Friday, June 29, 2007

HO-LY SHIT


I would like to thank fellow excellent sports blogger, Scrap, linked to the right, for submitting my Worst Athlete TV Cameos to CNNSI. I can't believe I got linked!!! This is truly a great day indeed. 2271 hits already and counting. I can't thank you enough, Scrap!!!


This just proves that lying and tastelessness are underrated. Have a great weekend!!!!! I am sooooooo getting fucked up tonight.

The Championship: Sheffield Vs. Lee

The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball PlayerTournament of Champions

It's been a long and arduous road for our two finalists but at last we have our title fight. Representing that American League is Tigers OF Gary Sheffield, who has manhandled his way into the championship round. The National League champion is Astros OF Carlos Lee, who clobbered his way through the Senior Circuit. Who is the toughest player in baseball? That is for you to decide. It's up to you to crown The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball Player Tournament of Champions Champion.

2.) Gary Sheffield vs. 2.) Carlos Lee



While Sheff is a clubhouse cancer and lunatic, you can't discount the fact that he can beat some ass. Not the tallest guy in the world, he makes up for his lack of height with sheer will power and an ability to always be the craziest person in the skirmish. Being related to Doc Gooden only helps his unpredictability. And who knows, with him being related to Doc, he could be coked up and that's not good for his opponent. Absolutely manhandled Rondell White in the first round with a barrage of uppercuts, chaw spit, and anti-Latino sentiment. After remembering that his opponent used to be a Yankee farmhand, Sheff easily pummelled his way through Wily Mo Pena. Because everybody knows that Gary hates Yankees. Using that same hatred for Joe Torre's disciples, Sheff pounded Kyle Farnsworth in the AL Final and left him for dead. Yankees fans were quite pleased with this outcome actually. He will need to step up his game to defeat the much bigger and stronger Carlos Lee though.


(Sheff kneeing the life out of Bubba Crosby for invading his space)




Now this is a scary individual. Nicknamed "El Caballo", which is Mexican for "Motherfuckin' Badass". Legend has it that Carlos left Milwaukee not because they couldn't afford him, but because there was no one left in Wisconsin to kill. Wisconsin: Population = 1 (Brett Favre). Lee finished off So Taguchi in round 1 by eating his family...with chopsticks. El Caballo advanced to the Finals by disposing of Cubs backup catcher Henry Blanco by using an assortment of high-flying lucha libre style moves including the huracanrana and enziguiri. Marched into The Finals by dispensing fan favorite, Dmitri Young, after ripping all of Da Meat Hook's hair and eating it. He will need deeper focus in the championship round though as the National League does not offer any opponent as nuts as Sheffield.


(El Caballo showing the world that he wears space pants because his ass is out of this world)


Alright, the combatants are set for a week-long slugfest, you decide who wears the crown. Poll is up in the top right. Vote often.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Airing of Grievances: 5 Worst Athlete/TV Cameos

I've been thinking about this topic for awhile now. There have been a ton of terrible athlete cameos throughout the years. Fortunately for you, I've narrowed it down to 5. Feel free to let me know if I've missed an unmistakeably awful performance.

5. Derek Fisher (In The House) - I used to watch this show for some reason and I remember that the 2 episodes that he was on were rather shitty. If you don't remember the show, LL Cool J moved in with some family members and his nephew was a bigger nerd than Urkel and the blonde kid from Step By Step combined. If I remember correctly, Fisher, who played himself, was dating LL's sister or something...it was terrible. Derek Fisher??? Was Brian Shaw not available?

4. Rick Fox (Dirt) - Yes, I watched Dirt. Yes, it got pretty stupid toward the end. Fox's character was named, get this, Prince Tyrese. Yeah, the show was pretty over the top. During the series premiere, Fox was caught by photographers getting slammed in the ass by a porn star in his hot tub. Hilarity ensued. Probably not the best role for a former NBA champion to take. Definitely not a good role for a sick-ass blogger to have to watch.

3. Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Macho Man, Kevin Sullivan, Vader, and Jimmy Hart (Baywatch) - I admit, I used to watch the old Baywatch re-runs that USA used to air in the afternoon. I believe the premise behind this gem was that there was a tag team wrestling match to take place on the beach benifiting an outdoor weightroom (if I am thinking clearly here, good lord what a dumb idea). If Hogan and Macho Man's team won, the weight room stayed and if Flair and Vader's team were victorious, they would demolish it or something ridiculous. Needless to say, Hasselhoff and the only guy on the show that was a real lifeguard that looked like my former middle school guidance counselor Jim "Slobberchops" Redd, supported the Hulkster's team. It ended with Hogan and Macho winning and the juiced up meatheads rejoiced. I feel sorry for those that read that last paragraph...but at least you didn't watch the episode.

2. Bill Belichick (Rescue Me) - I love Rescue Me. It's one of the most unique shows on TV. That's why I was so disgusted when Belichick popped up last season out of nowhere WEARING A SUIT. It was that random. I'm pretty sure the scene was an Irish wake or something and the camera is panning around when, BOOM, there Bill is talking to a group of people. It totally ruined the episode for me. I've been trying to find his quote, but I can't. Just imagine him looking like a moron and screwing up the flow of the program.

1. Jim Abbott (Boy Meets World) - This is without a doubt the worst cameo in the history of the world. I will admit that I'm a fan of Boy Meets World (Eric is hilarious), but this episode was so outrageous that I was literally laughing 10 minutes after it ended. OK, for some reason Ben Savage is depressed about how he sucks at sports and he is really small. Out of nowhere, and I mean OUT OF NOWHERE, Jim Abbott comes strutting into the living room with one of those satin Yankees coats on to give him a pep talk. Jim pretty much told him to go fuck himself because at least he has both hands. Words can't describe how terrible this scene was. Terribly hilarious. What were the Boy Meets World people thinking by bringing in Jim Abbott??? And why should I believe that he is Ben Savage's favorite player. I'm smiling just thinking of that show again. Jim Fucking Abbott.

Boy, do I love TV.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Back On The Bandwagon

It's official. For the second time this season, I'm giving up on the Yankees. It's getting to the point now that they are finding new ways to lose. They can't beat any of the crappy teams in the AL East. When the pitching is good, the offense sucks and vice versa.

When it's the end of June and you have the same record as the Cubs, it's time to start considering a fire sale.

Here's what I would do:

**Trade Mike Mussina for a couple of decent, not top level, prospects. Are you telling me that the Brewers or Mets or Braves or Phillies couldn't use an upgrade in their rotation???

**Trade Sweet Pea Abreu for anything. He's a free agent this offseason and he won't be resigned anyway.

**Trade Kyle Farnsworth for a handjob. This is a no-brainer.

**Bring up Home Run Homer--oh, nevermind.

**And finally, and with much controversy, TRADE ROGER CLEMENS to a contender. You can get back a top prospect with a few other decent players. I would bet that he doesn't have a no-trade clause since he wasn't expecting to be traded. Pull it off.

Unless there is some remarkable July coming up, and I don't see it, the Yankees need to be proactive and sell. There's no need to keep some of these guys here for the rest of they year when you are just trying to fend off the O's and Devil Rays.

By the way, 6 of Mr. Burns' "ringers" played for the Yankees at some point in their careers...sucks for Ozzie Smith, Griffey, and Mike Scoscia.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Definition of Karma

Real quick one today since I have the boss's boss's boss's boss coming in today.


Vince McMahon faked his own death for ratings.

Chris Benoit apparently committed a murder suicide with his wife and son.

I'm a firm believer in karma. Next time, maybe Vince will think about the cosmic forces before he concocts some insane, asinine storyline. But he has to live with himself...

Sad story indeed. Hopefully, this wasn't a murder suicide because that's about the most cowardly thing anyone could do.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Must Have Been All That Brain Tonic

Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what happened to some of sports' greats. As Josh and I were watching Little Big League yesterday, which by the way is one of the dumbest movies of all time, a chilling reality came crashing down on me. Whatever happened to Ken Griffey, Jr?

Griffey was once the biggest name in baseball. He was the poster boy for the 5-tool player. Pitchers feared him. Women wanted to be with him, men wanted to be him (who knows, but it sounds good). If he wasn't hitting homeruns, he would just hit gaps and steal bases. He was a machine. And much like Mischa Barton's career, POOF, it was gone.

Now it's easy to say that we don't talk about Griffey anymore because of his injuries. His legs have caused us to push him out of the national spotlight. But hell, even in Ohio, no one talks about him and he's healthy now. The list of Ohio sports figures that are dicussed more than him is growing by the day. LeBron James, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, Jim Tressel, Thad Matta, Brady Quinn, Grady Sizemore, Eric Wedge's mustache from a few summers ago, and Travis Hafner all get more run in the press than Kenneth. How did this happen? Was it all the brain tonic that Mr. Burns made him drink while he worked at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant? Maybe. Was it the fact that he sold out Seattle to return home only to see his skills diminish rapidly? Could be. Is it that Cincinnati is a terrible market and the Reds are one of the worst franchises in baseball? More than likely.

I honestly don't have an answer. The guy is approaching 600 bombs so that should get him in the national spotlight again. Griffey is arguably one of the 5 best talents to ever play baseball and that is not up for debate. In the 90's, if the Mariners were coming to your nearest ballpark, it was a spectacle. But once he moved on to the 'Nasty and his legs gave out on him, no one cared anymore. And that's sad. And I'm guilty of that, too. I have lived no more than 4 hours away from Cincy while Griffey has been here and I've never even remotely thought about going to see him play.

I watched his first at-bat in Seattle on Friday night. I saw the standing ovation the Mariner faithful gave him, it was chilling. I saw him wrap a single by Jeff "worst player ever" Conine and the crowd still cheered. It was truly a sight. It was special. It made me feel like Griffey could still be a spectacle like he once was. That him coming to your town could be an "event" again.

Talent like his doesn't come around everyday. He is easily the most talented OF to play the game since Willie Mays. As he approaches a milestone in his career, maybe it's time to start hyping him up again even though he's on a shitty team. Griffey's having a phenomenal season, too, by the way, but no one outside of southwest Ohio knows that.



And much like he stole a game-winning, walk-off home run from Twins 1B Lou Collins (played magnificently by Timothy Busfield) at the end of Little Big League, maybe it's time we allowed Griffey to steal our attention again. Ken Griffey, Jr. is a legend in this sport...let's give him back the respect that he earned and the coverage that he deserves. Because unlike Mischa Barton, you will care when he's gone.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

NBA Salary Madness!!!

Allan Houston uses Genorthix, dammit.


http://www.hoopshype.com/salaries/new_york.htm

Just look at it. The New York Knicks salary issues. It is hilarious. They have over 50 million coming off the books this summer and they are STILL 30 million over the salary cap. Job well done, Isaiah.

Let's look a little deeper into the finances of the NBA shall we.

***This season, the second highest paid person in the league was...ESPN analyst Alan Houston who hasn't played in 2 years. Oh yeah, he was paid by the Knicks.

***Jalen Rose was receiving checks from around 5-25 different teams.
***Michael Finley is the 3rd highest paid player at over 20 million, but San Antonio only owes him a little over 3 mill...good work, Dallas.

***I don't really want to live in a world where Brian Grant is making over 17 mill per year.

***Larry Hughes is the 18th highest paid player...ugh.

**The Warriors owe ADONAL FOYLE over 27 million for the next 3 years...that might be the worst contract of all time.

***Finally, Charlotte's highest paid player makes 5.25 mill, the Knicks paid 11 guys more than that this season. At least 3 of them were not even on the team.

It really is interesting to look at salary situations and see some of the outrageous contracts that have been signed and now teams are paying for. The Knicks truly are a mess.

Friday, June 22, 2007

AL Final: Sheffield vs. Farnsworth

The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball PlayerTournament of Champions

The first finalist in The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball Player Tournament of Champions has been determined as Carlos "El Caballo" Lee narrowly defeated Dmitri Young this past week. Who will be the American League's representative? Will it be Latino Hater, Gary Sheffield, or the modern day Ricky Vaughn, Kyle Farnsworth? You decide.

AL Final: 2.) Gary Sheffield vs. 5.) Kyle Farnsworth



While Sheff is a clubhouse cancer and lunatic, you can't discount the fact that he can beat some ass. Not the tallest guy in the world, he makes up for his lack of height with sheer will power and an ability to always be the craziest person in the skirmish. Being related to Doc Gooden only helps his unpredictability. And who knows, with him being related to Doc, he could be coked up and that's not good for his opponent. Absolutely manhandled Rondell White in the first round with a barrage of uppercuts, chaw spit, and anti-Latino sentiment. After remembering that his opponent used to be a Yankee farmhand, Sheff easily pummelled his way through Wily Mo Pena. Because everybody knows that Gary hates Yankees.



If this was a toughest pitcher competition, Farnsworth would win in a walk with maybe a little challenge from Zumaya The Hut. K-Farn can really mix it up as you can tell from the pic and has instigated a number of bench-clearers in his day. Will be a tough out for any competitor. And I LOVE the new glasses look. Defeated Vlad Guerrero in the first round with some WWE-style assistance from former teammate Robert Fick. Fick returned in the brawl with Frank Thomas by nailing The Big Hurt from behind with some nunchucks to allow K-Farn to advance to the conference Finals. Sheff knows that Fick could be lurking...will it be enough though.

You decide. Poll is up on the right side again.

This will be the only post today as I am too distraught from my Yankees getting swept by the goddamn Rockies. And I have to work tomorrow, so you'll get another post then. Blow it out your ass if you don't like it.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Opinions Galore

Alright, it's time to get back on the horse and go all humorous on your asses again. I've picked six topics today to discuss, let's get it on.

**Reggie Theus hired as head coach of Sacramento Kings - This is fantastic news!!! I was such an avid fan of his coaching skills on the NBC AM epic show, Hang Time. Seriously, Hang Time is one of the most underrated shows of all time. I would put it right up there with Saved By The Bell and much better than California Dreams. The premise was just too good. Indiana high school basketball comedy!!! Their gym was half the size of a regular court, their best player was a girl, and for some reason NBC cast Anthony Anderson to play the black guy on the team even though he was well over 3 bills! Go Deering High!!! Good luck Reggie Theus, hopefully you have the same success in Sac-town that you had at Deering. And if you don't think he looks exactly like A-Rod, you're nuts.



**Sammy hits #600 - I always like watching history happen live and that happened last night. Who cares if Sammy's had more needles in him than Hellraiser, 600 bombs is 600 fucking bombs. Congratulations, Jason Marquis, on serving up that gopher ball. And how forced was the clapping that Sweet Lou was giving Sammy??? Hilarious. The value of my Sammy Sosa bobblehead just went up.

**Pacman Jones is a model tenant - Portly yes, but smart as a whip (one of my favorite Kramer lines). It looks like Pacman is going to jail. It's about fucking time. I don't think he'll ever play in the NFL again if Roger Goodell has any balls. But the real story here is, has Pacman replaced OJ at the top of the list of guys you would never want to be alone with??? I think he has. Granted, you know you WILL be attending a strip club as opposed to a golf course, but I think the odds are 50/50 that you don't make it home without a few extra holes in your skin.

**The Nextel Cup is going to be The Sprint Cup - Who gives a shit?

**Bills is back in the rotation - With the likely season ending injury of Jason Schmidt, local boy Chad Billingsley is back as a starter for the Dodgers and takes the bump in Toronto today. Excellent news. Chad played for the old man's Legion team a few years back and is the pride of Defiance, OH. I've umpired behind the plate for him before and the kid has some sick shit. Good for him.

**Finally... - This was the most disturbing thing I've read in awhile. In the 1996 NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers selected Wright State PF and waste of space, Vitaly Potapenko, with the 12th pick. The 13th pick??? Kobe Bryant. Go ahead and weep, all hoops fans in NE Ohio. But the white women are ecstatic...you know, due to his tendency to anally rape and whatnot.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Remembering My Coach...

They say bad things happen in three's...

Within the past year, Miami University's famed Cradle of Coaches have lost three greats. Last summer, it was Northwestern coach Randy Walker. In November, Bo Schembechler left us. And yesterday, Indiana coach Terry Hoeppner moved on as well. A lot has been written about Hep's death the last 24 hours and I'm here to offer a somewhat different perspective.

Coach Hep had the longest tenure for a football coach in the long, rich history of Miami University, walking the sidelines for 19 years. How this tribute piece will differ from the others is that I enrolled at Miami in 1999...the same year Coach Hep got his big break and was named head coach.

Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I was the biggest Hep fan. I wasn't. If anything, he would've saw me as an enemy. After all, my college website (which was hilariously awful) called for us to fire him and hire Ditka. But nevertheless, my 4 years in Oxford as a college football-loving drunk was led by Hep and that's something that can never be taken away.

We had our ups and downs in those 4 years. I never missed a home game and Kuehn and I always managed to get one or two road trips in every Fall to support the team. The main issue with the Redhawks in those 4 years is that we had the tendency of Always beating the teams that we should but never accumulating any big wins. I think my real problem about his tenure and the reason I could never jump on his bandwagon was simply because he couldn't beat Byron Leftwich and Marshall. Which is kind of petty. After I graduated in May of 2003, the Redhawks, behind the cannon of Big Ben Roethlisberger, went 13-1 and finished #10 in the nation at the end of the season. There it was, there was my hook, Hep had me. The following year, behind the rag arm, Super Bowl (3rd string with the Colts) winning QB Josh "Hurricane" Betts, the 'Hawks went back to a bowl game but Hep announced before the game that he was leaving to go Indiana and fulfill a dream of his to go back home.

Of course I was hurt a bit. The guy was responsible for building on the foundation that Randy Walker initially laid and took the program to new heights. But he was ready for a new challenge. He left the program way better than when he received it and to that I applaud him.

I told all my Big Ten friends after he went to IU, just watch, he'll get that program to a bowl game and soon. And while the record does not show it, look at the jump in attendance for IU football, the quality of player that was coming to campus, the general buzz around Bloomington, and the upgrade of facilities. In two short years, Coach Hep has turned IU upside down. The football team has a legitimate fanbase now. IU is breaking ground on a new football stadium. He made football in Bloomington relevant again.

I had read on some blogs that there were rumors that he was having complications from his brain tumor again. I hoped it wasn't true. I lost a grandfather 2 years ago to a brain tumor as well and I know first hand the kind of damage it can do. I hoped Hep could fight it. I hoped that he would win the biggest game of his life against his toughest foe. Byron Leftwich has nothing against cancer.

And then I read yesterday that he had succumbed. My initial reaction was "No, no, no. Shit." Coach had passed away.

I was driving home from work last night listening to The Sports Bash and Doug Gottleib had current Miami head coach, Shane Montgomery, on. Just listening to Sugar Shane talk about how much Coach Hep meant to him personally was almost heartbreaking. You can tell just from reading quotes here and there that Coach Hep had an impact on everyone he had ever met. That he was the nicest guy in the world. And that he was a beloved figure to his family, friends, and peers.

A few quotes from some Miami family members:

Dan Dalrymple - Head Strength and Conditioning Coach, New Orleans Saints

Former Miami University Football Player/Coach/Strength and Conditioning Coach

"I always think about Terry Hoeppner's passion, his love of football and his love for his players. He had unbridled enthusiasm and a zest for life and coaching. He has touched the lives of numbers of players and his legacy will go on because of the type of person he was. He had an impact on everyone he met. "

Brad Bates - Director of Athletics, Miami University

"I am forever inspired by Terry Hoeppner--he led by words and actions, from near and far, by example and intellect and as a perpetual teacher and student. Terry was a great teacher, a better coach, an even better colleague and, most of all, friend."

Amber Gerken - Former Athletic Trainer for Redhawk Football and Dear Friend of This Blog

"I can't come up with a particular story per se but you could tell that he truly cared about his student athletes not just on the field but off as well. I have seen multiple coaching staffs in different places, but Coach Hep's seemed to mesh which I am sure had a lot to do with him. He took pride in his job and you could see just how much he loved it. He embraced his university and its community to which his team sang their alma mater too. Even when the hard hits came- like the Marshall incident- he stood tall and persevered through with his head high which isn't always easy. He was a great man- a 'Cradle of Coaches' Coach- and he will be missed. "


Here is a video of my greatest memory of Coach Hoeppner's Redhawks while I was in college. Yes, I was there and yes I ran on the field after the game and talked smack to the Akron players.




Hep, you were MY coach when I was at Miami and I will never forget that...you will be missed. My condolences go out to Terry Hoeppner's family, friends, and the many people who were priviledged enough to meet him.



Rest in peace, Coach.

I Have Nothing To Talk About Today

Seriously. I've been sitting here for the last hour thinking of a topic and I have nothing. One might say I have a case of "Blogger's Block".

But it just dawned on me while googling Yager Stadium (I have no idea why). I've been fortunate enough to take in college football games in a lot of different stadiums across the midwest. I've experienced countless horrible memories inside of the beautiful Miami University's Fred C. Yager Stadium. Which for most seasons, is way to beautiful to have a crappy team playing there.

Big Ten-wise, the blog has made the trek to Indiana, Northwestern, Michigan (terrible fans by the way), Michigan State, and Ohio State (also terrible fans, but in a somewhat good, obnoxious way).

I've been to a bunch of MAC stadiums including the sexual Dix Stadium in Kent and The Rubber Bowl in Akron. You can add Bowling Green Sucks, Toledo Sucks, Ball State, CMU, and EMU to that list. This also means that I need to hit the road for some WMU, Ohio's, NIU, and Buffalo games.

Been to Notre Dame. Tony Rice, bitch.

And in the SEC, I've been to Kentucky and LSU for some Saturday night football.

I will always stand behind my opinion that the LSU night game, where the TI-GO's destroyed my Redhawks during Big Ben's sophomore and my senior years, was the coolest thing I've ever seen. The SEC folks do it up right.

And now I ask you, what is one stadium that you've never been to before, that you're dying to see a college football game in???

Me? I'm a bit of a traditionalist. I would say either a game at Alabama or a game at Texas. Leave your thoughts in the comments section.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Playing GM For A Day: Fixing the Cavaliers

With the NBA Finals thankfully ending last Thursday, it's time to start focusing on how the Cavaliers can reload to get back to the promise land next season and not only win one game, but win them all. I've been pondering all weekend about this in between naps, beers, and golf to figure out the best way to improve the roster while adhering to the salary cap. Here are my suggestions for Danny Ferry and Dan Gilbert.

***Get on the phones - There is no question that the Cavs have some brutal contracts. Between Larry Hughes, Z, D-Marsh, Damon Jones, and Eric Snow, there is a lot of dead money on the roster. Work the phones. If you can find any team out there that thinks either of these 5 could help their roster, do it and do it quickly. Preferrably Hughes.

***Sign Earl Boykins - The major problem for the Cavs this past season was not having a point guard that can create and not being able to defend quick point guards. Well, there is no faster PG in the league than Boykins who, I would guess, would not pick up his player option in Milwaukee: Where NBA Players Go To Die. He would solve both issues in all of his 5'5" glory. And that means you can continue to bring Boobie Gibson off the bench where he is much more effective.

***Anderson Varejao and Sasha Pavlovic are both restricted free agents - The Cavs can match any offer from another team trying to sign either. There should be some strong interest in both players this offseason. I think the idea of signing both is a pipe dream though. The Cavs simply don't have enough money available to do that. So here I am with my philosophy on who to keep. Keep Varejao. Athletic big men are hard to come by and he fits perfectly into the Cavs offensive offensive scheme. Maybe that's not a good thing though. Don't get me wrong, I love Sasha. But he is a lot more expendable than Andy. If they let Sasha go, you still have the backcourt of Hughes and Gibson with Bron Bron on the wing and a bench of Snow, Damon Jones, and Shannon Brown. Shannon needs a chance to play. He's got the talent and showed some spurts in limited action as a rookie, he needs more time on the floor.

***What about the O? - Mike Brown is a straight up merlin when it comes to coaching defense. However, the guy is clinically retarded when it comes to drawing up plays. So why not hire an assistant coach that does nothing but handle offensive sets??? I just saw that Paul Westphal was signed I think in Dallas to run their offense, why can't we do that? It's like the Colts, Tony Dungy handles the defense and Tom Moore runs the offense...they don't overlap and they let each other do their jobs...quite well I might add. Ferry, bring in an offensive mind, this team is on the cusp but they need to run better sets.

***Again, work the phones - Danny, call the Knicks, Celtics, Hawks, Clippers, and 76ers daily and just wait for them to do something stupid and offer for Larry Hughes. They have no self-control. Being idiotic is in their genes. Don't give up on trading him. You can do it.

Look, it isn't that hard to do the little things to tweak this team. They are on the brink of complete Eastern domination. But you can't remain stagnant and expect these guys to keep getting better without addng a few pieces here and there while subtracting a few bad eggs. I trust you, Danny Ferry (I can't believe I'm saying that), now it's time for you to shine.

Friday, June 15, 2007

NL FINAL: Lee vs. Young

The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball PlayerTournament of Champions

After another dominating performance on the AL side from nutjob, Gary Sheffield, the focus shifts back to the Senior Circuit for the fight between the two toughest SOB's that the NL has to offer. The survivor of this donnybrook will advace to the finals of The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball Tournament of Champions.

National League Final: 2.) Carlos "El Caballo" Lee vs. 8.) Dmitri "Da Meat Hook" Young



Now this is a scary individual. Nicknamed "El Caballo", which is Mexican for "Motherfuckin' Badass". Legend has it that Carlos left Milwaukee not because they couldn't afford him, but because there was no one left in Wisconsin to kill. Wisconsin: Population = 1 (Brett Favre). Lee finished off So Taguchi in round 1 by eating his family...with chopsticks. El Caballo advanced to the Finals by disposing of Cubs backup catcher Henry Blanco by using an assortment of high-flying lucha libre style moves including the huracanrana and enziguiri.



Da Meat Hook is one hell of a wife-beating deviant. I was trying to locate his mugshot, this is what you get. He is currently comprising the role of the Golden State Warriors in this tournament, disposing of Carlos Delgado with rather ease with an arsenal of fists and gold teeth. Reached the Finals after Aaron Rowand unfortunately suffocated to death when he was locked in face first into Young's asscrack. Dmitri has been training with fellow wife-beater and Cleveland legend, Jim Brown, to learn the finer points of woman-hurting. Will it work or won't it, who knows, but I do know that El Caballo's stable of bitches better stay far away from Da Meat Hook.

Who Wins, you decide, the poll is up on the right side again. Good idea by me, led to a lot more votes last week.

We Did Belong

The NBA season is now over. My Cavaliers were swept by the Spurs juggernaut. I've come to grips with it. I've accepted it. I've moved on.

Did they play well? Absolutely not.
Did they shoot well? Look at the fucking stats.
Did they play with heart? I would say yes.
Did they gain a ton of valuable experience? You better believe it.
Did they belong in the Finals? Most would say no but I disagree. There isn't one team in the East that would've won a game against that team.
Is Tony Parker a massive douchebag? Just see my blog from Monday to answer that one.

So what is my opinion, you ask?

I am disappointed with the outcome, no doubt, but I am proud of our guys. They will be back. They will have to live with the taste of the sweep and media criticism all summer long and it should help with their focus for next season to never let that happen again. To be honest, I don't think major changes are in order. Tweak the roster a bit, but that's about it. But that topic is for another day (next week sometime).

It was a fun season though. It reminds me a lot of the 2003 Yankees team. The important thing, at least for me, was to keep the Red Sox out of the World Series and with one swing of Aaron Boone's bat, that was accomplished. Now, they went on to lose the World Series to the Marlins but it didn't really matter as much since they knocked those chowderheads out in the ALCS.

Same thing for my view of the Cavs season. My goal for the Cavs has always been to be proud of the team when their season ends. Knocking the Detroit Pistons out was just like the 2003 ALCS to me. It didn't matter that much what happened next, my season had already been made. LeBron's 48 Special game felt so much to me like the Aaron Fucking Boone home run.

The Cavs got over the hump this season in the Eastern Conference and I fully expect them to dominate the next decade. To hopefully become "Spurs East", you know, the team everyone wants to lose because they are so successful, yet everyone respects what they do.

I'll be back this afternoon with the first conference final in my Tough Baseball Player bracket.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

We Spotted Them 3, Now It's Time To Play

With my Cavaliers on the brink of complete annihilation tonight, I thought it might be best to remind these guys what they are playing for. And with that, I give you...an assortment of Scot Pollard photos that I pulled off Google this morning!!!







Talk about inspirational. I get chills when I look at his "sasquatch" pic.

But in all seriousness, just give me one game where I can be proud of you guys in this series. To show the world, and especially the media pundits, that you do in fact belong in the Finals. If the Spurs clinch in Cleveland, it could be an ugly scene with Tony Parker being murdered, cars being overturned and lit on fire, people throwing ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.

So I say this to you again, Cleveland Cavaliers, PLEASE take this game tonight. I beg you. I don't ask for much from you guys, with the exception of winning every game you play, and all I want now is for you to keep extending your season. Thank you in advance.

Yours truly,

The World's Greatest Blog

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I Think I Hear "Taps"

After last night's onslaught of terrible shots and turnovers, my Cavaliers now stand in the dreaded 3-0 hole. I am not giving up on them yet, but come on, even the most fickle fan can see the white light of this season approaching. Are the Spurs really going to lose 4 in a row including two at home??? I doubt it. This season has, for the most part, been a very enjoyable ride and I hope it doesn't end in Cleveland. DON'T LET THEM CELEBRATE IN YOUR HOME.

As far as this series has gone, what really pisses me off is that not only is San Antonio a way better team, but that they are catching all the breaks and getting all the whistles to go their way. Now hear me out because I believe that blaming the refs for losses is akin to saying that alcoholism is a disease (it isn't, get over it, you're a drunk). But Bron Bron gets raped EVERY time he takes it to the rack and gets whistles about 25% of the time. I'm not even going to bring up the missed fouls on the threes last night (Bron at the end and Gibson at the end of the 3rd which was a terrible missed call). And as far as catching all the breaks, just watch, every time there is a loose ball, it kicks off right where a Spur is standing. Seriously, when balls go squirting, they always go to a Spur. And don't get me started on the 3 point "marksmanship" of Bruce Bowen and Brent Barry. Fuck that. They both suck. LeBron has been a whiter shade of horrible this series by committing stupid fouls and not knowing what a mid-range jumper is. I made this comparison analogy last night during the game to the roommates. Drew Gooden is to the basketball court as Michael Vick is to real life. Just a complete moron.

So the question I've been trying to find the answer to all day is, and yes I do believe in sports karma and that there is a divine being that dictates who is going to have the ball bounce their way in big games/series, Why San Antonio??? Seriously. Their fans suck and need music to be told when to cheer. They are killing the NBA. Their biggest superstar is a mexican bitch who isn't half as hot as she thinks she is. Why do the Sports Gods continue to shit on Cleveland (and also Buffalo, San Diego, and Philly)??? Clevelanders are some of the most diehard sports fans in the world, yet never get to experience singing We Are The Champions at the end of any season. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why would MY sports Gods allow the hick city of San Antonio to celebrate a championship for the 4th time in the last decade???

But it's not over yet. I hold out a tiny bit of hope. Yes, I remember it all too well. My 2004 Yankees...it could happen again...maybe...doubtful.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

John Daly Leads A Perfect Life

A few months ago, this blog finally came to fruition with it's first post about OJ. Today, we come full circle with our inaugural "John Daly has some wicked demons" blog. When skanks aren't copping feels on him (great pic I found by the way), Ol' JD has a mountain of problems at home. Here we go:

John Daly told authorities on Friday that his wife tried to stab him with a steak knife, and the golfer had red marks on his cheeks when he showed up to play in the Stanford St. Jude Championship.

--Interesting, this could only happen to him by the way. Steak knives are usually pretty sharp, how did this crazy broad at least not break the skin? Does JD have skin like a rhino or what?

Sherrie Daly said her husband was drinking heavily on Thursday, the night before he called police, and “spun out of control,” verbally assaulting a security guard and breaking the security gate at their home.

--Any youtube video of this??? This sounds almost too hilarious to be true. If you thought the Hasselhoff video was funny, this is 10 times better.

Sherrie Daly said in the court filing that she was awoken that night by her husband making sexually offensive gestures and remarks before sexually assaulting her, causing unspecified injuries.

--Please be more specific, what kind of gestures was JD making? Did he do the "towel rack" trick with his bone? Was he dishing out Danza slaps while you were trying to sleep? Maybe I'm naive, but is it really a sexual assault when it's your wife??? Is "unspecified injuries" code speak for anal leakage???

"Mother would show that Father inflicted injury upon himself by scratching his face,” Sherrie Daly said in the Circuit Court petition. “Father accused Mother of attacking him with a knife and stabbing him in an attempt to cover up his sexual assault of Mother.”

--Does Sherrie Daly only speak in "robot"? This is truly a healthy marriage. Maybe it's just me but every time I see Mother capitalized like that I think of the classic Danzig tune...MOOOOOOTHHHHHEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!

“It’s just not true, Bub. It’s just not true. That’s all I can say,” he told The Commercial Appeal.

--Only John Daly would call someone "Bub". And it was so nice he said it twice, it's just not true.

Asked if he planned to file criminal charges, he said, “Let’s just go with that. Nah. It’s just not true. She did what she did, and that’s all I can say right now.”

--Good for him! This just goes to show that JD loves his bipolar wife and that even after his raping of her and her trying to stab him, he's in it for the long haul. Now go back out there, John, and continue firing those rounds of 79 and smoking 3 packs per 18 holes!!!

YOU DA MAN!!!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Airing of Grievances: Tony Parker Edition

After a head-scratching series finale of The Sopranos and a frustrating first two games for my Cavs in San Antonio, it's time to unleash another Airing of Grievances. This time the victim is Tony Parker. I respect his talent, don't get me wrong, the guy is insanely good, but I honestly don't know how anyone can like this guy. I'm going to lay it out there as to why you shouldn't.

1.) He's French - Why would any American root for a Frenchman who's last name isn't Belford??? Stupid Frog. Nice hat, Tony. Stan the Caddy called, he wants his look back.

2.) He Thinks He Can Rap - Did you hear that crap? Ugh. I'm fine with athletes rapping (I have never wavered on my love for the Shaq Diesel album), but this is so bad. I couldn't even make it through his entire youtube video without cutting off my ears.

3.) His Weird Relationship With Tim Duncan - Something about the way these two embrace each other has me questioning their sexual preferences. Some say it's a big bro/little bro thing, but I'm thinking it's more of a Dominatrix/Gimp relationship. Like after games in the locker room, Tony straps on one of those Pulp Fiction-style ball gags and his teammates run trains through him. He is French you know, I think I mentioned that above, and the French are known for taking it up the ol' dirt road.

4.) His jersey - This started bothering me last night. His jersey is about 7 sizes too big. Everyone else's jersey fits well but Tony's v-neck hangs down below his sternum. It really bothers me. Get a damn uniform that fits, ass, and stop shredding my team's defense.

5.) Eva Longoria - I am so sick of hearing about these two. They suck. Not only is he the bitch of his team, he's also the bitch of that relationship. Listen to their interviews, he has NO say in anything. He does what he's told. He makes Doug Christie look like a man's man. Grow a fucking set, TP.

Would some detect jealousy from this blog toward Tony Parker? I would hope so. I am jealous. He is the exact type of player that the Cavs need and the exact type of player that they don't have the personnel to stop. He is doing a celebrity, too, which is awesome even if I do find her unattractive and disgusting without makeup. Either way, Fuck You Tony, this country hates you more and more each day.

As far as the series goes, ugh, something has to change. I do like the way the team has played in the 4th quarters of both games but I'd trade that in a heartbeat for more competitiveness throughout the whole game. I am encouraged by one thing though. This series, so far, has started just like the series against Detroit in the playoffs last season where they were blown out in both games but made a furious fourth quarter charge in game 2 to get some momentum. That momentum translated into some wins at home and made it a series. Who knows though, this Spurs team is really fucking good. When they are making 3's, they are almost unbeatable. We'll see how it plays out but I do NOT think that San Antonio will be celebrating on our floor come Thursday or Sunday. It just ain't going down like that.

In other news, I'm one game away from allowing myself to talk about my Yankees again. I said I wouldn't until they were back at .500 and lo and behold, we're almost there.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Semifinal #4: Wily Mo vs. Sheff

The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball PlayerTournament of Champions

This will definitely be the most physical and bloody of the conference semifinal matchups. It helps that Sheff has gone completely insane this week by basically calling Latin players idiots. Who will join Kyle Farnsworth, Dmitri Young, and Carlos Lee in the Final Four?

2.) Gary Sheffield vs. 6.) Wily Mo Pena



While Sheff is a clubhouse cancer and lunatic, you can't discount the fact that he can beat some ass. Not the tallest guy in the world, he makes up for his lack of height with sheer will power and an ability to always be the craziest person in the skirmish. Being related to Doc Gooden only helps his unpredictability. And who knows, with him being related to Doc, he could be coked up and that's not good for his opponent. Absolutely manhandled Rondell White in the first round with a barrage of uppercuts, chaw spit, and anti-Latino sentiment. (Not many things in life are better than googling Gary+Sheffield+crazy)



Eventhough he plays for the Red Sox, I like Wily Mo. He did come up through the Yankees farm system. Anyway, Wily Mo is one scary mo-fo. I mean, look at the picture, the main source of food for this guy is wood and he washes it down with pine tar. Yum-a-dum-dum. He also looks like Clinton Portis and that always helps. Wily Mo upset the heavily favored Pronk Hafner in the first round after gouging out both of Hafner's eyes and testicles. What can I say, the man likes to watch people suffer.

Who wins, you decide. I'm going to see if I can get the poll to be up on the right side at the top of the page so you can vote throughout the week. This should be interesting.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Will The Cavs Good Fortune Continue: NBA Finals Preview


Well, here we are. My beloved Cleveland Cavaliers have made it to their first NBA Finals in team history. After the historic ass-whooping administered to Detroit, LeBron James and Company invade The Alamo tonight in San Antonio. What will their fate be? Are Duncan, Parker, Manu and the rest too much? How happy is David Stern? Let me answer all your questions. By the way, all the Spurs logos in their history suck and this Cavs logo from the 70's is fantastic.

Let's break it down.

Will Bruce Bowen slow down The King?
--This is an easy answer, made even easier by seeing how ineffective Tayshaun Prince was, absolutely not. The only person that can stop LeBron is LeBron. Bowen is a great defender, don't get me wrong, but he is used to guarding guys like Kobe and Nash and Josh Howard. He isn't used to guarding 6'8" and 260 pounds of pure man-beast that runs like a deer. Bowen will get exposed this series with backdowns and a lot of hand check fouls when Bron cuts to the lane. LeBron has had a lot of success in his career against Bowen and the Spurs, I don't expect that to stop in the Finals.

Who wins on the glass?
--Both teams rebound well. Duncan and Oberto do most of the glasswork for the Spurs while the Cavs huge starting lineup and Anderson Varejao have helped the Cavs achieve the title of #1 offensive rebounding team in the league. I think the Cavs will control the boards in this series and that should lead to extra possessions, extra shots, and extra Larry Hughes missed jumpers.

Will homecourt matter?
--Yes and No. The Spurs are good and experienced enough to win anywhere. That being said, they've lost two home games this postseason and lost a game 7 at home last season to a team lead by the ever-so-clutch, Dirk Nowitzki. That is something they will never be able to live down. Just from watching the Spurs some this season, I'm not sure their crowd is very rowdy which is good for the young Cavaliers. The Q, however, has been rocking for the whole playoffs and definitely gives the boys an extra jolt of energy.

What about the coaches?
--Classic mentor vs. mentee showdown here. Gregg Popovich is one of the greatest coaches of all time. There is no doubt and no discussion. Mike Brown is beginning to carve his own niche out in the league as a guy that doesn't know anything about offense but can suffocate you into submission on defense. Mike Brown knows 99% of what Pop is going to do. Mike Brown also doesn't have any clue what he himself is going to do. I give Pop the edge here but not by as much as you think.

Give me some off the wall prediction.
--Alright, here is my crazy, bold call for the series. Robert Horry and Donyell Marshall are both awful players that get over 10 minutes a game. They both have no game at all inside the 3 point line. But they are both X-factors for their teams. So I'm saying whoever wins the scoring battle in the series between Horry and Marshall will win the title.

How do the Cavs slow down Tim Duncan?
--You can't completely stop Duncan unless he gets in foul trouble. His only weakness is free throw shooting. So the Cavs shouldn't be afraid to take fouls this series and send him to the line. That also should lead to some sick Scot Pollard fouls. Pollard in the Finals, who'd'a thunk it?

Will David Stern influence the outcome?
--I don't think so. He got what he wanted. The star of the league going against the best team in the league with one of the 10 greatest players of all time nearing the end of his prime. The markets may be small but the interest is high because of LeBron. The ratings will be better than they've been in awhile, although the games should start at 8 not 9. The last thing Stern wants is a sweep though so I see this thing going back to San Antonio for games 6 and maybe 7.

Any unsung heroes?
--He isn't going to score and he isn't going to start, but Eric Snow is my guy to watch. He will be put in to guard Manu and shut him down, which he can do. E. Snow is the only Cav with Finals experience and I think he will play well by controlling Ginobili's drive and flops.

So what's going to happen?
--San Antonio has all the experience, better coaching, better guards, moxie, clutch players, Matt Bonner, and rest on their side. But!!! The Cavs are playing with a ton of confidence right now and have had success against this team in the past. They are not afraid of the Spurs. The Nuggets, Jazz, and even the Suns were and it showed. The Cavs are not. I think tonight is a really good chance to steal a road game since the Spurs haven't played in over a week and will be shaking off the rust early. My prediction is that whoever wins game 1, wins the title in 6 games. And since I'm a Cavs homer, I'm picking THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS TO WIN THE 2007 NBA FINALS IN 6 GAMES. Too much LeBron.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Hot Blogger Bracket

Alright, I need your help. The Ladies... are running a hot blogger bracket and unfortunately I drew some guy that looks like Tim Tebow. If you have the time, vote for the big dawg (that would be me), I at least want to make this respectable. Click the link to help out someone that keeps you entertained in a daily basis.

***UPDATE...ok it looks like this actually IS a pic of Tim Tebow. I knew that no one named Orson was that good looking. Maybe I can squeeze out a forfeit victory.

When Did We Turn Into the 2006 Cardinals?

Since most of my daydreaming this week has been about how drunk I get when the Cavs win it all, it dawned on me who this team resembles...last year's World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals. Think about it. Let's run done the Cardinals postseason run last year. When the playoffs began, no one believed they were a real threat to win the title. They played in a weak conference and were less than impressive winning it. They got in the playoffs by outlasting the Astros the last week of the season. Their pitching staff is a bunch of no-names and has-beens. They have one superstar and a bunch of role players. Their coach isn't that good. They have rabid, knowledgeable fans. Written off against the Mets and Tigers.



As far as the Cavaliers go, NO ONE thought they were a threat to even win the East. The played in a weak conference and, by losing to quite a few bottom-feeders of the league, were less than impressive doing that. They got lucky to get the 2 seed due to Chicago not being able to win in New Jersey on the final night of the regular season. Their roster is full of square pegs. They have one King and a bunch of role players. Their coach is young and inexperienced. They have a rabid fanbase that is dying to celebrate something. Written off against the Pistons and Spurs.

That isn't that far-fetched of a comparison is it??? I can even take every Cavs player and equate them to a player on last year's Cardinals team.

*LeBron James is Albert Pujols AKA The Insanely Talented Superstar

*Larry Hughes is Jim Edmonds AKA The Heart of the Team, plays through pain

*Big Z is Chris Carpenter AKA The Dagger, when they are on you have no chance

*Drew Gooden is Juan Encarnacion AKA The Enigma, you'll take anything positive

*Sasha Pavlovic is Scott Rolen AKA The Glove, plays the best defense on the team

*Daniel Gibson is Adam Wainwright AKA The Closer, when they're in, it's over

*Anderson Varejao is David Eckstein AKA The Scrapper, does all the little things

*Donyell Marshall is Ronnie Belliard AKA Out Of Shape Guy

*Eric Snow is Jeff Suppan AKA The Grinder, does whatever it takes to get the job done

*Damon Jones is Randy Flores AKA The Specialist

*Scot Pollard is Scott Spiezio AKA The Glue, team chemistry experts, most people hate him

*Ira Newble is Jeff Weaver AKA The What The Fuck Guy, how is he in the Finals?

Do you see this? It's pretty transparent. I'll be back tomorrow with my Finals Preview which is hopefully as accurate as my Eastern Conference Finals Preview.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

But I Don't Wanna Be A Pirate

It's that time of year again, the summer TV season. Ugh. Known for it's weak plots/dumb ideas, this is the season where I take a few chances on shows that I would normally never, ever watch. It paid off last year when I took the leap with Hell's Kitchen and loved it. This year, I'm giving Pirate Master a chance.

It helps that former KC Chief RB and Tecmo Super Bowl great, "The Nigerian Nightmare" Christian Okoye is one of the contestants but it still sucks as a whole. This is such a stupid premise. Survivor on a boat for the most part.

Okoye wasn't featured too heavily during the season premiere last Thursday, instead the focus was on a few guys that it appeared actually believe that they are pirates. I can't say enough how stupid this show is, but as I said earlier, it is the summer season and I think I'll stick with it just for the hope that Okoye starts running over the other "pirates".

A couple things I don't get about this crappy reality show:

**OK, so the ship that they live on isn't that big yet the host always pops up out of nowhere. Does this British guy live on the ship with them but just hides in some room the whole day???

**The first guy that got "set adrift", (yeah that's right, they don't even make them walk the fucking plank!) was the weirdest person I've ever seen on a reality show. Although Aaron the big fat Asian guy that cries at the drop of a hat on this season's Hell's Kitchen could move ahead of him. Anyway, the first "pirate" voted off was named John...and his profession that CBS showed us was "Scientist/Exotic Dancer". You can't make up stuff like that.

**I just can't look at these people without thinking that they are ripping off (and doing a poor job) Steve The Pirate from Dodgeball. And what was up with him in Dodgeball anyway? He didn't show up for the finals and Average Joe's almost had to forfeit, yet when he comes back after they won, they immediately accept him and Peter wants to share the "treasure" with him??? He hung them out to dry for fuck's sake!!! I would have told him to go back to Treasure Island, too. It reminds me of the championship game scene in Teen Wolf where Scott shows up right before halftime, not as the wolf because he is selfish, and the coach immediately puts him in the game. Frustrating.

To summarize, this show sucks and if it weren't for Christian Okoye, I would quit now. I totally do not recommend this to anyone...even my many, many enemies.

Monday, June 04, 2007

One On One With Tiger Woods

As I have stated earlier, this blog was given full access to interview the great Tiger Woods this past Saturday at The Memorial. After sitting through a 2.5 hour weather delay, watching an old lady faint 6 inches in front of me, sweating through 2 shirts, and getting escorted off the course by the police, I sat down with Tiger for a heart-to-heart.

G$: Tiger, this is an honor, I want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with me for a few questions.
TW: You only get ten so make them count, and yes, your introduction just counted as a question.

G$: Fair enough. It's been awhile since you've played down here in the Columbus area, what got you to come back down here?
TW: Well, first of all, I had this feeling you would be in attendance and that was big. Secondly, Jack Nicklaus is a class act and puts on a great event. I respect him a lot and when Jack calls and asks you to play because he is tired of giving trophies to guys like Bart Bryant and Carl Petterson, you feel obligate to help him out.

G$: Did you hear about my ejection from the course?
TW: Yeah, it was the talk of the clubhouse. What the hell happened, you know you can't bring cell phones and cameras into a golf event. You should've seen it, KJ Choi and Vijay were reenacting when you got the boot...it was priceless.
G$: Look, ain't no damn cop taking my digital camera. I wanted to leave anyway, I had to rest up for the Cavs game.
TW: Makes sense, LEBRON JAMES SICK!!!

G$: Did you sense my presence on the 10th tee when I was hovering over you from about 6 feet away?
TW: That was you??? I felt a chill down my spine, like when I first met Michael Jordan or OJ Simpson. Like I was in the presence of true greatness.

G$: Seriously, do you ever play your own video game? If so, for some reason I always struggle with Shamus "Mulligan" MacGregor, how can I consistently beat that red Irish prick?
TW: Video games? I'm a billionaire, bitch. I just collect the royalty checks all day and smoke my Kool menthol cigarettes by the pool.

G$: Former Master head honcho, Hootie Johnson, had a reputation of being a racist and sexist man, what was your relationship like with him?
TW: Hootie is the best. Over the years we've developed quite a friendship. It was a little rough in the beginning with him hosting Klan meetings in my room during Masters week and the constant burning crosses hanging in my shower in the morning, but we laugh about that stuff now. Good times, it made me the man that I am today.

G$: What do you have to say to those critics out there that call you a robot whose only focus is on winning?
TW: I don't know many robots that can play golf the way I can? Or attract as many fans as I do? But I'll tell you what, it would be pretty cool to be like Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun. I must kill The Queen. And people that want to criticize me for winning are probably just losers anyway. Who told you to ask that fucking question? Greg Norman? Colin Mongomerie? Sergio? They all fucking suck.

G$: I've got 3 questions left, let's get a little personal; you're a borderline billionaire, but what is your most favorite possession that you can't live without?
TW: Simple. OnStar Navigation. You've seen that commercial where I need to get my red shirt out of my Buick. That wasn't acting, that actually happened. I went out to the first tee and totally forgot that I was only wearing a plain white tee. I looked like Pony Boy Curtis from The Outsiders. OnStar has saved me time after time. Thanks, General Motors.

G$: How are you and Elin doing? That being said, mind if I keep her company or does she still have that restraining order against me?
TW: Elin is doing great and our first child should be coming within the next few months. I'm very excited. I thank my lucky stars everyday that Jesper Parnevik introduced us. We met when Jesper invited me over and Elin was going down on him in his hot tub. As a matter of fact, I've never been with a woman before that Jesper hadn't defiled first. Jesper may dress like a borderline Jon Amaechi, but the guy can pull some quality tail.

G$: That's hilarious!!! Alright Tiger, final question and I'll let you get back to doing whatever is you do. What does Tiger Woods fear?
TW: Tiger Woods fears one thing and one thing only...chest bumping Phil Mickelson. It keeps me awake at night. It consumes my thoughts. Why do you think I tank The Ryder Cup? I don't want to run the risk of my chest caving in.

G$: Priceless. Thanks Tiger and good luck at The US Open.
TW: No problem, keep running your sick-ass blog.

Putting the Nail in the Eastern Conference Finals' Coffin

First things first, the emotion and hysterics shared among the patrons at The Bier Stube in Columbus Saturday was phenomenal. Chest-bumping and high-fiving strangers. Singing "We Are the Champions" and numerous songs by The Who. Ordering shots like they were going out of style. By the way, Josh and I tried to invent a "Cavs Shot". Since the Cavs colors are wine and gold, we were leaning toward a shot containing Merlot and Goldschlager...thank God we settled on Jaegerbombs.

It was a great night. But then I saw footage of what was going on in the streets of Cleveland. And read Chris Sheridan's article on ESPN where he said he had never seen anything like it. The whole city was a frenzy. Non-stop pandemonium running rampant on the shores of Lake Erie. It looked magnificent.

"Outside the arena, it was fans high-fiving police officers, boyfriends embracing girlfriends, husbands hugging wives and a bunch of guys hugging anyone they could find, from their buddies to strangers.

Inside the Q, it was the sight of nobody -- and I mean nobody, from the fans in the premium seats to the folks in the nether reaches of the upper level -- getting up to leave for a full 20 minutes as the Cavs stayed on the court to celebrate the 98-82 victory in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals that sent Cleveland to the NBA Finals for the first time in franchise history."

As a former Clevelander, I still consider myself a North-shorer over a Columbian (?). So this has been a great weekend for us. We finally got over the trash heap which is Detroit and now get a chance to take on the hated Spurs in the Finals. David Stern must be loving this as the Finals will pop some pretty strong ratings with LeBron and Company getting their shot. I can't wait for Thursday, should be some good stuff. I will break down the Finals probably Thursday including a prediction that will surely not happen.

By the way, the picture above where LeBron and Z are hugging each other still gives me chills. Z has been through a LOT of shit with this franchise and LeBron knows how shitty the sports teams in the area have been throughout his life. Seeing those two get caught up in the emotion was something special.

***I almost forgot, and this hurts quite a bit. It's Saturday morning and I'm about 5 minutes away from heading up to The Memorial to watch me some golf and interview me some Tiger Woods (which will be posted this afternoon), when I get a call from a guy I graduated high school with. He told me that he was down in Columbus for state track and he was heading up to game 6 and he had and extra ticket for me if I wanted to go. HOLY SHIT, I'm thinking what are the odds? But I declined like the true puss that I am because I thought about how much money it would cost me to party up in Cleveland Saturday night. It will be one of my deepest regrets in the history of my regret-filled life, I'm sure.

Either way, I'll be back later today with hard-hitting interview transcript with Tiger Woods...that's right, THEE Tiger Woods.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Semifinal #3: Henry Blanco vs. Carlos Lee

The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball PlayerTournament of Champions

After reading about 1000 different articles online today about the greatness which is LeBron James, it's time to buckle down and get the new fight poll up. This week's matchup in The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball Player Tournament of Champions pits 6 seed, Henry Blanco, fresh off his bigtime upset over Adam Dunn, against 2 seed Carlos "Don't Call Me Liston" Lee who defeated martial arts expert/utility OF, So Taguchi. Who joins Dmitri Young and Kyle Farnsworth in The Final Four??? It's up to the voters.

2.) Carlos Lee vs. 6.)Henry Blanco



Now this is a scary individual. Nicknamed "El Caballo", which is Mexican for "Motherfuckin' Badass". Legend has it that Carlos was forced out of Milwaukee not because they couldn't afford him, but because there was no one left in Wisconsin to kill. Wisconsin: Population - 1. Lee finished off Taguchi by eating his family...with chopsticks.



OK, I know what you're thinking...Henry Blanco??? This is more of a sentimental pick to me. Last year while attending a Cubs/Indians game with some boyz, we did a home run pool, I drew the second pick, and I picked Blanco even though he only had one home run and it was June. Why? Because he still rocks the Mexican Mullet, he's slower than Gilbert Brown after a trip to Ponderosa, and he looks like an "essay" or however it's spelled. Throw a backwards bandana on Blanco and you KNOW you're going to walk to the other side of the street. VIVA LA RAZA!!! In an exclusive interview before this match, Blanco called Lee a "Mexican Uncle Tom". Now them's fightin' words!!!

Who Wins, El Caballo or Nachos Libre?
2.) Carlos Lee
6.) Henry Blanco
pollcode.com free polls


See you all on Monday with my exclusive interview with Tiger Woods.

LeBron James Sells Daggers

What can you say? I'm still not sure that that actually happened. What we saw out of LeBron James last night was one of the greatest performances in the history of sports. That was flat out amazing. It was totally worth me showing up 45 minutes late to work today.

Where are the haters now?

That was definitely a game where you will look back years from now and know exactly where you were when you saw it.

Is this series over? I'm not 100% certain that Saturday night is a gimme since the Pistons have a lot of pride. But normal people don't recover from a loss like that. The Cavs look ready, look focused, and are tenacious defensively. This looks like their year.

The Pistons threw their best possible game at the Cavs last night at home and it simply wasn't good enough to defeat The King. They ain't getting 20 points from Webber on Saturday. Awesome.

I think Charles Barkley said it best after the game. "I was on the court when Michael dropped 55 in the playoffs but that was the best performance I've ever seen."

Let's keep it rolling, Cavs, and finish this off.

I'll be back later today with a new tournament matchup.