Friday, January 30, 2015

Our Final Super Bowl Prediction Post

NEVER FORGET
Enough with the tears and memories...there will be more time for that later.  Let's talk about the biggest sporting event on the planet before we flat-line.  I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog’s creation. This is the 9th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. I can't remember if the system is 6-2 or 5-2 so we'll just assume that we are 6-2. It picked Denver last year even though I kept saying throughout that I hated that pick (and bet against it).  I expect to continue our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no real feel on this game at all. I can’t look at either team and say “yes, this is why they will definitely win” as I have been able to do in the past. This is a tough game to handicap. The line opened at SEA -2.5 but has gone bonkers and has settled on New England -1 with an O/U of 47.5.
Remember, RIBS are on the line (and we have a new leader):

13-7: JSaul
12-8: G$, Drew, Ide, Iceman
10-10: Buke, Andrew B
9-11: Lacey, Seal, Jeff
8-12: Mr. Ace
7-13: Prime...an embarrassment
Lover of getting pegged: -Rex

It's a five stud race to the finish.  The tie-breaker will be Gronk receiving yards using Price is Right rules (because as we all know, in football, LOW MAN WINS).  Let's fire up the Predictifier one last time:

QB - Tom Brady is possibly the best QB to ever live so he is definitely ELITE.  Rusty Dubs is well on his way there at this pace.  However, rumors are swirling on Twitter that he definitely had a concussion against GB (TOTES OBVZ) and is still dealing with headaches now.  Also, Brady bangs Gisele while Rusty is nailing Snowphat (left and a man) and is probably gayer than Michael Sam.  NE +4

RB - Lynch is the goddamn best.  Treating the media like the filth that they are and celebrating with dick grabs and candy is just amazing.  Blount is a piece of shit and deserves nothing but bad things.  SEA +5

WR/TE - You really have to give Seattle a ton of credit for doing what they've done the last two years with absolutely zero decent wide receivers.  Doug Baldwin is terrible.  The Patriots have the three best pass catchers in this game (if not more).  I haven't done any prop research yet but I will probably go over on Brandon LaFell's total yards.  Have a feeling that he's going to have a big role.  Gronk gets extra points for A Gronking To Remember.  NE +6

OL - The Seahawks have a guy named JR Sweezy which is the least white name a white man has ever had.  As you remember, the Pats had #77 Nate Solder score a receiving touchdown last game.  We favor #77's making the score sheet here.  NE +3

DL - When you start a guy from Bowling Green, you are inferior always.  Michael Bennett (the DL, not the horrible RB from Wisconsin from about a decade ago) wore a hilarious cowboy hat to Media Day.  Props to that.  SEA +2

LB - I really like both Bobby Wagner and Jason Collins or whatever his name is.  Malcolm Smith is still there I think and he won the SB MVP last year somehow.  Circle gets the square. SEA +2

DB - There is no doubt that Richard Sherman and Revis are the two best CBs in the league (Peterson is third and Justin Gilbert is last).  Chancellor and Thomas are badasses and I can't wait to watch them deal with Gronk.  I think that Patrick Chung sucks though and Brandon Browner is the most OVERRATED CB in the game.  Dude holds on every route.  SEA +3

K/P - Still have not forgiven Belichick for getting rid of ZOLTAN.  Gostkowski and Hauschka are both incredible kickers (takes one to know one).  SEA wins the points though because Jon Ryan is a touchdown throwing machine and trolled Big Gay Aaron Rodgers after he did it.  Respeck, BRAH! SEA +2
WTF?

Return Game - A bald idiot once constantly mouth-queefed that "SPECIAL TEAMS WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS" and it has to be true with these two squads.  I mean, each team features a white punt returner.  That is huge.  PUSH DUE TO EQUAL GRIT

Coach - I am not much of a Pete Carroll fan but at least he doesn't cheat.  However, McDaniels is killing it with formations and schemes and that could be a deciding FACTor.  That leads me to ask the question: Is Josh McDaniels a FACTorback?  NE +3

City - Would I rather spend a weekend in Seattle or Boston?  LOL!  I'll take mountains over fall foliage every day.  SEA +4

Fans - Who do I hate more: SeaHulk and the 12th Man (blatant rip-off of Texas A&M by the way) or Tommy From Quincy and people of that ilk.  Maybe I'm growing soft over the years but I find the 12th Man to be way more nauseating.  Probably because you can shut up any Pats fan by mentioning that they can't be ELI.  Also, I'm a fan of Li'l Poopson.  NE +2

Celeb Fans - I can forgive Seattle for embracing Macklemore because they have Johnny Karate on their side.  Bostonians can go to the Hell of Hell forever.  SEA +5

Organization - Bob Kraft killed his wife instead of just divorcing so that he could fuck models.  And now he wants an apology from the NFL even though he and Goodell play tummy-sticks on the reg.  I feel like the Seahawks owner is the Microsoft guy or the Starbucks guy or Boeing or some such thing that I've used plenty of times.  SEA +3

Against The Spread - Seattle was 11-7 against the number this year while the Patriots were 10-8.  The team that makes people the most money gets the point.  SEA +1

Add it all up and The Predictifer has...

Seattle goes back-to-back with a 27-18 (SEA Under) victory in Super Bowl 49 at Burke's House.  It's pretty simple: who wins the middle of the field when New England has the ball?  I like those safeties more than Gronk and Edelman.  Put me down for Gronk with 77 yards because that is the best number.

It should be a great game.  All week, I was thinking New England but The Predictifier brought up a lot of great points.  I believe in sports karma and thus there is no chance in Detroit that the Patriots deserve to hoist a trophy Sunday night.  Then again, this has been a God awful year for the NFL so what better way to cap it off than by having the cheaters win.  As for my slovenly ways, I have decided on making a taco pizza (sheet style) and I very much looking forward to making that.  I don't know who I am rooting for (probably will be Seattle) but I know that I am definitely on Team Katy Perry.  See you Monday.  Enjoy the Super Bowl.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Last of the Great Apes

Timeless
"Jesus, two weeks of this? I never thought I would miss G$. Ace is absolutely obsessed with male genitalia and rectums" - Grumpy
"G$ licks oreos too....Jeter's taint. This blog was fucking garbage" - Drew
"If G$ has time to comment, why can't he just write the damn post? Better effort today Mr. Ace. You are no G$, but you're growing on me." - Grumpy
"Burn In Hell Jim Johnson!" - Anon
"Did you steal the copy from Sportscenter and post it here? I'm ready for the first post from a real blogger. I miss the G man." - Grumpy
"Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are much more interesting topics." - Damman
"alright, nice blog run by fucking 5-year olds who delete people's posts... This site went in the shitter this week G$. Might be worse than jbeanie." - Seal
"Good stuff, ace. You're right about the gingervitis though. G$s legs haven't seen the sun since the eagles last won a superbowl." - Dut
"Mr. Ace is hitting his stride. Funny shit. Who need G$?" - Grumpy
"It seems nobody has actually met G$. Have you ever seen he and Clay Aiken in the same room?" - Grumpy
"I'm sitting in the airport now still thinking about how annoying our freaking dj was." - G$
"By the way, the first card that we opened on Sunday morning was from Li'l Strut. The first thing I remember reading was "strap-on" and I announced that that card was not to be read." - G$
"Yesterday you just made yourself look stupid. Picking the Eagles to go 14-2 means you're either taking drugs or forgot to take your drugs. Why would G$ leave a moron in charge?" - Grump
"come on damman, i wanna see you back up our browns before i shoot this ignorant asshole. 
i fucking hate the steelers, but you cant say they arent that good.
grumpy is right, you obviously dont know dick." - Seal

Back in the summer of 2009 you all hated me...and Ioved every minute of it. But then, I dropped this gem, and I became a fan favorite.
"That was fucking AWESOME! Why did you wait a week to get out your best material?" - Grumpy
"Good shit Ace! Best description of GMoney ever!" - Seal
"All of your blogs have sucked balls up until this one...that was great. I do hope G$ is back next week though, as I know you can't do better." - Drew
"Ace this may be your best post ever. I'm a little pissed that Sean didn't say anything about me." - Dut
"Ha, I read it at work and had to keep my hand over my mouth to cover up the fact that I was laughing/not working. Great stuff!" - LS
"Fucking hillarious, although I didn't need the image of GMoney on his wedding night." - Burgei

...and the ACEterview was born.

It was a rough start here for Mr. Ace as a contributor. The Money Shot wasn't ready for a new voice, especially one that was relentless with the punchlines and immature dick/pussy jokes. I don't blame you guys, change can be tough. G$ had been doing his thing for awhile at that point and the idea of somebody stepping in, even for just two weeks, probably was a real jolt do your daily media intake. But we made it through it. I've grown, you've grown...we've grown.
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When things come to an end I always think about legacy. What is my legacy at The Money Shot? Obviously the porn post stands out first and foremost. That thing was undeniably legendary. The "May The Forcier Be With You" post probably isn't too far behind for most of you. But I hope that I brought more than that.

It was 364 days ago that I started my comeback. I just got the itch and it seemed like G$ would be open to only blogging 3 days a week. I wanted to do things a little differently when I came back. I wanted to be a little more personal, give some perspectives that people might not get to see, and open up some conversations on topics that typically didn't get much play at The Money Shot. Religion, politics, education, Big Tymers, dogs, boob gifs...porn...those are the things that really matter. We all love sports, but we have strong opinions on a lot of different things. I tried to bring that aspect to The Money Shot and I think I did. And I also dropped some topnotch #Facts on you bitches. I'm trying to say I'm basically Anderson fucking Cooper without the cocksucking.
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About the same time I came back to contributing here I decided to clean up the ol' Toolshed, and changed into Ace Takes. I never had any real plans of opening it back up. I knew that I would need multiple contributors because I didn't and don't have any interest in creating more than two posts a week. But it's something that I always kept in the back of my head just in case.

But I think G$'s right. It's time for a change. A shift in direction where we can all contribute will be a good thing. No matter how many DickGIF's Drew can throw at us. At the very least it will be interesting seeing Grumpy trying to figure out a new app.

And as G$ said, my last appearance here will by on Tuesday when I do an AMA with our fearless ginger leader. I'd like all commenters to get a chance to ask one question of their own, so if you have something you want to ask then either DM me on Twitter, @itsmracebrah, or shoot me an email at MoneyShotFantasies@gmail.com. Happy Fucking Thursday.


 This was almost a rap post. The new Lupe, Joey BadA$$ and Fabolous are fire. That's all.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Perfect Storm Is Upon Us

WTF???
If you missed yesterday's big news, Iceman has officially retired from the blogging world and is riding off into the sunset with the title of World's Least ELITE College Football Reporter.  He gave me a whopping 18 hour notice about this by the way.  I hold nothing against him though because he did what we asked of him and delivered and received shit for a long time.  We wish him well.  Knowing that he lives in Florida, he's going to need all the help that he can get.

So what happens now?  Who is working Tuesdays?  Am I hiring?  Making Ape work double shifts?  Well, it's complicated.

I have decided to shut down The Money Shot.  Whoa.  That is an emotional sentence for me to type.  The final post here will be posted one week from today on 2/4.  You probably want to know why and that is a perfectly cromulent question to ask.  As I mentioned in the title, it was sort of a perfect storm of circumstances leading to this decision.

*Much like Iceman, internally I said that I would only keep doing this if it wasn't a drag.  For awhile now, it has been a drag.  I HATE Sundays knowing that I have to write something for Monday morning.
*You don't know this but on Monday, we reached ONE MILLION page views.  Now, that isn't any sort of accomplishment considering that we've been open for nine years but that number was also a landmark that, once reached, would lead toward me looking at the finish line.
*Life is different for me now.  I have more important priorities as do most of us.  It's not that the writing itself is time consuming, but the preparation for posts is exhausting.  It feels like half of my day revolves on what I can write about and how the post needs to flow and it takes its toll.
*While Iceman vacating his day wasn't the deciding factor, I said that I would never go back to writing four days a week.  I also have a strange feeling that Mr. Ace wasn't going to be far behind in leaving.
*I'm empty on life stories.
*After receiving his notice, I just sat in my office and thought to myself "it's not that I can't keep doing this, it's that I don't want to do this anymore".  And once you start thinking like that, it's time to walk away.
*It feels like the right time.

I told She$ about this decision while I was watching Brock Lesnar be all sorts of awesome on Raw (like usual) and her reply was "I'd rather you quit watching pro wrestling than quit your blog".  NEVER!  Don't tell me my business, devil woman!  I thought that she would be more pumped about this.  She can go to Hell.

Anyway, I've decided on one more week before we close the doors.  I'm not going to do an elaborate retirement tour or anything but I feel like we do need a little more time for closure.  HOWEVAH, don't assume that I am leaving you high and dry and sticking you with all work, all the time.  I do have an exit strategy that I think can help everyone who enjoys the daily banter here and wants it to continue.  I am currently looking into free message boards throughout the interwebs that can keep the ELITE trash talk and #IdeLies going while allowing everyone to provide content (not just the three of us).  Some positives for this are:

-24/7 commenting...anything typed after 4 here probably doesn't get read but that isn't an issue on a board--you no longer have to wait until Tuesday morning to talk about Ohio Buckeyes!
-NO FIREWALL ISSUES, DUT...I plan on keeping it simple so your employer should not have a problem
-Better security...a new site means no footprints left behind that Google could pick up on (AKA your name)
-AN IPHONE APP...the current leader in the clubhouse for our board has an app that you can download for easier commenting while taking a shit!

The only negative though is that isn't the same as we have had for almost a decade now.  I'm not the biggest fan of change so this will take some getting used to but I think it is the best way to stick together.  Twitter (@GMoneyELITE) was an option but it's hard to develop molten hot takes in 140 characters and waking up to find that you have 40 mentions isn't a lot of fun.  I compare our situation to graduating high school.  Sure, we could all go our separate ways and move on but I would like you all to move in to this bitching new house that I plan on taking over so the party can continue.  I mean, seriously, do you really want to work that hard?  I will have details on this new endeavor next Wednesday as I plan on spending a good chunk of the next week working on the next chapter of our internet lives.

So there you go guys.  It is officially the beginning of the end.  Tomorrow will be Ape's last trip through the jungle, Friday and Monday will be reserved for the Super Bowl (as was planned), Tuesday Mr. Ace has invited me into his den of savage dogs for a GayMA (sorry, Lacey, you were fired from being NEXT MAN UP), and in 7 days we board up the windows and write ABANDONED on this little corner of the internet.  I GUARANSHEED that I start crying when I write that final post because I AM A REAL MAN.

I will say it again next week but thank you all for what you have done here over the years whether you are a frequent commenter, infrequent poster, or just an avid lurker.  This was not an easy decision but I feel like it is the right decision.  As I said above, this is by no means "goodbye", more like a "smell ya later".  I hate you and love you all but definitely more toward the hate so DEAL WITH IT, BRAH!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A Legend Retires Today.


My departing gift to you all.



Today is the day.  A day that will always be remembered much like the attack on Pearl Harbor, JKF's assassination, the Olson twins 18th birthday, Paris Hilton's sex tape release date and The Fappening.  A day most of you have been waiting for since September 5th, 2011.  Today I officially resign my Tuesday post at the MoneyShot.  Don't all rush out and get me a retirement gift at once.

As much as all of you begged and pleaded G$ to fire me, know that this was 100% my choice and your demands always fell on deaf ears.  Because all of you are dumb assholes.  I've actually been thinking about this move for awhile now.  Back when I obliterated the competition and ran away with this job, I promised myself that the minute doing this felt like work I would hang up my keyboard and walk away in my prime on my terms.  That day has come.  I'm just not into writing posts as I used to be.  So for my last post here at the greatest corner of the Internet world, I will share my fondest memory of each commenter.

Dut - Giving you AIDS in the Jolly St. Prick post is the foundation of my legacy.  It'll be hard to knock that out of the top 5 best things every written here and will most likely make my Hall of Fame speech.

Nibbles - How much your wife hates Ide.  Real, true, passionate hate.

MUDawgFan - For the longest time I thought you and MUfan were the same person.  Still kinda do.  My favorite part about you is how you get so mad when I blast your teams even though deep down you kinda agree with everything I say about them.

MUfan - Gonna need that stalker story, bruh.  No matter how embarrassing it may be.

Burke - Go get me a fucking sandwich.  No onion.  And step on it or your tip will suffer.

Damman - Making everyone buy into the fact that you only fuck fat chicks was a thing of beauty.  Hopefully that legend will never die.

Seal - Your blind rage taught me that it's wise to always keep my blood pressure in check.  Whenever I get frustrated with something I just take a couple deep breaths and say, "Don't be Seal.  Don't be Seal.".  Also, I realized that all Kentucky inbreds aren't complete weirdos the night I blacked out with you at that random bar in Dublin after RibFest.

Cakes - The evolution of Cakes and FUCK YOU CAKES were about the only worthwhile things that came from your comments.  And you probably won't even read this because you randomly vanished like a fart in the wind.

Lacey - You made me despise Notre Dame more than I ever thought possible.  Opened up hate doors I never knew existed after that bitch fest about a perfectly legit offensive PI call.

Jeff - You will go down as my last official COTY nomination.  That's something you can and SHOULD put on your resume.

Prime - You gave me Chip Kelly interviews.  I don't think I need to elaborate.  You were also a valuable asset in the longest post in the history of this site.  The Music Mock Draft - 90's Edition.

Ide - I will forever regret the day we met.  It still haunts me some nights.  But #IdeLies will be something I use forever.  And paying for ribs from NYC was a pretty baller move even though you bitched out on the zombie run because your pussy had the sniffles.

Grumpy - If not for your misplaced Steeler bravado and betting with your white trash Appalachia heart, RibFest would have never been a thing.  When you die in a few months from being 200 years old, I will make sure the tombstone properly represents your greatest life's work.  RibFest.  And not once did I ever clean the fucking attic.

Ace - You set the bar so incredibly low here with shit like May The Forcier Be With You, it was impossible for me to fail.  And where would this website be without your porn post?  Almost non existent, IMO.

And finally, G$ - The father of this site and the mind numbing ELITE debate.  Born and bred from your wide ginger hips and massive birth canal.  You gave me this thankless job 3 years ago for zero dollars.  Suck Eli Manning's pecker.  It was a great 3 year run and I'm grateful I had the chance to piss people off at an alarming rate.  Now go sucker someone else into this terrible job.

So what is my fondest memory of myself, you ask??  ELITE question.  After all these years I would say that my fondest memory of myself would be everything.  But if I had to narrow it down and pick a Mona Lisa...that would have to be the creation of the BRAHs.  That is what I'm most proud of.  As far as the void I've left that will, no doubt, be impossible to fill...use today to express interest/apply for the job you'll never do as well as I did.  For my final thoughts on my final post at the end of a first ballot Hall of Fame blogging career, I will leave you with my campaign slogan that won this election by a landslide back in 2011.  "Gmoney/Iceman 2012.  We're gonna titty fuck the world!"  You're God damn right we did.

Monday, January 26, 2015

STOP TALKING ABOUT AIR PRESSURE

I admit that when Ballghazi initially broke, I was all about bringing those cheating bastards to justice.  I mean, it's TOTES OBVZ that they are lying to everyone and we all know it.  But I can't handle any more Belichick science lesson pressers or Brady playing dumb or ALL THE HOT TAEKS.  Congrats, lame stream media, on killing the shit out of this borderline story.  There was something there that perhaps may have brought down a dynasty (at least I hope) but this John Elway has beaten to death so much that I don't care.  GIVE IT A REST.  There is a Super Bowl to play on Sunday.  I'd rather talk about YAC (or RPY = Rings Per Year) than PSI.  And I speak for everyone with that opinion.

I'll give my quick rundown of what it's like to work the NHL All Star Game Fan Fair at the end.  Unfortunately, there wasn't really much to go a full post on so we're going to address some properly inflated topics.

*It ain't no Champions Lane - Ohio Buckeyes took 12 days to actually throw their dick-sniffing party for some reason but they did so on Saturday morning at their dump stadium.  I was surprised that only 45K were there and I think Poopson counts as two thousand.  Fake fans IMO.  Of course, our dipshit mayor had to go change the name of Lane Ave to Undisputed Way.  Idiot.  Champions Lane is still the superior street.

*RIP Mr. Cub - Ernie Banks died on Friday and if you think that his corpse would avoid jokes here then you have no idea how this site works.  Poor guy nearly made it 84 years all while being a loser every day of his entire life.  I never understood why he always wanted to play two games other than he sure did enjoy losing.  If only he would have chosen the superior Chicago team he would have been able to hoist a trophy in 2005 while the manager called him in a "pendejo".  Yes, that will do.

*The NHL Fantasy Draft is a solid watch - I highly doubt that any of you watched this on Friday night but it was enjoyable.  All the players are waiting to get drafted fantasy football style onto their All Star team while getting blasted on top shelf liquor.  More sports need to get their best players drunk on live TV while Ovi is campaigning to win a free Honda Accord (what they give to their Mr. Irrelevant).

*LOL Dumb Teams - The 2011 NBA Draft was quite a significant amount of garbage.  Yeah, Kyrie was a legit #1 pick and is a star but the rest of the top ten is a real who's who of role players and feces.  I say this because Klay Thompson, the #11 pick that year, went off for 37 points in one quarter on Friday night.  Here are a few guys taken before him in 2011: Derrick Williams, Bismack Biyombo, Jan Vesely, and JIMMER!

*G$ as Ambassador - Fun weekend in Columbus.  And just being a part of it all was cool.  Thursday, I helped out with a street hockey clinic which was kind of boring but whatever.  Friday and Saturday, I helped run the Precision Passing station which was enjoyable.  I got to do some serious work on my stick-handling, puck possession, and saucer passes.  Friday, Phil Kessel and his bruhs came by these game areas and were trying them out (not Kessel himself who was attached to this smoking hot Asian broad) but his boyz did.  I can't even begin to tell you how BRAH these guys were.  I tried to explain how these simple drills worked and all of them might as well have replied with a "CAN IT GO OFF-ROADIN' BRAH!"  Hilarious.  And Kessel's boys are terrible.  Sunday, I worked the Fantasy Draft location where people could get their pics taken where Friday's event was held.  Big -Rex stopped by to say hello.  Nick Foligno showed up randomly and took pictures on the stage after saying hello to me.  We are bros now.  The only thing that I regret is not getting a picture with the Cup.  The problem was that my shifts never lined up where I could achieve that.  If you closed the convention down, it was easy.  I never did.

It was enjoyable and a good experience.  From everything that I've read online, the city has blown away NHL officials and fans and that is a good thing.  Columbus done good.  I would recommend doing something like this.  In FACT, I will probably look into the MLB All Star Game this July in Cincy.  Peace out, bruh.

Friday, January 23, 2015

YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?!?!?

"Hey.  Nice tit bags, lady.  Those puppies just got you a free dessert."
I hate pompous servers.  Especially the ones who act like what they do is sooooo dificult.  I've never been a server myself but I know it can't be that hard.  High schoolers do it for fuck sake.  I'm sure by now everyone has seen these smug little articles being shared by bartenders and servers all across the poisonous landscape of Facebook.  Facebook is a landfill of filth and rot.  The dumbest of the dumb share whatever insanely moronic article that happens to pass by their eyeballs.  Without even reading it all the way, they frantically smash the "share" button so they can be the first idiot fuck to pollute a social media site with information that isn't even close to being correct.  For example...a month ago some dickless fuckin knob I went to high school with shared an article saying how Aaron Hernandez was acquitted of all charges and set to rejoin the Patriots for the playoffs.  Really.  You don't say.  Well just a simple Google search would have shown this guy that he's a total fucking dipshit.  But I guess he would rather look like an idiotic ass then take the two God Damn seconds to FACT CHECK himself.

I'm getting away from myself.  Anyway...there are these articles being shared that are written by bartenders and servers loudly boasting about all the things they can't stand about the people they serve on a daily basis.  A "dos" and "donts" as a customer, if you will.  Oh, really?

First of all, you're a server.  You're doing a job that business owners and managers entrust to immature, teenagers that specialize in fucking up.  You are 100% replaceable so don't act like you're saving the fucking world here.  Second of all, if you hate all this shit and the people you serve so much...GET A DIFFERENT FUCKING JOB.  You are literally the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to the work force.  I respect janitors more.  So GIVE IT A REST on these bitching lists or do something else for a living.

After (regretfully) reading these hilarious lists, I have decided to concoct my own list of "dos" and "donts" for people responsible for serving me food.  If you get to air your grievances then I think it's only right that I get to air mine.

1.  Don't act annoyed that I'm there
The only time you're allowed to act like a cock is if some asshole waltzes in 10 minutes before close.  Because that's a fucking dick move.  Taco Bell closes at 3am.  Go shove that in your fat, lazy mouth, loser.  I have a 30 minute rule that I operate by.  If you close in 30 minutes or less...I won't come in.  Because that's rude as fuck, IMO.  But if you close in 40 minutes then you're fair game.  So if I'm giving you that courtesy, then I expect it back, fucko.  Don't roll your damn eyes at me if I walk in at 9:20 and you close at 10.

2.  Know the menu
If the menu says "a starch" comes as a side and you can't name that starch, it makes you look like a moronic toad.  Not to mention that it also happens to be YOUR FUCKING JOB to know.  Let's not gloss over that.  And for the love of Baby Jesus's dirty diapers...don't tell me that "you think" the starch is mashed potatoes and then bring me grits.  Because I fucking hate grits.  Have you ever bit into grits expecting it to be mashed potatoes because that's what your server told you?  There are no words to describe the fury.

3.  Remember my order
Listen.  No onions is a pretty simple request and pretty easy to remember, I would think.  If you have problems remembering things that were discussed about 8 seconds ago then write it down on your standard restaurant issued goofy little notepad thing.  Don't act like Johnny Fuckin Know-it-all and forget I hate onions by the time you get back to the kitchen because you can't stop starting at hostess Monica's barely 18 tits.  No one likes a hero, pal.  And another thing.  If you fuck up my order, don't go back to the kitchen and have one of the high school drop outs working the grill just scrape off what I don't like with his nut skin.  Re-do it.  You're the one who fucked up.  Not me.

4.  I'm not a professional eater
More times than not, I utilize the appetizer page of the menu.  Fuck off, I like to eat.  Just because I eat like a hog doesn't mean I care to look like one too.  So wait until I've finished my appetizer before you bring anything that has to do with my main course, dick smack.  I don't even give a rat's ass if you take my entree order WHILE I'm enjoying my appetizer.  Go nuts, if you must.  Just don't shove everything I ordered in front of me all at once.  I'm not Joey Fucking Chestnut.  I'm not housing everything in under 6 minutes.  Furthermore, I don't care to ruin any shirt sleeves from unknowingly dipping them into the marinara trough as I reach for my double bacon cheeseburger.

5.  Pet names
These are annoying.  Don't use them.  I'm not a "hun" or a "sweetie" or a "babe".  I'm a fucking man with a fucking name that you don't need to know or use.  Your job isn't to get to know me on a personal level.  Your job is to take my order (correctly) and make sure Billy Trailer Park in the back cooks it right without doing anything illegal to it.  That's it.  Pretty simple.

6.  Refills
This pisses me off like no other.  I don't know how everyone else here is, but I must have a beverage at all times while eating.  I just do, okay?  I shouldn't have to stop you as you pass by my table for the 5th time and beg for a refill after my drink has been empty for 10 minutes.  I know you've had a tough night because you just got 30 Snapchats of your girlfriend getting finger slammed in some college guy's TransAm but don't take your grief out on my thirst.  I'm sure you have "a lot of tables" but making sure my drink is always full goes a long way towards that tip you think you deserve so much.

7.  Tips
Here's my philosophy on tipping.  You have to fucking earn it.  I'm not going to automatically tip the suggested 20% if you've been a dead fish all night.  I can't stand it when I get reminded that servers rely on tips to survive.  Oh yeah??  Then they better do their fucking best at earning those tips, now shouldn't they?  And if I'm paying in cash then bring me back bill denominations conducive to tipping properly.  Instead of giving a ten and two fives, bring out a ten, a five and five ones.  That's serving 101, dick head.  If you don't give me proper tipping change then that shitty tip is on you, hoss.

8.  Check, please.
I hear this a lot...in the whiniest, most nasally voice ever.  "I hate it when people stay too long after their meal.  They don't realize I make more money by flipping tables faster."  Is that a fact?  That's odd because it always takes forfuckingever to get my check and have you process it.  The checkout process should take no more than 5 minutes.  Drop check off, fill another table's drinks, come back to me, take check with my cash/card inside, swipe card or cash out, bring back, goodbye forever.  Simple.  I don't want to be there any longer than you want me to be there, shit lips.  So let's do each other a fucking favor and speed this whole process up.

Eight is an odd number to end on but whatever.  This was strictly off the top of my head with no real structure.  Just an angry retort to asshole servers who think they're better than the people they serve.  So shove that up your asses, dick wads.  You guys think you're so fucking perfect but guess what?  You suck just as much, if not more, than the shit heels you serve and bitch about on the Internet.  The same people you rely on to put gas in your Honda Civic that gets you to community college you'll never finish.  I hope you enjoyed your dining experience with the Iceman today.  I'm here to make the world a better, more hate filled place for all.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Quick Hitters: Gig'em Gerry, Comedy Central Wednesday Nights, and More Fucking Dog Issues

OMG, That's sooo funny!

BIG ACE Update: He's going in for a small procedure tomorrow...or at least he should be if his blood levels are okay. They say if everything goes well he should be out by Saturday. However, they are not aware of my father's knack for turning 3 day stays into 17 day staycations. So hopefully all goes well. This shit will never end.

Fucking Dogs, Man. And not my fucking dogs. I have the worst fucking neighbors in the world. They have random cars in the driveway, they have blankets hung up over all their windows(great for property value, I hear), they're loud, and they have 4 Rottweilers that basically live in the backyard 24/7 and just bark constantly. I ignore them and deal with it, but everything about their dog situation pisses me off and that all came to a head Saturday.

Twice in the last three weeks one of their dogs has gotten out of their fence and ended up on my property. The first time I had my German Shepherd in the front yard playing frisbee. The dog came running towards us, my dog chased it back to its doorstep. I called my dog back and then tried to go knock on the door. The dog was going crazy whenever I got close, so I just waited outside until somebody let the dog in. That was the first time it happened in the two years we have lived here, so I just let it go.

And then Saturday happened. We just got a new foster dog last Monday. She's a great dog, but needs some training in her interactions with other dogs. Which means constantly barking Rottweilers aren't ideal neighbors for her. And in the back corner of my yard there is a small section of chainlink fence where the Rotts jump up and bark. My dogs don't go back there because I don't let them. The new dog didn't get that memo and went running back there. So I had to throw some shoes on and run back there to get her. So I get back there and one of the larger Rotts has jumped the fence and is in my yard. The fuck? I'm pretty sure the fence just gave way and the dog came tumbling over, because it was terrified when I got back there. My dogs didn't attack it, but they had it in a corner. I got my dogs away and back inside and then went over to the neighbors.

And what do you fucking know, they aren't home. Now what the fuck do I do? I have this terrified large dog in my backyard, it won't move, it barks when I approach it, and it's owners aren't fucking home. Oh, and their other three dogs are going nuts. I don't want to call the cops or the dog warden, because I just don't. So I grab a rake and swing it around while yelling like caveman. It works. The dog jumped back over the fence.

The next day I go over to my neighbors house multiple times to try to talk about this. Nobody answers the door. I know they're fucking home. I can see the TV screen flashing through a basement window. What a bunch of fucks. So I write a note, being very respectful and explaining the situation, and said that I just want to make sure everybody stays safe. I leave my phone number. I don't expect any response.

Lo' and behold, I come home from work last night and there are random pieces of metal siding stacked up against the chainlink fence. It's trashy as fuck, but at least it should keep the dogs back...or make it really fucking loud when they escape. God dammit I hate those people. I should have just called the cops, right?

Workaholics/Broad City. This is the best hour of television around right now. And I am the most gender biased media consumer out there, but Broad City is hilarious. #JeanClaudesDamnVan

GERRY! GERRY! GERRY! I suppose there is a chance that some of you guys missed this huge Michigan recruiting announcement...
As excited as I am about Roquan Smith possibly committing to Michigan(not likely), Gerry was even more excited. In fact, he was so excited that he decided to celebrate with some Pornhub and share his choice of spankbank with his loyal followers. That's correct, this ESPN National Recruiting Analyst tweeted out a porn link. And I know what you're all wondering. "What was he jerking it to, Mr.Ace?" Well I did some research for you and found out where that link led to. Turns out our friend Gerry is a fan of Teen Porn, particularly films starring Krystal Boyd. Gerry takes his scouting of high school talent very seriously. At least he's consistent. Drew and Gerry have a lot in common it appears.

Now I'm not here to rag on the guy for watching porn. I'm not even gonna rag on him for posting the link. Mistakes happen. I know. About 3 years ago I was working in a residential facility with sexually reactive youth; aka sexual offenders...or at least kids who were found guilty of attempting to offend. At this same time, a friend of mine sent me a link to some Youporn vid that he claimed had some chick we went to college with. I opened the vid, got distracted by something, and then locked my phone. Hours later it's about bedtime at the facility and I am bullshitting with one of the clients, who is 19, and at some point we start talking about my dog. I unlock my phone to show him a video of my dog and FUCKING BAM PORN IN MY FACE! My heart drops immediately. I try to hide it, but the kid saw it. Pornographic material can be a HUGE trigger for some of these kids. Thankfully, this happened to be a kid who kinda got fucked in his situation and didn't really belong in our program. So he just laughed at me trying to cover it up.

The point is; Shit Happens. Especially in recruiting porn. We've all been caught watching porn on the job, right? RIGHT? Hopefully we get some answers from ESPN today. And by answers I hope they don't do anything because it's just, like, porn man. But until then, lets make Gerry feel better and share our stories of porn coming back to bite us in the ass...in the comments.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Hump Day Hump: Football Free Edition!

LOL Jeff Rimer fart cloud
Unless something major happens during the course of the day, let's stick with a football free day here.  Starting this evening, I begin my 5 day run as a goodwill ambassador for the city of Columbus at the NHL All Star Fan Fair.  Could you possibly think of a better representative?  I think not.  I have no idea what I'll actually be doing but should find out more tonight at our little orientation meeting.  I'm hellbent on getting a selfie with the Stanley Cup and pretty sure that I will try to steal something (not a kiss from Sidney Crosby, dicks), too.  It should be a good time.  And if not, well, at least the work shifts are only 4-5 hours at a time.  I thought that I heard somewhere that Dan Gilbert wanted to bring the All-Star Game back to The Q so maybe I can let some of you northern jerks know if doing something like this for them is worth your time.  I'll probably have stories on Monday to go along with my Pro Bowl live-blog.

Football has dominated the talk around here for months now but since that is ending, we should check in on the other sports to see what it going on.

*College Basketball! - I'm really struggling to get into it this year.  My alma mater is terrible and the game seems to be lacking ELITE white males and thus my interest is at an all-time low.  When boring ass Virginia is the #2 team, that isn't helping.  Plus, Ohio and WE ON don't appear to be have a big run in them.  Dullsville, bruh.

*Hockey! - I pretty much only follow the Jackets but I do have to say that the goddamn Islanders are really fucking impressive.  Them and Nashville are the two teams that just obliterated the CBJ from start to finish and that doesn't happen often.  As for the CBJ, the early season injuries killed them and they won't be able to dig out of the hole this year.  The rest of the East got way better while we spent most of the first half averaging 7 guys on the shelf PER GAME.  I still love these guys because they play their asses off and won't quit and additional gritty sports cliches, but they need to play .700 hockey the rest of the way and I don't see that being possible.  Carry It nonetheless!

*Golf! - Outside of Tiger Woods' hilarious meth teeth, the big story from the weekend was the Hawaiian abduction of Robert Allenby from a wine bar.  Cowherd was questioning the truth behind this odd tale yesterday and I'm starting to poke holes in this as well.  I'm calling this guy out as a liar.  Pretty sure that Allenby is a serial rapist of homeless people and finally met one that fought back IMO.  Also: LOL Tiger's missing tooth.

*Baseball! - We briefly touched on the Max Scherzer signing on Monday but the parameters of this deal are fascinating.  Baseball people are saying that paying him 15 million a year for 14 years is smart but that seems pretty dumb to me.  Then again, I'm no nerd.  I would try to front-load as much of that as possible just to get it out of the way.  I hope that the Reds fans are paying attention to this because you should start preparing for no more Cueto.  He isn't going to make Max money, but it is definitely going to be more than what you offer.  And now that teams are doing this deferred money plan, the rich are only going to get richer.

*NBA! - Last but not least, let's talk about my rejuvenated Cavs who look like an entirely different team now.  Mozgov and JR Smith have been fantastic additions (TIMOFEY has been well worth the low first round picks if he keeps playing like this).  LeBron looks focused and is actually trying.  Kyrie and Love are slowly playing a little bit better defense.  Blatt is setting on player rotations.  Shumpert should be back any day now to bolster the perimeter defense.  Things are trending up for sure.  I know that Lacey will chide me for cocking off about a game in January, but they beat the piss out of the Bulls the other night.  It was never close.  I've always said that I'm OK with losses as long as the effort is there.  When the Cavs play with the kind of effort that they showed against the Bulls and Clippers, no one in the East can beat them in a series.  No one.  Sorry, Dawg, but your Hawks are peaking too early.  I'm feeling good about this team now and they are starting to become pretty fun to watch.  THE DIFF!  Also, we made Derrick Rose's pussy lips cry after the game...LOLZ!

I got through everything that I wanted to today but feel free to discuss anything and everything non-football.  This is my final post for the week as you get a BONUS ICEMAN RANT on Friday.  He's had this one locked and loaded for months so you know that it is bad.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The MoneyShot Snipes You With HOT Political TAEKS.


"Bro.  You gotta check out the hooters on this Iraqi chick before I blow them clean off."




I don't do this often ever but today we're going to get mildly political at The MoneyShot.  I tend to avoid subjects like these since they usually start mindless Internet wars that will never be solved.  But then I thought about it and realized...we do that shit with sports on the reg anyway, so who gives a fuck?

Everyone is talking about this new movie American Sniper.  The Academy is rock hard and lubed up, ready to pepper this flick with all the awards.  But many on the Interwebs seem outraged by an alleged misinterpretation of the sniper in question.  Admittedly, I knew nothing about Chris Kyle when the movie trailer was released.  I saw a war movie starring Bradley Cooper and violently fist pumped for a good 15 seconds after.  I just envisioned Clint Eastwood laughing like a bastard while rolling around in stacks of money completely naked.  I'm not sure there is a better money making equation in Hollywood.  War + actor that cranks out the jams = fuck load of money.  It's a nearly fool proof formula.  Even now, I'll admit that I still don't know a lot about this guy.  Or I should say I don't know if the information I have is completely accurate.  The Internet can be a dangerous place to get believable information these days.

From what I've read, apparently Clint Eastwood has really ruffled some feathers with this one and the film has brought into question exactly who this Chris Kyle guy is/was.  I've read some articles and watched some interviews and it seems like there is a definite divide in opinion.  Chris Kyle American Hero or Chris Kyle American Psycho?  You have right wing people celebrating Chris Kyle the solider and calling him a true American hero because of the countless number of American lives he is responsible for saving.  Then you have left wingers calling Kyle a hate filled, murderous bastard who "loved" killing and who was insanely racist.

Here's my ELITE opinion on the matter.  It's going to take a lot more than Michael Moore flapping his fat jowls for me to think poorly of a guy who put his life on the line to protect mine.  I personally know one SEAL and he's a Kentucky gay boy who turns a blind eye to improper NCAA benefits and incest.  The SEAL I know is not a bad mother fucker that could kill you with a paper clip.  It takes a special combination of crazy and stupid to become a Navy SEAL and they probably need to be in order to do what they do and live with it.  You have to be born with a certain mental makeup that differs from most normal people, IMO.  What I'm saying is I'm not judging this man for whatever faults he may have had.  Because I know who isn't becoming a SEAL.  Me.  I also know who isn't fighting terrorists.  Also me.  And to be honest, I think I require the guys making sure I don't wake up with a bad guy's assault rife pressed firmly against my nose, a little off upstairs and radical with their actions.

I think these left wingers just need to R-E-L-A-X.  The men and women in our military risk their lives to make sure that Americans like me can do stupid shit like be gluttonous assholes at ridiculous food challenges.  So I'm gonna cut our soldiers a little fucking slack when it comes to the manner in which they defend my freedom.  So maybe Kyle did enjoy killing terrorists.  Okay.  So fucking what?  Wouldn't you?  Just a little?  Especially if it meant an American solider lived in the process??  So what if he was a little hate filled?  I can safely say that I would also probably hate the people responsible for me waking up in the desert every morning wondering if today is the day a four pound spider bites my dick off.  I think any normal person would be somewhat hate filled in that situation.  And I don't think I need to point out the fact that every last one of you fuckers here is a little racist.  Also...who gives a rat's ass that he wrote a book about his experience to try and reap some monetary benefits, post war? The military guys I know tell me the pay sucks and is really hard to live off of.  So I see nothing wrong with a little side action.

Maybe my opinion will change if I get more information.  Or more credible information.  But from what I've seen and read so far, it sounds like sad, gun hating hippies are just trying to poke holes in a story about a man responsible for saving a lot of American lives.  If that is indeed the case...go eat some granola and find something else better to do, you fucking losers.  Anyway...I figured this would be a nice break from sports and something new to talk about.  Have at it, fellas.

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Worst of Conference Championship Weekend Vol.VIII


I don't want to sound like Grampa Simpson here but I am currently experiencing lower back pain and it is the worst.  I would rather live with Cakes forever than deal with this for another minute.  I felt it tweak a little bit when I was twerking at the gym two weeks ago and, no matter what I do, the dull and awkward pain remains.  Putting on socks is the goddamn Battle of the Bulge at this point.  It is the hardest thing that I do right now.  The only thing that gets me through the day is that stretch where you look like you're trying to blow yourself/shoving your head up your ass.  I don't want to go to the chiropractor and hope it goes away eventually (LOL NO) but I know that it won't.  Lower back pain is terrible (UPDATE: feeling significantly better!  Complaining about it on the internet seems to be the best medicine).  Don't get old.  Let's talk about shitstack human beings and football.

409 - The NCAA gave Joe Paterno his wins back on Friday and it was obvz a terrible decision.  I don't know why they took them away in the first place (fucking kids isn't really a performance enhancer...or at least I hope it isn't) but giving them back blows.  The Penn State basketball and hockey teams both wore 409 patches this weekend.  I hate Penn State alums more than anyone ever.  They don't get it and they never will.  It is OK to want them all to die horribly.  They deserve worse.

Greg Anthony - Arrested in a prostitution ring!  BOO YAH!  I like Anthony so I hope that it doesn't kill his broadcasting career but you know that it will and we will be doomed with a lifetime of Doug Gottleib being a cocksucking thief on the mic forever.

Jim Tomsula - Watch his interview with CSN Bay Area or whatever.  They basically replaced HarBRAH with PFTCommenter.  This guy is the best and will produce LOLZ forever.  Plus, he looks like Football Ron Jeremy and that is what the NFL needs right now.

Jim Tomsula Part Deux - The favorite to be the Niners OC is LANE KIFFIN!!!  Jesus titty-fucking Christ.  Does Prime know how lucky he is to live in that area and not be a fan just to listen to the constant bitching?  He can probably drive with his erection while listening to KNBR.

The NFL - Of course they don't particularly give a shit about beating women and kids but if Beast Mode wants to wear solid gold cleats...HE MUST DIE (or be banned from playing)...because of cleat color.  This is important now.

Mike McCarthy - When you're on the road and kick two field goals from inside the three then you are a gigantic slop box.  This guy is such an average ass coach.  That might be giving him too much credit because the way that his team folded yesterday was Hall Of Fame shittiness.

AJ Hawk - Did he get hurt?  Because the Seahawks ran the ball 35 times and the starting MLB had one more tackle than Soda Popinski.

Pete Carroll - BRAH, your QB totes had a concussion from that savage Matthews hit and no one tested him at all...just put him back out there.  NO MORE!

Brandon Bostick - The play was bad enough but don't tell the media that you are out there to block but thought that you could catch it so you decided to not do your job.  Poor guy is going to take all the heat while his coaches deserve most of it if not all.

Russell Wilson - For 55 minutes, this guy was Joe Bauserman on whatever the complete opposite of steroids is.  The punter was showing more ARM TALENT.  And then, like all annoying goody-two-shoes, he came through when it mattered.  Even the passes that he completed looked like they were all due to luck.  What an unreal ending to a pig-poop game.  That wasn't even football for the most part.  I can't believe that the Seahawks won.  They didn't deserve that and Sherman has one arm now.  Oh well, that is why you earn home field in the regular season so that a ton of your fans can leave before the game is over.  LOL!  Go cry some more, Rusty, you dicknip.

Peyton Manning - I mean, I could laugh at him tucking his jersey into his dad jeans for Papa John's all day long, but I feel like his poop performance last week (calling bullshit on that torn quad FOREVER) ruined what could have been the worst QB game of all time last night.  Pey Pey in the wind and rain might have had 10 picks.  And I feel cheated.

Andrew Luck - Belichick just owns his ass.  I mean, the Colts had zero chance unless Brady played like Rusty Dubs and he didn't.  It was uglier than Luck's beard.  I'm just glad that it's over.

Former Browns - Cribbs (or Chronic as someone called him last week) had a GIANT MUFF that effectively ended the game in the first quarter and Trent Richardson didn't even make the trip because he is going through some sort of massive family issue.  I'd bet that whatever is going on in his life is hilarious.

Not Nate Solder - Typical fucking Patriots running OL pass plays but I will forever love 77s finding paydirt.  It is a known FACT that #77 is the best number in football and seeing the hands and agility of big Solder was refreshing and exhilarating. Mark my words: the first team to get their 77 into the end zone in the Super Bowl will win the game.

LeGarrette Blount - Fuck this piece of shit.  How is he only ever decent against Indy?  I hate this guy.  More carries to Pat Devlin or GTFO.

Jim and Feel and especially Mike fucking Carey - YES!  We are officially the longest amount of time away from the next time that we have to hear these fucktards call another football game!  If I was grading this announce team, I would give them a Y minus.  Of course, Carey thought that that TERRIBLE roughing the passer on Brady call was correct because he is awful and that was absurd.

So here we go with Seattle and New England in the Super Bowl (with thankfully the NBC telecast) and Katy Perry's beefers.  I can live with this.  Actually, I'm all for this.  I don't necessarily want either team to win but these are probably the two best franchises in the game and ELITE respects ELITE.  And yes, both of these teams would kill Ohio Buckeyes, Drew!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Open Forum: MONEY SHOT POTLUCK!

Might I interest you old timers in a game of Find The Fleshlight?
Yesterday, Monkey Boy was talking about his perfect diaper party that he has a scrapbook on or whatever.  Part of that was determining the food served.  He said that he didn't want it to be a potluck or something...I don't know, I wasn't really listening.  Bro, potlucks are always tremendous.  You can eat whatever you want and then on the way home say shit like "who brought that potato salad...shit tasted like mung" to your lady friend (or man candy in Dut's case).  Now, I do most of the cooking in our house.  I like doing it and it gives She$ a chance to feed the baby while I prepare Michelin star quality plates.  I am by no means an ELITE chef but I know my way around a spice rack.  One thing that all great culinary minds such as mine do is NEVER measure anything.  Makes me feel like a real pro.

Anyway, I thought that today we could all make our offerings to a future Money Shot Potluck which will likely never happen.  I suppose we could maybe do something cool if this site ever has a RibFest X or something (like Grumpy's funeral) but I doubt it.  That isn't the point.  Attendance is mandatory and you are required to bring your best dish and a beverage to be shared among the group.  I will provide well done steaks for all commenters.  Just kidding, BRAHs, why don't I slow roast a whole hog (or pay someone to do it for me because I would definitely fuck that up).  Who doesn't enjoy a hog roast?  Well, other than devout Jews and I think Muslims.  Fuck them, they aren't invited anyway.

As for my contribution to The Money Shot Potluck, I make a damn fine chicken and andouille sausage jambalaya.  I'll bring a big ass pot of that.  Also put me down for a 30 pack of Stroh's (30 pack of hos).  Beer was meant to be fire-brewed.

If you suck at cooking or just don't want to, that's cool.  My only rule is that you can't bring anything from a restaurant.  Like, you aren't showing up at this mythical party saying "I BROUGHT THURMANATORS FOR EVERYONE".  Nah, brah.  You are allowed to have a family member make your dish though.  Gram Gram's peach cobbler is perfectly acceptable.  So line up and fill the table.  This comment section is about to get a whole lot more obese.

We also have more NFL playoff games to pick.  Remember, you are playing for me to buy you ribs/avoid having to chip in for my size adult medium Joe Flacco jersey.

Green Bay @ Seattle -7.5 O/U 46.5 - A completely healthy Green Bay team lost by 20 in Seattle in week one.  A banged up Green Bay team will lose by 21 on Sunday.  SEA OVER

Indianapolis @ New England -6.5 O/U 53.5 - Doesn't it feel like the Patriots always destroy the Colts?  I'm not going to say that anyone could have done to Denver what Indy did last weekend but I'm not not going to say that either.  I think that both home teams roll to be honest.  NE OVER

STANDINGS!
10-6: G$, Drew, Iceman, Ide, and JSaul
8-8: Seal and Andrew B
7-9: Prime, Lacey, and Jeff
6-10: Ace and Burke
Faggot Squad: -Rex

It looks like a five horse-cocked race to the finish.  May the best G$ win!  My daughter is getting baptized on Sunday (DEAL WITH IT, GOD) so that may effect my football watching ways.  I doubt it though.  I'll make it back for kickoff even if I have to pistol-whip the pastor.  Enjoy the second to last weekend of meaningful football, bros, and don't forget to set your crock pots for our never-going-to-happen potluck.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

How to Have a Diaper Party!

He's magnificent.
Quick Note: It's fucking cold outside. If you notice a dog tied up outside, CALL THE FUCKING COPS! If you notice a dog in a fenced in yard for a long time without any human attention, CALL THE FUCKING COPS! Seriously. I know you don't want to get into it and it might end up being a hassle, but that dog is going to fucking die. I can't imagine much that is more excruciating than freezing to death. And I'm not sure there is a better indicator of being an awful fucking human than letting a pet suffer in that way. CALL THE FUCKING COPS! END RANT.

Alright, today we are talking a father's most cherished moment...the diaper party. It's like a bachelor party disguised as men caring about an unborn child. A truly beautiful thing.

This past weekend I attended a diaper party for a certain former commenter who will not be named. It was a grand ol' time, outside of being suckered into a theological debate until 5 AM and being witness to a 3 AM prayer circle. So it was basically my sophomore year of college all over again. But there was plenty of beer, a pretty awesome basement that featured a pool table and a shuffleboard table, good people, five hours in the car with a Rex, and a floor for me to crash on...at 5:30 AM. I also woke up with no pants on, but thankfully covered by a blanket. Pretty sure that's how diaper party's are supposed to go.

So I want the Money Shot Maniacs to have a part in planning mine. Here are some key components I think need to be addressed going in:

Beer Selection: Quality or Quantity?
My friends can drink. A lot. And I'm not throwing a diaper party just so all you/those fucks can get drunk on my dime. Oh, you brought a $12 pack of diapers? Sure, drink all of the Two Hearted Ale you want. Fuck that noise. Do I set up a tiered system for the party goers? Natty in one keg--under $15, Yuengling in another--$15-$30, and then Guinness in the VIP section-$30+. This could work.

Shit to do: GREATEST IDEA EVER!
You want to know my grand idea? HIRE A BLACKJACK DEALER! Seriously, what could be better than that for a diaper party? Okay, strippers would be better. What about strippers who deal blackjack?!?!?! Do you understand what I'm doing here? I'm taking the diaper party game to the next level!
Next Level
The Host: Umm...Me?
I have been to 3 diaper parties, and not once has the father hosted. Is that how these things usually go? 1. I don't think I want anybody else planning this thing. I pretty much planned and organized my own bachelor party. I'm not a control freak, but I like to have a plan. 2. How does that conversation even go? "Hey bro, I'm having a kid. Can you call all my friends and tell them to bring me diapers and then we can get drunk together?" Sounds weird to me.

In-laws: Invited?
Do I have to invite Mrs. Ace's dad? I mean, he's an alright guy. I guess. But assuming I'm hosting this thing at my house, that's a 2.5 hour drive for him. Do I then have to offer him a bedroom? I really don't want to. How about younger brother-in-laws? My brother-in-law is a Junior in high school. I'm pretty sure he drinks, as I predicted he would be total stoner 5 years ago and I usually have a pretty good success rate with those predictions. He's also dating a freshman in college...maybe I should just invite her friends.

Food: WE B GRILLIN'?
I don't think I can host a diaper party with a bunch of bros and just offer them seitan and some veggie dogs. The diaper party this past weekend had a nice spread; meat and cheese tray, some wangs, pulled pork, and some peanut butter cracker sandwiches covered in chocolate that I consumed at least 50 of between 2AM and 4AM. But I plan on doing this thing in May, which means it's grillin' season. Burgers and dogs it is, right? Or do I grill some wings to and really show off my chops? Wait, do I have to fucking cook for this shit too?

I have 5 months to get this all planned out and I want to do it right. What say you, Money Shot Maniacs? What's the proper way to throw a diaper party? It's just a more mature version of a bachelor party, right?
I'd bring this guy just for you, Ide/Dut/Shook's Sons

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Final Thoughts On A Shitty College Football Season

Ah Ah Ah Ah Table Five, Table Five--Disco Dabo
We're going to officially wrap up the season Frank Shirley-style today (with a big red bow on it OBVZ).  Enough has been said about the final game although I'm 100% certain that that will carry the day again but I am going to spend my focus on everything else.  If you recall, the season began with an otherworldly performance by future four time Heisman winner, Kenny "Trill" Hill, and a week later we laughed very hard at a certain local team getting murked by a favorite watering hole of Oriental gunman.  Five months later, that local team is the last team standing and Hill is looking for a new school to suck dicks at.  Point is: shit changes quick.

Let's bullet-point the fuck out of the 2014-2015 college football season:

*We finally got to see Gunner Kiel and he was about as average as they come.  That's great, too, because he is such a piece of shit.  Tommy Tuberville was not a good hire by UC.

*Florida State's weekly dance with the devil turned out to be one of the year's finest plots.  It ended the only way that felt right: in completely embarrassing fashion on a gigantic stage.  Jameis Winston kept being an idiot and Jimbo Fisher kept selling his soul for one more W.  The last two years of Noles Football and FSU Twitter was one hell of a wild ride, bruh.

*The ACC is sort of an afterthought if you aren't discussing FSU, Clemsoning, or Canes getting arrested on the reg, but there are some rock solid coaches down there that don't get the attention that they probably deserve.  What David Cutcliffe and Paul Johnson do is pretty amazing.  I'm also not giving up on Al Golden.

*Speaking of the Canes, The U Part 2 was just as pathetic as the first one.  If you want to see a bunch of grown ass men whining about everything, boy do I have four hours of jock-sniffing for you!  The very end with the flag thrown in and the title number taken away was disgusting.  GIVE IT A REST.

*We talk about the Big Ten here all the time so I won't dwell on it too much today but I do want to say again that the chasm between the East teams and the West is like the NFC West vs. the Columbus City League.  The Big Ten championship is going to suck for a LONG time.

*The Big 12 was left holding the colostomy bag because they couldn't decide which team was their ONE TRUE CHAMPION and this is going to keep being an issue until they either add more schools or stop being a pussy.  It would also help if Texas became a power again and Bob Stoops would quit being a loser.

*Bob Stoops fucking sucks.  I'm glad that everyone is getting on this bandwagon that should have been full from the start.  Oklahoma would be better if they named Jim Ross head coach.

*Anyone else scratch their head at Brian Bosworth and Jim Tressel getting into the College Football Hall of Fame?  Tressel still isn't allowed to coach from breaking all the rules and Boz's entire persona was based on steroids and breaking the rules.  This seems odd.

*Notre Dame started out like gang-busters and, once they were stopped from running cheating pick plays, they folded like Dut at a poker table.  Fuck Lacey or whatever Iceman says weekly.  However, Malik Zaire or whatever his name is looked pretty good in the bowl game.

*The MAC continued to be a force of all that is pure and good in this world.  The conference keeps getting better even after all of the coaches move on.  PJ Fleck will be the next to go for sure.  What won't go?  The Glory Hole of the Week which continues to make money fist-over-fleshlight.

*Oregon keeps banging their head on the ceiling.  This program thinks that they are the smartest people in the room but every time that they get a little resistance, they're fucked.  They have one gear: warp speed.  If you fuck with that, it's done.  This is not going to change.

*I expect a monster comeback season out of STANFORD FOOTBALL in 2015.  They just got away from playing STANFORD FOOTBALL too much this season.

*Finally, let's talk about the SEC.  Yeah, they had a very bad bowl season and are now two years removed from a title.  I don't believe that the country is catching up to them.  One coach is (who will remain nameless) and has figured out how to go toe-to-toe.  I think it's important to look beyond just the bowl season though.  Auburn has the best offensive mind in the sport and now has Will Muschamp running that terrible defense.  They're going to be very good.  Les Miles is always going to be insane but quality.  Sumlin, Mullen, and Freeze are trending upward.  But it's the Berts and the Butchs and the Jimmy Macs (and to a far lesser extent, the Dawgs and Cocks) that tell me that the SEC is going nowhere.  They will still be the big swinging dick with the loudest and drunkest fans.  I'm particularly intrigued by Tennessee.  That program has been a sleeping giant for a while now but they have some really, really interesting players coming back.

2014 will be a very memorable season for many here simply due to how it ended but outside of Jameis's wacky antics, it wasn't a very interesting year.  Oh sure, we finally got our playoff that came with plenty of controversy, but I can't say that this was an all-timer of a season.  The hottest team won at the end.  That's usually how sports works.  We will likely be taking some time off from college football here until around National Signing Day so get it all out of your system now.  And just remember that when the 2015 season kicks off, it will cum with 100% more BRAH!

***Also: let's all wish Grumpy good luck as he fell (LOL!) and broke his leg (not so much LOL) the other day and is having surgery this afternoon to fix it...need to get him one of those "fallen and I can't get up" things IMO.  You've got two months to heal up for Ribfest.***

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ohio vs. Oregon National ChampionSHIT: Live Blog


Didn't even take a full decade to forget this loser.



Today will either be the best or worst day in the history of college football.  Either we all get to hoist Mark May onto our shoulders while celebrating the Ohio Buckeyes falling short in yet another national championship game, or we're forced to live in a Godless world where the most undeserving fan base in the country gets to be happy.  Unfortunately I have a feeling the Fuckeyes win this one convincingly.  You don't dominate Bama in that fashion and then not show up in the title game.  Since today will definitely be about Ohio winning a national title or choking on a gaggle of duck dicks, we're going to live blog this one and just let the inmates run wild in the comment section.  A tried and true formula that always delivers.  Don't forget to LOL at Fat Face Troy SMIFF Young one last time before we kick things off.

8:09 - Doran Grant looks like a horse.  And Ezekiel Elliott's face looks like he's having an allergic reaction to shell fish.  First impression...Ohio has the advantage in ugly shit birds.

8:11 - Listening to Lee Corso makes me wonder how much longer ESPN is going to let this guy float slowly into insanity in front of our eyes.  One day he's gonna show up in just his underwear holding a spatula in one hand and a dead cat in the other.

8:16 - EXPERT PICK TIME!  Desmond Howard should make some more friends in Ohio by picking Oregon.  LOL.  David Pollock hates women's rights but likes the Ohios.  And Corso gives his patented curse to the Buckeyes...after accidentally spitting on himself and almost losing consciousness.

8:20 - "REMEMBER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FOR CENTURIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!!"  Can't wait to hear this fucking song a billion times tonight.  Prime's musical heroes are annoying.

8:24 - How did Urban Meyer make it out of the tunnel without his heart exploding?  Lotta flashing lights and loud noises for a guy with heart problems.

8:27 - Mother of mercy!  Joey Bosa's nose needs its own zip code.



The Bosa brothers having some family fun

8:28 - That National Anthem would have been way better if done by Total Recall, IMO.  Something to think about next year, guy in charge of booking that job.

8:31 - Two minutes before kickoff seems like a good time for sideline interviews.  Get the fuck off the field, losers.  And someone kill Tom Rinaldi, please.

8:34 - KICKOFF!!  Oregon ball at the 25.

8:35 - Hey, guys.  Can anyone tell me if Oregon's offense goes fast?  More responsible journalists would probably alert the people watching at home to such important information.  It looks like it's Thomas Tyner's personal mission to fucking truck every last defender for the Buckeyes.  FUMBLE!!!!  Oof.  What a lucky bounce.  Jesus, ANOTHER FUMBLE!!!  Check that...knee down, Oregon keeps it.  What a crazy start.

8:43 - Oregon TD.  Uh oh....that was really fast and easy.  Probably a lot of sweaty Buckeye sacks out there right now.  7-0 Oregon.

8:48 - Ohio Buckeyes turn to respond.  Already a critical drive for them with 12 minutes to go in the 1st quarter.  Good Lord...Cardale Jones is a fuckin load.  Good run by him for a first down.  Well that didn't last long.  Punt.

8:53 - That Taco Bell commercial where the dick wad kid can't decide whether or not to pay for parking so he can shove diarrhea in his mouth is stupid as fuck.  Just use the drive thru, dipshit.  Oregon ball at the 10.  Buckeyes need a stop in order to keep this game under control...and they do on a dropped pass.

9:00 - AVENGERS, AVENGERS, AVENGERS, AVENGERS, AVENGERS!!!!!

9:01 - Buckeyes pinned deep and Oregon nearly gets a safety.  The advantage of Cardale Jones.  The guy could probably squat on a live grenade and be fine.  Huge first down for Ohio.  Hell of a catch by Marshall followed up by one of the gayest things I've ever seen...



9:04 - That's a pretty bad spot for Ohio on that 4th down...doesn't matter.  First down Buckeyes...touchdown Buckeyes.  This is exactly what they needed to do to keep this game from getting out of control.  7-7.

9:13 - Oregon keeps bailing Ohio out with dropped passes.  Punt.  And apparently Oregon doesn't want to tackle anyone today.  This game has officially swung in the favor of the Buckeyes.  Missed tackles, missed tackles, missed tackles.  14-7 Ohio on a tough run by Elliott.

9:24 - Oregon continues to hang themselves after such a promising start.  Another punt.  Buckeyes trying to rip this open in the LONGEST FUCKING QUARTER IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL.

9:31 - First big mistake in this game...Oregon gets it back on a fumble and good thing, too.  Ohio was about 5 minutes away from jamming another TD up Oregon's asses.  Prediction time: Tyner is going to get a concussion before this game is over.  Dude is looking to nuke anyone who wants a taste.  Oregon red zone.  Oregon turnover on downs after some questionable play calling, IMO.  Take the 3, bruh.

9:41 - Buckeyes deep in their own territory again...Elliott bails them out again.  This fat faced, big mouthed fuckin nerd came to play.  Deep pass by Jones....FUMBLE!!!!!!!!  That one hurts if you're the Buckeyes.  They were about to step on Oregon's neck with their stilettos.  The only thing that's been more entertaining than this game is watching my college buddy absolutely fucking meltdown on Twitter.  He's called this game over about 14 different times tonight.  I don't think he's going to survive the evening.  Oregon does nothing with the turnover gift and punts again.

9:52 - I'll never understand how people allow Devin Smith to catch deep bombs.  You would think defensive coordinators would make it a point to make sure the guy who leads FBS in YPCatch doesn't do that in a championship game.  Three plays later and Ohio is in total control with another TD.  21-7 Ohio.  Should be more like 35-7.

10:00 - Oregon needs points here...any points...or this one could be over with Ohio getting the ball first in the 2nd half.  I'm still trying to figure out why a guy who only threw 3 INTs isn't throwing every down.  But that's none of my business.  This could be the second college QB the Buckeyes ruin for the NFL draft.  #KenDorsey  Oregon gets a FG to make it 21-10 and Oregon is in deep shit.  It isn't often a team has 2 turnovers, is up 11 AND getting the ball first in the 2nd half.  Ouch, babe.  Halftime after a really moronic trick play.

10:31 - Tim Tenor went the entire halftime show without shouting out RibFest or The MoneyShot once.  Pretty rude, IMO.

10:41 - Second half starts with Tom Rinaldi's stupid face.  Why is he still alive?  Buckeyes ball and Elliott picking up where he left off.  This game is probably over if Ohio scores here.  Buckeyes driving again and Jones picks up the first on 4th down because he's a fast, giant dinosaur.  Jesus...a 3rd fucking turnover for the Buckeyes.  Maybe they're trying to set the record for most turnovers in a win.  Don't worry, Mariota is already mentally broken.  Don't expect much on this next drive.

10:50 - Nevermind.  TD Oregon on first play from scrimmage.  21-17 Ohio.  Uhhhh...wut?  Under review???  Oh Jesus Herbert Christ.  You have got to be shitting me.

10:52 - All bias aside...Ohio got screwed on that call.  That ball was coming out before the ball broke the goal line.  Which brings me to...STUPID FUCKING DUMB FUCK SHIT FOR BRAINS COCK LOVING DICK FUCK!  I'm stunned this behavior still happens at any level of football.  How many fucking times are idiotic dumb shit WRs gonna do that diva shit at the goal line before they realize how stupid it is?!  If I'm Helfrich, Byron Marshall is running sprints bright and early tomorrow morning until he shits and pukes at the same time.

11:00 - Another.  Fucking.  Turnover.  That football is coming out like it's covered in Peter King's belly lard.  Ducks in the red zone but only get 3.  Four turnovers and only 10 points to show for it.  Ohio's red zone defense making those bone head turnovers hurt less than they should.  21-20 Ohio.

11:11 - Let's see how Ohio responds after their 4th turnover.  The game plan from here on out for Ohio should be Elliott infinity carries until the clock reads zero.  Oregon doesn't have an answer for him.  Touchdown Elliot.  28-20 Ohio, end of the 3rd.

11:21 - Hey there!  Hold onto your dicks!  A Disney movie about cross country.  Hoo boy, that one should be a gas!  Early Oscar nominee!!  LOL.  Get the fuck out of here.  No one wants to see some bullshit movie about running.

11:22 - Marcus Mariota's brother Matt looks like the fat, nonathletic kid that is sure to be an incredible disappointment to his entire family.  He probably eats a lot of ham and Oreo sandwiches.  Oregon punts again and this game is about to be over as long as URBZ takes my ELITE advice and just pounds it with Elliott.

11:32 - Another long drive for the Buckeyes resulting in another TD by Elliott.  He's a dumb, black, queer and I hate him.  But he's been unstoppable and Ohio doesn't win this game without him.  Hopefully he does something really black, like rapes a white girl with a giant bag of coke, in the off season and gets kicked off the team.

11:38 - If I'm Mark May, I'm really thinking about deactivating my Twitter, quitting broadcasting, moving to a log cabin in Montana and changing my name to something inconspicuous like Travis Wilkins.  Mariota gets hurt because Bosa is a cheap bitch.  This game is really over now if Mariota can't make it back.  Who am I kidding...this shit is fucking over regardless.  Ohio gets the ball back with a chance to slam the door.  Nope.

11:55 - One last shot for Oregon.  Not even close.  Game over.  42-20 Ohio Turd Suckers.

Well, eat it up assholes.  You did it.  No one can say this isn't hands down the best team in college football.  They fought back from a horrid Virginia Tech loss at home and beat all the teams everyone said they couldn't.  You're all faggot cunts and I hate you all but the playoff system worked.  We have an undisputed national champion, the best team won, you guys got the SEC monkey off your back and you made Mark May eat large quantities of his own shit.  Nowhere to go from here but down.  The shock of the night had to be Cardale Jones not sounding like a total buffoon during his post game interview.  I'm sure people nation wide were cringing as that mic was jammed in his face.  I was CERTAIN that a guy behind the infamous "didn't come here to play school" Tweet would sound like a bigger dipshit than Jameis Winston.  Sadly, he didn't.  That's it for me.  All you Ohio fans can eat shit covered dicks.  Especially Cakes.