couldn't be more excited. Dad and I are both making our first voyage to Freedom Hall.
---Miami has Central Michigan in the MAC Championship game tomorrow morning. CMU is giving only 4 points, JUMP ON THAT. CMU 45, Miami 9. Who knows though, maybe Daniel Raudabaugh forgets that he sucks. I also like Mizzou to beat OU.

Have a good weekend and remember that even though most of you hate me and my views, it's OK to be a Redskins fan this weekend.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Middle Finger: Tyler Hansbrough

As most of you know, I love me some college basketball. Every game is important as teams constantly have to build their resumes for March and try to avoid the embarrassing defeats that would cripple their chances to make The Dance. And what makes hoops so great is that anyone can beat anyone on any given night (see Gardner-Webb). Which is why basketball is better than college football...there are no gimme's.

That being said, after my Redhawks executed a fantastic choke job at home last night to lose to Dayton at the buzzer in a game in which they were up 18-2, 30-9, and up 8 with a minute left, I settled in to watch the second half of the North Carolina/Ohio State game in the ACC/Sun Belt challenge. Carolina is a very good team but also features one of the most objectionable players of recent memory.

And that is why this week's Middle Finger goes to Carolina Center and awkward buffoon, Tyler Hansbrough.

To all those Duke haters out there that have loathed the Laettner's, Redick's, Wojo's, and McRoberts's over the years, the biggest douche of all time plays just down the road in Chapel Hill. Look at him! With those bug eyes, clumsiness, and Dick Vitale-gushing, how can anyone not wearing Carolina Blue like this kid?

I have absolutely no respect for Hansbrough's game. None. ANY 6'10" big man with a shred of athletic ability can pour out double doubles. It isn't hard to tip in missed shots or grab rebounds off of missed free throws when you have the size. The fact of the matter is that Hansbrough misses a ton of free throws himself and has NO low post moves to speak of. None. Ohio State freshman (potential) stud, Kosta Koufos plays absoultely no defense yet held Hansbrough to something along the lines of a 5-39 shooting night.

Before you hammer me for all this criticism, let me explain something using my expertise. Hansbrough does a good job of clearing space and posting up. But when he receives the entry pass and has only one man between himself and the rim, that is when it gets interesting. You know what he is going to do every single time the ball goes down to him on the block. He holds it for a second or two so his teammates clear the area, takes a dribble or six, picks up his dribble, bends over so that anyone can swipe at the ball and the double team can occur, and then wildly throws up a 3-4 footer and prays that it doesn't break the backboard. EVERY TIME. It's almost painful to watch. He plays like a 6 footer when he bends down like that. It is really poor fundamentals and I can't believe that no one has taught him differently. Did you ever see Oden or Horford or even a stiff like Spencer Hawes do something like that? No. Because they are good post players. George Mikan must be rolling in his grave right now (Note, I don't know if George Mikan is dead, he probably is, but he has one hell of a drill named after him).

You may be a very objectionable basketball player, but I can respect you if you have a big motor (a Jay Bilas reference!) and play hard every night. Which Hansbrough does. I can enjoy his intensity. But all the glowing praise forced on me about how he is such a dominant player is ludicrous. Whenever he plays against someone that can match his size or strength, he is almost always outplayed. And let's not forget that he is the worst at making the one-foot putback shot in history. Do you remember the final game scene in Baseketball where Coop misses the home run yet the Dallas Felons attempt at the rebound-double play putback shots seemed like they were shot out of a cannon and nearly broke the backboard? That is who taught Hansbrough how to make putbacks. Steve Perry!

I would love to see Hansbrough and Zydrunas Ilgauskus fight it out to determine once and for all who the worst Putback Artist in all of basketball is.

Ahhh!!! I was hoping not to get worked up over this, but I failed. And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes right into one of Tyler Hansbrough's bug-eyes. Enjoy it, Tyler, ya douche.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, "The Morning After the Mourning" Edition.

***The Big 3 are no match for a King - In case you missed it, and since no one cares about the NBA before the playoffs I'm guessing you did, the Cavs and Celtics played a classic game last night. The Cavs won in overtime behind the stellar front line play of Big Z, Drew "Negative Basketball IQ" Gooden, and our King. Ray Allen was awesome except for his choke job at the free throw line at the end of regulation. What this means to the league is that the East still goes through Cleveland and that Bron Bron (38 points, 13 assists) is unquestionably the best player in the league. You can't deny that, not this year. The kid has carried this average at best team.

***That was one hell of a comeback - I was excited to see Priest Holmes come back. I even wrote about it 2-3 weeks ago when it was announced that he would be the starter. Well, that ended quickly. But not as fast as Ricky Williams' attempt. 6 carries, 15 yards, injured reserve. Done. In my fantasy league, we are only allowed 10 waiver pick ups over the season. Due to the shittiness of my RB situation, I used my 10th transaction for Ricky to improve on my starting duo of Willie Parker and THEE Rueben Droughns. Yes, I am that bad. And yes, I'm stuck with Ricky for the rest of the year. Ugh. That is what we in the fantasy football business call a "boner in the mouth".

***This better not lead to an album deal - How did the world's most famous homosexual, Tony Romo, celebrate Thanksgivin'??? After kicking the piss out of the hapless Jets, Romo spent Friday at the home of everyone's favorite dad...Joe Simpson!!! Great, more rumors about Romo plowing through Jessica Simpson. Why do people assume that Romo is nailing all these celebrity types? How is it that I'm the only one that realizes that he only uses these broads to go shopping and to give him advice about whether or not his belt matches his shoes? Man, I hate Romo...I hope AJ Hawk breaks the rainbow-loving QB's leg tomorrow.

***When I was a kid, I burned my hand on a hot stove - That's a true story, I have the scar to prove it. But who cares, I'm over it. The baseball offseason has been a little bit interesting thus far with the A-Rod contract, Barry Bonds potentially going to jail, and Joel Zumaya being injured due to living with his parents still. Now we get months and months of speculation of where stud lefty, Johan Santana, will be traded. The odds are for him coming to the Bronx for a package of The Melkster, Hughes or Kennedy, and another mid-level prospect. If that is the case, DO THIS NOW, Brian Cashman!!! And I can buy World Series tickets tomorrow.

***Gatorade replaces electrolytes, causes kidney failure - The inventor of Gatorade, Dr. Robert Cade, passed away yesterday at the age of 80 due to kidney failure. Normally, I would make a joke or two about this situation, but not this week. Things aren't nearly as funny as they should be with the Sean Taylor situation. So instead, let's think about Dr. Cade for a moment. The inventor of Gatorade. He has to be near the top of the most significant men in sports (that have nothing to due with the outcomes of the game) of all time! Athletes drink that stuff all the time. Play on, Dr. Cade.

***Bobby Knight hunts humans - I read about this this morning and at first thought that there was no way that this was true. Then, after thinking about who was involved, I realized that there is no way that this is untrue. We all know that The General like to hunt, he's the outdoorsy-type. Apparently, Robert Montgomery was way too close to some guy's property who didn't like the idea of two hillbillies shooting things so close to his home. The guy yelled at the coach numerous times. His reward? Knight apparently shot at him and hit him in the neck and back with pellets!!! Hilarious yet deranged yet a normal occurrence in the life of The General. Look, I don't get hunting at all. I would never do it but I can see why people like doing it. It's the thrill of the stalking! But to be shooting off guns around some guy's house and then getting pissed when he asks you to leave, that's just being a dick. That's just Bobby being Bobby.

***Helio wins The Biggest Loser, Dancing With the Stars - You can file this one away in the "Who Gives A Shit" department as Indy Car driver, Helio Castroneves, won Dancing With The Quasi-Stars last night. Congratulations, Helio, moms all across the country are so proud of you. I guess the one positive from this is that he has finally upgraded sports. Ballroom dancing ranks ahead of Indy Car racing still, right?

A couple of notes before I leave today.
--The Dayton/Miami game is tonight. The Dayton homers at Flyers Fieldhouse asked me to write a preview of what to expect from the 'Hawks can read it here.
--The Cavs and Pistons renew their rivalry again tonight as well. I expect the Black Trash to win the regular season games. The Cavs will just win in the playoffs. After all, the Cavs are superior in every facet.
--I'm going to try, probably Friday, to do a post on the Redskins and how they recover on the field. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Rest In Peace, Sean Taylor

Damn. I am freaking devastated right now. This kind of stuff shouldn't happen to anyone. It sucks. I had fully come to terms with the fact that Redskins safety, Sean Taylor, would never play football again. And in the grand scheme of things, that was incredibly unimportant. But I was hoping that he could pull through this and live the rest of his life and watch his daughter grow up. But it was not meant to be.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you all about how cursed the Redskins have been this year or what they should do to replace Sean. First, there is no replacement for Sean Taylor. And second, it serves no purpose at this moment and would be about as pathetic as it gets. I guess that one thing we have learned from all of this is that the world is a scary place. There are way too many bad people out there. I hope they find who did this and that justice will be served.

I'm keeping it short and leaving you guys with a tribute video of some of Sean Taylor's biggest plays. Rest in peace, Sean. This Redskins fan will never forget you, your talent, and your contributions to the franchise.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Worst of Week 12

Before we get into the worst from this past weekend, I have to give some love to one of my enemies. I think a lot of people don't give the Philadelphia Eagles enough credit for their successes and professionalism over the past decade. Last night was no exception. Besides T.O.'s Super Bowl performance, I have never been more impressed by the guts from a losing team. That was excellent. You've got give it up to Andy Reid and his players. They played an almost perfect game given the situation, and were damn close to pulling it off. And if this doesn't show how worthless Donovan McNabb is, I don't know what does.

One more thing, GREAT job by my Redhawks hoopsters this past weekend in the Anaheim Classic. Beat South Alabama, lost a heartbreaker to OJ Mayo in the semis, and rebounded last night to beat Mississippi State for the third place win. This team is going to the Dance come March. Mark it down.

But let's get to the shitty. The 10 worst performances of week 12...

10. Champagne Joey Harrington - I'm so happy that this game was not televised on Thursday night as the sight of his horrible QB play would have made me vomit turkey all over myself. This is it. This is the last year that Champagne Joey will ever get a chance to start in the league. When you think of the Falcons, can you picture anyone any good on that team? I can't, they all suck.

9. Texans Defense - There is nothing wrong with giving up 27 points to the Browns in Cleveland. They can score. But there is one thing that can not be tolerated...Jamal Lewis for 130+ yards. And he didn't even need 97 carries to get there!!! Jamal Lewis sucks. Enough said. And he's suckering the Browns into possibly offering him an extension. Don't fall for it, Phil Savage. As soon as the ink would dry on that extension, he will immediately hook the U-Haul back up to his shoulder pads. Yes, you guessed it. The U-Haul is filled with cocaine.

8. Vince Young - Vince, Vince, Vince...6 measly points against that vaunted Bengals defense??? No touchdowns? That is just terrible. And on a personal note, fuck you, Chad Johnson. You take 10 weeks off and then come storming back to drop 3 TD's on my fantasy team yesterday...fuck that. Where was I? Oh yeah, Vince Young is not very good at throwing passes in the NFL.

7. My Redskins Offense - Normally after a Skins loss, my bias pushes them near the top but not this week. There was way too much shit to sift through and the Skins came out at #7. 6 turnovers. Southeast Jerome with 2 fumbles. Shitana Moss with another fumbling abortion. Jason Campbell throwing two crucial picks in the 4th to reverse-ice the game. Jesus Christ. It's another week yet the same result...the Skins give away another game. For some reason, I still think they are going to be the 6th seed in the playoffs. Nobody beats themselves more than Joe Gibbs' team. NO ONE. I believe their +/- is somewhere near -41. I would say that the Skins will beat the Bills next Sunday but I'm sure they will invent another new, crazy-ass way to lose in the 4th.

6. Gus Frerotte - Welcome back to the list, Gus!!! You left for awhile, but believe me, you were not forgotten. Your 4th down play yesterday will be on the short list at next year's ESPY's for worst play of the year. That was hilarious. I feel bad for the Rams. If they have ANYONE competent at QB at the end of the game, they win. By the way, the Seahawks still suck.

5. Herm Edwards (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - 3 weeks in a row for Herman!!! While watching the Mizzou/KU game over snifters of brandy with world famous blog commenter, Damman, he asked me why I thought Herm was so bad. My response was something along the lines of "Are you serious? You are seriously asking that fucking question? Anything bad can happen with Herm in charge." And losing at home to the Raiders is about as bad as it gets. A classic Herm loss.

4. Kyle Boller - At first, I was pissed that this game was featured at 4 here in Columbus. But then I thought, wait a minute, Billick vs. Norv, Boller vs. Rivers, and a Roid Rage vs. a Murderer...PURE GOLD!!! Nice beard, by the way, Kyle. I've seen 13 year old trailer park kids grow thicker shit than that. This game was hilarious. Tons of terrible passes. Each coach trying to be less stupid than the other. It was great. I'm throwing it out there now, I'd rather watch two crappy teams just for the comedic value alone.

3. Kurt Warner - Hold the phone, Warner threw for almost 500 yards yesterday! Yes he did. And that's all well and good but he was also the QB that lost to the 49ers at home. The Cardinals were SWEPT by the 49ers this year. Let that sink in for a minute. Back to Kurt, him taking a safety in overtime was a thing of beauty. Incompetent play at it's third finest.

2. Mike Shanahan - I've never understood why Ol' Orange Face/White Teeth never seems to be in jeopardy of losing his job. He hasn't won shit in almost a decade!!! A classic chicken choke yesterday only adds fuel to my argument. There's nothing wrong in losing in Chicago to the Bears. I fully expect Joe Gibbs to do so in a few weeks. But blowing a 14 point lead with less than 7 minutes to go to the Sex Cannon Grossman makes me scratch my head. AND WHY OH FUCKING WHY DO TEAMS KICK TO DEVIN HESTER?!?!?!?! What more does this stud have to do? Worst coaching job of the day by far, OF/WT.

1. Eli Manning - The Manning Brothers are starting to build a monopoly around this title. I think next week, Cooper Manning will be #1 and in two weeks, Archie Manning's combover will take top billing. Oh, Elisha. The Vikings pass defense is very soft, buddy. Especially when they are on the road. But you prefer to defy all logic. 4 interceptions with 3 of them taken to the house...magnificent. By the way, if the picture accompanying today's post isn't the best AP stock photo ever, I don't know what it is. Truly hilarious. It looks the Giants may be starting the classic Coughlin second half collapse now. How else do you explain a 25+ point loss at home to Travaris Jackson???

So enjoy your spot at #1 this week, Elisha, you earned it. I'm sure you'll be back soon enough.

It sucks being back at work...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Taking A Blogging Vacation

Alright, then. The management (me) has decided to take the rest of the week off. Holidays aren't big blogging times anyway. But, we will be regrouping back in the hometown for the next few days and hitting shit back up on Monday. Enjoy your turkey/family bonding/heavy drinking.

I leave you with a fine screencap of Joe Buck doing what he does best...acting like a giant douche.

Peace out.

The Middle Finger: Tom Gage and Jim Hawkins

I'm pissed. This is absolute bullshit. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. But it just goes to show how stupid people are. You can love A-Rod. You can hate A-Rod. You can even suggest that he enjoys having his errogenous zones touched by shemales. But one thing is for certain, he was the god damn MVP this past year. You can't make an argument otherwise. Well, unless you are completely ignorant and have never watched a baseball game before.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes straight up to the shithole of America, Detroit, and right up the asses of Tom Gage of The Detroit News and Jim Hawkins of The Oakland Press in Pontiac, Mich.

First things first, there are only 28 votes for MVP and the Detroit area gets two??? And some hillbilly from The Oakland Press gets one??? Baseball truly is a fucked up sport. I wish these two idiots would comment on why they voted this way so they could be cast in The Ringer 2: Even More Retarded. (Editor's note, if anyone has heard why these two limp-dicks voted for Fagglio, let me know in the comments.)

Let's compare A-Rod and The RF from A League of Their Own to see if we can understand these anal beads. Let's just start by saying that the Yankees made the playoffs almost entirely based on the production of #13. The Tigers made the World Series somehow in 2006 and failed to get back into the postseason the following year.

Runs: A-Rod 143, Faggs 117
Hits: Faggs 216, A-Rod 183
HR: A-Rod 54, Faggs 28
RBI: A-Rod 156, Faggs 139
SB: A-Rod 24, Faggs 4
BB: A-Rod 95, Faggs 76
K: A-Rod 120, Faggs 79
BA: Faggs .363, A-Rod .314
Slugging and OPS: Both favor A-Rod

Not even close. You can't even compare the two seasons if you look beyond batting averages. Alex also plays a much more difficult fielding position in an impossible media market. While Fagglio had a fine season, this was a slam dunk. If these guys are going to vote CC Sabathia as a unanimous (may not be true) Cy Young winner, then there is no excuse to not do the same for A-Rod who had one of the best seasons of all time.

So Tom Gage and Jim Hawkins, you should be absolutely fucking embarrassed. You should be fired. You should be sodomized by one of A-Rod's favorite shemales. Enjoy this week's Middle Finger. I would tell you to shove it up your asses but there is likely no more room with your heads still wedged up there.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Worst of Week 11

I went into Week 11 expecting the worst from my Redskins. No Sean Taylor + Joe Gibbs offense meant to me that the Cowboys would win by 5 touchdowns. I underestimated my boys though. Instead, we got another classic game from the best rivalry in the NFL. God, I hate the Cowboys. Everything they represent, I hate. Whether it be the queer sneer of Tony Romo, the incessant media love of the wildy overrated Roy Williams, or the overall doucheyness of Jerry Jones, I hate Dallas. And this loss hurts. The Skins had a great opportunity to win that game and couldn't finish it. And because of that, I've got some venom tonight. Here we go, the worst of Week 11.

10. Chad Henne and Mike Hart - Ah yes, this week's inclusion from outside the NFL goes to the most overrated, overhyped, overmatched duo in recent Michigan history. If it wasn't for Miami's insanely awful 7-0 victory over Akron on Wednesday, the "Big Game" would be a shoe-in for worst televised game of the year. That game sucked. There is no other way to put it. That was chock full o' boring. Even the alcohol tasted worse during the game. That being said, Chad Henne is the worst division 1 quarterback I've seen in a very long time (yes, that includes Josh Betts). He makes no throws...ever. He has no accuracy. And his buddy, Mike Hart, is all mouth and very little game. He can run his gums as much as he wants to, but when push comes to shove, he can't produce. Don't give me the injury bullshit either, Blue fans. If they were good enough to be on the field, they should have produced more than 3 points against a defense that had no answers for Juice Williams. Good job fulfilling your destiny to beat the Buckeyes. 4 years, 4 guys suck.

9. Daunte Culpepper - The Raiders hope of Daunte sticking it to his old team much like he did against Miami was foolish. Culpepper just isn't good enough to win road games anymore. It's time to call the morgue, Daunte's career as an adequate starter in this league are over. It's time for the #1 draft pick, Defensive Tackle, JaMarcus Russell to get in there and start winging shit all over the field.

8. Shaune Merriman - The impressive, well-coached Chargers lost again. Yep, Norv's got those boys inspired and playing some solid .500 football. But what we will remember from yesterday's slugfest with the Jags, is Merriman getting absolutely blown up by Mo-Jo Drew. Hilarious. All cheaters deserve something like this to happen to them. If you haven't seen the clip of this block, you've got to do so. Sweet, sweet justice for a bad human being filled with steroids, HGH, and Paul Byrd's man-juice.

7. Whoever was supposed to cover Randy Moss - I'm not going to blame the Bills. It was their turn to get pimp-slapped by the Pats. But come on, I can understand one, maybe even two, touchdowns for Moss, but you would think they would figure out that Randy Moss is good. That was pathetic (especially since I needed two Welker td's). Four touchdowns to a guy who your gameplan should have been focused on! Only a truly shitty cornerback would give up 4 TD's to one guy. Bills fans, yes I'm talking to you A.D., lick your wounds and come back next week with some fire. I still think you'll make the playoffs.

6. Shaun McDonald - To the casual NFL fan, you have no idea who this bum is. To Lions fans, this is your goat from yesterday. I honestly thought that the Lions were going to come back and win that game. And they could have. Driving on the G-Men D with less than 2 minutes left, Jesus's best friend, Jon Kitna, throws a good ball to McDonald. McDonald disagreed, popped it up in the air, and let the Giants pick it off and run out the clock. Terrible. Worst play of the day. And to the Lions fans, look out. You'll be lucky to win one of your next 3.

5. Herm Edwards (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - Alright!!! Herm is back again!!! Now, as I've said before, I make a point to not watch any Chiefs games. And this weekend was no exception. But if you hold the Colts, in their building, to 13 points, YOU WIN THAT GAME. Not Herm. Herm loses. Man, I love Herm. He is almost too terrible at his job for words. As much as I love laughing at his ineptitude, I will be truly saddened when he is fired. I will have nothing to write about anymore.

4. Brian Billick - I watched this entire game, it was pretty good. For the first half, Kyle Boller couldn't play for Michigan. In the second half, well, he still sucked but the results were at least better. Here's my problem with the genius of Brian Billick: DON'T KICK THE BALL TO JOSH CRIBBS. He did it at the end of regulation and again in overtime and the results both times were that the Browns started drives near the 50. Do you not know, Brian, that Cribbs is the best player on the Browns??? Derek Anderson was pretty bad again yesterday so you knew he wasn't going to drive on your D. Why kick to him? Pop the damn ball straight up in the air and make the up-guys field it. Add this to my many reasons why I should be an NFL coach. That's just another bad decision in Brian Billick's coaching disaster tour 2007. Fire him. Fire him yesterday. Fire him last week.

3. The Steelers O-Line - Wow. I did not see this one coming. The Steelers were arguably the second best team in football but they lose to the Jets??? The Jets! The same Jets defense that is one of the worst in the league, holds Willie Parker to 52 yards and sacks Large Benjamin 7 times. That's terrible. They should all donate their game checks to charity (this blog is a wonderful charity) because they did not earn that pay. The Jets beat the Steelers. I still can't believe that shit. It doesn't even look right. I bet Kevin James is smiling now.

2. Shawn Springs - As happy as Buckeye fans are for their triumph in Ann Arbor, they should hold their heads in shame for once supporting Springs. He fucking sucks. Let me explain something to you, Shawn. London Fletcher will guard Jason Witten and you will guard T.O. The rest of Dallas's scrubs can be covered by everyone else. You cost us that game today. Jason Campbell was fantastic. Joe Gibbs wasn't his normal horrible self...he coached like he actually wanted a win. I know, I was surprised, too. But you had other ideas. 4 touchdowns??? Come on, it's not like Romo has Stallworth and Welker to throw, too. The Cowboys have only one god damn deep threat. AND IT'S YOUR FUCKING MAN. God, I hate Shawn Springs. Completely ruined my day. Fuck Dallas. I can't say that enough. I guess the good news out of this loss is that the 6 spot in the NFC is still up for grabs now that the Saints are terrible and the Lions are in full collapse mode (and we own the tiebreaker). Next weekend's Skins/Bucs game is a must win for my boys. I expect a large game from Joey Galloway since he will be Springs' responsibility.

1. Carson Palmer - Nice day for Carson, 5 touchdown passes. Unfortunately, 2 were to Arizona's Antrel Rolle. I like Carson. I do. But can we admit that maybe, just maybe, that he isn't as good as everyone thinks? I mean seriously, what has he ever won? He has all the offensive talent in the world and he still fucks it up. The Bengals have officially quit. They don't even play hard anymore. Because of this, I'm sure Mike Brown (Bengals owner, not mediocre NBA coach) will offer Marvin Lewis a ten year extension tomorrow morning. 4 picks to the earned #1 this week, Carson.

2 other random notes from the weekend:
1. I saw a guy karaoke Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" Saturday night. It was unexpected and fantastic. They guy did a really good job and even respected the hilariousness (I made up a word again!) of the tune.
2. Saturday was a rough day obviously. After the game, you can't take a nap because you're done for the night then. You have to keep it going. You have to find something to do from 4-8 during the afternoon lull. My recommendation: pick one of your buddies, preferrably the drunkest, and tell everyone at the bar that he thinks Brad Garrett is funny. It's a great time. People will look at your friend like he has lepresy.

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Middle Finger: Old Guys

Is there anything more annoying in the realm of sports than the old man criticizing the way the game is played today? Well, it's been a banner week for that shit. So much so that I've had to type up an emergency Middle Finger. Not because I want to, but because I have to.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the random geriatrics who used to walk five miles in the snow to get to school but now embarrass themselves with their own retardation.

First up, John Wooden. In an interview with the Bilastrator this past week, the legend addressed a lot of topics that bothered him in the world of college hoops today. I do agree with the 97 year old that the refs allow to much banging down low, specifically with cutters, but one thing he said really got to me. In typical old man fashion, Wooden bitched about the showboating. He said that he hates the dunk because it shows poor sportsmanship and would prefer players to lay it in off the glass. Come on, John. That's crazy. I think it would be worse sportsmanship if Greg Oden DIDN'T dunk on guys last year and just laid it in. It's good that the coach is still healthy enough to make it out to games, but let's not put a live mic in front of him anymore.

Second, Mercury Morris. Most of you have seen his tirade already. You know, the one where he talks smack about how the '72 Dolphins are much better than the Pats while on a golf course. It is soon to be the benchmark for crazy interviews. Why was anyone even talking to him? And why was a camera crew at a golf course? You almost have to laugh at Morris though. The whole "I'll put on my tuxedo for the bride" remark should be enough evidence to have him committed.

Third, Pat Riley. We all understand that your team sucks. We know you have injuries. We know you have Ricky Davis. But to openly bitch about how you could play for the Heat and be the big scorer is asinine. In case you forgot, Riles, YOU BUILT THIS TEAM. If anyone can name a better example of the fucking pot calling the kettle black, I'd love to hear it. Shut the fuck up, you are a 62 year old man, you should feel lucky just to wake up in the morning.

Finally, Phil Jackson. "We call that a Brokeback Mountain game, a lot of penetration and kickouts." Oh that is so fresh, Mr. Zen. Is that the best joke you've got? You should have busted out gems like "Where's the Beef?" or "Yo Quiero Taco Bell". I mean THOSE are new, fresh jokes. Face it, Phillip, your team sucks. Your best player hates you and wants to leave. Your legacy as a great coach is looking more and more like a product of circumstance. Just give boring interviews from now on. No one wants to hear from you anyway. And we REALLY don't want to hear your opinions on the gay community and homoerotic quasi-western cinema.

And to the media, I know it seems fun and gives you guys something to do, but quit interviewing these dinosaurs. Please.

So Mr. Wooden, Mercury, Riles, and the Zenmaster, enjoy this week's Middle Finger. Go ahead and shove it up your ass, it works just like fiber.

***If you want me to comment on A-Rod, I'm not going to yet. I'm not believing this until the deal is signed.
***Prediction: Ohio St. 30, Michigan 17. But really, nobody cares. Have a good weekend, stay out of jail.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Dumpin' Links

Well, today you fools are getting a link dump since I am still trying to get warm from last night's worst game ever. miami's thrilling 7-0 victory over the Akron White Trash. Enjoy this scary toilet.

Flyers Fieldhouse talks college hoops with Michael Litos. Michael is the author of Cinderella: Inside the Rise of Mid-Major College Basketball.

My write up from Mid America Nattering regarding how this week has been perfect for Mother Miami. Did Rece Davis and Mark May hang out at dad and I's tailgate??? Click and read.

LeCavs! is a new blog I've stumbled across which is fantastic for Cavs fans. If you dig The King, give Matt and Ori a look.

Mondesi's House thinks that Ben Roethlisberger is Rodney Dangerfield (this is from last week but remains a good read).

The Big Picture wants to know if you would do Cavalier Girl, Amanda. Yep, you read that right.

The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes calls Phillip Rivers a right-handed Scott Mitchell. Ouch.

Nothing specific on this one, but I love The Hater Nation. I think the writers there are bigger, angrier dickheads than me.

Awful Announcing continues to impress. Whether it be digging up Mike Golic admitting to steroid use on the air today or the schedule for a ton of OSU/Michigan coverage over the rest of the week.

Alright, I'm done for the day.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "At 1 o'clock today I will not be back at work until 11/26 and couldn't be happier" edition.

***That was one helluva start to the season - In case you missed it, my beloved Redhawks started the season off with a bang last night with a 59-57 over SW Ohio rival, Xavier. What a great game. Miami was down 11 at half and clawed their way back for the upset. Now even though the 'Hawks only had 4 guys score, we now have a Big 3 with Pollitz, Bramos, and Super-JUCO Kenny "The Hitman" Hayes. I said last week that this team was going to be very good. I stand by that. Beating X is the kind of win that looks great on an RPI come March. Next on the list, South Alabama and then potentially OJ Mayo. We can take USC. Now if the football team can punch Akron in the throat tonight with me in attendace, life would be good.

***I hope it has something to do with dead hookers - If there's anything funnier in the world if sports than the current feud between Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury, I haven't heard it. Zeke has benched Starbury for being selfish and shitty. Starbury left the team and flew back to New York. But not before this gem of a threat...something along the lines of, "He better start me because I've got a ton of dirt on him." Oh please, let it come out, Stephon. We deserve to know this. I've watched the Knicks already this year, and trust me, you owe me. If it came out that Zeke eats Mrs. Dash-seasoned dead hookers, it would not surprise me one bit.

***His lawyer must have been Dan Fielding - Pacman Jones received only probation for his involvement in the Vegas strip club shootings from last February. Seriously, what does Pacman have to do to get locked up??? The bouncer that was shot is paralyzed!!! What a terrible judge. Our legal system is so fucked. Take it from me, if you punch a strip club bouncer in the face, you get years. But if you are a relatively decent football player with a long rap sheet, you can shoot him in the spine and get probation. No wonder Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer doesn't understand our society.

***Hello, Dirk. It's me, CC - CC Sabathia won the Cy Young award yesterday. Don't get me wrong, he had a fine season. But come on, we all saw him suck balls thrice in the playoffs, he wasn't the best pitcher in the AL. This isn't as bad as Dirk Nowitzki winning the MVP a week after getting bounced in the playoffs by an 8 seed, but it's close. 241 innings pitched in the regular season alone, huh? Eric Wedge truly is a terrible manager. CC's arm is likely going to fall off this upcoming season. Over/Under is set for July 4th.

***No hype behind The Big Game - I'm always told that the OSU/UM game is a big deal. In some ways, I think it is. This year, it's not. Michigan had dreams of a national title with all those Seniors returning. But they suck. Ohio State was in kind of a rebuilding mode but then got put up to #1 since college football has been terrible this season. They couldn't handle the pressure or the genius of Ron Zook. And even though the Rose Bowl is on the line, who cares? The only story here is that this might be Lloyd Carr's last game. Let me make this easy for everybody...this HAS GOT TO BE Carr's last game. He is a terrible coach. Whoever wins this game earned the right to be destroyed by the Pac-10 runners-up.

***No longer rocking the face pubes - One of my least favorite players shaved yesterday!!! Yes, I too am wondering why this is news. Kevin Youkilis shaved his mammoth goatee for charity. Fuck him. There is no word yet on what his charity was, but I'm thinking he's raising money for OJ's Defense Fund, the burning of orphanages, anti-AIDS research, or al-Qaeda. That makes much more sense.

***Boy George is gay, will enjoy prison - From the "who didn't see this one coming" file, Boy George was arrested yesterday for chaining up a 28 year old guy in his London apartment. I don't even want to know the details, it's already too disturbing. Wait a minute! 28 year old guy? Probably gay? Good God, that Kevin Youkilis's music!!! Now it makes perfect sense.

Alright, chachlers, I'm out. Heading to Oxford tonight for some quality MAC football in which everyone's favorite, Lou Holtz, will be broadcasting live!!! Not sure how the posts are going to work around here with my vacation, but keep checking back. I'll try to be here every day, just not in the mornings. Have a good one.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm In Love Again

Due to the Writer's Guild strike, and my lack of venom this week, were putting the Middle Finger on a one week hiatus.

One of the best things to ever happen to college hoops is the rule that you can't go straight from high school to the NBA. Seriously, who didn't enjoy watching Kevin Durant and Greg Oden play last year??? I know I did. In fact, the only place Kevin Durant could play was Seattle due to my restraining order. Each televised game was must watch TV. But those days are gone. Those days have gone to the Pacific Northwest/retirement home.

What's that? What'd you say? There's an even BETTER crop of freshman studs this year? You've got that right. One could argue that the top 5 most talented players in the nation are all first-years. Let's introduce you to the Big 5 that will be drawing more than a few oooh's and aaah's over the winter.

5. OJ Mayo, G, USC - A very unlikeable guy, no doubt, but the kid has talent. He told Trojan coach, Tim Floyd, that he wanted to be a Trojan to make a name for himself in LA. I like that. I enjoy shameless self-promotion in my athletes. Since he has that mind frame, clearly will not care about his teammates, and will be leaving USC as soon as the season ends this year for the NBA, I expect a TON of Sportscenter highlights. OJ dropped 32/7/4 in his first game, a loss to Mercer.

4. Kevin Love, C, UCLA - Yeah, UCLA brought in a stud, too. I watched Love last night and think he's got a nice game. I'm not sure about the comparisons to Bill Walton's acid or his chinstrap beard, but he's got some skills. He has much more polish in the post than my least favorite player, Tyler Hansbrough. And he can run, too. I love me some big white centers that can Bill Wennington. I don't think he'll be leaving after this season. Love put up 21/9 last night against those pesky Penguins from Youngstown State.

3. Derrick Rose, PG, Memphis - From everything I've heard from the pundits and morons at ESPN, this kid is hands down the best freshman in the nation. But I have to put him at 3 since I haven't seen the Tigers yet. A 6'4" PG that can do it all is definitely scary. The missing piece for Memphis last year was a dynamic PG, well, now they have it. Rose, through 2 games, is averaging 19/5.5/3 and will continue to get better. He could be the #1 pick next year.

2. Eric Gordon, G, Indiana - I caught the highlights of IU last night. Good Lord, Gordon looks to be the real deal. Considering that the best returning guard in the Big Ten is the grossly overrated, Drew Neitzel, it will be refreshing to see some consistently sick backcourt talent down in Bloomington. Gordon can shoot from anywhere on the floor. He was drilling all sorts of bombs last night in the opener. Whether or not Kelvin Sampson is paying him to play there is besides the point, Gordon can ball. He put up 33/6/4 in his debut.

1. Michael Beasley, F, Kansas State - If you're looking for the next Charles Barkley, Beasley is your man. I felt bad for the kid considering he wanted to come play for Bob "The Drunk" Huggins. But it doesn't matter. The kid can play anywhere. In his first game with the Wildcats, check out this line, Beasley dropped 32 points and 24 boards. Are you serious??? That's insane! If Bill Walker can get back to 100%, Kansas State is a real dark horse Final Four team with the front line that they can offer. Through 2 games, Beasley is averaging 31/19. Just filthy. I am about 90% sure that he will be my Kevin Durant man-crush of this season.

There you go, 5 names you need to know. If you want to know my preseason Final Four prediction and compare it to some of the world's most reknowned sports bloggers, check it out here. My picks (as you can see, I find PG play to be the key to tournament success):

Louisville - Sosa and Caracter are a fantastic inside and out combo
Memphis - This is Calipari's year, the pieces are finally in place
UCLA - Collison and Love with a little Ben Howland tutelage will get them back
Tennessee - I love Chris Lofton, my favorite player in the nation

I'll be back tomorrow for my final blog at work until after Thanksgiving (vacation!!!). Go Redhawks!!! Beat Xavier!!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Worst of Week 10

Happy Monday everyone. The big news this week is that starting at 1 pm on Wednesday, I will be on a sick-ass long 11.5 day vacation. While I'm not going anywhere, you can never put a price on how great it feels to lay on the couch in sweatpants. But enough about how awesome I am, let's get down to some shittiness. Here they are, the ten worst performances of yesterday with one large inclusion that could not be overlooked.

10. An Ohio State University - What a fucking glorious day Saturday was. Watching Juice Williams dominate was a thing of beauty. We also can't forget how Ron Zook completely sodomized The Vest. It was great. Being the only one smiling amongst a lot of misery is something that I live for. Some people (I'm looking at you, stonybrown) like to say that since I'm a MAC football enthusiast, I have no legs to stand on when it comes to criticizing An Ohio State University. Well, fuck that. You're right, I don't really care. But when you douchebags keep reminding me over and over again about how "great" you are, when losses happen, I feel like it's my job to bring you back down to earth. After all, if it wasn't for the state of Massachusetts, you guys are the worst, most obnoxious fans in the world. It's great to see you all humbled. Ron Zook owns this state. I don't mind doing this today...O-H!!! I-O!!!

9. Brad Childress - My first mistake ever. Leaving Von Kaiser off of my worst coaches poll is an absolute injustice to bad coaching. Von is a horrible coach. I've said it before and I'll say it again...THE PACKERS AREN'T THAT GOOD. Letting Ryan Grant run all over you and Brett Favre throw touchdowns into triple coverage is just poor coaching. Enjoy the severance package, Von.

8. Derek Anderson - Is the honeymoon over? Well, probably not because a road win in Baltimore would cancel yesterday's abysmal play by D.A. Yes, I know he threw 3 touchdowns. But he was wildly ineffective in the second half and if it weren't for Josh Cribbs and his massive rapsheet, the Steelers beat the Oranges by 3 touchdowns. Moving to the other sideline, can we all agree that Big Ben is a big time QB??? What more can he do? He's the second best QB in the league this year, that can not be argued.

7. Vince Young - In the last 5 games, VY has thrown 1 TD and 8 picks. The Madden Curse is not hurting people this year, just making them really shitty. I still think the Titans are a playoff team, but they need more out of the guy who saved Mack Brown's job.

6. Lions Defense - That's more like it. The Lions were terrible yesterday. Who didn't see this coming? Much like many overrated teams, they lose to inferior teams on the road. No exception here. Have you seen the Lions upcoming schedule? Giants, Packers, Cowboys all coming up. There is NO WAY that this team makes the playoffs. Especially if they have negative rushing yards for an entire 60 minutes.

5. Tom Coughlin (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - Even though Herman lost yesterday, we're keeping him off the list today. I know, I know, I'm getting soft. But, Tommy the Rat got his ass handed to him. He got out-maneuvered by the worst coach ever, Wade Phillips. Speaking of Phillips, throughout the first half yesterday his hair was messed up and he looked a lot like Jerry's Dad in the low-flow shower head episode of Seinfeld. It was truly enjoyable. Back to Coughlin, this is the time of year when the Giants usually quit on him...hopefully that started last night. I know Eli looked like he was throwing in the towel.

4. The Washington Redskins - Terrible. Just terrible. The entire team deserves a latex fist in the ass after that turd. Losing to Donovan McNabb is a capital crime in some countries. Making that fag look like a decent QB is punishable by death. Joe Gibbs is killing me. Every time they get the lead, he shuts the offense down and tries not to lose. Hey Joe, THIS IS THE GODDAMNED NFL, be aggressive and try to WIN games!!! The defense absolutely quit and the offensive line took the 4th quarter off. Fuck. I got into a heated argument with my old man last night as he was defending Joe and how smart it was to let Westbrook walk into the end zone UNTOUCHED to get the ball back. Umm, dad, you are an idiot. Joe Gibbs is killing this team. He cost us the Giants and now the Eagles games. A coach who's not worried about auto racing would have this team at 7-2 now. They are going to get killed in Dallas next weekend. Dear God.

3. Drew Brees - Warning! Fantasy Talk! After unloading Donovan and Alexander for Drew Brees this past week, I was feeling pretty good about my team. I should have known better. Because anyone on my team turns to shit and those that leave immediately become all-pro's. Anyway, losing to the Rams??? At home!!! Maybe the Saints aren't back. Marc Bulger re-broke the levees. You see what I did there? That was a national disaster joke!!!

2. The Ravens - Nevermore. Ha! Nothing beats an Edgar Allan Poe joke, I'm on fire today! Brian Billick is the proud owner of the first team that has officially quit this season. They don't even play hard anymore. The defense is beaten up because they are on the field constantly. Steve McNair is the worst starting QB in the league (yes, I'm saying that knowing that there are 10 awful starting QB's...he is the worst). The Ravens are in bad shape. I'm talking "Tony Sirgusa bad shape". They lost to the Marvin Lewis-led Bengals...TWICE!!! I see a new coach and new QB on the horizon.

1. Peyton, Adam, and Phillip - I was looking forward to the Sunday Nighter. Colts/Chargers screams of fun and offense. Nuh-uh. That game was awful. 6 interceptions for the now two-time worst of the week, Peyton Manning. Adam Vinatieri missed two relatively-easy kicks (I was a former "straight-on" kicking legend in high school so you know I've been there) and cost the Colts the game. Phillip Rivers attempted pass, fumble, Colts touchdown was one of the funniest plays you'll see. Rivers sucks by the way. Man, that was shit-tastic. That kind of play would only happen to a Norville-coached squadron. Horrid game. It gave me a tickle in my anus.

Alright, I'm out. It's Beat Dallas Week. Fuck Jerry Jones. Fuck Anthony Romo. If there is one guy that Joey Joe Joe Gibbs can still outcoach, it's Big Wade. Well, maybe Jim Tressel. He can't even beat Ron Zook at home. Yep, had to get that last dig in there.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Grading Your 2007-08 Redhawks

It’s that time of the year again. Time for my favorite team to lace the shoes back up and tip off. That’s right, your Miami Redhawks begin basketball play again this Tuesday! Coming off of last season’s MAC championship and NCAA tournament appearance, Charlie Coles and the boys begin the 2007-2008 season at home versus the hated Xavier Musketeers. Let’s preview the team like only I can, not fully, not half-assed, but ¾ assed! For those of you who don’t care (yes, there are a few), I’ve incorporated a few Charlie Coles action photos for you to enjoy.

The Coaching: The Redhawks have had some shakeups in the coaching staff during the offseason. While the great Charlie Coles still runs the show, longtime assistant Frankie “Bright Suit” Smith left to take over the head job at Saginaw Valley State and my boy, Chris Thomas, left to do scouting for the Chicago Bulls. Back to the program, in a coaching role this time, is former great Jason Grunkemeyer. Grunk, a grilled cheese lover, was probably my favorite player while I spent my 4 years in Oxford and it’s good to have him back. The image of Grunk being hoisted in the air by students after a big home upset of Temple (who had just beaten JJ Redick the game prior) will forever be burned in my brain. Back to Charlie though, the Dean of MAC coaches, you can say what you want about him but the guy can coach and he’s entertaining as hell. Assistant coaches Jermaine Henderson and Ryan Pedon (he taught my golf class in college, gave me an A for my report on Curtis Strange!) are future head coaches. GRADE: A-

Point Guard: Miami brings back two point guards with Alex Moosmann penciled in to start again and Carl Richburg backing him up (Carl was injured most of last year). Moose is a very steady hand as he has good vision and plays solid defense. However, his jumper is very inconsistent. Richburg showed some flashes last year in limited action but is more than an adequate backup to Moose. GRADE: C+

Shooting Guard: Over the past few years, you could call this position more of a 2 guard since it’s been awhile since our 2’s have been able to shoot. But that looks to be changing. There is a lot of depth at the 2 with the likely starter being Cincinnati State JUCO transfer, Kenny Hayes, and all reports are saying that the kid is fantastic. Also vying for time here will be Junior Eric Pollitz who has improved his stroke and St. Bonaventure transfer, Isiah Carson who has also impressed over the summer and fall. GRADE: Incomplete

Small Forward: Now that Nathan Peavy is gone (finally), it’s time for Mike Bramos to shine. The former Mr. Basketball in Michigan runner-up is looking to have a breakout Junior season. If how he played in March last year is any indication, the kid is ready to make the leap. He’s got the makeup of a Wally-Lite…hopefully his outside stroke is as pure. He will likely average 35 minutes/game. GRADE: B+

Power Forward: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tim Pollitz. You don’t know him, but Timmy is fantastic. An undersized 4, he is a workhorse in the post on both ends and makes up for the lack of size with flawless fundamentals. Pollitz was the MAC Tournament MVP last year (should have been conference player of the year, fuck you, Romeo Travis) and will continue to blossom into one of the best players on conference history. Timmy will average about 38 minutes/game. GRADE: A

Center: Hoo boy. This could be rough. Luckily for the Redhawks, the MAC doesn’t have many talented big men or we could be in serious trouble. Miami appears to be going with the three-headed monster of a raw Tyler Dierkers, the Mike Ensminger-cloned Adam Fletcher, and the talented yet green Antonio Ballard. How this works out is anyone’s guess. I’m thinking that the coaches are counting on solid help defense, maybe 4-5 points per night, and 10 rebounds. That’s it. Just get out of Tim and Bramos’s way! GRADE: D

Prediction time!!! Many years, I’m not quite sure what to expect from my Redhawks. This is not one of those years. This team is going to be good. And there are always two constants in the Redhawks basketball program:

1. The defense will be the best in the conference and top ten in the nation.
2. If they can score 60 points, they probably aren’t going to lose.

That being said, I think this is a 20 win team. As long as Moose runs the offense a little bit better than last year and that Hayes and Carson can make some plays, they will be fine. The talent level and depth of the team is incredibly better. After all, last year’s team made The Dance (and gave Oregon a good push) with one of the least athletic teams I’ve ever seen.

I’m thinking 20-9 and the MAC tourney 1 seed as a best case scenario. Maybe 17-12 and the 5 seed as the worst case if either Bramos or Pollitz happens to get hurt…knock on wood.

However it ends up, I’m just glad that it begins Tuesday. I’ve been waiting patiently since last March for this. It’s time to get it going again. Just watch this video and tell me why I shouldn’t be excited?

Let’s do this. It’s time to rock Millett Hall. BEAT THOSE MUSKIES!!!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Taking A Look Back

Since we are halfway home in the NFL regular season, I figured today we would take a look back on my preseason predictions to see how great or bad I am. Let's get going.

AFC East:
Preseason - Pats, Bills, Jets, Dolphins
Updated - Staying the same. I nailed this one.

AFC North:
Preseason - Steelers, Bengals, Ravens, Browns
Updated - Steelers, Ravens, Browns, Bengals
With the exception of confusing the Bengals with a competitive team, another job well done. I had the foresight to go against the "experts" and say that the Ravens wouldn't be that good. Who would have saw the Browns though? We're taking a wait and see approach with them for the second half.

AFC South:
Preseason - Colts, Titans, Jags, Texans
Updated - Staying the same. Nailed it again. Damn, I'm good.

AFC West:
Preseason - Chargers, Broncos, Raiders, Chiefs
Updated - Staying the same again. This is really a crapshoot but I'm banking on the Chargers figuring it out and the Chiefs falling flat on their faces. Herm Edwards should be selling Khlau Kalesh and crab juice in NYC. Jay Cutler showing up on South Park last night should help. I said the Raiders would be a surprise team and although they are 3-5, they are much more competitive.

AFC Wild Card:
Preseason - Bengals and Broncos
Updated - Titans and Bills. The Bengals and Broncos both suck. I apologize for these shoddy predictions. I like the Titans even though they are like watching old people fuck. I've got a feeling about the Bills. They play hard, Lee Evans has been awaken, and Marshawn Lynch is a beast.

NFC East:
Preseason - Redskins, Eagles, Cowboys, Giants
Updated - Redskins, Cowboys, Giants, Eagles. Total homer pick here. I was completely wrong about the Giants though. We'll see how they play in the second half before I'm sold on them. Tony Romo is a gay man. Donovan McNabb is the Barbaro of the NFL. They keep trying to keep him alive but it's time to go to the glue factory.

NFC Norris:
Preseason - Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings
Updated - Packers, Lions, Vikings, Bears. Ouch, another swing and a miss. The Bears suck. While I'm not completely sold on the Packers since they can't run, I do like the way the defense and Favre are playing. The Lions are an enigma. They are an awful road team but beasts at home. I see them choking down the stretch and finishing one spot out of the playoffs. I love Adrian Peterson. You should love him, too.

NFC South:
Preseason - Saints, Falcons, Panthers, Bucs
Updated - Saints, Bucs, Panthers, Falcons. The Saints are playing insanely well now which should lead them to coast through this garbage division. I should have known better about Atlanta. The Panthers start Vinnie...nuff said. The Bucs are intriguing. Good defense and a mistake-free QB.

NFC Worst:
Preseason - Seahawks, 49ers, Cardinals, Rams
Updated - Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams, 49ers. This is the worst division in the history of the world. You all know my feelings about Hasselbeck and the 400 pound tub of hangover shit that used to be Shaun Alexander. The Cardinals have a pretty easy schedule the rest of the way. The Rams WILL win a few games. The 49ers may win one game the rest of the year.

NFC Wild Card:
Preseason - Eagles and 49ers
Updated - Cowboys and Giants. If I'm going to stick with the Skins to win the East, I would be foolish not to have Dallas and New York as the wild card teams. The Lions are going to fade away.

NFL MVP: Preseason and still sticking with it - Thomas Brady. I knew he would be fantastic this year, but not THIS fantastic.
Coach of the Year: Preseason and still sticking with it - Mike Tomlin. They are going to be at least the 3 seed in the AFC and were not a playoff team last year. And he's a first time head coach, give him the trophy.
Offensive Rookie: Preseason, I said Marshawn Lynch. I love him and he is going to finish second, but this goes to All Day Adrian Peterson...the #3 pick in all fantasy drafts next year.
Defensive Rookie: Preseason and still sticking with it - LaRon Landry. He's been a beast on a top notch defense. Okoye could steal it though.

Super Bowl Predictions:
Preseason - My heart said Redskins over Patriots. My head said Patriots over Saints. We're not changing this. One of those two is going to be right.

Not too bad. Not bad at all. OK, that was fun but it's time to go. I'll be back tomorrow with my already typed out Redhawk Basketball preview. Why is it already typed? Because I'm leaving work early tomorrow to head up to Toledo for some Napoleon High School playoff football action!!!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week it's the "Gary The No Trash Cougar" Edition.

***For the 20th consecutive year, Big Ten basketball will be a joke - It's been awhile since I've been able to hammer the Buckeyes. After last night, that streak is over. The Fightin' Thad Mattas lost to Division II Findlay in hoops 70-68. They were down for almost the entire game and in the end let the Oilers embarrass them on their own floor. Hilarious. Coming on the heels of Tom Izzo's loss to Grand Valley State, it's clear to me that the Big Ten will once again be horrible this year even if these games do not count. Oiler Pride, bitches...Oiler Pride.

***The Cavs are better when Larry Hughes is hurt - Boy, that's the understatement of the century. I stayed up way too late to watch the Cavs/Warriors game last night (after an amazing finish to CMU/WMU football game) and am now thinking that the Cavs are going to be alright this year. Big Z has started the season with 4 double doubles and a sweet shaved dome. Boobie Gibson is better than he was last year in a greater role. Drew Gooden is still a Grade A moron. And The King is looking great. He's added the 3 pointer and the blocked shot to his arsenal this year. Look out. This team is not going downhill (Bron won't let it) and the road through the East still goes through C-Town. Remember that.

***And on the 7th Day, God sent a Priest back to entertain us all - Now that Larry Johnson is out for at least a week and possibly the season, look who's back. Priest fucking Holmes. I love Priest Holmes. The original fantasy football icon. Now that I've jettisoned Shaun Alexander off to another franchise for a rusty trombone, Priest is my man. Best of luck, Priest, why don't you re-establish your dominance with a 3 TD game this weekend.

***Don Shula is a douche bag - That's it. I'm officially rooting for the Pats to go undefeated. Even though I was -8 years old at the time, I think the '72 Dolphins are my least favorite team ever. I hate them. Popping champagne and smoking cigars each year when the last undefeated team gets beaten is pathetic. Guess what? The '72 Redskins were the better team in that Super Bowl. The '85 Bears were better. The '91 Redskins (most underrated team of all time) were better. Don Shula suggesting that, due to the whole camera fiasco, the Pats potential undefeated season should have an asterisk is a joke. Fuck you, Don. Are you trying to tell me that if we went back in time and drug tested all your players, they would all have clean piss? Get the fuck out. Go enjoy a crappy meal at Shula's Steak II.

***The Indians don't want to repeat - Coming off their mildly successful 2007 campaign, Indians GM Mark Shapiro (winner of the Jeff Garcia Lookalike Contest from 2003-2007) has announced that the team does not care about winning anymore. How else would you explain the team picking up the options on HGH Byrd and the shittiest closer in baseball history, Joe Borowski? Wouldn't now be a good time to upgrade? Both are old guys, suck, and cost way more than they produce. If Byrd gets 15 wins again this year or JoeBo saves 45 more games, I will quit blogging forever. I am that confident that these two suck.

***Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away - Ah, a fantastic Motley Crue song. Also, a perfect analogy of how I feel about Nebraska and Notre Dame. Nebraska fans are apparently bitching because they feel Kansas ran up the score on them. Really? Look in the fucking mirror. Tom Osborne did this same shit for 40 or so years! What goes around comes around. And as far as Notre Dame goes, watching them lose to Navy was fantastic. Don't feel bad for the Irish, either. They have access to BILLIONS of dollars. If they can't put a decent team on the field, that's their problem. Just sit back and enjoy it.

***Dog The Black Guy Hunter is in trouble - Uh oh. Dog's got his hands full now. First, he had to deal with the Mexican government over arresting a pederass. Now, a tape was leaked where he is yelling at one of his family members to dump his black girlfriend using some socially unacceptable terms. His show, which I found entertaining, has been shelved. Look, Dog, I live in Ohio. I know that people still feel the same way you do. My advice to you is to just keep it to yourself. Because now you probably have to apologize to Al Sharpton for some reason and no one wants to do that.

Peace, broseph. See. I can be gay, too.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Middle Finger: Jamal Lewis

For as long as I can remember, there has only been only one greater fantasy football injustice in the history of the world greater than the travesty in Cleveland on Sunday.

Week 1, 2004, Raiders @ Steelers. Jerome Bettis ran the ball 5 times for one fucking yard and THREE touchdowns. Never before had a worthless throwaway performance enraged so many fantasy football players. But a close #2 came to the forefront this past weekend and, of course, I was effected negatively by it.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes straight up the prison-raped ass of Browns RB Jamal Lewis.

I know what you're thinking...complaining about fantasy football is for toolboxes. Well, it's my blog and I can bitch about stuff that matters to me as much as I want. Wouldn't you be a bit upset if one of the five worst starting running backs in the league threw up this disgraceful line:

20 carries for 37 yards and FOUR touchdowns.

Four touchdowns. Jamal Lewis. A guy that Brian Billick didn't even want and he knows nothing about running a football team (please see last night's almost record setting performance for offensive ineptitude).

Let me set the scene for you here. I've been struggling in the league that I run. I battled back to 4-4 even with a lineup of Shaun Alexander, McNabb, and Marvin Harrison. I've been battling all year. This past weekend, I'm taking on the league redheaded roommate who has been riding the semen-stained coattails of Thomas Brady all season long. He has admitted that his team sucks numerous times. I know that if the Colts can keep Brady to only 3 touchdowns, I will likely win. Not only did that happen, but since one was to my boy, Wesley Welker, Brady only netted 2 scores. I'm in good shape to pull the upset. Not so fast, my friend. You see, there is a certain convicted coke transporter in Cleveland that had other plans.

After his first touchdown, I'm thinking I'm still ok, even a retard can get laid. After #2, I'm starting rip my chest hair out. After #3, I'm going all Lattimer in our parking lot by breaking car windows with my head and screaming "STARTING DEFENSE, PLACE AT THE TABLE!!!" And then after #4, with blood still gushing down my forehead, I walked into the garage and shoved a ladder up my ass. Because that's what it feels like to have Jamal Lewis score 4 touchdowns against you.

I guess you could say I felt like Mick McAllister during the championship game in Teen Wolf. I started out well during the 1 pm games and got a decent lead even though I knew Tom Brady/Teen Wolf was coming at 4. All I had to do was hold my ground and we were going to win. Then, to everyone's surprise, when Brady does show up, he's not Teen Wolf at all...he's Scott Parker!!! I'm already counting the win. I just beat the top dog. I just beat Teen Wolf! But then I notice that Teen Wolf is getting his other players involved. The grossly overweight and disgusting, Chubby, is making set shots and hook shots and I can't control the damage. Chubby is scoring four touchdowns on the Seahawks defense with his blazing speed. Fuck, it's over. Jamal Lewis is to me as Chubby was to Mick. A complete fucking waste of space that ends up killing you in the big game.

So, Jamal Lewis, even though you should still be in prison, enjoy this week's Middle Finger. You earned it.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Mid America Nattering and check out my first ever interview. With who, you ask? None other than Napoleon High School former QBing great and assistant SID at Central Michigan, Scott Rex.

Monday, November 05, 2007

The Worst of Week 9

We are now officially half way home in the NFL regular season. By now, we pretty much know what to expect from every team. The Browns will be in a shootout every week. Same with the Packers. Preseason darlings, the 49ers, Broncos, Rams, and Bengals are all terrible. The NFC East is hands down the best division (like usual).

So let's get down to it. There were a lot of shitty performances this weekend. Here are the ten worst:

10. Anyone that watched the 49ers/Falcons game - Even if you are a fan of these two teams, I can't fathom how anyone could have watched this game. There weren't even any good fantasy players playing. Seriously, if you count on a 49er or Falcon, you more than likely have a losing record.

9. The Grumpy Old Coaches segment - The new idea for the FOX pregame show to have Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer talk about random stuff with Terry Bradshaw is just plain terrible. Especially Switzer. I honestly think that he has Alzheimer's. Not the hilarious, fake, Larry David Alzheimer's, but the real kind. Terry will ask him to talk about a game and he immediately segues into the 1978 Oklahoma Sooners team. He is all over the map. Truly a brutal segment. I would rather take public speaking classes taught by Shannon Sharpe than listen to one word of this rotten segment.

8. Eric Mangini - Where's your fucking "mangenius" now, Jets fans??? 1-8. The Redskins proved yesterday that they had no desire to pass at all yet the Jets still had no idea how to slow down Portis and Betts. That was pathetic. Man, the Jets are awful. If you didn't think that last year was a fluke for them (which you would be a retard to think otherwise), then now only proves it. Oh, and I've been hammered for not talking about the Browns here, so here you go. You guys are going to experience this same fall from grace next year. That remark alone should get the comments section going!

7. Patrick Ramsey - Ha!!! One of my least favorite Redskins of all time returned to the field yesterday in quite a glorious fashion. If you just looked at a box score, you would think he played OK. He didn't. He was awful. Whether it be fumbling at the 1 yard line for a defensive touchdown or throwing a pick six to a 600 pound defensive lineman, Ramsey was fantastic yesterday. Do the Broncos play the Bengals? If so, the winner of that turd could play the winner of a Seahawks/Eagles gangbang for the title of biggest underachiever of the year.

6. Marvin Harrison - I am a general manager of 3 fantasy football teams. My records are 7-2, 4-5, and 4-4-1. I own Harrison in two leagues. Guess which two? It sucks that he's got a gimpy knee. I feel for the Tyrone Willingham look-alike. But how dare you be a gametime decision EVERY week. Give us fantasy owners something to work with here. If you aren't going to play, LET US KNOW BEFORE 3:30 ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON!!! For my money, Harrison has been the 2nd biggest bust in fantasy this year (#1 is coming up; I also have in the top 5 Maroney, Chad Johnson, and McNabb/Gore).

5. Black Head Coaches (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - Romeo The Brown Mound = Win. Tony "Gay Hater" Dungy = Loss. My boy, Herm = Loss. Marvin Lewis = Another embarrassment. Not a good day for equality. Herm choked away a lead to God's right hand man, Brett Favre, and lost Larry Johnson for awhile. Dungy, who is overrated by the way, took it in the ass from Belicheck again. And of course, the awfulness which is Marvin Lewis sucked again. Bengals front office-types gave Lewis a vote of confidence this week...ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? To steal a line from George Costanza, I think I could coach in the NFL. It doesn't seem that hard to me. If Marvin and Herm and Wade and Norv can do it, why can't I??? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

4. Phillip Rivers/Shawne Merriman - Nice game, Super Chargers. Everyone, even NORV!, knows that the way to beat the Vikings is to throw and make them throw. The Bolts disagree. Hayseed Rivers is fucking terrible. The Chargers defense has apparently never heard about Purple Jesus Peterson. I will say this, as bad as Martyball is, there is no way he would have lost to the Vikings. That's a Norv loss right there...classic Norville Turner. That being said, Adrian Peterson is going in the top 3 in fantasy drafts next year.

3. Donovan McNabb - You fucking suck. If I lived in Philly, and thank God I don't, I would be making molatov cocktails out of Chunky Soup cans and launching them into his windows right now. Then again, Eagles fans are probably already doing this and don't need me for advice on mob tactics anyway. I feel bad for Andy Reid. His kids are in jail and the one guy who he would probably want to be locked up, happens to be throwing ducks for his offense. I hope his shittiness continues next weekend in DC.

2. Shaun Alexander - This 400 pound tub of hangover shit gets my vote for worst player in the NFL. Maybe the history of the league. Have you seen this guy run? He runs backwards, BACK FIRST, through holes. Watching the Browns/Hawks game yesterday (way better than the "big" game), Alexander would get the ball, have a ten foot hole against an awful defense, yet slow down and take a studder step so the defense could tackle him. It was horrific. I'd be willing to bet that his longest gain of the year is 6 yards. And yes, Shaun Alexander is my #1 biggest bust of the fantasy year. This guy is to the TD record as the Jets are to the 2006 season. It's better just to forget about both.

1. President Peyton Manning - First of all, that game sucked. It was boring. The crowd was weak for the significance of the game (I'll give them a little slack since it's hard to cheer when Kelvin Sampson is continually sending you text messages). Brady wasn't good. Manning wasn't good. I should've known it was going to be a disappointment when Billy B was wearing a polo shirt. But seriously, Peyton, that one's on you. With the exception of a swing pass that Joey Joe Joe Addai took to the house, you put up a big fat goose egg (your rushing TD doesn't count, Gomer). The Pats defense isn't even that good yet you looked as confused as Brady Quinn at Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. So to sum up, that game sucked. Enough said.

See you all tomorrow for some Middle Finger-y goodness. Also, my weekly column on Mid America Nattering posts tomorrow...I did my first interview ever!!! One more thing, much props to the alma mater for their big high school football playoffs victory this weekend. I'll be there this weekend...drunk of course.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Box 1, Zumaya 0

The baseball season has finally ended. Every team is back to the drawing board and trying to build a contender. The Detroit Tigers are no exception. The plan to jettison their weasel closer, Todd Jones, has now become a priority to resign him. Why, you ask?

The Detroit Free Press is reporting that fireballer, and likely Jones successor, Joel Zumaya, "underwent a reconstruction of the AC joint in his right shoulder Wednesday in San Diego. The Tigers said Thursday they hope he will be able to return at the middle of next season."

Uh oh. Let's take a closer look at the circumstances surrounding this event and see if Zumaya The Hut is as manly as his 100 mph fastball indicates.

***Wildfires were looming two miles away, Joel Zumaya said, when the Tigers reliever and his family began removing belongings from their home in Chula Vista, Calif., on Saturday. Verdict: Taking care of your family is always a good thing

***Zumaya's father, Joel Sr., had been hobbled by a broken right leg, so the task of retrieving possessions from the attic -- World Series memorabilia included -- was left to Joel, the Tigers' fire-balling right-hander, and Richard, his younger brother. Verdict: Helping out your dad is also a noble act although if the World Series stuff meant anything to him, it wouldn't be collecting dust in the attic. No word yet on whether his brother is as talented as Richard Stamos.

***Joel Zumaya said he reached for one box and pulled it toward him, unaware that a heavier one was on top. The heavier box -- which weighed 50 to 60 pounds, Zumaya said -- fell and struck his right shoulder. Verdict: Stupid since he's the breadwinner of the family and shouldn't be putting himself in this situation, but still on the honorable side of things.

***At various times during the interview, Zumaya expressed confidence that he will return. It's not known how many pitchers have had AC joint separations of this severity -- "If there's been any, there haven't been many," Dombrowski said -- but Zumaya vowed, "I will be the first pitcher to recover 100% from this surgery." Verdict: I wouldn't doubt him. Besides his poor fielding off the mound, the guy seems to have a much better make up than the walking vagina of Carl Pavano.

***Zumaya became concerned when he noticed a bump on his shoulder looked similar to those Polanco and Sheffield had, but with one disconcerting difference: It was twice the size. Verdict: That's disgusting. For close to a week, Zumaya had a hunchback.

***"These pitchers are such fine-tuned machines. They're always riding that thin line between performance and injury. Reestablishing that balance is now up to the athlete and the training staff, and, more often than not nowadays, they're able to come back." Verdict: Nothing really, although this is the point where some old man walks up and starts talking about how "back in his day, Satchel Paige would throw 5 complete games a week. Pitchers just aren't as tough today."

***"It's in God's hands now," Zumaya said, "and I have faith." Verdict: God likely has no money invested into the Tigers and I highly doubt that he cares about a random guy's arm.

But HERE is my real problem (from ESPN as The DFP fails to mention this)...

***"The fires were approximately 2 miles from his home, where he lives with his parents, and his dad has a broken leg and wanted some items from the attic. " Verdict: Joel Zumaya is a pussy ass bitch. Who the hell does he think he is? Bam Margera? How many millionaires live with their mom and dad? That's pathetic! I don't care if he's only 23, it's time to cut the cord and move out. It's not like he can't afford it.

Let this be a lesson to you kiddies out there. Boxes do not appreciate moochers. If you are in your 20's (especially if you are a professional athlete), MOVE THE FUCK OUT.

I do feel bad for Tigers fans though. They have to endure another season of Todd Jones. And I heard that the Michigan trailer parks are running low on Keystone and Oxycontin.

Have a good weekend. The Redhawks better beat Buffalo tomorrow.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Coming Sunday: Frye Hard With A Vengeance

After the wild success of GMoney Sexy Entertainment's first two Hollywood projects, I would like to announce that we here at The Money Shot have developed our third project.

That's right, after Tannen's 23 and Prison Breakers, we proudly bring to you...Frye Hard With A Vengeance!!! It is a story of a young, outcast QB coming back home to exact revenge on a city that turned their collective backs to him. The synopsis:

"It's a quiet Sunday morning in Cleveland, Ohio...until a massive bomb explodes in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, causing several vehicles to flip, and causing several drivers to come to a sudden stop. This throws the Cleveland Browns into a frenzy, trying to sort out what's going on. At the station, Inspector Romeo Crennel of the Browns' major case unit gets a call from a man who calls himself Charlie.

"Charlie asks for Lieutenant Derek Anderson, and Romeo tells Charlie that Derek, who is now an alcoholic gunslinger QB like Brett Favre, is on suspension. Charlie wants Derek to go to the corner of Ontario and Carnegie and wear a racist sign. Romeo and his fellow officers Braylon Edwards, Soldier Kellen Winslow, Jr, and former crack addict Jamal Lewis find Derek, who is seperated from his wife, the Cleveland-born Halle Berry, and they inform him of the situation.

"Jamal tells Romeo that there have been 3 killings in the Coventry section of Cleveland Heights in the past two nights, and 14 dump trucks were stolen from a construction yard in Bratenahl. Derek wants to know where his offensive line is going to be, and Romeo tells him that the line will be on 6th Avenue, 10 blocks away. Derek complains that 10 blocks is too far away for his protection. Romeo tells Derek that Charlie has threatened to throw another bomb if the police don't do what he says.

"Derek Anderson wants to know why he's been targeted by Charlie, but no one knows why. While Derek is in Cleveland Hts, store owner Brady Quinn rescues him from a black street gang that was kicking his ass because of the sign. Derek and Brady find themselves stuck with each other as Charlie continues his antics and forces them to work together; to do what he tells them, but the two QB's turned cops can't stop one of Frye's bombs from blowing up an RTA station, and it turns out that Charlie is Charlie Frye, the former Browns QB who was run out of town prematurely by Derek and Brady. The question now is, is this about revenge on Derek, or is Charlie Frye planning something a lot bigger? And are the Seattle Seahawks in on the terrorist plan?"

Ooohhhh, chilling. Will Charlie Frye and his Clipboard of Doom fulfill his destiny and take back the job that is rightfully his? Will Frye hire the help of Matt 'The Chunky Soup Bomber" Hasselbeck to assist? Or will Romeo Crennel squash this terrorist attack with a few bear hugs?

We'll wait and see. Either way, Charlie Frye has come home, bitches. And someone is going down.

Frye Hard With A Vengeance is rated NC-17 due to the excessive shots of downtown Cleveland, a Brady Quinn/Grady Sizemore sex scene, and Ted Washington full front nudity. It opens in select theatres on Sunday.