Wednesday, February 04, 2015

The Series Finale of The Money Shot...

Well, we did it.  This is the 2,385th and final post at The Money Shot.  February 4th, 2015 is probably going to be talked about more than 9/11 and Pearl Harbor combined when the new history books are written.  As I've mentioned over the past week, this day was coming at some point--I just did not know when.  Now that we are here, I'm strangely at peace.  It just seems right.  Helping ease the powerful feels is the next chapter of our internet lives anyway but we'll get to that later.

I started The Musings of GMoney (nice name, douche) in July of 2006 while I was living in a one bedroom apartment on the east side of Cleveland.  The idea was sprung on me by a current college football DL coach who thought that I could carve out a decent niche on the worldwide web with my unique opinions, brash style, and gorgeous looks.  Ironically, the plans for this site were hatched at the wedding reception of Ace's basketball coach cousin.  Dickhead was actually there when this site was mentally born and he didn't even know it.  Hell, we probably didn't even know each other at that point.  Either way, solo living isn't easy and I started randomly writing to get through the boredom and loneliness (very little of it was any good though).

Once I moved to Columbus, I started doing this daily.  I'm not sure if anyone remembers this, but I used to write posts as soon as I came into work every morning.  How mad would you jerks be if I was posting at 9 am every day still?  LOL SO MAD BRO.  We eventually started to build a following whether it be through lifelong friends from Nap, through message boards/links, or picking up losers off the scrap heap (Drew).  We added Mr. Ace along the way to lessen my burden and then he quit.  After a high stakes contest to replace him, we gained an Iceman.  Iceman then eventually died out of stupidity, came back as someone else, killed that guy off, and then became a born-again Iceman.  Never forget that this was all necessary because he is an idiot.  Then Mr. Ace came crawling back again and we had a threesome that was loved and hated and lusted after by all.  We developed our own played out words and phrases.  We LOLZed.  We cried.  We got erect. We got married.  We had kids.  We had incredible discussions about pornography.  It was everything that I ever wanted.

Over the years, and especially recently, people have asked what the goal was for The Money Shot.  Did I have bigger aspirations for the site?  To answer that question as plainly as possible.  No.  This is exactly what I wanted it to be.  I didn't secretly want to work at The Dispatch or whatever.  I can only imagine submitting this site as a writing sample and the sports editor saying, "Have you seen how this guy uses the word 'faggot'?  Incredible!  Let's put him on the Crew beat post haste!" I wanted a relatively small and tight-knit group that I could see myself arguing at a bar with over sports and life or whatever only doing it every day on the internet.  I had no intention of making it big as a blogger (LOL).  The only thing that I wanted from this was a distraction from work and/or life.  I love talking about sports and I REALLY love being right.  That's all that I've ever needed.  Finding a group of assholes with the same zest for internet life was all that I required.

No one has ever asked, but I do have two big regrets here.  It's nothing major but there were two stories/concepts that I wanted to address but never got around to it.

*Big Boy Work Stories - In high school, I was a server for six months or so at Big Boy.  Burke was a cook and a handful of our bros also worked there.  It was seriously the worst restaurant ever.  We picked on the mentally challenged dishwasher (she threw a butter knife at me once!), fucked with nearly everyone that tried to order via the drive-thru (I will never forget one guy screaming at the top of his lungs, "I WANT A GODDAMN PEPSI WITH NO ICE"!), and who could forget the fake shit.  I will tell that tale really quick.  Juan Negro and myself were the only servers on the floor one night and it was about an hour before close.  The only people in there were the regulars that just drank coffee and smoked a lot.  We see a car pull in and neither of us want to deal with them.  Black decides to put a lump of the plastic fake dog shit on the floor mat so it is the first thing that you see when you walk in.  This foursome opens the door, I smile at them, they look down, and then immediately retreat back to their car.  LOL!  Black and I went back to working on our Paul Bearer impressions probably.  There are so many good stories from that dump and I wish I had dedicated more time to telling them.
*The grandest finale - For YEARS, I had my exit planned.  It just didn't work out due to laziness.  It was going to be an incredibly high concept week-long post in the style of Vh1's Behind The Music.  Prime, Ape, Iceman, and myself would have formed a rock band and everyone who has contributed here in the past would have played some role in our story.  One day would be the rise then the break-through then the peak of popularity then the fall and to end with the redemption story.  It was going to be great.  I was mentally writing this thing for three years.  But it would have taken forever so I just never started.  SPOILER ALERT: Ape lost an arm in a fight with his savage dogs, Prime was murdered by Boogie Cousins, Iceman became addicted to ribs and was living inside a smokehouse, and I left the band to do acoustic sets under the backdrop of old Peter King columns called "Ten Songs I Think I Sung".  I was the one with the gigantic ego OBVZ.  And it would have ended with all of us burying the hatchet and going on one final Prime-less tour with each of carrying 50 pounds of fat on our frames just like every band.

So what happens now?  Where do we go from here?  I believe that I promised some sort of message board option?  To quote the great Walter White, "you're goddamn right".  Starting RIGHT NOW, the next chapter has begun.  When one door closes, another one opens.  That door has a big sign on it that reads ELITE TAKES.  Yes, ELITE Takes dot com is now your source for 24 hour smack talk and comment accountability.  It is intentionally a bare bones site.  No site banner that screams "not appropriate for work".  No spam.  13 threads and nothing but the best.  I have asked so little from all of you over the years (outside of Iceman and Mr. Ace).  I do ask that you register for the board and give it a chance.  What are you going to do?  Work?  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

That is it for us here at The Money Shot.  The comment section will be open until about 4 pm today until I shut down comments for good.  That will be sad.  The site will remain forever though because I am still very proud of what we have done and also because people need to be held accountable.  We've done some great work here, people, and you should all be pleased with what you've added.  I wanted to close with a quote from one of America's finest poets:

Not about to see your light
And if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like

--Glenn Danzig

LOL!  Iceman thinks that he's hot.  Never forget.  Enough of that though.  One more time, thank you all for your support over the years.  We could not have done it without you.  Nine years is a long time.  Hell, this site can officially try out for Little League.  But it's time to send it out to stud and move on.  Adios, Money Shot, your services were always beloved by all yet are no longer needed.  We will love and miss you forever.  Goodbye.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Ask Me Anything: The GayMA You've All Been Waiting For

Welp. It's Apocalypse Eve here at The Money Shot. G$ bumped Mrs. Ward...and Lacey I guess, out of the hot seat in a move that will never be forgiven. I bet Mrs. Ward would have had some boiling hot takes. But I felt the right thing to do was grant the slave master of this site his wish; An AMA done by your favorite blogger's favorite blogger. Enjoy.

 Ace: I prefer the ol Facebook chat for the AMA's. I'm gonna send u the ones that got submitted so far first. Then send u the real gay ones after I'm drunk at beerfest. I would like you to ask G$ how many times on average he jerks off each week?
G$: What I do in the privacy of my own office bathroom stall is my business. More than zero...way less than hourly

 Ace: How emasculated are you on a daily basis with a daughter, wife, and a beagle that gets picked on by other neighborhood toughs?
G$: Jesus Christ...this is obvz from Ide because only a childless shit-dick would think that baby gender actually matters. I'm not of 17th century British nobility so having an heir matters little. So to answer the stupid ass question, I feel fully masculine.

 Ace: You eat steak medium well like a spade. Iceman prefers fanta. So, who is the bigger asshole when they walk into a Denny's; you or Iceman? (I was fucking dying when I first saw this question, well done)
G$: Iceman lives in Florida so we might have to go to Shoney's. I've eaten at Denny's once in the last 20+ years and it was 6 hours after visiting Prime. I ordered a burger that was 90% grease and I didn't eat it. But I also did not send it back because I was afraid what would come out next. Ice treats servers like filth so definitely he would be the bigger ass while I constantly apologize.

 Ace: AMA for G$: Be real. How many times have you used that flesh light?
G$: You have to admit that it was a baller move to win the DFL and make Dut buy me a sex toy trophy. I don't have the exact number in my head but it isn't more than five times. It is more for show these days. But yeah, you shouldn't ever ask to touch it.

 Ace: If you could bro out w/ any athlete, who would it be and why?
G$: Gronk. Easy. You are guaranteed getting laid by multiple skanks and will get shithouse drunk. I kept it in my race because I have no clue how I would handle going clubbing with black guys.

Ace: What songs would be included in a "faves of G$" playlist?
G$: I'm starting to get into Band of Horses as The Funeral is such an ELITE song. My iTunes account is packed with Big Tymers, Eminem, Pearl Jam, Tony Bataska songs for some reason but they do get better with each listen, and I'm down with Vance Joy. For my money, and I know that Iceman will agree, Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog is the greatest song of all time.

Ace: Favorite and least favorite commenter?
G$: Favorite is Prime simply because it was this site that reconnected us after 20 years. It's cool when the Internet works in a positive way. Least favorite are those that quit. May their shit names never be spoken again.
Ace: That's a fucking copout response. Who is ur least favorite commenter
G$: Fine. Least is Cakes who just disappeared without even giving a sad excuse.

Ace: What was the ultimate deciding factor in shutting it down?
G$: You have no idea how much the garbage fucking trash NFL season hurt my soul. This was BAD. When you add in ohio Buckeyes winning as well, that did not help. Basically, I lost my passion for the craft (not Aaron Craft though because he is a faggot)

G$: By the way, original Coors is a rock solid cheap beer.
Ace: The banquet beer is white trash toilet water.

Ace: What's the best beer you've ever had?
G$: I am no snob on this but I've always loved a big ass stein of Spaten.

Ace: Are you sending me coordinates to a cock party?
G$: I don't think I am.
Ace: This was sent from you:

 G$: I was unaware of this...I like our relationship where it is.

Ace: What's better, life without kids or with it better?
G$: That's a good question. You're definitely more busy with one in tow. Sometimes I miss my lazy ass weekends and nights out with the bros but I love having a kid. I don't expect the childless to understand this sentiment.

Ace: 2nd question from Drew: If you had to have sexual relations with one commenter or else your beautiful spawn would be shipped to Syria, who would it be?
G$: I want to go with a guy who has been there before and would be discreet. So spread dem cheeks, Dut!

Ace: Marry, Fuck, Kill: RG3, Big Ben, Travis Prentice
G$: Kill Ben that's easy. Marry Prentice. And I've been saying it a lot this year anyway but fuck RG3.

Ace: Your top 5 porn stars ever.
G$: 1. Jenna Jameson and the rest in no particular order are Gianna Michaels, Brooklyn Chase, Briana Banks, and pre-BBW Carmella Bing edges out Amy Reid and Tera Patrick
Ace: *Googles Brooklyn Chase* She's well equipped.

Ace: If you could pick one job for the rest of your life, what would it be? And it has to be a job...not lotto stud.
G$: Lotto stud seems pretty sweet but I've always liked the looks of Ron Swanson's gig on Parks & Rec.  I think that he is the Parks Director.  You hire good people and do nothing yourself.  Plus, working for a city's Parks Department is enjoyable.  I know from experience, dude. Also: rock star would be badass

Ace: Pick 1: Cavs title, Redskins title or Miami winning BCS Bowl. The one you pick happens, but the others are guaranteed not to happen for another 25 years.
G$: You mean that if I don't pick the Redhawks to win a BCS Bowl then they won't for 25 years?  How horrible!  I want Dan Snyder to die ringless so I'm picking the Cavs just so I can hold it over all those losers up there that they are winners because of me
Ace: If it were Redhawks win a Natty you would pick that....right?
G$: Yes I would pick a national title obvz

Ace: Another user submitted question: Where is Cakes?
G$: That's what I want to know. I ain't gonna beg but we deserve an explanation

Ace: Hall Pass: You can bang one chick with She$'s blessing and no guilt. Who is it?
G$: Dolph Lundgren but if he's too busy with Iceman, put me down for Anne Hathaway.
Ace: That's the worst choice ever.

Ace: Why did you start the blog?
Ace: Don't make me go all whiny Bobby Costas on you.
G$: Well, I need something for the finale, god dammit

Ace: How did you come up with The Money Shot as the name? What was the second choice for blog name?
G$: The name was part of a poll I conducted in the early days.  TMS won while The Mustache Ride finished second.  To be honest, I was pulling for the latter.  Maybe 10 people voted so it was way more successful than a non-presidential general election.

Ace: What's your favorite Stube story?
G$: Stube memory - Every once in a while back in the not-married days, I would work the door.  Burke used to bartend on Sundays so if it was a three day weekend, I would check IDs for him.  Checking IDs is pretty boring so I used to fuck with people and accuse them of having fakes to see what they would do.  One douche did not care for this move (it was a pretty obvious "I'm just fucking with you vibe") and told me to go fuck myself.  So I frisbee flung his ID out into the middle of the parking lot and told him to never come back.  It felt great.
Ace: That's fantastic.
G$: By the way, the Stube Door gig came with 40 bucks at the end of the night and all the beer/shots that I could drink.  It was a GREAT job but probably not what Kempton wanted his door guy to do.  Fuck him and the Seahawks.

Ace: What was the apex of The Money Shot? Like was there a time period where page views were really up and you thought you or TMS could go big time?
G$: Apex...I used to put together a lot of list posts before Buzzfeed killed lists forever that would get linked at a lot of the big boy sites.  But the problem with the internet is that now days everything that you think of, someone has already done better.  Five years ago, that wasn't necessarily the case.  I think that my Sweatiest Coaches in College Hoops is the all-time traffic leader with something like 40K hits in one day...The part about where I envisioned the site to go is going to be a part of Wednesday.

Ace: What 3 posts would you say were your finest work? Or are you covering that tomorrow too.
G$: My God, you are asking me to pick three favorites out of 9+ years?  This truly is a hard-hitting GayMA!  The hardest one that I ever wrote was the day after my dog got hit by a car.  That one was tough.  Back when commenters getting married was fast and furious, I always enjoyed the pre-wedding day advice posts.  And I think that my favorite post here was when I ran Denard through Gruden's FFCA segment.  Also: The BRAHs 4 Life.

Ace: A late commenter question: Ask him what he plans to do to fill the void of ego inflation from internet trolls?
G$: That's a thing that I am concerned about.  I am the Slumlord of Baltic Avenue here.  Once the slum closes tomorrow, then what?  I pretty much only have one goal left anyway and that is to get TBone fired from The Fan.

Ace: How about what was your favorite post of mine and Ice? Or at least the one that sticks out above the rest of Icemans cock jokes?
G$: Will you ever live down May The Forcier Be With You?  I think not.  It was not your best effort but no one will ever forget it.  I always enjoyed Iceman and I's mock drafts and, without him going to the Friday's on Airport Hwy every night, we would have never met the Harbaugh Boys as who they really are.
Ace: I need to go back and read that post. Tater really fucked me there. Also, I actually own a shirt that says "May the Forcier be With You".

Ace: Top 3 Big Tymers songs?
G$: 1. #1 Stunna 2. Rocky 3. Big Ballin...not a big fan of Still Fly for some reason.

Ace: Why does everybody hate Dut?
G$: He's a weasel that openly brags about groomed stubble

Ace: As I'm in the middle of cooking a feast right now, What is the best meal you could make?
G$: I work well with pork and I'm good with seasoning.  Put me down for a grilled Cajun chop with bacon and cheese rotini as a side.  I make that shit from scratch.  Roux brah!
Ace: Impressive.

Ace: What do you really think happened to Cakes? My theory is he went into mourning after Ice left for Florida and couldn't take having Internet TAEKS with him and not being able to touch his face.
G$: Probably something simple like he's too dumb and felt inadequate around such brilliant takesmiths

Ace: Are you afraid of Mrs Ward? I am.
G$: Nah she married a turd sandwich.

Ace: Why aren't you protecting your dog?
G$: I wish I knew. Someone remind me in the comments to bring closure to that story. I come off like a stud.
Ace: I have my doubts.

Ace: Any sage advice for me as I am 5 months away from fatherhood?
G$: Honestly, it's easier than you think. I am NOT saying that it's easy but I built it up in head as worse than a lifetime hourly convo with Jeff but it's not. Keep a level head. Shit is going to happen. Also, do not seek to watch your kid come out. You don't want that.
Ace: I decided long ago that I would not move below the waist when it was time. No man needs to see that.

Ace: Would you ever move back to Naptown?
G$: I highly doubt it. I've long grown out of my fondness of small town America. And I don't need the in laws showing up unannounced.

Ace: Who do you predict will show up for Ribfest?
G$: The usuals will be there. Dut won't. I'm calling two Sauls and Lacey to bring one of not both of his bro in laws

Ace: Do you ever get tired of being called a ginger/lacking a soul?
G$: Someone get this n-word an urban dictionary.  One of the many kids he left behind might have one.
Ace: I'll take that as a yes.

Ace: What's your favorite app on your phone, other than PROBOARDS.
G$: My least favorite is espn. Twitter is the best. I was so wrong about it.

Ace: What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
G$: I work out.  Get it over with before my ladies get home and I need to focus on being a mediocre husband and father

Ace: What sports team do you hate the most, other than the Redskins?
G$: Dallas Cowboys

Ace: How many times can you wear dress pants before washing them? Not being able to wear sweatpants to work is really throwing me off.
G$: Twice on the pants. Jeans can go weeks
Ace: That's fucking absurd. I'm wearing dress pants at least 6 times before they get washed, or drycleaned, right IDE?

Ace: How many people have touched your b-hole?
G$: *Crickets*

Ace: I think we've hit on just about everything. Anything else you would like to add?
G$: Nah. I'm good.
Ace: It was my pleasure allowing you to pleasure me in this interview
G$: Word.

And there you have it folks. The last ever AMA...or is it?

Monday, February 02, 2015

The Worst of Super Bowl 49 Vol.VIII

Bye, Money Shot!
For being the final Super Bowl that I "cover" here, it sure did not disappoint for drama.  I would say that it was one of the best ever until you realize that the Patriots won and fuck them so whatever.  There should not be any sort of asterisk attached (unless you are trolling and, in that case, asterisk your ass off).  The better team might not have won but the healthiest did and that makes sense.  Let's talk about the game itself. 

The Wolf of Wall Street - I finally watched this movie over the weekend and while the tits and drugs and language were quite incredible and Jonah Hill's buck teeth were LOL, I couldn't help thinking that this movie was the exact same as Boiler Room only twice as long.  If I'm going to watch a movie about shady stock brokers, I'm going to need Businessman Vin Diesel dammit.  Good movie but should have never been nominated for an Oscar IMO.

Bob Costas - I watched some of the never-ending pregame show and the former Newsradio guest star (beat up Joe Rogan!) was whining because the Commish stood him up for an interview.  He probably has a point though.  Shouldn't the head of the league talk to the network broadcasting the biggest game?  Fuck Goodell.  Someone should have murdered him after he tried to big time my girl, Rachel Nichols, last week.

Not Dude Perfect - I had no idea who these guys were before yesterday.  Are they legit?  Because they are sick as all get out if that trick shot group is legit.

Tom Izzo - I watched the second half and overtime of the WE ON/WE ON State game yesterday and while laughing at regular WE ON for having three players worth a shit, I couldn't help but notice that Sparty leads the nation in really light-skinned black guys.  They've got at least four.  It was unsettling to me.  WE ON sucks.

Jeremy Lane - Did you see the picture of his arm snapping in half?  NASTY.  He pulled a Grumpy!

Who the fuck is that guy? - That Chris Matthews cat has some skills.  I would ask "where did they find that guy" but Al and Chris told us where 40 times and also called him Hardball every chance they could.  I thought I heard that the Browns (who were mentioned a few times during the game for some reason) cut Hardball.  Makes sense.  Got to clear a spot for Nate Burleson!

Nationwide - Uh, sweet commercial about drowning children, bruh.  Way to represent Columbus with that interesting advertisement.  I don't have coverage through you but I would appreciate it if you did not kill my kid.  Thanks!  Also, Budweiser mocking craft beer was hilarious.  Hilarious because they don't want you to buy better beer.  I don't care about commercials though.  I'm a winner.

Not Julian Edelman - As annoying and cliche as it is to say, this is just a bro that you want on your team.  He makes winning plays.  Period.  He might not be the MVP, but he was easily runner-up.  In FACT, he and Vereen were everything that loser ass LaFell and Blount were supposed to be.

Lenny Kravitz - The Halftime Show was solid even though Lenny was pointless and Missy Elliott sucks.  Katy killed it as expected because Katy is ELITE. I also want to draw a line in the sand here:  PRINCE SUCKS.  FUCK PRINCE.  The internet and 40 somethings love him but gritty champions like myself realize that he's only good for Chapelle Show re-enactments and nothing else.  All of his songs are terrible.  All of them.  Come at me, bro.

Tarrold Simon...maybe? - The Patriots kept picking on Lane's replacement but why the hell were they leaving him on an island anyway?  That was dumb as fuck.

Brady Haters - He is the best QB of all time. He was before last night.  He still is. He always will be.  This is not up for debate.  Can he be a douche and a cry baby?  Of course he can but Tom Brady is the ultimate winner in football.  FACT.

Russell Wilson - I didn't think that he played well at all outside of a few deep balls and they REALLY LUCKY completion to Kearse at the end.  He should have definitely audibled to a Lynch run.  That was dumb as fuck. Yes, it was a stupid play call by Darrell Bevell but Dubs can change it.  He failed.  That is on him.  You have Marshawn fucking Lynch--a human tank--in the backfield with one timeout left.  RUN THE GODDAMN BALL.

Doug Baldwin - Finally, this is when everything changed.  We all had a good laugh at the "Poopdown", his touchdown celebration where he mimed shitting out a football but the game changed as soon as that happened.  I believe it little momentum shifters such as this.  When you fucking suck as Baldwin does, you can not do that.  Richard Sherman can.  Doug Baldwin can not.

So the Patriots win their fourth title and their very horrible fans get to celebrate.  Maybe they'll inherit the superior Champions Lane?  Someone needs to use it.  By the way, JSAUL nailed NE and the OVER so he wins the contest going an impressive 15-7.  I owe you ribs on 3/21.  As for gambling, I would have made a TON had Lynch been given the ball at the end.  Oh well.  Time for me to switch things up and watch Downton Abbey.  FUCK ALL TEAMS THAT WON FOOTBALL TITLES THIS YEAR.