Friday, January 23, 2015

YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?!?!?

"Hey.  Nice tit bags, lady.  Those puppies just got you a free dessert."
I hate pompous servers.  Especially the ones who act like what they do is sooooo dificult.  I've never been a server myself but I know it can't be that hard.  High schoolers do it for fuck sake.  I'm sure by now everyone has seen these smug little articles being shared by bartenders and servers all across the poisonous landscape of Facebook.  Facebook is a landfill of filth and rot.  The dumbest of the dumb share whatever insanely moronic article that happens to pass by their eyeballs.  Without even reading it all the way, they frantically smash the "share" button so they can be the first idiot fuck to pollute a social media site with information that isn't even close to being correct.  For example...a month ago some dickless fuckin knob I went to high school with shared an article saying how Aaron Hernandez was acquitted of all charges and set to rejoin the Patriots for the playoffs.  Really.  You don't say.  Well just a simple Google search would have shown this guy that he's a total fucking dipshit.  But I guess he would rather look like an idiotic ass then take the two God Damn seconds to FACT CHECK himself.

I'm getting away from myself.  Anyway...there are these articles being shared that are written by bartenders and servers loudly boasting about all the things they can't stand about the people they serve on a daily basis.  A "dos" and "donts" as a customer, if you will.  Oh, really?

First of all, you're a server.  You're doing a job that business owners and managers entrust to immature, teenagers that specialize in fucking up.  You are 100% replaceable so don't act like you're saving the fucking world here.  Second of all, if you hate all this shit and the people you serve so much...GET A DIFFERENT FUCKING JOB.  You are literally the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to the work force.  I respect janitors more.  So GIVE IT A REST on these bitching lists or do something else for a living.

After (regretfully) reading these hilarious lists, I have decided to concoct my own list of "dos" and "donts" for people responsible for serving me food.  If you get to air your grievances then I think it's only right that I get to air mine.

1.  Don't act annoyed that I'm there
The only time you're allowed to act like a cock is if some asshole waltzes in 10 minutes before close.  Because that's a fucking dick move.  Taco Bell closes at 3am.  Go shove that in your fat, lazy mouth, loser.  I have a 30 minute rule that I operate by.  If you close in 30 minutes or less...I won't come in.  Because that's rude as fuck, IMO.  But if you close in 40 minutes then you're fair game.  So if I'm giving you that courtesy, then I expect it back, fucko.  Don't roll your damn eyes at me if I walk in at 9:20 and you close at 10.

2.  Know the menu
If the menu says "a starch" comes as a side and you can't name that starch, it makes you look like a moronic toad.  Not to mention that it also happens to be YOUR FUCKING JOB to know.  Let's not gloss over that.  And for the love of Baby Jesus's dirty diapers...don't tell me that "you think" the starch is mashed potatoes and then bring me grits.  Because I fucking hate grits.  Have you ever bit into grits expecting it to be mashed potatoes because that's what your server told you?  There are no words to describe the fury.

3.  Remember my order
Listen.  No onions is a pretty simple request and pretty easy to remember, I would think.  If you have problems remembering things that were discussed about 8 seconds ago then write it down on your standard restaurant issued goofy little notepad thing.  Don't act like Johnny Fuckin Know-it-all and forget I hate onions by the time you get back to the kitchen because you can't stop starting at hostess Monica's barely 18 tits.  No one likes a hero, pal.  And another thing.  If you fuck up my order, don't go back to the kitchen and have one of the high school drop outs working the grill just scrape off what I don't like with his nut skin.  Re-do it.  You're the one who fucked up.  Not me.

4.  I'm not a professional eater
More times than not, I utilize the appetizer page of the menu.  Fuck off, I like to eat.  Just because I eat like a hog doesn't mean I care to look like one too.  So wait until I've finished my appetizer before you bring anything that has to do with my main course, dick smack.  I don't even give a rat's ass if you take my entree order WHILE I'm enjoying my appetizer.  Go nuts, if you must.  Just don't shove everything I ordered in front of me all at once.  I'm not Joey Fucking Chestnut.  I'm not housing everything in under 6 minutes.  Furthermore, I don't care to ruin any shirt sleeves from unknowingly dipping them into the marinara trough as I reach for my double bacon cheeseburger.

5.  Pet names
These are annoying.  Don't use them.  I'm not a "hun" or a "sweetie" or a "babe".  I'm a fucking man with a fucking name that you don't need to know or use.  Your job isn't to get to know me on a personal level.  Your job is to take my order (correctly) and make sure Billy Trailer Park in the back cooks it right without doing anything illegal to it.  That's it.  Pretty simple.

6.  Refills
This pisses me off like no other.  I don't know how everyone else here is, but I must have a beverage at all times while eating.  I just do, okay?  I shouldn't have to stop you as you pass by my table for the 5th time and beg for a refill after my drink has been empty for 10 minutes.  I know you've had a tough night because you just got 30 Snapchats of your girlfriend getting finger slammed in some college guy's TransAm but don't take your grief out on my thirst.  I'm sure you have "a lot of tables" but making sure my drink is always full goes a long way towards that tip you think you deserve so much.

7.  Tips
Here's my philosophy on tipping.  You have to fucking earn it.  I'm not going to automatically tip the suggested 20% if you've been a dead fish all night.  I can't stand it when I get reminded that servers rely on tips to survive.  Oh yeah??  Then they better do their fucking best at earning those tips, now shouldn't they?  And if I'm paying in cash then bring me back bill denominations conducive to tipping properly.  Instead of giving a ten and two fives, bring out a ten, a five and five ones.  That's serving 101, dick head.  If you don't give me proper tipping change then that shitty tip is on you, hoss.

8.  Check, please.
I hear this a lot...in the whiniest, most nasally voice ever.  "I hate it when people stay too long after their meal.  They don't realize I make more money by flipping tables faster."  Is that a fact?  That's odd because it always takes forfuckingever to get my check and have you process it.  The checkout process should take no more than 5 minutes.  Drop check off, fill another table's drinks, come back to me, take check with my cash/card inside, swipe card or cash out, bring back, goodbye forever.  Simple.  I don't want to be there any longer than you want me to be there, shit lips.  So let's do each other a fucking favor and speed this whole process up.

Eight is an odd number to end on but whatever.  This was strictly off the top of my head with no real structure.  Just an angry retort to asshole servers who think they're better than the people they serve.  So shove that up your asses, dick wads.  You guys think you're so fucking perfect but guess what?  You suck just as much, if not more, than the shit heels you serve and bitch about on the Internet.  The same people you rely on to put gas in your Honda Civic that gets you to community college you'll never finish.  I hope you enjoyed your dining experience with the Iceman today.  I'm here to make the world a better, more hate filled place for all.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Facebook is a landfill of filth and rot."...why are you still using it then? You must have a fetish for pregnant women or something at thsi point.

First of all, where the fuck are you eating out where you are getting a high school server? Do you eat at ice cream shops and Bob Evans for every meal? I eat out at a sit down restaurant probably four times or so a week and the only time I can remember having a high schooler serve me in recent memory is the pizza shop that my fiance's little sister works at. If you're eating at Applebee's all of the time, then getting poor service is on you bruh.

Also, pro waiters/bartenders at nice restaurants are very good at their jobs and take it seriously. They can not be replaced by a high schooler as you suggest.

I also can't remember the last time that I had real shitty service or a server that whined. It sounds to me like you go into your meals with a poor attitude from the start.

I agree with you that a server should know the menu inside and out. Had a server recommend risotto to me on Monday night as a side and it was awful. He apologized and took it off the bill.

G$ was the GOAT waiter back in college.

--Drew

GMoney said...

This is typical Iceman trash. I'm not one to side with athletes who say that you can't criticize them for being bad because I've never been one myself. BUT if you have never waited tables then you have no fucking clue what is going on and Drew nailed it.

If you go to shitty places then you will get shitty service. NEWS FLUSH--the ELITE places hire ELITE staff. Stop going to chain restaurants. Being called Hon at a family diner is worth the quality dining experience.

ICEMAN BLOWS. And onions are the best. I was a pretty good server back in the day no doubt. It isn't easy remembering all the ingredients of the fucking specials though.

I want to take to this to another FB debate that Iceman was in last week...do you tip at a drive-thru like Hawks or pick-up orders at say the 'bees or BJ's or those other places that do Curbside? Are you supposed to? I think I remember Burke telling me that you're supposed to but he tips more than Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas. I guess why would I leave a tip when I have no clue if the food in the bag is any good at all? Goes both ways.

Good topic but awful takes from the guy that wrote it. I will not be leaving a tip today.

Mr. Ace said...

Ya...team G$ and Drew here. I haven't read the articles that Ice is talking about tho, so I don't totally know what he is talking about. But Mrs. Ace was a server in high school in college and growing up in a small retail business I have been involved in direct customer service since I was 12. I really value good service and I will tip very well to show it. I will also leave you a penny if you're awful.

I'd say 75% of the time the service is adequate and I tip 18% ish. 20% of the time the service is exceptional and I'll tip around 25%. And 5% of the time the service is awful and I leave them dick. I don't encounter very many awful server experiences, but I'm also not eating at Denny's every meal. And servers are crucial to the dining experience...as evidenced by this post.

MUDawgfan said...

The dumbest of the dumb share whatever insanely moronic article that happens to pass by their eyeballs. Without even reading it all the way, they frantically smash the "share" button so they can be the first idiot fuck to pollute a social media site with information that isn't even close to being correct.

AMEN AMEN AMEN,
It’s always one of two types of women on my page.

1). The single mom who got knocked up WAYYYY to early in life and needs to post inspirational messages affirming how determined she is to overcome her poor decisions. The messages are either “I’m difficult and moody and irritable, but if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” or “I’m motivated and determined and choosy – don’t mess with me or my future”
Yeah well you weren’t too fucking choosy when you bent over for that half Puerto Rican guy when you were 19 were you fat tits?

2). Obnoxiously progressive shit-bag mom. These women have also shit-out 1-2 kids but they are determined to let you know how much they read on mommy blogs or Huffington post. The new hotness is posting articles about how women should have a year of paid maternity leave by their employers when they have a baby. 12 MONTHS!
“Well Iceland has it, why can’t we?”
These women bitch about unfairness in economics but fail to grasp the basic concept of time and money.

Here's my philosophy on tipping. You have to fucking earn it. I'm not going to automatically tip the suggested 20% if you've been a dead fish all night. I can't stand it when I get reminded that servers rely on tips to survive. Oh yeah?? Then they better do their fucking best at earning those tips, now shouldn't they?

Agree 100%
And I carry the same mentality if I’m getting a $10.00 plate of wings or a $50.00 NY Strip with Crabmeat and béarnaise.
I have zero problem going with a 20% tip if I am getting taken care of. That doesn’t mean asking me If I want another glass of $9.00 wine every four minutes, I’ll tell you when I want something god damnit.

I think the best thing a server can do when I’m waiting on something is stop by, refill my glass and say “I just checked with the kitchen and you have about another four minutes on your blah blah blah”
Give me a status update! Then I don’t think you’re dicking around.


Sorry for the long ass response, I guess I am in a feisty mood today. Go Hawks (ATL and Red).

Grumpy said...

I'll second Drew and G$. Iceman is just a total dick.

GMoney said...

A server is like a referee. I don't want Jerome Booger (incompetent) or Ed Hochuli (a goddamn chatty Cathy that won't shut the fuck up). Give me a Bill Vinovich who just does his job.

Prime99 said...

"I hate pompous servers. Especially the ones who act like what they do is sooooo dificult."

Was spelling "difficult" wrong intentional?

I've never been a server or bartender but it can't be easy. I really appreciate good to ELITE service but loathe poor service. There is a mutual respect going into dinner that both server and customer should have until one or the other does something to lose it.

Now I 100% agree with the sharing on Facebook. People will share an article because of the tag line, when the actual article is annoying. One article was shared by 5 girls who I am friends with on FB was called "How To Date An Independent Woman." Was it coincidence that all 5 were unattractive and with varying degrees of extra lbs.? No idea, but don't lecture the masses about how to do anything just because you are turning your oncoming spinster tag into a positive independent tag.

That is probably were the real vitrol lies today. These irrelevant articles getting shared because some dumb dumb thinks it applies to them has to stop.

MUDawgfan said...

You guys have inspired me to do some "Facebook Pruning"

I'm gonna drop five women today and try and friend JRupe

Mr. Ace said...

DAMN THOSE PROGRESSIVE WOMEN AND THERE DESIRES TO HAVE MORE TIME WITH THEIR NEWLY BORN CHILDREN AND/OR EQUAL PAY IN THE WORKPLACE! DAMN THEM STRAIGHT TO THE KITCHEN.

Daniel said...

Easy solution - get off Facebook. I haven't been on for almost two years and it's very liberating. All it is these days is people's kid pictures and people getting into pissing matches with each other trying to glorify their life / situation so they can feel validated. No thanks!

MUDawgfan said...

Nobody is arguing to send women the kitchen or restrict their rights to take a full FMLA leave (and extended PTO if they so choose).

But paying them, full salary for a full year is absolutely insane.
It's a business strategy and absolutely will lead to cuts in other areas of operations. A sustainable and thriving business cannot pay people for inactivity. It simply can't.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, others nailed it, you eat at total shitholes. Then again, when your preferred method of eating is to dip something in marinara, you are the asshole. Clearly, you like low brow fare that comes in either fried or dipping form with something wrapped in a bun as a 'main course'. I have never been to a restaurant where it has said 'side of starch'.

"That doesn’t mean asking me If I want another glass of $9.00 wine every four minutes, I’ll tell you when I want something god damnit."

You having to ask for something means the waiter isn't doing his job, that is piss poor service that you would then deem isn't worth your average tip. That's hypocritical.

100% on the facebook sharing. ECards or whatever the fuck are just as bad. I often wonder what loathsome trash that I somehow clicked "Accept Friend Request" do with their facebook time. They aren't smart or original enough to come up with these terrible pictures, but they all get shared from the same websites/accounts. Those accounts (looking at you "I fucking love science") should be banned from existence. They are the new aol chain letters.

Sadly, I can't delete facebook due to Spotify.

Ide

Anonymous said...

"DAMN THOSE PROGRESSIVE WOMEN AND THERE DESIRES TO HAVE MORE TIME WITH THEIR NEWLY BORN CHILDREN AND/OR EQUAL PAY IN THE WORKPLACE!"

Men don't get one year paid maternal leave. Also, Iceland's economy is a fucking joke, so anyone who makes that comment can go try to read a cnbc headline if the words with more than 2 syllables don't scare them off. 43% of their budget is dedicated to welfare, ffs.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Just giving you shit, MUDawg. But I do think we could take some of the practices of Iceland/Sweden/Finland and apply them here. Obvs our values and economy are different, though.

Fag off, Ide. YOU DIP HORSECOCKS IN MARINARA AND/OR RANCH AND THOSE ARE THE FUCKING BEST. And lolz to the idea that "something wrapped in a bun" can't be a main course. At fine establishments like Thurmans it's the only course. And they have great service. #FoodSnobFuck

Jeff said...

Everyone has nailed it.

8 is not an odd number.

Anonymous said...

Thurmans is great. But their service is bullshit, and their food takes forever. But, thats a place you go for the burgers and nothing else. Complaining about service there is missing the point of what they are about.

I'm not douching on people eating sandwiches/burgers as meals. I am douching on those people who go to a place for a burger expecting world class service by seasoned professionals who know the proper pronunciation of mille feuille.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

LOL. You guys act like just because the menu is $60 a head they are incapable of giving terrible service. Nice fairy tale.

The whole point of this post was to point out that servers and bartenders need to slow their role. They piss and moan about how terrible it is to serve the people that come in yet they continue to work these jobs.. Much like you guys find it annoying that I bitch about Facebook yet still go on there, I find it annoying that servers and bartenders bitch about their jobs yet never seek a different line of work. See how that works?

Dawg...don't forget the 21 year old single mom who posts, "Staying in with (insert kid name here) on a Saturday night and I'm totally okay with it. No place I'd rather be," Yeah. Sure. You're so okay with it that you decided the world needed to know. And you're so okay with staying in that you pawn off your kid to your mom the next weekend so you can go get blasted and not miss out on all the fun your single, kidless friends are having.

Anonymous said...

"I've never been a server, but it can't be that hard." This quote could NOT be more pompous. I was a server/bartender for several years & while I don't condone the ridicule of customers on facebook, most of these folks are working very hard for the miniscule amount of tip from assholes such as yourself.

Drew nailed it already. Are you eating at denny's or applebees for all of your dining experiences? Good servers & good bartenders are obviously harder to find in these types of establishments.

My years working w/ Ide still have me laughing hysterically several years later. I demand he delves into some stories about a certain famed co-worker affectionately known as SNAKE!

Burke

Anonymous said...

Judging by the comments, it looks like Drew wins today and Iceman loses. Time to adjust my national championship hat and kick my feet up...my work is complete.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Fair enough, Ide. But I have never had shit service at Thurmans even though they are constantly slammed with customers.

BURKE LIVES! You should probably sign that post "Hottest Bartender in Columbus"

T. Iceman said...

So the other issue G$ alluded to is, do you tip when you pick your food up? My initial reaction was fuck no. Why should I give you more money when I'm picking up my own shit.

Well, under further investigation, the people that bring your food whenever you get Curbside To Go...hold on...Curbside To Go, Ide, is when you order from a place like Outback Steakhouse and you don't feel like going in to eat. You order, then go pick up the food yourself and take it home to eat. Figured I would explain that since you don't waste your time at such low brow establishments.

Apparently the people that bring your food out at Curbside make waitress/waiter wage and work that shift for the entire night. So you're supposed to tip but only like 5-10%. I didn't know that before but now that I do, I will tip. But I am not fucking tipping someone who makes minimum wage when I pick my pizza up. That is just dumb.

T. Iceman said...

"I've never been a server, but it can't be that hard." This quote could NOT be more pompous

How is that pompous? In general, it can't be that hard. Most restaurants have a very simple menu that's easy to remember. There's a reason you don't need a college degree to serve almost anywhere.

Anonymous said...

You don't need a degree to run a marathon or to work in the mines, but that does NOT make it easy. The job is much more difficult than you could possibly imagine w/o actually doing it a day in your life. You are completely off base & really have a warped idea of how hard these people work to get your shitty $2 dollar tip b/c the server didn't bring you the correct change even though you had every opportunity to tell the server exactly what change you would like them to return.

Burke

Anonymous said...

It is painfully obvious that Iceman has never worked in the food service industry. No, it's not brain surgery. But, you are acting like a waiter should be perfect and suck your dick to get your 15%.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I tip on togo food, but I don't blame people that don't/do it poorly. It is certainly a grey area, and the purpose is to get food without sit down/tipworthy service. I see both arguments. I still do it, but it's certainly not a baller tip.

"Most restaurants have a very simple menu that's easy to remember."

That's simply not true. In each 'simple menu' item, there are many if not over 10 ingredients per, that you are EXPECTED to know, because some prick like you will come in and ask if the meatball parm sub will have onions or parsley. Allergies play a YUGE part in knowledge, and people must respond in kind. And now with the whole gluten thing (which NO ONE even can correctly identify), its even harder. Then there is the whole alcohol side of things. It was a very pompous statement.

Ide

Grumpy said...

When nearly everyone sides with Ide over you, you really blow.

T. Iceman said...

I knew you would all see it my way.

GMoney said...

#BANICEMANFROMRESTAURANTSFORLIFE

Good work today, everyone but you know who.

T. Iceman said...

Burke...I'm not saying that every single bartending/serving job is cake that you could do blindfolded. Obviously there are places out there that require way more experience and need way more brain power. I'm just saying that in general, at the most general job in the industry...it can't be that hard.

Anonymous said...

OSU football teams twitter game has been stellar. Tyvis Powell should be on TV.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

"Good work today, everyone but you know who"

I know...Grumpy has been a real fuck face today.

Anonymous said...

You know....initially I thought it was terrible to give Iceman a second day here this week. But, this group slaughter of him has been ELITE.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I bet he still stiffed the server last year at RibFest after I paid. Asshole.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Thanks for bringing the Money Shot Maniacs together, Ice. Pure genius IMO.

GMoney said...

Iceman is the knd of turd that actually says "the customer is always right".

I definitely feel closer to all of you today.

Anonymous said...

"IF YOU THOUGHT ICEMAN WAS TERRIBLE TODAY....GIMME A HELL YEAH!" -- Stone Cold Steve Austin

Anonymous said...

Completely off topic & doubtful anyone is still reading the comments, but a topic that Buckeye basketball fans will at least have an opinion....

Did everybody see D'angelo Russell's bounce pass last night? It was fantastic & I suggest checking it out if you missed it last night. He was incredible & finished w/ 33 pts, 7 assists, & 7 rebounds. That is an almost unheard of line for any college player let alone a freshman. I hear several Buckeye fans sounding optimistic about this kid coming back & while we would all love for that to happen, he's gonna go in the top 5 & there is less than a 5% chance he comes back. Enjoy this kid donning the Scarlet & Gray for the 15-20 more games he's calling Columbus his home. This team would be completely lost w/o him & making any serious conference or national run is a real uphill climb, but this team might be one the worst in the B10 w/o him. I'm sure many of you remember the Rick Yudt, Doug Etzler, & early Wolfman teams & this one wouldn't be much different w/o the 1 year of college rule.

I still think 11-7 or 12-6 in the B10 is possible & perhaps a sweet 16 b/c Coach Matta does a great job of getting his teams to play their best ball at the end of the year. The class that is coming in next year will really be the one that sets the Buckeyes up for the next several years (including MULTIPLE white guys)...

Burke

Anonymous said...

Zero chance he stays....but, he is indeed fun. His bounce pass @ Iowa was better.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

You might be right there Drew. Both of those passes show an incredible vision that can't be taught & I think he will be a tremendous NBA player...

Have you encountered any of these folks that are convinced he's coming back or is this just a couple of dunderheads that really believe that he will be in Columbus next year?

Burke

GMoney said...

D'Angelo Bates