Monday, April 30, 2007

A Kick Ass Ass Kicking Tournament

Along the lines of the Would You Do Tournament that was held over at The Big Picture, I will be unveiling the 16 man bracket for The Glenallen Hill Memorial Toughest Baseball Player Tournament of Champions (TGHMTBPToC, catchy, huh).

It stacks up like this, 8 guys from the AL and 8 guys from the NL. Bracket type format with the winner from the AL and NL sides meeting up in a colossal No Holds Barred fight to the death.

So far, I've come up with these rosters for each side, but I'm asking YOU the reader to comment on who you would like to see battle it out for the crown of biggest badass in baseball. Here's the lineups:

AL: 1. Milton Bradley (Oakland) complete nutjob
2. Adrian Beltre (Seattle) I suspect he's a roid rager
3. Kyle Farnsworth (Yankees) Has instigated and held his own in a few brawls already
4. Travis Hafner (Cleveland) Nuff said
5. Wily Mo Pena (Boston) Another insane lookin' fella
6. Gary Sheffield (Detroit) Needs no introduction
7. Frank Thomas (Toronto) A legacy in the scary dude department
8. Rondell White (Minnesota) Just always felt he looked tough

NL: 1. Miguel Cabrera (Florida) physical specimen
2. Carlos Delgado (Mets) another stalwart in the scary fucker category
3. Adam Dunn (Reds) he's "country strong"
4. Jeff Kent (Dodgers) don't laugh, you also have to defeat his mustache
5. Carlos Lee (Astros) El Caballo may be the favorite
6. Aaron Rowand (Phillies) a real scrapper
7. So Taguchi (Cardinals) martial arts expert
8. Dmitri Young (Nationals) famous wife beater gets his chance to show what he can do against men

Like I said, I'll take your suggestions in the comments section, but this is who I have thus far. Maybe I forgot some people, let me know. I'd like to get this started on Friday if possible.

****This tournament has to take place as Glenallen Hill and Shane Spencer no longer play MLB leaving a huge void at the top of the tough guy mountain.

The Weekend Whathaveyou

Today's title is courtesy of ESPN's Chris Mortensen, who muttered the term "Whathaveyou" somewhere between 100 and 200 times this weekend. Rundown of my weekend...

*The Redskins are stupid. I'm willing to admit that now. What do you do when you can't stop the run or get a pass rush??? Why you draft a hard-hitting safety that can't cover of course. Okoye and Jamaal Anderson are on the board to fill needs and you take a guy that will ensure the team will be in the lower third of rush defense again this year.

*Discovered a new "look-a-like" this weekend...Jason Kidd and friend of this blog, Brian McLimans

*I watched Thank You For Smoking yesterday. Not as funny as everyone had said, it was OK though.

*My Sunday night TV lineup was so jampacked with hilarities last night that I couldn't pick which one was the funniest. Between Vito Jr. shitting in the shower during gym class on The Sopranos, Chuck Liddell and Pauly Shore "punking" Drama, and the random Texas hillbilly yelling "It's Enrico Pallazzo" at Stewie on Family Guy, there was an insane amount of great comedy. On that note, is there a funnier scene in movie history than the Enrico Pallazzo National Anthem/umpiring scene from The Naked Gun??? I think not. And it culminates at the end when the guy who played Chubby in Teen Wolf says, "Hey! It's Enrico Pallazzo!"

*I am a GREAT Golden Tee player. But two things that have eluded me since Golden Tee Live came out were the hole-in-one and the double eagle. Well, Saturday night that changed. As did the lives of everyone at the bar as I hit both of those goals in the same round leading to a tie of my career best, -19. I got a standing ovation from the patrons after the accomplishment. Not really, but I should have.

*Ol' Buke informed me that he's hooking me up with a free pass for Saturday during The Memorial golf tournament in a couple of weeks. Sweet. He said that both Tiger and Phil have been rumored to play this year which would be awesome. I've never been to a golf tournament before so needless to say, I'm pumped. I am not pumped about the severe sunburn that will likely occur though.

*The Yankees are terrible. I'm about ready to give up.

*I was about 75% picking the first rounders during the Draft Saturday. Buke was impressed.

*The Cavs should finish off the Wizards tonight. Golden State is going to beat Dallas, and yes, I did pick it from the beginning.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Fight On, Fight On Till You Have Won, Sons of Washington

My favorite TV show of all time is on the next two days...The NFL Draft. I plan on watching it on the Akai with Buke this afternoon, and can't wait to yell "SUPER BOWL" one second after the Redskins make their pick. I've decided that today (the reason I'm blogging today is because I had to work this morning) I'm going to look at all the first rounders the Redskins have selected since 1990. I have no idea what to expect, hopefully I'm not crying after sifting through these decisions. And yes, that is the great Heath Shuler to the left.

1990 - no first rounder, likely traded for a bag of magic beans
1991 - Bobby Wilson, DT, Michigan St: Since I don't remember this guy, I'm sure he sucked. The Skins drafted Keenan McCardell in the 12th round though.
1992 - Desmond Howard, WR, Michigan: Oh God, what the hell were they thinking?
1993 - Tom Carter, CB, Notre Dame: I think Carter had a decent career in the NFL...but not in Washington. BUST. Drafted Frank Wycheck in the 6th round, good vision there.
1994 - HEATH SHULER, QB, Rocky Top: I'm still not sure how this didn't work out. Good draft that year with Tre Johnson in the 2nd and In Gus We Trust Frerotte in the 7th. Also took a WR named Tydus Winans, great name.
1995 - Michael Westbrook, WR, Colorado: Ugh, I'm starting to get misty-eyed now and we've only done 6 years. His claim to fame was sucker punching Stephen Davis, not what you want out of a franchise WR.
1996 - Andre Johnson, T, Penn State: BUST. Stephen Davis in the 2nd round more than makes up for it though.
1997 - Kenard Lang, DE, Miami Fla: Up and down with the Skins, solid player.
1998 - no first rounder, likely exchanged for expired Denny's coupons; this draft featured my least favorite Skin ever...2nd round pick TE Stephen Alexander AKA the guy that fumbled or dropped every pass ever thrown to him.
1999 - Champ Bailey, CB, Georgia - The best draft in the history of the team getting the best CB since Deion Sanders and stalwart T Jon Jansen in the 2nd round.
2000 - Lavar Arrington LB, Penn St and Chris Samuels, T, Alabama: Arrington, unfortunately was a huge bust due to his injuries and leading the league in offsides penalties when the opponent had a 3rd and 4 situation resulting in an automatic first down. Samuels has been a rock his entire career in Washington. Great player. These two picks were supposed to get the Skins back to the top...they did not.
2001 - Rod Gardner, WR, Clemson: Possibly the worst mid-first round pick ever. Gardner pumped my gas at Sunoco this morning. They did land Fred Smoot in the 2nd round though.
2002 - Patrick Ramsey, QB, Tulane: Ugh, the people that thought he would be good have long since killed themselves. The guy has the mobility of a one-legged me. Did get Ladell Betts in round 2.
2003 - no first rounder, traded for a Happy Ending: Drafted Derrick Dockery in the 3rd round as the only good pick.
2004 - Sean Taylor, S, Miami Fla: One of my favorite players. Hard hitter. Poor sportsmanship. Everything you could ask for. Got Chris Cooley in the 3rd, solid pick.
2005 - Carlos Rogers, CB, Auburn and Jason Campbell, QB, Auburn: I'm about ready to write off Rogers as a bust. His game sucks. Campbell is getting his chance to start now. We'll wait and see to judge him but I am LOVING his mustache.
2006 - no first rounder, traded for NASCAR tickets.
2007 - ???

I'm hoping for Louisville DT, Amobi Okoye, or a trade down. WE NEED TO START STOPPING THE RUN.

What I learned? Well I was bawling pretty bad there for awhile but the ferocity of the Sean Taylor pick got my confidence, and erection, back up for the Redskins today. ENJOY THE DRAFT!!!

Friday, April 27, 2007

Stephen Jackson Ain't Coming To Ohio

I was going to post about the NFL Draft today but this story is really angering up the blood. Apparently, my beloved state of Ohio is trying it's best to become the worst state ever. How this makes any sense, I will never know. From The Columbus Dispatch, here the important bits from the article:

"Senate Bill 16, created through a petition effort by the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values, says dancers cannot come within 6 feet of patrons and prohibits nude dancing between midnight and 6 a.m."

I'm sorry, what? Cincinnati is worried about values? They root for the Bengals, right? They now cheer for admitted crackhead, Josh Hamilton, correct?

"The House also is likely to approve the measure, said House Speaker Jon A. Husted, R-Kettering. "

Note to self, never ever vote for Jon A. Husted, R-Kettering. Who the fuck does he think he is.

"If we want to be honest with each other … I suggest to you that if it were a silent vote, I'm not sure it would pass," said Sen. Larry A. Mumper, R-Marion, one of three Republicans to vote no. "That's something to think about."

Exactly. You fuckers are such hypocrites. Step up, be a man, save the strip clubs.

Barry Sheets, a lobbyist for Citizens for Community Values, told senators that the proposal was about one thing: reducing crime, including violence, drug use and prostitution.
"Our intent has never been to shut down adult businesses," he said.

Oh really? Fuck you, Barry. I don't think I'm being naive, but I'm pretty certain that strip clubs aren't a major reason for crime in the state. Why not focus on unemployment and outsourcing before trying to rid the blue-collar worker from getting closer than 6 feet to his "dancer".

"Ohio club owners said that's disingenuous, because it's well-known that much of their $250 million in annual business is done after midnight. The 6-foot rule, they argue, would be logistically impossible for some small clubs to meet."

Typical. These capitalist fatcats are trying to keep the good, honest small business owners down. Do they not realize that the state gets part of that $250 mill???

"Everything can be used against you," Teresa Fedor, D-Toledo said. "It may not be good public policy, but politically, who can vote against it?"

And that's the problem. A very small group of people can completely hijack the government because politicians worry about getting re-elected. They don't worry about the smut peddlers, bachelor parties, drunk college kids, girl trying to pay her way through college with the erotic form of dance, or old men trying to get erections that they haven't seen in 10 years. It's just about themselves.

Well, let me just give the state of Ohio a big, FUCK YOU. While I admit that it's been awhile since my last visit to a strip club, I know for a fact that when I get a chance to go again, I don't want to be walking around with the yardsticks tied to my hands to make sure I'm staying a safe distance away.

Glick has to be shitting himself right now.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Is Anyone Really Surprised?

Oh boy, is this story delicious or what? I'm driving to work this morning and Mike and Mike are talking about something that Orioles play-by-play guy and resident ESPN weirdo, Gary Thorne, said last night during the telecast of the game.

Thorne said that Red Sox catcher/refridgerator repairman Doug Mirabelli told him that "The Sock" from the 2004 ALCS was NOT bloody at all. That it was painted red. Thorne says he guarantees that this story is true. Mirabelli denies this.

I believe it. Curt Schilling is a loser. He is the kind of guy that would make a spectacle out of some minor injury. Fuck him. They should strip the Red Sox of their World Series for this charade. I believe Thorne, he has absolutely nothing to gain from telling that story. There is, however, a lot to lose as far as credibility goes for the wicked liars from Beantown.

There are many reasons why Curt Schilling stands tall on top of the list of "Athletes that I would punch in the face." This only adds to his mystique.

Curt Schilling = Drama Queen, Liar, Conspirator

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Maybe Another Rape Will Inspire These Guys

Too soon???

Ah, fuck it, the Lakers are terrible. They might be the only team ever that would actually be motivated by their star player taking one for the team and raping a defenseless white girl again...

The Cavs are back tonight, looking to get this series over with as soon as possible. I have yet to hear any basketball pundit say ANYTHING good about this team. Don't get me wrong, I can see their points, but LeBron and Company truly are dark horses this Spring. Hopefully, when their season eventually ends, I can be as proud of them as I was last season. Time to represent.

And I had to add this video. Since I'm assuming that most of my readers consider Tecmo Super Bowl the greatest video game of all time, enjoy this doozy. Nobody fucks with The Nigerian Nightmare.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Playing GM For a Day...

Watching the Yankees' pitchers get ass-raped again last night (trust me, I'll stop talking about this eventually), I began to wonder, "How would I make things better?" And thus I have a blog topic for today. I'm bringing in 9 new pitchers to solidify the staff. A real Who's Who of flamethrowers from Hollywood. Without further ado...


1. Steve Nebraska (Brendan "Encino Man" Fraser) - The Scout; Nebraska threw a perfect game on 81 pitches with 27 strikeouts to win the World Series!!! Now THAT is domination.

2. Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) - Major League; We don't want the Vaughn from Major League II, we want the original veg-head gas-man to follow Nebraska in the rotation.

3. Chet "Rocket" Steadman (Gary Busey) - Rookie of the Year; All guts is a great desription for Steadman. Should've won an Oscar for his dramatic portrayal of Steadman.

4. Nuke Laloosh (Tim Robbins) - Bull Durham; The one thing this staff needs is a white guy with a half-fro.

5. Hog Ellis (Judson Mills) - Major League: Back to the Minors; Ellis may throw like a woman, but he showed a lot of guts to throw at Carlos Liston's head. We like his moxie.


1. Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross) - Major League; Harris is the definition of crafty. The soft tosser would be perfect in situations to get tough right handed hitters out. And in case any players have a yeast infection, he's got plenty of Vagisil.

2. Jim Bowers (Jonathon Silverman) - Little Big League; Bowers, if you were fortunate enough to see this movie, is kind of a basketcase. Probably resembles Turk Wendell as far as superstitions go.

3. Roy Dean Bream (William Russ) - Pastime; I have never even heard of this movie and only stumbled across it by googling "baseball movies". But when I saw that the dad from Boy Meets World played a pitcher, that was all that I needed. Alan Mathews is on the team.

4. Henry Rowengartner (Thomas Ian Nicholas) - Rookie of the Year; Our closer. If he can get out the feared Mets slugger, Hedo, he can get anyone out. And he always has that softball pitch in his back pocket if he needs it. Not many franchises would place the closer duties on a 12 year old kid, but he learned from the best...Gary Busey.

Yankees fans, order your World Series tickets now!!!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Throw the Damn Towel!!!

It was discussed over some Hooters wings this weekend. By "it", I mean the montages from the Rocky movies. In particular, Damman and I are partial to the "beach race" training sequence from Rocky III. That scene is too good to put into words.

Anyway, I'm just getting started, fast forward a movie to Rocky IV, you remember, the movie that ended the Cold War. When Apollo (who while being introduced had the announcer refer to him as The Count of Monte Fisto which sounds a lot like a nickname that I would make up) takes on Drago and subsequently gets killed, everyone knows who was at fault for his death. It wasn't Drago. It wasn't Brigitte Nielsen. It wasn't Dionne Warwick. Hell, it wasn't even Duke (his screaming of "Throw the damn towel" and the face he makes to accompany it is so funny). Rocky killed him. He was holding that "damn towel" the whole time. He had the chance to save a man's life and instead let Communism win. Rocky was a chicken shit.

Obviously, now I'm going to shift to this weekend's Yankees/Massholes series...did you have any doubt? How does this make any sense, you say? Joe Torre is Rocky. And he is completely KILLING the bullpen. He has thrown Scott Proctor 13 times in 17 games yet Kyle "Gas on the Fire" Farnsworth has appeared in less than a handful of games. I would like Torre to get checked for Alzheimer's. He is absolutely terrible with pitchers. He takes starters out way too early and uses the same relievers way too much. He said he wasn't going to use Mariano except for the 9th this year and he's already went against his word in the first 3 weeks of the season. I'm looking forward to that day in late June, when Proctor is pitching in his 40th game in a row, and in mid-delivery, his arm comes flying off much like the boot of Springfield Atoms All-American kicker, Anton Lubchenko. Then Torre comes waddling out to the mound wearing his Yankees parka even though it's 98 degrees, holds up Proctor's head, and looks up at a smirking Matt Stairs who tells him, "If he dies, he dies." Don't blame "The Professional Hitter", Joe, the blood from Proctor's severed arm is on your hands. Maybe Big Stein should have canned his ass last year...

As far as the series, obviously I'm not happy about getting swept. Especially when awful players like Mike "Future Gas Pumper" Lowell, Jason "Future Grocery Bagger" Varitek, and Coco "Future Busboy at Denny's" Crisp are tearing up our suspect pitching. I guess one positive out of this is that while our starting pitching was bad, our injury riddled lineup hit their aces pretty well. Schilling got hammered, Beckett was borderline OK, and Dice-K was average. Good thing is we get another shot at them starting a real stadium...with knowledgeable, educated fans.

So I'm going to stay positive, the cavalry is coming. Wang is back tomorrow. This is totally new for me as I've always considered myself the definition of a "glass half empty" kind of guy when it comes to the Yankees.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!

Friday, April 20, 2007

You Don't Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight

That's right. G$ is going all sorts of cliche on you today. But, it does ring true. Eric Wedge totally brought his knife (Joe Borowski) yesterday in the 9th inning against Joe Torre's bazooka/flame thrower/machine gun combination. What a moron, Wedge should be fired. Yesterday's amazing come-from-behind win also spawned a new nickname. From the guy that brought you Bobby "Sweet Pea" Abreu, Joakim "Jo-No" Noah, and LeBron "Fuck Yo' Couch" James (not really on the last one, but every time LeBron does something sick, I do say in my best Chappellian Rick James impression, "FUCK YO COUCH"); I now bring you Alex "Baseball Jesus" Rodriguez!!!

I think it fits quite well. The man is hitting seeds right now. Even when he struggles, like much of yesterday, he found a way to come up big. This is totally a different player than the last two seasons of turmoil and utter contempt. He's likeable. He's on fire. He's dead sexy. And it's all because of my decision to support him through thick and thin this season. Don't worry Baseball Jesus, I don't want any compensation, just another World Series.

But that brings me to the official start of the baseball season...Yankees/Red Sox Round 1. Let's face it, baseball is meaningless and even a little boring until these two go after it. Since my boys got unceremoniously bounced last year in the playoffs by an inferior team (big whoop, wanna fight about it), the highlight of my season was the 5 game Boston Massacre Sweep. It was so amazingly bonerific. If I could have sex with an event, it would've been that. It felt that good.

And it begins again tonight. And I'm afraid to say it looks like Joe Torre is bringing his own knife to the gunfight for this series. I still think WE can win the series, but the pitching matchups just do not look good at all. Schilling and Pettitte tonight should be one helluva duel. Saturday's less than intriguing matchup features the return of Jeff Karstens (!) vs. Josh Beckett who is beginning to resemble the shape and flammability of a gas can when facing the Pinstripers. And Sunday night's matchup is really good with rookie Chase Wright facing Andrew Dice Clay.

I want a sweep. I would love to just win the series. The way OUR pitching is, I would even accept not getting swept...but I wouldn't like it. Either way, enjoy the series starting tonight from the Rat Trap in Boston.

It's good to have baseball back again...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I Don't Want to Sweep Alone

Since I've now made it a point to blog in the morning at work, I have to get this done early since I have training starting at 9:30...and this is way too important.

Fuck it, I'm calling my shot. The Yankees will sweep the Indians this afternoon. And nothing could be sweeter...maybe a sweep in Fenway this weekend.

Being a lifelong Ohioan that hates everything about Ohio sports with the exception of the Cavaliers (squeaking out the 2 seed almost ensures a conference finals appearance) and my beloved Redhawks (who have played their share of basketball minutes with 5 white guys on the court), it just doesn't get any better than whipping the piss out of a team that everyone around here likes. I hear all the time that "this is the Tribe's year". No it isn't. You've been Danza-slapped by A-Rod and you are begging for more.

You'll get another chance in August, but don't expect anything different. The pimp-slapping will be just as severe as it has been this series.

A-Rod is beauty and grace on and off the field.*

(*In case you were unaware, after dogging A-Rod for 2 years now, I decided in Spring Training that I was going to cheer for him this season as opposed to my usual booing of him...and look at the results. Yep, it's because of me.)

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

2007 Mock Movie Football Player Draft

Thanks to my boy, Paddio, over at OCP for finding this little nugget of hilarity over at Enjoy.

Rk. Team Player, Pos. School (if applicable)
Movie Actor Comment

1. Raiders - Joe Kane, QB Eastern State (The Program) Craig Sheffer Shakes drinking problem to become first overall pick in NFL Draft.
2. Lions - Johnny Utah, QB Ohio State (Point Break) Keanu Reeves Despite knee injury at OSU, Utah's promise makes him a logical pick for Lions.
3. Browns - Johnny Walker, QB State (Johnny B. Good) Anthony Michael Hall Any other year, Walker may go No. 1, but this draft class is loaded at quarterback.
4. Buccaneers - Jimmy Sanderson, WR N/A (Any Given Sunday) Bill Bellamy The fleet Sanderson is this draft's most talented receiver, and is also lucky with the ladies.
5. Cardinals - Rod Tidwell, WR Arizona State (Jerry Maguire) Cuba Gooding Jr. Sure, the Cardinals are loaded at receiver, but why not add another talented pass catcher to the mix?
6. Redskins - Manumana, C Texas State (Necessary Roughness) Peter Navy Tuiasosopo Massive Manumana to help reincarnate the ol' Hogs in D.C.
7. Vikings - Charlie Tweeder, WR West Canaan H.S. (Varsity Blues) Scott Caan What will Tweeder do with all that pro football money? Drink beer, because that's what Tweeder does.
8. Falcons (from Texans) - Andre Krimm, DL Texas State (Necessary Roughness) Sinbad Teacher-turned-football player now headed to NFL to help solidify Falcons' defense.
9. Dolphins - Frank Cushman, QB N/A (Jerry Maguire) Jerry O'Connell Went No. 1 overall on Jerry Maguire, but falls to ninth among this talented cast.
10. Texans (from Falcons) - Willie Beamen, QB San Diego State (Any Given Sunday) Jamie Foxx Has tendency to get a big head and make bad rap songs, but Texans dig his playmaking ability.
11. 49ers - Fredrick A. "Ogre" Polowaski, DL Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds) Donald Gibb 49ers continue extreme defensive makeover by adding an Ogre to the mix.
12. Bills - Julian Washington, RB N/A (Any Given Sunday) LL Cool J Bills desperate to find replacement for Willis McGahee.
13. Rams - Bud-Lite Kaminski, OL Eastern State (The Program) Abraham Benrubi Protected Joe Kane in college, and will protect J.P. Losman in pros.
14. Panthers - Paul Crewe, QB N/A (The Longest Yard) Burt Reynolds (1974), Adam Sandler (2005) Football-player-turned-convict turns into Panther.
15. Steelers - Charles Jefferson, LB Ridgemont High School (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) Forest Whitaker Jefferson plays best when he's really, really mad. So, that makes Jefferson the perfect replacement for often-angry Joey Porter.
16. Packers - Darnell Jefferson, RB Eastern State (The Program) Omar Epps Showed promise as starting halfback as freshman for Eastern State Wolfpack.
17. Jaguars - Levander "Bird" Williams, QB Central H.S. (Wildcats) Mykelti Williamson Goes from playing for female coach in high school to working with Jack Del Rio.
18. Bengals - Steve Lattimer, DL Eastern State (The Program) Andrew Bryniarski Lattimer seems like the perfect fit for Cincy's trouble-making defense.
19. Titans - Stefen Djordjevic, DB Cal-Poly (All the Right Moves) Tom Cruise Titans may just need Steff to replace Pacman.
20. Giants - Spike Hammersmith, Athlete Urbania Cowboys (Little Giants) Sam Horrigan Did his best to bust up Little Giants, but now a Giant himself.
21. Broncos - Alvin Mack, LB Eastern State (The Program) Duane Davis Potential top-10 pick fell far down teams' lists after gruesome leg injury against Iowa.
22. Cowboys - Dreamer Tatum, QB N/A (Semi-Tough) Carl Weathers Who knows if Tony Romo can recover from his botched snap debacle in the playoffs. So, Cowboys would be wise to go with a quarterback, just in case.
23. Chiefs - Phillip Elliott, WR N/A (North Dallas Forty) Nick Nolte The Chiefs need a reliable target at receiver, and Elliott fits that role.
24. Patriots (from Seahawks) - Brian Murphy, TE Gallaudet (The Replacements) David Denman Worried about that free-agency departure of Daniel Graham, Pats fans? Don't be, Murphy will fill void real nice.
25. Jets - Stan Gable, QB Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds) Ted McGinley Just how long will Chad Pennington play? That makes this the perfect time to add Adams College's finest football flinger.
26. Eagles - Forrest Gump, KR Alabama (Forrest Gump) Tom Hanks Eagles hope Gump can bolster kickoff and punt return teams.
27. Saints - Bobby Boucher, LB South Central Louisiana State (The Waterboy) Adam Sandler Madman tackler goes to New Orleans so he can stay close to his mama.
28. Patriots - Lucy Draper, K Texas State (Necessary Roughness) Kathy Ireland Tom Brady's new love interest?
29. Ravens - Billy Bob, OL West Canaan H.S. (Varsity Blues) Ron Lester No defender will get around Billy Bob. As added bonus, can also catch ball on hook-and-ladder play.
30. Chargers - Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea, Athlete Urbania Giants (Little Giants) Shawna Waldron Put "The Icebox" next to "Lights Out" and you've got one fearsome defense.
31. Bears - Gavin Grey, RB Louisiana State (Everybody's All-American) Dennis Quaid Why did the Bears trade Thomas Jones? Because they knew they could snag a talent of Grey's caliber in this draft.
32. Colts - Trumaine, CB Central H.S. (Wildcats) Wesley Snipes Colts in dire need of a shut-down cornerback after Nick Harper's departure.

What we learned. Clearly, The Program is Da U of fictional football players.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Fucking disgusted. That's the only way I can describe my feelings for this assfuck to the left, Cho Seung-Hui, who was responsible for the actions at Virginia Tech yesterday. What the hell would possess someone to kill innocent people? Jesus Christ.

There are way too many sick people in the world, that's for damn sure. I hope this asshole is burning in Hell right now.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the friends and family of those who lost their lives yesterday. Truly tragic. While in no way can I truly understand what those in Blacksburg are going through, the only thing I can give is my condolences. Terrible.

What a selfish prick. Not only is this dickhead one of the most villified murderers in US history, now his family has to live with the label of being related to this skidmark. And I feel for them as well. Crap like this is happening so often recently (ie. the guy that shot up the amish school in Pennsylvania), it just makes you sad that you live in a world where people would do that kind of stuff.

Monday, April 16, 2007

America...Now Even MORE Beautiful

I've been thinking a lot recently about the War on Terror (not really, but work with me here). How do we win? How do we prevent the loss of lives of our soldiers? How can we subdue attacks on our soil that can't be stopped by Jack Bauer?

The answer became as transparent as a bag of onion rings...The Hulkster. Who is more "American" than Hulk Hogan??? I mean this guy has beaten Andre The Giant, Rocky, AND Zeus for shit's sake!!! Name one guy that has one-upped can't do it! Even in the late 90's when Sgt. Slaughter turned into an Iraqi sympathist, what squashed him??? HULKAMANIA!!!

And this is why I propose a two-fold plan to instill the fear of God into all the terrorists of the world. Step 1: Get rid of the outdated Stars and Stripes flag (eventhough it was created by former mayor of Napoleon, Bob Heft) and replace with it the picture above. Not only is it threatening to our foes, it is inspirational!!! I mean what says "America" better than Zubaz spandex, a weighlifting belt, a fu-manchu, indoor sunglasses, and a 'do-rag??? Go down to the Deep South, people where that outfit to work!

Second, and most importantly, get rid of the Star Spangled Banner. It's widely known that it isn't a very good song and is definitely not catchy. What the fuck is a Rampart anyway??? Even Francis Scott Key would agree with my choice for our new national anthem...that's right, Real American AKA Hulk Hogan's theme song. Now this is inspirational. Rick Derringer sang it, too, rock and roll hoochie coo. This song gets me everytime. I used to listen to it before every intramural game to get me pumped and I once scored a hat trick in you KNOW it works. Follow some of the lyrics here:

When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside
Ya got to take a stand, it don't help to hide
If you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride
I got to be a man, I can't let it slide
I am a real American, fight for the rights of every man
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Now that's inspirational. THAT is Americana. Hulk Hogan will win the war on terrorism!!! Nothing beats googling "Real American lyrics". The video, beware, you WILL get chills running down your spine whenever Hulkamania runs wild!!!

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fuck You, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

This is the only time I'm going to comment on Don Imus, and I'm really not going to say anything about him. Eerily, doesn't Don Imus (doing his best Michael Landon impression) and the mugshot of Glenn Campbell look very, very similar???

OK, I attacked the athletes that actually believe Jesus is the reason for their successes on Monday, so why not attack African American politicians today!!!

Dear Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson:

Go fuck yourselves. I don't know where you two guys get off thinking that you make the world a better place, because you don't and no one gives a shit about what you think. Why in the hell do you think that you speak for the entire black community? I guarantee you two idiots that if I asked 100 black people if Sharpton and Jackson speak for them, they would ALL say "Hell no". So where do you get off being the talking head for entire race of people?

Also, Don Imus insulted the Rutgers women's basketball team...NOT YOU. Why did he have to sit down with you two cartoon characters? Same thing with Michael Richards. He didn't insult you, he insulted people in the audience. Why did you think you needed to get involved. And I know your reply even before you say it: "When they insulted them, they insulted all of us." No they didn't. I'm insulting you two right now and no one else. There is a big difference. But you two douche bags can't see that. All you can see is your interests; you know what I'm talking about: money and more money. You don't care about the people that are effected by this stuff, you care about yourselves.

All you guys do is fuck things up more than they already are. Oh, I'm sure you'll claim that you two were the driving forces behind getting Imus fired. That's incorrect in every sense. The only thing thing you two phonies bring to the table is allowing everyone in the general public to roll their eyes in unison due to all your outlandish and self-serving remarks. And why do you need to get involved anyway? When people say that "Mexicans are lazy and carry knives", you don't see former WWF wrestler, Tito Santana, demanding an apology. Or Yao Ming doesn't get all up in arms when I say, "that chinamen can't drive, he must be doing math." Where's Sandy Koufax or GOLDBERG when Jews are stereotyped as money-hungry, big nosed, bagel eaters???

If memory serves me, you two chastized the Duke Lacrosse players and claimed that the crime they were accused of was almost Hitler-esque. Umm, asswipes, all charges were dropped two days ago and I haven't heard either of you two drop an apology to those kids. Oh I know why!!! Because those lacrosse players were white and the liar was black. You will instead just choose to sit on your pedestal and assume that since they are white kids, they are probably guilty of something. Would you two have even said a word if that girl was white??? No, you wouldn't have because you two have your own agendas and helping out/sympathizing with white people is not on that.

So to sum things up, fuck you. Your over-inflated sense of self-worth is killing your reputation in the real, no, not the world you think you live in where white people walk around killing babies, but the REAL world. Shut the fuck up. And I'm going to say it. YOU TWO ARE NO BETTER THAN DON IMUS. You just choose to not say what you believe.


10 minutes after I posted this, I found this on that proves my point about these two assfucks (this is about the Duke lacrosse situation):

CNN's PAULA ZAHN: "Reverend Jackson joins me now.
Jackson: "Always good to see you. You see the issue of race involved in this case. The -- the idea that white men hire black women to strip for them is -- quote -- 'That fantasy is as old as slave masters impregnating young slave girls.'
Zahn: "Are you saying this alleged victim was raped because she was black?"
Jackson: "There's a race/sex/class intrigue in the situation. And the idea of white males fantasizing about black women is -- is quite old, quite -- and quite ugly, and now quite illegal. And that's why we really want the truth to be told. We want justice served. And we want the law to serve as a -- as a deterrent."
Zahn: "But, Reverend Jackson, one of the attorneys representing the captain of the lacrosse team says that, in saying what you're saying tonight, you're pandering to race. You're race-baiting, because there's no evidence that any of these players specifically asked for a black stripper."
Jackson: "Well, that's what they got and that's what they paid for."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Rune/Holly Pics With Classic G$ Analysis

1. They look like they are really high up. I would be vomiting uncontrollably at that height.
2. Classic photo, I did it once myself in Baton Rouge, it's always fun to make it look like you got arrested.
3. Tom Selleck Hollywood Walk of Fame Star...'nuff said. He should have a separate star for his mustache.
4. If memory serves me, The Comedy Store is where Cosmo Kramer went all crazy on the African American people.
5. Lovely wedding picture, congrats again you two.
6. And what would a wedding night be without...that's right...BUCKEYE BASKETBALL DRINKING GAME!!! Now that is a man dedicated to the craft.

He Picks Up Big Slick...And The Check!

Are you ready for some Guest-Blog Action??? Well here it is, from Rune, his mammoth story from his Vegas wedding weekend.

Hey G$,

So it's Thursday March 29th and Holly and I have decided to do it: Go to Vegas and get married. I'm upstairs trying to find a nice place to stay; after all it's going to be our honeymoon in Vegas. Holly's dad calls and tells us to reserve a room at the Bellagio because his old friend MIKE SEXTON will probably be able to get us the "casino" room rate. It turns out that Holly's dad, Bruce Trott, and MIKE SEXTON were teammates on the Ohio State men's gymnastics team in the late sixties and have remained friends to this day. I knew this before but never fully realized the magnitude of its awesomeness.

So we reserve the room at the Bellagio and check in on Friday afternoon, and the check in goes something like this:

Me: Hello, reservation for Middleton, MIKE SEXTON was supposed to call and get our room taken care of for us.

Front Desk: Yes, its all set for you. (Note: We paid for the room, but he got our rate for us.)

Fast Forward to Saturday. Bruce and I are checking casinos out while Holly and her mom are dress-shopping, and MIKE SEXTON calls Bruce a couple of times to set up something for that night. After the Buckeyes victory over Georgetown and dinner, we meet who else but, MIKE SEXTON and company for a couple of drinks in the Bellagio casino Baccarat Bar. He slips the hostess some bills and we get the "RESERVED" section. Its Holly, her parents, MIKE SEXTON, his girlfriend, his brother, his sister-in-law, his niece, two of her friends, and myself. We hang out for about an hour, all on MIKE's tab. During the course, I see him pull out a 4-inch wad of bills and the only thing I see is hundo's. We talk about the Buckeyes, the WPT, the Bellagio, and his and Bruce's good ol' days. Some sweet MIKE SEXTONisms.

"Yeah, I'm staying up in Malibu right now in a trailer that my announcing partner, Vince Van Patten hooked me up with."

"Yeah, gotta drink Anheuser-Busch, sponsor of the World Poker Tour, the don't have World Select so I'll have a Budweiser."

I ask Mike to say, "He's goin' for it Vince." He kind of brushes it off and changes the subject, but at the end when we're all saying good-bye, I ask him again and. . . he goes for it. "He's goin for it Vince, may all your cards be live and your pots monsters." Not enthusiastic, but beggars can't be choosers.

Considering it was the night before my wedding and I didn't have the usual party, MIKE SEXTON, in effect, threw me my bachelor's party. Then I took his ass for 30 large in a little heads-up, no-limit hold-em. Pretty sweet night.

Also, I'm getting sent to Okinawa (island just south of Japan) in early May until Feb. 08. I'm gonna be the Communications Officer for 2nd Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment. It is the Battalion Landing Team (BLT) for the 31st MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit). I'll be floating around in the Pacific, hitting Korea, Australia, and some other places for the next 8 months. Most likely not going to Iraq. Lee should be able to clarify all the Marine talk. I'll get you word and address and stuff when I get it. Likely from me to Holly to Meredith to Buke.

Talk to you later

***Excellent story, Rune. What we learned from this tale:
--Mike Sexton lives in a double-wide.
--He didn't type it, but when I talked to Rune about this and asked him what Sexton was like, he said, "He reminded me of Chief Wiggum." Now THAT is funny.
--Who knew gymnastics could be so cool.
--Next time I'm in Vegas, I'm definitely going to name drop Sexton to see if any discounts come my way.

In case you were wondering, and I am checking them out as soon as I'm done with this, I'm posting the link he sent me to his wedding weekend pics with instructions.

Holly and Aaron's Wedding Pictures:

click on the albums:

Our Wedding Weekend part 1

Our Wedding Weekend part 2

Hollywood Honeymoon part 1

Hollywood Honeymoon part 2

You can view the wedding on webcam at the following link:

At the bottom of page click on A. Middleton Wedding

***BIG NEWS!!! I think this guest blog thing worked out really, really well which has convinced me to open this up as a forum to some of my loyal readers. If you have a topic that needs discussed or a wild story that you want posted, email me the story and I will post it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

SWAT Team!!!

I have no shame in admitting that my favorite play in all of basketball is the blocked shot or SWAT. Here is nice little 2 minute collaboration of some of the finest SWATs in the history of the NBA. It includes an amazing Charles Barkley pack-job on my boy and fellow Miami alum, Ron Harper, and the grand finale is a Manute Bol SWATting spree in which he stuffs four shots in about 6 seconds. Enjoy, I'll post better tomorrow. There's really nothing to talk about today.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill...To Fayetteville!!!

OK, let me preface this a bit. John Pelphrey was just hired to be the head coach at Arkansas. Obviously from the picture, he played at Kentucky. He also played with Jamal Mashburn at UK. Mashburn was on The Sports Bash on ESPN Radio last night while I was driving home from work. John Seibel asked him the obligatory NBA questions and what he thought about UK''s new coach. Then he asked him about Pelphrey since they were teammates at UK.

Mash said that "John was a real good friend. I think it was John that took me out for the first time when I got to Lexington. Yeah, it was. We drove up to Cincinnati for an Andrew Dice Clay concert."

Hilarious. Arkansas Hoops fans, you are in good hands. When your new coach is a big fan of the Dice-Man, expect big things.

***On a side note, I found The Dice-Man funny when I was young when swearing was cool. I mean seriously, how is this funny:
"Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and weigh.
Along came a spider who sat down beside her and said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"

That's about as funny as Kevin Nealon. Anyway, Dice has not changed in 20 years and you have to respect that. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, it's a fucking Tuesday, a day in which I normally do not blog, so enjoy the picture of The Dice-Man!!!

Monday, April 09, 2007

I Couldn't Have Done It Without Jesus!!!

This kind of fits with what I'm going to be blogging about today, but it is one of my favorite movie quotes ever...from The Usual Suspects:

Agent Kujon: Do you believe in him, Verbal?
Verbal Kint: Keaton always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well, I believe in God -- and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

OK now, lets get back on topic. I watched The Masters this weekend in horror. It was painful to watch. Bad shot after bad shot. No charge by Tiger. Phil completely fucking me over in my office Masters pool. Relative no-namer Zach Johnson outlasting the field. But the REAL things that bothered me had nothing to do with the golf. Nothing at all.

After his round, Johnson was interviewed by Peter Kostas and the first thing out of his mouth with something along the lines of "I'm a man of deep faith and I would like to thank the Lord for this." My BIGGEST pet peeve in sports. No, no. Not that the man is a God-fearing Christian, but that he believes Jesus was the reason he won...a golf tournament.

This used to be The Cris Carter Rule for me. When he is on the field and being interviewed, turn the fucking channel unless you want to hear about how God was the reason he caught a first down pass. It had nothing to do with his QB, the offensive line that allowed the pass to get off, the coach for calling the right play, the defense for sagging, or all the coaching he had received over the years to put him in the right place at the right time. Nope. It was Jesus that caught that pass for him.

Same thing with Zach Johnson yesterday. Nevermind that there are wars going on, people starving, an endless amount of women showering that he could watch, internet porn, etc.; God was guiding your hands while you were putting yesterday, Zach. It was painfully obvious that you were experiencing divine intervention on a golf course yesterday. If God really cared about your golf game, why do you only have 2 wins as a 31 year old??? This is ridiculous.

Here's another thing I don't understand about the Cris Carter's and Zach Johnson's of the world. What happens when they suck??? If Zach Johnson fires an opening round 80 in his next tournament, will he thank Jesus then? I doubt it. When Cris Carter started dropping passes, was it God's fault?

And what are they really saying anyway? If Jesus has their backs, are they implying that their opponents are devil worshippers??? Does Tiger Woods have horns, a tail, and a pitchfork? If so, congratulations, Team Heaven, on getting that W yesterday. But I have a hard time believing that.

Let me give the Bible-hugging athlete a little advice. Faith is important, I can understand that. But it isn't a reason why you win. Countless hours of practice, supports from family and friends, your equipment company, your sponsors, etc.; those are reasons why you win.

Here's what Zach Johnson's interview should've sounded like:
PK - Zach, how you feeling right now?
Zach Johnson - I mean, wow, this is amazing. (Now get into Oscars acceptance speech mode).
***First, I'd like to thank my loving wife for supporting me throughout the ups and downs of being on tour. I won this one for her and our little girl.
***I'd like to thank the hooker that let me anally violate her last night while my wife was watching the kid at another hotel. That really got me loose and relaxed. The wife doesn't allow that. I could've done without her peeing on my back though.
***I'd like to thank my mom and dad for supporting me all these years.
***To all my family and friends who have stood by me.
***To my crystal meth dealer, a special thank you to you.
***To Tiger Woods, for being just a little bit more awful than me this week.
And now you add it...
***And to God for making this all possible. Thank you.

Then Phil wipes away his breast sweat and puts on your green jacket. End of show.

Is that so hard? Thank the people that stand by you on a daily basis FIRST!!! Once again, I would like to reiterate that I am NOT anti-God, I am a hater of self-righteous, ignorant people.

Got some good stuff coming up this week. I'm going to rank my all-time Adrenaline-pumping songs and I'm hoping to get a guest post by Rune about his dinner in Vegas with WPT host, Mike Sexton.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Tim Hardaway Hates Jay Buhner

"My people kept saying, 'Bring back Ken Phelps'"!
Atta boy, Jay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Heading back to Naptown this afternoon, leaving work early, so no big blog today. Back on Monday.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Derek Jeter Crushes More Ass Than You Do

Courtesy of One Nut Kruk. He ranks his top 10 baseball players that destroy a woman's integrity. Pretty good and not too long of a read. Here is his synapsis on Jeter:

1) Derek Jeter. As a Mets fan it pains me to admit this, but Jeter has pulled an amazing amount of ass in his career. We all know about the famous people, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, etc, etc. But just think about how much box he's crushed that we don't even know about. Just look at this picture I found. Jeter with 4 random girls. Clearly this situation went down something like this. Derek is walking along the beach when 4 girls approach him and say, " hey we would like to have sex with you." Derek replies, "Sure, lets take a picture first." They take the pic, Derek bones them on the beach and walks away. Jeter clearly takes this title by a mile.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Cincinnati Reds Are A Joke

Excellent pitching skills on display by Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory!!! How embarrassing. Where did they dig up Eric Davis from anyway? I thought he was dead.

This also reminds me of the Lexington trip when we went to Argosy, you know, the casino on the Ohio River. So I'm sitting at a blackjack table, we've got a pretty friendly dealer, and he starts out the deal by giving the first four people (I'm one of them) aces. The four of us are going nuts until he gives us something like a 6, 7, 6, and a 4 as seconds cards. The dealer's reply:

"Shoot, 0 for 4, I should play for the Reds." Now THAT is high comedy.

FYI, I finally figured out how to put YouTube videos on here (it is about the easiest thing in the world), so there should be a better frequency of posts coming from the quality blog.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Mr. Belding + Journey = Brilliance

The only thing that ruins this for me is Tony Romo. Haskins should have drilled him over the head with a guitar/his own penis.

But seriously, how random is this anyway? Crappy metal band, Overrated QB, and TV High School Principal.

Two Shining Moments

I typed this at OCP yesterday afternoon:
"The Buckeyes only chance in this game is if they win the Humphrey/Butler matchup. History shows that when LH is hitting his jumpers, Florida is unbeatable. On the other hand, Butler knocking down shots is key. If Butler outscores Humphrey, they win. The rest of the matchups are a wash for the most part."

Wow. Could I have been more right???

Don't give me this "I'm proud of you guys" charade like you tried to after the BCS game. You got outplayed, out-hustled, out-classed, outcoached, out-everything except for Oden.

Thoughts from the smartest man in the world:

--This has to start with the MONSTER effort from Greg Oden last night. That was special. He finally let loose and left it all out there. There is no doubt in my mind that he is gone and will be the #1 pick. That was domination at it's finest. Question though, does it bother you guys that he didn't even come close to playing with this sort of passion at all this season???

--Quit hating on Noah's game. You can hate Jo-No as a person and I would completely understand that. But to say that he sucks and that he's overrated is completely ignorant. HE ISN'T A SCORER. If you thought he was going to go for 20 last night, you're crazy. But he plays great defense, makes his weird free throws, and always seems to get key rebounds. He's a top 10 pick regardless of what you think anyway. If you want to judge him because he got into foul trouble, then Greg Oden sucks too because he gets into foul trouble. Look at his body of work, it's pretty damn impressive. I would take him playing next to Varejao in a heartbeat.

--Ron Lewis was Final Four least valuable player. After 4 great games leading up to Atlanta, he gave them almost nothing the last 2 games. He looked more like Bowling Green Ron who was terrible.

--Corey Brewer is a freak. Doing the stuff that he does at 6'9" is amazing. Absolutely stuffing Oden in the first half really impressed me. He's a top 10, maybe top 5 depending on who else comes out.

--If you don't like Lee Humphrey you're crazy. He has the same first name as Zamarripa.

--Chris Richard, after Oden, impressed me the most last night. This kid is just like a Chris Wilcox and will be a great edition to a playoff team drafting in the 20's. They guy is a freaking load.

--Is it just me or does Jo-No's dad look like the one guy from Milli Vanilli that killed himself?

--Billy Donovan is going nowhere.

--I think it would be cool if the 04's and Donovan all agreed to come back...a real dynasty.

And one more thing, and hopefully this burns at you Buckeye fans that are massive elitists. What does it feel like to finally know that Florida is better than you at every aspect of life? Better football. Better basketball. Better school. Better weather. College Chicks. Better golfing. Other stuff. They are better than you. I should move to Gainesville just so I won't be considered a loser. Ha, that last line was great.

There is nothing better than living in Columbus and watching the scarlet and gray turn into shit brown.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Site News With a Prediction

--Get ready, Columbus, you're going to see this again tonight. Florida 74, OSU 69. The sad thing is, CBS will be forced by the FCC to drop the "live" feed due to Greg Oden deep-throating Jo-No. That nickname was not as well-received as I thought it should have been by the staunch Buckeye supporters I was watching the Final Four with on Saturday.

--I posted a congratulatory note last week to Rune and Holly on their engagement. Well I got the call from Rune last night that they GOT MARRIED. From what he told me, they got married in Las Vegas last night. Congrats Aaron and Holly, best of luck.

--I hope you like the new format this blog has undertaken. I switched mainly because I didn't like how the other format wouldn't link separate articles. This version is way easier for Joe Blogreader to navigate.

--I am officially going global with this badass blog as I have registered with a new site, linked to the right, called Ballhype. This site ranks all the sports-esque blogs on the planet. I have no idea how to check the rankings but I did get an email from the site creator today telling me that this blog is "good stuff". So keep visiting the site and let's see if we can get this bitch up to #1 in the world.

--Visit The Big Picture, linked to the right, and vote for the Who Would You Do champion. The finals pit big time favorite, Erin Andrews, vs. Stacy Dales-not Schumann.

--Big TV week as 3 of my favorite shows are back for more. Today is the second greatest day of the year...The Shield Eve. Sunday marks the return of The Sopranos and Entourage. I am pumped out of my mind and can't wait to see what Vic Mackey has in store for Kavanaugh tomorrow night.

--I think that's it today, I'll have a nice little championship game recap tomorrow. CHOMP, CHOMP!!!