Thursday, March 29, 2007

The First Annual Lou Brown MLB Preview

After and incredibly terrible NFL prediction blog (Rod Marinelli coach of the year) and a mediocre NBA preview (seriously, the Clippers in the Finals and the Celtics in the playoffs), Old Lou Brown is here to help me with my baseball prognosticating and to give you guys a shitburger. We're just going to go division-by-division with a comment, more than likely not fact, about each team. You ready, Lou? Whoa, hold on a sec, Lou's got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls......ok, he's done. Let's get started.
AL East:
1. Yankees - Carl Pavano will set a career high in starts this year with eight. I expect a big (contract year) season out of my boy, Bobby "SWEET PEA" Abreu. You like the nickname I gave Abreu, Lou? "Fucking terrible".
2. Blue Jays - If manager John Gibbons can't beat up Ted Lilly, he better not even think about going after newly acquired DH and nutjob, Frank Thomas.
3. Red Sox - Lou agrees with me on this one...Dice-K is no match for DICE CLAY. Little Miss Muffett...EHHHHHH!!!!
4. Orioles - Kevin Millar = biggest douche bag in sports
5. Devil Rays - It really says something about your organization when your highest paid player of all time is...wait for it comes...GREG VAUGHN!!! That's right, THEE Greg Vaughn.
AL Central:
1. Tigers - Ugh. This hurts. I would like to congratulate Justin Verlander for grabbing those endorsements from Mountain Dew, Spam, and Pabst. White trash asshole. Kenny Rogers should be locked in a cell with Saddam listening to nothing but Led Zeppelin while watching bad episode after bad episode of That 70's Show.
2. Indians - I have to ask Lou to leave the room on this one...he still can't believe that Eric Wedge is a manager at any level while he works at TireWorld. It's just not fair. Second place is the only place that Wedge can take this team.
3. Twins - Ron Gardenhire and Justin Morneau have to go and replace them with Timothy Busfield and the kid manager from Little Big League.
4. White Sox - This is the year that Ozzie Guillen's head explodes. I mean seriously, the guy has lived here for almost 3 decades and he speaks less English than Sammy Sosa at a steroids hearing.
5. Royals - This team would win the division if they brought back those powder blue uni's from the 80's and dug up the corpse of mustachio'ed submariner, Dan Quisenberry. Lou just said, "Kansas City has the best shitburgers in the country." OK???
AL West:
1. Angels - This was really hard for Lou and I since they introduced the two worst things in the history of baseball not named Kenny Rogers: Thundersticks and The Rally Monkey.
2. Mariners - Looking at their roster, they're about a year away from relocating to Tokyo. Lou: "Damn Slopes".
3. A's - Added a queerbait in the offseason with the Mike Piazza signing...that can't be good. But they are looking to lead the league again in "most fans hit in the head with a folding chair by the opponents' worst middle reliever".
4. Rangers - Sammy Sosa. Sammy Sosa? SAMMY SOSA HOME RUN, LALALALALALALALA!!! That's what ESPN Deportes will be broadcasting four times this season.
NL East:
1. Mets - It's going to be tough to win games when your starters can't get out of the third inning. Kris Benson's gone and that takes away some distractions. Lou, what's your opinion on Anna Benson? "Batshit crazy, but I'd still wiggle-dunk those purple bulldog cheeks." Fair enough.
2. Phillies - I can't remember if they fired lovable hayseed manager Gomer Pyle--err, Charlie Manual. Lou, do you know about this? "Shut the hell up, Gmoney, I'm on the phone with Tony Cramer and we're comparing gravelly voices/awesomeness." I think Jamie Moyer is old enough to be Lou's dad.
3. Braves - Oh, how I long for the days when Ted Turner was doing "The Chop" in a very robotic fashion during playoff games.
4. Marlins - Hey, Lou. What do you think about stud 3B Miguel Cabrera? "I'm not a big fan of Latinos." But what about Cerrano? He helped you fake beat the Yankees. "Are you kidding? He was a basketcase. The guy couldn't hit an Eddie Harris batting practice curveball. Why anyone threw him a fastball is something I will never get." That's a great point, Lou.
5. Nationals - What a train wreck of a team, right Lou? "I'm tired of this nickel and dime bullshit!" Don't get us wrong, Lou and I know a ton about baseball but together we can't name 5 guys on this team.
NL Central or as I like to call it, The Turd in the Punchbowl:
1. Brewers - Eh, why not, it is Algonquin meaning "The Good Land" and it is the only city to ever elect 3 Socialist mayors. "What are you talking about? I thought we decided the Brewers would win because my tire distributor is in Milwaukee?" Right you are, Lou, my apologies.
2. Cardinals - Got to respect a manager celebrating his World Series win with a Spring Training DUI, right Lou? "I've had my share of DUI's, all great men have spent a night in the Drunk Tank." What do you think of Scott Rolen? "Gay version of Roger Dorn."
3. Astros - When your stadium is named after juice (orange, not Jose Canseco's book), you aren't going to have a lot of success. FYI, Lou just stepped out to take a "steak shit". Atta boy.
4. Cubs - You can't polish a turd. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Whatever other metaphor you want to insert concerning a team that gives a bunch of bad players a lot of money and prays that it works out. It ain't happening.
***Lou's back...he's naked for some reason. "You're out of towels, and I'm too old to go diving into lockers!" Touche, I can live with it if you can.
5. Reds - Awful. "I once banged Marge Schott while she was throwing out racial slurs at Dave Parker. Her dog took a shit on my foot." That's an incredibly strange story.
6. Pirates - One of the best porno's ever. As Houck and Glick would say, "it's actually a good movie." Couldn't agree more. I'm gonna go hunt me some ppppppirates. "Are we gonna watch porn or what? I have Buttjammers XIV ready to go." Hold on, Lou, let's get this finished.
NL West:
1. Dodgers - Personally, I love Chad Billingsley...local boy that played for the old man. Good stuff. Lou, what's your take on new leadoff hitter Juan Pierre? "He may run like Hayes but he hits like shit."
2. Diamondbacks - Thankfully, they rid me of having to cheer for Randy Johnson. Brandon Webb is my fantasy ace (my team name is Cory Lidle Airlines, suck it) so I have to give him props. "Randy Johnson. Now that's a haircut you can set your watch to."
3. Padres - No playoffs this season for Whale's Vagina. Lou, what do you think is the biggest weakness for the Padres this season? "They haven't signed Clew Haywood yet." Agreed.
4. Giants - Got to respect a guy that will die 20 years before he should to break a record. Big time Barry Bonds fans here. Lou, what's your take on San Fran? "Too many fags." Oh, Lou, you are too much.
5. Rockies - I still hold a grudge against Colorado from two summers ago when I actually paid to watch them play at The Jake and they only had 3 guys play that I had heard of...and one of them was DESI RELAFORD. "The Rockies is where I hunt bears." Thanks, Lou.
Playoffs? Is that what you said? Playoffs!
ALDS: Yankees over Tigers in 4, Angels over Blue Jays in 5.
NLDS: Mets over Brewers in 4, Dodgers over Phillies in 3.
ALCS: Yankees over Angels in 5
NLCS: Dodgers over Mets in 7
World Series: Yankees over Dodgers in 6.
MVP's: AL-Derek Jeter, NL-Jose Reyes
Cy's: AL-Johan Santana, NL-Chad Billingsley
Any final thoughts, Lou? "This old body could use a good soak." Sounds good.
FYI, it took me almost an hour to find a picture of Lou Brown (James Gammon).
Congratulations go out to my boy Aaron "Rune" Middleton and his fiancee, Holly, on their engagement.

Monday, March 26, 2007

My Fight With Perfection

(***Disclaimer; this is probably my favorite story ever)

I'm reading the NCAA post-weekend fall-out this morning at work and I find this interesting little nugget about Florida's pre-game on Thursday night before they beat Butler. Apparently, Billy Donovan is the smartest man ever as instead of giving his team a pep-talk himself, he brought in Ric Flair to do it instead. Wow! Now that is coaching. I guess The Nature Boy was strutting and Wooooing like crazy in front of these kids right before they took the floor...I can't even comprehend how awesome this would've been to see live. Because of this, and I had them anyway, Florida is going to repeat easily because no other team could top getting Ric Flair to support them. Congratulations, Gators, on going back to back. It's over, no need to play the games.

Of course, this got me thinking. My boss is out sick today so I've been doing even less than I normally do. It got me thinking about the greatest story ever told. The night I was almost killed by Mr. Perfect (The Genius was not there although he looks magnificent in this picture).

OK. I'm 16 years old and it's Thanksgiving break. Black, Rune, Buke, Shegitz, Glick (I think), and myself head up to Seagate Center in Toledo for a taping of WCW Saturday Night. You know, the show that WCW used to run that featured terrible matches and never advanced any storylines. Anyway, to start things out, we leave at like 3 pm and Buke is already hammered. He's laying in the back of John's Wagoneer (yes, THEE Wagoneer) and rainbow vomits all over himself no more than 5 minutes into the trip. We had to pull over on 24 to clean his ass up. Alright, we get up there and our seats are general admission so we're waiting in line forever so we can get near the rail where the wrestlers walk down and get on tv. I should tell you that I took a big tube of eye-black that baseball players wear and painted a Hulk Hogan beard on looked terrible. I also made signs!!! I really can't remember that much but if memory serves me, I had a sign that featured our Pacers intramurals logo (Superman logo but with a P instead of an S), one that read (For a Good Time, Call [whatever Zamarippa's phone number was] and Ask For Armando, and a (Goldberg Fears Z-Man) sign. They all got on tv. I should also point out that while we are waiting in line to get in for two and a half hours, Buke was passed out on the floor of the arena with puke all over his pants. But I did get former terrible wrestler, Glacier's autograph. You're jealous.

The matches were terrible. Buke woke up only to almost get ejected by getting caught on camera by the WCW guys flipping off Eddie Guerrero. This was hilarious by the way. These big white trash HJ's screaming at a 15 year old kid that was drunk out of his mind. If anyone remembers Miss Jackie (I think she may have been with Harlem Heat at the time), he did propose to her that night in the parking lot.

Which brings me to my story. We have nowhere to go when the show ends so we all go back to the wrestler's parking lot and wait for them to leave. There's a group of about 15 people standing around each exchanging insults to yell at the wrestlers, for some unknown reason, before they got in their car. All of a sudden, it's my turn. I'm standing next to Black and say "I'm gonna pick a fight with whoever walks out next." And by God, who comes strolling out the door about 10 seconds later...

Curt Fucking Hennig. Mr. Perfect.

"SUCK MY ASS, HENNIG, YOU BITCH! I'LL WHIP YOUR ASS!"--me, screaming this as loud as I can due to him being about 30-40 yards away

He says nothing. But I do notice that he is walking right toward me. He gets about 20 yards away and I'm trying to decide "Do I have the balls to fight Mr. Perfect?" I decide I do not. I start running away from the group, not too far away, but far enough for Hennig to know that I'm a giant vagina. He gets into his car, I thank God that I'm not on the receiving end of a "Perfect-Plex" and that I did not shit myself, and he pulls out of the lot.

To save some face, I thought it was best if I insulted him again. So here I am with my fake Hulk Hogan eye-black beard, chasing Mr. Perfect's car down the street in downtown Toledo.


I'm about 15 yards from his back bumper until I noticed that the traffic light we were both approaching was yellow. We both hit the brakes, him in his car, me on my feet. The only difference was that he waited at the light while I ran back to my buddies with my tail between my legs.

Fast forward to some random day in 2003 when I read that Curt Hennig was found dead in his hotel room somewhere. I think I read later that it was a drug overdose or something. That day was also probably the last time I thought of this great tale.

Hennig, you may have won the battle on the mean streets of Toledo, but I won the war.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Airing of Grievances

Thank you, Ohio State. You have had such a positive impact on my life over the past week. Somehow, I'm sure you're also responsible for the sinus infection that I'm currently dealing with and let me tell you, I'm digging it. Nothing beats sucking down Halls like a Lockbourne Avenue resident with their crack habit. Here are some other things I'd like to thank Thad Matta and his team for:
1. Completely busting my bracket - If you live in Ohio and enter bowl/bracket pools, you have to realize one thing...everyone here is a Homer and will pick OSU to go way too far regardless of their talent. That's why, if you want to win the cash money, you have to pick the upset. You have to want OSU to lose. Because when OSU loses, 3/4 of the people you're up against's brackets are reduced to toilet paper. Why do you think my dad won both bowl pools he was in and I finished 4th in the only one I was in...pick against OSU, financially it makes so much sense. Tennessee was my call. They were my bank shot. My pool winner. Needless to say, up 20 with 10 seconds left in the first half...I'm feeling pretty damn good about winning The Stube pool. But it was not meant to be. Apparently, the sports Gods believe that the Redhawks winning the MAC this season is the only good feeling I should ever feel again as a fan. So now I'm sitting here like Howard K. Stern. I know I'm not going to win the pool or in his case, the DNA test. But I sit here with hope, much like Howard...because if a few things go my way and everyone against me is a complete idiot, maybe, just maybe, I can cash in in the end. And that, my friends, is what you call a well-crafted analogy.
2. Bringing non-existent fans onto the bandwagon - Be honest, OSU is a football school. Ohio is a football state. Not really a hotbed for hoops. But now that The Thad 5 (awful moniker by the way) are winning in March, all these d-bags come out of the woodwork to tell you how great they are. But you don't fool me. I didn't mind OSU hoops before, I really didn't. The fan base wasn't nearly as obnoxious as the football diehards. But now those shitheads are on board, too, and life as a Buckeye hater is insufferable. I can handle them winning, not ugly like they are, but them winning, but I can't handle listening to a group of people talking near my cubicle about how Mr. Bath Robe, Greg Oden, was a beast last night...DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE GAME??? He was as bad last night (actually the last two games) as he possibly could be. Ugh.
3. Bringing back the theory that you don't have to play the full 40 minutes - Clearly, you don't. They are proving it. This is exactly how a team with Randy Moss, T.O., Vince Carter, Chris Webber, and Manny Ramirez would play. Coast for 20+ minutes and then flip a switch at the end of the game to come up with some crazy win. Due to this reason, I don't know how anyone can root for this team that isn't an alum/student. THEY DON'T PLAY 40 MINUTES OF BASKETBALL. They play down to the level of their competition (see the two close games they played with Penn St.). It drives me nuts. Each one of those players should look themselves in the mirror and it would be easy to see why none of them were on my All-Man Crush Team 2006-2007.
4. Knocking out Bruce Pearl and Chris Lofton - For some strange reason, my favorite non-Charlie Coles coach and non-Redhawk player ended up on the same squad this season which is why I was sad to see them go. I love Bruce Pearl's passion and his desire to paint his chest for a woman's hoops game for some reason. I love Chris Lofton for the proverbial big balls that he plays with. The guy is the Brett Favre of college hoops in the fact that he can and will gun it up from anywhere on the court. I love that. It is sad to see them go away in such a weird, shitty way.
5. Making me root for John Calipari - I don't know if I've ever done that before. He is just a very objectionable coach. I still wish Jon Chaney would've "kicked his ass" a decade ago. There is nothing to like about Calipari. He looks like someone that would be a numbers runner for Tony Soprano. A real small time, mafia-style criminal. But as much as I dislike him, he isn't affiliated with Ohio State and that's good enough for me. One good thing for Memphis is that they do have some karma on their side from last year's Elite 8 loss to UCLA (which won me money in my office pool by the way). OSU has to battle with way beyond negative karma so this could be a good thing.
Who gives a shit anyway, the tournament has been awful this upsets = no one cares.
One more thing from the roadie last weekend. Down in Lexington, some kid was wearing a shirt that read, "My two favorite teams are Utah and whoever plays BYU." That's priceless. Who would buy that???
PBA World Championship this Sunday at 2...sure does bring back good memories of me getting my Walter Ray Williams, Jr. autograph...good times.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Kentucky Hot Brown

Kentucky Hot Brown is the name of some weirdo thing that our dining hall served once my Freshman year at Miami...I still have no idea what it means or is, but the name alone is hilarious. Here's the rundown.

-The first three games were terrible. Although they got killed, Brook Lopez can play, his brother couldn't beat Barry Sonnenberg today.
-Louisville fan are nuts, very annoying, but very passionate and absolutely owned Rupp.
-Speaking of which, Rupp Arena is amazing...truly a basketball shrine.
-The BYU/Xavier was a great game. Danny Ainge's kid is a really good PG.
-The Xavier fans traveled very well and I would say, on Saturday, were close to filling up 20% of the gym, OSU 25%, A&M 5%, and the Ville had half the fans there. Everyone was rooting for X that wasn't wearing scarlet and gray.
-Listening to ESPN radio the whole way home and seeing Sportscenter, I can't believe there hasn't been any controversy about Oden's 5th foul being such a blatant cheap shot flagrant foul. When you double forearm shiver someone basically into the band, THAT IS A FLAGRANT FOUL. I hate OSU.
-You don't really see all that Acie Law does for that team until you can watch him live. The guy is a flat out stud and the definition of a glue guy.
-Nothing beat seeing all those Louisville bumpkin fans downtrodden after their loss.
-Great exchange between a couple of greenhorns after the OSU/X game and this is the gist of it:
Drunk Buckeye fan that looked like Adam Trauthwein: No team that sucks dick is going to knock out the #1 seed!!!
Drunk, toothless 'Ville fan: Fuck you, bitch, let's go, I'm gonna beat your ass.
It got broken up, but nevertheless, it was hilarious and happened right in front of us. Which also led to a random Kentuckian wearing a denim jacket and with his mop top over his ears to tell us that not all Kentuckians are hilljacks. It was a great 4-5 minute exchange.
-This may come as a surprise, but the three hottest cheerleading squads were 1. BYU, 2. A&M, 3. wasn't even close, BYU's broads were smoking. The guys sitting in front of us brought binoculars JUST to see them...Buke thought this was a great idea.
-Anyway, started off with three shitball games and ended with three of the best games in the tournament...great time.

I did, however, forget my camera in the hotel on Thursday so the pictures start on Friday...all apologies. Thursday did feature:
***the four of us slamming beers in between games at a local watering hole
***the very large African-American sitting next to me at the bar starting our conversation with this question--"Would Layla Ali knock you out?"
My reply "Why are you asking me that? I guess it depends how many rounds the fight is."
Him: "I don't know, six."
Me: "SIX ROUNDS! I couldn't even get through half a round, of course she would knock me out."
Him: "Not me, I'd kick her ass."
I'm gonna be generous, this guy weighed about 4 bills and thinks he could go 6 rounds in a boxing ring with a pro boxer. He couldn't beat Glass Joe.
***Buke brought out this gem, "I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep if I'm not drunk."

Check out the pics.

KY Photo Book 1

1. Swihart and I before the Redhawks game...I look nervous, I think Josh senses my fear.
2. This picture is way out of order, but this is after the 20-0 run Oregon went on...this would also be the pose I make if I am ever sodomized.
3. Back to pre-game, Damman says "I'll take the under in the Miami/Oregon game"...he is a winner.
4. Buke is giving a shout out to John Amaechi by ordering a Bloody Mary...and getting caught in a very strange facial expression.

KY Photo Book 2

I don't know how to rotate pictures so deal with it.
1. Miami goes up 9-0 to start the game vs. Oregon.
2. How can you fucking miss that call, ref?
3. Halftime, Redhawks down 3. Damman is totally giving me the thumbs up for wearing my "1986 MAC Champs" t-shirt.
4. I title this pic, "Get That Shit Out of Here" courtesy of a big time Mike Bramos swat.
5. Redhawks cut it to 1 and I'm totally embarrassing myself at BW3 by screaming at the TV.

KY Photo Book 3

1. Damman says "Get the fuck in, we're going to the casino." We should've done a before and after of this mini-trip...ouch.
2. G$ enjoying some delicious Shell Pizza...mmmm Shell Pizza.
3. Packing up the cars and checking out, I'm pretty sure Swihart was going to hit Buke in the head with my shovel that I keep in my trunk for some strange reason...too bad Damman and I were witnesses.
4. Biggest white trash lady ever...Wendy's sure can crank them out. Threw out this gem of a line: "I tole that man this mornin' to bring up more taters." Priceless.
5. Apparently, this is the oldest house in could still hear the ghosts of slaves.

KY Photo Book 4

1. An all-black toilet??? Amazing. Definitely picture-worthy.
2. Damman, Josh, and Buke say "Fuck it. Bud Light and an NIT game on at noon are a perfect combination." FYI, this is before Saturday afternoon's game.
3. Buke slamming some tequila before noon...dear God. Ron Lewis himself would be proud. Damman is definitely impressed with this display of unadulterated alcoholism that would also make Scooter from Hoosiers proud.
4. You can't really tell because he moved away, but this old black guy had the biggest pipe I'd ever seen. Was it filled with tobacco? Not likely. Crack? Not in Kentucky. Hashish? Now we're talking.

KY Photo Book 5

1. Is there anything in the world worse than a face-painter??? What a bunch of fucking tools.
2. OSU/X honoring America...which is strange since everyone knows that Buckeyes = Terrorism.
3. The great Gus Johnson from afar...and Dan "Don't Call Me Boner" Bonner.
4. Mr. Acie Law IV...the guy is a stud. These pics don't really do justice to how good our seats were. Don't believe the pic, we weren't sitting in the last row. Not a bad seat in that place.

KY Photo Book 6

Pic 1. Damman left at halftime of the Louisville/A&M game primarily because Nerdy McGreen Hat was going to beat his ass. They got into a bit of smack talking showdown during the end of the X/OSU game, this guy was such a nerd...he would've killed Damman.
2. Meet the biggest douche bag ever. Showed up at halftime of the second game with a Zidane jersey, a nylon bank-robber style cap, and for some reason a broom. He heard me call him a douche bag too.
3. Really good pic of Rupp in my opinion. Nice place.
4. Buckeyes win the tip and X comes out...MAN-TO-MAN!!!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Lexington Pics

I'm gonna try to get the pictures from Lexington up tonight. But my tv schedule (Prison Break, 24, and The Black Donnelly's) could get in the way. If not, I will definitely have them up tomorrow...especially if I can get them on my work computer.

Roy Howard Browning says "Ummm...fuck you."

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

One More Before I Go...

Thank you faithful blog reader, Scott Rex, for this wonderful pic of Charlie Coles from CMU. There's your namedrop.
I had to tell this story quick before we leave for KY tonight:
So I turn on the Cavs/Kings last night right when they are showing the starting lineups and see LeBron isn't playing. Oh, that's great, they've won 6 in a row and now he's hurt. And who does Mike Brown decide to start instead of 'Bron??? None other than Mr. Played 10 Minutes ALL SEASON and former Redhawk great, Ira Newble.
Now don't get me wrong, I love Ira, he was really good in college and played his heart out for Mother Miami, but he is easily one of the 5 worst players in the NBA. But Mike Brown starts him. Hmmmmmm...
What do you know, Ira brought his ugly shot last night and rattled home THREE 3's in the first quarter. Ended up with 12 points and 7 boards in the Cavs romp over the Kings. He even earned the customary postgame Jeff Phelps interview that is used for the guy who played good that night that I'm sure Ira has never been on. Here's what transpired in the convo:
Phelps: Ira, great game tonight, and pretty good last few days up here for your Miami Redhawks.
Newble: Yeah, definitely. Charlie Coles is one of the greatest coaches in the nation. We will beat Oregon.
Ira looked right into the camera when he said that we will beat Oregon...sent chills down my spine. So now, after that, I'm officially sold that we will beat the Ducks. Not like that son of a bitch, Kuehn, who celebrated with me in Cleveland Saturday night but picked Miami to lose in the first round. Asswipe. Morals are more valuable that money!
If one of the worst players in the NBA tells me that we are going to win...THEN WE ARE GOING TO WIN. Shock the world, bitch. Enjoy the tournament, I know I will.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Let The Madness Begin...

OK, I'm finally coming back to Earth after my 72 hour high of my Redhawks winning the MAC title in such a dramatic fashion. It's time to start focusing on the Big Dance, winning money in the bracket pools, and thoroughly enjoying are basketball and alcohol Lexington mini-vacation. Much like my NFL viewpoints I did in December, I'm going to throw out a bunch of randoms to watch out for over the next month. Here we go:
**First things first, Scott, can you re-send me that pic of Charlie post-game from CMU's press room, I can't find it.
**Steve Alford will be fired by Iowa
**Tommy Amaker should be fired by Michigan
**I loved the Carmelo-led Orange when they won the title in 2003, but I absolutely hate Jim Boeheim and all the whining he does today. He is pathetic.
**Akron got what they deserved, no postseason tournament. Make a fucking free throw.
**Florida is my pick to win it all. I don't like teams that say they can flip a switch, but, if Lee Humphrey can hit the trey, they will be almost impossible to oust.
**Butler will be the first of three 5 seeds to lose in the first round. They aren't athletic and the book is out on how to beat them. Look for Old Dominion to represent the CAA well.
**Maryland/Davidson is an interesting matchup...never bet against a team that has Daryl Strawberry rooting for them.
**Similar to the NFL theory, if EVERYONE says that something is going to happen, it won't. Notre Dame will beat Winthrop. You are a sucker if you think the Eagles make a run. I nominate ND C Luke Harangody as one of my favorite players in the nation. Doesn't he look an awful lot like former NHS great, Jason "Big Hudha" Gerken???
**I don't like the Redhawks matchup with Oregon, but I don't hate it either. If they can control the tempo and hit a few jumpers, I am positive that the great Charlie Coles can outcoach The Village Idiot of Eugene, OR, Ernie Kent.
**UNLV is a scary team...
**Wisconsin will be the first big seed to lose...they just aren't impressive and haven't shot well in the last month.
**I will never buy in to Kansas until Bill Self. and the choke job that he carries around with him every March, gives me reason to.
**Even though they shouldn't, UK will fire Tubby Smith if they lose in the first round.
**Illinois is a lock to beat Va Tech...this game is so uninteresting. Va Tech does nothing for me at all.
**Southern Illinois will get to the Sweet 16...and if they can come up with a mammoth effort, get to the Elite 8.
**I hate to say this but Duke will beat VCU...somehow. VCU is better but Coach Kfdasjkrew will find a way. I hate Duke, don't get me wrong, but I love PG Greg Paulus. I always have respect for a guy that plays hard ALL THE TIME, no Rudy Gay bullshit, non-stop constantly. Josh McRoberts is still a loser at the game of life.
**Wright St. PG DaShaun Wood (another favorite) will give Pitt problems, but Pitt's size will get them to the Sweet 16...even if Aaron Gray is the second most overrated player in the nation.
**Unless Indiana and tournament disaster Kelvin Sampson come up with an amazing effort that they haven't played with all season, UCLA can pack their bags for Atlanta.
**North Carolina. Man, they can run. I just think that youthful mistakes catch up to you. And don't forget that they have the most overrated player in the nation, Ol' Facemask Tyler Hansbrough. I hate his game. He is slow, he holds the ball below his waist so guards can strip it, and his post moves plain suck. He will cost them in the Sweet 16.
**Marquette/Michigan St. could be really fun, and don't sleep on the winner, they will have a good chance to beat UNC.
**Arkansas is playing for Stan Heath's job (another favorite of this blog) and they have to prove the critics wrong. They will push USC.
**Reggie Theus (looks like A-Rod) is going to have to summon all of his Hang Time coaching skills to have a chance to beat everyone's darling team, Texas. Who doesn't love Kevin Durant? Raise your retarded hands. This team will beat UNC and vie for a Final Four slot.
**Al Skinner is the worst coach ever. Bob Knight sucks in the tournament the last 20 years. BC wins because Jared Dudley looks like Mary Zehnder...I don't think it's that much of a stretch either.
**Georgetown is a monster. Unstoppable. Great defense, amazing post presence, and their guards are coming along...they will be in the championship game.
**I've not liked the Buckeyes all season just becuase they take so many terrible shots, but Oden is awake and playing like a freak. But they could have used a loss down the stretch to ground them a bit. I'm pulling a big upset card by saying they lose in the Sweet 16.
**Watch out for BYU, the mormons can play and sell bibles door-to-door.
**Tennessee is my big time sleeper. Chris Lofton is my #1 non-Kevin Durant, non-Redhawk man crush. They have a big score to settle with the Buckeyes after losing there in January on Ron Lewis's crap three. Elite 8 for my boy, Bruce Pearl...and they have a guy named Chism.
**Virginia sucks.
**Louisville/Stanford will be fun. The Lopez Twins are the real deal, but can you pick against the 'Ville playing in KY???
**A&M is going to the Final Four if they can get by Louisville. Playing the Regional in San Antonio is a gift and Acie Law is definitely on the man-crush team of this blog.
**I think Memphis is better than everything thinks but I could see them losing to Nevada in round 2.

Wrap it up. Final Four - Florida, UCLA, Georgetown, and Texas A&M

All Man-Crush Team
G - Greg Paulus, Duke
G - Acie Law IV, A&M
G - Chris Lofton, Tennessee
F - Kevin Durant, Texas
C - Luke Harangody, Notre Dame
My bench consists of Redhawks Tim Pollitz, Doug Penno, and Michael Bramos.

This team would win every game.

Enjoy the Dance, Lexington has some really good games and I will post a bunch of pics on here when we get back and if I can figure out how to work my digital camera. Peace, I'm out until Sunday or Monday.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Greatest Game of All Time

Words can't describe how proud I am of my boys from Miami. The pictures say it all. Thanks Geoff and Sarah for the ugly mug finally made the blog.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Sports Bonin'

A couple of good sports/sex stories out there right now. Let's break them down.

1. LSU women's hoops coach Pokey Chatman resigns due to reports of sexual relationship with former player

--This is awesome. This is everything that I was hoping women's sports was about. Two girls getting nasty in the shower. Pokey's a good looking woman too which makes the visions of her munching rug even better...not the typical (redacted) militant dyke at all. I'm just hoping to God she wasn't doing the girl in the picture on the left that looks like Beetlejuice from Howard Stern or the one in the middle that looks like Dwyane Wade. This is exactly what men need to pay attention to women's hoops, more lesbos. This blog's rule about women's hoops is: "If the most exciting play in your sport is a lay-up, there better be a good supply of attractive box-chowers." Can you imagine hearing this during the Final Four:

Jim Nantz: Oh, Susie Jones just looks tired out there.

Billy Packer: Can you blame her? Coach Chatman won't let her take that butt plug out until after the game!!!

Bill Raftery: ONIONS!!!

I would totally watch that.

2. Tom Brady: King of the Bastards

--Tom Brady is back at it again. And by "back at it", I mean he's knocking up another chick. This time, Gisele. Rumor has it that Brady now has two out-of-wedlock kids on the way. Way to go, Tommy!!! Look, we get it. You can nail whatever you want, whenever you want. But I would think that after the first time with R-list actress, Bridget Moynahan, you would start bagging it up again. Not Tom. He's invincible. Especially with Gisele. She's been with DiCaprio and probably a host of others. Take care of yourself, Tommy, now you're going to have to pay child support all over the globe.

I was going to type more, but the boss just said I could go home early, so fuck this, I am out!!!


Monday, March 05, 2007

Name Something You Take To The Beach...

There is no question in the eyes of this blog that Family Feud is the greatest game show of all time. The Price is Right and Jeopardy can suck Family Feud's cock. Good pacing of the show with a great dynamic between the insane families and wacky hosts made for some quality programming. But not all hosts were the same, there were some hits and misses. Without further ado, I will rank the best hosts from worst to first...

5. Richard Karn - No, no, no. What a terrible decision. Al Borland had no right to be on this show. His whole cache was his flannel shirts, beard, and ability to not be funny on the disaster known as Home Improvement. He was a train wreck from the start. Awful baaaaah, terrible baaaaah.

4. John O'Hurley - I've only seen him host once, but I think he's a good fit. He has the dry wit that makes an entertaining host. I have no idea what's going on with him in the pic above, but I think he's going to have a nice long run as host. Being Peterman on Seinfeld is great but his Dancing With The "Stars" queerness will keep him in the bottom half.
3. Ray Combs - Always entertaining and looked like he had a good time doing the show. He was from Ohio which is cool. He was from the Cincinnati area which is not cool. Killing himself keeps him at #3 as that has been a long standing rule of this blog, no suicides. He looked like he was a midget. Not to mention a Cabbage Patch doll.
2. Richard Dawson - a little before my time but I've seen a lot of clips of his hosting ability and the man was brilliant. A known coke fiend and lover of anything with a vagina, you can see him fidget with his nose a lot on old broadcasts as well as make out with everyone that didn't have a dong. I'd be willing to bet that he nailed 50% of the women contestants. And how 'bout them mutton chops!!! I'm sure this conversation happened a lot during his era:
Director: Where the fuck is Dawson, we're ready to shoot???
Stagehand: Oh, he's in his dressing room with the Jones family. He's plowing the grandma and blowing smack off the granddaughter's ass.
Director: Again?

1. Louie Anderson - I absolutely loved Louie. I don't care about the arrest for blowing some guy in Vegas. I don't. The guy is hilarious. He could barely read, which was groin-grabbingly funny and was more thank likely a nightmare for the director. My favorite part of Louie's reign on the show was all the self-depracating humor that he made about his weight. Example:

Louie: Name something you have for lunch?
Guy: Ham Sandwich!!!
Louie: (wiping away his drool) Oooooooh, I love ham sandwiches!!!
No shit, Louie, you way 450 fucking pounds. Bob Masturbator could've figured out that you like ham sandwiches. And then he would say something that made no sense, something along the lines of:

Louie: Name something you put on your car for the winter?
Guy: Snow tires!!!
Louie: Oooooooh, two of my favorite foods, snow and tires.
Louie, you are great. Congratulations on this honor.

Coming soon!!! March Madness and Baseball previews!!!

Friday, March 02, 2007


By now, everyone has heard about the Bluffton College Baseball Team bus crash that happened early this morning in Atlanta. Just awful news. I am speechless. This is something that has just made me feel sick all day. I read a quote somewhere that said that this incident is going to stick with a lot of people for a long, long time. My heart goes out to the team, families, friends, and entire Bluffton community.
For you Napoleonites, Tyler Schlosser (athletic trainer for Bluffton) was NOT on the bus when the accident happened.
Crying shame.