|LOL SW Ohio Jeep Racism!|
What this comes down to is that the Buffalo Bills bet 4 million dollars on the health of a man in his 90s. LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Who the fuck negotiated this deal? Marrone's agent has to be the best in the business. I highly doubt that they miss Doug fucking Marrone but it does make an already dumb franchise look even more stupid. Maybe this will teach them a lesson for future negotiations. Guys coming from Syracuse have no bargaining power and playing financial chicken with the grim reaper is a bad idea. One more time, LOL Bills.
I write the intros to these on Friday most of the time and this week is no exception. The games don't have much juice behind them this week so hopefully they shock the world and give us some enjoyable football. But before we get there, ugh, let's talk about the Redskins for a second.
Bruce Allen - Our moron President/GM speaks to the media only a couple of times per year and it is always a painfully embarrassing experience for all of us dipshit fans. After correctly getting rid of Jim Haslett (worst five year stretch of defense in NFL history!) earlier on Wednesday, Bruce took the mic and proclaimed "we're winning off the field". WE ARE WINNING OFF THE FIELD. SMH. SMDH. I want to quit this team so bad. They value charity over on-field victory apparently. I hate them so much.
Ryan Lindley - Yikes. The less said about this piece of shit game the better but I found it fitting that this was played at the site of the Belk Bowl because I would rather watch 400 Belk Bowls as opposed to a replay of this turd. What a waste of three plus hours. I don't blame Lindley. Everyone knows he sucks and he shouldn't be playing. One more time, how bad must Logan Thomas be?
Ted Ginn - If the Cards had ANY chance (they did not), it was ruined by the Fuckeye. I mentioned this on Twitter but go back and look at the box score from this game. This is a real Who's Who for awful players that scored. Fozzy Whitaker might be the best player to find the endzone.
Brentan Burson - That isn't how you spell his name but I like to think that he is quite the combo of legendary Naptown personalities. You've got to respect his punt return philosophy of blocking the kicked punt like a hockey goalie for some reason.
Cam Newton - Sucked. He shouldn't get to claim that as his first playoff win. I hope that Carolina loses by 50 next week as a punishment for Saturday. You've really got to love the national writers who kill this guy every week for his lack of postgame socks or whatever. Fucking terrible. Sportswriters are garbage people.
Settling for Suisham - In the history of football, when you settle for three, you lose (except for Ohio Buckeyes on Thursday). If you come away with three, you come away with an L. Saturday night was no exception. The Steelers couldn't push it in and they ended up getting their turds pushed further in.
Big Ben - I think we all knew that the Steelers would barely try to run the ball and they didn't. The problem is that your QB better be sharp and Ben was just a tad off. It didn't help that his OL was awful for the first time in a while. I thought it was really funny watching the docs put him through the concussion tests. Dude is an idiot. How can you tell if he is concussed? So they put him back in only to throw a horrible pick right away.
People who don't find Flacco to be ELITE - That's now SEVEN road playoff wins, butthorn! ELITE ELITE ELITE!!! You see that playoff beard he's growing? Amazing. His coach called him the best QB in the NFL! His ELITEness got Jimmy BRAH on the sideline, too! I would not be surprised if the Ravens go on a run again. They have the same look about them as they did two years ago. The Patriots should be very worried.
Grumpy and Jeff - Losers IMO. Thanks for depriving America of a Steelers/Broncos rematch and unlimited memories of Timmy Tens, you heaps of shit.
Cancer - Motherfucker. We all woke up yesterday to news that Stuart Scott passed away. I'm not going to act like I knew the guy and eulogize him. We only met once when I was receiving my second internet Pulitzer but Stu will never be forgotten. Boo-yah forever, fella. The SNL spoof will always be one of my favorite sketches of all time. The Rich Eisen and Hannah Storm videos were absolutely heartbreaking by the way.
Surprisingly, not Andy Dalton - Oh sure, he lost another playoff game and didn't throw a TD pass but who was he supposed to throw to? He had no weapons at all. Sanu is average at best. The best non-RB was Rex fucking Burkhead who IS a RB. Can you believe that a lot of people picked the Bengals to win? Idiots!
Marvin Lewis - Jeremy Hill, who led the NFL in rushing over the final 7 weeks, got 13 carries. That's pathetic. He was their ONLY shot at winning and they barely acted like he was there.
TY Hilton and Boom Herron - Oh sure, if you just looked at the box score, they both had decent games but Motel 6 dropped every thing and Herron had 14 fumbles. The Colts win by 30 if those guys clean it up. And Denver is going to absolutely bury these guys next week.
Andrew Luck - Bro, you look like an idiot. Shave and get a haircut.
Pete Morelli and Crew - The last game was certainly the best but, of course, it had to get ruined by horrendous, horseshit officiating. Listen, I know that being a referee is hard. But if you make a call/throw a flag then you OBVZ saw a penalty otherwise you do nothing. There is no way around that PI. The guy impeded Pettigrew from making a catch and did not turn around. Every idiot watching from home knows that if you don't turn around then it is a flag. And when the head official ANNOUNCES THE CALL, you can't take it back. That's bullshit. I'm 99% certain that the Lions would have blown it anyway. They don't need garbage non-calls helping with that.
Chris Christie - Fuck him. If you are a big whale of a man, you should probably leave the red XXXL sweaters at home unless you like it when everyone hates you and calls you Kool-Aid Man to your face.
Jason Garrett - It's 2015 and this guy still wears a mock turtleneck. I'll have to get Ide's take on this as he is our high fashion correspondent but I'm going to guess that that is considered a terrible look on anyone.
Trench warfare - I enjoy watching good line play and there aren't many better than the Dallas OL and Detroit DL. It was a tale of two halves obvz.
Teryl Austin - The Lions DC is a hot head coaching name but he shouldn't be. When you have DeAndre Levy covering Dez Bryant one on one then you suck. Man, that game is going to piss me off for awhile and I don't even care about the Lions. The point is that they got fucked hard and the Cowboys didn't deserve shit. That game will never be remembered for anything other than that goddamn picked up flag.
FUCK THAT SHIT. I hope that Green Bay beats them by a million next weekend. This Cowboys bullshit needs to end ASAP. It's gone on for too long. This team plays Josh Brent for fuck's sake. We've got some much better games next week even though the NFL is putting Carolina in the primetime Saturday for some odd reason. I hate the Cowboys more than Your Biggest Stan loathes an Iceman bullet point, bruh.