Monday, January 05, 2015

The Worst of the Wild Card Round Vol.VIII

LOL SW Ohio Jeep Racism!
Before we get into the playoff games, I want to talk about the Buffalo Bills for a little bit.  By now we all know that they are searching for a new head coach as Doug Marrone took his asshole-looking self out of town and a hefty paycheck with him.  And you know what, I don't blame him.  Dude got the Bills to 9 wins.  He isn't going to be without a job for long.  So apparently there was a clause in his contract that allowed him a three day window to walk with full pay if there was an ownership change--no strings attached.

What this comes down to is that the Buffalo Bills bet 4 million dollars on the health of a man in his 90s.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL!  Who the fuck negotiated this deal?  Marrone's agent has to be the best in the business.  I highly doubt that they miss Doug fucking Marrone but it does make an already dumb franchise look even more stupid.  Maybe this will teach them a lesson for future negotiations.  Guys coming from Syracuse have no bargaining power and playing financial chicken with the grim reaper is a bad idea.  One more time, LOL Bills.

I write the intros to these on Friday most of the time and this week is no exception.  The games don't have much juice behind them this week so hopefully they shock the world and give us some enjoyable football.  But before we get there, ugh, let's talk about the Redskins for a second.

Bruce Allen - Our moron President/GM speaks to the media only a couple of times per year and it is always a painfully embarrassing experience for all of us dipshit fans.  After correctly getting rid of Jim Haslett (worst five year stretch of defense in NFL history!) earlier on Wednesday, Bruce took the mic and proclaimed "we're winning off the field".  WE ARE WINNING OFF THE FIELD.  SMH.  SMDH.  I want to quit this team so bad.  They value charity over on-field victory apparently.  I hate them so much.

Ryan Lindley - Yikes.  The less said about this piece of shit game the better but I found it fitting that this was played at the site of the Belk Bowl because I would rather watch 400 Belk Bowls as opposed to a replay of this turd.  What a waste of three plus hours.  I don't blame Lindley.  Everyone knows he sucks and he shouldn't be playing.  One more time, how bad must Logan Thomas be?

Ted Ginn - If the Cards had ANY chance (they did not), it was ruined by the Fuckeye.  I mentioned this on Twitter but go back and look at the box score from this game.  This is a real Who's Who for awful players that scored.  Fozzy Whitaker might be the best player to find the endzone.

Brentan Burson - That isn't how you spell his name but I like to think that he is quite the combo of legendary Naptown personalities.  You've got to respect his punt return philosophy of blocking the kicked punt like a hockey goalie for some reason.

Cam Newton - Sucked.  He shouldn't get to claim that as his first playoff win.  I hope that Carolina loses by 50 next week as a punishment for Saturday.  You've really got to love the national writers who kill this guy every week for his lack of postgame socks or whatever.  Fucking terrible.  Sportswriters are garbage people.

Settling for Suisham - In the history of football, when you settle for three, you lose (except for Ohio Buckeyes on Thursday).  If you come away with three, you come away with an L.  Saturday night was no exception.  The Steelers couldn't push it in and they ended up getting their turds pushed further in.

Big Ben - I think we all knew that the Steelers would barely try to run the ball and they didn't.  The problem is that your QB better be sharp and Ben was just a tad off.  It didn't help that his OL was awful for the first time in a while.  I thought it was really funny watching the docs put him through the concussion tests.  Dude is an idiot.  How can you tell if he is concussed?  So they put him back in only to throw a horrible pick right away.

People who don't find Flacco to be ELITE - That's now SEVEN road playoff wins, butthorn!  ELITE ELITE ELITE!!!  You see that playoff beard he's growing?  Amazing.  His coach called him the best QB in the NFL!  His ELITEness got Jimmy BRAH on the sideline, too!  I would not be surprised if the Ravens go on a run again.  They have the same look about them as they did two years ago.  The Patriots should be very worried.

Grumpy and Jeff - Losers IMO.  Thanks for depriving America of a Steelers/Broncos rematch and unlimited memories of Timmy Tens, you heaps of shit.

Cancer - Motherfucker.  We all woke up yesterday to news that Stuart Scott passed away.  I'm not going to act like I knew the guy and eulogize him.  We only met once when I was receiving my second internet Pulitzer but Stu will never be forgotten.  Boo-yah forever, fella.  The SNL spoof will always be one of my favorite sketches of all time. The Rich Eisen and Hannah Storm videos were absolutely heartbreaking by the way.

Surprisingly, not Andy Dalton - Oh sure, he lost another playoff game and didn't throw a TD pass but who was he supposed to throw to?  He had no weapons at all.  Sanu is average at best.  The best non-RB was Rex fucking Burkhead who IS a RB.  Can you believe that a lot of people picked the Bengals to win?  Idiots!

Marvin Lewis - Jeremy Hill, who led the NFL in rushing over the final 7 weeks, got 13 carries.  That's pathetic.  He was their ONLY shot at winning and they barely acted like he was there.

TY Hilton and Boom Herron - Oh sure, if you just looked at the box score, they both had decent games but Motel 6 dropped every thing and Herron had 14 fumbles.  The Colts win by 30 if those guys clean it up.  And Denver is going to absolutely bury these guys next week.

Andrew Luck - Bro, you look like an idiot. Shave and get a haircut.

Pete Morelli and Crew - The last game was certainly the best but, of course, it had to get ruined by horrendous, horseshit officiating.  Listen, I know that being a referee is hard.  But if you make a call/throw a flag then you OBVZ saw a penalty otherwise you do nothing.  There is no way around that PI.  The guy impeded Pettigrew from making a catch and did not turn around.  Every idiot watching from home knows that if you don't turn around then it is a flag.  And when the head official ANNOUNCES THE CALL, you can't take it back.  That's bullshit.  I'm 99% certain that the Lions would have blown it anyway.  They don't need garbage non-calls helping with that.

Chris Christie - Fuck him.  If you are a big whale of a man, you should probably leave the red XXXL sweaters at home unless you like it when everyone hates you and calls you Kool-Aid Man to your face.

Jason Garrett - It's 2015 and this guy still wears a mock turtleneck.  I'll have to get Ide's take on this as he is our high fashion correspondent but I'm going to guess that that is considered a terrible look on anyone.

Trench warfare - I enjoy watching good line play and there aren't many better than the Dallas OL and Detroit DL.  It was a tale of two halves obvz.

Teryl Austin - The Lions DC is a hot head coaching name but he shouldn't be.  When you have DeAndre Levy covering Dez Bryant one on one then you suck.  Man, that game is going to piss me off for awhile and I don't even care about the Lions.  The point is that they got fucked hard and the Cowboys didn't deserve shit.  That game will never be remembered for anything other than that goddamn picked up flag.

FUCK THAT SHIT.  I hope that Green Bay beats them by a million next weekend.  This Cowboys bullshit needs to end ASAP.  It's gone on for too long.  This team plays Josh Brent for fuck's sake.  We've got some much better games next week even though the NFL is putting Carolina in the primetime Saturday for some odd reason.  I hate the Cowboys more than Your Biggest Stan loathes an Iceman bullet point, bruh.


Anonymous said...

Lions got fucked, but like you said....they probz would have blown it anyways/had no chance in whatever. As bad as that flag pick up about after it happened....Dez running like 15 yards onto the field to scream in an officials face with no helmet on. That's always a penalty. Spineless officiating crew.

Probz Suh's last game as a Lion.....I will remember youuuuuuuuu...

Supposedly that Marrone clause was put in in case the team got moved to Canada when owners changed. Still so dumb fo real.....why not make the clause only allowable if a Canada move happened.


Grumpy said...

I'm glad somebody else saw Dez run on the field.. I was yelling at the TV for the flag on that. It's time to stop using All-Star crews in the playoffs.

I'm wearing a stylish black mock turtleneck as I write this.

Jeff said...

Steelers having to play the Ravens without LeVeon was worst case scenario. No threat of running, no help out of the backfield in the passing game, and no blitz pickup. Ben was not sharp when he needed to be perfect. D could not get off the field on 3rd down. Flacco was ELITE. Would've much rather played at Indy, but oh well. Team needs pass rush and secondary help baaaad, and another olineman never hurt.

That call was bad, but i think the lions blow that regardless.

GMoney said...

Iceman had some really odd and weak taeks about the Lions last night on Facebook. He basically said that if you are a fan of Suh then you aren't allowed to get mad at a referee not doing his job. It was very dumb as you can probably tell. Liking a questionable character with freak athletic ability makes getting calls correct not a thing you should support.

Yeah, it didn't lose the game but it was MOS DEF the turning point. You can't even make a case against that. Instead of the Lions at the 30 heading in to go up by 6 or maybe 10 with minutes remaining, their chode punter shanks the shit out of one and game over. Do your fucking job. Face-guarding is ALWAYS a penalty.

It's just a bad look. The head of officials is buddy buddy with Jerry and then something like this happens. I don't believe that the fix was in because you shouldn't need a fix to beat the Lions, but it WAS home cooking.

I look forward to Iceman showing up after he wakes up at noon and trying to defend that.

Jeff said...

Didn't they say that faceguarding was only a penalty in college? Just saying that for argument sake. Letter of the law, bruh. The receiver did have a nice tug on that guys face mask. Correct call is probably offsetting pentalties and a personal foul on Dez.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ! That opinion by Iceman is perfect for the social media platform used by pregnant women, young Mothers and the elderly. What a Mo Ron.


Anonymous said...

Tug on facemask and pulled defender down onto him. I think that's what got it reversed. And the dude in the suite with jerry he a great fupa.

Anonymous said...

I don't know whether Drew's constant heckling of Iceman is annoying or awesome - either way I laugh every time. Thanks Drooler.

That entire scoring drive by the Cowboys that gave them the lead felt dirty/rigged. So many bail out holding and PI calls to keep the drive alive.

I got a text from a buddy who lives in the Philly/NJ area talking shit about Christie in the suite with JJ - saying how he just guaranteed himself a loss in the next election with that celebration. Why would he be celebrating with his hometown rival's owner? That would be like Haslam sitting in the Ravens or Steelers box and celebrating them winning. What a tool.

Ben is not good in the clutch anymore. I used to think he was the best 2-minute drill QB in football. Not even close anymore. If anything, now he is a guaranteed choke down the stretch in a big game. Blame it on the concussion, loser.

That being said, Flacco is the exact opposite. Dude wins when it fucking matters. If he beats NE this weekend, there should be some serious ELITENESS talks about him.


GMoney said...

Yeah, I just saw that in Fudgie King's column about face-guarding. Either way, in today's game where everything is PI, THAT was definitely PI. Please with that facemask shit. Get the fuck out of here. You sound like your run of the mill illegal alien Cowboy fan.

Seal, I agree with you. Those PIs and holds on that TD drive were just as questionable. Let's just say that I am giving zero credit to those losers for finally not losing yesterday.

Why would we question Flacco's ELITEness when we already know that he is ELITE?

Jeff said...

Hands to the face was a point of STREMPHASIS this year, bruh.

GMoney said...

Jeff is a Steelers, Cowboys, AND Roger Goodell fan now. Wow!--Cakes

Anonymous said...

JJ and Christie humping on on the W should be a LOLz meme / vine for months to come as that fat tool tries to become president. Does anyone have any idea WHY he was in the owners box of a Cowboys Lions game?

Nothing more to really say about the Lions game. Letting crazy men run onto the field with their helments (heads) off should be automatic flag. I feel we got home jobbed...but shanking the PUNT after a terrible call is the most LIONS move ever. Keep them out of the end-zone and run a 2 minute drill and you still win. Whatevs we had no chance @SEA.

Good Bye SUH. You will be missed but your laundry list of penalties will not be.

- J Saul

Jeff said...

LOLZ that pointing out facts makes me a fan or means I agree w them. But whatevz. You still getting drunk with your slippers on, Cinderella boy?

Anonymous said...

After further review, it appears Chrstie started out by wearing a FORD scarf over that Santa Claus sweater. Covered his Detroit bases there.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Christie has sat with the Jones's for the last three games because apparently he has nothing better to do.

Jeff already in dead last for 2015 CotY and no one else comes close.

T. Iceman said...

Once again...G$ with irresponsible reporting. What else is new?

What I actually said was that it made sense for a fan base that defends the on field actions of Suh to blame the officials for losing that game. While the officiating was questionable at times, it is not the reason the Lions lost.

GMoney said...

The Lions lost because that's what the Lions do (blaming the refs is normally what losers do but you can't say that that was not a massive momentum swing there). Telling their fans that they can't be pissed off about that seems a little above your pay grade.

I'm obviously not a Lions fan and I am still furious that those goddamn losers got home-cooking yesterday. There isn't another fan base out there that lives in the past more than those ethnics and they don't deserve that shit.

Anonymous said...

Isn't just about everything above Iceman's pay grade?


Anonymous said...

Pay grade or gay parade? Probably both. He sucks. Fire him.


T. Iceman said...

That's really all I was saying, G$. Only losers and faggots blame the officials for losing. The refs aren't to blame for the LOLZ 10 yard punt after getting dicked by a call. The refs also didn't give up 17 second half points. Realize that every team gets fucked over a few times during any game and accept that you just weren't good enough that day instead of being a little bitch about it.

GMoney said...

Little bit of a difference between a missed hold on the LT and ignoring obvious large yardage penalties...unless that ref has some sort of talent of ignoring angry black men screaming in his face.

Grumpy said...

Jerry's party bus pays off.

T. Iceman said...

Again...true. But that PI call wasn't the reason for the loss. Teams can shake that shit off and still close it out. The Lions had plenty of chances to win that game after that call and didn't. Stop using the refs as a scape goat because your team can't close.

Anonymous said...

I think the point is/was, that the lions are 0-17 (now) on the road vs. winning teams. And in this specific scenario - that blown call and ignorance of a helmet-less psychopath screaming in your face was most likely (in the high 90% range) the reason the Lions lost that game - playing the cowboys and refs late in the game and all.

Not that they shouldn't be better and close it out, since they still had chances. But that was HUGE (high 90%'s of why they probably lost in this instance). Getting a FG was the high probability scenario of the result of that play draining more clock in the process.

They are not a great team on the road against teams with winning records, and that is also why they couldn't rebound and win. Again, very LIONS, but they got fucked.

Also - there is a reason they had to cut the post game show short and there are 1,000 headlines on it today - fuck job.

- J Saul