Friday, August 31, 2007

A Proud Day In Hilliard

Happy Friday everybody!!! If it sounds like I'm so happy that I'm borderline flamboyant...well I am. Everything is coming up Milhouse this week for this blog. Let's get started.

By now, everyone on the internets has heard of what transpired at last weekend's Hilliard Davidson/Hilliard Darby game. If not, the video is above and totally worth viewing. Davidson senior, Matt Garchar, was served with a mean 3 day in-school suspension for this great prank as well as a semester ban from extra-curricular activities...which is bullshit. Garchar should be commended for his follow-through on this diabolical plan. That being said and since I live in the Darby school district, FUCK YOU DAVIDSON. You guys may have won state last year and won the prank battle, but Darby won the war on the field. The best part roommate (ol' Red)works with Garchar!!!

I TOLD YOU TO BET THE REDHAWKS. Hell yeah. A thrilling come from behind victory in Muncie, IN last night has the Redhawks sitting atop the MAC for the first time in a long while. When Brandon Murphy punched in the go-ahead TD with 17 seconds left, I probably should have been restrained with a straight jacket as the screams and fist pumps were running rampant. It feels good to know my boys aren't going to start 0-7 again. Next up: those bastards from Minneapolis. Time to get a win over a BCS school, the Gophers are going down like a BGSU sorority girl.

Nothing beats sweeping those fucks from Boston. Nothing. Here we go again, hard charging down the stretch. And to be a playoff team again now that Seattle has shat themselves...feels damn good.

The WWE suspended 10 wrestlers for failing their "wellness program"...whatever the fuck that means. Uh oh, Vinnie Mac has got some problems coming up quickly and it has nothing to do with the stupid "bastard son" angle they are doing now. I just hope and pray that Doink The Clown is not in any trouble.

Football starting (Jason Campbell coming back and playing well last night is HUGE) and the baseball stretch drive has me completely overstimulated. Add another fantasy football draft tomorrow and I think my head might explode.

If my head is still intact, there may be another post on Monday. Yes, even I, Johnny Slacker, may decide to blog on Labor Day. Have a safe and happy holiday. By "safe and happy", I really mean, I hope the Buckeyes lose to Youngstown State and the Yankees sweep the D-Rays. Peace, bra.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Redhawk Football: Back On Track

It's never a good sign when your alma mater's mascot isn't even a real animal. That being said, the Miami Redhawk football program opens the season tonight and looks to SOAR (terrible, I know) to the top of the MAC.

Defending our 5th place in the MAC East crown and 2-10 overall record will likely be tougher with both Buffalo and the newly acquired Temple Owls in the division. So there's at least two wins...maybe.

Anywho, the team is supposed to be a lot better this year. Senior QB Mike Kokal (seen to the left getting sacked by Purdue for the 16th time) is very good when he's upright and the health of speedy RB Brandon Murphy is crucial to the offense's success. After losing all-world WR and returnman, Ryne Robinson, to the Carolina Panthers, the receiving corps cupboard is practically bare. The offensive line was a goddamn sieve last season that excelled in racking up injuries, getting penalties by the handful, and having whichever QB still had a pulse to be murdered after every dropback. That being said, I'm totally down with the offense this year!!! We're going to score a ton of points.

The defense should be solid with big time LB that you've never heard of, Joey Hudson, clogging shit up in the middle. The DB's are good. The DL could struggle but apparently there is "depth" this year so who knows. We've struggled to replace God-like punter Kent "Big Boot" McCullough ever since I was in college but Jacob "J-Rich" Richardson should be fine. Trevor Cook is a pretty solid kicker as well.

Sugar Shane Montgomery better get his shit together this year and start coaching to win some damn games. Another mediocre season and I may have to start a "Fire Sugar, Hire Ditka" website.

That being said, the Redhawks are getting 6.5 points tonight at Ball State. It's a statement game for the Redhawks to show the MAC that we are back. BSU QB Nate Davis is the real deal but I truly believe you can mark this one down in the win column for the Redhawks. Let's go with a final score of Miami 30, BSU 24. Moneyline the Redhawks.

Now for those of you that lasted this entire time, how about some gambling advice for the weekend??? It's opening weekend so it's hard to say what is going to happen but I had a good track record last year so you can trust me. Here are a few lines that I like:

Va Tech -24.5 over East Carolina - ECU's QB just got suspended and it's going to be an emotional game in Blacksburg
BC -6.5 over Wake Forest - WF isn't going to catch as many breaks this year
Missoura -5 over Illinois - are you seriously going to bet on Ron Zook?
Oklahoma State +6.5 over Georgia - the Cowboys may not win, but it will be a field goal difference
Pitt -20 over Eastern Michigan - EMU is God awful and won't be able to hang with Wannstedt's mustache
and my upset, moneyline special is....
Georgia Tech +2.5 over Notre Dame - they won't even need the points, Tech is winning this game; their defense is fierce and ND is too young to deal with it.

Enjoy opening weekend.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Wednesday is here again and it's time to unleash another Hump Day Hump to discuss what's going on in the world around us.

***Owen Wilson hates life - I have no sympathy for cowards who try to end it themselves. It must be really tough to be a millionaire, dog-walk tons of Hollywood ass, and make movies. I just can't fathom how hard that could be. But then again, if I starred in Shanghai Knights, I'd probably have bad thoughts too.

***Travis Henry could be your father - Shawn Kemp is getting some competition for the title of "Athlete Least Likely To Use a Condom". 9 kids, 9 baby mama's, 4 different states...atta boy, Travis. Father's Day has to be a traveling nightmare for you. You've been warned, women of Denver.

***Team USA tired of playing like Team Albania - I've watched some of this tournament basically because I love basketball and it's better than watching Steve Levy talk about Mike Vick. The Americans finally seem to be taking this seriously and honestly, it's all because of Kobe. Kobe, when he has talent around him, will NOT lose. He's treating FIBA like a white girl's ass...he is just PWNING that shit.

***World Series of Poker is getting pathetic - Last night while following the Yankees/Red Sox and watching the online-only finale of Pirate Master (worst show ever), I had poker on in the background. Norman Chad was talking about a pro who's name escapes me right now and how he knocked out Jose Canseco. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather see sitting at my table not named Glick. Dear God. Was OJ not available? I just had a great idea, some network should develop a buddy cop drama where OJ and Jose fight crime. They could call it, you guessed it, Juice and Juiced.

***Everyone loves hearing about my fantasy football team - I'm sorry, I'll only devote a paragraph instead of an entire blog. Saturday, I had a 16 team auction draft and ended up with Westbrook, McGahee, T.O., Plax Burress, and Antonio Gates. If this team can't win the league, I should just quit as this was easily the best draft I've ever had (especially in a 16 team league). The next day, for my league's draft, was a completely different story. About 6 times in the first 8 rounds, the guy I wanted got picked one spot before me. Incredibly frustrating. You have never seen anyone more pissed off that Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison were his first two picks. Never. That team is going to suck.

***It begins tomorrow - My alma mater's football season begins tomorrow night with a tough road contest at rival, Ball State. The Redhawks are looking to improve on last year's 2-10 nightmare season and they should. I think I'm going to do a preview tomorrow including gambling advice for the weekend. Mike Kokal for Heisman, bitch. The two most famous alums of both schools have bet on the game. If Miami wins, I get to host the Late Show for a week. If Ball State wins, David Letterman gets to guest blog and gives me Shingles.

That's enough for today. Beat the Red Sox.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Thank You, Detroit Tigers

I've hammered the Detroit Tigers and their fans a lot on this blog in the past. But today, I have nothing but gratitude toward the team and people from the worst city in America. You've put the final nail in the coffin. You're responsible for ending a mediocre era. In short, you have buried the career of Mike Mussina...alive!!!

Mike Mussina, and also Jason Giambi, has been the poster boy of the post dynasty New York Yankees infidelity. He was the initial "big name" free agent that Mr. Steinbrenner brought in to restore the glory of the late 90's Yankees. And of course, it didn't pan out. He was the beginning of the Yankees complete neglect at building up the farm system and just paying for any schmo who was a free agent.

But with last night's amazing 16-0 loss at Comerica, Mike Mussina's reign of terror is apparently over...and I couldn't be happier. You used to be able to pencil Moose in for 15-18 wins and countless quality starts. This season, all you can count on is crap. His fastball sucks. His once excellent array of breaking pitches are all flat. Baserunners steal on him at will. He can't even get Brandon Inge out for fuck's sake. That's right, the same Brandon Inge that came to the plate to that "I've got the magic stick" song while he played at AAA Toledo even though he's at best a .250 hitter.

So to sum up, thank you, Detroit Tigers. Moose will no longer be in the rotation from now on and we've seen his career get BURIED ALIVE, Undertaker-style. Let's just see if he can stick his hand out through the dirt like the Dead Man to resurrect his career. My guess is, he won't.

Who would've thought I would rather see Kei Igawa on the bump over Moose??? Bring on the Ian Kennedy Era. It can't be any worse than Mussina's 8-10, 5.53 ERA, 155 hits in 123 innings.

At least the Mariners are losing now...

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Middle Finger: Danny Ferry

A lot has happened this offseason in the NBA Eastern Conference. The Celtics have armed themselves with some huge names. The Knicks jettisoned Stevie Franchise and added Zach Randolph. The Nets added Jamaal Magloire and Shaun Williams in the draft. Even Orlando got in the mix by signing Rashard Lewis to an asinine contract. Yet one franchise has done absolutely nothing. My Cleveland Cavaliers.

And that's why I'm giving YOU, Danny Ferry, this week's Middle Finger.

I do owe you some gratitude for building my beloved Cavs into an NBA Finals team. That was one helluva run that I will not soon forget. But the Spurs exposed the Cavs' weaknesses: you have no true point guard that can create, the outside shooting is abysmal, and they can't stop quick point guards.

Your answer...sit around and do nothing.

Thanks a lot, Danny. This team is on the precipice of being strongly considered a title threat and you sit on your hands and refuse to make ANY deal to help improve the team. The Cavs have done nothing. Not one new addition to the roster. You do realize that you have 11 million dollars worth of expiring contracts as well as cheap labor (Drew Gooden), don't you? Get off your fucking ass, quit resting on last year's laurels, and make some fucking moves.

I'm not asking for you to go wild and crazy (cough Danny Ainge cough) by trading for Kobe or some shit. Just do something. There are plenty of players out there that teams would move for the right deal that would fit with this roster and help get the team over the top.

You said that you would work hard to get into the Draft this past season...was that just lip service? Did you just leak that so the media would think that you were in the office as opposed to being out on a golf course? Have some balls and do something...ANYTHING. Give me a reason to believe that you still work for the team.

Danny, there are still some decent players available in free agency. I don't want to believe that you are content with this roster. But as of right now, Danny Ferry, I'm giving you the Finger. It's just so damn frustrating.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Thelonious Rant

I realize that I've talked about Rookie of the Year here before. Guess what, I'm doing it again. When it comes down to it, wasn't the internet invented so strangers could discuss Rookie of the Year anyway???

No, but seriously, I'm going to rant about one of the most over-the-top, unbelievable scenes in the history of film. Let's set it up...

It's the last game of the season. The Cubs are playing at Wrigley vs. the Mets back when I believe there were only 2 divisions per league. The Cubs have to win to get into the playoffs.

Chet "Rocket" Stedman, played by the criminally insane Gary Busey, gets the start for the Cubbies and gives them 7 strong innings of loud grunts during every pitch to show everyone just how much pain he's in. After his 7th inning, he hears a pop in his arm and, as he tells his manager (who was hilarious by the way), "Stick a fork in me, I'm done."

The 8th and 9th belong to young Henry Rowengartner. Henry is played by Thomas Ian--no--Ian Nicholas--no--who gives a shit, it was the guy that nutted in Stiffler's beer in American Pie. Henry's cannon arm loosens up after he shows the coordination of a retard and trips on the ball coming out for the 9th inning. He has to pitch the 9th without a 100 mph heater. So he walks the first guy in the 9th and then exectues the hidden ball trick which hasn't been attempted since Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown. But here's the problem:

The hidden ball trick used in the movie would be considered a balk, because the pitcher may not go on the pitching rubber without the ball. Henry stood on the rubber the entire time the great Neil Flynn (Cubs 1B, Scrubs Janitor, The Fugitive Subway Cop) was holding the ball.

He intentionally walks the next guy, too. Henry then mocks the baserunner for being a chicken because he won't try to take second base when H-Dog throws the ball up in the air. Are you kidding me? This is a big ass game and you're going to let a 12 year old pitcher get in your head? And where's the fictional Mets manager during this mess? If I saw this going on, it's an immediate timeout and pinch runner followed by telling the idiot I just pulled that he's fired for being a rube.

Anyway, Henry gets out of the inning by striking out HEDO, found out his mom was a softball-playing dyke and that he was likely a bastard, and the Cubs are headed to the playoffs.

The final scene of this epic has Henry playing Little League again and he makes a game winning catch or something stupid (he was playing RF, I believe, which is where all the coaches stick their worst players). He holds his fist in the air to celebrate the normally unattainable glory of winning a Little League game and you see his World Series ring. Really?

Come the fuck on. The only reason the fictional Cubs were even playing for something at the end of the season was because Henry and Stedman were pitching like bulldogs. But they both got hurt in the final game and were not going to play again!!! Am I really supposed to believe that the team that won the World Series lost their ace and their closer for the entire playoffs and STILL WON!?!?!? Absolute bollocks.

And this is the Cubs for chrissake. They haven't won a title since 1908 and have barely been competitive. Hollywood wants me to think that the one franchise that can handle these kinds of MASSIVE injuries is...the Cubs? They can't even handle healthy players.

AHHHHHH!!! My blood pressure is through the roof now just thinking about this aggregious catastrophe of a movie ending. I'll be back Monday, I'm taking the day off to recover from a weekend of two fantasy drafts in different parts of the state, dealing with Spieth, and a significant amount of cheap beer so it will be a blog from the home base.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Real Men Score 40

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea of a major league baseball team going on a 30-0 run to end a game. It boggles the mind. Especially when that team is 14 games under .500.

Obviously, Orioles starter Daniel Cabrera was dominant last night since he held the Rangers to 6 runs in 5 innings. And that got me thinking, who could the Orioles have pitched last night to get the score to 40??? After some half-assed research of some lesser known shitty pitching performances from yesterday, here's how I would get the Rangers to 40 if I were the O's manager.

Trade for Rockies pitcher, Josh Fogg, and start him immediately. Fogg gave 4 dingers in 3 innings to the PIRATES last night. He also owns this amazing line: 3 innings, 11 hits, 8 ER, and 4 HR's allowed. A perfect starter for this situation.

Trade for Mariners pitcher, Miguel Batista, and bring him in in the top of the 4th. Batista was equally as shitty as Fogg was last night: 2 innings, 9 hits, 8 ER, and a grand slam to Michael "Worst Cleanup Hitter Ever" Cuddyer. Now we're talking, we're way ahead of Cabrera's pace.

Finally, umm, keep the bullpen the way it is, it did it's job last night. I just can't get over this line: 4 innings, TWENTY hits, TWENTY FOUR runs, and 4 HR. Wow. It really makes you wonder why they dug up the corpse of Paul Shuey.

So here would be the line from our brand new, wonderful pitching staff:

9 innings, 40 hits, 40 earned runs, and 9 HR's allowed. Perfect. Peter Angelos, get on this. Make the moves to re-make history.

The Rangers haven't made manager Ron Washington smile much this year (besides that hilarious photo above), but today has to feel good. Well, as good as one can feel when they live under a bridge, think that crack is a meal, and fathered Tyrone Biggums.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Don't look now, but this blog is beginning to develop a weekly format. From now on, Wednesday's will be a bullet-pointed opinion based post called The Hump Day Hump...get it, it's like Digital Underground's early 90's song, The Humpty Hump. Ha Ha Ha, I am so witty and clever. Friday, I am unleashing a new series and now every week, The Middle Finger will appear.

***Leona Helmsley died this week. I don't even know who she is but I do know that she was the punchline for EVERY Kevin Nealon Weekend Update joke from the year 1989-1992. Every single time. It didn't matter, it could be something like this: "The Pope had diarrhea today...and it looked like Leona Helmsley." No one laughed. Nealon is phenomenal on Weeds though.

***All three of my fantasy leagues draft in the next 10 days, including the G$FL which drafts Sunday, and I couldn't be more excited. After last year's absolute debacle, I am certain I will take the crown in all 3 leagues. I'd bet money that BigKatt Adams still wears his Michael Vick jersey next Saturday. Guaranteed,

***Michael Vick is to PETA as Mike Mussina is to pitching. Moose fucking sucks. That being said, fuck the Angels. Every damn time the Yankees go out there, they get freaking donkey-punched. Every time. And the time difference is a killer. The west coast should adapt to our time, dammit!!!

***I watched the ESPN Worthless Fantasy Draft Show last night. Good God, I don't think Sean Salisbury has ever watched a football game. He must just spend his time braiding John Clayton's hair. EVERYONE, if you have the 5th pick, take it from Salisbury, DO NOT DRAFT LAURENCE MARONEY. The value is not there. Sean Salisbury lacks construda. Read that, please.

***Former NBA'er Eddie Griffin was killed in a car/train accident. I'm trying to resist the urge to question if he was masturbating at the time. After all, the late Griffin did have a propensity for Jerkin' and Drivin'.

***And finally, there is a chance that my first two picks on Sunday could be Gore and Bush...dear God, it's going to be another long season.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Middle Finger: Stephon Heyer

I was going to discuss this topic yesterday, but when the revelation came to me Sunday to do a blog where "Marcus Vick tries to break Michael out of jail and FOX has all the action" came to me, this got put on the backburner...until now.

It's not easy being a Redskins fan in the mediocre state of Ohio. There's no local coverage, recently they've been God awful, and a saavy business move in the front office hasn't existed since Bill Clinton was in the White House. But every year I get my hopes up. Every year I predict a Super Bowl title. This year is no different.

I really do believe that Jason Campbell's glorious mustache is the real deal at QB. Seriously. That's why it was so hard to see him (and potentially the season) go down in a heap on Saturday night. And that's why I'm giving YOU, rookie offensive lineman Stephon Heyer, THE MIDDLE FINGER.

I realize that expectations should not be high for an undrafted rookie from an average football program like Maryland. I also understand that very few people can replace an all-pro like Chris Samuels. But is it too much to ask out of an NFL lineman to get a hand on a defensive end during a play that requires a 5 step drop??? Heyer didn't even TOUCH Steelers DL Brett Keisel on Saturday which led to Campbell being scraped off the grass!!! If you've seen the replay, he does NOTHING. He was a fucking sieve.

The 2007 Redskins season could have been over after that one play. I'm not saying that J-Camp is the reincarnation of John Elway, but I've been down the Mark Brunell road before and it ain't a fun ride. And if it's not Brunell...well I don't even want to think about the travesty of a Todd Collins Era.

Stephon Heyer, you have two more preseason games left to not get anyone killed before Chris Samuels comes back. I implore you to focus on getting a hand on anyone rushing the passer. You know, to actually try to block someone.

So Stephon Heyer, before you hopefully get cut, here's to you...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Michael Vick Going To Hollywood


This blogger has learned from it's Hollywood insider people, that Fox is in talks with Michael Vick for a new TV show coming out this fall. Details are still a bit sketchy, but I was able to uncover the synopsis and casting for their new drama titled, Prison Breakers.

DON MEXICO (Marcus Vick) is a desperate man in a desperate situation. His brother, RON MEXICO (Michael Vick), is on death row and scheduled to die in a few months for assassinating the Vice President's dog.

With no other options and time winding down, Don held up a bank to get himself incarcerated alongside his brother in Fox River State Penitentiary. Once he's inside, Don - a joke of a quarterback and an even worse human being who swindled the blueprints for the prison at gunpoint during a 3 Card Monte game gone bad - begins to execute an elaborate plan to break out Ron and prove him innocent of this sensational murder.

With the help of his cellmate, RAINMAN (Pacman Jones), Don begins to align himself with a disparate group of prisoners, including former mob boss JOHN ABRUZZI (former NBA referee and gambling mogul, Tim Donaghy) and CHARLES WESTMORELAND (Ruben Rivera), a man some believe to be the infamous Derek Jeter locker thief. Another hurdle for the brothers will be to avoid Fox River's most dangerous pedophile, T-BAG (played by former NBA'er and current 12 year old girl plower, Calvin Murphy).

On the outside Don has only one ally, his defense attorney and longtime friend, VERONICA DONOVAN (Tonya Harding) - who also happens to be Ron's former girlfriend. Meanwhile, Don's 15-year-old son who he's never met, HJ (played by one of Andy Reid's kids), is now adrift without his uncle Ron's extremely negative influence in his life.

Rounding out the cast are DR. SARA TANCREDI (ESPN horsefaced anchor, Linda Cohn), whom Don ends up visiting in the prison infirmary more than he should; senior correctional officer BELLICK (Roger Goodell), who is determined to keep a close eye on his new prisoner, and the powerful WARDEN POPE (Atlanta Falcons owner, Arthur Blank), who forges a close, almost father-son relationship with the new convict.

PRISON BREAKERS combines the hope of "The Shawshank Redemption," the camaraderie of "The Longest Yard" and the tense procedure and spectacle of the Jackie Treehorn production, "Logjammin'." This intriguing new series will reveal additional pieces of the puzzle each week as Don Mexico carries out his daring plan to mastermind the ultimate prison break - and solve the far-reaching national-scale conspiracy that landed his brother there in the first place.

Wow. This is going to be good. Fox has really done it this time. I mean, ripping off one of your own shows...brilliance. Keep your eye out for Prison Breakers this coming Fall...ON FOX!!!

Friday, August 17, 2007

2007 The Money Shot College Football Preview

Alright, we're oh so damn close to the start of college football. I have to admit, I'm not the biggest college football fan in the world, in fact, there are about a million people in the central Ohio area that have more passion for the sport than I do. But I'm smarter than that million and I take solace in that.

So, like my boy and former blogger, Drew, who did a top 13 because the teams 14-25 weren't that good anyway, we will be doing a top 11. Cutting even more fat away. At the end I'll also do some bold ass predictions and award winners and maybe a latex fist.

11. Miami University - My alma mater is looking to improve on last season's 2-10 record. We are predicted to be a lot better, some experts have us in the MAC Title Game. That would be phenomenal. Anything would be better than last year. And don't roll your eyes about me putting the Redhawks at #11, it's my fucking school and it's my fucking blog!

10. Louisville - Who knows if Steve Kragthorpe will be able to take these guys even further than Bobby Petrino, but watching a healthy Brian Brohm for a full season should be bonerific.

9. Wisconsin - Don't believe the hype, they have no QB. But with their lack of scheduling anybody with a pulse, I'm sure they'll get to 10 wins. I have no respect for schedule dodgers.

8. Oklahomo - Getting shit on in the Fiesta Bowl will likely make all the returning lettermen so pissed off, that there are going to be more than a few teams who fall victim to their wrath. We'll see if Allen Patrick is up to the task of replacing All Day, too.

7. Florida - The defending national champs caught a lot of breaks last year just to get the chance to bury an overmatched Buckeyes team...this year, they won't. Although, I do believe that Tim Tebow and a healthy Percy Harvin could be insanely great to watch.

6. Texas - Mack Brown is hands down the worst coach ever to win a national title (Phil Fulmer is a VERY close #2). The guy is a fucking moron. "Colt McCoy" sounds like a gay pornstar.

5. Virginia Tech - Yes, I do believe that this school and this team will catch a lot of breaks this year for that shit that Mao Zedong pulled. This will be a feelgood story and I'll be rooting for them to steal one in Baton Rouge.

4. Michigan - This is it. Last chance for Lloyd. All the pieces are there. The schedule isn't too bad, you get Ohio State at home. It's time for Carr and Henne to put up or shut up otherwise they are just another Gary Moeller and Jon Navarre.

3. LSU - If LSU wins the national title, Les Miles will officially replace Mack Brown as worst champion coach ever. I just don't like him. He runs his mouth about my #1 team this offseason for no apparent reason at all. The defense will be rock solid behind Glenn Dorsey but the offense will likely struggle early.

2. West Virginia - NO one will stop Dub-V this season. No one. Their defense may be 11 quadrapalegics as far as I know, I don't care either. White, Slaton, and Schmitt or so damn entertaining.

1. USC - No brainer. Best talent + best coach = best team. The game at Nebraska could be tough but the Trojans have a tendency to destroy out of conference teams. Don't be surprised if they hang 80 points on Stanford due to those retarded comments that Jim Harbaugh made about Pete Carroll.

And the Heisman goes to.....Hawaii QB Colt Brennan. He should've won it last year (he did win my Heisman trophy), this year, everyone follows along and enjoys the ride. The kid is a stud. Also getting invites to NY will be Mike Hart, Steve Slaton, John David Booty, and Colt McCoy.

Things I think...
***Ohio State will lose 3 games this year due to inconsistent QB play.
***Mark Mangino (above) will break the 500 pound plateau.
***Indiana will make a bowl game and James Hardy is the best player that no one talks about.
***John David Booty will be the reason why USC loses a game.
***Notre Dame will finish under .500.
***Rutgers will be undefeated going into the last weekend of the season at Louisville.
***Da U will bounce back in a big way if they can score ANY points.
***This will be Phil Fulmer's last year in Rocky Top, the guy sucks.
***Nick Saban made the right decision.
***Michigan will finally beat the Buckeyes.
***Hawaii will go undefeated but get no BCS love due to their insanely shitty out of conference schedule.
***Colt Brennan will be the #1 pick next year for the Minnesota Vikings.

There you go, can't wait to see the first week Vegas lines!!! Enjoy the weekend.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Wait, She's Not Gay?

I am absolutely befuddled right now. Some website, which I am too lazy to source, reports that Pat Summitt is divorcing...HER HUSBAND. Did I miss something here? I can't begin to possibly fathom Pat Summitt enjoying heterosexual lovin'. Just the thought of her potentially wanting to do me...oh God, I just threw up.

You see, there are two kinds of lesbians. The good kind which features strippers and that one New Year's Eve which Spieth, Rex, and I paid 10 bucks each for something we are likely to never forget. They know who they are.

And the bad kind which usually involves two ladies that are avid LPGA supporters. Pat Summitt has always been the posterchild for what the "bad lesbian" represented for me.

Like I said, I have no idea what's going on anymore. My faith in humanity has been shaken to the core. Worlds are colliding.

I have to give R.B. Summit a lot of credit though for riding it out for 27 years. It can't be easy coming home from work and seeing your wife pee standing up or chipping golf balls in the backyard with a militant-looking woman named Fran whose wardrobe consists of nothing but sleeveless denim shirts.

R.B. Summitt, you are a hero to beards all around the world. Best of luck finding a woman who actually likes and respects your penis. You've earned it.

Bring It Back

Go figure, I love TV. Over the years, I've attached myself to numerous shows that have been ended long before I was ready to see them go. If I had to pick one show that was prematurely cancelled that I would like to see brought back, it would have to be Working.

Working was an NBC sitcom set in a wacky office starring Fred Savage. It also starred the guy who played Kenny Banya on Seinfeld, Shauna from Entourage, and Dana Gould who is best known as a writer for The Simpsons.

Along with the classic Wings and shitty Suddenly Susan, Working was on the USA Network while I was in college during their US-AM block of sitcoms. It was great. I still remember it, two episodes from noon to one every afternoon. I used to delay lunch to watch.

Oh, Fred Savage, how I miss thee. Please come back.

And so I ask YOU, the reader, to leave a note in the comments about which show you would want to come back if you had the choice. Hook it up.

I would also like to apologize for the half-assed post today. Tomorrow, I may do a college football preview, not sure yet, but we'll definitely be back to crank out some goodness.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

TV Review: The Kill Point

Last week, I was sent an email from a marketing firm out of LA inquiring if I would volunteer to review a new TV show for them. Of course, since I love attention, it was an easy yes. So the guys from RocketXL sent me the first few episodes of The Kill Point in the mail and I took them in over the past few days. Since this is my first TV review, I'm going to try and not swear and keep it as professional as possible so that maybe there could be another gig down the line. Because God knows that I love getting free stuff.

I'm using a 4 P's approach to this: The Players, The Plot, The Problems, and The Prognosis. But first, a bit of background. The Kill Point is an 8 part miniseries created by Spike TV that airs Sunday nights at 9pm. I believe that half of the episodes have been aired but there are multiple showings throughout the week.

The Players: The show has some instant star credibility with the casting of John Leguizamo (whose character looks an awful lot like Cubs backup catcher, Henry Blanco) as Mr. Wolf and Donnie Wahlberg as Capt. Horst Calley. The rest of the cast are no-namers with the exception of the nun from Rescue Me who sleeps with anything that moves and the lawyer from Prison Break who was killed near the end of season 1. I would say that playing third bill on the show is the city of Pittsburgh, where the story is set. Besides the ill-fated Norm McDonald show and the classic Tom Cruise movie, All The Right Moves, this has to be the only time ever that Pittsburgh has been used a backdrop. And to be honest, it didn't bother me near as much as I thought.

The Plot: Mr. Wolf has recently been charged in a military court (I believe) for the death of another platoon as he refused to send his boys into a dangerous spot in the Middle East while another went in their stead. The other platoon was massacred and the finger was pointed at him. Wolf and a group of his former soldiers plan to rob the Three Rivers Trust in downtown Pittsburgh. Everything is going smooth with the robbery until the cops are notified and the guys are trapped. Yep, it's a hostage drama. It's Capt. Calley's job to talk them out. Through the first 3 hours, it's a give and take between Wolf and Calley for the most part. Although there is an issue with one of the hostages who is the Paris Hilton-esque daughter of a Pittsburgh real estate mogul (Alan Beck). Beck continues to try and supercede the police to get his daughter freed but Mr. Wolf is not going to give up his largest bargaining chip without a fight. Beck's constant nosiness is rubbing Calley the wrong way.

The Problems: My main problem is that the woman who plays the SWAT leader is TOTALLY unbelievable. She's like a female version of Lt. Carl Winslow from Family Matters! And the mole on her chin drives me nuts. The writers have given me no reason as to why she is leading the SWAT team; if anything, they showcase her incompetence. Also, Wahlberg's character has an annoying habit of correcting people's grammar. I admit that I do the same thing but I don't need to watch a caricature of myself on TV (or do I?). Being a white guy, racial stereotypes don't really bother me as much as other people. I know, I can't dance, I'm over it. But I found it strange that one of the hostages had a gun with him inside the bank and--you guessed it--it's the black guy. Ugh. But besides petty complaints like "why don't all the cops have mustaches", I really have no other issues.

The Prognosis: I'm not just saying this because I want another chance to do this again, I really do believe it. This is an excellent drama. Excellent. I had my concerns when I was told that Spike TV created this show since the network is almost unwatchable, but those feelings were soon vanquished. Generally, I hate John Leguizamo's acting yet he nails the role of the pissed off ex-military guy. Wahlberg is great as the neurotic police captain. Downtown Pittsburgh is a terrific setting for the drama as it's a place that the public NEVER sees on TV/movies. How can anyone not like a bank/hostage plot anyway???

I absolutely recommend this for everyone. Like I said, Sunday's at 9 pm, but keep an eye on the DVR for additional airings. If you watch one, you'll get hooked. And even if you don't enjoy but want to watch it anyway due to my glowing review, it's only 8 weeks long so not a lot of time would be invested. Give it a chance, you won't regret it.

Rating The Kill Point: 8 out of 10 (-1 because no tv show other than The Shield is perfect, and another -1 for the lack of cop mustaches)

If you have time, this hostage game isn't too bad, try it.

Taking A Stand Against Mediocrity

I've had enough. It's time for a change. Every night when I'm tracking scores from around baseball, it's the same damn thing over and over again. The Brewers, Cubs, and Cardinals lose...and lose badly. Yet, come October, one of these shit teams will back in to the playoffs.

It is really sad that the American League could have 2 90 win teams not make the playoffs while the NL Central "winner" hovers around .500. And this isn't just a one year thing either. It feels like this has been going on in the Central for 20 years now. Hell, even the Cardinals last season only won something like 83 games. Worst champions ever.

So I propose this. You treat the NL Central like Notre Dame and the BCS. If no team can finish in the top 4 in the NL, sorry boys, you don't get to play in the playoffs. Is that too much to ask? Is it too demanding to expect some sort of achievement from a major league baseball team? Doesn't it make sense that only the best get to play for a shot at the World Series? Would anyone be upset if the NL playoff field was the Mets, Braves, Diamondbacks, and either the Padres or Phillies? To me, it would be much more interesting and competitive than seeing the Brewers get swept in the first round after losing 16 of their last 20 to "win" the NL Central.

I'm just tired of it. The NL Central sucks. The Cubs spent 300 million this offseason to be 2 games over .500 in mid-August. Well done. It feels like the Brewers haven't won a series since 'Nam. The Cardinals second best hitter, eventhough it is a great story, is a pitcher who forgot how to throw 5 years ago. Enough is enough. I'm sorry, Sweet Lou, Ned Flanders, and Tony LaDUI, you don't belong. There will be no October baseball for you...only wacky Halloween parties (see picture).

Make this happen, baseball fat-cats. Make us all happy. Euthanize the NL Central.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Don't Believe The Hype

We here at The Money Shot have decided to divulge some fantasy football info for you nerds today. I have 3 drafts coming up within the next few weeks and figure that now is a good time to dispense some knowledge. Here comes a list of 5 guys you should hesitate to draft/stay away from...guys that have developed Scott Mitchell Syndrome (a player that will haunt you all season long) this past offseason. Here we go...

5. Alex Smith, QB - I like Alex Smith. I really do. But losing Norv Turner as his offensive coordinator is going to hurt his growth. Norv may be the worst head coach of all time (which San Diego will find out soon), but the guy is money with an offense. The 49er offense will take a hit this year. And you can't forget that there is a HUGE difference when you have expectations. Last year, the 49ers had none and now many media gadflys and pundits are picking them to do some damage. I don't see it.

4. Trent Green, QB - Green has been the most overrated underrated QB over the last 5 years. His arm sucks. Vinny Testaverde thinks Green's arm sucks. He can't move. His O-Line is garbage. Did you see his performance last weekend vs. the Jags? It was fucking awful. You know what, Green may actually be the reincarnation of Scott Mitchell. He would be OK as your backup QB if you have a Palmer or a Manning when you only need him for one week, but if you think he's going to put up 20 TD's this year...enjoy missing the fantasy playoffs.

3. Randy Moss, WR - Moss's skills have declined so much over the past 3 years that it isn't even funny (he was the best college football player that I've ever seen live except for the great Touchdown Travis Prentice and Big Ben). To think that just because he now has Tom "Condom Hater" Brady throwing to him that that will correct his shittiness is fickle. Moss will catch a few deep balls but Brady spreads it around too much to warrant picking Moss in the top 4 rounds. I believe that Moss and Brady can work out well without any tantrums or anything, but don't bank on a 1200 yard, 12 touchdown season. Moss is more like a 1000 yard, 7 touchdown guy now.

2. Any Jet - The Jets caught every break last year. They played a dogshit schedule. Chad Pennington surprised everyone by not dying on the field ala Joe Theismann. They snuck up on a lot of teams. Well, the hunter has become the hunted. This is a 5 win team waiting to happen. Besides Laverneus Coles as your 3rd WR, you don't want any Jets on your team. Mangini's magic ends this year. Keep in mind, who cares what their team record is, is their offense scoring? The answer this year will be a resounding NO.

1. Larry Johnson, RB - Let me just say that I love Larry Johnson. He carried a few of my fantasy teams over the past 3 years. But I hate him this season. Herm Edwards (worst coach ever) killed him last year by giving him somewhere between 400 and 2000 touches. He held out for an extension and apparently is going to be getting paid real soon which should lessen his desire to take hits. The Chiefs don't have a QB with a pulse and their defense sucks. They are a 4-6 win team this year who will be behind in almost every game. How much running is LJ going to do??? Would I take him at 2? Hell no. 3? No. 4? Probably, just because the value is there at that point but he is NOT going to be the fantasy monster this season that he has been in the past.

There you go. Hope you enjoyed it and hope it helped. That's the best I can do today since over my vacation, no one did any of my work. That's the whole point of going on vacation!!! So others will do your work for you. Dammit, gonna be a long day.

Monday, August 13, 2007

John Denver: Not Full Of Shit

What's up, loyal readers? I haven't forgotten about you. I got back from Denver this afternoon, rolling on about 15 hours of sleep since Thursday morning and yet somehow, I'm wide fucking awake and listening to Simmons' podcast. And being that I also took tomorrow off work to veg some more and stew in my own crapulence, I'm doing a late night blog because I likely will not be awake before 2 pm Monday afternoon.

I'm going in a bit of a different direction tonight than usual, I'm breaking down my trip. Roll your eyes if you must, but I promise, the story that I finish with will have you rolling with laughter at the sheer brilliance of my asshole-ness. Let's get going.

First things first, how about that ass-whooping that my Yankees threw on the Tribe this weekend??? Must've been a real nice birthday present for fellow blogger, JBeanie, on Sunday. The Indians are pretenders and over the next two weeks, the mighty Pinstripes will prove to the world that the Tigers are, too. And it must suck for all the haters out there to finally realize how great the Yankees farm system truly is with P-Diddy Hughes and Big Joba throwing bullets while Cano and the Melkster rake hit after hit. This team is for real, nuff said. And I like to think that my boy, D, received his concussion this weekend from a Shelley Duncan forearm bash.

Tiger wins again. Got home early enough to see the back 9 today. Good stuff. Although I am down with Woody Austin's wild fashion sense and unabashed emotion. But let's get to my weekend, shall we?

So the whole purpose of the weekend jaunt to the Rockies was to visit with some friends from back home who had recently started a family in the Mile High. Good times, good to see them again. I won't be naming names due to the final story I will share...not that what I did was technically illegal and I AM proud of myself, but confidentiality is probably greatly appreciated by all.

Unfortunately, I put on about 40 pounds drinking the heavy micro-brews of the area...which still has me a bit bloated. Slamming Fat Tire's, Sunshine's, Blue Paddle's, Dale's Ale, Fiery Dog, and a Greek beer named...that's right, Vergina. Ordering a Vergina at a bar and not having an undercover officer handcuff you is such a welcomed change.

We went up 1000 feet more above sea level on Saturday afternoon and checked out the famous Red Rocks amphitheatre. What an amazing place. I've been to outdoor concert venues in Cincy, Cleveland, and Columbus, and Red Rocks completely blows them all out of the water. Did you know that The Beatles played there only once in 1964 and that was the only concert that summer at Red Rocks that did not sell out??? Enough fact dropping, let's continue.

Hit up Coors Field Saturday night for the Cubs/Rockies game. Really nice stadium except for the absolute shittiness which is Coors Light. Ugh. The peppers, onions, sauerkraut, and spicy mustard brat is the absolute most perfect sandwich has passed The Cuban. Thinking about it is giving me a hard-on. As some of you know, my roommate is a huge Cubs fan. He called me while he was at work and this conversation was had:
Buke: Hey, what's the score?
Money Shot: (in an incredibly monotone voice through the sentence) Uh, 2-2, bottom of the 6th, Rockies have the bases loade----and they just hit a grand slam.
Buke: Fuck...see you tomorrow.

OK, so after the game, leaving real names out remember, Roy, Leon, and I decide to hit up a few bars while the women went home. You know, had a few beers, talked about guy shit (like what is the difference between a coyote and a fox and what exactly is a pilot's work schedule...both started by me), and since The Money Shots were flying out at 7 am, we left early. We hit up the Light Rail (above ground subway for the ignorant) and that's when the fun began. Besides almost being arrested for trespassing and the oh so very important conductor telling me to "get the hell off the train", the hijinks began when we finally started moving.

Pay attention closely now. We hop on and Roy realizes that someone's cell phone was sitting right next to him. The train takes off so it's time to check what's on it. All of a sudden, Roy shows me a pic of the phone owner's freshly shaven Vergina (would've made Larry Flynt smile) which was sent to some dude but had yet to be erased. Excellent. Roy scoured the rest of the phone for more, but that snizz shot was easily the best pic taken. Roy, Leon, and I debated for a minute or so on what to do with this and how we can exploit this for our benefit. Roy decided to re-send it to the dude and his text back reply 3 minutes later was something stupid like "You sent me that last week". Whatever.

So he put the phone back (after wiping his prints off thinking that CSI: Denver had a cell phone crime division). A minute passed. Two minutes passed. I decided, "No, that wasn't enough." I picked up the phone. It was my turn to ruin this girl's reputation, to make this girl cry. And I would not fail. This girl had to pay for not deleting the closeup of her pink taco (which for your information, was like a Penthouse quality "pink" shot, very tasteful, very well done, not grainy at all).

I decided that a few others in her address book would get a surprise pic in their inbox as well. Roy and Leon wanted me to send it to her parents, which I would have in a second, but that was unavailable. Unfortunately, a few minutes later we had hit our stop and all the fun was over. Oh. But not before I had forwarded this girl's vagina to 20 of her friends, family, peers, possible co-workers, hopefully her grandma or the pope...and then ditched it in a trash can 20 miles from where she had lost it. It was the perfect "crime". A perfect fit for a perfect bald beav pic.

The tale was explained to the ladies who, surprisingly, thought this was hilarious...they must have been drunk or anit-Brazilian wax.

Now don't get me wrong, if any of the zero female readers that I have would like to send me pics like that, I would accept and keep them all to myself (I'm laughing maniacally now). But, if you're dumb enough to keep a pic of your own clittorati on your phone, you deserve to explain yourself to 20 people as to why you would send them that. If only she knew it was a different kind of Money Shot that she has never experienced before...

Needless to say, it's a proud day in the life of this blog. I'll be back at work on Tuesday, enjoy this post and forward it on to whoever you'd like. I need some sleep.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

A Man Can Dream, Can't He?

One more before I hit the airport...

I've been thinking about what would make the trip out to Colorado the most awesome experience ever.

And it got me thinking about the classic 80's teen sex romp in the snow flick, Ski School. How great would it be to get hammered, play pranks on the uppity rich guys, slack off at work, and hammer whores???

There are no plans to hit any slopes because I never want to ski again and I like having unbroken legs, but I can't stop thinking of the movie nonetheless. I guess I'll settle for a Saturday night Rich Hill vs. Josh Fogg matchup...

Man, I really need to see Ski School again.

On that note...CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!!

Ranking The Yankees

I said I was going to do this, and here it is. I rank the value of the players on the Yankees. I promise, if you make it to the end of this blog, it will be worth it. Let's get going, from worst to first...

25. Kyle Farnsworth - if I could go lower than 25, I would. K-Farn flat out sucks dog balls and can only be relied upon to blow leads.

24. Jim Brower - a shoe-in to be the the least valuable on any team that does not feature Kyle Farnsworth.

23. Jose Molina - backup catchers aren't very valuable anyway, Molina is no exception. I have created the nickname "Jo-Mo" for him though.

22. Shelley Duncan - the rookie came up and made an impact quickly with his penchant for hitting dongs, but with players coming off the DL, his role has diminished.

21. Wilson Betemit - I liked this trade, the guy can fill in at any infield position and provides some pop.

20. Andy Phillips - just a solid player, I hope he sticks with the club if/when Doug Mientkiewicz comes off the DL.

19. Johnny Damon - gets paid like a superstar yet remains awful; he shouldn't even be starting due to his sub-.250 average and rag arm.

18. Jeff Karstens - kind of sucks and by kind of, I mean, really sucks; but his role is for long relief and eating innings is a big help not matter how bad you are

17. Mike Mussina - he's the 5th starter in my opinion; his fastball blows and his knuckle-curve has lost a lot of bite, he's just asked to give 6 quality innings.

16. Ron Villone - Now that Mike Myers is gone and Sean Henn is at Scranton, Ronnie V is the lone lefty out of the pen and will be asked to get the big hitting lefties out...may God have mercy on us all.

15. Jason Giambi - now that he's back, he provides what the team sorely lacked, a left-handed masher. But he will be taking at bats away from Phillips, Damon, and the Melkster.

14. Bobby Abreu - Sweet Pea has been up and down but if he can continue to get on base, he will always be an asset.

13. Joba Chamberlain - I know he's only pitched in one game but ask the Tigers how great it is to bring a guy in in the 8th inning that can throw 100 mph.

12. Melky Cabrera - Melky gets better everyday, has a 13 game hitting streak right now, and plays a great OF; hopefully Torre also sees this and moves him ahead of Damon on the depth chart.

11. Phil Hughes - The kid is a front end of the rotation starter but just needs to stay healthy; if he does, he would be a huge upgrade to start in a game 4 of the playoffs over Moose.

10. Roger Clemens - continues to have quality starts, not afraid to pitch inside, still intimidating; not an ace in the AL, but a damn good #2.

9. Robinson Cano - Robby is on fire again; one of the best second basemen in all of baseball and hits to all fields.

8. Luis Vizcaino - he's been nails since April, has moved into the role of 8th inning set up man and continues to dominate.

7. Andy Pettitte - a true bulldog, a real innings eater, and a bit more valuable than the Rocket because he's our only lefty starter.

6. Hideki Matsui - Godzilla is scorching fucking hot again and is probably the best player in the league that no one ever, and I mean EVER, talks about.

5. Mariano Rivera - after some garbage outings in April and May, Mo is as reliable as ever and is back to the form of best closer of all time.

4. Derek Jeter - a pro's pro, the guy does everything right; having another great year but has been overshadowed--Shit, just got caught by my boss blogging at work.

3. Chien Minh Wang - the ace, sinkerballer deluxe, has proved he can pitch in the playoffs with the spotlight on.

2. Alex Rodriguez - I know what you're asking, but he's only #2 in my MVY (most valuable Yankee) list.

1. Jorge Posada - he's hitting .340, has been a rock behind the plate, and has caught every crappy pitcher the Yankees have thrown on the mound this year; just a great season and one of the few Yankees who is irreplaceable.

I better get out of here, the boss is pissed. Fuck it. I'll be back on Monday as, like I said Monday, I'm packing up the blog late tonight and heading to Denver for the weekend. Peace. Oh, and I didn't forget about you guys. Meet Mrs. Jorge Posada...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

It's Finally Over

I guess I should talk about a certain home run that was hit last night, shouldn't I? I was going to Rank The Yankees today, but since they made about 50 roster moves yesterday, we're going to hold off on that until tomorrow.

Well, he did it. It was special. San Fran did it up right. A lot of drama. There was some good, bad, and hilarious with the festivities. I'm glad I stayed up to see it. Mike Bacsik now has a legacy even if it does appear that he lacks eyebrows. Let's do this.

The Good: It was a no doubter. Barry was able to swing and go two fists in the air immediately after contact. I loved his speech following when he broke down talking about his dad. Really good stuff. Even if you hate Barry, which most of you do, you had to get chills when he was thanking his father.

Also on the great side of things was the video message from Hank Aaron. Awesome. Just another case of how classy The Hammer truly is. Again, I got chills that he took it like a man and congratulated his successor. If anything, Barry breaking Hank's record has given a whole new generation an idea of how great he was and what he had to go through. I respect Hank Aaron a lot more today than I already did.

I also enjoyed Mike Bacsik taking it like man, dothing his cap to Barry, and getting right back on the bump to finish the inning. Class all the way.

The Bad: This blog is down with the ladies, but why on Earth do the Giants have a female announcer??? I know she's been there for awhile, but a woman's voice can't capture the moment the same as someone like say a Bob Sheppard. Sheppard would have been perfect instead we got "Ladies and gentlemen, wearing the stylish off-white Giants uniform, your new home run king, Barry Bonds!!!"

And what the hell is the deal with the "Road To History" logo that the Giants used (seen above in the background)??? It looks like the logo from CHIPS. Nothing says "Road to History" like a police badge and Erik Estrada.

The Hilarious: It's official. Willie Mays has entered the "I'm Keith Hernandez" stage of his life. Whether it be riding in a pink Cadillac before the All-Star game or wearing a heavy coat on a California August night or wearing his glasses like a fucking martian even though he has nothing to read, the guy just doesn't care anymore. I couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous he looked with his glasses resting comfortably on his forehead. It was priceless.

Anyway, to wrap things up, I hope you enjoyed it. I did. Not because the greatest record in all of sports was broken or that Giants owner, Peter McGowan, looks exactly like SNLer Darrell Hammond, but because it is the last time I will have to watch the Giants play this year.

Thank you, Barry. Now I can get some sleep.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Ol' Ball Coach Hates Book Learnin'

Even as a Redskins fan, I still like Steve Spurrier even if he did set the franchise back 4 years. He's hilarious. He's a hillbilly. I'm sure he uses the term "dad-gummit" a lot. He plays golf instead of working. I bet he'd be a good blogger as well. Ol' Ball Coach took time out from his hocking of Under Armour and DiGiorno to lay into South Carolina yesterday. I'll jump in when needed...

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier blasted the school's admissions process, apologizing to two recruits who signed with the Gamecocks last winter and were denied academic entry this summer.

That is kind of weak. I'm sure these two football players are fine students though that ANY university would be glad to have.

"In my opinion, I still believe we made a mistake," Spurrier said Sunday.

He must be talking about going into a season with Danny Wuerfful and Shane Matthews as your top 2 QB's and wasting a pick on Taylor fucking Jacobs.

Spurrier was angered that receiver Michael Bowman of Wadesboro, N.C., and Arkee Smith of Jacksonville, Fla., were cleared by the NCAA to enroll, yet were turned down by the university. The rest of the Gamecocks football team officially reported Friday for preseason camp.

Camp is underway...CLICK CLACK!!!

"Hopefully, I truly believe this is the last year this is going to happen, because I can't operate like that," Spurrier said. "I can't operate misleading young men."

You misled me, Steve!!! You made me think that you were taking the Redskins back to the Super Bowl, Steve!!! You made me buy a fucking DiGiorno pizza, Steve!!! And of course it isn't delivery, DELVERY IS ACTUALLY GOOD!!! Ol' Ball Coach's grammar really sucks by the way.

However, he said if things didn't change on admissions "then I have to go somewhere else, because I can't tell the young man that he's coming to school here," then not have him admitted.

I didn't mean it, Steve. Come back to Washington!!! Come full circle. Lead us. We all know you can coach in the NFL and that your offense works. Come back and work with the great Jason Campbell. I miss your scent, I miss your musk.

Tomorrow I break down my Yankees, deal with it. I'm taking the 25 man roster and ranking the worth of each player. You'll be surprised whose first and Kyle Farnsworth is dead last.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Tiger Reaffirms His NOW-ness

Big weekend in the world of sports...really big. Milestones were hit, I got drunk, I saw some good movies, people were put in their place...let's break it down.

***Tom Glavine took time out from hugging kids to win his 300th game last night. Why is this bigger than it already should be??? Because unless Mike Mussina's 86 mph fastball has a few twenty win seasons left in it, which it doesn't, this will be the last time someone wins 300 games. Ever. It ain't happ'nin again. I watched the game on the medium screen and was genuinely happy for him. Which is ironic since I've never felt that way for a Met before. Good for him. I have to give props to Cubs fans as well for sticking around and applauding Tommy's career.

***Barry hit #755. Another medium screen game at the casa de Money Shot. I love watching me some history and this was great. The reaction of the Padre fans was pretty good, too. Yes, there were some boo's but I liked how they embraced the greatness of the achievement and many of them cheered. It was like the end of Rocky IV when the Russians were so impressed with the effort and the sheer brilliance of Balboa, that they had to applaud the man. But it paled in comparison to the utter confusion expressed on Bud Selig's face. That was amazing. He works the "I'm old, where am I" face better than anyone.

***A-Rod's 500. This was awesome as well...but for different reasons. That one swing told me, "this team is making the playoffs, this is the beginning of something great." My Yankees are playing better than any team has all season and stand a half game out of the wild card. They are going to the playoffs; the offense is rolling, the starting pitching finally has all the pieces together, and stud-arm, Joba Chamberlin, is coming up this week to complete the bullpen. They may not catch the Red Sox, but there is no doubt in my mind that they are better than the Angels, Tigers, and Indians.

***Rory Sabbatini sucks down humble pie. Let this be a lesson, Rory. Never, EVER talk smack about Tiger Woods. You took a one stroke final round lead and ended the day losing by 8. EIGHT!!! You never try to wake a sleeping giant. Tiger and the Yankees are very similar in this aspect. Go ahead and enjoy it when they are struggling, but never call them out publicly. Because no one likes having a porcupine shoved up their ass. Unless your last name is Quinn. Friend of this blog, JBeanie, attended the final round at Firestone yesterday and I'm looking forward to reading his report today.

***Welcome back, NFL!!! The Steelers donkey-raped the Saints preseason-style last night. I don't particularly give a shit about the Hall of Fame game except for the fact that it wasn't on TV which was frustrating. From all accounts, sounds like my boy, Big Ben, played well in his one series of action. We are less than one month away from the Redskins begin their quest for ring #4. Can't wait.

***The horrific Who's NOW Tournament is finally over. Thank God. Tiger beat LeBron...who gives a fuck. I was discussing with Father Of This Blog almost a month ago the stupidity of this project and that it was obviously going to be Tiger and Bron Bron in the finals. Showing his true Yankee homerism, he thought that Jeter could be up there as well. I immediately ended the conversation by stating, "Let's not argue about this, this is what ESPN wants." And that was the last sentence spoken regarding NOW.

***Finally, I watched a ton of movies this weekend. A ton. Saturday, I saw Batman Begins (very good, first time I'd seen it), The Marine (This was more of a drunk decision as I'd been pounding some Gordon Biersch for a few hours and thought this was a good idea...which it wasn't. John Cena absolutely sucks.), and 300 (badass). Yesterday, I saw The Bourne Ultimatum. It was fantastic. The Bourne franchise fucking rules and the final installment was no different. Incredible.

Site news!!! This week will only be a four post week as Friday morning I'll be packing up the blog and heading to Denver for the weekend. I'll be taking in a Cubs/Rockies game out there as well. Have a good one.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Neifi Learned Nothing

Tigers infielder Neifi Perez was suspended for 80 games Friday after testing positive for a third time for a banned stimulant.

--Everywhere, hillbillies are rejoicing by calling Neifi a "stupid burrito" while watching Atlanta Braves baseball on TBS followed by The Bill Engvall Show.

Under baseball's labor contract, a player cannot be disciplined multiple times for a positive test stemming from the same use of a banned substance, meaning Perez had to take a prohibited stimulant more than once.

--I think it's great that even after two suspensions, he still didn't learn. I do respect his whole "Whatever, whatever, I do what I want" attitude.

The 34-year-old Perez is hitting .172 with one homer and six RBIs in 64 at-bats for the defending AL champions.

--Whatever he's taking, it's not working. Except his hat size has to be about a 9 right now.

"It's not fair," said Perez in a conversation with from his home in Detroit.
"They called three different positives on a 20-day-period. I was using a medicine that was supposedly authorized by the doctors due to a personal condition."

--What's not fair is that a loser like you gets to play baseball for a living. I'm sorry, but chronic depression from being a terrible MLB player, is not a personal condition.

"I went to two different drug stores and they wouldn't sell me the medicine, so someone from the team told me I could use any amphetamine and I started using something else," said Perez. "They tested me during spring training and everything was negative. But then in May I guess I tested positive, but they never told me there was something wrong."

--Maybe they did, Neifi, maybe if you took some time to learn the language of the country which has made you a millionaire, you would have heard that. And it's easy to blame's even easier to blame others, right? Taking the Homer Simpson approach are you?

"I can't care less about the money. I'm worried about my family's honor," Perez said.

--I guarantee your wife is worried about the money. Honor, huh? Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel. Awesome, another Simpsons reference well placed into this topic.

"My conscience is clear", said Perez.

--It was cluttered before, but with fists full of valium and horse tranquilizers, it has become quite clear.

Enjoy retirement, Neifi, we will never here from you again.

Friday, August 03, 2007

The Ultimate Battle of Great Vs. Greater

If you ever have the pleasure of meeting this blogger outside of the internet, you would realize that I go off on tangents quite often about old tv shows that really grind my gears. One of those shows happens to be Saved By the Bell, the quintessential show of my pre-teen youth. One episode that always bothered me was the one where it's Career Day at Bayside. You remember, everyone decides what they want to do when they grow up (and they all end up being successful), except for Slater. His desire to be an amateur wrestler and to not focus on Career Day leads to a revelation that he will become Slammin' Slater in the future and embarrass himself the likes of which have never been seen.

AC decides to take up cooking instead and give up his dream to be an amateur wrestler. He is supposed to face his hated rival, Nedick, from Valley in some championship which is never mentioned. He quits and Screech takes his place as Nedick's opponent. After realizing he was being a gigantic douche, Slater triumphantly returns and defeats the evil, yet awesome, Nedick.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I've always had some MASSIVE problems with this episode. Let's break it down Bayside-style.

***There is no conceivable reason why Nedick would come to The Max to pressure Slater into wrestling (especially at the behest of Zack) because--as Nedick himself points out a moment later--without Slater to wrestle him, Nedick automatically wins the bet he had against Zack, and Zack's dirt-bike. Only in the late 80's would someone wager a dirt-bike.

***When it comes down to it, Slater quit the wrestling team for Home-Ec. Yeah, that's a team captain for you. He was so afraid of HIGH SCHOOL CAREER DAY, that he walked away from the thing he was best at. I bet Major Slater was pissed.

***As his replacement in the championship, for some reason Screech is set to wrestle. Retarded. Screech weighed at least 100 pounds less than Nedick yet was set to battle him for a title in what I assume was the heavyweight division.

***Screech had never wrestled, thus having beaten nobody, and was not even on the team, yet there were no objections that he was getting a title shot. That would've been like an eleven year old me challenging Hulk Hogan for the strap.

***The "championship" match took place in a classroom. That's right. A classroom. I know that high school wrestling isn't really a popular spectator sport, but a classroom??? This is the god damned championship of something!!! I half expected to see Mr. Tuttle take a break from his Driver's Ed. class to referee the damn thing.

***And finally, there is no way that Slater could pin Nedick that quickly. First of all, they claim to be heated rivals yet Nedick gets beat in 6 seconds. I don't think so. Also, Nedick TOWERS over Slater by like 5 inches and outweighs him by 40 pounds. In real life, Nedick destroys Slater then takes Jesse Spano to an uncomfortable the back of a Volkswagen.

OK, there's my beef with the program. If you've never seen the episode, it really is as ridiculous as it sounds. When people talk about the greatest rivalries of all time, why is Bayside/Valley never mentioned??? Oh well, that's a topic for another day. Now I'm just going to sit back and listen to my Bo Revere tape and daydream about Dennis Haskins for the rest of the day.

UPDATE!!! After this amazing blast from the past, my fantasy football team name has been decided. We're going with "Nedick's Revenge". I'm working tomorrow so my faithful get a 6th blog this week...I bet you feel damn lucky.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Enough Is Enough

I've said it before, I'm a Barry Bonds fan. I'm rooting for him. Maybe it's my tendency to like things that the rest of the general population hates. I don't know. But I'm excited for when Hank's record goes down in a blaze of performance-enhanced glory.

That being said, I can't handle watching this Giants team "play" anymore. Has there ever been a worse collection of geriatric has-been's than the 2007 Giants? At least with the Marlins or Nationals or Royals you can see young players getting a chance to progress and improve on a daily basis. Not the Giants. Their front office is apparently trying to win the 1997 World Series with the guys they are trotting out there daily.

But during this Bonds media blitz, the true shittiness of the Giants franchise is being showcased on a nightly basis to the entire world. I mean look at their lineup. Their starting 8 all have AARP cards. The collective defensive range is in the negatives. They can't move!!!

Ryan Klesko hasn't been relevant since the last millenium. Ray Durham. Ray Durham? Was Chuck Knoblauch not available? Omar Vizquel needs a hip replacement. Randy Winn sucked with the Devil Rays. Dave Roberts' entire legacy to the sport was an appearance as a pinch runner...and he's the second best player on the team!!! Pedro Feliz is the worst third basemen of all time not named Casey Blake or Mike Pagliarulo (least favorite Yankee ever).

So I'm asking you, Barry, since you are a die-hard reader of this blog, to hurry up and do this. I just can't bear watching your teammates run the bases in wheelchairs any longer. Put the country out of it's misery. Don't make us watch your team anymore.

***This pic of Bonds that I found is incredible.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Namer's Block

Today's post is all about asking for help. Fantasy Football drafts are less than a month away and I am struggling to come up with some good, tasteless team names. Seriously, I've got nothing. So I'm asking you, the loyal reader to help out.

I started with "Deering Tornadoes" which is a tribute to the show, Hang Time.

I switched to "Bosom Buddies", you know, that awesome Tom Hanks/Peter Scolari joint from the early 80's about crossdressing.

I currently am going with the generic "The Money Shot", but I don't want to cripple the good name of my blog if my teams suck this season...which they probably will.

I've got a few possible names brewing, but I'm still not sure. Here's a rundown of what I'm working with, let me know what you think or if you have any ideas as any suggestion is welcomed.

***Rectal Binge - a term used in college by The Assbag to describe what his hangover felt like. The Assbag is also the founder of the phrase, "I was going to get you something for your birthday, but I didn't know how to wrap a punch in the face." Also was the name of our intramural broomball team in college.
***Bring Back Reggie Roby - America's favorite black punter. My old boss did one of the finest Reggie Roby impersonations ever. Since I love a good punt, this could work.
***3rd & 18 & Life - This is one of those Wheel of Fortune "Before and After" topics. 3rd & 18 would be an omen for what my team will do this season and 18 & Life is one of the greatest songs Skid Row ever recorded.
***Shelbyville Shelbyvillians - A shoutout to the Simpsons legacy.
***Unlicensed Abortions or Dumpster Babies- This the kind of tasteless quality that is expected from the guy who tries to draft Korey Stringer every year, drafted Jason Collier even though he'd been dead for a month, and named his fantasy baseball team, Cory Lidle Airlines.
***Detachable Penis - An old song by King Missile and perhaps the finest title of all time.
***Punts de Leon - Like I said, I love a good punt. And a good explorer.

Some team names I've had in the past have been Big Floppy Donkey Dick, Big Boners, Nutsack, Hogan Knows Best (champion), Scott Baio's Penis, and Gridiron Maiden.

I guess I'm fascinated with cock, 80's wrestling, and hair metal...what's wrong with that???

Help a brotha out...please.