Wednesday, December 27, 2006

This Blog is on Vacation...

I've decided to not post again (other than this post) until after the New Year. Heading to the boss's beach house with Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy. Should be a good time.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

G$'s NFL Notes

It only took me 15 weeks to give some NFL thoughts but since we are heading down the stretch, here a dozen or so, starting with my beloved Redskins:

**Jason Campbell is going to be fine. He has a mustache for shit's sake!!!
**While I hate the two, Jeff Garcia and Andy Reid are doing AMAZING jobs.
**Tom Coughlin is the worst coach in the NFL since Marty Morningwood. But trailing closely are Jim Mora Jr. and Herm Edwards. Look at how those three teams have all went down in the shitter this year, it's astounding.
**If I was Arthur Blank and I heard Mora wanted to go to Washington (not my Washington thank God), I'd have had him pack his fucking bags that day. Disgrace to the sport.
**Tom Coughlin is to coaching as Jake Delhomme is to quarterbacking. If you tanked the SAT, I'm saying he sucks.
**I hope Bruce Gradkowski enjoyed his last snap ever in the NFL.
**Reggie Bush is the second most exciting player in the league and he's only a rookie.
**The only person less qualified for their current job other than George W Bush is Matt Millen. WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB. HIS RECORD AS GM IS 20-73!!!
**The Bears DEFENSE will cost them in the playoffs.
**Torry Holt is the best WR in the NFL. Period.
**Before the season started, avid blog reader, Austin, and some others asked me who I thought a good fantasy sleeper would be and I said Frank Gore will have a big season running behind Larry Allen. I also said Jon Kitna and Ernest Wilford, but no one cares about those guys.
**I have no idea why the Seahawks suck balls. They should be better than last season but the offense and defense are both rancid.

**I don't care what they did the last 5 years, the Patriots aren't very good this season.
**I can't remember the last time I've watched the Bills on TV...same goes for the 49ers, it's been at least 5 years for each team.
**If they make the playoffs, the Jets will be the worst playoff team of all time, worse than that Browns team a few years ago with (gasp) Kelly Holcomb.
**If the Colts don't win the title this year, Tony Dungy needs to go.
**Maurice Jones-Drew (I nicknamed him Mo-Jo, I think it's pretty good) should be the rookie-of-the-year.
**Vince Young is the real deal and Tennessee will unseat the Colts within the next 3 years. Jeff Fisher is the most underrated coach in football.
**Every time the Bengals think they're great and ready to step up, they fail miserably. It's quite comical.
**The Steelers will make the playoffs and you don't want to play them.
**The Ravens are the second best team in the NFL and no one has said anything about them all season.
**Herm Edwards is killing Larry Johnson because he is dumber than shit.
**Art Shell makes me laugh.
**Jay Cutler was the right decision.
**And finally, I've been a hardcore NFL fan since my freshman year of high school and I have to say that Ladanian Tomlinson's 2006 season is the most impressive season I have ever seen. The man is amazing and is the only player more electric than Reggie Bush.

Which leads me to my Super Bowl prayer. Before the season, I picked the Skins and Ravens. I still stand by that!!! But if that can't happen, how great would a SAINTS/CHARGERS Super Bowl be??? We're talking Reggie/LT, Brees/the team that didn't want him, Marty Schottenheimer/common sense. Couldn't get much better than that.

--last post for awhile, with the holidays and all, probably next Wednesday I'll have something cooking again. Peace!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Airing of Grievances

I've decided that every once in awhile, I'm going to use my online power to voice the things that are currently pissing me off. I'm sure there are about 500 things, but I'm going to keep it at 5. Let's get started.

1. The Carolina Panthers - easily the worst team to bet on all season, I don't know this for sure but I would bet (get it, it's a pun) that this underachieving shitball team hasn't covered when favored all season. Jake Delhomme is worse than Jordan Van Ausdale.

2. Road Construction/Accidents on Freeways - after almost missing my flight to Florida (dead sprint through the airport/last person to board the plane/almost killing the security broad over saline solution in my bag) due to an accident on US-23 and construction taking up TWO of the three lanes at I-70 and I-75 in Dayton almost causing me to miss tip-off at Millett this past Sunday morning. How can you take up two out of three lanes at one of the biggest freeway crossroads in the country!!! Ridicurous, the rines were crossed.

3. President of the United States of America...Wayne Palmer??? - As the new season of 24 approaches, I am skeptical of the producers making Wayne fucking Palmer president. Wayne Palmer!!! His brother, while well received by us as a better option at Pres than Bush, was mired in fake scandals and was a HUGE target for TV terrorist attacks! Are we supposed to buy that the idiot American public would vote for this guy? I mean, he had an affair with a broad whose husband was killed because of him and the mistress killed herself in front of him because she couldn't deal with the guilt!!! Come on, 24.

4. Tony Romo - Oh my God, do I hate this guy. What's with that goofy smile that he has on his face constantly. I guarantee that this guy plays Dungeons and Dragons and listens to fag bands like Radiohead. I'm so happy that he tanked Sunday night against the Saints (and lost to the Redskins) and am positive that he will KILL the Mexican National Team in the playoffs. He is my least favorite footballer by far now that McNabb is out for the season. For some reason I think Romo and Strut would be best friends...sorry Strut.

5. Christmas Music - I would rather be stuck in a room with Elton John, a sailor suit with a removeable ass-flap, and a bottle of lube than listen to this shit. Which makes suicide a more and more likely option considering that in a week from Friday I have been roped into rocking out to....MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER. A could possibly be able to talk myself into at least quasi-enjoying Trans-Siberian Orchestra, but these guys are like the JV team of Christmas bands. I'm pissed. I might miss Naptown bowling because of this. Christmas music, besides Carol of the Bells, flat out sucks Ron Jeremy's bowed penis.

Enough of that, my blood pressure is now through the roof...and I didn't even get to talk about how my G$FL team went 5-8-1 this season even though I had the 4th highest scoring team (and hung a league high of 116 points on Drew this week). God damn me and my 3 week love affair with Jon Kitna. I will never draft Edge or Cadillac EVER again.

---FYI, Casino Royale is bad ass.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Napoleon, Ohio: Home of The King of the Hobos

Rune e-mailed me this story today and all I can say is that it is amazingly hilarious. Who knew that the King of all Hobos was living in my hometown? Please read this, you'll laugh and I'll bold up some of my favorite lines. And by the way, this is from the New York Times.

Steam Train Maury, who started life as Maurice W. Graham until a train whistle’s timeless lament compelled him to hop a freight to freedom and, much later, fame, as the first and only Grand Patriarch of the Hobos, died on Nov. 18 in Napoleon, Ohio, near Toledo.

Mr. Graham was 89 and chief caretaker of the hobo myth, a cornerstone of which is the hobos’ term for death: “taking the westbound.” In his case, that last westbound freight left the yard when he suffered the last of several strokes and slipped into a coma, Phyllis Foos, manager of Walter Funeral Home in Toledo, said.
Mr. Graham wrote a book about his life on “the iron road,” was a founding member of the Hobo Foundation and helped establish the Hobo Museum in Britt, Iowa. At the National Hobo Convention in Britt, he was crowned king five times — in 1973, 1975, 1976, 1978 and 1981 — and, in 2004, was anointed grand patriarch.
No one else has ever been named a hobo patriarch. Mr. Graham also had the title Life King of the Hobos East of the Mississippi.
When itinerant men gathered around stewpots in “hobo jungles” during the Depression and for years afterward, Mr. Graham stirred the pot. He told a wonderful story about a hobo riding Halley’s Comet while brandishing a torch.
He told of characters like the Pennsylvania Kid, who shaved with a piece of glass from a Coke bottle. When The Washington Times asked Mr. Graham in 1989 whether it was true that some hobos used deodorant, he answered:
“It’s a shame, but I don’t know what we can do about it.”
Hobos belong to that part of the American imagination where real history merges with showmanship. Since the Civil War, itinerant men have sneaked free rides on freight trains, and as field hands, loggers and miners they had much to do with building the American West and shaping industry. During the Depression, more than a million desperate people rode the rails in search of work.
They were admired as much as pitied. Steinbeck called hobos “the last free men,” and by the late 19th century, hobos had formed their own tongue-in-cheek union, Tourist Union Local 63. Britt officials offered Local 63 their town for its annual convention in 1900 and were shocked when big-city reporters showed up and did not treat the event as the joke it was intended to be.
By 1933, Britt, by then known as “the hobo town,” decided to capitalize on the unlikely confab. It marketed the convention far and wide, gave away mulligan stew and crowned hobo royalty. The gathering, about 100 miles north of Des Moines, became a four-day affair, drawing tens of thousands.
But now hobos are getting scarce, as boxcars have been sealed and the prosecution of trespassers has tightened. Mr. Graham, who took to showing up at the Britt convention in a camper, said some pretenders were “show-bos, not hobos.”
Mr. Graham was one of the last of the authentic, undisputed, old-time hobos. He gave the crowds what they were looking for, including a flowing white beard, a walking stick decorated with owl feathers, and stories about friends like Frying Pan Jack. He even strove to elevate his itinerant, idiosyncratic ilk, emphasizing that hobos are not bums, winos or reprobates.
“A hobo is a man of the world, who travels to see and observe and then shares those views with others,” he said.
Mr. Graham was born on June 3, 1917, in Atchison, Kan. Because of domestic problems, he was shuffled among parents, an aunt and married siblings. He escaped by hopping a train in 1931, at the age of 14.
He eventually settled down, learned the cement-mason trade and set up a school for masons in Toledo. He was an Army medical technician during World War II.
By 1971, he was a day laborer with a wife, two children and a bad hip that kept him from working much. His hanging around the house was getting on his wife’s nerves, The Los Angeles Times reported in 1989.
So one day in 1971, he hopped a freight on the edge of town with a vague idea he would relive hobo memories and see his wife, Wanda, in a few weeks.
It was 1981 when Mr. Graham finally returned. He had not communicated for more than a decade. Wanda agreed to go out for dinner and talk. (She paid, of course.) He wanted to come home, and she ultimately could not resist his charm.
“It was better than living alone,” she told The Times.
In addition to his wife of 69 years, Mr. Graham is survived by his daughters, Alice Spangler and Karen Carson; five grandchildren; and seven great-grandchildren.
After his return Mr. Graham stayed home, except for trips with his wife to hobo events and visits to people in hospitals and prisons. He lived mainly off Social Security.
In 1990, Mr. Graham and Robert J. Hemming wrote “Tales of the Iron Road: My Life as King of the Hobos.” A review in The Los Angeles Times wondered if it neglected “a darker, hard-drinking, womanizing, gambling side of Graham’s nature” in its emphasis on hobo chivalry.
Mr. Graham returned annually to Britt, where he presided over the yearly gravesite service for hobos interred under a large cross made of railroad ties. The hobo ritual is to circle the plot, holding their walking sticks high over the tombstones.

God Bless Hobos. And God Bless Frying Pan Jack.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Like It Or Not, The BCS Got It Right

Bowl season is here and although its taken its criticism, the BCS nailed it this season. Michigan fans don't like it, but look in the mirror and answer these questions for me:

1. Did you win your conference? NO

2. Did you get your shot at #1? YES

3. Does your morbidly retarded head coach deserve a shot at a title? HELL NO

If you answer those questions honestly, you should be like, wow, Florida really does deserve a shot before we get ANOTHER SHOT.

Will Florida get crushed by OSU? Maybe.

Would Michigan give OSU a better game than what the Gators will? Maybe. I love this argument as apparently Michigan fans know the answer to hypothetical questions.

Does Michigan have a QB that played against Hoover High from MTV's Two-A-Days? Hell no, but Florida does, and that's reason enough for me.

I'm absolutely ecstatic about the national championship game though. The two most deserving teams get to play for a title. Good QB's, good young talent, good can't ask for anything more.

Early prediction: Florida 31-24 in double OT...choke on that 2002 revenge.

Bolder prediction: The Big Ten won't win one bowl game...and if they win one, they definitely won't win two.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Britney, You Stupid Bitch...

What the hell is going on with Britney Spears??? I was talking with Drew tonight (blog linked to the left) and I think he put it best: "5 years ago, if she had a sex tape out, I would have dropped everything and ran straight to a computer to watch it. Now...I'd still watch it, but only when I had the time."

I couldn't have said it better. In 1998 when Britney came on to the scene causing a massive amount of high school and middle-aged erections, she could do no wrong. She was smoking hot, dressing like a school girl, and shaking that ass like it was nobody's business. Now look at her. She was married to a guy named Jason Alexander (who didn't play George Costanza) for about 20 minutes, married Nobel Prize winner Kevin Federline (who I saw on Monday Night Raw a few weeks ago and sings about Popozao whatever the fuck that is), has had two kids with the aforementioned king of white trash, walks barefoot into a public restroom (which for my money is the most disgusting thing someone could do), and has her less than a year old baby sit on her lap while she drives. It's people like Britney that make me think that all celebrities should have someone with them at all times just to relay common sense to them. Like, I could have been there saying "Look, Britney, I realize you have to drop a serious duke but I really think you should put on shoes when you go into the restroom of a Shell." It just makes sense.

Anyway, you probably are wondering about the picture I found of Professor Spears. Well, we all know that her and K-Fed got divorced. I said earlier that in 1998 she could do no wrong. But, it's 2006, times have changed. Now she's divorced with two kids, hangs out with Paris Hilton, apparently doesn't wear underwear when she goes out, and thusly, likes to showcase her cooter and especially her c-section scar to the paparazzi. How the mighty have fallen.

If I have one thing I could say to Britney, it would be, "Hey, Britney. Nice Vagina."

(This is a blog for families...that's why I won't post the actual pictures. But they're out there and I'll be honest, they're worth a look. Because haven't you always wondered where Kevin Federline buried his dong?)

Monday, November 27, 2006

Nothing Really To Say, So Let's Talk TV...

You may think "Hey, Money, you just spent the past week in Naptown and South must have a ton of things to say?" Well, I don't. But I know you all check in to see what I'm thinking of at the moment. And like usual, I'm thinking of TV. Specifically, how great TV is going to be starting in January and going on through the spring. While the Fall TV season has been mediocre, the winter season will absolutely stain your pants. Here are my top 5 returning shows coming back this winter:

5. Prison Break - From the start, this show was only designed to go two seasons and after tonight, we're 75% done. PB is incredible...but since it's only going away for 6 weeks, it is ranked #5.

4. Entourage - coming back in March per Jerry "Turtle" Ferrarra...I'm kind of confused as to how the show will work since the boys fired Ari in the finale last season. After FOX Monday's in the winter, the 9-10:30 Sunday night HBO block is incredible. What precedes Entourage this March you ask???

3. The Sopranos - this gritty staple of awesome tv is returning for their final 8 episodes ever this March and I can't wait to see how this ends. The first half of the final season was pretty uneven but I think a lot will go down in the final heard it here first, Christopher will get whacked.

2. 24 - I just got into this show during this past season and thus since then, after seeing how sweet it is, have watched every season on DVD and wasted quite a few weekends doing so. Jack is currently captured by a bunch of chinamen so it will be interesting to see how he gets out...and he has a very scraggly beard and that's always good.

1. The Shield - The Shield is hands down the best drama I've ever watched. And on January 9th, IT'S FUCKING BACK!!! I can't emphasize enough that you should watch this show, as rumor has it this could be the last season. I have never heard anyone that gave the show a chance say that they didn't love it. Trust me, Tuesday January 9th, 10 pm, turn Fx on.

TV. Is there anything better???

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Unbelievable...that's all I can say...unbelievable.

No posts for awhile as I will be in Naptown and Ft. Lauderdale over the next week. Peace, out.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

And My Heisman Goes to...

After "The Game of the Century" last night, that wasn't as good as the score indicated...the game was never in doubt, anyway, I did some thinking of who I would give the Heisman to since the season is pretty much over now. I would like to add now that this weekend in Columbus sucked, I hated how people that never come here during the season all flock down for the game and clog up the bar and traffic up my streets...our day was ruined. Anywho, these 5 footballers would get the invite to GMoney's Heisman Trophy Presentation at beautiful River City Bowl-A-Way in suburban Napoleon, OH!!!
5. Brady Quinn - I hate him, but he has good numbers and there's a good chance that if I invited him to Naptown, he would leave missing something vital on his body.
4. Steve Slaton - complete product of a system as he would be awful running between the tackles, but having a monster season and deserves a trip to gorgeous NW Ohio.
3. Mike Hart - He's smaller than Webster but the guy can freaking run the ball. If Michigan's defense didn't blow and force the offense to throw, Hart would have run over 200 yards up on OSU last week.
2. Troy Smith - I don't like him and don't want my Redskins to even think about drafting him, but the guy's a great college football QB that just wins. He may be prone to making very dumb off-the-field mistakes, but on the field, he's lights out. Here are his stats for this season:

And the 2006 Gmoney's Heisman Award winner is...COLT BRENNAN, QB HAWAII!!! I know what you're saying, who??? I'm telling you, this guys has had a season of a lifetime and is on pace to break David Klinger and Ty Detmer's passing records. He just have to have average weeks in the next two games against Purdue and Oregon State and Colt will be #1 in almost all college football passing records. That can not go unrewarded. That's why he's getting the the flight from Honolulu to Napoleon had to be awful. I posted Troy's stats so I could also post Brennan's stats just to show how much Colt's numbers dwarf Troy's (the numbers to the right are projected as Hawaii still has two games left to play):

Congratulations Colt!!! Enjoy the trophy, two free games of bowling here at River City Bowl-A-Way, and this gift certificate to a free small order of cheese nachos at Spengler's!!!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Make Money Through GMoney

I don't really have anything to say this week so I figured I'd help my loyal readers by giving some gambling advice. Here are the spreads I like this week, ranked by confidence (fyi, I'm quite the WAC guru):

1. BYU -26.5 at home vs. New Mexico St.

2. East Carolina -2.5 at Rice

3. Nevada -20 at La Tech

4. Missouri -14.5 at Iowa St

5. Hawaii -24 at home vs. San Jose St

6. Notre Dame -31.5 at home vs. Army

7. Kentucky -19 at home vs. La Monroe

8. Boise St. -37.5 at home vs. Utah St (a lot of points, but believe me, Utah St. sucks)

9. Navy -31.5 at home vs. Temple

10. Wake Forest +2 at home vs. Va Tech

11. Tennessee -8.5 at Vandy

12. Florida St. -16 at home vs. Western Michigan

A few NFL games or as I like to call them, really, really hard games to handicap

Pittsburgh -3.5, Indianapolis -1, New England -6, and Detroit (that's right, the Lions) +2.

This post was approved by Federal Inmate 198734, Maurice Clarett.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Are You Serious, Jim???

While there's no doubt that he has been successful, Jim Tressel is as boring is as gets and after today's press conference, even more retarded than the Special Olympics. Let me explain...

Reporter: When you were growing up, did you root for Ohio State or Michigan?

JT: Both, I rooted for both teams.

Very confused reporter: You rooted for both Ohio State and Michigan???

JT: When you're a fan of football like me, you want both teams to do well.

When did Tressel become insane??? Does he seriously think that Lloyd Carr is going to read the transcript of this press conference and tell his team, "Boys, looks like Coach Tressel didn't cheer for us back when he was a kid...before any of you were born. This time that sweater vest has gone too far!!!"

Just be honest, JT, no one believes that you were pulling for both teams. It just makes you sound ignorant.

(This message was approved by the great Charlie Coles)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Now This Is Really Random

So I'm sitting at work today trying to not fall asleep, daydreaming like a champion, and wouldn't you know it, an episode of Charles in Charge creeps into my mind. You know which one I'm talking about for sure. The episode in which the incomparable Buddy Lembeck (played my Willie Aames) invents this "machine" that can convert anything into a hot dog. By machine, I really mean, a red shoebox with a crank on one side and a hole on the other for the "new" hot dog to come out. This is amazing! Why didn't Buddy Lembeck get a job with NASA or the CIA or something, the man is a genius. You could give him a box of crayons or an old boot, he puts in the box, cranks the lever, and 2 seconds later out pops dinner! But if I remember correctly, Charles (Buddy used to pronounce it, Churls) was not impressed. What the hell was Charles thinking? Your friend, who you know is an amazing idiot, just revolutionized the food industry and put an end to world hunger!!! Buddy never got the credit he deserved for being a genius.

But I always wondered, if he took a dump in the box, how would that work? Would it smell/taste like a hot dog? Or just warmed up diarrhea?

Because I'll be damned if he tries to serve me a Scott Baio shit dog.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Standing Up For the Little Guy

I'm getting pretty damn sick of this shit. Since I now live in "Conceited College Football Town", fans around here can't give any credit to any team outside of Columbus. It really is pathetic. These idiots are so wrapped up into their warped sense of "superiority" that they can't see that Rutgers and Louisville are having great seasons and deserve to play for something at the end of the season. 3 years ago, my beloved Redhawks, in my opinion, were the 6th best team in the nation (finished 10th in both polls, I rank them behind USC, LSU, Oklahoma, Michigan, and OSU). And while I didn't live here then, I'm sure the locals were talking about how we weren't good because we didn't play in the Big Ten. Well you know what...WE WERE GREAT. But we suck balls this year and thus I'm rooting for the Big East. And here are my reasons why the "little guys" deserve your respect and should be eligible to play for a national title.

1. The Big East is NOT a shitty conference. With the exception of OSU, UM, and Wisconsin, not one of the other 8 Big Ten teams would finish in the top 2 in the Big East. People in glass houses...the Big Ten is awful this season and the Big East has a legit 3 teams as well as a solid mustache-coached Pitt team that is on the rise.

2. The Big East doesn't play anybody? Louisville recognized that the conference schedule could hurt them so they went out and scheduled Miami and Kansas State back when both teams were top 10 teams every season. Should we penalize Louisville because these two programs are down??? They also crushed possible bowl-bound Kentucky. Oh yeah, and they just hammered the best offense in the nation. Michigan played an awful schedule this season and Ohio St. has only played one ranked team.

3. They have played the entire season without the second best RB in the nation (behind Adrian Peterson) and 5 weeks without one of the best QB's and still are unbeaten. I would like to see UM play without Henne and Hart for a month...or see how quickly the Buckeyes would turn to shit if Troy Smith went down. This may be the most impressive of my points.

4. It doesn't matter if Buckeye fans (like Buckeye honk, Bruce Hooley) don't WANT to see OSU play The Ville, the BCS says it's possible so get the fuck over it. You may be better than them on paper, but the BCS is designed to declare a true national champion. If you two or the last two standing, so be it...quit your bitching.

5. If there is still an undefeated team left from a BCS conference, they should have a shot. If any team can go on a 12-13 game winning streak over the course of a season, how is a 1 loss team more qualified to play for a championship??? They lost!!! I love Florida this year, still think that they should be ranked 1B, but you can't take weeks off if you want to win it all and they didn't show up one week.

Who knows, this could all be a moot point anyway in a few weeks, but I just had to get this off of my chest. This air of superiority that surrounds this city is almost suffocating. Keep in mind, The Ohio's dominated Illinois in Champaign a month ago and Ball St. almost survived the Big House this past week. The same Illinois team that my boys at Rutgers beat 33-0 earlier.

Just take your blinders off, please, and look around...there's much better football being played outside of the Big Ten.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Another Reason Why the NBA Rules!

Meet Seattle C Robert Swift. While he did blow out his knee two weeks ago, Swift has an amazingly trailer park look that screams "I am the poster boy for the NBA!" He looks like a cross between Carrot Top and Buke!

I love this game.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

G$'s NBA Preview

Hell yeah, the NBA is back and I couldn't be more pumped. After the Cavs MASSIVE step in the right direction last season, I expect another large step this season toward a championship. Now for your enjoyment, here is my NBA Preview...hopefully a little better than my NFL Preview.

Ranking the teams:

30. Portland - this team is going to suck for awhile

29. New York Knicks - if you want to kill a franchise for a decade, let Isiah make personnel decisions

28. Atlanta - I see a HUGE season for Josh Smith in a contract year

27. Charlotte - Felton and Morrison will be great together...but not yet

26. Golden State - not even Don Nelson will help them, watch out for Mike Dunleavy, Jr this season though

25. Sacramento - when the face of your franchise is Ron Artest, you know your team is in trouble

24. Seattle - drafted 3 centers the past 3 seasons and they all suck

23. Philadelphia - Iverson won't be there at the end of the season

22. Orlando - Dwight Howard rules...too bad he plays next to Darko

21. Utah - Everyone in the West wants to run, these guys are content to get as white as humanly possible

20. Toronto - with TJ Ford, I like where this team is going but still too young

19. Memphis - got to love the Czar...but they lack playoff talent

18. Indiana - strip club shootings??? Stephen Jackson is burying this franchise, Rik Smits has to be pissed.

17. Minnesota - Brandon Roy is gonna be a stud, Ricky Davis is a dick.

16. Boston - LOVE Rajon Rondo...add him to West, Wally, and Pierce and I'm calling for them to make the playoffs

15. Milwaukee - Redd, Simmons, Villanueva is some pretty sick talent

14. New Orleans/Oklahoma City - Chris Paul is a stud and David West and Peja will be big this season

13. LA Lakers - didn't add anyone to support "The Rapist" this offseason

12. Washington - losing Jared Jeffries will hurt more than you think

11. Denver - will always love Earl Boykins

10. Houston - it's now or never for this band of underachievers

9. Chicago - could be the most athletic team of all time (see last night's game in Miami)

8. New Jersey - The Big 3 are still great and Krstic is turning into a big time scorer

7. Dallas - just have a feeling they won't be as good this season

6. Detroit - the minutes are adding up (see last year's playoffs), need to get some better bench players to spell the starters

5. Miami - getting really old, really fast

4. LA Clippers - absolutely love this team and Mike Dunleavy can coach...Chris Kaman = Hulk Hogan

3. Cleveland - LeBron finally has some stability in the organization and is ready to make the big leap

2. San Antonio - as long as Popovich is still there they are one of the best and most boring

1. Phoenix - no one can run with them, NO ONE, and with Kurt Thomas and Amare back, look out

Conference Final Predictions: Cavs over Heat, Clippers over Suns

Finals: Cavs over Clippers in 6. The King finally can sit atop his throne.

MVP - LeBron

Coach - Mike Dunleavy

Rookie of the Year - Rajon Rondo

Monday, October 30, 2006

Playoffs??? Playoffs???

Oh yeah!!! Playoff time in Ohio and our beloved 7 seed Wildcats are at Big Walnut Saturday night. There will be a caravan heading up to Sunbury after the OSU/Illinois game that will be fully crocked upon arrival. Since I am a member of the best Napoleon team in the past 2 decades, arguably ever, we will be representin'.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N, Napoleon, Napoleon, Napoleon!!!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Go Home, You White Trash Losers!!!

You weren't ready for the big didn't belong. See you again in 20 years.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Reminder of Fantasy Bowling

YES!!! Finally got my own fantasy bowling league set up. Anyone who wants to join, here's how but I have to warn you, I will OWN this league.

Create a team, join a league, the league name is: Ryan Shafer Sucks
the password is: seventen

If you have the balls, join, first tournament is next may know it as THE USBC MASTERS!!!

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Jerk Store called, they're running out of you...

Move over, Curt Schilling, Rasheed Wallace, Phil Mickelson, Donovan McNabb, and Antoine Walker, there is a new #1 in my Most Hated Athlete list.

Kenny Rogers. What can you say about this guy that hasn't already been written on a men's room stall at a truck stop?

Well, let me try to capture the essence of this true American douche bag.

--tries to fight helpless camera men who are doing their job

--grabs a Tigers fan by the collar who was trying to get an autograph for his son

--knowingly disobeys MLB rules by putting pine tar on his hand NUMEROUS times

--claims the pine tar was a "clump of dirt" eventhough conventional wisdom says that if you are going to pitch the biggest game of your life, you would think you would make sure that you didn't have a massive shitstain on your pitching hand

--for some reason the umpires don't eject him on the spot, but tell him to wash his hand off...once again, normal logic suggests that a "clump of dirt" can be easily wiped off on his pants or a towel without needing to be washed

--there are numerous camera angles of home plate umpire, alfonso marquez, talking to him in between innings apparently discussing this in which rogers said that the umpire never said anything to him

--Head umpire guy, Steve Palermo, verifies that marquez and rogers discussed the shitstained hand which rogers said didn't happen although everyone in the world saw them talk

--the "clump of dirt" was also present in the exact same god damn spot for the division series and the alcs

--he shows up every hitter he's faced in the playoffs by over-acting his fist pumps and congratulating his teammates for making routine plays...there's a reason no one liked carlos perez, and it's because he showed up every hitter in the league

--he absolutely sucked for the yankees in the late 1990's...hell he has sucked for every team he pitched for with the exception of this season

--the aforementioned statement makes a lot more sense since he's probably been cheating with his grip all season

--i mentioned this two weeks ago, but he came out and sprayed the fans with champagne after winning the division series

--he feels that every pitch he throws is a strike and that since he is "kenny rogers" he deserves every call

--he looks like a guy that would beat up kids

--he doesn't deserve any of this

What a dick. I hate that guy. Kenny Rogers: Liar. Cheater. Dispiccable Human Being. Necrophiliac.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

People I Can Do Without

Downloaded this George Carlin rant, it's hilarious and will be even more funny when I type it.

People I can do without:
-Guys in their 50's named "Skip"
-Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card
-An airline pilot who has on two different shoes
-A proctologist with poor depth perception
-A pimp that drives a Toyota Corolla
-A gynecologist that wants my wife to have three or four drinks before her examination
-Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats
-Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 300 times in a 2 minute conversation
-A dentist with blood in his hair
-Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals
-A funeral director who says "hope to see you folks again real soon"
-Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast
-A man with only one lip
-A boy scout master who owns a dildo shop
-People who actually know the second verse to the Star Spangled Banner
-Any lawyer that refers to the police as the "Federales"
-A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin
-A brain surgeon with "Born To Lose" tattoed on his hands
-Couples whose children's names all start with the same initial
-A man in a hospital gown directing traffic
-A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand
-People who have large gums and small teeth
-Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet
-and any man whose arm hair completely covers his wrist watch

Saturday, October 21, 2006


-LeBron is in town tonight to play the Hawks. I really wanted to go but then I realized I am not going to pay to go to a preseason basketball game. Especially when Scot Pollard will be playing a lot.

-I'm still trying to find some green pants to finish my Peter Griffin Halloween costume. I'm pretty sure that if I can pull this off, I will be a major hit at Hineygate next Saturday.

-Starbucks pretty much works as an enema.

-Is Scrubs cancelled? If not, when the hell is it coming back?

-You heard it hear first, the Redhawks win at Akron tonight and the Redskins will win in Indy tomorrow. Why do I think the Redskins can beat the Colts??? One reason. Every time people think Brunell should be benched, he plays an ungodly game to silence the critics...even if it's just for a week.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

How the Mighty Have Fallen

So recently, the Akai has been bombarded with Subway commercials featuring the very photogenic Jon Lovitz. My question is, why does he have a fake mustache in the commercials??? It doesn't make any sense. He's not doing a character, he's being himself for christsake. My God, one of those commercials is actually on my fucking tv right now. Anyway, were Subway executives just sitting around doing their planning for their new steak sandwich ads and tossing around ideas like, "You know who can probably move some steak subs? Jon Lovitz. I mean the guy hasn't had steady work since that one awful season of Newsradio, people will surely be ready to buy what he endorses." Then another guy in the room chimes in with, "How about we give him a fake mustache and a red robe?" And the rest of the room golf claps at their wonderous idea. Pure idiocy.

One more thing about Jon Lovitz. Some network HAS to bring back The Critic. What a great cartoon. It stinks!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


YES!!! Finally got my own fantasy bowling league set up. Anyone who wants to join, here's how but I have to warn you, I will OWN this league.

Create a team, join a league, the league name is: Ryan Shafer Sucks

the password is: seventen

If you have the balls, join, first tournament is next may know it as THE USBC MASTERS!!!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Freakin' Sweet...

No, Austin, I am not going to talk about the Tigers. As much as I respect you for being a frequent reader, I do not respect anything out of The D.

That being said, we got a new neighbor this weekend here in Hilliard. That's right...HOOTERS is in town!!! I am so happy, I have never lived close to a Hooters before and this is amazing. Tart and I went tonight and totally gorged...great wings. Can't wait to go again...tomorrow.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Fuck Equal Opportunity

This year on the PBA tour, dumb bitch Kelly Kulick will be participating. What the fuck? A woman on the men's pro bowling tour? This is not right. Women can do pretty much whatever they want...with the exception of join ANY fantasy football league, try to play on the PGA tour, and BOWL PROFESSIONALLY WITH MEN. This is a man's sport god dammit and now it's been stained with menstrual secretions. Okay, I'm going to go throw up. To sum things up, this guy does what the bible tells him...and that is that WOMEN CAN'T BOWL WITH MEN.

Dick Weber must be turning over in his grave.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


I've been bumming around all week trying to figure out what happened to the Yankees/what does the offseason have in store...then something like this happens. This tragedy puts everything into perspective. Tragic. Obviously, not very many people read this blog, but I wish Cory Lidle's wife and six year old son my condolences. This shouldn't happen to anyone.

Monday, October 09, 2006


I just looked at my NFL predictions from August...amazingly bad. It's unfathomable!!! Way too much love for the shitty Lions and the Cardinals.

I still believe in the sickness of Joe Gibbs though...the Skins will be in the playoffs.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Nice Series, Assholes...

Keep in mind, this is my blog and I can say what I want to say on it.

That was one hell of a pathetic last three days for my Yankees. Absolutely awful. As a Yankees fan, I don't believe that any team should ever beat "us". They have the best collection of players in the world and it always kills me when they get knocked out by a team that is completely inferior. I just hate it that my team is consistently good every year and the season is always ended by a flash in the pan team that, chances are, will not be over .500 next season while the Yankees are battling the 2007 fluke team. I'm not saying the Tigers are a fluke, and I congratulate them for the most part, but a LOT of career years have been had by the Monroe's, Thames's, Inge's, Todd Jones's, and Kenny fucking Rogers's on the team. Don't count out that next year.

That being said, the Tigers celebration OF A DIVISION SERIES WIN was a bit over the top. They still have 2 more series' to go before they have the chance to win ANYTHING!!! Look at this pic. They are carrying Jim Leyland off the field...why? There is still work to do. Back in '96 when the Yankees made their first run to the Series for the first time since '81, I don't remember seeing them douse each other with champagne after beating Texas in the LDS...but that didn't bother me. What REALLY bothered me was that fucking joke, Kenny Rogers, coming back to the field and spraying the fans with champagne. Are you fucking kidding me??? Maybe he was just so excited that he actually helped a team in October as opposed to walking in a series-ending run. I don't know, maybe it's just my frustrations pouring out of me toward the inadequacies of my own team, but one thing I know about my boys in stripes is that they always win with class. And for some reason I just think that the Tigers purposely showed them up tonight. But then again, Detroit and class aren't synonyms.

I hate the Tigers. I always have. I hate the fans that turned their back on them during their 119 loss season and now all of a sudden think they can talk shit to me. YOU CAN'T. I am a fucking Yankees fan and when it comes to them, I am not sportsmanlike. I will not say congratulations or tell you good luck. I am not a guy who wants the team that knocks my team out to win it all. I want them to lose and lose bad.

Eh, fuck it, the Redskins have the Giants tomorrow and make a statement to the rest of the NFC. I need to focus on that. Not to mention, I'm driving down to Oxford tomorrow after the aforementioned Skins game to watch Garrett Wolfe run for 450 yards vs. my lowly Redhawks.

Do or Die Time, Let's Bring Out the Mustache

(This rant was originally posted by me on

OK, enough is enough, a Cubs fan shouldn't be allowed to post on a baseball topic about how in love he is with the tigers. Just stop, you aren't a tigers fan, I don't care if you want to see the Yankees lose, just stop acting like you live and die by tigers baseball.

1. Apparently there is no such thing as karma because a dickhead like Rogers shouldn't be pitching that great...and he was phenomenal last night.

2. Tiger fans with signs that say "BELIEVE" must not know that they were the best team in baseball up until the last 3 weeks of the season. I always suspected this but now I can officially say that "all Tigers fans are either white trash or ignorant."

3. Lost in the shuffle from last night was that Randy Johnson, I thought, pitched great. In the second inning, the tigers scored 3 runs on 4 bloop/seeing-eye hits and a TERRIBLE missed call at third base that would've ended the inning at 1-0. Nevertheless. You could tell Unit ran out of gas in the 6th though. Truly some guts though.

4. If the Yankees can somehow win today, and I think they can as Bonderman looks like a guy who will be overwhelmed and the Yankees have good numbers against him in the past, they will win game 5. Leyland starting a crappy Nate Robertson in game 1 and game 5 will hopefully be the story on Monday morning.

5. If the season ends tonight, which I will not be surprised as it appears that the Yankees have quit, at least to me, it's time to cut ties with Alex. It's just not worth it anymore. Dig up the corpse of Scott "Big Pimpin'" Brosius, I don't care. But A-Rod has to go.

6. Don't try to deny it either, the Tigers are catching a LOT of breaks in this series. Which I understand you need to win, but the Yankees haven't caught a break in the playoffs since the ALDS in 2001...getting kind of old.

It's Travis Prentice's world, we just live here.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Time for some lack of sleep...

Well, playoff baseball has begun again and if there's one thing I can count on, it is that I will be exhausted at work for the next month. That being said, some observations after the first game:

--Derek Jeter is really freaking good.

--Jim Leyland is great and I like him, but starting your 4 starter in game 1 is about as retarded as retarded gets. I'm talking Corky from Life Goes On retarded. Why would you want your 4 starter to get two starts in a 5 game series??

--After Bobby Abreu scored last night in the third and was coming in the dugout and getting high fives, I'm pretty sure that Jaret Wright called him "Sweet Pea". Even if this is not true, Sweet Pea is a great nickname and I will be referring to Bobby as this for the rest of his career.

--The Yankees bullpen is not very good. This is not news, everyone knows this.

--Vernon Wells is the epitomy of boring on Baseball Tonight.

--While anything can happen in October, and you know that's true because it's what FOX keeps telling us, the Yankees just look so much better than anyone in the playoffs in either league. And if you saw the reactions of normally calm guys like Sweet Pea, Sheffield, and Giambi last night, you can just see that they want this so bad and their focus is there.

--Joe Buck represents everything that is wrong about sports...Tim McCarver is close. If you let Buke and I do the games, the playoffs would be a lot better.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Are You Kidding Me???

This douche bag to your left is Ohio's football coach, Frank Solich. Last year, he was arrested in the cesspool known as Athens for driving drunk down the wrong way of a one way street and claimed that someone "slipped something in his drink/keg."

Anyway, I was listening to 1460 today and they said that the Ohio's A.D. found out TODAY that this year alone, 17 football players at The Ohio's have been arrested and NOT ONE have been suspended. NOT ONE!!! This has to be a first. I don't even think Jim Tressel or Bobby Bowden have this kind of streak of shitty characters and no punishments. Amazing.


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

T.O. has left me speechless...

Let me preface this post by saying that when T.O. was in San Fran, I really liked him. I found his antics hilarious and he was a lot less of a sideshow then. He even called Jeff Garcia a fag which everyone knows but is too chicken shit to say. But I hate every player in NFC East that isn't a Redskin and T.O. has played for two teams in the division. Thus, making him my NFL public enemy #1. I have found over the last three seasons that his "coverage" has been unnecessary and a ton of overkill. But that ended today. The news about his possible suicide attempt is absolutely sad, fascinating, puzzling, etc. Finding out what ESPN Tom Friend wrote about T.O's childhood and stuff is surreal. The guy has had a shit life outside of the NFL. I am absolutely glued to this story, much like Mo Clarett's, and I agree with my boy, Bill Simmons, who summed it up as perfectly as I could imagine.

"I was a little skeptical about his motives when I first read the story, I have to admit... he had turned into such a divisive character, and so many people were against him, and so many people doubted him, that if you're thinking from his perspective, this would have been the easiest way to change everyone's opinion of him - now we'll feel bad for him, and we'll say, "Maybe he needed help all along," and some of his less defensible actions from the last few years will be excused to a certain degree. But there's also a chance that he's just a profoundly depressed guy and just wanted a way out. That's why I don't want to comment either way until we know more of the facts.

But I will say this: Unless info comes out that he rigged this whole thing, or it was some sort of nefarious plan, I do think this will change the way people treat him and talk about him. For the better. He HAS become more sympathetic obviously. It's going to be fascinating to see how this plays out. "--Bill Simmons

I would like to end this by saying that T.O.'s performance in Super Bowl 39 was perhaps the most amazing, gutty show I have EVER seen.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The New King!!!

Congrats to the GREAT Walter Ray Williams, Jr. on his win at the Japan Cup and his passing of Early Anthony on the PBA career titles list. He defeated my boy, Pete Weber, in the finals. This is surely a sign of a magniicent keggling season!!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Why I Don't Take the Tigers Seriously...

These idiots don't even know how to celebrate. YOU ALWAYS USE CHAMPAGNE...THERE IS NO EXCEPTION. These d-bags have Bud Light CANS!!! CANS!!! Aren't they professional athletes? Can they only afford cans? And who is the asswipe that has a Corona? What a fag. I think I even see a lime in his beer.

New Man Law: During a sports celebration, it is not cool to stop and cut fruit for your drink.

(this photo is courtesy of Drew's blog)

Thursday, September 21, 2006

A Few Randoms

If the Redskins don't beat the Texans this week (by more than 4 points), and I'm parlaying them with the Jets, I quit. Seriously, if you can't beat an organization that passed on Reggie Bush for a black Steve Emtman, you should be contracted. What a turd they played on Sunday night against Mexico's team.

If you're not watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Monday's at 10 on NBC, you don't know what you're missing. As a tv connoisseur, I love this show. Check it out, you won't be sorry.

I really like this new Survivor. I love how they split the tribes into different races. You can soooo see stereotypes unfold. Like tonight the Mexicans threw a challenge to vote off a tribemate and it was classic chicano's wonderful.

I'm betting on the Buckeyes to cover this week since the spread went down to -16.5 instead of 17...right now I think it's a no-brainer since I know they won't come out sluggish again this week. Even if they win me money, I will still hate them so don't worry.

Heading back to Naptown tomorrow for the last time until probably Thanksgiving. Should be a good time with Damman's birthday tomorrow and Kyle "Spingo" Spieth's weddin' (it's pronounced weddin', not wedding in Naptown) Saturday night. Nothing beats a Ridgeville Legion wedding reception...blacked out the last time I was there.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

How to Fix a Broken Toilet

Let me preface this post by saying, I LOVE MIAMI. I consider it the greatest university in the world and one of the best places to live. Everything about it, I'm in. And along with that, the athletic programs are always on my mind. Some people that go to "smaller" schools do not have the same loyalty as I do which I find to be a fucking joke. When people ask me, what's your favorite college team, I always answer "my Redhawks."

That being said, the lowest point of my Miami-loving life was achieved this weekend when my beloved Redhawk gridironers (not a word) lost AT HOME to KENT FUCKING STATE. I have never been more embarrassed. This has officially replaced the Jon Wauford knocking out the Marshall fan after the game in 2002 as the ultimate "just want to cry at our patheticness" moment. This is truly abyssmal. For a program that three years ago when Big Ben was playing his last game was on the verge of being the next mid-major to break through and establish itself as a player in the college football landscape, this is absolutely bollocks.

And here I am now, 4 days after Kent State mule-kicked EVERY ALUMNUS in the dick, with my list of ways to bring Miami back to the top of the MAC and a force to be reckoned with once again.

1. Fire Shane Montgomery
-----I like Shane, I really do, but he has flushed this program down the toilet in only two years. Too many losses at home and poor decisions leave me no choice but to recommend his termination. Solution: Hire a big name coach. I can't believe I am suggesting to follow their lead, but look at The Ohio's. Frank Solich has brought a solid reputation and excitement back to a cesspool of a program. Possible candidates: Mike Ditka (in a dream world), Rick Neuheisel, Bob Davie, Wayne Fontes, Joe Gibbs. Joe Gibbs would be sweet.

2. Utilize the alumni
-----Miami alums for the most part are freaking loaded. Get some money. Go out and start going after some players. Not just players that Toledo and BG go after. But not necessarily who Ohio St. and Michigan go after. I'm saying to go head to head with the Indiana's, Illinois's's's's, Louisville's, Kentucky's and whatnot of the world. Playing time is what matters. If athletes are good enough to play in the NFL, they will be found. Just go out and tell these kinds of recruits, why would you want to go to a program that will win maybe 10 games in 4 years, when you could come to Miami and win 10 a year and go to bowl games every year. So what I'm saying is for the alumni to open up their purses and allow the program to recruit outside of southwest Ohio. There are only so many kids with talent in the area, get on some fucking planes and be aggressive.

3. Utilize the alumni pt. 2
-----The most famous player in Miami history is currently one of the most popular players in the NFL. That being said, bring Big Ben in every summer to talk to potential recruits, have him remind everyone that you don't have to go Big 10 to make it big, and make sure he brings his Super Bowl ring with him. How could this not affect at least a few recruits??? As a recruit on a visit, what would you rather see, a Super Bowl champion QB or a picture of Jared Lorenzen giving Tubby Smith a hard-on??? This could also work for Redhawk basketball with Ron Harper with his handful of rings and/or Wally coming in.

4. Play the right schedule
-----With the exception of this season, Miami always play at least one incredibly impossible game per season in which they get to play Michigan/OSU, be on TV, and get absolutely embarrassed. Not necessarily the right kind of light to be shined on the program. I recommend the "Toledo Rule". Schedule a couple low end teams from BCS conferences, play them during the week to get on ESPN, and beat Kansas/Missouri/Pitt/Iowa St. Then people get up in the morning, turn on Sportscenter, and see that damn, Miami beat a Big 12 team last night. This happens every year to Toledo. They beat some team that ends up finishing 3-8, but at the time they defeated them, people think "huh, that's interesting". It works and people remember when you beat schools that are much bigger that on paper, you shouldn't be beating.

5. Ugh
-----Whatever. My fellow graduates have accepted losing and are making me out to be a martyr. I'm dying for all of our football program's many sins. Thanks for the hits today.

Well, there it is, how I would fix the Redhawks. I was even going to recommend to start paying recruits but I don't think that that is as necessary as going after the right players and not settling on a team of white guys. This is college football, not Napoleon High School.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Big Post Tomorrow

After this week's amazingly embarrassing loss AT HOME...TO KENT I will be posting my ways to fix Redhawk football tomorrow. Why tomorrow??? Because I am still trying to gather my thoughts and figure out how you LOSE TO KENT AT HOME.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Another Beautiful Season Begins Tuesday In Japan!!!

Listen up, crotchstains, the 2006-07 PBA season begins on Tuesday with The Japan Cup and I have had many recommendations to list my favorite bowlers. I started following this great sport as a sophomore in college and have attended the 2004 World Championships in Ypsilanti, MI. Yeah, I have bowling street cred. Anywho, here's my list of favorites with comments.

10. Danny Wiseman - colorful guy that has sported a Nathan A. Miller cool cut
9. Parker Bohn III - one sweet mustache
8. Mika Koivuniemi - The Big Finn, saw him live in Ypsi
7. Dave D'Entremont - a true legend, he looks like what a bowler should look like
6. Brian Voss - a true legend and also quite a character
5. Norm Duke - biggest nerd on tour but you have to love him
4. Randy Pedersen - no longer on tour but the "voice of bowling" will always hold a special place in my heart
3. Walter Ray Williams, Jr - Ol Dead Eye is the best bowler in the world, the best horseshoe pitcher in the world, AND gave me an autograph in Ypsi...truly a man's man
2. Doug Kent - I love this guy, probably because he always reminded me of the dad from Just the Ten of Us which was a phenomenal tv show.
1. Pete Weber - PDW, what else can you say? Bowls with sunglasses on, never graduated high school, and gives crotch chops to his opponents...what an athete.

Hopefully the bowling shitheads like Mike Scroggins, Tommy Jones, Ryan Shafer, and Chris Barnes go away this year so my boys can get back to the top. Either way, should be an insane season this year in the PBA!!!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Random Nonsense

I was just listening to the radio while showering (Drew, keep your dick in your pants) and noticed that almost all hard rock stations have a segment at night known as "Mandatory Metallica". Which got me thinking, is Metallica the only band that has a "mandatory" music block? Do easy listening stations have "Mandatory Manilow"? Or what about "Mandatory Meat Loaf"...THAT would be sweet. But to sum things up, this blog entry is giving you readers your Mandatory Mustache.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Biggest Day of the Year

Today is a massive day in the life of G$ as Time Warner visits the house today to hook up internet and more importantly, CABLE! It's been two fucking weeks since I've seen good tv and I'm tired of watching damn Wheel of Fortune. Hopefully Buke doesn't screw things up and we get hooked up by the time I get home from work.

Another dominating performance from G$ this week in the G$FL. Gridiron Maiden will surely repeat as champion this season.

I came back to work from my long vacation of doing nothing on Monday. My office is in a shithole neighborhood to say the least but at least the guys in the office seem pretty cool. Hopefully I don't get shot during my time at that branch.

Posts will be more frequent now as I know you are all pins and needles for me to post more.

Friday, September 08, 2006


I have to go back to work on Monday, I'm pissed.

I will be rocking the mustache tomorrow for the OSU/Texas game and more importantly, the Redhawks/Purdue beatdown.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

New Car and No Cable

First off, rest in peace to the very entertaining Steve Irwin. Someone should seriously question the Florida Gators mascot over his death though after ESPN repeatedly showed Irwin embarrassing the reptile.

Having no cable and no internet at the new place kind of sucks. And by kind of sucks, I really mean like a kick in the dick. I played so many games of Madden yesterday that today I am suffering from "Nintendo Thumb".

Bought a "pre-owned" car today and got rid of the shitty Jetta. Got an '06 G6, the bastard cousin of my beloved GA. I like it and the trade-in value of my VW was a pleasant surprise...way more than I would have sold it for.


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

One More Little Hilarious Nugget

Saddam Made To Watch 'South Park' Movie:

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is being made to watch his appearance in cult cartoon 'South Park' while he is behind bars.

The deposed leader on trial in Iraq was featured in the movie spin-off as the lover of the devil. 'South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut' featured Hussein and Satan attempting to take over the world together.

Speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone said US Marines guarding the former dictator during his trial for genocide were making him watch the movie "repeatedly".

"I have it on pretty good information from the Marines on detail in Iraq that they showed him the movie last year. That's really adding insult to injury. I bet that made him really happy," Stone said.

Last Post For a Few Days

This will be my last post for a few days as tomorrow morning I will FINALLY be moving into our condo. It's about goddamn time. Tomorrow night will also feature my trek to Oxford for the beginning of a college football season that I will surely not care about. I hate saying this, but take Northwestern giving's a mortal lock.

Friday, I'm heading back home for the holiday and more importantly, the GFL Draft (no affiliation to the G$FL). I have finished third the past two seasons and personally think the auction style draft is the best way to go.

As far as the G$FL Draft goes, I thought good times were had by all. The Stube was a more than gracious host to us and some of us partook in some brew-dawgs. Drew won the award for most hungover. I think I definitely have to most fierce backfield with Edge, Cadillac, Reggie Bush, Coke-dealing Jamal, and Mr. Ronald Dayne.

I like Saul's stable of WR's the best with Fitzgerald, Randy Moss, and Javon Walker as starters and Glick has the best QB's with Peyton and Warner. Overall a good time though and I'm already pumped for next year's draft!!!

Another post hopefully Monday or Tuesday.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Congratulations Oakland Raiders!!!

A lot of smack was run toward the New York Jets yesterday at the G$FL Draft about being the worst team in the league...along with Buffalo and anyone that has to face Lions Defense. Well welcome to the top, Oakland Raiders. With your disregard to logic and common sense, you now vault to the worst team, and biggest joke, in the NFL. I'm sure Jeff George will give Raider Nation many years of quality play. What did those very loyal fans do to deserve Jeff fucking George??? Aaron Brooks sucks giant balls but I don't even think he is sweating having Jeff f'n George behind him on the depth chart.

By the way, my draft was incredible. People did dumb things, I was not one of them. A post on that will come soon but I'm hoping that I get to move in the next day or two. Two words though: RON DAYNE.

Redhawk Football 2006: More Cowbell begins in 2 days.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Cleveland's Last Stand

Man, I got pretty lucky and had a bitchin' time on my last night in C-Town. A veritable Who's Who of people that have left Enterprise showed up. Anyway, good times were had, I called it, the whole "douche bag gene sleeping on my futon" was told twice as well as the Latko quitting 3 times in two weeks while receiving a promotion after the second quit. Insane story. Anyway, we decide to go bowling (fuck yeah) and I didn't realize until yesterday how drunk I was at that point. I had a 154 and a 165 (also a 104). Anyway, there is one thing you need to know...anyone that has ever worked for Enterprise is a degenerate gambler. There was easily 200 bucks on the table for the final game of keggling. It was also decided before the last game that we were going to a strip club...fair enough. So at like midnight, BC, Latko, Felberg and I head to Scarlett's in Twinsburg. It is owned by the same people that own the Scarlett's in Toledo which for my money is the world's greatest strip joint. This one is new and not nearly as great. Anywho, it wasn't packed at all so all these whores are talking to the 4 of us and we have a charismatic crew so they stick around without harrassing us for a dance or some shit. I'm talking to this whore and start berating her because she doesn't dance to any Motley Crue. Here's a random sample of my tirade: "How can you not dance to the Crue? Every song is worthy of a lap dance. I've been here for an hour and haven't heard Girls, Girls, Girls once!!!" Somehow, we got a private booth, which is nothing special except it's a giant couch. One of BC's friends bought a $75 bottle of Moet, he went to get a lap dance, and when he came back we had drank it all. It was sweet. The three of them bought me a lapdance which was nice of them but not a very good dance. But since I think they paid her in Lydell Ross money, I'm sure she didn't really care. Got home at 3:30, don't really remember how, must have been a good night.

G$FL Draft is tomorrow...pumped.

I'm still homeless.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Last Night in Cleveland

Well, it's over tonight. Going out with the peeps one last time. I'm sure I'll get drunk and everyone will tell the story of Gene staying at my place and how I let him drive from the bar completely shitfaced. Well, he is a Jew...good times.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Absolutely Delightful

2006's version of The Boston Massacre has just take place. Fuck the Red Sox. This is clearly a sign to all of baseball that the Yankees are the best team in the league...WITHOUT A DOUBT. Just like the Steelers last season, Derek Jeter will get "one for the thumb" in October this year.

It's baaaaaaaaaaaaack

Tonight marks the return of last year's breakout hit, Prison Break. Just ask FOX, they'll agree that it was great. Anyway, this show is tremendously awesome and always leaves me wanting more. Complete edge of your seat drama that thankfully featured very little man-on-man butt-loving last season. Well, the boys are out and on the run now which should lead to some A-Team-style missed gun shots and a lot of sweaty shirts from the "cons".

It will be interesting to see how T-Bag can move around now that his hand is chopped off. Will Abruzzi ditch the crappy Volkswagen german rapper ads to be a Russian mob boss again? Will Sucre continue to call his broad, Mommy? Will Haywire still be riding that kid's bike with a helmet on? Will Tweener get his comeupance for slicing off Avocado's pecker? Will Lincoln do something about the constant wrinkles on his head? Will Bellick still be living with his mom? All this and more tonight...ON FOX!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

It's so over...

Tiger is so going to win the PGA today, although I see Weir pushing him. Ratt rules.

Looks like I'll be working 2 more days up here and then moving down Wednesday...hopefully...I'm, like, 95% sure that that is what I'm going to do.

Friday, August 18, 2006

What an amazing mustache!!!

How can you not like this guy??? What a "look"!!!

A bit of a problem with my plan to move this weekend...dammit.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Less Than 5 Days...

Hell yeah, Madden 2007 comes out on Tuesday. I will be picking this up as soon as I wake up. I haven't played Madden since my junior year of college when Kuehn had it and I think I played 15 dynasty seasons with the Redskins, Packers, and no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. I loved it. I have been very loyal to the NCAA football games for the past 3 years but this year I'm going back to Madden. I buy one video game a year, two sometimes when I buy the new year of Tiger Woods, and this will surely be it. I will be wasting a large chunk of my two and a half week vacation with well as fantasy football drafts and moving and whatnot.

By the way people that are in my fantasy leagues, look out, I'm doing some MASSIVE research this year; analyzing schedules, offensive lines, and whatnot. I expect a few titles this season.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Buke's Theorem of Whitetrashness

Alright, the other weekend Buke was drunkenly telling me tell-tale signs of the white trash. I guess you could call him the Jeff Foxworthy of extreme redheads.

1. White trash drink Mountain Dew. I find this one hilarious and for the most part true. It doesn't mean that normal people that drink Mountain Dew, or Mountain Too if you're at Frosty Boy, are rednecks. But ALL white trash drink Mountain Dew...even the diabetics. So chances are that if you see a guy with a cut-off t-shirt on and he's not holding a beer, he's probably holding a Dew.
2. White trash pay in cash. This is probably very true of hilljacks as they more than likely don't believe in banks and use a Folgers can as a deposit box.

I also have a few of my own that I thought of this week.

1. White trash drive Monte Carlo's. This is a straight line issue for me. If you drive a Monte Carlo, YOU ARE WHITE TRASH.
2. If you care about Hemi's, you are white trash. No one in their right man gives a shit about hemi's and the commercials suck too. Hemi's are marketed to those two drive-thru losers in those commercials justifying the white trashness of the product.

Hell's Kitchen finale tonight. There's a nice little preview of it on Drew's Blog that you can find the link to on the left. And we are one week away from the return of PRISON BREAK!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Stupid Scene in a Great Movie

So I'm watching Back to the Future right now, which is a tremendously sick movie, and one scene bothered me. The scene in which Marty is singing Johnny B Goode with Marvin Berry and The Starlighters at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in particular. He's not even freaking singing, it's the REAL SONG!!! That doesn't make any sense to me. At least have Marty sing it himself. I mean the song didn't even exist at that time so how would he be able to play the vocals on the sound system??? Never understood that. But then again, Biff Tannen rules this world, we just live in it.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Truly Pathetic

I had to face a harsh truth today. After work, I'm grabbing a sandwich at Quizno's for dinner (FYI, best sandwiches ever, Subway blows donkey balls), and I have a nice but brief conversation with the manager, which I do every time I go there. On the drive home I come to the realization that my best friend in Cleveland that I didn't meet through work or isn't The Assbag, IS THE MANAGER OF QUIZNO'S!!! I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight.

Pete Weber rules.