Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I'm Not Buying This

The NBA world is buzzing right now with the likely trade of KG to the Celtics. Since this blogger's forte is slowly becoming NBA analysis, I would like to be one of the first people to say...I don't think this is going to work out.

Is it good for the Celtics? Short term, yes. Season ticket packages will be going like hotcakes (whatever that means). To have 3 of the top 25 players in the league on one roster is never a bad thing. But, let's be honest, everything that Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers have done as decision makers has been terrible. Why would this be any different?

Bill Simmons is practically saying that the Celts will be in the NBA Finals the next two seasons and I couldn't disagree more with his logic. KG, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce have NEVER been able to lead in the playoffs. Never. All 3 are at the end of their primes. They all need to get 18-20 shots/game. So unless the NBA institutes a new rule that allows multiple balls on the court at the same time, someone is going to get pissed. Simmons compared the team's current direction to the 90's Rockets that mortgaged the future of the franchise to team up Barkley, Olajuwon, and Drexler. Well all 3 of those guys are top 40 players in the history of the league. Stabwound Pierce and Jesus Shuttlesworth aren't even sniffing that list.

Look at what the Celtics have done this offseason. They added KG, Allen, and Big Baby Davis for Wally, Delonte West, Jeff Green, Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Bassy Telfair, Gerald Green, Theo Ratliff, and 2 future first round picks. They've traded away TEN players to add three. Ainge traded an entire starting lineup for KG. Now they are left with one point guard who was in so far over his head last year that he needed a colon flush to get it out of his ass. Their starting center is Kedrick Perkins...that's right, THEE Kedrick Perkins. Their bench consists of stalwarts like Brian Scalabrine and....hmmm....Tony Allen's gimpy knees.

I just don't see how this works. If they expect three guys at the tail end of their primes to each log 40+ minutes a game, they are sadly mistaken. It ain't happening. You need to give these guys a little help and Leon Powe isn't the answer. The problem now is that with these 3 guys, the Celtics can't afford to add anyone decent due to the luxury tax. So they are stuck. They have three superstars who won't be able to get enough shots and the rest of the roster has no experience or flat out sucks.

Let's look at three teams who, in essence, tried going in the same direction that the Celtics are. A.) The 2002 Yankees, coming off the heart-breaking World Series loss to Bob Brenly (worst champion manager ever), added Jason Giambi eventhough he never won anything and was a follower. Let's also bring in Gary Sheffield whose potential reward was worth the risk. Ugh. Steinbrenner quit focusing on the farm system and started trading good prospects for any player that had a pulse. Not good.
B.) Daniel Snyder signing any free agent to the Redskins that ever made a Pro Bowl. Snyder's "fuck the future, Bruce Smith and Deion Sanders still have some tread on the tires" attitude crippled my Skins for 5 years and only now are they starting to do things that successful teams do...like invest in the future.
C.) The 2004 Lakers signed Gary Payton and Karl Malone's corpses to defend their titles and create a super-team. Well, that didn't work out. They should have been swept by the Pistons in the Finals. They couldn't get everyone the touches they needed and it showed with the lack of chemistry. And they couldn't set aside their egos for the good of the team. Sound familiar? And the Lakers had a good coach!!!

Doc Rivers isn't going to be able to handle this. It isn't going to happen, Boston. The Nets and Knicks (that's right, I said it) are still better in the Northeast. This trade helped you pass the Raptors in the division. Congratulations.

In 3 years, the Celtics will be rebuilding again and rightfully be back in where they belong...in the lottery.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Happy Birthday, Bud

Everyone's favorite verbal punching bag turns 73 today. Yep, it Allan Huber "Bud" Selig, Jr.'s birthday!!! First things first, that's the best looking 73 year old I've seen since Suzanne Somers (I am aware that she isn't 73 yet, but you know damn well that she'll look exactly the same then as she does now).

Anyway, Bud, we here at The Money Shot would like to use today's post as a tribute to your legacy in the sport. We're going to run down your achievements and analyze their effectiveness. Ready? Doesn't matter, here we go.

***Created Interleague Play - Great move. The fans love it and this blog does, too. I don't care how many Pirates/Royals series there are, the Mets and Yankees make up for it tenfold.

***The Wild Card - Another brilliant strategy!!! The wild card has made the pennant chases even more interesting and gives a lot of different fanbases hope.

***The "new" Steroids testing policy - Ugh, I guess all that I could find were two positives. Buddie Boy (official sandwich of the gays), deep down you applauded steroids when it brought interest back to the sport in 1998, and now you act like you never knew. Get a fucking clue, Bud. Your new policy wouldn't be necessary if you just policed the sport better 10 years ago. It's funny because it only busts minor leaguers and the guy you want to bust, you can't.

***Created the World Baseball Classic - Not since the X-Games or the Winter Olympics has an event been so meaningless. Quick, who won it last year??? I think it was Japan but I'm not 100%.

***The man behind "THIS TIME IT COUNTS" - Oh, I long for the days when the all-star game was a fun exhibition and did not decide home field advantage for the World Series. I think it was about 6-7 years ago where the AL had both Robert Fick and Randy Winn playing in the last few innings of a tight game. As a Yankees fan, those two were playing a roll in whether home field was at Yankee Stadium in October. Rob Fick deciding where World Series games are played? No thanks.

***Allows Constant Criticism - This is the final nail in Bud's coffin. He lets anyone criticize him in the media with no repercussions. It's almost hilarious what these players and owners can get away with it. Almost on a weekly basis, Gary Sheffield and Barry Bonds throw out some "hurtin' bombs" at Allan Huber "Bud" Selig, Jr. Yet much like McBain's goggles, he does nothing. Think about it this way, you own a big company (you never will if you're reading my blog). Every week, the peons in the mail room send out memos to everyone in the company and community about how you are an ignorant asswipe. But you do nothing. You are the most powerful man in the sport and you do nothing to patrol your employees. Grow a set and start suspending people, Stalin-style.

Once again, Happy Birthday to baseball's version of C. Montgomery Burns.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Ignorant Arena Bowl Preview

I'm not going to sit here and try to convince you, the loyal reader, that I know anything about Arena Football. But, just from watching the Destroyers' Cinderella story through the playoffs, I know two things:

1. Much like regular American football, turnovers kill teams.
2. The team that has the ball last wins.

Like I said, I know nothing, and this could be completely untrue but that's the way The Money Shot sees it.

That being said, I have enjoyed my hometown Destroyers turning into road warriors throughout the playoffs and beating every team in it's path. Sunday at 3pm on ABC is the remaining hurdle on OUR quest for glory. Those bastards from San Jose stand in the way of Matt Nagy, the offensive coordinator that looks like Andy Reid, and the rest of Columbus's finest. What the fuck is a Sabrecat anyway??? It's about as real of an animal as a RedHawk.

Vegas has the Destroyers at 6.5 point dogs...go figure. This Destroyers team has been proving the critics wrong all throughout the playoffs. Tampa Bay, Dallas, and Georgia stood no chance. We are the arena football version of George Mason. But unlike the fightin' Jim Larranaga's, the shoe will still fit come Sunday evening. The Destroyers will win. Again, I have no basis or factual knowledge behind this prediction other than gut feel. The Arena Football title is coming to Columbus.

And if anyone wants to wager on it (I'm talking to you, Zach from The Big Picture, you Sabrecat sumbitch), leave it in the comments. We can do a guest post bet or something if you'd like.

Finally, I will be hitting up The Simpsons Movie tomorrow morning and am ecstatic about it. I leave you with a great Mr. Burns quote from the Springfield Film Festival episode.

Smithers: "People think of you as somewhat of an ogre, sir."
Burns: "I ought to club them and eat their bones."

Have a good weekend. GO DESTROYERS!!!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Middle Finger: Steve Phillips

I'm starting a new series here at The Money Shot, it's called The Middle Finger. It's pretty simple. When I find it necessary, I'm going to call out some douche. That's it.

With the baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony this weekend, I figured I should start by giving Cal Ripken the Finger. Why? He shouldn't be in the hall of fame for at least another 5 years. I laid out this amazing argument for my stance over at OCP a few months ago but it has disappeared and I'm not doing anymore research on that gray-haired fuck. Ripken is a great guy and a great representative of the sport. Too bad he wasn't a great player.

Today, I'm coming after you, Steve Phillips. In case you are unaware, Steve Phillips used to be the GM of the Mets and is now killing brain cells on Baseball Tonight a couple of nights a week. His opinions are often incorrect and his predictions tend to go downhill as soon as they leave his mouth.

I'm not even a Mets fan, in fact, I hate the Mets, and I still can't get over thinking "this guy traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano". How have Mets fans not shanked this guy yet?

Remember those dumbass fake press conferences that he held for each team last year??? What a waste of time. Seeing Phillips act like he's the GM of the Yankees nearly made me shat myself. It was that terrifying. I had nightmares for a week that he would trade Jeter for some Just For Men.

There are only two teams that Phillips will praise: the Mets and Tigers. And he's not even that subtle about it. Of course he's going to suck up to Mets fans to avoid being murdered for burying the franchise and the Tigers are his hometown team (which says a lot...mostly that his parents are likely cousins). Hey Steve, Kruk has no problem hammering the Phils when need be, why not try to be a little more objective.

And finally, Phillips went on the radio last month and said that my beloved Yankees were "D-E-A-D, dead." Good call, Aguatto. I knew immediately after hearing that, that it was on and the playoffs were not going to be Pinstripe-free for the first time in 13 years.

So, in closing, Steve Phillips, you sir are a fucking idiot. Have a nice day.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A Look Back At My Predictions

Yesterday, Marco over at Just Call Me Juice did a post where he re-evaluated his preseason MLB predictions and adjusted them based on current trends. Since I don't want to blog about Vick, Tim Donaghy, Lindsay Lohan, or beastiality, I'm going to do the same.

March - Yankees
July - Ugh, Red Sox
--While the Yankees are playing better than anyone in the world right now, the Red Sox are playing 2nd best. I think the 11 year run is likely over.

AL Central:
March - Tigers
July - Tigers
--They are just too strong for the small market overachievers in the Central.

AL West:
March - Angels
July - Angels
--While their pitching staff may be in shambles, they are still the best team and it looks like the cinderella Mariners are beginning to fade.

AL Wild Card:
March - Blue Jays
July - Yankees
--Call me a homer, but the Indians will fade. The cream always rises to the top, the Yankees will be there in October again looking for redemption at the expense of the Tigers. And Phil Hughes is about a week away...

NL East:
March - Mets
July - Mets
--Pedro is coming back. The offense will find it's way.

NL Central:
March - Brewers
July - Brewers
--I'm not wavering here even after Ben Sheets 90th injury in the past 5 years. The Cubs have put up a valiant effort but in the end will fade.

NL West:
March - Dodgers
July - Dodgers
--My boy, Chad Billingsley, has made everyone forget about Jason Schmidt. Brad Penny will win the Cy Young, too. They are just better than the Padres.

NL Wild Card:
March - Phillies
July - Padres
--While the Padres have the worst lineup in baseball, they do have the best pitching staff.

I'm still sticking with the Yankees over the Dodgers in 6 in the World Series.

Still going to stick with Jose Reyes as NL MVP but switching A-Rod to AL MVP.
Santana isn't going to win the Cy Young with 8 losses in July, I'll pick Dan Haren instead. And my preseason pick of Chad Billingsley to win the Cy Young isn't THAT far-fetched (7-0, sub 3.50 era) but I'll switch it to Brad Penny.

The moral of the story, the Yankees will be there in October again. Count on it.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Out of the Office Tomorrow

Since the only time I blog is while at work, and since I am taking tomorrow for a funeral, errands, and driving, this will serve as tomorrow's post.

Read this and try not to laugh. I dare you. Dubbed "The Steakhouse Incident."

See you Wednesday.

St. Paddy's Day???

I've never wavered from my claim that The British Open is my favorite golf tournament of the year. It looks different because the courses aren't perfectly manicured like they are here. It plays differently due to the conditions. None of the fans attending have dental plans. And most importantly, it ends daily around 1 pm Ohio time...which is a major plus since it doesn't feel like you've completely wasted an entire day.

Yesterday was no different, it was easily the best of the majors thus far this golf season. A lot of high drama between a few Euro's while the Americans hid in shame. I've got to give it up to Padraig Harrington, Sergio Garcia, and Andres Romero for providing such quality programming yesterday. Let's break it down in note form.

--Andres Romero looks exactly like actor Michael Pena (from The Shield and Crash). His back nine card, which featured no pars, was absolutely nuts.

--What can you say about Sergio that hasn't already been said about Phil Mickelson. The guy chokes. At one point he was up 4 strokes and still blew it. He still can't putt. He still makes terrible decisions under pressure. Don't get me wrong, I was pulling for him all week, but good Lord, you just knew he was going to blow it somehow.

--Padraig Harrington looks like the nicest guy in the world. He is cousins with awful QB Joey Harrington and World Series of Poker champion, Handsome Dan Harrington. I couldn't be happier for a guy I've never met. Next to John Daly and Darren Clarke, he is probably third on the list of golfers I'd like to have a drink with. That being said, his deep-throating of 18 was legendary...Van de Velde-esque one might say. That was a titanic fuck-up. And if it's anyone other than the formerly Mr. Martina Hingis, he isn't sleeping with the Maurice Clarett Jug right now.

--The announcers talked about Paddy's cousin Joey yesterday, but why didn't they mention his black athlete cousins, Othella and Al???

--Notice the cornball title of this blog? I immediately went to the dot com after the tourney to see what kind of stupid title they ran since they had used some gems already this weekend like "Serg-ing To The Top" and "Cheery Garcia". Just awful. They went with "Irish Eyes" which is not a Weird Al version of the Jeff Healy Band song, Angel Eyes. I would've went like Yahoo sports did and dub it "Paddy's Day". But I'm just a guy with a blog.

--I believe it was Mike Tirico who said that "a few pints will be drank tonight" when Paddy got out the Irish flag. Look, Mike, the Irish were going to get drunk and fight anyway last night. Now they just have something to celebrate over their normal Sunday meal of potatoes and Jameson. I'm sure their wives appreciated only receiving one black eye as opposed to the usual "daily double".

--It would be on of the greatest days of my life if i heard anyone referred to Nick Faldo on air as Indiana Jones or Han Solo. Especially Han Solo. It would be akin to hearing someone call Elijah Wood, "Frodo". It would literally kill me.

Wrapping it up, great event, can't wait for next year.

***One more note, I've been asked by the good people over at Flyers Fieldhouse to write up a preview on Redhawk Basketball for this upcoming season. Totally looking forward to that. Man, we're going to be good this season. McBain and Company write up a good Dayton-based blog, check them out if you've got time.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Max Power Was Taken, The Money Shot Wasn't

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was going to change the name of this here blog. I was looking for something with a little more pop, a litle more gusto, and a lot more sexual innuendo. I left it up to you, the subscriber, with a poll so you could help rename my blog. Your voice was overwhelming...


Nothing changes, the url is still the same.

The Money Shot is here to stay so keep checking back daily because as you all know, we here at The Shot update every day (except weekends...except when I have to work on Saturday...I am today).

***Big time note here. Earlier this week, I signed up for this British Open challenge contest on Bully Sports. You had to pick 4 golfers and it worked in a best ball format where you tried to get the lowest score. Winning team wins a 3 day/2 night trip to Kiawah Resort + 2 free rounds of golf on the course that hosted the '91 Ryder Cup and '07 US Senior Open. Anywho, after 2 days, I'm in dead....FIRST...in the world. What does this mean? It means that you fucks better be pulling for Tiger (although it doesn't matter since everyone has him in their foursome), Sergio, Angel "El Pato" Cabrera, and Gentleman Jim Furyk to alternate birdies and eagles throughout the course so I can win that trip.

Dad is getting inducted into Ohio High School Athletic Association Hall of Fame tonight...props to pops.

Be back Monday. And as a tribute to me and this blog, give your significant other a big 'ol Money Shot tonight.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Simmons Strikes Back

In what has to be the most pathetic and hopeless feud of all time, it appears that both parties have entrenched themselves in for the long haul. What's that you're saying, "What are you talking about?"

I'm talking about none other than the war of who should be President of Red Sox Nation that has turned into a verbal slapfight. Personally, I would rather be the president of NAMBLA than Red Sox Nation of Necrophiliacs, but this has just been too funny not to discuss.

It started earlier this week when ESPN columnist, Red Sox honk, and linked in my blog roll, Bill Simmons, submitted an entry to become President of the "Nation". Simmons submitted his ten reasons why he should be picked and took a dig at NESN color commentator, chain smoker, and awful announcer, Jerry Remy. Well, during a game this week, Remy addressed the letter and promptly through his application away. Here's convo between NESN teammates Remy and Something Orsillo (courtesy of AA):

Remy: And here’s the one that that bugs me. I’m not going to mention what he says about me, but he says … in other words, if he’s elected, you would never have to worry about his health. He would be able to serve out his tenure. In other words, he’s saying that physically …
Orsillo: You’re day-to-day and could die anytime?
Remy: Well who couldn’t. Everybody’s day-to-day. That really ticked me off when I read that. He’s got a lot of foolish stuff on here that just makes no sense, so Bill Simmons, the sports guy, see this...Buh-bye

You see how petty a Red Sox fan is??? Well, Simmons fired back last night in his podcast before his incredible interview with Michael Wilbon (I listen to the podcast every week, and with the exception of the Adam Corolla interview, Wilbon's was the best by far). I don't have direct quotes but he called Remy out as being a shitty player and made light of his chain-smoking habit. He also wrapped it up by saying that he was thinking about bowing out of the race for President, but not anymore and that he's going after Remy...whatever that means.

Why am I, a known Yankee fan, interested in this??? Isn't it obvious? This is the beginning of the end of Red Sox Nation. Remy and Simmons are two of the most beloved Red Sox figureheads seeing as they are the only Sox fans that are currently employed.

So I can see it now, Sox fans lining up behind Remy and Simmons and settling it all in a grotesque 300-style battle where there are no survivors. Red Sox Nation will completely implode for no reason but two guys having soft skin and fragile egos (I still love Simmons though).

And the rest of us will be declared the winners.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Slandering Teams That I Hate

Today, I'm going to stick it to all the fans of the teams that I hate. Much like The Aristocrats, I'm going to use the same joke to generalize all the inbred greenhorns that don't think the way that I do. You ready? Here we go.

What's the worst part about being a Cubs fan?
--Admitting that you're the town drunk and that on numerous occasions you have had sex with a goat

What's the worst part about being a fan of any Detroit sports team?
--Admitting that you knocked out 3 women in the unemployment line

What's the worst part about being an Ohio State fan?
--Admitting that you are ignorant even though you don't know what that means

What's the worst part about being a Dallas Cowboys fan?
--Admitting that you are a Mexican...too easy.

What's the worst part about being a New York Giants fan?
--Admitting that you think about Eli Manning during intercourse with your sister

What's the worst part about being a Philadelphia Eagles fan?
--Admitting that you've licked another man's mustache

What's the worst part about being a Notre Dame fan?
--Admitting that Brady Quinn is going to be a good NFL QB

What's the worst part about being a Michigan fan?
--Being associated with Luke Glick

What's the worst part about graduating from Ohio University?
--That your diploma is blank since no one in Athens can read or write

What's the worst part about going to Bowling Green?
--Coming back to your hometown over the holidays and introducing it to AIDS

What's the worst part about being a Mets fan?
--Admitting that you've tried to use food stamps at a strip club

And finally...

What's the worst part about being a Boston Red Sox fan?
--Telling your brother that his dick tastes like mom

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I Like Barry Bonds

There. I said it. No, I don't like-like him, you sick fucks. I'm not some random whore mistress...I'm a blogger. So today's lunatic rant is about why I like Barry Bonds and I'm not even a Giants fan.

What else am I going to talk about anyway? Mike Vick's upcoming prison rape? Yao Ming winning the World Series of Poker? The beginning of the Red Sox collapse? Nope, we've waited long enough to express our true feelings about Mr. Bonds.

Barry is a jerk. I get it. I'm not naive. They guy absolutely loathes the media and the feeling appears to reciprocal. But you know what? If I was a big star athlete, I would do and say whatever I wanted, too. If it meant treating the press like shit, then so be it. I would only talk to writers that I had deemed worthy of asking me a question then not really answer it for them. On a side note, how many times has Pedro Gomez called the suicide hotline??? Simply put, if I was an incredible athlete (Golden Tee doesn't count eventhough it should), I would treat journalists the same way. They are trying to kill Barry anyway, he might as well act first.

I don't care about steroids. Not one bit. Steroids helped bring baseball back. They made the game entertaining again. Who cares who did them anyway? We aren't going to care about them in 20 years when the juicers have so much back acne that they can't stand up. Seriously, they have to live with their choices and the consequences...not us, the fan. So enjoy the show. People who complain about steroids are fucking idiots anyway. "Clean up the sport" they say. And they are right, Joe Everyman goes to a ballgame to watch bunts and not dingers. Totally right. I am way off topic. I do think Barry took things, again I will say it, I'm not naive. But the guy is entertaining and should be commended for captivating baseball fans for 20 years. He did whatever it took to stay at the top of his game. It's not like baseball had any policy on steroids at the time anyway.

Couple of quick hitters: He was the last guy to make baseball relevant in Pittsburgh. He's Willie Mays' godson. I never liked McGwire (I was a Sammy guy in '98) and was happy he hit 73. When Barry gets the day off, you can hear a pin drop at the stadium. He tried to beat up Jeff Kent. Bonds on Bonds was a great TV show. When he reportedly tested positive for amphetamines, he automatically blamed it on the worst player on the team (Mark Sweeney). Might not be the classiest move in the world, but that's what stars do, deflect controversy to their shitty friends.

There that's enough. I'll end this the same way Barry would: I like Barry Bonds...now go fuck yourself.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Early Birthday Ideas

My blog turned two this past Saturday. I turn 27 on September 30. So you still have plenty of time to find a life-size wax statue of Roy Biggins from Wings for me.

That being said, guess who's coming to Columbus for a riveting game of European football on 9/30/2007???

The dreamy Mr. David Beckham...and some team named the Galaxy that I've never heard of.

For only $55, you the reader can purchase the chance of a lifetime for me, to see my hero, to complete my ESPN My Wish segment. And not only would I get to see this titan of sexy, I would also get game tickets to TWO other Columbus Crew games. Raise your hand if you have a boner.

But alas, I have plans already. I will be performing a 6+ hour drive back from Nashville on my birthday and will be robbed of the chance to witness true greatness. (On a side note, the perfect Sunday birthday for me would be to sit on my ass and watch the Redskins win, but even they have a goddamn bye that week).

So Mr. Beckham, I apologize, maybe next season I will get the chance to take you in (you can think of a double entendre if you'd like). But I'll be thinking about you.

Real men wear scarves.

Monday, July 16, 2007

I'm Cartwright.

(Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song)

I'm back. First blog of year two. We killed a ton of brain cells this past weekend, so we're just going to gloss a few topics and call it a day. First up...

1.) Yep, I had a dream about Dick Stockton last night. Apparently, he and I are tremendous friends who like to attend Miami basketball games together...which is fine by me. The weird thing about it was, not that hanging out with a broadcasting hall of famer/Lesley Visser penetrator isn't weird enough, my uncle came by and talked some serious shit to us because his seats were better for the game. I woke up shortly after that exchange, but I would bet that Dick would've gone crazy. And also that the Redhawks won.

2.) LeBron's Perrogative - just a classic spoof last night at The ESPYs. People will talk about the pants, but the power fade was what got me. LeBron is the man and from what I saw, he was outstanding.

3.) G$ = Charity Golfer Extraordinaire - Saturday, we took our fearsome foursome out to St. Mike's for the Chad Williams Benefit Day of Awesomeness. It was an insanely great day. McLimans, D, Buke, and myself finished 4th out of 55 teams at the outing with a 9-under...you have no idea how amazing that score is and how great the four of us played (our system was brilliant, have McLimans hit it 300 straight off the tee and the three of us can get it in from there). We also pounded between 30 and 36 beers over the 5 hour stretch. I'm not sure about the final tally, but I'm pretty sure that a TON of money was raised for Chad and that's the best thing about the day. Just a freaking amazing day, I can't say it enough. And you know what pushed it over the edge of greatness??? The fact that somewhere between half and everyone congratulated me on my sick karaoke skills/making passionate love to the mic stand on stage. Good, good times. And Austin, I'm holding your Tigers-loving ass on the promise you made that you are bringing Chad over for the annual Thanksgiving night poker game. You made the claim, now follow through!!!

4.) The lyrical stylings of John Sterling - Let's get this out and in the open. Yes, I am a Yankees fan. And yes, I hate everything about their tv/radio broadcasts...except John Sterling who has been the voice fo the team for a long time now. You know him, the guy who yells "Yankees win, the-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e Yankeeeeeeeeeees Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin." I was listening to the game via xm yesterday on my drive back and he busted out two gems that had me rolling.

"Are the Yankees lucky to be in this game? You bet your sweet bippy." Nothing beats a good 1970's tv show reference.
"The Yankees shouldn't even be in this game but the Devil Rays are running the bases like drunks." Just a phenomenal line.

5.) Nobody likes a Red Sox fan - I'm ending on this one because it's the point that I want to drive home most. Red Sox fans are assholes. The best part about going back to the extreme ruralness which is NW Ohio, is that nobody is a Red Sox fan. Well, I found one. And although my blood had been replaced with 7/7's at the time I met the guy on Saturday night, he still ended up killing my buzz and pissing me off. The worst thing that ever happened was the 2004 ALCS, and it was bad for every true baseball fan. Because now "typical Red Sox douche" walks around with a smug smirk on his face while he cleans the toilets at your office. It used to be a look of depression, now it's pride. It sucks. One of these days, I will break down who has the worst fans, Red Sox or Buckeye football. I'm really not sure. But for the sake of the argument, I will say that I've NEVER met a Red Sox fan that was fun to be around. Ever.

Alright peeps, I'm out. Blog ya' later.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Happy Birthday Eve!

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the beginning of this wonderful blog. As I said earlier this week, since I am playing in a celebrity golf outing tomorrow in which I am the biggest celebrity, today is going to have to be our day of celebration.

By the way, I spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out if I should call tomorrow a birthday or an anniversary. I'm going with birthday only because I'm not married to the blog...yet.

It's been a good year. We've seen traffic grow by leaps and bounds. It appears that people seem to be checking out my material more often and that's always a good thing. As always, COMMENTS ARE WELCOMED AND APPRECIATED. So to reward you loyal readers, and also the passers-by, I'm going to link up some of my favorite blogs from over the past 365, hope you enjoy.

One more thing, I was fucking around with the Statcoutner feature yesterday and saw that someone got to my site by doing a search for "trucker rimjob". Sounds like a phenomenal idea for a future topic...or maybe a weekly feature.

Here are my nine faves:

***How To Fix A Broken Toilet - This was the first real topic that I was proud of. It was about how to restore the glory of my alma mater's football program.

***The Jerk Store Called, They're Running Out Of You - An intense diatribe on how Kenny Rogers moved to the top of the Athletes I Want To Kill Mountain.

***Britney, You Stupid Bitch - Analysis of Britney Spears before all the rehab/head shaving, you know, just when she was a terrible mother.

***"Foxing It Up" - How FOX was going to ruin the BCS bowl games.

***Plot Errors of a 20 Year Old Movie - I was, and still am, really proud of this topic eventhough I now realize that Bill Simmons brings up Teen Wolf in every other column.

***Name Something You Take To The Beach - Breaking down the Family Feud hosts

***My Fight With Perfection - Probably my favorite blog ever...starring former WWF wrestler and alive person, Mr. Perfect.

***Quit Calling Me Steve Howe - The faux biography I did of Red CF/crack addict, Josh Hamilton.

***5 Worst Athlete/TV Cameos - I've got to include the topic that got me linked on cnnsi.com, don't I?

If you've got time, enjoy them all. I'll be back Monday starting year two of my blogging excellence and hopefully we can take this thing to new heights the likes of which have never been seen!!! Thanks for reading my stuff, have a good weekend.--GMoney

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Worst. Team. Ever.

Move over Temple Owls and Duke Blue Devils, we have a new "worst team ever." The 2005 Oklahoma Sooners Football Team!!!

We learned yesterday that 2 years after the fact, Adrian Peterson and the boys went from 8-4 to 0-12. Congratulations, guys. But I do wonder how an 0-11 team managed to reach a bowl game???

Let's take a minute to break down the 2005 Sooner season:

TCU 17, OU 0
Tulsa 15, OU 0
UCLA 41, OU 0
Kansas St 21, OU 0
Texas 45, OU 0 (Vince Young said it was like playing against no defense at all)
Kansas 3, OU 0 (this may have been a cow eating competition between Mark Mangino and Bob Stoops though)
Baylor 30, OU 0
Nebraska 24, OU 0
Texas A&M 30, OU 0
Texas Tech 23, OU 0
Oklahoma State 14, OU 0
and in the Holiday Bowl...
Oregon 14, OU 0

So again, Sooners, I say great job. Your 2005 season is something you should truly be proud of.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

And The Toughest Baseball Player Is...

Mr. Gary Sheffield!!!

Thank you to all those who voted. Here's Sheff's breakdown:

While Sheff is a clubhouse cancer and lunatic, you can't discount the fact that he can beat some ass. Not the tallest guy in the world, he makes up for his lack of height with sheer will power and an ability to always be the craziest person in the skirmish. Being related to Doc Gooden only helps his unpredictability. And who knows, with him being related to Doc, he could be coked up and that's not good for his opponent. Absolutely manhandled Rondell White in the first round with a barrage of uppercuts, chaw spit, and anti-Latino sentiment. After remembering that his opponent used to be a Yankee farmhand, Sheff easily pummelled his way through Wily Mo Pena. Because everybody knows that Gary hates Yankees. Using that same hatred for Joe Torre's disciples, Sheff pounded Kyle Farnsworth in the AL Final and left him for dead. Yankees fans were quite pleased with this outcome actually. In the Final, Gary unleashed all of his frustrations from not being picked to the all-star game by his own manager on El Caballo. To finish him off, Chef Sheff cut up Lee and made a delicious chimichanga entree stuffed with 240 pounds of bull meat. After all, he is deranged.

Congratulations again, Sheff!!! Your Grand Champion of The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball Player Tournament of Champions!!!

The 2007 Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball PlayerTournament of Champions

FYI, I'm sure if I dug into my old bedroom closet at my parent's house, I could find that baseball card.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Airing of Grievances: Home Run Derby Edition

I'm just going to come out and say it, "I hate the MLB Home Run Derby."

It's too damn long. It's boring. 3 hours after it's finished, no one gives a damn. The guys you want to see jack some bombs always suck (see Howard, Ryan). ESPN's production is ridiculous at best. On a bit of sidebar here, how bad has ESPN been over the last few years? It's like now they are going out of their way to fuck with shit. Anyway, let's get started, my 5 biggest problems with the Home Run Derby.

1.) Chris Berman - I've been a Berman hater for a long, long time. His nicknames and general stupidity have cast a dark cloud over Bristol, CT for years. I hate that this moron acts like a batting practice homer is amazing giving his "classic" back, back, back schtick that wasn't cool in the 80's. It's a fucking BP dinger, Chris, get a fucking grip. Go listen to Huey Lewis or Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, or insert 1978 musical reference.

2.) The Rest Of The Booth - ESPN was at least smart enough to put 2 broadcasting titans with Berman in the likes of Dut Baker and Joe "Mike Fruth" Morgan. Were Tim McCarver and Dennis Miller not available? This has to be the worst three man booth of all time!!! I already shared my opinions on Mr. Green Jacket, but pairing him up with a twice fired idiot of a manager with NO personality and "The Black Carp" who obviosuly loves the way his voice sounds??? Incompetence at its finest.

3.) No Stars - I understand why people don't want to participate (see the ruined swing of Bobby Abreu). But when the guys they do get to do this are hitting about as many home runs as tonight's starting pitchers, I think we have a problem. Quit trying to force players down my throat that I don't care about, MLB. Yeah, I'm talking about Fagglio, worst MVP ever Morneau, Cecil Lite (soon to be Heavier), and Vlad. That's right, Vlad. Get a fucking personality and learn some god damn English. I would have rather watched a gay porno starring Papi, A-Rod, Bonds, Meat Loaf, and Chuck Norris then watch some of those guys hit BP. Ugh. I think Alex Rios and Matt Holliday will be really good...but I don't care now.

4.) Kenny Mayne - Enough is enough. We get it, you're a weirdo. You add nothing to broadcasts other than that pompous smirk. Go away. Mayne hasn't been funny in 8 years and he hasn't been relevant the last 5. Just go hang out with Hammerin' Hank Goldberg at the race tracks now, we're done with you.

5.) The Shaggers - This is pretty low even for this blog's already low standards, but seriously, could those kids trying to catch the flyballs be any more retarded??? THEY AREN'T EVEN CLOSE!!! They are missing fly balls by 15 feet and it happens EVERY year. My suggestion: If the shitty kids aren't going to come close to catching the pop-ups, why not replace them with homeless people or diseased hookers??? I can't be the only one that will burn in hell/laugh at a homeless guy shagging flyballs in his shopping cart or watching whores try to run in 8 inch heels. It would be priceless. Well whatever happens, those kids in the outfield flat out suck.

I guess I should predict the outcome tonight...after all, THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!

American League wins 4-2. Jorge Posada wins the MVP. Justin Verlander is a massive douche bag. See you tomorrow.

Monday, July 09, 2007


I'm back at work for the first time since Tuesday last, and since we're no longer on my time and are on company time, we're going to get back in the swing of things and do some heavy-duty blogging.

Fuck. Check that. Apparently, our office team is undergoing our yearly audit this week. I'm not really sure how this will effect my posts but I'd be willing to bet they will now be short and sweet again this week.

Anywho, let's make a run at a few things.

1.) OK, the one year anniversary for this blog is this coming Saturday. Yeah, I know, it's been an amazing year. We here at the Musings hope to continue our solid run through the blogosphere. I will not be able to do a sentimental blog as I'm playing in a celebrity golf tournament back home...I am the celebrity. We'll do something Friday since the boss is off that day.

2.) Along with the anniversary, I've also been contemplating a name change of the blog. The Musings of GMoney has been great but it may be time to put an exclamation point on this blog with a real kick-ass name. This blog started, for the most part, as an outpost to comment on random every day occurences that transpired in my life. Well, times change, people change, and more importantly, blogs change. We decided to go the "sports satire" route. And thus, I am seeking opinions on a blog name that really pops. Some that I've thought of so far:

***The Money Shot - as a tribute to myself
***Country Strong - Jay Bilas would be proud
***The Mustache Ride - who doesn't love a mustache
***The Intelligent Ohioan - because there can be only one

Hmmmm, I'm forgetting some. Oh well, if you want, go ahead and leave a post on some potential name changes.

That's all for today and I leave you with a conversation overheard up at Put-In-Bay this weekend between a cop and Matt "T-Boom" Thompson.

Cop: We've had a complaint about the noise level in your room.
BOOM: No, we're all in bed. It must be an echo or something...you know, the Law of Physics.
Myself: Matt, come back to bed.


Friday, July 06, 2007

Headed to the Isle of No Rules

Nevada has Las Vegas. Florida has Daytona. Louisiana has New Orleans. New Jersey has...the Jersey Shore. We here in Ohio have Put-In-Bay.

This blog is getting ready to head up to the Lake Erie island shortly for some heavy drinking and general tomfoolery. We here at The Musings are quite pumped about the little mini vacation.

My Ohio readers know all about this little known hotspot, but to my national subscribers, I totally recommend "The Bay". Unless you are against drinking a ton of beer in a land of very few rules.

We will be supporting the roommates' father's band, Wally and The Beavs, at the Beer Barrel Saloon (world reknowned as "the longest bar in the world"). Check out their website: http://www.wallyrocks.com/.

If I live through the weekend, see you Monday!!!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Sonics Get Chokehold on Carlesimo

Reports state that the Sonics are going to be bringing in former Warriors coach, PJ Carlesimo, to lead the young Seattle franchise. PJ is a good coach and an even better choke receiver. Latrell Sprewell's choking of him in the 90's continues to be one of my favorite stories in the history of the NBA.

So now I look ahead to the most likely candidates to strangle Carlesimo in Seattle.

100-1 Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Carl Landry - let's be honest, no rookie is going to go apeshit in their first season

75-1 Nick Collison and Luke Ridnour - white guys aren't very tough in general and PJ's goomba ass could probably whoop these two anyway

63-1 Wally Szczerbiak - Much like myself, Wally is a Redhawk and that means that he liable to do anything at any time. Wally will soon realize that Carlesimo is no Charlie Coles and that could anger him.

50-1 Earl Watson - likely to lose a lot of minutes unless Ridnour gets traded and Earl could use those massive ears to suffocate PJ.

30-1 Delonte West - he looks incredibly ghetto with all those tattoos

15-1 Chris Wilcox - he's big, he's black, he looks like he doesn't put up with any shit. Rumor has it, that while at Maryland, Gary Williams used to sweat through his suit because he was terrified of Wilcox.

5-1 Robert Swift - red hair + 7 feet tall + tattoos = one crazy mofo

2-1 Danny Fortson - when you played at UC under Bob Huggins, you aren't going to be considered a classy individual. Has a tendency to hammer some flagrant fouls which won't sit well with the coach. There could be some serious incidents between Fortson and PJ this season and I can't wait to watch it unfold.

Seattle is going to be a fun team to watch anyway, might as well throw a coach in there with a penchant for getting choked out. This is going to be interesting...

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy 231st!!!

Happy Birthday, America!!! No post today, we'll be back and as controversial as ever tomorrow. I've got to go pick up some beer and brats, peace.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Do You Want a Dance? No.



There goes your breakfast/lunch. Alright, trust me, this is going somewhere. Last week in a chat on ESPN.com with The Sports Guy, someone asked him what were the worst songs to hear while getting a lap dance at a strip club and would totally crush the mood. By "mood" I mean, the strong sensation to have a disease-ridden whore grind on you. It took a few days to come up with some truly rancid songs that would kill all backroom mojo. Simply put, there are just some songs that naked chicks shouldn't dance to. Here they are in no particular order (except for the last one which I consider the worst and I've included the video).

***Disco Duck by Rick Dees - truly a staple of shitty music
***How Am I Supposed To Live Without You by Jesse and Slater - sung at the Bayside prom or something...it was the episode where Zack and Kelly broke up and it sucked.
***End of the Road by Boyz II Men - because, unless you like divorce/waking up without a kidney, no one wants to love a stripper
***The old NBA on NBC song by John Tesh - actually, I wouldn't be against this
***Party All The Time by Eddie Murphy - just a terrible song
***We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart - a song about celibacy in a strip club while the guy who sang it died from AIDS??? DELIGHTFUL!!!
***We Built This City by Starship - just a shitty song
***Africa by Toto - no way would this work out in a sensual manner
***The Living Years by Mike and The Mechanics - If the song is a staple of WNDH in Napoleon, OH, you don't want to hear it when you're getting your grind on
***500 Miles by The Proclaimers - just thinking about what The Proclaimers look like should make your dinger run for the hills
***Friends Forever by Zack Attack - another Saved By The Bell tune of shittiness

and finally, the winner....................

***The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins by Leonard Nimoy!!! Don't believe me? Watch the video.

Did I miss some song that truly sucks that would destroy any level of horniness??? Let me know in the comments.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Managerial Madness

A lot of stuff happening in the world of major league baseball this weekend...but since I'm a fan of a certain underachieving team in New York, I do not care about the sport this summer but will address a few big decisions from the weekend that was.

Let's break them down.

**Mike Hargrove is a quitter.

Where the hell did this come from??? The Mariners are playing phenomenal baseball this season and are only a few games out of the playoffs but their skipper all of a sudden decides to step aside??? This makes no sense. Even his rationale for leaving is full of question marks. Now, I truly believe that Mike Hargrove is a bad manager and that he is one of the main reasons that the Indians did not win a title in '95 or '97. He's just not very smart. But in all fairness, he was doing a great job with this Mariners team full of misfits and outcasts. For every Ichiro, King Felix, JJ Putz, and Raul Ibanez on that team, there is an equally shitty Sexson, Jeff Weaver, Adrian Beltre, and Miggy Batista. Grover, what the fuck are you thinking? You sir, are a quitter. And not the good kind. Not in the same league as the "No-Guys" headlined by Buke, Damman, and myself who refused to play an extra game of freshmen football against a team that literally would've killed us and added an extra week of November outdoor practices in Ohio. We were martyrs, Hargrove just sucks.

**The Reds fired some guy named Jerry Narron

To be honest, when I was told the Reds fired their manager, it took me 5 minutes to remember who had taken that crappy job. Ray Knight? Dave Miley? Sparky Anderson? Oh, that's right, it's Jerry Narron. Way to go Reds organization. Way to fire a guy who was doing the best he could with the awful players that you have given him. This makes no sense to me. Narron was given a lineup of bad on-base % sluggers, mediocre at best starting pitching, and skidmark relievers yet it's the manager's fault??? Explain that one to me. No seriously, I'll wait. You don't have an answer? Neither do I. Jerry Narron, I am going on the record here and saying that you were fist-fucked. I applaud your move to bench some guy named Encarnacion for not running out a pop-up. And I praise you for getting 31 wins out of this team. I hope you get another chance at some point just so maybe I can remember your name.

**The Yankees fired Joe Torre

This didn't happen yet? Damn. If the Reds can fire their manager for being 20 games under with a terrible roster, how can you justify being 4 games under with a 200 million dollar payroll??? So long, Joe, you've done enough damage. Let's bring in Tom Berenger to replace him. We may not improve a ton, but you can damn sure bet you'll see some suicide squeezes.